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mileawrites · 3 years ago

Text

Baby

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x female!reader

Warnings: some angst in the beginning I guess, fluff, proof read but mistakes could still be there

Summary: Oh for her he would do whatever. He is whipped. The question is if she is as whipped as him.

Inspiration: a freaking Justin Bieber Song called Baby, technically I got the inspiration from a girl singing the bold lines in this work, I do not have the Tik Tok saved though

Word count: about 2.500 (whoopsie)

_____________________

A week ago:

Oh for you I would have done whatever and I just can‘t believe we ain‘t together

Bucky watched her from the kitchen as she talked about something to Natasha and Wanda that excited her. Her whole face lit up and her eyes had that sparkle in them that always appeared when she was excited or simply just happy.

With his super soldier hearing he would have probably heard what she talked about but he was to distracted from how happy she looked. It suited her. Happiness. Bucky would do anything for her to make sure she stays happy. If she had a bad day though, which sometimes is just inevitable, he will make sure to cheer her up. Like watching her favorite movie in pajamas and a ton of snacks with hot cocoa and tiny marshmallows, or a walk in the park at the ass crack of dawn. In any way possible and even if it is embarrassing. He didn‘t care. It didn‘t even matter that Sam would always call him whipped afterwards. He was totally whipped and he knew it. Despite always rolling his eyes so hard they may get stuck in his head and muttering a „Shut up“, there was simply no denying his feelings for this certain girl.

Maybe there are some feeling involved on her part. He was never really sure. Bucky has his insecurities and one definitely was not being sure if he was good for her. Nightmares still disturbing his sleep on many nights. His left arm, although he was more sure of it now because it was not what Hydra once so carelessly put on him. His arm now, it was gifted from Wakanda. Black and gold not silver with a red star and made to help people instead of killing them while being brainwashed. It still made him insecure sometimes. The scars that covered his body that reminded him of his past. He technically knew that she did not mind his arm or his scars. Neither are the nightmares bothering her because if they would she would not help him calm down from the disturbing dreams on so many nights. He has a nightmare, she is there for him. One of the reasons he started to fall for her. Technically he was aware that she would not mind all of these insecurities but it seems like Buckys brain likes to torture him sometimes as if it could not let go from the 70 years of being put into a blender and tortured.

Bucky sometimes heard her heartbeat pick up when being near her or her pupils dilating when they are talking. Signs that she could at least harbor a crush on Bucky. If it would be the 40s he would have already made a move. Something is always stopping him though although he could see some signs of her liking him back. Should that be the case then he simply could not believe they weren‘t together yet. Both being to shy to do something about it.

„Hey Bucky are you with me?“ Sam snapped his fingers infront of Buckys face which he slapped away. „I just told you about the cute girl in the coffee shop“, Sam slightly pushed Buckys shoulder to gain the soldiers attention.

„I absolutely did not pay attention.“ Immediately Sam started to grin and followed Buckys line of view. „Why don‘t you just ask her out? I could be too late soon enough.“ Bucky never snapped his head so fast into Sams direction, for a moment you could think it might have broke. „What do you mean“, the soldier tried to keep his voice from trembling but that did not really work. The Falcon just shrugged his shoulders. „You are whipped. Take a chance before it is too late Buck.“ Bucky rolled his eyes. „First, it‘s Bucky and second, what do you know that I don‘t?“

Slowly the brown haired man started to loose his cool. Could it really be over before anything started? He did not want to miss her in his life. Bucky wasn‘t to sure he would be able to handle a friendship while having to watch the women he liked being in love and happy with someone else. Sam kept his grin on his face.

„I might do.“ With that he left and Bucky was still standing in the kitchen with a sad puppy dog face. He started to drift off in his mind that he did not even notice the girls where not in the living room anymore. Was he too late?

Four days ago:

A week passed and Bucky did not do anything about his feelings for her. Everytime he tried to talk to Y/N about his feelings or a possible date with him, he either stumbled over his words or got interrupted.

When he wanted to ask you on a date it went like this:

„Friday do you know where Y/N is?“ The AI answered immediately, telling him that she is in the kitchen. Bucky thanked Friday, still finding it slightly weird talking to something he could not see.

The 21st century was something he could not have imagined in the slightest back in the day, eventhough he was very interested in what the future technology could bring. Granted this century did not have flying cars like they expected in the 40s but having an artificial intelligence that helps you out is quite fascinating.

Bucky walked int the kitchen and saw Y/N making herself a coffee.

„Oh, hey Buck.“ „Hi Y/N.“ „You want a cup?“ He shook his head no. „No, thank you. I wanted to tell you something though.“

Bucky could not be bothered enough to look around and see NAT making her way into the kitchen.

„Sure what’s up? Are you okay?“ Y/N started to worry slightly. It did sound kind of serious. Bucky noticed her worry and started to smile. She was concerned about him. One more reason to like her. He knows at least that Y/N cares about him.

„Yes don’t worry. I just wanted to“, he stopped talking and started to blush slightly.

Since when did Bucky blush? That never happened in the 40s.

He takes a deep breath, looking into Y/N eyes. A beautiful e/c. He could stare into them for hours as cheesy as it sounds especially with that sparkle they held just now. Y/Ns pupils are dilated.

„I wanted to tell you that-“

„Sorry for interrupting Bucky but I need to make Y/N ready for her date.“

He felt like his heart stopped. So Sam was right but soon definitely was too soon. His shoulders started to slump and he looked away from Y/N.

Nat eyed him and hid a smile. Of course she knew what Bucky and Y/N felt for each other. She would not be a good spy if she wouldn‘t notice her friends looking earth other with heart eyes or how their body language changes when they are around each other. Both were shy though. Therefore Wanda and her planned to get either of them to make a move. Their plan to make Y/N go on dates and let Bucky know may be a little mean but they have three outcomes here.

First, Y/N makes a move because she finally admits that it doesn’t matter on how many dates she goes, neither can compare to a certain blue eyed soldier.

Secon, Bucky realizes that he does not want the young woman to date anyone else an finally finds the courage to say something about his feelings for her.

Third, he one hopefully doesn’t happen, is that neither of them is telling the other what they are feeling and both are going to be sad and unhappy for the rest of their lives. A little bit exaggerated but they need to realize this.

Y/N smiled at Bucky, her eyes sparkling less. „What did you want to say Buck?“ Ignoring Nat for a second.

He looked at Y/N for a split second. Bucky shook his head slightly and runs a hand through his brown hair. „Forget it. Have fun with your date.“ He smiled lightly and left.

Y/N called after him but he did not turn around. She was even more concerned now. What did he want to tell her? Why did he seem so sad now?

„Maybe this date is not a good idea Nat?“

The spy shook her head. „Nonsense. Let’s go.“ Y/N got ushered out of the kitchen into the direction of her own room.

„I‘ll go get Wanda.“ Nat disappeared and Y/N sat down on her bed.

She kept thinking about Bucky. Hopefully he was okay. Did he have nightmares again? No that they ever fully stopped. The h/c woman made a mental note to ask Bucky if he would like to have one of their movie nights. The ones without the team. Just them two. She liked being alone with Bucky, cuddled up to him while watching some movies. Cuddles with Bucky is not something that you could take for granted. When the sergeant came first to the compound he did not let anyone apart from Steve get close to him or touch him even though he was touch starved. Y/N slowly but surely showed him she is not going to hurt him and would you look at that, he opened up and they got close especially during movie nights. With the team it took Bucky a little bit longer to get used to touches but to Y/Ns he got comfortable quite fast.

The door opened and Nat, followed by Wanda, entered.

„Are you excited“, Wanda asked.

Y/N took a second to think. Well, it is someone she does not know. Nat set her up with him and meeting new people always sparks her anxiety. She shrugged her shoulders and sighed. „I am not to sure about it.“

The other girls shared a look that Y/N did not see. „Well-“ Wanda started but Y/N was starting to get lost in her head, thinking about the ex-assasin.

Yesterday:

And I wanna play it cool but I’m loosing you

Three days later and Bucky was still sad that his chance with Y/N might have slipped through his ingers. He did not ask about the date she had, afraid she actually enjoyed being with the other guy. Not that she did not deserve it but he wanted her. Badly.

the soldier was sitting in the Irving room trying to read a book Steve recommended. Yesterday Steve told him to just talk to Y/N. It may not be as bad as Bucky made it out to be. The man did not take his friends advice. But fate had another plan.

„Hey pretty boy.“ Bucky looked up and saw Y/N entering the living room. Immediately he started to smile.

„Doll“, he greeted her.

„What are you doing?“ She sat next to him.

„Reading.“ „Obviously. Do you maybe want to stop reading and watch a movie with me?“ She gave her best puppy dog look.

Bucky stared at her, getting lost in her eyes for a second. As if he could ever say no to her. Something stopped him though, remembering a conversation he heard his morning. Bucky sears he was not eavesdropping, he just overheard a conversation between the Black Widow and Scarlett Witch.

He got that sad look in his eyes again, something Y/N noticed immediately. „Don‘t you have a date today?“

The woman looked at him surprised, wondering how he knew. „I canceled the date Buck.“

And suddenly Bucky felt mor alive than ever. She what? Why did she cancel? „Why?“

„I wanted to hand out with you pretty boy. We haven’t in a whil and I miss you.“ She started to slightly lean into the soldiers body. „You do?“ Bucky never saw anyone nod their head yes that hard.

„Of course. You are important to me.“ The 100 something year olds heart skipped a beat. Luckily his body had the serum to not make hi have a heart attack.

Time to be honest. To take his chance. „I honestly thought I was loosing you, doll.“ Confused Y/N looked at him and took his metal arm. „We haven’t hung out in a while and maybe that’s alsokind of my fault but you were going on dates and I tried playing it cool but I am so not cool with it? I kind of feel like I am loosing you.“

The sergeant didn’t think Y/Ns e/c eyes could sparkle even more. She had a smile on her beautiful face.

„No.“ „No?“ The woman shook her head. „You are not loosing me and I am not dating anyone.“

Now it was the soldiers turn to be confused and he interlaced his fingers with hers. He loved that she took his left arm, no being afraid at all.

„But the dates you went on?“

She put her free hand on his face and he leaned into her hand. Suddenly overcoming with the courage to tell Bucky her feelings for him. This is it. Her heart is beating so fast she is afraid it might jump out of her chest. Also, her hand started to sweat slightly.

„Neither of them are you. Nat and Wanda set me up with them. You are not loosing me Bucky. You always have me, if you want me.“

Now his eyes started to sparkle the second he registered Y/Ns words. Blue eyes looking so light and full of love and admiration, mirroring the eyes of the woman infront of him. Slowly his whole face lights up. Bucky brings their interlaced hands to his face and kisses her Nuckels.

„Of course I want you. You have me, doll.“

Slowly they start to lean in and softly their lips meet. A kiss that was long overdue. It is filled with love and gentleness.

„Finally, oh my god.“ Nats voice startled the pair and made them break the kiss.

Wanda and Nat were standing in the living room, grinning at them both. Steve, Sam and Tony also appeared.

„Why are you two smiling like idiots“, Tony asked.

„Nats and mine plan worked.“ The attention was suddenly on Bucky an Y/N. Still with interlaced fingers and Y/Ns hand on Buckys face. the newly couple looking confused.

„Plan?“ Y/N and Bucky spoke at the same time, laughing lightly when they noticed.

„Yes. These two made you, Y/N go on dates. So either one of you confesses their feelings for the other. Apparently it worked.“

„You knew Steve?“ Bucky looked at his childhood friend. „I was in on the plan.“

„It was exhausting to watch the both of you pinning over the other and neither doing anything“, Sam said.

„Your welcome“, Wanda and Nat spoke, smiled, turned around and left.

Wanda quickly adding while walking that she wants to be one of the bridesmaids at their wedding and Nat agreeing. The guys went for the kitchen.

Today:

Bucky and Y/N walked through the Central Park. It was a little before 6 am.

„You like getting up early, Doll.“ „It‘s nice and quiet early. We could always sleep more afterwards.“

Bucky kissed her cheek and put an arm around her as they kept walking. It was quiet. Y/N was right and he loved it as well. Sleep be damned if he could spent his time with his best girl.

Oh for you I will do whatever and I just can‘t believe we are together

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Authors note:

So, this is the first piece I have written in a long time. I am not to sure about it but I just liked writing it.

Feedback is appreciated as long as you are not being mean. Tell me what you think if you read this. :)

#bucky barnes x you #marvel x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #fanfic #mileawrites #james buchanan bucky barnes #james bucky barnes #james barnes #james barnes x female reader #reader insert

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rawmeanderson · 4 years ago

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pretty please ― saturday.

ft. Kevin Hayes plot: with Kevin, Brady, and Jimmy all gone from New York and the new season about to start, everyone gets together for a long weekend. warnings: swearing, drinking, body issues, soft Nolan Patrick content. there’s quite a bit of smut in this tbh. word count: 8.6k many thanks to @danglesnipecelly for proof reading and putting up with my ridiculous typos

THURSDAY / FRIDAY You didn’t sleep well that night, tossing and turning and never feeling like you actually got beyond dozing. Guilt was eating at you, even as you slept, and at one point, you opened your eyes and saw the first bits of daylight peaking through the window. There was a certain numbness to you, as when you rolled over, trying to get back to sleep, you realized you were parched.

Sitting up, you stretched for a moment before getting out of bed. You felt like running. Not like, physically running, but running away from the cabin, from the conversation you were going to avoid for as long as you could. When you checked your phone, you saw that it was barely 7:00am, and you yawned, forcing yourself out of bed anyway. A walk might do you some good, let you wear off some of this anxious energy so you could get more sleep later.

You changed out of your pjs and into a pair of jean shorts and a clean shirt, stuffing your feet into your sandals as you went across the hall to brush your teeth. Your hair was an absolute mess, but you just tied it up in a bun, deciding to deal with it later.

To say you tiptoed past Kevin’s door on the way to the living room was an understatement. You wondered if he was awake, or if he’d woken up at all in the night and realized you’d left. Your palm itched as your eyes settled on the doorknob, shoving down the urge to go inside and slip into bed with him, but you kept moving.

The living room and kitchen were empty when you got there, and the cabin seemed peaceful despite the way your brain was running wild. You got yourself a glass of water, leaning back against the cabinet as you sipped at it. Really, you were poised to sprint out the door if you heard any sign of Kevin, your shoulders tense as your heart thundered in your chest. Coffee was already brewing, so someone had to be up already.

You heard voices a moment later, the sound of footsteps, and just as your fight or flight instincts had you ready to bolt, you realized that it was Nolan and the friend of Jimmy’s whose name you never remembered coming out of the garage. They had fishing poles in their hand, among other things, and Nolan nodded to you in acknowledgement.

“Morning,” you said, refilling your glass of water as Nolan put down the things in his hands to reach for a mug from the cabinet. He kind of grumbled in response, and you didn’t take it personally as he filled the mug with coffee. “Are you guys going fishing? Like, off the boat?”

“Yeah, that’s the plan,” no name responded, nodding as he got a cup of coffee for himself.

“Can I come?” you asked before you really thought about it. “I mean, I won’t fish, I’ll just sit there and read. I’ll even keep my mouth shut so I don’t scare away the fish or whatever.” What better way to avoid the problem you created than by sitting in the middle of the lake for a few hours.

The two guys looked at each other and shrugged. “Yeah, that’s fine, I guess. We’ll be out there for a few hours,” Nolan said, sipping at his coffee as he shrugged again. “We’re leaving in a few.”

You nodded, finishing your glass of water. “Alright, cool,” you responded, deciding that the awkwardness of a silent fishing trip with two people you barely knew was better than the chance of running into Kevin in the next few hours. “I’m gonna grab some stuff from my room, I’ll meet you guys down at the water.”

When you ran to grab your sunglasses and your iPad from your room, the rational whisper in the back of your mind told you this was a dumb idea, that you needed to put on your big girl panties and deal with it. You were too panicked to listen to yourself though, and you tiptoed past Kevin’s door again on your way out of the cabin. Making your way down to the dock, you texted Sophie to tell her you were going out on the boat, and that Nolan and what’s his name were waiting for you.

No one said much as you settled yourself at the opposite end of the boat from them, putting your feet up as the boat pulled away from the dock. The sky was overcast, but you wore your sunglasses anyway, looking out at the water with a sigh. You opened your book on your iPad, but never really got around to reading. The guys decided on a fishing spot, and the boat came to a stop.

Your mind was cycling, thinking about what needed done at your apartment in the next few weeks ahead of Sophie moving out, thinking about the meeting you had to be in on Tuesday morning, thinking about almost anything besides the 6’5” man you’d slipped out on the night before. As soon as your mind even started to drift to him, you corrected course by thinking about something boring and menial.

After an hour on the water, you started to realize why people might enjoy fishing. None of you had said a word since leaving the dock, and if your mind wasn’t an anxiety ridden frenzy right now, you’d probably find being on the boat rather peaceful. Nolan had moved seats, sitting closer to your end of the boat as he cast his line into the water.

You finally did your best to start reading, but after reading the same page four times and still remembering none of it, you promptly gave up. Glancing at your phone, you remembered that your service was hit or miss on the water, and maybe that was a good thing. Feeling a little fidgety, you turned in your seat, leaning against the railing to look out at the water again. All you had to do was withstand another 32 hours or so of avoiding Kevin, then you and Sophie would be on your way home and you could go back to pretending he didn’t exist.

It was the sound of Nolan’s voice after a while that zapped you back to the present. When you looked at him, he was already watching you and you blinked.

“I’m sorry, were you talking to me?” you asked, eyebrows raised. You could feel your cheeks warm as you straightened up in your seat.

“Uh, yeah. I asked if you were good, considering you’ve been staring at the same spot of nothing for close to 45 minutes,” he responded, actually chuckling a little bit. You didn’t want to believe you’d been staring off into space for that long, but you checked your phone and it had actually been longer.

“Oh,” you said, not sure what to say. Your response surely told him everything he needed to know, so you didn’t bother trying to act like you were having an awesome morning. “I’ll be okay.”

Nolan nodded, eyes moving back to watch the fishing line. You expected that to be the end of it, and you were already turning your head back to look out at the water again when he spoke. “Is this about Kevin?”

You froze, shoulders tense as you took a deep breath. Looking at him again, you were surprised by how direct he was about it. You hardly knew him, so you weren’t sure how much of your soul you were willing to bare to him in the middle of a lake.

“Kind of,” you said finally, looking down at your lap and picking a piece of invisible fuzz off your shorts. You were being truthful. Kevin was the immediate issue, but of course, it all stemmed back to the fact that you were about to be the last of the group left in New York.

Nolan was quiet, chewing on the inside of his cheek like he was trying to figure out what to do next. After a moment’s thought, he sighed, reeling in his fishing line before getting to his feet and moving closer to where you were sitting. That surprised you more than the fact that he was speaking to you to begin with, and you straightened up in your seat when you noticed that his brow was creased still.

“So, Kev’s probably gonna kill me for telling you all of this, but I don’t see much point in you both being miserable for the rest of the trip because you’re both too afraid to talk about your feelings,” he started, looking at you pointedly enough that you felt like a kid getting a talking to from their teacher. When you didn’t say anything to stop him, he continued.

“I met you two days ago, but I’ve known about you since my third conversation with Kevin. He talks about you all the time. The whole reason he invited me this weekend was because he wanted me to meet you. He invited a few others too, just to meet you, but they weren’t able to make it,” he told you, and you knew your eyes were wide as you listened to him.

“Well, hopefully I lived up to the hype,” you said, exhaling a breath of humorless laughter.

“I’m undecided, so far,” he responded, his tone flat as the corner of his mouth twitched up in a grin that put you a little more at ease. “He hasn’t gone on more than 2 dates with someone since he got to Philly because he compares them all to you. I know, because I live with him, and he whines about it constantly. I had to stop him from drunk dialing you about nine times last year, then he’d go on and on about how he just wanted to go up to New York and see you, and that he was happy to be in Philly because he was closer to you again. He misses you, and he’s crazy about you, but he’s either too fucking dumb to realize it or too scared to say anything to you about it.”

You ran your tongue along your teeth as you thought over what Nolan had said, and you were grateful that he’d paused to give you a chance to process all of it. The words had surprised you, that was for sure, but thinking back to yesterday and last night...he was never this sweet with you before. Sure, there’d been some light flirting here and there between hook ups, but he’d never seemed to want you this badly before. You thought back to the other night and what he’d said about the two of you dating. This was all stupid, you decided, and you didn’t really know what to think.

“From the things he’s said, I don’t think he fully realized how he felt about you until he was traded to Winnipeg, and then he didn’t know what to do about it,” Nolan said with pursed lips, like he somehow could read your mind.

You were grateful that your sunglasses were on, because you felt tears burning in your eyes. Taking a deep breath, you swallowed, glancing out at the water again. You hated this feeling, the sinking in your stomach of not knowing what to do, not knowing how to fix the whole situation. Sniffling, you took another deep breath and looked at Nolan again.

“Well, since you’re obviously smarter than both of us, any advice on what to do?” you asked finally, your throat tight with the threat of tears. He looked pleased with the compliment, then continued.

“It’s so painfully obvious to everyone that you’re both waiting on the other to make the first more, so I say just talk to him. You know he’s a good dude, you know he just wants you to be happy, so you both just need to find the time to talk about what’s going on,” he said, shrugging again. Talking about things like this clearly wasn’t his strong suit, but you appreciated the effort that he was making to help you out.

Nodding, you looked down at your lap momentarily, checking your phone again. Sophie had texted you, saying Kevin was looking for you, followed by a sad face, asking what happened last night. You’d respond to those later, after you had time to process your emotions a little more.

“Thanks for this, really,” you said, hoping you sounded as sincere as you felt.

“You can thank me by getting him to shut up about how much he misses you,” Nolan told you, letting out a dry laugh. “I guess I get the hype, kind of, but Philly and New York are close enough that the only thing keeping you guys apart is the fact that you like to avoid each other instead of talking about it.” You snorted softly, glad to see that he at least had a sense of humor about it.

“I’m glad he had you at least, to whine to enough that you took matters into your own hands,” you told him and he gave you a genuine smile with a nod.

“I had a rough year too. Kev did a lot for me, so this is just me trying to repay him.”

You both fell silent then, looking out at the water. It was nearly 10:30 by then. You hadn’t read a single page of your book, but your mind wasn’t racing anymore. Now, the thought of talking to Kevin didn’t make you want to hide, and you decided that was a good start.

