walkin-alone

[walkin-alone]

Yesterday i felt bad enough to consider professional help. But then my partner took me for a walk, i then cooked some sushi rice and went for a beer with all my boys and i slept for 4 hours and im now hungover but i feel so much better. Beautiful morning, feeling alive. Fucking commited to feeling alive.

6.3.25

[walkin-alone]

I have the hardest time to enjoy things that are outside of my comfort zone especially when its supposed to be fun with my friends. I am so insecure and so so stressed about it all because everything i do with my friends now is so out of my depth and everybody keeps insisting that its all so easy. Do i fucking tell people that things they struggle with are easy? No. I try really hard to aknowledge other ppls sturggles and act accordingly. Like give me a fucking break "its easy you just dont believe in yourself" and what if its actually really hard for me? am i allowed to struggle? or do i have to be like hahah yea its just in my head its fine actually. other people can have things they really struggle with but im just, obviously, making it the fuck up. (to be honest its not about nothing extreme, its about board games. I am extremely stressed and insecure and fucked up because of ultra complex (to me) board games that are now the main focus of my friend group and if i want to keep in touch with them all i need to keep up and i spent most of my life doing sports and reading books and all this is so fucking alien and overwhelming lmao. its looks so silly written down)

Well to update on wearing womens clothes, all ready and done i felt like a million bucks in the dress in the end. My fried did my mekaup and i felt really pretty in a way i havent in a very long time. So thats good.

Less good is that im once again feeling like shit for ??? reasons and i feel like lately its been coming back more frequently than before and it is getting little concerning. biggest problem is that im generally unpleasant to be around again and i just dont know what to do. I hope its just a post-convention depressive episode but it still wouldnt excuse me from being this annoying. I cannot stop talking shit about myslef and it annoys ppl around me (completely justified, im being a fucking tar pit). Im so burned out from work and lost in general direction of life and those are things that are in theory completely under my control but i still cannot think of a satisfying way forward.

25/2/25

[walkin-alone]

Well to update on wearing womens clothes, all ready and done i felt like a million bucks in the dress in the end. My fried did my mekaup and i felt really pretty in a way i havent in a very long time. So thats good.

Less good is that im once again feeling like shit for ??? reasons and i feel like lately its been coming back more frequently than before and it is getting little concerning. biggest problem is that im generally unpleasant to be around again and i just dont know what to do. I hope its just a post-convention depressive episode but it still wouldnt excuse me from being this annoying. I cannot stop talking shit about myslef and it annoys ppl around me (completely justified, im being a fucking tar pit). Im so burned out from work and lost in general direction of life and those are things that are in theory completely under my control but i still cannot think of a satisfying way forward.

25/2/25

[walkin-alone]

Note to self to not fuck with womens clothes again. Ive been feeling so good and normal about my body for past 5 years or so because i avoided clothes that feel badTM but recently i agreed to participate in two occasions where i will be fully fem presenting and im already feeling like shit abt it. I really just wanted to have fun with it, hoped it would feel fun and good to be a "girl" again for one night but i dont feel or look good in dresses and other garments and they dont fit me and suddenly the feeling that something is inherently wrong and broken with me is back after fucking half a decade?? i dont understand and i realize its irrational but every thought about it all makes me feel so depressed. i really hope it passes i would love to overcome this shit for good. idk if its dysphoria or what it just makes me want to decompose ngl (now that i think about it depressive episodes often sort of kickstart a wave of dysphoria in me so maybe its just a byproduct and ill be okay in like a week or two, i think its worth it to try and wait it out)

14/1/25

[walkin-alone]

[walkin-alone]

Thank you for being there, when I am worn and broken…

[walkin-alone]

But fr it might be another dopamine wave crashing down since i had such a blast yesterday. A friend took me out, we had good food, he showed me nice places in the city, architecture, we went up on a gothic tower and i saw its roof up close and it was dark and little chilly and it was awesome. I felt like a dog on a first walk after a month inside or something. Sucks that i just really enjoy having company while eperiencing outside world so even my resolve to learn how to do things alone will not substitute for this and i dont really have anyone who would enjoy the same things i do (and this friend V lives pretty far away and we dont see each other very often anymore).

