#the last two times i had a couple of months to myself i didnt have a good time (lockdown & burnout)

[tiffanyachings]

what i am concluding after my two month free trial of living on my own is that it's actually quite nice as long as you have a resemblance of a routine & go out and see people regularly

[thanksfortheflaglove]

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[anime-grimmy]

Soooo, you've probably noticed Ive been replaying HZD recently so my mind's been stuck on the franchise for a while.

I finally took the time to actually try and experience Burning Shores for the first time, this time with an unbiased opinion.

Bcs, ngl, when it came out, I was very negative towards it for a couple of reasons. It already started out with me not being able to freaking play this DLC, even though I was so excited for it, cos while HFW was on PS4, the DLC wasnt. And Im wasnt going to buy a whole ass PS5 just for a DLC.

(I will get it once I buy a PS5 for MH Wilds though).

And then, ofc, the elephant in the room - Seyka, or rather Aloy's relationship with her.

I'll preface this with, though it should be obvious with my content, I do NOT have a problem with Aloy being in a gay relationship.

What rly irked me, and honestly still irks me, is that Aloy finally gets to experience new feelings IN A FUCKING DLC. AN EXTENSION A LOT OF THE PLAYERBASE WONT PLAY.

The second reason I didnt enjoy this decision was bcs it felt so rushed. I mean, we're talking about Aloy here! Miss "I dont have time for feelings bcs I gotta save the world"! Miss "I barely just learnt to let others in"!

From what Ive heard, the DLC is over the course of a few weeks/months, so it's not like they fell in love just like that, but Ive also heard that while playing you do not get a feel for that passage of time. I'll have to experience that for myself though.

Now that Ive had some distance from the franchise though, my feelings have changed a bit

Im not going to lie and say I now loooove this decision. No, I am still miffed such enourmous character developement for Aloy is stuck IN A DLC. Not to mention that it was such a bold move to try this with a new character, cos this relationship being perceived well hinges on the player liking Seykay and that fast. Imo she's a fine character but also nothing special.

Now, I do have to say, I am really happy that Aloy has finally come so far that she allows such intimate feelings to develop, or rather, that the devs let her be this way. I know a lot of us still perceive Aloy as this single minded protag, that wont let anyone in bcs "the mission is too important", so Im glad Guerilla shows us that Aloy has undergone quite the growth.

Im also pleasantly surprised that Guerilla has the guts to include romance for Aloy, bcs they were one leg in the "strong women need no (wo)men" pit, so it's great to see they dont let Aloy fall into that trope.

Now, for the FUN part.

I actually have a conspiracy theory, ie I am gaslighting myself on why such a big thing is stuck in a DLC.

I think Guerilla is testing the waters to see how players react. I am pretty sure they can gather the data on what dialogue options players used, so Im thinking this:

Guerilla is trying to gauge the player reaction on a) Aloy developing feelings, b) players thinking Aloy is ready/willing for a relationship, c) same sex relationships. They tried killing quite a few birds with one stone.

I have seen quite a few teasing, winky face posts and replies from Guerilla staff about romance options in the third installment, so my guess (delusion) is that the relationship is hidden in the DLC so Guerilla can plan on how much and obvious to include several romance options in the last title.

I know this is all just wishful thinking, but even if Seyka is a good character, I hope to fucking god that they dont just take that relationship decision away from us, esp with a character bound to a DLC.

Guerilla gave us such a wonderful cast of characters over the last two games, and if they want to give Aloy an "end game" in the third title, I hope they do let us choose with who. Or at least I hope they dont force a relationship we cant choose onto us.

Cos as much as Aloy is her own person, it is still US that make the decisions in game. Through our individual playstyles , we give Aloy our own interpretation. Now, we cant change her core values, but still, I hope to GAIA that Guerilla will give us enough wiggle room.

(Guerilla, Im begging you, Ive already waited 8 years, please dont let my ship sink)

[foxfirexo]

my minecraft base on a server with a couple ppl; i am very proud of how it is turning out, the vibes are cozy and it has very organically expanded over time :3

tiny bit of story feel free to ignore and just scroll past but i feel like oversharing so fuck u (kindly <3)

ive always been pretty creative even if i spent the last decade or so telling myself i wasnt. when i was little it was lego, when i got older it was minecraft (among other things)

but being an audhd transgirl growing up in a very conservative southern baptist household (and as a PK and MK at that ;-;) and whose very existence was just fundamentally at odds with the teachings i was raised, i felt a lot of lot of pressure to suppress any self expression or identity i might have and with that went a lot of my creativity

after all, how am i supposed to be creative without expressing myself? and if ive numbed all the thoughts that i want to share bc they get me in trouble w my parents, what am i supposed to put into my art?

also being told your whole childhood that you're a guy and receiving all that lovely generational societal trauma of male gender roles and expectations really crushed the pointless wonderful meanderings of my mind. god i cringe a bit now(w compassion<3) but i used to brag about how obsessed i was with productivity, efficiency, logic, order but in hindsight i think it was 98% just feeling like i had to be a high achieving eventually bread winning "guy"

anyway as such ive had a very on again off again relationship w minecraft. it was a coping mechanism when i was young so ive put probably a good 5k+ hours into it but it became increasingly difficult to enjoy as i got older and ive gone years at a time never touching the damn game

its funny bc you could probably chart my whole healing journey and my ups and downs of my mental health by just measuring # of hrs spent in mc per month

but very recently ive been finally reaching a point (thank u therapist) that i am allowing myself the joy of self expression, that i am accepting and loving myself without the judgement of my youth holding me back, that i no longer feel like i have to hide myself away for fear of being crushed again because i have the self love to stand on my own two feet no matter what anybody else thinks

as silly as this probably sounds, joining tumblr just over a week ago has actually played a part in this too. ill probably ramble more ab that some other time whenever i feel like oversharing again but suffice it to say that this environment is incredible and everyone on this platform has made me feel so so so comfortable in my own skin being myself sharing my thoughts and feelings and just existing :3

and ya its a bit goofy but im actually seeing this milestone in how im playing minecraft. not only am i playing again (pretty regularly, too!) but im... just fucking around. no plan, no goal, if i have an idea pop into my head i just go out and do it but im equally content to just strip mine, chop trees, tend to my farms, whatever sounds good in the moment.....

and im building again too!!! no worrying about doing it "right", no stressing about wasting time bc i didnt count something right and now i have to move that wall or i changed my mind and now i have to redo all my flooring... just chipping away at it, trying out new blocks or decor ideas, enjoying it more for the process than the finished product and never needing anything to truly be finished

so ya :3 i havent felt this amazing playing minecraft since probably 2014/15 and im super proud of myself for getting to this point, its been a long journey and im by no means done but silly little things like this give me so so so sooo much hope and encouragement ^^

k thats all if u actually read all that im sorry or ur welcome lol

[lillysilvermoon]

