#I feel so melodramatic but this is the first time I’ve ever done this

[snzluv3r]

i feel like the worst person in the world for this thought, but i am SO excited for it to get cold enough for my neighbor’s flowers to die…and i think these self obs from today help me explain exactly why.

cw for descriptions of allergic sneezing + mess

i feel horrible for wishing death on this little old man’s plants, but his garden is full of an entire rainbow of multiple different flowers that have made me sneeze every single day i’ve walked passed them since april.

even on the good days when i manage to hold back an immediate sneezing fit, they still make my eyes water and my nose run, forcing me to try (and fail, almost always fail) to balance sniffling back the mess and trying not to sneeze long enough to make it inside my own place, which is not only a race against the clock but a race against nature itself imo.

i felt especially silly and embarrassing today as i fought against what felt like two different seasons of allergic affliction. it was as if my melodramatic nose couldn’t pick just one allergen to contend with, let alone to publicly humiliate me with—so, even as friday brought with it a merciful conclusion to a long work week of fall allergies, i ended up breathless and sneezy once more, my nose caught off guard after passing by these brightly colored remnants of spring and summer. the comforting, crisp chill and damp smell in the air of the incoming autumn had almost made me forget about the flowers and their threat to my already sensitive nose, until their bright colors caught my eye, in stark contrast with the grey evening sky.

i tried so hard not to inhale until i was past the stretch of flower-garden-allergy-torture, but somehow i forgot that sniffling is a form of inhaling, and the strong, floral scented air managed to hit me even through the double-layered protection of my mask and my existing mild congestion. i don’t think i even got to fully sniffle before my eyes were filling with allergic tears and my breath was hitching, the tickle too deep in my nose to hold back.

like all my allergic sneezes, especially the ones that start when my nose is already drippy and sniffly and dramatically irritated, these were bound to be wet, and there was no time to even pull down my mask, let alone scramble for my travel pack of tissues. in a panic i tried to stifle, which only made everything so much worse and only actually worked for about three poorly stifled sneezes before the first desperate, unrestrained sneeze ripped through me. obviously it didn’t have far to go, given the mask still hugging my face and caging my mouth and nose, but there was no way i was taking off the mask now. the damage was done, and i couldn’t risk the embarrassment of anyone seeing me like this.

not when the more i sneezed, the more mess i could feel run down my chin, completely coating the lower half of my face and inside of my mask. feeling the spray of each sneeze against my mask only made my embarrassment about yet another public sneezing fit worse, my ears and cheeks reddening even more than my nose. i tried stifling again but realized it was pointless, resigning myself to walking as fast as i could while remaining upright as my body snapped forward with harsh, uncontrollable allergic sneezes. my only solace was the slight muffle the (now drenched) mask provided, keeping my head down and towards my chest as i sneezed and shuffled my feet clumsily along the sidewalk. i only ended up having to stop my awkward, sneezy speed-walking once in the remaining two blocks home, for a rogue rapid fit that came so fast, all i could do was stop in my tracks to sneeze over and over again into my mask, my chin tucked into my chest as i instinctively held my elbow up as if to cover the fit despite the mask.

by the time i got into my apartment i had sneezed probably 35 times into my mask and the mess trapped inside was clinging awkwardly to my ever flaring nostrils, making the still unsatisfied itch even more unbearable. it felt almost like purposeful torture, as if the sensation of the mask’s now cool, damp fabric against the existing need to sneeze had become someone who was lightly tickling my nose with a feather, playfully torturing my glistening nostrils as they twitched. my nose was so unbelievably itchy and impossible to ignore in those last few steps to my apartment that i couldn’t help but try to rub my nose against my chest as i fumbled with my keys to unlock the front door. it didn’t even register with me that i was doing it until i had the door open and realized how ineffective of a handsfree nose rubbing method that had been, my desperate attempt at relief only bothering my nose more.

i didn’t even get the door all the way closed behind me before i was sneezing again, my walk up the stairs made difficult by more sudden rapid-fire sneezes, but i was determined to make it all the way home before i lost complete control. even though i was virtually alone, i still had no intention of taking off the mask until i was truly alone and behind a closed, preferably locked door—the thought of anyone seeing how much of a mess i was behind the mask was unbearable, somehow even more embarrassing than all the actual public sneezing itself. it couldn’t have taken me more than seconds to unlock my apartment door, the final destination and end to this nightmare, but it felt agonizingly long as i sneezed in rapid sets of 3s that felt like they echoed up and down the stairs. literally all i could think about was ripping the mask off, finally freeing my nose of the sort of self-inducing allergic torture chamber my mask had become and burying my mouth and nose into about a dozen tissues at once to have the fit of my life (or at least this week 🤣),

i truly applaud this man for not only keeping these flowers alive but THRIVING to the point they’re still pollinating, even as the temperatures drop and leaves fall in the same backyard, but i can’t deny that i daydream about the day i don’t have to try to hold my breath as i walk down that block…

so yeah, i guess in the nicest and gentlest way possible, i can’t wait for this man’s flowers to die (or be moved to some nice imaginary greenhouse in a land far away)

[yourqueenb]

I thought I’d be able to write a semi coherent post expressing my thoughts on the finale and the book overall after stepping away from it for a while. But as I’ve started thinking about it again, I’ve only gotten more annoyed. So here’s some disorganized rambling on my issues with Blades 2 instead. Probably just gonna make separate posts for my thoughts as they come to me.

I feel like I should start with Valax because she’s one of the biggest reasons why I feel like this book was absolute dogshit tbh. When you create a whole new character who will eventually be instated as member of the main friend group or an LI, there’s a certain amount of prep work that has to go into establishing them as a character. That work doubles when the character starts off in opposition to the MC or other important characters. And in Valax’s case, not only did she start off simply opposing MC and what we stood for, she stole us from our home and family, forced and kept us in a vulnerable state (for a year? 2 weeks? do we even know atp?), and then violated us by quite literally trying to bleed us dry.

MC’s kidnapping and torture were the catalyst for this entire book. Yet the perpetrator doesn’t have to acknowledge anything that she did at all… Our friends can ignore and downplay what happened (even though it was apparently oh so hard without us) for the better half of the book… And worst of all, MC defaults to brushing everything off, placing trust in this person, and even going out of the way to empathize with her at every turn.

We have the option to express some anger and frustration with our friends’ treatment of us in a rushed scene in the second to last chapter of the book. But that’s where the majority of the focus goes. The only mention of Valax is MC expressing confusion about her role in things and a little bit of hurt about being “betrayed”. Yet up until that point, the writers had done nothing meaningful outside of diamond scenes to actually establish her as someone that could be trusted or become a friend, nothing to show that she could empathize with MC and the insane amount of trauma inflicted on MC and friends because of her, and nothing to prove that she was even seeking forgiveness for it in the first place.

Then to add the icing on the cake, they turn around and invoke the word “friend” in reference to Valax at every opportunity in the last chapter. They have her claiming she couldn’t hurt us. Pouting and shedding a couple of tears in what is probably the most ridiculous and melodramatic CG I’ve ever seen. And MC once again empathizing with her at every turn. Placing trust in her, protecting her, standing up for her, offering to leave her friends, family, and entire life behind to go to the Shadow realm with her.

It’s already been established that MC was basically just a tool the writers used to tell all of the other characters’ (especially Nia’s) stories. But as of now, I feel Valax far surpasses Nia in that regard. MC had to bleed, lose time that can’t be replaced, have her agency stripped from her, and ultimately suffer in silence through all of it just so Valax (a completely new character) could have her lackluster story told in scenes that you don’t even see if you don’t pay for them.

[freneticfloetry]

ten questions for writers

Have I done this before? I feel like I've done this before. Oh well, still fun if I have. Thanks to @orchidscript @rmd-writes and @liminalmemories21 for the tags.

How many works do you have on AO3? 48. (We won’t speak of the tomb of forgotten fic.)

What's your total AO3 word count? 373,455 solo + 3,646 as part of a ~32k collab.

What fandoms do you write for? Actively: 911 LS, RWRB, The Magicians (ish).

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Absolutely! Comments are the best serotonin. Feedback is the single biggest motivator in the world for me. (I got a comment the other day on my beloved Magicians time travel shenanigans WIP, the plot of which was damn near the death of me, and though the show still makes me physically ill at this juncture, that one comment made me want to write it again.) I also just love responding to what people tell me they enjoyed, or exploring the symbolism or themes they’ve picked up. With writing fic, we’re in the incredible position of being able to regularly interact with our readers, and that’s a gift I would hate to miss out on. There are a couple pages of comments on my juggernaut fic that went woefully unanswered — they’re years old now, and I still itch to respond.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Sadly yes. Wattpad is a lawless place.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? I have! Though not since the advent of GDocs and cloud-based Office, so I’ve never had the thrill of words magically appearing. Even so, I had a blast and would love to do it again.

What's your all-time favourite ship? Oof. I patently refuse. If pressed, I could maybe provide a top ten.

What are your writing strengths? Dialogue. I’m good at making characters sound like themselves (or at least who they are in my head). Character insight. Story structure. And @finnglas says I’m good at ensemble scenes, which is still a big point of pride.

What are your writing weaknesses? Brevity. Beginnings. Raging perfectionism. Getting too tied to canon, in a lot of cases. I need to write another big, all-encompassing AU and shake off the bonds of writing the things in between what we’ve already been given. (Also, my alliteration problem is real.)

First fandom you wrote for? OG Roswell! Lots of Michael/Liz and Kyle/Isabel. It was all very melodramatic.

Tagging in @never-blooms @ambiguouspenny @paperstorm @reyesstrand @heartstringsduet @carlos-in-glasses

[andavs]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @thekristen999

How many works do you have on ao3? 21

What's your total ao3 word count? 380,201

What fandoms do you write for? Working on some 911 that I haven’t actually posted yet, and Teen Wolf, which has shifted to the back burner because Eddie Diaz took over my brain.

Top five fics by kudos: A Crooked Way to Fly Tabula Rasa Gift Trapped From Ashes The Guard and Red

Do you respond to comments? I fully intend to. And then my inbox is full of comment notifications from six years ago. I'm sorry I know I suck!!!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I don’t think I’ve written an angsty ending? 

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? All of them, I think.

Do you get hate on fics? Occasionally someone will say they didn’t like the ending of Tabula Rasa, but that’s it. And I get it.

Do you write smut? Nah. Once I found out that the actors had seen my art (for both Teen Wolf and 911), that fourth wall imploded in my mind and now it makes me too uncomfortable.

Craziest crossover: I haven’t done proper crossovers, but I did a Sterek Shrek AU one time that was unexpected.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of. Someone once took a sketch, colored it in, and reposted it as their OCs, but that’s the closest.

Have you ever had a fic translated? I think so? I know people have asked to translate them, but I never actually checked after.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? As in putting my own words in a doc, no. But @petals42 and I collaborated a lot with brainstorming and plotting, and then she did the writing and I did the art.

All time favourite ship? To write? Tied between Sterek and Buddie. But I also love Veronica and Logan from Veronica Mars, and John and Aeryn in Farscape, even though I’ve never wanted to write or really read fic for them.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? My Teen Wolf season one rewrite! Stiles is Derek’s age and a deputy, and he and Derek knew each other in high school. I still love it, it was just a monster and I haven’t been in that mode for a long time. I still have hope! I want to! If only for my own satisfaction.

What are your writing strengths? I’ve been told I’m pretty good at in character dialogue, at least with Stiles’ voice, and that’s the part I enjoy the most.

What are your writing weaknesses? Descriptions and like…actual, genuine emotions, I think. Whenever I try to write the heavier stuff, it feels way too melodramatic and then I cut it way back to the point where it’s basically gone.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? If there’s plenty of context around it so you can get the gist of what they’re saying, then it’s okay. Like in Oceans how Yen never speaks a word of English, but everyone else’s responses tell you what he was saying. Otherwise I tend to prefer things like, “He said in Spanish,” or “They argued in Spanish for a minute.” 

First fandom you wrote in? Either Alex Rider or School of Rock. 😬

Favourite fic you've written? I still really like this outsider pov fic. I fucking love outsider pov. I have a 911 outsider pov that’s been mostly done for like two years, but then I realized the actual team isn’t in it enough to make people want to read it, so it's just kind of sitting there.

Tagging: @kitkatpancakestack @wellhalesbells @mad-madam-m @tawaifeddiediaz @cinematicnomad @zainclaw

[2baddiesfanfics]

Let Destiny Decide (Chapter 2)

Pairing: Kafka x Himeko

Tags: Angst, Exes, Oral Sex, Vaginal Fingering

Summary:

In this prequel chapter, we take a step back to the past, peering into how Kafka and Himeko became so much more than coworkers.

Read on Ao3

Chapter 2: Just Stay

Never in a million years did Kafka imagine this was where she’d end up. She’d spent a good chunk of her life running from, well, everything. Who would have thought a stranger – one she had plowed into, no less – would be the first to see a glimmer of potential in her and give her a chance?

It had all seemed a little too perfect. Kafka had always written off the concept of fate or destiny as utter bullshit. The stuff of fairy tales and daydreams. A way to cope with how fucked up the present was.

Until she met Himeko. Even as she listened to her chastise her reckless actions, she couldn’t focus on the words coming out of her mouth. She was dumbstruck by her beauty. The way her golden eyes shown with genuine concern disguised as irritation. Brought back to reality by the fiery-haired woman’s extended hand, she suddenly had the feeling that if she took it, the trajectory of her life would change in unimaginable ways.

For once in her life, she was right.

As the two hopped from planet to planet, Kafka went from being excited to take on missions with her to being legitimately frightened. She was tough. She was used to manipulating and faking her way through every possible scenario that could be thrown at her. What she didn’t know how to handle were these very real feelings starting to emerge. Himeko was essentially her boss and the reason she was no longer scrounging around for a place to rest her head at night.

And she had fallen in love with her. God, she hated that word. There had been a time when she might have believed in the concept. But she had been burned far too many times. Now the term carried a connotation that made bile start to rise in her throat.

As if someone like her would ever feel that way about someone like me. I’m lucky she even bothered to take a gamble and bring me on. As long as I can call the Express my home, I’ll live with being nothing more than a coworker.

Or so she thought.

They’d recently picked up a gig on a planet famous for its high-end clientele and luxurious nightclubs. It was a messy job with more than a few close calls. In the end, they had made it through unscathed – mostly. At first, Himeko had railed at her.

Goddammit, Kafka! We had him right there and you almost let him get away!

Listen here, princess. If we had done it your way, he WOULD have gotten away. Look, I know my ways may be a bit…unorthodox, but we got the job done. No harm, no foul. You should be thanking me, really.

Himeko scoffed and practically ran to her room. Kafka figured this was yet another one of her melodramatic acts to prompt her to apologize for her behavior. And as always, she’d refuse to give in. She knew things would soon blow over and they’d be back to business as usual. An hour went by, and sure enough, she heard the cabin door open. The sight that greeted her threatened to break her emotionless façade.

She emerged from her room in an extremely tight scarlet dress that barely made it mid-thigh. Kafka had seen her dressed up before for client meetings, but this was certainly not what she normally wore for those situations. She chose her next words carefully.

“Job’s over. What’s the occasion?”

“Occasion? We’re on a planet renowned for its party scene. I think I’ve earned a drink or two. I’ll be back later. Or tomorrow. I suppose it’ll depend on how the night goes. Say goodnight to Pom Pom for me.”

Kafka felt the blood drain from her face. Calm the fuck down. She’s doing this shit on purpose. Don’t give her the satisfaction.

“I see. Have fun.”

“Oh, I plan on it. Bye now. And Kafka? Don’t wait up for me.”

————————-

The beat of the music thrummed through Kafka’s entire body as she sauntered past the bouncer and straight to the bar. Flashing lights ricocheted off the sequins of her midnight black dress. Heads turned, but she couldn’t care less.

“What can I get you, miss?” The bartender shouted over the heavy bass.

“Whisky. The hardest you’ve got,” she commanded.

He nodded, poured, and traded the glass for her credits. She took a sip, the amber liquor scorching the back of her throat. Scanning the crowd, her eyes shifted from one end of the packed dancefloor to the other. Himeko was here. She knew she was. For work purposes, they tracked their respective locations on their phones in case one got into a pinch and needed to be located quickly and quietly.

Finally, her gaze locked on to that which it sought. How could she miss that hair, red as the glass of merlot she had in her hand, the other wrapped around the waist of some unknown woman as they writhed together to the pulse of the song. If she gripped her now-empty tumbler any harder, it would shatter in her hand. Her vision had blurred slightly and she had to focus her steps as she trod to the spot in front of the DJ.

Grabbing her shoulder, Himeko turned and her eyes widened in sudden recognition. The woman she had been dancing with took one look at Kafka and could tell it would be in her best interest to find another partner.

“What are you doing here? I don’t believe I gave you an invitation,” she yelled into her ear.

“You know what I’m doing here. Don’t play dumb and quit fucking with me,” Kafka shouted back.

“I just came here to blow off some steam. Fuck off,” Himeko sneered.

“I can see that. Was she the one who bought you that drink?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t see why it matters to you.”

Snatching the glass from her hand, Kafka knocked back the liquid that remained. Grabbing Himeko’s hips, she pulled her against her violently. Her breath hot in her ear, she said, “Let me tell you why it matters. I know you like pushing my buttons, but I’m not a monster. I have feelings, just like you. You came here deliberately to make me jealous. I don’t think that’s playing fair.” Her lips were so close Himeko could feel them against her skin.

The woman leaned into Kafka’s embrace as they swayed to the rhythm. “And since when have you ever played fair, Kafka? Why do you think I get so upset when you pull stupid shit like you did today, hmmm? You’re a smart woman. You can figure it out.”

Spinning her around so Himeko’s back was flush against her chest, she made sure she could hear her reply. “Why don’t you enlighten me?”

The woman turned her head, pressing her scarlet-stained lips hard against Kafka’s. Was it seconds? Minutes? Neither could tell. Kafka only regained her ability to think when she felt herself hit a wall. Twirling their bodies, she pinned Himeko against it. The people around them were far too occupied with their own good time to interrupt theirs.

Finally, Himeko pulled away, ducking under the other woman’s arms. “Now. I’m going to go get that drink I was sipping on until someone decided it was theirs. It tastes much better out of a clean glass than off your filthy lips,” she spat out before heading back to the bar.

Kafka stood dumbstruck, bracing herself with her hands against the wall. What the hell just happened? Spinning around to try and catch a glimpse of her, she watched as yet another woman approached Himeko at the bar. The room spun and fire shot through her veins as she witnessed her place her hand gently on the lady’s arm. Although she couldn’t hear it over the cacophony of sound, she could tell Himeko was laughing daintily at whatever stupid fucking thing this bitch must have told her.

Kafka’s fingers hovered involuntarily against her lips, the sensation of Himeko’s on hers still weighing heavy. The object of her desire glanced back toward her as she watched her process all that had transpired in a matter of minutes. Collecting herself, Kafka tread over and inserted herself between Himeko and this stranger.

“So, you just decide to make out with me and then walk away? Is that really how you want to remember our first kiss?” Kafka asked with her signature sarcasm.

Himeko rolled her eyes. “Are you really that dense, or can you not see I’m in the middle of something here?” She knew she was getting to her. The leader of the Astral Express could scheme with the best of them. The two hadn’t traveled together for very long, but it was long enough for her to know exactly how to get into her head.

