#the paradox of causing pain to heal just WORKS

[letitbehurt]

Cauterizing wounds. A fervent “bite this,” before a bit is shoved between Whumpee’s teeth; shallow breaths and white knuckles; tear tracks and sweat-soaked hair; red-hot metal and burning flesh, Whumpee’s body tensing as they scream.

[grandpasessions]

What Badiou misses here is the fact that the "death drive" is, paradoxically, the Freudian name for its very opposite, for the way immortality appears within psychoanalysis: for an uncanny excess of life, for an "undead" urge which persists beyond the (biological) cycle of life and death, of generation and corruption. As such, the death drive stands for the very antipode of the obscure tendency to self-annihilation or self destruction — as is rendered clearly in the work of Wagner whom Badiou admires so much.

It is precisely the reference to Wagner which enables us to see how the Freudian death drive has nothing whatsoever to do with the craving for self-extermination, for a return to the inorganic absence of any life-tension. The death drive does not reside in Wagner's heroes' longing to die, to find peace in death: it is, on the contrary, the very obverse of dying —a name for the "undead" eternal life itself, for the horrible fate of being caught in the endless repetitive cycle of wandering around in guilt and pain.

The final passing-away of the Wagnerian hero (the death of the Dutchman, Wotan, Tristan, Amfortas) is therefore the moment of their liberation from the clutches of the death drive. Tristan in Act III is not desperate because of his fear of dying: what makes him desperate is that, without Isolde, he cannot die and is condemned to eternal longing — he anxiously awaits her arrival so as to be able to die. The prospect he dreads is not that of dying without Isolde (the standard complaint of a lover), but rather that of endless life without her.

The ultimate lesson of psychoanalysis is that human life is never "just life": humans are not simply alive, they are possessed by the strange drive to enjoy life to excess, passionately attached to a surplus which sticks out and derails the ordinary run of things. This excess inscribes itself into the human body in the guise of a wound which makes the subject "undead," depriving him of the capacity to die (apart from Tristan's and Amfortas's wound, there is, of course, the wound, the one from Kafka's "A Country Doctor"): when this wound is healed, the hero can die in peace.

This notion of the drive embodied in an organ also allows us to propose a correction to Badiou's notion of the body of a truth procedure; there are no bodies of truth, truth has its organs (without bodies), in other words, a truth inscribes itself into a body through its autonomized organ (s). The child's wound in the lower chest in Kafka's "Country Doctor" is such an organ, part of the body yet sticking out of it, leading an immortal (undead) life of its own, secreting blood all the time yet, for that very reason, preventing the child from finding peace in death.

In Defense of Lost Causes S. Zizek

[multidimensionalguidance]

🌟🩺 Chiron Observations #2 🩻🌟

Here’s a continuation to my previous post of Chiron in strong (conjunction, square, opposition) or soft (sextile and trines) aspects to planetary bodies.

🧠 Mercury 🧠: there is a pain that stems from your communication skills. During early life you might have been silenced and misunderstood. You were not allowed to express freely or felt like you were inadequate at it. There could literally be a difficulty or impediment in speech or thought process. A mental wound that only you understand. Since words were probably used as daggers to hurt you, there might be a tendency of you doing the same when triggered. Any time someone makes you feel inadequate, words will seek to cause the pain you’ve previously experienced. This might hurt you and your relationships a lot until you become aware of this tendency. There could also be wounds formed by siblings or painful interactions with them throughout your lives. This can make interactions with people younger or the same age as you feel like a tedious task. There could be a fear of not being mentally agile enough or as if you aren’t clever enough, which paradoxically could make you focus on it so much that you develop a very sharp mind. If you know several languages, there might be embarrassment associated with how you sound in one of them, and probably because it doesn’t allow you to express yourself as well as you know you could. You might feel like a brother or sister to those around you. You are not behind anyone on a mental level. Your mind is here to heal itself and allow others to do the same just by hearing you speak. Your power is in your voice, and once you’re comfortable with discussing topics related to mental health those that need healing or help will be very thankful for your insights. They will see you as someone who can guide them on a mental level to get rid of any blocks that might not be allowing them to be their best version.

💌 Venus 💌: relationships of all kinds, but specifically romantic ones create many wounds. You might have grown up feeling uncomfortable in your own feminine energy (regardless of gender), values, creativity, and mannerisms. As if nothing seems to be fit for you, and nothing felt right. Dealing with love and feminine relationships was very difficult for you growing up. You never felt fully loved by others nor felt girly or womanly enough when next to your feminine friends. You might have decided to reject these themes all together. Maybe even avoiding all Venusian things, as simple as not wearing the color pink or disliking anything that seemed hyper feminine. You are here to understand that feminine and masculine energy exists within all of us, and it is our gift to express them as freely as we want without feeling stuck or shackled by one or the other. Work on your Venus traits (including those associated to your sign) by trying out bright colors, enjoying self care nights, playing with your style, and indulging into everything that makes you feel empowered in your own feminine energy. As for relationships, this might be a bit more difficult to navigate until you are 25+ and your Venus matures. Love does not have to be a source of pain. Chasing or seeking for someone to love you will only bring more pain, for you are telling yourself that you do not inherently deserve love just by existing, and can only receive it once you seek it outwardly. The more you focus on empowering your Venus, the more relationships will heal. Romance is important, but the love you feel for yourself is far more relevant, and it will dictate the love you’re willing to accept from others. Once you integrate these lessons, being loved by you will heal others. Your love will feel unforgettable to others. They will seek to be close to you just to experience how strong your feminine energy has become, and sit down to wonder how they can learn from you. It will be like going from “I have no idea what makeup is..” to “Everyone keeps on asking me to do their makeup and style them all the time”. That’s Venus and Chirons gift to you on a very superficial level.

🧨 Mars 💥: the painful lessons come from understanding the weight and importance of your action and physical drive. You might be harsh when it comes to these aspects with others, and most likely because its a harshness you’ve experienced from others. Masculine energy in general is difficult to embody due to possible traumatic wounds that have been associated with it. Interacting with individuals who had a lot of it wounded you at some point in your life, either physically, mentally or spiritually. Perhaps in all ways previously mentioned. Learning to heal this energy within you will be a source of strong healing and power. Once you empower yourself in the ways that you use your drive, motivation, and more harsh aspects to achieve your goals, it will motivate and help others heal this within themselves. Life will keep on testing the way you channel this energy to aid you on your evolution, and awake the forces that will let you harbor your spiritual gifts. There might be a likelihood in getting burned and experiencing physical wounds. If you’re someone who embodies a lot of feminine energy, be extra careful when dealing with toxic masculinity. This is something to be mindful in all situations outside of astrology, but I’ve noticed a probability of it being a tad more dangerous for these natives. There is powerful physical healing that comes natural and can be developed, such as Reiki or anything that works towards aiding physical wounds, etc. Might even be really good Doctors if they ever choose to do so, or might be naturally attract or be attracted to being healers.

[chryso-poeia]

You can’t judge yourself into feeling better. What you’re trying to eliminate in yourself, is an integral part of your growth. If you’ve ever seen anyone else having the same insecurities or issues that you do: how do you respond to that? So, vulnerability is not weakness, flaws are not weaknesses, they’re a sign of life. Flowing water is healthy, stagnant water is toxic.

In the same way that emotional regulation isn’t about controlling, labeling, categorizing or compartmentalizing emotions or feeling or to try to judge your emotional state in some attempt to ”fix” it. To me, emotional regulation is about the impetus of self-love. Because love is a derivative of acceptance which is allowing, which is inclusive, which is open. Expand that out enough and now you have the most fundamental aspect of real spirituality: that everything is the same thing. It’s only through defining and labeling that you separate them, your acceptance causes them to embrace one another again. And then, the true complementary relationship of ALL things unveils itself.

Now, an emotion or a feeling is guide that wants you to look in their direction so they can show you what your conscious mind can’t see due to its ’speed of operations’. Speed something up and it becomes blurry, slow something down and it becomes clear. Judgement happens quickly and it conforms to our cognitive need for organizing and categorizing our reality. Whereas love is a slow process that requires conscious effort. And whatever is created slowly, holds the most power. Negativity is subconscious stacking which builds momentum, positivity is conscious stacking which also builds momentum.

Slow something down and it will express itself, life will start to express itself. A flower or a tree doesn’t understand the concepts of efficiency or speed or productivity. They don’t need to understand, they exist, they live, they are already life, they appear and disappear eventually. This is the sensual, chemical, intense and delicious orchestration of bliss through the manifestation of the life force, only ever increasing in profoundity, the slower it moves, the more presence it is able to hold. Glorious because it is finite, the duality is the essence of life. The absence of presence. Presence being every second of every moment of each single one of your heartbeats and the spaces inbetween. Presence being every second of every moment of every inhale and exhale, that simply appear without conscious effort, and the spaces inbetween. Presence being the next present moment and the next.

You are ’man made’ but you are still nature, on the same unquestionable level. You are not separate from it. The intellect is a survival instrument, a surgical tool. But where survival isn’t concerned, the intellect does not need to be either. Perhaps to beautify? Perhaps to articulate? To communicate? Yes. But to experience? No. Strip yourself down and realize that you were always just as naked as your cousins, the trees or the grass or the rocks.

That which disturbs this, are the man made constructs, endless projections of internal lack. Which is the same reason why a major part of healing is inner child work. A significant part of that journey can be to see that it wasn’t that the child was inadequate, it was that the world and the adults around the child weren’t capable of meeting the child’s needs, i.e they were inadequate. Often due to the perpetuation of wounding through generations. If you then see that flaws are inherent to the human condition as a vehicle of growth, there can be room for forgiveness. Which doesn’t mean condoning behaviour, it simply means ’to let go of your own pain’. Which paradoxically can free the other as well. As we are all connected and what is reflected in me, is also in you.

So if i am to be condemned or painted as a villain just because i have needs that i am going to fulfill, i can see that your way of dealing with me is based on how your personality is set up to cope with life and people in general. But of course, for the same reasons, i may be percieving that you are seeing me that way, because that’s how i cope with the world. And that’s okay because people always do the best they can with what they know, otherwise they’d act and think differently. This goes both ways, by the way. But in any case, ”let them” or if you’re personally affected: communicate boundaries and take the appropriate action.

Which leads into the next point: what is unresolved becomes a blind spot, i.e threat. So pathologized shame can create an entire personality of coping that we try to fight, as we try to feel better. But we often don’t see that we are only fighting within what we think is our opponent. What is unresolved will loop itself subconsciously until it is released, making safety very difficult and coloring the entire worldview. But unless there is a gun to your head or a ’crocodile’ in the room with you, you can repeat it to yourself: I am safe despite what my mind says. For other directly non life threatening fears: are you afraid or just excited?

Safety is also tied to the functioning of your nervous system, if your subconscious loops ideas of you being threatened due to unresolved trauma. You’re likely stuck in hypervigilance. Now there’s obviously a lot of different ways to regulate your nervous system, i’ve had varying degree of success with different systems and practices. But you basically want to be able to signal to your system first hand, that there’s nothing threatening about feeling safe and being authentic, in conjunction to being connected to the body and your feelings.

But repeated exposure is obviously needed and likely: more extensive therapy or guiding/coaching, in order for your system to get used to it. Not to mention deeper work that may be required. However, we might also get addicted to digging or analyzing for problems. Which has its place, but again, constant thinking regardless of situation, isn’t really necessary. Be in that gap sometimes, allow the openness and the love.

Lastly, the painful experiences are lessons. The story or narrative is a lesson given too much power. Human beings are not these fixed, unchanging, rigid beings strictly adaptive within the context of their percieved oppression. We are open, sensitive and flowing in every moment. The messiness of human experience can’t be confined to rigid frameworks. This may be an intimidating concept but it can also be freeing. You are only as messy as a beautiful garden or a sprawling green field or the ocean.

- Chryso-poeia.

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 3/5

What am I feeling today?

Still sick, also lazy. I was very unproductive yesterday and it kinda killed my mood. I need to make a structured plan for today to adhere to so I can get back on track when it comes to work. But excited too! I got accepted to something amazing and I’ll be getting more details and everything today, just feeling really encouraged by that!

Luke 7 NIV

(v. 6-10) “So Jesus went with them. He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: “Lord, don’t trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.” When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, “I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel.” Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.”

My main focus was near the end in which it says Jesus was amazed at him. I just find it really interesting that Jesus can be amazed by us and in the case of this man by his faith.

(v. 13-15)

“When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, “Don’t cry.” Then he went up and touched the bier they were carrying him on, and the bearers stood still. He said, “Young man, I say to you, get up!” The dead man sat up and began to talk, and Jesus gave him back to his mother.”

I like this too because it says that his heart went out to her and I’d like to think the same happens with us. Whenever we experience a painful hardship such as the death of a loved one, his heart goes out to us and brings us comfort.

(v. 23) “Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.””

I like this, because the way we avoid stumbling is by abiding heavily to the word and his teaching. I feel that the parallel for this is found in Luke 17:1-2 “Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.”

