#the level of lose it Evan Buckley would go through

[ryanguzmanscowlick]

What if Tommy’s helicopter crashes at the midseason finale and he’s airlifting Maddie at the time :)

[kinardsevan]

so i have this other au that's been floating around in my head that I might not ever write, but I wonder if anyone else has it.

basically, knowing Buck was born as a savior sibling, I get this idea similar to My Sister's Keeper. in essence, Daniel still dies, but he dies after Evan's a little older. Maybe not that much older, but old enough that he remembers the procedures that Margaret insists on to save her oldest son. Buck gets put through all the needle sticks, bone marrow draws, etc., but obviously none of it works and eventually Daniel still passes, but this really drives a wedge between Buck and his parents. Maddie becomes that much more of the person Buck relies on because Margaret was always too busy worrying about Daniel to pay attention, and Philip just wanted her to be happy so he went along with it.

Except, things still kinda pan out the same way they already did. Buck was still young enough that mostly what he remembers is spending a lot of time in hospitals, but not really why. He remembers pain, but not much more than that. Maybe he doesn't even really remember Daniel, because he was always kept away from him due to neutropenia. And then when things come out about it when Maddie is pregnant with Jee-Yun, he kinda loses it.

Ultimately, he still meets Tommy, falls in love with him, etc. But Tommy sees how skittish he is with doctors, sees the scars (both from inadvertent self-harm to get his parents attention as well as maybe some from them taking cells, etc., for Daniel. headcanoning that maybe he has one from donating part of his liver or a kidney.)

But basically, the Buckleys want to work their way back into Evan's good graces, and Tommy isn't here for it at all because he can see the ways in which they abused their privilege of being parents on the son they only wanted for parts. This would all culminate in some level of an explosion at them. Maybe through it all, Evan has his own cancer scare, and Tommy snaps about who's going to show up and be his donor when they've already used up the pieces they wanted from him.

(I literally would name the fic spare parts. I got that far in plotting it in my head.)

thoughts?

[notadamnmermaid]

Baked Alaska

Eddie Diaz likes to think he’s a good friend, when he wasn’t actively sabotaging his own life. He gets along decently with Chimney; plays cards with Hen and Karen at their standing ‘parents of teenagers’ meet ups; has a regular pool game with Bosko whenever their schedules lined up; and he enjoys pick-up basketball game days with Tommy. All of this to say, he is a pretty good guy to most people.

But here’s the thing about Eddie: he might like to think he’s a good friend, but he knows without a question that he is Buck’s best friend. So when Buck shows up at his doorstop, forlorn and scowling with a six pack of beer, of course Eddie is going to help him get over his breakup. He turns the music back up and dances, and he urges Buck up to join him. They dance and they drink and they laugh until Buck looks less like he’s going to break down.

Later that week, he helps Buck pack up the few things of Tommy’s that are left around the loft. Maddie and Chim have just dropped off Jee-Yun, so Eddie picks up the bag. He knows that Tommy should be at his station today, so he can drop it off before heading back to Buck’s baking frenzy.

“I mean yeah, Evan’s hot, but he was also, like, really just not my type.” Eddie’s ears prick up at the sound of Tommy’s voice. He’s just walked into Harbor station. He moves silently up the stairs to see Tommy holding court, his back to Eddie. Donato is there, along with Hicks and Gomez, listening to Tommy with a barely perceptible sneer that turns to malicious glee as she sees Eddie stalking up with a finger to his lips.

“But I hooked up with someone at this nightclub in WeHo last month who’s way more my speed,” Tommy continues on obliviously. “An absolute hottie and I can have a fully coherent conversation without him going off on, like, fifteen different tangents. And just the tightest little ass, like my god—“

Eddie thinks he blacked out for a few seconds, because two weeks ago, Buck and Tommy were still dating. But a month ago, Tommy did what?

What?

Here’s the thing about Eddie Diaz: he likes most people well enough, but he loves Evan Buckley, and Eddie will be damned before he lets a raggedy bitch like Tommy get away with hurting him, even retroactively.

“What the FUCK are you talking about, Kinnard?” Eddie’s emphatic voice from directly behind him prompts a jump spin from Tommy. Eddie watches his face pale with hard eyes and his jaw set. From the corner of his eye, he sees Donato take out her phone.

“Ed-Eddie,” Tommy stutters out, eyes darting across his face nervously. “What are you doing here?”

Eddie tosses the bag to the floor at his feet. “Well, I was trying to be kind to my best friend since his ex broke up with him a few days ago; I didn’t think it’d be a good idea for Buck to have to go through some bullshit handoff, when I— being his best friend and your friend— could just bring it over peacefully.

“But back to you: what the fuck did you just say? Did I just hear your bitch ass admit to cheating on my best friend? Was that what I just heard?” Eddie prowls up to the older man and pokes him hard in the chest. Tommy looks like curdled milk as he tries to back away.

“Eddie, listen, please—“

“Oh fuck that, puto,” Eddie snarls, balling his fist up into Tommy’s collar and dragging him down to eye level. “Buck is one of the best men I know, you fuckwit piece of shit coward. What, you didn’t want to tell him the truth, so you broke up with him? Said he would break your heart eventually? What a fucking joke; Buck is the kindest, sexiest, coolest person I know. You don’t deserve to have that type of goodness in your life. And he doesn’t deserve a prick like you taking advantage of him.”

Abruptly, he releases Tommy with a hard shove, completely disgusted by even the idea of being around the other man any longer. He turns and walks off, kicking the bag lightly out of the way.

“There’s all your stuff,” he calls over his shoulder, “now you can lose Buck’s number, and lose mine too for that matter.” He stops for a moment, cocks his head, and looks over his shoulder with a mean little smile.

“But thanks for getting him those Lakers tickets; I’ll make sure he has a real good time.”

When he walks back in to Buck’s apartment, strong hands push him up against the door. Eddie has half a breath to take in the fevered look in blue eyes before those same strong hands cradle his face for a kiss. His own hands move automatically, clutching at broad shoulders and fisting in curly blond hair. A moan rumbles through his chest.

They eventually part, air still being a necessity, foreheads touching. “Lucy sent me a video,” Buck murmurs, eyes wide and smiling broadly. “I’m the sexiest person you know?”

Eddie huffs out a laugh. “And the kindest, coolest, funniest, sweetest, most irritatingly beautiful man I know. Mi sol,” he declares, “Mi amor. Te amo. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize.”

They’re both smiling, tears glinting in their eyes, as they move together for another kiss, and then another, and then another. They part reluctantly as Jee-Yun starts calling for attention from the living room. Fingers laced together and sides bumping playfully, they make their way over to her.

After all, there will be time for more later.

[unhingedoveractivemuse]

Title: Favors, Dares, and Bets

Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz

Tags: Secret Relationship, Established Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz

Notes: For Flufftober #10 Bet, Game, Contest

=================================================================

Buck is not pouting.

He’s not.

“Do I have to?” he whines.

“You lost the bet last week,” Hen reminds him, giving him a look. “You owe me a favor.”

Buck groans, getting up reluctantly from his favorite spot on the couch and trudging over to the fridge to get Hen’s food. He’s so tired though. They’ve had calls all morning, including three that required the heavy search and rescue side of the job. All he wanted was to melt into the couch until the next inevitable call.

But noooooooo.

Hen just had to use the favor he owes her from the bet last week.

They didn’t use to bet with favors (they had a bet with dares at one point too, and Buck is dreading the fallout of that one), but, after Bobby pointed out how much betting was like a gambling addiction and ‘suggested’ they pick a better alternative that no one technically loses, they decided on betting reasonable favors.

He doesn’t mind the change. He only misses betting with money because winning meant a little extra to spend on Chris, but in hindsight, he didn't - and still doesn't - win enough to make money.

And it’s been working so far. Betting with favors has deterred some people from getting in on the betting pool because they're too worried about what favors they’d be giving, so the whole gambling addiction shouldn’t be much of an issue anymore.

It’s not like the favors have been bad, though. Hen and Chimney (so far) have only asked for Buck to babysit so they could have a date night with their significant others, and Buck, who loves children, had no problem doing it.

But pulling a favor from him to get food and coffee when he's already exhausted? And when his partner is in the showers and unavailable to help?

Brutal.

He’s completely dead on his feet when he manages to get Hen’s coffee just the way she likes it and her food heated up.

Just as Eddie joins them in the loft.

Perfect.

Buck brings Hen her things and immediately drops next to his partner, squishing his face into a familiar neck.

There. Much better.

“Oh, I know now!”

He doesn’t want to know what Chimney’s talking about, especially when Eddie runs a hand through Buck’s hair, lulling him into a light doze.

“Buck, I’m calling in that dare.”

”Now, Chimney? Really?” Eddie asks, and Buck feels warmth flood through him at his partner coming to his defense.

“Why not?”

”He’s tired.”

”Then he won’t think so much about it.”

”What do you want, Chim?” Buck mumbles, wanting to shut the paramedic up.

“Kiss Eddie.”

Buck freezes, slowly raising his head to look at Chimney then turning to his partner.

His boyfriend.

Not that anyone else knows…

They’ve been keeping it to themselves until they’ve got their footing with this relationship, not wanting their friends and family's commentary when it was still all so new.

Not that it feels new.

The sex, kissing, and hand-holding are new, of course, but everything else? They've been doing it all this time. Light touches, going out, soft words, etc. He's pretty sure the only reason why no one has realized yet is because they've done those gestures for years.

But it's still been amazing to explore a romantic relationship with Eddie and they've been very reluctant to pop the bubble despite the three months they've been in it.

And now…

Eddie shrugs, a silent ‘If you want’.

This would totally out them, he knows. He can't stop himself when he kisses Eddie. If he thought he knew what addiction was before, this relationship throws that out the window because his addiction to his boyfriend is on a completely different level.

But their family does need to know eventually. And this would mean he might be able to kiss Eddie at the station without worrying about outing them.

Using up the dare he owes Chim? Only the cherry on top.

So that is that then, he decides, closing the little space between them, slotting their lips together with practiced ease, immediately melting into the gesture.

And, yeah, he can't stop himself, pressing insistently until Eddie lets him in, moaning when their tongues brush against each other.

The kiss is like a shot of adrenaline to his system, and he's vibrating in joy at the reminder that he's allowed to do this like he does every time they kiss. This is them. This is it. This is his future.

An obnoxious, loud cough breaks them out of their make-out session, and they spring away from each other, flush on their faces when they remember where they are.

Okay, maybe they won't kiss at the station…

“I, uh, did not expect that,” Hen admits, gobsmacked, as Chimney just stares at them, mouth wide open.

“Sorry. We uh…” Buck tries, looking at Eddie.

“We’re together,” his partner tells them, cutting right to the chase. “Have been for three months.”

A beat.

Then another.

“Pay up,” Hen demands, holding her hand up to Chim.

“We're not betting money anymore!” Chimney protests.

“We made this bet way too long ago for that to work.”

Chimney groans. “Man, I should have gotten you to change it.”

Buck lets them go at it, dropping his head on Eddie's shoulder.

“I love you,” he murmurs, not so tired anymore with the excitement he just went through but wanting to relax against Eddie.

“I love you too, mi corazon,” his boyfriend returns, turning his head just enough to kiss Buck's cheek.

He hums, relishing the feeling of his partner next to him and the banter going on between Hen and Chimney.

This is nice.

“Wait, that dare shouldn’t count then!” Chim says suddenly.

Or not.

[bidisasterevankinard]

Angst mpreg aaaaaaaand pregnant buck series!!??!! 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 ooooooooh I’m also sat!

angst mpreg is the fic where Buck goes into labor, gives birth to healthy baby girl, but then he has complications and he's in coma. Tommy has to take care of the Sky by himslef (and with 118 fam help ofc ) and go over the fear to lose Buck. He tries to cope by telling the Sky their love story mostly about pregnancy but not only. So it's a fic where present mixed with flashbacks

snippet:

“Hey, sweetheart, it’s your godfather Eddie,” Eddie smiles, looking into the baby blue eyes. He knows they will get only darker and brighter like her daddies’. He is just interested if her eyes will be like Buck’s electric blue, or Tommy’s intense steel blue. 

Buck once gave him a long lecture about how he and his husband had different blue eyes and his daughter better take as much from him as she could because he's the one pregnant and he would ground her if she’s Tommy’s mini copy. 

Eddie chuckles from the thought, with wet eyes, “he was joking, by the way, sweetheart. Your daddy will never make you do anything you don’t want to. And will never punish you for something that just can't be your fault. He loves you anyway. The way you are. And no matter what your eyes’ color is gonna be anyway it will be perfect like you already are. Perfect little princess.” 

He strokes little round cheek, leaving a light kiss there, trying hard not to cry. He should be stronger for his friends, for Tommy, for Sky, for Buck. He should be the rock of the family right now. Because Tommy, Sky and Buck need him. Buck was protector of him and Chris for a lot of time, it’s Eddie’s time to be protector of Buck’s family. Be the best godfather ever possible. 

“I know we should have met not like that,” Eddie whispers through a lump in the throat, “your daddy and papa should have introduced you to me officially, letting me hold you after they will take you together from the hospital. But, unfortunately, your daddy's dumb luck struck again, but,” Eddie lets the most beautiful baby girl clutch his finger in a firm grip. He grins at this, kissing her hand like a true princess, “your daddy is a fighter. The strongest man I know. He will fight the hell to get back to you and your papa. And till then I will be here to make sure your papa takes care of himself. Because I know he will take the best care of you. But not of himself. I won’t let him forget about himself I promise.”

Sky brings his finger to her lips, which she has clearly inherited from Buck, and begins sucking on it.

“I guess it's your way of telling me you're hungry,” Eddie scoops her in his arms, “Let’s go make the bottle and eat, shall we, princess?

and pregnat Buck series is series of little fics where Buck is pregnat

furst fic I plan during 8x1 and bc of Gerrard Buck is close to lose the baby, but it never happends. Another part is where Buck is insecure about his body and faints bc he stopped eat as much as he should

little snippet from this (it's a draft of draft):

Tommy rushes through glass doors, running to the nurse station. "My boyfriend, Evan Buckley, was brought somewhere 30 minutes ago. He fell." "Mr. Buckley is brought to the room number 3. He's waiting for his OB Dr. Frost." "Thank you." "Evan! Baby, god i was so scared when they called me. How are you? What happened? How's the baby?" "Hi, Tommy. I'm not bad, still a little dizzy. Idk what happened. One moment I was making myself breakfast and coffee for Eddie the other I'm falling and Eddie is screaming my name. Eddie brought me here. The baby is fine. Eddie caught me so I hadn't really fall, but he still decided I need to get checked" "Good. It's good" "Buck" "Dr. Frost" "As you were almost due for your weekly check up I made them do the tests and I'm not happy with results. You fainted bc of lower hemoglobin level than you previously had and, before they put you on IV, you also had really low sugar level. And you seriously not gained weight as you should. And this all makes me … You always had perfect weight gained. Not too much, not too little, sugar lever was on point too, but now. What's wrong? You have bad morning sickness? Can't keep food down?" "No, it's - it's not. Is baby ok?" "Baby is perfect. They are growing as they should, but Buck if you can't gain weight as you should it soon would effect not just you, but your baby too. Let's not put more risk to the pregnancy and find the way to help you with keeping food down." "I-I don't have problems with keeping food down. Or craving any. I-I just" Buck sighs. "Ler me guess," Dr. Frost has warm smile "you started feel insecure about your body and how much you eat?" Buck nods. "I see. I'd ask you to talk to our therapist as we deal with phycological reason, if it's fine with you." "I'd love it, but mostly I know what caused it. Everyone around me made some comments, not even bad ones, but" "But it made you insecure" Buck nods. "Do you have therapist who can work with this with you?" "Yes, I work with my therapist for years." "Good. Then I can discharge you. And Buck, next appointment I want to see you gain everything you hadn't for this one and more to be on point, ok?"

Buck nods with a smile.

Tommy sits in front of him. "I was one of those people, right?" "Tommy, you" "I was, right?" "You was."

p.s I habe 2 more mpreg fic in plan

[kismetharborapps]

Application

OOC: name: Amy

preferred pronouns: she/her

age: 33

timezone: MST (Mountain Standard Time)

activity level: Every day. I am a teacher so some days I am drained after work. But, I will make time to log in and roleplay. It is how I de-stress myself.

triggers: No consent, bathroom play,

anything else?: Not at the moment 

Character Information: 

name: Ryder Evan Buckley

faceclaim: Oliver Stark

gender & pronouns: Cis Male, He/Him

age: 33 

birthday: September 12, 1991

place of birth: London

occupation: Firefighter at Kismet Harbor Fire Station

neighborhood: astra heights apartments

time since arriving in kismet harbor: Ryder has lived in Kismet Harbor since September 12 2000 when he moved away from home due to his home life.

filling a wanted connection?: The member who plays Benjamin Jackson (Justin) and I have plotted and decided that Ryder will be his future romantic connection.

biography: 

Ryder was born in London England to Patrick and Emily Buckley. He has an older sister and brother named Maddie and Evan. His brother gave him his middle name.

Ryder always tried to get his parent's attention. He would do anything such as falling off his bike, acting sick, or breaking a bone so that his mom and dad could comfort him, give him an ounce of attention, and spend time together.

