#the last time this happened i actually went and got evaluated because i was like ….there’s no way….

[marsipaniscool]

halfway tempted to yell “post up hoe” at his (?) hiding place half tempted to spend the night with a friend

[angelsdean]

*record scratch* freeze frame. Reality Check. "You're the one who came and got me at school. You're the one who dragged me back into this." let's re-evaluate that statement, Sam, because that is not, in fact, what happened.

The context in which Sam makes this statement is that he's arguing Dean used to care about the revenge quest and killing the demon because Dean is the one that came and got Sam and thus "dragged him back" into the quest to kill the demon. But, that is not why Dean went to get Sam at school, it was to find John, who was missing and possibly dead. Dean didn't even Know about the demon at this point (they don't find out that "the thing that killed mom" is a demon til 1x11) or that John was closing in on it. Dean goes to Stanford to ask Sam to help him look for John, that's it. Then, at the end of 1x01 Dean brings Sam back to school in time for his interview as promised, and drives away. He only turns around when, in the deleted scene, he notices his watch has stopped, cluing him in that something is wrong. And he gets there in time to save Sam from the burning building.

Sam then makes the choice to leave with Dean because now that he's lost someone, he is personally invested in finding John because John knows more about the thing that killed Mary (and now Jess) than anyone, and Sam is the one who is now consumed by the need for revenge and the first step in getting that revenge is finding John, something he had no vested interest in doing before, but is now heavily invested in, even more than Dean is, as we see throughout the first half of s1 where Sam is often the one calling around looking for John and is more interested in searching for John than taking on random cases.

Anyways, it's just so interesting to track this revisionism of events and how both Sam and Dean come to accept this as the truth when it's literally not what we saw happen throughout the season. And we see Dean start to absorb this belief after Meg plants the seed in their heads in 1x16, trying to drive a wedge between them, by falsely saying Dean "drags Sam around like luggage" when literally the whole reason Sam and Meg meet is because Sam wanted to part ways in 1x11 and Dean let him go. Sam then comes back and decides to stay all on his own, even after Dean offers to drop Sam off somewhere.

Dean expresses in 1x16, that yes, he wants Sam around, he wants his family together again, but at the end of that very episode Dean is also the one who says they need to split up from John, even though it's the last thing he wants. Dean consistently is willing to let people go, even if it's not what he personally wants. And especially Sam. Over and over throughout the season he expressed how he wants Sam to have a normal life, is willing to let Sam go, or stay in some random town and drop the search for John. So even IF Dean did secretly want Sam to stick around when he went to get Sam at Stanford, he never expected it. Never enforced it.

That Sam comes to think Dean "dragged him back" into hunting is a purely revisionism and a bit of projection, I think, because Sam might not want to face the truth of the matter which is that he consistently chose to stick with hunting, and actually enjoys it more than he'd like to admit. And, as both he and John express, this quest to kill Yellow Eyes becomes "their" obsession. Not Dean's. Dean is the one who says he'd rather they never find the demon if it means losing his family. Dean is the one that says getting revenge isn't worth dying for. And then, Sam takes this to heart, when at the end of 1x22 he refuses to kill John Possessed by Azazel at Dean's pleading, AND when he tells John that killing this demon does not come "before everything" while eyeing Dean bleeding out in the backseat.

Dean was never the one invested in revenge. He did not come get Sam from Stanford to aid in the family revenge quest, he came for help in finding their missing father, something Dean cared abt simply because that's family, and Dean cares deeply, despite everything John put them through. Dean is the one that cares, the heart of the narrative, etc etc. He comes to Sam because he is alone in the world, because their only other blood relative is missing, because it's a very human thing, to reach out, to want family around. And still, he was always going to let Sam go after the 1x01. He didn't like it. It's not what Dean wanted. But he was going to let him go back to his life. Sam chose to follow Dean and continue searching for John.

[moonydustx]

So I have this thing...

I need more Law x Reader fics pleeeaassee (；ＴДＴ)

Anyway...

May I ask a reader (up to you what gender) reacting to law proposing to her? Which I doubt canon law would even do but I guess since it's fanfiction, who cares if it's Canon, right???

OMG, this is incredible, hold my hand and I'm with you on this, thank you so much for the request. In my HCs on the Law (I will still post them) I think if it was important for him to do it without even blinking. Surely it would be something more discreet, a small ceremony between just two? I don't know, I might be rambling too much.

Apologies because I didn't have much time to review and maybe I got carried away writing it. I hope you enjoy!

Important: italics are for flashbacks and character readings aloud.

The proposal - favorite moment (part 01)

Part 02 - Part 03

Law counted the minutes until night arrived, it was one of his favorite moments. That was when you would sneak around the submarine and end up knocking on the door on it. In most of these situations, you didn't get out anytime soon. He's not much of a follower on the calendar, celebrating each month together - and come to think of it, everything happened so naturally that it was decided on which day it started to be difficult for you to be a boyfriend.

Like so many other nights, you found yourself doing what was one of the only things Law could name as a hobby. You were nestled between his legs, your body resting on his chest as you attentively read another book. He found himself leaning against the wall, one of his hands resting on his body while with the other he tried to leaf through one of the new editions of Sora comics that he had picked up on the last island he visited.

He had already lost count of how many times the two of you had wasted hours tangled up in his bed reading and something else he was used to hearing you sniffle at something, like you were doing this time. His eyes looked away from the painting and went straight to where you were reading, just out of curiosity. The other times you were sniffling, he had found you reading about some character who died, some reunion, some couple who got together. This time, from what he could see, it was a marriage proposal.

He already knew it was an important topic for you. He also knew that if he had to choose to spend his entire life with someone, it would be you. Law had thought about the hypothesis a few times and when reading the small excerpt from the book, he let himself think about the idea.

"Wow." your feet were planted in front of an immense showcase. Dresses were stacked side by side in various sizes and textures, some with huge trains and others full of silk.

"Don't tell me you're one of those marriage freaks." Ikkaku planted himself next to you, next to Bepo.

"They are beautiful." the bear confirmed, touching the glass.

"Not freak…" you tried to find the words, you really didn't want to sound like a crazy person. "I mean, marriages are two people coming out in love to the world, to the government, to whatever god they may believe in or to no god at all, as if nothing could intervene or separate them."

"Okay, insane then." Shachi appeared behind you, mumbling.

"Actually, that's a nice way of thinking." Ikkaku replied to him, watching you just shrug. "And I won't deny it, they are beautiful dresses."

"Time to go." The captain's voice echoed closer than you imagined, as if he had been there the whole time listening.

Seeing the crew members move forward, agreeing to the captain's request, Law took a few seconds to evaluate the display that had distracted everyone. He could just be daydreaming, but one day you would look incredible wearing a dress like that along with the new name you would carry. Ms. Trafalgar.

From that day on, the idea of ​​proposing to you never left his mind, Law just needed to find the perfect opportunity and it appeared before his eyes.

"Okay…" your choked voice took him out of his reverie. "That's enough tears for today and I'm getting sleepy." you closed the book, turning towards him and snuggling even closer against Law's body.

"Do you mind if I keep reading some more?" he asked and you just mumbled no. His hand got tangled in your strands of hair and it didn't take long for unconsciousness to take you away.

Law gave himself a week to put the plan into practice. The small room at Polar Tang was tidier than usual however you could notice Law more tense than usual behind his back.

"Everything is fine?" you asked, quickly turning to face him. Law seemed distracted from the book in his hands.

"Everything amazing." his lips quickly touched the top of your head. It was now. All the other battles he had faced had not even come close to the anxiety he felt at that moment. "That book you were reading last week?"

"Ah, it's this one. I'm almost done. It's a period romance, princess, knight and all the little things that involves." you laughed, knowing that from your description he would hate the book. "There's no point trying to convince me to read Sora, this one is much cooler."

"So cool you were crying the last time you read it." he said in a teasing tone.

In a casually planned way, even if it went unnoticed in your eyes, he placed the comic he was reading on the bed.

