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enchantedquill-40 · 8 months

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Title: "Silent Echoes: Rediscovering Resilience in Atlantis"

In the solitude of his lab, Rodney found solace among the hum of machinery and the glow of computer screens. He immersed himself in equations and calculations, seeking refuge from the relentless onslaught of verbal and physical assaults. The camaraderie he had once cherished shattered into fragments of betrayal, leaving him isolated within the city he had helped to save countless times.

As Rodney distanced himself, the team noticed the void he left behind. Yet, instead of remorse, their interactions with him grew colder, fueled by resentment and disdain. The once tight-knit group had become a collection of strangers, and Rodney became the outcast, the one who bore the brunt of their frustrations.

Locked within the confines of his emotions, Rodney struggled to reconcile the person he was with the one they portrayed him to be. The laughter he once shared with his team transformed into echoes of mockery that reverberated through his thoughts. With each passing day, he questioned whether his contributions to the team were worth the relentless persecution.

Desperation fueled his determination to prove his worth. Rodney immersed himself in work, throwing himself into solving problems and unlocking the secrets of Ancient technology. The more he achieved, the more he hoped to gain the acceptance and respect he craved. Yet, the team's attitude persisted, an unyielding force that eroded his self-esteem.

As Rodney's isolation deepened, a glimmer of empathy emerged from an unexpected source. Teyla, observant and understanding, reached out, recognizing the pain hidden behind Rodney's stoic exterior. Her quiet support became a lifeline, a connection to humanity in the face of adversity.

Slowly, Rodney began to thaw. Teyla's compassion served as a catalyst, breaking through the walls he had erected. With her encouragement, he tentatively reengaged with the team, confronting the hurt and addressing the misconceptions that had driven them apart.

The journey toward healing was arduous, but Rodney's resilience prevailed. Through vulnerability and understanding, he reclaimed his place within the team, forging a path towards redemption and a renewed sense of belonging. The scars remained, a testament to the trials endured, but Rodney emerged stronger, proving that even in the darkest moments, the light of camaraderie could find its way back. The wounds inflicted upon Rodney left scars that ran far deeper than the superficial fractures of camaraderie. Trust, once freely given, became a precious commodity he guarded fiercely. The constant barrage of insults and betrayals had instilled a profound fear of vulnerability, prompting Rodney to retreat even further within himself.

His sanctuary became the labyrinthine corridors of Atlantis, a sprawling city that mirrored the complexity of his own emotions. Driven by a desperate need for isolation, Rodney traversed the city's vast expanse, seeking refuge in its hidden corners and forgotten spaces. The hum of machinery and distant echoes of footsteps became the only companions he allowed.

Always moving, never settling, Rodney distanced himself from anyone who attempted to breach the fortress he had constructed. The once vibrant scientist moved like a ghost through the city, leaving behind a trail of solitude. The piercing blue glow of Ancient technology illuminated his solitary path as he sought solace in the silence that surrounded him.

His interactions with the team became scarce, limited to necessary mission briefings and technical discussions. The walls he had erected were impenetrable, shielding him from the potential pain of betrayal. Even Teyla's attempts to reconnect were met with guarded responses, as Rodney struggled to overcome the deep-seated mistrust that had taken root within him.

The city became both his haven and his prison. As he delved into its hidden recesses, Rodney found a peculiar solace in the enigmatic beauty of Atlantis. The ancient architecture became a reflection of his own intricate psyche, a maze of emotions he navigated with caution. Yet, no matter how far he ventured into the city's depths, he couldn't escape the echoes of the past that haunted him.

Despite his self-imposed isolation, the team sensed Rodney's withdrawal. Concern etched their faces, but any attempt to breach the walls he had erected was met with a stoic facade. The more they tried, the more he retreated, a self-imposed exile that seemed destined to become permanent.

Yet, Atlantis held secrets of its own. The city's artificial intelligence, embodied by the ever-watchful presence of the control room, observed Rodney's movements. Understanding the pain he carried, the city itself became a silent ally, subtly guiding him towards the path of healing.

One day, in a quiet moment of introspection, Rodney found himself standing before the iconic Stargate. The event horizon shimmered with possibilities, a symbol of the unknown. In that moment, something shifted within him. The city's silent support and the tangible gateway to new horizons sparked a flicker of hope.

Slowly, tentatively, Rodney began to reconsider the walls he had erected. The journey towards trust and self-discovery was a gradual one, marked by introspection and the realization that isolation offered no true refuge. With each step back towards connection, Rodney forged a path to rebuild not only the bridges with his team but also the fractured pieces of himself.

The scars remained, a testament to the battles fought within the recesses of his own mind. Yet, as Rodney rediscovered the strength in vulnerability, Atlantis stood as a silent witness to the resilience of the human spirit within its ancient walls. As threats loomed over Atlantis, Rodney found himself entrenched in the heart of the city, navigating its intricate passageways like a shadow. Even in the face of imminent danger, he resisted the call to return, his isolation becoming a fortress against the chaos outside.

John's voice echoed through the inner comms, a plea to bring Rodney back to the forefront of the team. Yet, the pleas fell on deaf ears as Rodney remained steadfast, his focus consumed by the intricate workings of Ancient technology. The urgency in John's tone, the concern in Jenny's attempts—all futile against the barricade Rodney had erected around himself.

Within the depths of Atlantis, Rodney delved into the heart of its systems, attempting to decipher the complexities that could save the city. The relentless pursuit of knowledge became both his armor and his escape from the harsh realities of interpersonal turmoil. The more they implored him to return, the deeper he retreated into the sanctuary of his work.

Even his sister Jenny, aware of the turmoil within Rodney's soul, couldn't penetrate the walls he had constructed. Her attempts to coax him back to the team were met with a stubborn resolve, as if Rodney had become a prisoner of his own isolation. The sibling bond, once a source of strength, now strained under the weight of his withdrawal.

John, frustrated and desperate, continued to reach out over the inner comms, attempting to bridge the gap that had formed between them. The team, sensing the absence of their brilliant yet elusive comrade, faced the challenges without his expertise. The once cohesive unit now operated with a palpable void, each mission a reminder of the missing link within their dynamic.

In the heart of the city, surrounded by the hum of machinery and the glow of Ancient technology, Rodney wrestled with his own demons. The battle outside Atlantis mirrored the internal struggles he grappled with—a war of emotions waged far from the prying eyes of his teammates.

As the threats intensified, Rodney's isolation became a double-edged sword. While his expertise and insight were sorely missed, his absence also fueled a growing desperation among the team. It was a delicate balance, one that forced them to confront the consequences of their actions and the toll it took on the collective strength of their unit.

Yet, within the labyrinthine corridors, a subtle transformation took place. The city, attuned to the pulse of its inhabitants, began to nudge Rodney towards the realization that true strength lay not only in technological prowess but also in the bonds forged with those who stood beside him. The inner comms continued to crackle with John's appeals, a persistent reminder that sometimes, the greatest battles were fought not against external threats, but within the recesses of one's own heart. John's footsteps echoed through the dimly lit corridors of Atlantis as he followed the coordinates that pinpointed Rodney's location. The urgency in his voice over the inner comms reflected the gravity of the situation, the realization that they couldn't face the looming threat without Rodney's expertise.

As John turned a corner, he stumbled upon the heart of Rodney's self-imposed exile. The room, bathed in the soft glow of Ancient technology, revealed a stark contrast to the bustling energy of the city outside. And there, hunched over a console, was Rodney—a mere shadow of the vibrant scientist they once knew.

"Rodney," John's voice carried a mix of relief and disbelief. The sight before him was staggering. Rodney, once filled with exuberance, appeared gaunt and frail. The flicker of the console reflected in his hollow eyes as he turned to face John.

John's shock was palpable. The man standing before him bore little resemblance to the confident, sharp-witted Rodney McKay he had come to rely on. The toll of isolation and self-imposed starvation had left Rodney's frame skeletal, a haunting image of someone who had sacrificed more than anyone should bear.

"We need your help, Rodney," John spoke, urgency cutting through the silence. The plea hung in the air, a fragile thread connecting them in a moment that transcended their strained camaraderie.

Rodney's response was guarded, a mix of fear and defiance evident in his eyes. The trust shattered by relentless attacks and betrayal lingered, casting a shadow over the vulnerability he now displayed. The team's pleas, once dismissed, echoed within the confines of the room, and Rodney grappled with the internal conflict of whether to emerge from his self-imposed exile.

John, wrestling with the revelation of Rodney's physical state, took a step closer. "We can't do this without you. Atlantis needs you. We need you," he implored, his voice carrying the weight of both desperation and concern.

The vulnerability in Rodney's gaze wavered as a wave of fear washed over him. The scars of past betrayals had etched deep into his psyche, leaving him apprehensive about rejoining the very team that had once turned against him. The inner struggle played out on his emaciated features, a battle between the yearning for connection and the fear of repeating past traumas.

As John extended a hand, Rodney hesitated, the tension in the room thickening. The vulnerability of this moment laid bare the fractures within their team, inviting a reckoning that went beyond the imminent threat facing Atlantis.

In that vulnerable space, John glimpsed the depths of Rodney's suffering. The once unyielding scientist, reduced to a fragile state, teetered on the edge of surrendering to the outstretched hand. The realization that their actions had driven Rodney to this point was a bitter pill for John to swallow.

"Rodney, we're not whole without you," John spoke, his tone softening. The room seemed to hold its breath as Rodney finally, tentatively, accepted the offered hand. The touch marked a fragile truce, a bridge being rebuilt between a team that had been fractured by misunderstanding and betrayal.

In the days that followed, the team worked together to face the impending threat. Rodney, though physically weakened, brought his unparalleled brilliance to the forefront. The process of healing was slow, the scars both visible and hidden, but Atlantis, resilient as ever, bore witness to the mending of bonds that had once seemed irreparably broken.

The echoes of Rodney's withdrawal lingered, a reminder of the fragility of trust. Yet, as Atlantis faced the challenges ahead, the team discovered that true strength lay not only in their technological prowess but in the resilience of their connections—a newfound understanding that emerged from the shadows of isolation. As the team rallied against the impending threat, Rodney's involvement remained a delicate dance on the fringes of connection. The wounds of betrayal ran deep, and even as he contributed his unparalleled expertise, a lingering fear overshadowed the tentative truce within the team.

"I'll help, but I don't want to be found again," Rodney asserted, his voice tinged with a mixture of determination and vulnerability. The scars of the past still fresh, he was willing to lend his brilliance to the cause but not at the cost of reopening the wounds inflicted upon him.

John, torn between gratitude for Rodney's expertise and the weight of past mistakes, nodded solemnly. The unspoken understanding hung in the air—the delicate balance they had struck was fragile, and Rodney's terms were clear.

"I come back to help, to move, but I'm no longer your teammate," Rodney continued, drawing a line in the sand. The dynamics that once defined their camaraderie were forever altered, and Rodney was unwilling to risk further heartache by fully recommitting to the team.

The sentiment rippled through the group, each member grappling with the implications of Rodney's conditions. Teyla, ever perceptive, recognized the pain etched in Rodney's eyes and the fragility of the trust he was extending. She approached him, her gaze a mix of empathy and silent support.

"Rodney, we understand," Teyla spoke softly, acknowledging the unspoken pain that lingered. "Your contribution is invaluable, and we respect your boundaries. We're here to face the threat together."

Rodney, appreciative of Teyla's understanding, offered a hesitant nod. The unspoken acknowledgment of his worth resonated, a fragile bridge being built between the fractured remnants of their team.

As the mission unfolded, Rodney's brilliance shone through, and the team couldn't deny the profound impact of his contributions. Yet, the shadow of his self-imposed exile loomed, a constant reminder that the wounds inflicted upon their team ran deeper than the immediate crisis.

In the quiet moments between tasks, Rodney retreated into the solitude he had grown accustomed to. The city's vast expanse became his refuge, a space where he could contribute without fully exposing himself to the vulnerabilities of camaraderie. The team, aware of the delicate balance, allowed Rodney his space, understanding that healing was a process that required time and patience.

The threat subsided, but the scars remained, etched into the fabric of their team dynamics. Rodney's proclamation—no longer teammates—cast a bittersweet pall over their shared victories. The city, witness to the ebb and flow of their connections, stood as a silent testament to the resilience of those who navigated its corridors.

In the aftermath, Rodney made it clear that he wouldn't return to Earth. The sanctuary of Atlantis, despite its tumultuous history, had become his home. Earth, once a distant haven, held too many painful memories, and Rodney was unwilling to risk facing those demons again.

"I won't go back," Rodney declared, a note of finality in his voice. The decision resonated with a sense of self-preservation, a commitment to safeguard his newfound stability within the ancient city's walls.

The team, grappling with the weight of their own mistakes, respected Rodney's choice. Each member recognized that the path forward involved a redefined connection—one that acknowledged the scars of the past and allowed for the possibility of healing without fully erasing the history that had shaped them.

In the quiet corners of Atlantis, Rodney found a semblance of peace. The city, with its endless mysteries and hidden wonders, became both witness and guardian to the intricate dance of healing and rebuilding that unfolded. The scars of betrayal may have shaped the contours of their relationships, but within those scars emerged a resilience that transcended the fractures of the past.

As Atlantis continued to stand as a beacon against the vastness of space, Rodney McKay, no longer just a teammate, found a new sense of belonging—a complex tapestry woven from the threads of resilience, understanding, and the unwavering strength of a city that harbored both wounds and wonders within its ancient embrace.

#stargate atlantis #fanfic #syfyedit #hurt/comfort #sad thoughts #rodney mckay #hurtful #friendship #shorts #AtlantisAdventures

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black-coffee-and-sugar · 3 years

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6x13: The Gauntlet

Two enjoyable episodes back-to-back? I'm shook! Obviously 6x13 lacks the serious messaging and emotional weight of last week's episode but the silliness of it was actually entertaining. My thoughts:

- opening scene is a supercorp hug. christ y'all need to warn people! i was not ready. the way kara's face lit up when she saw lena, the way lena smiled back at her. the way they hugged fully pressed. my heart is full.

- kara n lena immediately whisking away to the fortress right after that for some alone time. i love where your head is at kara 😏

- look at dansen being all cute and shit! who gave them the right honestly?

- glad they continued with kelly still processing the stuff from last episode. and alex is really trying to do better. dansen is the example to follow when it comes to healthy adult relationships. i really didn't think this show was capable.

- it's getting harder and harder to like andrea

- i actually forgot willy was shot last season. and they worked through his trauma off screen. what was the point of showing him getting a blast of courage if we weren't going to see him face his fears and shit. y'all really don't like deep topics huh.

- andrea: where's the journalist i hired?

apparently crisis changed him from a stalkery dickhead to the nice baking guy he is now. sorry girl. valid question tho

- can i just say that everyone was looking exceptionally hot in this episode? like lena, kelly and nxyly in particular jesus help me.

- i haven't enjoyed j'onn this much in so long. he was hilarious. letting that mad scientist lady plummel him in the chest, saying "hold that thought", not moving away from the dragon fire.

- brainy possessed by veeta you could tell jesse was told to just have fun with it

- also did this kryptonian witch just say 'ya mon'?

- lena looking all smol and shit with her little white sneakers and soft clothes and her waterfall hair. kara! kiss this woman already!

- kara in the suit talking privately with lena. honestly never thought i'd see the day

- kara: you really don't believe in magic?

lena: i believe in you

NO ONE TOUCH ME!!!

- this seriously tho this is such a true statement. they both have believed in each other from minute one, when they had no reason to. and yea lena tried to hate kara for a little while but even then, she never stopped believing in kara's compassion and optimism and kara never stopped believing in lena's goodness and brilliance. just say the words 'i love you' explicitly please.

- interesting that kara's test of courage takes place during her rescuing alex's plane and not idk...all the times she was too scared to tell lena. she thinks it's that one random dude she didn't save and not the times with lena (something she admits terrified her). the only thing i can think of for this moment they chose is because yes kara embraced her powers that night but she didn't step out into the public eye as herself, as the last daughter of krypton. she wasn't vulnerable in that respect. because she was scared to be discovered. because she grew up with that fear and need to fit in (she talks about that in later S1). but i will only accept this IF the show ends with kara stepping out into the world fully and no longer having to hide or deny parts of herself. but i also don't see how you make the courage test about telling lena and not have that end with kara admitting she's in love with her so. that might be why.

- nxyly's courage test was actually very sad. i feel for her truly it's not fair what happened. but her being vulnerable about her feelings is interesting because kara still hasn't learned how to do that

- lena having some convenient device to contain the totem just cuz kara needs it. we love handy and resourceful girlfriends

- what was the point of having lena at the museum if she wasn't gonna be affected? y'all copped out!

