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noteguk · 4 years ago

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bad behavior | jjk | m

This is in the same universe as “bad influence.” It can, however, be read as a stand-alone.

— summary; in which staying late to volunteer at a self-help meeting was the best decision you made in a while.

— contents and warnings; smut, the endless adventures of badboy!jk x goodgirl!reader, public sex (in a church…), dirty talk, fingering, degradation (name calling) but also praise, unprotected sex, clothed sex, creampie, cum play, there is a window and also reflections, rough sex, cockwarming, jk being a lil shit because that’s his main personality trait, jk smokes (only mentioned), enemies to fuckbuddies: dawn of the first day

— words; 8.2k

— author’s note; for the anon that asked how their first time was like ;) join me as we explore the lore of this godforsaken couple

It was your mother’s idea for you to find a new place to volunteer. According to her, it had been a long time since you experienced “the invigorating energy of community work” — last time was when you were trying to level up your college application — and it could really “soothe your anxious soul” during the trying times of college finals. Apparently one tutoring program and two research projects weren’t enough to distract you, but you could see where she was coming from.

In the end, you accepted. The old places you used to volunteer in had either shut off their programs or were just too far away from college for you to consider. At first, you decided to follow your mother’s suggestion and tried to work with children — “small miracles”, as she called them — in a local daycare. Which ended up being a terrible idea.

You liked giving back to the community, you really did, but it wasn’t long until you realized that working with infants hasn’t been your wisest decision, and that children weren’t miracles at all. You got tired of going home covered in paint and with pieces of playdough entangled in your hair, and that was when you weren’t unlucky enough to get hit with other, less clean fluids.

So you eventually gave up — both on the daycare and on the faint idea of one day going into pediatrics — and searched for a new place. After having to yell your way through retirement homes, and getting fed up with washing people’s sidewalks, you finally settled in a program that was flexible and light enough for your intense college hours: preparing (and then later cleaning up) a room that was reserved in a local church for weekly meetings.

The entire ordeal took about two to three hours off your day, and more than half of it was spent as free time: waiting for the meeting to end, cramming piles of information in a small room next door. You didn’t really know what the meetings were about since they changed practically every month — they were, at first, a support group for teenage mothers, then it became an AA meeting, then a group for drug users trying to quit. Lately, you were starting to think that the church just gave away the room for whoever had the money to rent it, so it wasn’t a surprise when it was reserved for a motivational speaker to give confidence lessons.

You had researched the guy, some old dude with an unpronounceable name and a sketchy background, and found exactly the type of person you had expected. Yes, you were in the house of Christ, but you were still being heavily judgmental of the fact that he was giving those talks when he had no qualifications whatsoever, and was probably making bank off all the self-help books he regurgitated at least twice a year to prey on vulnerable people. You did share your worries with the administrative office of the church, but they ultimately fell on deaf ears, and you gave up on the idea of kicking his ass out of the holy grounds anytime soon.

It was after one of those pseudo-motivational talks that you walked into the empty room, ready to clean everything up before rushing back to your place, where your roommate had promised to greet you with some wonderful takeout. The chairs were still placed in a circle on the center of the room, where they had been since forever, and you made sure to align them perfectly before you moved on to the litter that had been thrown around the place.

One good thing about those self-help meetings was that they were a lot cleaner than a lot of other attendees, so the “picking up the trash until your back started to hurt” part passed by surprisingly fast. You had just moved on to the snack table, analyzing what you could still save, when your soul almost left your body.

“Hey, you,” you heard a known voice behind you. “What are you doing in here?”

You swiftly turned around, heart thumping violently against your ribcage. You didn��t know how you hadn’t let out the biggest, most blood-curdling scream ever, but that was just the first of many miracles of the night. “Jesus Christ,” you wheezed out, taking one hand to your chest. “You shouldn’t sneak up on people like this.” You swallowed dry, some part of your brain recalling that he had asked you a question. “And I’m volunteering here.”

“I didn’t sneak up on you, you’re just jumpy.” Jungkook scoffed, leaning against the doorframe with that stupid playful smirk curling up on his lips. You didn’t know they allowed demons inside the church. “And of course you are.” He rolled his eyes.

Maybe a few months back, his mocking tone would’ve stung a bit more. However, you had been tutoring Jungkook for about three months then, suffering through endless sessions of his whining and complaining, and you’ve grown used to his passive-aggressive antics already. You learned that Jungkook was a shark seeking for blood, waiting for any crack that would allow him to jump into a perverse little joke — about how you behaved, your priorities, or even the color of your highlighter. You, of course, always stood your ground and threw his comments right back at him — which was his initial plan, as you’ve come to realize. Jungkook enjoyed playfully arguing with you, and you thought that it was another level of strangeness and masochism you simply didn’t have time to dissect.

Still, Jungkook (shockingly) wasn’t the terrible person you once thought he was. Every once in a while — when he was trying to talk you out of teaching him — the conversations you two would have were actually mostly pleasant, and he wasn’t awful to hang around when he dropped the whole badass persona to act like a real human being. You would even dare to say that Jungkook could be actually funny at times, and not in the bitter, sarcastic way he usually was. Sometimes, you dared to think, he could actually be reasonably nice. And also kind of cute. Even hot.

But you would never actually admit any of that out loud. Or even to yourself, really.

“And you?” You asked, turning back around to face the table full of half-eaten food. That looked like a battlefield, and you could already tell that there were only a few survivors left standing. “What are you doing here? Repenting?”

Jungkook chuckled dryly. “You wish. My parents want me to quit smoking,” he said. You could not see him, but you could hear him walking closer to you as you fumbled with the large Tupperware. “We settled on this crap instead of a forced intervention.”

You scoffed. Most of the food before you was unsalvageable — some of the cupcakes had been bitten once and then placed back, and you wondered how someone like that could function in society. “You don’t seem very motivated to quit,” you mumbled.

Jungkook clicked his tongue. “I don’t really care.”

His voice was much closer to you, and you felt the air leaving your lungs for a pitiful instant. You convinced yourself you had only gotten scared again. “You should care about the growing possibility of lung cancer.”

He shrugged. “Maybe. But it’s not really on the top of my list of priorities at the moment.”

“And what is?” You asked.

“Amongst other things…” he trailed off and, suddenly, he was standing besides you, pointing at the chaotic pile of sweets. “I actually came back to grab another one of those cupcakes. The chocolate ones are great.”

You didn’t know why, but his comment broke the odd tension that you didn’t even know that was there, clicking you back into your previous mentality — the one that you just wanted to finish cleaning up so you could leave soon. “All yours,” you told him, “grab as many as you want.”

Jungkook hummed in satisfaction, reaching out to grab one special brown cupcake — an untouched one, thankfully. “I love when you talk dirty.” He almost moaned before shoving the cupcake inside his mouth, taking a huge bite off it. Dramatically, Jungkook rolled his eyes and sighed in delight. “These are fucking great.”

You chuckled, glancing at his direction. Jungkook was dressed in all black, like he usually was, and you were starting to recognize a newfound admiration towards his constant use of leather jackets. What? He looked good. “I’m glad the self-help sessions are paying off,” you commented, swiftly placing the cupcakes inside the transparent container.

Jungkook was paying attention to your actions now, like he noticed you were there working for the first time. “What are you doing with the rest?”

“The church will probably donate it, give it to the homeless or something.” You shrugged. “Or they’ll eat it, I don’t know. I just clean up the place and leave.”

Jungkook laughed at that, taking another monstrous bite from his cupcake and throwing himself on one of the nearby chairs. Your eye twitched a little at the thought that he had ruined your perfect circle, but you’d have to fix that on your way out. “Sounds absurdly boring,” he sang. “And they’re not even paying you.”

You sighed. “After all the places I’ve volunteered in, boring is a blessing,” you told him. You had just placed five hot dogs in the container, and you were starting to wonder if it would be a good idea to feed people in need with those suspicious sausages. “But, yeah, you probably don’t care about any of that.”

“You don’t know what I care about,” Jungkook said matter-of-factly. You didn’t know if he was trying to tease you, but his voice came out so soft and monotone that you couldn’t really be mad about it. It was true, after all: you didn’t actually know what he cared about. Sometimes you thought that he could read you better than you could read him. “Want me to stay here with you? This place is probably empty already.”

You could not hold back your laugh at that, turning around so you could look at him. “Are you offering to be my bodyguard? In a church?”

Jungkook pouted. There was a thin line of chocolate on the side of his lips, which he quickly licked clean. “I’m trying to be nice.”

You giggled, turning back towards the disgusting food. The rest was mostly trash, but you were happy enough with the amount you had managed to find in a good state. “That’s new.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked. “I’m always nice.”

“Always is a strong word.” You smiled, closing the lid of the Tupperware. You had managed to fill three small containers with the leftovers and, honestly, that was a big victory. “But you can stay or you can leave, I don’t mind. I’m almost done anyways.”

He frowned. “Is that your answer?”

You turned around. “What? You want me to beg for your company?” You smiled. “You’re mistaken if you think I’d ever do that.”

“I’m staying.” Jungkook crumpled up the piece of cupcake wrapping and threw it in the trash can besides your body. He watched you for a moment as you started to throw the leftovers away, your back turned to him and a distracted look on your face. When he broke the silence again, you were throwing the last piece of bread in the bin. “Why are you volunteering?”

“Because I like giving back to the community.”

Jungkook sneered at your words. “Seriously now. Don’t lie, we’re in a church.”

“I do, actually,” you stood your ground. There was a vague sound of crickets coming from the half-open window and the low buzzing of the fluorescent lights above you, but, other than that, the city was covered in absolute silence. Perhaps that was why you felt so at peace. “But my mom told me it would be a good thing to keep myself relaxed. You know, take my mind off college stuff.”

He hummed, and you heard him getting up from the chair. “You always do what your mom tells you?”

You met his gaze. “Didn’t your parents make you come here?”

He smiled. “Not the point.”

Before you could hold yourself back, your lips were curling up. Again: Jungkook wasn’t absolutely awful to be around when he actually acted like a human being. “When she says something I agree with, yes,” you told him. “My ego isn’t bruised when it comes to following someone’s idea.”

He raised his eyebrows. “You’re saying that mine is?”

“I didn’t say that.” You smirked and turned back to the table. You started piling up the used plastic cups, already eyeing all the used plates, forks and knives that you’d have to throw away. The daycare had better eating manners than that. “Thought we were talking about me.”

“We were,” Jungkook agreed. One of his inked hands moved to the table, and you were about to tell him that he could eat more of the cupcakes when you realized that he had started to reach for the discardable plates, throwing them away. You really didn’t think he’d help you. “Finals are coming up, though, and you care about that shit. Shouldn’t you be using this time to study or something?”

“I study while you’re out here listening to becoming your real self or, I don’t know... waking up the giant within,” you said. “I’m fine, don’t worry about it.”

He hummed, his nose cringing up at the disgusting remains of food that stuck to the plastic forks. Jungkook seriously didn’t know how you could do that for fun. “You know there are better ways to relax than cleaning up a dusty room, right?”

“Probably,” you agreed. The cups were already in the trash, alongside with the plates, and there were only a few crumpled up napkins to get rid of before you tasted the sweet nectar of freedom. “But here I am. That’s what I chose for myself.”

“Literally any other option would’ve been better,” Jungkook pressed on. “Isn’t that obnoxious friend of yours in cheer or something?”

“Who? Jisoo?” You smiled at him. No one had ever called her obnoxious, but you couldn’t say that the title didn’t fit. Jisoo could be really… intense when it came to standing up for what she believed in. “She is. She invited me to join her already, if that’s what you’re gonna ask, but it’s not really my thing.”

“It’s a shame,” he mumbled, leaning against the table. It was a beautiful miracle how clean that room had become just by getting rid of the piles of gross food, and you had proudly thrown the last piece of paper inside the trash bin when Jungkook spoke up again. “You’d look really hot in that outfit.”

You stopped in your tracks, taking a second to digest the claim he had so mindlessly thrown your way. Just like all-things-Jungkook, a pleasant conversation could not last long, so you weren’t even surprised that he managed to ruin that talk with such a fuckboy-esque comment.

Also like all-things-Jungkook, he managed to awaken a reaction out of you that you didn’t even know could be there. With a faint heat in your cheeks and a frown blossoming amongst your features, you actually felt a little bit of... satisfaction with the fact that he thought that you’d look hot in that skimpy outfit. At the same time, you wanted to slap yourself for falling into his charms so easily.

In that conflicting turmoil of emotions, all you could say was a monotone, “You cannot be serious right now.”

Even if you kind of wanted him to be serious.

“I’m being dead serious,” Jungkook didn’t back down, much to the elation of your ego. You felt like a schoolgirl being recognized by her crush, and the idea alone made your stomach curl onto itself. What the hell were you even thinking about? Yeah, Jungkook was pretty hot, but he was also kind of a douche and you didn’t want to get involved with that mess of a person. Or at least that was what you were trying to convince yourself of. “I mean…” he continued, “you’re even rocking this knee-level dress right now, can’t even imagine how you’d look if—“

“You can shut up now, Jungkook, thanks,” you interrupted him. Because you didn’t know how to act when he was so blatantly flirting with you, you switched back to the same passive-aggressive behavior that you had given him for the past three months. Call it self-preservation, call it panic, but your mind simply didn’t know where to go from there. “And I’m also done here, so you can skidaddle back to whatever swamp you came out of.”

“Awn, don’t be mean, princess.” He pouted. Jungkook was a master at getting you worked up, and you had just given that to him on a silver platter. Maybe if you had mock-flirted back, he would’ve baked away. You would never know. “I was just fucking with you, you’re too easy to tease.”

You pressed your lips together, hip touching the corner of the now empty table. “You were pretty much harassing me,” you said playfully.

“I was not.” Jungkook smirked, shoving his hands inside the pockets of his pants. When had the two of you gotten so close? There was barely any space between your chests. “But it’s okay, I’m not gonna compliment you anymore, don’t worry. You don’t have to be so defensive.”

“I’m not being defensive,” you said, defensive.

“What, is it the church setting?” He raised his eyebrows, taking a look around. “Is it making you uncomfortable?”

“No,” you answered, crossing your arms before your chest. Jungkook followed the movement and his gaze got stuck on the shape of your breasts for a second too long, making a newfound wave of heat rise up to your cheeks. “Not as much as you’re trying to make me uncomfortable right now.”

He chuckled. “You do look cute when you’re shy,” Jungkook teased, taking a step towards you, and you took another one back, pretending you were just going to lean against the table. You sat on it in a weird diagonal position, with one leg still on the ground and the other dangling over the edge. Jungkook was so close that, when he spoke again, voice just above a whisper, you could feel his breath on your skin. “If you don’t want me here, just ask me to go and I’ll go.”

You opened your mouth to respond, but no words came out. The atmosphere was filled with electricity, your body drowning in the warmth of his presence, the sharp seriousness in his dark eyes, and you could not bring yourself to say anything. Did you want him to leave?

No, you realized in a rush of adrenaline, you didn’t want him to leave at all.

Jungkook raised one of his eyebrows. “Hm? Nothing?” He smirked, placing himself between your legs. Every nerve of your body was screaming for you to touch him, to just wrap his mouth with yours, and you simply could not respond to any of its commands. “You’re full of surprises.”

You found your voice at that comment, heart hammering against your chest. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re a smart girl, you can figure it out.” Jungkook placed one strand of your hair behind your ear, his gaze flickering down to your chest. From where he stood, he could see the beautiful mounds of your breasts peeking under the fabric, licking his lips at the sight. “Can I at least say that I like your dress?”

Jungkook’s palm slithered up your knee before you could even react, moving towards your inner thigh and raising your dress along with it. His touch was electrifying, and you found yourself craving more of it, a sigh caught on your throat at the tenderness of his hot skin.

“Something tells me that your compliment isn’t so innocent,” you told him, leaning your head back slightly so you could hold his gaze. “Aren’t you gonna complete that and say that I would look better without it?”

Jungkook chuckled. “The idea is compelling, I’ll admit it,” he said, rubbing soft circles on your skin. His other hand slithered around your waist, pulling you closer to him. “But don’t need to take it off to fuck you.”

Your eyes grew wide at that, brain short-circuiting. You frankly couldn’t believe that was happening — the fact that Jungkook was so shamelessly trying (and honestly succeeding) to initiate sex with you. In a fucking church too, of all places. “What- what did you say?”

“You heard what I said.” His stare didn’t falter. Jungkook was looking at you like he could eat you whole, and you seriously wouldn’t mind if he tried to. You'd deal with the social and psychological implications of that another time. “Just tell me to stop and I’ll do it, princess. No hard feelings, promise.”

This time, you spoke out and the firmness and certainty in your voice surprised even yourself. “I don’t want you to stop.”

“No?” His voice sounded like honey, so deep and melodic even through the thick layers of his sarcasm. You had never heard him get so serious, so focused, and the thought that it was all for you was igniting a fire inside your guts. “You wanna get fucked in a church?”

You bit your lip, blinking up at him. The point was: you wanted Jungkook, of all people, to fuck you. The fact that it was in a church was just the cherry on top, and you didn’t care about it as much as you should — your mom would be weeping blood if she knew what was going on, but you weren’t planning on telling anything to anybody. “And what if I do?” You asked back teasingly.

Jungkook smiled, knocking the breath right out of you. You could only hope that you didn’t look as horny as you felt, because your pride was still on the line. “Told you that you were full of surprises.” He pushed one of your legs open, making you lose your support on the floor. Now, both of your feet were dangling off the edge, body trapped between his strong arms and thighs on either side of him. “Are you a virgin, baby?”

You shook your head, and your voice reached you a bit later. “No.”

“Naughty,” Jungkook said, leaning in. He stared at you like a lion stalking its prey, his gaze lingering on your parted lips before, at last, he tilted his head to the side, deciding to move towards your neck instead. “But if you have the taste I think you do, you probably had some lame missionary sex with some goodie-two shoes.”

When he started kissing your neck, you almost forgot to give him a response. You had to bite your lip to suppress a moan, instead producing a low, shaky sigh. “And if I did? What’s the problem with some lame missionary sex?”

“No need to get mad, I’m on your side here,” Jungkook said, one of his hands navigating up your waist, between the valley of your breasts, before grabbing your boob. That time, you couldn’t hold back the whimper that escaped you. “Did he make you cum?”

“Sometimes,” you said, slightly flustered. You didn’t think you’d be discussing your sexual history with Jungkook, but, well, there you were. “He was alright.”

“Only sometimes?” Jungkook chuckled, the vibrations of his deep timbre vibrating through the sensitive skin of your neck, his thumb grazing your nipple. The heat between your legs only grew, your entire body practically begging to feel more of him. “That’s a shame, I could do better.”

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t start getting cocky.”

“I never stopped being cocky,” he responded without hesitation. Well, he was right. “And I do have a good track record.”

“Doubt it,” you said, the ghost of a smile lingering on your lips. You knew that you were playing a dangerous game, pressing right at the weak spots of his inflated ego to see how he would react. Perhaps you’d be luckier trying to poke a bear with a short stick. “You wouldn’t know the difference between a real and fake orgasm even if it hit you in the face.”

Jungkook leaned back and looked at you for an instant. You knew he had caught onto your challenge straight away. He liked it as much as you did, there was no doubt about that. “Let’s see, shall we?” he asked. There was no denying the devilish aura that was all around him now, suffocating you with its tempting heat. “How long do we have?”

“I’m locking up the room tonight,” you said, watching as his eyes sparked with an emotion you could not decipher. “But I wanna get home before ten. Have homework.”

You could see him fighting against the natural urge to ridicule you for saying something like that at such an odd time, but, at the end, he managed to avoid it. “More than enough time.” Jungkook placed one hand on the back of your neck, gaze darting hungrily toward your lips. “Come here.”

And then his mouth was on yours, and everything else was white noise. Jungkook kissed you much slower than you had anticipated, taking his sweet time caressing your mouth with his; hands exploring the curves of your body and teasing their way underneath your dress. He sighed heavily against your mouth when you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss, his soft tongue poking out and entering your mouth perfectly. Jungkook was a good kisser, you had to admit it, and he got your knees weak sooner than you’d like.

His body was hot and firm against yours and you could feel the outline of his abs underneath your fingers as you trailed your hands down his torso; his quick heartbeat drumming on your palms. Jungkook’s breathing got heavier as you hooked your fingers on the hem of his pants and tugged him toward you. Instantly you noticed the outline of his hard cock against your inner thigh.

Then, something switched. Just as you had reached out to touch his hardness, squeezing it lightly underneath your fingers, Jungkook groaned against your mouth and bit down on your lip. You had barely any time to react before he was pulling away from the kiss, gaze darkening.

“Such a tease,” he mumbled hoarsely, his breath hitting your mouth in soft waves. His hand was hovering over your heat, his middle finger pressing down on your sensitive nub, making you whimper. “You don’t know what you do to me.”

Jungkook was much quicker than your thoughts and, within a second, the motion of your panties being pushed aside made you fumble closer to him; your hands holding tightly onto his shoulders when he finally decided to touch you.

“Fuck,” he groaned next to your ear, making your mind go blank for a split second. The teasing motions of his digits brushing your entrance were enough to make you whimper, hips thrusting forward in a failed attempt to make him move further. “Look at this, you’re soaking my fingers. Wanna get fucked that bad?”

But he didn’t let you respond. The sudden intrusion of two fingers inside your pussy made your back arch, nails digging in the leather of his jacket as Jungkook opened you up. “I—” you tried to speak, but it was hard to think when he started pumping his fingers in and out of you. The sounds of your wetness were a filthy symphony filling the quiet atmosphere. “Jungkook, what—”

“God, that’s so tight,” he groaned, speaking through clenched teeth. His voice was enough to shut you up at the spot, a frail moan dripping from your lips. “Relax, baby, you’re too tense. Let me take care of you, alright?”

You nodded, eyes drifting shut as he continued to pump his fingers in and out of you. You hated to admit it, but Jungkook was already winning against your ex by a long shot: the way his digits brushed inside you, gradually moving apart to stretch you, got you searching — begging — for more. You were sure you could cum around his fingers and, when he curled them up and they dragged against your sweet spot, the idea became a lot more palpable.

“Jungkook, you’re taking too long, I’m gonna cum like this,” you complained, chest rising and falling under the waves of your upcoming orgasm. You could feel it building up in your stomach, ready to snap, and you didn’t want it to happen around his fingers. “I wanna feel you.”

Jungkook breathed out at your needy request, placing a kiss against your jaw. “I’m just getting you ready for my cock, baby,” he said. A loud moan dripped from you when he unceremoniously added a third finger, your legs trembling on either side of his body. “I don’t know if you can take it.”

You scoffed. “Don’t flatter yourself,” you said, only half aware of the fact that your voice sounded more like a whimper than a serious comment. “I can.”

He smirked wickedly. You really were pushing his buttons. “We’ll see about that,” Jungkook responded.

Within a second, right as your orgasm was about to wash over you, he removed his fingers from your pussy. The frustrated moan you let out was quickly swollen by him, his mouth rogue against yours and the sweetness of his tongue intoxicating you — probably those stupid cupcakes, you thought.

“Turn around for me,” he asked.

You quickly did as he requested, putting your feet on the ground before turning your back to him, hands leaning on the table. Jungkook placed one hand on the curve of your spine, pushing you down until you had your chest against the surface, ass perked up and pussy in full display for him. There was a gush of cold air against your flesh when he pulled up the fabric of your dress and tossed it over your waist, exposing your lower body for him.

The boy hummed at the sight, one of his legs kicking your feet apart so he could position himself in the middle of your thighs. “You’re pretty all around,” Jungkook commented, one of his palms grazing your asscheek before grabbing it. His motion was harsh, needy; earning a whimper from you. “Knew you would be.”

Through the dense clouds of your desire, there was still some part of you that managed to make fun of that situation. “You spend your free time thinking about my ass?”

“Won’t answer until I have a lawyer present,” he joked.

You felt his fingers hooking around the fabric of your panties, pushing it further to the side so you had your cunt fully exposed for him to see. The drumming of your heartbeat almost drowned out the low groan he produced at the sight of your flushed heat.

“Princess, your pussy is dripping so much…” Jungkook trailed off, one of his fingers tracing a line between your lips. He felt the urge to eat you out, to lick you completely clean and make you cum on his tongue, but he decided that would have to wait for a different time. “Is this all for me?”

“Yeah, all for you,” you said, weak. There was a thundering exasperation building up inside you, motivated from your denied orgasm and from the way that Jungkook was taking his sweet time.

“Good girl,” he mumbled and your chest was filled with pride. “Can’t wait to fuck it.”

“Then don’t wait,” you practically begged. “Just rush.”

He removed his finger from your heat. “Shh… be patient,” Jungkook told you and you swore you could practically hear the smile in his voice. You could hear him shuffling behind you, the sound of his zipper opening echoing around that still room. “I’m gonna give you whatever you want.”

You whined at the abrupt feeling of his warm cock rubbing between your folds, its tip hitting your clit after every languid thrust. “Fuck,” you cried out, shaky. Jungkook wasn’t lying when he said that he was big, his length was so thick that you were starting to get second thoughts whether you could take it or not. Not that you would ever admit it out loud. “Just put it in, Jungkook.”

But Jungkook was having way more fun just teasing you. “Pussy’s so wet for me.” He breathed out, his hands tightening around your hips. You felt him throb between your folds, and the sensation got you searching for air. “You’re soaking my cock, baby. You want it that much?”

“Y-Yeah.”

Jungkook hummed, leaning in so he could place a kiss on your shoulder. “I’m gonna fuck you like you deserve to be fucked, princess,” he promised, his length still rubbing between your folds. He was so hard and heavy that your mind was spinning, your lungs drowning in expectation. “Gonna fuck you so well that you’re never going to forget it. Do you want that?”

“Yes,” your voice was a pathetic moan, and you hated your body for betraying you so easily. “Yes, please.”

After another pec on your shoulder, Jungkook leaned back. “Be loud for me, alright?” He asked. “Can you do that for me?”

You swallowed hard — what were the chances that someone would hear you? You had no idea. “Yeah, whatever you want, just fuck me.”

“Whatever I want? That’s a dangerous thing to say.” He moved around behind you, making you flinch when you felt his cock align with your dripping entrance. The anticipation was driving you insane. “Might have to see if you’re up for it another time.”

There was an answer somewhere in your mind — you could swear there was — but it was quickly forgotten the second that Jungkook pushed himself inside you. The drag of his cock was a delicious torture, streching you out and filling you up to the brim until you were shaking under his touch, both of you moaning at the sensation.

“Oh my god.” You breathed out, hands turning into fists on the table. Your cheek was pressed against the polished wood, hot breath creating small white clouds on the surface.

Jungkook released a shaky sigh when he felt you clenching around him, your body desperately trying to move closer to him. “Fuck, baby,” he hissed, his hands holding onto your hips for dear life. Gradually, he moved himself away from your pussy just so he could slam back inside, marveling on the way you trembled at the feeling, crying out his name in the prettiest of whimpers. “Your pussy is so fucking tight. Squeezing my cock so well.”

Took you only an instant to realize that you were absolutely addicted to the feeling of his cock inside you, the heavenly push of his hardness in and out of you as he slowly started to set a pace. “Oh my god, I’m—” a pitiful hiccup interrupted you, turning your voice into a sharp cry. “That’s so good, Jungkook.”

Jungkook chuckled behind you, his thrusts starting to pick up speed. Your eyes closed in endless bliss, every part of your brain focused on the sensation of his fat length stretching you up. “Told you I’d be, not my fault you didn’t believe me,” he said, but you could tell that his confidence had started to wear itself thin — he, too, seemed to be much more focused on the way that your bodies met. “Do you touch yourself, princess?”

You almost didn’t know how to answer him, a deep heat rushing up to your cheeks. “W-What?”

“When you’re alone, baby,” he practically hissed. You were bouncing on the table then, your body jerking up and down as he fully pistoned his cock inside your heat. “Do you play with your little pussy?”

“Y-yes,” you stammered, embarrassed. “S-Sometimes.”

“Show me how you do it,” he requested in-between huffs, lust dripping from every syllable. Jungkook spoke to you like a siren, effortlessly inducting you to comply with everything he wanted. “Come on. Don’t be shy, I wanna see you play with yourself for me.”

You didn’t even know if what you were feeling was shyness, but there was a veil of hesitation that covered your actions. As your hands moved downwards, one of them clenching around the fabric of your dress and pulling it up while the other trailed over your mound, you felt strangely vulnerable, exposed. At the same time, you wanted to do what he asked you to, wanted him to wash you over with compliments until your mind was going blank.

So you closed your eyes and focused on the sensation of two of your fingers coating themselves in your wetness, then their pressure on your clit. You whined at the feeling, pleasure exploding in your veins as you started to rub yourself, tracing small circles on your sensitive spot. There was no way you could ever reach that sensation again, the sweet motions of your fingers combining perfectly with the thrusts of his hard, fat cock inside you. You were doomed.

“That’s it… just like that, baby,” Jungkook whispered, obsessed with the sensation of your walls fluttering around him. You had gotten so tight that he thought he would see heaven at any second now. “Feels good?”

“Y-Yeah, so good...” you struggled to get out, “feels amazing, Jungkook.”

“So perfect for me,” his praise shot straight up to your core, making you mewl under him. God, the way that you were tightening around him was going to drive him insane. “You feel so fucking good, I can’t stop fucking you.”

Jungkook took one of his hands to your neck, using it to guide your body upwards until you had your back pressed against his chest; his hot lips assaulting your neck. The new position made it so much easier for his cock to drill inside you, reaching even deeper and hitting sweet spots you didn’t even know you had. It wasn’t long before you were moaning out, eyes fluttering shut as the pleasure overtook you.

“Just take a look at that, baby,” his voice broke you out of your hypnotized state. “Look at you. Such a good slut, just taking everything I’m giving you, touching yourself for my cock… fuck. Could watch you like this forever.”

You had to take a moment to understand what he was talking about, and then you saw it: the window. It stood silently across the room from you, half open, and the glass combined with the darkness of the night gave a perfect reflection of the two of you. You could see yourself, the mess you had become, as Jungkook pounded in and out of you and your fingers worked on your clit; the darkness of his hungry gaze as he followed the motions of your body against his.

Even if you cried out at the sight, your body freezed up a little at the thought of someone walking by and seeing that private spectacle. The possibility itself was minimal — the window gave way to the side of the land, where a big, thick fence separated it from the nearby houses; most of the ground covered by large trees and bushes — but it wasn’t zero. You couldn’t even begin to imagine the humiliation that would come from being seen like that.

