#the lost brain rot is so real rn

[auspicioustidings]

Brain rotting in concepts rn cause i wanted to continue “Committed to the bit-“ and in the process i thought of such a fun concept that i just had to share-

Briefly in the “mandatory Dungeon’s and Dragons” oneshot (which btw- such a good fic one of my fav’s after going through like ur whole blog lol) You brought up TF 141 in paintball. And i’ve just had such a fun idea.

Consdier: Reader who is corralled into going to paintball with their shitty friends, who are only really going with the intent of ganaging up on reader. They go in an uneven number tho- (cause they were all gonna be on one team and have reader by themselves-) When the workers there are like- “Oh well- there is another group here.” Dunno why the 141 would be there, maybe another situation like the DnD one-shot where they’re being forced. And so, poor sweet reader who clearly was expecting this to be a liebe experience, gets to have the joy of 141 seeing them and deciding “yeah, you’re pretty and your friends are assholes- you need more ppl for a proper team? Cool, we’ll be on yours.”

Just image the pure shenanigans of it all, reader getting some well earned revenge and the whole debacle ends up them them losing their friends- but gaining (1)4(1) more <3

I kid you not I have had 'Airsoft AU - you keep beating military men at airsoft and they are going to lose it' sitting in my phone notes since September :') Just one of those concepts that I love to think about but cannot write.

I prefer having the reader be their bitter rival because wtf why is this civilian rocking out shit? This is so humiliating oh my God Kate WHY DID YOU TELL FARAH WE LOST TO A CIVVIE TEAM STOP IT WE ARE NEVER LIVING THIS DOWN :( Only way of redeeming themselves is obviously to ruin your winning streak in any way they can.

It would be really fun to then have your take on it follow that, when they already view you as their arch-nemesis they show up on a surprise visit thinking if they can take you off guard with a game they might have an advantage (that's just psychological warfare bby, totally legit, it is not CHEATING Farah shut up). And you are sad? And getting ganged up on by the people you have been carrying any time you are played against them? Like you are the one that is beating them really, the team has always just been benefitting from taking orders from you.

Absolutely not? Are they fuck going to let anyone beat you that isn't them. So even though you are so embarrassed at first when you see them because your most fun games have been against these guys and the banter is always so good and oh my God they're about to find out that you are tragically uncool, they immediately are joking around with you and offering to take you on their team.

"Aye, come tae our team and we'll show ye how the professionals dae it." "Wild thing to say when you've never beaten me but sure thing Suds." "My real name is John. Johnny if it's you. It's nice tae actually meet ye bonnie."

[craacked-splatters]

"I know"

"Do u want to see what I added today?"

"Sure buddy"

(insane rambling below!)

Scrapbooks! Scrapbooks! Hell yeah!!

Hello to the 5 ppl seeing this👋 Ima be real Im running on 7 hours of sleep after 5day grind brain mushy rn and I scribbled everything maniacally by memory at 3am after having one of those revelation moments so I have no idea what I'm missing lmao. This is actually the first time drawing them like this 2. Really proud of it

and B4 u ask anything hear me out.

So like tmnt2012 mutant apocalypse am I right?

Yeah it's flawed and pacings off and stuff BUT! The implications it left behind are haunting and it has been stuck in my brain for years. One of the things that stuck with me was the fact that Raph and Don had stuff like April's tessen, Mikey's stuffed bear head, The Creeps containment jar, and Casey's skull(horrifying btw) with them and that it's like :((

I fully believe it was Donnie who collected and carried them everywhere in their car. Not only for Raph(to help with this memory)but also for himself.

Why? Well maybe I'm reading 2 much into it and it's also partly a HC of mine but also bc canonically Donnie has a bit of a hoarding habit collecting trinkets and pictures and stuff. He likes to keep things around that hold a lot of significant value to him.

We see this in The Creeping Doom during the intro

AND I swear he's got a literal wall of family photos in his lab somewhere I can't for the life of me find it but I know he did! He even took some to the farmhouse with him when they escaped during the invasion.

They're memories yk? Reminders..

Ok im having difficulty expressing this shit rn words r failing so like give me ur brain 4 a sec.

Imagine ur donbot.

You're stuck in a cold metal limbo for the rest of ur last remaining family members life. Everything and everyone you knew and cared about is dead and gone. Over thousands of species and ecosystems that made ur world unique wiped out. No more animals no more wild things no more blue clear skys. Death can't come for you. Not in a way that matters anymore.

And no matter where u go you are haunted by shadows of what once was. There are so many echoes and ghosts and cultures and stories and lives that were buried & left to rot by the gaping maws of fear & the desperate need to survive. No one cares for the past and the only other person around you can't remember it. Time will claim its domain again and there will be nothing left except empty metal husks to show sentience even existed in the first place.

Like holy shit he was just a kid bro and he never got the chance to even reach full adulthood!!! I can't possibly imagine the grief and guilt he must've carried with him all those years. He lost EVERYTHING

His family. His home. His world.

Did Donnie even get the chance to mourn??? Do u think his new body allowed it? Do u think he even ALLOWED himself to mourn? He had a hurt amnesiac brother who still needed to eat, who could still starve and bleed and die if they weren't careful enough.

So between his habits and the ✨Angst✨ and human pollution, him hoarding random ass things Wall-E style and making these shitty little scrapbooks or keepsakes didn't seem so far fetched to me. I also highly doubt there was enough time or resources to build shrines or graves in the middle of apocalypse. But yk honoring/preserving the memories of the things and ppl we love is natural for us so like SORRY if its a bit cringe of me wanting him to have SOMETHING to comfort him during the really bad days.

Even if its more bitter than sweet

Bonus doodads cuz I was indecisive:

The 1st was purple tinted cuz of donbot vision get it hehehe

[daenystheedreamer]

"Grand northern conspiracy" what part of the last 5 books makes you think ANY of these people have the ability to collaborate with each other independently be so real rn. ned had been IMPRISONED and the manderlys and umbers were fighting over hunting lands they are NOT planning anything together they just all hate roose that much

exactly plus what have we learned about people. They Do Not Shut The Fuck Up EVER. r+l=j only stayed secret because it was JUST ned and howland and they never said anything ever ned lied to his wife for fifteen years. there is no way, in such a tense climate, every lord and lady in the north could a) keep their mouth shut b) coordinate despite conflicting loyalties c) not have any of their hundreds of men blab even accidentally. also ravens is not texting its not immediate and you can just shoot that raven dead. the grand northern conspiracy is several seperate minor quests that slightly overlap.

my thoughts on the gnc (based on the ASX video, i hate the forums) below the cut

WINTERFELL

the snowmen lords (barbrey, wyman, harwood stout, whoresbane umber) have their rickon conspiracy. this is the davos one, most obvious, confirmed etc. i believe what has been explained and hinted is straightforward.

ROBB'S WILL: MAEGE AND GALBART

maege and galbart are ambiguously with howland in the neck with robb's will that says jon is heir. there's evidence they made it and maege is "with lyra and [jorelle]" but probably not at bear island, because lyanna is the only one there. there have since no mentions of galbart's whereabouts

howland of course is the last living person with knowledge of r+l=j

robb's will was made under the belief that bran and rickon were dead and that sansa and arya were ???, leaving that document in limbo. also jon is dead

my belief is maege and galbart had their meeting with howland and are in some kind of hiding rn. i don't think howland told them about r+l=j because it's honestly sooo unrelated to the northern political situation. all it does is make things way more chaotic and puts jon in a really precarious position.

ROBB'S WILL: LADY STONEHEART

LSH has robb's crown and since cat was at the signing of the will it's possible she could crown jon. people link her to maege and galbart but lsh is clearly doing her own thing right now and does not gaf about her bastard stepson

the lannister/freys lost the brotherhood somewhere in the neck so its possible LSH is up there slaying it up with howland.

i think the LSH/howland collusion is a little iffy. LSH is not in her right mind because her brain is rotting in her cracked skull. i just dont see her scheming a huge political conspiracy rn.

personally im of the opinion LSH is on a course towards arya and/or sansa, not jon. or at least her nexus is at her daughters. she is on a revenge quest, not avenge quest. she wants to kill RW participants, not complete robb's will.

plus imo if LSH and the brotherhood are scheming anything, its a red wedding 2.0 massacre

RIVERRUN

tom of sevenstreams is spying on the lannister riverrun camp on behalf of the BWB and is clearly colluding with edmure.

edmure frees brynden

brynden is a robb loyalist and is now running around possibly knowing whatever edmure knows from tom

two riverrun tully guards choose to join the night's watch. where JON is!!!

also jeyne westerling is confirmed to feature in the TWOW prologue

this stuff is wayyy more circumstantial. the line of thought is that the BWB knows about robb's will -> tom knows -> tom tells edmure -> edmure tells brynden -> brynden becomes jon snow #1 fan or whatever. + those tully men are sent judge jon/inform him/whatever

again this is all under the assumption that this is LSH's plan, which i doubt. i think this part of the conspiracy is the least credible and i think a lot of these 'clues' or whatever are probably about a possible red wedding 2.0 (or attack on the lannister camp) as opposed to Everything Is About Jon. those tully men are sus though...

