#the outline in my planning doc is a Proper Outline so it has a lot of long descriptions of how scenes play out

[zorosmalewife]

chain reaction upd8

The first round of edits on chapter 8 is done! My beta will read tomorrow, I'll do a final pass, and then we're good to post Sunday on schedule!

RN, it's looking like I MIGHT be able to post chapter 9 on time, though it may be a few days late. After that, I will probably take a week or two off, because I work a LOT in the middle of December. I think I will, perhaps, post 9 a week late, to give myself more time to get ahead. This will depend on how much writing I can get done in the next week and a half.

I have been writing today, though! I've been diligently working on the timeskip! This wasn't intended, but some of the scenes I've written / started have become continuous, which wouldn't be a problem if there wasn't also POV switching. I've decided to use line breaks to delineate this! One line break will mean it's just a change of POV, while two will mean there's a skip forward in time! I'll add these to the list below (as they take form in the doc LOL) using slashes

I've updated the abridged outline and also added VERY tentative chapter breaks. The end of chapter 9 is the only one that I'm fairly certain on, the rest are all there based on the Vibes of the scenes I have planned. Depending on how long they end up being in practice, things could change dramatically. If this breakdown comes to fruition, there will be 16 chapters total.

Scenes, in tentative order:

1 - decides [COMPLETE] 2 - contact [COMPLETE] 3 - FD 1 - decision [WIP] // 4 - S 1 - fruit [COMPLETE] / 5 - handprints [WIP] -> this is going to include porn probably? I'm wondering if I should also delineate sex so people can skip it if they so choose. Tho I will say the piece has always been rated E because I always intended to write smut, partially because the original has smut, and also because I like writing smut for these two and I wanna do more stuff with them... IDK. There WILL be sex, either way, I just need to sort the logistics INTERLUDE - FD 2 - together -- predicted end of chapter 9 & start of chapter 10 -- 6 - alpha INTERLUDE - S 2 - distraction 7 - farm INTERLUDE - FD 3 - wine 8 - haki INTERLUDE - S 3 - practice 9 - camping INTERLUDE - FD 4 - setup 10 - nails -- predicted end of chapter 10 & start of chapter 11 -- INTERLUDE - S 4 - mihawk 11 - spearfishing INTERLUDE - FD 5 - baths 12 - trust INTERLUDE - S 5 - wrestling -- predicted end of chapter 11 & start of chapter 12 -- 13 - solidarity INTERLUDE - FD 6 - nipples 14 - honest answer INTERLUDE - S 6 - mihawk 2 15 - love INTERLUDE - FD 7 - sacrifice -- predicted end of chapter 12 & start of chapter 13 -- 16 - charades INTERLUDE - S 7 - real 17 - cold INTERLUDE - FD 8 - cringe 18 - sick INTERLUDE - S 8 - N/A 19 - cooking INTERLUDE - FD 9 - recovery -- predicted end of chapter 13 & start of chapter 14 -- 20 - it all comes spilling out. INTERLUDE - S 9 - unseen 21 - reunion INTERLUDE - FD 10 - music 22 - future INTERLUDE - S 10 - unequivocal victory 23 - hair INTERLUDE - FD 11 - …? -- predicted end of chapter 14 & start of chapter 15 -- 24 - legacy INTERLUDE - S 11 - animals 25 - ok stud. INTERLUDE - FD 12 - announcement

[pyrotechnicarus]

What program do you write your scripts in?

Google Docs, haha. It's definitely not the preferred or industry-standard way of doing it; it gives older writers at my program hives when I drop a Docs link in the homework folder. But I was raised on it and it's a great collaboration tool, so I haven't made the switch yet (and maybe never will? Actually probably will once Google inevitably starts charging money for it. But not quite yet!).

Through my school I have a free Final Draft license, so I use that for screenwriting (which has a lot more pesky formatting rules and things), but I'm not planning on buying it once my license expires because A. I don't write films that much and B. I can probably hard-code it into Google Docs for free.

If you're insane like I am and wanna use Google Docs for scriptwriting, here's some formatting tips under the cut:

We're gonna be using a page of the Ghost Story script to demonstrate!

I use Times New Roman because Deborah Brevoort recommended it as a more readable (and slightly more condensed) font than Courier. Your font should adapt to your style; I tend to write short, snappy lines with a lot of back-and-forth, so I use Times which is a common font style for comedy writers (despite not writing comedies.) If you write a lot of long monologues, Courier New might give you a better sense of how your script flows on the page. Basically, you want to space your writing so it comes out to 1 minute of performance time = 1 page of writing.

Scene headings are centered and in bold.

Stage directions that start a scene are left-aligned and in italics; in NAMT-standard style, these are center-margin aligned, like this:

But it's kind of your personal preference.

4. All names are centered and underlined

5. Any stage directions that take place during a scene and cue a line of dialogue are centered, in italics, and in parenthesis. If they can start eating whenever while they're talking, I'd put They start eating left-aligned between two lines of dialogue. However, it is important to me that Hao and Józef start eating before Hao says his next line, so I put it center-aligned.

6. When you get to a song it looks like this:

Basically, songs should be numbered and come after a stage direction (even something basic, like "He stands up.") The enter after the stage directions isn't kosher, it's a Google Docs thing I'll get into later. Then you close the parenthesis on the stage direction and put a page break. Songs should always start on a new page. This is because when you integrate the book and score, you can just take those lyric sheets out and put sheets of music in. Nifty!

7. Lyrics are always capitalized. When two people sing the same thing at the same time, you can put both their names over it:

But if they're singing something different, I usually put it in two columns (there is some debate among musical theater writers on what the proper notation for this kind of thing is. But columns are easy on Google Docs, so I use those. When I have four or more people singing different things on top of one another, I use a 1x4 table and make the lines between the cells invisible, haha.)

Google Docs Specific Formatting Stuff

Ok, so, if you're lazy like me and don't want to be hitting 800 buttons while you're writing to format everything correctly (and please, god, format while you're writing -- going back and doing it later sucks) you can use the Google Docs headings to format your writing! And it will even make a nice little outline for you!

So, the default of these settings (on the left) is useless and ugly. But mine looks like this (on the right!)

If you want yours to look beautiful and be useful like mine, you can format some kind of text the way you want it to (for example, I want all my names in 12 pt Times New Roman, centered and underlined.)

Then I go to some random heading and I hit "Update heading to match"

Now, anytime I type a name, I can go back to this menu and hit "Apply Heading 5"... and it will automatically make it centered, underlined, and 12 pt Times New Roman! I make one of these for all my categories of text: stage directions, song titles, scene headers, etc.

But, ok, you still have to open all those menus while you're writing. Well! See this thing?

All of these have keyboard shortcuts (the Windows ones will show up on a Windows computer). You can really easily hit them after each name/stage direction you type instead of fiddling around with font settings. You're a formatting machine!

And here's the bonus: If you do all this correctly, you can get a really nice outline like this one embedded in your document on the left (this is where the song titles on a new line come in; I make a heading style for them so they show up on the outline, but headings only show the start of the phrase that they are part of in the outline. Ignore the numbers being wrong, lol. There's a secret song 3 that we haven't released yet.)

And it's clickable, too-- like I can jump right to Your Face from the outline without having to scroll down 20 pages.

Is this all needlessly complicated and doing manually something Final Draft will do for you? Yes. But I'm set in my ways, and it's free, so maybe it'll be helpful to another Musical Theater writer out there working with someone else on Google Docs.

That's it! Thanks for the question.

[pkmnirlevents]

How do you go about getting ideas for arcs? I’m struggling to figure out what I want to do with my character :(

Great question! This happens to be one of my absolute favorite parts of writing and pkmn irl itself. I've always been more of an ideas guy myself. I hope you don't mind but I decided to turn this into a bit of an overall tutorial for planning and writing arcs. Feel free to ask for any specifics because I could delve into my personal process for arc brainstorming, but I was admittedly writing this before getting ready for work and this post was getting kinda long haha

Knowing where to draw inspiration from can be a good place to start. It's wonderful to be inspired by music, a movie or tv show, a book, or even other people in the community and their writing. Ask yourself what elements of that thing draw you in. What do you like? What would you maybe do differently? I must mention though to be respectful of the work other blogs have put into their writing. Being inspired is a wonderful thing, lifting exact details or passages is not. If you're unsure, there's no harm is asking!

The most helpful thing I can tell you right off the bat is that you want to find out how to brainstorm. In schools they'll often try to teach you ways of brainstorming and outlining to structure your essay writing, if you're lucky they might even mention that there are multiple ways you can do this. The ones in school never worked for me personally, so for a long time I assumed brainstorming and outlining was a complete waste of my time and would launch straight into my writing drafts. But as I wanted to write more complex things and I wanted to indulge in more creative writing, I found myself getting stuck all the time. The truth is brainstorming is a helpful tool, but you have to know what type of brainstorming works best for you. Flowcharts, bullet points, stream of consciousness, word clouds, moodboards, drawings, whatever it is that gets your creative juices flowing. In my experience it works best to remember that not every one of these elements will make it into the final arc. You want to get your ideas down first and trim the excess later. I personally pay for a program (Milanote) that allows me to brainstorm in the methods that work best for me, but by no means do you have to pay for a program to do this. Pen and paper works just fine.

The next thing you wanna do is establish what you want your arc to do. Not every arc has to be a grand character development, but all arcs do something. No matter how small that something may be, something has to change as a result. Maybe your character meets a new person, obtains a new Pokemon, gets a new scar and a story to tell their friends, or maybe all they got was a t-shirt. If you already had a loose concept for your arc this can help you hone it. You can start asking yourself, "how does my character reach this point?" and work up to that. Map out what you think your character would do when dropped into a particular situation. This can also help you to establish the tone you want your arc to take. Is it silly and lighthearted or is it more serious and high stakes? Refer to the stakes tag post about proper tagging.

It can help to conceptualize your arc as a series of events rather than a single event. This allows you to understand how many posts you may need to split the arc up into, how much time the arc may take, or other hard to sort details.

These things ramp up when you start to incorporate more people into your arcs. Planning with your fellow writers is extremely important and that requires a lot of communication. Some writers prefer to do what we call pre-writing, which is typically you and the other writers get together and write out the posts in advance. This gives people the chance to look over each other's writing and make edits before the posts go live. Planning discords are useful for keeping things organized, but google docs or other collaborative writing programs can work just as well if those better suit your needs. Organize who is posting what and generally at what time, especially if the post involves other people's characters.

Remember all of this is for fun! These are not hard rules you need to follow. You should not force yourself to write things you do not like for the sake of others or for an imagined audience. Write what you want to write.

[chickenscratchjournal]

Planners, Letters, and Google Docs

So I have fully abandoned my calendar app. It has birthdays in there and will alert me for those, but when it comes to day to day stuff, I have a new best friend. I am using a month view style planner. I write everything in pencil because I change stuff up all the time. It has been good, it's not too big and doesn't have a bunch of nonsense boxes and stuff. It's just the days and I can write what school I am substitute teaching at as I schedule them in the work app and I can check off the days and write when I have dnd or plan phone calls. It is perfect.

I received a letter today in the mail. It was a very sweet letter from a now long distance friend. It had stickers and printed out memes and a pokemon card and a yu-gi-oh card. I am so excited to start being proper pen pals. I wrote my letter and put in some stickers and two star trek trading cards for him. I also wrote out a little poem by Amy Levy called "At a Dinner Party" and a little card that had some thoughts about queerness and how I have been feeling.