(v. 26-28) “But what did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, and more than a prophet. This is the one about whom it is written: “ ‘I will send my messenger ahead of you, who will prepare your way before you.’ I tell you, among those born of women there is no one greater than John; yet the one who is least in the kingdom of God is greater than he.””

I’m curious about the ending, where he says that there’s no greater than John but even the least in the kingdom of God is greater than him. I went to some commentary because I was confused by this and this is what they said:

This seemingly paradoxical statement is resolved by the considerations: (1) that John the Baptist was not in the kingdom of Christ, the same not being set up until after John’s death, and (2) that the term "greater" has reference to privilege, rather than to character.

(v. 40-43)

“Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.”

I like this parable, I feel it’s rather simple and reasonable to understand and I’ll get into the point of it in the next verse:

(v. 47-50)

“Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?” Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.””

Although all sin is sin and separates us from God, it’s notable here that there are some that sin more than others (there are times we can compare ourselves in saying “well at least I’m not that bad”, but it’s critical to keep in mind that we are all still sinners!). But also notable here is that Jesus says whoever had been forgiven little loves little. And although it’s no small feat to be forgiven of all your sins, I do understand the point here and wonder if it affects my relationship with him.

[meldingintheunderdark]

I've been reading your metas. While I do agree with some of your points there is one thing I can't help but strongly disagree on. I think Halsin enjoyers are aware of Halsin's faults, his trauma, his struggles. We don't all think he's "a healthy partner devoid of problems" but I believe in my opinion, that Halsin has the potential to heal, to do better, and maybe this commune can help him and help others, not fully per se but help heal in some way. It's not going to be smooth sailing, there will be bumps along the way, Halsin does need support, there's no denying that. I don't think Halsin enjoyers are naïve to that, we just want to see him happy as well. But reading these metas feels like... there is no hope for Halsin, the children in his care are doomed and I don't think that's the case. It won't be easy but not hopeless, it won't be perfect, there is still room to grow and learn (though I am following a more tav mindset than a dark urge mindset)

Thank you for reading my metas!

It's embarrassing but English isn't my first language, therefore I might not be as clear as I thought.

This said, I've mentioned many times my headcanons are my own. I don't believe Halsin's dream will explode in a great ball of fire but it'll most certainly not be as happy and lighthearted as it is in game. There will be consequences and not all of them will be positive.

Reading your comment, I fail to comprehend the issue.

Isn't it obvious there is no correct way to interpret Halsin's actions? Isn't it evident our perception and understanding are heavily influenced by our own life experiences, our knowledge, our fields of study, work, mental health, etc? Everything I write is inherently subjective.

From my point of view, when you read my metas, it's crystal clear I have a colossal obsession with fatherhood, unhealthy coping mechanisms or even avoidance regarding mental health, and the pain they cause to oneself and loved ones. I relate so intensely to Halsin, thus I'm extremely critical of his choices. You prefer to focus on him partly healing thanks to nine wagons of children. To each their own. I relate to him because his hurt hurts others unintentionally and I want to talk about this.

I also have every right to voice my thoughts, to be upset for dumb reasons and to share my questionable opinions. I haven't done any proper case study of the Halsin-centric fandom. Nevertheless, it's hypocritical to pretend the fandom isn't overwhelmingly focused on a positive analysis of Halsin and his ending, hence your reaction. It's just how fandoms work. Some opinions are overly represented, therefore an echo chamber is created and maintained. It's also very human to yearn for a comforting character who does good, tries his best and succeeds. I find comfort in a character who is hurting, hurts others and, paradoxically, is so very selfless, good-hearted and caring. I'm not saying Halsin is abusive or so foolish he'll doom the world. I've not claimed Halsin won't learn to live with his trauma, won't be happy or won't help people. The commune seems filled with traumatized adults and kids, Halsin is no therapist. Good intentions don't magically lead to solely good outcomes. Some may be fantastic. A few neutral. Others damaging. It's life.

Every content created is not made for you specifically either. If my posts are unpleasant, and I'm aware they can be, please spare yourself and block me.

Last but not least, I am a Halsin enjoyer. He's my favorite character. My tumblr is about Halsin and my Durge. They'll have their well deserved happily ever after. I simply imagine more heartache and pain than you do.

[anfie-in-the-box]

X-tra Dark Cream & Dark Cream Week

Notes

It's Dark Cream Week! Very inspiring prompts this time, so expect a lot of different things from me! No real spoilers in this one, but feel free to skip it (as well as all the others) if you want to read Turns, twists, and paradoxes chronologically.

You can find the main story here or via tag #x-tra dark cream fic! Thank you!

。。。

Egoism

Dream sobs in Cross' arms; it feels like he's broken beyond repair, just like his world is. "I hate it," he whispers, hoarsely. "I hate it so much. I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to hurt you. But all I can do is cause harm. Even before, but especially now. And I hate it! I didn't even know I was capable of hating anything, I didn't think I could. It's against everything I used to believe in, against everything I used to be. What do I do, Cross? How can I live with myself like this?"

Cross pulls him closer, to the point of Dream's ribs hurting a bit. He welcomes this pain, as slight as it is; it means he is not heartless yet, not dead to the curse corrupting his soul. Dream hugs tighter in return, holding on to Cross like a lifeline.

"I know," his guard and his love murmurs softly. "I know it's hard for you. You're genuinely good; you heal, not hurt. And if you ever hurt, you make amends. But we have to. Your brother said we have to. As long as you're the one in control, we have a chance. Please, stay with me. With us. I know the price is too high, I know you hate every second of it. But we need you. I need you. If we lose… You know it's worth it. I know you know."

"I get it. I do. But it's terrible, the things we have to do. I was supposed to protect, not harm!" Dream wails, desperately, his soul clenching in his chest.

"So was your brother," Dream flinches at the reminder of what's become of Nightmare, what the curse made him do, and how helpless and lost he feels now that he's free. Cross continues, "You're both protectors. Guardians. It's not your fault, whatever the curse makes you do. It's not his, either."

"Nightmare was just a kid," Dream whispers. Cross nods decisively. But Dream keeps talking, barely audibly, "He was hurting so much, and I couldn't help."

"You were a kid, too," Cross reminds him. "It's not your fault you both were used like that. You didn't know."

At a loss for words, Dream nods. He's not sure how much he believes it, but at least he hears Cross loud and clear. It's a step.

"You need to survive," Cross whispers gently. "You need to stay in control. If wrecking worlds is what it takes, I'm ready to do it."

There's a warm feeling in Dream's heavy chest now. It blooms like a flower, explodes like a firework. He's so lucky to be loved.

"Yeah," he agrees. He knows Cross would do anything for him. But… "But I'm not."

"I know. I'm sorry. Is it bad to say I hope you'll get used to it?" Dream shudders in Cross' arms, and he soothingly rubs his spine through the clothes and goop. "I suppose it is. But… I really do. I get that thousands of lives for just one is not fair, but the world was never fair to you either, you know?" he hums thoughtfully. "And besides, you're special. The Multiverse needs you. You and your brother. And, well, I need you. I can't lose you too."

Dream sighs, feeling underneath the weight of the world. His heart's always been too big. He feels like he dies a little with every shattered hope and dream; and maybe he does — the old Dream's barely there anymore. He can't afford to be the old Dream, but he doesn't know how to make himself something new. He doesn't understand cruelty and violence, but that's what he needs now. Cross does most of the work, but it makes it even harder, in a way. Cross has been a soldier and a murderer way before he joined Dream, but it doesn't mean he has to keep doing this. Yet he does, for Dream.

It hurts so much. His beloved Cross fighting his battles for him, yet another world drowning in misery, all of it. Dream hates it. He hates it so very much. But every time something in him breaks, he feels stronger, and it kills him to be better and worse at the same time. It kills him. The kind, supportive, understanding, simply good Dream he can't be anymore. He doesn't want to be anything else, but he has to. For Cross. For Nightmare. For himself.

"I feel so selfish," Dream confesses, quietly.

"It's okay to be selfish, though," Cross responds, caressing Dream's spine. "Since forever, you lived for others. It's about time you learn how to live for yourself."

"But it's more than living for oneself, isn't it? I ruin others' lives."

"To survive! You don't have a choice. There is no good option, only bad ones. It's okay to choose the lesser evil. It doesn't make you evil."

"Our victims would disagree," Dream chuckles wetly. "I would disagree, to be honest."

Cross quiets for a while. Then, he asks, "Do you think your brother is evil?"

"What?! Of course not! It wasn't even him half the time!"

"But he ended and ruined so many lives. He made his own people miserable. He used and hurt and twisted everything within his reach, which was vast. He wanted to kill you." As Cross keeps on pressing, Dream feels somewhat lighter, finally admitting his beloved is right. It doesn't make it better, it doesn't solve the problem, but he's not alone. He has Cross and Nightmare, and even Killer and Ccino. Together, they'll find a way to break the curse. Sooner or later, one way or another.

And for now, egoism doesn't sound too bad. Maybe the first step to becoming the new Dream is being selfish.

Dream doesn’t quite stop crying, but he feels better. It doesn't seem like the world is ending anymore. The weight of it still presses on Dream's shoulders, but it feels almost bearable, with Cross here to catch him if he ever falls. Dream will not crash, will not shatter. He's not beyond repair, and he's not alone.

They sit, and Cross offers Dream a piece of chocolate. Dream accepts the sweet little thing, smiling through the tears. It's not that he needs to eat, but Cross loves chocolate so it makes Dream feel closer to him. It's… It feels safe and calming, eating Cross' favourite treat.

They hug once more, although they're not clinging to each other like before. It's not desperate anymore.

They're okay. It will get better. Dream will learn to accept and love and live with his new self, whatever he will be. And Cross will be there every step of the way. Nightmare, too.

Dream hates it all with his whole being but he can do it. Despite everything, he'll pull through. He can't stay true to himself, but everything changes, and he'll change as well. It's only natural.

But he's not evil. He won't ever be. Egoism is not evil. What is evil is the curse, and they will deal with it.

There's still light in the darkness. There always is.

"Thank you," Dream whispers, "for being there for me. I love you."

Cross smiles widely, like he can't help himself, and hugs Dream just a little bit tighter. It's nice, the pressure and the warmth of him.

So very nice.

Dream will make sure it won't ever end.

。。。

Credits

Undertale © Toby Fox

Dream!Sans © jokublog

Cross!Sans © jakei95 / xtaleunderverse

Shattered Dream © galacii-gallery / shattereddreamsau

Dark Cream and Dark Cream Week © zu-is-here

X-tra Dark Cream © me (anfie / anfie-in-the-box)

。。。

Notes

How'd you like it? I personally love love love Dream's suffering in this one. He's so uncertain and insecure, and Cross is there for him to never let him fall. So much Hurt/Comfort!

[alyjojo]

Advice to Work on Yourself 🪁 in June 2023: Taurus

Page of Swords - The Fool rev - The Chariot rev

Regarding: The High Priestess

Your advice is to keep quiet about a very tricky situation in your life. For you to pull The High Priestess as your energy shows someone that “knows”, your level of empathy and spiritual understanding of a situation runs deep. Someone else could be involved regarding abandonment, debt, severe anxiety, mental anguish, something along those lines. Especially if this is your child, which I see with Page of Cups, but that won’t be for everyone. For others it’s probably a friend. There’s an outside experience here with someone else that is mirroring one you’ve experienced yourself, and your empathy is at 1000, even if you’re not happy with the outcome or lack of decision making within this.

You may understand this person on a deeper level than even they realize, and it could be someone that’s hurt you, abandoned you, caused mental pain and sleepless nights. Your empathy may need boundaries on some level, that’s true for all empaths or spiritual people, which could also describe your energy with The High Priestess. Unevolved people don’t usually intend to hurt, but they also don’t feel at your depth, and will probably end up hurting you or seeing your emotions as a weakness to use against you. Whatever this outside person has done, is shocking, and you’re still supporting them through this. You’re not thrilled, but it’s not the worst case scenario either. Reckless actions are possible, but they’re being blocked from you. The High Priestess has Spirit with them. Some of you may be using prayer or some sort of spiritual practice & tools to assist you. You’re meant to be involved in this situation, because it’s healing a part of yourself others may not know, or understand. They’re not supposed to. You’re healing a very deep, private pain that you’ve carried for who knows how long. I see the point of this being to help your people, children, friends, whoever they are, to heal yourself while seeing this same situation from another viewpoint, and to forgive & release any of that leftover hurt in you that hasn’t been dealt with. Whatever feelings come up, allow them to exist and quietly move through them without pushing them down or away. Experience, heal, release. Tune into your own synchronicities and signs from Spirit. You can broadcast them if you want, but not everyone is on the same level of life as you…expect nothing. Or you may find you’ve jumped the gun, and are actually quite wrong. Spiritual relationships, lessons, and gifts are yours. Others can’t see what you see.

Animal Oracle: Rattlesnake 🐍

“The experiences that you’re presently going through are an initiation into fulfilling your purpose as a healer.”

