#cant do anything else. and although it looks real and i DONT want to be hopeful so i can let go and not be devastated when i find out

[meracyn]

aaaahahhhj ur already one of my fav writers ur so funny 😭 reading ur work makes my dau sm better

if u dont mind can u write hcs of kaito being shuichis wingman? shuichi tells kaito he has feelings for the reader but is too nervous to ask them out, so kaito decides to take matters into his own hands and help him plan moments where shuichi can confess his feelings

also can I be mochi anon?

kaito as shuichi’s wingman

THIS MADE ME SO HAPPY TYSM I CANT STOP RUNNING LAPS AROUND MY HOUS TY ANON AND YES YOU CAN 🙏 btw this request is so CUTE UGH i might do a fic of it too

off topic but i was about to post this accidentally lmao

ok sorry giys back on topic

when kaito hears shuichi tell him he has feelings for you, he immediately whacks him on the back, congratulating him

“congrats shuichi! you’re becoming a real man!”

cue shuichi debating whether or not he regrets ever telling kaito about his lil crush

now when they both see you around, kaito tells him to go up to you and just confess

“oh look there’s y/n! go ahead and tell ‘em how you feel!” like some dad or something

shuichi refuses, feeling too nervous to even go up to you, so he tries to avoid you and kaito’s pressure to just confess already

which might give you the wrong idea that he doesn’t want to talk to you :(( he’s just so overwhelmed with his feelings that being around you makes his heart want to burst

its ok though kaito motivates him by giving him long pep talks and support, thinking about ways shuichi can get your attention and like him back

although they both dont know you already do lmao

it does help shuichi but his confidence goes away the moment he sees you

“okay i think i got this now, im nervous but im sure i can tell them how i feel”

kaito feels so proud and pushes shuichi further as soon as they spot you nearby

“you got this! remember what i taught you!” kaito says to him before going to hide somewhere to watch the scene unfold

shuichi nervously walked over to you and took a deep breath, closing his eyes

“hey shuichi, do you need something?” you asked with a smile

as soon as he opened his eyes it all went away

poof

just freezes entirely not saying anything

“are you okay?” you asked after a solid minute

“i....have to go” ran off lmao

kaito is so disappointed 😔

“you almost had it man! it was your chance! what would y/n think about you now?” kaito sighs

so now they have to think of another plan

kaito probably turns into a secret detective, watching you from afar to see what your likes and dislikes are

has to be careful or he’ll be called out as a stalker 😭

as soon as he knows enough he gives ‘hints’ to shuichi

“oh wow, looks like something y/n would like” trying to be all sneaky about it

kaito would also “arrange” hangouts between the three of you and suddenly give some shitty excuse to leave you both alone

“you have to learn my son”

“kaito what the fu–”

jk that wouldnt happen

imagining shuichi saying that though is so funny for some reason

sorry i got distracted

back on topic

scolds shuichi for chickening out at the last moment, saying how he had a lot of work to do and stuff

eventually gets tired of shuichi’s bullshit

“alright shuichi do you want to earn y/n’s love? then man up! you aren’t some little kid anymore to run away from your feelings, today is the day you’ll confess, got it? i’ll help you out”

kaito makes shuichi write you a note and leave it in your locker, about meeting each other at the school’s rooftop

before you arrive kaito supports him by telling him what to say, and act towards you

“listen shuichi, this has to be perfect, ya hear me!? it’s now or never! if you don’t man up now, someone else will steal them, do you want that?” kaito got stressed too 😭 mans wants this to be over with already

as you got there, shuichi was standing there mentally preparing himself

“the view is so pretty from up here” you said, trying to make conversation

shuichi took a deep breath, “yeah..um, y/n, i invited you here because...well...uh...i need to tell you something” shuichi starts, trembling slightly

this guy is sweating bullets and his face feels so hot

you, on the other hand was patiently waiting for what he had to say

“..i admire you a lot. there’s so much to admire about you, really–” taking a deep breath he continued, “from your strength, to courage and kindness.. and..because of that.. i developed feelings for you...what i mean to say is i like you y/n, more than a friend”

silence

he did it

HE DID IT‼️‼️‼️

kaito can barely contain his excitement as he silently cheered, he just has a sense that told him shuichi did it

you may imagine what your response is lol

shuichis so happy now

RELIEVED ASF

‘i finally did it, they like me back what do i do now so i hug them or ask if we’re officially together or or or’ — shuichis mind rn

“well..do you wanna go out for a coffee sometime this week? just the two of us together?” you asked

“ah..of course” shuichi is so happy he doesnt even know how to act

all giddy and shi lmao

hes probably the type to scream into his pillow when he gets a text from his crush out of happiness

and acts as if nothing happened afterwards

he needs to show he can be a dominant male 🐺

jokes jokes dont hate me pls

we cant just casually ignore the fact kaito was a w wingman

so once he gets out of his ‘hiding’ place hes already whacking shuichi on the back and saying they need to go out to celebrate

kaito is w

[sout999]

adhd talk

the third truly unsung project alongside my film and dissertation was the weird amount of targeted effort i had to put into Completing Anything Big As A Neurodivergent Person Whose Brain Is A Crazy Off The Rails Train Staffed and Patronised Entirely By Multiple Exact Copies Of The Squirrel From Ice Age

which is a description like 99/100 people reading this can relate to, but i think a sentiment i see less often and therefore feel kind of stupid and stubborn and lonesome about is "adhd is innate but is also exasperated by hectic lifestyle/modern instant gratification machines so if i fix my habits around those i can cure myself forever". which is silly and wrong but also i feel abit disconnected from adhd social media culture and cant cope just relating to it (which is all it seems to be sometimes) but learning to harness or tame it to do the things that are really important to me

i felt really cringe tbh having to look up youtube videos of HARVARD STUDENT REVEALS PRO STUDY TRICK and then narrowing it down to specifically adhd-focused study videos and keeping a planner and setting aside specific time to study studying and practising anti-academic meltdown journaling techniques and reading fucking atomic habits but i really didn't want to contribute to my abhorrent academic record following me all through undergrad. in fact i wish i had done this sooner but i was not self aware enough to consider the fact

probably the best change i made was severely cutting down or being mindful of social media time, i don't backread my tl anymore and have more moments of awareness when i find myself dumbly scrolling and realize i dont want to be doing this, and then wondering what i actually Do want to be doing. i keep a book nearby to read, and have also swapped a lot of social media time to sketching-off-pinterest time. reading about the psychology behind social media apps is also super interesting, although i always feel like a paranoid wacko conspiracy theorist talking about it. stuff like how negativity and judgemental behaviour is good for engagement (and therefore ad revenue), and how if all posts on your tl were interesting you wouldn't be as addicted to social media as you are, therefore microblogging employs a slot machine/gacha system where you "roll" for posts by logging on and hope to get a good one. it's a little full on but the more i think of it as a revolting and evil machine the more incentive i have to do something else with my time ^q^

a harder thing to do was, in the late stages of the project, the real crunch time month, avoid everything that could become a huge hyperfixation, and then eventually even minor distractions or fixations. because i know if i got super obsessed with something i'd just be up posting about it or drawing fanart. i had to bar myself from persona 3 remake and elden ring dlc and all these other shiny new releases, and the mobile games i was playing... i look forward to catching up on them now. i took up reading books a lot more because unfortunately thats just not as exciting. in the last month of film work i stopped listening to music on my computer so i wouldnt get drawing or animation ideas to distract me from film work. as of writing this i havent listened to music in like 40 days guys 😱 at the same time i am the kind of person who needs background noise to work, so i have:

watched novum's four hour hereditary video essay three times

watched novum's seven hour midsomar video essay three times

watched that one five hour bojack horseman retrospective twice

listened to audiobooks of the Britney Spears biography, Jennette McCurdy biography, three Playboy Bunny biographies (i was on some sort of lady bopgraphy kick i guess), and a few fiction books

rewatched all of bojack horseman

started on House MD and got a few seasons in before i finished the project, amazingly the perfect show to look away from bc of all the medical stuff, how many lumbar punctures do you need to show like seriously

honorable mention to the learned skill of communication and being honest and picking your battles and killing your darlings which is a larger part of managing mental illness than i cared to admit but one of the hardest ones because it involved confronting things and making big painful drastic changes and then having to tell the faculty about them. sometimes i'd be stuck on a piece of animation work for weeks/months, then go back and change the underlying idea to one i'm actually passionate about, and do the animation work in one day using newly found magical hyperfocus passion power. it's crazy! but being able to be confident about taking those steps rather than keeping on with what you're "supposed" to do went a long way.

i very much look forward to listening to a music and playing some video games properly now and being pulverized like a small victorian child from the sheer amount of fun i'm having. i'd say it was all worth it and a fun experiment in channeling the magical humours of passion and boredom and i hope it will help me with future projects too. i Am super burnt out though x__ x thanks for reading and for all your support up until now!

[fictionfixations]

Kalim in RSA (and I get off-topic)

Spoilers for Book 4 and 5 (im sorry jamil enjoyers. but im so biased towards kalim its not even funny)

(this spiraled into me talking all about kalim in the actual game so oops)

imagine how different the story would be if kalim was in RSA

and we just hear from jamil about these snippets about his 'master' (although itd be weird they'd be separated if jamil tended to him often to where he'd prob be like his personal servant? idk what situation would have jamil talk to us anyway but yknow maybe we get close, he's like the other friend who seems cool? he'll basically help us out with knowledge about things, fleshing out the world a bit more, as the only sophomore in the group cause he kind of feels responsible maybe? then BETRAYAL)

and then eventually partway through the school year KALIM IS THERE (we know why though) and he somehow ends up housewarden.

i have a dislike against RSA. its very petty and its kind of because they keep winning (and they dont even mean ill intent which is worse! …but its kind of like kalims kindness. and i like kalim but that might make me biased. SO. thus the existence of this.)

we probably wouldnt like him much right? (and i imagine he'd get his fair share of bullies. we find this out. he laughs it off like 'nah, im used to attempted assassinations and everything. this isnt nearly as bad.')

(id do the clapping between but ppl get annoyed, and i get annoyed) CUE KALIM BEING MORE THAN SMILES AND WE LEARN THAT ABOUT HIM !!

HES aware enough that he can cook food good using JUST magic (which takes precision to use it as good or even better than your hands right??. its in his labwear vignette. ruggies teaching him ofc so ruggie wants it to be good cause hes taking leftovers, BUT CMOONNN he can learn. ..and yeah it took a few years for jamil to teach kalim antidotes to common poisons so he could do it easy but kalims hardly a master at making potions so i call that good)

AND in book 5 he noticed vil had like the same look as jamil to where he knew something was going to go wrong (aka the poisoning)

maybe its to show how much kalim doesnt belong in NRC and thats why they dont pull the 'more than he looks at first glance' like cater with glimpses in vignettes and etc

but like COME ON.

the sultan might be dumb (i recently re-watched aladdin) but at least he knew enough that he didnt want jafar marrying his daughter cause hes OLD and also he doesnt want to force jasmine into anything (good intentions. im sure if they just waited and she didnt find a suitor in time he would've just CHANGED THE LAW like he did IN THE MOVIE because he wants her to be happy!)

ALSo he tried to look through the law jafar claimed to say that would make her have to be married to the vizier or whatever (aka jafar) but then jafar just pulled it away before he could (and then attempted to mind control him when he refused) mans was prepared to spend hours reading over it even if he didnt understand it but he wasnt given the chance

also kalim is worryingly nonchalant about stuff. i mean. you can get used to horrible things to where they just feel so normal and uninmportant i guess? but poor bby. hes been like 'i want to keep myself alive because if i die then someone else will get punished.' or like about poisoning, if someone has a change of mind and hes already dead, then he cant do something to help them, so he has to make sure he'll live.

..i really doubt that hes just. so oblivious. maybe in denial, but still.

anyway i got very off topic. my bad. and to be fair we do get to see more of him at some parts. but hhh

okay listen. denial. (i am also a believer that if when kalim confronted jamil, if he said he didnt do anything kalim wouldve believed him. bruh gave him excuses like '..i just got tired, right?')

"The real Jamil would never do such things! He's a good guy. He's always helping me, giving me a shoulder to lean on, and—" (Book 4 • Chapter 33)

we just. dont see him really crumble?? he just. keeps being optimistic

we convince him jamil is bad. he resolves to punch him for being a traitor and THATS IT?

he sobs at the end of jamils overblot but then he goes back to being optimistic like 'lets be equals!' (..it feels like he didnt really learn much though as he's still 'I didn't notice--' 'I--' and i wish he couldve gotten more awareness. cause he makes it about himself yknow and blaming himself but COME ON put some blame on jamil PLEASE? or like. ANYONE ELSE. you also cant notice shit if no one ever tells you about it that you dont even know to look for it! he doesnt want to be cautious about who he can trust so like, why would he think to doubt the person who hes known his entire life??? especially if its something that was just always there that it feels natural, how could he know better? hes sheltered! so someone shouldve explained it to him, made him realize things! aghhh)

heres the book 5 one btw

"I got a real bad feeling when I saw the look on your face after Neige's rehearsal. It was practically the same look I saw on Jamil's face when he lost control of himself over holiday break." (Book 5 • Chapter 62)

And I mean maybe he did learn in that he's more aware of this now than others because he knows what people could look like because of Jamil, but I feel like a lot of things were just so unsaid. That the first time blindsided him, but now he's kind of a little more worried about something happening while he's there that he didn't notice so now he's trying to notice things more??? Or like maybe having gut feelings that he'd ignored before because it was Jamil but now knowing better?

So he can be aware. but then the rest of the time he's just thought of as dumb or an idiot or forgetful and it just makes me sad. and i mean i get that he wants to see the best in people but we never really talk about how its more that its denial. a refusal to see it, and i want to understand why

or maybe its because he sees the good in people that he trusts they'll do the right thing. or he believes that the good outweigh the bad (although i dont know if it'd be the same case if it was someone he knew who got hurt)

like. okay back in book 5

"Besides, I would bet there isn't a single person in Scarabia who hasn't gotten help from Jamil at some point. Am I right?"

