#lightofraye on abuse

[lightofraye]

That's Not Strength

Note: I discuss/describe emotional and mental abuse noted here. Some people may not like me doing this or may not be aware that I talk about this. It does involve Jensen Ackles and my speculation about his marriage.

Some fans find this as... being anti Jensen. I am not. I am a strong supporter of his. You may disagree, which is fine.

Now to my post.

I hadn't had a chance to listen to the full gold panel. My life is busy and Sundays is usually my busiest with getting ready for the work week. (Which makes it sad, because I love watching the boys banter and answer questions.)

However, a follower made a point of a timestamp and I listened to it. And my heart dropped.

Jensen goes at length about how he engages some arguments and disengages from others. When he mentions reactionary, I can't help but wonder.

In an argument, you should never feel reactionary unless something is happening to trigger you. Defensive? Why is he feeling defensive? Unless Danneel is attacking him left and right and he's forced to not to bother to defend himself because he knows from past experience that she'll never back down and accept a loss in a fight.

What's noteworthy is his usage of "flight". He couldn't have said "Some arguments I just don't find worthwhile and I walk away". Flight is not a common term to use in a discussion, if at all, unless referencing fleeing an argument that is abusive.

The fact he had to call Danneel "a strong woman" is once again propping her up when she's demonstrated signs of being an emotional abuser, one who constantly puts down her husband, never praises him, and takes all the rewards for his hard work without having earned it herself.

There's a difference between deciding some arguments aren't worth it and conceding the other side, and deciding to flee/flight an argument because you know you'll never win.

Classic emotional abuser/victim.

It mirrored what I went through with my ex-husband. I knew there was zero point in having an argument with him and I'd just fawn, letting him win. Several others that I've spoken to after watching that answer also concur: that's not a normal/healthy dynamic.

He strokes Danneel's ego while putting himself down and reveals more than he realizes.

Starts at around 18:25 in the gold panel. Or use this post for the precise moment if it's easier.

[lightofraye]

To add: It's likely you may never be done healing. That too is okay. There may be moments that something triggers you (using the proper term here, not what so many end up misusing) and you'll be crashing all over again.

That is normal.

That is okay.

Healing is a journey. There'll never be a destination because life itself doesn't have a destination.

It's the journey.

It’s okay if you thought you were over it but it hits you all over again.

It’s okay to fall apart even after you had it under control.

You are not weak. Healing is messy. And there is no timeline for healing.

From my book "A Survivor's Guilt."

[hologramcowboy]

Hi i wanted to say i love your blogs, and i have a question. First of all i've recently been reading all posts about danneel being bad to jensen and all of that, and honestly i can see it but it doesn't really convince me i mean when i see videos of them together it looks a normal relationship to me. So why are you so certain that their relationship is toxic? Just curious

@lightofraye Do you want to take this one?

From my end, I’ll just say they’ve always had zero chemistry and almost everything Jensen says about his spouse is a red flag. I’ve also seen Danneel devalue Jensen over and over again, that’s abuse and whoever denies that is merely an enabler.

[maybegossips]

Ok gang, how are we slotting that into the narrative?

Since it was on January 2nd, I’ll go for tickets given and networking + it was the holidays.

sometimes people make efforts to be around others at that time of year.

edit: saw a comment from @lightofraye saying he might be in honeymoon phase of abusive relationship. It ticks with "this is xmas" ( and all feelings it entails ) that is my theory.

[lightofraye]

I spent all day working on this response, since yesterday. I was actually asked by @themoodyestj if she could respond to that ask… because it was very clearly and loudly referring to me. She didn’t have to. It’s her blog. She could’ve deleted and I would have been none the wiser. Or responded regardless. But she wanted to be sure I’d be okay with it. It was a kindness I did not expect.

The anon is clearly referring to my history that I’ve openly spoken about probably since I started my blog. I’m not ashamed of my history of a survivor of abuse and I won’t let an anon make me feel as such.

So what brought on this sudden and savage hate? Only thing I could think of recently was a statement—an opinion—about the J2 wives and who was tokenizing the kids more.

I brought up some moments that had been mentioned by fans who attended Wales Comic Con and cited them. Then an opinion of mine.

I believe that was largely it.

The hate, the vitriol, that has been leveraged against me since I started writing on my speculation of the Ackles marriage, my perspective of what I feel is going on, has been breathtaking since I started in… April? Maybe May?

