#lightofraye on abuse

[lightofraye]

That's Not Strength

Note: I discuss/describe emotional and mental abuse noted here. Some people may not like me doing this or may not be aware that I talk about this. It does involve Jensen Ackles and my speculation about his marriage.

Some fans find this as... being anti Jensen. I am not. I am a strong supporter of his. You may disagree, which is fine.

Now to my post.

I hadn't had a chance to listen to the full gold panel. My life is busy and Sundays is usually my busiest with getting ready for the work week. (Which makes it sad, because I love watching the boys banter and answer questions.)

However, a follower made a point of a timestamp and I listened to it. And my heart dropped.

Jensen goes at length about how he engages some arguments and disengages from others. When he mentions reactionary, I can't help but wonder.

In an argument, you should never feel reactionary unless something is happening to trigger you. Defensive? Why is he feeling defensive? Unless Danneel is attacking him left and right and he's forced to not to bother to defend himself because he knows from past experience that she'll never back down and accept a loss in a fight.

What's noteworthy is his usage of "flight". He couldn't have said "Some arguments I just don't find worthwhile and I walk away". Flight is not a common term to use in a discussion, if at all, unless referencing fleeing an argument that is abusive.

The fact he had to call Danneel "a strong woman" is once again propping her up when she's demonstrated signs of being an emotional abuser, one who constantly puts down her husband, never praises him, and takes all the rewards for his hard work without having earned it herself.

There's a difference between deciding some arguments aren't worth it and conceding the other side, and deciding to flee/flight an argument because you know you'll never win.

Classic emotional abuser/victim.

It mirrored what I went through with my ex-husband. I knew there was zero point in having an argument with him and I'd just fawn, letting him win. Several others that I've spoken to after watching that answer also concur: that's not a normal/healthy dynamic.

He strokes Danneel's ego while putting himself down and reveals more than he realizes.

Starts at around 18:25 in the gold panel. Or use this post for the precise moment if it's easier.

[lightofraye]

To add: It's likely you may never be done healing. That too is okay. There may be moments that something triggers you (using the proper term here, not what so many end up misusing) and you'll be crashing all over again.

That is normal.

That is okay.

Healing is a journey. There'll never be a destination because life itself doesn't have a destination.

It's the journey.

It’s okay if you thought you were over it but it hits you all over again.

It’s okay to fall apart even after you had it under control.

You are not weak. Healing is messy. And there is no timeline for healing.

From my book "A Survivor's Guilt."

[lightofraye]

Ten Years

I forgot to share this yesterday.

Officially divorced for nine years, left the ex-husband ten years ago.

It's still emotionally an enormous thing. A scary thing. I will never forget grabbing my infant son, just freshly turned one years old, and what I could of my possessions and fleeing to a domestic violence shelter.

I'm still kicking. I'm still fighting. I'm tip-toeing with each step, being very cautious in my moves against him--because I have to. It all has to be above-board, all legal (unlike his bullshit, dear gods), and all has to be done with extreme care so that when the victory comes, there's nothing he can do about it.

I'm the turtle in this race.

Remember though, in that story: The turtle won.

And I will win.

I've gotten this far. Each move he had tried against me has failed. Oh, he's gotten some minor victories, small battles, but I am moving to win. In this game of chess, losing the pawns isn't a problem. They're a sacrifice that is acceptable.

I'm the Queen, powerful, plotting moves across the board. The King... as reluctant as I am to call my ex-husband the King... that's what he is in the game.

I don't like to compare the ongoing issue against my ex-husband as a game, but it helps to view it as a form of gamification. I have to be careful with my moves, surrendering in smaller battles to win the bigger victory.

It's been ten years. In those ten years, my ex-husband has been persistent. Abusers don't like to lose, you see... and frequently will escalate into increasing violence against the ones who escape. Or find other ways to torment and otherwise continue to be a problem to the victims.

During the first several years after I left my ex-husband, he actually assaulted, strangled, and "criminally confined" a woman he was dating in his apartment. Guess what his punishment was? Probation and anger management.

Despite having had other criminal misdeeds, that's all the courts gave him. That alone emphasized why I couldn't tell him I wanted to divorce in person, face to face. To this day, he still insists I could've just told him and he'd let me go.

Uh huh.

I continue to have personal battles against him, in the courts. The largest reason being I want to move out of state--there's a better state that has all the resources my son needs. That I need. That my daughter needs.

But I can't leave without his "permission" (we share joint custody right now). If he says 'no' and the courts agree with him, I'm screwed. Yet I'm determined.

It's been ten years. If anything, I'm stronger than I was when I first met my ex-husband. Meanwhile, he's been reduced, frustrated.

I will win.

Knowledge is my strength. I research the crap out of everything. I use my paralegal background to ensure I'm picking the best solutions. In order to leave, I have to demonstrate everything I need to the judge. Research, information, whatever I need.

Ten years.

I'll keep fighting the rest of my life if I have to. The abusers in my life have all tried to break me, crush me, destroy me. They tried to turn me dark, bitter, full of rage and hate like them.

Here I am, ten years later, refusing to let that happen. I will be the loving mother for my children. I will be a kind, gentle person, sharing light and love, because I won't let them break me.