"See? There you go. He's been a model vice housewarden. In fact, he's put me to shame. He let dark thoughts get the better of him for a brief time. Other than that, he's a perfectly capable guy." (Book 5 • Chapter 10)

He justifies it with that Jamil isn't the only one to blame (he also blames himself), and that Jamil hadn't done anything wrong before then

which. AGAIn. means that in his eyes the good outweigh the bad. jamils better at his duties so jamil should stay as vice housewarden.

this was the first time jamil did anything bad so it'd be fine, it was just an error in judgment

AGHHh

nothing about the fact that his closest friend he views as a brother

"He's grown up with Jamil since a young age, and considers him a brother in all but blood." (from the In-game Album)

who would be the last person he'd expect to do such a thing BETRAYS HIM, planning to make everyone (or well just the people in scarabia) turn against him

like. that has to be a shock right??? AND THEN HE JUST. welcomes him back into his life like it was nothing im just. kALIM. SWEETIE.

and i mean i get its for the best since if anyone knew what actually happened anything could happen to jamil (and jamil has his own reasons i get that but this is about kalim)

but he still hangs around him. has him as his aide. so while something did change, it also feels like nothing changed at the same time.

"I'm always chosen. Always. That's such an obvious truth that I never even consciously processed it. But now I see that was only possible because of Jamil's constant sacrifices. He created that "truth" in my mind by always holding back. By always letting me win. ...It stings. "Galling" doesn't even begin to describe it." (Book 5 • Chapter 30)

also like one of the very few times he expresses how he feels about something (how it hurts not to be chosen for the first time, and/or that he was only chosen because of someone else so he wants to work hard)

and then grim shuts him down with "You wanna talk about galling? Imagine how I feel not even makin' the cut for the audition to start with."

like. COME ON.

Kalim responds with, "Ah, you're right. My bad! I didn't mean to rub it in. Goodness, there I go again! I'm super sorry, honest."

and yeah it can seem kind of spoiled but also. its probably because of that that he doesnt want to share his troubles because he's very privileged so it feels like he might not deserve to act like its anything when everyone else has to work so much harder, right?

AND ITS JUST. REAFFIRMING TO HIM THAT his troubles are nothing compared to anyone elses and im just aghhauihduadhw

he also cares a lot about other people (people like him as housewarden because he listens to their troubles and supports them) so i just. want him to be able to take a moment to care about himself and just admit these things that he usually doesnt get the chance to.

i got a lot more worked up than i meant to

[discorainycomputer]

Pokemon teams: Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann

I've wanted to do another one of these since my Dungeon Meshi / Delicious in dungeon ones. I'm not expecting this to reach many people, but if you disagree with my picks feel free to tell me so! These were made in a pretty short timeframe and I'll explain my process as i go. There will be spoilers.

Simon (Young): I wanted Simons first team to be weak, but full of potential. I'm no good at competetive pokemon, but i feel that if you leveled all these pokemon to their max evolutions you'd get a pretty decent team. Anyways moving on to the actual pokemons: The Drilbur line was made for Gurren Lagann. Drilbur is a digger just like Simon, with a signature drill. It also references Boota, its shiny because it looks more like Boota that way. Dreepy was added because i wanted to make a connection with Simons and Kaminas teams. I'll speak more on it in Kaminas section. Nosepass is referencing Lagann. Wishiwashi is symbolising Simons lack of confidence when being alone. Trapinch is a digging pokemon and is a lesser version of Flygon. Zygarde is a tiny weak thing that has great strength when it gathers itself, which is a pretty good way to describe Simon.

Kamina: I wanted Kaminas team to be extremely masculine as this is the idea of himself that he projects. Drakloak is carrying a little Dreepy on its head. This reminded me a lot of Kaminas and Simons relationship, which is why Simon has a Dreepy in his team. Although in reality its really Kamina that is carried by Simons abilities, this is how everyone besides Kamina sees their relationship. The big brother taking care of his younger brother. Krookodile was mostly picked because of its shades and it being a shady pokemon, which fits Kaminas infamous reputation in his village. Darmanitan fits his fiery motivation and is really just a nice pokemon for him. He is very hot headed after all. Golurk is representing Gurren, and also looks quite muscular which fits Kaminas masculine aesthetic. Flygon is here both to act as a bigger and better version of Simons Trapinch, but also here because of its goggles. Finally his last pokemon is Pyukumuku. This is my favourite part of his team because its the pokemon that fits his character the most. Kamina is a person that is nothing on his own. He lies about what he feels, he lies about his fears and doesnt speak about his insecurities. To everyone else he's the perfect leader. In reality, hes a 18 year old putting up the biggest front of all time to make the people in his life feel safe, especially his younger brother Simon. Pyukumuku on its own is a useless pokemon. It cant do any damage, except in certain situations. If you had a team with only a pyukumuku, you would most likely not be able to beat any pokemon game (Dont take this as a challenge). Pyukumuku shines better, when paired with a full team. Not only does this symbolise his status as the leader, but also his personality. In battles, he is never the deciding factor. He may shout the loudest, but the strength always comes from Simon. Kaminas role is making sure Simon believes in himself. He is the support. I see a lot of claims online sometimes saying Kamina is the manliest man, always seemingly because of his traditionally masculine traits. The real reason hes the greatest is the way he supports everyone. I hope after reading this you see why pyukumuku is his perfect pokemon. He is nothing alone, but as a leader, a brother, a friend or anything. He will always support you. (Also i like that Pyukumukus only way to attack is a fist, it fits Kamina). Sorry for the long rant, I'll be moving on now.

Yoko: For Yoko i wanted to make a mix of her status as a sniper, her attitude as a part of the team and her role as a teacher. Clawitzer and Sandaconda reference her status as the sniper, Blaziken is both a nod to her design having fire elements, and her more serious attitude. She can be a bit silly at times, but shes probably the most serious character of the crew. I think Blaziken fits her pretty well. Next up is Mantine, which i know looks a bit weird. Mantine is in a symbiotic relationship with schools of Remoraid. I thought this was a nice way to represent her status as a teacher taking care of the younger generation. The last two i picked mostly because i feel they fit her pretty well. Mawile is mostly because of the ponytail but also because it fits her personality as a teacher, being a mix of very nice/cute and scary. Lastly Tsareena just fits her. I've always felt it was a very, excuse my wording here, girlboss pokemon. Which fits her a lot.

Rossiu: For Rossius team i wanted to get a mix of his role being a wise person, relying on logic but also his status as a former religious person. Carracosta design wise always evoked a very wise feeling for me. It seems like a pokemon you could talk about your feelings to, and give that it could respond, it would give the answers you didnt know you needed. I think Rossiu is the most intelligent character (Except for Leeron which I forgot to make a team for...) and i wanted his team to reflect this. Next up is Sigilyph which is to my knowledge based on ancient angels. At least to me it evokes a very "Be not afraid" kind of feeling. I felt this fit his connection to religion fairly well. Next up is Golett which represents him taking over Gurren after Kaminas death. Gurren however is represented by Golurk, so him just having Golett represents that hes not really cut out for piloting Gurren. I felt Oranguru fit him alot as it seems to be designed to be like a sort of preacher. Not only is this a nice little nod to the leader of his village, I think they look alike, but its design also fits his nihilistic perpective and choices in the later episodes of the series. I wanted to fit into some technology into his team, so I included Klingklang. Lastly I added Duraludon Dynamax. It being a very modern building i felt fit his modern outlook on the world. He builds a democracy and society after the team fumble at building a government. I feel its a nice fit.

Nia: There are a lot of pokemon who share Nias colour palette, and i really love her design. Sylveon is basically her design, filled with ribbons and that colour scheme. I love Nias design, so i wanted to truly represent it. I also feel Primarina fits her a lot, no real substance here. Hatterene both fits her design, and represents her status as a princess. She was locked away which is also in Hatterenes design. Audino represents her empathy, and caring nature. She really is the heart of the team after Kaminas death. And draws the team forward. Mainly drawing Simon out of his depression, simply by treating him as a human being. This is also why I added Wishiwashi. Sharing a pokemon with Simons team. Like mentioned, Nia brought Simon out of his depression, so I felt this was a good way to symbolise her being a main factor in him growing as a person. Lastly I added Nihilego as its a cute design that fits her, but it also represents her being part anti-spiral, as a Ultra Beast is not a pokemon.

Kittan: I awnted to represent Kittans personality and status to the team. Tyrantrum represents him being agressive, sometimes throing tantrums and his King aesthetic. Pangoro represents him being a thug and i also feel it represents the black siblings pretty well. For Golisopod and Mimikyu I wanted to represent his insecurities. Golisopod because Kittan is a person who acts very tough but can be wimpy sometimes. Although this is really just for the start of the season. Mimikyu however is him trying to act like Kamina to be the leader the team needs after Kaminas death. Hes mimicing his behaviours but they dont work. He can never be Kamina, but he tries. For Rhyperior I wanted to represent him getting his own drill. Not Kaminas drill, and not Simons drill either. Its not Excadrills drill, its its own thing. Although the rest of the design doesnt really fit him, i really like this symbolically. Electivire is probably the weakest part of his team, but i feel it fits him visually.

Simon (Adult): I felt Simon deserved to have his team grow since my favourite part of this show is Simon moving past his self hatred to become the best version of his self. To get a bit personal here, I've alwways related to Simon since i first watched the show. I wanted to be like Kamina, and saw myself in Simon. Watching Simon grow up to be as amazing as he is motivates me when I'm at my lowest. Hes a character that always had it in him, but he just couldnt believe in himself. All he needed was someone to tell him that it was okay to believe in himself. And that it was okay to be him. This is something I really love with him. He truly grows up to be himself. Therefore this team is just a fully evolved version of his team when he was younger. He always had it in him, he just had to Believe. There are some nice touches here. Excadrills shiny looks suspiciously like Bootas humanoid form in the show, so I felt it was necessary. He also gets a Dragapult. Kamina only had a Drakloak. Simon surpasses the legend of Kamina while taking up his mantle. Then wwe have Wishiwashis school form. Simon is the person he is because of the people around him. He may not be entirely weak on his own, but Wishiwashi as a pokemon represents the theme of being stronger together very well, and Simon wouldnt be who he is without the people believing in him. Probopass is Lagann again, I've always had a soft spot for this guy, sorry theres not really any better reasoning. I wanted him to keep a Flygon aswell, not only because he gets Kaminas shades, but cooler, but also because i wanted him to have a part of Kaminas team with him. Kamina will always be in his heart, and on his back after all. Lastly I added Zygarde 100%. I usually hate giving legendaries to characters when I make pokemon teams, but this one is too perfect. It is litterally Gurren Lagann. Its the only thing i think of when I see this pokemon and if any character is deserving of a legendary in my eyes, its Simon.

I wanted to do Viral aswell, but i forgot about it and its now 9 am and I havent slept.

Anyway, if you got this far, or got anywhere at all on this post, thanks for reading it. This is my favourite anime of all time, and although some teams could be better I'm satisfied. Again if you are reading, thank you. Have a good day or night wherever you are.

[angelwishess]

𐙚 Rambling about my ideas for the Floyra fankids’ UMs :3

All of their UMs are based on the aspects of a fairytale!!

Marven , the imagination behind fairytales :

Close your eyes and hold on tight, let your imagination run wild and free! You ready? Pure Imagination!

Whatever Marven imagines he can materialize into reality with magic. He can get pretty crazy with his wild imagination too! He can only materialize a few things at a time as of his current level of magic, and he has to maintain a clear image of what hes trying to materialize. He cant let his thoughts jump from one topic to another while trying to use this UM, or else it will fail.

The solidity of these creations usually depend on Marven himself. If hes extremely focused, then they can take a bunch of hits and act just like they were real. If hes not in the mood, then they dissappear quickly and dont really do anything.

Evelio, the narration of fairytales :

There was a tale like this a long, long time ago… Shall I read it to you? Very well. Once Upon a Time.

Evelio’s UM allows him to somewhat act as a puppeteer, as long as he is narrating everyone that he is effecting has to follow exactly what hes saying.

For example, if Evelio says “Then, ___ fell over and rolled over on the ground”, the person he is directly narrating has to do whatever he says, and cant break out of his spell. This also goes for emotions.

They also maintain full conciousness under his spell btw, they can still speak freely for the most part (unless he says otherwise),they js cant control themselves AHAHA So, even if theyre completely happy, if Evelio is using his spell and he says that they cry, they’ll start crying regardless of whether theyre actually sad or not. He can only use this spell on a small group of people at a time, maybe around 4-5 max as of his current level of magic.

Alora , the dark origins of fairytales :

Hide all you want, theres no escaping reality! Lets darken up the mood! Face the real world! Grimm Truth!

Based on the origins of many fairytales from Grimm’s Fairytales, Alora absorbs blot and uses that as a source of energy for her own UM. Her UM relies on negative energy, and the blot supplies her with a lot of that. Her UM, when active, also attracts the attention of a lot of magical creatures and monsters that may be in the area.

Alora can basically twist the image of things to look straight out of a horror film, if its a living creature, even something tiny and cute like a bunny, she can turn into a huge monster. A sheet of fabric? Well its a haunting ghost now! A treasure chest? Nope! Its a mimic now, and will chase just about anything with its hundereds of teeth.

It works on people too, although she cant fully turn them into monsters, she can effect some parts of them. Dont worry, its not permanent of course ! (To her dissappointment sigh)

The more blot she has, the scarier her “twists” are. Which makes her a little reckless while using magic, often trying to accumulate as much blot as she can to get a quick power up for her little monster minions of the day.

Some of her creations can be cute, though! And she has a little ghostie friend she keeps hidden that somehow lasted since the day she discovered her UM.

