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cagedchoices · 1 year ago

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VERSE INFO - MODERN AU V1

AGE: Any between 19 - 42 years old

OCCUPATION: Soldier (19-26); Construction Worker (26-35); Auto Mechanic (35-)

SETTING: Midwestern US? — Present-Day

(The majority of this au was originally developed alongside @aworldofyou and @paddyfuck and designed to be compliant with their existing lore. ❤️ If I have missed anything or gotten something wrong? You two feel free to let me know. I tried looking back through old posts and such to make sure but tumblr search isn't always so good when it comes to that.)

The full background is as follows:

Caleb Nichols will never really know if his father was the biggest asshole in the world or if he was just some unlucky guy prevented entirely by circumstance from returning to his family. Jeannette "Jeannie" Nichols loves her son and does her best to give him a good childhood, all while struggling under the weight of a mental illness she doesn't understand or even knows she has yet.

Dolores Abernathy, at 4 years old, is taken from her home after her father is arrested and put on trial for murder. She is sent to live with a man named Arnold, and remains in his care until her father is finally acquitted of the charges against him. She stays in contact with Arnold after returning home to her parents' care 2 years later, seeing him as a mentor and second father figure, looking to him for advice on matters that her family wasn't as much help with. When Dolores is 13, Arnold dies by suicide, unable to cope with the tragedy in his life any longer. This shakes her, and makes her feel more distant from her family.

At 8 years old, Caleb's mother takes him to a diner for lunch one afternoon. They sit and enjoy their meal, and then his mom tells him she needs to use the restroom and to wait right there for her. Caleb waits, but his mom never comes back to the booth. After a period of anxious waiting that spirals out into a downright traumatic experience involving a strawberry milkshake, Caleb is taken in by social services, who have no luck in locating his mom for months, and is placed in a foster home which he is told should only be temporary. His mom is found 6 months later not too far from the diner where she first went missing.

She's alive and physically in good health, but mentally she appears highly disoriented and presents with symptoms strongly linked to dementia. She has no memory of leaving the diner. She is evaluated and diagnosed, and recommended to receive inpatient psychiatric care. She remembers she has a son named Caleb, but when Caleb is brought to see her, she doesn't recognize him as the same boy. Caleb is disheartened by this, but the care staff, his mom's doctors, and his foster parents all encourage him to keep visiting her because they're sure she appreciates the company even if she doesn't understand who he's supposed to be.

12 year old Caleb runs away from his foster parents following an argument after another return home from visiting his mother. Caleb's mom didn't recognize him, this time due to the fact that he'd grown so much since the last time she remembered him. His foster parents try their best to calm and comfort him through the devastation, but Caleb sees it only as fake sentiment and pity. He tells them they don't have to keep pretending to give a shit about him or his real mom, because he "knows" the truth is nobody cares.

When he's out on his own, Caleb meets 13 year old Dolores, who he quickly becomes friends with despite Doll's distant personality in the aftermath of Arnold's death. Dolores warmly extends an invitation telling him he's welcome to stay at her house if he needs a place to stay for the night, her parents love having guests. Caleb is hesitant, but accepts the offer and accompanies Dolores as she leads him to the Abernathy ranch house and introduces him to the family - her father Peter, her mother Edith, and her identical twin sister Penelope.

Caleb finds he appreciates the candid nature of the Abernathy family much more than his foster family, and begins to spend a lot of his free time at their house in response. He is even loaned one of the spare bedrooms as his own space whenever he might need it. Before long Edith and Peter are talking about formally adopting him. They finalize the paperwork after some months of grueling meetings with social services and his foster parents, and Caleb is officially adopted.

Dolores is 15 when her father dies suddenly, Caleb is a year younger at 14. Edith begins dating again mere weeks after Peter's death, which the kids have a hard time processing. She remarries and this sends both Dolores and Caleb spiraling in different ways.

Caleb turns to alcohol to drown his sorrows. He avoids family gatherings, he goes to parties with friends and strangers alike and spends much of his time getting drunk and desperately trying to have a good time all while it feels like he's watching everything rot from the inside out.

Dolores attempts suicide, but is stopped by William Grace. She becomes close with William and breaks up with Teddy, her previous boyfriend, but breaks up with William too not long after their relationship starts. Dolores is torn between her feelings for each of them and feels she can't love two people at once.

At 19 years old, Dolores goes to art college hoping to pursue her dream of being a painter. The art students take a class trip to a school for homeless, orphaned and displaced children, and during their visit there, Dolores bonds with a little girl who is 4 years old. The girl's name is Anne and Dolores becomes so attached that she can't bear to see Anne be lost and shuffled around in the adoption/foster care system. She formally adopts Anne and drops out of college to be a mother to the young girl.

At 19 years old, Caleb joins the army. His enlistment date is just a few days before Christmas. He is deployed to Afghanistan, where he is part of a combat special forces unit he serves with for 6 years, until his squad is bombed. Only Caleb and his best friend Francis survive, sustaining moderate injuries. Caleb suffers a skull fracture that frequently causes him migraines. He has surgery to repair the worst of the fracture, and then is left to heal.

At 25, Caleb returns home, where he struggles extensively with PTSD and survivor's guilt. He is severely depressed and experiences suicidal thoughts, and seeks help from a therapist as a result. But his first referral isn't great. This therapist spends her sessions gaslighting Caleb and downplaying the impact his trauma has on how he perceives the world.

He temporarily moves back to the Abernathy ranch, seeking support from the nest and finding it as he spends time reconnecting with Dolores and young Anne.

Depending on what part of the multiverse I'm working with:

1. Caleb meets Uwade, a nurse working at the local hospital. She thinks he's sweet and cute and starts crushing on him, and Caleb crushes on her in return, ultimately falling for her caretaking nature. One thing leads to another and they start dating, with Uwade finding out soon afterward that she is pregnant and Caleb is the father. They talk things over and Caleb marries her. Their daughter Frankie is born.

2. At a traveling circus, Caleb meets Lulu Warren @timerevolt a world-class knife thrower. Lulu picks him from the audience to be her assistant one night and finds their personalities vibe well. She invites Caleb to hang out after the show and the two get to know each other better over drinks and snacks. Their relationship grows over the next month as a whirlwind romance.

Lulu quits her job with the circus and decides to stay and live with Caleb. They continue dating for a year and on the anniversary of the day they met, Caleb proposes to Lulu. They are engaged for one week before they rush off for a weekend Las Vegas elopement together, having a very small, intimate wedding ceremony at a little white chapel.

Shortly after returning home, Lulu and Caleb discuss starting a family and the possibility of having children and begin trying for a baby as a result. Their first two attempts are unsuccessful, Lulu does not get pregnant after two cycles and she is quite distraught by this but Caleb is there to comfort her through it. After their third attempt, she becomes pregnant and during an ultrasound, the couple is happy to discover that she's carrying twins.

The twins are born - a boy and a girl, two healthy babies. Caleb and Lulu name them Hunter and Wren.

3. Open.

#as soon as you stop running everyone else starts to catch up — modern v1.#verse info.#tw death #tw suicide #tw mental illness #tw parental neglect #tw alcohol #tw pregnancy #ask to tag #just...yknow the usual w/estworld gambit

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13thdoodle · 6 years ago

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[ Inktober Day 1 - 3 ]

Day 1 is based on the last bit of a dream I had. It felt really wholesome so I feel I need to share it

Day 2 is @petite-pumpkin Foxster and Botster because they are dum good bois well botster is foxster is not And also because they fit @fallska 30 character designs for day 10 where i left of : Organic and Manmade material

Day 3 is #11 RPG Class so... Ceres from DnD, a half - elf cleric

#inktober #inktober 2018 #13thdoodle #30characterdesigns #selamatmencari is my instagram acc #ceres #foxster #botster #13thoc #Day 1 dream has a slightly darker implication coz in that dream #the man was offering an advice to..prevent suicide?#i probably read sth related to that and it got dragged on #*read sth before sleep

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shadyteacup · 4 years ago

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If you’re still doing requestsssssss how about a hcs of Dazai x fem! Reader who is like Midari from Kakegurui 😌

Ooh thats a nice one! Yes love, I'm still doing requestss

And I'm so sorry, this is so late... also it's very long n I'm not exaggerating. It's not even funny I'm so sorry

I'm Crazy, But I'm Free

Dazai x Fem!reader who is like Midari

• You and Dazai probably met during his days at the port mafia.

• I can imagine the mafia capturing you because of how much trouble you were causing in a casino.

• UK, when big businesses pay gangsters for security?? Yeah, similarly the casino you were playing at, has paid the mafia.

• You were already banned from many other casinos, as your games either end with you gaining a lot of money, or begin with a dangerous condition.

• Many people were quite afraid of you, and wanted to avoid even being in the same room as you, as they couldn't handle the severity of the danger you pose with every game.

• Anyways, so you were warned by a few members of the mafia twice, but you, being the fearless adventurer you are, flipped them off and continued to seek a life threatening game.

• So then the mafia decided to use violence, and cornered you in a dark alley. You pulled out your beloved gun.

"Well, well, well! Do you boys want a fight!?", you excitedly point the gun at them.

"Put your weapon down, Ms. L/N. We are here to warn you for the final time. Stay away from this casino. Further misbehavior will lead to dangerous consequences."

You hum, thinking up a plan.

"How about this. My revolver has 5 bullets. And there are five of us. How about we all take turns to shoot blindfolded!"

You excitedly shove them in a circular arrangement.

"I'll go first! The rules are that every person gets a chance to shoot from the center of the circle. If the bullet misses, everyone takes a step ahead, closer to the center."

You explain, grinning at the men clad in all black.

"If a bullet hits me, I'll agree to your terms. If it hits one of you lot, then you can't stop me anymore. What do you say?!"

The mafiosi were weirded out by this. What if you had a good aim, or an ability that allowed you to shoot them with your eyes closed? They didn't have much intel on you, and only knew you to be a girl from a rich background, who had come to Yokohama for higher studies.

"That's enough. Grab her-"

• Thats when our boy showed up. Dazai was curious when he overheard some of the men talk about some 'fearless girl that had flipped them off even after two rather threatening warnings.'

• So he had decided to tag along, staying in the shadows, until now.

• "I think it will be a wonderful idea. Play along, gentlemen. I want to see where this goes."

• You shot, and missed. So did the other guy. Then the other one. Now, the circle had shrunk really small. You were almost in the line of fire at this point. There was an 80% chance of getting shot.

• "That's enough." ,Dazai said, as he walked to stand in front of you.

• "You are daring, aren't you. You're not afraid of death."

• Staring into his eyes, you saw a reflection of yourself. A dark, lost soul stared back at you.

• "In fact, you arranged this little game to ensure that you got hurt. You perfectly planned it out, and ensured that as the circle gets smaller, you would be in the direct line of fire."

• "You missed the first shot on purpose, didn't you?"

• He had seen right through your game.

'What's this guy's deal?', you thought.

"Why would you stop the game when it was at its peak? Hah? Whats wrong with you, man?!", you angrily grab his collar. "I was just beginning to have fun, and here you are, ruinjng it!"

• Taken aback by your bravery, he just blinked at you.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Yes, obviously, idiot. But that doesn't give you any right to interrupt our game."

"Oh? So who do you think I am."

You give him a 'baka janiono?' look.

"You are their leader. Probably an executive of the mafia, judging by your expensive suit. Why?"

The thoughts running through Dazai's head were along the lines of :

'Just who is this girl? How does she know about the mafia? Surely my men weren't dumb enough to tell her who they work for. How does she know about my position? She surely didn't just guess that, right?? And why the fuck does a student have a gun? Does her family have connections within the underworld? She obviously doesn't fear death. Will she be a good addition to the mafia?'

• "What are you thinking about, baka? Answer me."

• He smiled sweetly at you, and firmly gripped your wrist, pushing it off his collar.

"There's someone who would like to meet you"

Before you can retort back, he continues,"You seek adventure, do you not? You want to feel something worthwhile. Something akin to facing death, something that will give you an adrenaline rush. I can give you all of that. If you come with me, that is."

• Mori was shocked when he heard about what had happened. He agreed with Dazai's decision to make you join the ranks. He needed such fearless crackheads in his organization.

• He paired you up with the double black, making you an executive too. You hadn't quite agreed to his terms, but he had offered you to just accompany the ginger and the brunette on a mission. And had let you make the final decision .

• You three had to go to an abandoned warehouse, where some people were tampering with the mafia goods. There, you saw how sadistic Dazai was. How manipulative and bad he was. It made you fall for him. Hard. Plus, you realized the risk of being a mafiosi. It was quite thrilling.

• When you got back, you had screamed at mori to let you join. Quite literally begged. And he, ofcourse, agreed. You hadn't even given him a chance to threaten your life, which was the usual norm, when a valuable asset wasn't willing to join the ranks of the feared organization.

• You trained with dazai. And purposely got hit. It turned you on. But you never mentioned anything, in fear of being rejected.

• Dazai, ofcourse, noticed this, and one fine day, confronted you about it. You told him just how much you love him. He was always intrigued by your sadistic side. He saw a part of himself in you. The daring, brave, smart side of yours was something so similar to himself, yet unique. You were seeking the same thing that he was, that is to feel something. He felt sadness, and loneliness, and he never had a purpose in life. You, someone who had it all, a good family, a great marksheet, and a pre set goal in life, were willing to give it away, just to feel something. He, someone who was stripped off of a normal childhood, was never given the opportunity to choose. He used to think that maybe he was to blame. Maybe if he had had better luck, he would have gotten a good childhood, a purpose. But now that he knows you, a genius, smart person, who had it all, but threw it away, he realized that maybe life really is worthless. Maybe, he wasn't to be blamed. And that, oddly enough, made him feel better. To know that no matter how much lady luck favors him, life would still be fucked up, and that it wasn't his fault, made him hate himself less.

• And so, you two became a thing.

• Let's just say, that both of you are equally freaky.

• You want him to dom u, and he gladly accepts

• You guys try it all... I mean, especially with guns.

• I can imagine you both sitting at a boring meeting, when you decide to edge him on, and you're not even touching him. Your gun is.

• You both claim atleast one spare room on every floor of the building, for your.... activities.

• You are like his praise queen.

• He loves that.

• Always rough. Always. And you guys are into spicing it up.

• Anyways, you both never decide to commit double suicide.

• Thats because dazai wants a beautiful way out, while you want to feel the thrill of facing death. You don't really want to die, you just want to know the feeling of almost dying. You want to feel something exhilarating.

• When Dazai decides to leave the mafia, you are all for it. As long as you get to stay by his side, you were ok with it.

• Like Midari, you are a very perceptive person, and can easily guess what's going on in someone's mind. Dazai was easy to read for you, as his thoughts were pretty similar to your own.

• You were smart, cunning, and could read peoples mind with ease. So it was pretty easy for you to guess what's going on in Dazai's mind, sometimes even predicting his next moves.

• You really fit in with the ada, coz that place is filled with crackheads, and you and dazai are no exception lol

• Also, you get along with Yosano really well.

• Like, if you weren't so loyal to dazai, you would have become Yosanos slave. So would i ngl

• Anyways, you and dazai always mess with kunikida. You two prank him till the breaking point. You two are such a menace in the office. Always skipping work, slacking off, but really shining when it comes to actual detective work, like solving mysteries.

• You are a valuable asset to the ada, coz 1. You are smart and 2. You can intimidate the enemy into giving in, thanks to your sadistic games.

