#the insecurity of my art can get to me but sometimes mental health is drawing my ocs in the dumbest way possible

[flowermist7432]

I was talkin with someone on my server about being afraid to draw art for fun; so I was like (paraphrased) "Be unapologetic and go outta your way to make bad art it unlocks the best part of your brain that let's you later make good art; Observe-"

[ch3rr13zk1n]

Alright its introduction time

Im CHERRIEZKIN! Please never fucking call me Chez ever EVER again. I dont wanna be associated with that oc anymore.

I mostly don't wanna actually smile IRL and just stay with a neutral expression. However i do like memes and things i enjoy. I just hate my emotions that's all! Also if you catch me being an awful person PLEASE tell me.

I tend to also get sorta uncomfortable with people being confused by my stuff or someone seemingly not in the same fandoms as me liking my stuff as it sorta makes my brain explode and PANIK!!! Not like you can't enjoy my stuff when you don't know shit about the stuff i like but it sorta makes me think some random adult or teenager just came across my stuff

And i occasionally make weird jokes about fictional characters (sorry about that I'm possibly hypersexual.) but i don't wanna see NSFW TOO often so purely NSFW accounts.... don't even like a single post of mine at all plz :3 (unless you make NSFW of characters i like like..... Heheh. Not really but really)

Also I'm a minor!!!!!!! Never forget that!

Sorry about the suggestive and NSFW jokes i have no idea why but sometimes i just have the urge to say that publicly on the internet. Maybe that furry fetish game i found when i was nine really did fuck me up badly. Also i password locked cherrysimpingtime for the sanity of the Wallter fans. D:

also here's the other apology for the suggestive and NSFW stuff

Anyways i got some interests like Solarballs, Shovelwares brain game (Ish since my intrest dried up a little), Captain underpants, The youtube shorts arg, Vocaloid (Ish), Undertale , SMG4, DHMIS, Alphabet lore, OMORI, FNF (Ish since the fandom sucked and a part of me refuses to go back there for my own mental health. However Vs Bob is here since its just my humor n stuff as an FNF mod), Bugbo (Ish since it got pushed aside by my other fixations), The amazing digital circus, Pretty blood, Art, BFDI, Object shows in general, Riddle school (Ish since the creator sucks and i only mentioned it here because i know what it is) REGRETEVATOR, Tally hall (ish), Vs Bob and etc

though i post about some fandoms more than others but it doesn't mean i don't like/don't know any fandom on this list that isn't mainly being posted about here

its just that i draw Wallter from REGRETEVATOR pregnant instead of talking about how Rinny from Pretty Blood is a fucking bitch because my fixations are in a constant war

i also have a Tiktok and a mostly abandoned Youtube account (don't look at certain posts on my tiktok you'll go blind)

Also this account is mostly full of shitposts, Memes, Reblogs and doodles so good luck finding high quality art here!! I don't put my own tags a majority of the time and don't even tag some of my posts with the art tag since I'm insecure and stuff. I do create a bunch of dumb shit like Wood Noise~ Bark Bark Dog Mannequins so maybe you can check stuff like that out if you like my shitposts.

Also Wallter is my favorite character and my heart cannot be put on a leash so i have a crush on that gayass

i respect the gay rep and its just that i got attracted because i don't fucking know (sorry)

I'm also a bit of a shipper and i ship Wallmark, Walljim/Jimwall, SlimJim, Skaterlight(maybe???) and etc. If you are uncomfy with any of the ships listed or literally want shippers of that stuff to get the fuck off your page then block me or tell to to leave your page

Also sometimes i don't read people's pinned posts and generally just reblog because that's sorta like a secondary more useful like button to me

i also had a bit of a tier list showing my opinions on the regret characters but that's kinda outdated and may not be fully reliable on my actual opinions on those characters however you should know that Wallter is.. According to my moots and other people... My comfort character, My favorite character and my fictional crush currently. He sorta means a bunch to me rn so don't potray them as a physical abuser or rapist.. Please. If you violate these boundaries then i may not hesitate to block you.

Actually.. Not just Wallter. ANY of my favorite characters.. Or maybe just any character in general unless its canon or smth and NOT romanticized. However i may not be able to tell which one is spreading awareness, a vent or just literal fetish/kink shit.

anyways that's all you need to know uhh have a weird image and stan Wallter on my page! (Not forcing dw)

[hollisartsblog]

Sorry for the long post, I just felt like I needed to get it out, if you want to read I'd be happy, if not, it's okay!

reading for the first time after almost 5 years what I used to write and think about late at night, and now I feel like doing it again, trying to find the right words.

I wanna talk about being in the moment as an artist, appreciating what you do, and not giving a fuck. (and loving ur young self)

I spent my teenage years drawing and posting here, so I had a lot to read tonight and to think about.

have u ever experienced that strange feeling, where you are like "wow. I was actually so beautiful and smart, who could have ever hated me?"

I was a completely different person, and maybe I miss that little girl, and maybe I hate her even a little. now, I'm not here to talk like I'm in a psychoanalyst's deckchair, of course. but I'm here, to resume the beautiful, however embarrassing in my opinion, habit of writing my most intimate thoughts (shareable, of course) that cross my mind at night, because maybe they can help someone, because we are never alone. just as they helped you years ago, just as it has helped me re-reading them now after all this time. I've had some crazy years. I was young, I was passionate and genuinely free to do whatever I wanted. I had friends, I had just sold a self-published book, I had "fans", I was "successful", I had good grades, I had a girlfriend, yet I wasn't happy. I know it sounds like the usual sweet story about happiness and self-satisfaction, but I don't think so (and even if it was, well, here we are ;) ) I didn't realize how necessary EVERYTHING that was happening to me was.

artists have a huge difficulty accepting that sometimes we have to look inside and accept that we have to constantly learn, instead we are always in a hurry to be perfect, to get likes, to earn, but that's not how it goes. I was literally 16 and already thinking about this, thinking I must be good enough to please everyone.

spoiler: you can never do that.

as I said years ago, our eyes are not the right eyes to judge us.

appreciate the compliments, don't dismiss them with an embarrassed smile. appreciate the effort and hours put into a work even if it is bad for you. hug your self when after a bad day you still have the courage to do what you love. being an artist is beautiful, but a huge burden, especially for us. remember that when our insecurities take over, we are not lucid.

yes, that drawing u posted that got 8 likes made 8 people feel something. how amazing is that?

yes, it will be fine, that text you wrote will be something new in someone's eyes, it won't be something read and re-read to make it perfect. you will amaze and make someone fall in love with what u did.

internet is an amazing place, and sometimes it's not. I got myself into a really bad place because I was too immature and too impatient to immediately be the artist I always felt I was, but NO ONE is after you with a clock ticking away time.

you really think someone care about how much time does it take you to get to your goal? why should it matter? I'm not going to list every single successful person who actually made it and tell you "look! they were poor now they are rich, so u can do it!". i'm telling you to always love the process; I would've punched myself in the face, I hated when adults told me this phrase, but it's true: everything pass. you are not gonna be like this forever. you are gonna love what you do one day, and love life because life takes but gives.

