#the last few days i’ve generally just felt?? very negative towards myself or down

[tvrningout-archived]

i just wanted to pop in and make sure people know i’m not ignoring them or going inactive! i’ve honestly just been busy and having a hard time with my emotional state. it isn’t anything anyone’s done to me! it’s just my brain being a bad brain as it likes to do every so often. it’ll clear up before long and then i’ll be back to rambling about my silly little oc’s and how they dress or what they like to eat in the morning uvu

till then!! pls be well and know i care all of you very much 💜

[roseyful]

Mars Red: Edge of the Nightmare - Review

Now, my Tumblr has been a bit quiet lately (been queuing a lot of things so then it wasn’t too quiet during my absence), but it has been for a good reason; last month I was approached [on my private twitter account] and asked if I would be able to playtest a game and write a review, and of course, being someone that enjoys games, especially those that follow an otome style, I had to say YES.

So its proud to say that after a while of playing the game, I finally get to write this review.

Now before I get into the game itself, I would like to take the moment to give appreciation to the team for being so helpful during my time of playtesting the game and before that, as not only would they let us know when there was an issue and the date had to be pushed back, they were so polite and helpful whenever I would run into a problem. That’s something you’d want to see in a gaming company and I’m so glad that my first experience with this company is one with positive results. I personally found no issues with the team themselves, and I do hope they keep this up after the release. Thank you favary for being so lovely and patient with me, and other beta testers.

Mars Red: Edge of The Nightmare was the game that they asked for me to play, however when I originally looked at their website, I couldn’t help but notice that the concept was originally one of a ‘Sound Theatre’, and while I couldn’t figure out what that was, I eventually was lead down a rabbit hole and ended up looking at the other things that Bun-O Fujisawa has worked in. Very interesting stuff, just like the game. However, it’s best to look at his other stuff in your own time.

Please note: I will be keeping this spoiler-free for the sake of letting people go in with no idea of what’s going on besides what I mention and on the website.

Story

The game is set in the early twentieth century in Japan, or better known as the Taisho, in which the website also says ‘[is] influenced by Romanticism’, in which vampires rule the night, as they could only feed off blood and those that stepped into the sun would surely die. Keen senses, incredible physical abilities, and yet they were still vulnerable. You see that very early on with the main character that we play as; Yutsufusa Yuki, a vampire whom became one against his will.

I will be honest, I did not like Yutsufusa when I first started playing, as I felt like he was a bit too willing to die, but that is something that you can overlook when you get further into the story. Yutsufusa is obviously one of the youngest in the group, due to the fact he wears the more ‘modern’ [at the time] clothing out of everyone, well, there is someone else who wears similar clothing but he’s human.

You control Yutsufusa throughout the game, influencing his voices and living his life through his eyes, him acting as the reader insert as you learn about the other characters and begin to grow a bond with them. While the story is a bit slow at first, it does start picking up around the middle-end of chapter 1 and the beginning of chapter 2 after you play the prologue, as you begin to assist “Code Zero” in their work to rid the world of vampires that wish to feast on humans..

Be mindful that there is an anime, however, Yutsufusa does not appear in it, as it focuses on the other main characters, so if you have watched the anime already be sure to remember that they’re either two separate timelines or different points in time. I do not want to confuse anyone with this.

The main cast is quite an interesting bunch, as it covers a wide range of personalities, and sometimes even time periods as you play through the game and unlock things; you might say you might learn a bit of history from it if you end up looking up some of the references I’ve found in the game. This is a great reflection on the idea of ‘immortality, and even has moments where said immortality leans into a few jokes (such as knowledge of birds).

If you’ve played games such as ‘Ikemen Revolution’, you may be familiar with the ticket system. Every day you’re allowed a certain amount of tickets to progress through the story, however, if you run out of tickets and you must read more, then you’re able to progress the story via using ‘amber’, the game’s currency that you can use for different functions. However, this is not needed, as every day your tickets will be replenished. I personally found myself not even needing to use my amber, as I would always wait for the next day. There are mini-stories that you can get if you finish a chapter within a certain amount of time, but I personally don’t find them to progress the story a lot after I read the first one I got. Then again I had other things to occupy my time while I wanted as well. If you wish to reread chapters, you get a bonus third option of currency; coins. Coins can be used to reread chapters in the place of amber or tickets, which means that you can grind out coins via the exploration option in order to see more options (looked at a bit later).

I personally found the story to be engaging, between the use of minigames (or investigations, covered a bit later), it broke up the reading with fun activities that progressed the story.

Is the game an Otome?

No! I was shocked as well when I saw the all-male cast since I was wondering if I was playing a boys love game, but in the end, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that this is actually a detective game. While it may carry the usual look of an otome, with the story and choices of how you speak influencing the endings of chapters, the game more feels like one of finding new friends and solving kick-ass investigations than finding romance. It’s refreshing.

This is especially true between the minigames in which helps influence the story that is all very unique in their own way and do not seem repetitive once you get into the flow of how they work.

Minigames

The minigames come forward in two forms; investigation, interrogation, and infer. Investigation sounds exactly how you’d expect, as you have to poke around and look at things, which you can review in a little notebook that sits in the top right of your screen in the case you need to review what you’ve looked at. When I was first launched into this section for the first time, I had a little trouble remembering exactly what I needed to look at (as I was given a set of things to tap), however, I do have to thank the team for thinking ahead and adding the option to be able to watch ads in order to see what you need to do. This was one of the two times I’d have to watch ads, as they don’t shove them in your face every few seconds like most mobile games do which is rather nice. Sometimes you gain information or items that you have to use later, so it’s a good idea to keep track of what you look at.

Interrogation acts as a question-based information gathering, in which you talk to NPCs in order to gather information to use in the investigation. Like Investigation, these points are put into your notebook for later.

Infer takes the first two investigation segments and combines the information, as you now get interrogated by one of the main characters, and you must respond back with the proper information in order to make sure that this segment is successful. You are able to read back on the notes from the other segments at this point by pressing the button with the book icon in the upper right corner, as this aids you in selecting the right answers. When I first came to this section, I did feel under pressure due to it, but it was interesting to see the negative answers from the character if I got it wrong.

Exploration is another part of the game, that while outside the story, there are parts that require a certain amount of story points in order to clear ‘point blocks’. This is where you get the coins from and frankly is good to use once you have finished using all your tickets for the day and want to use the rest of the time to grind coins. During the exploration, you set up 2 characters, a place, and a set [in real life] time of how long you want them to be out and about. Depending on the number of points earned, you may earn something called a ‘mummer’, which reveals more about the characters you chose to send out, and even get dialogue of the characters interactions (which can be pretty funny in itself) that shows the dynamic of the two characters- are they friends? Are things tense? You get to learn more by sending them out together.

Artstyle

As an artist, I was incredibly pleased with the art of the game, as the characters do not look the game, there are different body types and ages (from teen to elder), you never had to look at the same face twice for two characters. I will be honest, I do wish the characters were a bit more ‘animated’ with their expressions (such as body movement when they’re feeling certain emotions), however other than that, the sprites are magnificent.

The backgrounds are also really interesting to look at and even tell so much story before you even start investigating within the investigation sections. The design team also needs props, because while a few characters are wearing similar outfits, they’re all wearing them in different ways which shows their character and even the way they probably fight. Though I will say I am a bit biased towards Takeuchi, then again, I really enjoy fun and loud characters in general, and his hair is interesting in a sea of mostly black, purple, silver or blonde hair. Maybe will make a fanart of him in the future if I learn to draw his eyepiece. (on that note, please release the full sprites for us artists to reference, we’d love you eternally for it haha).

Oh no, it’s a-

Yes, its a bit of a gacha game, however, you do not need to actually play the gachas in order to progress through the game; it mostly just unlocks bits of story for those that want to have extra stories, or just want that extra dose of dopamine (haha, me). As someone who plays gacha games ever since they turned 13, I was glad that this game isn’t actually gacha centric, and thus is very free-to-play friendly due to this.

Who would I recommend this for and would I recommend it myself?

Personally, I think this is a game that suits the niche of those that enjoy a good mystery and even play those ‘find an item’ games, mixed in with those that enjoy reading otomes and history. Maybe even someone that enjoys theatre since there’s a character that does theatre. Would I personally recommend it? Yes, I would. The game is very interesting and engaging, the staff behind the game are so lovely.

Once more, here’s the game’s website link ❤️: https://marsred-game.net/en/

[jalapeno-princess]

Broken-Hearted Girl

Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Angst with a happy ending

Word Count: 8.7K

Summary: After a petty argument escalates into Mark saying some things he didn’t mean, the two of you end up breaking up on your third anniversary. For the rest of the week, you find solace in your family and you learn how to live with a broken heart.

A/N: I don’t even remember how I stumbled upon this song but after listening to and falling in love with one of their other songs “Friend’s Don’t” by Maddie and Tae, I already knew I was going to like this one also. I recommend you listen to it while reading this imagine, the song really does tug on your heartstrings. I’ve been extremely busy for the last few weeks and so I wanted to put a hold on writing (even if just for a few days) but I’ve actually been staying up till the wee hours of the morning (I feel as if I might have insomnia but who knows) and I actually had a really bad mental breakdown earlier, so I needed something to help calm me down and take my mind off of my negative thoughts. Writing is my favorite escape from how cruel this world can be sometimes (although, my writing is literal shit haha) (and i really don’t care for how I ended this and I’m actually kind of unimpressed with this story) but I hope you guys enjoy it! (I have never been in a relationship before so I haven’t experienced the pain of a heartbreak (and I’m sure knowing my sensitive ass I would actually die)

Hey, mama, how do you get a red-wine stain Out of your favorite dress? Black mascara off a pillow case Cure a one-too-many headache Mama, can I come and maybe stay a few days? This weekend or next And hey, how do you get a red-wine stain Out of your favorite dress?

How does he sleep at night? Mama, the nerve of this guy To leave me so easy Am I gonna be alright? I wanna kick myself for fallin' so hard Mama, can you die from a broken heart?

This was not how tonight was supposed to end. Usually, anniversaries were meant to be extremely romantic. They were meant to celebrate the amount of time you’ve been in a relationship with your significant other and to relish in the love that you had for one another; yet here you were, storming out of your boyfriend—well, now ex-boyfriend’s truck towards your apartment with tears streaming down your face. 

You were too focused on getting inside and just collapsing to the ground that you couldn’t even remember how the night ended so terribly. Just a few hours ago, Mark picked you up with the intentions on surprising you for your third anniversary together. 

The two of you practically couldn’t even keep your eyes, let alone your hands off of each other to the point where Mark was just going to say fuck it and show you just how much he loved you and how happy he was to be able to call you the love of his life with his head between your thighs. However, things didn’t go as planned. 

In fact, you had a hard time processing that he told you he planned on spending the rest of his life with you just a few moments before the argument broke out. As soon as you unlocked the door and stumbled inside, you immediately sank to your knees and let out the most heartbreaking cry you didn’t think you were capable of. Not once in your life did you ever cry as much as you were right now. 

Sure, you’ve lost a few loved ones, failed a couple of very important tests here and there and sometimes you and Mark would watch some of the saddest movies every now and then but nothing ever hurt you as much as Mark’s last words did. 

My life would’ve been so much easier if you weren’t in it. 

Each word felt like a stab in your gut. At the time, you knew you said some things that you didn’t mean and that you were sure had a negative effect on him; but nothing you said was even half as bad as hearing him practically say he regrets your entire relationship. 

It made you overthink the last three years of being with him. Mark was in more or less words, the perfect boyfriend. He was quite the gentleman; he always held doors open for you, pushed you on the inside whenever you’d be walking on sidewalks, pulled out chairs for you, always asked how your day was going and if you were eating all your meals on time. 

He knew your coffee order by heart, he’d buy you cute little things he would see that he thought you would like and he even made you a few playlists of songs that reminded him of you. He took care of you as if you were the most delicate little dandelion; but that didn’t mean he wasn’t rough or dominant behind closed doors. 

Mark knew you like the back of his hand. Three years would do that to someone; he knew each and every mole, freckle, beauty and birthmark on your body. He was well aware of the scar on your knee that was shaped like Texas and how you got it from playing football with your cousins. If perfect was a person, it would be him. 

Everyone who knew of him wanted to be his friend. Mark was a social butterfly; he had a tendency to be friendly and kind to whoever he encountered. His golden heart, extremely kind and generous personality was got you to fall in love with him; on top of his indescribable good looks and charismatic charm. After knowing each other for over seven years, you’ve grown accustomed to having Mark in your life. 

Even before the two of you started dating, he was there for almost every milestone in your life. He was there when you got accepted in to the college of your dreams, he was there when you got an internship with a company you’ve been wanting for a long time, he was there for your first time getting drunk at the young age of 16 and he was the one to rub your back as you threw up the following morning. 

With that being said, he was also there during some of the darkest times in your life. When your grandmother passed away from cancer, it felt as if your entire world fell apart. She was your best friend and you were completely devastated as soon as your mom called you and told you the news of her passing. Mark was at baseball practice around the time that you were heading to the hospital, but once he heard of what happened, he wasted no time in making his way to where you were and pulled you in to his chest the moment his eyes landed on your frail figure. 

It took months of grieving, crying over her absence and Mark constantly whispering sweet words of comfort for you to come to terms with her death and you were entirely grateful that you had someone so patient and understanding as Mark was to be there for you during such a traumatic time. What was going to happen now when he was the reason why you were so distraught? 

Losing your grandmother was extremely painful and even after all these years, you weren’t completely over her death. However, knowing that man you loved more than life itself no longer wanted anything to do with you was a different kind of pain. Although there were a few times in your relationship that you and Mark would disagree, not once did a fight escalate this badly before. 

Your relationship was one that everyone around you seemed to envy. Everyone and their mothers knew just how much Mark loved you and it was obvious by your words and actions that you felt the exact same way. His mom always used to tell you that your love was one for the ages; you both cared for one another in ways that only people who were genuinely in love could experience. For two people who’ve been in a relationship for as long as you and Mark have, you were still in the so called “honeymoon stage” where you constantly had to be around each other even if all you did was laze around all day doing nearly nothing. 

Just being in his presence always made you feel so at ease; so serene. Home wasn’t necessarily a place you lived in or just a roof above your head. Home wasn’t just a place that gave you shelter; home was where you felt the safest, the most comfortable and home was where you were happiest. For the last seven years, Mark Tuan was your home and now, you were homeless. You always felt so protected and loved whenever you were around him and you hated every moment spent away from him. 

The more time you spent crying on the floor, the more you came to the realization that tonight’s events actually happened and Mark was no longer your person. Although neither of you actually called it quits, you knew by the tone of his voice and in his facial expression that it was over. Even if he were to come back to you within the week begging you for forgiveness, you don’t think you could ever forget how his words screwed you up mentally and physically. 

When you decided that you had cried all the tears you had in your body and that you were wasting your time crying over someone who couldn’t give less of a shit about you, you got up from your spot right in front of the door and slowly sauntered off in to the kitchen. Anyone who knew you were aware of the fact that you hated alcohol. 

You weren’t a heavy drinker, and you were sure it’s because you spent your teenage years getting high and wasted to the point where it was no longer fun to do now that it was legal. The bottle of red wine that was in the back of your cupboard was a gift from Mark’s friend Jackson for your birthday a couple of months ago and you didn’t want to seem rude by not accepting it since you didn’t care for red wine or just wine in general. 

But now, you were extremely grateful for his choice in gifts and you made it your responsibility to finish the entire bottle in one sitting before you went to sleep. That’s if you could even find it in yourself to even go to bed. Your mind was filled with thoughts of Mark and what he was doing right now; if he regretted what he said, if he knew you were currently suffering and beating yourself up about the argument. 

How could the two of you go from being seconds away to ripping each other’s clothes off, to you drinking imported red wine straight from the bottle to take your mind off of your broken heart? As you continued to drink the wine, it was in that moment of sitting on your kitchen floor and banging your head on your refrigerator that you noticed your front door had a dent in it. You wouldn’t be surprised if you were to go up to it and see that you broke it by how hard you slammed it out of anger, but at this point you didn’t even care. 

Your mind, your heart and your body were so numb that nothing else seemed to matter and if anything, the door represented your mental state and your relationship. Seeing as how you were the definition of a light weight, it didn’t take you long to completely knock out on the hard tile. Although that last sentence continued to replay over and over; taunting you as a painful reminder that you were living your actual nightmare, it was the fact that he gave up on you so easily as if you meant nothing to him that really killed you. 

Was he planning to breakup with you and used this argument to actually go along with it? How long ago did he decide he no longer wanted to be with you? Everything seemed to be going so good for the two of you; so when did he decide he had enough of your relationship? You weren’t surprised when you woke up the next morning with an extremely painful migraine and a crook in your neck. 

This is why you despised any type of alcohol and never understood why Mark and his friends constantly went out to bars whenever they hung out. However, you felt as if this was going to be your way to ease the pain and knowing that alone made you want to cry again. After taking a few moments to process what you were going to do for the rest of the day, you got up to take some pain killers and to look at your current state to see how much of a mess you probably were. 

Almost half an hour later, you found the strength to get up and walked to your bathroom. Your head was throbbing and your bones ached from sleeping on the floor, but nothing hurt even half as much as your heart did. As soon as you saw your reflection, you didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. You looked horrible. Your hair looked like a bird’s nest; tangled and all over the place. You had mascara stained on your cheeks, your eyes were puffy and if you weren’t so numb, you would’ve screamed at the wine stain in the dress you were wearing; your favorite dress to be exact. 

Mark bought you that dress a couple of months ago because he knew it would look good on you and he was right. The first time you wore it, it didn’t stay on for too long. It was your favorite dress for many reasons; not only did your boyfriend buy it for you, but as someone who was extremely insecure with her body, no matter how many times Mark would make it known how much he loved your body and thought you were the most beautiful and sexiest woman to exist, the dress made you feel beautiful. 

You wore this dress with so much confident but now, it was stained with a deep maroon color right around the chest area and it was a brief representation of the hell you were going through. Like the fool that you were, the fool who was madly in love with the person you wished you could hate right now, you checked your phone to see if he tried to get in touch with you at all and you felt your stomach sink when you saw nothing. 

No texts, no calls, no voicemails, no “I’m sorry, I made a mistake”, no “I love you” or “I miss you.” Couples went through breakups all the time so why did you feel pathetic for something you weren’t at fault for? The rest of the week felt like you were dreaming the same nightmare over and over again. You could still see the anger and rage in his eyes when he told you that you were annoying and that he wasted his night with you when he could’ve gone out with his friends. You were sure there was a chance he was with them right now and you didn’t care at all. 

If he was so quick to let you go without a care in the world, you weren’t going to allow yourself to cry over him no matter how much you wanted to. But you were only human. Three years may not be considered “a long relationship” and you were still kind of young to get married and settle down but you knew Mark was the man you wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with. The two of you talked about your futures on multiple occasions and every time Mark would talk about his plans, you were in each one. 

On the fifth day, you came to terms with the idea that it was really over. You tried lying to yourself by thinking that he was going to come back and that he just needed some time to calm down, but you gave up on that idea entirely knowing how Mark could be. Two things about the older boy that you could do without was his pride and how stubborn he could be. 

He tried his best not to show you those sides of him because he didn’t want you thinking negatively of him or being afraid of him; however there were occasions where he would get in to it with one of his friends because he always had to have the last word. With that being said, you knew Mark wasn’t going to give in. He wasn’t going to initiate reconciling with you even if that’s what he wanted because that’s just who he was. 

A week away from work was what you needed to really try and get yourself together again. It wasn’t until your mom called asking how you were doing and if you and Mark wanted to stop by for dinner that you realized you weren’t okay nor were you ready to go out and put on a fake smile while pretending nothing was wrong. When your mom called you, you let her go to voicemail multiple times. 

Although your mom was your best friend and you probably needed someone to be there to comfort you during your heartbreak, you weren’t ready for pity or sympathy. The only person you needed was Jack Daniels. You hated what you had become in less than a weak and you hated that you allowed Mark to have this effect on you. It was only natural for you to be responding to your breakup in this way; you were only human. But you were now a pathetic alcoholic who was wasting her time crying over a man who was no longer in her life. 

Three shots of vodka, two beers and one shot of tequila later and you absentmindedly left a lengthy voicemail to your mom, telling her exactly what happened all the while begging her to let you stay at your parent’s house for a couple of days. Maybe even weeks. Deep down, you knew you needed to be around people no matter how much you enjoyed being alone because your mind always found away to think about Mark. 

You told her how Mark yanked out your heart and stepped on it repeatedly. You told her about getting drunk every single day for the last week, how much you hated him for what he was putting you through and how you hated that you were letting such a stupid boy control your emotions. You also asked her if your dad could come over on one of his days off to take a look at your door. She didn’t take long to respond back to you nor were you surprised when you heard her knocking on your door while she quickly pulled you in to her embrace once you opened it. 

“Oh yeah sweetheart, you really broke your poor door. Come here baby, mama’s got you.” 

She helped you bring your bags to the car and the two of you stayed in silence the entire ride to your parent’s house. You had a feeling she had a few questions she wanted to ask you and that there was a couple of things she wanted to say but you were glad that the only noise in her car was the sound of the air conditioner. You weren’t ready for any kind of human interaction or a conversation you knew would drive you even more crazy. 

All you wanted was for your mom to rock you back and forth like how she used to when you were younger and tell you that everything was going to be okay even if you lost all hope on it being so. When she pulled up to the garage, she told you to stay put so that she could help you get out of your car and you felt like such a child. Out of all your siblings, you were the closest one to your mom and even if you were an adult living on your own with a full time job and everything, you were always going to be her little girl. 

Seeing your child cry was always painful for a mother, but because the reason behind your sadness was something out of her control, she felt like she couldn’t do anything but console you and get you whatever you needed to try and make you feel better. Once you made it inside of the house, she led you to your old bedroom and let you get settled in so that she could prepare you something to eat. You didn’t have the heart to tell her you weren’t all that hungry; you haven’t had much of an appetite in the last week and you were sure she noticed your sudden weight loss. 

A part of you wanted to ask her to forget about it, especially because being in your old room brought back so many memories of Mark and how he would sneak in on school nights and how the two of you would stay up talking about anything your hearts desired. Being alone wasn’t something you’d think you’d ever get used to, especially because Mark was like your shadow. Wherever you went, Mark followed and unlike most people who would probably complain about his clinginess, you enjoyed it profusely. 

Knowing that Mark always craved your presence and needed to be around you to maintain his sanity made your heart flutter. This has been the longest you had to be without him and every day felt like an entire month. It’s as if time went by frustratingly slow because the universe was aware of your heartbreak and wanted to make you suffer for whatever reason you were unsure of. 