• You are also a very good companion. You can easily understand what the other is feeling, and end up comforting the gang.

• I can imagine you roasting Kunikida for being such a nerd, but at the same time giving him accurate and well needed advice .

• You do the same for your bf, and the two of you have many late night convos about topic that Dazai had never discussed with anyone before. Because no one had quite understood him the way you did.

• Midari is actually a pretty deep character, and just like her, you have many layers. There's the sadistic side, the goofy side, the careless side, the intelligent side and the insightful nature.

• You would be his perfect partner, as you'd support his crazy, reckless ideas, but at the same time keep him afloat, and prevent him from drowning in his own thoughts.

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questionablygourmet · 4 years ago

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can you write about how hannibal manipulated jack throughout season 1 and 2. like episode by episode. or not if it's too much bother.

oh BOY can I EVER :)

Episode by episode is probably a bit much because the individual instances mostly fall into a couple of categories (and uh, there are a lot of individual instances), but let’s hit the highlights!

Season 1 is basically, 1) cozy up to Jack, 2) whip Jack into a frenzy about the Ripper (since it’s convenient, and he has reputation to defend), 3) point Jack’s suspicions at Will.

Cozying up to Jack is actually quite easy: Hannibal is a highly respected professional who carries himself with all the markers of success, but crucially, easily (and, I think, naturally) side-steps any attitudes or behaviors that would make Jack see him as either an adversary or subordinate. He offers his opinion when asked for it, but without any (apparent) agenda; he avoids both overt disagreement and deference. (Contrast to Alana, who regularly expresses direct opinions about what actions Jack should or shouldn’t take and regularly gets ignored and dismissed. I don’t think this is out of any particular disrespect toward her; Jack doesn’t respond well to challenges to his authority from anyone.) A couple of friendly dinner invitations and they’re off to a fine start, Hannibal having established himself as a friendly peer toward a man who clearly doesn’t have very many of those.

I think it speaks to how successful this early establishment of himself as a friend is that Jack doesn’t ever express anything negative toward Hannibal about seeing Bella as a patient (initially without Jack’s knowledge) once he finds out about Bella’s cancer, though perhaps that’s more a matter of how Hannibal handles it when Jack shows up at his office looking for her: there, he defers to Jack there when strictly speaking, professionally, he probably shouldn’t.

Anyway, Hannibal maintains this position as Jack’s apparent friend and ally both professionally and personally. He tells Jack what he wants to hear when his professional advice is sought, and makes himself available as a confidant outside the professional sphere.

Meanwhile, he makes ample use of his trusted position when Abel Gideon brings the question of the Chesapeake Ripper back into the foreground. He gets to hear all about where they are on the case from Will AND Jack AND Chilton AND Alana; he gets to tag along on their “Ripper” bust in Sorbet, and then he starts messing with Jack directly, via the phone call and Miriam Lass’s severed arm. He had to have already been planning on framing Chilton, given how primed Miriam is to implicate him in season 2 (and meanwhile, he’s encouraging Chilton’s worst tendencies with respect to Gideon, probably both to up the drama factor and help sell the idea of his guilt).

But meanwhile, Will’s getting dangerously close to the truth and isn’t amenable to being convinced to leave the field work behind, so as s1 draws to a close, he makes a point of sharing his “concerns” about Will with Jack repeatedly. Always apparently reluctantly - the image he’s selling is that he’s genuinely sympathetic and benevolent toward Will, but ultimately loyal to Jack (and by extension, The Law). That reluctance - and his subsequent advocacy for Will in s2a - is a significant part of his deception.

There’s one more specific thing in s2, before we get to the point where at first he’s trying to keep treading water where Jack’s concerned, and then where the jig is essentially up, and that’s when he prevents Bella’s suicide by intervening when she shows up to her appointment after overdosing on morphine. I think the coin flip there is genuine; he has good (well, “good.” logical-per-Hannibal-Lecter-logic, anyway) reasons on a personal level to both let her die according to her own choice and to prevent it. On a practical level, it’s hard to predict what her death at that time might mean regarding its effect on Jack; there’s equally valid arguments for it being beneficial to let her die or to prevent it. When he makes his choice, though, he milks it for all it’s worth - “It wasn’t what I could do for Bella, it was what I couldn’t do to you.”

After that it’s a (relatively) straightforward trajectory. Jack’s trust in Hannibal is inevitably shaken by just a few too many people pointing in the same direction about the Ripper. Beverly is killed by the Ripper after she’s been repeatedly consulting with Will. Will correctly calls out Hannibal’s dinner party right before Hannibal himself announces it. Chilton relays Gideon’s revelations about the s1 events in Hannibal’s dining room to Jack (even though Gideon refuses to re-confirm what he was recorded saying to Will). Hannibal plays for sympathy whenever he gets the chance after Matthew Brown nearly kills him, and then uses Alana as an alibi, but by mid-s2, Jack is too wary for these attempts to really regain ground.

There’s a bit in the Su-Zakana script, where Jack and Will are having dinner at Hannibal’s (the trout they’re shown fishing for at the beginning of the episode), that makes me think maybe at the fishing scene Jack isn’t 100% sold on Hannibal being the Ripper, still, but can’t ignore Will anymore and wants to see where it might go:

Hannibal, meanwhile, is trying to re-cement the idea of solidarity and friendship between them, as Chilton has recently been fingered as the Ripper (and subsequently shot) by Miriam. This is part and parcel to how he behaves with Jack from here on out, trying to slip back into the easy position of their relationship in s1, but largely failing at it on account of Jack’s suspicion, and the fact that Hannibal is now too invested (and embroiled) in going down the rabbit hole of his relationship with Will.

#i had to #hannibal #jack crawford #hannibal lecter #hannibal meta #my meta #meta #season 1 #season 2 #replies #Anonymous

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dwellordream · 3 years ago

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“…When the two lovers meet after Parliament's decision, Criseyde offers Troilus the opportunity to "ravish her" as her uncle has suggested. She begs for his aid, crying "Help, Troilus!" (IV, 1150) and falling into a dead faint. For once, she wishes that another would take control and make decisions for her. Not realizing that Troilus has relapsed into an impotent, emasculated state, Criseyde expects him to interpret successfully her intent and to act boldly in order to rescue her from her terrible plight. Troilus, however, is no longer the valiant, empathetic young man transformed by Criseyde's love; consequently, he fails to play the role of the manly hero. He does not seize this moment to carry the maiden off; instead, he convinces himself that she has died and poetically beseeches the heavens to hasten his own demise (IV, 1191-1211).

His behavior contrasts greatly with Criseyde's when he had fainted. She roused herself to action, doing all in her power to revive her lover, who, like Criseyde in this later scene, seemed at the precipice of death. Criseyde begins to argue eloquently upon the advantages of biding her time behind enemy lines only after she awakes to discover that Troilus has not heeded her cry for help. A careful reader would recognize, how ever, that she still yearns for her lover to prevent the exchange, for she interrupts her own argument to assure Troilus "what so ye me comaunde,/ That wol I don, for that is no demaunde" (IV, 1294-95). In arguing in favor of removing to the Greek camp, Criseyde tests the extent of Troilus's affection. …Criseyde thought that surely a man willing to slay himself for her would be willing to risk ruining his reputation for her love, but Troilus finds himself incapable of performing such a heroic feat.

When Troilus fails to make even the slightest attempt to rescue his ill fated lover, Criseyde realizes that she must bring about her own salvation. As she spins out her plan, she gains more confidence in her abilities to effect her own rescue. Sheltered within the walls of Troy, Criseyde knows little of the true horrors of war, only what she has gleaned from gossip and from the books that she has read in her cloistered garden. Her overconfidence stems both from her ignorance concerning the actual situation facing her nation and from her earlier successes in effecting her will.

In contrast, Troilus has been out in the trenches, and he should recognize the implausibility of Criseyde's plan of action. His attempts to dissuade her, however, seem half-hearted at best. Indeed, he feels relieved that she seems to exonerate him from taking any rash action, for such a view accords with his own and enables him to rationalize his impotence as simply a chivalric attempt to uphold his lady's desire: This Troilus, with herte and erys spradde,/Herde al this thyng devysen to and fro,/And verrayliche him semed that he hadde The selve wit. . . (IV, 1422-25) Although Troilus finally does argue with Criseyde that they should elope (IV, 1503), he does so only to determine the extent of her loyalty, for he beseeches her "That of hire heste he myghte her trewe fynde" (IV, 1439).

For nine stanzas he dwells on his potential desolation should Criseyde forsake him and displays little concern as to whether she might suffer from the trade as well (IV, 1436-98). He does not want Criseyde to abandon her plans but only to assure him that she will remain stead fast in her love for the Trojan prince. Troilus now behaves like Percival's maid, arguing against his lover's bold plan only to make her more resolved to carry it out. He succeeds, for Criseyde dismisses his worries, assuring him that she can achieve all that she has set out to accomplish. Thinking of the state of her city that "hath now swich nede / Of help" (IV, 1558-59), she chides Troilus for wanting to abandon his home, reminding him that he plays a vital role in his city's defense.

Concern for his city, however, does not motivate Troilus in his insistence that he and Criseyde run off; rather, his hesitancy to allow her to leave stems from his hitherto unwarranted fear that Criseyde will prove untrue. After Criseyde's eloquent argument, which included an impassioned declaration that she would remain constant in her love (IV, 1527-54), Troilus still asks her to leave with him: "But for the love of God, if it be may,/So late us stelen priveliche away;/For evere in oon, as for to lyve in reste,/Myn herte seyth that it wol be the beste." (IV, 1600-1604)

After listening to this plea, Criseyde finally experiences an awakening, realizing that her lover does not hold the values that she herself cherishes. She recognizes his plea stems only from jealousy and not from any noble concern for her or for their country's grave situation. Sighing with exasperation, she once again defends herself against the charge of infidelity: "I se wel now that ye mystrusten me, For by youre wordes it is wel yseene./Now for the love of Cinthia the sheene, Mistrust me nought thus ca?seles, for routhe,/Syn to be trewe I have yow plight my trouthe." (IV, 1606-10)

Criseyde now recognizes that Troilus, who had shunned jealousy during his earlier blissful state (III, 1805-6), has relapsed into a suspicious suitor, one who holds little faith in his love's sincerity. He has forgotten that the last time he questioned Criseyde's trustworthiness he nearly lost her favor (III, 1054-85). Troilus's hypocrisy at Criseyde's departure serves only to alienate her further and to make her resolve to return to Troy begin to evaporate. The Trojan prince not only refuses to heed Pandarus's advice and openly declare his love; he also feigns joy at the arrival of Antenor (V, 77). Even if he believed that openly expressing his love for Criseyde would imperil her, he need not seem joyous concerning the exchange. Criseyde does not mask her emotions so easily but instead weeps piteously as Diomede leads her away (V, 82). She feels distraught not only because she must leave Troilus and Troy but also because she now recognizes that she has misread her lover's nature.

Troilus's behavior undercuts the narrator's contention that the young prince refuses to act only because he fears some harm may befall Criseyde: But why he nolde don so fel a dede,/That shal I seyn, and whi hym liste it spare:/He hadde in herte alweyes a manere drede/Lest that Criseyde, in rumour of this fare,/Sholde han ben slayn; lo, this was al his care./And ellis, certeyn, as I seyde yore,/He hadde it don, wi thou ten wordes more.(V, 50-56) These assurances concerning Troilus's desire to behave valiantly seem to reflect anxiety on the part of the narrator, who suspects, perhaps, that he recounts not the tale of a hero but of a coward.

W. A. Davenport believes Troilus's poetic apostrophes to his lost love as he waits for her in Troy indicate that the young prince's despair is primarily a pose. Troilus's letters also reveal that he continues to play a role. These solipsistic missives to Criseyde seal his fate, for they leave no question that Troilus remains a courtly lover. He does not consider the needs of his auditor, for instead of tender, solicitous queries concerning the hardships she must have endured, he stresses his own affliction. Cox comments that "Troilus sings of his woe with little regard for Criseyde, . . . and his letter, . . . full of fin’amors platitudes, blames her for going to the Greeks."

As in Book I, where he allowed his misery to paralyze him, Troilus has succeeded in making himself overwrought. It is as if the communion he experienced with Criseyde in Book III never occurred, for the Trojan prince once again acts like the lovelorn suitor of a lady he scarcely knows, whom he can address only in the most artificial, contrived manner. Troilus pens his letter ostensibly to convince Criseyde to return to Troy. Such a demand, however, is absurd, and he knows it. He, who remained completely passive while the Trojans forced his love to leave, now expects Criseyde to risk her life by rushing across the battlefield to return to him. Even if she succeeded in reaching Troy, Troilus knows his father would send her back to the Greeks.

Troilus does not really expect Criseyde to reunite with him; rather, he expects her to behave like a proper lady and die for her love. One can speculate that he wants her to act like the nondescript tragic heroines in the Legend of Good Women, to pine away like Ariadne or to commit suicide like Dido. Such behavior would prove a fitting end for the object of Troilus's desire, enabling him to compose tragic lays about the death of his beautiful, beloved dame. Criseyde sees through Troilus's importunate letter, and, instead of playing the expected role of the bereft lady, she assumes the role of a courtly lover herself. As Davis notes, "when his [Troilus's] thou becomes an it, it rightly opts out." Criseyde might have risked her life or wasted away for the valiant Troilus of Book III, but she deems this poseur unworthy of such deep, abiding affection.

John McKinnell contrasts the structure of Criseyde's letter to Troilus's, noting that her epistle flows eloquently and follows the rules of artes dictamen. Criseyde's controlled prose reflects her nature; she will determine her own actions and certainly will not be dictated to by a man whose own convoluted letter displays an utter lack of composure or self-discipline. The time for impulsive behavior on the part of Troilus has passed. He should have displayed such passion when Criseyde was taken from him; he should have acted rashly when such behavior would have proved effective. Now his raving falls on deaf ears, and his former lover tersely retorts "Nor other thyng nys in youre remembraunce, / As thynketh me, but only youre plesaunce" (V, 1607-8).

In abandoning Troilus and accepting Diomede's suit, Criseyde behaves like a male lover jilting a woman with whom he has grown weary. Criseyde knows that men behave in this manner, for prior to accepting Troilus's advances, she complains about the faithlessness of men: "ek men ben so un trewe,/That right anon as cessed is hire lest,/So cesseth love, and forth to love a newe./But harm ydoon is doon, whoso it rewe:,For though thise men for love hem first torende,/Ful sharp bygynnyng breketh ofte at ende."(II, 786-91) Criseyde follows the consummate courtly lover's, Pandarus's, advice to Troilus, an act that leaves both uncle and lover astounded. Her behavior provokes Pandarus's violent exclamation "I hate, ywis, Cryseyde; / And, God woot, I wol hate hire evermore!" (V, 1732-33), as well as his wish that she will die soon, a desire to which Troilus, by not gainsaying, seems to give his silent assent.

Criseyde's unconventional behavior confounds the narrator as well. He cannot quite grasp why she gives Diomede Troilus's brooch, for instance, despairing that there "was litel nede" for such a deed (V, 1040). The narrator cannot admit that Troilus deserves to be abandoned by Criseyde, for to do so would be to recognize that he has recounted the story of a dithering, self-consumed man. By giving Diomede her brooch, Criseyde sends Troilus a clear message that no matter how much he rants and raves she no longer will accommodate his desires. She lets him know that not only does she refuse to return to Troy; she also refuses to waste away for love of him. Criseyde never wanted to involve herself in an affair constrained by the rules of courtly love, and she takes up with a new lover, who, like her, eschews such conventions.

