#the one thats honest about what its like and how exhausting and scary it is

[definitelynotshouting]

Anon im gonna keep most of your message private to protect your own privacy, but i just wanted to say: i am really, incredibly glad that ive been able to do this for you, and i am so so happy that you feel recognized in my writing. More than that, im glad it makes you feel hopeful-- hope is so valuable, and so utterly hard to find sometimes, so i am incredibly grateful that my writing provides a bit for you. Im equally glad ive been able to talk about some of the aspects of mental illness that just never feel talked about, too, I hope you continue to see both yourself and that sense of hope as the fic goes on❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[stevie-petey]

could we perchance get a lil blurb about why/how reader and dustin started their code blues, or maybe just one of their code blues before all the upside down stuff started ? love seeing their sibling relationship always and i think seeing them talking and sharing emotions with each other would be really sweet <3

dustin n reader <333 babies <333

enjoy !

"just because dad left it doesnt mean you can be a bitch."

dustins words cut through you like knives.

"okay, first off, never use that word towards a girl ever again." he rolls his eyes at you and you flick his nose, which he scoffs at. "secondly, i have no idea what youre talking about."

dustin again rolls his eyes. "yeah, you do. youve been a real b- i mean, a real jerk lately."

you want to argue with him, but the words dont seem to come. all you seem to do lately is argue with everyone. and now, confronted with your little brother calling you bitch, you find that youre exhausted.

"i have, havent i?" you finally admit.

dustin nods. "yeah."

you forget sometimes how smart the kid can be. hes only nine and yet here he is, calling you out for actions you shouldve noticed yourself. hes too young to be worrying about this.

"im sorry,"

"its okay. i get it. he sucks, doesnt he?"

"he does, but im still sorry for being such a bitch."

"i thought we couldnt use that word."

you ruffle dustins hair. "nope, youre not allowed to. i am, though."

he sighs, as if expecting that response, and starts to walk out your room. the conversation doesnt feel finished yet, however, and you call after him. "wait!'

"i gotta pee."

"okay, and i told you to wait."

he groans but sits back down on your bed. "do you wanna... talk?"

"ew!"

"i know, but... im serious, buddy. we havent really talked since dad left and i realize i kinda suck as a big sister right now." you feel guilt crawling up your throat, one of the few emotions youve felt these last few days. your dad left a few weeks ago, but sometimes it feels like its been a lifetime.

"you dont suck," dustin reassures you. "youre just... scary right now."

you snort. "yeah, like thats any better."

its quiet now, and dustin sits stiffly against your bed. he seems scared being so close to you, as if you could erupt any second, and you feel horrible for it. youre not sure what you can do, though. theres still so much anger within you, resentment and betrayal, and you dont know how to express so much without hurting those around you.

then, an idea comes to you.

"what about this. we'll call it a code blue."

dustin looks up at you, curious. "whats a code blue?"

"well, my dear brother, its something we'll do when we cant express how we feel or when we think the other sibling needs to have a talk. whenever one of us calls a code blue, the other has to answer honestly and listen as best as they can. once its over, we never bring it up again and we conclude with a hug. hows that sound?"

he thinks for a moment. "honest about anything?"

"mhm,"

"alright. i think that could work. seems less emotional."

you laugh. "i figured youd like that part."

"so... code blue?" dustin asks hesitantly.

"code blue."

you tell dustin everything, explaining why youve been so destructive and bitter and mean. he listens as best as any nine year old can, and as you tell him everything, the weight that had been pressing against your chest these last few weeks begins to lessen. slowly, during the code blue, it becomes easier to breathe.

when youre finally done, right as the last words leave your lips, dustin throws his arms around you. "i love you."

you bring a hand to his hair and kiss the top of his head. "i love you, too. dont let me get all mean again, yeah?"

"i wont."

"good."

[fish-fearme]

ive been mulling and brewing and digesting this for such a long time and excuse me for ranting but if you can, please picture me chainsmoking as you read.

its such a deep sadness to me to see this spreading of the ‘irony epidemic’, this fear of being earnest, its the kids sitting behind me during pearl moaning to each other over how nothing scary is happening, only to laugh out loud exclaiming “please, emma stoneeee” and laughing, they’ve seen that on twitter hahaha thats hilarious!! and the guy next to me who spent the entirety of priscilla on his phone then boasted to his friends he thought it was so boring, bas luhrmann’s elvis was so much more fun! this refusal to be immersed, to allow yourself to be uncomfortable without cracking a joke, ate like isaiah ate ethel! mama a girl inside you! nothing means anything anymore and its reduced to one liners, a funeral for liam payne with the one direction dolls to the sound of brat, a girl died at the eras tour in rio? one less swiftie! can we be serious for one second? can we be sincere and human about anything? can we stop working so hard to curate ourselves to the other as these aloof, superior to love and kindness, caricatures of people?

ive had several therapy sessions where ive cried over my youth and the years i wasted trying to look cool, to impress other people with my taste in music and films and somewhere there i lost myself and what actually mattered to me, what i actually loved that really brought me joy. i was then and am again now scared of sharing my art online, because someone might see something of myself in it! and god isnt that so embarrassing? isnt it so cringe to be vulnerable? its all so exhausting.

When was the last time you allowed yourself to show your love for something without fear of being ridiculed? why are we making fun of joy? are you even enjoying this? do you remember what it is like to be moved by something, to feel it within yourself and love it without being told why you should love it? how far are you willing to stray from your own humanity for fucking internet points? you’re reading a book because you saw someone else talk about it on tiktok solely so you can trash it in the comments. you’re watching a movie half paying attention and half trying to come up with the perfect funny letterboxd review. arent you tired of being scared all the time? do you even know how to be honest with yourself?

[tzuyuscloud]

Virtual Reality- (smau)

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ ＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ ＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚

02. Welcome to Tokki

cw// mention of murder

Your last week at home flew by fast as you anticipated your new life ahead of you. Still you stayed awake some nights questioning if it was just a huge scam because surely no one can become a professional esports player this easily right?

Dozing off on the plane, your body was overflowing with emotion, sad because you were leaving your parents and home for the first time, happy because you were able to live your dream of becoming an esports player, but then nervous and scared because what if it was all fake and then you get to the condo and they murder you.

But it was totally real though…right? You shook your head of all the thoughts and just tried focusing on the fact that you were going to be landing in 2 hours, leaving you more excited than when you boarded the plane.

-

It took you 4 exhausting hours to find your luggage when you got off the plane, you were left mentally drained, starved and thirsty as you frantically searched for Haseul, who said she would pick you up.

‘Minji?!?’ you thought to yourself as you slowly lost your mind in the busy airport. ‘Out of all people?!?’ let’s be honest you were only freaking out about your first encounter with the members being Minji because she was freaking hot.

While you were trying to extinguish the flames in your brain, you heard a deep voice from behind you, making you jump higher than when you play Roblox horror games.

“Holy crap!” you gasped while clutching your chest. Minji just stared at you with an amused smile as you made eye contact with the brunette Korean girl. As dramatic as you were, your life was feeling like a cliche kdrama as you felt the sunlight rays hit only the two of you as you stared at her. That poor girl.

“ahem, um well we should get going before it gets too dark, I don’t like driving at night.” Minji mumbled as she took hold of your suitcase leaving you with just the carry on bag.

The drive to the condo was silent and awkward as you tried to contain yourself from staring at the woman who just wanted to get home and probably escape from you. Minji was the first one to break the silence, “was the flight comfortable?” she asked, as she switched to driving with one hand while the other rested on the gear shift.

“yeah surprisingly it was relaxing” you smiled earning a smile back.

“thats good, its a long flight so im glad it was comfortable for you.” Minji made more conversation that helped break the ice between the two of you before you.

Arriving at the condo, she helped you bring everything in. Your jaw was on the floor as you saw how huge the place was. “Let me give you a quick tour” she winked. ‘Did she just wink or am I delusion?’ you thought.

You followed the leader as she trailed around the place, “this is the gaming room where we will all spend majority of our time practicing and streaming. We have to stream 80 hours a month and if you don’t make it by the end end of the month, then Haseul will deduct your paycheck.” Minji scratched her neck.

“has it happened to you before?” you asked with a hint of fear.

“no but it has happened to Hanni and she was asking Yeojin unnie for food money nearly everyday because she didn’t have enough.” Minji laughed. You could just image the short Vietnamese girl trailing around her unnie asking for food money.

“That’s scary” you shivered.

“Just stream, you’ll be fine” Minji said trying to ease your concerns. “The next two rooms are Haerin and Hyein’s room, they are our little Tokki trainee’s. They are actually like our little siblings, but they will stay here sometimes so these are their bedrooms.” Minji pointed to the cute decorated doors.

Halfway through the tour you realized that no one was home, “Where is everyone?”

“oh, they had a photoshoot for a brand collaboration, I did my part this morning so I have the house to myself, well semi” she laughed. Finally she brought you to your room after showing the bathrooms and other bedrooms, and it was decorated nicely with all of the items you told Haseul you enjoyed.

“oh my gosh, this is amazing!” your eyes were about to fall out of your head.

Minji stood behind you smiling at your reaction before clearing her throat, “well I’ll let you settle in and unpack, the girls should be back in a few minutes. We can do introductions later tonight” She smiled at you. Now you knew why her fan base when stupid crazy over her smile and called her ‘oppa.’ It was truly addicting.

“okay” you replied.

As she was about to leave she opened the door again, “oh and welcome to Tokki, I hope you enjoy it here” she smiled again this tome showing her pretty white pearls. Causing you to get butterflies. Getting butterflies within three hours of being with her, well done.

Summary: You were scouted to be on a pro esports team when you started to find yourself falling for the leader, Minji as well as Hanni. Leaving you in difficult situations that eventually effect your performances. As Minji starts being harder on you, you can’t help but lean on Hanni for support, but deep down you wonder if any of them feel the same way you feel for them.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ ＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ ＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚

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@yyeonmis @slowlyturninggay291 @haerout @dmndtears

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[dykejugheadjones]

its so mentally and physically draining to see the person i’ve been best friends with for over 3 years just slowly stop hanging out with me and our friends and start with new people. They always wait for there new friends after their lessons and i they just barely put effort into being my friends anymore. they never talk to me unless They have to, they never reply to any messages at all and i’m always the one who has to go and find them because otherwise i think they’ll probably just stop talking to me. I don’t usually post stuff like this cuz i usually do it on twitter but its honestly so fucking exhausting and i cant talk to anyone about it because I feel like confrontation will just make the whole thing way worse than it is. Honestly i cant even go 5 minutes without feeling like shit and I just want to stop being so fucking sensitive about things like this but i dont know how and its killing me and to be perfectly honest i dont think ill make it to 18. It’s also making me lose my appetite and thats really fucking scary because the last time something like this happened it took me over 2 months to be what i was like before all the shitty things started and i really want to put that all behind me but everything that happens seems to be against me recovering and being a normal person. my life is falling to fucking pieces right infront of me.

[wtfuggg]

1st?

Writing this for myself. I think. I don't really know what I'm doing starting this; probably the same reason that I've bought 6 journals from Whitcoulls and not once have I made it past 4 entries. I think I love the idea of having my thoughts in one place so I can reflect back and see what I thought at a specific time. Such a shame my memory stretches back to max last weekend.

Like, my memory now is horrifically bad. I don't even recall what I had for lunch yesterday, let along what I did at work today. My grandma had Alzheimers, so maybe it's started making its way down to me. Finger's crossed it isn't but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised, I feel like my dad's side of the genetics (aka my fucked up hairline) is predominent in my make up. Sad right?

Anyways, I wish I could just reflect back on my life and instantly recall what I felt. I wish I could look back in time and remember what I thought when I was in the closet? Or what I felt when my mum passed away? Or when I was in love with my best friend's American flatmate? God I wish I had written down my thoughts more often, time is flying by incredibly fucking fast. And it's scary. And it's daunting. And its all the synonyms of "frightening" you can think of.