Hey guys has been a hot minute since I appeared here (really sorry about that) life happens, I have been learn a lot and doing a lot of work, internal and external. But I, like here me out, Hades told me to use my key necklace whici is actually his and he gave me for protectio literally guided me to this necklace because I dreamed about it, and is for protection here in the living world and in the underworld. He to told me to use last week. I didnt. Yeah. And just right now I was organizing my week witch to do list because I need to get back on treck and my dragon told ALSO LAST WEEK to protect myself, and I will do a cleanse bath and protection bath tomorrow, also a spell with Apollo, BUT THATS NOT THE THING. I was searching in my book (Hades, myth, magic and modern devotion in case you are curious because I know I was am) and just LOOK AT THIS: "Protect the back of your neck - stray energies love to sneak in at this vulnerable spot"....... this is literally ALWAYS the FIRST place on my body I feel weird on something is wrong. Guys, he was mad. Like as soon as I read this my mind clicked "oh, thats why he wants me to use the necklace" (for context: protect me from spiritual attacts) he just appeared "Yes. and you >didn't<...." if you work with a god you know when you did shit. And I knew I should had put it on but... i just didnt want to in that day, I apologized and he was like "uhum - imagine someone put their tong in their cheek - consecrate the necklace again. And USE-it". He was not mad like 'omg danger' he was mad like "you could have been harm........." this kind of mad. And today i even dreamed about two black and big scorpions on my bedroom (in the dream I was just like "oh, its okay they are on the floor leave them." and them my sheet ripped on my led and I literally JUMPED out of my bed lol. But yeah, right now I am working with Hades again because we werent doing anythin. gfor a couple of months, I needed to sometime to understand were I was with my practice at the moment, I am also starting to work with astral gypsies (its on folk magical from my country which is Brazil in case you guys dont know) and needs dedication and study because I am not familiar with this work and I am learning, I am also in third semester of my uni (I do biological sciences) and yeah. I am doing a lot of cleanse work, trauma healing, meditation, studying with my dragon which if you know takes a lot of time to interpret some stuff, I am focus on material stuff that I want too so thats why I haven't been so activate here and I am sorry, I love this place, i am also sorry for the people I dindt responded, truly but my life has been chaotic to say the least I went trough massive transformations that make caos internally so then the peace can appear. I hope yall are okay. I love you and I will try to bring more stuff here that I have learned. Lots of love, Lia.

[sonny-whorezik]

haiii ... like a week short of a month since i left everything.... i just wanted to use as Journal and catch up before i do Fully return to social media, gettin rid of the app after this post yet again:

has . been . rough. grief has been consistent the last month from my best friend and now ex leaving me, losing that new job due to being physically sick from grief and being unemployed an additional month, my best best friend my dog, sage, passed away last friday and although i left to drive to kansas i just didn't make it in time. She has wind chimes over her grave and passed listening to the sound of the wind chime my great grandma left for me. two days after her passing marked the First Full Year since my grandpa passed away, i had a dream the night before where we drove around looking at christmas lights with people no longer in my life and he just looked so so sad. i am consistently physically alone; i facetime a couple friends but i go outside alone, sleep/wake up alone, eat alone, this has been going on since i left arizona in november Most of my time is spent completely alone.

ive tried new habits. i meditate and stretch in the morning and night. i read a page a day of a stoicism book my dad got me last year with a propeller hat. i see a therapist weekly, wake up earlier, even floss now. The complete back to back to back grief has left me no choice but to just Do Something. while i would Love to share something with someone its best i reserve it to myself, yet here i am vacantly sharing my last month to who knows who...

my friend invited me to see stop making sense last night in a farther town, showed the original film not the remastered and general admission was all standing and everyone acted as if it was a real concert dancing and singing. this was my 6th time seeing it in a theater. did not cry once yet celebrated the experience i have had and although i will never have anything quite like i did with someone quite like them, at least i had it for a good portion of my life. had to devote this must be the place to myself, foreign. to be completely transparent, i do miss them every day. i do not cry like i used to, i dont let myself get consumed by thought and feeling, ive grown more desensitized as time has passed, but i still miss them of course. i consistently see things that remind me of them even when theyre not on my mind and when sage died i wanted to reach out so terribly; reminisce of the fort we built where she slept with us and i had no one to talk to but my mom who was with her til the end. i didnt. i havent reached out. it is not my place given they were the one to leave i just will not keep reaching out and chasing someone who sounded so blatantly apathetic on our last phone call. i tell myself it was just a form of self preservation to them but yknow. like. that's it, i have no choice but to experience grief with self compassion and continue on, wherever that goes.

i may be starting TMS treatment , having magnets zap my brain 5 days a week, 6 weeks. i see a cardiologist on the 30th since my chest frequently hurts and both ekgs have concerns in the pause between beats. my pulse at resting is consistently around 120 yet my blood pressure is fine; who knows. well i guess ill know actually in 10 days. im finishing a vape, got a full pack of cigarettes ive yet to touch yet plan to quit smoking here soon in hopes it helps. maybe after my pack to eliminate temptation yet not waste my money... i bought it an hour before sage passed. i barely drink coffee and dont use energy drinks anymore i do what i can for my heart now.

atticus still sleeps with me, most nights. sometimes he wanders the living room when i cant sleep. im almost halfway through galapagos. i washed my sheets for the first time since buying them in august. im very much alone and this is all fine i tell myself. the stoicism has encouraged me to alter my perspective on things more rationally as opposed to the wired self deprecating and depression-based "take everything personally" thought processes ive had for 18 years. im on my phone significantly less and i even wrote a piece on piano i may share after this post. ive been transposing it to cello, my grandma requested.

i have no interest in perusing anyone anytime soon still, whether its still too early or what i think i do just Need to do these things alone for a while. ive never found sole stability in others, i learned this at 6 with my dad, yet while outside aid would help, it is not a requirement to live however. forgive me for how long this is and for leaving once again there are a few of you i used to talk to daily and now ive just got a few contacts in my phone.

despite chronic mental illness, mourning, loneliness, you name it, ive never taken this approach before. i will typically have a suicide attempt yet here i am doing a pancake stretch and ommm-ing every morning. i keep as busy as i can, today i went through every single thing i own to sort donations and the day before i deep cleaned. there is a box wrapped in a blanket of some of the things that remind me of them. i went through it today and brought out some things like the books theyve given me, it doesnt hurt as much anymore to remember. im donating the mugs i never gave them and the one theyd use at my house when theyd come over. all their letters havent been reread yet sit in between the photo of us in the cave. it was nice to see. i am so honored they let me, of all people, share these experiences with them. i am more thankful it happened then miserable itll never happen again; at least i had it for a while. i say this yet if a year passes and i hear from them, i would love to reconnect: hear how their life has been, what they've been doing, how their family is and if they are doing better. if this has helped. while for 6 years i believed they were really it for me, whether we ever dated or not ive always considered them the only one who Really Knew who i was, how i worked, you name it. although im "moving on" by taking care of myself more, it is upsetting to admit if i ever have a chance again, id take it in a heartbeat. i say this yet still believe Even if i do never get a chance, that's okay too. While i would, i dont anticipate it, rely on it, sit in denial "theyll surely come back," its alright if they never do. i live each day as if they never will yet to my core do know that i would try again

a knee ways .. i hope you, whoever reads, is doing okay, that you feel alright and what not. you dont have to feel good every day, but at the least alright i hope ... not sure if/when ill come back maybe just once a month im unsure yet .was just in a solid enough state to do this for a moment . wish you all well ,

