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firelord-frowny · 3 years ago

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sad blah blah

almost unanimously, people have only ever said extraordinary or at least good things about me. anyone who’s ever seen me do anything, whether it’s writing related, music related, performance related in general, or intellect, no one has ever reacted to me with “meh.”

i went to college on a talent based scholarship that i barely even had to apply for. literally, immediately after my audition, i somehow wound up mentioning that i had missed the deadline for the scholarship application or something. the entire panel of judges FLIPPED OUT and basically demanded that i go complete the application right away because they wanted me bad.

in my first semester, we had to work with some local ~professional artists~ in baltimore and one of our assignments was to complete some sort of art project that explored the concept of ~refuse versus environment~ or something like that. We were supposed to complete it over the course of a week and then bring it to our next meeting with the artist. i did my project ON THE BUS while we were on our way to that meeting. I scribbled a few stream-of-consciousy paragraphs about... something lmao i don’t remember. but i read it out loud to my group and then the artist spent like a solid 15 minutes gushing about how ~in all his years of being an art professor at some of the most distinguished programs in the world, he’s never heard such an elegant and artful take on blah blah blah~.

the president of my university???? asked me personally to come and perform at his home for fancy events with other Important People like donors and politicians and researchers??? and like. this man had a whole “60 Minutes” special about what a critical role he’s had in using education to strengthen communities. this man sat at tables with obama while he was in office. he paraded me around to other Important People and talked about what an outstanding artist i was, my sparkly personality, my ~delightful wackiness~, blah blah.

Not one, not two, not three, but FOUR professors who were all world-class musicians at a festival i attended, singled me out as particularly gifted. the kinds of shit they were saying to me in front of everyone did not get said to anyone else.

when i was at Tanglewood, even though i fucking sucked because i clearly hadn’t practiced all the music, all my chamber coaches STILL made sure to let me (and the other people in my groups???) know that i was the more skilled player in the ensembles. I wound up having to sit last chair at one of the concerts because there had been some miscommunication that led to the directors thinking i was leaving the program (i was super homesick and had been asking my parents to come get me), and despite that fact, after the concert, the conductor - who had never even spoken a word to me personally - made sure to hunt me down in the crowd as everyone was leaving, and tell me what an outstanding player he thought i was, and that he felt lucky to have had me in his orchestra.

i spent a summer at Summit Chamber Music Festival in upstate new york. the skill level among the students ranged from Laughably Inept to Why Aren’t You At The Curtis Institute. I was by FAR not the worst player there, but I also definitely felt like I was nowhere near the best. But the program director specifically, deliberately placed me in the highest level orchestra, surrounded by players who were fully capable of playing shit like paganini and weiniawski and whatnot. When he wanted to put together a small chamber group, he pointedly selected me to play 1st chair. My string quintet included 3 other string players who were lightyears better than me. Yet our coach frequently turned to me to demonstrate the ~right way~ to play a lot of the more difficult passages. And like... I was the 2nd violinist lmao. It’s almost aallllways the 1st violinist that coaches will ask to demonstrate stuff for the rest of the group. but he asked me. every time. our quintet was ultimately selected to close out the entire festival, a la Saving The Best For Last. The pianist in my quintet, according to his mom, thought i was incredible. this pianist was a bona fide prodigy and he thought i was incredible.

LITERALLYYYYYY everywhere I’ve ever performed, everyone has been so impressed with me. directors of major musical organizations have always made a point to get my name and contact info because “we’ll definitely be contacting you for more work.”

Everyone who’s ever seen me teach violin thinks I’m uncommonly good at it. i mean, i’m no galamian, duh, but apparently i’m able to get students to sound better than the average teacher can.

everyone who read my first screenplay claimed to be floored by it. i spontaneously read some of my prose at an open mic night and uh, accidentally snatched the show right out from under the featured artists' feet.

I used to act???? and was pretty fucking good at it?? I starred in a small handful of local plays? i was cast in ~large roles~ in everything i ever auditioned for.

my talents in visual art are decidedly Well Above Average.

i have such a fucking long list of things people think are outstanding about me, and an incredibly long list of people who have bothered to tell me that i’m outstanding, and it makes me feel so fucking sad and frustrated bc like....

lmao why the fuuuUUUUCCCKKKKK does it continue to be so difficult to find anyone who feels like giving me any legit career opportunities?? Even when they’re aware that i’m available?? and willing??

i’ll have a 10 minute conversation in which a professor or a director or a coordinator is telling me all about how impressed they are by my skills at Whatever, and how i should do This and i should do That and i should go Here and i should go There and then they ask me where i’m currently working/what i’m currently doing, and i say, “oh, you know, mostly freelance gigs and lessons as i’m looking for full time opportunities,” and then they say “cool! good luck!” and leave.

i feel sad and confused and delusional. if im so fucking great, why aren’t people reaching back when i reach out in search of a means to earn a fucking living??

i know the short answer is that i still don’t ~put myself out there~ and i give up too easily. but also like... i have BEEN out there. the total positive experiences i’ve had with influential superiors over the years have been plentiful and frequent enough that SOMEBODY should have wanted me to contribute something substantial to whatever programs they represent.

and since i feel like i must be delusional and that i must not actually be such hot shit and that everyone is lying to me to spare my feelings, it makes me not even want to try harder bc i’ll wind up discovering for certain that everyone thinks i’m trash.

what do i have to doooooooo to find The Right Opportunity other than reach out to the same people who told me how phenomenal i am? i make sure Potential Employers see/hear me being fantastic. i apply for jobs in their organization if i know they’re hiring. if i know they’re not hiring, i at least convey that i’d be interested in possibly working with them. but nobody reaches back.

i’m so good at things and i feel like a fucking deadbeat loser lmaoooooo

maybe they don’t actually know that i’m fucking jobless??? lmao maybe they’re assuming that i must already be active in a real career? maybe i need to literally TELL them as they’re praising me, “i’m unemployed and i need a job, do you know of any full time opportunities you could point me to?” but i feel like people think it’s a ~red flag~ when a potential employee doesn’t already have a steady job??? but also... how the fuck is anyone ever supposed to get a steady job if nobody’s willing to hire them because they don’t have a steady job???

i feel Stupid and i think that whenever i finally get the fucking resolve to start therapy again, i’m gonna just show this whole ass rant to my therapist.

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ectonurites · 4 years ago

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for the character headcannons ask game, jason and cass?

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT im putting this one under a cut because it got SUPER long bc i cant shut up ever

lets start w jason

A (realistic headcanon):

ok using the ‘realistic’ category here loosely but GOD i love the idea of Damian & Jason having interacted while Jason was staying with the League before getting dunked in the Lazarus Pit. like. this obviously would need to be set more in preboot and following the Lost Days & Batman Annual 25 version of Jason’s resurrection, but god the idea of it just makes me scream in a good way. Like... these are things Jason likely doesn’t remember very clearly once he’s brought back to life more fully by the pit because he was uh pretty catatonic, but Damian being a little kid and knowing about the boy that his mother keeps around the base, that she’s trying to help bring back to health. Damian not even knowing that’s his big brother, just that he’s a presence that shares his mother’s attention. Jason again being unresponsive but like, ok god you know that part of lost days where Talia shows the others observing him that he only fights back at those he perceives as genuine threats trying to hurt him,

Because Jason can perceive that she’s safe, she’s not actually trying to hurt him, he trusts her because she saved him? thinking about lil child Damian who is ya know already being trained in fighting stuff and like the idea of him trying to provoke Jason just to see what happens but Jason not fighting back because on some level be it his connection to Talia or even little baby Damian visually reminding him of Bruce, he knows that Damian is safe too 🥺

and then when Jason and Damian meet again in Gotham as Red Hood & Robin respectively, Jason not really remembering because there was so much going on back then for him, but Damian realizing that oh... that was Him

B (hilarious):

alright so if we are looking at comics currently, in modern stuff jason is what, like 22? hes old enough to drink in the US but still definitely early 20s so around my around my age, thats what im using as a basis here. if we adjust timeline and still consider his death having happened when he was 15, that puts it around 2013. and then coming back to like interacting with people about three years later if we still kinda base things off of the preboot timeframe (since we never got a super solid retelling of the timeline of death -> resurrection -> training -> tries to get revenge aside from knowing he went to the all-caste instead of the lost days version of the story) making him reenter the regular world and stuff around age 18 in 2016. meaning a solid three years of pop culture that he was entirely missing, and like im sorry but he really doesn’t strike me as the type to bother looking into what he missed, he’s kinda busy focusing on other stuff. lets take a quick look at some major things from those years. 2013 gave us ‘what does the fox say’ and ‘the harlem shake’ . 2014 had that time U2 just put a fuckin album on everyone’s phones, The Fault In Our Stars movie came out. 2015 introduced the phrase ‘Netflix and Chill’ and the whole blue & black vs gold & white dress debate happened. imagine any of the other batkids (or even arguably roy during rhato stuff) bringing these things up and jason’s ensuing confusion. thank you for your time

C (heart-crushing):

so. there are two specific instances from rebirth era Jason i want to bring up here and much like a lot of these it’s less a headcanon and more of an inference based on observations, but i wanna take a sec to discuss Jason’s relationship with other people’s death. early in rebirth, Tim ‘dies’ from that whole thing in detective comics. he didn’t actually die, we as readers know, but in-universe they all very much so thought he was dead. frustratingly a lot of the batfam wasn’t really shown mourning him aside from in the Detective Comics Rebirth title itself (which just. when a major character dies even if its temporary- that should have a ripple effect) BUT an exception to that is in RHATO 2016, where we get this offhanded comment in Jason’s internal monologuing

similarly later when Roy, who like, had an incredibly close relationship w Jason that had just gotten mended before Heroes in Crisis, gets fuckin murdered in that whole thing... Jason doesn’t go to his funeral either. He leaves a dramatic voice mail and then visits the grave on his own later, choosing to instead keep working on the mission they’d started rather than going and taking the time to mourn properly.

