#the god guy shows up and cut to of course a sex scene and bing bang boom out pops fareeha

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

so get this. I was gonna roll around in Tombstone related fluff today - but no, no - this post came across my dash so Now We Are Gonna Discuss the Carnal Consumption of Meat as it appears on That Show Supernatural.  YEAH BUDDIES!

(also my sincere apologies to OP of the inspiration post who innocently tagged it with “lunch date!”  because I am about to go Elsewhere, cursedly).

Let’s all go meat man, after the cut!

This analysis centers primarily on 5x14 Bloody Valentine.  The title of course is a semi-homage to a 3D Slasher Film Jensen starred in circa 2009. 

Which I will be renting soon I guess.  ,[<- parasocial panda GET BACK IN YOUR ENCLOSURE]

Also Its Really Fun that the trailer for Said Cinema ends with “nothing says date movie like a 3-D ride to hell” [are you also thinking of Cas pulling Dean out of hell, or are you normal?]  ***unironically the teaser for 5x14 is -

EXT. SIDEWALK - IN FRONT OF ALICE'S APARTMENT BUILDING

RUSSEL 

First date.

They then eat each other.  Literally they eat each others flesh.  They also do it while dirty talking about it.  SPN IS A SHOW 

ALICE Ugh! I've been so alone. So empty...

RUSSEL I know. Me too.

ALICE I want you, Russel---All of you... inside me...

[they both take bites out of each other, Alice chewing on a piece of Russel's flesh]

****Remember this detail, as it is important.

ANYWAY, it’s truly Cursed that not only are we doing an homage to this 3-D Jensen Horror Date Flick but also this episode is specifically centered on Valentine’s Day.  The day honoring romance and love Now Coopted by Hallmark, everyone, that is the day spn writers chose to introduce us to 

Sir Horseman of THE Biblical Apocalypse Famine. 

Canonically, we are aware that the show is drawing from the book of Revelations in its depiction of the Four Horsemen.  Here’s what it says about Famine -

"When He broke the third seal, I heard the third living creature saying, "Come." I looked, and behold, a black horse; and he who sat on it had a pair of scales in his hand.”

-Revelations 6:5

Famine holds scales (used to weigh out grain in times of food scarcity).  Spn’s depiction is represented as hunger, a bottomless pit of need.  It consumes souls (demon and human alike).  

Cas describes Famine a little more poetically:

CASTIEL 

"And then will come Famine riding on a black steed. He will ride into the land of plenty... "

"... and great will be the Horseman's hunger, for he is hunger. "

"His hunger will seep out and poison the air. "

***Consider a prior season in which we are introduced to the Seven Deadly Sins.  Which are the sins associated with hunger?

Gluttony

and Lust.

***this is also important

Back to the episode.  Case cold open, and we find out that Alice was a Nice Girl.  In that she didnt drink, smoke or

have premarital sex.

***So Alice’s hunger for the sin of Lust caused her to succumb to it; and her demise was presented as Gluttony (literally eating her partner’s flesh). HMM

Famine’s presence is affecting the town, and Cas is not immune.

DEAN 

And when did you start eating?

CASTIEL 

Exactly. My hunger-- it's a clue, actually.

***They lay it out a little more in case you missed it ->

SAM 

I thought famine meant starvation, like as in, you know, food.

CASTIEL 

Yes. Absolutely. But not just food. I mean, everyone seems to be starving for something--Sex, attention, drugs, love...

***this is so important.  but of course because its spn and our textual narrators are generally unreliable (even in a Ben Edlund episode, yes I know)

we get a red herring

CASTIEL 

Right. The cherub made them crave love, and then Famine came, and made them rabid for it.

***but that’s not accurate.  they didn’t get married or become obsessed with each other (remember the cursed coin in 4x08 Wishful Thinking and the unconditional love wish? not what happened here). they had premarital sex.  they did the thing Alice considers wrong, and dark, and sinful.  and then they ate each others’ flesh.

DEAN 

Okay, but what about you? I mean, since when do angels secretly hunger for White Castle?

CASTIEL 

It's my vessel-- Jimmy. His, uh, appetite for red meat has been touched by Famine's effect

***mad lad Jimmy Novak’s hunger is for...red meat?  He is starving for red meat?  You are telling me that the Novaks, red blooded conservative religious midwestern Novaks, ate RED MEAT SO SPARINGLY that Jimmy Novak was LITERALLY starving for it?!?!  No way.  Absolutely no way.  This is a man who was such a religious zealot he STUCK HIS HAND IN BOILING WATER and accepted an angel of the lord into his own body but his secret hunger was for fucking ground beef?

give me a damn break.

to me this is an absolute coverup.  Because Cas’s burger consumption is not related one iota to his vessel Jimmy Novak.

it is a representation of Cas falling.  Cas’s cravings for meat represent his growing (and very much prohibited) feelings for...humanity (Dean Winchester), and they are presenting as Gluttony in the form of his downing more and more copious amounts of red meat.  

SERIOUSLY, consider this - at one point the depiction is so desperately carnal that he is eating raw ground beef with his bare hands. It is fucking uncomfortable.  and it is SUPPOSED to be.  Famine stirs up hunger for the prohibited.  For the sinful. That which we are starving for but do not believe we can ever have, so we lust and we lust and we LUST after it, but should we allow ourselves even just a taste of what we have been ravenously craving, we binge it until we ourselves disappear into the oblivion of our own sinful, dark desires.

Since You Want More Examples of why this cant possibly be hunger for Cheeseburgers and Cheeseburgers alone, Consider Famine’s effect on Dean.  Remember his doctor kink?

**when its revealed that Doctor Corman has succumbed to Famine’s poison by drinking himself to death, Dean - very uncharacteristically by the way - reacts by saying out loud

DEAN Thanks. Crap! I really kind of liked this guy.

***please note that Doctor Corman says the following to Dean in the prior scene they have together -

DR. CORMAN [to Dean]

Agent Marley, you just can't stay away.

****was that a flirtation?

***Also, Dean doesn’t want to go out and chase tail for Valentines Day.   

SAM

I mean, what do you always call it-- Uh, unattached drifter Christmas?

DEAN 

Oh, yeah. Well... be that as it may...I don't know. Guess I'm not feeling it this year.

SAM 

So you're not into bars full of lonely women?

DEAN 

Nah, I guess not. [takes a sip of his beer] Ahh. What?

SAM 

That's when a dog doesn't eat-- That's when you know something's really wrong.

***oh look we are relating things to eating again.  sex/lust to gluttony.  hmmm hmmm hmmm

ANYHOW -  *takes deep breath*

 this is also the Episode Where This Scene Lives

****JACKTING JOICES

oh and speaking of jacting joices, this is also the Dean Notices Cupids Crotch Episode.

frAckles, I am once again asking why you only permit celestial beings to hug you from behi-[gunshots]

but Dean isn’t hungry.  Why? Famine has the explanation, and we get it after Dean immediately runs inside after Cas heads in to complete his portion of their plan barely giving him any time to do so because he misses him that much.

FAMINE 

I disagree. [Famine moves closer to Dean and touches him] Yes. I see. That's one deep, dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can't fill it, can you? Not with food or drink. Not even with sex.

DEAN 

Oh, you're so full of crap.

FAMINE 

Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me! 

***not Dean making all of those homophobic/homoerotic jokes every time he’s in danger or feeing uncomfortable; not that, that can’t possibly be what Famine is referencing, right?

I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. 

***not THIS parallel:

AMARA:

You're a mystery. I can see inside your heart. Feel the love you feel, except… It's cloaked in shame

You can't win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just... keep going through the motions. 

***not the motions of performative heterosexuality!!

***Dean’s not hungry because in his heart he truly believes that he can’t actually have what he hungers for.  That Thing Which This Episode Overtly but Also Very Clearly Made Obvious.  It’s an angel riding shotgun [I did Do That and I am Not Sorry], eating a burger in the front seat of the impala.  But, I’ve deviated from the meat of this essay [gunshots] [this time just for the bad joke].

BONUS

there’s Exists another episode in which a man ravenously consumes red meat; eventually succumbing to eating raw beef with his bare hands in the season prior to this one.  

Yes Supernatural the Show That Brought Us Not One But Two Scenes of Persons Carnally Consuming Red Meat With Their Bare Hands.  

This episode is a MOTW - the man in question is a rougaru - a monster that starts out as human but due to some specific genetic disorder (hmmm hmmm hmm crack in THE chassis hmmm hmmm) soon begins to be extremely hungry - “for everything, but eventually long pig.” AKA human flesh. 

Wanna know the kicker?  

Episode’s called Metamorphosis.

(GIF by jackttwist)

I’ll see myself out.

[DOUBLE BONUS for extra credit:

if you really wanna wild out, go watch the scene of Jack the rougaru looking at himself in the mirror in 4x04 - and then meander on over to 7x01 and check out God!stiel looking in the mirror as the leviathans writhe inside him over there. It’s worth the walk.]

***oh and @lilac-void​ im tagging you in this one because in exchange for your KIND creator content nomination I guess I will respond by cursing you with an Honorary tag in this, a Meat Meta.  you’re welcome slash I'm sorry XO [but seriously thank you again for your kindness and appreciation; it really motivated me to sit down and get moving on making more content <3]

[outer-bnks]

Two Burning Hearts Are Dared to Break (JJ x OC) Ch. 14

Chapters: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13

JJ catches Elle and Topper in a compromising position, eliciting a fight in which some truths are exposed.

Warning: brief mention of alcohol, smoking. hella angst

Word count: 1.5k

“JJ! Wait!”, she followed him out to the side entrance of the garden that was thankfully empty, watching as he made his way over to a catering truck that stood in the carpark attached to the club.

“For what Elle?! What I just saw doesn’t need explaining!”, he huffed, as he continued walking away from her.

“What are you even doing here?”, she questioned, unaware that he was going to be attending the party. Noticing his navy shirt and slacks, she realised that he was working one of his multiple jobs in order to earn enough to pay off his restitution. He opened the back doors of the truck, beginning to unload them.

“What does it look like? I just thought I’d swing by for shits and giggles”, he sarcastically answered, his arms out wide, looking around at the crates around his feet. 

“Well you could’ve told me that you were coming!”, she exclaimed.

JJ scoffed, “What difference would it have made, you looked like you were having a pretty good time in the laundry room!”. The fuzzy feeling that she was experiencing with Topper had definitely dissipated, leaving the all too familiar sinking sensation in her stomach.

“It would have made a lot of difference JJ!”. For starters, she might not have agreed to be Topper’s date in front of the boy she actually had feelings for.

Rolling his eyes, he turned away from her again, continuing to work, “I don’t even care, it's just that I didn’t think you’d move on so fast”, he shrugged, trying to make his disinterest believable by adopting an apathetic tone of voice.

Elle’s eyebrows furrowed, confused by his choice of words, “What? Move on?”. As far as she was concerned, they had nothing to move on from, he had made that very clear as of recently.

“John B’s only been gone for 2 weeks, you know I just wouldn’t have thought that you’re the type to just-”.

Elle cut him off, utterly bewildered by what he was implying, “Wait wait wait. John B?”. 

“Yes John B, Elle! It’s so obvious that you’re into him”.

It was her turn to scoff, “Are you out of your mind? I do not have a thing for John B! I never have!”. He thought she was into John B? Maybe she’d thought she had a crush on him when she first moved to the OBX, but that quickly changed as soon as met JJ. She was even sure that John B was aware of her feelings for JJ, making sneaky comments that only she could hear, or winking at her whenever the pair were left alone together for more than 5 minutes. But she’d never actually had a conversation with him about that, he was the kind of friend who knew what you were feeling before you even knew it yourself. 

“Could’ve fooled me”, he mumbled, locking up the back of the truck as he had now emptied the crates into numerous stacks. 

Looking around the garden, puzzled by how he’d come to this conclusion, she sighed, “God JJ you really do talk out of your ass sometimes!”. Had he forgotten about how obsessed John B was with Sarah? Or the fact that Elle was actually excited when Sarah joined the Pogues?

This seemed to get a rise out of him, turning on his feet and walking over to her, “Oh please! All the times I would come over to the Chateau and you were already there, in his bed fast asleep, or answering his door basically naked?”. He knew that the way he spoke definitely portrayed his jealousy, and was uncalled for, but he hoped that masking it with confusion or anger wouldn’t give away his true feelings. 

Honestly, it killed him the first time he entered the Chateau and found out Elle had decided to sleep in John B’s bed instead of the empty spare room. It was the morning after they’d been hanging out as a group, smoking, watching movies and binging on the snacks Pope had brought over. Often, on nights like that everyone would stay over, usually having already fallen asleep during the last movie. However, JJ had decided to sleep in his own bed that night, knowing that his Dad was on an overnight fishing trip with his workmates. He hadn’t even thought about whether Elle had stayed over or headed home, until he walked in the next morning, calling out for John B and banging on his bedroom door, not expecting her to answer in nothing but one of John B’s oversized t-shirts. He quickly put two and two together, knowing that she had a drawer in the spare room with some clothes in it for whenever she decided to stay over, and concluded that the scene in front of him, reeked of sex. And of an unspoken betrayal that JJ promised himself never to mention. 

That wasn’t the last time he had caught her in that situation, it recurring exactly 5 more times, over the space of the past year. To ensure that he would never feel that betrayal again, JJ had pushed down his feelings for Elle, rebuilt some of the walls that he’d let come down around her, and used sarcasm to hide how he actually felt about the idea of his best friend hooking up with the girl that he thought he was falling in love with.

Shaking her head slightly out of disbelief, she rebutted, her voice rising a few decibels, “Excuse me? I have never slept with John B. So what we shared a bed, does that automatically mean we were hooking up? We couldn’t have just been friends who fell asleep in the same bed after talking for a few hours? JJ I’ve shared a bed with you, Pope and Kie tonnes of times! Was I hooking up with all of you as well?”.

Looking down at the ground briefly, he lowered his voice, becoming aware of how loud they were being. “It’s different with us and you know it”.

Following his lead, she lowered her voice, her anger showing through in her tone instead, “Do I J? I’m surprised you even noticed with all the tourons coming and going from your room”.

His eyes darted up to her face, “What's that supposed to mean?”.

Crossing her arms over her chest, she continued, “You get to have your fun, aren't I allowed to have mine?”. That’s all JJ ever referred to his one night stands or brief flings as, fun. 

Pointing back at the door that they’d emerged from, he referred to Topper, “This is what you call fun Elle? Fine, have all the ‘fun’ in the world, but please spare me, I don’t wanna see it”.

She raised her eyebrows out of surprise, two could play at this game. “Oh and you thought I enjoyed watching you mack on anyone with a pulse at our keggers?”. She couldn’t count the times she had watched him sweet talk a touron at a kegger into going for a walk down to the water with him, often not returning for over an hour. Not that Elle was keeping track (although she was definitely keeping track). In that hour, she’d usually devoured way too many shots, or danced, or began chatting up a guy herself, to ease the dull heartache that seemed to consume her.

Defeated by this argument, and his blood still boiling, he resorted to his defences, “You know what, do what you want, just don't come crying to me when he turns out to be exactly who we think he is”.

“From what I can remember, you wanted nothing to do with me, so what do you care who I’m macking on?”.

“The only reason I care is because of John B and Sarah. We’re trying to find ways to clear John B’s name and get justice for Sarah, whilst you're hooking up with her goddamn ex.

When this whole thing between you two blows up like it inevitably will, just know that you have no one to blame but yourself”, he spat, turning and walking back over to crates, beginning to take them around to the kitchen entrance of the Yacht Club.

“Thanks JJ! I’ll be sure to keep that in mind”, she called out after him, watching him make his way inside. She felt as though steam was coming out of her ears and she swore that her face was beet red right now, matching the faded stain on her dress. She was expecting some sort of drama to occur tonight, but not once had she thought that it would’ve been with JJ instead of Topper.

Hearing the door to the garden close behind her, she took a deep breath before turning around to face him, “Hey, are you alright?”, he asked softly. He had definitely heard the fight, probably opting to stay inside so as to not incite any more tension.