Taking a look around your old bedroom, you could feel your chest grow heavy when you saw the few pictures you had of you and Mark from when you were growing up and tears were soon building up at your eyes. The two of you looked so happy together; you were just a couple of kids who dreamt about so many wonderful things that life had to offer. Little did either of you know that one day, you would fall in love with one another before you could even comprehend the meaning behind that silly four letter word. 

You silently cursed to yourself for getting all worked up again; you came to your parent’s house as a way to heal on your own and to surround yourself with people who love you and care about your well-being. You just needed to have some kind of support system or else you’d drive yourself crazy back at your apartment thinking about what you could’ve done to have prevented the breakup from happening. The gentle knock on your door took you by surprise and you almost ended up dropping the frame. 

She released a long sigh before she walked over toward you and took the picture from out of your hands. The last thing your mom wanted to do was to make you even more upset by saying something to trigger you or cause you to overthink. But she couldn’t handle seeing you so broken; so defeated especially because you were an actual ray of sunshine. Your smile alone could light up an entire room and your personality was so bright and bubbly, people enjoyed your company because of your enthusiasm. 

As much as your mom liked Mark to the point where she would secretly plan out your future wedding with his mom whenever they’d go out to lunch together, she wanted to find him and make him regret what he did to her baby girl. She was shocked to say the least when she got your voicemail and at first, she couldn’t even understand what you were saying because your speech was so slurred and she couldn’t hear a word you were saying through your tears. Mark made it known to his surroundings that you were his entire world and all he cared about was making sure you were well taken cared of and that you were happy, healthy and got everything you deserved. You were so agitated just by seeing his photo and you wanted to scream. 

He was probably already over the entire thing and although it killed you to think like this, you couldn’t help but feel as if he was already looking for someone new. Why else would he have left you so easily? There must’ve been someone on the side but who were you kidding? That man planned an entire night out for you; to celebrate your life together. Your mind came up with all these different reasons for the breakup so you could get some closure but you weren’t stupid. You knew Mark loved you, you just couldn’t find a reason why he would tell you he regrets your relationship and wishes he never met you. 

You despised yourself for trusting Mark with your entire being; for allowing him to see each and every part of you. The good, the bad, the ugly. You hated that he was the only man you’ve ever loved with your entire physical, mental and spiritual being. You were upset with yourself for falling so hard for him and giving him the control to do such a thing to your heart. The feeling of being in your mom’s arms again after moving out almost two years ago was extremely comforting and very calming. 

She ran her fingers through your hair and continued to stay silent and waited until you stopped crying completely before telling you exactly what was on her mind. After your sobs slowly died down, she tapped on your forehead to get your attention. 

“Sweetheart, have I ever told you the story of when your father left me back when we were in college?” 

You shook your head in disagreement but widened your eyes in shock at her revelation. From what you were told, your parents were college sweethearts. Your dad fell in love with her when one of their mutual friends asked him to pick her up from work once and he was extremely grateful that their car was in the shop at that time or else he would have never met his soulmate. 

They’ve been together for over twenty years and not once have you heard this story, but now you were heavily interested. You always loved hearing stories about your parents relationship; it gave you high hopes for your own relationship and since you were going through a breakup right now, you could only hope the story would lift up your spirits. 

“We were together for only three months at the time and it was the first relationship I had where I genuinely cared for him. He was so kind, so flirtatious and used the cheesiest pickup lines to make me laugh. I knew he was going to be someone special in my life. Unfortunately, at the time your dad was the only one in his group of friends that was in a relationship. They told him that being in a relationship was “lame” and that he was still so young to be wasting his time being tied down to one girl. He tried to defend and fight for our relationship, but his friends continued to pester him over it, so he broke up with me. I was devastated, I cried for hours on end and couldn’t eat anything. But he showed up only three days later with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a bucket of fried chicken. He told me he loved me and refused to be without me. It was quire romantic if you ask me.” 

You giggled at the idea of your dad asking your mom to take him back with some Popeyes. You were upset to hear that your dad’s friends coerced him in to breaking up with her. However, you were happy to hear that it didn’t take too long for him to realize your mom was it for him.

“He’ll be back y/n. I know he will. That boy—he loves you. He doesn’t need to say it out loud, I can tell in his actions and with the way he looks at you that he’s head over heels in love with you. His mom also mentioned it a couple times; he’s—what is that word kids your age use these days? Whipped for you? She said he has stars in his eyes whenever you come up in conversation. It’s serious when a boy talks about you to his momma. One day when the two of you are married with a family of your own, you’ll look back on this little bump in the road and laugh—“

“Please don’t say that. You didn’t see the way he looked at me when he told me all of those hurtful things. It didn’t even feel like he was my boyfriend, it was as if I was looking at a stranger. It makes me wonder, did he ever really love me if he had no problem leaving me?”

“I’m serious y/n. I don’t know what things were said that night or how things ended up the way they did, but when it’s real, when it’s love, you just know. He probably looks just as bad and if not worse than you do. I know it hurts. Breakups are rough, especially because it’s obvious you and Mark were made for one another. But what have I always told you? If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it’s yours forever and if it doesn’t, well baby, it just simply wasn’t meant to be. He was probably just in the heat of the moment and said some things he probably didn’t mean. I’m sure he’s regretting this entire thing. Mark’s a smart boy; if he knows what’s best for him, he’ll be yours again in no time. Until then, get out of this funk y/n. There’s so many wonderful things in the world to do and to be grateful for. Do you really want to look back on your twenties and regret wasting your time crying over a boy when you could be doing so many different activities and go on so many adventures?”

You released a frustrated sigh and shook your head again. She was right. You were tired of crying and drinking so much. There was only so much alcohol your body could handle and it wasn’t worth all the hangovers. 

“Maybe we should tell your dad what happened so he can mess around with him a little bit and teach him a lesson.”

The idea and the way your mom said it made you let out a genuine laugh. Your parents were always so protective over you and it was probably because you were so kind-hearted that people tended to take advantage of how polite you could be. However, even if she meant it as a joke, you were nervous at what your dad would do if he found out about what Mark said to you and how the breakup was slowly killing you. You were a daddy’s girl and your dad never failed to do anything to make you smile; even if it meant scaring your ex-boyfriend which you knew you didn’t want him doing. 

Your mom stayed with you for a few hours until it was timed for her to make dinner and you ended up falling asleep because of how mentally exhausted you were. No matter how much your mom loved it whenever you stayed over, she didn’t want you to get used to running away from your problems and hiding when things got too difficult. She wanted you to learn to live without him on your own. Your mom knew that you were going to be okay. Maybe not right now, but one day you would heal from this entire situation and realize that your breakup was a learning experience. 

Plus, you had to return back to work sooner or later or you would lose your job completely. A cloud of sadness came once your dad pulled up to your apartment complex and they offered to walk you to your door but you weren’t sure if you’d allow them to leave if they did. They both pulled you in for hugs as they said their goodbyes and you actually cried as you watched them drive away. Why did life have to be so complicated? You were so unhappy to the point where you thought you would actually die from a broken heart. 

The aspect of dying from a broken heart was extremely devastating; you’ve heard about it on multiple occasions. It was normal for people to be so sad, so distraught and have no energy or motivation to do anything. They wouldn’t eat, sleep and only spend most of their days crying out what was left of their hearts. You didn’t think going through a breakup would cause this much damage to you and your well-being; but contrary to what your mom told you, Mark wasn’t just any boy. He was the owner of your heart and you understood that he could torment you like this because you allowed him to. 

You stopped by the mailbox to see if you got anything before heading up to your apartment. When your parents were driving you back to your place, you decided that you would actually get up and do something today. Whether it was tidying up your place from how messy it had become from your one too many drunken stupors, or going to the cleaners to get that wine stain out of your dress. As you began to approach your unit, you noticed there was something sitting right in front of your door. 

The closer you got, you realized that it wasn’t just something, it was someone. Your heart felt as if it was about to jump out of your chest when you realized exactly who the person was slumped up against the wall. It was exactly a week since your fight and you weren’t sure if it was what your mom had said about your love and how beautiful it was, or because you were miserable without him but you wanted nothing more than to wrap your arms around him and beg him to come back to you. 

You expected to be angry if you were to see him again because of all the trauma you suffered through; yet seeing him tugged on your heartstrings and it was as if you pushed the entirety of the last week to the back of your mind. When Mark heard footsteps coming towards him and he looked up to see who it was, he had to hold himself back from running towards you. Your mom was right, just like she normally was. 

This week was one of the worst weeks of his entire life. He was suffering without you. He never hated himself more than he did when he said all those things and he hated himself even more for not running after you as soon as those spiteful words fell from his mouth. You were the best thing that has ever happened to him, and if things were to end up differently that night, he would’ve been able to show you exactly what you meant to him in more ways than one. 

He wanted to call you, to text you and to tell you how stupid he was and how he didn’t mean a single word that he said to you but words were never his forte. Nor did he want to give up his pride even if it meant preventing this last week from ever happening. It was all his fault, or so he kept telling himself and he couldn’t go one more day without you in his life. It was too much for his heart to withstand. 

He was going to do everything in his power to get you to forgive him, even if it meant having to stay away from you for a little while longer for you to completely heal from this experience. As soon as he drove away from your apartment that night, he knew he fucked up and accidentally punched a hole in his wall out of anger. He was so selfish; so insensitive and didn’t think that his harsh words would have any negative effect on you. 

After hearing your little jabs at him, he wanted to hit you where it hurt the most but if he knew then what he knew now, he would’ve kept his mouth shut and just dropped you home so that you both could calm down and not say everything you both said to one another. You let out a deep breath and tried to prepare your heart to hear why he was there and to be ready to fight if the situation called for it. 

“Hey.” 

You looked up at him and you could feel tears brimming at your eyelids. He looked so tired and you knew for a fact that he must’ve cried with how his eyes practically mirrored the puffiness of yours. The dark circles under his eyes were more prominent and his face looked smaller than it already was. It made you cringe; Mark was never one to portray himself as someone weak or someone who had feelings and emoted whenever something was up with him. If he had a problem, he’d deal with it on his own and this was no different. 

Good. He deserved to have suffered as much as you did. 

“Hi. How long have you been here for?” He shrugged before scratching the back of his head; something he normally did when he felt like he was in the wrong or whenever he was embarrassed and you took it as the former. 

“Um—since Wednesday I think.” 

Your eyes widened in shock at his answer. Wednesday? So that means he was sitting outside of your apartment for the last three days? 

“Wait, you’ve been here for three days? Are you crazy? Mark, you could’ve gotten sick! It’s cold out here! And what about food? Have you even been eating? You look so malnourished, why would you—“

“You and I both know why. I fucked up. Big time. It took me a while to think about it at this perspective because I was just so mad and I wanted to blame you for the way things ended that night but I came to the conclusion that this was my fault. I’m the one who fucked up something so amazing, so beautiful and so perfect because I was a fucking asshole y/n and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” 

In order to prevent wandering eyes of your neighbors, you opened the door and motioned for him to walk inside so that the two of you could have your privacy. 

“Shit y/n, what happened to your door? You have to practically force it open—“

“You don’t want to know. My dad is supposed to come over this weekend to try and fix it. I think the hinges must’ve came out or something. Can I get you something to eat? Drink?” 

He shook his head and you could see in your peripheral vision that he was hesitatingly reaching out for your hand, probably in attempts to bring you to the couch so he could continue the conversation from where the two of you began from but he just walked over to the living room and took a seat. You wanted to hear everything he had to say and you were going to make it a point to let him know what this breakup did to you. 

His focus was on the multiple empty bottles of alcohol sitting on your coffee table and because he was well aware of how much you hated alcohol, it was apparent that you must’ve had it really rough if you felt the need to turn to alcohol for solace. When he felt like he was ready to talk, he turned around to face you and released an exasperated sigh. 

“I’m sorry it took so long to come here—oh, these are for you. I actually had to go back to the store because the first two bouquets actually died probably because they weren’t being watered and I bought your favorite cookies—but I got hungry so there’s only three left.” 

He handed you the beautiful bouquet of sunflowers and you giggled at the sight of only three cookies in a big container but it made you smile nonetheless. 

How romantic. 

You politely thanked him and placed both of the gifts down on the table before speaking up. 

“You should’ve called me, I wouldn’t allow you to have waited out here for me. Are you crazy Mark? What if something happened to you—“

“Then so be it. I’d probably deserve it. Fuck, you don’t understand how much of a mess I was without you and how much I’ve been suffering because the image of your pained face would not leave my mind once this entire weekend. I had a feeling you weren’t home when you weren’t answering the door but then again, you could’ve looked through the peephole and decided you wanted nothing to do with me and I wouldn’t have blamed you. The old lady next door was kind enough to offer me some food here and there but I’m sure she probably thought I was a thief or something when she first saw me. I should’ve called but you and I both know why I didn’t. I kinda wanted to give you your space because I’m sure what I said probably got under your skin. I ruined our special day and I’m sorry if I broke your heart—with the way you’re looking at me I’m sure I hurt you pretty badly huh.” 

You looked up at him with a melancholic look in your eyes; that had to be the understatement of the year. If you didn’t have your family around to help you take your mind off of your failed relationship, you were sure you would have ended up in the hospital sooner or later. 

“You broke me Mark. You made me feel like I was worthless. You made me think there was someone else or that you fell out of love with me and I genuinely wanted to die. Pathetic right? I just—I didn’t know how to function without you and waking up every morning felt like a chore. At some points I felt like I couldn’t even breathe. I’ve heard heartbreaks caused by breakups were an unfathomable pain that are impossible to bounce back from and some people even die from a broken heart I just never would’ve thought it would happen to me. Especially because we were so happy; so in love and I would have never thought one stupid, meaningless argument could cause us to separate. You made it seem like leaving me was so easy and hearing that you wished that we never dated in the first place is what truly fucked me over. I became a fucking alcoholic because of you—I blamed the entire breakup on myself even if I didn’t say anything that I knew would inflict any sort of pain to you because the idea of hurting you hurts me. It’s sad to know you don’t feel that way.”

“That’s where you’re wrong y/n. I regretted everything that I said as soon as I said them but the damage was already done. Please believe me when I say this, I didn’t mean a fucking word. That was just the anger and the irritation talking for me. My life before you always felt so empty, and once you came in to it, you made everything so much better. You filled my life with color and made my heart soar by just the mere thought of you. I could never regret you or our relationship; you’re all I could ever want or need in this hell forsaken world. You know the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you—“

“BUT YOU DID MARK.” 

You didn’t mean to yell, but it was all the built up emotions you’ve been holding in that finally released itself and you knew you wouldn’t be able to forget the way he shivered at your tone. Not once in the many years of knowing you did Mark ever see you so mad. You were always such a shy and introverted person; he didn’t think you were capable of such an intonation. He hated that he was the reason for your hostility and he was afraid that it was too late. It may have only been a week, but what you went through was enough to change your warm-hearted personality in to a cold and aggressive one. 

“Nothing will ever change the fact that you gave up on us—on me. If you knew there was a chance that your words would affect me the way that they did, then you wouldn’t have said anything at all; but you said it all without hesitation like you did mean it. I was coming to accept our breakup for what it was. Sure I was hoping you would come back; hell this is the closest I ever felt to God because I found myself praying every single day for him to show me a sign. For him to heal me and make it known that I would be okay. I’d be lying if I said I’m not the least bit content that you’re here but—I really don’t know what to make of that.” 

To your surprise, he made his way toward you and reached for your hands. As intimidated he was by how you were acting towards him, he knew he had to grow some balls and man up, or he would lose you forever and the tiny box that was in his pocket would no longer have any use. 

“I don’t know what to say or do that would explain how sorry I am and how much I wish I could go back in time and prevent any of this from happening. I don’t know how to stop you from hurting, and to get you to forgive me—I‘ll do anything to fix this y/n. Please—tell me what to do. I can’t—I can’t lose you. Tell me you don’t love me, and then I’ll—I’ll—fuck, there’s no way I can let you go. Please baby—you asked God for a sign and I came here tonight to try and fix my mistakes. That has to mean something right?” 

Hearing him sound so desperate, so willing to do whatever you wanted him to in order to bring your relationship back to what it was made you feel so many emotions. As much as you wanted him to give you some time to think, you knew you’d take him back. It was going to take some time to forgive him, and to get his words out of your mind completely, but Mark was everything you ever wanted for the rest of your life. 

Why were you going to continue suffering on your own and staying away from him when all you wanted was to have him back in your life? You cupped his cheek softly with your palm and placed a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth. Feeling him smile against your lips sent a fire through your veins; Mark’s kisses always had quite the effect on you. His lips were so pink and so pretty and you loved every single moment that they were pressed against yours. 

“You can start by paying for my dry cleaning. I got a huge wine stain on the dress I was wearing because I got drunk.” He giggled in to your neck before placing a chaste kiss there. 

“Done. You silly girl. God, I missed you so much baby. I also think I have something that could win me some brownie points but I hope tonight ends the way last week should have.” 

The question of what he was referring to was at the tip of your tongue, but before you could emit anything, he was now kneeling on the ground right in front of you and pulled out a red box. Your heart began to race on a you put two and two together; he was going to propose to you. 

“I know, this is probably not how you wanted this to happen and I promise you I had different ways in mind on doing this—but after losing you, I realized that it didn’t matter how, where or when I would ask you to spend the rest of your life with me; all that matters is that I did. I was actually planning on proposing you at the beach once we were finished eating, but I chickened out like the coward that I am. And I guess I was irritated with myself and took it out on you that night and I know I said it so many times, but I will continue apologizing until I make up for all the pain I’ve put you through. I’m sorry y/n. I don’t deserve you—I don’t deserve being able to do this right now but this last week without you made me realize that I can’t live if I have to do it without you.” 

He grazed your wrist with his thumb and you were sure he did that to calm down his nerves, but it was so cute. You loved seeing him so flustered and so nervous and you loved knowing that you were the reason behind his now shy demeanor. 

“I’ve been in love with you for longer than I can remember. Every time I would drop you back home once we hung out back in high school, I felt this emptiness in my chest. Then I realized how much I loved hearing you laugh knowing that I was the reason behind it. I loved spending time with you and being around you. I loved the feeling I got whenever we were together. You and I can literally do nothing but I’m my happiest when I’m with you and that’s when I realized you were more than just a friend to me. These last few years with you have made me the happiest man alive. You mean everything to me baby—I wish I would’ve told you this sooner so we wouldn’t have wasted time apart but I’ll make up for it the rest of my life—if you let me of course. I’ll take good care of you my love. I’ll continue to love you and give you the world on a silver platter. Y/n, will you do me the greatest honor and marry me?” 

You were sure if someone else were in your shoes, they probably would’ve said no right off the bat. Heartbreak really did change a person. It made your whole aspect on life change for the worse and you knew you weren’t the same person you were a week ago. But you’ve dreamt about this situation on many accounts. There were times where you’d sleep over Mark’s place and you’d stay up looking at him in admiration and thinking about what your future together would look like. 

Sure, you would have preferred this surprise before all the unfortunate events that happened, but you were excited and speechless nonetheless. You sank to your knees and sat down on his lap; bringing your hands up to his face and pulling his lips up to yours. You couldn’t help the snicker that fell from the back of your throat when you felt a tear fall from his eyes on to your cheek. His hands were tight on your waist as he deepened the kiss, licking and sucking on your lips before all but gently shoving his tongue in between your teeth. When you felt his excitement pressing against your core, you pulled away and ignored the choked out whine that fell from his lips as you placed your forehead against his. 

“Yes. I would love to marry you Mark. I love you so much, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Thank you for coming back to me love.” 

The way he was looking up at you pulled on your heartstrings; you couldn’t wait to tell your mom of the news. You knew she would probably hit you with “I told you so” but she would also be extremely happy for you. He abruptly stood up and took you with him, wrapping your thighs around his waist. You knew exactly what his plans were as he made his way to your room and you were excited to say the least at what he was going to do with you.

Once the two of you entered the bedroom, he didn’t waste anytime throwing you on to the bed and attacking your face with kisses as he ran his hands along your body; needing to touch you everywhere. Right as he began dragging his fingers along your clothed heat, he gripped at your chin and made sure you were making direct eye contact with him. 

“You know, since your door is already broken, I don’t see any problem in breaking your bed also—ow! What? You’re going to be my wife one day soon, so it’s only natural for me to want to fuck the living shit out of you in celebration of our engagement—I’m actually starting to reconsider this whole marriage thing. Give me back that ring, I’m gonna go sell it and buy me the PS5–“

“You wouldn’t dare Tuan, I’ll end you—“

“Just shut up and let me love you damnit.” 

You couldn’t stop the laughter that came after his little complaint. You still had yet to process that Mark was currently on top of you, ready to make love to you and to show you just how much he missed you. He playfully poked your cheek to break you out of your trance and squeezed your butt as a force of habit. 

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

“I’m just really happy, that’s all.”

 He gave you his signature cheeky grin and left a long, sloppy kiss on your lips. 

“Good. That makes the two of us, and that’s the only emotion you’re going to feel now that you’re stuck with me. Now, let’s make up for lost time shall we?”

Can you ask daddy if he's got time To come and look at my front door? It got slammed last night And now it don't close right And just promise that you won't tell him everything And keep that pistol in the drawer Mama, please don't say I'm gonna laugh about this someday You didn't see the way he drove away

How does he sleep at night? Mama, the nerve of this guy To leave me so easy Am I gonna be alright? I wanna kick myself for fallin' so hard Mama, can you die from a broken heart? Oh, a broken heart

Can your knees give out from prayin' so hard? (Prayin' so hard) Can you go blind from cryin' in the dark? (In the dark) Was it ever really real If he don't feel like I feel?

How does he sleep at night? Mama, the nerve of this guy To leave me so easy Am I gonna be alright?

How does he sleep at night? Mama, the nerve of this guy To leave me so easy Am I gonna be alright? I wanna kick myself for fallin' so hard Mama, can you die from a broken heart? A broken heart

[kosmosian-quills]

A Long Awaited Miracle

Hello again! Sorry about the long absence, but I’ve just not been very inspired at all, and thanks to @cirianne​‘s wonderful support after I fell into a rabbit hole, I was able to get this done! I hope you enjoy it!

There's a certain tension in the way Maciej enters our room tonight. In the way he hesitates to remove his hand from the handle as the door clicks shut, in how he refuses to look in my direction as he crosses the room to the drinks cabinet in the far corner, in how his hand trembles as he pours himself a stiff drink.

I can't say it's surprising. It's almost a ritual at this point.

He slowly approaches the bed I'm waiting for him on. I don't speak, or even utter a single sound, not until he's finished his glass of wine. He sits down on his side of the bed, still opting not to face me as he speaks.

"It's humiliating, Jadzia. I have a duty to my family, to keep the Royal line going. And yet, what should be a simple task seems almost impossible."