Jason’s relationship with death is incredibly complicated, obviously. He has died, he has come back, and he now is willing to cross the line most other bats won’t and will kill people when he deems it necessary. I think thats something important though- he doesn’t just like... go around killing for fun (usually, some writers preboot made him a little murder happy but even then usually this still was vaguely followed) he kills people he thinks deserved it. Like, even looking back at the mess of Morrison’s Jason during Batman & Robin 2009, Jason was still trying to bring a sense of justice with who he was killing (”punishment that fits the crime”), it wasn’t killing for the sake of killing. He sees things in this kind of almost black and white ‘people who deserve it’ and ‘people who don’t’ way, and he has no problem dealing with death when it’s with the people he thinks deserve it.

but when someone who doesn’t in his mind ‘deserve it’ gets killed? i think he just goes into total avoidance mode. throws himself into other things he’s doing, tries not to dwell on it too much no matter how much he still thinks about it (this is especially evident in him consistently telling people “i’m fine!” after what happened to Roy, despite bringing Roy up literally like every few issues for a WHILE after he died and very clearly still struggling with it, Artemis is the only one who gets through to him on it a little bit)

but yeah, I just think that from Jason’s relatively unique situation of having been murdered, he knows what it’s like and he is perfectly fine wishing that on people he thinks are bad and deserve it, but it crushes him to imagine the people he loves and cares about having to experience something as painful as what he went through. not to mention the whole “I came back, why do I get a second chance at all this when they, who are a much better person than I am, probably won’t” mindset we get some implications of him having

D (canon is a coward and won’t)

hello DC i am once again insisting a batfam member is bisexual

CASS TIME

A (realistic headcanon):

ok so we know cass likes ballet. thats canon. however i think we also should in general explore cass experiencing other types of dance/performance as well, be it herself as a performer or even just watching. like... god imagine her & like my brain just automatically for group activities puts her with tim steph and duke but also for this in particular I feel would be a Jason embraced activity, but like them going to see a broadway show or some other professional theatre or something, and her just being enthralled by the reading of body language of the performers! like again by any point in current stuff cass does have like, the ability to speak fine (reading still hard tho) but even so I think like. okay im a theatre kid if that’s not obvious from the Everything About Me but one thing I always do after seeing a show is ya know spend dinner afterwards discussing it with whoever i saw it with.

I just think that like, bringing those people i just mentioned to the table to discuss seeing a show after would be so FASCINATING because cass would bring this whole perspective of critiquing their acting on a whole different level- not based on how well they delivered lines out loud, but by what their body language was saying as they moved on stage. like im very amused by the idea of cass getting a totally different picture in her mind about what a character’s motivations were because she was paying way more attention to what their physicality was saying vs the words that were written and how they were delivered. i think the debates her and the others would have would be EPIC there. jason defending the text as it was written adamantly and cass being like ‘ok yeah sure but thats not what they did’

B (hilarious):

cass having no concept of money because why would she bother? is SO funny to me. like it’s not that she couldn’t be reasonable if she wanted to, but like, she knows that the Waynes are well off so it’s not something she actually needs to be concerned about, so she just goes hog wild. takes steph out to fancy dinners and makes steph order for them since cass ya know doesn’t really read the menus, and steph’s like ‘jesus christ this costs-” “don’t worry about it” “but cass-” and she just holds up one of bruce’s credit cards and steph’s still like “but you don’t even know the range-” “it is fine”

bruce does not have the heart to tell her to stop

C (heart-crushing):

i mean this is pretty much canon but especially now after death metal where she’s remembering, not just being told by a guy using weird alternate timeline technology, that she used to be an adopted member of the Wayne family... like that hurts so bad. To look at these people who have ya know been kind to her, Bruce has still been a father-like figure to her (i mean literally from the moment they met in New 52 canon during the flashback in Batman & Robin Eternal, where he’s telling her that she’s not a monster just because of what people forced her to do.... that she’s a hero... that hug.... dad behavior), and they do to some extent treat her as family... But to then really know, to feel and remember that she was actually adopted! She was a part of their family. To look at how she’s been calling herself Orphan while working with them this whole time... that’s so heartbreaking! I have cried about this idea so much! I want so badly a conversation between her and Bruce now where he offers to officially adopt her again, I need it so bad and if it doesn’t happen at some point in the next year or two I will be so distraught.

D (canon is a coward and won’t)

i want an in-depth exploration of cass’ relationship to her own gender. being raised without language and you know with so much of her life being independent (remember: CASS RAN AWAY AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING ANY SPOKEN LANGUAGE) and outside of an organized society impressing too much of gender expectations on her, i feel like the way she experiences it would be very unique! like sure she’s so far been fine with being assigned ‘girl’ (ya know that comes with batgirl, and how people just automatically treated her based on how she looks) but in terms of gender expression and like her actual relationship with ‘traditional femininity’ etc like... because of how she was raised I just think she’d have a really different perspective on it that could be cool to explore, and I think she’d fall outside of the binary after she really thinks about how she identifies.

tldr on that: she/they nb cass is what i’m getting at here

#onwater #jason todd #cassandra cain #sam writes

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in-this-body-of-mine · 4 years ago

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To The Bone (2017) - Analysis and Charting

Let’s go! I’m NOT excited because life is hard but what better way to distract myself than to do this kind of shit. No one cares, anyways.

Since this is the first one, let me tell you what we’re gonna do here. I’ll include the IMDB summary, a summary with spoilers, the placements in the chart, we’ll go over each item (also, spoilers abound) and finally my review and final thoughts. Yes, it’s gonna be long. Read at your own risk.

IMDB summary: A young woman, dealing with anorexia, meets an unconventional doctor who challenges her to face her condition and embrace life.

Summary with spoilers: Lily Collins plays Ellen/Eli and from the start of the movie she is on the brink of her disease. She was just kicked out of a recovery center and she gets an appointment with a ~cool unconventional doctor~ played by Keanu Reeves. She goes into ANOTHER inpatient treatment home to be treated by him. Shit happens, she seems to be getting better somehow, but then she spirals down, runs away, and after a... near death experience (I wish this was an euphemism) she decides to try recovery again and goes back to the treatment home. That’s where the movie ends.

Chart placements!

Now for each item:

White: Ellen or Eli is played by Lily Collins, who once played Sandra Bullock’s daughter in that movie were she was a Karen. It doesn’t get whiter than that.

Female: She changes her name to Eli mid film (which is how I’ll be calling her here bc we respect chosen names in this household) but she still seems to identify as female and be referred to as such, so here we have it. We do have a guy in the treatment home, but we’ll come back to him later.

Teenager/Young adult: I’m pretty sure she is 19 but every review I see says she’s 20. Either way, she dropped out of college even though she just started it. The actress, however, was 28 at the time the movie was released.

Wealthy/seemingly well-off: Her family has the money to send her to inpatient a bunch of times, and they make a point to mention how they have connections so she didn’t have to wait in line to see this new doctor. Case closed.

Skinny actress from the start: As we know, Lily Collins is already thin and she did struggle with anorexia in the past. Why, however, did she lose weight for this movie? They said it was her decision “to make the character more authentic”. As if not being skin and bones wouldn’t be enough. As if eating disorders don’t come in every size. They shouldn’t let her. The need to shock people is a very dangerous sign to me.

No distinctive personality or hobbies/interests: I’m glad Eli has a thing she loves. It’s not super present, but it’s there, and it’s plot relevant. She loves art and in the story, she had a tumblr (look, it’s us!) where she shared drawings related to her ED and a girl liked her drawings so much that, when she killed herself, she mentioned Eli by name in a note. But that isn’t really explored too much and I kind of got disappointed by that.

Good student: We don’t really know about that... and I don’t think it matter, it’s ok.

Seemingly irrelevant love interest: Why? Just why do we need Luke? Luke is the only guy in the home, and we can SEE that he’s only there to be Eli’s love interest. He wasn’t needed. None of the important plot points have anything to do with him. Make her date a girl. Make her date NO ONE. This is about eating disorders. She could have closer friends in the house. Why was this necessary. Her whole speech about how love is a lie could come from a friendship but no. They had to shove pretty white boy there.

Daddy issues (sometimes coupled with mommy issues): I find this extremely funny but her dad isn’t in the movie. At all. He’s alive and well, but he makes a point to never come home when Eli is even awake. I don’t think they cast an actor for that. As for mothers, she has three, and it’s a trip. Her stepmom on her dad’s side is very out of touch but she wants what’s best for Eli, but she really hates Eli’s biological mom. Bio mom, in turn, is described as a “bipolar lesbian” and the stereotypes are just... ugh. Bio mom has a wife and she is a bit weird too. They sent Eli to live with her absent dad bc “they couldn’t deal with it anymore”. This brings us to a great scene where we can see Eli shrinking in her seat and when the psychiatrist asks her what she is feeling she says “I’m sorry I’m not a person anymore. I’m a problem.” And that’s great to see. But at the same time, I hate that her whole issue in this movie seems to come from her family and anorexia is just a thing that happened, with some vague references to control.

*Triggering event*: We never see it and it’s okay - but I kind of wanted some more explorations of motives because we have ZERO.

Anorexia as diagnosis: As I always say, what is even the point of making a cool looking movie about EDs if your protagonist is not only anorexic, but also terminally anorexic? Ugh. That’s the only portrayal of anorexia that happens in media and I’m fucking tired.

Checklist of habits (manual for those looking for one): I mean, I mark this down but as I always say: everything is a manual if you’re looking for one. But if you’re doing more than not eating or purging or exercising I’ll judge it as a new tip. A lot of us already thought of/did most of them probably. But the marking remains.

Inpatient treatment (or extended hospital stay): As I said, she is kicked out of one treatment center and goes straight into another. What fucks me up is that the movie HAS other characters with other diagnosis, but we never see anything about them. We don’t see their journey. We only know Luke is a dancer bc he is the love interest. We only know Megan is pregnant and then she’s not bc this sends Eli in a spiral. We only know Kendra is not straight bc she makes a joke about it (and Doctor Beckham follows with a horrible joke about conversion therapy). Did you notice Ciara Bravo was in this movie? I didn’t on first viewing. She has like two lines. The whole movie is centered around Eli and every scene in the house feels like all the other patients only care about her too.

Emotional tipping point: Megan loses her baby and for some reason this affects Eli. Luke kisses Eli and for some reason she’s pissed. At that point, I was annoyed. She has a bad session with Doctor Beckham who basically tells her to grow a pair and stop complaining (which is insensitive as a doctor, but as a person I wanted to do the same) and she decides to quit and leave. She has to go to her mother’s home and I’m supposed to care. Stepmom is mad but doctor says she needs to hit rock bottom. She weights like 70 pounds dude. Rock bottom was about ten pounds ago, next stop is a coffin, mate.

