#the idea of someone anyone that shit to him is so funny peak comedy to me

[asterdeer]

lae'zel: i want to BLEEP your BLEEP and BLEEP your BLEEP with my BLEEPING BLEEP

loreleaf, gay and demisexual and horrified, just got done homoerotically describing not one but two men as though he were their mirror, also pining after a third man: uh oh i think the tadpole's turning me, better go kill myself now

[you-can-be-what-you-want-to-be]

My personal hc I’ve mentioned before for John and Arthur (mostly for comedy) is

Arthur: aro

John: has no idea wtf romantic love is but he’s feeling it for Arthur HARD and doesn’t have anyone with experience in it to explain it to him

Good bc 1) fuck your “love is what makes you human” the human guy has none the demon does.

2) aro people good

3) the idea of someone being in love that’s literally never heard of love before is peak shit

4) the guy possessing you is in love with you that’s so funny. You literally could not be closer.

[incarnateirony]

Misha's tweet was him stating a fact anon. He took a photo at Jensen's. How would you even categorize that as a conspiracy? You're acting as if Occam is trying to convince you that JM used that apartment as a sex dungeon or something. "Conspiracy" 🥴, how is this so hard to swallow, I don't get it

lmaooooo it's really funny bc the people all pressed in my inbox rn are the people who literally believe a company spent hundreds of millions of dollars building secret tunnels to hide a gay relationship, investing in it so hard to force fake marriages (beards) and even fake gay relationships (meards--not sure what this would accomplish if the point is hiding the gay), and that even the brewery (beardery) is part of a grand cover up,

but apparently it's a conspiracy to be like "Yeah, we knew about this for years, there was a bunch of skeevy docs people hunted down that got deleted and some costars accidentally verified it atop all the images people got, they just didn't want fans to know so lunatics like the ones having meltdowns in my ask box wouldn't show up to stab misha like they have literally threatened to do in the past, once even recorded the threat on video, so like--nobody had to know" in regards to misha publicly talking about exactly-that is somehow a conspiracy.

Gasp. They didn't put it over loudspeakers for millions of people to hear knowing it would paint a literal target on the apartment, which had already been located from being unfortunately very close to a major venue to begin with. During a peak travel time. So everybody that heard just packed it under and passed the less skeevy parts around what can only be called ITK GCs--we all know fandom has bunches of these, and it almost becomes a telephone chain. There's parts of the fandom I'm sure that are so far down the telephone they thought it was a rumor, instead of the people that were standing at dead center of the impact when it went off to begin with.

Because also cockles fandom know not to do that shit on public forums -- but now Misha "confirmed" it to many who suspected, and opened the ability for others that knew to breathe about it. Meaning it's become public topic like many other things cockles have pitched into the wind. J2 hats are stomping around anons, demanding the receipts while we raise our brow at them like, seriously? First of all these came out like 3 years ago, second most people with ethics deleted half of what was heard, and even carefully opened up parts of the conversation to public while playing at aura of implausibility the same way the two did on stage, whenever Misha would drop things like "While I was staying with Jensen--or--whatever--hahaha oh look a chicken (distraction comedy bit)" we all sort of clenched but that was ephemeral compared to that fairly final and thought out tweet.

Why now? Because respectively it's not that big a secret, especially now that potential danger or privacy invasion is passed with the situation itself expired and nobody at the apartment anymore, why not mention it, like, he even knows we know.

No, that's not parasocializing. Like, I literally went and early on let someone know. This is someone I had also worked with while playing protect misha during blacklisttaw after we busted TAW being the one in his DMs. Yeah. Anyway, I can promise you, he was told very early that fandom knew, I'm not like. [gestures over and towards] vaguely assuming that. This person of course stayed professionally neutral about it, but basically nodded and went off to inform.

So if he's talking about it, like, he literally knows we knew and like who cares anymore since they're totally moved out, Jensen's virally shoveling snow in Colorado when he isn't in Toronto and Misha's living the high life on the road with what, at a glance, looks like the start of that traveling foodie talkshow he talked about coming out.

The only people this news actually impacts is... fandom. It's not a fart in the wind to them anymore but it wasn't a secret from the world. Just from the fandom. There's a difference.

I don't care about anyone's speculation on whether it's a relationship or not. In the very least, they were very good friends that roommates. (insert meme). But this idea alone is what's truly unbearable to the J2 tinhats, who built a universe contingent on the base function that they thought J2 hated Misha. Like end of story.

[telaraneas]

I’m sending you an analysis ask!! My ask is… Dave! What I always wonder about dave is how he became such a fan favorite among the young fanbase all those years ago. I feel like my original reading of Dave has been heavily influenced by the fandom activity surrounding him at the time (he was the 2012 hs fandom’s #1 sadboy). As a relative latecomer to the fandom, what were your reactions to Dave? And how do you feel today’s fans view him?

OH BOY DAVE!!!

yeah i remember he was a big fan favorite, because this was one of the things you knew if you just EXISTED in tumblr around 2012, even if you knew nothing about homestuck you jsut saw a billion fanarts of that one kid with the sunglasses. but really, "relatively latecomer" relative nothing, i am a brand new baby fan latest of latecomers and i will happily give you my Dave Experience

i can't speak for how other modern fans view him, but for me personally, honestly i have to say i think i really didn't Get Him until late act6; which isn't to say he wasn't an interesting character before then, but that almost everything interesting about him went over my head on the first read.

i think my issue was partly that i was taking his facade mostly at face value and that i didn't really get WHERE his angst was coming from in the ocassions it popped up. like.. it's not that i bought into the idea that he's this cool ironic guy who doesnt afraid of anything, but i guess mostly his typing style and sense of humor were a bit too true-to-life for what the kind of person who thinks "ironic enjoyment of shitty things, too cool to actually care about anything, troll the shit out of anyone who engages with you honestly" is peak comedy actually speaks like, which made him kind of an unpleasant presence to me at the beginning; knowing he was definitely using that irony to cover up something didn't really help, because that's just universally true of basically everyone who's Like That, and that doesnt make them any less insufferable

the thing about dave strider is that he actually keeps up the disaffected cool kid act for a looooong time, and with so much going on and so many characters and stories to think about, i never spared him as much thought as i could have... until act6 happened, and dave was revealed to be a massive dork, and that SERIOUSLY changed my understanding of him as a character. like it's really hilarious how much his early arc persona totally falls apart when you take away the comfort of text-based communication. the addition of body language and the loss of the fractions of a second to formulate answers REALLY change his dialogue and how he reads as a character in ways that are subtle but were kind of shocking to me when i was reading it

like, for example i never had the patience for his long random tangents in chatlogs because i got the feeling he was doing them because he was just that sure that whatever he was on was THAT witty and funny, or alternatively, NOT that witty or funny, which is why he went on those tangents to be ~ironic~ or whatever, and tbh i have adhd and not enough patience to sit and read his diatribes

eeexcept, late comic dave recontextualizes the HELL out of this by revealing that no, HE KINDA REALLY DOES JUST GO ON TANGENTS FOR NO REASON 100% GENUINELY AND ITS NOT A CALCULATED PSEUDO-IRONIC THING AT ALL which makes his lenghty rambling read VERY differently

that sort of stuff. like, i was fully prepared for the irony to be a cover for someone who does genuinely care about things- but i was NOT prepared for the CONCEPT OF IRONY ITSELF to be basically the only thing about his demeanor that wasn't mostly genuine, whether dave himself realized it or not. dave has been a riot on rereads, hes like a totally different character with hindsight

on the topic of Dave Angst in specific, i have to admit- the whole thing is actually VERY subdued before late act6 unless you're actually looking for it and paying attention to dave as a character; and while i imagine this was a given for many readers at the time, who already liked him as a character and were reading and thinking about each update as it came out, to me as someone blitzing through the comic at a stage where things were starting to get complex, i COMPLETELY missed major moments that inform his problems, philosophy, worldview, fears, and general arc

because of this, a lot of the major moments where dave is actually OBVIOUSLY distressed or upset, left me mostly asking "hold on, what??? where did this come from, what is this about?????". to be fair, even back then i was pretty sure that there WAS something there that must have been set up earlier and i just missed it, but it was still kind of a confusing read. some specific examples: dave getting upset at terezi after the coinflip godtier timeline splitting debacle, his whole disjointed speech about the reluctant hero thing in the first meenah walkaround, his entire conversation with grimbark jade where he just states he's not time traveling again. those moments totally blindsided me on my first read

another moment that completely blindsided me, but which i actually Got on the first read regardless, was the long-awaited striderchat. i did not AT ALL expect the direction that went, but it did a fantastic job at recontextualizing what i had initially just accepted without question as a comically exaggerated videogamey home situation (not that much of a stretch when the final member of the party was raised by a dog in the middle of nowhere), into a traumatic enviroment that informs a lot of WHY dave is the way he is and why he used to think and approach the world the way that he did

other than that, theres a lot of Dave Angst i am still only just untangling on the reread because his anxieties sometimes stem from really esoteric ideas that i couldn't wrap my head around when i was busy trying to keep track of the billion plot threads of act5 which i was reading as fast as possible lol. but like, just earlier today i had the realization that dave's fear of death manifests MUCH more strongly in fear over being responsible over alt versions of him dying, than it does when his actual life is being directly threathened. dave would be susceptible to dumb thought experiments along the line of pascal's mugging, is what i'm saying, much more so than he would be to getting actually mugged.

tldr dave is an interesting character and i like him very much now, but boy did i not Get Him until recently

[mirkwoodshewolf]

Legend of the band; AU Ghost! Queen x teen reader

*Author’s note*

Hey guys well this is a story that's been going through my head for a few days. I was originally gonna save this before Halloween but I figure I just go ahead and post this now in case I lost it amongst all my other writings in the near future. So background on this story it takes place in present day and the band members of Queen are ghosts.  Now I want to also put this out, I've inspired the ghosts designs from Guillermo Del Toro's film Crimson Peak. So just type in how the ghosts look and you'll see just why I've made the boys ghosts different colors.

Warnings: Swearing, death, slight attempted of assault (ALWAYS ASK PERMISSION BEFORE YOU TRY TO KISS SOMEONE), some horror elements?, fluff and angst.

*EDIT 7-27-20* NEW PARTS DOWN BELOW!!!

Part 2

Part 3

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things​

@waddles03​

@psychosupernatural​

@ixchel-9275​

@simonedk​

@platawnic​

@geek-and-proud​

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels​

@queendeakyy​

@queensdivas​

@kairosfreddie​

@eileen-crys​

_________________________________________________________

It started off as a dare-pact that my friends wanted to do.  Every year around Halloween we try to do some sort of Halloween dare together whether it was going to a graveyard, using a Ouija board, or crashing a Halloween party in one of the upper class neighborhoods dressed as monsters and scare the shit out of them.

It was either one person or we would do it as the entire group and this year we decided to do our next Halloween dare as a group.  The ringleader of the group Aaron gathered us up in our private clubhouse (his basement) and we were all gathered around to discuss just what we were going to do.

“Right, I call this meeting of the Halloween dare to order.” Aaron proclaimed.

“So what’s the plan for this year?” asked Brandon.

“How bout we go downtown and scare the little kids at the daycare during their Halloween party?” suggested Jake.

“No that’s just cruel even for us.” Said Amy.

“I agree.” I added. “Besides you just want to do that cause you’re little brother’s gonna be there, right?”

“So what? The little asshole got me into trouble last week. He deserves some payback.” Jake hissed.

“Alright Jake settle down. Okay so we had Amy and Susan do the Ouija board last year.”

“Which I still don’t forgive you guys. I swear I think my house is still haunted.” Susan said.

“Oh I’ve got it!” Proclaimed Brandon.

“Lay it on us Bran.” Aaron said.

“Three words for you guys. Rockfield. Farm. studios.” At that point everyone went silent.

“ARE YOU INSANE!?!?” exclaimed Amy.

“Yeah Brandon do you want to commit suicide or something!? Do you hate life!?” Jake snapped.

“Brandon, why in the fuck would you suggest that?” I asked.

“Oh come on! We’ve done practically the same stupid shit every time. Yeah sure the Ouija board could do some serious things but never have we actually tried to go to a real haunted house. So why not Rockfield farm?”

“Wait, I don’t get it. What’s Rockfield farm?” Susan asked.  Susan was the recent member to join the horror crew when she moved here from Michigan. Almost no one wanted to speak that was until I finally told her the legend.

“Rockfield farm was used as a recording studio a long time ago. Like back in the 70’s. Anyway there was this up and coming band called Queen. You know the ones who made the song Killer Queen?”

“Oh yeah my mom still has her vinyl record of that album.” Susan said.

“Well anyway, in the summer of 1975 they went to record their next record. Legend says it would’ve been their greatest album yet. It could’ve really made them even more famous than they were. But—an accident occurred at that farm.”

“What happened?” she asked.

“Well that’s where the story gets a little iffy. There have been several theories throughout time on what happened.” I explained.

“One theory is that an electrical fire happened while the band was in the studio, and they couldn’t escape in time and ended up being burned alive.” Jake said.

“Another theory is that someone broke into the property and slaughtered the band mates in their sleep.” Amy said.

