#the last time we went I was like 7
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Going to Miskolctapolca cave pool would fix me
#the last time we went I was like 7#but it had such a vibe#they had a room where only the pool was lit very dimly and the ceiling had lots of tiny lights and it looked like a night sky#don't mind me I was watching Contrapoints play Pools yesterday#spam
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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#it went!!! idk lately my pain treshhold has been so low bc im in pain all the time#so i just dont wnna be in pain anymore... he said that now it'll still hurt for a few days T-T#but he wasnt exactly sure what it was but i had.. a cavity??#im not rlly sure abt the english terms for all of this but the tooth is dying lol#but instead of immediately killing it nd getting a root fill he said that we should give the tooth a chance#so he fixed what he could fix#i hate dentist treatments bc of all the air nd water nd my anxiety i need to swallow constantly#but this time i actually told them abt it nd he was very helpful sksks#he even said 'ok now take a break nd swallow' so i didnt need to be so anxious#nd it was a relief bc he wasnt bad at all. he was actually rlly nice nd easy to talk to phewww#it cost abt $80 so i can manage to be without that until next week!!!!#so yeah it went much better than i had anticipated so im happy abt that#but yeah the problem still isnt 100% fixed yet so im still not relieved#he said i had a cavity in my other tooth as well but that we needed to check that at another time#im so frustrated bc i brush my teeth 2/day i use mouthwash i floss....#and for the last 7 months i havent even had any sugar!!!!! like why did this still happen.. o.o#oh nd he also said that i probably clench my teeth nd yeah i do that a lot more than i've realized#your teeth arent supposed to be touching!! never!! only when u eat#my teeth.... are touching pretty much all day omg. bc im so tense nd anxious#he said that he couldnt be sure bc he didnt have enough info to go on but that could have contributed to this#well well... i did it nd went even if i didnt want to#hopefully my tooth will be better now. nd i have another appt in may to see what i could get done further#if financial aid for it gets approved tho it might not#but yeah.. god dental pain nd issues is my no. 1 fear bc im poor nd i cant afford it
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You know I was thinking. Since I was a ten year old and boys would ask me out as a joke, cos I was the fat autistic ginger nerd who no one wanted to be friends with, and they found that hilarious, up to being rejected recently by hookups in the past few months cos I'm not far enough in my transition or I'm too fat or too ugly or too much for some people, I've dealt with rejection and people laughing at me instead of loving me my whole pre teen-adult life.
Just thinking of damage done by a cis and heteronormative world, and how queer love is so healing and joyful and wonderful, and how I feel, at nearly 33, ready to commit to someone and be in it for the long haul because they like me DESPITE all my flaws. They love me for me and I love them for them and they're wonderful to me. They've never said an unkind word to me (and i believe them wholly that they never will and never have to anyoen else either). They've never asked anything of me that is unreasonable or I can't do. They've not laughed or run a mile when I talk about access needs like my chair, their only request being that they can still hold my hand while I show them off to the world.
It's been six months of 'getting to know you' and having fun together indulging in shared fandoms and writing together. For me, it's been about four-three months of pining and wanting. A little less time wishing and not daring to hope because I'm definitely punching above my weight lmao.
Idk. Something something queer love is being seen at your worst and not being judged. Queer love is joy, and happiness. Queer love is healing past trauma and being in it *together*. Queer love is everything.
And you know what for the first time in a long long time I'm gonna do some linocut guidelines and get them printed and transfer them to blocks and make some heartfelt art. Because they inspire me. They're my Muse, my love.
Bonus ramble in the tags about former unrequited and toxic 'love'.