Mom hugs: And here we have the emotional turn around of the movie and it’s just... make it make sense. She goes to her bio mom’s ranch. Her stepmom # 2 tells they’ll have therapy with horses (?). Eli goes sleep in a tent and bio mom cries and says she accepts if Eli wants to die. Very supportive I guess. They have this weird bonding moment where the mom feeds her a bottle like a baby and look, if you liked that, good for you, but I don’t get what I was supposed to feel about it (but that’s mom hug #1). She goes on a hike next morning and... dies? Either way she has an out of body experience where she talks to Luke and sees how she looks - which is weird to me. Didn’t we go over this in the beggining of the movie? Didn’t we establish that she does know what she looks like and doesn’t care? But still she seems shocked and they have a cryptical conversation and she wakes up. And just like that, she’s ok now. She meets up with the other stepmom (mom hug # 2) and goes back to the home.

Happy ending: In the last scene Eli is back to the home and we understand she’s going to try to recover for real this time. I’m okay with that specifically, I think it would be bad if they pretended she just got better with no relapses and everything is fine, but it’s a hopeful ending. Despite the fact that we have no idea if she won’t have a fit and leave in two days and that we never know anything about anyone else and Megan, who lost the baby, never comes back. It’s fine. At that point, I didn’t expect much.

Analysis: I was hesitant to be critical bc this movie was based on the real life experiences of the director and Lily Collins. But fuck it, this is my circus and I’ll clown as much as I want. While I do understand that, I have a lot of thoughts.

Mainly, I need to say that while I understand this is her story, this is a story that was told so many times. I’m tired.

The general public that wants to defend the movie says “well you can’t tell ALL stories”, and while I agree, these people probably only saw this movie about the subject. If you HAVE (or had) and eating disorder, you probably saw tons. And they ALL tell the same story. Which is why I started that chart in the first place.

This movie does have good moments. I do like the acting, I saw people complaining about Keanu Reeves performance - but I do know these were people who disliked the movie entirely. I think his performance was great, Lily Collins performance was great, and their chemistry was great. The best scenes in the movie happened between the two of them. The one thing that I LOVED was their first interaction when he calls her on her bullshit. “You’re not thin, you scare people, and I think you like that.” YES. I never heard anyone talk about that. And I guess I’ll never will, bc the movie itself never talk about this again either. Also when she justifies the tumblr where her art triggered a girl so much, she says that she was just drawing what she knows, he calmly tells her that she can draw, but she doesn’t have to share it online tho. I liked their interactions because often ED patients are treated with silk gloves (is that the expression?) and sometimes there is a need for some though love. I also love Liana Liberato who plays her sister and that’s about it.

The problem with the doctor ends up being: what’s his method? How are you going to cure her? The method makes no sense. I don’t see the reasoning. I don’t think anyone does. And somehow it works and she goes back there.

I think my major problem with the movie is that it has the same issues every ED portrayal before it. It’s the same story again. I think it shines the most in the whole “it’s not about food, it’s about control!”. It IS about food though. For a lot of people, it is. Maybe not for this director or for Lily Collins, but for so many people it is about food. It’s about control as well, and it is possible that there is other factors related to it, but you can’t chalk it all up to a control issue and pretend it’s just whatever. If the food didn’t matter, it wouldn’t be an eating disorder.

Because of that, we have this heavy focus on her family issues and nothing to do with food. We have people trying to rationalize - maybe it’s bc your mom is a lesbian, maybe it’s bc i didn’t bond with you as a baby - and all that does is to make her lesbian bipolar mother seem like a crazy asshole and her dad seem like an absent asshole as if this is the only factor here. Give me SOMETHING. Any connection to food. Any sense. Nope. She just won’t eat bc her family is fucked up. Hoe, that’s all of us.

And I think the movie unintentionally DOES glamourize anorexia. Subtly, yes, but it does. Eli has SUCH an easy time refusing food. She doesn’t seem to think about food as much as she thinks about herself and her family and Luke and being annoying. She knows a bunch of calories and she overexercises. Idk. Not to mention that moment when Kendra asks her about purging and she says “it’s not her thing”. I mean. It is no one’s thing. No one likes it. It’s a compulsion. And if you have anorexia that severe and you are not with a feeding tube, you do eat every now and then, and you do have purging mechanisms. If she had said she prefers overexercising as a purging mechanism than to throw up, I would believe her. But the movie acts as if she just never eats ever and somehow she’s still standing. Give her a feeding tube then. It would be more believable.

I know it sounds kind of ranty, but my point here is: this extremely anorexic girl, that looks like a sack of bones, and gets that by never eating and doing crunches all the time, it is the wet dream of a fatphobic society with a 71 billion weight loss industry. This is the dreamy and frugal idea of anorexia that people have when they are deep into the illness - not when they recovered as the people involved say they did. I get that this is a very personal project. But it’s flawed. It doesn’t do anyone any favors. It just tells the same story, for the millionth time, but since this time it was in a big platform, more people saw it, and it was better done, with a better budget and with a good enough resolution so I can see every bone in Lily Collins body.

Anyway, that’s it for today. If you read all of that, thanks. Since this is Netflix, I’m assuming everyone saw, but the other movies are out there and if you need liks, hit me up. Be back soon.

#eating disorders #eds #pro ana #not pro and you know the rest #to the bone #thinspo #thinspiration #ed things #eds in media #thinsppi #anorekcia

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iridescentides · 4 years ago

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hi again dia! happy first day of december ❤️💚 i wanted to ask you what, in your opinion, are the 5 most underrated dcoms? i remember you saying before that you've watched all of them so i'd love to hear your opinions 😊 - 🎅🎁🎄

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH secret santa you are so good! asking me all the best questions 💜

okay so i literally had to make a list of all the dcoms i consider underrated and then narrow down a top 5. theres lots of dcoms that i love, but that i think got the right amount of attention and care (like lemonade mouth and the teen beach movies, for example), so this list just focuses on ones that deserved more hype for their quality level.

5. The Cheetah Girls: One World (2008)

okay so even as i type this i feel like a hypocrite. i have only watched this movie one time. BUT i can acknowledge that its one of the most criminally underrated dcoms ever, tons of people didnt watch it simply because raven wasnt in it. thats why i avoided it as a child, and i didnt get around to watching it until i did my big dcom binge in 2016. and it was so good. theres a really long post floating somewhere around tumblr full of specifics on why its actually the best cheetah girls movie (my favorite is the second one purely out of nostalgia), so to paraphrase some points from that post:

its a solid example of cultural appreciation, rather than appropriation, as the girls go and learn about bollywood and indian culture together

the indian characters arent treated like props or unimportant sides, they get their own agency and storylines that are important

the songs are good!!!

basically this movie was overlooked and slept on even though in terms of role modeling and social value, and just like the first two cheetah girls movies it was important and impactful.

4. Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure (2011)

okay so as someone whos very neutral and occasionally negative-leaning towards the hsm franchise (mostly bc its overhyped and not really representative of all dcoms), i was pleasantly surprised by sharpays fabulous adventure. this is another one that i know lots of people skipped right over and dont hold with as much esteem as the main hsm franchise, and that doesnt sit right with me.

i do not agree with the “uwu sharpay was the real victim in hsm” arguments bc in their efforts to look galaxy brained the people who say that overlook the fact that she was a rich white woman who used her power and status to exercise control over opportunities that should have been fairly and freely available for all; they were not “making a mockery of her theater” in the first movie, they were literally just kids who wanted to try out a new school activity that everyone was supposed to be allowed to participate in; and despite allegedly learning her lesson and singing we’re all in this together with everyone at the end of the first movie, she literally showed no growth in the second movie as she fostered an openly hostile environment and favored troy so heavily that it literally cost him his friends, all as part of yet another jealous plan to take things away from people who already have less than her. she was NOT the victim in the main franchise, and she did not seem to exhibit any growth or introspection either.

and that!!! is why sharpays fabulous adventure was so important. in focusing on sharpay as the main character, they finally had to make her likeable. they did this by showing actual real growth and putting her outside of her sphere of influence and control. we saw true vulnerability from her, instead of the basic ass “mean girl is sad bc shes actually just super insecure” trope (cough cough radio rebel), and this opened us up to finally learn about and care about her character. throughout the movie we see her learn, from her love interests example, how to care for others and be considerate. she faces actual adversity and works through it, asking herself what she truly wants and what shes capable of. and in the end, when she finally has her big moment, we’re happy for her bc she worked hard to get there. she becomes a star through her own merit and determination, rather than through money and connections. this movie is not perfect by any means, but it is severely underrated for the amount of substance it adds to sharpays character.

3. The Swap (2016)

okay i know im gonna get shit for this but thats why its on this list!!! just like sharpays fabulous adventure, its not perfect and definitely misses the mark sometimes, but it deserves more attention and love for all the things it did get right!

the swap follows two kids who accidentally switch bodies because of their emotional attachment to their dead/absent parents’ phones. and while i normally HATE the tv/movie trope of a dead parent being the only thing that builds quick sympathy for a young character, they definitely expanded well enough to where we could root for these kids even without the tragedy aspect. we see them go through their daily struggles and get a feel for their motivations as characters pretty well. as a body switching movie, we expect it to be all goofy and wacky and lighthearted, but it moves beyond that in unexpected ways.

the reason the swap is on this list is for its surprisingly thoughtful commentary on gender roles. its by no means a feminist masterpiece, and its not going to radicalize kids who watch it, but it conveys a subtle, heartfelt message that deserves more appreciation. the characters struggle with the concept of gender in a very accurate way for their age, making off-base comments and feeling trapped by the weight of expectations they cant quite put their finger on. we watch them feel both at odds with and relieved by the gender roles they are expected and allowed to perform in each others bodies, and one of the most interesting parts of the movie to me is their interactions with the other kids around them. as a result of their feeling out of place in each others environments, the kids inadvertently change each others friendships for the better by introducing new communication styles and brave authenticity.

the value of this movie is the subtle, but genuine way it shows the characters growing through being given the space to act in conflicting ways to their expected norms. ellie realizes that relationships dont have to be complex, confusing, and painful, and that its okay to not live up to appearances and images. jack learns that emotional expression is good, healthy, and especially essential to the grieving process. one of the most powerful scenes in the movie comes at the end where, after ellie confronts jacks dad in his body, jack returns as himself to a very heartfelt apology from his father for being too hard on him; the explicit message (”boys can cry”) is paired with an open expression of love and appreciation for his kids that he didnt feel comfortable displaying until his son set an example through honest communication. this is such an empowering scene and overall an empowering movie for kids who may feel stuck in their expected roles, as it sets a positive example for having the courage to break the restrictive societal mold. for its overall message of the importance of introspection and emotional intelligence, the swap is extremely underrated.