Kafka sneered at the unknown encroacher standing next to her, a deep-seated rage blazing in her gaze. “Leave,” she commanded. The interloper didn’t need to be asked twice as she scurried off as fast as her high-heels could carry her.

Chugging down what remained in her glass, she gave her a stern look. “What do you want, Kafka? You want me to tell you that kiss meant something? Or would you rather hear about how I think about you when I’m alone in my room?”

Kafka knew they were both buzzed at a minimum, but despite this could tell what she had just admitted was not a mere slip of the tongue. A low growl hitched in her throat at her words.

“Or that it irritates me when you break the very explicit rules I set on our missions, but won’t allow yourself to break the rules between us?”

Before she could retaliate, Himeko grabbed her by the hand and led her to the dance floor once more. “Since you’ve scared away my partners tonight, you’re taking their place.”

She pressed her body against Kafka’s, grinding against her as the music drowned out their thoughts. Unsure how to respond, she let Himeko lead, grabbing her by the waist to keep herself steady. There was no way she’d be able to form a coherent thought having her ass rub against her crotch like this anyway. Might as well enjoy it.

As soon as the DJ ended his set, Himeko grabbed Kafka’s wrist and practically sprinted to the exit. Their ears rang from intense volume and adrenaline, preventing them from discussing the matter further.

Himeko had already planned to not return to the Astral Express that night and reserved a hotel room - not to fuck a stranger, but to have a discreet place to sleep off the inevitable hangover. Once behind closed doors, she could no longer control herself. She lunged toward Kafka, her tongue seeking the warm wetness of her mouth.

Trying to catch her breath, Kafka pulled back. “Princess…are you sure about this?” She wanted this more than anything but didn’t want to take advantage of the situation.

“Did I not just tell you how it upsets me that you won’t break the rules between us? Of course I’m sure. Now shut up and fuck me,” Himeko demanded as she stripped out of her dress. Kafka quickly followed suit.

Pushing her down onto the bed, Himeko moved to straddle her. “Gods how I’ve dreamed of this,” Himeko whispered as she peppered kisses across Kafka’s chest.

“Why didn’t you just say so? You’re such a go-getter, I figured you more for the ‘take what I want’ type,” Kafka groaned in response.

Himeko peered up at her with lust-filled eyes. Kissing up to her neck she stopped to lick and suck at the tender flesh before biting down.

“Fuck! I suppose I deserved that.”

“Well…you did just tell me to take what I want,” she responded cheekily.

“Ah, I see you’re a bratty princess,” Kafka teased.

Himeko massaged Kafka’s breasts, causing her to moan into her mouth. Her other hand snaked between her lover’s thighs, her index finger easily gliding between her soaking wet folds.

She smirked as she brought her finger back up to her line of sight to inspect it. “For someone who talks a big game, it sure doesn’t take much to get you ready, hmm?”

“What was it you said to me before? Oh yes. Shut up and fuck me,” Kafka ground out.

Himeko continued to collect her arousal before inserting a single digit into her. Slowly thrusting in and out, she allowed her to adjust to the welcome intrusion.

“Ah…princess…you have no idea…how long I’ve wanted this,” Kafka heaved.

Moving her fingers faster, Himeko replied, “You’ll have to show me how bad you want me after I make you come.”

Kafka’s hips bucked in time, her senses going haywire at the feeling of the other woman’s lips on her neck and her fingers pinching and pulling her nipple. Himeko felt her walls contracting around her, and, knowing she was close, used her thumb to stroke her clit.

“Ohhhhhhh, Himeko!!” She shouted in ecstasy as she hit her peak, her hands gripping the sheets beneath them. The leader of the Astral Express kissed her bare shoulder tenderly, trying to convey through actions what her words could not yet communicate.

“Mmmm…I was right to be jealous. Anyone who gets that treatment besides me is now on my hit list.”

Himeko glared at her, and she held up her hands in surrender, smirking.

“Kidding! Kidding. But I do hope I can make you feel the same way.” Her eyes shown with a look that felt dangerous - and Himeko was ready to find out why.

“Let’s see if you can make me not regret taking you home instead of that gorgeous blonde I was dancing with earlier.”

Kafka snarled and pounced on her, her hand grabbing her by the sides of her neck. “My, my. I know you love to rile me up, but I’ll make you regret toying with me like that.” She dove forward, their mouths crashing against each other.

Himeko felt Kafka’s canines sink into her bottom lip and she could no longer put up a strong resistance. Her hand slid around the back of her head pulling her in deeper, harder. Kafka smiled as the other woman moaned into her mouth. This would be easier than she thought.

Her lips traveled across her neck as she moved down her body. Resting between the curve of her breasts, she alternated between gentle kisses and rough nibbles, relishing the noisy reactions she received. Himeko’s fingers were threaded through her hair, pulling and tugging in a wordless plea for more.

Kafka had always admired her physique. She was lovely, with a body that reminded her of those statues of ancient Greek goddesses. Having now experienced the way her naked skin felt under her lips, tongue, and fingers, she didn’t think she’d ever be able to live without it.

Without even having to ask, Himeko voluntarily spread her legs as if beckoning her to taste. Kafka positioned herself at her entrance, teasing her ever so softly with the tip of her tongue.

“Gods…Kafka…fuck…” she whined, too proud to beg for more. She could feel the woman chuckle against her, the vibration shooting directly to her clit. Not wanting to taunt her even more, she started with long, languid licks as she luxuriated in this taste she had longed to experience. For someone who drank coffee like it was her job, her flavor was unusually sweet. I could get used to this, Kafka thought.

She stroked the sensitive bud with her tongue, listening to Himeko’s groans hit a crescendo.

“That’s right, baby. Let me hear how good I make you feel,” she ordered as she inserted a pair of fingers, pumping in time with the strokes of her tongue.

“Ahhhhhh Kafkaaaaaa! I-I’m…” the last word was lost as she let out a primal cry of pleasure, her thighs squeezing Kafka’s head to keep her in place.

Removing her fingers from her, she licked them clean as Himeko watched hungrily. She could swear her already flushed cheeks turned an even deeper shade of red.

“Fucking delicious,” Kafka muttered before plopping down beside her. Worn out from the emotional rollercoaster they had both ridden that night, they shared a yawn as they fought to keep their eyes open.

“Himeko…about tonight…where-“

The woman interrupted her with another kiss. Resting her forehead on hers, her tired eyes pleaded for silence.

“Kafka, please. Not tonight. Let’s not complicate it. We’ll have all the time in the world to discuss it tomorrow. For now, just…stay.”

[lyon-amore]

What if...? Duskwood Chapter 37

Chapter 36 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

*Macie POV*

I feel like a fool for getting so angry and nervous. But at the same time, the guilt of not having been paying attention drags me down. The more I talked to Thomas, the more I calmed down. He loves Hannah very much and fears that she is dead. Like Richy. He's freaking out every time we find out something else, powerless not to do something. I read the chat I've had with him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Thomas Hanna is dead. And so is Richy The others are just trying to ignore all the facts. And I’ve really tried But I can’t I just can’t do it anymore

 Macie Thomas, listen to me Amy was found, but Hannah wasn’t This is a relatively good sign ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 I try to believe the words I have sent him. I want to believe that Hannah is alive because of Jake and Lilly. Everything else doesn't matter to me. The matter with Jennifer has nothing to do with what I'm investigating, that's what the police will take care of when this is all over.

 Thomas hates being in the house hiding and not being able to do anything. I know. I understand. I hated that I couldn't do anything for Jake when he wasn't around, and even though the I Am Jake article and photo worked, I felt like I didn't really do anything. Just hide behind words. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Thomas Macie? If you were Hannah If you had done something so horrible in your past Would you have told your partner? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 I keep reading the question. I don't think I've ever done anything wrong… I think… I don't want to blame myself for that. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Macie Yes I think I would And I would expect the same from my partner ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 I watch Jake fixing access to the phone. He told me the truth. He told me that the government is persecuting him for getting into things where he shouldn't. Since then, I think that confidence in both has been improving.

I put my hand to my neck, but this time I don't think about the kidnapper, but about Jake, at bath time. Little by little we are getting closer, but... It seems that fate always interrupts us when we are about to get closer or I get nervous when he jokes. Will we ever break that barrier?    "You are more calm?" He asks me from the computer.    "Yes... I'm better... Sorry..."    “Do not apologize, Macie” I hear him sigh “, I know I pushed you pressure on the phone, I am sorry."     Well, at least he always ends up apologizing when he knows he makes mistakes. But I also know that this phone is important to communicate with the kidnapper. Without him, I cannot write to him. It is the only way to try to reason.

I get a message from the group and smile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Cleo Right Dan and I are finally arrive

 Macie Then you’re all there no

 Cleo Yes 🙂

 Dan What’s the stich? You got a free in bed or something? 

Macie Haven't you been in bed long enough?

 Dan I’ll give you that one ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Before arriving, they had taken a detour at the accident area. Dan's idea. The poor thing for having been in bed all this time that he had not been able to help us much. I can partly understand it, it's a bit boring to do nothing and be wanting.

Cleo has told me that she suspect that they have not kicked him out of the hospital already, but that he has left on his own and it would not surprise me at all, knowing how I have known Dan, I see him very capable of having done it. He would have to be doing rehabilitation to walk again. He's going to give me a nervous breakdown with this whole group at this rate.

I sit up in bed and look out the window. Night is starting to fall. The sun is already hiding. I let out a long, exaggerated melodramatic sigh.    "It's been a long day, right?" I tell Jake.    “I agree with you” he admits without looking up “even though it is ranked number two on the long-day list."    "So there's a first."    “Depending on how it ends, it will still be number two."     He sounds very tired… I wish I could do something for him. I'm going to the forum again. I don't know how many posts I've read and commented on today but I think I've broken my record to my teenager ages.    "Macie?" I look up when I hear him call me "I have done it" I get up from the bed, approaching him ". We have access to Hannah's cell phone again."    “Good, that means I don't have to strangle Thomas.” I say as I hug him from behind, stroking his hair lovingly.    "No, I suppose you can spare his life." he answers with a laugh.     I roll my eyes, laughing too. I get a text and see it's Lilly. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Lilly Hi Macie I saw you were online I'm not interrupting you two anyway, am I?

 Macie Mmm… I don't know I don't know….😜

 Lilly 🤭

 Macie No, don’t worry

 Lilly I don't want to keep you But we’ve just lit the fire and Thomas just went to get his guitar So I wanted to give you two a heads-op so that you’ll be on your phone 🙂

 Macie Thanks for letting us know, Lilly. That’s something we are not going to miss for the world 😁

 Lilly Haha, right 🙂  I thought you two could do a with a bit of a distraction, too Like all of us Ok. I'll call you 🤭 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  “I just read through Hannah's browsing history.” He moves to invite me to sit down and I do. Can I say without a doubt that I never need another seat in my entire life? Sitting on top of him is enough for me.    "I already did that too." I smiled at him, wrapping my arms around his neck.     He smiles proudly at me. Ah… It's good that it is for me…    “One of the last pages Hannah visited was that of  the Pine Glade festival.” He brings up the website, and I pay attention "Michael Hanson mentioned it in connection with his daughter disappearance."    "Yes, I remember" I answered, remembering the audio with Alan "The Aurora was packed because of the festival, that’s why he had no time for Jennifer…” I drawl out slowly, until I remember why I was really here. Because of work. For the article. But not only that. It was something more important "Jake, that festival is tomorrow!"     I see you frown, thinking.    “I think you should ask the others about the Pine Glade festival” he commands me with a new task ", and the one ten years ago, to be exact."    "Nobody will remember" I commented a little doubtfully ". Who knows how everyone was that day ten years ago..."    "I sincerely hope not, but for trying" He brushes my hair back from my face, stroking me carefully ", and even if they remember only fragments, we must understand how this accident came to pass, and I believe that Hannah was probably at the festival with one of your friends."    "Yeah, I think so too..."     Lilly's video call interrupts us and I look at Jake, smiling.    "Access my phone from the computer." I tell him excitedly.    "Why?" What is happening?    "Just do it, I promise to watch from my phone so they don't see you."     He looks at me a little doubtfully, but he does. I accept the video call and the first thing I see is Thomas playing the guitar. The fire from the bonfire is like going through the screen, I can feel the heat. I smile when I see the quiet group and my gaze accidentally drifts to the computer, to see it much better. Jessy seems intent on listening to the guitar music, her eyes closed. Cleo seems to be thinking, surely Hannah and her mother, she had to leave Duskwood to protect herself. Then there's Dan, in his wheelchair drinking whiskey. I have to have a serious talk with him when I can, I'm quite worried about his health. But there they are all together... Protected... Calm...

I sigh when Thomas finishes and the video call hangs up.    “Well then.” I hear Jake say.    "Well, I like it." I commented, placing my head on his chest.     I look up and see that he smiles. It's finally a relaxed moment for us too.    "Let's give them a little more time to rest" I commented, not wanting to rush them by still asking about the festival "Just a little bit…"    "Alright."    “Which means” I rise from him, grinning “we deserve it too."     He looks at me without much desire.    "Come on Jake, you've been busy getting Hannah's phone back and I almost killed Thomas" he laughs and I continues "so we're going to have our own proper break, too."    "Alright" I see that he puts on an interested look "And what is your plan?"    “Let's dance” he rolls his eyes and I turn around to prepare one of my playlists "and I won't take no for an answer."     When I turn to see him, I find him already standing before me, offering me his hand. I look at him shyly, I thought it was going to cost me, but no. What a surprise. I accept his hand and place the other on his shoulder, while he places one on my waist. We move slowly while Ed Sheeran's 'How do you feel' starts playing in the background. The atmosphere could not be more romantic.    "You really would like to be with them right now, would you not?" He asks me slowly "I have seen it on your face."     I make a face doubting whether to answer or not. But I can't fool you.    "Yes, I’d like that a lot." I say a little sadly "I want to protect them."    "They will be far from Duskwood, don't worry."    "Wouldn't you like to be there too?" I ask at the same time that he makes me spin on the spot. I thought that he didn't know how to dance and that's why he had pouted. I wonder who taught him.    “I think would feel incredibly out of place."    "But you wouldn't be" I reach out to him, trying to wrap my arms around his neck, though I manage to grab my hands. But it's okay, because we're pretty close together "You’d be exactly where you belong" I whisper, looking into his eyes, little by little it's hard for me to breathe ", with them... With me..."     Jake eases his hand down my face, up to my lips, resting his thumb under them. He fixes his eyes on mine, intense. He leans in slowly as he also tilts my chin up, our lips brushing against each other.    "You give me the feeling of belonging somewhere for the first time in my life..."     I don't know which of the two takes the step. I don't know if he or me. But finally our lips meet. It's a slow kiss, one of those you see in the movies and you don't want them to ever stop, because it was what you most expected to see. I try not to be clumsy, because I don't even remember how to kiss, I let him guide me a bit, although… I also notice him nervous.

 In the end, we managed to calm our nerves and I even ran my hands through his hair, making sounds of satisfaction as I felt his tongue play with mine. Jake runs his hands down my back, down to below my waist. He pulls me so close to him that it's like I'm going to melt into his body.

There comes a time when we need air and with a little sadness we separate a little. I can see it in his eyes. The desire. Will he see them in mine too? As if he understood me, I nod and slowly we approach the bed. He takes his hands to my blouse and begins to unbutton it and while I unbutton his pants. We later exchanged the task, until we were exposed. He stares at me, running his hand over my shoulder.    "Please…" I say, in a pleading voice "Please don't stop now…"    “I wanted to completely admire you” he answers, slowly starting to lay me down on the bed ", I have never been with an angel."     He takes my breath away listening to him speak. I don't hesitate to kiss him again, hugging him against my body.

 It has been even better than in my dreams. Jake's hands have traveled all over my body, leaving no place without being caressed. And now I can say with more certainty that he is good with his hands. But it's not just that, it was because of the affection that he treated me, although his eyes looked hungry, he was as careful as possible, even when he left kisses on my neck, telling me that he was going to make me forget about the pain. Sometimes I even begged him to kiss me, I envy my body, it was being kissed by him, but my lips wanted another kiss. Another kiss that silenced my moans. Ah… He really knew how to handle the situation. Had he also dreamed of this? Had he wanted it too? I think from the way he pronounced my name, he seemed like he had been doing it all his life. Or so I wanted to believe.

 I had finally felt contact with his skin. My hands had run up his back, I was lucky I have short fingernails or he would be marked by me from how tightly I gripped to him.

 The music plays all over the room, it's romantic, slow. It's the perfect environment right now. I admire him as I lie on top of him and his hand slowly caresses my back. I can't stop smiling, I think I already know how it feels when you do things with love.    "What are you thinking about?" He asks me, giving me a smile.    "That I don't want tonight to end." I answered, approaching him a little more up to get to his face "And you?" I ask, tracing circles on his body.    "That you are better than the government and everyone who is after me." he says with a laugh.    "Why?"    "Because you were the only one to catch me."     I kissed him intensely after hearing his words. Jake tries to pull me closer to him, as if that's possible. There was not a gap between us. We were finally where we wanted. Together. If all the breaks we are going to have are like this, I think I will want to work a lot more to have this reward.

 My phone rings and I complain. I didn't want the job so soon.    "They claim you." he whispers into my lips.    "They can wait." I replied, giving him little kisses.    "Maybe it is about the case."     I grumbled. He's right. It can be important. I sit up getting out of bed, then I fall into something for a moment.    "Did you do it to see me standing up and naked?" I ask curiously.    "No, I swear." He replies, sitting up on the bed.     I frown, approaching him with the phone, seeing how he now smiles mischievously. I sit on top of him, kissing him again before seeing the message. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dan What’s up honey ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "It's Dan." I replied, resting my head on his chest.     I listen as Jake grumbles, reading it.    "Hey, I am going to take a shower, can you watch the computer?" He asks me, pointing "And so you talk a little with your friend." I hear how he drags the word and I laugh.    "Okay, as soon as I'm done, I'll go." I replied, letting her get up.    "Do not let him entertain you too much." I see his back as he picks up new clothes. The famous tattoo I can finally see it completely.     I bite my lip when I see him. It's much better than I imagined.    “Stop looking at me like that.” he tells me, even though his back is turned.    "It's not my fault you're so sexy." I tell him, sitting up on my knees in bed.     Jake leans in and kisses me, caressing my body slowly.    "Do not be long..." he whispered.    "I won't…"     He separates from me going to the bathroom and I admiring him. I grabbed his sweatshirt from the floor and put it on to cover me while I got cold, sitting in the chair to talk to Dan. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Macie That’s Macie to you

 Dan You have taken a long time to answer Where were you? In the bathroom? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     <<No, with the sexiest guy in the world.>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Macie Doing some exercise to defeat the man without a face 😜

 Dan Haha, very good that one! Aren’t we in a merry mood today You have no idea how good it is to finally by out of that hellhole of hospital

 Macie I think ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 He hands me a picture of him with his Wishkey glass in hand. Well, despite everything, I'm glad he's okay… But I'm mad at him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Macie So, what’s up with that fancy new wheelchair you’ve got?

 Dan Don’t know what you mean ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 I pass him the proof that Cleo sent me. He's not going to get away from this. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Dan Hahaha Do you like it?

 Macie But that’s just temporary, right?

 Dan Yeah ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 I try to get him to confess that he had left the hospital. What was he thinking? He still had a little more to recover, it was okay to wait a bit. At least in the hospital he was safe. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Macie Why would you do this?!

