#the only thing i’m absolutely certain about re: the finale is that it’s going to fuck me up beyond all belief

[snapbackbuck]

today i’m thinking about how bobby has always believed the life he built sits on the ashes of his family and the 148 people he killed. and that one day he’s going to face his dead family in the afterlife and have to apologize not just for killing them, not just for not dying with them, but for living past them. for building a life and relationships and love beyond them. but honestly? i think when bobby is facing the light in the tunnel, when he has one foot in the grave and he’s ready to step fully into it because that’s the only way he thinks he can make amends, i think he’s going to see his family and they’re going to tell him they already forgave him long ago. they don’t want his death as penance, they don’t want him to cut short the life he’s built just to join them. maybe they’re still sitting at that kitchen table and eating a dinner that never ends, maybe not—but they don’t want him to join them at that table before it’s his time, and that time hasn’t come yet. at the end of the day bobby thinks his death is something that’s owed to other people, and what he needs to realize is that his life is something he needs to claim for himself. all this to say: i need bobby to have his angels in america moment and choose to fight his way back to the family he built, and i need him to realize that he built it on stable ground, even if it didn’t feel like it at the time.

[jeneveuxrein]

inevitable (BLACKPINK Jennie)

word count: 7.5K

(something light, in a sense it’s the prequel to best behavior, but my apologies for not getting this out when it was supposed to be, enjoy!)

-- --

The question is out of your mouth before you could stop yourself. It’s become a habit more than anything, but you promised it would be something you break in the new year.

You just didn’t expect the answer to change.

“Okay, Tuesday works.”

Your jaw almost drops, but your lips stay in a straight line, slowly curling up. If you’re being honest, you want to scream at the top of your lungs because finally.

“Sweet,” You answer nonchalantly. “I’ll text you, yeah?”

“Sure,” The woman stands from the barstool, a soft smile on her face. One you’re not familiar with, especially directed at you. It’s sincere, and personal that it almost feels like you’re seeing a side that’s been waiting to be shown. There’s something in your chest that blooms. “See you then.”

A small wave from her friend has you returning it back, watching them walk away. You hear giggles, and you know she could never keep her excitement to herself.

It sets in quickly as the door shuts behind the pair, internally fist pumping. All the time and effort finally paid off.

Kim Jennie said yes.

-- --

You laughed at Lisa’s joke, sipping your beer as you leaned against the counter. She was telling a story about how one of her dancers walked in on her changing, ogling a second too long that she ran out of the room. Only things like this would happen to her.

Someone asked a question when she walked in.

You almost dropped your drink because there was no one that had ever caught your attention like she did.

She practically lit up the room, and for some reason, you felt a little lighter. You didn’t believe in love at first sight, but this felt pretty damn close.

You played your cool, not wanting to seem too forward, too eager, to talk to her. That didn’t mean your eyes glanced away, they kept searching for her in the room as Jisoo pulled her into whoever they walked by. There were handshakes and hugs, and you wondered where you’d fall.

Your heartbeat lightly thudded on your chest when they were a few feet away. You’d soon get to meet her, and you hoped you wouldn’t make a fool of yourself.

“Jendeukie,” Jisoo fondly called her as they stood in front of you. She introduced your name. You froze when your eyes met her—love at first sight never seemed so close, because you’d have to bet she felt it too.

Whatever it was.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Jennie extended her hand out, a shy smile in her face

“Right back at you,” Throwing her a wink as her hand gripped around your palm. You noticed how soft her hand was, small too, but there was something about it that just fit right.

“Oppa! Don’t you dare,” Jisoo slapped your arm enough for your hand to drop Jennie’s. “I refuse to let the mandu be part of your list. Absolutely not.” She shook her head, disapproving already when you hadn’t said more than four words to her.

Jisoo dragged Jennie away before you could respond.

Lisa chuckled next to you, shaking her head. She knew you too well to know you were instantly attracted to the woman. It was obvious on your face. “Please don’t.”

“I’m going to marry her,” You said simply.

Lisa almost spit out her drinking. You weren’t one to mention commitment when you were dating all these women, let alone marriage.

“What?”

“I’m going to marry Jennie,” You shrugged, as if it was for certain, a small smile formed on your face when your eyes met her across the room.

A smile returned.

--

You groaned, frustrated again at Jennie’s rejection. You didn’t understand why she was being difficult. You thought she was interested in you.

“Unnie said no again, huh?” Rosie asked, chuckling as the waiter took away the empty plates.

“I literally don’t get it,” You shook your head at your phone screen, re-reading Jennie’s no. “Does she not like me?”

Rosie rolled her eyes, used to your dramatics. “She probably doesn’t like you the way you do if she’s said no four times already.”

It had been a month since you met Jennie, and you saw her frequently, thanks to Lisa inviting you to come along. At first, you didn’t want to go, but she’d slip in that Jennie would be there too. It was an easy decision to join whatever they did, even though you’d end up taking an insane amount of pictures.

Jennie was shy.

Or, at the very least, shy around you.

You would describe it as ‘shy’ because she hardly interacted with you. You had to approach her first, grasping at straws to have any kind of conversation with her.

You were able to get her number one night after clubbing, mentioning this restaurant that you thought she would like. It was the perfect segue to ask her out, but you later saw on her socials she went with one of her friends. She did, however, message you a thank you for the recommendation.

“I don’t get why you’re trying so hard,” Rosie commented as you pouted at your device. “Jennie’s never had a boyfriend, and sorry if it’s harsh, but I genuinely don’t think you’d be her first serious relationship.”

Something you knew very early on, but you were aware of the effect she had on men and women alike. You witnessed a lot of people ask her out. She entertained it, flirting right in front of you.

It wasn’t like you could say anything. You were just some guy that was around Jennie. You weren’t even sure she considered you a friend.

“You’re right,” You flip your phone over. “It’s probably not meant to be.”

You knew you wouldn’t listen to Rosie. There was something in your gut that told you to keep trying.

It felt inevitable.

--

You were almost at your breaking point. You didn’t know what would push you over the edge, but you were sure it was close.

Jennie said no again.

You offhandedly asked her to dinner after walking her to the train station. You took the opportunity to be alone with her while the others took a car to their respective homes.

You were thankful for your ‘friendship’ that had developed over the past few months. It had gotten to the point where you could hold a conversation, and she wouldn’t look at you with a blank stare. She even sometimes approached you, asking how you were and what was going on in your life.

Yet, you couldn’t figure it out.

Some days she’d always be near you, keeping you within arms reach.

Other days, she’d hardly look your way.

Rosie was also confused by Jennie’s attitude toward you. It took some time, but after a while, over a quick bite after work, she asked you if anything was going on. You couldn’t give her an answer since you were trying to make something happen, but rejection was always the outcome. Rosie didn’t know what was going on. She even went on to tell you that she asked Jennie herself how she felt about you, but she couldn’t get an answer out of her.

You were rolling with the punches at this point.

Christmas was around the corner and you wanted to do coupley things with someone, but the someone you wanted to do it with was making it difficult.

The worst part of hearing another rejection was that you had to see Jennie this evening.

Sana was hosting a holiday get-together slash birthday party before your friends leave to spend the end of the year with their families. She was adamant that you had to go because there was a surprise that you didn’t want to miss. When it came to Sana, you had to be weary. It took a bit of convincing, but you reluctantly said yes when all you wanted to do was stay home and play video games, especially with how work had been going.

Lisa mentioned earlier in the week that Jennie would also be there, which your enthusiasm to be at the same place with her waned these past few weeks. You’d be happy to see her, but at the same time, the no thank you she gave you echoed in your head.

You arrived at Sana’s, knocking on the door as you waited for someone to answer. You heard the sound of conversation on the other side, which meant the party was in full swing. A moment later, Momo opened the door, face lighting up as soon as she saw you.

“Oppa! You made it,” Momo greeted, hugging you briefly before ushering you in. You weren’t used to her being this excited to see you. She usually just gave you a nod, but as soon as you entered, you felt something was up.

“Hi Momo,” You smiled, handing her the bottle of wine Sana demanded you bring as you took your shoes off.

“Go to the kitchen,” Momo nodded encouragingly, the same smile still on her face when you walked in.

This is weird, you thought before doing exactly what she said.

You said your hello’s to a few of your friends, who had the same excitement on their face as you walked by.

You saw Jennie across the room, next to one of her friends, Hyujin, and Jisoo, laughing at something the latter was saying. She looked up as soon as you walked by. You didn’t say anything except shooting her a small smile before reaching the kitchen.

You scanned the room, noting the food and alcohol spread prepared by Sana, before your eyes fell on the back of someone familiar. You couldn’t quite place it, but you saw this person conversing with Sana and Lisa.

Sana shrieked when she realized you were there, halting most, if not all, of the conversations in her apartment.

“Oppa! Come here!” Sana waved you over, and as she did, the person in question turned around and you couldn’t help the grin forming on your face. “Look who it is,” She pointed excitedly.

Mina.

--

Being in the presence of your ex-girlfriend was a pleasant surprise.

You hadn’t seen Mina since she graduated and moved back to Japan. You spoke with her a few times, wishing birthdays mostly, but that was the extent. You kept up with her socials and whatever Sana or Momo would tell you, and from what you gathered, she had been doing great.

She was also still as beautiful as you remembered. Time had made her even more so, that you felt you were in the presence of a goddess.

You told her exactly that, which was met with an eye roll and a cheeky smile.

“Still with the compliments?” Mina shook her head, cheeks turning red as she sipped her wine.

“Never enough for you,” You leaned forward, hand resting on the back of the seat.

To your friends, the witnesses of your relationship, they wouldn’t think anything of it. It was a familiar sight to be close with Mina, regardless of how much time has passed. They knew how hard it was on you when the relationship ended, but everyone knew that it wouldn’t last. She was always meant to go back to Japan. There was an expiration date the moment you decided to be together.

Could you have followed her to Japan? Yes, but would you? Probably not.

You were in love with her, but you were glad you experienced your first heartbreak with her.

It was a lot of catching up, talking about what happened then, in between, and now. Mina was doing well for herself, developing games for one of the country's biggest companies. She lived a simple life, hanging out with her friends and occasionally traveling with her family abroad.

You were proud of who she had become. She wasn’t the same woman you fell in love with all those years ago–shy, reserved–that much was obvious. She was still shy, but there was an air of confidence around her that wasn’t there before. She glowed, smiling at your stories and laughing at your antics. You could tell she was proud of you too.

The topic of relationships came up, which Mina told you candidly that she was seeing someone. His name was Kyo, a bit of a hot-head, but he was only ever like that with his cousins. You were happy she found someone who drew her out of her shell.

In love always looked good on her, even if that meant it wasn’t with you.

“What about you?” Mina placed her wine glass on the counter, the rest of your friends in their own conversations around you. They’d join in, but ultimately left you two in your own space.

“What about me?” You sighed. “I haven’t really dated anyone since you.”

Mina tilted her head, analyzing your face. It was jarring whenever she did that. She always said there were ‘tells’ when you liked someone, even on a superficial level. Having been her friend before you started dating, she could figure out if there was a crush involved.

“There’s something you’re not telling me,” Mina’s eyes squinted, lip pouting as she took her eyes off you to look behind you. “But then will you tell me why I’ve been on the receiving end of a death glare since you sat down with me?” You almost turned around, but she rushed out, “Don’t.”

“What’re you talking about?” You raised an eyebrow, confused.

“You like someone, and they’re here, aren’t they?”

Leave it to Mina who could always see right through you.

A dejected yes fell from your lips, shoulders dropping as you quietly explained the situation with Jennie. There wasn’t much to say except you had been asking her out for quite some time, but it hadn’t gotten anywhere.

“I don’t know her, but if I had to wager, she probably likes you too.”

There was no way.

Jennie hadn’t come up to you since you arrived. You hadn’t even thought of her until now, too swept up with Mina’s presence .

“Doubtful.”

Mina made a humming sound before changing the subject, not commenting on it anymore. You didn’t have it in you to ask.

--

You waited for the elevator when you heard a set of footsteps approaching you. Your pulse quickened when you saw Jennie and Hyujin walking towards you. You decided to leave the party as soon as Jeongyeon suggested the start of playing games, mainly because you didn’t want to referee disagreements between Jihyo and Nayeon. It somehow always fell on you.

“Hi,” You bowed your head slightly the closer the pair got to you.

Hyujin smiled, giving you a soft hey as she stood next to you. The other woman looked at you with a tight smile before facing the elevator.

“Oh, shit,” Hyujin said after looking through her purse, “I have Jisoo’s keys. I’ll be back. If the elevator comes, I’ll just meet you in the lobby.”

Hyujin took off right as the elevator doors opened. You internally groaned as Jennie walked in, following after her.

Once the elevator door closed, you felt the hairs on your neck stand. The air around you suddenly felt tense, and you didn’t know what to do. You watched the numbers decrease, the elevator descending that it felt like forever being in such close quarters with her.