(tw: mental health) I spent years between psychologists and suicidal thoughts, I was never enough, and my art not only made me feel miserable, but it was one of the first reason I fell into depression. it always reminded me how plain, boring, and uninspired I was.

there was never anything that was right in what I did, every comment and every ask you sent me had no weight for me, they meant nothing because I didn't I believed in myself, yet I should have tasted it. now I reread them crying, not believing what I read. I was talented, man, I was full of ideas, I was amazing. I lost that spark, because of fear, of waiting for the right moment. i sabotaged myself because i was afraid of judgement, of pressure, when i had love around me, everywhere.

now I'm in Florence, far from home, studying in a private academy of animation and digital art. would I ever have thought that? absolutely no. I deserve it? Yes. because I, like you artists, have grown, we have learned, and I'll tell you this once and for all: do not give up. things are really getting better. now I'm not saying that because I magically healed and I love my art all of the sudden (unfortunately, I still really struggle) but please don't look at likes, followers. you're good, just because you love what you do, literally that's all that matters. I took a long break, now 2 years, because, as much as I didn't want to admit it, I was starting to hate what I was doing, it had become an obligation, a simple circle to mark before going to sleep on the to-do list. to alone.

16 years old. and it wasn't right.

love what you do, take breaks, post without checking a thousand times, show your work, accept compliments. you have created something, and that is enough.

look at you past as an amazing book you just read, the satisfaction coming from all the pages you already read and learnt from, now you are a different person thanks to them. look at you future with the same excitement when you still have a lot of those pages to read.

[simply-trash5]

What's up? Sorry in advance since this is gonna be kinda long. If it isn't too much trouble, could I please get a Trigun Stampede matchup? multiple characters are okay, if you think it's fitting or necessary.

I'm 21, non-binary pansexual/romantic, and polyamorous (no preference for gender)

General personality stuff:

MBTI is INFP

Ennegram types 2, 4 and 8

Zodiac Taurus sun, pieces moon and rising

Not sure if appearance matters but- 5'3, chubby and kinda muscular, lots of scars on arms, chest, and legs. Fashion consists of graphic tees (with puns, memes, and trippy art) and jeans or shorts. I'll wear lots of different kinds of jewelry, and don't really have a set aesthetic.

Hobbies/likes- going to the gym, roller skating, playing video games, driving, listening to music (and singing along.. Badly), smoking weed, watching TV shows and movies, hanging out with friends, drawing, Writing, reading, going to museums/amusement parks, taking care of/watching animals

Positive traits: my friends have told me that I'm smart, funny/goofy, sarcastic, polite, thoughtful, strong, patient, trusting/trustworthy, empathetic and compassionate. My friends generally come to me for advice and I've been told I'm a good listener. I also like make myself useful (doing dishes, wiping down counters, laundry, etc) I'm passionate and very excitable and it makes me pretty talkative (when I want to be). Sociability depends on my mood. Sometimes I sit back and enjoy group dynamics, other times I participate more in conversation

Negative traits: tendency to be envious. I'm very self conscious/ insecure, and indecisive because of it. Bad habit of taking stuff personally and dwelling on issues that I should let go. can get annoyed/frustrated easily, especially if I'm overstimulated. also jumpy and gullible. Communication is very important to me in all my relationships, but when I get depressed, I tend to isolate.

Diagnoses: depression, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD

When I first meet people, I'm overly formal and will crack a few jokes, but once I'm familiar with someone, I cuss a lot and enjoy playful teasing, but I always encourage to set boundaries if they need to.

I collect a lot of stuff. I have a Ton of comfort items- my posters, stuffed animals, collectible figures, etc. I'm a big over thinker. I can be pretty independent and self sufficient (sometimes) but I'm also very very insecure and doubt myself a lot. Big on current events and media analysis. I've got lots of vocal stims and am pretty fidgety.

I show my love through acts of service and prefer words of affirmation. I enjoy doing things for my loved ones and making sure they can relax, feel safe, and be happy

I know this is pretty long, so I apologize if it's overwhelming. Please don't feel pressured to answer. Take care! 💛

First off—we honestly sound eerily similar. Like down to the mental health diagnosis’s and I’m also a Taurus sun. ☺️ so if ya wanna be friends✨✨😌

ANYWAY ON TO THE EVENT:

After careful consideration I’m putting you with both Vash and Nico!

I see you having a smoke sesh with Nico then talking with Vash about what’s going on in the world.

Both of these guys have some really awful trauma but they would both love nothing more than for you to talk with them about what’s bothering you! Vash would embrace your stimming, because let’s face it—he’s ADHD too. Nico would do everything he could to put all of your insecurities at ease by always telling you how beautiful and special you are to him.

Please shower them with love and expect it in return.

[turbulentscrawl]

Hello, good morning/afternoon/evening/night. I was wondering if I could get a matchup?

-I go by she/her and they/them. I'm still figuring out my preferences but if preferably to be matched with a male character.

-I am an infp, 4w3, love language (both giving and receiving are alright with me). When around people I'm unfamiliar with I'm more introverted and don't talk much but when around people I'm familiar I'm more talkative and expressive. I have trouble expressing myself (I express myself through my art sometimes not most of the time though so I'm more quiet on my emotions and just bottle it up) and I have trouble with understanding myself on an emotional level.

-My hobbies are drawing, reading a piece of literature or any book, making paper flowers or small clay items. I'm interested in the paranormal, urban legends, conspiracy theories, abandoned places, true crime cases, missing persons cases and I have a deep fascination with animal skulls. I'm a big fan of found footage or analog horror despite being someone who's easily scared.

-My personal flaws would probably be I tend to talk or mumble to myself, probably my anxiety when it comes to meeting new people or even interacting with someone, I can't say no to someone most of the time, I have a very messy sleep schedule, I get irritated easily and that I do procrastinate alot so most my work is done last minute or half assed.

-I don't have many life goals but some basic ones are getting into an art school (I hope to get into fine arts or architecture) and getting a good paying job to sustain myself in life, the more weird ones are exploring an abandoned building or town and doing some ghost investigation or starting a small animal skull collection.

-For relationship deal breakers would be someone who judges or compares me too much as I'm extremely insecure of myself and someone who doesn't respect boundaries (as I dislike physical touch even if the person touching me (like a hug) even if they're someone I'm close to but if they do I'd prefer if they tell me beforehand that they want a hug).

Thank you for reading this and I apologize if this was very messy, you don't have to do the match up if it's too little information to work with.

I Ship You With...Aesop Carl!

-This pairing is made due to your similarities! You both require patience concerning emotional communication and social anxiety, which I think should be easy given you can empathize with one another's struggles.