The foundation for compassion is an awareness that suffering is a natural part of life, whether through the empathetic appreciation of another being’s pain or the experiences of having suffered oneself. And which beings haven’t at times felt the pain and sorrow that is an aspect of living? The deeper you go into the soul of another, the more you can feel what they feel, yet paradoxically maintain a certain distance or objectivity. A true Healer must heal from the heart, no matter what technological, logistical, physical, or shamanic tools they use. The experiences that you’re going through now or have just completed are all a preparation for you to open your heart to the suffering around you and do your part in alleviating it. You’ll find that you’re increasingly being asked to offer your time and energy to help heal others - including not only people, but also animals, plant beings, and the Earth. Some of this healing power will also go to mend the rifts that exist between ethnicities & cultures.

You’ll notice more and more how often your hands will spontaneously feel energized, experiencing it as heat or a tingling sensation. This is the Power of Spirit working through you. Allow it to guide you in whatever the focus of your healing is, whether simply placing a hand on the shoulder of a friend, or more extensively and directly involving yourself in another being’s health.

Artist Oracle: FRANCISCO GOYA

- In case of emergency, locate your nearest exile.

- A good caricature is no exaggeration.

- Truth takes shape in the shadows.

Advice:

- Share a Flavor Adventure 🥘

- Encourage Your Loved Ones

Charms:

Sword 🗡 on Rattlesnake shows your experience being your “teacher” and your weapon as well. This could be a lesson in setting boundaries for some, thus the reason to keep quiet about working through your own issues alongside someone else. Also this sword requires to cut off someone else’s experience from your own, separate the two, because they are not the same, just similar. Keep your wits about you and focus on what is true - not what’s perceived.

Fractal Moon 🌙 on The High Priestess shows many different layers to this situation, many things to take into account, many feelings from many different experiences. This won’t be the same for everyone, not even close, but however it relates to you still needs healing. Encourage Your Loved Ones is very positive, but I’m getting this whole first row possibly being detrimental to your own mental health because there are so many layers to this. If this is about healing a relationship with a person that drives you crazy, this is saying no action, not till you’re confident about it. And you’re not 💯

Aquarius ♒️ on The Star seems to show a need for emotional detachment from a situation, with the purpose of healing. Something could be “hitting home” with you, literally home, the family, your kids. Someone’s independence or detachment causes mental stress and pain, worry, fear of abandonment. And actions are being blocked, both foolish and sensible, any actions at all have been blocked. That may not have been recognized with The Sun rev, allowing matters to stay hidden, whether that’s your story or this current situation. I’m not sure. Whether that’s good or bad…there are many layers to that. Some level of your experience is NOT what’s going on with your person, it may just trigger other things in you, similar responses. Aquarius is similar to the sword on Rattlesnake, a need to keep your wits about you. Use your head, not your emotions, not your memories, fears, projections, or even experience because things aren’t the same, etc. On some level you have to just trust the process.

[monterraverde]

King and Crown (Current status verse breakdown)

P2: The Paldea Arc

March 2023

Red answered her summons promptly, and they set to work. The Slither Wing put up an intense fight, but it eventually ended in a successful critical capture, after it bit Red... And contracted PokeRus.

It was the first time Rika had become aware of the inhumane treatment and danger the Paradox pokemon were in. If nothing was done to help those creatures, they'd die slow, and painful deaths. But what could she do? It wasnt like she could send them back- They'd tried! It's a one way trip, and sending them back would be the same as sending back a Biohazard bomb...

Releasing the gargantuan moth outside her home, Her and Red worked around the clock to try and keep it alive, pulling an all nighter and not getting to sleep until the next day- but they did it. With the help of Pikachu, and Oberons newfound healing ability, the Slither Wing survived.

Red stayed at her home for the rest of their tenure after that, progressively learning more and more sign language from him. After speaking about the Master ball, Red was quick to summon Giovanni- completely unbeknownst to her. Details about it was discussed over sandwiches, and again her world is rocked.

Silph engineered these to strip Pokemon of free will, and they're highly dangerous weapons in the wrong hands. Holding her still empty one in her hand, she conceded that no person in Paldea should be able to carry such a thing again, and realized just what she had been aiding and abetting for the last ten years...

Everything was just... awful...

But it wasn't too late to stop it. She was aware now, and that was half the battle.

Training Red and Giovanni in the Terastal Phenomenon, a plan was hatched to descend into Area Zero and finally get to the bottom of what was happening... After discovering that Red had an adverse effect to the Terastal phenomenon, where the energy made crystals rapidly grow on his body any time an orb was used. While it was cause for alarm, it seemed to be ultimately harmless, and the plan continued on...

And then a wrench was thrown into it when Proton and Archer of Team Rocket showed up at the Florges ball. Red caught a bullet, took Proton out with a few well placed strikes, and the ball continued on like normal... It was the day after that possibly became an issue, as Proton appeared in her house just to torment her, hanging around and acting a fool while he rode out a glitch episode

And then he shoved a Swinub into her hands and then vanished as quickly as he came... Anyway-

Preparations were made for Red and Giovanni to wear special suits made from scrapped together Kantonian/Unovan spec ops uniforms in order to descend into Area Zero. Keeping themselves safe from the radiation outside, and the pokemon safe from them- Biohazards as they were. Rika didn't need such protections outside of a simple face mask, having lived in Paldea her whole life, she was one with its eco system. Preparations made, they finally descended into the depths below...

And what they found was a hellscape.

Tera Crystal growth had spiraled so far out of control in the last 8 years that the very ground at their feet had been split and cracked, crystals jutted out of the earth and encased trees, lab equipment, and anything unfortunate enough to wander into the vicinity....

Red syncs with a Slither Wing, and they begin their descent, riding on its back in order to avert the difficult terrain.

The first research station is reached without incident, and unlocked, and they stumble across a Bisharp completely encased in crystal... and while its body cannot move, the light in its eyes confirmed that it was, in fact, alive... Though there was no telling if extraction would bring it harm, or worse, and the Bisharp is not alone- Many pokemon around the second and third research stations had met with similar fates, but none as recent as that Bisharp... Some were already long since dead. Corpses preserved in crystal and suspended in time.

Research station 3 is when the horrors became even more apparent. The closer they got to Zero lab, the more outrageous the crystal growth. Spires encased the path down in a canopy of blue and golden hues, and as they progressed into the cave, they were suddenly stopped by a roar that shook the entire space...

A roar with what sounded like chittering mixed in, an ancient battle cry... The Apex Koraidon sat upon an outcropping, and it sensed their presence... But it too was not immune from the crystals corruption, though it was far more resilient then most, crystals growing from its body and nearly replacing its Scarlet scales, and still wearing that same scar she had placed on it all those years ago.

Red barely waits, he's leaping from the Slither Wing to charge at the thing and run distraction while Giovanni and Rika ride the Slither wing through the tunnel. Persian leaps from a tossed ball and casts protect, and Red feels the full brunt of a Collision Course... And somehow manages to grab Persian and outrun the Koraidon to rejoin them after stunning the dragon. They're safe, for now.

Research station 4 is where everything seemed to come to a head and start making sense. The path ahead was grown over with crystals unfortunately, so they had no choice but to enter it fully... As much as Rika didn't want too. Inside, it was clear that no one had been down here since they escaped the Koraidons rampage eight years ago... Soot still lingered on the ceiling where Flamethrower was used, her blood and Geetas blood staining the ground in equal measure- Dried and flaking as they walked across it, and then off to the side... a Skeleton, draped in blood stained scraps of leopard print cloth and a lab coat.

Sada's body... Calcified in crystal.

While Rika battles with her traumas, and unlocks the gate, Red scoops up the body, making an ossuary bag out of his backpack in order to bring the body back topside, finally... What a horrible rest, it was no wonder the labs felt haunted.

Giovanni rigs the teleporters, forcing the one in Zero lab open through the use of the 4th research stations computers and PIP's intervention, and upon stepping on the teleport pad they're immediately whisked down into its depths... Within the lower floors of Zero lab, though not quite as far down as the Time machine, something stirred... The PPP and the time machine had long since been shut down when Juliana and her friends defeated Sada's AI, but the facility was still receiving power, and something yet stirred within it. Searching deeper on the floor, they came upon a broken Master ball trapped in an energy field, and beside it, a Porygon... One that had been running Recycle for ten years and had no one to tell it to stop... This was the source of the Terastal corruption, and the mass production of Master balls without the need for raw materials.

Not unlike a cancer cell with no kill switch, the energy it used and released became far too much- recycled, mutated, growth, non-stop for ten years.

It had to be stopped.

Giovanni rigs the teleporters again, remaining behind as Navigator as he worked with PIP and POP to shut it down from the outside... While Red and Rika took the teleporter down to the time machine and... somehow found themselves inside of it. A single raised platform hovering over what looked like an endless abyss... and at the end of the walkway stood a glitched and broken version of Sada.

The shade of the PPP, the ghost in the machine, the will to keep the dream alive... And she wasn't alone, surrounded by ghosts of purest crystal, all of which threw themselves at Red and Rika for daring to interfere.

The battle raged within the time machine for several minutes, Giovanni providing information from what he could see, and directing Red and Rikas attacks where they would be most effective. Red was launched from the platform at some point, and instead of immediately trying to return, he drags one of the ghosts down with him, and smashes the Tera orb she'd given him on his arm, coating himself in Draconic energy that crystallized around his fists and forearms, taking the shape of a dragons claws and empowering his strikes with Dragon-type.

Rika, meanwhile, made spectacular use of her pokemons abilities and the Sonic Deterrant Device- a remote like device that the Paldean elite used to repel powerful pokemon with a series of loud whistles, lights and other piercing sounds- but found herself targeted by Sada... And something happened that caused her own body to start crystallizing, covering her fingers and hands, and then steadily trailing up her forearms the longer they stayed.

The battle finally came to a head when POP finally broke into the system, the area around them turning red with warning signs as the Porygon began to overload the system with malware, and after a few decisive hits, Rika delivered the killing blow, ripping open the shades core and retrieving the Tera crystal that powered it.... and the Digital space quickly started to collapse around them, Rika making a break for the teleporter after recalling her Garchomp, and Red mounting his Slither Wing, scooping Rika up on the way as they all made a break for it.

The Teleporter dumped them out in the Lab just outside of Los Platos, in the lighthouse, and the crystallization did not fade right away... It also came out that Giovanni had taken it on himself while they were battling to reach into the cage that contained the master ball, and nearly destroy his arm in the process of retrieving the thing, so he could be rid of it for good... but at the cost of suffering the same ailment as Rika currently was.

The battle was won, the computer systems shut down and pumped so full of malware that if anything tried to boot it up again would all but detonate it.

Paldea was saved from the oncoming threat of total uncontrolled crystal corruption, and the Master balls ceased production.

...Now they rest, and heal, time for a much needed vacation...

[swordsandarms]

@rightwheretheyleftme

I cannot consider this kind of reply as anything but tiresome and disheartening. There's this new wave of 'feminism' actually regressing from everything we've learnt over decades if not centuries.

This right there, the most prevalent and spread out discussion in regards to female history (especially within the frame of patriarchy and the female conditioning from one generation to another?) The generational trauma and the most complicated and paradoxical relationship in a woman's life being that with her mother, for most, particularly because of this? And hers with her mother before her? The so realistic and existent feminist experience that most women experience and spans countless and countless of written works about women by women? Which happens because of these conservative and religious upbringings grandmothers subjected mothers to, and then mothers to daughters, the wounds tangled with pity for why they end up causing them?

But now feminism is "defending women", whatever that means in this uncritical fashion from "slander" of what the effect of patriarchy they suffer not only as individuals but as a community are. The realities of someone's grandmother who you know went through Hell and then went on and became these shitty mother in law to these younger women. But we should invalidate both these very existing women's perspective because it is some "harmful fictional trope" that "harms women's image" or something. Of the mother who very much has double standards for her daughter and favours her son. Etc.

It's only within the last few generations that it is not a matter of an activism perspective and instead spread out consciousness which is why we get to heal and move forward to create a better world, but this new wave of "feminism" forgets, takes everything for granted, which comes with the danger of regressive notions:

- what actually causes generational trauma and it's real effects invalidated, the very roots of what leads to identify and resist patriarchal tactics

- harm or "abuse" can only be caused by villains in full consciousness and intention of the fact so anyone who causes you harm can only be bad people who don't care about you, and if they are good people and care about you then you aren't harmed

- trauma and abuse make women especially "stronger and kinder"

Etc etc something something "girl dinner" and "actuaaaaally women are physically and mentally inferior to men and competitions are meant to be segregated" and something something "women have superior resistance to pain and advanced calmness unlike men who just can't control themselves" etc etc

It is probably one of the most tragic realisations/realities in life (and ASOIAF to stay on topic) when it comes to women's struggles that women who went through misogynistic struggles and gendered violence more often than not actually turn into an enforcer of patriarchy and abuser in turn instead of of a conscious revolutionary.

I was thinking of women like Rhaella and Naerys, and how their whole standing in life is taking pride in how virtuous and dutiful they are in the absence of any other satisfaction and joy and.... How they would make awful mothers to daughters actually.

I know people desire headcanons in which these kind of women would want the fulfilment they didn't get for their daughters... But statistically that's less likely. Religious Naerys thinking more of her Daenerys being free than obeying (the sexist) Faith? Rhaella, presumably assigning HER Daenerys sacrificial duties by her very name from the moment she was born?