I also remembered that I was going to write my friends a newsletter now that I have moved out of town. So, today I am going to make that.

Now onto google docs. I have been using them a lot. I have my novel writing schedule doc, novel schematics/outlining/ideas doc, health data chart doc, and cry counter doc.

[its-all-papaya]

🫧 (sheets and towels lol)

I was wondering how you usually go about outlining? I’ve always been so terrible at it so if you had any advice or even just explaining the process a bit that would be lovely.

YAY ALL MY LOADS OF LAUNDRY ARE AT LEAST STARTED TYYYY

assign me a chore!!

i'm actually probably a bad person to ask about this because i'm usually kind of awful at "outlining" fics in any definite way. however.... i do kind of have a process, it's just not usually a formal outline.

my USUAL process is to kind of just dump every thought i have related to a fic in a bullet point list that gets added to and subtracted from as the fic develops. if i have pm's with a mutual that inspired a fic, i'll copy paste those into the list to start. if i have ideas for scenes, i'll add those to the list. if there are irl quotes or events that are relevant, those also go in the list. from there, i'll kind of rearrange things in the order that makes sense (either chronologically or by "type" of thing - i.e. for the hollow hereafter, i had a section of quotes with sub-bullets that were just transcripts from each segment of media, then i had a section of "vibes" that were like "lando just wants it all to end, can't imagine ever feeling right again after how dramatically everything inside of him has shifted", etc). once they're in an order that makes my brain feel good, i put them below a page break and start typing actual sentences at the top of the fic in a blank page. then as i'm typing a fic, if i have thoughts about things i want to do down the line NOT in the scene i'm currently typing, i'll add those to the list too as not to disrupt the actual "proper" text i'm building. once i use a thought off the list, it gets deleted so i can see what's left in the bank more clearly. basically everything that is ACTUAL COPY I INTEND ON PUBLISHING gets written from the top of the doc down, then every stray thought i want to preserve gets added onto the bottom of the doc until i use it. there are usually like sections and sub-bullets on that list to keep things semi-organized.

when i DO outline more formally, such as dad lando, it's honestly kind of stream of consciousness. i started with rough, one-line summaries of what i thought each chapter might be (i.e. one was "first meeting", two was "start texting" etc etc until we get to "epilogue"). then i filled in in sub-bullets what i wanted to include in each chapter. some, such as "oscar meets emma" are like SUPER SUPER vague rn. like three sentences. some, such as "lando goes golfing with max" had really clear inspo in my head and are like two pages of rambling. because i felt strongly about how i wanted it to go, i just started typing in half-coherent sentences (honestly how i answer asks here sometimes? this is a good example of the flow i'm talking about). however, half of that extremely rushed, just-trying-to-get-it-down-on-paper musing about this golf outing is probably word-for-word going to end up in the fic because i just let my brain work. and that's how it works a lot of the time for me. i start typing thinking it's just going to be the gist of plot points, and it ends up prose i really, really like because i'm letting my brain work freely.

my MAIN advice for outlining based on my own learning curve:

write down LITERALLY every thought you have related to a fic. whether it's half a sentence, a guiding vibe, a real event that inspires you in ways related to the fic... literally anything. you obviously don't have to use it all, but sometimes those stray thoughts help re-center me when i get kind of lost in the sauce of a fic. when i'm stuck, i just scroll the list and see if anything sticks out to me to use or draw from to get me out of the block.

don't FORCE yourself to outline every moment or plot point. like i said, some of my dad lando chapters are really thoroughly outlined, some are suuuper vague. i didn't force myself to try and plan out any of chapter three bc i wasn't feeling particularly strongly about how i wanted it to go, and it just worked itself out in time as i typed instead. i've outlined what i've figured out, and i'm going with the flow with the rest. the outline mainly motivates me and reminds me what i'm building towards, ultimately, instead of dictating every little thing i want to include. i'm never afraid to say "and then ????? but they end up kissing" and revisit once the vibes have built around a moment.

may seem obvious, but outlines are not final. i've pushed sooooo much shit i meant to include in chapters one and two of dad lando to chapter four bc it didn't hit right when i thought it would. my outline for thh was like six times as long as the actual fic bc i cut out so much stuff i thought i wanted to use. outlines are literally just to keep track of thoughts, imo, and like i said, to guide you. doesn't have to be fully formed to be useful.

hope that was helpful!!! a lot of this is very very similar to how i used to process my research papers in college, so i've had upwards of like eight years now to refine my process and find what works for my brain specifically. so i guess last tip is just try different things and use what works and throw out what doesn't in terms of methodology. everybody's different!

love u good luck writing feel free to ask more about any of this if you'd like 🫶

[eyeballtank]

* Tutorial levels revamp: There’s only 2 books in the first one where they have info related to the Companion’s controls and then you have a lot of illustrations across levels. Most other books were removed. This is my attempt at mixing both presenting enough info and making the tutorials less of a waste of time.

* The world titles that show up at chapters’ first levels have been changed to have stuff behind the latters. Feel free to check l3300n, b00k3r and h0lm3s to see the new versions.

* Because of this, the title disappears a bit sooner.

* It takes 15 coins to get a new life under the limit of now 10 max lives.

* Because of the above, I added extra coins to various levels.

* Some really tiny adjustments to z4r1n4

* b4rn3y/Massag level 4: Added a new basic NPC, a Dalmatian police officer.

* In the same level above, there’s a rope you can pull to hear the train’s horn.

* And an illustration of 3 NPC characters from this world.

* k4rl44/Massag level 5: Art for the cheerleaders.

* An option in the pause and main menu is a text with instructions about the game. It may be reworked better sometime in the future.

* p33tt3/Nort part 1 level 8: Fixed the van so it won’t reactivate again and its sound is in the proper sound channel.

* The "please read" button now says "current issues" so people wouldn't feel the need to read that thing for too long.

* Tutor1 and Krimb level 2/r1c0t0: There’s now moving platforms next to areas where ladders and water are close.

* Tutor3 has a new path that allows you to go back to the start.

The plans post also changed (Specially the Google Doc version, while Rentry version is way behind now).

* HirdrihLevel3/b0rhrr has 4 illustrations of Borhr, NPC’s and enemies.

* And the spider chips in the level above can be killed, classifying them as enemies.

* Some tiles were changed to have less unpleasant colors and a new set of tiles is just black outlines to make it clear some tiles are solid.

* Guest appearance: Ganyah (By FairyGodBomber), a sorceress you can meet if you destroy all targets in Nort part 3 level 3/sh1hr0.

* Guest appearance: Anna Fresser from Dreadhunter (By HemoGlobinWorld); You’ll find her in a new area added to MassagLevel2/mcshry where you press a valve to lower the water to reach a room with health.

I also did a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff for later updates, like art for future characters.

[ofmermaidstories]

Your writing is always so beautiful and interesting to read. I was wondering how is your outline process? Is there a specific way you work on your wips or you just write everything down and then mercilessly trim it down?

Hello!!! You’re kind to say. 💕 I outline! It’s the only way I can work, otherwise I lose interest and flit off somewhere else. 🥲 Everything I’ve posted to AO3 has had an extensive, meticulously detailed outline behind it that most times takes me ages to do. 💀 In a lot of ways I consider them first drafts!

But basically what’ll happen is I’ll get an idea and then make a lil notes doc for it and just throw down any and all scenes/lines/ideas I have, and from there I’ll sit down with it properly and make a bullet-list outline, and then refine it a second time (getting rid of initial ideas that might not work, strengthening other ones, etc etc). The third outline (and the one I consider a first draft to the final fic) gets written out in a proper worddoc; these outlines will take me the longest!!

Because I spend so much time on them, by the time I’m properly writing I don’t really trim anything out—because it’s already been done, in the planning stages! (i could probably edit…. more…….. but….. don’t wanna 😭)

I know this sounds like a lot of work, and it is, but the thing that matters here is that I enjoy it. I enjoy taking my time with these stories and piecing them together like this, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and more importantly having the outlines there remind me why I’m doing this, when I’m stuck halfway through and hate writing and hate everything, LOL. Like with the Deku fic—the one thing that propels me forward is knowing how much satisfaction the ending for it gives me, and wanting that realised, in ink (or pixels ig LOL).

[mondscheinprinzessin]

⭐ For any part you like to talk about (preferably from your Soulmate AU☀️🌕🌟)💖

I never can decide on anything, or even a specific part, so let me just ramble a bit about it^^

For starters, this was my first soulmate project ever, and while I am not the biggest fan of the trope (it can be so cliche if done without proper inspiration), I got reminded of a fic I read in another fandom, and oh the drama and hurt, I just couldn't resist putting my favs though it as well.

It was also the first fic where I included my now favourite OT3 ship (apart from a short febuwhump prompt). So many firsts!

I think for this AU I did the most planning I ever did for a fic, meaning chapter outlines, what exactly I want to include, I had a big doc of inpsiration of dialogue and scenes etc. But even though I did that a lot changed thoughout the story, sometimes I just went with the flow, for example in chapter 8 where Aleksi has this big blowout with Joel and Joonas, and it's all a big misunderstanding.

With the argument I only knew the start and and the end, but between that it was complete spontaneity, with what would sound natural, what would make sense, and how for Aleksi, and for Joel and Joonas this is a complete different situation, they are playing two seperate parts here with different understandings and goals, and I really wanted it to be frustrating for a the reader, because at some point they will have to find together, right? But it didn't feel right for Aleksi's character at all to be so quick to fall into this.

Now even Joonas seemed to lose his patience and ran both his hands over his face. “No, that’s not how it is at all. We really like you and not just as a casual hook -”

(All they want is a chance, but there's not breaking through at this point of the story, it's too early)

“I’m not stupid, okay?!” Aleksi yelled at them. His hands fell from his arms and tightened into fists. “I’ve seen your mark, I know you’re waiting for someone else, so don’t pretend I’m so important to you when I’m not.” 

(At least Aleksi has grown over the time enough to stand up for himself now, I doubt it would have been the same in school)

This is why in chapter 9, I first had to establish a curve of his character that made sense for Aleksi to finally allow himself to trust, and boy was that difficult. I love love love leaning into character's feelings and thoughts, as difficult as it is sometimes, but I have to admit I'm really proud on how this one turned out.

And yet when it comes to the scene of Aleksi inviting Joel and Joonas in, I couldn't give it the happy ending yet. There was still a point of pessimism, the hint that Aleksi will get hurt, because after years and years of pain it didn't make sense for me to make a fairy tail ending out of this so quickly. And I had to span the character arc a little longer (and I really hope it wasn't too much at this point).

"Because let’s be real, he was far from perfect, and he knew that best out of all people. How long could it take them to realize that too? Obviously they had this picture of him in their heads that they were chasing and once they had him they would be disappointed."

"But no, they had betrayed and hurt him, who was to say Joel and Joonas couldn’t do that too despite saying they liked him? At the latest when they found their soulmate and let go of Aleksi."

But I think in the end it was worth it. This part of the fic really was hard work for me, and Aleksi's character ran away from me and my plans (ryyyd😄), but it was also very much fun to write it.