---

jesus okay i got bored here once i got to the part about stannis army politics. i only have enough space in my head to care about one conspiracy per contingent and i picked night lamp for stannis' army. i think there are conflicting loyalties and the fArya situation + bran rickon thing will complicate it further but jesus christ theyre on a military campaign. they do not have time to hook up with fuckn wyman manderly. everyone is freezing and starving okay.

flint and norrey have some shit going on. plus the fuckin liddle that met bran. god. what ever. basically its several minor conspiracies that happen to overlap and some are probably unrelated. but anyway everyone go watch and draw your own conclusions<3

i think the bolton-held winterfell is a powder keg waiting to explode is the Point or whatever. everyone runnning around with conflicting loyalties lying hating each other loving their family etc etc human heart in conflict with itself. way more fun and thematically appropriate. plus its so unneccessary... its like how people try and make littlefinger have bigger and crazier plans. his plans are already big and crazy you dont need to throat him so hard. now i think wyman does deserve a good throating but he's already an awesome schemer do we need to include lady stoneheart. let her murder more people on her own for her own reasons. god forbid women do anything

[dollarstoreartsupplies]

STICKING A MICROPHONE IN UR FACE RN:: DIRECTORS COMMENTARY ON THE LOML, FAMILY ROAD TRIP? SPECIFICALLY HOW THE DYNAMICS CAME TO BE AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU WISH TO SPEAK ABOUT

MY GIRLS!!! MY PERFECT GIRLS!!!! @normal-cactus1221 omg let me delve back into my neibolt gals mind palace---

(Family Road Trip Link!!)

GALS

Tbh they mostly Exist in the first place because I wanted to draw the neibolt kids as Gals and then my brain rotted into a million tiny maggots that still refuse to leave because they became the Peak of what I like to write when gender swapping (which is delving college thesis level deep into how a character would change when they were raised with the pre-existing bullshit of Being A Woman and Being A Dyke)

So, honestly?? It kind of started exclusively with Richie?? Which is insane because it’s truly so Eddies centric,,, but the whole scene in the Goodwill when Eddie realizes WHY neibolt!richie is Like That was the ENTIRE precursor to the fic 

((EX. “She was a doll, no free will, always forced to do as she’s told (too timid to disobey even when she was sentient). Her mouth was stitched shut, always seen and not heard because her trashmouth is permanently closed. She was just pretty and perfect from the neat little pink bow in her hair to the pair of shiny black buckle shoes real Richie had shoved in the back of her closet, shoe box still unopened from when she claimed she had ‘lost them’.

(But she was rotting, she was abandoned, she was everything people wanted her to be and they still left her alone to break and rot and fill with maggots, because no one cared. She was the problem).”))

like… N!Eddie is p straight forward in terms of Gross and Sick and Rude and Very Opposite Of Real Eddie While Being Similar Enough To Piss Each Other Off, which was very fun, but Neibolt!Richie makes me SO SAD!! And I HAD to explore that IMMEDIATLEY!! 

(Also, fun fact! I had a very specific and unnecessary map of their route and going through Connecticut instead of New York would take longer, so I specifically wrote in the whole part of Eddie not wanting to go into New York SO they could go to a Connecticut goodwill,,,, as I,,,, at the time,,,, worked at a Connecticut goodwill)

DYNAMICS

The dynamics of specifically Neibolt!Reddie was very fun for the sole reason of There Is Nothing On This Planet I Love More Than Feral Eddie Kaspbrak Being Aggressively Down Bad For Richie Tozier-- and it’s ALWAYS the case in ALL iterations of reddie but based on the nature of Neddie never having interacted with ANYONE but n!richie and pennywise, n!richie is ONLY person she really knows positively or cares about which is so fucked up and I’m obsessed with it.

And then, on the flip side, you have n!richie is who is EQUALLY down bad and codependent, but she’s a lot more polite about it and less blatant then neddie who is objectively very mean!! love her but neddie is MEAN!!

((Like,, for example ,,, a couple protective N!Richie moments:

'Richie is signing something, looking terribly hopeless despite how angrily her brows furrow and how pointed her hands clink together, Eddie just wishes she knew sign language.' .... '“She said that we haven’t...She also called you a bitch.”'

'“You know that’s probably why she doesn’t want to cut them right? Because the last time she did you got hurt?”'

VS

only a few, there are so many more, Protective neddie moments:

'Short girl yelps, shoulders squaring up to her ears as she shoves the tall one behind her'

'“She’s not your Richie. She doesn’t like looking like a fucking idiot.”'

'“We need to go after her!” ... “You’re just fucking leaving? You fucking ASSHOLE!”'))

So my three sort of key points for writing their vibe was:

They both care about each other DEEPLY and AGGRESSIVELY more than ANYONE ELSE and at ENTIRELY EQUAL LEVELS

Neddie shows it more outwardly aggressively and constantly vs n!richie dealing with it in a subtle sort of way that’s only blatant when it really needs to be

They’re still KIDS they’re just little GUYS

And then the dynamic between Eddie and the neibolt gals was tricky because Eddie is so fucked up at the start of chapter 2?? She’s SO repressed and also Eddie so I sort of just started with the fact that she’s unfortunately got an Aggressive soft spot of all iterations of Richie Tozier (including a fucked up sad little monster version) and would FUCKING HATE evil baby Eddie and evil baby Eddie would hate her RIGHT back and it devolved from there??

Eddie is physically incapable of Not Caring Too Hard, so what starts as general annoyance devolves rapidly into actual care for these kids (because they’re still KIDS!!! They’re traumatized KIDS!!!!) that she’s DESPERATELY trying to hide (and, because they are technically the same exact person, that’s also exactly what n!Eddie ends up doing)

And n!richie just loves her girlfriend and is generally uncomfortable but okay with this weird, bigger, cleaner version of her girlfriend and would like slightly less yelling please,,,, rip girlie,,,

OTHER RANDOM STUFF

The first scene I actually wrote was the one where the neibolt gals realize Eddie is married to a man because I still think that’s ABSURDLY funny in concept for these two girls to be the Physical Existence Of These Grown Ass Woman’s Internalized Homophobia

((“We’re the embodiment of everything you guys were terrified of when you were kids, we’re lesbians dipshit.” -- that’s it that’s the entire fic))

Also the scene at the big gnome is one of my favorites but DID almost kill me like objectively I almost passed away writing it I DID NOT know how to write it it took FAR TOO LONG

Also also I AM gonna take this opportunity to say that I am WELL AWARE that NONE OF THIS IS HOW CAR SELLING AND GETTING GAS WORKS I promise I KNOW!!! But theres simply NO OTHER WAY FOR EDDIE KASPBRAK AND TWO CHILDREN TO GET FROM MAINE TO LA REASONABLY but I do know that I doesn’t make ANY ACTUAL SENSE

Okay and here’s a fun little bonus very broke, only a couple disconnected scenes of a one shot I was trying to write a whileeeee ago about N!richie finding out about the two years she was unconscious,,, because that’s still one of THE most fucked up things I’ve ever done to two characters (both having N!Eddie be alone for that long and having n!richie NEVER FIND OUT LIKE…):

(N!Eddie POV)

Richie was never supposed to find out. She didn’t need to know about the two years that Eddie was alone and she was just a doll, it’d only upset her and Eddie tried to avoid that when possible because that’s when she would shut down and that really would have just made things worse for both parties involved.

But sometimes, especially in the Kaspbrak-Tozier household, things don’t go how they're supposed to. Actually, very, very rarely do they go as they’re supposed to.

---

2 years?

Human Eddie swallows, thickly. Thicker than she should, considering the lack of fucking slime, “Richie–” 

She snaps her head to Human Eddie so fast her neck makes a grinding noise where it connects to the bottom of her head. Ever since they cut her stitches (it’d taken weeks of building up to it and they’d needed to stop halfway through because she’d had such a bad panic attack she’d almost gone entirely unresponsive-- and after they’d had to painstaking explain that, while they had hurt her sometimes, they were entirely preformative and she literally had no vocal chords which seemed to upset their human counterparts more than it had ever upset them) she’d been more expressive, but now her face is impossibly hard to read. 

You know? Her signing had always been a little stilted, sort of like watching particularly well made stop motion, but she’s moving her hands just as choppily as she needs to after she’s dolled out and needs to reorient her mind to her body. 

