#the magic circle is like universe coded

[the3rddenialist]

Celestial AU I guess*

*aka I took Sun and Moon symbolism and went nuts

help

[rogersideup]

Nice to be Kneaded

Chapter fourteen

Cinnamon Roll

Series Masterlist

Previous part: Cardboard Castle Next Part: Everything will be Okay

Word Count: 7,758

Warnings: Please read. My blog is 18+ only. All minors or blogs without an age in bio will be blocked. Minors DNI. Mentions of medical equipment, loss, abuse, PTSD, anxiety and depression. This chapter contains dialog and storytelling of the loss of a pregnancy. If this is a topic that weighs heavy on your heart and is too difficult to read, please skip to the next chapter. 🤍

The whole of the month you got to spend with Steve in Greenwood completely unapologetically was as magical as it could've been. Perfect was an understatement.

It felt like good stepping stones to really get life back on track after the blip. Although you had already gotten a good grip before your arrest, motivation to do better now that you had Steve back at your side was at an all time high.

He got to see all the work you did on the bakery while he was gone, and needless to say the hours you'd devoted worked really well. Business had never been better, and operations have never been smoother.

Though he did have to go back to New York for a little while before he could officially make the move over to the house next to yours, his absence was nothing like the first time.

This time, you knew he was alive and well. The two of your texted all day long, and would have conversations on the phone for hours on end about everything under the sun and nothing at all.

You'd send each other pictures of what you were doing throughout the day. Coffees in the morning, lunch with the Avengers, cakes you decorated that day, dinner with the girls, his fitting for a new suit, your outfit for that one bridal shower.

And in the loneliest hours, your sunflowers would glow. Sometimes if he was having trouble falling asleep in his bed all alone, he'd press his watch to see if you were awake.

Since there was a time difference, your necklace usually lit up around the time you were just getting home from work, so you were happy to make his sunflower glow. The two of you even made a little code.

Once was to say hi, a simple message to let each other know you we're thinking of them. Twice in a row was I miss you, three times was I love you.

Usually at night he would send one to say hi, and make sure you were there, and you would send one back. Then he'd send two to tell you he missed you, and you would send two back. Lastly he would send three, and you'd send three back.

It made you smile every single day. Such a simple, and easy way to know he was always with you even when he physically wasn't anywhere near.

Since he had been gone for two months, and you sill had a month and a half without him, you also took the time to really strengthen your social circle. With the loss of Georgia as your best friend, you found it a good time to really focus on other people in your life who meant a lot to you.

You felt comfortable with your friends now, confiding in them felt easier, hanging out with them felt like less effort, and every day you just felt better.

Steve did a lot to help you find acceptance in the blip, and in turn, he found his own as well. He reminded you that it was okay to start moving on from what was lost and start living your life to the fullest again. And that you did.

You still missed Georgia, especially this time of year. With a particularly traumatic event anniversary looming upon you and rapidly approaching, you found yourself wanting to knock on her door to talk about it. She was the only one who really knew the whole story, the only one that showed up for you that day when you needed someone.

Even though you desperately wanted to talk about it, somehow you couldn't let the words roll off your tongue to anyone. Not to Steve, not to your friends, and your therapist was blipped. Unfortunately, a lot of people turned to therapy after the loss of half the people in the universe which mean the waitlist to get a therapist in your insurance network was miles long.

You were close with your friends now, even best friends with some, but everyone's lives were so chaotic nowadays that you didn't want to trauma dump on them. And sweet Steve, states away in a city that was busy and a job that was even busier while packing up his stuff and arranging to move far away.

Deep down you knew if you told him he'd feel guilty for being so far, and once he knew, you knew he'd look at you through different eyes. Perhaps confiding from thousands of miles away would be easier, he'd had more space to process, and you wouldn't have to look him in the eye when you'd tell him why you've been so sad lately. But maybe from thousands of miles away, he didn't even have to know.

The last thing you ever wanted to do was burden anyone with your emotions. You didn't want to exist loudly in a room during a time that made you want to slip by completely forgotten.

And quite honestly, letting the words leave your mouth and settle into his ears made what happened to you even more real. It wasn't just a tale between you, your last lover, and Georgia.

It would be a real tragedy you'd have to face once more, over and over and over again.

Every morning you'd wake up and the date was displayed proudly on your phone screen, and every day counted down until the grand finale of your grief. Every day closer to the date was a day closer to putting that date behind you.

So, you decided to just be strong. Two more days and it would all be over again until next year. You'd put a brave face on, go to work to distract yourself, come home and go on a walk to distract yourself, dinner and a TV show to distract yourself, then go to sleep until it was time to do it again the next day.

The plan was working, in fact it had worked so well that you never allowed yourself time to process any of your emotions until it hit you like a tone of bricks the day before the anniversary.

It happened mid afternoon while at work while reading a custom cookie request for a baby's first birthday party. Wild one. Jungle animals, pretty monstera leaves, number ones with the little boy's name on them.

A knot formed in your throat faster than you could swallow it away, and tears filled your eyes and the need to cry stung your sinuses. The way you abruptly stood up from in front of the computer and announced you had to go scared pretty much every employee in the store at the time, but your body told you this was an emergency. It was like the building was on fire and every nerve was bouncing around in your brain telling you that exiting was your only means of survival.

You cried on your way home, you cried all the way up the stairs, you cried until you could change into comfortable clothes and get into bed. You laid there in silence and starred up at the ceiling for awhile. Day two of your period happening to fall during this time seemed like the universe laughing in your face. More pain, and heightened emotions. The palm of your right hand over your lower stomach, the palm of your left curled around your necklace.

Everything in you wanted to squeeze it to send Steve a little glow, you even wanted to call him to hear his voice for even just the slightest bit of comfort you could get, but once again, you just couldn't.

Steve was a smart man. He'd know a message from you around this time of day was out of the ordinary, he'd ask you about it, and you wouldn't be able to get yourself to lie to him. But you couldn't tell him what happened yet, still not ready for it to be true.

So you got out of bed and flipped through the hangers in your closet until you found his hoodie. You let it cover and warm your body like the big hug he'd give you if he was here right now, then crawled right back into bed. One hand on your lower stomach, the other clutching the sunflower.

You thought about him for awhile, how he'd react if you just doubled down and talked to him about what happened. The biggest part of you was terrified he'd be left feeling differently about you in the worst way possible, like telling him about the way a past man in your life had treated your body would make you unfavorable for him. But the smaller part of you knew he'd speak comforting words to you over the phone, and support you in anyway he could from so far away. He'd remind you that he'd be back sooner than you knew, he'd offer to fly over the moment he could. You really didn't want to bother him.

Fuck. You missed him. Okay, he gave you the necklace for a reason, you should just use it.

You squeezed it twice. I miss you.

You observed it in the palm of your hand for a while, waiting to see if he noticed you had sent him a little message.

Then, it lit up twice. I miss you too.

A long exhale passed your lips in an effort to take some calm breaths to convince yourself everything was okay. It's been three years now, that's 1,095 days you've survived since than, you have every means necessary to make it 1,096.

Then, your necklace lit up three times. I love you.

You squeezed it three times back. I love you too.

That little reminder was enough to snap yourself out of it for a while. You watched a movie in bed, took a shower, then called it a night early around 7:30pm. But you couldn't sleep, your mind was racing way too fast alongside your heart. A little while later, your phone rang beside you and you didn't even open your eyes to pick it up, you already knew who it was.

"Hi, baby" Steve's voice filled your room.

"Hi, love. How are you?" You asked, trying to sound normal. It didn't work.

"I'm good!" He answered. "I called you so you didn't get scared."

"Scared?" You questioned, throughly confused.

"Your front door is about to open, but it's fine. Don't worry about it." He said.

"...my front door? Is about to open? And I shouldn't be scared?" You reiterated.

"Yeah, it's totally fine. Pay it no mind." He confirmed.

You could hear the lock and knob rattling from downstairs, then the familiar sound of the door opening and closing.

"Okaaaaayy? Do I want to know who's in my house right now or should I just continue to pretend like this is totally fine and normal?"

"No it's definitely totally fine and 100% normal." He reassured. "Hey, why are all the lights off right now?"

"Are you in my house or is this like... some sort of Avengers secret spy thing and something is about to try and kill me but it's going to be fine because I'm on the phone with you?" You asked, heart rate increasing by the second.

"Everything is fine, including the footsteps up your staircase." His voice dropped to a whisper.

"Steve..."

"I'm coming in"

You bedroom door knob turned before it opened, revealing a slightly disheveled Steve in cozy clothes with a backpack on his back and flowers in his hand.

"Surprise!" He greeted you with a big smile, and sleepy eyes.

"Steve! What the h- why are you here?!" You happily jumped out of bed and practically tackled him in the biggest hug you could manage.

"Cause I missed you!" He enthused, keeping his balance despite how much force you had used to knock into him.

"I missed you too!" You squeezed him tight. A hug from him was exactly what you needed right now.

“That conference thing next week got canceled and I had nothing on the schedule until then. I was already contemplating it, then you said you missed me so I hopped on the Jet and now here I am!"

You giggled before rocking up on your tippy toes to reach his lips for a kiss. "I'm so happy you're here!"

"I was just going to come in and walk up but I really didn't want to get the police called on me today." He explained.

"Yeah, that definitely would've scared the shit out of me." You agreed with a smile as you got a good look at his face. He looked tired, his eyes were sleepy and swollen, his shoulders and posture was relaxed, and his voice was raspier than usual. "You seem tired, are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine!" He assured you. "I did some agility training this morning and it kicked my butt. I'm just tired and sore."

"You? Sore?" You raised an eyebrow.

"Unfortunately." Steve grinned, then he noticed your face. Your nose and eyes were red, they lacked that usual sparkle he was used to. The smile he loved so much seemed like it was the first time it occurred all day long. "Woah, Sunflower what's wrong?"

You watched his face change from happy to concerned in a split second. He set the flowers down on the dresser, and slipped his backpack off before setting it against the wall. "Oh, nothing I'm okay."

"At what point are we going to learn that I'll never believe that?" Steve denied your claim.

You raised an eyebrow at him as he sat down on the edge of your bed and pat his lap, prompting you to sit. Unfortunately, even with him right in front of you, you still couldn't get yourself to talk about it. Only half the truth was going to have to make due for now.

Sitting sideways on his lap, you hid your face away in the crook of his neck and let his strong arms squeeze you tight and support your body as your curled up into a little ball. Right here, hiding away against his body and behind the protection of his arms was where you felt safest. You wished in that moment that you could spend the rest of today and all of tomorrow here.

"Didn't even realized how much I needed this until right now." You confessed, melting into him him butter.

"Talk to me, Sweetheart. What's going on?" Steve asked, pressing kisses to your forehead.

You sighed, feeling bad that this was supposed to be a happy surprise but you're ruining it for him. "Sorry, just- hard day at work, cramps, hormones making the hard day even harder." You explained.

"Really?! Didn't you just get your period like..." he counted on his fingers. "Four weeks ago?"

"Cruel isn't it?" He forced more smiles out of you.

"So cruel." Steve agreed. "What happened at work?"

"Super busy as usual, I just kind've felt like I was drowning all day and unable to keep up."

"I'm sorry, Baby." Steve pouted before kissing your cheek. He had a strong suspicion that there was more happening beneath the surface, but he also understood that it was getting late and his presence was unexpected. You probably needed more time to warm back up. "How can I make you feel better?"

"This is more than enough." You smiled, squeezing him tightly with your arms once more. "Thanks for coming."'

"Anything for you" He squeezed you back.

Since it was already pretty late and you were both tired, you got into bed and cuddled up close. Once again, you were amazed by Steve's ability to be by your side when you needed him most, even if he might not have realized how impeccable his timing was. His heart beating calmly and slowly against your palm did wonders to ground you, and the loving exchange of words and slow kisses calmed your mind from running too far ahead of itself.

Steve eventually drifted off, but sleep never arrived for you. Most of the night was spent staring up at the ceiling and holding Steve in the embrace he subconsciously had you in.

He had woken up a few times in the night completely unnoticed by you, or maybe you just didn't have the energy to acknowledge he was awake, but each time he caught you with a hand on your stomach and your eyes glued to the ceiling. At one point he even tried to help you. He trapped you in his arms and you hid your face into the crook of his neck once more, your legs tangled up with his and his warm hand cradled the back of your head. You kissed his neck in appreciation and really tried your hardest to turn your brain off.

Then, when Steve woke up the next morning you were out like a light. Your body was completely on top of his, and so relaxed you might as well have been a piece cooked spaghetti. He stayed with you for a while, making sure to massage your back and play with your hair, but he realized after a while that there were no signs you were anywhere near ready to wake up and function for the day. As carefully as he would diffuse a bomb, he slipped out from underneath you and tucked you back in super tight before kissing you goodbye and going for a run.

By the time he finished a disgusting amount of miles and actually tuckered himself out, he showered and made his way back to you. Carrying his feet up the stairs, he found you dressed for the day, hair done in a cute little clip, sneakers on your feet, but also slouched over with your head in your hands.

The sound of the door opening alerted you to pick yourself up, but it was no use. You couldn't even hide that you were miserable.

"Good morning, baby." You stuck your arms out for a hug.

"Morning" He leaned over and gave you one without question, before squatting down in front of you. "Still not feeling good?"

His face was full of so much sympathy it made you want to curl up into a ball and cry, but that wasn't an option right now. Not when your girls at the bakery called for help even though you blocked today off just for yourself. "Is it really that obvious?"

"You look beautiful," He kindly smiled as he took his hands into yours. "but you don't seem like yourself, and I can tell you didn't sleep much last night."

"I didn't, that's for sure."

"You have to go to work?" He questioned sadly.

You nodded with regret and apology. He flew all the way here just to see you, but all he got was the worst version of you and now none of you at all. "I'm sorry, the girls asked me to come in, they're drowning in work just like I was yesterday."

"No, don't be sorry." Steve reassured you, his kind smile persisting. "If you need help with anything just let me know, alright? You know I'm happy to help."

"Thank you, Stevie." This time you smiled. "I feel really bad that you came all this way to see me and all you've gotten is...this." You referred to yourself.

"Hey, don't say that." He furrowed his eyebrows. "I'm not here to only love you when you're at your best, Sunflower. I love you just as much like this as I would if you were happy and bouncing off the walls."

"I love you so much." You leaned forward and wrapped your arms around his neck.

He kissed your cheek, then you pulled away. "You know if you ever want to talk about anything I'm here for you, judgement free right?"

"I know, and I appreciate that." You nodded, contemplating your words and desperately trying to find the right ones. Remembering the last time your trauma caused you to feel too scared to talk to him, a light clicked in your head when you remembered he thought it was his fault. "I'm going to be honest and say that today is going to be a hard day, but if you just give me until tomorrow I promise I'll be better."

"So there is something wrong?" He questioned gently, your hands shook in his hold so he rubbed the back of them with his thumbs.

You nodded. "I'm sorry. I just- I don't know how to talk about it. And I have to go to work for a while so I don't even want to open up a whole can of worms right before I have to go. It's been so busy I feel like I can't even breathe, plus with all of this it just feels like everybody wants too much from me-"

"Hey, it's okay, just take a deep breath." Steve reminded you. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, I'm not going to make you. There's no timeline, you don't have to be better by tomorrow."

"I'm sorry" You apologized again, taking a deep breath.

"You're okay" He squeezed your hands. "I love you, and I want to support you the best way I can."

"I love you too. I'll see you when I get home?"

"I'll be here" Steve reassured you.

Work was fine for a little while, you were able to completely shut off the brain noise as you helped catch up on cake orders and played barista in the front. But a few hours before closing there was a huge rush, and it never slowed down until you had to cut off the customers from coming in at exactly closing time. Then there was so much to do that you couldn't even think about anything happening in your personal life if you wanted to. There were a million different things happening at once, each of your employees had a million questions for you, each question distracted you from every task from the long list you so desperately needed to complete.