He sighs, running a hand through his hair, knocking it out of its normally crisp and neat style.

"We've been doing this almost every night for years. And we still seem no closer, do we?" he dares to barely turn his head towards me, just about looking at me.

"And Andrzej - he and Eleonora were married and merely two months later she was pregnant. It feels almost like he's rubbing it in, every time he brings his son here."

"I'm sure that's not true, Maciuś," I move from my position, closer to him, joining him at the bedside. Flicking my dark hair over my shoulders, I move as close to him as possible. "It's no fault of the boy's that he was born."

One thing I'm sure of, is that there will be no one in this world that has seen my husband so upset. Maybe his mother, or his brother, in his childhood, but not now. He wouldn't show them this, what he is showing to me. It will have been years since he cried in front of them.

"Like how it's not your fault we're going through all this." I reach over and hold his hand in mine, and he squeezes back, his other hand balled into a fist.

"It certainly seems like it from my perspective, the doctor said himself that there is nothing wrong with you," his voice trembles ever so slightly, when he says you. I wince inwardly, not quite able to form a response to that.

He isn't wrong. The doctor said that there should be no issue for us to get pregnant, but left it at that. The implications are glaringly obvious to me.

However, the words that he is repeating to me, are words that the doctor said to us years ago.

We have been undergoing regular fertility treatments for three years now, and it has certainly left a strain on almost every aspect of our lives. He feels useless, and I feel overwhelmed in large part due to the various drugs given to me for treatment. And just when I get my hopes up that this time - this time - it worked, the result is negative.

It's exhausting. We wait a few weeks, and the cycle repeats again.

All I have left in me, is the hope that it will work. That all this will be worth it, and I will be able to give him a child that we're both so desperate for.

"My apologies, Jadwiga," his voice is low and hollow, and he looks at me properly, "that was inconsiderate of me. I know what you're doing for this, for us."

I bring his hand, still entwined in mine, up to my lips and plant a small kiss, leaning on his shoulder slightly, "apology accepted.”

"I just don't understand it. Why can't I do the simplist thing that is expected of me?" it's painful to hear how he tries to conceal the tears that teeter on the edge of his voice, threatening to overwhelm him. "What is wrong with me?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all, Maciej, you care so, so much, and I want to see you happy again."

Trying to sound reassuring by giving him the ounces of hope I had reserved for myself, is all I can do. I can't blame him for this. Things have to happen, we are just unlucky. Our luck will turn around in our favour one day. It has to. For both of our sakes.

"We're both doing the best we can, and that's all we can do. We'll have our wish soon."

---

I couldn't place the strange, uneasy feeling I had that morning. It didn't help that I felt sick, but I suppose that is to be expected with the chilly weather we had been having despite our recent arrival into spring.

But I suppose the sickening feeling in my stomach was something of an omen to the news brought to us that morning.

I had barely even heard what had happened - the attendant came over and whispered in Maciej's ear. His eyes grew wide, and he leapt up from his seat and rushed to the door without another word. The sombre look on the attendant's face as he looked at me was all I needed to know, all I needed to get up and follow my husband down the corridor, to the room that his mother had retired to last night.

The Queen is dead.

Her Majesty, Queen Helena Janewska Górskanka, passed away during the night, and there seems to be a heavy shadow cast over the inhabitants of the castle now.

It was almost too sudden, too soon, to be real. She shouldn't have died so suddenly. She was in perfect health before today. In fact, she had been cheerful (well - as cheerful as her majesty allowed herself to be). She had been all smiles and happiness, even Maciej had laughed along with her at the dinner table last night.

My only hope, is that she died in happiness, in the comfort of her eldest son and her daughter-in-law. That she was proud of him.

I suppose I'll never have that answer.

And just like that, everything that was previously her job - became Maciej's responsibility entirely.

He wasn't just my husband, now. He wasn't just Maciej Pawełski Górskanki, eldest son to Helena and Paweł Górskanki, heir to the throne of the country.

No, he was now soon-to-be King, and for the first time in generations...

... he was stepping into those shoes, heirless.

I'm sure he feels that deep, burning shame that I am. That we are seven years into our marriage and still have no child, that his parents wanted to see the future of our country, and we couldn't do that for them.

At least... not whilst they were alive, it seems.

And now, here I am, waiting nervously for the results of the test I just took. I haven't told Maciej, for the fear that this is merely a passing illness, and not what we have been dreaming of for years.

If it's not real, I can keep this to myself and move on - disappointed, of course - but at least Maciej wouldn't be heartbroken at the excitement and then deflation that comes with waiting for these results. Especially today, after the death of his mother.

His father died after the Winter Festival last december. He had been in ill health, and it seemed his time had come without much fuss. Maciej was of course devastated, as was I, yet nothing came of our situation. We had hoped to have a little more time, but alas, we did not.

The pit in my stomach at the thought of this test being negative - like all the rest - is unbearable. The effort we're going through... it's not fair, it's not fair that we've been unsucessful after so long. Even I am finding it hard to stay positive in this matter. After all the hormone treatments and doctor's visits and negative tests, it's all too much now. I don't know how much longer I'll -

My train of thought is interrupted by my prompt to check the results. Here I am, sat on the bathroom floor of my own ensuite, hands shaking as I reach up to the sink for my test.

It feels like the air in my lungs has vanished. The weight on my shoulders lighter. The sickliness in my stomach eased.

That little "+" that looks back at me, seems to have made all those problems go away, at least, for now.

I hold the test close to my chest, and can't help but let the sob escape me.

[lizzieraindrops]

Chapters: 6/6 Fandom: Destiny (Video Games) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Eris Morn/Ikora Rey Characters: Eris Morn, Ikora Rey Additional Tags: 5+1 Things, Hello destiny sapphics; allow me to introduce myself, Femslash, if nobody is going to write the content i want to see then i will create it myself, listen. it's about perceiving the weak and wounded places in someone you love, and lavishing love and care upon them even when they won't admit they need it, it's about the Mutual Support, it's about being kind to them even when you don't know how to be kind to yourself, Light Angst, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, oh and ikora has the most Distinguished Bisexual energy i've ever seen so jot that down, it doesn't come up but you needed to know, this is all just a bunch of softness and tenderness don't @ me okay

Summary:

Five storms Eris and Ikora weathered and one they didn't need to.

The Shadowkeep weblore lives in my head rent free. Set post-Taken King and mostly during Shadowkeep.

“As I told Asher, there is a storm coming...” “Oryx is dead. We’ve weathered the storm.” Ikora is upset. She has yet to understand the bigger picture. “Yet his sisters would see his will done. There will always be another storm.” “Then let’s weather it together.” -Shadowkeep Narrative Preview #1

Many thanks to @hencegoodfortune for the beta read and of course for the memes.

Chapter: |  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |  +1  |

Set just after The Taken King.

Eris knows she is not in the Hellmouth. Although the Tower has never felt the same since her ordeal on Luna, she recognizes it easily nonetheless. At every moment, the freshness of the open air reminds her that she is here, she is on Earth. She has been for some time now.

However, she has never forgotten how to move like a ribbon through the darkness, arcing undetected round predator and prey alike. She doubts that she ever will. Sometimes the habit returns of its own accord, and she’ll find her feet and hands floating weightless as she moves. Joints and muscle and sinew flex in careful concert to absorb every sound before it is made. The lines of lightly tensed limbs spiral seamlessly into the coiled core of her, tethering her in perfect silence. At the same time, she remains ever ready to fight, ready to flee. How often has Eris’ last, Lightless life lay along the knife’s edge of a split-second choice, the divergence between action and stillness, vengeance or survival?

Somehow, the smooth stone of the Tower’s level floors is harder to walk quietly on than the rough winding warrens through Luna’s porous rock. There are no edges to test with the edge of her boot, no uneven surface to ease her soles onto by swift and silent increments. There is only the unsubtle strike of heels on a flat, unforgiving surface. She makes the most of it, as every Hunter here does. Still, it leaves her uneasy. Her feet cannot quite keep to the ground.

Consequently, she often finds herself pacing, wandering from her post in the heart of the Tower whenever she grows restless. Every step falls lighter than the last, chasing silence in a meditation on weightlessness. It does not make her feel any better.

After so long underground, she is unaccustomed to the plenitude of open space here. While she has traced much of the Tower’s perimeters, the negative spaces in the centers of broad rooms and vaulted halls she leaves less frequented. She is too exposed there.

Yet maybe she is less affected by the empty space than the sheer number of souls that so often fill it. After so long so alone, they are simply so many, pressing at her survival-sharpened awareness from every angle. Not to mention she attracts too many of their stares in the crowded plazas. Although detection here is not followed by shrieking howls or the lightning strike of boomers, distrustful eyes still make her hunger for shelter. The choice to endure or to withdraw still needs to be be made. And whether well-meaning or ill-intentioned, a close approach still makes her instinctively recoil.

Eris has scraped out a place for herself here, lingering close enough to share with those who will listen the knowledge she has gained at a terrible price. But it has been made clear enough that she does not belong here anymore, not as she once did. If the condemnation of the Speaker and the only begrudging trust of the Vanguard’s Commander were not enough to tell her that, then the wary regard of most of the Tower’s populace would. So she holds herself back, toward the edges of things. It is difficult to do so at her station so near the Hall of Guardians, the greatest locus of Guardian activity on the planet. She draws herself to her full height and stands there proud, but never takes the ground she stands on for granted. When it becomes too much, like now, she paces.

This time, her pacing has led her to the edge of the Tower where her ship was once tethered. With how wary she has grown of exposed spaces, the open sky above that lays bare every courtyard and balcony should send her seeking cover - and yet, it does not. If anything, its incomprehensibly vast expanse calls to her. Strange.

Eris has traversed the spaces between planets with her own fragile body, with only a ship’s hull to keep the cold from swallowing what remains of her. Yet from Earth’s surface, a few mere miles of atmosphere transforms that emptiness, and its beauty holds her spellbound. It scatters sun into prismatic slices of light. The stars’ unblinking gaze softens into a flutter of eyelashes. No longer can she see the narrow spectrum of colors that humans evolved to discern; it has all faded into endless shades of the same hue. But the contrast of such brightnesses against the dark have become sharper than ever. Indeed, daylight has become a blaze to truly blind her. These stolen eyes of hers were made instead for depths and shadows.

Even so, she often finds herself staring out into the searing sky until her head aches. The sensations make her remember. She is no longer buried beneath stone, lost to this cosmos. She is free now, in some ways.

Eventually, her wanderings bring her back to the shaded refuge beneath the stairs just outside the Hall of Guardians. She is glad for this, too. Her station provides some small respite for her sensitive, ever-weeping eyes. And there she stays, until exhaustion drives her to rest, or else grief or fear or restlessness or her ever-smoldering rage drive her to pacing once again.

It’s true that many other eyes pass by that shadowed alcove of hers. Guardians constantly sweep in and out on either side of her, running and jumping and gliding up and down the stairs with urgent reports and important orders and burning questions for the Vanguard. They are so bright. Few of them spare a glance for her, these days, save for startled new Lights.

There are a few, though, who look upon her not with distrust or fear or begrudging tolerance, but with recognition. Once in a great while, cousin Asher will grace her with his inimitable company. It gladdens her heart, even when he merely stops to exchange research notes or brief insults. He cleaves to his research with a passionate vengeance, as does she. Unlike most, he pays more attention to her knowledge and her current work than her past. With the way he helped care for her in the months after her escape from Luna, she has come to hold him in close confidence.

On occasion, her friend the Guardian, who avenged her fireteam upon the very souls of Crota and Oryx, stops to greet her. Sometimes they bring her news from Luna or Mars. Words are few with that one lately, though. These days, their outgoing ghost is the one who relays whatever tidings they carry. The change leaves a cold shadow over Eris’ heart. Therefore, she values their quiet presence all the more. She fears for them.

Of course, Ikora’s is the kind regard she is subject to most often. Eris has never forgotten that Ikora believed her since the beginning. Most met her genuine warnings of inbound danger from the Hive with distrust, dismissal, or fear. Ikora not only listened, but met her with endless kindness. Even now, as the Warlock Vanguard steps into nearer chamber of the Hall for a brief consultation with Lord Shaxx, she spares a moment and a smile for Eris.

Ikora’s smile has always been warm and real and reassuring, a balm on the fibers of frayed nerves. Among the very few who welcomed Eris back to Earth, that smile was a signal of genuine care and safety that she homed in on immediately. The one directed at Eris now is subtle, a mere quirk of the lips. Yet it hints at the vast depths of passion and compassion below the surface, like a ripple that disappears swiftly on the surface of a deep, deep pool.

Ikora’s outward cool composure that obscures that intensity is not a façade. It is more an ingenius piece of architecture, a mighty aqueduct capable of holding and channelling the endless font of her inner immensities. It is an elegant and functional work of art well-kept and expanded over centuries.

The warmth that must be behind such a small yet genuine smile is palpable; it falls on Eris like the creeping warmth of sunlight, sinking in deep even though it scarcely touches her skin. Even the lower half of her face, where her many layers do not shield her from long-lost Sol, is still sallow and nearly as grayed as the dust of Luna. She hadn’t known at first, with the changes to her vision, not until Asher had told her. He never does shy away from the speaking of truth. In those endless years of darkness, the lack of light and loss of Light took something from Eris, sapped something vital, and left something strange in its place.

Yet Eris can feel the sun again, now. She can walk out into the courtyard at any time of day, find a south-facing wall to lean on, and bask in the radiating warmth like an ectothermic reptile.

Even without leaving the cool shadows of her post, another warmth still reaches her. Ikora offers her one more smile as she goes to return to her own station. Eris stands a little taller under the aegis of her regard, her spine the stem of a sunflower lifting her toward its steady kindness.

Eris takes not a single one of these boons for granted. Each one is a precious gift far beyond what she ever expected to experience again, after her descent into the Hellmouth. Yet none of it can quell her restlessness, for it springs from the same source as her gratefulness. It always comes back to what happened to her on Luna.

Each time she returns to her pacing, the Tower feels a little smaller. The scope of the sky distracts her for a shorter time. Now, even after her sworn vengeance upon the Hive has been fulfilled twice over in double deicide, the path of her vow still pulls her feet forward. She does not know where its shrouded course leads, only that there is still a threat yet to be met along it. More and more, she is certain that she cannot wait here to meet it, or it will be too late.

However, she never expected to leave behind wounds when she leaves. After she departs to sight the next storm on the horizon, she is haunted as often by the surprised hurt that she left in Ikora’s eyes as by the memory of her smile.

[ourplaceinthecosmosphff]

Chapter 18. Three’s a Party

‘Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined.' Ovean Vuong, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous

I don’t know how long we stayed in the bathtub, but it felt quick. Harry held me until I stopped crying, his hand caressing my hair, his smell bringing me peace – it was almost easy to allow my breath to slow. When it did, while he still held me to his chest, I told him everything.

I told him that there were days I barely said anything to anyone that wasn’t ‘good morning’ or ‘good night’. I told him about feeling bursts of anger towards everyone and everything. I told him about the many attempts to clarify with multiple people what I was supposed to be doing and receiving condescending dismissals. I told him about my mother’s general apathy, about my sister having swollen, bloodshot eyes so constantly I stopped thinking it was unusual, about her sudden parting with her lifelong dream. I told him things I hadn’t even realized I felt before I said it aloud.

Like the guilt of being alive when Louis was gone, like the guilt of sometimes forgetting he was, or feeling boredom, or even the slightest joy, when he wasn’t around anymore for any of it. Like feeling so guilty about inheriting his title that sometimes I googled myself to see the negative stories in the press as punishment.

Afterwards, I had a shower and when I stepped outside, there was a fresh glass of water in the nightstand on the side I had slept in the night before.

I had a few sips, feeling my eyes heavy – they were swollen from crying. It was early at night, but I had no desire for dinner or doing anything at all. So I just laid in bed, on my side, feeling the kind of tired sleep doesn’t cure, but still I closed my eyes, letting his smell in the pillow lull me to sleep.

I woke up – God only knows how long after – with his hand on my shoulder, warm and firm, slowly running down my arm almost until my elbow and back up, delicately.

I took in a deep breath and let it go, then I turned around in bed, to face him. His other arm was under his pillow. I didn’t look at his face, just laid my head on his pillow, over his shoulder, eyes closed to go back to sleep. A little thrown, it took him a second or two, but eventually he let his arm relax as it embraced me, before starting to caress my back.

I didn’t let the guilt in. I refused to. I was just… broken, an open wound, and he made me feel at peace. That was all that mattered.

In the night, I woke up to use the bathroom and when I returned, Harry, still in deep sleep, was facing the other side of the room. I laid next to him, and tentatively dropped my arm down his waist. When I raised up my knees, my legs fit into his, and I let it. I touched my nose to his back, letting his smell calm me again, and brought my hand across his chest to his heart. Feeling it beat, I was so close to sleep I didn’t hear or feel when he moved his hand until it was over mine. He interlaced our fingers together and sighed, content. With his fingers caressing mine, I fell asleep easily.

— ---- —

We slept in the following day. By the time I gave up trying to go back to sleep, it was almost noon. I turned in bed to find Harry scrolling through his phone, his face still slightly swollen from sleep.

“Morning.” I said, my voice lower than usual.

He smiled at me, letting his phone fall to the mattress and hugging his pillow to look at me upclose.

“Good morning.” He reached out with a hand to brush my hair out of my face. “Or should I say good afternoon.”

“Afternoon?!”

“It’s almost two.”

“What?!” I asked, slightly exasperated. “Why didn’t you wake me up?!”

“What for?” He asked, shrugging. It was a good point. “Sometimes it’s good to sleep the day away… healthy.”

“I… I have been sleeping the day away a lot.” I confessed.

“I know.” He replied. I did tell him that the previous night. “It’s okay. Emotionally tired is still tired.”

I smiled, feeling less embarrassed than a second ago.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt. Go back to…” I gestured vaguely with my eyes to his phone.

“I was just making some decisions for work. Nothing more for the rest of the day, though. Free to binge Orange is the New Black if you want.”

I let out a small, excited gasp. “Yay.” He laughed.

“Should we get something to eat first?” He asked. “I had breakfast earlier, but I was waiting for you for lunch.”

Faster than I could try to stop it, I felt my heart fill with affection for him.

Sighing, I smiled. “Sure. How about that indian place you mentioned?”

“Nice!” He smiled, picking up his phone.

He pulled up the menu and we chose our favorite kind of naan and chicken, so he sent a request to his security, who would then, apparently, order it themselves and receive it at the gate.

We stayed in bed for a while longer, talking about a lot of nothings, before he got a notification that the delivery guy had exited the restaurant. I then got up and went to the bathroom as he went downstairs to set the table.

When I got down, he was gone, though I quickly realized he was just outside picking up our food from one of his protection officers. He’d set up the coffee table in the TV room with plates, cutlery and cups over a white linen tablecloth with a small glass bottle in the center filled with colorful wildflowers I guessed he must have gotten from the garden outside.

I sat down on the floor with a smile on my face, biting my lip as my cheeks reddened.

We ate while Orange is the New Black played on the TV in front; the chicken was good, but the garlic naan was the best part of the meal. When we were done, I felt so satisfied I just stretched across the floor with one of the couch cushions as a pillow to watch the rest of the episode. Harry pushed the table to the side, pulled another cushion down and laid by my side, one arm under his head, closer to me than strictly necessary. I had issues paying attention to the plot.

Two, three, four episodes later we were still laying on the floor when I got up and told him I had to pee, so we decided to continue watching it upstairs. He took the dishes to the sink while I went to the bathroom. When I came back, I realized he’d brought the blanket and pillows from his bed so we could be more comfortable.

“Do you not have to work today?” I asked, just as he happily jumped into place.

“Nope!” He smiled. “I cleared my schedule to do nothing else today.”

“Nice.”

“Though I do have an engagement tomorrow.”

“Oh, what is it?”

“It’s something for the Endeavor Fund.” He explained. “I’m going to the tracks, in Sussex. Goodwood Motor Circuit. Some other servicemen and women will be there, that’s who the Fund works to help, you know?”

“Veterans?”

“Wounded, sick, injured…” He nodded. “So we’re having a bit of the day in the tracks and I think,” He grinned, “they’ll let me drive a jaguar.”

“Exciting.” I laughed.

“It is!” He nodded, enthusiastically.

“��that’s what you like to do more, isn’t it?” I asked. “Helping military personel… you look… energized when you talk about them.”

He sighed, smiling. “I guess I– I guess I feel I am one of them. Even if in a very different, much smaller way.”

“We’ve talked about this.” I corrected. “You were there, you’re one of them. Stop downplaying it.”

He smiled at me, before looking down, biting his lower lip. He opened his mouth and closed it again.

“What?”

“…I’ve been working on something. Something cool, that I’m excited about… It’s… It’s not ready yet… but we’re so close to announcing it…”

“God, you sound so excited.” I noticed, chuckling. “What is it?!”

He seemed to consider me for a few seconds before getting up, quickly, and jumping over me to go to the kitchen, where he picked up his laptop from the table and brought it back, along with a thick, black, plastic folder.

“So, have you ever heard of the Warrior Games?!” He started. “It’s this military sports event in America, for injured military personnel… I was there last year and it just… it was amazing!”

“Okay?”

“So I kept thinking about it, and about how it should really be for everybody, not just the Americans, you know? It should be like the Olympics, global. I mean, it just makes sense, the benefits that it brings to them… it puts them back in a mindspace of self-worth, you know? And at the same time it inspires other people, too, civilians, I mean. It teaches them how impressive they are.”

“Sure.” I nodded.

“Well,” he opened his laptop and put in my lap, opening a slideshow with a couple of clicks of his finger. “So I… I am doing it. Well, we are. Me and my team. We’re creating a global military sports event for injured personnel.”

He clicked through the slides in his presentation summarizing his main idea – essentially, a military paralympics –, and the contacts he had made to get the event to happen in London. His connections involved everyone from the Mayor to the Obamas, as well as millions in investment from Jaguar Land Rover.

He smiled as he spoke with pride about every decision, showing me rejected design ideas for the logo, to the newest t-shirt mockup, which he had a printed version of in a chart on his folder. Eventually, his cheeks reddened as he realized he spoke for so long Netflix was asking if we were still watching Orange is the New Black.

“Sorry.” He chuckled. “I’ve just been so anxious about announcing it next month… And then they want us to plan it for September, which seems so close!”

“Well, it is. But it’s okay! You can totally pull it off.”

“You think?”

“Of course!” I smiled. “The secret is finding passionate, competent people and delegating so you don’t lose your mind, because, Harry… the idea is really good. You can totally pull it off.”

He smiled, sheepishly. “…I’m actually really excited.”

