#the other stuff is mine tho
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Some highlights of the year
#im ngl idk where the ZUN anger post is from#i think it was on reddit#2hujerk or touhou#the other stuff is mine tho#i drew#lacey games#too cuz i want her to be happy with her friends#but i never finished it#touhou#touhou project#東方project#marisa kirisame#reimu hakurei#reimari#also included the draft for that one reimari post#hieda no akyuu#is also there i made a complete walking sprite for her#hmu if u want it#its designed for rpg maker 2003
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honestly every time i entertain the thought of a second dog i remember how destructive baby leon was. i don´t think i could handle another puppy for a hot minute.
#put newspaper on the floor today while staining a shelf and he just. left it be. unbothered. unstolen#same with kittens#genuinely idk if i´ll get cats again. mine are so good about not bothering other pets and my stuff#they used to be horrid beasts parkouring over my work and attempting arson by fucking with reptile lamps#they are 9 years now tho and prefer not to do that
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SPRING IS HEEEEEERE!!!!!!!! FINAALLLYYYYY OFFICIALLYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! felices flores amarillas!!! <333333
#mine#sth quicky before i go back to do uni stuff ou </3#i bought myself flowers tho :p margaritas pq si!!!#disco elysium#not a single other disco related tag this time i kinda dont want this in their tags <//3
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brain rot so bad i was in class today when a schoolmate was wearin red sunnies and my prof went 'you look like something straight out of a marvel comic' HIS NAME IS SCOTT SUMMERS PUT RESPECT ON HIS NAME
#xmen#snap chats#im gonna make myself SICK#funny enough I Too own a pair of red-lensed sunnies. i got em years ago but kinda forgot about em#then i realized i squint a lot cause it always so damn SUNNY so i have decided to use them#anyways my life's over i cant be normal about the most Whatever of references to xmen now#Not X-Men but the other day a friend of mine was helping me move my stuff and she tried grabbing my bag#and Apparently it was heavy as christ cause she was like 'who the hell are you captain america why is this so heavy'#like PLEASE. the avengers brain rot was during my teenage years alright it can wake up sometimes I Guess vlevjalkjlkj#funny enough 2x tho i did really like cap as a kid ... i got into discus cause i thought him throwing his shield was cool 😔#ok thats enough personal rambling im finishing this doodle bye bye
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Watching da pokepasta guys bully each other like 🍿🍿🍿🍿
#YAAAYY#msposts#pokepasta askblog#watch me forget what tag i was using tho#text#get their asses#cant wait till i do something on nuzlight blog so i can also send asks#my brain dumb and needs a more in lore reason for leaving and stuff#even tho i left the reason for others joining mine vague on purpose...#forgot to do that w the reverse...
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thinking about marcille treating falin like a kid even tho thats a woman in her 20s and like... elven tendencies to treat everyone from short-lived races as children aside, marcille probably just has no idea how she's supposed to treat anyone.
elven age of maturity is 80, and if we keep in mind tallmen's is 16, that means 80 is probably still on the younger side for our modern standards. marcille is 50 so to elves she'd be like 10, but obviously she's an adult so she mustve aged impossibly fast (at a human rate from ages 41 to 50, since it sounds like she grew alongside falin?), and has no way of figuring out how old she is compared to anyone else, even though she grew up surrounded by people from short-lived races (which would probably give a regular elf at least a general idea)
#dungeon meshi#marcille donato#her mother did tell her she lives life at a different pace from everyone else#*everyone* else#this isnt even simple long-lived species superiority she just genuinely has no idea how tf she's supposed to work#she became an adult recently and her growth rate has probably finally stabilized#so she has only just now reached a position in which she can learn how to relate to people from other races in that sense#tho there's also that bit about senshi at 13 being old enough to do stuff in the mines so i have no idea at what rate long-lived species#actually age#maybe a regular 50 year old elf is basically an adult by anyone's standards but elven society's
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some postgame doodles for pride month
#martzipan#komahina#hajime hinata#nagito komaeda#domestic kmhn likers pspspsps cmere#i never draw just fluff/domestic things bc i get too in my feelings lmao. this one was no exception#i had to take a break midway through bc i got sappy. IT'S OK THO we got it done :3#neways these tie into some headcanons of mine so i'm gonna share 'em here#mainly i hc them having little ways where they just look out for each other#komaeda is usually the only one who can convince hinata to take a goddamn break without having to forcefully drag him away from his work#bc hinata does NOT take enough breaks. and he does not listen to reason#until there is a komaeda who is tired and can't go to sleep without his human teddy bear :((( can't let him go to bed aloneeee#n i think hinata just. casually feeds komaeda ALL the time#bc he won't eat enough on his own. and if you offer him food he'll be inclined to see it as a nicety and try to reject it#but if you just. Put Food In Front Of His Mouth. he'll eat it#it's kind of a reflex like komaeda doesn't realize he's being fed most of the time#they take care of each other bc they won't take care of themselves otherwise lmao. it's a little dysfunctional but they're trying#i think once they've recovered enough to be able to just enjoy each other's company they get REALLY really giggly#they have a lot of teenage/young adult love stuff to catch up on and since they didn't really have a puppy love phase. they laugh a lot#they'll try to do something tender or sweet but then one of them will start to laugh. and then it's not long before the other breaks#komaeda usually breaks first. bc he's always in awe of just how happy he is. bc he never thought he COULD be this happy#not without hell looming just over the horizon anyways#when hinata breaks first it's bc he's thinking of how much they've both been through and put each other through#and he's just sort of like 'how the fuck did we end up here'#(btw komaeda snorts when he's trying not to laugh. this is just fact trust me)#OH AND I HAVE MANY HEADCANONS ABT THEIR SLEEP STUFFS#as stated hinata runs hot and komaeda runs cold. but ALSO#hinata's a sprawler. komaeda gets Clingy. it works out for them tho#if komaeda doesn't have hinata to hold like a body pillow he'll curl into the tightest little ball. it gives him back pain lmao#oh and yes. they absolutely wake up with their legs incredibly tangled together
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FIRST EVER ARTIST ALLEY TABLE DONE!!!