When he was 18, Ryder felt like his life wasn’t going anywhere. That he was stuck in a rut. He decided he needed a new adventure and to find himself. Ryder packed up his bags, boarded a plane, and left.

Ryder flew across the country making memories, finding himself, and finding what occupations fit him. He lived in Ireland, South America, and Texas before landing in Kismet Harbor.

While Ryder was in Ireland, he was a bartender. He picked up tricks and trades that he uses whenever he can. He even shows off his knowledge of specialty drinks when he goes out to bars and clubs.

Ryder landed in Kismet Harbor on September 12, 2000. The second he landed, he had a sense of peace and knew that Kismet Harbor would be his forever home.

Ryder was in the Navy SEALS for a few days.  The physical exam was not a problem. The written portion was tougher for Ryder. He also wasn’t going to turn off his emotions. The SEALs wanted a robot. Someone that could go on a mission and not feel a thing. That’s not Ryder.

Ryder wears his heart on his sleeve. It is easy to determine what he’s feeling. His face will say it all. He is also very vocal and protective when it comes to those that he cares about and loves. Do not hurt those around him or he will lose his temper. He does question authority.

One day when Ryder was out for a run, he watched the local Kismet Harbor Fire Station who were dispatched to a call to save a couple. He watched the paramedics and firefighters and how they were quick, and kind and didn’t have to worry about keeping their emotions in check. He knew this was what he wanted to do with his life. Be a firefighter.

The next day, Ryder went to the local fire station and signed up for the academy. He passed with flying colors. He felt like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders finally finding his calling and his life profession.

 other: Buck Matthews Parker (tumblr.com)

pets: One Dog: Ruby and she is 3 Pin page (pinterest.com)

town activities: Compassionate Friends, elevated escapades, lgbtqia+, trivia nights

draw of luck: Yes

Thank you for taking the time to read through my application. Have a great day. 

[screwitanddoitanyway]

I posted 1,936 times in 2022

That's 16 more posts than 2021!

18 posts created (1%)

1,918 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@capseycartwright

@littlespoonevan

@clusterbuck

@sophielostandfound

@lostinabuddiehaze

I tagged 35 of my posts in 2022

#0 - 17 posts

#911 on fox - 17 posts

#buddie - 14 posts

#911 fox - 14 posts

#911onfox - 12 posts

#hart of dixie - 3 posts

#ravi panikkar - 2 posts

#evan buckley - 2 posts

#eddie díaz - 2 posts

#eddie diaz - 1 post

Longest Tag: 89 characters

#eddie talks about his son and how he feels the need to be so many things for other people

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

If " In Another Life" is a what if episode I will LOSE IT

I MEAN ABSOLUTELY LOSE MY GOD DAMN MIND

24 notes - Posted November 3, 2022

#4

dont believe everything you hear

Guess who's actually wrote a fanfic for the first time in years!

Based on this tumblr post I wrote a few weeks ago:

Also on AO3

Ravi is not an idiot.

He doesn’t feel the need to point that out often, he’s usually quite content in his level of intelligence. So maybe he isn’t the kind of smart that his best friend Taimur is. Tai is in medical school with dreams of being an oncologist and hopes to one day help kids like the two of them. Because that’s what you do when you’re a kid with cancer, you spend your weekends getting chemo and dreaming of being the one to cure cancer one day. But Ravi was never going to be a doctor, he knew that much. He always liked the idea of being a superhero, but a firefighter fit him well too.

So Ravi was not an idiot. He had a four year degree from UCLA and had made it through the fire academy. He was observant and had a good memory and spoke three languages for god’s sake. 

Yet somehow he had missed that his co-workers had in fact not gone through a divorce and shared custody of their son. IN FACT they had never been married or even been together in the first place.

In some ways he felt Buck and Eddie were to blame for this. Because really, they had to be. 

But in fact, it probably started with Lena Bosko.

Ravi liked being at the 118. He was getting on well with the rest of B shift and already learning a lot. And sometimes when his shift ran a little long, he would cross over with A shift in the dressing room. Everyone on A shift was smoking hot and stupidly competent at their jobs. Ravi had spent the day after one of his first shifts at the house google stalking and finding all the old news coverage of the team. 

Also B shift loved to gossip. So he learned very quickly that not only were A shift good at their jobs, there was also always drama following them around. But Hen always had a smile for him and Bobby would always save him some food. However he was glad to be on B shift, as the A shift all together just seemed overwhelming, and Ravi wasn’t sure how we would handle all of that.

He’s only been at the house a few weeks when he’s on shift and there is a call for a pretty big warehouse fire. A few different houses are called in and he manages to find the balance between helpful probie and learning how to deal with a big disaster from the more seasoned firefighters. 

They get the fire under control and he’s helping pack up hoses when a voice calls from behind him.

“Hey you’re with the 118!” A woman strides up to him, having seen the truck he’s next to. It’s both a statement and a question.

Ravi nods unsure how to reply, but it doesn’t matter as she carries on talking as she stops in front of him.

“How’s the Diaz and Buckley divorce going?” She asks, a small smirk on her face.

“The…w-what?” Ravi can’t help but stutter. He knows who she’s talking about. The guys on A shift are basically infamous and connected at the hip. And he has to admit he saw Firefighter Buckley working out in the gym area when he was getting ready to leave the house once, and almost walked into a wall. Ravi is only human.

“Last time I saw those two they were arguing in a grocery store about their kid” She rolls her eyes, a fond smile playing at her lips, “Those two are so much drama.”

“Well, I'm pretty new, but from what I can tell they seem to be working well together”. He shrugs. All he’s observed so far from Buckley and Diaz is that they go everywhere together, can communicate just by looking at each other, and are both ridiculously good looking. 

“Good luck navigating that” She reaches out and slaps him on the shoulder, “Better you dealing with them than me.” She smiles again and walks away. Ravi spots the name Bosko on the back of her turnout before he shakes himself and gets back to packing away. It’s been a long shift and he does not have time to process this new information right now.

It’s not long after that night that he gets moved up to A shift to help make up numbers. And learns that everything the B shift used to gossip about and what Bosko told him, suddenly makes so much more sense. Because A shift, and Eddie and Buck in particular, are So. Much. Drama.

—--------

“PROBIE!” 

Ravi drops all the books he’s holding. Partly from the fear of someone shouting at him. Partly from the fact that having a 6ft blonde hunk shouting at him is making him react in ways he doesn’t need the general public to see.

Since the revelation Bosko bestowed on him, he can’t help but monitor A shift closely now. Letting himself get dragged into gossip with the others on B and C shift. Trying to figure out what exactly made Buck and Eddie get divorced, since they still seem so close.

Is it all a front for their kid? Or to keep peace at work? When they leave do they turn into the spiteful divorced parents he’s seen on TV? He’s never even seen them so much as glare at each other.

But what he does see is interesting.

See the full post

30 notes - Posted May 22, 2022

#3

Something something Buck and Eddie sat together at the henren vow renewal looking out over their chosen family

And Eddie saying something like "here we are single again, and so much romance around us everyone is here with the person they're meant to be with"

And Buck responding something like "its nice to see them happy....but do you ever think maybe that maybe we are with the person we're meant to be with"

And Eddie all confused

And Buck continues "me and you and Christopher, we're a team, girlfriends come and go but we will always have each other"

OR

Eddie: "look at our family, all with the person they're meant to be with"

Buck: "and you've got me"

Eddie: "and I've got you" *smiles*

And they cheers and drink to it

And we spend the hiatus absolutely feral whilst the writers try to explain to us thats just how bros are

38 notes - Posted May 7, 2022

#2

LISTEN

I LOVE Ravi thinks Buck and Eddie are divorced head canons

They are simply one of the best things to come from this fandom

BUT WHAT IF

The reason he thinks that is because back when he was on B shift he was on a call and bumped into Lena Bosko and her crew

And Lena sees he's from the 118 and asks

"How's Buckley and Diaz's divorce going?"

And Ravi has a light bulb moment where he's like ok everything makes sense now and literally nothing that has happened as he moved to A shift has proven him wrong

144 notes - Posted February 22, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Enolas mum was like "honey you need other people"

So she went out and got herself a boyfriend.

Then saw how lonely her brother was and got him one too.

Good for her.

6,180 notes - Posted November 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[anaismus]

Buck and Eddie's Relationship: Is It Queerbaiting?

This is going to be a relatively long article with my thoughts on whether queerbaiting really exists on 911 and whether such a presentation of a bisexual couple harms the community.

I don't want to argue about whether this show has queerbaiting. Undoubtedly, there are some factors that correspond to this marketing technique. 

two guys raise the son of one of them

call each other best friends

don't have restrictions on personal space for each other

stare at each other like newlyweds 

It is, and no one - not one - no none can deny it. There's a chemistry between Buck and Eddie that we feel on an almost physical level. And for this, actors get aggression for queerbaiting. Although, in fact, it should be aimed at screenwriters.

But I don't wanna talk about that. I want to talk about why I don't think Buck and Eddie's relationship is queerbaiting.

There's a concept of unvoiced feelings in fanfiction, and I think it is. Let us consider in more detail the main character-forming moments from the life of guys.

This is Evan Buckley.

Evan Buckley is 26 years old. Evan Buckley loves sex. Evan Buckley wants to try to build a relationship, but starts it off the wrong way - first sex, then a phone number and a date. Evan Buckley isn't a bad guy, he simply didn’t have a parent who would teach him to communicate with women, to appreciate them. He wasn’t taught to build relationships. His examples of relationships in childhood and adolescence (when the frontal lobes are forming) are parents who are too grieving to see that their living son needs them more than the dead one. And the sister who left for her husband, and from sunny Maddie Buckley, turned into a broken Maddie Kendall. Evan Buckley doesn't know how to be in a relationship.

Then he has Abby - it seems that this is his first serious relationship. And let's be honest, he's growing as a person. He respects Abby, takes care of her and her mother, supports them, makes them laugh and is just always there. And then Abby leaves. She doesn’t even leave him, but just leaves, and for several months Buck cherishes a ghostly chance for the return of the old relationship and the happiness that they had. And then Evan Buckley gives up. But it continues to grow.

He has other girls, but none of them accepts him for who he is: with his work, character, attitude towards family, friends and himself. Of course, you cannot be completely satisfied in your partner, but immediately trying to change him for yourself - this shouldn't exist.

This is Eddie Diaz.

Eddie Diaz has a son with a form of disability. Eddie Diaz went through the war and outlived many of his acquaintances. Eddie Diaz and his disabled son were abandoned by his wife, who cut off all ties for several years. Eddie Diaz is a wonderful father who takes his son on a West Coast adventure in hopes of changing their lives.

Eddie misses Shannon. Christopher misses Shannon. And I'm sure that as a child, Chris often asked at first where his mother was and why she wasn't coming back. And every time Eddie Diaz's heart broke from the words "she doesn't love me?" or "mommy just doesn't want to see me anymore?" And Christopher asked, because at his age, children measure everything by their own measure.

And then Shannon comes back. And it's damn hard for Eddie to pretend that there weren't those years of silence from his wife. That she didn't go anywhere. His broken a few years ago heart cannot believe that if he let Shannon back into their life, she'll remain and will always be with them.

“A broken pot can still hold water” - the amazing devil “pray”

And Eddie gradually begins to trust her with himself and his son. And then they both lose Shannon for the second time. Forever and ever. And again they are left alone, although she promised to always be with them. Of course, it's not her fault that she died. But when you lose a person, at some point, grief changes to anger. "You promised not to leave me!" and so on.

Eddie Diaz has years of service in Afghanistan behind him. In civilian life, Eddie Diaz gets shot at (such horrible sounds, he heard them in the service). Eddie Diaz has taken hostage (the feeling of fear and panic is almost like when they were under siege). Eddie Diaz finds himself buried alive under 12 feet of earth while rescuing a boy his son's age because he hopes that if he isn't there, someone will save Christopher (sand gets in his mouth and eyes, just like in the Afghan desert). For three whole minutes of his life, Eddie Diaz looks at his best friend, dying from the inside, and thinks that his most beloved person in the world died during the tsunami, and he was not to save. He saved others (it turns out that he put the life of his son below the life of a stranger?). Of course, he didn't, of course Christopher survived and escaped with nightmares, but for the whole three minutes of his life Eddie thought differently and tried not to die from a broken heart.

Eddie Diaz enters Evan Buckley's life at a time when he feels like his life is falling apart. That he's not good enough for Abby to stay and let Buck make her happy. He doesn't feel like he's good enough for Abby to believe that together with Buck, they can get through everything in her life. And of course Evan Buckley is wonderful and deserves the whole world, but now he doesn't believe in it, because again he wasn't important enough to stay with him.

Evan Buckley enters Eddie Diaz's life at a moment of stress from moving and the beginning of a new life for him and his young son. Eddie begins to associate Evan Buckley with a new beginning, a new life. He bursts into the lives of both of Diaz with a burst of laughter and his brightest smile. Evan finds a common language with little Chris, becomes for him the same parental figure as Eddie is. Buck cares for and raises Christopher along with Eddie. Not so much because he has feelings for Eddie and not because he pities the disabled child. But because Evan Buckley is a good man, perhaps the best in the life of the Diaz family.

They met each other in difficult moments of their lives, experienced the most terrible trials together, and they continue to hold on to each other, because they feel boundless understanding and trust.

And it certainly started with friendship. Strong and forgiving, about which books are written, and which one can only dream of. And then it develops into something more, and it seems to me that they themselves are not understand, at some point they stop looking at each other as at a friend. That is why none of them makes an obvious first step towards.

Once again, there are no clear first steps. Perhaps for each of them, those words and moments that they create together mean the first step, but it’s too scary to openly talk about feelings.

When you like your best friend, you begin to see his every word and action romantically. Even if it wasn't meant to be. And you're scared because you're afraid to misunderstand and let yourself cross the line of friendship. But what if your friend was just acting normal, but your loving mind decided to treat the situation as if the feelings were mutual? Self-deception and false hope. What if you decide that your feelings are mutual and take the first step towards meeting, and this turns out to be a fall in love brain perception error? Friendship will be destroyed. Not immediately, of course. But tension and awkwardness will snowball until it crushes both of them. It hurts when your dearest person doesn't love you back. It hurts when you can't return the feelings of your dearest person. This is a double-edged sword, and this situation hurts everyone. Of course, your feelings may be mutual and everything will be fine, but what if not? What if the confession destroys the friendship and takes the person closest to you? Both parties will feel guilty, but no one will really be guilty.

“No one will never fight for my son as hard as you. that is what I want for him“ - s4ep13.

“There’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you“ - s3ep3.

And this means that he infinitely trusts Evan in every sense. Because Eddie trusts him with the most precious thing in his life: his son. And Evan may like to think that Eddie's attitude towards him has changed towards romance, but he is afraid that this is just an illusion. Eddie only meant what he said: Buck is his best friend, and his best friend can be trusted with everything.

Buck spends hours looking for the missing Christopher in hysterics. Dive to pain in temples and burning in lungs. He does not notice the water and how heavy the debris that he removes to find little Christopher. He screams the name of the child until his voice is hoarse, in a panic rushes to every person he meets on the ruined coast in the hope of hearing that Christopher was seen alive and well, and now Buck will be able to hug him and exhale - Christopher is alive. And every time he sees similar hair, height, clothes, he rushes to the person, praying that it was Christopher. And every time his heart breaks when it's not him. Evan rushes around the camps, forces himself to look into the black bags, but Christopher is still missing. 

Evan meets Eddie in a moment of desperation. He needs to be told that he lost Chris. That it was his fault for not keeping an eye on Eddie's baby. That Eddie lost his son to Evan. And of course Christopher is fine and after just a couple of minutes of talking he is already in the arms of his father. But Evan thought all day that Chris died because of him. The child he raised, whom he probably perceived as his son.

Of course everything is getting better. And they go through all the difficulties together, but they only unite them. And this makes the possibility of losing each other because of three words even more scary.

Eddie doesn't know how Buck looks at him when Diaz isn't looking. 

He doesn't know how Buck panics when Eddie is in danger. He doesn't know how Buck dug the ground with his hands, although he knew for sure that he could not reach the man through 12 feet of earth. He doesn't know how Evan's heart broke when he found Eddie in a ruined room in tears and panic. Eddie doesn't know how willing Evan is to die for Eddie. He doesn't know how much Evan Buckley loves him.

And Evan doesn't know how Eddie looks at him when Buck isn't looking. He doesn't know how grateful he is for Christopher's smile. Evan doesn't know how happy Eddie is to see the smile on Evan's face. Evan doesn't know how strong Eddie's belief is that he can forgive Buck for literally anything.

And Evan is trying to add a touch of romance to his words and actions. Hoping that if Eddie like him too, then Diaz will realize that Evan is in love with him and say that it's mutual. And then everything will be fine.

But Eddie, who likes Evan so much, is scared that it's just his loving mind deciding to take every smile, look, and touch in a romantic context. So Eddie just adds a touch of romance to his words and actions. Hoping that if Evan likes him too, then Buckley will realize that Eddie is in love with him and say that it is mutual. And then everything will be fine.

And this vicious circle is inextricable. They both found each other at the moment when they were alone. Therefore, I think it is incredibly scary for both of them to feel rejected, abandoned and unnecessary again. And I think that's why their relationship revolves around innuendo and doesn't move forward. It's very scary. And we've all experienced it at some point.