(No one in her family knows about that btw, she creeps them out with it HAHAHA)

All of this is subject to change, especially Alora’s 😭😭 Just wanted to type out my ideas and get it out of my system :3

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @iamburdened - thanks so much!! ♡

Daryl Dixon x she/her!reader

spoilers: set in season 6

Unsaid

It’s so strange, staring out of a proper window, into a real neighbourhood. Gives a new perspective to how your group has been living since the start. Even at the farm, it was rare that most of you felt comfortable to enter the Greene house, and at the prison the windows werent exactly homely. That word seemed alien to you now. Alexandria is like a dream, a fantasy, one that you’re so afraid you’re going to wake up from. But at the same time, you cant help hoping that this could be a real home, a safe place. Turning around, you lean on the kitchen counter, your eyes glancing over your makeshift family, until they reach the lonely angel sitting on the living room windowsill.

Daryl Dixon. A man you’ve spent years getting to know, while he has gained the courage to do the same for you. The two of you could talk for hours on end, there was never a moment of discomfort between you. But there was always something that you both skipped over; the time was never right, or there was never enough time. It wasnt safe enough to admit the darkest secret you shared with him, it wasnt safe enough to realise it, to acknowledge it even existed. So, it stayed quiet.

But that isnt to say that you and Daryl resisted the magnetic connection that pulled you to each other. Somehow, he senses that you’re approaching him, and searches the room until his eyes land on you, walking towards him.

“Uh, Daryl? I was wondering if you could...keep watch, while Im in the shower.” You ask him shyly.

Daryl takes in everything about you, the way your fingers are fiddling with the hem of your dirty shirt, the blush on your cheeks, the way your eyes are avoiding his.

You and him have always had a thing, an understanding and a softness towards each other that never developed into anything else, it just exists on its own; dormant, waiting. The world was too chaotic and dangerous for the two of you to ever have a moment to explore it, so it remained an uncharted, lingering presence.

Daryl always understands what you‘re saying, and the parts that you didnt want to say - he hears loud and clear just by looking at you. So he knows that you are coming to him because you‘re still scared, and he wants to help.

“Yeah, no prob’m.” He answers, standing up from his place at the windowsill and following you to the bathroom upstairs.

You dont speak to him anymore, you simply offer a grateful smile before entering the bathroom, closing the door behind you. Daryl idles there, hearing the water turn on and then you sighing with relief as you step under it.

Somehow, you get so lost in the clean bliss of showering that you forget Daryl is standing right outside, and you start humming. Before you know it, you’re singing away to yourself, and Daryl cant help smiling from the other side of the door, keeping his head down as he leans against the wall with his arms crossed, so that if anybody walks by they wont see the smile on his face.

A couple of times, people in the house do walk by, and although they’re all people in the house and therefore in the group, Daryl still stands up straighter and makes it clear he’s guarding the door so that nobody tries to go in there. He’s always been protective of you like that.

When Daryl hears the shower turn off, he kicks himself off the wall lightly and shifts his weight from foot to foot awkwardly, not knowing how to stand and wait for you, not knowing which standing position would appear the most relaxed to you. His hands feel empty without his crossbow, he’d find it much easier to stand “naturally” if he had that with him.

The door opens and a cloud of steam guides you out of the misty bathroom, you have a peach coloured towel wrapped around your body and you’re using a white one to scrub at your wet hair. You jump at the sight of Daryl, and then laugh to yourself, blushing again.

“I forgot that I’d made you stand here, oh gosh.” You cover your face with your hands as you realise he must’ve heard you singing.

Daryl shakes his head “Didn’ make me, I wan’ed to.”

You meet Daryl’s eyes then, confusion written on your features, and his eyes widen.

“Shit, not like that! Didn’ wanna be here just ‘cause you were showerin’, I jus’ mean’-“

You smile up at him, making no effort to cease his ramble, but your smile stops him anyway. “I trust you Daryl, dont worry.”

Heading to one of the bedrooms to get dressed, you stop suddenly and turn to him. “Do you wanna shower next?”

“Naw.”

“Daryl.”

“What?”

“Shower.”

“Naw.”

“What if I keep watch for you just like you did for me?” You smile at him again, and Daryl’s heart melts.

It is utterly adorable that you think he’s scared to shower because of being vulnerable to attack, and that you are offering to protect him in the same way he did for you. By no means does he want to shower, it brings about vulnerability of an entirely different sort. But, you standing outside the bathroom means that you’ll be waiting for him after his shower, and he’ll get more of a chance to talk to you, which gives him something to look forward to. That, and he couldnt deny that your presence at the door would reassure him, he knows you can be fierce when you want to be, and nothing would get past you, it’d sooner kill you than get to him. Wow, really Daryl? Thinking about her dying while you’re in the shower? That’s reassuring.

Daryl nods at you after a few seconds of silence. “Alright, but you go get dressed first. You’ll catch a cold standin’ there in damp towels.”

You squeal excitedly and run off to the bedroom you were previously heading towards, shutting the door behind you. Daryl shakes his head and laughs, unable to believe that you just got even cuter. Seconds later, you arrive at his side, clad in pyjamas far too big for you, the pants are so long they act as socks as well, and the sleeves are so long that you‘re balling them in your firsts to act as hands.

“I am ready to kick ass if anything tries to get your ass!” You throw some dramatic, pyjama-shirt-fisted punches, and Daryl does his usual scoff laugh.

“Never felt safer.” He teases as he messes up your hair, and you scrunch your face up in the most adorable frustration. For a precious moment, Daryl lets himself admire you while you’ve got your face scrunched up and therefore your eyes closed, but then he’s closing the door behind him as he enters the bathroom.

While he’s stripping free of his clothes, Daryl imagines you on the other side of the door, kicking out the long pant legs of your pyjamas, swinging around the long sleeves. Little things like that entertained you somehow, the presence of that childlike wonder and amusement that this world manages to kill even in children themselves, but it had never succeeded in taking that from you. By no means are you unaware of the way the world is now, and that’s what amazes Daryl so much: even after witnessing the horrors of the world around you, you still manage to keep yours - and everyone around you’s - spirits up.

When he steps in the shower, Daryl doesnt see the smile on your face, the sound of the water changing because it has someone standing under it telling you that Daryl is actually showering. You know there‘s something else that keeps him from showering, from walking around shirtless like the other guys do during hot weather. You didnt ask him, and you never will. If he wants to tell you at any point, then he can do that in his own time and in his own way. It means a lot to you that despite you not knowing what it is, you offering to protect him in this way and him accepting it shows that he trusts you, too.

As the shower stops, you hear wet footsteps out of it, and then Daryl curses under his breath.

“Everything alright in there?” You ask him, knocking on the door quietly.

“I aint got no damn clothes.” Daryl mutters.

Your eyes widen. “Okay, right, wait here, I’ll be approximately one minute!”

Sprinting back into the bedroom you got dressed in, you start searching through the piles of clothes given to you from the people of Alexandria. In record time, you manage to find some boxers, a pair of grey sweats and a baggy black vest that look like they’ll fit Daryl, while also not risking making him overheat. You skid your way back, panting when you get back to the bathroom door because you’d been so frantic.

“Got you some stuff! If you dont like it, I can go find you something else.” You tell him through the door, and Daryl opens it slightly.

Another cloud of mist greets you, and then Daryl’s clean face, wet hair, and just the tiniest glimpse of his naked chest. You pass him the clothes, and he nods at you before closing the door again, leaving you swooning against the wall. That was a lot, wow.

A minute or so later Daryl steps out wearing the clothes you’d given him. Daryl Dixon in grey sweats? You had unintentionally plotted your own demise. His hair is wet and messy, definitely knotted from how roughly he’s tried to dry it with a towel.

You smile at him, eyeing him up and down. “Lookin’ good, Dixon!”

The way you‘re looking at him makes Daryl feel a little insecure until you say that, and he realises you‘re in fact checking him out.

“Stop.”

You stick your tongue out at him. “Make me!”

Daryl rolls his eyes at that.

You take a step closer to him and reach up to part his hair. “This just wont do, though. C’mon, I can fix it!”

And then you’re grabbing his hand and leading him to an empty bedroom. Not the one with clothes in, because other people could go in there looking for said clothes. You make sure to go into an empty one, and bring Daryl over to a bed. Pushing his shoulders gently, you sit him down on the edge of it, and then you dart out of the room. When you return, there’s a hairbrush in your hands, and Daryl scoffs.

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.”

You beam at him. “Not even a little bit! Your hair is lovely, it deserves to be properly taken care of.”

The compliment sounds sincere, and Daryl struggles to meet your eyes after that. You climb onto the bed and kneel behind him, parting the rest of his hair before you start to brush it. He expects it to hurt at least a little, but you’re so gentle with him that he wonders how you’re even getting the knots out.

“Y’know, I’ve always liked seeing you in a vest.” You bring up casually.

“Why?” Daryl asks.

“You genuinely have the best arms I have ever seen on a man, and every time you cover them up it hurts my feelings.” You tell him, and Daryl scoffs, causing you to chuckle. “You wish I was joking!”

He shakes his head. “Keep my arms out for the sake of yer feelin’s, got it.”

You smile from behind him. “Thank you for your consideration!”

The rest of the time brushing Daryl’s hair is spent in comfortable silence. For a little while, Daryl even closes his eyes, just enjoying the feeling of you taking care of him, even through such a simple action. You dont point out that you notice, not wanting to embarrass him or disturb the peace he was feeling. You even re-brush sections that are already brushed through so that his peace lasts a little longer. Eventually though, you’ve spent a suspiciously long time brushing Daryl’s hair, and you sit back on the bed.

“There! All done!” You cheer, before running your fingers through his hair and sighing. “Wow, not to toot my own horn but I did a damn good job.”

Something about you saying the word ‘toot’ amuses Daryl. He runs his own hand through his hair. “Yeah, ya did, thanks.”

“No prob’m!” You somewhat impersonate his accent from his response earlier, and Daryl turns around to playfully raise an eyebrow at you.

“You makin’ fun o’ me?”

You gasp dramatically. “Never! Your accent is incredibly sexy!” And then you’re smiling at him again, and Daryl’s avoiding your eyes.

“Ya drive me crazy girl, y’know that?” He shakes his head.

Your smile widens into an all-out beaming grin. “I know, it’s my absolute favourite pastime!”

“Anytime I try to drive ya crazy back, ya always one-up me.” Daryl says, sounding only mildly annoyed.

“It’s a gift!” You almost sing.

Daryl sighs, looking down at the bed, and you place your hand over his, being unable to cover it because his hands are so much bigger than yours.

“Hey, what’s on your mind?” You ask him, the teasing tone vanished from your voice and replaced by a caring one, a soft one, that is mostly reserved for Daryl.

“You, like ya always are.” He tells you, boldly meeting your eyes, his gaze flickering from them to your lips, and when you smile at him again, he cant hold back.

Daryl leans in, placing the lightest kiss you’ve ever felt on your lips before he pulls away to read your reaction. The corners of your smile crease into your rosy cheeks in the most beautiful way, and you wrap your arms around his neck to kiss him yourself. Daryl fully turns himself around, kneeling up with you so that he can wrap his arms around you. The kiss is more passionate than the two of you had anticipated; the connection between you having been ignored and put aside for so long that now you’re finally acting on it, it’s all either of you can think about. You start leaning back, and without breaking the kiss Daryl helps lie you down comfortably beneath him, using his forearms to hold himself above you. Your hands explore him, tugging gently at his hair as you wrap your legs around his waist and bring him closer to you, then running over his tensed biceps and making yourself sigh ever so quietly just at being able to touch him like this. Daryl growls against your lips, unable to put into words his emotional response to you appreciating his body in the way you are, in a way nobody ever has. His lips leave yours to place kisses on both of your rosy cheeks, then he creates a trail down your neck.

“Daryl.” You breathe blissfully, and he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he could’ve lost himself to that alone.

“Mm?” Daryl hums.

“I’d love to, but we shouldnt, not yet.”

He lifts his head to meet your eyes, and he nods. “I know.”

You hold his face in your hands. “We’ve got the rest of forever, there’s no rush.”

Daryl’s eyes stare into yours, searching for the answer to his question before he’s even asked it. “Ya wanna spend yer forever with me?”

You roll your eyes at him playfully. “Of course I do! I adore you, Daryl Dixon.”

His heart skips a beat. I love you, that’s the cliché, that’s the weighty, scary norm of a relationship milestone. But adore? You adore him?

Daryl rests his forehead against yours, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. Expressing his feelings through words is still a new concept to him, he cant quite muster up the courage to repeat your words to him, but he knows that whatever’s left unsaid, you’ll hear loud and clear.

“I’ll make it worth yer while.”

[dizzybevvie]

Hello B!

Do you have any opinions on the character designs within the aphverse?

Example: too many characters have blue eyes, there aren't enough (x) traits, etc etc

OK I WILL GET TO THAT BUT OMG NO ONES EVER CALLED ME B BEFORE ... I LOVE IT

[Keeping this to MYS because thats what I know.]

I mean, I DO think too many characters have blue eyes. Between Dante, Laurance, Garroth, Katelyn, Zane - thats already the majority of the friend group.

I dont mind the blue hair/blue eyes combo, but Dante AND katelyn having it is a bit much 🤷‍♂️ AND they couldve kept Laurances original colour pallet :( I totally get changing the design bc of the skins, but in MYS theres no lore reason for Laur having blue eyes so at least they shouldve been green right??? Im also devastated hes not ginger but alas <\3

I think overtime the girls in the show have less variety, particularly in the hair. No different lengths or anything. I mean, just take Cadenza! She has longass hair in s1 but it eventually gets cut the same length as Kate, KC and Aph. The girl with THE most variety in character design - and probably one of the best designs imo - is Kim, and i literally couldnt tell you a single one of her character traits other than 'possessed'. Her highlights are different and I like her colour pallet.

