#the ones ive worked at made me so anxious i would get physically ill and cry on the daily i dont want to go through that again

[thejacketscloset]

Looking at jobs to apply for. Google how to not want to die thinking about having to work and interacting with people who think I'm weird and stupid.

[kalcifers-blog]

IRIS FILES - ROBBIE THE ZOMBIE

CW - Physical/Mental Deterioration, Derealization, Rotting Alive, Zombification, Bugs/Insects, Medical Horror

Word Count: 994

Character Count: 4,271

CLASSIFICATION: ALTR 181502

ALTR AGE: 24 YRS OLD

ALTR HEIGHT: 5 “5

ALTR SEX: X

ALTR STATUS: UNSTABLE

ALTR INFO: 18152 contracted an unknown illness after an encounter with ALTR 114209. He was advised to keep track of his symptoms in the form of a journal; IRIS Researchers have secured the journal to track 18152's both physical and mental development.

08/09/2016

“Not been great lately, I've had cold or flu symptoms for the past two weeks, really has been messing with my focus, not great for when I'm trying to study or play as well as I usually can but I've been pushing through it!

I'm still a bit shaken up from that creepy ass guy from last month- it messed with me. I'm glad IRIS is here to help out with my case tho, hopefully they catch the freak. I keep getting all fidgety and anxious whenever I'm out in public. I mean I guess that's normal after something like that but still, doesn't make it easier. I would hang out with friends to make me feel safer but I don't wanna get them sick, hopefully this'll pass

-R”

15/09/2016

“God my head will not stop pounding, I got my headache about 2 days ago, it started off only occasionally but god it just keeps flaring up and more often. My flu hasn't gotten any better. It makes it hard to do anything, I keep getting by, slowly but surely.

-R”

22/09/2016

“Been bed ridden this week- I thought rest would probably help but, every time I sleep I keep dreaming of that guy- I don't remember it fully and it's probably just some weird trauma thing but he keeps.. I don't really know how to describe it? He keeps warping. I don't know its probably just some dream shit”

29/09/2016

“haven't been able to eat properly.. keep feeling this itch on my neck, its not bad just annoying mostly. My phone hurts my eyes. Keep dreaming of creeper.im sure he didn't actually look like that. Sorry for the bad handwriting, I'm so tired nd my hands hurt. Might try sleeping again”

30/09/2016

“woke up and puked, pretty badly too- dreaming of that guy hurts my head”

05/10/2016

“Really should call a doctor I think. I did call IRIS, I'm sure I did, they said they'd send someone over. No one came- my body hurts, everywhere it's just this dull ache. I might try

and shower or something. I don't know what to do at this point- no ones coming I've waited and waited and no one showed. The itching got worse, I don't know what's wrong with me I just need someone to come help”

“Why is no one answering my calls???”

12/10/2016

“Tried to shower, clumps of my hair just- came out. I just cried something is wrong with me I called IRIS again I told them it was urgent and I need help. The creeper answered me. It couldn't have been real- but it made me throw my phone accidentally. It broke and I can't get it to work again. I can't keep going on like this. The itching keeps spreading too- it now feels like things are crawling in my organs. I can't scratch there”

“Threw up again, mostly blood- it was clumpy, I think it was bits of my throat. It hurts my throat to breathe let alone talk”

16/10/2016

“The man in my room can't be here- I didn't let anyone in, he shouldn't be here”

23/10/2016

“I found out why I feel like there things crawling in me. I threw up a dead bug. The itching keeps going. I think I need to leave”

“I left my apartment. The air stung and I felt everyone's eyes on me. I don't care i just need help”

“IRIS won't let me in. Or near anyone.”

30/10/2016

“They're keeping me here. They keep giving me things. They poked IVs in me- the skin just teared away. It hurt so much, it feels good to actually be given medication. It's not kicked in yet but I think it should soon. The nurse gave me a funny look when I described my creep to him. I don't know, I just wanna sleep”

IRIS Supplemental:

ALTR 181502, previously known as Robert “Robbie” James, was announced as clinically dead to the public on 05/11/2016. Within the IRIS Foundation however it should be known that ALTR 181502, while maintaining a “corpse-like” appearance, is very much alive. IRIS researchers and medics have been working on a plausible theory on the rapid and alarming decline in ATLR 181502’s health after an apparent encounter with ALTR 114209. This variation of effects with 114209 seems to be an outlier. But until a working theory has been confirmed, the containment is highly necessary for both ALTR 181502 and for the wider public. Some IRIS staff have left due to unknown illnesses after contact with ALTR 181502. Their symptoms are yet to be examined but they are all in highly secure quarantine zones until they are confirmed to not be carrying a “Zombie Virus” as the research staff seem to be calling it.

As for ALTR 181502- exact details of his initial encounter with ALTR 114209 are documented in his original report to IRIS. His condition remains unpleasant. And it seems the best we can hope for is to keep him in containment until we understand what's going on.

The journal, as well as the remainder of ALTR 181502's belongings have been quarantined or burned. We managed to digitise his IRIS issued journal for the research sake. In said journal we believe the figure he describes is ALTR 114209- as it is within it's behaviour to torment it's victims while they are in mental distress.

It was discovered, by one such medic, after attempting an autopsy on ALTR 181502, that he is very much no longer human. If the hive of moth larvae that has eaten away at all of his organs have anything to say about it at least. How he still is living, albeit not pleasantly, is about as good a guess as yours as it is mine.

End Supplemental.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

Hewwo!

I can't feel nothing but anger and anxiety lately. I have diagnosed with bipolar depression but pills doesn't work.

Also I'm self diagnosed aspd, our psychologists know shit about aspd, they little know about bpd but in a worst way.

Do you have any suggestion for self control?

hewwo! i will do my best to help without knowing your exact situation but heres some stuff that ive picked up over the years ive spent being alive

first off. if you are actively in a horrible situation (being abused, shitty workplace etc) there is nothing i can do for you. there is no treatment in the world that can override the fight-or-flight reflex of actively being in danger. i learned this the hard way- i was only able to really start healing from my ptsd once i moved away from my parents and wasnt, yaknow, getting more ptsd. which extends to the personality disorders i got from being abused as an extension of said ptsd

HOWEVER there might be things that minutely help- this stuff is gonna be a bigger help once you're out of said horrible situation (if you're in one) but sometimes things that help, help

self control wise: here's a little trick: PEMDAS that shit. do you catastrophize because of your anxiety? well, that's whats gonna keep your aspd in check.

is this a particularly healthy piece of advice to give? probably not. but we're working with what we've got here. its kind of like chemotherapy: blasting someone with radiation isn't healthy per se, but it gets rid of a worse thing, and once the worse thing is gone Then you can work on healing from the chemo itself

not to say that aspd is akin to cancer, because it isn't. but hey that makes our work here much easier!

FOR EXAMPLE: when i was a teen, i had some pretty insanely strong urges to steal. i was also afraid of the cops, and had really bad surveillance paranoia. i knew that stealing would be a bad idea, because if i got caught, it'd be hell to pay at home. so what did i do? let my anxiety and paranoia run wild and free!

i wanted to steal? well, i'm always being watched, which means everyone's gonna see that i stole, which means the cops are gonna come after me, which means my mom is gonna find out, which means im gonna go to jail, which means even after i get out my mom will isolate me Even More for being a criminal, and scream at me about how i'm dangerous. and that made me so scared that i didnt do it!!

i wanted to physically attack my mom? well okay i knew she was too much of a pussy to call the cops on me and i was already being isolated so it was a dick tits whatre you gonna do cancel us some more kinda situation

if you dont know what im talking about: youre welcome

hope that cheered you up a little

i use this nowadays for holding myself back from detroit becoming violent: the cops will be here and i will go to jail for So Many Years and im crippled i would not do well in jail ill get sicker and sicker

so kind of like that?

if the self control relates to worrying that you'll hurt someone you care about, try and remind yourself that your relationship with them could suffer or become completely shattered if you did smth stupid out of anger

also: i saved this for last because it doesnt answer your question in particular, but id advise trying to figure out if your anger and anxiety have any specific triggers. does your anxiety manifest itself as anger? do you get anxious when you start to become angry? does a specific situation or person make these feelings arise? figuring out why you're feeling the way you do can help with management, whether it be thru knowing what youre up against to better cope with it, or thru walking away from something you now know is triggering

anywaye i hope any of this helped! i'm not the best at giving advice so i hope this wasnt total crap! goodluck!! :)

