#the only reason i say it's about me is because there aren't many folks writing the sorts of things i am

[optiwashere]

Another day in fandom, another person that's never met a leaning switch or a switch that mostly does one or the other in a particular relationship. Even worse, another person that furthers the equivocation of sub roles as unfitting for "strong women." Tell me you're a misogynist without telling me. If I had a penny for every time I see people in fandom unwittingly acting misogynistic about sexual power dynamics, usually by attempting to be performatively progressive, I'd have millions of dollars.

When things don't fit in a neat little box for them, it's suddenly this massive problem.

It would be funny if it wasn't so prevalent. Truly one of the most baffling and bizarre constants in fandom.

Is this vagueposting? Yeah, probably, but I don't care about callouts when I see vagueposts that are almost certainly about me on my own goddamned feed lmao.

[ceilidho]

This is in no way of hating but i want to know why do you enjoy writing noncon/rape? When I first downloaded tumblr which was couple of months ago i was surprised by the amount of noncon fics here. I eventually came to enjoy them which makes me question myself. Whenever i read a noncon fic and enjoy it i feel like im betraying women who actually went through those traumatic events. Plus I actually don't really like dark romance books? I love cod dead dove and that is mainly because i really love the characters and the authors are so talented. I rambled so much and i hope you don't get this in the wrong way i don't mean to hate AT ALL i love the stuff you write. Maybe i shouldn't think too much and let myself enjoy what im reading lol

first of all, no worries! i wasn't sure about your tone/intentions at first, but by the end i was totally fine with the question.

i actually don't mind talking about this stuff - i just sometimes avoid it on main because i prefer chatting about it privately.

second, i'm no psychologist or sociologist, so i probably won't be able to give you the most satisfactory answer, but i think there are a lot of different reasons. i can only name a few. one thing i should mention right off the bat is that rape fantasies are very normal (and this is true whether you're a survivor of SA or not) and writing/reading fiction can be a safe way to process those thoughts/feelings.

one of prevailing reasons is, of course, that many survivors of SA use noncon/dubcon literature/art as a way of processing their experiences and taking ownership of their trauma.

and look, people are going to go back and forth on this point (i've seen it all before - many people refuse to believe that engaging with noncon lit/art is helpful, and in fairness, it's NOT helpful for everyone because every person is different), but at the end of the day, if a survivor tells you "writing/reading this was helpful in my recovery" then that's that!

additionally, for many women and non-binary folk (i can only speak as a cis woman, but i'm sure this is a shared lived experience across many different people), we're also taught from a very young age to suppress our sexual desires / that being open about our sexuality is morally reprehensible and shameful. and a lot of people carry that shame for years, impacting them well into adulthood. so dubcon/noncon fantasies can be a way of being able to enjoy sexual scenarios where you don't have to be the initiator, thus taking away some of the emotional weight and shame.

plus, at the end of the day (and im sure many people will disagree with this take, it's something that i'm still figuring out myself), there is a kind of weird underlying consent implicit in dark fics. like, you might be reading a fic or novel that's ostensibly noncon, but you're also actively seeking out that literature (hopefully it's not just sprung on you - i do very much agree with tagging to the fullest extent and my lukewarm take is that I think all books, even traditionally published ones, should come with content/trigger warnings too).

there are a medley of reasons why someone might write or read dark fiction/dark romance. again, i'm just one person and i can only speak from my own experience!

i think at the end of the day, the important thing to realize is that fiction is fake, and as long as the writer appropriately tags their work and ensures that the audience is aware of what they're getting into when they start reading, they're not coercing the reader into something they aren't prepared for.

and it's totally fine if you have limits (like, you can read and enjoy dubcon, but not noncon) or can't engage with the material at all, but it's also unfair to say that it reflects someone's real life values - the same way that we don't say that the people who enjoy crime fiction must love murder.

and the last thing i want to say because this got a bit out of hand lol, is that, yes, for some people dark fiction is genuinely harmful, whether or not they're a survivor. it's not for everyone and that's completely fine and i'm aware of that, which is why i agree that you should tag as much as possible (even if you feel like you're overdoing it sometimes), but someone else's discomfort doesn't give them the right to tell you how to process your own emotions/experiences/desires/etc.

as long as no one's getting hurt, there's no issue as far as i'm concerned. and sorry but, no one's getting hurt by reading a fic or a novel unless the author didn't give proper content warnings - if you "forgot" to read the tags or read anyway DESPITE being warned, im sorry but that's life.

[muffinrecord]

Current Plans + Musings

I don't plan on playing Exedra to the degree I did for Magia Record, or playing it at all. Because of that, I won't be taking an active role in the community and archiving anything for it. Of course, if Exedra has like amazing gameplay and stories then this is all subject to change, but for now I think I'm done with phone games.

The two youtube channels will stay up and I'll check em periodically to make sure there aren't copyright strikes against the content. I've saved all my raw files, especially for the battle animations, so I can remake them in the future if the music ever becomes a problem for some reason.

Google Drive will stay up until Google rots away. I haven't recorded footage in a long time (as in stories, I do for the character doppels and such), but I'll upload things if they're sent to me.

Magia Union Translations still plans on translating things and making videos, especially leading up to the end, but also for after the game is over for whatever wasn't made in time. I'm not sure what form this will take in the future-- if it'll be manual captions added to the videos or not, but I know it WILL happen.

As for this blog, I'm not going to delete it or anything. However I'm going to be taking a step back. I'd like to say that I'll do liveblogs but I mean... *gestures at blog* I've been saying that for years and the only one I really did successfully was the Oriko one lmao. Ahhh oh well.

I'll have more words later, but it was really fun to be part of a fandom experience like this. I'm excited to work on my own original story projects though and quiet down a bit.

...

When I started this blog, I never expected it to have people actually read it. Or look at it. I just wanted a place to gush about how much fun I was having. I didn't even want to tag the posts with "Magia Record" at first because I was terrified people would be mean at me, haha.

But I'm glad I did. I made so many good friends through this game. I'm glad it existed. And it made me happy to have a place where people cared about what I had to say. Some folks actually got their news from here, can you imagine that? They had notifications turned on for this blog. My god.

Anyways, I'm going to be here for the next two months, and tomorrow I'll start reblogging fan projects and initiatives, plus general news. Maybe this blog will turn into a dumping site for art and fanfic reblogs, who knows. I might watch the remaining stuff and add various thoughts here and there.

Otherwise, you can find me on my main blog @malignmuffin, which only reblogs stuff (I don't talk much if at all there). I have another tumblr blog for my comic, but I think I'll reshare the name once I actually have content you can look at on it. It's pretty bare bones for the moment.

Actually it'll be funny if the end of this game is what makes me finally work on it again. I was in the process of working on it when NA came out, and it totally derailed me. Stopped writing, drawing, just focused on this silly little phone game. Now it's like those five years have gone by and I'm going back to where I started, except I think my lil comic is going to be a bit better than it was before. If I actually make it, that is.

If I ever do actually make my comic and start posting it, I'll be sure to update y'all here. hah

Anyways, thanks for being on this wild ride with me. The memories have been great, and I'm glad I had this experience, even if it had to end.

[semiweirdshipper]

Harassment warning for my viewers.

So, ever since I started writing for Deadpool, I've been getting hate comments on my bad guy stories. This has happened before when I wrote for Transformers and then started writing for slashers. People from that fandom would say I was mentally ill, that I needed God, that I needed to stick to one fandom and that no one wanted to see all the dumb shit I post- blah, blah, blah. It's the entire reason why I created the SERIES, so that folks could follow the series and only get updates about their favorite fandom.

But my Deadpool viewers aren't following the series. They're following me. I've gotten a huge uproar in account followers that I DON'T WANT. And now some of those viewers have begun targeting my slasher stories.

Look, I don't care about the Deadpool viewers, ok. All I care about is you guys. And the reason why I'm telling you this is because, in the past, my bad guy viewers have been harassed before by other hateful viewers from different fandoms I wrote for. I don't care if I get harassed, but if it's you guys? That's when I draw the line.

I went through all my bad guy stories and made it to where only registered viewers can comment. I can't believe that I have to do this. And I can't believe I'm being made fun of for writing for characters who are less crazy and psychotic than Deadpool, lol. The only reason why I'm writing DP is because it's fun and it makes me happy, but those viewers aren't my friends. YOU GUYS are my friends.

I'm worried about what's going to happen when I update Exit Gate. And I apologize in advance for any drama. I don't want this. I just wanna be able to write what I want to write and not be judged. And I'd like to thank all of you for not ever judging me. There are many reasons why ya'll are my number one.

[exhaslo]

HOLY MURKROW YOU ANSWERED MY ASK!!! SQUEEE!!!! Ahhh, that's so awesome! College is keeping me busy, so I haven't been able to talk much.

But, I had another idea, and since you write for Miguel and did so AWESOME 👍 with the last ask I rambled with.....

😅👉👈 I had an idea! (Hope you don't mind me rambling!)

So.... I had an idea about a witchy spider-person. Like, A spider-person who can use magic! It'd be so cool!

And since I'm addicted to making this big Tarantula man sleep, (because we know he doesn't sleep, don't deny it you know it's true) Miguel or Lyla, in a moment of weakness or (in Lyla's case, out of concern for Miguel) calls the magic spider-person into Miguel's office and while Miguel and our Spell-slinger (Such a cool name) banter and talk, eventually, one of them asks Spell-slinger to cast some sort of spell on Miguel to help him sleep.....

Man, he's out like a light. Super fluffy, super cute. That's all!

Thanks so much! Have a wonderful day! (Also, sorry if your requests aren't open, I didn't see anything about whether they were open or not. Take your time on this one if you want to write it, it'll be great, but don't push yourself friend!)

Aweeee this is a super cute idea!!! Thank you for reading and enjoying my previous stories!!! And thank you for your patience!!!

Warning: None, just Fluff

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"A bark of sandal wood!"

Poof

"A sprinkle of Kiwi seeds~"

Whoosh

"A dash of Jasmine petals!"

Foosh

"And a touch of hoping this works magic!"

Kaboom

"AND WE HAVE IT! Feast your eyes folks, for I, Spell-Slinger, New Myth-York's one and only Spider Witch, has created a new and powerful potion!"

You let out a roar of laughter as you spoke to yourself in your one bedroom apartment. Clearing your throat, you gave a small pout towards your pot since no one was there to witness your wonderful creation.

"Oh, what am I to expect? Tis a city out there of many witches and fiends, yet I be it the only Spider-Witch. How doust thou expect to find such moments amusing?"

"You're being dramatic again, (Y/N)" Lyla spoke as she appeared from your watch. You gave the AI a small pout as you approached your large cauldron,

"Oh, but I must. For you have given me such a....challenging task! Far more than the night of Hollow's Eve when my Goblin tried to ruin the yearly rituals for the Werewolves."

"Another reason why Miguel doesn't like sending people to your world for missions. Your mythical creatures and culture might spark the wrong kind of interest in others." Lyla explained before appearing before the bubbling pot, "Is it ready?"

"Yes. I must say, a sleeping potion is quite rare for us Witches to do anymore. Not with modern technology that is."

"Yes, but Miguel won't take over counter medicine. We needed something stronger."

"And me busting out the hundred year old spell book had to be it?"

Let's back track a little. You lived on Earth-54987. A Earth where everyone was a mythical creature or being of some sort. You were born as an average witch, with no outstanding abilities to separate you and your fellow kin.

That was until you were bit by a radioactive Spider that the Sphinx's were experimenting on. In your world, the Sphinx's the smartest of all races...and now because of their experiment...You were a hybrid like no other.

Your witch casting abilities had intensified and you also gained the abilities of a Spider. It was unique and nothing that anyone had seen before. You could either swing across the city or fly on your broom that you customized yourself.