“How was your night?” Jennie’s voice came out so softly. You almost didn’t hear her.

“Oh, uh, well it was great.”

“Good. I’m glad,” You braced yourself, sensing her next question. “You spent a lot of time talking with Mina-ssi. How do you two know each other?”

“She’s my ex-girlfriend,” You raised your arm to scratch the back of your head. You had no reason to feel embarrassed, but you felt the need to explain yourself. “We dated in school, but broke up because she moved back to Japan. We’re still cordial.”

Jennie turned her head slightly, giving you an inscrutable expression. You still couldn’t figure her out, but if you had to describe it, she looked annoyed.

“Ex-girlfriend?” You didn’t miss the way she emphasized the first part. “It seemed a little cozy between you two.”

You were getting baited, and you fell for it.

“Mina has a boyfriend,” You deadpanned, crossing your arms.

“Sure she does,” Jennie rolled her eyes. “She didn’t act like she had one.”

Whatever she implied, you wouldn’t have any of it. You had always been protective of Mina, and her comment pissed you off.

“You don’t know her, so watch what you’re saying,” You said lowly, eyes glaring as she turned her body to face you.

“If I had a boyfriend, I don’t think he’d like me cozying up with someone that wasn’t him.”

“Why do you care?” You turned, nearly towering over her as she looked up, “Why do you care what Mina does? Wait, I think the better question is, why do you care what I do?”

Jennie scoffed, shaking her head, “I don’t know how that relates to anything-”

“I know you were staring at us when we spoke. Mina felt it across the room,” You cut her off. You took a small step forward, invading her space when you heard her breath hitch. “Jealous?” You grinned as her eyes widened.

The elevator ringing broke whatever trance you two were in. You stepped back, giving Jennie space as you watched her shake her head.

“Goodnight Jennie. I’ll see you around,” You say quietly, nodding as you walk away.

You didn’t know what the hell that was, but you didn’t look back. Your thoughts were in a mess because you saw a glimpse of how Jennie felt.

You couldn’t get your hopes up again.

-- --

“Just checking in,” The waitress serving your table is here again, for the fourth time. “Your date will be arriving soon, yes?”

“Yes,” You lie because you haven’t heard from Jennie since this morning to confirm the time and location. “She’s stuck in some bad traffic.”

The waitress nods politely, walking away before she stands among her colleagues. They whisper something, shooting you pitiful looks and it adds to the sting of how the night’s unfolding.

Jennie’s late.

Today is also her birthday, which you were completely unaware of.

The only reason you know is because later in the morning, while checking your socials, Lisa posted a picture of a birthday greeting to Jennie. You immediately called Rosie to make sure, uncaring that you woke her up in the middle of the night since she was in Australia. She hung up as soon as she said yes.

You didn’t think Jennie would want to spend part of her birthday with you, of all people. You also didn’t think she wouldn’t share this piece of information with you. Your mistake for not knowing it was her birthday because she only ever said it was at the beginning of the year. Sure, you could have asked for an exact date, but still.

This wasn’t how you expected things to go.

Things were weird between you and Jennie after Sana’s party. You didn’t bother meeting with them when Lisa invited you. You had to clear your head because all these mixed signals from Jennie were throwing you off. If you were in the same vicinity, especially with the not-tense exchange in the elevator, you were sure you’d say something you’d regret. You were still surprised she didn’t slap you for what you said. It was warranted.

You saw her right before the year ended, and things were the same–in a way.

You still spoke to each other the same, but there was something between you that you couldn’t ignore. She felt it too. There was some truth to what you said, even if it was very little, because she acted very much like a jealous girlfriend. You contemplated talking to Lisa about it, someone who gave reasonable advice, but opted not to because Lisa had been trying to get you two together, that it would make her try harder.

Jennie was more guarded than when you first met her. She was still polite and open to talking to you, but you got the impression there was more she wanted to say. She never did, leaving you to wonder.

Then, you happened to be meeting Jinseok and Habin for drinks after work when you saw Jennie sitting alone at the bar. You didn’t want to say hello, but something compelled you to. When you approached, Jennie’s face lit up in surprise, but a small smile formed. You made small talk, asking about her day and what she was doing there, which she said she was waiting for Hyujin in the ladies’ room before they went off to dinner.

You couldn’t help yourself from asking will you go on a date with me, but the words fell from your mouth. You froze, realizing that you didn’t intend to ask her out again, but it happened and she actually agreed.

Jennie chose today as the day, but she’s not even here. You were losing hope that she was even going to show since she’s thirty minutes late. The sympathetic looks you’re receiving from the staff has you feeling low.

You fold the napkin on your lap, placing it on the table. You couldn’t wait anymore, chalking this date as a fluke. She probably didn’t mean to say yes.

When you turn to wave your waitress over, you’re met with the sight of Jennie rushing towards you. She pants, out of breath, once she reaches the table, shaking her head.

“I’m so sorry,” You hear her say, watching her lean on the chair. “My phone died as I was leaving my place, and there was traffic because of the snow.”

You lower your hand, giving her an understanding nod. It didn’t matter if she was another thirty minutes late. None of that matters now because she was always going to show up.

“Happy birthday, Jen,” You say softly, standing to help her take her coat off.

She gives you the brightest smile, which has you absolutely giddy.

--

It’s getting late, but no one in the restaurant seems to mind. It’s practically empty except for a couple of the staff–your waitress included–as they begin setting up to close. You assume they wanted to see how the night would pan out.

This has been the best date you’ve ever been on, and you hope that there’s another and another.

It’s different being with Jennie like this.

You’re so used to being with her with other people around, that being alone with her made you nervous you wouldn’t have anything to talk about. Surprisingly, you had a lot to talk about. She’s much more open with you, telling you about her day and how her coworkers held her up after work to ask more details about the date she was going on. You teased her, which she took in stride because it was a big deal she had a date. She explained she didn’t talk that much about her private life, but it slipped out that she had plans with someone–a man of all people–to celebrate her birthday.

“I didn’t even know it was your birthday. I found out through Lisa’s post.”

“Well, I didn’t want you to think it was a big deal.”

It is a big deal that you’re spending part of her birthday with her, and she knows it. She’s making a statement, and you think you’re understanding it correctly.

You’re also learning Jennie’s much more expressive than she lets on. She’s generally cool and collected, smiling at the right times, when she’s around you and her friends. She’s animated when she tells you about herself, what she likes, dislikes, and how she cried watching a recent drama because it was so sweet. You’ve watched her expressions change throughout the night as she tells you things you’ve never heard about her.

“You didn’t have to pay,” Jennie looks away when the waitress picks up the bill, your card tucked in between the folds. “I’m still sorry for being late.”

“It’s fine,” You wave her off. You planned to pay anyway, regardless if it was her birthday or not. You cared the most about Jennie showing up. She scared you a bit running late, but she’s here.

“You say it is, but I feel terrible about it,” You can tell she means it. “I didn’t want you to be upset.”

“Jennie,” You say softly, reaching for her hand on the table, hoping it wouldn’t be too much. She doesn’t flinch, thankfully. “It’s okay. You’re here. I’m honored you wanted to spend part of today with me.”

“Still,” Jennie pouts, and it makes you want to kiss it away.

“Answer me this then,” You rub the back of her hand with your thumb, “Why’d you finally say yes? I’ve been asking you out for months.”

You can see the wheels turning in her head as she formulates an answer. The waitress is back with the paid bill, giving her time to think of a response as you sign. Once you shut the book, you wait expectantly.

Jennie sighs, this time reaching for your hand, absentmindedly playing with your fingers, “I couldn’t really give you an answer. I’ve seen how you interact with girls and Jisoo-unnie has been in my ear about how you’re a player and not good to women. She even went as far to call you a pig,” You couldn’t stop the eyeroll if you wanted to, which Jennie doesn’t miss. “But after seeing how you were with Mina, it’d made me think Jisoo’s wrong, and that it’d be nice to be with you like that.”

“So you were jealous,” You smirk behind your wine glass. Jennie pinches your skin, but quickly soothes the area with her finger.

“I wouldn’t call it jealousy,” Jennie shakes her head, adding, “I don’t get jealous.”

“Sure.” She’s in denial, but this is still too new for you to start joking with her like that–whatever this is.

“Anyways, I saw a side of you I’ve never seen,” Jennie’s gaze meets yours. “I just thought that could be with me.”

You take a moment to process everything she said, but it’s all jumbled with how she’s looking at you.

The only thought you have right now is that you want to kiss her.

--

“Jennie,” You groan as your back hits the doorknob, metal digging into your body as she presses herself against you.

“What?” Jennie murmurs against your lips, hands swiftly moving to unbutton your coat, shrugging the article of clothing down your shoulders before it hits the hardwood floor.

“We don’t have to do anything,” You moan out after her teeth bite gently on your bottom lip.

You didn’t think the night would end like this.

You offered her a ride home since you drove, and you didn’t exactly trust a stranger since it was late. She declined at first because she lived on the other side of the city, and she didn’t want you to go out of your way. She relented after assuring her that you wanted to, adding sweetly that it was making up for the time spent waiting for her.

You couldn’t explain it, but something shifted once you entered the car. The tension was palpable that you couldn’t do anything but focus on the road. At one point, Jennie took your hand and placed it on her thigh. Her fingers played with your hand, lightly brushing over your skin that had your body shivering underneath her touch.

If Jennie noticed your internal struggle, she didn’t say anything. She kept on talking as if your body wasn’t having a visceral reaction.

As soon as you parked in the driveway, shutting the car off, Jennie turned to you, fingers interlaced, “Do you want to come inside?”

You berated yourself for making a simple question sound so dirty, but you nodded dumbly as Jennie smiled. She let go of your hand and turned away to open the car door. You hurried out of the car to get the door for her, which you were able to open it enough for her to stand up. When you shut the door, she leaned against the car, looking up at you.

Neither of you moved, but all of a sudden, her lips were on yours and your hand shot out to grip the car frame. Her arms encircled around your neck, pulling your body flush against hers. You heard the soft moan as your tongue grazed her bottom lip, automatically granting you access that ignites a fire.

You thought of your first kiss with Jennie in your head multiple times, but the reality was so much better. Her lips were soft, but demanding, as the months leading up this moment boiled over. You felt all the pent up energy in your body leave as your tongues wrestled in a frenzy.

Jennie pulled away, breaking the kiss, as her hand found its way on your chest to gently push you off. You didn’t say anything as she dragged you towards the entrance, dazed from the kiss.

You probably should have paid more attention to your surroundings, but you wrapped your arms around Jennie as she inserted the key into the lock, making sure she knew exactly how she made you feel.

Once the door opened, Jennie pounced.

“I know we don’t,” Jennie tears her lips off yours, trailing kisses on your jaw. “I want you.”

“Are you sure?” Your control’s slipping when she sucks lightly on your neck. You want her, that much was obvious. You also want her in the morning and the next.

“Yes, and before you ask again, yes,” Jennie leans back to look at you, giving you a small nod that she feels the same.

You’re about to say something when Jennie drops to her knees, hands unbuckling your belt and untucking your dress shirt. Your head falls back, hitting the door as she quickly undoes the button.

“I want,” You try to get out but Jennie palms you through your briefs, “To go out again.”

“We will,” Jennie nods, slipping her hand underneath the waistband before a soft fist encircles around your cock. “You’re bigger than I imagined,” She comments as she strokes you slowly.

It goes straight to your head as she frees you from the confines of the fabric, shrugging your pants down mid-thigh. You watch her eyes widen as she sees your cock up close.

“Jennie,” You grit out, the sight of your cock over her face has you losing your balance. You’re thankful the door’s holding you upright.

Jennie gives you an innocent look before her next move has her everything but. She pokes her tongue, flicking your tip, that has you pressing your weight against the door. Your hands ball into a fist as you watch her kiss all over your cock. She licks up and down, swirling over the tip, and you can’t help the guttural groan leaving your body as her lips wrap around the head.

That’s when you knew you were in trouble.

You’re entranced as Jennie slowly takes more of you inside her mouth. You could cum right then and there, and you almost do the moment your tip touches her throat. She coughs slightly, pulling back for air.

“I don’t think I could take you right now,” Jennie whispers, gaze locked on you while her hands don’t remain idle.

“Practice makes perfect,” You quip, ignoring the tension in your stomach as her mouth engulfs you again. Her cheeks hollow out, the suction causing your eyes to roll back. “You’re so good.”

“Am I?” Your cock’s out of her mouth, a resounding pop echoes through the house.

“Yes,” You nod, bringing a gentle hand to thread through her locks. Her expression darkens, eyes filled with lust that has you wondering how far you could go. “So good.”

Jennie raises herself, keeping her hand around your cock. You gulp when she leans against you, breath against your lips, “As much as I’d like to drain you with my mouth, which I will at some point, I need this,” She squeezes your cock, the pain never felt so good, “Inside me.”

You can’t do anything but nod. Jennie literally has you in the palm of her hands, and if she wanted you to fuck her, who are you to say no?