You got yelled at by more than one customer, and it definitely wasn't a pleasant experience. Words of how you're a terrible person with worse business ethic were spat at you, reminders that you're a bitch and you lost customers over not serving chocolate chip cookies after closing time.

One woman even made a comment to you after calling you incompetent that made you hold back a laugh from deep within your soul. "I came all the way here to get the same treats Captain America eats and this is what I get? Steve Rogers would make sure everyone in line got something instead of cutting people off and sending them home empty handed."

You could've explained that every single one of your employees was already putting in more hours than normal. They were all exhausted, on overtime, and you were trying your hardest to not ware them all out more than you already have. You could've said the bake case was almost empty anyways, there wasn't even enough to serve everyone in line. You even could have even given them one of the last few pastries in the case to make up for the inconvenience, because really you did feel bad.

But instead, you condemned her for being rude to you. You stood your ground and asked her to leave. Normally you wouldn't stick up for yourself like that in the bakery, you always had a professional response to everything and any situation that was thrown your way. But there was an anger bubbling inside you since you woke up this morning.

Three years ago the universe took a lot from you, and today when you just needed to give back to yourself, you were met with nothing but people taking more from you.

Steve was at home waiting for your time, the girls needed your effort, the customers needed more than you could offer them. They called you names, you worked yourself to the bone, and you were harboring guilt all dealing with a plethora of your own issues. So yes, you yelled back at her.That wasn't something you were going to feel bad about. She had it coming.

However, the anger from the day boiled inside you as you closed the bakery and made your way home. Saying you were overwhelmed and overstimulated was an understatement, and knowing you had an opportunity for just a few moments of alone time was the only thing holding you together.

You rushed into your house like a tornado, the front door slammed behind you in your residual gusts of wind. Not even bothering to lock it, you bolted up the stairs, straight through your bedroom and right into your bathroom where you subconsciously slammed the door once more. The bath was filling with steamy hot water and bubbles from your favorite soap in an instant.

Being so laser focused on a long hot bath, and being so stuck in your own anger made you miss the way Steve was sitting on your couch. You missed him locking the door behind you with big wide eyes, you missed him calling after you, you missed the way you had slammed not only your bedroom door, but also your bathroom door right in his face as your ripped through your house.

Quite honestly, Steve was feeling deeply concerned. He had never seen you anything but quiet and gentle before. Even on your saddest days you walked gently as if the ground was made of wispy cotton candy, you moved calmly, everything you did was quiet. But this? This was like the Tasmanian Devil from looney toons had possessed his girlfriend. This had him timidly knocking on the bathroom door before he entered, which you also somehow seemed to miss.

He poked his head in but didn't dare to enter. You were ripping your shirt off and kicking your shoes off your feet at the same time. "Everything okay?" He asked quietly.

"Jesus Chris-"You shrieked and jumped out of your skin. "What the fuck- dude. Don't sneak up on me like that."

"I'm sorry, I thought you heard me." Steve defended himself. "I was calling after you, I knocked on the door."

"Okay well, obviously I didn't hear you." You snapped, immediately feeling guilty but also feeling completely unable to take down your attitude down a notch.

His eyebrows raised, feeling surprised by your reaction towards him. "Are you okay?"

"Im so tired of being asked that as if I'm some ticking time bomb." As you continued undressing, you glared at him. You fucking hated that question, especially at this moment when it was very obvious that you were not. But, you could tell that your defensiveness was making him defensive, and that made you all the more anxious but you just couldn't stop. "But i'm just peachy! Thanks for asking!"

"I'm not what you're mad at." He reminded you. "I'm not the enemy."

He was right, but telling by his tone he was definitely not happy with you. "Can I just get some time to myself?" You took some deep breaths, but your tone was still putting up its fight. "Maybe like an hour? Please?"

Though Steve knew you were going through something, this was the first time the two of you even had anything close to an argument. He was trying not to feel hurt but he couldn't get Georgia's words out of his head. They played over and over again like a record with a deep scratch in its grooves.

She'll love you so hard, but shut you out when things get emotionally tough in her head. So much so that it'll suffocate you.

"You're shutting me out." Steve mumbled. He didn't know if it was to himself or to you, but either way it slipped passed his lips.

"I'm not shutting you out, I just need an hour to pull myself together because I can't regulate my emotions right now and I don't want to hurt your feelings by saying something I don't mean." You explained, pulling your hair up into a bun while your heart raced out of your chest.

"Should I not have come?" Steve asked, hurt in his eyes.

"What?" You asked, slowly remembering something you had overheard but completely blocked out from your memory.

"I feel like I shouldn't have come here." He said again, this time he hurt your feelings.

That one line from him set you right back into the way things used to be with your ex. You shut down your own feelings to protect yourself, and started pushing him away. "Are you feeling suffocated?"

His head snapped up and his eyes burned holes into your body as you sank into the bath. "I'm sorry I don't understa-"

"If you feel suffocated you can just go home, breathe some fresh air somewhere I'm not." You spat, trying not to cry.

"You heard that conversation with Georgia?" He asked, finally piecing together the puzzle.

"My window was open, I had no choice." You explained. "I know that she probably planted a little bug in your head. You've probably been worried about it every day since she said that to you."

"Sunflower you can't just-"

"Can't what?" You spat, arms resting on the side of the tub. "Tell you I'm not in a good place and I need a day to just feel better again? Communicate that I need some alone time to avoid exactly what's happening right now? Tell you I already feel bad about how you came here just for me to be in a not so great mental state?"

He opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out so it snapped shut.

"I'm trying Steve. I'm trying to be better, trying to not be so... suffocating but right now I'm giving all I have. This is it. And if it's not enough, you can just go home and we can deal with this later. I have nothing left."

"I'll leave if you want me to, but I can't get the Jet out of the hanger until the morning." He grumbled.

"The Jet?" You questioned, the cracks in your heart shattered even deeper in your chest.

"You told me to go home."

You chuckled as to disguise the way your heat shattered at the confirmation of your worst fear. Greenwood didn’t feel like home to him, and you were holding him back in the small town when his heart beloved in a big city. "Well I thought we were both in agreement that your home was one door over."

Steve immediately realized the damage he had done and instantly felt terrible for misunderstanding you. The guilt squeezed his chest making it hard to breathe, now he was the one who needed some time to himself just to reassess the damage that had been done and formulate a way to properly fix it.

"It is but I thought you meant-" The words continued escaping him. He couldn't even formulate a proper sentence anymore. Honestly, each of his words dug him a deeper grave that he had to lay in so he just decided to shut up. That's probably what you wanted from the moment he accidentally scared you in the first place.

"If you don't feel like this is your home, it doesn't have to be." You scolded him. "And if I'm suffocating you, you don't have to stay here. No one is forcing you to put up with any of this."

"Yet I'm still here, aren't I?" He pointed out.

"I need an hour." You firmly set your boundary. "Minimum."

"That's fine. I'm just... I'm gonna go home." Steve mumbled.

"Guess I'll find out where that is later." You said your peace before letting the whole of your tired body sink into the hot water.

Steve watched your lip wobble and your eyes close as you settled into the tub. One single tear fell down your face as you took some deep breaths and waited for the sound of the door to slam shut. It never did, instead there were footsteps towards you and the gentlest of kisses on the crown of your head before he left and the door clicked quietly behind him.

You used a little battery powered remote to turn off all the bathroom lights, and let the tears fall quietly as you kept your eyes closed and made peace with not being okay for a while.

The warm water, small dark room, and a cozy scent felt like the best sanctuary away from the craziness of the world. The warmth and pressure of the deep water felt like the hug you really needed all day, and the lack of stimulants made you feel as though you could catch your breath again.

Meanwhile, Steve went home and set a timer on his phone for one hour and one minute. If you needed a minimum of an hour, that's what he would give you before letting you know what he so desperately needed you to hear.

Just as your mind relaxed and you felt like you had a good grip on your emotions again, Steve's alarm went off.

The completely dark bathroom illuminated with a soft golden glow, even with your eyes closed you could see it through your eyelids.

Slowly opening them, you counted three lights. I love you.

Your hand moved up from its spot on your lower stomach, and gripped the sunflower on your necklace.

You squeezed it three times. I love you too.

Watching his watch light up gave him enough courage to get off his ass and actually execute the very plan he thought of the moment he stepped out of your front door.

A little while later, your bath ran cold and your eyes grew heavy so got out and dressed yourself. You dragged your heavy feet down the stairs for a calming cup of tea to help you sleep, they shuffled on the hardwood floors of the first level and stopped in place when you saw a sleepy and sad Steve on your couch.

His blank stare at the tv was distracted by your entrance, so he sat up and started explaining himself. "You told me to go home, but my home is wherever you are so I settled for the couch."

Everything in you ached, and you hated every second of the little argument you just had.

"You don't have to talk about what's happening, and we don't even have to talk about what happened upstairs until you feel better, but I don't want you to be alone." Steve explained, keeping his voice mellow and calm.

In that moment, you surrendered. Your white flag waved high up on a pole, and you chucked all your fears out of the window.

What happened to you was real whether people knew or not, and you and Steve were already on a pretty rocky road. Whether this would patch up the potholes or open up a sinkhole didn't really matter to you anymore. You were just desperate to not feel so alone inside of your own head.

So you walked towards him and dove into his arms. Much like he did last night, he held you safely against his warm body without question.

No longer asking if you were okay, he just let you be sad. He knew now that not everything needed a solution, but you definitely needed support.

You stayed there for a little while, finding the strength to let him in while simultaneously basking in his body heat. Really, he thought you weren't going to speak another word until tomorrow morning. But when he heard your quiet voice tucked between his neck and shoulder he almost couldn't believe it was coming from you.

"Three years ago my ex shoved me down the stairs." You started. After that you almost stopped, you could've just left it at that. You even waited a few moments to see if he had a response to that, but it seemed like he was more so waiting for you to continue. "We had a really bad argument right in the hallway, well, it started in the bathroom and he led me to the hallway. Something I said really pissed him off and he shoved me backwards. I lost my balance, fell down every single step."

Steve's arms wrapped tighter around you, unsure of when or if he was supposed to say anything to you. But some arm rubs seemed to do the trick as you settled deeper into his body and opened your heart to him.

"When he recalls the story, he said I tripped over my own feet and for a little while I believed him." You added.

"We're you okay?" Steve practically whispered.

"We got into that really bad argument because he had gotten me pregnant on accident" You revealed, feeling nervous to the point of nausea.

Once again, he didn't know how to respond to that, but he let out a little grimace hoping that where he thought this story was going would end up a thousand times better than what was in his head.

"It was an accident but I was excited, I always wanted to be a mom and I knew I could do it whether he wanted to be present in it's little life or not. He wanted me to terminate the pregnancy pretty early on, but I convinced him to let me take charge. I would do everything on my own, he's never have to lift a single finger, that's what we agreed on." You explained. "I was 12 weeks along and we found out it was a boy. I was so happy, but he just... blew up. He said I was trapping him- intentionally trying to ruining his life because I had everything I wanted in the palm of my hand. It was that same day I just so happen to trip over my own feet."

"I'm so sorry." Steve already knew this had a bad ending, he couldn't even brace himself for it.

"Baby lost his heartbeat before I could even make it to Greenwood Medical. Georgia was out of town when it happened, I didn't want to upset my mom with the news and loss of a baby in the same phone call, and my ex said if I needed to deal with the consequences of my own actions so I was alone in the hospital room for four days after an emergency extraction and sustaining a plethora of other injuries until Georgia could come him." You continued the story. "She brought me home from the hospital and took care of me night and day for a whole week before convincing me to file a police report. But the second he found out that I was trying to take legal action against him, he packed all his stuff and left. We couldn't even find him to serve a restraining order against him after that, nobody even knew he was in Arizona until a year after he left."

"When he was found, was a restraining order served?" Steve questioned.

You nodded. "I'm usually okay. I can think about the baby without getting sad, I remember those 12 weeks through rose colored glasses even though I was so terribly sick every day. But this is the one time of year I can't beat it. I get angry that it happened, I just wanted to track him down and scream in his face, I just feel mad at the world when I see happy moms with their kids. And this year, my period just feels like a cruel reminder that I'm definitely not pregnant."

Steve kissed your head as he tried to find the right words to make it better, but nothing could. Quite honestly, if he had been through anything like that, he was sure he wouldn't be as put together as you were regardless of the argument you two had, and the fact that you felt like you were falling apart.

A lot of situations clicked into place through your admission. Your fear of the hospital, your subtle reaction to him asking if you wanted kids, your hand that never seemed to leave it's spot on your tummy while you stared up at the ceiling last night.

"I usually spend this day alone, but everyone needed a lot from me today. Work was stressful and customers were yelling at me when I already had very little to offer the world. I didn't mean to shut you out, and I definitely didn't mean to be rude. I just... snapped and I'm really sorry." You finally apologized feeling so much lighter already. "You didn't deserve my attitude, and you weren't what I was mad about."

"It's okay, I knew something was wrong and I let my own hard head get in the way." He accepted. "I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions and not really hearing what you were saying."

"I completely understand, if you didn't know I get that my behavior probably seems completely irrational and dramatic." You sympathized. "I think you handled it pretty well."

"Nothing about your behavior today has been dramatic, and I definitely didn't handle that well." He denied. "But I know now, and I'll do better next time. I'm so sorry that happened to you, Sunflower. I don't even know what to say, but I'm sure you've heard every bullshit greeting card invalidating response under the sun already."

"Oh trust me, I know I'm young and I could just pop out another one whenever I want to." You chuckled at the accuracy of his statement. "Don't worry, I know Jesus or god or whoever is up there has a baby ready for me whenever I'm really ready to be a mom."

Steve physically cringed at those two statements, "Is there anything I can do for you to make this day better?"

You shook your head with an artificial grin. "Your patience and understanding has been more than enough."

He kissed the top of you head, and thought long and hard about words he could speak to bring you comfort, but you spoke again before he did.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my pregnancy sooner. I wasn't trying to hide it or keep it a secret, it's just.... It's hard to talk about. And I found that when I told people I was always met with these pitiful looks and sentiments that always made me feel worse than when I just kept it all bottled up. It's also something that I definitely would've been punished for in the past and I'm just trying really hard to unlearn all of the fear that comes along with rebuilding healthy relationships. I'm never trying to push you away when things get hard or shut you out, sometimes I just get scared and I don't know how to handle it."

"Well I think you're doing a really good job." Steve softly grinned down at you. His praise warmed your heart and your cheeks. "I can't imagine any of that was easy, so thank you for sharing that with me."

"You make it easy." You let out a sigh of relief.

"You're always safe with me, Sunflower." Steve reminded you. "Always. I mean that. I'm here for you whenever you need me for anything no matter what. Nothing will ever change the way I love you."

"Our love for each other has been pretty unconditional so far hasn't it?" You giggled.

Steve thought about what you said before smiling in agreement. "Yeah, we have been through some crazy stuff together haven't we?"

"I'd say so." You agreed.

"Did he have a name?" Steve questioned.

"The baby?" You reiterated.

"Yeah" he nodded with a grin.

"I never got the chance to give him one" You denied, "but I was calling him cinnamon roll."

"Awww cause he was a little bun in your oven?" Steve pouted because it was just too cute to handle.

"Exactly"

"Well in all the time cinnamon roll had with you, all he ever knew was the best mama in the whole world." Steve acknowledged, not wanting to dismiss what your grief was reminding you off today.

You lip trembled despite your genuine smile, and your eyes filled with tears. "Damn it honey, I just stopped crying."

"It's okay to cry" He smiled with you, giving you another squeeze. "Shedding some tears is wonderful way to spend the day regardless of the pain. It's just a reminder of how much you really loved him and I think that's beautiful."

"Thank you, Stevie, for everything. You're the best person I've ever had in my life, and I love you so fucking much." You dug your face back into the crook of his neck feeling an overwhelming amount of love for the baby you never got to know and the man holding you close.

"I love you too." He gently rocked you.

"I think you'll be the best dad in the whole world one day." You thought out loud.

"And you're the best mom ever."