[ghost-of-the-machine]

ramble about my aromantic tendencies cuz im all. confused im SURE theres a word for this i just think im not ready??? i think like. not in a personal way, in a PHYSICAL way like something needs to change before id ever CONSIDER IT, makes me sick otherwise like theres so many things!! so many hurdles and stuff that would deter me from all that nonsense but i still like the idea of it like the idea is so sweet, its why i enjoy it so much in fiction but. in execution? IDK MAN.. freaks me out for so many reasons

romantic love is so cute bro like. its genuinely adorable to me, i love listening to love songs and just feeling the emotion and passion behind all the words, but ummmmmmm. i think realistically im capable? i just think that any attempt wouldnt go well, i dont think i can give someone what they might need, its always been like. okay 1. im going to be OBSESSED with you ill do anything you say ill let you mistreat and abuse me ill do anything for you okay which is not ideal!! not ideal, made for bad people dont want bad people. but?? on the other hand its also like i cant imagine loving another person more than i love my friends, but thats whats expected of me isnt it? i think they wouldnt like it very much if i had an equal amount but like. is it even possible? I REALLY DONT KNOW.. i know ive said it before, i just feel like. love, not platonic not romantic just LOVE pure unlabeled love. what kind of treatment would i give to a partner that i dont already give to my friends? itd go really wrong there im sure, i dont wanna hurt anybody yknow

idk its like such a cute little fantasy tho isnt it? maybe i meet someone and we become friends and then it leads to something more, is going on dates fun? maybe it would be but. i go on dates with my friends!!!!!! like is it different? i guess, but im out with someone i love i dont see how it could be much different

sometimes it feels like people like me dont get that. its hard to be good enough for someone else, like. i know theres like 8 billion people in the world but its always. im too fat im trans im not hot enough im too mentally ill im too awkward too. TOO EVERYTHING!! so on top of like. how can someone possible be more than what i already have, i have to be good enough too!!!!! so much work, i honestly. after brian, i was so content to just fall back on fictional characters, i know it sounds silly but self shipping LITERALLY saved my life i was hanging by a thread after him and then i found a coping mechanism that made me feel so good

i think its uncertainty, when it comes to fictional relationship? i make the rules, the scenarios, its perfect for me but. in real life you cant do that, im thrown in BLIND. i know its part of life, you learn and grow together but erm... im autistic please dont do this to me PLEASE if i plan out my conversation at a grocery store with the clerk and im STILL THROWN OFF... yeeowch!!

thats the thing im very offputting to other people like. something about me, i can see it in their eyes, see the way they kinda. like im. somethings all wrong with me!!!! they dont like it, i cant imagine myself being charming but.. maybe if i start T, ill be less. dreadfully anxious about seeing other people, then maybe ill flourish a little more. we'll see, it still freaks me out the thought of loving someone more than my friends like TO ME i dont think its possible and i dont want to find out about it okay it makes me sick it feels like betrayal, never tell me otherwise or ill feel awful, its betrayal to me!!!! cuz i want to give my friends the most i can give, they deserve it, so like. what, am i supposed to give less? give someone else more?? like ew who are you1!!! i dont need you i just need my besties thats all i need :] but its still a nice thought isnt it? its cute

i think i just have like a limit on the amount of people i can know at one time, ive always wanted more friends and i have more friends now!! sooo i dont realy need anyone else then? its very easy for me to feel satisfied with what i have, of course i am!!! grateful even!!!! so im like. it just doesnt matter so much to me. nice thought but i dont see it happening like i dont really WANT it to happen like i do but also. like. listen.

am i still gonna throw down to little love songs? absolutely yes sir!! to me tho like its feelings i can easily project onto my friends SKFJS like how me and my bestie kiss eachother on the head okay. because i loooooove them, its so easy because i love them!! its a love song, i dont care what kind of love its made for, i feel love and ill hear it how i want :] ITS. its some weird social bullshit okay, who says we cant? who says we cant go on little friend dates and kiss and hug and be in love with eachother while also being JUST friends? WHO SAYS!!!! its what i dont get, theres some disconnect between romantic and platonic love that i dont see at all. why should one be more valued than the other? hogwash okay its gobbledygook its. nonsense!!! im glad i dont see it that way, the hard part is finding other people who also dont see it that way, i realize my feelings on it arent STANDARD.. still, im satisfied. i have a lot of love to give and im always allowed to give it, isnt that so wonderful?

[vex-bittys]

Hello! Id like a match up please. Im pretty set on a chain but id like to get 1 or 2(or three) other bitties so im curious which ones would fit best for me.

Im 21 yrs old, nonbinary/transman, native and physically disabled. Im typically shy and quiet around new people but once i get to know you, im jokingly flirtatious and confedient, making lots of puns and gutter-minded jokes. Im artistic and i like drawing, writing, knitting, diamond push art, animation, character design and all sorts of stuff. Im very creative and ive even made my own languages and multiple stories that'd id love to turn into games or animations or just lots stuff. I also really like horror movies and anime as well as love a variety of video games like minecraft, skyrim, pokemon, animal crossing and the sims. I like to talk alot about philosophy, morals and other cultures, especially their languages, religions and foods.

However i do have limitations. Due to my autism, i can have meltdowns where i have to sit down and stim or else ill cry, i have a hard time getting sarcasm and i get overwhelmed easily. I also tend to rely alot on earbuds and music in public settings so i dont get overwhelmed or anxious. As a result, i sometimes need to use sign language as i get too over whelmed or trigged to speak. Due to my physical disabilities, i some times need to use a wheelchair or a cane and i suffer from chronic pain and severe fatigue, often limping. I also get random bouts of vertigo that graduate to passing out and muscle weakness. I also have triggers due to trauma so smoking and yelling are gonna be off the table.

On to bitty needs, i already plan on getting a human/full sized chain as a caregiver/friend of sorts but id also like to potentially get 2 regular/snake sized lamias as well for more campaign/pet purposes. Id like them to be handleable generally( they dont have to be super cuddly but ye), be ok with cold rooms(as my disability makes me constantly boil alive. Also hi! I was the anon who asked about which bitties were great with the cold!), be open to trying new things and going new places and at least abit talkative. They also will have to be open to learning sign language and not get too frightened when i fall as i know it can be kinda scary, even when people know im ok.

They also will have to be ok with their base needs being met by a full sized chain on the days where i cant get up to get them water or food(the chain would be well cared for so no cannibalism would be a possibility). Id also like to avoid super venomous ones as that terrifies me. Abit of venom is ok but none that are very dangerous. A krait would be the only exception to the no very-venomous rule.

*Thankfully, Chains will only cannibalize if they think another bitty is a threat. If you can’t be safe around that bitty, a Chain stops seeing it as a fellow bitty and starts to see it as a snack. I picked out a few lamias that will work well with your specific needs and get along with a Chain!

My recommendations for you are:

Papython (UT!Papyrus): Papythons are incredibly sweet lamias who love to help out whenever they can. Many of the Papythons in the shop have some healing and medical training which might be helpful with a disability. Papythons love games like Minecraft and the Sims, so you’ll definitely have someone to enjoy games with.

Krait (Gaster): Kraits are quiet lamias, and you don’t have to worry about him using his venom. Kraits are extremely aware of their deadly bite and will always be careful not to use it. Many Kraits learn sign language to communicate with FireRings, so it would be easy enough to find one that fit your communication needs. Kraits are also super intelligent and love to learn about other cultures.

Honey Bo (US!Papyrus): Honey Bo is a perceptive lamia who takes a bit of time to build trust with his adopter. Once he’s built that trust, however, he is an excellent friend and confidant. Honey Bos are very perceptive and would love to listen to you talk about philosophy and other cultures. Expect him to fully participate in the discussion with well thought out answers.

*While these lamias aren’t the usual good-in-the-cold lamias, they would all wear cuddly sweaters to stay warm if it meant you were comfortable! You could also get a FireRing to help warm them if you wanted. Please let me know if you’d like an adoption scenario and which lamia(s) you’d like to adopt!

[ageiscool]

TW: depression and anxiety.

for the last month and a half, your girl has been going thru it. and i know i am so blessed in so many ways. but yeeeeesh this last month and a half was. the. worst. even more than my break up from a few years ago. from may 28 2021:

never ever have i felt this way. this feeling of not wanting to do anything. this feeling of not having any, and i mean any, energy to do anything after work. this feeling of not wanting to interact with anyone. not wanting to do anything but work and sleep. is that normal?

i asked myself if this is what its like to be depressed? to feel anxious? and i really use those words cautiously. but i did ask myself that. and i thought, “ok maybe this is what its like. maybe there is a chemical imbalance.” but like. what the f really triggered it.

i wrote a few years ago that happiness is a choice. that i, personally, need to choose to be happy. i have to tell myself, “i am happy. i choose happiness.” that once i make that conscious choice, basically life will be good and ill be good. but today, i was reminded that sometimes it wont be like that. that sometimes making that conscious choice is not enough. that as much as i want to be happy and put on a smile, its just…hard to do. its hard to fake it til you make it. its hard to be happy. i can surround myself with good friends and vons fried chicken and some soju, but itll just mask these low low feelings. and thats what happened on one sunday afternoon.

damn what the f. help me out lord. desperately seeking you to pull me out of this, i guess, depression. that even tho its hard to make a choice to smile and be happy, help me to still be joyful, at least. (is there a difference even between being happy and joyful?) joyful to be alive. to have the grace to recognize what im feeling.

i started going to therapy cause i just realized that i needed help. like professional help. and i was hesitant to go because of pride and not wanting to pay per session, but those shit feelings were so strong i needed to get out and get help. and my therapist, God bless her, confirmed that i was definitely in a depressed and anxious state. that what i was feeling was valid and enough to seek help. but it was just super cray to hear those words and have them apply to me. i just never would have thought. but as the weeks and sessions went, my load has definitely gotten lighter. and i feel it in an emotional sense. and a physical sense. like i physically feel lighter in my chest. breathing lighter, staying calm.

i know that God is working in me right now cause thats been my deep, deep prayer. to just get outta this funky shit and get back to my normal, extroverted self. and i see it working. im talking more, smiling more, seeing joy and goodness in the little things. therapy is working for me. and im super grateful. and i pray i continue to hold on to God, his promises of peace and hope, and the affirming conversations ive had with my therapist.

theres no timeline for me. if it takes two sessions, great. if it takes twenty, good. until youre in a capable place to feel your emotions, dont stop seeking help. just do you. be you. honestly. and love God. dont worry about anyone or anything else. its so cliche but all those damn quotes you see online are actually true lol. “let go and let God” “live, laugh, love”

friendly reminder to be your bad-ass self age and the boss ass b you are. God made you, you. there is literally no one like you. you are good age. you. are. good.

