#the general shape of my depression has changed and thats weird for me

[mywillbedone]

I think finally reading house of leaves a few months ago legitimately fixed something in me

[frosted-night]

Jack Frost Designs Review

Yes it’s finally his time. This is going to include his book designs including previous incarnations in said books. There are more movie concept designs than book so, let’s dig in shall we?

This was in fact the first ever Jack Joyce designed while he came up with The Guardians Of Childhood. He even comes with his own backstory! (Which was cut. Sorry Joyce posts walls of text so it’s a girthy read.)

So instead of a young mischievous trickster, we got a much more depressing story of Jack. (Jack by default is sad obviously) but this one... It kind of hits differently and almost reminds me of the story he crafted for Pitch. A dad who tried to defend his family but through tragic events was ripped from them and changed completely. Design wise, he’s a lot more tree than snow. There doesn’t exist a colored version of this so we’ll never know if he sported winter and dull dead leaf colors rather than grassy greens.This Jack has a weird presence to him, I can’t put my finger on it. Rating: 6/10 He’s really neat! Just a little too Autumn feeling rather than a blend of both Autumn and Winter.

Nightlight feels like the baby evolution if Jack was a pokemon and that's what I’m gonna stick with. Below is a more recent version of him colored.

In all honesty that one is easier on the eyes proportion wise because sometimes Joyce has ‘interesting’ anatomy choices but we aint going into that today. It’s interesting how his hair somehow looks shorter and longer than Jack’s at the same time. Could be because the longer strands float seamlessly but star boy hair physics what can ya do. It’s a little hard to tell what is his skin and what is his armor, so that is a casuality in making a character only have one or two colors in their color scheme. I love other artist’s depictions of Nightlight but the canon one feels a little weak color wise. Rating: 5/10 Sorry, get some better LEDs and then come back.

Here we have a book Jack but I can’t entirely recall if this was used in the books or not. I digress. This design looks like him still wearing very Nightlight-esque armor/clothing and slowly growing into his new persona as Jack Frost. The intricacies are hard to make out but we’ll work with it. This one is very interesting to me because he very much looks like an older teen close to young adult. His hair looks very fluffy too. Not many complaints about this one but not much praise either.

Rating: 6/10 Not great but doesn’t stand out that much.

Remember when I said Joyce had ‘interesting’ anatomy decisions? Jack looks like he has half a head here and it bothers me GREATLY. This is the adult Jack design he went with. Supposedly he likes the opera and he sure looks it. This! Exists!! Kind of wish it didn’t. The outfit is nice but it just doesn’t fit Jack as a whole. This just screams to me that it’s someone else with a similar-ish hairstyle.

Rating: 3/10 Guess he’d be the...Phantom Of The Opera. (I’ll go home and so should he.)

And finally the final Jack. This is the one that almost exactly resembles the Jack we got in the movies(Probably because it was made after the movie but w/e) but just add a cape on him. I can’t really tell if hes got a hoodie and a cape, or just a cloak+hood on top of a sweatshirt. It isn’t too important because my thoughts on this one are obvious. Rating: 10/10 Edna Mode would have a field day with you boy.

MOVIE DESIGN TIME

Joyce claims this is a design he drafted when Leonardo DiCaprio was considered to voice Jack and I can kind of see that with how his face is drawn here. This Jack looks a lot more like a warrior and less of that trickster look. I can’t say I’m a fan of the weird antenna his hood has but his sword is really cool looking.

Rating: 4/10 Nice bow and sword but it can’t save your fashion choices.

This looks like a lanky 11-13 year old who would put rocks or slugs in my shoes and relish in my disgust. He has the exact look of a snot nose kid and I’m unsure how to feel about it.

His various hairstyles drafted here sort of make him softer looking or just more of a snot nose, no in between. Maybe even an Anime Protagonist.

The top right one almost looks like Hiccup from How To Train Your Dragon if you squint. It’ll be a little hard to rate them all as one individual but why not.

Rating: 5/10 I don’t hate them but they aren’t my cup of tea.

AH- IS THAT A FUCKIN GREMLIN?

Oh wait no it isn’t he looks like a 10 year old. Whatever don’t feed him after midnight. The staff’s design of not being shaped like a G is an interesting tidbit but the whole design looks like he’s really young or like a troll etc. This Jack looks like he thinks girls have cooties uses outdated slang.

Rating: 4/10 This is me being generous.

It honestly looks like he hiked his pants up all the way to his chest. A late teen with horrid fashion choices once again. Not many other thoughts here.

Rating: 2/10 Get a sweater on or something.

This is one is very interesting looking to me. His clothes looked a lot more leather based and very human-like. The tatters, tears and frays all make him look like he was a victim of an accident that never changed his clothes. It makes me wonder if this Jack had the same death as the final movie Jack or something else entirely. Either way, this one looks like hes a mid to late teen which really adds to my intrigue.

This was another image that greatly resembled the design so I included it here. It almost looks like his skin is blue here which is pretty neat to me at least. He’s also got leaf motifs here, which from the first Jack design Joyce made, we can see a pattern here.

Rating: 8 /10 I was originally weirded out by his head but now its not so bad.

This Jack is definitely dressed more like a nature boy rather than him having human influenced fashion and it’s an appealing touch. The tiny leaf sprouting from his staff is also kind of cute since the designers seemed to want to put leafs somewhere on his designs. His hairstyle is also very cute but it reminds me of Sasuke Uchiha in a sense. (Not a setback for me at least)

Rating: 7/10 13 year old Jack is going thru a phase.

I thought this Jack didn’t show up again in story boards but I was wrong!

They look a little different from each other but just similar enough to pair together, so bare with me. The first one obviously has looser pants, slightly longer sleeves and got his leaf motif going. This second Jack is a VERY green. It gives the impression that this Jack made his clothes out of plants and natural materials. Again I’m not wholly sure if greens fit his color scheme but they sure went for it for a while. I can’t say I’m a fan of it because it heavily reminds me of Peter Pan.

However a very similar looking Jack could be found in this storyboard. It doesn’t look as green as the other storyboards made it out to be and looks more like dead grass. Which is a pretty nice touch.

Rating: 5/10 I don’t hate it but it just doesn’t vibe yknow.

Speaking of a vibe...hoo this certainly has one.  This Jack isn’t old but certainly doesn’t look very young, maybe in the 20-30 range, thats just me. He has facial features that remind me of Pitch but resembles the Jack Frost of Santa Clause 3

That being said, I wondered if him looking similar to Pitch was in the storyline of them being brothers.(Which was a scrapped thing, who knew.) He’s a bit more menacing in this design but certainly seems like he relishes in his work.

Rating: 4/10 I’d make it a lower score but I gotta give it props

NOW THIS JACK IS KINDA INTERESTING. This one looks like he’s 16 and going through a grunge phase. He’s gonna play Nirvana loudly and not turn it down even if you tell him too. His staff itself has mini icicles hanging off of it and leafs look stuck to his shirt. Did you glue or staple those on Jack? His hair also looks much longer than his other designs and I kind of dig it( Shut up I’m bias.) I’m not wholly sure why else this design has stuck with me but it just has something about it that I just love. I wish there was a full body drawing of it.

(He also kinda has the same hair as the Jack Frost in Runescape but I wont go on about that hoo hoo)

Rating: 9/10 *Bad Boy by Cascada plays in the distance*

This one definitely feels like middleschooler trying to be in a band. His sticks just resemble drumsticks to me what can I say. I’m a big fan of his shoes and his color scheme screams a hibernating tree in winter. His hair also looks like it’s covered in frost rather than it being wholly white, which is very neat!! He looks like he wants to fight but has slight hesitance. Overall a very balanced Jack.

Rating: 8/10 He’s ready for band practice

Not many thoughts here, I just found these tiny Jack designs cute. His hoodie being a jacket instead just adds to the charm of this one.

No talk to him he angy.

Rating: 6/10 fun sized boi

Now this Jack resembles the one earlier that dressed entirely in leather brown colors, however he clearly is different than that one. I’m gonna say it, he looks like a zombie or undead in this design and its pretty fucking gnarly. I don’t know whats going on with his hair but I’m gonna assume it’s just the wind making it look like that. He just has the vibe that he was once human but was turned into something else entirely. It isnt in uncanny territory but borders that. This version of Jack meeting Pitch and the others would have been *very* interesting. Rating: 7/10 Eat a twinkie Jack you’ll feel better.

The final design! I can’t complain much about this one. The way his staff subtly has a G shape and a hexagon(his signature shape) is a wonderful touch. Additionally, the way the frost is gathered mostly where his hand is such an intricate detail. His signature hoodie is iconic at this point so I can’t bad mouth that either.(I can’t anyway because there's no complaints from me here.) Although, I never understood the leather straps that his pants had or their functions. I couldn’t find any colonial outfits that resembled Jack’s pants so its a total mystery to me at least.