Half an hour later, the guys decided they’d had enough fishing and started packing up to head back. Despite your better attitude, nervousness fluttered in your stomach, but you knew you’d survive talking to Kevin, just like you had survived for the last year and a half of carrying around all of the feelings. You made a plan for yourself and felt good about it: get up to the cabin, shower, then find Kevin to fix the problem.

Your plan immediately went out the door when you realized that Kevin was already sitting on the dock waiting for you. When you looked at Nolan, you saw the corner of his mouth turn up slightly and you gather that he must’ve texted him that you guys were heading back. Nolan raised his eyebrows at you with a look that said ‘if you don’t figure this out, you’re dead to me,’ and you clenched your jaw.

The boat docked a minute later, and the guy who’s name you really should remember started toward the cabin while Nolan stood on the dock for a short moment, talking to Kevin before taking off as well. You stayed where you were as he stepped onto the boat, and when you took your sunglasses off, you realized that your hands were shaking. It was nice to better understand how he felt about you, but that didn’t stop the flood of emotions that rose in you when you looked at him.

Kevin looked tired, like he’d slept as poorly as you had, and a wave of guilt made your stomach churn. He stood there for a minute, hands in his pockets and neither of you really seemed to know what to say. “Can I sit down?” he asked eventually, nodding to the spot next to you.

You could feel your bottom lip quivering, and you nodded, trying to swallow the lump in your throat. “Yeah,” you managed to say without your voice breaking. When he sat down, he turned toward you slightly, close enough that his leg was touching yours. By the time you forced yourself to meet his eye, your vision was blurry with tears, your mouth drawn in a tight line.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked, frowning as he reached for your hand. The contact was all it took for the tears to spill over and you wiped at them quickly with your other hand.

“I’m sorry,” you told him, sniffling as you looked away from him. He squeezed your hand tightly, bringing the other up to cup your face, guiding you to look at him. “I’m sorry I left last night, I should’ve stayed.”

“Jesus, what did Nolan tell you? Why are you crying?” he asked, looking concerned as his thumb swept over your cheek.

“I’m just so sad,” you admitted, stifling a sob as you avoided his eyes. Your face was hot, because you were upset and because you were embarrassed by the fact that you were such a blubbering mess all of a sudden.

“What, about last night?” Now he really looked concerned, and it actually made you let out a breath of laughter as you shook your head. Kevin looked relieved by your reaction, and easily pulled you into his lap before you could say anything else. His arms were tight around you, holding you against his chest as he sighed quietly.

The way he was holding you made you feel so small and so secure, and you just stayed like that for a moment with your face pressed into his neck. “I’m just sad about everything right now, I guess,” you admitted, shifting enough to wrap your arm around him as well as you leaned into his chest. “I’m sad about Sophie again, I’m sad we’re all leaving tomorrow. I’m sad you got traded to begin with, and I’m sad I wasted a year and a half being too scared to talk to you.” Your voice was raw with emotion and tears started spilling down your cheeks again no matter how hard you tried to stop them.

“Why were you scared to talk to me?” he asked, his lips pressed to the top of your head. His hand moved over your back in a firm motion that was hypnotically soothing, making you feel safe to spill your heart out as he held you.

You sniffled, shrugging as you took a shuddering breath. “I just didn’t know what to say to you. I didn’t know where we stood or how you felt. I don’t look like the girls you usually date, so I thought that whenever we hooked up that it had just been out of boredom, since it was always at the end of a night out. I figured you’d be too busy getting settled and I guess I felt like I cared more about you than you cared about me.” You felt bad admitting it after hearing what Nolan had had to say, and you couldn’t help the way your voice was shaking as you spoke.

Kevin’s hand slid along your jaw gently, bringing your face up to look at him. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. It was never out of boredom either, I spent so long trying to figure out how to get your attention,” he told you, practically whispering the words. He kissed you softly, his lips just barely brushing over yours. “I was scared to talk to you too, but I shouldn’t have let that stop me.”

Determined to stop crying, you wiped your eyes, already tilting your head enough to kiss him again. Your eyes moved over his face like you were committing it to memory, letting your knuckles drag over the stubble that covered his jawline. “And why on earth were you scared to talk to me?” you asked, your throat still tight even after the tears had stopped.

“Because you’ve always been way too cool and smart for me, and I was so close to finally working up the nerve to ask you out when I got traded,” he told you, a sad smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. His fingers were still moving up and down your back in a way that made you want to press closer to him and just stay like that for the rest of the day. “Once I was in Winnipeg, I didn’t really know what to say to you either. I didn’t know what your feelings were about us, and I didn’t know how to even bring it up. I don’t think I even knew how badly I wanted there to be an us until I was already in Winnipeg. Since I wasn’t sure where I was going to end up once the season ended, it didn't feel fair to you to drag you into something long distance.”

“Then you signed to Philly,” you said softly, feeling tears fill your eyes again as your head settled on his shoulder.

“Yep, I signed to Philly, then each time I was in New York last summer, you never came around. I figured you had moved on or something, or that you hadn’t felt the same way to begin with.”

He kissed the top of your head and fell silent, both of you letting everything hang between you for a few moments. You still felt sad and angry with yourself, but at least him holding you like he was made it easier to let go of those feelings.

“What do we do now?” you asked eventually, though really you were content to stay there all day, soaking in the warmth of the sun and Kevin’s body. He seemed to be enjoying the contact as much as you were, and didn’t answer right away.

“Well, are you hungry?” He pulled back a little to look down at you, eyes sweeping over your tear stained face. You nodded quickly, realizing that it was nearly noon and you hadn’t eaten anything that morning. “There’s a restaurant down the road a bit, we can go get lunch if you want, and this is me making it clear that it would be a date.”

Snorting, you grinned, your hands coming up to cup his face. “I like that idea,” you said, kissing him softly. You only pulled back enough to look at him briefly, but his mouth found yours again, making you smile. “I want to take a shower first though, then we can go.”

“Good, you need it,” he responded, already laughing by the time you poked him in the ribs. Before you could shoot something snarky back, he kissed you again, harder this time to make you groan into his mouth. When you pulled back again, you got to your feet, knowing that otherwise, you’d never want to move.

Lunch was wonderful, honestly. After your shower, Kevin drove you to the restaurant, his arm stretched over the center console to hold your hand. As you ate, he told you about his favorite spots in Philly and about his teammates, and you talked about your family and the ongoing drama at your office. Admittedly, you had one too many mimosas, leaving you giggling as Kevin nudged your foot gently under the table.

As soon as you made it back to the cabin, Sophie was hugging you so tightly that it hurt. Jimmy eventually got her to let go and you laughed as she made you promise to sit with her at dinner. On the way back from lunch, you and Kevin had decided a nap was in order since you’d both slept like shit, and you let him pull you into his room with a grin.

The making out was kept to a minimum, both of you tired and full from lunch, but it still felt nice to curl up with him, knowing you had nothing else to be doing. With your head on his chest, he asked if you wanted to put a movie on or anything, and you just shook your head sleepily, pressing your face into his neck. His arm was around you, keeping you curled against him, and it occurred to you that this was the first time you’d fallen asleep with him. He kept kissing the top of your head like he was realizing the same thing, murmuring to you that you made him happy.

The sound of your phone vibrating beside you woke you up a few hours later. Kevin was still asleep, and you stretched as much as you could without disturbing him as you reached for your phone. It was Sophie, as nosey as ever, wanting to be filled in on how lunch had gone, and you grinned to yourself as you texted her back. You stayed put for a while, happy to be right where you were as Kevin continued to doze.

When he woke up, it was with a loud yawn, rolling onto his side and taking you with him. You laughed as he spooned you, immediately pressing his face into the back of his neck.

“Don’t go back to sleep,” you warned, rubbing your hand over his forearm where it was looped tightly around you.

“Why not?” he murmured, his voice deeper than usual and thick with grogginess.

“Because we’ll be up all night if we sleep too late,” you told him matter of factly, shivering as he nosed at your hairline lightly.

“Maybe I was planning to keep you up half the night anyway,” he countered. The laugh you let out bled into a soft moan as he tugged at your earlobe with his teeth gently. Your body leaned back against him more, just barely pressing your thighs together when arousal jolted through you.

“Jesus, Kev,” you said, enjoying the soft rumble of laughter that left him. You were both quiet for a moment after that, your heart racing as he alternated between kissing your skin and nuzzling against you.

“What time are you and Soph leaving tomorrow?” he asked, his hand sliding over your waist. He brushed his thumb against the band of your bra lightly, like he was trying to be casual about it and you grinned at the contact.

“Between 3 and 4, I think,” you responded, squirming as his hand slid over your stomach. Your breathing had quickened from the light touches, and if it didn’t feel so good, you would hate how easily he was able to turn you on.

“Good.” The word was short, and he said it as his fingers toyed with the button of your shorts. His mouth was still against your neck and you could feel him smirking into your skin. Your mouth was dry, your heart fluttering in your chest as your hips pressed back toward him. You murmured his name impatiently, enjoying that you could feel the hardening outline of his dick against your ass, when a knock at the door made you both jump.

“Kevin, stop hogging Y/N for yourself!” Sophie said from the other side of the door, voice slightly raised as she knocked again. You let out a loud laugh, leaning back against him as he sighed.

“Finders keepers, Sophie!” he responded as he loosened his hold on you.

“We’ll be out in a minute, chill, Soph,” you said finally, your heart still racing from the touches that surely would’ve gone further had you not been interrupted.

Sophie’s response was to walk away, and you laughed as you sat up. You knew your cheeks were flushed and your hair was probably a mess from your nap, but you were smiling as you looked back at Kevin who was still stretched out along the mattress.

“Maybe I should’ve warned you that she knew I was awake,” you teased, leaning over him to press a quick kiss to his mouth.

“Mhm, maybe,” Kevin hummed, his hand sliding along your jaw before he kissed you again. You pulled away quickly after that before he could pull you back down to him, because you knew that if Sophie came back, she wouldn’t hesitate to open the door.

It was a really good evening, honestly. Brady, Jimmy, and Kevin all seemed a little down that it was the last night of the trip and that they probably wouldn’t see each other for a while. You played cards and pong, maintaining a slight buzz through dinner, where you next to Sophie as promised. Kevin was essentially glued to your side, mostly keeping his hands to himself despite the way he was looking at you.

One simple grin from him had fire jolting up your spine, leaving you to think about his hands on you, the way they squeezed your waist, and the tight grip of them in your hair when you went down on him. He had even texted you at one point, telling you he was thinking about how good you tasted, that he couldn’t wait to be inside you later. Of course, he’d been sitting right next to you when he’d sent it and watched for your reaction, even when you’d been in the middle of talking with Brady about his new place in Raleigh. You’d stumbled over your words a little after reading the message, your cheeks flushing as your clit throbbed.

Just like every other night of the trip, someone got a fire going once it was dark. Jimmy and Brady were both a little past drunk by then, making s’mores under Sophie’s supervision. You grinned as you watched, letting Kevin pull you into his lap. He kissed your shoulder through your shirt, then the curve of your neck and you leaned back into him. You were quiet, not really having anything to say as you simply enjoyed the togetherness of having your favorite people all in one spot. It was bittersweet, but it no longer felt like the end of the world, especially with Kevin’s warmth as he held you in his lap.

His hands started wandering a bit eventually, brushing his thumb over the clasp of your bra and letting his knuckles graze over your spine. You repaid him by shifting in his lap casually here and there, making sure your ass pressed against his lap to make him grip your hips in a plea to stop. He said your name at one point and kissed you when you turned your head to glance back at him, and you realized that was the first time he’d done that in front of other people. Brady was quick to make a comment that it was about fucking time, rolling his eyes dramatically before giving Kevin a thumbs up.

Around 10, you stretched slightly in his lap before moving to stand up. Kevin’s arm tightened around you, and you scoffed. “I have to pee, dude, I’ll be right back,” you told him with a quiet laugh, squeezing his wrist when he finally released you. “You want anything from the house?”

“Nah, I’m good,” he said, pressing a quick kiss to your mouth before you got to your feet.

When you came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, the cabin was dark aside from the string lights on one wall, and you jumped a little when you spotted Kevin on the sofa.

“You really did just have to use the bathroom, huh?” he said, grinning as he got to his feet. The look in his eye as he watched you made your back straighten as he approached.

“Yeah,” you laughed, licking your lips. “What did you think I meant?”

“I dunno, I figured that was code that you wanted me to follow you up here to fuck you senseless or something,” he told you with a shrug, his hands finding your waist once he was close enough. You snorted softly, shaking your head as you looked up at him. He was grinning at you like he had been all night, like you and your body were the only things on his mind, and anything you’d thought about saying as a response was lost.

He dipped his head to kiss you, pressing you back against the closed door of the bathroom, and you sighed into his mouth. Your hands came up to grip the fabric of his shirt, letting him keep the slow pace he’d set even as your restraint was threatening to fray. His tongue slid over yours, and he held your jaw tenderly, thumb brushing over your cheek. Your knees already felt weak as you leaned into him, all of the heat from earlier flooding back.

You couldn’t help the way that you moaned into his mouth, your hips already pressing toward him eagerly. That was when he pulled back, clearly enjoying the way your cheeks were flushed. “You wanna go back out to the fire?” he asked, smirking casually and hellbent on torturing you.

Rolling your eyes, you brought an arm up to wrap around his shoulders, keeping him where he was. “I thought you were gonna keep me up half the night and fuck me senseless,” you responded, surprised that your voice wasn’t shaking as you repeated his earlier words back to him.

His only reaction was to curse under his breath as he kissed you again roughly enough that you melted against him. Your hand slid along his neck, and when your thumb brushed over his pulse point, you could feel that his heart was racing. You were already wet, and had been since before Sophie interrupted you after your nap earlier. He squeezed your ass firmly, pulling your hips forward against his as his teeth caught on your bottom lip.

“Kev, we need to relocate,” you breathed, tilting your head back as he kissed down your throat. He let out a grumble that made you laugh even as you arched toward him again and he sighed, finally pulling back.

“Meet me in your room?” he murmured, hands sliding up your waist like he wasn’t ready to let go of you just yet. You nodded, nudging his shoulder lightly to make him move finally, and you took off ahead of him.

He smacked your ass hard enough to make you gasp before slipping into his room as you kept going toward your own. With the door closed behind you, you tugged off your shirt and kicked your shorts aside, knowing they wouldn’t stay on much longer anyway. You wished you had thought ahead and packed some cute underwear or something that would’ve made you feel a little sexier as you laid back against your pillows.

You held your breath when you heard his footsteps come toward your door, and he cursed loudly when he saw you, making sure to lock the door behind him. He’d always managed to boost your ego, and damn, you were grateful for that. His eyes were glued to you as he approached the bed, already pulling his shirt off over his head with a grin.

When he set a box of condoms on the end table next to the bed, you laughed loudly. “A whole box, huh?” you teased, beaming as you watched him closely.

Licking his lips as his eyes slid over your body, he shrugged. “Just trying to be prepared, baby girl,” he told you, smirking as his hands moved to unbutton his pants.

He kicked his shorts off, and the outline of his half hard dick in his boxer-briefs was enough to make you groan. His body was absolutely stunning, perfectly sculpted by years of training and you had never figured out how someone as hot as him was interested in you.

“My eyes are up here, y��know,” he told you, still smirking as he joined you on the bed. You shrugged, continuing to check him out because you knew he certainly didn’t mind. The ache between your legs was becoming unbearable, and you pulled him over you as soon as he was close enough.

Settled over you, his body was close enough for you to feel his warmth, and as soon as he kissed you, you were arching toward him for the skin to skin contact you were so desperate for. There wasn’t much restraint in his kiss as his knee sank into the mattress between your thighs. You put an arm around his neck, your fingers digging into his shoulder as you tugged at his bottom lip with your teeth.

His mouth left yours to move along your jaw in hot, open mouthed kisses and you sighed softly, tilting your head back for him. You already felt like you were burning from the inside out, your clit throbbing as your hands moved to start tugging down his underwear.

He chuckled softly, his lips vibrating against your throat as he swatted your hands away. “So impatient,” he murmured with a soft tsk, letting his mouth slide over your collarbone. You exhaled a loud breath, a shiver running through you from the contact, and you made a pleading sound.

When he kissed you again, you saw stars, only faintly aware of his hand slipping under your back to unfasten your bra. Pulling the fabric away from you, he cursed under his breath and his mouth was already making its way down your throat again.

“Kev, baby, just fuck me already,” you whined, dragging your nails over his shoulder. He glanced up at you with dark eyes, and he had the audacity to grin at you before sucking your nipple into his mouth. You nearly jumped out of your skin, moaning loudly as your hips rocked in search of friction. His hand came up to tug your panties down in an easy motion, so at least he was heading in the right direction of what you wanted.

You were about to whine for him again, damn near ready to beg by the time his hand slipped between your thighs. A loud, grateful moan left you from the contact, even if it was just him sliding his fingers through your folds.

“How are you always just so fucking wet?” he murmured, mostly to himself as he purposefully avoided your clit. A frustrated sound left you as you squirmed, your hips twitching toward his hand.

“It might have something to do with the fact that you teased me for half the day,” you responded, voice shaking slightly as you managed to laugh a bit. Sucking a mark against the curve of your breast, he hummed softly like he was acknowledging his role in the matter.

Without much further teasing, he sank two fingers into you, and you each moaned in unison. You felt so on edge already, barely able to keep still as your body squeezed around his fingers greedily. His mouth moved over your chest and shoulder without much direction, like he was just happy to be able to touch you at all while his fingers rocked into you.

“You’re so fucking tight, sweetheart,” he groaned, nosing at the hollow of your throat. “Can’t wait to feel you around my dick, baby, I’ve been waiting so fucking long.” He said that just when you thought you couldn’t possibly get any wetter, but the words alone made you exhale a pleading whine.

Your nails sank into his shoulder when his fingers curled against your g-spot and you cursed loudly as you rocked against his hand hungrily. He leaned up to kiss you again, happily swallowing the moans that were spilling out of you. His thumb had started rubbing circles and figure 8s against your clit and you swore that you were on the verge of actually exploding.

The motion of his fingers sped up and you were already so close, desperately trying to meet the motion of his hand to get what you needed. His mouth closed around your nipple again, nearly overwhelming you. Your heartbeat was roaring in your ears and your scalp prickled from the perfect pressure of his thumb against you.

“Fuck, Kev, I’m gonna cum,” you warned, panting as heat threatened to consume your body. He cursed, and just as you were right there at the edge, his fingers were suddenly gone. The sound that left you was practically a sob, your body shaking as you tried to squeeze your thighs together for whatever friction you could get.

Kevin actually chuckled at the sight, using the leg still between your knees to stop you as he leaned to kiss you again quickly. “Not yet, baby, don’t want you to cum until it’s on my cock,” he told you, and all you could do was nod out of desperation.

He brought his hand up to your mouth and you locked eyes with him as you sucked his fingers into your mouth, moaning at the taste of yourself. Eagerly, your tongue slid along his digits and you held his gaze, knowing your eyes were dark and clouded with lust. All you could hear over the rush of your own heartbeat was the soft mumble of his voice as he praised you.

When he pulled away completely, standing to grab a condom from the end table, your head turned to watch him, just as you had earlier. He smirked when he caught you checking him out, your eyes obviously stuck on the hard line of his cock as it strained against the fabric of his underwear.

“Turn over, sweetheart, get up on your hands and knees for me,” he told you, licking his lips as he tore open the condom.

You didn’t even bother to nod, just moving as quickly as you could on limbs that were still shaking. Your knees sank into the mattress, eagerness clawing at you as you heard the sound of his boxer-briefs sliding down his legs. Still trembling, you looked back at him, loving the look in his eye as he stroked his cock slowly, surveyed the way you were presenting yourself to him.

“Kev, c’mon, stop making me wait,” you pleaded, already rocking back toward him hungrily. He chuckled softly, letting his hand rub over your back in a way that made you shake even more. It surprised you when he pulled you to the edge of the mattress where his feet were still planted on the floor.

“I don’t remember you being this needy before,” he mused, his voice a low hum as he smacked your ass, earning a gasp from you. You gritted your teeth as your hand tightened in the sheets, pressing back toward him again as your pussy throbbed.

“Maybe because before, I hadn’t spent a year and a half fantasizing about you,” you responded, the words punctuated with a moan as he started to drag the head of his cock through your folds. You figured stroking his ego a little bit might get you what you wanted, and your arms were shaking so badly that you dropped to let your chest rest against the mattress.

“Let’s hope this lives up to the fantasy then, huh?” You had started to laugh at his words, but the sound immediately became a loud moan when he sank into you all at once.

You were so full that you swore you could feel him through every inch of you, your muscles already tightening around him eagerly. A grunt left him as his hands found your waist, squeezing you there while his hips ground against you in a way that left you whimpering.

Just as you were about to whine for him to move, to give you more, he pulled back, almost slipping out of you before slamming his hips into yours again. You cursed loudly, nodding in encouragement as he set a rhythm that was somehow both lazy and desperate.

That pace didn’t last though, not when you were still so close to an orgasm that you found yourself rocking back toward him hungrily. He got the message, starting to pound into you with shallow thrusts that had the head of his cock dragging over your g-spot with each stroke. Moaning loudly into the comforter, it was hard to catch your breath, but the need for oxygen was second to your need for him.

“Right there, Kev, fuck, I’m gonna cum,” you gasped out, not even sure if your words were coherent by then. He seemed to understand well enough though, keeping the current pace as his hand slid up your back to press between your shoulders as he fucked you into the bed.

When you came, you groaned into the mattress, only faintly aware of the sharp curse that Kevin let out from the way you tightened around him as he fucked you through it. It was the kind of orgasm that left you boneless and panting, clinging to the sheets in the hopes of staying upright as it faded. With your eyes squeezed shut, you may have blacked out for a second, barely aware of the fact that you were now on your back.

“You good, sweetheart?” Kevin asked softly, leaning over you to press a gentle kiss to your mouth. You nodded, almost feeling drunk as you smiled at him, tilting your head up for another kiss. He was still buried inside you as you throbbed around him, and you were surprised that you were able to move your arm enough to loop it around his neck.

With the buzzing in your mind and body slowing, Kevin’s mouth moved over your throat again as he let you come down a little more. You didn’t need much of a break though, and you gasped when he leaned into you more. The sound made him smirk and his teeth grazed over your pulse point sharply enough that your hips rocked against him.

“Ready for more?” he asked, straightening up before you were ready to lose the contact of him leaning over you. Looking up at him, you nodded, biting your lip. He swore under his breath again, glancing down between your bodies to where you were joined and started to move.