[growup-gloup]

Hey so i have never had a bf and honestly i dont think ill have one ever bc i litteraly do not know how to behave around guys. Im so awkward around and ONLY around THEM. Its not like i dont have friends. I jusy dont know how to be myself. Any tips?

Hi i love your blog! Ive been single my whole life and i just need some confidence tips bc its gotten to the point where if i think about what it would be like if a guy liked me i actually feel weird and embarrassed. I get like second-hand embarrassment from it?? Like it feel like an absolutely ridiculous thing to think about.

I got two asks asking relatively the same stuff, so I am answering them both in one post. 

This concept of keeping lovers and friends as separate entities is often what makes us anxious. I mean, if you can’t be friends with a guy first, chances are, it’s going to be near impossible for you to be in a healthy romantic relationship with them  as well.

They are flawed humans, just like you and me. There’s going to be things you’ll like about them and things you’ll hate. Likewise, there will be things about you that he’ll like and things he won’t like. And that’s fine!

It helps to think of guys you like as friends that you can also be physically close to. It means you can do what friends do, like joke around and do dumb stuff, and then maybe make out afterwards as lovers do. But if you can’t do the casual dumb stuff, then the romantic stuff feels more awkward and impersonal. 

Act like you would any other person, and then if it turns into more, then expand on that preexisting friendship.

Second of all: Being single =/= Being unattractive. 

There are so many conventionally beautiful people that are CHOOSING to stay single so that they can focus on themselves and their dreams.

Even if they don’t mind being in a relationship, they take advantage of the single time to develop themselves and work on their goals in the mean time. That way, when the right person comes along, they already know who they are and what they want before adding this new person into their lives.

Here are some tips on how to feel more confident:

Dress to feel good. It doesn’t have to be what’s trending, but you should FEEL good wearing it. Same goes with hair and makeup. Do as much as you feel like, but don’t do it because you feel like you SHOULD. Here’s a post I made about dressing up for a date night, if you wanna take an extra step for a date.

Learn more. Ever heard the saying jack of all trades; master of none? That doesn’t apply to conversation. If you’re an expert in, say, computers, so that’s all you focused on, then you’d have to wait for a conversation about that topic to feel smart or at least have the ability to relate to the other person. But if you know a little bit about a hundred different topics, then you can at least keep up with a variety of conversation, and learn new things about the topic along the way. Keep up with the news, read books, listen to podcasts, etc. I personally don’t like a lot of r&b but I still listen to what’s trending at least once so that if someone asks if I’ve heard the latest Ariana song or whatever (is she even r&b?) I can at least have something to say, even if it isn’t “I love it”. The same can apply to virtually any topic.

Know yourself. You don’t have to go discover nirvana, but you should at least know what you like and what you don’t like, so that you can filter out the bad from the good and save yourself a lot of time and heartbreak. This, again, applies to more than your romantic or even social life. If you know what you want, you’re less likely to waste time doing things you don’t want, like taking the wrong course or job. BUT, sometimes, knowing yourself means learning from your mistakes, so if you mess up, or if you get hurt, just remember that this is a learning opportunity for next time. 

Be nice. You could be Miss Universe, but if you are rude, you’ll always look awful. Now, I’m not saying that you should be a pushover, but you shouldn’t be rude either. If there is something that you can’t or really don’t want to do, apologize and explain that you cannot do that thing. But do try to help others and be polite whenever you can, unless they’re awful.

Fake it. If all else fails and you feel like you’re sticking out like a sore thumb, don’t let anyone know. Pretend you belong. Pretend that you know what you’re doing. If you believe that you deserve the world, one day you will. Fake it till you make it!

💋

[dimples-of-discontent]

How do I get an “A” in Cancer?: Illness as an Overachiever

Hello friends! I’m cross posting an update/reflection from my IRL self’s cancer blog below the cut. You can go visit me there, though so far I am archiving things here too.

Today I heard a loud, resounding nothing more on the PDL1 protein test even though it's been over a week since the tissue sample was sent off for what is, as I understand, a quick test to do. I left a message for my doctor at MSK who called to nudge the pathologist again and...that's it! There's nothing else to do! I will continue to wait, a process that's made its way out of "anxious tension" and into "close to unbearable." It's been 7 weeks tomorrow since I heard my diagnosis, 3 months since I first became concerned about the tumor (although admittedly waiting until after my Christmas travels to test it seemed reasonable when no one suspected it was cancer). I can now feel pain from the tumors all the time. (Or rather, I feel the pain of them pressing on nerves.) It's worst with the largest one--the original breast tumor that is about the size of an egg and palpably, measurably growing between doctors' visits. I had minor shortness of breath for the first time today. Everyone agrees that this is an especially aggressive cancer given that it took only a few months to metastasize and is measurably growing all the time. Despite this, I've had to wait weeks for appointments for tests, 10-14 business days for results, and been faced with a medical system what won't even schedule necessary appointments until conclusive test results (still cancer!) are received from others, meaning the time really mounts up. (This isn't even touching on insurance questions.) I said in my previous post that I always imagined a cancer diagnosis would be treated like an emergency, maybe not with sirens but with a red tag on your file that says "urgent" and bumps you up the queue somehow. But it turns out that having cancer doesn't actually make you that special, at least not to people who deal with it all the time. I imagine this fills many of you with rage and, oh, me too!!! So. Much. Rage. And, especially if you're a parent, you can imagine how my parents are feeling. But it's hard to know where to direct that rage. I know that doctors are massively overworked and that, what's more, doctors and nurses both have to maintain a certain distance from their job, and by extension their patients, in order to avoid compassion fatigue. Like Shirley MacLaine I want to burst into the pathology department--where doubtless they are all just about to run that protein assay--and scream at them that I can't start chemo until they do and all I need is this one result to be able to stop this disease from growing and spreading throughout my body and they are not doing it fast enough dammit. It's probably for that reason that there are so many layers of office staff to communicate through, so many people to just say "we don't know yet." And that is what they say. (For what it's worth, I feel that MSK may be more susceptible to this than Dana-Farber, where they have clearly spent a lot of time and money focusing on the patients' experience and wellbeing.) So I'm stuck, waiting with this displaced rage and thrumming pain and constant anxiety. And I feel, of all things, guilty that I haven't started chemo yet. When people reach out to offer sympathy or to inquire how things are going--both meant entirely as expressions of love and kindness--my first impulse is to apologize for being so behind! Perhaps this is symptomatic of being the perpetual straight-A student; I'm never behind on anything...how could I be behind when it counts for so much? I was making this type of joke even before I knew the full extent of my bad news. "I'm usually so good at tests...how can I be doing so badly on all these?" "I've never been just average in my entire life...no wonder this is all so statistically unlikely." "I've always hit developmental milestones early; this is just another instance of it." And, as I said in my last post, "You have to read the fine print when you wish to be exceptional." Now, obviously humor is an important coping mechanism for me. For one thing, it's absurd--absolutely ABSURD--that this should be something I have to go through. So I have to find ways to laugh at it. Humor is also a pretty big part of who I am so continuing to make jokes is also a way of holding on to my sense of self. But these are very particular jokes and they're all about how I'm a high achiever and will, therefore, CRUSH THIS just like every other challenge in my life. But cancer isn't a test, a college application, a dissertation, a performance review. And although it may help me feel strong to think of all the other things I've come through (and it does) there's also a danger that I'll start to feel that I'm "failing" if I'm not "achieving" enough with my cancer treatment. I have already fallen into this trap, blaming myself for the triple-negative status, the lack of androgen receptors, as though if I'd studied harder they would have been there. And that's just plain wrong. The response my body has, or doesn't, to various drugs isn't a thing I can control. My role is to work with my body to give it what it needs and, moreover, to endure. Enduring is what I actually need to succeed at--and be acknowledged for--and that may not look very much like (my) traditional idea of "success." Success, to me, is making progress: doing something, producing something, being active. And a lot of my treatment is going to look like the opposite of that. I will sit around and let my body fight an invisible war. I will not be able to write or work to the same level as usual. But if I am around, whether I'm improving or not, that is a success. Because that is enduring. And I'm enduring now. 7 weeks of waiting, knowing that you have cancer and that it is growing and spreading each day that passes, is enough to send many people into a meltdown. But I've continued to live my normal life as much as possible, continuing to work and socialize as usual (or even more, in the latter case, since I don't know that I'll have energy for it later). I don't talk about my disease all the time, mainly because I don't want to. (And also because I worry about becoming burdensome to friends but that's a whole other post.) I have often felt that I haven't been "earning" the sympathy and good will that has been coming my way simply because I haven't yet been hooked up to an IV. To me, that physical act is what's brave because that's progress. That's success. But I'd like to try to change that idea--with your help--and to see enduring, even during times of less physical distress, as also being brave and also being worth remarking on, even celebrating. I hope to have more news to share with you soon. But, until then, I endure.