--

You’re doing everything you possibly can to not snap your hips forward. You’ve resorted to doing mental math because the sensation of Jennie’s pussy wrapped around your cock has your head(s) spinning.

Her walls pulse as your length sinks deeper into her. You couldn’t ignore the sounds falling from her mouth, the soft moans and breathy sighs as her body takes you in.

It isn’t without preparation because you spent a fair amount of time in between her legs. You might’ve gotten drunk on her taste, that she had to physically pull you off from overstimulation. You didn’t know how many times she came, but it was evident on your face and the bedsheet.

“You’re too big,” Jennie pants out, hands wrapped around your wrist, gripping tightly that her nails dig into your skin.

“We can stop,” It pains you to say that, but you don’t want to hurt her.

Jennie frantically shakes her head, biting her lip, “No no no. I want it, please.”

“Baby,” The nickname leaves your mouth easily, and her pussy twitches, “Just breathe.”

Her grip loosens as you watch her chest rise slowly before expelling a long breath. Your jaw clenches as you feel your cock slide in more, and you shouldn’t have glanced down.

It’s absolutely filthy the way she sucks you in. You’re over halfway in, and you genuinely didn’t know if you’d be able to last.

“Kiss me.”

You bring your lips down, distracting her and yourself. She moans into your mouth, greedily swallowing every sound and breath as she wraps her arms around your shoulders, pulling you deeper into her body.

“Fuck,” Jennie’s head snaps back, tearing her lips away as her little move brings all of you in.

You swear you feel something leave your body, whether it was your impending orgasm or your soul, you didn’t know. All you know is that having Jennie wrapped around you—tight, wet, and hot—has you burying your face in the crook of her neck.

“You feel so good,” You groan against her skin, pussy tightening at the praise. “Jennie,” You choke out.

“Tell me I’m good,” Jennie commands quietly, and there’s a shift in the air, something you’ve never experienced with any of the women you’ve been with—something darker.

“Who said you were?” You taunt, nipping softly at her ear.

“You don’t think so?” Jennie plays dirty, wrapping her legs around your waist, pulling you deeper into her that has both of you sucking in a breath.

“That definitely wasn’t good,” You grit out as you subtly shift your hips, eyes rolling back as she chuckles.

“I’m sure you could make me,” She kisses you sweetly on the cheek before saying, “You know you want to.”

Things go downhill, or uphill, depending on how you look at it.

In that very moment, her words break something inside you, unleashing the control you tried so hard to keep. You don’t give her, or yourself, any notice when you slide your length out, keeping your tip snug between her lips before thrusting back in, her body jolting at the movement.

“God, yes,” Jennie moans, her limbs hugging you tighter to her body as you start bucking into her, hands sliding underneath her small frame.

You’re not sure if you black out, but the only thing spurring you on is Jennie’s moans and breath on the side of your face as you pump in and out of her slick. You thought it would be difficult, given how long it took for her to take you, but as you move easily within her body, thrusting and rolling your hips to hit that spot inside of her. It’s like she was made for you.

“Jen,” You don’t recognize your voice after a particularly hard thrust and squeeze from her, signaling that you were close.

“That fast?” You don’t need to see her face to know she’s smirking, but it’s a façade. The way she’s pulsing around you proves she’s right there with you.

“You feel so fucking good,” And her pussy reacts, squeezing as her breath hitches, nails scratching down your back. “You like hearing that, huh? Be good for me, baby.”

It happens suddenly, knocking the wind out of you as Jennie’s body seizes, back arching, chest pushed against yours when she screams. A gush of wetness covers you as her orgasm rips through her body, triggering yours that you had no time to pull out. You capture her lips, groaning as you paint her insides white, hips stuttering as her walls throb—pulse—along your cock.

Jennie whines as her wombs fill with your essence, moaning, whispering how good it feels inside her. She rocks her hips, making sure she milks you dry before her limbs sprawl out on the bed.

You’re usually not this reckless, especially when it comes to sex. You tend to use protection, but that seemed to go out the window. Jennie was too determined, too tempting, too hot that it didn’t cross your mind—at all.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” You mutter, pulling quickly out as your lust-filled mind clears. Jennie lets out a small gasp. “Fuck I’m so sorry.”

“What? Hey, where are you going?!” Jennie’s legs try to wrap around you before you step away, but you’re quicker.

“We didn’t use protection,” You say harshly, shaking your head at your carelessness.

“Okay? And?” Jennie sits up as you start pacing back and forth in front of her. “I’m clean and on the pill. Are you?”

“Of course I am. I get tested regularly,” You roll your eyes, slightly offended by her accusation.

“Okay, so we’re fine. If I wanted to use a condom, I would’ve made you put one on, so can you just come back to bed. You’re stressing over literally nothing,” Jennie reaches for your arm, pulling you to stand in front of her. “It was great,” She places a soft kiss on your stomach, peering up at you. “Lay with me.”

Jennie’s stronger than she lets on, pulling you down to lay next to her. She rests her head on your chest, locking a leg over yours so you have nowhere to go. It calms you, being wrapped around by her. You sigh contentedly as her finger absentmindedly traces over your abdomen.

“You know,” Jennie says quietly, “I’m sorry for how I’ve been with you since the day we met.”

“You had your reservations, it’s understandable,” You place a soft kiss on her forehead. “But I swear that I’m not that much of a fuckboy as Jisoo makes me out to be.”

Jennie chuckles, shaking her head, “I see that. I do. I think I can trust you.”

“Are you saying you want to be my girlfriend? One date was all it took?” You tease, earning a light slap.

“Maybe take me out some more, and I can see us being together,” Jennie kisses underneath your jaw.

Something blooms in your chest, that same feeling you had when you first saw Jennie all those months ago. It’s scary to feel this strongly about her so quickly, but you’ll lean into the feeling because whether you want to or not, you know you’ll fall in love with her.

If you haven’t already.

“And with how you are in bed,” Jennie murmurs against your skin, “I’m not entirely keen on sharing you with anyone.”

You don’t plan on being with anyone else after her because there’s something there that only she could get to.

Instead of being all sweet and romantic, you opt to respond with a joke, “So you are the jealous type.”

“Possessive might be a better word,” Jennie whispers seductively. “I’m sure it would take very little from me to make you mine.”

“Do I want to be yours?” You quip, rubbing her skin softly.

“I’m sure I could convince you,” Jennie mumbles, kissing you sweetly one last time before she climbs on top of you. “Right?” Her eyes narrow as she subtly grinds along your cock, waking at the movement.

“Maybe,” You nod, eyes locked on her as she smirks.

“Can you go again? Or do you need a break?” Jennie bends forward, meeting your lips with hers. She dips her tongue into your mouth and you moan softly against her.

“I might need some help,” You say sheepishly as she giggles.

“I want you in my mouth anyways,” Jennie murmurs, trailing her lips down your neck as she shifts her body. “I’ll be good.”

And fuck you know she will be.

-- --

“I love you,” Jennie drunkenly mumbles against your lips, wrapping her arms around your neck as she tries to deepen the kiss.

“Baby,” You smile, trying to keep this kiss as PG as possible given you’re at a club with all of your friends.

“I do,” Jennie pulls away, pouting.

That’s the thing you’ve learned about Jennie these past few months. She doesn’t talk about her feelings a lot, but when she does, it’s one of the things you love the most about her.

And yes, you love her. You’re in love with her. You told her after three months of making it official. She didn’t say it back, nor did you expect to. She keeps her feelings to herself, only sharing them with her closest friends. As time went on, she opened up, telling you how she felt in not so many words, but enough to know she was falling for you, hard.

“I love you too, Jen,” You grin, watching her roll her eyes underneath the strobe lights.

“You’re not hearing me, I love you,” Jennie crosses her arms. “Like I’m in love with you.”

Oh.

“You’re drunk,” You shake your head because her telling you she’s in love with you, drunk, in the club, with all your friends around, wasn’t how you expected this confession.

“I am,” Jennie nods, scooting closer to you enough to swing her legs over yours. “But I know what I’m saying and I’m in love with you.”

“You’ll tell me again in the morning?” You raise an eyebrow, not wanting to get your hopes up.

Jennie nods, leaning forward to kiss you again. “I’ll show you just how much I love you till then.”

You tap her legs, moving them away, before standing up. “Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?” Jennie asks as you pull her up, interlacing your fingers together.

“Home,” You say simply, and she gives you the brightest smile before nodding.

“Make me cum tonight, yeah?” Jennie whispers seductively in your ear.

Like you won’t.

--

You’ve always been a light sleeper, and when you feel the bed dip, you wake up slowly. You watch Jennie slip on your shirt, feet padding into the bathroom.

Last night was intense in the best kind of way.

Jennie showed you exactly how much she loved you by the way she rode you until you came inside her. She wouldn’t let you rest, keeping your cock inside of her until you got hard again. She begged you to keep fucking her, the word daddy got thrown around, and that was it for you.

Right before she came, she told you she loved you again and you let her come around your cock as you fucked her from behind, thrusting inside of her before you met your release.

Jennie’s back in the room, sliding underneath the blanket before snuggling into your side. “I know you’re awake.”

“What gave me away?” You ask, clearing your throat when you realize your voice is thick with sleep.

“You always wake up whenever I leave the bed,” Jennie murmurs.

“Can’t help that I miss you as soon as you go.”

“Such a sweet talker,” Jennie giggles, “But I do have something to tell you.”

You wait, giving her the time she needs to gather her thoughts.

Jennie lets out a shaky breath before looking at you, “I love you. Like I’m in love with you, and you know that I’m not really someone who expresses my feelings, but yeah I’m in love with you. I think I was always going to since the day I met you.”

You smile, closing your eyes contentedly. “Thanks.”

“What?” Jennie slaps your chest. “Say it back!”

“I love you, Jen,” You open one eye, “You’ve known this.”

“I know,” Jennie huffs, slapping your chest again. “But still.”

“Careful, I don’t need you getting all soft on me now,” You tease and she huffs against your neck.

You might be joking, but you know how serious Jennie’s being. She’s never had a relationship, and you feel some pressure being her first. It’s not enough to have you running because you want to make this work.

She is, after all, the woman you’re going to marry.

-- -- --

[euphorix-moon]

Coffee and Crushes

Ellie x Fem!Reader

Synopsis: Reader is a loser lesbian for Ellie and Ellie just finds it cute

Wc:1.3k

A/n:had to re-upload cause i made some mistakes, thank you to the person who caught them.i'm kinda embarrassed but this what i get for writing at 2am

You finish prep for opening and lean over the counter, patiently waiting for the customers to enter the cafe. While waiting, your mind wanders to a certain customer. A certain customer that comes every Tuesday and Thursday. A certain customer whose name was Ellie.

A certain customer who you had a crush on.

The first time you had served the woman you had been a mess, stuttering over simple sentences and couldn't even look her in the eyes.After that embarrassing day you had made your coworker Dina serve Ellie every time she would come around to the cafe.Dina likes to make fun of you for not having the guts to go talk to your crush, and you know that you really should.You didn't even know the girl yet, Ellie had been the only thing since you first saw her.

That was three months ago.

So far the only things you knew about Ellie is that she comes twice a week,orders an espresso with 2 chocolate filled croissants, and sits at the table by the window for 2 hours, typing away on her laptop. And every time,you try and “conspicuously” peek at her while you served other customers.


“It’s Thursday! And you know what that means!” Dina all but yells as she makes her entrance.
 “Shut up, Di, I don’t need you patronizing me.”You groaned. You hear Dina laughing at your comment as she walks into the break room.


“Are you gonna finally talk to her today or are we just gunning for the usual routine?”
“Let’s just do what we always do,” You sigh.

Hours pass, and you and Dina are moving back and forth tending to customers.You only briefly think of Ellie every once in a while when you find time for yourself to breathe.Before you knew it looked at your watch and saw that its five minutes to two. That means the "Woman of the Hour"as Dina likes to say would be here soon.


“It’s almost time,” Dina says in passing,while the both of you were behind the counter


You were frustrated with yourself. Why couldn’t you just act normal?Just because she was one of the most attractive women you've seen in awhile shouldn't make you act any different towards her. Why couldn’t you just serve the woman her food? It’s not like you would have to actually have to hold a conversation with her .All you had to do was take her order and bring it to her, That's it. Should you go for it this time?


The bell above the door jingles and you looks up to see Ellie walk in and head straight to her usual table.Your heart races and you starts to feel your whole body heat at the sight of her but, you quickly tried to calm yourself down. "Nope,we are not doing this today" you muttered to yourself.


“Having that internal debate, again?” Dina asks.
“Yup” you dejectedly sigh.
“Well, I’m off to go serve the woman of your dreams,” Dina sings.


You stay in the break room, peeking around the corner to watch the interaction. You see Ellie smile up at Dina and her heart flutters. Ellie's smile is so genuine, you just loves the way her smile makes her look so soft . Her smile was pure sunshine and you were sunburnt.