- that device that was harnessing lightning also somehow made lightning? is that how it works?

- i ASCENDED when i saw alex and lena being the only ones at kara's bedside. like straight out of fanfiction wtf. how many more times are they going to establish that the two most important people in kara's life is alex (her sister and ride or die) and lena (her best friend and perfect partner). how many times before you make this shit canon?!?!

- 'a reluctant earth witch' it's a very interesting way to pronounce lena luthor

- but also, y'all are telling me that a human witch can tap into imp magic? reality warping magic? all-powerful magic? fuck, lena is really on her way to becoming the most powerful being on the planet

- kelly showing up because lena called. im gonna go ahead and assume this indicates that lena and kelly have also spoken about lena ignoring her message. and that they had a meaningful discussion about it and what happened at the ormfell. because as much as i love lena, she deserved to be dragged just as much (if not more) as the superfriends.

- kelly shielding alex was a good visual. kinda stupid but nice.

- dansen couch scene i stopped breathing cuz i swore kelly was about to propose. i love them so much

- supercorp couch scene is where i died because it came at me without warning. kara sans glasses in her civilian clothes. not performing as kara danvers or supergirl. here she's just kara, an alien refugee chilling with her best friend. which is all she ever wanted and she deserves it!

- kara handing lena her plate. stop it!

- but also lena is in the same clothes all episode. which means they left the tower together. and headed straight to kara's apartment. lena definitely slept over in kara's pjs. I'M NOT OKAY!

- this is the first couch scene we got since alex n kara in 6x08. where Kara admits she doesn't want to be alone anymore. and now she isn't because lena is back. god i actually can't.

- kara's face when lena tells her about being a witch. she's so smitten! they're in love your honour

- lena saying that kara is the epitome of courageous with such seriousness and intensity. even though kara tries to brush it off cuz she can't really agree right now, lena means it 100%

- lena's sad face when kara wanted to stay connected to nxyly even though she could get hurt. worried wife energy we love to see it

- poor nxyly must be confused asf

- but also it's canon that kara feels hopeful and happy around lena and no one can take that from me. and it's not just words. kara's behavior is different, she's smiling more, she's opening up. acting choices melissa explain yourself!

not bad at all. we were fed lots of supercorp after months of nothing. they better keep up this momentum. it was lighter episode in terms of emotions and what have you compare to pervious ones. seems like the season is officially kicking off now that lena is back. probably going to have a totem of the week kinda deal but hopefully they include kelly's storyline with the heights cuz i wanna see the conclusion of that.

#supergirl #supercorp #dansen #kara danvers #lena luthor #kelly olsen #alex danvers #brainy #nia nal #6x13 spoilers

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tomorrow-and-tomorrows · 4 years

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Narrative perspective and how cursed techniques become worlds: Gojou Satoru

In a key moment when theorizing about the nature of soul and body, the Brain speculates that “techniques dictate our worlds”. One of the other ways in which technique = world becomes literalized is through the narrative perspective from which we see characters.

Perspective, or point of view, determines our angle of vision through which to perceive character and story. It shapes representation and determines both how and what we are allowed to see.

Gojou

Gojou’s default technique is Limitless, which brings forth the distance that makes it impossible for objects in the world to reach him; neutral Limitless puts an uncrossable distance between himself and the world.

In the one-year timeskip after Riko Amanai’s death, it’s precisely as he’s learning to have his Limitless activated at all times that he and Geto become unable to reach each other. As Gojou’s power increases to sustain this invisible space, an uncrossable distance opens up between the person who was closest to him.

But I think there’s an additional distance that opens up as Gojou’s technique strengthens: The narrative distance preventing access to Gojou’s direct perspective and interiority after the Hidden Inventory Arc.

In contrast to how we were plunged into Geto’s intense introspection, there is nothing of Gojou’s internal thoughts from the immensely important turning point of the Premature Death chapters to ch.79 when he approaches Megumi. During these chapters, his Limitless technique defines his “world” both within the story (physically and interpersonally/emotionally), and on this meta-level of narration.

From then on, Geto and the readers can only observe Gojou from the outside: his inner mind becomes inaccessible and unreachable. So much so that, as readers, we might feel the absence distinctly as if part of the story after the Hidden Inventory arc and during Premature Death arc is altogether missing or incomplete.

In order to understand his words and expressions here, we are required to interpret, to try to bridge that impenetrable space that never lets us get any closer to Gojou. These two moments in particular illustrate this narrative distance, again as the most defining moments of his life, yet we are left looking on from the outside, ever held at a distance from his actual mind.

These two moments are the most defining moments of his life - dealing with losing Geto, and the first step he takes to dedicating his life to raising young allies through education. These moments are angled very similarly; our angle of vision is to look at Gojou, not through Gojou’s perspective.

We get physically close to Gojou’s eyes as possible, but that is the limit: there is a silence, an uncrossable space between us and his interiority. We never get so close as to access his inner thoughts when it is most important. It feels almost impersonal, alienating as readers to not be privy to these turning points in his worldview.

And it’s not just the case in these two singular moments, but the entire situation after the Hidden Inventory arc. How did Gojou emotionally process Riko’s death? What was on his mind during the time he was sent on solo missions no longer accompanied by Geto? How did he feel about Haibara’s death? How much of Geto’s psychological state was he really aware of? How did his reflections on Toji’s last words lead to him reaching out to Megumi?

It’s also the narrative method after he kills Geto in the prequel: we are shut out from his private emotions, only able to see what he chooses to reveal to the external world - nothing more than an inscrutable smile and a brief expression of affection for the person he had just killed. Does he feel guilt? Acceptance? What were his emotions in the moments after Geto’s death? We are denied access to these answers.

Similarly, many of those above questions about the post-Inventory arc situation will never be definitively answered in the way of internal monologue. However, many of them are implicitly answered, just not in a conventional, straightforward way. Rather than understanding him by being able to access his interiority, we are required to construct an understanding of him based on his external actions.

“Narrative says less than it knows, but it often makes known more than it says.” - Gérard Genette, Narrative Discourse

His response to failing to save Riko, to killing Toji, to Geto leaving, and so on -- we see how nearly all his subsequent actions are haunted by and in response to all these events. We don’t get internal monologue recounting what he feels, but we can try to discern how he feels in everything that he does, every decision that he makes throughout the rest of the story. Becoming an educator, finding meaning through raising allies to connect with, saving Megumi from the Zen’in clan, saving Yuta and Yuji from execution, endorsing Maki’s ambition to transform the Zen’in family, seeking change through education rather than violence, shouldering the balance of the both the jujutsu and human world--

In all of these decisions, we get as close to answer as possible of what he feels in response to the personal catastrophes of his youth that he had silently endured: above all, a deep sense of responsibility and a profound internalization of the experiences and painful lessons that come to define his entire life.

It is also no coincidence that, in Shibuya Arc, it is at the same moment the Prison Realm is able to physically overcome the distance of his Limitless technique, that this narrative distance established in chapters 76-79 is crossed for the first time in a meaningful way.

Throughout his fight with Jogo and Hanamai, we do get a some of his internal thoughts, but it’s for the practical purpose of knowing what his strategical deductions are; they tell us nothing substantial about his emotions, hence not what I consider a ‘meaningful’ overcoming of distance.

But as his Limitless utterly fails to prevent the Prison Realm from seizing him, suddenly that object in the world is able to reach him, and the narrative is simultaneously able to ‘reach’ his mind to a greater extent than before. Whilst he had previously successfully shut everything out, now he is suddenly permeable both in body and mind.

More precisely, what I’ve been calling this ‘narrative distance’ is crossed immediately before the physical distance is eliminated. The emotional distance is actually breached before the physical, but ultimately these two results are inseparable from each other.

Finally, we begin to understand directly, through just a momentary glimpse into his interiority, how strongly he feels the loss of his best friend, how present and alive those years of his youth are constantly in his mind. Seeing Suguru’s face after being emotionally and physically drained by his fight is what exposes his vulnerability, a weakness of the heart that we wouldn’t even be sure was still there until this moment.

It’s the delayed emotional insight into Gojou that makes it all the more poignant; we’re well past his Past arc, but it’s only now that we become privy to how heavily those events weigh on his mind. On a first reading, it would require us to slightly re-write what we would’ve understood of Gojou solely based on the previously distant, impersonal feeling we got from those past chapters.

The final major implication of what I’ve been suggesting is how, in light of all this, how to think about the effect of the last real substantial access to his inner thoughts/emotions.

The last meaningful unmediated access we get to Gojou’s inner thoughts/emotions during his Past Arc is this moment when he renounces human emotion and apologizes to Riko for feeling like he’s no longer fighting for her sake.

Even though this is a powerful, lasting impression of his inner mind for readers, it is not the case that this moment of egoism, self-centredness, and renunciation of compassion is completely who Gojou Satoru remains even as an adult. Gojou definitely retains some of those traits in his personality - I don’t want to overlook the extent of his individualistic mentality, self-involvement, and difficulty emotionally considering others. However, his actions in the aftermath of this spiritual transcendence demonstrate that this moment and those characteristics do not define his entire person at the expense of all others.

Again: the narrative distance that deliberately denies readers access to his inner mind after the Hidden Inventory Arc requires us to evaluate his character based on his subsequent actions that demonstrate his movement away from this emotionless, compassionless state, towards motivations that are highly emotionally driven.

Although this renunciation of human emotion and obligation towards Riko is the last substantial thought we receive from Gojou’s direct point of view, his character has not remained static since that temporary moment. On the contrary, he develops drastically from that, though we witness this change from the outside: the Gojou Satoru we see after the one-year timeskip and ten years later in the present day is a largely different Gojou Satoru than the one who feels no anger on behalf of a child he’d failed to protect - and the only way we can understand this when his mind is largely closed off to us is through looking at his external actions.

For example, in stark juxtaposition to his apology to Riko for not feeling anger or vengefulness, not only does Gojou immediately after think of killing the cult members to avenge her death, a large part of his philosophy as a teacher is founded on anger on behalf of children whose youth are threatened to be cut short. We get this primarily through external speech and action.

We do not experience his anger, realization of the value of working together with allies rather than exclusively as an individual, or decision to save children like Yuta and Yuji through a step-by-step psychological progression: we only see the end results of all that development that certainly occurs, but is hidden from us.

For such a major character, I find this a fascinating method that might run contrary to our expectations of how to portray and understand character development. It requires a greater degree of interpretation about the internal thought and emotional processes that, though not brought to the surface of the narrative, are at the foundation of his external actions, speech, and expressions throughout the story.

“Narrative 'representation', or, more exactly, narrative information, has its degrees: the narrative can furnish the reader with more or fewer details, and in a more or less direct way, and can thus seem to keep a greater or lesser distance from what it tells." - Gérard Genette

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk meta #gojo satoru

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anakinisvaderisanakin · 4 years

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Don’t Pray (aka Vader is the menace he was always meant to be during ‘the Purge’ oneshot)

“I am one with the Force, and the Force is with me,” the padawan whispered quietly; eyes squeezed tightly shut to block out the world.

The only sound was that of his own hammering heartbeats, hands clasped in a desperate prayer as he kept his head low; curled up in a tight ball with his legs to his chest in the cramped stowaway space behind the ventilator of his former master’s beat up space vessel. When he had docked on Illuna, he had expected the possible company of fellow runaway Jedi apprentices. Instead, he found the embrace of the Dark Side.

The presence that had greeted him so graciously was still palpable, still drawing ever nearer. The dark it brought with it like a sickness, like a plague shutting out any connections to the untainted living Force. Consuming its flame. The light flickering before the tendrils of darkness snuffed it out; successfully smothering it. Swallowing hard; a faint noise penetrated through the steady pulse ringing in his ears.

Artificial, mechanical. Periodic breathing. In, and out.

He felt like a caged animal; trapped as bait; prey left out for the predator approaching. He had been fooled, and now he was paying with his life. Naive, in his desire for company - his longing to be alone no more. He crept further back against the durasteel confines, his side pressed to the outer wall. As far from the tiny hatch to the hidden crawlspace as possible, making himself impossibly small.

Once again, he hoped to reach out with his mind; for help or guidance, he wouldn’t know. Yet, the only thing he could sense as a potential response was the thrumming of that inescapable darkness; an empty void of agony, threatening to grab hold of him and drag him asunder if he failed to stay alert. He toed the line, standing just at the threshold. Just shy of allowing the ill intent to devour him.

The padawan had been under the care of the Jedi Order on Coruscant for as long as he could remember, had been a promising padawan as his master had proudly proclaimed many times. It seemed like a lifetime ago. As if the happy days were but the fading remnants of a fever dream, as if the Empire and its rule was all there had ever been.

The Empire, and Vader.

Every Jedi he knew was either dead, captured, or lost. Missing without a trace. In hiding, some said. Perished, others whispered. At the hand of Vader, was the common consensus among fast travelling underground sources. The padawan had tried his best to hide, to keep out of sight, to cover up his tracks. For three years, he had been successful. For three years, he had managed to avoid the Jedi killer, and the relentlessness with which the Empire seemed to hunt down and destroy Force users. Align, disappear or die.

He was running out of time.

“I am one with the Force, and the Force is with me,” he mouthed wordlessly, desperate to mask his hitching breaths and half sobs.

It was freezing.

He remembered the ice cold desert nights, accompanying his master on a week long endeavour hunting for a ancient Jedi artifact. Where had it taken them? Tatooine? Jakku? Geonosis? He couldn’t remember, every desert planet looked the same. Only endless sand dunes, and blistering blood red sun come day. Only starry deep blue skies, and cold nipping at any exposed skin come night.

He’d never forgotten the numbness of his fingers, his breath coming in heated puffs of condensation. He’d never forgotten the uncomfortable prickle of his skin, the chill of his weary, aching bones. How it seeped so deep into his core, that not even the scalding heat of first sunlight promising fire and brimstone could dissolve it.

The breathing.

Steady.

The predator toying with its prey, like a rancor enjoying the chase and dragging it out before pouncing and going in for the kill. Vader must know where he was hidden, must be able to sense his tangible Force signature. His terror.

The paralyzing feeling of torment Vader’s aura radiated rolled off of the man in thick waves; like the tide coming in, like the eye of the storm. Without mercy, without pardon. A force of nature, uncontrollable, unstoppable. Hands trembling, the padawan pressed them to his lips as he continued to mouth the same payer like mantra.

It would be in vain, yet it was the only link that remained to his master. The woman who had been gunned down in cold blood by her own troops, sending him off in a solitary escape pod towards fates unknown before sacrificing herself. She’d taught him the prayer, something to cling to in times of need. In times of fear, of hopelessness. He remembered her gentle brown eyes, her warm smile.

Footsteps.

Heavy, booted footfalls against the durasteel floor. Stalking in a slow, deliberate manner. The temperature seemed to drop for each one, as death traveled on swift wings ever faster.

The padawan could feel the stinging heat of salty tears behind his eyes, could feel them welling up at the corners of his eyes. Could taste their salt, smell his own fear. Shame accompanied the terror. His master’s act of self sacrifice had landed him stranded on an outer rim scrap station, only vaguely directed towards hostile but life sustaining planets where more Jedi may be in hiding; aided by a good natured sympathizer. Planets he’d never even heard of. People whose faces he would never know again, whose faces he had already forfotten as they blurred together. He had found none, no one to help him. No one to guide him, no one to come to his rescue now. He was alone, and he would die alone.

Only then did it truly sink in that he wasn’t going to leave this ship alive.

“I can sense you, child.”

A deep, booming voice.

Filtered through a vocabulator, it came off eerie and uncanny. Devoid of any scrap of human emotion; monotone and matter of fact. Loud, direct, and frank. Short and concise. How many others like him had met such a fate, the padawan wondered. How many others had perished at the hand of Vader? How many more would there be? Were there even any Force wielders left in the Galaxy for Vader to sniff out and execute? The age of the order was gone, why keep exterminating the few stragglers left behind? They could do no harm, make little noise.

“I can sense your fear,” the voice added after a moment's pause; and despite the same inhuman diction, there seemed to be something spiteful to the words.

The padawan had never known evil.

He and his master had taken down wild beasts, droid armies; they had even faced off against a stray misled Dark Side user. The droids had been man made machines, little more than gun fodder. The animals had followed only their hunger and ravenous nature, desperate to eat or be eaten. Lylacs, loth-wolves, rancors engineered to hunt. The Dark Side user had been conflicted, led astray by corrupt practices, as his master had put it.

This was different.

Vader appeared to be content, in a sense. No, perhaps not quite content as there seemed to be little joy or excitement to find in his Force signature. It was empty, a nothingness. Like a hole in the fabric of the Force itself, like someone had cut a piece out of a tapestry where only cold, and suffering could prevail.

