#the happiness is so short lived
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return of the king messes me up every time i watch it. like. you can’t go home, home will never be the same because you have changed. you will never return from this journey. physically you may go back, but mentally a part of you is left behind. something is missing. you become changed by the grief and it never really leaves you. there was something i told my mom a while back. i told her i hadn’t felt truly happy or excited for anything in a long time. she told me that was part of being an adult. even if she didn’t mean it this way, i think i understand.
#grief is eternal. it never goes away life just grows around it#and the losses add up. and they begin to make the good seem duller#there are so many happy parts of return of the king#but like. i have trouble focusing on them because im so focused on the fact that it’s over. this is the end#the happiness is so short lived#it’s instantly followed by goodbyes#even arwen and aragorn#they’re both mortal now#and then the elves leaving#the age of magic is gone#like. it makes me feel so empty for some reason#i know these movies are about hope#but for some reason#i feel the hope more in the first and second movies#like yes the quest is complete#but i always think the worst part of going anywhere is going back home#and that’s what they do. they go home and they say goodbye. and it’s the end.#i just. i hate endings i hate when things change i hate when an era is done and you can never go back to how things were#nona the ninth i need you right now#and then the nature of stories. we tell it again and frodo is right back at the beginning#not yet aware of the burden he will carry#im thinking about this too much#i need to go to bed#me when cycles#me when the character will never escape from this#me when the story can only exist with someone to tell it to#and every time it is told the characters get to live again#even if they have to experience all the hurt and pain once more#me rambling#this got so off track
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I cannot express enough that if your reaction, as a hobby artist, to not getting that many notes on your art is to say "maybe I should just stop doing art altogether" you need to stop posting art to tumblr
not necessarily forever, not even for long, but just stop putting your art on here and start doing it for you again, remember why you enjoyed doing art in the first place and stop relying on the attention of faceless people on the internet for your enjoyment of your hard work
believe me, I get it, nothing crushes the artistic soul quite like labouring for hours on a piece only for it to get like 10 notes, so you need to find your own source of joy in the act of creation and a lot of the time that means making art and not showing it to anybody
#not art#listen#for real#this is not about any one person because i've seen posts about it from a bunch of people#you think i post everything here? buddy i dont even post half my stuff here#every drawing you see is preceded by five more just like it#that never see my cursor close to the save button#i have a sketchbook i draw in regularly that i do'nt show to a single goddam person#i make cutout art from gels i steal from work and stick them to my windows and do paintings in my living room just for me#because that it the only way you are ever going to be able to retain your original love of art#is by doing it for the sake of doing it#not for the sake of seeing how many people stop and stare#anyways i'm sorry if this sounds terse#but i'm so sick of seeing artists put all their self-esteem and happiness in the hands of a blogging website#stop selling yourself short by measuring your self worth by how many reblogs you get and what people say in the tags#your artistry and your happiness are worth more than that#if you're an artist for a living that's another story#but even then#even then#anyways sorry i'm done ranting
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purple never looked so good 💜
cr. namuspromised
#GRAPE JIN SUPREMACY#kim seokjin#seokjingifs#bts#btsgif#dailybts#dailybangtan#userbangtan#annietrack#usersky#userdimple#userpat#tuserandi#useremmeline#usersan#uservans#heyryen#*mine#1k#ksj#wwh indeed#I can’t believe he is real#LOVE OF MY LIFE#he was actually my first bias (very short but passionately lived)#i wasn't so happy with a gifset in a loooooong time
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STATION 19 | 7.10: One Last Time
#station 19#station19edit#carina x maya#maya x carina#marina#marinaedit#wlwsource#wlwgif#maya bishop#carina deluca#photoset#I am v sick so do not have interesting thoughts BUT I'm just v happy that they and their family get to live happily ever after#and that carina wasn't given short hair and bangs in the flashforwards/dream sequences
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A Panic in Time (DP x DC)
This is all thanks to the awesome @tkiesai for basically being the foundation of this idea! This is probably going to be long, and probably won't delve that deep into my ideas about this idea. Largely so it's not insanely long. But here I go!
