#the intimacy of getting ready
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Lois and Clark 2x13
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phagodyke · 1 month ago
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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bloomingdarkgarden · 2 years ago
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Elain Confronts Rhysand
Snippet of the confrontation between Rhysand and Elain regarding Azriel, coming up in a few chapters. In the second half of this story, Elain is going to find some hellish agency and I can't wait for her thorns to come out.
Violet eyes met her own in a calculated calm laced with power.
“What I did,” Rhysand responded slowly, “was for the safety of this court. For the safety of you yourself-” 
Elain unleashed herself.
“You know NOTHING of me” she cried out across the room, her voice piercing the silence of the hall. It rang out clear and high.
“- of what tethers me to this realm.”
Feyre's hand moved to cover her mouth her shock, in response to hearing such a sound from Elain.
“He was my friend” The honesty, the emotion, in her tone, rippled through the room. Elain’s voice began to break at that thought, at the loss, at words never spoken.
“He was the only one, of all of you who saw,” the confession spilled out of her, the first time she had ever admitted it aloud. To Azriel. To herself even.
“He saw what I was,” she did not falter,
“Beneath it all, beneath the nightmare cauldron Made me into, he saw- ” she threw a wild hand behind her towards the shadowsinger.
Elain took in a great shaking breath, and brought her hand back to clutch her own heart.
“He found me in my darkest hour, and every day, every moment with him, brought me to light.”
She knew what she would say next. She looked into Rhysand’s violet eyes and pushed true intention into her gaze.
“You know what it is to share that with another.”
Elain turned her eyes to Feyre’s face, tears brimming her sister’s grey eyes as she listened, pain laced there.
Yes her gaze whispered to her sister, this hurts this hurts anyone who has ever felt such a thing.
Rhysand’s violet eyes finally flashed with a trace of quiet realization.
Elain could feel her voice breaking with emotion but she didn’t care.
“He was perfect to me,” almost a whisper,
my lovely, fragile, lethal belladonna
“and you took him from me like a thief in the night”
Rhysand parted his lips to say something but the loneliness and need and want that lingered within her for a year shook the walls.
“I have asked for nothing, nothing from anyone in all my life,” a breath, "except to have my own choice.”
The deafening need in her voice, the truth in that statement, that request, and how little it was to ask, hit Elain like a jolt to the heart. She felt it ring true throughout the room, and ache in the eyes of her entire family.
“It was the truest thing I have ever known” she whispered, knowing they could all hear.
“And you took it from me and made every moment ash in my fingers.”
Tears fell down her cheeks. Each one fell heavy, each weighted with truth. Elain could feel herself unravelling. But she would not break, not now with it all on the brink. So instead of unravelling, she steeled herself and allowed something cold, something like pity, to replace the sorrow in her eyes.
“how very little of love you must know to do such a thing." she said quietly.
Rhysand’s violet eyes guttered out and Elain knew she had won the battle.
How easy it was Elain thought in that moment.
How easy it was to bring a High Lord to his knees, not with any magic, not with any weapons, but with only the trueness of her own unblemished heart.
What Bloomed in the Darkgarden by ehoney on AO3
Multi-Chapter, Canon-Compliant, Updated every Monday.
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theeroticlover · 2 years ago
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I know, I know, I am guilty of being late... But, you should know I craved for you even more....
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polite-pandemonium · 1 year ago
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I am just somehow OBSESSED with Takeru DRIVING. Like is he a bad driver? He speeds past the gang waiting outside of Daisuke's restaurant (or the restaurant where Daisuke works, whatever), so maybe? Is that his mom's car? Or is it his car? Why does he NEED a car? What is he doing that requires him to drive? Is it going to be a plot point in the movie? Is Takeru being a BAD DRIVER going to be a plot point? I need to know.
Ken and Miyako are also visibly startled when Takeru speeds past (Miyako JUMPS!!!!), while Iori and Hikari don't even flinch. What does that say about DYNAMIC?! Are Iori and Hikari more used to Takeru's (presumably bad) driving? That would make sense, no, cause they are (canonically???) closer with him? Just such a small interaction and I can interpret so much and draw so many conclusions!!! How fun!!!
There's just something really so fun about watching characters you've loved your whole life continue to grow - to see new details about them spring up, new traits, new things to add to canon. It's the most delightful thing about the Digimon Adventure franchise to me. Sure, the stories they have told over the last decade have mostly been all various shades of mediocre, but the character moments - goodness, the character moments just don't hit the same in any other media for me. It's so special to me.