Even Catelyn, in her disservice (lighter offence at least in a background so violent against little girls), Catelyn who is outspoken and bold and leads men and speaks over her husband and brother and played with mud until 12 and kissed boys in secret to find out what it was like even tho it's damn improper... has FAILED BOTH HER DAUGHTERS. Sansa starts as a near simpleton in how deeply she was educated in the idea that if she serves patriarchy and gender roles without questioning well enough she will be rewarded with the grandest of treasures. Arya has had her self worth demolished in her childhood because still playing in the mud 3 years earlier than her mother did is not mature enough and speaking boldly in the face of men like her mother constantly does is improper.

[museincarnate]

The rambunctious infant's touchy tendencies would slowly cease, as she was rocked attentively by the Little Rabbit; soft babbles once again escaping the little Saiyaness, as she eventually seemed content just resting in the lap of her current caretaker, despite her unintentional distractions for Tater.

As for when the younger redhead vocalized an unspoken, shared concern about Tater's inclusion in their overall training, the sight of Tater's reaction to even a carefully put version of the inquiry would cause Yujin to sigh softly; a sliver of guilt creeping its way into his psyche. He came awfully close to offering a quiet apology to the Lagomorph, since he'd peeked to see her wince in response, but the prodigal son found himself remaining silent, as his predecessor was about to speak again.

Once Tater became the primary focus of the conversation all three of them were having, however, Yujin would open his eyes, and glance towards the Little Rabbit, hoping that her woes were something that could be remedied, rather than something too internal, to resolve in a timely manner. As honest as she was, however, both he and the Hero of Hope found themselves needing a few moments to let the woman's words sink in; the father and son's brows respectively furrowing, as contemplative hums emanated from them.

"Even if a situation like that should ever arise, it's not like you'll be alone, in trying to reach one of us, if we need help." Shuen would begin his honest attempt at reassuring the Lagomorph, as he spoke in a relaxed, almost soothing tone; no uncertainty present in his voice, as he chose his words. "And as far as needing time to heal bigger injuries, we'll give you as much time as we can buy for you. Either that, or we'll make due with just enough to get us back on our feet, no matter how much it hurts." It was a morbid, painful thought, certainly, but even Yujin nodded in agreement with his dad.

"You're not useless, Tater." The prodigal son would even chime in, either as atonement for asking Shuen his question about Tater's involvement, or out of the genuine kindness of his heart; both the Hero of Hope's and Yujin's hand coming to rest on one of Tater's shoulders, each. The Paradox Saiyan would hum softly, in response to his progeny's added reassurance, as Tater seemed like she might've needed to hear from more than just one of them.

"You're honestly a big source of morale, and your heart has helped, maybe, sway the hearts of others. It's probably kept us from having to resort to ending someone's life, in a few cases while we traveled across Sol-Lago. You might not notice it, but for the likes of me and Torno? Terminating an enemy's life used to be the solution for restoring peace, or for settling something... Respectively speaking, of course." Yujin, oddly enough, found himself having a hard time vocalizing any sort of agreement, as his father's honesty, and the revelation that came with it, choked him up just slightly.

"If you really wanted a simple answer, though, I could've just said something like... You're an extra set of eyes and ears, but that's not all that you are, to us!" Shuen found himself chortling softly in amusement, as the thumb on the Little Rabbit's shoulder would softly massage the area, as if to add further reassurance. He'd give Tater time to reflect on his words, and even respond, but thereafter, the prodigal son would be given the floor; his gaze meeting with the Hero of Hope's own, as if he had something to say.

"Dad, I don't think we've really talked about your Timestamp. I know how it works, for you at least, but if it can work for me too, I..." He'd groan softly, as he couldn't quite seem to find the proper words to articulate his concerns. Meanwhile, Aitez had nuzzled herself against the Lagomorph woman, and began dozing off, as her caretaker's rocking had made the little baby feel tired. "I don't have that moment, like you do. How can I find that sudden spark of joy, like you, when I have nothing in the given moment, now, that I can use as a jumping point?"

Frankly, the Paradox Saiyan hadn't exactly considered the aforementioned notion, as he began slightly rubbing at his own temples; pondering his son's question carefully, as he considered any possibilities that could give Yujin some sort of clarity, or a lesson that could be learned from the matter at hand. And then... a soft grin found its way onto Shuen's visage, as he seemed to find the answer he was looking for.

"You're looking at things from a perspective of a man trying to emulate his father's own steps, Yujin. You're my son, and I've taught you most of the things you know, from defending yourself to conducting yourself as a good and honest person, but..." Shuen's hand on Tater's shoulder would transition to the top of the younger Saiyan's head, as he ruffled his son's hair almost playfully. "You're your own man, and you can't spend your life walking the very same steps that I have." For someone so jovial, and oftentimes simplistic in his words and mannerisms, it was the rare moments like this, where Tater and the others would know just how wise and attentive the Hero of Hope truly was.

"What're you trying to say, dad?" In spite of Shuen's wise, nearly prophetic words, Yujin still had some trouble understanding the core points that his elder was trying to make; chocking it up to a lack of time spent with his father, after the aforementioned loss of Ronin.

"Your Timestamp doesn't have to be brought on by joy. Intense emotions of any kind could give you a similar spike in power, if you can find something to cause those feelings to surface. What do you think, Tater? Should we give that a try?"

When Shuen saw that Tater's own expression was somewhat laced with worry, for both him and his son, the Hero of Hope would only allow his own smile to grow larger, as if to reassure the Little Rabbit that everything would be fine, prior to her joining them in this more tranquil, self-focused form of training. When she did, however, and little Aitez was kept in the Lagomorph's lap, the Hero of Hope would take a deep breath in, and exhale just as slowly; clearing his own conscience, by the time that his progeny and Tater had both closed their eyes.

During the Lagomorph woman's own inward thinking, she'd feel little Aitez's hands softly slapping at her arms, or gently pressing a palm under the Rabbit's chin; babbling about nothing, as a baby normally would. "I know that neither of you have really been involved with something like what's going on, recently, but... If there's someone with malicious intentions out there, like that other Saiyan, there's a chance that there will be more, and any chance at lasting peace might be smaller than we'd hope for." Despite this, Shuen's tone remained positive, as he had already mastered that ability of clearing his conscience, while simultaneously focusing on other endeavors.

Exhaling audibly, Yujin would manage to keep himself in a meditative state, while offering his own input to the conversation at hand, as if he'd never forgotten how to do so; emulating his father's almost natural ability to focus and react so effortlessly. "That's part of what worries me, dad. This could be the start of something worse, like Tazz said back on that rooftop, a few days ago. What if training, alone, isn't enough for all of us to handle what's coming?"

Further coos from Aitez would prevent any lasting silence from lingering between the two Saiyans and Tater, as both of the redheads pondered the topic further. "You're thinking too far ahead, when we haven't even jumped over the first hurdle of things that we need to deal with. The present moment is what matters the most, son. Neither you, nor Tater, will be the same person as you are now, when the time comes." Shuen would place a hand on his offspring's shoulder, while simultaneously doing the same for the Little Rabbit; offering a form of reassurance, as he always seemed to.

"If Torno and I didn't think any of you were capable of taking care of things, whether we're here or not, then none of us would be training in the first place." A sigh of relief would, whether the prodigal son admitted it or not, escape the younger male, as his predecessor's words did bring some form of comfort to him. Although, a question did seem to linger in his thoughts, even if Tater's eyes were closed; an air of tension still lingering around him, so much so that it was almost palpable.

"Why are we putting Tater through this training, though? She's not going to be fighting anyone, so what's this really doing for her?" He clearly hadn't meant it in any sort of insulting manner, as his inflection was careful, as to not come off as though he didn't want her there, with them. For what it was worth, he cared about the Lagomorph, just as much as the rest of the group did, even if he had trouble conveying that to her.

"Even if she's not a fighter, she's still a valuable part of the team. She's a healer, remember? How will she be able to help any of us, if she's overwhelmed by everything going on around her, when things get bad? She needs to be just as prepared as you do, and able to focus and stay calm." A soft sound of acknowledgement would come from Yujin, in response to his father's explanation, as the elder seemed to shift his attention, once more, to the Little Rabbit.

"By the way, Tater... What worries you? I didn't mean to leave you out of the discussion."

[peel-a-potato-with-a-potato]

So I binge read Invincible

What a trip of a story. Gotta say, I’m really hoping Amazon doesn’t screw it up, but what I’ve seen of the show so far seems to be a good update. The comic came out in 2003 after all, so there’s some parts that don’t hold up well 18 years later.

The ending wasn’t to my taste, but it was mostly satisfying. Spoilers if you keep reading beyond here.

The comic makes gratuitous use of time skipping, usually because of Mark being very vincible (yes, bad joke, don’t care), at several points. The worst ones for me were the 3 or 4 months he spent with his father and brother healing from a stomach wound and the 5 year skip after the “reboot”.

And oh boy do I have thoughts on that reboot. Some mysterious entity we are never given any further information on traps him in a cave and sends him back to being 17 with no powers on Earth. He proceeds to do everything in the most efficient way he can before giving up to be with his family. And then he’s back, but 5 years after he left. Was he really in the past or was that entity just messing with his mind? And did it really take him 5 years to process those few weeks? Or did he get brought back to the wrong time? Was that thing vengeful and wanted to rob him of what he wanted for disobeying it? And after that little section is over, we never hear about that thing again.

And then there’s the deaths of Oliver and Nolan. Both were mostly well done, Oliver died in battle (sure he would have wanted it that way), and Nolan died with his favorite son present. Or least favorite, it’s hard to tell at some points. And both were well used catalysts into propelling the story. Oliver’s death convinced Mark he had to act against Thragg. Nolan’s death put Mark in control of the new Viltrum Empire, and in direct opposition to Robot. I refuse to call him Rex. Rex Splode deserved better than that.

Through the whole series, I didn’t trust Robot. From the beginning, I had a bad feeling about him, and when he was revealed to be a human, Rudy, that pretty much cemented it for me. A genius who relies entirely on logic, even when they have an emotional attachment to someone? Yeah, if that doesn’t scream trouble, I don’t know what does. Putting his brain in a jar and leaving Immortal in charge seemed like the best option.

But that also brings up the question of why he left Immortal in charge at all. Having been brought to the future by two people working for Immortal just so he could get his death, don’t you think Mark would have remembered that? Would have known the pain he would cause his friend? Or was there really no better option? It does provide continuity, answers why Immortal was in charge, and I guess prevents a paradox, which is all probably why it was done. Mark doing that knowing what would happen though, it’s probably the most Viltrumite thing he does in the series, cold and devoid of human emotion. Mark does have a habit of disagreeing with his allies at times, and sometimes that leads to what feels like betrayal.

Even Allen got the short end of that stick, with the Viltrum Empire spreading peace at the end, Allen’s coalition fell apart. And Mark makes some good commentary there that definitely applies to Earth today. But wouldn’t you think he’d want to help Allen change the COP to make it better for those planets being exploited? That seemed to be his thing, but instead he just left them to figure it out.

Going back to immortality for a bit, let’s talk about Eve. She gets severely wounded and suddenly she becomes a god just long enough to patch herself back up. This is used a couple times, first on Eve alone, and then on herself and Mark. The first time she gives herself bigger breasts (yup, it’s a guy writing the series) and the second time Mark asks “Did you make me stronger?” while he flexes. Given that Eve was carrying their child at the time, it makes sense why he wouldn’t leave her power to kick in to replace her lost leg, but it ends up making death feel a bit cheap, the way Marvel and DC do by killing off their heroes and bringing them back. It’s really made worse when Eve dies of old age and is suddenly in her 20′s again. “Guess I’m immortal” my ass. If she’s just going to keep doing that, eventually she will outlive Mark’s thousands of years and she’ll be just as lonely as Immortal. Feels like they didn’t think the ramifications of that one through. I do enjoy the fact that Eve is always, and I do mean always, the one initiating their intimate moments though. A woman taking charge of her sexuality is nice to see.

And then there’s Marky. Poor Marky. Left alone on Earth with an adoptive human father while Mark ignored him because of his rage at Marky’s mother. Debbie steps in to help, and it’s clear Mark still has some contact with his son, but he’s definitely not going to have the support his father did growing up, even if he is the new Invincible. Why on earth would this poor half abandoned child take the name of the father that clearly doesn’t want to take much interest in him? I get it’s a carrying on the family legacy kind of thing, but it gives me weird vibes.

For all my griping though, I have to mention Cecil. Almost a perfect foil to Mark’s black and white thinking. Cecil only sees in shades of grey. No matter where someone’s actions put them in Mark’s eyes, Cecil always sees them as a force to be used to his own ends. Cecil’s need to protect people and his search for peace align so perfectly with Mark’s but because of his way of looking at the world and lack of superpowers, he contrasts so perfectly with the hero of the story. I disagree with Rudy that Cecil would have been okay dying to get the world brought about by Rudy, but I’m not really sure how to put those thoughts into words just yet.

