#the full monty is one of my top movies of all time

[laswells-ashtray]

John is a fan of The Full Monty, and he has a thing about Robert Carlyle in that movie but refuses to admit it lest he sits through another one of Soap's rants about the attractiveness of Scottish men.

[twins-write]

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[kakashixhatakesxwhore]

CAN WE GET A ALBUMS YHEY WOULD FUCK WITH PART TWO? any characters u want!!

teehee i didn't know y'all rocked w the first - lmk if i missed anyone, or if you want a girls version/an akatsuki version - thank you so much for the request!! :)

Albums I Think They Would Fuck With 2

They: Choji, Kiba, Shino, Sai, Neji, Lee, Kankuro, Gaara, Shisui, Gai, Asuma, Yamato, Jiraiya

Summary: Which of my fav albums I think each of my fav Naruto men would enjoy the most - also a classic rock recommendation list (if you rock w the character, you'd probably get down to the album)

Fav not here? Try part 1, or send me a request!

Masterlist💿

Choji

Without a Net (Live) by The Grateful Dead

Choji would be soooo salty that he never got to go to a Dead show, because he doesn't think their studio albums hold a candle to their live performances. That said, he would adore the Grateful Dead, without long and experimental their songs are (there's something to appreciate about not having to flip the record for an hour, instead of forty minutes).

Kiba

Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys

Deadass, he would think Pet Sounds is a much better album than Sgt. Pepper, and there is no way to convince him otherwise. Kiba would want to be a Wilson brother.

Shino

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme by Simon & Garfunkel

Ugh, so relaxing, so dreamy, and so easy to sing along. Shino would so love this album, because it would relax him in a way that only Si & Garf could.

Sai

Begin Here by The Zombies

Sai would love the shredding vocals and how full the music is, even the sad songs - the lyrics from multiple songs off this album would speak to him on multiple levels.

Neji

Deliver by The Mamas and The Papas

Melancholic but gentle, while still delivering strong, hopeful messages? Yeah, pen Neji down rn.

Lee

Love Grows & Other Gems by Edison Lighthouse

Screaming and crying over this - Lee would be so taken by the love songs, and he'd be whistling the darling melodies all the time. Even the ballads, Lee would be singing so beautifully.

Kankuro

Thirty Three & 1/3 by George Harrison

Would love the jazz, love the symbolism, love George Harrison. Kankuro would find this album chock-full of bangers. Not one of these tunes would be skipped, not until Kankuro has experienced it (he also will turn back the needle if he felt he wasn't appreciating a song properly).

Gaara

The Stranger (Legacy Edition) by Billy Joel

Needs to be the Legacy Edition, because Gaara fucks with the B-side heaviest (y'all need to indulge rn). He literally cries to Billy Joel's voice, and loves to forget about things while he listens to this album.

Shisui

Moving by Peter, Paul and Mary

Happy cries to this album over memories that aren't even his. He wouldn't be able to stop himself from singing along, especially to Puff and Tiny Sparrow.

Gai

Tommy by The Who

He would go an see the live show - and he would think that Tommy was a real person (before he sits down to chew on the possibility of a deaf, dumb, and blind kid being a pinball champion). Gai would still find the spirit of Tommy to be an inspiration and a testament to the power of youth.

Asuma

Physical Graffiti by Led Zeppelin

Hot damn, what is there to say? Asuma would literally wish he was John Bonham (Jimmy Page would be a far too ambitious pick, and he would know that, but never admit it).

Yamato

It Ain't Me Babe by The Turtles

Awe, sweetie!!! He would love this album for the love songs, but tell everyone he loved it for the revolution ballads (also lowk hates the stereo recordings, but finds mono too boring).

Jiraiya

Monty Python Sings by the Monty Python troupe

Oh, he fucks with regular music too, of course. But these. These songs would make him laugh so hard, on top of being so strangely good, and he would fuck with the Monty Python movies so hard.

[scotianostra]

11th March 1932 saw the birth of Binkie Stuart, the child film actress, in Kilmarnock.