 Dan You’re one to talk I’d have expected you to be here before me Because you are in Duskwood And you're all alone You aren’t the one who should be angry with me, but the other way around

 Macie Hey! Don't give it back to me! Unfortunately mine is for work I have to get up early But I accept your concern, Dan, even though I'm fine. 

Dan How not to worry, little detective If it had been you instead of me You would have done the same

 Macie Maybe, who knows Probably 😒 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe if Jake and I hadn't met here, I probably would have gone with them. I knew that at the moment he can't show himself to more people, too risky. Only three people know what Jake looks like: Hannah, Lilly, and me. The people closest to him at the moment. And it's risky enough for him to do it. It will always be so.

Dan hands me a photo of the girls and Thomas, talking quietly by the campfire, though Thomas seems a little more lost in thought of him. Thinking about our conversation for sure. In Hannah. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Macie So it's about protecting others? I warn you, if anything happens to you...

 Dan Then what?

 Macie Then I'll personally make sure you never leave that wheelchair again

 Dan Oh my I’m much more afraid of you than of that raven dude. Totally If that feathered freak really comes here Then I’m the only one who’d have the guts to do anything And you know it And I owe it to Richy ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 I massage my temple. Unbelievable… Dan was risking perhaps losing his life a second time. And by the least indicated person. Still, he's an incredibly cool guy, I have to admit. When he doesn't go stupid and open up, you can clearly see that he's not like everyone else thinks too. I don't know, I think  of him as the older brother of the group. I welcome him to the group of detectives and he laughs.

 We received a group message, Cleo wants a meeting with everyone.

 I wait for the news when I get a message from Hannah's phone. There was a connection again and I was already starting to ask myself when he would text me again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Unknown Do you remember what I told you on the phone? I'm coming, Macie And I am going to kill them all

 Hannah I won't let you I really feel sorry for you I understand you At least I’m trying to understand you It’s been ten long years You saw no other way of finding peace Give up and tell me where you are ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bite my nail, nervous. Hoping my words work. He don't have to go through with this. Just that everything comes out honestly. It will make his situation worse if he continues like this, he won't look any better than Hannah.

 I get the messages. Messages that scare me to read. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Unknown I set a trap for you And you didn’t even realized *Jake POV* 

I did not think I would break the rule I set for myself about not involving my feelings towards someone when I had to leave home. I was alone for four years. No friends, no family, no co-workers… No one. Me and my mental conversations. Changing places every month. There was nothing I cared about and I didn't have to worry about anyone but myself. 

Well, that day I met her, the days I spent with her, that rule was breaking more and more and the barrier that I imposed on me became thinner. 

Tonight I have forgotten all the rules written in my head to feel Macie in my arms. I have forgotten why I am really here or what I had done in the past to end up losing everything. Because she has made me feel that I do not need anything more than her to be complete. 

I have loved every part of her and I have not been able to restrain myself from whispering her name on some occasions or kissing her neck so as not to leave any trace of what that man did to her. Now only the traces of kisses that I had left her remained. There is nothing about her that I have forgotten to caress or kiss.

Macie is taking a while to come to the bathroom, could something have happened to the group? Has something happened to Lilly? I finished showering and I grab the towel, wrapping it around my waist. When I come out, I see her sitting on the chair with my sweatshirt on. It's quite big on her... I do not know if I will want to wash it now that she is wearing her scent.    "Is everything alright, Macie?" I ask concerned "You took a long time."    "Yes, sorry, the talk with Dan has been extended."     I lean towards her and kiss her. Every time I do it, my mind does not think of anything other than making her mine again... Does that sound bad? I do not want to sound possessive, but I can not stop thinking about something else right now.    "Now I'm the one asking you if you're okay." She tells me with a laugh.    "I was… thinking."    "Oh yeah?" Macie stands up, playing with my towel. She is tempting me too much "in what?"    "I'm sure you already know that." I whispered, starting to slowly pull the sweatshirt up.     We are going to kiss again and her cell phone rings. I see on the screen that it is a video call with Lilly. Just in case, I back off a bit.    “Hello Lilly.” Macie says, sitting up on the bed.     I sit next to her, watching closely.    "Hi Macie." I see her looking everywhere "Are you “busy”?"    "It depends on the definition." she replies, looking at me with tempting eyes.     I try not to get nervous, because on top of that, it is my sister she is talking to. Now I do not know if I prefer that they get along like before so as not to go through this or that they be friends so that I do not have to worry about the situation of splitting myself in two.    "Well, I'm sorry to spoil your moment" she sighs, genuinely annoyed for interrupting us. "In case you didn’t see it in the group chat, Cleo just ask us to come in to discuss something.” She focuses on the ground for a second "I thought that you shouldn't be excluded and that's why I called you."     She walks into the house and we see Cleo and Thomas sitting up and Dan in the wheelchair. A 'What going in?' had been heard in the distance. Jessica.    "Guys, I called Macie too" Lilly announces "she's also part of the group and she's probably interested it."     I see that she turns the cell phone around for them to greet her.    “Hello Macie” Cleo says “. I'm glad Lilly brought you over too."    "I never miss a party, even if it's virtually." she replies, in an amused tone.     I avoid laughing so they won't hear me.    "Well, this party is over" Cleo looks angry, her arms crossed. I do not like this ". Sit down” she tells him, looking at Jessica ". So I was actually looking for a lighter, but instead, I found this." She turns a little and takes out a gun naturally, leaving it on the table.   I watch Macie look worriedly at the gun. Jessica gets up scared and Dan adjusts his glasses to see the gun.    "What the f-" Jessy has a terrified look on her face.    "Is this a real one?" Thomas asks, in a tone of genuine surprise.    “Yep.” Dan picks up the gun for a second and puts it down again.    "Well? Whose is it?" Cleo asks, pointing at it.    “Definitely not mine.” Jessica replies.     Macie seems to scan their faces, looking for the person who had taken it. Some reaction. Dan is completely calm and Thomas shakes his hands.

In the background we begin to hear the slight sound of a cell phone.    "You hear that?" Jessica asks, looking at them all. "It's coming from the hallway."     One by one they begin to move away from the table, except for Dan who does it slowly because of his wheelchair.    “Hannah's phone.” Thomas says.     He is the first to enter the room and turn on the light. He could hear the phone much more closely thanks to Lilly.    "A call..."    Jessica goes over to the phone to see who she is and she looks at them confused.    "No number." she says, not knowing what to do.    “Pick it up.” Cleo orders.     Frightened, Jessica accepts the call.    "Hello?"    "I know where you are now!" A distorted voice sounds through the other line "You were too confident, but you fell into my trap."    "What?" I see Macie's face, expression completely changing. She was beginning to be afraid for her friends.     I go straight to the computer, to see how he could possibly know where they are now.    "I'm coming now" I hear Michael's words clenching my teeth angrily ", and then I am going to end this."    "What the-" I hear Jessica say, after that a scream.    "Guys?!" Macie yells.     I move away from the computer to get closer to her.    "What's going on?" I ask nervously.    "I-I don't know! The lights!"    "Stay on the cell phone." I commanded as I returned to the computer, to find out why he knew where they were.

    According to the data, it seemed that the cell phone's GPS was the cause of the location. Shit, it was my fault, I should have paid attention. I try to see what other things they could also have located and I read some messages. Macie had talked to Michael. And she hadn't told me. I look at her and she seems more relieved looking at the phone screen.

 Why have she been keeping these messages from Michael from me?

Chapter 38

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

liz 🫶🏽🫶🏽 i understand why you're thinking abt leaving, but i have reasons why you shouldnt. i really hope this brings back some of your faith in us, bc i havent really done much to keep it 🙏🙏🙏

you're VERY talented.

i feel like there's not much to elaborate on this? like, i've been stalking a few of my (now mutual) amazing fic writers and artists for a while, even before i got an official account, but you've always been one of the first.

2. you're inspiring to ALL.

one of the first leon fics that i ever read were one of yours. back when i first got on here, your account was recommended to me first, and im so so so glad that it was. you were someone that wrote leon, and the further i delved, the more i realized that you were really talented, not just a horny teenager looking to get likes. you were ACTUALLY WRITING. and that's so so inspiring because let's be fr, who does that anymore? ik for a fact that a lack of likes gets me discouraged (but that might be my praise kink yapping)

3. your fic ideas are so creative AUGH

honestly? sometimes i wish i could go back in time and just... think of that idea first, because they are always stunning. especially your cool mom's countdown, that had me enamored. i looked up to you and thought, if she could brush herself off and get up, write this and still manage her life outside of writing, i could at least try, right? so i have you and a multitude of others to thank for this, but you for being my first inspiration on here.

4. you're very mature about everything.

in the sense that personally i would freak any time i get anon hate in my inbox, you handle things very well, like a cool older sister (not the one that gets in fights and gets expelled, but the one that's calm and calculating. i've always seen you like that, not an insult, but a compliment <3) having an online presence is hard when people hate on you, and i'd just like to say one more thing

5. you are NOT unoriginal.

i have no idea where the fuck those asks are coming from, saying that ur unoriginal and that ur dialogue is repeated, because it's not???? everything you write is well thought out and precise, even if you hadn’t meant it to come across that way. not to mention that ur blog is one of the very few that i’ve seen that actually has a set theme, in this case, the music! the demos, the singles; a lot of work went into it, and i dont know why the fuck people aren’t appreciating it and instead hating, but lets end on a good note, which brings me to

6. we respect your decision.

this is not to get you to change your mind, please never think of this that way. i’ll completely understand if you still want to go through with becoming an archive idea, because that is always up to you and don’t ever feel pressured to do something you don’t want to. this is more of a response to the hate that you’re getting for no reason, and also just because i feel like i haven't really been showing up, as of late? i’ll always look up to you, no matter what you choose <3

ily!! made my day with this one, sweetheart (i didn't see a name on your blog, so i hope that's an okay name for you)

people like you make me want to stay (and i'm never going to stop writing, i've been in love with writing since long before tumblr), but if i stop posting/post less, we can always chat in the dms/discord :)

the horny teen thing made me laugh bc i was a melodramatic hopeless romantic teen who wrote poetry during class - for better or worse, i feel like poetry being my introduction to writing (and ultimately, what i like most/think i'm best at) shows in the way i write fic sometimes?

i'm happy to hear that you find my fic ideas original because i feel like my creativity/imagination is limited, especially when i'm not into AU's and such (i'm so stuck on making characters not OOC). i feel like this is different from a lot of writers but brainstorming and plotting is my least favorite part of writing, like i love the actual writing things down part and even the editing sometimes! this is such a random side note but i always see posts about people being like "i have an idea but i don't want to write it out" and i'm like omg pls feed me the idea, i would love to write it!

(also, i don't really have a life outside of writing at least atm... which definitely contributes to my whole emotional state rn)

i don't think i've ever been called mature before lol! i'm glad it seems like i'm handling things right but ik it's probably best to ignore anons, i'm just the type of person who won't start fights but won't back down from them either? i also think a lot of the people are easy to clown on lol

the older sister comment makes me want to cry, genuinely bc i am an older sister in real life (to my brother, who is my favorite person in the world) but i've been writing and thinking a lot about how i wish i could go back in time and be my own big sister (not to get too deep, but i wish i could hug baby me :( )

the funny thing about my theme is that i actually feel like it's v disorganized (tho i love maximalism and color and it is v me, plus i had to do a disco theme for miss oranje)

if i did quit this blog, which i doubt i will entirely bc i still want to support other people even if i post less of my own stuff, i would definitely leave it as an archive or leave some way for people to read my fics because I HATE when authors delete their fics, like i totally get orphaning a work on ao3 if that's something you want to do but as much as i don't like some of my older fics and might do a revised version of not old enough in the future, ik that there's probably someone out there who loves that fic and would be sad if it was gone

btw i am trying not to cry bc i'm in the same room as my dad and it would be awkward but "i look up to you" is quite possibly the biggest compliment i've ever received, like that means a lot to me because i struggle with the idea that younger me wouldn't like me now so the fact that someone else finds me worth looking up to for any reason at all makes my heart cry tears of joy

also, you have absolutely been here for me, like every reblog/comment on my fic makes me so happy, and ik a lot of people don't have the time to leave comments and such so it makes my heart smile knowing that you put in that time and care!

[smalltownfae]

Top 10 Favourite Middle Grade Books

I say middle grade, but I am including young YA too and at least one that is categorized as for children. Either way, this is my current top favourite books for younger audiences (I would say before the age of 15). I have read some of these many years ago and I haven’t reread them since so this is according to my memory of the feelings I had at the time. It is bound to change as I read more books. I don’t read many books for younger audiences nowadays, but I think they are charming and I have a soft spot for those published before the 00s because it feels nostalgic to me somehow.

1 - Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones

This is one of my favourite books in general. It would be in my top 10 favourite books of all time because I love the Howl, Sophie and the humour so much. I’ve watched the studio ghibli adaptation first and even though I thought it was beautiful visually I ended up thinking the story just ok and I found it weird that the second half was so much different from the first half of the movie. A few years later, a friend that loves Realm of the Elderlings made me attempt the book and since we have many media tastes in common I did. It was the best decision ever because I completely loved it. The characters have so much more personality and the story makes much more sense.

The book is about Sophie’s character growth, but Howl feels as equally important. It is very funny and I love the banter between the two main characters, but it’s also very creative and a little bit mysterious. It’s such an incredibly well plotted story about making your own destiny and finding your own power and it’s also about family and caring for others. It’s just a very charming book that I read 3 times already even though I read it for the first time only 3 years ago or so. It’s also really short so that helps.

“If I give you a hint and tell you it's a hint, it will be information.”  

2 - The Chronicles of Prydain by Lloyd Alexander

I read this series of 5 books last year and this year I finished the short story collection. This series feels very nostalgic to me because it has many classic fantasy tropes. It’s a coming of age story about a boy named Taran that wants to go on adventures, but when he finds himself in the middle of that he just longs to go home and it’s also a story about magic leaving the world and the pain of those who left and those who stay. A very classic tale with some similarities to Lord of the Rings, beautifully told and it feels very cosy. It’s also inspired by Welsh mythology and it has morals woven into it for children, but done in a clever way.

I know I watched the Disney adaptation titled the Black Cauldron once as a kid, but I don’t remember anything about it because I didn’t care for the movie. From what I’ve heard they made a mess of trying to combine the first two books and it lost the charm of the source material.

“There is much to be known… and above all much to be loved, be in the turn of the seasons or the shape of a river pebble. Indeed, the more we find to love, the more we add to the measure of our hearts.”

3 - The Changeling Sea by Patricia A. McKillip

This is the only McKillip book I read that I think is suited  for younger audiences. The other ones feel like older YA to me. A friend made me see the similarities this book has with Howl’s Moving Castle in terms of plot, but this book is not as funny. It is sad and sometimes melodramatic. It follows a young girl that lost her father to the sea as she gets involved in the mystery surrounding a prince. The girl works at an inn near the sea and I found the setting very cosy. The story is magical and tackles the subjects of greed, identity and family.

A lot of McKillip’s books feel like original fairy tales and are told in a lyrical prose. This is one of the most straight forward and easy to follow out of all her books.

“I don’t know what to do. What must I do? I belong to the sea and it will not let me in, and I cannot bear this land and it will not let me go.”

4 - The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle

I enjoy the movie (which I once again watched many years before I read this), but I like the book more. The writing style is beautiful and the story, much like McKillip’s books, feels like an original fairy tale. It follows a unicorn that overhears that she is the last of her kind so she goes on an adventure to see if that’s true. She finds some companions along the way and there is an evil guy. On the surface, it’s a traditional fantasy story, but it has some little changes that make it more interesting. Once again, it’s a story about identity (I really like those) and can be a bit melodramatic.

“Take me with you. For laughs, for luck, for the unknown. Take me with you.”  

5 - The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame

This book could be higher if it wasn’t for Mr. Toad. I really didn’t like him or the plot around him, but I love everything else so much that it is still currently in 5th place. The writing in this is really pretty and charming and the animal characters are adorable for the most part. I don’t even tend to like books about anthropormorphic animals, but since this one worked so well for me that I want to try more of those.

This is a story about the lives of four wood creatures. That’s it. It doesn’t seem like much, but I always enjoyed slice of life and scenes where the characters just talk and reveal bits of themselves so this was great. There is a lot of thinking about having a home and if it would be more fullfilling to stay in one place or to go on an adventure.

This book is put in all the cottagecore recommendation lists and for a good reason. It’s really nice and comfortable like a warm blanket (if you forget Mr. Toad exists, that is).

“Spring was moving in the air above and in the earth below and around him, penetrating even his dark and lowly little house with its spirit of divine discontent and longing.”  

6 - His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman

So, this could be higher if the two books that followed the first one were as good. The first one is still my favourite, but I still enjoyed the other two (especially one particular scene in the last book). The first one was the only book in this trilogy to make me tear up though and books that make me cry usually get on the top of my lists. It’s just the way it is. I don’t think this one needs an introduction. The themes about religion are cool and I love Lyra and her mother.

Once again, I watched the movie first and I didn’t hate it (which seems to be an unpopular opinion). A few years after I decided to try the books because someone reminded me of their existence and they were pretty good. This placement in the top is mostly due to that first one though.

“The idea hovered and shimmered delicately, like a soap bubble, and she dared not even look at it directly in case it burst. But she was familiar with the way of ideas, and she let it shimmer, looking away, thinking about something else.”  

7 - The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams Bianco

This is probably the book I read the longest time ago on this list, except from the one in 10th place. All I remember about it is that the Velveteen Rabbit wanted so much to be a real rabbit and that it made me cry. I definitely need to reread it, but I remember really really liking it at the time.

“You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”  

8 - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

I only read the first one and I am unsure if I will ever continue. If I do I will have to reread it. I remember really liking it, but it had heavy religious messages here and there.  The tv show improved upon it. Still, it had a pretty writing style and the characters were really charming. I loved Anne and her adoptive “parents”, Diana and Gilbert. This is also another book that would fit in cottagecore lists. It has a similar atmosphere to The Wind in the Willows.

“People laugh at me because I use big words. But if you have big ideas, you have to use big words to express them, haven't you?”  

9 - Coraline by Neil Gaiman

I remember the movie more than I remember the book, to be honest. I know that there were differences between the original and the adaptation but I only remember a few things. This was an interesting creepy tale and I liked it a bit more than The Graveyard Book so here it is. I need to reread this one soon.

“Now you people have names. That's because you don't know who you are. We know who we are, so we don't need names.”

10 - The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I haven’t read this one since primary school. I remember really liking it though and there was a fox in it, which was enough for child me. It had some really cute messages about connecting with others and I remember vaguely that every planet the little prince talked about had his own moral message, but I only remember the greed one. This is another book I want to reread soon.

“In those days, I didn't understand anything. I should have judged her according to her actions, not her words. She perfumed my planet and lit up my life. I should never have run away! I ought to have realized the tenderness underlying her silly pretensions. Flowers are so contradictory! But I was too young to know how to love her.”  