Your urgency and impatience returned quickly, leaving you to roll your hips against his encouragingly as you gripped the sheets beneath you. The groan that left him was so hot, and you could practically see his hands shaking as he reached for a pillow to slide under your hips. You managed to wrap your legs around his waist despite the fact that they still felt like jello, and he made a sound of approval, guiding one leg a bit higher.

He was slow for a bit, just like he had been earlier, studying your body as it was stretched out in front of him. You knew you were flushed, your skin hot and there was at least one mark on you left by his mouth. When you said his name, your tone was desperate and he met your gaze as he nodded. His hand squeezed your thigh, moving to hold the crook of your knee as his brow creased in concentration.

His pace changed quickly after that like he was tired of making you wait for it. The drag of his cock inside you was enough to make you arch toward him and your mouth fell open with a moan. He was far too good at this, he always had been. His jaw was slack as he looked down at you, obviously taking note of the fact that your tits were bouncing each time his hips slammed into yours.

“Fuck, that’s hot,” he breathed, his voice tense as his hand moved from your hip up to your breast to toy with your nipple. The contact made you cry out, your chest rising to meet his hand in search of more.

A smirk flashed across his face at your reaction, his eyes dark as you dug your heel into his back, silently pleading for more. With your hands fisted in the sheets beneath you as you tried to rock against him, you whined his name, already the pressure building in you again. He had such a gorgeous body and you brought a hand up to his abs, letting your nails scratch over his skin lightly.

“Touch yourself, Y/N,” Kevin told you, guiding one of your legs higher on his waist. “I wanna see you make yourself cum while I fuck you, wanna cum with you.” His words were rushed, and the slight increase in pace told you he was growing close, just like you were.

Your hand dropped from his abs to between your thighs, gasping at just how wet you were. Your clit was swollen and throbbing, and the pressure of your fingers made your body shake as his grip on your thigh tightened.

“Goddammit, Kevin,” you whined, rubbing frantic circles against your clit as he fucked you.

“Good girl, keep going, I know you can cum for me again,” he said, the husky tone of his voice only turning you on more. Your breathing was ragged as your legs tightened around him, still needing him deeper.

He leaned over you, one hand beside your head as he pressed his face into your breasts. Grateful for the contact, your arm wrapped around him and your hand found its way into his hair, tugging at the strands. The new angle had his cock grinding over your g-spot with each snap of his hips, sending you over the edge as you continued to rub hard circles against your clit.

Your body arched off the mattress as you came, exhaling moans that were semi-pornographic as his mouth closed around your nipple. He moaned loudly, sending a vibration through you as his hips stuttered, and you both lost all sense of rhythm as you came, grinding together almost aimlessly.

As soon as your orgasm passed, your head fell back, desperately trying to catch your breath as Kevin nuzzled against our chest. He was breathing just as heavily as you were, and his skin was damp with sweat when your hand slid over his back. You doubted you were in any better condition, but you were so content to just lay there for a long while, tangled together and blissed out. His weight was slumped against you a little, keeping you from floating away. When you remembered how to move, your hand moved to his hair, and he hummed in appreciation.

“Holy shit, you’re incredible,” he breathed eventually, turning his head enough to kiss your skin lazily. You couldn’t help the quiet laugh that bubbled in you as you continued toying with his hair. He lifted his head to look up at you and a content grin slid onto your face. “Better than the fantasies?”

You chuckled, nodding as you let out a sigh. “Absolutely,” you told him, smiling as his lips moved up your throat to your mouth. The kiss was lazy but left you breathless, and when he pulled away, you couldn’t help but pout. He shot you a wink, making your stomach flutter as you moved lay against the pillows.

Laying on your side, you watched as he disposed of the condom and stepped into his underwear. You felt warm all over, admiring the lines of his tattoo as he climbed into bed again. He was quick to spoon you, pressing kisses along the back of your shoulder as you relaxed back against him.

It was easy to lay there for a while, talking quietly about nothing really, just light conversation as he kept himself curled around you. You had to get up eventually to use the bathroom, and Kevin made a displeased sound over the fact that you pulled on pants as you got dressed again. Scoffing at him, you made sure to remove them again the second you were back and you hit the light before getting into bed in your t-shirt and panties.

Laying together in the dark, Kevin’s legs tangled with yours as his arm held you around the waist tightly. He was so warm behind you, and neither of you seemed to want to talk about leaving tomorrow, so you talked about easier things until you both dozed off.

#khayes #kevin hayes fic #kevin hayes imagine #nhl imagine #philladelphia flyers imagine #pretty please #mine

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s-horne · 5 years ago

Text

48. high school reunion au (steve/tony)

“Woah. That was a big sigh.”

Tony kept his eyes on the bar-top as he sighed again. “Big problems.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Mm.” Tony sipped his drink and finally looked up. When he did, his drink went down the wrong way and he spluttered. “Wow. Hi.”

The man at his side grinned, blue eyes crinkling. “Hi. So, want to talk about those problems? I’m a pretty good listener.”

“I’d rather talk about you,” Tony said, a purr slipping into his tone as though he couldn’t help himself. “I don’t remember you.”

The man’s face soured a little, handsome features twisting for just a moment. “No, I don’t expect you would. I remember you, though.”

A lot of people remembered Tony. Not all for the reasons that Tony would have liked, he thought as he turned back to his drink. He lifted his glass in a mock salute. “Two shitty high school experiences, then. I hope your reunion will be better.”

“Not been great so far,” the man said and Tony couldn’t stop himself from turning to look at him again, taking a moment to study his features.

He was gorgeous, that much Tony could admit. But however attractive he was, Tony saw nothing overly familiar about him. It was only his eyes that made Tony pause. They were a beautiful blue and there was something about them that sparked a memory. Tony just couldn’t put his finger on what it was exactly.

“Nor mine,” he said finally. “I fooled myself into thinking that my high school crush would be here, but he’s not.”

And, wow. No hesitation in admitting that. High-School-Tony would have rather been tied to the flagpole in front of every student than say he fancied a boy out loud, but times changed. His dad couldn’t hurt him anymore, after all.

“Oh?”

Tony nodded sadly, tongue flicking out to chase the straw in his drink. “Mm. Doubt you’d remember him. No one else seems to. I’m starting to think I made him up, actually.”

The man snorted. “Sounds familiar.”

“Looked nothing like you, though,” Tony said, giving the man a once-over. He quirked a grin and Tony matched it before he began to reminisce again. “He was tiny. Even compared to me, which is saying something given how big I was.”

“Wow. He really must have been small.”

“Hey!” Tony shouted even as he laughed. “But yes, he was. School punching bag, pretty much. Held his own, though. Or tried to, at the very least. Had a black eye more often than he didn’t and yet he was the fittest guy I knew.”

“Wait; who are you talking about?”

“Steve,” Tony said, sighing on the name. It still made his heart flutter, even if he hadn’t seen the guy since graduation. “Steve Rogers. Hung around with Barnes until he went off to college. I think they might have been brothers, even if the bullies used to say they were together.”

The man choked on air and Tony startled, reaching out to slap him on the back.

“Christ, are you okay?”

“You fancied him?”

Tony withdrew the helpful hand he’d offered and glared darkly instead. “Yes. Yes, I did. Were you one of the jackasses that beat him up?”

The man spluttered again, long limbs flailing so much he nearly fell from his bar stool. For someone so large, he wasn’t very aware of his size, it seemed.

“No.”

“Hm.” Tony narrowed his eyes as he settled back down. He let it go and turned back to his drink, taking another long pull. “I was going to ask him out at prom, but my dad wouldn’t let me go.”

“Maybe it was for the best,” the man said and Tony looked up at him curiously, intrigued by the careful tone, “I got beaten up at prom. Badly.”

Tony snorted and then held his hand up apologetically. “Sorry, sorry. I just bet that Steve did, too. A right knight in shining armour he was; always jumping into fights he should have stayed away from. Once, there was this girl from the chess club being harassed by the biggest guy in school and Steve–”

“What was I meant to do?” the man cut in hotly, “let her be groped?”

Realisation crashed over Tony and his mouth fell open. “Steve?” He floundered for a moment. “Steve Rogers? What happened to you? Were you a part of a government experiment; were you injected with something illegal and drug-related?”

Steve laughed, albeit a little stilted. “No. Nothing so exciting, I’m afraid. I joined the army. Me and Buck both did, right after my graduation.”

“Damn. God bless America.”

“You haven’t changed, have you?” Steve asked with a grin.

“Why would I want to?” Tony shot back, winking at Steve and ignoring the rapid pounding of his heart. He wasn’t a child anymore; he could handle a little embarrassment.

“No reason,” Steve said and his expression was so earnest that Tony felt a flicker of hope. “You should never change.”

“Thank you.”

Neither of them had looked away for a while, the air between them growing thick. When Tony hollowed his cheeks around his straw again, Steve’s gaze followed the movement.

“Well, tonight has been a disaster from start to finish,” Tony said, letting his tongue wet his bottom lip just to see Steve’s eyes fall there. “Maybe we can redeem it?”

“I’d like to think so,” Steve said, eyes darkening, “because I’m definitely not finished yet.”

(requested by @thequirkybookaholic from this list of short au prompts)

#i wrote a thing #stony fic #stony au #steve rogers #tony stark #pre serum steve #post serum steve #stony fic rec #stony ficlet #stevetony fic #stony #stevetony #thequirkybookaholic #short au prompts

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skiller0dani · 5 years ago

Text

Only Me | Carl Grimes

Summary: Ron gets a little handsy with you, but in order to prevent Carl from losing faith in his new home you don’t tell him. When Carl finds out, he decides to punish you.

Pairing: Carl Grimes x Dixon!Reader

Word Count: 4.5k

Warnings: Language, Fighting, Yelling, Smut, Unprotected Sex, Dirty Talking, Fingering, Kinky Sex,

A/N: I know Carl is underaged at this point in the series, so if that makes you uncomfortable you can pretend he and the reader are 18. :) also I made Carl kinky af in this bc there is a serious lack of Carl smut and I just want him to dominate me so badly hnnnngggg 🤤🤤

Masterlist

Truth be told, Alexandria made you uncomfortable.

Everyone within the steel walls was totally okay pretending that the rest of the world wasn’t completely fucked. They had jobs, school, picnics in the park, it all felt a little too ‘normal’ for you. You had a nook you liked to hide away in, it was a small abandoned treehouse in one of the backyards. You could see over the wall, watch the walkers roam around and see the city in the distance. You know it’s odd that you feel more comfortable out there rather than in a perfectly safe camp. The people here were nice and welcoming, and they greeted your group as if you were neighbors who just moved into the neighborhood. They acted as though you weren’t from out there, and that you weren’t covered in walker guts when you first strode through the gates. Few knew where to find you when you decided to hide away, and one of those few people was your boyfriend- Carl.

“Thought I’d find you up here.” You hear a voice say below your treehouse, but when you look out you see Ron. A smile stretches across from your face, Ron is nice. He’s been a good friend to you ever since you got here, he’s been trying to help you adjust from living out there to living here in Alexandria. He’s introduced you to people, shown you around, and brought you to all the cool spots that the adults don’t go around. One of them being your treehouse, he’s one of the only other people who knows you’re probably here if you disappear. “Hey Ronny,” you smile as he climbs up the rope and into the treehouse. He has a comic book in his hands as he sits on the mattress next to you. You open the book you snatched from Carol’s stash and you continue to read but you can feel his eyes on you. Ron is cute, you’d be lying if you said he wasn’t a good looking guy but nobody can compare to Carl. You love Carl, and not just because he was the only one around- but for so many other reasons.

“I figured Carl would be with you.” Ron says, his voice tight. You don’t know why there is so much tension between them, they were friendly at first. But the closer you got to Ron, the more the tension between them grew. “He’s on a run with Rick and Aaron.” You say, not really paying attention to him as you continue to read. It’s a history book on some battles from the 1940s, it didn’t really strike you as interesting but it was better than sitting and doing nothing. “Oh cool, now I get to actually spend time with you.” Ron says and you look up from your book, your eyebrows pinching together. “What do you mean?” You ask Ron, who hasn’t even opened his comic book yet. Ron leans back against the wall of the treehouse, his legs stretched behind you as he looks up at you. “Well you always seem to hang around Carl.” Ron says, and he attempts to say it playfully but you can feel the tension behind it. You laugh uncomfortably, turning to focus your attention on your book. “He is my boyfriend after all, I love being around him.” You defend weakly, you’ve never been the verbal confrontation kind of person. Out of the corner of your eye you can see Ron rolling his eyes.

“That doesn’t mean Carl is the only guy in your life, I miss you y'know?” Ron says, his comic book still laying at his side- unopened. You shift uncomfortably, feeling a different kind of tension rising in the air as he slides closer to you. Your heart begins to race in your chest as you cling to your book tightly. “W-Well Carl is the only guy in my life… in um that way…” You respond, your voice quieter than it was before as you nervously stumble over your words. “He doesn’t have to be.” Ron whispers as he reaches up to tuck hair behind your ear, and you can feel his breath fanning over your cheek. You don’t answer as you glue your eyes to the page even though you’re not reading it. “What does Carl have that I don’t? What makes him worthy of getting to hear your pretty moans?” Ron whispers as he leans closer, his lips a few inches from your ear. Ron reaches forward and pulls your book from your trembling hands before resting his hand on your bare thighs. Why did you choose to wear shorts today? “I can hear you two at night, I can hear you moaning for him. Begging for him- but I know you’re only doing that to make him happy. You’re too kind Y/N because I know you want me, I know how your body reacts when I’m around. I’ll bet you’re dripping through those little shorts right now aren’t you?” Ron whispers huskily, his hand sliding up your thigh.

You feel panic pulsing in your chest as you freeze in fear, the only person you have ever wanted and will ever want is Carl. “That’s not t-true!” You protest with a squeak as his hand finds the spot between your thighs reserved only for Carl. Ron chuckles as he continues to inch closer, his lips trying to find yours but you keep turning your head. “R-Ron please stop-” You gasp as you begin to squirm away from him. You expect Ron hasn’t been near many girls his age and Enid would likely cut his balls off if he tried this- but you’re too afraid to do anything to stop him. He’s bigger than you, stronger than you and walkers you can easily take down with confidence. They’re stupid, and they’re dead but people? You’ve always had a hard time dealing with people. That’s probably why he’s so sure you want him- you haven’t voiced otherwise. “Hey baby you up there?” You hear Carl call from the ground and Ron yanks away from you. Your chest is heaving as you scramble to exit the treehouse. You know you should tell Carl about what happened but you can’t, mostly because you’re afraid Carl will kill Ron. But it’s not just that, Carl is so happy here, he feels like this place could be a home. You don’t want to ruin that for him, you’ll just avoid Ron. When you drop to the ground in front of Carl you immediately press yourself into his chest, and he slowly wraps his arms around you. “You okay?” He asks, his eyes flicking up and noticing Ron sitting in the treehouse. You nod quickly, not turning to look at Ron as you grab Carl’s hand and begin pulling him away from the treehouse. “You sure everything is okay?” Carl asks, his anxiety rising as you frantically yank him away from the treehouse. You weren’t doing anything with Ron… were you?

“Y-Yeah everything is fine! How was your run?” You ask, trying to change the subject before you break and tell him what happened. You turn to give him a quick kiss as you start towards the house and you keep looking over your shoulder to make sure Ron isn’t following you. Carl’s eyebrows are pinched together, he knows something is wrong but he won’t force you to tell him. “Went fine, got some good stuff. Nothing eventful happened.” He said, his hand locked with yours as you continue to walk at a brisk pace. You finally release a breath once the door is closed behind you and when you open your eyes you see Carl looking at you with a confused expression. “What aren’t you telling me?” He asks, crossing his arms and you begin to panic. You can’t ruin this place for him, people are important to Carl and if he doesn’t trust the people here… then the security and confidence he has in this place will disappear. You want him to believe this place can be home, you don’t want to destroy that for him. “I just… I had a nightmare last night. That you got bit. I’m happy you’re home safe that’s all.” You say, your eyes glued to the ground. You feel his arms around you, pulling you into him and you hold him so tightly. You want to scrub the feeling of Ron’s hands and his dirty words off your skin, you need to feel Carl’s hands on you.

“Don’t worry, I’m okay. No bites.” He says, smiling into your hair as he presses a kiss to your head. You nod and release a breath before pressing your lips to Carl’s again- taking him by surprise at your eagerness. Your hands grip the collar of his shirt as you deepen the kiss and Carl’s hands land on your hips. You press your chest into his and you feel his breath hitch when you reach down to grab him through his jeans. Carl’s hands press against your shoulders and force you back, “woah just- hold on. You never jump me like this.” He says, concern etched into his face as he looks down at you. Your chest is heaving as you hold him tightly, “I need you. I’ve been so wet all day… please…” You beg, not wanting to tell him the real reason behind your want for his cock. Carl groans when you say that and he reaches down to hoist your legs around his waist. “What if we get caught?” He mumbles between kisses as he heads to the stairs to go up to his bedroom. You begin pressing kisses to his neck as you bite and suck the spot you know makes his knees weak, “then whoever catches us is gonna get one hell of a show.” You smirk as you can feel his growing bulge. Carl carries you into his room and kicks the door shut behind him before he drops you onto the bed.

“Let's hope it’s not my dad.” Carl smiles as he leans over you, his lips finding yours. His hands find yours and trap your hands above your head as he grinds his cock into your clothes pussy, causing a moan to escape your lips. “No let’s hope it’s not my brother or you’ll get an arrow in the ass.” You laugh and Carl winces at the thought of Daryl catching the two of you. You try to free your wrists but Carl holds them tightly, “be a good girl and keep your hands above your head before I have to tie them to the bed.” Carl warns as he releases you and you can feel a rush of arousal head straight to your core. You love it when Carl gets dominant and rough in bed. You bite your lip as you keep your hands where he left them even though you itch to disobey him, just to see what he’d do. Carl reaches down and slowly unbuttons your shorts before pulling the zipper down at an agonizingly slow pace. “Faster baby, I need you in me like now.” You whine as you wiggle your hips, hoping to hurry him up. Carl’s eyes are dark as he looks up at you, “don’t rush me, good girls wait.” He says as he slowly pulls your shorts down. You groan and throw your head back impatiently. Carl tosses your shorts aside and presses a kiss to each of your hip bones before reaching for your panties. You curl your fists into the sheets, trying not to move or rush him because you know if you do he’ll only go slower.

Carl’s pupils blow wide open once he sees your glistening folds, “you really are needy for me huh baby? Look how wet you are.” He hums as he runs a finger through your folds and you whine as your hips buck up. With his other hand Carl presses your hips back to the mattress before giving you a look, “stay still.” He orders, his voice stern and you bite your lip and nod. He returns his attention to your pussy as he slowly pushes two fingers inside you and your eyes roll back. He begins a steady pace of slowly and gently thrusting his fingers into you and you feel the heat rising in your body. When he curls his fingers inside you, you keen into his touch as you bite your lip to quiet yourself. “I want to hear those pretty lips moan for me baby.” Carl says, his voice low and husky as he watches you unravel at his touch. You back arches as his pace quickens, “oh fuck Carl- faster baby.” You beg and he obliges, his fingers beginning to thrust inside you quicker. You begin to pant when his thumb comes to roll small circles over your clit, sending jolts of pleasure to shoot through you. “Baby please don’t stop!” You cry out, your hands nearly ripping the sheets as you curl your fists tighter. You feel yourself getting closer and closer and when Carl harshly thrusts his fingers into you, your coming around his fingers.

He pulls off you and wipes his fingers on his jeans before he tosses you your clothes. “Baby I need your cock now.” You beg shamelessly as he turns to reach for his hat. Carl smiles as he leans over to press a kiss to your lips, “we can’t fuck in the middle of the day Y/N. We will get caught, I’ll make it up to you tonight. I promise.” He smiles and you groan as you pull your clothes on, he’s right and you know it. Carl laughs at the pout on your face, giving your ass a slap as you walk out of his bedroom. “You coming?” You ask him as he lingers in his bedroom, you see his eyes scanning the room for something. “Yeah, I just need to find my knife. Be down in a bit.” Carl smiles before kissing you quickly. You skip down the stairs and feel arms around your waist, you try to scream for Carl but a hand slaps over your mouth. “Be quiet.” You hear Ron whisper as he pulls you to the kitchen, away from the stairs. You feel the fear creep into your chest as he pushes you against the wall, his hand still over your mouth. “I heard those sounds you made for him, they were forced weren’t they? You want me, I can feel the heat between your legs Y/N. Don’t deny yourself the pleasure, I know my cock is bigger than Carl’s…” He whispers lustfully into your ear, before pressing a chaste kiss to your neck. You struggle slightly against him, your eyes wide as he looks into them. When you hear steps down the stairs, Ron pulls away from you and casually moves to sit on the counter as Carl comes around the corner.

“Woah, Ron uh hey?” He says, jumping slightly as he wasn’t expecting Ron to be here. You’re still leaning against the wall, your chest heaving as you gape over at Carl. “Just wanted to say hey, heard you went on a run today.” Ron says, looking at Carl and completely ignoring you. Your heart continues to race in your chest as you feel panic just being in the same room as Ron, he’s dangerous. Carl’s eyes glance between you and Ron, “yeah I did…” He trails off as you brush past him and to the front door. You need air, and you need to get away from Ron. Carl looks back at Ron, “everything okay?” He asks, crossing his arms and Ron smiles. This is exactly what he wanted, he wants Carl to doubt you. “Dunno, when she came down the stairs her shorts were unbuttoned. She asked if I wanted to see her new thong.” Ron said with a shrug and Carl felt nauseous. So something is going on between you and Ron. Carl nods numbly as he turns to lean against the couch. You’re cheating on him aren’t you… with Ron. Carl feels anger boil in his chest as he looks up at Ron, “are you fucking my girlfriend?” He snaps and Ron’s eyes widen. He bites back a smile as he looks at Carl in shock, “she’s your girlfriend? She never told me you were together.” He says, not answering Carl’s question. Carl feels his heart drop as he turns and heads back up the stairs, he can’t be around either of you right now.