[recountcuntessa]

wow wtf. its been a whole eight months since i put a journal entry in here. mostly because my thought process has been to finish and post a song before I come back, as if i have a thriving fanbase on here lmao. but lords knows that doesn't matter to me. in making music and playing bass recently, i have really started to be comfortable with not always ending up with a product that needs to be released. instead, sometimes the result is learning and improving my skills, and thats enough.

this summer was rough on me financially and emotionally. since last entry, i got two jobs, and lost two jobs. i was working two jobs as i ended up getting the one i interviewed for that payed very well, but they ended firing me after a couple months, and i dont even wanna go into all that but just know im still bitter over that shit smh. but they couldnt break my soul cause i ended up getting a barista job the same weekend, which is where i am now. though i wasnt actively sad, i didnt feel in my body, i wasnt taking care of myself like i needed to, and i was the most insecure ive been in a minute.

this semester feels so much different than the past. i feel a lot more focused and almost as if its easier to learn. is that the frontal lobe forming??? might be last semester, i finally found my people and had a solid friend group, and then this summer, both of my close friends transferred to different schools, so outside of acquaintances, i was going into the fall with no friends. but already, i have met a lot of new people, made new friends, and went out out for the first time. i finally feel the grasp of anxiety getting looser over time, and i feel such a strong sense of self at the moment. im also getting comfortable doing things alone, ive seen a few movies by myself and actually went to a live show alone too.

last entry i was in a talking stage with someone, and big surprise, it didnt go anywhere, who wouldve thought lol. and now im in another one, i'm not a whore i promise. actually quite the opposite, which is why im trying to force myself to see this one through. there is a hefty ass list of red flags with this one, from a double digit age difference to the fact that he serves (and not in a cunty or military way). i have been on the fence since the moment we started talking, which is over a month now. i dont want to waste his time if i dont really see it going anywhere, but i dont want to self sabotage/ write it off to quickly due to my fear of affection. i really need to figure this shit out and fast. with that being said, here are two songs i think are cool.

[honey-dewey]

So I spent the better part of the last three months (how long has it been since they announced Survivor?) absolutely throwing myself into a Cal Kestis cosplay because that’s what I do I guess. You can check it out on Friday on my Insta, honey_dewbear, but as I made the damn thing, I had questions! I noticed things! And I am sharing those things/questions with you all. Because, y’know, reasons. 

90% of his shirt (and presumably pant) seams are felled seams. This is both good and bad. Good because felled seams are incredibly sturdy and more likely to hold up over time, as they should in canon, so someone clearly did their research. Bad because I hate felling seams. It’s tedious and I hate it

I don’t think you all understand how desperately I want to know the canon materials used for Cal’s clothes. I have to know. I have to. I spent an hour looking for suitable fabrics. AN HOUR.

Why. Why. Why does Cal wear one sleeve rolled and the other down? Realistically I know it’s for east tattoo access but like. Roll the other one up too!!!

Cal’s gear padding is actually insulated with quilt batting. It’s very warm. And plush. And makes that leather thing actually comfortable. 

Cal’s sleeves have outer seams instead of inner. This is very annoying. Very very annoying. You can’t hide messy outer seams. 

Someone please tell me how BD-1 is staying on Cal’s back. Because there’s no grip, no straps, no nothing. 

fUCK FELLED SEAMS

Cal- Cal has- on his arm- he has-

Excuse me while I go cry

Words cannot describe how weird this pant material is. It looks like denim? But also canvas duck? I got canvas duck, but like what is it actually made of?????

Cal’s pants have leather patches on his ass. It’s probably to reinforce that commonly-used area. I think it’s just funny. 

There’s a red and blue patch on Cal’s left shoulder that I desperately want to know what it looks like. Does it have words??? What does it say????

Patch update because I found a real reference. It doesn’t say anything. It’s pure gibberish. I’m gonna vote that it’s a patch Cal found for that Huttese band because it’s written in Huttese. 

What the fuck is in all those goddamn canisters he carries around? Are they stims? Caffeine shots? Liquor? 

Someone please explain exactly what every single patch and canister and pouch on Cal’s outfit does/holds. I have to know. For science. 

tHE LITTLE ORANGE WATER BOTTLE MY BELOVED. I DIDNT HAVE ONE BUT ITS MY FAVORITE ACCESSORY PIECE

Unrelated to the costume but the concept art for Cal? Yeah he looks like a child in that. That’s a babey. I can believe that boy is eighteen at best. 

And we’ve come full circle to why the hell does Cal only wear one goddamn glove? AND ITS NOT EVEN HIS SABER HAND. 

The pink poncho is my favorite and I realized it’s the exact same shade of pink as two of the walls at my workplace. Crumbl Cookie Pink Poncho

Cal’s got a broad ass chest. Or maybe I’m just. Not broad-chested

I’m noticing very quickly that there aren’t many reference photos for Cal. Huh. 

Weathering this costume is gonna hurt because each sleeve took me a couple of hours. HOURS. 

Cal’s sleeve/shirt/pant patches are super funny to me because they’re thick and padded and to make them more comfortable for me (and also appropriately thick), I used bright pink fleece because it was what I had lying around. So that’s my new headcanon. Cal’s clothes are padded with a variety of funny colored fleece patches 

Cal has significantly longer proportions than I do (I’m short) and so everything looks absolutely tiny. But nope, it’s all right, I’m just not tall. 

It was at this stage in the game (just under halfway done) that I was debating making Cal’s glove by hand so the fabric would be the same. I will get back to you on whether or not I would soon regret this decision. 

The leather vest piece thing is my favorite part of this costume. It’s so cool!

It also stinks of foam and leather

Does Cal wear his pants cuffed? DOES HE????

Tried to make the glove and gave up immediately. Decided to just use the same one I had for Hera Syndulla. 

Cal’s pants are sectioned in a very odd way that I had a tough time replicating. Mid thigh seams???? I don’t understand.

Cal’s lightsaber is really cool, honestly one of my favorite designs in all of Star Wars, but, uh, how does he clip it to his belt?

We’re back to the fact that he has so many pouches and pockets and I desperately need to know what each one has in it. Does he keep little granola bars? Money? Tools? I have to know!

I’m still, literally still stuck up on what all the little identification rectangles on the shirt/belt/pant pocket are. Do they identify Cal’s clothes as his? Are they for funsies? A guild identification? WHAT ARE THEY?

[badlydrawnwaywardvagabond]

hi its been two months sorry

i didnt realize how long it had been until saturday. (happy late 4/13?)

tldr i swear ill be back some time in the next... month and a half. school is hell and so is burnout. im gonna try to at least answer a couple asks but there prolly wont have art. full explanation under the cut

-mod kat

ok so basically burnout hit me like a sack of bricks to the head and ive done basically jack shit except school for the past two months. finals are at the end of may so final units are fast approaching. on top of that, i have a convention to go to immidiately after finals and my cosplay wig isnt done. i am officially in Project Crunch Time Hell.

on top of that, my adhd ass cant stick with one project so now i have an ETSY in the works, along with a FULL LENGTH MSPFA, multiple fics (one of which might become a SECOND mspfa), multiple standalone art pieces, animations/animatics, minicomics, and even a couple SONGS in varying levels of nowhere-near-doneness.

needless to say, i have maybe stretched myself just a bit too thin. just a little.

taking all of this into consideration, i kinda just. forgot about this. i havent really had access to discord for the last couple months either, which isnt helping. i have no idea whats going on with 90% of the badlydrawn blogs rn.

so. heres the plan.

i will answer asks as soon as i can. some might not have art.

i will be mostly avoiding major arcs, save for one thats been planned for a while.

posts will likely be few and far between for the sake of my sanity.

thank you for your patience.