“I–”

You. Know. How long.

It’s not a question. 

(N!richie POV)

Running had always come easy, in terms of fight or flight she’d always been the flier while Eddie had preferred to stand her ground, useless fists and loud, angry words that more often than not ended with one of them hurt. But she’d always wished she’d been able to do the same, maybe if she’d been stronger the two of them could have won more of the fights Eddie had lost. 

But there was the particular issue of how easily Richie shattered and how easily Pennywise could knot invisible strings around her wrists and use her against her girlfriend; sometimes she wonders if he made her quite so not-human on purpose. 

So, she got good at running. There was something reassuring about having a place to hide, knowing, trapped inside a house made up of broken floorboards and four walled rooms, that you’ve crammed yourself in the furthest corner, you’ve done everything you can to get away and now it's out of your hands. It’s nothing substantial, not when, more often than not, she’d wake up still tilted around her knees inside a kitchen cabinet or with Eddie kneeling over her in an upstairs closet and know she’d lost time and Eddie’d lost the fight, but it was something. 

The real world, as it turns out, is much much bigger than four walls. It’s something she’d known, in the abstract way you know that there is blood pumping through people you care about, it’s always there, drifting in the back of your mind, but once you actually see a substantial amount of it you wish you had never known about it at all. 

It’s a dodgy metaphor at best, especially for Richie, whose favorite person in the world does not, in fact, have blood pumping inside of her but instead a lot of fucking black slime, but all that to say, her world is bigger now and sometimes, even though all of this is much better than before had ever been, she sometimes finds herself wishing it was small again.

All that living in a big, wide world really does is make her feel like she can’t possibly run far enough when she needed to escape something.

---

Ben and Mike had fixed her cheeks, flushed out the maggots and sealed the cracks with something that dried slightly chalky when she prodded it with her tongue, thicker than glass but close enough in color and consistency that she thinks she’s the only one who could really notice. It was, overall, a good thing; she could go out without the dumb fucking masks, she hated the masks, the way the ear straps clung itchy inside the small crack segmenting her ears from the rest of her head, how it felt like a second barrier, a second line of stitches, keeping her out of conversations. Without the cracks more people looked her in the eyes, which was nice in its own way, even though Human Eddie had seemed incredibly upset that they hadn’t in the first place when she’d told her that.

All the perks of not having cheek holes were great, but she missed the maggots sometimes. She didn’t have any sentimental connection to them, not like her Eddie who’d said her cheeks were much less fun to kiss now, but having something wriggling and alive inside of her she could focus on helped reassure her that she’s alive. They helped reassure her that she’s awake. 

(Woah, random Stan POV)

Stan loves her friends, really, getting the Losers back in her life had been one of the best things that had ever happened to her, and Richie and Eddie’s kids just made everything that much better. That being said, when she had exactly zero friends with exactly zero children she had to drive half an hour out at three in the morning far less often.

AND BONUS here's the first Gals Sighting on my tumblr with my silly lil pandemic art:

AND!! My most recent them!! (or welllll most recent n!richie, I need to draw neddie again desperately)

That's all for now but I am SURE I will have more thoughts on it later!! I care about these kids SO MUCH!!!! I LOVE them!!! If you've got any specific scenes you've got questions on too I would LOVE to elaborate!! but my brain has become soup!!

[rianafying]

i’m starving and i’m hungover and i’m in trouble. my sd card got corrupted and i might lose all the work i’ve done in january, which is a LOT of work. i just need to talk to my friends. the timing is bad because they’re either at work or asleep rn. i’m about to throw up.

it’s fine i reached them, after they woke up. spoke to friends, i feel better emotionally. but worse physically because it’s been so long since i’ve had some food. any food. there’s so much shit i need to buy but no money to buy them. i’m scared that one of these days i’ll have to resort to ebegging. i don’t want to do that. because im not even doing that bad but i feel terrible. and im prone to heavily catastrophizing every situation im faced with. somehow i have linked this sd card failure to the downfall of my career that i have worked so hard to build. if you dont have catastrophizing anxiety, you dont know what it feels like to imagine every single worst possible outcome and believe it to be true. but somehow throughout my life, it has been. what i feared kept coming true. but fearing it and being paralysed by it, didn’t help my case. apparently it’s in my brain chemistry to do this and also to have chronic pain. apparently there’s something wrong in my hypothalamus, pituitary gland, amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. they’re are all fucked up and feel wayyy more pain than is ever necessitated. i feel like im spiralling out of control at a faster rate than i can reel it back in. for most of my life ive been getting wounded more than i could heal. and now im limping my way through life, and hating almost every second of it despite trying so hard not to.

i had a full breakdown today, worse than other breakdowns. i feel super defeated. people are being nice to me. somehow that is making me feel even worse. things keep going wrong. there is no escaping tragedy.

day 3 of this same journal entry. i’m officially out of money. even my coins. i have a little bit of usd in my absolute emergency fund, but i really don’t want to have to touch that. i have a week to go before i get paid a bit of money. which will still not be enough because i had to use afterpay to buy some necessary stuff at kmart, and now i have to pay it back. things rlly are tough out here. thinking i should not fix my laptop and instead spend that money like normal. like use it to get by nicely for a while. then what? at what point will i be able to get a real regular job? i found out for sure this month that i can’t make it to work on 25% of days due to my illness. so what work could i do. rlly upset about losing the images on my sd card. i haven’t permanently lost them yet, but, it’s far too expensive to recover. i was considering recovering the data when im in bangladesh but i dont think id trust the data recovery service in dhaka anyway. they’ll probably fail at the task and also ruin my card. things are so wrong rn. my microwave, my pan, my passport, my myki, my financial situation, the burnt skin on my face, my psoriasis and arthritis, my hair situation, my multiple severe nutritional deficiencies and chronic pain, my various mental illnesses, my awful dirty room, my inability to work on any, let alone every, one of these problems. i just get paralysed and bed rot for days. this is officially too much for me. it’s too many things to deal with. i’m not built for even half of this. how can i give up without like kms, like what’s another way to give up? because bed rotting isn’t cutting it. i could really use some help. when i asked for help, my uncle said to visit my friend in sydney, or to visit bangladesh, neither of which is going to actually help my situation, because ill be miserable regardless of where i am, until my problems have been resolved. and both of these things are expensive as fuck, like, what’s a girl supposed to do. i don’t wanna go on a $200 trip to sydney when my sd card requires a $400 data recovery. that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is my situation.

no amount of talking to people, or going on trips is going to solve my problems. which is painful for me to say because i’ve been dying to do something fun for once. not that i don’t have fun in melbourne i do, but that’s cause i try to enjoy work, and romanticise the life i already have. and because im not yet a local local, i can still experience melbourne like a tourist. with fresh eyes. anyway, yeah, im deleting bumble because its stupid, let’s be real im never gonna go on a date w a strangers plus i dont even respond to people because im obviously not ready to actually give this a chance. not yet at least. costar says i let my need for stability stunt relationship growth. but i’m okay with that, or at least i would be if i had any stability. right now i feel like i have the short end of every stick. no it feels like i have no stick at all. the universe or god or whatever is out there is giving me a huge middle finger and laughing at my suffering.

they say that i’m overthinking or that even if there is a problem there’s a solution. what’s the solution to not having enough money to solve my problems? by the time i might have money, these problems will have caused critical damage. what’s the solution to the weight i carry around from never feeling safe or loved my whole entire life. what’s the solution to the mother shaped void in my heart. what’s the solution to the fear of losing my sibling and friends. i cope, and i deal, but it never really goes away. even now as i’ve hit my weekly rock bottom, i’m trying to list things to be grateful for, to see the glass as half full. but i can’t lie, the glass is not half full. i’ve been running on a nearly empty tank for as long as i can remember. even if i somehow manage to get my tank full, there’s like holes in it that can never be permanently patched. i destroy everything i touch, i let down everyone i know, and i keep getting chances. i don’t need another chance. i need a break. i don’t want to prove myself, unless it is to prove that i fail.

i’m told that the broader focus of my life during this time is to clear away built-up structures that have been holding me back. excess is not always abundance. i’m supposed to decide what's worth keeping and what to pass up. apparently my sense of well-being relies on my willingness to seize new opportunities, which is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. “use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.” this could not be more on the nose. fine i’ll pack some stuff up and head drop it in a donation bin. it will clear up some space in my room too. this might be good. give me some literal and also mental space to work with. also on the nose is “make sure you're not doing that thing where you over-intellectualize your experience, and then convince yourself that you know all the laws of the universe.” okay i get it. thank you for spelling it out for me. maybe now i will finally listen. i’m certainly being spied on. most of life is out of my control but i choose joy.

i couldn’t attend the invasion day protest today because i was on the phone talking a loved one out of killing herself. i shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s not like i had a choice in that scenario. i’m told that in most scenarios, there is no such thing as “fault”. if my goal was to shift blame, i could use all the words in the world to make myself innocent, but that’s not what i want, that’s not what i’m familiar with.

i think that maybe i would like to have a fresh start. i dont know what a fresh start would even look like. to go back in time a couple of years? how many years? at what point was it fresh? go back to when i was born? be born to different people? be a different person? a fresh start to me would be one in which so much is different from how my life is right now, that i don’t know how it would even be mine. this is who i am, all the terrible things that make up, well, me. and a fresh start wouldn’t be me, or it wouldn’t be fresh. i’m stale and im crusty, to the core of my being.

maybe i just need to go on a walk.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Sunday, December 17th

Lololol I'm acting totally crazy rn.