#everyone who came to the table was so lovely and so many of our friends came to support as well ;o;#day 1 was so busy and i was so stressed and had completely lost all social energy by lunch RIP#but i felt much better today actually AHA prob bc it was just less packed in general and also i had worked out a better system#for organising my stuff#overall it was rly cool to try a new experience tho ive literally wanted to table since high school ;o;#hopefully next time i will be less stressed and can actually talk to other artists lmao#we did get to meet some super amazing artists at the end tho but that was like. 2 out of the whole con#one of them gave me a print for free even tho he bought one of mine n i kept trying to offer to pay but he refused RAHH#also shoutout to the person who bought an adlers bookmark and said they were an atsumu hater but cosplayed atsumu yesterday. help
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gaining a new interest/joining a new fandom is always kind of intimidating it feels like there’s so much you’ve missed out on by not enjoying this thing before so you’re like GRAHHHH got to catch up so I can have peak enjoyment like all the Enjoying This Thing experts around here! which is so silly bc if you enjoy a thing you’re already there but. yknow
#like when I got into hockey I was like studying all the rules and terms and players and team history and stuff#so I could be able to talk with other fans and understand everything#and like when I got into ml and owl house it was like ooh gotta binge watch all the eps#gotta see what the fandom vibes are and read the good kush fics and find a group of friends to brainrot with#and now w zelda it’s like#woof#there are so many games spanning decades!!! and I only have a switch so I can’t even play most of them lol#and the lore is fascinating but sometimes convoluted and confusing lol#bro the timeline. help#it’s just a lot of info and stuff to consume djdjdk#and im brainrotting so hard so part of me wants to find a loz discord server or soemthing l#but I feel like i would not be able to be on equal footing discussion wise bc I have only played a few of the games#it’s cool tho i have one irl friend who’s very excited abt me getting into her fav series haha#and I’m enjoying seeing people’s art and stuff#and making my little doodles#ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ <- me having a good little time being bad at gaming and obsessed with a tragic blond boy yet AGAIN#mine
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he's so happy 🥰🧶
#mine#ts4#sims 4#the sims 4#simblr#sims#ofmd#ed#ofmd sims#man i usually rly limit myself to how much i post in one day#because i dont want to post too much of the same thing#dont want ppl to get bored or oversaturate the dash with sims#but i am rly trying to learn how to relax#because i am the type of person who is super all or nothing (which usually ends on nothing)#but when i AM doing something i go all in and make so much stuff and just......#i am too impatient to space it out i want to share it asap!!!#that is one thing that i like abt tumblr is that i can queue things#and i think other sites should take inspiration from taht tbh#that would make bluesky perfect for me.... gif support#the ability to make a thread as you're typing rather than having to send one post and then reply rinse and repeat#and i know those are probably in the works#i dont imagine a queue is tho but if it was that would be my dream site 😂
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I think it’s really funny we’re shipping Greg, played by Nicholas Braun (a Disney boy turned eternal highschool virgin boy), and Tom played by Matthew Macfadyen (period piece guy/THE Mr. Darcy)
#tomgreg#succession#tom wambsgans#greg hirsch#nicholas braun#matthew macfadyen#this makes ir very hard for me to watch any of their other stuff#because im not a fan of slightly misogynistic highschool teen movies or period dramas#and then theyre doing succession which is so different from everything else#gregs character reminds me a lot of nicks role in princess protection program tho#mine
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happy tuesday friendz & gooood morning ! i was up all night plucking little stars from the night sky to place on everyone’s head for good luck today ✩ — ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ! i hope today is magical is for you all <3
#that is my fancy way of saying i love u & i didn’t sleep LMAO#okay well i did but i woke up in the middle of the night bc my dreams like to taunt me sometimes#but we move !!#the kitties were all snuggled up hehe#my little sweethearts#they’re rascals tho bc they play a little game of trying to see who can get the closest to me & cuddle (obi instigates)#they both like to sleep on my chest and have their face right in front of mine#but also don’t *love* to share . .#so it’s a constant back and forth of them trying to move closer to me#in other news :#wrote 1.5k yesterday and feeling proud :’)#me + nina 🤝 forcing each other to write#it’s the editing that always gets me tho LMAO#i just turn a wee bit obsessive#A WEE !#hehe#okay im procrastinating i need to go to work#aka the land of no / very limited service#wishing you all a wonderful day !!!#also fair warning : i have a lot of stuff queued today . sorry in advance !#the tags reflect my sleep deprived brain so if they are unhinged well…. yes#₊˚⊹ ᰔ xoxo aims#🗣️ the daily yap .
