#the last math course we did was at the end of 2019 and we did pretty well- but that was before our system exploded

[aggressive-depressive]

I seem to actually be good at math and I can't even begin to express the joy this makes me feel.

[oneluckygoose]

FinnLo Math

Hi, welcome to Lucky's hyper fixation at the current moment

For the past two weeks I have binge read Sweater Weather, Vaincre, and Coast to Coast by the lovely @lumosinlove and just want to say, Jesus Christ. I have actually fallen in love with O'Nutzy SO HARD and they are amazing and I'm absolutely a slave to Harvard Era FinLo. To @lumosinlove, this is a masterpiece and now I want to watch hockey, you've infected me.

Anyway, with credits out of the way, I did some math, (get ready for Harvard era FinLo math under cut)

*Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine and I did not create this story, so everything I say may be completely incorrect. Any of this may be disproven in Breakaway, which I don't/won't have the ability to read. Most of this is based off cannon times and events within the Sweater Weather universe, but I have made clear where cannon ends and my assumptions begin. Again, these are not my characters and all credit goes to @lumosinlove, This is not making fun of, patronizing, or degrading the all around fantastic story they have created, and is simply pointing out things I have noticed.*

Now in Coast to Coast, I noticed some strange things that Finn says. He tells Logan he's been in love with him for eight years, right? And over the course of the story Logan mentions he's loved Finn for 7 at some point (that may actually be in Vaincre, if it is the math lines up so that's a testy point). And when they kissed in part V of Coast to Coast it said it had been four years since they last kissed. This threw me off, because I knew this was, what, early January of 2020 in universe.

So I did some digging. Finn is a year older than Logan, meaning when Logan came to Harvard in 2014 (codified in Coast to Coast part VII, the very start, includes sexy Batman during Logan's first Halloween party at Harvard), he would have been a Freshman while Finn was a Sophomore.

Now it isn't clear whether their first kiss in 2015 was when at the end of the 2014-2015 school year or the start of the 2015-2016 school year (though Logan doesn't have a car, so that lends a little more credibility to Logan still being a Freshman, but it kinda seems like Logan never has a car in general, even in Sweater Weather and Vaincre). I tend to think it's the start of the 2015-16 school year because that's when Finn met Hanna, and those sorts of things don't really carry over after being apart for the summer. Anyway, this means it would be Finn's Junior year.

Now their last kiss before Finn leaves is supposedly in May of 2016, which was part II in Coast to Coast, but that doesn't make sense because it is stated that they are only one year apart,

[I'm pretty sure at least. Later in Coast to Coast it mentions Finn's rookie year and it's said that it was only one (1) really bad year without Logan (same goes for Logan as a senior) before Logan is drafted to the Lions after he graduates. This means they're only one year apart, so the 2016 thing I believe to be wrong]

and if you do the math with Logan being a Freshman in the 2014-2015 school year, he would be a Junior when Finn is a Senior in the 2016-2017 school year (I have a whole timeline trust me on this, it'll be at the bottom). So theoretically their last kiss would have been in May of 2017.

Now their next kiss in in January of 2020. Based off of the very beginning of Sweater Weather, the time period of the fic is the 2019 NHL season, so starting in September, it would be January of 2020 when Remus and Sirius' photos got leaked, right before All-stars, which Logan was going on. The same day the photos are leaked, Finn and Logan kiss for the first time since May of 2017.

If you tally it up, it would be 2 years and 7 months since they had last kissed: Seven months left in 2017, plus all of 2018 and 2019 {Essentially (7+12+12)/12}. Notably, not four years.

[If we are going on the timeline where the last kiss is in 2016, it would be 3 years and 7 months, which would be much more reasonable to say four years; however, that timeline is a little jacked so.]

The other thing that threw me off is Finn saying he'd been in love with Logan for eight years, which I also believe to be wrong.

Finn says to Logan when they are officially getting together in part V of Coast to Coast that he'd loved Logan for eight years, which doesn't make sense if they only just met in August of 2014.

To put it simply, they wouldn't have known each other for eight years. Again, if you tally it up, that's five months in 2014, five years, and then about half a month in 2020. {Essentially (5 + 12 + 12 + 12 + 12 + 12 + 1/2) / 12}. Let's just say they've known each other for 5 years and 6 months. Again, not eight years.

There is the concern of not loving each other when they first met, but Finn does say that he had loved Logan since the moment he saw him at the training camps in 2014, which would have been when they first met, so we can disregard any buffer time.

[And I am about 90% sure that August of 2014 was when they first met because during the Halloween party scene in part VII of Coast to Coast Logan talks about how Finn is his "new roommate" and they'd only just met. I could be wrong.]

And about Logan saying he'd loved Finn for seven years, I don't remember if it is in Coast to Coast which ends in 2020 or in Vaincre which goes until summer of 2021. If it is in Vaincre, this is a totally moot point because it's correct for about 7 years, but if it's in Coast to Coast (thinking on it now it may even be in Sweater Weather, either one would be off), then it wouldn't have been 7 years, but anywhere between 5-6 years. I would need to go back and find the part.

Other Interesting Math Things I figured out while Hyper fixating:

Alex O'Hara:

In Vaincre it says that Alex had to come from somewhere other than Harvard to see Finn in the hospital after he had gotten his first concussion, meaning he wasn't attending Harvard at the time. Vaincre also introduces a whole gang of people who were all on the Harvard team at the same time, which included Alex and Logan. So there had to be at least one year where they were on it together, and I assume it's probably Logan's freshman year.

When Finn's concussion happens is never explicitly stated, but I am assuming it's Finn's Junior year based on Finn and Logan's relationship at the time (pinning and extremely reserved while not awaiting Finn leaving (all this is coming from Logan talking about the concussion in Vaincre)).

With all this to say, I can assume Alex was a Senior in the 2014-2015 school year, left to join Florida's team in 2015-2016 and met Kasey down there in their rookie year. (Obviously they proceeded to fall in love as all good O'Hara's do: fall in love with their best friend.)

Leo Knut:

*open's mouth* *closes mouth* *opens mouth again* *looks down at the ground* Leo was in 8th grade when Finn and Logan met.

Leo was 18 at the start of Sweater Weather (2019) with a birthday somewhere in Nov-Dec, so theoretically he would have been a Senior in High School the year before. If you just tick back the years, that would put him in 8th grade during the 2014-2015 school year.

Not anything important I just stumbled across it and thought it was worth sharing, may as well make this post longer.

All in All List of Math:

Logan and Finn's last kiss before Finn left for Gryffindor would have been in May of 2017 not 2016

Their next kiss would be 2 years and 7 months later, not 4 years later

Finn and Logan have been in love since they met in August of 2014, meaning they've been in love for 5 years and 6 months, not eight years.

Alex O'Hara shared his Senior year at Harvard with Logan during Logan's Freshman year

Leo Knut was in 8th grade when Finn and Logan met

Timeline

[papergirllife]

First Love

Lucas Wong / Yukhei

"They say first love is a special experience that one would always hold a special place in your heart. Wong Yukhei was your first love in high school, but along the way, you had to say goodbye to him in order for him to achieve his dream of becoming a star in Korea. Yet fate and destiny plays its role in paving the two of you an intersection once more, will the two of you and up together at the very end?"

Warnings : smut, unprotected sex, mild angst, a child (pregnancy not described), tooth rotting fluff (all in that order, kinda)

A/N : this is one of my most heavily devoted works I've ever written, so please, of you're comfortable, drop a feedback to tell me if you guys like this writing style, thank you!

Lucas Wong of NCT and most importantly his own fixed unit, Wayv, the man who garners attention and love wherever he goes, that dazzling smile is sure to be captured by numerous cameras of awaiting fans.

But to you, Lucas was never Lucas, to you he was Yukhei, and more significantly, your ex from high school. Yukhei was your first love, you remember when the two of you had first met in Year 9, Yukhei was known for being a class clown and more of a klutz, girls would always have a soft spot for him even if they didn't like him in that way.

Yukhei was your desk mate for Year 10, the thing got you on your nerves about him was that he never took group assignments seriously, and was never at school on time, his uniform was wrinkly from rushing out of his house to catch the bus and always had a stationary missing, which means he had to borrow yours.

You never hated him, hate is a strong word, things were very neutral with him, most times, he unintentionally annoys you, but he'd always make up to you by bringing you a small bottle of apple juice the next day. The only time the two of you really fought was when he had not spoken up when his friends snatched your book away from yours to copy you off, brushing it off as a small matter.

You were quite an immature person back then, and no one can blame you, you were just a teenager, and being said that, you had refused to lend Yukhei a ruler when the math teacher did a pop quiz, so he had to use the dust pan as no one, other than you that is, brings an extra ruler.

It's not your fault, you thought back then, he shouldn't have depended on you to bring his share of stationaries. The next day, you walked into class to see his group of friends waiting at your desk to apologize to you, and as for Yukhei, he had yet again brought you a bottle of apple juice, with the addition of your favourite bar of Cadbury.

It was only in Year 11 when Yukhei had confessed to you, saying that all those annoying things he did to you were just to catch your attention, of all the girls he could've liked, he chose the one who was the most unattainable, go figure.

The next year, when the two of you were looking to apply to the same college, Yukhei broke the news to you that he'd be packing his bags for Korea, that the audition he had joined just for fun accepted him as a trainee in a large entertainment company in Korea that everyone in Hong Kong knows, SM.

At first you didn't approve of his decision, that his education was important as well, that he had a life here, with you. But Yukhei had given very valid reasons to you, that he wouldn't have passed the college entrance exams if it weren't for your tuitions until late at night in the public library, that he didn't really have an interest in studying. His most valid reason was that he didn't want to take a toll on you when you’re in college, he can't have you sacrifice your sleep and attention for him just to have him attain passing grades.

So you let him go, saying your last farewell to him at the airport as his girlfriend and ex girlfriend.

That was the last time you saw him, choosing to not stay in contact with him as you poured your soul into university life, studying like your life depends on it, you had a few boyfriends here and there, nothing serious, nothing that made you felt like your first love. Maybe you had trouble moving on, or maybe it was just stress, you thought back then, shrugging the thought off casually before diverting your attention else where, this cycle carried on until you came out to work.

Fast forwarding to March of 2019, you had unintentionally came across of a news online that Yukhei had finally been placed in his own fixed unit that would be promoting and performing in Chinese, which isn’t surprising, even the Thai member, Ten, was of Chinese heritage. What made your eyes widen was the fact that they were coming to Hong Kong.

At the day of the fan meet, you had took the day off from your boring low paying job at the law firm, so much for studying your ass off for bar exams, you’re just filing on a daily basis.

Before the day of the fan meet, you had lived off of instant cup noodles for a few weeks just to buy the album and their light stick. When you first listened to the album, you were proud of Yukhei’s rapping skills, you still recall the days when he’d struggle with his mandarin oral tests, the teachers there must be much better than you for him to improve so much, smiling fondly at the old memories.

You waved the light stick and sang along just like the other fans beside you, mesmerised by the performance that the boys are putting up, but your eyes were mostly on Yukhei, you would’ve never thought the once clumsy giant like him would dance as fluidly, executing the moves just as well as the other smaller sized members.

You watch as Yukhei introduces himself and his non Cantonese members in his mother tongue, a feeling of familiarity settling into your mind.

You are quite a confident person, but queuing up to the long table where Yukhei sat at the corner was nerve wrecking to you, what would he say to you? Would he recognise you? It hasn't been that long, but the two of you had done some changes to your looks.

The other members had greeted you with a friendly smile and a few casual questions like have you eaten, but they seem a bit taken aback by the lack of fan girl attitude that most of the fans in front of you had.

When you had got to Yukhei, he had dropped his marker on the floor, his head ducked out of sight to retrieve it, but when he came up to apologise, the words were stuck in his throat, as his eyes opened as wide as saucers. He coughed to mask the surprise on his face.

“Hi, how are you?” He asked as he took your album into his hands, scribbling something down.

“Good, how have you been?” although his hair is coloured, his eyes had contacts, and he wasn't in his messy uniform, the smile on his face never changed.

“Great, it's nice to see you,” to other fans and the staff beside him, they might think it's just one of the standard answers, but you knew Yukhei like the back of your hand, registering the twinkle in his eyes.

Soon, he had placed the album back into your hands, your fingers grazing gently as tiny sparks flew up your tips, eyes never breaking contact until the staff tells you to leave.

When you had sat down at a nearby cafe to get a cup of coffee, you took out your album and flipped to the page where Lucas had written something.

‘Hilton hotel, 9pm,' and his number under it.

At nine sharp, you waited by the hotel’s sitting area, not many people at that time as usually stores in Hong Kong open rather late, patiently you waited for Yukhei. Just as you were scrolling through posts on Instagram, a tall figure approached you.

A call of your name rolled off his tongue naturally, a wave of nostalgia hitting the both of you.

“I bought you a little something before I got here,” you said as you stood up, letting him guide you to the elevators.

“What is it?” Yukhei lets out a flustered laugh, scratching the back of his nape when he realised he didn't get you anything in return.

“Roast goose and Cha Siew, are they still your favourite?” you asked, hoping his taste hasn’t changed over the years.

“Yeah, man, I remember how we'd always get quarter of both after school at Uncle Chan’s,” Yukhei said, remembering how the boss of the restaurant had hung a photo of two of you on the wall, deeming the two of you his most loyal lovebirds.

“This is from Uncle Chan’s,” you told him as you followed him into his room, looking around, expecting him to be rooming with someone.

“Don't worry, I told Yang Yang to sleep with Ten for the night,” Yukhei said when he saw you looking for someone.

“Oh, that's really nice of him,” you said as you set out the food, the smell of Hong Kong's famous delicacies wafting in the air.

“Man, I really missed this,” Yukhei said as he pulls the arm chair that was a few feet away close to the desk, directing you into it and situating himself in the not so comfortable wooden chair.

“I missed this too,” you said mindlessly, eyes avoiding his before you ate a piece of meat.

“I missed you too,” Lucas confessed, yes there are many pretty girls in his industry, and Korea itself, but no one would be able to replace you, you were his rock all his life, other than his family of course, it's hard to build a connection with someone just as strong when things between the two of you never really ended, in a way.

Leaving on too good terms and without much closure for both of you kept one another thinking of each other. The two of you know, that after tonight, things would go back to normal, Yukhei would be Wayv’s Lucas, and you’d remain as his past, there would never be an outcome from whatever happens tonight.

So when the two of you were recalling memories and troubles the two of you got in school on the oh so comfortable bed, you couldn't help it, hooking a leg over Yukhei’s waist, just like how it started at the night of the graduation party, the night where the two of you lost your virginities to each other.

“I’d be gone tomorrow, we shouldn’t, I shouldn't do this to you,” Yukhei said, a firm believer that it's always the girl that is on the losing side, like he's taking an advantage of you, ever the gentleman.

“I want this for myself, Yukhei, it's not like it's our first time,” you said, trying to convince him.

“I still feel guilty about our first time, I left a few months later after that night, and tomorrow would be the same, I'll be leaving you once more,” Yukhei said as his big hands caressed your cheeks, eyes wide like a puppy, pupils reflecting an image of you, a perfect representation of his universe, you.

“I don't care, I’ve moved on from you as your girlfriend all those years ago, moving on from you after tonight won't be a challenge for me,” you said in a firm tone, one that Yukhei knows all too well, he knows you won't give up when you sound like this.

He could possibly break two hearts if he chooses to act on his impulses, but he missed this, he missed you, and so he threw all caution out of the window when he smashed his lips desperately against yours, chewing on your bottom lip with little force, it was something that would easily get you worked up back then, and to his delight, it still worked, letting him dominate the kiss easily, he let his tongue slid in your mouth, tasting the beer the two of you had just now with a mixture of strawberry lip gloss, you were still using the Nivea one you used all those years ago, this only fuelled his desire for you, his hands leaving your cheeks to locate your waist, pulling you closer to him.

When you were out of air, you broke off the kiss, reaching the hem of your shirt to pull it off, then waiting a few seconds for Yukhei to admire the red lace on your skin before unclasping your bra, letting your blossoms free, all the while as Yukhei looks on, like he was in a trance.

“I missed these,” he commented before taking a mound into his mouth, sucking on your nipple diligently while his other hand comes up to roll it in between the pads of his fingers, the pleasure from the action making you throw your head back, a slip of his name in between your whimpers.

You let Yukhei push you back, letting you fall onto his bed, you felt his hands wander up your skirt, his huge hands around your thighs, squeezing the flesh in his palms, feeling you, but stopped when he reached the hem of your panties, detaching himself from your chest, looking at you for confirmation.

You nodded at him, putting your hand over his to guide him higher, stopping at the curve of your cheek, pushing his hand beneath the clothe, dangerously close to your core, heck he could even feel your arousal already, eyes rolling back at the thought of getting you so worked up.

“Take it off, but you can leave the skirt, for old time’s sake,” you said.

Yukhei looked at you, confused at what you’re trying to say, until he realised you were wearing a pleated checkered skirt, just like the ones you wore back in high school, memories of the two of you sneaking around, having a quickie with your skirt flipped up immediately made blood rush southwards at the thought.

“Fuck, you expected this to happen?” Yukhei asked, shaking his head in disbelief, he was always the troublemaker at school, but oh how the tables have turned now.

“Didn't you?” you asked before getting up to put yourself in a doggy position, shaking your butt, taunting him.