But the ending in general, while neatly wrapping up most of the plot threads (looking at you tentacle entity from the reboot storyline), feels a bit too much like a happily ever after. Now that’s personal taste, but honestly, if they’d just ended it with Mark taking over and saying he was going to leave Earth with the Viltrumites on his mission to help the universe, I’d have been a lot happier leaving the rest up to the imagination. Instead, we get flashes of this race of near gods forcefully bringing peace to the universe and we end with another vaguely satisfying callback.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved the series and I’m honestly tempted to read it again to get a better idea of the callbacks and setups we see. The perspective on some things might be different now too, and that’s always interesting. I’m very much of the opinion that if you love something, you should be critical of it. And there’s a lot in Invincible that seems like doing something just to make the story work. I can’t tell if that’s just because of the medium or if it actually makes sense given that Mark is an alien, so maybe I would need to read it again to figure that out.

[astrognossienne]

birthdays: 4 - the unabashed social climber

My dabbling in birthday numerology has resulted in a ridiculously viral and classic post on my tumblr that goes through all the birthdays. The total sum of all birthdays essentially adds up to a range of numbers 1-9. In that post, I provided snapshots of the personalities of these birthdays. Now, here, on my website, I shall expound further as to why I came to these conclusions. To continue this series, we'll get into my other least favourite birthday number: 4.

4, 13, 22, 31: humanitarians, romantic, penetrating, provocative, faithful, pragmatic, reserved, immature, nakedly ambitious, tries too hard to be omnipotent, controversy always seems to surround them, savage for no reason, prides themselves on being infallible but are utterly fallible, know-it-alls, critical, anxious, smart-mouthed yet very sensitive (almost too much so), proud, tries hard to be individualistic but in reality is just like everyone else, very shady, can be and is often very disrespectful, patronizing and egotistical, needs their ass kissed, due to their vast insecurity and inherent inadequacy they have a need to conquer others and if they can’t do so then they will try very hard to destroy them, wayyy too sensitive and resorts to being caustic and abusive when they’re hurt (which is all the time), tries too hard to act/look/talk hard, can be tough but sweet, can be quite judgmental, always working, likes to one-up people, needs control and is often very self-controlled, often fake, passive-aggressive, very opportunistic and savvy, great at making friends, very contradictory and hypocritical, often very talented and hardworking, competitive, inspires others, wants to be known as kind and great in everyone’s eyes, almost always supremely unlikable individuals, often downright repulsive, has low self-esteem and projects it on others, often has hidden motives, adroit in using people’s emotions for their own ends

I think I pretty much summed them up there. Those who have these birthdays (especially those born on the 4th and 22nd) are the ones who I'm the most indifferent towards and amused by, but in the interest of fairness, let's dive into the psyche of these people, because if nothing else, they're moderately interesting psychological case studies.

When I think of 4's, I think of the character Eve Harrington in the classic film All About Eve. They're hurt, bitter, broken, miserable insecure bitches and often have low self-esteem and inadequacies within themselves, but they cover it up with false "self-love" and "assertiveness" which is actually condescension, aggressiveness, cockiness, and arrogance. This is evidenced in their unabashed social climbing they do. All social climbing have one thing in common: they seek to increase the social climber status by attacking and taking status away from others. They revel in this, since in their mind it secures their power over others, which is very important to them. They're often sad cases with attitude problems. They can’t, or don’t know how to reconcile their pain in a healthy way, so they direct it back out in mean, cruel, and insensitive ways - hurting others just because they were hurt. This process works only briefly, and usually generates extreme guilt in the person, making them stop for awhile. But, the pain of their past hasn’t been healed, so once again they try to bleed off the pain by hurting someone by being mean or rude. It’s like draining the pressure in a boiler. They know they’re inferior and broken, so they take it out full force on the people they envy and those whose true authentic power that they want. They often say what they don't mean. They're also forces of nature, and they somehow always seem to draw deep emotions out of people, and a lot for people seem to be deeply drawn to them. Fours, in turn, are often drawn by those who know how to control their emotions and make them work for them as well as those who have a deeper well of emotion than they and aren't scared of displaying it.

They have the amusing paradox of being mean AND hypersensitive at the same time, but the key is if one feels that these people are actually worth the time you have to take to get to know them, ignore their natural walls, abnormal need for control, rudeness and meanness, and love them anyway. If one can get through to that hurting part and heal and love it, these individuals can be loyal and even amazing friends for life. (incidentally, it's for this reason that I always seem to see these individuals deeply connected to 2's, 5's and 9's because I think 4's sense in them a kindred spirit, or someone they can use this strange type of "love" on and still feel accepted. But I'll cover those numbers at a later date). It might seem crazy, but a common way these people try and pull their partner/friends close is by expressing anger (of which there is a lot of) and unneeded childish aggression, often ruthlessly attacking perceived weaknesses.  It usually works in the opposite way (unfortunately), but often underneath the anger is a strong plea for connection and love. The anger is a mask of protest about not getting that love. They like to create conflict and are very restless. They’re whiny and their edginess is based on their M.O. that "people want to hurt me; I must hurt them first to be safe". They’re often very petty and very small and are too selfish to show any real compassion for those going through a tough time or a tragedy, often pouring salt on the wound (although strangely enough, they're often touted as paragons of compassion and virtue).

They're not satisfied with the ordinary, and more often than not they do tend to lead extraordinary lives. They have an accessibility and a mystery at the same time. They can be calm and insanely disciplined. But they are also very fiery and passionate, and often make rash and headstrong decisions and can be very immature and insecure about themselves because of the need for balance that the number 4 suggests. They can also (only when seriously evolved) be inspirational, using their talents to move masses of people in a way very few can, such as Barack Obama (August 4), and obnoxious personalities like Beyoncé (September 4), her husband Jay-Z (December 4), and their friend Justin Timberlake (January 31 [another classic case of the low-level 4]). They are victims masquerading as warriors and use their victimhood as a weapon and other opportunistic tactics to cement their power. However, there is a lot of fixed-sign-esque (especially that of a Leonine/Scorpionic nature) ego associated with the number 4, and this requires everyone to bow down and kiss their ass. If the 4 doesn't get this type of treatment, then they'll destroy everything and everyone in their wake to assuage their hurt feelings and damaged ego, such as it is in the case of Meghan Markle (also born on August 4) and what she and her husband Harry are currently doing to the Royal Family.

Meghan tried to gain unconditional and total acceptance from them/England/the world. Since she didn't get it, she and Harry took their ball and went home" by backing out of the Royal Family and the duties associated with it and moving with their children to America, effectively cutting themselves off from Harry's grandmother, brother, and ailing grandfather. Which brings me to another point about 4's: they like to do things on their own terms, often alienating others along the way to satisfy themselves. Now that Meghan has had time to think about the "abuse" that she feels that she has received, she's going to get her ultimate revenge by trying to destroy the Royal Family with allegations of racism and mental/emotional abuse. Note: it wasn't a problem when they were courting, and it wasn't a problem when they got married, but since she didn't get the "kid glove" treatment she wanted, now they're a "racist family". I often wonder, if the firm/tabloids/press went after Princess Diana so brutally, as blonde-haired, blue-eyed and pretty as she was, what did Markle honestly expect? This speaks to the 4s often shocking naivety. Also, Markle kept referring to Kate Middleton in her interview, so that means that she's fixated on Kate as a point of envy. This is how hate and negative emotions will cause things to change and often unnecessarily so.

On the positive side (only when evolved), 4's can be active, hard-working, systematic, diligent, careful, objective, firm, introverted, serious, patient, reserved, thoughtful, sensible, analytic, calm, orderly and loyal. For those born on the 4th, 13th, 22nd, and 31st, this describes them in a nutshell.

[alyjojo]

Advice to Work on Yourself 🤷🏽‍♀️ in October 2023: Capricorn

Ace of Swords rev - 8 Cups - 2 Swords

Regarding: 10 Pentacles rev

This is a career reading, you dream of leaving the job you’ve been at, because things feel unstable and the people around you aren’t very cooperative. Especially a boss. They’re probably friendly to your face but also snide, competitive, like snakes in the grass…rattlesnake could be a side nod to that feeling, validating you. You dream of disappearing without a word, finding something else, more suited for you, and not even telling these people to fk off, just letting them perish in this dumpster fire 🔥 they’ve probably created by being incompetent.

You don’t want to fight, compete, have to stand up for yourself, it’s like this situation is just bs and you shouldn’t have to deal with it. I’m getting this whole ordeal is karmic, where it’s going to lead you (or push you to go) or what you’ll learn from it is exactly what’s supposed to happen. In the thick of it though, it’s very frustrating, and you’re being validated about that. The advice is your desire needs to meet practical action, in order to avoid a Tower, or a complete destruction of a current foundation. Meaning if you have house/car payments, kids, rent, whatever, protect those, and plan your moves, don’t just impulsively decide “I’m done” and bail like you probably fantasize about. I don’t think I even need to tell a Cap that fr, it’s not like you. You do seem to be supported in leaving something behind, transforming yourself and your career in new ways, shedding old skins and moving away from things that are unstable in your life. Could be a home, a job, a relationship, a parent figure. Career is the main story, but apply it however.

But do the responsible thing. That’s what you do. And listen to your intuition, because Pink Cat on The Fool shows you not doing that, and that’s what can cause additional karmic consequences. Do things for the right reason - they’re unstable. Move towards *better*, not just new, to get out of there. Step by logical step. You don’t want to go from one bind to another one, getting serious about taking charge of your life & career are Justice, it’s the right thing and you’re right on how you feel about it, or probably the people around you. It’s also possible this is showing you needing to speak with HR, if that’s available to you, or The Emperor can be another boss on a higher level that needs to hear about what’s going on, to take this literally. If one is a fool, move up the chain, until someone hears you.

Animal Oracle: Rattlesnake 🐍

“The experiences that you’re presently going through are an initiation into fulfilling your purpose as a healer.”

The foundation for compassion is an awareness that suffering is a natural part of life, whether through the empathetic appreciation of another being’s pain or the experiences of having suffered oneself. And which beings haven’t at times felt the pain and sorrow that is an aspect of living? The deeper you go into the soul of another, the more you can feel what they feel, yet paradoxically maintain a certain distance or objectivity. A true Healer must heal from the heart, no matter what technological, logistical, physical, or shamanic tools they use. The experiences that you’re going through now or have just completed are all a preparation for you to open your heart to the suffering around you and do your part in alleviating it. You’ll find that you’re increasingly being asked to offer your time and energy to help heal others - including not only people, but also animals, plant beings, and the Earth. Some of this healing power will also go to mend the rifts that exist between ethnicities & cultures.

You’ll notice more and more how often your hands will spontaneously feel energized, experiencing it as heat or a tingling sensation. This is the Power of Spirit working through you. Allow it to guide you in whatever the focus of your healing is, whether simply placing a hand on the shoulder of a friend, or more extensively and directly involving yourself in another being’s health.

Artist Oracle: GEORGIA O’KEEFFE

- Nature can keep a secret.

- Keep Freud guessing.

- You can’t run away from yourself, but running away from others can be quite productive.

Advice:

- Broaden Your Cultural Horizons

- Protect Your Loved Ones and Your Assets

Charms:

Dress 👗 on Wheel of Fortune can be hobbies, other people, this can show a player mentality with Knight of Wands following, or with the Cultural Horizons card, a hobby or some sort of niche/artistic interest could hold the key to the path you decide to go down next. Could be foreign, travel, something very different than what you’re used to. Ballet, fashion, costumes, acting, theater, dancing in general could be involved, doesn’t have to be. New passions lead new places. Separately, there could be issues with a dress code, or hobbies, maybe too casual an air relating to work. If related to Halloween, people may dress up/down in ways that are just…cringe, to you. I get you’re surrounded by clowns at work 🤡 Or you feel that way at least.

Pink Cat rev 🐈 on The Fool show you not listening to your inner voice when you make spontaneous exciting decisions, and it needs to be more of a heart & mind combined decision, than a rushing into things without a clue sort of energy. Strange energy for you. That could be a lesson learned. If something inside is saying NO, or whatever it’s saying, listen to that. It’s your Spirit trying to guide you. Take leaps of faith, but do it consciously, well aware of what you’re doing and what you need, listening to what your soul is saying it needs that you’re not getting. Follow that, not just some new thing, because it’s new.

Butterfly 🦋 on 8 Cups shows transformation in your life, shedding of the skin, old lovers, old habits, old ways of being, maybe patterns of communication with the following cards. Communication may be an issue for you. You could also leave without saying a word, or have. It’s something on your mind, but you aren’t clear enough about where that leads. If a party or something makes you uncomfortable, you could just bail, and others could be pissed at you for not explaining or defending yourself. Discomfort is clear, if you’re in the midst of a major transformation and still stuck in an old pattern somehow, or that’s what you’re being led, to shed. Poetry 🥳

Helm 🛳️ on Broaden Your Cultural Horizons is the same as Wheel of Fortune, but one that you direct more than Spirit. They just help. This is the most advice of all of the advice, expanding your horizons, doing things you consider different. Ethnically, culturally, possibly literally moving locations, or something just *different* to you. Moving in this direction is the right path, and what comes next comes in after you start moving, or get where you’re going, there’s an “after that” too.