-mod kat

(ps. to all the mods who were helping me - FUCK im so sorry i didnt mean to disappear like that i will make it up to yall somehow i swear. esp badlydrawnreader mod and kripsy i am SO sorry!!)

[madisonrooney]

2014 was arguably the most formative year of my life, so forgive me as i continue with posts about 10th anniversaries of things cuz anniversaries get me emotional and this year is a big one.

i dont remember the exact date, i wish i did, but some time this month marks 10 years since i started watching shake it up.

i rarely talk about this show, but it was deeply important in my getting back into disney channel. as ive talked about many a time, i didnt watch new disney channel shows, and even fell behind on ones i was already watching, around 2011-12 not bc i was actually growing out of the channel, but bc i felt like i was being forced out of it by my peers, in particular my abuser, and even once that situation had improved, the resulting depression didnt allow me the emotional energy to get into new shows for a while.

as i continued to recover, i decided to binge it leading up to my summer 2014 disneylans trip. binge watching it over a short period im sure is most of if not the entire reason it didnt have the same lasting impact on me that shows like liv and maddie did, but not only did i DEEPLY love it at the time, but it helped me take a big step in the direction of getting back into disney channel as a whole. my growing interest in liv and maddie was simultaneous with this, so i think all this happening at the same time was kismet. i even remember one night thinking "i cant decide if i like shake it up or liv and maddie better." obviously, that decision would be made soon enough, but like i said, i think had the circumstances been different, shake it up may have been even bigger in my life than it was. i feel like theres a parallel universe where it takes the place in my life liv and maddie has since had lol.

and disney channel coming back into my life carries more importance than just it defining a lot of my personality and interests to this day. it was the means by which i continued to move past my abusive friendship. she had made me feel like an embarrassment for enjoying these shows, and even specifically said about shake it up that she didnt want me watching it bc she knew i was gonna like it. so the more i fell in love with it, the more i felt i was gaining my individuality back.

other than helping me get back into disney channel overall, i think it had two other notable impacts, the first being seeing characters i enjoyed helped me identify those personalities in the people around me, like in my high school, and understand and read their emotions better (thats the undiagnosed-at-the-time autism for you). i remember a couple reminding me of deuce and dina and a classmate that i really wanted to be friends with reminding me of rocky. this would be one of the first of a number of shows to have this effect on me.

i also was just enamored with rocky and cece's friendship and, as cheesy as it sounds, it made me learn to value my best friend even more.

again, plenty other disney shows following this would expand and help me understand the world around me similarly, but this was the beginning of it.

so thank you to shake it up. although i don't shine a light on it as much as i do my other favorite shows, i don't think my disney channel fandom and relationship with the shows and characters i love, or even with the world around me and with myself, would be the same without it.

[rumpunch]

HIIII so… i finally got to see hadestown this weekend (the national tour production) w two of my best friends 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 i knew we were gonna see it for months but i didnt want to post abt it beforehand / acknowledge it in any way after making plans bc i was scared i would jinx it like what happened when i posted / talked abt seeing shows on the west end and then covid hit and sent me home lol. but i can’t believe i finally saw it!! it doesn’t feel real and honestly didn’t until right now as im writing this….. being in the theater was truly an out of body (and mind lol) experience for better or for worse. this was my first time seeing a show since covid and im soooo glad it was this one given how much it’s meant to me for all these years 🥹💗

i have a lot of thoughts on the production and also the plot / story so here they are lol:

production thoughts

for context ive never seen a hadestown 👢 before, i told myself that i wanted my first experience of seeing it to be actually seeing it in person. but ive listened to the obcr 5798673594 times over the last 3 years and the songs have become thoroughly woven into my life... so that made for a really weird experience where i knew every word but was watching it unfold for the first time and yet i knew what was coming for the most part. that also could be chalked up to the fact that ive seen so many gifsets and have read so many posts about other ppl seeing the show so i did know about some visual things.. but yeah it was just weird what i knew / expected and what i didnt lol

my friends and i sat in the back right corner of the mezzanine (like the LITERAL corner. no chairs behind us or next to us and the exit right next to us) and sadly the balcony in the set was cut off for us so we had to keep leaning across each other or scrunching our heads down to see the action up there :~/ but it was ok

i think bc of the above two bullet points + the fact that i really did not let myself believe that i was going to see the show bc i was scared of jinxing it + me having depression / possible derealization issues that i did not have when i first got into this show... i was kinda numb the entire time which sucks a little. i cried a couple times (happy / disbelieving tears in road to hell (persephone's entrance specifically for some reason, idk why it wasnt the "aight"s LOL) and any way the wind blows, sad tears in doubt comes in) but i didnt really... process anything in the moment or really experience the epic highs and lows of it while watching it. i just generally wasnt very moved! and im processing the show right now for the first time. and that kinda sucks and is unlike me and unlike what i thought seeing it was gonna be like. in a similar vein i found myself really focused on whoever was in the spotlight and im kinda mad at myself for that bc this is a show where SO many little details / context clues are communicated when ppl are in the background. but its fine i guess, i may be in a weird place mentally but i got to see it and maybe i'll see it again someday and be more moved

the cast was PHENOMENALLLLLL. j antonio rodriguez was our orpheus and he was the standout for me, his singing and acting as were breathtaking! i was frustrated about hannah whitley (eurydice) though bc like (and i feel bad for saying all of this)... nobody can be eva noblezada but hannah was missing a lot of notes / singing off key and kept like.. idk what the technical term for it is but she was kinda singing on her own beat and adding in a lot of pauses or rushing into things instead of staying on pace with the music and also she kept kinda revving up into the high notes and all of it grated on me. but i grew warmer to her singing in act 2 and i really appreciated her acting throughout! i didnt rly have many thoughts about hades (matthew patrick quinn), persephone (maria christina oliveras), or hermes (nathan lee graham) aside from ADORING all of their performances and what they brought to the roles compared to the obc! and the fates (dominique kempf, belén moyano, courtney lauster) / ensemble (kc dela cruz, colin lemoine, sean watkinson, shavey brown, raquel williams) / musicians were INCREDIBLE and had such amazing chemistry with and between each other :~D

antonio made for a bolder more charming orpheus and hannah made for a darker moodier more tortured eurydice which was interesting. but (and maybe this was just me dealing with the whole numbness / already knowing what to expect thing) i wasnt really convinced about their love story (specifically the early parts of it in act i as they were falling in love) or that orpheus in particular was insecure and vulnerable to the fates. but they did have some good chemistry in act ii especially and i was rooting for them so hard despite knowing wht was to come :~(