°•°•°•°
Bruce's head felt like it had been shoved through a straw and spit out on the other side. The throbbing was annoying, but it wasn't anything the man couldn't handle.
His mind was muddled, memories of what happened prior to him awaking was blurry and unsure. Bruce knew it wasn't something good.
He vaguely remembered a league meeting, a threat, something looming. It wasn't world ending, or at least that's what Bruce remembered. It should have been something they could handle.
But now, here was Bruce. Waking up in the grass of some random park. He was dressed in casual attire, something he'd wear in public as Bruce. Although last he remembered he was in the Batsuit.
The sun felt too bright in the sky. The sound of families filled the air and children's laughter. No one seemed to blink twice at Bruce as he pulled himself together.
It took a moment to steel himself, to gain composer again. It took a few sweet lines, and a charming smile for a nice mother to slide him a few painkillers. The lies rolling off his tongue like second nature.
To his luck there was a newspaper at the top of the trashcan. He was in some town called Amity Park, and the year... the year was the problem.
It was 1996. Whatever had happened had sent Bruce back in time. There was a few suspects Bruce can think were the cause of this. But something in his gut kept drawing his train of thought to the Flash.
It seemed like each time the League had any time related problems, Barry was in the center of it. Which also leaves Bruce with the question if he was the only one sent back in time.
God, he could only imagine the nightmare if the others were sent back in time. Yes, they can be professional. They understand the risk of changing things in the past.
But Bruce also understands that his team can be less than... intelligent at times.
Despite that, Bruce needed to find a way to get back to Gotham. He might not know for sure where everyone was right now, but he knew Alfred was the safest bet.
A plan laid out in Bruce's mind, a list of people he knew wouldn't be a risk to approach. He just needed to find a way to get to them. He had barely made it to the gates of the park before a shrill cry pierced the air.
There was just one loud outcry, before it quieted down. Bruce glance around the space, spotting a young boy curled on the ground. Tears streamed down the boy's chubby cheeks.
And no one even moved to the boy's aid. Not a single mother spared more than one glance in the kid's directions. No parents came rushing over to the boy's side.
Bruce almost walked away, he really did. This wasn't his time, anything he does can cause immense damage to the timeline. But when Bruce caught sight of blood bubbling from a scrape on the boy's knee, Bruce couldn't ignore him.
Maybe it's just the father in him, but Bruce barely even notices when he's crossing the small distance. His mind zeroing in on a hurt child that needed help. Kneeling before the small boy with a gentle smile, and pulling his handkerchief free from his pocket.
"You're alright there, buddy. It looks like you took a bit of a tumble there." Bruce slipped into the same tone he used to use when his kids were young. Gentle and understanding, as he pressed the handkerchief to the small scrape.
The boy sniffled, tears slipping from his eyes. Bruce was more focused on the way the kid was looking at him. Like he couldn't fathom someone coming to his aid.
That look had Bruce's heart breaking slightly. He's seen a similar look before. The few times he's come to the aid of a hurt child that wasn't used to getting help.
Something no child should ever feel or experience.
"Where's your parents, kiddo?" Bruce asked after a moment of silence from the boy. He had waited until the kid's breathing settled down when the boy's chest stopped pumping so quickly.
Except his question only seemed to bring a new wave of tears to the boy's eyes. The small child just seemed to curl into himself further, ducking his gaze away from Bruce.
And as much as Bruce didn't want it to be true, it was clear the kid didn't have the support he needed. It might not as be as far as some of Bruce's kids have had in the past.
But it was clearly not good.
"That's okay, it's alright. What's your name?" Bruce tried again. The boy's silence was leaving an uncomfortable pit in Bruce's stomach.
"D-Danny..." The boy spoke out his name between sniffles, and Bruce felt a wave of relief hearing the boy speak.
In hindsight, Bruce can see how strange the scene might look. A slightly disheveled man comforting a lone young boy in a park. It wasn't exactly perfect.