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Unga bunga these take 3 hrs to make
#Artfight#Art#Hollers into the sky I'M MAKING AAART#Glad I still got it#Also was on vacay for the first two weeks of AF so thats. Great#Is it update time? Sure here's a quick life update#So I work at this tiny mom and pop shop right. Because they were so small they liked to take advantage of their workers#Aka me and literally 2 other people ever. I've been here for a year lmao#I always knew they were suspicious but it really came to a head when they accused me of stealing money#Btw they issued me a 1099 (the wrong tax form) so they already stole from me#I talked to the bank and had the delightful experience of slapping their account across the face with my guilt free hands#Metaphorically unfortunately#I'm gonna quit this week. I'm tired of these people. The drama was fun tho#Let's see. Ah! I just passed 1 1/2 years of Sky the other day!#More than the game itself I've become engrossed in the modding community hahaha#It's the weirdest little cranny of a fandom I've seen for such a large project#It's basically ONLY passed via word of mouth. And there's all sorts of fun drama happening within the discord(s) too#Idk this is just so funny to watch. Might get banned sooner or later but oh well. I've spent hundreds#It's their loss 🤪 and mine. Mostly mine. But also their loss 🤪#.... You know. My blog is small enough that I could post some funny stuff that I don't dare post anywhere else#Hehehuhuhu I just might. I have a lot of videos#OH SPEAKING OF VIDEOS I'm thinking of cleaning up all my old vids and publishing em to youtube#Apparently I just never did that#May as well dust off the ol' tube of yube and my handful of subs#I'll just post the unfinished ones unlisted as well. Why not!#Till next time. Hopefully soon
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Sakura Kiss English Lyrics
Was suddenly overcome by nostalgia and in a frenzy wrote my own english lyrics for Sakura Kiss (Ouran HSHC) just now while in the shower MFNSMND it was fun and I'm actually p proud of these... Sharing in case anyone wants to do a cover w these lyrics!!🥹 (pls credit and show me if u do🥺)
I also did a v quick recording (v out of breath😵💫) to show how the lyrics match up w the song 🫣 LMAO (i dropped my phone in the beginning KFJSJ)
EDIT: I did a new cover here! A bit less out of breath this time🤧
(raw text under cut)
Sakura Kiss
(milkbreadtoast ver)
KISS KISS FALL IN LOVE (HEY HEY HEY)
I've realized that all this time... you've always been right here with me
But is it hate, or like, or am I going crazy?
If i could look inside my heart
and see my feelings clear as day,
lady or host, it doesn't(/wouldn't) matter either way.
When love comes into our lives,
we dont always know why
but when i look in your eyes...
MAYBE YOU'RE MY LOVE
I want(/need) to see you now
so I can give you a cherry blossom kiss, and if your heartbeat skips then it's love you know!
Tomorrow's far away, let's focus on today
It's just you and me,
and this beautiful spring
is a flower's blooming hour of love!
(HEY HEY) MAYBE YOU'RE MY LOVE!