(x)

[dead-thorin]

whew a lot has happened in the past few days yall

first and foremost, @allangelsgobyangharad saw that i was sad AND SHE SENT ME A BOOK AND SHE IS SUCH A GOOD EGG I LOVE HER it really cheered me up

so a dude broke my heart over the weekend and it literally wasnt his fault, i just had hopes that we could do a long distance thing and he didnt want to bc he felt like he was in a bad place in life to do it; it be like that.

I dont really decorate my room bc im kinda just like ‘well ill be moving in a year, why bother?’ but at target i bought some stuff (including a new shelf!) and some decorations and my room looks more lively and lived in now. I have a white board im using, a letter board that im gonna write positive messages for myself on (rn it says ‘keep going’), i changed my curtains to something less dark (theyre white with flowers on the bottom), a fake plant that looks realistic, and a wax warmer to diffuse lavender scent into my room (it smells damn amazing). My therapist was really proud of me for doing all this and im proud i did it too. Like being in the room gave me anxiety and made me sad and switching it around really helped me separate us being together and him leaving and me sleeping here and shit

i got myself a book about anxiety and meditation thats p funny (by dan harris) and im gonna read it tomorrow during lunch and maybe take some notes. Ive also been thinking about going back on medication so i think im gonna schedule an appointment tomorrow with the psych here and see what she thinks. itll suck but i think for rn its best bc ive been anxious for a while and until i can get my coping mechanisms down, ill need some extra help. therapist was also proud i was pro active in this

The process for top surgery is slow, but moving. The doctor faxed my letter over to the wrong department (bc the number was wrong on the website) so Im heading down there tomorrow and getting a physical copy. I called yesterday and she hadnt responded and thats the MO with this fucking office so I have to physically go there for it. It be like that. Also one of the students I work with goes to the city I wanna get surgery in and he said he was down to give me a ride there so im covered. 

I had lunch with a friend and we talked about like my future plans and i mentioned how i was just like... done with library science. Its a lot of things but like a lot of people went into the field bc theyre like “oh i like reading!” when thats not what this field is about. Or they dont actually want to serve the public the way libraries are supposed to (like allowing individuals experiencing homelessness to be in that space). And like the job market is hard and public librarianship doesnt offer that great benefits so im like nervous (I always have a problem of looking too far ahead in life tbh). Michelle has always told me I would do great in public health bc i have a wide skill range, Im p sociable and a people person, i love educating, im passionate about the topics i talk about, etc so like i might do another masters in public health and theres one program i saw that looks good and the university also offers remitted tuition so in theory i could work there and get my degree too. I also probably wouldnt need gres since id already have a masters degree. My therapist slightly roasted me for this and was like “Jordan... too far ahead..” and i was like I KNOW!!! God I always do that but yeah at least i have a plan and if anything I could probably be an academic librarian for a public health department at a university; well see where life takes me

anyway yeah i feel a lot better about things and i know that life goes on and that im 23 and young and shit and that its just hormones but it just really sucks. And like Michelle said maybe one day we would get together, its just not the right time but im so impatient smh (which she also roasted me for; lunch with her is like being slowly cooked at 425F for an hour but its amazing). And if its not meant to be, then its not meant to be and thats ok too

[th3okamid3mon]

Anxiety is more harmful than Deceit [A ramble because I can, also SPOILERS]

Ok, so.

At the beginning of Sanders Sides, i enjoyed all the characters. Obviously i had my dislikes and likes. I´ve comment before that i dont like Patton and Roman that much, I enjoy their antics and their characteristics, and i know they try their best. The problem i have is that they do not take some things too seriously, well... just Patton, Roman is actually getting more serious so i dont mind him a lot. But Patton is always trying to light up the mood when everything CLEARLY IS FUCKING FALLING INTO PIECES. 

Logan has been my favorite so far, of course he has his moments like when he cannot understand whats going on and pretends to not have feelings but then i remember who he is. He needs to be serious. He reminds me a lot of me, with explosive anger and all, although he has that ¨I am better than you¨ vibe that i dont like (Im not egotistical, im more selfish, pretty sure thats different) 

Now Anxiety... Everyone loves a good villain. I understand that Thomas wanted to...redeem him? But i dont think that was good. 

When Accepting Anxiety came out i was surprised. ¨why would you redeem mental illness?¨ My opinion has a lot to do with me projecting so bare with me: I have social anxiety and depression. Anxiety has been the death of me since i was little.  If i was late at class, i could not enter the classroom out of fear of everyone laughing, i could not defend myself from people, i could not talk to my parents bout how teachers were screaming at me and inflicting physical pain at me because i would think they would laugh or get mad at me. 

It was a shitshow. 

Im an adult now and i still get overwhelm with something similar (More like... I think someone will get inside my house or in my classroom and will kill everyone, but my depression always hits me like hMmmmmmidontcare) 

Anxiety during his time in screen, has acted rough and then started to act a bit better towards others. Sure he has his times like the Christmas Halloween episode in which he tried to scare everyone and such. But... Anxiety is still bad. As a character, sure he is cool and adorable in my opinion, but as the mental illness he is, he is fucking awful. Scare the living crap out of someone because of no fucking reason? What the hell? Why would anyone like to live with that? I understand accepting that thats part of you and it might never leave is a next step to get healthy and its way better than denying but it doesnt take the fact that its horribly to leave in constant fear of everything. 

WHATS THAT SHADOW I SEE THERE? A MURDERER? A GHOST? A MONSTER? WHATS IN MY DRINK? DID SOMEONE RUFFIED IT?

IS SOMEONE FOLLOWING ME? IS SOMEONE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW? IS SOMEONE KILLING SOMEONE? IS SOMEONE TRYING TO ROB THE HOUSE? IS SOMEONE TRYING TO GET INSIDE THE HOUSE? IS SOMEONE INSIDE MY HOUSE WITHOUT ME KNOWING? ARE THEY HIDING SOMEWHERE?

Ive fucking lived with those types of thoughts constantly, pretty sure the character of Thomas would think shit like this. How is that helpful? They tried to point out the goods of Anxiety, i still think its a shit show that you had to check at least 5 times if you close the door, 5 times if you grabbed your wallet, 5 times if you had the keys of your home and other 5 times to see if you made sure you check the whole house in search of someone that might be living there without you knowing (ok that one was just me, I constantly check the whole house because i started hearing noises and then my dog barks and then the doors close and open and i get paranoid and all SEE HOW IT ISNT FUNNY? NOR COOL IF ANXIETY IS JUST SEEN AS THE FUCKIN MENTAL ILLNESS?) 

Now Deceit, he is the lying part of one self. Deceit was probably the one making Thomas lie to himself bout Anxiety but in the video... Deceit made a point: ¨Is it me the one who is making you sin or did you convince yourself that i was all me?¨ One of the errors Thomas is making is viewing Deceit as something else, something out of him, not seeing the possibility of him being a liar. Deceit is trying to make him look its ok to be a liar because everyone lies, Logan even said that in Can LYING be good? Anxiety is constantly there trying to fuck your day up, but Deceit? He appears in times of need, because he functions too as self preservation, he tries to give Thomas certain ways to keep his friends so he doesnt loose them. In the video Selfishness vs Selflessness he actually ask a normal question: DO YOU WANT THE PART OR NOT? Deceit not only wants Thomas to be truth to himself, he wants him to see the path been told by Patton isnt the only one. And Ok maybe he was a bit tough and less direct, I think Deceit needs to work on his communication skills, but he did tried to make it is easy to understand, not only that Deceit actually tried to listen too. When Logan said bout which will be more harmful to Thomas and said loosing the wedding Deceit was surprise but kept asking so he could understand. I know he had an agenda but the agenda was, in his point of view, to serve Thomas.

Anxiety was always trying to not let him be listen because he hates him a lot. He didnt tried to put something useful in the table, he just didnt want Deceit there. (If Logan was there they could have probably get a more suitable decision.) Let´s not forget that people tend to lie more when they are anxious to get out of situations, so if Thomas tends to lie it would have been due to desperation, not knowing which else to decide. He even was fine on lying because he really wants to go to the Callback, IF HE WENT TO THE WEDDING HE WOULDNT EVEN PAID ATTENTION, THATS NOT NICE. 

Anxiety does not help as much as everyone makes it look like, by fearing loosing friends it harms Thomas more than whatever Deceit was saying. Being selfish from time to time isnt harmful, it is by nature. And maybe lying wasnt even the point to Deceit, he just wanted to make sure Thomas knew he could be selfish and that´d be ok. From all Sanders Sides, we havent seen Thomas take care of himself properly, maybe that´s why Deceit has shown up. 

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

How do I get an “A” in Cancer?: Illness as an Overachiever

[I’m archiving this, from March 14th, here since I’ve decided to use a sideblog for cancer thoughts and updates.]