-Aesop has to be with someone who doesn't rely on physical touch to feel loved, and it's even better that you prefer not to have much of it at all. When either of you do need some contact, he prefers it to be bluntly stated so you can both mentally prepare for it. And when you do need something like a hug or a hand to hold, he prefers to be able to keep a skin barrier, like his gloves.

-Aesop is strict about some of his own scheduling, but doesn't care much about your own. His work and health are his, and yours are yours. That's not to say he doesn't care about your wellbeing...but he doesn't see it as his place to nag you. He'll give you an occasional reminder about your to-do's but otherwise he lets you handle your own stuff.

-Your Lova Language is missing from your 2nd point, but I'm guessing it was either Words of Affirmation or Quality Time based on the rest of the info, both of which Aesop prefers himself. He is a bit awkward about delivering praise--when he received it growing up, he was always paranoid that it was fake, and he's concerned you may feel that way when he does it--but he always has plenty of nice things to say about you in mind. Additionally, he loves parallel play. He's more than happy to sit near you while you both engage in your own hobbies and just check in with you occasionally.

-He's not easily disturbed or scared, so your love of true crime, analog horror, bones, and other "creepy" things don't bother him. He's likely to sit through some with you in his spare time--though he would like to put his two cents in throughout the video. Even when it's outside of his expertise, he obviously has a lot of experience with anatomy and bodily injuries. He's got some interesting perspectives, and may even help you conquer your fear of them a but to have them dissected?

Runner Up: Orpheus

[cherryrainn]

Hello! could I please get a Helluva Boss matchup? multiple characters are okay, if you think it's fitting or necessary.

I'm 21, non-binary pansexual/romantic, and polyamorous (no preference for gender)

General personality stuff:

MBTI is INFP

Ennegram types 2, 4 and 8

Zodiac Taurus sun, pieces moon and rising

Not sure if appearance matters but- 5'3, chubby and kinda muscular, lots of scars on arms, chest, and legs, brown eyes/hair. Hair is shoulder length, wavy, and usually dyed. Fashion consists of graphic tees (with puns, memes, and trippy art) and jeans or shorts. I'll wear lots of different kinds of jewelry, and don't really have a set aesthetic.

Hobbies/likes- going to the gym, roller skating, playing video games, driving, listening to music (and singing along.. Badly), smoking weed, watching TV shows and movies, hanging out with friends, drawing, Writing, reading, going to museums/amusement parks, taking care of/watching animals, and analyzing media

Positive traits: my friends have told me that I'm smart, funny, sarcastic, polite, thoughtful, strong, patient, trusting/trustworthy, empathetic and compassionate. Pretty self-sufficient and independent/productive. My friends generally come to me for advice and I've been told I'm a good listener. I also like make myself useful (doing dishes, wiping down counters, laundry, etc) I'm passionate and very excitable and it makes me pretty talkative (when I want to be). Sociability depends on my mood. Sometimes I sit back and enjoy group dynamics, other times I participate more in conversation

Negative traits: tendency to be envious. I'm very self conscious/ insecure, and indecisive because of it. Bad habit of taking stuff personally and dwelling on issues that I should let go. can get annoyed/frustrated easily, especially if I'm overstimulated. also jumpy and gullible. Communication is very important to me in all my relationships, but when I get depressed, I tend to isolate.

Diagnoses: depression, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD

Misc info: When I first meet people, I'm overly formal and will crack a few jokes, but once I'm familiar with someone, I cuss a lot and enjoy playful teasing, but I always encourage to set boundaries if they need to. I collect a lot of stuff. I have a Ton of comfort items- my posters, stuffed animals, collectible figures, etc. I'm a big over thinker. Big on current events and media analysis. I've got lots of vocal stims and am pretty fidgety.

I show my love through acts of service and words of affirmation. I enjoy doing things for my loved ones and making sure they can relax, feel safe, and be happy. I could talk about my friends for hours.

I know this is pretty long, so I apologize if it's overwhelming. Please don't feel pressured to answer. Much love to you 💛

I would pair you with….

Blitzo!

given your personality traits, interests, and preferences, i think you find a great match in blitzo. blitzo is known for his wit, humor, and sarcastic nature. like you, he's talkative, excitable, and enjoys playful teasing. his devil-may-care attitude aligns with your sociability depending on your mood. blitzo’s multifaceted personality, from formality to more casual interactions, resonates with your initial reservedness evolving into comfortable, informal exchanges.

while his hobbies may differ, his passion and energy could mirror your excitable nature.

both of you share a tendency to be envious and a struggle with insecurities.

he will absolutely come to you for advice, considering your empathetic and compassionate nature, friends are likely to come to you for advice. your good listening skills, combined with your thoughtful and patient approach, create a supportive environment for him to open up and seek guidance!!

both of you have your share of struggles—be it your mental health diagnoses or personal insecurities. this common ground could foster a deeper understanding and empathy between you two, making for a more supportive relationship.

blitzo’s sarcastic and has that sharp edge, but deep down, he's got a soft spot for those he cares about. sounds a bit like you, right?

and hey, acts of service and words of affirmation? blitzo might not say it outright, but deep down, he'd appreciate having someone who values connections and shows love through actions.

[sparrowkin]

While I recognize I’m too damn old for tumblr...

I accept the risk that I am shouting this out into the void. Having said so...Here are some thoughts I have had on bullying in the present and the past.

There is something people who refuse to engage in or use our time bullying that bullies--and abusive personalities--of nearly every stripe will simply never have. I wish with all my faded ginger hair-covered Druid brains that this thing was enough to protect the targets of abusers and bullies. I can’t pretend, even for an instant that it’s enough on its own; that would be dangerous and irresponsible. What I hope is that by sharing something even so simple that it’s probably a gold medalist in the “staggeringly obvious” category, if you’ve missed it or forgotten it, that you may get some recharge or some reinforcement or affirmation out of it. Thank you for bearing with me, whoever you are.

In Roald Dahl’s Matilda there’s a scene where Mr. Wormwood rips the book out of his daughter hands in rage that she is enjoying something that he cannot see the point of, that he cannot share or experience for himself, without (I think) reflecting on why this may be so. He rips every page from her library copy of The Red Pony,  this self-righteous rage at what he sees as exclusion (spoiler: it’s not exclusion Mr. awful fictional father of the year) just accelerating at every tear and crumple. 

What he can’t see is that he has not been excluded, unfairly or otherwise; he has exiled himself. An enormous percentage of bullies and abusers (I think) have at some point in their life exiled themselves without necessarily realizing that it was the kind of exile most likely to become forever. They do this for uncountable reasons, for all the motivations the kinder (than me, I am neither nice nor forgiving) guidance counselors and teachers and checked-out but well meaning parents assign; instability or violence they themselves are suffering from, insecurity, fear, unmanaged rage, undiagnosed mental health needs, the desperate need to fill a void by fitting in with some people even those people are predatory f&ckwafflers...Or even more benign reasons. More understandable and relatable reasons. All of their friends have declared themselves too old for She-Ra and just want to watch Grease. Jim Henson dies and suddenly nobody thinks Muppets are cool. Art projects are never going to be as good as That One Girl who Can Draw...