I’ve received death threats. I’ve endured threats of violence, both in anon asks and publicly on blogs (I have those screenshots too). Worst of all, I’ve had an anon say that I deserve to lose my son (and to paraphrase said anon, “that’s if he’s actually real”).

In response to said anons’ behavior, I took away their anonymity. It was a privilege, not a right. In response, they’ve gone to other blogs in hopes I’d respond. I had done so before and realized that was an error. So I stopped.

I maintained boundaries. I keep to my tiny corner of Tumblr and I write. I share funny things. I came up with cool ideas—my almost daily music choices and Supernatural memes for the days, currently having fun with Supernatural Halloween and 12 Days of Halloween Music. I occasionally share photos. I talk about cats. I make posts about family.

Then my real passion: sharing and educating on abuse, as so many are unaware that they shouldn’t endure such mistreatment in the name of love.

These posts are frequently heavily researched, not using some minor personal blog but legitimate sites on abuse, on psychology, and I’ve taken to citing them in the post itself or at the end with link references.

I don’t pull knowledge out of the ether. I research. That’s my background, that’s my passion, and hell, being a paralegal is largely doing research to back up citations in legal arguments.

It’s why it takes me a while to write posts on it. Because I research. And because it can be painful as I read and reconfirm all the hell I’ve been through was in fact… abuse.

As for the claim of “go do something”… what makes you think I don’t? I’ve made passing mentions of things I’ve done in the past. I was recently summoned to testify to an abuse case. I’ve helped throw out an abuser in my daughter’s life two years ago.

There’s more, but guess what? I’m not here to brag. Bragging is gross. It’s an unnecessary ego stroke. I let my actions speak for themselves.

Sadly… I pity this anon. I pity others like them. How empty their lives must be that they feel threatened by someone writing an opinion, speculation, on a celebrity marriage? Or express a dislike of a headcanon? Or a small time former celebrity? Then attack so viciously that had they said this to me in person with witnesses, I could probably secure a restraining order, bare minimum.

How empty is your life, anon? That you behave like this. That other people have gotten equally rude or worse messages… because we collaborate? That we reblog and laugh or facepalm? That they’ve had to delete and block… because the hate is so vicious and unhinged.

I know there are some who say I made up the abuse for clicks (why? Tumblr isn’t monetized). For attention. For… whatever. That my daughter is in fact imaginary and fake. That I’m a creepy psycho for wanting to see Jensen Ackles as a human being as opposed to a Ken doll.

I could go into detail about the abuse I’ve experienced. It still wouldn’t convince the anons. They want, apparently, to have that hate to feel good about themselves. To feel useful. To give their lives meaning.

I pity anons like this. All they have is their hate—be it against me, against Jared, and yes, even Jensen.

I’ve had people say I’m “too kind”. Even too forgiving. Maybe so… but the opposite is this anon, angry and bitter and hateful.

I’d rather show kindness, love, compassion and yes, knowledge to highlight abuse—because if it can help one person, then I’m happy.

Go in peace, anon. I hope you find it.

To all my readers...

I'm usually not much of a speech person (although I write quite a lot) but today I got this ask:

See, this Anon wasn't addressing me. They were addressing one of my mutuals that they think is me. A mutual who was brave enough to share their story of abuse. A mutual who this Anon felt entitled to harrass, using a very painful period of their live, for the sake of what? Apparently Danneel Ackles. Well, one thing I know for sure. Even if just for the sake of image, Danneel Ackles wouldn't touch this Anon with a ten feet pole. Much less her husband. There is no way this disgusting behaviour is justifiable.

WEAPONIZING ABUSE IS NOT OK.

I know that the normal route of things is to delete and block. Nobody wants to see this ugliness. Some people have closed their Anon asks altogether.

Well, I believe this behavior is shameful and exceeds what I would call delulu behavior. This is evil. This is zero respect for the human condition. And it needs to be called out.

I ask the AAs and Hellers of this Tumblr, do you claim this as yours? Do you condone to this type of behavior? Do you find it justifiable? And to my readers and mutuals, if you are disgusted by this as much as I am, I ask you to reblog with #againstweaponizingabuse and/or #supportingabusevictims. Let's expose this once and for all.

[lightofraye]

Ten Years

I forgot to share this yesterday.

Officially divorced for nine years, left the ex-husband ten years ago.