In addition to a completely justified fear, we should not forget this: even if it’s the 21st century, we don’t know how our environment will react to the fact that your loved one and you are of the same sex. It's one thing when your friends make gay jokes or tease you about your friend. But another thing is the fear of how they will react to the fact of the relationship, and not just a joke about them. It's the same with parents. When you make coming-out, there is a big risk of losing a good relationship with your parents. They may love you but not accept the fact that LGBT is not a disease. Just because they've been told otherwise all their lives.

I'm bisexual and asexual myself. And I'm not afraid to talk about it to friends or, if the subject comes up, to strangers in a bar. I'm not afraid of their reaction, I can stand up for myself. In addition, I quickly and painlessly cross out people I don’t like from my life. I just can't attached with people. But! I still haven't told my parents that I had relationships with girls because I know that I will lose my parents' good attitude. Of course, I know that over time they will accept me for who I am, even if they do not understand. But the months or even years it will take for them to accept - it scares me. But there are other parents who can disown their children for this.

I think Buck (even though he says he doesn't need parents) is afraid to feel like a disappointment to his mom and dad again. And Eddie is probably afraid of being judged and that they will try to "fix" him, because his family looks quite traditional (and he also has a bad relationship with his parents).

Often in movies, we are shown how characters fall in love, and this is almost always mutual. If this is not the case, then the rejected person quickly switches to another person, and now, after a couple of weeks, he deeply in love with a new person. As if there were no those months or years of torment by unexpressed feelings.

In 911, we see relationships as they are in real life: awkward, reckless, intimidating. They give an ocean of emotions, and these emotions are not always positive. In 911, we see how people face the fear of rejection every day and choose to try to live the way other people live.

It's not queerbaiting, it's a different way of looking at the situation. I love it when the characters talk openly about their feelings to each other, when the writers introduce open LGBT characters. And it's right. But we should not forget about those of us who are afraid to speak about themselves and their feelings because their environment isn't understanding enough. We must not forget the people who choose a long life of safety over a short life that can be interrupted by an aggressive man on the street at night or a religious father with anger issues. Such people need to see that their love for another person is still real feelings, their sense of calm from the person next to them and the joint upbringing of a child is still a family, and sometimes you don’t need to talk about love in order to just love.

And I'm sure that the relationship between Buck and Eddie will develop further and at some point they will become a couple, they will live together and openly talk to each other about love. In the meantime, we are shown the development of the characters in the way that the relationship of real men would develop, whose hearts have been broken a million times, and who have experienced more than a person can bear and not go crazy.

We'll get everything we want, but it takes time. So I think the characters should get all our love. And also actors should receive our love, because their acting skills are at the highest level.

And the pairing fans need to stop cyberbullying Oliver Stark because he's acting out the script, and the only ones to blame for the relationship taking so long are the show's management team.

This shouldn't exist. He is a wonderful actor and a wonderful person. No one should feel or hear that.

[midnightstar-90]

Hidden~ Eddie Diaz x Nash! Reader

A/N: I wanted to add some action, so I moved up when Shannon decided to divorce Eddie. Eddie is too good to make him into a cheater. I'm not really good at describing intimate-type stuff either.

Lose Some, Win Some

Y/N's POV

I am finally home. I'm home with my son, and the school gave me a couple of days to rest. I sat on my couch, watching the news. "Today, police suspect LAFD's 118 for robbing $300,000 worth of cash from a local bank. Police say that the LAFD was there to help the bank manager and a delivery man with a seizure or a possible nerve agent. Police also say that they found the cash inside one of their firetrucks. More information coming up, soon."

After hearing that, I remember the number on one of the firetrucks at the crash. The 118 saved me, and if they saved me, that means that Eddie and my dad are being questioned for a robbery. I haven't known Eddie long, but I know that Eddie, nor my father, would rob a bank.

Zachary walks into the room. "Mommy, I'm ready for bed," my little man says. I turn to him and say, "Ok, I'll be in there in a bit." He runs back to his room.

I hear a knock at the door. It is almost 9:30 pm. Who could be at my door? I go to the door and look through the peephole. Eddie and Christopher stand at the door with a to-go bag.

I open the door, and I say, "Eddie? Chris? what are you doing here?" "I bet you have heard about what is going on. The police have ransacked our house, and I was wondering if you could watch Chris until this blows over?" Eddie asked me desperately.

I smile at the two boys. "Sure. Chris, Zach is in his room getting ready for bed. You can go hang out with him until I get you a bed ready. His room is down the hall, the First door on the left," I tell the little boy, and then turn to Eddie.

He hands me Chris' night bag, and I joke and say, "There better not be any evidence in here." He chuckles, saying, "Nope, no evidence, just clothes, and a toothbrush."

I invite him into my apartment. He walks in and says, "Nice apartment. Is that a skylight?" He points up, at the skylight, in my living room.

(Y/N's Living room /w a skylight)

"Yeah, when Levi died, I would tell Zach that his father was watching him from the stars. So, I decided that anytime we missed Levi, we would watch the stars," I said, trying not to tear up.

Eddie reaches in his pocket and pulls out a picture. "I'm guessing this is Levi?" Eddie asks, handing me the picture. I look at the picture and lose my cool. Eddie sits me on the couch and just hugs me.

This is the closest I've ever been to a man since Levi. It felt good. I felt protected. I don't need protection because I was in the navy, but this man made me feel loved.

We sat on the couch, with me crying into his shirt. "Mommy, aren't you gonna put me to bed?" "Yeah." I get up, heading into my child's room.

Eddie follows me into the room, and what he sees shocks him.

(Zachary's bed)

Christopher is sitting on the bottom bunk of a firehouse bed. The whole room was dedicated to firefighters. When we got in that crash, and he met his grandfather, Zach decided that when he gets older, he would become a firefighter.

Christopher looks at his dad and says, "Dad, Zach said he wants to be like you and uncle Buck when he gets older."

Eddie continues to look around. He walks towards the cubby. Inside the cubby is some of Zach's favorite toys, some pictures of Levi and I, and some pictures of Zach and I. What really caught Eddie's eye, was the picture of Zach on my shoulders, at the El Paso Zoo.

I am tucking the boys in, when I hear, "You were in El Paso?" I look back and say, "Yeah, that was Zach's 2nd birthday. Levi was born in Austin, but he grew up in El Paso." Eddie just nods and goes back to looking around.

As I'm tucking Christopher in he says, "Dad and I are from El Paso. It would have been cool if we met before LA." I smile at the boy, before walking out and turning off the lights.

"We have a lot in common, you know?" Eddie tells me. I look at him and he looks back. "Oh, really?" I ask. Eddie and I move closer to each other. I continue to look at the man and I ask, "Like what?" "Well, for starters, we were both fought for our country." Imagining this man in a military uniform made the moment even hotter. I moved closer. "Ok, and?" "And, we both had a son at a young age."

At this point, he was towering over me. I quickly pulled the man into a kiss. He kisses back. I move my hands from my side to his chest, and he grabs my hips. He deepens the kiss as I move my hands from his chest to his neck. I feel strong hands go under my shirt.

We keep making out for a couple of minutes until I pull back. "I'm so sorry. I forgot you married," I say frantically. "She told me she wasn't ready. She filed for divorce. I also didn't feel like our relationship was working. She left us when Chris was little. I kinda like this hot teacher, who was in the Navy and has a son. Also, she knows about being a firefighter." Eddie tells me, holding my hands.

I kiss Eddie again. Eddie and I head to my room, without breaking the kiss. That night was the best night in forever. Everyone got a sleepover.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The robbery thing has been put behind us, but a new problem has arrived. My father didn't tell the LAFD everything about why he transferred, therefore leaving him suspended. He hasn't told me either, but I think it is best to let him come to me about it.

I started work again today, except I feel like I'm looking after 3 kids. My dad insisted that we hang out, you know since he wasn't there for most of my life.

I wake up at 5 am to a large banging noise. I look to see who it is, and surprise surprise, it is my father with tons of groceries. "Dad, what are you doing here. Zach is still asleep, and I don't have to be up till 7 am." I tell my dad, letting him in.

He heads to my kitchen and sits down the food. "I was thinking that I could make you and Zach breakfast, and then I could take you to work."

I gave my father a loving look. I feel bad that his past came back to haunt him, but maybe something good will come out of it. Besides, I missed the father/daughter bonding we had. Eddie told me his food is at grade A chef level, so why not let him cook for me.

"Well I love what you're doing, but I'm missing sleep. If it's fine with you, could I go back to sleep?" I ask, and receive a nod back. I walk to my room, but I turn back to check upon him. I know he's sad, but at this moment he looks happy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up at 7 am to a heavenly smell. I walk into the kitchen, after remembering my dad was making breakfast. As leave the hallway to see my son and father talking about firefighting. I smile, and my dad turns to face me.

"Ah, you're awake! I woke up Zach and got him dressed for you." my dad says taking a bite of the french toast. I go into the kitchen and make myself some food. I see french toast, fresh fruit, bacon, eggs, and freshly squeezed orange juice. I look amazed as I take some of everything.

My dad works up the courage to ask me a question, "I was wondering if you wanted to stop by the firehouse, like old times. I have some people I would like you to meet." With my mouth full, I say, "Yeah, I missed those days" "Oh man, mommy is breaking a rule. She is talking with her mouth full," Zach says to the man next to him.

Dad laughs. "Well I ate, but I have to get dressed." I head to my room to get dressed.

(Y/N's outfit to work)

I walk back into the living room and we get ready to head out. We make it to the school, and I say goodbye to my father. I take Zach to class. I get to the office and I see Eddie and Chris. "Hey, I was just hanging with your fire captain." "Well, can you tell him we want him back because his replacement is terrible?" I laugh.

"So, are you coming to the firehouse?" Eddie asked me like he knew my dad would ask me. I give the firefighter a suspicious look and then say, "Yeah, my dad asked me this morning. Would you like me to bring Chris?" He gives me a "yeah, sure", and then we say goodbye.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Christopher and I had so much fun. We were in math, and I helped teach him fractions with mini Kit-Kats. Then, in English, we acted out storytime with his class. The day ended in science, where we build and erupted our own volcanos.

It is the end of the day, some and of the boys waited outside for my father. When he arrived, we got in and started heading towards the fire station, which was only a 5-minute drive.

We walk into the 118's fire station, and Zach went off. A scream could be heard throughout the whole building. All the firefighters and paramedics stopped to see what was going on. My dad walked up to me and said, "Just like his mother."

Eddie and another man walked down the stairs to see what was happening. I smile at the majestic man walking towards me. We go into a hug before I hear a cough.

"Eddie, aren't you gonna introduce me to the pretty lady," the man asked Eddie. I smile at the man, but Eddie and my dad roll their eyes. My dad jumps into the conversation, "Buck, this is my daughter, Y/N, and her son, Zach. Y/N, this is Buck."

Buck and I shake hands. "My name is actually Evan Buckley, but everyone calls me Buck. You are somewhat of what Eddie has told me. Your pretty, but I expected a younger Bobby, with boobs." Eddie smacks Buck's chest.

I'm laughing and I head upstairs with the others. "Mommy! Mommy! Can I go down the fire pole," Zach asks, tugging on my pant leg? I nod my head yes.

Another man and woman walk over and sit with us in the lounge. "Why is there a little boy running around? Did someone drop him off, because I think your only supposed to do that with babies, not children," the man said, sitting right next to me. "That's my son. I'm Y/N." I hold out my hand waiting for the man to shake it. "I'm Howie, but everyone calls me Chimney. This is Hen," The man says, and the woman waves.

We continue to talk until the emergency bell rings. Everyone heads downstairs, but I pull Eddie back. I give him a long kiss, with my arms around his neck and his around my waist.

I pull back and say, "I had fun the other night. Maybe, I could see if my dad could watch the boys, and you and I could maybe have dinner at my house." Eddie groans and says, "Oh, how I would love that. We could also watch a movie."

This man will be the death of me. "Yeah, but you need to go." Eddie runs off to an emergency, I head to the store with my dad, Christopher, and Zachary.

"You know, you don't have to hide Eddie from me," He tells me. I look at him shocked. "I see the way you guys look at each other, and I saw you guys kiss today," he says calmly.

"Well, since you know could you help me make a meal for him and I tonight, and can you watch the boys?" I practically beg. He nods, and then he moves towards the isles, picking out ingredients.

"I don't want to intrude, so I will give you a recipe card. But yes, I will take the boys, just use protection. I don't want to see another grandchild for a while," he says, earning a smack on the chest from me. "There are children around," I whisper.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My dad gave me a recipe for Ravioli, served with garlic bread and bacon-wrapped asparagus. I am almost finished cooking when I hear a knock.

(Y/N's Date Outfit)

I open the door to see a devastated Eddie. I go in to hug him, and Eddie says, "She's dead. Shannon died in the emergency room. That call we left for, that was for her. What am I gonna tell Christopher."

I welcome the man in, and I sit him on the couch. "Do you want to eat?" I ask, hoping that I could get him to relax and eat. "No" is all I hear, before he shoves his face into my shoulder, and lets it all out. I rub his back and say, "Everything will be fine."

We sit there, on the couch, just cuddling. I smell something burning. My eyes widen and I yell, "My bread!"

Eddie's mind comes back to earth and he heads towards the kitchen. Not only is the bread burnt, but there was also a slight fire. Eddie quickly grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.

I was so scared. Eddie saved me from a fire. At the moment, I forgot all about the food, Eddie's emotions, and everything else. I kissed Eddie out of thankfulness. We kissed for about a minute before he pulled away.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have done that, with everything going on. I was scared. I could've just stood there and let the fire grow, but no, you saved me. You are m-" Eddie cut me off with a kiss.

Eddie picked me up and took me to my room. He laid me on my bed, and next thing you know, our clothes are off.

Taglist: @notanordinaryprincess95 @jjpogueprincess @wiypt-writes

[half-bakedboy]

it’s okay (not to be okay)

(read on ao3) 

Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rated: General Summary: “Great idea. Eddie really shouldn’t be exerting himself right now.”

“Seriously, Buck?” Eddie asked, standing up with a huff.

Buck didn’t have time to be frustrated, because Bobby was instructing him to assist with other patients and he had a job to do.

(Two jobs, if he counted protecting Eddie from himself.)

___________________________

[From: Ana]

Eddie had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital. He’s okay, but he’s struggling, Buck. I can’t get through to him, but I think you can. 

[From: Ana]

He doesn’t want anyone to know. Chris had to tell the doctor he was shot. I don’t know what to do.

[From: Ana]

He just dropped me off at my house. Maybe someone should check on him later?

Buck stared down at the messages on his phone, panic thrumming through his body with each passing moment. He ran his fingers through his hair and held in the breath he had sharply inhaled to hold back his own alarm. It was a feeling he was used to, one that he grew to absorb and hold back because he couldn’t let it interfere with his life, his job. He needed a clear head and when he didn’t have one, the panic would become too much to handle, a cross he couldn’t and wouldn’t let himself bear.

Eddie didn’t panic. Eddie was the one who didn’t make rash decisions, who thought through everything before he acted, who kept everyone else calm in each crisis the team had. His level head made him an amazing soldier, a phenomenal firefighter, an ideal father, and… well, everything Buck had ever wanted to be. 

So to say he was worried about Ana’s texts was an understatement. 

He held his phone up to his ear and when the sound of Eddie’s voice rung through the speaker, he deflated. The familiar sound of Eddie’s always professional voicemail pissed him off more than anything so he wasn’t about to give up. He dialed the other number saved into his favorites and after a few rings, rustling sounded through. 

“Buck?” Christopher asked, voice muffled with sleep. Buck checked the time on his watch and sighed. 

“I’m sorry, buddy, you go to sleep. I was just trying to reach—”

“Dad’s not gonna answer.” 

Christopher said the words so matter-of-factly that Buck felt his heartbeat speed up. 

“You think so? Why is that?” 

“He told me and Ana not to tell anyone,” Christopher began. 

Buck could hear his pout and he wanted to ruffle his hair and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but he had to convince himself of it first. Christopher could see right through him and he wasn’t willing to have the kid lose sleep over his own nerves. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” Buck promised, “but can you let me know what your dad is doing right now?” 

“He’s in bed. He didn’t even take a shower and he loves showers,” Christopher exaggerated. Buck let out a huff of laughter. 

“You’re observant, you know that?” A few moments of silence passed and even through the phone, Buck could hear Christopher’s worry. “Hey, he’s okay, right?”

“I think so.” He didn’t sound sure. 

“Well, both Ana and I are looking after him and you know who else is?” Buck asked. 

“Who?” Christopher whispered. His breathing was starting to slow, his voice sounding even more muffled as he slowly lulled himself to sleep. 

“ You . He’s okay because he has you, just like he always has, got it?” 

“Got it,” Chris agreed quietly. “Love you, Buck,” he added. 

The line went dead before Buck could say it back, but he figured Chris knew what his response would be anyway. 

___________________________

Over the next day, Buck did what he did best. He watched. He noted Eddie’s behavior. He considered the inflections of his voice, the content of his words, the way he handled himself. To any outsider, it was like nothing ever happened. 

Buck wasn’t just anyone, especially to Eddie.

He pretended not to notice Eddie’s hesitation when he was tasked with helping Chim wire the air traffic controller. He pretended that Eddie’s hand didn’t feel too heavy on his shoulder when he stood up to quickly diagnose the other man with a potential panic attack. 