2. Freaky Friday (2018)

this is my favorite dcom, and probably my favorite movie at this point. ive always assigned a lot of personal value to this movie (and i love every freaky friday in general), for the message of selfless familial love and understanding. i know i can get carried away talking about this topic; i got an anon ask MONTHS ago asking me about the freaky friday movies and i wrote a super super long detailed response that i never posted bc i didnt quite finish talking about the 2018 movie. and thats bc on a personal level, i cant adequately convey all the love i have for this movie. so i will try to keep this short.

first lets state the obvious: the reason people dont like this movie is bc its not the lindsay lohan version. and i get that, to an extent, bc i also love the 2003 version and its one of my ultimate comfort movies, and grew up watching it and ive seen it a billion times. i even watched it a couple days ago. but the nostalgia goggles that people have on from the early 2000s severely clouds their judgement of the wonderful 2018 remake.

yes, the 2018 version is dorky, overly simplistic plot wise, a bit stiff at times, and super cheesy like any dcom. the writing isnt 100% all the time. the narrative takes a couple confusing turns. the song biology probably shouldnt have been included. i understand this. but at the heart of it all, this movies value is love. and its edge over all the other freaky friday movies is the songs.

on a personal level, the movie speaks heavily to me. i cried very early into my first viewing of the movie bc i got to see dara renee, a dark-skinned, non-skinny actress, playing the mean popular girl on disney channel. that has never happened before. growing up, i saw the sharpays and all the other super thin white women get to be the “popular” girls on tv, and ultimately they were taken down in the end for being mean, but that doesnt change the fact that they were given power and status in the first place for being conventionally beautiful. so, watching dara renee strut around confidently and sing about being the queen bee at this high school got to me immediately. and in general, the supporting cast members of color really mean a lot to me in this movie. we get to see adam, an asian male love interest for the main character. we have a second interracial relationship in the movie with katherines marriage to mike. ellies best friend karl is hispanic. and we see these characters have depth and plot significance, we see them show love, care, and passion for the things they value. the brown faces in this movie are comforting to me personally. additionally, the loving, blended family dynamic is important to me as someone in a close-knit, affectionate step-family.

but on a more general level, this movie is underrated for its skillful musical storytelling and the way it conveys all kinds of love and appreciation. in true freaky friday fashion, we watch ellie and katherine stumble and misstep in their attempts to act like each other. its goofy and fun. but through it all, the music always captures the characters’ intimate thoughts and feelings. the opening song gives us a meaningful view into ellie and katherines relationship and the fundamental misunderstandings that play a role in straining their connection. ellie sings about how she thinks her mom wants her to be perfect, and her katherine sings about all the wonderful traits she sees in her daughter and how she wants her to be more open and self assured. this is meaningful bc even as theyre mad at each other, the love comes through. the songs continue to bring on the emotional weight of the story, as ellie sings to her little brother about her feelings of hurt and abandonment in her fathers absence. the song “go” and its accompanying hunt scene always make me cry bc of the childlike wonder and sense of adventure that it brings. for the kids, its a coming of age, introspective song. for katherine who gets to participate in ellies body, its a reminder of youth and the rich, full life her daughter has ahead of her. she is overcome with excitement, both from getting to be a teenager again for a day, and from the realization that her daughter has a support network and passions that are all her own. today and ev’ry day, the second to last song, is the culmination of the lessons learned throughout the movie, a mother and daughters tearful commitment to each other to love, protect, and understand one another. the line “if today is every day, i will hold you and protect you, i wont let this thing affect you” gets to me every time. even when things are hard and dont go according to plan, they still agree, in this moment, to be there for each other. and thats what all freaky friday stories are ultimately about.

freaky friday 2018 is a beautiful, inclusive, subversive display of familial love, sacrifice, and selflessness, and it is underrated and overlooked because of its more popular predecessor.

1. Let It Shine (2012)

this is another one of my favorite dcoms and movies in the whole world. unlike the other movies on this list, it is not the viewers themselves that contribute to the underrated-ness of this movie. disney severely under-promoted and under-hyped this movie in comparison to its other big musical franchises, and i will give you five guesses as to why, but youll only need one!

let it shine is the most beautifully, unapologetically black dcom in the whole collection. (i would put jump in! at a notable second in this category, but that one wasnt underrated). this movie was clearly crafted with care and consideration. little black kids got to see an entire dcom cast that represented them. the vernacular used in the script is still tailored mostly to white-favoring audiences, but with some relevant slang thrown in there. in short, the writers got away with the most blackness they were allowed to inject into a disney channel project.

the story centers on rap music and its underground community in atlanta, georgia. it portrays misconceptions surrounding rap, using a church setting as a catalyst for a very real debate surrounding a generational, mutlicultural conflict. this was not a “safe” movie for disney, given its emphasis on religious clashes with contemporary values. it lightly touches on issues of image policing within the black community (cyrus’s father talking about how “our boys” are running around with sagging pants and “our girls” are straying away from god), which is a very real and pressing problem for black kids who feel the pressure (from all sides) of representing their whole race with their actions. its a fun, adorable story about being yourself and staying true to your art, but also a skillful representation of struggles unique to black and brown kids and children from religious backgrounds.

on top of crafting a fun, wholesome, thoughtful narrative and likeable protagonists, let it shine brought us what is in my opinion the BEST dcom soundtrack of all time. every single song is a bop. theyre fast, fun, and lyrically engaging. “me and you” is my favorite disney channel song of all time due to its narrative significance; i will never forget my first time watching the movie and seeing that big reveal unfold onstage, as a conversation and a plot summary all wrapped into a song. the amount of thought and care that went into the music of this movie should have been rewarded with a level of attention on par with that of other musical dcoms.

if disney channel had simply cared about let it shine more, it couldve spanned franchises and sold songs the way that other musical dcoms have drawn in success. i would have loved for a sequel that explored and fleshed out cyrus’s neighborhood a little bit more, and maybe dipped into that underground scene they caught a glimpse of. i wanted a follow up on the changed church community once cyrus’s father started supporting his sons vision. i want so much more for these characters and this world than disney gave them in just one movie.

for its bold, unabashed representation of blackness and religion, subtle, nuanced presentation of race-specific issues, strong, likeable characters, and complex, thoughtful songs, let it shine is the most underrated dcom.

and because i made a full list before i started writing this post, here are some honorable mentions:

going to the mat (2004)

gotta kick it up! (2002)

tru confessions (2002)

dont look under the bed (1999)

invisible sister (2015)

#this took me embarassingly long to write #i cant help myself i literally think about this all the time #youre doing a great job with these questions secret santa!#dcoms #disney channel #answered asks #anons #gcwca secret santa #Anonymous

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heisenbergchronicles · 6 years ago

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APPRECIATION & INTERVIEW

Better Call Saul episode posters by Matt Talbot After 4 nearly years, I thought it was time to catch up with Matt Talbot about his Better Call Saul poster project. The last time we talked during Season 1, Matt was deep in the hustle of making his name as an illustrator: juggling a full-time job, freelance projects, as well as band. Finding time for personal projects like this one can be a significant challenge. (Not to mention surviving the death of your tools: During Season 1 his Mac laptop died, and this season, his Wacom tablet bit the bullet). But despite these challenges, the 43-year-old New Hampshire native has persevered to create a clever and thoughtful series of episode posters that has garnered considerable attention, and brought with it new high-profile clients and art exhibitions.

First, congratulations on all of your success and recognition with this series of posters. It’s well-deserved. What’s been the most gratifying feedback you’ve received? Thank you! Every interaction I’ve had with anyone from the show has delighted me. I've been surprised by all of the cast and crew members who have said nice things – every note I’ve gotten has meant a lot to me. That being said, Michael McKean randomly tweeting at me that he has my poster for Chicanery hanging in his home blew my mind. I was eating dinner when my phone showed the notification and I literally jumped up from the table. I’ve been a fan of Michael’s since I saw Spinal Tap in the ‘80s and never in a million years would I have guessed I’d make something he valued enough to hang in his home.

Tell me about your contributions to Gallery1988 exhibitions. How does that process work? It's a pretty simple process. They invite me to be part of a show, and I make something to send them. I’m very excited for the opportunity to show there, and I feel like it’s a milestone in my art-making career.

Across the 4 seasons, which BCS posters are your favorites? Which one are you most proud of? I’m particularly fond of Rebecca, Rico, Marco, Switch, Sunk Costs and Something Beautiful. Oh man, it's hard for me to evaluate my own stuff. I tend to like the posters where I find a way to get a different take on something they did in the episode. I would say that “Sunk Costs” is also one of my favorites because I did something differently than how they shot it, and because Mike is so recognizable even from the back. I was also pleased with “Off Brand” because it was when I finally figured out how to draw Bob Odenkirk.

How has your process for creating these posters evolved over 4 seasons? When I started this project I had a vague idea that I would focus on scenes rather than portraits or likenesses, but that didn’t even last half a season! The characters were too good not to include. In that way, the posters have evolved in my willingness to draw characters, and also, hopefully, my ability to draw them.

My process is now something like: Watch the show on Monday; think about it on Tuesday, figure out what stood out to me and do a thumbnail sketch or two; draw it on Wednesday night; post it Thursday afternoon. I’m a bit faster at drawing these now compared to when I started. And I’m a bit more decisive on choosing which subject matter to depict.

There have been quite a few changes on the visual side of Better Call Saul over the last 2 seasons. New directors (Minkie Spiro, Daniel Sackheim, and Andrew Stanton), a new cinematographer Marshall Adams, even new cameras. What are your thoughts on how the show’s visual grammar has evolved? Has any of this impacted your posters from Seasons 3 & 4? I try not to just redraw literal scenes from the show, and I don’t need to tell you that they shoot the show in an incredibly beautiful way. I mean, they always, always, pick the best angle, the best shot to capture something. For that reason, it’s sometimes hard to to come up with another take on a moment from the show.