#hadley tag#this is a hadley appreciation blog now and im not sorry#i didnt think love could be or feel like this#makes me wodnwr if the 'love' ive had before was love at all#when my last ldr went wrong and she ghosted me after 7 years of friendship and more#it destroyed me but with hindsight she was trying to make me someone im not#i was dieting on and off. unhappy with myself. unhappy in rhe music i was bzcked into liking for her sake bc she hated the music i wanted to#listen to. i had long hair. presented high femme. the day i came out to her as genderqueer she blovked me on everything. on christmas eve#no less. she broke my heart but i look bsck and it was unrequited. i was a good excuse for her to come and live in the uk but thats it#Once she had 'cooler' friends and a boyfriend she cheated on me with she ditched me#and I'll never forgive her for that. ill never forgi e her for the years afterward thT i was damaged goods#because she ruined me mentally.#but im healed now. im healING now. im ready to let myself be happy again#im ready to feel the whole gamut of love and affection and all of that#im ready to love and be loved. see and be seen. feel wanted and make them feel wanted too.#its going to be a long wait til we can meet but once xmas is out of the way this year im going to save up with hadley and were going to make#time for each other and meet and then we see where we go from there :>#im so happy i 'met' them#the good omens fandom is magic i stg
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ghhh i miss being in israel so bad
#like yeah it sucks ass there but istg i miss it so bad#like my view of being there is very specific because it’s always like just for family and friends no work or school or anything but still.#i need the vibes and the food and sjfkkf#i need the food so bad#theres like nearly nothing good to eat in aus unless you eat out#and im aware the good food in israel is eating out too BUT there is a difference between the expensive food in australia and the pastries in#israel which are like 14 shekels for 3 pastries and thats like a whole meal ur full#14 shekels in AUD would be roughly like. $5#ah shir#$5.60#meanwhile to get actually good food here its like 13$ for hotpot (which is cheap for food here)#or like 25$ for lasagna#and like what else is there. no clue i dont know#at least this one supermarket finally stocks israeli pickles again FINALLY#and the good brand too#finally had people (my parents) telling me off for eating pickles and drinking milk like one after the other as if thats not a normal thing#(its not a normal thing)#(but its my thing. pickles and milk <3)#omg once in israel right#i was at my paternal grandmas house with my dad grandma and my dads friend#and we were playing cards and shit and eating pickles#and i just sort of ate one pickle in like one bite i guess?? idk? (and these are like the medium 7-9 in a can not even small 10-11 in a can)#and this just made my dads friend CRACK UP like it was rhe funniest thing hed seen#like my guy u grew up with nu pogodi. youve seen funnier#but whatever it was hilarious he found it so entertain how i just practically swallowed it up#hes so silly i love him#i dont think i saw him last time i went to israel cos i was only there like tue-fri like 3 nights or something#fjdjkgkfjt i miss israel so much#such a shithole but its my shithole <3 miss it so much
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Tell me of a sentimental item(s) you have
I wanna listen to the story about who gave it to you or how you got it
Is it with you every day? Is it somewhere safe?
#Ill share mine♡#I have a ring from my grandmother a gold bracelet and silver bracelets from my mother a pandora bracelet from my in laws and a stitch plush#from my love#My grandmother one day saw my mom wearing a ring that matches my engagement ring and said how pretty#we werent even dating and completely forgot about black friday (my bday landed on that day that year) when he asked his mom to take#my mom told my grandma that i gave it to her (my mom) and next time my mom visited my grandma#my grandma comes out of her room holding a ring she had since she was a little girl!