All survivors of domestic violence are kintsugi. We are more beautiful after having been shattered and rebuilt.

Ten years.

I'm still standing.

[lightofraye]

This, in a nutshell, is another reason why there's a difference between bantering and emotional abuse.

[lightofraye]

I’ve Been Summoned

Well… this week has turned into an interesting one. Yesterday, after work, I was opting to do an errand. But as I headed that way, my daughter rang me. Given she wasn’t the type to call unless urgent, I answered.

“You need to come home.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Her: “There’s someone from CPS and they have legal paperwork. They said they wanted to talk to you.”

My eyes widened. Child Protective Services wanted to talk to me? What?

I canceled the errand, turned the car around, and headed home. The whole drive home, I was worried. It couldn’t have been for me—my ex-husband had been incredibly quiet on that front, though he has a history of making false reports on me. And my former mother-in-law.

When I got home, I got there about 10 minutes before the process server returned. I waited for her outside, enjoying the nice weather. She immediately greeted me and I confirmed my identity.

Then the revelation: I was being summoned to testify in court. Months ago, I helped a neighborhood teenage girl after she was assaulted by her father. She had come to my house, in the dark, sans her necessary glasses, and managed to find help in my home.

I remember it fairly vividly too. Spent almost two hours juggling between helping the girl, calling the police, checking on her in the ambulance when it arrived, and talking long distance with her mother.

It seemed CPS now officially wants to take the kids away from the father and needs witnesses, proof, to terminate parental rights.

I looked at my daughter and said, “Hell yes, I’ll go.”

I’m never going to forget how that poor girl looked in the light of my porch, the blood trickling down from the corner of her mouth. She had been so terrified, so much so she didn’t want to bring danger into my home just by taking shelter.

I remember telling her she had nothing to worry about. If her father found her in my home and tried to become violent, he was in for a rude awakening. Her safety came first.

I did it before. I’d do it again.

I will speak up on any abuse I see.

I won’t let it stay hidden in the darkness.

[lightofraye]

I spent all day working on this response, since yesterday. I was actually asked by @themoodyestj if she could respond to that ask… because it was very clearly and loudly referring to me. She didn’t have to. It’s her blog. She could’ve deleted and I would have been none the wiser. Or responded regardless. But she wanted to be sure I’d be okay with it. It was a kindness I did not expect.

The anon is clearly referring to my history that I’ve openly spoken about probably since I started my blog. I’m not ashamed of my history of a survivor of abuse and I won’t let an anon make me feel as such.

So what brought on this sudden and savage hate? Only thing I could think of recently was a statement—an opinion—about the J2 wives and who was tokenizing the kids more.

I brought up some moments that had been mentioned by fans who attended Wales Comic Con and cited them. Then an opinion of mine.

I believe that was largely it.

The hate, the vitriol, that has been leveraged against me since I started writing on my speculation of the Ackles marriage, my perspective of what I feel is going on, has been breathtaking since I started in… April? Maybe May?

I’ve received death threats. I’ve endured threats of violence, both in anon asks and publicly on blogs (I have those screenshots too). Worst of all, I’ve had an anon say that I deserve to lose my son (and to paraphrase said anon, “that’s if he’s actually real”).

In response to said anons’ behavior, I took away their anonymity. It was a privilege, not a right. In response, they’ve gone to other blogs in hopes I’d respond. I had done so before and realized that was an error. So I stopped.

I maintained boundaries. I keep to my tiny corner of Tumblr and I write. I share funny things. I came up with cool ideas—my almost daily music choices and Supernatural memes for the days, currently having fun with Supernatural Halloween and 12 Days of Halloween Music. I occasionally share photos. I talk about cats. I make posts about family.

Then my real passion: sharing and educating on abuse, as so many are unaware that they shouldn’t endure such mistreatment in the name of love.

These posts are frequently heavily researched, not using some minor personal blog but legitimate sites on abuse, on psychology, and I’ve taken to citing them in the post itself or at the end with link references.

I don’t pull knowledge out of the ether. I research. That’s my background, that’s my passion, and hell, being a paralegal is largely doing research to back up citations in legal arguments.

It’s why it takes me a while to write posts on it. Because I research. And because it can be painful as I read and reconfirm all the hell I’ve been through was in fact… abuse.

As for the claim of “go do something”… what makes you think I don’t? I’ve made passing mentions of things I’ve done in the past. I was recently summoned to testify to an abuse case. I’ve helped throw out an abuser in my daughter’s life two years ago.

There’s more, but guess what? I’m not here to brag. Bragging is gross. It’s an unnecessary ego stroke. I let my actions speak for themselves.

Sadly… I pity this anon. I pity others like them. How empty their lives must be that they feel threatened by someone writing an opinion, speculation, on a celebrity marriage? Or express a dislike of a headcanon? Or a small time former celebrity? Then attack so viciously that had they said this to me in person with witnesses, I could probably secure a restraining order, bare minimum.

How empty is your life, anon? That you behave like this. That other people have gotten equally rude or worse messages… because we collaborate? That we reblog and laugh or facepalm? That they’ve had to delete and block… because the hate is so vicious and unhinged.