Pros of telling her:

She might break up with him leaving him to be a single POS

I would feel like an evil queen who rules the land

I would get some revenge on that pos (both)

Possibly help her from wasting her time (nice)

Cons:

They would both hate me probably forever

Trauma bond is real and it might make them closer together bc they're both so fucked up

His family might hate me for being a crazy bitch and possibly making him lose his mind which would effect them negatively because they would have to take care of him full time (ok actually this is the winner, I'm glad I wrote this out)********

****** this is the right answer bc on God I want that poor woman and her cranky sweet old man husband to just damn retire already, retire from having to raise their adult children AND grandchildren. Let them rest please this is what I pray for ❤️

Also:

I really don't have to do shit, he is fully capable of fucking this shit up himself it is simply a matter of time (if she has half a brain)

I really don't have to do this shit bc I have no intention of getting back together with him (for the aforementioned reasons in other posts) and have lost all respect and trust for him (he is literally a fucking joke)

If she has literally 0 no brain: then they are perfect together! I hope that one day I stalk his page and see them having 4 babies in a crack shack on W street, because they are "just chill like that" and being a ghetto dickhead is still cool when you can't do anything actually interesting or meaningful with your life, blissfully in love while they teach their kids to roll their weed, never take them to the aquarium or museums or on trips bc they were so self-centered when they were young that now they are dealing with the consequences 10 yrs later. Trust me, I don't think less of these ppl who are forced into these situations, but when you're given multiple chances to do better and you just don't, then I just don't respect your choices and truly think you must have rotted your brain out with shrooms or LSD or Xanax or fucking whatever.

Let's sayyyyyy they actually are great people (they aren't) they get engaged, get married, start a family, move into their own home, love each other unconditionally, admit to their past mistakes, agree to couple's counseling, put their kids in the best schools, have the best jobs, and go on regular date nights..... They have the perfect life. What's the con, you ask?

There is no con, I'll be living my best life rarely giving them a thought, like a random drop of rain on a perfectly sunny day, I'll have a thought, and then, right back to status quo 😎

Edit: 12/26/23

Remember what Faith said: Do you want to raise children with him? Do you want your kids to act like him when they grow up? Because he would be their role model. 😶😳🤯

Literally my best friend in the whole world I love her

[walkin-alone]

i have lost most of my means of self expression that kept me sane and miserable at the same time since i was a child. i havent been writing on regular for 10 years. it feels crazy. and when i attempt writings now im too rusty to get through it. i stopped drawing on regular few years ago too. gave up sort of. after my lack of progress made me so unhappy i was unable to function i had to distance myself and sort of give up on art to get better mentally. but now im too rusty to draw as well. and i feel such shame and regret about it, that i let myself lose the slivers of skills i might have had. and now when i want to express what i feel ive got nothing. i feel like im getting duller and duller every month, my brain getting more sluggish every day i leave work. reminds me of how my mom live with just being completely uncreative, makes me think she might not always been this way. i gave up because i knew i didnt have it in me to be good at things. now that im out of practice, i miss being only slightly below-average. at least i could make something back then. now i just get ideas to forget them unutilized because i have nothing to use them with. every time i try to practice i just want to lie down and rot. i dont know which way would be better for me but the real solution rn is to go to sleep and stop agonizing about bullshit

1/8/2023

[lostburkes]

lost really said that your past doesn’t define you and that you are not irredeemable. you are still a good person even if you’re not perfect. there is a place where you belong and where you are loved, a place where you can be free. you are not alone and you never were. there are people in this world who will love and accept you no matter what and that connection is more important than anything. and then just expected me to be okay ????

[dolliesoob]

࿐ by your side

su-hyeok x reader | 1.7k words

content warning(s) ↝ idealism + thoughts of suicide

synopsis ↝ a moment of relaxation turns into a dark and real conversation, but of course, as always, suhyeok is right there to help you yet again.

author’s note ↝ all of us are dead is rotting my brain rn, especially this man !! lee su-hyeok i love u so much. also kinda a vent comfort fic ^w^

LEANING AGAINST the edge of the school rooftop, you cast your gaze out upon the dark, empty sky before you. Nothing but the twinkling, bright stars plagued the endless black mass, as if silently mocking you and your current situation from up above the earth. It made you think back to simpler times, before all the blood, sweat, and tears; a time you missed oh so much.

The cool breeze of the night tickled against your skin in a comforting way, and you savored in the feeling, finally having a moment of peace, almost being able to forget the fact that you were in the middle of a zombie apocalypse in whole.

You could hear the crackling from the bonfire lit not far from behind you adjoined with the quiet voices of conversation amongst your classmates, and sighed contently. Closing your exhausted eyes, you tried your hardest to block out all the negative thoughts currently invading your mind as hopelessness began to spread through you.

Nobody’s coming to save us. We’re all alone.

Are we all going to make it out of this alive?

Who’s going to be the next one to die; to sacrifice themselves for everybody elses’ lives?

Is it even worth trying to live anymore?

Peeling your heavy lids back open slowly, your head fell downwards, staring at the ground all those stories down, the thought of jumping off crossing your mind. How could it not? It seemed like such a simple and easy solution to it all. To die quickly, by your own will. Not having to live in constant fear of getting bit, of turning into one of those mindless creatures you’ve been running from all this time. Maybe it was selfish, but even if you did get out of this alive, would you really be truly living?

Interrupting your train of thoughts, you heard a pair of footsteps approaching you, only stopping once they stood beside you. Hesitantly picking your head up, you turned to the side to see who it was, only to lock eyes with Suhyeok. The familiar brown pair of orbs you’ve gotten lost in countless of times before gave you an overwhelming sense of comfort.

“Hey,” He started quietly, flashing you a half-smile.

“Hi,” You replied, breaking eye contact with him and looking back forward instead. His gaze lingered on you for a few moments longer before following yours and looking out to the night with you.

“What are you thinking about?” He asked, making you take in a deep breath, sighing heavily. Your eyes fell downcast once more, biting down on your bottom lip, a habit of yours you did whenever you were anxious. Suhyeok caught notice of this. He carefully grabbed your hand that was resting at your side, interlocking your fingers with his, allowing his thumb to softly rub against your palm; something that always helped calm you.

You swallowed nervously before you muttered, “Of jumping.”

His soothing moments halted at those two little words, and you felt his grip on your hand tighten. You glanced back at him, noticing his wide and frightened eyes.

“What?” Surely he heard you wrong, right?

“I was thinking about just ending it all. It’s hard not to. Something so effortless and quick. It would be better than—“

“No.” He sharply cut you off, his use of tone catching you off guard. “You don’t get to think like that. I made a promise to make sure you get out of here, alive, and I intend on keeping it.”

You clicked your tongue at his words, tears beginning to cloud your vision. Eyebrows knitting together, you flicked your eyes away from him once again, knowing that if you held his hard stare for any longer you’d become an emotional mess, something you, respectively, weren’t all that fond of becoming.

“I don’t get it,” Your head shook slightly as you spoke, “How do those thoughts never cross your mind? How are you never even scared? We’re in a literal zombie outbreak for God’s sake.”

He breathed a small laugh at you; a sound straight from the heavens above, you thought—he himself was truly a real-life angel born in existence. One you had the honor of falling in love with. Silence fell over the two of you as he thought over your words himself before forming a response.

“I guess… it’s because I won’t let myself die without making sure you get out of here and are safe. Because you are my top priority as to why I’ve even survived this long, and the reason why I keep continuing to.”

He turned his body fully towards you now, his other hand reaching up to your face, gently cupping it and turning it to face him, his thumb trailing your cheekbone. Your watery eyes met his, who’s similarly mirrored your own. His skin on yours made you feel all warm inside despite the chilly air you stood in, and every time, no matter how accustomed you were to it, still managed to make your stomach go through loops. With him, he somehow fills you with a feeling you’ve never felt before, one you never imagined you were capable even existed. You settled into that feeling like imagining angels laying on clouds. Just softness. Warmth.