And I can’t go on about this design until I mention the snowflake pattern in his eyes

Pure beauty. It’s at a hue of blue that almost looks impossible to have, combined with the electric blue color of the snowflake in his eyes. The amount of detail in this movie amazes me to this day. Rating: One Great Blizzard <3/10

[st4rry4pples]

alas, i have made it back from the trenches (my toilet)

man, what is there to say? kate was the first real queer female representation i had seen in media, which was cool for little gay me. aidy has always been one of my favorites, she just has this loving and fun energy thats impossible to not make you smile. kyle is the most autistic non autistic person ive ever seen and i mean that in the best way possible. not only is he hilarious in all the weird shit hes done on the show but his creations outside of snl are amazing (watch brigsby bear!) and i cant wait to see what he does next (just please dont let it be dressing up as baby yoda dear god). and lastly, pete... pete davidson has gotten me thru some really shitty times. as a kid whos anxiety and hypochondria got so bad to where i couldnt leave the house, it was always cool to see a rad lad like him being so honest with his mental health struggles. ive been thru a lot with pete, all his rich fancy girlfriends, his movies. i remember one day at school i had felt depressed and completely burned out, so durinf my lunch break i watch (part of) his special alive from new york, and suddenly my troubles melted into laughter... until i would find out later that day that school would be shut down do to a pandemic 👍 but his comedy definitely distracted my anxiety for a bit which was cool. no matter his tone deaf choices in women, petey boy is always gonna have a special place in my heart :-)

now, where the hell can i start with you guys. im gonna be open here, i started liveblogging snl in feburary of 2020 (i know im ancient) then the pandemic hit and i fell into the worst mental state of my life. for once i didnt have an answer. i felt completely and utterly useless and didnt feel like i was living in my own body. every day felt the same. of top of that in august of 2020, a friend of mine took his own life. so adding grief onto my isolation made every day feel like a nightmare i couldnt wake up from... that was until i thought of actually doing something and getting in the snl liveblog tag again, where i was very pleasantly surprised at the community that had suddenly blossomed out of nowhere. at first, our crew was small, but it grew and grew with every month and soon it became a tradition i looked forward to every week. things had started to feel real again and i finally had something in life to look forward to even if it was just for an hour and a half every saturday (mid)night.

flash to a year and a half later and i can honestly say i am in the best mental state since i was a kid. sure i have my own set of problems and the world keeps getting wilder and wilder by the minute but i finally feel real yknow? im finally with my friends again and ive gotten so much better with my relationships and myself and balancing things (ok for the most lart i have a shit ton of work to do) hell even with work i finally feel an ounce of motivation, im even motivated to do stuff i like again like draw! i havent drawn reguarly in 3 years! i can honestly say that tuning in with you guys every saturday night has definitely made a difference more than you know. and while a big change may be happening to 8h, hell they got us through a big change and now its time for us to root them through one. thank you all from the bottom of my heart from hearing me ramble about my special interest, i wouldnt be who i am without snl or the comedy of the cast members throughout generations. its shaped me as a person and im proud to contribute to this niche little community :-)

i love you all, take care of yourselves, [insert an snl reference here im too tired to come up with], and i'll see you all in october :-)

[safetyrat]

My take on the Jack Manifold being killed by Tommy discussions

This is written so someone who isnt caught up can understand, so lets start at the beginning, Jack Manifolds ad Tommys relationship. Irl Jack and Tommy are very close, but I don’t think they had a strong established relationship in character before exile, especially because Jack was mia for a lot of lore? Many relationships on the smp get taken from the ccs dynamics before the smp (wilbur and tommys mentor/brotherhood, puffychus date), which is why they have been interpreted as close? Jack was part of lmanburg and they have interacted for sure, so I think its fair to say they were friends in roleplay, even if not like,, best friends

during exile, jack visited Tommy- well, tried to visit. Tommy punched him off the bridge in the nether and made sure he died. Jack lost all his stuff and was pissed offed - but that was about it.

The tone of the visit could maybe be compared to the one with Mamacita and Mexican Dream? It was in character, but it wasn’t... serious?

It feels wrong to call it “friendly banter” when mexican dream died, but you cant call it a “Building Character Moment For TommyInnit” either. Jacks visit was similar.

At that point, neither Jack nor Tommy refered to the death as “canon” - the wiki did, however. Not sure what happend there, but it was listed as Jacks second death and when he died on Doomsday, went to hell and back - that part of lore doesn’t work without Tommy killing him.

After Jack came back from hell, he started a bigger character arc with Niki revolving around taking revenge on tommyinnit. Killing him until he is dead permanently. And while that is not presented as the right thing to do - both niki and jack consider their characters villains - its not irrational or without motive.

Tommy has made mistakes and hurt people - whether these were justified is in the eye of the beholder.

For Jacks arc right now, Tommy killing him is an important motivator and a driving point for his plot. Nothing about Jacks current character would be the same without it. Because he acknowledged the death and it was on the wiki for the longest time, its generally considered canon by the fandom.

So, case closed? Tommy killed a man while depressed in exile- yeah, that doesn’t sound right.

A Tommyinnit analysist pointed that out,, earlier today? Thats why we are having this discussion right now. I’m not sure they would appreciate me mentioning their username here, but ive read their analyses before and theyre great, they have a lot of interesting thoughts, and i agree with them bringing this up!! please never send hate to anyone about character analysis!! some people (like me) actually do this for fun.

so, i dont want to touch exileinnit to much, there is a lot to talk about, but... TommyInnit would kill somebody without a second thought. Canon deaths are heavy, theyre big, theyre- and you cannot compare this to punz killing wilbur! Yeah, that wasnt a big character moment for punz, but on one hand hes a mercenary, killing people is kind of part of his job, and on the other hand- the story around lmanburg is not a character focused one, thats a big part of wilburs writing. His main goal is progressing the geopolitical plot and let the character be shaped by it - themes like personal conflict seem less big when there is the fate of a country on your hands.

The exile arc is an entirely character focused story. It deals with themes like mental illness and inner turmoil... do you think it would pass the chance on discussing tommys feelings about killing someone? A past friend, no less?

Murdering someone, on purpose, completly changes the morality of tommys character, and im not ready to commit to that.

There are more reasons I think this, ask me to elaborate if you want, but in my eyes there is no way that Tommy could kill someone in exile with it still being consistent with his character.

So, whats the conclusion?:

TommyInnit killing Jack Manifold is canon in Jacks story, but isn’t canon in Tommys. There is no other way eithers devolopment makes sense otherwise.

This is it. An inconsistency. A plain old plothole.

Oh no, the cinematic masterpiece (/s) that is the dream smp has a plothole, what do we do now?:

...move on? There is no way discussing this will change anything. This type of inconsistency is unique to the dream smp as a medium where the creators have a direct dialogue with the fanbase. This is not the first or last time the wiki has made weird deaths canon, I personally disagree that quackity and schlatt died in the explosion of tubbos execution. This doesnt do against the wiki writers or anything, you guys are so important for this community, but you do stand in direct contact with the creators - an active fan would have probably more, but more importantly different, knowledge of the lore than 90% of the members.

Dont be harsh on the fans, dont be harsh on the ccs, we are exploring a new type of mass reaching story telling here guys.

how do we still make this consistent for the storyline?:

this is where the analysis ends, we are diving more into headcanon territory, but I choose to believe that this was a canon death, but tommy didnt realize it is. In my opinion this just feeds into Jacks themes of being ignored, not taken seriously, etc.

tldr: while tommy killing jack was considered canon for a long time, it doesnt work if you want to have tommys character make sense. Instances like this, where dubious canon gets reinterpreted later happen because of the dream smps unique type of storytelling and should not be a reason for conflict in the fandom.

Thanks for reading, if any of this doesnt make sense after tommys last stream, that I didnt watch because writing this, youre allowed to personally come into my house and assassinate me.

[starryknightace]

I had Top Surgery! (Post Op 1 1/2 Weeks pics)

[[MORE]]

Suprise! I had top surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It was a bit of a process to get to that point and i was literally counting down the hours til i went under. I kept joking to people i was most excited about my "induced 4 hour nap" more than anything. I got to my day surgery clinic early in the morning, to which i got changed into scrubs, was told to wait under a blanket to keep my body warm, and met with the nurse, anesthetist and my surgeon for pre op discussions. Then i was escorted into the operation theatre where i hopped on the table, got nice and comfy with blankets, tubes, oxygen mask annnnddd.... woke up 4 hours later forgetting i had surgery 🤣

I did this in my last surgery (which in comparission was more terrifying cause i had blood in my mouth and couldnt remember what happened to me), but i woke up and couldn't work out where i was, why i felt so dizzy and how i got clothed 🤣 i spent about 2 hours in the recovery room sat in a recliner chair dozing off, except to eat (cause i had been fasting prior) and drink. I did try to pee but couldn't which was frustrating 😅 then i was taken home, where i promptly went to sleep lol

I had my drains in for 72 hours and they were the worst part of recovery. I carried bottles in a pillow case and they had be be positioned lower than my chest at all times. Luckily i wasn't able to move much and while i was on strong pain medication i mainly slept. I had my mum stay with me for a week and i'm thankful she did cause she really saved my butt by doing everything for me (i really had to let go of my control which was weirdly hard, i just felt bad making her do things for me but she was happy to). The drains were uncomfortable and by the morning there were to be taken out i was really hurting where they were inserted. After they were taken out it was a blessing and recovery got A LOT easier. I had shallow baths every few days and my mum helped me was my hair. I had baby wipes for my armpits and chest area which again saved me from being stinky. I still mainly slept, or watched tv shows with my mum up until she left. She prepped me a LOT of meals before she left so i wouldn't have to cook.

Sleeping on my back was probably the most uncomfortable part (after the drains), because i'm a stomach sleeper. I have been managing to sleep though which has been nice (and Maple has been good, sleeping beside me all through the night!). I've been sleeping elevated to help with swelling. I actually got told off by my nurse while doing my week post op check up cause i was still doing too much. I went to Uni for a 6 hour workshop that day too and went to a costume showcase that night. Safe to safe i was exhausted the next day and didnt do much but sleep.