That being said, the visual style hasn’t really impacted my posters as much as the evolving subject matter has. The show, I think, is substantially darker than it was in the early going. It was easier to depict Jimmy’s hi-jinx in the first couple seasons. But with Chuck’s deteriorating mental state, the cartel stuff, Mike going deeper into Fring’s world and of course, Jimmy’s loosening sense of morals, the funny moments are harder to spot. That’s lead me to some more somber layouts and color choices.

We didn’t discuss this in our first interview. Which typeface are you using in your posters, or is this custom typography? The main logo and episode titles are set in Sign Painter, from the excellent House Industries.

The Heisenverse is known for it’s color theory and use of color. How has that impacted your color choices in these posters? I’ve kind of adhered to their blue=good/red=bad symbolism, but I also try to balance out colors between episodes and not repeat myself in sequential posters.

Many of your posters (especially ones this season) use a monochromatic, or simple palette of 1-2 colors. Tell me more about why you chose that approach. Is this a signature of your style? I’ve seen this approach in a lot of your work. You know, in the early seasons, I was trying to use simpler color palettes, but I wasn’t very disciplined and I got away from that. I’m trying to stick to a more consistent style in season 4. It is a conscious decision. I also feel like with the week-to-week nature of this project, it helps quickly set apart each poster. And, I really do love limited color palettes. Giving myself color constraints helps me figure out different ways to solve layout problems.

I’ve heard other illustrators say that Bob Odenkirk’s facial features are tricky to capture. Do you share that sentiment? Which characters are more challenging to illustrate? I do agree with that. I had a really hard time with him at first. I kind of think I have a better handle on it now, but I’m always trying to get better. I feel like if you can get his mouth right, it goes a long way.

I found Hector hard to capture both times I drew him. Mike, on the other hand, is just pure fun to draw. Jonathan Banks is so distinctive and iconic.

What’s been the most difficult poster thus far? Why was it challenging? Maybe it’s because a lot of time has gone by, but I can't think of one that stands out as having been really difficult.

Francesco Francavilla did alternate posters for some of his Breaking Bad posters. Inevitably, when artists look back at their work, they consider revising or redoing it because of a variety of reasons – their point of view has changed, their skill/style has evolved, or maybe they were never truly content with the final product. Looking back at 4 seasons worth of posters, are there any that make you want to scratch the revision itch? Yeah, more than I would care to admit. I would really like another crack at Amarillo. I know I could do a better job and that drawing is just super flat. In season two, I decided to to experiment with style and I kind of wish I hadn't. I like Cobbler, but I wish I had drawn it in my normal style. I would redraw Nailed for sure. Oh man, if I start going down this road it's not going to end well, so I'll just stop.

You mentioned earlier this season you were excited to draw Track Suit Jimmy. Who or what haven’t you drawn, that you are eager to illustrate? Howard! It bums me out to no end that I haven't drawn him, but it just hasn't worked out. And I need to include Kim more. It's kind of criminal that her face only appeared for the first time in a poster this season.

What’s your opinion of Season 4? Tell me about your favorites – episode, scene, character. I think season 4 is brilliant so far. The Kim/Jimmy relationship has deepened so much this season, and feels so real, but full of inevitable heartache. Oh, the flash-forward to Breaking Bad’s timeline was amazing. Mike doing his audit in the Madrigal warehouse. Really, anything Michael Mando does on screen. It's hard to pick. I so enjoy the deliberate pace of this show.

Where’s your favorite place to discuss the show? I honestly don’t talk about it too much online, though I lurk in a few places and read a lot. I actually discuss it mostly with my wife!

I know you get this question a lot, so let’s cover it here so folks understand: Do you have plans to sell any of this work online? I really appreciate that people like it enough to want to buy it or hang it, but I don't plan to sell the Better Call Saul posters online. I’m doing this for fun, not to make a buck off the show, and I don’t own the rights to sell it anyway.

What’s next for Matt? Do you have any other poster or illustration projects in the works? Is you band performing soon? I have several more pieces for Gallery1988 shows coming up. I’m pulling together an art show at a local brewery for whom I design all of their labels and stuff. I’m patiently waiting for a t-shirt I designed for one of my all-time favorite movies to be announced. And for the past several Octobers, I spent the month drawing a horror poster per day. I’m not sure if logistically I can do that again this year, but I’ll probably fit at least a few in. We’ll see how it goes. Sadly, with all of my illustration work, I haven’t had any time for music making, but someday I hope to get back to that!

Follow Matt: Web site / Tumblr / Twitter / Dribbble / Instagram / PosterSpy

– Interview by Shayne Bowman, Heisenberg Chronicles

#better call saul #artist interview #matt talbot #mine #heisenberg chronicles #illustration #fan art #posters #favorites #mattrobot #bcs season 4 #gallery1988 #g1988 #house industries #sign painter

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cookinguptales · 7 years ago

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update: lmao I am so fucking doped up right now. sorry to the world that I got behind on shimamatsu translations, but have you ever tried to translate while on muscle relaxants? it’s a bad scene. god, I’m in a lot of pain rn.

gonna talk about some of the movies from the film festival below the cut. doped up af but I’ve seen like 14 movies so far, hella. tomorrow I probably have to skip bc I just took two cyclos and that is gonna fuck me the hell up.

movies I’d recommend:

thelma a norwegian film which is basically a coming-of-age story for a fundie christian girl who goes to college and realizes she’s a lesbian. oh, and that she has insane supernatural powers. (it’s kind of carrie-ish but with canon f/f, but imo a lot better than carrie.) the love story is really interesting, if incredibly dark. like if you’re in the mood for dark, kind of mindfuck-y f/f, this is your film. despite the very long upcoming list of potential triggers, it’s not as scary or brutal as it sounds. lmao. highly recommended, probably the film I’ve enjoyed most so far. (tw: violence, nudity, drug use, death, [spoilers] child abuse, possible mind control, child death)

custody a french film based on a short film that I saw a few years ago, and it’s fantastic and gut-wrenching. the short film was about a woman running away from her abusive husband with her children; this feature-length film is about what happens when a stupid judge ignores what both the wife and children have to say and gives him joint custody. (spoilers: it doesn’t end well.) interestingly, it has all the same cast as the original short film, though the kids are markedly older. idk if it’s meant to be a straight sequel or if one just inspired the other. really well done, tho, I was fuckin white-knuckling it in the theater. people were like. yelling. the climax of that film is INTENSE. probably the best quality film we’ve seen so far, though I think the plot could’ve been tightened up a little. (tw: very explicit depictions of physical and emotional abuse, very terrifying moments. [spoilers] but no child death.)

I, Tonya tonya harding biopic. I’m not really a big one for biopics, but this was a good one. it tried to explain how harding’s life led her to where she got, but didn’t necessarily paint her as some innocent victim. it was sympathetic where it needed to be, empathetic where it needed to be, but rarely let her get away with bullshit. lot of good performances here, but Margot Robbie (even though she looked way too old for the part) did a great job. (tw: explicit child/spousal abuse)

the villainess Korean lady-gets-revenge-on-shitty-men bloody action flick. not really my genre, admittedly, but I feel like anyone who likes this kind of movie would really enjoy this one. very Kill Bill-esque. it’s the story of this girl who basically gets passed around between illicit assassination organizations, in-fighting, revenge on all those who wronged her, etc. it is Very Bloody and many people die. the action scenes are HQ if you are into that kind of thing. I was mostly invested in the huge amounts of f/f potential. like at one point she joins an assassin organization where all the operatives are female and that whole part of the movie!! was very gay!! the actual canon relationships are het, but there is a strong potential for dark f/f murderwives here. (tw: haha oh boy if it’s a problem it’s probably here. implied CSA, child abuse, creepy relationships, violence, gore, nudity, child death, everyone else death, non-con facial surgery...like it’s bloody af okay...)

love means zero this is a documentary about nick bollettieri, who’s this super famous tennis coach. (apparently.) I knew next to nothing about the world of professional tennis going into this documentary, but I still enjoyed it bc wtf this guy is a piece of work. it’s basically all about how he fucked over a ton of people (especially kids) when he was trying to make tennis champions. and how he succeeded! by fucking over a ton of people! the interviews with him are honestly kind of wild bc he’s just such a crazy narcissist. this was especially weird for me to watch bc I grew up in the sarasota/bradenton area and never even knew all this shit was going on there. it was weird seeing my hometown on the screen like that, but also interesting. (tw: child abuse, just generally being a fuckboi)

MOVIES THAT WERE OKAY but like I had Issues

brimstone and glory I feel like I really recommend going out to see this one if you can see it on the big screen. it’s a documentary about a fireworks festival in Mexico and honestly the cinematography is stunning. it’s just so, so, so cool. but the actual documentary part is kind of boring sometimes, and you gotta have a strong stomach bc it also shows some of the injuries people get at this insane festival. like I don’t think showing that is a bad thing; I think it’s the only responsible way to make a documentary about this festival. like it’s amazing, it’s so cool, but also these people are like. going blind, losing hands, dying. and taking their kids!! like if you cannot handle watching kids in dangerous situations, don’t go!! dad was freaking out, lmao. (tw: graphic depiction of real-life injuries)

radiance a Japanese film about a woman who writes audio description for blind movie-goers. the same director made An (Sweet Bean Paste) a couple years ago, which was notable for its depiction of what Japan does to its citizens who have Hansen’s Disease. (leprosy.) it was weird to me when that movie came out that none of the reviewers really talked about that aspect of the movie; they were all like “UGH IT WAS SO POINTLESS AND CLOYING” and I’m like “did you miss the point of the movie?? which was critiquing the social ostracization of these people in Japanese society??? did that completely go over your heads????” anyway, I appreciated the depiction of PWD in Japan bc having lived there while disabled, I know that shit isn’t easy. that’s why I went to go see radiance. it was...okay? I think the most interesting part was when they let the blind characters talk. the movie was otherwise pretty pretentious and self-indulgent. lmao. like... it’s a rent, don’t buy situation.