"It's because he was so sweet to her, made an amazing statement."

"Really? Let me see." He moved even closer to your back, looking for space on your shoulder to follow the written words and find the perfect cue.

"Here. Can I read it?"

"Please." he asked, feeling his hands sweat cold.

"Of all the countries I've visited, I don't think I've ever found a home except in you. You've been my home, my safe haven." You started reading, already feeling yourself melting with those words. At the same time, Law took out a small box hidden behind one of the pillows. "So let me be the sword that protects you, the heart that loves you infinitely. I thought happiness would only find me in the next life until I found myself lost in you. What do you mean by that, my love? So, the The knight fell to his knees, the wounds of the battle he faced seemed not to bother him, not when Annya's eyes rested on him. Annya then heard the four words that carried a lifetime of promises…"

"Would you marry me?" Law's voice echoed alongside yours.

Before you could ask what he thought, a small black box appeared in your field of vision. Inside it, a golden ring with a small heart symbol glittered. The book fell from your hands, finding your lap, as you turned to your boyfriend.

"Law?" at that moment, your voice was not the most reliable. As shaky as she was, your vision was blurred by what you suspected were tears. Your hands covered your lips, still not believing what you were seeing.

"Maybe my sword heals you more than defends you, but that doesn't mean I'll let anyone hurt you in this world. You're my home, my safe haven and I can't wait for you to be my wife. I'd even kneel, but It's a little complicated." he smiled, seeing you still paralyzed on top of him. "So, would you marry me?"

"Yes." the first time came out as a whisper. "Yes Yes Yes!" with each new time the word left your lips, you allowed euphoria to take over your body.

Law took your hand, placing a small kiss before putting on the ring and repeating the gesture, as soon as the jewel was in the place where it belonged. His hands pulled you so your legs were around his waist.

"That's…" you even tried to speak, but it was impossible to put everything you felt at the moment into so few words. You saw him pull out a ring that was the same color as yours, without all the details. "Let me do it."

Before he could put it on his own finger, you took it from his hand and repeated the same thing he had done to you. He placed a small kiss between the tattooed fingers and let the jewelry take its rightful place.

"I don't believe." You looked at your hand and then at him. "Law, that was so amazing."

"You're incredible. I can't wait to see you become Mrs. Trafalgar. My beautiful, smart, a little crybaby…" he wiped away your tears, bringing a laugh from your lips. "My dear wife."

"I love you so much." you cupped his face, taking his lips to yours.

Even though it was full of emotions and promises, it was a calm kiss. Law, like you, wanted to record every second of that moment, every inch of skin kissed, every touch.

In the end, Law was also a marriage nut - just with his dear Lady Trafalgar.

----

Little extra:

Law was never a big fan of public displays of affection, but that morning he had made an exception. Seeing you happy, showing off your new ring and the promise of marriage, ideas of what to do on the date, honeymoon suggestions. He couldn’t deny it, it was amazing to see how happy you were with the whole situation.

His happiness was short-lived when he saw three sullen faces - one of them looking like a bear - sitting in front of him.

"So Law, my friend." Penguin began.

"Shut up, it's me."

"But I'm his best friend." Bepo grumbled.

"What do you want?" he asked, trying to understand what the three were discussing so much

"Which of the three of us will be the best man?" Shachi warned and Law watched the three in front of him cross their arms and wait for a response.

Before he could respond, Law felt two arms slide and lock around him.

"We haven't decided that yet guys. We can talk about it later." you asked and watched them begin to argue among themselves who would be what.

"Thanks." Law muttered, making you laugh. You bent down to his ear level.

"And you, I'll be waiting for you in the room. I got someone to cover my duties today, now I want to continue feeling what my dear fiancé can do for me." In contrast to the whispered and sexy voice that left your lips, you left a chaste kiss on Law's cheek and left towards the dorms.

[transmutationisms]

I'm confused about your argument, if you don't think degrees should exist as a barrier for participating a particular profession then how you do believe a standard should be maintained? I'm getting an impression you've got all this experience and credentials in academia and are now basically coming out and saying it's all bullshit. And when we're talking about "cheating", do we mean like using accommodations that bend the rules or just not bothering to do the work at all?

ok you might want to read my last few reblogs, which go into some more depth on this. like ave said earlier, the university as it exists now doesn't exist to spread knowledge but to restrict it. so the idea that a degree granted in this system is primarily a means of ensuring 'qualification' is an idealist fiction. again and like i said earlier, a degree doesn't necessarily even line up with what job a person ends up getting---which should tell us a lot about what a degree actually communicates and the way 'being educated' is evaluated independently of the extent to which a person's degree actually taught them anything of value to a given profession. what a degree mostly signifies in actuality is that a person succeeded at being in school; there are many different ways this can happen (even at the advanced level---any academic can tell you, MAs and PhDs do get awarded to people all the time who are incompetent or produce shitty work). there are people with degrees whom i respect immensely, but i don't assume that an academic credential means a person is 'smart' or that their work is high-quality. like, ted cruz went to harvard and herman cain had an md; credentialled experts have fucked up the covid pandemic, produced the industry-funded work that justifies medical fatphobia, etc etc. none of this critique is a new position on my part.

fundamentally idgaf about cheating because i don't think it's unjust to cheat a system that is itself unjust. i don't think it's wrong morally to view a degree as a hoop you need to jump through in order to access certain jobs, and to do what you need to do in order to get through that hoop. in practice cheating is very often the result of students who desperately need eg to pass a class in order to keep a scholarship, who do not have the financial wiggle room to fail and are not being given options or support by profs or the institution. but tbc there is no way to crack down on cheating that only targets 'less sympathetic' cases!

[inkandarsenic]

I had a dream last night that could have been a fic and I’m disappointed that it wasn’t.

It was Buck and Eddie like after the last episode after Eddie was like “this changes nothing between us” and at first, everything was fine and normal but then it became very apparent after like six months that something very much had changed between them, like Buck was still dating Tommy and Eddie was still dating Marisol and in the field they were as in sync as ever but then everywhere else there was this weird distance between them? Like they were still best friends but like fundamentally they were Buck and Eddie instead of BuckandEddie like they used to be and everyone else in the 118+ could see it and they couldn’t

And then suddenly they could see it, because Buck was at Eddie’s and something happened and he needed to change his shirt but he realized that for the first time in years, probably since Eddie got shot, Buck didn’t have anything of his at the Diaz house. A couple weeks later, Eddie was telling the 118 a story about Chris and Buck had no idea what’s going on in the story and they (Buck and Eddie) were talking about it and they realize that it’s been a while since Buck picked Chris up from school or just like had a day that was just the two of them. And then there was some gathering at Eddie’s house instead of Bobby and Athena’s, and Buck makes cookies at his loft and brings them and Maddie points it out, and Buck has a mini crisis as he realizes abruptly that he is a guest in Eddie’s house and he was looking around and the couch was new (Marisol had convinced Eddie to buy a new one) and he hadn’t even realized.

And then Eddie and Marisol and Buck and Tommy were going on a double date at Olive Garden of all places but Marisol couldn’t make it, so it was just Buck and Eddie and Tommy and it was awkward and Tommy was like “look i haven’t known you guys as long as everyone else around you but even I can tell that there is something not right here and you need to talk it out and fix it because you’re both not the same with your lives being almost completely separate, it’s like not natural for you two.”

And they start talking except it kinda devolves into grocery store fight 2.0, about Buck not being there for Chris and not being around except this time it’s kinda on both of them and it’s really no one’s fault but it’s kinda both their faults. And this argument makes its way into their work life where they’re just not as in sync in the field.

And then something happened on a call (unclear what) that wasn’t really anyone’s fault but Buck blamed himself and the current issues he’s having with Eddie, and asked Bobby to be put on B-Shift for awhile and it was just super awkward in the firehouse and Bobby was talking to Eddie and was like “I don’t know what’s going on but whatever it is you need to fix it” and Eddie was like “I dont know what’s going on either, Buck and I just aren’t the same since he started dating Tommy” and Bobby was like “maybe you need to evaluate that because that’s something that only seems to be affecting you.”