He, of course, noticed your change of demeanor right away, and you could see in the faint reflection that he had smirked at that realization. “What is it? Are you worried someone is going to walk by?” Jungkook almost groaned against your ear. His cock continued to pump ferociously in and out of you, and you couldn’t even understand your own thoughts for a moment. “That someone is gonna see you get fucked like a good slut?”

“It’s not—” a moan cut your sentence short. Not like you knew where you were heading, anyways.

“No one is gonna see you like this, know why?” Jungkook was grunting, his fingers tightening around your throat. You cried out at the feeling, your cunt clenching around him in a way that got him fucking you even harder. “Cause this is all for me. Just for me.”

Then he was pushing you back on the table, your chest crashing against the wooden surface and his hands yanking you by the waist. Jungkook was fucking you so hard that your worries left you as soon as they arrived, your mind a turmoil of desires and broken exclamations that didn’t give space to anything else but him.

“You look fucking gorgeous like this, stuffed with cock,” he marveled at the sight. There was a known wave of pleasure hovering over you, ready to crash at any given moment, and you stopped rubbing yourself just so you could prolong its arrival. “Wanna see you cum for me, make a mess for me, baby.”

The words left you in a confusing, broken order, “Jungkook, I can’t… too much… can’t...”

“Shhh, you can,” he was slowly easing you into your orgasm, his cock drilling in and out of your pussy. Jungkook fucked like a machine, fast and precise, and you didn’t think you’d be able to forget that anytime soon. “You told me you could take it, so now you’re gonna take it. Don’t you wanna be good for me?”

“I- I want to… I’m so close,” you cried out, pressing your forehead against the table. You didn’t know how it hadn’t broken yet, with the way that Jungkook was fucking you so mercilessly hard. “I’m so, so close.”

“Cream my cock, baby, come on,” he urged you on, his member throbbing inside you at the thought. Your legs were so weak that you knew you’d fall facedown on the floor if he wasn’t supporting your weight with his strong arms. “Be a good girl and cream my cock for me.”

And that was it. That was all that you needed to push yourself over the edge, submerging you in ecstasy and making you squeeze him so deliciously. “J-Jungkook!” You moaned out his name again and again, unsure of how loud you were being, but also not caring as much as you should. Jungkook realized he loved hearing you call his name more than anything else. “Fuck! Oh my god!”

“That’s it, baby,” he moaned back, his thrusts a sloppy, uncoordinated mess. He was hypnotized by the view of your cunt hugging him, your wetness dripping down your thighs as you rode out the last seconds of your orgasm. “Pussy’s so fucking tight, so fucking perfect— gonna cum too.”

You gasped out at the sensitivity that was starting to spread, every movement shaky as you tried to push yourself against him. “Yes, please.” You looked over your shoulder, meeting his hooded gaze. Jungkook looked like a god, his dark hair sweaty and messy and his lip trapped between his teeth. That image would plague you forever. “Cum inside me, please.”

He groaned loudly, eyes closing for a second. “Fuck, that’s so fucking hot,” he hissed, chest heaving with anticipation. You knew he was close, everything pointed to that, and all that you wanted was to see him reach his high, using your body like it was just a doll for him to fuck. “Didn’t know you’d want to be filled up with cum, princess.”

“I’m full of surprises.” You smiled — a pretty, fucked-out smile that got Jungkook grunting like a madman. “I want your cum inside me, Jungkook, please.”

“Gonna fuck you full of my cum, don’t worry— Shit.” The sounds he was making were heavily: those breathy, high-pitched moans that echoed all around you; broken by deep grunts that had your thighs shaking. Jungkook fucked himself in you like he was meant for it, throwing his head back and closing his eyes as he finally found his orgasm. “Fuck! That’s it, fuck—”

Jungkook called out your name and mixed it with praises and curses when he came, spilling himself inside your pussy. You sighed at the feeling, taking in the blissful sensation of having his hot cum spilling out of you, dripping down your legs as he continued to thrust inside you, milking out his orgasm.

At last, he started to wince from sensitivity. His body collided against your back, his heavy breathing fanning your neck as he tried to collect himself. “Fuck, baby,” he mumbled, “you’re amazing.”

“You’re not so terrible yourself.” You could not help the smile that appeared on your lips, nor the way that you melted against the surface of the table, drowning in his heat.

Still, you couldn’t stay there for much longer: it was already a miracle that no one heard the chaos going on in that room, and you weren’t trying to push your luck for the night. Especially since you had a pile of homework (and possibly — now cold — takeout) waiting for you at home.

You raised your body, leaning against your elbows. “I have to leave,” you told him, taking one of your hands to lay on top of his tattooed one, trying to ease his grip from your waist. “Now if you could just…”

“Shhh, shhh,” Jungkook hushed, unrelenting. He was much stronger than you, and your muscles were too weak for you to try and do much, so you eventually gave up. “Stop moving. Let me feel you around me for just a bit more.”

You frowned. “Why?”

“I like it,” he said simply. His breath was a faint caress against the skin of your neck, and you didn’t have much fight left in you. “We all have our tastes.”

You rolled your eyes. “You’re so weird.”

“Don’t kinkshame.” Jungkook pouted, then pressed a kiss against your shoulder. “You just begged me to fuck you in a church, remember?”

“Yeah, I guess I don’t have much place to judge.” You laughed dryly, then looked over your shoulder. “Why is your cock still hard? How long is this gonna take?”

Jungkook groaned, clearly annoyed. “Shut up and enjoy the moment.”

The so-called moment lasted about two more minutes (which was kind of impressive, you thought) before Jungkook softened and slipped out of you. You hated to admit but you kind of liked the feeling of having him still inside you, completing you as his lips danced around your neck; fingers tenderly playing with your hair. You never thought Jungkook would be so gentle after fucking you like that, but you guessed that you weren’t the only one that was full of surprises.

Jungkook, apparently, also liked to admire his work. After he had slipped out of you, he made you sit back on the table just so he could stare at his own cum dripping out of you, a glimmer of satisfaction in his dark gaze. He had pushed his white release back inside you and smirked up at you, asking, ever so kindly, for you to go home like that, filled with his cum.

You, of course, promptly accepted it.

“By the way,” he called when you two had already stepped out of the church, enveloped by the coldness of the night. There was only one solitary light pole illuminating his features, making him look like one of the saints in the chapel — nothing but fake advertisement, in your opinion. “Wanna know how much I got in that immunology test?”

“How much?” You asked.

“Eighty two.” Jungkook smiled brightly then, and you found yourself joining him. “Never saw a grade so high in my life. And that counts all the times I’ve cheated too.”

“Seems like the tutoring sessions are paying off.” You crossed your arms before your chest, the hem of your dress swirling around your knees. The night was weirdly peaceful after everything that had taken place.

“They are.” He nodded. “I’m looking forward to the next one. Helps that my tutor is kind of a hottie too.”

You scoffed. “So I’ve heard.”

“And, by the way?”

“Yeah?”

“You would look better without it.” He pointed at your dress, a sly smile already sprouting on his lips. “Hope to see it next time.”

“Good night, Jungkook.” You rolled your eyes, already turning around — yeah, like there would ever be a next time.

BAD INFLUENCE COLLECTION

TAGLIST:

@taehyungieskith @fan-ati--c @btstrasht @crazy4myself @sashimi-mochi @ft-multi @kooafraid @dianaaviny @ggukkieland @cryinginmypromdress @kissestothesky

#bts smut #jungkook smut #jungkook #bts #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #jeon jungkook #bad boy au #smut #reader insert #bts x you #bts x reader #bad boy jungkook #bts au #jungkook au #series #pwp #fluff

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bookwyrminspiration · 3 years ago

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If elves were actually superior to humans, they'd have better music taste. What they listen to right now is essentially opera with nature sound effects. Maybe the real reason they left the humans is because they were jealous of their music.

you. you get it, nonsie.

I honestly think the deal breaker for me, if there was one, to being an elf and joining elf world would be the music. I would love to be inhuman and take any opportunity to see a magic world, but I think the lack of music/type of music I was able to listen to would be the catch. Leaving my family behind? Sure. I can do that. Thrown into a war I don't get a choice in? I've been to public school; I'll deal. Fancy outfits all the time? Fine. I'll just alter them myself if I need to. No good music? Well...now we've got a problem.

the elves really went we love nature so much it's going to be the blueprint and soundtrack to everything and then didn't improve. They said "don't fix what ain't broke." And their society has been on the decline ever since.

Okay but seriously what is elven culture?? They feel so bland. There's no connection to any of the things they do, they just exist. I think the most intriguing thing about them is their food. But all that is fruit in glob form, essentially. Has Sophie eaten a solid food since she left the Forbidden Cities?? Oh! She had an awful pear-looking thing at Exillium! But aside from that everything is gooey and melty and all that. Someone get this girl some trail mix; all these textures are so repetitive.

But back to the music thing. Humans were out here developing individuals styles and using their voices and being loud and dissonant and discordant and taking up space and the elves went >:(((

You can listen to so many different styles of human music and see how the voice is used and it's so!! Interesting!! And all the instruments that don't try to mimic nature and are instead a sound unique to them that are used to create new noise. The elves could never. I think that's something strange about them: the imitation. There's this elven thing where they're always trying to fit a mold and live in complete harmony with something else, but part of the fun of human cultures is standing out. They all fit together because they aren't the same, because they live side by side in harmony and not imitation, if that makes sense.

in other words: elves are trying to hard.

also could you imagine that? The elves up and leaving because they're jealous of the individuality of human music? And this was before a lot of the advancements in music related to technology! I think if an elf heard EDM they'd stop functioning for at least 24 hours. Music keeps evolving for humans, yet elves have been stuck in the same ways for thousands of years.

side note: what are they gonna do when someone dies of natural age, if ever. The only reason they consider themselves immortal is because no one has died of old age yet, but if someone finally did...what then?

elven music is awful and I'm going to go back to listening to whatever it is that makes my brain go brrr !!

#I would hands down take immortality and an inhuman world no matter the cost #but I would not be happy about that music thing #sorry new government and people but I'm bringing my phone and airpods and I am blasting the my little pony rainbow rocks soundtrack #deal with it #(also those songs got stuck in my head a few days ago and now I can't get them to leave)#kotlc keeper of the lost cities #kotlc worldbuilding #quil's queries #nonsie #tw death mention

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anotheronechicagobog · 3 years ago

Text

Functional Dysfunction - Rheese - Chapter 5 - It Isn’t Salad

written by @anotheronechicagobog

warnings: swearing, mention of abortion, mention of attempting to force abortion, unplanned preganancy, Connor and Robin are still together, Jimmy is still an ass, but now so is Chilli

The next day everyone was acting weird around her. Manning and Maggie were now running away from her, Halstead couldn't meet her eyes, Choi pretended to take a phone call when they were alone in the doctor's lounge, and Doris was completely silent. That never happened. She gossiped about anything and everything, until now Sarah hadn't believed there was a force on earth powerful enough to shut her up.

A distraction came in the form of a mass casualty structural collapse at a construction site. Injured workers flooded in, while Sarah and Choi were tasked with going to the scene and treating people in the field. It was Sarah's first time working like that. So far it had only been fully stocked EDs or ORs with copious amounts of staff ready to jump into action. Here there were limited supplies, limited staff, and unlimited chaos.

So far the building they were constructing was a small five-story apartment building, it didn't have any walls or floors, it was just metal beams and underlying structure. Half of the crossbeams had just... Come off, taking the workers that were on them, towards the concrete foundation, where other workers were. It was a grizzly, awful site. There were going to be so many casualties, no doubt about it. She reached her first patient, a woman no older than twenty, whose arm was being crushed by a beam near the shoulder. It was purple. She had to amputate.

Red tag, red tag, black tag, red tag, black tag, black tag, black tag, red tag, green tag, black tag, red tag.

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She hadn’t eaten in ten hours and there were two more action-packed hours left in her shift. While she was finally back in the hospital, she couldn’t help but feel like she was still at the disaster site. One wrong move, one wrong word, and tragedy would occur. Of course at Gaffney it would be social tragedy, but still, she felt like she was navigating a mine field. She’d been on her feet non-stop since her shift started and she was feeling more mentally drained than physically drained. The other interns looked at her the way she imagined vultures would, beady eyes looking at your dying soul, ready to devour your corpse. Except... She wasn’t dying. She was in perfect health, it was apparent that they thought her career was about to be drop-kicked into an active volcano. Boy were they in for a surprise.

“Dr. Reese, scrub up, I need you in the OR with me.” Chad Dovingly, the resident “legacy” intern, almost yelled at Dr. Abrams, but Sarah watched him stop himself. “Sam-”

“Do not call me by my first name, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that. Call me ‘Dr. Abrams’ or don’t speak to me at all.”

“Right, right, my apologies. Dr. Abrams, are you sure that Dr. Reese is the right choice? I mean, I was literally born to be a surgeon, I was in the top ten at my med school, and Dr. Reese, well... Is this because she’s pregnant-”

“Stop. Talking. You may have been in the top ten of your class, but she was the first in hers. She has shown far more dedication and skill than any of you here, and I will not stand here while you not only accuse me of favouritism, but belittle your colleague and fellow intern because of a matter that is absolutely none of your business. The reason you aren’t scrubbing in as much is that you’re not good enough to yet, so if you want to scrub in more, prove to me that you’re worthy of it, because honestly so far Dr. Reese and Dr. Kim are the only ones who have done so.” He dismissed the other interns with only a head nod, leaving the two of them alone in the hallway. “Dr. Reese, the surgery is in two hours. Read up on the procedure and eat something, then meet me in OR four.” The confusion must have been displayed on her face so he sighed and pulled her to the side away from the other interns. “Dr. Manning cornered me earlier and informed me that you’ve been on your feet all day, and you’re going to be staying late. So eat something and then join me in the OR.”

“Oh, okay, I’ll see you in two hours then.”

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She had a sandwich in her bag, but she doubted that the cold cut meats would still taste good after all this time. She debated going to the cafeteria but at this time all that would be available was heavy fast food. “Sarah?”

“Hi Dr. Manning, don’t worry Dr. Abrams ordered me to eat something before I join him in the OR.”

“Good. I was actually coming to get you, we ordered pizza down in the ED and I was wondering if you wanted to join us?”

“Something tells me you’re not going to take ‘no’ for an answer.”

“A correct assumption, come on it should be here by now.”

They were almost at the doctor’s lounge when Sarah couldn’t ignore the need to ask anymore. “... You know, don’t you?”

“Yes. We all do. I’m sorry that we’ve been avoiding you all day, we just didn’t want to ruin the surprise.”

“What sur-”

“SURPRISE!” Sarah jumped out of her skin and then looked around the lounge. There was a shiny blue ‘congratulations’ banner along the back wall, streamers taped to the ceiling and a stack of pizza boxes on the table. “We want you to know that we’re here for you and that we’re happy for you. I know that you don’t have a lot of time, she needs to scrub up at OR four in... one hour and fifty-one minutes, but celebrate with us a little now, we just want to make sure that you feel supported.”

“And that you eat, no one needs you fainting in an OR.”

“Thank you, all of you, so much... I really appreciate this, I was pretty scared at first, I still am, but I’m confident in my decision.”

“Trust me, we know Sarah.” Puzzled, she looked around at her co-workers and found them all snickering in the direction of Connor and Robin. Connor blushed and lowered his head with anawkward smirk while Robin rolled her eyes. “Doris tried to talk smack and I can honestly say that I have never seen someone get verbally eviscerated so viciously. Showed all of us not to mess with Robin.” Everyone around her chuckled and seemed to unanimously agree with Maggie. “Thanks.”

“No problem, Sarah. Besides I think it was about time someone knocked her down a peg. I mean, I know that gossip is just a part of hospital life, but she just takes it to a whole other level.”

Maggie and Nat were the least tense around her since this whole thing started, Choi and Halstead just seemed relieved that there wasn’t anything wrong with her, April and Noah just seemed content to make her laugh as loud as possible, Robin made sassy quips about the two of them sticking together, and Connor just made sure she always had pizza on her plate. They exchanged a smile when he made sure that she was the first one to eat ‘I know that it’s not salad but it’s still pretty good’. Sarah couldn’t have been more delighted to see Connor moving more freely, lighter, with an enormous weight having been removed from his shoulders.

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The surgery... Did not go well, but it wasn’t anyone’s fault thankfully. Their patient had the largest tumor she’d ever seen in the centre of their brain and when Dr. Abrams removed it, it looked horrifying to be frank. There was literally a hole in this poor man’s brain which unfortunately resulted in brain damage. It was a serious risk from the beginning, so the patient and family had been informed numerous times in the days leading up to and of the surgery. Delivering that news had been assigned to Sarah and she was not looking forward to it. She left the recovery suite where the patient has just been examined after waking up and went to the waiting room where his husband was waiting along with his twin sister were after Dr. Abrams told them to wait while they examined him. “How is he?”

“He’s okay, right?”

“I am so sorry to tell you this, but he did sustain significant brain damage and it’s very likely that it’s permanent. There’s also a possibility that he could... Pass away due to the severity.” The second that the word ‘sorry’ was out of her mouth they both broke down in tears, holding onto each other for dear life. “You can see him, if you want, and I can explain a few things. Dr. Abrams will check on him again tomorrow at seven am, to give him more time to improve-”

“So, he could get better, my brother could recover.”

“I need to stress that while that is a vague possibility, it is incredibly unlikely, and I don’t want to get your hopes up. I’m so sorry.”

“... Can you take us to him? Or at least me? I totally understand if you can’t see him yet, he’s your twin, but... We- He’s the love of my life. I need to see him.” Sarah nodded and gestured for them to follow her, she wasn’t sure if his sister would at first, but she did, with a far-off, grave look in her eyes. Sarah tried not to think about it, after all, this poor woman was just told her twin brother suffered brain damage and would probably never be the same again, she was allowed to react however she needed to. Still... Sarah couldn’t help but feel like foreshadowing had taken physical form, like her patient’s sister knew more than she was saying.

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Sarah had forty minutes left in her shift when alarms started blaring. She knew before she even turned around who it was and what the outcome would be. Despite being in her usual ‘crap someone’s dying’ speed her ankles felt like lead, and her soul had stayed at the computer she was working on. Her mind was still there, still searching her head for the best course of action before conducting it, giving orders to nurses, telling someone to get his loved ones out of the room, and shouting for someone to page the on-call neurosurgeon... But it was no use. And from the way everyone was looking at each other that this was the outcome they expected. “Time of death, 21:37.” Her voice felt so out of place, the vibrations her thoat made were irritating. The late patient’s fiance and sister were in the doorway. He was sobbing so inconsolably, so loud, it made Sarah’s heart clench. She however, looked numb, like a part of her just died. She looked Srah dead in the eyes and Sarah’s heart broke all over again. She’d known. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you Dr. Reese... I know that you and Dr. Abrams did everything you could. Could- could we have a moment with my brother? To say... Goodbye?”

“Of course.”

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When she finally left the hospital she was in tatters. She wasn’t sure if it was the pregnancy hormones or if it was her patient’s death, but all that she really wanted to do was cry. No, she needed to cry. Sadness and despair was bubbling up inside of her and she just didn’t want to keep it inside her. But of course the universe had other plans. When she finally made it to her car the last two people she wanted to see were standing beside it and sitting on it. She sighed, on the verge of tears and not in any mood to deal with either of them. “Jimmy. Chilli.”

“We need to talk.”

“We don’t actually. We really, really don’t. You don’t want to be involved and that’s fine. When they’re born we’ll do a paternity test because that’s what’s required for you to sign away your rights, and then you’ll do just that, and then you’ll walk away. It’s okay.”

“No it’s not. I’m not okay with you having my baby.”

“And I’m not okay with it either, he’s my... Boyfriend and I don’t want another chick to have his child.”

“Okay, first of all, neither of you get a say and whether or not I have this child. My body, my decision, that’s it. Second, Chilli, you have absolutely no say here in anything. You are not the mother or the father and I’m not even sure if you guys are dating given your hesitation in calling Jimmy your ‘boyfriend’ and you have such a volatile on/off relationship, you get zero say in anything even remotely related to my baby.”

“HEY! DON’T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT-”

“Speak to me like an adult or don’t speak to me at all. You don’t get to yell at me, you don’t get to use that tone with me, it’s not okay.”

“I CAN SPEAK TO YOU HOWEVER I WANT! AND YOU ARE GETTING AN ABORTION EVEN IF I HAVE TO DRAG YOU THERE MYSELF!” In the next three seconds Sarah observed three things:

There were two of them and one of her

They were in a dimly lit, poorly monitored parking garage alone

They had to deal with violent people at their jobs more than she did and would likely overpower her

“The hell she is! She made her choice Borelli and you didn’t get a say in it!” Okay, so #2 was not true apparently, as Connor walked closer to them from the entrance. “This isn’t any of your business doc, so just go, okay?”

“You’re threatening my friend in a dark parking garage. Yes, it is my business. But it isn’t yours, you’ve said that you don’t want to be a dad, so you won’t be, and I don’t even know why Chilli is here, so you two need to get off of Sarah’s car and leave her alone.”

“No. We don’t have to listen to you. I’ll talk to her however I fucking want, I don’t have to move away from her car, and Chilli doesn’t have to get off it. Fuck. Off.”

“Connor, you worked a long shift, you shouldn’t have to stay for this, I’ll figure it out.”

“I appreciate the thought Sarah, but you worked a long day too and I’m seriously worried about your safety around them. Why don’t I just drive you home? It really isn’t a big deal.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I am-”

“HEY! DON’T TALK ABOUT US LIKE WE AREN’T HERE! AND THIS ISN’T ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS!”

“Oh, go suck an egg, Borelli. Lead the way, Connor.”

“Gladly.”

They’d managed to make it to his car before the, quite honestly delusional, couple(?) realized they were seriously leaving, and Connor was pulling away with them shouting expletives and trying to chase the car on foot. “Thanks Connor, I really appreciate this.”

“Anytime Sarah, seriously. I care about you, you’ve become someone I trust and I want you to be safe and happy. I’ll help to make that happen if you ever need it.” Maybe it was the hormones, the encounter with Jimmy and Chilli, or the day just catching up with her, but she just couldn’t keep the exhaustion and gratitude out of her voice. “Thank you.”

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eclecticvalor · 4 years ago

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7 Things I experience as a DID System. Mental Health Awareness Month.

In light of May being America’s mental health awareness month, I wanted to talk about something that has consumed my entire life for the past year and a half: Treatment and healing from a disorder that is stigmatised into the ground by poor representation and misunderstandings both socially and in the medical field. Those who are close to me know first hand how my symptoms and experiences have shaped the way I interact with the world since starting treatment, but aside from my closest friends and family, and the people I live with, I don’t normally talk about the fact that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and what that means to me.

Hi. My name is Atlas, some people call me Cadyn, and I am the primary host of 26 fragmented parts of my consciousness. I am not dangerous, none of my parts or alters are dangerous, and no, it is not like “Split”.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a trauma based dissociative disorder listed in both the DSM IV and V, and is recognized as an uncommon disorder characterized by two or more distinct personality states existing within the same consciousness. These personality states come to be when natural childhood development is disrupted by severe, continued, or repetitive, trauma, the child has a natural inclination towards heavy dissociation, and a lack of adult or parental support to develop the means to cope with the things happening to them.

Unfortunately popular mental health media has seen an uptake in people viewing DID as a quirky “trait”, the ability to have functional imaginary friends living in your head... but in reality DID is a lot darker, a lot scarier, and isn’t something I’d wish upon my worst enemy. Because of this media spike I wanted to share 7 things that living with Dissociative identity disorder means to me

1. Amnesia

Living with DID means that I miss out on a lot of my life. A primary symptom of DID is amnesia. I have no solid memories before the age of 13, and the memories I do have are often skewed, incorrect, or completely false as my brain fought for a way to fill in gaps and cope with the loss of memory. I forget a lot, and not just things like forgetting where I left my wallet and keys, or forgetting the day - those do happen, but I also mean forgetting big things, important life experiences and things I wish with all my being that I could remember like my highschool graduation and my wedding reception.

I often forget important day to day things that make it difficult to maintain life as an adult, like doctors appointments, work schedules, meetings, and important daily tasks. I’ll forget that I’ve eaten at all that day and risk going days without eating, or overeating due to having no recollection of the last time I’d eaten. I forget birthdays (especially my own), anniversaries, and important holidays.

To an outsider, who has no idea what’s happening inside my head, this can come across as though I’m thoughtless or unreliable. That I am cold for forgetting an important date, or simply that I just don’t care when this very much is not the case.

2. Alienation

Oftentimes DID comes with a sense of alienation from people who you’re supposed to know. For me a really clear example of this is when I previously mentioned my childhood memories being skewed - I have a clear memory of a conversation I was having with some blood relatives a few years back in which I mentioned that one family member I had happy childhood memories of, and remembered playing together as kids, but with another family member they were practically a stranger to me. I had, and still have, no memories of ever spending time with them growing up, no memories of having any kind of relationship with them at all. My understanding of our relationship was that it was “forced” because we were family and our parents expected us to exist in the same space as we grew up, but that we never talked. But I was informed by a separate member of the family that I was very wrong, and this “stranger” was actually someone I had been close to growing up. This is a common experience with DID patients, and also a very frustrating one. It creates feelings of “You know me but I don’t know you”, and it’s extremely difficult to trust your own judgement of the people you know, because you often can’t tell if your judgement is skewed by your memories or lack thereof.

3. PTSD and Flashbacks

A diagnosis of C-PTSD (Or complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is required for a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. This means that while the individual symptoms of DID can be frustrating, scary and sometimes depressing, the most difficult aspect of DID, and the most important to focus on in treatment is the PTSD symptoms.

PTSD symptoms in DID can be extremely powerful due to the additional dissociative aspect. This can mean that for a lot of DID patients, flashbacks can produce full blown body sensations, hallucinations and terrifying delusions. This is One thing that I find incredibly difficult to talk about, but I also believe is extremely important to understand. It can be embarrassing, shameful and while I only speak for myself in saying this, can cause a lot of guilt and grief. There have been times where I have been experiencing powerful flashbacks and did not recognize my own husband, resulting in lash outs and fear towards him being delusioned into thinking that he was out to hurt me, or had harmful intent for just existing in the same space as I was.

For me, a single wiff of a familiar smell, hearing a sound, a certain color, an idea, a name, a passing thought or comment can throw my previously stable mental state into one of pure panic, hyperventilation, hallucination, delusion, fight-flight-freeze and reactionary responses. Through treatment I’ve developed adaptive and healthy coping skills and management responses but trauma responses can be so quick, and so unexpected that I don’t always have time to process my coping skills before my body and mind respond in negative ways.

4. Decision making and skewed Behavior

Because living with DID, means living with a shared or fragmented consciousness, this often means that while I may not remember, my life is still being lived during my time of memory loss. Alters or parts will take control and operate my body, reacting to things, interacting with people, completing tasks and functioning. But oftentimes parts who take control are very different from myself, and make choices and decisions that I wouldn’t normally make, and sometimes decisions I wouldn’t *ever* make. An example of this is the fact that technically I am a conservative voter, despite myself as an individual having leftist or NDP views, or decisions to leave or apply for jobs and work positions that I have no interest in, or that I don’t even have the qualifications or physique to do, or leaving ones that I personally loved and excelled at. This also reflects a lot in everyday life in more subtle things, decisions like what food to eat, things to buy, activities to do shift between parts while they’re in control.

To outsiders this can look a lot like impulsivity, lack of self-control, or lack of a sense of identity. This is a huge reason why a lot of DID patients are often misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder because the behaviour between alters can be so drastically different that it can look a *lot* like manic or depressive states.

5. Denial and Dismissing Trauma

A very common experience among DID patients is denial and being dismissive or disregarding the things that happened to them. I often find myself in a state of questioning whether my symptoms, my disorder, and even my trauma were ever real to begin with. In therapy I find myself saying “It’s not that big of a deal” or “It wasn’t that big of a deal” more times than I’m actually saying anything productive. A huge part of this is why I wanted to make this list, because the media, and a lot of medical circles deny that DID exists or believe it’s impossibly rare and those, while both false, can cause intense feelings of “Maybe I’m just doing this for attention”. DID is a very real, very difficult disorder to diagnose, to treat, and to live with disorder, and while it is uncommon, statistics show that approximately 1-2% of western population is diagnosed, and up to a suspected 7% are living with the disorder undiagnosed because of these misconceptions. It is not common, and it’s not something that everyone is going to have, but it is a very possible response to very real trauma and is a valid diagnosis to give to those meeting the criteria.

6. Hidden Symptoms

DID is often referred to as a “covert” presenting disorder. What this means is that most commonly outsiders, friends, family, employers and even the patient themselves can have a nearly impossible time recognizing the symptoms, and it often goes unnoticed until an event destabilizes the function of the person’s life. This can lead to a lot of backlash or denial coming from peers and family close to the person. This leads to the patient hearing a lot of: “I’ve never noticed personality changes”, “You don’t act like you have it”, “You couldn’t possibly have that”, “No, I would have noticed”, “You have to be mistaken”, “There’s no way, it would have been obvious”. And so, so much more. The reality of DID is that it’s *not* noticeable. It’s a safety response that the brain created to protect the psyche from the intense damages that come with long term trauma experiences, so it’s often designed to hide itself from abusers or perceived threats as a way to compartmentalize trauma memories and maintain the ability to survive through stress and unstable situations. Not being able to “notice” is kind of the point in most cases.

7. Wandering and Dissociative Episodes

Living with untreated or unmanaged DID can potentially be dangerous due to episodes of dissociation, “wandering” experiences (where the patient will wander away from home, family, or life in a confusion, attempt to return to a perceived life never lived, or in a state of belief that their current life is unsafe). For me this took a head last year, and was actually an event that led to the solidification that this disorder was the explanation to my experiences. According to nurses and my husband, I had wandered into the emergency room of a hospital in the middle of the night, with no idea who or where I was, with no idea how to return home, or even where home was. I was wearing a t-shirt, and it had been raining, and my body was so cold they needed to retake my vitals nearly 6 times because they were unable to get an appropriate reading. After discovering my identity, my husband was called to take me home. Working with a therapist helped to develop a safety plan during events like this to prevent harm from coming to my body, or from ending up in newly traumatic environments, but I was lucky. These situations can lead to re-traumatization, victimization, it can lead to kidnapping, assault, it can lead to being injured or harmed by environmental factors and so much more and it is so incredibly important that DID patients work with their therapist to develop solid safety plans proactively to make sure that the patient doesn’t experience any worst case scenarios during episodes like this.