#ouran high school host club#sakura kiss#ouran hshc#ohshc#english lyrics#english cover#anime cover#lyrics#my lyrics#writing en lyrics for anime songs has actually been a lowkey hobby of mine for yrs lol#im p proud of these tho they work p well w the song and keep the gist of the og jp#and its fun to make the lines rhyme... (esp sneaking in internal rhymes n stuff)#OH BTW i didnt reference any other en cover or ver for this bc i wanted it to be my own ver...#ik there r a lot of other en covers out there (ive only heard the cristina vee ver back in the day#and i remember being unsatisfied w the lyrics bc they didnt match the jp and also didnt make much sense KFJJD sorry#so ive been wanting to write my own for a while... FINALLY SPONTANEOUSLY DID LMAO#o btw i didnt look at/listen to the en dub ver at all JDJSKDJ i hate it so much that i cant stand hearing more than a few secs#ouran#OH BTW (again) I purposely took out 'maiden' from the last line :)#(otome in the jp)#nonbinary moment...#singing#cover
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On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part four)
Since this is (finally) the last part of this essay and I've already previously mentioned what it will be about, I don't have an introduction to make, but I do think I need to give a couple disclaimers before getting right into this mess. First one: I have a lot of explaining to do because this gets medical again and I can't just assume you all know exactly what I'm talking about and/or to what extent; I hope I won't overexplain or sound condescending. On this same note, I forgot to open part one by explaining that bipolar disorder is a chronic mental illness that is treatable through lifelong medication and not necessarily lifelong therapy but not curable because to me that's a given, so sorry if you didn't have much knowledge on the topic and had to read my yapping with little or even no context. Second one: I will be using some words (such as "delusional") that are to be taken literally, in the medical sense. I'm not saying this because I think you are all stupid of course, but to highlight the seriousness of what I've been talking about these past months; it seems to me that lately medical terminology regarding mental health has been watered down a lot by Internet culture to the point of it losing its meaning, with memes about being "delulu 🤪" or reducing mania to dyeing your hair by yourself at 2 AM leading people to not take these things seriously. I don't mean to be a spoilsport or anything, I like and share those memes too but I've actually been (hypo)manic and delusional in the past so I guess I have the right to joke about it at least. Maybe it's not that serious but I want it to be serious at least here, which is also why I've never referred to episodes as "mood swings". I don't do that in real life either, even when talking to people who don't know much about bipolar disorder, because I've always found the term reductive and misleading: everyone has mood swings, it came free with being a human being. In my opinion it contributes to the misunderstanding of this disorder and the people who have it; no, we are not moody by default and no, we don't change our minds every five minutes or are happy one moment and then suddenly sad the next (seriously, who came up with these stereotypes and how?), but I digress.
This said, let's get down to business. I want to start with one detail that is either one of the most absurd coincidences in the entire history of literature or proof that Dostoevsky was somewhat somehow familiar with bipolar disorder and decided to integrate some things he witnessed in Ivan's character (I guess without knowing, as at the time there was very little understanding of it to the point it wasn't really considered an illness and was referred to as circular insanity and later as manic-depression, which are both cooler names than bipolar disorder but again I digress) because I swear I can't find any other explanation for it: the timeline of The Brothers Karamazov. It might seem like a very small detail, but as soon as I figured out the timeline I thought of fucking course. Now, we all know the timeline of this novel is a little confusing at first as there are almost no indicators of how much time has passed between Alyosha running from one house to another first and shit going down second, but in the first half of the novel we know it all starts in late August and honestly I didn't make anything of it, but then the timeline becomes clearer after Dmitri's arrest and we end up in early November for the trial and I mean, nothing particularly interesting or peculiar about a book covering the events of a (little over) two-month timespan, right? Technically yes, because it's not the amount of time that has passed that matters, but the time of the year: if it all had, for example, taken place from late June to early August or from late December to early February I wouldn't even be talking about it, because there's no seasonal change taking place in those months. August to November, however, is another story. I also find it interesting that it's the change from warm to cold weather, as it's the one that's the hardest for most people (for me personally it's the opposite, the shift from Winter to Spring is a nightmare, but I'm a rare case when it comes to that); I don't really know why, but the seasonal changes are always delicate periods for people with bipolar disorder as they can trigger episodes, I guess it's pretty much the same mechanism that occurs in seasonal depression. So, let me lay the timeline out for you: the Karamazovs reunite in late August, Ivan leaves a few days after, Fyodor is murdered shortly after, so probably in early September and Dmitri is arrested the same night, then Ivan comes back five days later, the trial takes place in early November the day after Pavel hangs himself, and Dmitri is sentenced five days before the story ends with Ilyusha's funeral. This timeline detail seriously drives me insane because all the other puzzle pieces I've been putting together for a while could be related to other disorders/conditions as well, such as schizophrenia (schizoaffective bipolar disorder is a thing too but I don't have it so I can't really say anything about it) and autism (autism and bipolar disorder have a lot in common), or even to just personality, but this? It's a little too oddly specific in my opinion, but I'll just keep assuming it's a coincidence for the sake of my own mental health.