i knew that on broadway they have that little elevator in the center of the stage so i was curious about how it would work in the tour and... they had this giant oven box thing with moving doors! i actually really liked that, it made the whole idea of traveling to / from hadestown seem more sinister. that said i was kinda bothered by it during doubt comes in because orpheus and eurydice had to walk around the entire stage to make sure eurydice was positioned in front / inside of the oven and it kinda spoiled the ending in a way (even though we all know how that ends)... im guessing that on broadway its less exaggerated and you dont see it coming bc all eurydice has to do is just move over to the side a little. but idk i'll finally let myself watch a 👢 and see what the difference is

i couldnt take my eyes off of hades and persephone during promises. they started the song with hades kneeling with his head against persephone's stomach and then he stood up and they just hugged.... for a LONG time. like at least 3-5 minutes. and i was like god i wish that were me and i was thinking about what that mustve been like for the actors playing them.. like if thats a moment that they share and look forward to or whatever bc i know i would. it made me think about jenna's dear baby monologue in you matter to me LOLLLL

i saw from another post i read on here (as i was pregaming for the show by scrolling thru my hadestown tag LMAO) that orpheus runs through the audience at one point? and he didnt do that for us that i saw which i was bummed about. maybe thats just a broadway thing

i had no idea the set splits open during wait for me!!! it was so cool

i also didnt know / fully realize that hades produces a flower for persephone during epic iii 😭 the tears in my eyes... also speaking of epic iii hades singing the lalalalalalalaaaa got a LAUGH and i was so MAD!!!!! i get that its kinda funny because it just sounds so weird in his voice and its a startling moment... but that pissed me off bc the moment is supposed to be so tender and heartbreaking and the audience didnt appreciate that.. augh.

since its pride month the set was initially lit up with rainbow lights and in act ii hermes had little rainbow tassles on the ends of his sleeves!! :~D

plot / story thoughts

another context bullet point to kick us off: i discovered hadestown in the spring / summer of 2019 which was an INCREDIBLY formative time for me and so many aspects of the show (creative expression as a tool / forum for bringing about the world as it could be (and illuminating the possibilities in the world as it is), discovering that you have agency, love / loyalty / betrayal / sustenance, finding your purpose, etc.) were profoundly relevant to things that i was awakening to at that exact place and time in my own life. so i went into this experience hoping to have more insights like the kind i had when i first listened to the obcr... and i didnt really. i mean i had some but they didnt feel as profound i guess? and again that may just be me having mental health issues now that i didnt have then.. but that was a thing that i was aware of and kinda sad about. so yeah

that said... the main thing along those lines that i did take away (which really only hit me while watching epic iii / promises) is like... love is agency is love is agency is love.... or something like that. at least that they coexist and happen together. the oppressive conditions in hadestown and the poverty in the overworld strip the gods and humans alike of... their humanity (which is weird to apply to the gods but still)! their sense of self, and their love for each other and the world. the moment that became clear for me was in epic iii when the workers took off their goggles one by one and it was like.. they could See again! they could see themselves and each other, they were holding hands with each other and singing together. and they saw a future that they could create together. and hades was letting persephone dance and she kept spinning away from him with her arms outstretched like a bird but then coming back... idk. im not articulating this well and i need to think about it more and let it simmer for a bit and maybe watch a 👢 to get all the details. but it was like yeah... the opposite of capitalism imperialism etc etc is love and agency and they go together and they are the same thing.

another thing i need to think about more: orpheus went to hadestown all by himself to get eurydice! how come he was so confident then? he was LITERALLY alone. he didnt know where she went or if she would come back with him. and he didnt have the workers following him (though they were there in wait for me swinging the lamps, but i interpreted them as being like... part of the scenery i guess). he was completely alone and operating off of hope AND THE FATES TAUNTED HIM TOO and he was like... fine! so then in doubt comes in.. when he has all these people including eurydice following him... like idk. maybe its just because he'd confronted hades who couldnt fully be trusted and he knew that eurydice had turned her back on him and stuff... like maybe its just because on the journey back he'd experienced things that caused him to doubt / mistrust the people he was journeying with / from and that's what made him vulnerable, not so much the physical loneliness but the emotional loneliness that comes with a betrayal. which is something i just realized typing it out lol. but that kinda agitated me bc its like... he was FINE the way up so why did he crumble on the way back :~(

doubt comes in is such a fucking GUT PUNCH btw. i wanted to cry harder but didnt let myself bc i didnt want to be too loud or soil my mask. but i was so so scared to see it and it devastated me. its just so... SAD. and its so... like i relate to / identify with orpheus SO much yes in part because of the creative expression / seeing the two worlds thing but also because of doubt comes in specifically. its just so so so sad. he had all of these people including the person he loved most cheering him on and echoing to him. and he couldnt hear them. and he couldnt internalize how much they loved and believed and trusted in him. and he turned. that is so wrenchingly real. and it hurt so bad to see it playing out on the stage knowing what was about to happen and then WATCHING it in all the brilliant horror. like thats another insane thing the way the lights get so wildly bright. actually now that i mention that i think the lights are brighter in hadestown when bad things are happening. like hades saying I CONDUCT THE ELECTRIC CITY etc etc. that could be a whole post. someone should make that

im thinking a lot about The Song and whose song it is and actually WHICH song it is. bc if you think about it... so we're introduced to the lalalalalalalaaaa and whatever song that is which builds in the epics. and that song incites a lot of action like orpheus (quite literally!) tuning out eurydice which causes her to choose to go to hadestown, and hades realizing what love is and whatever. but another song that is equally if not more catalytic is.... IF IT'S TRUE!!!! bc thats the song that sparks the revolution among the workers and gives orpheus hope that he almost lost after learning about eurydice's betrayal and inspires eurydice to fight for something instead of succumbing to her fate. and in wait for me reprise when eurydice is singing "echoing OUR song" "the falling of OUR feet" ... like they're not alone as just the two of them, the workers are coming too!! so which song is she referring to! what if it's actually "if it's true" and the hopes that orpheus has stirred up about what the world could be?

btw speaking of orpheus tuning out eurydice... im sure this point has been made 5476463979 times but its rly interesting to think about how love languages (for lack of a better way to put it, ik that can be kinda reductive) work in this show. eurydice and orpheus both attempt to address the storm but the ways they choose to do it are different / dont align: eurydice tries to manage the short term by searching for food and firewood, while orpheus works on the song that will bring spring back and stop this kind of disaster from happening again. but iirc they dont talk about how they're going to take these two different but equally important strategies — eurydice at least interprets the song as being unimportant and orpheus just... straight up seems unaware of the food / firewood thing also being important. so theres a communication failure and eurydice interprets the silence as abandonment (for good reason, also relatable) and turns her back (ha!) on orpheus. and then with hades and persephone... hades does all these big flashy power gestures to show his love for persephone but it's the exact opposite of what she wants and they dont see eye to eye about how to express their love for each other either. yeah

speaking of eurydice making that choice... like yeah. sigh. betrayal is such a huge thing in this show. trust and betrayal. eurydice was (kind of) leading orpheus through the immediate short term danger of the storm and she turned on him. and the fact that she did was part of the reason orpheus turned on her. they made their vows in promises that they would walk side by side but he couldnt get over it (partially bc they literally weren’t allowed to physically walk as they planned but still). and eurydice said "im right behind you and i have been all along" and its like no you havent been thats the entire plot of the show lol (again for understandable reasons but still!)