“A slightly different version to that theory is that it was actually the band’s assistant that killed them in cold blood. Apparently he was in love with the front man. And in rejection he slaughtered the whole band before killing himself.”

“Whichever story you choose to believe in, it is said that the ghosts of the band members still haunt the property to this day. And anyone who has entered inside, is never seen again.” Aaron finished.

“Which is why not even I will go there.” Jake emphasized.

“Oh what’s wrong Jake? Don’t got the balls to make a drive up there and spend the night in the haunted farm?” teased Brandon.

“Shut up arsehole! At least I have balls.” Brandon was just about to pounce on Jake when Amy stopped the two of them by pushing Brandon back onto the floor and I said.

“Look, I thought it was foolish enough to go to the graveyard at night. But this—this is foolishness. No way am I gonna be possessed by a ghost or anything like that.”

“You know what you guys are all chicken!” Brandon exclaimed. “We’ve done almost every single Halloween dare known to man and you lot are scared to go to a little haunted house in the country and spend the night there.”

“He’s right.” Aaron finally spoke up.

“I’m sorry what?” Amy snapped.

“He’s right. We’ve been pulling out the same stuff every year but with different people. There’s no real haunted places here in the city but Rockfield is the closest thing we can get to.”

“Thank you!” Brandon exclaimed.

“Aaron, I swear to god if you make me go to that place we are finished! Do you hear me finished!” Amy snapped as she walked right up towards her boyfriend of 3 years.

“Sorry babe, I’ve made my mind up. We’ll leave in 2 days. Meeting adjourned.” Oh god what has Brandon done?

Later that night I was staring up at the full moon from my window when my nana came in.

“I thought I had told you to go to bed sweetheart. You’ve got school in the morning.”

“Couldn’t sleep nana.” I said solemnly.

“Alright, what’s wrong?” she said as she came up and sat down next to me.

“Just something my friends want me to do.”

“Those troublemakers that always make you trespass on private property? Or crash a party? Honestly (y/n) I don’t know why you hang out with kids like that.”

“They’re my friends nana. They always got my back when I need them.” She sighed and surrendered.

“Alright, alright. But what’s gotten you so rattled up?” now I couldn’t really tell her just what was going on.  She’d never let me go on a road trip to Rockfield farm so I had to think of something.

“They—they suggested going on a trip and…..I don’t like to leave you alone.” She smiled at me and tucked a strand of hair.

“Oh poppet. I maybe old but I’m not frail. How long are you planning on leaving?”

“It’s just for Halloween. We’ll be back the next day.”

“Okay then. Now even though I don’t approve of your friends behavior, I can’t stop you from going out Halloween night. Just promise you’ll stay out of trouble.”

“I will.” That’s a promise that not even I know how to keep. “And you’re sure you’ll be fine?”

“Yes, yes. And don’t worry, your father won’t hear a thing from me.”

“Really?”

“I’m his mother. I don’t have to tell him anything.” She winked at me. “Now go to sleep.” She lectured me before giving me a kiss goodnight and we both told each other I love you.

Two days later it was time.  Right after school, we all piled in Brandon’s RV and we drove the long drive to the country side to Rockfield studios.  Just as the sun was about to set, we finally arrived at the farm.

God it looks even more desolated and frightening than the pictures.  The entire housing was swamped with vines, weeds, and any other ounce that Mother Nature could throw at it.  The bricks at certain spots were chipped away or even rotting away (how that’s possible I don’t know).

We slowly walked up towards the main house and we just stood before it fearfully.

“Whose gonna go in first?” Amy asked.

“I vote our raining president of this idea Brandon.” Jake said.

“I second that.” Amy replied.

“Ditto.” Said Susan.

“Fine I’ll go in first.” Brandon said as he walked up the steps of the deck before standing before the front door.  He just stood there, still as a statue before Jake cried out.

“Well go on smartass and go in already!”

“I’m going I’m going!” Brandon snapped back.  He took the door handle and slowly opened the door which made an eerie creaking sound. He took one small step into the house before he was suddenly pulled in.

“BRANDON!” we all cried out.  Soon we all piled into the house and it was so dark you could barely make out what was in front of you.  The door suddenly slammed loudly behind us which made a few of us jump.

“Come on Brandon, this isn’t funny!” Jake called out.

“Brandon?” Aaron spoke up.

“Brandon seriously if this is a joke it’s not AHHH!!!” Amy spoke before suddenly screaming as something grabbed her.  We all soon began screaming before a laugh rang out.  Coming out from underneath a white sheet was Brandon.

“You guys should’ve seen your faces!” he laughed.

“You sick fuck who does that!?” Amy said as she began to punch him as hard as she could.

“That wasn’t funny Brandon.” I scowled.

“It was pretty funny!”

“Guys I think I found the light’s switch.” Susan said as she then flipped a switch on and soon the lights came on.

“Okay so we’re here now. Why not have a look around?” Brandon suggested.

“Man do you not know your horror film goofs!? If we split up, the ghosts will hunt us down one. By. one. Starting with the good looking comedy relief guy, me!” Jake proclaimed.

“Get a grip Jake! We’ll split up into pairs. Amy and I will go together and take the barn. (Y/n) you and Susan…..”

“Oh hell no. I can’t even stand to be near Brandon right now!”

“Oh what you a wittle scaredy cat Jakey-wakey?” Brandon teased.

“SHUT UP!!!”

“Alright! Jake you and (Y/n) go take the living room, and Susan you and Brandon can take the upstairs.” Aaron said breaking up the fight with the boys.  I rolled my eyes cause I knew Jake was gonna try to flirt around with me (he’s been doing that since the start of secondary school).

“I can dig with that.” Jake said as he came right up beside me.

“Do you seriously hate me Aaron?” I muttered before we finally split up.

Jake and I came to the living room and saw a small piano right there in the middle of the room, and jointed next to the living room was the kitchen.

“Pretty spooky huh? Just imagine if this piano started playing on its own. But no worries (Y/n), if you get scared you can hold onto me and I’ll protect you.”

“My hero.” I muttered sarcastically.  It was then something caught my eye.  I walked towards a table to see what looked like an old photo album.  I blew away the dust and wiped the cover to see the writing say.

PROGRESS ON LATEST ALBUM

“Whatcha got there?” Jake said as he came up to me and shined his phone flashlight down on the photo album.

“It’s an old photo album book.” Jake scoffed.

“Wow. The only person who has stuff like that are my parents. Man thank god we have technology nowadays. Otherwise no one would get to see my handsome face.” Why does this man even exist? Seriously I don’t see why all the girls on the cheer squad go for him?

“And what a shame that would’ve been.” I muttered as I opened the book up.

“I know right?!” I turned the next page and there were a few photos of Queen inside a recording studio of sorts and below it a caption that spelled,

AT HARD WORK WITH THE LADS. R.M.T.

“What does RMT stand for?”

“I don’t know. Could be some sort of acronym or something. Maybe initials for a name.”

“Well you’re an expert on all those old guys that existed back in the Medieval ages. What were the names of the band that died here?”

“It wasn’t the Medieval ages Jake. It was 40 years ago. And I don’t really know their names. I just know them as Queen.” I flipped to the next page to see a man with long black hair at the piano and the caption under that said.

FRED AT PIANO - Bri.

“Fred huh? He doesn’t look like a Fred to me. And who signs off with Bri?” I shook my head and continued to flip through the pages.  Each picture were of the band doing certain things while recording or just being around the farm, and each picture was signed with initials RMT, JD, FM, or BRI.  Finally the last picture was all four of them together.

“Check out the date.” I said.  In the picture it read 8-13-75. “This was taken the day when the band died.”

“Holy shit you’re right. They must’ve taken this picture just before whatever happened, happened.”

“They look so young.” I said solemnly.

“Yeah. But if they had lived they’d be like—our grandparents by now.” Suddenly I heard a voice.

No wait it was—singing.  I looked around trying to find out where the singing was coming from.  It was—beautiful. Hypnotic almost.  It was the most beautiful sound I ever heard.

“(/n). (Y/n)! Oi (Y/n)!” I was snapped out of it by Jake. “Jesus you looked like you were in a trance or something.”

“Was I? Sorry I….”

“No need to apologize. Hell if it was all about me, then maybe I’ll let it slid.” He said as he stroked up my arm.

“Jake! I’ve tried to let you down easy but please for the last time. I don’t like you that way! So stop with the flirting!”

“Oh c’mon (Y/n). What is there about me that you don’t like?” Gee where do I begin? “C’mon just give me a chance.” He walked closer to me but I tried to push him away.

“No Jake stop! Back off!” suddenly the fireplace just a few feet away from us ignited.  The flames reached as high as they could and call my crazy but I thought I could see someone’s face in the fire.  Jake jumped away from me and that’s when we heard the piano being played.

Play video

It was a random play on the keys at a very fast pace on the upper keys while also hitting a couple of the lower keys every now and then.  

“What the f—” the piano then hit a single key for a couple of beats before finally changing tune to that of a marching tune.  Like someone was coming towards you and you could just hear the beat of their footsteps.

Getting freaked out by the piano, Jake ran screaming out of the living room while I was just frozen in place.  The fireplace suddenly turned off but there was still some sort of light.  I slowly turned around and saw a yellow light ball shining right there.  But it wasn’t just some random ball or something.

This was some sort of spiritual ball because I could see smoke slowly dancing around it as it floated before me.  I wanted to run but I was either too scared or stunned by what just happened.  It was then I heard the singing come back, and it was coming from this spiritual matter in front of me.

And I don’t know how or why but—it made me feel safe.  Listening to the singing that came from this ball, it was like being wrapped up tightly in a warm hug.  Or sleeping in your own bed, like the weight of the world has been dropped from you.

I soon found myself walking towards the yellow spirit ball.  It moved backwards as I walked towards it.  It floated towards the fireplace and I wouldn’t have known if I weren’t in my trance-like state once again, but the fireplace opened up to reveal a long corridor.

*3rd Person POV*

As Jake ran on ahead he soon tackled into someone and that someone ended up being Amy.

“What the hell Jake!? Get off me you perv!”

“Guys! Guys! Guys! P-p-p-p-pi….pi-gh…..(y/n)…..”

“Stop your blabbering and tell us what happened!?” Aaron said as he forced Jake off his girlfriend and helped her up.

“Piano……playing itself. Fireplace……flames go up.”

“What’s he blabbering about?” Brandon’s voice soon spoke up as he and Susan came around the hallway.

“Where’s (Y/n)?” Susan asked worriedly.  They all looked at Jake who still had a look of fright on his face.  They quickly raced towards the living room and they all gasped to see (Y/n) just about to turn right of the long corridor that stood them.

“What the hell!”

“Why did you leave her you dumbass!?”

“(Y/n)!” her friends tried to run after her but the fireplace soon closed back up and the flames were once again fully ignited.  Soon coming out of the flames was a pure white figure.

His hair was all curly and long like a poodle.  He wore a few necklaces 2-3 which were wrapped around his neck while the other one draped over his bare chest due to his shirt having a few of the buttons undone. But what had the kids most horrified was that this man was transparent.

Gentle wisps of smoke flowed from his hair, fingers, and even the cut along his cheek which seeped out small amounts of ghost blood.  His eyes which were a pure dark grey stared right at the young teenagers and he let out a haunting whisper.

“She belongs……to us!” at that phrase the teens all screamed and ran off.  The girls ran towards the backway while the boys ran up the stairs.  The girls raced out towards the barn and hid underneath a hay cart.

“Was that a……” Susan started off.

“No! It couldn’t have been! It’s impossible!” Amy exclaimed in denial.

“Oh it’s entirely possible.” A male voice soon spoke up.  They slowly turned their heads and saw another ghost.

Unlike the one they saw earlier, this one was a blue spirit with haunting ocean like eyes.  His hair was long and flowing and he wore a smug grin on his face.  Susan and Amy were in gawk at this ghost. “Now, now ladies I know I’m a looker but there’s no need to stare.”

They then screamed as they tried to get out but just before they could leave the barn, the doors suddenly shut.

“Leaving so soon? Oh that’s not fair. Not before I’ve had the chance to know your names. God it’s been so long since female company have come to this farm.” Susan and Amy were terrified at the point.  They tried to get the doors open but it was all in vain.  

Suddenly they felt themselves being levitated up in the air and the ghost appeared before them and said in a low, haunting tone.

“And the three of us are gonna have such fun together.” Only the piercing, terrified screams of the girls echoed through the barn.

Back in the house, Brandon, Jake and Aaron all headed for the basement in one of the tightest rooms the house had.  They all panted heavily and Aaron said.

“Did—you guys see what I saw?”

“You mean that curly haired ghost that just said (Y/n) belongs to them. No.” Brandon said.

“Same.” Jake said. The room suddenly got colder than it was, so cold in fact that the boys could now see their breath.  It was then Jake suddenly felt something pick him up by his throat.  He squirmed in the grip of the invisible force.

“Jake!” Aaron called out but then suddenly he and Brandon were pushed up against the wall and they couldn’t move.  No matter how much they squirmed, they couldn’t budge an inch.  Suddenly Jake was thrown down onto the small rickety bed and that’s when he appeared.