“You should be.” I told him, honest. “It’s a great idea, and you’ve clearly done your homework. I like everything about it.”

He looked at me. “Thanks, Mary.”

“…who knows? Maybe we’ll get some Savoy veterans in here, too.”

“That’d be cool!” He nodded. “You’d have to come support them, though. I mean,” he fixed his features into a serious expression, leaning in to me, conspiratorially, “as the Crown Princess, you would have to. Right?”

I smiled. “Makes sense. Duty is duty.” I shrugged.

“That’s right…” He agreed, closer still.

“Are you scared?”

“Of what?” His playful smile disappeared.

I shrugged. “All of it.”

He sighed. “I’m terrified. I mean, the amount of people I’ve managed to convince… the amount of people this would impact… the amount of money we need… Sometimes I’m—Well, most of the time I’m just so confused as to how no one has stopped me yet?!”

I giggled. “Because you’re good at this. You… care. You have talent and passion and you care. People see it.”

His cheeks were reddening again.

“Honestly?” I asked, with a sigh, “I wish I had this type of… connection to the work. Maybe I would feel less lost about giving up the only career I’ve ever wanted to be Crown Princess.”

We were silent for a while, as my words echoed in our minds.

“You know…” he started, carefully, his tone soft. “It wasn’t that easy… Getting to this... point. This… Place where I’m actually kind of okay at it.”

“We’ve established you are brilliant at it.” I corrected, making him blush as he tried to bite down a smile.

He closed the laptop and put it behind us, on the couch, before pulling his pillow closer to me.

“I spent most of my life feeling out of place.” He started slowly. “I mean, you know what is like. Being born into this, but not really having a place in it. I felt… useless and used. Being a soldier is the only thing I ever felt I earned and was actually good at… and even that I couldn’t do.”

“Too risky, right?”

He nodded. “It’s just… not a risk to my life, but I become a risk to others… I felt… robbed of the only thing I liked doing.”

I nodded. “I know what that’s like.”

“Yes, but you see, that’s not your case anymore.” He sat up, looking at me intently.

I scoffed, humorlessly laughing at the thought. “It doesn’t feel that different.” Harry sighed. “Would you rather go back to Litchfield?”

I smiled. “Yes.”

While Piper struggled with her soap business and navigating her own newfound identity, I laid closer to him until it was his shoulder and not the pillow I was resting my head on. The moment felt soft and fragile, but risky all the same. Having him around felt… powerful in ways that were scary and impossible to ignore at the same time. And although I felt moving away would be the smart thing to do, I couldn’t.

I was almost falling asleep when Mr. Healy ignored Pennsatucky threatening Piper, so I had to wake up to yell at the TV. We went from seasons one to two with Harry smiling at my reaction. When Piper was finally back at Litchfield, I started falling asleep again, so he said we should go upstairs, “just in case”.

On his bed, we seemed to drop all pretenses. He stretched his arm over me and I just laid my head inside his embrace with no preamble. It was getting harder to deny or try to rationalize it – that homecoming feeling that threatened to knock me out whenever I touched him.

— ---- —

Harry’s phone rang hours later, waking me up from a nap. He whispered an apology, and picked it up quickly, before telling me it was work and was going to take a while. So he went downstairs and I started paying attention to the show again. When I saw Piper out of prison and the mustache asshole back I replayed the previous episode from the start as it was clear I had missed a lot.

Three episodes later, there was a big storm brewing in Litchfield and I am not saying it was a sign, but it was in the middle of that episode that I decided Harry had been on the phone for a long time, and thought I should check on him.

Downstairs, he was on the kitchen table typing away on his laptop with a focused look over his eyes. Quietly, I watched him for a few seconds, half envious for his passion for the work, half appreciative of the way his jaw locked when he looked pensive.

I was smiling when I heard a knock on the door. Harry rose from his chair, closed the laptop, and made his way to it while I took two steps back into the stairs, to hide.

“Hi.”

There was a moment of shock while the house remained silent before I felt my legs move. I cut the distance through the kitchen and living room until I had one hand on a mouth-agape-Harry’s back, gently pulling him out of the way. He opened the door more as he did and soon both him and my sister were staring at me.

“Lourdes?!” I asked, in shock. “What are you doing here?!”

My sister was standing before him, still in her school uniform. She had no shock in her face, just an obnoxious looking smile. “Hey, Maggie.”

I looked at Harry, who couldn’t seem to decide where to look.

“Hey, would you mind–?” I started, but he didn’t need me to finish.

“Sure, yeah.” He nodded, hurriedly walking inside again.

I stepped out and closed the door behind me.

“Are you sure you don’t want your bodyguard to talk to me first?” Lourdes asked. “Maybe frisk me? I could be hiding a gun. What if I force you to follow me into the car and take you home by force?!”

Beyond her, I saw in the small, brick street of Kensington Palace a black SUV parked with the windows rolled down. The driver was Lourdes’ own security officer, who seemed to be accompanied by mine.

“What are you talking about?! What are you doing here?!”

“Well, from what I hear he’s been watching you like a guard dog.” She said. “Maman made it sound like she wasn’t even sure you were real anymore… ‘No one’s seen Marie-Margueritte in three days! She could have died and we wouldn’t know!’”, she mocked.

“That’s ridiculous.” I shook my head, almost amused. “She’s so dramatic.”

“That’s rich coming from you.” Lourdes said, one brow perked up higher than the other. “Did you really run away from your security?”

“I didn’t–!” I started, choking on my words. “…run.”

“Wow, Maggie.” She laughed. “That’s insane.”

“Shut up.” I rolled my eyes. “Lourdes, why are you here?!”

“Why do you think? Mom seems to think I would be better at dragging you home. I guess maybe she thought I would be faster at sneaking upstairs to find you… I don’t think she planned on you coming out of your own will.”

I rolled my eyes. “Look, I’m fine. Go home, and tell mom and dad I’ll be home soon, okay?”

“Oh, no.” She shrugged. “I’m staying.”

Quicker than I was able to follow, she reached behind me, opened the door and walked in. When I followed her, I realized she had a large weekend bag hanging from her shoulder, the one she usually used for weekend trips home.

“Woah, this place is… small.” She remarked, walking around as she took everything in, as if in a museum. “You live here?”

From the couch, Harry got to his feet and shrugged. “I live on my own, don’t need much space.”

“Bet you never thought you’d have to offer sanctuary to poor, runaway princesses, huh?”

“Lourdes, you’re not staying.”

She looked at me, one brow corked up in defiance. “What are you going to do, call your security in here to drag me out? Who’s to say they won’t take you with me?”

Harry interjected. “Okay, why don’t we all take a deep breath and–?”

“You need to relax.” She dropped her bag on the floor and walked by Harry to inspect the living room. “I’m on your side.”

I sighed. “I don’t know what that means.”

“Seriously, Maggie, running away?! Badass. Never thought you had it in you.” She laughed.

“I did not run away!”

“Yeah, she calmly walked off the train.” Harry added, looking slightly more amused than felt appropriate.

“Regardless,” Lourdes shrugged, “amazing.”

“Lourdes, this isn’t–”, I sighed, unsure what to even say anymore. “This isn’t a game.”

“Everything’s a game if you’re having fun.” She returned, not even looking at me. “

As she approached Harry’s bookcase, I looked at him, lost for words. He had a grin on his lips, but his eyes reflected my own confusion.

I walked past him, towards Lourdes as she grabbed one of the picture frames to inspect it closely.

“You can’t stay here.” I told her.

She turned around and looked at Harry, a pitiful, sad expression on her face. “…I can’t?”

Harry’s mouth dropped open and he looked at me, pure despair in his eyes.

“Oh, please.” I stepped in front of her to block Harry’s view. “Don’t.”

“I mean, I get it, I should have called, I guess.” She told him, leaning around me. “I wouldn’t want to impose. I’m sorry, Harry–”

“Of course you can stay.” Harry said, making me turn to give him a wide-eyed, questioning look. “There’s enough space, it’s not a big deal.”

“She has school!” I argued. “It’s monday! You have to go to school.”

“Actually, I do not.” She said, placing Harry’s picture of himself as a baby on a pony with his mother by his side back on the shelf. “I am all yours.”

“Why–? Of course, mom… Look, Lou, mom thinks there’s something very dramatic happening here, but there isn’t. I’ll be home in no time. Until then, she’ll soon regret taking you away from school to involve you in this.”

“She didn’t.”

“Didn’t what?”

“Take me away from school.” She shrugged. “I was suspended.”

“I’m sorry, what?!”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s not a big deal, it was totally unfair.”

“Suspended? As in, the administration sent you away?!”

“Yes, Maggie, relax. It was a mistake.” She removed her navy blue blazer, throwing it on me. “I didn’t do anything. Wrong place, wrong time.”

“That explanation is gonna need a lot more words.”

She folded her sleeves up to her elbows. “Sounds like we’re gonna need time. Good thing I’m staying.”

I looked at Harry, exasperated. He sighed, and gave me the quickest and smallest of shrugs.

“Well, that’s decided.” He said. “Lourdes, right? Harry.”

She smiled at him. “Oh, I know who you are.”

“Okay–” I tried.

“We did meet in Savoy. Last October.”

“Yes. And you were the guy sexting my sister after the Royal tour.”

Mortified, I sighed, looking at the ground.

Harry merely stuttered. “I–I don’t think I–Well, I–Would you call that sext–?”

“Louis thought you liked her.” Lourdes added. “Did you?”

“Okay!” I shouted, throwing her blazer over her head. “How about pizza for dinner? Harry, do you know a place?”

His cheeks were red. “I–I do. Yes.”

“Good. Lourdes likes pepperoni. I like marguerita, but I’m open to anything, really.” I grabbed her bag with one hand and her elbow with the other. “I’m going to show her to the guest room and let her have a nice, much needed shower in your bathroom if that’s okay–”

“Are you implying I stink?” She asked, holding her blazer awkwardly above her eyes.

“Towels on the closet in the hall, right?” I asked him, already on the stairs. “No mushrooms, please, I’m allergic!”

Then I marched her into the guest bedroom, the only room in the house I hadn’t yet seen. It was smaller than Harry’s room, and had a stuffy smell, but it was nice enough. I put Lourdes’ bag on the floor trying to look as though I had been there before. 

“Why were you suspended?”

“Why are you here?” She returned.

“Why are you here?!”

“To convince you to go home, of course.”

“Well, I’m not going home. Not yet. Now answer my question.”

She seemed to consider the request for a while. Slowly, she dragged the tip of her finger on the surface of the bedside table and stared at it. 

“Some kids were smoking.”

I straightened my back, attentive. “...were you?”

“No.” She rolled her eyes. 

“Well, no need to react like that, it’s a fair question. Why were you suspended then?”

She sighed. “I was with them and I guess my word isn’t enough to clear me.”

“Who was it?! When did your friends start smoking?!”

She circled the bed and opened the curtains, looking out the window. “No one you know. And I didn’t ask.”

“New friends? Why are you hanging out with kids who smoke?!”

“They’re nice. They’re fun. And everyone else I know was in class.”

“What—why weren’t you in class, then?”

She let out a long sigh. “Maggie, it doesn’t matter. It’s done.”

“Yes, it matters, Lourdes. Of course it does. Do mom and dad know?”

“Of course they know. They’re the ones who told the pilot to fly me here from school instead of home.”

“Wait. What came first? You getting suspended or them asking to come get me?”

She thought about it a while, turning around to face me. “I’m not sure. From my end it was the suspension.”

We were silent, both too busy with our own thoughts. I grabbed her blazer and folded it, gently. The school emblem on it still made me sad; she attended the same school I only stayed at for one year.

“...they must be very stupid if they thought they could get away with it. Your friends, I mean. Those nuns are everywhere. They see everything.”

She was quiet. 

“What class were you cutting?”

“...AP English.”

“What?!” I asked, slightly outraged. “You cut one of the best classes?! Man. What a waste. I always fantasized about cutting physics but never did.”

“I don’t mind physics. There’s so much going on that my mind stays busy. But there’s too much thinking in English.” She sat on the bed to start removing her knee high socks. “And it always reminds me of Lou.”

Feeling my heart tighten, I remembered English was always Louis’ favorite subject. 

Lourdes removed her shoes, placed both socks into them — black leather Gucci loafers — and turned around to get her bag. 

“How many?”

“How many what?”

“How many classes did you cut?”

She didn’t look at me. Inside her bag, she found a pair of pajamas, underwear, a toiletries bag, and from inside it, a hair tie she used to put her long blonde hair into a bun. 

“They wouldn’t send the King’s daughter home for skipping one class and not smoking.”

“It’s bullshit.” She complained. “My grades are fine! So what if I skipped a couple classes?!”

“A couple?!”

“A few. Whatever. If my grades are fine that means I don’t need the classes. Ergo, why should I be punished for it?!”

“How many is a few?”

“Maggie, that’s not the point. The point is I don’t have skating anymore, so I have time to study by myself.”

“Sounds like something you could have agreed on with your teacher instead of just... doing it.”

“Again. If my grades are fine—“

“What do you consider fine?” I interrupted, “Because your grades were fine before. By that logic, now they should be better.”

She sighed. “Whatever. It’s done.”

She removed her button down white shirt and folded it carefully. The white tank top she was wearing underneath had stains on it. 

“How long are you suspended for?”

“Until next week. Which gives me plenty of time to stay here with you.” She finished, with a smile. 

I looked at her bag, at the rug, and at the wall in silence 

"Lou, you can't stay here."

"Why not? You are."

"Because you're a kid. You are under age. Mom and dad will want you home. They shouldn't even have sent you here in the first place, what were they thinking?"

"That if you wouldn’t talk to them, you might talk to me." She replied.

"I guess they were right, then."

"But you still won't come home or let me stay."

"It's just... complicated."

"You just want to be alone with your lover." She said, accusatory.

"Lover?!" I asked, disgusted.

"Isn't that what you call someone you're having an affair with?"

"I am not having an affair! God, you and mom, I swear to God! I'm allowed to have friends!"

"It's an interesting friendship..."

"Speaking of which, cut it out with that sexting nonsense. And asking him about all that stuff in the tour. It's not okay."

"I didn't make anything up. I'm just asking about things that happened."

"And I am asking you to stop doing that." I said. "Cut it out. We're friends. You're making it weird."

"Oh, I am?" She asked, crossing her arms. "So, if you found out Chris was staying with a female friend in Canada, who was to him what you are to Harry, whatever that is, you would be okay with it?"

"Yes." I lied, on auto-pilot.

"Right." She rolled her eyes and picked up her toiletries bag and her pajamas. "What did you even tell him? Christopher, I mean. When you said you were staying here? That you were having a mental breakdown and Harry offered you a place to do it?"

"...I haven't spoken to Christopher." I told her, rolling my eyes.

"In three days?! What the hell, Maggie? He might think you died."

"I think he would have heard from someone if I died."

"Well, what if he died? What if his plane crashed?! What if he called the police when he couldn't reach you?!"

"He knows better than that." I explained. "Besides, my phone is still off. I didn't want the staff to be able to track me."

"Well, they know you're here now." She reminded me. “Might as well turn it on and start thinking of a good explanation to give your boyfriend.”

There was a knock on the door, so we both looked at it to find Harry standing in the doorway.

“Hey.” He started, awkwardly. “Your… security detail came over to ask when you’re leaving.” I looked at my sister. “They don’t know you’re staying?!”

“Oops.” She shrugged. “In my defense I don’t remember explicitly saying that I had permission to stay.”

“Lourdes-Abigail!” “So, the lawyer gene runs in the family, I see.” Harry said, grinning. I ignored him. “Lourdes, you can’t stay here if you don’t have permission.” “Harry said I could stay.” “Harry isn’t your parent. You need permission from your parents.” She took in a deep breath, and straightened her back. “I am staying, Maggie. And you know why? Because I don’t have school, which means the only place I’m supposed to be is home. With mom and dad who, as you well know, are a nightmare these days. So, if you don’t have to be home, I don’t either. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to have a shower. I’m assuming it’s the only other door in the hall, right?”

She marched past me and Harry, out of the room, walking confidently into his bedroom and soon I heard the bathroom door close from inside.

I sighed, slumping down into the guest room bed. I risked a look at Harry.

“I’m sorry.” I said. “Now you have two unwanted guests.” “Not unwanted.” He replied. “And I thought we talked about apologies.” I gave him a smile. “She can be a lot.”

“So can you.” He returned. “I like it.”

We exchanged a smile before he turned around to leave.

“Harry?” I called. “If it’s okay, I think it’s best if Lourdes thinks I’ve been sleeping in this room these past couple of nights.”

He gulped, avoiding my eyes. "Sure. Whatever you think is best."

“It’s just…” I started, apologetic. “She wouldn’t… understand.”

He nodded. “I’m not sure I do, either, to be honest.”

Quietly, I tried to think of how to answer that, but I couldn’t think of anything. He smiled, and went back downstairs. In his room, I found my own bag and took it to the guest room. In it, I found my phone. My heart beating rapidly, feeling tight, I turned it on, and while I waited, I tried to think of how to justify to Christopher why I had disappeared off the face of the Earth.

But when my phone finished updating the notifications I had missed, I realized I didn’t have anything to be concerned about. There were a couple texts from my friends, and many missed calls from my parents and Auguste, as well as my protection officers. But Chris had only texted once. A few hours before.

‘Hey babe. Sorry I forgot to text or call! I landed fine, jet lagged though. In and out of a lot of meetings, so I forgot! Bringing you a gift! Talk soon, love you xo’

I tried to think of what to tell him. I tried to look inside my heart and find what I had to say to him. But I was coming up empty. After a few minutes I just turned my phone off again and went back downstairs. 

In the kitchen, Harry was gathering plates and cups to set the table in the living room again.

“Hey. I thought we could eat while watching TV again. Probably not Orange, your sister seems too young for it, but it’s your call--”

I approached him, slowly, taking the cups he was holding from his hand and placing them on the table. Without allowing myself to think too much about it, I then wrapped my arms around him and laid my head in his chest, like it had been when I was sleeping earlier that day. His smell was still as comforting and welcoming as before and his touch when he hugged me back, tightly, felt natural and mind bendingly warm.

Thinking of my boyfriend, I was coming up empty. In Harry’s arms, I felt a lot.

---- --- ----

[A/N: Yall. Tell me what you thiiiiiiink! What do you thiiiiiink????? Please let me know! THANK YOU FOR READING YOU’RE THE BEST!]

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #387

“today i woke up, & i hate myself”

What common problem have you never experienced? The loss of a close family member (that doesn't include pets). Alternatively, what's an uncommon problem you have experienced? Homelessness. Do you know anyone who opposes marriage equality? I sure do. What was the last thing you got really emotional about? Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty premiering. What's the longest amount of time you've been ill for? I don't really know. I don't get sick a lot at all. Who is your closest male friend? Girt. Do you know anyone who hunts for meat? Sadly. I say "sadly" because it's not like they need it. Have you ever lived with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yes, although I wasn't a technical resident. I was there all the time, though. What do you wash dishes with? Sponge, scrub brush, rag, something else? A sponge. Is there anything you prefer to do the old-fashioned way? There's probably something, but I can't think of anything. Do you put your glasses and mugs right side up or upside down on the cabinet shelf? Upside-down. What was the worst part of your childhood? My parents fighting. Have you ever seen a high school relationship last long-term? (like 10+yrs) Yeah. Do you know any cancer survivors? Quite a few. Leftover pizza for breakfast... yay or nay? Good shit, man. Do you personally know anyone who's a psychopath or sociopath? I don't think so. What is your most used kitchen appliance? Lately, it's been the apple slicer. I've been on a real apple slices + peanut butter kick lately. What is something that you would personally like to be remembered for? For being a caring person towards all living things. Have you ever been diagnosed as clinically depressed before? Yes. Do you like bowling? Yeah, it's fun. Do you own binoculars or nonoculars? What do you use them for? No. Do you ever wish you had a telescope on the roof or attic to stargaze? Yeah, that'd be cool. Have you ever had to deal with someone close to you going off to war? No, thankfully. Who do you feel you have the most in common with? Sara, easily. Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? My damn self lmao. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No. My parents didn't grow up in NC. What’s one thing that people definitely CAN’T count on you for? To remember like... anything. What about something they definitely can count on you for? Someone to listen to encourage them. What’s one food that you want to try but haven’t yet? I've always thought macaroons look good. Do you have anything planned for the summer? No. Do you walk fast or slow? Slow. Would you consider yourself an adrenaline junkie? No. What is a common slang word from where you live? Plural "you" does not exist. It's "y'all," lol. What’s the scariest thing you’ve accidentally found on the internet? *shrug* Probably something as a kid, going on those sketchy websites with loads of games and stuff. Thinking of every Halloween costume you’ve had, which one was the most creative? I don't think I've had any creative costumes for Halloween. What’s one random city you want to visit? It's not exactly "random" as it's a popular location, but anyway, I would love to visit Venice. What subjects do you or did you get the worst grades in? Math. When was the last time you ate cake and what type of cake was it? That's a good question, actually. Maybe my niece's birthday in February? I don't remember what kind of cake it was. Do you have photos to go with all of the contacts in your phone? No; I don't have any. Do you like snowy winter days or do you prefer rainy days? SNOWY! Name 3 things you find most beautiful in nature: Mountains, large waterfalls, and desert dunes in the wind. If you could ask one person one questions and get a completely honest answer who would it be and what would you ask? Jason. I'd ask if he thought I was emotionally abusive. What is your favorite winter activity? Building snowmen. Who is the greatest singer who is no longer living? Freddie Mercury. What is your idea of heaven? I don't know, really... I have to ask myself IS there a heaven in eternity? Living forever just... doesn't appeal to me. "Living" is an odd word to use there, but hopefully you get it. Existing on and on and on and on seems like it'd just be a drag, but at the same time I do like the thought of feeling relentlessly happy and peaceful with my loved ones. I guess that would be my definition of it, if it does exist. What’s one of the scariest things you’ve ever done? ODed. Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through? Just once, on my 16th birthday because I was at Jason's place and all of his family was watching it. I had absolutely zero interest, but we wanted to hang with the family. If you had to move to another country, where would you move? Canada. Do you watch American Horror Story? I haven't in years. It was Jason's and my first "show," and the first season was excellent. I lost interest in the second one, honestly. I'd be up for watching other seasons, though. How many relationships have you been in this year? None. What's your favorite cereal? Probably Cinnamon Toast Crunch. That's also the only cereal where I can happily drink the milk afterwards. Twitter or Facebook? Facebook. Do you like to paint your nails? No. What's the coolest place you've ever been to? Disney World, probably. Have you ever punched anyone? No. What's something you wish you knew how to do? Cook. :/ I really need to make an effort to learn. It'd be great to not rely on a microwave for the rest of my life. What's a celebrity that everyone likes but you don't? *shrug* What food do you eat the most? Probably bread in some form or another. That really needs to stop. Green or purple grapes? Either one, but they have to be firm. I cannooooooot with soft grapes. Have you ever cried over a text? Yeah. What's the background of your phone of? My lock screen is this pretty, simplistic periwinkle color with "work on you for you" written on it. It's one I plan on keeping for probably a long time because I connect to it so deeply with my stupid damn head frequently demanding I have to improve "for Jason" to prove him wrong. Which is a very unhealthy mindset to have, I know. My home screen is a cute lil Mark edit someone made with a very similar pale blue background, so my phone is just currently an #aesthetic. Do you have a Snapchat? No. What's your favorite sports team? (if you like sports)? I don't like sports, but I'm biased towards the Carolina Hurricanes hockey team because of my dad. Last thing you ate? I had Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast. Do you take a lot of selfies? Definitely not. I just hate how I look so much; it takes way too much effort for me to get an "acceptable" one. Do you prefer strawberries or cherries? Strawberries. I hate cherries. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Maybe like, three. -_- Our A/C is still out, and it was like, 87 in the house last night. It was impossible to sleep. Do you listen to music daily? Not EVERY day, but usually. Biggest insecurity? My weight. Do you play video games? Not as much as I used to. I'd probably play way more if I actually had a PS4 + the games I'm DYING to have. Do you consider yourself lazy? "Yes, but a lot of it is also health related for my lack of energy and motivation." <<<< This for me as well. What recently made you laugh? I was watching a bit of The Nanny with Mom yesterday. We love that show. Do you like gummy bears? Yep. What was the last song you listened to? I'm randomly hooked on "My Nocturnal Serenade" by YOHIO. Like, I've known the song for a long time, but NOW I'm bingeing it???? Describe your mom with one word. Selfless. What's the biggest turn-off? Probably being misogynistic. But being a cocky ass is definitely high up there, too. What fish scares you the most? Mfkng whale sharks terrify me. How do you feel about snails? They're cuties!!! What's your favorite app? Pokemon GO. Would you rather time travel into the past or future? The future, to see what's coming. I feel like you could come back with some pretty valuable information. What is the saddest song you've ever heard? I think "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade has to come on top. What insect do you hate the most? I was reminded that stag beetles exist last night, and omfg those. Well, "hate" is the wrong word, really, I'm just terrified of them. Would you ever have a wild animal as a pet if possible? I 110% want to rescue an opossum, emphasis on "rescue." I'm not plucking one from the wild or anything like that. I would be in HEAVEN raising one of those angels. Are there any decorations that makes you happy? (lights, candles, plants..) I love those beds decorated with fairy lights, and just Christmas lights in general. Halloween and Christmas decor tend to give me sparks of happiness when I see 'em. Does race matter to you when it comes to dating? Not at all for me. When was the last time you painted something? Not since I was still in school and took a Painting course. When was the last time you really felt alive, and what were you doing? I have NO idea. What is one question you would like an answer to? Why the worst things tend to happen to good people. Name one favorite thing to do with kids while babysitting. I don't babysit, but if I was to be in charge of a kid, I'd love to teach them to play video games from my childhood. Playing Pokemon with my niece and nephew is always a blast, ahhhh. Name one flavor you like. Strawberry is pretty consistent. Name one thing you are hoping for. Venus' new terrarium soon... big sigh. I can't for the life of me find one that's a reasonable price and also adequately sized. I'm willing to put the rest of my cash into it, but Mom is helping, so I can't just buy the first one I see. Then I'd need more substrate, I seriously want a temperature gun and hygrometer, a cool hide, sticks and stuff for cover... It's going to be expensive, but I want Venus to have a truly proper environment she can thrive in. Write the name of one of your imaginary friends from when you were younger. Oddly enough, I can't remember the imaginary wolf that was my "friend." I say "oddly" because his whole idea was important to me as a weird-ass kid. Name one girl's name that starts with a "J" that you like. "Justine." Name one boy's name that starts with a "J" that you like. Maybe "Jaxson." Have you ever been kissed? Yeah. Have you ever feared that you would be killed? It's never been like, a fear I actively worry about. I just acknowledge it's always a possibility for anyone. What is the last great opportunity you missed? This was quite a while ago by now, but I'd say by dropping out of school, I really let photography opportunities slip since I became the newspaper photographer...