Yukhei chuckled to himself before doing as you say, taking off your panties to reveal your slick covered pussy, dripping wet for him on display.

Yukhei spreads you open by pulling your cheeks apart to lick a stripe up your slit, making you shudder at the warm muscle that was intruding but very much welcomed.

Yukhei allowed himself to fully stuff his face there, inserting his tongue into your core, thrusting the wet muscle at a moderate pace before adding a finger to the mix, then two, stretching you open to let his tongue delve deeper inside, he then adds a third finger, the fullness finally hitting you, soon he did a come hither movement once he had located your sweet spot, his tongue and fingers rubbing against the roof of your walls deliciously, you would’ve lost your balance if it weren't for his hand supporting you by your left hip.

The constant pleasure that Yukhei so willingly inflicted upon you would've soon come to an euphoric end if he hadn’t halted all movement, pulling out his tongue and his fingers, which made you whine his name pathetically, something you wouldn't have done if it weren't for the fact that your mind was reduced to a ball full of cotton.

“Chill, I worked you up so I wouldn't hurt you with my dick,” Yukhei said as he positions himself at your entrance, his hand coming up to your face to tilt your head to his direction, zeroing on your lust filled eyes and the plump of your lips, swollen because of him.

“Are you sure you want this?” Yukhei asks you one last time.

“Yes, please,” you said, pushing yourself back to lightly grind on his length, a little bit of your arousal getting onto his cock, his dick getting so hard it's starting to hurt.

“Ever so eager, aren't you?” Lucas said before biting his lip at the sight.

“Just put it in!” you whined, tired of his teasing.

“Okay, okay,” Yukhei said before bracing himself for your tight walls, he's never nervous when it comes to others, but you? You always held a special place in his heart.

Yukhei spreads your cheeks once more before aligning himself to slip in an inch, eyebrows furrowing at how tight you were, he could tell you were clenching up, just like you did the first time when you were nervous.

So he bends down to your back, placing gentle kisses along your right shoulder blade.

“Don’t tense up, there’s nothing to be nervous about, we did this before remember?” Yukhei said in his most gentle tone ever, you nodded your head at his words, adjusting yourself to let yourself lose in the comfort of his touch, reminding yourself that although it's been a long time since you had someone as big as him, you’ll be fine in his hands.

Once Yukhei felt yourself unclench, he pushes in furthermore, you felt yourself arching your back to allow him to fit himself easier, before he comes to a halt, you felt so full, you haven't felt this way in such a long time, it was somewhat overwhelming, but it's the most complete feeling ever, a feeling you've never felt with any other.

The initial stretch was slightly painful of course, but the pain soon turned into pleasure, and being the gentleman Yukhei is, waited for you despite the huge urge to move, waiting for your green light.

When you told him he could move, he felt like the gates of heaven just opened, pulling out slightly to give you a shallow thrust, just to test the waters.

Even with that experimental thrust, you felt like you had a taste of heaven, eager to drown yourself in this new found pleasure that you were once so familiar with.

Yukhei grasped his large hands onto your hips, setting a moderate pace, still restraining himself from snapping his hips, but from how much slick you were dripping, soon you'd be begging for more.

Once you felt yourself familiarise with his big cock, the pace that Yukhei had set wasn’t enough, you wanted him to let loose, you wanted him to rail you, be damned if you can’t walk tomorrow.

So in the midst of all the pleasure, you let out two desperate words breathlessly, “ruin me”.

Yukhei had to do a double take, pausing his movements entirely just to check if that was his mind messing with him or it was really you, but one look at your desperate face, revealed to him that was in fact your words.

Yukhei allowed the animalistic side of him to take over, holding onto your hips that would sure leave bruises the next day, but you didn’t mind, not when you felt a sudden surge of pleasure coursing through your body. He angled your body higher, arching your back for easier access, thrusting harder and faster.

You could only submit yourself to him as your toes curled and your fingers dig into the linen sheets, you’re sure if his members were next door, they'd be able to hear every single sound you make, the sound of your ass cheeks clapping against Yukhei’s hips and your high pitched moans were flowing freely, but you didn't care, not when this could be the last time you'd ever be with Yukhei.

Soon, you could feel yourself getting closer to the edge, your legs were trying their best not to fail you, and you could tell your arms were getting sore from propping yourself up as the cord in your abdomen threatened to snap, you panted out the word ‘close’, and Yukhei immediately understood, fucking into you at an inhuman pace, you could feel yourself losing your mind as spit drips from your mouth, sanity slowly slipping away from you as you felt your impending orgasm, it started from the tip of your toes, your body convulsing as you screamed his name, succumbing into the pleasure, your core bursting, the strongest orgasm you've ever felt, making your whole body sag in defeat as you let Yukhei help you ride out your orgasm.

Just when you thought it was all over, Yukhei gently flipped you over, and that’s when you realised he hasn’t cum, so you lifted your legs higher to let him enter you once again, he was using you like his personal doll, and you love it a little bit too much to be considered normal, you struggled to keep your eyes open as you fought through the slight pain from the overstimulation, hearing Yukhei’s mumble of appreciation and endearments.

“Can you give me one more, babe? Just one more,” Yukhei said before circling his fingers around your clit, making your eyes snap open when you realise he wants you to cum once more, your hands coming up to push his hand away, but his other hand grasped onto yours.

“Just one more, please,” Yukhei begged with those puppy eyes of his, and how could you say no?

So you stopped struggling, nodding your head at his request before he quickens the pace of his hips and the ministrations on your clit.

Soon, you could feel Yukhei’s cock swelling inside you before he let out a groan of your name, thrusting in one last hard thrust before he painted your walls white, his lips capturing yours to silent you as you came once more, your nails digging into his shoulders, your eyes fluttering shut as you felt Yukhei ride out both your highs.

Once he was done, Yukhei crashed onto the bed beside you, his arms wrapping around yours, kissing your lips to distract you as he pulled out, hopping into the attached bathroom to bring out two towels, taking off your skirt before he gently cleans you up, when he was done he wiped the juices you left on him, your eyes growing big when you knew it was from when you squirted on him.

“Sorry, I didn’t realise I squirted,” you mumbled behind the hands that you had covering your embarrassed face.

Yukhei laughed at the cute sight, throwing the towel aside before climbing into bed again, removing your hands away from your face, kissing you deeply before looking at you in the eye.

“I loved it,” he said before pulling you closer, and almost instantly, you were lulled to sleep by the beating of his heart.

When you woke up, Yukhei was still snoring beside you, sleeping like a baby, you gently removed his hand from your waist, stepping out of the bed before gathering your clothes, putting them on, smoothing out the creases of your skirt.

Walking to the door, you glanced around once more at the sight of him, your heavy heart begging you to stay, to talk, and so you walked over to the night stand, ripping a piece of paper of the note pad and grabbing the pen next to it.

‘Goodbye and thank you for everything.’

You placed the piece of paper beside him on his pillow before kissing his forehead as a parting gift, closing the door as softly as you could when you left.

You knew this was the right thing to do, you made this decision once when he left for Korea the first time, you can't be in his way this time around, not when he's this far into his career, you can’t be selfish, he belongs on this path, he deserves it and you’re not going to take it away from him, you've stood on the side-lines all this time, he shed the limelight on you for one night, and that's all you should have, he's better off without you.

Yukhei felt himself grow cold when he couldn't feel the warmth of your body, jerking up to check if you were in the bathroom, only to find the door wide open, the room empty.

That's when he had spotted the piece of paper with your goodbye message, his heart clenching in pain, crashing onto the bed once more.

He didn't know what to expect, you had sent him off once, and now you left him without saying goodbye. He thought he could at least say goodbye.

Pushing his thoughts away, he gathered his things, packing up to leave for Korea.

His members could tell something was terribly off, they thought he was just in it for a casual hook up, but his expression tells otherwise.

The usual cheerful Yukhei was nowhere to be found, which meant Yang Yang and Hendery had to keep the mood light throughout the journey home, everyone knew to not say anything, only speaking when crucial.

It took Yukhei quite a while for him to get back to his goofy self, but even then, Kun, being the most observant one, saw a tightness in his smile, a faraway look in his eyes, whoever he had seen that night must've meant a lot to him, but he dare not to press, he knows Yukhei would open up when he's ready.

It was a normal Tuesday night when he had received a request to face time from you, without thinking much of it, excited to hear from you, he accepted, your beautiful face coming into view as he got comfortable on his bed.

“Hey, this is unexpected,” Yukhei said, not knowing what else to say.

“Yukhei, there’s something I need to tell you,” you said, eyes avoiding his.

“Yeah, what's up?” he asked, rubbing his nape, a habit he does whenever he's nervous.

“I'm um, I’m pregnant,” you said, choosing to not beat around the bush.

You could see Yukhei's face pale when he processed your words. Is it his? It's definitely his, it's almost a month since the two of you slept together, unless you slept with someone else?

“It's mine?” a dumb question, but he needs to know for sure.

“Yeah,” you said before the two of you come to a piercing silence.

“You could get an abortion, maybe?” Yukhei suggested after contemplating in his head, there’s no way he could be in the child’s life, and that's the best option for your sake, raising a child in Hong Kong is the most expensive thing to do, equivalent to buying a house there.

“I decided to keep it, Yukhei,” you said, glancing up to see the disbelief on his face.

“You can’t, you know I can't be there for you and you’re still so new in your job, you can't risk your life for this!” Yukhei said, not comprehending on why you'd do this to yourself.

“I already decided, Yukhei, and I don't expect you to take responsibility, this is my choice,” you said as tears threatened to flow.

“That isn't fair, it's not fair for the child! A child needs its father! You don't know what you're doing! Being a single mum is next to impossible in Hong Kong! You're putting the child in a horrible situation just for your selfishness!” Yukhei said before pushing his hair back, the feeling of an impending headache forming.

“How dare you say that?! I’ll raise this child perfectly on my own, I was just calling you to inform you of it, but since you don't want anything to do with it or me, I guess this is goodbye and don't call me anymore, I won't change my mind,” you said before your face disappeared from his phone screen.

Yukhei tried calling you immediately after, a day later, several weeks later, but you never picked up. Then he started stressing about his career, what would happen if someone were to find out? But he knows you as a person, and being a tell-tale is not one of your characteristics, yeah, he can just act like nothing happened, like he had never received this call.

He knows he's running away from his problems, but what other choice does he have?

Fast forwarding to July of 2021, Yukhei is home after his filming of the popular Chinese reality show in China, Keep Running, he feels at ease when he sees his family, finally reuniting with them, but only for a short two weeks time, before he has to leave for Korea once more.

It was a Friday night when his friends from home took him out for a drink, he was not so familiar with the clubbing scene in Hong Kong, but with the knowledge he has of this area, he knows many rich and young people often here, just like the girl kissing up his neck now, her soft hands running up the expanse of his thigh, getting dangerously close to where he wants her to be.

Yet Yukhei doesn’t remember her name, was it Candy? Apple? Some sort of name that had to do with food, he just remembered that she told him that she was an up and coming model, or trying to be anyways.

Just as she suggested to go to some hotel, Yukhei suggested for a quickie in the bathroom first, and so here he is now, being pushed to the door of a stall, her hands trying to unbuckle his belt.

Yukhei reached the back of his pocket for his wallet, opening it, looking for the condom he had placed there, but cursed when he realised he must've dropped it when he paid for drinks.

He told her to go back out and wait for him to get some, leaving the club and the musky smoke filled place behind him, the summer breeze blowing his hair all over, he brings the hood of his jacket up as he scans for a nearby convenience store, locating one at the street across.

When he got in, the scent of curry immediately greeted him, it was your favourite food, everyday after school, no doubt you'll drag him into one of these shops, just to share a bowl of curry fish balls, one of the most famous snacks here in Hong Kong.

He pushed the thought away, trudging to the aisle that was on the most right, where the condoms were at, hidden away from children. He took a box and made his way to the counter, opening his wallet to take out a few notes.

The cashier turned her back from stocking the cigarette shelf, scanning the box wordlessly.

“That would be 30,” she said when she looked up, but her hand immediately dropped the box when she saw who it was, and that's when Yukhei truly opened his eyes to see who it was, at first he was just miffed not knowing why the cashier froze, then he sees you, in the worn out 7 Eleven uniform, was you, the last person he’d be expecting.

“Why are you here? What happened to your job at the law firm? Why...” Yukhei didn't know how to ask, he didn't know if he deserved the right to ask, yet there's so many questions he had swarming in his head. Where is his child? Did you abort it in the end? Did you give it up for adoption? Were you fired from your job because of it?

“It's my shift right now, and you seem to be getting lucky tonight,” you said stiffly, holding up the box for him to see, sliding it across the counter

“It's for my friend actually,” Yukhei said, eyes avoiding yours, but immediately looking at you straight in the eyes, remembering how you use to be able to see right through him whenever he didn't do the revision work you've given him.

“Right,” you said, resisting to roll your eyes.

“You haven't answered me, why are you working here instead of the law firm?” Yukhei pressed.

You sigh at his persistence, not knowing what to say to humour him, so you didn't say anything, getting back to rearranging the shelves.

Yukhei bit his lip, not knowing what to say to you, but a million questions in his head, desperate for answers.

“Please leave if you're done with your purchases,” you said, you had a long day, and the thought of entertaining him was not something you want to add on your plate.

Yukhei looked around the store once more, grabbing a bowl of instant noodles from the shelf before making his way once more to the cashier.

“I’d like to have this here,” Yukhei said before pulling out some spare change from just now.

“Yukhei, what are you trying to do?” you asked in an exasperated tone, there's no point making small talk when there's no way the two of you would ever cross in each other’s lives ever again.

“I'm hungry, I want to eat noodles,” which wasn’t really a lie, all the alcohol he drank before gave him an appetite.

You sighed, turning your back to him, soundlessly waited for the water to boil before pouring it into the cup, sealing the top for it to cook. As you worked, Yukhei was having déjà vu, this was an all too familiar sight, nights at the convenience store studying till late at night in groups, you'd always share noodles with him as you taught him some dumb math formula that no one uses in their life after school.

He takes his bowl of noodles, opting to sit at the place closest to the counter, just looking at you, eating as slow as humanly possible.

When it was around three, you received a call.

“Hello?”

“...”

“You think you have a stomach ache? Celine jia is asleep? Okay, mama’s coming home okay?” you said frantically before shutting off the stove of the food at the counter, running to the back for a pack of meds, depositing some money into the register. You looked at Yukhei, frozen at his seat, cursing at yourself for not going into the back room before picking up the call.

“You need to go, I have something to deal with,” you said as you grabbed your bag, turning off all the switches in one go, making the place pitch black other than the lights from the lamp posts outside.

“Is that my child?” Yukhei asked, he can't allow himself to act like it never happened before, he ran away once, it's time to man up and shoulder on his responsibilities.

“No I fucked another guy before you and it's his child,” you deadpanned.

You walked down the street to flag for a taxi that is always parked there to get their club goer customers, Yukhei hot on your heels, you turned back to look at him questioningly.

“This is none of your concern, don’t follow me,” you said in a rather seething tone, you didn't mean to sound like that, but if he's going to be in the way of your child, then he’s not a friend.

“That's my child too, I want to know how they are, I have a right to do so, you studied law, you should know,” Yukhei retorted in the most friendly way possible, he knows he's in the wrong, but he wants to ensure his child’s safety.

“For fuck’s sake,” you cursed aloud before stepping into the taxi, leaving the door open for him.

You told the driver your address, sitting back to think of what's the problem, the kindergarten shouldn't be the culprit, it's a school with a good reputation, which also burns a hole in your wallet, but you don't mind, and it's not like you have much of a choice, education is deadly expensive here.

About 20 minutes later, you've reached home.

“That'll be 150, miss,” the driver said.

“What?!”

“Fares are different after midnight, miss,” the driver reminded you.

Before you could check if you had enough money on you, Yukhei paid for it wordlessly.

You got out of the car, rushing into the building and running up the stairs as quick as you can, unlocking the door, jabbing the keys into the rusty lock.

Taking off your shoes before you made your way to your room, spotting your son crouched in the corner of your bed, hands around his stomach.

“Hey, mama's home, I'll get you a glass of water to take your medicine okay?” you said before hurrying out, Yukhei passing you a glass of water at the kitchen.

“Thanks,” you mumbled before making your way back inside.

You open the package and passed you son a tablet, but looking at the size, you knew he’d panic to swallow something this big, so you broke it in half, telling him to drink a big gulp of water to wash it down and it'll be fine.

All the while, Yukhei was watching with wonder leaning by the door frame, even in the dim lights and the fact that he's still quite young, he could still identify his eyes on his son, the strong genes in his family, his father and brother all had those eyes, this boy is most definitely his.

The boy diligently does as you told him, taking a big gulp of water, so obedient, and from the way the two of you communicate, very mature for his age, nothing like the usual three year old.

When he was done, he noticed Yukhei’s presence, tugging your sleeve to whisper into your ear, eyes trained on him.

“That's a friend of mine, love, be polite, say hi to Yukhei gogo,” you urged.

Yukhei took this as a sign to get closer to his son, squatting down to meet his eye.

“You’re a handsome boy, what's your name? I’m Yukhei and I’m 22 this year, how about you?” Yukhei asked as he reached out his hand for the little boy to shake.

“I’m Wenghei, 3 years old. Why have I never seen you before gogo?” the child asks, looking at him with curious eyes, he's met some of your friends, but he's definitely haven't met him before, most people aren't as tall here, or not in his mother's circle anyways.