He pretended he didn’t see the way Eddie’s hands trembled a little more than they usually did after a call while they made their way to the fire truck and ambulances with the victims. He pretended not to see Eddie close his eyes for a few moments and take a deep breath, in and out, calculated like it wasn’t quite second nature anymore. 

It wasn’t until they entered the emergency department that he had ammo for confrontation. 

“Hey, what was with that doctor on the way in? Why is she asking if you’re alright?” Buck asked. He played nonchalance really well but he could be proud of himself for that later. 

“It was nothing.” Buck just stared and Eddie sighed. “I wasn’t feeling well the other day, so… she checked me out.” 

“She’s a cardiologist. At a hospital,” Buck supplied. He knew Eddie didn’t think he was that stupid—or at least, he hoped. “Are you saying you had a heart attack?” Buck asked, immediately concerned that maybe he didn’t let Ana and Christopher in on the full story. 

“No, I’m not saying I had a heart attack. I’m saying the opposite,” Eddie said smugly, “I’m saying I didn’t have a heart attack.” 

“But you did think you were having a heart attack,” Buck appended. He was leading Eddie to the point, feigning dumb for the good of the situation, but Eddie wouldn’t budge. 

“Can we just drop this?” 

Before Buck could argue, Hen walked over and asked, “Guys, want us to tag you out?” Eddie agreed, but Buck felt his annoyance rise within him. He couldn’t stop himself from his next words. 

“Great idea. Eddie really shouldn’t be exerting himself right now.” 

“Seriously, Buck?” Eddie asked, standing up with a huff. 

Buck didn’t have time to be frustrated, because Bobby was instructing him to assist with other patients and he had a job to do. 

(Two jobs, if he counted protecting Eddie from himself.) 

___________________________

The front door to Eddie's apartment slammed and Buck could see the tension jerk at Eddie’s shoulders. 

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Buck questioned. 

“There wasn’t anything to tell, Buck,” Eddie said stubbornly. Buck would have smacked him if he wasn’t so worried. 

“Nothing to tell, huh?” He held up his hand and counted off his fingers as he listed off, “You had a presumed heart attack and were sent by ambulance to the hospital. Turns out it was a panic attack and when asked if there were any stressors lately, you lied to the doctor about getting shot—”

“I didn’t lie, I—”

Eddie stopped himself when Buck’s glare narrowed even further. 

“Your son had to tell the doctor that you were shot,” Buck corrected. Eddie pressed his lips together, unwilling to argue. “You almost have another panic attack on a scene and tell approximately no one only have a full-blown meltdown on a helicopter that’s hanging on by a thread in the middle of a rescue. Am I missing anything?” Buck asked, though it was clear he wasn’t looking for an answer. 

“I’m fine—” Eddie began. 

Buck waltzed up to him and grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him as hard as he could while still being aware of the bullet hole-shaped scar left behind from those few months ago. The scar that might have physically stayed on Eddie, but lingered in the back of Buck’s mind every single day. 

“You’re not fine, Eddie! You almost died and you’re sitting here like life goes on and nothing has changed.” 

“Nothing has. It was a panic attack, not another near-death experience.” 

“You say another like it’s a normal occurrence in people’s lives,” Buck exclaimed. “It’s not! It’s not normal for people to get shot and survive—not once, but twice. It’s not normal for people to just move on with their lives like they weren’t nearly ended. It’s not normal to carry on like nothing is wrong when something is fucking wrong, Eddie!” 

“Buck, you should take a step back—” 

Buck pushed himself away before Eddie’s hands could press against his shoulders, that thumbprint on his pulse that reminded both of them that they were still there. He leaned against the wall behind him, unable to hold himself up without assistance anymore, and sighed.

“You didn’t tell me,” Buck said, a whisper of admission into the air between them like a secret Buck wasn’t ready to tell. 

“I couldn’t,” Eddie muttered. 

“You couldn’t?” Buck scoffed. “You didn’t trust me? You didn’t want me to exhaust you with my worry? Give me one good reason why you couldn’t tell me!” 

“Because then it’s real, Buck, okay?!” Eddie yelled. He ran his hands through his hair before he pounded a fist against the wall beside him. It would hurt in the morning, that much was obvious by the sound that echoed through the empty room. 

“What?” Buck asked quietly. Eddie breathed deeply like he hadn’t taken in air in months. Buck wasn’t convinced he had. 

“If you don’t know, then I can forget it’s happening. I’m not reminded of that moment where the pain was so great that I couldn’t hold myself up and only trusted myself to reach out to you to pick me back up. I’m not haunted by the fact that I almost made my son an orphan for the third time in his life. If you don’t know, then I can pretend it never happened and move forward.”

“From what, Eddie? You can’t just move forward. You know that,” Buck prodded. 

“Yeah, well, I sure as hell can try .” 

They both paused, taking the moment of silence to breathe, to think, to figure out what was next. 

Eddie made the first move, walking over to where Buck had leaned back against the wall and matched his position. He pressed their shoulders together, his eyes glued to the way Buck’s chest moved up and down slowly, imitating the movement as if he wasn’t sure he would be able to do it himself. 

Buck yearned to reach out and hold him, but instead, he asked the questions that lingered on his mind. 

“When are going to let us—any of us—in? When are you going to let me help you ? When are you going to admit that you’re not okay?” 

Eddie didn’t—couldn’t—answer, but the shake in his shoulders was unmistakable.

As he slid down the wall, Buck followed his every move, wrapping an arm around his waist to ease the fall. When they landed, Eddie pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and let out a gutwrenching sob that had tears bubbling behind Buck’s eyelids. He held them back as best he could because, at that moment, nothing else could matter but Eddie. 

Cries of pain, anguish, fear, every horrible emotion that had been welling up inside of both of them burst from Eddie’s mouth and he fell into Buck for the support he extended. He clawed at the collar of Buck’s shirt, his nails raking against the skin of Buck’s chest, but nothing was as painful as the way Eddie gasped at the breaths that didn’t seem to come as quickly as he needed them to. 

Buck held Eddie’s hand to his heart so he could feel the simple rise and fall of his chest and mimic it again. His other hand grasped at the shirt of Eddie’s back to keep his panic away, his own way of anchoring himself there so he could continue to be the solid weight Eddie needed to push through. 

Every part of them was entangled and Eddie had no choice but to press his face into Buck’s neck. Buck hoped his heartbeat stayed solid enough to remind Eddie they were both still alive, even if it felt like they weren’t. 

“I’ve got you, Eds, I’m here. I won’t let you go, never.” 

It was too much to say, too easy for Eddie to read into the double entendre of his words and Buck selfishly hoped he was too lost in his own mind to realize it. 

But the words or the touch or the steady calmness Buck forced himself into seemed to ease Eddie out of the attack of emotions that surged through him. Little by little, Eddie’s sobs turned to hiccups, his tears turned to trickles, and the white-knuckled grip he had on Buck loosened but didn’t fall. He breathed in time with Buck, his heartbeat slowing to its correct rhythm, and the tremors in his body settled to occasional chills. 

“Buck?” Eddie asked, as if he barely realized what was happening inside of him. 

“I’m here,” Buck reassured. 

Eddie shook his head and when he finally glanced up, all Buck could see was the redness around his eyes and the tear stains that looked too permanent on his skin. 

“I’m not okay,” Eddie admitted— finally —before pressing his face back into Buck’s neck with a whimper like the words were painful to acknowledge out loud.

“Yeah, Eddie, I know.” 

Buck couldn’t resist kissing the top of his head and letting his lips linger for just a second too long. 

“I need your help,” Eddie said, his voice graveled with emotion.

“You’ve got it,” he promised again.

“Yeah, Buck, I know,” Eddie teased because of course, even in his darkest moment, he had to get the last word in and it had to be something full of that sarcastic barrier he protected himself with. 

Buck let him, though, because he figured Eddie knew what his response would be anyway. 

[libraryofloveletters]

Soulmates In This Life & Another

Evan Buckley x Eddie Diaz

Warnings: typical 911 level graphics, blood and injures, hospitals, mentions of praying, love confessions 

Category: angst with some fluff at the end

Word Count: 3.7k

Author’s Note: part 2 to my buddie fic!! this can be read as a standalone but for some backstory, read Just Friends // typical 911 level of graphics but a shitter description of the scene cause I’m not a firefighter and I’m lazy

----

“It was fine.” The three words would be the beginning of the downfall of their friendship in the upcoming weeks. 

A few weeks have passed since the kiss. 

They were fine, as they normally were.

Buck still regularly stopped in by the Diaz residence to see his two favourite boys and hang out with them. Eddie still had Buck babysit or drop Chris off at Buck’s place when he needed to go out or if Chris just wanted to spend the day with him- but with each day came a bit more distance. The random drop bys slowed, Eddie stopped asking Buck to babysit, and eventually, they stopped seeing each other outside of work altogether. 

Work was a completely different story. They still sat next to each other, they still talked but it wasn't the same. Eddie spent less and less time with Buck- Buck also taking the hint, kept his distance from Eddie, not wanting to upset him further. In the field, they worked together seamlessly- nonverbal exchanges, handing each other what they needed and assisting each other without question but all of that stopped the moment the truck pulled back into the station. 

Once again, station 118 had found themselves on a 24 hour shift and again, Buck is the only one still awake. He stood by the railing, looking down at the trucks parked in the station, counting the steps on the ladders as he waited for the coffee maker to be done. He thought he was by himself until he heard some tumbling in the kitchen, he turned to see Hen- halfway into the fridge looking for something. She stood, a bottle of water in her hand when she smiled at Buck. 

“Why are you moping ?” she took a sip of her water, sitting on the stool by the counter.

“I’m not moping” he says, walking back over when the coffee maker beeps.

“Okay, so why has Eddie been moping around then ?” 

“Are you trying to reverse psychology me ?” he gives her a ‘are you serious’ look.

“Would you know if I was using reverse psychology on you?” she questions the man in front of her. 

“Obviously” he trails off, she chuckles and shakes her head. “You and Eddie have been off the last few weeks, the moping around, the distance between the two of you- it’s awkward. What's going on?” she looks up at the blonde man who’s sipping on his coffee. Buck sighed- he wanted so much to confide in someone, to tell them about the kiss- about how he was in love with Eddie. 

Except, he always confided in Eddie, it was hard to turn to someone else. 

He could always go to Maddie, she would never judge him - or Bobby and Athena, they would give him advice. He knew he could turn to Hen, she’d know what to say and she’d probably tell him to follow his heart and tell Eddie how he felt. 

Buck chuckled to himself at the thought of telling Eddie that he was in love with him. Hen’s brow raised, looking at Buck in confusion. It was a bit strange that he was laughing by himself at.. nothing ? But then again, it was Buck so she didn’t think much into it. 

“Do you want to talk or?” she says, breaking his train of thought. 

“I uh- We, Eddie and I-” he paused, unsure where to go from there. 

“Evan, spit it out” 

“Did you just call me Evan ?” his mouth hung open slightly and she breathed a laugh. “Yeah, that’s not the point right now.” 

“We kissed.” Buck blurts out before he loses the courage to tell her. 

“Finally” Hen huffs, smiling at him. 

“Wait, you’re not surprised ?” 

“Buck, you’ve been drooling over Eddie since your first shift with him. I’m just surprised it didn’t happen sooner.” 

“Huh” was all the man said before walking off. 

“Yeah, good talk” Hen mumbled before turning her attention back to the book she had with her. 

--- 

40 minutes. 

That’s how long it had been since they last heard from Buck.  

He had run back into the building, even after Bobby had given him strict instructions not too but it was Buck- he never gave up. 

Eddie’s heart pounded in his chest as he stood helplessly behind the truck. Bobby radioed over for Buck, the static from the radio seemed echoed although the street was busy and full of people. It took all of Eddie not to run in there and look for Buck himself- actually he almost did, finding his way to a backdoor that was still structurally sound but Hen found him and reminded him that Christopher was waiting for his dad to come home and that Buck was more than capable of getting himself out. 

There he stood, Chimney and Hen beside him as Bobby radioed again. “Buckley, do you copy ?” Bobby waited for an answer but was met with static once again. 

The ground beneath them rumbled, Bobby looked at his team before turning to face the building. Just as the other 3 turned, they saw the entire building collapse. A 42 story hotel had been reduced to a pile of rubble. The team braced themselves as the building came down, hoping that it would come down as it once stood, in one straight pile. 

They all hoped that Buck has pulled a stupid stunt and jumped over to the next building. 

Eddie couldn’t bare the thought of losing Buck. He was the first to run towards the pile of rubble, pulling whatever he could pull and shouting for Buck. There were at least 4 other stations there, everyone started moving through, trying to find safe pathways to start the search for survivors. 

Survivor. 

That’s what Buck was to him- that, amongst other things. 

Eddie had made his way through a pile in the corner, a yellow piece of something caught his eye. He wasn't sure what it was but something in him made him think about Buck. He tugged until he got the piece out and it was a piece of Buck’s- or another firefighter’s turnout jacket. He stood there, hunched over, his hand on his chest, trying to steady his heart as all the possibilities ran through his head. 

Buck was stuck under all of this. Buck would die if they didn’t find him soon. Who was he to say that Buck was even alive? 

He pushed the heart wrenching thoughts from his mind. 

Buck is alive. Buck is alive. Buck is alive. 

Those 3 words were the only thing getting him through this. He needed to find Buck. 

Buck needed to be alive. 

Buck is alive. 

“Buck’s alive” he barely heard his radio over the chaos around him. Chimney’s voice ringing through the radio once more, Eddie let out a sigh as he heard the news this time. 

“Buck’s alive.” 

Eddie dropped everything, he didn’t mean too but Buck needed him- he needed Buck. He found the 118, Bobby stood outside of the ambulance. His hand comes up to hold Eddie back as he ran towards the ambulance. 

“Cap, move. I need to see him” “Eddie, Eddie! Hey, give them some space.” Bobby’s hand was against Eddie’s chest. His hand wrapped around Bobby’s wrist, trying to push him away to get to past him but Bobby was stronger than he looked. 

“Eddie, Buck needs all the attention he can get right now. Give them a minute to work, okay ?” 

Chimney jumps out the back of the ambulance, shutting one of the doors. “We're heading out now,” he shouts, making his way to the driver’s seat.  Eddie looks at Bobby, his head slightly tilted, his eyes silently pleading to let him go with them. Bobby reopened the door that Chim closed and nodded towards the inside. Eddie gives his captain a nod before getting in. Bobby shut the doors and hit the back as Chim pulled off. 

Eddie’s eyes trailed over Buck’s body, assessing his injuries. There was a large gash on his side that was currently covered by gauzes and he was in and out of consciousness due to the concussion he had. That was only externally, he had no idea what was going on inside- there were so many things that could be happening to Buck right now and they had no way of being completely sure until they reached the hospital. 

Hen could see the worry on Eddie’s face. Eddie was one to hold himself together but when it came to those he loved- he wore his heart on his sleeve. 

“He’s going to be okay.” She tells him- she isn't sure if those words are true but Eddie desperately needed something to cling too. 

“He's going to be okay.” Eddie repeats her words - he too, knows that those words might not be true but he tries to convince himself either way. 

The ambulance bounced as it hit a pothole. Chimney shouting a sorry from the front. The gauzes that were once taped to Buck’s side had loosened from the amount of blood that had soaked through and the pothole was the cherry on top. 

“Eddie, you’re gonna have to put pressure on it” Hen tells him, turning to reach a medical glove. By the time she turns back, Eddie’s hand is pressed to Buck’s side, his other hand holding Buck’s that laid by his side. 

Hen watched the man sitting across from her, the way his brows furrowed each time he glanced at the monitor, how his eyes glimmered with hope when Buck almost regained consciousness. Through all of the emotions, not once did Eddie’s hand shift from Buck’s side- not even an inch. 

When they arrived, Eddie and Hen moved along with the stretcher, following it inside as Hen told the nurses what his last vitals were and what injuries she has assessed so far. Eddie’s hand pressed to his friend’s side still, he silently mumbled a prayer- one he hadn’t said in a long time, hoping that his friend would pull through because he couldn't bare to lose some else. 

The nurse assured him that she was able to take him over for him, her hand ready to replace Eddie’s, yet he still walked with the stretcher. The nurse followed behind him, looking back at Hen. 

The stretcher halted in front of the OR doors, Eddie couldn't follow them in there and he knew that. “Come on,” Hen’s hand rested gently on his shoulder. 

Eddie’s heart was beating relentlessly in his chest, the fear of something happening to Buck if he leaves him was setting in but he also knew that if he didn’t step by that Buck could die right there, feet away from the OR. 

He glanced at the nurse, she nodded- her silent way of assure him once more that she’s ready when he’s ready. “Okay” he mumbles, carefully moving his hand as the nurse’s hand replaces his. 

He watched as they rolled him through the doors, he could still feel Hen’s hand on his shoulder. He walked with her back to the waiting room, Bobby and Chimney in there, Maddie too. 

All eyes were on Eddie, his hand stained red from being on Buck’s side. He hadn’t noticed until the red liquid fell from his fingertips and made little red droplets on the white floors. He walked away quietly, feeling the eyes on him until he stepped into the bathroom. 