Diomede's desire for Criseyde does not emasculate him, and he never complains of her cruel heart or hints that she causes him great pain. Instead, he treats her as his equal, engaging her in an intellectual conversation concerning the siege and seeking her opinion about the war: He gan first fallen of the werre in speche Bitwixe hem and the folk of Troie town;/And of th'assege he gan hire ek biseche To telle hym what was hire opynyoun. (V, 855-58) Diomede understands Criseyde's nature, for he recognizes that she is a woman interested in much more than silly love games. Instead of harping about himself, as Troilus tends to do, Diomede at least feigns empathy for Criseyde's plight, telling her he has noticed her sorrow and wondering if she laments a lost love (V, 871-82).

His concern indeed may be motivated merely by lust, but compared to Troilus's self pitying posturing, it strikes the Trojan beauty as a welcome change. In Criseyde's estimation, Diomede now seems much closer to the ideal she seeks than the Trojan prince, for Diomede pretends at least to admire both her beauty and her intellect. Indeed, Chaucer hints that Diomede may prove a much better match for feisty Criseyde than the young, oversensitive prince. The poet reveals that the Greek warrior and the Trojan beauty share the same pragmatic philosophy. Determined to court Criseyde, Diomede reminds himself that "he that naught n'asaieth naught n'acheveth" (V, 784). His words echo Criseyde's own, who, while contemplating Troilus's suit, mused that "'He which that nothing undertaketh, / Nothyng n'acheveth, be hym looth or deere'" (II, 807-8). Troilus, significantly, does not subscribe to this self-sufficient view.

Readers should not scorn Criseyde for turning toward Diomede. After being so bitterly disappointed in Troilus, who proved himself incapable of transcending the conventional, Criseyde continues to believe in the possibility of attaining the ideal in love. She may not remain loyal to a man who has failed her, but she does remain loyal to the notion of a healthy, wholesome love, a love based on mutual desire and a meeting of minds. Her passion for Troilus has changed her; she does not revert back to the cynical young widow of Book II, who regarded love as little more than a trap set by men. For one fleeting moment, Criseyde found her affair with Troilus liberating, because it enabled her to express and to sate finally her own desires. She embarks on a relationship with Diomede yearning to recapture the bliss that she once felt with her Trojan prince. Diomede, she hopes, will prove a more worthy recipient of her stalwart heart.

Troilus also finds himself altered by his love affair with Criseyde, but his transformation occurs only after his death. His demise releases him from the courtly love conventions that he found impossible to escape while on earth. In Reading Lolita in Tehran, Azar Nafisi describes the metamorphosis that occurs when her female students remove their mandatory black robes in the sanctuary of their professor's apartment. Freed from these black garbs, symbols of the repressive Iranian regime, they indulge in the luxury of laughter. Upon his death, Troilus finds himself similarly released from the strictures of his society. He can now shed his pose as a courtly lover, and, looking at the world from his heavenly perch, he too can laugh, both at his weakness in constantly allowing the values of the majority to dictate his actions and at the temerity of the woman he once loved, who refused to do so.”

- Mary Behrman, “Heroic Criseyde.”

#troilus and criseyde #geoffrey chaucer #medieval literature #mary behrman #courtly love

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dragonrajafanfiction · 3 years ago

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Ghosts’ Journey: (Part 3) Swan Lake, Act 3

@rurifangirl By Request

When you return back to the basement room where Chime Gen was resting, you are carrying a breakfast tray. His eyes widen and his face pales.

You stare back at him with a neutral expression. You had changed out of your pajamas to a more simple house Kimono in peach and white. “I’m not leaving.”

Just minutes before, he had talked to you about how the King General awakened an evil spirit in his body named Ruri Kazama and had wielded that spirit to lure and kill young girls in the village where he grew up. Ruri Kazama failed to kill the King General and that villain made the evil spirit sleep, returning him to the weak Chime Gen so he couldn’t fight back. It was just a matter of time before the King found him again, and if you and he were together at that time, the evil spirit would awaken and kill you, just like those girls in the village. You had agreed to leave but now you were back with food.

He’s shaking terribly as you approach him with the tray, so you’ll doubt he’ll eat. The point of your stay was to act like a fool in love to lure the King General into a state of pure confidence so that he would attack openly, nakedly, and Caesar would spring a trap. But if the King General suspected that you were luring him into a trap and your love wasn’t sincere, he would back out and scheme against you.

Chime looked like a withered leaf, shrunken with despair. You could almost see into his mind. He was terrified. He was calling you a fool in his heart for falling for the King’s trap and you were going to die for your foolish love. He would never fully consent to something like what you and Caesar were planning. And you understood. You would have to convince him some other way to also act like a fool in love. You couldn’t openly state your plans from the start. You had to be discreet to allow Chime Gen to understand the truth of the matters and to play along.

You clear your throat a moment. “I wanted to talk about your brother for a bit.” You open a sachet of fine tea and pour the hot water over it. “I think you know I don’t like him very much. When I heard you talking about him, it hardly seemed like we met the same man. But you were talking about Chisei before he met Bondarev. The Chisei before Bondarev is the real Chisei. So I started to look for the signs of the real Chisei in my memory.” You pick up the tea cup and sip from it.

Chime was sitting as still as a stone, looking out the window.

“I remember… when we were in a desperate battle against deadpool. A fire was raging and sucking all the oxygen in the room. Explosives in the room were soon to go off. Chisei was so wounded he could barely stand up. He was tied with a strong rope by Caesar. But even in this near death state, he cut his wrist and soaked a shirt with his blood and threw it out into the fire so that Chu Zihang and Caesar could escape. But there was one more Deadpool waiting even after we thought we were safe. That deadpool impaled Chisei and hid behind his body.”

“Caesar didn’t want to kill Chisei. I didn’t want him to either. We were all going to die at that moment, but no one had the heart to do anything. But Chisei fell back against the gap in the wall created by the Deadpool and killed it in the elevator shaft as he fell. He didn’t expect that Caesar and Chu Zihang would grab the rope that bound him and save his life. He fully expected to give up his life for all of us.”

“At that moment, I agreed to meet with your brother over sake. I liked him then. I felt we were different but we had points in common. Until I met Chance. I didn’t realize it, but Chance was suicidal. He was at the end of his natural life as an unstable hybrid. But I spoke to him and told him not to give up his life. Chisei found us and Chance took my advice and pleaded for mercy even though Chisei had injured him. Chance said that he was going to get married in Hokkaido and he wanted to see the wedding.”

“I was shocked when Chisei conceded to this. He didn't want to kill Chance. When Chance saw that he was spared, he revealed that he had a purple vial of liquid that would turn him into a powerful Deadpool. But now Chance no longer wanted to cut his life short. When he threw the vial away, it broke and the drug was lost. But there was an assassin waiting for him. The assassin would have killed Chance! But Chisei protected him from death!”

“Chisei said he knew the assassin would be there because this had happened before with other Devils. Because this assassin was hidden in his own Hydra ranks, he said that he would personally secure Chance's safety if he left Tokyo that night.”

You quietly sip the tea and let that sink in. Of course, things didn’t work out that way. Chance’s time was up in that hour. He turned into a deadpool. He was never going to leave Tokyo due to not having enough time, but… in those precious minutes when he was alive, he pulled back the curtain and revealed the real Chisei. So you omit the ending and move on.

“Finally, when you ordered that we prevent Chisei from climbing the staircase up the Tokyo Tower, I did not agree. But because you wanted it, I would comply. Chisei immediately suspected me, but he didn’t attack me until I mentioned your name. But he wasn't interested in killing me. He wanted to interrogate me later.”

You turn to Chime who was not moving. “Listen to my next words, Chime. Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

Chime’s face was taut and every muscle was like a tightly wound bow. You weave your words like a dancer, painting the scene. “His eyes glowed like a Dragon King’s. He was at his most fierce, most merciless. I was the Devil. I had aligned myself with the Greatest Devil of all! If he could get to me, then I could lead him to you. So his blood was high when I called you, Chime Gen and not Ruri Kazama. But I couldn’t care less about Chisei. I despised him over Chance. I said… ‘Fine. Go die. Chime is the only one who cares about you anyway.’”

You pause, watching the glitter in Chime’s eyes, the wellspring bursting from his heart that had been locked up and buried so long, waiting for you to gather the keys and unlock the chains one by one. Under the tray table, you pinch your hands hard as you force yourself to watch Chime cry miserable tears of grief over all the lost time, the lost years, and the words never uttered. His whole body shook like his bones might dislocate out of their joints. You don’t move to him, or to touch him. He was inconsolable. Only Chisei could comfort him now.

Chime said he hated his brother sometimes. There was a fine line between hatred and intense admiration. He wanted to be like his brother but because he couldn’t, sometimes he wished he didn’t have a brother at all. But even that hatred was born out of love at its truest essence.

He cried for a long time, and you think he might cry like that forever. You’re exhausted from holding in your own emotions, but you couldn’t run to him. Not yet. You had to wait even if your throat hurt and your eyes stung and you thought you might end up as hollow as a burnt out tree by the end of it.

“Chisei… sees me as a demon… a devil. How can he accept me?” He finally growled to himself.

There was a warm towel on the tray and you offered it to him. It had been nearly thirty minutes. You feel rung out like a rag, but you have to keep going.

“Chisei would never cry like that in front of me, but that same wellspring of tears was enough to extinguish that Dragon King light in his eyes. Even though he attacked me as an Emperor hybrid, when I said those words, it was like he turned back into a lonely and sad man.”

You stand up gracefully and sit down on the bed. You lightly stroke his hair and look into his red puffy eyes. He’s looking at you with the eyes of a young boy who was lost. You lay the path before him, crumb by crumb. It would take a mind like Herzog to untwist that villain’s manipulation of Chime and Chisei and you were in a position to do it. “He misses you Chime…” You say, stroking his hair. “You should talk to him…”

You don’t break his gaze. Your goal is to be hypnotic. Even though you believed your words were true, you had to treat the truth like a fantasy and deception equal to that of Herzog’s lies. You had to make him believe that nothing would go wrong. It was all going to be perfect.

“But how? If he knows I’m here, he’ll rally the entire Hydra clan after me.”

You spoke with firm conviction. “He loves you.”

“But…”

You interrupt him. “He misses you. Talk to him. You’ll see it too.” You smile and lick your lips a bit to keep them from shaking. “Don’t give up on him.”

Chime fell again into silence. But his body and spirit seemed to have calmed quite a bit.

Bondarev and Herzog were not too quick to reveal their hands. Chime would have to commit to seeing his brother. Until then, you had to wait to reveal yours.

You only come back out onto the Takamagahara floor to remove the breakfast dishes. You leave Chime alone for the rest of the day. You don’t speak to Caesar or the others either. You spend time looking out the window at the view of Tokyo from the luxury suite that Ruri Kazama provided for you. This was truly a colorful cage you were locked up in. As you look, an idea starts to come to your mind, like a thread poking out of a woven sweater. The more you follow the thread, the more the image starts to come to mind, the plan. The trap.

You didn’t know what love was. But it seemed to you to be some sort of beautiful foolishness, like falling towards the ground but pretending that the ground didn’t exist and falling forever. There was a way to fall forever, that is, the fall into the bottomless pit of hell that was called Naraka. It sounded evil, but when you said you would spend hell together with Ruri Kazama at the end of the MC Romance contest, that was the only way to express yourself. Such dark words, perhaps that was you love? You didn’t know.

It wouldn’t be enough to be pretend to be ‘fools in love’. To make the trap truly irresistible, your love had to be at its peak, ripe for the King General’s axe. You sit on the king size, four poster bed for a long time, closing your eyes and letting the plan take shape in your head.

After a few hours, you sit up and go to the room with the big piano. It was also an entertainment room that had a full stereo system and voice activated assistant. You put on a pair of noise cancelling headphones and ask the voice activated home assistant in your room to play the full ballet of ‘Swan Lake’.

The sun over Tokyo went down and the city lights went up.

The Great Nightclub Takamagahara opened its doors and the patrons flooded in. Caesar, Chu Zihang and Lu Mingfei went to work, and you secretly sneak back into the basement room to check on Chime. He was as you left him, smoking his pipe and looking out the window.

“Have you decided?” You ask quietly.

He blows a thin stream of smoke. “Yes. Thank you.”

“Good!” Your heart lifts inside. “Then we must set the stage.” You walk in and tap your heel against the door to shut it.

“I want to know why you’re doing this. You don’t like my brother.” Chime’s face was half wrapped in night shadow.

“I like you.” You smile at him with playful eyes.

He lifts his eyes to you, blowing smoke from his nose like a dragon. “You like Ruri Kazama.”

“I like Chime.” You stride up to him and sit on the bed next to him. “I want to see Chime happy. Chime will not be happy without his brother. So I can’t leave anything up to chance. We must create the right conditions for you and your brother to meet.” You swing your legs under the bed like a little girl.

A light color came to Chime’s cheeks, heightening his boyish looks. “Go on.”

“When I lived in Black Swan Bay as a girl, we always heard Classical music. And I always listened to many different symphonies. But one of the symphonies I will always associate with the King General is Swan Lake. He’s a dramatic person, and Swan Lake is very dramatic. So it’s his favorite.”

You lean back on your hands to look into his eyes, full of girlish energy and confidence. “In the 3rd act, the prince mistakenly confesses his love to the wrong maiden. The Black Swan. As soon as he does, the white swan is doomed and the enemy of the prince appears. Extremely dramatic!”

You grin showing all your teeth. “If we act out that scene. We will draw out the King General. He won’t be able to help himself and he will arrive right on cue as the enemy of the prince! Caesar will spring the trap he has prepared for him.”

“What are you saying?” Chime asked slowly.

“The perfect conditions for the King General’s Trap and the Reunion of the Two Brothers are one and the same.” You press your two index fingers together. “A wedding!”

Chime’s eyes widened slightly. The pipe between his fingers suddenly dips in shock.

“How can Chisei ever harm you on your wedding day? He will not. He will not! He can’t. You’re a man in love! He won’t hurt you.” You breathe excitedly. “So you will invite Chisei to your grand wedding at the NightClub Takamagahara, the King General will come with all his hordes because he will be called by our foolish love at the peak of its ripeness. And when we say our vows and kiss, then…”

Chime’s eyes suddenly dimmed. “The woodblock.”

You nod.

“I’ll kill you.” His face was numb, locked into that terrible nightmarish vision of cutting your throat on your wedding day, your bright red blood staining your bright white dress.

Your eyes are sparking with intrigue and your smile is malicious. “It’s awful to think about it, isn't it? But the King General is awful. And this is … the most awful thing that could ever happen. But that’s the trap. You won’t kill me.”

Chime Gen looks at you like a man who has gone numb. He was holding his breath.

You raise one hand to his face, lightly stroking his soft cheek. “You said so yourself. I’m in love with the Evil Spirit you call Ruri Kazama… but it was also Ruri Kazama who made the promises to me. That so-called Devil was the one who loved me first. Ruri Kazama would never hurt me. Quite the opposite. He will protect me. I will be protected by you, the Evil Spirit, and your brother.”

You hold out your hand. It was ugly. The black veins stood out from your wrist and scales were glittering on your knuckles. Chime stared at it for a long time.