“Get some rest, love,” you said, tucking him into bed.

“Okay,” he said, a yawn coming out from his mouth.

You closed the door behind you, directing Yukhei to the small living room area, serving him a glass of water.

You walked to the trash bin, opening the lid to check its contents, a scowl on your face when you saw the root of your son’s stomach ache when you spot the plastic container that contained the two day old pizza from the freezer. Your roommate, Celine, must’ve gave him some as dinner, usually you'd leave some money for Celine to buy him dinner, but she must've been tight on money again, trying to find ways to squeeze in some spare change, you've warned her of her spending habits, always splurging on albums of her favourite stars, which reminds you.

“You have to go, I’m living with a roommate and I'm sure she's going to recognise you,” you said, a hand gesturing at the door.

“Wait, did you find out why he had a stomach ache?” Yukhei asked.

“Yeah, he ate something he shouldn't have for dinner, you have to go, I need some rest for tomorrow,” you said, struggling to keep your eyes open.

“Do you have anything on tomorrow? Can I see you, perhaps?” Yukhei asked, he didn't know what he wanted to talk about, but he just had to see you again.

“I’m tutoring a student at a coffee shop tomorrow, you can come right after,” you said, thinking that he just wants to know more about his son.

“Okay, goodnight then,” Yukhei said awkwardly as he walks towards the door.

“Goodnight,” you said, feeling a weight on your chest, dreading tomorrow’s meeting.

When Yukhei arrived at the café, he could see you sitting at the way back, a teenage girl sitting in front of you, back facing him, he sipped on his latte, observing you silently.

Your hair is much longer than it had been in high school, the bag hung by your chair very much worn out, and your eye bags were heavier than on days where Yukhei would stay up to prepare for promotions.

Soon, the student was packing up, leaving the table, Yukhei took this as a sign to move to your table. You had stood up to greet him, and that's when he saw, you had lost lots of weight, and he's not meaning it in a fitness way, he recognised the jeans you are wearing, you had these even back then, they used to be a perfect fit for you, that's why they were your favourite, but now, you were wearing a belt to hold it together, and still he could see how loose it was.

“Hey, you didn't order anything?” Yukhei asked, noting that the cup of coffee he saw just now belonged to your student.

“I got a coffee in my flask, cheaper that way,” you said as you packed up your stationaries.

“What did you have for breakfast? How about I order you a piece of cake?” Yukhei suggested, looking back to see what they have today.

“It's alright, I'm not hungry, why don't we get straight to the point? What is it you want to ask about Wenghei?” you asked, noting the time on your watch, you have to leave around noon to fetch your son from pre school.

“I, how about you? Why did you leave the firm? And how’s your parents?” Yukhei started off.

“Well, they said I would’ve been an embarrassment to the firm, you know, pregnant and unmarried, so they told me to leave, it's not like filing could be done with a big weight in my stomach, so I did as they said. Now I tutor kids English and work the night shift at the convenience store, and as for my parents, they kicked me out,” you said, laying down the cards, no point avoiding his questions, especially not when you're in a hurry.

Yukhei nodded at your words, registering the fact that he had a fault in ruining your hot shot lawyer dreams and completely destroyed your sensitive relationship with your parents, how is he ever going to forgive himself?

“I’m sorry,” Yukhei said, he didn't know what else to say, how could he make it up to you and your son? Will you let him even if he could?

“Don't be, this is on the both of us, are you going to ask about the share custody stuff? If so, I don't think we should continue this conversation, Wenghei doesn’t know who you are, and maybe that's the best case scenario, what point would be made if he knew you were his father but you're not in our lives? It'll break his heart. You've seen him now, maybe you can reconnect with him when he's older, I think you should just say goodbye before you go, if you want,” you said, saying these harsh words aloud wasn’t easy, you’re not entirely a cold hearted bitch, but it's for the best that your son didn’t know about his father, no one wants to know the fact that their father abandoned them twice, some truths are better to be untold.

“Can I see him one last time, maybe tonight? For dinner? I'm leaving in two days,” Yukhei said in a defeated tone.

“Yeah, sure, I'll take the shift off tonight,” you said, eyes avoiding his, you could just tell he’d have those sad puppy eyes on his face right now, you don't need anymore guilt in your heart.

“Hey man, where were you?” Jackson asked Yukhei, who was waiting for him at the harbour, they were going to Macau for a day trip today, his friend isn't late for the boat, but they did schedule to meet 15 minutes earlier.

“Something came up, and I need to head back around 7, there’s some people I need to see,” Yukhei said as they boarded the boat.

“So that leaves us 5 hours, should be enough,” Jackson said, checking his watch.

“I’m sorry about this, man, it just came up suddenly,” Yukhei said as they took their seats, apologetic because they have been talking about this trip for a long time now.

“It's okay, dude, but what's up? You look really stressed,” Jackson asked, taking in Yukhei's clenched jaw and furrowed brows, a stark contrast from his usually carefree expression.

“It's a long story,” Yukhei said as he mindlessly watches the sea from the little window of his seat.

“Well, if you don't mind, this is a 45 minutes journey, maybe we'll be able to find a solution together, what are friends for am I right?” Jackson offered, he wouldn't press his friend if he didn't want to tell him about it, but the two of them have been close ever since going on knowing brothers, coming from the same home country and everything.

And so Yukhei, for the first time, told his friend his long love story.

“You know, I think I have a solution for you, but let me ask you one thing first, do you still love her?” Jackson asked as he ate his pork chop bun, Macau’s famous local snack.

Yukhei pondered over his friend’s question, yes the two of you agreed to break up, but all the girls he dated after you, all had similar features or personality traits to you, he had dismissed it as just a type, but now that he had seen you again, he realised that the hole in his heart was always emptied for you, you were the missing puzzle piece all along.

“You don't even have to answer me, your face tells all man,” Jackson said, an oily finger wagging at the direction of his face.

“Yeah, I think I do,” Yukhei said with a sigh, “but even if I still love her, that doesn’t mean she loves me back, and what if we do love each other? We're living oceans apart,” Yukhei said in a defeated tone.

“Now here comes my solution, so you said she got fired from her law firm and is now tutoring kids and doing the night shift at 7 E, and got kicked out by her shitty parents, so she really doesn't have anything else here for her other than her son, why don't you suggest get to move with you? To Korea? It'll be way easier for the two of you to raise your son, even if the two of you don't get back together, I mean, at least you'll be able to financially support them, that is what you're willing to do right?” Jackson asked, hoping that his friend would uptake his part of the child support.

“Yeah, of course I want that, I just don't know what she'll say, or if she'd be willing, she doesn't speak the language and it's an entirely different environment,” Yukhei said, thinking back the days where he had a tough time adjusting.

“From what you told me, she sounds like a tough nut, but of course, this is all up to you, but just so you know, I would really like to be his godfather, and as for your doubts of her love towards you, she did name him after you, isn't it the same Hei?” Jackson said with a hearty chuckle, he could just imagine the fun they'll have together, he was always fond of children.

“Yeah, I’ll persuade her on this,” Yukhei said, he could already feel himself getting nervous for tonight’s dinner, it can’t be that much of a coincidence that his son’s last name resembled his right? Or is he and Jackson just being delusional?

“Now that's my buddy, now come on, finish your food so that we’ll make it in time for the next batch of Portuguese egg tarts, I remember they have a fresh batch around 4,” Jackson said, mouth salivating at the thought of more food.

When you arrived at the restaurant, it was fancier than what you had expected, feeling underdressed among the rich elite of Hong Kong in your old dress that you wear for every special occasion.

You asked if there was a reservation under your name, since Yukhei said he had it booked under you, and almost immediately, since not that many people can afford places like these, the waiter led you in.

“Mama, what is this place? We've never ate here before,” your son asked you.

“It's a French cuisine restaurant, we’re meeting gogo here, remember him? Or were you too sick that day?” you said as you placed him on the baby chair you had requested for.

“Yeah, I remember,” your son said as he looks around in awe, registering the pretty chandeliers that look so sparkly.

When the waiter handed you a menu, someone had joined your table, his hoodie pulled up so no one would recognise him, pulling it down when he saw that there wasn't any other customers around.

“Sorry, am I late?” Yukhei asked with a sheepish smile, a hand lifting up to check the time.

“No, we’re just early, say hi to Yukhei gogo, love,” you directed the last part to your son, patting his little hand to get his attention, smiling immediately when he lands on the tall figure.

“Gogo, you're here,” your son said excitedly, making grabby hands at him, letting his father carry him with a large smile on his face.

“Hey, buddy, don't you look excited to see me?” Yukhei said before blowing raspberry at his neck, making the young boy giggle.

What you didn't expect was to see someone coming up behind Yukhei, a little bit shorter and smaller in built, but when he pulled his hoodie down, you instantly recognised who it was.

“Jackson Wang?” you asked, blinking your eyes a few times to see if you were hallucinating.

“Hey, it’s nice to finally meet you, you look lovely tonight, and you must be little Wenghei, aren't you adorable, how about Jackson gogo take you out to buy toys, huh? I saw a big toy store just across the street, but only if your ma says yes of course,” Jackson said, giving you a side eye to Yukhei.

“Yeah, sure,” you said, it's not like the Jackson Wang is going to kidnap your son right?

“Don’t worry, I’ll watch him with my life,” Jackson said as Yukhei passes his son over to him, leaving the restaurant with his hood up once more.

“Is there something you'd like to say?” you asked Yukhei after he had taken the seat across you his hands were shaking slightly as he holds up the menu.

“I... I still love you. And I know I must sound like a jerk to you, hell I’d go back in time just to hit myself for running away, I'm really sorry for that. What I did was inexcusable, my career just stabilised at that time, and I was under immense stress from SM, you have every right to be mad at me, but I want to be apart of your life again, apart of Wenghei’s life as well, if you could let me have this second chance, I'll do anything to make the both of you happy,” Yukhei said in one breath, reciting what he had practised over and over again with Jackson in the car.

“Yukhei, I,” you were lost for words, you thought you were saying goodbye once more, that Yukhei and you would always end up in goodbyes, but now here he is, saying he loves you.

“Yukhei, you can't just say you love me for the sake of our son, and neither would you need to take responsibility for him, I chose to have him, and as for love, we can never be together, you’re an international super star now, and you're living in Korea, I don't think I have the energy to be in a long distance relationship with you, that would take a toll on Wenghei too, how am I going to explain to him that his father is in another country? He’ll always question your love for him and I don't want that,” you said, trying to hold in the tears that had built up in your eyes, your throat closing up, the cold facade you built for yourself crumbling down before his eyes.

“You can move to Korea, both of you, we can be a family,” Yukhei pleaded, his hands reaching forward to hold yours, his eyes searching yours.

“We can’t, what if we break up? What if your so called love for me, is just something you feel as a result of our child? You can't uproot the two of us when there's so many uncertainties, especially our emotions,” you said, you don't want either of you to be stuck in a relationship for the sake of raising a child, no one would be happy in the end.

“Love, you don't understand, I've never had a serious relationship after you, I tried, I really did, but I’d always think of you instead, how badly I wanted you instead of someone who reminds me of you, the thing is, I’ve always loved you, and I think you still love me too, or you wouldn't have named our son after me, am I right?” Yukhei hoped, why else would you come up with that name right?

Damn it, you thought to yourself, he saw right through you, maybe you shouldn't have named your son after him.

You looked at him and looked away, darn those puppy eyes, you’re sure you’re crying now, and Yukhei reaching over to wipe away your tears just confirmed it.

“I love you, it's always been you, only you,” Yukhei confessed.

“I, I love you too, Yukhei, and I was never mad at you for running away from us, I know how tough that industry is, but what if your fans find out about us?” you asked, slightly worried that he might lose it like last time.

“Then so be it, true fans would stay,” he said in an affirmative tone, reassuring you.

“You promise?” you asked, holding out your pinky, it would’ve been a funny sight to see if anyone saw the two of you now, crying and smiling at the same time.

“I promise,” Yukhei said before hooking his own pinky to connect with yours.

“If you leave us, Wong Yukhei, I’ll murder you in your sleep,” you said as threatening as you could sound.

“I plan to see our son grow up, so I'll value my life,” Yukhei said in utmost sincerity before grabbing a napkin to wipe away all your tears, you’re glad that you didn't wear any mascara today.

Just when Yukhei wiped away the tears in his eyes, Jackson was back with your bubbly child, his arm had bags digging into his flesh.

“Oh my god, that's too much, Wenghei why did you get so many, this is Jackson gogo’s hard earned money,” you said, lecturing your son.

“It's okay, he's an angel, this was all on me, and I guess things went well?” Jackson asked, eyes darting to your connected hands.

“Yeah,” you said, the biggest smile you had on your face.

“That's great to hear, I always wanted to be an uncle, now if you’ll excuse me, I don't think I should crash this family reunion any longer,” Jackson said giving his best friend a hug before leaving.

“So... What do you like to eat Wenghei? How about we get crème brulé,” Yukhei asked, pointing at the menu with childlike eyes, reminding you of the days where he’d get ice cream with you, splitting it on half for you to share.

“Sounds delicious.”

You let Yukhei order everything, sharing between the three of you while the three of you talked, Yukhei mostly directed the questions at his child, asking about his interests, his favourites of everything, ranging from colour to ice cream, eager to make up for loss time.

“How about we talk about where you'll be staying?” Yukhei asked after ordering dessert.

“Oh, I don't know what I'll be able to afford, I'll probably get another convenience store job again, so the rent can't be too high,” you said, dreading the thought of needing to learn a new language quickly for a job.

“Hey, you don't need to work anymore, nor pay rent, I already looked it up, there's an empty unit in our condo, the soundproofing might be a bit lacking, but that wouldn't be a problem if you don't sing in the shower like Dejun, we had a few noise complaints because of him,” Yukhei said, laughing at the fond times he had at the dorms.

“Yukhei, I know housing is really expensive there, are you sure you want to do this?” you asked once more, you don't want him to resent the financial burden the two of you would add onto him.

“What did I say to you just now? I said what I meant, I want the two of you to be in my life, forever. And don't worry about money, I saved up plenty and there’s many more jobs coming up for me, and moving out of the dorms would be the next step of adulthood to me, and we’ll get to spend so much more time together, right Wenghei?” Yukhei asked, pinching your son’s chubby cheeks teasingly.

“We’ll be living together, Yukhei gogo?” your son asked, a confused expression on his face, he had his attention trained on some pink fong video, something about dinosaurs.

“Yeah, Wenghei, we’ll be moving out of our little room, are you excited? We're going to a new country. Remember the dramas I watched with you? Korea has that big outdoor theme park you said you always wanted to go, and snow, you'll get to make snowmen during the winter,” you persuaded, hoping he won’t fuss too much about the move.

“Really? There’s snow in Korea?” your son asked, excited about the winter scene he’ll get finally see in real life.

“Yeah, real snow, not the bubbles in Disney land, are you excited?”

“Yeah, is Jackson gogo going to stay with us too?” your son asked, eyes darting to his new goodies before looking at you expectantly.

“Well, Jackson gogo has his own house and we have ours, but we can always visit him,” Yukhei explained.

“Hehe, okay,” your son said before getting distracted by the crème brulé set in front of him, digging in immediately.

“When do you want us to make the move?” you asked, thinking of all the things you have to pack, which isn't a lot, but you might have to courier some of your clothes over first.

“Whenever you want, I'll get our home ready as soon as possible, is there anything you need in the house? Other than the basics of course,” Yukhei asked, uncertain of any needs you have as a woman or maybe for your son.

“Can we have a study room for Wenghei? With a desk and shelves? We love to read, and he'll need a proper desk when he's older,” you asked, hoping it wasn't too much.

“Yeah, sure, I'll be sure to get it done,” Yukhei said, noting it down into his phone.

“But it's no rush on the study room part, he's just three after all, before I go, I have to apply visas for both of us,” you said, dreading the thought of filling up paperwork, you haven't done much of that ever since you left the law firm.

“Call me if you need any help on that, I'm sure my manager knows how to,” Yukhei said.

“You’re going to tell your company about us?” you asked, knowing how strict Korean entertainment companies are.

“They can't let me go just because of having my own family, they didn't let Jongdae, my senior, go, so we’ll be fine, I promise,” Yukhei said, reaching a hand over to hold yours reassuringly, his eyes looking into yours, filled with love and adoration.

“Okay, now how about we walk around the complex until 10? Wenghei doesn't have school tomorrow,” you suggested.

“Yeah, sure, we could even stay out later if you want,” Yukhei said enthusiastically, getting up slightly to call for the bill.

“You have a flight to catch tomorrow,” you reminded him in your motherly voice, which you regretted almost instantly, cursing yourself, reminding yourself to act more like an actual 22 year old, but Yukhei didn't say anything about it, hiding his smile by nodding deeply, almost like a bow.

“Okay, I just wanted to spend more time with the two of you,” Yukhei said, stopping when he saw the waiter coming back with the credit card machine, paying with just a glance at the bill.

The three of you spent your remaining time shopping and at the arcade, playing games with your son, Yukhei had insisted on getting you a new pair of sneakers, but you shot him down when he wanted to buy more stuff, especially toys for Wenghei.

“You can buy him toys when we’re there, it'll cost even more to ship more stuff over, and there's a risk of damaging the toys as well,” you said.

But of course your son threw a fit at the shop, all for some legos.

