#the inner struggle im having with myself over this is real

[sorcerersandskillusers]

Bungou stray dogs takes forgettable characters and turns them into flushed out fan favourites, without it seeming forced or rushed

This series can take completely random characters and in just a few panels/lines get me fully invested in there stories and lives.

There are so many examples of this

Tachihara: No one really cared about this guy at first, a lot of people (myself included) even got him confused with Tanizaki, he was the definition of forgettable.

Then boom, they reveal that not only is he a traitor, but he is also struggling with his identity and finding a place to truly belong, this inner conflict making him feel way more human and making him a fan favourite.

Rimbaud: During 'Dazai Chuuya 15' I just thought Rimbaud was a typical " I have to kill you for power and I'm evil bad guy" and I never thought I'd end up liking him.

But then in 'Stormbringer' with less then 10 pages worth of story, He was transformed into an incredibly tragic figure who desperately wanted save his partner from the pit of despair and loneliness he was falling into; but couldn't, and in the end had to give up his humanity to prove that he really loved him. and suddenly I'm crying over him.

Aya: When she was introduced I just thought she was purely motivation for Kunikida, she was kind of annoying and seemed like a very one off character.

But then they bring her back as one of the most important characters in the current conflict, and are showing us her backstory. which is a horrifyingly realistic case of child abuse, and a parent who loves the memory of his wife and daughter more then the real daughter still Infront of him. And now I just want to hug her and tell her that she is perfect the way she is.

There are loads more so here some rapid fire.

Higuchi: Wan gives her the chance to fully embrace the #girlfail lifestyle she has in the show, which made me like her a lot more

Gin: Seeing her have a life outside of the mafia, and that not taking away from how terrifying and competent she is as an assassin, expands her character and humanises the Port Mafia as a whole.

Bram: Not just making him "I am the lord of darkness, who just wants to consume the whole world and destroy everything because evil"

But instead making him feel like as much of a victim as the agency in The Decays plot and letting him want a radio so he can listen to music.

There are loads more but you get the picture.

So if you ever feel like a character was completely waisted, or that they never had a satisfying arc, just give it time and have faith in Asagiri.

He takes his time sometimes but keeps surpassing my expectations.

Characters Im excited for in the future:

Margret Mitchell.

Agatha Christy.

Alexander Pushkin.

Q

[neobora]

how did you got out of the cycle where you know what to do, i 100% intellectually understand everything about the law. but its so difficult to apply and i do know im making myself feel stuck but idk how to completely rid of the feeling of getting discouraged once i fall back to the old state, and trying and trying

you are forgetting who you really are.

right now you are identifying with the outer man, you have to work for your manifestations, youre struggling, youre stuck. but that‘s just the inner man THINKING he is the outer man! build up faith and trust in yourself by realising you are the only one who chooses what gets expressed into the 3d.

To the Inner Man EVERYTHING ALREADY IS TRUE, not to the outer. IT ALREADY IS SO, to the Inner Man. There is no convincing necessary, no 1,000 affirmations, no repeating over and over hoping it works, IF YOU IDENTIFY YOURSELF WITH THE INNER MAN. If you claim to be the One Within, you will find it incredibly easy, I will say natural, to FEEL what you want. Pay attention to what I am saying: When you imagine your "end" is it not ALREADY SO? You did not imagine "How" to get there, you are already there in imagination. Your issue is NOT in imagining the end, your issue lies in who you are identifying yourself with. If you imagine yourself in the end, which is easy, but then you identify yourself with the outer-man, you will breed nothing but frustrations. However, if you first identify yourself with the One Within, and then imagine your end, you will not question if you "are going to get it," you HAVE IT! The Inner Man always has it. He see's the end, he is the one who creates his own fate. The Inner Man is his own destroyer and redeemer. Identify yourself with the inner man. The immortal you. Not this body nor this outer-life. If you want freedom, love, joy, happiness, confidence. If you want to be a King/Queen, treated like a god/goddess, loved beyond your wildest dreams, then identify yourself with the INNER MAN. The Inner Man can have all those desires fulfilled because Imagination is infinite. - Edward Art (Self Identification)

!!!!!!

it‘s really all about your self identification. you can imagine the most beautiful scenes, but if you go back to feeling like nothing manifests, you‘re stuck, manifesting is hard, what do you think will happen? it gets expressed. completely surrender yourself to your REAL SELF, the one within.

If entering into a New State within you is challenging it is because you have not accepted who you are within. You are not a State, but its God. As God within, whose permission are you asking for? To whom do you answer to? If there is only One Being within you, then who can stop you? -Edwart Art (Unconditional Thinking)

completely free yourself in your imagination! here you are god, you are only stuck if you feel that you are so. but the great thing is, you can choose what you identify with and what you feel to be true. NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO FEEL LIKE YOU CAN‘T MANIFEST EXCEPT YOURSELF.

when you get doubts, take a step back and look at them from the Inner Man‘s perspective: do i really want this to be true? no. then i won‘t identify with it. it can‘t hurt me if i say it can‘t. and then KNOW that because you are the Inner Man, you can choose what you accept as real. accept something great to be real and feel it to be completely true! no one else can do it except you.

so what i am trying to get across is you choose EVERYTHING you identify with. if you say you are god, you have all the power, then STAY IN THAT STATE! don’t give attention to doubts. why would you want to identify with something less than you actually are? it‘s all your choice.

[remcycl333]

Is putting my awareness on having it the same as feeling it real? I feel like I put too much pressure on trying to feel how I would if I had it in the 3d and that’s where I struggle. I want to manifest moving out and given the circumstances I need it to reflect asap but idk how to feel it real and not panic when the circumstances are all up in my face and taking a toll on me. I’m so sorry if that was a lot, thank you so much for being so patient.

feeling it real doesn't have to feel like happiness or euphoria! sometimes the feeling of knowing doesn't feel like anything. so yes, as long as you're aware of the fact that you have it in imagination, that's enough! i have a friend who manifested her sp, and she said that the whole time she was manifesting her sp she felt anxious about it every day, but she just stood firm in the fact that her sp was hers and it still manifested!

i went through the same thing while manifesting at first. like when i was manifesting my sp a couple years ago, the DAY before he finally reached out to me i was sooo anxious out of nowhere, constantly thinking about how i much be doing everything wrong bc it wasn't here yet, how i needed to start over, how it'd be days without anything, etc, but i'd just talk to myself and be like "no im doing everything right, i already have it, im good, this isn't gonna effect anything bc its mine" etc.

having feelings of anxiety or worry is not a failure on your part, and they won't mess anything up (unless you assume they will). i've read this somewhere, i think it was twitter but i can't remember who said it, but think about anxiety. it's not logical! usually you feel anxious over something that you think will never even actually happen, but you still feel anxious anyway. or i have friends who sometimes say they're super anxious and they don't even know why. i had social anxiety as a teenager and i'd be soo anxious in social settings. what did i think was going to happen? nothing, but i was still anxious for no reason constantly. and my anxiety never manifested, because even i knew it was illogical. it still hindered me in other ways, but it didn't manifest into negative circumstances in my reality!

re-reading your ask i realize u didn't mention anxiety 😭 but im still gonna keep all that in bc i still think you/other people will benefit from those anecdotes! lol

"idk how to feel it real and not panic when the circumstances are all up in my face and taking a toll on me"

in my experience, you don't need to focus on feeling it real constantly! i focus on feeling it real while im imagining, but during the day, i just shift my state when i need to. that being said, there's no pressure to be in the state of the wish fulfilled every second of the day! the main goal is to enter TSOTWF more than the state of lack, but there's also more states you can enter throughout the day! sometimes during the day you're neither in the state of the wish fulfilled nor the state of lack. there's such thing as a neutral state! so if you're panicking and it's hard for you to shift back to your desired state, you can focus on shifting to a neutral state. you can do this by trying to calm yourself down, talking to yourself, meditating, taking deep breaths, etc. if you need to just take deep breaths and think of something else that has nothing to do with your desire, go for it!

if im manifesting something on a time crunch, it always really helps me to just deep breathe and talk to myself, saying things such as "there's nothing to worry about, its mine, it's promised, everything is going to work out perfectly, my 3D is going to change, my inner man already has it and my inner man is me" etc.

i manifested moving out and this was very helpful for me! i dealt with very toxic, narcissistic parents and my family struggled with money for most of my life. sometimes my parents would be yelling at me for no reason and it'd trigger me bc i was manifesting living in my own apartment on my own. in these times i'd focus on remaining calm and staying in a neutral state. eventually it got easier for me and i'd be able to talk to myself in my head while getting yelled at, saying stuff like "im so glad this isn't my life anymore, im so glad i live on my own whew" etc. i'd also imagine that i was just visiting home and i couldn't wait for my visit to be over so i could go back to my own apartment again.

just remember that no matter what happens in your 3D, nothing can stop you from having your desire in your imagination. you moved out in your 4D and nothing can change that! it is fact, and all you have to do is persist in that face. you don't have to gaslight or trick yourself into thinking you moved out in the 3D. you just need to stand firm in the fact you have it in your 4D.

anywayzzz i hope this helps! i hope i answered your question i fear i went on multiple different tangents lol <3

[itgomyway]

I've been into Non-Dualism for a while now, though not extensively. Previously, I was deeply involved in the Law of Assumption community. Then, I stumbled upon ND. It felt like a breath of fresh air, so liberating. I've consumed all sorts of ND content, from every nook and cranny of the internet. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster, this journey of slowly "detaching from ego".

Recently, something happened that sent me on a over-consumption, while trying to convince myself that "hey, it's okay". Honestly, I'm tired of reading without a clear sense of what steps to take. I've tried all sorts of techniques to loosen the grip of ego, but my mind keeps circling back to these issues, almost like they're haunting me. I get it, it's ego at play, but the anxiety attacks still hit hard.

I hope I'm not coming across as too demanding, I'm just genuinely seeking guidance in the best way possible. What more can I do?

There's so much conflicting advice out there. Some say understanding isn't crucial, it's just the ego making a fuss. Others suggest a slow process of self-inquiry, questioning what the ego is asserting and coming back to our core. It's left me feeling a bit bewildered and frankly, drained. I'm at a loss, just wanting a reset that brings some peace.

I get that Non-Dualism is supposed to be about simplicity and shouldn't bring about these feelings. But right now, I feel like I've got a full plate. My mom's financial situation hasn't been great, and I'm really anxious about her having to bear too much of a burden. Letting go of the desire to change my current circumstances is terrifying. What if letting go only means things stay the same or get worse? The pressure to make a change feels like it's closing in.

When people say "let it be" or advise to step back from actively trying to fix things, I'm left scratching my head. How do you navigate challenges by just letting them be? I feel defeated and just want to feel free. I'm scared about what the end of the week, or worse, the end of the month, might look like if I'm still stuck in this uncertainty. I've got a decent grasp of these concepts on an intellectual level, but when the day passes and I whisper "I AM" to myself, I struggle to truly feel it. It's like I'm held back by the limitations of this physical form.

I'm on the edge of giving up on chasing after achievements. Ego sometimes feels like this looming, scary presence. What I really want is to shed all of this weight, be kinder to myself, and find a path that leads to genuine freedom. What's the next step? What should I do? I want to stop trying, or figuring out.

Thanks a ton for taking the time to read this through. I've been following your blog and I really appreciate the kindness you bring to your community. Wishing you a great day ahead.

love im afraid in all of that reading, you missed the entire point. the point of non dualism is to free you from the human condition. you dont use non dualism to navigate the human condition it doesnt exist in the first place.

remember everything is you. you are consciousness. everything else is fake and its only the ego that deems it as real.

ignore it. its not real. who cares?

that’s how i live “life”. i dont confirm nor deny anything real or fake whenever circumstances arise cuz its ALL FAKE. the only existing thing is me. even when i think about “me” its not even “me” doing it. its the ego. the ego answers the question of who you are while you as CONSCIOUSNESS know what you are. the ego cant really grasp this so i don’t see a reason in trying to make it

i picture it as inner child = ego “grown up” = consciousness. the inner child is scared and confused. just wants to be safe and do any and everything to be safe, even if they think they know what theyre doing or that theyre in control. its not. its fake. be the adult in the situation and take control. understanding the ego is probably throwing a temper tantrum so let it cry itself to sleep. everything they thought that was soooo important they’ll forget when they wake up. so its not real anyway. you can relax you got this <3

[dvilsdesire]

MUN MONDAY: GETTING TO KNOW YOU

Respond to the following prompts out of character, then tag others you'd like to get to know a little bit better!

ROLEPLAYER NAME: You can call me Owl, or Sam. :) Whatever you prefer.

ROLEPLAYER PRONOUNS: He/Him

MUSE(S) NAME: Haarlep, Raphael.

PREFERRED COMMUNICATION: I'm fine with either IM's or Discord. Time zones are a bit shit for me since I live in Australia, but I'll catch you when I can. I tend to chat in IM before I add people to discord tho.

EXPERIENCE: I've been Rping way over a decade now. On tumblr? Since... 2012, I think? But waaay before then, back in probably 2007 or something. I've Rped on multiple platforms.

PREFERRED ROLEPLAY TYPE: I greatly prefer para/novella. I like delving into a character's mind and thought process. I know I write a LOT of inner monologue for my muses as well, I actually STRUGGLE with short replies, so when someone gives me a single para or line... it's really difficult for me to match that short length, but it's also something that I don't really vibe with. I greatly prefer longer replies. I want to delve into characters and see how they react, I want to learn all of those little things about your muses as well. I'm a sucker for character development. I'm also a fan of the nitty gritty.

PET PEEVES & DEALBREAKERS: One line responses. Please, for the love of god... give me something to work with. It's a quick way for me to show disinterest and likely not really reach out to write with unless it's something that I am REALLY enjoying for small snippets. But please, I greatly prefer longer replies. Short ones also make me feel like you're just not interested in what my characters have to say :/ Please read my rules, whilst I know we can't remember EVERYONE'S rules (seriously, I forget as well!), it is obvious when people don't. If my muse is a muse of power or something, then please treat them as such. If your muse ends up wanting to attack or something, and they are of a lower class... then they won't win. It's just that simple. Respect the power of certain muses.

PLOTS OR MEMES: I like both and am fine with both. Whilst I LOVE plotting and getting to know muses and getting an idea of where we can go, I also understand that sometimes our brains are just too tired from real life and memes can be something simpler and quicker. I think both of them are very good for very different reasons, which I'm fine with both. By all means, memes are EXCELLENT ice breakers imo, and then we can always plot something once we've established a little starter. :)

LONG REPLIES OR SHORT REPLIES: Long, lol. As covered in my previous responses.

BEST TIME TO WRITE: I get a lot more done when I'm writing in the mornings. Obviously due to work, I am tired in the evenings, so I get very little done (Haarlep has certainly reawakened my muse tho I'm shocked at how much I've been writing on my work nights lol). I mostly write on days I have to myself.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES: Haarlep? Absolutely not. Haarlep caught me by utter surprise when it came to being a muse of mine. I saw him once, had a little laugh, and suddenly he wouldn't leave my mind, and then I just... had the persistent urge to write them. I'm very happy that he did come to me, though, as he's really been helpful in making me come back to RP on a more regular basis and I've had such a good time exploring him. But no, we're absolutely nothing alike. Haarlep is an incubus, and I'm asexual as fuck lol. If anything, and don't take this the wrong way because it's probably going to sound BAD lol, but I have more in common with Raphael than I do with Haarlep X'D and that's... saying something, since I am not an evil devil hahaha. The only thing I think I could say about me and Haarlep being similar is the fact that I can mask like a beast in public. (: Even then, that's entirely different to what Haarlep is doing, I'm just masking because I'm autistic and people have expectations of me in society lol, Haarlep is masking because he's trying to seduce and eat someone hahaha.

As for Raphael, I have a DEEP structure and routine like Raphael does. I need things to be in order and control or I will absolutely have a meltdown (and nobody wants that). Raphael reminds me of myself when I was younger. I was an angry person, I was possessive, and had an explosive temper. I feel like I understand Raphael on a deeper level because of those things, the disappointment of parents who should have been better etc. Obviously, as I have gotten older, I have become wiser and more chill, but Raphael definitely reminds me of a younger, angrier me, lol. Also, he likes reading and I hc he likes music (I, too, love to sing... I just suck at it LOL). Also, Raphael writing his own little fanfictions? I guess that counts XD

Tagged by: Repost from prev blog

[mekatrio]

im taking back my previous statements of yuri having a black and white morality bc rechecking the source material has suggested another possibility to me... my new opinion takes these lines from yuri into account more seriously

and to continue from my previous yuri analysis/nitpicking/bitching etc.. this line strongly hints/reveals that yuri's murder of ragou was more an impulsive action born from outrage and frustration rather than a calculated act tht aimed to address the underlying corruption of the empire. that when he murdered ragou, he had "lost his senses in the heat of the moment", and that his words and actions after that are indicative of him struggling to come to terms with what hes done. basically, yuri's first murder was an impulsive act, not a determined act of vigilantism, but he pretends otherwise and instead insists to both himself and others that he isnt conflicted over what hes done, when in reality hes very much conflicted and lacks the conviction to be the vigilante-esque figure hes making himself out to be..

this would explain why hes so different from judith, who i previously compared him to. judith is fully confident in the beliefs that guides her vigilantism, and takes precautions to not get caught so she can continue to destroy harmful blastia. yuri on the other hand is careless, not doing a thing to cover up his involvement in ragou's and cumore's murder, and was even ready to give himself up for arrest (at mantaic, during his conversation with flynn). not to mention that he constantly labels his actions as crimes, as compared to judith, who never does such things.

this also explains why despite making a whole show of saying this;

he immediately refutes these ideas when it concerns someone he cares about:

bc despite his bravado, hes not actually resolute in these beliefs. he only made it seem like so in order to justify his own actions, to affirm to himself that he doesnt have any doubts over taking lives, when those lives in question endangers the lives of others. but he does very much have doubts, bc this line of thinking that he applied to ragou and cumore, that hes just "cutting off a part to save the whole", then ends up extending to flynn, when he starts acting tyrannically,

and then to judith, when destroying a hermes blastia leaves them stranded in the sea,

and of course, to estelle, who is revealed to be born with a power that harms the planet itself:

^yuri having doubts.png

it also doesnt help that he has a whole inferiority complex w flynn being a knight.. his spat with flynn in capua torim shows that hes definitely frustrated with the helplessness he faces as a commoner, yet despite his vigilantism beginning to threaten his friendships, its also one of the only ways that he can effectively challenge the empire's corruption. its one source of conflict after another </3 tho he isnt going to show that of course... although a real vigilante like clay (from the dark enforcer sidequest) will be able to clock him

but yeah, essentially, i think that deep down yuri doesnt actually believe tht he was justified in taking ragous and cumores lives. but if he takes a proper look at what hes done, he'd be horrified at the realization that hes capable of killing someone when he loses composure. which of course is so very similar to another character... sodia!

sodia is horrified by whats she done, by what shes capable of in a fit of rage. but unlike sodia, yuri is fucked in the head, so rather than dealing with the discomfort of analyzing his inner turmoil, he instead sweeps those feelings under the rug, and wears a facade of Im Justified In What Im Doing, im ok with what im doing, and "this is the path ive chosen for myself". so no, i no longer think that yuri possesses a black & white morality, but instead insisted that he had one just so he wouldnt have to deal with his justifiably conflicting and complicated feelings... LOL! its honestly pretty incredible character writing all things considered. yuri is a very tricky character to analyze, bc he lies Alllll the time, to others, to himself, to the player, and even repede! so its difficult to figure out where his values lie and what hes actually feeling, since you cant just take his words at face value. its really neat!!

also BONUS YAOI ROUND cuz im a fujo at heart <3 basically in spite of yuri wearing this facade of "Yup Im Totally Ok With Being A Vigilante", this mask crumbles when faced with flynn

^yuri giving himself up for arrest.gif

and likewise, although flynn aims to be a pillar of lawful good, he finds himself making exceptions when hes faced with yuri

^sodia being fed up w this shit.png

both of their convictions waver when faced with each other.... #ILoveYaoi

[dvilsdesire-a]

MUN MONDAY: GETTING TO KNOW YOU

Respond to the following prompts out of character, then tag others you'd like to get to know a little bit better!

ROLEPLAYER NAME: You can call me Owl, or Sam. :) Whatever you prefer.

ROLEPLAYER PRONOUNS: He/Him

MUSE NAME: Haarlep.

PREFERRED COMMUNICATION: I'm fine with either IM's or Discord. Time zones are a bit shit for me since I live in Australia, but I'll catch you when I can.

EXPERIENCE: I've been Rping way over a decade now. On tumblr? Since... 2012, I think? But waaay before then, back in probably 2007 or something. I've Rped on multiple platforms.

PREFERRED ROLEPLAY TYPE: I greatly prefer para/novella. I like delving into a character's mind and thought process. I know I write a LOT of inner monologue for my muses as well, I actually STRUGGLE with short replies, so when someone gives me a single para or line... it's really difficult for me to match that short length, but it's also something that I don't really vibe with. I greatly prefer longer replies. I want to delve into characters and see how they react, I want to learn all of those little things about your muses as well. I'm a sucker for character development. I'm also a fan of the nitty gritty.

PET PEEVES & DEALBREAKERS: One line responses. Please, for the love of god... give me something to work with. It's a quick way for me to show disinterest and likely not really reach out to write with unless it's something that I am REALLY enjoying for small snippets. But please, I greatly prefer longer replies. Short ones also make me feel like you're just not interested in what my characters have to say :/ Please read my rules, whilst I know we can't remember EVERYONE'S rules (seriously, I forget as well!), it is obvious when people don't. If my muse is a muse of power or something, then please treat them as such. If your muse ends up wanting to attack or something, and they are of a lower class... then they won't win. It's just that simple. Respect the power of certain muses.

PLOTS OR MEMES: I like both and am fine with both. Whilst I LOVE plotting and getting to know muses and getting an idea of where we can go, I also understand that sometimes our brains are just too tired from real life and memes can be something simpler and quicker. I think both of them are very good for very different reasons, which I'm fine with both. By all means, memes are EXCELLENT ice breakers imo, and then we can always plot something once we've established a little starter. :)

LONG REPLIES OR SHORT REPLIES: Long, lol. As covered in my previous responses.

BEST TIME TO WRITE: I get a lot more done when I'm writing in the mornings. Obviously due to work, I am tired in the evenings, so I get very little done (Haarlep has certainly reawakened my muse tho I'm shocked at how much I've been writing on my work nights lol). I mostly write on Fridays as it's the only day I have to myself, so I try and churn out as many replies as I can, but once it hits the afternoon, I'm pooped lol. So yeah, mornings are definitely best!

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES: Haarlep? Absolutely not. Haarlep caught me by utter surprise when it came to being a muse of mine. I saw him once, had a little laugh, and suddenly he wouldn't leave my mind, and then I just... had the persistent urge to write them. I'm very happy that he did come to me, though, as he's really been helpful in making me come back to RP on a more regular basis and I've had such a good time exploring him. But no, we're absolutely nothing alike. Haarlep is an incubus, and I'm asexual as fuck lol. If anything, and don't take this the wrong way because it's probably going to sound BAD lol, but I have more in common with Raphael than I do with Haarlep X'D and that's... saying something, since I am not an evil devil hahaha. The only thing I think I could say about me and Haarlep being similar is the fact that I can mask like a beast in public. (: Even then, that's entirely different to what Haarlep is doing, I'm just masking because I'm austistic and people have expectations of me in society lol, Haarlep is masking because he's trying to seduce and eat someone hahaha.

Tagged by: @shimmerbeasts Tagging: @astralrogue @chaoticbard @dcwncametheclaw @galefcrce @azzagrazt and anyone else! Tag me so I can read :)

[queerlilthing]

Adjusting to unmasking

I’m going through a period of fatigue right now. I’ve spent all my life trying to adapt myself to live in a world that was never designed for me. I’ve been working so hard to “just get on with it, everyone else does”.

And for a while? I thought it was working. I was able to do things back to back, just like “everyone else”. I felt like I had overcome my challenges as an autistic person.

No doubt, there was some real growth in there, but I was also running off of pure adrenaline to live up to excruciatingly high expectations. I learnt to dissociate from the emotions and my inner alarms that would tell me “please stop, this is harming you”.

Recently I’ve started suffering with all encompassing fatigue. It’s consuming me. Every time I do something, I feel like my body is begging me for rest.

What’s changed? Instead of trying to figure out how I’m feeling emotionally, I’ve been paying more attention to changes in feelings and sensations in my body. What I’ve started to notice, is that actually, a lot of the time… I’m not doing great. Only thing is, I’ve learnt to keep pushing myself through those feelings… Until now. Im going through autistic burnout.

I Think a lot of us struggle from an early age, especially as kids. I think it’s around this time, a lot of the people around us (in my case, my teachers at school) tell us that what we’re feeling isn’t valid, or that we’re being “over dramatic. So what do we do? We learn that we can trust what we feel, and to ignore things.

Eventually, it this pattern persists like with me, you get to a point where this frequent “keep pushing” brings you down.

I’m now checking in with myself so much more. I feel so broken, I have virtually no energy anymore. But im trying to care for that part of me that’s begging for a break, that needs some quiet time. I’ve not stopped the last 6 years, and it’s about time I gave me some time to just be.

Please, be really careful and protective of your spoons. We have so precious few of them, and those we do have need to be cherished. Life is already so hard.

The sad thing is, doing this often involves reducing commitments, which can make the people around you think you’re “lazy”, when really you’re just doing your best and protecting yourself.

Never forget: you’re living life on hardcore mode, few other people are and it’s isolating as fuck. Remember that you’ve fought hard to get here, and that you deserve to do wha lot you need to do to be healthy 💖

[wiredsmi1e]

[ bear emoji ] i have always admired what you do. the writing always impeccable, don't even get me started on their inner voices. i've followed you first because of suzie but then there were march and gwen that really stood up to me. and the craziest part is that you made them sound so different. always stayed true to the character you were portraying. then there's your aesthetics. i've been in awe since day 1 and we keep counting, okay? i can see you put so much work and thought into these too and it's very much appreciated. like even your recent visuals posted here w/ sabrina. it took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize it was her and not the actress that plays suzie in this tv series i truly believed existed. also, how you went from taking a dbd character with just a few lines and a little lore on wiki to being THIS MUCH OF A SHAPED PERSON,, I HAVE NO IDEA. and lastly, i appreciate you for what you do for the rpc. i know life was tough, but you were always so nice to everyone and your commissions are living rent free in my mind because they are perfection. whenever i find a blog i can tell it was you who worked on the aesthetics lmao, they got that abi trademark all over them. and lastly, i appreciate you. you've been so kind to me and understanding and helping since day 1. you're one of the few people that actually made me feel included in the rpc after being on a break for so long and you were part of the reason i stuck doing this. so here's a little reminder that your presence has affected others positively, even if you didn't know it. i am sure that most of your mutuals and friends agree with this. i love you and im always here for you too, okay?

- ̗̀ ♡⃗    𝒊𝒏𝒃𝒐𝒙 𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒕𝒚  . . .   always accepting ! 

i've had this one in my askbox for a hot minute now , i know , but honestly it has helped me so SO much to re-read & look at again when i'm feeling down or am battling with the never ending writer's struggle of worrying that i'm not good enough , i'm not writing enough , ect . it truly , truly warms my heart & means the WHOLE WORLD to me that you & so many others love suzie & my lore for her so much―  i've struggled writing suzie in so many ways , always find myself worrying that peolpe are going to lose interest in her or disregard her because of how soft & innocent she is despite her horrific upbringing/circumstances ?? & gosh , PLS mentioning march & gwen too has me genuinely wanting to weep out of joy & gratitude , it truly means the world ?? especially considering how much i adore your writing & admire your wednesday ??? but , like i said i've been a lil selfish hoarding this sweetness to myself so long but truly & honestly i want you to know how much this means to me & how much i appreciate you & all of the kindness you have left me in this message <33333 i love you too , & i am so so touched to here that you love my commissions so much & that i have touched you so much & in such a positive way without even realizing it ?? we absolutely NEED to talk & plot more , for real <3333

[keeperofthebox]

as a writer i draw a lot from real life.

SO in any work of your choosing, what are some bits that you drew from real life, and what do they bring to the narrative?

(god i dont know this charming stranger in my ask box but he's honestly sort of.......handsome? I wonder if he would maybe... maybe.... *bats my eyelashes*)

HMMM it'd be really really easy to talk about emo AU here since that's the one that's the strongest like "INSPIRATION: MY LIFE" but there's not enough info that's public yet for me to do that... SOO we are stuck in tlra world since that's my only thing that's NOT a wip

cw: gonna talk about alcohol under the cut

so me personally i don't do any substances but i HAVE been drunk before and i just remember that messy, warm, bubbly feeling of just... going with the flow? your emotions get messier and you just relax and Do Whatever. i tried to capture that with both ryan's inner monologue and the Hijinks aspect. i think "inhibition" is a major theme of tlra so having something there to loosen the bonds of inhibitions made sense to me.

gawrsh trying to think of other stuff... when min gets thirsty over prince and has to whine abt it? one time a celeb crush of mine was really hot in something and i got so overwhelmed i had to leave the room ljsghsj. i can really relate to being Taken Aback by a persons beauty and not being able to keep my trap shut abt it. i think it's nice that min felt that way about someone whos p androgynous and effeminate in that rockstar way, like he couldnt even CONTAIN the thirst, because thats proofs to ryan that min is just.. INTO him? he's not just going along with the fact that ryan is gnc or tolerating it, he LIKES it

also like, idk i struggle with bipolar + issues with my gender/sexuality and you Know my thoughts on ryan akagi so a lot of the way he deals with things is straight outta my life but thats too personal to talk abt on tumblr LMAO. idk how much im able to get across to make it feel real/visceral since im not too experienced with writing and tend to write thought spirals in strange circles but i guess i write it that way bc thats how it feels to me?? and hopefully that adds something to the fic since its the crux of ryans arc lmao

finally ryans min thirst... when im into people i can never stop staring at them even when im actively telling myself not to stare at them, and i thought it made sense for him to be kind of an epic fail at not staring too. mins adams apple mins shoulders mins eyebrows mins big ol sad eyes Like... bro he is In Love and he can't help but show it in every aspect of his behavior!!! its actually Easier for ryan to love min openly than it is for him to contain it... letting go of that inhibition leads to something natural... heart

[jdlopes777-blog]

DAY - 1 - MAJOR RESET - World War 7 within myself. DEC 2nd 2023 ,

RESTART - from World War 6 in JANUARY 2023

I’m 38 , and I about to hit 39 , this is a everlong struggle to be a better SPIRIT , SOUL , inner man , the outer man has had dominion over my temple. I belong to Jesus Christ almighty.

Fighting the good fight of FAITH and WELL BEING. ITs been tough just to be here now typing this. Im either typing my life on TUMBLER , or writing it down on my journal.

My life has been bitter sweet , I made decisions that led to where I stand today. I do believe wether terrible painful 😞 decisions The Lord doesn’t mean no harm. FREE WILL can make you or break you. Even to your grave.

I have intoxicated my existence to the point of death. I tried to take myself out when I was 27 years old and my last breath never came at 5:30am. The enemy is real but why can I not let that hit home and register and a new MIND SET be born at 27.

I had a chance at 17 , 20 , 21 , 24 , 26 , 27 , 29 , 31 , 33 , 35 , after those catastrophic events war at within myself all due to external and internal factors deriving from bad circles of influence and decisions that infected my soul by un equally home myself to another human being and the 🌎 world.

I am like a land , I’m like a wholly land the entire world wants to take over and run over and destroy it because I am the RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD in Christ Jesus for what he has done for humanity. Took the punishment for all of us all. I have been made righteous for what HE DID , not anything of me. For my penalty of sin is death and Christ tells step aside son , this is not your battle but MINE.

Receive it , it is my GIFT 🎁 to you , GRACE…..

I was born in DEC 12th , 1984 , according to my mother and gramma a 4am baby before the sun came out. Gramma takes and took amd stole the center stage , per the family in Managua Nicaragua I was the baby of the BARRIO , along with my baby girl side quick NINOSKA , a girl baby born around the same time.

At 17 she was the one for me , so I THOUGHT , ….she was beautiful to me. I thought this at a point in my time I was in my prime , healthy , virgin, away from the toxic world that was ever so fast unraveling at light speed with technologies that I had yet to be introduced to so at that very moment all I had was 📝 📄 PAPER and PENCIL .

She was my sweetheart PEN PAL , from NICARAGUA the barrio I was born in MANAGUA , and me in WHITTIER , CA - Fred C NELLES. Youth Correctional Facility. A little more back , this all started from when I was 10 years old , my father lifelessly beat me for at least once every 2 weeks , a savage beating with a shiny leather belt with a piece of metal from a business suit any opportunity he had , sometimes 3 times every 2 weeks since I was 5 years old.

WHY DAD ???

Father of mine , sent my mom to learn English , and go to adult school , my mom was about 22 years old , and she only spoke u less she was spoken to. THE SANDINISTA way , the very thing that gave me ASSYLUM , to enter the USA , as a political ASSYLEY , the very thing we left that country for was the very thing that my father brough with him to 🇺🇸 AMERICA in 1987 , Los Angeles then Santa Ana OC , in CALIFORNIA.

The derailment of my childhood which then DOMINO EFECTS into my teenage hood troubles and eventually ADULTHOOD. My father prior to this was a HERO 🦸‍♂️ in my life like any child should grow up into am adult and say. ………….

Before I go ( I DONT BLAME my father anymore, I have grown up to accept my up bringing. and realize that it was tragic but like a song I heared my SWEDISH MADIA , The Lord has helped me and is still helping me get through it all as he goes before me everytime anywhere good or bad.

The song above has a BAR that says , SHOW em how you backflipped from TRAGIC

Show em how the struggle made MAGIC.

THE NUCLEUS of the journey to a KINGDOM of TRAGEDY, TRAGIC KINGDOM ,

It was 1989 , had to have been a week day I was already getting ready to start KINDERGARTEN at FAIRHAVEN ELEMENTARY in Santa Ana , CA , My father was a powerful self employed man , a prosperous salesman. He lives a FRUGAL lifestyle. My father one afternoon , in a studio apartment we lived in , had just recently paid for my moms younger sister to come to USA to live with us.

She was probably 18 years old fresh low hanging fruit from the tree 🌳 virgin probably. While my beautiful poor mother was at school learning to speak English , something my father and her should have been doing together. The very thing that could have made my family into BILLIONAIRES. My mother was a woman of HONOR , gracious , humble , natural beauty , with a cute squint , a queen 👸, my father threw away a BILLION dollar club ticket to BRENTWOOD , CA over a an AFFAIR with my moms younger sister , my father tells me and the twin younger brothers of mine. Kids get ready in 15 minutes. We are going to the park.

Those 15 minutes were longer or so I recall , so I went inside the room the only room in the apartment that had only one restroom a tiny studio. There he was having sexing with her in the bed my mother and father shared. The ONLY bed in the place. I saw it and I remember it like it was yesterday. The door was unlocked , and I saw them both naked , fucking , FORNICATING , or ADULTERY , destroying a married Front row seat ticket. VIP pass I helped myself to ,

You can’t tell a CHILD wait for 15 minutes!!!! A child won’t give you not even a a minute. But yet I remember waiting for at least 7. I was obedient in life up to that point. I was alway trying to please my dad and be the best kid for him , I would look for him up that point. Like any 5 year old child does today. I was forced to grow up quick at the speed of life up to that point.

I’m

There seeing it for at least 4 seconds , my world got hit with a NUCLEAR WEAPON of full destruction, I COULD NOT UNSEE the scene. Now my father becomes the enemy , a terrorist in a child life . My father died that moment in my life. He died and I died too , the moment he walked out and beat me to death a savage beating. The first time I had ever seen the BELT that would torment me the next 7 years of my life a TRIBULATION of 7 years , I am in awe 🫢 to think 🤔 about it and I type and reflect this very moment here now in the present.

for the next 7 years I lived in a prison , a child like prison , locked up and the key was thrown away In fear that I might say something to my mother when she came back. It was a very EXPENSIVE price , blood 🩸, sweat 😓 and tears 😭. To keep me intimidated , full of fear , afraid , I couldn’t be a child have fun be loud , run around , make friends , go out and play. While I noticed other kids play in my neighborhood I couldn’t. I guess that’s what led to my first attempted SUICIDAL idea in my life. When I was 6 years old after many beatings , I jumped off a second floor BALCONY. from that same apartment ,

Wether I was actually trying to kill myself or not subconsciously or consciously , I would hang out in that balcony which was the only thing I was allowed to do. It was like 5 by 12 , place crowded with junk. I played alone there UNSUPERVISED , I thought I could fly , how could I have not thought of tue danger in falling , well I did , next thing you know I get up , walking all the way around and climbed the stairs bleeding 🩸 from my CHIN I think I could have snapped my head back , but truly THE LORD avoided the loss of life. I know this now looking back.

I was a WONDERER , I would wonder off , to get away from my father , I was afraid of him a real fear. So I would purposely wonder off and get lost in public , and then I would get scared of him finding me so then I would return I was not brave enough to follow though running away.

Anyway …. Back to the situation at hand I just almost killed myslef , and I walk back up bleeding tore up from my chin because I landed flat on my stomach on concrete below from 20 ft , I had to climb the balcony and stand in top on the balcony wall , in order to get maximum flight time of 20ft or so or more. 24 ft max , ( I’d have to go the crime scene and measure to be exact ) …….

I open the door amd as soon as my mom saw me I CRIED , and she calls the ambulance and 911 and all that chaos. I went to the hospital , NUMB , I’m not sure what my mother told the paramedics , but the hospital wanted to know what happened. I remember the doctor asked me if I was trying to be like Superman or Batman. I wish I was either so I could have kicked my fathers ass raw like he did to me. I got 12 stitches under my poor child chin and with NO ANESTHESIA probably because they were I afraid I had a like a concussion and the hospital rather let me feel it then put me to sleep and risk not waking up.

I cried like I was dying I felt every stitch going in and out. They had to tie me down on a board as they tried to stitch me up and my mother had to help along with nurses. Then I got passed that , it came to pass , then I was hospitalized for like 2 or 3 maybe 5 days until results came in that I was clear from severe trauma to my head. I still had one more person to deal with , my father , I could see him in the door of the hospital room door with his arms crossed , I wanted to cry 😢 not because I was happy to see him , but because I knew he wanted to whoop my ass for that stunt.

And so this is how It all began , I wish I had good news , but this is not a happy story , it’s just a moment in my present time to remind myself where I have come from and what I have survived , and that life is not over and it won’t end here NOW , the Lord has proven to me that after trying to take my own like 3 or 4 times maybe 5. HE never allowed it and hasn’t yet to happen , he hasn’t called me back ,

HEAVEN HASNT CALLED ME HOME 🏡, the Lord is not done with me here on earth. I’m back flipping from tragic things. And making struggles into prosperous things with a PURPOSE for HIM. His word says that the work HE started in me HE will complete , the moment I’m called by HIM.

Imagine living like that for at least 7 years until came times that I was being a menace to myself and others , I was confused , I was sent to NICARAGUA , at 7 to 8 and was dropped off I another monster being replaced for another , it’s like JOSEPH sold to slavery by his siblings , I can relate being una foreign land and not knowing anyone , and this is where I meet my baby queen at 7 years old , first time swing her after my father had fled the FEDERAL investigators , for his fraud schemes , we fled the country in 1992 to 1993 , drove Two cars and packed them with as much stuff as we could , and drove away to NICARAGUA 🇳🇮 in car through MEXICO , with my mother , my mothers younger sister , whom is now PREGNANT with child , my father seed , something my mother DID NOT know about , I wonder what my aunt told my mom to make her not suspect the AFFAIR , stay tuned for that story , in another chapter.

There were some other things that happened to me as a child in this country under the care of my gramma now but even a loving 🥰 sweet woman could not spare me from more trauma , I nearly died of a skin cancer like desease , I got like a skin cancer , and by the GRACE of God I did not die. For some reason I attracted creeps , But aside from all that , it was Summer of 1992 , and I spent Christmas of 1992 in Managua under another fear of someone hurting me. I got home sick and I missed my mom. For the love of God why can’t I be with my mom under her arms hugged and feel safe. without a creep after me in MANAGUA , and another tyrant like my father watching every little thing I was doing.

The only good memories I had was with ERNESTO a boy friend of a girl called ROSA a daughter of NINOSKAS mom , the Doctor NINOSKA of the Barrio. I was a child who needed LOVE and I thought I was in love with this girl. That was short lived. My parents left back to USA to face the hard truth and reality of their actions with the government. And they took with them the pregnant woman my moms younger sister , who is close to giving birth to CHRISTOPHER LOPEZ , my little half brother , half cousin. He was born in FEB 2nd 1994 , my fathers SECRET CHILD.

I came back to USA 🇺🇸 Never knowing when I would see NINOSKA again. I came back in time to jump on the second grade with Ms HETZEL , at FAIRHAVEN Elementary , Now my aunt was public enemy in my world # 2 because now she was mistreating me afraid of the same thing because she knows I know I saw her stupid naked ass , losing her VIRGINITY to my father , God only knows how many times they fucked , aside from that one time I witnessed.

Back to blood 🩸 sweat 😓 and tears 😭, clashing heads with my father and my moms younger sister and my mom never aware of any of it , bottled up inside for YEARS !!!! at least 7 in the presence of those 2 evil 👿 people. I was DAMAGED GOODS , at times the savage beating would welt my skin and trigger the shape of the belt with blood marks , had to hide those. Most were on my back and arms and even hand whenever I would beg my father crying 😭 to stop it hurts. Grabbed me my one arm and whooped me with that belt from another.

By now at 7 years old I have so many issues. Sexual and physical and mental and emotional.

The rest is for another time …….. lots more to talk about that…from 1992 to 1999 …..

Then from OCT 20 th 1999 to FEB 14th 2005 at the age of 20…. and on …………

BACK TO TODAY …….. 12-2-2023 …………..

story to be continued ……………

DAY 1 is today , and I pray to the Lord I am given the strength to ABSTAIN , from yesterday mindset …..

[elegantwizardtree]

y'all I love Jason's future state look, like that is one fine ass man

[flower-zombie-rob]

Tiiiiny vent incoming

[namakaustar]

Small Acts of Bravery

Bravery is beginning to look so different for me as I grow younger and older at the same time. There are risks I have taken for my inner child I love them deeply and dearly. Waking up on some days has been an act of bravery, resting has also evolved in to an act of bravery for me. And choosing what my heart truly desires has been my biggest act of bravery to date. I haven’t had a real moment to document my reflections in a while, as I sit silently in my bedroom making room for the new, I found some of the letters I wrote to God in the previous years, the bold prayers and ambitions

I find it truly beautiful that the beginning of a new year always offers us space to see ourselves through new eyes, through a new source of energy, it also offers the opportunity to see versions of ourselves that we believe ourselves to be through old resolutions and wild prayers that aren’t always backed by action throughout the year. But I would like to apply grace to the ideas of perfection and performance that often grip us as the year begins and burn us when life happens and our intentions don’t translate into what our big hearts desire.

Im thinking about all that we achieve by getting through a year and perhaps the opportunity to begin to see ourselves as a loving parent would see their child when they worked so hard and perhaps didn’t get the grades that they desired. A kindness that is required to build our minds to trust ourselves enough at every version of ourselves, holding ourselves accountable in a loving way and creating an environment that supports our growth.

As a woman who lives with adhd and imposter syndrome (had to change struggles to lives lol limiting beliefs always try to creep in) I have grown to apply more love and grace to my lived life experience because I am aware that only feeling loved when you are over achieving is not the true experience of love.

So perhaps now I can open myself up to the fact that I am worthy of love always once again that even if all I had to offer were my silence and stillness that love is a right for my body, soul, and mind to experience fully. So with that being said I’m really happy that I may be able to take my time and fully allow myself to become present in as I reflect on as the new year begins. I am worthy and accepting that is a true act of bravery and

[ignooy-nim]

Things Jae-Lynn Has Said that Sound Fake, but Aren’t: (SKZ Extra Member AU)

under the divider are some of Jae-Lynn’s most iconic quotes :)

A/N : hi everyone! my apologies for not posting in what feels like forever. I was having a rough patch, mostly bc I wasn't getting hired anywhere, partially bc my mom and dad fight often :-) BUT now I'm back, hopefully to stay, AND Hyunjin is FINALLY back!!! HAPPY HYUNJULY EVERYONE!! 🍀 ps, I plan on updating a lot of my posts (esp this one) as time goes on! ~ mars

☆ “tbh, im just trying to be the goth girlfriend everyone deserves...” 🖤😔

☆ “I probably came dancing out of my mom's womb, not gonna lie.”

☆ “hi, my name is jae-lynn and you're watching skz talker” *disney channel intro* :-)

☆ *sings the entirety of 'dancing queen' by abba while laying on the floor of the dorm kitchen*

☆ “in GAY we trust!” 🏳️‍🌈

☆ “I'm American by chance. trust me, I am not American by choice”

☆ “i hate men...” *notices that the skz boys are looking at her* “well, not really, but-- ya know..”

☆ “if I'm being honest with myself, I don't think that I've gotten over five hours of sleep since 2012″

☆ “therapy? more like screaming out the window at 2am -- AHH!!”

☆ “i know there are like 100 different 'jaes' in the kpop community, but just remember that I will forever be god-tier 'jae'”

☆ “my biggest accomplishment to date will have to be when I peed in a cup for the first time by myself, and didn't get any on my hand- I filled that thing to the BRIM!”

☆ “I don't really try to be seen as an 'unproblematic queen', I just try to be seen as a decent human being.”

☆ “oh, I’d risk it all for Firelord Zuko... and Zoro from ‘One Piece’... maybe I just have a thing for boys who can duel wield swords”  o.O ⚔

☆ “I’m your kindergarten girlfriend who you shared a steamy kiss on the cheek with under the swirly slide... Hi, I’m Jae-Lynn :-) “

☆ “you can’t be gay AND homophobic,,, like baby, pick a struggle”

☆ “if skinny blocky boy not real, then why skinny blocky boy so attractive? 😏😏😏” (talking about the minecraft endermen) 

☆ *talking to mark lee* "'highway to heaven'??, more like the freeway to hell."

☆ “I think I eat pasta way WAY more than the average person should... but am I gonna stop any time soon? ... that’s a ‘no’.”

☆ *‘Welcome to the Black Parade’ starts to play*,, jae-lynn : “thE AUDACITY-”

☆ “cut the cameras... dead-ass.”

☆ [v-live comment] ‘who’s that behind you!?!?! ‘

jae-lynn : “who is behind me?? I don’t know probably my inner demons coming to collect my soul... or casper the friendly ghost,,, either way--  I’m ready :-) ”

☆ *playing ‘valorant’ with jae park* “damn jae really out here collecting 'L''s like they're photo cards, huh?”

☆ *sees the skzoo costumes and pulls chan to talk in private* “OK, how poor are we? you can be honest...”

☆ “oh mamma mia! ... that was a spicy depression”

☆ *any minor inconvenience happens* jae-lynn: "that's hot"

☆ "calling someone a bitch is my love language"

☆ alexa: "sometimes getting coffee isn't really about the coffee.."

jae-lynn: "it's about the friends you make along the way 🙃✨"

☆ *hits changbin in the back of his head while passing him in the dorm*

jae-lynn: "street smarts!"

☆ "'johnny suh'?? more like johnny suh-ks, am I right ladiess?"

☆ *jae recording herself secretly in the dressing room with a voice over* "day 1145, the boys are still unaware that I am not one of them, and felix keeps on feeding me animal crackers... will keep you posted.."

☆ "you're tacky and I hate you" [if you get this reference, I love u and we should get married]

☆ "as my good lord and savior, cyndi lauper once said, 'girls just wanna have fun', and honeslty, I live by that"

─────────────────────

[we-are-inevitable]

guys oh my GOD i just found my newsies rants from the first BIG night of my hyperfixation and. hng. there's so much good content in here

*messages copy and pasted under the cut!

NOTE: all of these messages are from April 19, 2020- the first day of my newsies hyperfixation!

listen racetrack and crutchie are some of my babes and i fucking love them

BEN TYLER COOK IS THE ONLY VALID RACETRACK AND I DESPERATELY NEED THEM TO REDO THE CAST ALBUM TO GIVE HIM THE SPOTLIGHT HE DESERVES

I CANT LISTEN TO KING OF NEW YORK ANYMORE BECAUSE. IT ISNT RACE. dont get me wrong racetrack from the soundtrack is like. really good but he ain't livesies racetrack good

also everyone ships race and spot which is valid but idk I just feel like race and albert have more in common?? like. spot is a great character and all of the Brooklyn Newsies deserve so much more screentime and so much more content but i just feel like the only reason people like race × spot is because of the Inner-Bourough Relations and the territorial stuff (bc the brooklyn bois are pretty spooky) but race × albert is so much cuter ?? like they're both Manhattan newsies and they share a lot more screentime and they have a lot more in common and like !! their interactions throughout King of New York makes me cry so hard i love them so much

something is telling me that if i dont learn All Of The Newsies by tomorrow i'm gonna scream

so i think later today i'm gonna rewatch livesies, then watch 92sies, then make myself a google slides presentation with a pic of each newsie and their name so i can figure this shit out

JACK AND CRUTCHIE ARE BROTHERS BUT WE STILL STAN THAT JACK/RACETRACK DYNAMIC

if anyone tries to tell me that racetrack ain't Jack's #2 Dude i WILL bite i dont care

like??? we literally see race kinda take charge after the bulls bust up their strike and jack fucks off to be Emo On The Rooftop (which is still valid and i love him for it) but race steps in and lifts everyone's spirits again and god i love him for it

it's real "Loving Racetrack Higgins Hours"

OH OH OKAY SO THE EMO ROOFTOP SCENE

LIKE. FUCK. people kinda got on Jack's case for leaving after the big fight breaks out and the bulls take Crutchie, but what else can he do? jack is 17. he's scared. he's dealing with his own trauma after what happened to him at The Refuge (which is never explicitly stated, but his reaction leads me to believe there was definitely some kind of ab•se (and its canon that the officers at the refuge don't feed the kids as they should)). he's seen as the tough guy, as the leader, as the father figure for all of the newsies, but he's a kid. he put his life on the line for them, but that's too much responsibility for a teenager.

jack got thrown in the refuge- a jail for kids- because he stole food and clothing for the other boys. he did everything he did for everyone else, without ever taking his own feelings into consideration; it was never a case of "what's in it for me?", it was always "will this help the guys i love?" and that is Jack's biggest quality i think.

anyway- so, he disappears after the fight because he's guilty. he watch his best friend- no, his brother- get taken by the bulls and watched the others he loves get hurt, and he couldn't stop it. again, this is a 17 year old we're talking about. his whole Santa Fe scene is the most pivotal part of the show in my opinion? like- we see Jack having a breakdown, essentially. "just be real is all i'm askin', not some paintin' in my head" is such a painful line because he's holding onto the hope that somewhere he's never seen is good enough to risk leaving his life behind for, and we see the struggles between wanting to stay and help his friends and wanting to get out and live and be able to have a life where he doesn't have to live with such a huge responsibility on his shoulders.

ALSO THE WHOLE THING WITH THE GUYS THINKING JACK IS A SELLOUT BECAUSE HE GOT MONEY FOR TRYING TO CONVINCE THE NEWSIES NOT TO CONTINUE THE STRIKE HURTS MY HEART

like Pulitzer basically said "if you don't tell them to stop this, i'll personally make sure all of them end up in the refuge" and even used Davey as a plot device, since Davey is one of the few that has folks and a little brother, and Pulitzer essentially said "you wouldn't want your pal Davey getting separated from his family, would you?"

Jack believed in the Strike, and he believed in the Newsies, but he couldn't handle the risk of more of his family getting beaten and thrown into The Refuge, and it kills me to see that he couldn't tell the others why he suddenly had a "change of heart", and that they all think that jw just gave up on them until they realize later on that Pulitzer manipulated him right where it hurt most

I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT NEWSIES AND NO ONE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH SO UH,, IM SORRY YOU GUYS GET THE SHORT END OF THE STICK

listen i could write an entire essay over Santa Fe and i love that song and it's just such an iconic "I Want" song and !!! fuck !!!!!! it's so sad but it bops!!!!!

"folks are fightin, bleedin, fallin, thanks to good old Captain Jack! Captain Jack just wants to close his eyes and GO"

and then theres a really long pause and his voice cracks and the next line just ?? hurts me ??

"let me go, far away, somewhere they won't never find me, and tomorrow won't remind me of today"

HE'S SO SAD AND STRESSED AND HURT AND GUILTY AND JUST WANTS TO LEAVE THE SITUATION TO PREVENT ANYMORE BAD THINFS FROM HAPPENING ADN I JUST WISH I COULD HUG HIM

i just realized ive been ranting for 30 minutes i love u all goodnight