So i'm still quite swollen and bruised 1 1/2 weeks in, which will eventually settle down. my nipples seem to be taking well so crossing fingers the blood returns. I was worried about puckering but being able to closely examine my chest it's due to the swelling at the moment so hopefully that goes down too.

All in all i can't stop smiling at my chest - i finally feel like myself 😁

Some tips for those looking to have Top Surgery based on my experience:

MEDICINE

I have a high pain threshold - i was willing to go to uni a week post op because i could stand to - would recommend people booking off at LEAST 3 weeks prior to work/study if you can help it. I have only one class per week at the moment and its only theory so thats why i was able to travel and even then i was taken pain killers ever 4 hours.

In my mother's words "don't be a hero, if you need to take pain relief, do it". Best advice. I've weened myself off pain killers to 2 just before bed (panadine forte), or before i need to go out and do things (genral paracetamol). If you need to take more just do it - also write down when you've taken things (because its good to know how much you've had per day!) You can take iburofen and paracetamol intermittedly in 4 hour intervals (eg. Iburofen at 12pm, paracetamol at 2pm, another dose of iburofen at 4pm, etc).

You'll also be taking antibiotics - generally 3 times a day with meals. I also took probiotics 2 hours after taking my antibiotics to avoid the sideaffects of them (eg. Mouth Ulcers (which i did get dang it), thrush, etc).

I was also taking strong pain killers (for the first few days i took 2 every 4 hours then weened down to one per night). Be careful with strong pain killers - the thing doctors/people don't tend to mention is that they can be addictive/dependent drugs. Sometimes you would prefer to keep taking them and that can be an issue. I asked my surgeon at my 1 week if i could please get one more script of something a little stronger than paracetamol to take a night and it took a bit more of a discussion to get it. If you can try to get by on the paracetamol alone do so and remember you can alternate with iburofen every two hours.

WEIRD BOWELS

With all these medications you'll more than likely get constipated so adding to the list of medications i also took good ol' laxatives. The first poop after surgery was like 3 days later and it hurt 😅 the laxatives helped me after to soften my stools (cheat mode is when you're lactose intolerent and you eat a bunch of cheesecake whoops 😅). Also peeing was weird for the first week due to the anesthestics in me. It took me ages to pee, sometimes i had the feeling of needing to pee but nothing happened, and i was peeing like, every hour.

SUPPORT

Both in furniture sense and people sense.

My mum was my main support especially in the first week. She looked after me, my house and my cat. She grabbed things i couldn't access, drove me to my appointments, managed my medicine, cooked me food and generally just helped me around the place. Originally i only wanted her there for a few days but im glad she was there cause i was sore and out of it most of the time. Alongside her my two best friends were also a massive help - coming over to keep me company, drive me places, help me do my grocery shopping, tell me off for overdoing it, gave me plenty of entertainment (thanks to katie i finished wind waker!). Get yourself some support and let go of that control, you will honestly be too tired and sore to do anything anyway.

Make sure you get yourself some comfy pillows. I got myself a U shaped pillow and it has so far saved my neck so much pain. I sleep elevated which means more pillows to prop myself up. And pillows for my couch.

WASHING

So for the first 72 hours i was just a gross gremlin with dry shampoo because of the drains. My chest was covered in bandages so i couldn't wash that area anyway. After the drains were removed i was told i could have showers, but i opted for shallow bathes anyway. I was able to wash myself fine (just go slow), then i would put pants on and get my mum to help wash my hair. After my 1 week check up i started having showers, but stood out of the stream. I only have tape to cover my stitches now (i took them off for the photo) so am able to carefully wash parts of my chest and back i couldnt get to before. I can now wash my hair (slowly). Raising my arms is still not easily fesable but i can lift them to a certain point.

EMOTIONAL

Now, i wasn't as emotional as i thought i was going to be but i do know other trans guys who said they went through bouts of depression after their surgery. Its something to look out for. For me, it was emotionally draining to talk to people about it constantly. I didn't mind though and it was nice people checked up on me but it did wear me out. Its always good though to check in with your emotional state throughout to see how youre feeling. It's not an inmediate grattification, the swelling and bruising is a lot and it won't look right for a while. Also leading up to surgery people can feel fearful and doubtful, always chat to a loved one about your feelings! Personally i had no nerves leading up to surgery but afterwards i was constantly worried that i wasn't healing right. Talking to your surgeon will HELP trust me!

SCARRING

Ok this was a big shock to me so i hope this helps other people but scar medication/ointments don't actually work. I asked my surgeon about it and as a skin professional who has been studying the effects of scarring for over 40 years - this is a beauty scam you don't need to bite into.

"Time and your genetic biology are the only ways that help your scars heal, sorry to burst your bubble but save your money on that placebo".

Looking after yourself the first few months post op will help you get good results later.

Of course i understand if people will still want to buy scarring products but thought i would post the words of a professional too 😅 don't shoot the messenger on this one. And if you do decide to use the stuff then wait 6 months before doing so.

I think that's all i can think of at the moment. There's a really good private facebook group for top surgery and i got a lot of my info from there. If people are curious feel free to DM me, send me an inbox and i'd be happy to chat as best i can! My experience is based in Australia so people might have different expectations/experiences in different countries!

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈💛💛💛🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

[system-of-a-feather]

how did you begin to accept your alters? how did they identify and name themselves?

I would like to preface this with the notation that I am not the “original” but I did go through the process of finding out I had alters, accepting them, and coming to terms with them as someone who is the Host. With that notation in place, I will refer to this in two perspectives from my experience: how I came to identify myself as an alter and how I came to find the others.

Firstly, as a non-original alter myself, I was originally split off about ten years ago to help cope with how often we were moving and to make it so that we could quickly make social circles and befriend people despite having to change schools a good few times. For the first three or so years I wasn’t too solid of an identity in the sense I was entirely separate and I carried a lot of the traits of the character I am a fictive of, but I didn’t actively identify myself much until I became more active as myself outside of just school (which was about three years later). About three years later we actually got active online where I pretty much took dominion over and it was my place and the place I developed fully from the base fictionally-shaped personality and identity I was based with and shaped more into myself. 

My name started simply on a gut instinct and - in hindsight - probably either TA or Aya suggesting it as my username with Riku as its base. Because of that Riku became my online name people called me. For the next following like... six or so years I was just TA’s “online personality” or “better online self” or “actually functioning self” as she didn’t know of DID or alters, and I thought I was just “normal online vs offline personality changes”. Anyways, as I got more contact with my alters a few years ago (before I knew what alters were) I realized not only did I associate myself with the name Riku rather than any other name, but everyone internally called me Riku so when it came around to coming to terms that I have DID, I realized that everyone internally knew me as Riku because well... thats what I was ripped from XD And with the fact that I heavily identified with that name since as long as I can remember myself and everyone called me it, I decided my name was Riku and would stay Riku. As host, IRL I go by the body name and my fiance refers to me/us by that unless he is specifically trying to get my attention per my own request as I need to make sure I don’t forget to respond to the body name as host.

As someone who is host, it is honestly a huge long story to be honest. Despite knowing - in a way - that I was an alter (as I was ‘TA’s online personality’) I really struggled to accept that I had DID as it just is a hard and weird concept when you first come to think about it. Since going around the whole story would be covering years of content, I will go alter by alter to explain how they came about, first interactions, change over time in accepting them, and how they got their name.

Aderis was the first one I actively knew of. She appeared at first in a manner that really scared me of her as the first few times I was conscious and noticed her was when she was being sadistic and a bit of a punisher to problematic people in our lives. For a decent chunk I kinda thought of her as a monster I found within myself that I had no control over. Overtime though we actually communicated a bit more and a bit better and she shifted more from a monster to a monster-esque protector and through more time shes now just like our system’s mother bear XD It took a lot of communication and acts of not-sadism and more internal care to change that as well as a lot of like.. “no she exists you aren’t faking” from friends and therapists. Her name was just kind of already there and she personally introduced herself to me. From the sounds of it she always identified with that name. ((She originally let me call her by ‘Riku’ **as in Riku but not** until she told me that it was a pain and too similar to my name and told me to call her by Aderis instead))

TA is the one I TECHNICALLY knew of first as I split off from her. I really don’t know much about her currently other than she was a depressed alter that I knew I was meant to give a break to. This ended up with me permanently taking over host and since then she’s gone into dormancy. Her name is Traumatized (Body Name) as she is one of the originals.

Lucille is the next one I knew and technically also the first not-TA alter I knew about but, unlike Aderis, I just thought of him as that “smart guy part of my brain that I talked to occasionally.” I don’t really remember how we came to terms with eachother though so sorry about that. As for his name, he either came with it or picked it himself from the root stem of “Luce” meaning Light and partially since he resembled one of the OCs we made ages ago named “Elucid Fernum”. He existed prior than that character as he split off around the same time as me, but I think he did adopt the appearance of him.

Iris I became aware of at some point due to loud internal arguments between her and Aderis over how I should behave. Like Aderis, she was really clear about her existence and until RECENTLY, I’ve known her as “White ‘Riku’” as in the opposite of Aderis (who was ‘Riku’) for some time and only recently did the name Iris actually get told to me by an alter I can’t remember. I don’t communicate much with her so I can’t tell, but I feel like the name stems from her general aesthetic and that she named herself?