You hadn't thought about being a Super Hero since it was difficult in your world, but things changed when the Black Market started to steal people's abilities and forms away.

You became the hero known as Spell-Slinger. Fighting villains whom wanted to cause havoc and chaos in your mythical world.

"Can you bottle this up into some sort of drink?" Lyla questioned. You smiled,

"I can do you one better."

Fixing your dress, you approached your cauldron and inhaled deeply.

"Summon thee, oh summon thou, of which minor contraption that can hold. Summon thee, oh summon thou, a tool of how to spray on one wist challenge thy be!"

As you chanted, the liquid in the pot had started to spin and float. Above the smoke an item started to form of its essence. A spray bottle was created from the smoke and the potion made its way inside the bottle with ease.

"Bravo." Lyla chirped. You held the spray bottle in your hand,

"This will be easier. Shall we go?"

---------

Miguel grunted lowly as he sat in his dark, gloomy office, working on some paperwork. It had been a while since he last caught some shut eye, but who could sleep when the fate of the Multiverse laid on his shoulders?

"Not to mention Alchemax is getting on my last nerves," Miguel grumbled out as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

Miguel had a bad habit of staying up for days on end. His motto was that the only way work will get done is if he did it. There weren't many people he trusted. Not many people could do the work he could anyway.

"Miguel, you need to rest. Your body is going to crash again at this rate." Lyla warned.

"I'm fine."

"No. You're not, but it's fine. I've enlisted help."

"Help-Lyla!"

Miguel hissed as he watched his AI disappear. Sometimes, he truly regretted allowing his AI to become self aware. Groaning at the thought of what Lyla was planning now, Miguel paused all of his work.

This wasn't the first time Lyla had 'enlisted help'. Honestly, at this rate everyone in the Spider Society knew about Miguel's horrible sleeping habits. They probably thought it was a game to see who could make him fall asleep first.

"Hm?"

Miguel's lazily stare focused on you as you came flying in on your Spider-like broom.

"I don't think your hocus pocus will help." Miguel spat. You gasped softly,

"That is actually an insult to me."

"Ah, my apologies then." Miguel muttered. You huffed in response, glancing towards your handsome boss,

"Lyla says you haven't been sleeping much. Need some help?"

"Thank you, but no thank you. I'm fine." Miguel muttered, glancing at your broom and costume, "Are you fitting in well here?" He asked out of concern. You smiled softly towards his concern,

"Aside from. 'Is the witch of the west your aunt?' kind of questions, I'm doing fine. Thanks for asking."

Miguel grunted in response as he observed you a bit longer. You were a special Spider that he found interesting. He liked how unique and quirky you were, but still stuck to your ideals.

"You can forget about Lyla's task. Sorry to have taken time out of your day."

"It's fine, but could you do me a little favor?"

"Hm?"

"Start pre-dreaming! It will help you sleep better." You cooed, getting close to his face. Miguel furrowed his brows,

"Pre-Dreaming?"

"Mhm, start thinking about what you want to dream about. Gets you looking forward to that sweet rest."

"Fine," Miguel smiled towards you, a rare gem one might say.

"May thy succumb to sweet dreams and blissful rest, oh tense one."

Miguel flinched as he felt his face engulf with a strange mist. Wanting to complain, his body slump as his eye lids dropped.

----------

Spraying your potion against Miguel's face, you hummed happily as Miguel instantly fell asleep. Yes, there was a little bit of guilt since Miguel rewarded you with a smile, but he needed to rest.

"Hehe, it worked~"

Catching the tall man with your broom, you carefully brought him to the softest spot you could find in his office. You casted a blanket and pillow out of air and smiled as Miguel snored. He looked so peaceful,

"Hm, I wonder what he is dreaming out?" You whispered. Lyla appeared and cheered you on,

"You should hide that potion somewhere in this office. That way I can get anyone to use it when he is tired."

"Ah, that would be too dangerous. Best this stays with me. Just summon me whenever Miguel needs to sleep."

"Fair enough."

As you flew off on your broom, you stopped in front of Miguel's door and webbed a sign up.

'Sleeping, Do not Disturb. Curtesy of (Y/N)'

Oh, you knew Miguel was going to chew you out later for it. But it brought a smile to your face. That, and you won the bet between everyone else who was trying to get Miguel to sleep.

This was a good day indeed!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope you enjoyed despite it being short! I liked getting creative with the Witch Spider, haha!

[crazyvaleska]

Listen To Me | Jerome Valeska x GN! Reader

summary: you are jerome's psychiatrist at arkham asylum and after years of treating him he opens up about his childhood trauma

genre: angst

word count: 8479 (it's a long one folks! so get comfortable and grab ur popcorn & blanket! and tissues.)

warnings: cursing, self harm, mention of sexual assault & domestic abuse, mention of death & suicide, just a lot of angst in general. read at your own risk, you've been warned.

a/n: i started writing this back in august 2022 and finished it just now. been adding small paragraphs to this story every now&then. some paragraphs were written days apart while others were written weeks apart. i'm writing this bc i feel like there aren't many angsty stories with jerome. imo jerome isn't evil but broken. also having read his diary added up a lot to his character as it's pretty depressing. perhaps everyone has a different version of a certain character. here's my version of jerome.

also i got a tiny bit inspired by the harleen graphic novel and the joker movie for this !!

the playlist i was listening to while writing this: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5E2lk49zurRTAaHq3Nz7FQ?si=7TQxYHDsQ0ypPYkIvlLCpw&utm_source=copy-link

jerome's thoughts are written like this btw!

enjoy! (or don't.)

A huge amount of people would say it is impossible to become a psychiatrist at 18. That must mean they've never been to Gotham City. Here anything is possible. Therefore, you had just graduated medical highschool when you were offered a job at Arkham Asylum and you had no choice but to take it. You were aware of the risks of working in a place surrounded by criminally insane lunatics, but you didn't really have another option. You needed a job. Besides, taking risks never ever scared you. Though many viewed Arkham as a spooky place, to you it was interesting. Treating mentally unwell criminals was challenging because you liked helping people, no matter who they were.

What you didn't know was that one of the patients you would have to treat was none other than the infamous Jerome Valeska himself, probably one of the most demented and wicked being Gotham City had ever know.

Yet, you thought his character was rather fascinating. After all, you had known Jerome for years.

Jerome Valeska. How do you even begin to explain Jerome Valeska?

You first met him right after he killed his mother, the first time he was in prison. Before he died. Before he was an infamous murderer. And you had to admit, he did become more intimidating as years passed by.

There was nothing out of the ordinary about him at first, same old story about the son committing matricide. Though, he never told you the entire story. You noticed he was uncomfortable and you didn't want to push, everybody had their boundaries and you respected that.

If you had to describe in one word the way he was acting in his firsts therapy sessions, you would use the word "flirty". Sort of. A mix of charisma and inappropriate jokes.

He told you he didn't plan on killing anyone else, claiming that the murdering of his mother was something personal. For some reason, you chose to believe him. Until Theo Galavan happened. It was like the Jerome you once knew had completely vanished. He was the same and a different person at the same time. You almost felt sorry for him. But then again, you weren't supposed to get attached to your patients. Jerome was charming and all, but he probably didn't feel the same way you did. He was just a kid after all, and so were you. Both 18. The only difference was, you were trying to cure insanity while he was trying to spread it.

A few days later he died. Actually, was murdered. Poor thing, you thought. You wished you had more time to know him. You wished you could've helped him. You knew small parts about him but not his entire story.

You had hoped you would forget him as time flew by, but you didn't. His evil crackle never left your dreams. It was always there. You could hear it all the time, as if he was trying to reach you. It was torturing you. Yet pleasant at the same time. You missed him, truth be told. But you knew he was in a better place now. Or so you thought.

That was until he was resurrected. Being honest, you weren't exactly surprised. This was Gotham City, after all. Everything was possible in Gotham. The actual shock was seeing him faceless and unconscious. You wondered how much strength does one require in order to be able to staple their face without passing out. Jerome's pain tolerance was so high, it concerned you.

By the time the ginger maniac was sent back to the Asylum, his face had been attached back to its place. He was hideously scarred now, wearing a permanent disturbingly bright smile. Although, to you he looked fine. Somehow attractive. You weren't sure why. Maybe it was simply your questionable taste in men. At the same time, he was much more intimidating now, much more grown. And as a result to him dying by being stabbed in the throat, his voice had also changed. It sounded more threatening now.

"It's good to have you back, Jerome!" you said in his first therapy appointment of the year, a warm, kind smile on painted on your lips.

His reply came out natural, "Well, at least someone missed me." but his face was expressionless and emotionless, and his voice numb, as if he had lost his spark.

To most, he was simply just out of his mind, a low-life criminal, but you felt there was more than that. You desperately wanted to know what made him the way he was, what made him turn to a life of crime, because you knew no one was born evil, not even in a city like Gotham (though he wasn't born in Gotham) it was usually the environment that could cause one's insanity. And you could see it in his eyes: he wasn't born bad. He was shaped evil, but not born evil. But then again, anyone could go insane with just one bad day.

Jerome was very charismatic, he could get anyone do whatever he wanted. Nevertheless, he was an amazing liar, you couldn't ever tell when he was speaking the truth and when he wasn't. He didn't seem to care about the way others felt and showed lack of remorse, he was impulsive and manipulative, deceitful and reckless. He was extremely narcissistic and showed lack of empathy towards others, and you had diagnosed him with Psychopathy Cluster B Personality Disorders and Schizophrenia. The ginger was on different medications. Sometimes he didn't take them, other times he did and not only his, but others' as well . You had told him multiple times how that was no good for him, but he never listened.

The thing about Jerome was, you never knew what he would be like in your therapy sessions. Sometimes you felt like you knew Jerome, but did you really? Oftentimes his behavior was passive aggressive, other times he would crack up jokes and you actually enjoyed his company, getting lost into his mesmerizing hazel eyes, as if you two were actually friends. Most of the times he just stayed quiet though, especially if you mentioned his family. Sure, he had no problem talking about killing innocents but once you switched the subject to the murdering of his mom, for example, he would tilt his head and pretend he didn't hear you or just say the same old story about her being mean, but you suspected it wasn't just that, you could see it in his eyes that part of him was still... hurt? His eyes spoke volumes. Although he always tried to hide it by pretending to be a God, deep down he hated himself. But of course he didn't want anyone else to know that, he didn't want to be seen as weak. Not anymore. He knew better than that. You noticed this thing about Jerome, he tried to act unbothered all the time but he always did this head tilting thing whenever he felt uncomfortable. Sure, Jerome was always surrounded by people, mostly his followers, but being around people doesn't mean you actually trust them. And you couldn't blame him for having trust issues considering he was stabbed to death by the only person he ever trusted. You could only imagine the feeling of betrayal he felt. That must have been traumatizing, but he had never ever addressed it.

One rainy Thursday the young Valeska told you he was upset because there wasn't any pudding left at the cafeteria. So the following day, Friday, you came up with an idea that could get you killed, but it was worth a try.

It was getting dark, your shift was over and you were supposed to go home. But instead of heading towards the Asylum's exit you found yourself walking towards its core, towards one certain inmate's cell, inmate E-146's cell: Jerome's cell. You would be lying if you said you weren't nervous, because you were. You didn't have anything to defend yourself on you. If anything, you were aware you were walking towards something that could be mean your sudden death.

You did have to pay bribe to the prison wardens that guarded his cell. They warned you about the homicidal redhead, but you liked to believe you weren't scared of him. To you, Jerome wasn't scary-looking. What really scared you was his mind. You had read his criminal record thus you knew what he was capable of. Even though you tried to tell yourself he won't hurt you, truth was you had no idea what he'd do or say, he was unpredictable.