Here goes my first entry. Digital this time, so maybe I wont be as ceebs when it comes to this in comparison to when I grab a pen and paper and I feel like I'm in an indie little film x

Bur for real, I wanna start this little blog off with how I'm, feeling right now. Right now is Friday the 15th of September 2023. A week prior to my one year anniversary at work. A year and a month since I've moved to Auckland. 2 years since I graduated uni. 2 years since my mum died. 3 years since covid. God, isn't it weird how you think of time through milestones? Like why can't everyday just be a milestone. I guess its self explanatory - and I guess I'm only frustrated that I can't remember my life.

I'm already ceebs writing this not gonna lie hahahaha, but I'm gonna push through but maybe I break this down into more bit sized chunks. Next one I'll do a piece on how I push people away, maybe sprinkle a little bit of self pity and self loathing into that one xox

Right now, I feel like I'm going through it - but not in the same way that I've gone through it in the past. I think it's some sort of growth, but I couldn't be certain. I really have no idea what I'm feeling. I wish I could say. I mean a few nights ago, I was ranting to my flatmate how I'd wanna go back to Christianity, then the following day I was sending Gavin Caselegno messages asking him for dick pics? Like I cant seem to make my mind up. God it must be so exhausting to be around me. I pity myself. I pity anyone around me to be honest. Don't think anyone should be around me. Why? Cause I'm fucking up and down man, every single day. I could be happy one moment and be depressed as fuck the next. It's a constant cycle of being inconsistent. If it's tiring for me, I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like for anyone in close proximity to me. Or maybe I'm just overthinking this too much. No one actually cares. Genuinely no one. So maybe I just live my life how I wanna live it lol.

I think it's all catching up to me - being indecisive that is. I feel my entire life has been a mask - I don't really know myself and thats why I cant control my emotions. In fact, for a little while i thought everyone was faking their emotions cause i didnt feel any. Probably up until 2021, I genuinely thought that there was something wrong with me cause I never felt any 'real' emotion. Or If i did, I didn't think they were real, or I didn't have the emotional capacity to rationalise them. I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel all the emotions, but empathy is something I dont think I have.

That's another thing too. I'm so fucking selfish its insane hahahaha, Like I feel like I'm only ever concerned about myself. But so be it, am i right? No one's ever been there for me. Friends drift away, relationships drift away, even family, who i thought would be forever.. also drift away.. how fucking sad hey. Mateeeee honestly now that I'm starting to unpack this I feel like this will take way longer than anticipated lol. maybe this can be my little therapy book x

Kinda tired writing - so maybe i give this up and save it for another time. My flatmates are also watching a fucking show and I can't sleep and its grinding my gears damn. Anyways, okay signing off. Gonna check back in soon x

[wherestarsfallaway]

I feel like this is a scary place. It holds some of my deepest hurtful memories. Memories of anger and spite. Memories of loneliness and sadness. It holds everything I wish to forget. Yet why do i find rereading my horrible thoughts so comforting?

Is it because I’m so goddamn alone that reading someones darkness… even if its my own.. feels comforting. Because someone out there is feeling that darkness too. Except. Its all just me anyway. Sometimes i feel like I come back here because I can look at these memories and think wow but I dont feel like that any more… so ive healed and grown.

Sometimes… I come back here to read all my thoughts about being hurt. And literally validate myself. Reread those thoughts and think ok. Well. She documented this years ago. So it mustve actually happened. Instead gas lighting away my own hurt. And chalking it up to nothing because thats easier

Today is the 20th.. well 21st now of December. In a few short days itll be christmas time and ill be back at my parents. I typed home first. But… i just really cant consider that true.

It hurts me so so much that I can’t truly love my family. It just does. I have this fantasy that I go on a podcast and I admit all the trauma I grew up with and people comment on that video that they understand and thank me for my vulnerability. What the therapist in me says that means is, i just want to be asked how Im actually doing and feeling for once without lying. And then get the chance to vent my true feelings. And then be thanked for being honest and vulnerable because I never got that experience growing up.

Its so complicated. There are months even that we are fine. Months where i think life is okay. Months where i finally feel like ive moved on and learned to get over all this bullshit. But that isnt true. And i fucking know it. Because the smallest randomest things will trigger me and I realize I havent healed at all. Im just hoping that the passage of time will dull the pain. But it wont. At least not fast enough for me.

I want to elope. And thats mainly because I feel like the only people who truly made me safe deserve to be there on my biggest most special day. And that person happens to be the person im actually marrying. And literally no one else. Why should I pay for people who didnt do the absolute bare minimum to celebrate my day? What did you do to earn the plate of my dinner because this isnt some fucking charity event.

I just saw someone say if youre considering ending it all because you think your family will be better off, dont because it isnt true. Yeah. I sometimes feel that. Ive felt both. Ive felt that sheer loneliness so deep and bitter that i think my family will be better off without me. But other days I know it would ruin them and that makes me happier because I actually wanna end it all out of sheer spite. Can you believe that. Sometimes. I was so angry at it all. Angry at the facade everyone else seemed to believe about us being the perfect family, that i wanted to die just so people would have to attend my funeral and realize what a shitshow it all was. Can you imagine how much fucking pain you have to put someone through for that to literally be their dying wish.

I’ve been paying rent on my own for months now. Which. At some level I understand. Im grown. But im literaly addicted to living here on my own because im terrified now of ruining the one space that makes me happy. If i have to hold my breath any longer Ill just pass away. I cant stand to compromise any more because I’ve just done this shit for too fucking long. I dont wanna hold my breath and tiptoe around my own house. I wanna relax and feel something other than anxiety in the space thats supposed to be my home. But im also exhausted. I finished my final two days ago but I’ve already worked so many hours. Ive been falling asleep midday because Im so emotionally exhausted. I just cant.

And meanwhile my family is fucking partying in las vegas. That shit builds so much resentment in me. I dont have to explain it. You know it. You understand. You dont wanna feel the betrayal anymore of knowing you were going thru a crisis just as deep and bad as your sister. But you just shut your mouth better about it. And nobody ever apologized for what they put you through. So you dont ever get closure.

At this point im so tired and sad I cant even continue this letter. Even though i have so much I want to get off my chest. My head hurts. My head hurts so bad from staring at a screen for 9 hours.

I have the sinking feeling this xmas season… sigh. I dont want to manifest it. But I wish I didnt have to go. I wish I could spend that week here. I’m tired. I barely have the strength to do anything anymore. And now Ill have to spend this break pretending. I wish I didnt want their approval so much. And i wish I could just let them go and live the life i truly want to live. Im tired.

Sometimes I fantasize about moving somewhere in secret. Turning off my location. And just vanishing. So i would have no more obligations.

But i never get what i want.. so heres to more hopeless dreams

Gnight

[khaleesiofalicante]

OH MY GOD! ITS HAPPENING! Its only the summary and I’m emo 😂 I should be studying for my exams, but I have tomorrow for that ;)

Ok, lets do this:

UDHWIJSHW THEY ARE SO CUTE FOR EACH OTHER I CANT-

"He preferred to hide his heart away. But he couldn’t hide David. He didn’t want to. David deserved to be seen." Like father like son. Both speeking poetry about their love ones. (and no, Idk which father I'm talking about 😂)

“I don’t think they are fake dating,” David hummed from the other end. “You don’t talk for hours every night if you are just fake dating.” (THANK YOU DAVID! SOMEONE THAT ITS NOT BLIND)

"They like doing chores. Let them do it. They fight demons all day and then come home and do chores. I feel like it’s their form of therapy. They need this.”“So, by not helping them, we are technically helping them?” Bapa had asked and Max had nodded with a grin. “Shadowhunters are weird.” “True dat,” Max had laughed. They were all weirdos. But Max loved them anyway. He loved his weird shadowhunters. (The domesticity lf this is killing me in a good way🥺)

“Will you on a date with me? Tomorrow?” Max asked then – because why the hell not. (Hell yeah Max. Go big or go home babe😎)

“This date is going to be the best first date in the history of first of dates.” In retrospect, he really shouldn’t have said that. (I'm already feeling his chaotic ass will do something like Magnus did, but lets keep hope)

"Maybe Lexi and Liv would probably enjoy a date – a fake date - in the arcade." Could I be more in love with both of them?? Is that physically possible?? 💙

Elyaas giving Max dating advice!! Lmaooo 😂😂

"His parents would not be pleased if they knew Max was summoning demons for relationship advice. But they had also encouraged Max to make friends with everyone regardless of their identity. So, technically this was their fault. They gave him very mixed messages."  YOU LIL SHIT. YOU ARE NOT WRONG THO...

FUCK. An attack??

You lil shit Max.

Yep, Rafael has to deal with it everyday 😂

OOMG YESS. THE ALIANCE RUNE!!

"So, when he got tired, he would simply fix the problem by eating. It was a win-win to be honest." I feel like I should say something, but tbh it makes sense

Ok, this fight is intense

Wait. Anjali is there???  What?

Oh ok, it wasn’t

“Say the thing!”Rafael groaned and raised his hands, the alliance rune lighting up.“I’m not just a shadowhunter,” Rafael said through gritted teeth. “I’m Magnus Bane’s son.” I'm dead 😂

THAT SCENE WAS EVERYTHING. LOVE THOSE TWO

“Well, demons are stupid,” Max pointed out. “Yeah, that makes sense,” Rafael said with a mouthful of food. “You are half demon after all.” “Asshole,” Max laughed and punched his brother.

“Text dad we are okay,” Rafael said, slowly recovering. “They will worry.”Max nodded and did that. (This just summ up sibling relationships so well *chef kiss*)

“It can be hard, Max. Bapak and dad…Sometimes I look at them and feel like I will never have what they have.” YUP. THEY HAVE SIBLINGS DYNAMIC. ALSO RAFAEL IS JUST 🥺🥺🥺

David got wounded???

Oh ok. False alarm.

Rafael sat down next to him and put Bapak’s head on his lap, gently massaging it.

“Are you okay?” dad knelt down next to his husband. “Just a little tired,” Bapak replied.A little tired. Max knew Bapak was fucking exhausted."  "Bapak never showed it. He never complained. Max wondered what else he hid away from everyone else." “Okay,” dad whispered and kissed his husband on the head. “Get some rest, my love.” Bapak nodded and closed his eyes as Rafael hummed something softly. (Well, now I'm crying 😭😭)

" His niece found an herbal medication that helps with the pain.” ANJALI!! I LOVE HER💙💙

"Dad finally smiled and went out to the balcony, phone in hand. He seemed to hang out in the balcony a lot lately" No no no. I dont like this. Babe find a better copying mechanism!!

"Bapak smiled then. A brilliant grin. The one dad probably fell in love with." jsyeihdiej I cant🥺💙

"Bapak sniffed when dad sat down next to him and gave him an odd look. But he didn’t say anything." Magnus tell him something. I dont like where this is going😭

“Does that mean Bapak is a capitalist?” Max asked. “Do not drag me into this!” Bapak protested and dad laughed at that" Ahh yess. Typical family discussions 😂

"David: Mr Herondale yelled “Yes! Two out of three!” (😂😂 I HONESTLY LAUGHED WAY TO HARD!!)

“Well, no! I don’t want drama. But I want you to be dramatic so I can tell you not to be dramatic!” I would like to say WHAT? but I honestly get it 😂

“Also, we all know you had an embarrassing crush on Uncle Jace growing up,” Rafael snickered. “And you definitely still have a crush on Uncle Jem.” Oh god 😂😂 but I mean... Who doesn't have a crush on Jem?

“Oh yeah?” Max demanded. “Well then let me explain your type. You are probably going to fall for someone who is like a combination of Aunt Izzy and Aunt Lily! Some femme fatale type who is a heartbreaker and looks like a supermodel and-” Boy got it right huh? 😂

“You two are dating?” dad demanded. “Since when? Who else knows about this? Why didn’t you tell us before? Were you dating when you were in London? Magnus, did you know about this?” “There you go!” Max yelled triumphantly. “That’s the dramatic reaction I was looking for. Thanks, dad!” lmaooo 😂😂

"And that’s how the next hour turned out to be the most painful and most embarrassing hour of his life." I. I have no words

“I’ll have you know this conversation utterly traumatized me. I demand financial compensation.” “Not happening,” dad said into his coffee, and Max groaned before walking back into his room. (THAT FAMILY 😂😂)

" I tried to hurt your father once.” OH no, the angst is coming

" He didn’t know about this. He knew about their story. Everyone did. The accords hall kiss. The fight in Edom. The changing of the law. Their love was legendary. Not this!" THIS IS BRINGING BACK SO MANY FLASHBACKS

“All I know is that I was terrified. I love your father. I love Magnus more than anything in the world. And I didn’t want to lose him. And I didn’t know what to do.” 😭😭 NOT AGAIN!!