marlina the murderer in four acts this movie was not bad! it’s an indonesian film about a woman whose home is invaded and she kills all the invaders. it’s definitely a film that critiques misogyny in indonesian culture, but I feel like it undercut its own message by showing such incredibly graphic rapes. like honestly, I don’t really ever recommend movies that have very graphic rape scenes, but I guess she does end up killing her rapists during the rape scenes. I just. I feel like it could have been done in a way that won’t get people all sexually excited while watching a violent rape. : / y’know? other than that, though, I really liked the female characters in the movie and sympathized with marlina’s journey trying to get society to help her and realizing she had to just go it alone with her female friends. bc like. she’s attacked by men, but she’s also revictimized by shitty ordinary men all the time she’s trying to get to town, report the attack, etc. and so are the other female cahracters. so they just. have to be vigilantes. (tw: GRAPHIC rape, violence, mild gore, spousal abuse)

newton Indian film about a guy going out to the jungle to get votes in the main election. but like. none of the people out there even know who the candidates are, there’s a lot of anti-government violene, the villagers are caught between anarchists and the police, it’s just a mess. and I do think the movie was good at showing the futility of it all and showing how the people who really end up getting fucked over are the poor people in rural areas, but at the same time like. pacing was uneven, tone was ???, and I found the protagonist irritating. and there was what appeared to be some pasted on het which made no sense. (like honestly I cannot figure out why she ever wanted to talk to his dumb ass again.)

blade of the immortal it’s takashi miike making blade of the immortal. I mean. I feel like if you are familiar with those names, you already know if you want to see it or not. if you aren’t, idk how much you’d like it anyway. after already having watched miike’s ace attorney adaptation, I sense a pattern. the guy just looks at a HUGE corpus (like a VG with 5 cases, or a manga with 40 volumes) and is like “welll....then I guess we better make things fast.” so you have Big Bads being introduced in the same breath that they get killed, 30-second backstories, just a frenetic pace and a huge amount of information, and it’s confusing and overwhelming if you don’t already know it. and honestly, I haven’t read BotI so I can’t say how faithful this was. but if you already love the characters and just want miike’s trademark bloody action flick style, then I mean. fair enough. this here’s a bloodbath. I had a hard time getting emotionally invested as a fresh viewer, tho. highlight of the evening: an old man walking out grumbling about how he only likes classy martial arts movies, and apparently this did not qualify. having seen a lot of classics of the martial arts genre, still unsure what a “classy” martial arts film looks like. (tw: offscreen rape, death, blood, gore, just an unreasonable amount of killing honestly like it was funny by the end, attempted CSA)

gemini this is a “neo-noir” thriller. so essentially a murder mystery. unfortunately, the title of the movie basically gives away the entire story lmao. so while the build-up wasn’t bad, the entire last 15-20 minutes of the movie are a total letdown. it was nice to see canon f/f, I guess, but I feel like the movie never went in hard enough on that. like were they trying to make a point about how hard it is for celebrities to have same-sex relationships? I’m not sure!! I can think of a lot of things that would make this plot more interesting, but they just didn’t do them. acting was fine, I guess. John Cho was in it, even if his character was pointless. Zoe Kravitz is always fun. (tw: I mean it’s a murder mystery. so...murder.)

DID NOT ENJOY

scaffolding (israeli film, boring af)

the workshop (french film, kind of boring, makes questionable points about neo-nazis)

#haha I'm dying squirtle #if anyone wants a full review on any of these I'd be happy to #these are just some hot takes #i tonya #thelma #custody #the villainess #love means zero #brimstone and glory #radiance #marlina the murderer in four acts #newton #blade of the immortal #gemini #scaffolding #the workshop

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nataliecrown · 8 years ago

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4x02 Recap - Heavy Lies the Crown (The 100)

This was a quality episode. It’s not gonna jump on to my all time faves list, possibly because pretty much everything was spoiled beforehand (can’t wait to be past the screener eps, honestly), but it was some high calibre shit.

Warning: I am in a foul and irritable mood. If this recap is saltier than usual, I apologise. Unless you like salt, in which case - I did it especially for you!

Onwards...

- NOTE: They fixed Zach’s name in the credits. My question is, how the hell was that mistake ever allowed to happen. My god.

Anyway...

Radioactive, Radioactive

- The butterflies are back! I am HERE for throwing back to the S1 radioactive imagery. Could it be that we will see random dude from S2 again at some point? A GIRL CAN DREAM.

- So this whole opening sequence was seriously rad. We got to see ALIE again. Who knew that would excite me so much (Erica’s performance is just so damn good), we got to hear Tree Adam’s awesome soundtrack again, and we got a pretty brilliant introduction to Ilian. I gave exactly zero shits about RILEY later on in the episode, but I am instantly a fan of this dude.

- I also think it’s worth pointing out that his trauma must be EXTREME. He murdered his family. Yes, he wasn’t in control. But he can remember every damn moment. I doubt he will remain an antagonist forever, but I can’t say I blame him for being seriously fucked up and needing to expel that fucked up ness through violence and rage.

LET’S TALK KABBY

- THIS WHOLE SCENE WAS WONDERFUL.

- It’s legit pretty rad that an older couple get to have proper on screen sexy times on a ‘teen’ show. Kudos! It’s hawt.

- Paige Turco’s legs. Damn.

- ‘You are a terrible influence’ has me asking SO MANY QUESTIONS. I WANT TO SEE MISCHIEVOUS KANE PLEASE. THE KANE THAT OPERATES WHEN HIS CHILDREN AREN’T AROUND TO SEE HIM ACTING ANYTHING LESS THAN WISE.

- ALSO when Abby said Roan was expecting her...was I the only one whose mind swept off into an AU where Abby is like...the king’s wife, but she’s getting it on with one of his most trusted Ambassadors and it’s a tale of star crossed lovers and... @kane-and-griffin SURELY YOU WENT THERE?

- Kane’s smile while she has her back to him is just lovely.

- AND THEN the whole interaction with the necklace is just wonderful. Abby will never stop loving Jake, she will never stop missing him. But she is allowed to move on. Knowing that won’t stop her feeling guilty though, at least for a little while. Her hesitation is true to real life, and Kane’s gentle understanding is absolutely exquisite. He is not at all fazed by the spectre of her dead husband, to the point that he does not hesitate to help her put the necklace back on. And Abby does not express her gratitude with words, but with a kiss - her own gentle reminder to him that despite that guilt that is impossibly to not feel, she knows that she wants him. That she wants this.

The T Kru

- So we check in with the new peeps. We have the leader who is alllll about taking out King Roan. I think it’s important to note Ilian pointing out that he only wants revenge against Skaikru, and not the king.

- HEY LURKING LURKER WHO MIGHT YOU BE?

- Just kidding, it is clearly Octavia and I am about to be controversial...are you ready?

- Yes, Octavia looks like a badass, and angel of death, a vixen ready to get a mixen. HOWEVER...isn’t the point of an assassin meant to be that they are inconspicuous? If she wants to fade into the background and eavesdrop on conversations...if she wants her identity to remain secret for more than two minutes...shouldn’t she dress like everybody else? The cape is stunning but also....VERY UNIQUE COMPARED TO EVERYTHING ELSE WE HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW.

- ANYWAY nobody notices her REALLY UNIQUE CAPE and Octavia learns vital information. The T Kru are going to challenge Roan to combat. Which, normally might be sweet, but Roan was shot - remember?

- God, I hate that crown. FREE ZACH’S BROW 2K17.

- ‘Now that the lift has been repaired’ AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA *wheezes* Okay, show.

- I just want to point out that Octavia is still wearing Niylah’s clothes. JUST POINTING IT OUT LEAVE ME ALONE.

- Octavia has continuous smug face going on this season and I love it. Echo, perhaps, is not such a fan.

- ‘You’ll lose. Lexa kicked your ass...’ ROAN’S FACE AHAHAHA. And Kane’s reaction is priceless too. I am living for a season of Octavia just straight talking 24/7.

- Roan, Octavia and Kane are a squad I can get behind. Kane is going to try for diplomacy...we’ll see how that goes...

ADVENTURE SQUAD ASSEMBLE

- Clarke’s look is fucking great, I love it so much. It is hints of S1 whilst also being fresh. I am a staunch defender of most of season 3. I think the overarching...arcs... were necessary and well placed. But lawwwwd it is nice to see Clarke back at home, and looking like Clarke again.

- This scene really nicely sets up the differing stances of Bravelarke. Nobody is right, nobody is wrong. The back and forth is really nicely done. It’s all very head, heart, and hands I must say.

- ‘A choice your dad died for’ RAVEN REYES, SLYTHERIN.

- Clarke’s expression and voice get super fierce here. It makes me so sad for her considering the end of the episode. So Raven is Jake, Clarke is Jaha, and Bellamy is Abby? I’m for it.

- The real MVP of this scene is Monty, and I love how he isn’t actively part of the conversation that the ‘leaders’ are having, but his mind is constantly working. While the others are going around in circles, Monty thinks up a solution.

- ‘We’re standing in our viable solution.’ The way they all look around at the Ark which was both salvation and prison for them, all hopeful and wide eyed...IDK my dudes, it gives me the heart feelings.

Checking in with the other delinquents...

- Something about Bellamy going to Miller and Bryan gives me feelings, mostly bc of the knowledge that Bellamy and Miller are BFFs. RIGHT.

- Bryan is recovering remarkably well. I somehow doubt you should ever base gunshot wound recovery times off of this show folks.

- Bryan gets more character in this episode than he has at any other point. Jonathan does a really fantastic job of portraying his trepidation, his anger, and his general level of irritation at Miller.

- I LOVE THE PIKE CONVERSATION. IT IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT. It’s also super important that what Octavia did is referred to as murder here. Last episode we had Clarke assure Bellamy that Pike had it coming. I think that was said, for the most part, to make Bellamy feel better. But this show is nothing if not fair when it comes to showcasing all sides of things. Pike was, in most respects, a hero and saviour to Bryan. And he was elected Chancellor, fairly. It’s not a simple situation.

- ‘To save you, Nate.’ I’m not hardcore Briller or anything, but the delivery here was spot on. Annnnnd I actually think super important in establishing Bryan’s character some more. We all know Bryan will be heading out the door sooner or later, but I still appreciate how the shows likes to give any and all characters depth.

- The hug and no kiss thing is...weird. There can be no denying.

- JASPER’S WHOLE SHOWER SCENE. I FORGET HOW GOOD DEVON IS AT COMEDY.

- MONTY’S APPALLED FACE.

- HONESTLY THOUGH. When Jasper says ‘Monty’ all serious and turns off the shower, I CACKLE. And then ‘look at me’ I’M TRYING NOT TO. BLESS YOU LOVELY CHILDREN.