The guys all look... kinda similar too. But they did well differing them in little ways, like hair partings and such. I do want Laurance's long hair back tho. Jess dont be a coward give us ling hair ginger laurance

I think its very funny that Laurance has ABSOLUTELY NO fashion sense, but i would like clothes to be more consistent! I like Dante's outfit with the button up/button up/shirt combo, even if it was ridiculous it felt in character - although its a shame that after Aarmau was made canon no other character could wear purple or red, because dante looked good in red!! I love Garroth's hawaiian shirt getup and they should bring that vibe back for him for sure.

I dont think there are enough brown eyes im gonna be real brown eyes are beautiful and like. way too many inbred eyes /lh

this isnt so much an issue with character designs because. minecraft. but there arent many different body types. Like, I think Aphmau and Zane are fat, and then Travis has broad shoulders (according to 1 line of dialogue in s1, and hes still buff). and everyone else is just somewhere on the sims4 slider of skinny and strong.

WHERE ARE MY SHORT KINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT EVERY GUY CAN BE 6"02U392U3837 JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE THAT JESS. THERES NO WAY TRAVIS IS TALLER THAN KATELYN THERES NO WAY

It wouldve been neat seeing disabilities other than zane's blindness purely because of limited differentiation in design. Like, going forward into s7 I would love to see Travis keep the wheelchair bc im pretty sure he cant. recover from that. unless they pull some aphmau magic bs

All in all im torn abt Luci because I think its cute for her to be the odd one out (as i said in my If-I-Was-Tasked-With-Rewriting-Mystreet post), but thats clearly not the intention and you kinda forget shes a witch at all. Which would be cool if it was brought up? idk. Her black dress + bow was her best outfit i think. The red eyes and the bright ginger hair is a lot on the eyes and the black is a good combo for that.

TBH, the only Aph outfit I liked was the one from Season 3, but her current skin (non-mystreet) is actually very cute. I like it a lot

People have said this a lot, but one BIG issue i have with the mys designs is the colour pallets. Im a big fan of shows where one character is heavily associated with one colour, and though this doesnt HAVE to be the case for Mystreet, Id like then to be consistent. Kate's colour has always been blue, Travis' colour has always been green, Aph/Aaron Purple/red, Kc pink, zane black/grey, and Garroth is usually blue. but Dante, Laurance, Lucinda, Melissa, etc have had some super inconsistent ones.

One character design that I like across the series is actually KC. Once they know how to pair the pinks and black/white well, they do pretty well with it! Its just a lot of pink and easy to get wrong. but they do well

Travis' also isnt that bad, the outfit of his i really remember was fhe green hoodie and black trousers which felt correct.

To go back to the eye colours, Its fun to see Jess' thought process bc like. almost ALL of her love interests have blue eyes except aaron? idk. food for thought.

In conclusion,

[autisticempathydaemon]

For the redacted match ups!! Thank you ily no rush!! <333

The song I’m fixated on right now is probably Saturn by Sleeping At Last! “With shortness of breath / You explained the infinite / And how rare and beautiful it is to even exist / I couldn't help but ask for you to say it all again / I tried to write it down, but I could never find a pen / I'd give anything to hear you say it one more time / That the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes”

I’m an enneagram 5w4! I can never decide my mbti, something along the lines of istp or intp or entp but not estp ??? This plagues me

I love love love big youtube video essays, I’m not sure if i can pick a specific favorite!! They’re pretty much all I watch if that helps, and I have a lean toward informational ones— like, about real world events and history rather than about media— although certain media ones are really good too.

My imaginary friend’s name was Nobody. Like.. genuinely thats what i called him. I knew he wasn’t real but i felt left out ‘cause everyone else had one so when people were around I would pretend i had an imaginary friend. An imaginary imaginary friend named Nobody. He had a family too; his siblings were named Somebody and Everybody. Hell yeah

My go to way to fall asleep is in a sea of pillows (they keep my bones in place), big puffy comforter thats too big for my bed, window open, listening to podcasts til like 3am (or whenever sleep happens)

I have changed my name, and I picked it because it shares a nickname with my birth name and has the same initial— an easier transition for everyone else, they could just say my nickname if they didn’t want to say my new one. It even sounds similar. I do like the name, but it beat the other options because of that.

The first one that comes to mind as my favorite is the video where Sam heals Darlin (Vampire Tends To Your Injuries)— it was the first one I listened to and easily the one I’ve listened to the most. I’m a whore for hurt/comfort and that specific energy was too good, the mutual care and growing trust without strings attached, waaaah. I’m also really fond of the one where Avior helps Starlight sleep (Comforted By Your Demon) and the imperium one Specifically when Milo is talking to Asher about David (the beginning of Cataclysm: Last Wish) and the pain in the acting its SO GOOD. Probably my favorite bit of acting specifically from the channel, and the only scene thats made me cry. I just love when characters let down their walls and are vulnerable with each other its real good

The redacted boy who holds no appeal to me… im so sorry its caelum im so sorry it gets worse its not just caelum its huxley too i dont think i have a good reason theyre too nice and as for caelum i have a small brother i cant take any more

“Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.” Don’t say that you dont know what youre getting into. Its the entire warrior cats franchise and im ending the conversation here before i start (more socially acceptable answer: The Song of Achilles)

Hmmm I’d love to be best friends with James!!

When im tired i will usually go off about whatever random problem im concerned about that day, my most common recently is my rage about leopard print vs cheetah print WHY IS THE CHEETAH GIRLS LOGOS AND STUFF LEOPARD PRINT. THE CHEETAH. GIRLS. WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK LEOPARD PRINT IS CHEETAH??? THEY LOOK DIFFERENT??? WHATS GOING ON???

Gas station snack and drink combo is usually green tea, I dont often get snacks there so im like trying so hard to figure out what id get or whats there… oo pretzels maybe

I cant tell you about my favorite playlist because i have one (1) playlist ive had since i was 14 and its just everything ive ever listened to ever, if im in a specific mood ill usually just look up the artist, recently its been a lot of Sleeping at Last and Novo Amor

I have no guilty pleasures im unapologetically me babey (its webkinz) (not the site Just the plushies) (best plushies and im very right about this)

Im sleepy and i love my cat and i would very much like to just cuddle that dang thing all day but alas, society calls. Despite this im a workaholic and not being on my feet at all times getting stuff done stresses me out in a major way— cant be stressed if im asleep, though!:D Also i eat raw potatoes on the regular (easy 2 prepare just take it out the cupboard pop it in ur mouth bb) and recently have started putting peas in my water boba style (or perhaps like a duck?) because i dont like water but i do like frozen peas and in this situation like 1 in 10 sips Theres A Dang Pea In There! This method has gotten me to drink more water than i have in probably years

You know who would know what they’re getting into and would love it? Ollie, who was definitely a Warrior Cats kid.

You say that you’re a workaholic, and Type Fives are characterized by their capability and competency… and yet, I get really fun, goofball vibes from you that I think Ollie would really love and get along with.

You’re both hard workers, curious, and diligent, but at home, you could be chill and just be with each other, be yourselves with each other. You with your Webkinz and your Warrior Cats and him with his Star Trek- it’s a lovely, comfortable home you have that’s utterly unique to the both of you.

Coming home everyday would be a delight, a reward after a long day of work. Ollie’d grab takeout on the way, orange chicken for him and whatever’s your favorite, and he’d settle in for the night, chopsticks in hand, saying “tell me about the difference between leopard and cheetah print, Babe.”

Song:

They say in Heaven, love comes first/ We'll make Heaven a place on Earth/ Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

Ollie strikes me as the kind of dude who loves cheesy, 80’s pop; like, I can see him busting through the door with the aforementioned takeout and just bopping. It’s also just a really cute song about the person you love and the space you make together being Heaven, and I love that for y’all.

Runner-Ups:

I like Avior for you on an Enneagram basis; along with the competency and capability, there’s a dogged curiosity there that, I think, Avior would admire and would keep him on his toes. Regulus is purely because of the imaginary friend tidbit; there’d be something poetic about him taking place of your Nobody and making himself your real imaginary friend. I could totally do something with that.

Note: thank for you the Sleeping At Last song rec~ I love his whole Enneagram album, so I’ve been meaning to get into more of his discography 🧡

Want a match-up of your own? Read this post, and tell me about yourself! 💌

[pinkwizardd]

blah blah

my dad thinks maybe my sleeps just fucked up. i went to get him taco bell today and although i didnt cry yesterday i broke down on the way home tonight like ugly sobbing. i feel like i am never going to feel good again, i feel like i did when i was using. whenever i feel even slightly rejected it's like i'm being stabbed and pulled under the ground. i guess maybe we are out of the honeymoon phase or maybe i am just looking for any available indication that he is going to turn on me at any moment. gee, i wonder why. but i dont know what the source of this overall depression is, i feel really severely not well. i feel like i can distract myself for a little while, but with any minor trigger or once the distraction is lost i am back feeling hopeless and alone. it feels like nobody around me is real. i cant find the words to explain. i dont want to be truly vulnerable at all.

i want to write something or make something or anything to get me out of this hole but just like when i was using, abandoned and abused, a raw open wound isolated and impotent, i have nothing worthwhile to say. i am not one of those people who can make meaning out of their suffering. i am scared that i lack resilience, but i think of my parents and hope they passed some on to me. instead of a raw open wound i feel like a festering one, sort of oozing and untended, desperate for proper attention, for me to do something about it. nobody can help me cause i have to do it myself. i hate this feeling like nothing i do matters and no matter what i do it wont get better. i hate feeling suspicious and resentful toward people who arent actually doing anything wrong to me as far as i can rationally tell. lmao even in that sentence the qualifier of "as far as i can rationally tell" gives away how intense my paranoid awful thoughts are that i cant fully trust anything in front of me. i cant trust and i cant do what i did before. throw myself out in the open to be hurt however the other person felt like it. i've lost that. i'm not so naive anymore. and i've been conditioned to repress things and hide my feelings in order to try to keep someone happy and close to me. i dont want to do that anymore. it hurts me.

i am overly sensitive and react very badly to pretty normal innocent things. i perceive my reaction as wrong and unjust so i tell myself no that's bad you shouldnt feel that its wrong and i turn it in on myself. i cant hold it in so i just cry and cry and cant say whats wrong because i've lost the plot from sheer overwhelm. like i dont even remember why i cried on the way home. i just couldnt stop it from happening. i was going to go to bed at 3 but i'm too angry and sad to sleep over something that shouldnt matter. i still feel like a stupid slighted loser being lied to and gaslit and devalued. i feel ashamed and anguished reminded in these feelings of times like a phone call years ago where i lashed out in actually rightful paranoia and was treated like i was crazy and irrational. i remember asking a lot if they were laughing at me on speaker with their stupid friend because i felt so foolish and broken down. it all made me feel so stupid and awful.

i am scared to change and exhausted. maybe i should just try to talk to him about it as honestly as i can, try to find a therapist, do something different. but i keep going back to the same patterns thinking i'll make it work, because that's what i do, because i am an addict. i am a dry drunk and i just want to feel good. all i've tried to do for a long time, desperately, is to feel good. and look where thats fucking got me!!!!!

i am so angry and sad and rejected i dont want to do all my normal distractions but its not like i wanna fucking do anythign else either. i just want it to be fixed and good and whole. i dont want to be this fragile ugly non-person anymroe

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Elisabeth Kaiserin von Österreich (1972) [Elisabeth Empress of Austria]

This was kind of a weird one, but I really liked it!

The thing that was weird was that this felt way more like a documentary than a film, even though Wikipedia specifically lists it as a film on Elisabeth's page and not in the section with the documentaries, which is why it ended up on my list of Sissi-media, but it doesnt really feel enough like a documentary for me to call it that. Like, it has these sections with narration over montages of paintings and historical photographs where its just some guy recounting various battles and political decrees and what people at the time thought of them, but it also has actors playing Elisabeth, Franz Joseph and everyone else whos relevant in scenes that dont really feel like reenactments, its kinda weird, Ive never seen anything like this. The ending credits call it a 'Dokumentarspiel' which means something along the lines of 'dramatized documentary', and I think that's a very fitting term for it.

Because of that, it didnt really have much of a story and I feel like I cant really talk about this film the way I talked about the others. Like, it's basically just sober recountings of major historical events interspersed with somewhat relevant anecdotes from Elisabeth's life and then towards the end we get less of the historical events as she withdrew from politics and public life, and it doesnt really elicit a lot of emotion from me, which is what I prefer. But I mean, I thought it engaging and that it painted a very interesting picture of Elisabeth. And it was nice getting some actual information for once, Ive mentioned before that I really dont know anything about history and Ive been trying to steer clear of treating anything that's portrayed in any of these films as factual because obviously the people making them are going to take creative liberties for the sake of making a cohesive story, but it doesnt seem like that was the case here. It really makes me want to watch more documentaries, I think I might do something something similar to this project in the future, where I look for a bunch of documentaries and watch them in chronological order, that could be interesting. I probably wouldnt write reviews for those though

Anyway, lets talk about the other stuff. The editing was mostly fine, it was just a bit weird during some of the historical events-segments but it wasnt a big deal. The pacing was good too, given that there wasnt much of a story or a throughline (other than Elisabeth as a person i guess) I think it could have become meandering and feel like a bit of a drag, but it didnt. Although to be fair, this film was on the shorter side, its only 80 minutes. The only part that really dragged on was the scene of Elisabeth and Franz Joseph being crowmed king and queen of Hungary, they show the whole slow ceremony and it was very boring.

And if I'm already talking about scenes that kinda bother me, Elisabeth's assassination was very strange. Like, it shows her and Lucheni walking toward each other at the docks in geneva and it keeps cutting back and forth between them as they both walk at a brisk but measured pace, until he suddenly starts running and then he kindof skids to a halt on his knees right in front of her and quickly stabs her before running off. Elisabeth doesnt really react and the woman who's with her is like "oh no, what happened, are you hurt" but she says it in such a mild way, they straightup did not notice that she got stabbed. So yeah, Elisabeth tells her that everything is fine, shes just a bit shocked and she thinks that guy just puched hef, and she just. keeps walking. The woman is like "are you really sure youre not hurt" and she goes "ah, you know, now that you mention it, I guess Im in a little bit of pain" and she starts trailing off and then collapses. So thats it. Im guessing this was based on like, the real life testimony of the woman who was with her and eye witness reports and all that but still, what a series of events huh.