But with the lack of reactions from the parents around, Bruce had a feeling the town had an idea who this boy was. The whole situation just didn't feel that right for him.
It took a few more comments before Bruce managed to get the boy to crack a smile. A laugh had felt like breaking a massive wall.
Before long, Bruce had Danny actually like any other boy he's known. Carefree and happy, just like a child should be.
"You didn't tell me your name, mister." Danny had suddenly cut down the relaxed moment they were in. A pout laced the boy's lips as he looked up at Bruce, almost accusatory.
"I'm Bruce. Bruce Wayne." Bruce responded without missing a beat. He knew this might cause problems in the future. He wasn't supposed to be here.
But when his gut is telling him something, he can't just ignore it. He checked his pockets, finding no business cards anywhere. So, Bruce fell back in plan B.
"No matter how long it's been from now, you can come to me for help. Just look for Bruce Wayne in Gotham City, and when you find me... just say Fairbanks sent you."
Bruce wasn't sure if he'll ever see Danny again when he goes back to his own time. Wasn't even sure if this was the same universe as his own. But he couldn't walk away without at least offering the boy help in some way.
When Danny's eyes filled up with tears again, Bruce thought he said something wrong at first. That was until the boy was suddenly clinging to his shoulders in a tight embrace, muttering 'thank you' over and over again.
Bruce felt himself almost close to tears just from that alone. His heart was aching for the small boy. Even if Bruce couldn't help Danny anymore than this, he was hoping the boy would have a better life.
One where he wasn't clinging to a stranger for comfort that family should be providing him.
THWAMP
It didn't hurt, but it did cut their hug short as Bruce suddenly pulled away. Turning his head to see a young girl wielding a wiffle bat, and another young boy standing behind her.
Her purple eyes glared at Bruce like he had done the worst thing in the world. Her grip on the bat was threatening and ready to swing again. Her knuckles white from the tight grip alone.
Maybe leaving this time era might not be as easy as Bruce thought as the young girl probbed him with angry and scolding questions. Not that Bruce could blame her.
He just hoped this hiccup didn't get back to the league. They'd have a field day hearing about how Batman got scolded by a child with a wiffle bat.
°•°•°•°•°•°
Danny wasn't sure if this was the best idea. It's been years since he met Bruce Wayne. So many years. Danny had just been a kid, not even ten, when Bruce had introduced himself.
When he had an adult, actually check in on him. Yet, it was a memory Danny couldn't forget. Maybe it was just the kindness that Bruce radiated.
Or maybe it was when Sam came to his "rescue" near the end. Regardless, it was cemented in his mind. A core memory that Danny cared with him through the years.
Now, here he was, roughly seven years later. Standing in front of a manor that put even Sam's place to shame.
It took a lot of courage for Danny to knock. Barely a second later, an old man answered the door, an accent Danny was certain Bruce hadn't had.
A stuttered explaination of being here to see Bruce Wayne, that the man knew him, barely left Danny's mouth before the old man ushered him inside.
The man, Alfred, told Danny to wait by the door before vanishing further into the manor. It took a lot for Danny to not just vanish.
Being half ghost nowadays had its quirks, Danny could just vanish, and no one but Alfred would know. But he couldn't.
It had taken a lot for Danny to make the journey to Gotham City. He hadn't even thought to look up a current picture of Bruce either. Which was probably a big mistake on his end.
Danny didn't even know if Bruce was offering this kind of help. But Danny didn't have many allies to turn to. He needed help.
Not just for himself but for his family. For Amity Park. He couldn't be afforded the ability to run away. Not now.
Danny felt all the air leave his lungs when Bruce entered the area. The man didn't look a day older than what Danny remembered. Bruce looked a bit more put together, not like he had just jumped out of a moving car, but it was Bruce.
"Uhm... I don't know if you remember me. But my name's Danny... we met when I was a kid." Danny started trying to explain himself before Bruce could speak. He recognized that confused look anywhere, and Danny didn't have the guts to go through with this if Bruce asked any questions.
"You told me if I ever needed help, to come find you. Bruce Wayne in Gotham City... you, uh, told me to tell you Fairbanks sent me?"