(Sometimes I think it’s happened because historically, things have been really, deeply bad and people have been pulled away from “childish stuff” to grow up faster, provide for their family in need sooner. Given how things went down in the Depression for my grandfather and basic empathy I am not here to cr&p on anybody in that position.)

What I’m getting at is that for a wide variety of possible reasons, good bad and ugly...people give up their appreciation of wonder. Sometimes it’s bit by bit so someone doesn’t even notice, sometimes it’s accelerated. Once gone though, it’s not impossible to get back but it is difficult, and our general society in the US doesn’t make that easier. 

Now the historian in me is making faces and grunting and preparing to sit up and hurl things--probably unintelligible personal papers from the 18th century or Civil War privy contents or toenail clippings of the Venerable Bede so let me just clarify; this is a theory based on the experiences and interpretations of literary and non fiction works by one person. One. I’m an undergrad lit major, I have a grad degree in history and some training in Mainline Liberal Ministry. I am spectacularly good at being wrong; I could be wrong here.

A sense of wonder and joy does not have to come from the Big Experiences in your life--that trip you were lucky to take to the Grand Canyon, the fan vaulting in Westminster Abbey, the Pacific or Atlantic Ocean, or a whale watch. I mean it can...of course it can but it can be very small as well...Skyscapes at 2pm from on foot wherever you live or for a hot minute in the car or through a window. The cat doing something ridonculous... A color in an ad on a Bus, a sparrow. TREES.--okay now I’m getting into what could be mistaken as Inspirational BS here so moving on...it can be a book, a story that grips each side of your head, pulls you down to the page and will not let you go until it’s over and you’re transported, transformed, legally High off Your Arse...wishing there was more. Sometimes it doesn’t matter worth a damn how you encounter that story--book, TV, movie, song...

It is my theory based on empirical observations and data from a very limited sample pool, I genuinely suspect, I even believe it is possible that bullies and abusers have exiled themselves so profoundly from Wordsworth’s (I can’t stand the guy but he got this idea right) “Inner Eye” and from the capacity to take in the larger world that they have lost the ability to do so in any way. There’s no inspiration or laughter or strength or hope or determination to draw from anything but domination of every nasty kind possible over anyone they can get into a position to dominate. (However unfounded my concern may be to clarify I do not mean a healthy responsible Dom/Sub dynamic here). In actuality, dominate may be the word they use to themselves, consciously but it’s really more about needing to tyrannize (not in the Greek city state definition) and then destroy any and all opposition. That imperative grows until a child reading a book becomes how dare they!?! because the bully/abuser recognizes that here is at least some portion of another human being’s experience that they can no more control than they can shape the weather. That chink in the armor, that gap in the advancing charge, that inaccessible bit is an unholy and raging terror to a lot of bullies and abusers. 

if you’ve been bullied it may well have been more than I was. It may still be going on. You may be in the slow and horrendously dangerous process of extracting yourself and everyone you love from the reach of one or more of the worst kind of bullies: abusers. I wish I could help you more than by simply saying all this. I’m more sorry than you will likely ever know that it’s not enough. But it’s out there.  (PS, I have ADHD. There will be typos.)

[merkleymrack]

its scary to make stuff its really fucking scary. whether you're putting yourself out there or just trying something new or committing to putting time and effort into something that makes you happy. why is it so nervewracking. i used to just make shit compulsively as a child and i wish i never stopped. but if i can find my way back to making art again i think i'll be able to progress a lot more and express a wider range of things. maybe. but i think first i just need to start sketching and doodling again to practice the motor skills. for a while i tried to take advantage of bursts of motivation as much as possible and i would draw until i couldnt stand it anymore and wonder why i was so tired afterwards. of course i got tired, i was completely out of practice. everything takes me longer than it used to so it takes more out of me. and im also way pickier and more indecisive than i used to be so its more of a mental strain too. (also mental health issues were taking a lot out of me at the time.) anyway im also starting to think that doodling so much as a kid was a way for me to process my thoughts/feelings and i fucked that up by becoming fixated on turning my passions into a career or income. honestly its not the first time ive had this thought, ive been thinking along these lines for years but its hard to confront the fact that it will take a lot of effort to reverse that damage. and it also doesnt benefit anyone except for me in a highly personal way, and it probably wont amount to any external signifiers of achievement or success. its "just" something that might make me a bit happier and more in touch with my own emotions. rationally thats clearly a worthwhile thing in and of itself, but emotionally i feel guilty about deciding to actively spend more time on something "frivolous" and i feel like i have to justify it somehow. yeah. so im gonna draw some silly shit and its gonna feel like a huge big deal and i'll have to try extremely hard to power through feeling embarassed to be alive and embarassed to be struggling with things that are outside of my comfort zone. and it stings worse and more acutely because it used to be firmly within my comfort zone, it used to be its own coping mechanism. if anyone reads this i want you to know that there doesnt have to be any greater justification for making art than doing it cause it makes you happy. but its also really normal to have a bunch of complex insecurities about it, yes even if you used to make a lot of art in the past. sometimes you lose touch with something very important to you and it hurts and it is difficult to confront that hurt. but i am the only person on the planet who can decide to find my way back and i have to weather the hurt to get there.

[student-in-nightraven]

Hello can I get a matchmaker with obey me please?

I am a female who goss by she/they and an asexual lesbian (though for the sake of the match I don't mind getting paired with one of the boys).

I'm half russian half German but can only speak a little russian(can understand it though) while fluently speaking German.

I like everything that has to do with art but hate sports. I love philosophy and psychology and anime. I don't really like interacting with people though and like being alone. But when talking to people I talk alot, which annoys some. My love language is act of Service & words of affirmation. I am a bit weird so I'm not really good at relationships and love. My mental health is real' shitty and I'm a bit of a perfectionist and insecure. My main positive traits are being creative, helpful, organized and hardworking.

I you with....

...

.. S4tan!

Was deciding between thirteen and s4tan but congratulations you got s4tan!!

You 2 in my eyes would be the perfect match I hc that he's fluent in all of the languages and helps you learn Russian better, he likes to talk to you in any language.

He loves to draw with you, you got yourself an art buddy!! He'd spend hours of relaxing moments with you just drawing and once he finds out your into philosophy and psychology he'll shove those types of books in your face, he says if you like it animated you'll like it written (tho if you don't want to he'll back off) as for the interacting part being completely honest he doesn't either, he prefers spending time alone and with you too (sometimes he'd bring a cat to your room so you guys could parent it) when he found out your unsecure about how you might "talk too much" he frowns and sits next to you with a determined look telling you to talk to him about anything you want as long as you want (he loves hearing your voice, it's very soothing).