[slashmagpie]

How long do you spend planning/world building for fics? If I should be more specific, how long did you plan the lore and mechanics that feature in Lifeline au before you wrote it? I mean it’s technically based on a video game but still

Okay so actually my answer for fics in general and my answer for LLAU is different! Normally before I sit down to write a fic I will figure out enough of what's going on to write a page of bullet points of lore/worldbuilding, work out the magic system, and draft an outline. I'm the sort of writer who, even when I have an outline, will inevitably drift from that outline and add a bunch of new subplots and worldbuilding elements as I go to flesh out the story more, and I'm familiar enough now with my process to account for that and roll with it.

For example: screenshots from my planning doc for TFatBatG, the fic I wrote before LLAU.

^ Here you can see me workshopping the premise and beginning to flesh out the character arcs, using points from canon to bounce off of. Some of this stuff didn't even make it into the final fic!

^ Parts of my actual chapter-by-chapter outline. As you can see, it's a lot more detailed at the beginning then it is towards the end, and if you've read the fic, you'll notice that there are several subplots that occur during these chapters which aren't even mentioned here. Those are things that I came up with on the fly. Things tend to stray for me more in later chapters than earlier ones, because things just tend to develop organically as I'm writing, and then need to be resolved later.

LLAU, however, is a little different, in that I originally started writing it as a fun chill burn-out project. You see, I'd just finished writing TFatBatG, which was the first longfic I'd ever finished, the first thing I'd written to pass 100k, and also written during a 14 week period in which I finished my masters and started working a full-time job, so as you can imagine. I was feeling pretty burnt out by the end of it. But I also then had a lot of free time open up (started working night shifts), and I needed something to do with that time. I had a bunch of other ideas that I wanted to write (and still want to write!) but trying to start any of them was really difficult for me. I just wanted something fun and easy and chill to work on when I felt like it to try and get me through that burn-out period and back to actually writing.

And then one night on discord we were making moon's haunted jokes, and I went "haha Hermitcraft Lifeline AU" (because Lifeline is a moon's haunted-ass piece of media), and then I went ".....hang on. Hermitcraft Lifeline AU,"

I picked my main characters, wrote up the summaries for EO, MB, and LB, redownloaded the game to play through it, and then wrote and published the first chapter the very next day.

And people liked it! And I liked it! And then I had a 10-day busy period between Empty Oceans chapter one and two where I couldn't write, and I spent some of that time plotting out what I wanted to do with the series and where I wanted to take it. (Shoutout to @/lunarblazes for bouncing ideas around with me!) This planning period was when I decided that Bdubs would be the time monk guy as well as the captain guy, and that Impulse was the Queen, and I figured out the basics of the magic system, but the picture of the series I had in my head at that time was still very limited.

I don't have a proper outline for LLAU: my planning document complains the fic summary, character lists, and bulletpoints taken from the Lifeline wiki. For EO and MB I was using the games themselves as an outline, since they follow the plots pretty closely, and the only fic that had a chapter-by-chapter outline was AfaM (which I didn't even know I was going to write when I started EO; I decided that I was going to write it somewhere towards the end of working on MB). LB has a general outline but it's definitely not comprehensive and has changed a lot since I wrote it (I don't even open the doc when I work on the fic anymore.)

^ The LB outline, up until the point that we've reached now. You might notice that False is not mentioned once here. That's because I didn't realise I wanted her to be part of the story until I was halfway through AfaM.

^ Some of the notes that I took from the Lifeline Wiki, which are basically all the notes I have explaining the magic system, some of which I didn't even use. (And some bonus stuff about PWG which was the basis for Impulse's backstory.)

So yeah: while I had some stuff planned from the very beginning, a lot of the specific details didn't work themselves out until much later in the process. Since LLAU is based on a discontinued game series, I basically came into it with pieces of a puzzle, and I had to figure out how to make them work together; the facade was there and I had to create the inner workings. So whilst I've always had the vague "this is what the magic system can do and this is how it works," a lot of it wasn't set in stone until... I wanna say when I was working on AfaM? That was when I worked out the specifics of time travel and also "time = space = sentience."

So yeah! I do do a lot of planning, but most of that is in the form of me daydreaming on the bus and yelling incoherent ideas in my friend Doc's dms (you may know her as doctortrekkie of Still the Echoes Give Us Light). I have a vague general outline in my head (this will happen, then this, then this), and chapter-wise I tend to have the next 1-5 chapters planned out, but I give myself a lot of room to work things out organically. (Also currently I'm doing a lot of planning/brainstorming for the endgame climax of the fic, so I can begin setting up my dominoes to knock down now that the Impulse reveal is out of the way.) This is definitely not the way I normally write (I prefer having more structure/plan than this), but the fact that this was a fun impromptu project that took over my brain in a way that I wasn't expecting has allowed me to be a lot more fast and loose with it, lol.

It does also mean that some of the stuff that cropped up in EO and even MB is what I would consider some Early Installment Weirdness, and if I was writing it now I would definitely do it differently, but I'm very happy to be transparent about that kinda stuff when people ask. I'm not gonna pretend I'm a genius and that this was some kind of expertly crafted long con plot from the very beginning. I'm figuring things out as I go and having a blast with it.

Sorry for the long ramble! I love talking about the writing process, and LLAU has been unorthodox even for me, so it was really fun to break it down. This is, I think, the creative project I have enjoyed working on the most in my life, and it's taught me a lot of things that I will definitely be taking away with me for the future.

But tl;dr to answer your question: I did very little prior planning and the entire writing process has also been a continuous planning process that isn't over yet.

[seyaryminamoto]

An ask about how you plotted Gladiator raised a good question. How do you keep track of it all? If you write notes, how do you organize them? How many Word files do you have? Or do you use another software?

Well... I can certainly say I've never needed as much backup material to keep up with a story as I have with this one, for obvious reasons X'D

Okay, I had a simple bullet-points list at first, probably started it around the time I was writing either arc 2 or finishing arc 1? At that point, keeping track of what I wanted to happen next wasn't so hard. But I turned this into what you could call a wishlist, haha, of ideas that I wanted to implement in the future, so I dumped those ideas there. Little by little I started articulating, organizing them, and that's kind of how Part 1's structure came to be. Whatever new idea I'd get, I'd add it to the bullet points list. Once I crafted the bulk of the story's outline for the first time, it was initially written there. As of this day... that particular document, which I don't rely on as much anymore, amounts to 3K words, 8 pages worth of very rough, very basic plotting.

But then more complicated arcs started happening. Stuff I REALLY needed to work out in proper detail because I wasn't sure I would be able to just remember whatever I wanted to do. Sometimes inspiration strikes like lighting: hits once and then it's gone and you're just left ambling about, half-blind, unsure of what the hell is going on :'D so I started writing similar bullet points lists that were more detailed structure for the more difficult arcs to plot. Pairs Tournament arc, I think, was the first one to receive this treatment. Fire Lord for a Week arc in Part 2 also had to be handled this way, same as the final arc of Part 2, and the Race, particularly since that one required extra choreographing on my part to get it right. In Part 3, I did this with the Taking Omashu arc as well. There are a few more bullet-point lists about some really important things that will matter in the future... but I can't talk about those yet :'D

Now then, past this: I have the a huge Excel document where I tried to keep track of the disaster ranking of the Superior Gladiator League. As much as Part 3 has been so difficult... not having to update the ranking is so goddamn nice about it :') This document had the ranking itself, the names + locations of all Superior League Arenas, the brackets for every Pairs Tournament we saw, it's also where I kept track of the Race's points... and there's also a very poorly crafted timeline in this document where I tried (and kind of failed) to figure out how many years had passed in the story and how old each character would be :'D as you might be able to tell, this particular document is... a mess. Big mess. I do not recommend looking at it. The timeline in particular is just completely irrelevant tbh...

Because I made a NEW timeline doc that keeps track of... everything. Kind of. Mostly? :'D

The new timeline doc was necessary and I honestly should have had it around from the start, but I spent AGES putting that one off because I have no sense :'D I think I started it in Part 2, REALLY late, as in, when Wan Shi Tong was writing down what Azula would say about her family. Then, Part 3 made this doc a much bigger necessity because I REALLY needed to keep track of... the obvious :') as in, Azula's pregnancy. Real pregnancies are tracked on a weekly basis. Hence... I had to start planning, plotting and strategizing my story by keeping in mind where, exactly, we would be in terms of Azula's pregnancy, CONSTANTLY. That sure switched up things for me :'D forced me to be a lot more organized than I usually want to be because wild freedom is kinda nice sometimes... but I couldn't keep doing that anymore. So! This timeline doc starts with the birth of Fire Lord Hizuo in the year -49, and it goes all the way to the events of year... 121! :'D I broke down the story events of each year in this doc, so if you want a bit of a rundown of what we've seen so far...

Year 104: Chapters 1 and 2

Year 106: Chapter 3 to approximately chapter 46

Year 107: Chapter 47 to chapter 114 (yeeeeah a lot of things happened that year :'D

Year 108: Chapter 115 to chapter 164

Year 109: Chapter 165 to chapter 200 (note that there was a preeetty big time skip of around 6 months between Hahn's Gambit arc and The Mad Alchemist arc).

Year 110: Chapter 201 to chapter 328 (okay now THIS was an eventful year, holy shit :'D and naturally it's the one I'm posting right now...)

Year 111: Chapter 329 to... ??? Still not done with the events of that year :'D so I dunno how many chapters it's going to be!

Things really changed since I started keeping track of events by month, even by weeks. I've tried to keep doing that since, even beyond writing Azula's pregnancy. It's a little annoying to be so thorough and to panic over miscalculating dates and such, but at the same time I think I feel more secure in my own crazy story this way.

Ah, and there we go. That's Gladiator's plotting documents, every single one of...

...

...

...

Yeah okay, that's not true.

Look. Sometimes you REALLY need to be thorough. Some things require WAY too much finesse. Sometimes you're telling two stories simultaneously. Sometimes you're telling THREE. Sometimes it's even MORE than that because you have flashbacks and multiple POVs of events in a battlefield. Sometimes you have to write huge battles between armies and you need to keep track of wtf you're doing. Sometimes you have to articulate events to make sure they match each other timeline-wise!

... At those times, you make a big document with a huge table, split in three columns.

Column 1 is the arc's name. Column 2 is Sokka's side of the story. Column 3 is Azula's side of the story.

... And sometimes that document ends up becoming as long as 122 pages.

Yeah, uh, the document carrying the highly sensitive plans, detailing every single arc of Part 3 and how they work, how they connect, how long they'll be, what will happen in each of them (as well as which elements happened in which chapter, some of which ends up getting switched up, back and forth, depending on whether my writing lined up with the reality of my plotting or not...) is genuinely, uh... 122 pages long. 45K words. By my standards, that's about the length of 3 Gladiator chapters :'D

I had to be really thorough in that document. I was lost in regards of how I'd handle Part 3 for some time. Even if I had some ideas for it already, Sokka's side of the story used to be muuuuch clearer than Azula's. Once Rei showed up, plotting for Azula's side became soooo much easier to do... but the point is, Part 3 has been the most challenging aspect of plotting this story by far. I'm flexible enough with my plans, some things don't work or would work better at other times, and I simply adapt to it. But this document was 100% necessary to make sure I wouldn't get lost in the chaos of Part 3... so there it is :'D

Additional to this: I keep a version of Bill Mudron's ATLA map on direct access for easy reference whenever I want to make sure I'm not committing geographical crimes by making characters travel too fast, or to places that aren't even close to each other :'D it has been a huge element in my plotting and ensured I don't ATLA finale ANYTHING in the story since its earliest days. I also had to acquire a strange little resource, an educational app about space that features a projection/simulation of timezones! And that's how I've been keeping track of whether it's daytime or nighttime in Sokka or Azula's story, particularly useful whenever they connect to each other spiritually since it's very often nighttime for one and daytime for the other and these events should be happening simultaneously :'D

Oof, well. That's all I can think of atm to answer this question. There are always a lot of references you need as a writer, lots of places to keep track of your research, of your worldbuilding... it's chaotic but once you find a method to your madness, it can be fun, even! :D it still blows me away a little that my big full plotting document is 122 pages long, but it's been an undeniably useful asset all across these years.