#my grandma was orphaned at 5 and stayed only a few years with her evil aunt and uncle (they took everything her parents left her)#and when she ran away was able to take back some of her mothers jewelry. My grandma wanted to trade rings with my mom#My grandma wears my ring every day and i wear hears#My mom gave me 7 silver (my fave precious metal) for my golden birthday and the gold bracelet has my family nickname on it#it was customed made with some of her leftover gold jewelry (we were poor and she had to pawn almost all she owned to pay bills#and lost so much when she couldnt repay money) my grandfather spoiled her and my aunts and uncle so much when he was alive#my mom doesnt regret pawning jewelry but she still hurts from losing it#The bracelet fits big on me (its one you need to use a pin to push down to unlock) and it can just slide out if i wiggle my wrist#The pandora bracelet is a simple silver one with heart lock and i only have 2 charms on it#a stich charm and a graduation charm. i got stitch with bracelet on Christmas a few years back and graduation when i got my bachelors#the stitch plush was given to me freshman year of high school by hubby#before we even stared dating#he forgot black friday (day my bday landed on) when he went to mall to get me a present#that stitch was my comfort item like it went almost everywhere with me (it has had to be restuffed twice cause he gotten flat)#and has stayed safe in plushie heaven for last 2 years (its a hanging pink net hammock for stuffed animals) cause#a giant squishmallow stitch is my pillow and a unicorn squishmallow (was my previous pillow) take up all the space
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ugh there it goes
#our promotion 😢😢#1st place is gone#today was tough our opponents were all way better than us#we only won 1 match out of 6#now they're leading our league well we should at least win our last matchday and get 2nd place#the no1 seed was in another league from ours 6:0 6:0 altough she's quite a good player at our club#we only won one doubles match altough they were not as good by far as their other players#and all the matches were quite one sided they were also way higher rated than us#i also lost my match 😫 altough it was quite close actually but that is even worse sometimes idk#i certainly could have won idk why i didn't i mean there were not many chances but they were there#i lost 5:7 4:6 ugh 😭#maybe with a better serve i would have won#but i was 5:4 up and i didn't win that point like that's when you have to be there and make it#i think this might just be one of my weaknesses i'm really good at conebacks and believing in that i'll win but i have to be more effective#and 'cold' when it matters sometimes i'm quite wasteful with my chances#i often make the craziest most difficult shots which are 'impossible' to get back but then fail at the easiest one's#especially in the crucial moments maybe i should play it safe more and be more patient#nah but winning that first set would have changed everything because 3rd sets are more likely to be my advantage with my speed and fitness#and in the 2nd i was just always one behind i always caught up but never went ahead#my serve also wasn't really there today and my 2nd serve is still too weak opponents take advantage and if i have a bad 1st serve percentage#like today it makes it difficult to win my own serve and i also made many double faults (4) 😕#i aced her once tho 🤪#but my serves are sometimes great but very inconsistent dependent on the day (the 2nd one always bad)#my backhand also wasn't as good as usualy i hit a lot of them out but it got better altough then i took many with my forehand which worked#and my opponent had riddiculous stops they wouldn't go up the ground again 🫠#and she was so good at net and also whenever i went there she'd pass me or lob me 😅#i gave up doing that very soon my best shot at this was just hitting winners and hitting balls deep to her forehand#i succeeded at that a couple of times but it was not enough#i mean i didn't play badly but what a shame#she was very nice though and very fair it was a pleasant match and she told me she was the best opponent she encountered in the league
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#ehhh i’ll probably regret using tumblr like a diary later#but sometimes i want to share a little story from my little life#went to a röyksopp concert in Amsterdam last night#and my two friends and me ended up in the middle of what was very obviously#a polycule and/or a group of queer friends#consisting of 7 dilfs and one (1) woman (squad goals tbh)#and seeing them dance and have a good time with each other was so lovely#like good for u gents we love to see older queer people thriving#also one of them was extremely attractive to me (RIP) and i really tried my best not to stare at him#because being a creep isn’t cool#but in my defence he looked like a tall and muscular izzy hands#complete with grey beard and slicked back grey hair and earring and tattooed arms#and like one hour into the show my friend leaned in and said#did you notice that man kind of looks like izzy#and i was like yes darling i have actually been wildly aware of this fact for the past hour or so#and the show was SO good and röyksopp themselves were clearly having a blast too#bc they went “oh im sure we could do one more? would you like one more? shall we just keep this going?”#they ended up playing for THREE hours#my knees are wrecked from dancing ahahah#do you know that feeling that you get sometimes when you’re totally in the moment#and everything is actually perfect#and you are also able to appreciate the fact that this is a moment of perfect happiness#they usually only last about 30 seconds maybe but they’re so good?!!#just felt so lucky to be sharing a beautiful night with the beautiful people of this world <3