[harmony88]

Time Lord Thing

One of my very first stories ever, felt like posting on here too! You can also find more works on AO3 

The Doctor and Rose never separated, but seventeen years later their daughter changes the timeline and Rose falls into the parallel world. Now, the Doctor and his daughter must work to get Rose back.

:::::

Time is a fragile thing.

It’s a construct, her father would say. Time is relative, and time is pliable. It’s not linear, and the smallest action can recoil the already-set rings of time like a pebble being pulled out of the water.

She thought about this now as she opened her eyes, fear gripping her stomach. She wasn’t supposed to be here. The room she stood in was bleak, uninviting and cold. Her heart was beating rapidly against her chest and she couldn’t formulate words in her mind.

She had tried to help.

Her throat constricted as she suppressed the sob that threatened to escape her lips. Across the room from her, his hands pressed against a bare white wall, was her father. Well, he didn’t know he was her father. He didn’t know she was here at all.

She had tried to help.

She was hiding behind fallen debris, watching a younger version of her favorite person stand there coldly, his face like stone, as he listened desperately for any sign of a blonde woman she had seen falling to the Void at the time of her arrival.

She had tried to help. But the woman saw her appear and it startled her, and her grip loosened on the lever. She fell. A man appeared and grabbed her, his eyes meeting her father’s just for a moment as he watched them both disappear. She watched too.

The sob escaped, and she immediately threw her hand to her mouth in fear he would hear her. She wasn’t supposed to be here.

That woman was one she knew well; very well in fact. It was the woman she lived inside of for nine months; whose chest provided her her very first meal; whose warm embrace took away all pain and in whose eyes she found her strength.

It was her mother.

And the man that saved her was a man she did not know. But she assumed, based on the few features she saw, that it was Pete Tyler. Her grandfather, who she knew was trapped in a parallel universe her entire life.

She had tried to help. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This hadn’t happened before.

Time is a fragile thing.

She was sobbing uncontrollably now, her hands still covering her mouth as she desperately tried to stay quiet. But he heard her, and as his own hearts broke he ran toward the sound. It sounded like Rose crying, and he felt a flutter in his chest as he looked around, spotting a blonde head ducked behind metal barrels.

“Rose?” he asked. His voice was meek and timid. Desperate. She had never heard him so broken.

She always knew her parents were soul-mates. His voice now confirmed it.

She froze, her eyes red and cheeks stained with tears, as her heart thumped in her chest. Her brain swirled with all the lectures this man had given her about timelines and paradoxes and disturbances of both, but as she looked up and saw his chocolate swirls, relief flooded her more than she anticipated. He calmed her, like he always did.

He froze now, his mouth hanging open as he took in the figure that knelt on the ground before him. She was the spitting image of Rose, but there was something about her that felt…different. Familiar. Personal, even.

He couldn’t put his finger on it, but he knelt down next to her carefully as he took her in.

She knew she couldn’t tell him who she was. That would disturb the timeline of when her mother told him she was pregnant. She knew the story like the back of her hand. The story that was supposed to happen; where her mother nearly fell into the void but held on just long enough. Where they celebrated and her mother told him the news that changed his lonely life forever and started their journey in the stars as a family.

“You’re not Rose,” he finally said, whispering. She shook her head and bit her lip, and she saw him stiffen. She looked exactly like Rose. Especially then, “How old are you?”

“Sixteen,” she said, her voice sounded steadier than she felt, “I’m… um… Evelyn.”

Crap. She shouldn’t have told him her real name.

She winced just a little but recovered quickly - the Time Lord bit of her trying desperately to suppress her emotions. It was enough for him to notice.

“Are you in pain, Evelyn?” he asked slowly. He was confused, very confused, and his hearts were still shattering over the loss of Rose, but he knew whatever happened to this girl traumatized her and he had to help her first. To be honest, he welcomed it. A distraction.

“No,” she said.

Liar, she thought to herself. She just watched her mother disappear. She was NOT okay. And she was in pain.

Her brain started to overwork itself as he stood up and held out his hand to help her up. She paused, taking a deep breath and remembering to activate her defense shields on her mind as she gripped it, pulling herself up.

She felt a pang of sadness as she did this. She never put up those shields around her parents, but her father had taught her how in case they were ever in a situation where someone would try and access her mind. Not that he would try - he thought she was human after all, but they shared Time Lord DNA, and they were both in an emotional state. She knew their memories would fly between them like lightning. To her relief, her eleven years of memory defense training seemed to work as she grabbed his hand, both of their minds safe and untouched in their heads.

She detached her hand immediately and wiped her eyes. Her father was stiff. Everything she did reminded him of Rose.

Rose.

For the first time, he felt tears begin to tug at his eyes but he pushed them down. He could cry later. With a curt nod he began to walk forward. Evelyn stood still as he turned around.

“You coming? I’ll help you call your parents,” he called. She took a deep breath.