 

Dina walks over to Ellie's table and greets her. “Hey, El. You’re right on time.”
“Of course I am,” Ellie smiles. “This is one of my favorite spots in the town, wouldn't miss it .”


“How is your week going?” Dina asks.
“Eh, it could be less stressful, but I am living the life of a student so what else is to be expected, right?” Ellie says with a sigh 
“You are absolutely right about that. I’ll go grab your food now. ”


“Wait!” Ellie almost yells. “Um...instead of you brining my food, could you send that other girl who works here?” Ellie ask slightly embarrassed 
Dina just blankly stares and then hesitantly asks, “You want the other girl to serve you?”


“Yeah! I mean, I’ve been coming here for a while and I’ve only been served by her once.” Ellie explains. “I also see her looking at me all the time. What’s her name?” Dina is pleasantly surprised, knowing she can use this to her advantage. Dina tells Ellie your name with no hesitation before speed walking back into the back room

 ***

“W-what?! No!” you whisper yells. “I’m not ready to face her yet!”
“What do you mean you aren’t ready?” Dina shoots back. “You’ve been ogling at her for three months! she asked for you personally! she wants to talk to you!”
“I-I don’t think now is the right time! I mean, you said she sees me staring at her.She probably thinks I’m a creep and wants to tell me to knock it off.” “She definitely does not think that. Now get out there and give your woman her food!” Dina says sternly, pushing you out into the dining area

You just stand at the back of the dining room with Ellie's food in your arms. You honestly can’t even believe what is going on. Your brain has both shut down and gone haywire. Although your mind is running at a million miles per second, either way Ellie had to get her food that she paid for. You grip the tray tighter and slowly walking your way through the tables to Ellie.


Ellie couldn’t be happier when she looked up and sees you. Honestly, Ellie thinks you're really cute and had been coming to the restaurant in hopes of getting to know you. After days and days of revisiting, Ellie started to notice that you weren't going to serve her. From the corner of her eye though, she saw the way the you would always take looks at her. Based off of their first and only conversation, Ellie could only guess that you were shy.


So Ellie waited. She came to the same cafe as a routine and waited for you to be ready. But in those three months, she came to like you. Ellie watched you just as much as you did to her. She likes how you smile at everyone.She likes how you practically bounced as you walked. Ellie liked how adorable you looked while concentrating on keeping orders straight. At this point Ellie couldn’t wait any longer to talk to you.


“H-here is your food,miss” you stutter.
“We look to be around the same age, you don't have to call me 'miss' call me Ellie.” Ellie chuckles

“Okay then...Here’s your food,Ellie.”
“When’s your break?”You look at your watch. “In like two minutes?”


Ellie offers you to stay and sit with her during your break. At first you wanted to deny the offer but she seemed pretty persistent on you sitting at her table. You were pretty nervous when you first sat down not knowing what to say or do, but those feelings didn't fester for long with Ellie taking the initiative to start the conversations.

Fortunately conversations between you two went surprisingly smooth. You and Ellie found yourselves enraptured in your conversation almost feeling as if you guys were in your own little world. You found yourself learning that you guys had a lot in common and so much more, you never wanted the conversations to end.Everything was going so well you almost forgot that you were on break until your phone alarm when off.

"Damn... I gotta go, it was really nice talking to you.I'm guessing i'll see you next week?"You begin to stand up.

"Wait, before you go i have a question to ask you....Do you like me?" you stood there frozen. "Was it that obvious ? Ellie was laughing at this point " i could feel you looking at me every time i came in here" she calmed herself down finally

“ I think you’re pretty cute too,i'll give you my number and maybe we can meet up sometime” Ellie continues.

Ellie gives you her number and practically skip into the break room to get ready for your shift.When you walk into the room you see Dina already sitting there with a sly grin on her face. "Someone looks excited,how did it go" she says bantering you. You smile practically bouncing around the room.

"She gave me her number!"

A/n: Hope you enjoyed, feedback is appreciated!

[chemicallywrit]

Iiiiiiit’s Audio Drama Sunday! And I’m sick but I’m still writing this post because this week in audio drama absolutely slaps. Beware of some light spoilers ahead, let’s GO

🔥 oh man, @camlannpod landed this season finale beautifully. I’m so glad our crew triumphed and that the world is fuller than any of them thought and that the story can go on and change. I have to relisten, this is such a good show. If you haven’t listened to Camlann yet, now is the perfect time, go LISTEN.

🐷 @hellofromthehallowoods is dark but it only occasionally truly scares me. This episode, I was scared. WHAT is Shanks and WHAT is up with that freakin puppet and WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO? I feel the weight of these stories tangibly and I worry, just like our eyes in the skies, for the fate of the people I care about.

👽 One of the strengths of Among the Stars and Bones is its ability to put extremely normal people in absolutely harrowing situations, and in this episode, when it's your second harrowing situation in less than half a year, what are our heroes going to do but be like "Well Sure, This Might As Well Happen." Contrast that with the reactions of Captain Francis and Johann (played with deftness and skill by Oliver Smith and Jerron Bacat), who are experiencing the horrors for the first time and Not Doing Well and that's horror babe. I'm especially interested in Johann, what a fascinating character.

🙃 I started @worldgonewrongpod this week and it is everything I like. It's a) a fictional advice show in b) extraordinary circumstances that's c) very funny and sweet and d) hits like a brick in a sock. If that tweet by John Rogers ("every day i remember with gritted teeth that people lived perfectly fulfilling lives in during the fall of the roman empire," if I may paraphrase) was a show, it'd be this show. I love it.

✨ Call me Rion, because I'm here to take on things that aren't my responsibility and ask you to pLEASE support season two of @storiesfromylelmore. In maybe the cutest crowdfunding announcement I've ever heard, ItMe has called for our help and I don't have any freakin money, but if you do, you should consider giving it to Stories from Ylelmore!

🧛🏻‍♂️ In Hannah News, to borrow a phrase from fellow producer, friend, and all-around badass Tal, it's so much fun to listen to Re: Dracula without having to make it. I'm having a great time now that Drac is back. Won't you join us? Inn Between is also about to hit all our early access folks with a gut punch, get ready.

Hey! Certain entities that owe me money are not paying me in any kind of time, but nevertheless I have to pay bills. It's rude how the bills do not take that into account. In any case, if you like what I make or enjoyed this post, consider leaving me a tip!

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

“it could mean that they didn't think further than season five and we're about to get a lot of awkward writing.”

Genuinely, I’m pretty sure this exact problem is about to rear it’s ugly head into the plot so hard. Once it becomes obvious enough next season, I think this is about to become the biggest gripe people have with the show.

I don’t subscribe to the “Chloé was rewritten by TA out of spite” theories—however—it is almost **impossible** that season 5 didn’t, at the very least, have the bones of the plot laid out *when it was still intended as the final season,* and then those bones were **heavily** rearranged when contracts were signed for Miraculous Ladybug to continue production beyond that point.

This is quickly having a domino effect on the plot, where storylines are being re-sculpted left and right to somehow tie-up the arc of the previous 5 seasons, whilst still maintaining pre-reveal status quo for the seasons still to come. The most glaring problem with this is, of course, that they had to royally shoot Marinette in the foot to make that work.

I don’t want to put my tin-foil hat on too much, but Adrinette getting together sans reveal is just a symptom of the show continuing past it’s original intended “end of life”. We were likely supposed to get exactly what is holding Adrinette back from being interesting right now—the reveal—in the original midseason finale of season 5 instead of Kwami’s Choice.

What’s an even more cynical thought—if season 5 was the end of the show like intended at one point, there is ZERO chance that Marinette would have even NEEDED to lie to Adrien about his father. *THAT’S* what frustrates me most about the season 5 finale. Not that it’s shocking, not that it subverts expectations, that it’s so glaringly obvious the main character is making a decision simply because the plot for future seasons implodes on itself if she thinks logically for 1.2 seconds. It’s not interesting. It’s only there because they wrote themselves into a corner they never intended to be in 5 years ago.

And as the seasons tick on and on, the cycle is just going to continue to chase itself in circles under the guise of “drama” and “plot”, but in reality the episodic nature of the show means that none of the plot lines will ever conclude in a satisfying way

(Post that inspired this ask)

it is almost **impossible** that season 5 didn’t, at the very least, have the bones of the plot laid out *when it was still intended as the final season,* and then those bones were **heavily** rearranged when contracts were signed for Miraculous Ladybug to continue production beyond that point.

Now that is a theory I can get behind and will even admit to subscribing to. Season five absolutely feels like it was written to be the final season and we know that it was, originally, supposed to be the final season. It's not a conspiracy theory to say, "I think that they may have committed to elements of season five before they got a sixth season and that ended up making season five into a bit of a mess."

I'd be fascinated to know the behind-the-scenes timing of things and what was written before the season-six greenlight and what they were allowed to change after season six became a thing. Things like scripts, lore bibles, and plot lines get signed off on by a lot of people! It's entirely possible that the writers' hands were tied on certain elements of season five. If the leaked, season-five Bible is to be believed, it says that it was signed off by TF1 & Disney and has a date of 1/29/21, about three months before season six was officially announced, implying that major elements of season five may have been set in stone all the way back in early 2021:

[Image description: footer for the leaked Bible reading "Ladybug - Bible FINAL VERSION updated season 5 - approved by TF1 & Disney 1/29/21 - CONFIDENTIAL]

This may mean that the writers literally weren't allowed to make major changes to season five because they'd already gone through the approval process for the overall plot. It's also possible that they could have redone things, they just didn't have time based on production timelines or maybe they did have time and just couldn't think up a new version of season five in the time they had. There's no way to be sure with the limited information we have. Maybe season five is exactly what they wanted it to be!

It's hard to buy that, though, because a lot of the awkward writing makes so much more sense if there was supposed to be an identity reveal at the end of Kwami's Choice. Like why Adrien is worrying about how to tell Marinette that he's leaving, but he never once stops to think about Ladybug. If he knows they're the same person, that's suddenly perfectly understandable.

I also full agree that the lie at the end of season five feels like another stalling tactic and not a piece in a well-crafted narrative. It's really common for the writing to get stilted in TV shows and movie series that get renewed past their expiration dates because no plot can last forever. Even the best writers can't draw a concept out to the end of time and Miraculous doesn't seem have the best writers. Now that they've been greenlit for ten freaking seasons, I think we're in for a wild ride and I don't mean the fun kind. Serious identity shenanigans like the love square are not designed to last for 86+ hours. (The show has 26 20-minute episodes per season, so if you multiply that by 10, you get a little over 86 hours + specials and such.)

I just don't see how they're going to draw out the identity reveal for another five seasons without making the love square a toxic waste dump, but I also don't think that they're ever going to do an identity reveal in the mid game. They're saving that sucker for the end no matter how much it ruins the story. (Watch season six prove me wrong, lol. You never know.)

[wellntruly]

Blogging, vol. v

I’m having surgery tomorrow. Why this is always happening in November is beyond me, but it sure is an aesthetically kind month to not work and be extra-grade cozy in soft knits, sipping soups, while outside it rains grey on amber.

Unlike my gum surgery last year, this one I had no idea was coming for me, and the weeks getting up to the point of finally knowing what was going to happen were, not to exaggerate, not good. It's odd that it's better now, since it was indeed something you don't want to find. But then you can start to process. Process, process.

I actually tend to do quite well with surgery, both as a concept and a thing to heal from, even before I spent my recovery from the previous one watching a 50 year old TV show about surgeons. I find the kind of pain engendered by things you need stitches about to be quite reasonable mentally; it hurts, it hurts there, for this reason, you have pills to dull it, and it will gradually heal. Simply “feeling sick,” or worst of all nauseous, that’s what can make me wonder what it’s all even for. Miserable, derogatory.

So the fact that it really seems a predominantly surgical approach is going to be most of what we need to take care of this problem has me almost overwhelmed with gratitude. It could have been far, far worse for me. But I have all the most treatable metrics for this, even being rather young for it has the silver lining of meaning I should heal well. And I’m so lucky to have a warm, funny, exceptionally skilled surgeon who actually went through the same thing when she was also my age, and that honestly, I’ve absolutely the Edward Gorey illustration body type to probably even end up looking pretty chic going down to just a bit of an A cup, which is what she's going to be able to do, not to bury the lede. Surprise top surgery, is what I’ve been calling it, and thank you to the boys for the re-contextualizing dream that is the phrase ‘top surgery’, a concept of such positivity; life-affirming, life-saving.

It is a strange, swift-approaching change to reckon with though, impossible to avoid that. I've always tended to dress as if I don’t even have the actually, admittedly, great boobs that I've had up til now, but it is still the body I know. I’ll roll onto my stomach in bed and think, for one that I soon won’t be doing this at all again for a while, and that when I do, it’s going to feel different. Fascinating to consider.

