walkin-alone

[walkin-alone]

actually very helpful to spend time with a coworker just recently managing her mental health. we discuss depression sometimes and come up with ways to talk about things ive stuggled to describe until now. she told me how when in a depressive episode its like if she is stuck in a stuffy dark room full of the worst thoughts she normally keeps at bay. and as a person few years ahead of her in recovery i had to agree, yea. and the room doesnt just disappear one day. you will think it did, you will forget what is inside even, thats how long you will be free of its presence, its great. but even after years, from time to time, you just sometimes wake up in that room. and it sucks but now you know there is a whole world beyond. that the room has a door and if you pat at the walls in the dark long enough you will eventually find it

im thinking about this rn as ive been outside of the room long enough to forget how its like to be inside (which might not be that long but tbh my brain loves to forget these things) and this has no real point, just a new perspective on my mental health cycle which i find interesting and helpful.

14/10/2024

[walkin-alone]

It is either an anger>overwhelm>exhaustion>depression pipeline or its just depression while all the others are just naturally occuring? I need to put myself together by morning. Wuh.

1/8/24

[walkin-alone]

sea, swallow me

[walkin-alone]

The mortifying ordeal of making a doctors appointment to resolve an issue thats been lowkey stressing me out for past 5 years.

It goes with everything really , i need to learn to do things scared and i need to learn do things alone and for myself. That is a challenge ive given myself to complete before i hit 30. Not because ill feel old by then (i wont) but because its close and i want to push myself to do this soon. I need to learn to be an adult in its individuality, not wait for anyone else to do and decide things for or with me.

This is a pretty good first step. I am risking being shunned or ridiculed by my doctor but i will go through with it to know what is wrong with me. I am taking my life in my own hands because i cannot expect anyone to do it for me (or rely on a belief that if people responsible for me in the past havent deemed something an issue, i shouldnt trust myself and my own body on that).

(08/07/2024)

[walkin-alone]

do i feel myself slipping into a depressive episode just before going on a 5 hour train trip to celebrate new years with friends (but with my best friend missing) where i will have zero control over anything and might potentially be judged to hell if i commit an emotional outburst? one wild guess. lets fucking gooo

[walkin-alone]

im saying this as i have found my way back to art since my last post and am having a good time with it again:

i hate most motivational posts to my very fucking core

anyone can draw! anyone can do math! anyone can make music, haha lmao stupid people think we dont have to work for this at all! talent doesnt exist actually...

when actually just by natural laws, different individuals will have different sets of predispositions. yes anyone can draw and do math, most of people even have to at some point of their lives, but what one person learns in a year can take 10 years of intense work for another and the results still might not be equally good in the end. and sure that person can learn to do something very well but will have to listen to pretentious fucks the whole time. and ten years is a long time to keep hearing the same bullshit from the very people who just skill wise zoom past you.

posts and videos about how anyone can do it actually just make me wish i could give up on art completely. art makes me happy but i have a skill wall i know ill never be able to cross and years of intense trying turned into years of intense burnout. if i believed that all that stands in my way is not trying hard enough i dont know what the fuck else should i do. i accepted that my pace is always gonna be slow and made peace with it but lately any time i try to learn new things this mindset is shoved instead by some rando who is like "uhh yea guys i worked really hard for whole two years and now im selling my art professionally, also remember talent doesnt exist"

[walkin-alone]

[walkin-alone]

[walkin-alone]

[2021]

[walkin-alone]

i have lost most of my means of self expression that kept me sane and miserable at the same time since i was a child. i havent been writing on regular for 10 years. it feels crazy. and when i attempt writings now im too rusty to get through it. i stopped drawing on regular few years ago too. gave up sort of. after my lack of progress made me so unhappy i was unable to function i had to distance myself and sort of give up on art to get better mentally. but now im too rusty to draw as well. and i feel such shame and regret about it, that i let myself lose the slivers of skills i might have had. and now when i want to express what i feel ive got nothing. i feel like im getting duller and duller every month, my brain getting more sluggish every day i leave work. reminds me of how my mom live with just being completely uncreative, makes me think she might not always been this way. i gave up because i knew i didnt have it in me to be good at things. now that im out of practice, i miss being only slightly below-average. at least i could make something back then. now i just get ideas to forget them unutilized because i have nothing to use them with. every time i try to practice i just want to lie down and rot. i dont know which way would be better for me but the real solution rn is to go to sleep and stop agonizing about bullshit

1/8/2023

[walkin-alone]

[walkin-alone]

I’m getting better

[walkin-alone]

Single cover “Credit” for Tony Yoru © 2022

[walkin-alone]

fucking insane how one event can change your onlook on life probably forever. its been ten years since it happened and im still convinced that if anything happens to me in public again, no stranger will help me. i dont find solace in humans being around me because it dont mean jack shit when everybody decides to look away. the guy hiding behind his newspaper will never leave my mind, the rage i feel every time i think about it, the rage and fear i felt as it was happening. maybe ill eventually get to learn another, different lesson, but when my friend told me "when i see someone with awful opinions on the internet, i imagine that they still would call me an ambulance if they found me injured in public, so they arent bad through and through", i could just smile and nod, i know they dont like it when im too negative

personally i believe more in luck than in strangers is all im saying

[walkin-alone]

[walkin-alone]

[walkin-alone]