another thing im sure has been analyzed 456456984 times but its interesting to think about hermes watching everything playing out while knowing how it will end and not choosing to intervene. idk what that means and my laptop is running out of battery so im not going to dig into it but im just thinking on it. BUT ALSO THAT GOES FOR US AS THE AUDIENCE like so many ppl probably know how it ends and maybe some ppl are seeing it multiple times and its like... anyone could intervene and change the story (within reason ofc). also goes for the other ppl on stage too like the musicians etc. its just interesting to think about the implications of that and what would happen if someone tried it both "in character" and "out of character" i guess

its interesting to think about the role walls play in the show too. like the wall hades is making the workers build to keep out the "enemy" and keep them (him) powerful and prosperous in their (his) isolation vs the walls repeating the falling of feet, echoing songs... letting people know theyre not alone. and the fact that that doesnt happen in doubt comes in even though orpheus is being followed by a whole crowd basically. idk. fascinating

ok those are all of my thoughts i think! i also saw some interesting posts / takes that im going to rb again bc theyre on my mind as i interpret the show but i dont want to put them in this post bc theyre not my original thoughts. ty for reading if you did :~D this is a glorious new era in rumpunch nation im so glad and grateful that i can finally say ive seen this beautiful show!

[cinnaminsvga]

When I flew to Korea. My biggest fear was starting my cycle right there on the plane🤣 cause it was due and a little late. Shout out to irregular cycles~ kidding kind of. Also mainly because the week before my flight I saw a video where the girl talked about how it suddenly happened mid flight the day she was traveling and it unlocked a new fear for me.

It waited til I entered my apartment in korea like within an hour I just was like oh no. Thank whoever was watching over me and was giving me good luck that day, and it also happened before the dinner I had to go to while I was still in the apartment. And also thankful @ myself that I packed like a 6 month supply for no reason other than just in case💀

Also sorry for the overshare I saw you got it in Japan while crouching to look at something lmao. And it activated that fear of it happening on a plane thought. I hope you got to handle that quickly or had something on you were close by so you didn’t have to tough it out. Also do you like pack let’s say your going somewhere for a week or two but you pack like 3 months of underwear you know incase you shit yourself 3 times a day every day for those two weeks and change your underwear 5 times a day for some unknown reason🤣 not that you would or that it’s ever happened but just incase that’s the one time it does. Or am I insane. It’ll be like 2 jeans 1 shorts and like 7 shirts. And pjs. But 3 months of undies and socks and period stuff)

[cont.] Can’t believe I talked about periods and shitting yourself hypothetically all in the same ask I’m so sorry🤣 My brain just caught up to that ask I just sent💀

period talk under the cut because we're bloody bitches 🌊🩸

whenever my cycle is coming up, i'll usually wear a panty liner at least two days before it's supposed to start... if the anxiety is bad (e.g. before a big flight or any event where i cant change undies) then i might even wear a whole ass pad a few days before it starts lol

lucky you that your period started before leaving your apartment HAKSDJKAS ive had experiences where im at lengthy dinner parties with no extra pads in my bag and just had to Suffer (hence why i wear dark pants most of the time... but have i started to bring pads in my bag? who can say...) but during my Squatting Incident™️, i was not close to my hotel so i was actually forced to Tough It Out for at least five more hours... it was pain, but i also got to buy an animal crossing cup for my troubles so i suppose it wasnt too bad... but the horrors... at least it didnt permanently stain my clothes 💀

i also do tend to pack a lot of pads when i travel around when my cycle starts because i do not trust international feminine products HKASDJKAS nothing against them but when youre at your lowest (i.e. your period), sometimes a little bit of home can help you a long way... I WILL SAY THO that my last period when i was in japan was unexpectedly stronger than usual... hence the whole squatting blood flood that triggered this entire conversation LMAO but yeah i ran out of pads and had to grab some from family mart... also i dont know japanese so i guess i grabbed the night time pads bc man those pads were like DIAPERS... covered my whole ass but it was thin enough that i didnt look like i was shitting my pants or smth lol

as for clothes... yes i do that thing too LMAOOO underwear is just touching WAY TOO MANY potentially disastrous areas that having extras is a necessity... i do admit though that in my past couple of travels, i have been packing more savvy than my usual anxious self... MINUS THE JAPAN TRIP BECAUSE AGAIN FOR SOME REASON I DECIDED TO PACK LIGHT??? so yeah i had to do my laundry once during the trip but that was my first time ever underpacking underwear (wow an assonance) and i had to google comprehensive steps on how to operate japanese washing machines because my social anxiety forbids me from Fumbling in Public because i think i'll be executed

anyway. i know none of you are reading all that. so tldr... ive been menstruating for years and yet somehow i am not an expert. what are the odds!!!

[kh4]

why are you on a twitter byf?

hi, youre actually not the first person to tell me this tonight! i Also have no idea why im on a blacklist. i want to clear some stuff up because i was told this three (3) times. i dont exactly like that i have to reply to this publicly because i dont even make personal posts but i think this whole thing is out of hand and has been for a while.

im putting this under a Read More because its long and im finally able to air out some of my feelings about the situation.

TLDR: devin has lurked and kept tabs on me for three years and its exhausting that i have to address it like this of all places. if you need proof or anything feel free to dm me.

this is soooo. okay so i met this person in 2019 from the best of my memory because ive been trying for about an hour to get onto my old blog but i cant remember the login at all, and she and i had done a few dms just about whatever. and then she wanted to make these two kin doubles who hated each other or something be friends again, please note we all shared the same kin, and stirred up some problems.

then, after this happened, her host (or she did? regardless she admitted that she was involved in the creation) had made a callout blog for one of them despite my attempt to steer this off from happening, and i was ignored. i think my last message to her directly, and im not kidding here, was in jan 2020 (three full years ago!).

after this i made the choice, for myself, to soft her on tumblr. i no longer wanted anything to do with the situation, i think kin drama is stupid and im sure it was more personal than kin things from what she had told me, but i had no intention of being involved further. or know any of these people. like at all. after i softed her, she made a post about taking a hiatus after she deleted the callout blog and thats it from what i know about her tumblr because it was deleted soon after iirc.