First time you stepped foot in his cell was an experience you weren't going to forget anytime soon. The room was smaller than you though it would be. Not that you were expecting any kind of luxury. But this was worse than anything you had ever imagined. The first thing you noticed was the extremely low temperature, it was bone-chilling. No wonder why Jerome sounded sick all the time. Four gray walls and a dark ceiling that looked like it could collapse over you at any given moment. A bed for one person that was placed next to a prison porthole and near it a small, cheap table with an old chair in front of it. The smell wasn't very welcoming either, you thought rats were the only thing missing from the picture.

Jerome didn't notice you initially, he was busy writing in something that appeared to be a notebook. You cleared your throat loudly, which made him jump. You caught him off guard, quite literally. He looked equally shocked and confused to see you.

"Whatcha doing here, doc?" the redhead asked as he sat up. He placed the pencil down and closed his book, then took small steps closer to you. Only now that you were both standing up at the same time you noticed how tall he actually was. In the therapy room, his arms were always folded together in a shinny white straightjacket that prevented him from harming the doctor before him. You had actually never seen Jerome with his arms free so close to you before. He was wearing his stripped prison uniform instead of that tight straightjacket and you could tell he was way more muscular than you thought, his hands were enormous, he could knock you out in a second. His looks should've alarmed you but for some reason they didn't. Actually, you were happy to see his body looked healthy. Everybody said he looked like a nightmare, but to you he was the opposite. You shook your head quickly trying not to think of that or anything potentially inappropriate.

You hitched your breath nervously as you took a few steps back. "I told you already, you can call me Y/N... Uh, yesterday you said there wasn't any pudding left for you so I thought I would...um ... I... well," you stuttered while searching for something in your bag. The man raised an eyebrow but stayed silent. You reached your hand out, holding a bowl of chocolate pudding, "I-I... I made it myself! And I paid the guards to leave..." you said in a low murmur.

The unsurety in your voice didn't go unnoticed and it made Jerome grin. He walked even closer to you and crossed his arms while nodding, "That's so brave of you, Y/N! But you do realize I could poke your eyeballs out and squash you like a bug right about.... now!" he hissed. The next thing you felt was your chin being lifted up by his gloved hand, holding it in a tight grip, forcing you to face him. You avoided looking directly into his eyes so you just stared at his hand. Unfortunately for you, that seemed to bother him, "My eyes are up here," he used his free hand to point at his eyes.

The fabric of his white glove was soft but his touch was aggressive and harsh, the clutch on your chin was hard, "... I just... I just came here to give you this, nothing more." At first, Jerome was very sceptical, not believing any of it. He even thought the pudding was poisoned and insisted on you having a try before he did. The rest was history.

That happened approximately one year prior. You had spent the last 12 months seeing Jerome 2 times a week: one time during his therapy appointments every Thursday, the other time every Friday night, when most of the Asylum's staff had gone home. You had stolen they keys to his prison cell and no one knew about your late at night meetings with the clown prince.

The first times everything was pretty awkward, Jerome used to search your bag and pockets for any sharp objects that you could potentially use against him. But with time he stopped doing that. Approximately after 6 months.

You mostly brought him food, especially sweets, Jerome loved candies but he wasn't allowed to eat those in prison. Sometimes you even played cards with him and he would win every game, the boy knew how to play the jokers, that's certain. He did make inappropriate jokes from time to time, but nothing that made you too uncomfortable. He never touched you or anything like that. Everything stayed platonic.

One time you attached a colorful self-made bracelet to his wrist. You had a similar one on yours. Jerome pretend he didn't like it, telling you that friendship jewels were a waste, but truth be told, he liked it, he wore it all the time, he liked playing with it beads. Of course, he made sure it stayed hidden underneath his sleeve. He didn't want anyone else to see him like that. He had a reputation to uphold. Thus sometimes he would threaten your life in a playful manner just because he was Jerome Valeska.

You had also noticed the ginger was great at arts and crafts so you brought him crayons. Lots of them. The previous week you even brought him a scissors after he had begged you to for weeks. He promised he wasn't going to hurt other prisoners with it. He was using those to draw and decorate his diary. You knew he had a personal journal that he had never showed you. But you were cool with that. Though you wished he could open up to you, you didn't want to push, you wanted him to talk to you because he wanted to, not because he had to. All you knew was that you desperately wanted to help him get better. You didn't feel that way about other patients. Obviously, you wanted to help them too, but with Jerome it was different. Not that you would ever admit it out loud, but you had grown some sort of crush on the maniac. You knew how wrong that was, but you couldn't help the way he made you feel everytime his eyes met yours or when he smiled at you. You came to the realization that Jerome wasn't half as bad unless he was surrounded by other loonies or by people he despised. He was quite chill aside from his maniacally laughter.

Although Jerome didn't own a watch, he simply knew what time you were supposed to show up. In fact, he had actually grown to like your little visits. At first he found all of this annoying and irritating, but with time he changed his mind. You weren't so bad after all. Actually, he was waiting impatiently each of your visits. You were nice to him. Not a lot of people were nice to him. Nobody, actually. Just you.

Therefore you being late one certain night didn't go unnoticed. Strange, Jerome thought at first. You had never been late before. Was this all? Did you spend all that time with him only to leave him like that? Did you replace him with another patient? Did you get bored of him? Did something bad happen to you, perhaps?

Jerome shook his head. He didn't like to picture you dead. Why was that? He loved everything about death and killing, blood and gore. Why did it bother him now? He promised himself he wouldn't get attached. No, no, Jerome Valeska didn't give a shit about anyone. He was heartless. A monster. Everybody said so, so then it must be true. So what if you died? Who cared? Not him, that's for sure. Yeah.

But then, why had he been walking circles in his small cell for minutes? Why was he breathing heavier and why did he have an awful gut feeling? And now how did he find himself in this position again? Sitting on his bed, facing the wall with teary eyes, clinching his fists anxiously and twiddling his trembling thumbs. There were drops of dark red blood on his already dirty mattress. Drops of blood between the beads of his bracelet. When did that happen? He could vividly remember when he started pressing the scissors down his wrist. It all happened so fast. He didn't even apply much pressure and yet he had managed to draw enough blood to cover his fingertips. How did he end up like this? Like a sobbing mess. Why did you do this to him? Why did you give him hope? He should've known better. Humans are deceitful beings. They lie and they never keep their promises. One day they love you, the next they don't need you anymore. So he really didn't learn anything from trusting Theo Galavan after all. He remembered it as clear as day. He thought he could finally be happy when Theo came along, gave him a proper bed and proper clothes. He was like the father he never had. But then his life flashed before his eyes as he dropped dead by the hand of the one man he thought was trustworthy.

Oh, dear ol' Jerome. Getting attached to the first person to treat him like a normal human being again. So all those times you took care of him were all on act. Of course. Why was he so stupid? Stupid enough to think anyone would ever care about him. Of course it was all a lie. He hated you. This was pathetic. Everyone was pathetic. Crying was pathetic. Crying was for the weak. Jerome wasn't weak. Not anymore. But what if, perhaps, you weren't even real? What if he had been imagining you the whole time? After all, it was all too good to be true. But maybe that's just the way life is: it hits you harder than a train truck, then you feel good for a while because you start doing things that distract you from how you truly feel, killings in his case. But then you realize you weren't ever really happy, just delusional and that makes you depressed again. It's like a never ending loop.

The boy shivered at his own thoughts. So many questions at the same time. His mind was suffocating him. But he liked it, didn't he? Or maybe did he just trick himself into thinking he liked it? He liked being sick, right? Who was he without his sickness? Pills. He needed more pills. The pills were never enough. If only he had enough pills to...

His train of thoughts was interrupted by the very familiar sound of his creaky door being unlocked then opened. Jerome knew this could mean one thing. He quickly wiped his teary eyes with his knuckles then clothed his fingers with his gloves. He cleared his throat, "Where were you?" he asked, his voice harsher than ever. He didn't want you to see him vulnerable. He tried to hide it. He didn't want to admit not even to himself he was somewhat worried. But, in fact, he had grown very fond of you. He wasn't sure why, he wasn't sure what he felt towards you. There's a very thin line between love and obsession. All in all, part of him was relieved once he heard your voice.

"I'm sorry, Jerome. I had some things to take care of. Things that involve you, actually," you closed the door behind you and took a few steps forward.

The last sentence got Jerome's attention so naturally he turned his head around to look at you. His stare was so intense it seemed like he was staring directly into your soul. His hazel eyes were so beautiful yet so terrifying, you couldn't stare at them for too long. The dark circles under his eyes were darker than ever and you wondered if he ever slept. It was your job to help him get better but it seemed that he was getting worse everyday, like he was losing himself therefore you were failing. But you had to pull him out of his misery. You had to.

"You threatened Oswald Cobblepot," Jerome couldn't help but snicker proudly at your remark before you could continue your sentence "And you also took his medicine. How many times have I told you that taking meds you don't need only makes things worse?" you paused but the boy didn't reply. He knew it was bad, he just couldn't help himself. You sighed "They want to change your therapist, Jerome. They don't think I'm doing a good job with you."

Jerome's face dropped, "As in you'll be replaced?" he asked and you nodded. No, this wasn't possible. You were lying, you had to be. First you're late, now this. The redhead jumped out of his bed and walked up to you, "You're lying."

"Jerome-" you started but he didn't let you finish.

"Don't you dare to Jerome me. You're an hour late and now you're telling me you wanna get rid of me?" his tone went from numb to mad in a matter of seconds.

"I'm so sorry for the waiting, I'll try my best to keep you. I promise! Cross my heart and hope to die."

That only made Jerome crackle in an ironic manner "Oh please, Y/N. Don't make promises you know you can't keep. Empty promises. You're growing tired of me. It's funny, actually. I think this may be just my luck! Jeremiah promised he wouldn't leave too, but he did anyhow. And now you."

"Who's Jeremiah? I don't know what you're talking abo..." you felt like you couldn't breathe as panick took control over your body, "...why is there blood on your gloves?"

Shit, Jerome thought. "It's paint," he smiled but you knew he was lying the moment he tried to change the subject "Jeremiah's an old acquaintance, if you will."

"I never brought you paint..." you murmured. Then you remembered what you did bring him. The scissors. "You promised you won't hurt anyone with it..." you whispered.

Jerome shrugged, "I promised I wouldn't other inmates. I never promised I wouldn't hurt... myself...!"

Your eyes opened widely at the sudden realization. You covered your mouth with your fingers and your heart was beating impossibly fast while tears were filling your eyes. It was only now that you noticed his slightly puffy eyes too, "I'm so sorry... Jerome... oh God..." you muttered. He didn't look at you until he felt your hand on his.

Jerome hesitated to speak at first, "Oh, y'know... the scissors just slipped. I'm fine, really. No need to worry about me. If anything, I like bleeding out."

You knew that wasn't true. "I'm gonna get the doctor... we need to get it patched up."

"Then they'll know you're here."

"I don't care. I'll probably lose my job anyway. You hurt yourself, Jerome. You could get an infection. Fuck, I was supposed to help you get better but I didn't do shit! Now you're bleeding and it's all because of me-" you were cut off by Jerome's gloved hand covering your mouth.

"Shh. I'm fine, Y/N. It's not that serious. It's just... I don't feel safe when my scars are healed. I need to bleed to calm myself. It's like a part of me. It's my biggest comfort."

You tried to mumble something underneath his hand which made him frown, "I don't need your pity, Y/N. You're trying to weaken me, it won't work," he moved his hand, giving you the chance to speak.

"Please, Jerome. I care about you! I won't let you hurt yourself any longer!" you cried out. It was true. You would've done anything for him and it hurt you knowing he was harming himself. He thought he had it all under control but clearly he didn't. You were scared of what he could do to himself next. You couldn't just watch him destroying himself knowing you could've helped him.