Anyway, this means the story starts when a seasonal change is approaching, which is already a delicate time on its own, and Ivan has to put himself in an unpleasant situation that has a high chance of turning into a shitshow (and it does): going somewhere he wants to leave as soon as possible to discuss things he doesn't want to discuss surrounded by people he doesn't want to deal with. That's not a good start at all and it would be enough to put me, someone who has been medicated for seven years, on edge (and it has in the past); no wonder he's pissed off all the time. And it's only the start since, as we all know, the worst is yet to come. I love that the reader only gets bits and pieces of the build-up of Ivan's episode through the other characters' points of view and I particularly love how said build-up reaches its climax; it doesn't happen when Ivan hallucinates the devil (as it's mentioned he's seen him before and has also had other similar experiences in the past, I'll get into that later), but exactly a moment before that. But first, let's focus on the main build-up moments we see bits and pieces of before that. I was impressed by how realistically the whole thing was portrayed, especially considering that at the time almost everyting about this disorder was unknown; still to this day, in 2024, many people think bipolar disorder is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation, with the person being "normal" one day and waking up "crazy" the next like some sort of magic happening overnight, but that's straight up not true, it doesn't happen. Bipolar disorder is way more rational than one would think (very fitting for Ivan, isn't it?) and at times you do have an awful amount of self-awareness but can do nothing with it, it's kind of like being stuck in the passenger seat of a car with a broken steering wheel and broken breaks that's speeding straight against a wall; you know what's happening but can do nothing but watch and hope the crash won't be that painful. And that's how I felt reading too, every time I saw those bits and pieces of Ivan's story I thought oh no it's happening. And Ivan knows it's happening too, as we see in Book Eleven.
I've focused on The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor already, but I have to mention them again because as I've already explained they're such a pivotal point; before that we don't really know what Ivan's deal is, but as soon as we get acquainted (sorry, I had to) with him we start to notice that something's definitely up, and there is one seemingly small detail that I just can't get out of my head: when Ivan gets up and starts walking after his talk with his brother, Aleksej points out to himself that he's swaying a little. Considering it's implied that Ivan has a problem with alcohol (it runs in the family after all) in other occasions too, that's probably an indicator that Ivan had been drinking during his stay. Not only is there a strong link between bipolar disorder and substance abuse (how could there not be? Shit's tough and sometimes you have to self medicate, especially in the 1800s), but alcohol and drugs can trigger episodes or make them worse; Ivan is also once again dealing with everything alone and trust me, that's recipe for disaster. And of course after that the aforementioned metaphorical car does nothing but gain speed and Ivan increasingly becomes angrier, restless and frantic: he has trouble sleeping, he starts isolating himself even more, he talks faster, his thoughts start racing, his speech pattern becomes more and more incoherent and he can't stay still as he's mentioned walking back and forth for seemingly no reason in different occasions; all textbook symptoms. He visibly looks sick too and bipolar episodes are known to take a toll on your physical appearance (I looked like a walking corpse for years) as well as having physical symptoms manifest along the psychological/psychiatric ones, such as headaches caused by stress, which Ivan frequently has, because stress is a major trigger for bipolar disorder (and Ivan is undeniably quite stressed). Sleep also plays a huge role when it comes to bipolar disorder as it can quite literally determine your faith: the the very first sign to watch out for if you feel something might be wrong is a change in sleeping habits; if they start changing significantly it means something's definitely up and you need to intervene as soon as possible (I have prevented episodes from either spiraling or happening at all like that but it takes years of practice). Ivan's sleep schedule, if we can even call it that, during his episode reminds me of my own during an insane (no pun intended?) mixed episode I've had and it makes sense since after every manic episode comes a "crash", and during mixed episodes you can crash back and forth for days; it happened to me. But what is a manic crash? It can be summed up with a simple phrase: what comes up must come down. It's like throwing a ball in the air, it reaches its peak up there and after that it's all downhill until it crashes down on the ground and the higher it goes, harder the crash: if you stay up all night while manic, you'll sleep all day while depressed, the more euphoric you are, the more dysphoric you'll be; so it makes sense for Ivan to sleep more and more as he "comes down". As for the fever, stress can do that. Brain fever is nothing but a 19th century literature thing because it's not a real diagnosis and at the time severe emotional and psychological upset was classified as either that or hysteria, which isn't a real diagnosis either.
Another puzzle piece that fits way too well is that little mention of him tidying his room himself despite having someone to do it for him; I know it's probably thrown in there to highlight his self-isolating independence, but cleaning and tidying are very common (to the point it's almost a cliché) activities to do when you're having a (hypo)manic or mixed episode because they help getting rid of all the extra energy and give you a sense of control over your life; for me it's almost compulsive (compulsions and obsessive thoughts are common in bipolar disorder because bipolar disorder is like three different conditions in a trenchcoat), I've found myself obsessively cleaning my bathroom every day for months and fighting the compulsion to do the dishes even when it wasn't necessary. It's mentioned that Ivan feels the increasing loss of control and is ashamed of it, which brings us to the very important topics, when it comes to him, of self-awareness and control.