He'd gift you books occasionally and take you out on night strolls to fetch for cats to pet and love them, he always compliments your achievements no matter how small or big they are.

He's a perfectionist too so you guys would sit down and chat about the struggles of that, he'd always comfort you when you're down and you'd always comfort him when he lost his temper.

He loves your positive traits with your creativity the anti-lucifer league is powerful and you guys prank him with different types of ideas each time.

He loves how organised and hardworking you are, he always encourages you, makes sure you know his proud of you and that you take breaks too.

Basically you 2 are the couple everyone wishes to be like

You guys match perfectly (⁠●⁠’⁠3⁠)⁠♡⁠(⁠ε⁠`⁠●⁠)

Thank you for the request!!!

[buckysmith]

Heya, I saw that you do matchups for the MW2 guys and was wondering if you could do a matchup for me? :]

I'm female (but I use all pronouns), I'm 5'5", and german. I can write and speak pretty good english, but my only problem is sometimes pronouncing words and the grammar. I got black dyed hair with two red dyed streaks. My hair is little longer past my shoulders. I got blue/grayish eyes and I am on the chubbier/curvier side, and i'm kinda insecure about it.

I love to wear band t-shirts and hoodies but also sometimes crop tops but only with a thin cardigan on top of it. When I do my makeup I usually do puppy eyeliner and red/purple eyeshadow.

To my personality, i'm actually quite shy, I actually had a pretty bad social anxiety back then but nowadays its not as bad anymore. But I can also be a cocky/sassy if I want to be. When someone is talking shit about me, they sure can expect to get something back. But besides that i'm quite friendly, caring sweet and a bit lazy but i'm working on it. But I also got some special type of humor, mostly 18+ humor.

When it comes to my hobbies, I love to draw, mostly characters and I shot airrifle in my freetime,

But I hope this isn't too much and I already say thank you!^^

Hmmm I’m not quite sure who I’m gonna match you up with, hmmm, do I match you with some British man or a lovely Austrian….

I guess I’m taking one of the British guys

I guess I’m gonna take John Mc fricking Tavish.

He would love your accent so much and he doesn’t care that you miss pronounce words from time to time, he would definitely ask you to teach him German, but he would fail terrible at it, he wouldn’t understand anything but “Hallo” or “Guten Tag”.

But he’s a Scottish man and sometimes you would have a little problem understanding him, some words are just blabbering mixed with random English words even as someone who’s an native speaker, cause Scottish is something else… something really weird.

He absolutely adores your curves and if you let him he will constantly touch you, just to feel you makes him so incredibly happy (even if it’s just your hand) and expect a LOT LOT of praises. He will make sure to show you how beautiful you are and that everything about you is perfect the way it is, but he would help you if you want to work on yourself, be it on your mental health or your body or just doing something and being productive instead of doing nothing

He also loves your style, and maybe just maybe he would dye some of his hair in the current color of your hair. (He would do it, definitely)

If you ever meet König it would be over for him, he isn’t really a jealous typ of boyfriend but König speaks your language, he has social anxiety as well and somehow your humor and your general personality matches his so…- is this some kind of a German Austrian alliance?

He would definitely stay next to you, trying show König that you’re already taken

You wouldn’t notice what’s happening but the Austrian would, smirking under his mask like a maniac knowing the Scottish doesn’t understand anything if he speaks German so he would tell you to act normal while he spills the tea with you how your boyfriend try’s to intimidate him

After that you should give your boyfriend a little break, maybe tell him some joke maybe even some 18+ one… but tell him anything but something about half a dog, thanks to ghost he’s traumatized

Did I say that he praises you? Well I say it again, seeing the things you made (your art) just impresses him and he wants to show it to everyone (if your comfortable with)

[certifiedbundleofsticks]

okay so i am still procrastinating making the oc posts but I realized that i never actually posted these answers to questions about newt that no one asked and I actually wrote them like ages ago (aka a few months i think) but yes here they are!! keep reading if you're interested in the crop-top wearing blond mullet twink i keep drawing!! i am copying them straight off of my deviant art page in case you're wondering why they're written more properly than my regular posts. also i am on pc for once idk how thisll look on mobile

content warning for drug use, alcohol use, sex and self harm idk if there's a way to tag it officially or if i should just mention it here

Full Name? Nathan Anthony Cooper

Nicknames? Newt

Pronouns? He/Him

Age? Depends on "when" in his storyline we're talking about, but I typically draw him around 20-26 :]

Birthday? January 15

-----------------------------------------------

Where was he born? Where does he live now?

He was born in Florida, USA, and lived there for the first few years of his life, but moved to Texas with his mother and younger sister when his parents divorced. A few more years later, they moved to England, which is where he lives now. I have yet to decide where in England, though.

Who are his parents?

His mother, Sally Mae Cooper, is a business woman, and she used to breed Tennessee Walking Horses back in America. She still has a breeding program in England, but in a much smaller scale, and most of the foals get exported back to the states, for her old breeding partners to use. She doesn't like to just lounge around, and almost always keeps busy. She sometimes struggles with balancing her attention, which has made Newt feel quite left out, especially when he was younger. When Sally isn't busy with her job or the horses, she's often spending time with Newt's sister, Emily, as the two of them have more in common than her and Newt does. She does love her two children equally, even if she struggles with showing it. Newt's father is an irrelevant pos and does not even have a canon name.

Does he have any siblings?

Yes! I've already mentioned her briefly, but he has a younger sister. Her name is Emily, and she's two years younger than Newt. She likes sports, specifically soccer, horseback riding (eventing and vaulting), and roller skating. Her and Sally travel to horse events together quite often, which, once again, makes Newt feel a little left out. Her and Newt get along like siblings typically do, with screaming matches and pointless arguments, quickly solved by a "hey, can I borrow your charger?" five minutes later. She did distance herself somewhat when Newt's mental health spiraled.

What does he work as?

Once again, depends on when in his life we're focusing on, but the answer is either university student, stripper, prostitute or bartender.

-----------------------------------------------

How tall is he?

193cm, which I believe is around 6'3''

Hair and eye color?

His hair is blond naturally, but he used to dye it when he was younger. (Turquoise at 13, black at 14, natural with a turquoise streak at 15, and natural since then). His eyes are blue.

What style of clothes does he wear?

Does he consider himself attractive?

Oh, loaded question!! So many thoughts!! Okay, so, Newt's response to this question would probably be something like "Well, duh, have you seen me? Are you blind? Suffering from some kind of brain damage?", but truthfully? He's very insecure. He doesn't leave the house without spending an hour on his appearance - including make-up. Yup, he canonically wears make-up. Also, those iconic, long lashes of his? They're fake. He most definitely says they're real though. So, to answer the question: He does not.

I am absolute garbage at labeling styles, but in public, he mostly wears leather pants, boots and crop tops, with accessories like a harness, bracelets, rings, etc. At home he wears sweatpants and comfier crop tops. He wears short shorts at the gym specifically to get attention and looks, fun fact.