“Yeah,” she answered. If you only knew, she thought. This was the only way to mend the timeline she had so terribly unraveled. To follow her father, who didn’t know he was her father, to the TARDIS.

~~~~~

He wasn’t walking next to her. She reminded him too much of Rose. But she was close, and he made sure she could see where he was going.

Her hand darted up to her neck, where the Time Jumper necklace she used to get her here calmly rested underneath her sweater. It was something she had found at an antique trade on the planet Barcelona, and Rose bought it for her as a birthday gift this year. It was out of power and would be for another 24 hours, otherwise she would jump back to the father who knew her for his help.

At least she told herself that is what she would do, but she also knew she desperately wanted to heal the pain she caused this younger version of her goofy Time Lord father. That, and she was terrified to return and find out her mother was lost forever. She had to fix this.

Her jaw clenched in the way that reminded her mother of her father. She may only be sixteen, but she also knew the timelines and what was at stake. The woman who just fell into an alternate universe was carrying her in her stomach, and they had to get her back into this universe before she was born. Otherwise, she would cease to exist in this world and be pulled into the Void herself.

Leaving her father with no one.

That was not going to happen.

She was pleased at how rational her thoughts were as she walked behind him. He would be proud of her, if he knew how clearly she was thinking about the timeline of their family and how desperate she was to fix it.

Her mother would be proud of her, too. She smiled to herself. Knowing Rose Tyler, she was probably in that alternate universe thinking the exact same thing. She could practically hear her mother’s protest - yelling to the skies that she was carrying the Doctor’s baby and she had to get back to see the ecstatic look on his face when she told him the news.

Take me back! She would be screaming.

If her mother was working on it, she needed to as well.

The Tyler women were very, very stubborn. And that would be good for both of them.

They approached the TARDIS and Evelyn bit her lip again. Was it different seventeen years ago? Would it know her? Would her father figure out who she was once she was on board?

They hadn’t discussed this particular scenario before in all her Time and Dimension courses he insisted on teaching her since she was four, and she rolled her lip in her mouth weighing her options.

Screw it. She thought. Her mother wasn’t an option to give up on.

He opened the door and walked in, leaving it open for Evelyn to follow.

“You can come in, if you’d like. Or stay out there. I’ll grab a phone for you to call your folks. Leave the door open,” he said.

Act surprised, she told herself when she crossed the threshold. Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open, and she saw her father smirk.

They always did this, he mused to himself.

“It’s… er… big,” Evelyn said. Without thinking, she smiled at her father, her tongue creeping up to the corner of her mouth like her mother’s did. His face darkened.

“Where did you learn to do that?” he asked her quietly. Evelyn stiffened. She forgot. Her father called that the “Rose Smile”.

“Do what?” she asked innocently, choosing to ignore him as best she could and walk along the railing, her hand brushing against the TARDIS. The ship began to hum and Evelyn quickly pulled her hand back.

The Doctor was alert now. The TARDIS responded to her touch as if she knew her, and it all felt wrong. Like a sick joke the universe was playing - throwing this copycat Rose to him right after he lost her.

“Who are you?” he snapped. He was standing by the console now, his arm branded with his sonic screwdriver.

Crap.

Evelyn knew this look. The Oncoming Storm was waking up. She had seen her father’s most protective state erupt a few times; when she or her mother were in danger, or when he had to make a gut-wrenching, universe saving, murderous decision. Rose tried to shield her from it as best she could, but she was part Time Lord and she could sense when her father was in this kind of agony no matter what her mother tried to do.

“Doctor -” she said, the word sounding foreign in her mouth. He was dad to her.

“I never told you my name,” he hissed, his arm inching closer as he adjusted his sonic screwdriver.

“Er….” Evelyn began, racking her brain for a way to fix this. “I - I, um…”

“Who. Are. You?” he said again, each word stabbing. She sighed.

“I’m Evelyn Tyler,” she said, her breath leaving her body as she looked down at her feet. “I’m your daughter.”

The Doctor dropped his sonic screwdriver.

Evelyn refused to make eye contact. She was kicking herself mentally for telling him this. Timelines were surely unraveling even more now, but he had cornered her and she had to tell him the truth.

“What?” he finally whispered after what felt like an eternity. “What did you say?”

Evelyn looked at him, her chocolate swirls a mirror of his as their eyes met. He saw it then, the piece of her that felt so familiar before; it was her eyes.

“Hi, Dad,” she whispered. The Doctor stood completely still, “Will you say something?”

“You….” he managed to croak out, still refusing to move. “You’re….”

“Yeah,” Evelyn said, biting her lip. “That’s all I can say. Timelines and whatnot.”

She grinned at him, hoping to make him laugh, but he just stiffened even more.

“How...are you here?” he whispered.

“Can’t say..” Evelyn replied. The less he knew, the better. “We just need to make sure we get Mu-… Rose, back,” she added.

The Doctor’s breath caught in his throat. He heard it, the word Evelyn tried to swallow. He could have guessed by her last name, and truly… he knew just from one glance who this girl’s mother was.

“Rose is -”

He stopped. His eyes were watering. He stepped closer to her now, terrified to touch her, as if she was a piece of glass he would surely break at the first chance he got. Evelyn didn’t say anything, but her silence told him all he needed to know.

“That’s not possible,” he said. “She’s human -”

Evelyn bit her lip. He knew so little. She knew, though, the fantastic story of Rose Tyler. How her DNA shifted when she absorbed the Time Vortex. It was a story this man had told her proudly.

Her mother. His wife.

The trace amounts of Time Lord DNA had allowed her to get pregnant after she and the Doctor declared their love for each other after Krop Tor. When she was carrying Evelyn, she absorbed a bit of her DNA as well, and Rose was the universe’s first and only impossible human. 100% human DNA with a Time Lord lifespan.

He would find all that out eventually, she knew. And she couldn’t tell him any of it now. The discovery of this knowledge were some of her parent’s happiest memories. So instead, she just continued to bite her lip and watched him.

“Dad?” she asked. His eyes snapped back to her, “Listen, um…”

“I don’t believe you,” he interrupted, his eyes dark. He had lost Rose today. His head and his hearts were at war and he felt tears threaten again, “This is cruel. This is so, so cruel.”

“Okay,” Evelyn said. It was a very Rose-like response, and she felt her mother’s ability to navigate her father’s mood swings taking over. They were both masters at it. Now, however, he was a bit moodier than she was used to, but she had to remember he was seventeen years younger and didn’t know the joys his life would be.

But she also knew him. And she knew what he would do. He would deflect. He would choose giddiness. Time Lord thing. She needed his help, and in order to get it, he had to believe.

“I guess a blood test in the Infirmary is needed. No problem,” she said, bouncing off to the hallway of the TARDIS. He stared at her, confused as she disappeared behind the wall. Grumbling, he closed the front door and followed her.

“You don’t even know where -”

“Second door on the left?” she asked, her blonde head poking out of the infirmary door. He sighed. She looked so much like Rose it physically hurt.

He knew, deep down, that she was right. But everything in his body protested and told him it was a trick. The universe did not work for him; it did not give him a happy ending. Today made that abundantly clear. One moment Rose was telling him she was never going to leave him, and the next she was sucked into a parallel world.

However, as he watched this girl prop herself up on the exam bed and swipe her skin atop her median cubital vein to prep for the needle she would have him use to draw a blood sample, he felt his hearts quicken. She looked like Rose but acted like him as she flashed him a smile, holding the sterile needle out in front of her.

“Ready!” she exclaimed. He took the needle from her, his hands shaking slightly. He moved to the sink and washed his hands, put gloves on, and returned to her side.

“You act like you’ve done this before,” he mused, watching her carefully.

“I was bitten by a radioactive snake droid when I was eleven. You took like… twenty samples to make sure I was okay,” she said laughing, but her smile quickly fell. Stop talking. Don’t tell him more. Timelines.

“Hm,” the Doctor said. If he had a daughter, that sounded like the kind of thing he would do. After a moment, the vial on the needle was full and he pulled it out of Evelyn’s arm, watching as she wrapped the site that was bleeding with gauze all on her own. She had done this before.

With bated breath he pulled his own DNA sample. He sighed.

“I… Rose,” he said, broken. Evelyn understood. He didn’t have anything with her DNA to compare.

“Just see what that says, first,” she offered, trying to nudge her father toward the machinery that would detect their bloodline. He sighed.

This was ludicrous. It was insane. He felt like an absolute idiot dropping this teenage girl’s blood down the tube, followed by his own. His brain just kept denying what his hearts already knew, until the results appeared on the screen.

She was his daughter.

He turned to her instantly, his mind reeling. She smiled at him, shrugging.

“Told ya,” she said.

He hugged her.

His daughter.

His and Rose Tyler’s.

His brain finally shut off and he acted from his hearts. He pulled back and looked at her with wide eyes, shaking his head.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he said, suddenly panicked. Evelyn looked at the ground.

“I know. You’re probably cursing the stars back home right now,” she whispered.

“So we’re… together? You and I? Which means…. Rose… she comes back?” he asked her. His voice was so hopeful and Evelyn groaned.

STOP. TALKING. EVELYN. She scolded herself.

“Don’t answer that,” the Doctor suddenly said, his face draining of all color. “Don’t. Don’t answer that. I…”

Evelyn saw the turmoil he was going through. She felt it through their blood bond. It brought tears to her eyes to see her father pine for her mother so openly; so desperately.

Soulmates. The Doctor and Rose were.

The Doctor’s brain was spinning.

“Dad?” Evelyn began, her eyes meeting his.

“Y-yeah?” he responded, choked up by the word and the events of the last two hours. He wanted Rose. He wanted her to meet their daughter, too.

In that moment, Evelyn felt herself begin to shake. This was spiraling out of control quickly and she needed her Dad to tell her what to do. But she was terrified; she felt her entire body crumble as she started to cry, the reality of how badly she screwed this up hitting her.

Her own existence was hanging in the balance. So were her parent’s entire lives together.

All because she wanted a picture of Jackie so her mum had something to remember her by.

All because she miscalculated her jump. And landed in the most pinnacle moment of her parent’s relationship.

“I… I know what I have to do. I have to fix this, but I… I… don’t know how to do that. I’m sixteen, this is well beyond what you’ve been able to teach me so far and... “ she trailed off, her face buried in her hands by the end.

“Evelyn,” he said seriously. “Timelines change all the time. Did… Rose, your mum, did… did she not-”

Evelyn shook her head. He understood. Before, she never fell into the void. Pete never came back. They were never separated.

He never felt this agonizing pain.

His breath quickened and he began to pace back and forth.

“Have we discussed fixed points in time?” he asked quickly. Evelyn nodded.

“Yeah. You said there are moments that cement timelines; a new piece of information or a shift in events. Changing those things disrupts the timeline they are in.” She responded. The Doctor grinned at her.

“Exactly. Clearly, something disrupted a fixed point today. Rose fell in, but all we need to do is create a new fixed point. If we do that, we can get her back,” he felt his hearts throbbing in his chest as he spoke, daring himself to see hope in the eyes of his sixteen year old daughter. She was here; she was real; which meant Rose once again defied the odds.

“I don’t know what in this situation is a fixed point and what isn’t,” Evelyn admitted, tears streaming down her face again. “I mean… I know some of them. But I’m so terrified I’m going to lose both of you because I mess one up again.”

The Doctor stopped and watched as Evelyn sobbed. He hugged her, his arms holding her and trying to convince her she would be safe, when suddenly their minds connected. Evelyn forgot to put up her defenses in the middle of all the tears, and the Doctor pulled away.

He didn’t stay long enough to see memories, but he could feel her sadness and fear. And it echoed his. Time Lord thing.

“Not possible,” he whispered.

“See?!” Evelyn cried. “How do I know that because that just happened I don’t mess up the first time we think the same thought later! It’s too much, it’s too hard!”

The Doctor saw the weight of the universe land on his daughter’s shoulders, and he stiffened. They had a Time Lord bond… He felt a new wave of composure wash over him. He would stop this. He would fix this. There was a future where he got to be with Rose and this perfect blend of the two of them, and he was not about to lose that.

“Evelyn, stop. Please,” He said, placing his hands on her shoulders. His eyes met hers and he smiled, and Evelyn noticed the lack of wrinkles around his eyes like she was used to. “Don’t worry about that.”

She bit her lip.

“No, seriously. Don’t. As long as you don’t tell me specifics about your childhood, I will still experience them as if they are the very first time. So will Rose. So will you. The only thing we need to worry about is undoing what happened today. Getting her back,” he said. His eyes were kind for the first time since they met, and she felt her stomach settle. These were the eyes of her father. The eyes that knew what to do.

“Okay,” she said. “Okay. That makes sense.”

“Good,” he said, smiling at her. “Come on, do you like chips? Your mum-”

“Loves chips, yeah,” Evelyn said, smiling. “I do. Love ‘em, too.”

The Doctor rambled on about how excited he was to meet her and how it’s going to make the moment he finds out she’s on the way even more exciting, now that he knew how wonderful she was. He placed some heated chips from the TARDIS kitchen in front of her and Evelyn smiled as she took a bite. He felt his breath hitch. SO much like Rose, she was.

“So… meeting me, it won’t change when Mum tells you about me for the first time?” she asked. The Doctor grinned so wide it looked like his mouth would fly away.

“Not at all. Not even a little bit. I’ll be even more excited,” he said seriously, stealing a chip from her plate.

Evelyn almost said something about how happy that made her, because her mum was probably so worried about not being able to tell him she was expecting at this exact moment, but she caught herself. That would disrupt the fixed point her parents adore so much. The moment her mother told him and her father kissed her belly and began to speak to her in Gallfriean. She rolled her eyes to herself as she ate her chips, wondering if other children know these kinds of details about their parents. Time Lord Thing.

They finished their chips and Evelyn yawned. The Doctor smiled.

“Past your bedtime?” he asked. Evelyn suppressed a snort very much like the ones her mother would give him.

“I’m sixteen, Dad. No more bedtimes. Plus, time is relative. What even is a bedtime?” she asked; a twinkle in her eye. He didn’t ask her this, but he suspected that was something he taught her. He also knew it probably drove Rose mad when their daughter was younger. “But… um… well, there’s a fixed point I know is supposed to happen soon, and…” she trailed off, looking at her father. He nodded.

He didn’t ask what it was. She didn’t tell him. But she knew one thing about time - it was relative. Which means they needed to get Rose back before she gave birth as soon as possible.

“We don’t have much time,” he said. Evelyn nodded.

“Does time move faster in parallel universes?” she asked carefully, afraid to reveal something she shouldn’t. Her father shrugged.

“Not sure. Depends on the universe. Where Rose is… it should be about the same, but we don’t want to risk that, it seems,” he said, “Alright. Drink something. Water, tea, whatever. Then we get to work. Allons-y Evelyn Tyler!”

Evelyn smiled. There was her father.

They exited the TARDIS and examined the floor at Canary Wharf that Rose disappeared from. The Doctor was desperately looking for a rift; something they might be able to cross into, pull Rose from, and bring her back. He was rambling to Evelyn about how the seal might not be completely closed now that she was here, too, but the longer they searched the more resigned they both came to the result that there was nothing they could do here.

“Do we… go back? Warn her?” Evelyn asked. “Tell her not to look up, to hold on, to ignore me?”

The Doctor frowned. “Is that what happened?” he asked, softly. Evelyn’s eyes widened. This was most definitely not a fixed point, she could feel that, since they were trying to undo this current state of events. She sighed, swallowing her tears.

“Yes. I… I used this,” she said, pulling the necklace out from around her neck. “I was trying to visit during Christmas, and was going to sneak a picture of Jackie for Mum. That part is the same in the future; Jackie and Pete living far away… I dunno, Mum has nothing’ to remember her Mum by and I just… she’s been really sad about it lately...” she broke off. She almost said too much again.

Because she knew a little secret. That Rose Tyler was pregnant again in her current timeline with her future baby brother. She was just three months, not even showing, but her hormones had been causing her lots of crying.

And her brother’s life depended on this undoing itself as well.

Don’t tell him that! Evelyn scolded herself.

The Doctor was still frowning, and he gently took the necklace from Evelyn’s hand; examining it. It was poorly made, complete rubbish in fact, but he could see that his daughter just wanted to do something nice for her mother. And he couldn’t be mad at her for that. Even though there was a gaping, visceral pain in his chest from being separated from Rose. Even though Evelyn could have been torn apart molecularly from this crapshoot of a time device.

Instead, he sighed and wrapped her in a hug as she began to cry into his lapel.

“Shhhh,” he said. He was surprised at how quickly his paternal instincts kicked in, and hoped that this confidence would last when she was baby again. He clenched his jaw; that would only happen if they succeeded. “That was… very Rose of you,” he whispered. She smiled. She wouldn’t tell him this, but those words were said to her often, especially as she got older.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” she whispered. “I know we’re doing what we can to change it back, but I just… I’m sorry.”

“I know. And to answer your question… no. We can’t go back and warn her. She’ll be too worried about it the entire battle and there are certain things… certain timelines that we need in tact,” he said, his mind drifting to the soar of his heart when he realized she truly meant forever with him. The look on Rose’s face when he let her stay. He needed those.

“So… what do we do?”

“There may not be a rift here, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one somewhere,” the Doctor answered. “Specifically one place, I just… need to know where....”