And then like a week later, Eddie and Marisol broke up, and Marisol was all “it’s because of Buck isn’t it, you love him more than me.” And Eddie did not work through that, he just went to Buck’s despite still sort of being in a fight and they got drunk on Buck’s couch and Eddie kissed Buck just kinda out of the blue and then was like “fuck I didn’t mean to do that” and left.

Buck told Tommy immediately the next time he saw him (because he learned his lesson from Taylor) and Tommy was pretty cool about it but he was also like “hey maybe you should think about that because you don’t actually seem all that upset by the fact that Eddie kissed you just that he kissed you while you’re dating me and I feel like that says something” because Tommy is a real one.

After like two weeks wherein Eddie goes to great lengths to avoid Buck outside of calls despite being on the same shift again, and Buck talking through it in therapy and with Maddie, Buck breaks up with Tommy (who again is very chill about all of it and is like “we can all still be friends just give me a little space for a while”) and then he drove to the Diaz house and Eddie saw him pulling up and met him outside and it was raining so they really should have gone inside but I digress. And Eddie was like “Buck it’s like midnight what are you doing here” and Buck was all “i broke up with Tommy because you kissed me” and Eddie was like “fuck I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do that I never meant to get in between you two” and is just sort of spiraling and Buck can’t get a word in so instead Buck kisses Eddie and Eddie is just like “Oh. So you aren’t mad.” And Buck laughed and was all “No I’m not mad I’m in love with you”

And then my neighbor’s kid started screaming and woke me up so I didn’t even get to see the ending and I’m kinda mad about it because I wanna see how everyone else reacted to all of this

[somber-sapphic]

Hey! I was wondering if you would be down to do the sicktember (I already know my autocorrect is going to hate this 😂) but day 27 I think. The one with Marina x reader and Carina is sick. If not I totally understand

Taking Care of Her

〖Summary: Carina is sick and not doing a great job at being a patient.〗

〖Word Count: 1.1k〗

〖Pairing: Marina x Reader, Sick Carina〗

〖Notes: I absolutely can! Sorry it took me so long to respond to this one, I wanted to make sure I could have the req with the post. If anyone else has any sicktember prompts they want finished I'll link the post here and you can let me know :)) Apologies for the title, it's late and I cannot think of anything better.〗

☾Masterlists☽

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“Carina, there’s no way you’re healthy enough to be here. Let me take you home, please.” You begged, hugging a clipboard to your chest as you watched your very sick girlfriend move about the on-call room. It was a slow day in the ER which left you time to chase her around instead of taking blood and treating patients. It also helped that April wanted Carina to go home as badly as you did. 

She had helped run clinic day with Maya and the rest of the crew of 19 a few days ago and had encountered the nasty flu that was going around. She’d actually been forced to deny one man a flu shot and sent him to the hospital to be evaluated by one of the ER docs. That night, she and Maya came home exhausted, making you regret not taking your day off to help them.

To make it up to them, you’d made them both a fancy bath with salts, candles, and scented candles. While they were relaxing in the bath you attempted to cook and when that failed you put in an order for the Italian place down the street. They had been incredibly thankful but Carina had practically fallen asleep in her plate of pasta, leading to an early night. 

The doctor had the next day off so you and Maya had gotten ready quietly around her and she was still asleep by the time the two of you got back that night. That was the first sign. 

There was evidence that she had gotten up, at least to eat lunch, but the fact that she would even consider sleeping the whole day worried you and your other girlfriend. The two of you let her sleep anyway, both of you hoping silently that she could fight off whatever was trying to take hold with a little extra rest. 

Of course, it didn’t. So here you were, trying to convince Carina that it was in her best interest to let you take her home instead of treating patients. There you were, blocking the exit to the on-call room prepared to shove Carina into a bed if that’s what it took. She had driven you there (a bad idea in hindsight) and you weren't sure how long it would take for Maya to get there to pick you up. 

“Y/n, I have mothers waiting for me preparing to push tiny humans out of their bodies. What they are preparing to go to is far worse than this little cold.” She insisted, bringing it back to the mothers yet again. Throughout the whole argument, she had stood firm that she needed to be fine because her patients were not. 

“Come on Car, you have to know that's a stupid point. What if you get them sick? What if you get the babies sick? Masks are great but they aren’t foolproof, what would happen then?” You challenged, raising an eyebrow at her. The woman’s face went a shade paler, something you didn't realize was possible, and she faltered slightly. 

“But, it's my job. Another doctor won't know them like I do, they won’t be able to…” She trailed off and raised a hand to her forehead, swaying suddenly. You rushed forward and wrapped an arm around her waist, quickly taking almost her complete weight as you sat her down on the bottom bunk of a bed. 

“Sweetheart, you’re sick. Let me take you home. Maya has the day off, we can watch movies and I’ll make you soup and we can get you feeling better. Please. You’re a biohazard.” You knew that last part would make her rethink her position which was exactly why you’d thrown it in. 

Carina dropped her head on your shoulder for a moment giving into the dizziness that you were sure she was feeling. 

“Please. Flu season has been bad, this will only get worse before it gets better.” As a nurse, you had been treating case after case of the flu several of them with severe enough symptoms that they needed to be admitted. You were used to rates going up during the winter but it was worse this year. 

The two of you sat in silence for a few more minutes, you rubbing Carina’s back as she carefully weighed her options. 

“Fine.” She finally said, lifting her head to look at you with glassy brown eyes. “I don't want to get the mothers sick.” You smiled, perfectly happy with that answer. You didn't care why she went home as long as she did. 

“Thank you.” 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You stepped through the door to your home and were immediately greeted by a very worried-looking EMT. 

“Hey baby, come here.” Maya breathed, reaching out her arms for the shivering brunette bundled up in yours. She broke away from you and drifted toward the firefighter, tears already beginning to form in her eyes. You sighed quietly and pinched the bridge of your nose, wishing that you knew of a way to keep her from crying. She always got weepy when she had a fever and you hated that there was so little that you could do to help. 

“I made a little blanket fort on the couch or we can go lay down in bed, what do you think?” The blonde offered, stepping immediately into the role of caretaker. She was so good at that, even you, a nurse, had trouble with it when it came to the people you loved. For some reason taking care of strangers always came easier. 

“Bed.”

It took the two of you ten minutes to get her settled, she had refused the first three sets of PJs that were offered and wouldn’t lay down until Maya did. Once the blonde was in bed it seemed to signal to Carina that she was allowed to rest and quickly cuddled up against the firefighter. 

You flipped on the TV and handed the remote to your healthy girlfriend so that you could change out of your scrubs and into sweatpants and an oversized band t-shirt. The shirt belonged to Maya, but the two of you frequently swapped clothes, so she didn’t mind. 

“Do you need anything Car? Some tea? A snack? Anything?” You offered, expecting the answer to be no. She shook her head, just as you thought she would, and reached over the EMT to grab the hem of your shirt. 

“Will you lay down with us? Just for a little while?” She croaked, sniffling softly. Her nose was running a little but she didn't seem to notice or care. You smiled and walked around to the other side of the bed so that she could be in the middle. 

Taking care of the doctor would never be an easy feat but you and Maya were more than willing to accept the challenge. Though you both were glad that she had such a strong immune system. That certainly helped. 

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[sae-something]

my extra strong PRN is working and I had 2 glasses of wine so I started rambling and spiralling.

(i'm not fine but i'm safe and just gonna go sleep now. sorry about this.)

I feel so broken. It's just fighting SH urges all day. Last week on monday, we hit something really deep in therapy. I don't really grasp the full weight of it yet, but it felt really, really big. I was overwhelmed, I told A what a young (traumatized) part was saying inside, and A helped me by holding her (imagination). She made a little bowl out of her hands and told me she held this little girl in her safe and still and calm and warm hands, and that we could wrap her in my scarf, and that all 'little girls like that' need is to be held.