Born Elizabeth Alison Fraser in Kilmarnock, to a musician father and actress mother, the blonde youngster was named "London's Most Beautiful Baby" at the age of two. After she won first prize in a Daily Mail competition in 1935, her father became her full-time manager and arranged for her to audition for film director Monty Banks, who wanted a child for his next film, a George Formby vehicle, Keep Your Seats Please.

The child's character was called "Binkie" in the film, and the name was appropriated for the young star, who was billed as "Binkie Stuart" he surname coming from her Scottish ancestry.

The movie's musical highlight was Formby's rendition of his famous hit, "When I'm Cleaning Windows". Stuart did a short table-top version of "I'm on the Tip of my Toes" which was strained and tentative, and all her major lines of dialogue were filmed in isolated close-up. The producer Basil Dean had tried to dissuade Banks from using her, maintaining that she was too young but, despite her obvious inexperience, her winsome personality and cute smile endeared her to audiences. Other minor films followed, but none of note

Until Stuart's biggest role in My Irish Molly, the last film made by Maureen O'Hara before her departure to the United States. As an orphan mistreated (yet again) by a domineering aunt, Stuart stole the film, described by one critic as "a Shirley Temple flick without Temple", but the advent of war prevented a planned trip to Hollywood and her film career came to an abrupt halt. Later there was some friction with her father when she rejected his plans for her to become a variety performer on the music-hall stage, insisting instead that she would become a dramatic actress.

She worked as a dental receptionist and, after a further unsuccessful attempt to become an actress in her mid-twenties, she became an assistant in an electrical store, where she met her husband John Prentice. The couple had three children, and Prentice died in 1980, after which Alison Prentice, as she had become, worked as a telephonist and a nurse.

She died on 15th August 2001, aged 69, it’s a shame there are no pics of her when she was older, and had World War Two not got in the way, who knows how she would have got on in Hollywood?

[mrscottdavis]

Filmmaker-A-Month: Terry Gilliam- Wrap Up

This month’s watch was a blast! Even the Gilliam films that aren’t great (the 2000s) aren’t horrible to watch. I had fun! It was the perfect way to end a year full of great films and tired late-night Scotts. Above is my ranking and here are some thoughts.

I’ve seen other Gilliam lists that don’t include Holy Grail because it’s believed that most of the live-action stuff was directed by Terry Jones, but I don’t care. I’ve made it my number 1, a bit because of nostalgia and a bit because it still makes me laugh hard after 30 years. In all the Monty Python films (and sketches) there are a ton of throw away lines that are just golden. So good. I’m pretty sure I was introduced to Monty Python before ever watching SNL so I think they were my introduction to sketch comedy, besides Looney Tunes and Disney shorts (which I now consider sketch comedy).

I used to think Brazil was a masterpiece and would have been at the very top of my ranking. I still think it’s a fantastic film but was kind of shocked that I placed it 4th. I just didn’t find it as solid as the 3 in front of it. 

I do think The Fisher King IS a masterpiece. I hadn’t seen it since I was a kid and it blew me away. I think it’s his most grounded film; all the fantastical, Gilliamesque elements are imagined, which gives it a bit more heart than something like Brazil. I also think it’s Robin WIlliams’s best performance. 

12 Monkeys was one of the coolest movies I’d ever seen when I was in high school. And it still is. I’ve never watched the TV show. Should I?

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen gets a bad rap. It was a box office flop but I think it’s due for a reevaluation for cult status because it’s fun as hell and doesn’t feel out of place along with Gilliam’s best. I believe Time Bandits is considered a great film of his and this is even better. 

I think the failed Johnny Depp Quixote film broke Terry. All the films he made after it fell apart are missing something. And that something is a plot that makes sense. All of them are just so confusing it doesn’t matter if they’re cool to look at. With the exception of Brother’s Grimm, which makes sense but is not cool to look at.

I guess some people really like Tideland. I did not. It’s gross. It made me very uncomfortable. Starts with a little girl giving her dad heroin, ends with pedophilia. Nothing redeemable in it for me. Sorry.