When the door opens you turn and your anxiety spikes when you see Ron. He winks at you as he skips down the stairs and you release a breath you didn’t know you were holding. You know you have to tell Carl, Ron is starting to scare you. You don’t know how far he will go, you don’t feel safe. You enter the house and when you don’t see Carl you head up the stairs, and see his door closed. “Baby?” You say loudly before you open the door, and you see him sitting on his bed, not bothering to look over at you. “Carl there’s something I need to tell you-” You start but he stands and when he looks at you, the anger and pain on his face is unmistakable. “So you are sleeping with Ron.” He snaps, crossing his arms and your eyebrows shoot up. You shake your head as you try to take a step towards him, but Carl steps away from you. “What? Carl no I swear I’m not! I don’t know what Ron said but it’s not true.” You try to explain but he laughs bitterly as he turns away from you, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Oh really? Because he didn’t even know you were my girlfriend.” Carl snapped and you felt your heart break, were. “Am I not your girlfriend now?” You ask weakly and Carl doesn’t answer as he continues to face the window. You feel lightheaded as you stand numbly in the doorway, is Carl breaking up with you? “Carl he… he touched me.” You whisper but Carl’s head snaps over to look at you. “Touched you how?” He asked, and you can see the anger building in his eyes. You look down at the floor as your cheeks flush and tears build in your eyes, “b-between my legs and he kissed my neck. I didn’t want him to, whatever he said it was a lie.” You say softly, the tears beginning to trickle down your cheeks. You look up and see Carl’s fists curled and his chest is heaving and there is a dangerously angry look on his face, “he touched you… without your permission?” He asks, his voice tight and you nod slowly. As soon as you nod he’s out the door and heading down the stairs with you not far behind him.

“Carl, don’t hurt him it’s not worth it.” You beg as he storms down the street, heading right to Ron’s house. The dark look in his eyes tells you that he’s not really listening to anything you’re saying. You have to jog to keep up with him as he storms up the porch and straight into the house without knocking. “Carl please,” You plead again as Carl nearly runs up the stairs and down the hall to Ron’s room. Carl throws open Ron’s door, and Ron jumps up from his bed- a shocked look on his face. “Hey man you good?” He asks but Carl is already swinging his fist into Ron’s left cheek. Ron stumbles back, holding his face as it begins to swell. Carl storms towards him and takes his knife out, pressing it to Ron’s throat. “You ever touch her again and I will kill you, you even look at her the wrong way and this knife is going into the base of your skull.” Carl growls before he shoves Ron backwards. When Carl turns you see a panicked look on Ron’s face, and Carl grabs your hand and pulls you out of the house. Carl pulls you down the street, his pace hasn’t slowed since he left Ron’s house. “You should have told me.” Carl snapped and you can tell he’s angry. “I-I’m sorry!” You stammer but he doesn’t calm at all. Carl yanks you into the house and up the stairs.

“You kept it from me, made me worry.” Carl snaps as he slams his bedroom door closed behind you. You stay quiet as he releases your wrist, “you made me think you were fucking him.” He says, his voice low. When he turns to look at you, you can’t help the wave of arousal that rushes through you. Carl takes 2 long strides and is standing in front of you, pushing you by your shoulders, “on your knees.” He instructs and you immediately drop to your knees in front of him. Your hands reach up to unbuckle his belt, the trembling making it hard as you pull the belt through the loops of his jeans. Carl doesn’t say a word as you unbutton his jeans, “baby I’m sorry. I should have told you.” You whisper as you look up at him. You know he’s angry but his eyes soften as he reaches down to stroke your cheek, “baby you seem to have forgotten the rules. You never keep anything from me, and you belong to me. I think you need to be reminded who fucks you the way you like it every night.” Carl says, his voice sweet but his eyes dark with lust. Your breath hitches in your throat as your body gets hot with lust, you squirm a bit as you free his cock. It slaps up against his stomach, the head red and leaking as it pulses. You open your mouth, waiting for him. You know what kind of mood he’s in. Carl grips the back of your head as he slowly thrusts his cock into your mouth, a groan falling past his lips. “You’re mine.” Carl grunts as he begins to thrust into your mouth. You let your jaw go slack and you relax your throat, to allow him to go as deep as he wants to.

“Only I get to touch you.” Carl says, his voice low and you know he’s talking more to himself then you. Your hands rest on your thighs as Carl’s hands gently wind into your hair, his thrusts getting rougher. Tears spring in your eyes due to him constantly hitting your gag reflex, and drool begins to dribble down your chin. “Fuck baby, you take my cock so well.” He groans as his hips begin to stutter and you know he’s close to coming. His hands grip your hair tightly and soon you feel him coming in your mouth. Once you’ve swallowed every last drop Carl pulls you up and yanks your shorts and panties down your legs. “Bend over.” He says harshly and you immediately bend over his bed, your ass up for him. Carl runs a hand over your ass as he runs his tip up and down your folds. After a moment of him not doing anything you turn your head to complain when his hand comes down on your ass, leaving a stinging sensation that has you dripping down your thighs. “You wear these sexy shorts for Ron baby?” Carl asks, his hand coming down on your ass again. You gasp as you smile, you shake your head as your forehead presses into the bed. “No baby, I wear them for you. Only you, I promise.” You whine and his hand comes down on your other cheek, and you moan. “Who makes you feel like this?” Carl asks and you admit, jealousy looks really good on him.

“You baby, you do!” You cry out as he spanks you again. Your cheeks are bright red and stinging when Carl soothingly rubs a hand over them, and you’re panting. You feel Carl press the head of his cock into your folds and then he stops, “beg for it.” He demands, his hands coming to rest on your hips. “Please fuck me, please I’ll never talk to Ron again I promise. Baby I need your cock, I’ve needed your cock all day please fuck me, only you make me feel this good only you.” You plead and Carl hums in satisfaction as he swiftly enters you in one thrust. You gasp as your fingers curl around the blankets. Carl begins to thrust into you hard and fast, leaving you a panting, moaning mess underneath him. “Who do you belong to?” Carl grunts as he continues his brutal pace and you whine, “y-you baby.” You moan, your body jerking with every sharp thrust. “Yeah baby that’s right, you’re mine. Only I get to fuck this pussy got it?” He snaps and your mouth hangs open when he reaches under to thumb your clit. “Y-yeah baby only you…” You gasp as you feel yourself nearing your end. “Baby please can I come?” You beg, knowing you need his permission before he’ll let you. Carl continues to thrust into you, sweat trickling down the side of his face, “yeah baby come around my cock. I want to feel you,” Carl groans, his voice softer than before. As soon as the words leave his mouth you’re squeezing around him and crying out into the mattress as you gush around him. “Fuck I’m gonna come…” Carl moans and you whine feeling him sliding in and out of you, “come inside me baby.” You beg, you need to feel his come inside you. With a few more sharp thrusts Carl is coming inside you, his hips stuttering before they stop. The both of you are panting and covered in a sheen layer of sweat as he slowly pulls out of you, and you whine feeling so empty.

You roll over to lay on your back and Carl collapses next to you. “He didn’t touch you under your clothes did he?” Carl asks, his hand finding yours and you shake your head. “No, he more… brushed me on the outside of my shorts.” You tell him and he nods before turning his head to press a kiss to your sweaty forehead. You snuggle into his chest, “you should have told me. I would have done something sooner.” Carl whispered, and you know he feels guilty… like this is his fault somehow. You press a kiss to his collarbone as you look up at him, “I know. I just didn’t want you to feel like we weren’t safe here.” You explain and Carl squeezes you to him tighter. “All I care about is keeping you safe, I love you. If he ever tries anything again, promise you’ll tell me.” He says, looking into your eyes. You lean up and press a long, slow kiss to his lips. “I love you, and I promise. I’ll tell you. But maybe I shouldn’t if it means you’ll fuck me like that in the middle of the day.” You smirk and Carl groans, his hand pinching his nose. “They definitely heard us.” He whines and you laugh.

“Daryl is gonna kill me.”

#walking dead #walking dead imagine #walking dead smut #carl grimes #carl grimes imagine #carl grimes smut #ron anderson #carl x reader #carl x reader smut

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dialovers-translations · 4 years ago

Text

Diabolik Lovers GRAND EDITION for Switch ;; More, Blood ー Yuma Maniac [Prologue]

Monologue

ーー I could not get the concept of a livestock’s pride,

out of my head.

Since I became one of them, some time had passed.

Compared to the other kids my age, I had a large frame,

and my battle skills weren’t all too shabby either,

so whenever a fight broke out,

I more often than not found myself by Boss’ side.

That day, I ended up finding out

about Boss’ secret.

Opposite to the fear I experienced at that time,

afraid of getting kicked out of the group,

Boss actually began to pay even more attention to me.

No, it was something slightly different.

Unlike before, it seemed as if Boss,

was seeking support from me.

While chowing down on the food he acquired through his secret activities,

we would talk about the most trivial things.

It was such a simple thing,

yet I came to realize that only during those times,

a pressure seemed to be lifted off Boss’ heart.

That is when I first found out.

That even Boss had a hard time,

burdening everything by himself.

It is so obvious when you think about it.

No matter how reliant or amazing of a guy he may have been,

in the end, he was still a young boy.

Boss was not much older than me,

he was still just a child after all.

However, even when I thought of him that way,

my respect for him did not falter.

If anything, knowing he still lived strong despite that,

I admired him.

ー The scene starts with a flashback in the city

*THUD*

Gang member A: Ugah...!

Bear: Ahーahー ...Can you guys not even read a calendar? Ah? I thought we decided we’d settle the score in three days?

See? As you can tell, this message was delivered from you guys’ boss to ours. He was even kind enough to attach a knife with it.

So why are you two here to try and strike while I least expect it? (1) What’s the meaning behind that, huh? You wanted to meet me that badly?

Gang member B: ...Because we have a bone to pick with you! We wanted to at least get one good hit off on you before you all get wiped out!

*Swoosh*

Bear: Wiped out, you say!?

*THUD*

Gang member B: Uguh!

Bear: You really think our whole squad would get wiped out by you little punks? Just how highly do you think of yourself?

Gang member B: ...Heh, hahaha!

Bear: Disgusting. Whatcha laughing for?

Gang member B: Nobody expects it. And that’s exactly why we aimed for those three days.

Bear: Ah...?

Gang member A: Oi, don’t say any more! Let’s go!

Gang member B: Che, guess we’ve got no other choice...!

*Rustle*

Bear: ...Hold it!

ー The other gang members run away

Bear: ...What do they mean...?

*TIMESKIP*

Lucks: ーー The day has finally come.

Once the morning dawns, we’ll go settle the score with those guys. Anyone under the age of ten remains here. You’ll be in charge of protecting the hideout until we return.

Everyone coming with me is all ready to go, right?

Comrade A: Yeah!

Comrade B: More than ever, Boss! We’ve set everything up perfectly for today.

Lucks: Don’t overdo it. Lately the military has been patrolling the city as well. They’re not the kind of guys you want to get involved with.

Bear: ...

Lucks: Oi, Bear? Are you listening?

Bear: Eh? Ah, yeah. What?

Lucks: What’s wrong with you? You look so gloomy. With you looking like that, it’ll affect the spirit of our team!

Bear: My bad...Say, Boss. Shouldn’t we think this over one more time?

Lucks: You’re still saying that? Are you that worried about what they said?

They all talk big like that, no? It’s basically a greeting at this point.

Bear: That’s true but...I have a bad feeling about this. For some reason, I feel restless...

Lucks: Hehe...Bear, you might excel in terms of your built and physique, but you’re more of a coward than I thought.

Bear: Boss! I am seriouslyーー!

*Rustle*

Lucks: Don’t worry. Nothing bad will happen.

We’ve been in plenty of fights up till now, right? However, we always came out victorious.

And if we defeat those guys today, we will finally stand at the very top of this city.

In short, we’ll have conquered the very bottom layer of this country. Do you understand what that means? It’s the first step towards our ‘dream’.

We’re not out to kill each other or anything. Well, I’m sure some blood will be spilt regardless.

We might call each other the enemy, but we’re actually also comrades living in the same place. The real threat are the rich, not them.

Despite everything, I like the kids living here. They’re headstrong, genuine and strong.

Which is why I won’t let them fight ever again once I reach the top. I’ll start by changing my own surroundings like that.

Bear: ...

Lucks: Besides, I’m here for you guys. And so are you all for me. How could we possibly lose?

Bear: ...Yeah, you’re right.

( He’s right. I’m sure this is all just my imagination. ...But you know, Boss. )

( I still have a bad feeling about this. I know that there’s just no possible way we lose, but there’s this uneasy feeling in my chest... )

( ...Please let it just be my imagination. )

Monologue

...Back then,

if only I had stopped Boss even by force,

would he have...would everyone have,

possibly survived?

In those filthy quarters, wearing dirty clothes,

but eating the same food,

as we all became adults together...

...I wonder if Boss,

would have been able to fulfill his dreams...?

ー The scene shifts to another flashback in the city

Comrade A: ...What...on earth is that...?

Comrade B: A tank...!? From the army...!?

Bear: ( ...Those bastards! They really planned to set us up after allーー!! )

Military member: An armed gang has been spotted. We can assume they are a rebellious group as stated in the information we received. Commence suppression!

Lucks: ! You guys, ruーー...!!

*BANG BANG*

Monologue

ーー We were children.

Despite calling this a fight,

somewhere inside our hearts,

we believed it to be impossible to lose our lives in just a kids’ quarrel.

I’m sure that the thought of their comrades dying, their Boss dying,

or even themselves dying,

did not even cross their minds.

Before the overwhelming force in front of us,

we were utterly powerless.

Bear: ...

...Boss...Hey...Open your eyes...

Aren’t you the one who said...I’d have to watch you till the bitter end...?

But you never told me it would be like this...! ...Damnit...!

Military member: ーー A survivor has been spotted. Kill him.

*BANG*

ー The flashback ends as the scene shifts to the kitchen

*Rustle rustle*

Yui: Ah, Yuma-kun! Geez, you’re searching the fridge again...Dinner will be served soon, you know?

Yuma: I’m hungry right now. Actin’ all high and mighty tryin’ to lecture me, huh, Sow?

Besides, it’s ‘cause ya always take forever makin’ our meals.

Yui: ( I started on it as soon as I got back from school, so rushing me any more would be... )

*Rustle rustle*

Yui: ( Ahーah... Today he’s going for a whole package of sausages... )

Yuma: ...

...Oi.

Yui: Yes?

Yuma: Who’s that dude from the other day?

Yui: Eh?

Yuma: That NEET on the staircase.

Yui: Staircase...Aah, you mean Shuu-san? He’s the eldest son of the Sakamaki family. Sakamaki Shuu-san.

Yuma: ...Do ya think I’m dumb? (2) I obviously know that much!

Yui: T-Then why did you ask?

Yuma: This prey really doesn’t get a hint...Is yer head completely empty or somethin’, aahn!?

I’m askin’ what kinda dude the eldest son of those Sakamaki bastards is!

Yui: What kind...?

( He basically wants to know Shuu-san’s personality? Hm... )

A listless...person, I guess? To put it simply.

Yuma: Haah? That isn’t ‘simple’ at all.

Yui: But if I had to put it some other way...He always seems exhausted, for example...?

I’m pretty sure his only interests are music and sucking blood. Also napping.

Yuma: Haah...He’s an actual NEET. (3) Anyway, and that guy’s the eldest son? It pisses me off how those on top are always too lazy to do anythin’.

...No, I guess that’s exactly why he’s like that. He can get his ass on the throne just by sleepin’ after all. Whatever. What else?

Yui: There’s also...Don’t ask me about the details, but I heard he went through quite a lot in the past...

Yuma: ...The fuck? Did he almost get himself killed or somethin’?

Yui: Like I said, I’m not quite sure eithーー

*THUD*

Yui: Kyah...!

Yuma: You do know, don’t you? Ya had them wrapped ‘round yer lil’ finger with that body of yers, didn’t ya? Ah?

So don’t tell me ya don’t know their secrets.

Yui: I’ve told you before, I never...

*THUD*

Yui: ...!

Yuma: Oi...I don’t think you’re that stupid but, you’re not tryin’ to cover for those bastards, are ya?

Yui: Cover...?

Yuma: Aren’t ya hidin’ all and any information which could put them at a disadvantage from us? Aahn?

Okay...Listen up!

Right now, you are our livestock and my toy. In short, we are yer owners.

If ya dare betray us ーー I will kill ya. I’d mess ya up real good, we could actually feed ya to the pigs and cows once I’m done with ya. (4)

Yui: ...Uu...

Yuma: ...Heh. You’re just gonna stand there quietly, shiverin’ in fear again? Ya really are so borin’.

Just don’t betray us then? As long as ya can do that, I can look past minor slip-ups.

‘Course, I have a limit. If ya make too much of a fuss...

ー Yuma grabs hold of her

Yui: ...! What are you doing...!?

Yuma: I’ll teach ya while I’m at it. What kind of punishment would be waitin’ you, that is.

Well? I’m pretty sure yer body is already used to this, whether ya like it or not.

ー He bites her

Yui: ...!

Yuma: Nn...Phew...

Yui: ...Nn...!

*Rustle*

Yui: ( Ah...! )

Yuma-kun...! The pot! The stove is still on...

Yuma: Aahn? Who cares ‘bout that crap? Just keep still!

Yui: No! If it boils for too long, the noodles will become overcooked and it won’t be good...

Yuma: ...Che, pasta out of all things? I can think of at least one person who will throw a tantrum if that happens.

Yui: If you understand, let me go...!

Yuma: Won’t do. If ya want me to stop that badly, then try and stop me yerself.

Yui: No way...!

( How should I do that when he’s holding onto me with his full strength...!? )

Nn...Nn...!

Yuma: Hehe...Do ya really think ya can slip free like that? You’re basically just shiverin’.

Don’t overestimate yerself too much, ‘kay?

‘Cause you’re the one who will end up regrettin’ it in the end...

Yui: ...!

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the dining room

Kou: ...What’s this...? I don’t want to eat this mushy mess!

Yui: I-I’m sorry, Kou-kun. I was going to boil a new batch, but we ran out of pasta...

( I got yelled at as to be expected... )

Kou: Then please give me a reward instead.

Let’s see...Fufu, I’ll forgive you if you let me suck your blood, okay? Say, what do you think?

Yui: W-What I think...?

*Thud*

Yuma: If ya continue spoutin’ that bullshit, you’ll be takin’ one hefty blow ‘gainst that face you’re so damn proud of!

Ruki: Yuma. We’re in the middle of our meal.

Azusa: Don’t worry, the pasta is safe...Hey, Yuma...You can hit me instead if you’d like?

Yuma: Ya stupid!?

Kou: Geez~ What are you getting so upset for? I was just messing around a little. Joking is what we idols do! (6)

Yuma: Do you see me laughin’!? As her caretaker, I’m obviously the one who has to blame her whenever she messes up! Don’t try and take my job!

Yui: ( Actually, it’s Yuma-kun’s fault the pasta overcooked in the first place... )

( Speaking of which, I wonder why Yuma-kun asked about Shuu-san earlier? )

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) Yuma uses the word 寝込み or ‘nekomi’ which literally implies that they tried to attack him ‘in his sleep’. However, I think this is meant to be taken less literal in this case, but refers to the fact that they were expecting an attack in 3 days, so they could have been caught off guard.

(2) Literally he says ‘are you looking down on me/are you underestimating me?’ but ‘do you think I’m dumb’ sounded better in this context.

(3) A NEET stands for a person who isn’t in education or training, implying that they don’t work but aren’t currently in school either. They have a very bad reputation for being ‘lazy’, simply wasting their life away at home, sitting at the computer, watching TV, etc.

(4) Yuma says he would mess her up so badly, she could actually become ‘food for livestock’ by the end of it.

(5) In Japanese, the expression for overcooking noodles in Japanese is ‘麺が伸びる’ or ‘men ga nobiru’ which literally means ‘the noodles will stretch’, referring to them being too plump/soft because they cooked for too long.

(6) Kou calls it an アイドルジョーク or ‘Idol joke’ which isn’t a term I’m actually familiar with. I do know that idols in Japan appear on TV quite often and a lot of those programs are geared towards comedy, so I assume having a decent sense of humor is a must if you want to be a Japanese idol. xD

→ LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

<- [ Dark Epilogue ] [ Maniac 01 ] ->

#diabolik lovers #dialovers #yuma mukami #more blood #diabolik lovers translation #mbyumamaniacprolog

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bitter-sweet-farmgirl · 4 years ago

Text

ADM Director's Cut: Iktibith E

This is in reply to THIS ask. Director's Cut is below the cut

I fled far away from the Company, my breath coming in ragged spurts as tears blurred my vision. All I could hope for was that nobody would follow me. I just wanted to be left alone.

Soon my feet left the familiar cobblestone of Rivendell’s paths and trod upon the plush, green grass. I had no plan of where I would go; I just knew I needed to get away.

Suddenly, I found myself on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the rushing river below. It reminded me of the stream back in Lothlorien, except more wild and unpredictable.

This part right here, where I began to describe Imladris, was kinda interesting to do because I just started to unconsciously start to compare it with Lothlorien and tried to connect Estel to it in some way.

A soft sigh escaped my trembling lips as I thought back to my foster mother and how she would take me out to the stream every day for a walk, balancing on the stones out in the gurgling waters and laughing if one of us got wet.

Oooo, this was interesting too because it was the very first time I ever mentioned Estel's foster mother and her backstory. This is truly where she began to grow as a character and take shape. Also note that I never specifically mention that her foster mother is an Elf... But it's kinda a given since I talk about her living within Lothlorien for a time.

I could still see her long brown locks tumbling down onto her shoulders, and blue eyes that sparkled with a merriment that still couldn’t quite conceal the pain she hid inside.

A pain she had never explained to me, other than a few passing words about a man she had loved very deeply, but had to leave. She told me about the young son she had left behind as well, a boy no more than two centuries old whom she and her husband–my foster father, I supposed, even though I had never met him–had named after the season of green leaves he had been born into.

Also another interesting-as well as hard--part to write as I described her foster mother's history and gave you guys some tidbits to get you wondering about who she was....

Thinking about my mother finally broke the dam holding back my tears, and I began to sob; shoulders shaking as my head fell into my hands.

It was only one word, but it rocked me to my very core. Not because of what it meant, but because of who said it.

My absolute favourite dialogue--well maybe not absolute, but up there in the top five ;). It really just packs this huge punch of emotion. Because really, if anybody else insulted Estel, she wouldn't really think twice about it. But since it was Thorin... well, that hurt pretty badly.

Back when Naneth had told me about the man she loved, I hadn’t understood her pain. But now I did; on a personal level. I knew there was something special about Thorin the moment I had laid eyes on him, but I hadn’t expected him to treat me with such blatant dislike.

Being raised in Elven culture, I had been taught about their belief in soulmates. The person who you just knew deep down in your soul was the one the first time you laid eyes on them. I didn’t know if Dwarves had such a belief or not, but the feeling I had felt deep inside me when I had first met him… It was as if we were two halves of a whole being drawn nearer to one another in order to complete ourselves.

But he obviously didn’t feel the same.

“Miss Estel?”