That came out more like a question than Danny would have liked. But it did ease his nerves a bit as he watched Bruce's slightly confused expression turn to alarm and surprise.
Danny wasn't sure what this would do. If Bruce could truly help him. But he was out of options. Just seeing Bruce recognize something he said was enough to calm the teen's anxiety slightly.
"I'm sorry, Danny... I don't remember you. But I believe you and I want to help you. Come inside, have a seat, and tell me what's going on."
That response was enough to have Danny's eyes fill with tears. His chest filling with a sense of hope he hadn't felt in weeks now.
Maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.
#dc x dp#batman#dp x dc#phandom#bruce wayne#danny fenton#child danny fenton#sam manson#tucker foley#ofc Sam saw a stranger hugging her crying friend and wasn't going to just stand by#is it really dpxdc without angst?#for whatever reason when Bruce went back to his time he had forgotten the memories of what happened during his trip#he didn't remember meeting Danny but he couldn't just ignore a teen who knows one of the few codewords he has#besides how could Bruce not believe a kid who has his codeword and looks exactly like a child Bruce would adopt#Bruce will never live this down#just because he doesn't remember doesn't mean Danny and everyone else doesn't#they know so Bruce get's to learn a second time about being battered with a wiffle bat by child Sam#no current plans to turn this into a full fic cause I'm trying to keep my list of active fics short#but if anyone wants to take this idea and run with it all I require is a link drop!!!#I partly wanted to write more#but my brain is only coming up with certain scenes and not how it all ties into the main plot#basically Justice League stuff happens that sends Bruce (and maybe others) back in time where Bruce meets child Danny#what exactly well don't ask me#Danny be crying a bit in this one#but come on he was just a baby at the start#by the end he's just an overwhelmed teenager who is just happy to have someone who might be able to help on his side
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#tumblr polls#polls#Sorry if the wording is weird. I thought ''be considered X where I live'' would make the most sense since 'tallness' or etc. is sort of#subjective to the people around you or your specific culture/area/etc. And if I just said ''I'm tall'' or ''I'm short'' then#the response might be 'well how do I define whether I'm tall or not?'' or etc. But then most people could probably look#at the people around them in daily life they interact with and compare based on that to get a more literal idea or something#..ANYWAY.. lol.. as usual just thought of some random thing and was like.. hrmm... i wonder what the most common#feeling about that would be.#personally I'm not even short but I just want to be really really tall... like... 7 feet tall or something. In a fantasy world type of way#of course. so like a super tall elf creature. More realistically I suppose you get health problems past a certain point#so maybe I'd be happy with 6'2“ or so.#Absolutely no hate towards people with this preference but I've always had trouble understanding the idea of wanting to be shorter#so you're Small And Cute or this and that. or whatever the base reason is. I suppose I would understand it from a surivval prespective#maybe you want to be able to hide in your environment easier and blend into a crowd. I personally would like people to be inspired to run#away from me when they see me though gjhbj#In an average grocery store or something just a normal day but then some 8 foot tall wizard man walks in and so everyone#kind of backs away slowly = yaaay I get the aisle all to myself and can shop for my produce in peace.#(except for the fact that there's a subsection of people who would intepret it as spectacle and would run towards instead of away#and pull out their dumbass phones to film Weird Thing Happening. in which case. spell of 'phone melts into molten plastic in your hands#stop filming strangers in public without their consent' be cast upon ye. )
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old hunter oc 🎉
#he. he so short he could give gascoigne head standing up#GODS i want to draw him in Situations™#i like to think that hes dead when the game happens#hihi huhu <3#my art#art#digital art#artists on tumblr#i also like to think that the old hunters were just a bunch of friends when the hunt started and they just fucked around a little bit#wrote 'boobies' on the wall with beast blood or something#let them live and be happy please#bloodborne#bloodborne fanart#bloodborne oc#bloodborne hunter#lady maria of the astral clocktower#gehrman the first hunter#father gascoigne#old hunter henryk#bloodborne art#he doesnt have a name becasue i am lazy and i suck at naming#hes just some guy#män guys i love fromsoft
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can we hear more about carlos if you'd be so generous (genuine)
OH GLADLY. so ive mentioned hes the protag of a thing im making, so i wanted the broad strokes of his premise to be simple: he's a reaper! made to go up and bring souls to wherever the hell they go after death, ect ect. he was pretty good at it!