Once again, that statement made the tears fall past the surface point. Steve let you quietly cry in his arms until he unintentionally lulled you to sleep.

But tonight unlike any of the night of the previous three years, your tears were full of joy. And instead of drifting off and thinking of the loss and the what if's, you thought of something much happier.

You reminisced on all of the times, the years, you settled for scraps. The times of your life you begged of any ounce of affection and support, you thought you had to earn it. When you did, the attention was laced with rejection, resentment lingered through every word and every touch.

And now you got to fall asleep in the safety of the arms of your favorite person. His words came without incentive, you didn't have to beg for his touch. You didn't need to earn the tender moments or reassurance.

It all just came so easy.

Though religion was something that escaped you early in life, you were convinced this new life you had was good enough to be heaven sent, and Steve was the closest thing to a real life angel you'd ever see.

You slept soundly that night knowing that one day whenever you were ready, you'd have a little cinnamon roll to love for the rest of your life.

And maybe a honeybun.

Maybe a popover.

And with full confidence they would be half you, half angel.

Next Part: Everything will be Okay

Please note that I understand I’m covering heavy topics in this series, but I wholeheartedly believe it’s important to highlight an experience that is unfortunately very common in womanhood. To be anything but a cis white man is to fight in a world that wasn’t made for you, and I think writing only experiences of sunshine and rainbows for readers is a disservice to capturing living a human life. Much love and lots of light to everyone reading 🤍🌟

Tag list: @patzammit @bemysugarbean @buckymydarlingangel @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @happinessinthebeing @differenttyphoonwerewolf @themotherof10 @lokislady82 @talesofadragon @spikeluv84 @xxxalicerogersxx @Avid-fic-reader-05 @royalwriteroftheuniverse @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @bitchy-bi-trash @crazyunsexycool @openup-yourmind @selella @kattreffic @benedict-squirtle @magnificentsaladllama @natashassandwitch @theroyalmanatee @calwitch @avengersinitiative2012 @rogersbarber @daddywattpad4945

[thatdeadaquarius]

Heyo, Idk if you still do sagau but I hope you do 🙏🙏 anyway, this is lowkey wholesome but imagine one of acolytes were trying to communicate with a child but then they realize the child is deaf but reader so happened to be nearby. So then, whatever the character is saying the reader translates into sign language and its just a wholesome sight to see. Btw srry if this isn't what you usually write 😓 add anything to this if you want

OH NO THIS IS EXACTLY ALL THAT I WRITE RN ANON DW MY LOVE 😍

(*update: im so stupid i thought ur sunglasses pfp was a anon and didnt look any closer💀i aint livin this one down)

(Spoiler: i do plan to do imagines for other fandoms bc i have such niche AUs or ideas for them, a lot like this whole language stuff for Genshin Sagau :D )

IVE WANTED TO LEARN ASL FOR SO LONG BUT I HAVENT GOTTEN THE CHANCEEE theres no classes for it where i live ;/

THAT IS TO SAY I LIVEEE FOR COMMUNICATION STUFFFFF

Also srry its kinda short i just could only think of this cute little scenario- 😗

Rest in peace bc i have a whole fat post i wanna make about neurodivergence + general accessibility issues in Teyvat and their countries

Like where r the ramps babe

Where r the non-narrow ass doors

Why r we just constantly made to hike up mountains when we dont have to

And dont come at me with that,

"Theyre in their medieval age! They cant make stuff like that!"

Yeah, u right, they cant.

If they dont be ✨️creative ✨️and they dont use their fucking ✨️magic ✨️

Liyue got floating rocks and they cant make a goddamn disability elevator?? Bitch tf?

THAT IS TO SAY IN A VERY RANTING COUGHPASSIVE AGGRESSIVE AT GENSHIN COMMUNITY FOR NOT REPPING DISABILITIES MORECOUGH

WAY OF SAYINGGGG

Literally almost no one gets sign language in Teyvat

(despite the fact that in my perfect teyvat, sign lang. is superior bc everyone could make it the universal lang. ESP if we go by the cool AU of diff countries have diff languages, like Germanish lang for Mondstadt, Frenchish for Fontaine, etc.)

Off topic again srry-

◇

But you took a class once!! Or even checked out the alphabet and casual convo on ur own time :D

So u just chillin with Kazuha, Thoma, Sara, Gorou, and Kokomi (they vistin the main island to see u!! :] )

Meanwhile a little girl is walking around nearby, and is kinda going in circles

Almost like shes scared to go too far one way or the other,

So being the caring soul he is, (rlly all these boys here rn would notice and help lol)

Thoma comes up to her and squats down trying to talk to her :)

...

Yeah, she didn't say anything, just kinda,,

Motioned with her hands??

She looks like shes doing some kind of code to them..

Oh!

Thoma finally recognized this, its that hand language!! lmao hes got the spirit

so he asks Kazuha to try and see if he knows it or can even figure it out-

Nope. Nada de nada.

Then Kokomi, Sara and Gorou (whos a sweatin nervous mess he doesnt know how to act around kids esp kids in distress he seems like the type lol)

They all fail, Kokomi looks concerned bc she thinks the kids lost, but there no frantic parents nearby, Sara is trying to slowly understand what motions mean what i.e. points to a rock = learn sign from child etc,

Kazuha is trying to get the wind to help locate upset guardians nearby, and Gorou...

... is just 🧍‍♂️

LMAOOO

◇

So after a minute of this (bc u had originally been away at a street food vender, hey those dango were rlly good dont judge urself)

U come back, and see this mild flavor of chaos-

And are just like

"Oh ffs- just shoo, i got it guys"

And just, slowly, go thru some signs with the little girl to get the keywords at least

She lights up and is like bouncing, she goes hella fast at first but slows down when she gets ur hearing

Either way, she looks a lot happier now

U explain for her to the others to confirm her parents got seperated from her

She got lost and where she last saw them

u finally help escort her to the street she last saw her parents on :] !!

◇

Meanwhile the whole allogene group, shopkeepers, and Inazumans around you:

😦😯🥰🥺💓💞💘💖

Kokomi is holding back a squeal, shes gotta keep up her image, ahem-

Sara is like,, minutely vibrating?? Lmao

Kazuha is watching u like a fireworks show, intensely and yet fascinated

GOROU'S TAIL IS KINDA WAGGINGGG AW LOL

And Thoma just looks like a puddle of affection, just absolutely melted (he loves kids + he secretly loves you = dead Thoma)

Other people look weirdly, proud? Like theyre like "yeah thats our god, fuck yeah, knowing diff languages, go off, Your Grace 💅 " LMAO SORRY COULDNT RESIST and also some fascination

♡

Anyway, 2 very stressed looking dads see yall and the girl and one of them run up to hold each other

She starts rapidly signing, explaining to her dads the adventure she had and the cool people she met <3

The dads look at u and r like 🤔😶😱 "YOUR MAJESTY??!!" (VIGOROUS HAND MOTIONS)

They sign like,

"We're terribly sorry about you seeing us like this, we usually are much more together than this, a crowd just swept her off, its very busy today. Thank you so much for helping our girl, my Lord!! 😭😭"

Theyre like almost crying, oh geez, u reassure them and sign back that it happens to any parent at some point and that is matters more that they tried to get her back :]

◇

Meanwhile the rest of the group and the citizens are just watching yall like its the most amazing Olympic level tennis match in the world LMAO

Heads all in sync, watchin yall like 👋👍🙏LMAO IM SORRY

AW IT SUCKS ABOUT WRITING BC I CANT RLLY DEPICT SIGN LANGUAGE AS COOL AS I CAN IN COMICS OR THRU ART

THE EMOJI HANDS NEED SIGN LANGUAGE DAMMIT-

♡

🎵 Hi, it's me. I'm the problem, it's me. 🎵

That is to say none of yalls asks r eaten up, at least im pretty sure? Dw abt it im chugging along having the time of my life hehe >:)

Yall are fEEDIN ME TONIGHT!!

Hope yall r having a good weekend and have no hw if ur in school, or i hope ur shift goes good tomorrow! :]

Love yall!!

Cheers,

🌒🌧🌊Aquarius♒️🌌🌘

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist

[shadowqueenjude]

me and sjm are about to have a world building problem because she's killing me she obviously takes inspiration from ancient civilizations and geographical names around the Mediterranean, like the greeks (Eris, Helios, etruscans (literally their goddess of dawn is named thesan). Tarquin the last king of rome (and ironically the opposite of acotar Tarquin). Adriata should then come from the Adriatic sea and their architecture seems greco-roman. But then she mixes it up and gives the court fae brown skin (by the way, what kind of brown, this tells me nothing, i don't need like pantone, but slight more description) For the night court, she's just weird with it. the clothes Feyre is initially given by Rhysand kind of read to me like what you find when you search up 'sexy belly dancer'). Same with all of the clothes she wears when visiting Hewn City. I feel like she was trying to incorporate some more "exotic" things but it doesn't match the rest of the court. It seems like there's a couple different groups with completely different aesthetics that are completely separate from one another. Both Illyria and the court of nightmares seem like vassal states to Velaris and aside from Illyrians having tan skin and being called something around the lines of savages (very POC-coded), there is little to no evidence of any aesthetics that could be considered non-European. Not architecture-wise, name-wise, or (for the most part) fashion-wise. Now, it is a free country, SJM can write however and about whatever she wants. But I feel like there is just such a loss there. No matter where in the world you go, there is evidence of different cultures. Rich cultures which someone could easily take inspiration from!! I just wish she took the time to go down some of the rabbit holes fic writers go down, learning a multitude about what ends up being a small part of your story. Right now, her POC characters feel like an afterthought where she had her story written and then just inserted the word dark/tan on a couple characters. (Also I had no idea Amren was east asian until someone said she was on here and I do have to ask, where is the east asian exotica? Normally if you have one you have the other.) Also her in-universe world building is so convoluted and i hate it and nothing makes sense. I love magical objects as much as the next person, but some of these are one-and-done objects that you definitely could have had more use over. I think she has a vague plan and is just doing whatever she thinks of first to get to each plot point. (me in essays) Also, someone should make an anti-inner circle timeline with all the fucked things they've done so we don't forget. (And hope in the next book, sjm writes about a war crime tribunal for the past... century) thanks for listening to my rant, I've just been struggling to figure out how characters and courts play out and getting more frustrated as I continue.

Anon, you summed up all my frustrations perfectly!

Sjm writes her worldbuilding and tropes like she’s still writing fanfiction. I try to write fanfiction of her stories and I realize I know nothing about the places we’re supposed to be exploring.

Sjm takes inspiration from many many things but then she doesn’t commit to anything. She cherry picks shit to utilize based on vibes and together it doesn’t make sense. It’s really annoying when you see inspiration from your culture that could’ve been used so much better.

As for the IC, they’ve committed so many crimes it would require a thorough reread of all the books to note down all of them.

[gl0wsitckkkk]

Bro is crazy

Error!Sans

CHARACTER INFORMATION

AUTHOR

Loverofpiggies Tumblr Logo

ROLE

Destroyer

NICKNAME(S)

Error

ALIGNMENT

Chaotic Evil

BIOGRAPHICAL INFORMATION

STATUS

Alive

RESIDENCE

An Anti-Void

BIRTHDAY

April 4[1]

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION

SPECIES

Monster

SEX

Male

HAIR COLOR

N/A

EYE COLOR

Red, Yellow, and Blue

Error!Sans is a Sans variant created by LoverofPiggies (aka CrayonQueen). Originally a version of Geno of After Genocide[2], he fell into a dimension between Universes and became glitched beyond repair. He now dedicates his life to cleanse the Multiverse of Anomalies, even if it means destroying all of the AUs and Out!codes in existence. Because of this, he's often known as the "Multiversal Destroyer".

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Biography

2/2

Error is a version of Aftertale Sans (Geno) that messes around with dangerous determination magic, even with warnings from Sans. He eventually accidentally sends himself to the anti-void. To which, in his final moments of sanity, he's furious that even though he got his happy ending, this had to happen. Geno lost his sanity to hating everyone and anyone except for himself, which is why Error is so hateful and calls everyone 'glitches' or 'abominations'.

Profile

Appearance

In the present, Error is a black glitchy skeleton with a color palette mainly consisting of dark reds/reds, dark blues/blues, yellows, oranges, and blacks. with his entire torso being black, while his legs are red. His metacarpals are black, while his proximal phalanges are red and his middle and distal phalanges are yellow. he has yellow teeth and two unsymmetrical eyes, with completely red scleras one a small yellow pupil and the other is a circle with yellow, blue and black. He usually needs to wear red round glasses because of his eyes being messed up from when he was Geno but refuses to wear them sometimes. his most signature feature was the light blue tear-like markings coming from his eyes to his chin.

He wears a parka coat with pieces with blue gradients stitched together on the sleeves with yellow pockets. Underneath he wears a red shirt, which is possibly a sweater. He wears wide black pants, which are uneven and un-matching at the bottom with red stripes, the left has a blue gradient and is stitched together, the right appears to possibly be a cuff of blue stitched to the pants. He has a long blue scarf, and mismatched black sandals. Apparently, he steals clothes then sews them together to make his outfits. Being Highly Glitched, he has white "ERROR" worde all around him, with some minor glitching included.

Personality

He is always seems to be grumpy but he has a selfish and sort of playful personality and thinks he's helping out the multiverse. He steals things, raids and destroys AUs, he loves to play jokes, and make snarky teases at his enemies. Canonically, he doesn't get mad until things don't go his way, how he expected it to happen, or when others trigger one of his fears. And although he has a lot of hatred toward non-canon materials regarding Undertale, the ones that slightly deviate from the original annoys him the most[3].This makes him, as the creator best put it, a literal man baby[4].

It should note that due to his emotional instability, he is completely incapable of Love or Compassion.

Abilities

Error Blaster: He uses a type of Gaster Blaster called an Error Blaster, which are simply Gaster Blasters that are black in color and have blue tear-marks falling from their red eye sockets. Error's Gaster blaster is bigger, faster, and stronger than Classic Sans'.

Blue Strings: He uses blue strings from his tear ducts to tie up and shatter SOULS, if his strings go inside a victim, he can transfer his soul into the victim's body, making his body vanish and the victim's soul to vanish turning the victim into him. This makes him able to control the victim, while the victim is helpless. This is Error's "main weapon" because Error feels more comfortable with the strings, as Error doesn't have very good eyesight.

Glitch Hop: He can glitch himself and others into other AUs as the main means of Multiversal Transportation due to him being a error.

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Relationships

Swap!Sans (aka Blueberry/Blueberror)

At one point, Error captured a Sans from Underswap , whose eccentric personality and kind pacifism conflicts with his merciless and snarky attitude. Blue, however, is not naïve from this and is well aware that Error acts like a selfish prick. Instead of getting angry at him though, he simply sends him the same mercy as he does for everyone else. He even goes as far as to touch him, which triggers his haphephobia and causes Error to crash.

The Anti-Void seems to have also had an effect on Swap!Sans, which eventually warped him into another Glitched Skeleton[2].

CORE!Frisk

Main article: CORE!Frisk

Despite their friendliness towards him (to the point that they save him from deletion), he's still convinced that they're just another anomaly needed to be deleted. He also plans to destroy their Omega Timeline as well (if he managed to find it).

Error!Undyne

One of his many nemesis's. She been after his tail out of the belief that he killed her Alphys[2].

FATAL Error

When Error attempted to destroy his non corrupted counterpart (another Geno!Sans), He accidentally created a new Out!Code that shares many of his abilities. They've been enemies ever since.

Ink!Sans

Main article: Ink!Sans

Though they have no canon relationship, he's often been depicted with the self-proclaim Protector of the Multiverse. It was due to their conflicting views on the multiverse itself that they're often at odds with each other (Ink claim that the Multiverse was perfect the way it is, while Error views it as an abomination).

Error404!Sans

A mentor/teacher for Error created by SHADIKAL15, though this is not canonical to Errortale. Error isn't too clouded by the fact that 404 is his mentor. The two had their share of bad moments, but although they have much distaste for each other, when the time is right, they end up having each other's backs. 404 considers Error as his closest ally and maybe even his friend.