I know there are some who say I made up the abuse for clicks (why? Tumblr isn’t monetized). For attention. For… whatever. That my daughter is in fact imaginary and fake. That I’m a creepy psycho for wanting to see Jensen Ackles as a human being as opposed to a Ken doll.

I could go into detail about the abuse I’ve experienced. It still wouldn’t convince the anons. They want, apparently, to have that hate to feel good about themselves. To feel useful. To give their lives meaning.

I pity anons like this. All they have is their hate—be it against me, against Jared, and yes, even Jensen.

I’ve had people say I’m “too kind”. Even too forgiving. Maybe so… but the opposite is this anon, angry and bitter and hateful.

I’d rather show kindness, love, compassion and yes, knowledge to highlight abuse—because if it can help one person, then I’m happy.

Go in peace, anon. I hope you find it.

To all my readers...

I'm usually not much of a speech person (although I write quite a lot) but today I got this ask:

See, this Anon wasn't addressing me. They were addressing one of my mutuals that they think is me. A mutual who was brave enough to share their story of abuse. A mutual who this Anon felt entitled to harrass, using a very painful period of their live, for the sake of what? Apparently Danneel Ackles. Well, one thing I know for sure. Even if just for the sake of image, Danneel Ackles wouldn't touch this Anon with a ten feet pole. Much less her husband. There is no way this disgusting behaviour is justifiable.

WEAPONIZING ABUSE IS NOT OK.

I know that the normal route of things is to delete and block. Nobody wants to see this ugliness. Some people have closed their Anon asks altogether.

Well, I believe this behavior is shameful and exceeds what I would call delulu behavior. This is evil. This is zero respect for the human condition. And it needs to be called out.

I ask the AAs and Hellers of this Tumblr, do you claim this as yours? Do you condone to this type of behavior? Do you find it justifiable? And to my readers and mutuals, if you are disgusted by this as much as I am, I ask you to reblog with #againstweaponizingabuse and/or #supportingabusevictims. Let's expose this once and for all.

[lightofraye]

The Aftermath

So... I went to the hearing this morning. I was on time, prepared. I dressed as nicely as I could with an earthy green blouse, black slacks, my hair nicely done, makeup on. I wanted to present the image of a woman who was a concerned neighbor--which I was.

I get there, managed to meet the CPS attorney and we spoke for a few minutes. He said the abuser in question was reviewing stipulations that the CPS attorney drafted. I quirked a brow and went, "Wait, what?"

Stipulations such as therapy, counseling for the family as a whole, other resources, all intended to keep the family united. I swallowed hard; abusers rarely change. They just get better at hiding their violence, make it harder for the victims to escape.

But what could I do? I'm just a witness. I can't advise against it.

The only reassurance was that after frequent check-ups (every 3 months), if they find it's still not working, then they'd intervene and terminate parental rights.

I sighed, nodded.

I went back to the outside of the courtroom, sat down, and browsed my Tumblr for over an hour, waiting. There were others who were also summoned, but I didn't bother to introduce myself. Just browsed, chatted with my family via Messenger, and kept an eye out on the courtroom.

Then I saw him. The abuser. He stalked right out, looking furious. I don't think he saw me. He was too focused on leaving. Then the attorney came out, said we weren't needed. The stipulations were agreed upon.

I nodded, took a moment to do early voting (it was in the same area, I might as well!), and then headed home.

For now, my duty is done. I only hope that the girl and her siblings are safe. That the abuser will take it seriously, but... I truly doubt it.

While I'm still in this area, I will definitely keep an eye out. An ear. We'll see how it goes... and hope that he--the abuser--takes this as a learning lesson.

In a weird twist, just a few days ago, two years ago, I had kicked my DIL's abuser out of my house. I was firm on it. The abuser had the audacity to go after my daughter in front of my son. They scared my son. He felt unsafe.

That alone made me determine that they had to leave. I was prepared to do it legally--eviction notice, made sure the laws were behind me. The abuser found out, threatened to leave and I was all "Fine. Go." Then they tried to make it sound like they couldn't get a taxi to the shelter I directed them to. Me: "I'll pay. Get out."

They hoped their tears would break me. They were wrong.

I was out $200 for that taxi. It was worth every penny. My DIL was grateful, though she had a lot of anxiety for a while, which was understandable.

Through her I had a lovely compliment. She said I was one of few people that could be given the label "mama bear" and meant it.

I shrugged.

Where I love, I protect.

And I will not sit idly by if someone needs help. Even if I'm scared or anxious for my own safety.

Hopefully the abuser in my town is aware of it now. He has a lot of kids, and that has me concerned.

All I can do now... is wait. And see.

And live my life.

[lightofraye]

Found on Twitter.

[lightofraye]

[lightofraye]

The Complexities of Abuse

One of the most complicated issues about abuse is how black and white it is frequently viewed. We'd like to think that we would never allow ourselves to be harmed in such a manner—be it physical or otherwise. We'd like to think that if our abuser started to harm us, we'd stop loving them and desiring their presence in our lives.