Today I heard a loud, resounding nothing more on the PDL1 protein test even though it’s been over a week since the tissue sample was sent off for what is, as I understand, a quick test to do. I left a message for my doctor at MSK who called to nudge the pathologist again and…that’s it! There’s nothing else to do! I will continue to wait, a process that’s made its way out of “anxious tension” and into “close to unbearable.” It’s been 7 weeks tomorrow since I heard my diagnosis, 3 months since I first became concerned about the tumor (although admittedly waiting until after my Christmas travels to test it seemed reasonable when no one suspected it was cancer).

I can now feel pain from the tumors all the time. (Or rather, I feel the pain of them pressing on nerves.) It’s worst with the largest one–the original breast tumor that is about the size of an egg and palpably, measurably growing between doctors’ visits. I had minor shortness of breath for the first time today. Everyone agrees that this is an especially aggressive cancer given that it took only a few months to metastasize and is measurably growing all the time. Despite this, I’ve had to wait weeks for appointments for tests, 10-14 business days for results, and been faced with a medical system what won’t even schedule necessary appointments until conclusive test results (still cancer!) are received from others, meaning the time really mounts up. (This isn’t even touching on insurance questions.) I said in my previous post that I always imagined a cancer diagnosis would be treated like an emergency, maybe not with sirens but with a red tag on your file that says “urgent” and bumps you up the queue somehow. But it turns out that having cancer doesn’t actually make you that special, at least not to people who deal with it all the time. I imagine this fills many of you with rage and, oh, me too!!! So. Much. Rage. And, especially if you’re a parent, you can imagine how my parents are feeling. But it’s hard to know where to direct that rage. I know that doctors are massively overworked and that, what’s more, doctors and nurses both have to maintain a certain distance from their job, and by extension their patients, in order to avoid compassion fatigue. Like Shirley MacLaine I want to burst into the pathology department–where doubtless they are all just about to run that protein assay–and scream at them that I can’t start chemo until they do and all I need is this one result to be able to stop this disease from growing and spreading throughout my body and they are not doing it fast enough dammit. It’s probably for that reason that there are so many layers of office staff to communicate through, so many people to just say “we don’t know yet.” And that is what they say. (For what it’s worth, I feel that MSK may be more susceptible to this than Dana-Farber, where they have clearly spent a lot of time and money focusing on the patients’ experience and wellbeing.) So I’m stuck, waiting with this displaced rage and thrumming pain and constant anxiety. And I feel, of all things, guilty that I haven’t started chemo yet. When people reach out to offer sympathy or to inquire how things are going–both meant entirely as expressions of love and kindness–my first impulse is to apologize for being so behind! Perhaps this is symptomatic of being the perpetual straight-A student; I’m never behind on anything…how could I be behind when it counts for so much? I was making this type of joke even before I knew the full extent of my bad news. “I’m usually so good at tests…how can I be doing so badly on all these?” “I’ve never been just average in my entire life��no wonder this is all so statistically unlikely.” “I’ve always hit developmental milestones early; this is just another instance of it.” And, as I said in my last post, “You have to read the fine print when you wish to be exceptional.” Now, obviously humor is an important coping mechanism for me. For one thing, it’s absurd–absolutely ABSURD–that this should be something I have to go through. So I have to find ways to laugh at it. Humor is also a pretty big part of who I am so continuing to make jokes is also a way of holding on to my sense of self. But these are very particular jokes and they’re all about how I’m a high achiever and will, therefore, CRUSH THIS just like every other challenge in my life. But cancer isn’t a test, a college application, a dissertation, a performance review. And although it may help me feel strong to think of all the other things I’ve come through (and it does) there’s also a danger that I’ll start to feel that I’m “failing” if I’m not “achieving” enough with my cancer treatment. I have already fallen into this trap, blaming myself for the triple-negative status, the lack of androgen receptors, as though if I’d studied harder they would have been there. And that’s just plain wrong. The response my body has, or doesn’t, to various drugs isn’t a thing I can control. My role is to work with my body to give it what it needs and, moreover, to endure. Enduring is what I actually need to succeed at–and be acknowledged for–and that may not look very much like (my) traditional idea of “success.” Success, to me, is making progress: doing something, producing something, being active. And a lot of my treatment is going to look like the opposite of that. I will sit around and let my body fight an invisible war. I will not be able to write or work to the same level as usual. But if I am around, whether I’m improving or not, that is a success. Because that is enduring. And I’m enduring now. 7 weeks of waiting, knowing that you have cancer and that it is growing and spreading each day that passes, is enough to send many people into a meltdown. But I’ve continued to live my normal life as much as possible, continuing to work and socialize as usual (or even more, in the latter case, since I don’t know that I’ll have energy for it later). I don’t talk about my disease all the time, mainly because I don’t want to. (And also because I worry about becoming burdensome to friends but that’s a whole other post.) I have often felt that I haven’t been “earning” the sympathy and good will that has been coming my way simply because I haven’t yet been hooked up to an IV. To me, that physical act is what’s brave because that’s progress. That’s success. But I’d like to try to change that idea–with your help–and to see enduring, even during times of less physical distress, as also being brave and also being worth remarking on, even celebrating. I hope to have more news to share with you soon. But, until then, I endure.

[alicedoessurveys]

VERY long survey

Where have you lived throughout your life? 

Birmingham UK

Do you find your job rewarding? 

N/A

What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? 

chocolate

To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? 

I enjoy both, but bagels.

Do you paint your nails? 

yes. although they're not painted at the moment because ive been cleaning the house so much the past couple days and its stripped my varnish off

What’s the last website you signed up for? 

a dating thing

Do you check your email everyday? 

yes, I cant stand having the little red number above the mail app 

Have you created any pages on Facebook?

yes but I dont have them anymore

Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at? 

every subject, but especially maths and science 

What’s your favourite song by Dave Matthews Band? 

I dont know any 

Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to? 

I dot particularly enjoy talking to anyone :’)

Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? 

yes, we wondered around through the middle of Birmingham at 4am 

Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? 

haha nope

Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover?

yes

Have you ever had a panic attack? 

many, I had to drop out of college because of them 

Are you deathly allergic to anything? 

nope

Have you ever had a mouse in your house? 

nope

Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? 

myself 

Is anyone you know really religious? 

my family

Are your eyebrows naturally thick? 

yes

Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? 

not physically sick, but definitely felt it. the worst experience Ive had with speaking was in college when I had to give a speech then teach a 10 minute class. my throat totally dried up and I literally couldnt speak. everyone just stared at me and I was trying so hard not to cry. longest 10 minutes of my life and as soon as it finished I legged it out the room and burst into tears. 

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? 

Mary Poppins Returns almost got me but the last film to actually make me cry was Coco. That shit had me SOBBING!

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? 

yes 

Has a laptop ever burned your legs? 

not really, I put a cushion on my lap normally

Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?

no

Who was the last person to flip you off? 

probably rhys, as a joke

Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? 

my dad turns 50 next week

Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? 

I have done a few times but they annoy me

Are you good at following directions? 

no no no I get confused very easily

Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? 

yes rhys 

From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? 

if I reach behind me 

When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? 

occasionally, it depends where I am and what im eating 

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? 

manual 

Are your biceps at all noticeable? 

they used to be before they went into hiding under a layer of fat 

Have you ever seen a walrus? 

nope

When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? 

no, I believe in the ‘what food is it’ and ‘how dirty is the floor’ rules

If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? 

yes. I was supposed to have gone on a camel ride in Tunisia ages ago but I was ill so we didn't get to go 

Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer?

they could be. the number of people getting cancer has gone up a lot since everyone has mobile phones 

When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? 

depends who it is 

Do you tend to jump to conclusions? 

yes. Im an anxious person so im constantly overthinking and I also find people really hard to read and can get

Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? 

yes my brain cant remember important things but when it comes to dates its like a sponge 

Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? 

getting a job

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? 

ew no

How long does it take you to fall asleep? 

about 15 minutes depending on how tired I am 

Do you crack your neck often?

no that freaks me out 

Did you have a weird dream last night? 

not that I can remember, I have been having a lot of weird dreams this week because im ill

Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? 

everyone. especially when im at the theatre, im constantly watching other people and wishing I could act like they can or look like them or have their style 

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? 

both

In what way are you your own worst enemy? 

every way, I dont look after myself at all 

What activities make you lose track of time? 

sims

When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” 

not really 

Who do you tell your secrets to? 

these surveys 

Who do you live with? 

my parents and our foster kids 

When did/will you graduate? 

I didn't 

When are you moving next? 

I have no idea. probably never 

When is the last time you took a vitamin? 

this morning, im fighting a cold 

Why are you stressed? 

im not too bad right now tbh

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? 

nope

Where do you keep your birth certificate? 

no clue, my mom has it somewhere 

How many books are in your room?

a lot. I have quite a few on display and a whole bunch hidden away in my closet because theres no space for them anywhere else. I'll include some photos of the books in my room;

(the book on my bedside table in the second picture is actually a lamp that lights up when you open it)

Have you ever been IN a wedding? 

nope

What was the last thing you laughed out loud at?

probably my mom 

Do you have a nickname? Why? 

my family call my bongy or Ali bong, I dont know why.. (my name is Alice)

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? 

nope

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this? 

my mom tells me almost every day but Im like youre my mom of course you would say that 

Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm? 

no

Want someone back in your life? 

meh

Are you currently sad about anything? 

actually nope

Are you wearing anything shiny? 

my pj top has glittery silver letters on

How important is a sense of humor in a significant other? 

very, I fall very easily for people who make me laugh

How many followers do you have on Twitter? 