So, in total, counting only my documents... I have about 10 different Word documents, 1 Excel spreadsheet with multiple sheets, probably around 8 different ones, 1 map, 1 cosmos education app. Making it around 13 resources to keep track of what I'm doing in this huge chaotic story :'D

... 11, come to think of it. I have one hilarious document that's basically me arguing with myself over some big plot changes I did to Part 3 as a whole when I started writing the first spiritual connection and it became EXTREMELY obvious that Azula wasn't letting Sokka go without telling him she was pregnant :'D yep, that wasn't part of the OG plan because I, as usual, underestimated my girl. By the time I got there she was like "I'm going to do it and you can't stop me with your PLOT" and I had to go back to the drawing board for a LOT of rearranging the plot, to figure out how it would work, what to do with it... document is literally called "BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE.doc" simply because I was terrified that change would alter the plotted story way more than I could handle. After my bickering with myself in that doc, it all started making a little more sense :'D

Alright, I think that's that XD

[yerbamansa]

Ohhhh my god, so I wrote a novel-length fic over the last five months and I just…need to write down some Thoughts on that, because it hadn’t happened before and I have no idea if it will again, just seemed worthwhile to collect myself a bit. To be clear: I’m…really proud of myself?? Who knew I had it in me! And I think it’s a fun read! I learned a lot! More under a cut if you care to read my ramblings.

The gdoc containing my initial outline of ideas was created on October 29, 2022. I shared it with the group chat from whence the idea came, because I was planning to participate in a daily prompt challenge in November so I wasn’t going to have time for it yet. By late November, quite a bit of work was happening in the doc—a proper outline with a three-act structure I borrowed from various writing tips websites and then wandered off on my own with. I’ve never written something this structured and long before, so I searched for some structure tips.

I found a few different forms (a 9-block, 27-chapter structure; a three-act checklist) that I ended up using almost like a self-survey/brainstorm. A couple passes through that, plus trying to work it out as a character/timeline spreadsheet, gave the whole thing a much clearer shape. I knew I wanted to alternate between Ed’s and Stede’s POVs, but not limit it to theirs. Early on I decided that Oluwande would be a third POV character because (a) I love writing him and (b) the crew’s perspective is REALLY IMPORTANT. Then, because I used Lucius as an outsider, he became the fourth POV, introduced at the beginning of act 2.

[ID: A bar chart showing word count by POV character. Ed has over 34,000 words, Stede about 26,000 words, Oluwande 13,000 words, and Lucius a little under 10,000 words. End ID.]

But it’s not like I had it 100% perfectly mapped out at a chapter level, nor did I know exactly what details would…emerge. Like, I knew the shape of the details, but I kind of worked them out as I got to know this version of the characters better. The outlining process was kind of my draft: I went through it to get to the point that I could sit down and outline each chapter (or two ahead, in some cases) and then write it.

Very few things were written out of order, but the scene where they’re trapped in the storage closet was written well before I finished chapter 1. And I thought it would happen later than it did. I really thought I was gonna enemies-to-lovers these guys! 😂

There were a TON of details/potential plotlines I thought about including, but ultimately decided not to, either because it was totally out of my lane to do it justice (ex.: literally anything to do with Ed’s heritage and food—I read up some and whew, it’d have to be its own story, and not really mine to tell) and/or because it would’ve overcomplicated/distracted from the plot as it unfolded. There was a whole thing where Stede was meant to pull a Christopher Kimball thing and screw over the magazine by starting a rival publication and, you know what, there was more than enough drama to mine from just the Bon Appetit Test Kitchen debacle(s).

The idea came from a group chat, and the same group chat was instrumental in helping me flesh out a bunch of character details. That was fun. That’s also where my main beta reader came from. It’s funny, I’ve written on and off pretty much my whole life, but rarely had an editor like this. It was very collaborative and challenging in the best possible ways, I think; especially with something this long, it really helped to have someone who knew some of what was in my head but wasn’t nose-deep in it.

While it hasn’t been a runaway hit or anything, it’s had by far more eyeballs than anything else I’ve written in this fandom. Definitely a lot more comments than anything else, which is fun. Some folks I really admire have said kind things and if that didn’t make me all 😊 well. (It did, though.) It was because of those commenters that I got a sense of how it was coming off—that it was, and could be, fun and frothy and still touch on subjects that were difficult (labor rights etc.) without making light of them. At least, that’s what I hope I pulled off in the end.

There were so many random little side routes and ideas that came up while thinking about and writing this that I really had to make a series. For the one-shots. For fuck’s sake, I put too much into building out this little world and this version of each character not to.

And if one of those ends up being some kind of E-rated fic involving Mary and Evelyn, like, posing for Doug with fresh fruit still-life and it turning into A Whole Thing, so be it. (It didn’t make the story text, but Mary and Evelyn are married and Doug is Mary’s guy who lives in the guest house out back. Also they make cooking YouTube videos together as a trio. There will probably be one-shots about them because Evelyn was too much fun to write.)

[maylilithreign]

Hey, random question for ya! How do you go about planning for a fic? I have a million ideas for a multi-chapter fic but just cant get all these ideas into a coherent story. Whats your process like? How do you get past indecision? LOVE your Shane fics btw!!

Ohhhh, nonny. If you could see my Google docs folder and the inside of my head you'd know what a bad planner I am. I don't make proper outlines 😭 and some of my stories kinda write themselves and pull me around instead of vice versa.

That being said, I do do some things when preparing for a new story. This advice is really only for my longfics because my oneshots aren't even this mapped out. When starting a new longfic, I:

- Write out a list of characters. Their attributes, their relationships with each other, how they affect/are affected by the plot, etc.

- Write a very broad outline in paragraph or point form. I'm talking big picture here, not the fine details.

- As I write, I have a doc that has my plot details I want to hit along the storyline. I have them broken down into: "this is happening in the chapter you are currently writing," "this will happen in the next chapter," and "this needs to happen at some point," sections. This gets revised a LOT, because like I said I write in a very "stream of consciousness" way. I'm a "pantser," generally, and not a "plotter."

- Make a playlist! Make mood boards, and immerse yourself in your little world. This is the best part of the creative process aside from the actual writing, IMO.

I'm honoured you'd ask me—a hot mess of a writer—for advice 👉🏻👈🏻 and thank you so much for enjoying my Shane fic 😭🥰🥰🥰

[snickerdoodlles]

25, 42, and 75 for the writer asks? :)

:D! ❤❤

25. What’s your favorite part of the writing process (worldbuilding, brainstorming/outlining, writing, editing, etc)?

crying in friend DMs where the story exists without me having to write it 😂

real answer tho, it's kinda hard for me to distinguish the different stages? all of them are very intermingled-- research or worldbuilding only happens via questions for me, which will happen when i watch a show, talk to friends, hit a bump or hole in the story, etc (...aka, i'm always doing these lol, i'm never not making worlds in my head or trying to learn more about the one i live in). usually when i write, i often start in a notebook or notes app, then either type or retype it into google docs, so a lot of my digital files are already the second draft.

if i absolutely had to pin one favorite part of the writing process, it's probably that second draft stage of the story-- the really bad mess of words is already out of me for me to shape/trim/edit/whatever into a proper story, and that's when it really comes alive for me ❤

42. What’s your favorite title that you’ve come up with?

none of them, im still traumatized from having to come up with them in the first place

i'm really struggling to pick, so i'm just gonna cheat lol. i really like when a series has a really good theme around the title names. it's what really ties stuff together for me. like, i know the titles i have for idiots & idioms series are all a little ridiculous and it kinda happened on a whim, but i like how each title ties into its story and idiom based titles just fits really well to me for a slice-of-life series. and for similar reasons, i'm still pleased as punch over how well Hair-Trigger fits into the title theme for tortoise's checkmate series but also spins off Trigger Creep specifically.

also! big fan of titles that are short with multiple meanings/implications that fit with the story in those ways-- described that badly, but titles like Pitch It (camping, pitching ideas, pitching plans) or Sucker (sucker of the joke, hickies). they are always clever to me and i like feeling clever XD

75. Is there a particular fic that readers gravitated towards that you didn’t expect?

hmm!!!! on a level, all of them, i never know what's gonna hit for others. but probably Only Real is Real was the most surprising. it was just a brainworm i couldn't get out of my head and i'd only written the first chapter of it because i didn't think anyone else was going to read it much less want more jhngjghjg.

.

fic writing asks for more rambles :D

[sinisterexaggerator]

Do I obliterate your ask by sending all these or — Ah, what the heck. You're one of my favorite writers. Might as well go big or go home LOL!

3 4 5 10 13 16 22 28 29 32 38 39

Oh shit, OK.

3. Writing ritual. I do not have one.

4. I answered this one earlier.

5. I also do not have any writing superstitions.

10. Hm, has a piece of writing haunted me? Not really. I mean, I am moved in the moment by stuff, but my ADHD brain probably forgets over time, no matter how amazing it was. As far as my own writing haunting me, sure. My unfinished WIPs are screaming at me to finish. LOL.

13. A difficult subject matter to write about. Hmm. Probably my own personal history and past, but I don't plan to write a memoir or anything. Something that is easy appears to be angst and smut. I am good at creating drama and situations, and pretty decent at the sexy stuff too, I think.

16. Weirdest thing I have ever used as a bookmark: Idk, a lighter maybe? But only temporarily.

22. How organized am I with my writing? Not too organized. Bare minimum so I don't drive myself crazy. I used to have all my writing all over my desktop taking up space, word docs half finished, all in little rows. Then I made a couple of folders. Now I have a folder for all my multiple-chapter fics that contain the document itself with the writing in it, and anything I have bothered to write or create in relation to that work. Another I have for headcanons, one for finished fics, and one for WIPs and to-dos, and even misc things, like lists of names for OCs I kind of like that I've never used. Of course *THE FIC* of the hour is loose on the desktop and I can stare at the little icon until I am persuaded to open it. I back-up everything on a cloud, but when it comes to writing itself I've only made an outline ONE TIME and it's because it's my "Magnum Opus" and basically an entire series unto itself, so it needs a lot of planning and I have a LOT of thoughts about it. As far as tools, I just use Microsoft Word and notepad for notes. Idk, I am a basic bitch. ;D

28. Most delightful character I have ever written for? Hmm. Probably Shriv Suurgav, just because he is husband material and a good boy all around.