I'm leaning into a sort of Orlando-like curiosity about it, this vague physical transformation just spontaneously befalling me in my adulthood. How will this be. What sort of opportunities might this actually grant. I’ll be endeavoring to hardly ever wear a bra again, I’ll tell you that for certain. Should I use this as the push to finally get a bespoke suit, soft and wide-legged, with a jacket that can fall in just a clean draped line from my shoulders? Will I be able to wear suspenders? I think about watching Margaret Qualley in The Stars At Noon this summer, how I watched her just drop a loose sundress over her bare body, entirely backless, and walk out the door. I think, of course, of "Keira Knightley Atonement," as my inspiration board folder is called.

I’ve also been thinking about this blog, what I think Tumblr user sashayed once called her secret public journal. Sometimes what I or others will post can break into the very real & personal, like this, for the benefit that comes from just releasing, sharing the large challenging things in our lives. I think about a long-time mutual who posted about some of the strangeness she felt during hospitalization for an accident, how recalling some of what she wrote about has brought me a feeling of solidarity in this.

But there’s also how I’ve actually been blogging about this for weeks and weeks, it’s just only been for me. Another kind of secret public journal. This butterfly coming out of a row of cocoons in a window: this was for how I was, fully insanely yes, watching A Zed & Two Noughts while I was wracked with anxiety over what might be going on with my body, but/and the idea of emerging after this surgery new and striking and light. This is self-explanatory. This tiny-chested witch vaulting skulls is “literally me” goals this time next October. This was actually exactly, exactly my vibe getting my biopsy, with the sweetest nurses.

And now at last it all comes together, the public and private journal, on the eve of really what we’re all waiting for, oh god me for sure: the return of painkiller diaries. Painkiller diaries is a lifestyle, actually, it’s an ethos. I let myself so wholly rest after my gum surgery last year that the rest of November was the happiest I’d been in years. Please, again. Return to cashmere convalescence. And would you look at this beautiful soup sippin' mug I’ve gotten since then:

Oh I think we’re ready.

[prince-liest]

Oh, my. You know, I feel like you’ve managed to give Vox’s usage of “yellow” in that recent snippet more weight than if he were to have used “red”, lol. Maybe it’s just the fact that the two of them have only ever used the latter, or just the emotional context of when/how it was used, but it felt like a gut punch when I read it.

Alastor’s reaction is so lovely, too !! I love that he actually has an emotional reaction to it, that he panics. We got him, boys, deer in yellow stoplight! Get safeworded, bitch!

(And, just to quickly tangent, I found it interesting that Alastor specifically says that Vox “can’t see” his reaction. I’ve been wondering what that could have meant throughout the day—is he in a predicament somewhat like the next fic you’ve teased, where Vox is physically incapable of seeing certain things, or just Alastor’s observation that Vox is caught up in his own emotions and wouldn’t catch his?—but when I went back to refer to the snippet while writing this ask and caught that part again, I wondered if it was less about Vox and more about him? As in, “Vox needs me right now, so he cannot see me panicking; I need to be reliable, supportive, and I can’t do that if he notices that I’m also out of my depth.” Feels more obvious now, looking back at how it’s right before “and so he wrestles himself back under control”, lol, but! You leave it slightly ambiguous, and let the reader come to their own conclusion without making it too subtle or overt, and!! I love that style of writing SO much! Makes it feel hella rewarding to piece things together, and also incredibly susceptible to going back and reading into every other word, lol. Also, so much for “quickly tangent.”)

But, anyway. What I’m saying is that I just really appreciate the fact that that word got him to actually flinch. It speaks volumes about how far they’ve really come. I doubt Alastor would have been that affected by it had this been before part 6 (even if he’d have stopped either way)—although I also doubt that Vox would have used “yellow” instead of “red” back then, either. Again, something about the way you have it written in that snippet just! Makes it feel so much more impactful! I hesitate to say more intimate, but I feel a certain degree of trust and vulnerability that came from Vox there—that Vox trusts Alastor enough to feel like he would stop and check on him even if he hasn’t used what’s considered the worst of the worse. It’s just! Sweet, beneath the ostensive angst.

You are an incredible writer, I hope you have a nice day, 🫶.

This took me a while to get back to for irl reasons but I want you to know that I LOVED this comment! Honestly that snippet in general got a lot bigger of a response than I expected, aha, which is absolutely delightful.

And you are super on point with why I chose to have him call yellow instead of red! First of all, I think it's just pretty rare for me at least to see "yellow" get use in fics even though I think it has a very important role to play, and second of all because, yeah, they're finally getting to the point of, like. This is something that didn't jive, at all, and a re-orient is needed, but it's also not at the level of emotional carpet-bombing that their previous missteps have been at. Also, it's Vox: he genuinely does not want to stop, and it's not super evident from the snippet, but the reason he calls yellow is related to why he actively wouldn't want to put a halt to things.

And I'm glad that Alastor flinching stood out so much, haha. He's been on the back foot in terms of feeling like he's the one constantly being emotionally vulnerable in any way that matters (which: Vox has been incredibly vulnerable, but the impression Alastor gets is that it's all par for the course for Vox, who has been doing god knows what with Valentino for decades), and he's also extremely not keen on actually losing what he and Vox have going on in general, so: unfortunately he also now gets to learn that it's acutely not a great feeling to be on the other side of things, either.

Anyway, thank you so much! I'm having a lot of fun writing this installment right now, so I'm genuinely so delighted that the little preview of it has garnered so much anticipation, haha. <3

[days-until-burnout]

Day 26 -

Characters - Martyn/Cleo Words - 433 Time - 17 mins Content - High School AU

Martyn sits on the swing, looking up to the sky, rocking back and forth on his heels. Cleo turns to him, waiting for some dumb words or something typical of him. But there is only silence, and she lets it be. Carefully, she lays on the nest swing again, dropping her arm on her closed eyes. 

Eventually, though, when they thought they would have a quiet afternoon, Martyn stops her rest. “Are you going home?”

They sigh as they drag their arm away, turning their head and seeing the top of Martyn’s head over the border. Everything is so bright with the sun, all of Martyn’s blondness and pale skin making her skin slightly. She looks away with an eye roll before replying, “Well, I would hope so. Can’t do jack with a broken leg.”

“And how did you break it?”

“A fight.”

There is a quiet little gasp, or hum, whatever it was, it was quiet and barely audible. Most likely surprise or awe, along those lines. 

“On the stairs, of course. Didn’t turn out all that good for me, huh?”

“No, I… I wouldn’t say it turned out good,” Martyn’s voice is a little strained, like he is genuinely worried for her, which is obviously incredulous. They wave the thought away instead. “I… Am I safe to assume the other person got it worse?”

Cleo laughed, and Martyn finally looked at her, and they back at him with an amused smirk and raised brow, questioning him. “If it makes you feel better, Joel re-broke their arm.”

He nods, looks down then up, opens and closes his mouth. And Cleo only waits, now curious. What a turn of event this is turning out to be. 

“Okaty, but… are you alright?”

“Still kicking, even with a broken leg, yes, don’t worry about it, Martyn.”

“I’m not worried,” he stutters. And Cleo can see the gentle blush so clearly. Disadvantages of pale skin. “Whatever. That doesn’t matter now. Can I take you home?”

She blinks at him, taken aback by the offer. But Martyn looks at her with a certain determination, that drive that would push him to kidnap her and take her home by force if she refused. Martyn is crazy like that, and she has absolutely no doubt he would. And of course, she will fight him. A cast, although heavy, could be a very good weapon. 

But she shrugs, turns their head away as Martyn beams, jumping to his feet to get their things and bring her crutches closer. Oh well, seems like her own pale skin betrayed her own blush. 

_____

0 thoughts. all vibes. i go to sleep now goodbye o7

[aureutr]

Health update, featuring: DIAGNOSIS

I have been a chronic pain patient for a few years now. It's difficult to fully articulate how much pain changes your life, unless you are someone who has lived it or had a loved one live it.

Pain sucked away my energy and brainpower. I found myself sleeping more and more, first in naps after work then I was regularly calling out half days just to sleep. All the while, I was seeing doctor after doctor in hopes that someone would have an answer.

No one did. At first, it was almost a relief. It wasn't cancer, after all. But then the relief turned into disappointment and quickly into resignation. Labs were fine, X-ray was clear, CT was good. It should have been good news, except I still hurt all of the time and no one could tell me why.

The pain got worse. It peaked in Autumn 2022, when I finally got my first sliver of relief. Gabapentin kept the pain in control enough that I no longer had to regularly sleep half of the day, but it made me foggy. Still, it was easier to manage than the brain fog from pain, so I took it.

I still take it, and I’m on quite the high dose. It’s given me a semblance of a life back, but it’s not the answer or a cure. I still napped, I still hurt too much to even walk around a store for more than an hour or so. And, if I did, it would be my only activity for the day.

I lost my job late last year. I don’t believe it was because of the time I had to take, it was a mass layoff, but I’m certain it did not help. That, at least, ended up fine. I found a job I prefer with far better pay within a few months. And they’re, so far, understanding that I’m working through health problems.

But being unemployed was still a stressor, and I had learned that stress was integral to my pain. When I was stressed, it was worse. When I was calm, it was bearable.

I’ll skip describing another round of tests and hypotheses that went nowhere. In October 2023, my husband and I went to the Mayo Clinic or the Cleveland Clinic or John Hopkins (I am being intentionally vague here). This was our second time visiting, the first gave us absolutely nothing.

A nurse practitioner took a very quick look at me, too quick for our comfort, and declared the issue muscular. She recommended physical therapy. It seemed too simple, really. After all of that, all that money spent and time invested? It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried some exercise, but when moving makes your pain worse and worse pain zaps your energy, that’s difficult to maintain.

Still, I wasn’t going to turn my nose up at anything at this point. And it’s a damn good thing I didn’t.

The physical therapist I ended up seeing told me I had the strongest pelvic floor she’s ever seen. And that’s not a good thing. I have apparently taken literal decades worth of anxiety, depression, self-loathing, and any other negative emotion you can think of, and held them taut there, keeping my pelvic muscles almost constantly tensed.

And when you tense that much for that long, dysfunction arises.

My official diagnosis is Pelvic Floor Disorder. All of my PT has been focused on stretching, no strength training or cardio. I’m retraining my body to relax, to let go.

It has been amazing.

At the time of writing, I’ve been going to sessions for about six weeks. Already, I am eager to walk our dogs every day. I’ve gone out on my own or with friends to move.

The pain is not gone. But it is so much less that my pain clinic doctor is discussing reducing my gabapentin in a couple of months. And with decreased pain comes decreased brain fog.

Decreased brain fog means not only an improvement in my professional work, but space for fandom. I’ve written more than I’ve shared, lots of short private stuff for friends, but I haven’t had enough organized thought to re-approach the stories I put on hold.

I can’t promise anything, of course, but I hope that can change soon. I’ve been dabbling in Distant Echoes again, and it’s fun to be back in that world.

I’m not well. But I’m better. I’m so, so much better.

[gremoria411]

So I’ve been seeing a lot of people chatting about the new Gundam: Requiem for Vengeance trailer, and there’s a part of it I’d like to throw my two cents in on.

Honestly, in regards to there being a billion Gundam’s running around the OYW, I made my peace with that fact years ago, so it doesn’t bother me. Yeah, yeah it’s a little silly from an in-universe perspective, no matter how many times they pull the “secret prototype” card. But from an out of universe perspective, Gundams sell, and they want it to sell. It’s a rare thing in the UC series that doesn’t have a Gundam in it.

But just for the sake of it, how many Gundams are (at present) running around in the One Year War?

Note: I was originally going to ignore things like Thunderbolt, The Origin and the Sidestories, since they all have a somewhat weird canon state. Then I realised that “Gundams that Canonically existed in the OYW” ≠ “Gundams that you see marketed in OYW sidestories”. So, I’m going to lead with the suits that we know existed, then move on to the other ones. I am, however, ignoring Manga, because I haven’t read everything and we’ll be here all day.

Alrighty, so we start off with the original RX-78 series as built in Operation V (sometimes called the “Vinson Plan”). We have:

RX-78-1 “Prototype Gundam” - As its name suggests, the prototype unit to the entire line. Never deployed to my knowledge, I’m honestly not sure what happens to it. I usually read it as being destroyed during the attack on Side 7, but I’m not certain of that.

RX-78-2 “Gundam” - you know this one. Amuro falls into the cockpit at Side 7 and proceeds to pilot it from then until the end of the One Year War.

RX-78-3 “G-3 Gundam” - apparently recovered from Side 7 and used as a test bed for magnet coating technology. Beyond that we have absolutely no idea what happened to it, since there’s a bunch of conflicting accounts. My usual headcanon is that it was used as a basis for all the MSV suits, but we have absolutely no idea if and where it was deployed.

RX-78-4 “Gundam G04” - deployed alongside unit 5 at the Battle of Solomon.

RX-78-5 “Gundam G05” - deployed alongside unit 4 at the battle of Solomon.