“Yeah I’m fine”, she nodded, grabbing his hand in hers and giving it a gentle squeeze, “let’s head back inside, you might need to show me how to act like a proper Kook, I think I’m finished with being a Pogue for the night”, she winked.

Topper recognised her joking tone, hinging from the hips in a faux bow, “Why of course my lady, follow me”. If she was going to be treated like a Kook, what’s the harm in acting like one?

Taglist:

@mybillyhardgrove @cyrrusmreadings @downbytheouterbanks @belledutchess @imagines-and-preferences1216 @teamnick @lauraxwndrlnd @thehomeiknow @obxlife @shawnssongs @rudyypankow @gigi-june @x-lulu​ @frodofreakingbaggins

[kinksvt]

behind closed doors (m)

requested

→ pairing: actor!mingyu x actress!reader

♕ summary: you and mingyu have a secret relationship and before he leaves for two weeks, you both decide to tie the knot.

✱ genre: celebrity au

✱ warnings: cursing, humor? (i tried), slow sex, angst at some parts

✱ word count: 5.9k

You knew that being in the movie industry would not be easy. You knew you had to work and sacrifice many things to avoid scandals, drama and rumors. So when you and Mingyu met on a set of a movie that your agent recommended, you had no idea what was to come.

The movie's plot included two characters—you and Mingyu—sent back in time to "save the world." You and Mingyu are friends in the movie but slowly fall for each other during the quest. You both shared a few kisses in some scenes in the movie and that was it. Yeah, maybe the storyline was a bit cliche but, a gig is a gig, you always thought.

Over the course of a few months, outside of your roles, you and Mingyu got close due to rehearsing and making sure it all went as planned. Closer than you would've guessed. You've heard of costars falling for each other during the filming of a movie and end up dating in real life to be admired by everyone? Well, unfortunately, this wasn't the case for you. Your agent, Seungcheol, did not like the idea of you dating in your career. He said that it might distract and hold you back from getting certain roles for future parts. You tried to tell him that it wouldn't change anything but Seungcheol didn't listen. He just waved you off and answered a phone call outside of the room.

And that's how you ended up in the situation now. Since the filming for you and Mingyu's movie ended, you haven't been able to score any parts that involved him as the lead as well. Not even a substitute role either. You enjoyed working with Mingyu, even if you didn't consider it working and more like just having fun with him while in character. He was an amazing actor and he was so passionate as well. You've heard many actors and actresses that's worked with him compliment on how dedicated he is in roles and how serious he takes his career.

Everyone loves Mingyu, he's handsome, funny, sweet, tall and not to mention, well built. Who wouldn't fall for him at his feet? But, what no one knew was that you and Mingyu have been seeing each other on the low. After those months of working with each other, texting and getting to know each other truly, you developed feelings and so did he luckily. He asked you out and, though you wished you could date freely, you two dated in private. It was still something though, even if you couldn't hold his hand out in public or even be seen in public—it was still nice to know that he cared for you and wanted to be with only you.

It had been six and a half months since he asked you out and what a wonderful six and a half months it had been. Six—and a half—months of pure and utter affection and dates at home that involved binge watching movies and shows, ordering out and spending as much time as you both could with your busy schedules. Including tonight.

Tonight was one of the few nights that you and Mingyu were available this month and of course, he called you and asked you to come on over. Both of you were initially cuddling on the couch, watching a random show that you put on when he put his hand on your thigh, accidentally sparking something inside of you that you've been dying to push down since the moment you laid eyes on him.

You guys have kissed, plenty of times and during those times there's been plenty of moments where it escalated to the point of almost having sex. Although neither of you both were virgins, you both were somewhat afraid of "sealing the deal." You knew at least that if you were to have sex with Mingyu, it would be hard to let him go eventually, like you knew you would one day. Mingyu knew if you guys were to have sex, he'd fall harder for you and wouldn't want to leave you. But at this moment, both of you didn't care.

You ended up on Mingyu's lap, the blanket that covered the both of you tossed to the side and the movie long forgotten. Mingyu's hands wandered all over your back, moving down south to grip your ass, making you moan into his mouth. Your hips subconsciously began to grind on him, making him moan into your mouth. The only sounds that were present in the room was the sound of your mixed heavy breathing and the television on low.

"Y/N," Mingyu panted as his cock began to get hard under your movements.

You whined against his lips, feeling yourself get wet at the friction. Mingyu broke the kiss, kissing your neck and nipping only slightly at the skin, knowing that if you suddenly showed up with a hickey, the press would get suspicious. "Mingyu," you spoke softly.

He stopped his movements, "Yeah?" he replied. He was sweaty, his hair sticking to his forehead and cheeks flushed.

You wanted to have sex with him. At this point you didn't care about the consequences or the possible feelings that you might have hurt. You just needed him then and there or else you felt like you'd explode. "I think I'm r-"

Ring ring!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Mingyu groaned as you felt disappointed. You got up off of Mingyu's lap and let him answer his phone which laid face up on the table. "Hello?" He said when he picked up, mouthing an I'm sorry to you. You sat quietly, listening to Mingyu's responses and also straining to listen to who was on the other line. "Oh, hey Jeonghan. What's up?" He spoke nonchalantly as if you two weren't dry fucking on his couch.

Jeonghan was Mingyu's agent who—to put it nicely—wasn't the biggest fan of you. He knew that you two had a thing and when he confronted you about it, he made you stop speaking with him. Of course you didn't listen to him, sticking it to the man. You couldn't help yourself, trying to cut ties with Mingyu for the better of your career. But every time you tried, you imagined his sad little face in your mind and didn't have the heart to really end it.

"Really?" Mingyu got up suddenly, visibly excited. He glanced at you and his face dropped. "Okay. Friday? This Friday? That's too soon." You were on the edge of your seat, curious to know what was happening. "But- Jeonghan- I," Mingyu sighed, "Okay. Alright, thank you. Yes Jeonghan I am thankful. Yeah, I'll talk to you later. Okay, bye." You looked at him, waiting for him to talk to you.

"Jeonghan got me a role."

...

After hearing those words, you felt something in your heart. Mingyu would be gone for, God knows how long and you were—to say the least—devastated. You wouldn't see him, feel him, touch or hear him for whatever many months and it upset you. He would be leaving this Friday, only—technically—two more days. Two days to spend as much time with him as you can. That night you wanted to seal the deal. To hell with your fear of it because in reality, you were already in deep with Mingyu. You cared about him and you knew he cared about you too. But not yet. You wanted it to be meaningful.

You picked the absolute fanciest hotel you could find and were pleasantly pleased to find a private house for you and Mingyu, for two nights. You got there before nightfall, just before 6 o'clock, giving yourself time to set up and build up your confidence. When you entered the house, it was breathtaking. You knew Mingyu was going to love it.

The house was secluded, overlooking the mountains and the Pacific ocean. It was huge, beautiful wooden floors, the most expensive decorations and up to date appliances. Two master bedrooms, both with gorgeous bathrooms that made you wish you could stay in forever.

"It's that nice?" Mingyu's voice echoed throughout the living room as you had him on speaker.

"Yes, it's more than nice, it's amazing. You're seriously gonna freak out when you get here." You smiled at the thought of Mingyu's reaction. You can already see his eyes sparkling with his pearly white canines showing.

"Well, I'm only about an hour-ish away according to my GPS."

"Okay, drive safe for me. Come here in one piece."

"I will, Mom."

You groaned at his words, earning a laugh from him.

...

"Ho-ly shit, Y/N, you were right." Mingyu said right after you had opened the door. The sun set by the time he arrived and it made everything look so much more beautiful. Mingyu looked all around, taking his jacket and shoes off, setting the small bag he packed on the floor.

"I told you," you replied, giggling. You showed him around, every room making his eyes grow wider and wider. After Mingyu came to his senses, the sound of his nose sniffing filled your ears. "Y/N, you didn't." He turned to you, his eyebrows furrowing together while he pouted.

You winced jokingly, "I did."

"You made dinner for me?" Mingyu looked at you, pouting even harder that it made his lower lip ache.

"For us. I just wanted to do something nice for the two of us. You know," you trailed off. "Before you go." You said sadly.

Mingyu cooed and grabbed your hand, pulling you into his arms. "You're such a sweetheart, Y/N."

You sighed in his chest, "Just wanna make our last few moments a little special."

...

After Mingyu arrived, you served him his food and you both sat on the luxurious and quite comfy couch and ate together. You found a show to put on and you two cuddled. You glanced at the microwave that read 9:46. Mingyu had his arms behind his head while you laid on his chest, your left arm wrapped around his torso. Without looking at him, you called out his name. "Mingyu?"

"Yeah baby?" He looked down at you—well, the top of your head actually.

You paused for a second, thinking over what you wanted to say. "You remember what happened yesterday?"

At this moment, you sat up to look at Mingyu in the eyes. "Which part exactly?"

"When we were making out, I was gonna tell you something." You played with your fingers, nervous that you were ready but Mingyu wouldn't be. You didn't want Mingyu to feel pressured to have sex with you. He nodded his head slowly, waiting for you to continue. "I was going to tell you, that," you took a deep breath, "I'm ready."

Mingyu tilted his head a bit, "Ready for?"

"Sex. I, uh, I want to have sex with you. B-But if you don't want to that's fine! I don't want to if you don't want to."

He scoffed and sat up to grab your hands. "I thought you'd never be ready." You furrowed your eyebrows. "No! I didn't mean it like that! I meant," You stared at him, allowing him to dig his little hole. "Like, I meant- I thought that I was the only one ready and I was like, just, waiting.. for you."

You stayed quiet, internally giggling at his nervous state. "I know what you meant, goof." You leaned in and gave him a kiss on the lips. Standing up, you held out your hand for him to grab. He looked at you curiously but took your hand anyway. You led him through the house, into the main bedroom.

The room was filled with soft lighting—thanks to the candles that you lit beforehand and you bought a few rose petals to scatter on the floor around the bed, just to make it a little more cheesy. "Oooh," Mingyu said as you two walked entered and he admired your handiwork.

You laughed and turned back around to face Mingyu. He pulled you closer to him, connecting his lips to yours. Your face began to heat up, flustered at the situation. His tongue glided over yours as his hands rested on your waist. Your hand gripped the back of his neck while you stood on your tippy toes.

The kiss got hot quickly and you weren't sure if it was because you two were finally going to have sex, or if it was the romantic scenery that made you want to dive right in.

Mingyu began walking you backwards toward the foot of the bed. Your legs hit the edge and you pulled away from Mingyu, noting how cute he looked while his face was flushed. You smiled shyly at him as you hesitantly hooked your fingers under your shirt, pulling it over your head. Mingyu's face seemed to grow more pink, as he carefully watched your every move. He was trapped in a trance as more and more of your skin was exposed to his fortunate eyes. He always thought you were perfect but he didn't think you were this perfect. His eyes raked over every curve, dip and wonder of your now bra-clad torso. "You're so beautiful Y/N." Mingyu said quietly, a smile forming on his face.

You avoided his eyes, looking at the ground in shyness. "Oh stop," you replied jokingly.

Mingyu followed your actions and took his own shirt off. You knew Mingyu was built and despite seeing him shirtless plenty of times during a few of his previous movies, it felt more personal. Sure, he's shown his body on screen but seeing it in front of you, in a way that only he wanted to show you made you feel special. You were also in a daze as your eyes traveled over his defined abs and bicep muscles. "You're beautiful too," you said mindlessly.

He laughed at how adorable you were. Mingyu walked closer to you, grabbing your hand and sitting on the bed while you stood standing. He pulled you down gently, reconnecting your lips. He backed up on the bed to rest against the pillows and you ended up sitting on his lap, running your fingers through his hair, lightly tugging when you felt that addictive feeling down south.

Mingyu's tongue ran over yours, making sure no inch of your mouth went untouched. Both of your moans merged together, the air in the room slowly becoming hot. Your hips instinctively began shifting underneath Mingyu's, receiving a whine from him. He moaned, "Fuck, keep doing that, baby." Your clit pulsated at Mingyu's voice—he sounded so hot yet so cute at the same time. Mingyu's hair began to stick to his forehead, sweat quickly building up on the both of you. You halted your movements to unbutton the pants Mingyu wore, following your own afterwards.

Mingyu's cock strained against his underwear, giving you a clear outline of what you've been only dreaming about seeing since you two started dating. You definitely underestimated him though. Lost in your thoughts, Mingyu noticed you spaced out, basically drooling over his crotch. "Are you enjoying yourself, Y/N?"

You snapped out of it, your cheeks heating up from embarrassment. "Sorry.." you whispered.

"Your underwear is cute." He pointed. Your underwear were red with a black bow at the top. He messed with the bow You rolled your eyes playfully, ignoring him. Mingyu leaned up and pulled you down with him, kissing you once again. Your heat came in contact with his cock, making the both of you moan. Mingyu's hips instinctively bucked up, rubbing against you in a way that had your clit beating harshly and arousal building.

The kiss was sensual and soft, yet also rough at the same time, due to the both of you waiting for this moment for as long as you both could remember. In the past, you and Mingyu shared some heated experiences with one another before, but nothing at all like this before. The getaway, the room, the warm lighting that shined against both of your faces made the two of you stop and smile.

"I know this might not be a good time- you know, since you're leaving but, I'm really glad that you asked me out." You confessed to Mingyu.

Mingyu awed at your words, giving you a slight pout. "Well, I'm really glad that you didn't reject me."

You laughed, looking down and back up at him. "How could I ever even think of rejecting you?"

He shrugged, "I don't know, maybe you thought I was ugly."

Scoffing, you gave him a bewildered look. "Ugly?" You said, a bit too loud for your own liking. "Who could possibly think you're ugly?"

Mingyu winced. "I know a few haters that could tell you otherwise."

You rolled your eyes and leaned down to give him a kiss on the cheek. "You're perfect to me, Mingyu." He smiled shyly up at you, avoiding your eyes. "Whaat? It's true, baby. You are perfect."

He shook his head, disagreeing with you. "There's so many other guys out there that could treat you so much better than me. I'm going to leave you for weeks, maybe even months in just a few days." He said in a sad voice.

Leaning down, you gave Mingyu another kiss on the cheek, rubbing your thumb on his cheekbone softly. "Mingyu, I don't care if you leave me for a year. I'm always going to have the same feelings for you."

Mingyu's eyes began to water, guilt settling in the entirety of his heart. Mingyu thinks that he might love you, but he's afraid if he says it out loud, it'll ruin everything. He knows his feelings for you are strong but he didn't know that they were strong enough to make him consider turning down the role Jeonghan got for him in order to stay close to you. It scared him.

"We can do long distance. We can Facetime whenever you have the chance or call or text. Whatever it takes. I just know that I can wait for you." Your own eyes began to tear up, your heart aching at the sight of Mingyu beginning to cry.

"I just-" he paused for a second, looking up at the ceiling as a tear slips down his cheek. You wiped to off, waiting for him to finish. "I don't know, I don't want you to wait all this time for me and give you false hope that the production time won't extend or whatever. I don't know, Y/N. I don't want to hurt you accidentally or whatever because I love you and I want you to be happy and-"

"Wait, wait. What?" Your thumb stopped caressing his cheek, and you sat up straight. "You what?" Your heart felt like it stopped, or maybe that's the loud thumping you hear in your ears.

Mingyu looked puzzled, "I want you to be happy?"

Your heart began beating faster. "Y-You-you love me?"

"Oh fuck." Mingyu mumbled, covering his mouth with one of his hands. He wanted to slap himself. He just said that he didn't want to say he loved you because it would ruin everything and now he did and you're probably freaked out and a million thoughts began racing in Mingyu's mind. He wanted to literally slap himself so hard right then and there.

"Mingyu-"

"Don't say it. I know that you don't feel the same way. I'm sorry, I didn't even mean to say it. I don't know why that came ou-"

You shut him up with a kiss, a deep, soft kiss that took his breath away. Which was what you were going for. After breaking the kiss, you paused for a second. "If it came out that easily, then that must mean that it has to be true."