I really hope that since he’s finally made the Quixote film he’ll knock the next one out of the park. He has something in development. Fingers crossed.

And that was year 2 of Filmmaker-A-Month! What a year! Thanks for following along, if you did follow along. Is anyone reading this? I have no idea. Moving on to year 3. It’s not going to be much different except I’ll be starting the year with a little lighter load so I can get caught up with some 2024 films. Find out who I’ll be starting with tomorrow! Check out the clues on IG, Twitter, other place, other other place. Follow me everywhere!

[fremulon]

is there any masterposts on easter eggs or some analysis on good omens s1?

im rewatching it and i want to be more aware of the little hidden things

Ooh I don't know of anything but @fuckyeahgoodomens might have something!

Some that I can think of off the top of my head:

You can see Terry Pratchett's hat and scarf in Aziraphale's bookshop

The guard at the airbase is reading American Gods

Crowley's license plate is NIATRUC which is "curtain" backwards and a reference to a scene from Monty Python

Arthur Young's license plate is SIDRAT or "Tardis" backwards and he addresses Crowley as "Doctor"

There's a number of little tells that Aziraphale and Crowley aren't who they appear to be at the end of episode 6, I think

I think there's a set of Just William books in Aziraphale's reconstituted bookshop which iirc was one of the inspirations for the Them/Adam parts

Neil Gaiman is sleeping in the movie theater when Crowley is there

I think there's various times where you can see some of the other Agnes Nutter prophecies onscreen

This isn't an Easter egg but in the Globe scene if you just listen to Hamlet doing his monologue, I'm pretty sure he's repeating lines: he does the part starting "for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil" twice. Also, Shakespeare calls him "Burbage" who was the star player of the Lord Chamberlain's men and the original Hamlet.

When Newt is introduced, the camera malfunctions a bit in apparent reference to his technological curse.

Newt's scene at his new job is filmed in a camera style similar to "The Office." Also I THINK but I'm not positive that the group doing management training at Tadfield Manor is the same as the company Newt gets fired from.

The movie "Witchfinder General" is playing on the TV in the background of Crowley's meeting with Shadwell

I think everyone knows this but the use of Queen songs is a nod to the book which has a running gag that all cassette tapes left in a car for more than 2 weeks become a Best of Queen album

Also not really an Easter egg but in the book the third baby DOES survive and have tropical fish and he's a minor character named Greasy Johnson! JUSTICE FOR GREASY

You can see Elvis in...I think the restaurant Famine is in? As a reference to the conspiracy theory about Elvis still being alive (in the book Death also comments that he never took him)

There's a TON more though I know, so if anyone has a link to a full list, chime in to help anon!

[howdy-cowpoke]

TIMING: A couple days ago LOCATION: Alan's house PARTIES: Monty (@howdy-cowpoke) & Alan (@alan-duarte) SUMMARY: During a weekly get-together, Monty drops a rather heavy subject on the table. Alan manages to both support him and pick on him. It's soft. CONTENT WARNINGS: Homophobia (mentions from long long ago)

—

The sky burned pink and gold as brown boots scuffed their way along the path leading to the home’s front door. It was the night of their weekly ritual: dinner, where they sometimes pretended to be normal, sometimes not, and drinks and long talks that lasted late into the night. Sometimes they’d play a board game, other times go for a walk, others still they’d watch a movie. Whatever the activity, it gave them time to catch up with one another, busy as they both were during the week. 

Monty did his best to clean up for his friend, but he knew that the clothes he owned would always earn him the rise of an eyebrow or a cheeky comment—delivered with affection, of course. Alan was a good friend, even when he was picking on the zombie. And Monty didn’t mind it that much anymore—it had made him self-conscious at first, but these days, after half a decade of friendship? It was expected. Anticipated. He knew Alan cared about him, and was much more secure in that sense than he’d been in the weeks following their first meet in the woods. 

What a night that had been.