Peeling off his turnout gear, he stepped out of it, leaving it on the floor for the moment being. The sleeve of his uniform button up was covered in blood, it had dripped down his arm. 

Discarding the shirt with his turnout gear, he stood in front of the sink, the cold water turning red as it went down the drain. He took a look at himself in the mirror. 

Parts of his face covered with dust and soot, a little drop of red on his cheek from when the gauze came loose in the ambulance, he wiped off the blood and returned to the waiting room, his gear and shirt hung on the chair beside him. He had on his regular LAFD t-shirt under all of that. 

Maddie took a seat beside him, her hand reaching for his. He didn’t say anything, he let her hold it. They both cared deeply about Buck in their own way. 

“He’s going to be okay” He tells Maddie- repeating the words Hen had told him during the ride over, he could see that she needed something to hold onto.

“He’s going to be okay” Maddie gave Eddie’s hand a small squeeze. She had been in the same waiting room countless times with the team but each time felt like the first and it didn’t get less scary either. 

--- 

Hours have gone by and only once has the doctor sent a nurse by with an update. 

“He's stable as of now.” 

As of now. 

The 3 words ringing in Eddie’s head. He knew how these things went, nothing was certain but for Buck’s sake, he hoped it was. His leg bounced, his eyes fixed on the poster about teens against drugs on the wall. 

The waiting room was almost empty, most of the team had gotten up to stretch their legs or get coffee. Bobby had stepped out to call Athena, giving her an update on Buck. Chimney and Maddie went to get some air and coffee, Hen had also stepped out for the moment, to call Karen he assumed. 

Bobby stepped back into the waiting room, Eddie still staring at the poster on the wall. He took a seat beside him. “You okay ?” he asks him quietly, not wanting to startle him- though not much scared him. 

“Yeah, fine. Did you get an update yet?” 

“No,” Bobby sighs, “Athena says she’ll be on her way with coffee and breakfast when she drops the kids off” 

Eddie hums. An announcement broke his thought, he only heard the last part- “cart to OR 3″ and his brain filled in the rest. The panic that just settled was starting to build again. Bobby noticed how Eddie’s entire demeanour changed after the announcement, his body shifted in his chair, his chest raising and falling faster than it was moments ago. 

“OR 6″ Bobby says, Eddie’s brows furrow. “What ?” 

“Buck’s in OR 6″ 

Eddie sighs. Bobby looks over at the man sitting beside him- sure they were all worried about him but no one was more worried than Eddie. 

“Eddie, can I ask you something ?” 

“Yeah, of course” 

“What's going on with you and Buck ?” 

The question hit him like a ton of bricks. Things had been less than normal between the two men, the distance after the kiss putting a strain on all the relationships in their lives. Eddie had to explain to Chris why Buck wasn't around as much and things were just awkward. 

The thought of losing Buck before he could make things right made his heart ache in the worst possible way. 

Bobby could see the way his question made Eddie stop and think. He resisted the urge to laugh but he let Eddie take a moment to figure it out. Bobby had seen the bond the two men formed since their first shift together- as long as you had eyes, you’d be able to see it too. 

From the way they looked at each other to the way they spoke about each other with glowing affection, it was hard to miss the feelings between them. 

The only person that seemed to be oblivious to this was Eddie. 

“Nothing’s going on with us” Eddie finally answers him. Bobby sighs, shaking his head. 

“Eddie, you know I don’t lecture you because I never felt the need too but I feel like I should now.” a slight frown on Eddie’s face from Bobby’s words. Bobby shifted in his seat, now facing Eddie. 

“Everyone seems to see it except you. That look you had when you saw the hotel come down- I've seen it before, on those who were waiting for someone they love to walk out but they didn’t. Why do you think you were the first to go running towards it ? Because you love him.” 

“We all love him Cap, we couldn’t just leave him there” Eddie tells him, he was unsure as to why he brought upon the fact that he loves him- they all did. 

“I understand that, but you love him.” the emphasis on the word love still didn’t connect the dots for Eddie- Bobby noticed the confusion on the man’s face. “Look at what's right in front of you, the most obvious answer is usually the right one.” he pats his shoulder before leaving Eddie to his thoughts. 

Bobby stepped out, Athena coming his way. He smiled at his wife as she approached him, his arm now over her shoulder. She leaned into his side when she saw Eddie in the waiting room. “Is he okay ?” she looks up at her husband for an answer, he hums. “Eddie’s about to realize that he's in love-” a loud ‘oh my god’ came from the waiting room, interrupting Bobby’s sentence. “Yup, there it is” 

“There’s what? I’m going to need some context here.” Athena says, still looking at the man in the waiting room. 

“He’s realized he’s in love with Buck” Bobby chuckles, “about time.” 

--- 

The sun was coming up, the curtains slightly opened in his room. Eddie had spent the night in his room, the chair in there was far too small for him as he kept drifting in and out of sleep. 

He had called Carla, letting her know that he wasn’t coming home that night. Maddie offered to stay but she deserved a proper night’s sleep in an actual bed. He promised to call her if anything changed. 

Buck stirred in his sleep, groaning as he turned. Eddie was half asleep and hadn’t noticed until he heard Buck groan. Sitting up straight, he saw Buck rolling back onto his back, “did you roll onto your side? Let me see” Eddie gets up, walking to the bedside. 

“What are you doing here?” his throat dry, a whisper was all he could manage. 

“Didn’t want you to wake up to an empty room. I spent everyone home to get some rest. Maddie said she’d be back as soon as visiting hours start.” Eddie tells him as he lifts the side of the gown to check if Buck had pulled a stitch when he rolled onto his side. Buck stayed still, feeling Eddie’s hand gently touch his side in a few spots, his fingers dragging across the edge of the gauze that was taped over what he was sure was stitches. 

“Chris ?” he asks, looking at his friend. “Home, with Carla”

“Eddie,” Buck’s hand reached for Eddie’s. 

“Buck?” his brows furrows- the typical Diaz look. Buck smiled at his expression.

“Why are you really here?” 

“I told you, I didn’t want you waking up to an empty room.” Eddie says once more, trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince Buck. 

The blonde scoffed, that was bullshit and they both knew it. “If you’re going to lie, be better at it.” 

Eddie smiled, thinking back to their kiss in the locker room. Buck had said those same words to him just moments before. Eddie's hand comes up to Buck’s face, cupping it. Eddie leans down, his eyes locking with Buck’s. The warmth Buck radiated was the only thing that filled Eddie’s head.

Things were different this time, he was completely and utterly ready to devote himself to Buck, no questions asked. 

Buck could tell him to stop and Eddie could pull away at any moment but neither did. 

Buck took in the moment, the way Eddie’s brown eyes glimmered as the sunlight hit them, the way his hand held his face like it was made to be there. His lips finally met his, the world stopped spinning and everything melted away. It was just the two of them, as it always was - but it was different. They were so different but they were made for each other.  

When Buck finally pulled away, he looked up at Eddie. The expression on his face was nothing but love- happy, relaxed, not a worry in the world. Little did Buck know but he was mirroring the exact same expression back to Eddie. 

Buck’s brows furrowed for a moment, the reality starting to flood in. Eddie could see the change in Buck. 

“What’s wrong ?” he asks him, sitting at the edge of his bed, his hand holding Buck’s. 

“Ana, is she,” he trailed off. It hurt his heart to bring it up but he couldn't knowingly get into something with Eddie if he was still with Ana because it was wrong to both himself and to her but also because it would kill him to lose Eddie to her. 

“I- uh, I ended things weeks ago” he fidgeted with his fingers, not looking up at Buck. “It didn’t seem right to lead her on when I knew I wasn’t in love with her.” 

“So are you saying what I think you’re saying ?” Buck asked, a small smile on his face. 

“What am I saying Evan ?” Eddie bit back a smile, looking at the blonde man on the bed. 

“That you’re in love with me Edmundo” 

“Ew don’t call me that” his face twisted into a look of disgust. Buck let out a loud laugh, before telling him “don’t call me Evan then.” 

The men bickered back and forth, laughing and prodding each other for the next few minutes. The room filled with laughter and love, so much so that it hurt their faces from how much they were smiling. 

“You know,”  Eddie’s hand rested on top of Buck’s, “I really do love you” 

Buck smiles, “I love you too.” 

--- 

Taglist: @dralexreid​ @mrs-dr-reid​ @ickletheficklepickle​ @yelenabelous​ 

[tails89]

No Place I'd Rather Be

Pairing: Evan Buckley x Eddie Diaz

1.5k words

Summary:

“Bucky's my favourite,” Chris declares, then pauses, a cheeky grin spreading across his face. “After you, dad.”

“He’s my favourite too.” Eddie says, gathering Chris up in a hug. “But you’re my most favourite.”

“I’m happy he gets to live with us. I hope he stays with us forever.”

Eddie stands up, stretching out his back as he rises. “Yeah, me too kiddo.”

Read on AO3 (or below)

Eddie silences the alarm that blares, sighing softly as a quiet hush settles back over the room. He’d set it with the intention of getting up early and making the most of his morning, but now that the it has actually arrived, all he wants is to curl back into the warmth at his side and go back to sleep.

He may as well enjoy it. He’s probably got ten minutes, if that, before Chris is up and crashing through the house in search of breakfast. Eddie has no idea how one kid makes so much noise and can’t wait for the teenage years everyone keeps warning him about; sometimes he thinks he wouldn’t mind a kid who sleeps in past eight AM.

Curling his arms around the warm body beside him, Eddie presses a kiss to the top of Buck’s curly head.

“You need to get up.”

“You need to get up.” Buck rolls over, pulling the quilt up over his head. “I don’t need to do anything, it’s my day off.”

Propping himself up on an elbow, Eddie drags the covers back down.

“You were the one who promised Chris a trip to the zoo,” he reminds his boyfriend. “And pancakes beforehand.”

“It’s the asscrack of dawn, Eddie,” Buck whines, squinting up at him. “The zoo doesn’t open for hours. This is inhumane. Moving in with you was a terrible mistake.”

Eddie laughs. “You can’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Right on cue he can hear the click of Chris’ crutches down the hallway. If they’re lucky, Chris will turn on the TV and they’ll get another twenty minutes before he comes begging for breakfast. A few minutes later, the sound of Chris's favourite morning cartoons echo up from the living room.

“Nope, no more sleeping,” Eddie teases, noticing Buck’s eyes have drifted shut again.

“’m not sleeping.”

“Really?” Eddie leans over pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Buck’s mouth. “Are you sure?” He trails his lips down along Buck’s jaw, smirking when Buck turns his head towards him, ducking to capture Eddie’s mouth and draw him into a long lazy kiss.

Kissing Buck was always a rush; it leaves Eddie dizzy and breathless and desperate for more. He doesn’t pull away until it feels like his lungs will burst and even then, Buck follows, pressing soft kisses into the hollow of Eddie’s throat.

“You better not be starting something you can’t finish, Diaz,” Buck whispers, his breath hot against Eddie’s skin.

“Oh, you’ll finish alright, Buckley.”

~~

They pile into Eddie’s car after breakfast, Buck and Chris chatting a mile a minute about what they want to see first and ranking their favourite zoo animals.

“—but you don’t have to see everything in order,” Buck points out. “We can go and see your favourites first.”

“But they’re all my favourites,” Chris says. “And if we start at the start we know we won’t miss anything. I want to see all the animals.”

They keep up their friendly, teasing bickering the whole way too the zoo and Buck is still trying to convince Chris to start at the otters when Eddie pulls into a parking space and cuts the engine.

Chris ultimately wins. He always does, he’s got Buck completely wrapped around his finger. Eddie’s waiting for the day Buck will have to tell his son no and stand by it—there will probably be tears, most likely from Buck. Fortunately today is not that day.

They buy their tickets and head on in, studying the map.

“Australian animals are first,” Eddie says, pointing off to the left. “It says here you can buy feed for the kangaroos.”

“Did you know koala’s can get chlamydia?” Buck says conversationally as they follow the path down towards the enclosures.

“What? No, I did not know that,” Eddie says, glancing towards Chris who has got ahead of them. “How do you know that?”

Buck shrugs. “Chris had that assignment on animals native to other countries, remember? I think I read about it then.”

“Sure, because that comes up in a fifth grade assignment,” Eddie says and Buck flushes. He’d probably fallen down the Wikipedia rabbit hole. Again. “So what else do you know about koala bears?”

“They’re not bears, dad.” Chris has stopped to wait for them at the entrance to the themed enclosure.

“Yeah, Eddie.” Buck mirrors Chris’s tone exactly. “They’re marsupials. Right, Chris?”

Chris nods enthusiastically.

“Look,” he shouts, pointing to the sign in the exhibit. “You can get photos with them. Can we? Please.”

“Yeah, buddy. Let’s do it.” Buck digs into his pocket for his wallet.

“You want to get a photo with one?” Eddie asks, incredulously. “After you just told me they all had STIs?”

“Just the wild ones,” Buck promises. He gestures for Chris to lead them onward. “Actually, it’s a massive problem, there’s just like, one place left where they’re not infected.”

“Oh.”

~~

They get a photo of the three of them crowded around the koala. The small grey animal- marsupial?- sleeps through the whole thing but Chris is ecstatic, excitedly telling Buck that they were this close to a real live Australian animal.  

He loses his mind when they feed the kangaroos and laughs at Buck who cowers behind Eddie when they come across the emus. The giant birds are behind a fence, but one of them manages to snatch the map out of Buck’s hands.

“It’s not funny,” Buck grumbles. “Those things are terrifying. Look at their eyes, they remember being dinosaurs.”

 Eddie laughs and wraps an arm around Buck's waist. “They’re flightless birds, how bad can they be?”

Buck looks Eddie, his face serious. “Look up the emu war some time Eds, and tell me if it doesn’t change your perspective a little.”

“Wait, there was an emu war?” Chris asks. “Who won?”

Buck’s lips twitch. “The emus.”

~~

By the time they’ve seen the primate exhibits Chris is getting tired, so Eddie decides it’s time to stop for lunch.

He puts Buck in charge of finding them a picnic table while he takes Chris up to order food.

“Are you having a good day, mijo?”

“Yep, it’s the best,” Chris tells him beaming. “We should come back next weekend.”

“I’m working next weekend,” Eddie reminds him as they make their way to the front of the queue. “Maybe another time?”

“Or, maybe Buck could bring me?” Chris looks up at his dad with an expression of such hope, it’s clear why Buck can never say no to him. It’s a look that makes Eddie’s heart swell with love and joy.

“You’ll have to ask him.”

There had been a small part of him that had worried that Buck moving in, becoming a more permanent fixture in their lives and taking on some of the responsibilities of living with a child, would cause some tension. The dynamic shift from fun best friend to potential step-parent was a tricky one, but Buck and Chris seemed to have both taken it in stride.

“Hey, Chris.” Eddie crouches so that he’s level with his son. “I’m really glad you like spending time with him.”

“Bucky's my favourite,” Chris declares, then pauses, a cheeky grin spreading across his face. “After you, dad.”

“He’s my favourite too,” Eddie says, gathering Chris up in a hug. “But you’re my most favourite.”

“I’m happy he gets to live with us,” Chris says. “I hope he stays with us forever.”

Eddie stands up, stretching out his back as he rises. “Yeah, me too kiddo.”

~~

They return to Buck with a tray loaded up with burgers and fries and drinks. He’s found a table for them in a shady spot overlooking the giraffes, and he waves them over when he spots them.

After lunch they carry on, taking the park train around to the big cats, arriving just in time to watch the talk about tigers.

Chris gets chosen as a volunteer to hold a chicken wing with a pair of tongs through the fence. The zoo keeper helps him hold it steady while Buck and Eddie take a hundred photos of his beaming smile.

It’s getting late by the time they make their way back to the entrance of the zoo. Chris is exhausted so Buck gives him a piggyback ride towards the gift shop, while Eddie follows carrying Chris’s crutches.

“Don’t forget the photo, Dad,” Chris shouts as they’re about to head out the exit.  He nudges Buck to turn around but Eddie waves at them to keep going.

“You guys wait outside; I’ll go grab it.”

He turns back towards the counter and waits while the attendant searches the computer for the photo.

“Here it is.” She brings it up on the screen so Eddie can see. “You’ve already paid for one copy, you want any more?”

Eddie ends up purchasing a second copy, thinking it might be something his abuela would like.

“Here.” The girl hands over the packet with their photos. “You have an adorable family.”

Eddie glances down at the photo then across towards the exit. He can see Buck and Chris sitting just outside. Chris is telling a story, his hands gesturing wildly as he talks and Buck is laughing along loudly.

“Yeah, I do.”

[buckleysjareau]

maddie and evan against the world

this is something i wrote for buckley siblings week that i never ended up posting, but i’ve been in a writing slump lately but i want to post something so here’s some sad pre-canon buckley siblings!

trigger warnings; implied/referenced domestic abuse, suicidal thoughts, description of a depressive episode, mentions of child death... i think that’s it, if i missed anything let me know!

Growing up, Maddie had mastered the art of doing everything quietly. Sneaking in, sneaking out, standing outside her parents’ door as they fought over the bills and how are we going to pay for this IVF, Margaret?

Quiet crying, quiet talking, quiet everything.

It’s a skill that comes in handy once she’s out of the house, carries her through nursing school and Doug’s accusations of cheating when her shift runs late and she’s not home at the exact minute Doug expects her to be home. It carried her all the way back to Hershey where if she even made the slightest sound, she’d end up with bruises scattered in places he knew were easy coverage.