[rabbitsparklez]

Explaining the red rocks + Eugene’s and Rapunzel’s TRUE worst fears 

I was rewatching Be Very Afraid and I developed a headcanon about the red rocks and characters' worst fears. 

I am not a writer of this show, nor is my logic infallible, but I put together my theory on how the red rocks read people, and the possibility that they can misread people

This is my longest post yet, so grab some snacks.

Rapunzel said that her worst fear was the things Cassandra could do to Corona, and losing her as a friend, but unlike everyone else, she didn't actually see visions of her fears and wasn't screaming in terror, as Eugene observed and pointed out. Maybe the rocks only work when the victim chooses to acknowledge their fear, and if they choose to avoid thinking about their fears, the rocks won't sense their feelings.

In the previous episodes, we see that Rapunzel is obviously trying to push her thoughts about Cassandra to the back of her mind so that she can focus on her life in Corona. She's clearly still upset about it all, but she has always had the tendency to be optimistic and cheerful, even when she's upset or scared. Rapunzel chooses not to acknowledge her feelings, but others do, like Varian and Lance. Of course Varian was having visions of losing his father because of his recent traumatic experience, and he chooses to acknowledge that fear, having every reason to be afraid. Not to mention, being a teenager, Varian must think about his emotions and feelings a lot, and the rocks could easily sense that. What would be giving him nightmares and swarming his mind every day more than losing his father again? Throughout the episode, Varian had tried to keep his mind off of that so he could focus on helping Rapunzel, and mostly it worked. He didn’t see anything related to his fears until he and Rapunzel reached the chamber where the rocks originated, and he had to use the amber to eliminate their power. Varian was scared of the amber because he knew what it was capable of doing, and it was in that moment that he started seeing his fears. We see another example with Lance. He showed that he had stage fright and fear of clowns and spiders, and while he didn't openly admit that, he didn't try to push it back into his head either. When Lance decided to stop letting his fears overcome him, they shrunk and ran away, because he no longer had that fear. It appears that the person doesn't need to confess that they are afraid, but all they need to do is allow themselves to be afraid, and let those negative emotions stick in their minds.

Realizing this, I became very incredulous about Eugene's worst fear.

 The episode said that it was a cowlick, but......No. No way. Why do I think that Eugene's biggest fear wasn't a cowlick if that's what he saw? Because he allows himself to make a fuss about the way he looks. He acknowledges the fact that he hates imperfections in the way he looks, and doesn't try to push that away. His true, deep emotional feelings, on the other hand, are a different story. A while back, @timid-izzie wrote an essay that went over the possibility of him having post-traumatic trauma and the fact that he tends to hide his own fears and negative emotions, covering them up with humor. Eugene doesn't acknowledge his negative emotions and fears, and I think, similar to how Rapunzel wasn't seeing visions of Cassandra, the rocks didn't sense any of Eugene's greater fears because they are pushed into the back of his mind. Deep down, Eugene has very unbearable fears, but pushes them so far back that he doesn’t realize how badly he has them. 

A few people have compared his worst fear, being a cowlick, to the scene from “The Quest for Varian”, where he mentions the fact that he had a cowlick before Rapunzel hit him with the frying pan and it was fixed after the blow. Basically, the fact that he doesn’t have a cowlick signifies the fact that he met Rapunzel and became a better person. I agree that this theory makes sense, and it doesn’t exactly disprove what I’m saying, because the cowlick is also related to imperfections.The writers wanted a cheap way to brush him out of the picture so they can focus on Cass, so why not use vanity as an excuse to do so? With or without the significance of the frying pan, the rocks could easily sense Eugene’s discomfort regarding imperfections. But they only show his reflection, not anything related to the origin of having that fear. The rocks sense his “fear of cowlicks” as a vanity-associated thing, because they can’t read the rest of the story. They don’t know why he hates cowlicks, but only the fact that he does. Considering this, I believe that Eugene has more deep fears than just the cowlick. 

What are the rest of his worst fears, then? There are many things that Eugene has likely had negative feelings about that might be a lot worse than what he convinces himself to believe. If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. He spent a good 23 years trying to find himself and escaping his identity, having no family, no friends, no home, and no money  - until he started stealing. There are many things that can go wrong there. When he grew older, he made a lot of enemies and must have gotten into a lot of conflicts. He worked with and for very bad people who wanted to use him, and almost married an abusive and manipulative girl who only wanted him for his thieving abilities (Not to mention was way to young and naive to get married). Several notably traumatic things happened to him only in the last three years. In one day, he was sentenced to be hanged, witnessed the abuse of the woman he loved, and was stabbed and killed. No matter how much you think of others, there’s no person who can thoroughly escape such horrific events that happen to yourself. I think that Cassandra's taking the Moonstone was just as traumatic for Eugene as it was for Rapunzel, but in a different way. Remember that Eugene’s ancestors dedicated their entire family legacy to destroying that stone because it killed people, including his own mother. The Moonstone is directly the reason he was sent to an orphanage, became a notorious criminal, and received a death penalty. He forbade Rapunzel from entering the castle because he was so afraid for her safety that he didn’t want to risk losing her. Minutes after he built up the courage to let her grab it after remembering his faith in her, Cassandra took it like a piece of candy and ran away with it. He turned his back on the woman he loved to protect her and felt terrible about it, only for the stone to be stolen by someone who resented and wanted to kill her. Later, the unseen events or “No Time Like the Past” apparently forced him to stop resenting her because “friends don’t leave friends behind” (which, let’s face it, completely abolishes Flynn Rider’s persona and I hate it). But no matter what happened in that episode, I highly doubt Eugene immediately came to forgive Cassandra. The objective was to show that Cassandra was still redeemable, but it was poorly written, as a comment in “Flynnpostor” about Flynn Rider leaving people behind basically confirmed that either the events of “No Time Like the Past” never happened, or that he came back to his senses. Either way, there is no way Eugene’s (completely justified and understandable) resentment towards Cassandra just disappeared. 

It should be clarified that Eugene was not completely okay in season 3. He wanted to support Rapunzel and keep her hopes up, but logically, he would have serious problems deep inside.

 We get an example of this in "Return of the King", when he's irritated at Edmund for suddenly wanting to be part of his life after abandoning him. I've seen a lot of people point fingers at Eugene and call him rude for his hostility toward him in that episode, but honestly, I don't blame him. That was the first time he'd seen him since "Destinies Collide", and in his defense, Edmund didn't exactly welcome him with loving fatherly arms. When Eugene met his father, the first three things he had to do were accept his tragic backstory and identity crisis, dedicate himself to destroying the moonstone, and break his beloved girlfriend's heart. In actuality, Edmund is really a sweet and loving father, but Eugene didn't see that at first and it's not his fault. It wasn't until he found out that his father had kept track of him by reading his favorite books and bringing his childhood toys home that he realized just how much his father thought about him. In the finale, he admitted his resentment and confusion towards him, but that he had come to understand his motive. Until that cursed episode “No Time Like the Past”, he was very worried about Rapunzel’s behavior and the fact that she was thinking about Cass despite the fact that she almost killed her. The point is, Eugene is not immune to having emotionally painful feelings, and the writers didn't fool us when they claimed that his worst fear was a cowlick. It's an absolute pity that in a show where one of the morals is "you should never bury your feelings", one of the main characters has no story whatsoever relating to his very much real trauma.

If my theory about the rocks misreading peoples' feelings is correct, based on my observations, I don't think Rapunzel's worst fear is what she claimed it was either.

 It was not losing Cassandra as a friend. You might say I'm contradicting myself by saying this, because my original point for this theory was based off of that, but remember that Rapunzel generally does not express negative feelings. I believe that the rocks couldn't read Rapunzel's fears because she didn't allow herself to think about her fears. Perhaps losing Cassandra as a friend is one of her fears, but not her worst fear. Although she thought a lot about her, she thought in a hopeful sense rather than a miserable, negative sense.

In “Cassandra’s Revenge”, Rapunzel seemed to be completely over Cassandra, wanting to settle down and appreciate her surroundings. I’m not going to elaborate, but I’ve always regarded Cassandra’s and Rapunzel’s relationship as unhealthy, and it was especially bad for Rapunzel to keep wanting Cass to be back because Mother Gothel, her former abuser, was the motive. I saw this episode as a way to show that she was over her - she even painted over the pictures of her on her wall. But afterward she still seemed to care a lot about bringing her back, and even sang a song about wanting to do anything for her (which I don’t believe, seeing that she would use an incantation on her to save Eugene, showing that she wouldn’t give him up for her). Part of me sees this as another poorly written, contradictory scene that tried to cram in Cassandra’s potential to be redeemed, because, for her own mentality, Rapunzel should be over her. But I don’t think all of that was thought out in that way. Rapunzel still continued to pine onto Cassandra and bringing her back, but that came from her compassion for her rather than a deep and serious emotional feeling. The entire “Cass is still redeemable” arc was aimed to show that Rapunzel has compassion for everyone and won’t give up. It was not a matter of having a truly passionate fear of losing Cassandra, and I highly doubt that that was Rapunzel’s worst fear.

Similar to Eugene, I believe she has certain trigger fears that are buried deep down inside of her.

 I'm specifically thinking about "Rapunzeltopia", when Matthews controlled her dreams. According to Matthews, the things that he showed her were her worst nightmares. She saw Mother Gothel restraining her, Corona acting hostile, her fear of touching the rocks, and.... Cassandra. But it was not in a "afraid to lose her as a friend" sense. Cassandra was attacking her and blaming her for her problems. She tried to kill her and take revenge for getting her arm burnt. These visions must have had a more valid representation of Rapunzel's fears than the rocks did, because Matthews had entered and taken control of her mind. The rocks (again, if this is correct) merely read peoples' visible feelings; Matthews went inside her head and brought out her traumas, her true fears. A lot of people seem to think that Rapunzel has completely forgotten about Mother Gothel and what she did to her, but that is not true. I believe that Rapunzel’s fears are masked by her positive attitude, and this precisely was why the rocks couldn’t see through her, similar to Eugene. When she saw Mother Gothel keeping her in the tower, she was chained up. There was one time ever when Mother Gothel chained Rapunzel up. That was the day Rapunzel found out her life was a lie, was almost buried in a dungeon for life, saw the love of her life get murdered before her eyes (and might have partially thought it was her fault), and experienced other dramatic changes in her life - especially the part about losing Eugene. Throughout the series, Rapunzel has shown a particular weakness whenever she thought she would be separated from Eugene or lose him. He is her first friend, aside from Pascal, and an infinitely close and beloved one. He was the first person to ever show compassion towards her and care about her, which was the thing she never received from Mother Gothel. Whether she’d realized it or not, she had always craved that sort of attention and love, and Eugene gave it to her. She holds him especially close, not just as her lover but as a friend, because he repaired her life. Whenever his life was at risk, Rapunzel became especially desperate: He was what sparked her to use the Reverse Incantation on Hector to defeat (and possibly even KILL) him. Similarly, she used another potentially dangerous incantation to fight for him when Cassandra threatened to kill him (proof that she would not give anything for her). She stopped and dropped in the middle of a fight with Zhan Tiri because she saw him lying on the ground, possibly thinking he was dead (True, anyone would be concerned for someone they love if they saw them on the ground, but I can’t help but notice they were in a very similar position that they were when he died) Eugene has always been Rapunzel’s #1 priority, and I have a strong feeling that besides loving him above all else, she has the fear of revisiting that traumatic moment in which she lost him. Maybe she even felt responsible for letting that happen to him, especially since Mother Gothel made everything her fault.

I believe, among the other things she saw in that episode, Rapunzel's true worst fear was that day - that fateful day in which she found out her life was a lie and lost the one person who truly loved her.

Well I might be seriously overthinking this and be completely wrong, but from my POV it makes sense. People take trauma in different ways, depending on how seriously affected they are, who they are as a person, and their capacity to rise or fall from their demons. I truly believe that despite their natural optimism and resilience, both Rapunzel and Eugene have deeper fears and traumas than what is focused on in the show. We know as a fact that this show isn't afraid to let the audience know that characters suffer mental afflictions, such as Frederick and Varian, so why wouldn't characters like Rapunzel and Eugene, who have been through so much, suffer the same?

I hope you enjoyed reading this post and if not I thank you anyway.

Note:

I’d love to hear what you think, but please, if you have any questions or comments regarding this theory of mine, do not message me with the chat. I will not be active on Tumblr for a while. (You may use my ask box)

[razorblade180]

So I finished Age of Calamity

[spoilers]

Thanks to the beauty of holiday time off I have logged in 40 plus hours into this game and just beaten it, so naturally I’m gonna talk about it a bit. I’ll save the spoiler stuff for a little later though.

The game

This game might be my favorite game of 2020, or at least top three. Not just because of the world, but because everything is over the top! So far I’ve done 131 missions and 90% has the consistent energy of “we are fucking under attack” and it’s almost overwhelming in the best way possible. It really felt like you were on a battlefield field. Your map is just a sea of red and it’s your job to clean it up. What kept me engaged in the fights was all of the character’s different uses runes. I found myself constantly ordering my teammates to face certain enemy types that match best with how they fight.

Originally, I really wanted to be fair and rotate between characters. That didn’t last long. Mipha and Link in my opinion don’t have a single bad move. The bias only got worse whenever the master sword is obtained. Before that, my Link had a spear most of the time but that sword is just handy. Especially with item drop rate and attack range on it. In the end, my strongest characters were Link 74, Mipha 70, Impa 60, and Zelda 60. It’s been awhile since I played the first hyrule warriors so I can’t remember if they had the level up system were you can pay for experience but or definitely came in handy. Combine that with how many guardians were in this game and I quickly found out I needed Link with a shield on a regular bases. I also learned I didn’t forget how to time a vase amount of blocks and dodges.

The amount of characters you get to play quickly became too massive for me to juggle, but they all had their own merits for the most part, though I did find a few of the gimmick characters a bit of a hassle. My opinion on who was viable was constantly changing as I unlocked more combos. Originally, wasn’t the biggest fan of Urbosa. That second and fifth combo modifier changed everything.

The real portion of the game that really kept me wanting to play more was not only the ability to order other people, but seeing them fight along side you. I’m a softie for things like this, but genuinely felt relieved or hyped whenever I was fighting something crazy and I can see Impa rushing over towards me while text from soldiers scream “Just keep pushing!!!!” The AI wasn’t dumb either! There’s plenty of moments that controllable and NPC characters will just go where they’re supposed to, or kill targeted enemies. I remember not wanting to switch over to Link because he had low health, so as I’m running over to him as Mipha to heal him, the madman kills the Lynel. Ran all the way over there to watch him flex. That combined with elemental reactions you can cause in a fight, and the entire spectacle just felt elevated. The feeling of fighting three Lynel’s at once becomes a little less scary when you have a lightning rod and puddles everywhere.

The only negative I found in a gameplay perspective is some of the resource gathering. Gaining the trophy notes for killing a type of enemy isn’t too much of a hassle, but I found getting the materials they drop to be a bit harder, even with increased drop rate statuses. Most of this I find irritating for two reasons. One, specialized enemies show up in relatively small groups in a majority of missions, so getting things from them could be a flop altogether. Number two, a fair amount of these missions take a decent chunk of time if you’re being thorough and killing as much as possible. So grinding is a pain. Fortunately most missions a majority of what you need . If the game wanted chu chu jelly, I knew one of the missions coming up had chu chu as an enemy. You could also keep track of what you needed with material sensor that told you when you had enough.

The story

I’ll be honest, I was upset with this game for a hot second. It was advertised as a prequel to BoTW and while sad, I was truly invested to playing the events that lead to the fall of the champions. What this game didn’t tell you is it’s like most LoZ games, on its own separate part of the timeline. This isn’t the story of they lost. It’s the story of how they win, thanks to the little adorable robot mascot that has the ability to not only show the future, but bring people from the future; the champion’s descendants. At first I was upset with this. Mainly because I’m a little tired of time travel plots and it felt really out of place here. However, time travel gave way more to this game than what I expected this game to have in the first place. It allowed at least six more playable characters that wouldn’t have been possible in the other timeline, and a wellspring of interactions through missions. Every time Mipha was with Sidon, I smiled. Having Urbosa being this super encouraging role model to Riju was so nice since BoTW had expressed just how much those two admired and missed those people. Revali was nice to Teba! They were vibing. Even the soldier commentary on the new champions were a treat. So I got over the time travel issue pretty quick. It made things sad as well when the new generation leaves because they’re going back to a time where they lost it all. There was no great union that took place across hyrule to fight Ganon and their beloved champions failed. I do appreciate that the diverge in the timeline really takes place on the day they’re supposed to die, moments before the final blow. It still lets the player see the definitive moment where good was supposed to lose.

The “new” villain is meh. I wouldn’t really say he stands out. His entire thing is thinking he’s gonna win because he doesn’t realize that he isn’t seeing hyrule’s future. He’s seeing another hyrule’s future. What comes out of his character is cool though because it gives a different, yet same finale boss. I wasn’t expecting to basically fight a giant Ganondorf. Honestly, you can kinda say you fought Demise. At least aesthetically speaking. Or Yuga. This game has also made me care about robot. Something I haven’t done in awhile. A few scenes near the end felt hammy, but also amazingly realistic to how a lot of people would feel when someone breaks your favorite thing. The war was already personal, but now it’s really personal. Quests open up after the game that plays on those emotions too. It’s very clever.

Overall, Age of Calamities story felt like a love letter to everyone who loves this rendition of hyrule and the characters in it. They even another one named Sooga, who just might be my favorite. That man has no choice but to be the brain and muscle of the Yiga. It kinda makes me sad he’s introduced here because you can assume he didn’t make it in the other timeline, so he has no descendents. The amount of serotonin I felt just seeing all of these characters fighting together as the absolutely conquer the battlefield was more than satisfying. Definitely worth the money. I don’t know if they can, but Nintendo might wanna consider some sort of audio patch. The mixing is bad in certain parts. Voice lines get really quiet. Other than that, this game is real solid. I’d give it an 8.5/10

Side note

The music is really good. Especially the Zoe’s demain track. Also, I never noticed frame rate dropping or lag, except on two occasions. Both of these happened to be me pushing the game to its limits. The first is being surrounded by enemies in a small space as Mipha. Creating the water vortex and raining down bombs makes the game wanna cry a little. The second one is a similar case. Sidon’s fifth or sixth combo made the made the game drop frames because it’s incredibly fast, involves timing, makes a vortex, and i was in a small space with tons of enemies. Other than that, not even Urbosa’s or Riju’s lightning made the game freak out from what I noticed. That may have something to do with me never using them in a place where there’s constant rain. That might actually be the cause of the drop in combination of everything else.