And last but not least, the actors were all okay. I think they couldve all been better but they werent bad or anything. I will say though, something about Marisa Mell as Elisabeth bothered me, I think its the fact that they start this film off with a bunch of paintings and photographs of her and then Marisa Mell just looks nothing like her. Especially when you compare that to how Peter Fröhlich actually does look quite a bit like Franz Joseph does in the paintings, just less prettyboy-ey and also hid eyes arent so blue and scary. And I mean, the actresses they get to play Elisabeth rarely look like her because they usually just cast generally attractive women with brown hair because yknow, she was supposed to be incredibly beautiful but the beauty standards have changed a lot since then and are shifting, but still.

Anyway, that's it. I didnt want to watch any documentaries as part of this little project, I wanted to focus on the media thats purely fictional, for lack of a better term, but this was a very good one and Im glad I ended up seeing it

[normalestgirlblog]

movie idea

i just had a moment of like actual life resurgence. its the movie idea i had actually thought out a long time ago. but totally forgot. anyways

just remembered

this is so fucking lena dunham girls of me to make a movie about a girl that emulates myself. but fuck if i cant find inspiration in my own life where tf am i gonan find it. appropriate someone elses expeirences? HELL NO

anywyas

ofc its a coming of age movie what am i different? interesting? breaking new ground?

so its a coming of age movie focused on a girl maybe entering senior year or like just at a random point of high school life. shes smart, pretty, both under and over looked, good at sports, has a solid group of friends. shes uncomfortable in her own skin and puts on a face, but is incredibly insecure. she turns to drugs, liek tries weed and really likes it and then starts trying other shit. it is at one of these parties where this girl exists and tries to do more adult shit that she meets a boy. and this boy recognizes who she is, and how he can manipulate her like almost immediately. hes like a predator for girls who have never been looked at before. and part of her is totally scared to get involved but also she is like fascinated by his attention and the feeling of it. and he quickly showers her in like love and attention and convinces her naive heart and mind that this is like a good thing. there is like a period of good with signs that it will get worse, and then it gets worse kind of quickly. at this point she is at another one of these parties with drug use and meets a girl and another guy who gives her attention in a different way. they relate to each other, and have an intimate connection almost immediately. the boy obviously gets mad but doesnt do anything about it, not since she is already going to break up with him. so anyways he cheats on her or something and she breaks it off, and starts spending all her time with this new girl and guy. its very obvious the guy has a crush on her, and the new girl as well a little. they try new things and explore their identities and experiment with drug use. eventually the girls realize they are into each other. but this movie needs angst. so the main girl and the other girl start to plan to run away, they get to a motel just outside their town, when the other girl begins to overdose. this isnt a rue and jules, but its in that realm of female friendship, love, sexuality, drug use, substance abuse issues, mental health, sense of belonging. atp the main girl calls ambulance, but she realizes if she is caught with this girl, she will go to jail. so she eventually leaves her before the ambulance and cops arrive. she runs to the boys house at liek 4 am. climbs into his window and they talk as she breaks down, the last shot is them at the beach holding eachother in a mostly friendly comforting way.

i dont want to focus too much on her relationship with her parents, thats not the real issue or focus of her insecurity. its more of a commentary on society on young girls and teens in general, and the need for external validatikon and a sense of belonging. also setting is poor coastal town, has to be coastal. could be anywhere, although i think the west coast is tired as a concept, like i want this shit in like somewhere nobody thinks of or considers. but thats the point because i want people to be able to relate, and understand this universal experience of growing up and searching for meaning purpose and belonging. and no emphasis on where it occurs, because it occurs everywhere all the time. i want it to be very transcendental and also feature a diverse cast because like who needs to see more movies about white people, although since the country is a majority white people maybe it will be good to include a few. the whole idea isnt rooted in identity, its rooted in stepping away from individualism by presenting a storyalhtough with a few tweaks is pretty much similar to a lot of peoples school experience in the modern era. i think it can have moments of comedy that arent like aggressive and obvious, but just like comedy where things are embarassing or cringe as things are in real life. and maybe nobody has a name, like its just like person #1 and so on. make it impersonal to the characters life. im not sure exactly how i would execute it. some like a24 shit. maybe also no phones, idk maybe some sort of alternate reality where that isnt a thing but it might be too hard to capture this era of teenagery without them. either way i think we need a meaningful movie about being a teenager that isnt overly sexualized and dramatized like euphoria, and simplified like movies like i dont know clueless, 10 things i hate about you. nobody wants to make a real movie that isnt like deeply traumatic. also actual teenagers who are actors so it cant be sexualized, also no fucking sex scenes because thats weird and watching fake teenagers even adult actors fuck as teenagers is weird. obviously its not realistic but there can be implications rather than showing something. i dont want to touch on gender and sexuality too much, i think it should jsut be something fluid that isnt spoken about and is normalized. race and class might be something i do want to talk about it. obviously overdose scene is incredibly traumatic and i am iffy about it but i think it should show the frailty of the main character, how young she is and unable to confront real problems, and also how dumb teenagers can be with regard to drugs. i have a lot of ideas about this and im at work right now so i probably should just workshop this later. but if i could sell this to A24 i think they could defintiely undo some of the damage to society they did with euphoria LMFAO

[just-some-random-blogger]

Delicate chimes, distance and barely noticeable, twinkled. Spinning around, you saw a swirl of golden pale sand twirling in the middle of your living room. The sand shone like thousands of stars, especially in the setting sun streaming through the window. In the middle of the swirling sand, a figure - a dark mass - grew in size and shape. A figure you recognized. As the sand started to fade and its dizzying spins began to slow, a black boot stepped first, breaking through the wall of sand.

SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP SHAKING THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL SO WELL PUT SO VIVID SO ETHEREAL I AM CEASED DESCEND ENDED

Smiling, you started to sing a verse, “Mr. Sandman bring me a -“

THE WAY I WENT HIHIHIHIHHIHIHIHHIHI I I GIGGLED SO GIDDILY SO LOUDLY YN LIKE ME FOR REAL

You plucked up a used towel, wiping your hands and meeting him halfway. “What are you talking about?” You asked, innocently.

NOOOOOO NO NO NO THIS IS THE INCORRECT RESPOND FEIGNING IGNORANCE??? NOOOOOO NO NAHHHH IF THAT WAS ME I'D'VE FULL ON MANIPULATED HIM AS YOU SHOULD BUST OUT THE PUPPY DOG EYES POUT REAL HARD BAT THINE LASHES AND TELL HIM 💔💔💔💔💔 BUT OF COURSE MY SWEET SUMMER LOVE MY DARLING BABY BOY I MUST SING THIS EACH TIME TO RECOUNT HOW PRETTY AND BABY CAKES AND SWEETIE PIE YOU ARE GRRRR BARK BARK THEN CRY

Dream strolled up to you, standing directly in front of you. “You know what I speak of.”

HES SO ANNOYED AND PATHETIC

SIR YOURE LITERALLY AN OTHERWORLDLY ENTITY AND YOU PETTY AF SIRRRRRR SIRRRR 😭😭😭😭😭

“Sing it for me.”

AND THAT IS THE CORRECT RESPONSE TO THAT

GOOD BUG VERY GOOD SMART WIDDLE BABY

Dream scoffed. “I will do no such thing.”

“Just one hum.” You hold up one finger, smiling at him. “Or how else will I know?”

CORRRRREEERECTTTT ASSSS YOUUUU SSSSHHHOOOUUULLDDDD

“And if you don’t, you might not get any dinner.” You added.

MORRREEEEEE MAANNNNNIIIIIIPPPPUUUULLLAAAAATTTTIIIIOOOOONNNNNNN AASSSSSSSS YOUUUUUU SSHHHHHHOOOUUUUULLLDDDDDDDDDD GASSSSLIIGHHHHHTYT GGAAAATTTEEEEKKKKEEEEPPPP GIRRRLLLBBOOOSSSSS

“And if I refuse? I can find food elsewhere.”

IIIIIII. WWWWWWWIIIIIILLLLLL. CCRRRRRYYYYYYY. AATTTTTT. YYYOOOOOUUUUU. 😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔 DONT MY FEELINGS MEAN NOTHING TO YOU DONT YOU LOVE ME DONT YOU CARE FOR ME I WOULD DIE FOR YOU AND YOU CANT EVEN SING FOR ME I WILL BLOW UP INTO A MILLION PIECES IF YOU DONT DREAM DREAM LOOK AT ME

You paused, considering it for a moment. “Then I would be very upset.”

YYYYYNNNNNNN LLLLLIIIIIKKKKEEEEE MMMMEEEEEE FFFFFFFFRRRRRRR GAAAAAHHHHH

YOU GET IT YOU GET IT YOU GET IT YOU GET IT YOU GET IT YOU GET IT YOU GET IT

A hum rumbled in the back of his throat, the beginning of a tune. His lips parted as - to your surprise - Dream truly started to sing. “Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream.”

No wait

His deep cadence sent shivers down your spine. It was haunting, yet so beautiful. A perfect description for Dream. His voice drowned out all other sounds. You were enraptured by him, by his hypnotic voice.

NO WAIT

THAT WAS BEAUTIFULLY PUT AND WELL WRITTEN I LOVE THAT YOU USED CADENCE BECAUSE MY MUSICIAN HEART LOVES MUSIC TERMS although its not really a cadence its really just a rest BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER I LOVE IT I LOVE IT SO MUCH

His hand moved, cupping the side of your face. His lips grazed over your lips, “Make him the cutest that I’ve ever seen.”

OK I KNOW IN REALLY DRAMATIC BUT I ACTUALLY GOT TEARY EYED I ACTUALLY BEGAN TO CRY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH JUST THE IDEA OF THIS MAN SINGING BEGRUDGINGLY BECAUSE HE LOVES YN SO MUCH IS TOO MUCH TOO MUCH FOR ME TOO MUCH

Seeing your stunned reaction, he smirked. “How was that? Will that satisfy you?”

LITERALLY OFFER YOU MY SOUL ALL MY LOVE YOU CAN LITERALLY DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH ME LITERALLY ANYTHING

He rolled his eyes, but he expected your answer. “Of course, only if you behave.”

ON MY HANDS AND KNEES I WILL BE A GOOD GIRL FOR YOU THE VERY BEST THE VERY GOODEST GRRRR BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“Oh? Am I allowed to eat now?” Dream teased.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 HES SO PETTY AND ANNOYING AND LOVELY AND CUTE AND SOFT AND GRRR BARK BARK YES YOU CAN DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WOULD DIE FOR YOU I WILL COOK YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT I WANT YOU SO BAD

For the fic thing, having morpheus hear their s/o singing Mr sandman either whenever they arrive or in order to summon them? (I love the idea of how Done™ he'd be with that song if he hadn't been in a fishbowl upon it's release) also followed for idk what anymore it's been so long but staying for you and the vibes 😘

Mr. Sandman

Word Count: 729

Reader: Gender Neutral (not specified)

…

The inconsistent beat of knives against a wooden cutting-board mixed with the sizzling of chopped vegetables in a hot pan. Music, turned down low, softly played in the background. You hummed along as you cooked dinner - dinner for two.

But, your other half was not here.

Yet.

Delicate chimes, distance and barely noticeable, twinkled. Spinning around, you saw a swirl of golden pale sand twirling in the middle of your living room. The sand shone like thousands of stars, especially in the setting sun streaming through the window. In the middle of the swirling sand, a figure - a dark mass - grew in size and shape. A figure you recognized. As the sand started to fade and its dizzying spins began to slow, a black boot stepped first, breaking through the wall of sand.

Smiling, you started to sing a verse, “Mr. Sandman bring me a -“

“Must you always sing that tune?” Dream, the dark figure, fully stepped out of the swirling sand. The sand wisped away, disappearing completely and leaving no trace. He rolled his eyes, unwilling to hide his obvious annoyance and disdain for the song.

You plucked up a used towel, wiping your hands and meeting him halfway. “What are you talking about?” You asked, innocently.

Dream strolled up to you, standing directly in front of you. “You know what I speak of.”

You threw your towel over your shoulder, and put your hands on your hips. “No, I don’t believe I do.”

Dream’s lips thinned.

“Sing it for me.”

“Sing it for you?” Dream asked, astounded.

“Yeah.” You smirked.

Dream scoffed. “I will do no such thing.”

“Then how will I know what to stop singing?”

Dream eyed you, nearly glaring at you; while you proudly stood in front of him and wore a wide playful smirk. Your eyes were alit, twinkling with trickery and also love.

He huffed. “Please, love.”

“Just one hum.” You hold up one finger, smiling at him. “Or how else will I know?”

His eyes flickered to your finger then back to your eyes. Dropping your hand, you smiled at him. His love - you - was so full of light, so full of love; and so full of playful taunts. This song was just one of many.

“And if you don’t, you might not get any dinner.” You added.

“Really?” He leaned into you, his eyes now twinkling. You always had this effect on him. You pull out such a fun, loving side. One he didn’t know existed until you came into his life.

“Really.”

“And if I refuse? I can find food elsewhere.”

You paused, considering it for a moment. “Then I would be very upset.”

He laughed once. “Of course, and we don’t want that.”

“No, we wouldn’t.”

He smiled, wide and true. “Only for you, my love. And just this once.”

He lightly grabbed your chin, drawing you close. This was for you and your ears only. Excitement rippled over your skin. Is he actually -

A hum rumbled in the back of his throat, the beginning of a tune. His lips parted as - to your surprise - Dream truly started to sing. “Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream.”

His deep cadence sent shivers down your spine. It was haunting, yet so beautiful. A perfect description for Dream. His voice drowned out all other sounds. You were enraptured by him, by his hypnotic voice.

His hand moved, cupping the side of your face. His lips grazed over your lips, “Make him the cutest that I’ve ever seen.”