Suffering; so unadulterated that it made the padawan’s body flinch and twitch with its shared torment. Vader was like a phantom, like a wraith; like a dead man walking. His aura revealed that he had nothing to lose, nothing to gain. No compassion, no forgiveness. No use in pleading, no use in begging.

A tear escaped the corner of the padawan’s eyes, rolling red hot down his stricken, pale face. The suffocating feeling of Vader’s presence sucked the air out of his lungs, making him feel lightheaded and short of breath. The steps slowed, calculating their path meticulously until they came to a sudden halt mere inches away from the trapdoor and its hatch. There came a protesting creaking of durasteel, of metal giving way to an unseen, powerful hand. A metallic shriek, a cringe and a whine as it began to bend to Vader’s will. The first beams of bright, fluorescent lights spilled in flickering patterns through the cracks torn open before the trapdoor was unceremoniously ripped off its hinges and flung across the cramped space of the vessel’s interior.

The padawan daredn’t open his eyes - the mechanic breathing was no longer muffled by a thin wall of durasteel; the thick aura of the Dark Side crashing over him like, biting and stinging at his nerve endings. Drowning him, as they left him overwhelmed, vulnerable and pitiful.

It hurt to breathe; hurt to think, his stomach churning and his throat constricting no matter how much air he attempted to gulp down. His lips moved on autopilot, still wording that same pathetic prayer but his voice had long since been silenced. There was no one to save him. No one to take his hand.

The tendrils of a twisted, warped, subjugated shadow of the Force the padawan knew as his ally burnt as they pierced his skin; invisible but unyielding. Like a million icy daggers, like sharp needles or broken glass. Another warm tear fell from his eyes, this time leaving a searing trail in its wake against his frost bitten cheek. He trembled when it dripped off his chin.

“You cannot hide from me, child. Your path ends here. There is no escape,” said the voice, so void of sympathy and remorse that it seemed inconceivable.

Were it not for the Dark Side, and the tainted, perverted use of the Force that Vader was guilty of; the padawan would have thought him to be fully inhuman. Rumours said Vader was once a man, now cloaked in a tar black suit of armour. Some said Vader was the creation of a malicious Sith Lord, calling upon mystical powers to build the perfect, loyal servant. Others said Vader may have once been a Jedi; a Jedi who’d fallen to the Dark Side in pursuit of power, and riches. How could a figure whose very existence seemed to serve as a harbringer of death ever have been live? How could a presence such as Vader’s ever have belonged to anything but a ruthless monster?

The padawan’s master had called many animals and creatures ‘monsters’. Some would deem Vader a savage beast, desperate for blood to quench his own thirst while they cowered in fear at the very whisper of his name. As if acknowledging his existence might conjure him. Yet, an animal would only follow its own basal needs and instincts; like the krayt dragons, or the lylaks, or the rancors. They were not monsters, they were simply part of the natural order. Predators necessary in a symbiotic cycle with their prey. Likening them to Vader was no fair comparison. Vader was sentient, aware of his actions, and committing heinous acts nonetheless. Purposefully, knowingly.

Animals were no monsters.

Vader was.

His eyes were still stubbornly clenched shut, perhaps seized up with terror as the frightened padawan cowered.

Still, they began to twitch little by little, opening as if that unseen hand guided by the Force was prying them open bit by bit. As if they were being peeled back, his resolute power of will beginning to wane. The padawan desperately attempted to keep them closed, to fight back. It was futile, as his watery eyes were uncovered against his will. Unable to blink, unable to stay blissfully unaware of the exterior that accompanied the foreboding phantom. His executioner.

In a snapping, jerking motion - the boy’s head was rapidly twisted sideways by the same invisible pull. The hold on his lithe, malnourished body was so strong, that the motion tossed him like a rag-doll as he was yanked out of the tiny crawlspace. He cried out in pain when his knee was torn open, by the jutting edges of one of the ventilator system’s metallic fans. Warm blood wet through the fabric of the padawan’s pants, the tang of iron stinging in his nostrils. Nauseating.

Tumbling haphazardly across the narrow walkway, the padawan whimpered as he momentum had him rolling around until he slammed forcibly into nearest cabinet. A nightmare come to life, he wrapped his uncooperative arms around himself to shield himself from the bitter cold, from the hatred, the rage, the ire.

It did him no favours, the sharp pinpoints and tendrils of the Dark Side burrowing into his chest like the fangs of a loth-wolf. Despite the struggle, the padawan found himself crawling to his knees, ignoring the searing pain of his gashed knee as if compelled to do so by some sort of beckon, taunting and mesmerizing in its lethal promise. For a brief moment, he thought he could hear his master’s familiar voice calling him.

The abyss lay ahead.

“I am one with the Force, and the Force is with me,” the padawan croaked in a broken act of defiance.

“Your prayers are of no use.”

Then, he raised his head and his glassy eyes were set upon Vader. Frozen in place, as if fixed by the phantom’s own stare concealed behind the lenses of a black mask. Death in the flesh. Unkind. Unjust. Promising pain everlasting, overpowering.

Overwhelming, unbearable.

Inevitable.

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iamnightduchess · 4 years

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Reiner & Mikasa: A Retrospective Pt.2

“The Shield of Marley & The Blade of Paradis”

Why ReiKasa is a (BR)OTP ship that’s worth more than a fleeting glance

[*caution: a continuation of a long reflective post with the sole intention to share a fan’s perspective through available representation through manga, anime, exhibition & etc. This post is not to convince nor argue where is its place in canon, but only to explore the vast possibilities of these two amazing characters that I love. In the end, if the series ends with Mikasa alive & ending by herself or with X character, then it means Isayama believes that X character is the one she’ll find that eventual happiness with and I’m all for that. Same goes with Reiner :)] Special thanks to @berumika for sharing some of the additional points that are included in this post. Years down the line after SnK ended, I’d love to have a post I can revisit of these two amazing characters & the possibilities that could have been from time to time. I’m having absolute fun in observing how much both of these characters have grown since the series debuted in 2010.

Pt. 1 available here. Warning: Image heavy, potential spoilers.

When I first got to know SnK/AoT, it was through the anime first before manga. Bad idea for me. My initial perspectives of Mikasa & Reiner were skewed and that was later rectified as I navigated the original source directly. Eren is the first protagonist that was introduced by the series creator but I was drawn to Mikasa & Reiner when I started the manga after Season 1 ended.

Trainees

These top two trainees of the 104th batch are closely matched to each other in ranking. We don’t see them interact directly in the anime, but in the early panels of the manga, Reiner could be seen sitting down with Eren, Mikasa & Armin during mealtimes.

Sure, Mikasa can be expected to not converse with Reiner directly, but if her two childhood friends have their good friend sitting together for meals, at the very least we can expect them to have some brownie points in socialization.

Apart from being total gorgeous hotties, they’re both physically strong people, with Reiner always being second to Mikasa in terms of brute strength. Total muscle pairing and I could see them being at par with each other during physical drills. Reiner & Mikasa could go all out, even beyond 100% and the other would be physically capable to take/receive the force. Shadis would’ve tasked them to lead the physical trainings from time to time. They have been sparring partners, evident from the moment Mikasa threw Reiner across the field into Eren who’s sparring with Annie. Their fitness regime would be in-sync with each other. I could see them having mad respect for each other and secretly admire the other person’s prowess and skill.

Connection through Eren

As highlighted primarily in Pt.1, Eren has been shown to look up or aspire to be high achievers like Reiner and Mikasa both. He wanted to be as strong as the two of them. The odds of the very same people he look up to, as the two individuals who would be able to stop him, I would suspect as very high at this point.

When they were younger, Reiner has always been the one that’s pulled Eren up when he’s down, nearly giving up & at the lowest points of his life. He was also the one who convinced Eren to ‘keep on moving forward’, which we’ll learn later was one of the most ironic moments that Reiner recalled as he feels responsible for everything that begun, which also pushed his guilt inside him to his near-suicide attempt.

Survey Corps

Reveal on Wall Rose

Mikasa, was one of the few junior SC members who were called in for the secret meeting with the unit’s top brass the night before the reveal. She was made aware of Reiner & Bertolt’s possible identity as the enemy after she assisted with apprehending Annie in Wall Sina. While Reiner was talking to Eren, Mikasa could be seen being highly agitated, hands shaking as she waited with unease breath for Reiner & Bertolt to make their move.

She was later seen questioning her hesitance on delivering the killing blow or at least enough to incapacitate them. Mikasa called Reiner & Bertolt “the plague of humanity” in anger and absolute disappointment. They were still her friends that she knew for three years & it had been difficult for her to kill them.

Thunder Spears Training

Mikasa could be seen reflecting in a combination of unease, sadness & regret as she recalled back the moment she was unable to break Reiner’s armor with her blades.

Return to Shinganshina

Mikasa was the one who crippled the Armored’s legs. She wasn’t as emotional as Connie, Jean & Sasha but there was a deep, painful rumination on her part the moment they assumed that Reiner was dead dead. She was also the one who noticed the sudden move from Reiner’s Armored Titan. In the anime, she could be seen angry & frustrated at Reiner’s refusal to confess that she pulled too hard on the bandage in her hands while she was helping Jean with his injuries.

Time-Skip (Current)

Reiner’s reminiscence & nightmares

Reiner’s reminiscence of Mikasa was indirect, but he highlighted her (and Armin’s) fierce, unwavering loyalty towards Eren. He had recurring nightmares of her & Levi that are the symptoms of his PTSD. The anime specifically used her shot to highlight the last image of her that he saw: anger.

Assault in Liberio

You could see the existing disappointment on her face when Reiner’s partially transformed Titan appeared, having to cross paths again in such a way after four years. She could’ve intervened the way she did with Galliard’s Jaw but she didn’t. Eren said Reiner’s out of any energy left to retaliate and Mikasa didn’t disagree. At this point, Mikasa is already affected by Eren’s actions in murdering the women & children inside the building that he shifted in and the destruction they all left behind.

Connection through Gabi

Reiner’s young cousin reminded Armin & Mikasa of a young Eren. The difference is that, Gabi had an early opportunity to be saved through the compassion showed by Mikasa and Sasha’s beloved family. The very same people who had every right to be sad, grieving and taking out their anger on the child who gunned down their beloved friend & daughter.

Mikasa doesn’t verbally express her emotions but it can be shown through her body language & facial expressions. I love seeing the tender way she pressed Gabi’s head onto her shoulder as protection and a symbolism of safety. It was a bit sad that this ‘bond’ was short-lived but what an amazing connection it would’ve been if Mikasa & Gabi had been given more space to develop their bond in canon.

Concern for Reiner & Annie

Usually when Mikasa verbally expresses something, it is usually important/significant to her. In ch.124, she could be seen asking Gabi about Reiner’s location. Why? It’s because she is concerned for Reiner’s safety. If his Armors were undone, he was vulnerable and with pure Titans and the Colossal Titans walking around, he would be in danger.

“We need to help Reiner & Annie.” She was heavily concerned with Reiner and Annie’s lives at the docks. But this moment is more important for Connie as a callback to the moment when Annie & Reiner both had saved Connie when they were trainees.

Adjacent Manga/Official Art Paneling(s)

In the current final arc of the manga, (several panels have been highlighted in Pt.1) it’s quite interesting to note that Mikasa & Reiner’s characters/panelings have been drawn adjacent to each other. I could also see the way Armin, Reiner & Mikasa (ARM) are getting primary focus by Isayama in this final arc.

Others (Misc./Semi-canon)

Cool-faced Cookie (Attack on Titan Game)

When Reiner suggested the player to do a melee practice with two other sparring partners, he immediately spotted Mikasa & Historia. It’s very interesting to note that Reiner’s nickname for Mikasa is “Cool-faced cookie” as he hinted the player to ask Mikasa for an impromptu practice.

The blink and miss furtive glance(s)

In Lost Girls OVA’s ED by WIT, a screenshot of the primary 104th walking together could be seen. Mikasa could be seen sneaking a glance at Reiner.

In a scene during the fresh SC recruits discussing intensely about Eren’s role as humanity’s hope, Reiner could be seen glancing silently with concern for Mikasa, as Jean questions her vouch of confidence in Eren’s abilities.

In Snk OVA#3, Mikasa is grouped with Reiner for the excursion and they could be seen having good teamwork together. When Mikasa’s ‘sixth senses’ are triggered due to Eren being in danger, Reiner could be seen looking at her direction immediately as if sensing her distress.

Characteristics & Zodiac Signs

Amazing/Compassionate with children

Known as the Shield of Marley, Reiner’s a caring keeper, a natural leader and a provider who’s naturally amazing with children. Everyone looks up to him. Would’ve made a good family man if the circumstances were different. Based on his characteristics & physical attribute, he reminds me of Mikasa’s father below, no matter how short-lived he was. I could see her admiring that side of him even if it wasn’t mentioned directly. They are both loving, selfless, protective towards their child/ward.

Mikasa, true to her name, an Ackerman, a genetically-enhanced super soldier/warrior of Paradis that wields their blades with the highest efficiency. Though she might not seem as natural with children, did come from a healthy & loving upbringing with her parents for nine years. Her real persona as a child pre-awakening is a curious, thoughtful and actually a warm-hearted girl. Post-awakening characteristics could also be contributed from the traumas imposed by the murder of her parents, the fall of Wall Maria, the death of Carla & having to shoulder the immediate responsibility as Eren’s new ‘guardian’/caregiver/problem-solver/mess-cleaner.

She shown her compassion towards Gabi, which in turn had proved to the little girl how there are good-hearted, forgiving people in the Island. Mikasa could be observed as being heavily concerned with Falco as she questioned Jean about the young boy. One could see the anger on her face when she saw Connie took off and abducted Falco to be fed to his mom. She drew the line in harming children even if they’re trained enemy soldiers.

Aquarius & Leo’s Compatibility

Reiner’s a Leo and Mikasa’s an Aquarius. Their characteristics are too coincidental to their respective astrological signs to be disregarded completely.

He’s an extrovert (Ref: younger!Reiner. Older Reiner too but his PTSD’s and maturity have taken over his more outgoing personality) that compliments her introvert personality yet they both have their inner demons to deal with and could somehow understand that about each other. He’s a ray of sunshine that could enlighten her melancholic personality. Yet their dominant personalities, although might be clashing at first, eventually would lead them to respect the other’s perspective. This would ring true when they were younger. Currently they have grown older, wiser and more understanding of the other.

At the current Final Arc, this has been highlighted in Part 1, recent chapters have shown older Reiner and Mikasa’s unspoken respect and understanding for each other. The current Reiner’s natural leadership as a born Leo is very apparent. Reiner was being very mindful of her feelings as Eren is a very sensitive subject & Mikasa took in Reiner’s words with serious consideration.

It would be great to see more of their combined synergy as Reiner & Mikasa’s teamwork could be seen once again in ch.135. Aquarius & Leo would take turns to take a back seat while letting the other leads.

They are actually very physically and sensually compatible with each other & could potentially be an unstoppable force if they were to fight for the same side. At the moment, I’m hoping to see this potentially deadly combination once again in ch.136 onwards. They could’ve overtaken Eren’s Founding Form is it wasn’t for OG!Ymir’s one-sided overkill powers. To the real God who created the parasite worm, please take powers away frpm this uncontrollable grandma in a little girl’s body.

More of Mikasa’s Aquarius & Reiner’s Leo Compatibility Meter with description below:

Since this is SnK and not Berserk/Tokyo Ghoul/insert other josei manga titles, no one’s having sex directly haha In an ideal world, Reiner & Mikasa’s physical attractions for each other will almost be off the charts. “When they find true emotion, Aquarius might actually end up respecting the king”. In current arc, this can be observed. She respects Reiner & his words.

The above describes both Mikasa and Reiner respectively. Mikasa does not reach for heroism directly but it can be seen indirectly from the way she had inspired a child Louise through her bravery, protecting Gabi and rescuing/protecting the Azumabito Service crew from the Jeagerists. Reiner has always been born to be a hero, regardless of the circumstances of his conception or birth.

“If they end up fighting for the same cause, they could turn down entire governments and use their incredible force to change anything in the world.”

Even oppressive, destructive supernatural, God-like powers? Ymir & Eren, better be prepared.

“To get there, these two would have to stop the battle they have with each other.” Check and Check.

“Leo -- has the ability to give clarity to any situation.” Ch.133. That was not Reiner projecting. He’s always been Eren’s counterpart. He’s telling the readers that there’s a part of Eren out there that still wants to be stopped since he has surrender his will to Ymir. She took his words into serious consideration and in Paths, voices out to Eren on his sins and burden.