"Y/N, I'm really sorry. I didn't want to say this then leave for who knows how long."

You shook your head, letting the fact that Mingyu actually loves you settle in. "I think I feel the same way."

"You know you don't have to say that if it isn't true. I didn't say it for you to say it back." Mingyu looked really sad and you knew that what he said wasn't how you really felt.

"I do though. I don't know for certain but I do believe that the love for you is there, Mingyu. Trust me, okay?" You gave him a small smile, making him smile back.

Mingyu nodded his head and rubbed your arm softly. "Okay. Do you still want to do this, baby?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I?"

He sniffled, wiping his eyes. "Well, I kinda just cried and shit so I wasn't sure if that turned you off or anything."

You laughed as you caressed his cheek lovingly. "You didn't. I'm glad we had that moment." Sighing, you reached behind your back, unhooking your bra. "Now, can we continue?"

Mingyu's eyes dropped to your chest, "Yes ma'am." He grabbed you and pushed you backwards, attacking your neck.

You moaned as he licked your neck, dragging his teeth against it since he couldn't mark you officially. He kissed from one side to the next and moved down to your collarbones.

Mingyu kissed and licked his way to the valley between your breasts, sucking a small hickey right beside your nipple. "I hope you don't have any roles that involve you being braless anytime soon." He said, making you laugh. Mingyu's lips were soft against your skin, giving you goosebumps as he reached your stomach, going down further and further before stopping above your underwear. Glancing up at you, he looked at you curiously.

"Please," you whined.

Mingyu smirked as his fingers slipped under the band of your underwear. Before pulling them down, he kissed your clothed clit and dragged them down your legs. You shyed away from him, hiding yourself. Mingyu moved his hands onto your knees, "You're beautiful, Y/N."

You pouted, his slightly cold hands making you shiver lightly. Mingyu placed his hands on your thighs, spreading you open slowly. Your breathing got deeper, the knowledge of how much you're exposed to him making you throb. Mingyu took note of the way your wetness shined from the candlelight, edging him to finally taste you.

His tongue flattened against your pussy, making sure he got every drop of your arousal. You let out a whine, as his tongue flicked your clit. "Fuck, you taste so good baby." Mingyu's lips latched onto your clit, sucking gently while swirling his tongue around it.

Your back arched off the bed while your hands tangled in his hair, pushing his face closer to your pussy. He took his right hand and used one of his fingers to slowly push inside you. You bit your lip as your walls clenched around his finger. "So warm too." Quickly taking his finger out, he scooted up close to your face, "Say 'ah,'" he said, opening up his own mouth for you to mimic.

Obeying his order, your mouth dropped open and you stuck your tongue out a bit. Mingyu pressed two of his fingers on your tongue. You closed your mouth around them, sucking on them and looking into Mingyu's mouth. "If you don't stop that I'm gonna have to put my dick in you right now."

"Do it then." You challenged as he pulled his fingers out of your mouth. Honestly, you wanted this to move along already. You were aching to have Mingyu inside of you, on the edge of begging for it.

"Really? You want to?" His eyebrows raised up as he held up his saliva covered fingers.

Giggling, you nodded your head. Mingyu laughed nervously, "W-Well okay then." His back smacked onto the bed, lifting his hips up to take off his underwear a little too eagerly. You started laughing as he struggled slightly. While he did, you stretched over to the nightstand on the side of the bed, grabbing a pack of condoms you placed there before his arrival.

Opening the pack, you noticed Mingyu's underwear were off and you stared for a moment. A breathy "wow" left your lips before you realized. His confidence peaked a little bit but didn't let it show. "Thank you," he smiled and grabbed the condom from your fingers. He opened the condom, pinching the top and rolling it down his length. You watched his movements carefully, admiring him in all his glory. Your eyes traveled up to his eyes, seeing his concentration and you felt your heart beat at the sight.

You laid down on the bed, in front of Mingyu who began positioning himself. He took a deep breath, "Ready?" You nodded your head and closed your eyes. He held his cock in his hand and slowly pushed into you. You winced and Mingyu groaned, both of you not used to this feeling. Mingyu was a bit thicker and you felt yourself stretch to his girth. Your walls clung onto Mingyu, making him feel like he was in heaven. "Tell me when," he grunted. You took in the sight of him inbetween your legs, his hair sticking to his forehead slightly and cheeks a light pink hue. Mingyu looked at you suddenly, "What did you just do?"

You looked at him, clueless as to what he was talking about. "Huh?"

Mingyu chuckled, licking his lips. "Your, uh," he scratched his head. "You kinda clenched around me."

Your eyes widened a bit, not even knowing you did so. "Oh," you said quietly.

"I'm not complaining though! I-It felt good actually," Mingyu admitted.

When you knew you were ready you told him and closed your eyes. Mingyu mouthed an okay, moving his length almost all the way out of you before pushing back in. You gasped, eyes popping back open as you seen his mouth drop open and a quiet moan leaving his pink lips. Grabbing the back of Mingyu's neck, you pulled him closer to kiss him. Mingyu developed a steady pace—slow yet forceful at the same time.

"Mingyu," you purred in his mouth. His cock hit the sweetest spots of you when he pushed himself the furthest he could go.

His tongue swirled around yours, caressing it lovingly and making your insides fill with butterflies. "Y/N," he breathed sensually.

The kiss broke, but Mingyu kept himself close to you. His forehead touched yours, resting it gently on you as his hips kept the pace. Mingyu's hips ground into yours tenderly, making you see stars. You looked into Mingyu's eyes, "I love you."

Mingyu smiled, brushing a piece of hair out of your face and holding your cheek. "I love you too, Y/N."

After saying that, Mingyu picked up his speed. Both of you moaned, drunk off the way the two of you made each other feel. Mingyu's cock felt warm in you and your walls hugged him in a way that you knew you'd miss when he left. At the thought, you wrapped your legs around Mingyu's lower half, wanting him to be as close to you as possible before he would be gone.

Mingyu laid on his forearms that were right next to the sides of your head. His breath mingled with yours, making your head spin slightly as his lips brushed your own. Your hand rested on his jaw, admiring his facial expressions. He moaned, feeling your pussy pulse around his cock. "You must really be whipped for me because every time you look at me, your downtown gets affected in a way."

You smacked his face gently, "Shut up, dork."

"No you." He said desperately, his hips going faster and faster. You whined while Mingyu placed his head in the crook of your neck. His breath tickling your collarbones as he moaned into your skin. "Fuck, Y/N," he rasped.

Your arms hugged his shoulders, fingers tangling in his hair as you felt your orgasm building. "O-Oh my god, f-fuck," you stuttered. You swallowed harshly, broken moans slipping past your lips.

Mingyu grunted, his own orgasm building quickly alongside yours. "God, you feel so, so good, Y/N fuck." He moved away from your neck to kiss you again. His teeth caught your bottom lip, making you giggle.

Mingyu swallowed your high pitched moans, as you felt yourself get closer and closer to the edge. Your fingernails raked down his back, making him growl in your mouth. "Do that again," he mumbled against your lips.

You repeated your actions, your fingernails scratching red marks down his shoulder blades. "Shit, I'm close. Mingyu," you pleaded.

"M-Me too," he whimpered.

You slipped your hand between the two of you, rubbing your clit messily to edge yourself closer.

"That's hot," Mingyu chuckled as you rolled your eyes at him.

"I'm almost there," your walls began pulsing around Mingyu quickly.

Both of your moans got higher and higher until waves of pleasure washed over you two. Mingyu's hips halted as he came into the condom while he grunted softly. Your walls clenched around his length as your back arched off the bed. You collapsed back on the bed, your clit beating in a rhythm that you felt in your toes.

Mingyu sighed, pulling out of you gently as you mewled. He took the condom off of himself, careful to make sure nothing spilled out. Mingyu searched for the trashcan before looking back at you. You laughed, checking out his butt before pointing to the bathroom. He waddled his way into the room, flipping the switch on and tossing the contraceptive in the bin. Mingyu walked back in the bedroom, running his fingers through his damp hair.

You smirked, looking him up and down. "You know, you're really sexy, Gyu."

He waved you off, bending over to grab his and yours underwear. You gave him a wolf whistle and he covered his butt with his boxers before throwing your panties in your face and tossing your bra at you as well. Both of you laughed as you slipped your undergarments on and you put your bra on. Mingyu plopped back on the bed next to your right side. You and Mingyu stared at the ceiling, knowing that his indefinite leave will be even harder now.

After a long moment of silent staring, you spoke up. "If you find someone else, I don't want you to hold back."

Mingyu shifted his head to look at you. "What?"

A tear slipped past your eye. You turned your head to look at Mingyu as well. "I don't want to hold you back, Mingyu."

"But Y/N-" "No," you interrupted him. "You're an amazing guy, Mingyu. And I know that I'm not going to forget us or this night or any other nights we spent together. But Jeonghan doesn't approve of us. What if he wants you to be with someone else?"

Mingyu then turned his whole body towards you, laying his head on his hands. "I don't care what he wants. If it comes down to it, I'll tell him about us. I love you, Y/N. I want you and only you."

More tears began to fall, slipping out of the corner of your eyes. "I can't affect any of your decisions when it comes to your career though, Mingyu."

"Y/N, please. I can't lose you. Please just, let's give this a try? Please, just don't give up yet. I know we can do this." He cradled your cheek, wiping your tears away with his thumb. "Please," he begged.

You saw his eyes water, a tear forming before it slipped down the bridge of his nose and landing on the pillow. Taking a moment, you thought about what he asked. Could you really make this work? Will this make Mingyu deny roles that will keep him away from you longer? Was it selfish to want to make it work? Was it selfish that you wanted him to stay? Yes, but you knew you couldn't do that. "Okay," you whispered.

...

The next morning, you and Mingyu woke up in each other's arms. The two of you got up from bed, yawning and walking to the main room. You made breakfast while Mingyu helped in any way he could. He stopped you midway to finish and served you before himself. The day consisted of lounging around, watching tv, napping and making small meals whenever either of you got hungry.

The day after, you packed your things while Mingyu cleaned up and made sure everything looked the way it did when you got there. After you and Mingyu finished, you both stood in front of the doorway, taking in the last moments you'd be able to spend next to each other. You faced him. "I'm going to miss you so much."

He nodded his head, facing you as well. "Me too."

Both of you started tearing up before he pulled you in for a hug. His arms held your head, hugging you in a way you'll desperately miss when you wish he was there while he's away. You sobbed in his arms, muffling most of the noise in his shirt. Mingyu's tears fell in your hair—which he tried brushing off sneakily but failing. You laughed, pulling away and shaking your hair.

It was time.

You stood and looked at him one last time. You couldn't even go to the airport to say goodbye. Not only because of Jeonghan but because of paparazzi and fansites. "I love you, Gyu."

Mingyu pressed his lips together, his eyes glossed over from his tears as more shed down his cheeks. "I love you too, Y/N."

"Call me when you land?" You grabbed his hand and held it for a bit.

He nodded, picking up his bag with his unoccupied hand. He opened the door, and looked back at you. His hand slowly pulled from yours, a pout forming on his face. Mingyu's warmth left your palm as he looked away from you and began leaving the rental.

...

The whole ride back home, you cried your eyes out. Before getting back, you put on some black sunglasses, hopefully hiding your puffy eyes. You entered your house, already missing Mingyu's presence.

The rest of your day, you spent watching tv alone. At night, you got on your laptop, checking Twitter and seeing Mingyu's name trending.

Actor Kim Mingyu seen boarding plane with tear-filled eyes. What could possibly be breaking the 23 year old's poor heart?

You scrolled down the tag, seeing fansite photos and seeing how sad he looked. You got your phone out, sending him a message.

[11:19 pm] You: Hey babe. I seen the airport photos, I miss you and I love you. I hope you landed safe <3

You clicked your phone off and scrolled through a few more photos before heading to bed. He must've been too busy to call you.

...

Ring ring!

A phone call woke you up at the crack of dawn. You answered as fast as you could. "Hello?" You croaked, your morning voice definitely worse from all the bawling yesterday.

"Hey baby, I'm so sorry I didn't call yesterday."

You smiled at Mingyu's voice. "Hey, it's okay."

-

a/n: yerrr finally posted after ten years, hope u all enjoyed! <3 i feel like this wasn’t super interesting at all so feedback would be appreciated :(

[xxxthe-grammar-nazixxx]

Shoot

This is a Robert Sheehan fanfic.  All liberties taken are mine alone. Medium level sex scene.  Based on a photo shoot that was very inspiring!  

‘OMG it’s him!’

‘Who him?’ I was too busy going through the last batch of prints at my desk to pay much attention to what my two off-siders were whispering about. They’d been giggling by the water cooler like Beavis and Butthead for the last five minutes, staring at someone in the foyer, no doubt. It never failed to amuse me how, no matter how many celebrities we met and photographed for our online entertainment magazine, my makeup artist and hairstylist could still turn into a couple of total fangirls at the sight of a pretty, famous man.

They either didn’t hear me or weren’t brave enough to say the name out loud for fear of him – whoever he was – overhearing, so I let it go and walked the prints over to reception. ‘Stella these have the name and contact details on them, can you mail them off for me?’

Stella nodded. ‘Of course. Standard post or express?’

‘It’s pretty urgent.’

‘Express post then.’

‘So, who’s my next lamb to the slaughter?’ I asked her.

‘Robert Sheehan.’

‘Who?’

Stella’s brown, perfectly made-up eyes widened. ‘Are you actually kidding me? The guy’s show is one of the biggest things on Netflix at the moment! The Umbrella Academy?’

‘Haven’t had time. Seriously, how do you people manage to binge-watch TV all day with full-time jobs?’

‘Because we’re not workaholics like you.’ Stella replied, with a laugh. ‘Seriously, you should watch it.’

I screwed up my nose. ‘Superheroes, right? Doesn’t really sound like my kind of thing.’

‘How do you know it’s not your kind of thing unless you watch it?’ Stella said, reproachfully.

‘She’s got a point, you know.’

I sighed. ‘He’s right behind me, isn’t he?’

Stella exploded into giggles. I shook my head at her and turned to find my next subject indeed right behind me.  

He smiled. ‘Not a fan, I take it?’

Hm. Roughly six foot or over, lean but not too skinny, nice green eyes, dimple – okay, I had to admit, I could sort of see what all the fuss was about. His curly dark hair could do with a comb and some product though. I knew I was thinking like a photographer but that was my default setting.

‘It’s not that,’ I told him. ‘I just … haven’t seen your show. I could be a fan.’ I winced. ‘Don’t go over to the competition, please. My boss will kill me.’

He laughed. ‘I don’t even know who the competition is, so I think you’re safe there.’

 I liked his accent too. ‘What part of Ireland are you from?’

‘Port-Laoise,’ (He pronounced it Port Leesh).  ‘I know… practically nobody’s heard of it. It’s not well-known like County Cork or Dublin. It’s a little country town.’

‘Nice. Well, Stu gave me a bit of a heads-up on where to go with this, so are you ready?’

‘Ready as I’ll ever be.’

‘Great.’ I turned to Britt and Ella. ‘You two want to stop standing over there like props and get organized?’

Britt’s jaw dropped. ‘Can we watch?’

‘That would be up to Mr. Sheehan.’

‘Just Robert’s fine. I’m no Mister,’ he joked. ‘I … okay … sure, I guess.’

‘Girls, he’s probably sick to death of being ogled at from all angles,’ I told them. ‘Ten minutes, and then you’re out.’

                                                          ****

 To their credit, Britt and Ella did an amazing job. Not that this guy needed much of anything in the way of makeup or what Britt liked to call “floofing”.  But they’d taken one look and decided on the theme. His hair had been straightened and worked into a kind of punk rock bouffant. Like Elvis, but more extreme. Black kohl liner exaggerated the olive green of his eyes. Ella had decided on a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and the buttons unfastened to mid-torso. The black and white striped stretch pants looked like something Freddie Mercury would wear in the 70’s – or Michael Hutchence might have worn now, if he’d been alive. Had to admit, for all their fangirling, my employees knew how to dress a man so that you’d want to undress him!