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If they keep the “reds aren’t allowed to be friends with yellows/greens” rule on Limited Life I am going to start biting
#Me Talking#StopLife series#limited life smp#Greens and yellows have already been allowed to be friends and green/yellow this time around isn't functionally different from yellow/red#I had trust issues in the beginning of limited life; I couldn't let myself get attached to any group#because I remembered last life where almost none of the first-session factions survived together#and this time it's been different! Inter-faction boogeys haven't been happening and everyone's been being a team#and now I'm invested in the Clockers and the TIES and the Bad Boys and all the factions as FACTIONS#(which side note I think was a big part about why we all went insane about third life)#(and why I didn't enjoy Last Life as much and then enjoyed Double Life with its built-in factions more)#(and was initially worried about limited life because of the bogey mechanic coming back even though the bogey mechanic is cool and fun)#And factions can fall apart in the endgame. Betrayals can happen. That's fun and cool (and both of those happened in third life)#but breaking up a faction because one of the members went red just kinda feels bad#I get why they did it in last life. I get that in third life reds being able to be part of factions changed how being red worked/felt#and everyone on a faction with a red being able to kill made reds vulnerable rather than dangerous#but on limited life reds aren't as vulnerable. They have like 7 more deaths left. And reds also aren't the only ones allowed to do violence#so come on. Let the TIES keep their team. Don't break up the Clocker family. Let the finale keep the factions we're invested in
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(hopefully) gonna make μελομακάρονα with my mum tomorrow :D
#i am cursed#every time I make μελομακάρονα or κουραμπιέδες with ANYONE something goes wrong#the last time I made one of those and it went right was before γιαγιά‘s dementia started to sink in#i was like. 7?#anyways here’s to hoping we can make good μελομακάρονα tomorrow#love μελομακάρονα#con rambles
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imo everyone on earth should be talking about Him (don't want this showing up in the tag even though it's not a diss) but everytime i go to the tag and there's only like 3 new posts i'm like. oh yeah almost no one cares except me and like 5 other ppl on here
i ran out of tags KFHSJENNXN i don't think that's literally ever happened to me before anyways don't read them because it's just me being insane as per usual
#most of his indirects on twitter are from people in diff asian countries as well and ik he's doing an asia tour soon(?)#bruh he's never coming back to the usa is he 😭😭😭 i need him in chicago i miss him so bad#i feel very ugly emotionally rn still bc i was reading all of the rando ass dating rumors of him last night LMAO and it pissed me off#i know i have no right to get mad and i'm being irrational but at the same time like. everyone is just like 'omg he's so in love rn'#bc his music has been very angsty and like. idk... conflicted? but his new song was very happy and sweet and very In Love Sounding#and i already know all his music is about one person bc he always talks about the same shit (he's very predictable i see right thru him)#and he's putting out a new song called 'shining' and he has been talking abt a person being his light/shining on him for the last 7yrs atp#so like. that's how i know it's about one specific person and i don't think he has moved on LMAOOO so unless he was dating the same random#7yrs ago i don't think he's dating any of the people they bring up tbh... i pay attention to these things not to brag or anything but like#being attentive to the people i love and noticing inconsistincies in their behavior and when they act diff is like. the only skill i have#at least irt other people LMAO like honestly i wrote all the lyrics he ever wrote down in a google doc and it shows a clear trajectory#that starts like... innocently and just gets more fucked up and toxic as it goes. and ppl say he's one of the most sane ppl they know#meanwhile he's been writing songs about 1 person for nearly 10 years and they get progressively more desperate and insane#I'M JUST SAYING. i completely forgot what my original point was but i guess it was most likely that. no one pays attention to him like i do#the songs started being about this