A fully black ghost with long hair.  He looked younger than the last ghost they saw but there was something about him that felt—angry.  The young black ghost turned to Jake and his voice which was a soft, honey like tone say.

“If I remember, No always means No. No matter who it is.” He slowly crawled on top of Jake pinning his arms down. “But since you can’t seem to understand what it feels like to be in such a vulnerable position, maybe I should show you.” by the end of his statement his voice suddenly got lower, darker.  Almost sinister.

Through Jake’s eyes he saw as this ghost’s face actually morphed into the Devil himself. Burned and scarred with pure red and black eyes.  Jake screamed in pure terror.

*My POV*

I kept following the light as well as the voice.  The beautiful, soulful, most angelic voice.  God it was—almost inhuman of how this voice could sing.  With such gentleness but also control it when he belted out a note or a phrase.

The light ball quickly faded away and had now become a record player with an album that stood right up against it.  I slowly reached out for it and it read.

QUEEN

A NIGHT AT THE OPERA.

As I held it in my hands there was a moment where I heard screaming.  Wait my friends? They were……

“Play the record darling.” The voice soothed me.  I felt a gentle caress under my chin.  I closed my eyes and took out the record and placed it on the record player. “Play it, play it. You know you want to.” The voice continued to coo.  I turned the record on, lifted the needle but just before I could place it at the top the voice whispered to me again, “Lower.”

I adjusted the needle as the voice continued to whisper lower again and again softly in my ear.

“There!” it suddenly hissed out which frightened me and forced me to let go of the needle and soon a quartet of voices soon began to sing with no instrument backup.

Play video

My god. This……this really was Queen.  I mean I’ve only really heard a few of their songs but this was definitely them.  The way their voices melded together in perfect harmony.  The piano soon came in and I sat down by the record player and just took in this song.

I literally felt like my soul was being sucked out as the vocals took me on a trip.  Then the bass picked up as the leading front man started singing the song, the very voice I’ve been hearing from the spirit force earlier.

As the song continued to play and went on a brief instrumental break, I looked at the record to see just what this song was called because I hadn’t heard a single word that stands out except Mama.  I then saw a finger point to the second to last song.  I looked up and shocked to see one of the band member’s ghost right there with me.

His entire ghost form was the same yellow color as the spirit ball from earlier, his wild hair went down to shoulders and he had an overbite but somehow it worked on him. He looked pretty exotic (by that I knew he wasn’t from London, maybe India or something).  He nodded and gestured to the song again.  I looked down at it and read it out loud.

“Bohemian Rhapsody?” he smiled happily and soon a guitar solo came on.  But along with that, I heard the same guitar playing the same notes, almost as if—holy shit!

A curly haired pure white ghost soon held a red guitar and began playing the exact guitar solo right there.  I turned to the ghost beside me who was still smiling devilishly and he gestured for me to look back at the guitarist.  As I watched the white ghost play the guitar, I was amazed and mesmerized by how he played the guitar.

As a Classic Rock fan I’ve seen the greatest guitar players such as Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Alex Lifeson, and Eddie Van Halen, but this guy—this was unlike anything I’ve ever seen a guitarist do or even play.  It was like his guitar was actually singing a solo, instead of just being an instrument.  Like it was a person, and she sang beautifully.

The song then went quiet as the lights went out and only a single piano note was now playing over and over.  Soon the silhouette of the ghost that led me here stood before me as a single spotlight hit him.  And I don’t know whether the vocals suddenly turned off or whatever but I could actually hear singing right there.

Next thing I know, the yellow and white ghosts are now joined up with a soft blue and pure black ghost.  The four of them standing together in like a diamond shape patter with the yellow and white ghost at top and bottom respectively, the blue ghost was on my right while the black was on the left.  

The four of them once again jointed in a quartet harmony before suddenly their voices boomed out like a canon firing.  And I know it sounds crazy but I swear I think they duplicated themselves about a dozen times to get that full powerful choir sound.  The blue ghost then started to sing in a really high falsetto tone while the yellow ghost backed him up on the lower range before making his voice waver.

This pattern continued as the front man sung again softly and then the other three ghosts (or copies) backed him up.  Wow this song it’s—literally unlike anything I’ve ever seen before.  The way it started soft before BAM exploding right in your face. Just like an Opera.

I bopped my head along to the beat softly to the beat and then when the rock out section came on. I’ll admit I banged my head as hard as I could (may come to regret it later but I didn’t care).  The setting soon changed to an actual rock and roll concert stage and I saw all four of them up on the stage.  

The black ghost on bass, the blue playing the drums, the white playing his guitar and the yellow one center stage, well more like everywhere as he strutted around and sung as loudly as he could.

I smiled and stood up and couldn’t help but jump up and down as I rocked out along with them. The yellow ghost soon went back to the piano and began playing it and as the four ghosts vocalized softly, the song slowly died off the hard rock and grew soft once again.  The yellow ghost sang the last verse as the piano solely took over now just before the white ghost played his guitar for the last time.

Then when the soft bang of a gong, the song ended and the room went dark once more.

“That’s it? Oh come on please that can’t be the end of the song!” the lights soon came back on and I now found myself in a recording studio.  The four ghosts all standing there.  The yellow one came up to me with a soft smile and gently touched the center of my forehead with his index and tall fingers and I felt this warmth come over my yet again.

“We’ve got more songs than that dear, believe me. But this is the one we’re most proudest of.” His normal voice spoke to me.  

“It was either that or I’m in love with my car.” The white ghost groaned out.

“I told you before Brian it’s a metaphor!” the blue ghost snapped.

“After all these years Roger it’s still unusual. What exactly are you doing to that car?” the black ghost sassed.

“Ignore him darling. He’s just a little peeved that after all the fussing and locking himself in a cupboard, his song didn’t get the chance to go on the B side to our single. Which is my masterpiece.” The yellow ghost told me.

“Umm…..not to sound cruel but, I mean I know you guys are Queen but uhh—what are your names?”

“Oh yes that. Silly me. You my darling may call me Freddie Mercury.” The yellow ghost introduced himself with a twirl.

“Brian May. Thank you again for giving us a chance to show you our hard work.” The white ghost introduced himself.  Wow he sure was polite.

“Roger Taylor. And I must say my dear, you are quite adorable, especially when you let loose and rock out.” The blue ghost gave me a wink.  Normally I wouldn’t give flirting a second glance, especially after Jake’s insistent flirting, but for some reason I couldn’t help but blush at his compliment.

“Please forgive him. He always goes crazy over a pretty girl. John Deacon it’s lovely to meet you.” The black ghost said as he gave me a greeting bow of his head.  Freddie, Brian, Roger and John, these guys were the men behind Queen.

“It’s—an honor to meet you four. I’m (Y/n). So—all the times people have been coming into the studio, all you wanted was for someone to listen to your album?”

“Yes, but no one would stick around. All because we’re ghosts.” Freddie whined as he pouted and crossed his arms over his chest.

“And you were the only one who had any sense of musical taste.” Roger pointed out my Hendrix shirt.  I rubbed the back of my neck and said.

“Yeah, kinda a music geek. Mostly through classic rock. But none of my friends—oh my god my friends! What did—those screams from earlier. What did you guys do to them?!”

“Take it easy lovie, your friends are safe and unharmed.” Roger assured me.

“Really?”

“Yes. I mean minus the fright we might’ve caused them, they’re completely fine. They’re passed out in that van of yours outside right now.” Brian said.

“Though Deacy dear, I must admit you truly traumatized that one young boy earlier. I could barely keep my hold on (Y/n)’s mind to bring her here cause of the screaming you had that boy doing.” Freddie said.

“Who? You mean Jake?” I asked.

“What he did to you back there. It—wasn’t right. If a woman says no, it means no.” John growled softly.

“Thanks John. I’ve tried telling him for years I never once liked him like that, but any chance we’re alone he tries to come onto me. I was getting sick and tired of it.”

“Well not to worries dear, I think from what John did to him, he’ll never bother you again for a long time.” Roger said as he ruffled John’s hair up.  John pushed his hand off his head and he came up to me and asked.

“You sure he didn’t hurt you?”

“I’m fine, really. I’m okay.” He sighed in relief.

“Hey guys,” they all looked at me giving me their full attention. “I—I don’t mean to get personal with you all. But uhh……How did you guys…..forget it. You don’t have to answer it. It’s probably none of my business.”

“It’s not? Then why so interested?” asked Brian.  He didn’t ask it out of annoyance, I could genuinely hear the concern in his voice.

“Well I was gonna ask, how did you guys—you know……”

“Die?” they all said together.  I nodded.

“Well dear as much as we would like to tell you, we can’t.” Freddie said.

“Yeah I get it. I mean if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t either.”

“It’s not that (Y/n).” John said.  I looked at him confused, “See while we remember some parts of our lives as humans. The day we died—that part’s fuzzy.”

“For decades we’ve tried to remember what had happened but every time we try it just—doesn’t come around.” Brian finished.  Oh wow I never knew that that could happen when you become a ghost.  Not knowing how you die and have to remain here on Earth.

“Tell us dear, what all has been said about our deaths?” Freddie asked me as he leaned sat down on the chair and rest his chin on his hand.

“Well there are several theories. The ones I know about are an electrical fire in this studio and you guys being trapped inside.”

“Sounds boring.” Freddie bluntly stated.  The other three looked at him questioningly.

“What else?” asked Roger.

“Well another theory is that someone snuck in and massacred you guys. Some people even go into detail about the homicide and what happened to each of you. I—I was honestly heartbroken hearing that and cried.”

“Aww you sweet thing.” Freddie and Roger cooed.

“A slight alteration to that theory is that it was a—day to day manager you guys had was the one to kill you guys.”

“Oh him. Well we’re proud to say he’s no longer with us anymore.” Roger said.

“I think I remember that he also died along with us. And if he did, he’s right where he belongs cause we haven’t seen him since our death. Thank god.” said John.  I softly smiled before letting out a soft yawn.

“It’s getting late, you should get some sleep.” Brian said to me.

“Where can I sleep at?” I asked.

“You could pick one of our old rooms.” Roger suggested.

“Just hope you don’t mind sleeping on rickety old beds.” Brian softly laughed.  I softly laughed and said.

“Okay uhh…..John do you mind if I take yours?”

“Not at all. Follow me.” I followed behind him and we walked out of the recording studio and back to the main house.  He walked down the steps to the basement and he said, “Just a word of warning, it’s small and it gets colder than the other rooms. You sure you still want it?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” We came to the bottom of the steps and I saw that it was indeed a tiny room. Kinda reminded me of my childhood room when my parents and I were living in a small flat.

“Again I apologize, I didn’t choose this room. Yet I’m bound to it for all eternity.” He said as he placed his hand on the dresser but it went right through it. “Kinda the price for being the youngest and most forgetful member of the band.”

“I never thought that.” He turned towards me. “From the songs I’ve heard on your three albums, your basslines are unique and easily recognizable. Especially this one song uhh—god it’s been awhile since I listened to it what’s it called…..Lies?”

“Liar?”

“That’s it! That solo is phenomenal.” He softly smiled and thanked me.  I walked towards the small bed and tucked myself in suddenly feeling tired than I was before.

“Thanks again for allowing me to take your room tonight John.”

“Anytime. Sleep well (y/n).” I then shut my eyes and finally fell asleep.

*John’s POV*

I don’t know how to explain it.  Normally I’d never allow anyone to try and sleep in my room.  All the humans that have entered this farm whether on a dare or trying to discover the secrets of this place, I’ve made sure to keep out anyone by frightening them away.

But this young girl there was something—familiar about her.  Was she—no. No that’s impossible.  I’m crazy for even suggesting it, there’s no way that’s possible.  It’s a one in a billion chances.  I sat there in the corner of my room and watched her sleep, while trying to make sense on why I’m feeling this strange pull towards her.

*My POV*

2 weeks after that night, the guys actually gave me the Night at the Opera record and I was just amazed by all the songs it had, but my favorite song will always be Bohemian Rhapsody.  But there was another song called ‘You’re my best friend’ (written by John) that had a special connection with me.

Right now I was helping my nana with some reorganizing in the attic when I came across an old box of stuff.  I opened it up and was first greeted with some dust.  I let out a sneeze as I wiped the dust out of my face before pulling out a beautiful wedding dress.

“Nana! What’s this?” she climbed up the stairs and when she saw me, her face grew solemn. She walked up towards me and knelt down beside me.

“Now this is something I haven’t seen in years. This—was my wedding dress.”

“It’s beautiful.” I said as I stroked through the fabric.

“Yeah. But oh did I look like a balloon in it. I was pregnant with your father at the time I got married.” She went through the box and soon pulled out a photo album and opened it up. “See, this was me on my wedding day with—with your grandfather.” I looked down and I was shocked.

There was her and John standing together.  The two of them smiling as the picture was being taken.  Her back to John’s chest and his arms wrapped around her pregnant stomach.

“It was a surprise, the pregnancy. And we were incredibly young but—John praised about becoming a father. But then…….” She stopped and wiped away her tears.

“Nana are—are you okay?” she sniffled and dabbed her eyes and said.