Aya is a little I didn’t really know of until two years ago but she has been around as our first host and one of the originals that stopped being host the same year Lucille and I split off. I only knew of her existence when we got comfortable with our fiance and at first I was really annoyed and a bit embarrassed about it but with his extreme acceptance of her and all of this, I just kind of came to really accept her presence? Aya I do remember how she came to be as we used to call her “Happy (Body Name)” or “HA” as she seemed to be direct opposite of TA (and they are likely the original dissociative split). However, due to the fact we realized that HA was an inaccurate misleading name for her that boxed her emotions in, I decided I would find her a new name. There were a few I was suggesting but nothing any of us could settle on and I was telling my fiance about the ideas and he made a joke and tried out Aya and she just like... clung to the name so she choose that name XD

Protector Riku is one I only a few months ago found out to be separate so thats a TBA story to tell. With that being said, it seems he (assuming gender off of what my gut says - probably a he or a they) split off only slightly from me as we share all memory with one another but opinions and views of experiences and life are different as well as how our emotions run. He coined himself as Protector Riku and he coins myself as Host Riku as we see each other more as “separate modes of Riku as a whole” rather than as full individuals from each other even though we are independent alters. I have been offering and TRYING to get in contact with him to see if he wants an actual separate name that is similar to Riku (Raiko, Ruki, Raiku, Roku, etc) to give him a shorter easier name that is his, or if he would like to shorten it to PR, or if he would just like to be known as P. Riku or Protector Riku long term. All of that is TBA though XD

In the end, a lot of coming to accept them was getting to know them better and trying to talk to them as it really came to make me realize these are actual individuals that are sharing my body with me to be honest. Coming to terms with that later half is a lot easier said than done, but just trying to get to know everyone and understanding they are trying to do the same really helped with it all.

-Riku (Host)

[trans-son-of-perdition]

Why I relate the Trench album to my own personal life and struggles.

A couple things before I begin. I am aware the true meaning of this album relates to Tyler Josephs career and struggles with mental health. However, art is subjective. It’s meant to be interpreted however you want. I’m not trying to invalidate his experiences, this is just how the album helped me and how I related to it in a way that made it important to my life and my coping with realizations I had around the time Trench was being teased and released. This post is not meant to attack a specific faith, however given my own opinions and viewpoints this post could be uncomfortable for current believing members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. If you are uncomfortable with exmormon viewpoints, this might not be the post for you, and I would like it if you didn’t try to force your views onto me as a result of this post. I will also give warnings for abuse mentions, cult mentions, mentions of suicidal thoughts, and mentions of transphobia. 

In this post, I’ll go through each song in the album and explain what it relates to in my life. I’ll also go into the lore of Trench and how I relate to the Clancy letters, as well as explaining why my icon and blog banner are what they are.

If you have not heard this album, I recommend it entirely. And even if you have, I recommend listening along to this post. You do not need to be a fan of Twenty One Pilots or the album to read this, however, and you do not need to understand the deeper lore or know about the Clancy letters to read this post.

With that being said, this will be a long post, so I’ll put the rest under a read more. 

Let me begin by briefly introducing myself. I am a 22, nearly 23 year old Exmormon who was born and raised in the church near the heart of Salt Lake City, Utah. I was a devout member of this church until I was 15, which was when little things started to not make sense anymore. This was when I was shown that it was okay to feel differently about my gender and sexuality, when I started to realize there were words to describe why I felt so weird about the concept of being a girl, etc. In a lot of ways, 15 was when my faith started slipping. There are journal entries from then where I’m crying about how I didnt want to feel the way I did, it was kind of the usual young mormon kid has a crisis over their sexuality and gender and tries to pray about it over and over but nothing changes. I even had a moment at 17 where I found a place to hide where my family wouldnt hear me and prayed for about an hour because I was questioning if the church even was true. I got no answer to this.

By the time I was 18, I no longer attended church. I still called myself mormon, and was actually kind of an apologist for years. It was only early last year that I started realizing something didn’t seem right, which was what led to a very long beliefs crisis and eventually me formally resigning from the church. It was also the year that repressed memories finally started to surface, and the true extent to which I had been abused and neglected started to show. Near the end of 2018, one of my best friends helped me escape Utah and get far away from my family, and currently I am living happily in Arizona far from the church’s influence.

Now enter the Trench album.

Instantly, when the Jumpsuit video was first released, something felt comforting about it. And every song since has been extremely comforting to me because of how I have related it to my life. Here is how each song ((and even the videos and extra lore)) have helped me and have related to my life as a secret exmormon who felt trapped in Utah.

Jumpsuit

This song actually came out just as I was questioning the church and realizing some things that were very long. With every little thing I found that was wrong, it was like my life crumbled a little more. I’ll admit, the “spirits in my room” lines I took much more literally, having lived in a very haunted house in a very haunted part of Utah, but the lines “Felt it in my youth, feel it when I’m old” also felt like a reassurance to me that the doubts and feelings I had in highschool when I was just beginning to question myself and my life were valid. Like they weren’t just a passing phase, this was something that had been going on my whole life. And then we have the bridge. 

I'll be right there But you'll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air If you need anyone, I'll stop my plans But you'll have to tie me down and then break both my hands If you need anyone

My life up to this point had been manipulated by those around me. My parents controlled my actions, I sat there and let them abuse and disrespect me. If any of them needed anything, I jumped to help. This had spread into my other relationships as I felt the need to be there for everyone, be the personal therapist to everyone, try to fix the emotions and problems of everyone I knew because my family had made me think thats what I needed to do. Like in the video, I was very much stuck under the spell of the “smearing” of the bishops. My family knew how to manipulate my emotions into feeling like I was in the wrong, like I inevitably had to love them and follow them no matter what. Which was why the “Cover me!” screamed at the end makes my heart beat faster. In his “Cover me!” I felt my heart scream it too. I couldn’t out loud, because my family would have yelled at me and made my life hell, but I could scream inwardly with him. I could feel myself running from the bishops with him. That song felt more joyous, more releasing, and more moving to me than an LDS Hymn had in years. Even as I’m writing this, the “Cover me!” makes me feel deep and strong emotions that at one point I would have called “the spirit” or “the holy ghost” and its stronger than any feeling I attributed to those things from talks or lessons in the church.

Levitate 

This song actually gave me courage to be more openly myself again. To stand up for myself and look for other options. To admit that the way my life had been was fucked up and that there were better things out there. The line referencing Car Radio was cool to me, because Car Radio was a big song for my depression and dysphoria. I wont go into it too far, since I’m focusing on Trench music, but I’ve always taken Car Radio as a good way to describe how I felt about my life, the world, and my own dysphoria and struggles with suicidal thoughts. And so having this song tied to rebellion against how my life had always been reference another song that had helped me with coping was so encouraging to me and honestly really cool!

This culture is a poacher of overexposure, not today Don't feed me to the vultures, I am a vulture who feeds on pain.  

I mean. Come on. I lived in Utah. Utah culture is oversaturated in the church. Its in the politics, in the laws, in the tv shows and on the radio. There’s a ward building everywhere you go. You cant do anything without seeing it somewhere, at least not in big cities ((or at least not living as close to downtown Salt Lake City as I did.)) Admitting to being exmormon while there felt like I was risking being separated from the rest of society. While this isn’t entirely true, I grew up seeing how my family treated exmos. The way they treated them like poor misguided souls that would eventually have their “sins come crashing down on them and turn their hearts back to the church”. 

The next few lines are kinda self explanatory. “Sleep in a well-lit room, don't let the shadow through,” both refers to the whole “haunted house” thing I mentioned ((a story I wont go into here tbh)) as well as me using my room as the one place I could hide and be more myself, discuss the things I believed and thought. “And sever all I knew, yeah, sever all I thought” has to do with the slow realizations of the lies I had been taught by the church my whole life. The next few lines refer to what sounds like him asking for help to keep away from the ledges, which both feels like my reaching out to online friends for support both to reassure me that I wasn’t crazy as well as their help in keeping me away from my increasing suicidal thoughts.

The video actually felt like my chosen family in general, them getting me away from these ideas and worries I had had burned into my brain at a young age, pulling me out of this DEMA and into their Trench, where we all could support each other and help each other realize that the false things of our past didnt have to shape our futures for us. And much like Tyler, I was still struggling with my parents pulling me back in by tugging at my emotions, making me feel guilty for my rebellion.

Morph

Lets be honest, in order to explain this one I need to post the whole song. It feels like a mixture of my beliefs crisis and dealing with an abusive and transphobic family, to be honest. 

Can't stop thinking about if and when I die For now I see that "if" and "when" are truly different cries For "if" is purely panic and "when" is solemn sorrow And one invades today while the other spies tomorrow We're surrounded and we're hounded There's no "above", or "under", or "around" it For "above" is blind belief and "under" is sword to sleeve And "around" is scientific miracle, let's pick "above" and see For if and when we go "above", the question still remains Are we still in love and is it possible we feel the same? And that's when going "under" starts to take my wonder But until that time, I'll try to sing this

Here we have my crisis, where I was doubting my own doubts and wondering if I was wrong and truly destined to end up in a lower kingdom away from my family and if I was sinning. It led to a fear of death, a fear of the end of the world, a fear of anything related to it because what if the mormons were right? Honestly, this is an ongoing thing that causes panic attacks to this day, and this song is where I turn to when these doubts happen.

If I keep moving, they won't know I'll morph to someone else What they throw at me's too slow I'll morph to someone else I'm just a ghost I'll morph to someone else Defense mechanism mode

A lot of people in the transgender community have brought up that this is a really relateable few lines. I’d like to add on top of it being about my gender, it also can relate to how I spent years pretending to be someone else in front of a lot of people ((and still am to some extent, I’m working on that.)) in order to keep myself safe.