‘Is this okay?’ He walked out of the dressing room patting down the back of his hair, self-consciously. ‘Leave it alone,’ Britt laughed, ‘You’ll wreck all my good work.’

‘It looks great. Suits you.’

‘Thanks. So um … what’s the plan?’

We worked steadily for the next ten minutes while Britt and Ella stood watching from the doorway of the dressing room. After that I gave them permission to buzz off for the day, but I hardly believed they’d take me at my word. Either way it didn’t matter – the door stayed closed. Even Stella left as she had to catch an early train.  I was on my own with a client – not something I regularly planned for as it bent the rules a little bit – but you had to see this guy to understand. I’d photographed male models before, guys whose natural beauty gave me goosebumps in all the right places. But the trouble with them was they knew it and played on it.  I’m not saying Robert didn’t fully realize the effect he had on women.  He knew. He just wasn’t arrogant about it.  In fact, if anything it was the opposite. He was hilarious. He had me in stitches in minutes. It was a good thing the camera was on a tripod because I would have dropped it for sure!

It was when I asked him to improvise a bit that things took a turn for the … well, strange. No, that’s not the word. Let’s just say that I wouldn’t have been surprised if the narrow, horizontal windows near the ceiling of my basement studio were a little bit steamed up …

 He walked toward the camera, slowly, like a tiger biding his time, waiting to pounce. I zoomed in on that face and was glad I did. His grin was like a slow burn, working its way from the pit of your stomach to your thighs. That was when I realized I was holding my breath.  He narrowed those hypnotic green eyes slightly and lifted a finger to his mouth, biting down on it seductively.  My camera kept taking pictures, but I barely noticed my role in their creation. Later I’d go back over the shots and struggle to remember taking some of them. But I never forget the video. I always film a photo shoot, especially if it’s just me in the room with a male client, which doesn’t happen all that often. I always ask permission but it’s more for my protection than theirs. Anyhow, when I returned to the video to make sure I wasn’t running out of battery or flash drive space, I watched Robert in the monitor. He was staring down at his feet, and I wondered what he was thinking about. He lifted his head slowly and glanced at something slightly to the right of the camera, letting out a shaky breath. There was a vulnerability in that one little movement where I kind of felt sorry for the guy, even though there was nothing to pity him for. He was rich, he was incredibly talented, and drop-dead gorgeous. What’s to feel bad about?

‘Are you okay?’ I asked him. ‘Do you need a break?’

He smiled as if the previous moment hadn’t even occurred. ‘No, I’m fine! Honestly, let’s keep going, I’ve got my second wind.’

‘Robert … you would tell me if you felt … objectified, right?’  

He blinked. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, I’m just saying … you must have people taking your picture all the damn time. Does it ever get old?’

He shrugged. ‘Sometimes. But that’s the job, you know. Why?’

‘I just … how can I explain this. so it makes sense …’ I bit my lip. ‘You’re a good-looking guy.’

He grinned. ‘Thank you.’

‘And you don’t even fish for compliments. That’s rare. Even when you’re telling some celebrities how great they are, they want to hear more.’

‘Yeah, I’ve met some like that. Quite a few actually.’ He motioned to the sofa under the window. ‘Come to think of it, I might take you up on that quick break, if you don’t mind.’

‘Of course not.’

I went back to reviewing some of the photos until he cleared his throat. I glanced up.

‘You’re not taking a break?’

‘Um … I wasn’t going to …’

‘Come on. Sit down for a bit. Put your feet up. I heard your receptionist say you’re a workaholic. You can relax for five minutes, you know.’

I laughed. ‘I know … All right.’ It wasn’t taking a break, in itself, that made me nervous.  I might have been driven but as far as I knew, I didn’t suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was having to sit so close to one of the most attractive men I’d ever met, and not allowing myself to get flustered or unprofessional.  All I could think about was whether I had lipstick on my teeth or bad breath.  I ran a hand through my short blonde hair, which had recently been chopped to resemble Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘do in Sliding Doors (thank you, Britt, you’re a doll) and wondered if he thought I looked too butch.

‘I like your hair,’ he said. ‘Is that a new cut?’

‘Yeah … I mean, thanks. How did you know?’

‘I didn’t. You just have that look of someone who had their hair cut recently but isn’t sure of it yet.’

I chuckled. ‘That’s awfully specific.’

He shrugged. ‘I like to read people. I think I’m pretty good at it.’

‘Really? What am I thinking now?’

Robert settled into the vintage chesterfield sofa and crossed one long, lean leg over the other, in my direction. He tilted his head, speculatively. ‘You’re on edge. Nervous. I have no idea why. I’m a fun guy. Not intimidating at all.’

You’re half right, I wanted to say, but that would beg the question – what was he wrong about?

‘Okay, I’ll try to remember that,’ I told him. Relaxing back against the sofa I added, ‘Better?’

‘Marginally, but you still have that tense little line between your eyes.’  He reached over and before I knew what was happening, stroked the skin between my eyebrows with his thumb. It had the odd effect of making me feel sleepy.  ‘There, that’s better.’

I managed a smile despite the tension that still sat in my neck and shoulders. ‘Is that Reiki or something?’

‘No. Just something I picked up somewhere. I forget where. I think they do it to newborn babies who are stressed. It puts them to sleep.’

‘Nearly put me to sleep,’ I admitted, feeling a blush creep into my cheeks.

‘Ah well, then, it worked.’  God, that smirk. That dimple. The confidence, along with the complete lack of arrogance, was undeniably hot. I suddenly wanted to remove my blazer, even though it was roughly 10 degrees outside and not much warmer in my studio.

‘Okay well, we’ve … we’ve had a long enough break. Let’s get back to it …’

Robert laughed. ‘It’s your shoot. What do you want me to do now?’

My face grew warmer. I could think of a few things, but they weren’t appropriate at the time and certainly aren’t printable!  ‘Well first off, a wardrobe change. Why don’t you go and have a look at what’s there?’  While he did that, I took off to the bathroom in the hallway, just outside the studio.  Splashing some water on my face, I managed to dial down the red.  Breath, check, I thought, going through the drill. Pits, check. Heart rate … going a mile a minute. Need to get that down!  Think of something totally not hot. Rupert Murdoch. Dead … anything. Warts. Yeah, that’ll do it. Rotten big carbunkles!

No matter what I did, though, when I walked back into the studio and saw him in a pair of black leather pants and a patterned black and silver shirt open all the way down, with nothing underneath but bare skin, my heart-rate spiked!  I’m going to have a bloody stroke, I realized. He’s gonna make me stroke out, the gorgeous bastard!  

Shucking off my blazer because it was now far too hot in that claustrophobic little studio, I complimented him on his choice. ‘You look like Michael Hutchence,’ I admitted. ‘If he was into wearing guyliner.’

Robert laughed. ‘Well, I’m flattered cos he was one hot piece … am I allowed to say that?’

‘Of course! I’m not about to stop you.’ Damn, I thought. He’s gay. Just my luck!

‘I’m not gay, though, not that there’s anything wrong with that,’ he added, quickly. ‘Not that you care, either, I just …’ he shot me a sideways glance. ‘I just wanted you to know.’

‘Okay.’ I think my heart stopped beating altogether somewhere amongst his garbled confession. If in fact it was a confession. I felt a bit like Forrest Gump – too slow to figure out something that should have been obvious.  Wait, I thought. Does he want me to know he’s straight because he’s into me? Or because he’s worried I’ll go to the ‘zine and spill my guts?  Inside I knew the answer to that but my self-esteem, little destroyer that it was, wouldn’t allow me to gloat.

I’m not sure how it happened. I don’t remember how I got from A to B; I just knew that I had to be kissing him right now, before I lost my nerve. He tasted like coffee and pistachios.  His cologne was something altogether fantastic: citrusy and woody and musky all at the same time. Or maybe the musk part was all him, I don’t know.  

He was a freakishly good kisser. Once the shock of my making the first move wore off, he took charge without overstating it. Which was easy for him because I’m less than five feet two in heels and he towered over me. In less than a minute he had managed to trigger every cliché in the romance writer’s arsenal: my knees were weak, my skin was covered in goosebumps and my heart was pounding like a jackhammer. I had to wind my arms around his neck to keep from dissolving into a puddle of lust on the floor, because his lips and hands were doing things to me that are illegal in some countries!  We kind of shuffle-walked back over to the sofa without breaking contact, and suddenly I was lying beside him, reaching into his shirt to hold my hand over his heart, to see if it was racing as fast as mine.  Not quite but close enough. He responded by slipping his hand beneath the hem of my shirt and running it up along my flank until it reached my bra. His lips left mine and started kissing their way down my throat.  My breath caught as his cool fingers grazed my nipple through the silk. He reached around and unfastened my bra with one hand. Hm, clever, I thought. Dexterous at the very least. How many times have you done that, I wonder? It should have been enough to put me off; to change my mind about this. But he started kissing me again and I lost all notion of caring how many women he’d been with or even what day it was.  His hand cupped my breast, this time free of the bra. He moved from my mouth to my collarbone, and pushing up my top, kissed the skin over my heart. I removed the shirt and bra in one, anxious to get as close to him as possible.  I wanted his shirt off as well. As good as it looked on him, this guy was born to not wear clothes!

He let me push it off his shoulders as his mouth made my nipples so hard they ached. My fingers delved into his thick dark hair, messing up the ‘do Britt had so carefully made look careless. His lips traced a path down the center of my torso, the short whiskers on his chin and upper lip alternating between scratching and tickling my skin. When he reached the waistband of my jeans, I had to stop him. ‘No,’ I whispered. ‘Not that. I’m not … I’m not comfortable with it.’

He glanced up at me. ‘You mean, you don’t want me to go down on you?’

I nodded. ‘Sorry.’

‘Don’t be sorry.’ He shuffled back up beside me. ‘Any particular reason?’

‘I don’t know … just … not today. Okay?’

‘Okay. That’s cool.’  He leaned in and kissed me. ‘I have other ways of making you squirm.’

I quivered at the thought. He unzipped my jeans and tugged them down a little, his hand disappeared between my thighs, cupping me and making its way beneath my underwear. ‘Actually,’ he said, in a husky voice, ‘this is almost better.’  I gasped as he started to stroke, and he grinned, and winked at me. ‘Better vantage point.’

When he had me as wet as I could possibly be, he finally let me move enough to unfasten his leather pants. Before that he’d been determined to make me ‘squirm’, as he put it, and squirm I most certainly did. I was still catching my breath when he produced a condom from a pocket I didn’t even know those pants had. ‘Should never leave me alone in the wardrobe room,’ he joked. ‘I get up to all kinds of hijinks.’

‘You brought that with you?’

‘I always have at least one with me,’ he explained. ‘In my position, I sort of have to. You have no idea how many girls throw themselves at me just because I’m famous. I do have a policy where I don’t shag my fans but … when it comes to women in general, sometimes I’m not as disciplined as I’d like to be. Like now, for instance.’

‘Oh good,’ I murmured, ‘Because I don’t have any.’  I looked up at him. He looked so beautiful lying there on his side, practically naked except for a pair of black jockey shorts and the leather pants around those knees. He kicked both off and hurriedly rolled on the rubber.

‘No rush,’ I said, with a giggle. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’ I reached up and stroked his cheek. I could feel the bristle of new stubble growing through, even as Britt or Ella must have given him a shave in order to apply the makeup for the photo shoot. Those beautiful big green eyes were luminous even in the shadow from the photo-lighting. His skin was golden and his lips … suddenly I regretted my earlier reticence about oral sex. I’d experienced it before of course but it was always awkward, messy and felt almost like an obligation, on both sides. And it almost never, ever made me feel like he’d made me feel a moment ago, with his hand. I wanted to be able to explain that to him but felt stupid and almost prudish. Instead I took him in hand and fondled him until he closed his eyes and bit down hard on his lower lip. Taking that as a signal he was ready to go, I shucked my own pants off and pulled him close, sliding my leg over his hip. He was cautious at first, probably worried about blowing his load too early, but the feel of him inside me was almost too much, anyway. It reignited what had been simmering away for the last few minutes, with a pleasure so sharp it was almost pain.

‘Are you okay?’

I nodded. ‘Keep going.’

He did, but slowly, and we kissed as if we had all the time in the world. He raised himself up on his elbows over me, and I responded by wrapping my legs around his slim hips, holding him inside. His new position gave him leverage, and strength to go harder and faster. Pretty soon it was only a kiss every other thrust, and I don’t know about him, but I felt like I was about to burst out of my skin.

Suddenly, just as I arched my back with release, and he did the same seconds later, I heard a shrill beep, and remembered.

I hadn’t turned the camcorder off.

 THE END.

[paperclipninja]

Younger post-ep recap 6x06

Due to a rather unfortunate run in between my laptop and a glass of water I lost my original ramble for this week’s Younger (as well as the actual laptop so R.I.P Lappy, you were actually pretty terrible but we had a good run). So instead of my usual review I thought I’d do more of a recap and refresher of the last episode to get us prepped, primed and pumped (aka the 3 P's) for the next installment (ep7).

Episode 6 of Younger was in many ways so bonkers that it shouldn’t have worked, but somehow all the pieces came together and it did .Oh boy did it ever! I outright belly laughed a number of times throughout and I think my dog was mildly concerned for my well-being because there were actual tears coming out my eyes at a couple of points. I’m a sucker for a pun so ‘Merger, She Wrote’ had me at hello (you could say my hopes for the ep were high...yes I did and #notsorry). What I wouldn’t have given to be in the room to see the reactions to a script with ‘Liza goes to talk to the nurse who is actually a plant’ in it. So yes there were LOLs galore but most importantly, by the end of the ep order had been restored following the upheaval of the past 6 episodes (which is about the limit viewers can take sitting in the discomfort of an unfamiliar detour from the norm IMO: think the Bryce Reiger arc in season 3 and the Charles finding out the lie in season 5...it’s almost as though Darren and co. have done this before...), Finally the fam is back together at Millennial (or is it Mercennial now?)

Straight off the bat I was very distracted for most of the opening scene by Liza’s dress and look in general because it was AMAZING.  I am loving all the Maggie/Liza in the morning scenes we’re getting this season and Maggie in a blue coverall embarking on a DIY rope harness ceiling painting project...what could possibly go wrong? I felt mildly uncomfortable at how relatable Maggie’s not being served for 10 mins in a bar and sneaking out to the fridge in the night were, but was also mildly mesmerized by Liza’s coffee mug that looked like some kind of old-timey wash basin (turns out this was not relevant to the story but noted nonetheless). Maggie also offers the very straight forward solution of merging the two companies to alleviate the tension that’s putting Liza and Charles in ‘not a good place’ and I love that her ‘bing, bang, boom’ is echoed by Liza when she floats the idea with Charles later in the ep. 

The' Microdosing' book pitch provided us with the set up for the retreat and my fave thing about this scene was how IN character all the characters reactions were to it all; Diana is flat out appalled by the whole thing, Liza is Captain Cautious but trying to play it cool and Kelsey looks like she’s seeing colour for the first time and would 100% pledge her devotion to Travis in any kind of cult situation.

What might have seemed out of character, but actually ended up so perfectly capturing the way she always does everything with absolute gusto, was Diana's foray into boomer erotica narration (as Liza so eloquently put it, 'I think we just found our Seasoned Slut'. These lines, I swear *rofl emoji* )  I think I laughed through the entire scene of Diana in the recording studio, I mean, Miriam Shor's delivery of every line just kills me, but the highlight was undoubtedly when she suggested she could hit nipple a little harder and affirmed  'throbbing nipple' to herself as she walked back to the booth. Zane and creepy af Audrey Colbert waiting allowed for Diana to unsubtly hot foot it out of there, which was a great throwback to her refusal to be in the same room as Audrey in ep 3.