She had to be quiet to survive her parents, but she has to be absolutely silent to survive her husband.

Her body aches and her eyes burn as she stiffly lays beside her husband, silently crying as the last two hours replay in her head. Doug’s hand tightening little by little around her neck the angrier he got, screams of rage echoing around the room that she didn’t put away the corkscrew.

You never learn! It’s not my job to clean up after you, Maddie. That’s the woman’s job. Do you see what you make me do to you? I don’t want to hurt you, Maddie, but you never learn.

Her phone lighting up on her bedside table—set to silent, thank god—pulls her out of her own head.

Evan’s smiling face is staring right back at her and it causes more tears to fall before she squints to read the time. Why was her brother calling her at two in the morning? Her heart drops to her stomach as she thinks the worst.

Evan

Missed call

Evan

Voicemail

Swallowing the fear in the form of a lump in her throat, she glances at Doug, counts his breaths to make sure he’s in a deep sleep and slips out of bed without making too much movement. She grabs her phone, makes sure to avoid the part of their bedroom floor that creaks and lets out a sigh of relief once she’s made it to the bathroom.

She doesn’t know what she’s expecting of his voicemail but she’s not even two seconds into listening to it and her heart breaks at the gut wrenching sob he lets out.

“I need you,” Evan all but pleads. “I can’t–I can’t do it anymore. Everything is too much and I’m not enough, and I miss you, Maddie, I miss you. I need you, Mads. I–I wish I wasn’t alive. It’s all too much.”

Maddie has to put her arm over mouth to stifle the sob that’s ripped from her throat. She tenses, scared the noise would wake Doug up. Once she’s in the clear, she opens her texts and sends up a thank you to whatever higher power there is that Evan still has his location on.

I’m on my way.

She sends out the text and starts her descent down the stairs, walking on her tiptoes to make sure she doesn’t get busted before she has the chance to get to her brother.

She slides on a random pair of shoes by the door, grabs the keys to her Jeep, and before she knows it she’s on the road, following the directions given from Find My iPhone.

I can’t–I can’t do it anymore.

I need you, Mads.

I–I wish I wasn’t alive.

Everything is too much and I’m not enough.

The voicemail keeps replaying in her head and the guilt of ever leaving him grabs a hold of her throat and she can’t breathe through it.

He has to be okay. He’s going to be okay. She’s gonna be there for him like she should have been before.

It’s snowing when she reaches Penn State. In itself, it’s not a shock that it’s snowing in Central Pennsylvania in the middle of December. What is a shock, though, is that her brother is out in the middle of it in only basketball shorts and a Penn State hoodie.

“Evan!” Maddie shouts once she’s parked and out of her car.

Evan spins around at the sound of her voice and the way his face just crumbles is something she would probably never forget.

“You came.” He chokes on a sob, seemingly desperate to maintain some level of okay but it’s plain to see, he was anything but.

Maddie does nothing to stop the tears that steadily stream down her face. Instead, she reaches up to cup her brother’s face and wipes away a few tears that fall. “I’ll always come when you need me.”

The invisible thread that seemed to be holding her brother together and upright breaks from the power of the storm raging inside of him and he collapses into her arms and falls apart.

Her brother has definitely grown since the last time he’d fallen apart in her arms when he was fourteen and terrified of his sexuality. She tries to hold him up and comfort him for as long as she can but the bruises on her back ache and she can only carry so much of his weight.

She clears her throat and fights back a wince. “Hey Ev, why don’t we get in the Jeep, out of this cold, yeah? You’ll feel better in the heat.”

Hiccuping and borderline hyperventilating, Evan can only nod.

The second Evan is in the passenger’s seat, he pulls his legs up close to his chest and rests his head on his knees. He looks small, which is not an adjective Maddie would use on her brother nowadays given his 6’2 frame and the muscles he gained as Quarterback.

Maddie gives herself a minute to calm down before she drives the four miles to the twenty-four hour diner her parents had taken her to eat after she toured Penn State ten years before.

“C’mon, let’s get you some chamomile tea and some food in you.”

Evan sniffles and Maddie is reminded of her five year old brother learning how to ride a bike. Daniel’s bike, she can’t help the heartbroken feeling in her chest at the thought of her older brother she never got to mourn.

Once they’re seated with hot beverages to keep them warm—and in Evan’s case, calm— Maddie breaks the silence.

“What’s going on, Evan? What happened?” She asks, resting her hand on top of his.

He doesn’t answer right away. Instead, he fidgets with the utensils on the table and rolls up the paper from the straws. Maddie doesn’t rush him, she knows not to. She knows he’ll talk on his own time.

“I–Maddie, I’m not–”

“Take your time.”

Evan meets her eyes, closes his own and then looks down. “I’m not okay, Mads. I haven’t been for a long time a–and it’s gotten so bad I can’t get myself out of bed. I’m on academic probation, if I can’t get my grades up–” Evan’s voice cracks and so does Maddie’s heart. “I’m gonna get kicked out of school, and I–I don’t– I can’t face mom and dad if that happens and I try, Mads, I try so hard to get myself together again but I feel like my body isn’t attached to itself a lot, and I lose time, and I’m just a waste of space anyway– fuck, I want to die, I don’t want to be alive right now and I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

Maddie is on his side of the booth and instantly pulls him in. Evan lays his head on her shoulder as Maddie runs her hand through his unruly curls much like she used to when Buck was young and tiny. The position is a bit awkward but neither want to leave the comfort of each other’s arms long enough to adjust their positions.

“It’s okay, Ev, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out, okay? We’ll figure it out together, I promise. We’ll get you help.”

Evan lets out a sound Maddie could only describe as wail. His whole body is shaking with the force of his cries but, without lifting his head or moving anything else, he holds out his pinky.

Maddie half laughs, half cries and links it with his.

Maddie and Evan against the world.

Ten years later, when Chimney shakes her awake and tells her Buck needs her after receiving a similar call, she doesn’t have to worry about walking on eggshells just to be there for her brother.

Ten years later, when Buck hits that low point and feels like he has no one, Maddie is there to show him that’s not true. He had her. She had him.

They always had each other.

[potterbite]

i can only be me with you

After one of Buck’s heroics spreads all over the news, Eddie finally sees what happened above ground when he was trapped almost a year before. 

On AO3.

As Buck and the team hops out of the firetruck, the rest of the station starts applauding; some are early for their shift that’s about to start, others preparing to head home. About twelve of fifteen people are just standing there, grinning at Buck.

“What - ?” Buck begins, looking to the others for some confirmation that they know what this is about. However, they all seem just as confused as he feels.

As the applauds die down, Bobby speaks up.

“What was that about?”

One of the women on the upcoming shift grins. “It’s gone viral.”

“What has?”

“The video from earlier today of Buck jumping out of that window to save the little girl.”

Oh. 

At this, Hen and Chim laugh while Eddie gives him a nudge on the shoulder, muttering, “Now you’re just like Firefox.”

-----

The thing is, it’s not like he had the time to think it through before jumping out of the window on the eight floor; it was all instinct, seeing that little girl fall through it with nobody else close by to help her. But on some level, he knew he still had the harness around his middle and he trusted his team enough to fully believe they would catch that rope before it was too late.

So he flew through the crashed window barely two seconds after the screaming five year old and caught her around the waist; she was so stunned she paused her screaming. They came to an abrupt stop at the fourth floor, hanging like a couple of ragdolls, and he could’ve sworn he heard someone from up above swear loudly in spanish. 

But it’s not like he thought that someone might be filming it all and uploading it to every social media plattform known to mankind or that it would be on all the big news channels less than six hours later. 

He won’t lie, he kind of likes it. But he’s still exhausted by the time he pulls the key out of the ignition in the driveway. He leans his head back and closes his eyes; his phone is finally quiet, blissfully so, after ringing every three minutes since he finished work four hours ago. Granted, he did turn off sound and vibration so the quiet might be thanks to that but he doesn’t dare to look and check for number of missed calls in the last thirty minutes.

A rapt knock on the driver window makes him jump, the top of his head hitting the roof of the car with a thump and his legs slamming into the steering wheel.  

He curses in pain, but still hears the muffled laughter; he flips the other person off. 

“Nice one,” Eddie comments as he opens the car door. Buck just grunts in response, shaking his legs a couple of times as he climbs out. 

“Don’t sneak up on a person like that.”

Eddie raises both eyebrows. “You’re sitting in my driveway. Chris heard you and wanted me to check you weren’t a murderer.”

Buck grins at this. “And he made you go alone?”

“I didn’t say it was logical. Now come on, dinner is almost ready.”

At least three or four times a week, Buck goes over to the Diaz house for dinner and to hang out with two of his favorite people. Also, ever since Eddie broke it off with Ana a few weeks back, Buck’s been afraid that Eddie might feel lonely. Whenever he asks about her though, Eddie doesn’t say much about the break up, only that it had been amicable and then he always gets this tinge of red on his cheeks that Buck absolutely does not find cute. 

“Hey kiddo!” Buck calls out as they enter the house through the kitchen door.

“Bucky! You’re on TV,” Chris replies and Buck sighs, standing next to Eddie by the counter. 

“I can’t look at that shit anymore,” he murmurs and the other man smirks.

“Not all it’s cracked up to be, being a celebrity?”

“I - “ 

“Bucky! Come see, they’re showing when you tried to save Dad, too,” Chris calls and well, Buck isn’t sure but it would seem his entire stomach flips at these words. 

Eddie goes still, a frown on his face. “What’s he talking about?”

Buck will absolutely not blush. “Probably just heard him wrong.”

“Dad! It’s really cool when Bucky screams like that, come see!”

Buck straightens. “He really shouldn’t be allowed to watch the news by himself, I’ll go put a movie on.”

He takes big strides towards the living room, but before he makes it all the way Eddie swishes past him as if he’s got wings. Eddie picks up the remote and rewinds a couple of minutes. And honestly, for a man claiming he hates technology, Eddie really loves that smartTV, even though he didn���t even know he could rewind until Buck showed him (something he regrets now). 

It’s not like Buck is ashamed of how he reacted that day when the ground collapsed on top of Eddie. Not really. It’s more that it feels like a pandora’s box he’s only ever opened on that day and he’s now deathly afraid of what will happen when he peeks under the lid again. 

But what can he do except stand there behind the couch next to Eddie and watch as the other man finds the right moment and press play? 

“Yes! Let’s watch it over and over again,” Chris claps. Buck ruffles a hand over his hair in response and the boy giggles.

“When was - ?” Eddie starts, but then he seems to recognize the farm. “Oh.”

In silence, they listen to the news anchor saying what a good guy Evan Buckley is and how he lost it when one of his own team members went under. There’s a drone shot from the moment of the collapse. A close-up on Buck’s face as he screams, and Bobby scooping him up.

Buck had known there were news teams there, of course, but he hadn’t realized they’d gotten him on camera as well. He’d ignored all reports from that day, preferring to not think about all the thousand things that could’ve gone wrong, so he’s never seen this before. But obviously, Eddie hasn’t either given the way he stares open mouthed at the screen. 

When he turns his head to look at Buck, Buck just shrugs sheepishly at him.

“That was so cool, right dad?” Chris grins, and Buck sees Eddie’s face soften. 

“Yeah, it was.” He looks up and meets Buck’s eyes for the fraction of a second and there’s another jolt in Buck’s stomach. “Time for dinner.”

-----

They don’t talk about what they saw on the news for the entire dinner or during the movie. 

Well, Chris does bring it up one time when he turns to Buck and asks, “Would you scream like that if I disappeared too?” with honesty only a child can muster. Buck doesn’t really know what to say to this so he grins and promises that he sure would. 

But even though Eddie acts normal, Buck can feel it in the air or when their eyes meet. It’s as if Eddie is screaming to say something but doesn’t want to in front of his son. Buck has no idea what that would be, because there’s no way Eddie could tell from those fast glimpses what really went on inside his head. The repeated mantra of ‘not him, not him, not him’ was not seen in his eyes, he’s sure of that.

If it were, Eddie would’ve caught on earlier. Maybe when he, Eddie, started dating Ana. Or when he broke it off with her. That fire inside of Buck’s soul dimming and glowing stronger was not visible through his eyes, because that would mean he’d lose his best friend. And that was not an option. 

But he’s still nervous when it’s time for Chris to sleep; is this the last time he’ll say goodnight to Chris like this? So when the boy takes Buck’s hand and says, “Can you do it instead of Dad?” he does. Eddie stays in the doorway to Chris’ room, silently watching as Buck tucks the boy in. 

“Buck?” Chris whispers so quietly Buck has to lean forward to hear.

“Yeah?” he whispers back.

Chris reaches for Buck’s face and moves it so he can whisper the words right by his ear. “I think he loves you, too.”

Buck blushes, straightening a bit. “Um, thanks buddy,” he replies, his voice still barely a whisper. He sneaks a glance at Eddie, who thankfully doesn’t appear to have heard the silent conversation. Then louder he adds, “Sleepy time.”

Chris nods happily, and has fallen asleep within three minutes of Buck reading his favorite book. 

As he stands up to leave the room, Eddie enters to give Chris a kiss on the forehead. Buck stays in the living room, not sure if he should take his opportunity to leave or just get this over with so he’ll know if their friendship is ruined or not.  

Before he has made up his mind, Eddie comes out and closes the door behind him. Buck opens his mouth to say something, anything, when Eddie meets his eyes and Buck sucks in a breath. 

“I’ve never seen that before,” Eddie says. Buck doesn’t even question what ‘that’ is, since he can only be talking about the video of Buck screaming at the top of his lungs. 

“No,” Buck says stupidly. “I suppose not.”

“I wish I had though.”

“Oh?” Buck isn’t at all sure where this conversation is going, but for some reason Eddie keeps moving closer to him, so he has no choice but to lean against the wall. 

“Yeah.” Almost chest to chest.

Buck licks his lips and swallows. His stomach does another flip then, because Eddie most certainly followed that movement with his eyes. 

“Why?” Buck asks even though he has difficulties concentrating when all he can think about is if Eddie can feel the beating of his heart when their chests are touching like this. 

“‘cause we could’ve done this much sooner,” he replies and surges up for a kiss. 

Buck gasps, and he can feel the smirk against his own lips. So as soon as his brain has caught up with what’s happening, he pushes off from the wall and flips them as some kind of revenge. He presses Eddie against it instead which makes him groans, and as his lips open Buck takes advantage of that and sneaks inside. 

As they battle together and Eddie’s fingers caress his neck, Buck nudges his thigh in between Eddie’s legs and gets another groan in appreciation; Buck savors that vibration as if he’s starving. 

He feels as if they should slow down, talk about what’s happening, why neither of them has said anything and what’s going to happen next. But then Eddie bites gently in his lower lip, making him moan and Eddie swallows the sound greedily. 

As if it’s the most natural thing in the entire world, he starts to back Eddie into the master bedroom, closing the door with his foot once they are inside.

What the hell, they can talk tomorrow instead. 

[tripleaxeldiaz]

maybe one day i’ll fly next to you

chapter 5/8

read on ao3

start from the beginning

The Final is a big deal. Even more so this year since it’s the last international competition before the Olympics — the last chance to show the world that you’re worthy of their attention come February. Buck’s been to five of the last eight Finals, and usually all the extra attention from press and fans, even during non-Olympic seasons, make him giddy with excitement, adrenaline pumping through him for almost a solid week before he actually competes.

This time, however, it’s been a week of feeling like he’s going to throw up any second.

It’s not because he’s doing bad at practices — in fact, he’s feeling better than ever, even got to work out his shaky landing on his quad flip that’s been haunting him for weeks. Ice looks the same no matter where you are, so it’s easy for him to get lost in the two hours he’s out there and forget everything and everyone else around him while he works.

When he steps off the ice, though, he’s thrust right back into a world where everyone is keeping an eye on him, watching him to see if he’ll live up to the expectations of being one of the best US skaters a top Olympic hopeful, or if he’ll crumble under the pressure of trying to be the best but always falling a little bit short, especially since the last Games. He’s always viewed it as a redemption — overcoming his injury and clawing his way back to the top — but he can’t control how outsiders view it, has no idea if they feel the same way or have counted him out all together. ESPN can do as many pieces on him as they want, but they can’t guarantee that people are still rooting for him. He’s sure people are talking about him, but he’s steered clear of social media knowing that even if there are nice things about him floating around, it’ll still make him feel worse, crushed by more and more expectations that he’s still not sure he’s going to live up to.

He misses when all that attention would make him feel like he was invincible. 

The biggest thing keeping him sane — despite the 6,000 miles between LA and Turin — is Eddie. They’d seen each other plenty before Buck left, Eddie still coming to the rink every day for PT and light workouts so he could stay in shape while he recovered. It was good, it was normal, even if Eddie wasn’t skating. 

But the night before his flight to Italy, the prospect of being at one of the most important competitions of the season, of his life, without most of his other teammates had hit him hard once again, sucking all the air out of his lungs and making the room spin. 