I already mentioned it in part one but I want to say it again: control is crucial when it comes to bipolar disorder; something out of your control happening in your life or not having enough control over your symptoms and emotions is enough to send you down (or up) a dangerous path (sounds familiar?). It takes years of treatment to be able to deal with the unexpected and to let go of this control freak attitude, but Ivan is riding this rollercoaster with no seat belt so here we are. I think this reflects best in his attitude when visiting Pavel in the hospital after Dmitri's arrest, when Ivan says he came back from Moscow as soon as possible to fix the mess they all made in his absence. He's particularly keen on letting Pavel know he has no intention of playing games and it's clear he has a no bullshit allowed policy when it comes to his family, which checks out with what I went over in part three: Ivan's presence in the Karamazov household means quiet and order. Ivan definitely has a strong personality and to me it feels like that kind of strong personality one has to develop to stay afloat, and considering Ivan is not comfortable with showing "weakness"...well; I'll get to that later. I don't know if it's a middle child thing because I'm not a middle child but I'm the only diagnosed and medicated person in a family that feels more like an emotional minefield and let me tell you, I've been running that shit like it's the Navy for years and I'm pretty sure I'm the only case of a youngest son with eldest daughter syndrome in human history and yes, it's a bipolar thing. The need for control is so strong that it extends to your surroundings and therefore the people around you; I don't know how to explain it because it's not a manipulation thing, it's an I can't deal with my own emotions so having someone express theirs in an extreme way makes me uncomfortable and I also need a stable environment to not lose my mind so I need to de-escalate any situation that might trigger me thing; it's cleaning up after other people's mess for your own sake. And maybe a little savior complex, at least in my case. Anyway, if Ivan keeps his family stable he keeps himself stable as well, so he has to take matters into his own hands even when it's too late. Damage control is a very important skill if you have bipolar disorder.
I've already been over Ivan's visceral anger so I won't go over it again, but I want to spend a few words for that one part where he punches Pavel: been there done that, and normally I'm not even a violent person. It was a pretty similar situation too: someone had been tormenting me for months while I already wasn't doing good at all, took it too far one day and I just snapped; I didn't even mean to hit that person but it's not something you can gain control over when it gets to that point, so I get where Ivan was coming from and I'll defend him until the day I die.
Since I'm going in chronological order, as you might have already noticed, this means I've finally reached the fun part. Brace yourselves, this is going to be long. I don't have much to say about the whole devil ordeal that hasn't already been said, after all it's the most blatant manifestation of Ivan's mental health status, and I think it's more important to focus on what's around the hallucination rather than the hallucination itself. The first and most important thing I noticed is that Ivan is not scared, and it makes sense for him to not be because the narrator says that situation feels familiar to Ivan, making this the second time it's mentioned by the narrator that Ivan has a past history of both depressive and dysphoric manic (usually referred to as mixed) episodes, which alone qualifies for a formal bipolar disorder diagnosis; now that I think about it I could have just said this instead of making four posts about it, but where's the fun in that? Also I don't have enough information to armchair diagnose this 19th century fictional character with a specific type of bipolar disorder, so I laid out all the relevant information for you to interpet it however you want, if you're familiar with this stuff. I think he could be either bipolar I or bipolar II as there aren't many differences between those two types. For reference, I'm bipolar II (electric boogalo), which is usually mainly depressive and has less intense "ups" (mania when it's bipolar I and hypomania when it's bipolar II, but mania and manic are often used as umbrella terms and I've used them as such in this). Ivan's episode seems more mixed (having both manic and depressive symptoms at the same time, I should've explained it earlier, sorry) than purely manic and mixed episodes are more likely to happen in bipolar II and/or to those who start having symptoms in adolescence regardless of type and I think that checks out (go to part two for that). However, hallucinating a whole person and having conversations with them is a pretty big deal and my own hallucinations are nothing like that, usually hearing noises such as knocks on my door or seeing shadows or bugs at the corner of my eye and things looking slightly off and changing in shape and size; nothing big that I can interact with and I can easily ignore that the rare times it happens. Wikipedia says that any kind of hallucination classifies as mania, but my psychiatrists obviously know I've hallucinated in the past and still haven't changed my diagnosis so don't trust Wikipedia I guess, probably because my hypomanic episodes have never significantly impaired my ability to function (like they haven't significantly impaired Ivan's; trust me, he could be doing much worse). There is a lot of nuance that Internet articles lack in my opinion.