Jerome shook his head repeatedly and covered his ears with his plams while circling around the room, mumbling things to himself. Eventually, his voice got louder and louder, "NO NO NO NO NO! No, you don't, stop saying that! Cut the bullshit, Y/N! You don't care about me, no one does! Jerome has no one, Jerome's all alone! It's how it's always been. It's how it's always gonna be. What the fuck do you want from me? Look at me! I have wanted to die for as long as I can remember. And guess what? When I finally did some jerks thought it'd be funny to bring me back to this shitty life! You think you understand me, but you don't! You can't save me, you can't fix me! What have you done to me? You cracked me! Just leave me alone! Leave me alone! LEAVE. ME. ALONE!!!" he yelled as he shed a single tear.

His face turned red from all the rage and you could swear he was gonna kill you at that very moment, but he didn't. Instead, his body collapsed on the ground. He was hugging his knees while staring at the floor, with his back pressed against the cold wall. You had no clue what just happened but he looked defenseless, practically harmless right now. You knew this was risky, but you kneeled next to him then reached out your hand and caressed his shoulders which caused him to look at you. You didn't see a psychopath in his eyes anymore, just a frightened child. That wasn't the ginger maniac everybody feared. That was a poor boy stuck in his traumatic past.

"Let it out, Jerome. This is why I came here, so we could talk like 2 human beings. Help me understand you. I know I can't take your pain away, but you can talk to me," you whispered.

"I'm not a human being. I'm a monster, can't you see? Everybody fears me. I'm the monster parents tell their children about," he muttered quietly. Usually he said that proudly, but now it sounded as if he was ashamed, which was very out of character. What he felt at that very moment was confusion.

"You're not a monster, Jerome. I have this feeling that... you're misunderstood, like no one ever listened to what you had to say. I am here to listen and I promise I won't laugh or judge. But if you hold everything inside you it's only gonna get worse... Let it all out, please." you spoke in a soft murmur.

"I don't even know.... what I am supposed to say," Jerome sobbed.

"Anything that comes to mind, that upsets you, that you wanna get off your chest. What is that one thought that won't let you get rest at night? The things you always wanted to say but nobody ever listened to. The things you always tried to forget because it all hurt too much. I can see the depth and complicity of your character, Jerome. You're not evil. Your past is haunting you, isn't it? I can see it in your face, it was rough. So please, I just want to help you. And I won't tell anyone, you have my word."

The ginger glanced at you with furrowed brows, trying to keep track of his thoughts. He felt something he hadn't felt in a very, very long time. He felt helpless and he didn't know why. He didn't know why he suddenly no longer felt in control. Was it because you were the first person to actually look at his wounds concerned instead of laughing? Because you were willing to actually listen to what he had to say? No one had ever told him that before. Except for you. But he couldn't bring himself to entirely believe anyone could actually care about him. His chest was hurting and his heart was aching. He was tired of hiding.

"... okay, I'll tell you everything," he nodded his head eventually, "but I'll never tell this story again so you better be all ears."

You nodded while caressing his once-so-soft-cheek slowly. Initially he shuddered, then he closed his eyes and leaned in your touch, giving you permission to carry on. Tracing your fingers on his cold pale skin made you feel his every scar, but his scars didn't scare you, they never did. You could tell he wasn't used to this kind of stuff. He wasn't used to people treating him like a normal human being. He wasn't used to being touched unless the touch was meant to harm him. He hadn't even started talking but you just knew something terrible was about to come out of his mouth.

The man took a deep breath. He knew that once he started speaking he wouldn't be able to stop. He had been holding all in for so long, it all came out like word vomit.

"Jeremiah is my twin brother. He was always mother's favorite. Mother. Can I even call her that? No, she was never my mom. Lila Valeska never loved me. She never treated me like her son, not even when I was a baby. She had only one son and that was Jeremiah. I was just... there. Like a nephew she had to take care of or something. But not a son, no. She always said I ruined her life. Yeah, like it's my fault she had unprotected sex. But I could never understand why she praised Jeremiah all the time. What was so special about him? What was he doing so much better than me to get that kind of appreciation from mama when we were just 5 years old? I can only remember he was into maths and puzzles and that kind of shits from a young age. He pissed the hell out of me. But I didn't hate him. I mean, at the end of the day he was still my brother. And sometimes he would hold me while that whore was busy banging clowns the next room, assuring me that everything would be alright and that mother didn't actually hate me, promising me that one day we'll get out of the circus and live our best lives. What a dirty little liar...! And to think I actually used to believe his empty promises... Until he turned his back on me."

Jerome paused. His eyes were now filled with anger, you could tell he didn't like his brother much. Then he continued.

"It happened once we turned 7. Lila had hit me multiple times and I don't even remember what was the reason, but then again, it's not like she ever needed a reason to hurt me. Before this it was usually just slaps, but this time it was a proper beating. The sadness mixed with anger I felt at the time were too much to handle for a little boy. I had to somehow let it out, y'know? So... I started mutilating small animals. Soon I grew an interest in murdering them. And it felt... therapeutic. I know I should feel ashamed of this, but I don't. I never did. Hell, I even pretended they were her because I knew I wasn't strong enough to actually hurt her back. How fucked up I must've been to behave this way at 7, right? But things got complicated when Jeremiah found out. He said," Jerome talked in two different thin voices the next parts:

"... ' I understand your anger, 'Romie! I think it's quite interesting, really! '

I actually believed him and replied happily ' You think so, 'Miah? But please don't tell 'ma, she'll get really mad at me! My cheek still hurts from the last slap she gave me! '

' I would never! She hits me too sometimes, you know. But I don't know why she's so mean to you all the time! '..."

Jerome cleared his throat and went back to his usual tone "Well, he kept his promise, kinda. He didn't tell our mother but he told uncle Zach ―and let me tell you this― he was the WORST. Such cruelness in one man. He used to cook food for the other circus members, but he was an ex prisoner, spent years in jail for robbery and rape. Yeah, that's my fucked up uncle. He was a cook and yet I was always left to starve. Mind you but I used to be underweight 'cause of that.

Anyway ...! Dear ol' Zach thought I had gone psychopathic when little 'Miah showed him the dead animals' corpses, so he made sure he worked me over. And, of course, Lila made sure of that as well. And as if those injuries weren't enough, Jeremiah saw this as a perfect opportunity to leave the circus. He started spreading rumors about me kickin' and punching him, feeding my mom and uncle with funny stories about me threatening his life, when the truth is I never touched a hair of his. For him, those were the stories that were gonna get him out of that damned place we so called home. For me, those were the stories that were gonna ruin my life. Even though I tried to defend myself they never believed me, because after all I was the animal abuser while he was the perfect innocent son, with his little nerdy hamster glasses and fancy books and puzzles. And let's just say, it didn't end well for me when he would randomly bring up something that didn't even happen. He had totally brainwashed them and I was lucky if I could get away with just a slap or two. But they didn't abuse me just physically... verbally as well. The amount of times I heard them planning my murdering were countless. And maybe they should have done it. Maybe they should have murdered me. Instead, they used to remind me every single day that I was such a heartless psycho monster who's gonna cause nothing but disaster. Well, I guess they weren't exactly wrong with that one. I mean, just look at me now..." he narrowed his eyes.

"Nobody ever stood up for me. Nobody cared. Nobody. They always managed to cover it all up, they always told me to smile once they were done. I was known as Haly's Circus little sociopath. And Jeremiah? They'd always make sure he was treated right, that he got the best stuff, while I could be freezing at night and they wouldn't even notice.

On our 9th birthday our uncle decided to take Jeremiah to the city away from me so he could celebrate his birthday properly and left me with my mom and her partner at the time. The got drunk and had sex all day, not caring that I was in the same room, beating the shit out of me afterwards. And when I had finally managed to get out of that hell of a trailer, my father ―I didn't know he was my father back then, but he knew I was his son― didn't even try to comfort me, he simply told me to suck it up because nobody cared. And he was right. This world indeed doesn't care about me or anyone else. But for a child? Damn, that hurt. And I suppose it's even sadder now knowing he was my dad...

Moving on, by the time we were almost 10 his lies got worse and worse, and so were the beatings. According to him I had tried to poison him and to light his bed on fire. One time he injured his knee when he fell on the ground, but later lied about me pushing him down the stairs. But the last straw was when he lied about me holding a cake knife to his throat on our 10th birthday. My uncle almost broke my ribs for that and my mom repeatedly kicked my stomach with her legs. Honestly, I can't really remember that day. All I know is that they decided it would be the best if uncle Zach took Jeremiah away while I was asleep. And I'm not gonna lie, I was pleased when I saw they both left, but little did I know that it was only gonna get worse for me.

Haly's Circus is a nightmare dressed like a daydream. A lot of fucked up things happened there. I hated that place. And with Jeremiah gone, she started drinking more and more, and got more aggressive. She got pissed at every little thing I did and made sure I received punishment. Did I forget to do that dishes? She'd kick me. Forgot to take out the trash? She'd slap me across the face. Didn't feed her snake? She'd punch me. Was breathing too heavily for her liking or my existence simply bothered her? She'd beat me till my vision was blurry or till I coughed in my own blood. I did try to get help from the cops, but guess what! They didn't give 2 shits! Ya see, the system is so corrupt they don't care unless someone's been murdered. They made fun of me and I understood no one could ever save me, I was the only one that could free myself from the pain."

You stood quiet when Jerome removed his gloves. You hadn't seen his hands unclothed in a very, very long time. Last time you saw his bare fingers was before he died. His veins were more noticeable now, among with multiple half healed blueish bruises he had probably given himself. Seeing Jerome without his gloves felt like him breaking a wall between the two of you. Like he trusted you. Like he trusted you enough for you to see him at his lowest. He needed to trust you enough to tell you everything. The scarred man was silent for a brief moment, trying to find the right words to describe the next part of his story that made you feel like throwing up.

"On my 14th birthday one of Lila's hookers...how do I say this... one of her hookers touched me, Y/N. Like, parts he shouldn't have touched... And... she was there, watching. She didn't do anything to stop him, she didn't even try. I was crying and screaming and begging her to make him stop. She just laughed. Her awful witch-like laugh followed by her favorite line: ' shut up! boys don't cry! '. And afterwards she just left with him for the night and before that she told me to smile. Smile. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel my body. The only thing I could feel were his hands all over my body... To put it into words, I felt worthless and helpless. Smile," Jerome smiled weakly through the tears as he repeated his mother's words, hugging his own body, "Smile. I was smiling that night. I was smiling when I tried to kill myself. It was all too much, I couldn't handle it. My life was a living Hell I started to believe Hell itself couldn't be that bad. So... I just took a bunch of her pills and I thought that was it, I thought I was finally gonna die. I smiled because I thought everything was finally going to end. Sadly, I survived. After taking the pills I dropped down to my knees and then... I don't know. I can't really remember anything except the fact I woke up with a terrible headache. Did she notice? Nope. Did those pills have had an effect on me? Absolutely.

I didn't have anyone to comfort me anymore. Not that Jeremiah was ever a great comfort, but it was better than nothing. I didn't have any friends, 'cause who would wanna befriend the freak who tried to murder his twin and massacred tons of pets? And if anyone tried to get close to me I would push them away. Literally. Push them. Because what was the point in denying my violent urges? Everybody thought I was the villain already anyway."

Jerome paused to blow his nose into a handkerchief you handed him. You were at loss of words. This was a lot to process and Jerome's voice was now shaky. It was painful to hear his life story, it was painful to look at him now, to stare at the helplessness in his eyes. Tough people always have the most heartbreaking pasts.