Straightening the bottom hem of his button-up, Monty reached for the handle and let himself in. Alan always left it unlocked when he knew his friend was en route, and Monty always made sure to lock it again behind him. “¡Cariño, estoy en casa!” he called into the familiar home, wearing a light smirk. Something sure smelled good, even to his dulled senses. Alan had a habit of over-seasoning Monty’s food to make sure he could taste it, which was all the zombie could ask for. 

Making his way to the kitchen, Monty’s smile broadened when he set his gaze on the man, lifting a bottle into view. “Grateful customer gave me this the other day, thought you might enjoy it,” he explained, setting the alcohol down on the counter. “What’s on the menu tonight?”

—

“Finalmente ! I was all alone with my thoughts, how dare you do this to me,” a smile spread on Alan’s lips as he wiped his hand on the dishcloth tucked into his apron’s belt. “I’m making chupe de centolla,” perhaps seeing all those crabs had fed a certain craving for seafood, but it wasn’t nearly warm enough yet to enjoy a platter full of it with some garlic mayonnaise and a chilled glass of rosé wine. Looking over his shoulder at the sound of familiar footsteps approaching, he pressed his lips together. Alright, he was wearing a shirt, and it wasn’t worn open, on top of a tee shirt. He wasn’t convinced about the quality of that cotton but figured that this was a conversation that would need a chair and a glass of liquor to get through to him. Besides, he should have just appreciated that the other was willing to make an effort at all. A lot of people didn’t even try. 

Still his eyebrows raised as he looked at the other’s shoes. “We should go shopping for shoes sometimes,” he finally stated. Did that sound bitchy? Perhaps, but Alan was hellbent on finding his friend dates and he wouldn’t have him show up to those, whenever they finally came to reality, with those. 

“Details,” he brushed it off, and finally offered a fond smile at his friend as he stepped forward with his arms open. “Time for the hug, going in,” he warned, as he pulled Monty into his embrace. Alan wasn’t the most tactile, but there was a reassuring side to Monty that allowed him to lower certain barriers that were difficult for him to eliminate yet. It couldn't be easy every day, to show such kindness and gentleness, Alan knew he wouldn't have been able to do that. To him, accepting vulnerability felt akin to turning up his cheek to get slapped.

“Alright, come over here, let me know how that tastes.”

—

Normal food didn’t do much for Monty in the ways of nutrition, but he’d never been able to let go of that diet entirely. Especially not after meeting someone like Alan, who was happy to cook for the both of them with such regularity. Monty’s version of cooking was a can of beans held over an open flame until it was too hot to touch. It lacked… everything. 

“Oh come on, what’s wrong with my boots?” the zombie protested, looking down at them. They weren’t his work boots at least, though that wasn’t to say he hadn’t worn them while riding Habanero now and then… cowboy boots were just comfortable. Alan always seemed to value appearance over comfort, or maybe they just had wildly different ideas of what was comfortable. Whatever. He still laughed about it, waving the other off. There was no point in trying to get out of the shopping trip—Alan would take him, one way or the other. He was always trying to get him to look more presentable, but Monty was happy as a clam in his overalls and workin’ boots. 

Seeing the other man’s arms open wide, Monty braced himself for the tight hug that was incoming. It’d taken him a while to warm up to them, typically shying away from any and all touch, but curiously, Alan had been just as apprehensive. The first one they’d shared had been a bit of an awkward affair that they had laughed about later, but since then, it was just as expected and sought after as the man’s subtle ways of telling Monty he dressed like a redneck. His palms braced against Alan’s back, Monty gave him a rough pat before pulling back again, shaking his head. 

“You know asking me to taste test is a bad idea, hermano,” he chuckled, moving with his friend over to the mixture that still sat atop a burner on the stove. For one thing, his sense of taste was all out of wack. For another, he was a simple man, and used his pointer finger to dunk it right into the dip rather than grab a spoon. Giggling to himself, knowing full well it would probably annoy Alan, Monty stuck his finger in his mouth. His eyebrows rose and he began to nod enthusiastically, making pleased sounds around the digit. “¡Oye! That’s good!” came the compliment once he’d licked his finger clean. “But I shouldn’t be surprised, eh?” he teased immediately after, giving Alan’s apron a flick. “Proper chef, this one.”