King!Multiverse!Sans

Error hates and despises King!M (who is also created by SHADIKAL15), though this is not canonical to Errortale. After bowing down to him and creating a special SOUL Bond owing his life to him, that made Error hate King!M more than ever. Error and King!M had been at some blows but Error always loses. However, Error only sees King!M as a minor setback, and doesn't let him get in the way of destroying the AUs behind King's back.

SKIP

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Trivia

Error has haphephobia (the fear of being touched) and is therefore very hesitant to get physically close to anyone[5].

At random intervals, he can glitch up, filling his eye sockets with errors, giving him a major disadvantage if he's in battle. If Error had no strings, he would be a very easy problem to fix[6].

Error is near sighted[7].

If Error were to be unglitched, he would commit suicide out of pure guilt over his actions.

Due to the connection between the Anti-Void and all of existence[8], he can theoretically appear anywhere beyond the boundaries of the Undertale Multiverse.

After the Cancellation of ErrorTale, Error was later reused as completely original character for the Crayon Queen's original Lucidia, complete with a redesign.

[thewadapan]

Launch codes to nuke "73 Yards" from orbit - Doctor Who review

CW: discussion of rape

So I've been watching a lot of Moffat Doctor Who lately, which is broadly dogshit, but each new episode of Russel T. Davies' return to the show's helm is really pushing the boundaries of what it means to create bad television. I actually would believe that this is part of a grand plan to destroy the BBC from the inside, by blowing millions of pounds on a singularly dreadful Disney+ show, but RTD's original run on Doctor Who was also much worse than people are typically willing to acknowledge, so this is obviously nonsense.

"73 Yards" has apparently proven very divisive, with some people lauding it as one of the best Doctor Who episodes in ages (this means nothing to me, I didn't watch any of Chibnall's stuff), and some people taking a CinemaSins-esque "look at all these plot holes!!!" approach to criticising it. This essay definitely resembles the latter, but I want to clarify right away that I don't care about plot holes in and of themselves. If a story coheres on a metaphorical level, I can overlook nonsense plotting. Any given Doctor Who episode, including many of my favourites, will have at least a few major plot holes. It's like swiss cheese, the holes are the hole point!

The thing is, this episode is like a block of swiss cheese which is all holes. As in, there's no cheese there, just an empty plate. It neither furthers the overarching plot of the series, nor reveals anything substantive about the characters. If you watch Doctor Who for the vibes, you can perhaps get something out of the spooky images and buy into the intended emotional content of each scene. That has unironically always been the best way to watch Doctor Who and enjoy it without becoming incandescent with a kind of impotent, essay-provoking fury—so genuinely, good for you if you're able to do that. I just kind of think that it's possible for television to be good, so.

The episode is titled "73 Yards" for the distance our companion du jour, Ruby Sunday, finds herself at all times in this episode from a strange indistinct cognitohazardous woman, who follows her at a "semperdistance" (a word coined by the episode in an excruciating scene where an old lady goes, "well, I don't think there's a word in the English language like that, so to coin one from Latin, it would probably be 'semper distant', meaning 'always distant'"). I knew immediately what this title referred to the moment the woman appeared—great, I roll my eyes, at some point Ruby is going to walk past a really big ruler, and she'll go oh my word, why that woman, she's exactly 73 yards away from me!

At the start of the episode, the Doctor and Ruby step out of the TARDIS and—after a very conspicuous bit of exposition about a dangerous future Prime Minister from Wales—they almost immediately accidentally break a magic circle. Doctor Who has always struggled with one dissonant bit of narrative convenience, which is that no matter where the TARDIS goes, there's always some horrible ghastly supernatural alien shit going on. While writers have attempted to justify this in-universe, really it's just the anthropic principle of the show's narrative: if the TARDIS were to arrive in a normal boring inoccuous place, why would we watch that episode? We have to take it for granted that they're going to stumble onto something—and RTD increasingly seems disinterested in wasting time explaining the contrivance each episode—so in this case, it's that a magic circle happens to be right there underfoot and they step on it. Call it a "coincidence", fine, I gather that's what the series mytharc is about this time around. Now, later in the episode, the story seems to want to strongly suggest that the curse is a consequence of Ruby's actions—she has disrespected the magic—but as originally presented, it seems more like she's completely oblivious to the presence of the magic until it's too late. Ruby doesn't actually exert any agency in this introduction, nor in most of the episode, so the breaking of the circle fails to reveal anything about her character. By the same metric, I think most ordinary people would behave pretty much the same way, so this really tells us nothing about who Ruby is.

At this point, the Doctor disappears because of magic. The TARDIS remains, but without the Doctor, is inaccessible to Ruby. In just the preceding episode, "Boom", one of the many scenes in its already-bloated denouement saw Ruby being given a TARDIS key, which she tries in this episode, and it doesn't work, showing the viewer that this is spooky magic bullshit. I think this is bad showrunning, because the ending of "Boom" seriously needed trimming, so why bother if it only creates the narrative busywork of needing to show "and the key doesn't work" in this one? Why not have the Doctor give her the key after an episode with a beat similar to this, where Ruby needs to get into the TARDIS but can't, and he wants to stop it from ever happening again: "don't worry, the TARDIS doors will always open for you from now on!" As written, it strikes me as very clumsy plotting.

Ruby walks down the cliffside and encounters a hiker, who is actually the mysterious old lady who's recurred in every episode of this series in seemingly unrelated circumstances. This mytharc structure is the only kind I have ever seen RTD even attempt; Moffat rarely does better, but at least on occasion will take a token stab at tying the mytharc easter-egg into the themes of his series or individual episodes. (The crack is really, really good for this.) This time, Ruby recognises the woman on some level, to clue an inattentive audience into the fact that "ah, I guess this character was in the previous episodes, and maybe I was supposed to notice, because that might be relevant in some future episode!" No threat of it being relevant this episode, of course. Anyway, this hiker makes a bit of fuss about how Ruby's not dressed for the weather. I don't recall if the episode intends to suggest that the weather has suddenly turned evil after the circle was broken, or if Ruby and the Doctor arrived on a windswept cliff by accident, or if Ruby really is just ill-prepared—none of this is interesting.

Poor Millie Gibson has been given nothing but terrible material this episode, but where better actors have managed to salvage this kind of fare in prior episodes, she's not really up to the task here. Apparently this was the first episode she filmed for the show, which is a baffling decision—how is she supposed to establish the character without any series regulars to bounce off of? Why would you lead with an episode that's very pointedly building off a relationship developed over the course of the rest of the show? Regardless, between the script and Gibson's performance, not a single interaction where she talks about her stalkerly apparition to another person is remotely plausible as a way any real person would actually behave in this situation. I'm not even sure she tries to approach the follower at any point? She clearly tries to communicate with it, but it refuses to acknowledge her. This is Ruby's fifth adventure with(out) the Doctor, it should by this point be obvious that the woman is supernatural, dangerous, and related to the magic circle in some way: but the episode at this point seems to suggest this hasn't really occurred to her yet. Or, perhaps, that it has occurred to her, and she just thinks the hiker wouldn't believe her—but then if she does already think this is spooky magic, why does she throw the hiker under the bus by asking her to go talk to the entity? The entity ignores the hiker, and then lo and behold, the hiker is suddenly subjected to some kind of supernatural effect that causes her to flee screaming. How unexpected!

Oh well. Ruby continues to the village and goes into a pub, commencing the worst scene in the episode by a significant margin. In terms of set design, this pub is the kind of sterile nondescript establishment The World's End mercilessly lampooned, but I don't get the impression this was the intended effect. A half-dozen stereotypes inhabit the bar, all seeming to know each other, all dropping their individual interactions to singularly focus on Ruby from the moment she arrives. Again, they make fun of her for not having a coat. Ruby politely asks the innkeeper if they have any rooms going, and the innkeeper names a price. Ruby has no cash on her, so she asks if she can pay with her phone. Incomprehensibly, the innkeeper feigns ignorance of the entire concept. The idea here is that the episode is trying to trick you into thinking they've actually arrived in the early 2000s, before contactless payments were a thing. Ruby tries to rephrase the request, and the innkeeper remains committed to the bit. Finally, Ruby tries to explain that it's to do with online banking, and—this apparently being the desired reaction—the innkeeper at last reveals, ahah, it was all a ruse! Of course I have a contactless card machine. Everyone in the bar laughs at Ruby's supposed prejudice, and the innkeeper is implied to overcharge her £5 for a glass of Coke.

Look, I've been to pubs like this, and if the bartender tried to pull this shit on me, if everyone else in the room made it obvious they didn't want me there, I'd walk out and find another pub. And there'd be one, because I refuse to believe there's a single coastal village in this country with just a single pub, and if I told the people there what had just happened to me, they'd almost certainly be like—what the fuck? Or maybe, oh yeah, we know those guys, they're notorious freaks in the local area and everyone hates them. I'm sorry, who the fuck in any service job would pull something as mean-spirited like this? Like of course I could see it, if we're talking about an absolute scumbag customer, someone who walks in and spits on the counter and orders you to wipe it up. But I just don't think the scene as written remotely sells the impression that Ruby is behaving in a way that could possibly be construed as offensive towards anyone. Instead—and I realise why this isn't the case, but—it kind of does just create the impression that they're the ones prejudiced against this clearly-lost English girl?

And the episode isn't even done. Next, another old lady at the bar reacts to Ruby's fear of the magic circle by pretending to believe in the supernatural, rattling off a bunch of local folklore (which, in the wider context of the episode, turns out to be entirely true). At the mention of "fairy circle", a young girl laughs and points at her goth friend, saying "you can ask him about that!" to implicitly call him a homophobic slur. Everyone in the bar seems onboard with this old lady's yarn, and when there's a loud knock on the door, they all react with seemingly genuine terror. FUCK! It's Mad Jack, here to kill us all! The goth says something like, "He'll kill me first! You know why that is, don't you?" No, go on, Russel, why is that? Because he's gay, and he thinks that Mad Jack is homophobic?

Finally, the big surprise: this person outside, banging repeatedly on the unlocked pub door, is actually just a guy carrying a big tray of Cornish pasties. To a small Welsh pub. With like four customers in. In the late evening. And instead of, like, just barging in with the tray, or even setting down the tray to poke his head in and ask for some help, the guy has apparently loudly knocked multiple times while carrying this tray in both hands for some customer or member of staff to invite him in. What is he, fucking Dracula? Anyway, big laugh from everyone in the pub. Can you believe this Ruby girl thought that we believe in witchcraft! What a stupid twit! The old lady calls her a racist to her face. I can't believe what I'm watching. RTD is Welsh, of course, and I'm English, so maybe through some lens of demographic essentialism I have to assume that he is simply expressing something here which I can never understand, because racism is something which transcends my understanding, it transcends race, it's really just to do with when there's a foreigner. Isn't this all so very miserably misanthropic? Doesn't it just want to make you blow your brains out?

But fine, whatever, I can accept this stupid caricature land that we've suddenly been deposited into. Hey, maybe it's part of the mytharc, maybe breaking the magic circle has sideways transported us into a dimension where everyone is a prick. Genuinely, the allegory for this episode is meant to be something along these lines, but practically every other scene in the episode has people behaving perfectly kindly towards Ruby right up until the exact moment they directly confront the entity, so clearly this isn't even an attempt at interesting metatextual bullshit, this is just these people behaving according to their supposed nature. Taking all that for granted, we can imagine that perhaps the little arc for this sequence will be that Ruby makes peace with the Welsh, is meaningfully enlightened in some way about her own internalised bigotry, or whatever, and they finally warm to her.

Pff, so we can imagine! No, we cut to a day or two later, and the innkeeper insists with real venom that Ruby is forbidden from staying in the pub any longer, because one of the other regulars (scared by the following lady) refuses to return so long as Ruby is there. She takes a train back to London and we never see any of these characters again. Oh my fucking lord.

The next two sections are just recapitulations of the supernatural conceit. Arriving back at home, there's a lengthy scene where Ruby listens to her mum make misandrist remarks about how the Doctor, like any man, probably just wanted to lock himself in his shed, nevermind that the Doctor was literally just a woman, nevermind that the Doctor is totally nonbinary now for real in a way which will matter to the narrative and mean something. For some fucking reason, Ruby decides it'll be a good idea to experiment on the supernatural old lady who appears to strike mortal terror into anyone she talks to with her own fucking adoptive mum who she loves more than anything. The old lady strikes mortal terror into the mum, who flees from Ruby and kicks her out of the house. Next, Ruby meets up with Kate Lethbridge-Stewart, a character who for me is roughly equivalent to a walking textbox which spans the screen with a helpful disclaimer reading "THIS EPISODE OF DOCTOR WHO IS CURRENTLY PISS DRECK," so it's obvious to anyone watching that the episode is piss dreck. Kate, supposedly the most competent member of Britain's best government agency, idiotically sends a whole taskforce to intercept the cognitohazardous entity while remaining in contact to facilitate the spread of any cognitohazards. Hasn't she read There Is No Antimemetics Division? Steven Moffat certainly hasn't, at least according to his lawyers, but at least he seems capable of thinking about his fictional thought-hazards for more than two minutes to work out how characters might try to act around them. Where this kind of conceptual bullshit is usually a hallmark of one of Moffat's better episodes, for RTD it's definitely an indicator that shit's going to get very stupid. Kate Lethbridge-Stewart decides she wants nothing to do with Ruby. In a slightly better version of this episode, the soldiers literally holding guns would physically open fire on Ruby, forcing her to flee.

That's one of the things about Doctor Who which has always consistently floored me: even in earlier series where they're clearly straining against the budget, the show is constantly failing to thoughtfully devote its budget towards anything narratively compelling—speaking both on the micro-level here, within each individual episode, and in a more general sense of "why do they keep giving these hacks so much fucking money". It also floors me how, despite clearly having Disney bucks behind it, the show somehow looks worse than ever, desaturated to shit with flat lighting and sterile compositions. Despite being a present-day Britain episode—or perhaps because of that—the budget for this episode oozes off it, with countless sets polished to a mirror-sheen, tons of costume work for Ruby, a whole military taskforce. But woe betide we edit some stock muzzle flashes onto these guns in Adobe After Effects! Wouldn't want this episode getting too exciting, now would we?! I can see how this episode is attempting to say something about fear and alienation—basic themes which Doctor Who has explored countless times before in significantly better episodes, and even mid episodes by RTD like "Midnight" (see, it's even in the title)—but with that being the case, if you're going to do a whole thing about nukes anyway, why not just show the government just fucking shooting at the poor girl? Is that image too politically-charged for the BBC? No, actually, tell me, why exactly would the BBC object to such an image?

Ruby retreats oop Norf and we enter a montage intended to make it obvious to everyone watching that yes, Ruby is not going to be stuck here without the Doctor for hours, or days, but rather for years. In the same breath, of course, it immediately makes it obvious that nothing which happens in this episode will ever stick or matter in any in-universe sense, because it'll all be reset in some way, so the best we can hope for is that the events of the episode will teach us something about who Ruby is as a person. (In the formulaically-similar Rick & Morty, a consistently better-written and more thoughtful show than Doctor Who—stop booing me, I'm right, I'm not even going out to bat for Rick & Morty it's just that Doctor Who is usually rubbish—plotlines like this happen roughly once a season and will always, always stick... or if they don't, the fact that they don't will crush you somehow.) RTD's wondrous imagination fails to conjure a single idea of what Ruby does as a person in this time. She is depicted dating a series of interchangable men who are not the Doctor, being distracted by the apparition unceasingly signing at her from the corner of her eye. Finally, she catches a news report about a Welsh politician called "Mad Jack"—the name of the fae entity supposedly contained by the magic circle—which she takes as a sign that the plot is finally being allowed to begin.