"I used to cry myself to sleep every night, but I barely managed to fall asleep knowing that she could strangulate me when her snake in my sleep, and I low-key hoped she would so my suffering could end already. But when I did manage to fall asleep I ended up getting a... What was that called? Oh yeah, sleep paralysis. She was the demon suffocating me. Even now... I can't ever properly fall asleep. I'm always half awake. Actually forget I said that... Stupid! stupid...." he cried while gripping on his ginger hairs, scratching his thin pale skin with his sharp nails.

"Jerome," you whispered and took his hands in yours, "it's not stupid. Your emotions are valid. Please, carry on."

The boy nodded and did as you said, "At some point I just stopped talking because my body was hurting so much. I started isolating myself from everything and everyone. Because you see, people like me, we're put in this world for one thing: to suffer. The only thing that made the pain go away for a while was the thought of torturing her, cutting her open and feeding her snake with her organs then bathing in a pool of her blood and maybe sending her bones to Jeremiah. All I know is that I was so sick and tired of her calling me names and spitting on my face, beating me up till I bled, abusing me, banging my head against the wall, ripping my hairs off, punching me with her cold fists, slapping and pinching my skin, throwing empty alcohol bottles at me and kicking my bones. And when she was done with beating me, she'd always call over one of her sex partners to have some fun. I was tired of having to hear her moans as she was getting railed the next room. But I knew better than disturbing her, because if I did she'd invite her lovers to beat me too... or worse. I just had to keep quiet because if I behaved she'd leave me alone for a day or two.

But in time I got used to it. The beatings and all. It didn't even hurt that much anymore. The psychical wounds healed eventually, but the emotionally ones were always there. She didn't even need to get physical, her words were enough to torture me, they were like poisson. Her words cut deeper than a knife. When she wasn't the one hurting me I was hurting myself. That's so messed up, I know. But what isn't messed up about me or my life? I just couldn't help it. I had grown addicted to watching myself bleed. It's like... that was my only comfort. My sadness, my pain... Bugs. There were bugs on my skin, crawling on it. One second they were there, the next they weren't. I had to peel some of my skin off just to make sure. But I liked it. I think. It looked pretty. Such a pretty shade of red...! I could've stared at it for hours. Don't know if I was high or if I just had lost touch with reality. Or maybe both.

I just wished she would just kill me already and be done with it, 'cause it was better to be dead than to be alive and suffering. I just wished that everything would go quiet once and for all. My mind was like a prison I could not escape. My mind was the darkest place. The negative thoughts, they were always there. The voices telling me to do horrible things to myself. People screaming. A thousand voices howling in my head all the time. Dead people. I saw dead people everywhere. I couldn't control it.

Nobody cared about me, so who would've noticed if one day I just disappeared from this world? If one day I just stopped breathing? Definitely not her. If anything, she'd beat my corpse. I mean, she didn't even notice my first attempt.

That's what I told myself as I tried to slash my veins. But then I heard it," his face suddenly lit up, "That voice. The voice. The only comfort I ever had was that voice in the back of my head. That voice that grew louder as the years passed by. That voice that was giving me hope saying ' your day will come, your revenge will come, you just have to be patient '. And I had done my waiting. All the suffering, all the abuse I was forced to endure were about the end. I wasn't gonna let her win. Little did that whore know her beatings gave me strength and a high pain tolerance. Suddenly, all the fear I ever felt towards her turned into hatred and anger. She was going to pay for everything she had ever made me go through. People call me insane but they don't know my insanity gave me strength to save myself from that Hell I used to call home.

So, by the time I was 16 I had already started planning her murdering. I started working out and made better meals for myself so I'd be sure I was stronger than she was. I wanted to no longer be skinny. I had also made the perfect plan to kill her and get away with it.

So on my 18th birthday, like a birthday gift for myself, if you will, I grabbed an axe and chopped her off, hitting her repeatedly with it, digging it up and down into her skin. The first stab was the hardest one, but once I saw blood drawing out I just couldn't stop. I laughed as I did. Seeing her like that, lifeless and all covered in blood made me shiver in a good way. It was like feeling a brand new emotion. I was...happy? Entertained? I had finally given in that voice, I was finally free! That day I promised myself that I would come after my brother and uncle too, they also needed to pay for the way they'd treated me. And after that I'd be finally free to kill myself... I know how fucked up that sounds, but now that you know what they put me through, I hope you understand why I had to do it. There was no other way. One of us had to go. I killed her because she deserved it, self defense really. You get it, right? Tell me you get it, please."

You nodded while massaging his thumbs. His eyes were red and so were yours. You were both crying. Jerome couldn't believe he just told you all of that. He had never told anyone about any of that before. Did he say too much? Did you not want to be near him anymore?

"Jerome, I don't even know where to begin... you are such a strong person, really. You didn't deserve what happened to you. It wasn't your fault. You were just a child, none of this was your fault. No one ever treated you like a human being. No one ever gave you a chance. It's like you were forced to be evil, you didn't have a choice. They made you evil. They turned you into the villain. Of course you snapped eventually. I can't blame you. I would've done the same if I were in your shoes. No one ever gave you the chance to tell the full story. I wish I could take it away. All the pain, all the suffering... Oh, Jerome... I can't even begin to describe how bad I feel for you. Your heart has endured way too much at a way too young age. It's not you who is the monster. It's them. You had and have every right to kill them, I'll even help you. Jerome... I'm so proud of you for staying alive. Jerome, please remember that you matter. You matter to me. I see you, Jerome. I see you for who you are. Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? You are a very, very handsome boy."

"Even with the scars?"Jerome smiled, his eyes puffy from crying. Not a threatening or disturbing smile. A genuine smile that made you smile too.

"Absolutely. Your scars just show how strong you are. Your scars make you prettier. I myself ain't a strong person but... I won't let anyone hurt you anymore, you've been through enough. And I won't let you hurt yourself either. Because I care. And you can trust me with anything, Jerome. Let me be the one person that makes you feel like home. Please." you got lost in his gaze. Words weren't enough to express what you felt. So you just hugged him. A gentle, loving hug. Jerome wasn't a touchy person in general, but he gave in and hurled himself into your warm embrace. Soon he was holding you so close to him like he was never going to let you go. Then he cried more. And louder. He cried on your shoulder and you patted his back. This was all new to him, he was still confused by the way he was acting. But it just felt right. He felt safe at last. He wondered if you were an angel sent from Heaven to rescue him. You scooped him up in your arms. Yours arms were tight around him, his head on your chest. He needed this. He needed to feel okay. He needed feel loved and accepted. You held each other for so long you could feel each other's breathing, and you weren't going to let go of each other anytime soon.

"Thank you for listening."

[not-poignant]

Worldbuilding and Writing Fiction are two separate skills.

Someone reblogged one of my shitposts yesterday (the one about intimidating myself out of worldbuilding) expressing confusion in the tags about how anyone could be intimidated out of writing through worldbuilding too much.

This was kind of baffling to me, because I think I've seen it 50-60 times now, especially with new, ambitious writers who are starting off with deep fantasy or science fiction projects. When you talk to them, they've often sunk months or even years of worldbuilding into the project, but when you ask how far they've come on the fiction side of things, they usually have writer's block, haven't started writing the story, or say they're not ready yet. 'I'm starting soon' is a common refrain. 'I just have a little bit more left to do.'

The main reason for this - I feel - is that worldbuilding and writing are two different skills. Someone who spends 5 years worldbuilding has learned how to get really good at worldbuilding, but that doesn't mean anything about how good their writing will be. Many folks think worldbuilding will automatically make a story better, but sometimes worldbuilding can become unwieldy and stressful, especially in the case of a) entirely new worlds / secondary world fantasy, or b) complex worldbuilding. Definitely not talking about contemporary romance here, lol. (Though no shade to that, I've had a lot of fun worldbuilding for those stories too).

Going from worldbuilding to writing is launching into an entirely new space. If you find writing new stories easy, that won't be a problem for you, in fact you may not even have realised they're too different skills before now.

If you find writing new stories intimidating, sometimes having hundreds or thousands of things about your world to try and constantly remember can feel overwhelming and mess with the executive function needed to start a chapter.

In some cases, worldbuilding can make it much easier to start a story. But it really depends on what you're needing to do. If you're just writing a contemporary story where you need to research two characters and two jobs, you're generally going to be just fine.

If on the other hand, you have the equivalent of a 500 page Wiki behind-the-scenes, it can feel overwhelming very quickly.

New writers fall into this trap the most, I feel. They become accustomed to what worldbuilding feels like, and they hedge on writing the actual fiction, because they just have more experience worldbuilding and keep waiting for their confidence in worldbuilding to become 'confidence in starting the story.' It doesn't work that way. They're different skills.

They might even be better at worldbuilding than writing! But that just means - if they really want to be a writer - that writing is the skill they really need to work on the most. That can be a comfort zone issue too. It can also be a 'only about 5-10% of all this work will ever appear in the story' issue, where folks want to share the worldbuilding more than the characters or plot, and therefore are just not inspired to work on their story. It can be a 'I want this story to be as good as my worldbuilding' issue. It can be a 'I find the worldbuilding part easy' issue. There are lots of reasons people stall out in worldbuilding and then feel intimidated to write the actual story.

This can also happen with established writers who become aware that the more they know about their world, the more they don't know about their world. It can start to feel like - if you write 10 articles for yourself, you end up with 100 more to write. If you write those 100 articles, you have another 300 to write. Worldbuilding never ends. Worldbuilding can be endless, and if you're an immersive writer, you can get lost very easily in the details, or in not knowing what details are critical and what details aren't. (A hint here is that you'll figure that out really fast when you start writing).

Stalling in worldbuilding can be a lot of things, it can tell you that there's something broken in the world, something broken in the story, it can tell you more about your insecurities, it can tell you how good you are at one skill and where you might need practice in another. It's super informative!

But, generally speaking, the advice I tend to give to many new writers is to try not to let your worldbuilding period last too long. Ideally, put a timer on it and see how it feels to start writing your story once the timer has gone off (3 months, 6 months, 3 weeks, put it in your phone or in your calendar, and start the first chapter, or some random scene, once that time is up).

If, after that period of time lapses, you still aren't ready to start your story, something bigger might be going on. It's an opportunity to dig deeper into the situation. And sometimes just ask yourself if you're using the idea of a novel as an excuse to do what you love most: Worldbuilding. If that's the case, there are other jobs you can parlay a solid worldbuilding ability into. It doesn't have to lead to novels. :)

But yeah it's super super common for many writers to stall out between worldbuilding and writing, and to feel overwhelmed by their own worldbuilding.

New writers get affected by it the most based on observation and hanging around writing forums, and the advice that gets asked quite often specifically on 'when do I go from worldbuilding to writing the story,' but established writers experience it too, because as Gene Wolfe once said to Neil Gaiman: "You never learn how to write a novel, Neil. You just learn how to write the novel you are on."

[eerna]

Ok Ok so I've been thinking this for. quite a while like even before Stolen Heir was released. it's kind of controversial because I might be making mountain out of a molehill but -

I think Jurdan fans border on being disrespectful to Holly Black at times... the problem isn't what one chooses to focus on even though that annoys me too, like it's not like people can control the fact that they focus more/love a character more than the other. But I'm starting to see this especially on Instagram and Goodreads, and I think I have good reason to believe HB is more active on insta and Goodreads is like, the book reviewing site, if there's any place she may look for comments or critique it's that.

and my problem lies with the language used . HB can announce she's working on something and can give hints about it and I've seen soo many people just outright tell her "I don't care about [x] and [y] just give me JURDAN!!" or anything along that vein , there's also "I'm only reading this for Jurdan lol I kind of couldn't care less about []".

It genuinely annoys me a lot !! And I wish I could say to each their own but ykw? At some point it starts to feel like if these two characters aren't involved people don't even try to make an effort to connect with the other characters, the new protagonist, etc. To be honest your page was a breath of fresh air because I don't even see a lot of folks focus on ANYTHING in TFOTA other than this ship.