Your heart skipped, and a warmth spread over your chest.

Seeing your stunned reaction, he smirked. “How was that? Will that satisfy you?”

You wordlessly nodded.

He chuckled then kissed you, softly. “Now, will you stop singing that song?”

You smiled, beaming at him. “Maybe -“ you paused, trying to bite back your smile - “or maybe you could sing for me again.”

He rolled his eyes, but he expected your answer. “Of course, only if you behave.”

You snorted, shaking your head. You pecked his lips, stealing one more kiss, then said, “Okay, okay, now, can you help me finish making dinner?”

“Oh? Am I allowed to eat now?” Dream teased.

You laughed, “Yes, you can eat.”

“Then I suppose I will.”

You laughed again, dragging him over into the kitchen. Neither of you were aware of the soft familiar music playing in the background.

[flyingcookierambles]

hm

i think i really hate the term messy. like. ok maybe im terminally online or something but like. idk.

as an afab acearo enby who felt alienated/alone in high school by classmates/friends who had their first kisses and first crushes and stuff, and then as an adult who goes to online queer spaces only to see stuff like “REAL queers are MESSY. we have heartbreaks and yearning and sex to make us human and real queers. all the prudes are repressed and confused and stupid and they just need to have sex with someone to be real queer people. no western culture puritan virgins allowed in our community haha cry virgins and get laid or be a gross neckbread cis man/virgin incel in your mom’s basement  >:D” and im like just standing there like. oh. ok. i guess i’m not a “real human being / queer”. (ngl, i would like the “being a man” part to be true, plus thanks to the awful economy i’ll probably live at home with my mom for the rest of my life wow love it!) i’m just. not interested in irl sex/romance stuff, like fanfic and romance books are ok i guess, i think the right term in aegosexual? im too introverted to go to parties or meet strangers on tinder and have like idk a one night stand or something and lose my chance at being a wizard by 30, plus although i do finally have a drivers license and my sister’s old car, im not that comfortable with driving around, so i have no transportation or anything.

still, its frustrating to see “queer” communities just be like. aphobic (or like whatever the word is for against aromantics as well, unless that just gets rolled into the term aphobic?). allo friendly only. they just dont say it out loud. they just say that “real queers are messy and have great sex all the time” (thats my impression at least)

i dont want ppl to sexualize my body bc its gross and im not on hrt or anything so i just look like a cis woman (ugh even writing that term makes me feel gross now) but i know that thats what ppl judge me at first glance as and i dont want it. tbh even if i were allo, i think that id only want to date other nb/trans ppl (the t4t tag) who hopefully wont judge me for my body. like. maybe if i were allo in some alternate universe, i would only date bi/pan or demi-sexual trans ppl who can understand my body issues and judge me more by personality (or, like, for bi/pan people, they likely enjoy all body types. hopefully. not just. “female” bodies. idk. the t4t tag tho, i enjoy it and am glad i learned about it recently, very helpful 10/10)

ugh i guess. just. as an ace person trying to mind my own business, its annoying to get messages from the crazy jesus freaks that i am a “woman” and i must “have sex” and “have kids” and then get messages from the (allos only but this part is silent) queer community that to be “queer” is to have “sex with strangers bc if you only want to do it with ppl you know/are in love with, youre actually just oppressing yourself with western purity culture and you have to unlearn it right now and jump someones pants or else you wont save yourself from your own oppression” and be “messy” and be “not boring/introverted” and “go to parties and have flings” and “fall in love = human and queer and messy and adult” and “use tinder” or something idk (also disregarding the issues of health/STI risk and/or the risk of pregnancy for afab people + shrinking access to birth control/abortion care. no. just go out. having a casual hookup with someone. dont worry about it, just go lose your virginity you boring loser)

like idk. i dont like loud parties like on all those tv shows of “real messy human lives” like euphoria or whatever. im still a virgin so i guess i’m just an immature boring child who cant talk to people, even tho im a boring tax paying 25 year old temp office worker with ~30k of college student debt. even though i am nb/under the trans umbrella, i guess that im not sexual enough for the queer community. i dont like alcohol since its dumb and expensive and doesnt even taste good. i dont do drugs bc i dont even know where to get them. like. idk maybe i can text one of my former college classmates and ask if i can get weed from him or something. (but like i dont even like the smell, its like a skunk. maybe if the smoking kind like joints only smell bad and the edibles like the brownies or cbd infused foods dont smell i’d try it maybe idk?)(does making my dovakhiin in skyrim buy and drink skooma count?)(does watching game of thrones count? lol (until that horrible dumpster fire of a last season, i dont even have the motivation to watch the house of the dragon plus i dont have hbo max or the computer space to torrent rips of the episodes, i think the 8th season of GOT just made me lose faith in any other GOT media/tv spin offs other than the actual books themselves lol))

like. idk. maybe to the “cool, mature, real adult queers” online im just a silly little confused puriteen cis girl whos just too deep in the western puritan culture (bruh i grew up atheist and, for better or worse, spent my high school years on reddit with “Very Cool Atheists” i am not religious in any way) and “we must save her from the christian brainwashing” and im just cosplaying being “queer” or im not queer enough to be one of the cool “Messy (TM) queers” and “once youre out of high school/tiktok/get freedom from your parents house, you’ll learn better and have great hookup culture/drinking parties in college dorms” (....i am out of college...) and “being human is feeling love and having a good cry after a breakup” (ok guess im a heartless loveless freak like a kingdom hearts enemy lmao???) or “get therapy lol” (i cant afford it nor do i have the time. but tbh i probably have undiagnosed depression or anhedonia or blunted emotions or something. is that Cool enough for you? does having undiagnosed depression make me Messy (TM) enough to be in your Cool Queer Clique with Adult Life Experiences like not being able to afford therapy and having mystery mental illnesses?)

ugh. just. frustrating.

ill cry alone later and go on some depression sub or r/offmychest or r/confessions or something and probably complain again later abt this idk im just like. ugh. saw 1 tweet about how the only way to be queer is to be Messy (TM) and im just like. no. no that doesnt make me feel connected to your community at all. maybe i just shouldnt use the label queer if im not a real enough person with enough of the right kind of Messy Life Experiences (TM) to fit in with your clique and then get up at 5:55 am to get ready to go to my second job/retail shift. you know. since im just a puriteen confused sexless/maidenless little girl. not a boring 25 year old afab non-binary virgin who just wants to chill and play video games and maybe not have existential crises over how boring and dull and drab and poor i am to not be able to afford to go to parties or travel the world/ “haha you dumb puritan american, just go to a different country to see others cultures lulz” (i have no money and also paid time off doesnt exist here + you have to put in time off requests like 2 weeks to a month in advance and i dont even have a passport) and try 80 different kinds of alcohol or not have one night stands with total strangers despite also watching law & order: SUV (yes yes i know its copaganda and therefore Bad) and try to not think about how i, a small and kinda flabby/unfit asian american afab, might be hate crime’d and/or murdered in someones apartment or something (like, even i were allosexual, i know that even within the queer community for allo people like lesbians and bi/pan women (whether cis or trans women or generally feminine leaning ppl) have some qualms with cis gay men community’s hookup culture)(like i think that there was some ad or concept for a dating app and one of the features was just a button that sent your match your exact location via gps. and all the comments and qrts were of afab/feminine gender leaning ppl being like “bro why”)(also thinking of that one tweet of a tiktok of a white cis woman putting some strands of hair in her uber’s car and all the comments were just like “terminal true crime brain rot” which like yeah theres issues with true crime and exploitation and also tiktok brainrot is probably definately a thing but like c’mon man can ppl not ridicule marginalized ppl for 5 seconds. yes, that lady in the tiktok was def white and probably wouldve gotten like 800 news stories about her if she were to disappear, but like if the tiktok were of a bipoc person leaving a finger nail clipping or hair in an uber car, would you have still ridiculed that person having “terminally online true crime brainrot” or would you have sympathized with them? why do reasonable worries get made fun of despite the current hostile sentiments towards bipoc/trans people?)

eh. rambles. frustrations. idk. im gonna finish this stupid book of skywind 2 for this bard relic weapon. as a “not real/queer enough” person to be considered “human”. just a boring gamer boy that lives in his/their mom’s house and has no life i guess.

(i feel that i have to clarify again that this are random frustrations i have and i might private or delete this post at some point idk. but like. idk. i dont care what others do in their private times. i just am annoyed when others views on how my private life should be gets pushed on me, whether it be by right wing religious people being like “when are you getting married to a man/having kids” or by the “Cool Messy Adult Queers”/”Real People” club being like “why havent you lost your virginity yet, youre just oppressing yourself and are a heartless loveless freak, you need to have the exact same experiences that we allos have to be considered a Cool Queer Adult with Adult Experiences or else youre just a baby puriteen” (ah the infantilization thanks as if i dont get that enough with me being a young looking asian american under 5 feet tall and being a “girl” (gag))(wait wow wee golly gee the thought just occurred to me, but am i just oppressing myself by making myself sexless? *gasp* im not enough a Good Enough asian american, what with the transracial adoption issues so i dont “act” asian american and cant speak mandarin/cantonese/Leizhou Min since i dont have anyone to teach me as a child, and the only focusing on study in high school/college and not going to parties at all. im just a sexless good student asian american stereotype and my entire existence is an offensive stereotype and i cant call myself asian american enough or queer enough to be considered part of those communities! *GASP* wow thanks (allos only) queer community for teaching me that i am a truly a failure as a living breathing thing. i cant even call myself human since i dont have enough Messy (TM) Human Experiences (TM) and my love/sex life (the only part of life that matters after all, not that probably undiagnosed mental illnesses of depression or imposter syndrome or other gender/racial identity issues) is just me reading a spicy fanfic or playing DOL (if ya know ya know lol) sometimes and is totally virtual, not attracted/interested in Flesh And Blood Real Life Humans who are Cool and Queer at all, i only enjoy cold lifeless passionless boring dull monochrome digital letters on a screen and thats not Cool or Messy or Real (Life) enough to be the right kind of Queer for your exclusive Queer club or label myself as Queer or Human or Adult. (aces can only be boring emotionless robots stereotype intensifies)(imposter syndrome over racial identity issues intensifies)(oh yeah i am still ace/aro but like if i had to pick a micro-label i did kinda learn abt aego recently and i think its just neat so yoink lol))

so. maybe i shouldnt call myself queer. idk.

Thought that we left this aphobic/let's make fun of any one whether they are a legit minor too young to go party/drink/do recreational drugs or whether they are an adult with financial issues or trapped in a rural/conservative area with no other irl queer friends who can't afford to go to the cool hip queer sex bar/night club like thousands of miles away in the city (ageism/classism/ and metronormativity all in one?/reverse virgin shaming weirdness/ Trauma(TM) fetishization (*insert that sexy depression girl in bed meme pic*) bs back in like 2013 -15 tumblr or whatever. but I guess I was wrong.

(Also shout out to the time when I got a papercut real bad in my college dorm when I was doing homework and my colleges stupid health center/school nurse closed at an early time of night and all they have in the waiting room was a bowl of free condoms but no free bandaid or period care like free pads or tampons iirc. You know. Reasonable stuff that everyone could use not just allos. Had to spy into the hallway of the office and saw a light on in a back office. Banged on the door and was playing loud music from my phone for a guy to come out. Turns out like admin or accounting for the school shared the space with the hallway/office the school nurse was in. Asked the guy if I could have a simple bandage and he said no. Too much health insurance documentation legal stuff to say that one bandage was missing for one single student with a papercut at 8 pm. Had to walk in the dark to CVS to buy my own box of bandaid. While it was a "safe college" neighborhood thankfully nothing happened, it was not a fun time for me as a short and physically weak person waking around alone at night. Still salty over that. So stupid. My college was so weird and dumb sometimes)

Edit: oh yeah remembered that in addition to being aego aro I am also touch adverse. Sure can't wait for the Cool Adults to just ridicule me as a loser lonely repressed virgin brainwashed by the western purity culture robot forever and tell me to just go touch grass or get therapy or something unhelpful and stupid.)

edit edit: its been abt 10 hours now my temper is a bit cooled down. so like to reiterate, i think that i do agree with some of the sentiment in the original original post about queer media being more than just pg fluff and stuff and queer stories can be 18+ and whatever, its just that this one guy’s reply was just. mask off. exclusionary. aces are not queer, aces are straight people. just. uuugh. anyways. a qrt by an ace person and then a thread/conversation with the aphobe who thinks that ace doesnt belong in queer. i think ill block this guy. seriously i thought that we left this ace exclusion in 2015 but i guess not.

editiedit a few more days later even more now that my head is cooled down from the rage mood i was in when i typed this earlier: yes. i agree with this that being sex neutral should be the way. like i said rambling incoherently earlier, i dont like the actual bad slut shaming puritan stuff of conservatives, but again, i dont like the virgin/”youre just a puritan!” shaming that excludes sex repulsed aces, people who have trauma or whatever about sex that prevents them from having sex, disabled people who physically for whatever reason cant have sex, etc., that comes from the mEsSy QuEeR (extroverted party-going allos only put this part is silent) community. putting sex on a pedestal or glorifying it, as one reblog tag on that post says, should not be the answer to slut shaming. its just a thing that some people do and some people don’t. like deciding to eat pizza or not. its a personal choice and i dont agree with shaming people for doing it or peer pressuring people into doing it before they’re ready. i also saw a screenshot of the “sex repulsed aces = puritans. all my ace friends would hand out water bottles at the orgy.” that everyones talking about and like. nooo??? again, this is the virgin shaming/sex repulsed aces/people with disabilities/trauma exclusion that im talking about from the toxic positivity/sex positive group. if people dont want to go to the orgy and hand out water bottles, they just dont want to go to the orgy to hand out water bottles. it does not equal being a “pUrItAn.” (also, do not invite me to hand out water bottles at the orgy, as an introvert and also a person who doesnt want to get covid19, i just dont like parties or large groups of any kind, the only exception being anime conventions with strict vaccine and mask rules.)