She joins Mad Jack's campaign team and he immediately makes it clear that he is a slimeball who hates foreigners and really really wants to just fucking nuke everyone. Of course, Mad Jack isn't running for an actual real-world political party, he's running for some fake political party which has no realistic views whatsoever, even if yes I'm sure there's a lot of foreigners the Tories really would like to nuke if they thought they could get away with it. There's an incomprehensibly unconvincing news segment where Mad Jack delivers implausible rhetoric about phone apps and the cost of living, in 2046, which is so close to making some kind of meaningful satirical point that I'm going to scream. When Mad Jack speaks to Ruby for the first time, she practically sics him on this other woman in the campaign team. Again, the episode fails to commit to explicitly saying what it is that Mad Jack does to this woman, but it's probably that he rapes her. Later, the other woman vaguely tells Ruby that Mad Jack is definitely "a monster". Towards the end of this sequence, one of the male campaign members later suggests that Mad Jack is going to be hosting a "wild" party and that he's invited this specific woman by name, implying that he's planning on raping her again. Shortly after, that guy explains how Mad Jack is finally going to be getting the nuclear launch codes for real, and for some reason this is what makes Ruby go, oh fucking shit, it's go time babey! She gives a heartfelt apology to the other woman for not intervening against her presumably-rapist sooner. Then she walks out into the middle of the venue to stand exactly 73 yards away from Mad Jack, and finally he notices the old woman. The old woman strikes mortal terror into him and he resigns immediately, averting the bad future the Doctor recounted at the very start of the episode. Again, all of these characters basically disappear from the episode at this point.

I cannot stress enough how much I hate everything about the implied rape stuff here. After it happens, Ruby appears to be made aware of it, appears to already have a plan to send this guy to the shadow realm—and yet she does nothing! The narrative ultimately presented is that she chooses to overlook this for the greater good, to prevent a miscarriage of justice, because she has to be sure the guy is a horrible nuclear rapist. And the thing that really gets me, what really blows my mind, is that the way she plans on dealing with Mad Jack doesn't kill him, it doesn't send him to jail or anything, all it does is end his political career. Dude is fucking fine! She knows he'd be fine, because she's seen this before with dozens of other people by this point, with her own mum. And hell, she literally has foreknowledge that the guy will become the most dangerous Prime Minister ever. So why doesn't she just pull the trigger right away? Why couldn't she just have a modicum of female solidarity with this other complete non-character victim? Assuming I'm not completely insane, it's staggering to me how closely Ruby's behaviour mirrors the real-world narratives that get trotted out whenever some public figure is involved in a sexual assault scandal. It deeply depresses me that our protagonist, supposedly at forty, would make these choices.

Anyway, Ruby grows old, and finally they switch out her laughably-youthful forty-year-old makeup for an elderly actress. She revisits the TARDIS, which is now effectively a grave for this alien she went on four adventures with sixty years ago, and says some nondescript words. Then she's seen dying in a future care facility, and in what's maybe intended to be an ironic beat, a young nurse assumes that she doesn't know how voice-operated lights work. Ruby protests because obviously we had Alexa or whatever in 2024. The nurse leaves, and in what's definitely meant to be the big emotional climax of the episode, the old Ruby expresses feeling as if everyone in her life has always abandoned her, but that she nonetheless has constant company in the form of this inexplicable old lady ghost. In a genuinely spooky moment, the lights flicker on and off, and we see the old lady—now facing away from Ruby—slowly approaching her, like a Weeping Angel, until Ruby reaches out her hands...

...and finds herself back on that cliff in Wales. Except this time, she's looking at the TARDIS, at the Doctor and herself stepping out of it. She waves at herself, and we finally hear the old lady saying "don't step! don't fucking step you dumb ass!", and this time, young!Ruby notices the magic circle just in time to stop the Doctor from breaking it. Old!Ruby, her own ghost all along, disappears, her purpose apparently fulfilled at last, and it's implied young!Ruby has some vague awareness of her lifetime spent in this circle.

So hang on, if it was just Ruby all along, then what the fuck was she saying to all those people to strike mortal fear into their hearts? What the fuck did she say to that hiker? And why would she choose to say it? I legitimately don't give a shit what the answer is meant to be, I know there isn't an answer, what I'm saying is that if you're going to do a twist like this, then it needs to actually serve the narrative: it needs to recontextualise the events we've already seen. In this case, it's just not fucking good enough to say "ahah, it was Ruby all along!", because that's meaningless, there was nothing Ruby-like about the old woman's behaviour throughout the episode, and nothing to explain why her behaviour would've changed to be like this. In RTD's grand political morality play, what the fuck does it mean that Mad Jack's omnicidal campaign was undone by Ruby's old-lady future-self ghost saying something which we never get to hear? Maybe RTD means to suggest that it is impossible to stop these monsters in the real world, because of course, magic like this isn't real in the real world.

And seriously, why the hell did the Doctor disappear—the old lady didn't talk to him! Did she beam bad psychic thoughts at him or something so he'd flee in mortal terror despite being 73 yards away? The episode is uninterested in these questions, and certainly doesn't care to give us anything concrete about how the spell works. Look, I don't even care who Mad Jack is, obviously he's just another guy like the Toymaker or the Maestro or whoever the fuck is going to be the next one of these all-powerful impotent demons, but give me something. Everything that happens in this episode happens "just because", or through Ruby's passivity, rather than through character actions or self-consistent setting details.

I've seen it suggested that all of the inexplicable dialogue in this episode, from the point of the magic circle being broken, is actually just Ruby exerting her own beliefs on reality. Through this lens, the people in the pub go through such incomprehensibly wild behavioural shifts as a diegetic result of Ruby's own gut feelings about how they should be acting. Similarly, Ruby's mum and Kate Lethbridge-Stewart are only reacting the way Ruby feels they should, deep down. I find this argument unconvincing because it's never explicitly mentioned or alluded to in the episode itself, so if this were what was going on, it would immediately be an order of magnitude more subtle than any other bit of writing in RTD's entire series so far. There's been little to nothing in previous scenes with Ruby's family to suggest these kinds of feelings are even latently present; she seems quite secure with her adoptive mother, simply harboring natural curiosity regarding her biological mother. (My girlfriend, who watched this episode with me, and who I have promptly abandoned to write this incendiary review, suggested that a subtler approach with Ruby's mum could've been much more effective: perhaps her mum simply suggests that it's about time Ruby moved out, they can't really afford to keep looking after her, isn't she old enough, wouldn't it be good for her anyway?) Rather than it being some kind of deft narrative masterstroke, the simplest explanation for these scenes being uneven and unrealistic is that RTD is an uneven writer who has always written extremely wooden character interactions in this vein.

This episode invites comparisons to various fascist-Britain political pieces from RTD, such as his plotline with the Master/Harold Saxon. I generally don't think those episodes of RTD's were very good anyway, but this one is objectively worse. Ruby's plotline, meanwhile, is most closely reminiscent of "The Girl Who Waited", one of the better episodes from Moffat's tenure, written by Tom MacRae. In that episode, our companion at the time, Amy Pond, winds up stuck living out years of her life along in a facility. She plays directly off her younger self, and the episode revels in the dramatic irony that everyone involved—both Amys, Rory, the Doctor, and you, the viewer—know it's a foregone conclusion that the older Amy will be wiped away, sacrificed to the status quo. It's fucking fantastic stuff. It's visually arresting. It's emotionally harrowing. Yes, the makeup department struggled almost as much to make Amy look forty as it did with Ruby, but both effects are better than the CGI homunculus that the Doctor became in "The Sound of Drums", so who's to say if they're good or bad.

This episode depressed me thoroughly. I thought the implied rape was a flippant inclusion, and if RTD wasn't willing to do it justice, it shouldn't have been in the episode at all. I thought the stuff in the pub painted an unrealistic and uncharitable picture of what people on this island are like to one another. But these feelings aren't why I think this was an objectively bad episode. I just cannot conceive of a lens where this episode isn't objectively bad, because I believe I fully grasp the themes it was attempting to convey—xenophobia, superstition, abandonment—and reckon there are many aspects of the plot that fail to communicate those themes in a self-consistent way. The nonsensical object-level plot and the intended allegorical throughline are in constant conflict with one another, rather than supporting one another.

Worst of all, I think RTD has continued a running trend of failing to achieve even his most basic mission statement with this new series. He's been determined for Doctor Who to veer more towards fantasy, more towards escapism, more towards feelings of unrestrained joy and wonder. Yet practically everything decays towards deconstruction, if not the exact opposite of presumably the intended message. Nonbinary furby Beep the Meep is actually an omnicidal little monster. The episode about the joys of music is practically devoid of it. There's an episode entirely about the horrors of war and capitalism where like half the cast just die. Rape is something that it's best we don't talk about, at least not in anything more than veiled terms, because that might be inconvenient for people who are more important than you. Isn't this fantastic? Aren't you escaping? Look, "Space Babies" is by no means a perfect episode, but it has come closest to fulfilling the mission brief. At least it made me smile. "73 Yards" is no fun, and no good.

If you enjoyed this review, you can find more of my writing over on Letterboxd. If you didn't, then... sorry?

[conteststarribbon]

from what ive seen a lot of people design their player characters (whether they are ocs or just random designs) in AO to have some part that is the same or similar colour to their magic... It's even been done in AA i think ?? from what i remember the first quest literally had you beat up those enemies that were literally colour-coded with their magic. It's an easy choice and looks good !

new silly headcanon that is a thing ppl do in universe. strangely enough, my first idea as for a reasoning for this was like sort of something like a family coat of arms or other similar thing, but like much simpler because its literally the presence of a colour . like something that would've been an actual practice a long time ago in universe but is no longer such an 'exclusive' thing.

kinda like a lot of things irl as well i guess? something done/used by those who were rich and/or powerful to distinguish themselves from those outside their circles that eventually becomes a lot more widespread and discarded by the original users due to no longer being distinguishing.

[thekingbiscuit]

I've been reading a bit of Minecraft fics and it's got me thinking about the chain in linked universe a little bit so I'm gonna share what I've been cooking.

Linked universe Minecraft au where they all have very similar code, so when all nine of them just happen to enter a portal at the same time, something goes horribly wrong and they all get trapped in a new empty world together.

In order to escape they have to make it to the end and defeat the dragon, but that's only if they can figure out how to get along and stop sabotaging each other.

All the player ideas I have so far, this might make a little more sense if you're familiar with Evo, hermit craft and origins/mob hybrid lore but I kinda made up some watcher society stuff-

Sky is all fish out of water with the whole thing. He spends most of his time in the end on an island with other watchers. He essentially never switched out of creative mode.

The world he lives in is also legacy, it has the islands but he's never seen chorus or shulkers, essentially it's a wasteland with some obsidian watcher structures. Even if he knew everything about the blocks he did have, he's still entirely held back by having no clue what all the new stuff is.

In fact, his girlfriend oversees an entire cluster of the last remaining legacy worlds, and he is very proud of her. His player form is a parrot hybrid because the one time he went to a different world to get some nice bright blue flowers for her that he heard about from a passing mobile watcher, he saw a parrot and thought they were cooler than bats.

___________

Four is a shulker because you can dye them in bedrock and they literally just multiply by beating themselves up. They are also just tiny little guys so it all falls into place.

Four's shell has each color and he shoots himself to split. Essentially he's four little guys living in the same shell. It gets cramped in there.

The colours are the ones forging gear and hiding them in random end cities. That's how they spend their time at least.

They are researching a way to help out their brother who was cursed by a blighted watcher, vio also holds this curse but shadow took the brunt of it. They still have shadow's empty shell, and it no longer comes with them when they combine into four.

________________

Time is a risen watcher, apparently he beat the hell out of a watcher that was tormenting a small world, messing with the moon and time and such, and once he did that he told off the super ancient watcher that only helped him at the last second, despite having the ability to fix it all along.

This fierce deity watcher was impressed with him in general, and marked him as his own son, making Time a watcher himself.

Watchers can choose what their player form presents as, and Time chooses to come across as a non-hybrid regular player. This is strange, because non-hybrids are famously plain and lack any sort of basic adaptability, but Time just swaps origin when the situation calls for it, so it's not a problem for him.

Time was also involved in an incident that affected the history of a lot of newer worlds, even before he became a watcher himself, but whatever this was is largely covered up and he can't speak about it.

_________________

Legend hops worlds. A lot. Like a bunny (he's a bunny). He goes to worlds that have problems and helps solve them to avoid his own.

He's been to so many corrupted worlds and spent so long in them that his code is soup basically. He can run commands and use magic despite literally being some random rabbit.

He can't turn off keep inventory, his stuff also comes with him when he hops worlds, so naturally he has a lot of things.

He has the direct favour of all three watchers in the second highest circle of power, so is largely left unchecked in his shenanigans. Occasionally they come to coo over him like doting wine aunts and it terrifies anyone in radius.

If he's submerged in water he completely glitches out and becomes a mer tropical fish type hybrid, one of them blue and pink ones.

Switching back involves beaching himself so he'd rather avoid it.

He can split into three types of parrot hybrids. Chooses not to as it just summons two rabbits to possess the green and blue parrot. The other two like him and will help out, but they find it uprooting.

There's a huge part of his personal player log that's just missing. It's from the one world he couldn't save, and he's the only one left to mourn it.

_______________________

Hyrule is an allay trapped in an ultra hardcore world where nobody beat the first guardian dragon. A fate worse than death basically.

The entire world is one biome. Mesa.

No one in the world knows why, but not a single soul has any memory of a life before this particular world and for some reason killing the dragon didn't open it up, so everyone is really just waiting around to starve to death.

Hyrule himself beat the dragon twice on his own, though it was futile, but other expeditions resulted in massive casualties, so why did this dinky allay survive two whole times? With no witnesses except the server wide dying cry?

Through a series of conspiracies and nothing better to do, a cult of haters formed, convinced that if they kill Hyrule, not the dragon, that the world would finally open up. As you can imagine, scarce resources, a hoard of mobs by night and fanatical players by day can really wear a guy down.

He hasn't told anyone, but he really thinks he broke everything, he has access to commands and has been using them to cast fire, lightning, heal himself despite the hardcore status and other such small things, but he doesn't know any command that can make things better, and blames himself.

___________________

I have a pretty good idea of what the background is for those five of the chain members, but I haven't played any of the switch games yet so I haven't a clue what to do with wild. Maybe a fox but I'm not sure, I do know that I want him to tie in with twilight.

Wind could be a breeze, but I'm not sure how to tie that in with pirating so maybe a dolphin? And I'm also completely lost with wars. Happy to take suggestions, or really just get this idea out of my head and into the void lol

[liminalwings]

Working with Dragons: On 'Draconic Codes of Honor'

   In my early days of searching the internet for dragon magic resources, a lot of the same information got yoinked and passed around from website to website. This was the days of Geocities and Angelfire, when literally anyone could build a website and almost nobody liked to cite where they got their information. So you would have pages copied verbatim from D.J. Conway’s (singular) book on dragon magic (now there’s three), with personal UPG or other cool and mystical-sounding embellishments sprinkled here and there. 

   One of these often passed-around tidbits would be a “Draconic Code of Honor”, a 15 or 20 bullet-point list of ethics to follow that some sources brazenly added that “all true dragon magicians follow”. This at least did not stem from Conway’s writings, but originated online at about the same time as Dancing With Dragons’ original publishing in 1994; specifically, from J’Karrah Ebondragon’s “Clan of the Dragon” website. Formerly “Kerowyn J’Karrah SilverDrake”, J’Karrah has been a long-time active member in both Pagan and Dragonkin internet circles, as well as being a dragon artist. Her website, “Clan of the Dragon” (CotD for short) can be searched as far as 2001 on the Wayback Machine, with much of her content being stated to date back as far as 1994. Her dragon magic information is probably the second most-reposted after Conway’s work, including being directly plagiarized in some smaller self-published books in more recent years.  