person at the same time i started liking him and having dreams about meeting him btw#and they got progessively more uh. spiteful and desperate and weird as the years went on. did i mention i cast a spell on him 😐#and he literally says shit like 'it's impossible for me to move on' 'i don't care about anyone else' 'it's like i'm possessed' etc#and after we met at his concert he got really into saying shit like 'that one night wasn't enough' and 'the spotlight between us'#&the ever-famous 'i like the way you look at me' 'my eyes are on you' 'focus on me just look at me' when all i did was look at him all night#if you're reading this right now and thinking 'celeste do you seriously believe a kpop guy has been writing songs about you for 7 years?'#you should remember who i am and how i reacted to ***** having a gf (that i guessed exactly right months before he revealed it)#i'm schizophrenic 🤷♀️ but the guy i'm into was the one who started my fascination with soulmates and destiny and fate and shit like that#you know it's funny i mention that because he also started writing about that!!!!! in his songs!!! crazy#and he talks about the person making it hard for him to sleep and wanting to meet them in his dreams again and whathaveyou#i mean even in his two newest title tracks he says 'i'm frustrated in the studio the only melody that comes out is for you' and#'i want to turn everything about you into a song' in the newest one... hm.#and btw he announced his album right when i admitted i was in love with him again to my family (they know my insanity LMAO)#and he releases a song about being happy and in love and listening for someone's voice from far away to reach him/vice versa?????#right when i get back into him???#it's my fave color & his fave color & he's releasing it in my birth month like. i know billions of coincidences are a thing but it's crazy
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Rewatched OFMD for my presentation and I don't know how I managed to be normal about Izzy for months but I sure as fuck am not normal about him right now
#the presentation went great btw i sent the link to watch it to like 7 people and we talked queerbaiting afterwards#i'm so sorry i'm incapable of being normal about this guy#(i lied i'm not sorry i love being insane about characters)#also last time i watched the show i was redesigning meredith and i gave her his little waistcoat thingie#so now i'm just going to full on draw canon her and vtm her 'cosplaying' as him#personal headcanon is she doesn't have rings readily accessible (alchemist who puts her hands in stuff all the time)#so canon her was like 'didn't have a ring oopsie'#and cécilia gives her one of hers#listen i fucking love that ring detail. no notes can't wait to know the backstory#god i hope ed gave it to him that would be. insane.#ANYWAY#the fic i'm reading has me frothing as the mouth too like holy SHIT#exactly like with pacify i wish THIS was canon so i could go be insane about it with a tonne of other people#but alas. it's not.#wow i have a ramble tag now
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just read a take about how 58-34-88 should play together in the playoffs bc we’ve had a baffling lack of offense without them, and i’d just like to say........... that is incorrect
#FLKJSDKLF. sorry i need to rant but like. they went stale so we moved lines and then ppl go injured and we've#been ever-shifting since then.#barely any constants..#with the trade deadline and random injuries.... keefe let 16 and 34 play together for 5 mins and they dominated n then switched to#58-34-19 and they got great chances but didnt capitalize for multiple games in a row.. then guess what happened when he switched them back#and stacked the top 2 lines w ror on the second..#idk how u look at the last 2 games and say we have no offense lmfao#esp considering tonight we were playing someone desperate for a spot with an extremely hot goaltender and we had multiple great#scoring chances..... like yeah it wasnt pretty but LOL we were playing 11/7 with#random forwards dropping like flies and a new guy#also. the times weve seen 16 with 91 in the past couple weeks havent been great or giving the spark they hoped lol#whether it was 91-90-16 or 88-91-16 or whatever the fuck like#we need to go with the stacked top 2 lines and keep ror up there honestly. we're getting our chances#i think its stupid to act like we've been struggling lately after a back to back win like this LKFJDSKLFJ#why does everyone hate 58-34-16 in the playoffs so bad like what is the problem..#its literally not the cores fault they lost last yr at all.. they didnt get 'smothered' like everyone implied lmfao#it was bad luck and bad defending/goaltending as a whole like get it together.#EVERYTHING cant be a problem#ANYWAY.. IM OVER THAT NARRATIVE.. FUCK U. im having fun#(and scene.)