RX-78-6 “Mudrock Gundam” - deployed in the defence of Jaburo and the re-taking of California base.

The other two units are part of the series, but were not (as far as we know) deployed during the OYW:

RX-78-7 “Gundam 7th” - completed and deployed after the war.

RX-78-8 - we know nothing about. There may have been an 8th unit, it may just have been design data, and we have no idea if it was deployed or what it looked like.

Next; The Gundam Ground Types. There were 20 (-ish, some sources say 28) Gundam ground types produced during the One Year War from spare parts of the RX-78 series. This includes:

The units seen in 08th MS Team - 12 Gundam Ground Types were deployed to the Kojima Battalion.

The Ez8 - Deployed, as above.

Blue Destiny Unit 1 - Deployed

Blue Destiny Unit 2 - stolen by Zeon Ace Nimbus Schterzen.

Blue Destiny Unit 3 - Deployed in pursuit of Unit 2.

Slave Wraith - Questionably Canon, assigned to and deployed by Slave Wraith team.

I’m also gonna quickly call out that we have no idea on the various Full Armor units (the FA Gundam, the Heavy Gundam, the FA Ground type, the FA type B etc). Some sources say they were built, others that they were only simulation data.

And finally we have everything else:

Gundam NT-1 “Alex” - Developed at Augusta Base, then moved to side 6, where it was deployed against the Cyclops Team.

Gundam NT-1 “Prototype NT-1” - apparently an entirely separate suit to the NT-1. The prototype to the above. Presumably not deployed.

RX-78XX “Pixy/Pixie Gundam” - Questionably Canon, three units built. Unit 1 deployed in Belfast, Unit 2 in the Gobi Desert (and planned to be deployed at Odessa) and Unit 3 in Africa.

RAG-79-G1 Gundam Marine type - Sometimes known as the “Gundiver”. An underwater-spec unit. Unknown amount produced, primarily because it’s essentially a modified Underwater GM as opposed to a “true” Gundam unit.

And that’s about it for mainline UC. Gundam The Origin intentionally keeps things very vague as to how many Gundam’s exist there, so I’m not going to bother.

Gundam Thunderbolt is a bit of an odd case, since at first glance, it adds three:

FA-78 Full Armour Gundam (Thunderbolt ver.) - deployed by the Moore Brotherhood at Side 4.

RX-79[GS] Gundam Ground type S - produced by the Federation during the One Year War and after, presumably deployed.

RGM-79/GH Gundam Head - a GM with a Gundam-style head in an attempt to reproduce the psychological effect on Zeon forces.

But that last one illustrates Thunderbolt’s position on the matter, which is later made clearer in the manga in regards to the Bull-G, a unit built postwar. The Bull-G is a prototype unit contending for the position of the Federations new main unit. However, it’s actually an upgraded GM, fitted with a Gundam-style head to make it more appealing.

And this seems to be thunderbolt’s position on the matter - after a certain point it comes down to a suit’s performance rather than it being a Gundam. So yes, it adds a bunch of Gundam-style suits, but it also deconstructs that just because a suit looks like a Gundam doesn’t make it special.

Which is honestly a pretty interesting position to take.

[imagine-that-fanfics]

Never let go of hope pt.6

so, after 6 years and one re-write I have Finally finished!! you have no idea how good it feels to be done ahh any way, I hope y’all enjoyed and I can’t wait to finally work on my new ideas.

.

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4 Part 5

It was finally morning and after my sleepless night I was glad to be moving again. The quicker we find Henry the quicker we get out of here... I mean they get out of here. We continued along the path I had told Henry to take but after a while I had lost his trail, I was the best tracker I knew and yet I couldn’t pick up on him again and it was worrying we still hadn't found him "this isn't right we should have found him by now" I looked around trying to pick up the slightest hint as to where henry could have gone, I heard Regina start to speak but I drowned everything out, I was getting really worried and then I heard a voice "did you really think it would be that easy?" my head snapped toward the direction the voice came from and there he was leaning, arms folded against a tree just in front of us "Pan!" Hook was ready to go for him but Emma held him back "Peter! don't do this" I spoke up "I know you're better than this we’ll find another way just let Henry and his family go" he turned to look at me and glared "I'll deal with you later" he waved his hand and  the next thing I knew I was at the complete opposite end of the island, I was aggravated, upset but also slightly shocked at the fact he hadn’t magicked me into a cage instead I mean I could just head back to where I was but then suddenly a thought came across my mind, if he had Henry then there was only one place where he could have taken him... skull rock. 

It took longer to get there than it had before (I never actually went over to skull rock before but I had taken a trip to the end of the island that looked out to it, peter always told me never to go over there which of course made me want to go even more but I figured I’d better not just to keep him happy) of course I got the feeling that had something to do with Peter. It took me a couple of days at least but when it finally came into view I sighed in relief and I made my way over to skull rock, while I was hitching the boat up I could hear yelling and shouting, I broke out into a run heading towards all the commotion after I finally made it up to the top of the cave I caught glimpses of Peter, Henry, Emma, Regina, Bae and... who was that? then Peter spoke up "well isn't this a nice little family reunion" then the man who I hadn’t met before started talking (well more like yelling) “give us back my grandson and you might just live!” that’s when I realised who he was and decided that now was the time for me to jump in  "Peter stop!" I shouted as I took a few steps further everyone turned to look at me, Peter seemed surprised "but I locked you up in a cage so you wouldn’t interfere, how did you..." he glared and I let out a small sigh "you didn't lock me Peter up you only sent me to the opposite side of the island and you know that... Peter please... I know you can be better than this" the other man scoffed  "Better? he is the absolute worst he doesn’t care about anyone other than himself, he'll never change, the only way we can get Henry is if we take him down first" I shook my head eyes still trained on Peter "Rumple look I'm sorry but I know you have a certain image of your father in your head... but I know him, I know Peter" the others seemed shocked by my words, I guess they didn’t know "Father!?" Regina practically yelled, Rumple let out an agitated sigh "yes he is... was my father... what I want to know is how the hell does a complete stranger know this" everyone was silent and a small smile grace my lips "I know because like I said I know him, we told each other everything about ourselves, including our pasts" Peter had his head low glaring at the ground then  slowly lifted his head and directed the glare straight at me "how did you get here? I locked you up to make sure you didn't ruin everything" the small smile grew on my face and I slowly approached him "no Peter, you didn’t and I know, you know that you didn't, you could never lock me up Peter... at least I hope you could never, look Please don't do this, you don't have to do this, let Henry go" I could feel everyone's eyes on us but I was too focused on Peter to care, Peter began to look around at everyone else trying to keep his eyes away from me, I could tell that a million thoughts were running through his head.

Moments passed and Peter turned to look at me, he gave me a soft smile (the one I had come to love) and I knew he wasn't going to go with his plan, I smiled back at him, then my heart dropped as is smile turned into that smirk I despised, he quickly turned and ripped Henrys heart out of his chest before I even had a chance to react "no Peter!" I could hear the others shouting, my eyes quickly darting back and fourth between Peter and Henry’s heart, his heart was gold in color, he really was the truest believer "you don't know me Y/N, I have to do this, if I don't I'll die along with Neverland itself" Panic took over me, I couldn’t think of anything to do "and if you do this Henry will die... please" he glared at me "that's not my problem" I took a moment to think before responding "if you do this Peter I'll leave, I'll leave, I’ll pull together whatever resources I can find and when I come back it'll be to kill you and get my boys off this bloody island" I gave him my sternest look making sure he knew how serious I was "threatening me now princess? its not like you" I growled a little hating the way he said it "don't call me that! only Peter can call me that and right now you are not my Peter right now you're just Pan" his eyes widened a little but the smirk on his face just grew "Ah princess you know threatening me and saying all that wont change my mind besides I know for a fact that you would never actually do anything to harm me" Regina had finally ran out of patience and decided it was her turn to step in "if that wont change your mind then maybe this will" the next thing I knew was all the air leaving my lungs and I started choking, Peter shot a look to her and his demeaner seemed to have faltered a little "What are you doing?" she smirked "if you plan on killing someone I love then I'll just have to kill someone you love" Peter scoffed straightening his back "oh please you think I love her?" "I don't think, I know, I can see it written all over your face" he scoffed again "I don't love her I could never, go ahead kill her see if I care"  my lungs got tighter and it got even harder to breath, tears rolled down my cheeks I couldn’t believe he was letting this happen, even if he didn’t love me I had thought we were at least friends "P-P...eter.... ple...ase" I managed to choke out and I honestly thought I was about to die, as I struggled to catch my breath time seemed to slow down as what felt like hours went by before Peter let out a few groans and grumbles "stop! let her go" Peter turned and put Henrys heart back in his chest. Regina let her hand drop and I fell to the ground gasping for air, coughing and spluttering as I caught my breath I watch as Peter angrily walks towards me and hand Henry over to the others before turning to me and holding out his hand to help me up "you see what you've done princess? you've lost me any chance of living, come tomorrow I'll be dead, are you happy now?" I take a hold of his hand and stand as I cough slightly and smile at him "yes I am, and you know why?, because even after everything that has happened between us recently, I’m glad that you at least still care enough to save me and now its my turn" I let go of his hand and walk towards Regina "what? what are you talking about? and what are you doing?" I look back at Peter and smile then turn back to Regina "I have a request" Regina’s eyebrow cocks in confusion “okay?” “take my heart out”  everyone either had shocked or confused expressions on their faces and I could tell Regina was questioning my sanity by this point but I just nodded my head to reassure her that it was okay. "Princess are you nuts? I give up my only chance to live to save you and now you're giving your heart to the person that was trying to kill you?" I shook my head and Regina stuck her hand in my chest "t-that's not what I'm doing" "then what are you doing?" Regina then pulled her hand back out taking my heart out with it, shock immediately crosses her face and I hold out my hands and look at her expectantly, she slowly and carefully hands over my heart to me "I was just getting help...” I start as I slowly begin to turn back to Peter  “so I could give you my heart" Suddenly everyone gasps "y-your heart, how did you..." "I believed in you no matter what, I believed you could be a better person, I just needed proof before I gave you this" I smiled at him then Bae spoke up "but if you give him your heart then you'll die" "he's right" pan spoke again "and I'm not letting you die for me" I walked closer to Peter "I’d gladly die for you” “but there is no point in me living if you're dead why do you think I never once dared to take it before" "Peter... I promised to take care of all the boys on this island and that includes you too" I outstretched my hand with my heart in it for him to take "I can't... and with you gone who will take care of the boys?" "You will Peter... now take my heart please..." Peter shakily and reluctantly took my heart out my hand and I smiled. Not taking my eyes off of Peter I spoke "Emma?" "Yes?" "If there are any boys want to leave this island please take them back with you and make sure they are taken good care of "o-of course"

I smiled at Peter and gave a small nod, indicating that it was time, I closed my eyes preparing for my fate... nothing... my eyes quickly opened, to find Peter standing in front of me and my heart gone "Peter...What happened? what did you do?" he just stood there and smiled at me, my head shot around look around at the others who were also smiling except for Rumple he was still looking on with distain and Regina looked more like she was impressed "what? what happened Peter?" I turned back to face him "why am I not dead? what's going on Peter? and where's..." I was cut off by the feeling of warm lips pressed against mine, my eyes widened in surprise and let out a little squeak but once my brain registered what was happening and I was kissing him right back, I had thought about this moment many times, dreamed about it yet never expected it to actually happen, Peter slowly pulled away. “What... what was that?” my breath coming out shaky “I’m not taking your heart” “Peter, what? we just had this argument, I told you to...” Peter lifted up is hand signalling me to be quiet. “I’m not taking your heart... at least not all of it anyway” “what do you mean? “My life isn’t worth yours however I know how stubborn you are, so if that kiss didn’t clue you in, I love you, and I know it’s hard to believe that the great Pan could ever care more for anything besides himself and his island but it’s true I love you” I smiled up at him and shook my head. “Peter, maybe others would believe that’ but I don’t, you forget, I know you Peter, I know you are better than that Pan persona you give out... Peter, I love you too... but if you don’t take my heart, you will die and Neverland along with you” Peter let out a soft fond chuckle. “If what you say is true... then all I need is half” my face scrunched up in confusion “what do you mean? I don’t understand Perter, where is my heart?” this was the moment I was reminded of the people still with us watching as Rumple grumbled out “you’re sharing it” “what?” “as much as I hate saying this, you and that... that monster have True love which is the purist form of magic there is which means you are able to share the heart and live” a wide smile spreads through my face about to speak before I get cut off as Rumple scoffs and continues “and just because we have Henry back doesn’t mean I’m just going to leave here without taking him out“ just as I was about to stand up for Peter he steps in front and quickly gave me a look that said, it’s alright I’ve got this. “Rumple I know you hate my guts and don’t trust me which is rightfully so however, I told Y/N everything about my past, about our past and I may lie and deceive my way through life and to everyone else but not Y/N not ever and whether you believe me right now or not that is up to you, but along with telling her my past I told her my regrets, abandoning you being one of them” I nod in agreement “it’s true, look you may not believe him but trust me when I say he’s telling the truth, he told me all about how he got here and how he regretted the part where he had to get rid of you and as horrible as it was of him to to that selfishly I’m glad he did, otherwise I wouldn’t have found my home” I wrapped my arm around Peters “you don’t have to forgive him or anything, just please don’t take him from me” Rumple huffed, turned and started to head out of the cave, Peter turned to face me and I smiled up at him before I turned to the others “okay, lets get you lot back to your ship huh” so we all headed back to the main island rounded up the lost boys, Tink and Wendy before leading them all back to the ship, we said our final goodbyes to the lost boys who wanted to go back to the hero’s realm and they shipped off. 