I quickly wiped at my tears, trying to steady my breathing. Of all the times in the world to approach me, he did it at the one time I didn’t want to be around him.

Heavy footsteps trod closer to me, but I didn’t look up to see who it was. I already knew from his voice.

“Leave me alone.” I growled out, turning my head away from him so he couldn’t see my tears in the bright moonlight reflecting from the river.

Thorin let out a sigh and proceeded to sit next to me, resting his arms on his knees as he looked out across the gorge. "I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I truly didn’t mean to do so, Miss Estel.“ He murmured quietly, and I distantly wondered if he had gone mad. Since when did Thorin Oakenshield apologize to anyone?

This was a bit of a delicate dance here since I was trying to make Thorin still seem aloof and unfeeling towards Estel--because he totally doesn't like her, that would just be crazy, right?--but I also wanted him to teach her Khuzdul.

I continued to hide my face from him, trying to use my midnight locks as a shield, but my attempts to quiet my running nose caught his attention.

"Are you crying?” Thorin asked softly, concern lacing his words. A hand rested itself on my shoulder and I started, whirling to look at him in confusion.

Oh this was funny too, since as a rule, Dwarrows are FIERCELY protective of their Ones and Thorin would be horrified to see that Estel is crying--which explains his uncharacteristic physical touch.

Honestly, his first reaction would be to try and make her feel better, as well as go murder the person responsible for making her cry--himself--but since he's obstinately denying that he is in love with her, he settles for just being concerned.

Thorin watched me with a furrowed brow, retracting his hand from my shoulder. I swallowed hard, turning away to wipe at my eyes. "No, I’m fine. Just leave me alone. I know you don’t want to be doing this.“ I said roughly, but Thorin shook his head, sapphire eyes turning to look at the ground.

"I’m sorry.” He murmured again, and I scoffed.

“Sorry doesn’t fix everything, Master Thorin. It’s cowardly to insult someone in a language they don’t understand, and ‘sorry’ won’t magically fix it.” I said, and Thorin’s gaze wandered over to my face.

“How do you not know Khuzdul? You are a Dwarrowdame.” He said, voice filled with confusion.

I bit my lip. He was beginning to tread on dangerous grounds, and I wasn’t sure if I liked it. One wrong word and I could end up on my own. "Personal reasons.“ I muttered, and Thorin opened his mouth, about to ask another question when I cut him off. "Personal reasons that I won’t be sharing, Master Thorin."

Yet another hard part to write. I really had to watch my wording here since I didn't want Estel to reveal any part of her upbringing to anybody yet, so giving Thorin an answer he wouldn't contest was a little difficult.

He nodded in understanding, his expression gaining a strange hesitance. "Would it help if I taught you Khuzdul?” He questioned, and I pulled my gaze away from the grove of maples I spotted on the other side of the gorge, raising an eyebrow.

“You would teach me?”

“Of course. All Dwarves should know Khuzdul.” He said, and I considered his offer, wondering just what strings were attached to this.

This is a good part. So of course, Thorin doesn't want to seem TOO nice, but I really needed him to be teaching her Khuzdul. So he just throws it out there, torn on whether he wants her to say yes--he would get to spend time with her and maybe find out about her backstory, who knows--but he also doesn't want her to say yes--he would be spending time with her and might mess up/make a fool of himself around her.

Of course, Estel is a bit skeptical about this--I mean, we are talking about the Dwarf who seems to want nothing more than to have her gone from this quest--but she goes along with it. (If I'm being honest, she probably would like to spend more time with Thorin too... ;))

There had to be something.

“And I wouldn’t be a burden?” I asked skeptically, and Thorin was quick to shake his head, dark brown hair falling onto his chest.

“No, you wouldn’t be more of a burden then you already are.” He said gruffly, and the faint feeling of warmth blossoming within me was snuffed out, only to be replaced with the familiar resentment of the Dwarrow sitting beside me.

My absolute favourite dialogue scene in this chapter beside the previous one I mentioned above. I just adore this part because it circles back around in Anrâd... Buzrâ when Estel brings this back up.

Backstory on Thorin's dialogue... To the person who isn't in Thorin's mind in this moment--everyone except me, haha!--this sounds like a really harsh comment that just reflects Thorin's feelings on Estel. Or maybe they recognize that he's just trying to maintain his gruff image. Either way, the true meaning behind his words is not revealed until Anrâd... Buzrâ.

That's when Thorin tells Estel that those words carried no weight for her since she was, and I quote: “You’ve never been a burden to me, Estel. Only the greatest gift Mahal could ever give.”

Now isn't that sweet?

“I accept your offer then. Thank you, Master Thorin.” I said sincerely, “but I have one question.”

“What?”

“What does 'amralimí’ mean?” I asked, and Thorin looked at me, his brow furrowed in confusion for a moment before he began to chuckle.

Note the purposeful misspelling of Amrâlimê here. I wanted to ensure that Estel didn't know the exact way to pronounce it since she might ask someone else to explain it for her. It also sounds more believable since she doesn't know the language, and therefore would be mispronouncing words quite easily.

“I’m afraid that I cannot tell you that just yet, Miss Estel. You will just have to be patient.” He said, standing up and rolling his shoulders. "Zann galikh. That means 'good night’.“ He said, striding away from me, back towards the paths of Rivendell.

Thorin's denial here is pretty characteristic of him. There might have been some internal panicking--we'll find out in the chapter of Matters of the Heart that covers this from Thorin's POV--and he's trying to figure out how to cover up his 'slip of the tongue'.

~~~~~

The next morning found me reluctantly packing my things so we could leave as soon as possible. I had hoped we could linger in Rivendell for awhile, but Thorin wanted to be off as soon as we could.

Here I really wanted to talk more about Estel's experience in Imladris, but I just kinda ended up skimming the entire thing, so hopefully I'll get around to writing a Bonus Chapter that covers it!

It would be an understatement to say that he disliked Elves. He hated them with every fibre of his being. But all this haste didn’t stop him from beginning to teach me Khuzdul.

"I am your ugshar; your teacher or one who is very learned in certain subjects.” Thorin said while I rolled up my bedroll. "Repeat the word.“

Rolling my eyes, I stared up at him. "Ugshar. Happy?” I asked and he nodded gravely.

“That is a good start.” He rumbled and then walked away from me, towards Dwalin who was leaning up against a wall inspecting one of his axes. "We’ll continue this later.“

As soon as he had turned his back to me, I threw up my hands in a gesture of defeat. I was never going to learn anything at this rate.

Estel is already frustrated with Thorin, isn't that funny? But anyways, Thorin is kinda nervous talking with Estel and he is looking for a way out of this situation and finds it in the form of Dwalin.

My guess in this moment is that Dwalin ribs him about Estel; says/does whatever guy friends say/do to their friends after they see them talking with their crush, idk.

"Hey, Estel.” A voice whispered and I turned to see Kili and Fili motioning for me to come towards where they stood, partially hidden by a pillar. "Come here.“

Letting out a quiet groan, I walked towards them as nonchalantly as I could and joined them beside the pillar. Crossing my arms, I gave them a no-nonsense look. "What do you want?” I asked, getting a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach at the sight of Kili’s cheeky grin.

“Rumor has it that Thorin offered to teach you Khuzdul.” Kili whispered conspiratorially and I nodded.

Nosy buggers getting involved with their Uncle's 'secret' crush already... I love these two.

“He did and it’s none of your business so bug off.” I said, making Kili snicker.

“I’m curious, why don’t you know Khuzdul. You are a Dwarf right? Or are you just a really short human woman, or–Mahal forbid--an Elf? Thorin might have a heart attack.” He said, and even though his words were in jest, I felt a small shiver of fear travel down my spine.

I really love the Easter egg I planted here; it's yet another beautiful piece of this chapter. I plant a little seed of suspicion here as Kili says '...Mahal forbid--an Elf?"

Thorin doesn't like Elves, I state that many, many times and Estel knows that very well. It also ties in with Estel's mental description of her foster mother.

Again, note that I never specifically stated that her foster mother was an Elf. But right here, I actually reveal that her foster mother is indeed an Elf, because of Estel's reaction to Kili's words. If she had been raised by a human woman in Lothlorien, she wouldn't worry so much about Thorin's reaction to her upbringing.

But she is concerned, and that just reaffirms the belief that she was raised by Elves. It's also just a funny line of dialogue from Kili as he is his usual dramatic self.

“It’s none of your business.” I repeated, but Kili didn’t want to let the subject go.

“What has Uncle dearest taught you so far?” He asked, and I shrugged.

“The word for teacher and that’s it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have things to do before we head out or Thorin’s going to kill me.” I said, turning away and beginning to walk away from the two annoying brothers.

But Fili and Kili reached out and grabbed my arms, pulling me back. "I doubt he’d kill you, Estel… I can guarantee you that thought has never once entered his mind.“ Fili laughed, and I gave him an incredulous look.

Fili slips up a bit here and reveals that Thorin cares for Estel. Not that my oblivious little Dame realizes that...

"Are you daft? Wait, don’t answer that. I already know the answer.” I said, making Fili frown at my teasing. "Have you seen how he treats me? The way he looks at me? And you think he hasn’t ever once thought that I’m an annoying burden?“ I asked, and Kili and Fili gave me astonished looks as though I had just said some sort of blasphemy.

Kili began stuttering unintelligibly, his brown eyes wide with shock. Fili was a bit more eloquent and started to say something, but a sudden deep voice behind me cut him off.

Here Estel blows Fili and Kili's minds as she talks about Thorin in such a way. They thought that it was obvious to her that Thorin liked her and all that--again, noting that they all believe she is a Dwarrowdame raised by Dwarves. So now they are wondering why Estel doesn't like Thorin and are going to try and change the tide.

"Fili, Kili, what are you doing? Have you gotten everything packed up?” Thorin boomed, and I whirled around to see him walking towards us, his steel blue eyes smoldering.

The brothers muttered something about being almost done and quickly darted off, leaving me and Thorin alone.

“Were those two Lalkîths bothering you?” He asked, stopping in front of me, and I cocked my head, not understanding his word of choice. "Young idiots.“ Thorin clarified after taking in my puzzled expression, and I nodded in understanding.

"A bit. They dragged me over here to ask if it was true that you offered to teach me Khuzdul.” I said, and Thorin raised an eyebrow.

“Did they tell you anything?” He asked, and I shook my head, wondering why this was so important. "Good.“

Is it or is it not apparent that Thorin is deathly afraid of his sister-sons revealing his feelings about Estel to her? I mean, by this point, literally everyone in the Company--except for Estel--knows that Thorin is head-over-heels for Estel.

I opened my mouth to ask him why, but he had already turned away from me and was striding away, barking orders at everyone else.

I watched him go, Fili’s words echoing in my mind. ”...I can guarantee you that thought has never entered his mind.“

There was a meaning to his words, I knew it, but I couldn’t figure out just what it was. Perhaps it would be the key to understanding Thorin; the Dwarrow that seemed to change the moment you thought you had him figured out.

Estel is a bit confused over Fili's words and how they relate to Thorin, since she really doesn't even consider the idea that *gasp* Thorin might actually like her back.

#director's cut #thorin x estel #adm #a deep misunderstanding #chapter 3 #iktibith E #the hobbit #fanfic #fanfiction #thorin #thorin x oc #fili #kili #the company #imladris #rivendell

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kendrixtermina · 4 years ago

Text

The “Genocidal Edelgard” Shallowtake

I was not going to make a post about this because it’s most likely futile and not going to convince anyone nor do I believe in dinifying the purity police with attention, but maybe it will let some ppl know that they dont have to let themselves be shamed for liking the wrong video game character

Whatever might have been the case in the distant past when Nemesis was around, by the “present day” the Nabateans are not at all some commonly oppressed stereotyped minority - the setting is chock full of characters that fit that bill a lot better like Dedue or Cyril. Characters that are ordinary humans not magic dragons.

And even that is more founded on general purpose xenophobia than from the specific, relatively new early modernity construct of racism. (the dedue situation probably comes the closest)

Sure, Seteth and Flays have to hide from their old enemy the Agarthans, I see how some might find that relatable etc. but most of the population isn’t aware that they exist at all. They hold high status positions, are worshipped by the local religion and Rhea all but rules the entire continent (and says so herself to Byleth in that speech about how she was just “ruling this wayward country in your stead”, “you” being Sothis) - though that is mostly Rhea’s doing of which Seteth and Flayn are relatively innocent.

The interviews pretty much confirmed that the Nabateans constituted the local aristocracy and that many humans genuinely saw the Elites as liberators - though there was definitely also an element of ppl going around killing random Nabateans to gain superpowers, not to speak of Nemesis’ very obvious very unambiguous mass murder. Not wanting to be ruled over by foreign powers is understandable, though obviously killing them all down to the last civilian was just flat out evil - its certainly not a simple situation, we can all agtree Nemesis & the Agarthans were evil but there is no clear defined good guy.

There are historical conflicts you could compare this to, perhaps some conflicts in Africa or the middle eastwhere different groups took turns being the ruling class after the latest war, but it’s not at all like the modern USA or early modernity colonialism, and forcing every real or, in this case, imagined scenario inherently dependent of fantasy elements, into this one framework from the present or near past isn’t conductive to understanding at all.

And in the present day, by the time Edelgard is alive, we are talking about three specific people that she has good reason to dislike individually. Not any sort of group at all.

She calls Rhea a cruel beast because that’s all she’s ever seen Rhea to be. She’s the shadow tyrant who rules her world, who created the crappy world Edelgard grew up in. It’s no different Cubans thiking badly of the castros after suffering through famines - or, no need for such extreme examples really, ppl call their least favorite politicians monsters all the time.

She’s wrong to assume that Seteth & Flayn are wholly on board with this, but on the other hand, it’s not at all a far-fetched assumption to make: They hold high positions in the church though they ostensimbly just appreared out of nowhere one day. Do you have to be an evil bigot to assume that the brother and right hand man to the tyrannical god-queen is condoning & supporting her actions?

The truth is of course that underneath her pseudo-parental facade Rhea is sort of a scared girl, very lonely, very afraid, and ashamed, in a shallow, childish way, for “breaking the rules” just because they are rules. She says she can’t trust anyone, that she feels lonely & isolated... and while no one can blame her for distrusting humans after the slaughter of her people, but the reason she can’t trust Seteth is that she’s keeping her bad deeds secret from him. He wasn’t there the whole time, he just showed up a few decades earlier.

She sees herself only as filling out for Sothis and doesn’t quite grasp that she’s in charge, very much a follower personality bent on stasis & regularity.

Is Edelgard obliged to try & unravel the complex psychology of the tyrant who rules her home to correctly deduce why she would deceive even her own family? By all intents and purposes, Edelgard is the one getting rid of an oppressive government that doesn’t let ordinary humans let a say at all. A government where ppl of others faiths and nationalities are typically oppressed unless they work directly for the church.

It’s like having a disdain for, say, Ivanka Trump. She holds a high position in her father’s administration despite having no obvious qualifications, she appears to be profiting & making bank from her father’s atrocities, she certainly hasn’t done anything to stop him or disavow him the way that, say, her cousin Mary did - if you suffered under Trump’s regime you’d be very justified in assuming that Invanka is probably a bad person.

Flayn only looks young (She might not if we saw her in other clothes). I mean, Kronya could badly impersonate a schoolgirl. At the very least they’ve supported the regime by refusing to question their own side and they show some however benevolent belief that it is their duty to “guide” the people. Leaving her to the Agarthans is certainly questionable, but no more so than doing it with Rhea herself, under the assumption that she’s guilty and that it’s a sacrifice that will prevent larger chaos. The agarthans had their plan long before they created Edelgard as we know her, and she couldn’t stop their plots all on her own.

You could say that it’s callous, distasteful or a deal breaker - as the death knight is her direct subordinate & she makes a personal appearance in mask, I would argue that she definitely knew & sanctioned the kidnapping - but she’s no more callous towards Flayn than towards anybody else.

Of course, that doesn’t mean they’re evil, or that they deserve to die.... and Edelgard would agree with me. She doing all this to prevent death – flipping the lever on the trolley problem so it crushes one person instead of five so to speak. She always gives her enemies the chance to surrender, unwilling allies the chance to leave, and jails enemies whenever leaving them alive wouldn‘t lead to further death… even the ones she has the most personal reason to hate, like the PM.

As servants of the church who have chosed to back her enemies, she’ll certainly kill them if she has to, but not any more than any other enemy. At no point anywhere in the story does she say anything like that they need to die on principle. Nowhere at all. Indeed there is much evidence to the contrary.

The church paints her as being completely against the religion or even wanting to set herself up as a satanic godess cause it‘s good politics & they don‘t get what she‘s doing – to an extent her own credibility & messaging is compromised by her secretive and at times unscrupulous actions, no one said she was perfect. In truth all she wants is to have the church out of politics, you know, what we have in nearly every modern country outside the vatican and saudi arabia.

You can absolutely let Flayn & Seteth go on CF and there is no word, no fuss about it anywhere. No „make sure to kill em all“ which would certainly be there if the narrative wanted to portray Edelgard that way. It requires the mediation of Byleth as someone they would talk to & not immediately assume the worst of, but, they see the church as the embodymet of all that is good & fighting its enemies as their sacred duty so of course it wouldn‘t be possible for just anyone to talk them down. It‘s framed as Flayn letting Byleth go cause they saved her life once, even if we know from behind the screen that she wasn‘t going to survive a fight to the death against the player-controlled faction.

Heck, even when it comes to Rhea, the one most guilty that Edelgard has the most reason to loathe, she‘s ultimately surprisingly gracious. She gives her the option to surrender – and this is not a lie, she discusses this with Byleth in a lecture question, and seriously ponders the possibility. Here Byleth gets a range of options like „stab her in the back“ and „keep the church under imperial control“ but you know which one nets you the support points? „Strip her of her authority so she can‘t interfere in politics“. She wasn‘t gonna mess with the religious folks & their religion at all, just make it so it‘s separate from government. Rhea could even keep being pope, if she could be satisfied without having complete supreme authority (and ripping her precious artifact out of Byleth‘s chest) – even when she puts her down she‘s not 100% without pity, telling her that „Your duty is done“ (the translators mucked this up)

Couldn‘t be any further from „lets kill them all on principle“.

What really annoys me is how ppl go and twist everything Edelgard says out of context to ascribe a motive to her that just isn’t there.

Common examples:

„If you have Flayn or Seteth fight her she‘ll say they need to die because they‘re nabateans“

Actually what she says is this: „You are a child of the godess. You must not have power over the people!“ Not getting to be privileges rulers anymore =/= being opressed. Stay out of politics =/= Diediedie. Also, this is from the VW/SS boss fight, where they have literally come to get her in her own capital.

„Linhard & Leonie don‘t tell her & hubert about Indech, probably cause he expects that she‘ll go & kill him„

What he actually says is: „Lake Teutates is a place that concerns the saints of the Church of Seiros. It may become bothersome should the two of them find out...“

„It may be bothersome“ as in, „we might get in trouble“, for doing the possibly very inadvisable thing of waltzing into what could possibly be an enemy location to satisfy personal curiosity. If it‘s something related to her agenda she might take over and Linny wouldn‘t get to investigate as he pleases – at very most you might construe it as Linny fearing that they‘ll be accused of consorting with the enemy, but „bothersome“ suggest possible annoyance not imminent murder.

The whole scene ends with Linhard telling Byleth to fill her in later. Doesn‘t sound at all like he expects her to go back with a harpoon.

„She said Claude isn‘t fit to be a ruler cause he‘s a foreigner“

What she actually says: „I understand your ideals are not so far removed from my own. But without knowledge of Fodlan‘s history, I cannot entrust its rule to you“

Now without the additional contexts that Claude won‘t get until after the fight, it might easily feel a bit like the former with the raw spots he‘d have from his backstory, but what she means is that he‘s ignorant of the Agarthan threat – which he is. Edelgard is all for making peace with Almyra and sees fostering isolationism & prejudice as one of the many faults of the church.

Once Claude basically kills Edelgard for information, he winds up having to take care of the storm she had been holding back. But to his credit, he DID „finish the job“ and get the info. But he didn‘t have it at that point.

And I don‘t mean any of this in the least bit as a diss of Claude - He is the smartest character, so there would be no plot if he got easy access to the info. At this point, they both think they can probably do better, and more importantly, both their backstories have made them so that they won‘t let down their guard far enough to cooperate in this scenario.

That‘s also why the outcome in CF is contingent on Byleth‘s choice. - You‘d sort of have to trust that he will also act so as to minimize casualties.

Very disingenious since many players wouldn‘t necessarily trigger these dialogues.

I guess because Adrestia got a vaguely central-european aesthetic (partially; all the countries are hodgepodge mashups and there’s more than enough spanish or ancient roman vibes there) and central europe existed only for those 12 years of tyranny I guess, even though many other places have had similar BS happening, including the US that delights in making craptons of movies about their faraway victory because their governments haven’t added much of value to the planet as of late. -.-

Faerghus (vaguely french/ russian - not at all places where nothing bad happened ever) has actually annexed some territory from their northern neighbors in the recent past, not to speak of the whole Duscur atrocity - but no one seems to go around laying that at Dimitri’s feet, because it would be nonsensical - he was a child at the time and as an individual he is super against it and champions a policy of reconcilliation if he gets to rule. after all, there wouldn’t be much of a plot if the characters inherited three perfect faultless problem free countries.

Edelgard, too, is completely against the previous administration under Duke Aegir (which was in charge during the Bridgid war). She deposed him and is plotting to do the same with Arundel once she can politically afford to do so. For all that one can understand why she would chose the other path (depending on how much she knows about what Edelgard’s doing and why) it makes all the sense in the world for Petra to support her on CF or if not recruited, because again, she got rid of that previous administration.

#edelgard #edelgard von hresvelg #fe3h #fire emblem: three houses #fire emblem three houses

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theotherjourney7 · 4 years ago

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“On the intensive care unit today covering a colleague who is unwell, so only time for a brief update this week. You may have seen a lot of coverage that London hospitals are very badly affected by COVID-19 right now. This is all pretty accurate I’m afraid.

Hospitals in the north of England seem to be stabilising now which is a relief, but the situation in south Wales, east London and the north Kent remains very difficult. COVID patient numbers have doubled where I work in the last week.

Compared to the first wave, we are looking after a much larger number of patients with ‘usual’ illnesses. Heart attacks, strokes, trauma, cancer surgery etc. NHS staff are getting pulled in lots of directions.

Hospital staff are spread very thinly. We cannot shut down other patient services and re-deploy staff to intensive care or respiratory wards as we did in the spring. Nursing staff in particular, are under a lot of pressure as they work to maintain good quality patient care.

Nightingale Hospitals won't help because the main problem is the availability of trained staff. We are already 'diluting' our skilled ICU nursing staff with less well trained volunteers from other parts of the hospital.

In the first wave we enjoyed a wonderful sense of cohesion. Everyone in society seemed to understand and accept the crisis. NHS staff felt genuinely moved by the weekly clap for carers and felt absolutely appreciated for the personal risks they were taking.

Now we see people in positions of responsibility (e.g. MPs) routinely question public health policy. Social distancing efforts amongst the public are a lot more variable. NHS staff see this making their work even harder, and it’s hitting morale hard. No-one is clapping now.

People debate impacts on the economy versus public health as if it’s a straight trade-off. It’s not. Poor health leads to poor wealth. A simple fact. It’s not credible that anyone would claim to care about economic impact on the little guy, but not worry if they live or die.

This is very much the long hard winter that NHS leaders feared. We can also expect a further rise in hospital admissions in January. This will affect everyone’s healthcare for every illness. Society expects the NHS to deal with all of this and will criticise us if we fail.

So please take care over the next few days and weeks, if only for your own sake. I have seen what COVID-19 can do to you. Get vaccinated as soon as you are invited. We are proud to be your NHS but please take care of us this Christmas.

.”-Dr. Rupert Peasrse; Queen Mary, Unversity of London Intensive Care.

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juju-on-that-yeet · 4 years ago

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Lost and Found

Whumptober Day 25: I Think I’ll Just Collapse Right Here, Thanks Prompt: Disorientation

After two days lost in the wilderness, Eric and the Jims are doing poorly. When help finally arrives, they’re too out of it to appreciate it. (continued from “Down, Down, Down”)

Warnings: Head injury, vomiting mentions

Read on AO3 (Full Whumptober Series)

Enjoy!

On the first full day of Eric and the Jims being stranded at the bottom of the ravine, they drink through their last water bottle.

The crushed granola bars weren’t enough to keep them from waking up hungry, and not even finishing off their water can stop the hunger pains from increasing throughout the day. RJ goes off to find food, but Eric is worried about what he might return with. Any mushroom or berry around here could easily be poisonous. RJ eventually returns not with food, but with news of a creek up ahead that they could get more water from. Eric is pretty sure they’d have to boil it to drink it safely, but the only container they have is their water bottle. When RJ makes another trip to the creek and comes back with a bottle full of water, though, Eric is less concerned. The water looks fine, and the sun is so hot, and the hunger hasn’t abated. So he and RJ drink, and they give some to CJ, too.

At least, they try; CJ is still barely conscious with no strength to drink on his own, and most of the water drips past his lips and down his neck. Every once in a while he groans and tries to sign something, but his hands are no clearer than they were the day before. Eric spends most of the day with him as RJ makes countless trips with their water bottle. His attempts to find food all fail, and the three go to sleep still hungry.

The second day begins when Eric wakes up with revulsion already crawling up his throat. He vomits creek water onto the ground beside him as RJ, newly awoken by Eric’s retching, rubs his back and tries to comfort him – until he has to vomit, too, and stumbles away from where the group has been sleeping to puke up yesterday’s water.

“Was there something in the water?” Eric gasps between heaves.

“I don’t know,” RJ coughs, “It could be because we haven’t eaten, too.”

A few hours pass. Eric and RJ continue to retch on and off, even when nothing more comes up. CJ, meanwhile, never so much as gags. He ate as little as the others did, but he barely drank any water, and in that Eric and RJ have their answer.

The repeated vomiting leaves RJ too weak to go looking for food again, or for a better source of water. Not that Eric much notices; his broken arm is hurting worse than it has before. The limb is swollen and discolored, and Eric can’t help but fear how much worse it is under the skin. RJ curls up, rubbing his bruises, probably aching all over from his own fall down the ravine. CJ still looks terrible; the wound on his head is inflamed, and his pupils still don’t match. He makes less noise than he did the day before, his attempts to sign are fewer and even less effective. Eric expects he won’t be able to sleep when night falls, but his aches and worries catch up to him and drag him under alarmingly fast.

The third day is hell.

Eric wakes up and doesn’t feel rested. His stomach is in knots, as though with no food available it has decided to eat itself instead. RJ is curled up again, whimpering. CJ is still asleep, or maybe he’s unconscious. The thought should send a pang of fear through Eric, but he doesn’t have the strength to be scared, he doesn’t have enough awareness to be afraid. Thoughts float in and out of his mind, thoughts of home, thoughts of the others, thoughts of rescue, but none of them strike any emotion. He’s too weak to feel a thing. He falls in and out of sleep, and he suspects RJ does, too. He can barely remember that there’s people with him, barely recall anything outside himself. It’s only hot. He’s only exhausted.

At some point in the day, something changes. It takes Eric several moments to realize that some new people have shown up. He can’t concentrate on what that means and watch the figures approach him at the same time, so he stops thinking and watches Bim and Wilford approach him.

“Oh god, guys, can you hear me!?” Bim half-asks, half-shrieks, frantic with worry. He dashes to Eric – and to the twins, Eric remembers their presence. Bim manages to wake RJ, who groans as he’s shaken out of his slumber.

“Good lord, what happened to you three?” Wilford asks Eric, looking uncharacteristically concerned. Eric’s throat is too dry for him to answer.

“CJ? CJ??” Bim says as he gently shakes CJ’s shoulder, trying to wake him. “CJ, come on, Cam, wake up!” The fear in his voice kicks up a notch. “Oh god, Cammie, buddy, please wake up–”

“Let’s get them home,” Wilford says, firmly but gently, interrupting Bim’s terrified ramble.

“Right, right,” he gasps. He carefully scoops up CJ, making sure to support his head. Wilford, meanwhile, picks up both RJ and Eric, holding them in one arm each. Wilford runs hot, but compared to the heat of the sun and dirt Eric’s been sitting on, he’s a welcome chill. Eric lets his head loll against Wilford’s shoulder as the group is teleported away.

The moment in Wilford’s void sends a bout of nausea through Eric, one that manifests as a sharp pain in his empty stomach. He groans as the group appears in the clinic. It takes a moment for his head to stop swimming as Bim yells for Dr. Iplier.

“Doc, we found them!” he cries, “They’re hurt, especially CJ!”

Dr. Iplier comes running in and spares a moment to look at all three sick, weakened egos before zeroing in on CJ.

“Christ, Bim, I won’t mince words,” Dr. Iplier mutters as he pries open CJ’s eyes to shine a light into them, “CJ’s on death’s door. This head injury he’s got must be doing awful things to his brain. I need Green and I need to get CJ into surgery now.”

“What about the others?” Wilford asks over Bim’s wail.

“Just get them each into a bed,” Dr. Iplier says, already turning to rush to the operating room, motioning for Bim to follow. “Grab Google or Ollie to put them on IVs and examine them further; anything else can wait.”

Wilford obeys. As soon as Eric’s head hits the cool pillow of his clinic bed, he falls asleep.