That’s what Suhyeok is. He sparks a flame in you that nobody else has ever done before, a flame of which you had no clue was there until it spread like a wildfire and burned its roots in the ground, allowing you to regrow. Replenish. To bloom. He kept you grounded and sane.

“And I am scared,” He continued, his voice growing lower as he let himself be vulnerable with you. “Of course I am, who isn’t? Though I suppose I’m just more scared of losing the people I care about and love.”

You stared into one another’s eyes, his words flowing through your mind, quickly replacing the previous dark thoughts that swarmed it. He cracked a small smile at you before opening his mouth once more, his voice a mere whisper as he looked away from you in a nervous manner.

“Scared of losing you, [name].”

Staying quiet, you waited in awe for him to finish before speaking up again.

“So promise me, you won’t ever let those thoughts win. That whenever you may get them, you tell me. You’re not allowed to give up, okay? Not as long as I’m still breathing.” A tear silently slipped past your waterline, eyes glued to the boy before you, filled with nothing but pure endearment. You nodded, agreeing to his words as he nodded along with you for further confirmation. He then pulled you into a hug, embracing you tightly as you wrapped your arms around him, your head resting comfortably against his chest. It was as if your bodies were molded perfectly to fit together.

“Suhyeok—I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. It’s not that you aren’t important enough to me, or that I don’t love you enough it’s just—“

“Hey, no. It’s okay, I know.” He hushed you lightly as guilt crept up inside of you. “I never thought that—I would never think that. Don’t beat yourself up over this, it isn’t something you can control. The only thing you can control is to make sure you don’t give into them.”

You nodded against him once again. God, how did he always have the perfect words to say to you. The two of you stayed like that for a while longer, relishing in the comfort you each provided for the other. It felt like you and him were the only two in the world: no zombies, no fear, no death, no pain. And you didn’t dare take this moment of tranquility for advantage.

As he pulled away, much to your disliking, you groaned mentally, wanting nothing more than to stay in that position forever, though to no alas. He kept his arms wrapped around you firmly regardless, as you took the time to admire his face. How each and every single one of his features was perfect, as if he were a real handmade porcelain doll. The still-lit fire shadowed on him beautifully, further enhancing even the tiniest of details that anyone else would have skipped over. Even amidst an apocalypse, he managed to look flawless.

“[name],” He called out to you softly, and you snapped your attention back to him, taking note of the light coat of blush spreading on his face rapidly. A nervous laugh fell from your lips in embarrassment, though all he did was gaze at you lovingly.

“One more thing,” He began, clasping your small hands in his larger ones. You hummed in response. “Promise me..” You observed how he was being careful with his play on words, “Promise me that you’ll stay alive, and that we’ll make it out of here, together. Please.”

Your breath hitched in your throat from hearing the pure desperation and amount of emotions presented in those few words. He was deathly afraid of something happening to you, more than the cannibalistic monsters trying to eat you all at any given opportunity. You were his world, and the only thing providing him the strength to keep going in this hellish nightmare.

His eyes were raw with tenderness as he watched you expectantly, awaiting your response anxiously. Blinking back tears, you regained your composure. Finally nodding firmly, you saw how his face softened almost immediately.

“I promise,” You assured him, practically being able to feel the relief radiating off of him. “I promise we’ll be okay.”

Though that nagging feeling will always resonate somewhere within you for as long as you’re in this disaster, the reminder of Suhyeok being there was enough to fight it. You were determined to stay alive, so you can finally actually be alive once again. With him. For him. You each had a promise to fulfill, and together, you’ll be able to make sure they don’t get broken.

Somehow, with him being at your side, everything seemed just a little easier.

[tsui-no-sora]

Awwww yes! I was waiting on your take in my little Au (so I don't confuse with the real lore) I am feeling so validated rn, you being the main lorehead and yes, you deserve that tittle.

I am a sucker for angst to be honest and a sucker for comfort to, there's gotta be a balance so yes, K!Quackity will get all the angs and dsmp!Quackity will get more of the hurt :]

I am like, I was thinking of just k!Quackity with the dreams and then BOOM you make me remember this is a two way street and dsmp!Q is so alone.

Like yes maybe k!Quackity will be sad because of the dreams but he still has his friends to help him through it but then we have dsmp!Quackity that is alone, and he keeps having these dreams that even if they are happy they leave him with a deep ache. Cause he is alone, he isn't joking anymore, he has no one that will come if he screams their name, no one to pick him up in the brink of death. He has no one to guide him, and call him with afection. No pets with silly names secure even if they are in another person house. He has bread but it's cold not warm from another person hands that relent after a little bit of whining saying he is gonna die.

I should stOP BUT MY BRAIN ROT SO HARD, sorry drellumina beloved. This Au is eating away my mind.

-kuackity

Don't apologize! Nada! Not at all! I love getting your asks and aaaa this au is such a cool idea I love it so much.

And be ready okay because you have infected me with your brainrot just as much and now I'm gonna super rant to you about this AU

I feel so bad for c!Quackity because he's legitimately lost everybody he's loved Karl and Sapnap forgot about him Charlie died all of the Las Nevadas crews have left him behind, and it's all mostly consequences of his own actions, that's just so depressing.

He would be plagued by dreams whenever he does manage to sleep because tbh with the lifestyle c!Quackity leads you know the whole daily torturing the admin and now leaving in perpetual fear of him is probably not so good for your sleeping schedule

Of this happier place, this land with no divison, where everybody seems to get along, and where everybody seems to care so much for him to keep him protected and safe who give him shelter and food and Pets and stay for him and wait for him

In a place where nobody has left him behind when he looked way younger than he is now because actually k!Quackity's current skin is the same one c!Quackity had when he joined the DSMP

And then he wakes up from those happy dreams and the feeling of it must be so incredibly lonely

I wonder if he would start trying to sleep more and more like c!George because his dreams are the only escape he has or if he would completely start avoiding falling asleep at all because he knows the moment he wakes up he will be alone and miserable and angry and afraid again

On the other hand I can imagine k!Quackity becoming really afraid of sleeping and developing insomnia that Luzu really has to help him through and assure him that while the dreams are ugly he needs to sleep at least a little and at least k!Quackity knows that the moment he wakes up he will be comforted by his friends

k!Quackity is not alone and his everyday life is a pretty happy one and his friends probably try very hard to make sure that he doesn't suffer a lot while asleep

I also think he would become very interested in learning about c!Wilbur and c!Charlie even if he can barely remember them at all and that it would really scare him into doing his best to stick to this set of people who care for him because he has seen this version of him who is definitely him but older and sadder and lonely and angry and he really doesn't want to become like that

It makes him and more convinced that he needs to do anything he can to not get left behind that he really can't afford to be left behind here

AAAAA ESTE AU ME PONE RE TRISTE POR EL PATITO LOS SUEÑOS (NO MEXICANOS) LE VAN A DAR UN BUEN DE TRAUMAS PERO ME ENCANTA

[lavellander]

so back when i had approx zero followers on this blog i made a post comparing solas and atlas (as in the titan) and i wanna bring it up again

BUT also the original layout of the post was ugly and all my extra thoughts are v long so its going in a readmore!! abandon hope all ye who enter here<3

i wanna preface this by saying IF ANYONE WITH A CLASSICS DEGREE WANTS TO STEP IN AND HELP OR CORRECT ME lmao please do!! my degrees are in english not ancient shit!! also i figured someone had already broken down this connection but i couldnt find a post abt it?? google didnt give me anything but if someone's already done this pls link me to it!!

anyway the obvious connection my little gremlin brain made was because atlas was charged with holding up the sky – not the world! common misconception – and solas's stronghold is literally called skyhold because it's where he held up the sky

(quick thank you to what the water gave me by florence + the machine for planting this little seed of brain rot within me)

and so i was like. im gonna look more up about atlas, maybe theres a specific myth or epic poem or smth that gives me more info idk. and since i wasnt about to buy any new books my results are limited but i found some shit that Fucked Me Up Real Good

GODS, REBELLION, + PUNISHMENT

(here are some of the sources btw these screenshots are months old so idr which goes to what im so sorry)

[ID: A screenshot reading "Atlas and his brother Menoetius sided with the Titans against the Olympians and when the Titans were eventually defeated many of them were confined to Tartarus (a deep abyss used as a dungeon) including Atlas's brother. However, Atlas had a different fate, and Zeus condemned Atlas to stand at the Western edge of Gaia (the Earth) and hold the heavens on his shoulders to prevent the two from resuming their" – the screenshot cuts off here.]

[ID: A screenshot reading "He (Atlas) was the leader of the Titan rebellion against Zeus, and he got a fitting punishment after" – the screenshot cuts off here.]