In every case, we'd be wrong. Not all of us are fighters; more often than not, we can't really dictate how we'd react. When such incidents happen, our brains lock up and we react on instinct. And when it comes to our feelings... Sometimes we can't even control that.

We are multilayered beings. One section of our brain may be focused on survival at all times—making sure we're hydrated, that we're fed, that we are feeling all right. Another may be dedicated to the basic necessities of life—work, paying bills, do we have enough gas for the commute, and so forth. Another may be focused on our loved ones—and our situation with them. Our friends, our pets. We contain multitudes, we are contradictions, we are hypocritical.

And we love our abusers even when it may not be wise to do so.

I speak from experience. It took me years to stop missing my ex-husband, to stop reacting when he used a similar endearment for his fiancée that he once used on me. To stopcaring about him. He hurt me in so many ways, in ways that no one even knows about outside of a few. And yet... I loved him.

You can love your abuser. You can hate your abuser. Both can co-exist at the same time.

Why did I bring this up? My daughter asked me to.

You see, a few weeks ago, she received news that devastated her. Someone she once loved, someone who once abused her, had passed away. She was a mix of emotions. Her spouse, my daughter-in-law, let me know privately while I was work, largely so I'd know and understand why my daughter was out of sorts when I got home. I understood at once just what she was feeling.

When I got home, she was definitely 'off'. I let it be, let her be herself, let her feel. Then my daughter came over to me, laid her head on my shoulder, and just broke down into tears. My heart ached and I comforted her as she cried. When she cried herself out, we talked.

At one point, I told her it was okay to feel contradictory emotions. It was okay to feel happy he was dead; it was okay to feel devastated that he was dead. She turned teary eyes on me and trembled, "But I don't feel happy he's gone. Is that bad?"

Instantly, I answered, "No. It's okay to be devastated. Even though he hurt you, it's absolutely okay to be upset, sad."

She loved him, you see.

Oh, it was a toxic relationship. He'd groomed her when she was underage, and when she was considered legally an adult, he took her into a relationship. Made her a step-mother to his children, whom she adored. They were together for several years.

She loved him.

He, presumably, in his own way... loved her too. And he abused her.

It's a complex mess. We are contradictory. We are hypocrites. We exist in multitudes, multilayers. We love, and we hate to love.

I don't know how I'll feel when my ex-husband passes away (presumably he'll pass before I do; it's a miracle he's still alive, to be honest, with his assorted health issues and blase attitude about them). Would I be relieved? Would I be overjoyed? Would I cry and grieve and hate that I'm not happy he's gone?

It may be I'll feel all of that and then some.

When we talked about it, I recall her turning to me and saying something along the lines of, "Write that."

Me, oh-so-intelligently: "Huh?"

Her: "Write that."

I remember looking at her, wanting to respect her privacy, her life. I barely touch on the stories of her life, the story of my daughter-in-law's, precisely because it's not mine to share. I can ask, and if they say 'no', I don't.

But she wanted me to talk about it. Because it is complex. Because it is never as simple as "I would never do that!" and "If they hurt me, I could stop loving them!"

Could you? Could you really? When there are so many cases, stories, out there in the wild, in the world, in Hollywood, where celebrities of the worst kind are still supported and adored, their crimes swept under the rug? Where none had ever apologized, changed for the better?

When we have so many personal stories, known by friend of the friend, extended family stories, where the victim/survivor stayed... because they loved their abuser?

One of the hardest things to do in this world is to be aware of such abuse happening to someone you care about and being utterly powerless to help them, save them... Because they aren't ready. Because the love was still stronger than the fear; or the fear was so intricately connected to that love, it was hard to tell the difference.

Because in the end, the only one who could save themselves... Is themselves. All we can do is offer that love, support, and be there when it happens... If it happens.

I don't blame my daughter for being grief-stricken. I don't judge her over that either.

We need to acknowledge that it's complicated. That we will experience a multitude of emotions that don't always make sense.

Grieve the loss of life. Miss the love.

Then... Let it go.

[lightofraye]

The Hearing Tomorrow

Last week, I posted about how i received a summons to testify in court. In the following days, I spoke with the attorney for Child Protective Services (CPS) and shared what I recalled in full with him. I tried to recall all the details that happened, the order of events and everything that happened.

The attorney was rather pleased by my recitation. Something about "excited utterance" and how my testimony would come across as an emotional story, not one indicative of hearsay. I took him at his word about that.

I'm anxious though.

I know the abuser. It didn't hit me until during the discussion, and I pulled up my Facebook, turned to my daughter-in-law (who happened to come in the phone call--I had the attorney on speaker) and went. "Oh shit. I know him."

You see... the father, the abuser, was someone who lived within my town limits. My itty-bitty town has less than 400 people. We don't even have a freakin' gas station! (Though, amazingly, we have a post office and a library.) More, he lived a street away... and behind me.

We met twice. Both times when I posted in the town's Facebook group asking for help with my car. (Both times, tires. What is it with me and flats?) Both times, his... wife? partner? girlfriend?... responded and offered to have him help.