Anyway, let's go back to focusing on how Ivan feels: he's not scared, but he is exhausted and desperate. And it's heartbreaking. Not the hardest part of The Brothers Karamazov for me to read, not at all actually, but way too familiar. Ivan, who has a strong personality and a no bullshit allowed policy, who usually speaks in a firm voice and who refused to get help even if he knew his mental state was getting worse, breaks down (in private, of course) and begs and pleads; please leave me alone, shut up. He goes back and forth between desperation and rage (very mixed episode of him) and what struck me the most is how harsh his words are: almost every time the devil says something, Ivan replies with an insult or even more in a row. Yes, it's not that atypical of him considering how he talks and refers to Pavel or Dmitri, but it's, again, heartbreaking because he's never acted like that with them (or even with his father) and he knows the devil is actually himself. He's reserving his worst words, his worst attitude, his most burning and consuming rage and hatred, for himself. And he knows that. Worst thing of all to me is that at some point he covers his ears to not hear the devil, his own thoughts, and I've done that. Sometimes those thoughts are so loud that they seem to come from an outside source and covering your ears comes naturally. It obviously doesn't work. I have many other thoughts about Ivan's devil but they don't have much to do with bipolar disorder so maybe I'll write another post in the future if I feel like it. Also honorable mention to the thrown glass because apparently I've done something similar once even if I genuinely don't remember it at all (bipolar disorder also causes memory loss so you barely rememeber your episodes, it's kind of like trying to recall the events of a party you got drunk at, we're not getting into that though).
Maybe I see Ivan's story and character as less dark and tragic than the average reader does, because to most people constantly walking up and down restless with racing, out of control, incoherent thoughts and experiencing delusions and hallucinations is understandably a terrifying experience, but for me up until a couple years ago that was just a random Tuesday. I mean it is terrifying but you get used to it, after a while you understand the twisted logic bipolar disorder operates under and it becomes less scary (still is at times) and more annoying, you try to keep up with your meds and manage your symptoms as best as you can and just go on with your life while still trying to fight it when/if you can (it's less depressing than how I'm describing it I swear, I really don't know how to convey that feeling). I don't see myself as a walking tragedy or as doomed (anymore), mental illness is just mundane to me and so is to Ivan; I think Dostoevsky did a marvelous job at portraying just how uneventful it can feel from the inside and we see it the contrast between what's happening to Ivan and his reaction to it and also between the other characters' perception of him and his own perception of himself. There is nothing other than concern coming from his loved ones, no judgment, they acknowledge that he's unwell and they usually refer to him as such; Ivan on the other hand refuses to and therefore refuses to take care of himself or, God forbid, let others take care of him. He knew an episode was approaching, but as long as he was physically okay his mental state didn't matter to him. Ivan's biggest flaw is that he's independent and self-absorbed (for lack of a better word) in an unhealthy, negative, bipolar way and it only fuels his anger: the only valid judgment and opinion of himself is his own and he doesn't have a positive view of himself. The devil tells him the people at the trial will pity him and Ivan snaps; he doesn't want to be pitied, he doesn't want to be seen as "weak" because he has internalized refusal for "weakness" and "cowardice" (he asks himself if he's a coward in different occasions, sometimes straight up calling himself that). How could he not have internalized it? He was neglected growing up and as an adult he always seems to be held at an impossible standard due to the way his personality was forced to develop, from being expected to keep the peace between the Karamazovs to even after his father is brutally murdered; at the trial Ippolit Kirillovič says that if Ivan was so sure of his brother's innocence, why didn't go to the police after Smerdyakov's confession? To them that must mean said confession never happened and that Dmitri is the murderer, but in reality Ivan (poor thing) didn't go because he was delusional and thought the two of them were going to confess together the following day. People expect him to be able to think straight and fix his family's mess even when he can't. And still, he doesn't break down even at the trial: he's firm even in his delirium, he never falters, his voice never breaks, he's determined and strong like he's expected to be, even if the others can't see it. He does the right thing for himself, not caring about anyone else's opinion, and in a sense he's some sort of modern Cassandra, cursed to tell the truth without being believed by those who can save his family (and in some versions of Cassandra's myth she goes mad due to witnessing the fall of Troy). He never cries; there's only one mention of him crying in the whole novel and contrary to other characters crying, it's not something we are told by the narrator himself but it's thrown in a conversation between Katya and Alyosha by Katya. Ivan only cried in private, in front of the person who insisted to take care of him. This talk about his relationship with "weakness" and the (partial) act he puts up definitely makes more sense in relation to part three and I hope you get what I'm trying to say.
Speaking of the trial, I was struck by the attention brought to the Karamazovs', as a whole, ability to see and navigate through two opposite abysses. Dostoevsky, what the hell? Does it mean what I think it means? I don't know, but it sure is a familiar image to me and Dmitri does seem to walk the fine line between regular human behaviour and diagnostic criteria, but I don't have many thoughts about that, it could be anything really, mostly because none of them are actual real people. My own interpretation of those characters is more "literal" even if I know they're just tools to convey certain topics and messages and if you want to get more symbolic with them please do, I'd love to read it. Honestly I like the idea of a character with a heavily emotion-driven arc such as Ivan having a disorder that fucks with one's emotions so much; also seeing someone behaving like me being treated with tact and a particular kind of sensitivity by the other characters and the author himself is so special to me (at least considering the historical context, I mean they could've just thrown him in a madhouse and called it a day but nobody even thought about doing that) because uhm...I didn't receive such kindness growing up.