[ID: A screenshot reading "Atlas and his brother Menoetius sided with the Titans. In time, Atlas even managed to become the leader of the rebellion, but that didn't end up too well for him in the long run, since it got him the most severe punishment after the defeat of the Titans."]

SO. atlas led a rebellion against a pantheon of gods!! HOW INTERESTING :^) wonder who that sounds like. haha!!

[ID: A screenshot reading "The Archivist in the Sundered Hall of the Shattered Library stores the following memory: 'After he held back the sky to imprison the gods, the Dread Wolf disappeared.' Thus Skyhold is the place where the" – the screenshot cuts off here.]

[ID: A screenshot reading "Known as Tarasyl'an Te'las ('the place where the sky is kept' or, more specifically, 'the place where the sky was held back') in ancient elvish, Skyhold is a fortress located in a stretch of the Frostback Mountains near the Dales," – the screenshot cuts off here.]

there are obvious differences here, mainly being that atlas & co lost their fight against the olympians and holding up the sky was atlas's punishment, whereas solas technically won by "holding up" the sky aka creating the veil

this might be my own personal perception of solas and his whole thing but i do feel like the concept of punishment (in various forms) can be seen threading through his character and story. i'm still trying to work this part out in a way that doesn't make it seem like i'm conflating punishment, consequence, and burdensome responsibility lol so putting a pin in it for now!

i'm also interested in any similarities bw tartarus and where the evanuris are kept !!!! they are both called the abyss and are home to fucked up demons and shit!!! but i'll need to do more reading for that

PRIDE / HUBRIS

also, as most bitches who fell victim to this wily bastard, i'm obsessed with the name solas meaning pride?? especially since we know solas is a name he chose for himself at one point?? (i cant find the source rn but if someone has it i would love to include it here!)

i know he says "solas came first," but i'm taking that to mean he as a person came before his role/identity as the dread wolf, not that literally the name solas itself came first. i would LOVE to know when exactly he started calling himself solas, and more importantly the precise reason he decided on that name. like not to be raised catholic on main but one doesn't name themselves after a fucking cardinal sin just because it sounds cool !!!! the man has fucking BAGGAGE

side note – i'm aware that in elvish solas can also mean "to stand tall," but given that...

every single other use of the word or root 'solas' has been translated to mean 'pride'

solas describes himself as prideful on more than one occasion

the fact that his personal quest centers around a fucking pride demon, and

for reasons i'm about to go into

....i think we can assume it's the negative connotation, not the 'standing tall' one.

so, given that i'm already hell deep in greek myth because of the atlas stuff, i'm like yeah let's see what those guys had to say about pride

[ID: A screenshot reading "HYBRIS was the goddess of personified spirit (daimona) of insolence, hubris, violence, reckless pride, arrogance, and outrageous behavior in general. Her Roman name" – the screenshot cuts off.]

[ID: A screenshot reading "In ancient Greek, hubris referred to 'outrage': actions that violated natural order, or which" – the screenshot cuts off.]

[ID: A screenshot reading "like Hesiod and Aeschylus used the word 'hubris' to describe transgressions against the gods."]

LMAO UM? i can't stop thinking about "actions that violated the natural order" and "transgressions against the gods" !!! because solas's WHOLE DEAL is that he did both of those things !!!!!

and while i don't think his core reasons for challenging the evanuris were based in pride, i do think there is also a subtle nuance between pride and hubris? (once again i am not a classical scholar so that may just be me and my misconceptions!)

at any rate, solas DOES see the world he created as a violation of the natural order; the veil itself is a violation of the natural order, which is why he's hellbent on tearing it down. his "transgressions" against the gods – which here i mean to be an 'offense' or 'disobedience,' rather than breaking the law or whatever – are what led to the act that literally altered the fabric of reality. hubris (in its definitions listed here, not just to mean pridefulness) all the way through, start to finish !!

of course much has already been said about solas's association with pride demons. to name a few, the fact that your first boss battle in inquisition is a pride demon, that his friend in his personal quest is corrupted into a pride demon, and this fucking banter between solas and vivienne:

SOLAS: Tell me, Enchanter. Do you even bother to explore the Fade in your dreams? VIVIENNE: I prefer to explore the world I actually live in. SOLAS: Pity. You could be much more powerful if you ventured outside your narrow preconceptions. VIVIENNE: Ah, the temptation to leave the path. You sound like a pride demon. SOLAS: Enchanter, any pride demon you met would just walk away, shaking its head and laughing uncontrollably. VIVIENNE: Oh darling, more than one already has.

also this post by felassan has good points that make me want to yell a lot:

[ID: A screenshot reading "'Solas' means 'pride' in elvish. Solas is wise and friends with spirits of Wisdom. Corrupted spirits of Wisdom are Pride demons. Pride demons have multiple eyes. The black wolf Solas is depicted with on his Tower card has multiple eyes. I don't think these things are coincidences"]

HOWEVER this post is not abt pride demons it is about ATLAS so im going to stop there. the point of bringing up hubris at all was the whole 'violation of natural order' and especially 'transgressions against the gods' so im getting real sidetracked here. moving on

MOUNTAINS + SKYHOLD

this one is more of like a fun little addition rather than anything super in depth BUT in my original googlings i found several sources that mentioned that some myths/interpretations see atlas as a mountain or a mountain range because he was turned to stone after seeing a gorgon head??

mountains!!! as the place/thing that holds back the sky!!!! this is fine!!

but also to quote my original tags:

#thinking of mountains as holding up the heavens is obv not revolutionary lmfao #and certainly not restricted to greek myth or This Fucking Video Game #but! #(shane madej voice) ive connected the dots #let me have this<3

IDK WHAT TO DO W THIS LOL

as with most of my long bullshit posts: i have no idea what to do with this information :~)

like what is The Point™ of having such similar stories!! a god leads a rebellion against a pantheon of other gods and, at the end of it, has to hold up/back the sky???? that can describe either one of them!! even where they differ, i still see similarities – the titans lose and are sentenced away to tartarus, which is described as AN ABYSS!! compared to the evanuris losing and being locked away.......in the abyss................hello. here lies the abyss, the well of all souls, from these emerald waters doth life begin anew??? bye.

anyway the reason i wanted to revive this idea is to see what other ppl had to say about it!! either adding new info or correcting anything i have here or just theorizing!!! would love to hear yalls thots<3

[slytherflynn]

Old and New | Pt I

Blaise Zabini x muggle!reader

word count: 1971

summary: y/n is new to France on a study abroad trip. Blaise is visiting France post-Hogwarts. rags to riches story of an unfortunate muggle falling for a complicated, ridiculously wealthy person who just so happens to also be a powerful Wizard.

a/n: this started with an idea, became a moodboard, then became an entire fleshed out fic! I thought it would be short but my brain had other ideas. enjoy! note: I did write this from my personal perspective in life. as a result it is not very inclusive. I plan to change that with my next fics, I’ve just been having a really hard time lately and have been writing a lot of comfort fics and/or self-inserts to escape from irl bc irl is rly shitty for me rn

It’s a brand-new start, in a brand-new apartment, in a brand-new city, in a brand-new country... an ocean away from home. I can bring Tacoma to France, right? At least, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. Study abroad is fucking... scary. I kinda regret it. It’s a good opportunity and for someone who doesn’t travel, it should be a fun experience. But I’m currently having an anxiety attack over taking out the garbage, so I’m not sure my positive self-talk is working.

I look out the window of my top floor apartment, wait until someone finally finishes walking down the stairs, and run out my door - I nearly trip about five times going down the spiral of death, my arms feel like jelly thanks to perpetually pushing my garbage deeper in to avoid this trip, and I swing with all my might to hurl my garbage bag into the trash compacting dumpster - only it hits the bottom lip and falls to the ground, splitting open.

“Great!” I say, sarcastically, “First they send my luggage to the wrong location, then they try to say my passport isn’t valid because my apartment was a temporary address, then I’m greeted with a fridge full of rotting food and no power, then I’m bitten up by fleas and now - I just- fuck. Why can’t I just- do anything- right-“ I cut myself off when I hear a screen door slide and blink a couple times to erase the threat of tears that had been creeping up on me while I ranted.

When I look up, I see a tall, dark-skinned guy about my age - handsome. He’s wearing a suit, and expensive jewelry. Combine that with the fact he’s living in the apartment building next to me, which is worth more than my life just for one month of rent, and I put together that he’s probably rich beyond belief. I quickly look away, not wanting to stare. I silently pick up my garbage, piece by piece. As I work, I feel eyes drilling holes in the back of my head. I ignore it. It continues, and I still ignore it as I finally shove my ripped garbage bag in the compactor and slam the door shut. I hear a slight jump up above, and chuckle to myself.