“Hey, buddy, I'll buy you lots the next time I see you, okay? I'll buy you one that's even bigger than this,” Yukhei said, squatting down next to his son, and even then he wasn't eye level with him, sometimes you forget how tall Yukhei actually is until you see a scene like this, or when you stand really close to him.

When it was 10pm, painful goodbyes were exchanged with a promise of face timing everyday, your son cried, and held onto his father dearly, and you haven't even told him Yukhei was his dad, but their bond is evident.

Yukhei held onto you and your son until his taxi came, and you waved until you couldn't see the taillights.

It's been a month since that fateful reunion, and Yukhei has squeezed in face times, calls, and texts in between schedules, giving you and your son time despite his busy career.

His company wasn’t too happy about it of course, but was somewhat glad that you weren't one to babble your business to gossip outlets.

You're now packing your things, one last time, you've been to the post office multiple times before to courier out your stuff to Korea, and every time a box reached his address, Yukhei would take a photo of it, telling you the stuff arrived safely.

Progress on your new home was quick, since it was already a fully furnished unit, Yukhei only needed to buy some furniture and things that cater to your son’s needs, he even picked out a pre school that teaches mandarin, perfect for your son’s adjustment in such a foreign country.

Tomorrow you'd be flying to Korea, a new country, a new start, but there was something clouding your mind, something you've been dreading, but today is the day you’ll tell him.

“Wenghei, can you come to mama for a second?” you asked, soon hearing your son’s tiny footsteps nearing you.

“Yes, mama?” your son asked, a hand around his precious teddy.

“There's something I need to tell you,” you said holding him close to you, letting him sit onto your lap.

“Remember how you asked me why you didn't have a baba while all your other classmates did?” you asked, trying to word it as nicely as possible.

“You said my baba had a really big responsibility, that he couldn't see us because of it, that he'll come back when he's free,” your son answered you, struggling to remember more details.

“Yes, good job, Wenghei, your memorising skills are getting better. Well, your baba is actually Yukhei gogo, he’s back now, and we can finally be a family again,” you said before holding in a breath, not knowing how he’ll react.

“Baba is Yukhei gogo? That's why we’re going to Korea?” your son asked, confusion written on his face.

“Yeah, do you like that he's your baba?” you asked, this could be the most important question ever.

“Yeah, mama, do you love baba? Does baba love you as much as I do?” your son asked, which very much surprised you, but expecting this sort of maturity from him.

“Yes, we love each other, and both of us love you as much too,” you said with a pinch of his chubby cheeks.

“Do we ever have to be separated from baba again?” your son asked, scared of losing his newfound father.

“No, never again, and can you do me one favour, Wenghei? I think the next time when you see your baba, you should run up to him and say hi baba, he’ll be very happy to hear you call him that,” you suggested, imagining the look on Yukhei’s face.

Your son giggled at the thought of making his father happy, agreeing immediately.

“Okay, now go to sleep, it's going to be your first time flying tomorrow,” you said, ushering him onto the bed.

“Okay, goodnight, mama,” your son said to you, just like he did every other night, he seemed to have accepted it very easily, maybe it was due to his age, but some day he might ask his father about his departure personally when he understands more, but that’s a hardship that’s reserved for another day.

The flight was relatively short, though it was rather hard for Wenghei at the start because of the pressure he had experienced in his ears, the crying and whining got you plenty of dirty looks from passengers around you, but you paid no mind to it, you’ve been through worst so this is nothing that can faze you.

When you got there, you saw a lady holding up a plaque with your name on it, her phone in her hand, checking all the moms who came out of the same lane as you.

She had a friendly smile on her face when she saw you, introducing herself in mandarin, being one of Wayv’s staff, a trusted one, according to Yukhei.

She talked to you about Yukhei in general, even giving your son a bar of mini KitKat, praising him for being brave on the flight after she had asked you how was your flight.

Around half an hour later, you've reached your new home, a nice looking condominium that looked about a few years old.

Unloading took quite some time, even with the help of the staff, but what surprised you was the person who was waiting for you inside the lobby.

“You're here!” you said surprised at the sight of the giant.

“Yeah, I am, wanted to give you a surprise, sorry I couldn't be outside, some crazy fans camp outside, can’t let them bring you and Wenghei any harm,” Yukhei said as he carried Wenghei, spinning in a small circle, looking at him with full of love.

“I understand, don't worry, I'm not a teenager girl anymore,” you said as you checked out the place, the sitting area had a couch set and free WiFi, this is a 180 from the living conditions in Hong Kong.

“Baba, did you miss me?” your son asked when he had stopped giggling from his father’s spins, which instantly ceased to a halt, eyes growing as wide as saucers.

“What did you call me? Say it again,” Yukhei said with the biggest smile on his face, all of his teeth were showing.

“Mama said you were my Baba,” Wenghei said like it was as simple as two plus two.

“Yeah... I am your baba, and you're my son,” Yukhei said before holding his son even closer, you could even see the tears at the corner of his eyes.

“Why don't we go see our new home Wenghei?” you suggested, seeing that some people have came out from the lifts, typical going to work hours.

You walked a feet away from Yukhei, not wanting to draw attention, holding onto the lift for Yukhei to bring all your luggage in.

Once you were at your level, you started loosening up, noticing that no one was around.

“This is my members’ unit,” Yukhei said pointing at a door, “And this is ours,” Yukhei said before opening the door for you, welcoming you into a warmly decorated home, every piece of furniture was placed and chose to accommodate your child, all the corners were covered with this e rubber safety stickers.

He showed you into Wenghei's room where the bed had all his favourite characters in the form of a plushie, his bed was soft when you sat down on it, and the blanket he had picked out was a soft fleece material, perfect for the cold weather.

Your son was going around every corner, awing at everything his father had gotten him, especially the Lego sets that were on his desk.

“Thank you, it's beautiful, his room,” you said when Yukhei wrapped an arm around your waist, bringing you closer to him, god how much you've missed his warmth.

“Go take a look at your room,” Yukhei said before pulling your hand into the direction of the master bedroom, welcoming you into a room with a king size bed and silk linen sheets, an aesthetic looking vanity that you've always wanted as a teenager, now as well of course, and a little reading corner just for you by the window.

“It's all I've ever wanted,” you said in disbelief, not knowing how could Yukhei pull this off in such a short time.

“You like it? I got some help from my members, especially Kun for the kitchen, you should check it out afterwards, you always wanted a big kitchen area,” Yukhei said as you laid on the bed, giving your stiff body a rest from the journey.

“Lay down with me for a while, I’m a bit tired from the flight,” you said, making grabby hands at him.

“Nah, I shouldn’t, this is your bed,” Yukhei said, looking flustered.

“Wong Yukhei, I’ve had your child and now you're acting all innocent?” you asked in an accusing tone, playing with him, which made him lay down next to you immediately, he didn't like getting you angry, thinking back all those days when you had lectured him just like that when he forgot to do his homework.

“You want me to sleep here?” Yukhei asked carefully, observing your expressions.

“This is our bedroom, where else do you want to sleep?” you asked, but was promptly cut off by Yukhei's lips on yours, smiling as he kissed you, gentle but expressing all his love for you, a hand lingering on your back, guiding you closer than him.

Many mistakes that had to be made had guided you here, but you've never regretted, for if it wasn't for the hardships and the crossroads, you wouldn't have found a home with the man you'll cross oceans for.

The end.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

The Jordan Hill article is a great example of what I am currently learning, just as an update I did end up changing majors. I am currently majoring in early childhood education, and the majority of our course work is focused on gender identity and how the teachers emphasis on certain subjects creates bias. Last week we spoke about how more logical subjects make girls feel less competent. Only to be told this week that maybe if teachers focused more on educating and praising girls when they complete a math problem we can help reduce gender and sex bias in the classroom. On today’s topic we will be learning about the gingerbread man/woman to display the complexities of sex and gender identification. I am don’t know if you have heard of the so called gingerbread person, but I just had to say something after reading the hill article.

Yikes.

Yes, I’ve posted about that before. It should go without saying that it’s completely unscientific and requires one to believe that humans did not evolve alongside other species that are sexually dimorphic and exhibit gendered behaviors.

Social constructivism is inherently a form of “intelligent design.” Where Xians believe that an all-powerful god created life, social constructivists believe that an all-powerful oppressor class invented the "lie” of sex and gender and socially engineered everyone into accepting this as “truth” and perpetuate it in the preservation of that power.

Except the most rudimentary study of pretty much any other species, and certainly any mammal, will demonstrate this is obviously false. Which, of course, is why science must be “decolonized” to let non-science be treated like actual science.

And worse, it’s all based on stereotypes. What I have is a slightly different version, but let’s zoom in on some of the detail:

That is, build your identity around tired stereotypes of what “woman-ness” and “man-ness” means, what “feminine” and “masculine” mean.

You can’t be a femme boy, or a tomboy girl. You have to identify along lines of not being a boy or a girl at all.

And of course, the messaging itself will influence children who are still learning to navigate the world and figure out how it works. That, of course, is the point of indoctrination. Pretending that well-understood concepts and language are actually complex allows shallow, juvenile takes to masquerade as intellectual profundities.

==

By all means, let’s work on the gender bias in the classroom.

https://dash.harvard.edu/bitstream/handle/1/4740480/Pathways_to_Prosperity_Feb2011-1.pdf

In recent years, a yawning gender gap has opened up in American higher education. Men now account for just 43 percent of enrollment in our nation's colleges and earn only 43% of bachelor's degrees. Not surprisingly, women also account for 60 percent of the nations graduate students.

-- Taken from the report-Gender Equity in Higher Education: 2010-issued by the American Council on Education. The report also found that among undergraduate students over 25, women outnumber men by a two-to-one margin. The largest gender gap was found among African Americans, where 63 percent of all undergraduates were women.

https://www.ppic.org/blog/the-growing-gender-divide-in-higher-education/

https://www.brookings.edu/blog/up-front/2021/01/12/the-unreported-gender-gap-in-high-school-graduation-rates/

https://www.aei.org/carpe-diem/prediction-no-graduation-speaker-will-mention-the-29-gender-college-degree-gap-for-the-class-of-2018/

https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2017/11/gender-education-gap/546677/

https://www.heraldscotland.com/news/12027786.the-gender-gap-that-threatens-to-become-a-chasm/

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2019/sep/05/gap-in-academic-skills-of-girls-and-boys-widens-show-sats

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/09/young-men-college-decline-gender-gap-higher-education/620066/

https://archive.ph/Fj6wY

But I don’t think they don’t want to do that, when they’re busy creating the bias. It’s not even a new bias; Christina Hoff Sommers was talking about this 20 years ago.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2000/05/the-war-against-boys/304659/

https://www.amazon.com/WAR-AGAINST-BOYS-Misguided-Feminism/dp/0684849577

This, along with being 75% of all homeless, 75% of all suicides, 92% of all workplace deaths, two thirds of all victims of violent crime, 75% of all murder victims and dying 5 years earlier, falls under the broad spectrum suite of “systemic” benefits they experience called “male privilege.”

Certainly, in many countries, girls getting access to a quality education is a very big challenge. However, when we’re talking about luxury beliefs such as the “Genderbread Person,” we’re not talking about Afghanistan or Somalia or Chad. And the activists sure aren’t talking about them.

==

You may find Dr. Lyell Asher’s examination of education schools to be enlightening.

https://quillette.com/author/lyell-asher/

He points out that the corruption in ed schools is far older than the current Woke plague that is beleaguering us and threatening the future of all kids, their employability and the competitiveness of the countries where it takes hold.

https://www.amazon.com/Schools-We-Need-Dont-Have/dp/0385495242

‘The widest street in the world’ is one witty description of the street that separates the campus of Teachers College from the rest of Columbia University. The current sentiment at research universities that professors of education are ‘lesser breeds without the law’ is one that has been expressed since the beginning of the century. In 1916, Abraham Flexner wrote that education schools had ‘lost their heads’ when they called for the removal of important knowledge as well as trivia from the school curriculum. He complained of their unwarranted devotion to technique, as well as the ‘absurdities and trivialities’ of their course offerings and dissertation topics. In 1929, Irving Babbit of Harvard observed that professors of pedagogy ‘are held in almost universal suspicion in academic circles, and are not infrequently looked upon by their colleagues as downright charlatans.’ Not long thereafter, in 1933, the retiring president of Harvard, Lawrence Lowell, told the Board of Overseers that Harvard’s school of education was a ‘kitten that ought to be drowned.’ During the downsizing of more recent decades, education schools continue to be among the first place universities look for belt-tightening, and in some places, notably Johns Hopkins, Yale, and Duke, such schools have disappeared'

Even those running the schools recognized the problem.

“Study, reflection, debate, careful reading, even, yes, serious thinking, is often conspicuous by its absence. [..] Un-intellectualism—not anti-intellectualism, as this assumes malice—is all too prevalent.”

-- Theodore Sizer (Dean, Harvard Graduate School of Education) and Walter Powell (Associate Dean, Harvard Graduate School of Education), “Changing Conceptions of the Professor of Education” (1969)

-

“... elite education schools are doing an adequate job of conveying fundamental, broad-based knowledge and skills to prospective teachers. The foundations and methods courses we reviewed suggest that faculty at most of these schools are often trying to teach a particular ideology-that traditional knowledge is repressive by its very nature-without directing their students to any substantial readings that question the educational implications of this view.”

-- David Steiner, Susan Rozen, “A Qualified Teacher in Every Classroom” (2004)

By 2004, we can see the threads of what we now know as “other ways of knowing,” social constructivism and the abandonment of educational content in preference to activism.

==

I don’t mean to try to put you off from your ambition. More to affirm what you’ve already noticed: that the challenge here is larger than advertised. It’s not merely making it through tertiary education, meeting all the demands and the work that such education entails. But also navigating an authoritarian ideology that has become extremely confident in itself - supremely so, one might even say -  and brooks no dissent.

I tip my imaginary hat to you for the challenge that you’re taking on.

As with any young non-believer growing up around fundamentalist religionist parents, you will likely find you have to lie in order to get by. But if you can discreetly find others whose ethics are more liberal and less postmodern Marxian, you may find you’re not as alone here as it might seem.

And hopefully there’ll be more teachers like Jordan Hill and fewer like this.

That is, “gaslight infants and toddlers for their own good.”

[f1notebook]

Max Verstappen's career

Here you have the little post about Max's career like I promise. For this one we are kind of doing a test, it's a preposition my lovely @babssionate did and I am thinking about it for a while so let's see how it works.

So you have the 5 pages of Max's career on the top, without comments like I always did. Now I am taking some info I want to talk about and so I can do it. Let me know what you think !

So let's start with the first one :

The real interesting thing here is that Max only made a year in single-seater juniors, he never drove in the F2 championship for example. And he went from karting to F3 immediately, not droving in Formula Renault or similar categories.

Max was karting until 2013, it was the year he won the World KZ Championship. That winter he tested various cars, one of them being the F3 car and decided to drive in that category. He didn't win it but he came 3rd, which isn't bad at all. The big surprise comes here, when Red Bull decides to put him in an F1 car at 17 years old, the youngest F1 driver ever.

It could have been a disaster, with only one year in single-seater it was a risky move that most of the drivers couldn't take as normally they need time to learn and to progress. However, Max didn't let anyone indifferent with his drive style (I won't talk about it as I believe @race-week would do it wayyyy better so nicely ask her if she can if she hasn't done it yet)

You can see his precocity on the team he needed to make his way from Torro Roso to Red Bull, help a little bit by Daniil but it's still insane, especially looking at his results and the fact he won his first race with Red Bull but you all know that story.

Another very interesting thing in Max's career is his loyalty to Red Bull and how he always stays with them, 100% of his F1 career has been made with a Red Bull team.

Going now to the stats one ! Let be honest, If you don't follow F1, and you hear something about this Max Verstappen guy and go check his stats, you will think he isn't that good. Of course these stats don't include the 2021 season as it still going and I don't know when I will post this when I do it.

But the truth is, 119 starts over 6 seasons and only 10 wins. However what I highlighted here is something I found very interesting, the difference between the wins and the podiums. Looking at it you can just think he doesn't have what it takes to win, however knowing the sport it's completely normal.

Until now, Max was always in a car that wasn't competitive to win championships, a car that was good in some circuit like Brazil or Austria, but didn't make the difference during all championship.

Another interesting way of looking at it is the podiums, because if we say Max's car wasn't perfect and good enough to win, that means a car was, in this case, Mercedes, they were then, theoretically 1-2, one spot left in the podium, however, Max has a teammate that has the same car as him. So the 42 podiums show how dominant he has been on the team. Of course, this isn't math, is a sport, and Mercedes aren't always on the podium 1-2, but it's stats over 100 races with 42 podiums, so at some podium, the tendency is confirmed when he has 35% of podiums.

There is two more very interesting points on this page, first, something I didn't highlight but I should have, is the point Max has in F1, 1162 from 2015 to 2020, 38% of what he could have (fastest point included since 2019), but one even more important point that isn't here, it that Max very rarely finished outside the points. When he doesn't get points is mostly because he didn't show the checkered flag, interesting no ?

The last one is the number of pole positions, even if Max never had the fastest car on the grid, qualifying was not his biggest strength, he is way better during the race, overtaking than doing a perfect lap. (But again, it's about his driving style).

Moving now to the Championship tracker, the progression from Torro Roso to Red Bull is absolutely insane, but I already spoke about it here. However, I highlighted the positions he finished during his F1 career and how consistent he has been through the years, here again, at least for 2019 and 2020, the theory of the Mercedes is true again.