"When you love someone so much, sometimes you do crazy things.” THIS

" Love had made a fool out of them. Love had made them blind." Yup. tsc: a summary

"When you love someone, you have to be honest with them" And THAT is character development!!

"They called it The Jem effect." I'm using this from now on 😂💙💙

"Uncle Jem was wearing a tank top and and ripped jeans." So its time for SIMP over Jem Carstairs? Okey then.

"In fact, he used to have a crush on both Tessa and Jem. It’s how he had found he was bisexual." Same here 😂

“MINA! I SWEAR TO LILITH I AM GOING TO GET YOU BACK FOR THIS!” OH MY GOD I LOVE MINA!!

“In my defense, I was busy!!” “Oooo, someone has been getting busy!” Mina WINKED. (You lil shit! I love her 💙)

He didn’t know he could blush!!!

" They had gone to hell and back for Roman. It wouldn’t have been possible if not for Catarina. She was, and always has been, a miracle worker." Again, I love my queen💙💙

“I believe in Mavid supremacy.” ME TOO

"There is something so queer about Ferris wheels!" Someone needed to say this

"They had their own space in the spiral fucking labyrinth. These fucking legends." I BELIEVE IN WARLOCK TEAM SUPREMACY

"But Ragnor had always had a soft spot for Rafael." 🥺🥺

I love my warlock squad so much I cant-

Ragnor is so done😂

“I don’t want to lose him,” Max said it out loud for the first time. “But you will, Max,” Catarina said gently. “Everyone loses people they love. Every day. It’s how life works.” (its to early to be crying)

“Yes, we do,” Ragnor replied. “But it also means we fall in love over and over. Century after century. It’s our blessing.” (these warlocks are just to perfect)

“And that love is going to last for a lifetime,” Tessa said softly. “Can you imagine that? Someone loving you for centuries. Someone remembering you for eternity. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” 🥺🥺

David deserved to be loved like that – endlessly and impossibly. (OK BUT THE PARALLEL)

Tessa should definetly write a guidebook

“Je t’aime à la folie,” Max said.David’s eyes widened. “Vraiment?“ "Je t’aime. Je t’aime de toute mon âme. Je t’aime pour toujours.” ( I literally screamed and woke up my sister, I just love them so much!!!)

"David smiled. The smile Max fell in love with" 🥺🥺

“I know I am not your forever and I am okay with that.” Max bit his lip. “Okay.” “But you are mine,” David said. “You know that, right?” (ksidjdldk its just all this was beautiful!)

“I got it all planned,” Max said – for someone who had no idea what he was going to do." (Me as I should be studying 😂)

" And you were just scared. You were just a kid." “I just…I just realized you might not have had that when you were growing up – that there might not have been people you could talk to about these things.” THAT!! LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!

"Max pulled him closer and kissed him again. Every kiss a promise. A promise to love. A promise to fight. A promise to survive" I would die for this two

OMG he took him to the Celestial Palace!! Thats so perfect and 🥺��

“Oh mon dieu! Ceci est incroyable! Il y a tellement de livres! Oh mon dieu! Je l'aime tellement!”💙💙 Idk how you manage to make me love David even more

“Of course he doesn’t hate you!” Max chuckled. “But he did say he will put your nerd ass in the silent city if you don’t bring me home by 11.” David blinked. “You’re joking, right?” “Of course,” Max grinned. His father had actually said that but there was no need to scary poor David any further. (😂😂 Imagine having the Consul as father-in-law, poor David)

“Yeah, not good with words my ass,” Exactly!! They say they are not good with words and procede to recite poetry of their love one??!!

Ughh I love this chapter so much and I loved how they deal with the inmortality thing! I just love when people comunicate and talk to each other! THATS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! And how they didn't repeat Alec and Magnus mistake. I just love it! *chef kiss*

Anyway, this was really long and it took to open notes to fullfill, so i'll just leave💙💙

Bro I just felt like I read the whole chapter again and I am feels. I AM FEELS SEND HELP. Not me catching feels over my own shit lmaooooo.

Thank you so much. I have some work to do and I was like meh and now I have some energy to do it lol. I hope you spend tomorrow studying! You better!! Good luck!

ps - I love you notice the parallels and references. It makes me lil heart go boop!

also why do I feel like y'all are eternally doing exams????

[writes-eat-sleep-repeat]

TRICKS FOR TREATS

Paring: spooky x black!reader

Requested: No

Word count: 5.5k

Warnings : 18+, smut, sex, oral sex (girl receiving)

Summary: How Oscar spent his Halloween before it was interrupted by Cesar.

“Oh come on it’s Halloween” you said.

“No” your boyfriend protested

“Pleaseeeeee” you begged

“It’s not safe, you know that” Oscar answered.

“We aren’t trick or treating pendejo, were going to a party” you continued

“Please, please, please, please” you badgered

“Fine (Y/N), you can be so annoying” he said with a sigh Drawing a deep puff from his joint finishing it and getting up. You knew sooner or later whatever he was smoking would mellow his out enough to appease you.

You had been trying to convince your boyfriend for a week to come to the Halloween party your best friend was throwing at her place. It was your first Halloween since Oscar was home and you wanted to spend it with him. Sitting on the porch of the santos hangout spot, otherwise known as oscars place you stared out onto the lawn where Oscar had moved to sit on a crate and started doing bicep curls. You started thinking about what it was like before he had gotten locked up. How he and your friends would all pile up into your mothers house on Halloween to eat candy, pizza and watch scary movies knowing freeridge would be far to dangerous to tread the streets on foot seeking the booty of candy. A sadness came over you knowing all these years had passed and Cesar and his friends had to take up the same tradition as a way of avoiding their own deaths on what should be a fun holiday.

“BEEEEPPP” you were snapped out of your thoughts by a car horn. Your grey eyes meeting oscars intense brown ones you had not realizing at some point Oscar had stopped working out and had began staring at you quizzically. “BEEP, BEEP, BEEP” the person in the car honked three more times causing you to look in the direction the noise had come from. It was Mia. Your best friend. You and oscars oldest friend as well, dating all the way back to kindergarten. “Hey” she yelled out the passenger side window. “You, coming or not” she continued. Thats the plan you thought in your head. You held up one finger towards her signaling for her to give you a minute. As you ran inside to grab your purse and began to walk towards the car you stopped when you heard Oscar behind you clearing his throat. You turned to give him a peck on the lips to let him know you weren’t upset about his ‘annoying’ comment he made earlier. You were so used to not having him around it had become weird for you to remember to say goodbye or even greet him at times.

While you were pulling back up to head to the car his long fingers wove their way to the back of your neck gripping your the tight coils at the base of your neck that had become loose from bun piled on top of your head, as he pulled you back down into a more passionate kiss. First with just your lips slightly open then coming deeper as your tongues began weaving around each other, in an intricate pattern, slowing and intoxicating it wasn’t long before your knees felt slightly weakened and Mia began blowing her horn again and you heard the other santos cheering the leader on making ooh and aww sounds. Finding enough strength you pulled back. With one final peck on his lips “see you later?” You asked. Oscar answering with a slight nod, picking the weight back up to return to his workout. “Did you guys need a room? Are you good on oxygen?” Mia teased as you settled into the passenger side of the car. “Shut up” was all you could manage to let out while lightly shoving her shoulder closes to you.

To be honest your brain couldn’t process anything other than the kiss you had just been blessed with. After four years of Oscar being locked up you had all but turned your sex drive off as a coping mechanism, you two were best friends who had started dating and you know he didn't ask you to wait for him for eight years, he would never ask you to put your life on hold like that. And you suspected when he stopped responding to the letters you would send three years in he was hoping you would forget about him and move on. It’s not like you didn’t try. But, it proved to be more difficult than you anticipated. No one wanted to mess with spooky’s girl, whether he was around or locked up. No one wanted those problems. Becoming content with everyone treating you like a pariah until you graduated and finally left freeridge and started life anew. You definitely did not expect Oscar to get out early or to still even want to be with you, but being around Oscar as best friends had been second nature for so long, it was the one thing you felt secure in, you both just fell back into your old routines. Some new routines had been implemented as well. In the bedroom, the shower, the kitchen- “(Y/N), hello” Mia bought you out of your thoughts. “Red or Black” she was asking holding up a pair of bunny ears. “I’m wearing red, you know that’s oscars favorite color” you responded. “And Oscar is okay with you being a playboy bunny?” She asked, one curious eyebrow raised. “Well.. umm, we didn’t necessarily discuss costume selections” your own eyebrows furrowing. He wouldn’t have an issue with your costume you thought to yourself. Why would he, besides you were going to the party together. Why would he. “okay, black it is”she finalized. You felt your phone vibrate and looked down to see a message from Oscar reading:

“Bunny ears?”

Confused you lifted you had and began looking around only to see him walking towards you with his right hand man sad eyes following closely behind. He wore a grey t-shirt and black shorts, the bottom reaching just the top of his long socks. Black was your favorite color on him. But you couldn’t deny grey did just as much justice on his six foot, one inch built frame. “Why?” You asked. “Sad eyes, wanted a mask for the party” he said in a matter of fact tone. “How?” You continued. “He texted Mia, I wasn’t following you...Yet” he mocked. You responded with an eye roll. Knowing he disliked them and found them somewhat disrespectful. To your eye roll you notice him squint his eyes deviously. “We are gonna go look at masks” Mia said while simultaneously grabbing sad eyes hand pulling him with her. You had all but forgot Mia and him had a little fling a while ago along the lines of friends-with- benefits. To bad they never took it seriously they were so cute together.

You felt a sting on your right butt check causing you to yelp drawing you out of your thoughts to see the perpetrator. It was none other than your boyfriend looking of into space hands clasped behind his back as if he did nothing. “Why? You questioned. Rubbing the sore spot. Collapsing the space between you he bent down to look directly in you eye before whispering in your ear “ I don’t like when you roll your eyes at me, you do something I don’t like, i do something you don’t like” he vowed. Moving back to look in your eyes “Who says I didn’t like it?” You challenged. Cause it his own eyes to open just slightly before he regained control. He then looked past your shoulder and with a Smirk grabbed you hand dragging you to a small dark room within the store. Above the doorway there was a neon green flashing light that read ADULT. Once in the room he began browsing, there was everything Adult related here porn, Toys, Whips, Cuffs, etc.

Oscar looked at a few movie covers, while you looked at him as you were still standing in the doorway, walking in a circle scanning the room he stopped in front of the toys section and motioned with a nod for you to join him. You walked over, looking from the toys to him and asked “why are we here”. “ I want to buy you something” he said, his smirk returning full force. “Well,... I don’t need a vibrator, I have like five at home” you confirmed. You couldn’t see clearly in the dark room, so it was hard to gauge his reaction. “Five??” He questioned, sounding more shocked than anything else. “Oh, please. You were locked up for four years, you wanna lie and say you didn’t masturbate not even once?” You asked defending yourself. With a small shrug of his shoulders, he continued to browse the toy selection. “What do you masturbate to?” He asked after about five minutes of silence. “Huh” you said. “You heard my question” he said. “What?” You answered with raised eyebrows. “I wanna know who you think about” he stated. “Would you look at that, there is no way that can fit inside anyone” you tried changing the subject while eyeing a 13 inch toy. “Your deflecting” he continued. “I’m sorry what was the question.” You asked. “WHO. DO. YOU.THINK. ABOUT. WHEN. YOU. USE. YOUR. TOYS.” he repeated taking a step closer to you with each word, his voice becoming more boisterous with each one. At this point he had you pinned between an bookshelf erotic fiction next to the shelves of toys and his body. “Oh, that was the question” you said.