[liquorisce]

it’s been so long since i’ve hung out here. i miss my anonymous friends, i hope u guys are well and thriving!

since this is still my writing blog, i figured i would write here about my writing and what i’m working on, and what i’m not working on.

i recently posted boy next door, which i am actually really in love with, and have completed 75% of, so for the first time ever i have SOME confidence in finishing it. i feel like it is the type of story that is so natural that there will never really be a perfect conclusion. But some meaningfully literary conclusion is plausible, lol, so i will attempt it. i am also really floored by the comments I’ve received. they’ve been really encouraging and kind, and some felt like I was being congratulated by a group of peers who have grown with me and seen changes in my writing style that i thought no one apart from me would ever notice or care about. in that way, fandom is kind of amazing because it feels like we are all in some sort of cohort together, and even in this vast space of chaos I have found some friends, and some kind souls who I can chat with in corridors, who peep in occasionally and see what I’m doing and encourage me positively in a personal manner. I am able to return this to others too. That’s pretty cool.

i had a tough situation with my health, or rather my inability to handle my health problems in an adult manner, but after many weeks of deleting social media apps and forceful grass-touching (extensive physiotherapy), i am trying to visit the online areas of my life again in moderate frequencies, because this is where I get to feel like a writer. I do not get to feel like a writer in my 40h a week IT consultancy job LOL. There are no artists for miles, unfortunately and it feels like I’m going insane sometimes, being around normies. (jk, maybe… not)

people have asked if i’m giving up on idily and i’m really not, the next chapter is just a tricky one, so it’s taking a while. We are now moving into a really plot-heavy part of the story, which is definitely new territory for me as far as my skills are concerned, so I’m doing a lot of writing ideas and staring at unmoving pages etc. It’s fine, I’m not despairing, as long as I’m still in love with the general story we’ll get somewhere. I will post chap 10 after I have written Chap 11 as well I’m thinking, so that I can be a bit more certain of how we’re moving with this story. Either way, expect rewrites and detail revisions bc I’m unreliable.

Darling - which is largely just a personal project that I envision in the shape of Ymir and Historia (and Rod Reiss) - will also resume. The way Darling gets updated is like so: it feels like a fever dream of craziness, all tinted red and then I get desperate and open my gdocs and blurt out some melodramatic shit. It’s an interesting process and maybe I can make it work bc the whole point is that the story is told through the form of “love letters” from an unreliable narrator. It’s fun, and kind of crazy, and I hope I can finish it this year.

as the life of a fic writer is constantly burdened by wips, i decided to try @/ betts’s method of triaging wips. (her writing advice is amazing, gospel). so realistically these are the three stories i will update this year (and hope foolishly to complete): Darling, IDILY & Boy Next Door. If I finish even one, I’m throwing a party fr. But I will try my best at all 3, regardless. Oh, and I’m participating in a KV Mini Bang (Trigun), so I will be posting an absolutely filthy one shot by the end of the year. But this means ALL other stories are either Rolled off to next year or abandoned. I will make another post about the specifics once I am done with the diagnosis part of the triage. But I feel kinda happy that I am limiting my scope to this for the year (it’s still a LOT, lol).

In terms of original writing: I have quite some ideas floating around… some have made it onto their own google docs, some are flowing via rewrites (bylb for example) and have made moderate progress, another is vaguely brewing in my mind in a way that makes me want to write a short story of it first and try to submit it somewhere first… or post it on ao3 lol, idk. but the idea is exciting: it is an indian sapphic love story which goes strong on the forbidden love themes (and infidelity). it’ll be the first time i’m writing something that is so close to my experience growing up, so i am curious to see how that turns out.

anyway, i’m going to try to do this more often, i.e, at least once more before the year ends :)

(if anyone is reading) see u next time!

[lightlycareless]

First, it hurts— Chapter XXXIII

Naoya Zen’in x Fem!Reader

While arranged marriages are not uncommon in the jujutsu community, it was strange to receive a proposal from none other than the Zen’in’s, nonetheless your clan accepted and before you knew it, you were married off to Naoya.

Your new purpose was clear: to serve and submit, to be seen and not heard. To forget any sense of individuality in favor of obeying your husband.

Will this marriage ever flourish into something else? Will it change…for better or for worse?

Chapter warnings: because I’ve been asked about it quite frequently, it’s safe to say that… mentions of adultery, a bit of fluff while at it, some sad bits as well and a shocking revelation.

A/N: The storm might've tried to stop me... AND IT BRIEFLY DID, but I'm back at it again. :) Nothing much to say, except that I'm happy to be back hehe. Thank you for waiting for me 🥺❤️

Now, without any further ado, happy reading! 🥰

Masterlist ➸ Chapter 34

Ao3 link.

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“Dear Hinata—

I hope this letter finds you well.

I’m still not used to writing that, the dear Hinata thing. It reminds me of those really old letters, like those from the Victorian Era or the war, when people used to be very polite and stuff, super formal, even with their own friends and family! I don’t know how to describe it… it was just weird. I hope you get what I mean.

But yeah, reading back through my letters after I'm done writing them always makes me laugh because I think I’m being melodramatic.

In my excuse, it’s all because of those etiquette classes we were forced to take since we learned how to walk. Ugh, and only because of our roles in the clan! Which I don’t mind! Really… but sometimes the elders tend to be very weird about it, and it makes me feel like they don’t deserve to be treated respectfully at all! And I know that you, more than anyone else, would understand perfectly.

Ah, well, I’m not writing to you to complain about my experiences, I’m doing this because… there’s no other way to put it: I miss you.

It’s been a while since I heard anything from you, or anything at all. And I’m not writing either to complain about that! I don’t want you to feel guilty for not responding because I know you've been very busy with work. 

Last thing I knew about the crisis was that it was getting worse. It was already bad on my last mission, so I can only imagine how it is now.

Either way, even when I understand why you can’t respond, it’s still… painful to not hear anything from you. I wish I could at least get one letter from you, a call, even a smoke signal for god’s sake, I don’t care, anything to let me know how you, Ren, dad, and everyone else is doing.

I hope Satoru isn’t bothering you too much, Sumire as well. I am well aware how annoying they can be on their own, so I feel even worse knowing that I can’t help you ease the burden of their antics ^^; hang on, Hinata!!

As for me, life here has been… ok, I guess. The life of a married woman is surprisingly boring and overwhelming at the same time, but I think it’s mainly because there’s so many new things I now have to take care of that I ever thought of before! Mom and dad sure made it seem so fun… or maybe it’s just them.

Anyways, now that I’ve experienced a bit of the “married life” I’m now confident enough to tell you that you did the right thing when not marrying Satoru. 

Being a wife is boring, you’re expected to keep most of your time inside the house, tending to it and its inhabitants… So yeah, I wouldn’t recommend it to you. Although I think Satoru could’ve managed to also make it irritating. 

But yeah, being a sorcerer is much more exciting, totally. I wish I could’ve done a few more missions before retiring.

That kind of makes my life sound terrible, right? Like I’m locked or something. Please, don’t worry. I’m ok, busy, but ok. Just missing you, and Ren. 

I hope dad is ok too. He worries me the most. I hope he hasn’t taken up on drinking again. You know how bad he gets when he does… so please, take care of him if possible.

From there, I don’t really have anything new to say. My ladies, Mariya, Haruko and Hitomi, have been quite calm nowadays, and that’s a bit eerie if you ask me! I hope you can meet them one day. 

Or Mai and Maki, I think you’d find them adorably funny too! And mischievous, mostly that. They kind of remind me of us when we were younger. Oh, but they’re definitely way nicer, we used to be our parent’s nightmare, remember?

All in due time, I suppose.

Well… I guess the main point of this letter is to tell you that I miss you, very, very much. That I hope you’re ok and… don’t worry about me. Keep doing what you’re doing, and I’ll be here, waiting for the day I can see you again.

Take care, and give everyone a big hug from my part.

Yours truly, Y/N.

P.S. Please Stop Satoru from getting the idea that just because I’m not there, my things are his. They’re not. And please, please, please don’t let him delete my save files. I do intend on playing them again when possible”

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And that’s how much of your discreet, seemingly harmless letters seem to go—an activity that took most of your attention when you weren’t the Lady of the House or Mai and Maki’s older sister.

One that would quickly become your go-to method when trying to ease the pain in your heart, even if Hinata has yet to write back, thanks to the catharsis it provided.

You’ve long lost count of how many letters you’ve written to her at this point. It’s in the double digits without a doubt, but not all of them have been sent. Because… not all of them were intended to be read.

And since they’re not meant to be seen… you don’t limit yourself when writing your thoughts down—whether they were good, or bad,  none of that mattered once the ink fell into the paper.

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“Dear Hinata—

I wish you could meet him, but who knows when that will happen, so for now, I’ll tell you about him.

Naoaki is the best guy I have ever met in my life. I swear.

He’s sweet and caring, sometimes a bit blunt and a little bit weird too (in a good way!), but that doesn’t undermine what a great person he truly is. 

Just to give you an example, I once told him that I liked mochi, and since then, he gets some for  me whenever he can! I’ve had so much mochi in such a short time… maybe for a lifetime because of him. Although it’s not all bad, I got to taste all kinds of flavors I didn’t even know existed! Still, taro remains the best. 

Although I have to admit that I feel kind of bad whenever he brings me stuff, because it’s like I’m forcing him to do that, you know? Even though he already told me that it’s nothing to worry about and that he actually likes doing it… Can you believe he’s even told me he likes doing that… because he likes thinking about me? The mere thought of it makes me blush!

I’ve had these kinds of things happen to me before, but never… like this. It’s different, special… and yet, I’m afraid of acknowledging these feelings. Why?

Well, moving on… You must be wondering what he looks like. All I can say is that he’s very cute—or more like cool! Like a bad boy kind of thing (∩˃o˂∩) 

Oooh, I hope Naoaki never gets to read this letter, because if he does, I think I’ll die!!

But yeah, no amount of words could ever compare to meeting him in person. I’m sure once you meet him you’ll like him too… not too much, I hope (  •̀ - •́  ) Just kidding!

I hope Ren likes him too, since he can be quite… protective sometimes. You know what? Nevermind, the two of you can be like that, dad too!—guess that’s the one thing I don’t miss about you three—now I’m hesitant if I want any of you to meet him, you’ll probably scare him while at it! 

Well, I’m sure neither will feel that way with him. He really, really is… special.

I long for the day I’ll be able to see you all again. Take care.

Yours truly, Y/N.”

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“Dear Hinata—

I hope you’re ok with the fact that I’m no longer the youngest sister, because our family has grown thanks to the addition of the adorable twins Mai and Maki!

Mai is very sweet and soft spoken, rarely gets herself into trouble… or so that’s what she wants you to believe, because when you least expect it, she’s a mischievous little demon! I’ve already lost count of the times I’ve been spooked by her, and I’m 100% sure she’d give Satoru a run for his money—imagine all the things we could’ve planned together to get back at him? With guidance from us, the masters, Mai can be an excellent addition to our cause, and an unstoppable force ᕙ(  •̀ ᗜ •́  )ᕗ !!

But if you think that Mai is unstoppable, Maki is on a whole different level! She’s a bit rougher than her, although I think assertive is the right word for this situation… But don’t be fooled, for deep inside, she’s very sweet too. She’s caring and very protective of Mai and her mother, and isn’t afraid of speaking her mind. She kind of reminds me of you, and I think you two would definitely get along well. Also, I think I finally found your competition in her! Whenever we play she seems to never run out of energy, she’s also very strong, and sharp… is that even possible for a little girl like her? Maybe, you exist after all (￢‿￢ )

I wonder what Ren and dad would think of them—I know my mom would’ve loved them.

Yours truly, Y/N.”

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“Dear Hinata—

Have you ever seen something you weren’t supposed to? I promised not to tell anyone, but the embarrassment is killing me! So I need to tell someone, and that someone is you.

I saw… one of my ladies… with her boyfriend… doing… that. Kind of. Yeah. I don’t need to say more than that. And please don’t ask me to go into detail. 

Obviously it wasn’t on purpose!! It was all an accident, but even if everything’s fine now, I still can’t get the image out of my head!!!

It was like… I don’t know, like when you hear that one of your teachers is pregnant. Like, sure, one can suppose those things happen in their personal life… but you don’t want to be told about them, you know?? Ugh!! The mental image!! Ewwww!!!

But ah, it certainly feels good to finally tell someone. I’ve been holding onto this secret for the longest because the rest of my staff doesn’t know, and can’t know because of some stupid details on their contract, but who am I to judge? Nonetheless, it was killing me!! But now you know too.

Now it’s only you, her, and me that knows this. So if this somehow leaks to the rest… I’ll know it was you! (◕‿◕)

Well, I can’t wait to see you again. Give Ren, dad, Sumire, and Satoru (optional) a big hug from me.

Yours truly, Y/N”

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“Dear Hinata—

I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya.

I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya.

I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya. I hate Naoya.

Yours truly, Y/N”

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“Dear Hinata—

…Does Kento ever wonder about me? Because I do. There’s moments where I can’t stop thinking about him, wondering if he knows where I am, what I’m doing now—or if he thinks I’ve abandoned him. 

I hope not…

Well, I’m sure you and Ren already managed that, so I guess there’s really nothing to worry about. Or perhaps he already found out what happened to me by himself. You know how Kento is, always the one to seek out the truth when something’s aggravating him…

Still, I wish I was the one who told him that personally. If only I had the time to do that… then maybe I wouldn’t feel like this. 

Do you think he ever foresaw me getting married? Maybe because of our clan, but… I, for once, did not think it would happen, not like this anyways.

And there’s so many things that I missed from him too—like how he’s doing at his job, if he’s already moved to where he told me he was going… or maybe even a promotion! 

I can’t believe I’m missing out on my friend’s life… and even if nothing has occurred, I still would’ve liked to be there. Take him out to eat to celebrate… or be the shoulder he can lament on.

…

I hope he'll be able to forgive me for not being there, and that I’ll also be able to make it up to him in due time.

Please let him know I’m ok, and that I miss him very, very much.

Yours truly, Y/N”

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“Dear Hinata—

I can’t hide it anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating whenever I have to swallow my feelings and act as if nothing is happening, when the truth is completely different.

I need to get them out, get all of my pain out, less I want to be consumed by it.

My life at the Zen’in estate has been nothing but a nightmare—no, more than that. Nightmares at least end when you wake up. But I haven’t been able to do that. Whether I’m awake, or asleep, this is never ending, every day, getting worse as each day passes.

I can only assume this is hell. 

The things I’ve been forced to go through just because of their depravity are ones I don’t think myself capable of writing down. The mere thought of them nauseates me, makes me want to run, as fast as I can and scream, to let everyone know what I have suffered… but I can’t, and I won’t, because I know no one will hear me.

Naoya has defiled my body, broken my spirit, humiliated me in all kinds of unimaginable ways, taken pride in it, and done it all over again.

But what hurts me the most isn’t what he did, but rather… how I allowed it.

There are days I can’t even stand the sight of myself in the mirror because all that I see is a weak woman that allowed herself to be soiled.

I lived through a lifetime of training, and yet, I couldn’t even stop him from hurting me.

Our family was right when saying that I wasn’t suited to be a sorcerer. Because how could I expect to protect others if I can’t even protect myself?

I’m weak. I’m a disappointment to you, to our family, to the community, and to myself.

Yet… you still wish to save me. You’re working so hard to get me out of here, as if I were worthy of your effort, while I’m unable to do the simplest of things…

I’m ashamed of all the things I’ve put you through. I wish to relieve you of all of this.

If only I could… die, stop being a burden to all of those that care for me, and just disappear… I know everyone would be much better.

I’m sorry”

━─━────༺༻────━─━

So on and so forth.

There’s no particular order behind these letters nor a general meaning to them—outside of being nothing more than a way to vent out the emotions you’re hesitant of disclosing to others, eventually sealing them in their respective envelope, and securely stashing them away from your staff and Naoaki, never to see the light of day.

There were days where your prolificness would show up after particular occurrences, making you fear for their privacy for you didn’t wish to appear… obvious that you were doing something outside the usual before your staff, especially from Mariya since nothing seems to escape her keen eye.

But if she has noticed such a thing, she’s yet to let you know. Well, you guess you could rest easily knowing she would never tell your secret to anyone else, and she’d never confront you directly about it either… but living with that uncertainty might come to torment you from time to time.

Ah, it’s probably all in your head either way. You’re more careful nowadays.

Nonetheless, you appreciate her prudence towards your sensitive matters… and the fact that you were able to find a good friend in this never-ending nightmare that is the Zen’in estate.

Three friends, to be precise: Haruko, Hitomi, and Mariya—they are the definition of loyal, understanding, and empathetic. Even after all that occurred… the horrible things you did to them… they still stood by your side, unwavering.

If there was only a way to repay all they’ve done for you… you’d take it without hesitation.

Or at least a better way from what you already tried. The sweets you got during your last outing were an attempt at that, but that’s only the least you could do and certainly not comparable…

So even after giving them what you labeled a token of your appreciation, you kept wondering day after day, just what else was in your power to show how truly grateful you were towards them…?

“What’s got your cute little head all worked up?”

“Hmm?” you blink, pulled away from the deep realm of your thoughts, back to the present and to the young man alongside you, Naoaki, alongside the wide variety of snacks your staff had prepared for your first break after a long day of overlooking your customary responsibilities. Just like everyday. 

His focused yet inquisitive golden eyes intently stare at you, and this prompts you to shake off whatever remained of your thoughts away, and finally conduct all of your undivided attention to him.

“Oh, nothing, I was just… thinking.” you say, what happens to be somewhat of a truth.

“I can see that” he says, inching a bit closer to your side before reaching over for a grape and offering it to you. It’s been a while since you snacked on something, too deep into your mind to have noticed. He was getting a bit worried, so that’s why he called for you. “That’s a dangerous thing to do, you know”

You give him a small smile before chuckling, cheeks slightly warming up by the action as you take the fruit from his hand. Fingers slightly grazing each other, but you don’t think much of it.

“What? Afraid that I might be plotting something dangerous?”

“Maybe” he smirks, and then shrugs.  “Gotta know if I have to prepare for the worst”

“Where’s the fun in that?” you tease back, then place the grape into your mouth. “I like to keep some mystery when plotting my evil schemes”

“You? Evil?” He ribbed. “Impossible”

“Huh? Why are you doubting me? I can be if I put my mind to it.” you sassed back.

“No, not a cutie like you—You and your mochi cheeks can be anything but evil” Naoaki smirks, raising his hand to carefully pinch your right cheek, and then, you’re overtaken by a combination of embarrassment and shock.

Frozen by his words, you’re unable to do anything else but try to back away from his hand, looking away being the quickest solution, before whispering once freed from him “...don’t say things like that”

“Or deceivingly evil too” he adds with a chuckle. Naoaki is clearly enjoying just how easy it is to get you all flustered. Cute is the word he uses to describe how he sees you. “Feeling better?”

“... a bit”  Once your embarrassment disappears, you turn back to him, now able to appreciate the intentions behind his unforeseen efforts. 

You don’t know how he does it, (or why in some of your most self-conscious moments) but it’s like he has a sixth sense when detecting whenever you’re feeling down—Perhaps it’s your glaring gloomy face and your uncharacteristic silence that gives it away—and how always knows how to make you happy. 

You truly can't believe you were blessed enough to meet him in a place like this.

“Did you like the candy?” you proceed to change subjects, one that you remember not following through due to both of your unavoidable commitments.

“I’m not that much into sweets, but I liked the few I tasted.” Naoaki admits as he leans back into his arm, sighing. You move closer to him, placing your arms alongside his and resting your head on his shoulder, gaze landing on the garden before the two—it's one of the few that still had some spring flowers, the others having already withered away due to the cold weather. In order to make the most of them before they inevitably disappear, this has become your go-to place whenever taking a break. “Now that I think about it, that makes me sound a bit ungrateful”

“No— of course not!” you shake your head; the last thing you wanted was your gift to be perceived as anything else but what you intended: appreciation. “I mean… I was just trying to repay you for all the things you’ve given and done for me… but there’s nothing more I would’ve liked than getting you something closer to your preference, but I—”

“Don’t worry about it” he interjects, swiftly cutting the path he thinks to be leading you back into sour memories. He’s stayed away until now, and Naoaki wants to keep it that way. “I still liked them. I just hope you don’t mind I shared them with Naohiko and Naofumi so they wouldn’t go to waste”

“Oh, you did?” you blink, and your interest is hooked at their mention.