Peter and I were the last to stay on the beach watching as the waves crashed against the land, Peter turned and looked down at me “so...now what?” I smiled up at him “now... now we have fun, go on adventures, ‘Peter  Pan, The Lost Girl and their Lost boys’ “ Peter smiles back at me “sounds perfect” he began to lean down and I stood up on my tiptoes and met him half way as we had one of our many amazing kisses to come.

[sapphire-weapon]

i’ve been following you for a couple weeks now and i just wanted to say THANK YOU for actually providing a nuanced discussion about leon as a character!! i’m relatively new to the resident evil fandom so i’ve unfortunately fallen victim to the mass misinformation being spread, you’ve thankfully guided me in the right direction though!

i especially appreciate your take on ashley on leon because the things people have been saying about them on tiktok is… questionable to say the least. the babying of leon and the infantilisation of ashley is incredibly irritating, i was shocked when i saw someone say he would never date someone in their early 20s due to “the young age reminding him of sherry and therefore making him uncomfortable” 🙄 acting as if leon is a fossilised dinosaur in comparison to ashley lol

The last time Leon saw Sherry, she was 10. She did not have Ashley's giant tits nor her child-bearing hips what the fuck is wrong with people

I always question the um... intentions and character of people who always seem to see pedophilia in everything. Just saying.

I'm glad I could help, anonbro. 🙏❤️

I said this to @ivyial last night that I find it very interesting that the self-appointed Authority in fandom very, very often has people coming into his inbox and referencing me in a "...Do you think maybe she might have a point, though?" way, and I have NEVER gotten the same about him. The most I've gotten is "I saw this and it sounds like bullshit. Is it bullshit or is the canon really that stupid?"

I think there are a lot of people in this fandom who know intellectually that the narrative being pushed about Leon makes absolutely no sense, but they don't want to rock the boat or make waves against the current of common beliefs held around the fandom -- because they're also still new, so they don't feel like they're in a position to say they know better, so it is what it is.

And then they go and ask him for clarification, and his answer legit deadass is "yeah some things in RE just don't make sense and we have to accept that"

And my ass is over here screaming "THEY ONLY DON'T MAKE SENSE BECAUSE YOU KEEP ADDING IN SUPPLEMENTARY BULLSHIT THAT MAKES THEM NOT MAKE SENSE."

But I don't have the reach or the platform he does, so new fans are stuck with their uncomfortable cognitive dissonance of "I know this doesn't make sense or feel right, but authority says it is, so..."

And that sucks.

The line last night was people don't know how RE canon works. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one who does.

To take every piece of supplementary information and announce it as being canon is so far removed from the reality of how game development in general works. There's no loremaster on dev teams. Things in game stories have to change or get cut all the time because of gameplay contrivances/limitations. Game developers do their best to keep the story and characters in line with the releases that came before the title they're working on now, and that's it.

The sole exception to this is certain Final Fantasy teams, because they release a master lorebook called an Ultimania alongside every release. Square Enix devs refer to the Ultimanias if they continue a storyline into a new game.

Resident Evil doesn't have that, and I would bet every cent I had that there is not a single person currently working in Division 1 that has ever heard of Leon having a backstory involving organized crime or his parents getting murdered. Because it's not in the games, and it's never referenced anywhere outside of a promotional interview released before RE2's release and likely before RE2's story was even finalized.

Dev teams change all the time. People come and go in the industry. This is especially true for somewhere like Capcom. When they sit down to make a new title in a series, all they have to go off of is the game releases that came before. No one is keeping this supplementary shit straight outside of basement-dwelling nerds who think that knowing every little thing a developer or PR agent has ever said is an adequate replacement for having a personality.

Games are also influenced by how well previous titles did in the marketplace and public opinion. Look at what's happening with Aeon. IT IS LITERALLY GETTING WRITTEN OUT OF THE STORY because it pissed so many people off in RE6, so who the fuck cares what Developer #8332 said about the ship back in 1999? It doesn't matter.

Resident Evil is a product to be bought, sold, and consumed. Things change during development. To take every little remark and interview and third party ad for an airsoft gun (I'm still not over how stupid that was) as canon is asinine and is completely incongruent with the actual fuck real reality of the product itself.

I'm reminded of the very famous Shinji Mikami quote about how, if Resident Evil 4 ever ends up on the PS2, he'd cut his own head off with a chainsaw.

And what ultimately happened?

Words are meaningless. The only thing that happens is what's in the actual product itself. Again: Resident Evil does not have an Ultimania. The story only exists within the games and the CGI movies.

It also makes the entire story make less sense and become even more incoherent than it already is. This supplementary material adds nothing to the story. It only takes things away.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go off on a huge big rant here, but. It really pisses me off that the new people who are coming into the fandom are smart enough to see that the narrative is bullshit but too afraid to speak up about it because of the sheer arrogance of the other voices in the room.

I'm glad you're here, anon. I'm hoping you can help spread the word. Make other newcomers feel more welcome and less crazy.

Side note because I'm not done ranting yet I guess: my favorite new thing is "Leon is blonde but people don't think so because they don't understand tech limitations in 2005" as though the GameCube couldn't render blonde hair -- or even light brown hair. And also as though RE4 was the origination of Leon's character and he didn't have brown fucking hair in every version of RE2 that's ever existed.

For the record, I was setting up and participating in LAN parties before this guy could even hold a controller in his hands, so fuck all the way off with mansplaining hardware limitations to me.

OK IM DONE FOR REAL NOW IM SORRY

[darlingpoppet]

i love wtdf so much!! how is the writing process and how far out have you planned the chapters?

Hi anon!! Aww thanks so much for your ask, you made my day! I’m really happy to hear you’re enjoying the story and also that you’re allowing me the opportunity to talk about the process :D

I’m normally kind of a pantser (or plantser?) when writing most of my oneshot fics—that is, at most I jot down only a vague concept that captures the vibe of what I want the story to be about, and then the rest of it comes together during the actual writing process.

Since WTDF is the very first time I’ve ever attempted a serialized longfic, I did not feel confident at all in my ability to completely go with the flow and find the story as I went along, especially with all the elements I’m attempting to juggle at once. In addition to the slowburn romance, I really wanted to include the sorts of tropes & techniques I love in stories, such as foreshadowing/chekov’s guns, unreliable narrators, uncovering a mystery, re-readability, stuff like that! (Chapter 1 especially is like, Foreshadowing: The Chapter and pretty much every detail about it has or is gonna become relevant in some shape or form later on lol!)

Admittedly idk how successful my execution will be so I don’t wanna oversell it too much, but if any of you out there enjoy looking for clues and theory crafting, fwiw that is absolutely something you can do with this fic ;D One of the reasons I was really excited about posting chapter 7 is because it was an opportunity to really start flexing those muscles and let a few planted things pay off… so if you liked that, there’s gonna be plenty more where that came from! ;3c

So anyway, all that to say I did a lot of planning for this story and in the broad strokes, I have the entire thing planned out all the way from start to finish. It’s not quite meticulous bullet points scene by scene though, that’s not my style—I’m still a bit of a plantser in that chapters & scenes are outlined at most with general vague summaries and maybe a few stated goals (there are some spots where I have to put stuff like “be sure to mention Thing A here which will be relevant to Scene B later on!”) and stuff keeps getting added and shuffled around (upcoming chapter 8 for example was a relatively late addition to the story and was split off from chapter 7 only a few months ago because I decided I really wanted to go whole hog with this particular episode lol.) I originally thought this story would be around 100k, which was already much longer than I envisioned, but now I’m certain that it’ll be at least twice that length, and I’m resigned now to the fact that this project is gonna continue be a big part of my life for at least the next year or two XD

That all said, I still wasn’t confident enough to start posting with just a roadmap, and I spent the last two NaNoWriMos in a row trying to lay down as much track ahead of the train as possible. As of right now, between published and unpublished bits over the span of the entire story, I think I have about half of the prose written.

On that note, my process for writing an individual chapter at this point seems to be: 1) write as much prose for the rough draft as I possibly can (or in other words, filling the box with as much sand as possible); then 2) I copy the individual scene documents on scrivener into a fresh single “second draft/editing” doc, where I 3) try to fashion it into something more refined, until I ???? and then 4) PROFIT/end up with the finished final draft.

This middle process takes A WHILE because I’m usually adding as much as prose as I’m taking away; and I’m often inspired to take more outline notes or skip ahead to write a bit of prose for something further down the line; I’m referencing my notes, referencing past & future chapters to make sure everything is staying consistent, doing new research; and I’m always trying really hard to be careful & particular about how I’m wording things… I often have several alternate wordings or sentences in every paragraph that I spend a long time swapping between and fussing over lol. And even then I often step away several times during the process to let the words marinate for a while. So if you’re wondering why it usually takes me about two months on average to complete a chapter, that’s why haha (even longer if god forbid I get blocked like I did with Chapter 4 oooughhhh). I’m sure many can relate! I still feel like I’m particularly slow though, and it’s only been getting harder as my story grows more intricate XD But I’m also having tons of fun with it!

I think the other thing that has helped me chill out a bit is keeping in mind that AO3 works are editable and so I can always just go back and fix stuff if, worst case scenario, I accidentally write myself into a corner or something like that haha. (Hopefully that won’t ever be necessary though!) I have already occasionally gone back to quietly tweak wordings or add a sentence or two that help keep the earlier published chapters consistent with the later ones (for example, I recently decided to stick with using the anachronistic term of “Greeks” rather than “Achaeans”, since it’s more consistent with Hadesgame naming conventions and ultimately this is a Hadesgame-verse fic.)

I think right now my biggest source of anxiety with this story is over how well I’m executing the pacing… whether or not I’m revealing things too soon/not soon enough, or whether or not the flashbacks are enhancing or undermining the momentum in the present story, especially the slowburn—it seems to me like the sort of thing where I can’t really anticipate at all how it’s gonna come across until I’m able to reread the complete story, haha. But I guess I also tell myself that I’m doing my best to order it in the most impactful way possible… and hopefully y’all are enjoying it too, so far :) I recently expressed this in an updated fic summary, but this story is now fully a three-in-one Hades fic: a canon divergence AU, a canon-compliant pre-canon story, and a mostly complete Iliad retelling with a Hadesverse spin… so the final word count is gonna reflect all that.

Thanks so much again for your ask! I’m delighted & eager to discuss my stories or Patrochilles or Hadesgame or the Iliad or anything else tangentially related to those topics any time, so my ask box is always open <3

[mwebber]

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them. (sebi please?)

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

ty for sending this, anon!

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

ahhh the only actual wip i have is girl!seb because the others are incoherent scribbles that i've marked down as In Progress... F. so far i think i've finally completed the story from 2005-2010, but from there things kinda fall apart--i'm trying to build up enough of the damage from 2011/2012 so that 2013 will hit harder, but atm those years are kinda falling through, mostly bc i don't know how to write jenson. i might have to re-do 2011 depending on how the rest of writing 2012 goes.

i feel like i keep talking about this project but haven't got anything to show for it so 💀 here's a snippet!

Indianapolis, USA - June 17, 2007In her Grand Prix weekend debut, Seb goes fourth fastest in her first practice session, qualifies seventh, and nabs eighth place, even after a messy start. She rises out of the car as the second woman in history to score points in Formula One—and the first to score a full point.  BMW is ecstatic with the achievement, immediately attaching their brand to her moment. Red Bull is right on their heels. To that end, Lewis’ win might as well be overshadowed by the media attention that flocks her way, but he doesn’t seem the least bit bothered, pulling her into a friendly handshake and half-hug in congratulations before being swept elsewhere. It feels just as good as a win. Seb is practically soaring, with nothing to kill her mood from the end of the race to the end of the day, even when Scott Speed almost dislocates her shoulder as he struts by, even when the boys try to take her out bar hopping and don’t succeed.  “I’ll head back to the hotel, you stay and have fun,” she says, waving them off as she tucks her ID back into her wallet. An idea is forming in her head on how she can celebrate, anyway. “Are you okay to get back on your own?” Beat looks torn, like he knows the responsible thing to do is accompany her, especially when she’s dolled up in a thin white shirt and short little tennis skirt, her legs bared to keep cool from the mid-June humidity. But the party is in full swing at the Slippery Noodle. “I’m going to get a ride,” she assures him, and fishes out her phone.  . ⋅ ˚̣- :  Twenty minutes later, Mark shows up in a taxi.