He'll always try to stop me, that Nicholas Bourbaki He's got no friends close but those who know him most know He goes by Nico, he told me I'm a copy When I'd hear him mock me that's almost stopped me

This part I actually relate to my younger brother, who is almost violently abusive towards me and who I have had not only threaten harm to me, but have had mock me and tell me that nobody truly cared about or loved me, along with much worse things that were so intense and awful that when my sister ((the only family member I truly trust)) heard it and told our parents what happened, they were legitimately worried about me knowing about my suicidal thoughts and were bugging me the entire time I was at work and while I walked home to make sure I was safe and okay. My brother is a horrible person, and I honestly am afraid for whoever ends up marrying him based on his treatment of everyone else in our family. My sister and I have even shared our concerns with each other that he could one day lash out and hurt/kill one of us. Hes one of the biggest reasons I and her hurried to leave the state as fast as we could.

Well we're surrounded and we're hounded There's no above or a secret door What are we here for? If not to run straight through all our tormentors? But until that time I'll try and sing this

This again relates to my family, along with the opinions of the church towards transgender and gay people. I don’t think I need to go into what the LDS church thinks of us. 

The final part of the song, to me at least, feels like the loneliness of my situation, and wanting someone to be open with in real life that would understand where I was coming from. It also is about my reaching out online when I couldn’t find support in person.

My Blood

I actually don’t need to go into this too deeply. My whole chosen family relates to this song, and so hearing it reminds me of them. This song is how we are to each other and how we feel about each other. Pretty straightforward. Especially since this song likely is about Tyler’s brother, so the fact we all consider each other brothers and sisters works with this.

Chlorine 

Another straightforward one. It kinda feels like I’m singing this to the people of my past. My family especially, but also the friends that were part of why I hid so much about myself. They were toxic, but I made myself stay near them out of love. And as I “decayed”, the feeling of rebellion started to grow more until I found myself running for my life away from them all. 

I'm so sorry, I forgot you Let me catch you up to speed I've been tested like the ends of A weathered flag that's by the sea Can you build my house with pieces? I'm just a chemical 

This final part is more towards myself, however. How I forgot the true me, how I’ve been broken and hurt by these people, and how I need to finally build my life up again away from them all.

Smithereens

Another one that makes me think of my chosen family, and makes me think of my best friend who helped me escape Utah. I’m not a violent person, I actually consider myself a pacifist. But if someone threatened my loved ones I’d do everything I could to stop them.

Neon Gravestones

Yeah, I had to get to this one eventually. This song hit me hard the first time I heard it. If you haven’t heard any songs from this album at all, THIS IS THE ONE YOU SHOULD HEAR. It speaks very bluntly about how fucked up the media’s portrayal of suicide is, among other issues around that theme. Its beautiful in my opinion. 

Obviously yes, as someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, this song obviously does resonate with me. But this is where I’ll go into the deeper lore for a moment.

In the world of Trench it’s been mentioned that the Neon Gravestones are one of the big symbols of Vialism- the religion in DEMA that is a religion that worships false light. In Vialism, those who have died in the name of Vialism are revered, respected, and glorified. Now look at the church. How many people have had their hardships and deaths be romanticized by the church? How often have I heard people say that if you die in the name of the church, you will be exalted? How many LGBTQ+ youth in Utah have killed themselves because they think that its better to die before they have sinned? How often growing up has the “Martyrdom” of Joseph Smith been romanticized and used to show how committed to the church he was? For hell’s sake there’s a song WRITTEN ABOUT HIM saying that he now will be glorified for eternity because he died for the church! He’s held with more respect than even Jesus in the church! I could go on for hours about how I feel about the way the church treats death and how fucked up it is that there have even been cases you can find online where people have been told it would be better that they killed themselves than be gay or be an apostate. I’ll get more into the Neon Gravestones symbolism later when I reach the Clancy letters. 

The Hype

Yet another song about reaching out for support and community as I was realizing the truth about the church. I also had a huge falling out with a close friend around the time the album released, so having this song to cope with it helped too. It feels like the acceptance of the fact I was slowly getting out of brainwashing and programming I’d had since I was an infant, and though I didn’t know where I was going in life anymore, I knew that I would have the people I trusted there with me every step of the way as I became a normal member of society and began a new, better life. 

A lot of songs in this album seem to be very chosen family oriented. This one just feels like a reminder to myself that I’ll be okay.

Nico and the Niners

This one is a little obvious. But i’ll go through it regardless. 

East is up, I'm fearless when I hear this on the low East is up, I'm careless when I wear my rebel clothes East is up, when Bishops come together they will know that Dema don't control us, Dema don't control East is up

This song was released at the same time as Jumpsuit, and honestly some of the same things apply. I realized how much this really fit my life at the time as I was working on getting out. How the literal bishops and leaders of the church as well as the figurative “bishops” of my life were who I was rebelling against. DEMA is a something I have actively called Utah ((mostly Salt Lake City and all other areas in the main valley)) before, for reasons from it literally being a city surrounded in huge walls((both the mountains as well as figurative walls)) that circled around a main central part ((Temple square)) where the bishops resided and performed rituals in the name of Vialism. The next lines mention that they, the bishops, want you to make you forget. They want you to be docile. To conform to them. Follow their rules and laws and teachings without questioning. Ignore and forget the things they don’t say in the moment are truth. In the video, Tyler is seen quietly preparing to escape, hiding in his room as yet another ritual is performed elsewhere in the city. He sneaks out of his dark room, where he meets the Banditos. He seems hesitant and scared at first, but they calm him down and welcome him.

What I say when I want to be enough What a beautiful day for making a break for it We'll find a way to pay for it Maybe from all the money we made, razorblade stores Rent a race horse and force a sponsor And start a concert, a complete diversion Start a mob and you can be quite certain We'll win but not everyone will get out

During this part, Tyler is loudly rebelling in the center of a courtyard, where all the people hiding and silently judging the Banditos from their windows can see and hear them. He sings about escaping and finding ways to prepare to run away, escaping the walls of DEMA and the watchful eyes of the bishops and those devoted to them. It’s after this that his friends, the Banditos, help him escape into the night from DEMA before he can be caught by the bishops, but leaving a trace behind to hopefully inspire the children still growing up and learning inside DEMA.

I compare my chosen family to the Banditos a lot, something that will become clear when we get to a song later on. My open rebellion, being myself and leaving the church, leaving Utah and the judgmental eyes of those still devoted to the church and their teachings... This is what the song is to me. I’ll win, I’ll escape, I will do what I can to inspire my younger brothers and sister to follow me out when they can. I’ll do what I can to help anyone still stuck in their DEMA, but in the end I had to leave. I had to listen to my chosen family and run. I had to get out of those walls before the metaphorical bishops of my life, my family, dragged me back down again into them and broke me further. In that way, Nico and the Niners is both the presidency of the church, but its also my parents. 

Cut my Lip

This one actually speaks to how I used to be, letting myself be abused and mistreated. The cycle of trying to escape but being dragged back in. Knowing I was being hurt but letting my programming and the thought that I had to love my family no matter what hurt me over and over. But though I’m bruised, I’ll keep moving.

Bandito

This is the big chosen family song. We have called ourselves Banditos a lot. I personally consider myself a Bandito. 

This is the sound we make When in between two places Where we used to bleed And where our blood needs to be

We are all in Trench right now, to various extents. I am mostly out of my DEMA, having physically left it but still dealing with the mental battles and the pulls from the “bishops” to return. Other members of my chosen family are dealing with abuse, neglect, trauma, mental illnesses, isolation, etc. We all have our own DEMA to escape, and we all do what we can to pull each other back into Trench and support each other as a family. 

In city, I feel my spirit is contained Like neon inside the glass, they form my brain

In Utah I felt trapped. Confined by what I could and could not say around my family because I was afraid of what would happen if they knew some of the things about me. About my opinions of the church. I had realized my brain had been manipulated and formed into what the church wanted, and I was starting to break free of it.

But I recently discovered it's a heatless fire Like nicknames they give themselves to uninspire

The opinions of my family and the church have begun to feel less important and the thought of rebelling against this has become easier and I have become more confidant in my beliefs. 

Begin with bullet, now add fire to the proof But I'm still not sure if fear's a rival or close relative to truth Either way it helps to hear these words bounce off of you The softest echo could be enough for me to make it through

I’m still afraid though, and I still have doubts pop up. And until I can fully break free of the brainwashing I was subject to for 21 years of my life, I’ll still have those doubts and fears. But hearing my chosen family reassure me and validate those feelings I have about the church helps me get past it and grow as a person.

As far as Sahlo Folina? We use it in my chosen family. When we see each other say it, we hurry to support each other and pull each other back from the personal bishops we have. For those who don’t know, Sahlo Folina in the lore is the call the Banditos cry out when they are stuck alone in Trench and need help. It doesn’t have a canon meaning otherwise, but many people have given it the meaning of the joy or act of creating. And my chosen family and I use this phrase to warn each other of panic attacks, or of dysphoria, or of a moment when we just need a little validation. This song is so important to us, and is one of the most beautiful songs on the album in my opinion. If you haven’t heard it, take a look at imabandi.to, its an interactive music video for the song that explains some of the deeper lore of Trench and is in general visually stunning.

Pet Cheetah

Honestly this is really just a bop, but its good for when I feel angry. Not just even at the church, in general its a good anger song because of how intense it feels. It also speaks to the isolation I felt, how I tried to calm myself down from my doubts for the longest time. It helps that the song kinda has a “Fuck it” moment halfway through.