29. I draw my inspiration from canon but then my own brain I guess, and sometimes discussions with friends that I suddenly very much need to elaborate on because it's just too good to pass up. My ADHD is good in a way because my brain is constantly jumping from scenario to scenario and "what ifs" and it makes it so I have toooooo many ideas and not enough time to write them all. I like to browse Wookieepedia too and see what's there in regards to canon/legends and then take that and let it inspire me. Give me two lines about an insignificant man in a Star Wars RPG and I can make him into an OC. That's what happened with Kayson from Stars Above. And even one of the guys in the sabacc scene. He was a real weapon's shop owner in Tatooine as listed on a roleplaying game but that was all the info. I made the rest up. ;D

32. Answered this one already, too.

38. I am a perfectionist to the point every minor fucking detail must line up and make sense or I will not be happy. Like, later on if I find out something in canon contradicts something I wrote I will be LEGIT MAD to the point I'd be tempted to change it. LOL. I also hate when canon CONTRADICTS ITSELF. I research the hell out of stuff to make sure the timeline matches up, to practice proper characterization, to know the specific name of an object within the Star Wars universe, and I must, MUST describe things in explicit detail and paint a picture or I just don't want to do it. I can't just write smut usually, for instance. THERE HAS TO BE A SET UP! It has. to. make. sense. And yeah, that part is fun for me.

39. What keeps me writing is the fact I have fun with it, and people like you who talk me up! Feedback goes a long way. If others enjoy it, I enjoy that I made them happy in some capacity, if only for a few moments. If no one cared, I would probably think it's not worth it and my writing must be shit, haha.

[call-jupiter]

committing myself to attempting a chapter in the form of a true-crime doc for The Sycamore Tree lmfao should be fun but we’ll have to see how it goes. I like challenging myself and trying my hand at a variety of writing styles and this fic being my first rookie fic AND being as long and as… involved… as it is makes it a good sandbox for some experimentation. might scrap it if it pisses me off but the attempt will be made. I already know exactly what ground it’s gonna cover and everything so I’m looking forward to putting those chapters in proper writing (not just an outline) so I can really get to work on this one knowing fully how the relevant chapters before it panned out. it’s planned and all but I need to actually finish the chapters first bc I’m not… always great at following my own outlines. lol.

since I’ve been trying to flesh it out with subplots and side action and new characters and bottle chapters and things my outline has come out feeling structured very much like a season of television. so I thought it’d be cool to try and take one of the show’s unique episode formats and incorporate it in. turning Sycamore into something of like a… what-if for s5 on the whole rather than just a canon divergence that happens to start in s5? like I want it to be Large Scale. if my readers and I are committing to 40 chapters that range from 7-10k words each, I might as well use that space to its full potential.

I’m rambling. but what y’all are gonna learn about me the more and more active I get in the fanfic scene for this show is that there’s nothing I love more than using my socmed platforms to pontificate my little fic ideas instead of making private notes. do it on my twt all the time for bbc merlin bc that’s the place I promo those works. tumblr’s become a bit of a home base for my rookie content (which is just Sycamore rn but hopefully more in the future since I’m enjoying creating this one so much). that means these random little musings about potential fics or directions for those wips are mostly gonna land here. feel free to ignore them. or, hell, if I post some off-hand concept that you like go ahead and lift it for your own works. I think that’s why I like making notes this way tbh bc then if an idea is dead-on-arrival for me it could theoretically find life in the hands of another writer who came across it. like paying it forward or whatever but in fic prompts. inspiring myself and hopefully other writers in the process—since I know coming up w an idea is half the battle. might be a bit presumptuous but it’s like if I do it this way maybe I can make that part a bit easier on my future self or on someone else. idk.

anyway. love y’all a lot. like a lot a lot. the support is still mind-blowing to me. I don’t think I’ll ever quite wrap my head around it. very surreal. so hopefully you can bear w me and my aimless posts like this and my writing experiments that may or may not succeed. I’m so proud of this work so far but it’s such new territory for me and it really feels like it’s asking a lot of the audience to stick w it since it’s… so much. like I want the diversions from the main arc to feel natural and engaging. it’s difficult tho bc I’m not a professional or whatever. I’m not even someone w an english/writing/literature background or something. I’m just a pharmacology student writing some silly little fanfiction in my spare time.

what I mean to say is that I’m trying my damnedest to make it worth your time to read it all. even the parts that aren’t chenford or aren’t connected to the main plot. like they’re there bc I feel like it adds to the experience not bc I’m trying to pad the length. and ik that in my mind but sometimes I see the current word count or my projections for the final word count based on the average of the finished chapters and I question how it comes off. like I worry a bit that adding stuff like that could seem superfluous even tho it’s not my intention. I don’t want Sycamore to be long for the sake of being long. I want it to be long so it can feel like a whole universe. like a highly fictionalized thing still grounded somewhat in reality. not just a one-track story to get characters straight from point A to point B. you know?

idk what I’m saying anymore but. it all makes sense in my head. I just have so many thoughts about this work and I’m also just so excited to write it and publish it and let you see it but it’s very slow-going bc I want it to be as good as possible.

anyway. weird little draft note thing over. there was a point to this somewhere but I definitely lost it midway. lmfao. this is what happens when I forget to take my adhd meds and can’t focus enough to actually write but still want to feel like I’m making progress. whoops.

[sleeptowns]

first love, late spring: the autopsy report

some postmortem thoughts on conceptualizing, writing and editing the first half of my favourite project so far, partly for my own relationship with the "craft" and mostly bc writing this like a blu-ray bonus commentary was immense fun.

・・・・・・

in retrospect, it’s always a bit of a miracle every time i finish a fic.

it might not feel like it for a lot of them, but considering i’m a [spins wheel] kind of person in so many aspects, from writing to travelling to cooking, i sure have a lot of audacity falling headfirst into stories knowing full well that i don’t have a single clue where it will go until it’s all finished. i was very lucky with my 20-50k fics, especially since one of them was a dual narrative/parallel pov situation or whatever yours, mine, ours was. i was probably even luckier with the 70-80k ones, seeing as i was a broke college student in a new city acting like i can do something like a 27-year-old end-of-career actor justice. but to write 113k words’ worth of so many things i’ve never done before, with the same messy method of figuring it out as i go along — i don’t even know how that happened.

as it stands, i have neither a planning doc to look back on and unpack nor even a vague outline that i probably wouldn’t have listened to anyway. and that was all well and fine before; i’ve made peace with not having the kind of mind that knows to conceptualize arcs and secondary plotlines before i even write the thing. i know i work best when i let the characters do the heavy lifting for me as i’m writing: they tell me where something needs to go next, i listen, and if i listen long and hard enough, the one scene i initially wanted to write as a standalone becomes a much longer monster because it felt wrong for it to be anything else. and the kind of story that could not have possibly been anything but what it ended up as? that’s the writing i love best. it works out.

i am, however, trying to be a more mindful writer-person this year, and while there’s very little to be mindful about when the entire process has been seemingly mindless, it doesn’t mean i can’t at least try to look at this complete jigsaw puzzle i’ve ended up with by moving my eyes from one piece to another. will that tell me how i realized that so-and-so piece belonged in this spot? no. but will it inform what to look for in the angles and edges of a lone puzzle piece the next time i try to build a puzzle? i don’t know for sure, but it might, and possibility is a very hefty thing to have when you’re writing.

which, honestly, i’m only saying because i read matthew salesses saying a few months ago that “to become a better writer is to make conscious what may start out as unconscious.” and since it shook the very foundations of my self-pitying “i don’t feel comfortable claiming i’m a proper writer because everything i do is unconscious and i’m just fooling everyone into thinking i know what i’m doing because i know for a fact i do Not” mindset — this is me trying my best to move beyond the parameters of my chaotic writing non-process and reflect on how first love, late spring came to be what it is.

that said, i started this as a genuine attempt at being writerly about flls but then i got very uncomfortable and, looking at the end result now, it’s really more like one of those director’s commentary things that they include in the blu-ray, complete with division into small multiple parts and the writing equivalent of outtakes.

but this was still fun! and probably more valuable than not in the long run! so! here’s to making the unconscious conscious!

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01 | ROOTS & SEEDLINGS

i’ve had time to think about it, and i blame three things for first love, late spring.

① jay, who had to listen to my sleep deprived self break off in the middle of a spiel about restorative justice so i can wonder out loud what megumi would be like in a polisci class — and who somehow decided 5am was a good time to pitch a fun little joke of a college au where nanami is a philosophy prof and mahito is his unbearable teacher’s assistant

② jjk chapter 132.5, which caught me at a point of almost-breaking in the middle of the shibuya arc and soothed what it can with basketball player yuuji & turtleneck-clad, coffee-drinking, definitely-shops-at-muji megumi.

③ dash & lily, a netflix limited series from which i retained nothing except the song stay by gracie abrams. it played maybe once in the entire show yet haunted me for days after, looping could you hold me without any talking could you hold me without any talking could you hold me without any talking like some spell incantation.

a spell incantation that did its job frightfully well, because by the end of that weekend, i was at a bus stop in -13° furiously typing scraps of a scene into my google keep so it stops rattling around emptily in my brain:

Itadori’s eyes are wide when he opens the door, as if he hadn’t actually believed Megumi would be coming over.

He looks tired. Not in the sleepless way.

He stares blankly at the paper bag that Megumi has tucked under his arm.

He opens his mouth, but Megumi announces, "I have bath bombs."

"What?"

"My sister brings them to my place. I never use them. Here—pick one."

then two other scraps:

"We’ll get in the bath, then sleep. Okay?"

"We? Are you staying the night?"

"When have I ever not stayed the night?"

"Right, you’re the only one who always does." Itadori sounds absentminded. “But I mean—we’re not—tonight—"

"Why does that matter?” says Megumi. "I can take the couch. I’m not leaving you alone like this, Itadori."

That feels too honest, but it’s the right thing to say.

[…]

“Fushiguro?”

Megumi’s half-asleep already, but he shifts, makes sure Itadori slots better against him. Closer, more secure. "What is it?” he says, but it’s mostly a hum under his breath.

“Thank you.”

as with every time this kind of haunting happens, i felt immediately better after having gotten fragments out of my system. but also as with every time i listen to the need to manifest one of these, it finds a new way to follow me around. who are these people? why is yuuji coming over? what happened? why is megumi giving me “i will” by mitski energy here? what is their relationship, if they seem close & comfortable enough for yuuji to come over like this but still with enough hesitation that they can’t possibly be in an established relationship yet?

so then i started thinking about a scene that might come after the bits i wrote, and because i had a stray thought about what yuuji & toji’s dynamic might be like while i was in line at the grocery store, this is what came out:

When Megumi leaves his room, he finds his father sitting at the dining table — with Itadori.

“What,” he says.

“I met your boyfriend at the grocery store.”

“How do you even know what he looks like—“

“Oh, Tsumiki sent me a photo.”

Itadori waves at the collection of half-opened bags on the counter. “We just came here to split the groceries! I would have made too much if I was home anyway, so—”

which just complicated my question of what yuuji & megumi are even supposed to be in this world that my brain keeps trying to feed me. not boyfriends, definitely, but there are feelings and tried-and-tested intimacy there. fake boyfriends? friends with benefits? both?

the final, final straw was — because why not — a video on my fyp. a student living in tokyo was doing a series on their favourite restaurants nearby, and one of them had beautiful footage of a place called ukai toriyama. i looked it up out of curiosity for more, became enamoured with all the photos and videos i found, and thought, wow, this place would be nice for a wedding reception.

and because one plus one plus one plus one plus one equals five, i cracked under the weight of all the little things rattling around in my head, decided to hell with it, and sat down in front of a doc.