It was a also great opportunity to bring Zane and Kelsey back together and who doesn't love an awks 'accidentally had the mic open and didn't realize' moment when you're talking about how your author is definitely a murderer? I feel like Audrey may go and find another publisher now (just a hunch) but I would really like to see more of her because this character is a type of unhinged that we haven't seen on this show and I think that could be a lot of fun to see play out. I have to say that Kelsey Peters is NOT someone I picked as a boop-er of noses, yet there she was at the bar, booping Zane's nose and this was my favourite interaction of theirs in the series. I was totally digging the dynamic this ep and it will be very interesting to see what that will look like with the new work arrangements. Also, where was Zane when that was all going down btw? I assume Charles filled him in on the bringing the companies together plan before it happened?

Liza's excitement when she told Charles the idea of merging the two companies was endearing and I am unabashedly a big fan of Charles, but his attempt at convincing Liza to join him at Mercury after she tells him that she won't leave Millennial and Kelsey, by saying he left his company to be with her, was super shitty. But it was also super necessary. Because at some point this needed to be said and most importantly, Liza needed to call him out on it and let him know that he cannot use it as a bargaining chip. One of the things I love most about the Charles/Liza dynamic (aside from all the things, but that's another essay) is that Liza is her own advocate in this relationship, she will stand her ground when something is important to her and does not compromise herself to appease Charles. He is equally as stubborn but they are able to have the hard conversations that need to be had but this doesn’t lead them to question whether they want to be together (I very much appreciated the kiss on the cheek Liza gave Charles before she left for this very reason).

So of course being on a psychedelics retreat together when they've hit a roadblock in the relationship was definitely a very good idea...Well it was for us as viewers at least, because pretty much from the moment they arrive and Liza and Charles start talking straight to camera as the literal doctor (my god that whole line just cracked me up) informs them they'll be taking not-LSD, we know we're not in Kansas anymore Toto. Enter Josh for *insert drama here* purposes (and I do think he should franchise Inkburg coz why not?) and we have, ladies and gentlefolk, a recipe for some next level hilarity. But not before Josh and Liza share a lingering look as they take their dose of illicit substance to ensure that Lizs's trip includes one down memory lane.

I have made my feelings about love triangles known many times (quick recap: hard dislike. Tricky to pull off without one or more characters looking bad. Very tiring as a viewer and quite frankly I am pretty lazy and tired most of the time irl so just don't want it on my screen), however I will say that I did not see this ep as re-stoking the love triangle, I saw it as simply reminding us that it is there and can be reignited by the writers at any stage. Within the context of everything that was happening, Liza hallucinating Josh at her door actually made sense and I have no doubt that various factions of Younger fans had meltdowns at that moment for very different reasons.. Sutton Foster's physical comedy throughout this whole ep was second to none, starting at her realization that it was, in fact, Charles who had come to her room and continuing the next morning at breakfast.

Speaking of which, there was something about seeing Liza and Charles in the breakfast room together that made my sappy heart swell, it had such a vacay feel and I'm sure if you muted your volume you could pretend they were just listening to the activities for the day before going off to spend some quality time together...I mean, maybe that would be a thing, I wouldn't know....where was I? Oh yes, the unfolding of a series of comedy golden McNuggets™ that I am still laughing about. We learn that Liza is a supertaster (for those like me who pretended they understood what that meant but then realized they did not, I googled it and it means that she is sensitive to the drugs and basically the microdose affects her like a full dose, you're welcome) and I am chuckling even now when I think about Josh's, 'hey guys' in Charles' voice as he joins the table.

This is another one of those concepts that I feel like could've not worked at all but sweet lawd, the Charles and Josh voice swap scene was next level and I could watch this and the scene that follows over and over and never not laugh. I again LOVE the decision to have the guys talk to camera because it absolutely emphasizes the whole situation and Liza sidestepping away to visit the nurse just rounded off the whole crazy caper.

I have no words to describe how much I love the flat out ridiculous perfection of the visit to Nurse Maureen. Yes Liza has the epiphany that Josh and Charles bring out different things in her (though hot sex seems to be at the core of both so ya know, sounds like a win in the past and present and good for her on both accounts) and again, the unlikely scenario that her ex and current boyfriends are in the same place at the same time (while she is taking mind altering substance) has just played out so it also makes sense in this context. Quite frankly I'm shipping her and Maureen pretty hard at this point because a) it is not easy to pull off eyeshadow that green and b) everyone deserves someone in their life who has the kind of belief in Liza that Maureen does when she tells her 'I bet you can' dance just like me. I don't even know how to explain whatever that dance is but I just know that I want someone/something in my life that will windmill their/it's arms at me with such fervor that I find myself dancing with two attractive men in tuxedos on a galaxy stage.

I cannot express the joy I felt watching the entire dance scene, it was all just so. much. fun. But my absolute hands down favourite moment was when it cut back to the retreat and we, along with Charles and Josh, discover that Liza is in fact dancing with 'Maureen' the plant and seriously, this is up there with my highlights of the entire series. That and the reveal that the selfies Liza was taking were sent to Diana (Diana speaking to Liza in her 'sexy' voice, asking 'where is my plant?', Liza's, 'Maureen', I just cannot with every part of this glorious tie in at the end of the ep. I am sending Ashley Skidmore a houseplant to express my gratitude for gifting us with these moments*). Seeing Josh and Charles together was great but it was clear a scene was missing and I am SO glad that Younger released the deleted conversation between the two of them coz it was both necessary because YES and also because it suddenly made Charles' entire conversation and reason for his decision to sell Mercury make sense (ie. was pretty pivotal).

I big A adored Charles and Liza's conversation (and outfits and aesthetic overall) as they're leaving the retreat, the shift in Charles is palpable and it's just such a credit to the writing and acting to be able to convey so much in such a brief scene. Maggie of course experienced quite the shift herself, from ceiling to floor, with a sufficient amount of dangling as her helpful neighbourly pervert got himself off as she got herself down. But most importantly, Maggie got her mojo back (though is she not currently dating Beth? In which case location of missing mojo: unclear).

Now I gotta tell you, the final scene of this week's ep up and got me. Big time. Kelsey's earlier comment, that she really hates competing with Charles, certainly added weight to the resolution we've all been waiting for this season. Charles' honesty about his realisation that he is hurting his family, not to mention him confirming that he means Kelsey, Diana and Liza and that he wants to come home, ugh, my insides are gooey just writing these words, leads to his offer to Kesley and honestly, the interactions between all of them in this scene was wonderful. I loved that Kelsey held the room, that Charles was putting the offer to her from one businessperson to another (though thank goodness Diana was there to point out the difference between $1 and $1000000 eek! Also, I get that it would never occur to anyone that the price would be $1 so I'll cut Kels some slack). Diana looks like she is going to cry at any moment from elation and I love the way Kelsey asks for the approval of the ladies before shaking Charles' hand. This will forever be one of my favourite scenes on this show.

The thought of Charles coming back and working as an editor alongside Liza is an actual dream. I mean, I am very happy to be taken on the journey the writers set, but I have legit wondered what it would be like to see him in that role and he and Liza working together properly as equals and I absolutely cannot believe it's going to happen.

Well this ended up being quite a bit longer than I expected (lol, what a surprise). Bring on episode 7!

*I will not in fact be sending Ashley Skidmore a houseplant because I live in a very far away country, it would cost a lot of money and it is 1000% creepy to receive a dead plant from a stranger. 

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

reprise

i just spent the weekend binging Rise, and I can’t wait for the finale tomorrow. and, in the meantime... here’s a bit of crappy fanfiction okay bye 

Simon arrived at school a few minutes before homeroom. He spotted Jeremy across the courtyard. He gave Lilette a quick goodbye and beelined towards his on- (and potentially off-?) screen love interest.

He nervously gripped his backpack straps. “Hey, Jeremy! Can we talk?” he asked. “Somewhere… private?”

Jeremy’s eyes glanced around, avoiding Simon’s gaze. He was nervous, too. “Of course.”

They went to the prop room. No one would be there this early in the day.

Jeremy fidgeted impatiently. “What’s up?”

Simon looked down. “I lied a little bit, yesterday. My family… it’s not just that they’re Catholic. I mean, I’m starting to wonder how much of it is actual Catholicism and how much is just this ridiculous facade and… My family is a shitshow. I mean, there was just all of this stuff buried under the surface, and now… I don’t know what’s happening or what’s going to happen. I’m just… I’m just here, having your classic Catholic teen’s sexuality crisis, but my parents… they’ve got all of this stuff going on, too. And I’m confused. And I’m scared. And I was up all night thinking, and… You deserve way better than me, Jeremy. You deserve someone who knows who he is. Who won’t run and hide when he’s scared. I’m not that guy. And I think it might be a while until I’m comfortable with all of this.”

Jeremy contemplated for a second. For a moment, it looked like he was reaching for Simon’s cheek, but then he settled for taking his hand. “Christ, Simon. It’s like you’re forgetting I’m gay, too. I get it. I’ve been there. I’m here for you, whatever you need. Everyone works through things differently. It’s okay.”

Simon pulled his hand away, avoiding Jeremy’s eyes. “I didn’t finish. I know you deserve someone way better than me, but I was up all night just thinking… about how much I wanted to kiss you.”

“Well, we’ve all been there, Moritz,” Jeremy teased.

Simon looked at him, and he was grinning. Simon glared at the joke, but, God, those eyes Jeremy was giving him… That smile… He reached up and cupped the back of Jeremy’s neck and pulled him into a kiss. He didn’t know how long they had lost themselves in each other’s lips, but they were abruptly interrupted. “Oh! Oh, sorry, I-”

Simon turned to see who had come in. His eyes widened when he saw Annabelle. “Oh my god,” she said when she realized it was him, but her look of surprise faded quickly. “Yeah, that makes more sense,” she said under her breath. “I’m sorry, I’m gonna-” she pointed behind her and retreated.

Simon didn’t move for a moment, frozen in shock. “I- I should probably go talk to her.”

“I understand.” They were still in each other’s arms. Neither wanted to let go. “You know, on my way here, I thought perhaps we'd only... talk.” Simon rolled his eyes. If, for some reason, this entire relationship consisted only of Spring Awakening references, he would be entirely okay with it.

“So are you sorry we…” It felt odd for Simon to shift into his out-and-proud on-stage persona. But to see Jeremy smile like that… yeah, it was worth it.

“No I- I love you Hanschen. As I have never loved anyone.”

Simon grinned cockily. “And so you should.”  

They fell into another kiss, but Simon pulled away. “I think we should do our scene how it was written. If you’re okay with it.”

“I- yeah, but Ward said-”

“Screw what Ward said,” Simon said, stepping back and crossing his arms. “The whole point of that play was to show how shielding kids from things that are controversial is damaging. Censoring this stuff… it just defeats what Wedekind was trying to say. So I think we should perform the original script. All of us. I think we need to make a statement.”

Jeremy was smiling with a certain giddiness that made Simon’s insides melt. He reached in and gave Simon a gentle kiss. “Okay, what did you have in mind?”

As the opening curtain neared by mere minutes, the anxiety between the cast and crew was permeable. Tonight would either go incredibly or horribly. No in between. 

Lilette took her place on the stage. The lights adjusted and the music started.

"Mama who bore me

Mama who gave me

No way to-" her voice broke off. 

She gave a nervous laugh. "I'm sorry, everyone. It's just... something's not right." 

The lights went up and she walked to the top of the stage, and the entirety of the cast and crew gathered behind her, minus Maashous and a few other assorted crew members. "We can't do this show the way you want us to. Or, the way the PTA wants us to. We refuse. And we want to be clear that our directors, Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe were in no way involved with this decision. We came to this by ourselves. Tonight, we will perform the original version of Spring Awakening. You can leave, or you can stop us, but we refuse to perform a show that so blatantly disregards the playwright's message." 

Robbie stepped forward. "We get it. This show is wild. It has all this crazy stuff that makes people uncomfortable, but that's what the dude who wrote it wanted. The show ends with Moritz and Wendla dead because the adults in their lives who were supposed to teach them and protect them only wanted to shield them from the realities that they were all facing. These things you want us to cut… they’re realities that we face.” 

Simon piped up. "Boys kiss boys."

Sasha jumped in. “Teenagers get pregnant.” 

“Kids get abused," someone shouted from the back. Maashous. 

"We fucking curse," someone else chimed in. 

"People have sexual fantasies.”

"People have sex.”

"Teens masturbate." 

"Some people have sadistic thoughts.” 

Robbie started talking again. “The whole point of this show is that people got hurt because no one would talk to them about these things. So if you really read this and thought that censoring was the best way to go, then, shit, man, I think you need to read it again.” Supportive hoots and claps cheered from across the cast, crew, and audience.

Lilette cleared her throat. "We refuse to censor what makes the show so real, what gives the show its purpose. Thank you. And now, we give you Spring Awakening." 

The cast and crew dispersed back behind the curtains, and Lilette took her proper place on the stage as the lights readjusted. She reached down and pulled at the hem. It gave away easily, ripping off a bottom strip of the dress. Earlier, one of the other girls helped her hem the dress back to the original length. They’d added an extra bit of fabric that was held loosely by just a few stitches for her to remove on stage.

She made a point of dropping the strip of white fabric on the ground, and took a deep breath. She was waiting for the lights to go back up, or off completely, or for someone to run up on stage and tell them to stop. But the music started. It was showtime.

A/N umm this wasn’t even proofread lolll sorry not sorry 

[booklust]

Futurelit Vol 5: Grace Byron

This time around, I had the absolute pleasure of chatting with Grace Byron, the Brooklyn-based columnist, writer and filmmaker and all-around brilliant, benevolent creative spirit whose recent book release party for NB Carrie Bradshaw (read it here via Epigraph Mag!) at Babycastles solidified my love for her and her work. 

This interview was the first time I had the opportunity to conduct a classic interview over the phone instead of over text chat, or as I like to call it for reasons I’d gladly explain to you over a glass of wine, “The Tony Hawk Method.”

This resulted in a truly gorgeous conversation that flows synaptically and always takes surprising directions (Twin Peaks, the afterlife, and a tender moment involving Coldplay that occurs towards the end---when you see it then you’ll understand!). It also brought me right back to the days at my editorial internship where I would transcribe hours of interviews, but in a good way this time. I took great pains to not only get the content and diction right, but to convey the undertones of our exchange that made it so vibrant. Which, interestingly enough, makes it take on the visual form of a text chat.

Check out our conversation at the jump, with gorgeous illustrations by Becky Ebben:

You do a column called “Trans Monogamist” for the Bushwick Daily (I binged that…it’s really dope) and your latest project is NB Carrie Bradshaw (which is out now!). So I’m curious, what sort of came first: your interest in the format of an advice columnist/relationship columnist,  or your love of Carrie Bradshaw?

Actually--I didn’t start watching Sex and the City until January 2017, which everyone is sort of super surprised by, and honestly? Me fucking too. Not that it’s a perfect show, but the aesthetic signals that it’s something that I should have seen a long time ago. It took me a long time to get to it. I had heard a lot of the negative stuff, which there is a lot of, and rightfully so. There’s this one terrible bisexual episode where Carrie’s just like, “I just don’t know….he’s bi .” And I’m just like… “Girl, so what.” The point is, the column writing came sort of naturally. I had a column a few years ago at my paper called Queer Art Vibes before I had even seen Sex and the City. And I was mostly writing about art, and capitalism, artists, and things I was finding interesting aesthetically. The last column that I wrote was after I had a break-up, and it was called “How To Date an Anarchist.”

Oh my God

And it got like, no comments. Because most of the columns that I was writing were about trans identity and stuff. I got all these comments like, “Why can’t people just make up their minds about gender?” And I’m just like, that’s completely irrelevant to what I’m talking about. So this column got no comments at all. There’s this huge anarchist population at Indiana University. It just closed down this month, but we had this huge anarchist bookstore that was this huge draw for the punk scene.