There are many characters from other books, movies, and shows that I love and relate to but have never seen as bipolar coded in any way, they were just relatable, but Ivan hits different as he's the first character I've seen that is so unapologetically bipolar. I've watched shows and movies with characters that canonically have bipolar disorder and even they can't hold a candle to him (let bipolar people or at least people who are familiar with them write bipolar characters I'm begging you). There isn't a single character from The Brothers Karamazov that I hate or even dislike (yes, not even Fyodor, he's not a good person but he's a good character) and all the brothers are special to me, but I just can't help having this soft spot for Ivan, I want to give him a hug and my meds.
I'm not really going to talk about Ivan's ending because while I do obviously have things to say, they don't belong here. I just want to say that him having an open and uncertain ending (I love open and uncertain endings) even more than the other characters do is very fitting.
And that's a wrap! Thanks for sticking with me and I hope this was an interesting and maybe even educational (there's a lot of ignorance regarding bipolar disorder and I try to raise awareness every time I can) read, but most of all I hope I managed to make sense. I like this part more than part three because I wrote it after surviving the seasonal change while during part three I was in the trenches but oh well, the past is past. No notes on part one and two, those are good I guess. Also I've said variations of been there done that a ridiculous amount of times in this whole thing but my Twitter display name is Ivan Karamazov kinnie for a reason. And I won't apologize for the shitty jokes by the way.
See you soon* with other literary analysis!
*= don't rely on my words too much, it could be tomorrow like it could be in ten years
#I hope it's clear I'm not trying to downplay or dismiss bipolar disorder as not a big deal or anything#I can't stress enough of much of a big deal it actually is#it's just that after a while you have to come to terms with the fact that it's your life and it'll be like this forever#there's not much you can do about it y'know#it's hard to accept but again it's not like you have other options#anyway it's very funny how I started this thing citing the specific chapters I was referring to and gradually went more and more “fuck it”#and only mentioned in which books the things I'm talking about happen or straight up mentioned absolutely nothing just vibes#this stuff is all in the book tho I swear#the brothers karamazov#ivan karamazov#bipolar ivan karamazov agenda#thoughts#mine
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it deeply agonizes me that the speak now elements of the manuscript are never discussed in favor of the atw of it all..... like i just. "in the age of him she wished she was 30 and made coffee every morning in a french press" vs "someday when we're older, this is something we'll laugh about over coffee every morning while you're watching the news," "now and then she rereads the manuscript of the entire torrid affair" vs "i used to think one day i'd tell the story of us," "afterwards she only ate kids cereal and couldn't sleep unless it was in her mother's bed" vs never grow up exploring the idea of moving out for the first time & how she couldn't be sleeping in her mother's bed if she was already moved out (also robin being the last song before the manuscript already creating this mental connection)..... please im insane
#album: the tortured poets department#album: speak now#the manuscript#multi song#red strings#textposts#speak now/ttpd sister analysis#also ideas of ''give you my heart'' vs the half of my heart JM collab#and ''slow dance alight with the sparks'' vs JM's slow dancing in a burning room#but tho i think they're Relevant i kinda don't like making stuff about the Men™ of it all#cause the point of the story is that it's an analysis on personal trauma and an exploration of the reason all the behaviors on ttpd happen#but like. so much of ttpd is paralleled in speak now like that album is Thee catalyst for everything#also atw10 being written during speak now tour rehearsals inherently makes atw speak now coded too so like. you cannot escape speak now#she haunts the narrative#but the manuscript makes me insane every time i think about it#you go through the whole main album and think things like#''hmm bdilh has real ours energy. i can fix him has real superman delulu energy. tsmwel has real dear john energy''#down bad is haunted and mbobhft is innocent and fresh out the slammer is sparks fly and ttpd is mine and guilty as sin is i can see you#and then you get to the end of it all and you realize that there was a Point to those parallels#that there was a Point to wcs and the midnights 3am trilogy/storyline#that speak now's story and themes are the catalyst for literally e verything#both in terms of an emotional sense and also a work ethic sense#the idea that speak now was fully self written as a means of proving naysayers wrong#and that mentality goes hand in hand with the denial and desperation to prove others wrong about this romantic relationship#and there's success in one path but not in the other and it's so difficult to reconcile with that (the prophecy)#god its all too much these tags don't even scratch the surface#i desperately need to just write this whole essay or i'll go insane with all these thoughts
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