He called Eddie without even thinking and barely heard him say “Hello?” before he was spilling everything, letting out all the fears and worries he had been trying to keep under control since Bobby told him he was going to the Final. Despite being caught very off guard at 12:30 in the morning, Eddie had listened to it all — really listened, Buck could tell even over the phone. He sympathized with his fears and doubts and didn’t try to downplay them with empty platitudes. And somehow, in those frantic moments, to be heard like that was enough. Enough for the worries in Buck’s head to quiet down and retreat back into the shadows, enough for him to finally be able to breathe. They kept talking afterwards, the smooth timbre of Eddie’s voice making his eyes feel heavier and heavier, until they close and open again to sunlight filtering into his room, his phone on the pillow next to him with a disconnected call and a text that says You’re going to be amazing. Call me whenever you need me.

Buck didn’t think he’d take Eddie up on that, but he’s called him every day since he arrived and every time, no matter what time it is, Eddie picks up and listens to him.

On the last day of practice before short programs, dread settles heavy in Buck’s stomach and doesn’t get any lighter as the day wears on. He skates at the practice rink until his fingers feel numb with cold, and works out after even longer, blasting music in his headphones so he’s not alone with his thoughts for too long. He’s exhausted when he gets back to his room, the quiet that’s become so unfamiliar mixing with the dread and weighing down Buck’s entire body, feeling like it’s trying to push him straight down into the earth. Sinking onto the bed, he dials Eddie’s number.

Five rings, and no answer. He tries again. Nothing.

He tosses his phone to the side and sighs. The dread had lightened ever so slightly at the mere prospect of getting to talk to Eddie, but now it’s back in full force. If he lays here for too long, he’s worried he might melt right into the bedspread.

There’s a knock at the door, and takes every ounce of mental and physical strength he has to get him up. He has a brief, delusional thought that maybe the person on the other side of the door is the same one who didn’t answer his phone, but it’s quickly squashed when there’s another knock, followed by a voice that’s definitely not Eddie’s.

“Buck? I know you’re in there, and I can get my hands on a master key if you don’t let me in right now.”

Hen. 

He opens the door quickly, because he thinks she’s bluffing, but there’s also a very real chance that she’s not. He stands at his full height, pushing back against the dread, and plasters on a smile. “Don’t tell me you have notes 12 hours before the competition starts?”

She looks him up and down, looks through him it seems, judging by the way he suddenly wants to curl in on himself, hide whatever it is she’s looking for. She finds it, he guesses, because she nods decisively and pushes into his room. She grabs his still packed skating bag from the foot of the bed and tosses him his jacket as she goes back into the hallway.

“Come on,” she calls over her shoulder. “We’re going for a drive.”

It takes a minute for Buck’s brain to catch up with everything, but when it does, he hustles to meet her at the elevators. They make their way to the parking lot next to the hotel, where Hen unlocks the Fiat Bobby had rented for the week to get them around. “Bobby’s cool with you taking the car?”

She shrugs. “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt me.”

“So I’m basically being kidnapped right now.”

“You would’ve stayed in your room if you really didn’t want to come.”

He smiles a real smile at that — she knows him too well.

Turin is beautiful at night. The city bustles with energy as people mill around, window shopping and filling up tables outside of cafes despite the early December chill. Christmas decorations have already been hung in windows and strung over rooftops, thousands of lights washing the streets in twinkling colors. Buck lets his eyes relax as he stares out the window, losing himself in the colors that pass by, hoping they’ll burn the heaviness right out of him. They stop outside the Palavela, standing out in its shadowy height among the brightness, decked out in ISU flags in anticipation for the start of competition tomorrow. Hen turns off the car and gets out, walking into the shadows of the arena and almost disappearing before Buck catches up. They make their way to the service entrance at the back of the building, where Hen pulls a key out of her coat pocket and unlocks the door.

Buck’s jaw drops. “I believed you about the hotel, but how did you get a key to this place?”

“A lot of people owe me a lot of favors,” she says, leading the way through the back hallways. 

It occurs to Buck that he doesn’t even know why they’re here, didn’t bother to ask, but regardless, he follows her deeper into the belly of the building. Hallways twist and turn as they follow them seemingly at random, until they finally make it to a set of double doors. Hen pushes them open, and Buck has a moment of panic when he sees what’s on the other side.

“Isn’t it bad luck to see the main rink the day before a competition?”

Hen rolls her eyes and walks inside. “You’re not getting married, Buck. And we’re not just here for the ice.” She keeps moving, up into the stands and further up the stairs to the mid-level walkway. It’s a former Olympic venue, so there’s thousands and thousands of seats, and the reminder that in a few short hours, they’ll be filled with people waiting to see Buck thrive or fail spectacularly weighs him down even more, coming down on his shoulders and threatening to make him stumble. He does stumble when he runs into Hen, who’s stopped dead center of the walkway, eyes warm and bright as she nods towards the other side of the rink.

Tears swim into his vision, but not because of shot nerves or worry this time (though those may be contributing to how quickly this is making him emotional).

Fans bring posters to events all the time — beautiful, handmade posters emblazoned with flags and encouraging quotes, showing their love for their favorite skaters and teams. They’re made of cardboard or printed on fabric, but are usually small, hard to see unless you’re watching on TV or very close to the boards. Sometimes, though — with special permission from the venue, usually — they go big, creating huge tarps that get hung up on the banisters surrounding the seats and stay there all week, loudly cheering for their favorites even when they may not be in the stands.

Which is exactly what Buck comes face to face with — two banners hung across part of the middle banister, covering at least 15 seats. One has a picture of him from Autumn Classic, smiling with his gold medal, with “Go Buck Go!” in big block letters over his head, all on a deep red background and surrounded by golden fireworks. The other — the one that really takes his breath away — is a collage of pictures from his programs over the years, some of his more memorable spins and poses emblazoned across the dark blue fabric. His final pose from his short this season, reaching toward the crowd and looking off into the distance, is featured most prominently, with an ornate script next to it that reads “Evan Buckley: Future Olympic Champion”.

He grips the railing a little tighter to keep himself steady, feels Hen’s hand rubbing up and down his back.

“How—” he starts, voice a little raw.

“Bobby and I saw them when we came by earlier to get our credentials. We think someone hung them up after the short dance today so they’d be ready for tomorrow.”

“Wow,” is all Buck can manage. He’s seen his face on plenty of posters, but never like this, never something that he could see from anywhere in the arena, loudly proclaiming that there are fans in his corner, people beyond himself and his sister that see him at the top of the Olympic podium. He knows they're out there, rationally, when he’s not riddled with nerves and self doubt, but still. It’s nice to be reminded. And what a reminder this is.

“I know it’s been a rough week for you,” Hen says quietly, hand still on his back. “But just...take this in. Let it push you through the next few months. They’re rooting for you, Buck. We all are. You’ve got to keep rooting for yourself too.”

As usual, she’s right — Buck went into this season as his own biggest fan, with one goal in mind that felt like it had been slipping farther and farther away with every fall and every less than perfect score. That drive to win gold becoming more and more desperate as the weeks wore on — like if he didn’t get back to where he should be, where he needed to be, he might not survive. But he has people — his team, his family, and fans like this — who are still envisioning that success for him, who believe in him no matter what. Who will still be in his corner even if he doesn’t make it to the top. Who he wants to prove right for believing in him.

Hen pats his back one last time and heads back down the stairs. Buck lingers a little longer, taking in every detail of the banners that he can, since he won’t be able to appreciate them properly tomorrow. He sneaks a few pictures on his phone, quickly shooting them off to Maddie and Eddie. It doesn’t feel like bragging — they’re at the very top of the list of people that have constantly pulled him up when he falls down the hardest. He knows they’ll appreciate this for him, just like Hen did. They’ll understand how much this means to him.

As he follows Hen’s path down the stairs, the heaviness he had convinced himself was etched into his bones feels like it stays behind, making it easier to breathe, easier to be.

Hen’s next to the boards holding his skates out to him. “You’ve got like 30 minutes — skate it out. I’ll stand watch by the door.” He takes them and sets them on the bench before enveloping her in a hug, rocking back and forth as she laughs into his shoulder. She ruffles his hair and pats his cheek before going to her post.

He feels at peace on the ice, finally. The cold isn’t harsh, it’s invigorating. The fluorescent lights aren’t too bright, they’re comforting, lighting up the grooves and divots of the ice, showing all the paths Buck can follow. A couple of laps gets his blood pumping, roaring in his ears and blocking out everything else. He starts with some easy steps — rockers and three turns, over and over like he did in skating lessons when he was a kid, losing himself in the repetition. When he feels good, really good, he goes for a quad flip, confidence flowing into every stroke as he gets in position. He takes off, and he feels light again — right again — like he’s flying, not falling, not sinking.

Figuratively and literally rising.

~~~~~~~~~~

There’s two missed calls from Eddie when he gets back to his room, and still riding the high of his good mood, he FaceTimes him. 

“Wow, I really missed that smile,” Eddie says when the call connects, and Buck rolls his eyes, not even bothering to hide the blush he can feel warm his cheeks. Eddie must have just gotten back from PT — his hair is falling in swoops over his forehead, damp with sweat, his tank top sticking to what little Buck can see of his chest. His blush gets a couple of shades darker, he’s sure, as he tries not to let his eyes linger anywhere for too long.

Buck flops onto the bed on his back, holding his phone in front of his face. “I had a pretty good night,” he says with feigned nonchalance.

“Seeing banners of your giant face already proclaiming you the next gold medalist will do that to you.” Buck laughs and Eddie laughs with him, the sound like pure happiness, burning out the very last of the dread that had been following him since he arrived. It stops quickly when Eddie sits down on his couch and hisses, wincing as he shuffles to get comfortable. 

“Rough day with Lena?” He saw her every day for two months straight once upon a time, he knows how hard she can push.

“Rough couple of days.”

“Are you feeling better, at least? Do the doctors think it’s healing okay?”

“I have a check-up tomorrow, but it’s fine. Just sore.” He finally settles but he still looks like he’s in pain. Buck wants to press, wants to know every detail of his last few days — what exercises he’s done, when the pain really got worse, if he’s resting enough. But this isn’t his injury, and everyone heals differently. And he trusts Eddie, trusts him to know how to take care of himself like he promised he would.

“Anyway,” Eddie says lightly, clearly trying to change the subject. Buck lets him. “I’m sure this good night will make for a good day tomorrow, too. You feel ready?”

“I do,” Buck answers. He’s pleasantly surprised to find that he actually means it. 

“Good. I know you’ll be great. And you’ll have my sleep deprived text commentary to look forward to when you finish.”

Buck winces. “I’m not gonna be skating until like 4AM your time, you really don’t—”

“I really do. I really want to. And there’s not a whole lot you can do to stop me.” Eddie flashes his crowd-charming smile and Buck feels like he’s melting into the mattress again. He tries for a snappy comeback, anything to keep Eddie talking, but he cuts himself off with a yawn, the exhaustion from the week seeming to catch up with him all at once.

Eddie’s smile gets a little softer. “Go to sleep, Buck. I’m gonna take a nap too so I make sure I wake up on time.”

“Okay, okay. Goodnight Eds.”

“Goodnight. Knock ‘em dead tomorrow.”

After they hang up, Buck gives himself a minute, just a minute, to really bask in that, in Eddie’s active support of him from halfway across the world. It’s one thing to have your teammates watch your programs from the stands, but to find competitions on TV, if they’re being shown at all? To figure out time zones and wake up at ungodly hours just to watch you skate live? It may not seem like much, but it’s everything to Buck. He’s only gotten this kind of commitment from one other person in his life — even his parents stopped keeping up once he started competing abroad more. And it’s different with Maddie — they’ve been on this road together for almost two decades, so intertwined with each other’s successes and failures that they’re hard to differentiate sometimes. Sure, Eddie’s been a part of his life for years now too, but as competition, an obstacle he kept trying and failing to overcome. It’s different now that they’re...whatever they are. Friends. Almost something else. 

For the second time tonight, Buck’s reminded of how grateful he is to have another solid, supportive presence in his corner. The last lingering bits of heaviness and loneliness evaporate from within him, and he knows this weekend will be good for him.

~~~~~~~~~~

Second place.

Second place is fine. Second place is great, actually. Second place is enough to show the USFSA that he’s still a contender, that he can still keep up with the best of the best despite a rocky first half of the season.

But second place is not first place. Even if it’s only six points away.

Overall, Buck is happy with his performance. He was clean on his step sequences, attacked every jump, and didn’t fall once. And six points behind the skater from Japan that everyone considers Eddie’s biggest international rival, his biggest threat against his potential Olympic gold, would make most other people ecstatic.

He’s not most other people, though. This past week has reignited the fire in his belly and it’s burning brighter than it has in a while. The medal ceremony, the interviews, the gala, everything flashes by because all he can think about is getting back to work, changing transitions and tweaking spins until even the smallest gap between him and any other skater is erased. Until he knows his programs are undoubtedly gold medal worthy.

It’s refreshing — a relief — to be back in this headspace, being pushed forward by obstacles and less-than-perfection instead of dragged into spiraling sadness.

He almost loses it a couple of times, especially when he decides to take an innocent peek at Twitter to see what fans had to say about the Final, the words “overscored” and “inconsistent” swimming in front of him until they don’t mean anything anymore, just leave doubt lingering, trying to find the home in Buck’s brain that it had just vacated. In those moments, he goes back to his messages and rereads the live texts he’d gotten all weekend, and one in particular that makes his heart skip two beats every time he sees it: 

[from: Eddie] I think you make everyone fall a little bit in love with you every time you skate

Eddie sent it in the middle of his free skate, in the middle of dozens of other compliments and criticism of other skaters, and Buck’s sure he was half awake when he sent it, but it fills him with something he doesn’t quite have a name for. Something that makes all of the harsh words and doubts disappear, because none of those matter when Eddie is here telling him that he’s good, that he deserves all of his scores and praises. That he’s loved, no matter how often he may forget.

Another fire is burning in him, a little above the one in his gut, but it’s pushing him just as hard to prove his worth. 

~~~~~~~~~

There’s four weeks left until Nationals, and Eddie still isn’t better. 

Buck can tell he’s getting frustrated too — the tension in his shoulders gets tighter and tighter, the set of his mouth harder and harder each day he comes to the rink still wearing his air cast, only able to work in the gym and with Lena, far away from the ice and the excited chatter of preparing for the second half of the season. Buck tries to be there, a shoulder to lean on, someone to listen, but he also knows how Eddie operates — he’ll slap on a smile and say he’s fine until he’s really not, until he cracks from the inside out and finally explodes with everything he’s been holding in so he keeps up this air of perfection he’s made for himself. Buck used to think it was annoying, that perfect facade, but now he knows it’s more defensive than anything, Eddie just trying to protect himself from the world and maybe from himself.

Buck doesn’t take it personally anymore, and he’s going to do his damned best to be there to keep the cracks from spreading.

It’s after 10pm when he walks into the gym, still breathing heavily from practice, his muscles burning from overuse and the need to be stretched. He was certain he was alone, so he just about jumps out of his skin when he sees someone lying on the padded floor in front of the mirrors. When he gets closer, his blood runs cold for an entirely different reason.

It’s Eddie.

Buck’s first thought is to call for an ambulance, because why else would Eddie be lying on the floor if he hadn’t hurt himself again? But as he gets closer still, Buck thinks this might be intentional. He’s on his back, headphones on, eyes closed, rhythmically tapping his hands to whatever song he’s listening to on his stomach. As Buck's shadow passes over his face, he opens his eyes and blinks at him for a minute before giving a half-hearted smile and closing his eyes again. He looks sadder, somehow, than he has in the past weeks, dark circles under his eyes and none of the golden glow that seems to follow him wherever he goes (though that may be coming just from Buck’s own imagination anyway).

Buck’s not really sure what to do here, how to fix whatever it is that’s making Eddie feel so bad.

So he lays down right next to him and waits.

The headphones come off after 10 minutes, and Eddie doesn’t open his eyes for another five. When he does, he looks over to Buck, and rather than something supportive or sweet or literally anything else, he says the first dumb thing that comes to his head:

“Are we meditating?”

But he gets an actual smile out of it from Eddie, so he takes it as a win. 

Eddie scrubs his hands over his face. “Trying to, I think.” He turns onto his side, facing Buck, and Buck turns to mirror him. He can tell Eddie is searching for his words, the right phrasing to get his point across, and he’s willing to wait as long as he needs to for Eddie to share. 

Finally, he takes a long, steadying breath. “My doctor said I might not be able to skate until the end of January, which means I might miss Nats, which means I might not—” he gestures vaguely at that, like he expects Buck to know what his silence means. Buck knows exactly what he means, and it makes him ache for Eddie, makes him reach out and squeeze his wrist when his eyes start to shine, thumb tracing over his pulse point trying to soothe him. “I’ve worked my ass off for weeks now to get better, and it still might not be good enough.”

“I’m sorry,” Buck says quietly. “I know it sucks. More than anything.”

Eddie goes quiet again, eyes drifting to where Buck is still holding his wrist. He pulls away for just a second before slotting their fingers together properly and gently squeezing. Like always, Buck marvels at how right it feels, to be holding Eddie’s hand.

“Did you know they’ve been saying I’m the favorite to win gold for three years now? Not to brag, but—” he says quickly, eyes wide. Buck chuckles because he knows — knows now — that Eddie doesn’t have an arrogant bone in his body. He squeezes his hand back and waits for him to keep going. “It’s all I can think about. Every time I fuck up a level or finish off podium, it just stays with me, makes me feel like I’m about to crash and burn and everyone is going to be disappointed in me because I’m not actually as good as they think.” Eddie’s trembling, squeezing his hand tighter to try and stop it. “Maybe they’re right. Maybe I tricked everyone into believing in me, and this stupid busted ankle is—”

“Hey, hey, no,” Buck says, pulling them up to sitting and cupping Eddie’s face in his hands as his tears threaten to spill over, slipping through the cracks. “You don’t deserve this, Eddie, no one deserves to be injured. Believe me, I know what it’s like to put all of your worth into this, and I still do it, but...you’re worth so much more than just your skating. To the fans, to the team. To me.” Eddie’s eyes drift away from his, trying to find an escape, but Buck holds firm until they drift back. “You are good. Not just a good skater, but a good person. You’ll always have that, gold medals or not. And if no one else believes in you, I do.”

Eddie stares at him, looking dumbstruck, and he’s quiet for so long that Buck worries he went too far, bared himself a little too much. He’s about to backtrack, save both of them whatever awkwardness might come, but Eddie surges forward before he can and kisses him so fiercely he swears the earth stands still.

He pushes away just as quickly, eyes wide in panic. “Shit, Buck, I’m sorry, I know we—” but Buck cuts him off, kissing him slow and deep, hands tangling into Eddie’s hair trying to pull him as close as possible. Eddie’s everywhere, his taste, his smell, his touch, and when he feels Eddie’s smile against his mouth, a smile that he put there, he feels like flying.

It finally clicks for Buck that he doesn’t have to — doesn’t want to — compartmentalize his life so much anymore. Skating and Eddie make him happier than pretty much anything. Why shouldn’t he have both?

They break apart slowly and rest their foreheads together. Buck ended up in Eddie’s lap at some point, and from here he can’t see anything but Eddie, gets lost in the curve of his cheekbones and the pout of his lips, and mentally smacks himself for thinking it was really better not having all of this. Eddie is in his corner, always, and he wants to be in Eddie’s too. Wants him to know he’s there, to remember even at his lowest points that he’s not alone, ever.

Eddie finally opens his eyes and smiles at Buck, soft but absolutely breathtaking. He squeezes his arms a little tighter around Buck’s waist, and Buck is more than happy to get as close as he can, would crawl into Eddie’s chest and stay there forever if he could.

“What are you thinking?” Eddie asks quietly.

Buck’s thinking a lot of things, or at least he was, but now that he’s focused on honey brown eyes so full of affection he could drown in them, his only real thought is Eddie Eddie Eddie.

“I think we’re stupid,” he says after a minute, and Eddie’s laugh echos around the empty gym.

“We’re stupid?”

“Okay, I’m stupid. But I think I want to fix that.”

“Oh really?”

“I think I want to be here for you, for everything.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“I think I want to remind you how amazing you are whenever I can.”

“Buck—”

“I think I want to convince you of how incredible you are whenever you stop believing it.”

Eddie’s eyes are shining again, but his smile could also put the sun to shame.

“And I think I really, really want to keep kissing you.”

Eddie shakes his head, smile getting bigger and somehow pulling Buck even closer. “I think we can make that happen,” he whispers. 

He kisses him again, and Buck is soaring.

[name-me-regret]

If The World Was Ending 11/?

If The World Was Ending Chapter Eleven: Waking Up Slow

Read on AO3.

- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

“Heaven help me My mind changes like the wind Please excuse me I don't know where to begin

But I didn't think I cared I could be your friend But I'm unprepared Oh, I've never felt like this

I was unaware That you were lighting flares Now I'm running scared Oh, how did it come to this?...”

~Waking Up Slow (Piano version) - Gabrielle Aplin

- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

‘BUCK!’

Buck lifted his head and saw Christopher, he was barely hanging onto a cement light post as the water ripped at him like dark, reaching hands.

‘CHRIS!’ he shouted as he tried to swim toward him, before he was dragged under. But it didn’t matter how much he kicked his legs and moved his arms, he couldn’t get any closer.

‘HELP, BUCK!’

The water pulled at Chris and his little fingers were slipping and Buck felt desperation start to fill his chest when nothing he did could get him to the little boy. ‘PLEASE!’ he sobbed, seeing Chris’s frightened face as he reached one small hand toward him.

Then the water rushed forward and ripped him from reach and from view.

“NO!” Bucked screamed as he shot up in bed, eyes flying open. He searched the dark room, but he was alone in his loft. His chest was heaving, feeling his heart racing in his chest, but there was no water and he knew Chris was safe. Even so, he wanted to reach for his phone and call Eddie, since he knew he was home right now.

The only thing that stopped him was that it was his first day off after a 48-hour shift, and Eddie needed to rest. Hell, Buck had had Chris during that first 24-hours before Carla had come back to stay with him for the other day. Buck would have honestly been more than happy to take care of him both days, but Eddie had insisted that it was Carla’s job and that Buck didn’t have a job anymore so he couldn’t keep wasting money taking him out.

Buck knew Eddie hadn’t meant it maliciously, but the words stung more than he was willingly to admit, to be reminded that he was no longer a firefighter. Also, Buck wasn’t worried about money, since he kept getting his worker’s comp checks, and his savings consisted of all the money his grandparents had left him. They hadn’t agreed with their parents way of raising him and Maddie, especially how they’d cut her off when she’d married Doug. So, they’d cut them out of their wills and left it all to Buck and Maddie.

They’d been furious.

As for Buck, he didn’t care about the money. All her ever cared about was for his parents’s love and acceptance. He’d never gotten it.

Buck knew he was too keyed up to try going back to sleep, so he decided to take a shower to wash off the sweat. As he was coming out, his phone playing his Mellow playlist, it cut off in the middle of the James Bay song he was listening to. He immediately answered when he saw that it was Tony.

“So, you’re still alive?” Buck asked, a relieved grin on his face despite himself. His hair was still damp, and he’d yanked on some sweats and a t-shirt. The blonde man let himself fall on his bed, cell phone still against his ear. It had been two days since Tony had left, and he’d only received a single text from the man since then.

“Yeah... bruised and bettered, but still alive,” Tony groaned on the other end. There was shuffling on his end, followed by a clanking and then he heard JARVIS voice clearly stating that he needed someone else to stitch his wound.

“You’re trying to stitch your own wound?” Buck asked incredulously. “Don’t you have a tower with a medical floor?” He sat up now, worried for Tony and his apparent idiocy. And Buck thought he was a dumbass.

Tony fumbled with something as he grumbled. “I didn’t call to get lectured, Ev.”

Buck nodded with a sigh, running a hand down his tired face. He hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep in the last two days, mostly because of nightmares. While the ladder truck bombing had given him his share of nightmares, the tsunami and losing Chris during the natural disaster was something worse. So, he was feeling a bit irritable at the moment.

“Then why did you call then?” He didn’t want Tony to think all he’d do was nag at him, as if he was his... well, his boyfriend or something. That had ended a while ago. “I can exactly help you stitch your wound with you being all the way in New York.”

Tony was quiet for a few seconds. “Well, I’m not exactly in New York,” he admitted at last. He heaved his own sigh and did something that gave a sort of ripping sound, and then hissed as Buck heard a smack. “I’m right outside L.A. in a SHIELD safe house.”

“And there’s no one there to help you?” Buck asked, already starting to stand up. He looked for his wallet and the keys to the rental the insurance company had given him, since his Jeep was a total loss and were in the process of getting a estimate and issuing him a check. He had insisted on getting his Jeep back, for sentimental reasons and it didn’t matter if they didn’t give him a check. Buck didn’t want a new vehicle, wanted to fix up his Jeep.

“I’m not exactly supposed to be here,” Tony admitted. He kicked at something on his end. “By the looks of things, no one’s been here in months.”

“Where are you?” Evan asked as he climbed down to the ground level and out of his building.

“What? Why?” He paused and listened, obviously having heard him get in his car and start the engine. “No, Ev, I’m fine. You don’t have to come here.”

“J, are you there? Send Tony’s location to my phone.”

‘Yes, Mr. Buckley, sending it now.’

“JARVIS, you traitor! I will donate you to a community college!” Tony snapped with no real heat in his voice. If anything, he sounded more tired than angry.

“I’m on my way, you idiot,” Buck laughed. He heard Tony curse, but he didn’t tell him to stay away. Buck took that as a win.

- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

The house wasn’t much to look at, and ‘a shack’ would be a better description for it. Buck didn’t see the armor, but figured it was inside with Tony. He didn’t even bother to knock and entered through the door, which Tony had probably left unlocked for him. It could also be because he didn’t expect anyone to come attack him, so whatever had caused his injury had probably been taken care of. If not, Tony wouldn’t have allowed JARVIS to give Buck his location.

“Tony?”

“In the kitchen,” he heard the man call.

A few moments later he entered what could maybe be called a kitchen. The table looked like anything more than the first aid kit resting on it would make it collapse, so did the two chairs that were the only thing in the room. It didn’t look like it had been stepped in for ages, judging by the dust over everything, the grimy stove and the refrigerator that was probably from the eighties, possibly the seventies. There was likely no food inside, and the sink and the faucets of it were rusted, so there was possibly no water.

Buck moved over and soon he was standing over Tony, who was sitting in one of the rickety chairs. He had a black eye that was almost swollen shut, several cuts and bruises all over his face and exposed torso, since he was shirtless. Tony also had a bandage taped against his left side, just out of where he could comfortably reach, and it was quickly being stained by blood. “You’re fine, huh?”

Tony scowled up at him past his rapidly swelling eye, and the armor silently standing behind him in sentry mode showed the dent on the face plate where he’d been hit. “I am,” he insisted. He indicated the bandage. “I managed to tape it up.”

“And JARVIS thinks you need stitches,” he said, removing his light jacket and hanging it on the other chair. “Turn this way,” he instructed as he pulled the chair with his jacket closer. He had to sit close to be able to examine the wound, and he shook his head when he pulled the bloody bandage off. “I’m a firefighter, not a paramedic, and even I know this needs stitches.”

“Well, take a crack at it, if you want,” Tony told him petulantly. He didn’t seem to happy with being seen like that, but he’d seen Evan like that so he didn’t know what his problem was. In fact, he’d been worse, but then again, he’d been eighteen at the time, almost nineteen. So, he guessed it was different.

Buck shook his head and yanked the first aid kit closer, which he’d obviously been trying to use by the blood smeared on the side of it. “I’d normally leave you to your stupidity, but then JARVIS would be upset,” he snarked back.

Of course, he wouldn’t actually do it, since he’d come all this way to help him. Buck cared about Tony, even when he was being snappish. They were both quiet as he worked, Buck having slipped on some gloves, and Tony grunted in pain when the needle first pierced the skin, but then his only response afterwards was a few flinches or his shoulders twitching for the next six stitches. “All done,” he said, cleaning the excess blood and tossing it all in the trash can Tony had obviously dragged closer. There wasn’t even a bag inside of it.

“Thanks,” Tony finally said after a moment of silence. His face was tired and Buck wondered how much sleep he’d gotten since the two days he’d seen him. The bags under his eyes told that it had likely not been much, so he probably felt as bad as Buck did.

“Are you staying here?” Buck asked, looking around distastefully at the grime and dust that covered every surface. He was sure the rest of the... structure was just as bad, or worse. At least it was only one floor, since he was quite sure anything higher might have collapsed by now. Then again, if it belonged to a secret spy organization, then it was probably reinforced to keep it standing. Buck wasn’t too keen on testing that theory out.

“I can’t really fly without fixing the helmet,” he said. Buck took that to mean that it was damaged enough that he might not be able to even use it. “I’ll have... Pepper send me the jet.”

“Or I could take you home,” Buck blurted out, not really thinking on what he was saying.

“I.. do have a penthouse in LA,” Tony mused out loud. Then he quickly shook his head. “No, never mind, I think it was damaged in the tsunami.”

“I meant take you to my apartment,” Buck clarified. He was amused as Tony’s gaze snapped up in shock toward him. “It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before.” He tried to keep the smirk off his face as he saw Tony’s face start to get a bit red. Buck hadn’t even know it was possible to make Tony Stark blush.

“I don’t... want to be a burden,” Tony said, almost stuttering. Buck was enjoying this way too much. “I don’t really have a change of clothes.”

Buck shrugged as he leaned forward, seeing Tony’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed nervously. “You can just borrow some of mine,” he said, making a show of checking his bandage, but he wanted to tease him a little. He’d always enjoyed flexing his flirting skills, and there was no one better for that than Mr. Tony “smooth-talking-charm-anyone” Stark. Then again, Tony had been Maddie’s friend since they were 14 and 16 respectively, Buck having been 10 at the time. It was the year before he started at MIT, and three years before his parent’s automobile accident.

He’d been a mess back then, alcohol and drugs and between Maddie and his friend Rhodes they’d helped him the best way they could. As for Buck, he had met Tony briefly but not entirely, and during that time he’d been thirteen. They hadn’t properly met until he was 16 (almost 17) and Tony had been 20, at a charity event that Charles Buckley actually donated to. Buck was convinced that it was just to keep up appearances, but it had benefited Buck that he could finally meet Maddie’s friend, Tony Stark.

Buck had been smitten almost immediately but Tony had refused the young man’s advances until he was actually 18. By then Buck had long known he was bisexual and knew exactly what and who he wanted, and he had wanted Tony. It was cliche that on his eighteenth birthday they’d finally fallen into bed together, but that’s what had happened, almost like a fairytale if one was being extra sappy and cheesy.

Then Charles Buckley had found out eight months into their relationship, and Buck had ended it to spare himself from his father’s bigoted, homophobic rage. He’d moved to LA a month after he turned nineteen.

Now here he had him once again and all those feelings he’d never gotten over were returning with a vengeance, despite his feelings for Eddie. He’d been hiding them well, hiding himself out of fear still, but it became harder now with Tony here. Because while he wasn’t sure that Tony had ever loved him, Buck was sure the man had been his first love, and you never got over your first love.

“Come home with me,” he told him, fingers coming to rest on his knee.

Tony’s eyes moved to the hand on his knee before they lifted to meet his eyes. “Yea-”

The sound of the front door being kicked in made them both freeze, and the armor turned as the repulsors charged with a whine. Buck stood and faced the open doorway even as Tony hissed at him to get back. There was no way he’d do that, not with Tony being injured.

They both tensed as an imposing figure entered their line of sight, a very familiar shield in front of them. “Tony?” he asked in confusion.

“Rogers,” Tony sighed as he slumped back in his chair. He winced a moment later and Buck wanted to immediately check the stitches, but he hadn’t moved from his position, which was between Tony and this man. “It’s alright, he’s a... not a threat.”

Buck’s eyes narrowed on the man, trying to place him, and definitely not trusting him in the slightest. “Why’re you kicking in the door?” Buck asked him as his eyes not once leaving him as he walked further inside the kitchen.

“Because this is a SHIELD safe house and someone broke into it,” he said, as if that explained that all. “I work with SHIELD.”

Buck opened his mouth to respond, not sure why this man got his hackles up, but paused as Tony’s hand touched his elbow. He glanced at the man, scoffed and backed off, physically and metaphorically as he sat in the rickety chair once again. “I’m surprised there’s even security system for this shack,” Tony told the man. He seemed to know him, whoever he was.

“It’s a low frequency alarm, which is why we only got here,” a woman said as she walked in after the man. Buck hadn’t even heard her come in she was so quiet. “I’m surprise you didn’t realize there was an alarm.”

Tony grunted as he put on his shirt carefully. “I didn’t really check,” he admitted. “I was preoccupied with other things.” He stood. “We’ll be leaving now.”

“You’re hurt?” the man asked, brow furrowed. “Do you need assistance?” He’d stepped forward and his blue eyes narrowed as Buck tensed and half rose out of his seat.

“He’s fine, I took care of him,” he said.

The man, Rogers as Tony had called him, frowned. “And you are?”

Tony opened his mouth, but Buck cut him off. “Buck,” he said, holding a hand to him. And even as he smiled at him, there was no warmth in the expression. “A firefighter with LAFD.”

Rogers hesitated a moment, seeming to stiffen at the mention of his name. He eventually took his hand, grip firm as he shook it. “Steve Rogers. That’s an interesting name.”

Buck shrugged as he released his hand and tipped his head at the woman, who hadn’t bothered to introduce herself. Except, she really didn’t have to now that Buck new the man’s name. He was Captain America and that must mean she was Natasha Romanov, the Black Widow, who had wandered closer to Tony to check him over. Tony just waved her off. “It’s actually Evan Buckley, but everyone just calls me Buck.”

Tony stood as well now. “Well, not that this hasn’t been swell,” he snarked, “but I’m eager to get into Ev’s bed.”

Rogers sputtered and Tony only grinned and didn’t correct what he must be thinking. He moved past them all, and Buck nodded as he also left the room. The suit, being controlled by JARVIS, followed right behind. As they exited the shack, he saw the jet parked close by, a dark shadow in the gloom.

Tony had already slipped into the passenger seat and Buck wasted no time in getting into the car as well. “So, did I just meet Captain America and the Black Widow, or did I imagine that?”

“No,” Tony huffed a laugh, “you didn’t.”

Buck nodded as he started his car. “And did you just make those same people think we were about to have sex?”

Tony smirked and Buck laughed as he shifted the car into drive and headed back toward the city. “You’re terrible.”

“I try my best,” Tony quipped back.-