The last one, and what I believe, one of the most intresting ones. I obviously put a spotlight on the pole position by year, Max had to wait until 2018 for his first pole position, for the record, from 2016 to 2018, Red Bull only had 1 pole position in Monaco 2016.

Now, my favorite part, the number of podiums, for the info, the 2018 and 2019 calendar had 21 races and the 2020 calendar had 17 races.

Knowing that, it means Max was able to score 52,38% of the available podiums in 2018, 47,62% in 2019 and more importantly 64% in 2020. Those numbers are absolutely insane for a driver that wasn't battle for the championship win or wasn't in a car that won the championship constructors'.

Coming to the end of this post, I think we can all agree Max has a great talent, especially look at his career and how he arrived in F1 and stay, doing well and been consistent.

I wanted to add a little note to something that isn't in the graphs but I believe is important to know and remember. When Max arrived in F1, he was involved in a couple of accidents, and that image stayed in the minds of a lot of people, I think is fair to remember Max has progressed and improved a lot since his F1 debut, and he is nearly never involved in an accident, especially been the guilty one. Most of his DNF have been due to engine and mechanics problems. Remember here that Max has only 2 penalty points on his superlicence. (I wrote this a week before Monza, I just edited the 2 that was a 0 before, I decided to let this part as I believe Max improved a lot since he joined F1 and I like to highlight that)

I really hope you enjoy this post, I wanted to thank @babssionate for the idea and remembering her how amazing she is !

I mentioned a sort of post @race-week does about the driving style, I don't know she already did it with Max, if she hasn't you can always ask but please, I beg you, be nice to this sweetheart, ask nicely and remember she has other things to do !

The next one on the list is Sergio ! Hope he will come soon, probably after the next race !

If you have some time please check the links below

If you want to talk about Max' career and this post, send me an ask (anon or not)

My linktree | My Redbubble store | Tell me your opinion on my work (google forms)

[jmlascar]

a story of overcoming imposter syndrome

(Or rather, taming it. This shit never fully goes away.)

In 2019-2021, I was doing a Master of Science far away from home. And any time I attended a meeting with my supervisor (a very kind man who loved to chit-chat), I was terrified. 

Basically, I had an imposter syndrome the size of a house. It ate me alive.

My anxiety had gotten so bad I lived with a permanent stomach ache, and those meetings were the bane of my existence. He never criticised me, but I imagined he thought me his worst student ever, and was in deep regret over hiring me.  I was my own harshest critic. In my eyes, the work I was doing was mediocre. Worse, I didn’t even know how to approach becoming better. I felt stupid, and genuinely considered leaving STEM altogether. 

I did try to leave STEM, gave it a good go, actually, had a few existential crises and brand new life-plans, but the universe must have wanted me to stay on this track cause there was always *something* in the way. Brexit, a missed deadline, a paperwork problem. I got accepted to two different non-STEM programs before something outside of my control said “nope”, which at the time felt crushing. It was horribly frustrating. Many tears were shed.

In all that frustration I figured, you know what, let’s give STEM one last chance. Let me take that imposter syndrome seriously, and say: Alright. I’m not good enough. So let me become good enough. And if I give it my best shot and I’m still unhappy, fuck it, I’ll leave. I’ll become an artist or a philosopher, and I’ll never look at a goddamn ssh terminal again. 

So, in good Jules fashion, I applied to a program I was unqualified for. That one is not imposter syndrome speaking; it was a maths grad program in statistics, and I hadn’t done a proper stats course since highschool. But that lack was a big part of why I’d felt so out of my depth in my Astrophysics MSc, that, and my shoddy programming skills, which the new program also offered. So, I applied.

During the interview, I managed to sound extremely enthusiastic and confident in my abilities to pick it up as we went (that’s one thing imposter syndrome teaches you! you become an expert at bullshitting), and so, though the jury told me I’d have to work hard, they took me on. 

It was hard. It was really hard, I’ve barely made any art this past year because of all the work, but I pushed on. Gradually, in fits and starts, I wasn’t feeling like such a fraud anymore. I didn’t care about grades beyond passing: only about learning, about what I could use the knowledge for, and that made all the difference for my self-esteem. 

In the end, what was supposed to be a means to an end, a last-ditch attempt at becoming an astrophysicists, became a new passion. Cause it turns out that actually, I fucking love maths? (Specifically, maths for image processing.)  So I took an internship in that, and I loved it. 

I’ve known I wanted to do a PhD since I knew what a PhD was, but for the first time, I could picture myself doing it. Having the confidence to explore new avenues. Having the skill to implement them. 

Getting funding for that PhD was like my anxiety’s last hurrah, but even then, facing an unkind jury with my whole future in their hands, it never got as bad as the years before, because I knew I had it in me, that I’d done everything I could, and if they refused anyway, it wouldn’t be my fault. Isn’t that a thought?

And I got it! A PhD in maths applied to astro imagery. This has been my first week. It still doesn’t feel quite real. 

To finish, a couple weeks ago I had to present my internship report for that stats program, essentially the last judging to get the diploma. And well, while I thought I’d become confident, it became clear that my perception of my work was still entirely too harsh — they told me I’d done “so much work” and gave me an excellent grade, while I’d felt i hadn’t done enough and was worried they’d say as much. 

So, I guess I’ll always be hard on myself. No avoiding that, I’m built that way now. A lot of us are, especially in STEM, especially women. But if we can channel that feeling into something positive, into motivation to work and improve instead of flagellating ourselves for being a flawed human being? I reckon we’ll be okay. 

[reallivegeekgirl]

StanQuest

Something clicked on in my brain a couple months ago and suddenly Sebastian Stan became the hottest man alive. So I decided to watch everything he’s ever been in. A friend and I called it StanQuest.

Here are my spoiler-free reviews for anyone considering something similar (in inverse chronological order starting with latest works and going back in time. The stars are an overall rating of the work, not of Sebastian’s performance.

This only lists things I could find streaming for free or a price I was willing to pay. It does not count after credits scenes, music videos, or works in which he was uncredited.

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (2021) - TV show - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - This started it all. I very much enjoyed it. Good balance of humor and action, heart and heroics. I’ve watched it four times already, and will watch it again. Bucky Barnes is my favorite character of his and this is my favorite story of Bucky's so far. I can’t wait to see what he does next. (And I have a lot to say about how they treat his trauma in this show. I’ve definitely written about it before and may again.)

Monday (2020) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐ - This is the one where he gets naked. If that’s all you’re looking for, enjoy. It was a very realistic portrayal of a relationship between two deeply flawed people. It can get depressing. But hey, penis.

The Devil All the Time (2020) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - If you think Monday is depressing, this movie says “hold my beer”. But something about it is just captivating. It’s really disturbing, and if you’ve ever been screwed over by American Evangelical Christianity it might be more disturbing. Still, I’ve watched it twice. And as much of a bastard as Lee Bodecker is, he also looks really cuddly. He’s just barely in it.

The Last Full Measure (2019) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - You will cry. A lot. It’s based on a true story. Sebastian plays a man who cares more about his career than this weird quest dumped on his desk by his boss, but changes his mind and his heart as he investigates why a war hero was denied a medal of honor 34 years before. Definitely recommend.

Endings, Beginnings (2019) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - One of two love interests in the complicated life of Shailene Woodley’s Daphne, Sebastian is an adorable mess. The editing is interesting and fresh feeling. Watch it and you’ll see what I mean. Fair amount of sex in this movie, and you see his butt. It’s a very nice butt. I’ve watched this one a few times so far.

Avengers: Endgame (2019) - Movie - ⭐⭐ - There is no reason to watch this movie if you’re not familiar with at least most of the rest of the MCU. It plays merry hob with the rules of time travel, and only makes sense if you don’t really think about it. In my opinion, the ending is really freaking stupid comsidering his character’s history, but at least it sets up TFatWS, which was amazing.

We Have Always Lived in the Castle (2018) - Movie - ⭐ - If you’re into movies that are creepy but also almost nothing happens for most of the movie, this is the one for you. Sebastian is handsome as hell, but also a complete asshole. As fine as he is, I’m not gonna watch this again. I fucking hated it.

Destroyer (2018) - Movie - ⭐⭐- I had a hard time paying attention to the plot because it seemed like they made this movie just to get Nicole Kidman an Oscar nomination for wearing ugly makeup and playing a complete mess of a person. It’s a fine movie, and all of the performances are good. Sebastian looks surprisingly good with the short hair and goatee. Ultimately, the plot is depressing and the whole movie seems kind of pointless.

Avengers: Infinity War (2018) - Movie - ⭐⭐- Again, no reason to watch this if you aren’t already familiar with all the movies leading up to it. It’s long and the villain looks like Grimace and a California Raisin had an evil baby. The ending made me scream with frustration that I had to wait until the next one came out. Now I just watch them back-to-back if I watch them at all. It’s not a good movie, but it is part of a long-form story that I enjoy in general.

I’m Not Here (2017) - Movie - ⭐⭐- Another depressing one. Told over the course of one man’s terrible life, it’s a sad account of how much your parents can fuck you up. Sebastian portrays the middle part of the man’s life. J.K. Simmons plays the current day part and unreliable narrator.. Do not watch unless you are fully prepared to be sad for a really long time after.

I, Tonya (2017) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐- This movie is hilarious. I mean, the true story is insane and really stupid. The spousal abuse is hard to watch, and Sebastian’s mustache in this is a war crime. But the acting is great and it’s a very engaging movie. The parts that aren’t horrifying are pretty funny.

Logan Lucky (2017) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - Watch. This. Movie. Sebastian Stan is only in it a little, but it’s a really fun, clever caper/heist movie and everyone in it is fantastic. I don’t want to say anything else about it if you’re going in fresh. I’ll be rewatching this one a lot

Captain America: Civil War (2016) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - If you ignore how kind of silly the conflict over the Sokovia Accords is, this is a good Marvel movie. Sebastian gets a lot of screen time because Bucky is the more pressing concern/urgent point of contention than the Accords. Bucky is my favorite character of his partly because of this movie.

The Martian (2015) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - I’m watching it(again) as I’m typing this. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve watched it. Sebastian Stan isn’t in it very much, but he’s very cute and so is his little story arc. Mostly I watch it because Ridley Scott made a fantastic movie. If you can get your hands on the Blu-Ray, it comes with a ton of extras. They made a very complete story that isn’t all seen in the movie. A lot of it is stuff about Mars, but there are also extra “crew” interviews, so there’s another chance to see more of Sebastian’s character.

Ricki and the Flash (2015) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - He’s not in this very much, but he’s very cute when he does appear. It’s all about the relationship between Ricki and her daughter. Definitely rewatchable. Meryl Streep is fantastic, because she’s Meryl Streep.

The Bronze (2015) - Movie - ⭐ - This is not a good movie. It’s about Olympic gymnastics, so it might be slightly more interesting right now while the Olympics are happening. Sebastian isn’t in it a lot, but his performance is certainly… memorable. Weirdest sex scene I’ve ever seen. Worth watching just for that.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - This is the one I can watch over and over. I bought a Winter Soldier face mask for when I need to feel like a badass. Bucky’s story is really sad, but he’s also extremely sexy with the metal arm and determined walk.

Once Upon a Time (2012-2013) - TV Show - ⭐⭐⭐ - This show is so stupid, but it’s also fun. If you haven’t seen it, the premise is that fairy tale characters are real and live in another land. Snow White’s Evil Queen casts a spell to transport a bunch of them to a town she creates in Maine called Storybrooke, and gives them all fake memories so she can be mayor and watch them all not remember who they are. Sebastian plays Jefferson, a.k.a. The Mad Hatter. He’s in a few episodes in season 1 and 2, and doesn’t get a ton of screen time, but he’s really cute and tragic as Jefferson. It probably helps to watch the whole first season just to understand his episodes, but that’s up to your tolerance for weird shit. Note: IMDB says he’s in an episode uncredited, but I’ve watched it and didn’t see him anywhere in that one.

Labyrinth (2012) - TV Mini-Series - ⭐⭐⭐ - Two episodes that tell a complete story. Sebastian isn’t in this one a whole lot, but he is adorable. It’s a strange story about religious stuff and a sort of Holy Grail that’s three books. It’s hard to describe. It’s on Amazon Prime right now, but they’re taking it down August 8, 2021, so watch it while you can.

The Apparition (2012) - Movie - ⭐ - If you like horror movies, you might like this. I did not. From what I understand, it’s not a very good horror movie. Watch with caution and expect it to suck.

Political Animals (2012) - TV Mini-Series - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - I had to buy this through Apple and watch it on a Mac, but it was worth it. Sebastian plays TJ Hammond, the out gay son of a former American president who is clearly based on Bill Clinton. Sigorney Weaver plays the former first lady and current secretary of state. TJ struggles with addiction and relationship problems. His performance is heart-wrenching. The whole show is pretty great. I wish there was more of it.

Gone (2012) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐ - More of a psychological thriller than a horror movie. Sebastian has a small amount of screen time as the worried boyfriend. Amanda Seyfried is good. She carries the film well on her own.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - If you haven’t seen this yet, I’d like to know what it’s like under your rock. This is a movie I can rewatch a lot, and have. I 100% cried in the theater. Sebastian looks fantastic in uniform as Bucky Barnes. This is his introduction and the start of his ultimately tragic story (before he’s saved by his best friend, again).

Black Swan (2010) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐⭐ - Sebastian is barely in this. He’s basically just in one scene in a dance club. But I watched it to try to complete StanQuest, and I had seen it before. It’s a good movie, but might induce some nightmares, depending on what scares you. If Natalie Portman didn’t at least get a nomination for an award she was robbed.

Gossip Girl (2007-2010) - TV Show - ⭐⭐ - Carter Baizen is a little shit. The episodes with Sebastian in them might have made more sense if I watched the show from the beginning, but I didn’t want to. His character is an asshole, but a very cute one.

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐- The people who made this movie are bad at math, and their rules of time travel are sketchy at best, but it is funny and entertaining. Sebastian plays a ski patrol bro who’s paranoid about the Russians, which is hilarious irony to me. Worth watching if you want to laugh at something dumb.

Kings (2009) - TV Show - ⭐⭐⭐- Sebastian plays Jack Benjamin, the closeted gay son of the king of a fictional place. It’s loosely based on the David and Goliath story from the Bible. Sebastian is so sad and so gay. His family makes his life a living hell. Ian McShane is a force of nature in this. It’s only one season. I’ve watched it twice. I will watch it again.

Spread (2009) - Movie - no stars - This movie was practically unwatchable. It stars Ashton Kutcher and Anne Heche as a romantic couple, I guess? I ended up just skipping to Sebastian’s scenes and only watching those. Still painful.

The Covenant (2006) - Movie - ⭐⭐⭐ - This movie is so fuckig stupid, and I will watch it a ridiculous number of times. It’s about magic and teenagers, like The Craft for boys. Nothing about it makes sense. It’s terrible, almost irredeemable, but an evil Sebastian with magic powers is a siren song that will make me steer my boat right into the rocks.

And there you have it. There are a bunch of earlier things on IMDB that I just can’t find or don’t want to pay to rent. Maybe some day I’ll watch them and add them to this list.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

The political possibility of cities

The coming year feels like an important one. Democrats have the chance to pass the For the People Act, which will reverse decades of right-wing voter suppression, steering the US away from the baked-in antimajoritarian characteristics of its politics

At the same time, a successful vaccine rollout (assuming variants can be controlled) will mean widespread "re-openings," most notably in cities, where we find the highest concentrations of virus-incompatible stuff: mass transit, elevators, theaters and "cozy" cafes.

Cities are of huge political significance. The rise and rise of inequality has been attended by skyrocketing rents in cities, largely driven by money-launderers and speculators who turned housing stock into empty safe deposit boxes in the sky.

Cities were also key to delivering the 2020 election: Biden took major cities by 13m votes, inner suburbs by 4m votes, and midsized cities by 1.5m votes. 80% of Biden's votes came from these three categories.

As Ronald Brownstein writes in The Atlantic, "If you draw an imaginary beltway around almost any major metropolitan area, Democrats are growing stronger inside that circle, while Republicans are consolidating their position outside of it."

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2021/03/how-biden-could-partner-big-cities-and-suburbs/618294/

Last summer's BLM uprising was a mostly urban affair, but even before then, the GOP was waging war on cities, with Mitch McConnell cutting maintenance and relief funds for cities, and Trump demanding quarter for ICE snatch-squads.

America's urbanization is an unbroken trend, and cities are semi-autonomous, wildly imperfect, young, diverse and economically powerful. They are also politically important, and many of the reddest states would be blue or very purple if cities were given due representation.

Brownstein's account of cities during the Trump years makes the case that a Biden focus on mayors, rather than the deadlocked Congress and Senate, or the fringe ideologues who were crammed onto the Supreme Court, is the key to making real political change.

The deadlocked legislature is not a new phenomenon. Several presidential administrations have focused on executive orders and regulations from the administrative branch to effect change, but these are flimsy political wins. What one exec order can create, another can undo.

Net Neutrality is here, then gone, then (maybe) here again. Without legislation, these policies aren't worth the Federal Register pages they're printed on. But there are methods to durably inscribe policy, and these are primarily urban.

Mostly, we remember the negative ways that this occurs: redlining, driving freeways through Black neighborhoods or skipping over parts of the city when it comes to subway access. Infrastructure is policy - and it's among the most permanent forms of policy we have.