And then on thursday we had the evaluation (with HT) and it felt impossibly and unbearably painful to not have any space for all that pain, for all the little girls. I emailed A on wednesday to let her know that I felt the intense turmoil inside about 'seeing her (and HT) without having space for all the pain'.

A didn't read the email until friday. So on thursday I was sitting there with HT and A and it felt like pure and absolute abandonment. To have to sit there with the two people knowing me (and all my parts) closest, and to not have any space for how I felt like a walking wound, like a vulnerable bleeding open wound. Some angry/defensive parts got really, really triggered afterwards.

Eventually A replied to the email on friday and it was a good reply. It made me cry. And I have been counting down the actual hours until therapy again. And then this morning she emailed to cancel.

And also last night I had a dream. My sister finally came to me and in my dream I felt a wave of sadness and relief - until I noticed that my sister could not even look at me. She was just emptily staring at a spot next to me as she told me: dad is dying, you have to come to say goodbye. I went there, and my mother and sister just ignored me. It was like being invisible. They were making me wait until I could see my dad. By the time they finally came to get me, he had already died.

I woke up and went to pee. Didn't have many feelings (some confusion about whether it was real; a few tears - then back to sleep), but it's been haunting me all day. Both my parents had so many health scares over the last year. What if something happens? Will someone notify me? How will I feel? What will I do?

And then I couldn't see A today. When all I needed was her. I've been calming myself down by imagining seeing her again. And now she's gone. And this week, precisely this week, I am going to visit friends in Belgium thursday til saturday. And only two weeks ago A told me she could see me on thursday (online) this week. But that's not possible because I have to catch the train sometime in the morning.

And now all of it just feels like it's my fault. I wanted A too much, so she got sick. I had too many emotions, so she got sick. I decided to not see her twice this week, and she got sick. I wanted her too much, I wanted her too little, I felt too much, I shared too little. I should have flipped out on thursday, would that have mattered? All I want is to hurt myself. Pain pain pain pain pain. Please. I wish someone would just hurt me already.

Sorry I'm getting more and more triggered so I'll stop writing now and just go lay in bed. Only 2 days of work this week - tuesday and wednesday. And then days with friends. On sunday I'll watch both frozen movies with a close friend. And then hopefully A will be back??? Obviously britney, mara and whoever else is angry and distrustful is growling "we're NOT going back" but like. I will. I always go back. I've always been the one to crawl back, begging for another crumb of kindness, another drop of warmth.

I am drowning in longing. I just want A. I want to be a child and to have A as a mother. Even if I'd get born again with a whole new life and I'd get another mother who would hurt me, I'd want it to be A. (I know how fucked up that is to write.) (It's just how everything is messed up. Love comfort longing safety --- pain sexthings terror - what's the difference? What's the difference? Nothing, nothing, nothing. It's all the same. The only thing that's changed is that I am now close enough to other parts to prevent them from emailing A, begging her "will you please hurt me".

Which is good but also means it's not even getting out anymore. Everything is just stuck inside. I'm so alone. No one has ever loved me and no one ever will. Please hurt me. Please hold me.

[enbymaths]

Life update/vent/stress in academia

I'd like to preface this with the following two points:

1. this is going to be some kind of explanation for my hiatus and it's going to be pretty heavy so please watch out for TW drvg use/anxi3ty/depr3ssion

2. if anyone who knows me IRL sees this, I implore you not to approach about any of this stuff, I don't want to make all of this some soppy story about poor little me

Since the beginning of 2024. I've been sick on and off every couple of weeks, my nose'd be runny for like a week or so and then I'd be fine for a couple of days and that cycle would repeat itself every couple of weeks until I got really bad stomachaches that lasted for 8 weeks until I got some antibiotics.

Those 8 weeks were a complete hell for me. One does sacrifice a lot of their life in order to succeed in academia, but health? That's scary.

So I decided to try and not to stress myself out about my upcoming exams, keep in mind the fact that I'm in my last year of undergrad. After those 8 weeks have passed along with additional 2 weeks full of doctor exams, I went back to studying for the upcoming exam season which was now in a couple of weeks.

My college isn't the most organized one, and that exam season was stretched out over the course of two months and now I had only 4 weeks to prepare myself for the upcoming exam season and I was stressing out really badly. My health has been on a decline for about two years, and all the doctors have been saying that it is due to stress, not trying to do anything about it actually and they'd prescribe me some b3nzodiazepines and beta blockers.

The thing that they didn't take into account is the fact that I was prescribed b3nzos for my insomnia along with melatonin for the past 4 years. I'd take them pretty much every night because I just wasn't able to sleep.

And my exam season came along, and I failed pretty much all of my exams, miserably. I was hoping that I'd be able to finish my degree in time despite my declining health, and no, I wasn't able to pull off such thing. Life happens.

After that and a cardiac episode that I had on my birthday, I was sent to a psychiatrist for evaluation because of my blood pressure going sky high and random muscle twitching. I thought I did pretty fine, but the psychiatrist told me that I should 'worry less', 'go out more' etc. and sent me on my way home merrily with a prescription for 5 drugs, two of which were add1ctive.

Now that one month has passed, I can say that I haven't taken any of those meds, primarily because I believed that I can beat this on my own terms and I was scared of taking more add1ctive meds-at the end of the day, I was taking b3nzos for the

last four years

for my insomnia.

And I was kinda successful, up until today. Last couple of days I tried to go to sleep without taking my nightly b3nzo and I was able to pull it off!

For 3 days.

And I'd sleep!

Poorly.

And finally, I had a mental breakdown where I realized that I was really depressed, I had all kinds of thoughts flying through ny head and I couldn't calm myself down. And what did I do? Well yes, I popped a x4nny. And I became a completely different person. No more dark thoughts, no more sewer slide ideations, life had meaning again and then it hit me-unbeknownst to me, I have developed a b3nzo add1ction.

Then I tried to google a couple of articles about long-term b3nzo abvse and I came across this one article on

where they talked about people feeling a sudden decline in their health after years of taking b3nzos and it hit me.

I wasn't depressed.

I went through withdrawal symptoms. I am addicted.

So the next step? I'm going to talk about my b3nzos problem with my psychiatrist this monday and take the right course of action, maybe ask for a second opinion, to ask them to reconsider my diagnosis and delegate me to another clinic if necessary. My problem may be very much real, and I have caused it.

All of the symptoms and diagnoses that were listed on the site above as misdiagnoses for long-term b3nzo abvse were all once considered as diagnoses for me in this past year. Immensely weakened immune system can be explained by prolonged b3nzo abvse. And the scariest thing about all of this?

I wasn't aware that I couldn't make it without my body aching for meds.

All of this stress, all the worries about my grades, academia and my future and I wasn't even aware that I was add1cted to my meds. Just because I didn't take care of my well-being and didn't notice that I wasn't able to stop taking my meds.

The point is that health comes first and academia will always be second. Do not sacrifice yourself for academia, and if you're going through similar things right now, I hope that you know that we're making it out of this b

[cosmicjoke]

I know you don’t really like JJK as much anymore (rightfully so) but I was curious your thoughts on fanon Gojo vs canon Gojo.

I see a lot of the your analysis on Levi which I think a lot of fanon Levi is because of people trying to change him for a shipping purpose (usually Eruri people) or just twisting him into what they want because he’s attractive. Seems they do the same to Gojo. I find interesting as they are both the most popular from their series.

Hey there,

Yeah, there's definitely a lot of the same thing going on with Gojo as with Levi, with people basically projecting what they want him to be onto his character, rather than just taking what we have in canon and evaluating that.

I also think people tend to take Gojo's character at face value, i.e. he acts childish and silly, and so they think he really IS childish and silly. But he's clearly much more than that, and I think it's pretty obvious that those traits of his are just a facade, a coping mechanism he's developed to help deal with his grief and isolation. Not to say Gojo isn't really a fun-loving person. I think he is. I think a lot of that, like his obsession with sweet things, and his hyper-active personality, is a manifestation of never being allowed those things as a child. So he's sort of living out the experiences as an adult he was always denied as a boy.