I zoom back up the stairs and almost make it to the top, but I trip 5 stairs away from my door - and fall, hard. Body laid out flat hard. Cheek scraped and stinging from the metal grating on the stairs, hard. Lost the goddamned slide that caught on the stair, and can see it gradually falling, bouncing and rolling down the stairs, hard. I lift my head and see blood on the stair. I feel it running down my face. All I can think is that this really fucking hurts. The tears come, a combination of pain and frustration, and I pick myself up and stumble my way into my apartment, completely forgetting about the attractive rich boy who just watched me be a danger and inconvenience to myself.

I rush to the kitchen and grab a roll of paper towels, and run to the bathroom, I see the markings in the mirror and can tell it will leave a sizeable scar. Do I need stitches? I don’t know. Anyway, I start dabbing at everything and blood is still oozing out of every nook and cranny, to my displeasure. I’m about to start bandaging my face when I hear a knock on my door. “Fucking Christ!” I mutter to myself as I slap a wad of paper towels on my face and sulkily go to fling open my door.

I’m not sure who I’m expecting, but to see the same rich guy on my doorstep, slide in hand, probably wasn’t it. “Hey, um, I saw what happened, and I thought you might want your shoe back.” His accent sounds very British - I was expecting it to sound more like a snooty Frenchman’s.

“Oh. Um. Thanks.” I say flatly.

As my muscles twitch to begin closing the door, he says, “Would you like some help cleaning that up? I have certifications to give medical aid... and stitches. My name’s Blaise, by the way.”

Doctor, maybe? Probably. “Sure,” I say, opening the door wider and standing back so the blood doesn’t drip on his suit. “I’m y/n.”

A few minutes later we’re in my bathroom, me sitting on the toilet, him sitting on the bathtub as he helps me fix my face. “So, Mademoiselle y/n,” He asks, “Do you find yourself in these predicaments very often?”

“Which one? Poverty, flea bitten, or bloody?” I say.

“I suppose whichever you’d like to think I was referring to.”

“Well, in *that* case - I’m usually caught unawares in all kinds of predicaments - though I’d say self-injury due to clumsiness is an uncommon one. And do you usually find yourself in predicaments requiring you to treat someone’s wounds?”

“I used to, though now it’s only on the occasion.”

“Sounds like an improvement,” I note. “I won’t guarantee it, but I think I’ll get the hang of walking up the stairs soon enough, so you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily mind it if I did worry about you once or twice more. Why were you running? It seemed like you wanted to get away from something. Does your garbage compactor smell that disturbing?”

“It doesn’t smell great,” I admit, “But truth be told, I’m not a fan of human interaction. It’s scary. Especially when everything is new to me.”

“How long have you been In France?”

“A few days, just enough to get myself physically settled.”

“I see. And you are from America?”

“Mhm. Let me guess, my accent gave it away.”

“And the slang, I’ve yet to hear someone from France use certain terms that you seem to favor.”

“Oh, most of my slang is specific to my city, not just my country.”

“Your city?”

“Yea, Tacoma. It’s near Seattle, if you know where that is. Tacoma’s better, though.”

“I’ve heard of it, but I’ve never been there. My mother is a fashion designer, but she only travels where there’s inspiration or a business deal.” So that’s how he gets the expensive clothes. The rest of the money too, probably.

“Must be nice, having a handmade closet.” I muse. “Not that I care for having any more clothes than I brought. They’re pretty reliable, if I do say so myself.”

He laughs. “Yes, well, if the blood stains don’t come out of your jumpsuit you might need a new one. They shouldn’t be too difficult to remove, though.”

“Yea, I’ll just dump a bucket of Oxi-Clean on it and call it a day. That is, if any stores nearby have it.” I frown, realizing I have no clue if France carries any of the products I usually get. This is gonna suck. Hopefully the internet has some answers so I don’t have to ask anyone for help.

“Why don’t I take your jumpsuit back with me? Save you the trip. Believe it or not, I used to have chronic nosebleeds, so I know a thing or two about stain removal.” Blaise offers.

I smile, only just. “Well, if you insist. But I love this jumpsuit practically more than myself, so I expect it back right away!”

He returns the smile. “A fan of fashion? You ought to meet my mother.”

I chuckle. “I’m sure your mom would despise me - I only own seven jumpsuits and some athleisure for going on runs.” I pause, then tack on: “Oh, and some fuzzy pajamas for when I’m sick.”

Blaise cocks a brow at me. “And when you’re not sick?”

“Don’t worry about it.” I grin mischievously.

A wave of recognition graces his eyes, and he very quickly looks away, I assume for being flustered.

“You Americans, always so scandalous.” He tsks in mock scorn.

“That’s what we’re known for, is it not?” I say cheekily, “Beer, boobs and gun barrels. And all the other problems that come with that, but that’s a can of worms I am not looking to open today.”

He ties off his handiwork, and says, “It looks like my job is finished, other than stealing your jumpsuit off your back to fix it. I can wait in the other room, if you’d like?”

“Um, yea, that works. Lemme just, grab my next jumpsuit. Gonna have to do laundry early, I suppose-“

“I can wash your jumpsuit for you. I’m pretty good at reading labels, if I do say so myself.” He jokes.

“Oh?” I say, “Then you must be a real genius! Who taught you, Einstein?”

“No, but it was another white-haired, eccentric man, so you’re not that far off.”

“When all teachers are like that it’s kind of impossible not to hit relatively close to the mark.” I remark, then change clothes as quickly as I can, tossing the dirty outfit into a trusty plastic bag and tying it shut.

When I walk out to the living room, Blaise is toying with one of my sculptures. He’s definitely been meandering and lurking around. “Enjoying yourself?” I ask, at which he jumps. “You’re rather skittish, Blaise.”

“And you’re rather quiet on your feet, y/n.” He observes. “But yes, I quite like your eclectic style. If only you had an apartment that let your customization shine. Something more minimalist.”

“Yes, well, it’s something I’ll forever dream of and likely never accomplish. I don’t suspect I’m going to be someone leaving the income level I was born into.” I say, just a little bit cynical.

“And why is that?” He asks.

“Because most people don’t, and the ones who do are the ones who make money. My career isn’t going to make me money.” I reply.

“So why did you pick it?”

I sigh. “Because somebody has to care about the people like me. The politicians don’t, the middle class don’t, and the rich are hell bent on keeping us there so they can have factory workers and have people going straight to prison after they graduate because we’re all desperate and miserable.”

He frowns. “That’s terrible.”

“It’s reality. And I don’t want to be like the people who get rich and stop caring because all they see is the wage difference and pretend it’s justified so they don’t have to feel complicit in the system.” I look him in the eye, my face grim. “Not all luck is by chance. Most of it is by design.”

He nods. “I understand, in a way.”

“Everyone does.” I say. “But understanding in a way and caring enough to do something about it are two different things.” I look away from him when I see his posture change. “I’m not trying to be rude, but it’s impossible not to notice the wealth gap between us when you’re wearing designer clothes and living in what looks like a mansion and I’m living in a building made in like 1900 with no elevator. It’s just the way things are, though.”

“I know.” He says quietly, thoughtfully. “I’d better get going. Your clothes?” He reaches out tentatively for the bag I’m still holding.

“Oh. Right.” I say, handing it to him. Our fingers brush against each other slightly, and it sends chills down my spine. He heads to the door while I’m rooted to the spot, collecting myself.

“I look forward to seeing you again, y/n.” He nods, meeting my eyes with a rather changed expression.

“I’ll see you soon, then?” I ask, not quite sure which answer I’m expecting.

He smiles, only just. “As soon as I am able.” Seconds later, he’s out the door, and I’m alone in my dingy ass apartment. How in the fuck did any of that just happen?

[leofcwler]

shania twain vc: let’s go girls!

PREFERRED NAME — bri

PRONOUNS — she/they

AGE — 21 bt i’m turning 22 on sunday baybee!

PINTEREST — bada bing bada boom

DISCORD — bri#0458

TUMBLR (PERSONAL/MUSE/RPH) — yeehaw!

MYER-BRIGGS — istp

HP HOUSE — slytherin

ASTROLOGY — gemini

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — my only current tattoo is the gemini symbol not to sound like a total white girl but yes. yes i believe in astrology.

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — honestly im not sure probably 13?? wipes sweat from my brow

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — i think that makes it 07??? fcking hell

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — i was in this harry potter next gen rp i’m not kidding all of high school like the entire 4 years it was a wild ride

WITHOUT GOOGLING IT FIRST, WHAT DO YOU THINK SIR ELTON JOHN’S NET WORTH IS? — i think like $500 million tbh Big Mans Got Money

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — if only i was a poet by staffan carlen

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — tbh i think my fave was brave new world

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — maybe great gatsby?? i just thought it was so dull..................