1.1k words later, the first scene of first love, late spring was set in stone, and the world it belonged to had me in the tightest chokehold that a story seedling idea has had in years.

only i would argue that this story wouldn’t be what it became without flls!yuuji being who he is, and that had to come a bit later, long after megumi had established what kind of world we were at first. because before yuuji, before haibara, before the scene and chapter that i think would define the structure of flls and what their relationship ultimately became about, i had to first go a few weeks back in time and figure out what megumi’s deal was.

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02 | THE SWEATER AND THE CUP

the thing is, though, i wish i knew why i wrote chapter 2 like i did, but i just really, really don’t. by this point, i hadn’t written anything in two years except news articles & the occasional personal essay, and i’d argue you can see some of the rust peeking in while i try to hash out what on earth is going on in this quarter-realized au. i was lucky that megumi’s perspective felt very natural for introspection, so i had a lot of space for exposition that was, to be honest, more for my purposes than any reader’s. my main objectives were to figure out what would have to happen to lead to the two fragments i had written out, and since i think i like to write based on one detail first, i latched onto how cold my room was at the time and started imagining scenes that feel similarly cold. i typed up a scene in a classroom at the top of an old campus building. that didn’t work after i shuffled through what i remember about the university of tokyo from writing 2 a.m. and realized i can see megumi going there but not yuuji. then i tried a scene at a party, but that wasn’t cold or winter-y enough; it was too much to start on, sensory-wise, and i knew i didn’t want the heat and lights of a party to be part of the ~aesthetic of a christmastime fic.

with that in mind, then, i tried something simpler: a cold apartment, the characters in it just barely starting their morning. and after i latched onto that and followed it a little farther, my head came back to me with a kind of cold that’s not just cold because it’s winter in the story and the floorboards are unheated and the windows are frosted — but cold because the bodily warmth is reserved for the space between night and morning, and this scene must then be a moment beyond that space. with a few more minutes of typing and twirling a pen while i talk to myself, this became: megumi out of bed, standing cold and not fully dressed in the middle of the bedroom; yuuji still cocooned, warm and half-asleep, in the middle of the bed; sunlight streaming in, steady and warm on the sheets, shining fully into the room and onto the bed but not directly on either one of them.

looking back, this is i think the first mention of light in the fic, and probably the precursor for all other mentions i write later on, whether consciously or not. if i am to pull out something deeper out of the intuitive stuff, i’d say that i put the sunlight in to maybe signal to myself that the warmth was there between them, literally and figuratively, but they’re not seeing each other in the light yet. which changes later on, when megumi sees yuuji waiting outside the subway station in the ✨ glow ✨ of the sunset, and again further on, once more a little differently, under the streetlights. but for now, to be completely honest, i also think i just decided to start with a sunlit room because it’s the easiest indication of morning coziness, and therefore the easiest thing to subvert and break.

so. visualizing sunlight in a bedroom means visualizing the rest of the room, and the laziest way to do that is to start from what’s already a given: the sunlight, the blinds, the bed, the wall, and then the floor, none of which has anything interesting about them worth jumping off on for the next paragraph — unless there’s something missing. the thought process went, probably word for word, a little like: “let’s say something’s missing. that would explain why megumi’s standing half-dressed. something of his must be missing, then. why is it missing? maybe he left it in the living room. maybe it’s under the bed. or maybe yuuji has a dog. a cat? what would its name be — oh, wait. sukuna is a thing. i don’t know what to do about sukuna.” as such, cat sukuna was unceremoniously born, and suddenly, not only was megumi’s sweater missing, it was also torn to shreds. because cat sukuna.

now i got megumi out of the bedroom and i needed him to do something, and while there’s intimacy in preparing coffee/tea for himself and yuuji, sure, that won’t really give the scene momentum. but i figured i could reuse the same logic i did with the missing sweater and this time add something that’s there when it shouldn't have been. and having a cup in a literal cupboard isn’t the most creative or shocking thing, i know, but because it had to be shocking to megumi somehow for it to be worth including — it was. it was, because (and i’m still so sorry about using you like this, yuko) it was for someone else, because it was permanence and invitation that wasn’t for him, and what more useful emotional beat is there to end a chapter’s opening scene on except tension over something mundane that wouldn’t be tension over something mundane if only megumi’s thoughts & feelings didn't work a certain way.

and when you’ve got direction like that, the thoughts and feelings themselves can start to find a place in the structure of the story. introspection is my favourite to write because it flows once i’ve justified including it; it’s comfortable and free and nice, and it forms the backbone of characterization while at the same time indulging thoughts i’ve had about canon. i’m guilty about starting nearly all of my pre-flls fics with shameless character-centric introspection, but because this wasn’t the case with flls (and continued to not be, for reasons i’ll get to later), wherein everything i wrote at the start was in medias res, i had to hotwire that justification into existing within the actual scenes instead of leading to them. not having introspection in the beginning, before the actual story begins, means i’m still in the middle of a scene during all of these blocks of introspection, and it had to make space for action somewhere. we had to return to the story somehow.

except, this made me realize soon after, there’s no story yet. there’s no spark that would make the tension from the cup boil over and let the actual story find its foothold.

luckily, though — bless her and whatever photo-taking technique she had that we never even got to see in full swing before she was gone too soon — nanako happened.

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03 | THE GOJO-GETO HOUSEHOLD

before there was a single cemented thing in this universe — minus maybe mahito giving eyeroll-edgy kinda nihilistic advice, but even he had to become a newsletter writer somewhere down the line — there was the ginormous network of people that megumi, at times grudgingly and resignedly, calls family. i knew this was going to be an everyone lives au, because what kind of college au would it be otherwise (and yeah, this at first included yuuji’s grandfather), and i went into it knowing that if nothing else, i wanted to write yuuji interacting with toji + megumi interacting with nanako & mimiko. (because why not. where else would i get the chance to explore those dynamics.) for the first one, i already had a scene fragment; i just had to get there. but for the second, it meant indulging in the concept of stsg raising the girls & the fushiguro siblings together, whether or not they were in a romantic relationship in this universe, and if i wanted to preserve at least a bit of the canon stsg backstory, it meant conceptualizing all the complications that would have led to even the well-established family we see in flls.

this would later turn out for the best, because stsg’s pseudo backstory running quietly under the main story formed the foundation for how i’ll characterize yuuji & megumi and their relationship. not because of the parallels, though there are those, but because even in the idyllic surface of being the product of a family instead of loss, megumi will still carry the burden of the kind of love he didn’t receive. which is not the same thing as not receiving love and care. he got that. he knows he got that. but as i hope i made a point to say in flls, receiving love broadly is not the same as having the kind of love you specifically need. and i don’t think that’s a point i would have been able to make if stsg weren’t there — if gojo wasn’t there to serve as a catalyst for megumi’s first decision to stay stubbornly brave for yuuji in ch 4, and if geto wasn’t there, in ch 6, to gently but firmly tear megumi apart.

but before all that, i just wrote the beginning of flls wanting to see a megumi that grew up with three sisters instead of one. i wanted monthly catch-up dinners at a ridiculously expensive 6LDK house near the university of tokyo, full of ridiculously expensive shit. i wanted the loud, chaotic household that i felt they deserved in this au. i wanted to see remnants of the dynamics they would have had as teenagers, from megumi being the sulking youngest to nanako being domineering and tsumiki being reasonable and mimiko being the healthy middle between them. i wanted a weary but affectionate geto. i wanted gojo that no one really sees as a guardian in this set-up but is somehow the person to benefit the most from having people in this gigantic house that he probably never would have bought thinking it will help raise four kids.

and so i tried writing a scene where all these dynamics collided like two trapeze artists that you think would crash against each other but doesn’t because this is a well-practiced routine and they all know each other very well, not because they were family from the beginning but because they’ve had time to learn to be a family altogether. but again (this is starting to become a running thing in this post, note to self), as with any indulgent choice, i had to justify its existence in the story somehow, to give it a place in the forward momentum of the plot. and so nanako’s social media came into the fray, and more and more people started entering the room as she confronts megumi, and the energy heightens — and at the center of it all is yuuji and a dating misunderstanding, and somehow boom, there we go, we finally have what the cool kids call an inciting incident.

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04 | FAKE DATING, I GUESS

i’m not a fan of billing flls as a fake dating story. like, that has to be a scam, right? they fake-date for about half a chapter at best. i’m genuinely sorry it was so blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, but the fruits of the trope were too central to what the first four chapters became for me to take it out — so there you go. fake dating it was, for like the three days before yuuji caved and confessed his heart out.

but. okay. i’ve had time to think about why i actually kept it and didn’t just find another way to play with what fwb tropes offered, and i think fake dating was only insofar useful to the story in how it didn’t do anything for them. i’m learning recently that there’s merit in that, too. in making a point, that is, out of a point that a trope can’t make for me. or whatever. what i’m trying to say is that — fake dating doesn’t change anything about yuuji & megumi’s dynamic, really. they kiss, they’re friends, they go on not-dates. and a younger me would have restarted and taken fake dating out altogether since it’s not introducing something new, but ultimately, i guess i kept fake dating because it reinforces what yuuji & megumi already are. what they already do. the level of ease and comfort they already have with each other. all these things they haven’t been honest to themselves about quite yet. haven’t been honest about it all meaning more.

and that’s all the use fake dating was, to be honest: bringing them both to a point of necessary realization. megumi alone at first, with asking for all of yuuji, with realizing no, he doesn’t want a fake relationship, and essentially just continuing the emotional beat that the cup started for him and will take us to a point of no return at the end of chapter 4.

but then i reached the end of chapter 2 and found myself wondering about yuuji’s side of things, about what he’s thinking, why he’s saying yes. i never intended for his pov to be in this story, and maybe flls would have been a lot shorter if it wasn’t, but i finished chapter 2 and immediately started writing the bistro breakfast scene in the beginning of chapter 3 and found a yuuji who sees his feelings for megumi with more directness if not clarity, with more understanding for nobara pointing out that he and megumi are pretty much just in a relationship at this point — which, i’d argue, is the first sign of all the contributing factors to how their relationship goes wrong. because of course nobara is right, and her being right means all of this is a convoluted mess, except yuuji is at this point the equivalent of someone getting home tired from work and finding his phone charger knotted and more nest than cable, but he’s so exhausted, and the charger still does its job as long as you plug each end to an outlet and to a phone, so why would you spend energy/emotional capacity you don’t have to untangle something that works tangled?

and that was the turning point for flls, i think. i only wrote a scene on the side to warm up, to feel more comfortable about writing yuuji — but instead i was left with a yuuji who feels so much, who had all these reasons for sleeping around just waiting for me to sink my teeth into, who already has a crush & maybe more on megumi, and man... how do you not give him his own chapter after that?