Conclusion

My experiences are individual to me, and to my psyche. Not everyone will experience the disorder the same way, because not everyone experiences or responds to trauma the same way. I am so lucky, and extremely privileged to be able to access consistent care and treatment, that I found a professional who trusts me, and is focused on stabilizing and supporting. Too many people living with this disorder have no access to supportive mental health care because of the misconceptions that parts of the medical field hold regarding the legitimacy or frequency that the disorder develops, and too many peers and circles of people outcast or disregard the very real, very difficult experiences because they don’t understand the disorder, or believe it doesn’t exist, or believe it looks like split. If you, or someone you know is struggling with Dissociative symptoms, or dissociative identity disorder do not be afraid to reach out to a professional for support, and educate yourself on the reality of the disorder.

#dissociative identity disorder #DID System #dissociation #mental health awareness #mental illness #mentalhealthawareness #mental health #actuallydissociative #dissociative amnesia #education #psychotherapy #experience #actuallytraumatized #trauma #actuallydid #did/osdd

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aer-in-wanderland · 4 years ago

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구미호뎐 | Tale of the Nine Tailed - Lost in Translation EP03

The saga continues: part three in a series in which my sister and I pick our way through all the (mis)translations, humour, and cultural subtext that dropped from the fan-subbed version of TotNT. Thank you so much to everyone who bought us coffee - this one’s for you. ;)

Before we begin, for anyone just joining us: EP01 / EP02.

We pick up back where we left off last episode with Yeon dressing Ji Ah’s wound.

Yeon’s line that’s subbed, “Stop being a crybaby” can be a bit hard to translate. The word he uses is ‘eomsal,’ which literally means, ‘the exaggeration of pain; feigning pain; a great fuss about nothing.’ So he’s essentially saying she’s overreacting. I'm not a fan of the use of the word ‘crybaby’ here though personally.

“Long time no see, Lee Yeon.” > > > 12 Hours Earlier.

We see Thirsty meet his ignominious end in a toilet (we never got character names for these guys so I’m just going to call them ‘Thirsty’ and ‘Hungry’).

Elsewhere on the island, Rang fishes a curse doll with the man’s picture on it out of the surf. That’s quite the atmospheric shot. Point to the director.

Episode 03 Title Card: The Secret of the Dragon King

We open the following morning as Ji Ah and the man who found the body (who Ji Ah refers to as ‘Captain’) examine the scene.

Sub: “Being at sea wasn’t enough and he drowned himself to death.” I’m not sure that sentence even makes sense. I would have translated the man’s line as: “Ho~ Let no one say he wasn’t a seaman. He managed to kick the bucket by drowning [even on dry land].”

Sub: “Talk about it being all for nothing. This is what he gets after throwing himself at his life.” Um, what now? The line is: “Human lives are so futile. And after he clung so viciously to life, too.”

Lol Yeon. “I see someone threw a party.” I like this sub. What he literally says though is: “Oh~ Looks like it was a really special night.” (‘special’ here is in English).

Sub: “He smells like a stinky fish.” What Yeon literally says is: “Ugh, a smell like rotting fish is coming from this kid!” Yeon refers to the man as ‘yae,’ which literally means ‘this kid,’ but can also be used to refer to inanimate objects. So, either way...pfft

Appropriately, the BGM playing as Pyung Hee casts her curse is ‘Shaman.’

Back over to Yeon and Ji Ah as they investigate the body. The chyron on the screen reads: ‘The first survivor of the Milky Way (Deceased)’ Irony-(probably)-not-intended.

We get another chyron not long after, over a shot of Pyung Hee’s father’s head being returned to shore that reads: ‘Seo Gi Chang (Died aboard the Milky Way)’

Lol None of this has stopped Yeon from nomming on his banana milk. I had thought the milk made him seem like a little kid, but according to Korean fans, it’s also, apparently, commonly enjoyed by old men. heh

Sub: “Besides, they’re not good looking enough.” This is a mistranslation. Yeon’s line is literally: “And besides, I don’t like the look of their faces.” What he means, though, is the feeling they give off, rather than their actual ‘looks.’ It’s a common expression in Korean. If I was translating instead of explaining, I would probably render this as, “I don’t like the look of them.”

As Ji Ah drags him out, however, Yeon can be heard saying, “Ah~ I judge people by their looks~!” I’m 98% sure this is another LDW ad lib. Basically, LDW made a joke of his previous line, as if to say Yeon cared about the look of them because they weren’t attractive enough, when really his line meant they seemed shady. It’s almost as if he predicted the bad sub...

We get a brief scene featuring the second (and only named) survivor of the Milky Way, Jin Shik. Oh, and his headless ‘visitor.’ Creepy.

The music underscoring Hungry gorging himself on raw meat is making everything worse (or possibly better, if disturbing is your jam)

I’ve said it before, but I would watch an entire series of Yeon and Ji Ah being a supernatural investigative duo.

Pfft Yeon refers to Seo Gi Chang as ‘the head’ (mogaji). I’m not sure if I should call that indelicate or irreverent. It’s a bit of both, really.

Yeon’s line here is subbed as, “What happened on the boat?” but it should more properly be: “What did you do on the boat?” He’s not just asking after the sequence of events; the line is a clear accusation.

Sub: “We met an unexpected storm that day.” Actually: “Rough wind and waves hit the side of the fishing boat.” (i.e. causing it to capsize)

I appreciate that Yeon sits back here and allows Ji Ah to take the lead.

So, as it turns out, the 11th hell is actually a fishing boat (I’m sure the cast of 1N2D will back me up on this).

Fun fact: This sequence was filmed in a green screen pool and then made to look like the middle of the ocean with CG.

As an aside, I love that Ji Ah deduced the whole story on her own and that she uses that knowledge to corner Hungry psychologically. Also, that her strategy proves more effective than Yeon’s threat of violence. It’s not so much a ‘you catch more flies with honey,’ as a ‘brain over brawn’ sort of deal.

Ji Ah: You were frightened, weren’t you? Twenty-eight days straight on a perilous life boat without water or food. They’re the perfect conditions for a person to go mad, aren’t they? First-degree burns from the hot August sun striking your body mercilessly, the boat pitching about all day; despite not having eaten, you feel as if you’ll throw up. Clenching your teeth and waiting to be rescued only works for a day or two. The more you think about it, the angrier you get. ‘Why, me? Why?!’ Around the fifth day was the crisis point. Since, in that time, not a drop of rain had fallen. Dehydration would have set in first. [...] But it’s odd, isn’t it? For having starved for 28 days, you lost too little body mass. [...] What did you eat?

Meanwhile, Yeon’s contribution to all of this is: “And you couldn’t have used a delivery app in the middle of the open ocean where there’s no wifi signal.” Pfft He has, of course, caught on to her strategy. As usual, though, he decides to take the cheeky route.

Side note: I find it interesting that, in this universe full of monsters, the first incident Yeon and Ji Ah end up investigating together turns out to be an entirely human horror.

Yo. Hungry deciding Ji Ah is food is just...ugh. Never trust a cannibal.

Luckily for Ji Ah, her guard dog fox is on the job.

Over to Rang, who asks a weeping Pyung Hee what she’ll give him in return for granting her ‘wish’. We don’t get to see her answer him, but it was included in the backstory collection.

It’s unclear to me just how much Rang is involved in ‘granting’ Pyung Hee’s wish. Like, is he the one fueling the curse somehow, or did he just teach her what she needed to know? I’m inclined to believe it’s more the latter.

We cut to Taluipa at the Afterlife Immigration Office, who’s pissed that someone’s messing with her Death List. There’s a fun mythology-related chestnut in this scene: when Hyeonuiong comes running in, he’s carrying a watering can. Taluipa accuses him of having been watching dramas, but Hyeonuiong insists he was watering the Uiryeongsu.

The chyron for it reads: ‘The Uiryeongsu. A tree that measures the sins of the dead by the weight of their clothes when they’re hung on it.’ The hanja for ‘Uiryeongsu’ (衣領樹) literally mean ‘clothing-amount-tree,’ so its name is essentially its function. In traditional mythology, it grows on the near bank of the Samdocheon. This is also the same tree that the Uiryeong’geom (geom = sword) mentioned in EP13 is made from.

“You watered a tree for 3 hours?” Pfft Hyeonuiong and watering can, exit stage right.

Minor detail: I just realized I can actually see from Taluipa’s List in this scene that one of the two fishermen is named Kim Gil Sang. Still not sure which one though, so I’m going to stick to calling them Hungry and Thirsty.

The Dragon King Scroll

Back over to Ji Ah, who examines a creepy scroll hanging in Jin Shik’s vacant quarters. Once again, the show cuts into its own dramatic tension with a moment of levity as Yeon startles both Ji Ah and me by popping open his bag of snacks with a massive bang. The contrast between Ji Ah, who’s in serious investigator mode, and Yeon, who just continues his one-gumiho snack parade, blasé as can be, adds humour to an otherwise grim situation.

Yeon’s response of, “Oh. Sorry.” is in English, making it sound, if possible, even less sincere.

On the off chance that anyone was wondering, the snack Yeon claims as his favorite here is 솜짱 (somjjang). According to the Korean fans again, this is also a food commonly enjoyed by elderly people.

Subs: “Do you know how many people in Joseon died during the 50 years of war? 3.5 million. I’ve seen more deaths than all the funeral companies in this country.” This is another case of diagonal translation. Yeon’s line is more properly:

Yeon: Between the Imjin War and the Manchu War, do you know how much of the population of Joseon-era Korea was lost in just 50 years? 3,500,000. I’m a guy who’s seen more funerals than all the funerary companies in Korea put together.

[Note: Yeon is talking about The Japanese Invasions a.k.a The Imjin War (1592-1598) and The Qing Invasion of Joseon a.k.a. The Manchu War (1636)]

As a linguistic aside, Yeon refers to himself here as a ‘nom’ (rhymes with ‘home’). If you read the breakdown of EP02, you’ll recall that ‘nom’ can mean anything from ‘guy’ to ‘bastard.’ It’s not that Yeon means to call himself a bastard, though. It’s only that the typical alternative here (i.e. ‘person’) carries the implication of 'human.’ Since Yeon is, of course, not human, he opts for ‘nom’ instead. The word gets a lot of mileage in this show in relation to all the supernaturals for that reason.

Lol This exchange about the Dragon King was great. Point to the writer. I would translate it as:

Yeon: You’re right, but it looks nothing like him.

Ji Ah: You’ve...seen him?

Yeon: Back when I was a mountain god. Well, in today’s terms you’d say we attended a leadership conference together. They over-glamorized him. He’s not this good looking.

Ji Ah’s reaction is perfect too. Her, ‘I don’t even know where to begin with that statement so I’m just going to move on’ look came across loud and clear.

Yeon’s line as he leans over Ji Ah’s shoulder is subbed: “This is just like ‘Where’s Wally?’” In Korea, the game is called ‘find the hidden picture’ (‘sumun keurim chatgi’). So the line is actually: “What is this, ‘find the hidden picture’ or something?” I’d say there’s a 50/50 chance this line was another ad lib by Lee Dong Wook.

On an entirely different cultural note, ‘Where’s Wally?’ is know as ‘Where’s Waldo?’ in North America and exactly nowhere else. Don’t ask...

This scene features the first mention we get of Imoogi. Imoogi are among the most famous Korean mythical creatures. In most tellings, they are essentially proto-dragons, though occasionally they can be baby dragons. For example, one imoogi tale claims its imoogi was the son of the Dragon King (the same one Yeon attended a ‘leadership conference’ with). Most of the lore agrees that if an imoogi stays submerged in deep water for a thousand years, it earns the chance to become a dragon, though the caveats vary widely, and many imoogi fail. Finally, while the imoogi in TotNT is evil, imoogi aren’t categorically so; some are good, some aren’t.

Rang and the Mudang

Fun fact: Kim Beom explained in his Instagram LIVE that he chose to wear a red suit partially because the color gave off the feeling of a villain, but also because it contrasted well with the green of the forest. He also named this as his favorite Lee Rang outfit.

For anyone keeping track, Rang speaks to the mudang in banmal. She, in return, addresses him as ‘Lee Rang-nim’ and speaks very respectfully.

Okay, there are a couple of things to unpack in Rang’s following exchange with the mudang:

Mudang: The Corrupt God, King of the Wicked. He is Lee Ryong-nim.

Rang: [Laughs] What’s with that? Ugh, I seriously just cringed! If you slap a fancy title* from the next world in front of its name, does a snake become a dragon?

First, the mudang’s line here is said in an archaic cant. Second, ‘Lee Ryong’ (properly pronounced, ‘i-ryong,’ since there’s actually no ‘L’ in ‘Lee’), is another name for imoogi.

Finally, when Rang says ‘a fancy title from the next world,’ he’s referring to a posthumous name/title. Nearly every kingdom to have occupied the Korean peninsula has used posthumous titles (시호), most often for deceased royalty. By giving one to Imoogi, the mudang is venerating him. Rang mocks this, seizing on Imoogi’s failure to become a dragon. (Let no one say he and Yeon aren’t brothers).

The subs have Rang referring to Yeon as just ‘Yeon,’ but he actually calls him ‘Lee Yeon.’ That’s a very impersonal way to refer to one’s older brother, which is, of course, intentional on Rang’s part. It serves as another linguistic cue to the audience as to how Rang regards Yeon at this point.

A note on the evening primrose: tvN released a short blurb about it, since, as far as I can tell, the mythology was invented for the show. It reads:

Evening primrose that has grown while feeding on the blood and flesh of corpses is the same as poison to gumiho; if they so much as touch its powder, their bodies catch flame.

While the subs consistently just say ‘evening primrose,’ this should more properly be ‘burial ground evening primrose,’ which is how the various characters refer to it.

Fun fact: ‘Evening primrose’ in Korean is ‘dalmaji-kkot’ (달맞이꽃), which means ‘flowers that welcome the moon’.

Sub: “Half-brothers, to be exact.” The term Rang uses in Korean is quite literally, ‘brothers from different stomachs,’ so it refers specifically to half brothers who share a father but who have different mothers. I mention it only because Korean viewers will have been given slightly more information about their familial relationship here than was provided in the subs.

Back over to our leads, as Yeon urges Ji Ah to leave the island post-haste. His line is subbed: “I’m saying you may die if you stay here.” That’s a perfectly fine translation. For anyone curious, though, his line is quite literally: “I’m saying if you stay here, [the conditions are] perfect for dying.”

Sub: “That’s none of your business.” Yeon’s line is more properly: “That’s not for you to know.”

Ji Ah’s response to this is very literally: “I have no intention to go home for a reason I don’t know. So Lee Yeon should find the person Lee Yeon came here to find. I have to know why my parents came to this island.” This is the first time Ji Ah uses Yeon’s full name as a second person pronoun (so basically to mean ‘you’) when speaking to him. It’s hard to make generalizations about any form of address that don’t have multiple exceptions, but in this case, using his name is a more neutral, and somewhat more familiar, alternative to some of the other pronouns she’s been using when speaking to him. To my sense, it softens her rejection of his advice a little bit.

Back to Rang. His line is a bit awkward to translate, but essentially what he says is, ‘Calling my brother a ‘mountain god’ is an overstatement/ putting it nicely.’ I might approximate this as, ‘Sure, my brother was called a mountain god.’ This is the only time in the entire drama that Rang refers to Yeon as ‘uri hyung,’ and it kills me a bit that it’s not out of fondness, but rather derision. ㅠㅠ

Similarly, when Rang says, “I’m a fox, after all. I have to repay eunhye properly,” he is, of course, using eunhye sarcastically.

The subtitle here once again says ‘the underworld,’ but Rang’s line is actually: “I’m going to go to hell, without fail. Together with Lee Yeon.” The subs really need to do a better job of distinguishing between hell and the afterlife.

We see Ji Ah instruct Jae Hwan over the phone as to what to search for in the library records. She’s split off from Yeon since we last saw them.

Elsewhere on the island, Yeon also makes a call, only his is to Halmeom (Taluipa) to ask about Imoogi. When this episode first aired, I thought it was odd that Yeon was using ‘Imoogi’ as if it were a name, since this would be like referring to Yeon as ‘Gumiho.’ He later taunts Terry-Imoogi about just that though (i.e. not even having a proper name), so obviously it was an intentional decision on the writer’s part.

Sub: “If by chance Ah Eum was born again into this world, I can’t let that thing coexist with her.” This sub went a bit sideways. The ‘by chance’ has been mis-attributed. The line is properly: “There’s no way I could possibly (i.e. by any chance/under no circumstances can I) let such a thing exist in a world in which Ah Eum has been reborn.” Yeon is already sure that Ah Eum has been reborn at this point. He’s saying that because she’s been reborn, he can’t allow Imoogi to coexist with her under any circumstances.

Rang vs Ji Ah

Ji Ah returns to Pyung Hee’s to find ‘Pyung Hee’ reading Moby Dick. This is an ironic enough choice of literature to clue her in to the fact that this isn’t really Pyung Hee. Smart cookie.

On a character note, I loved that Ji Ah’s knowledge of, and love for, world literature was threaded believably throughout the drama in a way in which it feels natural that she caught on to Rang’s hint here. Point to the writer.

Again, for anyone keeping track, Ji Ah and Rang speak to each other in banmal, as has been the case since Rang revealed himself at Ji Ah’s house in EP01. Not because they’re close, obviously, but because they have zero respect for one another. It’s a bit of a power play on Ji Ah’s part, too, since she’s (hundreds of years) younger.

Over to Yeon, who barges into the local market owner’s personal quarters to interrogate him. His line when he catches sight of the scroll on the wall is subbed: “Look at this.” This should more properly be: “Check these people out. There’s one here too.” The word he uses that I translated as ‘these people’ is ‘i-geot-dul,’ which is very literally ‘these things,’ so I sort of understand the confusion in the subs. He means the islanders though, not the scrolls. In contrast, ‘there’s one here too’ does actually refer to the scroll.

The knife Yeon throws hits directly over the slit pupil of the scroll dragon’s eye. Nice aim.

Back to Ji Ah and Rang. When Ji Ah accuses Rang of orchestrating the deaths of the Milk Way survivors, ‘to distract us,’ what she says quite literally is ‘to cover our eyes and ears.’

When Rang applauds Ji Ah’s deductive abilities, his line is subbed, “Awesome.” This should more properly be, “Outstanding,” or, “Exceptional.” I honestly believe he’s being sincere in his praise. Being Rang, though, he’s probably just delighted this makes her more challenging to toy with.

Having completed his interrogation, Yeon’s eyes change as he erases the man’s memory of the event. I suspect the reason Yeon is so cavalier about revealing he’s a gumiho is because he can basically ‘undo’ it whenever he wants using this power.

Ji Ah’s quiet, “I decline” is so satisfying. Also the way Rang pulls back in surprise haha I guess he’s not used to being turned down.

Rang’s exchange with Ji Ah is subbed as: “Loosen up. Why be so stiff when it’s just good old me?” / “Let me give you some advice since that’s how you feel. Don’t gamble with another’s tragedy just for kicks. There’s a word for people like you, you know. A colossal jerk.” This is difficult to translate, and I think the subs have done a pretty good job, but a closer translation would be:

Rang: Augh— So uptight! Are you going to keep acting this uptight, just between us* (literally, ‘between you and me’)?

Ji Ah: Between you and me, then, I’ll give you just one word of advice: Don’t carelessly role the dice atop others’ misfortune. People call jerks like you ‘sleazy bastards.’

[*Note: Rang’s phrasing implies that they’re somehow close/on good terms, but he’s being sarcastic, of course.]

First off, the word Rang uses for ‘uptight’ (빡빡하다) means ‘stiff; uptight; rigid; inflexible; strict.’ By this, he’s referring to how she never lets her guard down. I don’t know that any of those words properly conveys that, though.

Second, while I translated Ji Ah’s line about the dice very literally here (in keeping with the spirit of this post), I actually like how the subs handled it from a translation/subtitling standpoint.

Finally, the subs have Ji Ah calling Rang ‘a colossal jerk,’ but the term she actually uses (‘yang’achi saekki’) is a much stronger expletive. ‘Yang’achi’ is a term for a thug, gangster, or hoodlum. ‘Saekki’ literally means ‘child of.’ In practical use, though, it’s close to ‘bastard.’ (I really didn’t think I’d be explaining the finer points of Korean expletives when I started this series, but here we are). I approximated this as ‘sleazy bastard’ above.

Pfft Rang being genuinely offended at Ji Ah’s language. Jo Bo Ah talked a bit about what she thought of all the explicit language Ji Ah uses towards Rang in her wrap interview.

Subs: “When he finds what he wants, you’ll be begging for mercy.” No idea where they got 'begging for mercy.’ What Rang actually says is, “When he finds what he wants, you’ll see hell.” Unlike in the subtitle, Rang’s warning actually has substance to it, since he’s referring to the fact that, once Yeon identifies Ji Ah as Ah Eum’s reincarnation, their fate with Imoogi will repeat itself.

By the time Yeon rushes back to Pyung Hee’s, Rang is long gone. His line subbed as: “What did he say?” is, quite literally, “Lee Rang, that nom, what’d he say?” This use of ‘nom’ manages to come off as fairly mild. (He may be a jerk, but he’s Yeon’s jerk).

Ji Ah’s response has undergone cultural translation to become: “Even when I order pizza, I never go for half-and-half. I always choose just one.” Honestly, though, I don’t know that it was necessary. What she actually says is: “Even when I order chicken, I don’t go for half-seasoned, half-fried; I’m the type to just pick one.”

This scene was originally longer but part of it got deleted. They released the clip, though, so I’ll translate the full exchange here:

Ji Ah: I'm saying I turned him down, your younger brother. Since I bet on this fox.

Yeon: Let no one say you aren’t a learned (wise) woman. Is that all?

Rang (voiceover): Don't trust Lee Yeon too much.

Ji Ah: That's all. But...you said the two of you are brothers.

Yeon: Yeah. We’re brothers.

Ji Ah: Why are you so hellbent on destroying each other?

Yeon: It seems like you don’t know since you’re an only child, but, as a rule, the relationship between siblings is a lot like noir, just without the guns.

Ji Ah: There you go, deflecting the question again. Is that a secret, too?

Yeon: If you ever happen to run into that guy again just the two of you, no matter what, run fast. That kid* despises humans. Especially humans that look like you.

Ji Ah: Why do you keep taking cracks at people's faces?

Yeon: ...I'm hungry.

Ji Ah: Why don’t you take the opportunity to pack up and leave while you still can? Your younger brother...it seems he’s preparing some sort of special event.

Yeon: That’s what I’m waiting for.

*Note: The word Yeon uses that I translated as ‘kid’ is ‘jashik.’ This is another word that, depending on how it’s used, can either be fond or rude. ‘Jashik’ literally means ‘[one’s] child,’ but it’s also commonly used in the sense of ‘punk.’ It’s a bit softer than nom. You wouldn’t use it to refer to yourself, though.

Ji Ah’s “Why do you keep taking cracks at people’s faces?” (meaning he’s insulting/taking issue with how she looks), is referencing their exchange the previous night when he told her not to smile because she was ugly.

We cut briefly to Shin Joo eating at the Snail Bride as he sizes up Yoo Ri from a distance. Come to think of it, we never got this BGM for the Snail Bride, either...

Ramen Heart-to-Heart

Lee Yeon’s one-gumiho meokbang continues. I feel like Yeon has been nomming on something in nearly every scene this episode.

The BGM while Yeon and Ji Ah eat is a remix of Yeon’s theme, ‘The Fox’s Wedding Day.’

Sub: “Just because these ladies wear baggy pants in floral prints doesn’t mean they have kind hearts. Get digging, and you’ll find all sorts of dirty secrets.” Yeon’s line is more literally:

Yeon: Living is all the same [everywhere]~ Just because grannies in the countryside wear flower-patterned pants doesn’t mean that even their insides are flower-patterned. If you start digging, venomous and insidious years come pouring out.

Ji Ah’s response then plays off of Yeon’s turn of phrase: “Is that the case for you too? I just wondered, ‘With what pattern did you live all those long years?’” (referring to the ‘pattern’ of his heart).

On a minor cultural note: the word Yeon uses is ‘mombbae pants’ (몸빼바지), which are a fashion(?) staple in the countryside. You’ll know what I mean if you run the hangeul through a google image search. That’s where the subs got ‘baggy’ from even though Yeon doesn’t explicitly say it.

Sub: “Why have you been searching for your parents all this time?” Yeon’s line is more properly: “Then what about you? What has made you wait for your parents for such a long time?”

Sub: “I’m the same. I’m waiting for the one I miss.” I would have translated this as: “I’m waiting for someone I miss,” which is literally what he says.

Sub: “Why did you part ways when you still miss her this much?” This is a bit hard to translate into natural-sounding English. The word Ji Ah uses is ‘mi’ryeon,’ which means ‘lingering attachment.’ So her line is quite literally: “Your face is so full of lingering attachment, how did you come to part ways/break up?”

Sub: “The first being I loved was a human girl who ended up dying. It’s why I’m still hung up on her. Happy now?” Hmm... I would translate Yeon’s line as:

Yeon: My damn* first love was a human of all things, but she died, so I’m foolishly unable to let go of my lingering attachment. Happy now?

[*Note: Yeon is cursing is the phenomenon of first love itself, not Ah Eum.]

His statement is witty, because the word he uses for ‘foolish’ is also pronounced ‘mi’ryeon.’ In this case, though, 'mi’ryeon’ means, ‘foolhardy and dense enough to be stubborn to a preposterous degree.’ Which is probably a fair assessment given he’s been waiting 600 years. The sub for this line made it sound like he’s saying, ‘I’m hung up on her because she’s a human girl who died,’ which would just be weird.

Shin Joo Meets Yoo Ri

Okay, minor detail, but what exactly was Yoo Ri trying to accomplish here before Shin Joo stopped her from entering an off-limits area of the Snail Bride?

The BGM here is called ‘Skip a Beat’ (‘Kanju Jump’). I found the track title slightly surprising since it’s actually taken from an ad lib made by Kim Yong Ji (Yoo Ri) in a later episode.

For anyone keeping track, Shin Joo and Yoo Ri are speaking in a mix of banmal and jondaetmal in this scene.

We next see Shin Joo on the phone with Yeon, whining about the whole ordeal and asking an unsympathetic Yeon to come back and retrieve his necklace for him.

Yeon’s line that’s subbed as, “Deadly?” could mean more than one thing. The line is literally, “What? The thief was deadly?” The word for ‘deadly,’ though, could equally mean that she was a knockout (i.e. gorgeous). It’s probably a bit of both.

Subs: “There’s nothing more pathetic than being blinded by a woman’s beauty...” / “But you also ruined your life by falling for beautiful woman.” For the record, neither of them actually uses the word ‘beauty/beautiful’ here. I would translate this exchange as:

Yeon: You... The most pathetic thing in the world, is being blinded by a woman, and...

Shin Joo: But being blinded by a woman and wrecking your life is something Lee Yeon-nim did too, isn’t it?

Yeon: What, you punk?!

Lol Yeon’s “What, you punk?!” is a familiar refrain whenever Shin Joo unwittingly(?) insults Yeon. The word is ‘imma’ (임마) or sometimes ‘inma’ (인마). Yeon consistently uses the former.

‘Bad Fate’

Subs: “Why is that branch broken? It must’ve hurt.” Yeon is actually personifying the tree here, which makes sense seeing as he can communicate with it. So his line is more literally: “Now why has this kid gone and made a fuss breaking [his] branch? It must’ve hurt.” Which is cute.

I actually really appreciated this short scene of Yeon healing the tree. Yeon may no longer be the master of Baekdudaegan, but this scene showed that it’s still very much a part of who he is; not just his powers, but the care he has for the forest.

Fun (?) fact: It turns out this simple scene was actually a huge pain to film.

Subs: “I hope you grow well.” Actually: “Eat well and grow well.” I realize that sounds awkward in English, but the line is a directive. He’s once again speaking to the tree.

Sub: “The wind is blowing from the northwest. Something is coming.” I would have translated this as: “A northwest wind blows... Something is coming.” That’s partly a tonal choice, but it’s also a more literal reflection of the original Korean.

We finally catch back up to the end of EP02, as Jae Hwan calls Ji Ah from the library to tell her what he’s found. This time, we see her connect the first dead body in 1954 to what the forest spirit told them more explicitly.

The dates of the four incidents are: August 13, 1954; August 25, 1961; September 6, 1979; and September 7, 1987. Ji Ah quickly deduces that these all work out to be the same date on the lunar calendar: July 15th. In 2020, that works out to be Wednesday, September 2nd. If you’ll recall, the wedding at the start of EP01 was held on August 29, so it’s only been 3 days since Yeon and Ji Ah crossed paths at the wedding hall.

“Long time no see, Lee Yeon.” What is it with Imoogi and choking Yeon?

Subs: “You should’ve let me go.” More precisely: “I know, right? You should have let me go.”

Yeon’s final “What are you?” should probably have been subbed as: “I’m asking what you are!” since both his tone and phrasing have grown more insistent.

Subs: Our ill-fated relationship would’ve ended if you hadn’t stopped the boat from crossing the Samdo River. More literally:

Jimoogi: Our ak’yeon should have ended. That is, if only you hadn’t stopped the boat from crossing the Samdocheon.

The word the subs translated as ‘our ill-fated relationship’ is ‘ak’yeon’ (悪縁), which literally means ‘bad fate.’ In contrast to the broader, ‘destiny’ sort of fate (‘un’myeong’) however, ‘yeon’ (縁) is inherently relational. It refers specifically to the fate between two people (or even between a person and a place). ‘Ak’ (悪) means ‘evil.’ So 'ill-fated’ is a bit misleading as a translation since the word actually refers to the relationship between Yeon and Imoogi (i.e. mortal enemies), rather than the fact that Yeon and Ah Eum’s story ended tragically (as in, ‘an ill-fated love’).

WAIT. Subs: “No. That woman is born with a face that only I can recognize. And I don’t see it in you.” What?? That doesn’t even make sense. Yeon’s line is:

Yeon: No. That woman is born carrying a sign that only I can recognize. You don’t have it.