There's also the irony that so many people pride themselves on loving Jude, their morally grey female rage character, but refuse to discuss Taryn with nuance. Or Vivi, sometimes. It's weird how so many people love Madoc (justified, I like him too) then refuse to think that hey, maybe Taryn's way of coping with faerie is different than Jude and that affects her actions! something something fandom misogyny

The above unrelated paragraph is just to say that a Nicasia focused book is something many people just absolutely will not be able to handle lmao and I so dearly wish Jude and Cardan's 'screentime' is few and far in between just so that it's less palatable. But oh well.

(And after Prisoner's Throne it worries me because with the implication that the Nicasia focused book might have Jude and Cardan POVs I feel like she's catering more to these people now.

If that's how things turn out that would genuinely make me really sad because I didn't pick up her books after reading TCP, I started with Spiderwick Chronicles, then Modern Faerie Tales, and I love the way she creates atmosphere, her worldbuilding, her depiction of the weird and creepy and magical. I especially think that's her strongest suit, more than characterization, so something like this that hinges more on specific characters genuinely turns me off.)

AGREED SO MUCH WITH ALL OF ITTT I too noticed the really dumb people in her comments crapping on everything that isn't a new Jurdan book... Like, the woman was writing books and enjoyed fame 15 years before Jurdan happened. She obviously has a lot to say about her world. Why the hell would you want her to stop developing it and only focus on 2 characters??? I was a big Spiderwick fan as a kid, and when I read TFOTA I had no idea it was by the same writer but I could TELL the vibes were all there. I too think that is her specialty and I'd rather get 10 stories on different characters than 5 on Jurdan.

I want the Undersea book to be about Nicasia and part of it is because I agree, I think most of the fandom would HATE it and it would fry their brains, and I want to see it. It is dumb and petty of me, but it would be sweet vindication for all the clowns screaming into my ear that Taryn is problematic actually in case I didn't notice. Ultimately I know it is a fruitless endeavor. TFOTA has the misfortune of being too good and complicated for its main audience of tiktok book fans, but also too bad and simplified to spread into more general, unspecified fantasy circles where its themes could catch the attention of people who would know how to appreciate them. That means there is only a small portion of fans who both like the books AND have the critical thinking skills to appreciate all the things they do right outside of romance/basic female wish fulfilment.

In the end, judging by TPT, we are gonna have to take the L and accept we bet on the wrong horse and minority does not make the money. But at least we will be there together to make a mountain out of a molehill!

[sazzujazzu]

Hello, as the days count down and the Bad Batch finale draws closer, may I show to the fine folks of tumblr my first Star Wars OC in 20 years, created thanks to this show? 😃

Too bad, I'm showing them anyway 😊 somberly chilling while listening to their bestie talk.

Please excuse the poor background (I got lazy) and half-finished Tech (I got sad)

there's, uh, a big mess of words under the image because I wanted to put into words the importance this show has for me, and I am bad at doing so.

I want to get some thoughts off my chest, because I have no one in my day-to-day life who cares about the animated Star Wars shows, and especially the Bad Batch. (well, other than my mom, but I don't want to bore her with my rambling too much. she already banned star wars from me once, i won't let that happen again lol)

I can't stop thinking how much I don't want Bad Batch to end.

This show has been so dear to me. I can't remember the last time I've loved something this much.

Before the second season started, I had an artistic block that had lasted way too long. Anything I drew or wrote, mostly turned out a horrible mess after staring at a blank page for hours and hours, if I ever managed to create anything at all. For someone who tends to draw whenever their hands aren't otherwise busy (aka all the damn time), such a block weighed down on my mental health.

Well, then season two happened, and full-on gave me back my love for Star Wars, a love that had somewhat gone out over the last few years. Then, Plan 99 happened, and broke me because again my favorite character "died" (I'm in team Tech lives until I draw my last breath or until proven correct. That chocolate-eyed cutie-pie is alive nothing will convince me otherwise). Pretty much after finishing the episode and staring at a wall for another 30 minutes, I said "nope" and began writing.

I wrote for hours. I believe it's been well over a decade since I last wrote fanfiction, but here I was, creating a Star Wars oc, something I'd last done as a ten-year-old. And now, roughly a year later, I think I've written over a hundred pages of (very self-indulgent) fanfiction with the Batch, and with my oc that I've come to love.

And drawing, oh boy, have I been drawing!

(... Sure, I've mostly been drawing Tech, over and over again, to a point I once actually considered lying and saying "yeah that's my boyfriend haha!" to a man at my job last summer, when asked who it was that I was drawing for maybe fifth day in a row 😂 likely would've been a more acceptable excuse for someone my age. But, I mean... I just really love drawing him, not only because he is my favorite character of maybe all time, but because he is just so fun to draw! And most of all, at least I draw again!)

And it is all thanks to this wonderful show about a bunch of defective and effective copy-paste boys and their sister.

It's probably something many say, but I've always felt like a bit of an outsider. I've felt like I have no place; when I was a kid, my interests were very different from the other kids of [gender assigned at birth], and trying to play with them while inserting my own interests into the games, often didn't go so well. I was... kind of an odd child (although now, older and questionably wiser, knowing that I might actually be autistic, many things make more sense now. me kind of discovering this about myself is also partially thanks to Bad Batch)

Also, growing up trans/non-binary, while not even knowing what that is or having a word for it, didn't really do much to help with the feeling of "I'm different and an outsider because of it". Perhaps it was one more reason I fell in love with Clone Force 99, because I could see some of myself in them. Being different from the "regs".

I love this show, and these fictional people have become my family, and I am not ready to say goodbye to them.

Alright, weird pile of thoughts over. In case someone read all this, uh... thanks 😊

[theokusgallery]

What do you think about middle aged sunflower ????

Okay I'm going to pretend I'm normal and didn't just have a conversation about it yesterday within which I had to restrict myself because of Discord's stupid character limit

Anyway. Gonna talk about fanfics briefly, because fics tend to get more complex with characterization.

A while ago, I got really into Marvel, and for two months I did nearly nothing except read spideypool fanfic all day and night. If you know anything about these two (that isn't from the MCU) (I hate the MCU, I hate it so so much, this is not who Spidey fundamentally is, he is supposed to be a friendly neighborhood loner loser and you Cannot just give him an Iron Man suit and a mentorship with Stark and intergalactic missions at 16 or however old he is in those movies when the essence of the character is that he is an average struggling teenager who just happens to get superpowers and fucks up a lot at the beginning of his journey and mostly works alone and quit the fucking Avengers himself) (wow I started rambling sorry. Ignore that), you'll know that they are both around... 25-30ish, currently. Something like that. The only other fandom that I read as many fanfics of was Ace Attorney, where depending on the timeline, they can be from 23 to like, 35 with a kid. So I'd say me being so invested in a ship with 16 year-olds is... kind of an anomaly.

I don't usually like the coming-of-age, teenage love stuff, and I honestly have never found a single sunflower schoolfic I liked (except Spiral of course but even then they're in college) because all of them tend to... infantilize both Sunny and Basil at great length. And also tear down anything that makes them interesting characters. I think a lot of OMORI artists (that includes writers) are very afraid of doing anything substantial with teenagers, despite, you know, the actual plot of the game, and as a result, a lot of the time most fics where the characters aren't aged up tend to be... incredibly boring. Of course there are some that are good — exceptional even — but in the end all I can think of is the huge gap in... quality? that sounds wrong to say about a creative thing... interesting-ness, let's say (a very personal and subjective concept), when I stopped reading Marvel and went back to OMORI. I stopped reading fanfics altogether because I just couldn't find one I liked as much as the average Marvel fic that I hadn't already read.

Maybe it's a result of the writers themselves being young? I know OMORI's fanbase is generally a lot younger than Marvel's, so that could affect it. I mentioned schoolfics because there's a lot of them and because they were mentioned in my rant yesterday, but it's not really about the fact that they're schoolfics, it's about the fact that more often than not, the setting is the plot, and since it's just your average highschooler writing their favorite blorbos into their own environment and projecting (which is very cool btw, 99% of my own writing is projecting), the plot is... basically nonexistant. It's boring. It's boring and the characterization is usually dull. But even outside of schoolfics, I think I stopped trying to read fics that start with Sunny getting out of the hospital after the True Ending for the same reason : it's often plain and plotless and boring. And, fuck, my favorite books and mangas and such are slice of life, I'm all for mundane plots! But there's a difference between a mundane plot/realism and just no plot at all.

(This is not, like, an attack of OMORI writers who make schoolfics or fics that start with the above mentioned premise, btw, I want to make that very clear. It's very much a personal preference. I think it's boring because all of the fics I read in Marvel had a very unique plot/premise is my point. And also because the characters were a lot more mature and complex. Different strokes for different folks)

I think that's what I'm kind of sad about. OMORI characters tend to be complex and morally grey in their own way, and people tend to forget about that because they're teenagers and obviously no one can do no wrong before the ripe age of 18. Children are all innocent and therefore cannot be more morally complex than cinnamon roll soft boys/girls (looking pointedly at Sunny, Aubrey and Basil. But mostly Basil). Also, I think people tend to straight-up forget that 16 year-olds aren't, like, 10? Of course they're not going to be as mature as grown adults, especially Sunny OMORI, Dissociative Amnesia World Champion, but like... When I was 16 reading OMORI fanfics, half the time I was like "a 16 year-old would not fucking say that". But also generally more mature characters are inevitably more interesting to explore to me because I prefer more mature themes — I'm simply extremely upset at the fact that people don't explore the complexity that's already there when they're 16, including the very mature themes that are already there.

TL;DR: I love middle aged sunflower, I love middle aged ships in general ! In fact, I will tend to prefer sunflower when it's aged up.

(... I probably should've led with that.)

[anawkwardlady]

Hiiii, this is the anon from 2 weeks ago who said trans girl tohya would fix so many issues in umineko but couldn't talk about it because my wrist hurt turn out my wrist hurting was going to last a lot longer than expected, but it's better now :3, so :

There are a few issues that I have with umineko: 1)Ikuko and Tohya are not properly utilised - ikuko is a mouthpiece for the author and tohya's characterisation is hard to parse- the only reason I'm so attached to them as a duo is due to the fic 'Coracle' by Ncfan 2)The exploration of class a bit poor- sure we see how Kanon and Shannon suffer but in their happy alternate timeline, where Lion exists, the issue is not framed as one of class divide and wealth, but rather the family's lack fo acceptance of Sayo (which is also a problem but it wouldn't have fixed everything if they did accept her). TLDR Berkastel was right actually, the existence of the ushiromia family is inherently evil, as it is a microcosm of class oppression 3)there was an opportunity for an exploration of queer community, and finding acceptance outside of family had Tohya been made a trans girl due to Tohya being so separate from the family - I understand why that opportunity wasn't taken, Rhykishi is a cishet guy who probably didn't know much about queerness at the time of writing, and I'm glad that Ciconia is doing what umineko didn't, but I'm still mildly disappointed on that front 4) the wedding in episode 6- no I will not elaborate (lie)

I do have a couple more issues of course, but those aren't relevant rn, why? Because these three (four) problems I believe could be fixed with the inclusion of trans girl tohya How? Combine Ikuko and Tohya into one character (not in the sayo way, but in a 'sometimes you have to kill your darlings" writing advice way) and make this new character poor. Let me explain or rather, let me paint you a picture

You, Ange, sit in the living room of the author you have been looking for. It's small, you note, not a sprawling study filled with books like you imagined, and all the decor is rather cheap. The woman in front of you claims to be 30, but she looks older, you notice white roots at the top of her scalp, her hair looking hastily dyed black to hide said fact, and her skin beginning to wrinkle, her voice nasally and rough, perhaps she's a smoker? Despite all this, she guides you into the small room with grand movements- probably trying to come across as worldly, but there is an air of performativity to it, and rather than dignified she comes across as a bit dorky.