8 months later she tried to follow my twitter, and i recognized her. i considered it a lottt, but i really didnt want that kind of energy stirring up things again in my life because 2020 was an absolute fucking Disaster of a year enough. so i softed her from my twitter because of this for my own mental health.i havent had a direct message with her since early 2020.

i know nothing about her, her life, anything because i wanted as much distance from that whole situation as possible. i didnt get to know her well enough with her to call her my friend or anything, and everything that happened so soon after we did start talking really made me not feel like i wanted to be friends or get to know her better if this was her vibe. she has made posts about missing me, when i feel as though i never warranted the title of friend at all because she basically just vented to me a couple times before this started and i didnt and still dont have the energy to deal with that kind of person.

i have found out, however, she has fucking LURKED me likely for three years. shes posted about how ensemble stars reminds her of an ex friend (which, she didnt get to know me enough to be my friend, and its pretty obvious this post is about me because my special interest is ensemble stars) and i got into it in mid 2020 so she shouldnt possibly know i ever got into it without lurking me. its some creepy shit ill be honest with you.

she knew and made posts about how my psychotic ass had delusions about being w/ilbur ds-p from nov 2021- mid 2022 because i like. Was in a horrible state and related to how self destructive he was or whatever but i got better and got my life together and dont do that at all anymore. i dropped it and i have most terms blacklisted (and the series itself) because it reminds me of those racist assholes and also of a horrible time in my life im still recovering from.

i have no fucking clue how this could affect her or she would even know. seeing as this was wayyyyy beyond the time i knew her. however this proves she was lurking me to myself and people who know me personally… we're all insanely confused. shes had no reason to keep up with anything about me for three years and im pretty much sick of it haha. ive been quietly freaking out over how scary shes been acting about me and whatever idealized version of what or who i was she had assumed during the very short time i knew her because i didnt want to start anything.

thank you for reading this. i hope this stops soon because i dont want to keep dealing with something thats happened 3 years ago and it happened because i didnt even want to be involved in things. its just unfair and makes me feel insanely uncomfortable im still a hot topic for her even though she hasnt messaged me or anything since following my twitter and being softed. it makes me feel weird and its just weird to me.

[aromanticle]

i just got out of the shower and i have some thoughts to share about something that happened a few days ago

i went, with my sister, to see a psychiatrist. i didnt really want to do that cause deep down i just know that nothing a third party could ever do would truly help me in any way and the only person who can change the way i do things is myself, but that brief period i had with her actually did open my eyes. just not in a good way.

no one irl knows this but i actually have talked to a therapist online for a few months though one of those mental health related apps, a few times for free and i paid two dollars twice which actually ends up being not so cheap for me lol but i stopped because of something that was said to me. the person i talked to seemed to actually pay attention to what i said and she'd always tell me that the main problem i have in life in executive dysfunction which is very accurate. i dont actually know if the people the app provides are licensed or not and idk how trustworthy this all is but i actually feel like i had a positive experience with it for the most part. of course theres not much one can do when i only call them to talk about things that frustrate me and things i wish i could change about myself once every two weeks but at least i felt like there was someone out there who actually understands what i have to say.

my sister and i sat in front of a psychiatrist and told her we wish our mother actually gave a shit about us and did something to help her children have a better life instead of spending the day on her phone and guess what she said? "you cant change her, deal with it"

we were just around 10 minutes into our time together and my sister brought up concerns she had about me and she basically dismissed it completely, saying "but you dont have this trait" that someone would only know if they actually knew me when she had barely even talked to me at all. i always felt like i struggle with certain things that she said i have no problem with when she simply does not know me even a little bit at all. she just heard a couple things about me and assumed i am someone im not.

i said "i actually went back to school because i wanted to avoid trouble with my mom, not because i wanted to" and what she heard was "i loved going back to school". i said i used to want to be a literature professor and what she heard is "i like reading". my sister said i go to sleep too late (which is only partially correct) and she said "ok, i'll give you this so you can sleep"

i told her i gave up on the idea of being a teacher when i was 15 because i know how hard it would be to get there and thats not even what i want to do and she said "well this is a generation thing" like the reason i didn't pursue a goal i knew would lead me nowhere is because im a tiktok brained little gen z child that doesnt want to put effort into things that take time ???????? my dream is to star in a musical, i just dont have the means to do that. i know i dont. im never gonna have what i truly want so i can only chase after these smaller little things i could feasibly do but they dont last long. i know i'll never be happy as a teacher, not even as a literature professor, that's why im not gonna even try. i know this is gonna take years and im not even gonna be satisfied when i get there. im not gonna waste my time and money doing something i only kind of wanted to do, i shouldnt even have brought that up but we were talking about teaching and jobs and i thought it was appropriate to mention i once wanted to teach. not anymore.

i said i changed schools a lot. i liked the first school i went to, but my mom put me in a public school in third grade because well. it doesn't cost anything. but i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it. my mom then put me in a different school. i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it, but i knew if i said that to my mom she'd get mad. when i was in seventh grade my mom "threatened" to take me out of the school because of my grades and because i put no effort into my studies at all (because i hated going to school) so she put me back into a different school. i didnt like going there because i couldn't get used to it but i knew there was nowhere else for me to go. then i finally got to actually choose which school i was going to when i changed schools for the last time for high school. i went with a friend, so i assumed it would be easier. i hated going there. it was only at the end of my third year there that i thought "actually, i like this school. i wish i didnt change schools in third grade and stayed right here". and the psychiatrist said "you changed schools a lot so you clearly don't have a problem adapting to new environments". #girl you have talked to me for a grand total of 7 minutes.

i'm supposed to go back there and talk to her again in less than 30 days now and i am dreading the day i have to open my mouth and say a word to that woman again. i'd rather have my sister go alone or my mom or someone else and talk about me, i think i would be more helpful than if i go there and try to explain myself just for her to misunderstand everything i have to say.

[aamethyst000]

feeling so blue right now, i feel kind of stupid about it lmao - july 2,24 - 7:12pm

Dude, my 3DS fricken broke a couple of days ago and ive been sad about it ever since lmao i was almost done with my master quest on OoT!! how abosultely frusturatingg is THAT?! i was at the last temple, getting to the very last sage before finding out who sheik's other identity is. i didnt even get to start over on majoras mask or kirby. Now im on the look out for a new DS, whether it be a 2DS or a 3DS again i'll decide that when i know i have enough money for it. which will take a long while because i still dont have a goddamn job EVEN THOUGH ive applied to 3!!!! other jobs this year but absolutley no one has answered me. i fucking hate it when they just ghost me like that. i'd rather have them telll me striaght up that im not "fit" for the position i apllied for, or simply just not hired. that's all i want! not this no answer IS an answer bullshit. anyway, hired or not, im still going to be without a handheld concol for a good couple of months. maybe. it depends. i Just started decorating my 3ds with pretty stickers :( i literally wanted to go cry about it, only to be slapped with reality, about how old my 3ds is, that just made me mad lmao because my older brother's dsi is lasting LONGER and it is F I V E years OLDER than my 3ds!!! like, fuck off xD oh well, nothing i can do about it now, considering i dont even have enough money for just the repairs alone. so, im just going to buy a new ds instead. i know that is not any cheaper, but i'm impatient and i really want to finish my file on the master quest!! dammit!!