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05 | 胸がはち切れそうで

what even was flls before chapter 3 was a thing. i think a lot about what it could have become if this chapter isn’t how it turned out to be, but with the way things ended up, it’s the point where the whole story shifted on its axis and became something i never intended it to be.

i vividly remember taking a break after finishing the first attempt at the bistro breakfast scene and going on youtube; one of the recommendations was the therapy scene from fleabag, which is just one of those pieces of screenwriting that you can’t help but admire for everything it does in so little time. you can’t say the same for the therapy scene in flls, but there remains that the fleabag scene was the foundation for it, and, consequently, for yuuji’s entire arc in flls.

i also think a lot about how my younger self would have written this therapy scene much later in the fic. as a resolution of sorts, a guidance towards a happy ending. the same way i know i would have written something really loving and sappy for geto’s speech at the wedding. as it is, we don’t hear the speech at all, and the therapy scene comes in yuuji’s first chapter. it’s how we’re introduced to him, because the first and only thing we know about him otherwise is that a) he has no family, according to gojo, and b) that, based on what we can gather from the breakfast, his life is a little bit stuffed full and he’s maybe not doing the best.

with yuuji, there was no luxury of the same introspection that megumi has. i’ll deal with it later, in the chapter 5 switch to second person, but right now, yuuji doesn’t so much examine as he does just feel. and instead of the therapy scene becoming a resolution scene, it became exposition instead, with haibara doing the more analytical characterization that megumi at least gave me the space to do from within his head. in yuuji’s case, it had to be teased out, said out loud, a push-and-pull that painted, for me, at least initially, the picture of a boy who’s trying so hard to transcend his childhood and yet is very much a product of it.

but first, i had to decide who would be the therapist in this scenario, and because fleabag already gave me the prompt of having a therapy voucher (i did not google if those actually existed), the question became about who would give yuuji one. and since the first clear answer was nanami, it easily became: who would nanami trust with yuuji the way gojo entrusted him with yuuji in the light novel? who would he have had that conversation with? to whom would he have said “there is a boy whose feelings i want to be careful about, and i know you can do it”? and though there were other contenders before this, the only real answer had been haibara.

the dialogue for this scene came easily, in that i had a point of reference. at the time, i was in twelve-week therapy for something a lot more specific and not at all related to yuuji’s situation, but i found myself paying attention to my therapist’s pattern of guiding our sessions — the kind of questions she asks, when she asks them, how she asks them. the things she says to preface certain thoughts, the clarifications she asks of me.

apply this to how i imagine haibara’s sunniness would have mellowed out if he’d had the chance to become the kind, empathetic adult i like to think he would have been, plus throw in some thoughts about yuuji’s grandfather telling him to die surrounded by people in canon, and i had the bare bones of a conversation. a lot of the prompts there were narratively situational: what happens to a kid who had to watch his only family member left die alone, and be left, as a young teen, to live his life by himself? what coping mechanisms would have had to come out of that, and how do i connect that to the ways we see canon yuuji wrestle with his own thoughts and convictions in canon? and how do i justify the presence of yuuji’s pov in the story now? how does it connect back to megumi’s established arc in the previous chapter? does it?

it did, in the lack that yuuji was a product of, looping back to the loneliness that i realized megumi thinks about at length in chapter 2. i also didn’t want fwb tropes to be there only for the sake of fwb tropes; it wasn’t something i felt comfortable doing, and i was worried about ending up being indulgent when i don’t mean to. so i started thinking about why someone like yuuji, with already so much on his plate, would take the time to spend his nights with so many different people? what is the end goal?

i just wasn’t expecting that goal to be something as simple as being held.

flls came out of that therapy scene a changed story. if we stayed with megumi’s pov, it would have maybe been a lightweight story with, at best, an undercurrent of loneliness at its core — which is all fine, too, but i’ve written loneliness / homesickness / lonesomeness in a handful of different shapes before, and if this had been the case, flls would have been an abandoned wip, never to see the light of day.

but the haibara scene turned flls into something i’ve never tried writing before not only in having dual perspectives on the same relationship, but for that relationship and its dynamic to be the defining core of the story. on a very simplistic sense, we had a boy who keeps his world small and finds order in it that way, and we had another whose order is found in the big-ness he wants to maintain. loneliness is there, sure, but in different ways and only as catalysts to how they love each other — because they do, already, by this point. it’s been love, for a while, and love was itching to be the main focal point of flls. love, love languages, what it means, what it entails, how it can soothe in its smallest form and also harm in its biggest. i didn’t know that yet, in chapter 3, won’t know it until i go back to chapter 1 and realize i hinted at conflict between yuuji and megumi, but i also already knew that i wanted flls to be a relationship > character fic if i was gonna go through with it. and i figured if that meant taking a different angle on the romance than i previously have, then all the better.

the final nail in the coffin was the end of chapter 3, where i was exhausted writing a 20k+ chapter and thinking, ��wow, it’s been such a long day, yuuji should have burst with something by now” — and then that became a serious thought, because it just hadn’t made sense, with canon yuuji’s tendency to blurt things out, for him to not react in some way to everything that’s happened that day. things have to come to a boil somehow, and for flls yuuji, that meant a confession.

a messy, unthought-out confession and easily the most fun & visceral of any i’ve ever written. up until flls, confessions were usually for the big, pre-climax moments after an entire story’s worth of romance, and for this reason, i’ve always kind of dreaded writing them. how do i make it fresh when we already know we want these people to be together? how do i make it a novel thing to hear, for the first time, that the person whose pov we didn’t get in the story feels the same way as the third-person narrator? maybe a “twist” moment like in 2 A.M. or the event in lie to make me like you?

but with yuuji in flls, it wasn’t going to be a surprise no matter what. we knew how he felt about megumi, we knew they would be together somehow prior to the wedding, whether on pretend terms or not, and i knew that the only reason this confession was going to be a thing is because yuuji’s had a long day and he’s done, so done, with not saying anything.

so we start small and specific, and we stay small and specific, with yuuji just realizing that love for him is wanting to hold someone and not just wanting to be held, that love is being home for another person instead of someone just being a second home for him on nights where his feels a little empty. in any other situation, the therapy scene would have prevented the pov character from confessing, from pursuing a relationship, but because it’s yuuji, his first instinct is to avoid the loneliness he felt briefly on the subway, when he realized he could just hide his feelings for megumi forever if he really wanted to, and so he blurts it all out. sweet (i hope), genuine and awkward. but also impulsive. rambling. unthinking.

in doing so, yuuji gave me a second inciting incident. one that feels more true to him. it’s equally reactionary as megumi responding to the screenshot situation, but there’s something to be said about how megumi was cornered by so many external elements into the spark that launches his arc in their relationship while yuuji blurts everything out from sheer urgency and exhaustion. which has roots in equally external factors, but the slight difference in their confessions will carry them through to the end — so, i suppose, from here on out in the story, we’ll always return to everything i unknowingly set up in chapter 3: the thoughts yuuji has in the breakfast scene, the truths pulled out of him in the therapy scene, the little things that come into play on the way to and at and after disneyland, and finally, what’s blurted out in the confession and how, why. the things they ask of each other, for each other. the things they want to do for each other.

(and it hurts my heart a little, i admit, to return to this chapter months later and see this same earnestness that will propel their story along, for better or for worse, and know it will have to end before they begin again.)

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06 | GOING BACK TO CHAPTER ONE

having cemented chapter 1 as a prologue of sorts, i had to go back to add yuuji’s perspective now that he, apparently, was going to have it in this fic. it felt safe to give him a scene with nanami in parallel to megumi’s with toji; it wasn’t my conscious intention to have these scenes end up being reflections of how they handle emotions as a result of what was maybe lacking in their childhoods, and it was just lucky that these two scenes will serve as a decent jumping off point for what i’ll decide to do when writing chapters 5 and 6.

looking back, too, the first scene stuck without a concrete plan because it had the bare parts of a full story: exposition with megumi’s family, a little hint at action with toji asking after yuuji, and, for reasons i can’t remember the root of now, also a show of conflict. i knew i wanted a christmas eve fight, and maybe dash & lily is to blame for that, too, but maybe i was also just itching to write a ~fight because it’s not something i’ve ever done before and i was pretty set on flls being the fic where i just keep throwing in things i haven’t tried with any previous pairings.

i also knew i had to set up nanami & yuuji’s relationship somehow if i was going to justify the therapy voucher in chapter 3, and the scene wrote itself with that in mind. i knew we were going to be somewhere inside since the megumi scene before it was outdoors and i don’t like staying in one place for too long, but everything else was all the tenderness intrinsic to nanami & yuuji’s dynamic rearing its head. that, and a few on-the-nose elements scattered around to set the scene for yuuji’s life — hot chocolate & fresh bread for warmth, yes, but also to show that he’s a regular visitor to nanami’s apartment; snow out the window because it’s Winter™ and we’re feeling a lil’ wistful; the hammer in the head paternal-ness of a guardian figure teaching you how to knot your tie. all things that yuuji didn’t have at a certain point in his life — or, more accurately, all things that yuuji lost and regained only years later. again, in the back of my mind, i was thinking, what does that kind of loss do to someone at that age? for what are we if not a series of responses and reactions to the things that happen to us? and i was thinking, too, that the opposite of love isn’t hate, is it? it must be loss. it must be lack.

i realized halfway that these thoughts echo something i wrote into megumi’s first chapter. and so i packed them away to think about later, letting only some of it bleed into the wistfulness that colors the warmth in yuuji & nanami’s first scene together. when i write chapter 5, i would joke to myself that it’s a “boil until tender” kind of recipe, but in retrospect, yuuji’s entire character is a slow boil. he was strangely mysterious to me, even as i was writing him; we know his trauma, we know his days are busy and overwhelming, but i felt that he could be more reactionary. he needs more momentum. not just for the story, which he accomplished when he confessed, and not just for megumi’s arc, which shows itself in his response to yuuji and yuuji’s problems, but for his own self, too. the haibara scene is only scratching the surface of who and what yuuji is, and the worst of it is still under getting ready to boil and bubble. and not just in the form of a panic attack in chapter 4, but something else. something bigger.

which had me looking back again to life and identity as a series of reactions and how the opposite of love is loss and lack — and that equalled to: isn’t the way we love also, by extension, a reaction? to what, though? to how we were loved? to how we weren’t loved? both. it’s both. and that brought up a lot of questions, all rooted in chapter 1: we see megumi and yuuji around father figures that care for them in their own ways, and one would argue they’re well-adjusted in the face of being loved — but are they? what would they fight about, then? sure, there’s megumi’s jealousy over ozawa but that’s too shallow. too cheap. megumi would never distrust yuuji like that. where would their differences lie, then? their love languages? their contrasting worldviews and life schedules? furthermore, why aren’t they in a relationship yet? why is yuuji only confessing now? neither of them are fumbling teenagers about the intimacy of their relationship, and yuuji was fairly clear in not expecting anything out of megumi. why is that? why is he leaving that space? insecurity? no. too easy an answer.

as it turns out, i didn’t finalize a single answer about any of these. not until chapter 5 and 6. but i knew, after having written yuuji’s perspective into chapter 1 and seeing it side-by-side with megumi’s, that their relationship can’t continue being fake with all the variables we have by the end of chapter 3. not with yuuji’s confession, not with the fight that i’m letting myself keep for no other reason than writing an argument would be thrilling, and not with the tension that won’t be solved just because they start dating. problems don’t end just because a couple is together. if anything, new issues to consider crop up once you put a label on it. it shifts the dynamic that’s there, and that will always come with its growing pains. any evolving relationship comes with growing pains. the matter here is figuring out what those growing pains look like for yuuji & megumi.

so first, i had to throw them into a real relationship.

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07 | DONBURI ON THE TRACKS

chapter 4 is so chaotic under the surface that it haunts me. this doesn’t mean i don’t like it, or that i’ll do it differently. i’d maybe argue that it was a necessary chaos, or at least that it was chaotic because it’s doing a lot in much less space than yuuji’s chapters do. there’s no moving from shibuya to kichijoji to work to disneyland to back home. there’s no takada & nobara to haibara to ozawa. it’s just megumi propelled along a thought process by nobara and into action by toji, from one evening to the day after.

with that, i’d maybe call it a bridging chapter? when i first started flls for real, i gave myself seven chapters to sort of act as guiding parameters — three chapters for them each, on top of the prologue — and opened up a blank doc. there’s no rhyme or reason for that count of seven; i guess i hadn’t expected each chapter to be around 20k words long, and even less that yuuji would be confessing by chapter 3. but it made sense, if there was gonna be a fight. it gave me enough space to bring their relationship through a healthy amount of conflict to get to the meat of the ~themes i wanted to write about, while giving an indulgently happy epilogue at the end.