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SNORK FUCKING MIMIMI
#my day started at 11AM. ELEVEN. AM. let that sink in. and has just now ended at 3am. (three in the morning. am. 3am. three am.)#i am SLEEPY i cant feel MY LEGS#like we all got ready at 11am. we went to spoons breakfast. we pre'd until like 2/3#AND THEN WE WENT TO THE HORSE RACES! BC THERE WAS A STUDENT DAY THING! IT WAS SO FUN! MUCH BETTER THAN LAST TIME!#and we were there until like? 9? i think?#and then we come home to get our shit together. had a chinese. drank some more. and then we went to the club#and we stayed until close bc when i TELL YOU the dj did not play a single skip song#it was just banger after banger i think ive lost my voice#but oh my god my POOR LITTLE LEGS#I WAS IN HEELS THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS AT THE RACES#6/7 HOURS IN HEELS JUST TO TAKE THEM OFF TO GO CLUBBING??? OW#IM GOD'S STRONGEST SOLDIER TBFH#ALL THAT WAITRESSING DID ME GOOD APPARENTLY MY FEET ARE STRONGER THAN SISYPHUS ON THEIR OWN#FUCK THAT ROCK BOY#ow. ow ow ow. but it was such a good day so idc. i met a guyyyyy <3#i also fucking body checked this one girl and i feel a bit bad bc she was so clearly having her teen coming of age moment in the club#like white girl dancing hands over her head twirling etc. unfortunately for her AND ME that involved bumping into me repeatedly#and like? she kept turning to us to try make us dance with her but me and my mates were having a lot of fun in our little trio so we didn't#which yeah maybe that was mean but tbh if someone did that to me id take no for an answer the first time instead of repeatedly doing it#like she was acting like she was empowering us and freeing us from the shackles of insecurity when rlly we were just like girl no#and she WOULD NOT GET THE FUCK OFF ME like zero spacial awareness to her#the irony of clubs is like yeah obvs ur surrounded by people but it's also looked down upon if ur seriously in someone's space#so i just wasn't having it and in the end i just fully fucking SHOVED her off lmfaoooo. sorry girlie <3#like i felt embarassed for her bc of it like she was so in her own little world and i absolutely ruined it but idc#be aware of other people and their comfort bitch!#anyway yeah it was very fun all in all <3#hella goes to uni
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I feel so horrible
#last evening i spilled tea it was obv an accident but i should have been more careful it was through a too careless action#some spilled on the book i got from the library. i thought that was the worst part#a bit spilled on my laptop. very little. while i was busy with the book my mom wiped my laptop#my brother immediately turned it off & told me to keep it upside down overnight#so i put it upside down. for hours. at least 4. before that i picked it up to look i could still see the water#but my laptop reacted to me picking it up & showed the battery percentage on the screen like it does#i didnt do anything else and put it back upside down. so again later i picked it up to check#it look dry. this time it didnt react to my ''touch'' to me picking it up#i didnt think anything. i wanted to do something on my laptop and tried powering it on. idk if that was a mistake or not#but it didnt react. the night is over it's almost noon it's still not turning on. it's been in rice the whole night#but honestly i dont even know if that actually helps. i know it's a popular method but idk#my brother works in IT he knows computers he said he'd unscrew & remove the storage disk to be safe#and to call someone they know who repairs computers. neither of these things happened yet bc we dont have the right screw#my brother i believe asked the neighbor#i'm not really hopeful. i've slept 4 hours last night bc i was so worried i couldnt sleep#went to sleep at 3 woke up at 7 couldnt sleep again#i said i'm not hopeful but one thing about me i never think bad things like this could happen to me so there's always this#''it's not real this isnt happening'' in me. i wish it wasnt bc if it turns out to be real it devastates me#i feel i get swayed so easily by things going wrong. it just immobilizes me#it happened when my luggage got lost. i was completely scatter brained fully gone when it happened#i was staying at my aunt's place. she poked fun at me for how much it affected me. said i have euros i could raplace my clothes#i spent four days this way. i was there to see a friend. i felt i was robbed from truly having a good time. it was our first time meeting#i cried every single day. called the airport lost & found every single day. this one thing occupied my whole being#i got my luggage back but what i'm getting at is for one i actually got it back so it wasnt a real bad thing that happened. it got fixed#and two it just had me in its clutches this one incident. so now my laptop wont turn on i cant think of anything else#cant do anything else. and although it looks real and i DONT want to be hopeful so i can let go and not be devastated when i find out#it's irreparable. idk where i'm getting at with this. except idk i really really really want it to work again#nesi rants
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well... my wife has blood clots in her lungs again
#we spent all of sunday evening and monday at the hospital#I had to go home because they didn't have space for me so I couldn't stay there this night#now I'm just sitting here quietly going insane#she's fine and stable they have her on a blood thinner iv drip but I'm still just like.. in shock#everything went much smoother and less openly transphobic than last time and she actually got the meds she needed instead of just ibuprofen#It's just fucking awful to have to go through again#at least there's no dead/necrotized lung tissue this time#the clots just got exceedingly close to her heart which is why they have her on 24/7 heart monitoring at the cardiovascular department rn#I'm just having hard time keeping it together alone...
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