Him sighing in response. “Ummm, why does it matter?” You asked.”that wasn’t an answer” he said his gaze becoming more intense with every minute that passed. “Well, fine then, you go first” you challenged. “You” he said.”What?”you asked quizzically. “I think about you” he continued. “Every time?” You still questioned. “Yes”he answered “Oscar we sleep together, why would you masturbate to me” you answered baffled by his answer. His current eye roll, coupled with a long sigh indicated he wasn’t going to answer your question and he was becoming agitated with your delayed answer. “Mines is you too”you answered half confident. With dead eyes he responded “your lying”.“Fine, its weird though and you have to promise not to laugh”you gave in. “Most of the time IT IS you, but when it not it’s.... Eric Northman” you whispered the last part. “Who?” He asked. “He’s a vampire from a show” you responded exhausted with the conversation. He began laughing which caused a heat to rise to the cheeks of your dark skin. “Great, now can i be done embarrassing myself” you tried to move away but he only came in closer.

This time the intensity of his stare stirred up a heat in you that only he can. The room being so small and dark making everything seem so much more intimate. You were sure he would kiss your lips but he turned your head slightly pressing tiny pecks from right below your ear to your neck. “How are we gonna rectify this problem” he said with his kisses now being dragged across your collar bone. He knew that was your spot and you two hadn’t been together for a couple days due to him being on runs for the past few nights. You were both and edge and in need of immediate release. “Don’t leave me by myself so much” you answered breathlessly. “No, No I don’t mind you touching yourself, i just cant have you thinking of anyone else, because this- he dragged his hand up your thigh resting rubbing his thumb back and forth- is mines” he finished. You were basically becoming undone before him and he knew he had you right where he wanted you. “Right?” He continued. “Yes” you dozily responded.

He was still trailing light kisses along the base of your neck you so you barely noticed him reaching for something behind you on the shelf. “This is how you're gonna make it up to me” he smirked. Your eyes flutter open to see him holding a small rectangle box reading; vibrating Panties. Remote controlled. “What’s that for? You asked. “Your redemption” he answered giving you his fifty kilowatt smile, dimple included. “Okay for...after the party?”. It still wasn’t making much sense to you. “Nope, for the party” he responded triumphant. “Ummm, yeah no. I’m not and I repeat NOT wearing that to the party tonight” you said. “You’d think someone who fantasizes about the undead would be more adventurous”he taunted you along. “Adventurous equals risk which equals potential reward, what do i get out of this exactly?” You challenged him. you could see him weighing your words in his mind. “Hmmm, your right.... one week.” He said “one week?”you raised a curious eyebrow. “One week with me, uninterrupted. No Gang anything, no cuchillious, just you me and whenever you want to go ” he wagered. Since Oscar has been home you have never had him to yourself for an extended period of time, he’s always either doing something for cuchilloos or meeting with her. Damn if you think about it she sees him more than you do. “What’s the catch? You wearily ask. “Nothing, you just wear this tonight. -ummm, OK ( you began to answer )- but, you cant cum, no matter what” he finished. His stance as always, cool under pressure; but in his eyes he had a look that could rival the devil. And there they are, the strings magically attaching themselves, you thought. “So, the only challenge on my part is not to orgasm?” You nervously laughed.

Both you and Oscar knew how sensitive you were in that particular area. “Your probably right, it maybe to much for you, we both know how sensitive you are down there” his words confirming your earlier thoughts. He also knew you were competitive and he had you right where he wanted you. “What’s the cut off time”you asked. “Let’s call it midnight” he said. Finalizing the deal with a handshake you two made your way out of the room and to the cashier to make his purchase. “Where have you guys been, we’ve been looking for you; oh did Oscar Find a mask” Mia exclaimed right as Oscar took the bag from the boy behind the counter. “We were looking around and yeah he found something” you answered. You four hurried out the store to say your goodbyes Oscar handing you the bag with your gift as the two santos headed on their own way as you and Mia went on your way, with her first dropping you at your apartment to get ready for the party.

Sanding in front of the wall length mirror in your room. You stood staring at yourself wide, eyed and excited for what the night had to offer. You had been curious about the testing the bullet that came with the package to see how strong it maybe. To potentially try to prepare yourself for what lies ahead. When you went to look in the box you realized the remote was missing. Slightly to your disappointment, however the overall feeling you had was relief. You instantly text Oscar to let him know his plan wasn’t going to work for tonight.

‘Hey’

‘Sup, mama’

‘The remote was missing from the box. So no playtime tonight :(‘

‘Oh no’ he responded

‘Yeah maybe next time, too bad i as really looking forward to that week. Which I should still get because the remote missing isn’t my fault’ you smiled triumphantly at your phone

‘It’s cool, i just found it in my back pocket. Couldn’t have you testing it out without me ;). You want that week bad huh? Earn it’

His last text wiping the smile clean off your face.

‘See you in a bit mama’s” he finished.

Looking at your phone he was right it was already almost 7 and the party started at 8. But since you were helping Mia host she told you to get there around 7:40 meaning Oscar would be here in a half and hour. Putting on your ‘gift’ first you couldn’t help but notice the precise nature of the bullet that nestle right into your intimate folds the head which is usually the most powerful siting right on your bundle of nerves. You finished putting on your costume, fishnets, bustier, and tiny shorts covering just enough of your plump backside to not make Oscar too angry but still short enough to make him sweat a little. As your were putting on your three inch heels trying to stay as close to playboy tradition as possible you heard oscars impala beeping for you outside. You grabbed your wristlet, the bag of candy you had bought and headed out to his car. At the halfway point between your house and the car you an instant powerful vibration, more than any of the toys you owned overtake you causing you to crumple forward. Your neighbor who was walking her dog noticed and began calling your name in response. Oscar turned off the remote just as quickly as he turned it on. Allowing you to catch your breath enough to answer her.

“Misses Harper, hi I’m fine, just.... cramps” you lied. she nodded an okay and turned back to her task at hand while you climbed into the passenger side of the red car. “You okay mamas, Oscar asked with a smile. “ You asshole. You couldn’t wait for me to at least get in the car” you scolded. “This car?” He asked. “No the other car-” your snarky response being cut off buy him turning on the remote again. Causing you to lean back trying to control the lower half of your body. Oscar knew what game he was playing only allowing the lowest vibration as to not end the competition too early. He coupled the vibration with rubbing his long skilled fingers up and down your fishnet covered thigh making sure to hit the inside portion of your thigh with every sweep. By the time you got to the party you were dry heaving and Oscar was just getting warmed up. He turned off the remote giving time to fully compose yourself before heading into the house. Himself finding his few friends from the gang to hang with.

Once the party was in full swing you had been dancing, socializing ,drinking along with everyone else and all but forgotten you even had the vibrating panties on until you were in the middle of a taking a shot with Mia and felt that powerful vibration come right out nowhere causing you to almost choke on the liquor and drop the plastic shot cup. Looking around you spotted Oscar of the other side of the room with sad eyes and two other santos members. He wasn’t even looking in your direction, but must have felt you staring at him because he turned to you and offered a simple wink before Turing back to his conversation. You didn't want to walk over there to him and you didn't trust yourself to go into any room alone because you were sure you would initiate your own release.

You decided to head to the middle of the dance floor and deflect some of your energy to that. Mia and a couple other friends going you. With every song you danced to Oscar would increase the level of the vibration and by the fifth song you were about to let go right there in the middle if everyone. You knew he was smirking but you would not give him the satisfaction of looking in his direction, not even once. You make your way to the back deck where there was less people hoping the cool air from the night would offer your head some clarity. You closed you eyes leaning against the rail for support releasing silent whimpers. You heard people shuffling off of the deck. Then you felt level six.

This might be it. At this point you were seeing white dots behind you eyelids. Then you felt someone press up against you, well something. Already knowing who it was before you even opened your eyes. He started planting soft kisses along the side of your neck along with smoothing one hand across the length of of your stomach and breast while the other up and down the inside o your thigh. In a world of bliss you let your head fall back allowing Oscar further access to your neck, chest heaving heavily, while you soaked in the feeling ready to give in when the vibrations stopped. You turned around glaring at Oscar who had that smile on. “Why?” You asked glaring at him. “Nights not over babe” he laughed. As you rolled your eyes in frustration. His smile was replaced with a hard line, him squinting his eyes at you and the vibration picked up where it left of causing you to collapse forward holding onto him for support. Bringing you right back to where you left, he bean to kiss you. Passionately raw and chaotic on your end. Controlled on his end as he gripped your neck with one hand from behind guiding you, he raised the level one more time, and you were sure this would be it. And just as you were there he turned it off. Leaving an absent of bliss and in its wake trailing disappointment and need.

How is this not affecting him,“Stop”you demanded. “Did you just roll your eyes at me?”he questioned. “No” you said under your breath. “You lying to me again” he raised his eyebrows. “Oscar” you began defending yourself, but was once again cut off by him Turning the bullet on again. He continued this vicious cycle for what felt like eternity but was only ten minutes, stopping only when Mia came walking over towards you guys. “Hey, you guys could use the bedroom you know” she teased. You being to spent from Oscar edging you could only offer a small smile to your friend, no verbal response. “Or are yo Already finished” she asked. No, you thought to yourself, your dick of a boyfriend wont let you finished. Hmmm Dick. You giggled. Oscar looked Down at you confused before Turning to your oldest friend “actually we were about to go” he confirmed. “Cool, cool, thanks for coming” she finalized eyeing you as you offered her a wave in return. You walked off the deck and through the party Oscar holding you around the waist carrying you to the door. Who knew just almost getting an orgasim could be so exhausting.

You two walked like this all the way to the end of the block where his car was parked. As You went to get in the passages side “Backseat” was all he said. Moving the seat to the front an sliding into the back you barely sat down before Oscar grabbed you up to straddle him. So i was affecting him you wore a smirk of your own. Even with the bullet in your folds you could feel he was packing wood. Probably just as much on the brink of exploding as you were. He turned the remote back onto level one, just enough to keep you excited. You were over this and he had to pay for what he did to you back there whether you win this thing or not. So you took the lead. This time kissing his neck staring from the base of he Santos cross he had on his neck. Tracing kisses all the way to him teardrop tattoo purposely avoiding his lips. You could feel him growing with every kiss you planted.

He turned the remote up; level two. You turned over, so your plum backside sat on his lap, your back to his chest, taking his hands you carefully guided them over your perky double D breast. Him, anxiously peeling away the fabric that restricted them, until they were free and he began kneading them with his hand paying particular attention you your nipples. While he did this you took your time grinding down onto him vocalizing your pleasure, just how he likes it, a mixture of moans and whimpers. Feeling him now fully hard stretching the front of the khaki shorts he wore. When he couldn’t take it anymore he flipped you back over to straddle him again, increasing the level of vibration “I know what your doing” he said. “Good” you responded and continued grinding down on him. He grabbed you with both hands on either side of your face into a fiery kiss, both of you trying to nibble each other’s lips, your tongues doing their own dance. You pulled back and saw it i his eyes. Lust, it must have been in yours as well because he switched gears forgetting the remote entirely he took your nipples into his mouth one by one causing you to through your head back against the front seat letting out a loud moan, the sound causing his dick to twitch in his pants.

You leaned back forward going in to kiss his neck some more. Him looking for his wallet undoubtedly to get a condom. When you heard his phone vibrate once, then again him slowing down his kisses to look at it. You figured it was something santos related and pushed the phone down to the seat out of his line of sight “not now” you mumbled into his neck. “It’s Cesar” he responded. “Why? Cesar is at the shut in” you replied. “No he’s at Brentwood.” He clarified. Leaning back with a loud sigh to express your frustration you asked “Why is he in Brentwood?”. “I don’t know, but something happened. We gotta go mama”he replied. “Is he shot?” You asked

“No” he said

“Is he in danger of dying?” You continued

“I don’t know” he responded

“So can it wait, because I don’t think i can”

He looked at you exhaustedly before lifting you off his lap to get into the drivers seat. “It will be fifteen minutes tops, don’t worry mama you’ll get your vitamin D” he laughed. You meanwhile scurrying to fix your top back and move up to the passenger side. “I might die from a deficiency”you pouted in his direction. “You cant die from a vitamin D deficiency” he said winking while smiling in your direction showing that damn dimple. You crossing your arm across your chest and your legs in response. “What exactly is you plan here” you asked, attitude on full blast as he approached Brentwood. “Handle the situation” was the response you got. You rolling your eyes towards the window. “ i know you rolled your eyes” he said pulling up to what you guess was the kids house.