—

“For the sake of our friendship, I’ll keep my words to myself,” there wasn’t much to say anyway. They weren’t so bad, except for the fact that Alan knew for certain that they weren’t only worn for dinner parties. He couldn’t have pulled it off himself, which certainly made him envious, up to a certain point. In his mind, he was simply better suited for tailored suits and the odd flannel shirt, when the urge to garden or work on his plane struck him. He could dress casually, but even then, there was something about the fabrics he wore that made him look elevated. 

You had to admit this much : their hugging game had tremendously improved since their first one. How many of those had there been? Yes, it had been a while since that encounter in the woods. They had made such progress. Alan while he still had to be convinced about the benefits of living in the countryside, had been introduced to Habanero. In return, Alan had introduced his friend to his family. Both were too important to him not to eventually meet. Perhaps was there something reassuring about a zombie’s stubborn will to remain on Earth, and Alan was grateful for the stability of their relationship, the steadiness of their meetings. Once a week, every week, without fail. 

“You just have to ruin my attempt to be actually nice for once,” a pause, “as if I’d forget your tastebuds are fucked,” years ago, he wouldn’t have dared to say something like that, concerned as he would have been about hurt feelings. Insults were now incorporated in a natural friendship language that they shared happily. “Anyhow, there’s enough flavor in here to …” To put your finger right into it, of course. And he was the animal? Alan only tolerated it because it was him, but that was still quite the eye sore. “You fucking prick,” he slapped his hand away and turned off the stove. “Get in the garden, I’ve set the appetizers there, and the drinks,” he didn’t even have to motion toward that direction, and instead put a lid over his decidedly delicious soup. 

—

Monty could only roll his eyes in response at that point and let the comment slide, knowing he’d be hearing about it again later, anyway. Whenever they were out somewhere that he could be dragged into a shoe store, god forbid. 

“Yep, making your kindness stink is basically my favorite hobby, at this point,” Monty cackled, shaking out the hand that’d been so unceremoniously slapped away from the pan and making a big show of his defeat as he backed away from the stove. “Okay, but I’m bringing my liquor with me,” he announced, snatching the bottle he’d brought off the countertop with one hand and heading out to the garden. 

It really was a treat, as usual. And Monty could taste everything, for the most part! Alan really did try his best to make it palatable for the zombie, and the effort didn’t go unappreciated as he sang the praises of everything his friend had prepared for them. Would it actually fill him or give him energy? No, but that wasn’t the point of these get-togethers. It never had been. Truthfully, Monty spent a very great deal of his time feeling hungry, because he refused to eat what he was supposed to until Alan was able to provide the head of a hunter, or a Hunter, or really anyone else that crossed him. Every time, Monty tried to refuse, but what was the point? He could never keep his hunger under control longer than five minutes when in the presence of exposed grey matter, anyway. But this was different than that, and Monty much preferred these meetings. 

At least an hour had passed since he’d arrived, maybe more, and he could feel The Question bubbling just beneath the surface. It was one he’d been trying to ask for months now, but never had the courage to get out. Which was stupid, because it wasn’t damning or anything, Monty was just an emotionally stunted coward, was all. But whatever the reason, he decided that tonight would be the night he brought it up, because it was probably more agonizing to be holding onto it every time he saw Alan. 

“Hey, uh… I got a weird question. And if you don’t want to answer, you can tell me to—” The need for a curse fell dead on his tongue, creating a notable pause in his speech before he continued. “Well, anyway, I… Uh.” Great start. He fidgeted in his seat, seeking solace in the glass of alcohol that would only affect him if he drank the whole damn bottle in one sitting. “You’ve… been married.” Obviously. “I mean to say, what… what  is that like? Loving someone. Falling in love with someone. How do you know when it’s real?” 