Obviously, Yeon is referring to the fox bead, and I’m fairly sure that was apparent since the line was intercut with the scene in which he imparts the bead to Ah Eum, but that seems like a pretty critical line to fudge up.

Jimoogi: “You really don’t know anything, do you, Lee Yeon?” It’s weird to me that they have Imoogi addressing Yeon as just ‘Yeon’ in the subs. That makes it seem like they’re friends or something...

Subs: “The scar is gone.” Actually: “The wound disappeared.”

Deadball

Subs: “We hate each other too much to play catch. I actually meant to kill you.” Wait, WHAT?! Yeon’s line is:

Yeon: Our relationship is too makjang for that. That was meant to be a deadball, actually.

Makjang, for the uninitiated, is a slang word taken from the phrase ‘the final scene’ (‘majimak jangmyeon’) that has come to refer to an entire genre, as well as particular dramatic elements or conventions of Korean storytelling. Dramabeans explain the term here. When Yeon says his relationship with Rang is ‘makjang,’ he’s essentially saying it’s overly fraught, not that he hates his brother.

He also doesn’t say he meant to kill Rang. ‘Deadball’ is a Korean baseball term for a pitch that hits a player (typically causing the game to be paused). So Yeon’s just saying he meant for the ‘ball’ to hit Rang, rather than for Rang to catch it.

On a personal note, it really bothers me when the subs spread all over the internet and they’re wrong like this. I don’t mind slight changes in phrasing or wording, but when they grossly misrepresent the characters like this it can be a bit upsetting. It’s no wonder I sometimes feel like I watched a completely different drama. ㅠㅠ

Yeon’s cheeky smile™ XD

The BGM in this scene is actually ‘The Forest of the Agwi.’

Subs: “Run away.” Yeon’s line is quite literally: ‘Get away from here,’ or even, ‘put distance between here and you.’ I mention it because I really appreciated that, despite all the danger she confronts, Yeon never once tells Ji Ah to ‘run away’ (‘domang ga’). His second ‘run away’ in the subs is also just him telling her to hurry up (literally ‘go quickly’).

The following banter between the brothers is something I mentioned in an ask a while back because all the humour had been lost in translation. To recap, though, one recurring joke the show uses plays off the word for ‘bastard/son of a bitch,’ which translates literally as ‘child of a dog’ (kae-saekki). As you might imagine, this gets a lot of mileage in relation to Rang, our resident ‘baby fox’ (agi yeou) a.k.a. ‘child of a fox’ (yeou-saekki):

Rang: This is domestic violence, you know?

Yeon: (Nodding) They say you’re supposed to raise wild children* with a firm hand (literally: hit them as you raise them), but I couldn’t do that, so I ended up raising a fox child into a dog child (son of a bitch), didn’t I?

Rang: And who was the jerk who kicked that child (saekki) to the curb? You treat me like a stray dog any chance you get.

Yeon: My little brother, I’ll have to gift you a muzzle this Christmas.

Rang’s line was subbed: “You keep blaming it on me, when you were the one who turned me into an orphan.” which I find fairly problematic since that makes it sound like Yeon killed Rang’s parents. It’s also just plain wrong; to the extent that I’m not even sure what went wrong in the translation process.

The word Yeon uses here for ‘wild children’ is ‘horo jashik’ (호로자식), which many Koreans understand to mean something like a barbarian child, but the true origin, as it turns out, is a parentless child. It’s also a term used predominantly by elderly people heh

Finally, because the dog jokes dropped out ‘muzzle’ became ‘mouth guard’ in the subs, which is both less funny and less sensical. The two are also conceptually opposed, since ‘muzzle’ implies that Yeon means to protect the world from Rang whereas ‘mouth guard’ is more about protecting Rang.

As Ji Ah continues to put distance between herself and the brothers, she happens upon the mudang’s house, which she immediately clocks as such from the obangi.

I like that Ji Ah doesn’t immediately call the mudang out for lying, but instead continues to question her knowing she’s lying. Sometimes the lies people tell can be as telling as the truth.

When Ji Ah questions her, the mudang tells her the fishing ritual is held during the ‘Ghost Festival’. This is a Buddhist festival similar to All Souls Day. In Korean it’s called ‘Baek Joong Nal’ (literally ‘hundred-gather-day’) meaning ‘the day when all the spirits gather.’ It falls on the full moon of the seventh lunar month (so July 15th of the lunar calendar), which is, of course, the date Ji Ah identified as the day when the murders were taking place. That’s why we get the zoom in and the flash to the newspaper dates: Ji Ah has put everything together.

Chyron: “Obangi (五方旗) A five-colored flag symbolizing ‘life, death, illness, sacrifice, and ancestors’”. This is the quick quotes version. Obangi have their roots in the Chinese philosophy of Wuxing, but for more on that, I’ll refer you to Wikipedia. In Korea, the colors of the obangi (red, blue, white, black, and yellow) are known as the five orientation colors, and are closely tied to both shamanism and fortune telling. You’ll notice these same colors flying outside the fortune teller’s in EP06.

I also appreciated that Ji Ah didn’t just foolishly drink the tea here. She was properly on her guard. It’s only that she mis-identified the source of danger.

Back over to our fox brothers. Rang’s line is subbed: “That was plenty of time.” This is more properly: “I think I’ve bought more than enough time by now.” So he’s actually quite overt in telling Yeon exactly what he'd been up to.

Subs: “Don’t you know why she ended up on this island?” More closely: “Do you still not get it? Why that woman ended up coming to this island of all places?”

We see the mudang encircle the creepy well with burial ground evening primrose to ward against Yeon, who is currently searching the island for Ji Ah to no avail.

Subs: “You tricked your mom while you were in her womb.” This is a bit difficult to translate. The word the mudang uses that was translated as ‘tricked’ is ‘ggweda,’ which means to ‘lure’ or ‘entice.’ So what she means is that the part of Imoogi that was reincarnated with Ji Ah ‘lured’ her mother to the island by sending her recurring dreams.

Gumiho

Lol Yeon: “I am the original mountain spirit, the master of the mountains and streams. Lift this darkness and lead me to her!” This is more literally:

Yeon: I am the original mountain god, the master of your mountains and streams.* Part this darkness and lead me to that woman!

[*Note: ‘Mountains and streams’ here can also be taken to mean ‘nature’ at large.]

Lol The line is met with silence and the soft hoot of a lone owl. That’s basically the director’s version of *crickets* isn’t it?

This line is another rare case in which Yeon speaks archaically, and it serves to make the command sound more formal and potentially magical. It’s also worth noting that he’s addressing the forest directly as a whole here (thus the ‘your’).

Fun fact: When Lee Dong Wook did his TotNT VLIVE, his promotional team made him perform this line again live just to mess with him haha

The BGM here as Yeon heads off through the forest led by his (supernatural?) fireflies is ‘Opening Title: The Legend of the Fox.’ It sounds vaguely Harry Potter-ish to me (not complaining).

For the record, Ji Ah is now speaking to the mudang in banmal out of disdain.

Sub: “Be a sacrifice. You are a very special child.” Pfft ‘Be a sacrifice’ sounds oddly funny to me. Her line is: “Become a sacrifice. I’m told you’re a very special child.” So the implication is that this information came from someone/something else.

Does anyone know what BGM this is as Yeon sprints though the forest? I think it might be another unreleased track, but I’m not positive...

Yeon’s “Halt!” is once again in olden speech. It indicates linguistically that he's in Gumiho mode.

Out of curiosity, is it not odd for people watching with subs when Ji Ah’s only utterance is ‘Lee Yeon’ but the subs just say ‘Yeon’?

Subs: “This has nothing to do with the old master of the mountain. Why don’t you keep walking?” I would have translated this as: “It is a matter unrelated to the former master of the mountain. Beg, go along your way.” She’s once again using olden-speech in her second sentence.

Lol Sub: “Says the living corpse.” I like this sub. Yeon’s line is quite literally: “With the ‘juje’ of a living corpse...” ‘Juje’ is essentially your station or lot in life, and it’s used almost exclusively derogatorily.

Sub: “Who was it that provided you with longevity you don’t deserve?” More closely: “Who was it? The one who gave you a lifespan so much longer than you deserve?”

Yeon: “I asked you whom you serve!” (literally ‘what’ you serve). Yeon once again drops into an archaic cant for this line. It serves to underline his full age and gives his demand an extra air of authority.

Yeon’s TAILS. I can’t believe this was the last we saw of them. ㅠㅠ Personally, I interpreted the firey tails as being a sort of ‘shadow’/ projection of his actual tails, which I assumed were actually more physically there (since he talks about shampooing them in the teaser interview). My sister thinks differently, though. Guess we’ll never know...

The BGM for this sequence is naturally ‘Gumiho.’ If you read our EP01 breakdown, you’ll know I was fully expecting this to be Yeon’s theme. But no, it’s the whimsical 'The Fox’s Wedding Day’ instead haha

Okay, Yeon just casually smiting the mudang is pretty badass. Seeing as he can command lightning, I’m pretty sure he was joking when he told Ji Ah, ‘even gumiho are afraid of electricity.’

If by chance you wondered what was going though Yeon’s mind when he smote the mudang, it’s featured in the EP03 subtitle poster.

I appreciated that Yeon just accepts Ji Ah at her word here when she tells him all she needs from him is one arm for support. I feel like in most dramas the male lead would have just forcefully swept the heroine off her feet amidst her protests, which I always find more problematic than romantic.

For that matter, when it became clear that Ji Ah really did need help, I appreciated that she didn’t act shy or coy and just accepted being carried without making a big deal of it.

Pfft The way Ji Ah’s eyes flash when Yeon tells her the mudang was just a human being says it all.

Yeon: “So you say... Excuse me, but you nearly died just now, you know?” This line is once again cheekily in jondaetmal.

*Ominous close up of the well*

Thank You

We catch up with Shin Joo at the supermarket as he talks to Yeon over the phone.

Shin Joo’s ‘PD-nim’ has once again become, ‘the director lady’ in the subs. *Sigh*

Subs: “Your love story is more than just famous among us.” Actually: “Just how famous is Lee Yeon-nim’s love story in our world? It’s obvious your younger brother* must have been playing tricks!”

Shin Joo refers to Rang here as ‘donsaeng-bun’ (younger sibling + polite word for person) for the same reason he calls Rang, ‘Lee Rang-nim.’ It’s an extension of his regard for Yeon, rather than for Rang himself.

Lol Shin Joo hanging up on Yeon. His love for supermarkets and fried chicken are actually in his character profile. Apparently, they’re what convinced him living as a human was worth the existential crisis that came with it.

Sub: “I’m too much of a human to easily fall asleep after such an event. Join me.” More literally: “I’m human, so on a day like today I can’t sleep sober. You* have a glass, too.”

The word Ji Ah uses for ‘you’ here is ‘ja’ne’ (자네), which is a polite term... except it’s only used to refer to people younger than you. So’s she’s talking down to him politely haha This is what prompts Yeon’s line that follows it:

Sub: “I never said anything since it could make seem old-fashioned, but you’re too informal with me when you don’t even know my age.”

Yeon: I kept holding it in thinking you’d call me an old fart, but you’re [using] banmal really blatantly. Just how old do you think I am?”

Yeon’s ‘Just how old do you think I am?’ is rhetorical. It’s not that Ji Ah is necessarily unaware of his true age, but rather that she acts as if she is.

Sub: “Those over 60 are universally considered as grandpas.” Actually: “You know everyone over 60 can be called a grandpa, right?”

Pfft Sub: “Be as informal as you like.” What Yeon literally says is, “Please lower your speech,” but he uses very respectful language to say it. I’m not sure if he’s being sarcastic, or if he just hates the thought of being considered a grandpa that much haha It’s probably a bit of both.

Aww Ji Ah promising to protect Yeon. I luff her.

Ji Ah: "Do I perhaps have something you’re looking for?” I love that she doesn’t miss a thing.

Lol Yeon: “Who am I, Jesus? Just drink what you have.”

The Vanishing

Subs: “Don’t ever resort to cursing people again. Karma can sting.” Quite literally: “You were lucky you kept your life, but don’t do such a thing* as cursing others ever again. They return, you know. Back on the one who casts them.”

*Yeon uses the disparagement marker ‘ddaui’ (따위) to refer to the act of cursing someone here. You may recall it from our EP01 breakdown.

Ji Ah chooses this moment to come running in to announce that the island has turned into a ghost town over night, which is enough to make even Yeon pause, perplexed.

I love the way Yeon and Ji Ah exchange looks here on the dock. They don’ t know what’s up yet, but they intend to find out.

‘Blue Moon’~~~ This worked great scored over the drone-camera pan out. I may be slightly biased, though.

And that concludes Episode 3. Once again, thank you to everyone who commented or left feedback on the last episode! Never hesitate to send me your thoughts, even if they’re just to say what you found funny or surprising. It helps me to know what’s of interest for one thing, but I also just enjoy chatting about the show. ;)

A brief note on pronunciation/notation: for words like ‘sa’ingeom’ and ‘mi’ryeon,’ the apostrophe is there just as a pronunciation guide. So in the case of the former, to indicate that it’s pronounced ‘sah-in’ and not ‘sine’ or ‘sane.’ Similarly, for the latter, the apostrophe is just to indicate that this should be pronounced ‘mi-ryeon’ and not ‘mir-yeon.’ I could have just as easily done this with ‘Hyeon’ui’ong’ except that’s a lot of apostrophes and I set an earlier precedent of not. It’s not an aspiration or anything fancy. Hopefully that makes sense.

Once again, I’d like to credit my sister for being the main researcher and fact-checker for these, in addition to weighing in on all the translations. I don’t always take her advice, but I do always appreciate it haha.

Thank you also to everyone who bought us coffee! Your support is truly felt and appreciated ♡ As usual, this took an ungodly amount of time, so every coffee helps haha. For anyone just joining us (or not), if you’d like to see more of these, please consider buying us a coffee. If you follow the link, you can buy a $2 cup of virtual coffee. This helps me to gauge how much interest there is, and also how much value people place on these. If you cared enough to read all the way to the end, please at least consider it. Once I’ve established there’s enough interest, I’ll proceed with Episode 4. ;)

#tale of the nine tailed #totnt #lost in translation #구미호뎐 #kdrama #korean language #happy new year!

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queenlokibeth · 4 years ago

Text

I wanted to mention a couple of things about mental health that I think are important.

I'm doing relatively well at the moment. I've managed to go to bed before 2am most days, usually at midnight, and I've gotten 6-7 hours of sleep every night. I've eaten at least 2 full proper meals at reasonable times every day. I haven't turned in any homework late. I have to consciously fight off executive dysfunction but I do manage to win. I'm doing relatively well, which is how I notice just how badly I was doing just a month and a half ago.

What I want to say is that, when you're going through a rough mental health patch (especially if that patch is like a year or more) you might be aware that "sure, yeah, I'm not doing well" but it can also sort of feel like that's just... the way it is.

In December I consciously knew that I was having an awful time, quite probably the deepest hole in terms of mental health in my life, but I had also already been living like that for almost a year, and I transitioned into this hole more or less slowly. So last December I knew that I wasn't feeling or behaving the way that I did a year before that, but it wasn't a drastic change, I eased into that pit. Think about that metaphor about dropping a frog into boiling water and it will jump out, but slowly boil it and it won't notice and die.

I was conscious about the big things: for some reason I physically couldn't get myself to start tasks. I was distracted all the time. My sleeping schedule was something like 4am-10am when I wasn't pulling an all-nighter. I was showering once a week, did laundry every 6 weeks, and lost a lot of weight. I didn't want to do anything and I had no will to go outside. I wanted to read a book but not out of real pursuit of fun, but because I felt like I desperstely needed to catch a break and force myself to do something nice for myself. What I was obviously not conscious of was what was causing all of this.

Being in a pit of terrible mental health feels somehow even worse when you are fully aware that you're completely unhealthy, and you can pinpoint all the things that aren't working right, and you try to do all the correct things to "go back to normal", but you can't, and after a year you don't really remembers what your normal feelings or reactions to things were. In this awful state I was trying to manifest a version of myself who got her shit together and showered regularly and turned homework in on time and did laundry without it taking the same effort as hiking up a mountain, but this version of myself still had the same mental state, numbness, and mental fog, since that's all I knew at the time and I couldn't remember or understand that that's not my default state as a human being. And under that cloud of malfunctioning mental connections and chemicals I was NEVER going to manage to start functioning like a healthy person again.

Why am I pointing out all of this? Because it can be hard to realise how different things can be when you start getting healthier. There are factors of my personality that I hadn't even identified as altered in December.

I'm noticing this now because I did somehow transitioned into recovering extremely quickly. While it took me a few months to fall into a shit state of mental health, and then stayed there for like a year, now in about 3 weeks to a month I flipped my life around and everything is so much... brighter.

I don't mean for this to sound like an ad a la "you can, too, flip your life around!" But as reassurance that getting better is an option, and even a "quick" one, but obviously not without help, and not without PHYSICAL aspecrs. During that month I spent time in warmer weather, seeing sun semi regularly (I had not been outside for longer than 15 minutes at a time every few days in extremely cloudy weather for a few months at that point), I didn't have school so I didn't have to stress about a destroying amount of deadlines, I "recovered" sleep (the first day I slept for 14 hours, then 10 for a few days, and then dropped to 8 consistently), I ate healthy and hearty food, and I had conversations daily with my parents, after having been completely alone for about 7 months of not talking to anyone. During the first 2 weeks I still felt like a mess, the third week was better, and by the end of the month I felt vaguely functional.

By now I'm in no way fully better but Everything Is So Different. Now I'm realising and coming back to the way I always used to behave and feel about things. I find real joy in things and I hadn't even noticed that for a year I had NOT felt joy about ANYTHING I was merely using things to cope! And I hadn't noticed because I could no longer remember that a different feeling beyond "neutral" existed!

I'm excited about going outside now even if it's so so cold, I realised the other day that I needed something from the store and I just... put on my coat and went to the door? And i surprised myself mid step that it was just... that easy. I wanted to go somewhere and I could just... go. I didn't have to psych myself up for 3 days and then end up delaying my departure by 2 hours because that's how long it took me to find the will to put my shoes on.

Anyways I saw a candle and it was only $2 and it smelled really good and I just bought it because I deserve things that make me happy and then I bought some cinnamon flavoured coffee because I WANTED to try it and I also bought this coffee creamer that I saw because suddenly it was easy to just reach into the grocery store fridge and pull it out instead of planning it a week in advance and then overthinking it because do I really need it do I have space in the fridge am I going to finish it or will it expire first only to get overwhelmed and leave the store without it only to immediately regret it and get sad about not getting it once I arrived back to my room. I enjoy drinking my coffee now, I'm not just doing it to stay awake. I can actually get out of bed at the right time even if I'm still a bit tired because the sun is coming up and it looks pretty outside. It snowed yesterday and everyone was out at night playing with it and a stray snowball reached me while I was on my way to get dinner. This poor guy that I'd never seen apologised profusely and it was so funny! There was something about everyone in masks and standing 6 feet apart taking advantage of snowball fights as a way to interact with each other that felt straight out of a Hallmark movie.

Bottomline: at your worst there isn't anything that looks tangibly better, but there is, and you start to realise it afterwards. While you should definitely go to therapy if you can/need to, and that meds can be necessary, there is so much that you can start slowly fixing (with a lot of effort, I know) that will seriously, seeiously help. I know that it might sound like bullshit or like an oversimplification, but it's true and it's stuff that you'll never truly believe will work until you're doing better and you're like "oh shit damn".

Please sleep. Please sleep at night time and have a semi regular sleeping schedule. I know that it sounds like it won't be enough (and true, by itself it probably won't heal you completely but it will sure help a lot). I would always "understand" that sleep was important and "yes mom i know that I need to sleep better" but I never interiorised how DRAMATICALLY sleep affects your entire life. Regular, good, nighttime sleep helps regulate all the hormones and chemicals that we need. If your fucked up sleeping schedule shut down production of serotonin, congratulations now you have all the awful symptoms that come along with lacking an essential component of your functioning. And I know that it's often a terrible vicious cycle of not being able to sleep properly or procrastinating sleep or being unable to just go to bed causing mental health problems which continue to prevent you from being able to fix youe sleep pattern. Please take it from me, someone who a month ago felt like she'd genuinely never be able to function semi properly again, that forcing yourself to fix your sleep is a HUGE MEGA STEP towards fully recovering. I know it now because I can see the contrast, but a month ago I didn't understand it because I was like "well yeah I need to sleep better but what's the point I'm fine it won't change much" yeah well my brain is an asshole and I was not in fact fine but rather completely empty inside and just going the fuck to sleep semi regularly has made me feel like a real person instead of a weird cryptid for the first time in months. Just go the fuck to sleep, PLEASE.

#long post #im sorry i had to share all of this i know it's long #im just genuinely so shocked by how fully different i feel now in a way i nevee ever anticipated #mine #gpoy

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writingsbyari · 5 years ago

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Sidereal | Ch. 1

Summary : Y/N Finstock never expected that her teenage years would be one that filmmakers would push towards an audience, but she expected it to be completely different than how they turned out. Being livelong friends with Stiles Stilinski and Scott McCall, and having a somewhat insane, loud lacrosse coach of a father, she had come to expect the unexpected. However, she truly did not expect for her friend to soon grow fur and howl at the moon, or the way her entire being was seeming to change with every passing day.

She truly hated Beacon Hills.

Pairing : Multi Ship (Stiles Stilinski x Finstock!Reader, Derek Hale x Finstock!Reader)

Word Count : 2237

CHAPTER ONE : STUPID ADVENTURES MAY CAUSE BODILY HARM

sidereal : of, relating to, or expressed in relation to stars or constellations

Highschool movies always were one of Y/N’s guilty pleasures.

No matter how many times Stiles would complain or beg to watch something else while Scott just rolled his eyes and listened to the argument between his two friends, she couldn’t help but love them. Maybe she had already known she wouldn’t get the stereotypical teenage years, be stuck with something she had to settle for, so she tried to live through the movie.

She wouldn’t get the big glow-up the summer before freshman year started, wouldn’t be able to strut in with her chin held high, wearing stylish clothes and confidence oozing off of her. She wasn’t going to be able to somehow juggle almost all AP classes and a personal life full of parties and boys. God, boys.

There was truly only one boy she actually wanted, but it was far-fetched and a thought that shouldn’t pass through her head because every time it did, it left a pain in her heart and a slight queasy feeling.

She knew she’d for sure only get one thing that the movies had, and that was game nights. And it wouldn’t be in the bleachers with a practice jersey and face paint, cheering one of the last names darting around the field against red mesh. No, instead she’d be right by the bench, a playbook in hand and having her father yell right into her ear, sharing bored looks with the bench warmers and frustration with the boys on the field.

Now, however, she was sprawled across the couch in her living room, her father doing god knows what in his office down the hall. They had spaghetti a bit ago, the dishes still sitting on the coffee table. Her bowl had half-eaten seconds still in it, and the TV was playing the ID Channel, something that she only watched when she was absolutely bored, seeing as Stiles crammed the same things into her head almost daily.

Y/N sighed, moving her eyes away from the screen to the dishes on the coffee table, debating internally if she really wanted to clean them now. It was undoubtedly the last home cooked meal for a while, seeing as school starting the next day also meant lacrosse started. On most nights, Y/N either stayed with her father during practices and they got something from the few fast-food and takeout places Beacon Hills had to offer, or she ate at Scott or Stiles’, which normally meant pizza of leftover Mama McCall dishes.

However, before she could fully come to the decision of whether she actually wanted to be a functioning human being, a sound outside her front door grabbed her attention. Her eyes snapped to the door, and then to her phone that was lying on the arm of the couch. The noise sounded again, causing her to jump. Craning her head to look down the hall, she could see the closed door of her father's office.

Knowing he was probably too engrossed in old lacrosse films, she stood up, grabbing her phone. She was quick in pulling up Sheriff Stilinski’s contact info, knowing he’d answer just as quickly as the operator if she were to call this late at night without prior warning.

Y/N gulped as she walked to the door. Opening it slightly didn’t reveal a serial killer or kidnapper, and she pushed the door open more, taking a hesitant step onto her porch. The street lamps lit up the empty street, her brows furrowing. Her thumb was just over the call button. She stopped her steps just before her porch turned into steps, and she let her eyes dance around her yard and the sidewalk.

After finding nothing, she lets out a relieved sigh, shutting her phone and turning on her heel, planning on going back inside to actually do the dishes again.

However, once she turned around she was met with two taller figures practically crowding around her. Her eyes widened and she let out a scream, throwing her fist out to hopefully catch one of them in the nose before they grabbed her. The two figures let out almost equally as high-pitched screams, and one flailed while the other took a step back.

Y/N’s heart rate slowed as she realized who the two people standing in front of her were, and she huffed, her brain only yelling the word “idiots’.

“Oh my fucking god! What the hell are you two doing? Trying to kill me?!” She screeched, now aiming for Stiles' shoulder with her fist. He flinched when it connected, whining out. Scott stared at her with his puppy eyes, and she lowered her hand to her side.

“We were trying not to bring attention to us! We know your dad is probably awake and-”

“Y/N! Where’s the thre-” your father yelled, pushing the door wide open and wielding a lacrosse stick. His entire posture relaxed when he noticed the two boys and the annoyed look on his daughters face, his shoulders drooping. “Oh, just you two. Dear god, can’t you just knock or something?”

You looked over your idiotic friends shoulders, nodding at her dad. “We’re good here, Pops. No threat for you to beat to death. I’ll be in soon.”

Finstock twirled the lacrosse stick, pointing it at the three teens in front of him. “School tomorrow. No stupid adventures that can cause too much bodily harm, and for all that is good no drugs. I don’t have time to deal with a daughter who has substance issues.”

Stiles smiled crookedly, giving a half-hearted salute as Scott nodded, his eyes wide at the prospect of Finstock getting mad at them for doing anything. “Yes Coach, we’ll make sure there are no drugs!”

Y/N raised a brow, not bringing up the fact Stiles didn’t agree on the whole “no stupid adventures” part. Her father seemed to notice too, and narrowed his eyes. He stared at them for a moment and then rolled his eyes, turning to go back in the house. “I don’t even want to deal with it. Be home by 2am.”

Once the door closed, Scott and Stiles turned to her. Crossing her arms, Y/N already knew where this was going. Almost a decade of friendship would do that to someone, she supposed. She also knew she was probably already growing grey hairs from the stress the two caused her, mainly the spastic one.

“My dad left about 45 minutes ago on a call.” Stiles stated excitedly, turning the girl around by her shoulders. Y/N sighed, slipping on the old boots that laid on her steps, letting Stiles lead her to the jeep.

“He’s a cop, Stiles. That is not surprising.” She stated calmly, looking over at Scott with a raised brow. He gave her a knowing look, and she stifled a giggle.

The Stilinski boy sighed, looking over at her. “I don’t like that I’m rubbing off on you two, you know. But it's not the fact he left I’m interested in, it’s the reason why.” Y/N opened the door to the death trap her friend had started driving, humming to indicate to him to continue as she climbed into the back.

“They found a body. Well, only half of one, I guess. Stiles wants us to find the other half.” Scott rushed out, hopping up front. Stiles groaned, getting into the driver's seat as he smacked at his friends shoulder.

“Dude, you totally stole my thunder there! My dad’s case, my epic reveal moment!” Y/N sighed as Scott began arguing with Stiles, leaning her head between the two seats, a small smile forming on her lips as she listened to the two.

⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴

“I’m not actually walking through the woods to find a dead body, Stiles!”

“Half of a dead body, Y/N! And why?!��

She rolled her eyes, not escaping the comfort that the jeep gave her. “Because if there's half a body, then something had to rip it in half. And not to mention your father and the entirety of the Beacon Hills Police Force are out there looking too! We have school in a couple hours, and I don’t have time to be detained!”

Scott took out his inhaler, shaking it up, looking between the two with a slightly concerned look. “If Y/N doesn’t go, maybe we shou-”

Stiles pointed at Scott, eyes wide. “No! We are going to find that body! And anyways, you wouldn’t actually be detained! Dad would never detain you!”

Y/N crossed her arms, raising a brow. Her and Stiles stared at each other in silence and Scott sighed, putting his inhaler to his mouth. He hated when they did that.

Stiles threw his arms in the air, with a small yell, and Y/N’s face broke out into a victory smile. Knowing she won, she held her hand out, Stiles griping as he dropped the keys to the jeep in her open palm. “Just...call Scott or I if you see something or if you get attacked, okay?”

“And you or Scott call me when the Sheriff drags your asses back here so I can prepare my ‘told you so’ pose.” Stiles rolled his eyes, and with one last look over the girl, he turned to Scott.

“Lets go, Scotty boy.” Stiles started off to the trees, and Scott gave Y/N one last look to make sure she was okay, and with a nod of hers followed behind him.

Y/N sighed, leaning back in the passenger seat. She hummed, closing her eyes as she decided to sit back and wait for her idiotic best friends to show back up.

⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴⟴

It couldn’t have been more than twenty minutes from when Stiles and Scott disappeared to when Y/N heard it.

Her head snapped up, looking around in the dark. Pulling her phone out and turning on the flashlight app, she hopped out of the car, huffing. She could feel the cold hit her, and with a quick look into the back of the jeep she found one of Stiles’s flannels. She quickly put it on, relaxing slightly at the warmth and the familiar scent of her friend.

Paying attention again to the noise she heard, she stepped away from the jeep, her voice annoyed. “Seriously boys, this isn’t funny. You already scared the shit out of me once tonight, let's not do it a second time.”

Silence.

Y/N’s brows furrowed and she gripped her phone tighter, holding it out farther as to see more into the seemingly never-ending darkness. “Stiles? Scott? Come on, idiots. It’s cold.”

A twig snapped behind her, causing her to spin around. Her heart was beating faster, and her eyes looked through the window of the jeep.

On the other side of the jeep, a little ways off of the side of the road was a pair of glowing red eyes. Y/N felt panic settle over her, her hand shaking. A growl emitted from the same direction of the eyes, and she felt a scream bubble up in her throat.

Backing up, Y/N had a plan to run. One that after thinking it over during her ride home she’d come to yell at herself for. Before she could set off, though, the eyes disappeared and she heard the loud voices of the Stilinski men. Shaking in fear, Y/N turned to face the sound, seeing the Sheriff dragging Stiles along.