It's still emotionally an enormous thing. A scary thing. I will never forget grabbing my infant son, just freshly turned one years old, and what I could of my possessions and fleeing to a domestic violence shelter.

I'm still kicking. I'm still fighting. I'm tip-toeing with each step, being very cautious in my moves against him--because I have to. It all has to be above-board, all legal (unlike his bullshit, dear gods), and all has to be done with extreme care so that when the victory comes, there's nothing he can do about it.

I'm the turtle in this race.

Remember though, in that story: The turtle won.

And I will win.

I've gotten this far. Each move he had tried against me has failed. Oh, he's gotten some minor victories, small battles, but I am moving to win. In this game of chess, losing the pawns isn't a problem. They're a sacrifice that is acceptable.

I'm the Queen, powerful, plotting moves across the board. The King... as reluctant as I am to call my ex-husband the King... that's what he is in the game.

I don't like to compare the ongoing issue against my ex-husband as a game, but it helps to view it as a form of gamification. I have to be careful with my moves, surrendering in smaller battles to win the bigger victory.

It's been ten years. In those ten years, my ex-husband has been persistent. Abusers don't like to lose, you see... and frequently will escalate into increasing violence against the ones who escape. Or find other ways to torment and otherwise continue to be a problem to the victims.

During the first several years after I left my ex-husband, he actually assaulted, strangled, and "criminally confined" a woman he was dating in his apartment. Guess what his punishment was? Probation and anger management.

Despite having had other criminal misdeeds, that's all the courts gave him. That alone emphasized why I couldn't tell him I wanted to divorce in person, face to face. To this day, he still insists I could've just told him and he'd let me go.

Uh huh.

I continue to have personal battles against him, in the courts. The largest reason being I want to move out of state--there's a better state that has all the resources my son needs. That I need. That my daughter needs.

But I can't leave without his "permission" (we share joint custody right now). If he says 'no' and the courts agree with him, I'm screwed. Yet I'm determined.

It's been ten years. If anything, I'm stronger than I was when I first met my ex-husband. Meanwhile, he's been reduced, frustrated.

I will win.

Knowledge is my strength. I research the crap out of everything. I use my paralegal background to ensure I'm picking the best solutions. In order to leave, I have to demonstrate everything I need to the judge. Research, information, whatever I need.

Ten years.

I'll keep fighting the rest of my life if I have to. The abusers in my life have all tried to break me, crush me, destroy me. They tried to turn me dark, bitter, full of rage and hate like them.

Here I am, ten years later, refusing to let that happen. I will be the loving mother for my children. I will be a kind, gentle person, sharing light and love, because I won't let them break me.

All survivors of domestic violence are kintsugi. We are more beautiful after having been shattered and rebuilt.

Ten years.

I'm still standing.

[lightofraye]

This, in a nutshell, is another reason why there's a difference between bantering and emotional abuse.

[lightofraye]

I’ve Been Summoned

Well… this week has turned into an interesting one. Yesterday, after work, I was opting to do an errand. But as I headed that way, my daughter rang me. Given she wasn’t the type to call unless urgent, I answered.

“You need to come home.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Her: “There’s someone from CPS and they have legal paperwork. They said they wanted to talk to you.”

My eyes widened. Child Protective Services wanted to talk to me? What?

I canceled the errand, turned the car around, and headed home. The whole drive home, I was worried. It couldn’t have been for me—my ex-husband had been incredibly quiet on that front, though he has a history of making false reports on me. And my former mother-in-law.

When I got home, I got there about 10 minutes before the process server returned. I waited for her outside, enjoying the nice weather. She immediately greeted me and I confirmed my identity.

Then the revelation: I was being summoned to testify in court. Months ago, I helped a neighborhood teenage girl after she was assaulted by her father. She had come to my house, in the dark, sans her necessary glasses, and managed to find help in my home.

I remember it fairly vividly too. Spent almost two hours juggling between helping the girl, calling the police, checking on her in the ambulance when it arrived, and talking long distance with her mother.

It seemed CPS now officially wants to take the kids away from the father and needs witnesses, proof, to terminate parental rights.

I looked at my daughter and said, “Hell yes, I’ll go.”

I’m never going to forget how that poor girl looked in the light of my porch, the blood trickling down from the corner of her mouth. She had been so terrified, so much so she didn’t want to bring danger into my home just by taking shelter.