“Yes. Yes poppet I’ll be okay. Sorry. It’s just—so hard, even after over 40 years. He was my best friend, the love of my life. I wish your father talked more about your grandfather to you. Oh he would’ve loved you soo much dear. Spoiled you rotten probably.”

Oh if only she knew. Wow so—my grandfather is John Deacon. Wow that’s—not everyone can say something like that.

“What….what was grandfather like?” I asked her.

“Well, we met way back in 1974 at a Disco club. My friends and I were out for a girls night out when—” she then proceeded to tell me the entire story of how she and granddad met and fell in love.

Hearing it from her own voice, it was like something out of a fairytale.  She and John really did love each other and it seemed like they would’ve stayed together forever had what happened to Queen not occurred.

“Did—the police ever tell you what happened?” I asked her.

“For years I tried to get them to give me an answer. But the case went cold and they just ruled it as accidental. I had to live with that heartbreak ever since. So I raised your father as a single parent because there wasn’t anyone like John Richard Deacon.” I leaned against her shoulder nuzzling her arm.

She wrapped her arm around my head and gave me a soft kiss to my head.  Together the two of us sat there and she told me as many stories as she could remember between her and John.

[kennedycatherine]

things may be shitty but sometimes I'm shittier

I’m overheard retelling half a joke my friends have heard 30 times over. One of the greats in my rotating stock of five. 

“Wait, what’s this about?” Asks someones boyfriend and I lean on an elbow, angle myself toward him with a grin.

“It’s actually a really funny story.”

His girlfriend rolls her eyes, “it’s not funny.”

My eyebrows go up, in, “I think it’s funny?”

“Kennedy,” she begins and looks at me with even eyes, “it makes people uncomfortable.”

She says it like a mother warning her toddler not to pull his pants off in front of the dinner guests, not again. And I feel a lot like he might;

Defiant - it is a funny story, I’ve done the math on which details can stay in, which have to go out, I know where to pause for a laugh or a sigh. He’d probably like it. 

Ashamed - it probably isn’t funny to everyone, perhaps my math was just enough to keep people engaged, the pauses great for a sympathy laugh. He probably wouldn’t like it.

“Another time,” he whispers with a soft, consoling smile and I silently curse his girlfriend. 

Fuck you, Kierstan, you don’t know the first thing about comedic timing.

The story in question is about the time I found my sister cold and unconscious. I thought she was dead. The punchline about my being in a pink velour costume when the EMT’s arrived and the bit about the stolen laffy taffy, oh and her not being dead - fully worth the undeniable emotional lows. 

Believe me when I say that in some circles, it’s a funny story. There are branches of comedy, Netflix specials, peoples entire careers and livelihoods that are rooted in dark comedy - there is a vast market for illuminating and lightening the horrifying. Also trust me when I say I know how deeply unfunny it is to watch someone you love overdose. 

The story is funny now. A few years ago it wasn’t. It was a nearly unspeakable thing. An experience that happened and it wasn’t funny. 

But life goes on. 

You have no choice. 

Around the time of the pink velour tracksuit and the laffy taffy, I found myself laughing uncontrollably at my desk. I’d just left the job I’d gone to college for and found myself in the pit of broken dreams - an 8 to 5 desk job. The absolute thrill of it all - somedays you might file, somedays you might answer a few more calls than usual. Somedays your boss might ask you to bend over and pick up his pencil while you wear the skirt it was gently (but firmly) implied was mandatory. Mandatory only in the sense that no one could tell you that you couldn’t wear pants but they sure were more forgiving of car naps running 15 minutes over if they could glimpse a knee. 

And boy, did I need the car naps. 

It’s funny because I thought I was doing great. Really, for awhile I thought I was the best I’d ever been. I was laughing pretty much all the time, at everything. I’d never found the world more funny. By all accounts, I was having a great time.

So imagine my surprise when one day I found my eyes full, my face damp and my car hurdling down the highway past the exit to my work. When I did arrive, this time with pants, therefor low forgiveness - I was asked to my boss’ office for a closed door meeting.

Why was I late?

Somehow telling my boss that I wasn’t exactly sure the reason but my brain was telling me I should just keep driving, maybe to the next town, maybe for hours, maybe until the border, didn’t really seem like an option. “I think I have the flu.”

Despite all the things I didn’t know, I did know I didn’t have the flu. I found myself laid out in my doctors office anyway.

When he finally threw the door open, all white coated and anxious, just like I like em’ - I sat up. We made a sort of frenzied eye contact and he asked me what was wrong. 

“I think I might be, like, totally fucking losing it.” 

I left with a plan and antidepressants.

It all sounds kind of simple and quaint.

But it wasn’t.

Stopping to consider if you’re a danger to yourself or anyone else so your doctor can qualify if you need counselling, pills, maybe a psychiatric hold isn’t charming. Those first few weeks of pills, even though you’ve been told and you know you’ll feel worse for awhile, they’re simply awful. This isn’t some beautiful woman on HBO popping a white pill with her chardonnay, suddenly noticing a pink bloom on her neglected cactus. This is ugly and painful before it’s anything else.

And slowly it did become “anything else” … most of the time. 

Depression isn’t a joke. But it is a static way of being that loses it’s edge. 

It softens. Like a shitty haircut, you come to expect the blunt, harsh edges. Your body adjusts to the sight of it. It’s still kind of scary to look at but you know what to expect.

Life goes on.

It’s just not precious anymore. 

I could barely say I’d been diagnosed. I only told the people who were close enough to see the new medication was wearing me out. Now it’s an introductory fact, “Hi, Kennedy Catherine, daughter, lover, lesbian, writer, major depressive disorder.” 

I felt for a long time like it was all behind me. The worst was over! Family, outside of some trick hearts, healthy. Depression, diagnosed, plans made, helpful medications on standby. Experiencing another dark episode seemed dull,  ya know? Just a tad fucking redundant. Been there, done it, bored by it. 

Then: March 2020. 

There was a period of limbo. I still had a job, I just couldn’t be there or do it until things got better - hardy har. I packed up my truck and settled into my families cabin for five or six weeks. It was fine, I was fine, I thought. One day I went out for a walk and awhile later watched my sister rumble through a long stretch of prairie toward me on an ATV. My phone was dead and I’d be gone, oh, three hours longer than expected?

“What happened?”

I just kind of… lost track of time? Lost my sense of direction? I don’t know, I thought. I was here but I sort of went away from myself for a second. When I sunk into the bath later with achy muscles and a blister, I felt nervous.

Now, I haven’t scared myself in years. My depression isn’t so severe that I feel unsafe with myself. Anything I did or have done to effectively terrify myself, I shed by the time I was 20. Because that can happen, you can do that. You can change coping mechanisms and learn real, healthy ways to parent yourself. The mood instability that came later, the dark times, I still felt mostly fortified. I felt like I could figure it out, like I still had access to myself to do the figuring out. 

But I could feel myself slipping away this time. 

I was talking fast about something or another when I finally said to my mom, “I think I might need help.” I wasn’t sure exactly what I meant because I didn’t really know how to help myself and I wasn’t really sure what was wrong. 

And that in and of itself is a problem. I didn’t know what was wrong? 

I was out of the job that got me out of bed Monday to Friday for three and a half years, I left the house that had become my comfort cathedral, I hadn’t seen any of my closest friends in months, I was living with my sister and my mother who I hadn’t spent longer than a handful of days with in like five years. There was global fear and uncertainty and the risk of contracting a virus that could or could not kill you but I didn’t know… what was wrong? Well that’s just deeply moronic. 

Sometimes when you need help, or when I need help, that does come in the form of professional counselling or medications or an anonymous support group. Sometimes, it’s just circumstantial and circumstances can change.

I went home.

And in a few weeks, when I’d more or less returned to myself, I could clearly see the hills and valleys my mind had just wandered. I felt strength again, a sense of renewal and excitement about my imminent return to work and society.

Then I actually lost my job.

I know, redundant. I’m tired of myself too. But bullshit is cyclical, that’s just a fact. 

And if there is one thing I’ll give myself credit for, it’s my ability to immediately concoct a backup plan in the face of a threat. Moments after I was officially terminated, texts and emails went out. The idea of not knowing where my next paycheque would come from and how much it would be, having lost the place I strolled into everyday with a sense of purpose and not knowing when and where I’d have that again was simply not an option.

My head went down, I narrowed focus and the efforts resulted in… enough. I’m living. Which wasn’t and isn’t the hope for life. Unstable stagnancy is deeply uncomfortable.

So, generally speaking, things are not great. 

I lost my humbly secure job. A place I comfortably could’ve lived and died if I’d prioritized everything other than work and my sort of crippling ambition. This effectively led me down the path of questioning every decision I’ve made past the age of 16. First and foremost, choosing radio. An industry that was at it’s peak in the 1930’s and on the decline ever since was perhaps not the most lucrative or secure of career choices. 

My romantic life developed far enough to remind me that often times I am a crusty, avoidant crustacean human and suddenly all those popular tweets about my deep emotional inabilities and intimacy issues seemed, well, not that funny.

I decided I probably shouldn’t drink. I don’t have a drinking problem but I do have a problem with drinking. Namely, waking with no memory, my legs shaking and my stomach clenched so tightly I could sense my body wanted to flee - itself, mostly. And let’s not forget the part where I get fighty and mean.  

When shit hit the fan and then shot off the blades into the face of life in my early twenties, it wasn’t my fault. To be clear, mental health is a no fault area. I was always predisposed to depression, mental illness is genetic. I had no control over that. But there were plenty of variables, extenuating circumstances if you will, that I also had no control over but sure as fuck could and did blame other people for.

This is not the same thing. 

This is a moment where it is necessary to discern illness from circumstance and living from coping. 

Like I said, bullshit is cyclical. And it this point, it’s pretty much just my own bullshit on repeat, forever and ever amen. At twenty or twenty three, when the circumstances weren’t my fault, it also felt like my reactions weren’t my fault. I was floundering, I didn’t know better. I learned some hard lessons about how I cope and handle things. I learned that I didn’t really like the person I was when I was figuring out how to survive myself and life. 

I was unkind, a lot. 

I hated the way that felt, I hated the way it affected my relationships and decided to learn from it.

Except, I didn’t learn. I said, great, noted. Dashed a nice little ~fini!~ at the end of that chapter, closed er’ on up and bypassed the bookshelf for the dusty box in the corner labelled, “garage sale.” Because surely no one would need to read that again! 

And then a few weeks ago when I had a breakthrough in counselling, I dug that chapter back up and allowed myself a few days of surprise. Bitch, you been done knew the WHOLE time. This isn’t news, this isn’t shocking. This is the part of you that developed somewhere along the way and it didn’t work and you didn’t like it but! But. It was comfortable. So you gave it a few years and then when things fell out of control again, let it settle back in all warm and snuggly.

You know what they say. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I guess I need to financially prioritize a CBT therapist. 

So here I am, again. 

Only this time feels deeply, deeply different. Because it’s not the first. 

I sat down with a friend to tell her how I was feeling. How much I felt like I needed and wanted to change my default settings. 

I need a factory restore. 

“I think you’re being hard on yourself.”

No, no, I have grace for myself! I actually have a lot of understanding. I’m parenting myself through this which includes showing myself love while I also discipline.

“I just feel like maybe you were doing the best you knew how.”

Well, I mean, sure? Sometimes? But there were moments where I knew I was saying or doing the wrong thing, where I was even challenged by someone else but I wasn’t challenging myself, you know?

“Well maybe that’s just who you are?”

Right… but this is also who I am? And we do actually have a say in that, you know? Like how I evolved from throwing toddler tantrums on the grocery store floor? I could actually just keep doing that, no one is stopping me, but I don’t.

“I think you’re being self deprecating and that is not healthy.” 

Since when is self identifying a problem self deprecation? 

“Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself.”

… but change is hard? 

I appreciate that people want to protect me from myself or from bad feeling or whatever they perceive that all to be. More often than not, I think they, we, you, I, we’re all just trying to protect ourselves. But it’s not helpful. Pretending that everything is fine and that we’re fine and adopting an overarching, “I am perfect as I am, namas-fucking-te” mantra isn’t actually helpful.

What’s the harm in me saying I have been shitty? That I have acted poorly? That I have neglected to be better when there was clearly a different option? That I wasn’t honestly showing myself to people when I could’ve or allowing them space in me?

That it’s… not nice? That just like the joke about my sister not being dead, it’s not comfortable to listen to? It’s true and it is compassionate to view yourself as a whole, to know yourself and think I actually do like myself and this life enough to want to be better.

Just like what is coined the unfortunate evening of Velour and Ambulances or the depression diagnosis or life being turned on it’s head by a plague sent from hell, once it was deeply painful and then it wasn’t. None of this is precious. Being a shitty person sometimes isn’t a rare affliction. You’ve been shitty before, you’ll do it again, I’ll do it again, hey, you might even be shitty right now! Isn’t that something? 

Things are not great right now. They’ve been not great tens of times before. Only this time it isn’t taking me 2 to 4 years to talk and laugh about it. Because this is a muscle, the shit muscle and it’s exercised. It’s buff. 