It was a column that didn’t make sense for where I was writing. But then as I was watching Sex and the City, and as I was doing a lot more dating my last year in college, I was thinking “yeah, this is really important to talk about.” And I started thinking of dating as a political and aesthetic and emotional practice. It’s more using this pop culture phenomenon to let people understand something about what it’s like to be trans and dating. It’s not like it’s me and my three friends that are all going through the same things. Or it’s not like me and my straight girlfriends talking about how our experiences are different. Or me and someone who is nonbinary even talking about how it’s different for both of us. But I do like that element of friendship in it, that element of comradery.  But I think it’s interesting now that shows act like there’s this group of 4 friends and they’re all the same. And that was never my experience? You know, there’s always a nonbinary person, a lesbian person, and...maybe a straight man.

LOL the token straight

Right. At least that’s my college experience, where I’ve never had a group of friends that were all the same. There were always at least one other gay or queer person. It’s a helpful lens to think about dating, and think about dating how much it’s changed since the early 2000s. A column is a dispatch from the front lines, like “this is what happened this month! How’s it going with you?” The book [NB Carrie Bradshaw] has a little bit of a more narrative arc to it. But in the columns, there’s no resolution. -----keep reading below------

Right, and that’s what I like about it. There’s endless thinkpieces about dating apps, queer dating, etc, and it’s so frustratingly depersonalized. It’s very strange how the discourse tries to force dystopia instead of actually having a comprehensive view of how people feel. There’s a lot more truth in the way that you present dating than how someone tries to dissect it in a thinkpiece.

Yeah, thinkpieces are weird. I love to read them, but I also don’t know how helpful they are a lot of the time. Especially when they try to draw a definitive statement. In some things, sure, that makes sense.

Like in a college thesis, where you’re forced to come to a resolution for your life, pretty much.

What was your experience working at a college newspaper?

Basically, I came to college, and I was on the media floor--and basically what I thought that meant was cross-genre. But in reality, what it meant was journalism. And then I thought, you know, okay, it’s fine. I thought it was interesting. And so I almost went to join the newspaper as a writer and interviewer, I did a few articles. But a rule was that if you were a writer for them, you couldn’t be interviewed. And that was my biggest problem with it--I knew I wanted to do art. I knew that I wanted to get press. I didn’t want to prevent that from happening.

Right after I came out my freshman year, this guy on my floor was like, “do you want to talk about being gay at IU?” And I was like uh….sure! It was weird because it was my first time being interviewed for something real, and I was talking about being gay. But I was also trying to sneak a pitch for my website while doing it, I was like...go watch it! They promptly cut that out of the interview, though.

Good effort, tho.

I didn’t love that environment. I wasn’t taken with it. I started volunteering at a local radio station where I did stories about lots of things. That was much more interesting and fulfilling than the college newspaper. And my friend was like, “do you want to be columnist--we need one.” Not because I was special or anything, because they really needed one. And I was like, “sure.” So I started writing these extremely leftist columns, like “capitalism is the devil, and here’s why : )”

And I wrote one that was like, “nudity in art isn’t porn,” which isn’t even an extreme opinion. But I started getting all of these comments like, “Counterpoint: nudity in art isn’t not porn.” I was just like wow, I can tell that you really read this column….

People just read titles a lot of times.

Yeah for sure. Our campus was filled with a lot of views of all extremes, and not just anarchists. We also had a militant white supremacist population on campus. There were a bunch of protests from that group over the course of years--it wasn’t just one year, or just this year, which was definitely the worse than the years before. I also got tons of hateful comments from white supremacist groups on my articles. So I was just one of the people on the receiving end of those comments.

But as far as my involvement in the newspaper group itself, I think I only attended one meeting. I didn’t really feel a sense of community at IU that a lot of people there felt. I think a lot of people looked down on what I did because it was so personal. It wasn’t like I was talking about music, or like I was talking about hard-hitting stories. So I wasn’t really a part of the “IU JOURNALISM COMMUNITY.” But it wasn’t like I really wanted to be. I would still sometimes get people who appreciated my work, that came up to me and said “I love this, I love what you’re doing,” but they were usually queer people.

Which is definitely the desired reaction, which is awesome. Talking about your webseries “Idle Cosmopolitan” -- what was your favorite audience, or your favorite venue that you showed it to? And what was that sort of reaction and vibe like?

I wasn’t at all of the screenings. It showed at Bloomington at Planet Nine--which is this small VHS rental/DVD rental video place that kind of reminds me of Ghost World or something. I wasn’t there, but a lot of my friends were there, since it was my home for so many years. I assume it went well. From the pictures, I saw that it went well, at least.

It showed at Sarah Lawrence, which I know very little about how that went. I wanted to be there, but I was scheduled at work. Which is a whole thing about how I’m not a full-time artist. I say that I’m a freelance artist, which means that I make MAYBE 50 bucks a month off of my art. If it’s a good month! So I can’t always go to everything that’s happening. It’s an interesting part about being an artist in this landscape. People expect you to be global, and there’s only so global you can be if you’re working class. Which I think is important to be transparent about. It’s not always fun to be transparent about that, but it’s important.

Exactly, you want to be honest about it, but you want to portray yourself as larger-than-life-to get attention, and at least the semblance of clout (whatever that fcking means). But being an artist, you’re a part of a community, and you want to treat that community well. You don’t want to stunt and act like you’re making a living off of your art when you’re not.

It’s not cool to lie one way or the other. It’s not cool to portray yourself as a poor person if you’re not, and I’m not super poor or anything, but I’m not living off of my artwork, and I make a decent living off of my work as a childcare worker. But yeah, you shouldn’t lie because you’re fooling yourself and making art seem elitist.

There’s the lie by omission, in a way. A lot of people are internet famous, or have a certain persona that makes people say “Oh, I want to be like this person, who so clearly lives off of their artwork.” When in reality, it’s probably a side hustle at best.

Or they live with their parents. Or they have rich parents.

It distorts people’s dreams and plans--it’s important to be responsible about that.

Totally. One show I was at physically was at Secret Project Robot, at this festival of poets, and my videos were showing between poets that were reading their work. So that was interesting---I was the only video artist at the show. And as many things as I have tried--I have written poems, but I’ve never called myself a “poet.” So I thought that was kind of cool to have that multimedia experience, to see my videos projected really large in front of a big crowd of 20 or 30 people. Which doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s actually a lot. I remember thinking wow, the crowds are gonna be so big in New York. And they are! But 20 or 30 people is a lot for DIY art. Even if you’re successful, or internet famous--it’s hard to gather a crowd wherever you are.

And it was really cool because people who were actually in the video got to see it, which was cool! Chariot is in it, and he was there, so that’s cool.

There was one livestream and q&a in the UK, which was really cool. And that was my favorite, because the moderator was super smart and always asked good question about the fantasy genre, and its intersections with queerness. It was refreshing instead of questions like-- “Why are you gay? Why is this here?” It was a good convo to have beyond the surface level.

It’s awesome that I saw so many showings of your series was in Indianapolis, in Indiana. You may not see a big crowd--DIY art isn’t an Ariana Grande concert--but What you do see is how it sort of transforms the room, and creates a living space, a community. 20 people is a community. Especially in Indiana.

Right, there’s very established artists and documentarians where the only place they have more than 20 people show up is in their hometowns. Even world-renowned documentarians may struggle to get an audience. Which is awful. But I think that one thing that is happening in the real world is that there are plenty of people I look up to, who are famous, whose twitter gets pretty very few likes! And they may have a huge amount of followers! And I’m like--why am I getting more likes than world-renowned feminist scholars? I think that’s happening in real life too. These people are having talks and showings of their work and sometimes DIY work is a different experience and maybe draws more people than these professional pieces, and there’s a community of people who can see themselves in that as artists.

I agree, it definitely changes the dynamic for people are used to when it comes to art, you think there’s the artist and this huge invisible wall and then there’s the observer, and it breaks down that dynamic.

Right, it changes the power dynamic. The artist isn’t a preacher.  What we’ve seen in DIY venues is, everybody is sitting in chairs. The artist is in the front, but everyone is on the same level. There isn’t a stage to walk down from.

I think people are only starting to observe this change, and aren’t sure what to call it yet. Some people see changes like this as the death of something, like the death of some kind of empire of how art works. But especially with this project, I think I’ve not only been an optimist, but a realist in the sense that it’s for the better. So many people are screaming “death to media! Death to print!” and I’m just over here like, “You’re a Baby Boomer, please don’t talk to me.”

Ha! Right. These media aren’t dead, but they’re definitely dying. But I think they’re going to be dying for a while to come. People broadcasting the death of all of these things---like, they’re not dead yet. The Met is gonna be in trouble, but the Met is gonna be around for the next 100 years. The Met’s not just gonna crumble.

Going back to “Idle Cosmopolitan”--I love how it’s a series of very short films. And by short, I mean like, slightly longer than a Vine length. And some people may come across that and immediately compare the series to Vine culture, but my immediate thought was comparing it to poetry, with a lot of tightly-wound content being fit into a small space. So I was wondering how poetry influences your visual work, or how visual work influences your poetry, etc.

That’s interesting. I actually originally applied to go to college for poetry. I never called myself a poet, but I did think about it for a while. When I do write poetry, it’s usually about nature, and viewing nature through the lens of divinity and power dynamics. Which I think is definitely a big part of my video work. The “Queer World” in my piece is a forest. Somebody was talking to me recently, and said that “I think it’s interesting that the queer world is a forest. Do you think of urban spaces as, like, not-as-queer spaces?” I hadn’t really thought about that. But whenever I think of that sort of the afterlife, I don’t think of cities. And what’s our other option, really? Nature. An ocean would be a terrifying destination for the afterlife. I think that poetry is super important, I think when I’m writing anything, I tend towards a lyrical, poetic style. I love hard facts, but I was never super into Hemingway. I always loved the Great Gatsby. Not that I like showy, hyper-stylized stuff; I hated the Great Gatsby movie. But the suggestion of artifice, the suggestion of things like that, I think is really interesting.

There’s ton of talk about heaven and nature and sin in “Idle Cosmopolitan.” I’m sure it comes from a long line of being raised in Christianity, and having read all of the Christian classics. And as a kid, I was obsessed with the apocalypse. Once, I was between 6-9 I remember looking at clocks in restaurants and thinking, “Could this be the hour of the end?” I remember being super into Revelations, and the ghost stories that my friends and I would tell each other, and often confusing them as the same thing.

I think that’s a form of poetry true, a strange, mental form of poetry. I think the afterlife is poetic, because there’s no concrete that you can provide.

I think in terms of modality, I think I’m always writing in the form of the poetic, even if I’m not writing a poem. Even my column--it’s not a how-to column, it’s not a safari.

It’s not MTV Cribs!

Right! Definitely more reflections.

I always thought of videos sort of in musician terms, like “this is my new album---Idle Cosmopolitan.” This is the tracklist, and each has a poetic name, etc. And each year, there’s a self-image overhaul….well, there’s no image overhaul for me this year, but especially in college I was into that idea, where I wanted to amp myself up every year.

But this iteration, for me, was trying to marry these poetic ideals with my own lived experiences, to make it sort of autobiographical, but still have a flourish. I mean, I was watching Twin Peaks when I was working on it.

Yeah, I can definitely see that influence in there. Where there’s that magic-realism, but it’s so mundane. The suspension of disbelief is so well-dissolved into it.

Right as I was starting to write this, I just finished the season of Veronica Mars---I’m not sure if it directly influenced it…

But it was there

Yeah, and watching Twin Peaks: the Return. What I thought was interesting about it was its formal elements. There was this sort of suspension of disbelief present for both the characters and the audience. So then you’re just like, “Yeah, queer spirits! That makes sense!” So, it’s that magic realism that is super appealing. And also the fact that it’s episodic. One of the things about David Lynch that I’m really into is the episodic nature of his work. There’s this loose play with time and narrative, and it’s an experience.

I think what Lynch talks a lot about, especially in later seasons, is agency. But in Sex and the City, for example--Carrie isn’t a bad person, but she’s not necessarily a good person either. She has affairs, runs around doing whatever she wants, she tries to take a break from dating and has a guilt complex where she feels bad about her actions, and also places guilt on other people--it’s complex, which I think is interesting.

Like chaotic neutral, but a little more complex than that?

Yeah, definitely. I’m obsessed with people who are chaotic neutral. I don’t think I’m chaotic neutral, but I’m fascinated by that those people exists.

I’m a super-intense Virgo, Type A, Blair Waldorf type. I definitely pride myself on hard work--which could be problematic--but I have that crawl-my-way-to-the-top sort of vibe.

This character in the webseries, they’re sort of neutral. They’re a relationship writer, but it doesn’t seem like a main part of their personhood. The only thing that they seem mad about is when their boyfriend breaks up with them, which is fair. But they don’t seem to be making many choices, and there’s something very sidekick about that.

I was in this space in my life where I was having to make all these intense decisions--deciding to move to New York, having to make all of these choices about who I wanted to be as a person. The character is the exact opposite, where there’s no movement. There’s a movement in narrative, a movement in place, but it kind of happens to them.

They get a letter, a pep talk from Fate--and they’re just like, “Sure, whatever, I don’t care.” Then they enter the queer world, and they’re like “Alright.” And then the Blue Spirit is the one who was like, “No, this wasn’t actually a good choice.” And they’re like, “Okay, sure.” They never really doubt people’s motives.

There’s a sort of guilt about making choices that Type A people have. Inevitably, if you’re a type A perosn, you’re going to hurt people. Even if you’re not actually hurting them, you’re going to make choices, and choices affect people. There’s winners and losers. So what does it mean for the sort of stoner archetype, this chaotic neutral archetype, when they don’t make choices?

I’ve never been a chill person, so I gravitate towards writing characters that are like that. Because I’m always wondering….what does that feel like?

Right! I feel like it takes a lot of effort to be chill, which isn’t chill. It’s kind of a self-consuming concept. I’m not gonna say it’s the only real binary, but…

Haha, right! Ok back to influences. Actually, as far as the soundtrack goes, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback where people say it reminds them of Sex and the City, and that it’s derivative. Actually, one person said that the soundtrack reminds them of Rugrats….

Stop!!!

Right!? Well, it’s jazz, but it’s sort of this chaotic jazz.

It’s a typical theme song in a lot of ways, but it’s disarming. Which I like.

Some people said it makes them anxious.

It offsets the perceived chill in the series, which signals you to look harder.

Watching it back, I was like...something is wrong. Narratively, there’s something up. But I’m not sure if that thing ever gets hashed out or resolved, it just sort of hangs like a dark cloud.

Which is what’s so great about poetry. There’s always that lack of resolution. People always get angry at that, where they want to feel satisfied...where’s the sequel at??

Do they get the girl or not??

Yeah! It’s how we’re taught to view life. But especially with creative people, it’s paradoxical--they only thing that makes them (us) feel satisfied is poetry, that sort of form that leaves things unresolved.

Totally.

How has the internet shaped your writing?

The internet is definitely fucked up. It was created by the military, and is now owned by billionaires. That’s already strike one. But let’s assume that the internet is also provides a space that provides more access for more people. But it doesn’t provide equal access for everybody. It provides equal access for a relatively small amount of people. You have to afford a computer, internet access--and even if you go to the library, you have to afford to be there.

But let’s say it does level the playing field in that way---even still, people don’t have more of a chance of getting their art noticed because of it. It does mean more people can put their stuff out there, but it doesn’t guarantee more viewers, or more fans, or some utopia.

The internet has become this neoliberal promise of equality. This reveals itself in every aspect---who dominates media, who dominates internet celebrity, etc. This doesn’t discount the fact that there’s fantastic DIY spaces based on the internet, but there’s a lot being overlooked.

The internet as a structure is racist, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic. Even if we go back to technology like photography, for example, it was a technology developed to best depict white faces. It’s so great that the internet creates a platform for people, but that includes creating platforms for neo-nazis on 4chan, for alt-righters to doxx people. The web is pretty fucked up, and it amplifies our greatest strengths, like community. Especially the trans community, which is so important. But it also amplifies our problems, and reveals where we need to grow.