“Ah, there she is. I knew you had to bring one of them with you.” Sheriff grumbled, tossing Stiles towards the jeep. Y/N’s panicked eyes turned to her friend, and he shook his head slightly.

“I had to have one of them, Dad. Scotty was boring and didn’t want to come, so I took the fun friend.” Y/N gulped, craning her head to look through the window in the jeep, slightly calm now that she wasn’t alone and the Sheriff (who had a gun) was there.

“I assume I don’t have to explain how idiotic and dangerous this was to you, Y/N?” The Sheriff stated, causing her attention to snap towards him. She gave a shaky smile and a small thumbs up. “Good. So, now that I know at least one of you two have common sense, you both need to get home and get to sleep. School in the morning.”

Stiles sighed, turning to head towards the jeep. Y/N tossed him the keys, getting in the jeep. It was only once they were already half-way to town did she take a breath, leaning her head on the back of the headrest.

“Scott will be fine, right? He undoubtedly is getting caught, or he called his mom. He’d call his mom, right?” Stiles rambled.

Tilting her head towards him, Y/N nodded. “Scott knows not to be in the cold woods all night long. He called his mom or found a deputy. He may be a little naive, but he isn’t dumb.”

With Stiles now slightly more calm, Y/N let her eyes drift to the side mirror on her side, terrified that the red eyes would be following behind them. Curling into the flannel over her body, she felt the calm wash over her again. She didn’t notice Stiles’ eyes and slightly blushed face.

Neither of them knew just what trouble their friend was actually in.

#stiles stilinksi imagine #stiles stilinksi x reader #derek hale x reader #scott mccall #teen wolf imagines #teen wolf #teen wolf rewrite #teen wolf series

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kellylanesvault · 4 years ago

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Critical Reasons Why Your Belly Remains Flabby

Belly fat is more of a problem than just for aesthetic reasons. It’s a predictor of heart disease, type 2 diabetes, insulin resistance and some cancers. If your diet and exercise regimens aren’t working to melt your belly fat away like they do for other parts of your body, it’s time to make a change. The following are 12 pretty obvious but easily missed reasons why your belly fat won’t go away and how to fix them.

1. You’re doing the wrong workout.

A daily run or spin class is great for your heart, but cardio workouts alone won’t do much for your waist. You need to do a combination of weights and cardiovascular training—strength training increases muscle mass, which sets your body up to burn more fat. Muscle burns more calories than fat, and therefore you naturally burn more calories throughout the day by having more muscle. Aim for 250 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise or 125 minutes of high-intensity exercise a week.

2. You’re eating too much processed foods.

Refined grains like white bread, crackers and chips, as well as refined sugars in sweetened drinks and desserts increase inflammation in our bodies. Belly fat is associated with inflammation, so eating too many processed foods will hinder your ability to lose belly fat. Natural foods like fruits, vegetables and whole grains are full of antioxidants, which have anti-inflammatory properties and may therefore actually prevent belly fat.

3. You’re eating the wrong types of fat.

The body doesn’t react to all fats in the same way. Research correlates high intake of saturated fat (the kind in meat and dairy) to increased visceral fat. On the other hand, monounsaturated fats (the kind in olive oil and avocados) and specific types of polyunsaturated fats (mainly omega-3s, found in walnuts, sunflower seeds and fatty fish like salmon) have anti-inflammatory effects in the body, and if eaten in proper portions may do your body good. Just like everything else in life, eating too much fat of any kind increases your calorie intake and could lead to weight gain, so enjoy healthy fats in moderation.

4. You do not challenge yourself enough.

To banish stubborn belly fat, you have to ramp up your workouts. In a recent study, people who completed a high-intensity workout regimen lost more belly fat than those who followed a low-intensity plan. (In fact, the low-intensity exercises experienced no significant changes at all.) You need to exercise at full intensity because the end goal is to burn more calories, and high intensity exercise does just that. High intensity workouts mean you’re going all out for as long as you can. If this sounds intimidating, think of it this way: You’ll burn more calories in less time.

5. You’re not doing the correct exercises.

If you’re doing crunches until kingdom come, you have to stop it now! When you’re down to your final inches of belly fat, the dreaded crunch won’t be the exercise that finally reveals your six-pack. You can’t spot reduce, so perform functional exercises that use the muscles in your core—abdominals, back, pelvic, obliques—as well as other body parts. These exercises use more muscles, so there is a higher rate of calorie burn while you are doing them. Planks are my favorite functional exercise—they activate not just your core muscles but also your arm, leg, and butt muscles.

6. You are constantly stressed.

Tight deadlines, bills, your kids—whatever your source of stress, having too much of it may make it harder for you to drop unwanted pounds, especially from your middle. And it’s not just because you tend to reach for high-fat, high-calorie fare when you’re stressed, though that’s part of it. It’s also due to the stress hormone cortisol, which may increase the amount of fat your body clings to and enlarge your fat cells. Higher levels of cortisol have been linked to more visceral fat.

7. You are not sleeping enough.

If you’re among the 30% of Americans who sleep less than six hours a night, here’s one simple way to whittle your waistline: catch more sleep. A 16-year study of almost 70,000 women found that those who slept five hours or less a night were 30% more likely to gain 30 or more pounds than those who slept 7 hours. So, aim for a minimum of 7 hours of sleep if you can’t get 8 hours, which is recommended by the American Health Institute.

8. You are not committed to losing your belly flab.

Are you committed to the work needed to lose belly fat? Reducing belly fat takes a combination approach of a low-calorie diet that is high in fiber and low in carbohydrates and sugar along with cardiovascular and weight training. If you are willing to do the work, you can move past genetics and lose that flab.

9. You make things complicated.

One of the biggest weight loss mistakes that many women make and thus not able to lose their belly flab is that they overcomplicate things. With weight loss, often times, simplicity is best.

One last thing… you should try this super simple morning ritual that burns 1 pound of belly fat per day…

“All this by a morning ritual?” I asked.

I met an old friend for lunch last year and I was super impressed with how she lost 72 pounds in 3 months.

She said, “It’s not so much about the the so called ritual but more about how it releases fat-blasting molecules that signal your brain and body to burn off pounds and inches of trapped fat quickly and naturally.”

Even though I was skeptical, I’ve been struggling with my weight over the last few years, so I gave it a shot and watched the same video she did.

Well, it’s only a couple weeks later and you know what they say about how “you can’t transform your body overnight”…

They’re right — it actually took me 14 days to lose 19 pounds.

Now it’s my girlfriends asking ME what I’M doing differently

Imagine your body being beach ready before Memorial Day.

Imagine enjoying the foods you love: pasta, wine, or even a dessert — completely guilt-free.

And imagine feeling good and living your life without obsessing about every single calorie you eat…

All while knowing your health is being protected by one of the most powerful natural healing rituals ever discovered.

Click here to see the super simple morning ritual that helped me melt away 19 pounds in just 14 days

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forcedrug0 · 4 years ago

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Amino Acids For Plants.

Dbal Types, Crazybulk Bewertung

Content

Ostarine As Well As Ligandrol Enhance Muscle Mass Tissue In An Ovariectomized Rat Model.

Modern Technology.

Company Summary For Sarms Ventures Restricted (.

Tumor.

Individuals commonly have feelings of shame and disgust at their lack of control during and also after binge eating, which can enhance that cycle of adverse feelings, constraint as well as binge eating once again. People with binge eating disorder consume huge amounts of food over a short amount of time.

This not only leads to enhanced muscle mass development but likewise results in muscle mass retention and also the development of new muscular tissue cells. This SARM was at first created to aid people suffering from muscle loss, but it's primarily made use of by body builders to avoid muscle wasting. GHSRs are additionally found in the locations of the brain that regulate hunger, mood, enjoyment, memory, biological rhythms, cognitive functions, and memory. When you take Ibutamoren, you'll not just lose fat and construct muscle yet will certainly likewise feel better and more sharp, improving your health and fitness performance. A big part of this factor is just how Ligandrol increases your energy.

Ostarine And Also Ligandrol Enhance Muscle Cells In An Ovariectomized Rat Design.

You'll have the ability to exercise for longer as well as can sustain much more extreme training sessions, which will certainly bring about some serious muscle gains. is one of the most effective muscle-building SARMs on the market. It only takes a few weeks for Ligandrol to work, even after a solitary cycle. Body builders will additionally experience other benefits when making use of Ostarine, such as enhanced bone thickness and also faster healing time. Bodybuilding deals many physical benefits as well as can enhance your figure. When S.A.R.Ms bind to the receptor they show anabolic and also hypertrophic task in both muscle mass and also bone.

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People may find it hard to stop throughout a binge even if they wish to. Some people with binge eating disorder have defined feeling disconnected from what they're doing during a binge, or even struggling to keep in mind what they've eaten later on. Lots of people recommend that the product is administered only as soon as every four weeks, dbal kinds.

Innovation.

Manufacturers should examine each product in independent labs, which need to provide their consent for sporting activities supplements to show up on the market. Without it, clients may doubt the correctness as well as safety of the item as well as not buy it. Some SARMs had actually been checked years before they were authorized for usage. Although costliness is a family member term, most users will certainly agree that the rates of SARMs are high.

Unlike individuals with bulimia, they do not typically follow this by getting rid of the food via, as an example, throwing up, though occasionally they could quickly in between binges. BED is not about selecting to eat big portions, neither are people who deal with it simply "overeating"-- far from being satisfying, binges are extremely stressful, usually including a much bigger quantity of food than a person would want to eat.

Business Review For Sarms Enterprises Limited (.

On top of that, cycle assistance decreases the opportunity you'll experience any kind of negative effects. Several PCT supplements include natural vitamins, minerals, as well as herbs such as ashwagandha remove, Tribulus Terrestris essence, Rhodiola Rosea essence, vitamin E, as well as saw palmetto essence. provensarms The Benefits And Disadvantages Of Sarm Sarm will certainly stabilize hormonal agents while enhancing body structure and your overall feeling of health. Yet there specify supplements that body builders and also anybody taking SARMs should use. Supplements include vitamins, minerals, fats, amino acids, as well as various other useful ingredients. People take supplements for even more reasons than health and fitness advantages. Supplements contain important vitamins, minerals, and also various other compounds that enhance your wellness.

Does Vitaminhoppe sell SARMs?

SARMs are drugs and they are not dietary supplements. Using the internet one can easily find SARMs for sale. The bigger retail stores like GNC and Vitamin Shoppe do not carry them, but the smaller independently owned supplement stores are notorious for distributing SARMs.

While brand in the Buy SARMs industry are necessary to muscle gain, it is advised you take BCAAs with protein supplements, specifically whey healthy protein. BCAAs promote muscle healthy protein synthesis, which is the process of building muscle. It's also stated that BCAAs reduce muscle damages in addition to the size and also extent of delayed start muscle soreness, encouraging bodybuilders to lift extra. High-quality cycle support supplements contain active ingredients such as grape seed remove, Tribulus Terrestris essence, vitamin E, N-Acetyl-I-Cysteine, saw palmetto essence, celery seed extract, and hawthorn berry. Cycle support shields essential physical functions, such as cardiovascular, liver, prostate, and cholesterol health and additionally supports your blood pressure.

Tumor.

Binges might be planned like a ritual as well as can entail the individual buying "unique" binge foods, or they may be much more spontaneous. Individuals might most likely to extreme lengths to accessibility food-- for instance, consuming food that has been thrown away or stealing food. Binge eating generally takes place secretive, though the person might eat normal meals outside their binges. People with binge eating problem may likewise restrict their diet or place in specific guidelines around food-- this can likewise result in them binge eating because of hunger as well as feelings of deprival.

It deserves noting that Cardarine itself was initially recommended as a means to combat excessive weight.

SARM-type mass tablets from this team allow to burn fat cells without shedding muscle cells.

SARMs for weight reduction and aid in building a brand-new one consist of Ibutamoren, Cardarine and Endurobol.

Typically when I stop with my steroids, my strength decreases and I am losing weight.

SARMs were really discovered by mishap in the 90s when cancer cells researcher James Dalton recognized the molecule andarine, or S-4, which came to be the first-ever SARM.

I obtained it for myself, not as much to be getting mass but more or less for after steroid cycle.

This would certainly be similar to a SARMS three-way stack that is usually ran with Ostarine, other than there is an opportunity of more dimension being put on while cutting. An excellent dosage for this technique would certainly be 3-5 mg a day for 8 weeks. LGD has revealed one of the most capacity of any type of SARM to place on size that can be considered a mass. rises, and also have had a considerable boost in calorie consumption. An advise dosage for this kind of goal would certainly be 5-10 mg day for 8 weeks. If you disable this cookie, we will not be able to conserve your preferences. This means that every single time you see this site you will certainly need to allow or disable cookies again.

Types Of Bonds In Biological Particles.

Being uncertain of any of the above can show that you shouldn't be taking efficiency enhancers right now-- this is due to the fact that your body still has the capability to enhance normally. Just when you can not improve any longer would I recommend taking into consideration taking performance enhancers. Appreciate that performance enhancers will not make you buff by themselves. As your body reacts, you might really feel a lack of cravings, but this ought to not put you off from sticking to your diet regimen. The most effective SARMs available for sale come with clear and detailed directions.

How long should you take Mk 677?

Previous studies in humans demonstrated that daily oral administration of MK-677 in healthy older adults,8 GH-deficient adults9 for 4 weeks, and GH-deficient children10 for 7 days increased serum GH, IGF-I, and IGF binding protein (IGFBP)-3 concentrations.

A considerably higher intramuscular fat web content of the quadriceps femoris muscular tissue was observed in the OVX+LG 4 group compared with the Non-OVX team. In OVX rats, the fat web content of the muscle did not differ from that in the other teams. All rats obtained a soy-free rodent diet regimen (ssniff Spezial Diät GmbH, Soest, Germany) throughout the experiment. OS as well as LG were supplied with the soy-free diet regimen (ssniff Spezial Diät GmbH).

Purely Necessary Cookie must be enabled at all times so that we can conserve your preferences for cookie settings. It suggests that buyers have proper security when looking for sports supplements, both online as well as offline. Authorities are reacting extremely promptly and also capturing scammers offering fake SARMs.

The gastrocnemius muscular tissue, soleus muscular tissue, as well as longissimus muscle were extracted. The GM and SM were weighed as well as all muscles were frozen in liquid nitrogen and stored at − 80 ° C up until additional analyses. Either left or best muscular tissues were utilized arbitrarily in either histological or enzyme analyses. In Experiment II, intramuscular fat content was established in the quadriceps femoris muscle mass in Non-OVX, OVX, as well as OVX+LG 4 groups.

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Code Geass: Paladins of Voltron Chapter 31: Battle of Kyushu

"Prince Schneizel, we appreciate you stepping in for Viceroy Cornelia during this time."

"When I heard about what happened I contacted the Emperor immediately," Schneizel said calmly from behind the Viceroy's desk, "I practically insisted that he leave Area 11 in my care until my sister could be recovered."

"Yes, and we're deeply grateful for your assistance. With you here, we can hopefully put a lid on this crisis!" the officer said with a bow.

"Hmmm, well I'm not sure if Area 11's forces will be enough against this Voltron threat, I do hope to at least quell the unrest as soon as possible," Schneizel said honestly.

Suddenly the doors to the office were thrown open and Lord Guilford rushed in, slightly out of breath, "Your Highness!"

Schneizel blinked, slightly startled, "Lord Guilford, what the matter?"

"Prince Schneizel, the enemy has destroyed the great Great Kamon Bridge in Kyushu block!" the knight reported gravely.

"What?!" Kanon exclaimed behind the Prime Minister, who's own eyes widened partially at this news.

"They also cut off vehicle access at four other points, and large numbers of assault landing craft are moving into the Genkai Sea!" Guilford continued.

Schneizel gasped in realization, "The Chinese Federation? Have they made a declaration of war?"

"No, Highness! The crafts are bearing the flag of Japan!"

At this piece of information, Schneizel frowned deep in thought. He had heard rumors that some of the old leaders of the Kururugi Regine had fled to the Federation. He always had a lingering suspicion that one of them could attempt an attack like this with the Chinese backing them up. It seemed they were finally playing this card.

"Send all available military personnel to Kyushu block, push them back!"

"Yes, Your Highness," Guilford said, but the knight didn't depart, meaning that there was something else to be said as well.

"Is there something else?" Schneizel bluntly, but not unkindly.

"There is sir… the military managed to locate Suzaku Kururugi…"

o~o

(Two days ago)

"I've dishonored you," Suzaku said, holding the Purple Bayard out to a shocked Allura, "I'm not worthy to be called a Paladin."

"Suzaku, this is crazy!" Milly protested, "You can't just leave! Even if what Mao said was true-"

"It is true," Suzaku interrupted, looking down remorsefully, "I can't forgive myself…"

"...Has being a Paladin become a burden for you?" Allura asked softly, still not taking the Bayard, "Something that troubles you?"

"No, I'm grateful for it," Suzaku answered honestly.

"Then why?" Allura inquired.

"What Mao said was true, I did kill my own father," Suzaku admitted sadly. Behind Princess Allura, the other Paladins plus Coran stood as well. Most of them gasped save for Lelouch who only grimaced. Coran and Allura looked the most horrified, "I was never punished for it. I just lived on like nothing happened. And right now…" the Purple Paladin looked up, emotion filling his eyes, "...I'm being protected again! Someone like me isn't worthy of being a Paladin of Voltron."

"But Suzaku," Rivalz exclaimed, "We won't be able to form Voltron without you! We need you!"

Suzaku just shook his head, pressing the Purple Bayard into Allura's hands, "There are far more worthy candidates to be Yoru's Paladin here. Like Tohdoh-sensei, or Ohgi… or even you Princess Allura. And if that's not the case, there must be someone else out there."

"Then… what are you going to do?" Shirley asked worriedly.

"I'm going back to Britannia."

This answer resulted in a ripple of protest, demanding to know if Suzaku had lost his mind, and what would he possibly gain from joining the enemy!

"What the hell Kururugi?! You know that Britannia is almost as bad as the Galra!" Kallen practically roared, "And if you want to keep up the pity party you don't have to go crawling back to them! You can work here among the ranks with us!"

"I know. And I'm not interested in changing Britannia inwardly, at least not in the way I originally wished. But at least this way, me returning can at least throw the Empire off our trail."

This reasoning had many of the group looking at Suzaku in bewilderment for a moment before he continued.

"Think about it. Seven missing students, seven Lions. Even without solid evidence, someone is bound to make a hypothesis like that sooner or later. Lelouch, you yourself said your brother is just as intelligent as you, maybe even more so. I wouldn't be surprised if Schneizel already suspects that that's the case here. And C.C. has already theorized that the Emperor is aware that you're Zero. If he can figure that out, he'll figure out who the Paladins are at some point as well. With me returning supposedly out of the blue, it will at least divert their suspicion for a little while, and it will keep our families safer."

"Suzaku…" Shirley said softly, "We don't care what happened back then! You're still a member of the team! Please-"

Lelouch's hand suddenly raised, silencing Shirley. The Black Paladin's expression was pained, but a layer of understanding swam in his eyes as well.

"Suzaku… if you really want to leave, we have no right to stop you…" he said firmly, his dark hair hiding most of his face, "But please, think about what you're doing…"

"...There's no need for that," Suzaku said softly, "My mind's been made." He then looked up and smiled as he turned away, "Thank you for everything."

With that said, Suzaku left the lounge quickly before any lingering thoughts could change his mind. He trudged to the transport hanger, where he had prepared a pod the night before.

"Suzaku!"

The Purple Paladin froze and feared to turn around. Painfully though, he did so.

At the entrance of the hanger, Nunnally had come in her hoverchair. Then incredibly, she forced herself to her feet and tried to run after him, but she only got five steps before she tripped and fell hard on the floor.

With a gasp, Suzaku put his remaining things down and ran to help Nunnally up.

"Nunnally! Are you okay?" he asked.

"Please Suzaku… please don't go!" Nunnally begged, looking up at him with tear-filled eyes. Looking deep into them, Suzaku's resolve dangerously wavered.

His own eyes grew moist as he gently picked Nunnally up and set her slowly back on her chair.

"Suzaku…?" Nunnally asked, looking up at him in confusion. He then enveloped her in a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Nunnally," he whispered, a small tear trickling down his face

"Huh?" the girl gasped as he pulled away. He all but sprinted to the pod, eyes refusing to look back.

"Suzaku, wait! Come back!" Nunnally shouted, trying to propel the chair forward, but it wouldn't budge. When he had gone to hug her, Suzaku had switched the movement function on the chair off.

"No!" she could only wail as she watched the pod's front close before rocketing out of the launch bay and disappearing from sight.

o~o

Suzaku gasped awake with a jerk. Nunnally's cries of despair and desperation still rang in his head. It took a few seconds to remember where he was as his eyes adjusted to the interrogation chamber he was being held in for the time being.

The second that he contacted the military, Suzaku was immediately taken in for questioning and all of them were ones that he was expecting. Where had he been for the last few months? Where were the other Ashford students? Were they kidnapped, and if so did he have any information on the captors?

Fortunately, Suzaku had been prepared for this. From the moment he decided to leave he thought of a story that he hoped would sound believable. It was true, he was with the six other still-missing Ashford students at Lake Kawaguchi where they were declared missing shortly thereafter.

He said he didn't remember much, but when the seven of them had decided to hike one of the trails, they were jumped by a group of masked assailants. The attack had been so sudden that he hadn't had time to defend himself. Later he would learn that he was actually the first of the group to be taken out. They were taken to a facility and were carefully monitored, given strict diets and 'training' schedules. They were given slots of 'social time' to interact with one another, and he reported that all of them appeared as healthy as he had been. He also suspected that they had been moved around a lot because he remembers times when he would suddenly blackout in his 'room' where a 'caregiver' would watch him eat his meals. They wouldn't leave the room until every speck of food had been eaten.

When asked how he got away, all he could say was that he must have gotten lucky. During one of the moves, the medicine they used to knock them out must not have worked for some reason. He woke up when they were being put into transports. He waited for the right opportunity to jump the captors and get away. He added that he had tried to take Lelouch with him, since he believed the captors didn't know his identity as a prince, and feared for his safety if they ever found out, but Lelouch had instead told Suzaku to find help. Dragging him along would just slow him down. So long as one of them got away the better.

Suzaku had no clue if the soldiers questioning him bought his story or not, but they weren't treating him like a criminal at the moment, so he could only hope it would remain that way. He just prayed that he threw any suspicions of the Paladins identities off for the time being. If anything, he at least bought them a little time.

His reminiscing was interrupted when he heard the doorknob to the room jiggle. He looked up just in time to see a pink blur practically tackle him out of his chair.

"Wha-?" Suzaku gasped before his brain registered who it was.

Euphemia broke off and dusted herself, blushing slightly from the display.

"It's good to see you again, Suzaku," she smiled.

"Euphie..it's good to see you too," he smiled back.

"Well, well, it seems you're quite the lucky man, Suzaku," a cheery voice sounded from the doorway. Looking up, Lloyd, Cecile, and, to Suzaku's honest surprise, Nonette were all standing in the doorway, each smiling, looking glad to see him.

"Suzaku, we're glad to see that you're alright," Cecile said, "the military and police have been looking for you and the others night and day."

For some reason, Suzaku didn't quite believe that. Sure, he was sure that Cecile was being honest from what she knew, but… it was more likely that the military was searching non-stop for Prince Lelouch day and night. While he wasn't sure about the other students, he doubted the military or other authorities would have given a damn if he showed up dead on the street.

To his surprise though, Nonette actually politely bowed to him in the traditional Japanese greeting, "It's an honor to officially meet you, Warrant Officer Kururugi. Earl Asplund and Miss Croomy have spoken very highly of you and your skills as a pilot."

Still partially stunned by such a formal greeting, Suzaku eventually nodded, "Thank you. I've been told you're quite the skilled pilot yourself, Lady Enneagram."

"Please, Nonette is fine," the knight shook her head, "we might as well treat each other as equals if we're going to be working together."

"Working… together?" Suzaku questioned cautiously, not quite understanding what the Knight of Nine was saying.

"Indeed," another voice said from behind the others. Looking up, Suzaku was completely shocked to see Lelouch's half-brother, Schneizel el Britannia walk in with a polite smile. In his hand he was carrying…

"...But… I thought Nonette had started piloting it?" Suzaku protested as he stared at the Lancelot key in the prince's hand.

"That is true, however, Lloyd's data doesn't lie either," the prince argued pleasantly, "You're the only other person with the skills needed to pilot the Lancelot. Besides, there's another project that I've requested Lady Enneagram's assistance with. It may be difficult to believe thanks to… some officers' views, but you are a skilled and valued soldier… Major Kururugi."

Suzaku gasped as his eyes shifted between Euphie, Nonette, Lloyd, and the key in the Prime Minister's hand.

o~o

"We hereby declare the resurrection of Japan as a lawful, independent, and sovereign nation!" the voice of Sawazaki rang over the Castle's monitors as the many of the residents listened to the latest news report of the attack in the Kyushu area.

"Atsushi Sawazaki, leader of the forces that have occupied the Fukuoka military base, was Chief Cabinet Minister of the Kururugi Administration in the former nation of Japan," a man's voice immediately followed.

"After the war, he fled to the Chinese Federation, but is apparently making his move now in response to the recent civil unrest caused by Voltron and Zero." Pictures of both Lelouch's mask identity and Voltron itself flashed on the screen.

"Whether the Black Knights or Voltron have played a role in these unfolding events is still under investigation."

"What the hell?! We're not part of this!" Tamaki shouted in anger. Ohgi, Kaguya, Coran, Kallen, Allura, and Lelouch watched the broadcast carefully.

"Kaguya, was Kyoto aware that this was going to transpire?" Allura asked the girl sternly.

"No," Kaguya answered immediately, "They were completely thrown off guard as well. They were just notified about his unilateral claims over the Sakuradite mining rights."

"I see…" Allura nodded in acknowledgment before turning to Lelouch, who was looking critically up at the screen, "Lelouch, what is our next move? Should we attempt contact or make a statement perhaps?"

"I wouldn't go jumping on that bandwagon just yet," Lelouch decided, "The fact that Sawazaki is being assisted by the Chinese Federation is troubling on its own. It's more likely that he's being used as a puppet for that faction to take Japan for themselves."

"Lelouch, if I may," Coran spoke up, "when you first informed us of your planet's conflict, you seemed to make it clear that Britania and this Chinese Federation certainly aren't allies. If this attack makes them Britannian's enemy, wouldn't that make them an ally for us? What's the saying the humans use? 'The enemy of my enemy is my friend?'"

"I don't know," Kallen admitted, "From what I've heard the Chinese Federation isn't that much different from Britannia. Isn't that right, Ohgi?"

"As far as I know that is the case," he nodded.

"While it's true that the Federation and Britannia are at odds right now, politically wise, their government isn't too different from Britannia," Kaguya explained, "The Chinese Federation is still an Imperial Monarchy. Officially the Emperor or Empress is the leader, but… the most recent Empress, Tianzi, has little to no power at all. The High Eunuchs are the ones with the power. She acts more as a figurehead. If you look at it a certain way, the Chinese Federation is seen as more of an oligarchic system than anything else. This doesn't make them too different from Britannia's Royal Family… no offense to you Lelouch."

"None taken."

o~o

Meanwhile in the coast of the Kyushu bay, a fierce storm was blowing through the area. The winds were so strong that it was preventing the Britannian forces from calling in any air support. They had no choice but hold out until the storm passed or calmed enough for Knightmares equipped with float systems to sweep in.

"It's a stroke of good fortune that this storm hit," General Tsao, a high ranking general from the Chinese Federation commented victoriously, "We must use it to tighten our grip on Kyushu."

"You see, General Tsao?" Sawazaki boasted proudly next to him, "Heaven is on our side. We're going to prevail in this battle with ease."

o~o

"Martial law is not necessary — such measures would only upset and frighten people," Prince Schneizel calmly reasoned with the two officers in his office, Darlton being one of them, "Contact E.U. Foreign Minister Gandolphi. Oh, and put a call in to the Toromo Agency in Cambodia."

"Prince Schneizel, using the Toromo Agency could be of–"

Darlton wasn't able to finish when the doors to the office opened and Princess Euphemia entered.

"Prime Minister," she stated.

"Yes, Euphie?" Schneizel asked gently as the generals parted to let her through, "Something wrong?"

"Is there anything I can do to help?" she asked, "I'm still the Sub-Viceroy of Area 11. There must be a way I can assist you."

"Thank you. Just your offer to help me is more than enough," Schneizel answered with a smile.

"But I…" Euphemia protested.

"Before her capture, Viceroy Cornelia ordered you to be kept out of as much military conflict as possible, Sub-Viceroy," Darlton informed her.

"She did…?" Euphie asked sadly, looking down at her feet.

"Uh, no, Sub-Viceroy, let me correct myself," Darlton amended when he saw the princess's expression, "it's just that-"

"Please, understand, Euphie," Schneizel spoke up, "We've already lost Cornelia. If something were to happen to you as well…"

"Wait, you don't really think-" Euphie gasped.

"There hasn't been confirmation of that yet," Schneizel explained carefully, "but the situation is simply too treacherous to take any chances right now."

Euphemia struggled to hold back tears as the feeling of hopelessness rolled over her. Once again she was being forced to the sidelines again. She had never felt so useless before.

"Darlton, concerning the matter we were discussing, I know someone who has a way in with them, so I will ask for help," the prince explained.

"Yes, Your Highness," the general nodded.

o~o

"Man… how long is she going to stay in there?" Rivalz groaned as he leaned against the wall across from Shirley's room.

Not long after Suzaku left the ship, Shirley had abruptly run to her room and locked herself inside. No matter who knocked on the door, or for how long, she refused to open up to them. She didn't even come to dinner that evening or breakfast that morning. Even the plate of food goo that they had left outside her door remained untouched. Everyone was worried about the Orange Paladin, but it was understandable. After all… she had killed someone.

At the moment, Rivalz and Milly were camping outside her room. They had been for the past hour, but no matter how many times they knocked, and even demanded to be let in in Milly's case, Shirley remained silent, stubbornly refusing to answer.

Before Milly could respond, Rai and C.C. came around the corner, with Arthur trotting along beside them as well.

Rai's looked between the door and two teens outside it. Then he sighed, "That bad, huh?"

"Well, what exactly did you expect?" C.C. asked bluntly, "It was bound to happen sooner or later. Shirley may have good intentions, but her mentality is certainly not that of a soldier."