but the setting im writing here is a pretty standard "death but its a bureaucracy" type thing. something something small business growth, higher demand, things get streamlined, job title changes, ect
so he was Less Good at the desk job angle. but he worked at it! once again, he's one of the best!
is it what he was originally created to do? no. is it what he thought he'd be doing for eternity when he decided he found the most personal fulfillment in being good at what he does? not really. is it so drastically different that it's actually atrophying some facets of his personality a little? maybe. is he happy?
the important thing is, he's good at it!
#anon#psychopompous#im being vague as if i dont have the entire lore of him and his work mapped out like three times over because its Not Relevant#its just something for Me to Chew On. the game aint even about him it's about marianne getting her head cut off and being mad about it#but i adore him so. he gets A Lot Of Thought Allocation on a daily basis lol#even wrote a short orpheus retelling with this idiot. im in deep#anyway thank u for the ask it like physically granted me energy im always happy to talk about the weird skeleton guys that live in my head#doodles
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Sometimes the heaviest burden you bear is. Your dad
#😶#every day i wake up and have to accept i do in fact have a father out there and he also lives so fucking close to me#and every day i make the very happy choice of forgetting it#thank god for my apathy for making me able to cut him off with no regrets no sadness no pain#hm anywyas sorry for this short vent but man i hate my dad :)
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Look I like Roger enough, I understand what he represents and I generally don’t think he was a bad dude. I do however think he was shit at interpersonal relationships because, what the fuck. Whitebeards crew is infinitely more well adjusted and I’d say he arguably had the more traumatic death.
Like what even, what kind of planning leads a 53 year old man to sire a child knowing he is dying of an incurable illness and is about to turn himself in to be excuted by the marines where he will cause so much chaos it is literally still turning the world on its head 22 years later. He knew he was going to cause so much of a stir that he literally disbanded his crew and told them to spread far and wide to keep them safe. Because he knew the marines would hunt them far and wide But yet he still brought a baby into the world. Babe. What the fuck? What even is that? What was the thought process. I sincerely hope it was an accident and not a deliberate attempt to bring about a new era.
Because if so babe I need to see the recipe or I’m afraid we can never let you cook again
#even tho that baby was ace and I love ace#it’s the way I don’t think there is a single former member of his crew that we’ve seen that I would say is currently happy#like don’t get me wrong I respect his will he seems like a great dude#but you know what they say about great men they’re often not good men#like definition he burned to bright he couldn’t help but leave all his loved ones in the dust as he burned himself out on a fiery explosion#the absentee father vibes are strong with this one#I would argue that he gave all 3 of his sons complexes#fucking ace has such terrible self worth issues and lived his life waiting to die.#shanks is also trying to drink himself to death is so chill it is literaly hazardous to his health and had his dreams arrested at 15#and Buggy is the worst case of forgotten child syndrome and arrested development that I have ever seen#I wouldn't say someone like Marco is currently happy but you can definetly see a future where he is after the grief settles a little more#but it’s been 22 years and Rayleigh is still drinking himself into a stupor and waiting for the second coming of his captain#gol d roger#portagas d. ace#gol d. roger#roger pirates#whitebeard pirates#throwing thoughts to the void#one piece#op#one piece thoughts#one piece meta#I know people like to paint his as this mastermind that practically orchestrated the current happenings in canon#but I think they forget just how much that would make him a giant asshole. pulling the strings of peoples lives#which is such anthesis to everything we know about him and his resemblance with luffy he’s never try to control his crews lives#especially not from beyond the grave#I genuinely think he planned none of it he was just a man trying his best and falling short in some areas#shanks#silvers rayleigh
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("Don't be gentle with me—I like it when you're rough) with Bayverse Leo please 💙
Smut prompts!
