#lightofraye on abuse

[lightofraye]

Dear gods, yes.

[lightofraye]

To add: It's likely you may never be done healing. That too is okay. There may be moments that something triggers you (using the proper term here, not what so many end up misusing) and you'll be crashing all over again.

That is normal.

That is okay.

Healing is a journey. There'll never be a destination because life itself doesn't have a destination.

It's the journey.

It’s okay if you thought you were over it but it hits you all over again.

It’s okay to fall apart even after you had it under control.

You are not weak. Healing is messy. And there is no timeline for healing.

From my book "A Survivor's Guilt."

[impal4ckles]

I love that more and more people are stating to hate Danneel. That girl has BEEN shady and I’m shocked it’s taken this long for people to see it….

@lightofraye has a post that makes it accessible and easy to see her behaviour and actions towards not only Jensen but also people in general. It allows us to make up our own minds on it but if anyone can come out of reading her post still a fan of Da-snoozefest then maybe they should reflect on why they support an evident bitch and abuser

[hologramcowboy]

Hi i wanted to say i love your blogs, and i have a question. First of all i've recently been reading all posts about danneel being bad to jensen and all of that, and honestly i can see it but it doesn't really convince me i mean when i see videos of them together it looks a normal relationship to me. So why are you so certain that their relationship is toxic? Just curious

@lightofraye Do you want to take this one?

From my end, I’ll just say they’ve always had zero chemistry and almost everything Jensen says about his spouse is a red flag. I’ve also seen Danneel devalue Jensen over and over again, that’s abuse and whoever denies that is merely an enabler.

[maybegossips]

Ok gang, how are we slotting that into the narrative?

Since it was on January 2nd, I’ll go for tickets given and networking + it was the holidays.

sometimes people make efforts to be around others at that time of year.

edit: saw a comment from @lightofraye saying he might be in honeymoon phase of abusive relationship. It ticks with "this is xmas" ( and all feelings it entails ) that is my theory.

[exposingthecoolgang]

Hello!!! This will be the blog that you can go to, to find all things dissecting and disapproving lies and misinformation spread around about Danneel Ackles. For my first post I want to talk about something that lightofraye originally brought to people’s attention, which is this picture.

I can not remember whose account posted this but as you can see at the bottom lightofraye shared it with them. Now, miss “bi leaning” Lightofraye, you should’ve done as much research you claim to do on abuse as you did this, because that? That is fake.

This is the real photo.

Which you can find on Pinterest by putting the fake one in to search for it.

Exhibit a : you can see how that is the real one because the one they think is real, has lighter black marker marks around the sides of the writing and the black line is not as thick. Exhibit b: Jensen is smiling in the first picture whereas he’s not in the real one, and if you look very closely Jensen isn’t wearing his wedding ring in the first one when he is in the real picture. You could use the excuse “he could’ve taken it off to take the picture” yes, but he didn’t because it’s fake. You don’t get much time at all during photo ops. You show them your pose, you do the pose, they take the picture and then you leave. Jensen is not deliberately wasting what already little time they have by taking his wedding ring off for a photo op.

exhibit c : If any of that still doesn’t prove my point how it’s fake you can also see how in both pictures they are posed the exact same way, hand placements, fingers placements and photo/drawing placements are all the exact same.

Seeing as raye brought the fake to her cults attention, it has gotten around and people seem to believe it’s real. Example :

“It doesn’t fit in with the happy family image he’s trying so hard to find” maybe because the photo isn’t real and they were really holding up a “We 💜 Danneel” sign!!! This is why I urge EVERYONE to do research of their own because misconceptions are all over social media and anyone can change anything. This is my first of many posts to explain and show how wrong “the cool gang cult” is.

[lightofraye]

Now this sounds familiar in so many ways….

[lightofraye]

If The Narcissist Was Honest

I love this guy's video. He shows how communication problems create problems and interpreting point of views. He also does videos on narcissists and this one came across my feed on Facebook. It's so apt, so perfect, in explaining how Danneel latched onto Jensen and why he's struggling in the marriage.

[lightofraye]

That's Not Strength

Note: I discuss/describe emotional and mental abuse noted here. Some people may not like me doing this or may not be aware that I talk about this. It does involve Jensen Ackles and my speculation about his marriage.

Some fans find this as... being anti Jensen. I am not. I am a strong supporter of his. You may disagree, which is fine.

Now to my post.

I hadn't had a chance to listen to the full gold panel. My life is busy and Sundays is usually my busiest with getting ready for the work week. (Which makes it sad, because I love watching the boys banter and answer questions.)

However, a follower made a point of a timestamp and I listened to it. And my heart dropped.

Jensen goes at length about how he engages some arguments and disengages from others. When he mentions reactionary, I can't help but wonder.