198 (@alicethenerd if ya wanna follow 😉)

Do you sleep with the door open or closed? 

closed. I aint about letting those murderers and monsters just waltz straight in easy peasy 

Have you ever been to the beach? 

yes every summer since I was a kid 

Can you handle blood? 

nope

Do you pay your bills or do your parents?

I pay my own bills. no way my dad would be up for paying my bills, he already digs at me constantly about the fact that I live rent free even though I look after the foster kids and tidy the house more than he does

What’s your best friend’s middle name? 

Connor

Has any place hired you underage for a job? 

not officially

Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school? 

yes

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? 

no

Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone? 

no

Do you plan to become very wealthy some day? 

I hope to become wealthy enough to not worry about having enough money to put fuel in my car anymore and to be able to pay back my parents and grandad for everything they've done for me 

Do you remember your first time going to the movies? 

no, but my earliest cinema memory was going to watch Monsters Inc with my dad when it was first released 

Does eating breakfast make you sick? 

if I try to eat before a certain time yes

Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute?

not dying to nope

Book series you enjoyed reading recently? 

im reading eve of man atm which apparently is going to be a series

Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing? 

I prefer lying on a blanket, I dont like the feel of grass and I dont like the bugs crawling around 

Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? 

yes, it doesn't have many stamps in because I lost the one that did have lots in and I havent been away much since getting the new one 

Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? 

nope

Do any of your close friends have children? 

no

What do you plan on having for dinner?

we already had dinner, we had chippy

Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting? 

I only really like one meal 

Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone? 

actually yes, literally a few weeks ago

Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? 

yes, my second cousin 

Have you ever played flashlight tag?

ive never heard of it

Could you call yourself a movie buff?

not really, im a huge movie fan but theres still a lot I need to see 

Have you ever had a piercing get infected?

never had a piercing 

Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? 

dad does it

Are you a shorts wearing kind of person? 

nope nope nope, my legs are not suitable for public viewing :’)

Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy?

not really no. my nan and grandpa’s house is always neat but not obsessively neat. my grandads house is full of clutter because my nan was a hoarder 

About how much can you bench press? 

I dont know, I havent lifted in years 

Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation? 

yes

Is anybody in your family a carpenter? 

no

Are you avoiding someone? 

yes

Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? 

I dont have a boyfriend but if I did I doubt id call him monkey

What’s your favorite primary color? 

yellow #hufflepuffpride

What were you for Halloween? 

nothing, I didn't dress up 

Do you have any clothes from Walmart? 

nope, we dont have Walmart here

When did you get a Facebook? 

about 10 years ago 

What color are your eyes? 

green/hazel

What motivates you? 

happiness

Can you walk in heels? 

nope

When was the last time someone asked you your age? 

the other day, my own mother forgot how old I was

Do you keep a journal? 

not really

Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? 

never had vodka

Do you wear a ring on your finger? 

occasionally

What are you doing? 

watching ‘the greatest dancer’ and wondering if this survey is ever going to end 

What’s the last kind of soup you ate?

tomato 

Do you currently have a sunburn?

no. its winter

Who did you last text? 

my sister

Who’d you last call? About what? 

my mom, to ask her to come downstairs and let the dogs out because the baby was asleep on me and there was no way I was going to risk waking her up

Are you currently frustrated with someone? 

yes

Do you drink water or soda more often? 

water

Do you straighten your hair?

yes

When did you last talk to your brother or sister? 

today

What is your least favorite vegetable? 

all of them

Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often. 

Rhys, Addison, Jacob

In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? 

IT

Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at? 

I didn't really enjoy any subjects at school

When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened? 

today. I had planned to deep clean the bathroom but I went super dizzy and had to give up half way through cleaning 

Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent? 

I dont but I am seriously considering adopting one of our foster babies atm. I want to adopt anyway, theres no way I could be pregnant 

When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing?Describe it. 

I honestly cant remember, im due a shopping trip

Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female?

female

Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it. 

not really no

Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them? 

I would cautiously forgive him but I would also make sure he knew that how he treated me was not okay and that he really upset me and this would be his last chance. but tbh I think hes done with me so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nastiest thing you’ve ever done? 

I dont know, I dont like being nasty

Have you ever been in a lighthouse? 

nope

What colour is your shower? 

I think its silver, ive ever actually noticed

Where do you order your pizza from?

dominos

When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone?

few days ago 

Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants? 

yes, im a creature of habit

What colour is your bike?

silver & purple

What word can you not stand to hear people say? 

the c word, I cant even type it

What room of your house are you in? 

living room 

What is the temperature in your city right now? 

9°c

When did you last use a post-it-note?

last week in the script for the show im currently working on 

Would you ever want to own your own restaurant? 

yes

Do you have a fan in your bedroom? 

no I dont like them, they make too much noise 

Who is the last person that you took a picture with? 

one of our foster kids 

When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam?

the weekend before christmas 

Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? 

not many

When was your most recent trip to an aquarium? 

almost two years ago 

What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? 

I dont like salads

If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone? 

all the time, Im constantly writing lists or reminders to myself 

How good would you say your memory is?

long term good, short term bad

About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep? 

a few times

Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds? 

multiple, we have plugs in and sprays and those automatic ones that go off every 15 minutes 

What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently?

done my laundry :’) im on my last pair of pants!

Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? 

no

Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? 

not really, I dont like being too hot

Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? 

no

Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? 

yes, I love driving most of the time 

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? 

no

Do you like french fries?

yes

Have you ever eaten so much you puked?

not since I was a kid 

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? 

annoyingly yes

Would you rather go to Greece or France?

greece

[werewolfwilds]

i redid an ask meme that i had originally done ~3 years ago to see the comparison so for archiving purposes im putting it in a lil journal entry here ! i wanna start doing small journal entries again it was fun when i did that

new answers bolded

1) what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

my desktop bg is literally just…. a collage of kageyama manga screencaps a h a,,,, and my cellphone bg are drawings some gay drew me like 74724 years ago :v // my desktop rn is actually a background from one of the dmmd routes LMFAO..... idk which one it is but i’ve always liked those bg pics!! my cell lock screen is p5 art and my bg is leopika

2) have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

nooooope // nah

3) what was your last text message?

my phone is dead so i wouldnt be able to tell you lmfao i dont even remember // it was a gif from kelly lol

4) what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

hopefully working a job i enjoy and making costumes and being happy!! // god i have no idea and it freaks me out... hopefully working,,

5) if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

hoommee ((or at katsucon tbh)) // at the beach with friends maybe

6) what was your coolest halloween costume?

a white cat probably lmao // i dont think ive ever had a particularly exciting halloween costume but one year i was sharpay from high school musical and i think i peaked then tbh

7) what was your favorite 90s show?

uhhhh….. i didnt really… start watching tv until like… the 2000′s so i really cant tell you man lol // spongebob started in 1999 does that coUNT,

8) who was your last kiss?

(answer redacted) // :/ someone should kiss me so i can change this answer lmao

9) have you ever been stood up?

nope //  nah

10) favorite ice cream flavor?

vanilla w/ vanilla oreos ok u need to underst a n d // this hasn’t changed i haven’t had this particular ice cream in a long time but i still stand by it

11) have you been to las vegas?

nahh // nope

12) your favorite pair of shoes?

idk i have these black ones i wear everywhere lol // i have a pair of white sneakers that i refuse to stop wearing now

13) honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

i wouldnt even consider it. // no bc i’m not a piece of shit lmao?

14) what is your favorite fruit?

hmmm…. pineapple orrr…. strawberries but only if they’re the really good kind like they have to be perfect // pineapple!!

15) have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself  dating/having sex with? if possible?

….. ye s… yes. // in the past apparently so but thinking about it now nah lol

16) are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?

hookups arent my thing eh i prefer long term relationships altho i cant really say ive been in a “long” term relationship pffff // i don’t think hookups will ever be my thing, emotionally long term relationships are what i’m here for but i’m also a Very Impulsive Person so i cant tell you if this will stay a fact :’)

17) do you smoke? if so, what?

nope dont wanna // no thanks

18) what do you do to get over your anger?

usually talk to people or shout into word // i have to vent about it to someone probably a thousand times even months or years after it happens tbh

19) do you believe in god?

nahh // nah

20) does the person you’re in love with know it?

i aint in love with anyone rn so no? // i’m not in love with anyone.

21) favorite position?