And you know what? Things could be worse. They could even get worse now! I’m hoping they don’t but they certainly could, and in the thick of it, we’ll always have that glimmering possibility to hold onto. 

[holyfourthofjulyweenieroast]

Notes on Season 15- Part 1 (contains spoilers, are mostly complaints about Torres), and are my personal opinions, don’t @ me)

Since Season 15 started rerunning in Australia on 19 November, I’ve decided to write down things I forgot or would like to emphasise upon:

Family Ties (originally Ep. 13, but for some reason it aired as Ep. 12)

Kayla #3 makes her first appearance

Ouch, poor Jimmy

Yuck, Torres is just so sleazy (plus hanging Bishop out to dry, again?)

That court-ordered breathalyser thing should be put in every car (or at least on the first offence rather than repeat offenders)

What sort of idiot would leave their garage unlocked with the keys in the car

Aww, Jackie mention

I love Sloane and Vance’s friendship

Abby doing the same thing she did to Tony and Ziva!

Plot twist, anyone?

‘Shave and a Haircut’, nice knock

Nice inspiration from ‘Family First’ there

More Sloane-and-Faith foreshadowing

Kayla is such a good person- she takes after her parents in loyalty and friendship, among many other things

Vance is such a good father, and it really showed throughout the episode

NCIS is always great at incorporating legal issues into episodes, just like this one

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

Keep Your Friends Close (originally Ep. 14, but for some reason it aired as Ep. 13)

Stop showing off, Torres

Go, McGee

Classic Fornell humour, I’ve missed it

Fornell and Vance annoying Gibbs will never get old

Poor Gibbs- I’d be acting the exact same way

Aww, Jimmy

Another example of why military personnel, and Americans in general, need better healthcare (not to say that nobody else needs better healthcare, but the US’ is notoriously poor)

Abby’s bedtime story for the twins was so cute

I feel sorry for Hicks’ lawyer

Do all prisons give inmates clothes with their name on them?

Reeves definitely doesn’t believe McGee

I’m with Bishop- that place sounds awesome

STOP SHOWING OFF, TORRES

I absolutely love Fornell, and I gotta say, this new look is really working for him

Vance, you’re the absolute best

‘brass mole’ is my new favourite phrase

Poor Fornell

That’s usually what ‘victim’ means, lady, and you’re a total asshole for getting a married guy to cheat on his wife

I’m on the wife’s side- she deserves jail time, sure, but she should also get the life insurance money

Fornell and Gibbs have such a great friendship

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

Keep Your Enemies Closer (originally Ep. 15, but for some reason it aired as Ep. 14)

Being insensitive and showing off- two of Torres’ most prized qualities

Seriously, Torres? Stealing food again, ugh

Hicks really is a great villain

Reeves’ Brummie accent is fascinating when you listen to it properly

Oof, poor McGee- that’s gotta hurt

I love how Fornell rubs the getting-fired in Gibbs’ face every opportunity he gets

I feel sorry for Vance, having to put up with everything the team does

Bishop and Reeves standing close together again, aww

Jimmy is such a good friend

That’s what blowing your nose is for, idiot- also, go Fornell

That was a probie move, McGee

Fornell and Gibbs save the day!

Triff had great lines this episode

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

Double Down (originally Ep. 10, but for some reason it aired as Ep. 15)

Bishop being intentionally annoying to get the case was great

Chet, while funny, is not someone I’d be want to be stuck with

I miss Analyst Bishop

Bishop and McGee’s sibling bond is the best

Torres has been rubbing off on Bishop way too much, and I do not like it

Stop being such an asshole, Torres- Sloane knows the area way better than you

Can something be uncalled-for but fair at the same time?

The Senator getting shot while saving Chet? Oof

Ouch, hiding stuff from Vance is not good

Poor Senator

Don’t be so dramatic and time-wasting, Torres- nobody likes or appreciates it

Pretty good scam, but pretty illegal (and by ‘pretty’ I mean ‘very’)

NCIS is great at doing emotional moments

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

Handle With Care

Torres should know by now that you should save everything work-related, especially if it’s financial

Writing a helicopter off as a company car is a power move

The care-package organisation is such a sweet thing

Bishop and Reeves’ standing-close-together is on par with Tony and Ziva’s

Torres, this is nobody’s fault but yours

This Dexter guy is like the Fox News of podcasts, if my knowledge of US TV channels is accurate

I hate it how people shit on the military all the time, especially if they have no idea what it’s like

Go, Gibbs- this guy’s an asshole, and besides, his teeth creep me out

Ugh, seriously, Torres? Neglecting work for personal stuff again

Sloane and Vance are such a great brotp (Voane? Slance?)

That takedown was amazing

Torres is so insufferable

The Sloane-and-John scenes had a lot of foreshadowing to the Faith reveal

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

One Man’s Trash

Kasie’s first episode!

Don’t be so judgemental, Torres

This Wyatt guy’s collection is pretty impressive

Oof, a stolen war stick is not good

Shut up, Torres

Abby’s lollipop idea was so sweet

God, Torres is such an asshole

Ducky and Kasie have such a cute relationship already

Kasie being a huge Abby fan was super-relatable, and their hug was so cute

It’s pretty cool how they incorporated American Pickers into the episode

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

Death From Above

At least Ducky’s book is going over better than Deep Six did

Torres is so disrespectful- at the bare minimum he could’ve read at least one page, and not complained loudly for everyone to hear

Trust Torres to slack off and find something to do other than work

Senior! I almost forgot he was in this episode

Reeves is so much taller than everyone else and it’s kinda hilarious- also, he’s honestly the sweetest person ever

Way to state the obvious, Torres

NYB mention, so sad

Poor Reeves, I’d be reacting the exact same way

Aww, Senior protecting Abby (and lying pretty well)

Torres wouldn’t get into half the problems he does if he listened and followed orders once in a while

Seriously, Torres? Yuck, also you’re a terrible liar (but Lady Bait is a great song/piece of music, I gotta admit)

Ari mention, ouch

Is Torres incapable of not having a massive, pigheaded ego for even one second?

Sloane shrinking Leslie was super-awesome

Vance saves the day!

Gibbs knows better than to tell two different people two different lies- I wonder why he did

The scene with Bishop, Jimmy and Vance in the lab was peak comedy

Was the Burke guy talking like Batman on purpose?

The directing of this episode was incredible

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

The Numerical Limit

Torres has been rubbing off on Bishop way too much

Another day, another insensitive remark

LVM mention!

I don’t like Asshole Bishop as much as Analyst Bishop

Again with Torres assuming that he has a monopoly on speaking more than one language

The ‘bleachorexic’ conversation instantly reminded me of McGee when he over-bleached his teeth

Oof, taking Reeves down is not easy feat

I don’t know why anyone would want or need their own mattress salesman, but you do you, Sloane

I’d absolutely love a whole truck full of icecream

I don’t envy Vance’s situation- he has to be the example even when it sucks

Cue the tears

This episode conveyed such an important message and issue- refugees are such a contentious topic

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

Sight Unseen

Hypocrite much, Torres?

This is just like the sick lieutenant all over again, ugh

SHUT. UP. TORRES.

Abby and Reeves have such a sweet friendship- it sucks that we didn’t get to see more of it

TORRES, I HATE YOU SO MUCH

I love Petty Sloane

Yuck, can he be any more of an insensitive asshole?

That is a really big tooth

Torres always has to ruin nice moments by opening his big fat mouth

Why is it that lawyers are always involved in the crime

Ugh, the end scene was so awkward

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

One Step Forward

Neglecting work to slack off yet again

WHY DOES TORRES HAVE TO BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE?

Slance brotp ftw!

Abby’s so sweet- ‘angel in platform shoes’ is right

Poor Reeves, this resonates so much with him and it’s so heartbreaking

SHUT. UP. TORRES.

The foreshadowing was so sad, especially because we didn’t know it was at the time

Ouch, poor Jimmy

Reeves is the best, I want to cry (I am)

That scene was terrible to watch

Oof

Sweetest scene ever

AAAAAAHHH

Homeless vets is such a terrible issue, and so unfair- it’s great whenever NCIS features it in an episode

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

Two Steps Back

I’m digging Fornell’s look (and this poker group)

The reveal was terrible

CRYING

Aww, Gibbs

Bishop crying made me cry even more

Jimmy and McGee being brothers, aww

Post-autopsy Reeves was even worse than pre-

You have to be nice to Major Mass Spec, Torres- you should know that by now

Tony being Tony

McGee’s voice breaking was tear-inducing

McGee helping Abby with her pigtails was so sweet

Rolodex- now there’s a word I haven’t heard in a while

What do you know, Torres is stating the obvious

‘Wild Goose’ was honestly so funny

Torres is a total dumbass for getting himself trapped in the coffin- he should’ve known Abby would try to trick him somehow (and in a really funny way at that)

Gibbs trying not to smile was hilarious

The in-depth flashback of the shooting was horrible, especially seeing Reeves die

Abby talking to Reeves in Autopsy made me cry so hard

Caf-POW! pills was ingenious

The parallels between these café scenes and in Toxic were so clever and sad at the same time, especially the dialogue

I cried non-stop for the rest of the episode when I watched it for the first time, and I still am now

Abby’s apartment was awesome, and I love how things from past seasons were incorporated- it was so bittersweet seeing all the memories

They really pulled out all the stops in this episode with bringing characters back, and it was so special for Abby’s last episode

The acting in this episode was amazing, and the flashbacks made me cry so much

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

Fallout

Torres is so bigheaded

Reeves mention, so painful

I love the way Vance delivers lines

Was Torres the landlord?

Kasie!!!

Snarky Gibbs!

Oof

Aaah, so sad

Bishop and Reeves had such a great friendship

Jimmy time! I love it when he gets moments to shine

I love it when Sloane says ‘hiya’

Deep Six mention!

Uh-oh

Poor Phil, that’s one of the worst-ever situations to be in

Aww, that photo is so sweet

Kasie is babie

Phil has BFE (Big Fornell Energy), right down to the puttanesca- I’m glad he wasn’t a one-time character bc he’s great

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

Date With Destiny

What would Torres know about being handsome

Vance is so supportive, I love his and Sloane’s friendship

Shannon’s birthday, so sad

It’s a ship, not a boat- you tell him, McGee

I’m loving Kasie’s taste in music

Bishop and Sloane are another great brotp

Aww, Admiral mention

Eek

Damn straight Torres is sexist- and incorrect, remember the S1 episode with the explosiver hersteller who faked her memory loss (yes, I know Torres wasn’t there then so he likely wouldn’t know, but anyway the main point is that he’s sexist)?

Kasie’s so adwarkable

Not good

Sloane’s got a great innocent face

Jimmy and Kasie have such a great friendship already

That’s such a terrible thing to live through- Sophie’s choices suck, especially when it’s two lives

It’s Ziva’s ‘death’ all over again- no body, no proof

That was incredible, showing the effects of PTSD and how it affects people

Ya think, Torres?

I almost forgot he kidnapped Vance

WHY COULDN’T REEVES HAVE BEEN THE THIRD AGENT SO TORRES AND QUINN WOULD HAVE NEVER EXISTED AND CBS WOULD’VE SAVED HEAPS OF MONEY HIRING ONE MAIN CHARACTER THAT AUDIENCES ALREADY KNEW AND LOVED INSTEAD OF TWO NEW ANNOYING ONES

[tvntae]

heartbreak hotel 3

pairing: reader x ceo!jeon jungkook

plot: was sleeping with your boss really such a great idea?

Genre: smut (eventual), angst, fluff

word count: 2.7k

warnings: smut? but like poorly written lmao, dirty talk?? talks of anal play???

Your usual morning alarm blast through the silence of your usually quite room. It has you jolting awake, almost wanting to rip your hair out by realizing how much sleep you got. Or better yet, how much rest you missed out on. You tossed and turned all night after Jungkook suddenly showed up to your place. It took fucking forever to finally get him situated on your couch. The amount of walking back and forth between your room and your living area where he was staying nearly killed you. You feet felt swollen, and they ached, your head pounded and you weren’t even the one who spent their night and morning drinking their life away. The asshole also dared to demand he take your bed and you sleep on the couch because he’s your guest. Unwanted guest, you whispered under your breath when he said it. He didn’t hear you, but a part of you really wished he had. You finally reach over for your phone and hit the stop alarm button. You feel like absolute shit once you notice it is only 11 am, which means you just got a total of 3 hours of sleep, no thanks to Jungkook. What the fuck was your life becoming of. You sigh for what feels like the 100th time today, you need a shower and quick. You were quietly hoping, praying that Jungkook had left already and you two could put this whole situation behind you and pretend it never even happened. 

You grab some fresh clothes from your laundry basket and head to your bathroom, because yes you are a lazy bitch that never puts her clothes in their respective drawers. You smile when you take a peak in your living room and see Jungkook gone. You almost do a victory dance but decide against it since your head is still throbbing like crazy. You sigh a breath of relief when you notice your bathroom is empty as well. Jungkook must really be gone, thank God. You probably would have actually ripped your hair out if Jungkook was somehow still here, in your home and eating your food. You felt so much more refreshed after your shower. Your ‘nap’ had left you sweaty and sticky since you had begrudgingly given up the only fan you had in your home to Jungkook. He begged for it and as much as you wanted to slap him across his face for disturbing your unbeauty sleep you gave it up to finally sate him. 