As recent years have demonstrated, the future is a chaotic place, but as Charlie Stross has noted, the elements of the future that are indeed up for grabs are actually pretty narrow: 90% of the future is here today.

https://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/2019/12/artificial-intelligence-threat.html

Most of the homes people will be living in in 10 years are on the road today. Most of the people who'll be alive then are living today. most of the cars that will be on the road are already in service today.

Even sharp discontinuities like the pandemic don't change those facts much (Stross and I did a conference presentation last week where he said that maybe all the chaos of the past five years has reduced the present's share of the future to 80%, still a commanding majority).

Cities are places where administrative policies can inscribe themselves indelibly upon the future. As LA Sustainability Czar Lauren Faber O'Connor told Brownstein, "Every building in the country is basically a shovel-ready project."

A fed solarize/winterize subsidy for buildings makes a difference for decades to come: not just the carbon footprint of the built environment, but also the baseline expectations for decent buildings. It permanently alters the balance between energy companies and the nation.

Every local government could take the feds up on this, but self-owning culture war foolishness predicts that the benefit will accrue predominantly to the large/mid-sized cities and inner burbs that delivered the election to Biden.

Vehicles don't last as long as buildings, but they are remarkably durable. Biden wants to replace the fed fleet with EVs - he could subsidize cities to do the same, creating huge efficiencies of scale for EV production and demand for permanent EV charging infrastructure.

Of course, the future is transit-based, not private-vehicle-based. Just do the math: multiply the number of people who need to go places by the amount of highway a private vehicle operates, and you'll find an inescapable Red Queen's Race.

The more road we need for those private vehicles, the further apart everything gets. The further apart everything gets, the more cars we need. The more cars we need, the more road we need. The more road we need, the further apart everything gets.

If building mass transit is "socialism" then geometry is a socialist plot (and no, you can't fix this by moving cars into tunnels; do the math). Transit permanently alters where people live and work, and what they expect from their cities. A transit subsidy is a no-brainer.

Biden can't force the states to switch to carbon neutral energy sources, but he can subsidize municipal energy facilities' voluntary switchover, again, permanently altering the economics of fossil-fuel power generation.

Red states aren't red: they are gerrymandered purple states that punish and starve their economic and population centers in the name of culture war nonsense and white supremacy. There are opportunities to permanently alter this situation.

For example, the Biden FCC could resinstate the rule banning states from limiting municipal fiber, and then subsidize 100GB/s muni networks, with emphasis on the urban broadband deserts in the majority-minority neighborhoods created by redlining.

Once cities are operating profitable muni networks that connect *everyone* to service that is 1,000-10,000x faster than the aging copper lines that cable monopolists refuse to upgrade, those networks will become permanent facts.

(as with many anti-monopoly interventions, these will do double-duty: the cable companies' lobbying ammo comes from the monopoly rents that they extract from poor people; deprive them of those rents and you cut the supply lines in the war they wage on the public interest)

There's reforms coming to the Affordable Care Act: if one of these is a change to the rule that cities can only get federal health-care subsidies if their states permit it, then cities could opt-in to health care even when their gerrymandered GOP statehouses block it.

America has 50 governors, 435 Congressional districts, 100 senators and 9 Supreme Court justices.

America has 19,000 cities and towns and 3,100 counties. These local governments are far more accountable to the people than the larger political entities.

Officials in cities, towns and counties who deliver tangible improvements to their residents' quality of life will be rewarded with high approval ratings and re-election. The Trump years left the largest of these starved for friendly federal coordination and partnership.

Biden's cabinet already includes three prominent former mayors - Buttigieg, Walsh and Fudge - and the historically intractable task of directly coordinating with thousands of local governments is made far more reasonable thanks to digital technology.

History teaches that presidents can defeat America's antimajoritarian institutions by simply bypassing them.

When the pro-slavery Supreme Court struck down Lincoln's anti-slavery laws, he passed them again...and again...and again: "Let's see whose legitimacy tanks first."

Biden could write humane, sustainable equitable future on the country in indelible ink. He could also make permanent changes in the lives and expectations of people: increasing subsidies to local schools and wiping out student debt is a change that lasts for a generation.

As exciting as this is, it's not enough. The circumstances of rural life are range from bad to terrible, and they're only worsening. Saving the cities will save the vast majority of Americans, but it will still leave nearly 60,000,000 people in desperate circumstances.

This is unacceptable. Good governments look after all people, not just the ones it expects to win re-election from.

Working with local governments is a tactic, not a strategy - a way to erode corporate power and present alternatives.

It's the beginning, not the end.

Image: The Fifth Element/Luc Besson

[insomniziam]

Analysis of the PR Relationship between Liam and Maya

Okay, Liam and Maya made their relationship official in September 2019 through Liam’s Instagram post:

(notice how there are only two points of contact on his behalf, the two fingers on her waist and their foreheads. Doesn’t come off very relationship-y to me. I can’t say for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this were photo shopped) 

Conveniently, this news came to light a few days after the release of his new single at the time, Stack it Up (shocker, I know). And what did we get? The same thing that happened with Zigi:

Bringing attention to Liam’s new single and of course, the new up and coming model (sound familiar to you at all?)

Maya Henry

But who is Maya Henry? The first real news we ever get about her is due to her father spending a whopping 6 million dollars on her fifteenth birthday party back in 2016 (more on that later). But what does this prove? That her father is incredibly rich, and has no issues spending millions of dollars on a single night if it means getting his name in the papers. He hasn’t just done this with Maya, he spent another 4 million on his son’s 18th and another 4.5 million on his own 56th birthday, and both somehow made headlines (paid promo maybe?)

That’s not even the best part... They tried to do their own Kardashian style reality TV show but it flopped massively. 

(Literally the only place I could find it anywhere was dailymotion...)

They have a Facebook page, but most of the videos have been set to private on YouTube so you can’t watch pretty much anything on the page anyway. There’s probably on average 50 interactions per post (and that’s me being generous).

Maya started her own YouTube channel early 2018, but that didn’t gain any traction either (it’s currently sitting at 16K) and there are no videos on the page at all (I’m pretty sure she’s deleted them off, although I can’t find copies of them any where, probably because no one actually cared to download them).

I will admit, she was doing pretty decently before she was connected to Liam, had even done a few international covers for magazines like Elle Romania and Vogue Ukraine.

But Gigi had walked the New York Fashion runway at the age of 18, a feat Maya herself didn’t seem to be nearing. However, Gigi also has a lot of connections that no doubt helped her gain a following (her “friendship” with the Jenners, as well as her connections with Swift and her mean girl posse). 

(If ya’ll don’t see how this was a publicity stunt, I don’t know what to tell you)

But how does an increase of following help you career wise, isn’t about talent? You may ask, and I would have a hard time not chuckling at the question, because talent has nothing to do with it (Miss Gigi “I’m still learning how to cat walk” Hadid is a testament to that).

As for the answer, an increase in following leads to an increase of fans, which leads to an increased likelihood of more people buying the shit her name is attached to - makeup, accessories, clothing lines ect. - and increased viewership that have her (and her ‘best friends’) starring in. *cough* Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show *cough*. 

But one thing in particular that really stood out, was Gigi’s ‘relationship’ with one Zayn Malik... you see where this is going?

Why Liam?

Now, unlike Zayn, Liam didn’t really have any bad press he needed to distract the general public from. However, he pretty much only had three different talking points in interviews; ‘his son’, Cheryl and One Direction. Those three subjects no one really cared to listen to anymore, because it was the same bullshit over and over again. Enter new (but also extremely old) topic: a new girlfriend!

It gave the papers something new to talk about (although funnily enough, they would always end the article talking about Cheryl and her kid), someone Liam could use to promote himself a little more. So although the benefits were heavily leaning to her side, there still was something in it for Liam, and she had already been linked to him in the past, an easy set up.

Maya’s Age (this is where you’ll either feel really grossed out or extremely pissed, fair warning)

Now this is where shit gets hella shady. According to articles, Maya has been 19 since last year: 

Using the fact that Maya’s 15th birthday was in 2016 as according to this Daily Mail article detailing all the expenses and a little bit of quick math, it’s easy to see that she only turned 19 in February of this year.

Now, your eyebrows might be furrowed right now, and you may be asking why does her age matter?She’s still a legally consenting adult. However according to articles, Liam and Maya had actually met back in 2015 at a One Direction Meet and Greet:

Sound familiar at all?:

This shit has me feeling sick to my stomach (I did give you a fair warning) because this is the second time Liam has been linked in some way to what some could argue somewhat child grooming behaviour. Because not only did he meet her back in 2015, when she was actually 14 despite what the papers are trying to tell you she was 15, he apparently started dating her back in 2018, when she was 17 years old:

Realising their mistake, my guess is that Liam’s team tried their best to have her birthday changed a year earlier, so as to make people think they started dating when she was 18, to make their relationship more acceptable. But the damage had already been done, and when someone made a thread on their twitter pointing out this fact, some absolute idiot decided to use Liam’s twitter to try and discredit them:

Despite the fact that neither Liam or Maya were tagged in the thread, meaning that whoever was behind the keyboard would have had to go searching for it, especially since the thread probably only had a few hundred interactions before, they drew eyes to it. (The tinhat in me wants to believe that this was actually a smart move made by Liam to show people just how shady their relationship is, but I highly doubt that fact considering how creepy it makes him look 😒)

And, because people were smart enough to actually read through the thread, they weren’t buying what whoever was running the account at the time was selling:

It’s not a good look, but I guess any press is good press according to Liam’s team.

Conclusion

Maya and her family are crazy thirsty for attention. They tried to acquire that attention through spending millions of dollars on birthdays parties to gain headlines. Obviously not enough for them, they tried out their own reality TV show which somehow made it to season two before scrapping the whole thing entirely due to low ratings. Maya started a YouTube channel, it didn’t go as well as she hoped and then focused on Modelling full time. However she wasn’t climbing anywhere near as much as she would like, and since her father had no issues paying for celebrities in the past, probably had no issues with paying Liam’s team for him to play boyfriend, and try to recreate a Zigi situation.

Liam’s team saw this as an opportunity for a new subject to be brought up in interviews and headlines and decided to go for it. They fucked up with the age, tried to fix it and just made the situation worse, and hoped eventually everyone would just forget about it.

At least, that’s my best guess

[mycosylivingroom]

So. I want to move on with my journey list

Lets start with 2015. The years 2015 till now

Lots had happend there. I have studied law, yet it was hard study  with only a few tests, a few good grades, I didn’t finish the study.

i lost my father in 2017. 

In 2015 I had a internjob, my father found it, he thought if I would work one day in a week, I might find more motivation to keep the study going but the thing with studying at home with no online classes, its hard to keep the motivation also no one at the organisation, well the teachers wanted to help me, there was a forum yet they had rules on how to comunicate and no responces from teachers

In 2017 I had a relatioship, well based on friendship and we didn’t go as far as giving eachother a hug. the relationship lasted till 2021. I realised that he and I didn’t match.

In 2018 I had a work course, its from the UWV to see if I was able to work, it was in the cityhouse of the comunity of Schouwen-duiveland in the same province but I don’t live there, its in the wonderfull city of Zierikzee, its easy to acces, the same city I had my Havo degree.

In 2019 the course ended, no second contract, there was no work for there. So a month later I worked in the coutroom archive in the city of Middelburg, its 15 minutes with the bus and 15 minutes with the train. It was physical work with lots of box lifting, putting the files in the right box on the right date. It was fun work but my contract wasn’t extended, some weird reasons

In april 2020 right in covid land, I worked in the taxpayers organisation in the same city as the courtroom archive, I worked for the department small and big businesses. I did the administration, I did the easy part, looking up the information and asemble it and put it in a other system, and I had to find the information in other systems. I had my own laptop. But in november i was placed in Switch, its like a pool where you train the things that are hard, like phone calls and how to react to clients by mail. team switch was a nice team with nice work, but in order to work for the taxpayers organisation, you need math skills. They never told me in the job interview for the first team that I needed them but my team captain from switch told me I coudn;t shift to another department because of that. I understood because I noticed that this work wasn’t for me. My mathskils are awfull also I am not a star in reacting to clients trough phone or mail.

I had this contract for 1 year.

Now next year I will start as a desk worker in a music school.

these are my stories in a big line. You will hear more when I share music and when I post updates from my journey playlist which you might have seen earlier in the week

also I will turn 30 this tuesday. yep 30 years of me.

[addierose444]

Spring 2021: One Month Update

We are now just over a month into the spring semester. This is a bit strange as mid-march normally coincides with spring break. Well, normal just isn’t the norm right now and hasn’t been for a while. Like seriously, it has been a whole year since Smith sent us home last spring. Here is a blog post from a year ago about my final week on campus. That was a stressful time, but I was also so naïve about what was to come. In some ways, it’s hard to believe that a whole year has passed; at the same time, it has felt like an eternity. This post is primarily about my current courses and other life updates, but it also felt incomplete without acknowledging the passage of time. Last semester, I wrote a few update posts. I started them because I literally didn’t know what else to write about. However, I found them to be an effective post style that is worthwhile to continue using. 

There does finally seem to be a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Namely, I have received my first dose of the Moderna COVID vaccine! I was eligible thanks to my job in ResLife. I will be getting the second dose in two-weeks time. I feel very fortunate to be getting vaccinated so early. I’ll also be honest in saying that it was really stressful taking the bus to UMass and navigating through the vaccination center. Another exciting update is that I have secured a summer internship at Microsoft! You can read about my application process here. 

I am currently living on-campus in Parsons House. We are fortunately still operating in Green Mode which is our least restrictive operating mode. This still includes masks, social distancing, and testing three times a week. We are also still ordering most meals on the Grubhub app. However, there is now some limited seating in the dining halls and we have transitioned to using some reusable food containers. Furthermore, Chuckett (our name for Chase and Duckett) is open for true grab and go. The best part about going to Chuckett is that they have yogurt, ice cream, and snacks. Classes and house events continue to be primarily over Zoom so that we can practice social distancing and include those not living on campus. 

As for my classes, it’s been a very busy semester. I am in class less than in past semesters but have had more work outside of class. With that said, this is in part because one of my classes is asynchronous with synchronous labs. To check out all of my past courses, click here. 

PHY 210 has been more interesting than I expected. It’s not an easy class, but it hasn’t been the nightmare I was worried it would be. The class has so-called pre-class check-ins (PCCIs) which are short exercises due at the start of each class (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday). We still have a full homework set due each Wednesday, but I enjoy having the PCCIs as it’s more similar to the high school homework model (short more frequent assignments that don’t have to be 100% perfect). I now have a much better understanding of complex numbers and why they are useful. Other topics we have studied thus far include differential equations and the Taylor series (both topics were briefly introduced in past calculus classes). We have also been learning the basics of Mathematica and are currently studying integrals in two or more dimensions. Last semester in MTH 212, all of the exams could be taken over multiple days (unlimited time) so it’s not the easiest transition back to timed math exams. 

PHI 220 is a great complement to my four STEM classes. Specifically, it’s reading and discussion-based and doesn’t have problem sets! While there is absolutely value in courses unrelated to my majors, I really love learning concepts that come up in computer science but from a different perspective. Over the course of the semester, we have been working our way through Gödel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid. We have been learning about formal systems and been gaining an understanding of Gödel's incompleteness theorems. Later in the course, we will be delving into the study of Turing machines. Each class starts with five minutes of breathing and stretching. The first day I thought it was really weird, but have now gained an appreciation for it.  

EGR 220 has been my most time-consuming class, but I have also really enjoyed the course content. I am glad that I took PHY 118 last spring as it gave me a good primer for some of the circuit theories. This is particularly useful as circuits is a fast-paced course. Labs have been frustrating at times due to technical difficulties, but having a hands-on component definitely helps my understanding and makes things more engaging. As long as we stay in Green Mode, we will have a few small-group in-person labs! We have also had and will continue to have occasional full class in-person outdoor demonstrations. (All of my other classes have been and will continue to be fully remote). In terms of course content, we have learned about passive components like resistors, capacitors, and inductors and circuit analysis techniques like nodal analysis and mesh analysis.

CSC 250 has generally been enjoyable as I have an awesome professor. I don’t dislike the course material, but I definitely prefer programming and systems to theory. Also, theoretical computer science requires writing lots of proofs which is not my favorite. I am glad that I took discrete math (MTH 153) last semester as it introduced me to proof writing. MTH 153 an unenforced prerequisite of CSC 250, which I was originally going to take concurrently due to schedule conflicts. In the course, we have been learning about regular expressions, finite automata, context-free grammars, push-down automata, and most recently Turing machines. (See what I mean about the overlap with PHI 220!)

COMPSCI 230 is my UMass computer systems class. You can read more about Five College registration here. The course is asynchronous which has its advantages and disadvantages. It’s nice being able to self-schedule my coursework, but it’s strange not really interacting with my classmates. As the UMass semester started two weeks before Smith’s, I am just about halfway through the course which is honestly sort of crazy. In the course, we have learned about data representation, von Neumann Architecture, caches, and virtual memory. 