In an argument, you should never feel reactionary unless something is happening to trigger you. Defensive? Why is he feeling defensive? Unless Danneel is attacking him left and right and he's forced to not to bother to defend himself because he knows from past experience that she'll never back down and accept a loss in a fight.

What's noteworthy is his usage of "flight". He couldn't have said "Some arguments I just don't find worthwhile and I walk away". Flight is not a common term to use in a discussion, if at all, unless referencing fleeing an argument that is abusive.

The fact he had to call Danneel "a strong woman" is once again propping her up when she's demonstrated signs of being an emotional abuser, one who constantly puts down her husband, never praises him, and takes all the rewards for his hard work without having earned it herself.

There's a difference between deciding some arguments aren't worth it and conceding the other side, and deciding to flee/flight an argument because you know you'll never win.

Classic emotional abuser/victim.

It mirrored what I went through with my ex-husband. I knew there was zero point in having an argument with him and I'd just fawn, letting him win. Several others that I've spoken to after watching that answer also concur: that's not a normal/healthy dynamic.

He strokes Danneel's ego while putting himself down and reveals more than he realizes.

Starts at around 18:25 in the gold panel. Or use this post for the precise moment if it's easier.

[lightofraye]

Ten Years

I forgot to share this yesterday.

Officially divorced for nine years, left the ex-husband ten years ago.

It's still emotionally an enormous thing. A scary thing. I will never forget grabbing my infant son, just freshly turned one years old, and what I could of my possessions and fleeing to a domestic violence shelter.

I'm still kicking. I'm still fighting. I'm tip-toeing with each step, being very cautious in my moves against him--because I have to. It all has to be above-board, all legal (unlike his bullshit, dear gods), and all has to be done with extreme care so that when the victory comes, there's nothing he can do about it.

I'm the turtle in this race.

Remember though, in that story: The turtle won.

And I will win.

I've gotten this far. Each move he had tried against me has failed. Oh, he's gotten some minor victories, small battles, but I am moving to win. In this game of chess, losing the pawns isn't a problem. They're a sacrifice that is acceptable.

I'm the Queen, powerful, plotting moves across the board. The King... as reluctant as I am to call my ex-husband the King... that's what he is in the game.

I don't like to compare the ongoing issue against my ex-husband as a game, but it helps to view it as a form of gamification. I have to be careful with my moves, surrendering in smaller battles to win the bigger victory.

It's been ten years. In those ten years, my ex-husband has been persistent. Abusers don't like to lose, you see... and frequently will escalate into increasing violence against the ones who escape. Or find other ways to torment and otherwise continue to be a problem to the victims.

During the first several years after I left my ex-husband, he actually assaulted, strangled, and "criminally confined" a woman he was dating in his apartment. Guess what his punishment was? Probation and anger management.

Despite having had other criminal misdeeds, that's all the courts gave him. That alone emphasized why I couldn't tell him I wanted to divorce in person, face to face. To this day, he still insists I could've just told him and he'd let me go.

Uh huh.

I continue to have personal battles against him, in the courts. The largest reason being I want to move out of state--there's a better state that has all the resources my son needs. That I need. That my daughter needs.

But I can't leave without his "permission" (we share joint custody right now). If he says 'no' and the courts agree with him, I'm screwed. Yet I'm determined.

It's been ten years. If anything, I'm stronger than I was when I first met my ex-husband. Meanwhile, he's been reduced, frustrated.

I will win.

Knowledge is my strength. I research the crap out of everything. I use my paralegal background to ensure I'm picking the best solutions. In order to leave, I have to demonstrate everything I need to the judge. Research, information, whatever I need.

Ten years.

I'll keep fighting the rest of my life if I have to. The abusers in my life have all tried to break me, crush me, destroy me. They tried to turn me dark, bitter, full of rage and hate like them.

Here I am, ten years later, refusing to let that happen. I will be the loving mother for my children. I will be a kind, gentle person, sharing light and love, because I won't let them break me.

All survivors of domestic violence are kintsugi. We are more beautiful after having been shattered and rebuilt.

Ten years.

I'm still standing.

[lightofraye]

This, in a nutshell, is another reason why there's a difference between bantering and emotional abuse.

[lightofraye]

I’ve Been Summoned

Well… this week has turned into an interesting one. Yesterday, after work, I was opting to do an errand. But as I headed that way, my daughter rang me. Given she wasn’t the type to call unless urgent, I answered.

“You need to come home.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Her: “There’s someone from CPS and they have legal paperwork. They said they wanted to talk to you.”

My eyes widened. Child Protective Services wanted to talk to me? What?