His hand was larger than yours but no less delicate. It wrapped around your hand. He ran his fingers over your scales, the veins. Not only did he have to win this to kill King General, he had to win this to save you from your condition. If he could get his brother to side with him, then he could plead for the serum injections that could save your life. He grips your hand, but this time the grip was firm, not painful.

Of course, there was even more to it than that. You’d thought about it for a long time. But those details would be discussed at a later date, after Herzog was dead. One step at a time after all. You watch him complete his examination of your fingers. Your voice is as quiet as you can make it. “Chime Gen… will you marry me?”

Chime Gen nodded once. “I will…”

Rapid footsteps are approaching the door and it swings open. Mingfei is gasping and leaning against it. “Bad news.”

He then looks between you and Chime and sees that you’re holding hands and blushes bright red, mouth wide open.

You and Chime quickly separate and avoid eye contact with each other. “Spit out the bad news and stop gaping like a fish!” You snap.

“I… I’m sorry! But it’s really important! Our cover has been blown! I don't know what happened, but our headshots appeared on the billboard outside! Even Ruri Kazama’s!"

You and Chime turn to look at each other.

The dance floor on the first floor is cold and empty. All the nightclubs are closing early these days, because the guests don't want to go home in the rain after a drink, no matter how much they like life under the city lights. Surprisingly, all the stores on this street were closed, leaving only the neon sign of Takamagahara Nightclub still on, its red and purple lights bouncing against the black background. Caesar stood on the sidewalk, scanning around. The water was soon above his ankles .

You join him under his umbrella.

You both looked up. Across the street, on top of the building, a giant advertising screen lit up, glowing blue, that glow reflecting on the flooded streets.

On the rose-colored background was Caesar's headshot, then Chu Zihang's, then Lu Mingfei's, next to their stage names, ages, heights, blood types, hobbies, showtimes and quirks, and the address of Takamagahara Nightclub. It advertised an upcoming big event at the club.

At the end was Ruri Kazama's headshot, obviously stolen, but even with a careless glance back, his eyes and smile still oozed deadly seduction. Of course, this was when he was still Ruri Kazama.

"How come there's no me?" Fingel lamented, "Are they looking down on newcomers?"

"It's a good thing you're not on the wanted list, big brother." Lu Mingfei sighed.

This is the biggest advertisement ever taken out in the male escort industry in Tokyo's history. At the moment, people in the sleepless Shinjuku district are pushing open the shades on their windows and scratching their heads in confusion. The street was illuminated in sections from the east side to the west side of Fuyutsuki, and hundreds of giant advertising screens lit up one by one, all playing this ad, like countless mirrors projecting on each other, filling the world with the faces of just these few people.

Chu Zihang wordlessly drew his sword out of its sheath and swung it in an arc, swinging away from the continuous rain. Fingal subconsciously shrinks to the side. He understands that this killer Chu Zihang will never idly draw his blade. He only draws his blade to kill someone, but there’s no one around?

"Soon this place will be a mountain of people, Lu Mingfei, take Fingel back to Takamagahara," Caesar said in a low voice. He tilts his head to you. "You are responsible for guarding the Chime Gen.”

You lift your head to the bright lights and, for some reason, your heart fills to the brim with joy at the sight of Ruri Kazama up in lights. Whoever took out this sign and blew your cover knew you were here. But did he know the grand event they were advertising?

The rain screen around you trembled, and a shockwave spread out, unfolding into an invisible field as Caesar unleashed the Scythe Itachi.

He stood in the middle of the street with you, pointing both guns east and west of the long street, and turned off the safety.

"What's going on? What's going on here?" Fingel had not yet regained his senses.

The hordes are already coming. You could hear the sound of thundering engines in the distance.

"It's almost like an army." Chu Zihang whispered.

"I can hear the roar of the engines, the scraping of tires against the ground, the manic heartbeat, the sound of guns being loaded ...... It is indeed an army." Caesar concentrated on the fragments of sound brought back by the Scythe.

You tilt your head into the rain. Ah, this was the secret between you and Chime! It was as if you had raised your God’s eye onto the world and fate was bending to your will. You prepared the feast and, like a shark smelling a tiny amount of blood in the water, the King General roared from the depths of this city. Let him come. Yes, bring the whole army.

A sudden gale blew ripples of standing water as black helicopters descended from the sky and locked on to you with snowy pools of light.

"From the Tokyo Police Department, or from Hydra?" Chu Zihang asked.

"Do you still need to ask? The Hydra family will never allow Chime to fall into the hands of the Tokyo Police Department. They will definitely arrive first. Besides, since when is the government so adept at sending out helicopters?" Caesar said.

Bright beams suddenly pierced through the raging storm, coming from all directions, and Caesar and Chu's faces were reflected in the silver of hundreds of headlights.

The wind howled low among the tall buildings, as if demons and devils were walking through the city, and Caesar looked down at your soft smile.

You look up at him, full of a secret joy.

“Are you responsible for this?”

You raise your eyebrows briefly. “Do you think the Hydra will send out such an overwhelming force for my sake only? No… the Hydra don’t want me. My face isn’t even up on the billboards. They are terrified of Chime.”

“Bondarev? Then.”

You sigh indifferently. “Oh… who knows…” You turn on your heel and walk back inside.

#Dragon Raja

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thelastyetfabolousmidwestmadman · 4 years ago

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Dark Side Of The Rising Sun Part 1

Yo what’s up!

After the success of my previous post, I’ve decided to bring a follow up where I talk about the many dysfunctions and issues facing Japan that I’ve learned in my research. Detective Conan often shows the criminal justice system of Japan in a positive light while in reality it has many issues due to the culture.

Now let me make this clear: Japan has many great things about itself that should never be ignored. However, these are real flaws that have or need to be addressed with many Japanese also recognizing them as problems.

Now I had to split this into parts as this is rather ungainly to put it all at once. If you have any questions please ask and I’ll do my best to answer them.

Suicide

Japan has one of the highest suicide rates in the world with about 15.2 deaths per 100,000 people.

This is due to many factors such as Suicide not being considered a sin as well as historical connotations of it being a honorable way to go.

It is also considered a act of revenge, apology, and protest.

It is mostly caused today by factors such as unemployment, alienation and intense social pressure.

Japanese society is overall tolerant of Suicide but this is changing in recent times.

Another factor is the need for acceptance over individuality.

People with mental illness are often discriminated against, stopping potential help.

Internet Suicide Clubs where anonymous people make/plan suicide pacts and commit group suicide are a major issue.

If you kill yourself via Shinkansen, your family will be fined heavily. It is also the cause of half of the train delays and referred to as a human incident.

Tall buildings have mandatory suicide fences to prevent people from jumping off. When they succeed, they take off their shoes before hand.

It is common for suicidal people to take insurance policies and wait a year or two to go through with it so their families would be okay.

Ikka Shinju or family suicides are when the entire family kills themselves together due to Asian views of the family. When the parents kill their children before themselves, this is called Muri-Shinju or murder suicides.

Oyaku Shinju or parent-child suicide are where a single parent kill their children along with themselves.

Drownings, overdoses, hangings, and jumping off places are the most common form of suicide.

Judiciary

Traditionally, the judge is hated more then the lawyer is in the west as the Judge is often viewed as a symbol of the Japanese nobility judging the common man.

If you are sent to trial, you are certain to be convicted regardless of innocence due to the countries 99% conviction rate. (Really makes Eri’s work more awesome and badass doesn’t it?)

The Japanese supreme court is one of the most conservative in the world, rarely ruling against issues that are blatantly unconstitutional and anti human rights. As a result, one of the more positive proposals for amendments of the Constitution is the creation of a separate Constitutional Court.

If you are sent to death row, you will never be told in advance when you are going to die.

Culturally, once arrested the person is automatically considered guilty.

Police are often reluctant to overturn convictions as they insist that only guilty are arrested and convicted.

The law when a child is considered criminally responsible is 14.

Judges are often pressured into making convictions as their careers are negatively affected by a not guilty verdict.

Prosecutors are given the choice not to pursue a case regardless of sufficient evidence.

Prisoners in Japan, while somewhat treated better then much of the world due to it’s focus on rehabilitation instead of punishment, have to follow strict military style regulations from minor things such as being forced to fold the bed, or to wash your face to more draconian measures such being beaten if you don’t march or sit the wrong way.

In turn, many have inadequate access to medical care as they don’t have many options for their healthcare.

It can take months or years before you are tried, meaning that a right to a speedy trial is completely nonexistent.

“Periods of reflection” where inmates are forced to be handcuffed, gagged and placed in solitary, are often not recorded by the warden.

Foreigners are forced to speak and write in Japanese.

Drug Use

It is considered vastly socially unacceptable to do narcotics in Japan.

Most drug addicts are even considered to be not human.

If a celebrity is caught doing drugs, his career is automatically fucked and he is blacklisted from the industry, as well as erased from current projects.

The most commonly sold drug is methamphetamine. This started after World War II due to Meth being legal for soldiers to consume in order to stay up late on petrol as well as from occupying Americans. After the was, it became a huge epidemic for 12 years.

Marijuana use has risen among youth. Despite it having little danger as well as medicinal uses, it is widely considered evil, with the law having no tolerance.

Overall, Japan has little drug use compared to the rest of the world due to the cultural taboo and strict laws. However, there are signs that it is being vastly under counted,

Most illicit drugs are imported from Taiwan and South Korea due to it being near impossible to grow it natively but it is becoming increasingly hard to do so.

Drugs overdoses are criminally under diagnosed.

Epidemics often occur due to low periods of economic growth and recessions. (Examples include the postwar period, the 70′s, and the Lost Decade after the Bubble Economy burst in 1989)

It is common for your family or doctor to call the police once you admit there is a problem. Then you are forced to take a urine sample and if it tests positive you are immediately arrested.

A lot of doctors open pharmacies to add to their income. As a result, many oversubscribe prescription drugs.

Hypocritically, Alcoholism is completely tolerated and not treated as a addiction due to alcohol being considering purifying in Shinto, a cure, and Japan having a intense drinking culture.

Child Abuse

For the most part, physical child abuse is considered a private issue and often ignored. While things are slowly getting better, Japan still has a long way to go. (Imagine if Kogoro did what he did to Conan in the west. Child services would be on him like a fly swatter.)

Child services often return the children to their parents even if they say their abusing them as the counseling centers need the parents to admit to their abuse.

It is a complete myth that Japan’s age of consent is 13. That is only the lowest one could set it. Most prefectures are set at 16 or higher. In turn, child molestation of those under 12 is heavily punished. However while vaginal rape of children is illegal, basically just about everything else as long as it’s statutory is basically alright.

Enjo Kosai or compensated dating is the practice of Teenage Girls to go on dates with older men in exchange for money and gifts. While not necessarily always leading to prostitution is treated as such and the girls are often blamed if they are hurt in the process.

Child sex trafficking of migrants is a serious issue and they are often treated as criminals and sent home without counseling.

Adoption of children is rare and frowned upon so many of them have to gro up in centers.

Children of unmarried couples are discriminated against due to the violation of the traditional Ie system and do not have the same protections or privileges of married couples because of its Koseki system.

Men are not obligated to pay child support and it’s near impossible to get them to legally as they can simply hide their finances by not telling them. Plus only one person can be named on the custody sheet.

Child Pornography was effectively decriminalized until 2014. No seriously.

Sexual Harassment/Assault

Domestic violence victims are disabused from coming forward due to the idea of bringing shame to their family.

Stalking cases are rarely taken seriously by the police

OH THERE”S WAY MORE BUT THIS LIST IS DARK ENOUGH SO LET”S SAVE THIS FOR A LATER DATE.

Working Conditions

Idols are heavily exploited and forced to follow strict rules such as having no social life, banned from having a boyfriend, etc. This is because they are supposed to sell a image of innocence and be there exclusively for their fans.

Anime creators are often forced to work long hours with little pay. This has resulted in a slump in the industry with very few new hires so they are forced to rely on the older animators whose health may fail sooner rather then later.

Funds are rarely given to films with artistic intent or that are political in nature, resulting the film industry suffering compared to the more internationally regarded South Korea.

Police Corruption

Until recently, Japanese police would work with organized crime to lower crime. The only reason they stopped was not out of concern for the everyday citizen but because they were embarrassed by the Yakuza when they began to show up more publically.

The media is often laughably compliant to the police, with they rarely offering a critical lens.

Police have undue influence on the Pachiko industry, with many retired officers being hired as muscle and for advice.

It is quite common for officers to embezzle from their slush funds.

In a effort to cover up crime, police often refuse to investigate mysterious or suspicious deaths, preferring to label them as accidents or suicide.

Police are often anti migrant and sexist to a fault.

It is neigh impossible to get a wiretap going due to rigid privacy laws.

Even the police can’t fire weapons as you need approval to even loose your gun so many officers have never fired a bullet.

Government Incompetence/Corruption

Voter Apathy is super high, with many elections having hilariously low turnout.

Many politicians have Yakuza connections, with the gang members serving as bodyguards and canvassing for votes.

Votes in the countryside are worth two compared to urban ones.

A lot of politicians are completely out of touch and constantly have to resign for gaffes (racism, sexism, historical revisionism, etc.)

Political acts are based on group consensus so it can take a long time to get meaningful reform done.

Criticism and debate is ironically frowned upon, with open criticism within a party being effectively banned.

Cronyism is common. While for the most part Japanese politics is based on expertise, many politicians are awarded ministries based on their support for the leader.

The NHK (Japanese version of the BBC) is largely neutral and free but the current Japanese government can dictate what it is to focus on temporarily.

Press Clubs are often given exclusive access to interviews and information from the government, so they get biased preferential treatment.

Okay I guess the point of this list is to bring attention to these issues and expand the opportunities of where to go when it comes to dark DC fanfiction. Don’t worry, here’s a cute Conan to make you smile!

#detective conan #shinran #ran mouri #Sato Miwako #Takagi Wataru #Mouri Kogoro #Eri Kisaki #drug mention #alcohlism #police corruption #political corruption #child abuse #suicidal #midnight thoughts #japan #conan edogawa

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huearmy · 4 years ago

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My definitive masterlist is here and I’m proud of it. I’ll keep it updated, but feel free to tell me if there’s anything missing or not working well :)

There’s a lot o Fluff and Angst here :D

Please don’t repost or translate my content without my permission :(

〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜

I’m part of Bangtan Shadow Family, check it out.

Alley Cat.

Pairing: dog!Namjoon x cat!Reader / hybrid!au / FLUFF / angst

Summary: “ You have been living in the streets since always, poor and free cat. Namjoon is a house dog who call his owners Mom and Dad. And you two love each other in all the purest and sincere love. You just believe he is the best thing ever happened to you, and all he dreams of is to protect you from the terrible things the stray life can bring. The solutions, for him, is obvious: you join his family.”

You Won Die.

Seokjin x Witch!reader / Fantasy

Summary: “Y/N is a witch dealing her on business, caring for her on life in her isolated shack, until during a storm when she saved a man named Seokjin, and moved by all the magic in her heart, she gived him the Bless of a Witch, changing both fates of them.”

Chapter I hiatus

Not My Friend.

cat!Yoongi x human!Reader / FLUFF, angst, slight smut. / One Shot

Summary: “Yoongi is a ordinary house cat hybrid with an ok life and a huge crush in his ower’s friend. Even if Y/N always treated him lovelly and as an equal he is all insecurities and thoughts of rejection about being a hybrid, without imagining that the feeling can be reciprocal.”