“Leo is exactly what Aquarius needs to find love. -- to liberate and shine as if they have been searching for one another for many lifetimes.” In an ideal world or in my gazillion AUs: Reiner and Mikasa could be soulmates.

This could ring true for the younger Reiner & Mikasa.

Reiner and Mikasa both are indeed strong, selfless individuals in each other’s eyes. This can be observed in Ch.133 & 135. Reiner feared her but respect her strength & feelings when it relates to Eren nevertheless. Even Reiner was taken aback by Pieck’s ultimatum in blowing the Founder’s neck, although Armin had suggested the same thing the night before.

“Just like the Sun and the lightning don’t go together, Aquarius should take over on a rainy day, in a depressive crowd or in places where they both feel as if they would drown. This is where Leo needs to give in and let their partner rule the sky--” It wasn’t a rainy day or depressive crowd in ch. 135, it was a chaotic shitstorm and they were all not drowning but dying. Period. Our dear Mikasa took charge like a BAMF Queen that she is. She was putting her life on the line to protect the four injured men behind them. She aimed to buy them more time if she could as everyone expected it to be the end. As highlighted in Pt.1, you could see the helplessness on Reiner’s face when he saw Mikasa’s breaking point.

Reference : http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/compatibility/aquarius-leo/

Final Exhibition

The Final Exhibition highlights the Last Stand: the direct final confrontation between The Founding/Attack against The Armored, with Mikasa being in the middle of the confrontation, tipping the scales of the outcome. Before, she assisted Eren against Reiner. Currently, she is working with Reiner to stop Eren.

Trio(s) Parallel

An interesting panel from ch.97:

EMA & RBA have always been lauded as the main trio of their respective sides. We have seen Armin taking over Bertolt’s powers & is potentially promised a future with the girl that Bertolt had feelings for. Recognize the probable pattern?

Guy from trio 1 ate Guy from trio 2′s Titan & is promised a potential future with the girl he cares for/have feelings for/close with from the trio.

Only one between between Eren & Reiner will remain. What if the story begins with Eren but will end with Reiner all along?

SnK HighSchool AU / Breakfast Club X-over

In the movie, the Jock (Quarterback!Reiner) ends up with the Rebel (Goth!Mikasa). He looks past her eccentricity & see her for who she is. This is a fun crossover by Isayama but very interesting to see Armin, Mikasa & Reiner work together to save Eren in the fake previews.

Whether the combined strength and perseverance of the Blade of Paradis & the Shield of Marley be enough to save the world from total annihilation? It remains to be seen very, very soon.

No matter how the series ends, whether both Reiner and Mikasa survive or not, I’ll be looking back in pride upon seeing their journey, growth & dynamics as either individual or together in this beautiful series by Hajime Isayama’s brilliant mind. Because of him, these two characters inspired his readers, myself included, to be brave and fight for what they truly believe in: humanity & its continuation. It has been an incredible ride and I will continue to enjoy writing for this OTP/BROTP, that I’ve fell so deeply in love with and their vast possibilities.

#snk #aot #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #進撃の巨人 Attack on Titan #snk meta #snk thoughts #snk opinions #snk spoilers #snk 135 #snk 133 #snk 134 #Retrospective #reiner braun #mikasa ackerman #reiner x mikasa #ReiKasa #character appreciation #ship appreciation

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dapper-ships-herself · 4 years

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@dokiqx @raudrfox2

The answer changes a bit depending on the s/i, so I'm gonna start with more general and like personal and then go into my s/is.

Dazai and I both, let's say wrestle with certain feelings about life and the world around us. When it feels like you're adrift and very little matters, it helps a great deal to have someone to ground you, and that's Dazai and I for each other. When the world is cruel, we can reach out our hands and feel the warmth, and through that feel safe and real. Neither of us are used to letting ourselves be fully vulnerable to the people around us, we're always masking something, maybe not for entirely the same reasons, but we are. Our relationship is when we both let those walls fall bit by bit, letting go of fear and trepidation. He never even thought he could feel real love before, both of us had thought we weren't worthy of it.

And Dazai is a genius, he's amazing and confident in his abilities, he can see straight through pretty much anyone, so I think why would he even want me, I'm so boring and predictable, I'm not a fan of taking risks and putting myself out there. But Dazai sees all my good qualities, he appreciates my strong empathy and my compassion, he sees how even though I struggle with my own worth I put so much worth into the lives around me, and I have a fun way of thinking about a lot of things, I'm creative bright even when I think I'm not. I become like a fresh, sunny spring day for his soul. And Dazai, his hands are so stained and his mind so jaded, even as he works to redeem himself and be on the side that saves people, he thinks there's too much darkness to ever truly be washed away. But I know that even though he's done a lot of bad, what matters most is what he's doing now; he's trying so hard to be good, to move away from the darkness that only acted as a negative feedback loop for him, that was never good for a boy with a mind like his. He is actively trying to be a good man, and I remind him of that. Neither of us are ever going to be perfect, but that's fine when we're together through our flaws. And through it all, we help each other see the beautiful things to live for.

Okay, now let's go into some specifics for the s/is.

ADA! Gillian has been through some pretty deep trauma with the loss of her little sister when they were kids, and at the time she thought she'd never ever recover from that and stay in the emotionless darkness forever, but with the help of Fukuzawa and Ranpo and the other agency members, she was able to heal. Despite the guilt and trauma that still sticks to her, how easy it would be to write the world off as simply cruel and uncaring, that's not her style. She loves the world, she loves the people in it, she knows that there's darkness but that only means that the rest of them should try their hardest to spread as much love and compassion as they can to balance that out. To Dazai, her unwavering light is strange but so calming. She's so strong in her determination to protect her family and everyone and everything that needs saving, it really touches something in him. She teaches him that it's okay, that they deserve to laugh and love and live, and she helps show him how to actively view the world for it's good parts. Even if someday it's hard, some days she's sad and can't forget the past, some days she tries very hard to push away the anger that festers in her at the unfairness that abounds, she still tries and now they can stand by each other's sides and try together. And he also knows what it's like to suffer and lose the one person who's most important, and he helps her confront the guilt that still clings to her, in fact that's something mutual. And she also, even though she accepts and appreciates her ability for how it lets her help people, it's also an ability that takes away a person's free will and can cause a lot of destruction, and she is afraid of the inherent evilness of it, and though Dazai respects how she's made the concious choice to only use it to help people, he sees her fear and helps her accept it.

Mafia! Gillian and Dazai probably have the most complicated relationship of all. Neither really wanted friends or saw the use of them, but they became each other's first real friend after he joins the mafia. They connect and resonate in a much stronger and more natural way than either were really prepared for; and then they were part of the quartet with Ango and Oda too, and she loved them all. She could be quoted as saying the three of them were probably the only things keeping her sane in the Port Mafia. And then she went away on a mission for a few weeks, no contact with her friends, and suddenly that little slice of joy she had was shattered, Oda was killed, Ango had been a double agent the whole time, and Dazai had abandoned her without so much as a good bye, much less and explanation. It sent her to a dark place for a while. She wanted to hate Dazai, and she certainly felt bitter, but she couldn't bring herself to hate him; how could she, really. She disliked being in the Port Mafia, but not only does she feel she'd have no where else to go, that if she left she'd be leaving her father, Ougai, aka the only person who's ever seen to genuinely want her around and stay that way, but her ability is literally to control darkness and too much light literally causes her pain and discomfort, it's clear to her that she was born to forever stay in the world of darkness and never be able to stand in the light. When she and Dazai eventually meet again four years after he left the mafia, there's a lot of complicated feelings too work through. She's bitter and angry and can't understand why he'd leave her like that if their friendship really meant anything; Dazai thought it was the right move at the time, he justified it to himself by reasoning that he knew she felt chained to the mafia and he had to leave quickly and cleanly in order to successfully rid himself of his dark past, he couldn't risk waiting for her to come back from her mission and having to convince her. But, really, he was afraid. After all, he's convinced that everything he desires will slip through his fingers the moment he obtains it. If he tried to hold on to the happiness she brought him and selfishly took her with him, he'd only bring her ruin some other way, and he wasn't deserving of her. He genuinely does regret it though, and it's not easy for him to admit that he was wrong but he knows that this is one instance where he was so terribly wrong. They have to work through these feelings in order to get anywhere, and she also has to realize that she does have the capability to step into the light, which she does partially with Dazai's help. There's a lot of fighting through the bullshit to finally be together.

Jekyll! Gillian takes the stuff mentioned earlier about always masking some part of ourselves to the extreme. Her ability, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, literally manifests her jaded view of the world into a physical creature of chaos, aka Hyde. And she rejects Hyde hardcore, that's why she's so unstable, destructive, and difficult to control, as well as hates her in return. She puts on the sugariest of sweet faces to try and mask this darkness, but Dazai is able to see it. He recognizes her mask easily, because he's basically doing the exact same thing. Eventually, after a lot of plot haha, they're able to help each other let go of their facades a bit and better accept themselves for who they are. They find this kinship in each other that honestly makes it easier for them to let go of their guards at least a little bit. They both hold a lot of jaded darkness with themselves, and they've both done some pretty terrible things and dirtied their hands, him in the mafia and her in the Order of the Clocktower, and they were both able to break away from that to try and become better people, and that's really nice for them to be able to relate to each other.

Circus! Gillian is, true to the name of her troupe the Circus of the Disillusioned, disillusioned about much of the world. It's dirty and cruel and not on your side. But, the circus always promoted family, the whole reason Voltaire formed the troupe was to attempt to not lay there and accept their wretched fate, that they as humans should try and create at least small pockets of a world more right and colorful. And this ideal stays with her. So yeah, they're both not huge fans of the world, but she has a more innate desire to change that, and she believes it's the duty of humans to fight through and not back away from the world through means like suicide (does that make sense? Trying to word it properly). So she actually is pretty, hm, disgusted is too strong of a word to use, she clashes a lot with Dazai's suicidal jokes. And she's too tsundere and jaded herself to outright be all flowery ~I will help you~, but that sort of discussion is a theme between them early on. Their abilities are foils for each other as well, Dazai is an ability nullifier, she's an ability amplifier, and that sort of reflects their views too.

Guild! Gillian at first seems to have the most innocent view of the world, after all she's rich and spoiled by her father, Francis. And she acts rather carefree too, like someone who's always been secure and never known difficulty. But she has known pain, and there's more than a naive rich girl beneath the surface. She's cunning and knows how to read people, she's been trained in the art of business since she was a child and had it drilled into her that you must never roll over for the world. She's also been taught that she's the daughter of the great Fitzgerald, which means she's meant for greatness too, and she hides it from her father but that's left her with a desperation to prove herself and live up to a great big shadow. But she's genuinely kind too, she loves the world for it's flaws and wants to support the people in it. So yeah, they're ways of thinking clash a bit, but at the same time they work perfectly in other aspects. At first, it's more like he's interested in her for the sort of contradictions she poses, but he starts to genuinely respect her and admire how she chooses to see kindness and work for it, how she takes things in to her own hands to make the world she sees in her mind real. And she respects him for his intellect and eventually for his resolve once she learns of his past. And respect is pretty much the bud that will bloom into love.

There's a lot of fighting to find the light in the dark and acceptance of ourselves.

I hope this was all coherent and not to rambly ha.

#self ship #selfship #self shipping #selfshipping #self insert #dapper answers #dazian #dapper inserts #dapper inserts: ada #dapper inserts: mafia #dapper inserts: jekyll #dapper inserts: circus #dapper inserts: guild

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supernaturalthisfanfic · 5 years

Text

Who prays for Lucifer?

Pairing: Lucifer x Reader

Word Count: 2537

Warnings: mentions of alcoholism

A/N: ok so funny story. I started writing this in 2016 and I finally finished it, 3 years later. Anyways, here it is. I’m kinda rusty but I’m really proud of this one so ENJOY!

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Imagine the reader runs into Lucifer at the bar and has a heartfelt moment and tells Dean, Sam, and Cas later, “But who prays for Lucifer? Who, in the past eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it the most?”

The familiar smell of liquor and nicotine hit me the moment I stepped into the bar. The mix had become a comforting scent, one signaling me to relax. Visiting the bar had become a habit I’d developed. Not a safe habit for a hunter to have, but one therapeutic enough to numb some of the emotions I tried my best not to feel. My dad was a deadbeat alcoholic and now here I was following in his footsteps. Oh, the irony. It wasn’t meant to be this way but I felt like I had to drink in order to forget. I was never good enough for the old man. I was always one step behind on all our hunts. I was always making trouble. I was the black sheep of the family, the girl no one cared for or looked after. I was always on my own.

I had Sam and Dean now, whom I was so thankful for. They took me in about 2 years ago and they treated me like family. They were nothing like my real family, if I could even call them that. They cared for each other and looked out for one another. The things they did in order to keep the other safe was like nothing I’d ever seen before. I’d even seen them die for each other, more than a few times. It was strange at first, but I slowly became more comfortable around them, learning what it was like to be a part of something bigger. Dean always told me, “Family don’t end with blood, kiddo.” I think he got it from an old family friend. Robby? Bobby? I can’t remember right now. But even then, sometimes it wasn’t enough. The childhood trauma I went through wasn’t something I could just get over so quickly. Sam and Dean knew this and they understood me, which is why they gave me my space every once in a while. They let me work through whatever I needed to in any way I needed to.

A burning sensation flared down my throat as I swished back a shot of whisky. As I signaled the bartender for another round, I sensed someone sit down next to me. It was when they spoke that the hairs on my arms stood up and my body tensed.

“I’ll have what she’s having.” Although I knew it would have been useless in this situation, I slid my hand down to my gun, but found it missing from my waistband. “Relax sweetheart. I’m not here on business.” I turned my head towards the devil himself. Lucifer. My gun was spinning in his right hand.

“Then what are you here for?” He stared down at his drink before responding.

“Company.” The emptiness and loneliness in his voice was evident, and for a

slight second my eyes softened before hardening again. He took a sip of his drink

and closed his eyes. “You know, I used to be my dad’s favorite. At least that’s what everyone tells me. It’s been so long, I can’t remember for myself. The only real memory I have of my father is him casting me down from home, putting me in a cage for billions of years. For what? For disagreeing with him. For not believing you humans to be his perfect creation. For thinking bowing to a broken and flawed species was beyond us. So he cast me out of heaven, punishing me with an eternity of isolation. After something like that, it’s hard to imagine ever being his favorite.” His jaw clenched. Setting his glass back down onto the bar table, a long silence crept between us before he turned to look in my direction. His eyes were dark and seemingly sunk into the shadows of his face. Dim blue lighting coming from the bar made them look dull and vacant. The creases in his forehead gradually softened as the corners of his mouth relaxed, allowing a melancholic demeanor to replace his usual devilish front. He looked vulnerable. I found myself reaching across the bar, gently placing my hand over his. He froze.

“I’m sorry.” It might have been the alcohol in my system and the light buzz I was beginning to feel, but I felt compassion for him. Growing up and even now as an adult, I’d always been told the devil was an evil man, a fallen angel who was dangerous and rebellious, walking about “like a lion, seeking to devour someone.” The “wicked one” is what he was referred to as. Yet, the man sitting in front of me right now was the complete opposite. There was no trace of maliciousness on his face. His posture weak as he hung his body to the bar’s counter.

“You’re sorry?” he softly questioned, eyebrows furrowing slightly.

“Yes. I’m sorry.” I stared back at him, trying to convey my sincerity through my eyes which had then begun to glaze over. “All these years you’ve been alone. You’ve been judged for your actions and your mistakes. And all based on the word of God. No one’s ever bothered to ask for your side of the story. They’ve discredited you, insulted you, made it to where redemption didn’t seem an option. So yes, I’m sorry.” I turned to face the bar, breaking eye contact. He kept his gaze on me for a minute longer before turning his direction towards the bar. The rest of the night was spent in silence, a quick glance exchanged as I left.

I saw him again the following week. And then the week after that. And the one after that. Before we knew it, it became routine for Lucifer and I. Every Tuesday night I’d head down to the bar and I’d find him sitting in the same stool, three chairs down from the pool table, sipping on a glass of whiskey. This went on for months. We sat in silence at first, but as time passed, we began having conversations. We spoke of our favorite music, our favorite movies, shared more of our life’s stories. Our talks deepened with every encounter. At one point, I’d forgotten I was speaking with the devil. “I have to get back to the motel. I’m not usually out this late and I need to head back before Sam and Dean come looking for me.” I laughed. At the mention of the Winchester brothers, Lucifer’s eyes flickered a bright red before shifting back to the regular warm brown I had grown accustomed to these past few weeks.