I don’t think the internet is the devil, but I think it makes it harder for people to feel like human beings. It mirrors capitalism, and degrades human beings in so many ways where we’re expected to become a brand, which is always tied to capitalism. We’re forced to reduce ourselves to something bite-sized, which is troubling me as a person and as an artist.

When did u start writing and being creative?

I was always drawing. I was super into Pokemon and all the Nintendo games. I was into anything cute and well-designed, like Zelda, and anything involving world-building. I was super into maps, and at a young age, I thought, “I wanted to do that.”

At a young age, I wanted to be a pop star. And I made the boys in the neighborhood be my band. Now I’m thinking that was sort of a strong signal of me being gay, haha. Boys---you’re gonna be in this band, and I’m gonna sing Breakout by Miley Cyrus.

I started getting really into bands. I was really into Coldplay, and I wanted to be Chris Martin.

STOP, ME TOO

I really liked “Clocks.”

ME TOO, when I first heard that, I was like, Now….that’s what I call music.

I also really liked “Lovesong” by Sara Bareilles, which is entirely different, but I was also like...that’s what I call music. Also Paramore and Deathcab, and I was like…..this is also Music. I still love all this stuff

I still listen to all this stuff pretty much on the regular, even though I laugh about it Yeah! And at the time, all of these things were coded as feminine. Even Coldplay, which was, not a boyband, but kind of more healing.

Right, like ~emotional boys~, ~soft boys~, this sort of soft masculinity before it was talked about and memed.

I went from wanting to be a popstar, to wanting to be in bands, to wanting to do comics, and then I was like...I want to be painter! I did a lot of paintings, and then I wanted to be an actor. I was fixated on stardom, on theater. I was in all the plays of my freshman year.

Then I moved schools, and this guy who didn’t even like me and stopped talking to me, but I liked him---I wrote this psycho-opera about him. It was all songs about him, and it was super awkward. I recorded an album about him. He started being nice to me, and then I was just like…...here’s an album…

I was like, that was fun, but then I started to getting into Wes Anderson. And Woody Allen, but #WORST. And then Godard, which was better. Then I started making movies. And I saw 30 Rock, and it confirmed what I wanted to do.

I love how you go from Godard to 30 Rock

I know!! I was very all over the map. Then I started watching more experimental films and wild stuff, so it’s been a journey to where I’m at now.

The wrapping up portion, something I ask at the end of every interview...this is actually the first interview I’ve done that’s over the phone, an actual physical conversation. And the form of how I’ve conducted each interview has really affected it.

How would you describe the future of literature in a tweet-length? Or a sort of verbal tweet length, also tweets are longer now so….yeah….

Smaller.

[rironomind]

GS Artists Rec List

I told @the-nysh I would do this so I did. I’m just here to shamelessly promote my favs.  If you want to binge on art, trawl Pixiv and bookmarks. If you want daily art, follow the artists’ Twitter, or @GSnightfight. 

Sidenote: It is strange to know that some of the raunchiest stuff come from mums. 

(Artists under the cut!)

Kinako [Pixiv] [Twitter]- Protec. Their comic strips are so cute and good. Like this one here and an ongoing one on Twitter. I don’t really understand it but it seems like Genos drank a memory loss chemical to forget about how he couldn’t really love Saitama but then ended up in a relationship with him anyway? He calls just calls Saitama “Saitama”, it’s very bittersweet because he regrets drinking it. (Full thread here)

Yutani [Pixiv] - They do doujins, including one where Genos turns into a white wolf and one where Saitama gets double-teamed by devil!Genos and bunny!Genos.

Lisa [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Have I mentioned lately how much I love Lisa? I’ve been following her ever since she did “The person who makes you happy/Happy people” (Part 1/Part 2). She just did an omegaverse doujin too. Her style is a bit anatomically questionable but they look soft and blushy and muscley and romantic so I’m into it. She’s also done a couple of fake movie posters that’s also very tender. ^3^ (Also, nice try Lisa, I know you draw gratuitous bottom!Genos porn on a separate Twitter account.)

Nano [Pixiv] [Twitter] [Tumblr] - Soft, round egg. They did a doujin where Saitama gets fucked while wearing a dress as well as this really nice sfw doujin about Genos realising he likes Saitama. And who could forget this iconic fake twitter video. (Also they’re on tumblr! Please show them more love)

Polon [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Soft watercolour style, lithe muscley egg illustrations in sexy (and funny) poses and outfits. Loads of lovely short R18 comics. One of my favs is in here where Saitama’s cum is turned into Cookies and Cream flavour by a monster and this one where Saitama gets a bad fan letter and needs some TLC. They also have cat!sensei and dog!Genos versions which are super cute. Cat!Sensei is very chubby (it’s in their icon!).

Oikkodeth [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Yall better recognise. Mainly R18 doujins and puts out one every event (that’s like 5 times a year or more). They’ve covered the whole range: hanahaki, Little Red Riding Hood, human torso!Genos and more. Anatomy is a bit stiff but they’re so proficient.

Mido [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Korean but translates her comics to Japanese. Expressive, cute, clean comic style.

Akiyama [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Yall better fucking R E C O G N I S E. They, along with asamizu and a few others, have been posting since 2013. They churn out doujins like a machine and even has their own category in the doujin store, their books took up half a shelf. Consistently cute, punchy dialogue and doesn’t deal with drama. But you don’t need me to tell you. (Look at this though!!)

Hoyu [Pixiv] [Twitter] - You guys remember the sausage pillow comic? Do you like spit, licking, kinks and softcore yandere Genos? You’re gonna love Hoyu. Also, she knows loads of people? I always see her in the comments on twitter. Very skinny boys and twisted love, a new and interesting sketchy style.

Akiko [Pixiv] [Twitter] - A very girly and attentive waifu top!Genos and a tired Saitama. Puts out a comic strip almost every day? #blessed. (Sensei, please be sweet to me!) Doesn’t do R18 very often.

Oishigeru [Pixiv] - Does only doujins, maybe twice a year? Most, if not all are R18 and Saitama always looks vaguely worried. i like Even If mostly because it’s the only one I read all the way through and it’s about insecurities of a relationship. There was another doujin about Genos/Two Saitamas. Does introspective egg very well so I’m immediately biased. Doesn’t post art on twitter so I’m not including it.

Emochikaoya [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Yall already know I’m a massive fan of Kaoya’s work. Kinkwise, if you think of it, she’s probably drawn it. Super efficient, churns out minicomics once a week in between drawing her original comic (can’t stop the thirst, guys). I’m trying to get her to do more coloured illustrations so if you guys want to stroke her ego, I’ll pass it on. My favourite doujin of hers is ‘Who’ and it has hands-down The Best Egg Lecture. Probably one of the few artists who bother to translate to English (you’re welcome). I have a million things to say about her but it would turn into an essay so I’ll stop.

Minerux [Pixiv] [Twitter] - A member of the @GSNightFight challenge on Twitter. Uncertain and worried egg and supportive and very attentive borg. Check out “Curiousity” and “Red String” and a personal fav “Hold on”.

Dokimaru [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Her neko sensei is probably the most iconic. He has a sweatshirt with like 6 nipples? Iconic. they drew a hot springs doujin where Genos turned basically his whole body into a vibe and Saitama caused him to short circuit and blow out every fuse in the ryokan. They set off the fire sprinklers. This one ficart where Saitama gets double-teamed by two Genoses knocked me flat.

Mat [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mat?? Is so?? Good?? Ever think about how a look can break your heart? Egg is always tired and Genos is worried. Contact is very sweet and makes your heart twinge, and there’s another one they just released about Saitama being cursed with handcuffed hands

Hebitoriasu [Pixiv] [Twitter] - I’m not a big fan of the shading but I can see improvement. Mostly R18 doujins but they’re cute.

Tori/Saboten [Pixiv] [Twitter] - They have two major AUs - fem!Saitama (Nyotama) and Sabo-sensei - and they’re both amazing. Very good readability, very funny comics. If you’re not a fan of fem!Saitama, they have dedicated groups of art for nyotama. Of course my fav of their works is the one with all of Saitama and Genos’ dating problems and the one where Saitama is “Weak to ikemen (handsome guys)”.

Asamizu [Pixiv] - What kind of useless list would this be without Asamizu? Yeah they had their own category too on the doujin shelf. Very nice graphics, and they discuss relationship topics in a candid manner. Been drawing these boys for over 4 years! Mostly doujins. I also have to plug their game (visual novel) about Saitama endlessly repeating a week to try to get Genos to stop asking him out, it will probably last 10 hours. God they do love to ramble.

Toufumaru [Pixiv] - I’ll admit, I’m not a big fan of their recent work (sailor uniform sensei and sensei who wants to be held) but I really like Blue in Blue and Mellow Yellow which talk about Saitama’s non-existent emotions.

Nemunoki [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mainly R18 doujins. They’ve explored all manner of sexual situations and kinks. Outdoor sex, electricity, double penetration, tentacles, you name it. It’s all amazing. The perspective does throw me off though.

Untara [Pixiv] - Into switch but really likes bottom!Genos anyway. What can I say? Kinky, but hot.

Satoku [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Melancholy egg! Attentive Genos! Does mostly short comics but they’re so cute. Martyr Saitama is my jam!

Kamikoawakakyouko [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Interesting concepts. Recently released a comic that I consider to be the pinnacle of the OPM fandom because it’s Saitama having to consider the environmental/global impact of his strength and how that boils down to affect his everyday life.

Matabi [Pixiv] - Pretty much only doujins. Sensei has moobs and the boys are squishy and blushy. Also does quite a bit of rimming.

Sototuka [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mostly R18 illustrations with some nice shading but questionable garments. She drew this doujin with futa!Sensei and double-dick Genos. 

Hara Hara [Pixiv] - Saitama is the manic pixie dream girl you guys never thought would exist. Fashion model ingenue. Werk it, sensei. Permanent come hither. Seeing Saitama in dresses brings me life (even if he is super skinny).

Raoki [Pixiv] - Mainly R18 illustrations. I remembered she did sounding with Pocky.

Gmeko [Pixiv] - C U T E. Round and pastels. Soft with lots of TLC. Did a “(I’ll find you) Before the stars do” comic and a hair washing comic.

NICE BOON [Pixiv] - Korean who takes no shit. Fantastic fashion. Little to no BL but the concepts are all on pointe. Existential egg. Eggistential. Locked twitter.

Silver_mssk [Pixiv]  [Twitter] - locked account but if you managed to add her���really, really good eggistential portraits in a variety of scenes. Hilarious comics and a stone face Genos and flailing egg. Also lots of Mobuncle/Saitama scenarios? Which…tbh same.

Foo2333 [Twitter] - What if Saitama took part in enjo kosai (paid dating)? Bottom!Saitama, a soft and sexy egg desired by all. Listen, I don’t make the rules. 

Skaky21 [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mostly out of the fandom but dips in sometimes. Very polished shiny style. Not my cup of tea but it’s cute.

1200年丸 [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Now mostly BNHA but does OPM sometimes. Mostly SFW. This comic is cute.

ICHIKAZU [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Curly haired boyish Genos! Everyone’s crazy about her Apocaplyse!AU but I prefer her newest doujin where Saitama wins a camera and Genos uses it to take lots of pictures of his sensei.

Kaji Oyaji [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Wowowow so cute and pastel? Is everyone an angel? Am I dead? Soft and sweet. Saitama is like a fairy and Genos is in love. Imagine the embodiment of Spring.

Ginsky [Pixiv] - Chinese. They’ve moved on but boy those were some bright colours and expressive faces.

Tutu_en_f [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Soft romantic sketches. Feel very french but I’m only saying that because she is literally in France now.

COCONUT [Pixiv] - Korean. Fashionable (you see a trend?) Saigenos sketches. Young boyish Genos, manly egg.

Obachan [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Chibi comics. Still active and cute af.

Shiwasu [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Woah this egg is too cute for this world. Does short comics, draws sex but not especially ero. I like this one which is about Genos becoming able to read Saitama’s mind, first kiss (self explanatory) and Saitama losing his strength (R18).

Nyuton [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Active on Twitter. Posts a lot of speed-colouring videos. Nice sketchy feeling but with colour. Likes to borrow concepts from music videos.

Mochi [Pixiv] - Crudely-drawn gag comics with a humour on par with ONE’s. Please, they’re so good. This one opens up with both of them wearing The Dress.

Shout out to starjr_major who is currently in Golden Kamui hell but used to draw some really amazingly cute Saitama.

[reykenobbi]

i had,,,a really weird dream,

[gwynnew]

Mark Hamill Remembers Carrie Fisher, Says 'Episode VIII' Will 'Have Air of Melancholy It Doesn't Deserve'

No one understands fan culture on the same level as Mark Hamill. The Star Wars star, who will reprise his role as Luke Skywalker in the upcoming Episode VIII, holds a unique position as both the object of fan idolization and an avid, dyed-in-the-wool pop-culture obsessive. On his new web series, Mark Hamill’s Pop Culture Quest (available at Comic-Con HQ), Hamill seeks out fellow memorabilia collectors, giving viewers an up-close look at such treasure troves as the DC Comics archive and Bob Burns’s movie prop collection. Inevitably, he encounters touchstones from his own past, including the original Return of the Jedi lightsaber (now in the collection of Prop Store’s Brendan Allinger — watch the clip below). Pop Culture Quest is a delightful binge watch for geeks of any stripe (there are even car and sneaker collectors in the mix) — though every passing glimpse of a Princess Leia doll now brings to mind the heartbreaking loss of Carrie Fisher, Hamill’s longtime friend and co-star. Hamill spoke with Yahoo Movies about losing Fisher, aging along with Star Wars, and the joys of bonding with fellow pop-culture nerds.

Watch Mark Hamill reunite with his ‘Return of the Jedi’ lightsaber in a clip from ‘Pop Culture Quest.’

Pop Culture Quest seems like a natural extension of this role that you’ve taken on as a sort of ambassador to fan culture. How did that end up happening? I think it just was a natural progression, because I was a Famous Monsters Magazine kid. I loved reading about science fiction and fantasy. My favorite movie as a kid was, and probably still is, the 1933 King Kong. So I think the fans understand that I’m one of them. I’m not a poseur. I was going to these conventions before I ever worked with George Lucas. When I was in college I saw in the college newspaper they were showing silent films like Metropolis and M, films that I’d read a lot about, at the Ambassador Hotel at the [comics] convention, and that started it all up, because I went for the films and then I started seeing all these comics I had as a kid. And it got me into that whole scene.

You know, there’s a collector’s item out there — I was on a soap opera one time and one of the actors who came in to do a storyline arc was Kerwin Mathews, who played Sinbad in The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, and I just freaked out! I was so excited. I was just peppering him with questions all day long about Ray Harryhausen and the skeleton fight, and he was really a sweet guy but he said, “Mark, I really have to concentrate on this scene, there’s so many lines. If you want to talk about this, we should get together outside of work.” So I said, “Oh yeah, great, can I bring a tape recorder?” So we got together over the weekend and I spoke to him for a few hours. And I don’t remember how it happened, but it wound up being printed in a fan zine called FXRH: Film Effects by Ray Harryhausen. And this would have been, like, ’72 I’m guessing. It’s gotta be a collector’s item — I have a copy somewhere, I haven’t seen it in god knows how long; I don’t know where it is.

But that’s sort of my thoughts as to why I’ve sort of gone and taken on that de facto role as ambassador for nerd-dom. Because you know, I was always the one that was most excited about the merchandising aspect. Harrison and Carrie didn’t really care — Carrie got a kick out of some of the stuff, Harrison was his usual eye-roll and aloof self. I’d be the one that would come running in saying, “Hey you guys, I’m a mask on the back of Frosted Flakes!” or whatever it was. [Laughs]

Carrie did collect some Star Wars merchandise. I just watched the HBO documentary about her and Debbie Reynolds — Oh yeah, I’m not ready. Did she have a lot of Princess Leia stuff?