It’s been quite a while since you saw either, even more so to when you last spoke to them.

The only exception being Naohiko, and that’s only because of the surprising interest he had towards one of your ladies. From there, it’s not hard to guess why he kept his distance from you: he doesn’t like you. And honestly? You’re ok with that. He’s not very friendly to begin with anyways.

Naofumi, however, is the one you have not seen at all after your introduction, aside from brief glances here and there, occasional greetings whenever he’s close enough to hear them, but from there, nothing. He’s virtually invisible, and that’s a shame, because you felt a certain affection towards him and would love to get to know him a bit better. Maybe Naoaki can arrange something…? 

“What did they think?” you ask.

“I hope you weren’t expecting much from Naohiko, since he’s kind of… how do I say it…?”

“A jerk?” you blurt out, and he huffs.

“Heh, guess there’s no other way to put it”

“Hmmm, well, it seems he’s only like that with me. Others would say he’s not that bad.” you say, and Naoaki raises an eyebrow.

“Now that’s a new one. Where did that come from?”

“Oh, nowhere.” you shrug, reaching for another grape. You intend to stuff it in your mouth as if to create an escape from being confronted and telling on more than you already have, but Naoaki, who came from a family of exceptional sorcerers, caught on to your intentions almost immediately, and swiftly robbed the grape from your hand, foiling your escape plan and causing you to drop your mouth agape out of shock. “Hey!”

“Ah, ah” he grins, raising his hand to keep the grape away from you as you scurry to grab it back, to no avail. “No grape for you until you tell me”

“Tell you what? I don’t know what you’re talking about!” you feign ignorance, or more like try to save Hitomi’s reputation, with a wide grin on your lips that implies something else. You might be a bit offended by his actions, but you can’t say you weren’t having fun.

“I’ve never heard anyone say that about my brother” he explains, face leaning closer to yours. You blush, darting your eyes away at the sudden proximity. “Come on, Y/N. Tell me— or I’ll be forced to keep you here. I don’t care if you have more things to do, you’re not leaving until you tell me.”

“Well then, I hope you’re comfortable with what you’re wearing because we’re spending the night here!” you declare, crossing your arms and looking away. He huffs, clearly impressed

“Seems I miscalculated your loyalty for your staff.”

“My staff?” you blink “Who said anything about—”

“Guess.”

Ah, Naohiko, of course. His well-known imprudence goes hand-in-hand with indiscretion. There is no way he would’ve been able to keep quiet about his newfound interest on the then newest addition to the staff, the dark yet beautifully mysterious Hitomi, without gushing about it to his brothers, of course. It’s physically impossible for him to do so.

“...Oh” you murmur, sounding a bit defeated. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Well, putting aside Naohiko’s opinion, Naofumi liked them very much. I’m telling you, you don’t find these kinds of things around the estate, so it's only obvious they'd jump at the chance of eating them—even if they don’t like it.” he reassures you with a smile, enjoying the way your face seems to light up at the seeming approval of one of his siblings. A sight he never wishes to take his eyes from… or better, earn it for himself. “Don’t worry your pretty little head about anything, I can assure you, they liked it”

“I wasn’t that worried about them…” you slowly begin to confess, cheeks slowly obtaining a crimson color as you glance from the garden before you, to his hands, and finally, up to his eyes.  “...I was more worried… about you.”

“Really?” he murmurs, his voice low and husky, in such a way that makes something inside you… burn, as he tilts his head to the side. 

Naoaki is moved by your admittance, however, he’s not surprised, for you often portray your care towards others, it was in your kind nature after all.

But the more he gets to be with you, the more he can’t help but think that, from a moment forward, there’s been an additional value behind your words, your actions; and he’s not talking about the night he cuddled you, he’s talking about something else, something deeper.

Something more meaningful, intimate between the two—a thing he longs for, yet, saddens him.

There’s no doubt in his mind that if the circumstances between the two had been completely different, without his brother lingering in the background, and no commitments holding you down, he wouldn’t be this hesitant. Perhaps you neither.

But after all that’s happened… is it… impossible? Maybe… there is something to be done.

“Do you think of me often?” he incites. “Because I do”

“…There’s no way to answer that” you press your lips together, swallowing before looking away once again—you can never look him in the eye like this, yet, as overwhelming as it feels, you don’t wish to run away.

“I think there is.” He says, moving his hand close to your lips, hovering over them and carefully placing the grape there, as if inviting you to let it in. 

You were hesitant, beyond flustered by the seemingly intimate undertone of his action and the consequences that it could unleash, but you eventually relent, slowly opening your lips and accepting the fruit.

But when you thought your agitation couldn’t worsen, the moment you feel the warmth from his fingertips slide over your lips your heart explodes.

It’s not the first time you’ve been this close to him, the most being when you shared a bed with him one particular night you were feeling like absolute garbage, but this… this is beyond that—and you know so because it feels like that. 

You’ve long admitted feeling the existence of a sprout, the smallest of them yet ever present, of what you assumed to be feelings for him. 

It took you a while to get there, still working on it in a way, mainly out of fear of doing something that might endanger you, or… not wanting to go past the point of no return when you finally acknowledge them.

It’s not time for that, you’d say to yourself from time to time, as if to feel less guilty for them this isn’t something you should be doing if you want to survive…

But if all he’s ever done is bring you happiness in this cold, dark world, keep you… hopeful, perhaps even motivated, to keep on fighting…

Is it really that bad to indulge in them?

Anyone else would’ve supposed not.

After chewing your grape, you look back up to him, only for your cheeks to flare up even more—was that even possible at this point?—for his golden eyes were firmly set on yours, and it might just be your imagination, but you feel as if he were… asking you to do something. Do more.

It’s like he could see the essence of your soul, and the turmoil in your thoughts, discarding everything else around you, and hypnotizing you to solely keep your attention on him and make a decision regarding your feelings.

But that moment was not to arrive just yet, and when his exposure felt too much for your poor heart to handle, as well as remembering your current position, you instinctively looked away, comfortingly reaching for another grape, and shoving it into your mouth, in order to bail you out of this situation.

Had you been alone, in the confines in your room with him, underneath this exact situation, would you have reacted the same way? Or finally take the next step?

“…A—Anyways” you murmur, voice strained, as you do your best to wash away the lingering sentiments of this sudden encounter while praying that this hadn’t ruined anything between the two. After all, there is a possibility you were just misinterpreting his actions…

Can you still say that after he admitted to wanting to be close to you, outside of a simple friendship?

“How’s—How’s work?”

Naoaki falters for a moment at your unexpected detour, frantically asking himself if he had overstepped and caused you to feel uncomfortable.

Maybe, but even then, he doesn’t allow this change to upset him that much—out of the necessary of course. Naoaki hates the possibility of hurting you, so much that he’s already thinking on how to make it up to you— for  he's long learned that these small moments with you are the ones he should value above anything else; if it’s meant to happen, it will… he supposes.

Instead, he smiles, holding back his disappointment and angst for longing something more, before continuing on with conversation.

“Busy, it’s been terrible. And it’s only getting worst since we’re getting close to the busiest day of the year” 

“Busiest day…?” you repeat, wasn’t that usually during summer?

“October, finals of” 

Oh. Right. It’s only the second busiest day of the year for sorcerers.

“Halloween” you answer “Wow, time sure goes by fast”

Has it really been that long since you married Naoya?

“Especially when you’re busy.” he groans. Naoaki sure loves working as a sorcerer, but sometimes it just… ugh. “I’m not enjoying the fact I rarely get time to spend here anymore, from the moment I wake to when I sleep, all I do is work, work, paperwork, and more work”

“I’ve noticed—you rarely spend the night here too.”

“Hmmm, when you put it that way, I guess I got lucky.”

“Why?” you tilt your head, confused.

“I saved myself from your cold hands and feet”

You pale.

“Jesus… Naoaki” you frown “… you always have to make fun of me, don’t you?”

“I can’t help it, you make it too easy” he smirks, and your indignation (or worry, more likely) is ignited once more.

“I’m working on it. It was supposed to be a surprise but… I guess I could tell you now” you effused, now both excited and nervous to see his reaction. “I was making gloves for you! So… my hands wouldn’t bother you that much”

Naoaki blinks, now it’s his time to be flustered.

“Oh, Y/N… I—I was only joking about that!”

“... it doesn’t have to be just for that” you say, embarrassed to have taken his words a bit too seriously. But you couldn’t be blamed, the last thing you wanted to be is a nuisance for him… and you felt your hands too… maybe you should be the one wearing them? Oh, how… awkward… “You can take them to missions, or just… use them in general… If I ever get to finish them”

“What do you mean?”

“I was doing them alongside Hitomi, but now she’s doing something else so I had to pause that. I hope I’ll be able to catch up before winter ends!” you chuckle nervously, scratching the back of your neck and Naoaki smiles. He already thought you couldn’t be any more perfect… but your enthusiasm towards his gift proved him wrong.

“I’m sure they’re going to be great when you finish them” he reassures you and your heart flutters. For him, you’ll do your best. “As for catching up… there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you before I leave again”

“Oh” your heart sinks. Already so soon? He’s only been here for a few hours, must he really go? “When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow. And it seems I won’t be able to visit you until halloween season is over, but I’ll try to do my best to be here.” he says, and you press your lips. It definitely sounds like it’s going to be a long time before you’ll be able to see him again… you just hope nothing bad happens until then.

“What is it that you wanted to tell me?”

“I saw your sister the other day”

And in less than a second, the sentiments you had of anguish pertaining to his absence were swiftly replaced by those of shock and optimism, for what this sudden course of events could mean to your predicament, and overall, the closure you've been desperately seeking.

“Wh—where? When??” Unable to contain your emotions, you fret, instinctively lunging towards him and grabbing his hands. Although when it comes to him, when do you not?

“HQ called for a reunion a while ago” Naoaki starts, holding onto your hands gently. It was endearing for him to see how your big round eyes glistened with anticipation at the mention of your sister.

Oh, if only…

“I wasn’t expecting to be there at first, but since I’m covering for Naoya for the moment… Anyways, the meeting turned out to be a pretty important one since a bunch of other sorcerers were there, amongst them, your sister.”

“Was—Did you see my brother too?” you naturally presume, your expectations now soaring in the sky.

“No, unfortunately I didn’t” he responds, and you press your lips, discouraged. «Well, you shouldn’t be greedy» you try to reassure yourself «it’s good enough that he’s been able to see at least one person from my family»

“What happened? Did she talk with you? Did you talk to her?”

“Ah, Y/N… I’m going to be completely honest—I tried approaching her but she… she didn’t seem very friendly” Naoaki chuckled nervously, so as to hide his own disappointment towards himself. It seems that whenever he has advancements regarding your family, it’s always negative.

He wishes that the day he’d be able to tell you something good will come soon… if only to easen some of your burdens.

“What… happened?” you prod on. To say that you were also disappointed… well, it was only expected that you’d be. “Did she say something?”

“I tried approaching her, at first to say hi but as soon as she looked at me I felt as if I had done something terrible. She gave me a stern look, remained quiet, and then… left. I gotta say Y/N, if it wasn’t because you two look alike, I would've never guessed you were related to her—since you’re so kind and friendly…”

With that, alongside the fact this wasn’t the first time you heard such a thing, you’d have to agree with Naoaki.

Hinata always carried an aura that was colloquially known as  “scary dog privilege” wherever she went—especially with you. 

In other words, whenever out together, Hinata acted as if she were your own personal bodyguard, scaring off unsuspecting passersby she considered unworthy of your attention, presenting a threat to you, or just people she didn’t vibe with—and that’s a behavior she had since childhood

To make matters worse, Ren was like that too—you grew to assume that their overprotectiveness came from your status as the youngest of the family (and in some peculiar cases, fear of being replaced), a quirk that came straight from your father’s side—although you could feel a bit at ease with him, since he acted that way that with everyone… kind of.

So to hear that your sister wasn’t that receptive towards Naoaki was not surprising—if anything, it just made sense. From a start, Hinata never liked the Zen’in, considering them to be too conceited. A sentiment that naturally extended to Naoya. Who Naoaki looks like…

You sigh.

Had Hinata known Naoaki the same way you did, you were absolutely sure their encounter would’ve been way different—maybe even worked with him to get you out of there— but since all she has for reference is Naoya, it’s only natural that she’d treat him with a certain… disdain. 

Perhaps not stupidly obvious as to not set off any alarms, but she wouldn’t relate to him any more than necessary. For all she knew, Naoaki might be just as guilty as Naoya.

Is that—is that the reason why she hasn’t responded to your letters? They are signed under Naoaki’s name after all…

«Oh, Hinata…»

You really hoped she would’ve seen through their façade and given them a chance… Her stubbornness can be quite the powerful enemy when it comes to it.

But if that hasn’t been achieved in the past, what makes you think it would change now?

“Yeah, that sounds like my sister alright” you murmured, releasing another sigh. “She’s always been like that, not… very friendly.”

“She did greet me eventually” Naoaki interjects, as if trying to save the reputation of your sister before your eyes. As an older brother, he knows all too well that awful feeling of disappointing your younger siblings. “It was a quick nod, and I can’t blame her, she seemed to have the heaviest workload of the season, at least from what I heard at the briefing—no wonder she wasn’t all too friendly, she’s probably overworked.”

Another reason, the most plausible one, for her silence. One that consoles you into not being so harsh towards her.

You can’t imagine that being a very important, highly sought after sorcerer was any fun, or that it left her any time to do something. That was already her life when she was just a student, getting to see her less and less during holiday breaks, so now that she’s a professional it just got worse.

Yet, as overworked as she was, you never left her mind. 

This doesn’t make you feel any less regretful than you already were when it came to your frustration for her lack of response—but it at least reminds you to be extra careful if you decide to send more letters to her.

Your actions, even though taking place in a secluded area, must not jeopardize her in any shape or form. Avoid giving away anything that might inform Naoya you’re planning your escape with your sister and ruin her efforts. 

Now that you think about it, Naoaki actually exposed himself even more than he already has when it came to interacting with her. 

If anyone from the Zen’in clan, or someone close to them, had seen the two or gotten the faintest idea that something was going on, they might’ve rushed to relay this information to your tormentors with the purpose of enacting punishment—more so after your reputation as been notably tarnished after the rumors that sprouted between you and Naoaki.

You assume that because something has yet to occur, they didn’t know—but risks are something you can’t afford to take and maybe next time you won’t be as lucky.

“It’s good she didn’t say anything then” you say, and this catches Naoaki by surprise.

“Why do you say that, Y/N?”

“Because someone could’ve seen you with her and assumed something bad” you explain “I’m… supposed to be here, cut away from the world, right?”

“…right” he frowns, whenever he remembers that you’re virtually locked up in this fancy jail infuriates him. Yet, he doesn’t want you to lose hope, and he reminds you that. “I’m still willing to send her letters.”

“Thank you… but right now I don’t have anything” you say, omitting the fact that you’ve been writing consistently, although as explained before, for therapeutic reasons. Not exactly letters you’d want to be delivered any time soon, if at all, and certainly not the ones you’d wish to get intercepted if you ran out of luck. “For now I just want you to focus on your job, do the best you can, and get back safely—from what you’ve told me, it seems it’s only getting worse.”

“Ah, that’s nothing new” he shrugs. “The only thing I look forward to when out are the days I’ll be able to see you again.”

“…gee, you just love making me feel bad, don’t you?” you pout.

“Huh? Why?” he chuckles. “I’m just saying the truth”

“Because you make me sound like I’m so interesting, when that couldn’t be any further from the truth! I just tend to the house, help Mai and Maki with their homework, or follow Junko around the estate. Certainly not things I’d call exciting.”

“That’s not true. And you know that.” Naoaki frowns, he never, ever liked this denigrating aspect of yours. To him, you were doing equally important work. “Either way, I’d rather you do that than be out there where it’s not safe… Although I’m sure you’re more than apt in defending yourself, fellow sorcerer—even if you hadn’t told me your technique yet.”

Ah, if only he knew you were questioning your abilities in one of those many letters…

“Like I told you… I’d rather show you.” you explain and he smiles.

“I’ll look forward to that day then” He gently pinches your cheek, and you huff, annoyed by the pain from his pinch, before laughing once he releases you and chuckles as well.

A shadow suddenly emerges at the distance, catching your attention just by the corner of your eye, making your head swirl into its direction in an attempt to figure out what it was. 

The answer soon appears clear as day: It’s Mariya, with a tray in her hands intended to pick up your plates, walking towards the two, alongside the reminder that your break was over.

“I have to go now” you say, a bit embarrassed at the notion that she might’ve seen your closeness with Naoaki, as well as upset that it had to end seemingly so soon—It’s been well over an hour, far longer than what you intended, but with him, time seems nonexistent. “Well, I’m certainly happy that I got to see you before you left”

“It was nice seeing you again too, pretty” he smirks and you halt, mind attempting to process his compliment, before continuing on by standing up quickly, an effort made to aside your fluster, and begin to pick up your plates—but Naoaki wins you to it by doing the same, if not a bit faster.

“…Thank you” you say, receiving the dishes from his hands, before looking up to him. No words were said between the two, but you knew it was not time to say goodbye.

Your farewells with him now consisted of a hug, which you were more than tempted to do on this occasion, but Mariya’s presence stops you, so instead, you opt to perform a simple bow, wish him a good trip, and turn around for your own departure.

Or so that’s what you intended to do, for Naoaki had another plan; before you were able do as much as think of heading towards Mariya, he swiftly grabs you by the arm, careful to not startle you into dropping the plates and pulls you into his chest, tightly wrapping his arms around you and encasing you there.

Your heart was already a mess the moment the back of your head landed on his chest, more so when you unwittingly imagined the look in Mariya’s face for acting witness to this moment, but when you take a whiff of his scent, and feel his head resting on yours before kiss it, you spiral.

“In case I don’t see you for a while—I don’t want to forget how you feel in my arms”

With your hands slightly trembling, Naoaki eventually releases you from his grasp, slowly turning you around to give you a soft kiss on the forehead—another gesture that has your heart thundering against your ears.

“See you later, Y/N. Don’t work yourself too hard.” And with that, Naoaki leaves.

Your eyes remain glued on his back as he walks further and further away from you, as if trying to ensure his safe departure, before returning to the present and to the stern face of a woman who wasn’t too fond of this relationship (but under divergent circumstances compared to the Zen'in) when he was finally gone—Mariya.

Once seeing you walk towards her, Mariya snaps out of her trance and steps closer to you, intending to swiftly maneuver the plates from your hand into her tray. 

“Did you enjoy your food?” She asks. You tried to help her with her task, but no matter how many times you tried, she never relented. Well, Mariya didn’t gain her outstanding reputation for nothing.

The first thing that Mariya noticed from the plates was that the snacks were completely gone. She usually doesn’t make a big deal out of it, outside of watching what kinds of things you were inclined to eat and see if they matched Junko’s… “suggested” diet, however before she could do all that, she first needs to assess whether it had been you the one behind its emptiness or Naoaki, whom she has now unwillingly taken the role to feed as well.