Both times he was absolutely flakey and unreliable to boot. I'm still waiting for the second round of assistance and I paid! Ugh. I didn't make the connection with the name until the attorney mentioned a few details that made me sit back and go "Wait..."

Now I'm doubly concerned what will happen. Because he knows where I live.

And yet... I'll go. I'll testify. I want to protect that girl and her siblings (three others are listed in the case to be removed if CPS prevails). No one deserves to be beaten, to be choked, punched, and nearly have their ribs broken.

My employer is aware. I took tomorrow off and explained why. Both of my supervisors are encouraging and supportive, appreciating my willingness to step forward.

My family is supportive, of course. We're prepared, if violence does occur.

I have an outfit picked out, plan on looking presentable. The attorney sent me a kind of outline to review how he'd proceed, just to prepare me.

All I can do now is wait... and in about fifteen hours, I'll be in court.

[lightofraye]

Abuse And Love?

I saw this on Pinterest and someone said "Yeah, they loved each other" and quite a few started arguing about "That isn't love, she abused him!" and so forth.

No. You can still love the person who abused you. It isn't 24/7, the abuse. At times, the abuser genuinely appears to love you, and it messes with one's perception, one's mind, and one's heart. We get confused, wonder if we're imagining the bad things or the good things. It's very gaslighty.

This is why it's hard to break the abusive relationship... because the love is there. It may be a corrupted version of love, but it's still love. You can love your abuser... even when they're hurting you.

Sam appeared to love Ruby, and somewhere, deep down, she probably loved him too. She turned her back on Sam to face Dean, thinking Sam wouldn't help Dean kill her. She was wrong.

It was love. It was abuse.

It's can be both.

[lightofraye]

I find your writing interesting. You go into depth about abuse, share personal tidbits, and seem to really want to learn more about the celebrities you're interested in. But why? Why abuse?

Hi anon!

Ohhh. The million dollar question. Given what I've written so far, I imagine folks think I could be informative on a number of topics. Single parenting, cats (I have way too many, haha), life in general...

So why abuse.

Because... the saying "Not my circus, not my monkeys" is wrongly applied here. Sure, what goes on in someone's bedroom is largely their business--until it becomes assault (sexual or others), forced, or so forth. Then it becomes our business, because when one person harms someone else, they often end up with a string of abuse behind them.

Same with those who are LGBTQ+. I don't give a fuck how they live as long as it's, to borrow a phrase from the BDSM community: safe, sane and consensual. Then they can live their lives however they want. It doesn't bother me.

Wanna be polyamory? Go for it. Wanna be a childless couple? Go for it. Be long term, committed without a marriage license? Okay! Want to practice some faith/religion that we've never heard of? Don't care, as long as it doesn't harm anyone else or yourself.

But abuse.... ah. That is our business. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has a right to safety. Every baby, every child, every teenager, every adult, everyone has a right to safety.

What does safety mean to me? Freedom from fear. Freedom from being harmed, regardless of the reason. Freedom to live. That means being aware of harmful techniques that many an abuser uses. Which means talking about it. Not talking about it only gives it power, gives the abuser power.

I've lived in fear my whole life, as a child fearful of my father's temper because he knew he couldn't hit my mother and get away with it--so he took it out on us. When she became aware of that, she stopped fighting him to keep us safe. When I was preyed upon by an adult while I was a preteen, I was lucky and nothing more damaging came from it. Then as an adult, being used by multiple partners--mostly emotional.

Then my ex-husband happened and my son.

That's when I realized it was up to me to save my son's life.

There are still far too few resources out there. Oh, we're talking more about it--but not enough. And too often we speak of physical or sexual abuse. What about the other kinds that we aren't aware of? Or didn't realize was abuse? Maybe they aren't legally recognized, but they're still recognized as abuse.

I want to talk about it. I want to educate. Give resources. Let people know they aren't the only ones out there. That someone believes them. That they aren't alone.

Thanks for the ask.

[lightofraye]

I adore Brendan Fraser. He's always struck me as modest, blushed when he got a compliment on a podcast (I believe) and an amazing survivor. He went through hell after he tried to speak up about the sexual harassment he received, losing his job for a time and I believe this was when his marriage fell apart too.

This is partly why I've been focusing on male survivors and abuse victims because so many would be toxic towards them, say it was no big deal, praise some poor child (often teenage boys) for being preyed upon by adult female teachers, and so much more.

If I'm ever able to, I'd love to go back to college, take up psychology, and perform my own research since there's so little about them, the statistics, because of toxic masculinity.

I appreciate Brendan for speaking out about what he's been through. He's so beloved because he's humble.

Brendan Fraser

Im sorry, I had to put this here, because this actor has my utmost admiration.

This man won an Oscar and made a terrific comeback. In a movie where he looked like this:

Not because he's hot. Not because he has thirsty fans.

Because he's good at what he does.

The Whale is a damn good story. He made it incredible.

[lightofraye]

Portrait Of A Woman

Yes, another version of this. Deal. 😆

I'm always changing and growing, revising my life and what I'm blogging about. I joke that I'm a gossip columnist (because I do refer to other celebrities besides Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles), but it's only to share my other interests.

So what are my interests? The purpose behind this blog?