Memories of Hector never left him alone, and after seventeen years of unrequited something, Monty had to wonder if it had been love. Love different from the love he’d felt for the rest of his outlaw family. Love that he’d never been able to express in the way that felt right or complete. The kind of love that had died when Hector emptied his revolver in Monty’s chest, seeing only a monster. Love he’d not felt since all those decades ago, because he wouldn’t allow himself to. Waiting anxiously for an answer, Monty stared down at his own lap, fingers gripping his glass tightly as if that would be of some comfort.

—

Alan, an oversized woolen cardigan on his shoulders, stepped away from the lit brasero to sit back down on one of his patio’s more comfortable chairs. Tucking his feet beneath him, he leaned back, grabbing his glass from the coffee table nearby. “Anyhow, enough about that story. I will certainly be more careful the next time around,” even if he knew Monty would like to hear all about his abduction by mobsters, Alan also knew it reflected poorly on his business methods, and painted quite the tainted picture of him. Would he get judged for it? Maybe not. He valued that man’s opinion of him, however, and a change of subject was welcomed with open arms. 

“Ask away,” the werewolf raised his eyebrow in questioning. What was it the other wanted to ask that made him squirm like that? Was it something personal? Had he heard something about Alan that seemed fake, but now was something he needed to know the absolute truth about? Now that was unlikely. What could people say that was worse than the truth? You’ve been married. Everything about this, down to the hesitation, made Alan shift in his seat, if only to pay closer attention to his friend’s behavior. What about his marriages was there to talk about? Both ended poorly, but he was only sad about one. “Oh… Ahem,” he took a sip from his drink, and raised his eyebrows up as he thought about that question. It wasn’t something you could answer to just like that, easy peasy. At least not for him. Maybe to someone who wasn’t as emotionally constipated as Alan, it would have been easy, but he just didn’t like to talk about this. 

“I used to think love is about those butterflies in your stomach, warmth in your cheeks,” he began. Might as well start with the lies, lies were always easier. He shook his head in dismissal, and put his glass down by himself. “I’m not going to pretend that it’s not. It can be, but… that’s mostly physical attraction, lust,” heaving out a sigh, Alan’s eyes got lost in the middle distance, staring at the sparks of fire shooting out in the darkness, out of the firepit, disappearing as it met the cooler air. “I don’t know if it’s just me, but,” he once again fell silent, a certain softness taking over his features as he reflected on his first marriage, on the way his face lit up when he heard the key in the front door, the sound of his husband, in that order, dropping his bag to the floor, shaking his coat off of his back (instead of gently pulling on the sleeves), grabbing a coat hanger, picking up one of the scarves that fell as he did so, and then, as he put the coat hanger back in the closet, calling out Alan Cariño, I’m home. All of this was tainted in nostalgia, and a certain cold distance only divorcees could relate to, one that existed because it made them feel safer. “I’d look at him and smile like an idiot,” a pause, “I would rejoice about spending the day with him, about learning he took the day off, about all the things he was excited about,” not all of them, but most of them. 

His eyes fell from the sparks, onto the other’s face, if only to check on him. It was a loaded question, but his reply wasn’t precisely nothing either. “Are you alright, Monty?” Didn’t look like it. Didn’t feel like it. He might have been unable to hear his heartbeat speed up or slow down, but Alan could tell he wasn’t ok. Sitting back up, he reached over, putting a hand over his knee in reassurance. “Hey? You ok man?” 

—

The abduction story was a shock, to be sure, but Monty had learned a few years ago that Alan was more than capable of taking care of himself. It didn’t mean he wouldn’t worry, of course, and might swing by the place more often than usual now, just to make sure there wasn’t anyone lurking around that shouldn’t be. All he could do was listen in a stunned silence, then shake his head and tell his friend to just be careful, as if he hadn’t just said he would be. Dios mío.

The description of physical attraction wasn’t totally foreign to Monty, but it had certainly been a long time. And back then, when that was the sort of thing you simply didn’t talk about, it wasn’t a thing he’d understood. He knew he had no interest in starting a family with any of the women in his gang like some of the guys, but he never knew why. He just knew it was different for him. 