“Wouldn’t want the mighty Winchesters to come and try to save the day.” He rolled his eyes and waved his hands around in a mocking fashion. I sighed.

“Hey Lucifer?”

“Yes, (y/n)?”

“Thank you.” He cocked his head to the right, scrunching his eyebrows. “Thank you for- just thank you. I enjoy your company.” His eyes softened and before he could say anything, I rushed forward and threw my arms around him. My embrace caught him off guard and his breath silenced for a split second before he relaxed and gently placed his arms around me. We lingered in each other’s embrace a minute more before I pulled back. “I’ll text you once I get to the motel safely!” I shouted as I pushed against the glass door of the bar and walked out into the cold september air.

As I reached the motel, I slowed down and prayed for the boys to be asleep so I wouldn’t have to explain why I was out so late. This was the fourth time this month I’ve come home late, not to add this was the latest I had ever been out. I honestly had no idea what excuse I was gonna give them this time. I hesitantly reached for the motel door, but before my hand could fully grasp the handle, the door swung open. Sam was standing in front of me with his bag hung over his shoulder, phone pressed up against his ear.

“(Y/n)!” He lowered his phone from his ear and dropped his bag onto the floor, pulling me inside the room. Dean came bursting through the bathroom door.

“Where the hell have you been?” Dean tucked his gun which had previously been in hand, back into his waistband. “Sam and I called you a million times. We were just headed out to look for you. It’s three o’clock in the morning! What were you thinking?” My heart quickened and the sweat built on my forehead.

“I was at the bar,” I said as calmly as possible, “my phone ran out of battery.” I looked anywhere but the boys’ faces, avoiding all eye contact. I could feel their eyes on me as I slipped off my jacket and moved towards the bed. I lifted my head and my eyes connected with Dean’s as I attached my phone to its charger. “What, Dean? You think I’m lying? I was at the bar and my phone ran out of battery. I don’t know what else you want me to s-” I was cut off by Dean pulling his gun out and pointing it straight at me. “Woah, woah, woah! Dean!” My breath hitched and I shot both my hands up. “I get you’re upset but what the hell!” My eyes opened wide. Any trace of alcohol in my system was surely gone by now.

“(Y/n),” Dean spoke cautiously, “move over here now.” He cocked his gun.

“Alright boys, no need to get violent here.” I turned around to face the voice coming from behind me.

“Luci? What are you doing here?” I stared at him with wide eyes.

“You said you’d text me when you got to the motel safely and I hadn’t heard back from you. I called but you didn’t answer. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. There’s some bad people in this world you know?” Lucifer smirked at the end, shifting his stare towards the Winchesters. I turned my attention towards Sam and Dean.

“(Y/n)?” Sam sneered. “You want to explain to us what the hell is going on?” I let out a sigh as I switched my gaze between Lucifer and the boys. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“Well,” I hesitated, “Luci and I-”

“Luci?” Dean interrupted with a bellowing voice. “(Y/n), do you hear yourself right now? You just gave the devil a damn nickname. You’re acting as if he’s your friend!” His eyes were hard and I could see his jaw clench.

“He is my friend!” Quiet fell across the room and all you could hear was my heavy breathing. Luci was the one to break the silence.

“I think the nickname is pretty cute.” He earned a glare from Sam and Dean. “What? You don’t like it? I was thinking of keeping it.” Shrugging his shoulders, he took a seat on the bed. My eyes switched from Luci back towards the boys as I placed my hand on my forehead.

“All of you. Stop.” I spoke with a firm, demanding voice. I needed all of their attention for what I was about to say. “Everybody sit on the bed.” Nobody moved. “I said, everybody sit on the bed. Now.” This time the boys moved. They sat on the opposite bed in which Luci was already sitting. I turned towards them and took a deep breath. “I know we all have our differences. And before you say some smart ass comments, Dean, Luci, let me finish.” I looked towards the boys. “Boys, every Tuesday for the past few months, Lucifer and I have been meeting at the bar. We’ve talked more than you can imagine and we’ve gotten close.” They both scoffed. I gave them a glare. “Luci is my friend and that’s not going to change. He isn’t who you think he is. He’s just lonely and hurt. I mean think about it. Everybody believes he’s a bad person and in the past billion years he’s had no one there for him.”

“And for good reason (y/n)! For crying out loud, there’s a whole damn book talking about how dangerous he is, how manipulative! You’re falling for a trap!”

“Sam! That’s exactly my point! That book was written by who? By God. By his prophets. It’s told from God's point of view! But what about his? What about Lucifer’s? God’s book tells you all his faults and all his wrongs but what of his good? He’s still an angel for pete’s sake. He just needs someone to care! He needs company! When God created humans, Luci went from being the favorite to being completely ignored. God had his prophets. The angels had the humans. Lucifer had no one. He was forgotten. You have no idea what that can do to you. Loneliness is a poison.” I took a breath before I continued, leaving no room for an interjection. “If according to everyone else, Lucifer is the father of sin, why hasn’t anyone prayed for him? Huh? Who prays for Lucifer? Who, in the past eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner who needed it the most?” I looked over at Luci. “Luci. You are my friend and I promise you, you will never be alone again. Not as long as I’m alive.” I took a step back, signaling I was done saying what I had to say. We basked in the silence until Sam spoke up.

“Ok.” He nodded his head and looked at me with his puppy dog eyes.

“Ok?” That’s all he had to say?

“Yeah. Ok. I understand.” He stood up, looked over at Luci and then back at me. He walked over to Lucifer and stopped in front of him. Dean followed. “I don’t like you. I probably never will. But for (y/n) I’ll stand you.” Dean leaned in close and continued after Sam.

“Listen here, Luci,” he mocked, “(y/n) is family and I look out for my family. Saying that, if you so much as hurt her in any way, I’ll kill you.” Both the boys backed up. I stepped in front of them, grabbing Luci by the arm. Leading him outside, I closed the motel door behind us.

“(Y/n). Did you really mean everything you said? Am I really someone you consider a friend?” His voice softened at the end, no louder than a whisper. I looked back at him and gave him a faint smile.

“Of course I meant everything I said.” He gave me a big smile and dropped his head, sticking his hands in his pockets. “I should probably go back inside, don’t want to push my luck.” I laughed. “See you next week, Luci.”

“Yeah, see you next week (y/n).” He smiled at me. And then he was gone.

#lucifer #supernatural #supernaturalthisbitchjerk #supernaturalthisfanfic #dean winchester #sam winchester #lucifer x reader #alcohol #motel #hunter #fanfiction #bobby #god #heaven #prayer

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xox-gossipgoat · 4 years

Text

more gud personal statements (from medical students but still)