At one point say you've heard that the author was a man so you're you're surprised to have to have found her instead. She actually fidgets and tells you that a friend of hers is the one who handles the public side of this, she always wrote for the sake of it and had little care for the sudden surge of attention she has received recently.

Your lip curls at the phrasing "So you write about someone else's dead family 'for the sake of it'". The woman leans back in her chair, she repeats that she had never expected to gain the attention that she did, let alone for it to catch the eye from a member of the family itself, considering what an eyesore someone like her must be to someone of your status.

it should have come across as scornful, but rather she levels you with a knowing look. Instead of judgement you feel understood in a way you don't wish to be.

You divert your eyes.

Listen, what I want for this reimagined version of tohya to be a worst-case scenario. Without being picked up by a rich benefactor, post-incident Tohya would probably become homeless due to lacking any credentials and not even knowing their own name. That would most likely lead to their first few years of life as tohya to be rather rough, but it would have exposed them to other unwanted folk perhaps even leading them to discover the queer scene of the time Badabing bada-boom, tohya realises she's a girl

over the span of several years

and probably making it even more difficult than it already was

The only reason the Tohya Ange mets even has a modicum of financial stability is because of the community she found.

This all is important to me because of two reasons: 1) trans girl tohya shows that Sayo wasn't doomed 2) it showcases the consequences of separating oneself from an abusive family- primarily the financial consequences - I SAY THIS AS SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCE HELPING SOMEONE ESCAPE FINANCIAL ABUSE THAT SHIT SUCKS- IT WAS A YEAR LONG PAPERWORK NIGHTMARE TO GET THEM BENEFITS AND SOCIAL HOUSING- LIKE COME ON RYUKISHI YOU WERE A SOCIAL WORKER YOU COULD INCORPORATED IT INTO YOUR STORY, anyway 3) the woman that ange meets being post transition battler would not only tie into the themes of the story ("without love it can't be seen" ange can't recognise who tohya is without coming to terms with what that means) 4) (yeah these points just keep going) tohya would probably come across as a little less irresponsible than in canon. Unlike in canon were tohya only makes contact with ange decades later, this version of tohya does make an appearance once ange seeks her out (perhaps even the whole having a bunch of pen names with different clues leading to her even being intentionally placed for ange). But once she realises that ange does not recognise her and their first meeting not going all that well, tohya might decide that it's for the best - it would echo Sayo's story and in turn make it easier to emphasise with tohya's circumstances 5) also I just think it would just make certain scenes more fun? for me at least. Like I think ange respects ikuko in canon a bit too much. I imagine in this version ange would catch on that trans girl tohya is a dork and think that would lead to some that lead to some interesting banter- the sort of banter that leans uncomfortably close to sibling banter

That would mean that would also change ange's dynamic with featherine. I like to imagine ange being a bit more casual with featherine, perhaps even bullying her a bit for that dress (seriously what is up with that dress), and everyone else being weirded out that featherine doesn't just outright smite her for it

also, episode 6's wedding being battler and erika. Listen, I'm just mad that ryukishi just threw a rape metaphor and never elaborated- that stupid rape metaphor lives in my head and I think it's about time to charge it rent. Felix from Jokrono positied that that scene is there to reflect Ikoku's feeling on how a romance between her and tohya is doomed to never blossom, but personally I feel that's a stretch due to how Ikuko's feelings are never explored in the story and I don't think ryukishi was about to start doing so with the wedding scene as he never elaborated on it.

In my version of the narrative the wedding scene, it could signify tohya's guilt for her inability to be beatrice's groom, to be her prince. ("I mean in canon one of the chester sister's says that battler is more of a bride than a groom, come on ryukishi it was right there!!!) being wedded to erika could signify the fear of staying a man, and the wedding between battler and Beatrice signifies embracing trans lesbianism baby!

Ok I am simplifying it a bit- I honestly don't know what to do with the wedding even in this context, at least not without changing it rather drastically, but I need to get it out there or else this thing is going to stay in my brain. There's nothing wrong with having a rape metaphor in the wedding scene btw especially with a story that focuses on sexual violence like umineko I just wish it effected battler's or tohya's character you know?

And on a final note, tohya in this version wears a short white jean jacket with rolled sleeves with a knee-long black dress and short black hair cut just above the shoulders (aka just a better version of Ikuko's outfit from canon), and once ange and tohya meet again decades later once ange too has become an author, the colours of her outfit have inverted since her hair has gone fully white by then. i would send you a pic of the outfit but I can't find any pictures that match on google so I'd need to draw it- which I might do later

Okay so lets take it from the top lol 1) I usually don't focus much on these characters so I don't have a strong opinion on that, but maybe its in itself a proof of what you're saying here lol. 2) For the class part I don't exactly agree, I think the fact that the servants despite being here for so long are being targeted and distrusted needlessly + sayo being a victim of child labor and being forbidden to be too close to Jessica WHILE going to school with her, being a parallel of her having a normal childhood does say something about the class element. I get where you're going tho and yes, it could have been more developed on that part. 3) Well, but I'd rather something like this on the queerness part than if it tried to bit more than they could chew (and then become really clumsy in the message). I think it treats the subject with enough compassion and respect, thats all I wait for tbh. But I'm also not the right person to elaborate on the trans identity part. (and idk anything about Ciconia but glad its elaborating in the subject).

With all of that said, I do think your idea of Tohya being trans is smart and interesting, combining to characters in one and changing a bit the dynamics with Ange, and its true it would balance things out with Sayo, it holds water and all. The financial part I think was more to make everything easier (having time, opportunities and so on without putting more hours of explaining how its possible). (also that design sounds really cool!)

For the wedding scene and the rape metaphor : in some ways I feel like it was a good adding and in some ways i do not. I understand how it can feel out of place and I agree with you with the lack of following on all of that. I think its being taken as a "what happens in a game stays in the game" but... yeah. I personally just saw it as an illustration of how to feels to force a narrative and a truth without consideration, as a continuity of what happened in EP5 with the character assassination of Natsuhi (which btw, did give me that kind of ick too even if its not the same thing or situation). But for why Tohya made that specific choice I couldn't say for sure. With that said, I can't deny how impactful and chilling that scene was, it think it was extremely well done, but its too bad it was so consequence free :/ (i actually heard other criticism on that scene but more in comparison with how rape was treated in ep7 it was really good I wish I could find it again anyway).

[bengiyo]

Hi! I'm here for the ask game and ready for you to choose violence! I'm interested in questions #3, 12, 18, and 25. If you don't mind, I want to narrow these questions to BL only, unless you have a particularly violent non-BL answer that's too good not to share. I don't have any specific BLs in mind, but if a restriction like "only those that finished or will finish airing this year" or "not this year" is interesting or productive, have at it. Thanks!

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

I'm just gonna keep talking about La Pluie. I saw multiple reactions calling most of episode 8 boring. I am sorry, but if you came to the show interrogating the concept of soulmates and were bored because the two romantic leads said that they choose each other even if they aren't destined to be together, I think you are too jaded and need to take a break from romance.

Sincerely, it baffles me to see people engaging with genre stories and seemingly getting mad that a show is playing around with the conventions of the drama. The spoiler culture brain rot is destroying media literacy and it really makes me sad that it seems like we're chasing the high of something new and unexpected. This on the website of the people reading the same kind of fanfic for the umpteenth time to get their fix.

I just don't get going into romance and being mad that they're doing the big romance things in a show literally about big romance.

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

I am going to interpret this to mean a character that the fandom doesn't like, and not just someone that folks don't know about. I could write about Uncle Man from 21 Days Theory, and I've already written about Framboise.

So I'm going to write about Korn from UWMA. Sometimes I will say on the podcast that "y'all don't like gay men when we're not pretty, funny, sexy, or entertaining." I have to suffer through comments about how Kao is a bad actor or that Korn sucks all the time, and both are wrong. Y'all just don't care about the stoic gay boys that try their damndest to pass and quietly suffer.

Korn is a tragic character because he was trying to be the man that he was expected to be, and then Intouch came along. He was harsh to Intouch throughout much of their romance because he knew what he was going to do. You can see the pain leaking out of that man's eyes the entire time. Intouch tried to save him. Hell, they brought Perth Tanapon to cry about their deaths to hammer home how sad the whole thing was.

It just makes me really sad sometimes around here that we're only ever going to get worked up about the loud and flamboyant characters, or the especially pretty and charming ones.

I am here for characters like Korn (UWMA), Mamoru (Kabe Koji), Shiro (WDYEY), Mitsuru (EY), Teh (IPYTM), Cairo (Gameboys), Shin (3WBF), Inthawut (180DLPTU), and many more.

18. it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

Currently, I feel some kinda way about how people keep looking for reasons to hate Patts in La Pluie, as if his ideal partner signalling is somehow to be mistrusted. It's just a bit sad for me that folks seem determined to hate the lead in this.

I don't really ever get second lead syndrome that often, so everyone on the Lomfon-Tai train confuses me. Lomfon is RUDE, and I do not fuck with that boy.

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

Not a specific complaint, but I've said many times around here that I really hate when folks abuse the tools of criticism to say that they didn't like something. Y'all really don't need to pathologize why you don't like something and reach for flaws in the storytelling or production to justify why you don't like something.

We are a niche fandom. We are not seeing the huge sums of money poured into our productions that huge setpieces are going to get. Y'all need to show a little fucking grace to the creators bringing these things to us.

🔥 choose violence ask game 🔥

[skaruresonic]

"Shadow isn't always an aggro douchebag, look at all these times where he was slightly chill for three seconds in a row! Sure there are just as many if not more examples of Shadow being a raging knob, but I personally do not like those instances and therefore I am going to say they were bad writing and ignore them in favor of the reading of his character that personally appeals to me more!"

What is it about Shadow that makes people be trippin so much? lol

How hard is it for people to just wrap their heads around the idea that Shadows chemistry is different with everybody? He has a MUTUAL competitive relationship with Sonic BECAUSE they have just as much in common as they have differences. Rouge is probably the most trustworthy person in Shadows life currently but it's more like they're co-workers than friends. Amy seems to be able to tug on his heartstrings and get him to do whatever she wants with her earnest personality even while he acts all tsundere about it. Ect.

The way Shadow is isn't mutually exclusive, but folks seem to want to just disregard interactions they don't like because they're different from interactions he has at other times under different circumstances. If your view of Shadow requires trimming fat and going "yeah well that time he was being 'OOC' so I just ignore it" then maybe your view of Shadow isn't accurate.

>>me @ me: the damage is done. you've said your piece. do not drop the Even Spicier Take(tm)

>>me: instructions unclear, failed step one

Tbh, I didn't want to say this because quite frankly, I didn't know how to word it in a way that wouldn't come across as though I was passing judgment since that's not my intention. But… ever since Shadow dropped that "go help your teammates" line in Sonic Forces Overclocked, this general notion has percolated in the back of my mind...

...Well. I think this idea of Shadow as modern fandom conceives him is... made up. And that's the lightest way I can put it.

Over time, I've come to suspect that fandom's constructed this mental image of Shadow as a noble protector archetype, soft-spoken and who always strives to fulfill his duty, and they've become quite attached to it to the point of rejecting other aspects of his character… like the pettiness and the bullheadedness.

It's possible the reason for the backlash against Sega's current portrayal is because the image doesn't match reality. His canonical pettiness chafes against the grain of who he "should" be. I'm not sure how well I'm explaining myself, but I hope the sentiment is received in the spirit in which it's intended.