editeditedit: also yes

[thesugarhole]

@iamphibolous said:

not only that but it's also redundant! Vitaly could have very easily left it at 'incompetent'. (The following is my opinion: I feel like the r-slur also really spikes the negativity Snippy exhibits. If Snippy was going to use words like that, he probably would have long before wherever this is. Not to mention, as an unconnectable, he would have probably had such a word used against himself so like ??? :< rip I guess, watevr)

i realized i would be leaving a string of replies if i answered this the reply method so im doing the reblog method for now:

i wouldnt put past snippy to use this language in interior monologues (this is one) but like you said, either he starts the story already with this sort of language -and it would not be too out there given his personality- or, and i think it fits his negative-trying-to-be-positive writing a bit better, he would use it in a more stressful situation than a fire (something he admittedly isnt afraid of due to being on fire many times before for work). the whole biomatrix episode, for example, would probably warrant it aimed at captain, but such did not happen (i wonder why [sarcasm])

thats the first point. second point, that ties in with "snippy probably had such a word used against him" is that: this instance of its usage cannot be excused with 'ive reclaimed it'.

snippy probably had it used against him: the story heavily implies that unconnectables are 'bothersome' in that world, as they cannot communicate with others in the same method and need a lot of 'backwards compatibility' adaptations that those that can connect dont really think about, dont have the patience for, and can even perceive as annoying, much like real life and disabilities. i like to think the real world is not that bleak and people do want to look out for each other, and a similar ideal would happen in the romac world rather than the overly strict them vs us narrative. the worldbuilding unfortunately does not lean into either way; it does not prove acts of kindness or cruelty between both groups, they just kinda exist in separate spaces and clash all the time. that said, although its never proven or even implied, since everyone speaks through annet, its fair and reasonable to assume some would be thinking/talking badly about him and others. maybe it would be a small mercy that he cant actually hear them, in that case. in the past, direct verbals attacks on him (on the story so far) at least had the decency to not use this type of language

this is not an instance where he (more aimed at vitaly than snippy) can say to have reclaimed it: he can, but not in this way. afaik the point of reclaiming slurs is to identify with them, so when someone tries to use them to insult you theyre effectively disarmed by you replying "yea i am, so what?" 1 he never uses it for himself, its usually between "unconnectable" and "disabled" 2 by calling others this slur and fully meaning it, not even within the tight constraint of 'we are very close friends, know each others limits, have this slur reclaimed and use it to address each other jokingly in private conversation' for obvious reasons, no such context is here. the intent is to insult and hurt and its therefore reinforcing all its negative connotations.

again, the only slight saving grace of it is that its an internal monologue (thought crimes arent actually punishable; they happen to everyone; youre not uniquely horrible for having them etc), but its out of place regardless, and thats on the bad writing of the webcomic. were this literally anything else maybe Something could have also been said about language and slurs, the same way Something was said about capitalism, techbros, disability and gender & sexuality, even if on complete accident. oh well.

i hope this all made sense. im not making hot takes or deep cuts with any of this and while im not in the groups that would tipically be targeted by it, there were enough comorbidites when i was younger that made me, unfortunately, have my own experiences with the word and its usage -its practically the same with the same meanings in portuguese-. so i always got shit to say on it lol

tldr put him in the hole

remember when i said vitaly wanted to write the R word so fucking badly? he finally did it, and put it in snippys mouth no less

also

nice bait pilot. put him in the hole

[familyagrestefanblog]

About recent takes of Félix’ father vs Gabriel, Félix’ guilt in “Emotion” & How the amok- child abuse of Adrien works (part 0.1 lol)

Just to make this clear right from the get-go (although is sad that such disclaimers need to be made again): No, this is not written as a Félix Defense Post, this is me writing out my analysis’ and other thoughts regarding way too much out-of-context stuff from “Emotion” and the one big confirmation of Félix’ indeed BEING an abuse victim from leaks which I will only incorrperate as vague concept since tbh I dont remember details and I’m not seeking it out for this.

Aright? Let’s go!

Where is all this stuff about Félix’ father coming from? Are those from even more leaks? From what I have seen in leaks of Félix saying something about the parenting he received I too got my confirmation that Félix’ father was abusive, but where is this coming from that Colt Fathom was alot WORSE than Gabriel?

In my opinion, that directly contradicts Félix’ attitude in “Emotion”. Who knows what exactly happened before that episode, though at the very least Félix most likely knows now that Adrien is Chat Noir and thats what made such a massive difference in him:

Also there was this out-of-nowhere second carmoflaged Black Cat-like ring Félix used as amok object that looked exactly like Adrien’s, although we see later that Adrien is still wearing his? That element of the episode was ridiculously out of context, but Félix’ knowing now that Adrien is Chat Noir makes its existence and the episode overall make alot more sense in my opinion.

Its basically the only way I can properly explain anything Félix-related that happened in “Emotion”, down to his behavior when he mentioned Chat Noir towards Ladybug:

Or the way Argos straight up refused to try and take Ladybug’s Miraculous away from her by his own force. He only asked/ threatened her to surrender her earrings to him but he never went further than that. In fact, her calmly stating that she would never give him her Miraculous was what set Félix over the edge in frustration, because he knew thats IT now. Taking it from her forcefully would mean she would speak up against him when he brings Adrien back (to get the Black Cat miraculous and because Félix WANTS him by his side on good terms), but he cant snap the girl behind the mask away either or else Adrien would see him as nothing but a villain if Félix only has her earrings but SHE is gone.

If Ladybug doesnt surrender her Miraculous and remains there to ensure with her words that Adrien too should give Félix his miraculous, where at that point Félix has the chance of explaining his plan to his cousin that noone is gone for real and he just wants to create a better world for them- which in Félix’ mind lead to a scenario in which he’s not the bad guy. Look, the boy knows he, Adrien and Kagami belong to a race of enslaved magical beings and are at the mercy of tyrannical abusers (Dude, what a sentence!). I’m not expecting rationality from Félix Fathom at this point. He was still 100% the bad guy in this, but I get it.

Also Fuck u Gloob, how dare YOU leave me without actual context for this shit?? xD)

But even without that... explanation-theory of mine, in episode 18 all I can see is Félix acting on SO MUCH god damn guilt towards Adrien and trying to free him from Gabriel. He literally states he tried to succeed in this episode for ADRIEN:

Then regarding Colt Fathom’s parenting again: when Félix confronts Gabriel about how Gabriel uses them, his family, he does not treat his uncle as a lesser monster than the one Félix (may have? Idk?) known as a father:

Félix went to the upmost extreme methods to get rid of Gabriel in this episode. He sees his uncle as nothing short of a tyrannical monster that needs to get taken out with a literal SNAP so Gabriel has no opportunity to stop him and be remade with a reality changing wish.

But most importantly, when Félix called Gabriel out he named ADRIEN first:

This was NOT Félix only doing it for himself and those are also not the actions and words of a person who views Gabriel as LESS of a dangerous tyrant bc of his own father. No matter how bad Colt Fathom was, Félix is not underestimating his uncle as the madman that he is. At least not ANYMORE!

Not in a single second of “Emotion” do I get the impression that Félix has NOT finally understood in what horrible position Adrien is caught in in Gabriel’s grasp (more on this regard for the Diamond Ball in an upcoming post I’ll link HERE). Which, yes, Félix too partly caused through the s4 finale. This is most likely why he goes to such insane lenghts to try to save Adrien.

Félix feels fucking GUILTY now in hindsight for having sold the one amok ring of his cousin he already had safe and sound in his possession back to Gabriel, along with 15 more miraculous’ to make him even MORE dangerous:

Which btw, GOOD!!! He should!

Anyway. While I dont understand where these takes about how much worse Colt Fathom was to Félix than Gabriel to Adrien come from, that claim does seems to be very accurate though to Félix’ point of view of Adrien’s abuse BEFORE season 5. Hence why he was being so god damn awful to his cousin and SOLD HIM TO HIS ABUSER!

The way I see it right now, Colt Fathom was abusive on Gabriel Agreste’s level but he did it in ways more open and “obvious”.

Gabriel is an extremely abusive father, but the worst thing about him has always been that he abuses Adrien in a way for which people cannot easily get him for it. Sure, there has always been ALOT to worry about under the circumstances after Emilie “died” but Gabriel Agreste has always made sure whatever he does to his son he remains untouchable enough from a normal legal perspective.

I’m not sure if child protection services could ever have actually helped Adrien even if they tried, because while Gabriel has been stretching all lines of possible slack problematic parents are being given - because the child cant nor SHOULD immediately be taken away from their parent if not truly necessary - Gabriel has never made.. that ONE slip-up too much and too out-of-line that could set Adrien free from him.

And in my opinion, thats what the show is going for because thats what Félix realized at some point prior to episode 18 about Gabriel’s treatment of Adrien and Adrien’s own behavior towards his father, for which Félix gave him massive shit for just last season:

Félix made a full-blown 180 regarding Adrien, thats the only way I can explain it.

Its GUILT. Guilt and the desperate attempt to save his cousin from the horrible consequences Félix had a HUGE part in unleashing and to be able to somehow manage to somewhat save the strong and basically brother-like bond he and Adrien once had as cousins.

And I dont care what anyone says, its by far the one bond Adrien has with anyone besides Plagg in which he’s literally 100% his authentic self and not any degree of Adrien Agreste™ or Chat Noir™. Seriously, if you wanna see Adrien behaving like nothing but a normal boy, watch him interact with his cousin who’s basically his BROTHER.

And it doesnt even matter how much of a damn dick Félix became, in any interaction these two had in the show you could easily SEE how close these two were/are from Adrien’s behavior. Which btw, makes Félix actions before s5 alot worse, but thats the point. This is WHY he goes as far as he does in “Emotion”. Because they once HAD such an incredibly close bond as Adrien’s “naively trusting” behavior towards him always claimed.

The bond which FÉLIX comitted to burn into the ground in s3-s4:

Guilt I can only explain in the same only way I can possibly explain Félix throwing Adrien under the bus as awfully as he did til s5, and in particular the s4 finale:

I can only explain it if Félix all his life had received the other - but in this case pretty much equal - side of the spectrum of abusive parenthood and Adrien’s abuse simply looked so different and way more ”subtle” and “acceptable by society’s standarts” from what Félix’ knew as highly abusive (when he finally gained freedom through getting his ring, probably at his father’s funeral hence why Adrien wasnt allowed to be there. It’s where Félix has told he’s a Sentihuman) that he didnt recognize it as such and therefore ended up hardcore victim-blaming his cousin because he has it “so much better” under Gabriel’s fist but “still cant take initiative like Félix does”.

Félix at the end of “Strike Back” in my opinion truly thought that even though his uncle is a delusional, tyrannical man, Adrien would be the ONLY person safe ENOUGH with him and from him (I know this sounds like a hypocritical cop-out, but Félix is literally in the ONE family position as Adrien’s close and only cousin, who’s also the only other child in their families but always also lived far away enough to not be around to wittness most of Adrien’s and Gabriel’s father-son dynamic behind closed doors [especially in the last, and most crucial year], that I simply have to say that.. this is so god. damn. realistic. This is a way too realistic variation of how the once close children in abusive families end up as bitter rivals throwing each other under the bus within their own absive family system.)

Félix thought that Adrien is as per usual the ONE exception for Gabriel in EVERYTHING, so giving Papa Agreste the control object and 15 more miraculous’ he can fry his brain away with simply... wouldnt have meant endangering Adrien’s entire life in Félix’ eyes.

Which WE know is the WRONG damn reading of the situation!

But for Félix Adrien was his uncle’s one weakness “out of fatherly love” Félix most likely never knew himself, because Gabriel put/s ALOT of effort into keeping his son in the dark (”overprotectiveness”) which lead Félix to even blantantly using Adrien against GABRIEL bc he knew that threatening to tell Adrien would be the most effective way to make his uncle instantly stop denying that he’s Shadowmoth:

(Also, notice how in the upper picture when Gabriel is denying that he’s Shadowmoth, Flairmidable is shot from the ONE - the ONE - possible angle from where his character model looks similar to Chat Noir.

With whatever tons of context we are apparently missing from prior to “Emotion” regarding this entire Agreste, Graham de Vanily/ Fathom and Tsurugi mess, this visual forshadowing in “Strike Back” is in SOME WAY apparently about to become relevant now. Most likely through Nathalie but eyyyyyy, its not like we have any kind of DAMN context! <3 :D)

I already long assumed Félix’ awful but NEW behavior towards Adrien since his father’s funeral to be the result of Félix despising Adrien bc Gabriel burdened his nephew with the knowledge of being Sentihuman in the worst way and at the worst time possible while “overprotecting” Adrien. But now with “Emotion” it seemed I read it mostly right.

The way I see it, Félix did the one thing unnervingly not even uncommon in abusive families: He couldnt recognize his cousin’s extreme abuse because he was too blinded by his own that looked different, while simultaneously comparing Gabriel’s life-long treatment of him and Adrien.

And since Gabriel has probably always treated him unfairly and “worse” than Adrien in Félix’ eyes (which was probably primarily more arrogant indifference from Gabriel’s side while treating Adrien as a golden boy) Félix then most likely thought that HE was the one truly in danger of Gabriel because he isnt Adrien, when Gabriel in actuality probably wouldnt have paid his nephew alot of mind at all and would have had included him automatically in the new reality for Adrien’s sake if - ironically - Félix’ hadnt involved himself and made himself a thorn in Gabriel’s side by now out of (UNDERSTANDABLE) fear and paranoia.

So yeah, still: Fuck Gabriel.