Many things. I title it Ramblings Of A Writer for a reason. I write and boy, do I ramble!

I’ll also be redoing my masterlists to make it easier for folks to find certain posts. I won’t be redoing posts—no need to do that, but perhaps reposting information being redone. Like “Version 2 with new stuff” or better organized information and having those on the masterlists instead.

Let's begin with me:

Who am I?

My online nickname: Raye

Pronouns: She/her

Astrology: (Western) Pisces, (Eastern) Metal Monkey

Country: United States

I am anti (and I make no apologies):

Anti Danneel/Anti Elta

Anti Misha

Anti AAs

Anti Destiel

Anti Hellers

Anti Cockles

Anti Abuse

My ‘custom’ tags:

#Jensen Supportive (I believe I'm the originator)

#Music Choices by lightofraye

#lightofraye on abuse

I also frequently use #Jensen Concern, though I am not the originator (like I thought I was!).

What I’m reading:

Fictional: The Dresden Files, currently Battle Ground and Peace Talks

Non-fiction: The Body Keeps The Score

Where am I at with my writing:

BA Script: Judging by the math… 1/2 of the way through. Loving it! First draft!

Pre-plotting my horror/thriller

Vikings? VIKINGS!

So many more planned. Someone knock out my muse. 😅

What am I watching?

Burn Notice (finally getting the last season!)

Daredevil (again!)

Once Upon A Time

Supernatural (forever and ever, ahem)

The Good Place

A Discovery of Witches

About this blog:

I really, honest to gods, did not start this blog to be an anti. I know my anons would disagree with me and claim I always “hated” Danneel, but that just isn’t the truth. I came to Tumblr to find a new kind of social media as I was feeling soured by Facebook, disliked how Twitter had changed, escaped Livejournal years ago, not a fan of Reddit, and the “newer” social media sites weren’t my thing. Plus I’ve kept seeing hilarious screenshots from Tumblr on Facebook and decided to check it out!

I initially started by following pages about Supernatural, Sam and Dean Winchester, the actors Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. I did not go seeking anti-Danneel posts; they more or less fell into my lap. When I started reading a few posts, something clicked in my mind, explained why I was struggling with how I felt about her. I kept analyzing her behavior for a long while, what she said, and thought maybe something was being seen by fans that wasn’t being seen by me.

The explanations made sense. I felt I could breathe again. That’s when I remembered the least recognized method of abuse: emotional and mental. That fit Danneel to a T. Especially the more I looked into what she’s said and wrote over the years and saw how Jensen behaved around her in videos and photos. Even when they were supposedly trying to push the “happy couple” narrative, it just did not look true. Especially given Jensen’s talent as an actor! If he couldn’t even fake being happy or in love with her….

So I’m an Anti-Danneel. I’m also Anti-Misha for his behavior over the years, towards Jared, towards Jensen, the lies he’s peddled and keeps peddling. (For instance, no, Castiel would not have ‘fucked’ Dean upon pulling him out of Hell. No, CW was not being homophobic.)

I am absolutely very pro-Jared and pro-Jensen. I know, I know…. “But Raye, you’ve written posts criticizing Jensen! How can you be pro-Jensen??”

My answer is a variation of this: “Because I care! I am not blind to the flaws of either men! I am wildly concerned about Jensen, about what seems—to me—as excessive drinking, ‘empty’ eyes, unhappy and stressed smiles.”

For the vast majority of the AAs, it seems I’m not pro-Jensen if I don’t see him as flawless, a god upon the perfect pedestal, the Ken doll That breaks my heart. He is flawed. He is imperfect. I see more than just the pretty mask. I want to see and know the man. He isn’t just a beautiful trophy for us to ogle.

He’s caught in a rock and a hard place and I acknowledge that hard. It’s just only the negativity is seen and not the love and support. 😕

What can I tell you about me?

I could say so much. I’m the third child of a family of four kids, and the only daughter. (So that was fun.) I’m a gamer, read comics (still read a few, such as ElfQuest), got into reading fantasy books (Dragonlance’s War of the Lance was my first!), have a massive interest in psychology, in wanting to understand the human mind. I’m fluent in two languages—English and American Sign Language.

Ah, that last one might surprise some folks. No, I am not deaf—but my parents, two of my three brothers, and everyone on my mother’s side of the family are. I half-joke that my first language is ASL, not speaking with a voice. It’s not a joke though; it’s more or less accurate.

I’m a writer. I’m working on several screenplays, have plans for novels, dabble in poetry. I’m an amateur artist—have sketched with pencil and Photoshop. I haven’t done so in a while, but I love art. I do a lot under the creative umbrella, and most of it is as an amateur—photography, wishing to learn pottery, and so forth.

I’m a mother. I’m divorced (happily so, trust me). I have born children of my body and I have children of my heart. I have suffered loss deeply profound that I wish people would talk more about so we all realize we aren’t as alone as we fear.

I’m an advocate for better, stronger laws against abuse, of the protection and services for survivors. Largely because I’m a survivor, but also because I give a damn about people. I’ve experienced it all, starting from childhood to my (thankfully) now-ex-husband. I am hoping to start a series of reels explaining the red flags of abuse, how to recognize them, how to get out if you are in an abusive situation, and what organizations exist to contact for help (if any do exist). Keep an eye out for those when I start posting them!