Any scars, piercings, tattoos, birthmarks, etc?

Pierced ears, snakebites, an eyebrow piercing, and a tongue piercing. He's got tattoos on his hands and arms, and a tramp stamp. He also has a small, shitty tattoo on his inner thigh. He got that one for free at a party.

-----------------------------------------------

Allergies?

Pollen

Left- or right-handed?

Left-handed

Any notable body language?

He scratches the back of his neck when he's nervous, and he almost always sits with his legs crossed, if that counts. He also covers his mouth when laughing.

School stuff

Newt was one of the few kids in his high school who were openly LGBT, which had its obvious side effects. That, combined with his obsession with his appearance, left him with very few friends.

He only stayed in uni for about two years, eventually dropping out. Even if he hadn't dropped out, he would likely have been expelled, as he had straight F's and mostly spent his time there partying. He spent more of his days there intoxicated than he did sober.

What about after uni?

He moved back home to Sally, still intoxicated most of the time, using his mother's money to fuel his addictions and habits. A few arguments and crashed cars later, Sally had enough of his shit, got him a house, gave him enough money to survive until he got a job, kicked him out and told him to get his shit together.

What was his dream job as a kid?

Rockstar

-----------------------------------------------

Greatest fear?

Abandonment

Attachment style?

Fearful avoidant

Does he have a partner?

Newt has had multiple partners through his life, always wanting to be in a relationship, but getting cold feet as soon as things get serious. Him and Ben are endgame though.

Friends?

Marc is Newt's closest friend. They met wayyy back as kids, when one of them saw the other harassing bugs at the park. Max is another relevant friend, him and Newt met in uni, being friends with benefits and generally just enabling each other's bad habits. Newt ghosted him after Max OD'd at one of Newt's parties.

Does he tend to argue with people, or does he avoid conflict?

He gets into arguments quite often as he's emotional and impulsive, but he retaliates quite quickly. He's all bark and no bite.

Is he a listener or a talker?

Talker, or infodumps, listens to infodump, infodumps, etc etc.

How quickly does he judge people?

Very

-----------------------------------------------

Hobbies?

Playing the guitar, clubbing, most music related things, working out, and video games.

Favorite color?

Black, or dark turquoise

Favorite food?

Salads

Favorite candy?

Lolipops

Favorite snacks?

Popcorn

Favorite ice cream flavor?

Mint chocolate chip

Favorite movie genre?

Horror and slashers

-----------------------------------------------

Does he smoke?

Yes

Use drugs?

Yes, specifically cocaine and MDMA.

Alcohol?

Yes. He prefers wine, if you're curious.

How does he deal with stress?

How long is his attention span?

Diagnosed ADHD.

Self harm in the form of drugs and sleeping around. Alternatively, breaking down sobbing on the bathroom floor.

-----------------------------------------------

Does he like animals?

Yes, especially cats.

What about children?

He finds them loud, gross and annoying. His niece is the exception.

Does he have any pets?

Yes, multiple!

Onyxia, a super black pastel ball python

Asparagus, a calico cat with a bob tail

Petrol, a tortie cat (he made a vest for her out of an old pair of jeans)

Jägermeister, an older, black tabby cat with a relatively harmless but permanent cough

Other notable stuff?

He's not actually gay, he's bisexual with a heavy male preference. Common misconception, especially as I never really draw him with women.

If you've got any questions at all, ask away, I could talk about this guy for hours :]

[totallynotadarlansassasin]

well the wellbutrin gave me depression but I came out enlightened because of it!

this drawing means much more than a project to me now.

so for some reason an art class I'm taking said that we had to write ten adjectives, then draw lines depicting those adjectives. The word I chose to draw was "scattered"

I, a non artist, who does not draw nor exhibit any sort of artistic talent or hand eye coordination required to pass an art class Decided to do one of the hardest patterns ever (not actually!).

You can see why that was a bad idea.

BUT I thought it would look cool when I finished so i just went with it.

until i couldnt?

and I snapped.

I was never the best student. I was barely even average. I was struggling to get by. Every semester, every assignment, every day.

If it wasnt math it was science. If it wasnt science it was history. If it wasnt history in was english. You get the gist.

Every school year wore longer. And it wore me down.

People kept telling me that thats just what it feels like.

That school is supposed to be hard.

And I told myself that too.

I put aside all of my anger and frustration and my mental health to achieve the goals my parents had for me.

Every year I'd fight to maintain my GPA. Id fight to comprehend the assignments. To remember every due date. To join every club.

It got me nowhere. I gained nothing from it. I made friends! I felt incompetent. It felt never ending.

As long as i can remember i'd work twice as hard and get half the results. so i was always echausted.

Feeling like youre going insane for a mediocre result.

Teachers would scoff at my work sometimes. " you cant turn this in"

You have to make an effort.

You have to 'try'

none of them know what trying actually feels like.

I got a 2 year degree

Went back to start a four year.

Taking all art classes this semester. I thought that I'd get a break. That i'd finally do something I enjoy. I was wrong.

I was insecure about everything I drew. Every time I put my pencil to the page, something was wrong. The line was crooked. The angle was off. The shape was wrong.

"I hate everything. Everything I draw is stupid and wrong and I hate my life-"

"are you ok?"

I didnt even realize I was rambling out loud.

"its fine"

I filled out my transfer application

realized i took the wrong class.

broke down.

went to finish my work.

realize that i took the wrong class and that the other class was RIGHT!

broke down a gain.

A lady prayed for me in the middle of a starbucks

The idea of going back to college filled me with so much dread.

Thats when I realized I just shouldn't go.

So im not.

Its a tough decision.

At 23 Im ditching the only thing Ive ever known. School. But I know that I dont have another semester in me. I know that if I went, i wouldnt glean anything from it. And when I think about where I will be in a year from now, I genuinely dont believe I'll be back in college. And it fills me with joy. It brings tears to my eyes.

[nj-in]

yeah so 😛

tbh this is a (very fucking long holy shit) kinda silly vent post cause I don’t feel like eating but I also haven’t even eaten since lunch and it’s 10 at night

honestly it’s kinda cringe and partially ranting about my shitty art don’t read if you don’t want to ig

I think I’m a workaholic and it’s probably not healthy but I need something to do all the time. I’m a writer/artist, and I’m constantly working and shit just for fun but I’m not sure if it’s worth it if my efforts aren’t recognized or even seen by others.

(This is already getting depressing lol)

Oh yeah main point: I’m either mentally exhausted or I’m just weird cause of my eating habits. Like, why tf am I already full after eating 2 bites of my meal?? Even I can tell that I should be able to finish it all if people around me can too.