Once you dry off and change into new clothes, you head to your kitchen to make yourself a late breakfast. You smell an odd burning smell coming from the living room and rush to find out what the hell could possibly be burning. You frantically search around to see what’s burning only to come face to face with the Devil Himself. 

“What the hell are you doing? God, it smells horrible in here.” You seethed and pinch the bridge of your nose when Jungkook drops your favorite skillet in the process of turning around. It’s not like you cooked in that skillet or anything, but it was a non-stick and absolutely fucking beautiful, so how dare he drop it? He frowns when he sees you, visibly nervous and now you kind of feel bad for scolding him. He lifts up a plate of mouth-watering looking pancakes and mumbles, “Made ‘I’m sorry’ pancakes.” And now you feel even worse for yelling at him.

The pout that sits on Jungkook’s face when you take your seat at your small kitchen table makes you want to giggle. He looks cute and not like the big mean boss or the drunken frat boy personalities you’ve seen before today. His cheeks are full of pancakes and syrup runs down his chin to slowly drip down to hit the surface of the table where his plate rest. On instinct, you lick your thumb and gather the droplets of syrup from Jungkook’s chin. He smiles brightly at you but, you could see the hesitancy in his face. You internally scream at yourself, now he thinks I’m a fucking weirdo. Jungkook awkwardly coughs and sets his fork down, and you think for a second he was going to get up to leave until he starts to speak.

“So,” he draws out. You set your own fork and knife down, you were in the middle of cutting yourself another small slice of pancake but figured Jungkook was finally going to address the elephant in the room. The big fucking elephant. You give Jungkook your full, undivided attention, “So?” You question him. 

“How do you like the pancakes?”

The question was simple enough, yeah, but what about the more critical issues at hand, like you know ‘why are you here, still?’ Maybe that was a bit rude, harsh even, but it’s not like he’s your sugar daddy or something, he’s your boss. Essentially, yes he is paying for your apartment but that’s because he’s your boss, you're his employee. So he doesn’t really get free reign when it comes to your personal belongings and living space. And, God you were praying he didn’t break your skillet. 

“Like them, a lot,” you reply after stuffing your face with another big bite. He smiles at that. The two of you sit in unbearable silence, you kind of want to speak first but what exactly would you even say? Jungkook coughs, rather loudly and you drop your fork again, waiting for him to say whatever he needed to get off of his chest. 

“I really am sorry you know. About just showing up to crash here, I needed a place to stay, and I thought you and I were close enough of friends that you wouldn’t have... minded. You didn’t mind, right?” He starts to rub the back of his neck slowly, a habit that you noticed he has when he’s nervous or stressed. 

Of course, you did mind that Jungkook stayed the night without correctly asking, but you’d be a shitty person to have kicked him out. And besides, he thinks you’re his friend. How horrible of a person would you be if you told him no? He most likely would think you’re a jerk and that’s just something you could not have. You were the type of person who liked to have close relationships with their bosses, and so far Jungkook was opening up to you. Hell, he takes you home from work every day, the least you could do was return some kind of favor. 

You shake your head no, and the non-verbal answer seems to appease him, so he continues.

“My fiancé and I sort of got into an argument about something silly, and so I went out for drinks with some buddies of mine and just drove myself here. Probably wasn’t the best of ideas,” he nibbles on his bottom lip, still a little hesitant about telling you what happened, but you made sure to show him you were listening regardless. 

“but nonetheless I really appreciate you being patient with me, so that’s why I made these pancakes. Actually, haven’t cooked for myself or anyone else in a while but I decided ‘why not’ ya know? I also noticed you were short on a few ingredients, so I went to pick those up as well. Hope you don’t mind, I kind of went a little overboard. You have shit choices when it comes to grocery shopping.” He smiles so brightly at you that you completely ignore the innuendo and smile back. Am I really that crappy at grocery shopping? 

Jungkook stands up to collect the now empty plates, and you silently thank him once he starts to wash them as well. You try to help him, but he shoos you away and says he’s perfectly capable of cleaning dishes that he dirtied by himself. 

You flop on your sofa and Jungkook follows you soon after, offering you a glass of iced tea and you joyfully accept it from his hands. Jungkook didn’t say much to you once you started up Netflix and put on a comedy for the two of you to watch. Either he didn’t find it funny at all, or there was just too many thoughts racing through his mind all at once for him to give the movie his full, undivided attention. Nonetheless, the silence was palpable, and he must have noticed it too at some point. He slowly but surely starts to inch his way closer towards your side of the couch and astonishingly you don’t mind the newly added body heat so close to your own. You can see him gulp as if he’s contemplating something fundamental and then he abruptly asks if he could stay another night with you. 

He chooses to avoid eye contact, and you figure it’s out of nervousness of being rejected. Jungkook is your boss, and there is and should be a fine line between appropriativeness and unprofessionalism, and you are sure as hell Jungkook is crossing that line. Like, he’s taking a gigantic leap over that line, and it is pretty fucking obvious. But to be honest, you feel sorry for the guy. It’s obvious he’s going through some personal things, and he just needs a shoulder, maybe even someone to listen, and he must think you’re the right person for that. Are you though? You were always bad at sympathy and giving advice and even when you did go out of your comfort zone to help someone they never listened to the help you’d suggest. Yeah, Jungkook’s situation is different, but how would this affect your work life? It was bad enough you had a semi-crush on him, it’s even worse now that he wants to stay another night at your cramped little shitty apartment that probably smells like trash since you hadn’t taken it out in a few days... He looks so timid though, and it makes you want to just roll him up in a burrito blanket and smother him in kisses. 

He patiently awaits your answer and when he gets tired of waiting he sighs. “I’m making you uncomfortable, aren’t I? I should go.” He says, and he sounds so fucking dejected you almost cry, almost. He gets up to leave, but you stop him, your tiny hand holding his much larger one and you can feel his fingers twitch. He wanted to hold your hand much tighter but decides against it, not wanting to make you any more uncomfortable in your own home than you probably already were. 

“No, you can stay Jungkook,” you rush to tell him. Maybe you should have given it a lot more thought, but you didn’t want to displease him for some odd reason. Besides one more night wouldn’t be that bad, right? 

The knocking sounds of your headboard are so prominent throughout the entire room, and you’re sure the neighbors can hear. You don’t understand why Jungkook and your self are being so quiet, but it sends a fire throughout your core and has you silently pleading him to fuck you even harder. His thrust was so slow and saccharine at first, and you felt as if he was torturing you, but soon he too got bored of the vanilla shit and starts to fuck you like he was some wild animal. You were trying your hardest to bite back moans, and you could see the struggle in Jungkook’s face as he did the same as well. He was fucking you so hard, and so thoroughly you were sure you’d pass out from over-exhaustion, but you desperately held on. His kisses went from a light ghost-like breaths to full-on lip biting, teeth clinking, hard kissing, and you loved every second of it. When was the last time someone fucked you this good? All you do know is how great you feel now. You feel so full of him, and just that thought alone has you smiling to yourself. 

Jungkook starts his assault on your clit, and you almost scream for more but soon remember that silence is apart of the ‘game.’ You want to moan so bad, tell him how good he’s making you feel but you won’t give him the satisfaction. You can’t let him win. 

Jungkook’s breaths get deeper, and he drops lower so his body is flushed up against yours and you know he’s close but hell, so are you. Your long nails dig into his back, and he lets out a low grunt that has your pussy tightening around him even harder. 

Essentially, yes you won the game since Jungkook did make a noise, but you weren’t going to ruin such a perfect moment by saying something about it. Your release feels so close and yet so far, and it’s driving you insane. You don’t know exactly what you need, but you need more of it, more of him if that’s even possible. 

“Please Jungkook, fuck, please,” you croak out. Jungkook looks at you, his pupils are so large in the dark that his usual soft brown eyes are unrecognizable. For awhile the two of you just stay like that, him rocketing into you, making intense eye contact until he pulls out and flips you over on all fours, your stomach flat against the bed sheet and ass arched high into the sky. He drives himself back into you, and you scream as loud as you can, having finally been able to be as vocal as you like. Jungkook must like the sounds you make because he's picked up an unbelievable speed. 

“I’ve wanted to fuck this cunt for so long,” he lowers his chest to your back to whisper in your ear, still keeping the same fast past thrust that has your body hammering against your headboard. “fill you up with my cum for so long,” he’s growling now and you feel so close to cumming. You never took Jungkook for a dirty talker, but the surprise is pleasant. “Have you ever had your ass played with before, baby?” 

You look over your shoulder to get a better look at Jungkook, and he seems to be completely enamored by the way your ass shakes every time his hips meet your ass cheeks. When you don’t reply fast enough for him, he slaps your right cheek and smirks, and you feel his dick twitch when you choke back a cry from the harshness of the slap. 

“n-no, never,” you stuttered, internally wanting to slap your self for sounding so small. Jungkook hums, “next time I’m gonna fuck your pretty ass, watch it bounce on my dick, you’d like that wouldn’t you, huh?” Jungkook starts to circle your clit again, and you know now any moment you're going to cum, and you pray he is too. You weren’t sure how much more you could take.

“Cum for me y/n, come on,” he cheers you on. And you do. Your body starts to shake from the intensity of your orgasm and then you finally let go. Jungkook follows soon after, cumming inside you and you feel some of it drip from your cunt, making you cringe at the thought of having to wash cum stained bed sheets when morning came. Jungkook softly lays you down, and he hops off the bed to run and fetch you both cold bottles of water. He must be completely confident in his body, as he should be because he foregoes his underwear that lay haphazardly on your floor and walks around with his soft dick swinging.

 You thank him for the water and he softly kisses your cheek. You want to be happy about getting the best fuck of your life but why do you suddenly feel so guilty? 

Oh yeah, it’s because he’s getting married to 5 months. 

[stilinsk1]

Cole’s interview for Boys by Girls Magazine, part 3

(part 1, part 2) Sorry for every mistake and typo! It becomes quite powerful though - when you posted a picture we had taken of you, within an hour we had a significant amount of new followers. So it means your have the power to impact people and projects you feel passionate about. Sure, and to curate a kind of artistic lineage, so I think that's special. And that's the duty of mainstream artistry or someone who has received success, in my personal opinion, to curate an artistic collection and lineage that will influence society in a way that can truly bring about beneficial change. And your publication is dealing with the concept of masculinity in a way that's very important to me, and should be very important to all men in our society. I love that when you tweet, sometimes the whole world talks about it. It's funnt, I think people sometimes take my tweets too seriously. My twitter has always been a vehicle for shit-posting. I've never really taken it seriously, so when people do take it seriously, it always takes me by surprise.

We need to talk about 'Riverdale' as well. I just love talking about feelings. It's a passion of mine. Yeah, me too. I love you as Jughead. I just learned that you originally read for Archie.