That's not to say the archetype or the better parts of his personality are necessarily wrong in every circumstance (mandatory disclaimer that I am speaking in generalities and am not personally knocking your fic), but rather, insisting that noble side is all he is and lumping the less palatable traits under that umbrella paints an incomplete picture of his character. Although nobility and pragmatism do inform important parts of his character, they aren't his only traits.

It's like if people took umbrage with Sonic saying "I have no master except the wind that blows free." What, precisely, is there to take umbrage with? If part of the character's personality rubs you the wrong way, that doesn't necessarily have to indicate OOCness, especially when the character is supposed to be an anti-hero.

I have no legit idea what folks even mean by "Vegeta!Shadow" anymore because, for one thing, never watched DBZ, and for another, he gets slapped with the label regardless of his behavior. I can't isolate the offending variable because there doesn't seem to be one, aside from "Sega sucks." Forces!Shadow is relatively chill but still Vegeta!Shadow because Reasons. Flynn fucks up issue 19 so therefore his portrayal is evidence that Sega wants Vegeta!Shadow, because that's how logic works I guess. Shadow goes on vtube and his rivalry with Sonic gets acknowledged? Vegeta!Shadow. Like, is there no sense of scale or degree with which people apply the label? These are three different portrayals. I don't understand.

Obviously I don't want to be all "you must have a high IQ to understand Shadu Le Hedgehog(tm)" because that's very not much the message I want to convey. Lol and lmao I would be so far up my own ass if I did.

But it is interesting how discussing him specifically results in particular problems of communication. The issues with discussing Shadow appear to be that A.) folks tend to think your personal opinions and gripes are indicative of those of all Shadow fans AKA the SA2 fan problem, and B.) you're always going to miss some nuance that someone else is going to point out, and sometimes you have to decide to take the L for the sake of conserving energy.

I've written about his character at length, sometimes embarrassingly so (he rotates in my brain like a TV dinner. hehe Shadow go brrrr). And I think anyone who follows me at this point knows my attitude on Shadow is always changing in subtle ways, because there are as many ways of looking at him as there are facets of his character.

On the other hand… I get that people flanderize him, and his multiplicity can be difficult to capture in the limited space a post can permit. But also, there are times where I'm tired and can't English(tm) and I just don't feel like including footnotes every time I'm like "hehe Shadow's kind of an asshole <3," you know what I mean? It should go without saying that Shadow's character allows enough berth that "hehe Shadow's kind of an asshole <3" does not inherently preclude those moments where he's not-an-asshole. Or less-of-an-asshole. Whichever. You know what I mean.

Despite being frustrated with fanon, I'm not trying to pass indictment and say This Is How Shadow Ought To Be Characterized Forever. Rather, I'm just expressing frustration at how fandom continuously refuses to accept the most baseline traits, like (checks notes) "annoyed by Sonic sometimes."

Like it or not, he does have some rough edges. It wouldn't be fair to sand down the bad boy side of Sonic, and indeed some subsects of fandom complain about its erasure. So why is it okay to do to Shadow?

[pharahsgf]

This is the fella that sent an ask in about modern AUs and yeah, you hit the nail on the head w “cultural diversity and creativity are completely lost on ppl who consume stories looking only for 'relatability'” bc way wayyyyy too often I see like modern AUs set in America (when the original setting was... definitely Not America), Japanese characters shown celebrating Thanksgiving, even if the country that the modern AU is set in isn't named explicitly it can still be deduced as America, it's kinda... I don't know, man, I guess it's the “relatability” for the majority but I can't feel it since I'm, well, not American. Maybe that's why modern AUs tend to not resonate with me— being Asian, that stuff is deeply unrelatable to me. Tf is a sophomore?

exactly... modern aus are fun to experiment with but you'll quickly reach a point where you're just talking about original characters with your faves' names slapped on them. and if that's your primary way of interacting w the material then what's the point of getting into any media besides bland modern sitcoms and teen dramas?

Maybe it's just because I'm a chronic overthinker, but if an aspect of a character's backstory is taken away surely something will change within the character, right? That's the entire premise of the For The Want Of A Nail AUs. Maybe it's just me, many people seem to be able to smooth out the wrinkles just fine, but if someone were to hold a gun to my head and force me to write a modern AU I'd just... crumble. I'd be stumped with the first damn step bc in my mind “I was an illegitimate child born of a slave woman and my mother and I were abandoned to die to eliminate the threat I pose to the firstborn lawful son but he raced up the mountains to save us and it was too late for my mother but I survived and he raised me singlehandedly and so I want to make him proud and be a worthy successor after him and that's why my sense of worth is so intrinsically tied to how useful I am in battle as a warrior and commander” is like... I dunno man it's a keystone to that character's everything and if I remove that, if I remove the cultural context of a world that created his circumstances in the first place, what the hell am I gonna be left with, it'd change his character, and perhaps to an absurdly unrecognizable degree that he becomes an empty husk wearing that character's name and skin. I'm sure some other folk could pull it off but... not me. I can't. Because then what's the point?

This is not to say people aren't allowed to write or enjoy what they like but man, why? I can't really understand.

i've said this before but i'm not surprised so many people cite 'less research' as the primary reason they write modern aus, because nine times out of ten characters appear completely disconnected from their canon native cultures and will instead reflect the habits and values of young white usamericans. and i don't even think it's a 'relatability > everything' issue as much as it's just... people being a little oblivious to cultural differences regarding things like food, marriage, family, school, social etiquette, home ownership, car ownership, what apps and brands people use, etc. like it's just a little off putting to see chinese characters in a supposedly chinese setting do or say something distinctly american bc the author thought it was universal. ykwim.

+ yeah agreed w the last bit, writing characters accurately is already such a fucking struggle and completely changing their environments often renders them unrecognizable. it's fun to play around with who would be what in some other setting but if that's all you ever create or consume then you're probably more into the character archetypes than the characters themselves rip

[olderthannetfic]

Thinking about your answer to https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/711971384704811008/im-aware-that-this-is-probably-a-dumb-question (the impact of a sex scene)

As a writer, I've often skipped it when, to me, it didn't feel necessary: the characters have reached the point where yes, they're together / committed / into each other, etc but I've had a few times (not often) readers say they'd have liked to have the sex scene, in fics where for me it would have been totally pastede on: the arc is done, the deed happened / will happen off-screen, etc, so it doesn't bring anything to the story or characters. But I think for some, it's unsatisfying if the dicks aren't out and the tongues battling for dominance; if it's not shown but only implied, then it's not as satisfying to them as readers.

Similarly, as a reader, I've often found myself skipping over the sex scenes when it felt, to me, only here to fulfill expectations, a reward for the readers who enjoy sex scenes independently of whether it's useful in the story, even if commenters are raving about it or the author is praised for their sex scenes. Ficcers aren't writing assignments to please a paying customer, after all, but themselves and hopefully their community, and many do love reading and writing about The Boning. But in that case, when I don't see the point of it, I just skim quickly so I can spot if there's anything interesting plot/characterization-wise. It's rarely the case when it's just added at the end IME, though I guess it's here as some sort of... emotional climax? or something? for some folks? I can't see it, but it's there for people who aren't me, and that's fine.

So I'm not entirely sure that I 100% see what you mean when you say that it's obvious when it's needed or unneeded ;-) it can be obvious to me that it is such when the exact opposite is obvious to another reader/writer, so I guess there's a degree of YMMV about it.

And yeah, I'm ace, and yeah, I do read and write sex scenes; it's not that I'm a prude! I just think there's a degree of sliding scale to it. Is The Sex Scene Necessary / Does It Make Sense Plot-Wise etc? You say that it's obvious when sex scenes (or gore, etc) are distracting or unneeded in a badly written fic, but 'badly written' may not quite mean the same thing to everyone, and perhaps depends on what the reader wants to find there.

(Cue me angsting about adding a sex scene in a fic because Gah! People want their smut! And I read So-and-so say that they only read Explicit and Mature! Must add sex to fics! And then write a porny fic, and see someone say the opposite! Woe! ;-)

--

I meant it's often obvious to the writer, but yes, readers may disagree. I think the sex scenes at climaxes are particularly prone to people disagreeing for exactly the reason you say: they're a sort of genre expectation for some. I do, generally, find a long emotional build unsatisfying if we don't see the characters get together beyond just asking each other out, and a sex scene is one way of showing them together.

It's the sex scenes in the middle that happen well before the emotional climax that I feel are particularly obvious. Maybe it only comes with experience, and I'm sure not everyone will agree because there's nothing in art everyone agrees on, but I think a lot of people will agree on which ones feel extraneous or missing... or at least which ones feel like they're there to be hot vs. which ones seem to be doing something else in addition.

Let me give you an example of a sex scene that should not have been missing:

In the film The Quick and the Dead, Sharon Stone finally had enough clout to get the sex scene removed. Good for her... but sadly, it's one time it really should have stayed in because it happens between two characters who don't trust each other and have only sort of drawn closer the previous day. On the morning after the sex scene they're scheduled to fight a duel to the death. They concoct a secret scheme to get out of it. We don't see them coming up with this because it's supposed to be a surprise, which is fine, but we also don't see any scene that really explains when they had time to come up with it or why they trust each other enough to carry it out. The sex doesn't make it sensible to trust each other, but it does explain why they might suddenly be filled with new feelings and do so anyway. It also explains when they had time to discuss a plan in private without others wondering what they were up to.

The scenes that are most obviously needed are ones that are structural: They contain some major emotional beat that isn't in other scenes. Something about the status quo is radically different between the scenes on either side. A character makes a major decision even if we don't know exactly what it is yet. Those kinds of moments should be on-page/on-screen.

[lightofraye]

I find your writing interesting. You go into depth about abuse, share personal tidbits, and seem to really want to learn more about the celebrities you're interested in. But why? Why abuse?

Hi anon!

Ohhh. The million dollar question. Given what I've written so far, I imagine folks think I could be informative on a number of topics. Single parenting, cats (I have way too many, haha), life in general...

So why abuse.

Because... the saying "Not my circus, not my monkeys" is wrongly applied here. Sure, what goes on in someone's bedroom is largely their business--until it becomes assault (sexual or others), forced, or so forth. Then it becomes our business, because when one person harms someone else, they often end up with a string of abuse behind them.

Same with those who are LGBTQ+. I don't give a fuck how they live as long as it's, to borrow a phrase from the BDSM community: safe, sane and consensual. Then they can live their lives however they want. It doesn't bother me.

Wanna be polyamory? Go for it. Wanna be a childless couple? Go for it. Be long term, committed without a marriage license? Okay! Want to practice some faith/religion that we've never heard of? Don't care, as long as it doesn't harm anyone else or yourself.

But abuse.... ah. That is our business. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has a right to safety. Every baby, every child, every teenager, every adult, everyone has a right to safety.

What does safety mean to me? Freedom from fear. Freedom from being harmed, regardless of the reason. Freedom to live. That means being aware of harmful techniques that many an abuser uses. Which means talking about it. Not talking about it only gives it power, gives the abuser power.

I've lived in fear my whole life, as a child fearful of my father's temper because he knew he couldn't hit my mother and get away with it--so he took it out on us. When she became aware of that, she stopped fighting him to keep us safe. When I was preyed upon by an adult while I was a preteen, I was lucky and nothing more damaging came from it. Then as an adult, being used by multiple partners--mostly emotional.

Then my ex-husband happened and my son.

That's when I realized it was up to me to save my son's life.

There are still far too few resources out there. Oh, we're talking more about it--but not enough. And too often we speak of physical or sexual abuse. What about the other kinds that we aren't aware of? Or didn't realize was abuse? Maybe they aren't legally recognized, but they're still recognized as abuse.

I want to talk about it. I want to educate. Give resources. Let people know they aren't the only ones out there. That someone believes them. That they aren't alone.

Thanks for the ask.