I'm done with tip-toeing, I'll stay in my room My house is the one where the vultures are perched on the roof

The song then expresses the fear of losing everything, but its too late now. The anxiety is raising again, but I’ll do what I can to relax and keep going. 

Legend

This song actually makes me cry, because it reminds me of my grandparents. They were the two I was closer to than my own parents, and I was destroyed by their deaths. Even though I still feel them with me, I deeply miss them and I was scared for so long that I would never be able see them again because according to the church, I would have not been allowed to be near them again for eternity. “I look forward to having lunch with you again.” is the line that has made me break down crying before, because I know that no matter what happens, it’ll be okay. I wont go into my current beliefs here, but I know that my grandparents love me and that no matter what I’ll still get to see them again one day. 

Leave the City

And now that i’m crying from legend, let me personally sob for a moment about Leave the City, because this song is what I played as I finally left Utah. On my main blog, the title comes from this song. 

I'm tired Of tending to this fire I've used up all I've collected I have singed my hands It's glowing Embers barely showing Proof of life in the shadows Dancing on my plans  They know that it's almost They know that it's almost over 

This song expresses how I felt from my depression, the doubts, the abuse, the ongoing crisis as I realized more and more how much I had been lied to. I was being reassured by my chosen family and my other friends that it would be alright, that I’d get away and life would be better. Now that I’ve been out of that state for several months I can say they were 100% right, but while in the moment I was drained and tired and just wanted to be free. And the knowledge that one day I would leave was what kept me going and kept me alive.

But this year Though I'm far from home In TRENCH I'm not alone These faces facing me They know What I mean

Again, this feels like my chosen family, my Banditos. My real family, the people I trust most. The know who I am. They know where i’m coming from. And though I’m far from my end goals in life, and I’m still here in Trench, I am not alone. I have them with me, and for now that is what matters. 

Now, onto the lore and Clancy letters. Because honestly my relating to this doesn’t just stop at the music.

The following are quotes from the many “Clancy letters” that have come out sine the album was being teased.

Note 1:

As a child, I looked upon Dema with wonder, today, I am wrought with frustration, as I spend each day squinting for a glimpse of the top of the looming wall that has kept us here. It was upon my ninth year that I learned that Dema wasn’t my home. This village, after all of this time, was my trap. 

Before I became realized, I had deep affection for Dema. There was a wonderful structure to the city that put my cares to rest. Streets and locations were dependable, and the responsibilities of the day seemed to be accomplished with minimal effort. Once a task was taught and understood, we delighted in our ability to complete our obligations timely, and felt secure in knowing tomorrow's duties would be accomplished with the same efficiency. We all worked to represent our bishop with honor, and knew that each inhabitant of our region had a like-minded dedication to consistency.

Note 2:

To refer to Dema as my home has never felt accurate. Dema, to me, has simply been the place that I’ve existed, or, the 'slot' they've put me in. I've heard stories about the idea of "home," and its depiction has always seemed warm from the storyteller's description. There was a romantic ownership of the place they inhabited that I admired, but could never relate to.

Note 3:

Am I the only one who realizes that we've been lied to? Am I the only one not afraid of the notion that the nine have hijacked our trust, and extinguished the hope that once motivated our existence? We used to close our eyes and picture a better life, now this city is full of dry eyes caught in a trance of obedience, devoid of any trace of an identity.......My hope of something more is all I have in this rigid tomb, and I will not let it die.

I wanted to quote the fifth note, but the whole thing feels relatable to me as someone who left Utah. So here is the full letter:

I've made it out. I feel weightless. I know that place had always held me down, but for the first time, I can feel the unity that I had hoped for. It's been three nights now, and my breathing has changed - it's slower, and more full. It's like the air out here is actually worth taking in. I can see it back in the distance, and I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't constantly on my mind. I wish I could turn that fear off, but maybe the further I go, the less that fear will affect me. I feel betrayed by what I assumed was home. If I ever end up back there, I won't be able to look at it the same way. They are asleep. They're so sure that they know the truth, and carry on throughout their day with the same meaningless tasks. They've forgotten to look up, and to look outward, to understand that this isn't about 'in there.' This is about 'out here.' This new world surrounds me. I used to think the walls back home were massive- these green cliffs engulf me, and place me right in the middle- Trench is quite precarious at times, and it's easy to grow weary. But it's real, and it's true, and I'd much rather endure reality than to mindlessly be obedient to a life that someone else created for me. I've obsessed about this world for so long, that it feels more like home than anything I've experienced. Somehow, in this vast openness, I feel more protected than ever. The landscape feels endless, and I've found myself walking for hours without any true evidence of getting further down. But I've seen plants and colors out here that I'm not sure I've witnessed before. There's a beauty in the strangest places,- and the curiosity of what's next continues to motivate me. I wonder who else is out here. If what i assumed inside is true, there's got to be more like me. Sometimes I'll feel a presence, only to look up and see nothing. It's just another thing that I'm afraid of that also excites me. It all just confirms all of the things that I hoped to be true for all of this time. I am out here and I am very alive. I'm sometimes scared, but always discovering something new, and I will not stop. Cover me!

I’m not going to go into why these relate, it should be clear from my explanations of the songs why I can relate to these letters. If you are exmormon yourself, you might understand already anyway. 

Now finally, I’ll go into the letters in the site that I mentioned earlier, imabandi.to. These are actually where my blog icon and banner come from.

Remember when I explained Vialism? One of the notes goes further into it. 

The text reads “The necropolis glorifies the early graves of those who lost themselves along the way. Let us overthrow this concept as a symbol of dedication to and celebration of life.” and is accompanied by a caption that reads: 

STEADFAST IN OUR REBELLION AGAINST THE TEACHINGS OF VIALISM, WE TURN THEIR FALSE DOCTRINE UPON ITS HEAD. PROTECTED MORE THAN EVER, THE DOUBLE BARS ARE A SYMBOL OF LIFE AND HOPE. 

Overturning the symbol of false doctrine in order to celebrate the concept of life and being alive. This is what I want to do. Life should be enjoyed and celebrated and not controlled and given up for false teachings.

The icon for this blog is the Vulture symbol of the banditos. It comes from this note:

It reads: “The fear and pain shall not be elements that stop us, but what feeds us to persevere. The vultures above are our symbol of turning death to life.” And its caption reads:

WE ARE VULTURES. THE VULTURE SEES BOTH WORLDS, DEVOURING DEATH. A SYMBOL OF OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TURN DEATH INTO LIFE. MAY WE LEARN FROM WHAT WE'VE LOST, AND COMMIT TO LIVING.

So another symbol of committing to being alive and to life itself. It is to me a symbol of rebellion against the things I was taught and becoming my own, free person.

Finally, the banner I use on my blog. 

This one I have compared to being an apostate. The caption reads: 

THOSE WHO SEE CORRUPTION INSIDE THE LIES OF DEMA FEEL A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET OUT, AND ATTEMPTED ESCAPE SHOULD BE HONORED. MANY ARE PUNISHED WITH THE FAILED PERIMETER ESCAPE BADGE, BUT WEAR IT PROUDLY. IT IS THEIR SYMBOL OF THE BANDITØ UNDERGROUND — THE FEW, THE PROUD, AND THE EMOTIONAL. 

The label apostate is used often by people in religions as a label meant to shame, but we use it proudly. There are posts I have even seen about how “Apostate” means freed slave, and how it is a thing to be proud of. Much like how the note above says: “ We shall call our label of delinquince by a new name. This is who we are, and let us never be ashamed by the penalty placed upon us by false authorities.” I’m not ashamed to call myself an apostate anymore. I feared it at one point, but now I embrace it. It is what I am. I am freed, I am openly defying and rebelling against the false teachings of my childhood. And seeing this note was what solidified me relating this album and its lore to my life entirely. In my opinion, I escaped my DEMA. I saw the outside of the walls and was helped by those around me to escape them and find true freedom beyond them, in Trench. And although it will be a long time before I am truly free from the trauma and leftover programming that happened to me while I was in the LDS church, I have those around me who will reassure me and support me and let me know that I am never alone.

Anyway. I’m finally at the end of the post. Thank you for reading this. Cover me!