But I also think Gojo is extremely intelligent and, underneath it all, very serious, especially about his desire to restructure the Jujutsu world into something more supportive and nurturing for young sorcerers. His own experience as a youth was to be used and regarded as a weapon, not just by the higher-ups, but also by his fellow students. Nanami asked at one point "why can't Gojo just take care of everything", and that's pretty awful, I think. Like Gojo wasn't even a human being, but a tool to be deployed when things got too hard for everyone else. As if all the fighting and death wasn't also having an impact on him.

This notion that Gojo doesn't care about anyone but himself, or isn't impacted or affected by the deaths of his fellow sorcerers, or even just regular people, is wrong, I think (though given the way Gege character assassinated Gojo is the last chapter he was in, he sadly gave the haters plenty of fodder). But we saw how deeply grieved Gojo was over what happened with Geto, and how Geto's death continued to affect him up until the day he himself died. We saw Gojo do his absolute best, and work himself to exhaustion, trying to save as many people as he could in that train station before he was sealed. We saw how much Gojo went out of his way to give Yuji, and Megumi and Nobora actual, childhood experiences by taking them out for food, out to see the town, etc... He didn't want them to lose their childhoods, the way he lost his. He put himself in a position to be killed by Toji because he exhausted himself so completely trying to protect Riko, and spent so much extra time with her vacationing, all while never turning off his CT, because he wanted her to experience something good before giving her life up to Tengen. He also was willing to go against the higher-ups and Tengen and fight for her against them, if she decided she didn't want to be the Star Plasma Vessel. That doesn't strike me as someone who only cares about himself, or only fights because he "gets a kick out of it", (thanks again, Gege).

So, yeah, I think Gojo really cared deeply for other people. He just hid it well behind a facade of blase, fancy-free behavior. But actions always speak louder than words, and Gojo's actions tell the tale.

[donnerpartyofone]

I feel like there's an epidemic of businesses trying to make customers and applicants do free data entry for them and it's driving me crazy.

I have complained many times about how seeing a doctor now involves checking in online, and then entering duplicate information into something else when you check in physically, and then answering duplicate questions once you're actually inside the exam room. Sometimes somebody addresses this in a humane way: "Sorry, we're using a new CMS and we have to do all this stuff from scratch," or "Sorry, we have to use these three different systems and they don't communicate with each other." Last time I went I did all this like research into my past appointments because I never ever remember off the cuff exactly what day I had this or that procedure, and I had every impression that the clinic was dependent on me to have all my medical records memorized...so I got in there and started rattling off information, and the nurse asked "When was your last mammogram?", and I gave her the date, and she looked at her monitor and said, "...yup, there it is!" Like WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, IF IT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU WHY ARE YOU QUIZZING ME ABOUT THIS, WHY IS THIS A TEST???

I actually asked about redundant check-in procedures on Quora of all places, figuring there had to be a few cantankerous cranks on there who could at least try to explain this to me, but there were absolutely no takers at all. As far as I can see, literally no one knows why this is happening, it's just The Way It Is.

But anyway. Now I'm having this experience with job applications where they request that you upload files for your resume and cover letter in specific formats...and then they direct you to this interface where you are made to transcribe every detail from the resume you just provided by hand, one field at a time. I've been confronted with this insanity when applying for jobs whose wages weren't even worth the mind-numbing exercise of the application process. And actually this is part of my point: Data entry is a JOB. I have had this job. I was paid to examine, reformat, and transcribe data, and upload it to a database for my company to search and cross-reference in the future. If you are an employer and you absolutely require BOTH a pdf of my resume and cover letter that a human being can read and evaluate, AND each piece of data from those documents individually entered into your database for some other form of storage and review, then it is seriously fucking Up to You to pay some wage slave to enter the data. I'm looking for a job. I'm not going to do a job for you for fucking free, in order to become eligible for a job that you might consider paying me for later. Like please don't call me a fucking idiot to my face--or at least, if it's the database part that's the most important thing to you, do not also require me to create a nicely-formatted document containing my history and intentions. Let's just get right to the forced data entry part, let's start this awful relationship from a place of honesty at the very fucking least.

N.B. I realize that there are multiple reasons an employer would do this to a person, ranging from algorithmic candidate-sorting to just having outdated-ass job site shit in place that they don't feel like reviewing or revising. I don't really care why it's happening, I just hate that it is. Recently I tried to apply for some $15/hr part-time job at a local museum that a caveman could do, and I stopped cold when I realized I had to transcribe every detail of the documents I just gave them into this bullshit backend website that looked like it was about a thousand years old. No Thank You. Currently I'm all worked up because I just applied to work at a hip, culty, local theater, and I was shocked that after completing the totally normal application routine, I received an automated email directing me to "complete your profile" as "an important part of the hiring process" on the website of the company they're outsourcing all their HR and billing stuff to. And I go look at the profile thingy, and of course it's just this needlessly complicated interface where I can individually enter each and every piece of information that I just provided in my resume--no more, no less. The theater has exactly two locations and is kind of a niche operation and it is absolutely crazy to me that they think they need to pay for this extra layer of stupidly bloated and redundant "talent acquisition" processing when they're hiring for like two or three basic ass hourly roles where half the question is going to be "have you done this normal shit before" and half will be "can we stand your personality". Nobody needs this garbage at all, least of all ME.

[landosgirl97]

Heart Rate Part 2- Bradley Bradshaw

It took Bradley until the next day to get up the courage to text you.

Unknown Number: Hey, this is Bradley. The aviator you did the evaluation on yesterday? I was wondering if maybe I could bring you lunch today? I have a few weeks off after our last mission.

You smiled to yourself when you read the message, hoping he would text you soon.

Y/N: Hey Bradley! I’m glad you saw my note..yes, you can bring me lunch if you’d like, unless you like hospital food?

Bradley: Okay, there’s a good burger place a few blocks from the hospital. I’ll stop by there on my way.

Y/N: Sounds great! See you at.. 12:15? I’ll try to be on tie but I can never promise I’ll be on time.

Bradley: I understand. You do what you need to, save lives and such. See you at 12:15.

Bradley got in the shower, go himself ready and called Maverick to see what he should wear.

——

I tucked my phone back in my pocket and continued my charted until Dr. Brady approached me. “So… the aviator from yesterday… did he finally make a move?” I smiled and looked down at my keyboard again, biting my lip. “I’ll take that as a yes?” I looked at her and nodded my head. “He’s actually bringing me lunch today from that burger place down the street.” She smiles at me. “Hmm.. why don’t you take a long lunch today. Take an hour and not thirty minutes. That way you guys have time to talk. I’ll page you if it’s urgent.” Dr. Brady killed over Katie, my coworker, “would you cover Y/N so she can take a long lunch?” Katie smirked, “sure, hot date?” I nod and she waves me off. “Absolutely, I want all the details after though”, she winks before heading to her patient’s room. When the clock hit 12:10, I was on my way to the locker room to grab my sweater and fix my hair when my pager went off. I made my way to the room of the patient that paged me, but first I told Bradley I may be a few minutes late. He said it’s okay and he’d wait in the lobby. After close to ten minutes, I made my way out of the room and washed my hands and let them know I was leaving. I made my way to the lobby, seeing Bradley sitting there with the bag of food and scrolling on his phone. I walked to him, tapping him on the shoulder. “Hey Bradley, sorry I was late. Ready to eat?” He nodded and stood, following me out to the outdoor dining area. “Is this okay? It’s quieter out here so I thought it would be better to get to know each other.” He smiled at me, “Sounds perfect. How long is your lunch? That way you can get back on time.” I smirk at him, “an hour. The doctor that saw you the other day? She’s pretty invested in this and gave me a long lunch.” His head snapped up at that, smirking. “Oh, talking about me, huh?” I giggle, feeling my face flush as I unwrap my burger and nod. “Maybe.. but just because I was excited to see you again.” Now it was his turn to blush. “Well, I’m glad. So, what made you want to be a nurse?” We spent the whole time discussing and getting to know each other. Bradley was telling me stories about his time at Top Gun and all of his friends here. “So, does that mean you move around a lot then?” I ask shyly, eating a French fry and hoping against hope that he doesn’t move around. He clears his throat and swallows, “well, it’s not confirmed yet, but I got offered to teach here at Top Gun next year so I may be staying. After our challenge, they kind of gave us a choice. So even if I don’t teach, I have the option to stay here.” I nod at him in understanding. “Why? Want me to stick around?” He smirks at me. “Maybe. We will see what happens from here.” My timer went off says that we had about ten minutes left of our date.