~~~

When Eric wakes up, his mind is much clearer. He’s still in a clinic bed, but there’s IVs in his good arm and a cast on his broken one. His warped and broken prosthetics have been removed, too. Eric feels sore and achy and still very hungry, but his bed is comfortable, and he’s finally out of the sun. Now that he can think straight, he’s worried about the twins again.

Some of the worry dissipates when he looks to the side and sees RJ in his own bed, with his own IVs and bandages. RJ is already awake, and he grins to see Eric’s eyes on him.

“You okay, AJ?” he asks.

“Yeah, I think so,” Eric answers, “You too?”

“Yeah,” RJ replies. His face falls a little. “I don’t know about CJ, though. He’s not on my other side.”

Eric looks at his own other side, but no, CJ isn’t there either. His heart clenches with fear. He remembers how badly CJ was hurt and shudders.

Fortunately, that’s when Eric hears footsteps coming towards him and RJ. The pair look to see Dr. Iplier opening the door to their hospital room.

“Hey, you’re both awake,” Dr. Iplier says, smiling gently. “According to Wilford, you guys were asleep the moment he put you both down. You’ve been asleep for hours, how are you feeling?”

“Hungry,” RJ says.

“I can imagine,” Dr. Iplier replies, walking in to check on each ego’s IVs, “You’ve been missing for a few days. Wilford and Bim said they found you at the bottom of a ravine.”

“We fell,” Eric admits, “We had supplies, but they got crushed.”

“We tried drinking river water,” RJ adds, “But it, um, didn’t work out that well.”

“I can imagine that, too,” Dr. Iplier sighs, “But at least you’re both alive. And you should both heal up fine.”

“What about CJ?” RJ murmurs like he’s afraid to ask. Eric looks up at Dr. Iplier anxiously, waiting for a response. Fortunately, Dr. Iplier smiles again.

“He made it through surgery,” he says, “He’s in his own room. He was badly hurt, that head injury caused significant swelling in his brain. He’s still asleep, and I’ll be keeping him asleep for a day or two to make sure he heals well. I know that sounds scary,” he adds in response to the horrified looks on Eric and RJ’s faces, “But it’s necessary. And between you and me…” He leans down between them like he’s telling a secret, and Eric and RJ lean in to listen. “…His time looks good. I’m confident he’ll pull through. If he were a human...” Dr. Iplier shakes his head. “Well, if he were a human, he wouldn’t have been alive for me to perform brain surgery on in the first place. But if he’d lived that long, he’d be looking at a week or more in a coma, and even then, he’d have a lot of brain damage upon waking. But CJ’s a figment, so when he wakes up in a couple days, you can expect him to act like normal - though he might not remember a lot of the last few days.”

Eric and RJ look at each other. Eric figures they’re both thinking the same thing: It’s probably good that CJ won’t remember that harrowing experience. For his part, Eric hopes he’ll eventually be able to forget.

#markiplier #eric derekson #the jim twins #fanfic #my writing #kristin says stuff #whumptober2020 #poor bois ;w;

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justanother-unluckysoul · 4 years ago

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Working My Way Back To You 4/?

Killian gets captured. When Emma finally rescues him, he’s traumatized and nearly broken from the torture he endured. Angst and h/c galore as Emma helps him through it.

I tried to go easy on the whumpy side of it since it’s supposed to be for Comfortember, but it’s me so I probably failed lol

A slightly shorter chapter today, for the prompts “confession,” and “crying.”

This chapter did NOT want to be written and I'm still not 100% happy with how it turned out lol

But some of my favourite parts are coming up soon, and I am excited to share those with you. So just bear with me for this one!

Read this chapter on AO3

Working My Way Back To You

Chapter 4: Confession + Crying

Once he’s caught his breath and had some more water, Killian insists on using the bathroom and doesn’t seem to have thought it through very well, judging by how long it takes him to figure out he needs Emma’s assistance to do so. But in typical Killian fashion he quickly switches from awkward to inappropriately suggestive, and his dirty innuendoes have Emma blushing. How he can still get to her like that, she doesn’t know. But it’s good to see a bit of his normal swagger returning, although it’s still subdued. She even cleans his teeth for him and cracks jokes about how much more enjoyable he is with his mouth otherwise occupied. She knows full well that she’s set up the perfect opening for another innuendo but the fact that his mouth is otherwise occupied means he can do nothing more than wiggle his eyebrows and grin around the toothbrush. She laughs, and he laughs, and he almost misses the sink when he quickly spits out the minty foam, because he’s laughing too hard. Emma’s heart feels light and full.

“I must apologize for earlier, love,” Killian says once he’s sitting on the bed again.

He suddenly won’t meet her eyes and Emma misses the jovial Killian immediately. He raises his hand slightly in an aborted motion, and then he frowns at it in obvious annoyance. She wonders what he was wanting to do – maybe his nervous habit of scratching behind his ear. And Emma feels intensely sad for him, not being able to do even the simplest things for himself until his one hand heals.

“I woke from another dream to see a stranger leaning over me,” Killian explains, “I let fear get the better of me and I do believe my reaction frightened you, and those poor nurses, quite badly.” He cringes a little at the memory. “Not to mention my vile language.”

Emma almost laughs, still feeling slightly giddy from their previous antics, but she manages to contain it to a smile instead.

“I’m sure they’ve heard far worse than ‘bloody,’” she says.

Killian huffs out a soft breath as he smiles too, and his eyes meet hers for a second before looking down at his hand again.

“I’m afraid I was a bit more vulgar than that before you returned.”

Oh, that makes more sense. She’s heard some of Killian’s more explicit language before, when he’s gotten really worked up about something and let slip some rather creative curses under his breath. He always apologizes if he realizes Emma’s overheard him, not that she particularly minds it. There’s something almost hot about Killian’s muttered profanity. She quickly shakes herself from that train of thought – now isn’t really the time.

“Well, I’m sure they won’t hold it against you,” she says, “After what you’ve been through, I think you’re entitled to a bit of vulgarity every now and then.”

The smile drops from his face as Killian seems to think on that for a moment before he nods slowly.

“All the same, if you see them again, could you pass on my apologies?”

“Of course.”

David and Snow visit as promised, bringing some items from home as requested, along with a paper bag containing a home-cooked meal for Emma and a perfect cup of coffee. Killian rouses himself from his exhausted doze to give them a weak attempt of his usual smile.

“Feeling better?”

“Aye.” At Snow’s side eye he amends – “Getting there. You know, some real food wouldn’t hurt.”

A nurse had brought Killian his breakfast (which, according to Killian, couldn’t really be labelled as breakfast) shortly after the bathroom excursion and Killian had made no attempt to hide the fact that’s he wasn’t a fan of the hospital diet. It didn’t help his mood to have Emma spoon feeding him either.

“Sorry, mate, Emma said you’re on a bland diet for now,” David says, and Killian pouts adorably.

“’Bland’ is an understatement,” he mutters.

“I’ll talk to the doctor later and see about getting you something a bit more appetizing, alright?” Emma says with a smile.

With what little he’d eaten during his imprisonment, Killian’s stomach likely wouldn’t be able to handle much more than the hospital’s provided food. It didn’t stop him from complaining about it though. Emma feels guilty eating her comparatively delicious meal in front of Killian, but he assures her it’s fine. Snow and David don’t stay long, obviously noticing that Killian’s still tired, and moments after they leave, he’s asleep again.

***

Around midday, the doctor stops by to check on Killian. Killian endures the pokes and prods with barely a wince and plenty of banter, until the doctor gets to his hand. As soon as he starts to unwrap the bandage Emma can feel the change come over Killian, the stoic bravado giving way to that same fear as the day he’d been rescued. Sitting at his left side, Emma tries to meet Killian’s eyes but he’s staring intensely straight ahead, muscle rippling across his jawline as he breathes short and sharp through his nose.

“This won’t hurt, Captain,” the doctor assures him, “I’m just going to look, okay?”

“Okay,” Killian repeats tightly.

Emma curls her hand firmly around his left forearm. She’s not sure what to say, not sure if anything she says will even help. Her thumb rubs a gentle pattern over his skin. She doesn’t want to look at Killian’s broken hand any more than he seems to. But it’s not as bad as she’d feared. The swelling had decreased from the last time she saw it (thank God that his captors had removed his rings at some point, so they hadn’t caused more damage as Killian’s fingers swelled up), the stitches small and neat, tape binding his fingers together to hold them in place with a splint. Only his thumb had avoided injury. Killian swallows, his head pressing hard against the pillow. Emma tries again to make eye contact and fails.

“Everything looks good so far,” the doctor says, “I don’t think you need the bandage anymore.”

Killian’s breath catches. His body turns towards Emma slightly, his arm tugging against the doctor’s hold. The doctor releases his hand, and Killian tucks it protectively near his chest.

“The most important thing right now is rest,” the doctor advises.

“When can I get out of here?” Killian asks.

His casual tone belies the tension that’s radiating from his body.

“I’d like you to stay for at least a week, just to make sure the antibiotics do their job properly, and to give your body a little more nourishment. You’re healing well but you’ve been through a lot. It’s going to take some time to get your strength back.”

“Surely you don’t think you can keep me in this bed for a week.” Killian’s voice carries a hard edge of steel now.

Dangerous, and desperate. Emma thinks of a wounded animal caught in a trap. She shifts her hand to Killian’s shoulder and squeezes gently.

“No, of course not,” the doctor says, “You’re free to go for a walk whenever you feel up to it. There’s a nice garden outside, and some fresh air and sunshine will do you good.”

He glances at Emma.

“Just don’t let him push himself too hard.”

Killian’s almost vibrating.

“I can make my own decisions,” he says, his voice too loud in the small room, “And I don’t need to bloody stay here either, I’m not-”

Emma hears his teeth click as he bites down on whatever he was going to say.

“No, you’re not,” the doctor says, as if he knows what Killian was going to say (Emma can make a pretty good guess as well – an invalid. Crippled. Broken.), “but you have been through a traumatic event and you’ve got a pretty nasty injury here. You need time to heal and if you try to do too much, too soon it’s just going to end up making things worse for you in the long run. Do you understand that?”

Killian doesn’t answer, just keeps clenching his jaw and glaring at the doorway. Emma smiles at the doctor in what she hopes is a reassuring way. She gets the feeling it’s more like a grimace though.

“He’ll be okay,” she says, “I’ll look after him.”

The doctor doesn’t look convinced, but he nods anyway and turns to leave.

“My hand,” Killian says suddenly and his voice cracks on the second word, his demeanour no longer angry, “Will I ever… get full use of it again?”

“Oh, yes, I believe so. Sorry, I thought you knew. You’ll need physical therapy but yes, it should heal almost as good as before.”

“Almost as good?”

“Captain, I’m sure don’t need to remind you that there was a lot of damage done. Modern medicine is a marvellous thing but… we can only do so much.”

Emma can feel Killian starting to tremble. Thankfully, the doctor decides to give them some privacy now, because it seems the pirate is reaching the end of what he can endure.

“Alright, I’ll check in on you guys later, okay?”

The moment the door closes behind the doctor Killian makes a sound, a soft noise of suffering Emma can’t put a name to.

“Killian?” Emma says worriedly, “Are you okay?”

Killian barks out a mirthless laugh and raises his hand like he wants to scrub his gathering tears away, but of course he can’t, and he looks so hurt by that realization.

“No, I’m not bloody okay,” he says angrily, “They destroyed my damn hand. My only hand, Swan. They’ve crippled me.” He lets out a shaky breath. “Gods, they broke me.”

And there it is. Emma’s been almost expecting him to break down at some point, but now that it’s happening it shocks her all the same. She reaches for him and he folds into her arms, crying silently, tears quickly soaking into her shirt. There’s only so much a person can take and God, poor Killian’s been through it all. Emma feels her own tears burning hot as they slip from her closed eyes.

“They didn’t break you, Killian,” she says, emotion choking her, “Your hand is going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

He has his arms around her, a little awkwardly because he’s trying not to bump his hand on anything, his face pressed into her shoulder. Her hand cradles the back of his head, holding him close.

“I’m sorry, Emma,” he says, his voice cracking, “I’m so sorry, I tried…”

“No, it’s okay. Don’t apologize. Just let it out, Killian, I’ve got you.”

Killian mumbles something else but Emma can’t make it out. She just keeps murmuring assurances through her own tears and holding Killian until he’s able to calm down again. He’s clearly exhausted from his outburst and the subsequent breakdown, because within a few minutes of lying down again he’s drifted into a deep, surprisingly peaceful sleep.

To be continued...

#comfortember 2020 #cs ff #hurt/comfort #killian whump #captain swan #killian jones #emma swan #my fanfics

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auncyen · 3 years ago

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Ok so brainstorming for When the Cat Dragged In the Trickster

because I keep going back and forth on this

I want Ren to hit a low point during the Mementos trip but my indecisiveness on this is. driving me nuts

So Ren's expectations are pretty low already. He's not expecting to become a part of the team and he's expecting Morgana to lose interest in him and return to Ann. So either I have to raise his expectations and then either make him have a setback from there or have something happen that seems even worse.

Now the thing is the team IS trying to befriend him, or at least get along with him! So I HAVE wondered if I should just have things go smoothly enough and the team comes to understand Ren and all but like. Ren hitting the low point was my ENTIRE reason for making a second attempt at writing this story and I think it's going to leave some threads dangling if I don't do it.

So at one point The Low Point was going to be Ren working up the courage to try telling the others what really happened with his arrest and Makoto objecting mostly out of shock that her family has worked for would fail so badly--because in Ren's case it's not just an unfortunate mistake, it's deliberately obscuring details to obstruct justice. Ren would probably react badly because part of the reason he isn't comfortable telling the group is because it's a group--everyone else is already friends, if some of them don't believe him they're probably going to ALL agree not to believe him (in his mind). It doesn't necessarily have to be Makoto--she seems like the one who'd react the strongest, but really just anyone being doubtful would make him spiral a little.

He has to think they'd believe him in the first place, though, so things would have to go REALLY well up til that point for him to push down his doubts to tell them, since if he wasn't doubtful in the first place he would have told Morgana his side right off the bat and this fic would be shorter huh. gdit ren.

Another idea for the Low Point was playing with how Ren knows everyone thinks he has a temper and that he's a little worried that even if he does awaken (he has some doubt) something about it will be judged as "wrong" or "too violent" and he won't be accepted as a member--and may even face trouble in the real world, if he thinks Futaba would tell Sojiro she doesn't trust him. With this idea he comes close to awakening and either is stopped by one of the others or stops himself out of fear and immediately loses his outfit because he's stifling his own rebellion. In this case the low point is mostly him disappointing himself/coming to the conclusion that he can't be a Phantom Thief because he's so desperate for at least Morgana's approval, preferably the group's, that he can't truly rebel.

(Then the variant of this idea where Ren's not sure he even has a true self because why did people in his hometown doubt him so easily.)

After that I think it's mostly him getting into an argument with someone, and it going badly enough that it either goes the route of "Ren gets angry then afraid he's blown things with the group by being a human who doesn't have limitless patience" or "Ren thinks it'll have real world consequences" (most likely an argument with Futaba). If he had an argument with Futaba it'd be about Sojiro. He could have a misunderstanding with Ryuji but I think that'd be less "argument" and more "Ren tries to compare the two of them as a way of reaching out but since he hasn't explained why he ACTUALLY got arrested Ryuji doesn't like being compared with the guy who assaulted someone for nor reason and pushes back". Ren could really piss Ann off depending on what he says about Shiho........but I don't know why he would and outside of that idk if there's any reason to have an argument. And that's the thing too, Ren is trying to avoid arguments and he's supposed to be pretty good at guessing what people want. He's not supposed to be perfect about it, but when most of the group is trying to get along with him, the "Sojiro" argument seems most likely to actually be a full blown argument rather than just two seconds of rubbing each other wrong because of how literally close to home it is for both of them. But. Hm.