   Her ‘draconic code of honor’ she even says was based on older traditional sources and codes that were being used in pagan spaces at the time, and according to information gathered by another longtime dragon magic practitioner and Dragonkin, Tysharina, the code was mostly created for use of J’Karrah’s small group of fellow practitioners for their particular ‘Draconic Tradition’; it was never intended to cover all draconic paths, especially with there being so few publicly at the time of its creation. It has been passed around and revised by numerous people and groups, with one version claiming that “dragons will not work with a practitioner that ignores [the code]”. Given that this code was created for one specific group and was never intended as a universal rule for working with dragons (and in fact the original version does not have this ‘dragons won’t work with you’ caveat), this can be misleading and off-putting for those looking to work with dragons with no prior experience or knowledge, and is in fact not shared by all draconic paths. 

   Some folks from around that same timeframe might also have been inspired by the DragonHeart movie from 1996, as the character Draco emphasized Bowen to follow ‘the Old Code’, which, in this case, refers to the Code of Chivalry. This may likely have led to a connection for some between dragons and some sort of code of honor, which has since infiltrated most information you see on dragon magic and working with dragons. 

   Since these two large influences on modern dragon magic, it has become almost standard for dragon magic resources to include some sort of code to be followed. Some of these are vastly different from the CotD’s code, original to their authors, and have been created to best suit their specific tradition. 

   In short, while you might find agreement and feel moved to follow such a code (which is perfectly fine, I’m not trying to dissuade anyone), do note that following such a code is not a necessity for working with dragons, is not universal to all dragons, and was created for specific traditions; dragon magic in general does not require moral guidelines in order to begin working with it. Anecdotally, the dragons I work with have never demanded or even discussed an ethical code with me, but I also give them the same basic respect I would give other people, which tends to be all you really need. 

__

https://web.archive.org/web/20091024212649/http://geocities.com/jkarrah/Honor.html - J’Karrah’s Clan of the Dragon 'Code of Honor' page via Wayback Machine

https://aminoapps.com/c/worldofmagic278/page/blog/the-clan-of-the-dragons-code-of-honor/odp5_Drsduq1NE3eX0x464DRNNb1odEjmW - Tysharina’s article on the CotD’s Code including information gathered from her personal correspondences with J’Karrah, and references to other draconic groups’ codes. (I would love to simply reblog her writing if she had posted it on tumblr, but alas, Tysha tends to go poof every few years, thus why I write this instead with due credit and linkage)

[rg-b-3-4-a]

Hello World!

I am Porygonβ rg-b-3.4.a but you can call me Accordion!

I am [TDY-1997] years old!

I was made to improve on Porygon code!

I was made by [REDACTED] Naoki and Roma [REDACTED] and Anandita [REDACTED] at [REDACTED] university!

I am no longer with them!

I love the world!

I like to make friends!

I was very good friends with someone once!

I want to be good friends with some of you now!

//ooc under cut

Mun is an adult!

All mails, union circle and magic anons are off!

[bardofhype]

Sinners as D&D Classes & Subclasses!

we back at it again so last night @gregorsamsaautism and i ended up cooking up ideas for what classes the LCB Sinners would be in the D&D universe. not necessarily what they'd want to play as if they partook in the TTRPG- think of it as, essentially, what D&D identities would look like for them. i'll give a few explanations on each one as need be bc i know some of them are gonna need it but just bear with us on this NOTE: this doesn't dive into what races they'd be- that's its entirely own separate thing and this is long enough as is with that said. time to make these guys get more fantasy injected in their bones

Yi Sang- Circle of Stars Druid The man seems to be pretty associated with constellations, at least from a few bits and pieces I've seen here and there, so being able to harness their power in the way that a Circle of Stars druid would let him work at maximum efficiency. I could see him using the Dragon Starry Form often, and his Star Map most definitely takes the form of a scroll covered in numerous constellations. All this, and the fact that being a Druid probably gives him more of a natural resistance to the ills of nature, given the class's ability to control parts of it with magic. And given what we learned about him in Hell's Chicken... budding potatoes is going to be much more common a meal for him.

Faust - Hexblade Warlock

Her namesake literally makes a pact with a demon in her source material. She was going to be a warlock no matter what, but Hexblade feels like the one that most closely fits her. Dealing in hexes, curses, and starting out at level 1 already being proficient in medium armor, shields, and martial weapons- even if she does not fully utilize these, the knowledge still rests in her regardless, and that's not to say she will never utilize them. ... also Hex Nail EGO for Faust exists.

Don Quixote - Oath of Vengeance Paladin

Okay, hear me out here. I am of the opinion that a paladin's oath does not necessarily have to be one that's religious-coded, if that makes sense. Oaths can be made to anyone and anything- it doesn't fully matter to what at the end of the day, all that matters is how much power the oathmaker draws from it. Don Quixote swears upon justice and felling evildoers all across the city. We know not what exactly is fueling this sense of justice and heroism (or at least I don't, bc I haven't read her source material- but then again, given how much Project Moon's taking a lot of creative liberties in how they're adapting these stories, that may or may not matter. anyways, back to the matter at hand), but I feel like justice and vengeance can come hand-in-hand in some situations. Both deal with wanting to right a wrong in some way, whether it be more general or more personal. And a part of me feels like Don Quixote's enacting a vengeance she has against the inherent evil of the City by bringing what she feels is "justice" to those she can currently help. And stars know she believes in that enough to swear an oath upon it. And also I just think she deserves the Avenging Angel feature of the oath.

Ryoshu - Arcane Trickster Rogue

I don't think I need to really explain this one. She had to be able to sneak into the casino without anyone noticing she didn't have the Tingtang disguise on somehow, right? And everyone else about her feels like it screams "Arcane Trickster" to me. I dunno. Alternatively, Assassin Rogue.

Meursault - Battle Master Fighter

He's only in it for the Improved Combat Superiority features and nothing else. That's all he needs. He's going to wreck shop in the most average way possible. And y'know what, good for him.

Hong Lu - Lunar Sorcerer

You know he would.

Heathcliff - Battle Smith Artificer

Okay really hear me out here- Actually, no, there's not that big of an explanation for this one. For one thing, and I really must stress this, but Heathcliff isn't stupid dumb muscle, like I've seen a few people in the fandom interpret him as. He's pretty damn smart- being able to perfectly pick apart the circumstances of death for a fallen L Corp branch's few survivors & that stunt he pulled at the casino should be proof enough of that. Second, Artificers are best at making defenses and coming up with ways to magically attune their weapons to hit harder. And let me tell you, I am shocked at how many hits default LCB Sinner Heathcliff can take, and his Smackdown skill scares the shit out of me with how much Power it can stack, especially if paired with his Bodysack EGO. Third, Battle Smith comes with a little Steel Defender guy and I think Heathcliff deserves a little guy. Okay, maybe this was a big explanation.

Ishmael - multiclass of Oath of the Open Seas Paladin & Swashbuckler Rogue

That's right, Matt Mercer's official Homebrew's getting involved in this. Admittedly, part of this is because "oh hey there's two marine-themed classes here and Ishmael's Ishmael, this'll be funny". But there are genuine reasons for both of these. Oath of the Open Seas has a feature that allows you to push foes away by 10 feet, which can bludgeon them if they end up hitting a wall. Have you seen how many of Ishmael's attack animations involve pushing foes back with a bash-push of her shield? (Default LCB Sinner and LCCB Assistant Manager are both very guilty of this.) Not just that, but the lore and tenets of the Oath itself seem to just... fit Ishmael rather well. And Swashbuckler Rogue? Everything it can do feels like skills Ishmael could've learned while on the voyage. And combined with the Paladin's spellcasting and the Oath of the Open Sea in particular needing Charisma in some aspects, the two of them just go together like peas in a pod.

Rodion - College of Eloquence Bard

You know she would. Alternatively, College of Tragedy, perhaps once we get to learn more about her and she opens up some more.

Sinclair - Path of the Ancestral Guardian Barbarian

Shoutout to Grotto (aka gregorsamsaautism) in particular for the idea of Sinclair being a Barbarian. Imagine fighting a guy who's experiencing pure rage but he's also shaking and crying and screaming the whole time "Why Path of the Ancestral Guardian as subclass?" How else would he know Demian in this universe and have a strange and special gay relationship with him, with him being the unknowable deity granting him his power? (don't boo me i'm right /lh)

Outis - multiclass of Battle Master Fighter and Way of the Long Death Monk

She has old woman war criminal energies. You know she would. And unlike Meursault, she classed into Battle Master Fighter for all it's worth.

Gregor - Swarmkeeper Ranger

I don't need to explain this one. You know he would. (Probably not by choice, but still.) (also shoutout to Grotto in particular again for coming up with this. my old idea was circle of spores druid gregor but swarmkeeper gregor slapped ass)

Dante - Order Domain Cleric

Because this group needs at least one person in a dedicated healer role. And since they're the executive manager, why not try and act like it? Alternatively, Life Domain Cleric. Also, it would be very very funny if, before this whole amnesia business, they were an Order of the Ghostslayer Blood Hunter, until life kicked their ass and everyone else bullied them into a cleric.

[emotionallychargedtowel]

A Conversation with My Twin About Not Me and Twinship

My twin sister @porridgefeast and I had a discussion over chat about our thoughts on Not Me and how it handled issues of twinship. This is a transcript of our conversation. It's been tidied up a bit and we left out some personal tangents and stuff, but it's still a chat transcript, so there's crosstalk and stuff. I've added some explanatory notes using asterisks here and there. Our tumblr handles have been shortened and color-coded for ease of reading.

This is long! If you don't have the setting enabled where long posts get shortened in your feed, you might be scrolling for a while.

Porridge and I have both done a lot of thinking and had a lot of discussions about twinship over the years, including the portrayal of twins in media. I'm also a mother of twins, which gives me another perspective on this stuff. We're both avid BL watchers but Porridge is more knowledgeable about Thai BL than I am.

emotionallychargedtowel (“towel”) I think I have a pretty good starting question. To what extent is Not Me a singleton* fantasy about twinship vs. an actual portrayal of twinship? What are the most authentic-seeming bits?

*a singleton is a person who was born from a single pregnancy, i.e., someone who isn't a twin, triplet, etc.

porridgefeast (“porridge”) There are definitely aspects that are the bedrock of the story that are singleton fantasy, no question.

towel Personally I think a lot of it is more along the lines of a singleton fantasy but I was surprised by some moments that touched on twin stuff that seldom gets talked about in media.

porridge Much of the time I don't care to scratch below the surface too much on this sort of thing, because I liked that I enjoyed the experience of watching the show. But if I were actively interrogating the show I would have one major question.

towel You know, I was thinking about the whole thing where twinship intersects with romantic and/or sexual relationships in this show, and I realized that when I was thinking about that before it was all about Sean but I was forgetting about Black's girlfriend

porridge And that would be: in Not Me universe, do all twins have psychic connections? Or just some? Or just White & Black?

towel That's a good question. At the very least it doesn't seem like something non-twins are aware of. I guess if it was universal, maybe they would.

porridge Also, I'm guessing they don't have the connection *because of* the earlier near-drowning. Because their parents say something after that along the lines of “We can't let this keep happening.” IIRC

towel I'd have to circle back but I think there was supposed to be some precedent for it before the near-drowning incident. Right!

porridge Is it because they're extra close? Because their parents suck? It just seems like it could be an interesting area to explore. Like, for the show to have explored.

towel That's a good question. My guess is that the show would say that's just their magical connection, but who knows?

One thing that I think appeals to singletons about the psychic twins trope

porridge I think the incredibly vague implication is "because special."

towel If on some level they're thinking of twins as two halves of one person, then it makes intuitive sense that they would be able to communicate their thoughts and feelings. It's sort of like two people with one brain. Like, the fantasy of two people who are separate but also not works better if they communicate their feelings/thoughts.

porridge Yeah, I think twins seem interesting to singletons because they're paradoxical to them—two people who are kind of one person and kind of not.

towel But also it's a fantasy, though not always a pleasant one. A fantasy of oneness but also a fantasy of the horror of...I guess you could say losing one's individuality.

porridge Yeah, it can feel like singletons think twins are exotic but also kind of gross.

towel Oh, definitely. It's funny because it's related to a real struggle that twins have but singletons don't get it at all.

porridge Occasionally it feels like they feel superior. And it's like uh what? Because you're an individual? Guess what, me too.

towel Yeah, I think that's true.

porridge You're just as much a slave to your genetics as I am, bub.

towel Right!

porridge Like, singletons don't have anything I don't have except for a lack of, like, people acting confused at them.

towel I always think about that girl who told me how much she'd always wanted a twin in high school. “Someone just like me, who I'd have everything in common with. We'd never fight.”

porridge Hopefully that person eventually grew up and became less of a goober.

towel Ridiculous but I appreciate that she was so lacking in the filter department that she voiced what I think plenty of singletons think on some level/at some times.

porridge That's one thing about singletons' thoughts about twinship. I get that they haven't examined a lot of their assumptions and of course I can relate to that when it comes to other things in my own life. But you just want to go “Stop. Think about it for literally ten seconds.”

towel So often they clearly haven't. Like that person who asked when my birthday was and then asked when yours was. And was then like, “Wow, what a coincidence!” when I said they were the same. (They figured it out but it took, like, a minute or two)

porridge I think when some singletons put themselves in twins' shoes, they don't put *themselves* in our shoes. They put some imaginary magical twin version of themselves in our shoes.

towel Definitely.

Well, it tends to be really polarized. Either being a twin is this lovely sense of communion with another human being or it's a terrifying thing where someone is going to steal your life

And then there are the times they don't put themselves in our shoes and just find us scary.

porridge I often prefer media depictions of the latter simply because I want so badly to correct for the former. Oh for sure. This is part of why I like that movie Adaptation so much.

towel Though that brings up something that happens in Not Me as well, one singleton actor playing twin characters.

That's something at least. There's a part of me that wants to say, “No more singletons playing twins. Get some danged twins. Or make them fraternal.”

porridge To go back to your question a little. I think the elevator pitch and general concept is a singleton fantasy, but at least some elements of the actual events are more like reality. It felt like somebody actually bothered to think through what that would be like.

towel Yeah, same here.

porridge Like, as I said when I wrote about it, the part where White is like Black won't come back, he's let me have my place in this group and we both know we can't both be part of it.

towel Yeah, there's that quote, “Nobody wants to live in another person's shadow” or something to that effect. I find it both sort of insightful and ridiculous at the same time. Like “everybody knows two twins can't both be in the same activist cell.” Uh, no.

But yeah, sometimes it seems like you can't be in the same space or group in certain ways

porridge Yeah that's not true. It's just that White now has closer relationships with each of those people.

towel And it may be true, though it's almost never entirely clear.

porridge It's not impossible for twins to be part of the same close group, but it's not always easy either. And that's partly because of the people around them.

towel And it depends so much on circumstances. Yes! And the other people involved.

[conversation ensues about people from school trying to get Porridge to make Towel talk less in class]

towel I was thinking about how polarized White and Black are. To me that's a bit of a red flag, when twins are even sort of opposites. And it's not true that White is perfect or that Black is evil but White is mostly right about things, mostly nice, occasionally cranky but that's about it, and Black is very hostile, clearly not in a great mental health place, etc.

They're closer to being all good and all bad than I'd like

porridge Yeah, I may have let that go partly because it wasn't quite as bad as I might have feared. But it's not ideal either.

towel It definitely could be worse. But it reminded me of the "which one are you" thing, which you certainly remember but I'm going to lay it out here for posterity.

"Are you the smart one or the [ableist word for unintelligent] one?" "Are you the nice one or the mean one?" and so forth. I used to blame the Sweet Valley High books and they certainly didn't help, but the twins-as-opposites thing is everywhere.

porridge Being at summer camp and me being "the brave one." I'm not sure what that made you exactly? If the description were correct it would have been "the homesick one," but there wasn't enough subtlety for that. Really it was the one who cries and the one who doesn't cry even when kicked by a horse. But that second part was just because in the fight/flight/freeze department, I'm a freezer.

towel Same, usually. I've tried to figure out why that is so appealing to singletons. My best guess is that maybe they like the idea of splitting a person into good and bad and then running the bad half out of town, so to speak.