I am not taking guitar this semester and unfortunately have hardly played my guitar. Last year I had set a daily practice goal that I did a really good job of sticking to. That said, I regret having set that goal as it made playing feel more like a chore. The issue is that when the year ended I was justified in taking a few days off from playing. However, as I was really busying during Interterm it was just too easy to dive into my coursework and other responsibilities. Playing guitar is something that I love, so I am trying to incorporate it back into my life in the right way. You can read about my musical history here. Another music update, that’s really just for me to look back on is that my current favorite song is The Story (written by Phil Hanseroth and performed by Brandi Carlile). I have been listening to a lot of Brandi Carlile’s music over the past few days and absolutely love it. As for 2020 goals, like many people, mine weren’t the biggest success. I originally set out to write four original songs but only wrote two (one of which I had started in August of 2019). I was successful in my reading goal so that was at least one win. You can read about my 2020 in books here. 

[thatmomentwhen345]

Ok ummmmmmmmmmmmmm

These last two weeks have been very emotionally exhausting because of finals and what I’m about to tell you and I don’t really know how to sum it up so I guess you’re getting the same treatment as my Facebook (this is copied directly from the post on there and was posted on December 12th for context)

(This is the beginning of the Facebook post)

You guys, I don’t know what to do.

You might have gathered from my last few posts, but I’m not okay. And it will sound like such a stupid reason to the majority of you. But I made an irreversible mistake back in 2019 that has been haunting me for the past week. This is the first time that I can remember regretting a decision this much. Was it my stubbornness, my closed-mindedness? Was it my see-it-to-believe-it tendencies? Was it my inability to learn from my mistakes?

For those who don’t know, on November 13th of this year, the YouTube channel Unus Annus was deleted from the platform forever. After one year of daily videos by Markiplier and CrankGameplays, it was all gone. The point of the channel was to remind us to use our time that we have alive wisely, because Memento Mori. Remember that you must die.

The channel started on November 15th of 2019, and, well, I don’t know anything about their beginnings. I just saw their introduction video in my recommended or on trending or something and thought, “Is that Markiplier? Shouldn’t he be focusing on his own channel? Who’s this other guy?” and moved on without a second thought. I occasionally saw their videos in the trending tab but ignored them. I didn’t even know they had such a big following. I thought it looked stupid and didn’t think about it until, well, the end.

A few weeks ago, my brother was watching the final livestream that would mark the day that the channel was deleted for good. I was in the room with the livestream on the TV, watching their final hours tick by, still not thinking about the channel at all. Just like, oh hey that thing that people were talking about, wasn’t it like, a cult? I didn’t think about it at all until... the fifth of December? Was it really only a week ago? That feels like a lifetime away now...

The YouTuber FootofaFerret released a video called “Pretending Unus Annus Isn’t Over” and I saw it in my reccomended. https://youtu.be/8SMpCbI9U00 I was like, hey, yeah, I remember that thing that ended. I trusted Foafy’s judgement because of his previous videos about saying goodbye to Steven Universe. So I watched it and don’t really remember how it made me feel. I just remember him saying that the Unus Annus fandom was in mourning and I was like “aw poor guys I’ve seen on TikTok some people are sad about it”. Foafy also suggested that people who were wanting more of the Unus Annus vibe to watch Mark’s Markiplier Makes playlist. I watched some of them and, again, moved on.

The timeline is fuzzy from here on. I’m still processing it, honestly. I think I might have looked up the Unus Annus theme (Turncoat by Michael Rothery) first? Then I think I found some compilations or clips from their videos and was like wow this stuff is funny. And then I realized that there are archived versions of all of their videos (that’s against the rules of Unus Annus for those who don’t know) and... don’t hate me... went looking for them. I watched two in full. I won’t say which two but just know that the second one I specifically searched out because I knew that they did a lot of random stuff on there and that there was a chance that they would do it too. And they did! It was a funny video. I realized how much of a fun dynamic that Ethan and Mark had and looked for more compilations. The more I watched, the more I realized that I had made a terrible mistake in 2019.

I had missed out on so much. And I couldn’t take it back without breaking the rules. The concept of Unus Annus intrigued me so much, all of the people involved on the channel worked so well together, they were all so funny, but now I could never experience it in full because I was stubborn and, well, thinking about other things this year. I could have jumped in at any point between then and November 13th of this year but I chose not to.

Monday was a rollercoaster. 1st stage: denial. I was like well this doesn’t matter, I’m not even in the UA fandom, it’s gone and I don’t care. But it wasn’t that simple of course. I kept watching the Markiplier Makes videos and the UA compilations and became particularly interested in Ethan. He seemed very genuine and sensitive and his on-camera chemistry with Mark was really entertaining. 2nd stage: anger. I was furious at myself for missing out. Those two videos I watched in full were just small teasers for what the entire channel was like. I hated that I couldn’t take it back. And I hated that if I did, I would’ve broken the rules and gone against Mark and Ethan’s wishes, which I also wouldn’t be able to take back. I was horribly conflicted. 3rd stage: bargaining. I desperately went after any content surrounding Unus Annus that I could without breaking the rules, and was still considering watching the illegal archives. I haven’t watched any more of them in full, but sometimes I watch parts of them in incognito mode when it becomes too much to bear.

Tuesday was... Tuesday had to have been the longest day I’ve had the entire year. 4th stage: depression. It was slowly sinking in, the gravity of my mistake. I was starting to realize how much of a phenomenon Unus Annus was and that it was so unique and had such a cool message and that it made so many peoples’ 2020 just a little bit better, but not mine. I then did what I always do and found my comfort in music. I put on a bunch of good songs that I hadn’t heard in a while and just... sat there painstakingly doing my math homework. I couldn’t concentrate on anything the whole day. Monday, either. The song Goodbye to a World by Porter Robinson came on and I was like hey, this song perfectly suits the way I’m feeling right now. I wondered if anyone else had made connections between this song and Unus Annus and looked to see if there had been any AMVs (animated music videos) about the idea and the end of UA. Lo and behold, this popped up and I watched it! https://youtu.be/-q-oByQWdlM It hit all the right spots and I just started bawling. What had I done? Why had I missed this opportunity to improve my 2020, just a little bit? Why had I missed this opportunity to get to know Mark and Ethan better? Everyone who had watched all of their videos could feel peace after the end, like Mark and Ethan. But I couldn’t. I could only forever regret my mistake. MY mistake.

Terrible things have happened this year, but all of them have been out of my control. This, however, was my fault. And I can never take it back. And I am having a very hard time handling that.

I don't know how many times I cried on Tuesday. The next song to come on after I watched the AMV was As the World Caves In by Matt Maltese which of course broke me even further. This song also perfectly encapsulated my dilemma. Later I finished my tribute drawing of the channel logo and felt the smallest bit better. The rest of the day is a blur.

Wednesday was better, I guess? I thought I had made it to the 5th stage: acceptance. I was still very sad and mad at myself but I was starting to realize that there was nothing I could do. I subscribed to Ethan’s channel and started getting to know him better. He’s so sweet and talented ☺️

But no, acceptance is still far away. Thursday and Friday were barely better than Tuesday. I painted my nails black and white as a way of coping. I went to a livestream on Ethan’s Twitch and it was really fun! I started watching more of his streams and on one of them he mentioned that his Twitch chat mods had TikToks. So I wondered if he also had a TikTok, which he does! I looked to see if he posted one on the day UA ended. The answer was no but he did post one the day after asking if someone with the skills required could make a mashup of the song Cancer by My Chemical Romance and As the World Caves In. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJqgyrkR/ I was like wowie this guys got taste! And so I looked up if there was a mashup. As a matter of fact, there was one by Clem Turner on YouTube that came out only three days after the end of Unus Annus. https://youtu.be/a5RTVoreSAY I cannot express how much I love this, what it made me feel, and how much it hurt/helped. So I commented on Ethan’s TikTok about it and only a few hours later a new comment appeared on Clem’s video. Ethan had seen it! So I’m just gonna assume I was responsible for that... not only that but half of the comments on the mashup were about Unus Annus as you can see below. I realized how big of a following UA had and felt bad (because of course the people who had actually been with UA the whole way would be grieving a lot more than me), but also, comforted by the fact we could all connect over the loss of something important to them, if in a lot of different ways.

I’m far from getting over this. I’m far from being okay. I’ve never really felt like this before. I feel like a different person than I was last week. But I wanted to write all this down to let it out, process it a little bit, and maybe get some comfort from you guys. It’s completely understandable if you didn’t read this all the way through so...

TLDR: Memento Mori.

(This is the end of the Facebook post)

What I just described really shifted a lot of things in my head in a way I didn’t expect and in a very short amount of time. So, long story short, my Steven Universe hyperfixation ended very suddenly because of an outside factor and I probably won’t be posting a lot about it anymore. Hope you understand.

(art by me but I used the official UA logo as a reference)

[fyeahkarenchen]

Karen Chen could not help herself. Even while trying to narrow her focus only to the free skate she was about to do at the 2017 World Figure Skating Championships, the bigger picture distracted her 17-year-old mind.

As she came out for her warm-up with the leading six skaters after the short program, Chen, in her first senior worlds, glanced at the overall standings on the video board in Helsinki’s Hartwall Arena. The numbers showed that her veteran teammate, Ashley Wagner, then 25, competing in her seventh worlds after winning silver the year before, had a free skate result that left her in danger of losing ground from her seventh place after the short program.

That meant the United States was in danger of not having a third women’s spot at the 2018 PyeongChang Winter Olympics, which had happened at two other Olympics when countries earned entries, in 1994 and 2010.

It meant Chen, fifth after the short program, not only realized but also admitted knowing that in this individual sport, this performance wouldn’t be only about her.

That will also be true at the 2021 World Championships beginning Wednesday in Stockholm, where Chen and reigning U.S. women’s champion Bradie Tennell are trying to earn a third women’s entry for their country at the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing. Whether the denouement is as dramatic as in 2017 is yet to be seen.

“2017 seems so long ago, but at the same time, when I close my eyes, I can remember my exact feelings,” Chen said via telephone a day before leaving for Sweden Friday.

“I understood what the stakes were: three spots for the Olympic team. So I did feel pressure. At the end of the day, when I stepped onto the ice and then got into my opening pose, all that started to melt away because my focus had to be just on skating my absolute best.”

Then as now, this is the math, for both the next year’s worlds and, every fourth year, for an upcoming Olympics: the top two U.S. women in the standings needed final places that added up to 13 or fewer to get the third spot.

The third U.S. skater in 2017, Mariah Bell, was not a factor after a 12th in the short program and a 13th-place free skate that would leave her 12th. Wagner’s error-filled (and 10th-place) free skate meant that as Chen took the ice, she felt there was little room for error.

“I definitely did not make her job any easier,” Wagner said then.

Chen reeled off her first eight jumps with ease before struggling on the final two, one a fall. She recovered to finish with a characteristically brilliant layback spin.

That turned out to be more than good enough, especially after reigning bronze medalist Anna Pogorilaya of Russia imploded in the free skate. Chen finished fourth and Wagner seventh. Wagner later tweeted her thanks to Chen for “saving America.”

It also turned out, fittingly, that the spot Chen saved was the one she eventually earned for the 2018 Olympics, joining Tennell and Mirai Nagasu in South Korea.

“I have my ups and downs for sure,” Chen said. “But after that performance, I was genuinely surprised about how I handled that [pressure]. Looking back at it now, it gives me confidence that if I could do it then, it is definitely in me to do it again.”

Chen has not been back to worlds since 2017. After a disappointing 11th at the 2018 Olympics, she withdrew from the 2018 worlds with a foot injury and boot issues. She missed the entire 2019 season with a stress fracture, then enrolled at Cornell University in the fall of 2019 but left after the pandemic hit, finishing her first year remotely while moving to Colorado Springs to rejoin her longtime coach Tammy Gambill. Chen is on leave this academic year and next.

“Coming off the year with the stress fracture, I wasn’t sure where I was going with my career or my life,” Chen said. “Then I decided to tack on school, which made my post-Olympic challenges even more challenging.

“I realized last year how much skating meant to me. I can’t be skating forever, so I wanted to go for another two years to try to make the Olympic team again, then refocus on school.”

Chen, third at this year’s U.S. Championships, got the second spot for Sweden over runner-up Amber Glenn based on criteria that take into account results at events over two seasons. The U.S. women did not have a third worlds/Olympic spot from 2009 through 2013, regained it from 2014 through 2018, lost it for 2019 and 2020 and had no chance for 2021 because the pandemic cancelled the 2020 worlds.

Coincidentally, Tennell also relocated to Colorado Springs last spring to work with a different coach, Tom Zakrajsek. Chen said although she and Tennell are often asked separately about regaining the third spot, they have discussed it only briefly with each other.

“There is pressure but there is nothing we can do about it,” Chen says, “What we can control is how we perform and train leading up to worlds.”

Can they reclaim the third spot? Based on the hypothetical (and highly unlikely) case that the three Russian and three Japanese women all skate cleanly, even clean performances by Tennell and Chen may leave them seventh and eighth, although a flawless Tennell would presumably have a shot at fifth even in a flawless field.

Without quads or triple axels, the programs Tennell and Chen did at 2021 nationals have substantially lower potential technical base values in the free skate than the 2021 nationals programs of the top two Russians, senior worlds rookies Anna Shcherbakova and Alexandra Trusova, and the leading Japanese woman, Rika Kihira. The two U.S. women’s base values also are slightly below the potential numbers for the third Russian, Elizaveta Tuktamysheva, who struggled with a watered-down program at her nationals because she had been sidelined by COVID-19 a couple weeks earlier.

Tennell, who has been working on a triple axel, declined to say last week if it had become consistent enough to try it at worlds. She gave a sidelong answer to the question of whether she needed higher-value jumps to ever contend for a world or Olympic medal.

“I can only go out there and skate to the best of my ability, what I’m training every day,” Tennell said last week. “As long as I do that, I think I will be happy. What more can I ask of myself than my very best?

“If I’m so worried about what everybody else is doing, it’s not a good mental strategy for me. Of course, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a spot on that podium.”

A third Olympic spot, no matter how it comes about, would also be a worthy accomplishment.

[scatterpatter]

“I want to get into Kingdom Hearts, but where do I start?”

Uh oh sisters I’ve fallen into the fixation station, I wanna gush about KH so I’m gonna infodump about it! KH is confusing and there’s so much plot but it’s a really endearing series I promise

A few disclaimers if you wanna get into the series:

You can’t just play KH 1+2+3 and expect to understand everything, sadly. It’s not like Zelda where you can hop into any game at any point, you DO have to play most games if you want to understand the plot. That means that if you REALLY want to get into the KH fandom, you gotta put in a lot of hours. Of course you’re free to only play whatever you want, but if you wanna understand the plot you need to play all of them.

Even with all the games, the plot can be confusing. Nomura be like that. They ret-con a lot of plot points and give half-hearted explanations at times, you’re just gonna have to deal with that if you want to get into the series.

You WILL become emotionally attached to at least one character. Good luck making it through 358/2 Days without crying.

KH fans are usually p chill and are super eager to help make sense of the plot for you if you ask nicely. No seriously we’re THAT desperate to infodump. I once sat a friend down for 40 minutes explaining the Sora-Roxas-Xion-Namine-Kairi-Ventus-Vanitas situation. ... Also beware KH fans because of how desperate we are to infodump.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO HERE’S A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO PLAYING THE KH SERIES UNDER THE CUT

Okay so I’m gonna lay out all of the games in 2 lists: order they were released and order they take place in the timeline. These lists will also include remakes and platforms

Order in which games were released:

Kingdom Hearts(2002 - PS2)

Chain of Memories(2004 - GBA) | Re:Chain of Memories(2007 - PS2)

Kingdom Hearts 2(2005 - PS2)

Coded(2008 - mobile) | Re:Coded(2010 - DS)

358/2 Days(2009 - DS)

Birth By Sleep(2010 - PSP)

Dream Drop Distance(2012 - 3DS)

χ* (mobile) ... See my asterisk below for this one

0.2: Birth by Sleep – A Fragmentary Passage (Only included in 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue, The Story So Far, and All-In-One-Package[See Collections below for more details])

Kingdom Hearts 3(2019 - PS4+Xbox 1)

Melody of Memory(2020 - PS4+XBox 1+Switch)

Order in which games take place chronologically:

χ* (mobile) ... See my asterisk below for this one

Birth By Sleep(2010 - PSP)

0.2: Birth by Sleep – A Fragmentary Passage (Only included in 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue, The Story So Far, and All-In-One-Package[See Collections below for more details]) 

Kingdom Hearts(2002 - PS2)

Chain of Memories(2004 - GBA) | Re:Chain of Memories(2007 - PS2)

358/2 Days(2009 - DS)

Kingdom Hearts 2(2005 - PS2)

Coded(2008 - mobile) | Re:Coded(2010 - DS)

Dream Drop Distance(2012 - 3DS)

Kingdom Hearts 3(2019 - PS4+Xbox 1)

Melody of Memory(2020 - PS4+XBox 1+Switch) [I presume it takes place after 3, but it wasn’t released yet so I’m not 100% sure]

Note: Chain of Memories and 358/2 Days kinda take place at the same time, but 358/2 Days goes past where Chain of Memories ends to I put CoM first

*What’s going on with χ :

Kingdom Hearts χ is... complicated. Long story short, it’s χ, Unchained χ, Union χ, and Dark Road all in one? Kind of? I’ll let Wikipedia explain:

So... yeah. They’re kind of all in one. To be honest, KHUX is not necessary for understanding the KH plot, but is still fun for people who enjoy mobile games and want a bit more lore- esp for fans who like self inserts. The plot of KHUX is the player’s self-insert character dealing with everything leading up to and going through the Keyblade War, whereas Dark Road covers Xehanort’s origin story. Back Cover(a movie, not a game) is in the same bundles as 0.2: Birth by Sleep – A Fragmentary Passage, and covers the plot of the Union Leaders and Master of Masters leading up to the Keyblade War.