Clumsy

Soulmate!au Hoseok x Reader. Fluff, ANGST

Summary: “Of all the possible ways in which your connection with your soulmate could’ve manifests, such as birthmarks or dreams, you and your person share physical pain. It would be enough for the two of you to want to get to know each other soon, but the problem is that you are the most clumsy person Hoseok doesn’t know yet, and all he wants is to find you and protect you from the world.”

This is Soulmate Series. I’ll be doing one for each member.

Life is Beautiful

Vampire!au: Jimin x reader x Taehyung

Summary: “You are a glass half full person, your life motto is “Life is too short to… Insert something and anything here”. During your whole life you wanted something more, and even not knowing what it is, you put yourself to find out and get it, experiencing everything brilliant that the world offers - within the measure of what is safe, of course. The curious thing is that your way of living ended up rousing the interest of two vampires. One who sees beauty in everything and loves to exist, currently working with suicide prevention; and another one who no longer sees grace in things, in that boring immortality that never ends, and only complains about the Netflix catalog all the time.”

Chapter I II III {on going}

Life is Beautiful

Vampire!au: Jimin x reader x Taehyung

Chapter I II III {on going}

The Smell of Truth.

pitbull!Jungkook x human!Reader / fluff, angst, future smut maybe.

Summary: “After years being forced to fight in clandestine hybrid rings, Jungkook is now living in a shelter, but life remains bad, the place is abusive, and nobody seems to want adopt him. Until one night a pro-hybrid activist group invades the shelter, and a woman in black smelling like truth promises that things will get better, and he decides to follow her wherever she goes.”

Chapters: I II III IV V VI VII {on going}

If you want to be tagged to any of my stories, let me know. And don’t be shy on telling me something about my writing, no matter what. I am open to criticism, advice and corrections especially with grammar and vocabulary, since English is not my first language.

♡ AND this fanarts were made by my friend @minikolima, she is new on tumblr, give her some love. ♡

(♡´౪`♡)(♡´౪`♡)(♡´౪`♡)(♡´౪`♡)(♡´౪`♡)(♡´౪`♡)(♡´౪`♡)(♡´౪`♡)(♡´౪`♡)

Thank you.

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yamayuandadu · 4 years ago

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Japanese epidemic deities

The relatively recent social media phenomenon centered around amabie, and to a smaller degree around other uncanny figures associated with epidemics like the hakutaku, Zhong Kui and Tsuno Daishi, offers an interesting opportunity to look deeper into the world of disease-related folklore – the beings who bring such plagues, these who protect from it, and most curiously deities and spirits which fulfilled both these roles at once. Under the cut, you will find an explanation of the term “ekijin”, the history of epidemic deities, and short profiles of a few of the most significant ones.

A particularly significant term when it comes to historical Japanese disease-related beliefs is ekijin (疫神), or epidemic god. It refers to a peculiar class of deities which usually existed on the crossroads between Shinto and Buddhism, particularly significant between the Heian and Edo periods. Simply put, an ekijin is a dual purpose god who both protects the faithful for pestilence, and smites the wicked, or these who simply lack sufficient devotion, with painful punishments. Ōshima Tatehiko identified a number of traits common for ekijin: being depicted as a traveling deity, taking the form of an old man or a child (though more outlandish demonic forms are also known), and a dual function as deity of both illness and good fortune or longevity. Other researchers suggested different traits as hallmarks of an epidemic deity: Sujung Kim considers them to be an association with bulls and foreign origin, in addition to the aforementioned duality. However, individual entities which can be classified as ekijin often embodied either the protective or punishing aspect much more heavily than the other; the balance between them also varied through time. Also, it's debatable if every disease-related religious or folkloric figure is an ekijin. The yokai turned social media darling amabie, for example, arguably shouldn't be considered one of them.

It's difficult to pinpoint when did this concept first develop – archaeological research indicates that, for example, Gozu Tenno was already known in Japan during Nagaoka's brief role as a capital (784 to 794). Some scholars, like Michael Como, suggest that the concept of a wrathful disease deity emerged at the same time as a consolidation of the imperial court's power, and to a degree might've represented a fear of instability caused by local deities, which had to be placated with appropriate rites – otherwise not even the emperor would have been safe from their attacks. It's also worth noting that disease demons either reformed by Buddhist or Taoist heroes or answering to afterlife deities and either subduing other demons or administering punishments to mortals on their behalf were already a staple of Chinese folklore of the Tang era, which indicates the later ekijin might've been a synthesis of many separate traditions, both local and imported. The concept of ekijin was further popularized by Konjaku Monogatarishū (今昔物語集 - Anthology of Tales from the Past) – most of the stories contained in this anthology which describe dealing with diseases blame them on vengeful spirits, curses, and, of course, epidemic deities. Some of the most famous epidemic-related deities, most of whom can be considered ekijin, include:

Matara-jin (摩多羅神) – a mainstay of this blog, a god of removing obstacles turned god of fate turned god of noh turned god of rulership turned subject of heated academic debates. According to Tendai tradition, he appeared in front of Tendai's founder Ennin and informed him that if he can remove the obstacles to rebirth in Pure Land if the correct rites are performed, Matara-jin's ekijin function is tied to this role – as demons were seen as agents of disease, deities meant to repel the spiritual dangers, obstacles on the path to enlightenment, were also capable of repelling the much more corporeal ones. Simultaneously, the most effective means of repelling such calamities were simply their placated past causes – and many protective deities were presented as such. Matara-jin was venerated as an ekijin first and foremost through ox festivals (ushimatsuri), as depicted above. Matara-jin can be considered largely analogous to other similar deities, such as Shinra Myojin, which ties him directly with the next two figures which will be described here. It's also worth pointing out that Matara-jin likely developed from a number of elements originally associated with the Chinese afterlife deity Taizan Fukun, who according to some Tang and Song dynasty sources presided over disease deities, who in many Chinese folkloric accounts formed a part of the afterlife bureaucracy.

Gozu Tenno (牛頭天王) – a syncretic deity whose origin is at least in part shrouded in mystery, as stated above seemingly known in Japan since the 8th century. Korea has been often proposed as his point of origin, even though the myths pertaining to this figure tend to describe him as an Indian deity (often as a protector of the ancient Jetavana monastery in present day Uttar Pradesh) – he was however usually depicted in Chinese garb. Gozu Tenno's function as an epidemic deity likely developed from the association between him and sandalwood, prized in Buddhist text for its religious and medicinal usage. He was viewed as the Buddhist counterpart of Susano-o – however, he was simultaneously himself seen as a manifestation of Yakushi Nyorai, the “medicine Buddha”. This is one of the most prominent examples of ekijin existing on the crossroads between Japan's two most significant religions, as I stated earlier. This complex nature was the undoing of Gozu Tenno's worship – during the Meiji religious reforms, he was singled out as a deity unfit to remain worshiped due to evading easy classification, and most of his shrines were abolished or changed into ones dedicated exclusively to Susano-o alone.

Susano-o (スサノオ) – while today remembered mostly due to his classic mythological role in the tales contained in the Kojiki and Nihon Shoki, at least from the Kamakura period onward he was significant as part of a network of disease deities encompassing, among others, Shinra Myojin and Gozu Tenno; the latter was paired with Susano-o under the honji suijaku system of beliefs. Kyoto's famous Gion shrine, today dedicated to Susano-o, though formerly associated more with his Buddhist counterpart Gozu Tenno, also has a small subsidiary shrine called the Ekijin Shrine ( 疫神社), associated with Susano-o's role as an epidemic god. According to a myth associated with it, Susano-o informed a local inhabitant, Somin Shorai, how to save himself from disease to thank him for offering him shelter while he was traveling in the guide of a poor mortal; as Somin learned later, these who refused to help the disguised deity died from the epidemic he could protect himself from thanks to this advice (similar tales about Gozu Tenno existed as well). Curiously, the Gakuenji temple associated Susano-o with Matara-jin rather than Gozu Tenno. In art of the late Edo and early Meiji period Susano-o was sometimes portrayed as a sovereign ruling over various disease spirits and preventing them from harming humans, as seen on the images included here.

Tsuno Daishi (角大師) – a bizarre deified form of the celebrated Tendai monk Ryogen. Tsuno Daishi's dual nature as both a demonic entity ruling over legions of malevolent creatures and a reliable protector from outbreaks of disease was the result of a complex process which combined condemnation of Tendai and Shingon establishment by detractors within these Buddhist schools themselves and new Buddhist movements with a philosophy according to which even demonic entities could be used as means for salvation. Later legends claimed that Tsuno Daishi was a form Ryogen took to expel demons of disease from his own body, and artwork depicting him was produced and circulated commonly as a ward against disease. Curiously, while his appearance is sometimes assumed to be derived from the fearsome wisdom kings such as Fudo Myo-o, he's viewed as a manifestation of Kannon, and many ofuda depicting him reference this in some capacity up to this day.

Shoki (鍾馗) – the Japanese adaptation of the ever popular Chinese folk hero, Zhong Kui. According to the most famous version of the legend, he was a skilled physician who wanted to serve in the imperial palace, but despite his talents was denied the possibility to do so due to his ugly appearance, which lead him to committing suicide out of despair. He purportedly later showed himself to emperor Xuanzong in a dream, where he protected him from disease-causing demons, which granted him the position of a supernatural defender from disease and demonic incursions. According to some versions, the afterlife kings presiding over reincarnation appointed him to the position of a ruler and queller of supernatural entities because while he died in a way considered sinful, his talents were viewed as too valuable to waste. In Japan, he became popular in the Edo period, though earlier depictions do exist, like the one from the Extermination of Evil (辟邪絵) scroll from the late Heian period, seen above.

Hakutaku (白澤) – another guest from China. Known there under the name bai ze, this creature purportedly informed the Yellow Emperor that there are exactly 11520 kinds of supernatural creatures in the world, and explained how to subdue or placate each of them. The manual created in the wake of this event was considered, among other things, a medical treatise. In Japan, the hakutaku became a popular good luck charm in the early Edo period, and was said to ward off misfortune, dangers one could encounter while traveling, bad dreams and disease (especially cholera). While some online sources classify hakutaku as a yokai (in the rigid sense applying this term only to boogeymen, rather than anything strange or fortean like Shigeru Mizuki wanted) viewing it as a fortune or epidemic god seems to make more sense, and it's referred to as a deity for example by some art scholars. With time, hakutaku was largely conflated with or replaced by the baku, leading Lafcadio Hearn to viewing these two creatures as one and the same; the statue of a hakutaku protecting a certain temple is known as “king baku” for similar reasons today.

Daruma ( 達磨) - rather curiously, in the Edo period the honored Zen patriarch joined the ranks of ekijin – as noted by Bernard Faure, he specifically became a hōsōgami (疱瘡神), or smallpox god. This was likely entirely due to the fact he was depicted wearing red robes, as red was said to be a color which either repelled disease spirits or favored by them to such a degree that they would spare these dressed in red. Further reading:

Michael Como, Horses, Dragons, and Disease in Nara Japan

Bernard Faure, From Bodhidharma to Daruma: The Hidden Life of a Zen Patriarch

Richard Von Glahn, Sinister Way: The Divine and the Demonic In Chinese Religious Culture

Bettina Gramlich-Oka, The Body Economic: Japan's Cholera Epidemic of 1858 in Popular Discourse

Donald Harper, 'Hakutaku hi kai zu' (White Marsh Diagram to Repel Ominous Prodigies)

Sujung Kim, Transcending Locality, Creating Identity: Shinra Myojin, a Korean Deity in Japan

Christoph Kleine, Buddhist Monks as Healers in Early and Medieval Japan

Neil McMullin, On Placating the Gods and Pacifying the Populace: The Case of the Gion "Goryō" Cult

Haruko Wakabayashi, From Conqueror of Evil to Devil King: Ryogen and Notions of Ma in Medieval Japanese Buddhism

#japanese mythology #japanese folklore #buddhism #ekijin #history of japan

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vampiresuns · 4 years ago

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Nothing To Prove

♠ NOTHING TO PROVE ♠

1.4k words. The Lemione make a comeback after The Rising Tide. Set 5 years before the start of the game, Commodore Emmanuel Lemione, eldest brother of Anatole’s ex Decimo, has an encounter with the Pirate Queen and her Quartermaster.

Saoirse and Meredith belong to @apprenticealec. This fic was brought to you by the fact I cannot stop thinking about Saoirse.

Thank you, Dani, as always, for having created such a wonderful universe.

Being a Commodore, Emmanuel Lemione was the highest ranking officer in his ship. A ship he knew well enough had been sent on a suicide mission. The power-hungry Count apparently knew of a creature, Emmanuel did not know any better word for it, which travelled along with the Pirate Queen who had great power, power vaster than any of them could imagine.

Emmanuel did not think the idea had come from the Count. Not only did he not think him capable enough to know about this creature. Emmanuel only knew through stories of stories once lost, told to him by his Aunts when he was a child, having kept his eyes open enough to allow himself to wonder if they were real. He also couldn’t recognise the Count’s behaviour in the order, mysteriously cast upon his ship.

He was not surprised when his crew met terrible fates, nor was he surprised to see the weariness in their faces, the anger and discomfort when his brother Adeodatus, a Lieutenant Commander, now acting as Commander as Emmanuel’s had died in one of the crew’s misfortunes, edged them on. He was powered by their father’s last letter, where he told them that they achieved this conquest would be fundamental for the future of Vesuvia, and the elimination of piracy of the waters.

Adeodatus believed it, or rather, he had no problem enacting it, because he had no problem amassing power he did not understand to advance in life. Emmanuel, however, disagreed and the more he spent at sea, the more he did so. He didn’t like pirates, except for their romantic sense of adventure, but piracy was often solved by the elimination of poverty and other kinds of social measures which prevented people from turning to crime in order to secure their living, or their freedom.

He was absorbed in yet another discussion with Adeodatus, who thought he could ignore his orders simply because he was his brother, when the Pirate Queen and her Quartermaster found them.

“You can’t turn away and set course to Vesuvia, Emmie—”

“Unlike you, I would like to get back to my fiancé alive. If the legends are true—”

“Legends? What are legends and fairy tales to men—” Adeodatus threw himself into a tirade in the navigation room, Emmanuel’s own Quartermaster and one other officer there standing uncomfortably in the middle of the argument. His brother heed him warning by calling him by his title once, twice, but he did not shut up, until Emmanuel raised his voice.

“Lieutenant Commander. Shut up.”

“Oh, that’s mature Emmanuel, you know I’m—”

“It’s Commodore Lemione to you, and if I hear one more seditious idea from you, I will lock you up in your room for the rest of the way back.”

A crash was heard and the ship moved in a direction it was not being steered. The crew yelled and someone came to find Emmanuel, disconcert reading on their faces.

“Commodore, we here hit by something like a harpoon—”

Colour drenched out of Emmanuel’s face as he ran on deck, followed by his Quartermaster, who took out his spyglass along the way.

“Oh, heavens.”

“Sir,” said Rhys, the Quartermaster, “I think the Pirate Queen found us.”

Emmanuel felt his thoughts raise in his head, sighing with resignation at last. “We will talk to her. Show proof we are a Vesuvian ship, if my estimations are correct, she should let us go.”

“I hope the heavens hear you, Sir.”