18+ / NSFW / Bayverse Leo / he's late to mid-twenties and horny af / pegging/dom!reader
A thin drool strand trickled down his snout onto the bed, hands clinging tightly to the sheets as he struggled not to fall face-first into the mattress. His heavy breathing filled the room as long, breathy moans escaped his mouth.
"Fuck— yeah, there," he whimpered. "Go deeper."
You thrust once more just as he asked, yet mind-wrecking softly. Leo moaned, voice trembling. His muscly arms tensed, holding his weight and a bit of yours.
"Are you alright, love? " you cooed, dragging your nails across his shell to make him shiver. "You seem particularly desperate tonight."
Leo hissed at your teasing, turning his head just enough to steal a glance from you.
"You're going too slow," he panted. "Don't be gentle with me—I like it when you're rough."
You give him a dark smirk. "I might fuck you just as you want to if you beg enough."
#Keep them coming! I'm the mood for short thirsts!#i'm so happy living in a world where there are kinktobers#tmnt smut#leo tmnt#tmnt bayverse#tmnt leo x reader
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Whatever you do, do not think about how all Kelly (and later Cas) wanted was for Jack to have a good, normal life and they both literally died for him, to make sure he was born and he was safe and loved and protected
but instead Jack never had a moment’s peace in his very short traumatic life until he gave up everything to save the world
and only found a measure of peace when he was back in heaven with both Kelly and Cas
whatever you do, don’t think about that
#Jack Kline deserved to live a happy peaceful life#he deserved to go to school/ college#make friends his own age#and he definitely deserved to not be so fkn traumatized#in short Jack Kline deserved better#supernatural#castiel#spn#jack kline#Kelly Kline#dadstiel#Jack and cas
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Met Joshua Williamson at NYCC during one of his signings! He said of all the characters he wants to protect the most at DC, it would be Damian because that’s his “baby boy” 🥺 Said he’s tired of people hurting Damian since he’s already gone through so much his whole life.
Asked him 2 questions!
What accent does Damian have?
Others have asked him but he doesn’t want to say, because he wants people to talk about it! He mentioned Damian has only lived in America for 4 years, and would naturally have an accent.
Who decided on Damian’s new hair?
Simone - Joshua said he didn’t notice it at first and then he was like “UMMM IT KINDA LOOKS LIKE TIM…”
He let it go because he thought about how Tim has had different hairstyles, and Damian is young and still growing.
#damian wayne#the baby boy bit was like a short version of that one interview he had but i was just happy to hear him say it in person LOL 😭#he even did a cradling motion when he called Damian a baby a second time 😭#im so happy whenever ppl call Damian their baby HE JUST IS HUH 😭#he asked what accent i think Damian would have and when i replied Arabic he emphasized creating discussion on the topic#‘Damian isn’t from America remember he’s only lived there for 4 years’#there’s a tangent after this that im still trying to make sense of or recall correctly but it was about the ppl Damian was surrounded by#when he stayed in Gotham and besides Bruce one of them was Alfred who ALSO has an accent#anyway friendly guy! he had a line going but he made time to really chat especially if you have questions!#rambling
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Everyday I hope for a stob short in the sonic movie 3 digital release just like we got drone home for movie 2. Like imagine if we could get a funny short taking place before the movie with rob and stone shenanigans inside the crab. ☹️☹️❤️
#like I know the movie 2 short was after the movie and only had the cgi characters so they didn’t have to bring actors on set…#but I can dream okay#I’m just desperate for extra stob content to lull the pain rn#holding out for the deleted scenes and bloopers too#I love Sonic lore but I’d just be so happy if we got more footage of stob’s daily lives inside the crab#stobotnik#agent stone#jimbotnik#agent stone x robotnik#robotnik x stone
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if i'm being entirely honest i find the term "spiritual psychosis" annoying at best. it makes me feel as though i, as someone with schizoaffective disorder, need to work extra hard to "prove" my spiritual beliefs are valid.