[flutteringphalanges]

                              The Necronomicon For Babies

Sequel to the one-shot: A Soul For Two

Summary:  Sequel to the one-shot, "A Soul For Two", we find Maze and the others exactly one year later after the infamous demon became a mother. As the party prepares to celebrate little Eden's first birthday, an unexpected guest shows up on Chloe's and Lucifer's doorstep. A certain someone from Maze's past. A clue as to who Eden's father could really be.

Chapters: 1/2

Read on FFN and AO3

A/N: A sequel to my mini fic (two chapters) "A Soul For Two" in which we visit Maze a year after she became a mom. As everyone gathers to celebrate the now one year old Eden's birthday, an unexpected stranger from Maze's past shows up on Chloe's and Lucifer's front door step. What drama will ensue?! Here's part one! Feedback is greatly loved and appreciated! -Jen

                                                    Part One

Bubbly. That's the one word Mazikeen Smith would use to describe her daughter's nursery. If it had been up to her, the design would be more dark. Abysmal. But in the best, loving way possible. If it had been left up to her, Eden's room would've depicted the very essence of Hell. Apparently though, according to all of her friends-even Lucifer, who took Chloe's side-said that wasn't appropriate for a child. Instead it was filled with shades of pinks and purples, toys both plush and academic, and more frilly outfits than the demon could count.

"Surely you're going to dress her in something more...well, happier than that." Linda commented as the demon struggled to put the squirming baby into a black, velveteen dress. "It's her first birthday party, not a funeral."

"The head bow has sequins on it. That's as extreme as I'm willing to go." The demon replied, finally getting her daughter situated in the outfit. "There, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that." She motioned at the baby who had taken to chewing on her own fist. "I didn't even get a birthday party as a kid. Much less dressed for one. Black is the new...well, black."

The therapist, though incredulous of her best friend's tastes, sighed in defeat. "I guess the sparkles do help." She smiled as Eden's dark eyes met hers. "It seems like only yesterday that she was born."

"You humans and your perspective of time…" Maze tutted, lifting the one year old up. "Have you heard from Chloe? I told her I didn't want her to go overboard with this. Especially since she went behind my back and told Ella of all people she could help." The demon sighed and studied her daughter carefully. "As long as those decorations are put away for the day. It's Eden's birthday, not...it's her day."

Christmas. The word Maze couldn't bring herself to say. If she had to rank human holidays from least to greatest, Christmas would be in the negatives with Halloween at the top. Perhaps she had gone a little overboard with Eden's costume that year. It wasn't as if someone told her zombie babies weren't all the rage that year. So what if she overindulged just a little with the fake blood? For someone playing the part of "the undead" she was the cutest rotting corpse in all of the cemetery. At least Trixie thought it was cool.

"I've been in contact with her this whole time." Linda assured her. "Just birthday decor, other stuff's been set aside until after you leave. Funny enough, Trixie's been more excited for all of this than opening her own presents…" The therapist paused for a moment. "I was told you gave her something...unexpected."

"Hm?" Maze inquired, fixated on stuffing the diaper bag. "Oh, you mean the tecpatl. Just an Aztec blade I found in my mother's stuff. Come to think of it, it might've been used on her. Anyway, it was one of the few things of hers I took. Thought I could do something with it and Trixie seems to appreciate my choice in weaponry more than the rest of you."

"Trixie is also thirteen and could easily get expelled from school if she accidentally left it in her pocket during class." Her friend retorted. "Knives aren't for kids, Maze."

"I know." The demon replied, rolling her eyes. "You haven't seen Eden with one yet."

"And I hope it stays that way for a long while." Linda answered, letting out a soft, nervous chuckle. "I will say though, Maze, motherhood has looked great on you. I mean, Eden has flourished. Surpassing most of her milestones. I actually feel a little guilty for the doubt I felt in the beginning." She paused before quickly adding. "Just a teeny, tiny amount of concern."

"Well, I'm not Lilith." Her friend answered, slightly insulted by Linda's comment. "I remember how I was raised and made a promise to myself that I wouldn't subject Eden to that." She grinned as she held the baby to her face. "No abandonment in Hell for you, my precious sinner."

"We seriously need to work on better nicknames." The therapist snorted as she grabbed her purse. "Most people might not take it the right way when you call a baby a sinner."

"Amenadiel already lectured me last week when he heard me call her a fallen angel despite the affection behind it." Maze muttered. "I mean, Chloe calls Trixie "Monkey". What kind of name is that? And you with Charlie…"Peanut"? Where's the creativity? Never mind," she shook her head. "I'll think of something eventually that is at least reasonably acceptable to the general public."

The drive to Chloe's was mostly quiet, Eden having fallen asleep mere moments after Linda started the car. Maze gazed out the passenger side window thoughtfully, watching as the trees whizzed by and became buildings. Something was on her mind. Something unsettling that she just couldn't quite put her finger on. Perhaps it simply was due to it being Christmas. The demon had always despised the holiday. On more than one occasion than she was unwilling to admit, she'd nearly impaled Dan's hand with a fork when he jokingly called her a Scrooge-and even the Grinch reincarnated. Though she did look good in green.

"Something on your mind?" Linda inquired, tearing Maze away from her thoughts. "You look worried."

"I'm fine." She mumbled, inhaling deeply. "Just taking the day in...it's a big one."

"Not everyday your kid turns one." Her friend agreed with a smile as they turned into the parking lot. "I remember Charlie's so well. I can't believe we went with the Cookie Monster cake. I was scrubbing blue stains out of his clothes for hours. That icing had so much dye in it, it turned his poop blue. Nearly gave Amenadiel a heart attack. He thought something was wrong."

"Amenadiel's anxiety is almost unbearable." The demon replied, folding her arms over her chest. "I don't know how you do it. I know so many women in Hell who've killed their spouses simply because they drive them mad."

"I'm a therapist." Linda chuckled as she turned off the car. "I'm equipped to deal with that sort of thing. And besides, it's kind of sweet in a way…" She stepped out of the car, eyes glancing at a set of balloons bound to a doorknob. "Even if in the beginning, he literally tried to take my son to Heaven without me. Not the best moment in our relationship."

"Well, if you ever do decide to off him." Maze said, leaving her own seat to retrieve Eden. "I'll help you dispose of the body. Trust me, when I'm done, it'll be untraceable."

"...I'll keep that in mind…" Her friend responded slowly, a little disturbed by the woman's words. "But I think I'm good."

"All the same." The demon stated, Eden's face scrunching up as the sunlight hit it. Maze pulled the canopy down and the baby seemed to drift back to sleep. "What are friends for?"

"Why don't you go on and take her inside?" Linda suggested, quickly changing the conversation. "I'll grab the presents from the trunk. Looks like Amenadiel's car is already here, you can send him out to help. I'm sure Charlie is fine in his playpen. We got him this new toy that speaks French. Fingers crossed he can start picking up some of the language."

"I told you, I'd be more than happy to teach him Lilim." Maze called over her shoulder as she lugged the baby seat towards the stairs. "Perfect for whenever he decides he wants to visit Hell."

"After what happened when he was born. I don't want him stepping a foot near that place." Her friend answered. "A trip to France when he is old enough is good enough for me...but I appreciate the offer as always."

"Well, if you decide otherwise, it's still on the table." Maze smirked. "Though, I can equally be a translator if he ever wants a trip down there. Maybe with Amenadiel. Lucifer told me how it made him squirm. How I'd love a good show."

"I love you, but you do have a way of scaring me sometimes, Mazikeen," Linda replied. "It's a good thing we're friends."

"Yes," the demon agreed. "It's a very good thing."

Black. Blue. Red. A smidge of pink. No purple. For a split second, Maze was convinced she had walked into the wrong party until a certain girl came sprinting across the floorboards. Trixie Espinoza sporting pigtails painted with blue and pink hair chalk, smudged eye makeup, a ridiculous amount of red lipstick, and a familiar costume grinned widely at her.

"I'm Harley Quinn!" She stated as if it needed to be known. "Mom thought you wouldn't want a normal birthday for Eden, so I thought this would be cool!" She motioned around the room. "Do you like it?! Harley Quinn is awesome! She kicks as-butt, like you!" Trixie peered into the carrier. "Awe, she's asleep?" There was disappointment in her voice. "She's gonna wake up, right?"

As if summoned by the girl's words, Eden's eyes slowly opened and her mouth formed a surprisingly wide yawn. Maze undid the clips that strapped the baby into the seat and lifted her up into the air. This certainly hadn't been what she was expecting, but she was not about to argue against the theme.

"Normally, I would've assumed you'd have shown her this movie. But the guilty party this time is Lucifer."

Chloe smiled as she exited the kitchen, attention fixed on her honorary niece. She wore an apron, but it didn't appear to be as messy as one might assume when someone cooks. It was only when the demon saw the Devil peer out from behind the wall and note the smudges of flour and icing on his sleeves and shirt did she realize the true chef. The mastermind behind the whole feast.

"Be thankful one of us knows how to properly bake." Lucifer smirked as he wiped his hands on a dishrag. "The Detective's cupcakes were looking a little on the failed Pinterest side."

"Cake is cake." Chloe huffed, elbowing her boyfriend lightly. "Looks can be deceiving. They might even taste better than yours...despite the melted frosting."

"Believe what you will." Her partner smiled. "But I am the ruler of the kitchen and my reign has yet to be taken over. Although, brownie points towards your egg toast."

"Uncle Luci has no idea what he's talking about." The Detective crooned, tickling one of the baby's feet. "He's just insecure about his own baking abilities and tries to hide it." She straightened up so that she was face to face with Maze. "May I?"

"Pretty sure she has a dirty diaper, but sure." The demon replied, gingerly handing the baby over. "You guys didn't have to do all of this."

"We're family, Maze." Chloe smiled. "And trust me, this is just…"

"OH MY GOD!"

The adults and Trixie turned to see Ella, her costume in much greater detail than Trixie's, standing in the doorway. Behind her Dan juggled what looked like to be a few boxes of presents and a tub of ice cream. The overly excited scientist nearly tripped over her own to feet as she made her way over to the group.

"I just saw you last week and it's like you've gotten bigger since!" Ella gushed, adjusting Eden's bow. "Stop growing up so fast! You're going to make me cry!" She looked from Chloe to Maze. "Can I hold her?! Let me hold her!"

"Gotta wait your turn," Chloe stated. "I just got her."

"You suck, Decker." Ella pouted before her attention was redirected to Trixie. "Costume buddies!" And Maze couldn't help but roll her eyes and slightly smile as the two high fived. Humans. "Anyway, Amenadiel is out there helping Linda. Can I assist in any way?"

"Charlie's in the other room in his playpen where Trixie is supposed to be watching him." The Detective said eyeing her daughter. "Maybe make sure he isn't getting into anything?"

"He's fine, Mom." Trixie said with a wave of her hand. "I put Spongebob on. Amenadiel had Discovery Channel on and it was too boring. He seems to like it better anyways."

"All the same," Chloe continued. "He's a toddler and they like to get into things. The last thing we need is for something like that to happen." Her eyes flickered over to Dan who was still trying not to drop his items. "Remember when Trixie was three and somehow got into the medicine cabinet and drank half a bottle of cough syrup?"

"Poison Control probably thought someone was murdered the way you were panicking." Dan laughed slightly out of breath. "Can I maybe put these somewhere?"

"I don't know, I'm rather enjoying watching you play circus, Daniel." Lucifer sneered, earning him a glare from Chloe. "Alright, alright, fine. I suppose the kitchen table will do for the gifts and the ice cream in the freezer obviously." He shook his head and turned to his partner once the other man was out of sight. "Did we really have to invite him?" Another glower. "Fine, fine. I'll go do something to keep myself busy. Perhaps Amenadiel and Linda need help."

"I made Linda a similar offer earlier." Maze began as Chloe bounced Eden in her arms. "If you need me to dispose of Lucifer, just say the word."

"I think Mama needs to go out on a few bounties." The Detective cooed, staring at the demon as she spoke to the infant. "You can stay here for a few nights and we'll be just fine and dandy, isn't that right, Eden?"

Maze frowned at the woman's words. "I'm perfectly fine." She informed her, reaching forward to snatch her daughter back. "Right now, I am more than happy to focus on my kid...there will always be other jobs."

Though as the weeks turned into months, she had grown weary of sitting around the house. A thought that made her feel guilty. An idea that it was wrong of her to want to work instead of staying back with her child and focusing her attention there.

"Maze," Chloe's voice was softer this time. "It's been a year. There is no shame going back to work."

"I said I'm fine!" The demon insisted almost forcefully. "I'll go when I'm ready and right now...right now, I have things to do. Important things." Her stare met Eden's and the baby smiled. She did her best to return the gesture, but the thoughts of diapers and midnight bottles crossed her mind as they often did. "We're happy."

Before the Detective could open her mouth to reply, Linda, Amenadiel, and Lucifer stepped through the front door. Eden giggled, though she most likely had no idea that the boxes the adults carried were gifts for her. The thoughts left Maze's mind as the presents were piled on to one another. This was way more than the demon had expected. Almost excessive.

"Did you guys buy an entire store?" Maze half joked as she took it all in. "The kid's favorite thing at the moment is a spoon. Really, you didn't…"

"We know." They all said in unison.

Maze just shook her head in disbelief and bounced Eden in her arms. "You're a lucky kid." She commented, looking at the others. "Why don't we get this party started?"

And, like clockwork, as if the world and fate itself knew, there came a knock at the door. A knock that caused that bubbling in the pit of Maze's stomach to start up again. Chloe looked around confused as if recounting all of the guests.

"Did someone order something?"

Curiously, the Detective made her way to the front door and opened it. Maze felt her blood run cold, arms tightening around Eden as she stared dumbfounded at the stranger who gazed back equally as shocked. A man she hadn't seen well over a year. Someone she hadn't wanted to see at all.

Ben Rivers.

[lucifer-kane]

Finally my side of this whole KFAM debacle

I’ve never had to write something like this before, so here we go. I know that there have been other people who have said things on this topic, people who I’m very grateful towards in all of this, who have come forward in this… strange time. I feel like I finally can say something after freaking out for a few days and talking with others as well online who are on this side of it all. But I feel like I finally need to say something as…. Probably the person who really started it all, I guess? As the one who made the post saying “Me casting death of the author onto kfam” Because I was finally fed up with just everything I had learned over the last year + of talking about criticisms in the show and of the creators/writers. I spent months talking to others on at least two different servers about all of this, from learning it myself, to being here in this position of what’s currently going on.

A lot started a few months ago in the Official Server, when a graphic artist posted an edit of a character of the show in BDSM gear, which, automatically, is NSFW. Some had issues and said that it got taken down, then a few hours later uploaded it once more with a spoiler cover over it. Friday morning, it happened again, this time with a group shot, but he was still there. Now. I don’t think I would have issues with this if it was posted on a server with specific channels for 18+ members of it only. But it wasn’t, and this server is a SFW only, but apparently “canon compliant” NSFW is a-okay. Which, I think is utterly ridiculous, because minors are still in there, and that should not be allowed. If you’re going to allow that stuff, at least have designated channels where only 18+ members can opt in to see that sort of thing. You can’t have both.

Two people called this out, one directly sending an @ to the mods in said server, and it was a little bit before a response happened, then two other messages were taken down, the message with the @ left in it. Kyle had also retweeted the art on twitter, and while I don’t think that was such a bad thing, his response to at least adding a warning that it was NSFW, was pretty unprofessional. The person who asked Kyle to say as such, was bullied by both Kyle and Trent on twitter as well.

Now, onto my DotA post once more. After posting that I had a few hours of chillness, up until in the middle of a call with friends, I looked over to my discord list of servers I was in, and the Official was no longer there. I panicked, left the call, and cried for a long time about it, because despite my criticism, I loved being there! I told my friends on this server, where the criticism was most of the time, and there was a few hour period of questioning what the hell was going on. It was late at night, and everyone was confused. No one would give reasoning to what was going on. Until I was vagued to have been a problem for a long time.

Now, it may have been my bluntness when it comes to text, bc you know, autism! But I don't think I've ever done anything that would warrant people to be uncomfortable, other than criticize the show (and the server at times) on my personal tumblr (twitter on occasion). Which I can see as being upset about that, but I was way too damn scared to PM a mod to talk about what was going on, because at this point, it was very obvious they hated me. I didn’t like that they never came to talk, like a civilized person, about all this. I don't want to make people uncomfortable, that's the last goddamn thing I wanna do in this world.

Now, we’re here. A few days after everything went down, to what I feel like was a simple miscommunication, I would never wish death on someone at all, that’s disgusting behavior and I don’t like that Kyle even vagued that I did such a thing. I have never interacted with him at all, even when he would come and talk on the server. I actively tried to avoid interactions with the creators because I’m not a fan of creators being this close to their fanbase, where people have actively said it makes them uncomfortable.

I love this podcast a lot, for the first year I praised it like others did as well, but then, I read some things about Kyle, and then some of the things in the show. We all know those things, the Hellen Keller episode, how Lily is written, Jacob in his whole character, and the racism in Walt. But I started being critical on main, voicing my thoughts and concerns. Because criticism is an okay thing, it helps artists grow in the things they do. And I understand not liking criticism, I don’t like it sometimes, but sometimes it’s needed, to move your art forward. Kyle’s reaction to criticism is that of a man who doesn’t have thick skin and doesn’t wanna be proven wrong in the things he does.

As of now, because of all this, I’ve been blocked from the KFAM twitter, Kyle himself, and I think the tumblr as well (Or at least they’ve unfollowed me, I don’t care enough to check on there). And I’ve seen my friends get bullied by the creator of this show, and even members of the community. While at a lesser scale than Kyle, it’s still gross to see the fanbase act like this, especially acting like my friends and I are actively bullying them, when we just wanted one piece of art to be taken down from a space that, in all reality, has a lot of minors in it.

And finally, I just wanna talk about the server in general. I joined maybe six months after getting into the show, we were pretty far into the first hiatus at this point and I wanted more content, so, I finally beat my discord anxiety down and joined. And I had so much fun! I talked to people who I still think about, posted art, fics, did headcanons all the time. I talked in there quite a bit up until I got kicked. But the overall vibe of the discord after being there longer than a month, was not the greatest. And it took me longer than average to notice, shortly before posting public criticisms. This was when I started getting ignored more often than not, and not that everyone did that, I still had people talk to me, which was nice. But as time went on, this happened more and more, to more and more people.

People who saw my criticisms, and came to me, mostly anonymously, to say they felt the exact same way. And that’s… not a good thing. The whole “Only happy things, no negativity about the show!” attitude that is in there, is bad. You can’t criticize something you love, and if you do, you’re dogpiled onto until you shut up. This has happened to many people, not just me. There’s times where queer members of this community, will talk about themseles as some lgbt+/queer fans do. Saying things along the line of “___ is gay culture!” or “I think [x] is trans!!” and they’ll either get ignored (in the latter case) or just someone won't get the first one is a joke and get upset. Which, I can see if you’re new to a place where people say that, but don’t outright shut someone down like that, ask what it means. That goes for anything.

I enjoyed my time there, and I was super upset when I found myself kicked, distraught even. Then they started kicking more people without even a word which isn’t how you run a server, no one should get an instant ban without being talked to, and I think I would be less upset if I had been talked to, to at least tell my side. But no, I got this, and here we are. With multiple testimonies that aren’t my own, telling how horrible that server is towards some people who they don’t like, who speak out, who say “Hey maybe we should do [x].” And that’s… Not the safe environment they say they have, because I, among many others. Was also super uncomfortable when it came to some things in there.

As a queer member of this community, I, and others like me, felt ignored. Ignored in the criticism of their queer characters who were written by non-queer men, and then, as stated above. Upset at literally everything else that wasn’t good in their show. But now, we’re being painted as the villains in a way, being bullied by the creator, and others acting like nothing is going wrong. But that’s all I have to say, if prompted, I will talk more on any subject here.

I’m not angry, I never once was. At this point I find more saddened amusement in all of this, rather than anger. But. That is all, thank you for your time on this subject.