“She’s friends with the Count.”

“What? Sir, I don’t think it’s the moment to joke.”

“I’m not joking, Rhys. She is friends with the Count.”

“But how?”

“He was a condottiero. How do you think I doubt the order to capture her ship came from the Count himself?”

His Quartermaster looked at him, confusion in his face before he reached the same conclusion Emmanuel had had on his own, but was still too afraid to voice. “If not the Count, then who? Do you—”

“Don’t say anything, I am not strong enough to say it yet...keep an eye on my brother.”

With a nod, the Quartermaster set himself to his purpose while Emmanuel instructed the crew. He told them he was aware they were tired, and unless they were provoked, he would not make them fight any more fights, tonight, they would set way to Vesuvia for good with their lives intact. Commanding them to wait, he set an advice about seditious words, anyone who did not value the lives of their crew more than personal glory, was no true Vesuvian.

“You may not believe it, but trust me by this, on my word and care for you, my friends and family away from our home: we are about to face something bigger than all of us, even if it doesn’t look like it.”

They waited, being tolled and Emmanuel prayed.

He remembered the stories: of a being so old and so vast it was confined to where no one could find them, because all demons and creatures which roam this earth were afraid of them. He remembered the legends of its freedom, and wild women who feared the sea under their protection. He remembered the stories and feared; anyone who had been at sea enough knew from the sea itself there were things they would never understand, things that would snap the spirit of those not strong enough to face them, and leave a lasting impression in those whose temperance allowed them to make decent sailors out of them. Storms bigger than what mother nature could herself create, beings with sharp teeth and forgotten humanity, and things they were all too unable to comprehend.

Upon meeting the Pirate Queen, Emmanuel realised one could look to her Quartermaster with no problem, directly in the eye, but there was something terror inducing about a hair as golden as the sunlight in High Noon when they turned their heads.

He could feel his brother recoil at the shade of blond in their hair, for reasons entirely different — or perhaps the same. He didn’t know, he didn’t care.

“We are a Vesuvian ship, which has been through many hardships as we were sent on a false trail by our superiors. Pirate Queen Meredith we mean you no harm.”

“Where are your colours?”

“Flaming there, over the quarterdeck. We cannot repair the pulley without sacrificing sail rope. If… if you need a token for our passing, I cannot offer you anything of my crew, but I can offer you this.”

Had he been a different man, his hand would’ve shaken when he took out a golden locket from underneath his shirt, taking it off. Finely made and glistening, Emmanuel opened it, taking some hair out of it — he took out a handkerchief to protect the hair, before trying to hand the locket to Meredith.

“It’s my fiancé’s,” he explained, not knowing why. “They’ll understand.”

His words fell flat as the ship was still searched. He ordered his crew to be helpful, and the ordeal would soon be over. As he looked over them, he felt someone or rather something stand besides him.

“Did anyone find anything?” Meredith asked

“Vesuvian ships never come this way,” Saoirse said, “that’s what I found.”

He cleared his throat. “We were sent on a mistaken path.”

“And none of you realised?” Meredith’s voice cut through, and the Quartermaster lost all interest in Emmanuel.

“No,” he lied.

“Your locket will do. There truly isn’t shit in this ship. Tell your Count to get better sailors.”

Emmanuel nodded, not intending to do any of the like, but glad they finally left so his ship could make its way back to Vesuvia, hopefully unharmed.

As they resumed their course, Emmanuel watched the Pirate ship sail way.

“My father will not be happy about this. You keep disappointing him.”

Emmanuel knew exactly what he was talking about — his fiancé, whom he had decided to marry despite his parents wishes, as other matches would be better, and he was left alone only when they realised he would marry them anyway, with or without their consent. Such a scandal, another son forswearing the family was too much for his parents, especially if it was someone with enough social cards as Emmanuel.

He ignored his brother, silently looking at the way in which the Pirate ship had gone until Adeodatus gave up and left. Only then he spoke. “I have nothing to prove to my father.”

#the arcana #the arcana oc #my writing #saoirse #meredith #dani's ocs #the lemione family #emmanuel lemione #this is one of the tolerable lemione but adeodatus is the one who gave nana his cut on the cheek #so we hate him

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firstlovesuggestions · 4 years ago

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Disclaimers, Rules, FAQ, and Resources

Hi everyone! Here’s the official one-stop post for this blog and how it runs. I’m excited to get things moving again after my long hiatus!

Disclaimers and rules are subject to change at any time~

The resources list is always expanding; if you have resources for help in the UK, Canada, Australia, or any other country, please message me so I can include them in the list. As of right now, I only have US resources.

Note: as of April 20, 2021 I am putting a temporary hold on answering advice asks. The inbox is still open for advice, but I’m just going through some personal things and need a little break, so I might not respond as soon as you like. Submissions will still be posted and my own suggestions will still be coming! Thank you~

Disclaimers

All suggestions are my own thoughts and feelings about my own partner and relationship. I have not, do not, and will not ever take another suggestion blog’s work as my own. Submissions from followers are tagged “submission” and I will never take credit for someone’s submission. If you think I am stealing another blog’s posts or there are any other sourcing issues, please message me directly.

I am a 22 year old cisgender bisexual woman in a relationship with a 25 year old cisgender straight man. As such, I may not always give the best or most fitting advice to others of different genders, sexualities, and ages, but I really do try my best.

Any advice I give is purely based on my own thoughts, opinions, and experiences. I try to be objective at the same time, but at the end of the day, I’m going to go with what I feel is the best answer for you. If you disagree with or are upset by my advice, please ignore it and move on. I can’t tell you what you want to hear just to make you feel better; that doesn’t help anyone.

I’m not responsible for the outcome of your situation if you choose to apply the advice I give. I’m a stranger on the internet you asked for help, not a fairy godmother. I can’t fix things for you, just give you my input. Please don’t blame me for things not working. I don’t like being harsh about this, but I just want to make this known and understood.

Rules

Homophobia, transphobia, racism, misogyny/misandry, and any other sort of discrimination is prohibited in your reblogs, replies, and tags. If I find anyone breaking this rule to any degree, you will be blocked on the spot, no questions asked. It’s 2021. You’re better than this.

If you find my advice or my suggestions to be problematic in any way, please message me directly and tell me why, so I know to correct myself and to delete the problematic post in question.

DD/LG blogs will be blocked immediately if I find any interaction with my posts whatsoever. This is not kinkshaming. This is me wanting no part of a community that sexualizes children.

No asks about family situations and relationships. These will be deleted, as I am not in any position to help with matters like these.

Asks about sex and sexual relationships are allowed, but please do not be overly graphic in your descriptions. Sex asks are reserved for those 18 or older**. I will tag all sex-related posts with “tw sex” for those who wish to avoid them.

I won’t post submissions about breakups, rejections, or any other sorrowful situations. I want this blog to be a happier place for people. I’m really sorry for this one, and I can still be here to support you if you want to direct message me.

If you have any questions about the rules, please send a message! I don’t want to discourage anyone from interacting with this blog.

** If you are a minor looking for resources relating to things like sexual assault or birth control, please see the resources below. If you have any other questions or situations you need resources for, please message me directly.

FAQ

This is a list of the topics asked very, very frequently and a quick answer to them. If I find your ask to be redundant and think it can be answered on this list, it will be deleted. This is not meant to ignore you; this is to keep ask traffic lower so that I can answer more people instead of repeating the same answer for one general topic.

“Would it be wrong of me to get revenge on [person] for [reason]?” - Yes. I don’t ever condone revenge for any reason when it comes to relationships. Don’t stoop to their level. Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing you’re angry/upset with them. The best way to say “fuck you” to someone is to cut them off and move on, because you’re taking away the power they held over you.

“I’m in an LDR and my partner isn’t reaponding to my texts like they used to.” - Communicate. LDRs have no room for not responding to texts and calls because that’s the only way you get to connect. If they still aren’t willing to talk after multiple attempts to discuss the issue(s) at hand, you can give them an ultimatum or just leave.

“How do I get my crush to notice me?” - Talk to them. If you’re wanting to get their attention, reach out to them.

“How can I start a conversation with my crush?” - Casually compliment them, find something in the environment to comment on or send them a meme “accidentally”. It’s not creepy to start a conversation, and it could lead to a new friendship or something more! Just don’t rush things.

“How do I impress my crush?” - Be yourself. Seriously. If you try to be anything other than you, or if you do things you usually never do or don’t like to do, it won’t end well. If you did manage to reel in your crush and start dating, it would be under false pretenses and likely wouldn’t last long.

“I confessed to my crush, but they rejected me.” - Accept their answer. No means no, no exceptions. The worst thing you could possibly do is keep trying to get them to say yes. If they offer to stay friends after they reject you, it’s your choice to keep them in your life or to move on.

“I have a crush on someone who is already in a monogamous relationship.” - There’s nothing wrong with having a crush. What matters is that you do not, under any circumstances, interfere with their relationship. It will hurt to see them with someone else, but if you love them, you should respect their choices and who/what brings them happiness.

“I have/my partner has a crush on someone else.” - If you’re dating casually, this isn’t super uncommon, but if it bothers you, say something. If you’re in a committed relationship, this could be an issue because one of you doesn’t have your heart fully in it. If you feel like you two have become distant or that the trust is broken, communicate and determine where to go from there.

“I have a crush on someone, but they’re [sexuality, gender].” - In the same way they respect your gender and sexuality, you need to respect theirs, too. If they express interest outside of their sexual orientation, you can be there to support them, but do not force things unless you want to push them away or break your bond with them.

If you feel your question isn’t answered here depite being related to something on the list, or you need more specific advice, please don’t hesitate to reach out after you have read this list thoroughly and completely!

Resources (USA)

Crisis text line: Text HELLO to 741741

Domestic abuse hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Sexual assault hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)

Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)

Substance abuse services (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-4357 (HELP)

Trevor Lifeline (LGBTQ mental health crisis hotline): 1-866-488-7386

Eating disorder helpline: (Call or Text) 1-800-931-2237, via NEDA

Dating issues/abuse: via loveisrespect.org

Birth control information: via Planned Parenthood

If anyone has resources for the UK, Canada, Australia, or any other country, please let me know. I want to only have the best and most reliable ones here, and it’s difficult to know which ones to include. Thank you in advance!

…………………

About Me

My main is @serenityfive! If reply to you in a post, that’s where I’ll be talking from. Same with if I follow you or I’m scrolling through and liking stuff on your blog. I like to pick a blog at random in the notes and look around since I’m trying to find people to follow despite tumblr being dead!

I started this blog in 2018 to express my feelings for a guy I had a massive crush on who eventually became my boyfriend. We have been together for 2 and a half years now and are living happily in Colorado! My side of our story can be found here 💕

So, a little bit more about me... I’m 22, I like cooking, gaming, cats, nature, and I have a strong interest in health and nutrition. I’m currently finishing my associate’s degree and want to obtain a certification in surgical technology!

I’m happy to make people smile with this blog; you guys are very fulfilling and kind, and I thank you! If anyone wants to chat, just hit me up~

With love,

Lily

#not a suggestion #rules #disclaimers #resources #about me

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fanfic-corner · 4 years ago

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Under 10,000 Words

16/12/20 - I can never figure out what my favourite length of fic is, but I think it depends on my mood. Sometimes I want a huge, 200,000 word journey, and sometimes I just want a quick drabble. Anyway, here are some fics which are all between 2,000 and 10,000 words, organised by the word count.

Sleep Deprivation by Honey_Honey on AO3. (2,313 words).

Tags: Cute, First Kiss.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: The one where killing monsters leaves Dean without a week of sleep, and Cas has to deal with the consequences.

Notes: This was so fluffy and cute and I can totally imagine Dean overthinking everything while Sam just finds the whole situation hilarious.

That One Time Sam Winchester Googled Something Weird and It Had Pretty Awesome Results by quitepossiblyjanuary on AO3. (2,587 words).

Tags: Romantic Fluff, First Kiss, Stars, Humor, Courtship, Short & Sweet.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: In which Sam Googles something and his curiosity doesn’t kill the cat. Or him. Or anyone. It’s a pretty awesome feeling.

Notes: This was so adorable! Gabe was so sweet, and his mind reading skills made me laugh.

What Can’t Be Seen by destieldrabblesdaily on AO3. (2,639 words).

Tags: Soulmate AU, author!Cas, Strangers to Lovers, First Kiss.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Written for this prompt: Soulmate AU where you first see color after eye contact: Cas is a famous best selling author and he’s promoting his book, so he’s talking to a crowd of people and suddenly his world is in color, and a lot of his fans pretend to be his soulmate. A Cinderella type situation ensues.

Notes: This was really cute and such a sweet and funny idea.

The Tea is Decaf by mnwood on AO3. (3,673 words).

Tags: POV Castiel, Fluff, Sign Language, Castiel in the Bunker, Canon Compliant, Sharing Clothes, Asexual Castiel, Gentle Dean, Non-Explicit Sex, Domestic, Established Relationship.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Based on this text post from thebloggerbloggerfun: “Listen, imagine Eileen sneaking out of Sam’s room at night to go to the bathroom or something and steps out into the hallway in one of Sam’s shirts only to see Cas trying to quietly leave Dean’s room while wearing one of Dean’s shirts and they both just stare at each other awkwardly for a few seconds before trying to muffle quiet laughter and now they have a late night club where they talk about life and gossip about the Winchesters in sign language"And this anon I received: "what if Eileen and Cas discover there are some things Sam and Dean both do in bed because Dean jokingly gave Sam pointers when they were younger and Sam took the advice”.

Notes: This has to be one of my favourite fics of all time, even though the first time I read it I hadn’t even met Eileen yet! I’m still so pissed off that she wasn’t in the finale (unless we’re counting Blurry Wife?).

surely heaven wants for you by cenotaphy on AO3. (3,782 words).

Tags: Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Heaven, Coda, Post-Finale, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean, Outdoor Sex.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Cas doesn't come to him. Dean can't really argue with that, given the circumstances. In all the history of balls in courts, he thinks there might never have been a ball as thoroughly in a court as this one is in his. He drives for what feels like a long time but might just be a single sunny afternoon, or maybe years (time's funny here, Bobby had said), just enjoying the music, the shifting landscape outside his window, the hum and creak of the engine. Finally the forest opens up and the road narrows down in a way that he's fairly certain wouldn't typically happen on any kind of earthly interstate, and he glides the car to a halt at the edge of a lake.

Notes: This was so beautiful and such a interesting exploration of Dean’s feelings!

a quick salt and burn by xylodemon on AO3. (4,609 words).

Tags: Episode Related, Cemeteries, Case Fic.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: "Fuck," Dean mutters, wincing as pain throbs in his shoulder and neck. After the ghost chucked him into the hedge, he hit the ground like ton of bricks and clipped an exposed tree root so old it was practically petrified. "So much for a quick salt and burn."

Notes: This is adorable and hilarious, so a double win.

Funny Bone by PallasPerilous on AO3. (4,933 words).

Tags: Fluff and Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Skeletons, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Alternate Universe - No Angels, Canon Divergence, Mild Gore.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: It wasn’t even a particularly creepy skeleton; it was in kind of a “just chillin’” pose on the floor. One ankle was still locked up in a heavy iron cuff, at the end of a short chain leading back to the wall. Snoresville, as dead stuff goes; Dean’s seen worse at Disneyland. It was the skeleton’s comment about Dean’s ass that really livened things up.