"It's not like we're not willing to help her," Milly argued, "but if she doesn't talk to someone…"

Rai frowned sadly and looked at the door again.

"...I can handle this. Could you give us some space?" he finally asked before standing in front of the door.

Reluctantly, Rivalz, and Milly slowly picked themselves up and left. C.C. did as well shortly after. Once they were out of sight, Rai felt something nuzzle his legs. Looking down, he saw Arthur rubbing up against his ankle, before looking up at the Green Paladin with a soft 'mrow.'

With a small smile, he knocked lightly on the door.

"Shirley, it's Rai. Can I come in?" he asked cautiously.

It took several seconds, and for a moment Rai thought that Shirley wouldn't answer, until finally, he heard the small buzz of the door unlocking. Breathing a small sigh of relief, he entered with Arthur trailing close behind.

Rai easily spotted the Orange Paladin, sitting on her bed hugging her knees to her chest. Her eyes looked hollow and there were dry tear marks on her cheeks. Looking up, he noticed that two of the trash nebula creatures were floating close by, but from the sounds of their squeaks, they hadn't been successful in lighting Shirley's mood at all and seemed relieved that someone else had finally come.

Arthur actually made the first move, immediately leaping onto the bed and settling snuggly at Shirley's side, purring softly.

Following the cat's lead, Rai slowly approached her other side, cautiously sitting down, and - after silently debating with himself - draped an arm around her shoulders. Shirley didn't react and Rai took that as a good thing. At least she didn't start screaming or demanding for him to get out and leave her alone.

There was a heavy silence in the room for a while as Rai tried to figure out how to start talking. The only noise was Arthur's soft purring and the occasional squeak from one of the fuzzy aliens.

"...You made the right call in there," he finally said, "if you hadn't done it, Mao would've killed Lelouch and blown up the Castle. And who knows what would have happened to the Lions… You saved everyone."

"...I know that," Shirley mumbled softly, seeming to tighten her grip around her legs, "I know that he was evil, and if I hadn't, I… but… I-I can't handle it!"

She finally moved, letting go of her legs, and burying her face in her hands.

"C.C… she warned me that this could happen!" she sobbed, "She warned me that I'd have to do it eventually! But… I-I don't…"

"You just don't know if you can handle it, right?" Rai finished for her softly.

Shirley whined, practically collapsing against Rai's shoulder. He gently ran a hand down her back, waiting for her sobs to calm before speaking again.

"I understand. I've killed a lot as well," he said honestly, but not proudly. Shirley looked up at him, surprise shining in her eyes. He smiled bitterly, "Don't look so surprised, I'm a gladiator, remember?" Shirley's shoulders slumped as she remembered that detail about her crush.

"Anyway, I don't… I don't remember much about what happened while I was there," Rai continued, "but, I do know that every time I was put out there in the ring, each fight was either live or die. Only one of us would walk out of there still breathing. Some were bad, other gladiators like me, who actually enjoyed killing. Others… others were simply other prisoners, trying to survive just like me. All for Zarkon's entertainment…"

Shirley peaked up at his face. It was holding a pained frown and his eyes were haunted.

"Whenever I sleep... I always see myself in that same pit again. There's so much noise; all the spectators yelling and cheering... The monsters I fight roaring at me... And all I have is a sword, sometimes half a sword. I'm only given armor or even a shield for 'special' fights. I look up, and I see that monster sitting on his throne, his eyes baring down on me like the devil. The only thing I know for certain is that I'm facing an enemy that wants me dead. But... I do it. I endure it. Because my life doesn't end here. I have people that I love waiting for me, people I want to protect. I have my mother and my sister, but now it's more than just that."

He leaned back and smiled, though it looked fairly forced from what Shirley could see, "Now I have Allura, Lelouch, Kallen, Suzaku, Rivalz, Milly, Coran, and so many others... I got you to Shirley. And I know you have the same thing. You have people who love you, people who care about you, people that are worth protecting. Mao is not going to be the only one. We're probably going to fight people that we might have to kill, if not to save our own lives, but maybe even so many others. If we can avoid it, great; but if not, we have to do it. Taking someone's life is never easy, and it's something you never get used to. Something you shouldn't get used to. But as long as you have faith in the people who are willing to help you share that burden, and the cause that you fight for, then you'll never stray from your path. I already know what I'm fighting for, what you are fighting for?"

Shirley felt tears gather in her eyes again, but they weren't of sorrow. Rai's speech had really touched her and helped her see a different perspective of everything. Yes, the guilt of what she did didn't leave, it likely never would, but a mix of the Green Paladin's words and Arthur's constant purring dampened it.

Speaking of Arthur, the cat took the opportunity to climb onto Shirley's lap, curling up tightly.

Shirley remained silent for a moment, before she clenched her fists, eyes lighting up in determination.

"I want to fight to protect the weak. I'm a Paladin of Voltron!" she exclaimed.

Rai smiled proudly as he wrapped her in a warm embrace.

"Thank you, Rai," she whispered.

"Anytime," he replied.

o~o

"Hey…"

"Oh, hi!" the newly named Chigusa smiled as she greeted Ohgi who rounded a corner of the hallway into the kitchen. The amnesiac had been sorting through various seed packs that the Paladins had brought back from Earth when they had dropped the Black Knights off. In hopes of providing a more diverse, but still slightly familiar diet to the crew, the Paladins discussed with Coran and the Princess of starting a greenhouse in one of the more temperature-controlled rooms and possibly bringing up some chickens and cows in a different room for some eggs, milk, and protein as well. The idea certainly seemed to intrigue the Alteans and they agreed to give it a shot at the very least.

Most of the crew had returned after learning what happened, and it became clear that just because they were in space didn't mean that they were untouchable. Yes, the Galra could come at any time, and Rakshata and her team, along with Coran, were working rigorously to get a space Knightmare ready for testing. However, the fact that Mao managed to sneak onto the ship was still baffling. Although the Castle's security was high for most unknown lifeforms entering and exiting the ship, the crew started a rotation where at least one Black Knight was on camera duty at all times.

The Paladins eventually came to the conclusion that Mao must have snuck onto one of the Lions while they were on Earth. Why none of the Lions had reacted to an intruder entering them was another mystery, but then again it was exactly how C.C. managed to sneak on board Polaris in the first place as well.

If any good things came out of the situation, it was that Ohgi noticed that Villetta-no Chigusa he had to remind himself- seemed to be more at ease around the others on the ship, which honestly surprised him. Perhaps it was because they showed that they did care for her safety, despite her status in her lost memories. He was personally happy with the new name too, and thought it was adorable that Nunnally had been the one to pick it. She had good taste.

"Look," he said, hesitating for a second, "I realized I never personally apologized for what happened the other day. I was put in charge of keeping an eye on you, and you almost got killed. So… I'm sorry."

Chigusa shook her head, "You don't need to apologize Kaname," she said reassuringly, "sometimes things happen that are out of our control. Unless you personally asked Mao to kidnap me, none of this is your fault."

"Well… still, I wish there was more I could do," he admitted, "I'll admit, I feel pretty useless right now. I mean, the only ones that can actually go out and fight are the Paladins right now until we can get some Knightmares up and running."

Chigusa chuckled, "Well if you're looking for something to do, you can help look through these seed packs. I'll admit my Japanese is a bit rusty, and some of these are in your language."

"Oh, sure," he smiled, walking over to the counter.

o~o

Suzaku scratched his arm as the tight fabric of the Lancelot suit irritated his skin. A folder lay in front of him at the table inside of the Camelot division's quarters. A mission briefing to be exact. The second that the current storm showed signs of letting up, Suzaku was to take the Lancelot into battle against Sawazaki and push him and the Chinese Federation troops back. A mission perfect for the Lancelot. He would be able to clear a path for the rest of Britannia's forces to swoop in and finish the job that way.

The door opened next to him and Cecile walked in with a pleasant smile.

"I thought you might be hungry," she said, holding out some tea and rice balls to him.

"Oh, thank you, Miss Cecile," he said graciously, taking one of the rice balls. If Suzaku was honest, he really missed the taste of his native country's cuisine. He hoped the greenhouse project worked out back at the Castle so that the other Paladins could have a piece of Earth back with them as well.

Cecile smiled warmly as Suzaku ate. He had to restrain himself from devouring the food. Miss Cecile was a great cook.

"Suzaku, just so you know, I really am glad that you're alright," Cecile said honestly, "We spent every spare minute we could looking for you and those friends of yours."

Suzaku smiled. He could tell that Cecile really meant what she said. "I appreciate it, Miss Cecile. And I want to thank you as well. Ever since I got here, you've always been kind to me, even though I'm an Eleven. I'm really thankful for everything you've done."

"Oh, I really didn't do that much," she denied, "Honestly, most of the time I'm sad that I can't do more, but I can tell that you're a good person, Suzaku. Despite what most of the rest say, I don't really care about Britannia's views on race. I personally think the whole number system is stupid. In my eyes, you're a person who wants to change the world for the better, and I assure you, you'll have my support no matter what happens."

With a final smile, Cecile turned and left to let Suzaku finish his food.

"No matter what, huh?" he muttered, glancing down at the key to the Lancelot. For a moment, the small drive disappeared, being replaced by the cool handle of the Purple Bayard.

He'd admit the time he spent with the other Paladins had been a pleasant reprise. He'd honestly felt happier than he had in a long time simply being there with everyone. Just… being be.

Which was why a sin like the one he carried shouldn't drag them down. Though he was no longer a Paladin, he would work on his end to help achieve peace for Earth and the universe. That was the best he could do now… right?

o~o

"Princess, you wished to see us?" Tohdoh asked as he and the Four Holy Swords entered the lounge she had specified over the intercom. Waiting with her were Kallen and Lelouch, who gestured to the couches behind them.

"Please have a seat," Lelouch invited and waited patiently for them to settle.

"We'll get straight to the point," Allura said promptly, "Regarding this Sawazaki character's actions in Kyushu, we wish to get your personal opinions on the situation. Would it wiser to view him as a potential ally or an enemy as of now?"

"Sawazaki was always a coward," Chiba responded immediately with a scowl, "He may have supported the movement for Japan to fight after surrendering, but the second he got he fled to the Chinese Federation with barely any warning at all."

"True," Urabe nodded, "And neither Kyoto nor the JLF had heard a peep out of him up until now."

"How do the kids put it nowadays? 'All bark, no bite?'" Senba quipped bitterly.

"Most likely, the Chinese are using Sawazaki for their own agenda," Asahina agreed, "He's just a front. I have no doubt that he cooked up some sort of agreement with them in order to get them to cooperate. Who knows what'll happen should this siege succeed."

The three nodded, taking in the information. A couple more questions followed, regarding Sawazaki's loyalty to Prime Minister Kururugui and other actions during the Pacific War. As more information was gathered, the more Lelouch saw that Sawazaki was more like a rat who preferred to work in the shadows, and only strike when the enemy's guard seemed down. While a decent strategy, it was a cowardly one as well, just like Chiba first said.

After feeling like they gathered all they could, Lelouch nodded, "All right, thank you. Now if you everyone doesn't mind, there's something I want to discuss with Tohdoh in private."

"You sure?" Kallen asked.

"Yes, please," Lelouch nodded firmly.

Reluctantly, everyone slowly trickled out of the room, with Kallen lingering a moment longer at the door before finally stepping out, the door sliding shut behind her.

"Can I assume that what you want to talk to me about is what happened to Suzaku's father?" Tohdoh asked calmly, looking at Lelouch expectantly.

"Yes," Lelouch nodded, "We got the gist of it thanks to Mao, but I want to know what really happened if you're willing to explain."

Tohdoh sighed wearily before speaking, "Well, as I'm sure you're already aware, Prime Minister Genbu Kururugi did call for a do-or-die resistance when Britannia invaded. Suzaku feared that this would lead to the deaths of millions, which of course it would, and he attempted to oppose his father and convince him to change his mind. However, the Prime Minister was one of the most stubborn people I ever met, and he refused. When it became clear that reason was no longer an option, Suzaku raised a knife against him, but even then, Genbu called his bluff. I don't think I need to elaborate further about what happened afterward."

"Suzaku used that knife and killed his own father with it," Lelouch confirmed with a grim frown.

Tohdoh nodded once, "When that happened, Kyoto made up the yarn of the Prime Minister's suicide, in order to protect Suzaku. If the truth ever came out, the Japanese citizens would no doubt attempt to take revenge, even though he was still a child. Not long after, Suzaku went on to join the Britannian military, making claims of creating a change from the inside."

"In reality, he sees it as his penance, correct?" Lelouch guessed, "A way to atone for an unforgivable crime he committed."

Tohdoh remained silent, but Lelouch didn't need an answer to know that he was correct.

With a sigh of his own, Lelouch got to his feet, "Thank you."

Just as he reached the door, Tohdoh spoke, "You've changed Lelouch. When I first met you, you were a small, spiteful boy that was always angry at the world. Now, I don't see that child. You've grown into a leader that people can trust. And includes myself."

Lelouch smiled and glanced back at the Colonel as the doors slid open.

"Thanks."

o~o

'A figurehead,' Euphemia li Britannia pondered as she gazed up at a portrait of her late brother Clovis, 'that's all I was from the start. I knew that, but I thought if I gave my best effort, maybe I could make some difference. Forgive me, Clovis. I met Zero face-to-face but I didn't avenge your death… I have to think of some way to save Lelouch and Nunnally, but how? I don't have the kind of power that my sister had. I'm not like her or Schneizel. No matter where I go, I'm just a burden, and I act selfishly, though I don't mean to… maybe if I had tried harder, Cornelia wouldn't…'

Euphemia choked back a sob as thoughts of her sister, and her unknown status lurked in her mind. It was agonizing to not know if Cornelia was alright, or even alive right now. She was sure that Lelouch wouldn't kill her, but as for the other Black Knights, she wasn't so sure. They technically had the right to do it, considering the damage Cornelia had brought to their home.

"Sister, please hold on for me…"

o~o

"Oh yeah, they told me about you," the museum's security guard said, looking at the form that had been handed to him, "You need to get the document signed today, right? But a member of the Royal Family is viewing the art right now."

"Huh? Which member is it?" Nina Einstein asked.

o~o

"Wait, so you're saying…" Tamaki began as he and the rest of the Black Knights looked up at Zero from the ballroom floor. Lelouch with his Zero guise on was standing at the top of the chamber's steps, the remaining Paladins, Allura, Coran, Kaguya, Tohdoh, and Ohgi by his side. Nunnally was also there, with Sayoko and C.C. by her side.

"We aren't going to collaborate with Sawazaki. He's not independent, he's a puppet of the Chinese Federation." Lelouch stated.

"But he says he's fighting for Japan," one of the Black Knights protested below.

"Japan would get a new name and a new master but nothing would change," Lelouch leveled his head, "His Japan is a sham."

"Yeah…" Asahina said, "so what you're really saying is…"

"That when Britannia strikes back we play dead?" Urabe finished.

"Zero," Tohdoh said, "Perhaps you should clarify our goal."

"Yeah," Ohgi agreed, "I mean, preparing for the Galra's arrival is clear, but how exactly are we going to do that?"

The Black Paladin's answer shocked everyone.

"Our first step is making Japan an independent nation."

"Independent?!" Kallen's eyes went wide as she stared at Lelouch, along with most of the rest of the Paladins.

"Is he serious?!" Rivalz gasped.

"A nation?!" Asahina exclaimed.

"You mean us?!"

"An independent country?!"

"Wait a minute!" Ohgi stepped forward. "No matter how much the Black Knights have expanded-"

"Our enemy is an empire that controls one-third of the world. And the Galra are an alien race that has conquered almost the entire universe!" Chiba finished.

"We can't pull that off alone!" Tamaki stepped forward.

"We must!" Zero countered, "We must send a message to not just Britannia, but the Galra as well! And that is this: You don't need to be a super-power to be strong and stand on your own two feet. However, creating an independent country is only the first step! The second is to build a coalition of nations to unite Earth together! That includes both the smaller countries and other superpowers, as well as those from Britannia. Only then will the final stage be accessible. A truly united Earth, where there are no more divisions. Simply one planet with one people standing together. Though separate nations will continue to exist, we'll stand united. Only then can Earth take the next step of becoming part of the Universe!"

o~o

The sun began to set behind the horizon as Princess Euphemia's transport began to depart the museum.

"Princess Euphemia!" Nina screamed desperately as she attempted to run past a security guard, only to be grabbed roughly from behind.

Euphemia gasped from inside the limousine as Nina was wrestled to the ground.

"Secure the perimeter!" the head guard ordered, ignoring Nina's protests, "Code Delta! We have a Code Delta!"

"Please!" Nina begged, "I just want to- Princess Euphemia! To get-a look at her!"

"Secure all exits!" Another guard shouted as several more began to surround the distraught student.

Looking bewildered at the sight, Euphemia gasped as recognition spread across her face. That was the same girl from Kawaguchi. The one she saved from those JLF terrorists.

"We got a suspicious girl at the building's perimeter!" more shouts followed as Nina's tears fell freely down her face.

"Stop it!" Euphemia ordered, stepping out of the limo, "That girl is a personal friend of mine!"

o~o

"Wow, Lelouch, I honestly wasn't expecting that bombshell to be dropped in there!" Rai commented as the Paladins, accompanied by Allura, Coran, C.C., Nunnally, Sayoko, and Kaguya, returned to the bridge.

"It makes sense though when you think about it," Milly continued, "You gotta lay the foundation somewhere as they always say."

"While this development has truly uplifted the spirits of the Black Knights, there is still another problem," Allura said, sad to have to return to this topic. "Without Suzaku to pilot his Lion, it is impossible to form Voltron. And we can not win this war without him."

"Meaning, we either need to choose a new Paladin or somehow convince Suzaku to rejoin us," C.C. concluded.

"Well, we obviously aren't going to replace him, right?!" Rivalz exclaimed, "I can't think of anyone else that could pilot Yoru as well he can!"

"Even so, Rivalz," Kallen murmured, "It's like Lelouch said the other day. We can't force him to stay. Plus, doesn't our bond as Paladins rely on willingness and trust too? It's something like that, right Coran?"

"Indeed," the older Altean nodded, "the only way Voltron can form properly and function at all is because you all trust one another. You have no doubt of your loyalty. However, with this secret now out in the open, I wouldn't be surprised that if we forced Suzaku to stay, that would have greatly affected or damaged the Paladin bond, making it that much harder to fight. Why even the bond he developed with his own Lion could have been damaged."

Lelouch grimaced at that. He knew exactly what that felt like. After all, he went through the exact same thing after they invaded Zarkon's main base. If he was being honest, a small part of him was still wary of Zenobia's loyalty to him. Whether his bond with her was really strong enough to overcome Zarkon's.

"So… what do we do then?" Milly asked, scowling a little, "It seems… it seems wrong to replace him just like that. I mean, wouldn't us doing that only solidify his decision to stay away? It would just prove to him that he's replaceable when he's not!"

"When you think about it though, a lot of what we learned from Mao's actions makes sense regarding Suzaku," Lelouch murmured.

"What do you mean?" Rai asked.

"He's at odds with himself... because he used to be different," Lelouch continued, remembering the younger Suzaku at the Kururugi Shrine, "He never placed any importance on another person. Why, it was tough enough for me to kill my half-brother. But Suzaku killed his father when he was only ten years old, and he's been carrying that burden around all these years…"

"I can't imagine the pain he's been in all this time," Allura said softly.

"Just killing someone in general…" Shirley whispered, looking sadly at her feet, her eyes haunted, "I mean… I'm the one that did it. I killed Mao. Someone I knew was a homicidal maniac. But even still knowing that…"

Silence followed, a heavy weight seemed to hang in the air as they thought of their missing friend. Their missing brother. They wanted to help him, but how could they…

"Hold on," Rai suddenly said, "There's something I still don't get. Even if Suzaku didn't want to be a Paladin anymore, worthy or not, why did he choose to go back to Britannia of all places? He could easily have been absorbed into the Black Knights as a ground soldier or pilot. Heck, he could have simply stayed on the Castle as a tenant if he really wanted to. Plus, I doubt his main reasoning was simply to help cover up our identities…"

Lelouch grimaced. He had a theory, and it wasn't a pretty one.

"Do you all remember when I told you how C.C. and I met, way back in Shinjuku? When I got my Geass?" Lelouch questioned.

Everyone's eyes were suddenly on him, dubious expressions on their faces.

"Yeah… you said Suzaku was there too," Rivalz remembered, "he helped you and C.C. get away."

"Well, that is true," Lelouch nodded, "but… there's a little more to it than that. And now that I know Suzaku's secret, it makes so much more sense now."

"What happened?" Kallen asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Well, shortly after C.C.'s canister opened, and after Suzaku revealed who he was to me, there was a group of soldiers directly under Prince Clovis's command that found us and cornered us. They knew what the real mission was, which was to recapture C.C., but Suzaku had been briefed that it was poison gas that had been stolen. So he was just as surprised as me when C.C. came tumbling out instead."

Kallen couldn't quite hide the grimace on her face as he memory of that day flashed in her mind again, but she held her tongue as Lelouch continued.

"Anyway, despite the fact that it was clear that I was a Britannian student, the captain ordered Suzaku to kill me. To not leave any witnesses. But Suzaku refused to follow that order and defended that I had nothing to do with this. He was practically begging for them to let me go… He knew… As a Britannian soldier, especially an Honorary Britannian, an Eleven, that defying an order like that would have consequences. Deadly consequences."

"...It's a death sentence," Milly was the one to say it aloud.

"Exactly," Lelouch nodded, "Suzaku knew that all too well. He made no attempt to stop them either. Didn't even resist. Why he was even smiling when the captain shot him."

The sense of foreboding seemed to triple in the room, as all the occupants came to a terrifying realization, but none of them dared to speak aloud.

Nunnally, who had stayed quiet for most of the conversation along with Sayoko, swallowed back bile from the sick feeling she had in her stomach.

"Lelouch... what... what are you saying...?"

The Black Paladin's answer felt like a guillotine's blade falling.

"He wants to die."

There was a collective gasp from everyone in the room - even C.C. looked stunned. It was only then that the horror of the situation was truly realized.

"He thinks if he dies for a cause he believes to be right, it might redeem him," Lelouch continued, "You all heard what he said when he left, he wants to be punished for what he did."

"We can't let that happen!" Nunnally blurted out, leaping to her feet. Sayoko tensed, ready to catch the girl if she started falling, "We have to help him!"

"Yeah, this… isn't there some sort of medical term for this?" Shirley asked.

"Medical term?" Coran asked, looking concerned.

"Yeah, it's called 'Survivor's Guilt' on Earth," Rai elaborated, "It's when a person has feelings of guilt because they survived a life-threatening situation when others didn't. It goes hand-and-hand with PTSD too. Usually, this should be a fairly natural reaction if something bad happens, but this is being taken to the extreme."

"I do know that a lot of war veterans go through something like that at some point," Milly added.

"Still, Suzaku was ten!" Rivalz protested, "He probably didn't even know what he was even doing!"

"I'm sure once we convince him to come back, we can assist him in understanding that," Allura reasoned.

"Everyone, calm down," Lelouch said, "I want to help Suzaku too, but we need to be careful about this. One wrong move and we risk our identities getting exposed and that will bring its own plethora of problems."

"Well, we aren't just going to leave him be, right?" Shirley exclaimed.

"Of course not," Lelouch scowled, looking almost offended, "We just need the right opportunity…" he glanced up at the monitor displaying the battle happening at Kyushu back on Earth, "...In fact, I might have an idea."

o~o

"Incoming missiles. Appears to be coming from Fukuoka base! One minute, five seconds to impact!"

"An air raid?" Suzaku asked from inside the cockpit of the Lancelot. Due to the Avalon being destroyed thanks to Voltron, the Camelot unit was currently on a smaller airship dubbed the Le Fay. The overall structure was the same as the Avalon (at least according to what Suzaku had been told), including the ports where the Knightmares were located.

"We'll be fine in this position," Cecile answered over the intercom.

Suzaku found himself nodding as he felt the impact from the missiles beneath the Lancelot, the Le Fay's lower shields absorbing the attack. Any moment now he would be ordered to deploy from the transport and into the battle below

He hunched over in his chair, ready to act the second he was told.

Strangely though, he felt… out of place. Suddenly, the superior armor of the Lancelot felt like only thin layers of tin foil, and he found himself shifting his hands repeatedly over the controls. He feels exposed like he could be shot at any moment, and the Knightmare's cockpit won't be able to stop anything.

Not like in Yoru. Who wasn't another machine, but… a part of him...

Suzaku shook his head. He couldn't think about that now. He made his choice. Made his bed, now had to lay in it.

So why did he still feel like there was a gaping hole in his chest now?

"Major Kururugi, I'm laying out the mission plan for final verification," Cecile's voice rang again through the cockpit as a screen lit up in front of him with a map of the area, "This ship will breach the enemy's front line from high altitude and move directly to the launch point. The advanced weapon systems Z01-Lancelot using the Float Unit will attack the enemy headquarters at Fukuoka base. The Float Unit consumes energy fast so pay attention to your operation time."

"Yes, My Lord," Suzaku acknowledged, his hands running over the throttles once more, before pressing down on the button. The Lancelot leaned forward, in position ready to launch into battle, "M.E. boost."

"Lancelot Unit, now launching!" Cecile exclaimed.

"Launch!" Suzaku parroted before the familiar pressure of the air in his face from shooting forward hit him.

The Knightmares charged down the launching system and shot off the ramp of the Le Fay. The Float Unit unfolded on Lancelot's back, propelling him towards the enemy base.

'Here we go,' Suzaku thought as his eyes zeroed in on the mission.

o~o

"The enemy ship seems to have launched a bomber but it's moving faster than a fighter plane!" a soldier alerted Sawazaki and General Tsao as they gazed at a map of their own.

"I have picture," another soldier informed as a pop-up screen appeared, showing the form of the Lancelot speeding towards them. Gasps were heard all around the command center.

"A Knightmare?!" Sawazaki gasped.

"It's not being transported; it's just flying on its own!" Tsao realized.

"That weapons report we got, could this be it?!" Sawazaki realized.

"You mean that novelty weapon?" General Tsao asked.

"So then, the pilot must be-" Sawazaki's eyes widened. If it was true that he had been found, then there was only one explanation.

o~o

"The military force that's trying to occupy the Kyushu block is fighting under ex-Minister Atsushi Sawazaki. If they lose him, the new Japanese government will collapse very quickly. In that case, the Chinese Federation will lose their excuse for being here and have to withdraw."

Suzaku remembered Lloyd's explanation from before the mission as the Lancelot twirled gracefully around dozens of missiles fired towards him from several helicopters. With a grunt, he fired a single slash harken from the Lancelot, catching one of the helicopters and twirling it around, making it crash into the others.

Despite this though, Suzaku couldn't help but feel like the Lancelot felt jerky compared to that of Yoru's fluid movements when she weaved around asteroids and Galran fighters.

"There it is…" Suzaku muttered as he spotted the enemy base, blocking an attack from another aircraft with his Blaze Luminous. "The enemy headquarters."

Then a beeping sound caught his attention.

"An open channel?" Suzaku gasped as a grainy image of Sawazaki glitched onto the screen.

"This is Minister Sawazaki," the politician addressed, "is that Prime Minister Kururugi's son in the pilot seat?" Suzaku gave no answer. "I see. I didn't know he had a son like you."

o~o

"Are you sure about this Prime Minister?" Nonette asked as she settled into the seat of the large black Knightmare waiting to be launched from another port on the Le Fay, Prince Schneizel's face displayed in front of her, "I'd much rather prefer to fight with Kururugi than use him like this. It feels like we're playing dirty."

"I understand your concern Lady Enneagram," Schneizel reasoned, "but this is the best course of action to stop this attack and avoid as much collateral damage as possible. Besides, Major Kururugi is an excellent pilot. He won't go down without a fight.

"...I understand Prime Minister," Nonette could only mutter as the Gawain's cockpit slowly closed and the power-up systems began.

o~o

"-and then, when you saved me," Nina explained fervently, kneeling by a small fire pit in front of Princess Euphemia, "Princess Euphemia — I'll never forget it — you looked like some kind of goddess… like you were bathed in radiant light."

Nina suddenly gasped in realization, as she fidgeted in the dress she was now wearing, "Oh, forgive me! I should have thanked you for these change of clothes you gave me."

"Oh, don't worry about that, Nina," Euphie smiled softly, "Besides, I'm not at all the wonderful person you think I am. I'm no good compared to my brother and sister…"

"No, that's not true!" Nina nearly shouted in horror, as Euphemia looked up with a gasp, "How can you say that about yourself…? There's not one good thing about me… really, nothing at all. My parents are ordinary, I'm not the least bit pretty, and there's just nothing special about me!" the spectacled girl lamented, looking at her clasped hands in shame.

"That's wrong, Nina. I think you're a very cute girl," Euphie argued, hoping to cheer her up.

Nina looked up with a gasp, her cheeks dusting with red before looking down in embarrassment, "Oh, no… I'm not really good for anything… not at all. And now…" Nina had tears in her eyes now, "Now all of my friends have gone missing, and I'm the only one left! And now there's that Voltron-monster that could attack at any time. I just feel… Why am I so useless?!"

Euphemia gazed at the girl in front of her with sympathy. She understood what this girl was feeling all too well.

'She hates herself. But so do I… both my sister Cornelia and Nunnally and even Lelouch are missing, and I can't do a thing about it to help...'

"I guess I understand, but Suzaku makes me uneasy," Nina murmured off-handedly.

Euphemia's eyes suddenly widened as the fire crackled next to them.

'That's it! Suzaku feels badly too!' She had seen it. Sure he hadn't really explained why, but it was clear that Suzaku was in pain somehow. It had always been present, from the moment she first met him, to reuniting with him just the other day, but now it was much more pronounced.

"So please, oh please, don't say that you're no good, Princess Euphemia! I beg of you!" Nina pleaded, desperately, "Because… because… I need you… I need your goodness."

Euphemia smiled, "Thank you so much, Nina. I'm glad I got to know you. You've really helped me understand!"

o~o

With a hiss, the doors to the vacant Purple Lion's chamber opened. The Lion, dubbed Yoru by her good, honored-bound Paladin, usually would look proud and strong as she sat on her hind legs, her shield up to prevent intruders from getting in.