...And now I have to make a drive so I guess I'll think about this later.

#cat and trickster

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viviswtings · 4 years ago

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Two Years. (Pt. 2) (Not proof read)

So this is bad. Like, REALLY bad. U’m not even close to be okay with how this turned out. But I have to get out of my writer’s block one way or the other.

Hyunjin x f!reader.

Warnings: Badly written slow burn with a very non-satisfying ending.

Words: 1608.

Looking at him always felt like the first time. His expressive face in a cute but exaggerated expression, his hands moving as he tried to explain himself to the phone. She remembered him with his dark locks, when they had gotten that awkward mullet length he always complained about. His face had gotten less round, his features way more defined, his hands had gotten bigger. When he had asked her to teach him, she was so embarrassed, he was so damn good looking. But she had never expected him to end up this handsome. If she had known she would’ve ran away. Her heart had never been ready for the roller coaster a friendship with him would be. How he hugged her from behind, or the way he grabbed her arm and acted all cute around her.

His English was slow, his grammar rather proper and his accent made her knees weak. He had gotten way better in a very short time. He was determined to be able to communicate with his fans no matter what. She found it very cute, given the fact that he always seemed to be mocking everyone. His tone sounded so sweet now, she knew he was being serious about whatever he was saying. It was a good thing that she was sitting. Otherwise she’d be on the floor right at that moment. That’s probably how the people at the other end of the phone also felt.

He tilted his head and looked at her, inquisitiveness written all over his pretty features. She assumed he was asking her if what he just said was alright, so she just nodded, trying to pay attention at what she was supposed to be doing. She heard him laugh and she felt her whole face burn, so she lowered her head to do whatever she was doing before. What was she doing again?

She didn’t remember, and, as soon as he stopped laughing and payed attention the video again, she was back at staring: noticing every little detail that had changed ever since they met.

His hair had grown so long, it was a nice shade of blonde after they had fixed the bright yellow that naturally followed pastel pink. His profile, with his delicate nose and plump pink lips that he didn’t stop chewing on, was one of the most beautiful sights in her mind. She was drawing him mindlessly, when she was supposed to be doing homework. She guessed she could just pass it as one of the many live portraits she had been assigned to do in her free time. She couldn’t resist it when he had the audacity to look so absurdly breath-taking.

She was as far away from the phone’s view as possible, which meant that she was actually kind of facing him. She could see sweat drip from his hairline, the beads falling slowly until they got lost in his brow. He had taken his jacket off, throwing it out of frame over a chair, and rolled his sleeves up to his shoulder line. She didn’t really know when it happened, but he had bulked up again after getting rather skinny for a while. Maybe it was because Jeongin was exercising too.

His shoulders looked broader, defined, there were fine lines in his forearms from the shadows of the veins she doubted the camera could see like she was doing. As it could definitely not see how his track pants hugged his thighs. She shouldn’t be looking at him like that, it was creepy. But she could not help it. He caught her staring and said hi with his hand under the tripod. She jumped a little, realizing that he had caught her boldly staring, so her only option was to smile and wave back. Her heart was racing, calling her out for being such a moron.

If that had happened some months ago, she would most surely die of embarrassment. But they were sort of close now. She didn’t know how it happened. She was teaching him English after he asked her in the cutest way, and before she knew it, he was sprawled on her bed calling her name with diminutives or pet names, in that same tone he once had used, so she would take some “aesthetic pictures” of him. He was so full of shit for doing that to her poor heart. He was bound to end up killing her with that behaviour.

While she was lost in thought, in the memories of him that she cherished, he ended his live, turning off the phone and sliding his to get in front of her. He smiled, his smile gave her all kinds of feelings, as she had found soon enough. He had the ability to act all clingy and cutesy yet make it seem like he was in total control of the situation. While she tried to be put together and even then, everyone laughed at how messy she always ended up being. The guys she had grown to love took pride in calling her out for her “cuteness”. They were all just as full of shit as him.

That was a lie. He was the worst of them all.

His eyes, sharp as a knife, were looking at her like a puppy who was just finding out something, before he licked his lips and smiled again. Her heart was doing leaps and dancing the Macarena in her chest. She felt as if she could puke it at any second now. When he leaned back, out of her personal space, she released the breath she didn’t know was holding.

“You’re out of it today” Good point. He was right. But lately she was always out of it when he was around. It was getting painfully obvious how she felt about him, but it pained her too. So she couldn’t avoid it. “You okay?”

She nodded, shrugging at the same time. Trying to keep her cool, if she had any. “Just tired. University’s been trying to test my limits lately”. The answer seemed to suffice, for he just nodded and looked around him.

When had he gotten so handsome again? She had always found him cute; he had the face of an angel. His beauty was soft, warm even. So absolutely breath-taking, without it being too obvious. He didn’t stand out in a crowd- at least until he had dyed his hair and let it grow so long, he could put it up in a ponytail- but when you laid eyes on him, it was absolutely impossible to deny the beauty he held. Looking at him was easy, nearly hypnotising.

He ended up lying on the floor, his long limbs spread out like he was a starfish. She smiled softly, looking at the rising of his chest as he breathed. His t-shirt was sticking to his body, he always sweated so much. He needed tons and tons of setting powder from how oily his face always got whenever he did anything. But even sweaty as he was, he smelt so nice. She could tell apart his clothes without even really trying because his smell was so nice, yet particular.

“Maybe you should take a shower”. She kicked his feet with hers, and he kicked back softly, moving his foot until the sole of his shoe was against hers. “You stink”.

While he wailed, complaining about how mean she always was, she looked at their feet. He had really grown in the past year, hadn’t he. She could fit her shoed foot in his shoe without a problem. She never felt small in Korea, not compared to other girls at least, and definitely not if she compared herself to the other guys. They were tiny, making her feel sort of bad about everything regarding her size. But he was tall, his hands were the size of her face. He was prettier than her, but at least he made her feel kind of feminine… once in a while.

She wasn’t completely sure what had gotten over her, but she crawled until she was on top of him. Without looking him in the eye, as she knew she’d end up embarrassed and would back off, she plopped down on top of him, listening to his groan with a light-hearted laugh. So dramatic.

They both laughed for a moment, but it lasted mere seconds. Soon, the studio was silent. He was looking at the ceiling, while she looked at the wall. There was nothing to say, nothing to talk about. Silence was alright with both of them, it was way more comfortable than empty words anyway.

What would she say? She didn’t want him to push her away, to end up slipping between her fingers like she feared he one day would. He was a mystery to her; she never knew what was crossing his mind. She only knew that somethings he was alright with: hugs, cuddles, holding hands… all that he was up to. Not just with her, he was a very touchy person in general. Talking about how he felt? Not so much. He didn’t open up with words, relying on his eyes and face to say everything his mouth couldn’t. And she never dared pay enough attention, in case she found rejection deep withing them.

If only she knew that he had been looking at her ever since she started laughing with Felix in that makeup chair that day. That, while she didn’t even know his name, he had been always aware of her. But he was afraid. They both were.

Perhaps what they needed were another two years.

#hyunjin x reader #hyunjin imagine #stray kids imagine #stray kids #hwang hyunjin #skz #stray kids boyfriend

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lethimrunsonia · 4 years ago

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If You Were The Sun, I’d Look Until You Were All I Could See

Rating: Teen

Stan loves Richie, he has since they were kids, but it’s no use. Richie isn’t out, and worse, he loves Eddie. He’ll settle for finishing his college work alone in his room, thanks.

Also on ao3

----

Stan completed his math homework approximately thirty minutes ago, and he had just been doodling little faces on the back of the paper since then. Swirly smiles here, maybe straight hair there. He gave one face glasses, black-rimmed and heavy, covering most of the drawing’s features, and sighed. He needed to stop thinking about Richie, it was futile.

Richie might be some kind of gay, but if Stan had to guess he was so far into the closet he was friends with moth balls. And even if Richie did drag himself into the light, what would it matter for Stan? Richie was in love with Eddie, he always had been, he always would be. And who was Stan compared to Eddie?

Footsteps echoed down the hall and Stan braced himself for his RA to be snippy or rude to him, but it never came. There was just vibrating silence in his doorway. He put down his pen, mouth opening to tease Richie about how big and magnetic his presence was, but cut himself off when he caught sight of Richie’s face.

Richie was scared. He wasn’t looking at Stan, he was studying the floor with glassy eyes and clinging to the door with white knuckles.

Stan turned to face him, grimacing. “Rich?”

His voice must have snapped Richie into action, because he was flinging himself on Stan’s bed and talking a mile a minute. “Hey, Stanny boy. What’s up? The temperature, I’ll tell you what. Our school needs better air conditioning! At least--”

“Richie.” Stan’s voice wasn’t exasperated, it was worried. There was no joy in Richie’s words, he sounded so nervous that Stan was expecting a panic attack. “What’s wrong?”

Richie curled in on himself and didn’t answer for a few beats. All Stan could see of Richie’s face was some of his eyes. They were peeking over his arm at Stan, and Stan badly wanted Richie’s eyes to always be on him. He wanted to make Richie feel safe.

Figuring that Richie wasn’t going to answer, Stan moved from his desk chair and laid down next to him, tugging at his shirt so he would turn and face Stan. Richie responded, though he looked guilty as he wrapped around Stan’s middle.

Stan was a patient guy, so he waited while he pet through Richie’s black curls, trying to calm him. Whatever Richie was dying to say, it was pretty big to Richie. Stan could respect that.

“I like boys!” Richie exploded sometime later, and if Stan wasn’t so used to Richie’s exuberance he might have screamed in surprise at the outburst. Richie was hiding his face in Stan’s shoulder, thick glass pressing hard into Stan’s collarbone.

Stan hummed in understanding and continued to play with Richie’s hair. “That’s cool, Rich.” What else was he supposed to say? When Richie didn’t say anything back, he tried again. “Join the club, we can make matching jackets.”

The silence that was met with made Stan second guess saying that, but he didn’t have time to apologize because Richie was looking right at him, face wet and red.

“Oh, Richie, hey,” he whispered, using his shirt to wipe away his tears and help Richie clean off his glasses.

“I was so afraid and you made it so easy,” Richie admitted, slipping his glasses back onto his nose and blinking owlishly at Stan. After a minute he added, pointing at him accusingly, “you never told me!”

Stan snorted. “You never told me either?”

Richie huffed but gave Stan a small grin as he settled back onto Stan’s shoulder and put his arm back over Stan’s stomach. Stan’s heart was gonna race out of his chest. Richie was just gonna stay like this?

Richie was drawing small circles on Stan’s hip and he hoped that Richie didn’t look down because the attention was making him excited. How embarrassing, what if Richie thought he was gross? The crush that he’d hidden since childhood was going to be found out now, in college?

“Hey, Stan?”

Stan shook himself out of his circular thought patterns and looked over at Richie, surprised his face was so close. “Yeah, Rich?”

“What if...what if I liked someone?”

Stan gave him a rueful grin, trying to shove down the jealous heat in his belly. “We all know you like Eddie, dummy. That’s not news.”

Richie frowned, stopping his movements on Stan’s side and clutching Stan’s shirt instead. “I do like him, yeah, but I like someone else, too.”

Stan froze but let his eyes wander back to Richie’s. He looked earnest.

“What if I like you?”

Stan blinked at Richie, the color rising in his cheeks. “Don’t be stupid.”

Richie tugged Stan closer by his handful of shirt, looking livid. “I’m serious, Stan! I like you. A lot.”

Stan hated himself for it, but he wanted to believe Richie. Badly. “You aren’t fucking around with me, Rich?” Fuck, he sounded so vulnerable and small.

Richie’s eyes softened and all Stan knew was Richie Richie Richie. Richie was kissing him, and it wasn’t drunk and sloppy and it wasn’t during an argument with teeth and yelling. Richie was kissing him with soft lips and languid motions like he had all the time in the world. And he did. Stan would give him all his time, always.

Stan let out an embarrassingly needy noise and kissed Richie back, hands coming up and cupping Richie’s face. He thought Richie would tease him for his reaction but Richie whined back and kissed him a little deeper, licking at the line of his lips until he let Richie in. Richie was holding him against his chest, like he didn’t want Stan to go anywhere else. Like he didn’t want Stan to leave.

They pulled apart to breathe and Stan stared at Richie, eyes wide. Richie looked drunk on him, kept his gaze easily and didn’t wilt under Stan’s intensity.

“What if I more than like you?” Stan challenged, surprising himself with some bravery.

Richie’s answering smile was blinding, and Stan wanted to see what smile for the rest of his life. He was gonna make Richie smile like that every day if he could.

“Then, I’d have to say that I feel the same way.”

Stan shoved him, suddenly playful, because Richie was gonna make him say it. He wanted to say it. “I love you, Rich. I’ve loved you for so long.”

Richie’s lips were on his again, and he was being pressed back into his bed as Richie crawled on top of him. “I love you, Stan, baby, you have no idea.”

Baby. Fuck. “Richie, you’re gonna make me all--” he waved his hand around and squawked when Richie kissed his wrist. “Emotional!”

Richie chuckled and settled on top of him, petting his hair this time. “That’s okay, I’m pretty overloaded myself. We have time, baby.”

Stan was struck, again, with how much they’d grown up, with how sweet and annoying Richie was. Annoying because he knew what Stan needed to hear, annoying because Richie was looking at Stan like he was the sun.

Stan held onto Richie, and adored how Richie held him back. Solid, and stable. Stan had so many fears, and questions, but more than anything, Stan had so many hopes.

Richie was right, they had time.

#stozier #richie tozier #stanley uris #it fanfiction #it fandom #the losers club #it ch 1 #it ch 2 #it chapter two #it chapter one #eddie kaspbrak #kels speakeasy #the damn clown movie

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sanders-specs · 5 years ago

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Roman’s Playlist Analysis

A/N: So I wanted to take a crack at diving into Roman’s Playlist and analyzing it to the best of my abilities. how each song relates to Roman, his character, his part of Thomas. I thought about the story arc Thomas talked about and tried to put that together a little bit.

Now keep in mind this is just my interpretation of it. I could be completely wrong in my conclusions, and honestly I’m interested to know your thoughts if you disagree with me on anything.

I’m going to leave my basic tl;dr here because this is long as hell. I went into each song so it’s a long read. I’m also going to tag some people who seemed interested in this. I’d say if you were going to read any of the song analysis, to read the last three. they’re my favorite.

tag list: @viva-la-pluto @nonexistent-username @writingfeedsthedarkestones @such-as-we-are-made-such-we-be

Here’s the story of Roman’s playlist:

We start with some pretty obvious songs that show who Roman is. He’s a huge fan of Disney, gay, he loves Broadway and wants to be famous. He’s a hero, someone who will vanquish his foes and come out victorious! He has big dreams, and he’s determined to make them come true! He’s got high expectations, both for himself and for a future romantic partner. He’s confident, determined, sassy, and a huge diva.

Then we go a little deeper. He’s lonely, he’s desperate for love. He wants someone in his life. He wants to achieve his dreams so badly, but he has doubts. He’s unsure of himself. Both as a performer and as a lover. He’s unsure of his place among Thomas’s sides, if he’s important to them. He’s just really afraid, underneath it all. He’s so, so scared of possible failure, of letting Thomas down.

But he still wants to be the leader for the actors and singers and creators following him. He wants to show them that you can get back up again and take off after your dreams.

And then he decides that he wants to be the one to go after his dreams. really, truly, fully. He’s lonely, he’s scared of failure, but he doesn’t want to let that hold him back anymore.

Okay let’s start with the very first song on the playlist, A Gay Disney Prince.

So this one will be pretty obvious for everyone. Roman is a prince, Thomas is gay (ergo Roman is gay). Roman loves Disney. I would’ve been very confused if this song didn’t make it onto his playlist. I would’ve had to gotten through my social anxiety to ask them why. But they have it on there, so I don’t have to.

My interest lies in the fact that it’s the first song on there. Thomas said that while putting together to playlist, they were trying to make it like a story—a beginning, a climatic middle, and an end. So to start off with this song honestly makes a lot of sense to me.

Most kids walked through life but I sang and danced

… Everyone around me could see That Disney meant everything And as I grew up Disney did too

It starts with talking about Thomas (we’re going to talk mostly about Character Thomas, since in this context it feels a little weird to talk about Roman as if he wasn’t apart of a person) growing up loving music and Disney. So we’re starting from the beginning here, talking about when Thomas was younger. And as he grew up and his love of Disney did too, so did his realization of his sexuality. This song, as originally intended by (real) Thomas and Joan is that growing up as a gay man would have been a lot easier had Disney had that representation.

Disney don't shoot so straight You're in the musical scene --- A guy who likes guys who is still humanized in his Film! ---- Try the gay stuff, it's delicious! Please give us more than this bullshit Yeah, that's a bit screwy Makes me say Lefouey Put me in a film Gee, that would be swell --- Who is that prince I see? Very straight, unlike me

And then the stanza that really ties it all together: If only I'd had you in my early years I might have seemed less weird to my non-queer peers Who'd mature into parents, understanding and warm Knowing hetero-ever-after doesn't have to be the norm If they'd have seen

Someone like me

A gay Disney prince

Roman (C!Thomas) longs to have had that understanding as a child, to have that representation in the movies and songs and characters he loves so much. Roman is the side of hopes and dreams and romance. This one falls under the hope category, even though he is all grown up now, he still yearns to see a true gay Disney prince for that validation.

So we start simultaneously in Thomas’s childhood as well as him in the present. At least, the part that Roman cares the most about. Really who he wishes he could be.

Now onto the next song, Wonder Boy. Now, I know this is from a musical (appropriate), and one that I know next to nothing about, so I’m just going to go off the lyrics. Forgive me if I overlook something related to the plot of the show.

This song is one that highlights Roman’s need to be a hero.

High above the mucky-muck Castle made of clouds There sits Wonderboy Sitting oh so proudly

He wants to save the day! Concur the villain! Wonderboy is someone who sits above all and has all these powers to help him with this conquest!

The song goes on to talk about Wonderboy’s arch-nemisis, Nastyman, who has all these powers that make him on level with Wonderboy.

Now it's time for me to tell you about Young Nastyman Arch-rival and nemesis of Wonderboy With powers comparable to Wonderboy What powers you ask? I don't know how about the power of flight That do anything for ya? That's levitation, holmes How about the power to kill a yak From 200 yards away With mind-bullets That's telekinesis, Kyle How about the power To move you

Reminds ya a bit of Roman and Virgil huh? Roman is able to have a very big influence on Thomas. He literally holds Thomas’s hopes and dreams and everything he wants to do with his life. Virgil, on the other hand, can stop Thomas from achieving those dreams out of fear. He can be louder than Roman, get Thomas’s attention easier, make Thomas pay attention to him.

It’s interesting to me that in the song, Wonderboy and Nastyman end up joining forces in the end. It reminds me a little of Accepting Anxiety and Moving On, when Roman has to accept the fact that he has to work with Virgil in order for Thomas to be successful. He “joined forces” with the “villain” in order to be “victorious.” Well Wonderboy and Young Nastyman joined forces They formed a band the likes of which had never been seen And they called themselves Tenacious D That's right

Oh Take my hand Young Nastyman And we'll fly Bring out your broadsword There's the Hydra Slice his throat And grab his scrot' You take the high road I'll take the low

In the end, Roman learned that Virgil not only helps Thomas a lot, but works well with him in order for Thomas to create as well as he does. The “bring out your bradsword/there’s a Hydra/Slice his throat” part, to me, in the context of Roman, shows that he’s handing some of the control—and the glory—to Virgil. He’s letting Virgil help and working with him, like a team in a fantasy story learning to work together and finally finding how they work as a team.

And now…Disney Princess.

I love this song. It cracks me up. I think Thomas had it on one of his monthly playlists and that’s how I found it, but I love it so much. I’m so glad it’s on this playlist.

This song is chock full of satire. they take the ridiculous parts of the movies and put them in the song. And seeing as this comes after the Wonderboy song, you could honestly draw a comparison to The Dark Side of Disney which is really the first time Roman realizes he actually has something in common with Virgil, the supposed villain. It’s got the same kind of sarcasm that Virgil adopts in that video with the movies.

But there’s also a bit of wistfulness in it, because, yeah, the Disney princesses are the stars of Disney. The princes didn’t get a couple of cameos in the second Wreck-It-Ralph movie that Disney over-sold. As ridiculous as the situations the princesses went through at times, they do all have these amazing abilities and experiences.

If I were a Disney Princess I would have everything at my fingertips

---

And I wish I could be a Disney Princess So I could fight the Mongolian army

---

I could cry life saving tears I could resurrect dead men with my tears

Mulan, I wanna be you So that I could have a sassy dragon I want a sassy dragon

The song also makes it clear that they want all the good stuff that comes with being a Disney Princess. The attention, the powers, highfiving the ocean.

Also sassy dragon. We all want a sassy dragon in our lives.

I can see how Roman would hear this song and relate to it. Circling back to the first song, there’s no prince out there he can relate to, so he projects onto the heroines, the princesses. They always get the man, after all.

Then there’s this las verse, which I think is the most Roman out of the entire song.

I wanna be a Disney Princess And if I were I'd take no recess to spread the warmth and love It's the best way to live your life I'd be a handsome man's wife And we'd kiss, and we'd kiss, and we'd kiss it’s full of wistfulness and is really the only verse in the song that is more positive and not as sarcastic. Not only that, but it’s romantic as well. Replace wife with husband and you’ve got one of Roman’s biggest dreams: to find the [second] most handsomest prince in the world.

Broadway Here I Come!

From the brief research I did, this is a song from a musical TV series. I’m not going to go too much into it’s original context. And if you’re triggered by sensitive material, I suggest you don’t look it up either.

So in this song, it’s another pretty obvious Roman song. It talks about wanting to be on Broadway, to be famous, to be known, and how hard that success is. For any musical theater performer, Broadway is the ultimate goal. For someone like Roman, who does crave that success and fame, this song is almost like his cries of longing for it.

It shows how hard it is to make it. To be known and gain that success, and how even though some make it look easy, it’s actually very hard.

See I've been bravin' crazy weather Drownin' out my cries I pull myself together I'm focused on the prize

---

The people all are pointing I bet they'd never guess That the saint that they're anointing Is frightened of the mess But even though I fear it I'm playin' all my cards

It’s also got this hopefulness in it. Like the singer has no doubt that they’re going to make it. But there’s also some doubt. Will they still be the same person? Or will they change dramatically?