Before jumping out the car. He turned the bullet back on and up to level four. Leaving you whimpering, squeezing your knee’s together trying to combat the feeling that was overcoming you. You felt the knot in your stomach as you began grinding down on the bullet, eyes closed and just as you were there the vibrations stoped. Opening your eyes you saw the shadow of Oscar leaning against the car waiting for what you guess was Cesar and his friends as they walked out of a house bags full of candy. You got out of the passenger seat glaring at Oscar as you let Cesar, Ruby and Olivia into the back seat, the other two friends opting to take a Lyft. Oscar said nothing as he got in the drivers seat and blasted his music, no doubt to hide the sound of the vibrating bullet which he had turned on again. The ride home was quick but torturous . As you let off two of the three teenagers at ruby’s house. Bringing Cesar to the his own home. As you begin to walk towards the house behind Cesar, it for once being free of roaming santos. “Nights not over mamas” Oscar said watching you while he leaned against the top of the car. “Oscar I am physically done” you answered. “Get in” was all he said.

You dragged one Heavy foot after another until you climbed back into the red impala. He drove to a lookout point over the Brentwood . A somewhat woodsy area at the edge where you could see the whole city, the lights twinkling like a reflection of the night sky. I was a breathtaking sight and not many people knew about it you hadn’t even known about it until Oscar took you there a couple days after he had gotten out. Oscar put the car in park and went to lean on the hood. You following his actions. As you came around he turned towards you lifting you up and placing you gently on the hood. Kissing you again, picking up right where you left off. Tongues thrashing against each other, you grabbing oscars biceps, him expertly kneading your breast in his hands. Pushing you back as he hooks his hands into you shorts and the panties waiting for you to lift your body so he can pull them down. Once they are off he has full view of you and what you guess was a glistening mess.

He pushed you further up onto the hood of the car, bringing feet up until your calf and thigh touched. Holding you still with his strong arms he wasted no time kissing your thighs moving lower and lower alternating slowly and agonizingly, moving from one thigh to the other he would slightly blow on your sensitive bud causing you to squirm under his expert touch. Then he finally, began paying some attention to your most sensitive part he went into over drive, quickly flicking it to get momentum, then weaving his toughest between your wet folds you were in bliss. At some point between his long licks from the bottom to the top while he circled your bud with his tongue and him sucking while gliding his mouth up and down, that knot retuned causing your thighs to vibrate viciously. “I’m...I’m gonna... cu...cumming” was all you could say as all that pent up sexual tension erupted deep inside of you sending spikes of pleasure radiating through you entire body leaving a withering whimpering mess on the hood of the red impala as Oscar mercilessly continued sucking and flicking. You trying to push his head away to end the onslaught.

He moved up grabbing you by the neck with one hand to bring you towards into a kiss, you being further turned on by your own taste. He dragged you down the hood until your ass rested right on the edge wasting no time he drove the full length himself into you full force leaving you gasping for air as he filled you slamming his lower body to yours again and again. Nibbling on you neck, you relished in this, you waited so long all day. Hell all week you thought . His pace began to quicken and you knew he was almost about to cum. He expertly adjusted the angle you were leaning at so the head of his mandhood brushed right against your G-Spot with every stoke. Within the next couple of minutes your legs began to shake again and you felt that knot again. “Cum for me baby” he whispered into your ear and that was your undoing, his own not following far behind. You leaned back on the hood of the car completely drained as he leaned forward resting his head on your chest, both of you trying to catch your breath. After about ten minutes you got up putting your shorts back on minus the panties, heading into the car to go home.

Oscar following your actions looked at the dashboard “its 12:30” he say in a matter of fact way. “I guess that means I won” you smiled at him. Knowing he let you win. “Don’t worry I know a couple of things we could do for one uninterrupted week” you said resting you hand on his upper thigh. Shaking his head in amusement he just smiled at you dimple and all.

[cant-think-of-a-username]

Hi!! I have never gotten this before so I thought it would be super cool to ask for one ahah

may i be matched to a haikyuu character? 🥺 thank you!! <3

Pronouns: she/her

Gender Preference: male

MBTI Type: I just took it for the 1000th time a few days ago and got INFP-T (but I would tend to also get ISFP dsfkjs)

Astrology Placements: Scorpio Sun, Pisces Moon, Gemini Rising, Sagittarius Venus, Pisces Mars (if it helps)

Physical Description: long straight black hair that reaches the middle of my back, dark brown eyes (that apparently makes me look like i have eyeliner sometimes) with long thick black eyelashes, light-medium neutral skin, 5'5", i apparently have long legs, thick thighs, cute butt (LMAO im just listing wut ppl have described of me too sdfkj), soft hands with quite long fingers, pretty basic body i would say sdfjhsd, and i apparently make things look expensive (i love fashion) i would say the best way to describe what i wear is probably (dark) academia but i like just wearing whatever i like--i don't like to limit myself to a certain aesthetic.

Personality Description: with new people/in first meeting, i tend to be quiet or generally don't speak much but once i warm up to you, im a really playful person or at least i really enjoy acting that way.

im honest but i should remember that my words can cut sometimes (rip), ive been described to be incredibly kind (sdfkh)... maybe because i tend to put so much energy and effort and time into other people or my relationships (friends, family, literally anyone that comes into contact with me for a decent amount of time)

i tend to act or do things according to how i feel but despite having that trait of mine or having that inclination, i can still very much be realistic. as i act according to how i feel, i have been described to act younger than my age and i doooo and i aint gonna deny it pfftt ima OWn That sHiT

i have no problem with acting like a child. i love rain, i love water, i love the ocean, i love cafes or the smell of coffee, i love the smell of fresh laundry and feeling the warm fabric (caused by drying in the sun or from a dryer lmfao) of whatever it may be (clothes, bedsheets) on my fingertips..

i love self development or just trying to be better and combined with me loving or liking a lot of different things, i try a lot of things--therefore not really becoming a master at anything dkjfhfsd. and because of that.. (i think) because i try a lot, putting quite a bit of effort into my.. goals (i have perfectionistic and overachieving tendencies) i guess.. when it fails (ofc) im incredibly disappointed, and become pretty... fucking sad hhh and when that happens.. i start to become more lazy/complacent 🤡

..bonus (if u wanna sprinkle some "angst" i guess LMAOO): i overthink a lot (so i start to have difficulty making smarter decisions or thinking of strategies to solve my problems + i still have a sprinkle of self-esteem issues of course... feeling incredibly incompetent is not foreign to me) so i could exaggerate my troubles or make a problem out of nothing 😶, im quite emotional, i have the "dismissive avoidant" attachment style, feeling hopeless quite often aint foreign to me either 😭

bonusbonus: (wow dont i love talking about myself? sdfknsd) i love corgis

Hobbies: dancing, witchcraft, astrology, divination, spirituality, reading fan fiction (LMAOOOO), reading visual novels/playing otome games, painting, drawing, looking into psychology in some type of manner, netflix, swimming, watching anime i guess, trying new things, learning something (new)

Ideal Date: tbh going to a concert of an artist we both enjoy, an arcade or an amusement park (im like a scaredy cat but im almost 100% sure im more likely to go for the “scary” rides if i was with someone i enjoyed hanging out with anyway), probably going on a tropical vacation (cus, beach anddd water activities), water amusement park !!

A Must Have in my Partner: they have to be okay with me pursuing my goals lol; i already have a problem with putting too much energy into others that i dont get to direct that energy onto myself.. so someone who has my best interest in mind + being considerate of me (because.. of that dismissive avoidant attachment style i would say--im just saying this because its the best that i can describe it) and they should be okay with my childlike actions/tendencies lol (like... they shouldnt be repulsed or something like that--that they treat me unpleasantly because of it or something) (oops i just realized thats more than one when u asked just.. one)

extra information: a short drabble would be amazing !!

sorry this was pretty messy and i pretty much just babbled LMAOO

but again, if ever you get to do this (or even if u dont..)

thank you so much!!!

i hope you have an amazing rest of your day hihi <3

sorry it took me a while ! i was just really busy lately and barely got time to write 😅

hope u enjoyy :)

I ship you with..

Nishinoya Yuu !!

- You are the most gorgeous person he knows ;)

- he literally shamelessly approached u the moment he laid eyes on u

- even with ur somewhat quiet first impression, he never gave up making u eventually warm up to him

- doesn’t really mind brute honesty, in fact he thinks of it as a form of bravery

- he also loves seeing your childish side since he himself has one too

- wanna dance around in the rain ?? he will 100% join u !!

- he loves how determined u are to get better and will constantly tell u how proud of you he is for it

- even if things dont go ur way sometimes he will comfort u and tell u that its completely normal to fail sometimes

- there is no overthinking on his watch !

- noya knows how bad it feels and that u definitely deserve a little break but he wont let u laze around too much, trying to help u get back up on ur feet and regain ur confidence is something he never fails to do

- he loves watching u do what u love and is always willing to join u (not that he is always fully understanding of what he is doing)

BONUS :

Cheering you up on a bad day..

You were getting frustrated trying to fix a mistake you made on one of your paintings. You let out a loud groan hiding your face in your hands in exhaustion, finally giving up. Hearing a loud knock on your door, you tell whoever is outside to come in. “HEY, HOW WAS YOUR- ....day ?” noya looks at you with concern in his eyes. “are you okay ?” “yeah i’m fine, its just that this painting won’t look right no matter what i do” you sigh.“maybe i should just throw it away” “you are not gonna throw it away” he says, his tone completely different from before, more serious in fact. “you might just be tired now, so don’t you dare give up now. you can always try again tomorrow” he says walking towards you and holding your hands in his, a little smile forming on his face. “how about you take a break for now ? the sun is really warm and it’s still early; wanna go swimming ?” You look a little unsure. “you still haven’t used that corgi beach towel i got you” he says, wiggling his eyebrows. You chuckle at that, proceeding to look him in the eyes with a small grin forming on you face, “sounds like a plan”...