[aropippin]

hello this is a long post, sorry. don’t feel like you need to read it.

this may be incoherent, it’s kind of a mind dump and to be honest i’m a little tipsy writing it. this is probably a little tmi and no one is asking for this explanation but it’s something that’s been lingering in my mind for a while. also i talk about things through the lens of summer vs. fall vs. spring because i was in college for most of this and that’s how our semesters worked (and how i categorize time).

i feel a little bit of an elephant in the room since returning to tumblr (now more than ever since i’m online more frequently than i have been for a couple of years) when i talk about certain things in my life and particularly my boyfriend. 

the last time i was really active was over three years ago. at that time i was still 100% identifying as aromantic and asexual (i’ll say aroace from here on out), it was something that was very important to my identity. i very actively talked about it on here and it was an active part of who i was. i very genuinely did not have any interest in dating and experienced pretty much no attraction to people outside of aesthetic (and a lot of that went hand in hand with my dysphoria, i saw other men and wanted to look like them). at this point i was sex repulsed and honestly pretty romance repulsed as well. 

i’d be identifying as aroace for at least four or five years after breaking up with my high school boyfriend (put a pin in that thought). i was very stable in that identity including through questioning my gender identity and that first few months of me knowing i was trans.spring of 2017 was interesting because i developed a crush for the first time since i was  freshman in high school (so it had been like five years). i won’t go super into it, but for the first time i was interesting in pursuing a relationship. it was something i thought about a lot and i liked him a lot. in the end, it kind of fizzled out after a couple of months but we’re putting a pin in this too. 

after it ended i didn’t think about it too much. this was the point that i publicly started transitioning. when we came back around fall of that year, i noticed a shift. i wasn’t really attracted to anyone nor did i really want to date but i was jealous of my very close friend. this was maybe seven months into her relationship at the time and i was jealous of her boyfriend because we had spent so much time together the previous year but it felt like i was barely seeing her. i thought i might have had a crush on her and even told a few close friends that i thought i did but to this day i’m not really sure. i had similar feelings growing up (middle/high school) with my close female friends. i think i really was looking for attention, not in a negative way but just in general; i saw that other people had people looking at them and liking them and i wanted it too. and to be fair, i got a little bit of attention at parties from girls it was super affirming to me and felt great.

at this point i felt like i couldn’t really identify as aromantic anymore but i still felt very asexual; the lines were very blurry but that’s kind of where we were at. well late next spring me and the guy who didn’t work out last time agreed to actually try and date. to be honest, it was a hit or miss experience; he just wasn’t really int he place to date but we wanted to give it a try. the biggest takeaways were that it was barely romantic and 0% sexual but it was a relationship and 100x healthier than the last one i was in. in the end, we just decided that it wasn’t working and we’d be better as friends. i ended it and didn’t expect to be in any other relationship any time soon. i was wrong.

within like a month of breaking up with that guy, i met my current boyfriend whose name is josh. we met fall of 2018 at band. we talked a couple of times at camp but it wasn’t a big thing and then at our second party, he got crossed and i spent a lot of time taking care of him (and he spent a lot of time soft flirting with me). i had been a little fixated on him during camp, which is generally how my feelings towards people (platonic or romantic) had manifested in the past but it wasn’t a Thing until he started texting me afterward. i had such a strong response.

it was a interesting time that i won’t go super in depth with, but he wasn’t out at the time and i wasn’t sure he was into guys. i quickly found out that he was and that he was into me. and i ended up being into him. it was a very strange experience for me. i had dated two guys before but both of those were slow burns, we were friends and hung out and then months later started to date. but with josh i had met him and within about a month we were dating. it was messier and more complex than i’m getting into but it happened. and i was more than okay with it, i was happy. pretty early in i sat him down and told him how sex repulsed and that i had some traumatic dating experiences in the past and he was very open and supportive of however this needed to go.

but like, not to be tmi but within a month of dating we had sex (both for the first time) and while it wasn’t great to begin with, it wasn’t the traumatic experience that i thought it would be. and it generally only improved over time. i got much more open about it and we figured stuff out together.

okay, so here’s the pinned thought. in high school i dated a guy for two years. at this point i was not aware that i was trans so this was a “straight” relationship. he was terrible to me for a lot of it. to be fair, i was dealing with a lot of dysphoria that i couldn’t place however he was pretty constantly pushing my boundaries on what i felt comfortable with physically. he would either freeze me out or just get upset if i didn’t want to do things he wanted to do and would even do this while i was having a panic attack and couldn’t function out of fear. he and his friends made fun of me and called me frigid and a prude and said that our relationship was meaningless because we didn’t do enough physically/sexually. i left this relationship pretty fucked up and that’s without taking the dysphoria i was dealing with into account. he continued to be emotionally abusive to me for years after that.

and if i’m being honest, i think a lot of that played into my feelings and identifying as aroace. i think the majority of it was because of my traumatic experiences but my dysphoria played into it too. and honestly i hate that. i feel like i betrayed all of the people that i used to talk about it with when i stopped identifying that way, but it got to the point where it wasn’t something productive in my life anymore. 

if i were to psychoanalyze myself and go into micro-identities, i’d say i probably still exist on both the ace and aro spectrums. i really have such limited physical attraction to other people and i really don’t know that i could identify it really as sexual attraction. and even romantically, i still think that i probably experience some level of being aro but i don’t think either term serves me anymore. they used to be important, they made me feel safe and understood which i desperately needed, but now they don’t.

i don’t define my sexuality in any strong terms. i’m queer. i say i’m bi for the functionality of it, but in the end i’m just not straight. i’m into people, gender doesn’t play a big part in it, and that’s just kind of where i’m at. i know this was long and convoluted, but some part of me felt that it was important to talk about the shift i’ve felt over the last few years. i feel guilty because aro and/or ace people often times are faced with people saying, “oh you’ll grow out of it” and i feel bad for playing into this narrative but it’s where i’m at. especially after transitioning, defining my sexuality became a lot less important to me because i was more comfortable with myself.

anyway, mostly unrelated but i am not changing my url (i have a brand to maintain) lol and pls like this if you read to this point

[catcherisms]

Fuck off you overly negative snowflake

okay, thank you, anon — i need this. i had a pretty tough day at work and i really fucking needed this. am i being sarcastic? no, i’m not. on my drive home, i was thinking some *gasp* NEGATIVE *gasp* shit and i was thinking about how i was going to write my THOUGHTS on the situation that happened a couple of days ago pertaining to toxic positivity. but, i was like “no, let it go. you’re above that. people like this don’t fucking listen or learn a thing because they’re so scared of any negative thought — even if it isn’t directed toward them.” i was going to swallow my words and get over it despite this whole situation making me very discouraged from writing with anyone on here. but, you know what, you gave me a reason — so here i am.

first off, good job for being the PERFECT example of what i was talking about. this is such a POSITIVE hate anon and it’s so cute. i cherish this. you all want to tout being positive and looking at all the good things while not really wanting to acknowledge that some people might have negative thoughts and opinions? tell me why you want to be so positive, but you send shit like this? this isn’t the first fucking hate received, either. you wanted to say that your shit was RUINED because someone gave their fucking opinion on the rp community in general? get a fucking grip. no one and nothing was targeted specifically. but, you wanted to act like you were so good and great by lashing out against negative emotion and saying that a vent post was targeting one person or one thing specifically. wow, good job — you’re a fucking fool.

are you going to say i’m too sensitive? wow, it’s like, maybe, i’ve been a victim of toxic positivity and abuse my whole life. when my dad said “just be happy, why are you so depressed?” or “why can’t you just pretend to be happy so we can enjoy this?” and i felt ASHAMED and GUILTY for how i felt and i STILL feel that shame and guilt, i must be just too fucking sensitive. guess i was being too fucking dramatic when i just didn’t think my life was worth it if i couldn’t ‘just be happy’ like everyone else. a lot of people have this experience, you fucking piece of shit. but you don’t want to hear that because you’re just too fucking busy hating on people who feel negatively while forcing yourself to see the silver lining in all things bad. maybe if you acknowledged that emotions of any kind aren’t ‘bad’, you would actually be more positive — and so would everyone else.

snowflake? are you a fucking boomer? what sort of fucking donald trump rhetoric are you using against me right now? you tell me to fuck off, but you’re literally on MY blog sending ME this shit. and, you waiting a couple of DAYS to send this. were you a coward while everything was going down? i did say you could send me anons, but you probably prematurely blocked me before you saw anything of what i had to say.

so, let me take my last few moments here to educate you on something that you are a big proponent of: toxic positivity. now, before you say toxic is a word too often thrown around without meaning anything, shut up. i never see the word ‘toxic’ thrown around often or lightly. if you do, maybe you’re just too involved in those many toxic situations and you should evaluate your position in life. now, toxic positivity is a real fucking thing. i have a degree in psych — i know, not that fucking important, but i might know a thing or two — and it’s a fairly new concept but very much respected. you can find anything on it that you want just by googling it. no one on tumblr invented this term. here’s some very quick examples just so you can wrap your overly positive mind around:

you want to know the extent that this sort of behavior and mindset can push someone, here’s a tedtalk of someone personal experience: wow, much link.

now, my language might seem rather aggressive and not so fun — it might make me look like an overly negative snowflake — but how do you want me to react when i was going to keep to myself and you chose to keep pushing? go on, keep pushing. send me anything you want: hate, genuine questions, concerns, opinions. whatever you fucking want. i’m not afraid of you nor am i entirely bothered. i’m a fucking twenty five year old man who comes onto this site to write my shitty muses. i have an opinion and i state that they’re opinions. i never target anyone specifically and i don’t believe i’ve ever really been constantly negative. but, so what if i am? it’s the human experience, baby, suck it up.

[embeanwrites]

Finding Home Gavin Reed x Reader

Chapter 19

Masterlist

There had been a pit of nervous energy in my stomach since I had woken up this morning, my first day of class. I was on autopilot as I got ready, I was stuck in my head worrying about how class would go. While brushing my teeth, spit had dripped down my chin all over the black shirt I was going to wear. It took five minutes for me to find my purse, which was just sitting on the edge of the couch. 

By the time I got to my office, I had bitten down all my fingernails and was worrying at the skin around them. I skipped lunch, half because of my stomach and half because I just spaced it. I had been writing some emails, having sent out my syllabus the night before I couldn’t really edit that anymore. 

With an hour left till class and nothing to do, I just paced around my office, writing a little script for myself for how I would start class and introduce myself, muttering the words under my breath. I knew in my head that I was prepared, that there was a very good chance that class would be fine, but it felt like I was forgetting something important.

The past week or so Gavin and I had hung out a decent amount. We spent the first two days of his suspension playing with his cats, going out and getting food, and watching movies. I got him to watch Into the Spider-Verse and he made me watch Robocop in retaliation. Though we didn’t really pay attention to the movies, too busy cuddling and making out. It was easy being with him, but I didn’t know how to make the next move, I didn't want to make him uncomfortable like I had the night of the fight with my dad. So I resolved to let him take it there, but he never did. Since his suspension ended, we’ve avoided meeting at the DPD since I’m not ready to talk to my dad. Gavin hasn’t mentioned anything about him or Connor. I hadn’t heard from Connor either. I’ve talked to Tina a bit. When I told her Gavin and I were dating, she flipped out. Even though Gavin was already invited to the wedding she keeps insisting I should ask him to be my “plus one”.

I was interrupted from my thoughts by three short knocks on my office door. I stopped pacing and looked up, it was Nines.

“Nines! How have you been?” He walked in slowly, staying close to the door.

“I have been well. Chris and I wrapped up the android black-market case.” I nodded. “I have come to ask you a favor.”

“Of course, what’s up?” I sat on my desk and waited for him to continue.

“I believe Lieutenant Anderson has been under extra stress since your fight and Connor is worried it may be affecting his health and work performance.” Nines paused. “Connor wanted me to ask you if you’d stop by tonight to talk with both of them.”

“Why isn’t he asking me?”

“He was unable to get away from the Lieutenant without raising suspicion.”

“Why didn’t he text or call?”

“We both found you would be more likely to comply if one of us talked to you in person instead of over the phone.” I groaned and started rubbing my temples.

“Does Gavin know about this?” He nodded. “Okay, what time?”

“Connor and the Lieutenant should arrive home around 6 tonight. I should be returning to the DPD.”

“Alright, Nines. Thanks for stopping by.” He walked out of my office and I sighed again. Great now not only was I anxious for my class, but now I had the possibility of a fight to worry about. I got my phone out of my skirt pocket, which just this morning Gavin had made fun of me for texting him about how great this skirt was. Looking at my phone I saw I had new texts from Tina and Gavin.

 Good luck today!!!! I love you!!!!

 Love you too, T! Lock up some bad guys today!

  good luck pipsqueak teach them assholes some stuff

 Thanks, Gav! Although I doubt all of them are assholes…

 …babe its detroit

 I laughed and put my phone away, grabbed my bag, and headed to the lecture hall. Since I was going to class early, I took the long way around campus. Admiring how full it was compared to this summer. It felt nice. I’ve always loved being on college campuses, they feel more alive than anywhere else.

My class was located in the General Lectures building on the first floor. I checked my phone, I had about 20 minutes before the class right before ours would be out of the classroom. I stood nervously by the door. There were a few students sitting on the ground on their phones. I decided to text Gavin.

 I’m 20 minutes early

 lol y

 I got too nervous! Nines stopped by and threw off my rhythm

 ur rhythm of pacing???

 Go call someone else out lol. Did you know about Nines asking me to go to my dad’s tonight?

 yea

 I don’t want to go.

 but u told him yes

 I’m going, it doesn’t mean I want too.

 i guess

hey almost a crime scene text me after ur class

 Will do, be safe

 I shoved my phone back in my pocket and took my backpack off, kneeling down I started double checking I had everything.

“Flash drive, class list, pen, hard copy of syllabus.” I mumbled. Students were starting to exit the classroom. I peered through the door and saw the professor was logging off the computer. She was taller than me, with tan skin, long brown hair, and she was wearing a nice summer dress. I walked in and over to the podium and front desk and smiled at the other professor.

“I’m Dr. (L/n), it’s nice to meet you!”

“I’m Dr. Morrison.” She smiled and we shook hands.

“What class are you teaching?”

“Classical literature. You’re the new sociology professor, right?”

“That’s me!” I laughed nervously. “I actually have a minor in classical studies, those were some of my favorite classes in undergrad.” She smiled.

“I’m glad someone else sees the importance.” She continued packing up. “You can go ahead and log in if you want.” I nodded and started getting ready. Most of her students had left and a few students filed in, most sitting in the back. The classroom was tiered, which I hated. It was nice to be able to see everyone’s faces, but these types of classrooms always made me feel so small. “Well, I’ll see you Thursday, good luck!”

“Thank you! See you Thursday!” I turned on the projector, got my slides up, and tested the remote. I looked over at my class list, I was expecting about 50 students and so far there were about 35. Which isn’t bad considering class didn’t start for another ten minutes. I looked around the front of the classroom. I had a podium and a small table at the front of the classroom. I walked over and moved the table, so I’d be able to sit on it and still see the projector screen. I walked back to the podium and got out my phone and hid it behind the desktop. I made sure my phone wouldn’t go off while I was teaching, and I did a last-minute check for text messages. I smiled.

 Good luck, you’re going to be amazing!

 Thank you, Connor.

 I checked the time and took a deep breath and walked out from behind the podium.

“Hi everyone, I’m Dr. (L/n) and welcome to SOC 345: Human and Android relationships. First day agenda,” I clicked the remote to get the slide show going and sat on the table. “I’m going to tell you guys a little about me, our goal for the semester, and what you can expect from this course. We do have the classroom for an hour and fifteen minutes, but I highly doubt we will need all of that time.

“As I said I’m Dr. (L/n). I’m new to WSU. I received my doctorate at (dream/school). A little about me…I really like cats and I was born in Detroit. I enjoy old movies and I’ll probably try to weave some into the class. I’ve been studying android and human relationships before deviancy was known about and I’ve spent most of my life dedicated to this subject. I was recruited by WSU to write an extensive report about the android revolution.

“I’m aware many of you were in Detroit during the revolution and I know you may have some feelings towards what happened whether it be negative or positive. I want you to all know that I firmly believe androids are alive and deserve to be equal to humans. My classroom will be run on that basis. This isn’t a class to debate that, but rather a chance to use a sociological lens to see what led to the revolution, what happened during the revolution, and what the future may hold for both groups.

“This is my first class at WSU, but not my first class I’ve taught. So far in the syllabus I’ve decided that we will have two tests, one in 6 weeks and another in 12. Instead of a final exam we’ll be doing a final project. By project I really want to leave it up to you. You can write a paper, give a presentation, or anything else you want as long as it hits all the points of the rubric. I should have that posted in a couple months.

“Are there any questions about the course I can answer right now?” I looked around. A blonde young man in the front row raised his hand.

“There’s some days on the syllabus that are blank, what does that mean?”

“Those are days I have blocked off for possible speakers to come to the class. Those days will be optional, but if you come and participate you can get up to five points of extra credit on your lowest test for each day. My hope is to have at least two days of guest speakers.” A dark-haired young woman in the back raised her hand and I pointed at her.

“There’s no textbook listed, is that right?”

“Yes! I was a student too and textbook prices are ridiculous. For the most part nearly all the material will come from my lectures, but occasionally there may be a paper you have to read. Those papers will be posted online. Attendance is really important in this class. I have no plans to post my lectures, but if you come to my office, you’re more than welcome to look over the slides.

“Oh! Before I forget there is going to be one assignment, I wanted to tell you guys about it. So, before every class I would like someone to research a topic related to what we’re talking about or something in the news that has to do with androids and humans and bring it for discussion. On Thursday we’ll make the order and talk more about the assignment, but you really just need to read one article and tell the class the issue and then we’ll talk about it.” I looked at the clock. We still had 30 minutes. “Are there any more questions?” No one moved. “Well, I’ll stay here for about 15 minutes if anyone has any other questions, but other than that I’ll see you all on Thursday! Have a great rest of your day!”

The students quickly packed up and started leaving. No one stopped to talk to me, which I get there’s not a lot to talk about. I took out my phone and sent Gavin a text.

 Talked to fast and ended 30 minutes early lol

 He didn’t respond which made sense, since he was definitely still at a crime scene. I looked up and a young woman was nervously shuffling in front of the podium.

“Hi! How can I help you?”

“Hi Dr (L/n), I’m Lisa Turner. I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know I’m really looking forward to your class.” I beamed at the nervous girl.

“Hi Lisa! I’m glad you’re excited! Please feel free to come to my office hours anytime you want to discuss…well anything! I’ve done a lot of research that we won’t be able to cover in class and I love getting to know my students!” She smiled softly.

“Okay, umm…I’ll see you Thursday.” She quickly ran away. She reminded me a lot of what I was like in undergrad. Nervous, but desperately wanted to learn. I waited another ten minutes and decided to head back to my office to start working on my interview list.

 It was about 5:30 and I was nervously biting my lip. I knew if I wanted to be on time to my dad’s I needed to call a taxi within the next few minutes. I looked at my phone, Gavin hadn’t texted me back yet and I had no other messages. I sighed, put in a request for a taxi, and headed outside.

When I got to my dad’s house his car was already in the parking lot. At least I wouldn’t have to wait outside for them to get here. Sighing, I walked up to the door and knocked. It only took Connor a few seconds to open the door. He gestured for me to come in. I nervously walked in and took off my shoes.

“Where’s dad?” I asked softly. I followed Connor to the couch where he sat down.

“He’s walking Sumo. He should be back shortly.” Connor sighed as I sat down next to him. “I’m sorry, I hadn’t kept in touch this past week.”

“You’re fine Connor. Things have been crazy for me too.”

“How did your class go?” He asked.

“I think it well, the first day never really counts because you’re not really teaching anything.” He nodded in agreement. “Connor, are you okay?” I gently put my hand on his shoulder. He gave me a small smile.

“Of course, (Y/n). It’s just been a difficult week at work.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Before I could ask anymore questions my dad and Sumo walked inside. My dad noticed me and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Hey, (Y/n).” Sumo ran up to me and I started petting him.

“Hi dad.” He walked over and sat in the armchair. He shifted in his chair uncomfortably under Connor’s glare. After a few moments Connor pretended to clear his throat, which made my dad roll his eyes.

“(Y/n), you were right and I’m sorry. I’ve known Gavin for a while, but that doesn’t mean I know how you two will be. I shouldn’t have started that fight.” I nodded gently, keeping my eyes on Sumo.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I was angry, but that doesn’t excuse my words.” Connor shifted next to me.

“Hank, tell her about work.” My dad groaned.

“I’m guessing you’re still seeing Gavin?” I nodded and looked at him. “Gavin’s been…less of an asshole since he got back from his suspension and I’m pretty sure you’re the reason.” I smiled.

“He can be nice when he wants to.” I whispered. “Could the four of us grab dinner sometime? I really want you to give him a real chance.” My dad sighed and Connor gave him a sharp look.

“Dinner sounds fine.” I smiled and stood up.

“Both of you give me a hug right now before I lose my mind!” They laughed and compiled. I missed them both this past week and I didn’t even realize how much until I was in their arms.

[honeyjaez]

Maze of Miroh- Chapter 19: The Battle for The Under Pt 2

I have a somewhat long announcement guys so bear with me here.

Ahhh hey guys. I got a lot of reasonings as to why this chapter is so late. First, I started Uni again, and its been an adjustment. Two, some internal issues at work caused me to break down in a complete depression spiral. For about 3 whole weeks I cried at work at least once a day haha. Finally, and this was more recent, but the rumors regarding Woojin.  I started this story of May 2019, before Woojin left, and afterwards I vowed I would continue to write him in my story despite no longer being in the group. But this issue it totally different in its entirety. Regardless if they are true or not (and we don't know that they are or not) the way he has handled the whole thing did not sit right with me. This topic hits close home for me as it is and I contemplated removing Woojin from my story all together to avoid making you guys feel uncomfortable as well as myself because it is such a serious trigger. As more rumors came out about his treatment towards the others members and what not I suddenly got a sick feeling in my stomach about him in general. When news first broke out I just wanted to go on in the story, never writing his name again and just totally drooping his character. I thought about telling everyone to not think of these characters as stray kids members and keep him in. But as I've had time to calm down and come to my own decision about the matter, I've decided that I will write him in this story for only this chapter and possibly next. I will be removing him from this story in a plot driven way and I would like you all to respect my decision on this matter. If it comes out later on that he is innocent of all his has been accused, then hey, *shrugs*. But I would rather that than me continue to write such a compassionate and kind character for someone who has lost their way in this regards. I just personally do not feel comfortable at this moment writing him in. Which really sucks because he was such an important part of this arc lol. Anyways, If I have offended you all by my way of removing Woojin from this story I am truly sorry. Again I thought about just totally pretending his character never existed in the first place. But as a writer, it didn't sit right with me.

With that, I have to tweak the story a bit, but I hope you enjoy this little update. Next update is nearly done (Actually this chapter was originally like 3 times longer, but I decided to cut it up.) Have a good night!

The Under:

To say Jisung was in a bad mood was a complete understatement.

All they were supposed to do was get down here, get the information they needed from Dowoon and get the fuck out.

There weren't supposed to be any psychotic speed demons, nor an emo Legolas wannabe with a stick up his ass. And there CERTAINLY wasn’t supposed to be any Virus.

Jisung furrowed his brow as their group ran towards the outer city limits. He looked behind him to see Minho straggling a few feet to the side, the older boy's eyes focused on the road in front of them. Jisung clicked the roof of his mouth with his tongue in annoyance before he turned back around to look at the buildings in front of them.

If only the others knew what they were going through. Jisung almost laughed  imagining the raging meltdown both Changbin and Seungmin would have had in reaction to their current situation. They both are used to Chan’s more risky judgments, being in the group for as long as they had. Oh, if they could see us now….

He let out a long-winded sigh of defeat. They should have left when they had the chance.

But alas, he was being the selfish one here, and his other members had to be heroes incarnate, risking their lives for a group of people who they barely knew…Woojin hyung aside.  And in return, it would be up to Jisung to protect them all since they were all so infuriatingly reckless.

Nope definitely not annoyed....

Jisung’s ears perked as he heard a voice call out to them as they moved closer to the edge of the city. His eyes adjusted forward to see Wooyoung looking back at them, mouth moving as he voiced a command to them. Right away, the team came to an halt as they reached the first signs of buildings, and Wooyoung turned to look back at them, his eyes dark and hard with determination.

“Since some of you don’t know how our city is set up, we will split up in groups.” he explained “Mingi will go with Minho to the eastern section of the city, while Jisung and I will head to the north… Jongho, you'll be in the west.”

Wooyoung’s voice faded from Jisung’s mind as he felt his blood run icy cold at Wooyoung’s words. Now his annoyance was being overwritten by fear. This was exactly what he was afraid of… they were splitting up.

“Hyung,” Wooyoung seemingly continued, looking towards Woojin “since you know the city, can you head to the center? Our 3 teams will have to work fast, ushering the people back here towards the southern part of the city where the bunker is.”

Jisung shook himself back to the present and looked to see that while his eyes were hard with determination, he didn’t miss the way Wooyoung’s hands trembled at his sides. He regarded the older boy with a wave of understanding and sympathy.