Will I remain the same, or will I change a little bit? Will I feel broken or totally complete? Will I retain my name when I'm the biggest, hugest hit? Or will I blend in with the rest of the street?

Roman, as much as he acts heroic and like he fears nothing, wants nothing more than to be known, be given the validation, to show off his talents. He knows he’s good, he knows he’s got what it takes, but it’s hard for him to get there. Maybe even to have the confidence to get there. People have to like him in order for him to have all that. They have to like his ideas, his talents. Without their validation, Thomas can’t succeed. Roman can’t succeed.

On to Hallelujah. No, not the amazing Jeff Buckly song (though this song is pretty amazing and catchy).

This one kinda ties in with the last one. It talks about wanting to be someone, wanting to be super star. And having people doubt that, even your own family. Also being inspired by other artist and the creations they make.

I heard it on the radio On my way back home That I'm gonna be someone I guess it was a song they wrote Saying don’t go slow 'Cause you're gonna be someone

--- Some days I don’t think my momma thinks I'm good enough to be a superstar But one day I will show her I'm a diamond in the rough, I'll be a superstar

It also throws that doubt in their faces. It kinda hints that their doubt only makes them want to succeed even more.

'Cause there's a crown Covered in glitter and gold I'm gonna wear it, whether you like it or not Yeah, there's a crown Covered in glitter and gold I’m gonna wear it, whether you like it or not And I’ll be singing Halle-halle-halle-halle-halle-hallelujah Halle-hallelujah Whether you like it or not

Also, no, I’m not going to ignore the ‘there’s a crown covered in glitter and gold’. Give Roman a glittery gold crown 2020.

But yeah, it really goes with the previous song. It matches the theme of Roman wanting to be famous, wanting Thomas to be famous and known. To wear that crown, no matter what anyone else says. No matter what they think, or how much they believe in him. It goes against the doubt in the last song, but don’t we all have those moments of doubt, then confidence, then doubt again? Our confidence can wavier and surge just as much as our anxiety.

Holding Out For A Hero. Ah, what a great song. Still should have been the Shrek 2 version because man could I have made some comparisons, but oh well.

So here we’ve taken a break from the dreams part and gone back to the hope and romance part. This song is pretty self-explanatory. The singer is looking for a partner who will be, well, their hero to come rescue them.

Now, I’m not sure if the intention for the inclusion of this song was that Roman would be that hero, if he is also waiting for that hero, or a bit of both. He is very save-the-damsel-in-distress type of prince archetype after all. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants a prince who matches his own heroic ideals and who would treat him the same. It also says a little something about his standards. He won’t let Thomas settle for just anyone. He’s got to be perfect (Roman’s standards of perfect, anyway).

Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? Where's the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and I turn, and I dream of what I need I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast And he's gotta be fresh from the fight I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon And he's gotta be larger than life Somewhere after midnight in my wildest fantasy Somewhere just beyond my reach, there's someone reaching back for me Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat It's gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet

Yes, I had to include the entire first part of the song. I honestly feel like it sums up Roman’s standards pretty well. He won’t settle for anything less than superman or Hercules himself.

On the other hand, it could be Roman’s standards for himself as well. He has to be that Superman, the savior of all those in trouble and be the dashing white knight. Just as he holds his talents up to high standards, he holds his entire self up to high standards (his…part of the personality?). His actions, his thoughts, his ideas. Everything has to be perfect. He has to be the hero to everyone around him.

If I Dare is so fucking beautiful. Sara Bareilles has such a pretty voice.

I love the message in it too. It’s such a strong “fuck off and watch me” song.

Which, you know, also goes with Roman. It ties in well with Hallelujah. It follows the same themes of people doubting the singer, and the singer basically saying “hold my purse” and going to prove their doubters wrong.

This song is basically saying, dare to hold yourself to higher standards than what others hold you to. Dare to do more than what you thought you could, because you really can surprise yourself.

Seriously just really listen to this song, it’s so empowering. I’m literally going to leave most of the lyrics, aside from the repeating ones. It’s so fucking great.

If I dare to ask it, then I dare it to be true If I dare to risk it, then I know that I'm willing to If I dare to want this, to want more than I have Then I dare to believe I'll have it in the end You climbed the mountain, sent pictures of the view And still can't believe when I started climbing, too You haven't heard that I'm not afraid to fall That I'm not deterred yet until I tell them all I am holding out for more than what I have now I'm holding out I don't want your pity, I won't use your little scraps I don't build my cities with what could get taken back I don't need permission to rise up when it hurts You don't have to listen, but you'll hear me Mark my words When the room gets dark, and I am quiet There's a voice that's soft, like someone's silhouette Saying, "Don't let me go yet" If I dare to ask it, then I dare it to be true (Believe me, I will be) If I dare to risk it, then I know that I'm willing to If I dare to want this, to want more than i have (Believe me, I will be) Then I dare to believe I'll have it in the end

If you can’t tell, I love this song.

It’s got such a confidence surge in it. It also goes with my last point in Holding Out for a Hero of Roman holding himself to high standards. Not only does he want to be a hero to others, and he’s not going to settle for any less, he’s not going to let anyone stop him. He’s not going to let the doubt, the fear, of others influence him. He’s going to take their pity and doubt and use it to make him stronger. He’s going to hold himself to these standards and take his own fate into his hands and be like Merida (no not go on a psychedelic trip with a bear, but good memory). He is going to be the gay Disney prince he needed so much for himself.

Go the Distance continues the “I’ll do what I want” theme. And I don’t mean that in an angsty teen kinda way. Just in a “You can’t strike down my confidence” kind of way.

Now, the tone of this song, while heroic and hopeful, is also a little softer than the others, so it kinda feels like it doesn’t fit, but the lyrics and meaning of it does.

Hercules is probably the closest Disney has to a Disney Prince being the main character of the movie (having the movie named after him, going into his backstory first, all that jazz). At least off the top of my head. He at the very least is the closest to having a hero song akin to Let it Go, Almost there, How Far I’ll Go, Show Yourself etc. (yes, Elsa’s on there twice. Yes, I know she’s not technically a princess, but she also has some pretty badass songs in what is technically considered Disney Princess movies).

And, I mean, it’s an incredibly hopeful song. Hercules is going out to prove himself, to show that he can be the hero he was born to be. I can see how that is something Roman would look to. How he can relate to.

It also goes along with the idea of wanting to be known and seen. Recognized for what you do.

I have often dreamed of a far-off place Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face

The song is also about finding your place, where you feel like you should be. About keeping up hope as you go through the paths to where you need to be. Where that “hero’s welcome” will be waiting. Hercules feels like an outsider, like he doesn’t belong, so he’s searching for that place.

I'll be there someday, I can go the distance I will find my way, if I can be strong I know every mile, will be worth my while When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong

We all feel like that sometimes. Like we’re trying to find our place in the world. In the context of Roman, he’s in the middle of searching for that place. He wants Thomas to be in a place where he feels like he belongs, where he feels welcomed and embraced. In the theater world, maybe. Or YouTube. Maybe even Hollywood. Somewhere he can flourish, really show what he’s capable of, what Roman knows he’s capable of. But also where he doesn’t have to hide who he is, be it a different part of his talents or his sexuality. Roman wants Thomas to be in a place where people will embrace all of Roman.

And he’s going to find it. He’s going to do what it takes to get there.

Flamboyant is a fun one. This one delves into who Roman is, the kind of character that he is, rather than what he encompasses in Thomas. At least, that’s the way I see it. I’m sure if roman were the only side there, then, well, Thomas would just be Roman.

Looking at the lyrics and thinking back on the previous songs, this one makes me think that even though Roman wants (needs) people to like him, he also wants to be unapologetically himself. Extravagance and all.

Don't tell me what to do Don't tell me what to say You know I like it loud 'Cause that's the only way No taste for subtlety And no time for restraint No, I go all the way

I think we can all agree that this pretty much sums up Roman and the energy he gives off. We saw him in Virgil’s room. In Patton’s. Subtly is not something he’s very good at and he’s not very good with taking other people’s opinions (or suggestions) when it comes to his ideas or his work.

You always see me putting on a show I entertain until it's time to go

He’s always playing up the prince role. The actor role. He doesn’t tone it down. The fancy phrases, the exaggerated movement, the way he dresses.

At least until he thinks no one’s looking.

Alllllright now we’re getting into the love songs. Or…lust songs? Is that a category?

Okay, look, I’m ace, sex repulsed, and clueless at times. I’ll do my best here. But looking at the next few songs, it’s not a very happy story.

Jumpstarted is a song that I honestly can’t really pin down what it’s about. It’s catchy, for sure. I love the harmonies in it. But I can’t tell if it’s a love song or has a different meaning that I’m not going to delve into.

But in Roman’s case, it seems like a song that screams love. Roman is a part of Thomas that falls in love easily. He’s romance, after all (and, yes, lust. Remus too). So this song shows how easily he falls, and how easily those fantasies of romance can take hold.

As two hearts started dancing A new story begins

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To the races, got my love jumpstarted The only one I want is you (Say it again, hey!) I hear the bells, and they're ringing already Four kids and a big ol' wedding, singing "You" (Say it again, hey!) Now as I make the long walk home You got me feeling like an overdose, singing (You)

Thomas is a romantic. Roman is proof enough of that. In Moving On, he’s coming up with all these wild ideas to get Thomas’s ex back. In other videos when they talk about love, he always expresses the most wistful reaction (or overdramatic. Or, well, both). Thomas sees one cute guy and Roman is already planning the next five years of their lives together. Not only does he want the romance, he craves it, so the tiny semblance of it has him running headlong into it.

And your gravity, my depravity won't take my advice (So nice) I never run while I still (Can)

Brave New Girl makes me think that this shows a wilder side of Roman. I suppose if there’s any side of Thomas who likes to part, it’d be Roman.

Also reckless.

Brave New Girl is a song that seems like it’s about someone who is new to the world, maybe a little naïve, but still out to have a good time. It’s reminiscent of your classic collage story. A freshman girl away from home for the first time and embracing the “collage life.” Parties, hook ups, your stereotypical definition of having fun (in the case of collage movies and such).

She wants a good time, no need to rewind She needs to really, really find what she wants She lands on both feet, won't take a back seat There's a brave new girl, and she's coming out tonight

Roman out of everyone else is the side that would really push Thomas to just let go, have fun. Maybe if Thomas wasn’t so introverted, he would be able to meet the love of his life. Maybe if Thomas didn’t hold himself back (or I suppose if Logan and Virgil didn’t hold him back) then they could have more fun and accomplish his dreams. And meet the love of his life!

This could also be reminiscent of Thomas’s coming out? It’s not something I want to try to “analyze” because that’s something personal to Thomas and also not something I’m too familiar with. I don’t really want to step on any toes. But with the song talking about a new person entering the world, and “uncovering [their] eyes” I thought to mention it here. After all, it would be after that that Roman really would get the chance to be fully himself.

Every Boy is very self explanatory. It’s just Roman being gay.

‘I just wanna kiss every boy in the world’ is repeated so many times, ya’ll. Like at this point you’ve probably listened to it, but that one phrase takes up most of the song.

It’s very much showing Thomas’s sexuality, because again, that’s a big part of Roman since he encompasses romance and sexuality.

It also shows a lot of wistfulness, because Thomas is single and doesn’t have a boy to kiss. Even the tone in the song kinda reflects that. He’s lonely he just wants to kiss a boy. All the boys. In the world.

But yeah Thomas really likes boys. Roman really really likes boys.

Okay now we’re just to the point of Roman being sassy.

Primadonna definition: a very temperamental person with an inflated view of their own talent or importance.

Sound like someone we know?

The song, Primadonna, really just reminds me again of Roman and how he acts and presents himself.

Living life like I'm in a play In the limelight I want to stay I know I've got a big ego I really don't know why it's such a big deal though

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All I ever wanted was the world I can't help that I need it all The primadonna life, the rise and fall You say that I'm kinda difficult But it's always someone else's fault

The song also goes back to the whole Roman doing what he can to achieve his dreams, in a way. He is going to do what he can to get what he wants, but he doesn’t want to change who he is in order to get there. These last few songs really show that too, I think. The first songs, while showing longing for his hopes and dreams, these are showing that Roman honestly isn’t afraid to be himself. He’s out and proud, he’s got an ego (he is an ego), he’s sassy, extravagant, maybe a bit high matinance, and he doesn’t want to or plan to change for anyone.

Though…

King kinda has an exception.

Remember how I said Roman falls in love easily?

Yeah, this song kinda shows how that can go wrong. He clings to his loves, we’ve seen it. His refusal to let go of Thomas’s ex really shows that. Of course, there are lot of layers to that, but Roman was just as guilty about making Thomas (Patton) hold on to the hope of winning him back.

And, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh I was a king under your control And, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh I wanna feel like you've let me go

Maybe in this case it means that Roman (Thomas) felt that perhaps his ex did have some semblance of control over him still. He must have, if Thomas was still thinking about him.

I don’t want to reach too far with this comparison. Thomas left the details of his ex pretty vague. But still, it’s the only reason I can think of that this song would be on the playlist. Or the fact that Roman, while very forward and dramatic, can fall under the gaze of a pretty guy.

Cheap Queen is a song I had to look into a bit to understand it. Cheap queen is “a drag term for someone who is resourceful, who makes something out of nothing, who is a creator on a budget” (this is coming from the singer). While Roman isn’t a drag queen, he would take inspiration from them, and that definition can describe the kind of creator Roman is.

But there are some lyrics here that put in the context of Roman make me think that it shows more of his doubts.

I've been alright I've just been doing the same shit I've always liked (Smiling for the audience) Like smoking and movies and homies who bring me wine I've been going out too much (Queen) And talking 'bout myself too much (Oh, smiling for the audience)

Side thought: This song feels very…1920’s actress smoking in a green room vibes.

Why? I have no idea. Maybe it’s the background audio.

But it makes me think about this diva in a swing dress, a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

Yeah, I watch too much TV.

I can be good sometimes I'm a cheap queen I can be what you like And I can be bad sometimes I'm a real queen I can make grown men cry

Something about this verse makes me think that it’s a bit of Roman trying to prove himself? To himself, to the others, to his audience. While still trying to keep up his persona. Again, he wants people to like him, to like what he does. He is Thomas’s ego after all. He wants to please the masses.

Humility is where we get real.

So far, I think we’ve gone from who Roman is on the surface and slowly dug down. We’ve seen his insecurities, his hopes, his dreams, his more sexy side, his desperate side.

Now we’re seeing the lonely side.

Calling the world from isolation 'Cause right now, that's the ball where we be chained

---

I'm the lonely twin, the left hand Reset myself and get back on track I don't want this isolation See the state I'm in now?

Now I this verse isn’t intentionally targeting towards Roman, complete with the twin part, then I don’t know why it would be on this playlist. He feels isolated. Romantically, socially. Perhaps even among the sides. Look at the point where we are right now in the series. He had to give up on a huge dream with the callback. He’s being put on the back burner, Remus—the side he said is everything he doesn’t want to be—is now known to Thomas which means he has to deal with him even more.

If I pick it up when I know that it's broken Do I put it back? Or do I head out onto the lonesome trail And let you down?

I think he’s scared of letting Thomas down. Of not reaching the goals he sets out for them, of Logan being right. That the path Thomas is on is not one that is right for him. So he’s alone and scared and doubting himself and doing everything he can not to show it

Following that, Ain’t Got it Like That shows a bit of self-understanding, if I phrased that right?

Roman knows that he’s the only one of the sides who really wants these hopes and dreams for Thomas. Patton wants Thomas to be happy, so sure he supports Roman, but if Thomas were to listen to Logan or Deceit (and suppress Roman, his true hopes and dreams), then he would support them too.

One in a million, maybe it's me The chances of winning are slimmer than three Moving and shaking and makin' it happen Producing and singing while people was trappin' Chasing a dream and living for free A whole lotta people help the hell out of me A job ain't the move, I'm just a musician I followed the path, continued the mission

Roman’s going to continue being himself, doing his job, and trying to make himself heard. Even if he’s lonely and has self-confidence issues. He’s nothing if not determined. And as the song says, “a whole lotta people help the hell out of me.”

One thing Thomas has is friends and family who support and encourage him. They help to feed into what Roman wants and helps to give him the reassurance that he needs that he’s on the right path.

I got soul and a whole lotta songs I get love even if I'm dead wrong And I know that I got what I need Even when I don't got what I want

Roman is convinced he’s right. Look at how hard he fought Logan during their episode. He knows he can be wrong, he knows he’s not perfect, but he also knows that when it comes to the path Thomas is on, he is right and he is at least confidant in that fact.

Look I've thinking that I'm at the limit The fact I need money with all my decisions I want it all and all, I'll admit it If you never had it, I know that you get it They say that everything ain't gold, but damn I mean, I... wanna little of my own I'm sayin' that I know that (I know that) They say that pressure makes diamonds But I just wanna pay my bills on time

I feel like this song really shows that he understands that being a singer and performer is hard and definitely not the easy way out. The is really the only song here that talks about money. It’s hard to make it as a performer. YouTuber, actor, you name it. Roman knows this, but that doesn’t stop him from dreaming and being determined to go after those dreams.

God I love these last three songs

Do you guys have those set of songs that are like your inspirational songs? Ones that really make you feel good and the lyrics really speak to you and make you want to really go after what you want? Songs of hope. They sometimes make you cry if you think about the lyrics too much.

I feel like those are these songs for Roman. Or maybe I’m just projecting.

Dreamer is another song where I might just have all the lyrics here, because the entire song just feels like Roman talking to himself. Reminding himself of all these things.

Dream, little dreamer Don't care what they say Don't let the pain of their failure Tear you away

The other Sides. Logan, mainly. The naysayers on YouTube, the old friends who don’t believe in him. The people around him who fail at what he’s trying to do. He can’t let that get to him. He can’t let them get into his head. He has to keep going.

You can do anything What would you do if I told you You would always succeed

He has to remember that he can do anything. Thomas is capable of anything.

And well we're afraid of the same things Scared to end up alone Scared that no one will remember our names And well we're afraid of the same things Scared to try and to fail Scared our best isn't good enough

This really circles back to some of the middle songs. He wants to be remembered, known. He’s afraid he’s going to fail. That Thomas will not only not achieve his dreams, but that he will be alone through it all. Not even a shoulder to cry on. He scared of that failure. Scared of letting Thomas down. And through that…Thomas is scared of letting himself down.

Dream like you won't fail Sing like no one's there Dance like you don't care

And I mean you really have to. If you think too much about that failure, that fear, then it can hinder you. You have to move through life like you’re going to achieve your dreams, that no one can hold you back, not even yourself.

Even if you are scared. Even if you do really, really care.

Don't fear, little dreamer You'll get there one day And I know that it's scary But you'll succeed

Don't fear, little dreamer Let them hear you sing What would you do if I told you That we'll always believe

He has to remind himself of all of this. This support, this encouragement, is something every creator needs. It’s the fuel that keeps us going. So having this, in just a song, is so important for him.

And we all Oh we question the same things Why does life seem unfair Why does loneliness hurt so much

This part really highlights Roman’s feelings. Again, he’s lonely in this. He feels like life is unfair, that a wedding is getting it the way of achieving a dream he’s so close to.

And we all Oh we question the same things What is my purpose in life Why does love never seem like enough

I don’t really have too much to add to this one. I feel like it’s something that stands by itself. I can really see how Roman feels this way, asking himself these same questions.

---

You're exceptional You're original So stay true to your soul Don't let them take that away You're magnificent You're sensational And the dreams that you're dreaming will surely come true one day

More reminders that he needs to tell himself. That he needs to remember. He can’t let the doubters hold him back from his dreams. He can’t let the setbacks stop him.

I can imagine Roman having this song on when he’s feeling down. When the weight of all his failures and his loneliness feel like too much. I can picture him hanging on to every lyric, learning them and memorizing them so call on later when he starts to feel those doubts again.

Dream, little dreamer

This next song makes me cry.

Paving the Runway (You’re Gonna Fly) is so fucking good. It’s so pretty. The piano is gorgeous, the message is beautiful, it’s so soft. I love it a lot.

Okay, anyway.

This is another one that is there for encouragement. A reminder not to give up. Not even when your wings are broken and battered.

Go after your dreams, as crazy as they may seem Go chase all the stars in the sky Baby, I'll be paving the runway 'Cause I know that one day you're gonna fly Darling, stand on my shoulders Up where it's carefree, simple and good Baby, soon you'll be older You will reach higher than I ever could If ever your wings, are tired and broken things Can't see through the tears in your eyes Baby, I'll be paving the runway 'Cause I know that one day you're gonna fly

I can see Roman being tired. His job is not an easy one. He wants so much for himself, for Thomas, but it’s so hard. The rejections, the mistakes, the hardwork going into a project only for it to not do well. It’s enough to beat you down, flood you with doubts.

Think about the songs leading up to this. Growing up without seeing yourself in your favorite movies, trying so hard to work towards his dreams of singing and acting. Trying so hard to find love, only for it to be just as hard. being in this lonely place where he feels like he’s working by himself, not even the other sides really helping him (Patton being an exception at times, but even then, when it came to wedding vs callback, Patton went with wedding).

This is a song I think Roman would really need after all of that.

Another thing I like to think about with this, though, is that Roman is the one singing it to others. He’s been there, he knows what it’s like. He’s got bandaged wings that are still strong. He wants to be able to pave the runway for those coming after him. He wants to be a beacon of light for actors and singers and creators who were once or still are in his position, taking their hand, and helping them up, getting them running, and watching them fly towards their own dreams.

Maybe it’s a mixture of both. Maybe he’s not going to be the first gay Disney prince, but he can sure as hell make way for him, wherever he may be, while still going after his own dreams.

Now, imagine:

Roman is watching these other creators, all flying off towards their dreams. he take a deep breath and starts running himself.

GO is the song that plays as he takes off with his own bandaged and tattered wings.

Why are you waiting for Another open door You've seen it all before GO Exit stage left Lay your act to rest Don't second guess GO Do Do Do Do Do Do, Do Do

The fear within Has held you hostage Break free and live

Roman has been doubting himself. He’s been scared and lonely and not sure if what he’s doing, what he wants, is right.

He wants to think it is. No, he knows it is. So why is he holding himself back? He needs to just go, to do it.

I like that this song leaves it off with an ending, but not one that just ends, if that makes sense. Roman is off, going after his dreams. he picked himself back up and he’s off. What is he going to do next? Where is his next destination? Well, we’ll just have to wait and see.

#roman sanders #sanders sides #long post #roman's playlist analysis #remus sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #thomas sanders

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