Which she did not like, not one bit.

Couldn’t he just ask his own staff or something? Her loyalty only extends to you, not him. Ah, well, it doesn’t matter anymore, she’s long accepted the fact that whenever he’s around she’s feeding two.

“Yes, it was good as always” you say, a quick nod and a smile on your face as you now follow Mariya deeper into the estate and onto your following chores—your previous sentiments of awkwardness now slowly dissipating. “The grapes were particularly sweet today.”

“They’re from a fresher batch, Haruko made sure to check them.”

“Haruko’s taste never fails.” you proudly state. “I know I can always count on her for that!”

Mariya’s lips tugged upwards at the mentions of one of the sisters, and it wouldn’t take much longer before she comes to the conclusion that she’d be a fool to let Naoaki ruin her time with you. After all, she too has found a good friend in you.

“Her reactions are the best way to know if a food is good or not. If it’s good, she’d grin, but if it’s bad, she’d twist her mouth in the funniest way ever that always has me laughing!—Ah, this takes me back to the face she made upon tasting the sweets you got her. I’ve never seen her that happy!”

And how could you forget? It had been a sight that eased your nerves, caused by your indecision when it came to selecting gifts for your staff. 

Of all of them, you were most hesitant towards Haruko due to her peculiar appetite. While she was known to be a great lover of all the edible, you didn’t want to choose the one thing she didn’t like.

Fortunately, of all things that were said of Haruko, being a picky eater was not amongst them, apparent on her excitement upon receiving your gift, wasting no time to rip the box open and gobble all of its contents, which naturally earned her a scolding from Hitomi.

“If you eat them too quickly you won’t get to enjoy them!”

Haruko was on her way to retaliate, but you swiftly interrupted her by taking out another bag of sweets and handing it over to her.

“I… kind of suspected that would happen, so I got more.” you explain nervously. “I wasn’t sure which of the two to get you, so I got both… I hope it’s ok.”

Moved by your gesture, Haruko would begin to cry, much to your shock, and then, happiness.

“Oh Y/N-chan…!” she then lunged towards you to wrap her arms around you, unwittingly rattling you. “This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, thank you so much!!”

You chuckle, immediately wrapping your arms around her, reassuring her it was fine and to continue on with tasting out all of the sweets—you got her a variety pack after all, and all flavors must obtain her approval before anything else!

Hitomi on the other hand, relents to accepting that her sister will always be like that, sighing and crossing her arms as if disappointed, but then, a smile parts her lips, proving that it really didn’t bother her that much either way.

Hitomi and Mariya would also get a gift from you, showing their gratitude in a less theatrical way than Haruko, but holding the same sentiment.

The seamstress would have a few samples at that moment, before saving them for another occasion, in her own words: to have after dinner, or when craving something different from the usual.

And Mariya would do the same, keeping her two bags for another moment, but for an entirely different situation. Which wasn’t a decision that raised any suspicion amongst the rest of your staff, only clear to those involved: she intended to share them with Tatsuro, her boyfriend. And you wanted her to share them with him, for you also wished to acknowledge how he, although indirectly, supported you as well—it’s why you gave her double the gifts in the first place.

From there, last but not least, Mai and Maki: as a reward for all the hard work they’ve been doing at school and to keep persevering, as well to show that you cherished them very, very much. God knows they deserve it the most.

However their mother, always the attentive one, seemed to sense the intention from you as soon as it crossed your mind, and before you were even able to do as much as ask for them, Junko warned.

“Don’t even think about it.”

Well, now you were left with more bags that you would’ve liked, and the responsibility of finishing them before rumors began to make their way across the halls.

Haruko, Hitomi and you tried to finish them to the best of your ability, but the team took a hit when Haruko went into a small sugar coma, forcing the rest of the members to delegate this task to someone else, that person being… Tatsuro.

Ever since that aspect of Mariya’s personal life became apparent, all of her actions gained another layer of meaning—it was so obvious that when she wasn’t partaking in her responsibilities, she was spending time with him. Either through her slightly pinkish cheeks, the smallest strands of her out of place from her usually tight bun, or the subtle stammers accompanying her speech… all roads that led to him.

Which prompts you to ask…

“So… how was Tatsuro today?” you say, a mischievous smirk on your face as the two continue on your path.

“Good… thank you for asking.” Mariya says, carefully glancing at her surroundings as if to check no one’s around, before continuing on. “He’s been in a happier mood since you got him those candies, said it reminded him of his childhood, when he’d go to the convenience store after a hard day at school, to cheer himself up.”

She laughs at the memory.

“Oh, and what was a hard day for you, Tatsuro? Getting to study instead of playing? ” she’d tease.

“Absolutely! A kid has to enjoy a healthy balance of work and play! You’ll have the rest of your life to worry about those things—so why not make the best of your youth when you can?” he states proudly, before pulling her close to him, wrapping his arms around her waist, and resting his head on her shoulder “And I just happen to know someone who needs to be reminded of that”

“Just eat” she says, hearing him laugh before kissing her cheek.

“I’m glad he liked them” you smile before sighing. “Ah, but I’m still upset that I wasn't able to give them to Mai and Maki…”

“Don’t torture yourself with it. You know how their mother is, it’s the intention that counts at the end, and I’m sure they would’ve liked it either way”

“I would’ve loved to hear it from them though… and isn’t it weird that Junko-san doesn't let them eat candies? They’re kids! That’s when you’re supposed to!” you justify.

“Is that what you told yourself when you were younger to not feel bad?” Mariya raises an eyebrow, taunting you with a smirk.

“…Maybe” the two laugh. “Oh, come on, Mariya! Don’t tell me you didn’t indulge in sweets when you were younger!”

“I couldn’t afford them when I was younger” she declares, and her statement makes you feel… a bit like a jerk, honestly. You really should remember that not everyone has the same facilities as you—Hitomi and Haruko being prime examples of that, having previously confided to you that they virtually send all of their money to their mother and sister in order for them to live a comfortable life. 

Mariya catches your gloomy reaction, which immediately makes her regret her selection of words, and proceeds to clear up the guilt in your face. “I mean, I might not specifically indulge in sweets, but there were other things I liked.”

“Like what?” you eventually ponder, now feeling less imprudent. What could the talented Mariya long for when the midnight craves hit?

“Shaved ice— I know it’s not that easy to do, but, oh… it’s so, so worth it.” She says, with a tone that drips of desire to get her hands on a bowl.

“What’s your favorite flavor?” 

“Strawberry, but I’ve been leaning more into lemon nowadays, or a combination of flavors. Ever since Tatsuro bombarded me with strawberries I’m done with it—at least for now.”

“Aaaahh, so the best way to win your heart is through food?” you gasp “Who would’ve known!”

“You’re quite cheeky, aren’t you?” she grits her teeth, you laugh.

“But am I lying though??—Oh, how sweet!”

“…He is! “ Putting aside your playfulness, Mariya succumbs to doting on her undeniably adorable boyfriend—and let him be appreciated too! “Whenever there’s a new delivery of shaved ice he always does his best to save some for me…”

“Aww, I can see he loves you, very, very much” you gush “How long have you and Tatsuro been dating for?”

“We’ve actually been together for a few mon—”

“Who’s Tatsuro?” A gentle voice asks, coming from behind the two and certainly unaccounted for, evident by the way you and Mariya freeze on the spot, wide-eyed and skin pale, while darting at each other distressed we messed up glances before slowly turning around to uncover their identity:

It was Hitomi. The last person they wanted knowing of Mariya’s secret. 

There’s a reason why you and Mariya had kept this aspect of her life away from them, specifically the seamstress. And it’s not because neither believed them capable of keeping a secret, as you stated before, they were tombs when it came to that.

But rather… Mariya didn’t want to disappoint them. Didn’t want to appear hypocritical by saying she was following the guidelines of the estate, and then, not.

She already went through her fair share of doubts when it came to accepting her feelings for him and subsequently starting a relationship, so she could only imagine how this would shatter the perfect image of responsibility she conveyed to them—the one that worried her the most was Hitomi, the stricter of the two, and the most sensitive as well.

Thus, it’s only reasonable that she’d lie on this occasion.

“Oh, no one important.” Mariya explained, jumping to adopt the indifferent stance she has to take in these situations, while scrambling to create a good enough response to stop Hitomi’s rising suspicions. “Just a fellow staff member, one I talk to from time to time to check the goods that arrive at the estate. He’s part of the group in charge of the exteriors, like finding wood, or the food that isn’t found at the village, those kinds of things—that might be why you don’t know him.”

The seamstress keeps quiet while intently staring at your main lady-in-waiting, seemingly with no other intentions than to scrutinize her words down to the smallest details and find the underlying deceit, if there’s any. 

As seconds pass and she has yet to say anything, both you and Mariya feel the pressure of her judgment growing heavier and heavier in the air, slowly coming to realize that the moment both did the best they could to avoid, has finally arrived.

Time goes by agonizingly slowly under Hitomi’s sharp gaze, and you could almost feel a confrontation was to happen, the anticipation making your palms sweat, Mariya’s heart pounding painfully —it’s such a nerve wracking moment, that when Hitomi finally decides to speak, both feel like they’re going to pass out.

Fortunately, it seems that all their worries were for naught, for what she says and does is nothing less than music to both yours and Mariya’s ears: she sighs, crossing her arms, and takes the conversation to an entirely different direction.

“I see. Well, I just came to see Y/N.” Hitomi says “There’s some clothes I want her to try for the cold season, before it gets cold obviously.”

“Oh—it’s that what you’ve been working on?” Mariya asks, now feeling safe that her secret will continue being just that, a secret. Nonetheless, something from this moment would continue to bother her the back of her mind, as if telling her to not lower her guard just yet, for Hitomi might’ve moved this topic for another day…—or maybe it’s just her paranoia speaking.

“Yes—I wanted to make something for Y/N-chan as a thank you for the gift she gave us.” she explains—and suddenly it all made sense as to why she’d paused your lessons with her, why she’d disappeared for hours, or why she was going down to the village more often than necessary. It’s because she was preparing warm clothes for you.

And as if that wasn’t impressive enough, the reason behind her actions makes you feel more silly when comparing what you gave her in the first place. 

You don’t try to believe, at all, that your candies are adequate competition against the amazing garment you were absolutely sure she had prepared for you…

“Oh…” you murmur, cheeks red with embarrassment yet, moved by her gesture. “thank you…”

“It’s nothing” she says, turning to you and giving you a smile. “I already have the things in your room—if there’s nothing else pending to do, I’d like you to try them on now.”

“There’s only one thing left on your schedule, Y/N” Mariya says “But it’s not urgent, so we can postpone it to later.”

“Then it’s set, let’s try on some new clothes!” You grin, clasping your hands. Truth to be told, you were glad this change happened, because you weren’t feeling like going back to your duties just yet. So no resistance from your part.

“Where’s Haruko, by the way?” Mariya asks once the group begins to head towards your chambers. 

“She’s in the kitchen, but she’s already making her way here.” Hitomi responds. Knowing her sister well, she made it her duty to tell her first before searching for you, for in Haruko’s own words… I’d die if you made something and didn’t show me! 

“Then it won’t take long to see her.” Mariya presumes, and just as they enter the living quarters, the blurry image of Haruko sprinting to their direction makes its appearance. “Talk of the devil…”

“Ah, I’m so happy I managed to get here before anything started!” she breathes, rushing over to the group while seemingly holding something underneath her sleeves and obi—her enthusiasm makes you feel anxious and a bit embarrassed, for it makes it seem as if you were attending some kind of gala… 

Well, you won’t say that underneath all those sentiments, you weren’t a bit excited too.

“What do you have there?” Hitomi frowns upon noticing the protrusion on her clothes, silently hoping it’s not one of her usual escapades that will definitely put her in trouble if seen by the wrong eyes…

“Snacks, of course!” she grins, making the youngest of the two groan. Mariya and you hold back stifled chuckles, the performance was just about to start.

“Oh, Haruko! How many times have I told you not to do that? Were you at least careful to not be cau—” 

Thud!

The noise, although relatively demure when compared to Hitomi’s voice or the sounds of water coming from the nearby pond, is prominent enough to cut through their conversation and immediately pull their attention towards it’s direction.

They kept silent, as if waiting for a repetition…

Thud!

It came from the same direction, and now, all of their attention is on it. With their curiosity growing stronger and stronger the closer they got to its origin, more so when distinguishing rushed, heavy footsteps amongst the commotion.

Walking deeper into the living quarters, they eventually see a group of staff members gathering in the hallways, who were carrying two large boxes as they walk towards one of the rooms and stop just outside the door—coincidentally, yours.

“What is going on?” you’re the first to ask when they put down the cardboard boxes outside your room. Unable to figure out by a mere glance, the first thing that comes to mind is that the Zen’in finally grew tired of your presence and decided to gather your things and kick you out—although by Naobito’s threat, you doubt that’s the reality…

Or maybe they’re transporting something and decided to take a small break, completely unrelated to why they were standing out your room.

… But they’ve been there for a while now… so that couldn’t be it either.

You’re back to the starting point, with a mystery that appeared to make less and less the longer they stared, keeping you and your staff at edge.

Eventually your group decides to walk towards the men, where one of them was seemingly dusting off a layer of dirt from the top of the box, with the intention of getting an explanation. 

Mariya had her doubts when watching them from afar, but now that they’re close she’s able to recognize one of them as none other than Tatsuro himself.

Knowing well to keep her relationship with him as neutral and unsuspecting as possible, Mariya throws the following inquiry into the air for whoever desired to respond.

“What is the meaning of these boxes?” Your prime lady-in-waiting asks, eyes darting from the box before them.

Tatsuro is the one that ends up responding either way.

“It’s a delivery for Lady Y/N”

Mariya, Haruko, and Hitomi raise their eyebrows out of surprise—but you… your heart jumps out of excitement instead.

“Delivery?” you breathe “For… me?”

If so, this could mean that Hinata… that she finally responded?

You try to not show your elation… something that is easily achievable when remembering that your sister would never make her contact that obvious.

Had it been the case, you more likely than not would've heard of it from someone else first… if ever at all, since you were supposed to be under the harsh isolation.

So if not her… then who?

“From whom?” Mariya asks what’s troubling you. “Who signed it?”

“It doesn’t say” Tatsuro responds, his face lamenting he doesn’t have any more information, she tries to reassure him it’s fine. “All that we know is that it’s under her name, and that the post service delivered it to us a few hours ago, but we weren’t able to deliver it until right now” Tatsuro then turns to you “We first have to get clearance before delivering any packages to the recipients, it’s a measure imposed to ensure the safety of all members. I apologize for the tardiness if this was something urgent.”

“No, it’s fine” you say, gently shaking your head. “I… wasn’t even aware I was to get something.”

Haruko and Hitomi look at each other at the notion, before glancing at Mariya— curiosity and concern evident on their faces. 

Well, they could at least relax when it came to danger, assuming no threat was to come from the box since they passed the filters, but then… What exactly was inside the box?

“If there’s nothing more I can help you with, we’ll be going back to our posts” He says, and you nod, a gesture that serves as permission to do just that. 

Tatsuro rounds up the rest of his fellow coworkers, bowing to you, and giving Mariya a quick glance, before departing, leaving nothing but the elephant in the room and the overwhelming debacle of whether to acknowledge it or not.

“It’s truly under your name” Hitomi says once stepping closer to the box and getting a better look at the shipping label. “But it also doesn’t say who sent it—at least not directly.”

“What does it say?” Haruko asks, peeking over her sister’s shoulder.

“Something about… storage, no, warehouse. I think”

“It’s from a store more likely” Mariya explains.“Does the name sound familiar to you?”

It’s now your turn to look over to the shipping label, walking over to Hitomi and glancing over her shoulder—you’re hoping to recognize it, get to the bottom of it, but unfortunately it doesn’t ring any bells.

“No” you shake your head, disappointed. “…What… could this mean?”

“I don’t know” Mariya truthfully speaks, equally disappointed that she hasn’t been able to figure it out yet. “There’s no other way to know but to open it”

“Are you sure? What if it’s something that.. well, that I shouldn’t open?” you counter, and she presses her lips together.

“We won’t know either way if we don’t do it—besides, it’s under your name… if it wasn’t intended to be seen by you, then why send it?” Mariya explains, and it makes sense—thus after slight reluctance, you proceed accordingly.

Cue her, Haruko, Hitomi carefully picking up the surprisingly heavy boxes, a fact that made all the women dart their eyes at each other out of surprise and confusion, while you opened the door and allowed them inside.

Their size makes your already small room appear even tinier, but you reassure yourself by thinking it’s only for the time being. Who knows, maybe the things inside the box are intended to be stored somewhere else, naturally, allowing you to regain the robbed space.

Either way, once everything and everyone was inside, the decisive moment was amongst your midst.

“Which one shall I start with…?” you ask—as if the order mattered at this point— while taking a seat on your futon.

“Maybe with that one?” Hitomi suggests, pointing to the box right in front of you. It seemed the easiest route for something you didn’t want to deal with, so you concur.

“I just need something to cut—oh” you blink, surprised by Mariya’s swiftness when giving you a cutter, taken right out of her pocket. You’d seem to have forgotten that she always carried an assortment of tools on her… just in case, as she’d say. And it seems you were the only one that knew that, judging by Haruko’s and Hitomi’s intrigued faces. “Thank you”

“Don’t mention it” she says, taking a seat next to you, the sisters doing the same but on the opposite side.

With nothing else to say, you proceed to carefully take out the protective cap from the cutter —Mariya storing it away— and pressing the knife in between the flaps and against the tape, steady enough to cut through it, and effectively tearing it open.

Your hands then move to pry open the box, eager eyes landing on the sight of layers upon layers of bubble wrap—whatever was inside, it was fragile. A notion that does nothing to ease your or your staff’s rising interest, and if anything, urges you to act faster.

Removing the protective layers from the top, it’s then revealed that the box was carrying an extensive selection of… thin books? No, something else…

It’s here that the group's opinions heavily deviate from one another.

While your staff were nothing less than intrigued when it came to figuring out what they were, and who was the sender… your blood slowly began to run cold as your mind fearfully began to realize exactly what they were.

But your definite conclusion doesn’t come along until your trembling hands pluck out one of the many thin sleeves from the box, pulling it out completely, before your heart sinks to your stomach, flinching and instinctively throwing the item away while frantically stepping back from the box when your eyes eventually landed on the recognizable cover on it.

Your reaction, alongside the echoing noise of the object crashing against the wall makes your staff immediately jolt to your aid, concerned faces, and supportive hands on your back as they fret.

“What’s wrong? What happened, are you ok, Y/N?” Mariya asks but you can’t seem to muster an explanation before lunging over to the box to verify all of its contents.

“What’s wrong, Y/N-chan?!” Haruko cries as she goes to pick up the item you throwed away—she glances at it, attempting to find something horrifying, dangerous, but unable to discover anything wrong.

Oh, but for you, that couldn’t be anything but wrong.

Why?

Because it had been nothing less than a vinyl, belonging to none other than to the Spice Girls.

The rest of the items inside the box were albums as well, ranging from studio albums, EP’s, live concerts, and even special editions exclusively released in other countries, pertaining to the Spice Girls, Dio, some of Michael Jackson, and even…. Super Junior.

All artists you mentioned the last time you spoke to Naoya.

You don’t know what to make out of this revelation, outside of the horror it engulfed you with, and the now false belief that this piece of your personal life was to remain in the past, alongside the embarrassment of the indulgence you’ve committed before him, never to be spoken of again.