………….. for w hat………. // oh honey lmfao... N/A

22) what’s your horoscope sign?

virgo/ox ovob // Virgo/sun, Aries/moon, Libra/rising and Cancer/midheaven

23) your fears?

literally everything i already named a few so ill name some others… ghh anything in… the ocean or lakes and stuff frightens me and i really dont know why bu tlike…. fish and crabs and jellyfish and seaweed cuz it’s evil and stu f f basically anything that’s not a mammal or turtles or penguins…. lo l im a baby // uncertainty is a big fear of mine and also people being mad at me lmao... as far as physical fears though i have debilitating fears of almost all insects/arachnids and lobsters/shrimp/crawfish :^)))))

24) how many pets do you have? what kind?

two cats and a dog!! // one cat one dog

25) what never fails to turn you on?

i dunno,,/////// // lol neck biting/kissing oof

26) your idea of a perfect first date?

im okay with mostly anything i just really like spending time with the person ; v ; // i’ve never really had an answer for this? thinking about dates has always made me so anxious for whatever reason but i’ll be happy to just spend time with them doing whatever honestly, i’m a super indecisive person aha

27) what is something most people don’t know about you?

i dont really know tbh lmfao // i’ve considered in the past looking into mental conditions (anxiety/bpd/etc) to see if i might have one or two but i never want to say anything about it because i don’t want to self-diagnose anything.

28) what makes you feel the happiest?

nice weather and nice conversations w/ best people u//v//u // nice weather and hanging out with people who are fun and easy to talk to

29) what store do you shop at most often?

does….. arda wigs count or… // does arda wigs still count bc mood lmao but truthfully now it’s probably target

30) how do you feel about oral? giving and/or receiving?

kkdkjsfkjkjfj??fsfj/// go for i t??? i have no problems with i t??? i dont think ill ever be willing to put a dick in my mouth though // these random sexual questions thrown in here are something aren’t they lmao. not going to disclose much but i will stand by the fact that i will not put a dick in my mouth lo l

31) do you believe in karma?

sometimes ye // i believe that people will eventually get what’s coming to them but i don’t believe in karma as a solid concept if that makes sense? like i don’t think it’s guaranteed

32) are you single?

yup yup // yeah it’s been wild lmao

33) do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

i think being sincere is the best way to apologize– if you truly mean it the person will know. you dont need to buy your forgiveness. // the best way to apologize is just to apologize sincerely and change your behavior if it’s applicable.

34) are you a good swimmer?

ehh??? im ok i guess– i took swimming lessons as a kid but i havent done legit swimming ever since then lmao,, ive always been best at the backstroke tho yea // i mean i have the ability to swim but i’m not olympic-worthy or anything lmao

35) coffee or tea?

ehhh im not big on either tbh // chocolate milk and you can fight me

36) online shopping or shopping in person?

depends what your shopping for i guess?? online is more relaxed i guess // online probably because shopping in person Gives Me Anxiety

37) would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

ehhh im happy where i am tbh // older

38) cats or dogs?

do not make me choose // cats and dogs* there i fixed it for you

39) are you a competitive person?

ahaa,,,,, oh god yeah,, // OOF yeah

40) do you believe in aliens?

i believe there’s life on other planets somewhere?? so i guess?? // i believe in aliens in the sense that there’s no way we are the only living life forms in the universe but not in the science-fiction way you feel me

41) do you like dancing?

i do but i suck at it lmao // i do but i: A- suck, and B- have no stamina

42) what kind of music to you listen to?

nearly everything tbh // i’m not picky when it comes to music but imma be real w u. almost all of the music on my phone is kpop. seventeen is my favorite group along with astro, and i also enjoy super junior, shinee, red velvet, etc among so many others,,, im pretty wide spread !

43) what is your favorite cartoon character?

i will never be able to pick just one // i’ll literally never be able to answer this

44) where are you from?

philadelphia uvu // philly!

45) eat at home or eat out?

hmmm at home. // at home

46) how much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i never plan on being drunk tyvm // i’ve never consumed alcohol in my life and to be Quite Fucking Honest i want nothing to do with it

47) what was the last thing you bought for yourself?

bracelets ! ; u ; // uh... excluding food and music... earrings i think

48) why do you think your followers follow you?

uhhhhhhh lmfao i have no idea i think… a good amount are for my cosplays at least?? or id like to think so lmfao but i really dont know pfft // my followers have just accumulated and hung around over the years... i know i gained a good amount from my snk days as arlert-the-troops and then through my haikyuu phase, whether it was for my cosplay or other posts that i made... whenever someone follows me now im not entirely sure what its for but i appreciate everyone who’s stuck around!

49) how many hours do you sleep at night?

it’s never regular man // 6-9 (lol) hours is pretty normal for me

50) what worries you most about the future?

everything tbh // the future as a concept worries me lol

[egobangin-tonight]

[hearingmyselftalk]

interesting phenomenon, really

the things you learn from the people that you date. 

you learn what you like and what you don’t like, what you’ll tolerate and what you absolutely won’t stand for... but something i never thought about until my last relationship is: what are peoples thresholds forreal? and at what point is acknowledging these thresholds the right time to?

what do i mean by thresholds? people’s tolerance, expounded. what are people really willing to put up with when it comes to a boyfriend/girlfriend. you know how people date and joke around and say, “if i were to get into some kind of freak accident and left bound to a wheelchair for the rest of my life, would you still love me?” that’s a super high threshold innit? 

if we were to scale a threshold or were to explain different levels of tolerance as scenarios to ME, they would go as follows;

-losing a job -finding out you’re depressed/anxious some other kind of mental ailment -repetitive, never ending, annoying arguments -physical ailment, something long term or something like losing a limb, or facial disfigurement -toxic arguments where there are often low-blows, using something said in confidence to you as a defense, verbal abuse -terminal illness of yourself or direct family members -death of a close family member

along the lines, i’m sure there are other various scenarios that would test a persons tolerance or their threshold for dealing with you like if you murdered someone or, just having too different of opinions or even something smaller (i guess i figure the smaller things would get weeded out earlier because if those things bother you now, you figure you would address them now, but that’s for another time) however, you really have to know the person you’re dealing with.

that’s really my bottom line. it sounds so simple like when you say it outloud, but really, investing so much emotionally and mentally into a person, when it comes down to bullet two, repetitive, annoying never ending fights... i’m just different because one) i believe in picking and choosing your battles and two) i genuinely have thought ive found the person that i would obviously prefer not to have fights with, but if they were gonna be with anybody, they’d be with you...and it doesn’t ever happen like that for me is what i’m trying to say. 

i’ve grown EXPONENTIALLY when it comes down to how i handle my relationships. i really really need to work on the whole “leave before you get left” ideology because it’s not working. it just doesn’t work. and that’s not even what i really want. i’m truly a lover, and im a firm believer in fighting for the shit that you really want. nobody ever wants to fight for me though. LOL. i read in mark mansons book unfuck yourself, about being a winner. telling myself we weren’t going to end up together and we would stop talking, is me being me, self sabotaging, and at this point, miss me with manifestation because that shit doesn’t work for me either, but saying that and then it happening is literally me winning. but in the bad way. in the way that mark said that we fuck ourselves. by inadvertently or subconsciously and even really more often than not consciously make decisions and essentially have thoughts that turn into exactly what ends up happening. i end up winning but not really in the way i want. 

but then i ask myself, can i even be mad, really? can i? i knew that he wasn’t sure about me for a long time, so i believe i’m equally guilty of knowing the cards could have fell like this. but then the lover in me says, i stayed to see if anything would change, but the reality is, you can’t love someone into loving you. and as much as i wanted to put a lot of ... i don’t want to say blame but a lot of the weight on “a man” knowing about you, right, knowing if you’re “the one” or “her”, but i feel like if you’re in a place where you’re even questioning if you think he’s certain about you, or if you’re ballsy enough and wanna fucking ask, hey, how do you really feel about me, do you feel like i could be right, or am i just for right now, and if he straight up tells you, it ain’t you, you’ve got choices, but one of them ISN’T getting mad at the fact ya’ll break up because he finally decided he didn’t want to be with you anymore.

how mad can you get, can you be, really, right? if you willingly participate and spend time and make yourself available for someone who reciprocates time and energy but not affection. they won’t talk about relationships with you in a realistic way. they speak to you as if everything is up in the air and they have no kind of control or role to play in the situation. you can’t be mad at that. you can’t blame someone for finally making up their mind. 

and, speaking of getting mad, you can’t get mad about someone not being sure about spending the rest of their life with you, or even what a future looks like with you, if you yourself can’t even see the future!! make it make sense. the only concrete plan i really have for myself is suicide, and i’m a super high functioning depressive, so that sounds really sad or whatever, but i mean, really, that’s the only thing my mind reverts to whenever i think about the future forreal. even when i’m “happy*”, i don’t ever see me 5 or 10 years from now, like in a better place, happy. 

i wonder if that’s because i’m just a negative, miserable ass person, or if, like i’ve said before, my depression just really does not allow me to see into the future. i don’t even like trying to project months time, because fuck, anything could happen. it seems easier to predict negative timelines or realities than positive ones, because my happiness doesn’t really seem to exceed 2 years. and sick of me to frame the basis of my happiness on when i was in relationships but i know me. but really, i don’t see anything when i think about the future, it’s like just this completely blank slate and anything could happen... it’s like im sure ill be alive i guess somewhere but living where? doing what? with who and i had what? nah. it’s just not, realistic, i can’t plan for something i can’t even imagine. 

but i don’t know why being in relationships make me happy?? i’ve tried to reason it within myself and i’ve got some pretty solid theories: - weird familial dynamic when it came to showing and expressing love to each other has me desperate for a non obligatory love, that actually caters to my love language  - obviously being with someone who makes you feel good and you vibe with and shit literally does shit to your chemically but yeah what the fuck ever -trying to make up for attention i didn’t get when my sister was sick, so i’ve turned to romantic love as an escape, or attach romantic love with feeling happy because i was in a serious relationship with someone when my sister first got sick so having that person to go to made me feel better -unprotected sex -im just a codependent person because i dont have any other friends, hobbies, interests or activities i like to do, so being up under someone and consumed with them gives me something to do -gives me hope?