I remember telling her she had nothing to worry about. If her father found her in my home and tried to become violent, he was in for a rude awakening. Her safety came first.

I did it before. I’d do it again.

I will speak up on any abuse I see.

I won’t let it stay hidden in the darkness.

[lightofraye]

The Aftermath

So... I went to the hearing this morning. I was on time, prepared. I dressed as nicely as I could with an earthy green blouse, black slacks, my hair nicely done, makeup on. I wanted to present the image of a woman who was a concerned neighbor--which I was.

I get there, managed to meet the CPS attorney and we spoke for a few minutes. He said the abuser in question was reviewing stipulations that the CPS attorney drafted. I quirked a brow and went, "Wait, what?"

Stipulations such as therapy, counseling for the family as a whole, other resources, all intended to keep the family united. I swallowed hard; abusers rarely change. They just get better at hiding their violence, make it harder for the victims to escape.

But what could I do? I'm just a witness. I can't advise against it.

The only reassurance was that after frequent check-ups (every 3 months), if they find it's still not working, then they'd intervene and terminate parental rights.

I sighed, nodded.

I went back to the outside of the courtroom, sat down, and browsed my Tumblr for over an hour, waiting. There were others who were also summoned, but I didn't bother to introduce myself. Just browsed, chatted with my family via Messenger, and kept an eye out on the courtroom.

Then I saw him. The abuser. He stalked right out, looking furious. I don't think he saw me. He was too focused on leaving. Then the attorney came out, said we weren't needed. The stipulations were agreed upon.

I nodded, took a moment to do early voting (it was in the same area, I might as well!), and then headed home.

For now, my duty is done. I only hope that the girl and her siblings are safe. That the abuser will take it seriously, but... I truly doubt it.

While I'm still in this area, I will definitely keep an eye out. An ear. We'll see how it goes... and hope that he--the abuser--takes this as a learning lesson.

In a weird twist, just a few days ago, two years ago, I had kicked my DIL's abuser out of my house. I was firm on it. The abuser had the audacity to go after my daughter in front of my son. They scared my son. He felt unsafe.

That alone made me determine that they had to leave. I was prepared to do it legally--eviction notice, made sure the laws were behind me. The abuser found out, threatened to leave and I was all "Fine. Go." Then they tried to make it sound like they couldn't get a taxi to the shelter I directed them to. Me: "I'll pay. Get out."

They hoped their tears would break me. They were wrong.

I was out $200 for that taxi. It was worth every penny. My DIL was grateful, though she had a lot of anxiety for a while, which was understandable.

Through her I had a lovely compliment. She said I was one of few people that could be given the label "mama bear" and meant it.

I shrugged.

Where I love, I protect.

And I will not sit idly by if someone needs help. Even if I'm scared or anxious for my own safety.

Hopefully the abuser in my town is aware of it now. He has a lot of kids, and that has me concerned.

All I can do now... is wait. And see.

And live my life.

[lightofraye]

Found on Twitter.

[lightofraye]

[lightofraye]

The Complexities of Abuse

One of the most complicated issues about abuse is how black and white it is frequently viewed. We'd like to think that we would never allow ourselves to be harmed in such a manner—be it physical or otherwise. We'd like to think that if our abuser started to harm us, we'd stop loving them and desiring their presence in our lives.

In every case, we'd be wrong. Not all of us are fighters; more often than not, we can't really dictate how we'd react. When such incidents happen, our brains lock up and we react on instinct. And when it comes to our feelings... Sometimes we can't even control that.

We are multilayered beings. One section of our brain may be focused on survival at all times—making sure we're hydrated, that we're fed, that we are feeling all right. Another may be dedicated to the basic necessities of life—work, paying bills, do we have enough gas for the commute, and so forth. Another may be focused on our loved ones—and our situation with them. Our friends, our pets. We contain multitudes, we are contradictions, we are hypocritical.

And we love our abusers even when it may not be wise to do so.

I speak from experience. It took me years to stop missing my ex-husband, to stop reacting when he used a similar endearment for his fiancée that he once used on me. To stopcaring about him. He hurt me in so many ways, in ways that no one even knows about outside of a few. And yet... I loved him.

You can love your abuser. You can hate your abuser. Both can co-exist at the same time.

Why did I bring this up? My daughter asked me to.

You see, a few weeks ago, she received news that devastated her. Someone she once loved, someone who once abused her, had passed away. She was a mix of emotions. Her spouse, my daughter-in-law, let me know privately while I was work, largely so I'd know and understand why my daughter was out of sorts when I got home. I understood at once just what she was feeling.

When I got home, she was definitely 'off'. I let it be, let her be herself, let her feel. Then my daughter came over to me, laid her head on my shoulder, and just broke down into tears. My heart ached and I comforted her as she cried. When she cried herself out, we talked.

At one point, I told her it was okay to feel contradictory emotions. It was okay to feel happy he was dead; it was okay to feel devastated that he was dead. She turned teary eyes on me and trembled, "But I don't feel happy he's gone. Is that bad?"

Instantly, I answered, "No. It's okay to be devastated. Even though he hurt you, it's absolutely okay to be upset, sad."

She loved him, you see.

Oh, it was a toxic relationship. He'd groomed her when she was underage, and when she was considered legally an adult, he took her into a relationship. Made her a step-mother to his children, whom she adored. They were together for several years.

She loved him.

He, presumably, in his own way... loved her too. And he abused her.

It's a complex mess. We are contradictory. We are hypocrites. We exist in multitudes, multilayers. We love, and we hate to love.

I don't know how I'll feel when my ex-husband passes away (presumably he'll pass before I do; it's a miracle he's still alive, to be honest, with his assorted health issues and blase attitude about them). Would I be relieved? Would I be overjoyed? Would I cry and grieve and hate that I'm not happy he's gone?

It may be I'll feel all of that and then some.

When we talked about it, I recall her turning to me and saying something along the lines of, "Write that."

Me, oh-so-intelligently: "Huh?"

Her: "Write that."

I remember looking at her, wanting to respect her privacy, her life. I barely touch on the stories of her life, the story of my daughter-in-law's, precisely because it's not mine to share. I can ask, and if they say 'no', I don't.

But she wanted me to talk about it. Because it is complex. Because it is never as simple as "I would never do that!" and "If they hurt me, I could stop loving them!"

Could you? Could you really? When there are so many cases, stories, out there in the wild, in the world, in Hollywood, where celebrities of the worst kind are still supported and adored, their crimes swept under the rug? Where none had ever apologized, changed for the better?

When we have so many personal stories, known by friend of the friend, extended family stories, where the victim/survivor stayed... because they loved their abuser?

One of the hardest things to do in this world is to be aware of such abuse happening to someone you care about and being utterly powerless to help them, save them... Because they aren't ready. Because the love was still stronger than the fear; or the fear was so intricately connected to that love, it was hard to tell the difference.

Because in the end, the only one who could save themselves... Is themselves. All we can do is offer that love, support, and be there when it happens... If it happens.

I don't blame my daughter for being grief-stricken. I don't judge her over that either.

We need to acknowledge that it's complicated. That we will experience a multitude of emotions that don't always make sense.

Grieve the loss of life. Miss the love.

Then... Let it go.

[lightofraye]

Massive trigger/content warning here: this mentions r*pe. It's also meant as an educational moment, so it's a bitter pill. This young woman is describing an event that happened, how the justice system failed her (and so many others), and how very America brushes it off as a whole.

Sadly, despite Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and other cop procedural shows, it is false. No, there is no special department dedicated to investigating r*pes. Very rarely do cops take it seriously at all! The victim--frequently a woman--is shamed, asked if she tried to fight back, if she led the man on, if... you name it. If it's a man? Oh good luck of finding a cop taking it seriously at all.

We have a massive backlog of r*pe kits that were never tested at all. When there were a few mayors or governors who got elected and forced those tests to be run? Many were repeat offenders! Many were people known to the victim! (Stranger r*pe is rare, it does happen, but you're more likely to know the person--be it as an acquaintance, a former partner, coworker, your neighbor, the repairman your landlord sent... It's rare for someone to just randomly grab a person off the street, r*pe them, and leave.)

So... onto the tweets that I want to share.

My heart breaks for this young woman. That her r*pist still walks free despite his numerous repeat crimes... is horrific. That the judge dismissed her like that. A protective order is a joke. A piece of paper cannot shield someone from a physical attack. Police are too slow, and there may not be enough to respond to a sudden call of "My r*pist is breaking in!" (Ask me how I know that personally.)