We saw a church after dark too! Have you ever seen inside of a church after dark?? We left the place CHANGED i cannot describe how beautiful it was. Man. What an evening. I need to put that in my paper journal too.

4/12/2024

feeling little sad and very autistic today. need to get run over by a steam roller for appropriate pressure that might resolve both and fix me at the moment

[walkin-alone]

feeling little sad and very autistic today. need to get run over by a steam roller for appropriate pressure that might resolve both and fix me at the moment

[walkin-alone]

actually very helpful to spend time with a coworker just recently managing her mental health. we discuss depression sometimes and come up with ways to talk about things ive stuggled to describe until now. she told me how when in a depressive episode its like if she is stuck in a stuffy dark room full of the worst thoughts she normally keeps at bay. and as a person few years ahead of her in recovery i had to agree, yea. and the room doesnt just disappear one day. you will think it did, you will forget what is inside even, thats how long you will be free of its presence, its great. but even after years, from time to time, you just sometimes wake up in that room. and it sucks but now you know there is a whole world beyond. that the room has a door and if you pat at the walls in the dark long enough you will eventually find it

im thinking about this rn as ive been outside of the room long enough to forget how its like to be inside (which might not be that long but tbh my brain loves to forget these things) and this has no real point, just a new perspective on my mental health cycle which i find interesting and helpful.

14/10/2024

[walkin-alone]

It is either an anger>overwhelm>exhaustion>depression pipeline or its just depression while all the others are just naturally occuring? I need to put myself together by morning. Wuh.

1/8/24

[walkin-alone]

sea, swallow me

[walkin-alone]

The mortifying ordeal of making a doctors appointment to resolve an issue thats been lowkey stressing me out for past 5 years.

It goes with everything really , i need to learn to do things scared and i need to learn do things alone and for myself. That is a challenge ive given myself to complete before i hit 30. Not because ill feel old by then (i wont) but because its close and i want to push myself to do this soon. I need to learn to be an adult in its individuality, not wait for anyone else to do and decide things for or with me.

This is a pretty good first step. I am risking being shunned or ridiculed by my doctor but i will go through with it to know what is wrong with me. I am taking my life in my own hands because i cannot expect anyone to do it for me (or rely on a belief that if people responsible for me in the past havent deemed something an issue, i shouldnt trust myself and my own body on that).

(08/07/2024)

[walkin-alone]

do i feel myself slipping into a depressive episode just before going on a 5 hour train trip to celebrate new years with friends (but with my best friend missing) where i will have zero control over anything and might potentially be judged to hell if i commit an emotional outburst? one wild guess. lets fucking gooo

[walkin-alone]

im saying this as i have found my way back to art since my last post and am having a good time with it again:

i hate most motivational posts to my very fucking core

anyone can draw! anyone can do math! anyone can make music, haha lmao stupid people think we dont have to work for this at all! talent doesnt exist actually...

when actually just by natural laws, different individuals will have different sets of predispositions. yes anyone can draw and do math, most of people even have to at some point of their lives, but what one person learns in a year can take 10 years of intense work for another and the results still might not be equally good in the end. and sure that person can learn to do something very well but will have to listen to pretentious fucks the whole time. and ten years is a long time to keep hearing the same bullshit from the very people who just skill wise zoom past you.

posts and videos about how anyone can do it actually just make me wish i could give up on art completely. art makes me happy but i have a skill wall i know ill never be able to cross and years of intense trying turned into years of intense burnout. if i believed that all that stands in my way is not trying hard enough i dont know what the fuck else should i do. i accepted that my pace is always gonna be slow and made peace with it but lately any time i try to learn new things this mindset is shoved instead by some rando who is like "uhh yea guys i worked really hard for whole two years and now im selling my art professionally, also remember talent doesnt exist"

[walkin-alone]

[walkin-alone]

[walkin-alone]

[2021]