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? — im rewatching the office for the 4th time rn lawl but other than that i watched the society in like less than 24 hours

FAVOURITE QUOTE — “if you live to be a hundred, i want to live to be a hundred minus one day so i never have to live without you.” - winnie the pooh baby!

LINK TO A VINE THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — x

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — i used to write novels and stuff but i haven’t in a long time i should probably start again

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL TRUST — tiny meat gang, kurtis conner, drew gooden/danny gonzalez (i couldn’t decide between them)

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — harry styles i would die for him

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — i literally just met kurtis conner at the 1975 concert this monday that was truly wild

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — frankly probably drinking and doing something fun with my friends

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — mandela effect is REAL!!!!!!!!!!

ARE ALIENS REAL? — yes

GHOSTS — yes ofc i’ve had so many experiences w them they are OUT THERE

BIG FOOT — honestly maybe but also? mostly doubt it

THE LOCHNESS MONSTER? — the ocean’s so big it’s impossible to imagine it’s not real and out there also some pics? quite convincing................

WHAT WAS THE GENRE OF YOUR LAST DREAM? — i honestly can’t remember the last dream that i had i’ve been on so many meds fr back issues it’s like fritzed my brain and made it impossible to dream i think

DO YOU STILL PLAY POKEMON GO? — no i kinda miss it i might start it up again tbh

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — i haven’t watched a lot of movies from when i was young recently i won’t lie also i’m not hard to please i would probably still love it

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — i have like 1000 lipsticks also lots of notes and memorabilia from high school?? and hearts haha xP 

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — guitar tbh i took a class freshman year of high school but never got actual lessons

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — french, spanish, and latin

A GUILTY PLEASURE MOVIE — land of the lost it’s literally one of my fave movies even tho i kno its trash

A GUILTY PLEASURE MUSICAL ARTIST — 5sos even tho i’m not guilty........... they’re good.

TELEVISION SHOW — i watch riverdale and i do feel guilty about it it’s not good but i can’t stop.

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — probably kelly from the office i’m not gonna fuck around

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — i have and never will willingly sit through a sports game any day of my life and you can take that to my grave.

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — idk spending time with my friends, drinking lawl, reading, used to take vocal lessons??, rotting away on netflix

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — um?? i feel like the show dark is really underrated but it slaps Dumb Hard

WOULD YOU EAT A STRANGER’S FINGER FOR A MILLION DOLLARS? — who am i to deny myself a tasty snack for a truck load of money

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? honestly i was a bit of both but ig edward in the end idk team jasper if anything /:

LIVE-ACTION DISNEY MOVIES, YAY OR NAY? — ya i like them i don’t even give a hoot and holler i love disney........ there. i said it.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – like 6 i don’t even know who i am

[gawayne-replies]

91 Questions

Oh lord. Thank you @selkatha​ for tagging me in this!

THE LAST – 1. Drink: Water
 2. Phone call: My dad trying to get me to fix the internet 3. Text message: "'A tomato was a foodstuff that could be thrown.'" (a quote from Wookieepedia) 4. Song I listened to: "The Battle Of Gall" by Joel McNeely 5. Time you cried: Monday at 4 am, reading the Kanan comic

HAVE YOU EVER –
 6. Dated someone twice: No
 7. Been cheated on: No 8. Kissed someone and regretted it: I guess but not really in the way you're thinking 9. Lost someone special: Not really 10. Been depressed: Always 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: No

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS –
 12. Vantablack 13. Regular black 14. Dark red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU –
 15. Made new friends: I guess, sorta? 16. Fallen out of love: I’ve never fallen in love so that would be difficult 17. Laughed until you cried: About once a week in math class 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yeah, but in a pretty neutral way 19. Met someone who changed you: I started watching Rebels. So yes 20. Found out who your true friends were: Sure, I suppose

MORE – 
 21. Kissed someone on your facebook? Don't have a Facebook, would never kiss someone who has a Facebook 22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? None, don't have Facebook 23. Do you have any pets? Two cats, Leeloo (mine) and Snowpaw (my sister's) 24. Do you want to change your name? Yeah, I guess, idk 25. What did you do on your last birthday? Literally nothing 26. What time did you wake up? 12:30 pm 27. What were you doing at midnight? "Writing" 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Bubble tea 29. When was the last time you saw your mother? Like two hours ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? No more mental illness 31. What are you listening to right now? The Office 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Probably? 33. Something that is getting on your nerves? The stupid post I have to do on my other blog 34. Most visited site: Either this one or Wookieepedia

SCHOOL – 
 35. Elementary: Alternating years of Good and Hell. So much fuckin snow like that's my clearest memory. So much snow. A mostly-functional education system, that was nice. I went to like five different schools and each had something worth talking about but that'll take too long. (One of them practiced paganism, as it turns out). I moved in the middle of it. Just a very dense time in my life. Too much happened. 36. Middle: Mostly blank. I remember like three things and the rest is a blur of anxiety and dissociation. This is about when I realized that teachers don't actually know stuff, especially if you choose to hire teachers who don't know stuff. 37. High: So far, dislikeable. About half my teachers hate me cause I never do work and the others think I'm a model student (hint: no). I never have to take gym again, though, so naturally I replaced it with philosophy. I can now tell you exactly when the sun rises every morning, thanks J-block band. The third floor became gay this year. 38. College: I'm thinking Waterloo right now, but who knows I might just die instead? I'll probably study either chemistry, astrophysics, writing or music, or philosophy or maths. Who knows?

ME – 
 39. Hair color: Pink, but it'll be mint by next week 40. Long or short hair? Quite short 41. Do you have a crush on someone? Never 42. What do you like about yourself? About half my brain 43. Piercings? Just ears 44. Blood type: AB+ I think 45. Nickname: Occasionally Sherlock, but I mostly get called Daddy Binks these days (or Long Beef Binks, or Daddy Long Beef) (don't ask, you don't want to know). Some people call me Obi on occasion, which doesn't actually come from Obi-Wan as one would expect 46. Relationship status: Single 47. Zodiac sign: Virgo 48. Pronouns: I use she/her but I honestly don't care, as I recently found out 49. Favorite TV show(s): Brooklyn 99, Rebels, Clone Wars, Arrested Development, Parks & Rec 50. Tattoos: Nope 51. Right, ambidextrous, or left-handed? Right-handed

FIRST – 
 52. Surgery: Nope 53. Piercing: Ears 54. Sport: Climbing, since I was 3 55. Vacation: Texas? That wasn't really a vacation per say but we never go on vacation 56. Pair of trainers: Well I'm sure I had one, probably, but what does this want? They were probably blue?

CURRENT – 
 57. Eating: Nothing 58. Drinking: Nothing
 59. I’m about to: Eat, practice, work on stuff 60. Listening to: The Office

FUTURE – 
 61. Waiting for: Death. Or bubble tea 62. Want: Bubble tea, and death 63. Married: Nah 64. Career: Idfk. Either something to do with space, something to do with science, both, something to do with writing or something to do with music.

YOUR TYPE – 
 65. Hugs or kisses? Hugs, but those are also generally bad 66. Lips or eyes? Eyes. Unless the lips are playing something really cool 67. Shorter or taller? Idc 68. Older or younger? Romantically, I'm guessing? My age would be better? 69. Nice arms or nice stomach? I don't give a shit 70. Sensitive or loud? Sensitive, I guess. Just not loud 71. Hook-up or relationship? Neither, preferrably 72. Troublemaker or hesitant? Hesitant 73. Kissed a stranger? Depends on your definition of stranger 74. Drank hard liquor? Nope, so far I only like white wine 75. Lost contact lenses/glasses? Don't have them 76. Turned someone down? I don't think so. If I have I can't remember 77. Sex on first date? Nah 78. Broken someone’s heart? Doubt it 79. Had your heart broken? Not romantically 80. Been arrested? No 81. Cried when someone died? All the Jedi at the end of ROTS. Jacen Solo. Chewie. And my dog. That should have gone first, I'm thinking. 82. Fallen for a friend? Nah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN – 
 83. Yourself? Only at 5:30 in the morning
 84. Miracles? Not really 85. Love at first sight? No 86. Santa Claus? No
 87. Kiss on first date? Sure, whatever 88. Angels? No

OTHER – 
 89. Current best friend’s name: Holly 90. Eye color: Blue/grey 91. Favorite movie: Rogue One, ROTS, Planet of the Apes, Megamind, Star Trek: Beyond

Alright, I'm gonna tag @kenobi-and-barnes, @classy-mantis-shrimp, @crazy-tracyn, @freya-emrys, and anyone else who wants to (seriously you can if you want, I just can't think of people rn).