i think i might really be getting down and into some shit right now... i was going to say to myself well why would being in a relationship give me hope, and i know i was saying that because i often feel worthless and like nobody will love me forreal, but it’s like, why is that the basis of happiness for me? i love love, but love might not really fuck with me forreal because the fact that i even am doing this shit for love, but getting fucked by love, or letting some fuck ass boy tell me i’m worthless like be an end all be all for me... or somebody deciding that they don’t want to be with me or that i’m not the girl they want to spend their life with, why should that bother and break me so bad? 

why does that end up being the bottom line or how shit comes back around? i didn’t really attach the fact that i was with someone that made me feel good when i was going through something that would change my life forever. completely. i think this is it. i rely so heavily on relationships as a source of happiness because when i was at my lowest, my relationship made me feel good. 

it just dawned on me, i’ve never had a relationship that ended on a healthy amicable note, or that wasn’t overly explosive and “passionate”... and i think i blow up because i associate people i love leaving me, with abandoning me to be back alone with my problems i have due to my sister being sick. 

im unpacking these things. that is a completely new concept that i had never thought about or realized before. i knew i was USING relationships to overcompensate.... i remember telling ____ _, i use people/guys im dating as an escape from my reality. when you don’t want to see someone losing their mind, you want to be with anybody that can keep you away from that and make you feel good about yourself. you want to be with and around someone that’s going to make you feel normal. 

that’s another thing i’ve been thinking about lately... my lack of knowledge about various kinds of mental health fucked me too. if i had even an inkling that it was a much grander spectrum than crazy socio psycho i would have been better prepared. i blame tv. i blame schools. nowadays, you see advertisements for all kinds of mental health issues. and good for people now to be exposed, but i feel like i was blindsided by not knowing. i would have spent less time being upset about it because i would have known better.

i feel like i kind of just, one day got tossed into that life, or like literally that’s when my season of the truman show, but featuring me was on. and it was just a terrible fucking time in my life. 

i started taking some drugs to help, i stopped them though, but they did really work. i just wish i didn’t have to remember them or stay on such a routine about it... i didn’t feel anything at all. and that’s how i would love to feel all the time. just neutral. i remember watching a soldier coming home and surprising their mom or something video and wanted to cry even just happy tears and my body wouldn’t do it. i said i would take a pill before tomorrow, when i’m supposed to be meeting up with the guy who i’ve spent the out of the last 16 months? all but 3 collectively (if you added up all the single days out of the last 16 months, it would probably equate to 3 months i did not see this person), and now we don’t talk. i’m crushed but also ^^^ ????? you see what the fuck i’m talking about. i can’t be mad. 

that’s really what i keep saying to myself. literally, everyday i tell myself. “he’s going to talk to, and have sex with, and date, and kiss and talk to other people. he probably is now. he is going to date her for a couple of months, make her his girlfriend, they will get engaged, or have a baby and that is what will happen because we are 30 and that’s what happens when you’re 30. you find someone else and you just move on” no joke. i say that to myself everyday. it really helps too, because when we first stopped talking, i used to get the worst gut wrenching anxiety, to the point i would feel like i was going to throw up. thinking about him with someone else, laying up with someone else, exploring and just doing the little shit with someone else, it stings, but i did get through typing out that off the script part of my mantra about the reality of dating without my stomach turning too much.

my body had been tried to tell me to get out. and i ignored it for so long. i don’t think we would rekindle this relationship. if it was up to him we would never talk about it again, and we would actually probably never talk again. if i see him tomorrow, if he doesn’t flake on me. i know the whole vibe will be different. i know he won’t try to sit next to me or want to talk about it. i’m just going to be coming over as a friend, to smoke and watch black monday.

the real test will be going into his crib and sitting in his presence, it’s been over a month, and my stomach is actually going crazy thinking about that, but again, that’s my ever active imagination. i’ve always had one, even as a kid. thinking up literally the most dramaticized versions of situations that would never ever ever fucking happen, like really like some only in the movies shit and even then it would be a fucking corny ass cringey ass movie. im getting queasy thinking about some shit and how awkward it will be, and he’ll end up texting me to cancel the whole shit before this misery can actually play itself out. lmao.

it hurts to feel replaceable when we were so cool though. and honestly, dating him is a regret i actually have. i regret that, forreal. i would have preferred to just have been friends. because knowing what i know and have been known, that i was i never her, i always knew that wasn’t going to magically change for me, even if i played along and put on the monkey suit. it was always on some “im just tryna see” shit.... it’s like why even mix shit up or get so involved? i knew he didn’t know, he knew he didn’t know, we both knew he didn’t know, and the conversation “youre either gonna accept it, and stay or leave” it’s literally so fucking insulting but when you actually fuck around and accept it and stay, that’s when you’re sick and you fucked up on some real shit. but when you’re thinking to yourself “if i leave, this nigga won’t care” and like you KNOW, leaving would only prove yourself right... you really just feel stupid. 

but that’s really my thing though. at the end of the day, i was really fed up, ready to get the fuck on and be over it. i was mad and upset and talking crazy and real slick, but after a few weeks i would have reached back out to him like i dont want beef, and i legitimately don’t think i would be here now dwelling on shit. it’s like i was already out the door right, like, i had all my shit, my coat, keys, phone, wallet, mask, feelings, everything. i had never been so ready to be out in mY LIFEEEE... and then it’s like you went and did the one thing i put emphasis on meaning something to me and like at an attempt to grasp straws or like not lose the fight, you did that, and then turned around and flipped on me and now treat me like i said fuck your mother, eat shit, i hope you die.... i’m just confused. that’s why im torn like am i really not shit... or do the people i meet and glorify really just be terrible people? i kind of think just off the fact that he did that, i shouldn’t talk to him ever again. to practically beg me to not stop talking to you, it like literally feels like you only did that shit so that YOU could be the one breaking things off. and that’s beyond petty to me. it’s super vindictive, and like we say shit is mean, and people are mean, but like in the context of things, doing something especially specific to someone that to them means you care, and then renege on that, you might as well had just spit in my face forreal. 

i have a feeling stronger now, that we won’t link up tomorrow. 

link. lol. at 3:50 IN THE MORNING he texted me asking me about this stick figure dancing really silly that i sent it to him talking about thats how i dance in his kitchen, and it’s hard to think he wasn’t up after having just fucked someone and probably saw something similar to that and was dying laughing thinking about the one i sent... so when i sent it to him, he asked for a link to it, probably because the screenshot of the video i sent had me laughing in it or something, and he couldn’t show that to the new girl bc “he texted a “friend” (non gender specific) and they had the video and wanted to see if they still had it” 

but a goofy i am that i thought he mayyyy have meant link with me, with all that extra emphasis, and of course, when i replied in extra innocent confusion, i don’t have the link only a screen recording.. he said oh. lol. 

when we decided to stop talking in general it was goofy. i email him saying i miss you, he unblocks my number and texts me somewhere between i miss you too and im pissed off still and so we talk and he’s like oh i spent this last week hating you for no reason and yadda yadda and then that segways into me talking about us being done, and he goes “why are you so finite about everything, i need to time to just sit and think” just to still turn around in the same day and be like yeah naw we don’t talk now. everything is a mixed message, but i’m just gonna chalk it i wouldn’t dare even try to bring the shit up unless he tried to. but that was it. like okay we don’t talk no more. and again we didn’t have screaming matches or block each others number again after that or any other petty fights. so for us to go from seeing each other to every day to it’s been over a month, and texting someone who would text you back within 3 minutes, not even respond to you for hours or even the same day.... the shit is all just weird. it really makes me even second guess being around him because it’s like, i know i still care, but that’s just me hurting myself to care. at this point, he’s accepted that it’s over and done with and his life will go on and he’ll date new people and hang out with new girls and get to know them and like completely throw me away like the fact that it doesn’t even feel like this person is even a friend now is completely beyond me. maybe im just that fucking far removed from dating and breaking up so me expecting someone to still want to talk to me is asinine and insane but what the fuck ever. 

honestly, i’m a better writer or more expressive when i’m depressed. in a manic depressive episode, i thought for a second, if i start documenting what i write when i’m sad, and i get a really good series of short sad stories or these bouts of where i just want to say some shit like this whole post, then when i kill myself someone will find them and ill be like a fucking world renown emo writer like poe, saying beautiful miserable shit that people relate to and relate to it so much more because the pain of what i go through is seared into them, so they get it. 

pain.... i thought earlier about pain and suicide..... and how people who are suicidal and are looking for a way out but would like it to be as painless as possible are people who already deal with too much pain they know they can’t take anymore because they want to leave, but they literally also can’t take anymore because it’s like, give me a fucking break. then you have the suicidal people who do shit like suicide by cop or slit their wrists or set themselves on fire and shit, and i think, people like that feel so much pain, maybe they’re incapable of even registering the out as painful... maybe having to feel that is nothing compared to how they feel all the time... 

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot