#the idea that im just naturally weird in a way that i cant tell but everyone else can has been on my mind a lot lately

[cat-soap-opera]

is this hashtag paranoia or do ppl not interact w me a lot on this blog in a visible way. like replies n asks n shit.

[tgcg]

bad mouther, hole master

TG: kissing with tongue is gross as hell

CG: COME THE FUCK OFF IT.

TG: what

CG: I'M SAYING SHUT UP.

TG: oh

CG: IT'S NOT THAT WEIRD. IT'S LIKE THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF REGULAR KISSING TO EVENTUALLY INCLUDE THAT. IF YOU HAD ANY SEMBLANCE OF ROMANCE GHOSTING THROUGH THE DEVOLVING REMNANTS OF YOUR THINKPAN YOU'D APPRECIATE WHAT IT BRINGS TO THE NUTRITION PLATFORM OF ANY CONSENTING CONCUPISCENT RELATIONSHIP!

TG: youre talking about it like its a goddamn military weapon or some shit

TG: some kinda scientific fuckin method to fondle a dudes mouth with your own mouth thats

TG: thats gross

TG: this isnt supposed to be a debate before fuckin congress on the pros and cons of getting your mack on

TG: its i would say a reasonably personal thing to react about and thats just my reaction man you dont gotta arbitrate it

TG: and like why the hell do they have to linger on it so long in these movies do they really want me to immerse myself in people necking each other that much

TG: roll the sounds around in my earholes like im swilling a fine fuckin wine

TG: well my professional opinion is that shit tastes and sounds mad gross and tbh i havent seen a single movie where it was close to being any kind of necessary

TG: its just a cringy waste of everyones time

CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, AND I DISAGREE WITH EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR IGNORANCE GASH, YOU LUMP OF TIGHT-LIPPED CLUELESSNESS.

TG: did you just homestar me

CG: FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT, SINCE YOU'RE APPARENTLY DESPERATE TO START SHIT WITH ME RIGHT NOW: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN DONE IT?

TG: hell no

CG: THANK YOU FOR PROVING MY POINT.

TG: proving your point--

TG: bro have uh

TG: have YOU???

CG: EXCUSE ME? HAVE I WHAT?

TG: come on

TG: i walked into this stupid conversation with a fucking shovel and by god am i digging myself a damn hole big and wide enough for every dave across time to squeeze in so i might as well get cosy in this shit before we all start collectively shoving dirt in our mouths

TG: bet your ass im taking you down with me though

TG: grab your spade and get digging man

CG: GRAB MY WHAT????????

TG: just tell me

CG: ???????!!!!!!!!

TG: karkat

CG: NO!

TG: f-

CG: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!!!!! WHAT PART OF "SHUT UP" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND????

TG: wait no

TG: oh my god dude

TG: you can spin that shit all you want but you can do it the hell away from me

TG: i do not need to be hip to your weirdo foursquare fantasies

TG: patently not my business

CG: STOP RIGHT THERE. JUST SHUT IT. I AM PUTTING US OUT OF OUR MISERY RIGHT NOW. I AM CONDUCTING AN ACT OF MERCY ON THIS INSANE FUCKING CONVERSATION AND YOU ARE GOING TO ZIP YOUR LIPS AND TAKE IT.

CG: HERE IT IS: YOUR SINGLE OPPORTUNITY TO PRETEND YOU NEVER SAID THAT TO ME. I AM GOING TO FORGET YOU MADE A COMPLETE MOCKERY OF ME AND MY CULTURE THIS ONE TIME. AND LET YOU CONTINUE TO DIG YOUR STUPID, SHITTY HOLE.

CG: AND DAVE, I AM BEGGING YOU NOT TO WASTE IT.

CG: TO ANSWER YOUR SHOCKINGLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION, NO I HAVE NOT DONE IT.

CG: WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK.

CG: HAPPY?

TG: ……..

TG: way to defuse the situation solid work

TG: real gold star effort grabbin that lit wick and blowing on it

TG: ok first of all you asked me first so dont act like im the one being a weirdo about this

TG: second of all i didnt mean it like that and you know it

TG: THIRD of all what the hell was the point of engaging the knightly theatrics then if you cant even verify that shit

CG: WELL FUCK, SORRY DAVE! I GUESS I'M JUST A FUCKING ROMANCE ENTHUSIAST! I GUESS I GIVE A MAJOR SHIT ABOUT THE THING YOU'RE OPENLY MOCKING TO MY FACE! IS THAT SO IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO WRAP YOUR THOUGHT SPONGE AROUND?

CG: AND IT WAS COMPLETELY REASONABLE FOR ME TO ASK YOU THAT, YOU CONGEALED FETID NOOKSTAIN! MY STATUS ON THE MATTER HAS LITERALLY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE POINT EITHER OF US IS TRYING TO MAKE.

CG: TRY TO KEEP YOUR NUGBONE FROM CAVING IN ON ITSELF WHEN I DROP THIS BOMBSHELL: I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE OPINIONS ON THINGS I ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT, EVEN IF I HAVEN'T DONE THEM! I DON'T JUST GO TROUNCING THE FUCK ABOUT LOBBING MY UNFOUNDED OPINIONS AT PEOPLE LIKE I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING. UNLIKE SOMEONE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE INVOLVED IN THIS CONVERSATION WE'RE HAVING RIGHT NOW!

TG: youre

CG: I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU BY THE WAY. THE SOMEONE IS YOU.

TG: oh gimme a break

TG: bro youre going apeshit over something you havent even done

TG: you know what that sounds like to me it sounds like an overcompensating fake fan who doesnt get any

TG: you heard of troll napoleon complex

CG: AT LEAST I ACTUALLY FORMED MY OPINION BASED ON CAREFUL CONSIDERATION --

TG: -- oh yeah i bet huh

CG: -- INSTEAD OF JUST BANKING ON NUBJERK --

TG: -- not a real thing you just said

CG: -- REACTIONS AND WRINKLING MY SNIFF NUB AT ANY SIGNS OF GENUINE PHYSICAL INTIMACY!

TG: stop saying nub

CG: YOU EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED BULGEWAD

TG: not too much worse than being a perpetual fountain of emotional diarrhea

CG: DON'T YOU DARE.

CG: DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO USE THAT AS A "GOTCHA", YOU--… YOU! FUCK!

TG: dude did you actually run out of insults

TG: okay this is getting concerning

TG: youre the international dude of verbal dunks

TG: that can not be happening

CG: AAGHRJRGHJRGRHJAGHRJGRHJAGRHJRGRHJRGRHRJR

TG: you cant run out of em youre like the ultimate peddler of hate

CG: YOU DON'T THINK I'M CRITICALLY AWARE OF THE HOOFBEASTSHIT I'M SPEWING NIGH FUCKING CONSTANTLY?! I AM PAINFULLY COGNIZANT OF HOW MORONIC EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS!!!!

TG: feel like ive done some damage here

CG: ESPECIALLY MYSELF!

TG: alright bud time to calm down

CG: YOU CALM DOWN!!!!

TG: okay whatever!

CG: WHATEVER!!!!!!!!

TG: jeez

…

TG: here

…

CG: UGH.

TG: yeah

TG: really glad stuff like this happens in private

CG: YEAH. SAME HERE.

CG: JEGUS, CAN WE GO BACK TO BEFORE WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION? I DON'T ASK YOU MANY FAVORS, SO SURELY YOUR SLURRY OF ILL-DEFINED TIME POWERS CAN ALLOW YOU TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

CG: JUST LIKE, WIPE THAT WHOLE THING OFF THE SLATE.

CG: LET'S START OVER. SAY, FIVE MINUTES AGO. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

TG: what conversation?

CG: OKAY, GOTCHA.

[the-s1lly-corner]

Ideas for a scenario where the Reader meets the Creepypastas? Perhaps Laughing Jack, Slenderman, and Ben Drowned if that's okay with You?

Meeting Laughing Jack, Slenderman, and Ben! (platonic)

or as i like to say; reader being the main character and being spared by the silly monsters!! very heavy on the hcs in bens segment with the "hes stuck in electronic devices" thing i got going on with him eheheh platonic for the simple fact that this is a meeting post!

SLENDERMAN:

would it really be a meeting with slenderman if i didnt bring up his pages? i think i made a joke post somewhere where your vibe alone intrigued the entity enough not to krill you on the spot... and given how i sometimes write slenderman to be a curious creature, i think it would be fitting that we revisit that idea! though, i dont think you would properly meet on your first encounter; no i dont think you guys formally introduce yourselves to one another until a few days/weeks after the event, when you notice that hes taken to following you around and sticking to the side.. honestly in a weird way its endearing, youve gotten the attention of this old forest monster... creepy but cute! like a stray puppy but if the puppy was like ten feet tall and faceless! thanks to you looking into him on the trusty internet you already know who he is; but you decide to go talk to him anyways. probably go into his woods again after he initially lets you escape... kind of slowly cocks his head to the side when looking down at you and listening to you tell him your name... you kind of jump when you hear /his/ voice in your head telling you that he already knows your name.. friendship.. if you can even call it that, starts off as just him observing you and learning your routine for the first few weeks... youre going to have to make the first big moves in order to get that man to do more than watch

LAUGHING JACK:

whenever i think of scenarios for the reader meeting jack, it always circles back to one main idea. i personally think that jack is in some way tied to his box. you know, the box to his jack. that box.. i think its like a cursed object, like you get it and jack is going to start messing with you not long after. usually i imagine the reader purchasing him at a garage sale, and then the antics ensue... imagine waking up one night and seeing this giant clown leaning down to your face, his cone nose lightly poking the tip of your own nose... you shouldnt be blamed for being even just a little spooked! and.. well next thing you know you have this clown roommate. i think not freaking out is key in making sure you dont die? i mean lj thinks krilling is mostly a game thanks to isaac and usually the victim is well... scared, naturally.. perhaps being outwardly calm dismisses any idea that theres a game going on. shrugs, thats the only decent idea i have... now go domesticate that clown! make him your best friend! or your malewife if thats what you want! just know hes going to be attached to you by the hip; a friend who wont leave him! how fun!

BEN DROWNED:

sure i could say that you go to a garage sale and buy the DS ben is on but thats boring and jack already has the garage sale idea... so im going to be a little different here. i have a headcannon that about 80% of the time ben is tied to a device, but he does have the ability to hop around if theyre linked up in some way... i think a hard drive could work, how he got into one we dont know... but lets say you find a random one, and against your better judgement you decide to plug it into your computer... and oop...! you have a virus.. but no matter how hard you try to look for it you cant find anything... no one can find anything, but your computer is acting so.. weird... its not until it starts leaving notes that you think that someone is doing something... you think its some dark web stuff going on.. what could they want? you guys talk back and forth. at first its just you trying to figure out what the person wants, but over time it turns into just simple chatter... though theres still a tenseness. youre still convinced its someone remotely messing with your computer until that 20% of the time where ben isnt confined happens... needless to say youre absolutely shocked to find a random teenager in your room at your computer, getting water absolutely everywhere mind you! definitely going to need a minute to process whats going on; but honestly i think ben is less of a kriller and more of a troller, at least in my mind... does lead to you trying to find out what happened to him, and perhaps try to find a way for his soul to move on.. funky sibling dynamic, i think

[sk1ttlecookie]

So eh, here it goes

MY REASONS WHY I THINK FOLLY IS WASTED CHARACTER POTENTIAL

I want to clarify that this is my personal take and opinions, with this blog im not attacking anyone nor im saying "yOu sHouLd sTop LikIng FoLly caUse I dont LikE Her >:(" Im just saying my reason while being an oc writer myself.

Also long text warning woohoo

First of all, one of my main problems with her is her design. Dont get me wrong, her design is good but not for her. Usually regretevator characters transmit the vibe they wanna give, like Pest being the "edgy" one, but for Folly her design doesnt fit with the "dream parasite" idea

Like, her clothes for me feel WAAYY too casual, and the eyes on her thighs just feels incorrect (if thats the word) for me, feels like the "character design i made so people can make her fanart" idk how to explain it but for me it feels like that. Dont get me wrong, im not saying Folly has to have a ultra complex design, full with symbolism, I like simple designs too, but the problem with her design is as I say before, IT DOESNT TRANSMIT THE IDEA OF "DREAM PARASITE" her design feels like an edgier Bive to me.

Now onto the next problem I have and its one of the things i dislike its... her recently added backstory.

Tbh, im not a big fan of how they executed her backstory, for me doesnt feel like its executed naturally principally cause i feel that Folly on my perspective wasnt the "but she wasnt evil at first 💔🥺🥺🥺🥺" stuff and doesnt need a "tragic backstory 🥺🥺🥺" (cause lets be honest, people can be shit just for being shit) and even if they wanted to have one and execute the trope, i recommend to have used hints instead of... Telling things directly. Which leads me to my next point.

The next thing I wanna talk (and will be the last one for now) is that depise shes intented to be more like "horror character" its completly ruined by the 2 things i mentioned before. At first they gave us this mystery abt this weird dream parasite that we didnt knew what it was or why it was doing the things it was doing which is a cool start, but then they revealed her name, her design, her backstory, etc. I think what im trying to say is that they are commiting the error of revealing too much and as my friend said while we were talking abt this "the less mysterious = the less scary it is" like at first we didnt knew what it was, what were their purposes, etc. One of the main sources of fear is the unknown, which was what they were doing on Folly at first but then they revealed wayy too much and... tbh that made me lose interest on the whole "dream parasite" stuff.

So, the whole thing resumed is:

Design that just doesnt fit with the idea/vibes they want to transmit

Unnecesary (for me) sad backstory

The mistake of reaveling way too much

Sorry if it is messy or if i repeat myself too much but i cant hold my silence any longer guys, now u can throw me rocks /j

But yeah thats all ig, bye

[umbrum77]

Been thinking of a scenario for a while and I wanted to present it to you.

Scenario: Azula, Katara, Ty Lee, and Yue (who survived) all fall in love with Suki after the war.

Only way I can see this ending is either in blood or a poly relationship/Suki harem.

How do you think it would go? What would five of them say or do? How would the rest of the Gaang +Mai or anyone else react?

first off i love the idea of gang + mai as it implies when the gang goes to save the world mai just shrugs and goes back to like reading a book, i think the gaang would be surprised. mai would be happy she only has to go to one wedding. suki: i got what the ladies like, swords. i would write this where they all end up joining the kyoshi warriors after the war. Yue tries but she really cant keep up with the training but stays on the island. tylee is just gay for suki. katara has to figure out if she is into girls at all and azula has to learn what liking someone actually like...is.

naturally they turn to tylee who helps them figure out there hearts. suki overhears this and finds it interesting. but panics when katara is the first one who says her feelings are about suki. azula is confused as she likes suki and what the rules are for that and tylee has to take a deep breath to explain. suki panics a bit a runs to find yue who has basically taken over running day to day operations of the kyoshi warriors, getting supplies, planning diplomatic missions, paper work and such. suki tells yue the news and yue laughs and tell suki thats why she came here. suki just sits on the floor and yue sits next to her. "you make quite the impression" yue starts. "you are a good person and it makes sense so many people see that." suki rubbed her eyes, "just what the heck do I do now?" yue smiled "what do you want to do?"

suki turned to yue, "i want to hug you for being so nice to me." yue smiled and opened her arms and suki leaned into her. they stayed like that for a moment and suki just breathed. suki pulls away and looks and yue with a smile "well i think i will keep you at least." yue laughed "gee thanks."

they both laughed,

"well i guess, " suki stood up and offered a hand to yue. "if this, what ever this is, works out you would get some girlfriends too?" "the world is much more interesting outside the north pole." suki laughed. " im going to tell them i over heard there talk, oh gosh there is a group of people gushing about me, thats so weird, want to join me?" "sure, oh and I have an idea." _ azula raised her hand, "wait so question so like do we get a really big bed?" katara, "yeah what if one of you snore?" tylee took a deep breath, these two very sheltered woman had alot of questions. "ok lets, lets start over." suki and yue walked into to the sitting area. the three girls turned and suki saw each of them brighten up. she turned to yue who nodded. the kyoshi warrior smirked and walked over to azula, "i over heard what you 3 where talking about" she then grabs azula and kisses her, pressing hard, she feels the princess freeze and then go slack. after a moment she pulls away and azula wobbles before falling down. "sun set is in a few hours and there is a nice spot to watch it on the mountain if you all want to join me." suki then walks out of the room, yue giving the other three girls a smile before following suki. katara and tylee look at each other and at the dazed azula. before jumping up to follow. azula finnaly comes to witha big smile on her face as they leave the room. she jumps to her feet. "wait for me!"

[missn00tson]

Am I the only person that hated s4 of tua?

Look, i am a big fan of the series, and I was so happy when the new season came out.

And s3 was a bit long for me, in the sense that some scenes were boring, so I wasnt too unhappy with a shorter season.

But what was this

Spoilers for The umbrella Academy season 4!

First of all, the whole Five and Lila relationship.

They are platonic friends, like siblings. Who thought it would be a fun idea to make them romantic all of a sudden?

"Oh, but they got stuck in time for 7 years its only natural"

You have to be shitting me.

I've been celibate for over 7 years, you think I'd date my brothers WIFE if we spend time tgt for those years? No. Fuck no.

It doesnt even seem to click with Five's personality, because he's so insanely loyal and caring towards his family. He would not do that, if we were to follow his personality from s1 to 3.

This brings me to Ben.

I have never been the biggest sparrow Ben fan, I'll admit that. I've always been an umbrella Ben fan and sometimes I wished sparrow Ben was more like him.

So you can imagine, I was happy when he started to appear more caring for Jeniffer.

Until they totally switched up his character.

Yes, he was influenced by the bond (which reminds me of the whole nesting situation of the last episode, which I must admit was very entertaining) which made him more loving yadaydaydaya. But everyone shows their love in a different way, sparrow Ben' type of loving is in no way shape or form sweettalking and grossly cutesy forms of affaction.

You might think so (the writers apparently did) but I surely disagree.

So his personality was, as you might guess, also out of the window.

His talking brings me to my next point. The dialogue.

I'm not sure if its just me, but it was so.goddamn.messy.

It was no dialogue, it was just a bomb of one liners aiming for nothing.

It had no feeling, no personality. Its as if the writers saw the one liners we liked, pasted them into an ai engine, and let it spit out 100 new ones to fill the movie.

I would like to give specific examples, but it happened all.the.time. If you dont believe me, watch the last episode. The only in character person was Victor (even though he's not my bestie, I loved that they stayed true to his character) with wanting to save his siblings, standing up to their father, wanting to keep his peace but always choosing to help his siblings no matter how much they hurt him in the past.

He was the only one who felt like the same person as the other season. Even Reggie was a goddamn mess (and thats something to say about that uptight bastard)

Now this part is purely personal. But the plot? The scenes? The entire construction was such a mess.

First of all. 7 years in that station? 7years? Youre telling me that super smart old man Five didnt think to look at those lines first before stepping in that train? You think "I must know everything and enything about everything and anything" Five didnt look up, took a good glance at those letters and knew. "Mhmm. Thats that weird writing my father used. How bout I try to TRANSLATE it BEFORE i step on this mystery train?"

If you think him stepping on a random train, not even looking at the map he picked up is in charcater? Sincerely, quit shitting my dick cuz no way you think that.

And then him giving up on finding his siblings? He was in an apocalypse for what? 50 years? And he always kept the stupid eye, thinking it might save his siblings. And now, here he is, giving up on them cuz he' a lil lost in daddy's train station?

Babes, you cant be serious.

Im aware that this post is very opinionated, and perhaps negative, but thats just how itll be. But if you feel offended by anything here, I do apologise. I love the series aswell, but his season, felt more like a 12 year old' followup story of season 3 (and that is not to say that 12 yo' cant write, cuz some of them r amazing, but you get the idea) and I cant believe they actually funded this.

And that is not to start about the decisions they made. Ben making them drink the marigold? Five not just going back to that moment if he could time travel (which he coulve bcz him and Lila went back to the "present" which is 7 years earlier than when they were stuck). Then stop them from drinking the Sake/Marigold. Merging the marigold with Jennifer and everything is fixed? Bcz they didnt have their powers anymore?

Either way

I might follow up on this, I might not.

But I do hope that some share my opinion, even if many dont.

Bye loves!

[elliestation]

ALYXCAT'S PAWSOME PLAYLIST - MY FAVORITE PARTS OF MY OWN ALBUM

I WANNA…i love the stereo space in this track. it just feels so wide to me and im being hugged by my guitars. im just so proud of myself to making this so quickly as proof of concept that i could make something really good if i just chose to have fun.

ANYTHING….the first and last verse of the song was written by my girlfriend. she wrote a song for our first anniversary that turned me into a SOPPING WET CRYING MESS and i had to reference it in some way. i ended up making this song for this years anniversary with a bunch of cute art i doodled with the lyrics on it…she cried and i was so glad.

TRACK THREE. this one encapsulates what writing this album felt like to me. everything was in perfect alignment. i feel like i really cracked the code. like i finally crossed (krossed haha) a hurdle that i'd been stuck on for many years of my life. its so corny and full of things i love about the songs i love, but thats the point. this is the song that taught me to embrace the rough and scrappy drafts and ideas and throw my feelings of inadequacy to the side. Polyana's verse really cemented this for me too because she just freestyles at the end and it just felt right to keep it in. TLDR: this song taught me to trust my gut. i love it so much.

HEADSPACE. i wrote this song after having a "regular" conversation with someone in my family and i was realizing i was dissociating as a defense mechanism whenever a specific sort of interaction would occur. i've always wanted to write a song that gets really intense and is really grand, rough, and intense, and this song really did it for me. its the first time i really appreciate my singing and screaming voice in its natural range, so im glad it was the first one on the album to feature it.

RECHARGED. i wrote this on a bad day but originally as a joke to make myself feel better. the starting sample is actually a stupid deku meme put through many layers of botanica ass sound design to hide it. i got a bunch of funny reactions from my friends after showing them. i actually did feel pretty refreshed after making this. enough to keep moving forward for the day <3

HOLD ME (sunglare from the sun). aside from the weird title shit thats going on with this track, this song is about a conversation i had with myself. my weeks kept feeling like moments of drowning mixed with the most euphoric times of my life on repeat. as much as i wanted to give up on everything i held dear to me, some part of me couldn't let go and encouraged me to keep going. despite all my self-sabotage, a part of me still had some fight left. the way that this song progresses is something that i never thought i could ever accomplish, and im glad that fighting side of me won because i would have never made this song without it.

CANT LET YOU KNOW. the person that this song is about changed my life. i know that the chorus and all that sounds like they sucked, but really i can't help but hope they're doing okay. though i may be afraid to tell them to their face, i hope they find this song and know that im glad they were apart of my life. i just love how corny this song is and I LOVE POLYANA'S VOICE SO MUCH. okay anwya yeah I ALSO LOVE THIS FUCKINNN OUTRO ITS SOOOO PRETTY TO MEEA AAA

SENTIMENTAL ALIBI. kros… FUCKING. KROS. THIS GUY IS MY FUCKING GOAT. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. THIS SONG WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE ALBUM!!! i made a little sketch one day and sent it to him just to hear his thoughts and HE CAME BACK WITH A WHOLE VERSE THAT MATCHED THE VIBES PERFECTLY WITHOUT ANY CONTEXT! and it ended up becoming the WHOLE SONG and one of the biggest projects i've ever worked on. for this entire album being the first times i've ever started working with people, im SO GLAD that my first experiences have results like this. these people have become such important pillars of my life and im so glad we were not only able to communicate that into a song together and work so well together doing it. my fav part of this song is the final climax…this is the first time i really sang my heart out on a chorus,,,,,and I LOVE HOW IT SOUNDS!!! THAT USUALLY NEVER HAPPENS!!!

TAKE A STEP. this song pushed me with the sound design a little and im really happy about it. when i hear this song i always feel a bit of me choosing to be a little hater and cringe at the conry ass message i have in this, but strangely i feel such comfort knowing i can look at those feelings, accept them, and move on despite them. i may think its stupid, corny, cringe, whatever. but i'll keep following those feelings because they have only led me to create this entire project. i will keep taking a step towards the realest parts of me no matter how fucking stupid i sound because its the only way to grow. im really glad this is the last song on the album for this reason.

the entire album means so much to me because this (and hopefully future projects too) will continue to serve as reminders of the lessons, memories, and joy i experienced when creating this project. dare i say, i would need a Sentimental Alibi to free myself from the nostalgia of this project.

i really hope these messages resonated with you <3 thank you so much for reading.

love you, stay safe.

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

I made a mistake last time, I said that I read chapters 22-30 when I only read 22-29, but now I have read chapter 30 and also chapters 31-34 so lets talk about those

Its so frustrating how Im more than halfway through this 700 page book thats ostensibly supposed to be about Feyre and Rhysand's complicated relationship developing and theres been no development because the things that should make their relationship complicated have just been completely handwaved. Like, if this book HAS to focus so much on Rhys to the detriment of Feyre, and he also just HAS to be morally good, atleast give him some kind of character arc of bettering himself, right now Im basically just looking at this stagnant statue of a guy through someone elses eyes which doesnt make for a rewarding reading experience

Ive also been noticing more and more weird retcons and idk what to call it, justifications for why Rhys is better even when hes doing the same shit as Tamlin I guess? The two big ones being, when Tamlin blew up that room after Feyre told him that he was suffocating her he did it out of anger, and, Feyre is fine with wearing dresses for the night court because she knows she can go back to wearing Illyrian leathers anytime, which is not how it was at the spring court.

First of all, I keep saying this, I am not a Tamlin girlie, I dont like him that much and hes doing a bad job dealing with Feyre, but you dont need to make shit up to make Feyre's choice to leave feel justified. Like, he was not punching the walls in anger, he felt so bad and guilty about hurting Feyre when all he wants is to keep her safe that his magic went haywire over it. And thats bad enough! I mean Feyre, who has a lot of trouble communicating her feelings, finally managed to tell him everything thats wrong and makes her feel bad and makes healing from her trauma difficult, and he reacts by basically having a panic attack which makes his magic react in a dangerous way. Idk about you, but I would not feel comfortable or even safe expressing my feelings to him, even if he didnt react like that out of anger

Like, Feylin could have just not worked out, it couldve just been disfunctional without being portrayed as abuse but it cant be, I guess because it needs to be abuse in order to justify Feyre leaving him. And thats so strange to me because the idea that women need any kind of ("serious") justification for leaving a relationship is completely anti-thetical to the themes of feminism and choice that this book is trying to go for. Like, why cant a woman just break up with a guy because she stopped feeling it, theres no reason not to break up with a guy who makes you feel bad even if hes not being outright abusive. Although, in this particular story there actually is a reason, which is that if Feyre left Tamlin without a "good" justification then Amarantha would win, she would be proven right about the fickle nature of humans and the pointlessness of their un-eternal love from beyond the grave and that would be a bummer because the first book is about how Love Conquers All, as is the case with pretty much all great romances. So Tamlin's unambigiously abusive now so that that beautiful idea of Love Conquering All doesnt end up being dragged through the dirt. ACOMAF essentially posits that the Love that was supposed to Conquer All isn't real because neither Feyre nor Tamlin were willing or able to truly love each other through their trauma, ergo it didnt actually Conquer All. Thats also why Rhysand isnt meaningfully affected by what should be traumatic events; because while Feyre can love someone through her own trauma, she cant seem love someone whos traumatized themself

I feel like the way I phrased that was pretty harsh, but I do think its kinda true, in a way. Idk man, the thing that makes talking about Feyre's new UTM trauma so difficult is that everyone, including the narrative itself, is expecting her to have worked through it within less than half a year when its like, shes immortal and also living in a world with no therapists, she can take a bit longer than that. I mean hell, everyone in the inner circle is like 500 years and all of their major traumata happened when they were very young and most of them have still not learned how to actually cope with them aside from killing/avoiding the people who caused it (atleast from what Ive seen, especially of Cassian), Feyre might honestly be doing better than all of them but she keeps dogging on herself which, remember, her perspective is objectively correct as of this book, so that sucks

Alright, three paragraphs to talk about that first point, lets move on to talking about the dress thing. I have already observed that it seems like Feyre might stop wearing pants entirely at some point despite how much this particular book keeps going on and on about Tamlin forcing her to wear dresses in conjunction with going on about Tamlin forcing her into a subserviant mother-role, implying that dresses are inherently depowering, and well. I hate that for Feyre but I do love being proved right

And like, okay, I think Feyre hating dresses is another ACOMAF retcon, but its a retcon in a weirdly circular way. Let me explain; in ACOTAR I didnt get the impression that she hated dresses, I thought she just preferred pants because its what she was used to and because for a pretty large chunk of the book she was thinking about fleeing or was in situations where she needed to run away from something and pants were just more practical for that. But when she trusted the fae a bit more and a special occasion came up or she wanted to make Tamlin feel flustered (? that one doesnt make that much sense to me tbh), she did ask for dresses to wear and only felt a little embarrassed about it because she didnt usually wear them. I didnt even get the impression that she hated the impractical rich noblewoman dress they put her in when she was sent back to the human world, just that she found it really silly and unfitting for her. And I do think her being willing to wear dresses was supposed to be a signifier of her healing journey and her learning how to be gentle and let herself be loved in that book

Then ACOMAF comes around and she suddenly hates wearing dresses, which also ties into her suddenly becoming some kind of adrenaline junkie when she previously wanted to live a peaceful and comfortable life. Now, granted, the difference is that in ACOTAR she wore dresses that she explicitly asked to wear, whereas in ACOMAF Tamlin just assumes that she will always wear dresses by virtue of her being a woman without asking Feyre about it at any point (I know Ianthe was actually more involved in the dress-stuff, but the narrative is making Tamlin responsible for it so Im just gonna go along with it for simplicity's sake). Thats reasonable enough

But then a little further into ACOMAF we have Rhysand doing the exact same thing, hes assuming that she will wear dresses for the sake of keeping up appearances and helping him with his politics (and also, he's assuming that she will let herself be sexualized via the apple-breast comment in front of Tarquin (and later the CoN-UTM reeanactment scene)) and hes right, because of course he is. But the reason its fine when Rhysand does it, I guess, is because he keeps reassuring her that she has a choice in these matters when she really doesnt. Like, did he pack some illyrian leathers just in case Feyre didnt want to wear the dresses he got her? If he did, theres been no mention of it. Theres also been no mention of him asking her if she preferred to wear pants or a dress for the Summer Court mission, even though it seems to me that harem pants are considered to be unisex in the Night Court while they seem to be considered distinctly masculine in places like the Spring Court

And then we get to the thing about this dress-stuff that makes me call it a 'weirdly circular retcon'; while Nuala is dressing Feyre up for her date with Tarquin, for lack of a better term, she looks at herself in the mirror and thinks about how maybe, after everything shes been through that forced her to become hard, shes starting to heal and can finally let herself be feminine and soft and pretty. If you'll recall from a few paragraphs ago, that already happened to Feyre in ACOTAR except it was more subtle, I dont remember her just straight-up thinking about it like she does in this scene in ACOMAF. So its the same thing, but instead of her wearing dresses that she excplicitly asked to wear, shes wearing dresses that her new bf picked out for her and all but made her wear

And honestly, thats a really good way of summarizing the differences between Feylin and Feysand and the way Feyre gets treated in these book, which is why I wrote so fucking much about this pretty insignificant detail

Surprisingly enough, Im not done with this monster of a post yet, because I have some stuff to say about the Summer Court

The way Cresseida was introduced and treated made me have what Im just gonna call an angry epiphany. Like, before she came along I just thought the feminism of this series was very shallow and very white, but after her introduction I was just angrily thinking to myself "How the FUCK is this series considered feminist in any way?! The three types of women that exist in this story are literally Protagonist's Sisters (characterized as Haughty Bitch and Infantilized Clueless Cinnamon Roll Who Can Do No Wrong respectively), Protagonist's Slaves Servants Who Are Inexplicably Always Darkskinned Women and Promiscuous Bitches"

Varian seemed fine, but I dont like that he seems to have something going on with Amren. I know I said I didnt particularly like her, but I did still kinda latch onto her as my aroace rep so I find that very disappointing. But I guess thats on me for having expectations like that of the most amatonormative book series Ive ever read

So, from observing this part of the fandom prior to reading the books, it seemed that if sjm critical people dont like Feylin, theyll usually like Feyquin as an alternative to the horrible but canon Feysand. Despite that, I didnt have the highest expectations because honestly, it not much harder for a character to be a better love interest than ACOTAR!Tamlin and Rhysand. Like, the thing about Tamlin is that he was a really boring guy but hes a very good love interest, and the thing about Rhysand is that hes also really boring and hes a very bad love interest, so I thought "okay, I know Tarquin is the youngest and he has that whole thing about actively wanting equality for faeries but no one taking him seriously because everyone thinks hes inexperienced, OBVIOUSLY hes more interesting than the guys who can access their power with no issue, and then he'll just be kinda flirty towards Feyre, as SJM MaLeS usually are and that makes him a decent enough potential love interest I guess" and thats all true but idk, actually reading about him made me like him sooooo much. Like, him and Feyre telling each other theyre easy to love? Mwah, gorgeous. I bet Rhys is really glad he has that mating bond because without it his sorry ass would NOT be able to compete with Tarquin

So now my list of m/f Feyre ships goes Feyquin > Feycien > Feylin and Feyre/Azriel are on about the same level to me I think > Feysand (not including feyssian bc I think its a crime to ship cassian with a woman sry)

I specify m/f Feyre ships because if I included all of the Feyre ships, Feyanthe would be at the very top followed by Feyre/Amren. Idk, I know its obscure, but when she was describing how Amren was wearing a crop top she said something like "a sliver of skin was left exposed, as tempting as a calm lake" and I was like oh? 👀 Those guys have potentialllllllll I mean who needs Mates when youre both Made amiright fellas. Also, Feyre/Mor would go above Feysand

Anyway, thats it from me again, I hope you enjoyed this

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hii sex witch

im 19 afab and ive never had sex before, i masturbate sometimes but ive never had an orgasm and dont know how to "get it"?.. im generally scared of sex and identified as asexual for a long time but i dont think thats really my deal, im just scared of it. im scared of it being awkward, of my partner not finding me atractive or worse. i dont like how i look naked, and dont imagine anyone ever could. i think my vagina and my boobs look ugly and alien, i preach body positivity and being natural i think all bodies are good no matter how they look but when im faced with the reality of my own body im repulsed by these parts of it. i think something may be broken inside me because i just cant Be Normal about sex, the thought of me having it always makes me stressed and uncomfortable. i want a relationship and i love meeting new people and flirting etc. but when the person i talk to makes any sexual joke or innuendo i get super tense and scared and realise that if things get further they would probably want me to do it... and maybe i could and maybe i even want to but the thought makes me sick with the pressure. this isnt even a question, so i dont know how you could even respond but i dont have anyone i could openly talk about this in my life without feeling super weird or them just brushing it off as "you'll grow up to it" or something, and i just had to say it to someone or else i will eventually explode. hope this all makes sense ❤️‍🩹

hey anon,

come in, get cozy, grab a glass of lemonade, etc. we're gonna be here a minute.

so listen: I swear to GOD this isn't me trying to pull the "you'll grow into it" thing. I am going somewhere different with this I swear. bear with me.

first and foremost, I think the main problem you're experiencing right now is that being 19. I don't mean that in a condescending or belittling way, or to imply that you just don't want to have sex because you're 19. I'm saying that being 19 (and 18, and 20, and 21, and so on) is mostly for being worried about everything and having no idea what's going on. you have to get all that insane anxiety out of your system as early as possible in your adult years so that you can get down to business actually developing a perspective and figuring out what you want to do. I'm not even, like, a LOT older than you but trust me, by the time you're 26 you're going to feel SOOOOO different about things that you don't even realize you have an opinion about right now. when I was 19 I was made pretty much exclusively of anxiety and the cheapest bagels at the grocery store. (eating badly was not helping my anxiety.)

what I'm getting at here is that you're at like a very exciting and terrible formative age when it's the most normal thing in the world to feel like there's something uniquely awful and hideous and unlovable about yourself. when I was 19 the two most important things in the world to me were losing my virginity (lmao) and making sure I never experienced actual emotional intimacy ever because I was sure that if anyone got close enough to really know me they would realize that I was the worst person who ever lived and fundamentally undeserving of human connection. TERRIBLE place to be in; I had a lot of deeply bad and uncomfortable sex because of it.

there's a really easy solution to being terrified of sex, which I wish someone had told me when I was very scared of sex, and it's if having sex sounds like a horrific ordeal you can actually just Not Have Sex. just don't do it. it's actually REALLY easy to not have sex; millions of people do it every single day.

if you like meeting people and flirting, that's awesome! you should do that, having connections and relationships with other people is important. if you don't like sexual jokes and innuendos you can just tell people they make you uncomfortable and ask them not to do that; how they respond is actually a GREAT litmus test for whether or not those are people you should keep hanging out with. if someone isn't able to not make sexual comments about you after you've asked them not to, kick 'em to the curb!

there are tons of people in all kinds of romantic relationships who aren't having sex. that's a perfectly fine and reasonable boundary to set. it can make things a little more complicated, sure, but dating and romance and love are all complicated and messy anyway. again, great way to VERY EFFICIENTLY weed out who is and isn't a suitable potential partner. (it's also fine to not want a partner, either; there's nothing wrong with being a sociable extrovert who doesn't want to have sex.)

there's nothing broken about you for being nervous about the idea of having sex. whether you identify as asexual or not, it's perfectly fine to feel that way. it's completely fine if you change your mind tomorrow or if you feel this way for the rest of your life. and you might! maybe sex will never sound awesome for you, and that's fine! again, tons of people living very good and happy lives every day without having sex! sex isn't a measure of maturity, but knowing yourself well enough to honor your own boundaries and desires is.

I hope a kinder attitude towards your own body can come with time, and I think it will. be gentle with yourself, alright? being 19 is very silly but unfortunately very necessary, and I think you'll really like what comes after if you let yourself relax a little. whatever you feel like right now, you're actually a very normal person, by which I of course mean you have a rich and brilliant mind and will do many quietly wonderful things in your life and will be deserving of every bit of love and joy that comes your way.

also, hey - have you ever seen a therapist about anxiety? I also should have done that when I was 19.

[sassykinzonline]

lmk if im annoying you with my questions. 🫣

the will of fire had been originally about how love would bring peace but within the series it seems to have been twisted into a nationalist idea — maybe im wrong so i want another pov as im working on this essay rn (bc im an adhd mess who cant focus on one thing at a time).

seen with shikamaru’s arc and how he is obviously very pro-konoha. how exacrly do yoi think this idea got twisted so badly? i assume its due to tobirama and danzo tbh. but im not sure. (maybe im not explaining well)..

and also, what are your opinions on every in konoha 11 and how they treated naruto. i think theres a weird conditional acceptance they give him in shippuden but doesnt seem like true friendship. yk)

sorry for the long ask!

i'll just keep telling you i love your questions, someday you'll believe it.

ok so the will of fire: in my opinion its inception is kind of what got fucked up. if we're to believe that the sage and the myth about his kids happened in the land of fire, then thats where that starts. the sage's original mistake was the idea that because one brother had a different perspective, he could be excluded from cooperation. its objectively true that to build civilization you need to have a sense of community, but that doesnt implicitly mean that that sense of community needs to manifest in the same way. indra had that, it just wasnt necessarily his priority. they basically punished him for being an introvert (INTJ specifically) ☠️.

so basically the issue with the will of fire is that from the start it was self-defeating. if we need to "pass on" the will of fire because its about building love and community, then we should be finding ways to include everyone regardless of who they are. if theres some arbitrary point where someone is no longer "part of the group", then youre not building love and community.

thats why you end up with the warring states period, where clans are fighting for no real reason, then the founders era where ultimately hashirama doesnt do a very good job of respecting madara or the uchiha, then like you said things absolutely snowball with tobirama because hes essentially just repeating the mistake the sage made on a systemic scale rather than a personal scale like hashirama did.

i would also say that in making "the will of fire", a fairly jingoistic concept in practice, the founding principle of konoha, hashirama is to blame for the naturally occurring state of fascism konoha descended into. so thematically speaking it IS appropriate that naruto becomes hokage in boruto to "end fascism" (or whatever kishimoto thinks fascism is) because he includes EVERYONE even if theyre villains or war criminals or what have you. hes the embodiment of radical empathy. people might not like that but thats pretty much the only way to have a restorative and progressive society particularly to avoid a boomerang back into fascism to begin with.

generally speaking too, pretty much everyone in a position of power is linked to hashirama in some way because of the way succession works in konoha, so its pretty easy to spread propaganda fast and have it take its foothold across generations. your example of shikamaru being -> asuma -> hiruzen -> tobirama -> hashirama.

konoha 11: i might have a different take on this since i know these people so im gonna try to be a bit open-ended

kiba - i actually think kiba has a somewhat fair interpretation of naruto which is that hes annoying, but just another kid, but also they have the same dream so theyre "rivals". especially since they have the same personality (kinda), i think its easy to see why theres friction between them but theyre also both pretty tenderhearted people. in my opinion they have the kind of relationship most people (usually straight guys) think me and naruto have; that rough and tumble Boys Being Boys crap. in shippuden i think hes in the middle of the pack when it comes to being kind to naruto, from what i remember he seemed to be struggling more with the idea of where his allegiances should lie. the fact that he was questioning it to begin with is more than you can say for a lot of them.

hinata - mouse. wants something from naruto but at least its fairly unconditional, and based on his actual spirit. completely useless to being a straight up liability to him though. but in shippuden at a certain point she seems to be aware of that and doesnt force herself to get in his way and stuff the way sakura does.

shino - irrelevant.

ino - her relationship with naruto is pretty funny. this may be controversial but if i think theres someone who's the biggest victim of misogyny in fandom its her. shes smart, shes a good fighter, shes brave, shes kind, she has a lot of accomplishments to her name, shes talented, i could go on and on, but people think shes "unrealized" because she likes hot guys. but it isnt even like she lets that get in the way of her work like others? she just has high self-esteem? shes another person where i think she was indeed kind of mean to naruto when he was a little shit, but also was nice to him when he was nice. as in she treated him more fairly than others when she didnt have too much of a reason to. i do think though that in shippuden it becomes more clear that at the end of it all though she still subscribes to the "hero of konoha" narrative (her sudden thirst for him 😒), but she still treats naruto the same as always so its less conditional.

shikamaru - hes a bit of a user isnt he? im under the impression his father knew of naruto's lineage and THATS the reason why he encourages his son to try and get closer to him. their family are known to be smart and kind of manipulative so....theyre definitely playing chess in that regard. i think, at least, that hes pretty open about his sentiments towards naruto being largely professional, so naruto doesnt have any misconceptions about where they stand.

choji - follower but also a nice guy so hes kinda in the kiba boat of "probably wants to be genuine with naruto but struggling with how much hes allowed to do that".

sakura - shes a down low hater, an opp and a bootlicker. she exemplifies naruto's conditional acceptance. pass.

sai - hes slightly closer than kiba and choji on the "struggle" bus, where he ends up being closer to being genuine with and siding with naruto. im sure his experiences with root are what influence this. i also dont necessarily think his allegiances are to "konoha", i just think he doesnt really get whats going on so hes kind of just reacting to whats happening and deciding how it feels in that moment. hes like a telltale games character with a compass guiding the decisions he makes as he goes along.

lee - openminded, doesnt seem to have a strong creed and is focused more on being of service whoever is doing the most work. if thats naruto then hes helping naruto. if thats konoha then hes helping konoha. he has good mentorship from guy in that sense.

neji - pro naruto from jump. not even a question.

tenten - she doesnt really have anything to say does she? shes not really a political person, she likes blending in, doing her job, and collecting her weapons.

so overall i would say that theres a good amount of people at least trying to question the system and not stand in opposition of naruto, but the people beholden to the system would pose a decent threat.

[emelinstriker]

So im just now seeing you talking about the possibility of adding our lovable dingle dorks Jin and Yin and i would say that i love the idea! In your post about it you asked if they were immortal and i would like to put in my two cents if that's all good? If not you can ignore this!

Anyways i would like to point out that in all the mini moments where we see all the demons Wukong faced on his journey to the west we do see the twins among them with Macaque and Spider queen. So i would think they were as immortal as Macaque as in; they don't grow old or get sick so cant die of natural causes but can still be killed. But that's the show version and well, the actual journey to the west book cant be of help since they are one of the things the show changed.

With all that being said since i don't know how to help with the personality stuff since i don't know all the details with the color and personality correlations you have set up. But i would agree chill bro dad types is weird for them since they come off as the dumbass older brother type.

Either way i love and adore this au you have been cooking on this corner of the internet and no matter what you chose to do or not do with the loveable dumbass twins i will keep looking forward to what you do next with the au!

I mean, even if they're not immortal, pretty sure the Archivist could help out cuz he most likely has something regarding immortality in the back of the storage somewhere- But if they're immortal by default then that would make things easier and he wouldn't have to rummage around the storage.

And in the case of personalities- They would be both in the spots of the Archivist and the Keeper-

Funnily enough, despite being chill dads, they are actually still lovable idiots. Though, the Archivist jokes around more to light up the mood while the Keeper is more direct in speaking truths and won't hold back in telling someone to shut up due to their different upbringings.

But they're also like besties and love talking/gushing about their kids. Like- Y'know those parents that have baby pictures of their children ready in their wallet for the world to see- Yeah, that's them lmao-

If I did add Jin and Yin, they would both still have this kinda double trouble idiots energy, just a lot less recklessly dumdum with what they do. But if they'd be alone with their Master, they'd be a lot more calm and mature about things...

I still see it as so perfectly lined up though with their colors and the fact that the Archivist and the Keeper are best friends. Like- This wasn't planned- but the more I compared them I was like "...Wh-"

I'll probably do a poll later to see how many peeps would be interested- But after at least Azure Lion's officially be (re-)designed.

[stupid-boy-here]

1:52 am, cant sleep soo more grian angst, this time YHS angst because why the F no?, again no English speaker, sorry for any mistakes

Brutal- olivia Rodrigo

Everyone says that high school is the best phase anyone can go.

Grian does not whatsoever. High school was the beginning of his messed up life, or at least when he started to noticed.

The second time he went to japan was for some friends and spend a beach day with them, something simple enough, just go, have a good time and go back to london.

It was not a surprise that the day went like that, on a (mostly) chill way, he made a awful prank, play with a girl feelings, even if he didint know her and she didn't know him, being planted on prom night should not feel good, but then on the emotion of the moment Grian didn't thought things through and he made that stupid prank,if it can be called like that, of course.

On the same day he went back to london grian did not even think about going back, it was not a bad reason,really, but it never really stuck with him. Just a small change of routine and then everything back to how it was.

Yeah sure

Maybe that's why he was surprised to get down that bus once again,just with a Halloween costume this time, Grian never was a huge fan of changing way to much, it made him uncomfortable on certain way, but one more visit cant hurt, right? I mean is just that, one more day being with his friends, have a nice chill day, have fun, and go once again back to london.

This time whatsoever did not go as planed, he could have not known, after all Sam wasn't like this on the time he knew him, Sam was just a shy and pathetic boy.

Just that. Not a murderous man, a blood thirsty bunny-hibryd, and just because taurtis said something off??

He was scared now, taurtis bleeding out and taking him to the station was not a great idea, but Sam said that it should be like that, and Grian couldn't see himself going on the contrary of the bunny boy, not now, he just had to be convincing enough to then take the wheel; But it could not happened, Taurtis was weaker than Grian tought him to be and passed out in a few minutes, he was beyond scared, his heart pounding on his ears did not allow him to think properly.

And he did all he could, escape and drag his unconscious friend, go to a hospital, put taurtis there, and wait, just that, wait for him to be good, to survive.

But then again the universe or the gods did not want to be kind with him once again and put even more pressure on him, and lets say that Grian doesn't remember the policeman gentle or particularly patient, just wanted a quick awnser and go away, Gri just did as he could and trying to not "snitch" on his friend

It was maybe the fact that Grian was still sacred of him

Because he was a good friend and friends don't just go around and put his friends on trubble..

The hardest part was telling Sam the news, with the little incident Gri could not know how Sam could act, so naturally he was sacred of even look at him, but he did anyway, just counting the seconds,preparing for the worst yet it did not arrived, not at his knowledge at least.

Sam just was a little weirded out for the accusation of stabbing his best friend, taking Grian as a crazy man, but of course it was just acting, letting it go just the moment Grian mentions the police.

Grian didn't said anything, so he should be free, right? He should be off the radar now.

And just when he was prepering himself to tell Sam that on the first Signal taurtis gives that he is alive, he will be gone. Sam interrupted those thoughts, with a request. One Grian did not apriciate yet did anyway, after all he saw yuki's knife on the corner of his eye, he could not end like his friend did so Gri just budge.

• • • •

He should have not done it he would have not, no no no nononononononononono please no, someome Anyone, just please tell me I'm me, Tell me I'm not taurtis that's not who i am but who im i? that was gr1an Grian could think about, he was tired, he was sacred and started to really forget who he really was.

It didn't get better.

On the entire day no one really told Sam about his mistake, on how he clearly was not that tanned, Black haired boy, but rather a White, blond boy. No

Absolutely no one, and if someone slipted sam seemed on the edge of a colapse.

But gym class was the last drop Sam's took of Grian trying to not forget who he really was, he just got lost on the madness and on the anger he felt.

Meanwhile Taurtis Grian ran, he just tried to get away, thanks to Rowan, but it didint go well

Grian stumbled and tripted on almost everything on his way, and well Sam caugth him, corning him on a little shack, trowing at him that bad copy of Doritos,

Forcing him to eat them, and then the plastic, and he succeeded, it took to almost shove the plastic down Gri Taurtis His Throat but at the end he did it. And well the blond had to stick around until it was safe enough for him to escape.

Yet he never did, even as a yakusa and even when the police made the trio work for them, he never knew why, maybe the fact that he had a gun now, and he could learn to do a lot of stuff, self defense and otherwise.

He deep down enjoyed see Sam hurt, or even on a bad situation, or to just let out that anger on someone else, and even see the woman who made all that happen die.

He was never sastified, yet it was enough, he barely remembers his name again on the first call of it.

Lmao now is 3:00 am, i need to sleep soon but dang I made better than the last one, at least on describing better how i picture it on my head

[bicon-crange]

can the nosey ones know abt ur crush? :3c dw if not. my condolences (positive)

yeah sure why not i cant stop fucking talking about it anyways.

iiii dont know if its necessarily a crush though!! definitely an obsession. definitely some kind of. fixation. thanks for your condolences i definitely fucking need them. TT-TT )

its like. uh. this person i know whos sooo articulate and smart and. theyre really sweet. yknow BASIC SHIT. theyre great everyone likes them.

anyways when we first started talking it was like. some kinda. there was clashing. i guess is how you could put it? but every time we finished talking i felt soo like. electrified. like buzzing. like my whole body was just shaking. adrenaline? maybe?

i really thought at first that it was just a friendly interest. some sort of.. y'know intellectual thing! you meet someone whos so much smarter than you and whos ideas are so well put together and who thinks YOU'RE interesting and of course you want to know more of how their brain works of course youre. captivated a bit yknow? thats like. normal. to feel. i think.

oh the first couple times we talked i went so nuts! i reread over our convos like a thousand times and reiterated our talks several times to EVERYONE in my house. its so actually embarrassing. but they were good convos you HAAAVE to understand. it was like. ducking weaving. it was like. some sort of mental exercise . and i thought it was like. normal. but it just kept. HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING.

and i tell you what this was a lot easier a month or so ago when i was like I JUST REALLY LIKE TALKING TO THIS PERSON!! ^_^ (<- STILL A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY) cause ugh. lately its like. ever since the thought popped in my head that this interest MIIIGHT be romantic in nature its. ALLLL DAY thinking about them its so nuts! its so constant!! its literally like a fucking DISEASE... i feel like. angry over it? spiteful? almost? it reminds me of when i had a crush on a guy in elementary school and I didnt know how to handle it so i beat the hell out of him with a lunch box.

like im over here forgetting shit left and right and messing up basic conversation skills and having heart palpitations and theyre like. fine probably. iiii honestly dont think they even think about me lol. i mean definitely not as much as i am,easy, because im totally insane and obsessive i know this.

we also dont talk so much! its not very often! so yeah im sure they dont think about me as much. im even definitely sure if i ever verbalized this it wouldnt work out. ive visualized them turning me down like 20 different ways for 20 different reasons just today. lots of reasons yknow! im mentally unwell and totally nuts, im immature and also very ugly im unable to carry out a meaningful relationship because of my chronic pain problems and various health issues, all of that is fine but my obsessive nature is really freaky,LD relationships are a no-go, they just dont like me that way, ect ect ect.

its sooo stupid. its SO middle school. they type a response to me and i can barely look at the screen. i feel SO fucking stupid its insane. im like. going to claw my eyes out of my head and chew on them till they burst. i hate it here. and its never going to be reciprocated whatsoever so im literally not even going to try.

BESIDES Y'KNOW!! I DONT EVEN KNOW FOR SURE IF THATS WHAT IM FEELING!! its been wracking my brain for a week straight!! its like. am i just fascinated on an intellectual level, am i just interested in an anthropological sense, are these just really good conversations, if this just normal friendship and im making things super weird? am i just excited that someone seems to get what im saying about what im interested in? yknow. dumb.

either way TLDR; im waiting for it to pass. either I'll sort my own feelings out or itll pass! if its infatuation, GOOD, that has a expiration date of 1-2 years so i will just box it up and not think about it and not do anything about it. ^_^ )9 and it WILL die. BUT if you know how to force that process to go along faster let me KNOW.

[just-some-random-blogger]

meowmeow, sunshine! short-pawed kitties TT ig your kitties miss u too.

'no idea if you sent this today' tumblr r u seriously? TT its the easiest function ig?.. also rip to your... all?

'why would you congratulate me for that' bc i didnt know what this holiday is about?.. isnt revolution for the dictator government good?.. 'dictators son is our president' HAHDPFH why.... how... where... only wrong answers.... i mean im not the one to judge... but the man is odd

'PLEASE DONT DIE' since you asked so nicely hahfhah

'ITS SO MUCH BETTER NOW' i hate how long it is TT i dont like the visuals TT but ok whatever is better for you babygirl

'according to the judgy cat' HFNKJNF me. yes. i am.

'THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A STRONG WOMAN' there is! but if they make it your only trait💀 'i still do fucking care about what people think' ig we all care what people say? its sad but human is a social being and we kinda cant live without listening to the society... the difference is probably how much we care and how much it affects our lives. i mean it does suck. yk youre worthy and significant just the way you are without playing up to stereotypes and trying to deserve the others' approval in a way you personally dont like. strength isnt your whole personality.

'complimented me on my strength' well ig its pretty logical to compliment smns strength when they do smth involving it and they wanted to be polite but duh. these accidental things with no harmful intention usually hurt the most. 'i dont want people to whisper about me having big arms' 1) ig no one whispers things when its not involved 2) your arms are beautiful! its ok to have whatever arms. including big arms. you work out so its consequential? and people really do not like 'big' arms only on men. yk a lot of girls who have romantic feelings for girls also love these hands on girls (DOES IT MAKE SENSE TT). ok this may not be the best example but there are people who just lile it? just admire some good arms. and im sure there are men whod think damn girl i want to hold this hand till my death. sorry but do i sound idk not soothing now? im sorry im trying TT i mean its not like strong arm r only for men. its fine if you have these. there are people who like it and dislike it (like with the height) and there will always be ideal view you wont be able to match in some ways. your arms are just good arms. they do lots of talented things and they are healthy, they keep you healthy and pretty. you are good the way you are. 'boys make fun of me too for the same reason' theyre just not grown enough and/or childish, absolutely not mentally mature. they think their worth is having toned arms while arms are just arms. 'he tired so hard to be muscley where i was naturally gifter' yeah thats what its about! theyre jealous. they think its the only wat they can be handsome so when you have it theyre jealous and afraid their arms and strength would be devalued.

'Were literally so alike' youre not 178 cm💀 ahajsh sorry. whats the betrayal?.. i didnt trade you for some prick.

'Don’t tell me how to write' ok.... i wanted the best TT

'i can gear the disbelief' oh you can? SURPRISINGLY.

'TO GLUCK THE PACIFIC OCEAN' HOHGOJJ i mean you can try. ill watch.

'THE AGGRESSIVE POSITIVITY?' like... hes positive? but in an aggressive way?

'im not sure if you understand what im saying' like in general... i do... 'Try it. If it makes sense' ok that one i dont understand even a little bit💀 'Youre good at math but idk if im good at explaining' im good at math but im bad at music💀 it seemed easier before you started saying 'try it' TT 'your head will be chopped off' OH this one i understand. 'there was something weird about that second song' HAHDJFJ i know nothing abt music so if it sounds good, its fine for me. MAybe apocalypsis IS the strange thing but am i wrong?

'Im willing to see what you want to share' oooh arent you cute? go finish your assignments and well see. i can read your kylo fis but remember. hes my rival. also i read you 'first snow' fic! omg TT aemma TT my sun my moon my stars TT shes glowing in my memories so yeah. her realtionships with vissy 100/10 with daemon 100/10 with reader 10/10 (bc there basically no interactions so no 100). AWKWARD DAEMON hgighg i live for awkward daemon! the cutie. imagine being a prince, all powerful, riding a dragon and then running around disheveled, half-naked with hardly opened eyes and pure sleep on your face? i imagine this. and it makes me giggle and have a little grin. also the targ-family dynamics (sorry if you dont want to hear abt it) reminds me of wfal. my cute babes TT

i dont understand wether i have too many symbols or not with this new paragraph thing TT so ok. thats all. how r you? how much water have you drunk today? eat well, sleep well. have a nice day/night. luv u. take care<з

HELLO MY LOVE GOOD MORNING or at least it is for me

me and you

meowmeow, sunshine! short-pawed kitties TT ig your kitties miss u too.

my kitties could care less T_T cos that means they care maybe just a little

'no idea if you sent this today' tumblr r u seriously? TT its the easiest function ig?.. also rip to your... all?

to be honest T_T its a me thing i am brain fried /: HAHHAH

Also i wanted to talk about the playlist because i listened to it properly now! i was eating donuts but now im hungry again. T_T im going to get water T_T i

Забери меня, если ты придёшь.10 Забери меня, если ты найдешь. Забери меня, что стоит тебе? Ты же знаешь как?

Like I think she says Забери меня then it goes up half notes to the tonic then she sings the next part

Суицид моей веры this sounds like the songs I used to listen to way deep in my emo phase

Чудовище GOSH I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH FOR REAL ITS ON MY SPOTIFY NOW I think this was the song I said went so hard because damn it really went SO HARD I listened to it twice I just checked my reply and it is I still stand on my words she can stab me if she wants.

I heard the давай and I was like I KNOW THAT but also I don’t I had to google what I means apparently it means give and ??? is that wrong ??? I also I think there was a bad word somewhere there and I was right!!! But I cant determine which word it is. But I heard it be said lol HAHAAH its a curse word my older brother likes to say lol T_T its so yuck of him im going to spell it the way i think it would be... blyat? HAHHAH LOL HAHAHH

Lol I like this Демоны. Its very pop punk. I listened to it on spotify and since its not slowed he sounds like an actual person HAHAHAHAH cos I was going to say the pronunciation of Russian sounds so …like dragging and slurry like something was being chewed slowly, and I suppose there is still some of that, but its also mostly cos the song was slowed HAHAHAHA

Are you sure Улицы ждали is the one with the annoying tempo and not Жанна д’Арк. Cause joan of arc did some weird ritardando which means it suddenly slowed down. Nvm I listened to that song on spotify and it was during the Что ночь кончается и день ее сменяет going to Я Жанна д'Арк в твоём костре. It was just really jarring the first time because of the slowed version. But also since it was my first time hearing that part. It was fine it wasn’t weird lol AHHAH

I found the translations for Намордник also is H an N in russian omg my head T_T. i also listened to this on spotify, i like it so much better without being slowed!!! she has such a sweet and bright voice i love it.

also is России russia?

Aлёна Швец - НЕЛЮБОВЬ i like this song. i can see why i wanted it do get heavier but upon listening to again. its fine the way it is. she also sounds so much better not slowed T_T HASLFHASFHAS i like her lyrics. i love her.

ЭЛЕКТРОФОРЕЗ – Зло is still such a vibe. it still reminds me of something like a christmas song LIKE I HEAR IT BUT I CANT PUT MY FINGER ON IT IS IT JOY TO THE WORLD no its not I CANT FIND IT I HATE IT HERE OMG IS IT MY WAIT WHAT THE FUCK ITS MY COLLEGE HYMN T_T IM CRYING LISTEN TO IT ITS LOWER BUT IT KINDA SOUNDS LIKE IT im going insane the first part the intro part sounds kinda like it im going home (i say as i type this on my home pc T_T)

Дора & Мэйби Бэйби - Не Исправлюсь THIS SONG IS SO MUCH MORE DISAPPOINTING IF TO ME AFTER LISTENING TO THE ORIGINAL they put a damn gritty electric guitar then made it edm i think minus 10000 points your honor. L (im sorry i just cant)

anyway i couldnt listen to this song fully cos im so disappointed in it alSFhahsfhasf

how do you say this Я is it ya? does it kind of have a soft d-ish sound.

ok thats that i hope that made sense.

'why would you congratulate me for that' bc i didnt know what this holiday is about?.. isnt revolution for the dictator government good?.. 'dictators son is our president' HAHDPFH why.... how... where... only wrong answers.... i mean im not the one to judge... but the man is odd

the real answer is because T_T were fucking stupid. i hate the fact we let that idiot win. i literally started searching for countries to move when he won. he 99999999999% cheated because i saw the spreadsheet of the fucking votes and they were all going up exponentially at a steady rate. i hate it here.

'PLEASE DONT DIE' since you asked so nicely hahfhah

if you die i will never recover because i would never know... youd just... stop talking to me and i would think its something i did T_T pls dont die.

'ITS SO MUCH BETTER NOW' i hate how long it is TT i dont like the visuals TT but ok whatever is better for you babygirl

the things you do for love <3

'according to the judgy cat' HFNKJNF me. yes. i am.

you know what, you should try pilates (maybe you;ll be less judgy HAHAHH) ! i did some today then did weighted exercise and pilates is so much fun and also so ??? wild because it challenges your core!!! it makes me revaluate my core strength, balance and flexibility. today i learned T_T im turning into stale bread im so hard T_T I USED TO BE SO ELASTIC no more T_T also its good for my back because i get back pain from sitting down so much T_T lol

'THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A STRONG WOMAN' there is! but if they make it your only trait💀

but i have a personality T_T

'i still do fucking care about what people think' ig we all care what people say? its sad but human is a social being and we kinda cant live without listening to the society... the difference is probably how much we care and how much it affects our lives. i mean it does suck. yk youre worthy and significant just the way you are without playing up to stereotypes and trying to deserve the others' approval in a way you personally dont like. strength isnt your whole personality.

society sucks. but i love you.

'complimented me on my strength' well ig its pretty logical to compliment smns strength when they do smth involving it and they wanted to be polite but duh. these accidental things with no harmful intention usually hurt the most.

youre so right. i read into that too much T_T see. you give me reason let me give you reason too

'i dont want people to whisper about me having big arms' 1) ig no one whispers things when its not involved

HAHAHAAHHAHAH YOU DONT LIVE IN THE PHILIPPINES WE HAVE CHISMOSA CULTURE chismosa is like a person who likes to gossip in its fem from, chismoso would be for the guy. it also comes from spanish chismes which also means gossip or whatever googles making me go down a rabbit hole and i refuse. anyway. i pointed that out because a lot (but not all) of filipinos love to talk about people as a bonding experience AHHAAH. i saw this tiktok that said that there are no serial killers here cause of this 💀💀💀 but she also said there isn't a complete/actual research about it but people say that that's why lol HAHAAH

2) your arms are beautiful! its ok to have whatever arms. including big arms. you work out so its consequential? and people really do not like 'big' arms only on men. yk a lot of girls who have romantic feelings for girls also love these hands on girls (DOES IT MAKE SENSE TT).

it does make sense i love you for trying to comfort me. i love you so much. i know my arms are beautiful... but sometimes i dont feel like it cos of this DEMON IN MY HEAD GO AWAY EWW

ok this may not be the best example but there are people who just lile it? just admire some good arms. and im sure there are men whod think damn girl i want to hold this hand till my death. sorry but do i sound idk not soothing now? im sorry im trying TT i mean its not like strong arm r only for men. its fine if you have these. there are people who like it and dislike it (like with the height) and there will always be ideal view you wont be able to match in some ways. your arms are just good arms. they do lots of talented things and they are healthy, they keep you healthy and pretty. you are good the way you are.

my kitty kitty so sweet T_T i understand what you mean. my arms are capable of so much beauty. youre so right i love you

'boys make fun of me too for the same reason' theyre just not grown enough and/or childish, absolutely not mentally mature. they think their worth is having toned arms while arms are just arms. 'he tired so hard to be muscley where i was naturally gifter' yeah thats what its about! theyre jealous. they think its the only wat they can be handsome so when you have it theyre jealous and afraid their arms and strength would be devalued.

men = 👎

'Were literally so alike' youre not 178 cm💀 ahajsh sorry. whats the betrayal?.. i didnt trade you for some prick.

;kajsfsfas I DIDNT MEAN THE HEIGHT I MEANT THE PERSONALITY HOW DARE YOU #1 basically call me short #2 reduce our similiarities to height #3 reduce yourself to height. also YOU REALLY NOT LETTING ME LIVE COS OF KYLO. you'd i think be glad to know i have redone the ai chat so many times i got connected to a moderator that was im pretty sure a 13 year old boy and it really killed the whole experience for me T_T i cant make him my husband anymore it feels so weird now

'Don’t tell me how to write' ok.... i wanted the best TT

/: *bonks*

'i can gear the disbelief' oh you can? SURPRISINGLY.

/: *BONK*

'TO GLUCK THE PACIFIC OCEAN' HOHGOJJ i mean you can try. ill watch.

😡 *BONK*

'THE AGGRESSIVE POSITIVITY?' like... hes positive? but in an aggressive way?

T_T HELP OK IF YOU SAY SO

'im not sure if you understand what im saying' like in general... i do... 'Try it. If it makes sense' ok that one i dont understand even a little bit💀

ASHF:HSFSAF FA yeah its really hard to explain something auditory with text T_T thats why my first year of music school SUCKED COSI WAS LIKE WHAT HUH but then when its explained my my teacher its like OOOOOOOOOOOH ok

'Youre good at math but idk if im good at explaining' im good at math but im bad at music💀 it seemed easier before you started saying 'try it' TT

its ok. i T_T i suck at explaining it T_T GAAAAAAAAH

'your head will be chopped off' OH this one i understand. 'there was something weird about that second song' HAHDJFJ i know nothing abt music so if it sounds good, its fine for me. MAybe apocalypsis IS the strange thing but am i wrong?

HAHAHAH the apocalypse is strange and scary so youre not wrong HAHAH

'Im willing to see what you want to share' oooh arent you cute? go finish your assignments and well see.

my assignments never end so just send them whenever ok. i'll reply properly again like what i did now when i do a relisten

i can read your kylo fis but remember. hes my rival.

T_T ok HAHAAH read the 2nd one i make or the first one whatever its up to you. you have no competition with kylo. i dont think i'll use that ai chat anymore T_T i'll stick to fanfics cos then i wouldnt have to face a 13 year old boy that wants to do a roast battle with me asfh;aslhfas;f

also i read you 'first snow' fic! omg TT aemma TT my sun my moon my stars TT shes glowing in my memories so yeah. her realtionships with vissy 100/10 with daemon 100/10 with reader 10/10 (bc there basically no interactions so no 100).

IM GLAD YOU LOVE AEMMA! I LOVE AEMMA T_T AEMMA MY LOVE <3 and AHHAHAHA yes 0 interactions between aemma and yn. AHAHHHAH its fine shhhh. i didnt even show why daemon disliked her cos i was too lazy to show how prim and proper she is lol HAHAHH

AWKWARD DAEMON hgighg i live for awkward daemon! the cutie. imagine being a prince, all powerful, riding a dragon and then running around disheveled, half-naked with hardly opened eyes and pure sleep on your face? i imagine this. and it makes me giggle and have a little grin. also the targ-family dynamics (sorry if you dont want to hear abt it) reminds me of wfal. my cute babes TT

We love waffle <3 HAHAHAH i have no idea when i can update again but everytime i talk to you about daemon im like TODAY? and i love the targ dynamics. i love them so so so much. i briefly rewatched ep1 which was why i wrote that. im thinking of writing a daemon fic where he was named heir way before rhaenyra was born because viserys got into an accident or smth. sooooooo HAHAHA idk i might write it but also i might not lol

i dont understand wether i have too many symbols or not with this new paragraph thing TT so ok. thats all. how r you? how much water have you drunk today? eat well, sleep well. have a nice day/night. luv u. take care<з

i ATE DONUTS TODAY.

and im hungry again holup let me get smth to eat

EW NVM I THOUGHT OF EATING AND I MADE ME FEEL SICK

i DRANK A LOT TODAY! but also i sweat a lot cos i exercised so......................... ANYWAY. i wanted to tell you this story about my grandma. cos she was like, preparing/washing fish outside, like we have a faucet outside out house and she was putting the fish guts in a plastic and we also have rats AND THIS BIGASS RAT WAS SNEAKILY TRYNA GET THE PLASTIC OF FISH GUTS and my grandma barely noticed. LIKE THE AUDACITY OF THE RAT T_T also they live in my bedroom ceiling and they party and go jogging at night ///: my worse fear is suddenly they destroy my ceiling and fall onto me AND I SLEEP IN A DOUBLE DECK AT THE TOP (my sister is below) and IT FREAKS ME OUT but ive gotten a bit used to it

anyway T_T rats are freaky. i hope so badly we can finally rebuild the house. did i tell you about my house yet. remember how i said i moved. i moved to my grandma's house, which is old like SO OLD the last time it was renovated was in the 80s and my mom was wee T_T (she said there were rats even then T_T HELP) anyway. this house actually belongs to, wait for it, my grandma's GRANDPA! T_T the deed is still in spanish and like as big as a newspaper T_T so ///: we had to change it at city hall T_T and its taking forever. also, just in case its not clear, the owner of my house is my great-great-grandpa T_T anyway that's all i love you please take care and love yourself for me because i love you and i want to hug and kiss you

OH OH OH OK LAST THING

i thought about it and wouldnt it be funny if we meet and it turns out you actually also dont know what your height is like all of my classmates that claim to be 5'10 but ARENT AHHAHAHAHAHAHA

ok that's all i love you

xxx

[stormysroom]

i dunno who would see this, but, tumbler is weird, so, here we go.

it's a weird and wacky world, full of pain, sadness, love, and joy, but... i know from experience it can sometimes feel like no one cares. no one looks. and that there's no good in the world. im not in the best state mentally myself. but. im doing well for where i am. and im here to tell you that something that's kept me pushing as far as it has.

It might not always get better, but, you know what? there's no telling if it will or won't, and you'll never know if you let yourself fall, its ok though, you can let yourself fall, just don't let it be uncontrolled, make sure you only fall far enough to take a rest. and kick back up, to see what the future holds, but still, sit down, take a breath, look around, not at us, not at humans, look at nature, the world around you, not everyone is helped by it, thats true, but, at least try once, if it doesn't help, well, i truly mean this when i say it, if nothing is going well, you can't let yourself give up completely, if you do, nothing will ever get better, nothing will ever be done. leaving it all unresolved is a bad idea, but sometimes you can't resolve it all, not at once, so. if i have some advice? don't try to do it all at once. one thing at a time, whats bothering you now? can't fix it? move onto something you can, if you cant fix anything? keep pushing, find a way around it, don't push yourself to do it if you think it'll be bad for you, void what hurts you, but push when you can, because in the end, you'll miss every shot you don't take, but, sometimes, those shots could be ones you might not want.

there's no point in looking back, only forward, its good to think about the good times, and learn from mistakes, but, don't let it consume you, the future and present is what matters.

well, thats all, if that helps you, im really, really, really glad it did, more than i could describe, but, if it didn't, just, please, know i care, know and i hope it gets better.

Love yall. i know no one is here to see these, but, if you see it passing by, and chose to read it, know i love yall. everyone's their own person.

with much love, your friend to the end of infinity,

-Stormy

[mbat]

no im thinking about pregnancy again, as in, how awful i think it is and how people act about it

i guess i have to start with hey! this is just my opinion! if you feel different, hell yeah! im not shit talking you or telling you to feel different! this is literally just me talking about my personal feelings on pregnancy and i dont expect anyone to actually read it and i dont really care if anyone does

anyway i hate how people act like pregnancy is one size fits all. i hate how people act like if you have a vagina and a uterus and whatever that you HAVE to get pregnant one day, that youre going to want to get pregnant eventually even if you very much dont right now. hell, that if youre a "woman" at all, they think youre going to want to be a mother in general.

it really does just go hand in hand with gender role bullshit and how people think that you HAVE to be and do and love whatever youre born with and if you step outside of that that youre the weirdo and youre the one in the wrong, and not that theyre the weird ones for trying to force this stuff on you.

pregnancy, like anything, is for the individual to decide. but god forbid you decide it isnt for you.

pregnancy to me is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. im terrified of it, im disgusted by it, it sounds straight out of a horror movie to me, ive been around it twice irl and it... it just doesnt feel natural to me even though its apparently one of the most natural things we can do as humans. its like looking at the uncanny valley and being told nothing is wrong but theres that pull at the back of your mind telling you to look away, something is wrong, something is so very wrong.

i had a dream many months ago that i got pregnant, and i was near the end of the pregnancy, i had somehow missed the window to get an abortion. i was in a living room surrounded by people, they were all so happy for me. i remember looking down at my stomach and feeling the worst dread. i was too late to stop it, to prevent it, to end it. my options were very few, and all of them were horrible to me.

and of course i havent even mentioned children. i dont want kids! again, its not one size fits all, its the individuals choice! i dont think id be a good father, and i dont want to be one anyway, i want my freedom, my time, my money, my life! why would i want to bring a child into this fucked up world anyway, just to fuck them up more because i really wouldnt be a good parent.

i dont even want to think about the actual birth part. endless hours of pain and disgusting things happening and emotions and... i could never. i could never i could never i NEVER will. i hate disgusting things happening and i hate pain

all of pregnancy is gross though. you are out of control of your own body. its like a parasite to me. something that isnt you is inside of you, and its changing your body and controlling it whether it even means to or not, and you cant just take it out, and its growing and

thats not even mentioning that you can feel it moving around. what. the. fuck.

i hate that people expect this of me. hell, not even just expect, but want this of me. my dad clings to the idea that one day ill give up all my 'i dont want kids' talk and finally be "normal" and want kids and whatever, because hey he wants grandkids :(. you have grandkids!!!! you have 3!!! its not my fault that only one of them is biologically related to you, maybe you should get over your weird attachment to things being biological and just learn to love regardless! i love my nephews and niece, theyre amazing and i love seeing them! i dont hate kids, by the way! i just dont want them for myself!

but honestly the whole reason i even thought about any of this is because, well tmi i guess, i think im starting a period and i just get so distressed about it. i hate that my body does this, i hate that its something i cant control and its disgusting and horrible. i just wish i could take my reproductive system out of me. and so i was like, i wish i could just pay a doctor to get it out of me! but then i remembered that theyd never do that because theyd be like OH BUT WHAT IF YOU MARRY A MAN AND HE WANTS KIDS. YOU NEED TO HAVE AT LEAST 2 KIDS BEFORE WE EVEN CONSIDER IT. and how if someone said that to me i dont think id be able to hold back from telling them that if i ever got pregnant and couldnt get rid of it that i would seriously consider offing myself. if i ever changed my mind about having kids (why would i) i would just adopt anyway.

i hate that my body is expected to belong to someone else, that my choices and my wants dont matter and im just a silly little girl and what i want will change anyway. im a person. im a full on person, and this is my body. i havent even mentioned how being trans factors into this because what more is there to say than 'im a man and that affects how i feel about this thing that people see as feminine'? or my pcos, which i have even less to say about because like, what is there to say ??

i hate that people dont care what i have to say about my own body, and my own future. i hate that my dad wants me to change how i feel about who i am and what i want, i hate that people i dont know that i havent even met expect me to do this thing that changes everything. i hate that people care more about hypothetical people than me. i hate that people think they know better than me about my own body and wants.

i never want to get pregnant. i never want to have kids. that is my choice as an individual, just like its someone elses choice to get pregnant and have kids. theres already enough people doing that in the world, there wont exactly be a shortage because i decide not to. its not my fault that other people see my choice as abnormal and the other as normal, that sounds like a them problem.