Sample Essay 1 In the sweating discomfort of the summertime heat, I walked through Philadelphia International Airport with several overweight bags, tired eyes, and a bad case of Shigella. Approaching Customs, I noticed the intensity and seriousness on the faces of the customs officers whose responsibility were to check passports and question passengers. As I moved closer to the front of the line, I noticed someone reading a foreign newspaper. The man was reading about the Middle Eastern conflict, a clash fueled by religious intolerance. What a sharp contrast to Ghana, I thought. I had just spent three weeks in Ghana. While there I worked, studied their religions, ate their food, traveled and contracted malaria. Despite all of Ghana’s economic hardships, the blending of Christianity, Islam, and traditional religion did not affect the health of the country. When I reached the front of the line, the customs officer glanced at my backpack and with authoritative curiosity asked me, “What are you studying?” I responded in a fatigued, yet polite voice, “Religious studies with a pre-med track.” Surprised, the officer replied rhetorically, “Science and religion, interesting, how does that work?” This was not the first time I had encountered the bewildered facial expression or this doubtful rhetorical question. I took a moment to think and process the question and answered, “With balance.” Throughout my young life I have made an effort to be well-rounded, improve in all facets of my personal life, and find a balance between my personal interests and my social responsibility. In my quest to understand where I fit into society, I used service to provide a link between science and my faith. Science and religion are fundamentally different; science is governed by the ability to provide evidence to prove the truth while religion’s truth is grounded on the concept of faith. Physicians are constantly balancing the reality of a person’s humanity and the illness in which they are caring for. The physicians I have found to be most memorable and effective were those who were equally as sensitive and perceptive of my spirits as they were of my symptoms. Therefore, my desire to become a physician has always been validated, not contradicted by my belief system. In serving, a person must sacrifice and give altruistically. When one serves they sacrifice their self for others benefit. Being a servant is characterized by leading by 3 example and striving to be an advocate for equity. As a seventh grade math and science teacher in the Philadelphia public school system, everyday is about sacrifice and service. I sacrifice my time before, during and after-school; tutoring, mentoring and coaching my students. I serve with vigor and purpose so that my students can have opportunities that many students from similar backgrounds do not have. However, without a balance my effectiveness as a teacher is compromised. In February, I was hospitalized twice for a series of asthma attacks. Although I had been diagnosed with asthma, I had not had an attack since I was in middle school. Consequently, the physicians attributed my attacks to high stress, lack of sleep, and poor eating habits. It had become clear to me that my unrelenting drive to provide my students with a sound math and science education without properly balancing teaching and my personal life negatively impacted my ability to serve my students. I believe this experience taught me a lesson that will prove to be invaluable as a physician. Establishing an equilibrium between my service and my personal life as a physician will allow me to remain connected to the human experience; thus enabling me to serve my patients with more compassion and effectiveness. Throughout my travels and experiences I have seen the unfortunate consequences of not having equitable, quality health care both domestically and abroad. While many take having good health for granted, the financial, emotional, mental, and physical effects illnesses have on individuals and families can have a profound affect on them and the greater society. Illness marks a point in many people’s lives where they are most vulnerable, thus making a patient’s faith and health care providers vital to their healing process. My pursuit to blend the roles of science and religion formulate my firm belief that health care providers are caretakers of God’s children and have a responsibility to all of humanity. Nevertheless, I realize my effectiveness and success as a physician will be predicated mostly on my ability to harmonize my ambition with my purpose. Therefore, I will always answer bewildered looks with the assurance that my faith and my abilities will allow me to serve my patients and achieve what I have always strived for and firmly believe in, balance. 4 Sample Essay 2 “911 operator, what’s your emergency?” “My friend has just been shot and he is not moving!” “Is he breathing?” “I don't think so!” “Are you hurt?” “No.” “Stay there, the paramedics are on their way." On April 10th 2003, at approximately 11pm, my best friend Kevin and I, intending to see a movie, headed out my front door. We never made it to see a horror movie; but our night was nothing close to mundane, when we became innocent victims to gang crossfire. As we descended my front door stairs two gunshots were fired and one person fell to the floor. Kevin was shot! I vividly recall holding him in my arms, and while he lost blood I almost lost my mind. All I wanted was to help, but there was nothing I could do. At 1am that morning Kevin's family and I sat in the emergency waiting room at Brookdale Hospital in Brooklyn, hoping and praying that the chief surgeon would bring us good news. While this event started me on my quest to become a medical doctor, at that moment all I could envision was a life of despondency. According to author Jennifer Holloway, “tragedy is a substance which can ignite the soul.” When Kevin’s surgeon walked through the door of the emergency waiting room he did not have to say a word. Kevin’s family cried hysterically. I, on the other hand, could not cry. As fast as despondency had filled my heart, it was now gone; I was consumed by anger, frustration and motivation to change my life’s direction. The death of my best friend compelled me to pursue a career in medicine. This, I hope, will enable me to help save the lives that others try to take. In the fall of this event, I took my first biology and chemistry courses. By the end of the year I excelled as the top student in biology, received the Inorganic Chemistry Achievement Award and was encouraged to become a tutor in general biology and chemistry. Tutoring was a captivating experience for me. Questions raised by students challenged my understanding of scientific concepts and their application in patient care. To further develop my knowledge of medicine, I volunteered in the emergency department at Albert Einstein Hospital, in Bronx, NY. While shadowing doctors, I was introduced to triaging, patient diet monitoring and transitioning from diagnosis to treatment. This exposed me to some of the immense responsibilities of a doctor, but my 5 experience helping in the cancer ward was where I learned the necessity of humanity in a physician and how it can be used to treat patients. Peering through a window I saw Cynthia, a seven-year-old girl diagnosed with terminal cancer, laughing uncontrollably after watching her doctor make funny faces. For a moment not only did Cynthia forget that she was dying, but her smile expressed joy and the beauty of being alive. This taught me that a physician, in addition to being knowledgeable and courageous, should show compassion to patients. It also became clear to me that a patient’s emotional comfort is as important as their physical health, and are both factors that a physician considers while providing patient care. Although focused on medicine, I was introduced to research through the Louis Stokes Alliance for Minority Participation in Science. Here, I learned organic synthesis techniques, while working on a project to elucidate the chemical mechanisms of oxygenprotein binding and its relationships to anemia. I also received the United Negro College Fund/Merck Science Initiative Research Scholarship that allowed me to experience cutting edge research in Medicinal Chemistry, with a number of world-class scientists. At Merck Research Labs, I learned the fundamentals of synthesizing novel compounds for drug discovery, and we focused on treatments for cardiac atrial fibrillation. This internship changed my view of medication and their origins, and left me with a deep appreciation of the challenges of medicinal research. I also now understand that medical doctors and research scientists have similar responsibilities: to solve current and future health issues that we face. Despite the tragedy that brought me to the hospital on April 10th 2003, the smells, the residents and the organized chaos of the emergency room have become an integral part of a new chapter in my life. On the day that my friend lost his life I found my soul in medicine. Today as I move forward on the journey to become a physician I never lose sight of the ultimate goal; to turn the dying face of a best friend into the smiling glow of a patient, just like Cynthia’s. A patient’s sickness can be a result of many things. But with the right medications, a physician’s compassion and some luck, sickness can be overcome, and the patient helped. In time and with hard work it will be my privilege to possess the responsibilities of a physician in caring for life. 6 Sample Essay 3 On Wednesdays, I was the only visitor for Jorge, an elderly patient in the AIDS and Tropical Disease Ward at Carlos III Hospital in Madrid. A native of Equatorial Guinea, Jorge had full blown AIDS and had been living in Spain illegally because, according to Jorge, his country lacked enough resources and trained doctors to provide an adequate level of treatment. Over several weeks I witnessed his losing battle, not only with a terminal illness but also with cultural incongruence and a continual feeling of unease, thousands of miles away from home. Talking with Jorge during my experience as a volunteer for the NGO Soldarios Para el Desarollo in the fall of 2001, led me to question the justice of health care discrepancies that make it so difficult for people like Jorge to get sufficient treatment in underdeveloped nations. Jorge was a victim of health care inequality, a subject that has been at the forefront of my mind since enrolling in “Race and Medicine in America” during my sophomore year. The course revealed to me the historically poor distribution of quality medical attention and how treatment continually evades socio-economically disadvantaged communities. I came to understand how, in the US, a national shortage of physicians and unlikely prospects of financial gain have caused few doctors to take an interest in these communities, leaving a diminishing level of access to services and expertise. This unfortunate reality inspired me to take an interest in treating these populations, in hopes of helping to improve the care for our country’s poor and underserved. Jorge’s story broadened my perspective, as I further realized that this need is exponentially worse in developing nations. The combination of my studies and real world experience strengthened my desire to practice medicine focused on treating underserved populations, nationally and abroad. In pursuit of my goal, I sought additional exposure to medical conditions in the developing world. During the summer of 2002, I contributed to a public health research initiative in Ghana. My research on malaria infectivity in and around the capital city Accra sent me to shanty town communities with poor hygiene and chronic illness and gave me yet another perspective on the impact of economic disparity in health outcomes and treatment options. Exorbitant patient volume and endemic disease are but a few of the many obstacles to doctors serving these communities and trying to provide quality care. Despite theses difficulties, I witnessed skilled physicians in this setting performing complex procedures in substandard conditions. At the Komfo Ankye Teaching Hospital in 7 the urban village of Kumasi, I scrubbed-in during the removal of an osteosarcoma tumor from a man’s jaw and an ileostomy, where I saw a scalpel filling the role of an absent screwdriver and doctors working in a hot ward with minimal ventilation and only basic amenities. These resourceful doctors were still able to perform, reaffirming my expectation that despite complications, the addition of well-trained doctors can make a marked difference. I began to understand how, by taking my medical school training to such environments, I could serve as an intermediary - bringing first world knowledge into a thirdworld context. Since my time in Ghana, I have continued to participate to health care projects in poor communities. During the summer of 2003, I conducted research in an obstetrics ward of a public hospital in Sao Paulo, and the following fall participated in an infectious disease initiative that brought medical attention to impoverished suburbs of Lima, Peru. Most recently, I worked at a bilingual health clinic in Chicago serving a primarily Latino immigrant community. With each experience, I gained a deeper understanding of the complementary skills necessary to make a real difference. I have learned that medical knowledge, cultural understanding, and political savvy are critical components to a holistic approach to community health care and development, and are skills possessed by the most effective contributors to positive change. I continue to hone my language skills in anticipation of serving Spanish and Portuguese-speaking populations; and I am building an understanding of how to work in a complex funding environment and link medical treatment with public policy. I wish to pursue my medical training and a Master’s in Public Health, so that I can improve access to health care and serve as an effective physician. My desire to perform medical public service developed from concern and sympathy for people in need of medical care, most specifically those with the least access. I further recognize the importance such compassion plays in effective communication between doctors and their patients. It was my childhood doctor’s ability to convey understanding and elicit trust that inspired my initial interest in the medical field. He combined calm and compassion with medical expertise in a thorough form of healing that I grew to expect, but have infrequently witnessed in poor communities. As I strive to bring better health care to underserved populations, I hope to do so with the same personal care and attention that comforted me in my youth. 8 Sample Essay 4 Too young to volunteer in a hospital yet too old for summer camp, I was determined not to idle away my first summer as a high school student. Undaunted and striving to help my community, I inquired about our local nursing home. My grandmother refused to enter the brown building with me, unable to interact with residents who were ailing and terminally ill. With persistence, I toured the facility with my father and decided to volunteer. The residents who were so debilitated that they would never leave the care of the nursing home really moved me. It was amazing how the support of the medical staff and family members created an environment that allowed residents to live an enjoyable life. I will never forget one resident in his early thirties who was paralyzed from the waist down, unable to live as most young adults. I would run into him on the elevator almost daily. My encouraging words and energy as a young person often brightened his day, and in return made me feel very joyful to serve. It was quite extraordinary to know that such a small gesture could positively impact someone’s life. From reading stories to assisting the professional staff with exercise routines for the residents, the experiences I had there were life-changing. It was then that I realized that my life would be most fulfilled working directly to improve the lives of others as it relates to medicine. With a strong interest in clinical medicine, I continued my studies at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County (UMBC) as a biology major and a Meyerhoff scholar. I embarked on several projects within the disciplines of immunology, cell biology, genetics, and vascular biology. These research projects gave me an indescribable experience as a participant in the discovery process and newfound appreciation for biomedical research. I was ready to work in the hospital and wondered how various scientific discoveries were being used in medicine. To answer this question and gain first hand experience of life inside a busy hospital, I began volunteering in the shock trauma resuscitation unit at the University of Maryland Medical Center (UMMC) in Baltimore. On my first day as a volunteer, I was a bit nervous, unsure of what to expect. However, once I suited up and walked into the shock trauma room, I knew medicine was the profession I was meant to pursue. Through my work, I witnessed the 9 medical staff working tirelessly to stabilize and care for patients who had experienced car accidents, stabbings, and other forms of trauma. I will never forget walking into the shock trauma room to find a crying mother and grandmother as they saw their son and daughter severely injured from a car accident. As I looked into the next unit, there was a middle-aged woman who was recovering from a stab wound. Walking away from her unit, I could hear her call “Miss….Miss, can you help me?” I didn’t know what she wanted, but I quickly turned to talk with her. She wanted her food heated and the nurse’s assistance. Although I could not physically interact with her, I felt like a part of the medical team---working to ease suffering and serve those in pain. The most striking incident occurred one Saturday morning when I walked into the resuscitation unit and saw a pool of blood surrounding the rolling bed of one patient. The doctors and nurses tried everything possible to save his life. However, they were unsuccessful and he died. I watched the reactions of the staff as they silently covered his body and rolled it away. It was then that I realized that one day I would be in a position to save someone’s life. I immediately thought about the family of the deceased patient. Most importantly, I understood the important role that I must be prepared for in helping families deal with such a life tragedy. As I was walking back to the locker room, I started to reflect on the joy I got from volunteering in the hospital and mentoring community kids, combined with my passion for science. I knew at that moment that I would love working as a physician who could not only heal and alleviate pain, but who can educate and innovate. The opportunity to change even a fraction of the lives of those in a city or underserved country is quite amazing. With the untimely death of various community members due to the advanced stages of cancer and the higher incidence of human immunodeficiency virus infection in minority women, I am inspired to join the struggle against deadly diseases and sickness. As I continue to strive for more, I can remember a quote by author Anna Eleanor Roosevelt: “When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die.” I not only want to treat patients in the clinical setting, but am driven to improve the treatment and diagnosis of life-altering diseases through public health research. Without reservation, this will be my contribution. 10 Sample Essay 5 The litter bearers burst through the triage area doors from the dusty Afghanistan night carrying three soldiers injured in an IED blast. The tent that housed the trauma bay hummed intensely yet somberly as the medical staff began evaluating the casualties. My trauma shears ripped through the soldier’s charred uniform while I performed an initial assessment of the casualty with the attending physician. Exposing the injuries, I found that the soldier was badly burned due to the blast. He was unconscious, suffering from a compromised airway and his skin was peppered with shrapnel. I attached monitoring equipment, started a peripheral line and began cleaning the burns that blanched the majority of the soldier’s upper body. Through the synchronized chaos of surgeons directing treatment, anesthetists intubating and nurses administering initial medications, I understood the fluid relationship between the levels of medical hierarchy. I became part of an intricate network of communication, and the demanding process of saving a life. Nothing has been more rewarding than serving my fellow soldiers and the local Afghan community during a year long deployment overseas. Working in a combat support hospital under personalized mentorship of a cardiothoracic, orthopaedic and general surgeon gave me the opportunity to learn about long and short term care, processes of diagnosis and proactive medical treatment in trauma situations. After serving in a combat zone I realized that a life is the most magnificent and powerful force in existence. It compels us to bridge language and cultural barriers, and it is the common denominator amongst all human beings. As a physician, my priority is the preservation of that which is most precious to us all. The impetus for pursing a career as a physician began during my involvement in the Minority Medical Education Program (MMEP) in the summer of 2001 at Yale University, where I participated in a rigorous eight week program that mirrored the experience of a first year medical student. The curriculum focused on writing and communication skills, medical ethics and core science knowledge. Additionally, the program encouraged team building, small group discussions about current medical developments and molding the future of healthcare. I received close mentorship from first through fourth year Yale medical students during the MMEP, as well as opportunities to shadow physicians in the New Haven Hospital emergency room, 11 oncology ward and cardiology department. The MMEP shaped my focus as a young student aspiring to inherit the future of medicine, and provided me with realistic expectations for my life long pursuit of medical knowledge. During the MMEP I found joy in the practical application of my undergraduate studies, as well as an appreciation for the dynamicity of my forthcoming medical education. The following summer I participated in the Infectious Diseases Undergraduate Research Program at the University of Iowa. Over an eight week period I studied trends of nosocomial versus community acquired Methicillin resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MSRA) infections at 140 statewide, long term care facilities. I used pulse field gel electrophoresis to categorize and group different strains of MSRA taken from patients at the different facilities and track patterns of prevalence. The summer long project added perspective to the obligations and responsibilities of being a physician. At the culmination of the eight weeks I understood the importance of medical research and the interdependency between the laboratory and clinical realms. I realized that it is critical to be immersed in medical literature and to foster an atmosphere that encourages aggressive medical research. I also learned that the term “medical community” signifies a constant discourse between the many facets of medicine. The commission of every physician is to juxtapose ideas, plans and research with the unified goal of improving the quality of life. Lastly, when I think of the role of a physician I am reminded of a quote by Robert Browning that states, “But a man’s reach should exceed his grasp.” The face of healthcare is constantly changing. The medical field needs professionals with imagination and vision. I will fill that necessity and I will provide the same quality of care that I desire to receive. It is my dream to serve humanity. 12 Sample Essay 6 I energetically clap my hands as we chant in unison, "Ooh, I feel so good, like, I knew I would... Ooh, I feel SO GOOD!" This has been our weekly ritual for the last three years: me in a circle of women prisoners at the Rhode Island Correctional Facility, all of us yelling at the top of our lungs while a Corrections Officer stands outside the door. As our chants reverberate off the empty walls, Cherry, a pregnant inmate who has been in this facility most of her adult life, takes the lead and we echo her moves. When I "go inside" I forget where I am; the women are eager to clip pictures for a collage, learn West African dance steps that I myself perform at Brown, or write poems on romance or motherhood. Enclosed by locks and patrolled by guards, I help inmates find a way to escape through artistic expression; their enthusiasm affirms the importance of my role as a facilitator of art and writing workshops with SPACE, Space in Prisons for Arts and Creative Expression. I, in turn, am humbled by the poems and artwork the women produce as the workshops provide a creative outlet to assert their unique stories. Sitting alone with forty unexamined boxes in the Brown University archives, I was reminded of my experiences with the SPACE program, and I began to appreciate the importance of having a medium for relaying untold stories. While researching the offpraised fifty-year-old cooperative between Brown University and Tougaloo College, a historically Black private school located in rural Mississippi, I examined the past through narrative, and I unearthed personal accounts outlining a history that had long been forgotten. One day, I found a letter with "To be read and destroyed" scribbled in the margin. The letter outlined Brown's role in the forced resignation of Tougaloo's president in 1964 for his support of the politically minded students at Tougaloo, who organized and led numerous demonstrations throughout Mississippi at the height of the Civil Rights Movement in America. Newspaper clippings detailed community outrage at the firing, while hand-written flyers rallied student groups to oppose the Brown-Tougaloo relationship through demonstrations. The research took me to the tiny Tougaloo archives and back to Brown to conduct oral history interviews. The work was instrumental in providing Brown-Tougaloo exchange participants the opportunity to challenge misconceptions of their experiences; the documents we collected are now available on a website about the Brown-Tougaloo relationship and the events of the Civil Rights movement. 13 : My visions for eliciting personal narrative are embodied in my approaches to healthcare. For four years, I conducted biomedical research on the underlying reasons for increased incidence and mortality rates of prostate cancer in African-American men; this first taught me the importance of evaluating economic, social, and cultural histories for the insight they offer in examining health. While personal narrative offers patients distinct voices for their stories, in serving the needs of the people, physicians are afforded the unique opportunity to mediate and then to validate those narratives, bridging personal stories with physical observations. This fusion of the social and corporeal has been reiterated in my experiences as a student conducting clinical health research both domestically and abroad I shrug, wiping the perspiration off the side of my face onto my sleeve. Our team has been working outside for almost three hours measuring fasting glucose levels, taking blood pressures, and calculating Body Mass Indexes for a rural family in modernizing Samoa. For many I will counsel this summer, obesity, diabetes, and hypertension will be linked to perceived social pressures to maintain material lifestyles exceeding individual financial means. The glucose meter beeps abruptly; I lean over the table to see the reading, while an old woman sits across from me tending her bleeding finger. "La'i mai suka": "You do not have diabetes," I announce, checking the "normal" box on her information sheet. One of the Samoan field assistants translates for me as I explain the importance of exercise and healthy eating, listing traditional Samoan foods as better options to canned spaghetti sandwiches. She nods, understanding. The activities I pursued as an undergraduate were chosen not for utility to some future plan; instead, my interests in a wide range of human activity helped me to discover the significance of bridging everyday peoples' narratives and their health needs. Further, eliciting the voices of others helped me to realize why I am so compelled to pursue medicine. Each experience has taught me the importance of real communication in healthcare: paying close attention to how people feel and the meaning of what they say. I am enriched by the individuals I have encountered; I marvel at their unique stories, and I appreciate how each person is validated and empowered in exchange for sharing his/her history. Our interactions sit at the heart of humanistic sensibilities to healthcare; I am determined to become a physician, where I can help to relay stories that otherwise might remain untold. 14 Sample Essay 7 Sweat profusely ran down his face and dizziness clouded his world. Though he was not feeling well, he ignored these signs and the repetitive, “Daddy, are you okay?” for the fear that he would display any sign of weakness in front of his children. After several hours of denial, his body gave the final warning that all was not well and the man collapsed in a pool of vomit. That man was my father and I watched as he too weak to stand and vomit on his mouth and clothes, was transported to the nearest medical center with the help of my sister and grandfather. After numerous CAT scans and other tests, we learned that my father suffered a minor stroke. Though he suffered a stroke the day before, my father, against the doctor’s advice, went to work the next day to ensure that his condition was not a financial burden on our family. Seeing my father suffer many complications from diabetes and hypertension, I strove to learn more about these diseases by reading medical literature to see how they could be controlled and prevented. However, watching my father sacrifice his health for financial reasons had a lasting impression on my motivation in medical care. My father was diagnosed with diabetes and hypertension when I was ten years old. His lack of treatment worsened his diabetic condition and my sophomore year in college, he was put on insulin. To this day, I am convinced that if we could have afforded adequate health care my father would have not sacrificed his health and thus he would not have suffered many complications. My primary interest in hypertension and diabetes is personally driven. For two summers I worked in Dr. Yan Huang’s lab where I conducted two independent research projects on the correlation between diabetes and atherosclerosis. One of my projects was concerned with controlling the regulation of connective tissue growth factor (CTGF) expression in vascular smooth muscles cells by thiazolidinediones (TZDs). In this project we hypothesized that the diabetic class of drugs TZDs would reduce CTGF expression in vascular smooth muscle cells, which would in turn reduce atherogenesis. We did an in vitro study and were able to determine that TZDS did reduce CTGF expression in vascular smooth muscle cells. My research for that summer was recently accepted for publication in the journal Atherosclerosis. I saw the importance of biomedical research in clinical care. In addition, my project has taught me about the effective treatments for diabetes and I learned about the seriousness of my father’s disease. However, from reading medical literature and 15 personal experience, I learned about the health disparities that existed among minority groups as well as those of lower socioeconomic class. This information further reinforced my determination to pursue medicine to counter these disparities. As a serious student, I felt that I should contribute equal time to volunteer work. I participated in an alternative spring break project in Logan, West Virginia through the Premedical Organization for Minority Students (POMS) in which we visited the underserved area of Logan, West Virginia and were able to get first-hand clinical experience. From this experience, I obtained skills in taking blood pressure, blood glucose levels, and urinalysis and used these skills while visiting senior citizens residences. Through my interaction with the seniors, I realized that communication and trust is vital for a healthy patient-physician relationship. In addition to doing health related activities, I was able to talk to students from disadvantage backgrounds on the importance of getting a postsecondary education. My goal in doing this was to give back to a community similar to my own because my environment gave me the right foundation to become a strong, intelligent individual. However, the most rewarding part of the trip was sharing with the local high school students my life story and how I found motivation in my disadvantage situation and used it to excel. I believe that it is important for them to see someone like themselves, so that they may be inspired to succeed as well. By far, my most rewarding community service has been with the College after School Team (C.A.S.T), which is a program that provides free tutoring and mentorship to disadvantaged, inner-city high school students that are at risk. My duties included tutoring, during activities with the students, preparing students for the route to college by working with them on standardized tests and college applications. I consider this to be the one of the most rewarding community service that I have become involved with because I am able to see a progress in students and watch them succeed. After seeing firsthand the waste in health due to the lack of health care in my community and family and the health disparities that exist among minorities and those of the lower economic rungs of society, I am aware of the need for physicians in medically underserved areas. As a potential physician, I wish to eliminate health disparities that exist among minorities and lower income individuals by making health care available to those who would not otherwise have access to it. Medical school would provide me with the skills needed to counter the health disparities that exist domestically and globally by providing experience in such areas. 16 Sample Essay 8 A little boy in a rural town in Mozambique is competing with 100,000 patients for the attention of the only three doctors available to him. Meanwhile, in Nicaragua a mother is torn between spending money to put food on the table or tending to her son's illness as they survive on only one dollar a day. The struggle continues as a black mother mourns the loss of her infant daughter because the infant mortality rate amongst the AfricanAmerican community is twice that of any other ethnic group in America. With the world becoming increasingly more connected, we cannot continue to detach ourselves from these issues. I have always felt attached to and compelled by the problems of the world, therefore these stories of disparities and inequalities have always distressed me. In fact, it was these stories that urged me to pursue sociology as a major. Focusing on international social change, I have learned many of the extreme social issues affecting the world today. These issues have inspired me to want to be in the forefront of combating these problems with the best of my capabilities. Those capabilities and opportunities for me lie in the field of medicine. I have wanted to be a doctor from the time I was a child and as I excelled in the sciences throughout my education, that interest developed even more. The University of Michigan provided many outlets for students to gain medical experience and I took advantage of many opportunities there, two of them being my job as a nurse assistant and my Distraction Osteogenesis research. Working as a nurse assistant in the hemodialysis unit for over a year, allowed me to develop health care professional- to- patient relationships and it allowed me to see the doctors and nurses in their working environment. Whereas my research, which investigates the effects of radiation on bone healing, involves surgical procedures in which I assist in and require me to do post-operative rounds. The rounds are performed twice daily during which we give medications to the rats, feed them, identify and care for infections, take daily notes on their overall health, and distract their mandible. This experience gives me a glimpse of how medical student 17 rotations are conducted on the wards. Opportunities like these and many others continue to nurture the spark for medicine that was ignited when I was young. Growing up, my idea of medicine was confined to dealing with patients in a doctor’s office. However, majoring in sociology has allowed me to see that I want to practice a kind of medicine that extends beyond the walls of an office and into the community where disparities in infant mortality have to be addressed through research and education. Furthermore, my travels to Nigeria in December 2004 and my recent trip to China in May 2007, have shown me that medicine can transcends the borders of the United States to places like Nicaragua where I can organize mission trips to provide free, quality health care for those that would never be able to afford it. Achieving quality health is a product of both good physiological maintenance and a healthy living environment. My sociology background has taught me that people not only require their health needs to be addressed but also other life issues as well. I have learned that addressing both of these factors can positively impact a person's general health. My application of this knowledge is apparent through my work on campus in different organizations, especially as the health committee chair of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) - UM Chapter. As health committee chair, I partnered with several professional health school organizations to put together a health fair. There, we provided free screenings for students and people in the Ann Arbor community for cholesterol, blood pressure, body mass index, glaucoma, and diabetes as well as counseling regarding other barriers they felt were preventing them from attaining good health. What I can do as a doctor in the future is build upon the efforts I demonstrated in college by merging the principles I will learn in medicine with those that I have learned in sociology. My mission will be to change lives. I am not a superhero, I am but one person who believes that the needs of the less fortunate should not be overlooked. As long as I am equipped with the armor of medicine, I can help see to the improvement of some of the disparities that prevent people from receiving optimum health care in the United States and abroad. So I hope that I will be given the opportunity to affect the life of that little boy in Mozambique, as well as many medically disadvantaged across the globe.