“Want me to.. walk you out?” I looked him in the eye and hope he catches watch I’m trying to do. He must have, because he gathered our trash and stuck his hand out for me to grab. I grabbed it, lifting myself from my seat as we walked hand in hand out the front door. He led me to a blue vintage Bronco. “Oh my god.. I LOVE you Bronco! It’s literally in my favorite color.” Bradley smiled. “It was my dads and I’ve just always kept it. I’m glad you like it.” I smiled, leaning back against the drivers door as we swung our hands between us. Bradley stepped closer, lifting my chin to look him in the eyes. “Can I..kiss you?” I nod, wrapping my arms around his neck as he leans closer. When our lips finally met, a fire lit inside of me. I had never had this kind of connection with anyone on a first kiss. He was an incredible kisser, his plush lips against mine and his mustache tickling my top lip. He licked against my bottom lip and I opened them, letting his tongue into my mouth. I loved the taste of him on my tongue. I gripped the back of his neck, pulling him as close as possible to me, until he had me practically pinned against the door. We pulled away and he smiled down at me, brushing a thumb over my cheek as he looked me in the eyes. “You are seriously incredible. Would you maybe be okay with a second date?” I smiled up at him nodding with an enthusiastic, “I would love that.” He leaned down to kiss me again when my pager beeped. “Shit, I’m sorry Bradley. I have to get back. I’ll text you when I’m off work?” He just nods and gives you a quick kiss on the cheek before you make your way inside. Bradley smiles to himself before getting in his Bronco. He couldn’t wait to tell the Daggers about you.

[chirpsythismorning]

I love the twelvegate theories you've got floating around but it's kind of true without all your time travel/twin theories to support it. He was in the lab being evaluated and tested after his return from the Upside Down (which hits very differently now we know they were probably hunting for Henry and were testing Will to see what could have happened to Henry when he vanished into the Upside Down), so he could have been assigned the number 12. Time travel isn't needed to make it a workable theory. Eleven and Twelve are going to have to team up to defeat One.

Anything is possible!

I mean, I personally subscribe to the theory that Will was in the lab as Twelve during the massacre alongside El, which is very likely what Owens and Brenner were referring to when they were arguing over the memories they were about to show her in 4x07: The Massacre at Hawkins Lab, meaning what is presented as the final truth, isn't even the whole truth:

What we got in those flashbacks of the massacre, all throughout s4, was them constantly making a point to use close-ups for the tattoos 5 & 7 (12) every. time. No other numbers were focused on, only those two. We see that the actor who was cast as 12 looks identical to young Noah with a bowl cut in a previous role. We've got dozens of references to time travel and Back to the Future, going back to the very first episode with Will being referenced to it in his Marty McFly jacket. We even get El saying --We're all time travelers if you think about it in the opening of s4.

Do I completely understand how this will play out in regards to time traveling? God no. Jesus no. I am open to the possibilities of time travel (specifically time loops/pocket universes/the prospects of time powers and how that could result in different probabilities/etc.) bc there's been so much foreshadowing for it. That's it.

I feel like a lot of fans will say confidently that this or that wont happen, merely because they personally don't want it to happen, regardless of the set up pointing to it. I know time travel is one that literally the whole fandom has voiced discontent for possibly playing a role at some point, and so could that fandom wide discontent contribute to how they go about this, fearing to piss a whole audience off who is not willing to handle a revelation that could involve time implications? Honestly, perhaps?

However, I think if anything they're going to try to make it as easy to understand as possible as opposed to scrapping it merely bc they're scared to piss of fans. They've voiced over the last couple years that they've felt pressured to give the audience what they've seemed to want for years, but that they can't do that forever and they're at a point where it's endgame, and now it's about making it clear where they stand and what they want the message of the show to be as everything comes to a close. They've said that they're going to stick with the vision that they want for the story, and try not to let fans opinions dictate too much bc otherwise it snowballs and eventually they're not doing anything for themselves and or their story anymore, and that's when they start to lose their focus.

When it comes to El and Will being twins, it's based on a shit ton of evidence, it was something that was more subtly hinted at in s1-2, but in s3-4 they pretty much went all out. It is actually quite similar to the build-up of byler in that sense.

I urge you, if you're genuinely curious about this theory and why I subscribe to it without feeling much doubt, please read all my #twelvegate / #willel literal twin posts and then get back to me.

I get a lot of asks like this, where I wonder if the anon has even read my posts that discuss the evidence, bc most times they'll ask things i've already answered. Which is fine! You do not have to read theories if you don't want to!

However, I just feel like it would be a lot easier to read those posts to see all of the evidence and decide for yourself.

Honestly, it might be time that I made a master-post for twelvegate and just about everything else I've made big posts about, bc then maybe it would be easier for others to access those theories and then we can get back to each other about questions or inconsistencies that any of you might want to discuss with me!

[ijswezel]

okay so shortly after i moved in here i was woken up at a silly early time of the morning, like half five or so, by someone tapping on my bedroom window. like a sequence of three or four times followed by a pause of fifteen seconds or so

i laid there hoping whoever it was would remember that they have a township to go to and go there instead and also why would you not just knock on the front door come on man what hideous breach of social convention was this

but it never stopped

so i got out of bed and went to the window to peek through the blinds and see what sort of armour rarity my assailant was using so i could open the door dressed in such a way that would shame them from ever gracing the premises ever again

and when i parted the blinds, upon my windowsill was sat a crow. they did the sideways head-tilt evaluation of me through the glass, which in hindsight was probably them realising Huh, this little trick Actually Worked and feeling rather pleased about it

i opened the window just a crack and the sound of it made the lil dude jump off the sill to the path but they never took flight

so i said good morning. more head tilt. a few seconds pass. i am being studied. the crow caws at me and - especially for that time of day - it's

fucking deafening

after yelling, they flew off. quite an unexpected surprise, to say the least. tame lil fella. that was the last i saw of them for a few days, but i heard that particular crow's call and voice quite often. they have been living in either the trees or the tall hedge in the garden because they frequent the garden quite a bit

then one morning the next week they did it again. tap tap tap tap

since then, this little routine happens roughly once a week, give or take. now, when i open the window, they don't get down. i've been talking to them and sometimes they talk back and for such clever birds this one has an incredibly poor grasp of volume moderation. or maybe it's just contempt; who can possibly know what devilish machinations vie for power within

i got some bird snacks in to put on the sill when they came, as a friendship bribe, and started offering them. eventually, they ate

fast forward to just now, this morning, mere moments ago, and they just ate *out of my hand* and now i'm absolutely bouncing. heck fucking yeah, i'm making friends with a crow! this is exciting

it's probably time to think of a name for them. maybe they already have one and they pay council tax and everything

[theperksofbeingannoying]

I want to get this all off my chest and quick. This is a vent. Check the hashtags for TWs please.