[delistylehardcore]

What are your ratings on all the different n. Gins out there max?

naughty dog: the true gin... the way he was conceived... the most crucial one. soft-spoken and spooky and almost emotionless and WEIRD, but he’s not TRYING to be weird and in your face about it like later iterations, it’s just... how he is, without thinking about it. i love him so much. there’s not a whole lot to go by but what’s there is. i love it. he’s so quiet most of the time but he starts falling apart fast when he’s agitated and that’s fun too. he has slight smug little bastard tendencies too and i love that. he’s slimy about it and it fits in so well with his creepiness. he’s even a little giggly in CTR and it’s... really cute...

wrath: WOC to me as a whole is another developer’s attempt to just be a direct continuation of the crash trilogy and emulate it as closely as possible, so i kind of see this gin as basically BEING naughty dog gin. the only difference is he has the funniest model out of any gin

all the character models in this game are. oh man. theyre great. they all look like this.

nitro kart: i appreciate this one. he’s especially chunky in this game and they gave him a more sinister-looking mechanical eye with a black sclera. that’s neat. i like him better with a white-sclera robot eye, but it’s a cool touch. spooky. he dances the robot when he wins a race and that’s absolutely precious. his personality is starting to change a little around this game, he’s getting a little more manic, but it’s fine. he’s just bein’ a lil’ weirdo.

twinsanity: this... might be the cutest gin to me. he’s adorable. he’s also REALLY TINY in this game which is great.

i like how he spends the whole game larping as a pirate. thats really good. he literally has like 2 lines in the final game (and one of them is him just going OOOOOOUUUUUUUUGHHHH while his mouth flaps up and down rapidly as if there should be an entire sentence coming out of his mouth, absolutely iconic and i love it) so there’s not much to go off of, but there are some deleted scenes with him in them and i can very much get down with the gin you can feel taking shape in those. he’s at a nice happy medium between eerie, emotionless igor and giggly manic walking talking invader zim reference. also his boss fight in this game is high art

tag team racing: i have... such mixed feelings on this one. this is the game where his personality kinda gets completely rewritten and uh... queercoding. so much of it. my god it’s tasteless. a lot of the humor derived from him in this game is like, so meanspirited it makes me uncomfortable lmao it’s not funny it’s just depressing. i’m intrigued by the change in color scheme, i dont dislike it, i just kinda... wonder why. he’s still cute at times and like with the humor in the radical-era games in general there ARE hits along with the many misses, but overall he gets a “uhhhhhhhhhhhhh” out of 10

titans/mutant: again, mixed feelings. i DO love how sycophantic he is and his creepy masochistic streak. that shit’s actually great - i feel terrible for this poor little guy but i have to admit i think its great. but his dialogue is very... “i watched one episode of invader zim.” the split personality and other shit meant to emphasize how iNsAnE he is is tasteless and painfully unfunny. i actually do love the voice work on him in these games though, the voice acting itself is very funny. they have kind of a fun character going on here, but at the same time it just doesn’t feel like gin. this is a different character, a different entity to me entirely.

remakes: again, this feels like a different character altogether to me, compared directly to the naughty dog games anyway. and i LIKE it, i love how sleazy he is, and even though i think his model in the crash 3 cutscenes is kinda shite i do love how fucking butt-ugly he is in this game. they really went all-out with making him look super gross and i honestly do love it. i’m just legitimately unable to see him as the same character as the gin in the naughty dog games. 

[pentaedar]

Dear 2021. Sara

this is 2020. Sara reporting for duty.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Ok, so its 31.12.2020., 19:37 atm, and sweet mother of god has this year been A RIDE.

First of all, what the actual fuck. The year started with ye usual January depression, even tho we had big plans for us. In Feb we even bought the ticket to Seoul (remember that big plan of finally traveling :’)). It cost us like whole two months of paycheck from two jobs, but by god we were gonna do it. COVID was mentioned at that point, but we all kinda brushed it off. Even started your mandatory 3 weeks of internship in school for a week in March and then everything went to COVID-related shit. I honestly don’t really remember much of April or May, I know we spent about 7ish (or so) weeks without leaving our house at all (not even like...to go to the store) and I remember the anxiety because uni didn’t start back up until mid April again. Online classes suck major balls. June was a bit better, and summer in general was p good tbh. Even saw some friedns for a short and socially distanced while. Even went for a vacation. And in September we started our first full time job (!!!) - you’re a school teacher, an authority (tbh a clown, girl your hair is still green :’)). Sep-Oct-Nov-Dec were a whirllwind of stress and work and learning on the go - because 7 years of uni prepared us for jack shit. 

I’m happy to report that we’re still in a happy, loving relationship. At this point, it truly seems like it might be for forever. Theres something soothing in knowing sleeping next to him might be what i do till the end of my days. He makes me feel loved even when i dont love myself and i hope its still the same for you in 2021. Its beautiful to see him grow and shape into a beautiful, loving, capable, strong and willful person with a strong sense of self and growing selfesteem. He’s changed for the better and its making your relationship stronger as well.

This was a weird year... March had a pretty big earthquake, scared everyone pretty hard, and lockdown had just started a week prior so it was a weird time. Summer almost felt normal, like old times, honestly, but the numbers rapidly went to shit on the COVID front. End of summer was also the start of all the harder bullshit. Even tho we got employed, we lost two grandparents in the span of 40 days. Some big regrets were uncovered. Some good people around us died this year. Work itself was stressful, and probably will be in 2021. too. So much has changed in a year...

But I think we learned a lot. Most of all, I feel like i know the importance of letting people I care about know they’re appreciated and cared for. You never know when everything will go to shit. Everyday worries feel especially irrelevant considering the earthquakes that hit in the last 4 days. Sure, I’m 26 (and a half) still not done with uni (...we opted to write two thesis’ because fuck me right), still living with my parents... but I’m loved, i have good friends, I have a good partner, I’m healthy, I’m doing p good monetarely, I’m employed... and thats more than a lot of people can say for themselves.

In 2021. most of all I wish you health and happiness. Things have been tough and scary, but we have to pull through. Its prime time to start working on yourself (your self-image went to crap again, but tbh we’ve been living in sweatpants and old t-shirts since march so like...yeah), your shortages, your insecurites and your bad habits. I hope youre still as happy (if not even happier) when you read this as you are rigth now. Even though it has felt like the end of the world for months now, you are strong and capable and adaptable (even though your anxiety says differently). Half of doing something is believing you can, which sounds stupid af but is true.

Don’t worry about things that are out of your control and keep letting small things in life bring you happiness. You’re doing well, I’m sure of it.

Love,

2020. Sara.

31.12.2020., 20:08

P.S.

You’re only working two jobs, no more late nights and articles. Good job for standing up for yourself :3 Also i hope 2021. is the year when we finally get to travel bc jfc...

Happy new year, I hope its a good one

Dear 2015 Sara,

this is 2014 Sara speaking.

It’s 311214, 22.31 at the moment. You’ve been feeling kind of sad and anxious lately about your future-I hope it’s better by the time you’re reading this. You feel sad and alone, spending New Years Eve at home, mostly in your room. It’s cold, around -8. Tell me, is it better where you’re at? Are you happier? You should be. I hope you’ve learned to lose less time on stupid shit and got more organised. I hope you’re smiling.

2014 overall had been an okay year for you, really. The end was kind of shit, but then again, you’re fairly young and nothing major and un-fixable had happened yet. You’ve met some amazing people this year. I hope you know you have friends - you aren’t alone. You passed most of your exams. You lost some weight, and got some selfconfidence. You learned some korean, and borke some promises to yourself, like “Yes, I’m totally gonna do my homework today.”. Man, you need to learn how to be productive again

I put my hope in you, 2015 Sara. I hope you’ve worked on yourself as a person, I hope you’re brighter and better. Also, your 2014 skin is super soft. Just so you know. It’s 311214, 22.40 now.

Love (and hope);

Sara 2014.

[icanneverbesatisfied]

the longest tag game in the history of ever

i’m tagging friends that i think need to suffer: @secretschuylersister @steiiarrs @a-bitch-stole-my-nutella @living-in-a-whale (i love you all I swear)

i was tagged by: @maybe-mikala @linmanuclmiranda and I think @butlinislin?? I’m not sure

the last…

drink? Root beer

phone call? My best friend calls for literally everything. Y'all should see my call history

text message? from @queerenbian

song you listened to? Long-Legged Guitar Pickin’ Man. My mom is angry because I won’t sing it for my grandparents

time you cried? i cried a little this afternoon because my screen door cut my foot open

dated someone twice? nope

kissed someone and regretted it? i have kissed exactly zero people y'all

been cheated on? im not sure????? Hard to explain

lost someone special? i have

been depressed? i don’t think so

gotten drunk and thrown up? i have never been drunk in my LIFE y'all

favorite colors

turquoise

mauve

purple

in the last year, have you…

made new friends? yep!

fallen out of love? cant say I have

laughed until you cried? thats an everyday thing for me

found out someone was talking about you? i did and it was interesting

met someone who changed you? i mean, maybe?

found out who your friends are? lol that’s an every year thing

kissed someone on your facebook list? see number 7. And also I don’t have facebook

general

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? see number 21

do you have any pets? i have a cat named cali, a dog named Rivi, and two guinea pigs names mocha and Sophia, though we call her Sophie a lot

do you want to change your name? i mean, sometimes?? Idk

what did you do for your last birthday? i was in DC so a lot of walking

what time did you wake up? 8:11

what were you doing at midnight last night? wrecking havoc on the world… not actually. I was just chillin’

name something you can’t wait for: the pizza my mom just ordered

when was the last time you saw your mom? …. I live with her

what are you listening to right now? (What happened to question thirty???) we’re watching the breakfast club (again lol) so that

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? i have. Several. They’re all bitches

something that is getting on your nerves? MY PREGNANT NEIGHBOUR THATS SMOKING LIKE HER LIFE DEPENDS ON IT

most visited website? tumblr, without a doubt

hair colour? Currently? my normal hair colour, so like, kinda brown??? In between brown and blonde???

long or short hair? long

do you have a crush on someone? ye

what do you like about yourself? nothing?????

piercings: my ears are pierced. I’m boring when it comes to piercings

blood type: i have no fucking clue man

nickname: Ro, Rosie, Lo, Loge (pronounced like Doge) Loge (pronounced like Not-Doge), Logynn Rosie, Logini (sigh), and Jack calls me Logine a lot, for whatever reason

relationship status: what is this concept of ‘relationships’?

zodiac: Libra and i take nothing more seriously than I take my Libra identity

pronouns: she/her

favourite tv show: Grace and Frankie and Superstore. That’s it.