But once again, you’re proven wrong when it comes to your expectations pertaining to him—no matter what you thought, what you wished, it was never bound to happen, evident by the unavoidable presence of the boxes, alongside the mysterious motive behind them.

“What are they?” Haruko asks as she takes another good look at them, Hitomi still trying to ease you down by gently caressing your back.

Their humble beginnings never gave them the opportunity to afford beyond the necessary, and by the time their interest for music began, cassettes (and eventually CDs) were in their way in, thus explaining their ignorance over the matter.

“Vinyl’s” Mariya says. “They’re… music albums, not really in circulation anymore, except for those that collect them”

“Albums?” Hitomi asks, finding the whole thing… confusing. If they were nothing more than simple music, then why did you react that way? “Who… did you—Did you buy them, Y/N?”

It’s a question they all knew had a negative answer, for you didn’t have the means to do so, but considering you hadn’t told them of what happened with Naoya the last time you were out, they had nowhere else to look.

You wished to avoid coming to this point, still suffering the shame of having disclosed something so personal to him, someone who clearly didn’t deserve this aspect of your intimacy—or any.

But now that the cat was out of the bag, as well as owing it to them to be truthful after everything they’ve done for you, you were influenced to speak.

“This—This is all related to the day I was out with Naoya”' You begin, and the women, as if they weren’t shocked enough by your reaction, freeze at his mention—with Hitomi’s face going sour while Haruko’s saddening. 

Mariya was unquestionably confused as irked by this acknowledgement, yet… a bit relieved that it hadn't been Naoaki the one behind these supposed “gifts”. 

Over and over again, your prime lady-in-waiting has declared that she’s not too fond of the relationship you had with him, only tolerating it because it seemed to bring the best of you; Nonetheless, she wasn’t appreciative of his gestures towards you because all they do is put you in a tight spot—and this would’ve done more than just that. 

Fortunately it didn’t, and it seems that she could relax if only for a moment.

«It’s the lesser of two evils» Mariya thinks, as if attempting to reassure herself. «But it doesn’t make me any less angry that it occurred through Naoya’s will»

“You don’t have to tell us.” Mariya, noticing the gloomy, slightly teary look in your eyes, interjects.

“No… I think—I think I need to tell you” You say, turning to see her “I’ve been holding on to this for a while now and I… I don’t think I can keep it any longer.”

“What… happened?” Hitom asks, your lip trembles.

“After we went to the doctor, he decided he wanted to go eat. He was insisting that I eat too, but I refused everything. I didn’t want anything from him. However, that didn’t stop him from saying he wanted to do more things, such as looking around the city” you pause, pressing your lips together, swallowing “...after walking for a bit, we eventually stopped at a record store; at that moment I didn’t know why, but after this… I—I’m now sure he noticed when I looked up to it. Anyways… we ended up going inside. Naoya left me alone for a moment, I don’t know why, and I just… started looking around. I eventually bumped into the albums I used to see a lot around my house. Guess I was too focused on them to notice when he came back, but he started asking me about them and I…. I don’t know why, but I ended up telling him how much they meant to me—hell, I even told him how my parents met because they liked music, and what I liked to hear!”

Sensing your distress, Mariya wraps her arms around your shoulders, as if to tell you that everything is alright. 

“You don’t know how regretful I’ve felt for doing that… for telling him that about my family… But I just… couldn’t stop myself—I wanted to… wanted to remember when my parents were still together, when my mom was still alive, when I was happy.” you eventually confess, pulling your hands up to your face and releasing out a wail.

As she tried to calm you down, Mariya was deep in disbelief. She couldn’t believe it— nor did she like where this was going — after weeks and weeks of making you suffer, he suddenly wants to be attentive with you? This had to be a joke.

There had to be another reason behind his actions — but what exactly?

“I didn’t think he’d remember” you sniveled. “He was very dismissive afterwards, like always, as if I were boring him!”

“And yet, here are the albums” Hitomi says, and you nod, tears falling down your cheeks.

Mariya has heard enough, enough to know exactly what to do—she just needed your permission.

“What do you want me to do with the boxes?” she asks.

“I don’t want to open the rest, and I don’t want to see them—I don’t care what you do, I don’t want them near my room.”

With that set, Mariya gestures over to Haruko and Hitomi who take less than a second to understand her silent command and get up to work.

“Go to the north wing of the estate, outside, and ask for Tatsuro” Mariya explains “He’s one of the staff members that delivered the boxes here. Tell him that you need to move them somewhere else—and tell him that I sent you, he’ll know exactly what to do.”

Hitomi and Haruko as they made their way to your door, but not before giving you a small reassurance smile as if trying to tell you they’ll handle it from this point forward, urgently heading to their new destination soon after.

Finally alone, with nothing more than the weight of your sorrow on your shoulders, and Mariya’s concern wrapped around you, you allow yourself to cry freely.

“Why—why is he doing this?” your voice cracks as you move deeper into Mariya’s embrace, she holds you tight. “Is he… is he trying to tease me?! Make fun of me?”

“I… don’t know” she answers truthfully—the always-knowing-Mariya is blank when it comes to him for the second time that day. She hates not having the answers for your sorrow, not being able to do much but give you a hug and let you cry. 

“Why does he always have to taint everything that is precious to me?!” you condemned “Why can’t he just leave me alone?! Why—why me?!? Of all people, why did it have to be me?!”

Mariya presses her lips together, attempting to keep her own tears at bay, while pulling you closer to her, as if trying to swallow your pain. 

“I just… I just want to be happy” you gasp “I want to go home; I want to be with my sister…. My brother…”

“I know, I know” she coos.

“… Guess I finally know what he was doing the second time he left.” you say “The thing he was shoving in his pocket, he probably bought the things right then and there.”

Mariya can’t say that your assumption didn’t go against what she initially thought of his gifts: that they were done in order to pull your attention back to him after you effectively ignored him once returning to the estate.

That wasn’t to be the case, however; Naoya had indeed bought the albums soon after the conversations ended. Just another layer of mystery added to your already troubled dilemma.

“What else happened after that?” she ponders carefully—Mariya knows you were already bottling lots of sentiments inside you, but she’d be damned if she allows you to carry even more burdens into your already heavy shoulders. 

“… We went to another store, a candy store. The one where I got the sweets for you guys. Said he wanted to go because he knew I liked them.”

“How… what?” Mariya asks, fear invading her voice at the prospect of Naoya finding out the depths of your relationship with Naoaki—

Having gone through these same steps yourself, you proceed to clarify the situation.

“It’s because of the wedding. Because I—I ate two slices of cake, apparently enough evidence for him to assume I liked sweets” you murmur “I also thought he’d figured out the situation with Naoaki, but he hasn’t… or if he has, he hasn’t told me”

“I don’t think he has.” Mariya concurred. “I made extra sure to keep things hidden from him.”

“… thank you.”

“don’t mention it” she says, giving you a smile.

“But it still doesn’t make sense.” you frown. “All of it, everything—Why would he do that if it wasn’t to make fun of me? To mock what they mean to me? I thought he would forget about it, like he always does when I speak to him, but somehow this was the exception!”

“You won’t have to worry about that anymore” she says “We’ll keep them away from you. Out of sight, out of mind.”

“… Do you think he’ll approach me to ask about them?”

Mariya wishes to say no, but that would only be lying to you.

“I think he will, eventually. Particularly after being informed you’ve received them. Although I’m more worried by the fact that he hasn’t already.” He’s kept a close watch on you days before your second visit to the doctor, but after that, he kept away. 

Why?

“…why can’t he just leave me alone?” you lament.

“Try not to think about it anymore” she soothes. “It’s being dealt with. The next time you come to your room those boxes are going to be gone, as if they were never here, and all that you’ll have to worry about is trying on Hitomi’s clothes”

“…I wish I could do more for all of you, for all the things you’ve done for me”

“Seeing you happy is enough for me”

“Then I’ve never been able to repay you”

“That’s not true… moments ago you were teasing me about Tatsuro!” she laughs, and her reaction makes you give her a weak smile. “I’m happy when you’re happy. Hitomi and Haruko too, they love to talk and spend time with you; there’s even moments where I have to reel them back into doing their job!

And don’t forget Mai and Maki too. They’re always looking for you whenever they can, even if their mother doesn’t want them to be that close to you. In fact, I dare to say that even Junko-san is getting to enjoy your company nowadays! That’s been more than enough payment if you ask me”

At her words, all you can do is sob.

“Oh, Y/N—”

“I’m—ah, I’m sorry you have to see me cry all the time!” you gasp, frantically wiping the tears out of your face “It’s pathetic, isn’t it? I want to be happy for all of you too!”

“Take it easy, one day at a time” she smiles, squeezing you.  “We don’t have to do anything else for today if you don’t want to—you’ve already completed most of your chores anyways, we can just stay here and rest”

“What about the pending one?”

“Eh, I’m sure I can make something up” she shrugs, and you sniff before chuckling.

“Then I guess I want to do that” you respond. “And try out Hitomi’s clothes, maybe take a nap after that.” 

“I can arrange that.” Mariya grins. “Let’s wait for Tatsuro and the rest, I’m sure they’re already on their way here. And once that’s set I’ll get you something to drink so you can relax while you get ready for Hitomi”

And just as she said, footsteps were soon heard gathering outside your room, a quick knock on your door before it slid open, revealing the rest of your staff and Tatsuro’s entourage. 

Mariya peels away from you so as to help them get the boxes out of your chambers as soon as possible, but her boyfriend halts her, telling her that it was their job to do… to which Mariya reluctantly agrees, more so after Tatsuro’s teasing smirk (to which she responded by rolling her eyes), gestures that did not go unnoticed to Hitomi, who has yet to place the pieces together, but is moving dangerously close to doing so the longer she ponders at them.

After the group quickly retrieved the boxes, they made way towards an unaccounted chamber, —the same one your yellow kimono from the first time you went to the doctor (the one you couldn’t even dare look at due to it’s painful significance) was stored in— and placed them there, never to be seen again.

The rest of your day proceeds accordingly, with you fitting on Hitomi’s newest kimono, which fits perfectly on you, a testament of her incredible skill, outside of a few small details to be fixed here and there—things she could easily handle—while Haruko shared with you all of the snacks she had stolen from the kitchen; apparently there were many new fresh ingredients delivered that morning, and she wanted to be the first one to try them all out.

Mariya would come back with tea that she assured would help you relax, easen a bit and enjoy this moment… Yet, her efforts alongside those of your staff would be for naught, for as much as you wanted to think of anything else but what had transpired, your mind kept pulling you back to the shocking sight of the albums before you, and how to overcome this obstacle.

You considered rushing to seek Naoaki out and tell him what happened, but you’d either miss him for he’s already on his way to work, or distract him from his responsibilities…

And you didn’t want to bother your ladies anymore than you already have… crying and lamenting yourself had become quite embarrassing for you, even though there were days that was all you could do…

Well, whatever your entangled sentiments held, there was one thing that remained persistent, and that was Naoya’s presence in your mind:

The moment you’d encounter him again, the excuse you’ll have for when it happens, and most of all, the intentions behind those gifts.

[andstilliam]

living up to my tumblr bio, i wrote the occasional brooding essay this morning and published it, but then deleted it because it’s too melodramatic with the long text and it’s severely depressing.

i slept 8h last night which was nice but still woke up feeling kind of run down, which isn’t too surprising since i burned nearly 1k calories yesterday, so i won’t be moving today lol. i still had a full breakfast which i didn’t really want because i woke up a bit backed up but i figured the fullness would do me well. i consider oatmeal and waffles to be my full breakfasts because they keep me satiated for a while. 

i did not finish the biology lab last night. it was stressing me out too much because i was not able to reduce file size and improve clarity simultaneously and because i started too late, like i was just not able to do the coding for it. the info felt way too scattered. it’s not the same as CS labs because they tell you what to do step by step and they give you resources, they’re very well crafted so it really isn’t too difficult to get started and follow along. anyway, i really don’t like the biol labs so far because they’re so poorly documented. it’s on microsoft word and it’s just so terribly done, it’s impossible to read through. so i really don’t like them. but anyway, i was not going to finish this one, so i figured i’d take the loss because i still need to complete the quiz and the lab  this week. the exam is next week. today i have to finish the quiz and lesson 5, and do chem pre class questions.

it’s cool seeing familiar science terminology in all of my classes because the overlap helps with learning but i definitely miss taking CS courses this term. it’s really fun, first of all. secondly, when given an assignment, we usually have a lot longer to complete it because of the amount of planning it takes and yet you can still code a website the night it’s due. you can play around with labs and alter the code however you want, as long as you get the gist of it. it’s just not the same with science and the rote memorization required. the workload is 100x more intense. CS is intense but it’s all application based, so it’s really just about doing it, aside from the theoretical aspects you need to know. 

i’m just trying to keep myself from spiralling too much mentally because it just doesn’t need to happen. i have to shut my brain off. my body has adapted to this intake and i’m considering altering it further but honestly i don’t think that needs to happen. i’d say that i’m eating low enough as it is and I’m still having normal bowel movements (which I don’t want to fuck up), like it’s gonna work in terms of weight loss; is working. i don’t want to do anything that would sabotage the restriction long term just for some temporary relief. i think bad days/ weeks are normal and i shouldn’t risk binge eating later because i wanted to be more numb on one particular day. a lot of times, like i’m not really hungry especially because everyday i have to shit lol i’m not empty in there at all, so that just adds to the fullness i’ve been experiencing for well over a year now…. Like this morning I woke up mildly bloated because I had to shit after not going very well yesterday and so I did but that also meant I wasn’t that hungry initially. But I had my oatmeal anyway.  

the picture my mom took of me at my highest weight around my birthday in 2023, we were at Ruth Chris steakhouse, my fav ever. that particular night, i felt so ill, could barely keep my eyes open, i was so extremely bloated and lethargic and contrary to what’s pictured, i did not even finish my petit filet mignon and that, like, never happens! so i was really not feeling well, retaining mass fluid, like i could barely eat. 

this is a repeated phase that i go through in particular after exercise has halted for a long time after a period of overexercise. my body stops working. i have zero energy to get up and out of bed. i feel super ill. my portions decrease and yet my body weight and size increases. it happens every time and the fix is to stop overexercising so that the quantity of food remains perpetually low at all times and this in turn creates more consistent low impact exercise which still keeps the metabolism and GI system moving. it’s all interconnected. i’m telling you that when i get fat, i get really sick. And it’s proof that my body works best like this. I burned 955 calories yesterday and I only ran 2km in addition to walking. if i were running even 5-10km on top of that, i would be dead in 6 mos. my body is just no longer suitable for excess endurance exercise and i learned that the hard way. plus that’s not how you become an enduring anorexic anyway. my long walks and very short runs are more than good enough and if i’m deadbeat on this somedays, just imagine the damage that would be done on more to not only my entire system but how that affects my GI system and appetite regulation long term. look, i am not getting fat one year from now. sure, the weight loss seems slower, but baby, i’m killing myself here, not going for a photoshoot. i’m aiming for progressive weight loss and with this plan in place, it’s going to happen. 

i mean, i believe that i’m always ill unfortunately with my chronic conditions but i am consistently not okay at a high weight (overweight+) at a rate that far exceeds anything else, from my personal experience. 

that’s why i don’t overexercise currently or rather exercise smarter, i don’t overeat or eat large portions, and i take a water pill daily and ensuring i drink lots of fluids. it seems to be working quite well. It’s just crazy ridiculous how low the intake is compared to what’s considered to be average and required for healthy, average functioning. I don’t think that reality rings true for people with chronic illness because there’s nothing healthy or average about being chronically ill and before the age of 30 nonetheless. 

but yeah, i think i’m nearing 95-100lbs soon without weighing in. my breasts are still quite big and they are feeling disproprtionate to my body at this point, but that also means i can expect further weight loss soon. they’ll shrink soon enough and when they do shrink to a specific size, then i’ll be able to gauge that i’m likely between 90-100lbs. i’m definitely over 100lbs currently, i just don’t know how much over. but once i’m back in the 90s, underweight isn’t far away at all. it should definitely happen this semester. i’d be surprised if i’m not 90lbs by december. january-april, i will definitely be underweight. should maintain the 80s by then followed by an additional 10-15lb weight loss over 8 mos before 2026 and thennnnn i can maintain a bmi of 14. 

[clowningismyboyfriend]

Surprising 1989 Taylor’s Version Plot Twisssssssssst 🐍 New theory? THE MATH IS MATHING!

Hi!

My gosh I don’t even know what to make of everything since I last posted; I have a never ending blog sitting in my drafts that just seems to be a chopping block mess full of constantly shifting theories that goes back and forth changing directions faster than my toddler on a sugar high unleashed in a toy store.

So, with no real clarity within my doomed-to-draft-hell, but feeling the need to be creatively vocal in my appreciation and acknowledgement about SOMETHING- ANYTHING @taylorswift , I thought I’d share with you my answer to a question posed in Taylor Swifts Vault, a fan page on Facebook.

So without further ado! The question:

My answer… Probably a tad melodramatic, but I was just rolling with the punches and free styling the feels as they came through:

In the next few years? With her current trajectory all I can say is the sky is the limit! Taylor is limitless though. Her resilience ensures that! I can’t even begin to imagine how future Taylor could fill her current shoes so to speak. I know she will and she will do it admirably and with that unwavering, humble grace that is definitive of her (phenomenally talented) core.

Lyrics and melodies effortlessly flow through her and show us how open she is to receiving all that is good, great and wonderful - to possess the ability to polish, refine and pass on those gifts in a way that it unifies a collective consciousness shows she is truly a conduit between a higher power and reminds us that no matter what is going on in the world, with each individual we ALL feel- We all love and we all ache- it’s that shared connection through the lyrics and music that remains to be the most powerfully poignant and purest forms of shared release we could ever have.

The fundamentals in her approach seemingly haven’t changed but yet she manages to maintain a fresh, new and hopeful energy that is as warm and bright as the first ray of sun that stretches itself over the horizon, blazing an all encompassing trail that just gets stronger and stronger in her brilliance.

Or-If you’d prefer a more night time analogy- She’s the brightest star determinedly carving out her right to be a reliable, shining fixture looked upon with grace and fervour by a vast amount of appreciative onlookers who are eagerly watching on to see her glow get bigger and brighter as it pierces the inky blue/jet black tapestry of the skies, complimenting but also acting like a miniature moon; for she is a multi-faceted jewel full of wonder, mysticism, magnetism and a special kind of night magic that can only be felt rather than described.

… Et Voila!

I love how on reflection as I post this somewhat left-field blog, I noticed that I’ve significantly referenced the sky, sort of like an unintentional, underpinning theme that ties back to the 1989 Taylor’s Version..

… And I also can’t help but notice the “S” in “Version” on the album artwork..

Let me zoom in real quick for y’all-

.. Can you see it, too? The differences in the “S” shapes? The “S” in the word Version is definitely a snake 🐍

What could this all mean??

Well for starters it looks like I’m about to fall down a rabbit hole!

Is it Taylor just throwing out a random snake in the mix again, as she’s confirmed she likes doing/has done in the past?

Is it an egg for Reputation? (Seems too obvious for me personally but hey.. Whoever actually knows with Tay!)

Is it a nod to her Chinese Zodiac and how she was born in the year of the snake? Given that 1989 is the album symbolic of her artistic rebirth that being a complete transition from country to pop?