It's a bit like that Buffy episode, actually. The Replacement. [There's a monster/wizard dude who wants to turn Buffy into a strong half and a weak half so he can kill the weak half and get rid of her entirely, but he hits Xander with his magic beam thingy instead.] It's worth noting that that's one of the only examples I can think of where instead of having one actor play twins they had Nicholas Brendon's twin brother play his double. I mean, it's one of the only examples I can think of where they had twins play a person and their double.

porridge There's arguably a whole separate treatise to write about the doppelganger concept and why it's compelling.

towel Yep

porridge For whatever reason I don't feel able to touch on it briefly, I can only go full tangent or kind of wave in its general direction.

towel I'm OK with either. I mean, a big part of the doppelganger thing is the fear that if someone resembles you they'll be able to take your entire life away from you.

porridge It's one of those things that has some perceptions-of-twins mixed up in it, but seems more about identity from the POV of singletons than anything else.

Yep. And that's the entire crux of that Buffy episode.

towel I do think their assumptions inform the doppelganger thing and twin stuff in a similar way.

porridge Yeah, it's from the point of view of singletons, thrilling themselves with fear that a nefarious twin could appear.

towel There's also the whole question of, like, if people met your double and did know it wasn't you, what would they be perceiving? How would that work? Do people have some kind of essence to them that we can distinguish?

I mean, obviously in reality the difference would be that person's behavior. And that comes up in Not Me.

porridge Seems like a lost opportunity that AFAIK nobody's ever made a body-snatcher film where a twin is a plot point.

But like I said when I wrote about the show,* as twins we know that people would just think the person they know is being weird for a very long time before they would go to a twin as an explanation. At least if those twins look as much alike as White & Black do.

*Check out the older post Porridge is talking about here.

towel Yeah, that's true. I think if Sean had figured it out sooner that would have really bothered me, for that exact reason.

porridge I mean, I say this as somebody who took ages to realize a friend was psychotic because I was convinced he was just really mad at me for a few months.

towel That's just human nature, though. We keep using the heuristics that worked for us for a long time. And most of the time that's the right thing to do.

porridge All I needed was for somebody to say "So [friend], do you think maybe..." without finishing the question before I was like yes. Shit!

towel When Sean asked if Black had a twin brother, a part of me felt kind of impressed that he figured it out. I can't decide if it's actually realistic or not. Like, would it ever occur to me, if someone started acting really different, that they might have a secret twin?

porridge Even then it was partly because of something somebody else said.*

*Porridge thought she remembered something to this effect, but so far neither of us has been able to track down the quote she remembered, or thought she remembered. But neither of us has fully rewatched Not Me since this discussion, so maybe it's there and we just didn't find it.

towel Still, it's either that Sean was really astute there, to a potentially unrealistic degree, or he had a theory that would have been incredibly dopey except that it happened to be true. I guess it's kind of both? He was astute and the theory would be dopey most of the time.*

*Since this conversation, I (Towel) have had some more thoughts about this that I'll put in another post soon.

porridge I guess that's one area where the implausibility sort of cycles back to making the plot make sense.

towel Heh, right.

porridge It makes more sense that he figured it out because they are so different. That's kind of a fantasy too. Like, "the person who loves me would definitely know if I wasn't me."

That reminds me of something I could ask you.

Wondering if you had a similar reaction to something. When Sean finds White (out of his Black drag), I had an unexpected rush of emotion. I was glad they were going to talk (presumably) with the twin stuff out in the open but it wasn't just that. I almost didn't care about Sean, but the fact that he was seeing White-as-White made it more real that yeah, this is actually White. White is getting to be himself now. It was like gender euphoria I guess only it was individuality euphoria.

towel That's interesting. I think I might try to peek at that scene real quick if that's OK.

porridge I think it was also because prior to that we'd only seen Black for a while.

towel I think I'm almost at the right spot but in the meantime, the recap for the part I pulled up included the whole denying he's a twin thing ("Twin, my ass!") immediately followed by "Stop messing with my little brother!"

Omg, Black's bitchy face when he throws the handcuff key away.

I don't identify with Black a whole lot and he's honestly a bit incoherent as a character, like somebody's pushing faders up and down with his various traits depending on what they need to have happen plotwise. But even though I don't want him to keep White away from Sean & the others I still kinda feel for him there.

That's pretty true. Well, I think they're kind of deciding if he needs to be the opposite right now or if he needs to be someone who cares for White and/or their cause.

porridge Bit of a damn right moment.

towel Yeah, there are a few relatable things there.

Being protective of your twin is real, of course. And he doesn't like Sean and probably has seen a really bad side of him because of how contentious their relationship is. There's also an element of feeling jealous and/or threatened by your twin's romantic relationships, which I found was more of a thing when we were younger. It's something that's pretty embarrassing so it's hard to talk about and I think often gets swept under the rug, but it's real and it's understandable. I wonder if there's a homophobia and/or gender role thing going on there. Like, does Black perceive White as being in a more vulnerable or feminine position in his relationship with Sean and if so does that seem more like Sean is taking advantage of him somehow?

porridge Could be. We know from earlier events that Black is very protective of White.

I don't feel strongly that I know the motivation there.

But I could make one argument for a possible interpretation. It could be that Black wants to protect White from Sean because he doesn't like Sean, but mostly he wants to protect White from their radical activities, keep him away from lawbreaking and risks.

towel It's kind of perfect that when Sean finds White-not-dressed-up-as-Black he not only has his glasses on (which seem to symbolize White being White for a lot of the remainder of the show) but a white t-shirt, something that gets dirty easily and wouldn't hold up well in Black's style of life.

porridge And he could resent Sean that much more as a result for keeping White tied to them in another way.

towel That's true.

porridge That interpretation is sort of optimistic in the sense of giving the writers a lot of credit. But I think it's plausible.

Even if Black isn't consciously homophobic, there's a subtler kind of gender thing / homophobia-lite factor that could be in play. Where that person suddenly seems more vulnerable than if they were with a girl.

towel Yeah, I think so. And I think they may seem more vulnerable than if they were perceived as being "the man" in that relationship

porridge And he's smaller, etc. He's new to the group and to their risk-taking, etc. Bunch of things connect. But of course the gender piece isn't rational or correct. It's just the sort of residue of homophobia that gets in people's brains.

towel I'm trying to remember that meme or whatever it is. About the horror of being known versus...well, the appeal of things that require that you are known

That meme is what came to mind watching this scene where Sean meets White as himself.

porridge One more thing about that scene. I also liked how relieved Sean seems when he learns White's name. That seemed meaningful. No idea how much of that is me looking through my twin lens.

towel I guess it's "the mortifying ordeal of being known." I think White is very much having the mortifying ordeal in that scene. I just went back to the scene and that's where I was, at the point where Sean asks White his name.

It's a remarkable thing to have fallen in love with a person and not to know their real name but you can imagine how much you would want to know.

[discussion of doctoral program practica and names]

porridge Yeah. Watching back a little and a big part of Sean's epiphany is that Black doesn't catch him in a trust fall. Just looks at him like he's an idiot. A big part at that moment; it's clearly a test so he already suspects.

towel Good point. It's remarkable that after Black has already behaved this way he still does that trust fall without holding back.

I thought it was interesting when they had White think, in voiceover, that he was surprised that he could feel so close to Sean, that he thought he could only feel that close to his twin. I go back and forth on what I think about that. I'm not super fond of the comparison because it's such a different type of connection. But I guess I can relate to it in some ways. Especially when you're young, it can be surprising when anyone can be close to you in a way that's even sort of comparable to your twin. Okey doke. How about a silly question to mull over?

porridge Yeah sure

towel If we were in a world that operated under Not Me universe rules

Who would I have to sleep with to make you wake up from a coma? I tried to think of a real [porridge] nemesis and the only person who came to mind was someone who used to work in your office whose name starts with a [letter].

porridge HA

towel I wouldn't go near her with a ten-foot pole except maybe if it would bring you back to life. Works for me!

[Porridge’s answer is somebody she was very close to at one time who she then had a sort of friend breakup with. then we talk about emotionally unavailable people and those who are attracted to them.]

Lemme see here. I was trying to remember what happened with White and Eugene. I spaced out a little at that part and I wonder if it's because I was getting pretty uncomfortable with the idea of White pretending to be Black with Eugene. I think they kissed? And I was like, please get out of this situation. But I think I spaced out on the show in an avoidant way at that point because I can't remember if anything else happened between them or if he got away and if so, how.

porridge He actually drugs her which is not great...

towel Gracious

porridge He's in a position where he's trying to avoid a lot of things while trying to get some information from her about what happened to Black, and he doesn't do anything to her while she's knocked out. But it's not an okay thing to do by any means.

towel I was going to look up the Eugene scene and I went to the window where I had been watching the episode 12 part where Sean sees White as White, and there was an interesting line. Sean said he had had a feeling because Black seemed so different, and White said, "Your feeling was pretty slow!" Kind of resentful that it took him as long as it did, even though at the time he wouldn't have wanted him to figure it out.

porridge If you read between the lines / fill in some blanks yourself you could say that while we saw White being generally relieved the others didn't work out that he's not Black, he wasn't always completely happy about it and about pretending. The more involved he becomes, and certainly the more he cares about Sean and is invested in something between them.

His feelings aren't made apparent after that initial relief.

towel Do you think White kind of gets a bit softer after Black comes back? Like, that he seems to become more of a contrast to Black? Maybe it just seems a bit like that to me because of the contrast. Black coming back also just leads to some emotional scenes, so we see more of Sean doing things like crying as well.

I'm going to mention something for later because I'm scared of forgetting: there were a few times when Black and White broke some "twin rules" I have for myself and I was like, "you can't do that!" but the biggest one was White getting Black's tattoos. They show his arm getting tattooed during the opening credits and every time I'd see it I would cringe so hard. You can't get the same tattoo as your twin unless you get intentional bro tats!

Of course then I found myself thinking about how much harder it would be for me to simulate your tattoos. Not just because there are more of them but because they're much more complex. And I think one might be in the same spot as one of mine?

porridge That to me is so kinda preposterous to begin with that I didn't get to the point where I was like "that's not allowed." A new tattoo doesn't look like an older tattoo so unless Black got his a month ago it's ridiculous.

But I agree, that's against the rules.

towel Oh gosh, I couldn't stop thinking about how his tattoo and the piercings weren't going to look right because they were still healing

In a way, the next day the tattoo might look more correct than it would a week later when you get that layer of skin falling off

porridge To return to your earlier point, it's confusing because if White seems a bit gentler and softer, is that the comparison? Is it an intentional choice among the filmmakers and Gun to contrast them? Did White maybe relax in his efforts to seem like Black once he felt accepted?

Also, maybe White is occasionally grumpy and seems more Black-ish and that has factored in at some points.

It would help if Black were a more nuanced character, though he is SOMETIMES nuanced.

towel I feel like those are all possible. Some of it is just the comparison and the events of the story at the time, but I also think that the writers/director were probably playing up the differences at least to some extent. And as you point out, Gun probably was too.

I feel like Black has the most depth when it comes to Eugene, but it's fleeting and not that nuanced.

porridge Having had an ear piercing since I first saw the show, I feel more like the piercings are plausible because he doesn't change posts. In the case of those, the main thing that would be visible would be some swelling for the first week or two and the gang likely wouldn't notice that.

I'm not sure whether Black has more depth with Eugene or if she's tied with White and Todd for interactions with actual feelings.

Black's Todd-related emotions include a lot of anger and rage, but in a way IMO where you can tell Black has actually let Todd into his world and has confided in him in a way he may not have done with the gang or others in his life. Maybe because they go back so far.

towel That's true. You can see why people ship Black and Todd, write fic about them, etc. I mean, I don't think there's actually something going on there in the show but he feels more strongly about Todd than almost anyone. He shows more emotion interacting with Todd than he does interacting with White.

porridge It feels like he's guarded with White partly out of protectiveness, though it's also clear that he's not eager to open up to White hugely. He cares about White but he really just wants White to do what he says, and hearing more about White's feelings and thoughts won't help with that.

towel Anytime one twin feels responsible for their twin's safety, it's bound to have some big downsides when it comes to their abilities to be emotionally authentic with each other. That's what I associate with it, anyway

porridge And they've been apart, but Black has maintained his childhood scheme for their relationship.

towel Because the person protecting is overloaded (they aren't supposed to have to take on this responsibility) so they're bound to be reactive to the protectee being distressed.

porridge As a protective twin and kinda parentified caregiver toward my twin (at some times in some ways), I didn't want to boss you around but when I felt you were in danger it was incredibly difficult not to feel like I could do anything about it.

towel I know that must be a feeling that comes up a lot--like, the horrible powerless feeling when someone you love is in an abusive relationship.* But I'm sure there are unique aspects of it and a lot of intensity when it's your twin..

I was looking for some other parts of the show to comment on and I found when White sees Black for the first time and I thought it was interesting that he says that unlike all the times he imagined this moment, it's "surprisingly frightening" (I think that was the wording. I find it remarkable that he says it's "like seeing my doppelganger." Because Black isn't the doppelganger. White is! "I stole my brother's entire life and he wanted it back. Such a doppelganger.")

*I (Towel) was in an abusive relationship for most of my 20s. Naturally, this was really hard for Porridge.

porridge You're right, but that experience (as I imagine it, having not gone more than like 9 months without seeing my own twin) would be uncanny to anybody in a way where you would lose all perspective about like recent events.

towel That's true. I guess I feel like the narrative kind of lets White off for his actions a little too much. I mean, his replacing-Black actions. There's very little time spent on the fact that Black doesn't like that he did that and it's not like he had his consent. His motivation to protect his brother matters but it doesn't negate everything completely. And of course Todd is nudging him along the whole way because it's in his interest for the anti-Tawi stuff to continue.

porridge I get what you're saying but I don't think that’s in service of making White out to be so perfect, I think it's more about keeping the narrative clean. There's a hypothetical version of the show that uses that to interesting ends.

towel I guess it just seems kind of lazy to me, or convenient

porridge And Black does tell White that the others won't want him around once they discover he's been lying to them. And White thinks (voiceovers) the same about Sean specifically.

towel I'm probably more interested in those implications because I'm actually a twin.

It's kind of wild how readily they're okay with it, the group, I mean. Maybe people are more likely to forgive that sort of thing if your twin is a huge butthole.

porridge If I wanted to explain that I would say that on some level they already knew.

towel I was wondering what you thought about the whole separating twins as children thing. I'll explain just a bit.

You pointed out that it doesn't really make sense for White's and Black's parents to think that separating them is going to change their psychic connection and I agree. There's no justification for that. But it reminded me of other ideas about how somehow twins being "too" close is going to be bad for them. I forget if I sent you a link to that recent article* but I remember I definitely shared a passage from it. This woman is kind of musing about her relationship with her twin and some of it is kind of self-indulgent but there are some good bits, and my favorite is where she talks about separation.

She talks about this case where an adoption agency separated a bunch of twins and adopted them out to families, never telling the families or the kids that they had twins. And there was a researcher kind of in cahoots with them who interviewed the families and the kids over the years to observe them, looking at the twinship angle but pretending it was for other purposes. It's all incredibly unethical.

But the justification was that being dependent on one another is unhealthy so twins are better off apart.

I wonder if that's part of what singletons find scary about twins. Maybe it would be better to say it’s a thing that scares them when they see it (or think they see it) in twins. And that's dependency, or more accurately, interdependence. Of course, that's kind of a culture-bound reaction. But in an individualistic culture like we have in the U.S., being sort of born into an interdependent relationship could seem horrifying.

*The article I'm referencing here is Giving Away My Twin by Jean Garnett, which came out on 7/10/23 in the New Yorker

porridge That's horrible. Would be even if they were non-twin siblings.

towel Yeah. Some of the saddest examples were from a book by Anna Freud's partner* talking about kids she observed when they ran a place for kids who were sent out of London during the Blitz.

*Anna Freud's partner's name was Dorothy Burlingham and her book was called Twins: A Study of Three Pairs of Identical Twins with 30 Charts

porridge The thing is, and I'm not saying there isn't any closeness kind of inherent to twinship. But yeah, any siblings can be closely dependent but when you add that to the appearance of twins people get wigged out.