I canceled the errand, turned the car around, and headed home. The whole drive home, I was worried. It couldn’t have been for me—my ex-husband had been incredibly quiet on that front, though he has a history of making false reports on me. And my former mother-in-law.

When I got home, I got there about 10 minutes before the process server returned. I waited for her outside, enjoying the nice weather. She immediately greeted me and I confirmed my identity.

Then the revelation: I was being summoned to testify in court. Months ago, I helped a neighborhood teenage girl after she was assaulted by her father. She had come to my house, in the dark, sans her necessary glasses, and managed to find help in my home.

I remember it fairly vividly too. Spent almost two hours juggling between helping the girl, calling the police, checking on her in the ambulance when it arrived, and talking long distance with her mother.

It seemed CPS now officially wants to take the kids away from the father and needs witnesses, proof, to terminate parental rights.

I looked at my daughter and said, “Hell yes, I’ll go.”

I’m never going to forget how that poor girl looked in the light of my porch, the blood trickling down from the corner of her mouth. She had been so terrified, so much so she didn’t want to bring danger into my home just by taking shelter.

I remember telling her she had nothing to worry about. If her father found her in my home and tried to become violent, he was in for a rude awakening. Her safety came first.

I did it before. I’d do it again.

I will speak up on any abuse I see.

I won’t let it stay hidden in the darkness.

[not0interested1]

I also read that @lightofraye about the abuse if those characters. My thoughts ran not only to physical abuse but potentially sexual abuse. In addition, the statement involving the older ladies was also about the WAY he was going to be having “sex”. It was abusive and degrading, which is in line with SB’s character.

https://www.tumblr.com/walkergirlsposts/776649496148000768/httpswwwtumblrcomwalkergirlsposts77660469655

“as a self-respecting human being, I can't do this. I didn't know where my line was, but you found it."

This is a wild/completely disrespectful to say and is also pretty ageist. Like imagine being that older actress and seeing him say THIS was his reaction when Kripke asked him to do a sex scene with someone her age…

You know, I never looked at it that way!! But of course, AAs - aww, he's sooooo respectful. Lol

[lightofraye]

The Aftermath

So... I went to the hearing this morning. I was on time, prepared. I dressed as nicely as I could with an earthy green blouse, black slacks, my hair nicely done, makeup on. I wanted to present the image of a woman who was a concerned neighbor--which I was.

I get there, managed to meet the CPS attorney and we spoke for a few minutes. He said the abuser in question was reviewing stipulations that the CPS attorney drafted. I quirked a brow and went, "Wait, what?"

Stipulations such as therapy, counseling for the family as a whole, other resources, all intended to keep the family united. I swallowed hard; abusers rarely change. They just get better at hiding their violence, make it harder for the victims to escape.

But what could I do? I'm just a witness. I can't advise against it.

The only reassurance was that after frequent check-ups (every 3 months), if they find it's still not working, then they'd intervene and terminate parental rights.

I sighed, nodded.

I went back to the outside of the courtroom, sat down, and browsed my Tumblr for over an hour, waiting. There were others who were also summoned, but I didn't bother to introduce myself. Just browsed, chatted with my family via Messenger, and kept an eye out on the courtroom.

Then I saw him. The abuser. He stalked right out, looking furious. I don't think he saw me. He was too focused on leaving. Then the attorney came out, said we weren't needed. The stipulations were agreed upon.

I nodded, took a moment to do early voting (it was in the same area, I might as well!), and then headed home.

For now, my duty is done. I only hope that the girl and her siblings are safe. That the abuser will take it seriously, but... I truly doubt it.

While I'm still in this area, I will definitely keep an eye out. An ear. We'll see how it goes... and hope that he--the abuser--takes this as a learning lesson.

In a weird twist, just a few days ago, two years ago, I had kicked my DIL's abuser out of my house. I was firm on it. The abuser had the audacity to go after my daughter in front of my son. They scared my son. He felt unsafe.

That alone made me determine that they had to leave. I was prepared to do it legally--eviction notice, made sure the laws were behind me. The abuser found out, threatened to leave and I was all "Fine. Go." Then they tried to make it sound like they couldn't get a taxi to the shelter I directed them to. Me: "I'll pay. Get out."

They hoped their tears would break me. They were wrong.

I was out $200 for that taxi. It was worth every penny. My DIL was grateful, though she had a lot of anxiety for a while, which was understandable.

Through her I had a lovely compliment. She said I was one of few people that could be given the label "mama bear" and meant it.

I shrugged.

Where I love, I protect.

And I will not sit idly by if someone needs help. Even if I'm scared or anxious for my own safety.

Hopefully the abuser in my town is aware of it now. He has a lot of kids, and that has me concerned.

All I can do now... is wait. And see.

And live my life.

[lightofraye]

[lightofraye]

From Instagram.