- As things stand, I am loving where the show has taken Jasper post 4x01. And I’m intrigued to see where it goes.

- MAYBE MONTY DID GRAB THE WEED. IDK HOW OR WHEN. BUT MAYBE.

- Obviously the best part of this scene is THE JONTY HIGH FIVE. HUZZAH.

- ‘Hey, you wanna hug?’ *giggles*

ADVENTURE SQUAD ASSEMBLE

- MONTY AND RAVEN’S INTERACTION IS SO WONDERFUL. THEY’RE ALL LIKE TEAM BRAIN, AND THEN MONTY POINTS OUT RAVEN’S BOOM FETISH, AND THEN THE I GOT THIS AND THE SHOULDER PAT AND THE JOKE.

- I LOVE ALL OF THEM SO MUCH.

- Okay, so Bellarke. There is this super brief shot after Clarke hands over the whatever whing, where Bellamy looks away from her and she just STARES AT HIM YOU GUYS. HER FACE IS SO WARM AND FOND AND GLOWY. I’VE NOT SEEN ANYONE ELSE MENTION THIS MILLISECOND FRAME BUT IT’S EVERYTHING.

- I’m personally not of the opinion that Bob intentionally winked, I think it’s just a face thing. BUT THERE CAN BE NO DENYING THE CUTE. WHO KNEW THAT IF BELLARKE ACTUALLY GOT TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER THEY’D GO RIGHT BACK TO THE DORKY JOKES AND THE ADORING EYE SMILES.

- WHAT IS THAT SHOT OF MONTY AND HARPER WATCHING THEM.

- Bellamy is so...energised this season? I’m fully loving it. I’m sure his self loathing is absolute, but he’s channelling it in such a positive way since he got to unload at Pike in 3x16. Clarke doesn’t have that same energy though, and you can almost see more of her own seep away as she watches him leave.

- Also, another cute Raven and Monty nod. I POINT OUT ALL THE DETAILS OKAY. MAKE YOU READ ALL THE WORDS.

- That was a quick trip.

- The Marper hand hold is cute.

- Things go to shit pretty fast! Bellamy is all about making sure everybody else chills out in this episode. Even when he gets smacked upside the head, he is DEDICATED TO THE CAUSE.

- BELLAMY SPEAKING TRIG YO.

- It’s not my place to talk about in depth, but the casting of extras and small bits parts on this show feels remarkably diverse compared to literally everything else I watch.

- We get a clear indication that the Ice Nation are not particularly fond of their King.

- Personally...I don’t reallyyyyy get why they back down? But whatever. I guess the leader does at least slightly fear the king?

PRINCESS MECHANIC RISE

- Okay, so Raven having to do her first mini boss speech and feeling all awkward and overwhelmed is the start of what will end up being another amazing arc. I FEEL IT IN MY BONES.

- SINCLAIRRRRR. But we do at least see now why he kind of needed to die. Kabby must, obviously, be protected at all costs. However, this show very much is about the 100 (+ Raven and Bellamy). Raven has to rise to the occasion in his absence.

- This conversation between Raven and Clarke is EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. It reminds me so much of S1 and ‘I’d pick you first.’ GAH. Just seeing them working together, and supporting each other means so much. Neither of them really know what they’re doing, but they’re doing it anyway. MORE. GIVE ME MORE.

- Fucking Jaha.

- Okay, FINE. Jaha having actual relevance to main characters is infinitely more interesting than Jaha out on his own doing his own wild things.

- I LOVE RAVEN BRINGING UP THE WRIST THING, AND CLARKE FINDING THE STRENGTH WITHIN TO POINT OUT THAT JAHA WAS ALSO CHIPPED. But Raven is having NONE of that. Remember that Jaha, at ALIEs behest, zoned in on Raven. She was the key. He went after her, after her injury, preyed on her pain. No wonder she is seething. Jaha’s zen owning of all his crimes is...vaguely interesting, I guess.

- Sort the scrap you dumb dumb.

OH MY GOD, RILEY? RILEYYYY? IS THAT YOU?

- Even if preview articles and teasers hadn’t already given away what Bellamy’s choice would be, as soon as we saw that little girl we all know he was saving the slaves, right?

- The appearance of the slaves strikes me as entirely random and contrived though. Why would the Ice Nation have massacred so many of Farm Station if they had a legitimate use for them? Whatever.

- So, Riley! Definitely in to the idea of him and Bryan having a history together, and the two of them rowing off into some off screen happiness together later in the season. I’m sure, given time, Riley may grow on me. This show does a remarkable job of making me care about everyone. But at this point I feel nothing. I’m all in with Ilian, and intrigued by Kenza...Riley, not so much.

- Everything about Echo and Roan’s sparring is attractive. EVERYTHING.

- I’m sorry, but Abby is totally checking Roan out in all of her reaction shots. That, or she’s fantasising about Kane.

- ‘If you can’t help me, why the hell are you still here.’ That clearly influences Abby’s decision to leave later.

- So, I didn’t talk about Roan and Echo much earlier because I LOVE THIS SCENE HERE. I’m so intrigued by where the show is going with these two. It’s a huge deal that Roan trusts her with the radiation information. I suppose it might not be trust per se, perhaps more like necessity - but still! And I also think it means a lot that Echo seems truly dedicated to helping him. As was said in 4x01, she’s very loyal. It’s proving true so far.

- Echo at Arkadia. Now, that will be interesting.

Octavia, back at it again with the sass and the smirks.

- Kane makes a valiant attempt at diplomacy! He points out that while Arkadia might have helped spread the CoL, they also destroyed it and saved humanity.

- When that doesn’t work, Octavia employs an intimidating lead with some shit talking. Solid tactics, O.

- NIYTAVIA FOR LIFE...but in the meantime, we’re calling it Butterfly Assassin?

- ‘Well that went well.’ Kane’s look up at her is just like, DON’T.

- CLARKE MY LOVE. I AM SO SAD FOR YOU. HEAVY LIES THE CROWN INDEED. IT’S TOO MANY PEOPLE. SO MANY ARE GONNA DIE. DAMN THIS SHOW.

- I kind of adore that Clarke’s reaction to hearing music is DA FUQ IS THIS? NO TO MUSIC. NO TO JOY.

- I really enjoy the scene with Clarke and Jasper. You can still feel his anger at Clarke, but...I don’t know...there’s something different about it. I almost feel like Jasper has put aside his anger, and is just...shooting from the hip, rather than from grief? Clarke’s face breaks my heart when he points out how similar it all sounds to them being sent to the ground though.

THE BIG DECISION

- Okay, so first of all...I love that we got to hear everybody’s perspective. This was democracy at work and it wasn’t a decision Bellamy made alone. So we can put that narrative to bed now.

- Minty lives

- I’m actually not going to go in depth on the choice that Bellamy ultimately makes, because I can see both sides and I don’t think either is right or wrong. We don’t have to justify anything here. Yes, perhaps somewhere down the line the squad will realise that the generator really was their only option and the reality of his choice will crash down on Bellamy. But imagine that he had decided to leave the slaves, and then in two weeks time they found a gigantic underground bunker that could fit 10,000 people. He’d feel pretty shit about letting the slaves suffer then, right? The characters don’t know what the future holds, and they don’t have the benefit of knowing they are part of a narrative which ensures that some of them will at least survive.

- So, whatever basically. I’d have been cool with this going either way.

- Stoke that they saved Riley though, obviously.

- Important quote to note... ‘we have Raven.’ I, like Bellamy, believe that Raven Reyes can do anything - including make water out of nothing.

- Also worth noting how...incredibly risky their plan was? Like. Yikes.

- Harper kicking due in the face is my kink.

- MONTY IS SUPER GREAT IN THIS EPISODE. Everything about his reaction to meeting his dads murderer is just exquisitely well done. Leaving his death to the slaves is both powerful and also really quite dark.

Heavy Lies the Crown

- The Clarke/Jaha scene is so good and so hurtful to me.

- Fucking Jaha.

- Clarke referencing her father and being locked up is really important, but...so is the parallel to Jaha’s choices. Ugh. Everything he says is actually so on point, and you can see realisation that Clarke is seeing herself in Jaha is disgusting to her but also unavoidable.

- Back to Kabby. We saw Kane have absolute faith in Abby last episode, so it’s nice to hear her being so sure that he will figure something out (YES, IT’S ALL VERY BELLARKE I KNOW).

- Kane quickly figures out that Abby is going back to Arcadia (judging from the promo, she’s going to be needed). I’m excited for this because more Abby and Clarke, but also maybe some Clarke and Raven please? We get some more gloriously supportive stuff from Kane...

- And then Kane notices that Abby isn’t wearing her necklace! Upon first viewing, I didn’t pick up on the fact that this scene feels a bit cut up. I can see it on second watch, and I can understand that’s frustrating. That being said, I don’t think the scene loses its meaning? To me, the removal of her necklace is Abby’s way of saying she’s ready to move on and it’s her way of saying it to Kane without putting it into words.

- Prayer circle that Abby gives the rings to Clarke.

- LOOK AT HOW MUCH THAT CAPE STANDS OUT OKAY.

- So, I’m skipping straight to the murder. I FUCKING LOVE ITTTTTTTTTTT. I just...I’m so relieved that Octavia’s mudering is FOR her people, and not against. It makes so much sense.

- I can’t help giggling a little at Octavia being so ballsy about dueling these folk. THEY MIGHT ALL BE TONS BETTER THAN YOU, BABE. THEY’VE HAD YEARS TO PRACTICE. But whatever.

- Soooo the stabbing into the earhole to hide the wound and thus make it seem like he died of natural causes is BADASS.

- HEADCANON: Octavia did not learn this tactic on the ground. She learned it as a child when Bellamy was reading her some classic murderous fiction.

- ‘LONG LIVE THE KING.’ Nice.

- Kane is CONCERNED about his daughter’s MURDEROUS WAYS.

- Ilian has also figured it out.

- And Echo too seems suspicious. STICKING A PIN IN THAT FOR THE FUTURE.

Clarke, we have adopted more children

- So Briller are breaking up, and I can’t be mad at the show for it because Jonathan got a new gig and can’t commit (sound familiar, oooh I went there). I do hope that this time around they let him just disappear into the sunset. Learn from your mistakes show.

- Make sure he takes Riley with him.

- Again, kudos to Jonathan for this ep. He really brings it.