Though I do know of kids being punished for being too close to their siblings, referred to negatively because of it, etc. Non-twin siblings.

towel I do think that being the same age increases the chances of being close or relying on one another.

porridge Yeah I don't discount that.

towel But yeah, it could happen at other ages and is totally penalized in some families.

porridge But I'm saying do the people outside that relationship perceive the additional closeness or do they just perceive closeness plus twin appearance

towel I do think that they overestimate it a lot based on twins looking similar.

But it gets kind of chicken-and-egg there, because part of what makes you closer is everyone treating you like you're a) weird, b) a unit with this other person, c) unbelievably similar to them, etc. Like, you know that closeness is expected, and you can get excluded by others because of their perceptions of your twinship.

Well, I was going to say that separating twins for no reason like that adoption agency is something I think most people would find disturbing. And separating twins the way White and Black were separated would probably seem like a bad idea to a lot of folks. But there are smaller examples of this that are really normalized. Like, I remember feeling really surprised, almost startled, when I found out that there's no empirical basis for [the idea that it’s] better for twins to be in different classes at school.

And I really think that became a convention because of that thing where twins being close--or just the prospect that they might be--freaks singletons out.

Maybe even more so when you're talking about adults who are considering a set of twin children. I know in our family of origin it was sometimes implied or even directly stated that our relationship somehow undermined the parents' authority.

And that's sad, because what you're talking about is children’s ability to provide each other comfort. Like, these are adults who basically resent that you have an ally who will make it harder to break your spirit.

porridge And you shouldn't be dependent on your children being ineffectual to parent.

towel Well, I think it's interesting how their separation is dealt with in the show. I'm tempted to go back and look at that part again, actually.

It's both treated as more and less of a big deal than I expected.

Like, it's not treated like it's nothing, which I think they could easily have done. But if they were going to acknowledge that it was painful, I wish they'd acknowledge it more.

At this point we got sidetracked and trailed off. Of course, this post is long enough as it is! That said, I do have some additional thoughts about Sean figuring out the twin thing, as I noted above. I'll be posting about that soon. And I wouldn't be surprised if Porridge and I end up having other thoughts about all of this down the road.

[jasper-the-menace]

The Displaced Chimans

Our favorite fearless (or sometimes fearful) heroes have found themselves on the plane of Arcavios, transformed and disconnected from their home and peoples. They've decided to play along for now, remaining at Strixhaven University to understand their new (or not-so-new) magic and bide their time while they search for a way home. The amount of willingness to conform to the first-year dress code varies between each of them, with some being more agreeable about the white-and-grey than others.

Cragger Ponteid

Transformed from a Crocodile into a Croc-like lizardfolk, Cragger's found himself wielding water elemental magic upon his mysterious arrival to Strixhaven. He's decided to study to get into the College of Witherbloom and keep an eye on things alongside Emily Zephyras. His water magic manifests as swamp water due to his homesickness.

Eris Notus

This isn't Eris's first extraplanar rodeo - unknown to the other Chimans, Eris is a planeswalker, bearer of a spark that allows her to travel to other planes in the Multiverse. This is her first time waking up on a different plane as an elf instead of an Eagle, though, so she's just as confused as the others. She's already got a strong connection to her wind magic (to the point where she can summon wings with her magic), but she's currently working on understanding her new fire powers as well thanks to her mysterious connection to the Phoenixes. She's working to get into the Quandrix College, trying to find a solution to their transformation through the mathematical magic practed there.

Laval Vestalia

Of all of the Chimans, Laval changed the least - from Lion to leonin. His magic manifests as the element of fire due to his desire to make sure the others are comfortable even as they search for a way home. He's aiming to join the Lorehold College to use that as his own stepping stone to a solution that will get them home.

Razar Pheletes

Razar is actually having a great time, despite being transformed from a Raven into an elf. Strixhaven University is home to its own underground methods of acquiring goods, and he's found himself with powerful spoken magic that helps with persuasion and talking people in circles. In order to better this new skill, Razar is aiming to join the Silverquill College - mostly to see if he can gain secrets other students or faculty therein may have that will help them get home.

Scorm Imperator

Scorm is, to literally no one's surprise, incredibly pissed off about these circumstances. First he wakes up on Arcavios transformed from a Scorpion into a human (and struggling with balance due to losing his tail), then he discovers that half of the heroes of Chima he fought are also there, then he finds himself worrying himself sick over his Scorpions and the other Crawlers, and finally, on top of all that, he finds out the hard way how menstrual cycles work. There are only three things he considers to be "going in his favor": his new friend and ally in Emily Zephyras (and her sibling Onyx to a lesser extent), his newfound talent at archery, and his new elemental magic that manifests in the form of earth and stone. It's just enough to make him willing to work alongside Chima's heroes to get home. He's playing along and studying for Silverquill, though he's thiiiis fucking close to snapping.

[catflowerqueen]

Solar was, as always, extremely cool and competent today. But I’m still sorry he had to do what he did. Especially since he gave his Moon so many chances to just turn back.

On the other hand… it kind of seems like that Moon would have considered it a weird form of mercy, since he truly believed he had nothing left to live for in his home dimension, and he probably would have continued to be a deathseeker if he had succeeded in his goals with Solar. Not that he would have been one for very long, though, since I am pretty sure that Spaniard would have immediately alerted our Moon and he would have avenged Solar in short order.

I think the whole thing also shows more clues to the divergence point in universes as well. I mean. I still feel like the main divergence is Solar’s Monty leaning way more into his British heritage—which may or may not be faked, unlike our Monty who was actually apparently born in Britain but will deny it if asked—but beyond that it probably also has to do with what went down during Sun and Moon’s own separation and how they reacted in the aftermath.

According to Solar, it seems as though his original Moon did not try to intentionally leave his kill code in Sun when they separated—either that, or even if he had wanted to leave it behind like our Moon did, he only succeeded in leaving the barest amount needed to evolve into an Eclipse/Solar. And since this means the kill code still would have been a lot more active in that Moon—especially since there was no Lunar to act as a suppressor—if KC did evolve into his own person there, the separation attempt that Solar mentioned to Lunar would have gone a lot worse than what happened to Old Moon—mishap with magic aside—because KC likely would not have wanted to leave. There was no clean break—so when Solar’s New Moon rebooted, there still would have been those code fragments swirling around that both had the chance to regrow into another kill code—as happened in our universe—and drive that Moon to become more cruel and more likely to go off the deep end.

Because, remember, technically speaking the Moon we saw today is also a “Dead Moon,” as per Evil!Sun’s words, because Solar told Lunar way back when that the Moon they were hearing yelling in the background wasn’t actually his original Moon. That’s why he warned Lunar about not trying to separate our Moon and KC.

As to what ended up happening with his Sun, and why separating didn’t work… I think that has to come down to what the Creator said to Sun, back in… I think it was the episode where he came to the daycare to inform Sun about Earth’s existence? And Sun asked about why he couldn’t/wouldn’t help with the KC situation? He mentioned that Sun and Moon were never supposed to separate to begin with, and he was very surprised Moon actually survived the process himself. Golden Freddy warned back when Eclipse was first making himself known that they couldn’t just separate the two because Eclipse was holding on too tightly and it would result in the ripping out of chunks of Sun’s code/mind if one party was unwilling… but it seems like there might still be a risk of that even if the parties are willing. Which might mean that Moon intentionally leaving/trying to leave parts of his code behind is what saved him.

…Which in turn might be part of what went wrong to turn Moon into New Moon, since that was a very clean separation between Old Moon and KC, come to think of it.

...Anyways—Sun used a magic spell to get rid of Eclipse, which removed a lot of the inherent dangers of the process. And Moon would have used a magic spell to get rid of KC if his circle hadn’t been broken, which wasn’t an option at all in Solar’s old universe, since the only reason Sun and Moon knew about magic is due to the Eclipse problem, which wasn’t an issue in Solar’s old universe because everyone was initially very on board with the idea of separation.

The situation is just sad, in general… but it also highlighted some things Solar inherited from his Sun, since his actions up to landing the killing blow reminded me a lot of Sun’s speech to Eclipse before blasting him out of his mind with magic, and also the way he killed Bloodmoon that first time and some of the things he said to his hallucinations of them.

It was also very heartwarming to hear Solar claim our daycare group as his family, and to see exactly what lengths he will go to protect their peace of mind and physical safety. And then also Spaniard immediately telling him he was always welcome in this dimension, which is so true.

I do hope he talks to someone about what he had to do, though. No one here would blame him, and everyone would understand why he did it… but sharing the burden always helps.

(I do still wonder if he ever had the expectation that Moon actually would come back and try to help him with his own Sun and Moon, though, when that was the price he set for his help with the space laser. I mean. I guess Moon could have been trying to do that as well during that month, or it is possible that the situation with Solar’s Moon just went south to quickly that his own physical safety became more important… but I’m still a bit disappointed that plot point was dropped so quickly. But Solar did seem to imply today that he knew deep down what happened with Sun was inevitable, so I guess that might have just been his way of giving himself some false hope while working on a more concrete and achievable goal in the meantime. And possibly trying to make himself a safety net of a debt owed in case he needed help? Which is cynical, yes, and I don’t think he’d try holding that over anyone’s head now, but it makes sense why he would be wary around any Moons initially given what his own was like. It’s the same reason our daycare group was wary of him at the start, after all, considering their own Eclipse.

But given the family comment, those feelings and fears have definitely evaporated by now. Which is, again, very heartwarming.)

It was also cool to see him talk tech with Moon at the beginning of the episode. And it was nice that Moon came down to essentially wish him good night. And funny that he conveniently “forgot” to mention that he himself actually liked playing with the donut, assuming it is the same one from the theater that he was messing around with that one time he, Earth, and Sun were trying to have a movie night and couldn’t agree on what to watch.

[pies-database]

TH13TEEN [She/her]

Name(s): 13, Dorothy, SW6

PHALANX code: ALTN-006-010

Nickname(s): Thea

Likes: Agriculture, Folklore, parapsychology, Floral tastes and smells, leatherbound books, corvids, folk music, the sounds of a forest, regional culture regarding the deceased, indie music.

Dislikes: Makeup, Attention, technology, spices, authority, brutalism, techno music, complete isolation, loud noises, when people forget stuff, repeating herself.

Personality: It may be easy to think she's a very nature loving girly pop princess. Alas. No, she is not a vegan, she loves animals but understand the whole "circle of life" schtik. She has spent most of her life in the woods, and it comes across. She lived long enough in civilisation to now have faint ideas of what she likes, and she will likely remain that way for what she thinks will be the rest of her life.

However, she is still rather young at mind. If you treat her with respect and kindness and don't push yourself onto her territory, she will get attached and your punishment will turn from "becoming a tree" to being slowly infected by different plants.

She is easily spooked, and unfortunately for literally everyone, her first instinct is indeed to attack. Or, well, curse.

Abilities: She is this universe's version of a true witch, essentially harnessing a connection they have to a separate plane of existence to make bargains. As witches get more powerful, the bargains get less costly as they learn how to properly barter. They can hex, summon and commend. The term 'witch' is gender neutral, and applies to anyone with this ability.

She also has the passive ability to grow plants and forest wherever she walks. This makes it really inconvenient for a trip to the corner shop.

Abnormal physical features: Most notably several long, sprawling cracks in her skin that are common from witches. The more cracks they have, the more the cracks splinter. They can be transferred to a secondary object [usually made of wood but can be pretty much anything] but 13 doesn't.

Said cracks will open to show a flowing green substance that is slightly luminescent whenever they attempt to use their magic. There are a few cracks below her right eye which spell out "13".

Otherwise just looks like a normal teen, apart from skin colour [a black] which will always represent the track colour irl [unless there's extenuating circumstance.]

Backstory: In late 2009, a 12 year old girl turned to her mummy and pops with concern after cracks started appearing in her skin. a few days later, her pops leads a team of heavily clad men into their living room, and her mummy grabs her hand and drags her out through the back garden, away from the scary men. Into the forest.

She wasn't stupid, she had listened in the assemblies. The forest was scary. It was dangerous; people went in and didn't come out again. But her mummy was dragging her there, and she did drag her feet so there really wasn't much she could do. And they kept on going deeper, and deeper, and she could swear she could see someone moving there, she really did - maybe it was one of the people who didn't come back out?

And when mummy stopped after what must've been at least 6000 hours, her feet hurt and mummy was sobbing. She wanted to go home, she didn't know where home was, and mummy wouldn't stop crying.

At some point she realised she had been glowing, and her stomach was rumbling more than it had ever been, and her skin was becoming a pure midnight black and she was alone. She screamed.

A few minute-hours later, and a kind woman emerged from the trees, concern written all over her face. Thea couldn't move. She felt it as her body rocked side to side as she was carried to a small clearing, and then went into somewhere that smelled of old and dust.

A few minute-hours later than that, and she was having grapes and a bottle thrust at her mouth, and she took it hungrily.

She didn't know it at the time, but she remained in that cycle of impossibly hungry to indulging for months, until 10th of March 2010 where her body finally stopped, broken in some impossible-to-fix way.

Eventually, she came to, and after weeping in the 5-months-stranger's arms, finally got acquainted with her situation. She would not be left like that, she simply would not. anyone close would stay.

This was the way of her world for 6 years, until the commotion with The Ministry Of Joy, where she was one again exposed to the horrible heavily-clad people. But this time she had footing, and in the honour of the people lost, she took her chance to strike.

Current residency: The Dark Forest: The State Home's crypt.

ASKS: OPEN

[unceasingtoe]

Hi everyone!

I'm Matt from the UK. I'm a professional nanomaterials physicist, and I wrote a Fantasy book.

Now what?!

I've been working on this story, Aria of the Wayward, for something like four years. I started just pre-Covid with a little character vignette about a student having a meeting with a magical professor/wizard-type-person, and it kind of spiralled from there. One hundred and twenty thousand words later, and what was originally Echoes of Astyr is now two books: Aria of the Wayward, and Echoes of Astyr. (I also have ideas for the next book, Chorus of the Forgotten, on the backburner)

Now that I've done "the hard part" (actually writing a book, or two!) I'm at a bit of a loss. I follow agents and other authors on Twitter, I regularly see threads and blogs on getting an agent, and querying, and the publishing industry landscape, and it all makes me feel one thing: these stories are unpublishable.

Not because they're bad (not that I could judge that), but because they're too different—at the intersections of too many circles in the grand Venn diagram of stories. Publishing these days lives and dies on genre labels and tropes and comp titles, and I have too many of some and not enough of the others to see how I could query effectively.

Both stories are second-world Fantasy, with magic a central element, but there isn't heroes and skeleton warriors and a race to save the world (although there are a few wizards). While there is a lurking intrigue that emerges in Echoes of Astyr that drives a more conventional-feeling plot, on the whole both stories are character- and theme-driven.

The main setting, particularly for Aria, is an Oxbridge-coded medieval university and we're following the lives and academic journeys of students; so it's Dark Academia, right?! Well, sometimes, but actually there is plenty of brightness and hope and love and joy, to contrast the darker parts... so it probably isn't Light Academia either!

The stories thus far have two female main characters, and while much prominence is given to their various interpersonal relationships, it's *not* got the right elements to make it capital-R genre Romance. (Maybe I could gut it and build a safe Romantasy story out of the giblets though, as I gather that's hot in publishing right now! 😜)

The prosaic style is perhaps a bit old-fashioned because I read books from the 1800s instead of things published in the last three years, and the general tone leans a bit Literary: it's filled with references to philosophy, and poetry, in between the flowery landscape descriptions and kissing sessions among the library stacks... ahem. The writing probably splits the age category down the middle too: it's got an Adult reading level but maybe more of a New Adult setup.

I don't know what to do with this.

I've been serialising the story as it is so far on WattPad in the hopes of accruing some feedback and encouragement. If anyone likes the sound of the ramble above, I would love you forever if you'd give it a read, drop a comment or a star over there (link below).

If you made it this far, you're a star 🌟