They walked back to the TARDIS, the Doctor asking Evelyn all about her favorite things. She was quite hesitant to answer him, but did after his assurance it wouldn’t affect anything.

Chips.

Mint Ice Cream.

Action Packed Sci-Fi Movies

Her parents.

His smile was wide as can be when she said the last one. She looked at him very seriously, “I would literally do anything for both of you.”

“I have a very strong suspicion that feeling is mutual, Evelyn Tyler,” he said.

She nodded, taking a deep breath.

Her phone rang. She forgot she had that. Soniced with a signal ready to cross universes. And Timelines.

It was him. Future him.

She looked up and he raised his eyebrows - this ball was completely in her court. He was not about to get in the way of himself. He knew better.

Evelyn groaned and picked up the phone.

“Hi, Dad!” she said, a little over-excitedly. She glanced at her younger father who was rocking on the balls and toes of his feet, looking up and trying to focus on the ceiling tiles above the TARDIS.

“Evelyn!” she heard him say. “Where are you?! We went to wake you up and -”

“I’m okay, Dad. I’m so sorry… I…” She glanced over at the version of her father with her now, and he nodded. It would be okay.

“I’m actually with you. A younger you. Seventeen years ago younger,” she said.

The line was silent for a moment.

“Evelyn?” her father’s voice eventually asked, dark and heavy, “How did you get there?”

She bit her lip but told him everything, hoping the father she grew up with would be as forgiving as the one she just met. She heard him sigh.

“Can I talk to him?” her father asked. Evelyn bit her lip.

“Is that…. safe?” she began.

“I wouldn’t ask you if it wasn’t, just let me talk to him,” her father snapped, a little harsher than he meant it to, “I’m sorry. Your mother is still here. So, clearly we haven’t messed things up too badly yet.”

“She’s there?” Evelyn asked, her breath escaping her. Tears fell from her eyes and she saw her younger father’s eyes snap to her. His hearts were pounding. He took the phone from Evelyn as she tried to compose herself, his mind thinking the same thing his older self was.

“Hi,” he said seriously, wrapping an arm around Evelyn.

“She’s okay?” the older version asked himself, referring to Evelyn.

“Yes. She’s okay?” the younger version asked, referring to Rose.

“Yes,” he replied.

The younger Doctor let out a sigh. So did the older one. Then they started laughing like old chums. These women were going to be the death of them. Their impossible humans.

“There is a rift open now. I can feel it, I figured since Evelyn is here that -”

“Yes, yes. You need to find it. We’ll go back and try to grab Rose’s younger self before Pete does -”

“Right! Yes! Brilliant, then we can meet at the rift-”

“Yes exactly, and close it. Rose and Evelyn will switch -”

“Can never stay put, it seems -”

“Right!”

They were laughing, currently finding this entire situation hilarious. They had a plan, and they knew the plan would work. They just couldn’t fudge the timelines anymore than they already were. If they did, future Rose would disappear along with Evelyn. Suddenly, the younger Doctor’s face fell as a voice he didn’t expect to hear came ringing in his ears.

“Doctor.”

It was Rose. She had taken the phone from her husband and sounded very, very serious, clearly miffed that they were laughing about this situation.

“Hi,” he managed to squeak out. He missed her, he yearned for her. Hearing her voice made him want to run into the TARDIS and go find her. Now.

“Don’t let her out of your sight?” she asked. The Doctor’s eyes darted to Evelyn, who had managed to calm herself down a little.

“Not for a moment. Not till she’s with both of you,” he said very seriously. He would have his future with them, he could practically taste it.

“Thank you,” she said, “can you hand her the phone?”

The Doctor wanted to say so much more, but he could tell even through the phone that Rose was holding back. Most likely trying to keep some sort of timeline intact for them. But Rassalion, how we wanted to say three words to her he should have said ages back.

“Y-Yes. Rose?” he said, a little more desperate than he meant it to.

“Yeah?” she asked.

“See you soon,” he said, smiling. He could hear her grin through the phone, too.

“Not if I see you first,” she said, and his hearts soared, remembering the first time she’d said those words.

He suspected then, remembering the events that transpired after Krop Tor, that his current Rose may already be pregnant with this very lovely teenage girl sitting behind him as he handed her the phone. And he was giddy. And he suspected Evelyn knew this, and that the fixed point she was referring to was her birth. But he would never ask. He didn’t want to know now. He wanted that future memory intact.

Rose told Evelyn she loved her and to stay safe. And then they hung up.

What happened next happened quickly. The Doctor and Evelyn entered the Vortex, scanning and trying desperately to find the remaining rift.

The Doctor and Rose went back in time and waited. The TARDIS had a few upgrades in seventeen years, and luckily wouldn’t be able to be pulled into the Void. So, when Rose let go, the Doctor watched himself open the door to the TARDIS that suddenly appeared, wink at him, and pull Rose to safety. Then, they too entered the Vortex.

Normally, crossing his own timeline was a major risk, but the Doctor with Evelyn suddenly felt his brain swish, and a new memory was there. Rose was safe. It worked. There was suddenly a beautiful blend of the timeline in the Doctor’s head as his time stream now became the events of the last few hours. Meeting his daughter and working with her to get her mother back.

Not bad for a day in the life of a Time Lord.

He began to cry from happiness. For once the universe seemed to be on his side. Just then, the TARDIS located the final rift. A beach in Norway. Normally, he would have to use telepathy to tell Rose and the Doctor where to meet them, but Evelyn was a teenager from the future and he was able to borrow her cell phone. Human thing.

Evelyn got an idea. Her father told her what to do.

They all arrived at the rift at the same time. Both sets of the Doctor and Rose smiled when they realized where they were. Bad Wolf Bay. Of course.

Two perfect blue TARDIS’s, one slightly more dinged up than the other, materialized across from each other. The doors swung open, and Evelyn and a younger Rose both ran out. When they saw each other, it took both of their breath away.

Her daughter was four years younger than this current version of herself, and she looked back at her older self in shock. Rose nodded, smiling, and blew her younger self a kiss. She couldn’t touch her (she remembered the last time she touched her younger self), and the last thing they needed was a paradox, but Rose received the message. It’s going to be amazing.

It really was boggling all of their minds. They were practically twins, 20 year old Rose and her daughter. Except her eyes, which were very clearly the eyes of her favorite Time Lord.

They didn’t speak to each other, and also couldn’t touch, seeing as baby Evelyn was technically here, too. Rose absent-mindedly touched her belly. The Doctor, her Doctor, appeared in the doorway and saw, and his face broke out into a brilliant, brilliant smile. She was home.

She ran, as Evelyn watched in tears, at the perfect reunion of her parents. Her younger, more carefree, head over heels with a baby on the way in love parents. They kissed, he spun her around, and told her those three words he desperately needed to say. She said them back. He spoke to her belly. Evelyn felt her heart soar.

Suddenly, she felt two sets of arms crash into her.

Her parents.

Her older, still mostly carefree, head over heels with a baby on the way in love parents.

She sobbed. They sobbed. It felt like a blur in her mind.

“What were you thinking?!” Rose sighed, cupping her daughter’s face in her hands. “We got so lucky, Ev. But you don’t ever, ever, do that again, do you understand?”

Evelyn nodded. She wrapped her parents in a hug. The Doctor kissed her cheek, and looked over at his younger self with pride. This is what they created. This family.

There was an understanding between them as the younger Doctor held Rose to him; Evelyn no larger than a pea in her belly, and his older self, hugging his nearly full grown version of that same pea sized girl. Time was relative. It was pliable. It was fragile. And this - this incredible and unlikely turn of events, was nothing short of a miracle. And it was something they would all fight tooth and claw for for centuries to come.

Not that the younger Doctor or Rose knew that. But they would soon find out.

The Doctor kissed Rose, smiling into her lips, and walked over to his future family, his eyes asking silent permission from his future self and Rose to do one final thing before he left. They smiled, stepping back, as the Doctor hugged Evelyn.

“See you soon,” he whispered. She hugged him tightly, tears streaming down her cheeks as he pulled away.

“The one adventure I can never have, isn’t that what we said?” he asked himself, who grinned.

“Just you wait,” he replied.

The Doctor turned around and closed the door to the TARDIS, his life with Rose beginning.

The other Doctor sighed, wrapping his two favorite beings in the entire universe in his arms and holding them a little closer than he normally did.

I have a surprise for Mum. Evelyn thought. Only the Doctor heard the message and he nodded.

I remember. He said.

Five minutes. Evelyn promised.

Sure enough, five minutes later, they walked into the TARDIS and began to burn up a nearby sun to close the rift. Evelyn bit her lip as she pressed a button on the TARDIS and told her Mum to stand on a very specific spot on the grating. She did.

And when she looked up, she saw her mum. Jackie Tyler.

She was frozen; completely shocked. She looked over at Evelyn who made a gesture with her hands telling her to talk.

“Mum,” Rose said, her tears escaping their homes like wild waters.

“Sweetheart!” she said, “I love you! Where are you?”

“On the TARDIS. I love you, too, Mum. I - I’ve been wanting to tell you that for so long,” she said through her tears. Jackie smiled.

“How long has it been, love?” she asked.

Rose brought the Doctor and Evelyn onto the grating with her, showing them off. Silently showing her it had been quite a while in her timeline.

“Hello Jackie,” the Doctor said, smiling.

“You’re still around, then?” Jackie asked, half joking. He rolled his eyes and smiled, “Who is this?”

“I’m Evelyn. I’m your granddaughter.” She said, gripping her mother’s hand and she supported herself against her husband’s chest. The Doctor kissed Rose’s forehead, and he could feel her relief in her mind. This was better than a picture.

“Well. How bout that,” Jackie said, smiling. It was sad, but it’s also exactly what they both needed. Closure. They had about a minute left, and Rose told her Mum she was expecting another little one soon, and Jackie told her they were doing well in the parallel world. They had Tony, but she missed Rose more than words could describe. Rose said she felt the same, but she was glad they were happy. They said they loved each other again, and then it was over.

The sun was gone.

Rose collapsed on the grate as the Doctor held her, kissing her forehead again and whispering his love to her. Evelyn stood terrified. This backfired, this was not what was supposed to happen. It was supposed to make her happy. She was crying, blaming herself for this, when Rose looked up at her.

“Ev,” she said, smiling, “thank you.”

“W-what?” she asked, kneeling next to mother as she leaned against her father, “You aren’t…. mad?”

“Mad?” Rose asked, smiling brilliantly at her, “That was…the greatest gift. Getting to talk to her. To tell her a proper goodbye. I can’t tell you how much that’s weighed on me,” she whispered, pulling her daughter in for a hug. The Doctor smiled to himself.

“I love you, Mum,” Evelyn whispered, wrapping her arms tightly around her. “Dad. I love you,” She added as he put his arms on top of theirs. They stayed like this for a moment.

Turns out, she had helped after all.

The Doctor stepped back and smiled at them. Then held his hand out and helped Rose up, kissing her. He helped Evelyn up next, and she gave him a puzzled look when he kept his hand out after she was standing.

“Necklace, young lady,” he said. Evelyn smirked.

“Good idea,” she said, handing it to him. They approached the control panel as the Doctor tucked the Time Jumper in his pocket, and grinned wildly at each other.

“Allons-y!” they all shouted as the Doctor hit the lever to their next surprise destination. Time Lord Thing.

[heartmeadows]

So, uhh hi. I’m sorry about my last post. I do think I overshared, not by much but still by enough that I’ve felt ashamed ever since. And avoided posting anything else or responding to anyone. I’ve needed time to figure things out and I have actually finally overcome some big obstacles that have been in the way of my healing, recovery, whatever you wanna call it. I’m unfortunately gonna ramble so it’s gonna be under a read more

It’s taken over 6 months for me to even be able to truly feel and be present, and stop isolating myself, pushing people away, and avoiding facing my fears and troubles.... among other effects, symptoms, etc. of trauma. Trauma fucks you up. I think by now most people know that. But I’m ready to stop wallowing in self pity and hate, and letting my C-PTSD run the show. I can do better, I can be brave. I know I have more in me. It’s just that whenever I take steps back and/or I get hurt I need time to recover my strength to get back up and keep going on. With survival, recovery, all that. I do things my way no matter what. And it’s a mess most of the time. But there’s also the other side of it all. I don’t have a word for it. I suppose what I mean is that despite it all the pain me and the people I love, and even strangers and any of us, have experienced and keep experiencing there’s still hope. There’s hope, joy, light and beauty in life even during the darkest times. Sometimes the pain just blinds me too much. I could keep going on about... a lot. Pretty words. Wise words. Things I’ve learned and things I’m learning. But I have a tendency to write or talk too much, or not at all. I really find it hard to be in the middle, I always will be bipolar. Not in a quirky way, not in an ableist way some people tend to use words without understanding their meaning. I mean that I have bipolar disorder, among other issues or qualities. I guess I’m not exactly making sense fully or making any definitive point. But it’s not like I can currently can. I’m still figuring things out. I just mean that I’m me. I don’t know how to be anything else, nor do I want to ever pretend again to fit in. I learnt some dark but needed lessons the hard way. I won’t ever allow my loneliness to be a way for people to hurt me because in my desperation to feel like I belong I turn to the wrong people and trust the kind of people no one should. Anyway, I digress.  It’s one step and one day at a time. And it’s ok. And I’m ok. And I’m also not ok. I’m a lot of things. A collection of paradoxes. Always liked that sentence and still find it something I could pretty much get tattooed because I relate to it on a deep level no matter how pretentious it might sound to some people. But yeah, I’m rambling. It’s well past midnight, I just had a cigarette and a cup of coffee earlier in my garden in the lovely summer air. The nights are already getting darker but I enjoy that. I don’t mind that my sleeping schedule keeps changing constantly and that I am living both a life of night owl and an early bird. Guess I’m a versatile bird lmao. Honestly, I’m going through that whole “sudden” moment of clarity at the most inconvenient time ‘cause it’s not like I can get my shit together right now. I’ve just found the positivity and hope I’ve been searching for. I’ve found solutions to a lot of problems. It’s that same old “I know all the answers to the questions I’ve had lately” but not really that hyperbolic. I’m thankfully not manic. I know what I need to do in order to start getting better again. I also know that it’s gonna take a lot of courage to do most of the things that will help me get forward. It’s not gonna be easy. But it’s time to stop waiting for things to change without actually working to change things. I’m just... over the past. I’m ready to let go of the pain and of the person I was that I’ve been longing to be again, and also of the regret and shame of the person that I became at times that I never wanted to be. I thought that I had to cling onto the past in order not to lose myself after going through trauma that made me truly feel like I’d lost everything to the point I went too far and attempted suicide four fucking times. After years of not even so much as cutting myself. You know, not my first attempts but my worst ones because it’s a miracle after miracle surviving these overdoses. It’s hard to understand I guess. I really thought I’d lost everything. That they took everything from me. But I was wrong. I understand now that after everything I’ve finally come to a point where I can re-invent myself. To choose where I want my life to head towards and who I truly want to be. I’ve already come so far, for example I’ve finally overcome my addiction to hard drugs. And I never thought I could do that. But I kept trying. I kept going. I relapsed last year and that lead to all the misery that has followed me. But I got through it. I still have my other, physical addiction to meds that are for now the only way I can cope with my physical issues and also numb myself to a point. But I know I’ll find a way out of this one too. I won’t let anything or anyone destroy me anymore. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve learnt lessons the hard way. I’ve paid the price of asking too many questions in life and wanting to find the answers by being stupid, reckless, too trusting, too lonely, too self destructive. I guess I still have to figure out how to stop rambling too much, especially when I’m pretty sure without all the context a lot of this doesn’t make sense. So, I’ll just try my best to finish this post with saying that I’m ready to let go, move on and re-invent myself again. Like I said. But not fully, like I have done before. I’m not changing my name again (and people have stopped calling me by my deadname, if it’s ok to use that word to describe my birthname that isn’t my name at all, not in any way, and I changed it legally a long time ago too) or dying or cutting my hair, nah. I’m not fully happy with the surface level of my identity and life right now because I’ve gained weight, gotten more ill and started to age in a way I know is caused by being unhealthy (stupid to keep smoking still even after being in a coma and a breathing machine way too many times by now because of the overdoses)... It’s hard to make this short, sorry. What I mean is that I’m disappointed and hurt with where my choices and the consequences of not only my acts but others have lead me to. But it’s not over. Because I’m alive, I survived and I still have a chance to change things for the better. And to truly be myself and get back on track on my journey of self improvement and recovery, healing. It’s not too late like I thought. I can still be Lena and for that to mean that I can become someone I can truly be proud of. To be someone the people in my life can look up to. And to keep following the path I create for myself, to pursue my freedom and my passions. To let go of the self destruction. To walk the path of light and accept the dark but not let it control me. I can find balance, mentally, physically and spiritually. I can heal. Everything’s gonna be ok. So I’ll just stop here. I’m gonna go sim, to be honest, and I’ll hope to post sims stuff again soon enough. If anyone actually read this annoyingly long post I thank you for your patience and for listening to me, so to speak. It’s important for me to post this so that I can come back to this in those moments I feel low again. To have a reminder that will give me strength to keep going on.