- RILEY RILEY RILEY YES WE KNOW THAT IS HIS NAME. STOP.

- Okay, so the scene where Riley and Clarke are revealed as old friends (I have zero romance fears here btw) is HILLARIOUS TO ME. It’s so blatantly shoe horned in. AS IF they would be reunited, hug, and then just...blah. Like...it’s so noodley?

- Anyway, Raven realises there is no generator and Bellamy fesses up to his maternal instincts.

- I actually love Clarke’s ‘you just did’. The delivery doesn’t imply blame to me, which is backed up by how immediately Clarke accepts his choice. It’s more a simple statement of fact, coming from a place of understanding.

- Raven, on the other hand, is pissed. ‘You’re not the only one who has to live with it. As usual.’ This is a direct throwback to Bellamy chucking the radio, right? That’s pertinent to their history. Look, Raven is a spitfire. She’s scared and under pressure, and she hasn’t had to make the leadership calls yet. She clearly will at some point this season, and we’ll see her gain a healthy dose of respect for Clarke and Bellamy when she does. For now, I think her anger is perfect.

- I know ‘no more than a 100′ is really on the nose but I LOVE IT SO SO MUCH. WHO’S GONNA MAKE IT YOU GUYS. AHHHH. MY SHOW.

- BRAVENLARKE FOR LIFE.

- CLARKE QUOTES JAHA AT BELLAMY AND SHE JUST LOOKS SO BROKEN ABOUT IT. My dear girl, you’ll be okay...somehow.

- Clarke is just the accepted leader of Skaikru now and I love it.

- TOGETHER. Looks at Bellamy. OF COURSE SHE DOES. Can we also talk about Raven’s heart eyes towards Clarke? I mean...they fade to ash pretty fast, but just for that moment it’s the purest of loves!

- So, Clarke lies, and just like Bellamy and the generator...I won’t call right or wrong. There is no answer, just a choice.

- ‘Your father would be so proud’ OUCH. OUCH. OUCH. Raven lashing out at Clarke here is much more personal than what she says to Bellamy. It’s more vicious. But I’m still not going to rail on her, for the same reasons as mentioned above. It’s time for her to get to work. I am so excited to see her in this role.

- And so Bellamy repeats ‘we save who we can save today’ and the important thing here is how Clarke nods. She’s not mad. She respects and understands his choice. Most of all she trusts him. Even if she CAN’T understand a choice he makes, she’ll always trust that it came from the right place. They’re a team.

- And to reinforce that, the episode ends with a glorious Bellarke shot as they contemplate what is to come.

- How many episodes will end with a Bellarke shot this season? I say 12/13.

- I AM SO VERY HYPED FOR NEXT WEEK.

My laptop is acting up and I’m as grumpy as a Clarke that hears music playing, so I’m not even re reading this. Apologies for typos. And congratulations if you made it to the end!

#the 100 #the 100 recap #bellarke #bellamy blake #clarke griffin #bob morley #eliza taylor #raven reyes #lindsey morgan

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undyinghappinessblog · 7 years ago

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Catch up

Oh Hiya!

Fuck man, so its been a couple of months since my last entry and a shit ton of stuff has happened. Like a holy fuck ton of stuff has happened...whoops.. Okay, so consider this a catch up/’Previously on..” segment. Also.. Sorry self for not documenting more. I will try to be better for you.

Okay here we go.

Alrigghttt so. This summer was great. Super fuckin busy and hectic, but great. First of all, I turned 24. Yeah...gotta say I definitely felt it this time. Other than when I turned 20 (not a teen anymore...traumatizing) I have never really felt affected by turning another year older, you know? But for some reason, 24 scared the shit out of me...I am sure I will look back on this and laugh...but still. I guess I felt a sort of pang of panic fearing that I won't be able to accomplish all that I want for myself in time...or I’ll be too old. Which is a really stupid thought to have as an artist...ANYWAY I digress.

I performed a staged reading (with blocking and costumes..basically it was a full show with scripts in our hands) of one of Neil Simon’s plays called ‘Rumours’ with a group of incredibly well practiced and experienced actors. I’m talking multiple movie roles, MA in theatre, roles on Big Eyes, iRobot, Smallville, etc. Like these people know what they are doing. I felt like SUCH a noob right from the beginning (rightfully so, I am still incredibly new to this industry). I gotta say it was the most humbling experience I have had with acting so far. I had a very small role, so I mostly sat and watched during rehearsal until it was my turn to speak (which, when the time came, I completely shit my pants haha). But I gotta say, they were all very gracious and kind and willing to teach me and give me advice (Camille Mitchell in particular...SUCH a wonderfully kind woman-I literally had two lines in the whole show and she would always say “Paige, you always know how to affect us all when you get on the scene”..like...HOW SWEET IS THAT.). Another really cool thing about working with experienced actors on an equity run show is that there is no drama what so ever. I have been used to seeing actors become very defensive when given directions on their performance (I have even found myself feeling that way at times), but these guys literally just took the direction, changed the delivery and nailed the scene. AH and the stooorrriiiesss. Man the stories they would all tell together and to each other. I could have listened to them for hours on end. See, these actors had gone to school together, done shows together, seen each other through marriages, divorces, tragedy and their love for acting was still so strong and present through it all. It was so lovely to see and it made me feel so hopeful for the survival of this craft and also my own career. It was an amazing experience and I feel so lucky to have had the honour of sharing the stage with them all.

My roommate and I also made a film this summer. Fuck that was an ordeal. I mean obviously it was so much fucking fun and I want to make more, but holy shit. Making a movie (even if its a short one) is literally like getting ready to have a fucking baby. Like. You need money, you need equipment, you need people to support you, you need permits, you need locations, you need vehicles, you need food, you need costumes, you need a lot of shit. It was stressful man. Haha at one point our house was FULL of camera and lighting equipment, which took hours transporting around. I am really happy and proud to have actually MADE something with people, but fuck. Its a lot of work hahah. I can see why shooting films and shows can take years to make. But at the end of the day, we fuckin made something together. Like. From scratch. And its a film that tells an important story with humour and rebellion and feminism and I am really proud to have been a part of it all.

After shooting our film, I went straight into Sea of Stories rehearsal in White Rock. Which was another huge learning experience for me. Fuck man what a struggle. You’d think a musical about a fuckin suburban town on the coast of BC would be a snap, right? YEAH, NOPE NOT FOR ME. NOT FOR PAIGE. I have never experienced such insecurity and anxiety about my performance in my life. I’m not sure if it was because of the writing (it was very poorly written..a show about White Rock man...what do you expect?), or the fact that I was working two jobs and trying to do everything at once, but fuck. I could just not connect. I had to have private meetings with my director, I was constantly worried about fucking up, or doing it in a way that wasn't how she wanted it, or getting fired, or being seen as unprofessional, the fuckin works man. I was all in my head and I could not get out. All of my cast mates were there for me and would constantly remind me that I would be okay and that I could do this (I played a woman who buried her baby...WITH AN IRISH ACCENT FOR CHRISTS SAKE..I should have been able to do this). But man I tell you, sometimes, out of fuckin no where, anxiety and insecurity hit you and it is a BITCH to battle with on stage. Fuck. I will say that we got really great reviews, everyone loved it (including Julia Stiles, who was expecting her first child with Jan’s son...she gave Tegan and I hugs saying we were ‘great’ and had ‘beautiful singing voices’...I MEAN THATS PRETTY FUCKIN COOL), and I suppose that is why we do it, right? WE do it for the audiences, and as long as they like it, and we are all doing what we fiercely love, thats all that matters really. I am grateful for the experience and for the people I was able to meet. Despite the anxiety and insecurity I experienced, I wouldn't have changed a thing. It was so much fun and I learned a lot about myself that show. I want to say that I over came an amount of something through the experience...but I’m not sure if i will totally know until I get on stage again...We will have to see!

After the show, I went home for a week to celebrate my sister’s birthday. I havent been there for her birthday in years, and I was ready to come home for a while. But I gotta say, as nice and comforting it was to be home with my family again, there was definitely a sense of sadness and shame for missing out on everything that was happening there when I was gone. My sister is struggling to find her place in the world and my mum is very nervous about her, my cousin (who is literally like my second sister) is getting married, my grandmas are getting older, the kids I used to babysit are getting older...its all just changing so fast and I am not around to see it. Seeing all of this change made me so emotional man. It just made me realize that while I am out here so focused on my career and trying to get involved with as many things as I have energy for, my loved ones are changing...much like I am...it just made me sad to not be there to share it with them and witness it all for myself...

I suppose thats natural though..right?

After coming back to Van, I performed at a small venue just across the street from my place. It was at the back of a restaurant and had a very narrow black box stage. My friend Missy, who I have been doing women’s performance boutiques with for about a year had rented the space, but her original plans fell through and the group of us performed all of our works for four nights. I feel so lucky to be apart of a community of such strong and beautiful female artists to connect with and to look up to and to collaborate with. I felt so connected and protected by and for these women I performed with. I wrote a monologue about what a panic attack felt like for me, which basically ended up being a staged panic attack at a bus stop hahaha. I got a really great response from it by the audience though. People would come up to me saying that they knew what that felt like, and that it was very brave to show such a vulnerable part of myself. But the thing is, I didn't feel like it was brave at all. Or vulnerable...it felt so natural for me to be up there, telling these people my story so openly. Maybe its because anxiety has become such a fuckin prominent thing to deal with in my life and I feel it everyday...I don't know. But hearing from and meeting other people who knew what it felt like made me feel like I was doing something right with my life. Like I am on the right path. Telling stories to connect with other people and making them feel normal and letting them know that they belong somewhere. Its pretty amazing. Fuck man...this is my job...Hahaha how crazy is that?

Immediately after the boutique, I did a staged reading of Thomas Hardy’s Far from the Madding Crowd with Tegan and a few other great people I was happy to meet and play with for a couple of weeks. I read for the part of Cainy Ball, so my part was smaller, but it was such a fun character to play with and perform. Fuck I love working with Tegan, man. I think she's going to be one of my creative partners in this life. I think we could make gold together...and Im pretty sure we will. I’m going to keep her for a good, long while, I think.

Alright..so that pretty much brings us up to date! I’ll be back with more when theres a personal crisis or a rant session I need to get off my chest (as I do)!

....Stay...classy?

I’ll come up with a better closing statement..

Fuck...

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