I’m mostly going over my experience as a queer Romanian teenager. I don’t have a platform, nor any kind of a following so I doubt anyone will ever see this. But for whoever is out there and came across my story, thank you. Someone once said that an artist’s legacy can never truly die because of the internet. They said it as a bad thing in that context but today, I’ve decided to honor my legacy and not let it die. Even if it’s not a strong one at all. Even if probably no one cares. I don’t care either. I’ll put this out there for whoever is interested in a different perspective. Or maybe, just maybe, you’re like me. Maybe you’re a gay Romanian looking for comfort. Maybe you have a shitty family or maybe you have shitty friends and you want closure. You want to confirm that we truly are everywhere. Well, I’m here to do just that. So, there it goes:

I have two cousins around my age. They’re not really my cousins but I talk to them like they were, think about them like they were and call them my cousins. We’re actually just very distant law-relatives. But they are as important to me as a cousin might be.

There’s a boy exactly my age. Which, for whoever knows is the age you normally take the EN (National Evaluation) in Romania. Then, there’s a girl five years, or so I think, younger than us. I usually have fun with them. We talk and joke around and ask tons of questions because we don’t see eachother often.

They’re on my mind because for the first time in 6 months I saw them. I spent two full days with them in the countryside. Everything was going so well. And everything went well until the end. Until the overthinking, that is. And this overthinking kept telling me the same thing over and over and over again.

What if this is the last time you see them?

Or, that is to say, the last time they want to see me. The question if we would make it simpler would be: What if they find out?

This “What if they found out?” has been the bane of my existence since I first learned I was bisexual. Here, people don’t take that kind of news especially well. My parents wouldn’t take it well, nor would the rest of my family. But I don’t think about that because I don’t get crushes often. Because the chance of my actually having a girlfriend is close to zero. However, I’ve been catching feelings for a girl I’ve met in acting class. I thought about her this whole weekend. She was the only thing on my mind when I wasn’t hanging out with my cousins. And that got me thinking.

What if it’s going to become a reality? What if the fact that I have a girlfriend will come up? What if someone finds out? What, then?

These questions are swimming through my head as I’m writing this rant. Who would be by my side? Who would shush my name? I think about the cousins. What will they say? Then, suddenly, like blunt force to the head it hits me. With a quick dash of realization it hits me.

They wouldn’t speak to me ever again.

The boy is an avid fan of toxic advice from the likes of Andrew Tate. He assured me he’s not a Tate fan, though. He doesn’t support his views on women. But does everything else. He makes casual homophobic comments which shouldn’t mean anything but they throw me forcefully out of the conversation and into a bottomless pit of self doubt.

The girl, however, she’s young. Impressionable and young. In my family that means she’s doomed. With all those slur yelling, joke making homophobes what young person can escape? Especially if you’re not queer. I almost didn’t escape and I am queer.

So, in those nice moments of bonding that we have and the nice little chats that we hold sometimes shivers run up my spine. What if? The questions ring and yell.

The boy makes a joke. What if?

The girl laughs at somebody. What if?

The family makes their daily comment. What if? What if? What if?

Of course, I wouldn’t let that happen. I wouldn’t let myself get outed. Unfortunately, you don’t have autonomy on those kinds of things. I wouldn’t even protect a fellow member of the community in front of them, nor shame them. I live in a kind of purgatory. My family is wealthy enough. At least after my grandma dies. I’ll stand up for us after my grandma dies. Yet, something tells me I still won’t. Why? Because I’m a coward, that’s why.

I look gay, I really do. They don’t want to notice that though. I live in an entirely don’t ask, don’t tell family, specifically with my parents. They would much rather like to blindly pretend than actually care for their child. Moreover, their different child. I’ve always been a different child and for that, I am doomed. Again, another endless painful purgatory.

I walk the earth between the hateful and the tolerant; my people and their people.

Us v. Them.

That’s what is playing over and over again in my head. And soon tears will start filling my eyes with the ideology. Am I part of us or will they see me otherwise? Will they see the masculine, short haired afab who doesn’t dare stand up and curse at me in their spinning thoughts. They see me, clearly one of us, marching with the others. I don’t want to be that. But, alas, what if?

I like my cousins. I wish I could see them growing up. I wish they could see me growing up. They always compliment me on my knowledge and my work. They look up to me and relate to me.

The boy relates to me because of our age. I like talking with him about that. He’ll get high scores on the EN, I just know it.

The girl relates to me because of our gender. I like talking with her about it. She’ll make a great feminist one day. Shame, that I won’t be able to see it.

I won’t be able to see anything after they find out.

I’ll go from being praised to being shunned as quickly as a body droping from one of those post-communist blocks of flats. They won’t want me there and look at me with disgust in their eyes, a slur on their lips and the preaches of AUR members in their ears.

But just thinking this drives me insane. The people who I know and love won’t love me if they knew me. They would turn around so quickly and I’ll forget their faces and I’ll move on so easily. But, once in a while, when I’ll look up and see the back of their head I’ll wonder what I did wrong. And I’ll be thinking: what if I was normal?

[ncisfranchise-source]

“Let us entertain you,” Vanessa Lachey and LL COOL J tell us when looking ahead to the latter bringing his Los Angeles character to the former’s NCIS: Hawai’i for its third season. And let’s just say that from talking to them and what we’ve seen onscreen of the two, that’s exactly what they’ll do, in and out of character as Jane Tennant and Sam Hanna.

Sam comes to Hawai’i to conduct the final interview (after medical and psych evaluations) Jane must pass to return to work following the traumatic events of the Season 2 finale. “Sam rocks the entire team in good and bad ways.  It’s going to make us all question a lot of things, and it’s going to evolve us all into a different layer and level,” Lachey teases.

“I love that NCIS: Hawai’i talks about the personal side of our work relationship and how that drives everyone,” she continues. “Because at the end of the day, you go home, you take your shoes off, and you lay in bed, and we are all human, and that’s what makes us tick. It’s our heart, it’s our mind. It’s all of that frustration, vengeance, love, sadness, hurt. And that’s really what we’re hitting at here. And I’m interested to see where it takes LL’s character because right now, without giving away too much, he’s a lot of the rock for us. I need to lean on him. Of course, I don’t tell my team that. And then at some point, we got to see the softer side of Sam.” (LL COOL J prefers the “harder side of Sam” and the action.)

Below, Lachey and LL COOL J preview how Jane’s doing when Season 3 premieres, as well as how Sam fits in.

Tennant went through it in last season’s finale. There’s a difference between wanting to be ready to be back, thinking she’s ready to be back, and actually being ready to be back. If she were to be honest with herself, where is she really at the start of the season?

Vanessa Lachey: I want to be back. It’s all I know. It is how I’m wired, and I have to compartmentalize that, and I have to jump through some hoops to get back. It is my livelihood. It’s what drives me—me, Jane Tennant, and Vanessa. But in order to do that, there’s a lot of tape that I have to get through because what I went through was very traumatic, and everyone wants to make sure that they’re not putting a loose cannon back into the field. And so I jumped through those hoops because I’ve been there, done that, and I’m a master at it, but my last hoop and the last tape I got to cut happens to be this guy who’s like, you can’t BS me. And that’s where we kick off the season, with that dynamic, with that trust, with a little bit of underlying tension, questions, and then it evolves. Our relationship on the show is like a living, breathing organism.

What makes Sam the right person to be that final hoop for her, and what might he see in her that she doesn’t want him to?

LL COOL J: Sam has so much experience and has been through so much that when you’ve been there, and you’ve really been involved in something on a deep level for many, many years, you really have a different perspective and a different POV from, let’s say, just a person that’s evaluating you, who’s not an agent, who hasn’t been in the field, whose only role is to evaluate various agents and what they’re going through. I think it’s that part of it. He speaks from a place of experience and wisdom.

Karen Neal/CBS

Looking at Tennant, he understands that she’s dealing with—for lack of a better word—a little bit of PTSD, but he also understands how important it is for her to work through that, and so he wants to be there for her. He has people to answer to, but at the same time, he wants to give her enough leeway to actually get back out there and be the best that she could be because that’s what he would want for himself. I think that respecting somebody on that level is really, really important, especially when you’re putting your heart, your body, and your soul into something.