Notes: This has to have been one of the funniest fics I have ever read, but oh boy did I feel bad for poor Cas.

Grace by july_19th_club on AO3. (5,164 words).

Tags: Fix-It, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Resurrection, Reciprocated Confession.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: A man dies. What happens next will shock you. [script]

Notes: This was written beautifully, and now I really want to see this filmed! So much better than the ending we got.

(un)conventional by imogenbynight on AO3. (6,100 words).

Tags: Alternate Universe, mechanic!Dean, Writer!Castiel, Conventions, Fluff.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Spec Lit Con--Speckly Con, to it’s regular attendees--is an annual weekend-long event held in Chicago, dedicated to science fiction, fantasy and otherwise speculative literature. This year Dean's favorite author, C.J. Novak, is appearing as a panelist. Naturally, he shells out the cash for an all access pass.

Notes: This was so adorable that I nearly screamed in the corridor outside my computer science lesson. Plus, the writing was absolutely gorgeous! I miss conventions :(

La Vie A Plus by K_K_TiBal on AO3. (6,260 words)

Tags: Punk Castiel, Asexual Castiel, College/Uni AU, Roommates, oh my god they were roommates, College Student Dean, College Student Castiel, Pining, First Kiss, Misunderstandings, Art Student Castiel, Love Confessions, Gabriel is a Little Shit, Tattooed Castiel.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester is hopelessly, head-over-heels in love with his best friend and roommate, Castiel. Castiel - with his blue hair, and his tattoos, and his artwork, and his perfect everything. Dean never stood a chance, really. It only sucks because, as far as Dean can tell, Castiel is definitely not interested. But love, much like art, has a way of being unpredictable. Even if you think you know where you’re going with it.

Notes: The angst is strong in this one! Again, I feel like many aces have had this conversation or that fear that people (allos, especially) may not want to be with them.

Event Horizon by Winglesss on AO3. (6,442 words).

Tags: Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Dean, Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Past Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Texting, Sharing a Bed, Happy Ending, Veteran Dean, Doctor Dean, Writer Castiel, Strangers.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Castiel couldn't have helped his sister. That's why being offered a chance to help somebody else dealing with suicidal thoughts he took it without hesitation. When he gets the first text from someone who needs his help, nothing goes as he expected.

Notes: I don’t know if that kind of suicide prevention scheme exists, but this fic is very sweet.

I Think That’s Mine by palominopup on AO3. (6,804 words).

Tags: Fluff, AU, Reporter!Dean, Writer!Cas.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: A mix up at the Atlanta Airport places Dean Winchester's laptop in someone else's possession. A series of calls and texts bring two men together.

Notes: This was so cute, Cas was so sweet, and Dean was an icon.

Nothing Equals the Splendor by RurouniHime on AO3. (7,865 words).

Tags: Fix-It, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Angst with a Happy Ending, Grief, Explicit Sexual Content, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Declarations of Love, Canon Compliant, Minor Injuries.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Maybe it’s the cynic in him. The hunter, always under the surface of any quietude he ever found. Or maybe it’s just that he has always had trouble with blind faith. But after a while (a blink? A decade? A century?), Dean raises his eyebrows, looks around, and says—

“Uh. No.”

It’s so close. Just so slightly imperfect. And maybe, he analyzes, maybe that’s the final knell of this bell called contentment. Dean’s experience with happiness has always been that last rise in the road, right before it turns. Right before fate comes barreling around the corner head on. He turns in his spot on the bridge, and suddenly Sam is like a cellophane film through which he can see the light streaming, and the taste of cheap beer on his tongue is much, much older a memory than it should be.

“Oh, you’re good,” he says, and means it.

Notes: What a great idea, and written so well! I always thought the show could have done so much more with djinns, but never mind.

In the House of the Rising Bun by imissmaeberry on AO3. (9,046 words).

Tags: Bakery and Coffee Shop, Baker Dean, Barista Sam, College Campus, Poet Castiel, Mutual Pining, Daddy Issues, Background Sam/Jess, Past Balthazar/Castiel.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester only has three rules concerning the cafe he and his brother Sam own, “House of the Rising Bun”.

1. Any and all opportunities to make a pun will be taken. 2. Free regular coffee with your student ID (If you want some of that fancy nonsense you gotta pay, sorry kids). 3. Anyone and everyone is always welcome.

Between Dean running the shop full-time and Sam helping out whenever he isn’t in class, there really isn’t a whole lot of time for romance for either of them. But that all changes when they gain a new regular - some writer from London - who may or may not have the bluest eyes Dean’s ever seen.

Notes: First of all, the puns were amazing and I am willing to fight people on that. Secondly, that was so sweet and funny I am afraid I might have to disappear under mysterious circumstances and open my own cafe…

I hope you enjoy these! I haven’t read any new fics for this list and even then there were way too many to put on one list, so expect a sequel at some point in the future!

#fic recs #destiel #sabriel #saileen #fanfics #supernatural #spn #spnfamily #10000 words #2000-10000

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my-darling-boy · 5 years ago

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I was supposed to post this on my birthday, but kept scrapping it cos I was nervous, so now I’m trying again and I’m not deleting this one :P So here it goes...

...I am a trans man. I’ve been on testosterone for 3 years.

I started HRT when I was 17 and changed over all my legal documents shortly after when I turned 18 and up until that point, it had been a very difficult road for me, namely with mental health. But since transitioning, it’s taken the weight of a lot of issues off my shoulders which had me stuck for years in a perpetually pessimistic and aggressive mindset. And now, well, I’m 21 and can safely say that old person is long gone!

I’ve always struggled to feel confident in myself, and I still do. Being proud of my homosexuality always came easy for me. Being trans however, wasn’t always so easy. But I was never inherently ashamed of it. In fact, when I came to the conclusion I was trans at 14, I felt happy. It was other people in my life who beat that excitement to the ground. My happiness quickly plummeted into a deep, suicidal depression. I lost all my friends. I was ostracised by what few allies I had. I was bullied and roped into believing so many lies about myself, objectified, sexualised, and made to feel nothing but ashamed and burdensome.

I can remember being cornered in a bathroom to prevent me from committing suicide at 15. I remember how my parents reacted, how my friends abandoned me, the bullying, and the endless nights of self harm and negativity. I was the ONLY out trans person in a school of over 2000 students, and was the only only trans person I knew for a long time.

And I know something that happened to me when I was very new to coming out tainted a lot of the good feelings I initially had about myself. I had been telling a trusted friend of mine how I didn’t know if a person could be with me because I was trans. And instead of reassuring me, she told me, “You’re right... I don’t know how anyone is ever going to love you.” And I hadn’t ever confronted that memory until today. I finally, after so many years, allowed myself to cry about the moment that had catalysed the stripping of my self confidence. I realised one horrible little memory among many had been hurting me today much more than I ever thought it had been.

...And I still live with the painful memory, as I’m sure many of you do too, that I had to go through the most crucial years of my coming out completely alone and afraid, struggling to be proud of someone everyone told me was nothing but an unlovable burden to society. Afraid if I seemed proud for just one moment, I would be abused. But I find that the older I get, the more miraculously I feel the strength to get back up or to not be struck down in the first place when I’m confronted by hatred and ignorance.

And I feel that, for me, one of the worst things I could do is to keep this part of me perpetually hidden, because I can’t imagine how many people following me are in desperate need of guidance or at least someone to talk to, to be told that they are worthy and loved. I know I have advice that I would love to give, and words to say to people who feel they need help, because it’s in my nature to always offer assistance if it’s asked of me or if I see someone hurt. It would still mean so much to me even if this message only reached 10 people, because that’s just 10 more people who have read they don’t have to feel like they’re going through things alone. I know to some people this might sound Basic but you honestly have no idea about the people who need to read posts like this.

Of course I know there are considerable times where it is still unsafe for me to come out, be it trans or gay, and there are times when I feel it’s irrelevant for me to mention it, or times when I feel I just don’t need to. But it isn’t about coming out as much as it is about purging the old fear I have that being proud of my identity is something I shouldn’t do.

I’m always saying sorry for the simplest things, terrified of being burdensome, and being trans hasn’t ever been exempt from that list of things I’ve been made to feel fear and shame for loving. But I’m a year older now. And I feel that checkpoint should begin with learning I should never have to apologise for being who I am, to feel confident in the pride I have always had in my trans identity and learn to not let others take that away from me like they had done in the past again and again. I’ve always found myself admiring people who can be comfortable in their entirety without apology. I would love to exist without feeling like I’ve disappointed someone who likes me or wants to be friends by revealing I’m trans, and even though that has happened to me countless times, I know if those people have a problem with my gender, I wouldn’t want those people in my life anyway. My worth is not determined by how negative people treat me.

I know it’s a long and difficult road sometimes, to learn to love yourself, but you should feel proud to be trans. And there might be people who try to twist that idea and scare you into thinking no one will ever love you. You might feel not that you‘re ashamed to be trans, but that you feel afraid no one will accept you as much as you accept yourself. You worry to be proud of your identity makes you undesirable or inconvenient. And I wish I would’ve had someone tell me when I was a kid that people only tell you that to break you and silence you.

So whoever is in a low place right now and needs to hear this, as I needed to hear so many birthdays before, birthdays I never thought I’d make it to:

There is NEVER any shame in feeling proud to be who you are. There are ALWAYS people who will love you and who will listen to you when you need help, and there is NO shame in feeling you need that help. Vulnerability does not equal weakness.

I know there is a time and a place for me to reveal I’m trans irl and there are questions I still have the right not to answer, but I don’t want to spend my life persistently afraid I will never find anyone, friend or lover, who will care about me. I want to have the same love for myself I have for everyone else.

So happy birthday to me, and to the 6 year old boy photographed who didn’t understand why he couldn’t spend the night at all his boy friends’ houses. But more so, to the 14 year old boy who never thought he would make it this far. I wish he would’ve believed the people who told him the best things happen when you least expect them to. Because they do.

Not only would I like to extend my help to my trans followers who need someone to talk to emotionally, but I have been through all legal document changes (that I own as a California resident at least) and have had some unexpected things happen to me on testosterone on top of the usual changes, along with having some knowledge about top surgery and insurance, so if you aren’t cis and have a legal or appropriate medical question for me regarding transitioning, I may just be able to provide some help! While I’m not always sure how good I am at these things, my askbox or DMs are always open to anyone that needs to talk or is seeking advice :)

Thank you for listening and as always, I love you all ♡

P.S. I didn’t go through all of this to have clowns in my inbox so please be respectful

#I feel so melodramatic but this is the first time I’ve ever done this #so there! I did it!#me #ok to rb #trans #transgender #ftm transition #ftm positivity #trans positivity #positivity #lgbtq #tw suicide #tw self harm #long post

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puddygeeks · 4 years ago

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Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 48: Hᴇᴀʀᴛs Tʀᴜᴇ Dᴇsɪʀᴇ

Masterlist

Rating: Mature

Summary: During her time in the Skybox, Indigo formed a precious friendship with fellow outcast Octavia Blake, the girl under the floor. At first they thought their departure from the oppression of the Ark was a blessing, but quickly came to rely on Indigo's keen survival instincts. The 100 struggle to meet the challenges of Earth whilst Bellamy strives to lead the wavering teenagers and his irresponsible attitude fuels constant conflict with Indigo. Their only shared interest is in protecting Octavia and Indigo beings to suspect that there is a deeper cause to Bellamy's seemingly irrational choices. As the consequences of his actions mount up around him, he finally begins to confide in her and she discovers more than she ever bargained for.

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Chapter Forty-Eight

It took a couple of days for things to return to normal in camp and for my hickies to heal enough to show my face without feeling constantly self conscious. Knox made a few offhand comments about Bellamy during our shifts and I apologised for his recent intimidating behaviour. I avoided our friends for fear of any snide comments and Bellamy slipped back into his strangely inconsistent habits.

After my shift in the kitchens, I wandered across the courtyard but my attention was caught by the sound of a nearby conversation. I paused in place to witness Mel chatting to Bellamy again and I recognised that neither of them had noticed me from the angle that I was standing in. She had her hand placed comfortably on his forearm and they were both laughing in a relaxed state. My stomach flipped with annoyance, despite my best efforts to deny it and I felt my jaw clench as I observed her making doe eyes at him. I tried to remind myself that he chose to take me back to his room every night and of all the small, attentive acts that he did daily to make my heart flutter, but they weren’t enough to remove the uneasy feeling in my chest. I rolled my eyes and dragged myself away to prevent my mind from torturing me any further.

I found a spot near the hustle of the mechanical building to settle and work through the notes that I’d taken from my lessons with Octavia. Recently I felt that I was finally starting to grasp some parts of Trig, but it required consistent work to maintain it in my head and I had discovered that the rhythmic noises of tools helped me to focus. I heard footsteps approaching but kept my eyes trained on my papers in the hope that whoever it was would take the hint to leave me alone.

“There you are Trouble.” I recognised the gruff tone of Bellamy’s voice immediately and glanced up to find him smiling at me warmly. “Kane’s called a meeting to discuss more trips to Mount Weather for supplies, thought you’d want to know.” He stated and I raised my brows in interest. “Yeah, hopefully it won’t drag on for hours again, but if it does I’ll see you back at the room?” He added with a disinterested groan and I sympathised with his responsibility to attend.

“Damn, looks like I’ll have to tuck myself in.” I crooned with a playful expression and he chuckled lightly in a way that I adored the sound of.

“Where have you been all day anyway? I didn’t see you leave your shift.” He questioned and I was surprised that he’d even noticed the slight change in my routine. Most days lately we passed each other in camp as I moved from one commitment to the other and he’d usually throw me a cheeky wink or even slyly make an inappropriate comment if he got close enough.

“Oh, just thought I’d get some study time in.” I confirmed but he simply raised a brow at me suspiciously. “I did pass you in the courtyard earlier, but you were chatting to Mel. I thought I’d give you guys a chance to catch up.” I commented in what I hoped sounded like an idle manner and he shifted on the spot.

“Ah, yeah she caught me for a while there.” He remarked and I concentrated heavily on maintaining a carefree posture. “She’s a nice girl, just very young. I think she’s still got a lot of training to do before I’d take her out as part of the guard.” He thought aloud and I nodded as I stared at my papers avoidantly.

“Hmm, she’ll be disappointed to be left behind. Be careful with that one.” I muttered absent mindedly and my stomach flipped as soon as the words left my mouth. He furrowed his brows at me and I cleared my throat to give myself a moment to consider my words. “Just...don’t lead her on, like you said, she’s young.” I advised with a shrug and he widened his eyes at me.

“Seriously Indie?” He drawled and I held my hands out defensively. “Look, I saved her life when she crashed to Earth, so she looks up to me. She’s another student for me to train, that’s all.” He detailed with a disbelieving tone to his voice, causing me to sigh.

“Are you sure that she knows that?” I asked as I peeked up at him and he analysed me with a slight smirk in the corner of his lips. Already, I regretted initiating this conversation and I found it difficult to discuss whilst still maintaining the casual attitude that I’d been insistent on since we started sleeping together.

“Are you jealous?” He suggested in a low growl and I scoffed in annoyance. “I did offer to train you, it’s not too late to switch classes. You can be my teacher’s pet.” He winked and I shook my head in disapproval at his continued teasing.

“No, I’m not jealous, you can do whatever you want. I’m just offering you some advice; let her down lightly so you don’t break a young girl's heart, take it or leave it.” I explained with a frustration that was evident as I shot to my feet and began to gather my things.