here's the thing. my spirituality has always been and will always be flavored and colored by being schizoaffective. even when i was an atheist i could not untangle the two. there's never going to be a way for me to know where the line is drawn between my spiritualism and my psychosis. for example i will probably never shake the idea that i died and was resurrected, and that event holds SIGNIFICANT spiritual meaning for me, even on antipsychotics, even when i can recognize that yes, it's probably the remains of a delusion.
so please tell me, why is it anyone else's business if i incorporate that into my religious practices? it harms no one and gives me one more reason to rejoice. if it started causing actual problems, putting me in danger, causing me distress, bringing along disorganized thinking or anything of the sort, that's when it would be time for me to get help. but really and truly i would not want random people im not close with to tell me to get that help, especially if their only clues into my mental state come from my spiritual practices. i am not a dog to be taken to the vet. sometimes people are psychotic and we exist in your communities and we have religious beliefs and you have GOT to suck it up and allow space for us, however our conditions affect us and our practices.
it's also just. buries my face in my hands. you can just say psychosis, you don't need a special term for it. again it just makes me feel like i'm being singled out and not being taken seriously because there's a long LONG history of psychotic/schizospec people having our mental illnesses used as reason to disregard us. please just mind your business.
#cadaver speaks#mostly prompted by me looking into godspousing after a very interesting experience#and seeing someone basically say most godspouses are experiencing spiritual psychosis#which read more to me as a complaint about how other people practice than actual concern for people's mental health#do i know whether i was visited by dionysus or just have silly silly brain chemicals? NOPE#and it's entirely fucking futile to try to figure it out because you can't prove any gods exist and i'm an unreliable narrator!#so i have to ask myself: what will make me happy?#should i deny myself the joy of worship just because i drew the short straw and got saddled with schizoaffective?#or should i say fuck it and do what will make me happy?#i want to live! i beg to live!! i am wrenching the fullness of my feeble human life from nonpsychotics' hands!!!#obligatory disclaimer that if you're psychotic/schizospec and you find the term spiritual psychosis useful that's fine#anyway. society will not be free until the lunatics are free from our chains and shackles. or something#mad pride#schizophrenia#schizoaffective#actually schizophrenic#actually schizoaffective#actually schizospec#spirituality#paganism#witchcraft#mental health#if anyone willfully misinterprets what i'm saying you owe me one thousand usd#if it doesn't make sense reread the post or move on. good Bye
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there is something so. intensely frustrating about feeling incapable of showing up for people the way that they want you to
#i wish people understood that it's so hard to be present in their lives and that closeness for me isnt about frequency of contact#but how open we feel during that contact#my brain is such a difficult place to live in it is so loud and so busy all the time#24 hours a day is a constant monologue and argument with myself for everything and it means that i just dont have the capacity to talk to#others most of the time#and like. i know this is so unreasonable. obviously we have to be present in the lives of people that care for us#but it just feels like every day i have to like. get on a stage and perform to every person in my life that cares about me so i can meet the#criteria of being a Good Friend or Good Girlfriend or Good Fan Artist or Good Mutual or Good Server Member#i feel like it is such a blessing to be seen by others as someone to expect things from#but as more people have started to love me it feels like i have to 'go out and perform' more and more and i am very exhausted#i wish i was someone that was easy to love and care for in the way that i am. and i dont mean that self deprecatingly it's just#i know im very hard to care about and love. because i disappear all the time and come back in a big flurry as soon as i get the energy back#and im just feeling it a Lot More lately because im starting to think this isnt going to be a short term thing i have to do before i start#feeling comfortable with a person#this is going to be my whole life#if i get married im going to have to 'go out and perform' and be a good wife and be affectionate and happy and not closed into my own brain#for days#if im going to make friends with colleagues I'll have to go out when they invite me and have to reply ro their texts and i cant just go#silent for weeks while i try to negotiate with my thoughts and then reappear once i make the slightest breakthrough#im very tired and sad. i want companionship but i feel like the kind of person i am is not fair for people who would be my companion#vent post#♡alizeh talks♡
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