[babysizedfics]

Hey, when you're not on a pre-upload post limit, so you can post freely again, may i request some soft Papa Pat, cuz hes underappreciated, n we dont talk about him enough?

doing this now because i need som soft patton content ASAP and you all do too you just don't know you do

first of all chubby beefy patton is being slept on too much!! his chub is perfect for cuddles and his strength is perfect for picking up every member of his family

yes im looking at logan

he already had so much information about everyone saved in his head about peoples favourite foods and their favourite type of physical contact and the music that relaxes them most and where their worst tickle spots are

so he's like scientifcally already set up to be an amazing caregiver

because he already knows that roman needs to listen to upbeat music to be able to actually relax so it's not much of a change of pace to put on dora the explorer party tracks instead of the usual pop rock music

and he already knows that stroking virgils hair can distract him from anxious thoughts so its not that big a deal that when he does it now virgil is sitting in his lap instead of awkwardly leaning against his legs on the floor like he used to do

when roman became a voluntary little patton did not question it at all

he had no idea what age dreaming was, he only knew about age regression to the extent which virgil experienced it so there was no idea in his head that people might do it for fun and be fully aware of that decision

logan wasn't against it but he was slightly confused and skeptical

but there was absolutely no barrier between patton hearing roman say that and accepting it completely and i just think thats so telling of how empathetic he is

he helps roman brush his teeth because roman tends to forget and/or rush through it because it's not enough input for his brain to not be bored

and patton makes it fun for roman, they dance along with the brushes, like when roman does the up and down strokes they bob up and down and when he has to reach the bottom molars they shake their booties

hahshshs thats so fun omg

when patton is taking care of vee there is literally nothing in his brain except I am Papa I must Protect my Baby

he is incredibly attentive, and yeah sometimes it's not exactly healthy and he can become overbearing and sometimes it makes roman feel left out, and this will all be developped and addressed

but that attentiveness is exactly what virgil needed when it was just him and patton at first

you've seen how young virgil is when he's regressed, and how important it is that he has someone looking after him

his regression has been like that all of his life, plus he has regressed almost everyday since he moved in with the light side family (5 years roughly) - i think we need to understnd how lonely and scary that must have been for him cobsidering how young his headspace is

so patton becoming his caregiver and being instantly so attentive and gentle with him has really helped to make up for all those years of him having to deal with it on his own

patton isn't too good at playing games, he doesnt like coming up with ideas in romans make believe games because he wants to let his little prince do whatever he wants to do, and he's awful at any and all video games but he still plays kingdom hearts with roman and cheers for him and laughs with joy even when his own character has died for the fifteenth time in ten minutes

the boys know patton is always going to be available no matter what, when theyre little or big, even though neither of them are very good at being honest with their feelings but on the rare occasions they are going to admit a tricky feeling then patton is the first one to hear it

one day he was super busy trying to fix the washing machine and he had tools everywhere and had banged his wrist so many times it was growing a bump and his back was seizing as he kept having to lean inside the drum

and he was honestly a bit angry and grumbly and red in the face from the frustration and the heat in the laundry room and he wasnt in a good mood at all

but then he heard a shaky 'dad?' from behind him

and even though he jumped and banged his head on the metal and it stung SO BAD he didnt let anything show on his face other than complete open kindness when he looked to the door to see virgil stood in the doorway with tears in his eyes

'stormcloud whats the matter?' he asked really softly

'it's dumb' 'not if its upsetting you'

and patton pulled him into his arms and swayed him and let him vent about a disasterous scenario that was replaying over and over in his head (about logan and roman never coming back from their shopping trip that day)

pat helped him through the breathing exercises first then the grounding exercises then vee regressed and patton abandoned his chores to take care of him for a few hours

and the washing machine remained broken that day and patton had to wash everyone's clothes by hand in the bath and he was up much too late and was far too exhausted and it took even longer to fix it the next day but he didnt care a single bit because he was there for his son when he needed patton and thats all that mattered to him

[gg-astrology]

Hey! I've been curious about this for a while. Since Jimin has strong scorpio energy, shouldn't he like scary stuff or be attracted by the paranormal or at least don't be afraid of this? Or is that a scorpionic misconception lol? Because he showed on Camara his disgust on the subject like disliking horror videogames and that. Idk if he's acting so the fans would be like “ooow look how cute he's scared” or if he truly dislikes it. You know, pure business selling a character or reality?

Hello! 💗💖💘 I do think this is like, a weird misconception sometimes that Scorpios can’t be scared?

Mostly I think it stems from the idea that ‘ohh they’re so in control and suave and dominant’ -  that it might’ve just translated into people assuming they are constantly just going to be like that. 

Which isn’t usually the case? It’s more like something we push/boxed people into inside our head based on observations of other circumstances. But when it comes to unexpected things like horrors or things that we ARE scared of- we mostly associate Scorpios to being almost unemotional about it, or we expect them to be this way - which is unfair ? to say the least? in how we treat another person or what we almost kinda pressure them into trying to fit what we think they should be?

Scorpios, BTS asks, Horrors ⬇️

I’d probably caution to be more careful about what assumptions we’ve made about others - or how we ourselves are the one curating someone else’s image without regards for who they actually are or having respect/trust to show us who they are sometimes. Which y know - hinders, communication and trust especially in a para-social experience (which is already a little tricky).  

I do think that most people - even with Scorpio placements - who has mutable pisces/gemini in them can be a little distraught when it comes to horrors even if it fascinates them. Especially in the moon position bc that’s about their emotions and receptivity. It’s more to do with how reactive they are and how that combined with the context of horror?? sometimes it CAN be fun for some people, but it’s exhausting to be the one person who’s constantly going to be reactive when a surprise happens to them that isn’t evoking good emotions/associations all the time. 

When it comes to horror that aims for specific emotions - some having really sad backstories or using trauma as a plot factor - being provoked into constantly recognizing these background factors and reliving it to process may or may not be someone’s cup of tea all the time. If it’s something that STICKS to them and keeps them constantly thinking/reflecting on the subject after in order to push through/process the experience (which is what/how mutable moons may constantly have to do in order to get through/pass certain phases/emotions in their life) - sometimes its just not worth it. Not worth the obsession, the time, the effort. Maybe there are other elements or subjects that could’ve given the same thing - it doesn’t always guarantee that Scorpios = likes horrors because that would be? over-generalization of the placement? 

I don’t doubt that there are Scorpios in our lives who do find fascination with the topics of horrors and paranormal - but I do think it’s more to do with the ease and ability to tune in, explore, and shed light on the subjects/discover it more than just trying to reason with why it’s science or some semantics on the issue of ghosts and aliens. It’s less of a ‘im going to do something with it’ fascination but more like an indulgence and a willingness to listen to experience and be receptive to other’s stories. However, I do think that if it weighs too heavily on the person or if it gets in the way of their everyday - day to day life - that it feeds on their paranoia or fear and becomes more of an issue to their practicality or skill-sets - then it’s not something they find worth the trouble. Which is - like, you don’t have to like horror or be a fan of it as a Scorpio - you can be into other subjects like true crime or whatever you find to align with your capabilities as well.

Actually if I really think about it - they’re more no-nonsense than they usually said to be on the topic? Like yeah they indulge them and likes being swayed by the fascination - but if it gets in the way, the ties should be cut before it gets out of hand. There’s other matters to attend to, other things needed by others. There’s more serious and practical topics to dive into or be of help with, that they’re needed/can actually be useful in. Can actually make the changes happen, unless they set their sights seriously on the topic of paranormal/ghosties - I do think it’s more of an indulgence, and not like - a characteristic traits sometimes - just like? the topic of sex and ‘taboo’ and how we think all Scorpios are obsessed with the subject - sometimes it’s really just about the indulgence and freedom that comes with non-semantics stuff. And they are martian ruled so it.. it makes sense that these fascinations/whims can take them somewhere with it.

But yeah, to answer your question: nah I don’t think he was just ‘acting’ to make the fans like him. To be honest it’s mostly this over generalizations and prejudice on Scorpios that makes people think ‘oh shouldn’t you be like that?’ or ‘shouldn’t you be like this?’ in order to fit them inside a box (which- sadly, happens to Libra and Geminis as well). I don’t doubt that certain Scorpio placements can stomach a lot of horrors and be fascinated by the topics - in the context of Jimin however, I do think he’s way more of a 'but why would you do that to yourself?’ head-first kinda person than to indulge in something he knows he’s going to get a fright of every single time and willingly put himself in that position to be emotionally provoked whenever he sees a horror thing.

But yeah thats just how? I see it. But!! 💗💖💘Thanks for the ask! 💗💖💘

[idonthaveanyurlideas]

Why Hello There

Guess Who Wrote Post-Episode-It’s-Nearly-Midnight-I-Have-No-Self-Control Fanfic Again

It’s Me ft. Jester’s having a bad time in this Cave of Horrors and honestly thats a mood and Beau’s here to give hugs and comfort please someone give jester a hug

Read it HERE or read it below 

Caleb was the first among them to fall asleep. Perhaps pass out was the more accurate term, but either way it ended with him sprawled out in the middle of his dome, limbs spread wide and eyes closed. Once he was out the rest of them soon followed, with Caduceus lying on his side close to the edge, Yasha sleeping ramrod straight — Beau really had no idea how she was able to go to sleep in one position and wake up the next morning in the exact same position, but Yasha always managed it — and Nott curling up next to Caleb.

Fjord at first claimed he would stay up for first watch with Beau, only to change his mind and asking her to wake him up for second watch instead. Beau herself was too tired to needle him about it, resigning herself to a solo watch as Fjord claimed a position next to Yasha, and Jester laid down on her back, her head less than a foot away from Beau.

She sighed deeply, looking out through the barrier of their magical hut to their twisted surroundings. This cave, or tomb, or whatever the hell it was… she couldn’t wait until they were done with it and they could leave.

Dimly, she registered Jester shifting close by, shuffling a little closer towards her, angling her back so that it nearly pushed up against her leg. Beau watched her silently for a moment, before she realised that Jester’s eyes weren’t closed. Her face was mostly turned away from her, but in the darkness she could barely see Jester’s eyelashes blink every few seconds, as if she weren’t even trying to get to sleep.

“Jessie?” Her voice came out as an almost croaky whisper, her exhaustion plainly evident. “You alright?”

“Mmhmm.” Came the hummed reply, though she shuffled even closer to Beau, her back now pressing against the side of her leg, her head just in front of her knee as Beau sat cross-legged on the ground.

“Can’t sleep?” To be honest, Beau wanted to be asleep. After the day she’d had, the day they’d all had, nothing seemed nicer than a good sleep.

But they were deep in this hellhole, so someone needed to be on watch. A selfish part of her had hoped for someone to share it with. But she wasn’t going to ask, not when everyone else was in just as much, if not more, need of a good sleep as her.

Absentmindedly, Beau petted the top of Jester’s shoulder, in what she hoped was at least a vaguely reassuring gesture. “It’s okay if you can’t,” She mumbled, wary that some of the others. Might not be fully asleep yet. “Could use some company.”

Jester remained still and silent for a moment, before shifting up into a sitting position, arranging herself so that she was next to Beau, but facing her. Her head hung low and her shoulders were tenses, hangs wrung together.

“This place…” Jester’s head tilted up and to the side, looking out into the darkness, the unknown. “It’s really scary Beau.”

Beau thought of everything that had already happened since they’d entered this place. The spiders, the crying statues, the lightning and mist-monster filled stairwell and the lair full of zombies. In the back of her head she remembered the murmuring of voices that had burrowed and screamed into her brain, and she let her hands fall loosely in her lap.

“Yeah. It is.” She stared down at her hands for a moment before looking around at the others, who all seemed undisturbed. None of them had gotten through today unscathed, even if some had undoubtedly had it worse than others. All of them had gotten steadily more freaked out and unsettled with each successive nightmare.

“It just keeps getting worse and worse.” Jester tilted herself around so that she was more side by side with Beau, leaning into her, her head resting on Beau’s shoulder. Automatically Beau tried to shift to make it more comfortable for both of them and to try and reassure Jester, looping her arm around Jester’s shoulders, tilting her head so that Jester’s horn didn’t poke into her skin. “There’s so many monsters and evil things and we still don’t know what this Oban guy wants with Yasha and…”

Her voice was shaky, breath hitching as Jester sniffled. “I want to get out of here.”

“Me too.” Beau tugged Jester in a little closer, linking her other arm so that she was giving her a gentle side-hug. “It’s been kinda shit, hasn’t it.”

Jester gave half a chuckle, which Beau chalked up as a success. “There were spiders and mist monsters and zombies… so many zombies…”

“Hey, you killed a bunch of them all by yourself.”

“It was mostly the Traveller.” Jester shrugged, and Beau couldn’t help but feel even more concerned than she already was. Jester loved to take credit for her accomplishments. If anything, she had a tendency to brag about them sometimes, not downplay them.

“Maybe, but without you he wouldn’t have been able to do jack shit.” Beau said firmly. “He’d be nowhere if you weren’t out here being his biggest follower.”

Jester didn’t directly respond, exhaling slowly. Her body still seemed stiff, and Beau just wasn’t sure what to say. She wasn’t a comforter, she didn’t know how to talk to people. So she did what she always did when she didn’t know what to say; say the very first thing that popped into her head and hope it turned out for the best.

“I heard you turned into a giant bird for a bit.” She mumbled. “Didn’t see it, cause of all the mist, but I bet it was cool.”

Jester exhaled again, but this time when she spoke, she sounded a little more steady. “It was really cool.”