A link to the ever-in-progress masterlist.

First masterlist, largely anti Danneel posts. (My first true anti Danneel post, highly recommend reading it. I am reworking it.) Second masterlist, more anti Danneel. Third masterlist, assorted posts. The links will be defunct due to changing my Tumblr name. So just switch out rrahuntersblog to lightofraye and it'll work. I'm reworking those too! Bear with me! My first About Me. My second About Me Redux.

[lightofraye]

... dammit.

Nope.

Can't be quiet on this. I gotta speak up.

I've been blogging a bit about male abuse victims. I've been reading articles by legitimate abuse organizations, psychologists, you name it. I've shared some too. Just search for the tag #lightofraye on abuse or #rrahuntersblog on abuse (I'm in the process of changing tags, it just takes a while). I do actual research.

People have been noticing it. Time to time, I'll see an activity on an older blog post I wrote.

Note: I have never professed to be an expert. Never. You can scour my whole blog, I have never once claimed to be one (despite what my haters and detractors say). Not on body language, not on abuse. Merely as an actual survivor and someone from a culture where body language is part of our communication, thus a bit more experienced in it.

I am a layman's expert, as it were. I know more than the average person, but definitely not an expert.

I prefaced this with all that to continue.

Thanks to my venture into Supernatural, into seeing videos, cons and otherwise, posts, interactions, I noticed a lot off between Jensen and Danneel that isn't present between Jared and Genevieve or even between Jensen and Jared (sans certain time periods of their friendship, of course).

Of course, I'm going to hear "It's just banter!" or "If Danneel is abusing Jensen, then I lost total respect for him!" Because... a male victim is... unworthy of defense? I don't... okay.

Look. I've been spending a lot of time tracking down old videos, old interactions between Jensen and Danneel. Looking for old history to make sense of it all. To understand them. To understand her.

Here's a truth that most people don't want to hear, apparently: Men can be victims too.

Allow me to repeat myself: Men can be victims too.

Working men can be victims. Rich men can be victims (shall I point to Brendan Fraser? other victims in Hollywood?). Handsome, wealthy men can be victims.

But oh, "but he controls the money!" Does he? Do you have proof that he has only access to the money? But oh, "She hasn't left the mansion in an age!" That's on Danneel for not being visible. That isn't proof she's being locked in the mansion and not being allowed to be out. Plus, we've seen her at those two poor excuses of One Tree Hill conventions, hanging out after those cons are over with Sophia and I believe Bevan and others....

Her career being dead is on Danneel. Not Jensen. He isn't responsible for her poor reputation. He isn't responsible for her poor acting. He isn't responsible for any of the shows she's tried to be on failing to take off. She can't act, Hollywood sees that, that's why she doesn't have a job.

Her little attempts outside of that? The charity jewelry... honestly pitiful. She still has merchandise remaining and it still hasn't sold out since she started it. A mere $20,000 in how many years? A charity needs more than that to function.

Her modeling for Austin stores? I don't think that had any success either. The places she patronized as a client? No luck with them either. One of them shut down because they couldn't afford the rising costs and her being a "well-known client" for them did jackshit.

Her reputation in Hollywood is sunk. There's a reason why she isn't getting much luck as a producer/investor for One Tree Hill. Sophia and Hilarie aren't doing a great job in getting positive attention for the reboot and the Ackles' name, Chaos Machine Production's name, is doing jackshit.

But oh, right... this was about Jensen as a male victim. In a way this is all tied together. People see Danneel leaving Social Media, they see her barely coming out to the public anymore except for a couple of conventions, maybe a once in blue moon outing, and want to, perhaps, think it's on Jensen that she's barely seen.

Now, if it weren't for watching them interact (most recently being Wales Comic Con) and their history, I'd say you were right! But! And this is a gigantic, huge, BUT! Wales made it painfully clear that Jensen is the one under her control.

She made fun of him. He didn't stop her. She claimed credit for Soldier Boy, despite previous interviews by Jensen saying it had been Kripke that helped him. She put him down, devalued him, even in later statements by him during conventions. Like the David Spade mug thing. "No, but you'll do." She made it clear he was not her first choice in anything. He's stated that she couldn't be impressed by him, despite him repeatedly trying for... how long have they been together? 15 years? Longer, before marriage? What does it take for him to impress her?!

We see tidbits of earlier interviews pre-marriage that showed she has a history of lying, of manipulation. Claiming to be a good Christian girl who won't do nude scenes... and then we see in Ten Inch Hero and other shows that she had zero issue going nude, baring her breasts, imitating sex, and so forth. (Keep in mind, I am very sex positive. I am, however, prepared to call out liars like this!)

We've heard from Jensen how his father treated him growing up. Imagine associating abuse with "I love you" as a child. That'll do it in a heartbeat. That'll mess anyone up. Not to mention the kind of mentality that is in the modeling industry. Being exploited, being made to do uncomfortable shoots. I recall Jensen saying he hated doing the shirtless photoshoots... and he had no choice.