(okay, clearly, these plans changed, but that was the reasoning at the time 😅)

i had a good chunk of chapter 4 vaguely mapped out somewhere in my head by the time i actually sat down to write it in full, but while i knew this chapter would have the first two scenes i wrote before flls was even flls, i still had to tweak them to fit the aftermath of the unexpected confession. i have a better idea who these characters are this time (not as much as i will yet, i think, because that part will come in chapter 5 and 6 each; we pretty much only have the foundations by this point), but i figured there was no point in keeping the story going if we don’t also get to know the characters even more as the story unfolds. the plot needs momentum, sure, i see that as i write this, but even now, that is only as valuable to me as how much that momentum parallels or, better yet, takes along the characters themselves. there has to be more layers to be peeled back; there has to be more to yuuji and megumi that we’ll only get to see eye-to-eye with in the later chapters.

the way i view it, plot or trope or twist shouldn’t ever be alone in being that. they should only be a thing in service or in response to a character being the way they are. this isn’t always the case, of course — but it’s the way i prefer to write. i’m heavily biased towards character-first writing, is what i’m realizing as i type this, which i honestly don’t see changing any time soon. characterization is a hefty chunk of the fun of writing for me. i love writing because i love my characters. even when they do questionable shit like fail to examine themselves before asking out the fake boyfriend they’ve been seeing for like five months now.

but alright. let’s backtrack. back to plot bowing down to character. the only way i could justify throwing yuuji & megumi into a relationship is if characterization necessitated it, and the only way i could justify keeping those two original scenes in some form is if they serve the plot. so: scenes are worth keeping if they are in service of plot momentum, and plot momentum is only what it is because of character, and character informs what the scenes look like, etc. i’ve always preferred thinking of writing as a circular diagram feeding off each other in turn, not a line graph. it has to be a juggling act, though not a complicated one. there’s a point where it feels right, and i think that’s what i mean about chapter 4 being necessary chaos. it’s the chapter where everything — almost audibly — clicks in place for the momentum of the rest of the story. it’s where everything kind of wisps up towards the top without surfacing quite yet. going off the juggling metaphor, chapter 2 and 3 were one ball each thrown into the mix. chapter 4 is the third ball, is the first time all the balls in the act are at play.

as an aside, i think it feels that way for their dynamic, too. writing their relationship from yuuji’s perspective always felt like a balancing act — because he had so many things going on, yeah, but also because all these precarious elements that shift with the evolution of their relationship are so much more apparent on his side. that isn’t to put the blame on yuuji for what happens in chapter 6. i was very stubborn about making sure yuuji isn’t portrayed as helpless because of all the shit he had going on in this fic. if anything, it’s him taking charge of himself and his understanding of how he’s doing that centres the fic into what it is.

and that was one of the main things i had to ensure this chapter. that his panic attack still feels like him, and not someone desperately in need of megumi’s help. i want him to be full of agency and strength here, something that i also had megumi reinforce in the end of the panic attack scene. it also would have been easy to make this subversion about “it’s okay to ask for help” — because it is, but that would have been too simple for this fic’s purposes. yuuji knows it’s okay to ask for help. he doesn’t always feel like he deserves it, but he knows he has received help from many of his loved ones and is very appreciative of all of it. he just works a little too hard to give it back tenfold. so, here, i wanted to frame megumi as someone that yuuji explicitly knows he shouldn’t ask help from. and, with that, megumi as someone who’s only one name in an entire list of people yuuji can ask.

and i wanted to bookend that with yuuji putting some distance between them after the confession. he doesn’t know why yet (and neither did i at this point, to be honest, haha) but the confession isn’t quite right with its timing. but then he has a rough night, everything feels like it’s piling up, and there’s really one person he wants to see. not to sleep with (and i imagine yuuji’s heart sinks for a bit when megumi offers to take him home, at least until he realizes megumi intends to just look after him and nothing else) but just to see, whatever that would mean. he just wants to be with megumi. he just wants megumi to be there.

and megumi is there, except he’s also battling with the sheer panic of having to be there for a person he cares about so much. i don’t think we acknowledge enough how difficult it is to be there for someone going through a hard time — how lost and helpless that renders even the person helping, and how tripled that might be for someone who sees the world and wants to find order in it like megumi does. and i took the chance to form megumi’s idea of strength and weakness through gojo and his implied backstory with geto, something that megumi might actually romanticize a little without even knowing. you can’t singlehandedly help someone, no matter how much you love them. there’s hubris, in thinking you can. there’s self-destructiveness, in that hubris. megumi is so focused on bravery, on strength, that he leaves yuuji in the bath alone, regulating his breathing for himself. he cooks for yuuji, cares for him in his own way, yet he doesn’t even realize yuuji might want to be in the bath with him. that he doesn’t care about his spilled food anymore. he’s done this before. this time, megumi’s presence is the difference, yet he doesn’t truly get it until they sleep — at which point he holds on tight and only falls into peace then.

that’s another thing i wanted to keep track of, in writing this chapter. that being overwhelmed to the point of cracking is a tried and tested routine for yuuji, that his panic attack wouldn’t be anything dramatic and intense. his breaking point was something so simple and mundane, just that spilled takeout onto the train tracks, but it’s enough to push him over the edge. and i think that captures the feeling of being too full for what life keeps giving, more so than any big trigger. more often, it’s the sudden last straws. a laptop crashing before you can save your work, even though there is such a thing as recovery and backup. biting your tongue in the middle of a sentence and finding yourself tearing up because you’re suddenly so fed up with the world. it’s that over-inflated lump in your throat. the heat behind your eyes that prickles more than it floods. and that’s what i wanted yuuji’s panic attack to look like. something almost resigned, because, again, this isn’t the first time. he knows he’ll get through it. but he’s just so, so tired and wants to be held. held by no one else but megumi.

megumi, who’s still reeling from his conversation with nobara at the top of chapter 4. i maintain that this fic doesn’t have enough nobara (part of it is that i was sure i was gonna be able to write a nobamaki storyline on the side, of which you can see hints peppered throughout), but i’m glad that the scenes of her that are there are very definitive. i always think that nobara is in such a difficult position in any version of itafushi, including their canon selves; she has so much insight to who the boys are in themselves, which you can really see in how she talks and thinks of yuuji and how she deciphers megumi, and while i’m frustrated that i had to relegate her to a Dispenser of Insight and Wisdom role in flls, it also had to be her. it had to be her to squeeze yuuji’s hand at the breakfast bistro. it had to be her, later, to have the pre-wedding talk with megumi. and it had to be her, this time, bumping into megumi at work and forcing him to sit down (literally) and think about how he sees yuuji.

this scene also serves as a breather — as close to one, at least, as flls gives. it’s an interlude, almost. a break right in the middle of the fic. it’s meant to recentre megumi, though that doesn’t really work when the chapter ends with him asking yuuji out.

but — again. scene, plot, character, all intertwined. they have to be in a relationship for plot purposes, but the panic attack scenes ensure that megumi’s characterization is pushed into the only decision that makes sense for him after that. which is, circling back, to ask yuuji to date him. i know a decision has clicked into the right place when it feels final, when it doesn’t feel like i’m forcing anything into being what it is. or, best case scenario, when it feels like the only way this could have gone.

i think the ending to chapter 4 is, unfortunately, the only way it could have gone. it would come back to bite them, hard and painful, but it made sense with their psyches the way they are in that moment. it’s the start of the end, this chapter’s ending, but it’s still a start at that, and i think, when you love someone as much those two did, that matters a hell lot more than anything else.

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08 | LOVE LANGUAGE INTERLUDE

do i like toji in canon? i do. i think he’s a great character in terms of his place in the narrative. do i think he’s redeemable as a father? in complete honesty — i don’t know. my answer changes every day. but i know that while there are plenty of fictional fathers that i strictly, coldly don’t want to entertain the idea of redemption or empathy or understanding for, out of stubborn very personal bias, toji is definitely not one of them. if only when it comes to him, i detest the idea of thinking there are easy answers. this doesn’t mean there is no right or wrong answer, just that whatever the final answer might be, there will be plenty of factors that go into it.

but i was very generous to him in flls. that much is for sure, from the prologue to chapter 4 to everything else that came after. even i was surprised with the nuance he ended up containing, if only insofar as a foil to flls!gojo in megumi’s life. i think he’s a fucked up man in canon, and i think he did and would have made a fucked up father no matter how good the intentions, a fact that i promise i state gently, but i also think that can coexist with him being a fucked up product of his fucked up upbringing. does that excuse or justify or redeem him for anything? no, but and outside of canon and in the indulgence of flls, which semi-started for the indulgent reason that i want to see what an exchange between yuuji & toji would be like, this did give me themes to hone in on in examining love and how we learn to love as we grow up.

because i feel like — there’s been a lot of talk about how understanding your partner(s)’s love languages is key in a relationship. but then, going back to the way we love as a reaction to how we’ve been or haven’t been loved, isn’t your love language — at least for some people — just a reflection of the love you lack(ed)? i don’t know how true this is on a broad sense, of course, but it certainly was for flls yuuji and megumi. and it’s where i was able to justify writing megumi into the family networks that i did. writing about gojo and toji as his parental figures was one of my favourite parts of writing flls, but i’ll get to that in chapter 6.

for now, i was heading into chapter 5 knowing that there was going to be a fight at the end of it. and that if i was going to go into it assuming that love languages are a product of what was lacking in childhood, the focus is going to be on the friction between where yuuji & megumi differ on that front. except these are things we already know, even if subconsciously. their differences are things we know from canon, things we can tell from these first four chapters. so how do i shift this understanding a little bit so it lands a little harsher, digs a little deeper to the point that it’s almost uncomfortable? where it would make sense when they fight at the end of chapter 5?

i knew it was going to take a while to find an answer, so i decided to post the first four chapters in one go for megumi’s birthday and sit on it so i can get to a distance where i’ll (hopefully) be able to reevaluate where i should take the rest of it. i have a soft spot for this fic that i don’t often have for my work, and i was so attached to the world that i didn’t want to stop writing it, but i also knew it remained true that i wrote 49k in around three weeks and just. didn’t look back. so i was anticipating a lot of loose unintended threads that i’d have to tie up in the remaining three chapters, and i didn’t trust myself to see all of them until i’ve had some time away from the story.

the break lasted a month, and it admittedly left me rusty and frustrated. returning to flls to write chapter 5 resulted in 12k words’ worth of deleted scenes — but a necessary 12k, i maintain, because eventually, my divine solution came in a moment of remembering that flls is free playground real estate and i can try even things that a lazier me swore once i wouldn’t try. and to this day, i still think i couldn’t have done that chapter in a way that i would have allowed to be published if i hadn’t thought to throw everything to the wind and try second person. it unclogged whatever needed to be cleaned out of the way — and set me down the path for the second cour of the story.

・・・・・・

note: this is all i've had sitting in my drive since march, but i do cover the latter half + some kind of we in a separate roundup post.