Don’t worry about it if you just want the plot, just watch the Back Cover movie and you’ll be fine <3

Collections:

Do you want to not have to buy like 10 games and like 5 different devices just to play the KH series? Have I got you covered! The following collections were released, each one containing more games than the last. Go with All-In-One if you want everything up to and including 3 

NOTE: some games are included as “Movies”. Rather than having a playable remake of the game, they play CG cutscenes of the game that explain the plot. Good if you just want the plot, but you’ll have to get the original game if you want the gameplay.

Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 Remix (2013 - PS3): Kingdom Hearts, Re:Chain of Memories, 358/2 Days[MOVIE]

Kingdom Hearts HD 2.5 Remix (2014 - PS3): Kingdom Hearts 2, Birth by Sleep, Re:Coded[MOVIE]

Kingdom Hearts HD 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue (2017 - PS4, 2020 - Xbox One): Dream Drop Distance, 0.2: Birth by Sleep – A Fragmentary Passage, χ Back Cover[MOVIE]

Repackaged collections AKA more bang for your buck: 

Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 + 2.5 Remix (2017 - PS4, 2020 - Xbox One): Everything in both 1.5 Remix and 2.5 Remix listed above

Kingdom Hearts: The Story So Far (2018 - PS4): Everything in 1.5 + 2.5 Remix AND all games listed in 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue

Kingdom Hearts: All-In-One-Package (2019 - PS4) Everything in The Story So Far AND KH3. Your entire KH plot before Melody of Memory is covered in this one

Videos:

“I can’t afford to get all of these things,” you cry in agony, “But I still want to understand the plot without just watching a summary video!” I feel you, I feel you. Well thank the youtuber gaming community, because every game has at least one compilation of every cutscene spliced together. The downside is you dont get to play the games, and you’ll miss some small things such as normal NPC dialogue that isn’t triggered by cutscenes alongside setting-centric context, but these are still your best friend if you want the full emotional weight and comprehension of the story. ... It’s also much faster to get through than watching or playing the entirety of the game. Length of each video is noted.

Kingdom Hearts (~4.5 hrs)

Chain of Memories (~3 hrs)

Kingdom Hearts 2 (~13 hrs)

Re:Coded[MOVIE] (~3 hrs)

358/2 Days[MOVIE] (~3 hrs)

Birth By Sleep (~6.5 hrs)

Dream Drop Distance (~5 hrs)

χ Back Cover[MOVIE] (~1 hr)

0.2: Birth by Sleep – A Fragmentary Passage (~1hr)

Kingdom Hearts 3 (~10 hrs) | Re:Mind DLC (~3 hrs)

(protip: when i was binging these i watched them on 1.5X speed to get through them much faster. They talk slow enough that you can usually absorb it fine. Srsly I binged everything up to KH3 and watched most of these on 1.5X speed- I did the math it took me ~29.5 hours to get through ~40.5 hours worth of content.)

In Conclusion:

pls play kingdom hearts i need more people to cry with thank u for ur time

[erika---k]

Translation of Pernille’s interview from Elfen Fußball-Magazin

Middle part translated by @nerdyduckprince, rest by me

Thanks to @fcb-sweden and her anon for providing the article.

In the article it sounds like they were not very publicly open about their relationship before the wc, which I am aware isn’t true! But that’s how the article goes...

Work hard, play harder

The best in the world?

Pernille Harder of Vfl Wolfsburg is the best player of the flyeralarm Women’s Bundesliga. Two years ago the British guardian even chose her as the top female footballer of the earth.

The Dane collects as many championships, cup wins and Torjägerkanonen (the Bundesliga’s award for the top scorer) as she wants and on the side she also became an ambassador  for the LGBT-community. But all of that isn’t enough for her yet.

You have to see special athletes live to see the whole spectrum of their qualities. Usain Bolts incredible endspeed, LeBron James’ superhuman physique or Roger Federer’s unreached precision just unfold in front of an observer actually in attendance.

It’s similar with Pernille Harder. Sure, you know her name, her statistics, her career path paved with awards. For an impressive proof of her special class, though, you don’t need numbers nor trophies, but just fifteen minutes on a draughty february evening under the floodlights of Sinsheim. In this quarter of an hour the exceptional scorer from Denmark and her Wolfsburgers dismember the up to now second in the standings with every trick in the football book and showed her whole repertory.

Gala at the summit

After 30 seconds she takes the ball, lets the opponent get of and shoots with her left. Corner. Not a minute later she takes the ball and shoots with her right inside. Made from one piece, brilliant.

She prepares the 0:1 in minute with a well measured cross, just little later she fails scarcely with her heel. As the capstone of her gala performance a goal like a painting follows. She takes the ball with the outside of her boot, then she gets on the ball in the penalty box, Luana Bühler from Hoffenheim sails out of the picture and the blonde from the North casually plays the ball through the legs of TSV-goalkeeper Leitig. 0:2, the summit is decided, world class confirmed - all in the compact format for the Tagesschau (main evening news) and without a single misplaced pass.

Demonstrations like these aren’t a rarity for Pernille Harder. She works in the attack vertex of Wolfsburg as the “free radical”, as the one to show the room behind striker Ewa Pajor. Her equally excellent use of both feet, her excellent eye and her extraordinary technique allow her to make a difference almost everywhere on the pitch and to maraud between the opponents' defense lines. 

“It’s very important to me that people can be true to whom they fall in love with.”

“I’m most comfortable in the creative role of the offensive midfield. Of course I want to score, but I also want to shape the game and put my teammates in the limelight”, Harder emphasizes, who downright studies other distinguished players, of both genders. “From Cristiano Ronaldo I mainly analyse his running in the box. But I also look at midfield strategists like Iniesta or Xavi, to learn more about game organisation.” If you need to find a comparison in the men’s football, you might think of Dennis Bergkamp. Harder shares more than the hair colour with the delicate Dutch, for example an enormous playing intelligence and a world class format with and without the ball.

Considering her more multifunctional position away from the classical front striker it’s all the more surprising, that Europe’s footballer of the year 2018 criticizes herself so often. In front of the opponents’ goal Harder stays nordic-cool and uses her chances. After she scored 92 times in 100 games 

In 100 games for Wolfsburg she has scored 92 times, in an interview she says, I would rather have had 100 goals. A joke, of course, but with a bit of truth. “I am never satisfied, i am a perfectionist.” Already at 10 wrote the daughter of a soccer coach in an essay at school that she would want to become the best player in the world. From her point of view she has this goal is far from being achieved, even if the Guardian has named her as this in 2018. “more important than a one-time award is it, to hold this level over several years.”

For this  Harder works very hard, since ten years with a mental coach. Even for her career she has a stringent plan, the plan fits for her preference for math and physics. In 2012 she went from her home country to Linköping in Sweden, four years later she goes to the top club VFL Wolfsburg. “After school I want to go to a Scandinavian country as an intermediate step. After that I was ready to go to a German top club, it was a dream of mine.”

In contrast, her private life did not develop according to plan. In Linköping she fell in love with her teammade Magdalena Eriksson. At the first time only family and friends knew about their relationship. Later with a picture of them kissing at the World Cup in 2019, where Magda represented Sweden and Harder was in the stands to support her, because Denmark did not qualify, the public coming out happend. 

A kiss as coming-out

“The picture is from a spontaneous moment and we were surprised by the attention. The reaction was the mostly positive, many wrote to us that we give them hope to stand for what they are. And then we realized that we have a platform to speak.” Now we engage in Juan Mata's Common Goal, we give 1% of our salary. “For me it's important that all people can be open with their life and their love. I would love that this would be also by the men’s, that a active player would coming out, for sure it has gay players. The culture in men’s football is still outdated and the response would be different.”

Also in football Hader and Eriksson complete each other perfectly. “We both love to talk about Football. And it is perfect that I am a striker and she is a defender, she can tell me what is difficult for her about a striker and I can give her advice on what is suitable to keep attackers in check and annoy them.

To the question if she would like to play in the same club with her girlfriend again instead of discussing their achievements via Facetime Harder answers professionally evasively. “Sure it would be nice, but only if it makes sense for us football-wise. None of us wants to cut down or choose the second best situation just so we can be together.”

No million-dollar-baby for now

This diplomatic answer doesn’t surprise, since this wish might have come true sooner than Harder’s contract at Wolfsburg, that runs until summer 2021, provided for. Allegedly it contained a release clause that, that until the end of March would have made it possible for the FC Chelsae to lure Danmark’s record scorer to the Themse by paying a middle high six figure fee. And at the high end club from the west of London that regularly belongs to the candidates for the Champions League as well as the English league and with the signing of the Ex-Bayern captain Melanie Leupolz just poached in Germany again… Who is also employed there with a decent salary? Exactly, Magdalena Eriksson. Manchester United, that is said to also be interested and whose men’s team Harder admired already as a teenager, seems to just be an outsider in the fight for her services. It probably were the turmoils from the Corona virus that prevented one of the British big clubs from picking up the Dane now already and would have made her the most expensive female player of all times. The joined search of a new club by the power couple Harder/Eriksson is that way assumingly postponed to the summer 2021.

“I’m never content, a real perfectionist.”

So the fans of the Vfl Wolfsburg can probably look forward to a new season with their superstar. But also football enthusiasts, who don’t cheer for the Lower Saxons can just be advised to use the perhaps last chances to admire Pernille Harder at a German stadium. Because the best of the world have to be experienced live.

[the-archlich]

. . .

I haven't posted much about Overwatch League in a while because no one cares. This isn't about esports, though. This is about an extraordinary personal narrative that anyone who loves a good story should be able to enjoy. One with so much dramatic tension it makes my bones tingle. The protagonist: Eui-Seok "Fearless" Lee.

Our story begins in 2017, before the Overwatch League is a thing. Tournaments are relatively small outside of Korea, with teams cobbled together from whoever can be found. In this environment, one team emerged as exceptionally strong, with Fearless at the head.

We move to 2018, halfway through the inaugural Overwatch League season. The Shanghai Dragons are 0-20, having lost Every. Single. Match. The org scrambles to right the ship while there’s still time. They look desperately for someone who can save them. They turn to Fearless. He gets signed, but due to visa issues he can’t make it to the US until 75% of the season is over. By the time he gets there, it’s too late to change the team’s culture of defeat. They finish the season with an astonishing 0-40. This makes them arguably the worst professional sports team (esports or otherwise) in the world.

Fearless stays on.

For the 2019 season, the team makes huge moves. He’s one of only 3 players out of 12 who remains with the team. They sign a roster consisting mostly of teams who were just the runners-up in the Korean minor league championship. Some of the brightest rising stars in the business. Everything looks set for a redemption arc. And then, mere days before the start of the season, Fearless becomes extremely ill. He has to return to Korea for medical care. The season starts without him. He’s replaced. That year Shanghai breaks their winless curse and goes on to have a relatively successful season, even winning one of the inter-season championships by knocking out the top 3 teams in a row. It’s an exceptional story; one that Fearless didn’t get to be a part of.

That did not stop him.

Once he was well enough, he was transferred to Shanghai’s minor league team, playing in China. This was a team almost as unsuccessful as their parent organization. Through a monumental effort, Fearless carries them to the regional playoffs almost singlehanded. Victory just barely slips through their grasp and the end the season in 2nd place, after losing the regional final in an unfortunate 1-4.

But Fearless proved himself and in 2020 he was signed back onto the main Shanghai roster. He had to split time with another player in the same position. But again and again, Fearless proved himself superior. As the tip of the spear, he led Shanghai to an extraordinary season. COVID doesn’t make him miss a step. Shanghai ends the regular season as the #1 team in the world, with a staggering 27-2 record. During the playoffs, they end up falling at the end, finishing in 3rd place. This would be enough for almost anyone else, but Fearless’s story wasn’t done yet.

The Dallas Fuel has struggled almost as much as the Shanghai Dragons. Despite signing some of the biggest pre-OWL stars in the 1st season they ended it in the bottom 4, barely above Shanghai. The end the season in 10th place (out of 12). Season 2 isn’t much better, ending in 15th (out of 20); Season 3 sees them in 13th (of 20). Major changes are needed. So major changes are made.

Remember the team Fearless played with before all of this began? Over the next couple years the other members were signed on to different Overwatch League teams. They were scattered all over the globe, having different experiences, learning different playstyles, and learning a lot of English swearing. Dallas, with the kind of deep pockets you only have if you’re funded by Big Oil, pays through the nose to reassemble the old squad, under their original coach. After 4 years of ups and downs, Fearless is reunited with his old friends. For once, Dallas really looks poised to make an impact.

And then once again, days before the start of the season, a player has to resign due to health problems. Not Fearless this time, but a specialist on the team. No one else plays the characters he does. There’s really no way to fill that hole. And no time to hire someone new, Dallas has to go on with it anyway. They lose their first game narrowly in a 3-2 against local rival the Houston Outlaws. It’s as bitter as defeats can get. They win their 2nd match but get creamed the 3rd. They win the 4th handedly but it’s against arguably the weakest team in the region. Mixed results. These 4 games are qualifiers for a tournament and they barely slid through thanks to some math in their favor after several other teams went 2-2.

But Dallas is in the tournament. The way ahead is terrifying. First they have to overcome the San Fransisco Shock, the championship team from 2019 and 2020. And if they somehow survive that, Dallas has to head to a rematch against their bitter rivals, the 4-0 Houston Outlaws. If by some miracle they win both, they make it to the tournament finals, playing against 3 other teams for the prize.

Everyone thinks that the Dallas match is just a formality before the Shock fight he Outlaws. Fearless has had enough of that. Leading the way as always, he absolutely demolishes the Shock, despite his counterpart on that team being regarded by many as the best in the world at their mutual position. The rematch against Houston begins. Once again, Fearless destroys everything in his path; despite his opposite number being an early candidate contender for rookie-of-the-year. Now, Gina and I are Outlaws fans (after Philly, obviously) so we were pretty bitter at that point, but the strength of this narrative won me over.

From the 12 teams in the western region, Dallas and Florida advance (after Florida wins a frustrating victory over the otherwise undefeated Philadelphia Fusion). In the Eastern region, the top 2 of 8 also advance. One is the Chengdu Hunters, a team that was previously sort of the beloved clown of the Overwatch League. They’re serious this year, emerging as the only undefeated team in Asia.

The other is the Shanghai Dragons.

COVID means that competition between east and west is hard. But there’s a solution: the University of Hawaii. A fiberoptic cable along the floor of the Pacific Ocean connects the University of Hawaii to servers in Tokyo. Dallas and Florida fly to Hawiai to play from the university. Chengdu and Shanghai connect to the servers in Tokyo. A brand new “minimum latency” tool is used to increase ping for the eastern teams so that it’s equal with the western ones in Hawaii, about 50 ms. Now lag isn’t an issue. The playing field is even and the two regions can battle it out in this tournament to see who wins.

With a first-to-3 victory condition, Shanghai narrowly beats Florida in an incredible 6 map series. I saw the whole thing and the two were within a hair of each other the whole time. Truly extraordinary. Dallas has to go up against the undefeated Chengdu Hunters. Dallas does what they did to other undefeated teams and beats them handedly in a 3-1 series. Now both Florida and Chengdu are in the redemption bracket, with a chance to rise from the grave and still claim victory.

This means that the fight everyone wanted to see comes to pass. Fearless and Dallas face off against his old team, the powerful Shanghai Dragons. What followed was somehow just as good as the Florida matchup. It’s first to 3. Dallas wins the 1st map. Shanghai grinds them to a draw in the 2nd. Then Shanghai takes the 3rd. Dallas narrowly scrapes out a win in the 4th. Shanghai crushes them in the 5th. So once again, it comes down to the 6th map in a first-to-3 series. Not only that, this is the 6rd time in a row Shanghai played 6 maps in a first-to-3. They won the last two.

Not this time.

Putting in an extraordinary effort, Dallas pulls it off. And I cannot stress enough, 70% of their success was due to Fearless being absolutely relentless. He looked like the most dominating individual in his position the game has ever seen. Already an MVP candidate only 25% of the way through the season. Any other time that would be the climax. But this story isn’t over. This story is too good to end there.

Florida beats Chengdu, weathering the weird magic the team has always possessed that occasionally lets them slay giants. They have their rematch against Shanghai, with the stakes incredibly high. Loser goes home. The winner goes on to face Dallas for the crown. Hungrier for victory than they’ve been since 2018, Shanghai obliterates Florida in a quick 3-0.

In a little less than 3 hours, Shanghai will play the rematch with Dallas. Fearless will once again face his old team, including his replacement, a highly respected player who goes by the extremely fitting name of Fate. Can Fearless do it again, leading his old friends to victory over his old team? Giving Dallas the redemption they never achieved, the same redemption he gave Shanghai last year? Or will he fall once again, after all of this?

There are 3 more tournaments like this in the season (not including the finals). Maybe this story will somehow become even more dramatic over the course of those. Impossible to say. But tonight, this year’s protagonist goes up against his final boss.

This is truly as good and dramatic a story as you could hope for. Whether this is an incredible personal triumph for Fearless or a heart-rending tragedy, it’s going to be one of those things that you never forget.