Now, a sense of melancholy seemed to darken her features, her head even looked slightly tilted down. If she had the ability to, there would no doubt by streaks of tears running down her snout. She had felt her sisters leave the ship just moments ago, but with no Paladin to fly her, she would be nothing but a nuisance, a wild beast on the battlefield.

"She looks so sad," Nunnally's small voice murmured as she gazed up at the Lion from the hoverchair, Sayoko and C.C. flanking her.

"Lady Nunnally, your intentions are noble," the kunoichi maid said, "but you don't even know how to pilot a Knightmare."

"Not to mention that it's ultimately up the Lion if you can even step foot on board," C.C. added, "According to Allura, the Lion chooses the pilot. I hope you realize there's still the chance you could be rejected."

"I know that!" Nunnally exclaimed firmly, "But… my brother and his friends are down there. I can't just sit back and not do anything. Not while Suzaku is…"

She grit her teeth as she pushed herself off her chair. She almost immediately fell, only for the two women to catch her and steady her. Once regaining her footing, she straightened, and with small, careful steps approached Yoru's barrier. Once within arm's reach, she placed a hand gently atop of the forcefield.

"I know I'm not Suzaku, but... but he needs help. I want to help him, and you're the only one who can let me help him!" Nunnally exclaimed, practically begging with the Lion, "Please... he's... he's like a second brother to me... and I know he means a lot to you too!" Nunnally gasped as tears welled in her eyes, "Suzaku... he... he wants to sacrifice himself! I know this is selfish but... please! I'm begging you! Help me save him!"

There were several seconds of dead silence. Then with a flash, Yoru's eyes blazed golden. With a gasp, hearing a distant roar in her head, Nunnally stumbled falling back, the particle barrier vanishing.

Behind her, Sayoko and C.C. gazed in awe as the Lion roared to life.

As Yoru lowered her head to let her pilot in, Nunnally shakily got back to her feet, a relieved, emotional smile on her face.

o~o

"This has nothing to do with my father. I came here to put an end to this fighting. I will accept your surrender," Suzaku said stoically as he landed the Lancelot on the ground below the wheels squealing against the metal surface.

"You want to rob Japan of its dream of freedom?" Sawazaki asked.

"Freedom has to come the right way, not like this," Suzaku replied. However, as the words left his tongue, they felt hollow to him. His time as a Paladin really helped open his eyes. If Voltron took this approach with Zarkon, they would get nowhere. But what else did he have now? Saying that phrase now simply felt like he was falling into an annoying habit again.

"You act out of selfishness? It's justice without ideology," Sawazaki retorted.

"No, you're wrong! That's not what I-" Suzaku was cut off as something exploded behind him. The VARIS rifle flew out of the Lancelot's hand and was destroyed a second later as Knightmares moved out and attacked.

"My VARIS…" Suzaku grunted as he looked at the Knightmares. "These are Chinese Federation Gun-Rus!"

o~o

Sawazaki smirked cockily as he watched Suzaku getting ambushed, "He allowed me to distract him. He still has much to learn!"

o~o

Back at the Viceroy's Palace, Euphemia walked confidently up to her brother's desk. The Prime Minister seemed to be in the middle of a conversation with Darlton, both their faces were grim.

"Euphie?" Schneizel questioned, honestly surprised to see her.

"Schneizel, may I have access to a private communication line?"

o~o

Suzaku grunted the Blaze Luminous on the Lancelot's left arm exploded along with his Float Unit as he tried to take cover behind some crates. However, dodging attacks was the least of his problems as warning lights began to beep repeatedly throughout the cockpit. "My energy filler!"

o~o

Back on the Le Fay, the Camelot Unit was in a near panic.

"Are you kidding?!" Lloyd exclaimed, turning to Cecile. "They blasted off the float!"

"The Le Fay has to strike at the base!" Cecile said urgently.

"No, the shield doesn't completely surround us! One direct hit and we'll go down in flames!" Lloyd panicked, gripping his head almost ripping his hair out.

"Suzaku, reroute all power to combat and comm systems!" Cecile ordered promptly, looking down at her console.

o~o

"Got it!" Suzaku replied before rushing to do so, trying to stay calm. The factspheres on the Lancelot shut down.

"You had better surrender, Suzaku," Sawazaki sneered, "Since you're Prime Minister Kururugi's son I guarantee you will be very well treated, my boy."

"I decline. If I used my father's name for this I'd never forgive myself," Suzaku retorted, as Knightmares surrounded him, "This is between you and me."

"I see…You are very much your father's son, as foolish and stubborn as he was."

Suzaku growled, wracking his brain to figure a way out of the situation he was in.

"Suzaku Kururugi!" the voice made Suzaku's eyes widen as he looked up and saw…

"Princess Euphemia!" Suzaku gasped.

"Suzaku, the truth is you and I…That is…" Euphemia trailed off.

"Sorry." Suzaku wheeled the Lancelot out and attacked the enemy Knightmares. "But right now…"

"You see…I hereby command you to love me!" Euphemia shouted.

"Right… Wait, what?!" Suzaku stopped upon realizing what Euphemia had said, his eyes bugged out.

o~o

"Huh?" Cecile gasped too at what she just heard.

"What? What is it?!" Lloyd asked anxiously, his eyes wild.

"Uh…Sorry but this is private." Cecile said, her face flushing as she removed her headpiece.

o~o

"And in return, I will love you! Forever!" Euphemia continued steadfastly.

"Princess Euphemia!" Suzaku gasped as he weaved around the enemy bullets.

"Suzaku, I love your stubbornness and your kindness and your strength! Your sad eyes, your clumsiness, and the way you have trouble with cats! I love everything about you! When you disappeared, I thought about you every day! I hoped that you'd one day be found and come back to me!" Suzaku fired his flash harken once more as the Princess went on, "So please, don't hate yourself!"

For a moment, Suzaku found himself at a loss of words, before he smiled softly, "I see that I've made you even more worried than I did before. You really are…" like a whip, the Lancelot threw one Knightmare against several more, making them fall like dominos, "Everything you do is impulsive. When we first met, when you told me you were a princess, when you selected my school — always!"

"Yes, they were all sudden," Euphemia confirmed with a smile, "but that's because…I suddenly realized..."

"But then it's that spur of the moment feeling that's opened so many doors for me." Suzaku wheeled the Lancelot towards the enemy command center. "Thank you."

o~o

"What are you doing?!" Sawazaki exclaimed, feeling panic rising in him for the first time that evening, "Stop him now!"

o~o

Suzaku opened his eyes. "Princess, can I make one final request?"

"Final?" Euphemia gasped on the other side.

"Please, transfer this to a separate line," Suzaku requested, "one that no else is using."

Euphemia was confused but did as he said. Suzaku followed suit in the Lancelot.

Suzaku knew what he said next had to stay between himself and the Princess. No one, especially from Britannia could overhear this.

"Euphie, I just want you to know… your sister, Cornelia, and Lelouch and Nunnally, they're all right. They're safe and being well-taken care of," he explained the best he could.

"Wha-they are?" Euphemia gasped, hope and joy bubbling inside her.

"Yes," Suzaku nodded as the Lancelot's energy filler blinked on its final bar, the enemy sweeping in for a final blow, "You may see them again really soon, and when you do there'll be a surprise for you. A good one."

Euphemia gasped happily in relief upon hearing this. But something told her that Suzaku wasn't finished.

"And also, when you see them again, please deliver a message for me. Tell them, I'm sorry I couldn't be there for them. I'm sure they'll be fine without me."

"Suzaku, don't tell me you're-"

The Lancelot wheeled down a pair of walls with one leg on both walls and leaped out into a circle of enemies. "Tell them thank you for everything, and Euphie, I mean that for you too. Thanks for everything," he sighed in acceptance as the enemy raised their guns, "I was stubborn all the way to the end."

"Why don't you tell us yourself?!"

Suzaku gasped as suddenly, lasers of ice and fire rained down from the sky, freezing and burning the Knightmares, their pilots along with them.

o~o

From the Chinese transport, Sawazaki gasped, "What was that?"

"Something just appeared on the radar. And they're huge!"

"We've got picture!"

"Sir! You need to see this!"

Sawazaki gasped as the seven Voltron Lions descended onto the battlefield. The Black and Purple ones landed directly in front of Suzaku, growling aggressively like a real lion would protect its cub. The Green, Yellow, Orange, Blue, and Red ones circled them protectively as well, firing and destroying any Knightmares that got too close.

Suddenly the line went black, only to be replaced moments later by the laughing face of Voltron himself.

o~o

Euphemia gasped in surprise as the same laughing image flashed on her private line as well.

o~o

Rai's fingers danced rapidly across Zerith's keyboard as he quickly and effectively hacked into both the lines that the Lancelot was connected to and effectively cutting both Sawazaki and Euphemia (as well as any other Britannians listening in) out, while also establishing a private line of his own, connecting all the Lions to the Lancelot's communications.

"Wha-Yoru?" Suzaku gasped at the sight of the Purple Lion, "But how are you-?"

"Suzaku!" Nunnally's voice rang through the channel, making him gasp, "Are you okay?"

"Wha-Nunnally?" he gasped, a mixture of awe and horror in his tone. His brow furrowed, "Lelouch, what the hell-"

"For the record, I never agreed to this arrangement," Lelouch answered. One could clearly tell he was frowning as he said this. Lelouch hadn't exactly been pleased when he discovered that Nunnally had gone behind his back and did this, only for Nunnally to argue back that Suzaku needed as much help as possible, and Yoru didn't want to sit back and do nothing while her Paladin's life was in danger.

So, with the promise that they would discuss this when they returned to the Castle, Lelouch relented, knowing Nunnally would at least be physically fine inside the Lion.

"Wait so… Nunnally are you…?"

"No," Nunnally answered, "Yoru's letting me fly her because she wants to help you Suzaku, but… she couldn't do that on her own."

Suzaku was at a loss for words. The Purple Lion still wanted to help him, even after learning what he did? Why? He was sure that anyone on the Castle would have been a better fit than him.

"Suzaku, we all want to help you!" Shirley suddenly exclaimed as the other Lions surrounded the Lancelot, "You did a bad thing, but that doesn't make you a bad person. What about all the times you saved our lives? Like when you helped fight off Sendak when he took over the Castle?"

"Or what about the time you, me, and Milly saved all those Merpeople from that Baku monster?" Rivalz added.

"Or when we fought all those Ro-beasts Zarkon sent against us?" Milly continued.

Rai spoke next, "You've done something that you think you can't forgive yourself for, we get that. I especially know what that's like... But just because you did something bad, doesn't mean you can't redeem yourself."

Kallen huffed out a laugh before speaking next, "You're a stubborn idiot who doesn't know when to quit. But, at the same time, you're someone we can depend on. You didn't even hesitate to help me fight Zarkon back at Galra HQ. And... I never did get a chance to thank you for that."

"Suzaku, please," Nunally begged, "We might have different parents, but you're family to me! I don't want to lose you! I know I'm being selfish right now, but I don't care! Please come back to us! I love you!"

Suzaku was stunned. He was sure that once it had sunk in for the Paladins of his sin, they would leave him. They had the right to after all.

But no, that's not what happened. They didn't see a murderer. They saw a friend, a teammate, a brother, and a member of their family. One that they wanted to come home.

"Suzaku…" Lelouch intoned, shaking him out of his thoughts, "When I first arrived at your family's home, I didn't trust anyone. I completely shut myself out from everyone except Nunnally. But, you were able to help break through my shell, you became the first real friend I ever had outside my biological family. You're always putting everyone else first ahead of yourself, but every now and again, you're entitled to be a little selfish, you're human too. I don't want to lose the first friend I ever had. I don't want to beg, but I will if I have to. You, and everyone else, you've all been there for me. Now it's our turn to return the favor."

Tears had begun to build in his eyes as he listened to Lelouch's speech, but the final statement made them spill over. He gasped and tried to muffle sniffles with his hand. From inside, he heard an almost impatient whine and the sound of metal approaching the Knightmare. He half expected Yoru to start pawing at the Lancelot.

With a hiss, the cockpit of the Lancelot slid open, and just as he suspected, was met with Yoru's long snout.

Patting the top of the Lancelot's head in a clear goodbye, Suzaku jumped to the ground as Yoru lowered her head in front of him with an eager purr.

Making his way up into the familiar cockpit, he was immediately greeted by Nunnally, who instantly leaped up and hugged him tightly. A hug that he gladly returned.

"Thanks for keeping Yoru company," as he pulled back, Yoru's familiar soft growls echoed in his mind, "Yeah, it's good to see you too, girl."

Throwing her head back, Yoru roared loudly, followed by the other six Lions before shooting up into the sky.

"I recognized that strategy the second you appeared in the battle," Lelouch addressed, "They send a single fighter in to try to disrupt the main force so that even if you failed, Britannia's militia would have swooped right in. This has Schneizel written all over it!"

"You think he's here? Maybe on one of those boats?" Kallen asked.

"No," Lelouch shook her head, "Schneizel prefers to stay back and command from a distance, unlike Cornelia who participates actively in the battle."

Before further discussion could ensue, the group suddenly found themselves surrounded by several Chinese helicopters.

"Hey!" Rivalz exclaimed, activating Polaris's sonic ray, "Out the way!"

With a roar, Polaris fired the sonic ray, effectively disabling all of the helicopters, causing them to fall back to Earth.

"So, now what? Who do we attack? One or both sides?" Shirley asked.

Before Lelouch could reply, a screen appeared in front of him, receiving a signal. It seemed to be coming from the Chinese Federation.

"Well, well, Minister Sawazaki," Lelouch addressed as he quickly slid on his mask before answering.

"Zero! Why are you attacking us, we're both on the same side! Shouldn't we be fighting together as comrades?! Don't you care about Japan?!" the Minister exclaimed, but Lelouch could see the fear in his eyes as well.

"Voltron stands against anyone who uses violence unjustly for their own selfish end," Lelouch informed indifferently.

"Selfish?!" Sawazaki shouted in offense, "I'm doing this for Japan!"

"Sawasaki! If this is for Japan, why did you run away to the Chinese Federation?!" Suzaku asked, activating a voice-only connection, "You should have stayed, for everyone's sake!"

"You're still a child!" Sawazaki shouted.

Lelouch sighed dramatically, "It seems words have no effect on you. Very well. Paladins, we're attacking the enemy command center!"

"Wha-what-!" was the final thing Sawazaki said as Zero cut off the connection.

"Form Voltron!"

o~o

"Lady Enneagram," a radio crackled, "Voltron's here! The Lions just converged."

"What?! Why aren't we attacking then?" she exclaimed.

"That's the thing, they appear to be fighting the Chinese Federation!"

"What…? That doesn't make any sense?" she muttered, "Why are they fighting on our side now?"

o~o

"Suzaku… you and Lelouch are…" Euphemia murmured in relief when she heard about Voltron appearing at the base.

o~o

"So that was the plan," Tohdoh said, as he and the rest of the Black Knights watched the footage from the Castle, "It was clear that the Lions were more than enough to take the base…"

"Still, we at least could have helped with Earth-bound Knightmares. Give them some sort of back-up!" Tamaki protested.

"Yeah, even I'll admit it feels weird to be fighting on Britannia's side…" Ohgi trailed off before Allura interrupted.

"You're misunderstanding," the Altean corrected, "Victory is not necessary in this case. But Voltron's participation in this battle is an undeniable truth. It's showing your planet and people exactly where Voltron stands in this war, and that is protecting your nation."

"And even if this battle isn't officially reported," Coran added, "Rumors will spread. By the time this is over, I'm sure the entire country will know about it."

o~o

"What's wrong with going to another country, then waiting for the right moment to strike?!" Sawazaki demanded as he rode in a military vehicle to escape the base that Voltron was currently tearing to pieces. A helicopter was waiting for him and General Tsao., "That's an effective strategy, isn't it?"

"We can set up a new line of defense at Kagoshima," Tsao suggested.

"Right. I appreciate your help," Sawazaki nodded as they finally approached the helicopter pad.

Before either of them could enter the helicopter though, Aka's head suddenly slammed down on it, destroying it completely. Sawazaki stumbled backward in shock as Voltron levitated directly in front of him and Tsao.

"Sawazaki, that's far enough!" Rai ordered from the Green Lion.

"You won't get away that easy!" Kallen shouted.

"Im-impossible!" Sawazaki stuttered in fear before falling to his knees, "They took the largest fortress in all of Kyushu, with hardly any effort?"

The sound of Knightmares and vehicles approaching was heard from below as Voltron turned to leave.

"I think Britannia can handle things from here," Milly stated.

"Right… let's go home," Lelouch ordered before the Paladins rocketed back into the sky, reunited once again.

o~o

Taking one more moment to adjust his armor for the hundredth time, Suzaku took a deep breath before walking steadily onto the bridge, where Allura, Coran, Nunnally, and the other Paladins waited for him.

Allura smiled softly as Suzaku approached from the opened door.

"Suzaku Kururugi, Paladin of the Purple Lion, Yoru, reporting for duty," he said with a bow.

"Welcome back, Suzaku," Allura smiled and handed his Bayard back to him, "I believe this belongs to you."

Suzaku took it, but the feeling of unease still remained. Yesterday, the team had made it clear that they wanted him here. But was he truly worthy as a Paladin?

"I'm grateful, Princess Allura," he said honestly, "but… despite all this, I still feel undeserving of this."

To his surprise, Allura approached and placed a hand on his shoulder, causing him to look up in surprise, "I'm not so sure. I don't know if you're already aware of this, Suzaku. But the Purple Lion's previous Paladin was my mother, Queen Melenor of Altea," Suzaku's eyes widened at this information, along with the rest of the team besides Lelouch, "In a way, she was much like yourself, every bit as stubborn as you are, while also putting the lives of others above her own. But, what made her truly stand out was how she always told me, that when you make a mistake, you can always find a way to redeem yourself no matter how grave your mistake was. You took the life of your own father, and I can't imagine what that must be like for you, but despite all your flaws and shortcomings, the Purple Lion chose you to be her Paladin for a reason; because it recognized the best in you, just as we all do."

Suzaku didn't know what to say, still trying to process this new revelation, so Allura continued.

"When I was a child, my father told me something. I didn't quite understand it back then, but now I do. The real test of honor is not how you die. It's how you live."

Suzaku gasped at this, before smiling, gratitude, and determination on his face, "I won't let you down."

Allura nodded, "I know you won't."

"Yay!" Nunnally cheered, before rushing to hug him again. Suzaku laughed as he gently hugged her back once more.

"All right! Welcome back!" Milly cheered.

"This ship has been way too boring without you Suzaku," Rai smiled.

"Eh… Yeah, I guess it was," Kallen shrugged, but a smirk was still present on her face.

"We've all missed you Number Two," Coran said, patting Suzaku on the back.

"Anyway, now that that's out of our system," Rivalz said, suddenly looking at Suzaku almost accusingly, "bro, why didn't you tell us you had a thing for Princess Euphemia?"

"Wh-" Suzaku sputtered and his face turned tomato red, "Wha-What are you talking about?!"

"You can't fool us, Suzaku," Rai grinned, "Plus, I may or may not have hacked into the Lancelot's communication system halfway through your little love confession. A pretty decent one too if you ask me."

Milly chortled, "So was that your plan to change the system? Marry into the royal family?"

Kallen continued smirking, shrugging again, "Well that does sound like a good idea on paper, but you know all those royal assholes would have a field day with that."

Rai chuckled, "Still, I'd love to see the looks on all their faces if Suzaku and Euphemia did marry."

"Guys!" Suzaku whined, covering his face to hide his blush. He felt absolutely mortified.

"Leave him alone, everyone!" Shirley scolded them, "He literally just got back and we're teasing him already?"

"Yeah!" Nunnally joined in before turning to Suzaku again, "You don't have to listen to them Suzaku, I think you and Euphie would be a great couple!"

"I have been curious to research a couple of Earth's marriage customs for a while," Coran added in, stroking his chin in thought, "If you're planning to propose soon, please inform me."

Though Coran hadn't meant to, this did elicit another round of chuckles from the group. Even Lelouch.

Suzaku sighed, but a smile was spread across his face as he looked up at them.

"It's good to be back."

#Fanfiction #Code Geass #Voltron #lelouch lamperouge #milly ashford #suzaku kururugi #kallen kozuki #shirley fenette #rai #rivalz cardemonde #coran #allura #euphemia li britannia #schneizel el britannia #crossover

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yamraven15 · 4 years ago

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Short To Ultrashort Peptide Hydrogels For Biomedical Usages

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Content

Ostarine And Ligandrol Improve Muscle Cells In An Ovariectomized Rat Model.

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Individuals often have sensations of shame and disgust at their absence of control throughout as well as after binge consuming, which can enhance that cycle of unfavorable feelings, constraint and binge consuming once again. Individuals with binge eating disorder consume huge amounts of food over a brief time period.

This not only causes boosted muscle development however also causes muscle mass retention and also the formation of brand-new muscle cells. This SARM was at first developed to assist people experiencing muscle mass loss, but it's generally used by bodybuilders to stop muscular tissue wasting. GHSRs are also located in the areas of the brain that regulate appetite, state of mind, satisfaction, memory, organic rhythms, cognitive functions, as well as memory. When you take Ibutamoren, you'll not only lose fat as well as develop muscle mass but will also feel better and more alert, improving your health and fitness efficiency. A large part of this reason is how Ligandrol increases your power.

Ostarine And Ligandrol Improve Muscle Mass Tissue In An Ovariectomized Rat Version.

You'll be able to work out for longer as well as can maintain more intense training sessions, which will certainly bring about some major muscle gains. is among one of the most powerful muscle-building SARMs on the market. It just takes a few weeks for Ligandrol to work, also after a solitary cycle. Bodybuilders will also experience other benefits when utilizing Ostarine, such as boosted bone density as well as faster recovery time. Bodybuilding offers numerous physical benefits as well as can boost your physique. When S.A.R.Ms bind to the receptor they show anabolic and hypertrophic activity in both muscular tissue as well as bone.

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Individuals might locate it challenging to quit during a binge also if they wish to. Some individuals with binge eating condition have explained really feeling detached from what they're doing during a binge, or even struggling to keep in mind what they've eaten later on. Most individuals advise that the item is carried out just once every 4 weeks, dbal types.

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Makers must test each item in independent research laboratories, which must provide their consent for sports supplements to appear on the marketplace. Without it, consumers may question the correctness and safety of the product as well as deny it. Some SARMs had been tested years before they were authorized for use. Although costliness is a family member term, most individuals will certainly agree that the costs of SARMs are high.

Unlike people with bulimia, they don't usually follow this by getting rid of the food via, for example, vomiting, though sometimes they could fast in between binges. BED is not about picking to eat huge parts, nor are individuals that suffer from it just "overeating"-- much from being delightful, binges are extremely distressing, usually entailing a much larger quantity of food than someone would certainly wish to eat.

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On top of that, cycle assistance lowers the possibility you'll experience any type of negative effects. Lots of PCT supplements contain natural vitamins, minerals, and natural herbs such as ashwagandha essence, Tribulus Terrestris remove, Rhodiola Rosea essence, vitamin E, as well as saw palmetto essence. These ingredients will stabilize hormonal agents while boosting body make-up as well as your total feeling of health. But there specify supplements that body builders and also anybody taking SARMs must utilize. Supplements include vitamins, minerals, fats, amino acids, and other valuable active ingredients. Individuals take supplements for more reasons than physical fitness advantages. Supplements include important vitamins, minerals, as well as various other substances that improve your wellness.

Does Vitaminhoppe sell SARMs?

While BCAAs are essential to muscular tissue gain, it is suggested you take BCAAs with protein supplements, especially whey protein. BCAAs promote muscle mass protein synthesis, which is the procedure of structure muscle mass. It's likewise said that BCAAs lower muscle damages along with the size and also extent of delayed start muscle pain, urging body builders to raise a lot more. High-grade cycle assistance supplements have ingredients such as grape seed extract, Tribulus Terrestris remove, vitamin E, N-Acetyl-I-Cysteine, saw palmetto essence, celery seed extract, as well as hawthorn berry. Cycle assistance shields important bodily functions, such as cardiovascular, liver, prostate, and cholesterol health and wellness and likewise supports your high blood pressure.

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Binges may be planned like a routine and also can entail the individual getting "special" binge foods, or they might be much more spontaneous. Individuals may most likely to extreme sizes to accessibility food-- for example, consuming food that has actually been discarded or taking food. https://highgrade-labs.com/product/mk-2866-ostarine/ consuming generally takes place in private, though the person may consume regular meals outside their binges. Individuals with binge eating problem might additionally limit their diet regimen or place in certain guidelines around food-- this can also lead to them binge eating because of hunger and also sensations of starvation.

This time I reduced weight on the scale a minimum of however visually it really did not resemble it as well as I maintained my toughness.

It deserves keeping in mind that Cardarine itself was initially recommended as a way to battle obesity.

SARM-type mass tablets from this team allow to melt fat cells without losing muscle mass cells.

SARMs for weight decrease and also help in building a new one include Ibutamoren, Cardarine as well as Endurobol.

Usually when I stop with my steroids, my toughness minimizes and also I am reducing weight.

I got it for myself, not as much to be getting mass however basically for after steroid cycle.

This would be similar to a SARMS triple stack that is typically kept up Ostarine, except there is a possibility of more size being placed on while cutting. A great dose for this method would be 3-5 mg a day for 8 weeks. LGD has actually shown the most ability of any type of SARM to put on dimension that could be thought about a bulk. rises, and also have had a significant rise in calorie consumption. An advise dosage for this kind of objective would be 5-10 mg day for 8 weeks. If you disable this cookie, we will not have the ability to conserve your preferences. This implies that every time you see this web site you will certainly require to allow or disable cookies once again.

Types Of Bonds In Biological Molecules.

Being unclear of any of the above can suggest that you should not be taking efficiency enhancers just yet-- this is since your body still has the ability to improve normally. Just when you can not improve anymore would certainly I suggest considering taking performance enhancers. Value that efficiency enhancers will not make you rub on their own. As your body responds, you might really feel an absence of hunger, but this ought to not place you off from sticking to your diet plan. The most effective SARMs to buy come with clear and also detailed guidelines.

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A dramatically higher intramuscular fat content of the quadriceps femoris muscle was observed in the OVX+LG 4 group compared to the Non-OVX group. In OVX rats, the fat web content of the muscular tissue did not vary from that in the other teams. All rats received a soy-free rodent diet regimen (ssniff Spezial Diät GmbH, Soest, Germany) throughout the experiment. OS and LG were provided with the soy-free diet (ssniff Spezial Diät GmbH).

Strictly Required Cookie ought to be enabled in any way times so that we can conserve your preferences for cookie settings. It means that purchasers have proper defense when purchasing sports supplements, both online as well as offline. Authorities are reacting extremely quickly and also capturing scammers marketing fake SARMs.

The gastrocnemius muscular tissue, soleus muscular tissue, as well as longissimus muscular tissue were extracted. The GM and also SM were evaluated and also all muscle mass were frozen in fluid nitrogen and also kept at − 80 ° C up until more evaluations. Either left or right muscular tissues were used arbitrarily in either histological or enzyme analyses. In Experiment II, intramuscular fat content was identified in the quadriceps femoris muscle in Non-OVX, OVX, as well as OVX+LG 4 groups.

The continuing to be food in the cage was evaluated regular to compute the average daily food consumption of a rat by separating these data by days in between the weighing and number of rats in a cage. The typical day-to-day dose of OS and LG was computed based on the everyday food intake as well as the mean BW in the cage on the particular week. After 13 weeks post-OVX, all pets were euthanized under CO2 anesthetic. Blood serum was gathered for further evaluation of creatine kinase as a pen of muscle mass damages.

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Posted: Mon, 09 Jul 2018 07:00:00 GMT [source]

If you have not gotten any type of, component 3 has been made to assist you obtain one of the most out of your cycle. Ideal for those who do not take pleasure in having a healthy and balanced level of testosterone. I in fact slimmed down no strength gets no anything generally. https://highgrade-labs.com/product/gw-501516-cardarine/ is actually better than its ever before been training is good also. It will certainly shine more-so if ran in combination with SARMS S-4 as well as Cardarine (GW ).

Nonetheless, they are still associated with venous thromboembolism and also stroke. C4 (generally known as pre-workout) delivers a boost of caffeine and also other components to increase endurance, power, as well as performance. It's suitable for bodybuilders of all levels, however you need to adhere to application directions meticulously.

OS and also LG are still being checked out in professional tests, as well as neither have actually been accepted as therapies to this point. There are no studies reporting in vivo impacts of OS and LG on postmenopausal muscle structure and also metabolic rate. The aim of the here and now study was to check out the result of OS as well as LG on the muscle mass tissue of ovariectomized rats as the standard design for postmenopausal problems. The OS impact on bone tissue as well as animal version as a component of Experiment I has actually been just recently published. Hormonal agent replacement therapy in postmenopausal ladies is related to extreme side effects, such as an enhanced threat of coronary heart disease, bust cancer, stroke, and also venous thromboembolism. Nevertheless, it is still the most reliable therapy for postmenopausal symptoms and also for carefully picked women, advantages might exceed risks. Selective estrogen receptor modulators have useful results on the musculoskeletal system like estrogen, they have fewer adverse occasions on busts and the womb.