Trust me, children in the modeling industry... and a handsome one to boot... I shudder to imagine what he might've been put through. Even as an adult.

I know the AAs, some Hellers, will be up in arms over this. Painting Jensen as a victim without proof. Well, I pay attention. I watch his interactions, I've listened to how he responds--and doesn't respond. Danneel has said some awful things to him over the years and I've never seen him speak out to her, to stop her. A few "death glares" in defense of her mistreatment to JJ is barely anything. Because it's one thing to defend a child--it's another to defend yourself.

Why does Danneel insist on Jensen always being out of the house? Even when Supernatural ended, when he wanted a whole family vacation throughout Europe, she said fuck no, get another job. That's not love, anon! That's also a woman who has control over him, because he obeyed--again and again. He sought work, networked like a madman, took what he could get to get the fuck out of that house--as she demanded.

He can't please her. He can't satisfy her. He can't stay with her and their children. He can't impress her. She "settled" for him, apparently. She fat shamed him. She put him down. She claimed credit for his success.

This is not the behavior of a male abuser. No... this is the behavior of a male victim.

He can be rich. He can be white. He can be successful. It matters not. Power imbalances exist everywhere. Even rich, successful women can be victims--Angelina Jolie is one. Is she any less of a victim because she works? Because she has money? If your answer is "no", then the flip must be also equally true.

Please educate yourself, anon. Power imbalances can exist in any setting at any time, regardless of who is working, regardless of gender, regardless of... anything.

Jensen is a white, rich, straight, man, living in a country that favors people like him over everything else, he controls the finances of his family, he has a squeaky clean reputation.

he's so strong that he can lift Jared over his head with no trouble.

do you seriously think Danneel has a chance against him? if there's a inbalance of power in that relationship, Jensen is clearly not the one with a disadvantage.

so if there was a problem with their marriage, why should i asume that Jensen is the one being abused? when all evidence suggests that it's most likely to be the other way arround.

i mean, he is the one who gets to go out there to shine and expand his career while she stays behind taking care of the kids, with seamingly no life of her own. for all we know, he could be shamelessly sleeping around and D just having to shut up and endure for the sake of their children.

Why do I have the feeling that an anon that writes awfully like you sporadically comes into my or my mutuals inbox asking the exact same question?

And if that's the case, what's the issue? Are words hard to understand?

But in case it's not, let me provide the answer, prefacing that whatever I write here is pure speculation based on my personal and professional experience.

No he doesn't. Unfortunately for him, Jensen has the reputation his fans let him have. And opinions on him will differ depending on which part of the fandom you are addressing. If his wife wanted to start a rumor, all she would have to do would be to cry wolf. Unfortunately, there are many people that still think like you and fabricating something to tarnish his image, especially coming from the wife, would be super easy. The justice warriors of this world would have a ball defending the poor defenseless damsel from, like you put it, the mean white rich straight man.

Strength, power, money mean nothing in an abusive relationship. Violence is rather a consequence than a form of control (although it can become control later on). I've seen cases in where the abused makes more money than the abuser. I've seen cases in where the abused had more power, did more around the house and the abuser was, in reality, completely dependent on them. Abuse is not black and white, it's an ocean of gray with many specs of many colors.

What is the real key here is how easy the abused is to manipulate. Take someone, for example, who is already somewhat fragile from abused suffered in the past from a parent. Add a few mishaps that make them feel less worthy, uncapable of seeing their real value. And then put them with a narcissist. That person can have all the power in the world, but the narcissist will make them believe they can lose it all in a blink of an eye, and only with the narcissist they can keep it.

It's not about having power. It's about whom the victim believes has the power.

If he held the power in this case, he would be home a lot more frequently to exert said power. If there is something abusers like is to see the fruits of their manipulation. He wouldn't say his wife "runs a tight ship", he would praise himself. He wouldn't call her a strong woman, he would imply he is the strong man. Abusers don't give away power. They take it. They like to be the good strong heroes for their audience.

On the other hand you have a paraphernalia of instances in which she implies he doesn't help at home, he's messy, he didn't cry when his kid was born, she was the one helping him with his acting, etc. All things she says to make herself look good. I'm yet to see a true compliment towards her husband. Most often that not, she is putting him down," playfully". And she would do a lot more if she thought it would stick/not ruin her meal ticket.

Furthermore, if she was the victim, she would not make jokes at the abuser's expense, for fear of retaliation. She wouldn't initiate contact, she wouldn't try to touch him or kiss him.

He's the one who gets to... Probably run.

She stays behind "taking care of the kids"... do you count ordering nannies around to take care of the kids? And she does have a line of her own. She did "charity", initiated a jewelry line, became the "power producer"... The thing is, she's incompetent. All she touches turns to shit. Her lack of a life is not due to her husband, she only has herself to blame. Besides, she's not alone. She made sure to surround herself with people she trusted while simultaneously trying to drive him away from the people he trusted.

And maybe she isn't the one having to shut up for the sake of the kids. There are two parents in this equation, did you forget? She could be staying for the kids, but so could he.

Anyway, there's a lot more but my time and patience are limited.