#personal statement #important

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choicesaddictionwriting · 5 years

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Hope | Ramsey x MC (Kendall Archer)

A/N: I know this sucks but I’ve been having a lot of trouble writing for this blog and just write for my other one. So when I got this idea I just rolled with it. I hope you enjoy.

Summary: At a meeting with the Hospital Board of Directors Ethan announces who he wants on his diagnostic team.

Hope | Ramsey x MC (Kendall Archer)

“I have decided to nominate Dr Archer for the fellowship,”

“Dr Archer…” A board member repeats right after him, Ethan didn’t know his name nor did he want to know but he knew his face.

“Yes,” Ethan nodded in confirmation, briskly, his eyes glancing over Harper, whose eyes were wide in surprise at his words before looking back at the five board members he was addressing.

He knew who Harper wanted him to pick. She had even told him who to pick. And maybe he should have just listened and perhaps before he met Kendall, he simply would have followed her instruction. Hospital bureaucracy wasn’t something he cared for, it was something he avoided, only indulging in it when he was forced to or when absolutely necessary.

But he was different now.

Everything was different now.

“We were under the impression that you and Dr Emery were in agreement as to who would be nominated for the fellowship,” Another board member, piped up.

“Clearly not,” Ethan stated, still standing at the end of the table, biting back any distaste.

“Well then Dr Ramsey, make your case,”

“I’m not disputing that Dr Aurora Emery, Dr Emery’s selection would not do well in the position and I agree that she has both consistently ranked highly and undoubtedly would be capable of taking the position…but,”

“But…” A nameless board-member encouraged much to his annoyance as he took a sharp breath and collected his thoughts.

No more thinking was needed.

“But,” He continued, his stance strong, his voice stern, “Dr Archer is different. She has every attribute a good doctor or someone with the potential to be a good doctor should have. Compassion, empathy, perspective and curiosity, And these qualities are more important than the superficial high ranking of interns. She didn’t come here thinking she was the best or already knew everything, she came her wanting to learn, to be better. Her only competitor herself and the limits she set. During her time here she has consistently shown an ability to handle the harsh realities of working here. She has made mistakes of course but she only makes them once. She has learnt that actions have consequences and that you can’t help everybody. But that doesn't mean she won’t try her hardest anyway. She is a dedicated individual whom I believe would exhaust every avenue three times before even considering giving up. And even then she would try something else. Which is the main reason she is my nomination, being a senior fellow on my diagnostic team means exhausting every avenue no matter how obscure to reach a diagnosis. Her ability to see beyond what is in front of her, think of ideas and make connections, as well as her extensive medical knowledge, is what will help her in this position.”

“Dr Ramsey,” Dr Emery called from down the hallway, causing Ethan to turn around in surprise, stopping as he waited for the Chief of Medicine to catch up.

“Dr Emery,” He acknowledged professionally, in the bustling hallway, “What can I do for you?”

They began to walk in step, everyone making way for them as they made their own way down the hallway to the children’s ward.

“Your intern, Dr Archer?”

“What about her?” He responded, his heart involuntarily racing at the mention of her, though he remained unfazed outwardly.

“She came up to me this morning asking me to manipulate a government subsidiary to provide care for a patient without insurance,” She relayed before explaining the situation fully to him.

“And you’re telling me?” Dr Ramsey questioned nonchalantly, expertly hiding all his emotions.

Impressive job, Rookie, he thought to himself.

“I need you to keep an eye on her for me,” She instructed, “I don’t want her getting the idea that she can go around saving everyone. Someone needs to put her in her place as her attending Physician. I’m giving you that job. You can’t save everyone, make sure she knows that,”

They had continued to walk, stopping at the glass doors of the children ward.

“You want me to stop her from finding unique ways to help people?” He countered, raising an eyebrow at her suspiciously.

“And what happens when she comes across the next patient that doesn't have insurance and she can’t find a way to help? I need her to be realistic and so do you if you want her to stick around,” She stated, before leaving him abruptly to catch up with another doctor down the hall.

Ethan sighed before turning around to the sight of the hectic Children’s ward. His eyes then widened at the sight of Dr Archer, doing a cartwheel for an audience of children all lined up in their beds. He watched for a second before swinging open the door.

“Dr Archer,” He called sternly.

“Yes, Dr Ramsey?” She responded before jumping and turning to look in his direction.

“This is a hospital, not a playground. What are you doing?” He instructed.

“Proving I can do a cartwheel,” She replied, nervously, looking at the kids who were all giggling under their sheets.

“What are you even doing here?”

“Checking up on Ellie here,” She informed, gesturing a small blonde girl no older than seven, “She came into the ER earlier and I promised I would check in,”

“And that involves a cartwheel in the middle of the ward?”

“No,”

“Get back to work, Rookie,”

“Oh, I’m on my break actually. I start again in,” She explained before glancing at her watch, “Five minutes. I should go, kids,”

“Bye Kendall,” They waved off almost in time as Kendall waved back before slipping out the hard down the hall.

Offering him an embarrassed smile as she brushed past him and began to sped walk back to internal medicine.

And Ethan couldn't help but smile to himself as he watched her go, despite his better judgment.

“And besides that, she has an excellent bedside manner. She knows how to talk to people, patients, everyone. She is a pleasure to work with and has been a pleasure to mentor. She has the capability to mould herself into a truly fantastic diagnostician. She has all qualities to do it as well as some that put her potential above everyone else's. She comes to work every day with the belief that day will be a good one. She has infectious optimism which may not be the first thing you think of when you think you good doctor but it’s what all good doctors should have. She has belief, hope that everything will turn our right. And she makes those around her believe it too. Not just patients but other doctors. Doctors who haven’t given a damn in years come in with this new found energy to help people. And it’s because of her. I know it because I too have felt it…”

“What about you?” What kind of doctor do you see yourself being in ten years,”

He watched intently as her face creased in momentary thought. Even in the midnight darkness her eyes still lit up as she spoke.

“The kind of doctor who could…make a difference in patent care,”

Ethan smiled in spite of himself, thinking of all she had already done, “More than you do now?”

“I’m only an intern! I do barely anything now,” She dismissed, her signature smile sad in spite of her carefree tone.

“Not true,” Ethan insisted, with a lot more passion than he intended but he made no attempt to restrain himself, “I’ve seen how hard you work for your patients. Even if they don’t always value it, you do make a difference.”

“But not enough,” She persisted, her positive demeanour diminishing with every word that was clearly coming from her deep-rooted insecurity which Ethan knew what obstructed her ability to see her own true potential, “I helped one uninsured patient receive care, but I can’t find loopholes for everyone,”

“Why not?” He demanded, knowing what she needed to hear.

“Because, because,” She almost stuttered, surprised by him, surprised enough that she thought hard about what to say, “Because the entire system needs to change, and I want to be a part of it. I’m going to be a part of it,”

She smiled brightly, any insecurity dissipated, as she radiated optimism…belief.

“And I have no doubt you’ll find a way,” He grinned back at her, any internal resistance he felt dismissed as he allowed himself to be completely armoured with her hope to the point that he could feel it himself.

No matter the unlikeliness of it and no matter what happened next she had made him believe that things could change, even if it was only briefly or for a moment which he knew wasn’t true. He was hopeful that she could do it, do what no one else could. She could change it all, she made him believe.

She made him hopeful.

“She doesn’t use patients as vessels to prove her worth or how impressive she is like Dr Emery and the other interns.” He persisted, the memory fading, “And that’s because she doesn’t need to prove it because she just is impressive. And I’m not referring to her impressive resume, of volunteer work and graduating top of her class at John Hopkins or even her medical knowledge and capability as a young doctor. She is impressive because she walked into these doors wanting to do good. And that is a desire that hasn't wavered.

Med school and inevitably this job train us into forgetting what are patents actually are and why we all because of doctors in the first place. The patients and our desire to help them. They are not cases to judged on the rarity or complexity of the condition they have. They are people, human beings, often in a there most vulnerable state when they come here. And much as they need capable and knowledgeable doctors, they also need another human being to depend on, to trust, to believe in. They need hope that they’re going to be okay and everything is going to be okay.

And Dr Archer gives them that.”

“I’ve exhausted every test, Rookie, what about that do you not understand?” Ethan demanded, getting up and raising his hands in frustration, “I don’t know what else I can do,”

“It’s going to be okay, Dr Ramsey,” She promised, Ethan could feel her eyes on him, despite his best efforts not to look at her, as he looks out the window of his apartment instead.

“You don’t know that,”

“And you don’t know that it won’t be,”

“I can’t let him die, Kendall,” He confessed, quietly, returning to couch, “And I also can’t break his trust. If anyone finds out the truth, he’ll fly to that beach, and I’ll lose any chance I have to save him. I don’t know what to do. I’m only what to do,”

Ethan then proceeded to hunch forward. He could feel her watching him again as he attempted to steady his rapid breathing. Then all of a sudden he feels the ghost of a hand on his knee and then the actual sensation. It was delicate and caused him to tense and stop breathing simultaneously. Though he recovered quickly, finding comfort in such a small act of intimacy.

“I’m here,”

“I know,”

“You’re going to get through this. We are going to solve this,”

“We?”

“I don’t know how much I help I’ll be but perhaps a fresh set of eyes or even a sounding board may help you. But I’m here if you need me, even if its to talk. I know you can do this,”

“You sound so certain,” He scoffed, downing the last of his wine.

“I am certain. I know you can do this. I believe in you,”

“Why?”

“Before we met I probably would have just said because you're the Dr Ethan Ramsey…”

“But now…?” He probed.

“Because the Dr Ramsey I know does everything he can and then some, especially for the people he cares about. You know he even went hunting for a stuffed frog in a storm drain,”

“Did he now?” Ethan almost chuckled, giving a small smile.

“He couldn't have done without me though,” She winked.

“This has never been a competition to her. In fact, she didn’t even want to compete at first and the only reason she did that was because joining my Diagnostic team meant that she would have the opportunity to help the people who need it the most and benefit the most from her knowledge and capability. Not because it means she’s the best intern or for the prestige of the position.”

“Rookie?” Dr Ramsey questioned, as he switched the light for the supply closet to find Kendall sitting in the corner, her head in her hands.

“Dr Ramsey,” She spluttered, standing up quickly, straightening out her jacket and rubbing her eyes in quick succession, “I was just looking for…”

“Rookie,” He said sternly, repeating himself, not breaking eye contact whilst, picking up her bloodshot eyes, and tear-stained cheeks.

She looked determined for a second longer before she sighed and turned away.

“Okay, you caught me,” She gave in, already defeated, “I was crying in the supply closet,”

“That was obvious,”

“This isn’t a regular thing,” She insisted, taking a deep breath to compose herself,’“ I haven’t cried in here since my first day,”

“Is that what we deem impressive nowadays?” He countered, characteristically, observing carefully, “Your ability to hold it together?”

“No, I just…” She started before sighing and plummeting back to the floor again, heavily.

“Kendall?” He asked, taken aback.

“Dr Ramsey, I’ll be ready for you to lecture me about my lack of emotional control in half an hour but right now…I just can’t,” Kendall whispered, “Can you just please leave me alone,”

Dr Ramsey nodded, before closing and locking the door to ensure they weren’t disturbed. He walked over and sat down on the floor beside her. She had put her hands once again.

“What happened?” He probed, gentler now.

“What are you doing?” She asked, raising her head a little to look at him sideways, her eyelashes damp and she blinked away fresh tears.

“You’re upset,” He stated, pointedly, handing her a handkerchief from his pocket.

“Why do you care?” She snapped, uncharacteristically to the point that she didn’t even immediately apologise after.

“As there is a high chance that you’ve done something that effects me, as your attending Physician, given how upset you are. So what is it? Have you given a patent the wrong medicine, misdiagnosed them or killed them?” He paused for her to answer, but she didn’t, “ I also care about you…”

“You do?”

“Yes,” He responded without thinking, before quickly scrambling to find something to add, “Like I care for all the interns,”

“Right,” She accepted, wiping her eyes.

“So?”

She sighed once again, “Someone turned off my pager,”

“Oh,” He nodded, he had already heard what had happened from a colleague.

“You heard?” She picked up.

“Your carelessness has been a hot topic today,”

“I didn’t…”

“I know,” He interrupted you, “I’ve seen you quadruple check your pager on multiple occasions,”

“Didn’t do me any good today though,” She brushed off.

Ethan felt his chest tighten at the sound of her feeling so defeated. Her brightness was dimmed and he could feel it physically. He hadn’t realised how much he had started to depend on her positivity to feel good himself.

“This completion isn’t worth it,” She suddenly said, shaking her head.

“Kendall…”

“Someone could have died because I decided to enter this competition,” She continued, breathing heavily, “And it would have been my fault because I decided to chase a dream over doing what I’m supposed to,”

“How could you possibly reach that conclusion?” He questioned, for the first time baffled by her ability to connect things together over amazed.

“I wouldn't be a target if I had joined this stupid fellowship race,”

“You aren’t a target because you joined, you’re a target because you have an actual shot of winning,”

“But it shouldn't be about winning.” She insisted, strongly, “It should be about doing our jobs to the best of our ability and someone earning it honestly, not cheating, sabotaging and putting patients at risk just to win. It’s not worth it. It defeats the whole purpose of doing this job,”

“You’re a good person, rookie,”

“You think I’m weak, don’t you?”

“No,” He corrected, “I think you’re a little naive to think that any of those other interns wouldn't step on your back to get to the top and if it were anyone else I’d say you need to get your act together and deal with it.”

“Then why aren’t you saying it?”

“Because your naivety or should I say your belief that everyone is good, your refusal to accept your position in the rat race to be the best, makes you who you are. And it’s what makes you the best intern, it what makes your competition. You don’t overthink, scheme or sabotage. You just do what you need to because your desire to help people is stronger than any of there desires to be the best. You’re a good doctor, Kendall…,” He responded, before adding despite his better judgement,

“You’re a good person,”

“So what should I do?”

“What you think is right. And don’t let them get to you again.”

“Ethan...”

“Dr Ramsey,” He corrected, looking away.

“Right,” She nodded, quickly, “I’m sorry,”

“Don’t be, I’m sorry for...everything,” He apologised once again.

“Don’t be, I don’t regret it either,” She finally smiled.

“The only question now, in my opinion, is are we going to be the hospital that fostered the potential of one of the most capable doctors that’s ever walked through our doors or are we going to be the hospital that missed out on that opportunity.”

With his conclusion, the room remained silent. A couple of board members had begun nodding in consideration of his words but no one spoke as they contemplated everything they had just heard.