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blinkingstardust · 5 years ago

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thinker

[tw: death, suicide? idk how tws work]

i'm a thinker, so i used to think that thinking is the solution to just about everything.

it makes sense. the more you think, the sooner you'll find a solution that makes sense, a solution that has most pros and least cons, a favourable solution. and most of the time people end up in a completely horrible situation that could've been avoided, had they choose to stop for a moment and think out the entire situation. then again, for people who aren't just natural thinkers, like i am, they'd say that "everything is easier in theory than in practice," which by theory i am sure is true, but i have never tested myself in practice.

then again perhaps that is also the case when it comes to these seemingly avoidable catastrophes in life—perhaps it is because i have never faced such a conflict, that i have never for a moment believed that not everything can be solved with thought. i'd like to think that it's the reverse—i have never ended up in such situations because i use thought, but even i know as a thinker that the theory isn't valid; so much factors come into play in regards to how irregular, out of the ordinary situations occur in our lives. in other words, there are many external factors contributing to the situations i end up in, not merely my thought processes.

so my current stance in life seems to be that i just haven't been hit with a large enough force to truly test the hypothesis that problems can be avoided by thorough planning. regardless, being the semi-realistic person i am, i spend my life planning to avoid these so-called disasters. i learn about everything—from science to humans, to understand the things that pose as risks into my life, so that when the time comes where i have to face something threatening my safety, i'd be able to fight it off. i know how to spot the right people to hang with, so i don't end up being betrayed or being heartbroken by some worthless man. i know what to do to prevent common diseases, and i know to resist impulses such as binge shopping, so i can save money, and drinking, so i don't die early in life. most of all, i learn how others live, so i won't have to repeat the same mistakes people made. and in comparison to these lives i've read about, 17 years is a considerably long period of time to have lived without facing a major disaster caused by my lack of thought.

i'm not quite sure, though, whether 17 years is an extremely late period of time to realise that i haven't been alive at all.

according to some accounts of science, you begin to die right after birth. biologically, the average lifespan of our cells is about 7-10 years, but the shortest lifespan of a cell in our body can be about mere hours. scientifically, the official age our bodies are considered to start dying begins at 25, because before then the rate of cell growth exceeds cell death. by this standard, me being at the age of 17 means that i haven't officially started dying.

but lately, it's been starting to feel a lot like i'm dying, even to a physical extent. and it has little to do with the coronavirus lockdown. in almost every aspect of my life i'm doing fine—i have no major health issues, i have a pretty content family, a decent amount of friends to rely on, grades that i can get by with, and beginning recently, regained freedom to roam around the country, meaning a nice, independent life. with the gadgets i have and the money i save, i have enough to entertain myself during the holidays. but even so, it feels so empty. i spend my days lying on my dorm bed, which feels so much more like a deathbed these days, thinking of how to remain alive, but not doing any of the things i know i should be doing.

and by this i mean: i should be cleaning my room, at least once every two weeks, windows opened, laundry done, taking care of my hygiene, and subsequently, my health. but i haven't touched the vacuum cleaner in two months, the furniture's piled with dust, as if no one's lived in the room for years, the laundry basket overflows with clothes worn without being washed in weeks, the window never being opened that it's killed even my resilient succulent, the bedsheets as it were months ago, never been changed. by this i mean: i should be taking care of my food intake, eating as much vegetables and fruits, taking vitamins, and watching my carb intake, exercising regularly and sleeping at the right time to maintain not just my physical, but mental health as well. but i order takeout every other day, and when i don't, i eat instant, processed food, consume an abnormal amount of caffeine and milk day and night, never touching the vitamins placed on the nightstand right next to the bed, eating too much at once then some days, not at all, sleeping more than half a day then, in a day, less than three broken up hours of sleep, and when awake, never moving the body other than to go to the toilet. by this i mean: i should be maintaining an active daily routine through which i continue to pursuit mental challenges, and artistic endeavours to keep my brain alive, making use of the free time i have to take some classes to reduce the study load of the future, to read the books i don't have time to read in school, to write stories of ideas i think in the shower, to sing and dance, and even rap, the songs i listen to daily, to draw the people i love, to speak of the things people need to hear, to even design a house, or dress up avatars, feeding off my favourite aesthetics, anything to keep the brain alive. but i do none of these, even when i have my laptop, my ipad with the corresponding apple pencil, my papers and pens, my phone, my newly and impulsively bought nintendo switch, my books, all placed around me, i don't make an effort to open the apps i need, don't make a single effort to use my brain, use the creativity, and keep it running, instead i lie on my bed for hours, just thinking, thinking of what i should do and what i shouldn't do and not actually doing it, and looking at the full length mirror next to me and realising just exactly how brain dead i look, and that it's only about time that the body follows suit.

and many of the times i spend just thinking, i find myself conjuring ideas in my head, wishing for myself to be not thinking. i find myself wishing to feel, without thinking of the consequences, without considering all pros and cons of the situation, just going with what i feel. i want to fall in love with the wrong person so wholeheartedly, even if everyone around me argues that said person will inevitably break my heart. i want to go to the club and dance like there isn't a tomorrow, sing my heart out, drown my throat in burning liquor and perhaps in someone's tongue, only to wake up with no memory of the previous night in some good looking stranger's bed. i want to waste my money on a good camera, plane tickets to countries in various continents, take beautiful pictures of the scenery and of friends who may not stick with me for more than a year, and feel the pride off the pictures i take, and have pictures taken of as well so i can post them in my social media and have people see how beautiful of a life i have. i want to be openly rude to people who disrespect others, look down on condescending people, and land myself in prison for confidently leading a movement standing up against prevalent derogatory beliefs, and again for hacking into rich people's accounts to redistribute the wealth. i want to spend the nights in the beach, regardless of curfew, staring at the starry expanse of black, with people i care about and people who care about me, shouts echoing over the deep blue, gathered around the blazing red and orange of the campfire, pouring every feeling we've ever felt, in laughter, in tears, in anger, in fear, as humans. i want to be struck by lightning, hit by a bus, fall from a building, faint from the heat, shot by a bullet, and land in the hospital, few seconds from death, and be given a stronger reason to appreciate the life i have. i want to feel human. i want to live for once.

i keep waiting for something, or someone out there to bring about these changes to me. i'm tired of waiting. i want to start feeling instead of thinking. but as much as i want to do something about it, it's too late—my brain has eaten out most of my heart, and i don't know if there's anything left of it. i can't cause myself to feel anything anymore, the only feelings i feel left are fatigue, tiredness, emptiness. a shell of a human.

i'm starting to think that the only thing that'll end my endless train of thought is when i finally stop breathing—but i don't feel scared. i can't anymore. if anything, i await the day.

—

//broke my writing streak (and, simultaneously, my animal crossing streak, and my normal functioning life in general) and have been so... lifeless in a week so maybe writing this may bring about something

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rainythefox · 5 years ago

Text

Broken Haven (Ch.13)

Synoposis: As the world they knew burns to ash above their heads, Joseph Seed and the Deputy are at crossroads with each other. The Deputy tries to cope with the loss of her family and friends, the sins she has done, and must learn to live with her enemy. Joseph has a revelation of their purpose and what they must do before stepping out into the light in seven years. Because in this broken haven, they need each other to rebuild a new world and a new life.

Joseph Seed/Female Deputy OC Mary “Emmy” Samson (Bunker Fic)

AO3 Link

Chapter 13: Best Laid Plans

Mary awoke lazily to her full bladder making itself known. Even so, she didn’t move, too warm and comfortable to move, and so she tried to ignore the discomfort. It was the first time she had slept so well in a long time, so there was no need to ruin the moment. But her bladder wasn’t having it, and eventually the Deputy was forced to move, inwardly cursing at her bodily functions.

She was alone in bed. Mary wasn’t sure what time it was, yawning as she dressed herself into her robe. Smiling, she noticed her clothes from last night, neatly folded on the dresser. Joseph was always an early bird, so she wasn’t surprised at all.

Still trying to fully wake up, she left her room after running her fingers through her messy hair in an attempt to tame it somewhat. Walking to the bathroom throughout the dreary bunker hallway, she felt her body complain, still sore from last night’s “Christmas celebrations”.

Mary rubbed her lower back with a grimace, trying to stretch as she walked. She slipped into the main den and paused when she found Joseph sitting at the table reading a book. He was only half-dressed again, his hair up in its trademark bun.

She smelled food of some kind, but it was overpowered by coffee, which lofted around the den and seemed to touch her very soul. The heavenly aroma painted a dreamy smile on the Deputy’s face. Coffeeeeeee…but first I need to pee. Outta my way, everyone!

Joseph noticed her soon after, and his smile made her stop short halfway to the bathroom. Since when did that all-knowing, charming upcurve of his lips have that sort of effect on her?

“Good morning,” Mary mumbled.

Joseph stood and came over to her. Mary’s heart ping-ponged in her ribcage and must’ve hit her bladder somehow because she couldn’t stay still. It only got worse when the cult leader ran his fingers through her hair and dipped down to place an affectionate kiss on her lips.

“Good morning,” he said. He soon noticed her fidgeting. “Something the matter?”

“I just really gotta pee,” she said lamely.

Joseph stepped aside with a small chuckle. “Well, you better go then.”

Mary bolted for the bathroom and relieved herself. She felt like a shower was in order. Not only to clean herself from the unexpected workout last night, but to soothe the aching muscles all over her body. As athletic as she was, the Deputy was surprised she was that sore.

Ugh, I’m really getting out of shape down here...

She decided to have coffee and breakfast first and save the shower for last. Back in the den, Joseph had already prepared her a bowl and a cup. Oatmeal and toast. And apparently, he had watched her enough to know exactly how she made her coffee. Sometimes she forgot how observant he was. Normally, that would’ve creeped her out, but now it was actually endearing.

“Thanks!”

Joseph simply nodded, sitting down across from her. He only had a cup of coffee. Mary wasn’t sure if he had eaten already or not. Joseph’s eating patterns were weird enough. He pushed the book aside and watched her contently. The Deputy refrained from wolfing down her breakfast, as hungry as she was, now that his watchful eyes were resting on her.

“Sleep well?” Joseph asked.

Mary nodded. “The best in a long time, actually. You?”

“The very same.”

That made her heart soar for some reason. They talked as Mary ate her breakfast. Joseph’s eyes on her did interesting things to her body. She had always noticed him watching her but would usually try to ignore it. Now there was something simply magnetic about it, making her skin tingle.

Geez, get a grip, girl. You’re acting like a horny teenager for crying out loud!

The Deputy couldn’t exactly help herself though. Last night had been pretty damn amazing. She had to admit that for a crazy doomsday cult leader, Joseph was sure good in bed. Despite that and his toned body and good looks, Mary was still half in disbelief it even happened. Looking back, the sexual tension between them had been obvious for a while, no matter how much she had tried to ignore it before things took a turn for the hot and bothered.

They still had done horrible things to each other that would take time to heal, but they were now on a good path to making it happen. Not to mention, Joseph was sixteen years older than her, and well, Mary wasn’t one to sleep around with older men...but she was willing to make an exception for him, should he...be interested. Not that she was hoping for it or anything.

Now that there’s a clean slate between us…there’s no telling what will happen next. Hopefully, things will be looking up for the both of us. I’m so ready to leave all the misery behind...

That new clean slate was felt in her very core. Mary felt…free. It was the best way to describe it as she and Joseph talked that morning. Maybe her life would finally start to feel like hers again. Maybe she could actually live now, instead of merely exist.

Still, there was something that nagged her at the back of her brain all morning, never quite revealing itself. She just couldn’t put her finger on it. Mary was convinced that it had to be nothing but the usual morning-after-nookie anxiety with a new partner; the uncertainty, newness and awkwardness typically felt by new lovers. Although she didn’t feel any uncertainty coming from Joseph at all. He was just…Joseph. So it had to be her for some reason.

She was unsurprised that Joseph sensed it just as he seemed to sense anything unsettling her. “What troubles you, Mary?”

Hell, I wish I knew!

She shrugged. “I’m fine…just…I don’t know. Just a funny feeling. Something scratching at the back of my mind.”

“If you’re worried about last night, don’t be. It was meant to be. Are you worried that’s all I wanted?”

She quickly shook her head. “N-No, of course not.”

He looked relieved at that. He placed a large hand over hers. “Good. Relax, love. Everything is fine.”

Love? They weren’t at that point already, were they? Her heart galloped in her chest, and she was both excited and scared at that word.

Mary softly smiled and squeezed his hand. “Thanks.” She got up to put her empty bowl and cup in the sink. “I’m going to take a shower. Gosh, I swear you almost broke me last night. Thank God I’m so sturdy.”

Joseph smirked, his grin half hidden behind his mug as he took a drink of his coffee. “You’re welcome.”

Mary gave him a half-glare for his obvious arrogance. She left the den, heading for the shower room. The Deputy stripped out of her robe and started the water, certain that a nice, refreshing wash would dissolve whatever was eating at her.

She tried to silence her thoughts by making herself relax under the current of water. The pleasantly warm shower woke her up and rejuvenated her body. After soaking in that moment for a while, she decided to actually scrub herself clean. The water pelted her skin as the Deputy crouched to pick up the shampoo bottle.

She opened the lid and squeezed the container, spilling white goop into her hand. Her eyes stared at the gel as it oozed between her fingers, slightly bubbling from the cascading shower. Mary froze at the sight. And the coin dropped - hard.

Then came the unbearable clench in her gut that soured her mouth.

OH. SHIT.

Mary screamed the kind of curse that would make a seasoned sailor blush, clawing at the valves to turn the shower off. She nearly slipped on the soapy mess puddled at her feet as she ran for a towel. In her hurry, she knocked the towel rack over ripping the towel off.

Still cursing, nausea rippling through her stomach, she raced out of the shower and down the hallway like a howling banshee, drenched and dripping all over the floor.

Dutch has to have some in the infirmary! He just has to!

The Deputy slammed open the infirmary door, fingers slippery. Every curse in the book had left her mouth at least once by now, and Mary tore open the infirmary cabinets. She tossed bottles and boxes aside that had nothing to do with what she sought.

“Come on, come on! Gotta have something!”

But she knew halfway through the next supply cabinet that it wouldn’t be here. She was shit out of luck.

Mary kicked the side of the cabinet hard enough to crack the glass, hard enough to hurt her foot.

“FUCK!”

***

Joseph didn’t know how long he had sat there reading his book, still sipping on his coffee, when he heard Mary scream. He had just enough time to look up before he heard a crash and explicit cursing. He got to his feet, thinking something had to be wrong, that she had hurt herself somehow, when her soaked, nude form flew by the doorway still screaming profanities.

Confused and a little worried, the cult leader left the den and followed her down the hall into the infirmary. He paused in the doorway, finding Mary tearing through the cabinets in search of something, towel half wrapped around her body, water leaking all over the floor, her mouth still spewing colorful words.

The Father sighed, leaning against the doorway. She definitely wasn’t hurt, so he had a pretty good indication on what exactly she had to be looking for.

Knew this was coming, although I had hoped she’d take it a bit more…sensible.

Who was he kidding? The Deputy wasn’t known for rationality.

Mary kicked the cabinet so hard that the front glass of one of the doors cracked. “Fuck!”

Joseph frowned as he watched her put her hands over her face, breathing heavily, nearly having a panic attack.

“Mary.”

She whirled on him, eyes wide, grabbing up the towel. Her eyes became daggers. Joseph wasn’t surprised she took it out on him first.

“This is all your fault! Oh my God, this can’t be happening!”

If only she knew. The prophet pushed himself off the doorframe and slowly moved into the room, hands up in case she decided to attack him. She looked to be racking her brain as she chewed on her lip, her whole body restless and her mind antsy.

“The storeroom! I can check there!” she finally realized.

She started to slip by him, but he caught her, hands on her shoulders. He gently pushed her back to where he blocked her path, and she barely contained herself from punching him in the gut.

“Let me go!”

“You know there’s none down there, so why bother?” Joseph asked.

She shoved him away and backed herself into the infirmary bed. She sat down, hands on her head, towel slipping a little around her slim form.

“What were we thinking? Oh God. I’m gonna be sick.”

***

Her stomach constricted and writhed like a dying animal, making her feel nauseous and light-headed from her panic. But try as she might, Mary knew there was absolutely nothing she could do about it now, except pray it didn’t take. She tried really hard to think of when exactly she had had her last period, but damned if she wasn’t terrible at keeping track of such things. It didn’t seem like that long ago, but the days blended together down here in the bunker, so her memory of the exact date was very vague.

Joseph draped a blanket over her shivering shoulders and then pulled up a chair. He studied her for a moment and leaned back in his seat. “It does you no good to worry about the corollaries now. What happened between us was completely natural and preordained. You’ll be fine, Mary.”

The Deputy paused, eyes slowly going from her lap to him, an unsettling feeling lodging itself in her chest. Joseph’s body language fleetingly reminded her of the first day down here, handcuffed to her bed, the eerie calmness and the subtle pride that he gave off. It wasn’t as menacing as it was back then, but just as disturbing. What the hell was he so smug about?

Joseph was always calm and in control, but Mary knew she should’ve noticed some sort of concern. He was too calm. There was a strange kind of satisfaction coming from him that did not sit right with her.

“How are you so relaxed?” she asked. “Do you not realize what exactly can happen down here? The dangers of it?”

Although his smile was reassuring, she sensed that pride lurking in his eyes. “I know exactly what will happen. You need not to worry. Everything is as it should be.”

A knot wrenched in her gut and she stammered. “Excuse me?!”

And then it clicked. Mary felt like she had been doused with ice-cold water, that’s how shocked she was. His behavior, his words, and her own instincts ironing them out. He knew the risk and didn’t care…he wanted her to get pregnant!

She jumped to her feet, gaping. The cult leader slowly stood, as though reading her inner thoughts. Mary glared at him, so calm, so confident, and so ignorantly insane. And she kicked herself for forgetting that.

“You planned this?!”

Joseph frowned. “Of course not. God did. And He showed me visions of our future. Our union, our marriage, our children, all of it. And we’ll lead the new world together, as the new Adam and Eve.”

Oh my God…Jerome was right. Joseph really does think he’s a king! He’s absolutely insane!

“It’s our destiny, Mary. Just look at the signs He has given us: Mary and Joseph, both miraculously finding shelter when they had nowhere to turn to. It was clearly meant to be all along...”

Oh God...and what the hell is he yapping on about ‘Mary and Joseph’ now?! Good grief! How did I not see this? He’s completely lost it!

His words made her sick and she could only gather that he had planned this from the very beginning. She had dropped her defenses and forgot what he was capable of. This manipulative megalomaniac adept in violence, deception, and persuasion had trapped her with his charm and she let him right in, just like he wanted.

Mary grabbed the nearest pill bottle from the open shelf, not looking at the label and hoping it wasn’t something they might need at some point, and chucked it at him. “Is this why you “saved” me?! To be your personal incubator?!” Her voice became shrill and broke the more upset she got. “You’re fucking insane, Joseph! What did you think was gonna happen? That you’d get to ‘repopulate’ with me six times a week, except Sundays when the Lord would demand for your Twinky to rest?!”

The Deputy flung more bottles at him, angry and hurt and feeling absolutely used. Joseph protected his face as pill bottles, sharp utensils and gauze packages flew for him. Finally, the prophet took his chance when Mary was reaching for a pair of scissors and grabbed her, pinning her down onto the infirmary bed. The Deputy got one good punch across his face before he overpowered her.

“Of course it wasn’t why I saved you,” Joseph growled. “At first I wanted to kill you! Make you pay for what you did to my family. But God told me not to, and I didn’t understand why! Until He showed me...until He let me see the beauty of His plan...it’s fate and His will. We must obey to Him.”

“You’re crazy!”

Their noses were inches apart, Mary struggled underneath him as he straddled her, keeping her in place. She glared daggers at him but he only scowled, looking hurt.

“Am I? I wasn’t wrong about the Collapse, or anything else I preached. What makes this any different?”

“Maybe because you slept with me with the sole intention of knocking me up, you selfish asshole!”

Joseph shook his head. “You’re wrong. Our union came naturally because we are meant to be, sanctioned by God as He intended. You cannot deny the pull, our attraction, or our feelings. Why else do you think it happened so quickly?”

Mary refused to think he could be right on certain points; she was just way too pissed. Whether he was right about everything else before or not did not matter. The fact that he slept with her with the purpose of inseminating her for his delusions, disregarding the incredible risk this could mean for her - trapped in an underground bunker, far away from any anaesthetics, let alone a doctor or midwife - was enough.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she banged her head into his chest to try and get him off, but he was a solid wall of unmovable muscle.

“You bastard, you don’t even care how life-threatening this can be to me down here!”

“Of course I care. As my future wife and mother of my children I care more than you will ever know. That is why I am here to take care of you. We must keep our faith in God, and He will make everything turn out right in the end.”

Mary thought she hadn’t heard him right and stopped fighting, too stunned by his raving about them becoming a family, and too exhausted to continue to boot. Joseph’s cheek puffed from where she had hit him, but he gave no indication that it bothered him. His eyes seared into hers. The scar across his nose from their fight at his compound was a reminder that their animosity wasn’t all that long ago. And now, more than ever, the Deputy wondered: why her?

“You’re even more insane than I thought if you think I’d ever willingly marry you and let you try and get me pregnant more than once.”

Joseph sighed, his composure breaking a bit more. “It will happen, Mary. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. It isn’t what I wanted or planned.”

She snorted contemptuously. “Yeah, I bet not. Bet you just wanted me to be ever so willing and eager, right? Like one of your groupies?” She put on her best, mocking voice for a young, yearning female. “Oh, fill me up Joseph, please, I want your babies! Like that? Not in your fucking life.”

Joseph disproved of her act, scowling, but it didn’t prick him like she had meant it to. “You’re angry. You have every right to be. I’m sorry, Mary.”

The Deputy was more than angry. She was hurt. And she couldn’t even understand why. Because she actually cared for Joseph? Maybe crushed on him in some twisted way? To hide this confusing pain, she just focused on her anger and scorn.

“I’m sure you’ll be sorry when I don’t get pregnant and you can kiss any more chances to get what you want goodbye. Now get off me.”

Joseph respected her wishes and let her go, getting off of her. They stood up and the Father gave her space. He tensed, as if expecting her to start throwing things at him again, but Mary refrained herself. He just wasn’t worth it.

“It will take, Mary. I promise you that. There is no use fighting it.”

He sounded so sure, so confident, and she wasn’t sure if it was in his delusion to “God’s plan” or if he was just that conceited in his own performance. The Deputy glowered at him and pulled the blanket around herself tighter.

“It won’t,” she replied, more stubborn than confident. It was about time that Joseph realized he couldn’t always get what he wanted. She certainly had no intention of giving it to him.

Challenging him like so didn’t get her the reaction she wanted. The flash in Joseph’s sharp blue eyes meant he had thought of something in response to her dispute. He smiled gently, but the faint traces of arrogance were still there.

“If you really believe that, then how about a proposition?”

Mary frowned, not liking where this was going. “What kind of proposition?”

Joseph almost smirked, pleased that she had taken his bait, but kept himself composed. “If you don’t fall pregnant, I will renounce my faith in God, all my visions and my teachings. I will admit that I was wrong and that I am, in fact, crazy. I will let you go.”

The Deputy almost let her jaw fall open, gaping, shocked by his words, but she knew he wasn’t done as he took two cautious yet bold steps her way.

He held up one finger and pointed it at her stomach. “But if you do become pregnant, you will marry me and bear my children. You will atone and stay by my side forever and help me lead the new world as my wife.”

Was he seriously that delusional? Mary hesitated, debating. He had been right about the Collapse and everything else…But what if it had all been stupid luck or caused by his far-reaching influences? It was uncertain how likely it was that he had managed to knock her up. It depended on her cycle and Mary had no idea where she was in it. She had been a wee bit too preoccupied with coming to terms with living underground in a post-apocalyptic world to pay much attention to this important little detail.

But one thing was for certain: she either would or she wouldn’t, and now she had to decide whether she was willing to risk her chance at freedom from Joseph Seed and exposing him as a false prophet or becoming his forever.

It was a deal with the Devil, as far as she was concerned. But did she have a choice?

In the end, the Deputy’s rebelliousness won out and she glared at him. “Deal.”

Joseph smirked. “Good. It’ll be a girl, by the way. She has your eyes and temper. I’ll let you name her. Just pick something nice.”

He turned and left the infirmary without another word. Mary remained by herself, thinking feverishly. A strange feeling came over her from his last words, but she tried her best to shake it off. He’s just fucking with you, Emmy. You’ll be fine…no pregnancy down here. No nappy changing and baby burps. No way in hell.

With a deep breath, Mary left the infirmary. After all this, she was ready to scrub herself raw to clean herself of him, hopefully reducing her risk of conception. What was it that women had used in ancient times? The Deputy thought she remembered once reading something about women cleaning their most private parts with a sponge full of vinegar in long gone times to prevent conception after having intercourse. Hadn’t she seen a bottle of vinegar sitting on the counter in the kitchen somewhere?

Maybe it was worth checking out...

Desperate times and all that. Beggars couldn’t be choosers.

The Deputy gave Joseph a murderous glare as she passed him in the hallway. She wished he would’ve dropped dead, but he kept her gaze, not wholly apologetic and not all patronizing. It was almost like they had been reset to their first month down here, just like that.

It was going to be a long, agonizing few weeks…

***

The next few days went by exactly how Joseph thought they would. Mary tried striking him down with dirty looks and didn’t talk much, unless to berate him. He had things thrown at him, and she deliberately defied him and tried his patience whenever she could. The cult leader wondered if perhaps he would have to consider sleeping with one eye open from now on.

The preacher was deeply in thought as he had taken to scrubbing the kitchen counter for nothing better to do since Mary refused to share space (and time) with him for the time being. He felt restless, despite knowing things would work out in the end. The whole situation frustrated him. How was he to get her to talk to him again, have a normal, civil conversation - without salt shakers being chucked at his head?

Their animosity from before their “morning after” seemed so miniscule in comparison to the anger he felt coming off her in waves these days. Over the last few days, she had broken a number of things that she had aimed at his face whenever they crossed paths, and created a huge mess in the kitchen.

And just where the hell did that bottle of vinegar go?

Things just kept disappearing. He could have sworn there had been a packet of clean sponges in one of the drawers, now one of them was missing...he couldn’t remember her throwing something like a sponge at him during one of their “discussions”. Too soft, he thought fondly with a crooked grin as he wiped the counter dry.

Way too soft for her tastes for sure.

The Father’s smile deepened. His Mary sure was a feisty one...

He was lucky she had eventually tired from tossing things after him and just stormed off in a huff, slamming the door to her room like a bratty teenager.

The preacher wandered off to the communication room once he was done cleaning up the kitchen, still lost in thoughts. While he crossed the hall, he halted for a moment, listening for any sounds from Mary, but things were quiet. Almost too quiet. No (not so) silent cursing, no throwing or breaking of things. Not even any crying. After the last few very heated and noisy days, he guessed he should probably have been grateful. Small blessings and all that…

But he missed their interactions. He had just gotten used to them spending time together - peacefully even! And then she’d let him close enough to break down her last barriers...before finally making her his. Before it all went down the drain with his sudden and monumental revelation, of course. But she had a right to know. He wouldn’t have been able to keep their purpose from her for much longer anyway...the sooner she came to terms with it, the better.

Maybe that meant she was finally cooling down and becoming more rational again, now that she’d had some time to think. Her suspicious silence indicated that she was either sleeping or her mind working overtime, trying to figure out this new situation. Maybe she would even stop refusing to interact with him (without any violence) again. Hopefully soon. He just had to give her space. That was all that was needed. The Lord had brought them together for a reason, He wouldn’t let her turn her back on Joseph now.

Joseph had trust in His plans and therefore kept himself in control, ignoring his inner demons that suggested old tactics from his Project. Mary had absolutely every right to retaliate and be angry, and he needed to be patient until she calmed down and came to her senses.

He did forgive her after all, and so there was no need to revert to his old ways. The preacher knew what would happen, and it would come out right in the end, even if this was not how he had wanted her to find out. Their whole progress seemed to have been dismantled, burned down, crumbled - and it would take time to regrow. Even once Mary realized that she had conceived, Joseph was certain she would fight him for quite a bit. The woman had been broken so many times that conflict was her automatic reflex, her defense as instinctive as any other cornered animal. And he had inadvertently broken what little trust they had built up...

Our daughter will help mend it. I just have to be patient and trust His plan. Everything will work itself out...

Joseph sighed, eyes lingering on the tattoo on his right forearm. Mary was so very different from his first wife, so different from him. She was more like John, volatile, emotional, and so damaged. But she hadn’t become a monster. Her good heart and honor had remained somehow. But God never made mistakes, and they were meant to be. The Father was tasked with mending her, nurturing her. She would become a phoenix rising from the ashes of their old world - and in turn be what the new world needed her to be. But Joseph had his work cut out for him, as he was so quickly reminded.

What God gives…we have to earn. And we are still earning our keep down here, earning each other…We’re far from ready for the new world…But Mary, I promise…the new world will be better to you. I won’t allow it to be otherwise...

The communication room was silent. The record player had long since clicked off and he hadn’t bothered to turn the record over, lost in his inner thoughts. Mary had mostly kept to her room for the past few days when she wasn’t out eating or trying to smite him down with her eyes. The tables had been turned this round. Joseph was now the one left with the bunker while the Deputy holed up in her safe zone. But what differed between the two of them was that Joseph was used to living in seclusion and could thrive in it. It would only be a matter of time before Mary couldn’t handle it anymore and would come back out of her shell.

The cult leader rose, deciding it was time to try and get some sleep. After their fight, Joseph and Mary had relapsed into more irregular sleeping patterns, messing up their days and sense of time.

He was about to leave when something made him freeze in place. Faint, staticky interference buzzed behind him. He slowly turned towards the radio, noticing the blinking green light. He went over to it. The static was soft, barely audible, but he could hear something deeper. A voice? He slowly turned the dial for the volume…

“Dep…hey Dep, you there? Finally got our radio workin’! Emmy, please answer if you’re there.”

They weren’t the only ones. He had known from his visions, but he had not expected for the others to make contact so soon. And he hadn’t expected these particular “leftovers” to be alive at all, let alone trying to communicate with them now.

Joseph listened, his head hurting, the sound of his heartbeat unbearably loud like the radio static. His fists clenched hearing the voices of those wretched rednecks. Grinding his jaw, he hit the switch and turned the radio off, silencing the noise.

The preacher picked up a hammer from the nearest table, glaring at the machine. He should’ve destroyed it months ago. About time to do what he should have done back then...

She’s mine. You all should’ve burned like the others!

He had to keep Mary isolated. Keep her dependent on him only. It was the only way to get what he rightly deserved, what they both deserved.

The Father clenched the hammer, forearm flexing as he raised the tool, anger and frustration driving him. His arm hovered over the radio, about to smash it to pieces and cut them off completely from the outside. They had to quarantine themselves from the surviving contagions of the old world…or else get infected and tainted again.

But something stopped him before he could bring the hammer down. The Voice emerged from the far back corners of his mind, muffled but growing. The hammer trembled in his hand, and he was torn, fighting himself and even the Voice.

It took all of his willpower before the preacher finally dropped the hammer, burying his pride and hatred that had ignited so wildly. His head throbbed in protest, but in the end, he stepped away from the machine.

He had to trust in God. The Lord would make everything fall into place. Mary wasn’t going to leave Joseph for them. God wouldn’t let her.

The Father glared at the radio, but soon his lips quirked smugly. Your precious Deputy won’t go back to you. I’ve already planted a seed…

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