ETA: WAIT, looking at the screencap, Iori looks slightly concerned. Only Hikari looks calm (though she does turn her whole body to look at the car once it stops). Does this mean HIKARI is the only one comfortable with his driving? Cause Hikari is closest to him? (I don't even think their closeness is something that is debatable - I feel like it is PRETTY CANON that they are closest with each other???????????)
HERE'S HOW TAKARI CAN STILL WIN.
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foremyth · 3 months ago
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after a couple of incidents, the (objectively few) romantic/intimate encounters katakuri had happened with his mouth covered. he's just—too tired to deal with the emotional burden of having to curb his partner's potential negative reaction/hear some kind of unflattering rejection on the basis of his looks. which is a shame, because he was put on this earth to smooch people
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louisianna · 4 months ago
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it's been so many years since i've used tumblr to actually connect with people and make friends that i don't even know what the etiquette is anymore? do we still do asks or is it all messaging now? should i be making more silly little text posts so that my mutuals have something to reply to? should i be replying to more of my mutual's silly little text posts? or is that considered annoying these days?
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dent-de-leon · 10 months ago
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finished astarions quest,, heart is in shambles—
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earl-grey-love · 1 year ago
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Early on into their friendship, Sunny starts sleeping in Levi's room quite often. It originally happens as an accident like she falls asleep while watching anime/him game late at night, and Levi is too awkward to wake him up, but it soon becomes a normal habit between them.
Not in his bathtub (yes, Levi sleeps in a bathtub) because it's too small, and also, there's no reason for Sun to be in there at that point. But there will be a pile of like pillows and blankets in the area in front of his TV, and that's where he ends up sleeping fairly often.
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I really miss him so much. I want to share space with him I want to hold his hand I want to do laundry and dishes with him so badly. I thought about him as my girlfriend today, so casually, so effortlessly. I'm just.... he just makes me sooooo
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tvrningout-a · 1 year ago
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honestly i just want kojirou to look nothing like a shoujo/josei writer bc the contrast and turning expectations upside down makes me happy :’ ) also i’m thinking about ko becoming so ready to help others that he eventually gets really bad about asking for help himself, gets too independent. and it’s not necessarily that he feels bad burdening others? he does, but it’s just not even an option in his mind anymore. he’s big brother ko!! he takes care of you and not the other way around!!
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tvrningon · 1 year ago
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all of my muses probably: if you get anywhere near my neck, you better be ready to take responsibility
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commaclear · 2 years ago
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I’ve asked this question for all ur fics so VABs turn
Vab!wilburs favorite place to be kissed
And what abt vab!quackitys
I feel like vab!wilbur hasn’t been in many actual relationships that weren’t based on sex so he just likes being kissed lovingly
Wilbur has *never* been in a relationship that didn’t revolve around sex, so his favorite thing is actually tender, non-sexual cuddles and kisses (but he doesn't know it yet)
Neck/shoulder/chest kisses make Quackity melt
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spaceratprodigy · 2 years ago
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the tiny metronome in my brain aggressively ticking back and forth between wanting to make cap and max fluff or cap and max angst
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phagodyke · 2 months ago
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ahhhh sunday evening blues 🙁
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happyk44 · 3 months ago
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One day I will get around to writing this did!Jason ficlet I've been daydreaming about for the last month but rn I'll just tell you that end result is Jason, blurry and unsure who he is, looking at Leo and saying, "I trust you."
#it's basically jason explaining how he experiences a combined covert/overt presentation#and so sometimes he thinks he's jason and rhen realizes hours later that jason phased out way earlier and it's been T this whole time#leo and jason are dating - which is complicated when sometimes you're an old man or a 14yr girl#and even more complicated when sometimes you dont realize that you're that old man or little girl until hours or even days later#after youve spent a couple hours here or there fooling around with your 17yr old best friend/boyfriend#so when leo understands this they talk about how they'll deal with it going forward#and ultimately jason is just. i trust you. i trust you with my intimacy. i trust you won't hurt me.#because overt systems online will say littles can't consent but what happens when you're blurry but all you know is you love your partner#and then a few days later you realize you were 40% teenage alter and 60% adult alter#or that a younger alter phased into the front and no one noticed because sometimes you don't notice#you still think you're you. maybe a little different. maybe your approach shifts. but there's no sudden sense of i am X not Y#i wish covert systems spoke more about situations like this 😅 i understand why covert systems aren't as prevalent online as overt systems#and that's basically what the story is trying to explain. that jason is complicated. but. he trusts leo not to make it worse.#leo won't. he loves jason. he will stop when jason says stop. he will hold his want for physical touch when he sees jj's twitches.#he will take care of him. even if he doesnt know who he is. and that's why jason trusts him.#happy talks about his stories#did!jason#alrighty i gotta get ready for a meeting in five lol
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