“It’s not like that.” He sighed in a defensive manner and I paused in place to glance at him with exasperation.

“I’m telling you as a woman what I saw in her, she wants it. You used to be excellent at recognising that. But whatever you say Bel.” I chuckled bitterly as I threw him one last look. “I’ll see you after your meeting.” I stated as I placed a chaste kiss on his cheek and left him rooted to the spot in confusion.

For a while, I managed to study in peace in the back of the mechanical building, until I was kicked out by people who needed to use the room. It was almost impossible to concentrate with the building frustration in my mind and I struggled to channel the feeling into anything beneficial. After several attempts to find something to distract myself, I received a message from Raven requesting my assistance with something.

“Hey! Octavia said you were trying to build muscle, right?” She spoke in a rushed way as she opened the door to allow me into her workshop and pulled me inside. I nodded hesitantly and she guided me to a metal structure that made absolutely no sense to me, beside the familiar Rover we’d just recovered. “Awesome, I have a proposal that will be mutually beneficial in that case. I need to install some upgrades but I can’t get around that easily with my bitch of a leg. Can you lift shit for me?” She asked and I noticed the slightest hint of vulnerability in her eyes. It was the first time that she had requested assistance with her injury from me and it felt strange to address the thing that we’d fallen into a routine of pretending hadn’t changed. I knew that admitting she needed help was practically agonising to Raven and felt honoured that she was able to confide in me.

“Of course, but you need to remember that I am, in fact, an idiot. So I’ll need very specific instructions on what you want me to do.” I remarked with a playful expression and was glad to notice that her shoulders visibly relaxed. We fell into an easy companionship as she worked whilst I strained to hold things in place and chatted in the same comfortable way that we always had.

“So, what do you think will come of this big leader meeting your man’s in?” She called from under the car and I sighed thoughtfully. I couldn’t imagine anything worse than sitting in a room full of self important people discussing every minor decision for our camp. It seemed simpler in the days at the dropship, where if something needed to be done we simply took action. I was unsure if the introduction of laws and politics was as beneficial as the leadership believed.

“I don’t know, bunch of political nonsense. I bet Bellamy’s struggling to even stay awake in there.” I commented lightly, imagining him dozing off at the end of the table and I heard Raven hum in agreement.

“Well, looks like he had some comfort before he went in.” She stated in a voice that I recognised well as bait and so I held my tongue. When I didn’t answer, she slid out from the car to examine me in annoyance. “I caught Mel flirting with him pretty hard outside the meeting room. She’s getting her claws right in.” She spat before she got to her feet and dusted herself off. The work space was so large that our voices echoed around it and I was glad that it was just the two of us here with the sharpness of her words.

“Ugh, that poor girl.” I groaned and Raven whipped around to face me as if I’d just grown another head. “I told him to let her down gently before she gets her feelings hurt.” I revealed as I rubbed my forehead in stress and she dropped into a seat to examine me with a riveted interest.

“And? What did he say?” She breathed with a fire burning in her eyes and I couldn’t help a slight snigger at the ridiculous reaction. Recently, it felt as if the budding romance between Bellamy and I was her favourite topic and although I appreciated her support, I couldn’t help finding her enthusiasm bizarre at times.

“He doesn’t think she’s flirting. He says she just looks up to him like the others, or she’s just friendly because she’s grateful to him.” I sighed as I settled into a seat opposite her and she threw her hands up in exaggeration. “I’ve never known him to be so blind to a girl's interest before.” I muttered with a groan and I tried to force the bitter feelings to the back of my mind before they could wander out of my mouth.

“That’s because he only has eyes for you.” She crooned in a mocking tone as she batted her lashes at me and I reached out to slap her playfully on the arm. “Doesn’t it bug you? Seriously, I’m worried. I know you were afraid before all this almost dying stuff, about him losing interest? I don’t want you to be pushed to the point of a nervous breakdown by this random chick.” She dropped her voice to one of genuine concern and I smiled warmly at her ill guided compassion.

“Before everything went down, yes I was. But I already had my nervous breakdown Raven, I’m tapped. Seriously, thinking that you’ll never see someone again kind of changes your priorities.” I explained as she watched me with blatant sympathy. “The way I see it now, Bellamy will do whatever it is that he wants to do. If he wants to fuck some other girl, he’ll do it whether I worry about it or not, so I’m not gonna worry about it. I’m just gonna enjoy whatever we have for as long as it lasts, cause I don’t want to waste a single second of it.” I elaborated and she scoffed as she viewed me with a sense of utter disbelief.

“You’re telling me that you’re just switching your ‘give a shit’ off?” She breathed as she crossed her arms and I sighed as I tried to think of a better way to explain my stance. I shuffled on my seat and rubbed at my temples as she observed my expectantly.

“I’m not switching it off. It was only weeks ago that I thought he was dead and I spent almost all of my time crying.” I revealed and she softened her face. “I reflected a lot on everything I’d learned and I know that Bellamy is the kind of guy who likes the chase. From what I’ve seen, he’s not big on the whole commitment thing and I don’t need it. I’m all too aware that things can change in a heartbeat and honestly, I’m just happy every time that he comes back from a mission alive. I’m glad that I get the chance to see that smile that makes my knees go weak and my heart beat so fast that I think it might explode.” I confessed and Raven smiled smugly.

“Girl, you’ve got it bad!” She laughed and I felt as if I had opened a door that I couldn’t close. The relief of being honest with her was so addictive that the words just continued to flow out of my mouth and the memory of him and Mel talking filled my mind, causing a surge of bitterness.

“I know! God I know.” I breathed as I ran my hands through my hair in a gesture of stress. “Who am I kidding with this whole chilled out act? Part of me wants to find that girl and go full grounder on her ass, tell her that if she even thinks about touching Bellamy I’ll beat her face in.” I growled and Raven whooped in support of this idea. “On the inside, even thinking about him with anyone else kills me, but then I remember how fucking grateful I am that he’s alive and I realise that I’d suffer through anything if it meant that he was happy.” I clarified and she pursed her lips at me with enjoyment.

“I’m pretty confident that he feels the same.” She commented and although I noticed that she didn’t seem to be smiling directly at me, I was too deep in thought to question it. She opened her mouth to speak again but I couldn’t stop the flow of feelings that I needed to speak aloud.

“Maybe, I guess only time will tell. For now, all I know is that I can barely think straight every time he compliments me, or does that thing where he shakes his head and looks at the ground when he laughs. You know, I dream about him, his freckles, the way his eyes glisten when he smiles, or how he runs his hand through his hair when he’s concentrating. I thought that after a while things would calm down, but Raven, every kiss makes my head spin like the first.” I rambled in an emotion charged blur. She watched me with a steadily growing satisfaction as I bared my soul to her and I only paused to sigh. “I’m pretty prepared for the idea that he doesn’t feel the same way, but that's okay. Because if I can just keep him in my life for as long as humanly possible, I’m willing to accept that.” I divulged with a final deep breath as I dropped my shoulders dramatically and finally felt a sense of peace that I hadn’t realised I sorely needed.

“You know, I really think you’d be surprised by how wrong you are about that.” She stated calmly despite an excitement shining in her eyes and I furrowed my brows at her in confusion.

“How can you be so sure?” I enquired with a heavy feeling of insecurity and a delighted smile spread across her lips at my question.

“Oh, just the little fact that he’s standing right behind you and he looks like he’s just won the jackpot, not running for the hills.” She revealed with a blatant enjoyment and I felt my face drop to one of pure horror. I prayed with all of my might that she was simply playing a cruel prank. I was too mortified to turn around to investigate and before I could muster up the courage, I heard a deep voice clear their throat behind me. I felt like my stomach was about to drop out of my body as I closed my eyes in a grimace and heard Raven stand. “I’ll leave you two to talk.” She commented calmly.

I remained frozen on the spot with my eyes firmly closed in an effort to shield myself from the reality of my mistake and heard Bellamy carefully approaching to shatter the hopes of my ‘I can't see you, you can��t see me’ logic. There was a feeling of dread that crept down my spine as I sensed his gaze burning into me and I took a deep breath before forcing myself to look at him. His eyes sparkled with a mixture of amusement and exhilaration, and I gulped nervously whilst my mind desperately strained for something to say. I fiddled with the zip on my jacket and my skin burned with humiliation.

“H-how much of that did you hear?” I stuttered as I peeked at him and squirmed in anticipation. My words repeated in my mind and as I reviewed all the things that he’d potentially overhead that I would rather chop off a limb than say to him, I felt like my heart might stop.

“All of it.” He breathed with a sly smile and I felt my heart skip a beat as I groaned. I felt a wave of nausea wash over me and thought that I would give anything for the chance to take it all back. Terror flooded my veins at the idea that the blissful bubble we’d existed in until now could be about to burst and I steeled myself for the potential heartbreak.

“Is there...any chance that you can just forget that you heard any of it?” I suggested with shaking hands and he did the exact thing that I’d just proclaimed my love for: chuckled lightly as he shook his head and gradually returned his gaze to me with a smile that made my head spin. “Cool, perfect. Well, if you didn’t specifically need me for anything, I’m gonna go blow my brains out.” I remarked with my hands in my pockets and I avoided meeting his eyes as I moved to stride away. I only managed a single step before he caught my arm and pulled me back to face him.

“Indie, don’t worry about it, it’s okay.” He stated as he studied me with an inscrutable expression and I was stressed by the action of locking eyes with him. I sighed as I shuffled on the spot and he reached out to place his hands on my shoulders. I couldn’t tell if he did this more as an act of comfort, or to prevent me from bolting, or maybe a combination of both. “You don’t have to be embarrassed with me. Was all that true?” He probed as he examined my face and I nodded reluctantly. “Why didn’t you say something sooner if it was bothering you so much?” He interrogated and I shrugged avoidantly.

“I don’t know, it seemed dumb.” I grumbled as I tried to push aside the urge to escape. I cleared my throat and decided that if we were going to have this conversation, I may as well say what I needed. “Why weren’t you just honest about Knox?” I enquired and Bellamy shrugged in defeat. This relieved some of the tension in the air as we acknowledged that we’d both played a part in creating this situation with our ridiculous behaviours and for a moment I broke into a smile as I viewed him.

“You know that you don’t have to worry about me with Mel, or anyone else, right?” He suggested as I fixed him with a baffled expression. “I don’t need anything else when I have everything I want with you.” He admitted with a genuine tone and I scoffed in disbelief. He took my face in his hands to force me to meet his eyes and I was surprised by the intensity of his gaze. “I’m serious. You’re beautiful, funny, smart. You give me advice when I need it and you keep me going. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He confessed and I stared back at him with wide eyes. “I know you had a hard time in Mount Weather, Love, but you’re forgetting that whilst you were there, I lost you too. You're not the only one who had a reality check. I’ve had plenty of time to think and finally getting you back has made me realise that I don’t ever want to lose you again, not to anything.” He paused to bite his lip and I noticed a hint of vulnerability that he tried to conceal. “You’re my girl, I don’t want anyone to question that anymore, especially not you.” He emphasised and I felt a smile breaking through my concern.

“Are you asking me to be your girlfriend, Bellamy Blake?” I crooned with a warmth spreading in my chest as the reality of his words struck me. He tilted his head closer and I bit my lip with a rush of excitement.

“I’m not asking.” He drawled before he leaned in to finally kiss me. The moment that his lips touched mine, I felt a sense of relief and there was a peace that I had craved for longer than I had realised. Thanks to Raven’s gamble, I had security at last.

***

The tension that had been hanging over us completely dissipated over the past few weeks and although we’d been too busy to see much of each other, it didn’t cause any stress now that we knew where we stood. Bellamy had received a whole new batch of volunteers for the guard, which translated into far more frequent shifts for him with the recruits and my training with Octavia had ramped up a notch now that she was starting to see progress. Monty had somehow convinced Jasper to start taking some of his shifts back in mechanical, which was a relief as Monty was looking rather bedraggled recently.

I’d used my new additional free time to either work on building muscle, or studying Trig. I was able to hold almost entire conversations in it now and although I still made the occasional mistake or found worlds that I hadn’t learned, I was proud of the new skill. It was a surprise to discover that Lincoln was slightly chattier in his native tongue and I’d come to appreciate our conversations more due to their infrequency. We bonded mostly over a joint protectiveness of Octavia, but I also enjoyed the quiet wisdom about him that I witnessed more now that he had moved into Arkadia. It was strange to see him living amongst us after our violent beginnings, but he seemed to be adapting well and fell into communicating with other campers far better than I ever would have expected. I was studying in the courtyard of camp, enjoying the cool spring sunshine when Monty rushed over.

“Hey Indie, have you seen Jasper?” He queried with blatant fear filling his face and something about his manner immediately put me on edge.

“No, I’m sorry.” I answered and he hissed in response. “I thought he was doing a shift today? Is everything okay?” I investigated as he shuffled on the spot with distress and I analysed him worriedly.

“He was, he didn’t turn up and I’ve only just heard. No one’s seen him all day and it’s been hours since he left dorms.” He confirmed with his brows deeply furrowed and I quickly got to my feet to assist.

“You want me to take this to Bel, get a search party out or are we keeping this on the down low?” I breathed as I felt his panic bleeding into me and my heart hammered in my chest.

“Let’s just keep it between us for now, I don’t want to get Jasper in trouble.” He muttered and I nodded obediently.

“Alright, let’s split up and meet back here if you can’t find him.” I suggested and we rushed apart in search of him.

I checked anywhere that I thought Jasper was likely to attend for fun first, in the vain hope that he may finally have felt like enjoying himself. When that failed, I had to acknowledge the painful thought that he may have gone somewhere quiet to harm himself and I felt an overpowering anxiety building in me as I searched the secluded areas where I thought it would be easiest to do this. I passed Monty in the mechanical building as we both seemed to have the same idea to investigate the unused rooms and abandoned corners.

In one of the final rooms, I turned to leave when I noticed a boot out of the corner of my eye. I crouched down to examine it and discovered Jasper passed out under a table. I gasped as I neared him in terror and immediately checked for any sign of a pulse. An intense wave of relief washed over me as I confirmed that he was alive and I leaned closer to the door to call out.

“Monty! In here!” I cried, before returning to Jasper to pull him across my lap. I shook him until he responded as I became fearful that he could have overdosed and he groaned dramatically but didn’t seem to be able to wake. Monty stumbled into the room in a fluster and I smiled up at him. “I’ve got him.” I confirmed but Monty could clearly see the concern in my eyes as he glanced between me and Jasper, whose head flopped back in my arms.

“Ugh, he’s tanked.” Monty stated and as I turned to view him doubtfully, I noticed the empty flask further under the desk. “I’d recognise that look on him anywhere. Damn it, Jasper.” He growled with an evident frustration and I sighed in disappointment as I scooped up the evidence to hide in my pocket. “Can you help me get him back to dorms?” Monty asked with an embarrassed expression and I nodded in understanding.

“Of course, my love.” I answered as I got to my feet and we managed to hoist him between us with difficulty. He was barely conscious enough to manage to walk with some stern encouragement and his arms over our shoulders to keep him upright.

“You’re a mess, dude.” Monty scolded, but Jasper only managed an offended groan in response. Monty rolled his eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry about this Indie.” He mumbled awkwardly.

“Hey, it’s fine. Family isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, right?” I smiled encouragingly at him and he made his best effort to return it.

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