She had the life-sized animated Princess Leia statue that we saw in the episode of Pop Culture Quest where you visited [the toy company] Gentle Giant. She called it a sex doll. [Laughs] Well she had a wonderful collection of really oddball things. I remember how — you know, she’s the queen of impulse buying. We were at kind of a flea market situation in London on one of our days off, this was back on the first film, and she saw these, the seven dwarves — not statues, but they were cut-outs, like fiberboard. I don’t know, they might have been used in a movie theater when the movie first played. And she just immediately said, “Oh, I’ll take them!” And I thought, “Wow.” First of all, it was so impractical. And I loved the fact that she liked it, she got it, and she didn’t even think about, “Where am I going to display these things?” Well of course they’re on her wall now, in her house in the canyons.

You know I still think of her very much in present tense. It’s hard to accept that she’s not with us anymore.

Your lives have always been entwined in this very unique way — Exactly.

You shared an experience with her that other people don’t have any reference for. [Pause] It’s true. Well you know, I don’t know. It’s sort of cast a pall on — I mean, I thought, Episode VIII will have an air of melancholy about it that it doesn’t need or deserve. And I thought, selfishly, I just wanted her around because she was so much fun to be with. Now, there were long gaps where I didn’t see her for years. As I told Billie [Lourd], her daughter, if it weren’t for us going back and doing the new films, I would have been robbed of getting back with her and reestablishing contact. Because I mean, we’d talk on the phone or my wife would go over and get charity items signed. But as often happens with friends, you must know yourself, “Oh, we’ve got to get together!” You say that and years go by. But in this case, we were able to get back together. And I think she found it comforting, because I was a constant in the fact that I didn’t really change and she could rely on me and she could confide in me.

And we both had trepidations about coming back — like, is this the right thing to do? I mean, it should be about the young generation. We had our fears. But she was really candid about the fact that, you think it’s hard for men to age in this business, it’s ten times worse for women. Where they feel like they’re not useful after 50, which is crazy! I don’t know. It was wonderful to see her be able to reemerge the way she did.

Related: Mark Hamill on Playing With the ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Ball Droid and Singing for ‘Elf’

It seemed like it meant a lot to her to be able to show people that she could age and still be Princess Leia.  That’s the thing, too. We had the pro and con columns as to whether to come back or not, and I thought, one of the things in the pro column is the fact that young people will be able to see us as we are, and the natural aging process. Because you have these 6-year-olds being goaded on by their parents who are much more excited than the kids are, pushing them towards me going, “Look who it is! It’s Luke Skywalker!” And you’d look at this 6-year-old and he’d be aghast, because he saw Star Wars and thought it was made two weeks ago, and he’s looking at me and thinking, “Oh my god, this guy really let himself go.” [Laughs] So it’s healthy. I think it’s nice for people to see us as we are.

I told my 9-year-old son I was going to talk to you, and he said, “I’m wondering if he’s going to be active in the next movie. Because at the end of The Force Awakens, it looked like he hadn’t done anything in a while.” I think he’s worried you’re going to pull a muscle. [Laughs] Oh yeah, yeah, I know. Plus just the way I’m this isolated hermit, you expect me to pull the hood down and say, “Get off my lawn!”

Are we ever going to get to see your collection on Pop Culture Quest? Well, that’s an interesting thought. It’s sort of all over the place in terms of what I collect, and really, I look at the show as a way to extend my collecting. Because my wife was saying, “Look, there’s no more room anywhere.” We ended up getting storage space an hour and a half from our house, which is ridiculous. I mean, as I was closing the door I’m thinking, “I’m never gonna see this stuff again! Why am I even bothering?” So this is a way for me to keep the feeling of collecting alive in my life, because I’m looking at other people’s things. But I sure would think about showing some of what I have, if we do more episodes.

I love that you have a puppet sidekick, by the way. I wanted somebody to talk to! You know what, I wanted a real kid at one point. I thought, we should get a real kid who’s a collector. But then you get into, you know, his availability and the hours and what I’m saying was, it seemed to me that it was more of a logistical thing. And I loved the idea of having this little guy but never acknowledging that he is a puppet. He’s very real to me, what can I say, Gwynne?

‘Pop Culture Quest’ (Comic-Con HQ)

And voiced by Greg the Bunny himself, Dan Milano! Dan Milano, exactly, who’s from Greg the Bunny and Warren the Ape, which I’m telling you, was one of my favorite comedies ever. And I’m always sorry when things I like go away. I feel like I’m a jinx. And I don’t get over them very quickly. I’m still mad they canceled Square Pegs 30 years ago! [Laughs] You know, everything I like gets canceled.

I think a lot of fans feel that way. We take things personally. Exactly.

Related: The ‘Star Wars’ Cantina Scene: The Out-of-This-World Story Behind the Galaxy’s Favorite Dive Bar

You talked in one of the episodes about how collecting is so different than it used to be — you can go on eBay and search for things you used to have to find at flea markets or swap meets. Do you think the kind of collecting that you’re documenting has a future? For me, part of it is the thrill of the hunt: Knowing there’s an item out there that you haven’t seen, it’s like Ahab looking for the white whale. But nowadays, the internet makes it much more convenient, but for some reason the challenge is dissipated. I just don’t want to turn into that cranky old guy that says [cranky old man voice] “You know in my day, we actually had to go to flea markets and garage sales!” But it’s true. That was part of the fun. And what I love is finding out the people behind the collections. Like I looked at the breakdowns and I said, “Are we really going to do a show about collecting shoes? I mean, who cares?” [laughs]

And that turned out to be a really fascinating collection! Well he turned out to be a really interesting guy, and when you hear these stories — anybody who collects anything can relate to the mentality, regardless of what the item is. You don’t have to be a Barbie and Ken collector to understand the person who’s been looking for this one specific item for twenty years. It’s a universal feeling. So hopefully, since collecting has made me happy over the years, making a show about collecting will make others happy as well.

You have just the one son?

I have a 9-year-old son and a 1-year-old daughter. Oh my gosh. I, of course, am desperately jonesing for grandchildren. I went to see the Peanuts movie and my wife didn’t want to see it, and I said to my daughter, we should go borrow some kids! And we did — we found a 5- and a 7-year-old that were a friend’s of ours, and when we went to the theater I thought, “Wow, they might not even know who these characters are!” As it turns out, they hadn’t heard of any of them, but they loved the movie. And the parents don’t let them watch very much television, so I emailed them when A Charlie Brown Christmas was on TV. [Laughs] So keeping things alive for future generations, that’s another aspect of the show.

My son got a Snoopy Sno Cone Machine for Christmas, so that’s still around. Oh, wonderful! I love that — the Easy Bake Oven, the snow cone maker, anything where you wind up with a little treat at the end has gotta be a great collectible.

[kidsviral-blog]

The Misery Of Being Rich, White, And Married On TV

New Post has been published on https://kidsviral.info/the-misery-of-being-rich-white-and-married-on-tv/

The Misery Of Being Rich, White, And Married On TV

How HBO’s Togetherness is the apotheosis of hipster family awfulness.

View this image ›

Jaimie Trueblood / HBO

There was a disturbance in the force last night. Did you feel it? As if millions of voices cried out, and then were silenced? That was the sound of average American viewers, wailing and weeping into their hands over the tragic plight of the hip L.A. parents on HBO’s Togetherness. That poor couple! Michelle (Melanie Lynskey) and Brett (Mark Duplass) didn’t feel like frolicking with their adorable children in their million-dollar restored Craftsman, and they didn’t feel like having sex with each other under an 800-thread-count sheet in a boutique hotel room, either. No, they wanted to be back at home, binge-watching House of Cards on their big-screen TV. Or better yet, flirting with strangers on the street or sucking tequila shots out of nubile young belly buttons somewhere. But, oh no, they can’t do stuff like that anymore, because they’re over 35 and married! Surrounded by cute children and grassy lawns and flanked by a schlubby buddy (Steve Zissis) and a tacky (see also: non-L.A.-hipster) sister (Amanda Peet), all they can see is darkness and regret. Did I mention that their local elementary school is not very good, either? Life is so cruel to upper-middle-class white people!

Welcome to the aging-hipster-parent dramedy, an awkward affair in which a gaggle of grumpy, spoiled humans endlessly curse the gods for the interminable sorrows and frustrations of their cushy domesticated existences. There have been plenty of shows recently to walk down this angsty middle-aged road — FX’s Married, Showtime’s The Affair, NBC’s Up All Night and Parenthood, ABC’s Notes From the Underbelly, Amazon’s Transparent. Many have redeeming characteristics — actual plots, believable characters, scenes that feel like the best of indie film instead of the worst of it. Many of these shows also share certain flaws — whiny overgrown children, awkwardness and spite as stand-ins for actual dialogue, moody silence as a stand-in for dramatic conflict.

But HBO’s Togetherness represents the culmination of several bad trends in one, the apotheosis of discontented hipster-family awfulness. Created by Jay and Mark Duplass, Togetherness features the misadventures of four overgrown children fumbling their way through their respective midlife crises via clumsy flirtations, friend-zoning frustrations, New Age creepiness, bad sex, and most of all, unfocused self-pity. Like a grown-up version of Girls where instead of saying, “Yeah, I remember that,” you say, “Why haven’t they figured this shit out by now?,” Togetherness is what you would get if you crossed a bad episode of Thirtysomething with a bad Judd Apatow movie, then cut out all of the jokes and made each scene last two times too long.

But who needs humor or character development or dramatic conflict when you can just send your characters to a movie premiere where they can feel bad about not mattering enough, and then harass a successful movie producer for the rest of the episode? Who needs high stakes when you can send your L.A. hipsters to the park to play kick the can with some younger L.A. hipsters, so they’ll feel all torn up inside over the total no-fairness of being older than some other people in the world? What’s up with Taylor Swift and vaping and high-waisted jean shorts anyway, guys?

Wait, that can’t be a line from Togetherness, because even half-assed jokes aren’t allowed on the show. The main point of each episode seems to be to make all of the characters deeply unhappy. This means that the plot possibilities are infinite! Next time, why not have one of your characters order a sandwich that doesn’t have aioli on it, like it’s supposed to? Why not make their washing machine break down, so then they’ll have to sit in the laundromat just like regular human beings?

And maybe once your cool white L.A. mom is done flirting with a Latino charter school activist, she can conclude that sleeping with him would be way more fun than gracelessly fumbling with her passive, neurotic husband. But she can’t screw the new guy just yet. First she needs to get naked and roll around with her husband until they’re yelling at each other over how challenging it is to try to have sex in an expensive hotel room instead of watching television at home. Then one of them can say, “I’m not in love with having sex with the same person after 10 years, either!” and they can stutter sullenly like they’re reenacting an episode of Tell Me You Love Me, and that way, average Americans who don’t live in L.A. can turn off their TVs and have sex or eat a sandwich or argue or do other things that are a million times more interesting and tragic and funny than what’s on their television screens.

Remember when TV shows were about average people in average places? No, not the lovable salt-of-the-earth working-class types depicted on The King of Queens and Mike and Molly. Forget heartwarming lessons from blue-collar cuddle bears. The antidote to the awkward hipster dramedy plague is TV shows about grouchy, dissatisfied regular people with regular jobs and regular lives. Every day, ill-informed, dysfunctional types. You know, reality.

Or, if you prefer, All in the Family. Because, contrary to development executives at HBO and AMC and Amazon and everywhere else, not everyone is charmed by stories about wealthy L.A. marrieds who are super anxious about filling out their private school applications. Maybe it’s time to bring back characters like Archie and Edith and Sally and Meathead instead. The Bunkers never went to Hollywood premieres or played kick the can ironically. They didn’t have to. They had a script that was interesting and odd and funny, and they delivered their lines in lively, unexpected ways. They even changed their facial expressions occasionally, so they didn’t all look and sound like angry Muppets.

One of the things that’s engaging about regular people is that they have very good reasons for their misery. They don’t feel miserable simply because they can’t get through their Insanity workout videos or they can’t handle the inconvenient paperwork required by pricey private schools. Regular people are unhappy because their husbands are condescending, racist assholes, just for example. They’re depressed because they can’t afford their heating bill, or their son-in-law has an unkempt mustache and a beef with Nixon. Regular people go shopping at a grocery store and they accidentally let go of their shopping cart and it rolls away and a can of cling peaches dents the hood of someone else’s car, and their husband is furious at them for it.

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=HoIMvOUM3po.

See how irritating Edith is? That’s the thing about regular people. They don’t always dress well and they aren’t very cool but somehow they capture our interest anyway. They need help. They’re a little naïve sometimes. They’re not exactly admirable, but it’s hard not to be curious about what they might say next. Even when they’re complete assholes, they win some begrudging affection from viewers. They’re aggravating and all too familiar. They’re like family, in other words.

Edith was always a little depressed. Why wouldn’t she be? Her husband was a legitimate nightmare. Regular people are difficult, which is why regular people mostly sit around at home trying to get along with each other. They don’t put on fishnet stockings and bum cigarettes from teenage skateboarders and spank their husbands out of the blue then pout when their husbands don’t love it. They don’t give each other pep talks that revolve around the lyrics to Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” then sit in the car re-enacting the drum solo to the song together, feeling faintly reassured by how adorable they are.

It’s not like absurd storylines featuring self-indulgent assholes can never work, of course. Look at Larry David. Sure, he’s super rich and still depressed on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but we understand his anger: He’s an isolated jerk who is hopelessly spoiled but only cares about himself. Fair enough! Like Archie Bunker, everyone around Larry constantly reminds him (and us) that he’s a complete dick. Hell, even the characters on Married, pathetic as they are, have clearly been built for maximum patheticness. Only occasionally entertaining, yes, but not disturbing.

What really doesn’t work is the miserable spoiled jerks of Togetherness, who don’t recognize that they’re miserable and spoiled and jerks. Trying to make lazy, whiny, wealthy, middle-aged people sympathetic isn’t comedy. It’s like an episode of Desperate Housewives without the plinky piano and the Teri Hatcher, tripping in her tall shoes.

And regular people don’t summarize the sweeping themes of their lives when they’re arguing with each other. They argue about trivia, like Archie and Meathead debating how to put on your socks and shoes on every morning. They weren’t yelling, “I hate you!” the way the characters on Togetherness would. They were actually furious about socks and shoes. That’s Dramatic Writing 101: Don’t explain every single thing your characters are going through. Let them argue about the spaghetti or the dog or the flat tire instead.

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZFuniFSP2fo.

The comedic beats of that scene are perfectly timed for maximum effect. There’s not a lot of awkward dead air. And when Archie says, “Don’t you know that the whole world puts on a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe?” he’s not just getting worked up over nothing, he’s laying out his entire worldview. “If something seems logical to me, then I’m sure everyone does it, and anyone who disagrees is a giant loser.” Not only do few of today’s TV characters have such courage of conviction, but they rarely speak of something trivial in ways that shed a light on their driving motivation. Tony Soprano did this. Al Swearengen did it. Rust Cohle did it. Hell, even the women on Broad City do it sometimes. But most of the other characters on TV today tell us way too much about what they’re thinking and feeling, leaving nothing to the imagination.

That’s not interesting, and regular people don’t talk that way. Regular people are rarely aware of what they’re really saying or what they really want or what it all means. They’re blind to themselves. As Archie Bunker once said, “I ain’t paranoid! Why are youse all against me?” Regular characters speak in tongues, and we have to sort it out. That’s why reality TV, when it’s even remotely real, captures the interest of so many viewers these days. We get to do a little work to unpack what those people really mean when bizarre words come out of their mouths.

So let’s stop the madness. Put some regular people on television — some Roseannes and some Edith Bunkers. Maybe a noncriminal version of Omar from The Wire, or a non-mob version of Carmela Soprano. Instead of Thirtysomething meets Tell Me You Love Me, how about Broad City meets Getting On? Regularness is next to godliness. Why not start today? Or as Archie Bunker himself said, “You can start doing it that way tomorrow morning, and then do it that way for the rest of your life!”

Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/havrilesky/dire-straights