“Well, Dr Ramsey, you’ve given us a lot to think about. Since there are now two final candidates we’ll reconvene same time tomorrow,” The head announced as everyone stood up and began filling out the room.

Soon only Ethan and Harper remained in the Board-Room.

“What the hell was that?” She demanded.

“My nomination,” He stated, cooly, “I think I made a pretty good argument,”

“We had an agreement,” She reminded, walking over to him with all the command and authority that made her Director, “I thought we agreed…”

“We never agreed, you told me who to nominate,”

“Because she’s always been at number one,”

“In a number ranking, you designed and manipulated,” He breathed, meeting her eyes.

“I would never…” She began to defend, getting slightly in his face.

“Not directly no,” He agreed, “But you ensured she got every opportunity to get there and stay there. She is a good doctor undoubtedly but she would be in the same position as all the other good doctors we have if she wasn’t your niece,”

“Do you really think they’re going to side with you over me after that long waffling speech of yours?” She questioned, her eyes intently staring into his, looking for a weakness or anything that would give him away.

“I’m hopeful,”

“You should know better than to be hopeful,” She scoffed.

“You should know better than forgetting to be,”

#ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #open heart #op #ethan ramsey op #ethan x kendall #playchoices #play choices #choices #choices fanfiction #choices fandom #dr ramsey #dr ramsey x mc #ethan x mc

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ninequestions9 · 5 years

Text

Lowell, 24, Part Time Worker at Edible Arrangements and Michael’s

What is the biggest frustration you’re facing now?

My biggest frustration is within myself. Nothing external in the world has really given me any frustration. I’ve recently come into some very bad habits and a lot of it was through this relationship I was just in that was really destructive. I think we didn’t really get along well ultimately because we didn’t promote good behaviors in each other. Not to put it all on the relationship because every relationship takes two to tango. A lot of that came from me allowing it to happen. You can see why a lot of that frustration is internal. I’ve gotten past that relationship though and I’m looking forward to an excellent 2020 because I finally feel like I’m able to receive the external love.

2. What trait do you wish you most had?

It’s a combination of perspective and empathy. People throw around the word empathy a lot like you care about other people. That’s a very simple version of it. But that’s not what empathy ultimately is. Empathy is similar to an out of body experience. You actually empathize with them, how they’re feeling, what their perspective is in a way that doesn’t directly relate to your own perspective. That’s really hard to do. I feel like a lot of stuff that I’ve learned since ending that relationship was like getting a different perspective of myself and what life is. I think it’s a part of growing up and becoming an adult. You learn a lot of stuff that you don’t get when you’re not an adult. It’s a difficult time to be in.

3. What are 3 characteristics you look for in a friend?

Honesty, humor. That’s all it takes. The third one would be non-malevolence. If you’re a nice person and you’re genuine then, sure. Honesty…be an honest person. Don’t lie and sneak around. Humor, be a fun person. Be a fun person to joke around with. I often think about humor as a way of learning. Humor is learning. It’s a novel thing that you experience because it’s new. Usually if you’re a humorous person it means you’re fairly intelligent and you’re interesting and you’re curious. Non-malevolence is like don’t be evil, but the more people I meet the more I realize that evil people are so rare in the world. Most people are really genuine people who aren’t trying to screw you over, but some people are so you can never be too sure.

4. What makes you feel brave?

Bravery usually requires action. Like be brave and go into that cave or be brave and face something. If the act is for someone else that I care about then I’m really brave. This New Years party in particular is a big thing that I do for the people that I care about. I’m always motivated every year to do it even through the hard times. So other people make me brave.

5. What makes you feel vulnerable?

I’ve been described as a person who is really easily vulnerable. I really put myself out there. I’m a a lot all at once. It’s a lot for most people. People get thrown off by that I think. It doesn’t take much to make me feel vulnerable. I try not to put myself in a shell too much.

6. What was your proudest moment?

I was in undergrad and my economics teacher….we had an instant connection in the class room. The lecture was something about time travel and I gave an answer about it or something and it was like a joke, but then the professor immediately responded with a rebuttal to what I was saying and it was a deadpan serious rebuttal, she wasn’t treating it like a joke. It struck me and it was so unique. I told her I’d meet her in her office afterwards to discuss and we did. That’s an example of how she’s special. One day after an exam came back and the deal was if you think there’s any discrepancy like if you think there’s anyway to challenge what the professor graded you then you can bring it up. So I was looking through it and I read a question again and I saw it was marked wrong. This is logically true what I’ve answered and I went through it like 4 or 5 times. I went to her office afterwards and I was like “This is the case. This is logically wrong and I should logically be correct.” It was clear she did not expect this and she was not happy about a student challenging her in this way. It was so natural to me. This is just what you do. If the question is marked wrong then bring it forward, but it was perceived as a challenge. We got into this discussion about what was communicated in class. It went like two or three layers deep this discussion. At one point she became visibly angry, but she has class so she kept it low and simmering. I realized I’m on the wire now. It completely threw me off and I realized like I need to give her something. In the end I convinced her that this is logically true.

The next class, she started off by saying “A student has come to me about the exam and I marked him wrong and he came and presented it in such a way.” She basically gave a play by play of our discussion. She said that she believed in her heart that this student does not have a dishonest bone in his body. Then she gave a modified version of the question for everyone to answer. She did that because of our discussion and it just hit me like, Oh my fucking God, I had an effect. We had a heart to heart. I went to her after class and I thanked her for what she did.

7. Who is your role model / hero and why?

My role model is Mark Rosewater. He is the lead designer for Magic the Gathering. It’s like a nerd’s heaven. I’m getting my brother-in-law into it and we’re playing a little bit. I’ve never really understood for most of my life, idols. Why would you idolize someone? I didn’t look up to anybody. Then it struck me very recently….I was reading a blog that he write about Magic the Gathering and one week he posted a blog post. He was like “It’s a special week and I’m going to post about something completely different from Magic the Gathering.” It was an article about hosting a party. It was all about giving good advice to party hosters and what makes a good party. It was really good advice. It was fascinating and I like hosting. He is such a multifaceted dude. He used to be like a full time comedian and he used to be a regular game designer, but he landed as head designer for Magic the fucking Gathering. He’s called it his dream job on multiple occasions. He’s been exposed to everything. He was a jack of all trades until he just happen to fall into his perfect job. He’s my role model. That’s how I want to be. Just jack of all trades until I can find something.

8. What is one life lesson you’d like to pass down to future generations?

I don’t think I’ve learned that lesson yet.

9. What is your opinion of Jesus?

Jesus was a pretty good guy. I haven’t read the Bible in a while. I’d like to read the Bible again. I want one of those versions that have the words of God in red. It makes it a little more clear of what the actual message was. I’d want to read the new testament because no where did Jesus Christ say call people who are different from you The Other. It’s scary. I don’t think it’s Christian like in the truest sense. Alan Watts is a kind of quirky dude. He’s a religious academic, or he was. He was really popular during the late 1970’s and he’s a little hippy dippy to be honest. I think he offers some really unique perspectives on Christianity and religion as an idea that you don’t often hear. He had a really good one on Christianity. He said that calling Jesus Christ the Son of God is a translation thing. The best they could do at the time that they translated the new testament to English was at a time when “the son of” was a legitimate translation of “one with,” which is the more accurate translation of what it was. That changes the whole reading doesn’t it? Every instance of “son of” becomes “one with.” Jesus was one with God. He and God are the same. He’s not like a son in the sense; he’s not a different being. It’s wild. That’s why they call it the great paradox. How can you be three in one? Yet, here it is Jesus and God are one. It’s beautiful and it’s incredibly democratic. Watt’s view is that this man on earth became one with God.

He is a man on earth who is birthed. You and him are the same, reader. He’s a human and he is God-like. He’s divine. It’s very democratic. God isn’t some being out there. He’s here on earth with you. He’s here to talk with you. Incredibly familial and friendly. Like one on one. In a way that the concept of God could never be in that sense.

I’ll take a quick aside to tell a Christian short story that I think perfectly describes what I just described. There was a man and it was Christmas Eve. The man was not religious anymore. He was over the whole God thing. This man thought how could God be so ludicrous. If God is all powerful, surely he’d be able to talk to me. He can do anything he wants, why can’t he just speak to me directly and not send down this messenger. The rest of his family went to church that night for Christmas Eve service and he stayed in the cold farm house. It’s a freezing blizzard outside. He looks out the window and sees this bird in the blizzard. An injured baby bird flopping around on the ground. He’s like, oh my god it’s going to freeze to death. He had empathy and compassion so he said I gotta save this bird. I gotta get you and bring you into the barn where you’ll be warm and at least you won’t die. The bird wouldn’t listen. The bird was freaking out when he approached him to guide him. The bird was flapping and injuring himself even more. The man was like, why doesn’t this bird do what I want him to do? I’m trying to help it out, why doesn’t it just listen? That’s when it occurred to him that God must have had the same problem. I think it’s all well and good the whole Jesus idea. But the way that’s it’s being practiced now a days is not to those beliefs. That’s my firm opinion of Jesus Christ. I think he’s an excellent man, but I think he’s losing sight of his flock if you ask me.

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carterhaughs · 7 years

Text

Desire, Duty, & Transformative Self-Love: How Revan Saved Bastila

I posted this analysis some years ago and wanted to repost it now that I have more friends into SW following me.

The thing I’ve thought most about since finishing KOTOR a few days ago (I’ve yet to play KOTOR II but I will when I get home for winter break and have access to a PC) is why Bastila turned to the Dark Side, and why she returned to the Light (or in my interpretation, the Gray, although KOTOR I doesn’t really make this clear).

In-game, there are a number of factors alluded to as being decisive in her choice - her headstrong, wilful tendencies are twice brought up by Jolee in his reasoning as to why she turned despite being strong, and I think it was also he who mentioned that Bastila exposed herself to Revan’s “dark taint” when she touched his mind. The dark influence of the Star Forge on those in its presence is mentioned too - it drove the entire race of the Rakata mad with power and jealousy, after all - and even though the connection is never made explicit, this, too, probably had some impact on Bastila as it was the facility in which she was tortured. It’s easy to think of this dark influence functioning in a way similar to that of the One Ring in the Lord of the Rings series - it preys upon one’s weaknesses, as Jolee explained Malak did upon Bastila’s.

In addition to all the nebulous yet substantive reasons given in-game, I believe a few other influential factors can reasonably be inferred from Bastila’s upbringing. It seems likely to me that Bastila was raised to be a weapon but never fully understood for whom she was meant to pull the trigger. Like all jedi-in-training, she was purposely isolated from the world she was meant to protect for much of her childhood, but I imagine her isolation was even more complete than that of other younglings and Padawan. The moment her affinity for Battle Meditation was discovered, I think she was probably further isolated from her peers in order that it might be honed as quickly and effectively as possible - she had the potential to be an extremely powerful weapon, exactly what the Republic needed in the Jedi Civil War. Bastila’s fierce strength of will probably lent itself well to the unprecedented speed with which she developed her Battle Meditation ability, and in her isolation she probably came to believe that it was the end all, be all of her existence. She was a weapon for the Republic’s use before she was anything else, and indeed, as a Jedi, there was little opportunity for her to be anything else. She was meant to live a life of non-attachment and stifled emotions, and on top of that, she was meant to serve as a tool. With no other substantive worldly connections besides her connection to the abstract good of the Republic, she likely felt very alone, and consequently based her self-worth on her ability to serve as an effective tool to the Republic. How else was she to value herself, with no other metric of human connection and no real understanding of her own self-worth beyond her efficacy as a tool?

While this would have been hard on anyone, it was especially hard on Bastila, whose capacity and need for love is singularly acute. It’s clear from her actions prior to falling to the Dark Side that she valued the connections she formed with others deeply - why else would she so willingly sacrifice herself for Revan and Carth’s sake without a second thought? How ironic that the first connection she’s ever truly allowed to have with someone is with a former Dark Lord of the Sith! It really speaks to her isolation that the only reason she is allowed to foster this bond is because of a technicality - she must probe Revan’s mind for the coordinates to the pieces of the star map to the Star Forge in order that she might, once again, serve as an effective tool for the Republic. And in the course of that mission, she can’t help but become attached to this bond, the first she’s ever been allowed to share, even though she knows of the dangers that come with valuing bonds in such a deep and abiding way. They lead to love, the form of attachment most offensive to the Jedi code, and love leads to the Dark Side (or so she has been taught). It’s not surprising that Bastila formed a Force Bond with Revan in particular - canonically, both of them have stubborn, headstrong natures conducive to an independent-minded strength of will that flies in the face of the Jedi Code.

Her lonely subconscious fed on that unorthodoxy - that potential “dark taint” that colored Revan’s memories - because in him (or her - I’m saying him simply for convenience’s sake and bc I played a dude Revan), it had unwittingly found a kindred spirit. Bastila was given to self-loathing because she could not purge herself of that unorthodoxy - that fierce, strident spirit so discouraged by the Jedi Order. I believe that the Jedi Order saw it as an inappropriate reliance on self-love and hubris, but their mistake was in assuming that a prideful spirit will inevitably meet its end in this way. Their attempt to stifle and eradicate it did nothing but suppress it instead of dealing with it in a healthy way by looking at it as a means for self-improvement and self-preservation that has its own rewards both for oneself and others. Pride can be a folly, but you cannot divorce the sense of self, no matter how disproportionate, from the quest for self-improvement. It would have been better to acknowledge Bastila’s self-love (which they only encouraged by reminding her daily that the entire Republic relied on her abilities) and teach her to deal with it in a healthy way and use it as a means to help others by way of the confidence and conviction required for effective leadership. Instead, they expected her to subjugate her fierce spirit (a spirit that likely developed at least in part as a defense mechanism when she was asked to become the only thing standing between the Republic and total annihilation) to complete humility instead of a healthy degree of self-regard that still made room for compassion.

When she was tortured by Malak, she was alone again - she’d lost the one connection in her life that she’d ever been allowed to have - her connection with Revan. Bastila was once again just a weapon - it was all she was and all that mattered. Alone and vulnerable and in constant pain, she was open to suggestion. And as she explains when you fight her at the Star Forge, the Dark Side gave her free rein to rely on the passions she’d kept so tightly coiled for so many years. In unimaginable pain, it’s no wonder that she gave in to the way her proud spirit cried out at the injustice of it all. As a weapon with no connection to anyone, what did it matter for whom she pulled the trigger? What really mattered was whether or not she was in control - that she was the one pulling it, at her whim. That she wasn’t being used and that her personhood was respected. Even if Malak, too, only saw her as a tool, one day she could surpass him. For years, she’d been denied her passions and the need for connection they’d entailed so that she could fulfil her sole purpose as the Republic’s trump card. With no connection to those the Republic sought to protect, in her despair, she could see no inherent value in their protection. She could only see the value of self-love when self-love was all she’d ever been able to develop as it was all she was allowed to have, even though it, too, was discouraged. And her upbringing had encouraged her to view the world in binaries, so she chose the Dark Side instead of some third way that harmonized her desires with her duties. She’d only ever been allowed to love the good of the Republic in the abstract and had not been allowed to witness love with a human face.

Until she met Revan. She was encouraged to connect with him, even though that connection was meant only to be instrumental to the Republic’s cause. But in forging that first connection, he gave her something to hold on to and that’s why, canonically, he is able to pull her back. He was able to find some value in the Light Side not in spite of his passions, but because of them. He was able to channel his fierce love of the world into a desire to protect it with as much compassion as he can muster, and he is living proof that she can do the same, and that non-attachment and emotional repression are nowhere near as conducive to strength against the Dark Side as well-grounded love and compassionate fervor. And it is her recognition of this as the foundation of their bond - that this is what she loves about him - that leads her to realize that she, too, can become the best version of herself by following his path because she sees herself in him. She’s openly loved by him as a person, not because she’s a potent tool. To me, it’s as if they’re two sides of the same coin (and that is likely why they were Force-Bound) - Bastila’s will to resist the Dark Side was weakened by her having lived too little within the world and too much in the abstract without anything to which she might tether herself, while Revan’s fall was linked to cynicism - to having seen too much of the world and being sickened by it (like the destruction of the Cathar homeworld by the Mandalorians that lead to his acquiring his mask) and desiring to rectify it by any means possible. They are each others’ obverse, and together they are completed by love. It’s as Jolee said - “Love doesn’t lead to the dark side. Passion can lead to rage and fear, and can be controlled… but passion is not the same thing as love. Controlling your passions while being in love… that’s what they should teach you to beware. But love itself will save you… not condemn you."

#bastila shan #darth revan #knights of the old republic #kotor #revastila #kotor meta #my kotor meta #please talk to me about these games #I love them so much

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