9;25pm - i just found out i cant play any gamecube games on my laptop :( the emulator is slow and laggy which kind of sucks but i am able to play them on my phone! ive finished twilight princess three times now and im on my way to finish wind waker now, which is taking a bit but only because this is my firdt time finishing on my own with out my older brother lol its okie, im an adult (with a short temper but thats besides the point) i can do this just by looking up the quest part on either youtube or wikihow, ive done it for the heart collections on twilight. i can do it for the wind waker playthrough. which i have about 3 times so far. and i think i am doing pretty well! for my first play through by myself. i can see why i had little to no interest in it when my family actually owned the game. i only remember my older brother playing WW, the others played mario sunshine or smash bros (both are the best btw). so, i dont blame younger me for not having too much interest.

july 5,24 1:11am - SSOOOOOOO UUUUHHHHHH.......shit just got a bit chaotic today! we just found out that my brothers school isnt going to continue high school classes. so they will have to go sign up for another school, IN ANOTHER TOWN BY THE WAY. my mother and i have been mulling it over almost all day today, she says that she doesnt want my younger brother to be staying with any of our family members and i agree with her. lemme explain, one aunty of mine tends to be agressive, some times downright abusive, another aunty, emotions fly like a humming bird who drank nothing but espresso, on of my cousin has a child of her own to look after, same with my cousins sister and she has two kids, all of which my brother does not know very well and will be shy like me and not talk for a long while. make him feel like being comfortable but shy and quiet about it is bad. anyway, my mother is very iffy about sending him into town for his last year of school and i get it. the last time she did that with my older brother and shit hit the roof with him. he moved in with one of our aunty's place, stayed for a few months before finally moving out because said aunty was trying to take advantage of my brother temporarily looking after our spoilt ass nephew who looked and treated his cousins as literal maids. not only that, she tried to start a fight with him and our cousin fucking did nothing but make it worse. so yeah, i get why my mother doesn't want to send my little brother into town. why is my little brother's high school life so chaotic and none of it is even HIS fault?? like DAMN universe!! fucking take a goddamn chill pill when handling my litlle brother THANK YOU!! and for my older brother, FUCKING LEAVE HIM ALONE HE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ALREADY OR I IWLL THROW HANDS

anyway, this year has been one fckn crazy year for us, thats for goddamn sure.

july 8,24 6:35pm - i keep trying to play on the family dsi, i cant seem to stay on it long like i did with my 3ds. and i really miss my 3ds, i cant believe i have to buy another one and fucking save up for that. im planning on getting a screen protector, case and a little game case for the handheld consol. be more prepared this time and all. im just so mad the dsi is lasting longer than my fckn 3ds!! lmao just fckn RUDE! anyway, what i have in my little cart on ali express says it costs up to 205 for those things all together, i was going to look on amazon but i have doubt with their electronics and such, and it is more expensive as hell. so no thanks. i think i can wait until i have enough to buy those things for my new 3ds. i just keep onn looking at my old 3ds all sad that i cant play on it for all hours of my day. oh well, i can save up money for myself, so i can save up to get a replacement and possibly other accescories for my new ds kekekeke

i forgot to mention that i went to go hang out with my friends the other day, we had shrooms and edibles for the night, it was fckn fun and kind of upsetting lmao there were certain situations where i was questioning a lot, and other situation i just straight up did not like. other than that it was quite fun tripping pretty hard like that, however sleeping was freaking difficult lmao i was literally arguing with myself in my own head about getting to bed and sleep, i just flopped around and fucking giggled at myselef like, what the hell lmao

11:23pm - good this i double checked the 3ds for anything else that i am missing and now that ive done that, it wont turn on at all, itll just lightly beep at me almost like a whisper and then itll just shut off without the screen turning on. im even more sad lmao i cant wait till i have enough for the 3ds and the cases, i really want to finish my master quest on ocorina of time. this itch wont go away until i do. i should clean my room and start on the towels soon. the house is starting to look like a tornado went into our house and i so can tell that none of us are liking it so i am hoping that one or all of us finall gather our energy to clean up the house again. we need it and the pets really need it too. i know that the messyness is affecting us all to the point we \re getting cranky. so, yeah, we need to clean up. this will help my brain get over the guiltiness of buying myself this new handheld consol and the fact that i am using a little bit of my savings. i already have cashed out a couple moolas from the band office but no more than that. i still do not trust my little brother around my savings still. so ill be keeping some in my bank while slowly cashing them out when he doesnt know that i am going there or why. to which i only go to the band office during school days. speaking of, i still dont think that he wont be able to go and graduate on time unless i move to rupert. and if i do that, that may mean that ill have to talk to my alchoholic "dad" about helping me move to an apartment and then sign my little brother up to the highschool but the thing is, the school education there is way different than the one he is used to and grew up in. which sucks cause i was excited for him to gradutate. he only has one more year to go too! it sucks so much i wish the school is starting to get their shit together during this summer cause MY GOD!! this is ridiculous. almost no teachers in highschool? i stilll cant get over that!!! any way this will be the last journal entry for a bit, good night/day readers!

[r08s]

i asked my friend of aprox 10 years to hang out. it was 11:37 when i send her the message. she was online multiple times on instagram yet nothing. i texted a “?” at 1:20. same thing: active on ig but no reply to me. finally at 4 she responds.

we meet up and i feel just…empty? i know this sounds edgy but for example if i saw her last summer, i would have been so happy and excited and i wouldn’t stop talking. but this time i just looked at her and i wanted to leave, even tho i was the one who invited her… i felt so so numb, she also pointed out my strange behavior but she didnt ask if it was because of her.

honestly the whole day 4 hours spend together seemed like im hanging out with someone who secretly hates me. she didnt say any rude remarks but everything was just odd and i almost passed out at one moment (perhaps this was also because i slept only 5 hours)

we kinda gossiped and talked about guys, we always do this, however it felt so draining? actually i dont think this is the correct word, maybe awkward? we cracked some jokes but i was really forcing myself to smile and laugh, she defo noticed this. i was also just spacing out a couple of times

when we said goodbye, i didnt feel sad as i usually do when we separate. but this time i was just done, relieved and exhausted. and also screw the uber driver who tried to make a conversation with me about stupid teslas

i now really think we’re drifting apart. we had the previous week free and we didnt get to hang out at all… the active on ig and no reply thing happened then too…despite this, she did hang out with two other girls. awesome.

i feel so lonely. ever since i was little i thought that i would grow up in this cool teenager with a huge friend group yet here i am, crying for the 38295th time in the bathroom. i really just want someone i could talk to. someone who replies to me all the time. someone who appreciates me. someone with who i would never be awkward or uncomfortable with. someone who wouldn’t judge me. someone who would jump off a bridge if i also jumped. someone who i’d consider my best friend. someone who’d consider me their best friend. maybe i already met this person and maybe im the problem because of my stupid anxiety and my stupid undiagnosed depression and my stupid attachment issues and my stupid self as a whole.

today i had planned to tell my friend about some of the thing mentioned here but i guess i couldn’t bring myself to do it. she really asked me if something is wrong but i just shut her down.

maybe i will tell her next time. but how? or maybe the real question is when? i mean, ive been the one who mostly began the convos. i really am going to wait for her to just say something.

(today is saturday) not the upcoming week, but the next one it will be my birthday (im celebrating it by visiting paris so it will be no actual party with friends, just family). but i do wonder what she is gonna do then. like, just a hbd text or something more? tbh that “something more” could be even a bday card, i’d be really happy for one. i dont wanna sound selfish but i truly think i deserve something from a friend i’ve known for a whole decade, a friend who i love(d?) so much, i even bought her a gucci perfume so yeah i do deserve something a bit bigger than a one-minute happy bday text. again, it doesnt need to be extravagant, just something to show if she really cares about me, about our friendship. even my classmates, who ive known for only 6 months, are going to make me a surprise.

or maybe im just miserable and lonely. perhaps i shouldnt be spending my bday in paris but rather in a therapy session.

also i need to buy a new mascara since my maybelline sky high has been kind of dry. also as i said, rn im crying and yet the mascara isnt running down my face in the dramatic way as it should be..