Lachey: He’s literally been through and come out on the other side what I’m going through now. I think it’s great because it’s literally and figuratively for NCIS, the franchise, we’re taking LA and we’re bringing it to Hawai’i, the baby, and we’re nurturing it with his literal wisdom. It’s been fun for me. … And what I don’t want him to see but what is really endearing is my vulnerability, because I don’t let anybody see that, even my team. And I allow that with LL’s character, Sam. I let my guard down because sometimes, I mean, Jane’s human. Yeah, she’s superwoman, but she’s human.

I have to say, bringing up Michelle (Aunjanue Ellis played Sam’s wife, who was killed), that was such a heartbreaking storyline in LA… We also saw Sam get tortured in LA. So, he really does know everything that Jane went through.

LL COOL J: One hundred percent. Look, Sam has lost people super close to him. He’s been tortured. His life has been in danger on numerous occasions on various different levels. He’s seen team members be [killed]. He’s seen all that. So, for him, he really, really can relate to what she’s going through. I think he speaks to what’s inside of Jane Tennant, not just the tough Asian exterior that she puts out there as a leader of her team. I think you need somebody that’s going to be real with you and be honest with you, especially in a leadership position, and Sam can really relate to that.

At the same time, though, I just want people to know it’s not just all violins and sadness. There’s wit, there’s banter, there’s humor, there’s fun. There’s a lot of action. It is an entertaining ride, I think. Rollercoasters have to have it all. You don’t just want to be going uphill the whole time. You want to get some thrills in there. So we’re doing that, and I think it’s working.

The good thing is that Jane can rely on her team, so she doesn’t have to worry about that because Jesse (Noah Mills) is doing well in her absence, even if he doesn’t want the job.

Lachey: Yes, they’ve got it down. And to Todd’s point, he’s the stand-in boss, but they still got to give it to him. You gotta have the humor. You gotta have the jabs. And that’s entertaining for the audience.

LL COOL J: Even that relationship with Sam and Jesse is going to be an interesting one to see unfold. I think people will be pleasantly surprised by that. There’s a lot of things that are being addressed in this. It’s not just like plug and play. We are dealing with a lot of human issues and a lot of the relationships, the dynamics that involve all of the various people involved. I think the energy around it is going to be really fresh and new, and I think it’ll be really exciting.

Lachey: It’s definitely a ride, to your point, because what he brought up; it’s not just about, oh, he’s the stand-in boss, and then Todd comes in to help. Sam’s coming into our ohana. One of the things that sets NCIS: Hawai’i apart from the others in the franchise is that word, the ohana that we have, the family that we have, the island love that we have. And so while we are welcoming, Jesse’s, like, “Who’s this guy? Why is he still here? And now he’s hanging with my boss, my friend, and what does that mean for my role, and what does that mean for me?” So, to LL’s point, it’s not just our dynamic. It’s my team going, “Well, how does that change my dynamic with Tennant? How does that evolve us? What is our new plan?” So we definitely tackle a lot.

… Having had the strike, all the seasons are cut short across the board, and so we have 10 episodes to really bring it. And I think we come in strong in all episodes. There’s a lot happening emotionally and physically and with some humor.

How many of those 10 episodes do we get Sam in?

LL COOL J: I guess you got to turn that TV on to see.

Lachey: But let me tell you this: If you had Sam Hanna in Hawai’i, would you let that go? Or would you utilize the beast of Sam Hanna? I might be a little off coming off of last season, but I’m no dummy. Jane Tennant might as well utilize what’s in front of her.

How about Tennant’s personal life? How’s her work-life balance this season?

Lachey: I will say, to tease a little bit of it, Tennant finds that in Sam, so there’s that vulnerability there.

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Super 082

Wilford Brimley’s here!   And he’s pissed!

Okay, I think some of this information actually got stated in the previous episode, but whatever.  This guy is named “Top”, although I call him “Toppo” because that’s how it sounded in the Japanese version, before the dub settled on what to call him.  It’s sort of like how no one knew whether or not to call him “Zamasu” or “Zamas”.  Japanese characters represent syllables, not individual consonsants, so when dealing with a name like “Trunks” they’ll spell it in such a way where it’s pronounced “Torunkusu” and some of those extra vowels are given less emphasis.  So even if his name is supposed to be just “Top”, it’ll still sound like “Toppo” when they say it in Japanese, and sometimes the dub will keep that last vowel and sometimes they don’t.    But I digress.

Top’s not part of this Zeno Expo, but he did attend along with the Universe 11 gods, because he’s acting as their Supreme Kai’s bodyguard.  Consfusingly, his name is Khai.  Anyway, Top is the leader of U11′s strongest fighting force, the Pride Troopers, and while watching the Zeno Expo, he became convinced that Goku is a menace, and he considers himself a lover of justice, so he wants to fight and defeat Goku.  Khai explains all of this to the assembled gods, and asks the Zenos to allow a Top/Goku match to take place as a bonus round of the Expo.  The Zenos agree, and we’re off to the races.

I don’t want to spend a lot of time on this fight, because there’s nothing at stake, and I don’t think Top needs this much of an introduction.  We’ll see plenty more of him in the actual Tournament of Power.  His main offense is jointlocks, like this “Justice Rear Naked Choke” he’s using on Goku now.  Although Top is so big that you could call this a bearhug and no one would be able to dispute it. 

While you ponder how Goku will get out of this one, let me pause to point out this off-model Beerus.  I swear, for as much as Beerus appears in this show, it’s like the animators went out of their way to draw him as badly as possible. 

One annoying thing about this part of the story is how everything that happens has to be commented upon by the various gods.  U11′s gods discuss this situation by saying it gives them a chance to “send a message” to the other universes.  Sure it allows the other universes to scout Top, but it also shows them how tough their team will be.  And Beerus and Whis have similar thoughts about Goku. 

Except none of this matters, because it’s going to be a battle royale with eighty guys fighting at the same time.  I think a lot of these scenes are just padding, or at best they’re intended to show how desperate the gods are to feel like they have any control over this situation.  So they keep plotting and scheming about every little detail, except the situation continues to unfold around them, and their plans have no effect on any of it. 

And there’s 24 gods involved, so it’s a lot of characters wasting their breath.  There’s one scene where Champa gripes about the four universes who won’t be participating in the Tournament of Power, and their gods gloat about how relieved they are to be exempt, and how it must prove they’re doing something right in their own universes.  But none of it matters.  Their being exempt was essentially a twist of fate.  They had no idea they were being evaluated this way, and did nothing to earn their exemption.  And the fact that they are exempted doesn’t affect Champa’s predicament at all.  But they still waste time in the episode talking about it. 

Oh, right, Goku.  If you said “He’ll just turn Super Saiyan Blue and break the hold,” you’d be correct. 

So they keep on fighting, and Goku powers up all the way, and then...

... the Grand Minister calls off the match.  The Zenos are disappointed, but he convinces them that they should save this confrontation for the Tournament of Power, and they agree. 

Goku offers Top a handshake, but Top is still mad at Goku and considers him a villain.  Though he’s disgusted to even speak to Goku, he does offer him a warning.  Goku couldn’t beat Top today, and even if he does manage to beat Top at the Tournament, there’s someone in Universe 11 who’s even stronger.  That would be Top’s fellow Pride Trooper, Jiren the Grey.  And based on Goku’s performance here, Top is certain that Goku wouldn’t stand a chance against him. 

So now Goku’s all excited about Jiren.  But Beerus demands he take this seriously.  Or what?  You’ll destroy him?  Get real, dude. 

The best thing about this whole deal is how it flips the script on Beerus.  He came to Earth acting all high and mighty, destroying anything he pleased for merely irritating him. Now someone higher on the food chain is threatening to destroy him, and his only hope is Goku, who isn’t worried about it at all. 

Goku even points this out (”You destroy stuff all the time!”) and Beerus is furious with him, but Whis reminds him that they need to focus their time on preparing for the Tournament of Power.  The ring won’t be completed for another forty hours, which gives everyone that long to recruit a team of ten fighters.  So Goku’d better get crackin’.

Meanwhile, here’s a shot of the stage being assembled.  Get used to seeing these.