 No matter how you look at it, we are working in a helpless situation… At Least he has the good sense to be scared…

But that begs the question. What about him? Was he scared? He was annoyed, that was for sure. But it didn’t take a genius to know his annoyance was just a mask, trying to hide his own fear.  No matter what, the odds did not look favorable.  5 of them trying to evacuate an entire city on their own? Working with a timer that they didn’t even know what it’s set at?

No thanks, I want a refund.

Woojin must have sensed Jisung’s negativity, for he set his eyes on the younger, giving out a small, knowing cough to gain his attention. He looked up and  locked eyes with Woojin, seeing the elder boy give him a half smile, like he was trying to reassure him.

“It won’t be easy,” he said out loud, tearing his gaze from Jisung’s and towards the party. “It will take all of our best efforts, but remember what Hongjoong said. No one has permission to die here and I am seconding that.”

The younger boys all stared at the older boy, their gaze turning hard with determination. Only Jisung looked apprehensive as he stared at his two teammates, and he found himself looking particularly in the direction of their green-horned Minho, who was still very much a novice in this world.

Jisung thought back to just a few hours ago in their shared room and Minho’s words caused Jisung’s brain to short circuit.

__

“Jisung, no matter what obstacle, what problem and what path leads in front of you, I believe with every fiber of my being that you will come out on top.”

__

God I really hope he is right….

If he was going to save the city and keep Minho alive he was going to need all the luck in the world.

Minho’s words replayed in his mind as he caught sight of Mingi making his way over to the brown haired boy. It was then that Minho himself seemed to feel Jisung’s gaze, and looked back, staring evenly. Jisung noticed with a twitch in his face, Minho’s soft eyes showing the slightest of fear to him. But before Jisung could do anything, Minho quickly covered it up with a misplaced resolve.

The younger grit his teeth in annoyance, knowing that look all too well. He saw it enough in his brother when they were kids and enough times in Chan and the others to last him a lifetime.

I swear to god he wants me to hate him...

Nothing made Jisung madder than a beautiful idiot with a death wish....

And Minho was all three.

There were a few exchanges between Wooyoung and the others, but all too quickly it was over and Jisung felt an arm ripping him from the circle, and thus tearing him from Minho’s gaze.

“Come on” Wooyoung muttered quickly “We have the furthest distance needed to travel. There is no time to waste.”

Just like that, Jisung was pulled from his fellow members, his stomach churning at the thought of being separated from them in a situation like theirs. If he isn’t there to stop them from being complete idiots, then who was?

Yep. Definitely annoyed.

“Fuck...” he cursed under his breath as he turned his back around, leaving the group behind as the both picked up speed. Jisung closed his eyes, sending a silent prayer to whatever god lived above to listen to his plea.

“Keep the idiots with a deathwish safe….please…”  

Minho

Minho watched as Wooyoung dragged Jisung away, an uneasy feeling in his stomach starting to make its way upwards. He hated being separated just as much as Jisung probably felt.  But he couldn’t argue with Wooyoung’s logic, nor could he back down from the task at hand.

He was going to save as many people as possible and show The Order that their time of winning was over.

Minho jumped slightly as he felt a hand on his shoulder, turning to see Woojin give him a comforting smile. “Jisung will be alright Minho,” he said, as if he knew his thoughts. “If anyone can take care of themselves, it’s Jisung.”

“Yah.” Minho agreed with a quick nod of his head.”You’re right.”

“Minho!” Mingi called “You ready? We need to get going!”

Minho turned to the taller boy who was standing next to Jongho and nodded  “Ready”

Woojin took a step forward, brushing his shoulder with Minho’s as a form of comfort. “Take care of him Mingi, he is our important member and friend...lord knows what Felix would do to me if I lost him on this mission.”

Mingi snorted playfully “I don’t know who that is, but as long as he can keep up we will be fine.” He then turned towards Jongho, placing two hands on his shoulders “Be safe little one.”

Minho almost laughed as he watched Jongho look up at the taller boy with a mildly annoyed face, “You know I can kick your ass right?” he asked the taller boy.

Mingi was unfazed as he waved a hand in the air. “Details Details” he said with a smile, motioning for Minho to follow him. If Jongho had heard his comment, the youngest made no notion of it, and turned back around, heading in his own direction.

As they ran further and further from the others he couldn’t help but shake a deep feeling of dread. Minho turned his gaze backwards to look at Woojin’s fleeting figure and he felt his heart tightening in his chest. Something didn’t didn’t feel right.

“Tch!” Minho growled to himself mentally “No. I won’t psych myself out this time!”

This was it. This was another chance to do good, and prove to himself that he CAN do what is needed to be done. No more hiding. No more cowardice. Minho had to make a difference here or his promise to Jeongwoo would be meaningless.

The two of them went on for a few minutes in complete silence, but eventually Minho could feel Mingi’s gaze on him and he turned his head slightly to glance back.

“What?” was all he asked.

“How new?” he asked.

Minho's eyes widened in confusion, turning to get a better look at the bigger boy “Excuse me?”

Mingi chuckled, his gaze turning back to the road in front of them “I mean how new are you to this harsh world of fighting?”

Minho felt his cheeks warm in embarrassment at the question, and he quickly looked at the ground in front of him, sheepish. “Is it that obvious?” he mewed quietly.

Mingi laughed louder this time, throwing two hands in the air in kindness “Not really.” he chuckled “I mean just the fact that you beat San shows you have skills.” He said encouragingly. “I just ask because your members treat you like you're fragile… something you only really do when you are new to this world.”

Minho nodded, trying to calm down from his mild dose of embarrassment. “You can say that again….” he mused.

Mingi smiled at him and gave him a toothy grin “Well the others might not say it, but just the fact that you are against The Order makes you a friend to me!”

Minho’s eyes widened and he nearly smiled at the boy’s pure words. “I thought The Under were neutral when it came to The Order…” He said with a puzzled look. ”You neither give them support but neither do you fight against them… isn’t that right?”

But the younger boy shrugged rather casually, “That is the standard” he explained “But it doesn’t necessarily mean we all agree with it. Hongjoong hyung...” Mingi trailed off, like he was contemplating saying his next words.

“Truthfully….” the taller boy continued more slowly “If it were up to Hongjoong Hyung… We would have liked nothing more than to go the surface, to make The Under more than just a lawless city, that in which is suffocating in the mud and dirt down here.” Mingi turned and gazed at Minho, with the first sense of intensity he caught all day “He wants a better future for the children born down here, something we didn’t get.”

Minho looked at him, pondering his words for a few seconds, and trying to understand the underlying problem. Suddenly Chan’s words flashed through his mind.

“ If we even wanted a chance at overthrowing The Order, then we needed allies. Strong allies at that... “

Minho looked towards Mingi, face pure and honest “If given the chance... Would you fight back? And I mean seriously fight back...”

Mingi gazed back at him, noticing the serious expression on his face, nodding once. “Aye.”

Minho felt a wave of weight being lifted from him and he gave Mingi an earnest smile “Then maybe one day we will.”

It fell into a comfortable silence after that, but Minho couldn’t help but smile now as they ran. This was his first real interaction with another member besides San, and it left him hopeful that they could work together in the future. If they were all like Mingi and Hongjoong that is…

But before he could romance the idea any further, Minho’s smile dropped as he began to hear yelling in the far distance. Screams began to fill his ears and Minho realized with a thump to his heart that they were finally reaching an area with people. As they rounded the corner his eyes widened wide with alarm at the sight of crowds of people rushing forwards, carrying their young ones and belongings as they pushed towards the center. There was no order to it. It was chaotic and messy.

Exactly what Zico wanted.

Minho looked to Mingi who was also looking at the sight with a grim expression on his face. No matter how you looked at it, just two of them controlling this crowd was nearly impossible. It wasn’t going to be easy whatsoever.

But they had to start somewhere.

Mingi rushed forward then, aiming towards a herd of people, easily outpacing them and stopping at the front of them with his arms stretched wide as a blockade. There were a few shocked gasps but also a few who recognized the young boy almost immediately.

“Mingi-ssi!?” Minho heard a voice from the mass call  “What are you doing?! Why are you stopping us?!”

Mingi looked at the crowd, his face dead serious. “Despite what Zico said, protocol calls for all evacuations to take place in the southern bunker!” he tried to yell over the chaos “I’m going to have to ask you to turn the other way!”

Hushed murmurs ripped through the crowd and Minho perked his ears forward to listen.

“That's true…” a female voice said.

“But why would Zico send us to the center if it wasn’t the safest…”

“No matter what it looks like we have orders…”

“Well I trust our leader!”

Please, Please… Minho pleaded.

But Minho’s plea was crushed as the crowd began to push Mingi backwards, choosing to continue on their path. He watched as Mingi was quickly shoved to the side by the masses and he ran forward, pulling him back up as the crown sprinted forward and away from them.

“Mingi-ssi!” he called, helping the boy off from the ground. “Are you okay?”

“Tch!” he spat. “They are choosing to believe Zico over me!”

“Well” Minho reasoned “They don’t know about Zico so of course they still trust him…”

Mingi punched the ground in front of them, his anger rising “Dammit!” he cured “If only Hongjoong hyung was here...”

“Mingi-ssi?” a voice called.

Minho turned to see a taller, older man with worn out blond hair looking at him from across the rushing street. He quickly made his way over to them, holding out a hand to Mingi.

Mingi looked up, taking the older boy's hand, a tired smile on his face. “Inpyo hyung!” he cried “Thank god you are here!”

The one named Inpyo nodded, his face grim “Once the alarm sounded my boys and I set out to help with the evacuations but we are having a bit of difficulties” he admitted. He then turned towards Minho, eyes narrowing in mild interest “Who is this?”

Mingi waved a hand in the air, “This is Minho. He and his group are helping us. Minho-” he turned, waving a hand at the taller man “This is Inpyo. He and his team are one of the best of our police force down here.”

“- Was ” Inpyo corrected, holding out his hand to Minho in greeting “We all retired a few years back when we couldn’t stand by Zico any longer.”

Minho nodded in greeting, taking his hand for a quick shake “I don’t blame you..”

Inpyo smiled at that and took his hand away. “Mingi,” he asked, turning back towards the younger “Why would Zico have the city evacuate to the center of the city?”

Mingi shook his head “I can’t explain right now, but it is all wrong hyung, the center of the city is the focal point of what's to come, and we need to get everyone to get away from there. But no one is willing to listen to me...”

Inpyo placed a hand on his chin, deep in thought.

“Asking them to believe in someone else over their trusted leader is a bit much for most people....” Inpyo mused.

“I understand that” Mingi agreed “But we have to convince them somehow…”

They were all quiet as chaos erupted around them, trying to think of a plan. Suddenly a thought came to Minho’s mind and he looked up at them with wide eyes.

“Inpyo-ssi?” Minho asked “When you say you were one of the best, how much did the people of The Under trust you? Did you have their respect?”

The question caught the older man off guard for a second but quietly nodded “Ah.”

Mingi scoffed “Didn they respect him? They practically worshiped the ground they all walked on…”

“Then why not have Inpyo and his team tell everyone where to evacuate?”

“As much as they trust me Minho,” Inpyo started “I’m still asking them to go against Zico’s orders...most won’t be willin-”

Minho held a finger up in the air to interrupt “But what if we don’t tell them to go against his orders?”

Mingi tilted his head in confusion “Okay, now I’m lost”

But Inpyo seemed to understand what Minho was getting at and nodded once “We tell them something different. Something they would believe came from Zico himself...”

Minho smiled, a small bode of confidence sparking in him “Instead of telling them the evacuation site has changed, we tell them that the center bunker is too full and overflow needs to evacuate to the southern bunker.”

Mingi’s eyes widened in realization while Inpyo nodded “It might work, especially if it comes from our mouths.”

“Hyung” Mingi suddenly turned and looked at the elder boy “Where’s Jiahn and the others? Can you get in contact with him? Have them help?”

Inpyo nodded, pulling out a small phone “I scattered them all to various districts. But I can call them and update the plan.  Jiahn should be in the center of the city right now...”

Minho looked at the elder boy, chewing his bottom lip in worry. “If I can ask Inpyo-ssi. One of my hyungs should be arriving in the center region any second now to help with the evacuation. Maybe your friend could meet up with him.”

Inpyo smiled softly and nodded, “Better as teams than opposing forces. Who is your friend?”

“It’s Woojin hyung” Mingi answered. Inpyo’s face widened in mild surprise and he looked at Mingi with curiosity in his eyes “Woojin? Woojin is in the same group as Minho. Wooyoung is in the North with another of their teammates and Jongho is in the Western quadrant.”

Inpyo eyed him with a mildly disappointed look “And Hongjoong? Where are the rest of your teammates Mingi?”

The taller boy shook his head “Not enough time hyung. Just know they are all doing their part in this. Please hyung….We could really use your help…”

Inpyo nodded looking at the two of them. “I’ll get in contact with my team. Don’t fret Mingi-ya. The Under won't die here is I have anything to say about it.”

They stayed quiet as Inpyo opened his small phone and quickly dialed a few numbers. There was a few more heartbeats of quiet as he put the device to his ear, but soon enough they heard a click and a muffled voice on the other line.

“Jiahn hyung-yes yes I'm okay. Listen, plans changed” he started “We were right. Something is fishy with the center evacuation. We need to evacuate them to the sou-oh?” he stopped midstence as the voice spoke to him and Minho watched as he nodded in response “I get it. You met Woojin already and he told you. Okay. Well tell the people that the center is full and Zico has ordered the overflow to the south. Can you pass the information to Isaac and Yeontae’s groups? Great Thank you. Tell them when their sections are done and they have done a sweep to report to the southern bunker.”

And like that, without even saying goodbye the elder boy quickly shut the phone and turned back to look at them.

“For trusting sake, Mingi keep Minho with you as you work your ways inwards. We have a lot of ground to cover and not a lot of time.”

Both boys nodded and stood up from the ground, pounding their feet on the ground as they began to run into the crowd. A familiar sense of dread suddenly filled Minho to his core and he swallowed hard, his heart beat racing. 

Why did he feel like something terrible was about to happen?

[griffelkinn]

Letter to a Man

I wish all men would read this letter. I am a woman who is attracted to men. But it seems impossible to find romance and friendship with a man, as much as I wish I could.

This is a letter I wrote to a man I met on Okcupid, and started a friendship with, and then ended the friendship shortly after.

The reason that I ended the friendship was because while we were on a hike, he began talking at length about his feelings that men suffer from oppression and women are privileged. He also emotionally defended incels and misogynists, and said women needed to be kinder to them. He also expressed sympathy toward rapists.

After our hike, we texted, and he continued expressing supportive feelings toward misogynists. And so over text, I said that I felt we should part ways, and shouldn’t hang out anymore. After that, he sent me a letter in the mail, and I wrote him this letter in return.

I wish all men could read this letter...

“Brian,

I didn't want to cause you pain or sadness, the other day. I knew that I probably did, and that made me feel pain myself.

Your letter was very thoughtful, and I was glad to read it. I appreciated the time you took to write it, and your sincerity. I do hope you'll read this letter, and know that it is a very serious and honest outpouring of my feelings. I want you to understand. I know it might seem like a wall of text, but every word of it feels important to tell you.

When I first moved to San Francisco, my very first friend in the whole state was a guy named Roger. We got along really well, and immediately became very close, and had fun together constantly. We cooked, and lay in the park, and got drunk, and joked around, and tried new snacks, and got ice cream on hot days, and even got some acid on the street and tripped together on Halloween to Nightmare Before Christmas. We were super close for months. Then he randomly started passionately ranting about how rape is a very mild crime, and people shouldn't get too bothered if it happens to them, or punished for doing it either. He went on about how rapists were usually molested at some point, and they deserved sympathy. Not to have their lives negatively impacted by getting in trouble for raping someone. Also, that they can't help doing it, like it's a nervous tic. We talked and argued about it for hours. All of those points. Finally I left, because I was shaking with anger and emotion, and he was very passionately defending everything he'd said with no moving at all.

I was especially shaken by his tirade because it was an exact echo of the many tirades the violent psycho I was trapped living with years ago used to go on. All of those points were favorites of his to passionately rant about. That guy had also been my best friend, before I got a place with him (accessible only by his truck), and also before he dropped his carefully-constructed façade of a great person. He also used to rant about how 15-year-old girls are the most appropriate breeding partners for men, and how women's sports are a joke, and how girls are biologically inclined to bear children and take care of them. Also that men are currently generously "allowing their women to become educated". He had been jailed for rape. He was sadistic, in ways I could never describe.

I didn't see my friend Roger anymore after that. All of his weird rapist-support arguments were so similar to the psycho's, and also extremely suggestive of his own tendencies. He did later tell me in a text that he was one of the rapists he was defending.

Later when I was working at Whole Foods, I became really good friends with this guy named Greg, who also worked there. We became instantly great buddies, and did all kinds of stuff together. We went on road trips, went out for pizza regularly, and learned how to make silicone molds and castings together. We were both really into art and painting. We swapped comics, and discovered Stranger Things together. I actually started getting a crush on him, which was a big thing for me. Then one night we were parked in front of my apartment, cause he was dropping me off after we'd spent a whole day having fun around the city and then making molds at his apartment. We didn't even want to say good night, because we wanted to keep hanging out and talking. We started talking about how we were both really happy that we'd become friends. And then he told me that his last best friend and him had parted badly, and he was disappointed. So then, I told him I'd had something similar happen, and I told him about Roger. I told him about the argument me and Roger had had about rape and rapists, and how that had ended the friendship, and how sad it was. And then Greg said "Well, it does make you think..." And I asked what about. And he then launched into a passionate rant feeling sorry for rapists. I think my jaw hung down 3 feet. I was just stunned. He started talking about Brock Turner, the rapist from a few years ago who was all over the news. The one who got barely any jail time, because the judge felt sorry for him and didn't want his life negatively impacted by his raping that girl.

Greg went on and on about how it was terrible that Brock Turner was going to be known as a rapist now, and how sad that was for him. He'd made one tiny little mistake anyone could make, and now he's gonna be thought of badly. He didn't seem aware of the other person involved whose life actually was negatively impacted. I argued all of his ideas about his "tiny mistake", and also how sad it was for him now. I wanted to understand why Greg was saying this stuff. I must be misunderstanding. We talked about it until 4 in the morning in the car, until finally I had to go inside, because clearly there was no misunderstanding.

As soon as I got into my apartment, I cried on my couch. I was so sad, because I liked Greg so much, and this was how he was. I knew our friendship was over. We decided to get together the next night and see if there was really a misunderstanding that maybe we could figure out had happened. At a bar, he told me it's his nature, when he sees a viewpoint that's hard to agree with at first, to try to figure out a way it could be agreed with. He's just really intelligent and quick and enjoys doing that. That was obviously not what was happening.

Before meeting you on Okcupid, I'd met one other guy this year. He told me he'd forced himself sexually on a girl once, and he was sorry for it now.

A friend I met while living in Maine for a while years ago (between CA and FL) was a guy named Doug, I met on Okcupid. He assaulted me.

Another friend I met on Okcupid in that same stay was a guy named Nate. He assaulted me.

I wanted to tell you about Roger and Greg, because they are really what led to my action after our text conversation. When you and me were walking that day, I didn't react much at the time, but I was very unsettled when you mentioned how rapists were usually molested themselves. I've been just confused and frustrated that I very rarely meet a man who doesn't sympathize with rapists or misogynists. It's like 1 in a million. When you said that, I was internally thinking, you probably feel like Roger and Greg. When you said that you like to try to see the side of people who have an extreme viewpoint, and that's why you tried to see the side of misogynists, it sounded exactly like Greg later explaining his rape-sympathizing.

I know I had lots of fun kayaking with you, and playing 7 Days to Die, and talking about tripping, and watching Chappie. The letter you wrote me was really thoughtful, and made me feel how much you care and how much you were focused on self-awareness, which is really awesome.

I told you about Doug and Nate, because I want you to understand why I have so much hesitancy about hanging out. Sadly, since we haven't known each other long, I am strongly affected by the percentage of times I've made a male friend and had them assault me or reveal that they support rapists.

Those examples are not the only times I've been assaulted.

In my opinion, the number-one cause of the extreme amount of rapists, is how much support rapists get. And misogynists. 99.9% men seem to support them. Male rappers and sportsmen remain heroes after assaulting women. Male judges give rapists such light sentencing that it seems less serious than drug crimes or theft. Movies and tv show heroes and "cool" characters are often raping and joking about it. Everywhere, whenever I turn on the tv it seems like.

I remember when I was a kid, and I used to run around town playing with this big group of all the town kids, and we were all friends. I had some really great friends who were boys, who lived around me, and we used to hang out and mess around and we didn't see each other as a different species. We hadn't been brainwashed yet. It makes me deeply sad that that kind of camaraderie between men and women seems like a fantasy now. I hope it's still around.

It's so upsetting to think about that stuff, and I am filled with so much unease when I'm around people who I think might see me as a "woman-creature" that can never be understood or related to. I walk around thinking in the back of my mind that I might have a violent encounter at any given time, and I'm prepared for it mentally. I'm positive there will be more in the future.

I really want you to understand me, because I don't want you to feel bad or upset or hurt or offended. I know that I offended you and hurt you when I said I thought you were a man like those others. All I knew was that you were saying things that they all say, and that it has hurt me deeply to hear those things from friends in the past. It hurt so much that it makes me not want to risk becoming very close when there's any indication that those feelings about rapists and misogynists are part of someone. From your letter it sounds like you also empathize with those who are hurt by misogyny. You feel bad for your misogynist and racist uncle, and for all others. And empathy is a wonderful quality. Empathy is one of the most important things to have. And the most respectable. But I do think the cause of so much misogyny and rape is this overabundance of sympathy for them (and far too little for the people who are actually seriously hurt by them).

I don't want bad feelings between us. I want good feelings. I have good feelings toward you. I am just sad and tired and just... confused and frustrated that I've never met a man who just completely was angry and disgusted with rapists and misogynists, and spoke as passionately about that as they so often speak passionately about sympathizing with them. I don't know what that means for the state of people right now. I don't say this to single you out or to try and make you feel bad. It's just something I've been thinking a lot about, that's got me down. And hearing certain arguments and opinions about that stuff so often makes me feel down. Also, there were other things you said during our hike that made it seem like you were very emotionally into the idea that men have it harder than women. It really seemed like something you think about a lot and feel strongly about. I was walking in a constant state of "What-the?". Maybe that's not true. It just seemed like a continuous vibe.

I hope you understand that I didn't end things with us out of anything personal with you. I really enjoyed most of our times together, and I will remember them with happiness. I hope you make many more beautiful potteries, and have fun and happiness. Empathy is a great thing to have, it's just that those specific sympathies make me very unhappy to be around, in a really big way, now.

-C”