“Maybe you’ll get another opportunity to turn into a bird. Then I’d get to see it.”

“Maybe.” Despite the very slight uptick in her mood, Beau could still sense the undercurrent of exhaustion, a subdued tension that was very unlike Jester.

“Do you want to go to sleep? I don’t think I’m as good at massages as you were but I can give it a shot.” Beau let loose the arm that was hugging around Jester’s front, instead tucking loose strands of Jester’s hair behind her ears and horns.

Jester chuckled again, twice this time. “No, you’ll never be able to do it as well as my Mama. I just want this to be over with.”

“We’ll get through it. I’ll make sure of it.” It felt like an eternity ago when Beau had promised she would kill and die for the Mighty Nein, and Jester had promised she would heal her back. Many things had changed since that day, but that promise wasn’t one of them.

Jester hummed an acknowledgement, sliding down a little until her head rested on Beau’s thigh. Beau kept running her fingers through Jester’s hair, threading out the knots.

They settled into a soft silence, before Jester broke it. “Is your hand okay?”

Beau glanced at her hand. She’d taken her lightning gauntlets off once they’d settled down in the hut for the night, leaving her hands covered mostly by her wraps. Her right hand was fine, but the wraps on her left hand had been burned away, disintegrated to her wrist by the weird lightning crystal she’d pulled out of its circuit. Faded, jagged marks crisscrossed her hand, the burns and injury healed up by Caduceus’ magic throughout the day, but not fully erased.

If it scarred that way, it would probably look pretty badass. But healing magic could be finicky with things like that. “It doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m fine.”

“It looked really bad before.”

“Yeah, it hurt like a motherfuck. Kind of like after I’d pulled Nott from the lava. That hurt way more.” Beau surveyed the ruined wraps on her left hand, judging how much could be salvaged.

“That was scary too.” Jester’s legs curled up to her chest. “We keep ending up doing scary things, all the time.”

“Not all the time. Sometimes we do fun things like stealing boats and buying animals off the side of the road.” Beau started making loose braids in Jester’s hair, matching the tiny smile that was beginning to grow on the tiefling’s face.

“I do want to see Nugget and Sprinkle again. But I’m glad they’re not here.”

“Oh, when we get back they won’t be able to leave you alone. Poor Yeza, having to deal with them both by himself.”

Jester giggled. “I bet they miss me so much.”

Inwardly, Beau had a feeling that Sprinkle at least was probably enjoying his vacation very much, but she wasn’t about to say that. Sprinkle was an ungrateful weasel. “They definitely do.”

They lapsed into silence once more, but this time Jester seemed to relax with each exhale, one hand resting on Beau’s knees and languidly drawing circles on it. Her eyes slowly began to close, and Beau continued to braid her hair, aware that she was now permanently stuck in this spot unless she wanted to disturb Jester, and she did not want to disturb Jester.

“Beau?” Jester spoke under her breath, barely audible.

“Yeah?”

“It’ll probably be scary tomorrow too.” It was a simple statement, an anticipation of what they might have to face when they woke up. Hell, there was no guarantee they’d even get through this rest without something awful interrupting them.

“Probably.” Beau mumbled, unbraiding a chunk of hair and running her fingers through it. “But we’ll all be there. We’ll get through it.”

It probably wasn’t the most reassuring thing she could’ve said. But Jester wasn’t an idiot, and she knew just as well as the rest of them that this particular nightmare was probably far from over. All Beau could offer was the fact that she’d be standing beside her. Hopefully that would be enough.

Jester didn’t respond to that, and as the minutes ticked by her breathing began to even out, her eyes slipping shut. Beau continued to slowly comb through her hair with her fingers for a little while longer, half thinking about how she’d wake up Fjord without disturbing Jester, and half thinking about what they’d talked about.

She couldn’t wait til they were done with this place. Staring out past the safe wall of their hut, Beau felt a shiver run down her spine, the whispers swelling up in the back of her mind, just far enough away that they couldn’t do anything, couldn’t blank out her mind and leave her stunned again, but she couldn’t forget that they were there.

Beau looked down at Jester, curled up with her head resting on Beau’s leg. She tried to push the thoughts of the whispers out of her head, glancing at each of the Mighty Nein in turn, double-checking they were all fine. Well, relatively fine.

Tomorrow probably would be scary, just like today had been. Probably even more so. But Beau wasn’t about to let her friends face it on her own. It was a comfort that they’d be there so she wouldn’t be alone too.

[winewitandwords]

If you hear hoofbeats....

They say that when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras. And that’s something that’s really been on my mind lately- think the norm, not the exception. But what happens when the norm for you is a conditioned response, or a negative self talk and conversation. What happens when you’ve been through so much that those hoofbeats take you right back to where you’ve fought so hard to come back from? What do I mean exactly? Well, earlier today I was talking with a friend that has a similar history of bad decisions and experiences when it comes to the men we chose to let into our lives, and we started discussing how the triggers we have- like the tells weve discovered from our past partners, the lies weve been told, the feelings weve felt, can cause us to have issues in our current relationships or even present as problems in building future relationships. For example, my friend is seeing someone that works away a lot, and while he texts her every morning, and sends her good morning selfies and makes a consistent and honest effort to maintain  contact every day, its hard for her not to think about what he could be doing while hes away from her. Its hard for her not to think the worst each and every time he falls asleep without texting her back or saying goodnight. Is it because hes a bad guy? Is it because she doesn’t trust him, or the foundation for the relationship isn’t there? No, it has nothing to do with him, honestly- he could be the greatest, sweetest, most amazing man, and shed still have those issues.  Its hard for her to establish a positive response, to have that reassuring self conversation that can calm her nerves and ease her mind, because she is so conditioned to the worst case scenario- she hears those hoofbeats and she thinks horses, because that’s what her past experiences have led her to think- when in reality, perhaps she should be thinking zebras, because the fact that its not the norm, is really kind of the whole point, isn’t it?

So how does one re-train themselves to think zebras? How do we undo the incredible amounts of damage that have been inflicted by past partners and experiences? Its not like theres some magical easy button or eraser that can undo where weve been and what weve gone through- and I personally don’t think that erasing it from our history is the answer. I think that to fully change our mindframe, to allow ourselves to step away from the conditioned responses that weve developed in the past, we have to allow ourselves to first fully explore and come to terms with where weve been and what has happened. I think we need to learn how to air our dirty laundry, how to bring the feelings and experiences that weve hidden so deeply away, to  light, and truly examine them- so that we can take away the power that they are still able to hold over us. Easier said than done, right? Well, Im a firm believer in practicing what I preach, and heaven knows, I have a lot of past baggage that still holds power over me. I’ve always felt like I needed to hide the broken pieces of myself, like having gone through some of what Ive been through has made me “damaged goods” and cast me off in a corner of misfits and broken souls.

 Recently however, I have been really focusing on coming back to terms with myself and really working on falling back in love with the person that looks back at me every morning in the mirror. Ive been re-learning the importance of self care and learning how to be at peace with my choices, and experiences, even if some of them have been less than stellar or led to less than healthy places. And I truly believe that an important aspect of that is finally being able to talk about some of the things I’ve gone through- to finally face them and be able to be so completely honest about them- something that hasnt always been easy for me, as I’ve always been that annoyingly stubborn person wth the impossibly high walls and have always been absolutely terrible at letting anyone see the vulnerable, raw and true parts of me. 

Why here? Why now? Why anonymously for the whole world to read? That part is easy to answer. Here- because its safe. Its the world wide web, where no one knows me, no one is looking over my shoulder or down their noses at me- judging where I’ve been or what I’ve done. I mean, go ahead and judge- I fully expect it- how could I not when I still judge myself so harshly over some of these things- all Im saying is in the land of the interwebs, its less scary to open up and face those judgments, as I wont have to face the one issuing them every day in my every day life. Anonymously because I can change names and locations to protect all of the players in some of these stories, including my beautiful baby girl who doesnt need to grow up in the shadow of her mommy’s past transgressions, and my friends and family, who are not always completely innocent, but have also never asked to have their selves raked over the coals in the process of my own journey. As for why now? Because I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting emotional battles that no one understands, over things that no one really knows about or has seen in their entirety. I’m tired of being so emotionally exhausted from trying to hold all my broken pieces in, and hiding the damage that they cause on a daily basis, of telling people “I’m fine” when truthfully, I am so far from fine that its not even funny. I’m tired of feeling guilt and shame over my deepest, darkest secrets, instead of facing them and accepting them as part of what has made me who I am today. And, finally, as far as why am I posting any of this to the world at all? That one is a no brainer for me. I know that I am not the only one that has struggles. I know that I am not the only one that has been through hardships and pain and made bad choices and had to suffer the consequences. I know that there are others out there that are feeling lost and alone and confused and broken- and I know how much I wished that there had just been that one person that understood totally and completely where I was coming from. I want to be that person. I’m hoping that these words may find their way to someone that needs to hear them, that they may bring light to someone thats been stuck in their dark place for far too long. Im hoping that they will inspire courage and hope, as well as entertain and bring laughter- because, folks, if you cant find even the slightest sliver of humor in admist of the darkness, you can trust that me and my big mouth and sarcastic tendencies will find some for you! 

Anxiety and depression, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, bipolar- so many more to list, these are all conditions that make things from our past so much harder to face and process, and I have a few of them in the bag. And honestly, were all in this together. So please,  if you feel like following, reading, feeling, pull up a seat and settle on in. I recommend pouring a glass of wine or something of the sort- god knows I’ve probably got a glass going 90% of the time while Im writing, and good wine deserves good company- and hopefully what you feel will be good reading. Thats about all I have for now- stay tuned for the next post... where I’ll really start to delve into the fun stuff, once I decide which pile of dirty laundry to pull out first. I want all you beautiful souls to keep your heads up- youre amazing!

[pamphletstoinspire]

Reconciliation: Graced Opportunities

One of my greatest joys as a priest is to be an instrument of God’s mercy to people in the Sacrament of Reconciliation (See below for meaning of the Sacrament of Reconciliation). Some people tell me they leave freer and with a lighter heart after hearing, “Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” I’m surprised more people don’t use the opportunity for forgiveness and grace.I hope they don’t stay away because of memories of harsh confessors or dark, scary confessionals. Reconciliation rooms I know today have priests who are welcoming and kind.

[Sacrament of Reconciliation:

Three things are required for a sin to be mortal: serious matter, full consent, and full knowledge (cf. CCC 1858-1859).

Serious matter means what has been done is just that — serious. It’s something with real consequences; it matters in my life with God and the Church. Our Church helps us by pointing out certain activities that are serious matters — usually significant violations of the 10 Commandments.

Full consent, the second requirement, means that we freely chose to do it. Doing anything with full freedom is rare because we are weak human beings who often think we are more free than we really are. Things like fear, peer pressure, laziness, addiction, ignorance, pride, and immaturity, often interfere with being truly free.

The same goes with full knowledge. Here we must ask: Did I truly understand and appreciate the ramifications and seriousness of what I did? Did I know it was wrong and fully grasp its sinfulness and its consequences for my life with God, self, and others?

Now here’s the most important thing to remember: To the degree that I was free or had knowledge of what I was doing, I am responsible for sinning. So I may have done something seriously wrong, but it may not be a serious or mortal sin. It is sinful and should be rooted out of our lives, but may not be mortally so.

Our loving God understands our human weakness. That is one reason he became human. He is calling us to full life with his Church and with himself.

Explain mortal sin and venial sin. What’s the difference?

A comment stating that “I’m terrified that I don’t know the difference between mortal and venial sins” came to me via our website. I’d like to address this issue, and hopefully put that person’s mind at ease, by looking at sin as a breach in relationships. This is consistent with what our Church teaches about the effects of Baptism, which states that, by Baptism, we are made children of God and brothers of Jesus in the Holy Spirit. Thus, our first sacramental encounter sets us firmly within a familial bond with God and the Church, who is called our mother.

Like all familial relationships, our life with God and the Church can be enhanced or weakened by our actions and attitudes; it can be built up or torn down. Loving, supportive activities strengthen the bond between us; hateful and unsupportive acts break it down. And that is what sin is—a breakdown in relationships which can be slight (venial) or very serious (mortal) depending on what is done and why it is done.