.. She did say that she loves to slink around in different genres! You know what else likes to slink… 🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍

I did see an interesting ‘Tok that speculates a double album drop, with one of the suggestive clues being the “1989” written on the good old Karma wall twice and I’m digging it. It’s a rebirth of an album that is symbolic of her artistic rebirth, two *ahem* too!

I think the reference to the song “Glitch” PLUS the glitch-glitch itself was also a little hint.. Check out this post from @taylornation celebrating.. *another 2 reference incoming* TWO years since she advance-released Wildest Dreams Taylor’s Version:

It’s been suggested that the double album drop will be an album completely full of collaborations, in honour of her 1989 world tour when she had just about every and any celebrity friend on the stage with her.

Some think it will be titled “Karma” but I feel like it will tie in with the sky theme feel of 1989 TV as a whole..Check out the lyrics out in “Glitch”-

“.. Nights are so starry, blood moonlit”

Maybe a Starry Nights Limited Edition? Guest Starring an assortment of stars? ⭐️

If Harry Styles isn’t involved in a Style remix of some sort, I will be shattered.

Especially with all the Harry eggs being teased, like the “Harry’s House” album release date in the “I Can See You” music video..

I actually covered this in my first ever Tay-Spiracy #Swifttok when the idea of 1989 TV was just a dream waiting to be re-lived/re-leased, along with Presley Cash and her “random” capital S for Style caption on a Insta..

In that Tik Tok, which I have thoughtfully shared above, I will say that although I was mistaken about the release date for 1989 TV possibly being her birthday -The math throughout that ‘Tok is CLEARLY MATHING- I still feel like something will be released on her birthday and my gosh it would be a waste to ignore that level Swift-Math when it comes to 1989!!

..Dare I say it. Will her birthday be the release date for this supposed double album drop? What gives on the mysterious lack of collabs? Surely we will get a surprise something yeah?????!!!

Only time will tell!…

🤡

Thankyou for dropping by down town Clown Town DeluLu, where todays Clown Climate is feeling extra Clowdy, the current Clown crew is sitting at a comfortable 3 followers so far - but I’m not doing this (solely) for the likes and follows. It’s my form of escapism 💙 Clowning is my (other) boyfriend!

Until then,

.. I saw something they can’t take away

Dani

Xx

[raitrolling]

some thoughts on pedestal arc (contains spoilers for The Art Of Believing, so read that first)

this was my first solo plot (well, 95% solo), and i am not a Plot Writer as it is probably obvious. but, for what it’s worth, i feel like i achieved exactly what i wanted to do: create a scenario for velour that has decent stakes for him, without being too melodramatic or spiralling too far out of my control that i couldn’t write my way out of it. maybe it’s not the most exciting thing someone has ever written and in the hands of a more capable writer this could have been something bigger, but i like what i’ve done and will probably go back and re-read some things like i do with my other favourite drabbles

i say 95% solo because cloud and I did have some rps going on discord that related to velour’s whole predicament. i didn’t post them like i did with Ripple Effect because the moments were much smaller than what happened in the previous plot, but you can see small nods towards them throughout. velour mentions a discussion that he had with jamie and jikiro in Some People Have Got Their Theories, and the hack/security breach that’s mentioned in both veruco’s callout post and The Art Of Believing was done by jamie. unfortunately for him, his grand plan to distract her did not work and instead made her angrier, because she was not the scheming mastermind he had expected. whoops!

i feel like a did a decent job writing veruco as an antagonist, as difficult as it was to do so. i knew i wanted to go with the ‘obsessive fan’ route as an obstacle for velour, but i always have a problem where a lot of the times ive seen this done have been very... mean-spirited? like, there’s some authors out there who write these sorts of characters and it’s very clear that they hate their own audience and are using this character to make fun of them. i have my opinions on fan culture, sure, but i didn’t want veruco to feel like a mouthpiece for some sort of Statement On People I Hate. what she did to velour was wrong, and her ways of getting revenge were equally as wrong, but i didn’t want her to be wholly unsympathetic. she was just a lonely girl who fell in love with a celebrity and felt scorned when he didn’t love her back, then resorted to uh. sending him and his other streamer friend envelopes full of razor blades as a warning, then used social media to publicly expose him for his misdeeds. so, probably not overly sympathetic in the end, but i don’t feel like she’s just a One-Note Evil Bitch Fan

i chose to make a tumblr blog for veruco because i thought that would be a fun way to reveal information, but also to humanise (trollianise?) her a bit more. yes, she was an entitled fan and a bit of a spoiled brat, but she was also a girl who loved lolita fashion and aesthetic pictures of tea and editing deviantart bases of her getting hugged by her favourite youtuber. there was originally a lot more posts in her queue (i’d queued up about 60 and was going back onto the blog every couple of hours to change how frequently it was posting), but then i ended up culling a lot when the art easter eggs were starting to get buried. i also didnt curate the queue as well as i could have, ideally i would have established what the red and blue heart tags meant and then have the combined tags start to post to make it obvious she was reblogging couple/relationship posts and imagining them to be her and velour. but i knew i was putting way too much effort into something that would only be relevant for about a week and only a handful of people would look at, and i’d already spent like an hour looking for a custom theme before i gave up and just used one of the default ones lmao

also, i had an idea to continue the sort-of-mixed-media approach i was taking with this plot by making velour’s apology written as a transcript, but i ended up writing it normally because i wanted to contrast his bold statements with his anxious inner thoughts. he’s very good at playing up the confidence on camera, but in this case he’s stumbling more than usual and very much aware of it

i purposely avoided reading any callout posts or watching any apology videos because i didn’t want to make any references to real-world events, intentional or otherwise. i didnt want people to think that i was making a commentary on a specific matter because i wasn’t, this format and arc happened to work well with velour being a content creator and having an extreme fear of his reputation being ruined. so i dont actually know if velour’s apology is a ‘good’ youtuber apology, i was writing what i thought he would say that also sounded pretty decent to me. he’s still carefully avoiding discussing certain things (mainly how heavily he was motivated by financial gain), and was also downplaying her behaviour a lot more than i personally think he should have, so it’s definitely not perfect

there were a couple things i had rewritten that i think ultimately worked out better in the end. originally veruco was going to lie more in her callout post to try and make velour look even worse (claiming that he got angry and acted violently so she could make it seem like his entire personality was a fabrication and this was his ‘true’ self), but i felt like that would have immediately ruined any of her credibility. viltau’s advice in Some People Have Got Their Theories was also going to be more along the lines of him telling velour no matter how far he fell he could always climb back up, but i got stuck trying to figure out how to end that drabble with that advice in mind. the concept of accepting inevitabilities to stop fearing failure felt like a more concrete tenet that velour could take with him as he continues to grow, and also it allowed him to think back to his feelings on viltau and jikiro’s actions in Ripple Effect which has been something that he has (rightfully) struggled with accepting. also, when aiolos messaged the callout post to velour he first said ‘what the actual hell is this’ but i changed it to ‘fuck’ because that was definitely more of a What The Actual Fuck moment

as for the ending, having veruco mysteriously die was one of the first things i wanted to do as a final twist, since i really did not want to go with the route that velour apologising magically fixes everything and as you’ve seen from me in the past i do not leave my npc antagonists alive. maybe it leans a bit too far into shock value and maybe it does feel a little unfair to velour, but eh. i left everything about her end to be up to interpretation so you can decide just how much he could be culpable for her death. was it murder, or was it something else? i think i left enough context clues for three different possibilities, but ‘viltau did it’ is a very obvious red herring LMAO

finally, this is just a little fun fact, but while i did listen to the song the arc name came from + each individual title was a lyric from (Pedestal by Charlie Lim) a couple times, i was mostly listening to Yellow Magic Orchestra, GHOST/Ghostandpals, and the new Fall Out Boy song while writing. i have literally no clue why those three bands in particular, i don’t choose the writing music it chooses me. through sheer force of will and cherrypicking lyrics like nobody’s business, Uncanny is a velour song now

[bookswithdora]

A Man Called Ove by Frederik Backman - Book Review

*sighs in a melodramatic manner* I am in love with reading and stories again because of this book.

Summary:

Ove is your regular neighbouring grump who doesn’t actually get on everyone’s nerves as much as everyone gets on his nerves for disrespecting the code of conduct one must have while simply living. He is a man who believes there is a right way to do things and there is a right time to do them. He is also a man who longs to die as soon as possible.

When a mixed-up, new-age family moves in next door, Ove finds that it is not as easy to get an hour or two to kill yourself as he would've thought. Throughout the book, Ove is forced to do an incredible amount of things he wouldn’t usually agree to, however, as we move along with him on this journey he finds that certain situations that would’ve seemed impossible just a little while ago, are not so unpleasant as they have seemed.

This is my favourite book of the year. I don’t care about anything I’ve said so far, this is the book. It is my favourite of the year and is among my favourites ever.

I never thought that one of the best love stories I have read would come from Frederik Backman. He is not the writer I would expect to put out such a book, especially not this well expressed, funny and loving at times. Though that is probably because I started with his more recent work when I started reading him. I was delighted, I laughed and I cried. I also love when I laugh while I am crying, which is what this book made me do.

I started reading about Ove somewhat expecting where this book was going to take me and while my predictions about the book were right, the intensity of my feelings through it just completely blew me off. Now, I am all about that grump falls in love with sunshine trope and I do love it when I read it in books, however, the way that is done here and the way this book is more of an ode to that love rather than the beginning of the love story itself is just what makes it so magical.

I did say in the summary that Ove is just another regular neighbouring grump, however, I would not call him all that regular, since Ove is the kind of man that believes in right and wrong, the kind of man that allows his deeds to speak before his mouth do and the kind of man that would never refuse to help where help is needed. I particularly enjoyed how harsh his kindness is since those were the parts I most laughed about, and how while he believes himself to be a black-and-white type of man, he is bursting with colours when seen in the eyes of a child, or anybody else empathetic enough to look deeper inside. 

The way Ove acts, the way Ove talks, and the way Ove loves all make him such a lovable character and while I did realize that that was the point of the story itself, I didn’t realize it will be so well performed that I will fall in love completely. It is just the right amount of everything that was put into it. In Serbian, we have a word ‘taman’ that describes this particular character development line (I think the word comes from Turkish or Arabic, though I am not sure), and it means “just right”, just the right amount of everything. And while the book did have an immigrant and a gay person and made the old grump from the neighbourhood interact with them so you could see that he is not all that bad and traditional, it wasn’t overly exaggerated and it didn’t seem like the grump was ‘more woke’ than he would be in a realistic situation, it seemed just right, in other words, the way Ove was and Ove did felt taman. 

While I loved the other characters in the book and the way they behaved, I don’t feel like anybody who meets such a person at first would accept him as easily as they did, and the fact that Ove had Sonya who, even though she isn’t present in the story, made some of those connections possible is what made me even more joyful. Because sometimes is not about the love that we give to other people, sometimes it is about the love that we show to that one person who is ready and willing to love the rest of the world on our behalf.

“People said Ove saw the world in black and white. But she was colour. All the colour he had.”

His love for Sonya is something that is very well described in the book already and I don’t feel like I should dwell on it too much here. I loved her through him and I feel like I wouldn’t be in love with her as a character as much if I hadn’t seen her through his eyes and felt her love for the world through him.

“You don't fool me, darling," she said with a playful little smile and crept into his big arms. "You're dancing on the inside, Ove, when no one's watching. And I'll always love you for that. Whether you like it or not.”

I do hope that one day I will learn to write proper reviews and be able to describe what I read in better ways than describing how I felt about it. For now, I will just let you know that, if you haven’t already, you should read this book because I can’t be the only person bawling my eyes out in a mall’s coffee shop because of it, thank you.

[my-darling-boy]

I was supposed to post this on my birthday, but kept scrapping it cos I was nervous, so now I’m trying again and I’m not deleting this one :P So here it goes...

...I am a trans man. I’ve been on testosterone for 3 years.

I started HRT when I was 17 and changed over all my legal documents shortly after when I turned 18 and up until that point, it had been a very difficult road for me, namely with mental health. But since transitioning, it’s taken the weight of a lot of issues off my shoulders which had me stuck for years in a perpetually pessimistic and aggressive mindset. And now, well, I’m 21 and can safely say that old person is long gone!

I’ve always struggled to feel confident in myself, and I still do. Being proud of my homosexuality always came easy for me. Being trans however, wasn’t always so easy. But I was never inherently ashamed of it. In fact, when I came to the conclusion I was trans at 14, I felt happy. It was other people in my life who beat that excitement to the ground. My happiness quickly plummeted into a deep, suicidal depression. I lost all my friends. I was ostracised by what few allies I had. I was bullied and roped into believing so many lies about myself, objectified, sexualised, and made to feel nothing but ashamed and burdensome.

I can remember being cornered in a bathroom to prevent me from committing suicide at 15. I remember how my parents reacted, how my friends abandoned me, the bullying, and the endless nights of self harm and negativity. I was the ONLY out trans person in a school of over 2000 students, and was the only only trans person I knew for a long time.

And I know something that happened to me when I was very new to coming out tainted a lot of the good feelings I initially had about myself. I had been telling a trusted friend of mine how I didn’t know if a person could be with me because I was trans. And instead of reassuring me, she told me, “You’re right... I don’t know how anyone is ever going to love you.” And I hadn’t ever confronted that memory until today. I finally, after so many years, allowed myself to cry about the moment that had catalysed the stripping of my self confidence. I realised one horrible little memory among many had been hurting me today much more than I ever thought it had been.

...And I still live with the painful memory, as I’m sure many of you do too, that I had to go through the most crucial years of my coming out completely alone and afraid, struggling to be proud of someone everyone told me was nothing but an unlovable burden to society. Afraid if I seemed proud for just one moment, I would be abused. But I find that the older I get, the more miraculously I feel the strength to get back up or to not be struck down in the first place when I’m confronted by hatred and ignorance.

And I feel that, for me, one of the worst things I could do is to keep this part of me perpetually hidden, because I can’t imagine how many people following me are in desperate need of guidance or at least someone to talk to, to be told that they are worthy and loved. I know I have advice that I would love to give, and words to say to people who feel they need help, because it’s in my nature to always offer assistance if it’s asked of me or if I see someone hurt. It would still mean so much to me even if this message only reached 10 people, because that’s just 10 more people who have read they don’t have to feel like they’re going through things alone. I know to some people this might sound Basic but you honestly have no idea about the people who need to read posts like this.

Of course I know there are considerable times where it is still unsafe for me to come out, be it trans or gay, and there are times when I feel it’s irrelevant for me to mention it, or times when I feel I just don’t need to. But it isn’t about coming out as much as it is about purging the old fear I have that being proud of my identity is something I shouldn’t do.

I’m always saying sorry for the simplest things, terrified of being burdensome, and being trans hasn’t ever been exempt from that list of things I’ve been made to feel fear and shame for loving. But I���m a year older now. And I feel that checkpoint should begin with learning I should never have to apologise for being who I am, to feel confident in the pride I have always had in my trans identity and learn to not let others take that away from me like they had done in the past again and again. I’ve always found myself admiring people who can be comfortable in their entirety without apology. I would love to exist without feeling like I’ve disappointed someone who likes me or wants to be friends by revealing I’m trans, and even though that has happened to me countless times, I know if those people have a problem with my gender, I wouldn’t want those people in my life anyway. My worth is not determined by how negative people treat me.

I know it’s a long and difficult road sometimes, to learn to love yourself, but you should feel proud to be trans. And there might be people who try to twist that idea and scare you into thinking no one will ever love you. You might feel not that you‘re ashamed to be trans, but that you feel afraid no one will accept you as much as you accept yourself. You worry to be proud of your identity makes you undesirable or inconvenient. And I wish I would’ve had someone tell me when I was a kid that people only tell you that to break you and silence you.

So whoever is in a low place right now and needs to hear this, as I needed to hear so many birthdays before, birthdays I never thought I’d make it to:

There is NEVER any shame in feeling proud to be who you are. There are ALWAYS people who will love you and who will listen to you when you need help, and there is NO shame in feeling you need that help. Vulnerability does not equal weakness.

I know there is a time and a place for me to reveal I’m trans irl and there are questions I still have the right not to answer, but I don’t want to spend my life persistently afraid I will never find anyone, friend or lover, who will care about me. I want to have the same love for myself I have for everyone else.

So happy birthday to me, and to the 6 year old boy photographed who didn’t understand why he couldn’t spend the night at all his boy friends’ houses. But more so, to the 14 year old boy who never thought he would make it this far. I wish he would’ve believed the people who told him the best things happen when you least expect them to. Because they do.

Not only would I like to extend my help to my trans followers who need someone to talk to emotionally, but I have been through all legal document changes (that I own as a California resident at least) and have had some unexpected things happen to me on testosterone on top of the usual changes, along with having some knowledge about top surgery and insurance, so if you aren’t cis and have a legal or appropriate medical question for me regarding transitioning, I may just be able to provide some help! While I’m not always sure how good I am at these things, my askbox or DMs are always open to anyone that needs to talk or is seeking advice :)

Thank you for listening and as always, I love you all ♡

P.S. I didn’t go through all of this to have clowns in my inbox so please be respectful

[quarterdollar]

gabrielagresteofficial ultimate swag reveal

mmmmhey guys it’s meee i’m the one making all those poasts :)🦋 my name is victor and i ❤️ insane old people

i had this whole insane melodramatic idea to wait until season 5 ended to go public but i forgot show hiatuses exist and i’m starting to feel like an asshat letting everyone’s kind messages and tags go unacknowledged so here i ammm. i just want to say thank you to everybody who’s gotten a kick out of the blog, it really is fantastic to hear that i can make people laugh and that’s what i love to do most so i just wanted to let you all know that i appreciate everybody so much. it’s actually been an insanely bad year for me LOL but goofing around on the internet and having people enjoy the jokes and jests has been a net positive. you guys have been so sweet and it really does mean a lot.

i also just wanna say that there are a lot of you (2300+ like holy shit) and you guys send a lot of asks and i Love And Appreciate Them All. and if i don’t get to yours i PROMMY it is NOT personal i probably just couldn’t think of an in-character response that was as funny as the original question OR i was tired OR tumblr ate it. alas i am but one man roleplaying as a different, animated, much worse man

WHAT ELSE. uh. i’m constantly rotating gabriel’s hysterically flat french ass in my mind i do love him so much legitimately but i’m not really involved with the greater fanbase beyond like, talking to myself and tagging posts about him with the most insane bullshit the ops have probably ever read. my main fan thing is actually Pokemon, and surprise surprise all of my favorites from that are the various insane dad-aged fantasy terrorists. i have a type and it’s stupid as fuck and i’ve accepted this <4 please don’t think i’m an apologist though i’m just addicted to studying sillay cartoon freaks under a microscope

that’s all i really wanted to sayWait I just remembered i have 3 acknowledgements:

@wanderingaviator for being the blog’s first follower all the way back last year when i made it on a whim as a goof. THANKYOU for investing in small businesses

@sunfoxfic as i need to thank you for your endless enthusiasm and incredibly kind comments But Also i must now officially turn down your various marriage proposals. alas i am already happily committed to someone else but i am flattered nonetheless

@dupainchengisthenewblack for being my swag mutual. stay winning

okay now i’m done xoxo. thank you again everybody for your continued support of gabe’s tumblrina era i cherish you all immensely. this will be the first And last time gabrielagresteofficial breaks kayfabe so look forward to more erratically scheduled and incomprehensible evilposting in the future (i’m a lil burned out atm but he never leaves me don’t worry). ok thank’s bye