But back to Félix’ possible abuse from his father and how that blinded him to Adrien’s:

(No, I’m not forgetting Amelie and EMILIE, this is just getting WAY too much for this one post. The three mother figures of this family (Emilie, Amelie and Nathalie) are the crucial puzzle pieces in the Agreste’s & Graham de Vanily’s narrative. I’m gonna tackle that in posts dedicated to them specifically)

If Félix for example was more physically abused with open disdain from Colt Fathom than emotionally manipulated, used and gaslit out of “love”, then he would have a hard time at first (especially if he’s UNWILLING to see it) to understand or even just recognize to certain degree all the red flags of that what Gabriel is doing to Adrien resultes/d in emotional scars so bad that Adrien was/is pretty much suicidal at times and spend most of the show stuck in his mental and emotional escapism as Chat Noir (Still, I’m also pretty sure Félix SHOULD have been the ONE person who SHOULD have recognized the resemblance between Adrien Agreste and Chat Noir, the same way Félix was able to recognize Gabriel as Shadowmoth. But ironically, for that he was too blinded by his victim-blaming of Shadowmoths SON)

And if Félix only has ONE amok object and that means whoever wore it (his father) has 100% control over him, then he could (have) significantly underestimate(d) how BAD the emotional toll on Adrien would have been all his life when he always had TWO objects and that - I must assume - resulted in two 50/50 control holds over him:

(Disclaimer at this point: The show is very consistently exploring 3 unique ways for Adrien, Félix and Kagami in how the same peacock amok control resulted in very individual abuse situations for each of them. The amok abuse is not inconsistend or poorly explained, it was never meant to be a 1 for 3 explaination the same way you cant generalize ONE case of parental abuse for ALL existing abused kids. The show is treating this as legit child abuse the way it should. And yes, I will elaborate on all of that in ALOT more detail in future.)

Meaning only Adrien’s action and emotional compliance can be controlled but not his emotions themselves, which I see no reason to not be the default for Sentihuman who only have one object. Meaning for example, that if Colt Fathom didnt wanted Félix to care about any kind of bond with another person his age but his cousin, then Félix simply would have never felt the desire to have friends and therefore also never learnt how to handle the emotional pain of not getting to have them as Adrien was “allowed to”. Adrien didnt get to have friends either, but I suppose unless you wear BOTH his rings no order about forbidding him to have friends would have stopped him from still feeling the longing to have them anyway.

So Adrien’s sounds “better enough” on surface level - which is all Félix would have seen - but its actually massively fucked up bc the clash between Adrien’s natural emotions and the actions his body and mind are forced to obey would quickly beat a young childs mind into misery and helpless fawning on their own expense just to mentally survive that constant invasion of their mind by TWO sources they cant explain to themselves.

Adrien may have been “allowed” to still have emotions but his living conditions would have quickly turned that into emotional agony because Adrien would still be forced to burry everything deep inside that clashes with his parents orders, or whenever he thinks that his behavior or voiced desires would lead to him being shut down again. Its a malicious circle that pretty much accurately represents the normal cycle of emotional oppression within “regular” emotional child abuse.

Not that being 100% controlled physically and emotionally bc of having just ONE amok is in any way “better” (Holy shit, nah!, and I’ll get to Félix’ and Kagami’s abuse in their own posts), but I cant imagine having TWO the way Adrien does as anything short of mental and emotional oppression & exhaution at best - since Adrien ever since infanthood would always have to FEEL the pain of his orders directly going against something that would make him happy/ one of his basic needs and yet he has to submit to it anyway - or basically torment at worst.

Cause can you imagine if Gabriel’s and Nathalie’s contradicting orders in “Protection” would CLASH in the same moment?? GOSH!!!

This pretty much emotionally ripped Adrien back and forth between the two wearers of his amok rings the ENTIRE TIME ever since BIRTH, which would perfectly explain why Adrien is so emotionally repressed, resilient to impossible levels and instandly tends/tended to remain in denial and fawn or submit as copying mechanism. That would have been the only way he could have mentally survived TWO PEOPLE controlling him at once against his own emotions ever since he was a BABY.

I’d say its a reality check on THIS caliber that made Félix pull a 180 regarding his attitude towards Adrien - again, most likely through Nathalie (who I think would be the most logical person for Adrien now to choose to tell his secret Identity to if he needs help in managing to keep his secret save from his father) and SHE would get Félix involved because he’s aware of Gabriel, has the peacock miraculous and KNOWS what pain Sentihumans go through. But honestly, anything in this direction is guessing into pitch darkness lol.

I have so, SO much more to say on how the control of Sentihumans works but especially Adrien’s unique case of him having TWO objects. I’ve been analysing the Agreste houshold in this regard since around the beginning of s4, but that definitely deserves its own massive post(s) the same way Kagami’s abuse via amok ring (which she got to wear ever since AFTER her debut episode “Riposte”) deserves it own post seperated from Félix’ and this one here.

This is getting SO interesting, I’m LIVING for this scale of fucked up story telling! I just wished we would get it in the right chronological order so I can look at it with all the NEEDED context, Gloob, come ON!

[alreadyblondenow]

Hold it all together

“Hey uhm what do you think about me being your sister’s boyfriend?”

Pairing: Johnny x female!reader, childhood best friends to lovers

Genre: SMUT, FLUFF

WC: 1,970k

Warnings: mentions of exchanging nudes, a lot kissing, unorotected sex, mentions of condoms, its just soft sex guys hahha mentiins of dreamies being the reader’s brothers.

A/N: NOT PROOFREAD. I’ll fix it once I have time. To the

Happy, excited, and sleepless. Today is the first day of Johnny’s spring break and he has been waiting for this day, the moment freshman year started... because this is the only time he can go home and finally see you again.

Johnny has been your childhood best friend and you two are basically inseparable. Well, except when he needed to leave for college. Of course you’re devastated the whole summer just before Johnny leaves. And it was that season, you both admitted your feelings for each other. Feelings that has been bottled up for too long finally and suddenly bursted out during a friendly kiss that turned into a passionate one which led to a slow and intimate sex the night before he left.

It has been almost half a year when that fateful night happened, but everything feels so fresh for him still. After what happened between you and Johnny, your relationship with each other did not progressed to something even more serious. Although you exchange nudes from time to time, FaceTime until the morning and say ‘i miss you’ to each other together with other sweet words.

And that is why Johnny is driving his way home to you with a bouquet of flowers on the front seat of his car, fighting through his sleepiness and keeping himself awake until he reaches your house to surprise you.

When he finally arrived first thing in the morning, he met your mom first and told you that he’s here to surprise you. “She’s still sleeping, but you can wake her up if you want to. She misses you so bad,” your mom said to Johnny. He then made this way to your room with the flowers in his hand and entered quietly, careful not to disturb your sleep. He placed the flowers on your bedside table near a photo he took for you and smiled in awe because you always cherish everything he gave you.

Feeling so sleepy and tired from the long drive, he removed his shoes and joined you under the covers. Slinging his arm around your waist and finally waking you up with soft kiss on your cheek. “I’m home,” he whispered softly. You rolled to face him, surprised but you’re both so sleepy to show it so you returned his hug and hugged him tightly. The moment you laid eyes on him, his eyes were already closed, comfortable and more than happy that he can feel your presence.

And as you both sleep together in your small bed, well, small because Johnny is a big person, you bask in his warmth and meet him in your dreams. Not wasting any second without each other.

“You must be really tired” you said when he finally woke up, raking his soft hair away from his face.

He nodded and smiled at you. Finally. He thought. “What time is it?”

“Almost afternoon. But no one cares,” you said and came closer to him, finally kissing those lips you missed so much. He rolled on top of you, putting his whole weight on you while kissing you breathlessly on the lips, neck and chest. His hands were perfectly placed on your waist, his thumb is drawing small circles on your skin and as if he’s asking permission to lift your shirt and see you without your clothes on.

He pulled away to remove his thick hoodie and plain white shirt, leaving him only with his denim pants. You noticed his body changed a lot, sure the nude photos he sends were great and it makes you miss him more, but seeing Johnny again in between your legs without a shirt on and looking hot as fuck just makes you crave for him. “This is so much better than the photos you send me,”

He let out a satisfied smile and started to unbutton his denim pants and remove it in front of you. You on the other hand, removed your pajama and welcomed him in your arms again. Kissing him deeper than ever and making him touch your boobs and squeeze them, which makes you automatically part your lips and want for more.

“Have you been fucking different girls from different sororities?” You joked in between kissing him and palming his clothed cock.

“Wouldn’t even dare. How can I even think of fucking other girls, knowing that this pussy is waiting for me?” he knew you were only joking and put his thumb on your clothed pussy. Teasing you with the right amount of pressure, careful not to make you cum so early.

“How about you? Have you been seeing other guys?” you smiled and removed your shirt, throwing it somewhere and finally exposing yourself to him. He then kissed every inch of you, hands freely roam around your body, and even tickling you from time to time.

“How can I even try seeing other guys, when I already have who I want?”

You didn’t see but Johnny smiled because of your answer while he’s placing butterfly kisses all the way down your body. Kissing you lovingly and showing you how much he misses you.

After the innocent kisses, you feel him reach for your panties and hook his fingers on the garter, slowly pulling it down while he kisses your inner thighs. Preparing you to what comes next and spreading your legs a little too harsh than expected that you yelped and your body was dragged on the mattress.

“Oops. Sorry, got carried away,” he sweetly apologized to you, kissing you on the cheek before he proceeds again.

That sudden harsh movement was the real Johnny in bed. You’ve only had sex with him once, now is only the second time. But word is, Johnny fucks hard in bed. Everyone knows that because he slept with a handful of girls during high school and you’re just this supportive friend that listens to him talk about a great night or a great fuck the other night.

“Hey,” Johnny snapped his fingers and went on top of you again, intertwining his fingers with yours and kissing your knuckles before he makes you embrace him. “What’s the matter?”

“N-nothing. I’m just swimming in my thoughts. Uhm, what did you said again?”

“I asked if you want to use a condom”

“Uh. I don’t have one... do you-“

“Nope,” he said with a smirk. You suddenly remember that he loves fucking raw but what you don’t know is, you’re the first person he ever fucked raw. “Just tell me if it hurts. Again. Okay?”

He said, and you nod. Lining his cock on your entrance while he kisses your neck and kissing your boobs as he pushes in slowly. Tighter and tighter, your grip on his shoulders becomes. The familiar stretch of Johnny’s cock just makes your eyes shut and take him whole. Savouring every thrust he gives you, feeling every inch of cock inside you. It’s so big, you tell to yourself.

“Sorry, it’s bigger now because I’m so horny and I haven’t had sex since our last” he explained with ragged breaths near your ear.

“It’s okay,” is all you can manage to say.

He fucked you slow and deep or fast and sloppy. Either way it felt good and it surprised you how long you lasted this time.

Then suddenly he pulled away, spreading your legs wider as he changes his position. Having a better view of your bouncing boobs and fucked expression that never fails to turn him on. “Fuck Y/n,” he whined and reached for your boobs as he moves slower. Matching your moans and groans because he’s so close too. He then closes the space between you two and kissed you on the lips again like you’re about to disappear any second. Holding on to your body so tight that you’re sure it’s going to leave marks. Then suddenly your eyes rolled back and you’re breathing heavily and moaning a little too loud but no one will hear. Your orgasm completely washed you away and its all thanks to Johnny.

You smiled at him and reached for kisses to calm both of you down. “Was it a good one?” He was talking about the orgasm.

“The. Best.” You said in between kissing. “Did you come inside me?” He shook his head no. “Good. I’m not on the pill,”

“Kind of made a mess tho,” he looked to the direction of where he shoot his cum and it was on your lower abdomen and bed sheets. It was thick. His cum was so thick and many, that he was already embarrassed.

“Is it obvious that i missed you?” He asked. Kissing you on your forehead sincerely before he proceeds to clean his mess up.

“I think I need to shower,” you said.

“Okay, I’ll cover for you,”

While you were busy cleaning yourself, Johnny made himself decent again and decided to go downstairs to greet Mark and Jeno, your brothers. And eventually have breakfast with them.

“Hey uhm what do you think about me being your sister’s boyfriend?” He casually asked them and stuffed sausage in his mouth.

“Heck yeah that’s what I’m talking about man! Yo, just dont hurt her” Mark exclaimed in excitement thens suddenly turned serious.

“I won’t,” Johnny answered.

“And don’t make her miss you too much because you know we cant trust long distance relationship these days,” Jeno added.

Johnny agrees and said, “I will visit her every month”

“Don’t get her pregnant. I mean yet- get her pregnant when it’s the righ time- you get what i mean” Mark awkwardly added.

“O...kay. I’ll use condoms from now on. Anything else?”

“Dude just make her happy like you always do,”

“I will” Johnny said with a proud smile.

“Aren’t you boys should be cleaning the pool?” And the two boys immediately scrammed and quickly did their chores. Leaving you and Johnny in the kitchen with the food. Pinching Johnny’s cheek because now that you can see him clearly, you see a lot of changes.

“Only you can do that to me” he said then caught your hand and intertwined it with yours, he has become bold you notice. He pulled you closer to him while he finishes his juice, but the atmosphere is hetting a little stuffy and awkward so you tried having a conversation.

“Do you want to shower? I still have some of your clothes” you offered.

“Mhmm. Keep those, I have stuff in my car”

You nod and suddenly it was silent.

“Hey y/n, I was thinking of making it official between us. I mean if you want to. I just think that we’ve been flirting with each other for some time now and wed make a pretty good team,”

“ I thought you’d never ask. Took you longer than expected tho,” you put another sausage in his mouth ”The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return.”

“Im just scared to fuck it up,” he sighed in relief “thank you for loving me back. I promise to take care of you 5000 more times than before”

“I’ll do the same... and wow you just asked me to be your girlfriend in the middle of our kitchen. How romantic.” He smiled handsomely then suddenly remembered one last thing.

“Oh by the way we uhm we need to start using condoms. I promised mark,”

“What-“

“I know right. Fucking you raw is good but your brother said to not get you pregnant”

“Ugh mark...” you moved your chair and hugged him tightly feeling him kiss the top of your head and cheek nonstop while you continue to eat.

The day may have started filthily, but it ended with a decently soft kiss on your temple from your best friend now boyfriend.