What determines the severity of a behavior involves freedom and knowledge, for something very serious could be done without it being a mortal sin and vice versa. For example, someone could take another’s life. Was it an accident, and therefore incurs no guilt or sin? Or was it intentional? (Even our court systems distinguish among various degrees of guilt in the case of death.) What is done and why it is done are essential questions.

Therefore, it is impossible to give a list of mortal sins. One can give a list of serious behaviors that have the potential for being mortally sinful if performed with sufficient knowledge and freedom, but they are not automatically serious sins. The deeper questions are what effect did it have on our relationship with God, self, and others? And did we both know and appreciate those effects?

How do we know if what we did was venially or mortally sinful? Through prayerful reflection, we look at the seriousness of the behavior, the degree of freedom we enjoyed at the time, and whether we truly appreciated the moral value of the behavior remembering that we are often less free and appreciative than we sometimes think we are. It may not be as easy to commit a mortal sin as we think it is.

The good news is that God is an all-forgiving and all-loving God. As Jesus told us, “God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him” (Jn 3:16).

What should I confess?

A viewer writes concerning the Sacrament of Reconciliation: “I don’t know how much I should tell the priest. How detailed are we supposed to be?” At a retreat for priests from around the world given by Pope Francis in Rome — a retreat I was privileged to attend — the Holy Father told us that we are not to ask a lot of questions, lest people think we are being nosy. Good advice from a true pastor!

The requirement in canon law is to confess our grave sins by number and species (cf. CIC, can. 988). One commentator explains that this is intended to give a heads up to the priest as to the nature and frequency of a particular sin so that he can appreciate the situation and give appropriate counsel. It is not intended to be an exhaustive list of exact numbers and detailed description of the sinful act. Requiring that would fit into the Pope’s definition of being nosy.

As a confessor, I can say that having a general idea of penitents’ behavior is helpful for assisting them in their spiritual growth. What is not helpful is when a penitent purposefully fudges on details so that the priest has no idea what he/she is talking about. We need to be honest and straightforward so that the confessor knows what we did and can help us grow beyond that particular form of sinful behavior.

For example, it is not helpful to say that I stole money. What would be helpful, and consistent with the requirement of canon law, would be to say “I stole a thousand dollars once, because my family was starving” or “I stole a thousand dollars over a long period of time because that made it easier to not get caught.” Very different situations where number and species are very relevant for the priest to be pastorally helpful.

Finally, knowing what we do and how often we do it can by an eye-opening experience for us as we try to honestly turn to our God in true repentance. An examination of conscience can be a truly helpful practice.

How can one eliminate sins that are committed and confessed over and over? I believe that we have all faced this frustration at one time or another.

I will begin my answer with a reminder that no one overcomes sins by himself or herself. Whether we are victorious over a habit of sin has less to do with our willpower than with God’s grace. It is God who conquers sin, not us. Having said that, I will immediately add that we must cooperate with God’s grace in the process. God does not force anything on us. Rather, he invites us to accept his gifts — one of which is victory over sin.

Whether we suffer from a habit of sin or appear to conquer it has more to do with God than with us. Ours is to pray, avoid the occasions that could lead us into this sin, and trust in God’s loving mercy.

So why does God allow us to wallow in a sinful pattern? Not knowing the mind of God, I can only take stabs at an answer. But I am reminded of Saint Paul’s statement that, when asking to be freed from a “thorn in his side,” God responded that “my grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12:9). In other words, in Saint Paul’s weakness and inability to overcome this evil, he was strong in God’s grace. He knew very well that it was not his own good intentions or willpower that was at work.

As a confessor, I have found that each of us has one area of weakness where we often fail even when we have the best of intentions. Maybe God allows us to recognize our weakness in this one area so that we don’t get cocky and pat ourselves on the back for good achievement. It keeps us humble and recognizing that we need God’s mercy.

If we must confess the same sin year after year, remember that God is allowing this evil for his own purpose. We just need to keep doing our part to pray, avoid those occasions that can lead us into sin, and trust in God’s mercy. Remember that the command to be as perfect as our heavenly Father is a call to conform ourselves to Christ in his obedience to the Father’s will. Such conformity will allow the grace of God to conquer sin within us.

Why can’t I confess my sins directly to God? Why involve a priest?

The Book of Genesis relates that God shared authority with human beings by having them rule over the animals. The Book of Exodus tells of God working through the ministry of Moses to liberate the people. The prophets were men who mediated between God and human beings. Jesus sent his disciples out to share in his ministry of healing and preaching.

God could obviously have done a better job than Adam and Eve, Moses, the prophets, the disciples, or any one of us. But love allows God to share with humans — even knowing that we will mess up. God chose to make certain people mediators of his love and grace for the good of the entire community so that humans would have a share in his ministry.

In each of the sacraments, God’s grace — for it is really his grace that is at the heart of every sacrament—comes to us mediated through people and things. That’s just the way God set it up because of his love for us.

So, too, in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. God forgives through the ministry of a priest. And this gives the sacrament a very warm and human aspect as we hear the words of absolution pronounced officially and authoritatively by a priest who not only represents Christ, but the whole Church. We are human beings with senses and emotions. The mediation of God’s graces speaks to our need to hear and sense his words of forgiveness.

How important is this sacrament in my daily faith journey?

Since we are required to celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation only when we are conscious of having committed a mortal sin (cf. CCC, 1457), the sacrament could, theoretically, play a very minimal role in our spiritual life. But that would be very minimalistic to say the least.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church strongly encourages more frequent celebration of the sacrament, stating that even confession of our less serious sins leads to positive effects. It lists the following: confession helps us form our consciences, helps us resist temptation, allows us to experience the healing touch of Christ, and helps us progress in the life of the Spirit (cf. CCC, 1458).

Frequent use of the sacrament also helps us stay attuned to our spiritual lives. The more frequently we become aware of the condition of our life with God, self, and others, the better grip we have on both the progress and lack of progress in our spiritual life. It offers a good barometer of how we are doing.

Making the Sacrament of Reconciliation a vibrant part of one’s spiritual life — especially if it hasn’t been such in quite a while — basically just requires the decision to begin again. Most priests would be willing to help someone back into the swing of things, knowing that the first time back could be a bit awkward.]

Pope Francis once told those gathered in St. Peter’s Square not to be afraid or ashamed to go to confession. You will not “encounter a severe judge there, but the immensely merciful Father. When we go to confession, we feel a bit ashamed. That happens to all of us, but we must remember this shame is a grace that prepares us for the embrace of the Father, who always forgives and always forgives everything.”

We know that confession is not the only way our sins are forgiven. When we are truly contrite and ask, God is ready to forgive. Every Mass begins with the whole community asking for forgiveness.

Why go to confession? I can list five reasons why I go.

1. I meet Jesus there. In the words of Pope Francis, again, “Jesus Christ is the face of the Father’s mercy. Mercy has become living and visible in Jesus of Nazareth….” After his resurrection and ascension, the risen Jesus works through the Church. In the Sacrament of Penance, Jesus acts through the visible priest who is empowered to forgive sins in his name.

2. My examination of conscience serves as a reality check on whether I am being honest with myself and with God, and taking responsibility for my actions.

3. I profit from the objectivity and advice of the priest.

4. The Seal of Confession gives me the absolute assurance that what I say will not be repeated to anyone else.

5. “The forgiven penitent is reconciled with himself in his inmost being,” Pope Saint John Paul II said. As a priest, I have been hearing confessions for over 50 years. Before I was ordained, I remember a priest-teacher telling me, “You will realize many people are much holier than you are.” I find that is very true. Only mortal sins need to be confessed, but the Church recommends confessing “everyday faults” (venial sins) like envy, pride, or impatience. Doing so helps form our conscience and alerts us to harmful tendencies. Both saints and sinners profit from the sacrament.

As a confessor, I respect the conscience of those confessing. Even if people are struggling with sin, I tell them that God sees their good will and walks with them in their struggle.

Saint Augustine of Hippo said, “Whoever confesses his sin is already working with God.” The penitents’ focus is their sins. My focus is God’s love and mercy. To use the metaphor of Pope Francis, the Church is like a field hospital. Spiritual wounds are cared for — for those willing to come.

By: Jeremy Harrington, OFM,

[azkabqn]

I wasn't sure if I was going to post anything for mental health awareness month. But as afraid as I am with admitting my struggles, I feel like it's something that isn't shared enough. And if you dont want to read this than thats totally fine. I just ask that if you're going through your own battles, I strongly encourage you to seek out help. It's terrifying but necessary. Mental illness is a liar and it blindfolds you. Don't let hope become a memory. Your life is worth changing.

Im Lydia, im 22 and for the past 3 years I've suffered with severe depression and anxiety. And I guess this is a post to bring to light how exhausting mental health can be. But also how it's so worth it to fight for better.

It's scary how long you can live with it and never really notice. It creeps its way in so slowly that your mind begins to recognise the thought process as a state of normal. I'd sometimes come across a post about a strangers brave battle with mental illness and never once thought, hey that's me. I'd read and often relate but never saw it in myself. I'm still not sure why, but I think it was the part of me that was trying to deny it.

I pulled away from everything and everyone around me til all I did was stare at my ceiling fan making mental lists of everything I should be doing, but laying on my bed sounded the most comfortable. Depression and anxiety became comfortable. When I think about it now, that's so incredibly fucked up. My mind was more content staring at nothing than doing the things I loved, the education I paid for, sitting down and spending time with family and friends. Taking a shower. It was more comfortable to sit and stare for months than to participate in life.

It's terrifying how quickly willpower can be snuffed out. How suddenly rational thinking is drowned by the flood of panic and tears. Your mind races through thoughts quicker than your heart is pumping. And all you've done is sit and stare at a blank page for 5 minutes. A piece of paper and the intention to fill it is too daunting to consier. Everyone around you can do it so easily. But they dont get it, you have to write you have to think and when you struggle to come up with even 1 reason to get out of bed each day. Every little thing becomes a mountain. And when you have a birds eye view of that mountain range, pulling up the bed covers and rolling over feels safer.

It took me 3 years to recognise I needed help. I'd go through cycles with intense bursts of depression and anxiety, followed by a wave of numbness. In those times I felt nothing I thought i was getting better, feeling nothing is better than feeling everything at once. It took me going through a few very hard situations; each time tipping me to my limits, each scaring the hell out of my parents and the people around me getting caught in my emotional crossfire, before recognising I needed help. I mistook numbness for peace and that's why the cycles continued.

My mind had beaten into me for years that I was alone in this world, that no one truly cared. And to finally need someone to care, feels like seeing a small light being turned on in the distance and blindly running in the dark to a vague direction. You have no idea whats hiding between you and that light. You're suddenly aware of how exposed you are, and how dark it really is.

I read that pirates wore eyepatches so that when they would walk between above and below deck they wouldn't be blinded by the stark difference in environment. Seeing a therapist feels a little like you've been below deck in the slog of chaos, desperately trying to keep your ship a float by yourself. No longer wearing an eyepatch because there's never time to go upstairs. Then suddenly a calm voice and door opens and the light floods in and its terrifying because its new and different, but when you breathe that first breath of fresh air and once your eyes adjust, you see exactly how you've been living. And bullying yourself like that is no way to live.

I was in therapy for months, arming myself with techniques to rewire my brain function. Literally. My therapist had me drawing a sheild at one point. But my mental health journey isn't one to be ashamed of. It's not the first thing I talk about with people, but im slowly learning to accept that that road was a necessary one for my personal growth. I'm out of therapy now, but constantly still using techniques I've learnt to keep myself in this new positive head space I've fought for.

To be totally cliché, im going to end this with some lyrics from Last Hope by Paramore.. Because to be honest I'm not really sure how else to end this, but this song really did help me get through the wost of times.

"And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to. It's not that I don't feel the pain it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore.

It's just a spark, But it's enough to keep me going

(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)

And when it's dark out, no one's around, It keeps glowing."