When police aren't on calls to check something, I see them far too often just sitting there doing speed traps--which, yes, an issue, but leaving unsolved crimes like r*pe alone? Ignoring the victims, dismissing them, revictimizing them again and again because god forbid a person like sex?! (No, not saying r*pe is sex, I mean "slut shaming". Cops have been known to imply the victim not being a virgin deserved what happened.)

I'm a r*pe survivor. My mother was a r*pe survivor--her own attacker was my father. I have skeletons in my family closet that horrify me, piss me off, because it seemed my extended family would prefer to hide such "shame" and pretend these people were 'great people' instead of horrible people. This happens in a lot of families.

This heavily relates to abuse. How we treat abuse. How people view abusers, those who knew them personally and those who were abused by them. How society seems to dismiss abuse, brush it off, imply it wasn't "meant like that".

I commend this young woman for speaking up. For not letting fear and the incompetence of our justice system stop her from trying to stop her r*pist.

I only wish more could be done.

[lightofraye]

Oh god

I was browsing Twitter when I came across my favorite Twitter, Ask Aubry. They post a lot of stuff about trashy behavior (largely male, but they will share female and other bad behavior). They scour Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, others, and came across this particularly horrifying story on Reddit.

Massive, and I do mean massive trigger warning. This boyfriend's attitude is horrific and I'm heartbroken by the girlfriend's reasoning for going back to him.

The chances of homicide jumps highest when there's pregnancy involved. The fact he openly said he could hurt her and said she's "lucky"... just my god.

I scoured the comments and found a response by the original poster, the girlfriend, and learned that she's scared to be alone, which is why she might go back. I saw someone comment to her and truly hope she takes the comment to heart.

We all need to learn how to handle being alone. Relationships should be happening because we love and care for them, not to avoid feeling alone.

God, I hope she escapes and survives.

[lightofraye]

The Hearing Tomorrow

Last week, I posted about how i received a summons to testify in court. In the following days, I spoke with the attorney for Child Protective Services (CPS) and shared what I recalled in full with him. I tried to recall all the details that happened, the order of events and everything that happened.

The attorney was rather pleased by my recitation. Something about "excited utterance" and how my testimony would come across as an emotional story, not one indicative of hearsay. I took him at his word about that.

I'm anxious though.

I know the abuser. It didn't hit me until during the discussion, and I pulled up my Facebook, turned to my daughter-in-law (who happened to come in the phone call--I had the attorney on speaker) and went. "Oh shit. I know him."

You see... the father, the abuser, was someone who lived within my town limits. My itty-bitty town has less than 400 people. We don't even have a freakin' gas station! (Though, amazingly, we have a post office and a library.) More, he lived a street away... and behind me.

We met twice. Both times when I posted in the town's Facebook group asking for help with my car. (Both times, tires. What is it with me and flats?) Both times, his... wife? partner? girlfriend?... responded and offered to have him help.

Both times he was absolutely flakey and unreliable to boot. I'm still waiting for the second round of assistance and I paid! Ugh. I didn't make the connection with the name until the attorney mentioned a few details that made me sit back and go "Wait..."

Now I'm doubly concerned what will happen. Because he knows where I live.

And yet... I'll go. I'll testify. I want to protect that girl and her siblings (three others are listed in the case to be removed if CPS prevails). No one deserves to be beaten, to be choked, punched, and nearly have their ribs broken.

My employer is aware. I took tomorrow off and explained why. Both of my supervisors are encouraging and supportive, appreciating my willingness to step forward.

My family is supportive, of course. We're prepared, if violence does occur.

I have an outfit picked out, plan on looking presentable. The attorney sent me a kind of outline to review how he'd proceed, just to prepare me.

All I can do now is wait... and in about fifteen hours, I'll be in court.

[lightofraye]

Abuse And Love?

I saw this on Pinterest and someone said "Yeah, they loved each other" and quite a few started arguing about "That isn't love, she abused him!" and so forth.

No. You can still love the person who abused you. It isn't 24/7, the abuse. At times, the abuser genuinely appears to love you, and it messes with one's perception, one's mind, and one's heart. We get confused, wonder if we're imagining the bad things or the good things. It's very gaslighty.

This is why it's hard to break the abusive relationship... because the love is there. It may be a corrupted version of love, but it's still love. You can love your abuser... even when they're hurting you.

Sam appeared to love Ruby, and somewhere, deep down, she probably loved him too. She turned her back on Sam to face Dean, thinking Sam wouldn't help Dean kill her. She was wrong.

It was love. It was abuse.

It's can be both.