Yes, I was given the script for Archie, and I had read one scene with Jughead and loved him. So I said: 'wow, I've got to try for this role'. I feel like he's a bit like you. Is that a fair or unfair comparison? Like I mentioned earlier - if people are not saying that, you're not doing a good job. That's the currency of a quality role. Your ability to get into character comes from a resonation you have empathetically with the role itself. That empathy is based on your lived experiences, so I resonate with Jughead very much. I mean, I was the cringiest kid in school. Jughead, to me, is the very image of a millennial teenager that many people fear, and that's what I live about his character. I had interpreted Jughead as tremendously pretentious, and it's very funny that whe people watch 'Riverdale' now, he has become a sort of heartthrob figure. Anyone who thinks they can write about their own town as a teenager, to me, that is a really pretentious move. Striving to be unique and non-conformist, I really resonated with him. Then as I got to rea more of his content I found out that he was also te narrator of the show, shich meant that he was the perspective device, which I really enjoyed. So I went in for the audition, and didn't know if I wanted to do acting or not - I was in this strange space in my life. I had just come off watching a ton of "Twilight Zone", and my audition was the whole opening monologue, so I read it just like Rod Serling in the "Twilight Zone", which they loved. When I found out it was going to be a mix of "Twin Peaks" and these other stereotypical campy teen dramas, I thought: 'fuck, this is going to be a lot of fun', and I was fully onboard. You said in another interview that Jughead struggles with vulnerability. Totally. I think Jughead's struggle with vulnerability is something I struggle with, but that's because we are both young men. Jughead turns away from emotional connection when he gets too close to people, as  an attempt to safeguard himself from becoming hurt. Just a product of men being told they can't be weak. That's how I had grounded it: in the inability to be vulnerable in that kind of physiology. Where is Cole with vulnerability, are you comfortable being vulnerable? I am now. Or at least, I'm more comfortable. I think vulnerability is the petri dish for growth. Full vulnerability is something people work at, which I will try to work at my whole life. Every time you enter into a vulnerable state, you enter into a right of passage, in my opinion. So much growth comes from the ability to make yourself vulnerable, because you immediately clarify what makes you nervous, and what makes you feel strong in those moments. I'm a firm believer that history of human survival is essentialy a history of triumph over their vulnerabilities. I truly think that bravely stepping into vulnerability is the greatest and most effective way to grow as a human being. Now, vulnerability for men is one of those things that froma very young age is seen as forbidden or weak. Since men are quite young, we are taught that weakness and vulnerability is something we should avoid, and the truth  is that a person only becomes strong trough recognising their weakness and addressing vulnerability - especially emotional vulnerability - and coming to terms with that. I think those are very important words for young men. The truth is, I was a very socially anxious kid. I was homeschooled, so raised inside a soundstage - not knowing how to interact with the world around me. I used comedy a lot to cover up my vulnerability, as an attempt to diffuse an otherwise hostile or threatening situation to me. And then as I embraced vulnerability when I got older, my own personal insecurity, femininity and all the other concepts that I have within me - I had the condifence to walk around and truly feel like I had mastered a space that was otherwise foreign to me. Especially during puberty, when we're getting all these complicated ideas about sexuality, maturation, social standing and professional pursuit. If we sat back and took the time to analyse why those things made us uncomfortable, we would have the confidence to take the world around us by storm. What are your thoughts around masculinity and how it is changing in the young generation of today? I can only speak from my experience, but in my youth I had experienced the world around me as an intersection between the expectation of confidence in young men and the simultaneous suppression of a large aspect of that confidence, which is an embracing of a more feminine nature than men often carry. I think the definition of masculinity in a wider context nw is undoing a lot of that, which I think is great. It's much more widely accepted to be in touch with other qualities of your masculinity. I'm of a mind that the core tenancy of modern masculinity still resonates with an ancient understanding of out roles within society, whilst simultaneously accepting that society is changing, and adapting to a viw that is fresh. For me, some fundamental tendencies still exist within masculinity, which are a kind of caretaking role, respect for your fellows and an ability to provide. But I think unlike two of three generations ago when the concept of provision was a financial definition, now the concept of the provider includes a) providing and caring for yourself and b) providing and caring for people you love emotionally. I believe part of the redefinition is the ability to recognise what aspects of yourself are affecting your emotions and how can you understand that side of yourself. Understand how to resonate and become more empathetic with the people in your lif. I think sexuality for men, in the States or in the west really, still preaches a lot of elimination of weakness. I can only speak from my own experience, but I am my strongest form when I can fully comprehend why I'm thinking a certain way and what is bringing me to an action. I'm of a mind that true strenght is the ability to take care of yourself without harming other people in the  process. And I think, if your masculinity involves the destruction of anther person's masculinity, because it's an opposition to yours, we have to break down and understand that this is because you ultimately feel threatened by a version that is different to yourself. Masculinity and strenght are the products of your ability to feel secure with all sides of yourself. However you find that security, as long as it's not the destruction of another person's security, is in my opinion, the modern form of masculinity. 'Riverdale' season two! Season ne left us with unanswered questions. What can you tell us, and what's in store for Jughead. Jughead was originally Archie's conscious, and in the final episode of season one he was revealed as the soul of Riverdale - as the moral underpinning of a society that is going to through tremendous moral fluentation. The audience can view Jughead and whatever happens to Jughead as either an enlightening or destruction of the soul of Riverdale. If the sould of Riverdale is being confrtonted with these problems, what does that mean for the town as a whole? In this season he finds himself with one foot in the north side and one foot in the south side, with an impending civil war on the horizon - shaking his previous standing, of conscientious objector and this observer, forcing his hand into play. In this season, Jughead  is very much learning that you can't make everyone happy, and that his fear of involving himself in the issues that are surrounding him was actually a fear of him suffering or making anyone displeased with him as a person. He has to address and embrace the fact that he's going to make people unhappy, and that it is part of his life. All this drama, but one thing is central throughout the show; those kids would do anything for each other in the midst of all that chaos. Yes, what 75 years of it being a comic has allowed us to do is not having to explain how deeply connected the characters are episode after episode. These characters are so well established in the comic lineage that people don't need a backstory on them, which has given us a lot of flexibility. Having taken time off from acting to live in 'the real world', now having returned and also doing your own photography - how do you feel you're developing as an artist? For the longest time I was working on projects and taking jobs that I didn't really resonate with the way I do now with my projects. My photography gave me a tremendous amount of self-confidence, which comes back to masculinity and all those things we talked about. The ability to express myself in a vulnerable way and show my eye in a curated personal gallery space, game me great confidence. That confidence has now lent itself to a personal artistic lineage taht has given me a foot in the door to the creation of passion projects that I would never have had the ability to do if I hadn't made myself vulnerable enough - which I'm very thankful for. I think, my acting and my photography are two completely different arts. acting for me is an empathetic creation of a character you're trying to breathe and weave life into, but you're essentially a cipher for other people's narratives. You are playing with the tools in someone else's toolbox. Photography allows me to express precisely what I want to express, using all the tools in my own toolbox, with the assistance of people who want to play the part of cipher for me. I think the meeting of both of those worlds will eventually culminate in a directorial professional pursuit. I'm trying to find ways of blending those two worlds, so I could come out with narratives and stories that truly resonate with people people from both an acting perspective and a photographic perspective. You mentioned that there is a certain loneliness that comes with celebrity. With the success of your return, without your brother this time, putting you right back in the limelight - how are you handling this now? I experience it in a different way now, because I made the conscious decision to return, and I understand that fanaticism is part of celebrity culture. The loneliness that comes with it now is something I'm much more prepared for after I took rim away to understand myself. When I was a child it was a much different story, because I hadn't made the choice to immerse myself in a world of fanaticism. It also had repercussions, which it took me a long time to deal with. Some people find religion, some people do drugs, some people branch out sexually - everyone has their own way of dealing with it. I chose education. That's a pretty healthy way of dealing with it. I thought it would be. Me choosing education also gave me an ability to be much more prepared for what I'm immersed in now. It feels better. What dreams are next on the agenda for you? I'd like to start doing films. I would like to act in a challenging roles, and make films as well. I think the culmination of my acting and photography is the inevitable conclussion of a sort of directorial debut.  I think you're too much of a creative to eventually not get involved in making movies. I truly believe that. You have too much to express. I hope, eventually, but I also feel like I need a lot more time and experience in other aspects. I think acting wise, my brother and I have consistently been in competition with an image of ourselves in the past, and the industry's image of us as studio money makers and our ability to pull an audience. Now that I've been trained well enough, I'm more prepared as an actor to take on the kind of challenging roles that I aspire to. What type of roles would you like to play? Just different. Every time. But human roles where each one is different from the next - something I can sit back and be proud of. I'd love to see you do some really emotive roles. Your performance as Jughead already hits me straight in the heart. Excellent, I appreciate taht. The only thing that's stopping my brother and I now is other people's perception. I think you're doing a really good job in changing that perception. That's the hope, and over time and by doing the right thing consistently, I think people will start to get it. That was the long-term grudge to bear when we were going to college and thinking about how we were going to play it right and be comfortable with this. For us, the answer was always to do something interesting, and simply: be good people. What mark do you want to leave on the world? For years and years I looked at the arts as something less than the sciences. I thought the truest way to make my mark on the world would be to push human knowledge forward in some way or shape. I started taking archaeology as a an attempt to leave a mark on the world, and I had taken a class about palaeolithic civilisation and I brought up art as a luxury - essentially I was saying that art was something that came after the bellies were full, the sleep was had and the thirst was quenched. My professor corrected me pretty firmly in front of the entire class, and said that art, storytelling, myth and oral narration was hands down the only way humans were able to survive. The ability to portray a message was redefined to me as necessary to life itself. Artistry, if we look at it historically, is always the product of its time period. The greatest artists were always the ones that had a full comprehension of the society around them, and the ability to tactfully push the edges of their society - broaden it just a bit. Now we live in an age where the boundaries of society are no longer strict and inflexible, but rather something all-encompassing. Figures like John Lennon, Gandhi and Martin Luther King JR. - all these men had one thing in common: they all preached peace and love as the fundamentals to the operation of a healthy society - and all those guys were murdered. So I've got to figure out a way to preach that without getting murdered, haha.

[victor-v]

so yesterday i finished all for the game for the second time in my life (weird thing i've never read a book or series twice) and it wrecked me for the second time. it was unexpectedly nice that i actually understood everything with so much clarity, but that makes sense i've got lot of practice in reading english since then. also, i wrote my thoughts on the book this time.

i can't understand how a book can have such an impact on me, i hate that and i love it, everything else that crossed my mind is under the cut

★huh andrew really bullied aaron into dressing identical to mess up with neil

★"i don't swing either way" is the phrase that made me feel more valid that the whole queer community ever

★neil is pure nihilism

★how can i EVER forget neil wore a tight long sleeved TORN tshirt that andrew bought this is way too much

★seth is dead and all kevin can think about is the line up tbh i do that often

★they are making a scandal about how they sit

★kevin telling neil "destroy him" filled me with power

★the most unreal part is neil ALWAYS keeping his roots another colour the guy must dye his hair every fucking week

★how did neil buy andrew's promise to protect him from the japanese mafia's professional murderers when the only people he physically bullies is an obsessive young adult with anxiety, a princess in high heels and his sunshine sister in law

★wait a fucking minute andrew saw neil filled with terror while holding the phone and immediately gave him the car keys so he could be alone fuck

★nicky fucking hemmick attended to improv class

★ according to dan few athletes were crude enough to start trouble at an ERC event, you mean as crude as neil?

★how to take care of your teammate while he's in a crisis according to: andrew→show concern and reassure him. wymack→10 seconds of vodka

★"hey, jean. jean valjean" is peak comedy

★the ravens walking in v formation is genuinely the most cringy thing you can think of

★neil first finds out the only possible person to date him is andrew because he was jealous of renee are you kidding me

★andrew only missed 13 from 150 shots on goal for fucking real what a Man

★renee is an angel, she's specifically andrew's angel

★neil truly is a watcher

★bee wearing a bee costume is the only good thing on this world

★dan and matt dressed like greek gods!!!!! they can adopt me already

★can you believe nicky is the one who got into neil's brain and planted the idea of realying on someone, and since then neil actively pursues an investigation on andrew's relationship status how on god's name i missed that HOW he's not even subtle about it damn

★he first worries about renee now about kevin goddamn it josten how can't you se how much you care about him

★it's funny how sexuality is such a heavy topic between them when they sure as fuck have some pretty huge stuff going on you know like dying in the hands of the mafia or being tortured

★i imagine andrew running to renee all bonkers like "listen if the cute guy asks, for fucks sake tell him i'm gay but make it ~casual~ maybe this way he'll get it"

★the sole mention of thanksgiving dinner makes me want to die

★kevin is checking the scores in a newspaper I forget this book is so 00's

★they should have spent the day eating turkey and frozen pie at abby's fuckkkkkkkk

★are you kidding me they are in the middle of a conversation and andrew casually chokes neil a little but it's ok they carry on wtf

★"we are all going to regret this" is the fucking worse piece of foreshadowing in this book

★neil interrogating andrew the same night he was raped what kind of fucking piece of shit does that

★i can't fucking believe neil went ahead and shoved andrew's hand under his tshirt in front of kevin, wymack, betsy and two fucking lawyers are you kidding me

★neil asking "are we? friends?" to nicky is so relatable because i also would have an aneurysm if someone told me i am their friend

★someone else tries to flirt with him and he immediately considers andrew how i was too ace to see it the first time i read

★jesus fucking christ riko is one truly fucked up sociopath and neil is the bravest motherfucker on the land

★how can he face riko like that in the nest and be extremely pure in other occasion

★"are we watching the ball drop? i want to make a wish" he wants to make a wish and i want to die thanks

★i can't believe the whole if it means losing you then no and side effect of the drugs shit it's unreal fucking unreal how oblivious neil is too ace to realize anything SOMEONE JUST CALLED YOU "DREAM" THE LEVEL OF ROMANTICISM

★the amount of heavy staring in this trilogy is ridiculous and all i can think about is twilight

★these books made me see how far from the 00s we are, for many reasons, but mostly for some jokes that can't let slide; like calling neil a battered wife, domestic misogynistic violence is not a joke

★i can't believe from all people, wymack was the first one to get andrew was into neil

★"that doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you" is such a funny phrase to be said casually why is it

★"you are a racoon, not a fox" oh andrew

★it only took andrew admitting he had a crush for neil to be all sentimental and shit, and that disarmed andrew too

★they are like some kind of animal that while you think they are fighting, they are actually mating, that's exactly what nora meant with feral

★half of last book is neil mooning over andrew jfc

★nicky made neil smile while distracting him from riko im gonna throw myself off a cliff

★i can't quite believe neil goes through a detailed monologue about andrews memory the man is impressed and borderline turned on about every talent on his crushe's shelf

★i literally can't follow and will never understand the quarrel/promise/agreement between aaron and andrew what a bunch of pretentious idiots

★every time neil's phone buzzes all i fear is the fucking countdown

★i thought "i want to see you lose control" was a collective fever dream i can't believe it's written on the books

★if i was nicky i already have told andrew to stop his freaky pretentious shit towards me

★neil to the upperclassman: ha ha fellas is it gay to unthinkingly call andrew in the middle of a anxiety breakdown

★"you gave me a key and called it home" is as soft as heartbreaking i want to jump off a cliff

★"i won't be like them, i wont let you let me be" is actually pushing me off that cliff andrews feelings are a fucking storm

★neil was kidnapped and tortured the day of my bday and that's not a coincidence

★neil's talent to twist the truth in order to convince andrew of anything is outstanding

★excuse me they have no right to be this soft i hate them

★they miss so many opportunities to be funny about the whole "protection" thing

★did he really had a mental breakdown over where to fucking sit on the bus lmao

★"don't come crying to me when someone breaks your face" is the second most awful piece of foreshadowing

★lets be honest for a second andrew should be a fucking writer because all those things he says? edgy myspace pretentious poetry

★im sorry but i don't care about literally anything except neil smiling onto andrew's neck bye

★andrew ghosted a kiss across neil's hip im dead for real

★abby kissed neil's forehead farewell after cleaning all his injuries i have no words he's recieving all the affection he deserves

★cant believe you don't see aaron is fucking worried neil is taking advantage of andrew

★i mean yeah ok don't talk love but neil is sad that nicky thinks it was only hate sex, and he immediately acknowledged it meant more than that to him bc his demi btw wtf does hate sex mean i can't believe you hate someone so much you wanna suck his dick

★they all went horseback riding when will i have a group of friends like that

★"who's humanising who in that relationship" i know right nicky

★kevin locking himself to have a panic attack is the most relatable thing

★the car encounter with ichirou holds the same tension as a mr robot scene

★the proposal of playing olympics and being unstoppable feels like marriage or smth

★neil is literally having his hot girl summer

★i adore neil's overflow of emotions after swallowing everything for so many years. represented, thanks.