Art as well (connecting to the workaholic point above). I’m always doing art, and when I really do feel like it, I can literally just spend hours, no eating, drinking water or other shit, and just draw. But like, I’m not really a big artist. Yes, sometimes people see my work, and are probably like ‘That’s cool 🤷’ but does that mean it’s good or what babe 😔

Art for me, I spend a lot of my time on it and stuff, so when my shitty 20 minute doodles do better than my other works, it kinda sucks, knowing that I get more recognition for my quick things than the other things that I spend more time on.

There’s also like insecurities and stuff I have about my stuff, since there are so many people better than me at art, and some of them have been doing it for a shorter period of time and are just way better than I am. Like, I know some kinds of comparison are just unhealthy (making you feel bad about yourself and doubting your worth and your ability ) but I think it’s kinda becoming a problem for me.

Some people learn quicker, and I am not one of them tbh. It’s great if you can become a good artist within a short amount of time, but I guess I’m just salty about how I suck at art and stuff compared to others 💀

like, I wish that I could be someone memorable, not like a bug you saw once and killed then forgot about. For another post, I talked about my phobia (being forgotten), and it kinda resonates here but not at the same time.

if my stuff doesn’t leave an impact, how am I supposed to know if you remember it or not? If my work isn’t worth remembering, it means that I need to improve, or that I need to just get some balls and grow up, which is relevant to this point 😛

If you saw my art or one of my posts, then just forgot about it and never remembered again, doesn’t that mean I’m just some random person on the internet? I know you’d die normally without knowing if I’m alive or not, and I respect that.

I’m not memorable, I’m not special, I’m not even that good at art tbh.

I just hope that I can at least try be someone to be remembered, to have someone know I at least existed, even if nobody else cares. And I hope my dumb eating problems and my workaholic brain and my mental health is chiller in the future idk.

thank you a lot for taking the time listening to me talk. Really. I love you and I hope you have a great life, even if this is the only post you’ve ever seen from me ❤️

[livingdiarrhea]

Here’s a vent with a good ending:

Sometimes I worry that the reason I am so good in school is because I’m not as busy as anyone else.

That everyone else has hobbies and passions or extracurriculars they are very good at, so understanding school is harder for them since they’re so busy. Or that everyone else has “valid” reasons for not being good at school (mental health issues, disorders, etc).

That everyone else who is my age and school smart is leagues better than me because they do extracurriculars on TOP of being school smart! Who cares if I’m 2 grades above in math, they’re super good at gymnastics! And this person does art really well! And that person is in the journaling club!

I mean, I do extra curriculars too, I take vocal lessons and am learning piano and music theory. And I did speech and debate for half the year.

But I guess I tell myself those aren’t valid. I was one of the worst people at speech and debate, and only did the bare minimum just to get credit (while still trying to look like I put in effort, because although I didn’t go to a lot of actual events, I still put quite a bit of time in speech and debate). I’m not that good at singing, everyone who tells me otherwise is just doing so to protect my feelings or keep me doing singing. I’m not good at piano either.

Well, I have hobbies! I have drawing as a hobby.

But no, it’s not valid. Im not good enough. People who don’t even like art are leagues better than me!

I write!

your writing is not that good. Sure, you can write an essay for school, so what? Other people can do that! Your stories are bad, your fan fiction is bad.

Well, I’m a good friend…

No you aren’t. You care about no one. You forget to call your friends constantly! You’re extremely socially awkward, and weird, and annoying! And it’s not like you were born that way or you can’t control it! You can! You’re just lazy!

And I know, all of that can’t be true. It just can’t…but sometimes I feel I don’t have a good counter argument.

Maybe there isn’t a counter argument. Maybe the only reason I have good grades is because I’m just lazy.

It’s not like I had to struggle. It came to me so easily, I understand things quickly in school. But I can’t do many basic chores. I don’t know crap about geography or events in history. I only have an A because I know how to memorize, I know what schools want, and I’m lucky to go to a good school.

Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing special about me. Like I’m below average. Or worse, I’m worst than almost everyone.

But that can’t be true either? I don’t know. I doubt a lot of things.

Am I only successful because of how lazy I am? Will I never be accepted into any college because they’ll see right through my facade? My disguise of being adequate?

I wanted to be a therapist, but I can barely speak to another human being normally.

Sometimes I think I might have a mental disorder or something, but maybe it’s just to justify my insecurity. It’s just that I feel…different than most people.

Is it just social anxiety? But I’m not always worried, I act weird and then got self-conscious about it?

I feel like there’s a disconnect between my brain and my body. I think I think smart, but all my actions and words sound like I’m immature. Like I’m stupid.

I think my personality seems to not be a solid thing. It’s just floating around waiting for me to find it. I act so different every few months, depending on my friends, my mental state, and especially what content I’m consuming.

I have a lot going on. And yet, so little.

I went through a really rough time in my life about a year ago. And even with EVERYTHING I feel right now. I still feel better than I did before. I feel less hopeless.

I don’t have friends, or at least, ones that I’m truly close with. But I’m okay.

Something’s suck. But I have two dogs. I have my family. I have my hobby and my little characters that I created in my head.

I have singing and piano and my grades.

I have my writings, my fanfic, my tumblr blog.

Im not living in a hotel anymore. I have my clear phonecase with it’s little cards, and my house, and my own room.

I have my art, in all of it’s messy, anatomically incorrect glory.

I have my skill set, whether it is less or more than anyone else’s doesn’t matter. It’s a skill set I can use to live a happy life.

I have a future and hope and value and worth.

[marsgod]

Hello! I'm here to request a romantic MHA matchup if you could please! I'm a 16 year old female but I look and act mature for my age(due to trauma) so I often get mistaked as an 18 year old or even older sometimes. Some good qualities of mine are maturity, level headedness, and then I can be motherly. Some bad traits can include bluntness, coming off as cold, and stubbornness. I'm an introvert so i hate being around crowds and speaking infront of people I also have social anxiety so that doesn't help... I would much prefer staying at home watching anime and petting my pets than going out... More of my fun and loud side comes out around my friends or the right people. My hobbies or things I enjoy include hanging out with friends, swimming, listening to music, art, laying in bed on my phone, animals(I want to work with animals as a job), watching anime, the ocean(I love water if I could choose a quirk it would be water based), stargazing(I love galaxies, the moon and stars I find everything so fascinating), the colors black, blue, purple, then finally goth/emo style and aesthetic! Some dislikes of mine are bananas, P.E./sports(volleyball is okay tho), and men/father figures in my life-. My music taste includes the artists, The Neighborhood, Girl In Red, The Arctic Monkeys, Billie Eilish, Melanie Martinez, Alec Benjamin, Corpse, and Conan Gray! I'm bisexual/omnisexual so either gender could work but in mha I lean towards having a stronger preference for the guys compared to the girls so do with that what you will. Traits I dislike in others are immaturity, impatience, disrespect, pushing boundaries, and not listening. Traits I look for in others are respect, kindness, understanding, patience, and humor. A bit about my appearance is I have longish black hair, pale skin, freckles, i'm a bit chubby, and tall(5'8). Im also very insecure and I doubt myself a lot but I'm trying to work on that! Some love languages include words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch and sometimes acts of service. I have mental and physical health issues so I would need someone who could accept and be able to handle that. I would also need someone that would accept that I have trauma as well. I would want this relationship to be a two way thing so its very important that they give the same effort I'm giving into the relationship. I would prefer not to be matched with Denki, Bakugou, Iida, Tokoyami or any adult since I'm a minor. I think thats it... I'm sorry if I missed anything you needed or if this is to long! I understand if you don't get to me right away! I hope your having a nice day! Thank you!

╰┈➤ I’d match you with…Koji Koda!

ngl Koda is a tiny tiny bit intimidated before realizing you weren’t actually meaning to come off as mean

likes how motherly you can be, he thinks its admirable along with your love for animals

will give you some tips for carrying and petting the animals you have/want to work with

(may, may not steal your dogs on accident)

doesn’t mind if you don’t feel like talking, or if you do, Koda likes hearing yoh talk and just vibing with you<3

doesn’t know much about astrology or stars but will trace your freckles like connect the dots, will try to draw them in the shape of actual constellations (til he’s told that those aren’t actual star constellations)

Koda is super patient and willing to wait for you, but he’s also the type to not do anything until told (simply due to not wanting to annoy you by accident)

his love language definitely leans on quality time and and giving gifts! Small, homemade ones like flower chains or small pouch resembling your favorite animal!

“…” Koda has a small smile, so much love in his stare as you rambled on.

[sweetlittlevampire]

Okay, I know that I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I feel like giving one nonetheless. Or maybe I just wanna talk into the void that’s the internet, because it’s easier than talking to an actual person, but -

I don’t like May 15th.

Which is an odd thing to say, because the day per se isn’t a bad day. I have very dear friends who were born on that day. I am trying to think about them on this day, about making them happy. I am trying to make May 15 th a nice and happy day for myself. And most years, at least the past few ones, I succeeded in doing so pretty well.

But on some years, I do get remined that May 15th was also my father’s birthday, and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Especially if my mother decides to casually forget that there are things you simply do not say to someone else, even in jest, thank you very much.

(Heavy mentions of mental/emotional/psychological as well as physical abuse and mentions of suicide under the Read More. Proceed at your own discretion.)

If you’ve been around for long enough, you probably know that my relationship with my father was not the best. He lied to my mother about wanting children because he thought he could get her to stay with her that way. He told her he never wanted kids when I was fourteen; he successfully hid that truth from the whole family the whole time.

He didn’t hide it from me. Every minor inconvenience, every deviation from what he deemed his “standard” - and I mean even minor things, like not wanting to wear the colour socks he’d picked out for me - was met with degrading and humiliating comments, yelling, and sometimes even a beating. Every hobby I picked out - drawing, reading, crochet - every choice I made academically - pursuing languages and linguistics and literature - was met with comments that were aimed at making me feel completely worthless as a human being. Because what I love doing most was worthless to him, so anyone doing those things was a worthless person by default.

(If you ever wondered why I am so unreasonably insecure about my art and my writing at times? here’s your answer.)

I got severely ill during my teen years, which was stress-induced, and my father didn’t believe me for one second that I really was sick, despite of having an actual diagnosis, meds to take, and being unable to eat food or drink without breaking down crying because I was in so much pain (oh yeah, trying to beat your kids so they stop crying when they’re in pain does not work. We tried that too.)

It might seem super trivial, but the yellings and the beatings were so bad that I was afraid to come home from school. My father developed heavy alcoholism in his late years - he literally drank himself to his grave - and there were days on which I was begging for him to be extra drunk. Because it meant he’d probably be asleep and would leave me alone.

(Drunk enough that he was still semi-conscious was...a whole different thing,)

He wasn’t nice to my mother either. She has Multiple Sclerosis, and he tried to make her believe that she was faking it too (didn’t work). He had zero respect for neither me nor her and got physically violent with her as well, as if the whole stress wasn’t taking enough of a toll on her health as is. I remember her legs stopping to work completely for a couple of weeks because of it all when I was around six or so.

(Side note: If you’re wondering why my mother never left him - both my parents were on disability pension, but because my father got his disability pension years before my mother did, she would’ve had to pay him a special alimony, which she could never have afforded back then with her meager job and a child. She knows this because she actually consulted a divorce lawyer about it.

That, and fear. It’s a paralysing thing.)

I didn’t like my father. I think it’s safe to say that he didn’t like me either. He still expected birthday gifts on May 15th.

Which were either met with indifference, or with disgust. “That’s all? So that’s what I’m worth to you, huh? Thought so” he said while actually tossing it into the trash. ...it was an expensive stationery set with a fountain pen, a ballpoint pen, and a mechanical pencil. Emerald green with gold accents. Monogrammed.I remember this so distinctively because I had saved my allowance for almost a whole year to get the thing, simply because I foolishly thought “Hey, he always uses fountain pens. He likes those. Getting  a quality one that is personalised will maybe make him like me too? Just a bit?” ...an idiotic thought in hindsight.

I still think about the birthdays. I often think about my father - I look like him. On particularly bad days, I look into the mirror, and all I see is him.

I know I sometimes behave like him, in the sense that...I kind of have a bad temper? And I tend to get loud when I’m upset. I don’t know if it’s genetics, or if it’s learned behaviour. I have told most of my friends and family to tell me whenever I’m doing it, because sometimes I do it without noticing...and I’m actively trying to unlearn it. Sometimes there are slip-ups, and I make mistakes. It happens, but please tell me if I mess up, so I can apologise and do better next time.

Now my mother is equally hot-headed, equally stubborn, equally as loud. So when we argue, it tends to get messy sometimes.

Like today. It was because of something minor, I don’t even recall what it was about, but I ended up raising my voice in frustration and anger, which frankly, was a bad move. I need to work on that.

So my lovely mother, who already told me once that I am but “a ruined human being” to her, proceeds to look me in the eye, and says:

“You are just like your father.”

And leaves the room.

And I know that she probably meant “You are just as loud as him”, but it sent me spiralling.

Because my father was a manipulative, self-absorbed, irascible, abusive human being who didn’t shy away from driving his daughter into depression and to the brink of suicide with his words and his fists.

And I’ve been wondering for the last few hours: what if she’s right? I already adopted some of his behaviour and am having a hard time unlearning it. What if there’s more? What if I am a manipulative, self-absorbed, irascible, abusive human being and I don’t notice it?

What if I’m hurting and scaring my mother in the same way that he did? What if I’m hurting my girlfriend in the same way that he did? And just cannot see it?

Look. Objectively and logically I know it’s not the case. But my brain keeps circlimg back to “But what if it IS the case?” and I am disgusted and scared and insecure and just want to crawl into a hole and never to come out again because what if my brain is right?

...May 15th, yall.