tattoos: nothing but I want a bunch

right or left handed: right handed but I can decently use my left hand

surgery: nothing

piercing: (This is a repeat question, so lemme tell you the one I want instead?) (same mickey) I WANT SO MANY! Nose piercing, I want to get some more piercings in my ear

sport: i love football okay

vacation: delaware. Or DC

pair of trainers: aca scuse me

more general

eating: pretty much anything

drinking: P E P S I. Or root beer

i’m about to: actually sit down and write for once in my life

waiting for? THE FUCKING PIZZA MY MOM ORDERED

want? P I Z Z A

get married? if I meet the right person. Also not saying 'guy’ there feels weird because life has conditioned me to assume I’m marrying a dude

career? BROADWAY PIT ORCHESTRA

hugs or kisses? i love both

lips or eyes? BOTH

shorter or taller? theres many advantages with both

older or younger? as long as it’s legal and consenting, I don’t see any problems

nice arms or nice stomach? i agree with Mickey. All bodies are good and I love your arms and tummies no matter the size or shape

hook up or relationship? relatioship. I crave stability

troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker

kissed a stranger: see 7 and 21

drank hard liquor: maybe accidentally????

lost glasses/contact lenses: lol the majority of my life has been spent searching for my glasses

turned someone down: YES AND IT HURT MY SOUL BECAUSE HE SENT ME A NICE NOTE AND IT HAD HAMILTON LYRICS AND I FELT SO BAD

sex on the first date: hahahahahahahahahahahano

broken someone’s heart: I HOPE NOT

had your heart broken: ye

been arrested: nope

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: story of my life y'all

do you believe in…

yourself? i wish

miracles? yep

love at first sight? yes ma'am

santa claus? hard to explain

kiss on the first date? depends on how the date went

angels? yes and no

current best friend’s name: jack, Jonah and Cailyn. And sonia

eye colour: blue/gray. It teeters on the edge

favourite movie: ive been sucked into an 80’s movie spiral. So right now, Some Kind of Wonderful and Breakfast Club

[dreamwriting-things-blog]

DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY DREAMS

Depressed people dream much more on average. It shows that they cannot get negative thoughts off their mind.

This article will look at specific dreams from people who are depressed. But, first it is perhaps best to look at the dreams of depressed people generally. Modern psychologists have started to view dreams in a new way. It has been known for a long time that depressed people dream much more often than those who are not depressed. Time after time depressed people report how they wake up tired and exhausted. That they have spent the whole night dreaming. That they wake up more depressed than they went to sleep.

Nightmares at one time were thought of in a positive light. Those such as Freud argued that depression can be traced back to things that happen in childhood. In confronting our anxieties we can start to deal with the source of our illness.

Yet its more likely that many bad dreams simply reinforce the dreamers state of mind. Talking about traumas from the past simply fuel the fire. Deeply depressed people can simply wallow in their own anxiety.

It has been noticed that victims of trauma can be those who have the most developed imaginations. They allow their worries to get out of control.

Just how accurate is this modern view of depression? Yes depressed people certainly dream more. But if you stop them dreaming will this cure them? Thats not likely to be the case. Their dreams merely play out the waking anxieties. The heart of the problem is that depressed people get into a cycle. They simply cannot break out of their problems. They simply go round in circles feeling resentful. Therapy may allow them to hopefully view their situations from a new and fresh perspective.

In many ways it is pointless to study the dreams of depressed people as a separate group. But this article brings together dreams from people who have openly stated that they were very depressed at the time or were suffering from deep trauma or depression.

Dreams are by their nature metaphors for your life. All metaphors will tend to be exaggerations from the truth. So depression dreams will not differ that much from those people who have much milder forms of depression - those who are simply bored or fed up. Both will choose extreme metaphors to express their feelings.

Having said that - here is a selection of dreams from people who were severely depressed, paranoid or traumatised.

DEPRESSED DREAM I am on a bridge which is known for people jumping off committing suicide. I am without hope and feeling paralysed. I slowly edge down the path. There seems nowhere left to go.

THE REALITY The dreamer had felt seriously depressed over a long period of time. The dreamer mentioned that he had felt extremely depressed and on the point of suicide. Clearly the dream captures this. In the dream he does not jump but is simply edging towards suicide. It shows that his is the direction he is heading.

PARANOID DREAM - There is a man pointing at me. He is moving about frantically and is pointing right in my face.

THE REALITY Recently the dreamer had been very depressed. The day before he was also very paranoid. He had walked into town and was very nervous walking along. He felt people were looking at him. The dream emphasises that feeling that he is being targeted and looked at. This resulted in an extreme anxiety attack. ------------------ THE DREAM - I was in a building with gangsters. I suddenly realised that I was in danger so I started to shoot the gangsters. It was kill or be killed. I managed to kill them all.

THE REALITY The dreamer was prone to depression. She tended to lack trust in people. She had recently become more withdrawn and paranoid. She was not willing to trust anyone. The world of the gangster is a sordid one where you can trust no one. The dreamers own life had become like this and she was unable to trust anyone. ------------------ THE DREAM - I am then in some swamp area. There is a slug moving around me. A bee comes near me but I avoid it. I am in some long room. It appears to have lots of people. There is Terry Marsh there. He is dressed in some very odd clothes. He has a jumper on and a weird hat. I am then in some car in the back seat. There are some TVs there. There are three of them(reminds me of an old and out of shape Elvis Presley who watched a bank of TV's).

THE REALITY The dreamer had been sat at home for too long. He had been watching TV and just not doing anything and felt depressed. The symbols of the dream caught this mood:Elvis getting old and out of shape watching a bank of TVs; Terry Marsh a play on words linking to swamp like territory and with that a mood stuck in the mud. The weird clothes was symbolic of how the dreamer saw himself - worrying that he looked weird. All this showed how low and isolated the dreamer felt. ------------------ INTRUDER DREAM - I am in in my home. Suddenly the people are within it. They are intruding right into it. There seems to be a partition within the house and the intruders are in this part and have every right to be there.

THE REALITY The dreamer had been very ill. He had the opportunity to move into sheltered housing with a warden. He was worried that his independence would go. Obviously psychiatric help can be very intrusive. If you are taken into psychiatric hospital this is obviously a very intrusive act. A patient has to deal with their own depressive thoughts along with a sense of trauma at their lives being taken over. This dreamer had lived life independently and now felt he may have to give up that independence. ------------------ DREAM I was with my best friend from school(I haven't seen him for many years). I am pleased that he has returned. I keep enthusiastically talking to him. I am asking him what his music tastes are now. He doesn't answer.

THE REALITY The dreamer had had a very hard life and had recently sought psychiatric help. He was now starting to respond to treatment. He woke up feeling thankful of the help he was receiving and felt he had come to a turning point. He felt more able to talk openly about his problems. What struck him about the friend in the dream was that he never spoke when he asked a question. This reminded him of his therapist who never really engaged in conversation. She merely asked questions. The dream shows that the dreamer was trusting in the process. His therapist had effectively become his best friend.

If your dream is like a nightmare then the dream probably reflects your current emotional state. The nightmare being symbolic of your negative feelings and state of hopelessness.

THE DREAM I dreamed about a primary school teacher. She had a rapport with her children. She managed to make them eat up "all their food" so as to make them healthy and strong. Then in the school he was playing some sort of game. The game involved handling a snake. I knew that this snake was not too dangerous as you could tell by looking at it. At the back of my mind I felt it could be dangerous but still I was holding it.

THE REALITY The dreamer was receiving therapy to help overcome strong phobias and paranoia. He was very scared in many social situations. The day before he saw his therapist and immediately after leaving he set about a task which he had been putting off. He had been encouraged by his therapist and had realised that he was starting to overcome his phobias. The snake represented his ability to handle difficult and highly phobic situations. The snake was dangerous(like the challenges he had set himself) but was not THAT dangerous. His goals were achievable. The teacher, of course represents the dreamers therapist who was encouraging him. ------------------------ CONCLUSIONS The dreams of mentally ill people compared to those not suffering are not substantially different. It is not helpful to study the dreams of the depressed. Suicide often appears as a common symbol in dreams. Most of those are highly symbolic. Suicide often appears when a dreamer simply wants to give up in despair. Yet dreams do not say if the dreamer has given up generally or if they have merely given up on something very specific (eg "I simply cannot do maths - I have totally given up").

Dreams do not so much link to reality but rather the reality of your emotions. If you feel really negative then your dream reinforces that negativity. Someone who is depressed may experience a dream which places them in some worst possible scenario and so brings to life their most negative fears. This is not truth - its just the reality as that person sees it.

Mental illness is not something that you either have or do not have. It is more like a sliding scale. People can be depressed in very mild ways. Their dreams will be remarkably similar to those who are deeply depressed and in need of treatment. In the same way all people have mild paranoia's which result in remarkably similar dreams to a deeply paranoic person.

If you are severely mentally ill then this can affect your life in many ways. It may involve intrusive questioning and hospitalization. Expect dreams to link to the loss of independence which serious mental illness can result in.

Expect dreams at crucial moments. Changes in the severity of the illness will result in dreams. A dream notes noticeable improvements and setbacks in the dreamers health. Dreams will also show how the dreamer is dealing with and interacting with their treatment. If they are thinking negatively about the treatment. If they are enthusiastic about help and embracing the possibility of change.

Interpreting dreams does not really help you. So do not try to cure mental health conditions by studying your dreams. Dreams can easily be misinterpreted. They can be used to get patients talking about themselves. Many psychologists ask a dreamer what their dreams mean. They are not interesting in the dreams themselves they are simply trying to get a patient to open up about their feelings.