★andrew terrorising katelyn who the fuck does he think he is what an annoying asshole

★"did you know i've never been skiing" is the most epic line

★i cheer to the sole mention of laila

★alvares can deck me right now and i would say thank you

★"war is profitable" aaron knows what's up

★sometimes i want to slap them is2g

★that scene at eden's where they are all discussing how roland found out and aaron ends up being the only straight one lmao boy it's your punishment for being so homophobic

★the whole "deadliest piece on the board" spech is 100 times better when you consider kevin was wasted and overly exaggerating every word and gesture

★can you imagine those few fans supporting kevin's new tattoo screaming YAAAAASSSSS QUEEEEEEEEEN while snapping fingers i'm cackling

★matt in court body slamming into anyone that's been a problem to the foxes: VIBE CHECK MOTHERFUCKER

★neil kissed andrew in castle fucking evermore the audacity i adore him

[mchenryjd]

2017 in Review

Necessarily incomplete, mostly for my personal record. I will probably regret this.

MOVIES

10.  mother!

Got to a screening late, had to sit in the third show, could barely tell what was happening and spent most of the movie staring at J. Law’s flared nostrils. An ideal viewing experience.

9.     Personal Shopper

Nothing captures the purposeful emptiness of spending time online like Kristen Stewart texting a ghost.

8.     Get Out

I kept telling my dad this movie was funny to get him to see it, not realizing he didn’t already know it was a horror movie. Afterwards, he texted me, “that was not a comedy!” Feels like that’s enough a metaphor. Daniel Kaluuya for best actor.

7.     Star Wars: The Last Jedi

A Star Wars movie about loving Star Wars movies, which means loving the epic, silly struggle between good and epic, loving the spiral staircase that is John Williams’s force theme, loving it when character always do the coolest possible thing followed by the next coolest possible thing, loving dumb furry creatures and sarcastic slimy ones, loving it when characters kiss when you want them to kiss, loving the hundred-million-dollar sandbox of it all. After the constricted dance steps of The Force Awakens and Rogue One, give me this bleeding freestyle any day.

6.     Phantom Thread

Finally, proof that everyone in a serious relationship has lost it.

5.     Call Me By Your Name

I refuse to believe that being stuck in rural Italy would be anything other than deadly boring and if my father insisted on turning everything into a lecture on classical art, I would run away. Also, there’s a contrast between the book (vague on the details of place and time, vividly specific on matters of sex) and the film (more contextually specific, sexier, but less horny than the original). Also, who am I kidding, I was moved and unsettled by the force of the thing. *Michael Stuhlbarg voice* Pray you get a chance to fall in love like this.

4.     Dunkirk

Having your tense, churning, clanking, thrumming, score transform into Elgar right when the beautiful, imperiled young heroes are reading a stirring speech (and Tom Hardy is heroically sacrificing himself in what looks like the middle of a Turner painting) is a level of craft so deft if feels like cheating, but it works.

3.     BPM

A film about a community in danger that acts as both a memorial to and rallying cry for that community. Uncompromising, accommodating, queer in the best way, BPM makes you want to cry and go dancing at the same time.

2.     Columbus

The kind of movie that makes you want to get in a car and keep driving until you find something beautiful, it has stuck and expanded in my memory ever since I saw it over the summer. Like the architecture that looms large in the setting, the plot can feel uncomfortably schematic – John Cho wants to leave and gets  stuck, Haley Lu Richardson is stuck and gets to leave. The question is how people live within, and blur the edges of, those confines. John Cho has a winning, curdled decency; Haley Lu Richardson gives the hardest kind of performance, in that she often seems unaware of her character’s own wants. I’d watch her quietly assemble dinner for hours on end.

1.     Lady Bird  

A movie that feels less plotted and more prefigured – every fight between Lady Bird has happened before, every high school landmark lumbers by with inevitability, every boy disappoints in the way you expect. What redeems all this? Paying attention, which is also love, in this movie’s pseudo-religious sense. Between Lady Bird and Marion, between Lady Bird and Julie, between Lady Bird and Sacramento. Watch people closely, as Greta Gerwig does, and they reveal glimmers of themselves (I know so little, and yet everything, about Stephen McKinley Henderson’s drama teacher from a few moments that feel perfect, in the sense of contained, past-tense completeness). It’ll all so ordinary. Fall in love with it.

Honorable mentions: Regina Hall’s speech about friendship in Girls Trip, Sally Hawkins tracing a droplet with her finger in The Shape of Water, Meryl Streep on the phone in The Post, Cara Delevingne in Valerian, Rihanna in Valerian, the part where the ghost jumped off the building in A Ghost Story, the fact that Power Rangers was surprisingly good, the soldier who gasps as Diana whips out her hair in the trenches in Wonder Woman, Ansel Elgort’s jacket in Baby Driver, whenever anyone tried to explain anything in Alien: Covenant, Elisabeth Moss in The Square, Anh Seo-hyun feeding Okja in Okja, Lois Smith being in movies, the kids eating ice cream in The Florida Project, the Game of Thrones joke in Logan Lucky, Vella Lovell in The Big Sick, and finally, most preciously, the moment in Home Again where Reese Witherspoon kissed Michael Sheen and someone in my theater shouted “she’s not feeling it!”

TELEVISION

10.  The Good Doctor

Listen, he’s a good doctor.

9.     Riverdale

They’re hot. They’re angsty. They do drugs that look like Pixy-Stix. They never seem to do homework. They love to hook-up in weird locations. They have terrible taste in karaoke songs. They love hair dye, and a well-defined eyebrow. They have really hot parents. They’re TV teens! I love it.

8.     Insecure

This is just to say that I am far too invested in Molly’s happiness as a person. I would also like to view a full season of Due North.

7.     American Vandal

From Alex Trimboli to Christa Carlyle, the best names on TV are on this show. Also the best reenactments, and somehow the most incisive take on what fuels, and results from TV’s true-crime obsession. Jimmy Tatro mumbling!

6.     Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

More shows should take the opportunity to explode in their third seasons, rocket forward at full speed, diagnose their main characters, and give Josh Groban wonderful, unexplainable cameos.

5.     Alias Grace

A show that conjured a performance for the ages out of Sarah Gadon and somehow made Zachary Levi palatable as a dramatic actor, this miracle of collaboration between Mary Harron and Sarah Polley is all the better for being binged. Down it in an afternoon, think of Grace under her black veil, daring you to disbelieve her, for years to come.

4.     Twin Peaks: The Return

A show that drove nostalgia into itself like a knife to the chest. Totally absurd. The best revival/exorcism yet on TV.

3.     Please Like Me

“Sorry about your life.” “I’m sorry about your life.” In a time when things tend to peter out, what a final season, in which everything goes to shit and then some. Maybe TV’s most prickly comedy, Please Like Me’s heart is of the “stumble along and keep going” sort and never does it test itself as much as it did with this bleak, pastel final statement.

2.     The Leftovers

Do you believe Nora Durst’s story? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I think it sounds ridiculous. Sometimes I relax in the comfortable, academic premise that it only matters that Kevin does. It’s a haunting idea, though, this image of world even emptier than The Leftovers’s own, where it’s possible to wander for untold time in darkness. Carrie Coon’s description of it is a kind of journey to the underworld – we’re there with her, maybe, and then we make it back, maybe. The trick of The Leftovers is the wound’s never fully healed.

1.     Halt and Catch Fire

The world changes. People sorta don’t.

Honorable mentions: the twist in The Good Place, the Taylor Swift demon character in Neo Yokio, Claire Foy on The Crown, Vanessa Kirby on The Crown, the stand-up in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Cristin Milioti in Black Mirror, the televised Academy Awards ceremony, the weeks when Netflix didn’t release new TV shows I had to watch, Girls’s “American Bitch,” the fact that Adam Driver is both in Girls and Star Wars, Keri Russell and Matthew Rhys performances on The Americans (and life in Brooklyn), the moments in Game of Thrones that were good enough to make me stop thinking about what people would write about Game of Thrones, season 2 of The Magicians’s resistance to any sort of plot logic, Jane the Virgin’s narrator, Nicole Kidman at therapy on Big Little Lies, Reese Witherspoon’s production of Avenue Q in Big Little Lies, Alexis Bledel holding things in The Handmaid’s Tale, Maggie Gyllenhaal directing porn in The Deuce, Alison Brie’s terrible Russian accent in Glow, Maya Rudolph in Big Mouth, Cush Jumbo miming oral sex with a pen in court in The Good Fight, the calming experience of watching new episodes of Superstore and Great News on Fridays, Eden Sher in The Middle, the fake books they make up for Younger, and Rihanna livestreaming herself watching Bates Motel.

THEATER

10.  Indecent

History, identity, community all mangled together in something that’s both excavation and revivification. I’m so mad I didn’t get to see it with my mom.

9.     Mary Jane

A nightmare that goes from bad to worse, which Carrie Coon performed with the endurance of a saint.

8.     SpongeBob SquarePants

Highlights: The tap number, the Fiddler on the Roof joke, the many uses of pool noodles, David Zinn’s design in general, the arms, the volcano setpiece, the fact that somehow I kept laughing for two-and-a-half hours at something SpongeBob SquarePants. Tina Landau, you’re a hero.

7.     Hello, Dolly!

I had a wonderful viewing experience like this, in that I sat alone on an aisle next to an older gay man who turned to me right when the curtain came down on the first act and said, “man, we love Bette.” (Shout out to any and all gags involving the whale.)

6.     Groundhog Day

Proof you can dig deeper into the material you’re adapting and still find more. Sometimes, the funniest gags come out of old-fashioned repetition. Andy Karl has the Rolex-like ability to make it all speed by without revealing any of the ticks, and then wallop you in the second act.  

5.     The Glass Menagerie

A lot of unconventional ideas piled onto each other that go so far into strange territory that they loop back around to being immediate. Maybe distant to some, but enough to unsettle me. I can still smell the onstage rain.

4.     The Wolves

A sign of a good play is probably that you remain invested in the characters long after you see it, and I’m going to spend so much time worrying about all the girls on the soccer team in The Wolves for the rest of my life.

3.     The Band’s Visit

Katrina Lenk has a gorgeous voice. Tony Shalhoub is restrained to the point that he could move his baton with nanometer accuracy. The songs are transporting. But most of all, The Band’s Visit manages to capture loneliness better than nearly any musical I’ve seen. Everyone, audience included, experiences something together, and then it all, slowly, both lingers and drifts apart.

2.     A Doll’s House, Part 2

What, you think I wasn’t going to include a play with a Laurie Metcalf performance? ADHP2 is perhaps clever to a fault in its set-up, but in the right hands, it turns into something both funny and moving – a story about what it takes to become a complete person, in or outside the influence of other people. Nora’s monologue about living in silence near the end is the full of the kind of simple statements that are so hard to act, and so brilliant when done just right.

1.     The Antipodes

Both an extended meditation on what it means to run out of stories and a brutal subtweet of Los Angeles, The Antipodes is my kind of play, in that it’s mostly people talking, Josh Charles is involved and very disgruntled, and everyone eats a lot of take out.

Honorable mentions: the music in Sunday in the Park With George, the pies in Sweeney Todd, the ensemble of Come From Away, seeing Dave Malloy in The Great Comet of 1812, Alex Newell’s “Mama Will Provide” in Once on This Island, Cate Blanchet having fun in The Present, Imelda Staunton in the NTLive Follies, Michael Urie in Torch Song, Patti LuPone’s accent(s) in War Paint, Ashley Park in KPOP, and Gleb.