(she gives him a lap dance. they fuck nasty.)

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them. (sebi please?)

loathe as i am to call seb a character that i have headcanons for--i do very much find myself enjoying the idea that he can be more calculated (and cold?) than he lets on. similarly i don't know if i really like the whole, yknow, bratty-subby-tearful-cute thing that's popular in fanon? which, sure, it has its own basis, but i personally find it more interesting to see his more deliberate side and dissect him from that angle, kind of like an autopsy of Red Bull Seb, The Frat Bro Who Wasn't. i think charlie @sebrrari nails this in the whole "whether the medicine is enough" series! and though it was very much a reactionary fic, i think i get at the idea in and an and, and an and, and the end.

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

LOVE CONFESSIONS. i can't do them well but in my head they are sooo emotive. like in the nayq prequel when mark finally says it and the words absolutely destroy seb. or in wrestling in dirt pits when seb and mark admit they're still in love with each other in a moment of weakness. and i'll just spoil a bit of this girl!seb au, they say it after fuji 2007 and it's like the Crux of their entire relationship and not to toot my own horn but it works in the overarching story and i need to bash my head against a wall whenever i think about it. anyway

writer emoji ask game!

[guthrie-odonto]

So here’s a theory I’ve had for quite some time but has recently gotten more evidence—to put it into Monsterverse classification:

Titanus Lechuza: the Owl Beast Titan

Essentially, this is stating that the owl beast is some kind of titan or titan-adjacent, maybe an adolescent. Here’s the evidence we have so far, in order of episodes:

First off, going off of the mindscape as well as how big her beast mode gets in the finale, this thing’s HUGE. Not kaiju-sized, though, hence why I emphasize that it could be an adolescent or something of that nature.

(note: I know what you’re thinking about this thing’s head not being the fanged skull of King, his dad, or the titan trappers’ costumes, but 1) we don’t know for absolute certain if all titans look like that, and 2) the owl beast specifically takes after a barn owl—the shape and white color of this owl’s facial disc contrasting with its eyes does leave its face looking particularly skull-like)

Titans are naturally immune to the scalding hydrosphere of the demon realm, as shown by King taking a swimmy on titan trapper island and Titan!Luz standing in the boiling rains unaffected. Granted, there was the shield spell that Eda cast over the house at the beginning of “The Intruder” (even then, we don’t know if it lasted after she collapsed, given how exhausting casting the spell made her), but the very fact that the owl beast was bold enough to crash out of the window and subsequently make its way to Hooty kinda says something about how afraid of boiling rains this “beast” is…

The real kicker for this theory for me: the island Papa Titan hid King’s egg in was hidden by that sigil on the ceiling to the point of Lilith saying it wasn’t even on any maps? How then, was Eda able to just randomly stumble upon this island and therefore meet King for the first time

In “Knock, Knock, Knockin’ on Hooty’s door”, we learn that the inciting incident that trapped the owl beast in the curse, and subsequently Eda, was it being hunted down by “the collector”. Now I think it’s kind of implied that this was one of the archivists instead of our Collector, but that lends even more credence to this being a titan of some kind since it’d give this archivist a motive. As for them calling the owl titan a “beast”, something tells me the archivists wouldn’t see the titans as their equals (and just look at the language the titan trappers use when talking about these behemoths)

When Eda re-enacts the “owl beast’s fucking pissed” meme I made in the buildup to “For the Future”, there’s obviously the six wings, but she also has a noticeably more wolf or coyote-like tail…

We’ve seen that this is a precedent in titans not just from King himself, but from the dad bod form Papa titan chooses to take when talking to Luz and the Titan disguises used by the titan trappers! (not to mention that, although the curse is canonically exacerbated by stress, Eda coincidentally went beast mode from her grief and anger right when King went feral…)

Not only that, but look at titan!Luz, formed when Papa Titan imbued her with the last of his life energy to stop Belos once and for all, and Harpy Eda, formed from Eda and the owl beast working as one:

… they got the same eyes.

Conclusion: if I’m correct in this one, I guess it takes a (half)titan to raise a titan.

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Books I’ve read so far in 2022!

Friend me on Goodreads here to follow my more up to date reading journey for the year!

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311. Princess in the Spotlight by Meg Cabot--⭐️⭐️⭐️

Re-read December 2022. I'm excited to be re-reading this even more now because I don't think I've ever gone past book 2! Mia continues to grow a bit as a character, even though the adults around her continue to be unaware of how everything is truly affecting her. I did like seeing a certain moment that redeemed her best friend because of her actions. Also, still a little weirded out by how Michael is 18 and she's 14. That's...yeah.

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312. The Lightcasters by Janelle McCurdy--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Another amazing MGLit fantasy title that I will be more than happy to recommend to my younger customers! I loved the adventure in this and how the story flowed so well that there were never any boring moments. There was always something happen and I couldn't get enough of it. I loved the concept and the fact that these kids have so much responsibility despite the hurdles they face. I think stories like this have so much potential because we only got to explore one small section of the world. I want to see what these characters accomplish in the future books (which I will absolutely be checking out when they come out!) The only thing that threw me off is that one of the characters is four and he didn't act like a four year old? I'm always commenting that kids are smarter than people think they are, but save for a few mispronounced words, this four year old sounded like a nine year old. That's the only thing that was a little jarring. I'd recommend this to readers who like road-trip style fantasies where the characters are forced to go on a journey; readers who enjoy stories where the fate of the world rests on the shoulders of the MC; and anyone who likes seeing MCs befriend and connect and magical beings/animals.

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313. Lore Olympus Vol. 2 by Rachel Smythe--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Sigh, this series is so good. I'm mad at myself for taking so long to finally start reading it. Listen, questionable decisions were made by certain characters in this volume, but Hades can still get it. Why is he drawn so....damn. Anyway, I agree with Smythe in their commentary near the end before the bonus story about how one particular chapter is their best work yet. That whole letter writing scene (not a spoiler) was gorgeous but also portrayed so much emotion. I sometimes just want to give Persephone the biggest hug.

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314. Lore Olympus Vol. 3 by Rachel Smythe--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I love this series so, so much. Even more-so after reading this volume. One can just tell when the chemistry can't be ignored. Whenever the two of them are on the same page, the attraction just jumps off the page. Pity for those outsiders who think they have any power or control when it comes to this budding romance. That conclusion made me smile the biggest smile even though everyone knows that they're endgame. But I especially love that in this one, one truth comes out and Persephone hears some absolutely solid advice. My heart aches just thinking about this series and I want to look up the series that the author has posted online.

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315. The Feeling of Falling in Love by Mason Deaver--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

TW: Transphobic and Sexist commentary. Deaver does it again with their newest YA romance novel! While I still LOVED their first book the most, this one dealt with some important topics when it comes to identity, how we judge before we know someone, and how we can sometimes misinterpret a situation when we are surrounded by self-doubt and the belief that age is a factor when it comes to whether love can be felt or not. I loved the budding relationship between the MC and his roommate. I loved watching the judgmental MC learn that his words and actions have consequences, and that maybe communication would go a long way to better understanding both a situation and oneself. This one was a bit interesting reading it as an adult because I could see the MC's pain when he is visiting his family, but I could also see the situation from the mom's POV (except for one glaringly obvious situation where I think she failed as a parent). This helped round the story out a lot more because I think that if a reader were to re-read this book, they would notice the moments where that anger towards and characterization of certain characters could be something that is more nuanced than just initial interactions. That's all to say that I, again, enjoyed another Deaver novel and I can't wait for their next one!'

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316. We Are Not From Here by Jenny Torres Sanchez--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

TWs: R@pe, Death and descriptions of death and gore, Teen pregnancy, Bullying, Grief WE ARE NOT FROM HERE is an incredibly difficult book to read. It is unapologetic in its portrayal of trauma, the violent realities so many people and children face, and the brutal journey some have to take in order to escape even worse living situations. This book is truly not for the feint of heart and I'll be honest, I am very surprised it was YA (even though I think it is very important that it is a YA title). The only reason why I'm not giving this a full five stars is because of one character that frustrated me. I understand that they're just a child, but I just felt so much frustration because of their actions and lack thereof. One of the impactful things, however, is that this character helped showcase the patience and love of the other two characters. This character also showed us that while this book has many heavier and more adult-themed topics, it is a book for younger readers at its heart (the innocence, the naivety, and the wish to just go home.) If you're looking for a powerful book about the dangers of this kind of immigration story, then I think this should be added to your list. I cried, I laughed, and I hoped for the best for these poor kids who just wanted a safer, new life.

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317. Amari & the Great Game by B.B. Alston--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I loved the first book in this series and I was happy to finally pick this one up! While I enjoyed it slightly less than the first book, I still had a great experience following Amari and her best friend as she tried to solve a mystery that begins early on in the book. One of the things about this book is that it made me so mad for Amari. I was surprised to see that the word "racism" wasn't used in the tags because this book features it so heavily--especially with the comments alluding to her race, both in skin colour and the type of magician that she is (which was also a theme in the first book). This book is one of those books that is a fantastic adventure for younger kids, but also, an allegory for older readers. Amari is a powerful Black girl who faces some serious prejudices in a fantastical world--showcasing that even magic can't save you if you don't fit the "societal [racist] standards". Anyway, this series is awesome and I think anyone can read it. It's a great teaching resource as well as a great adventure for kids, and a great reminder for older readers!

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318. Uphill by Jemelle Hill--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

One of the greatest things I've done with my reading this year is introduce myself to memoirs and autobiographies. I love learning about different people that I would never learn about through any other means than a book. I love reading about experiences that others have had because it has helped me widen my understanding of how others see and experience the world. UPHILL by Jemele Hill was one of those books that will stand out for me long after 2022 is gone. Her memoir sits on a mental shelf starting to fill with powerful Black women who have succeeded despite the world being so strongly against their success, and her words of justice and her refusal to cater to others are now added to my growing sense of awareness. Hill is a woman who had an extremely complicated relationship with her mother, who also had a difficult experience with her own mother. Despite the poverty, her mother's drug addictions, and the racism that Hill faced, she came out on top. She pursued her dreams and broke the generational trauma that she was raised in. Her story is incredible and seeing her form connections and meet people who either helped build her up, or tried to knock her down, is inspiring. I especially loved seeing when her sassiness and no-nonsense behaviour slipped onto the pages. Let's just say that listening to her life story told in her own voice was a treat. I'm becoming more critical of memoirs and autobiographies, but this one was just such a fantastic and eye-opening read. Please be aware of the TWs since there is mention of r@pe, sexual assault, racism, victim blaming, and physical abuse.

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319. Jackal by Erin E. Adams--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

From the get-go, JACKAL made me incredibly uncomfortable. It wasn't like in a way where I couldn't read the book because it was deeply enthralling, but in how it handled certain situations and presented the realities of small towns that flirt with the concept of being a sundown town. The overt racism was palpable. The fact alone that it is Black girls that are going missing made this even more terrifying because of how much it mirrored missing cases that are happening around the world (especially when we look at how many BIPOC girls and women go missing and the police and media do absolute shit-all.) The paranormal aspect of this was, in my opinion, the most fictitious part of this story and helped with the uneasiness I felt while reading this book. The MC is treated in such a way that the gaslighting could have set fire to the whole town. I didn't know who the villain of the story was going to be, but I did know it would be someone I wasn't expecting. This book also touches on that "One of the good ones" theory because of how the image of the missing young girl who is mixed white and black is treated by the people of the town. There is even a moment where the white mother refuses to acknowledge that her mixed daughter shouldn't be grouped with the other missing Black girls because she isn't the daughter of drunks or drug addicts. That in itself shows the otherness that can happen when a child is mixed and one of the parents is white in an extremely white town. JACKAL was creepy and uncomfortable and deeply enthralling. There is this sense of dread that lingers on the pages and you just absolutely NEED to know what is happening to these poor young girls and why they're being taken. This book, however, is not for the feint of heart. Be aware of the trigger warnings.

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320. What We Saw by Mary Downing Hahn--⭐️⭐️.5

I don't really much to say about this one. It was surprisingly short and not at all what I was expecting. First of all, with a cover like that, I never thought that this would be more of a middle grade book (considering how old the characters are). I think this book could have used more fleshing out of the story--I think it could have been more compelling if we got to learn more about certain characters and had more time to grow attached to the characters that betrayed the MC and her best friend. I think some aspects were a little random and some of the choices made were really dumb (even though I know I always have to remind myself that these are children.) I did like the ending and how realistic it was for it to end the way it did. These characters are so young and are just learning who they are and who they might become. Of the whole book, I think that was the most realistic approach to these characters. If you want a quick thriller and if you're looking for a thriller for the younger readers in your life (no younger than 12 because some of the topics explored), then I think this one might catch their attention.

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Happy readings!