Many decades later, of course, he began to understand. His biggest question now was why he’d never felt that way about someone else, but the truth was sitting right in front of him, if only he’d open his eyes and see it.

Alan’s descriptions of what love had been for him made Monty slouch even further into his chair, brows knitting as he considered the parallels. His favorite thing had been going on night rides with Hector, away from the rest of them, where they could just talk. Their horses would choose the route while the men sat back in their saddles and laughed, swapping stories that one or the other hadn’t been there for. Most mornings, Monty would rise early and get the coffee on, eagerly taking a cup to Hector’s tent and kneeling outside the closed flaps to whisper a good morning and see if he was awake yet. When Hector smiled, he smiled. When he praised Monty, there was a fullness in his heart that could be challenged by nothing else. When he asked for a favor, there was never hesitation. Never an argument, like it went with the others. If Hector wanted Monty to shoot someone, he’d shoot. He’d been an extension of their fearless leader for as long as he could remember, even as they both got on in years and started talking about maybe settling the family down somewhere permanently, after they made one last big score. 

Seeing the terror in Hector’s eyes as he shot Monty—Monty, who was supposed to be dead, who’d been riddled with bullets by the local sheriff only hours prior—had been the worst thing he’d ever witnessed. It had broken something inside of him, something that evidently had yet to be repaired, over a century later. 

Bringing a hand to his face, Monty let out a withering sigh, never having kicked the habit once breath was no longer required. Alan’s voice brought him back and he blinked, pressing his forehead into his own palm. The sudden touch to his knee made him jump, but he knew it was only his friend. “Y-yeah, man, I’m good,” he lied. “Just… trying to—it’s nothing. Never mind. I’m fine.” He lowered his hand and gave Alan a weary smile, hiding the way his eyes gleamed in the firelight by closing them to knock back more of the whiskey. “Thanks, um… for the answer. Sorry I’m being weird.”

—

“What have I told you about lying?” Not that it was bad, not that it was wrong, not that it jeopardized the special bonds of friendship they spent years building : “You’re a fucking shit liar, Monty,” though he scoffed, there was not much humour about he way Alan said it. Matter of factly, he reminded his friend of what had already been said several times over. Rubbing his thumb over his knee, Alan tried to take a good look at the uncooperative motherfucker, a sigh escaping his lips as he reached for the bottle, let go of his knee, and gave him a refill. Then, pulling on the bottom of his seat, pulled it closer, so he could sit in front of him “Monty, por favor, mírame.” No one had ever asked him such a question, no one over the age of 8 at least. 

“I don’t know why you asked me this question,” for all he felt comfortable around him, there was something about the topic, about seeing him like this, that made him wonder if he wasn’t about to thread on a tight-rope too narrow for him. “But, you’re not being weirder than usual,” now was perhaps not the time for jokes, but the urge to diffuse the tension was one which always tickled Alan in those sorts of situations. He’d have done the same for one of his siblings, or even a coworker. 

His smile faded, and he sighed, leaning back into his chair, looking at him. “Are we talking about something recent, or about something old?” He hoped it was recent, because he wanted to see him happy, to see him smile with a wrinkle at the corner of his eyes, he wanted him to have someone to come home to. He deserved it, and so much more. 

—

The gentle berating seemed to wash over Monty at first, ineffective at getting him to explain himself better. The motion of Alan’s thumb, however, and the offer to top off his drink… The zombie clutched the lowball glass with both hands, afraid to meet Alan’s gaze even after he specifically requested it. But he did, after some stalling, his lips downturned into a miserable frown. 

“Something old,” he answered, his voice sounding more like the croak of a frog than a man. His attention shifted, eyes looking through Alan instead of at him, so he didn’t have to see whatever expression the man wore while he explained. 

“Do you… remember the night we met? I told you a little bit about my past. About the gang I ran with, how I got shot down, first by lawmen, and then by—” He sucked in a short breath, grip on the glass tightening. “The one that led us. That kept us all together.” There was a beat of silence. “I also told you that the only reason I stayed with people who did such terrible things was because of someone.” His gaze dropped, and so too did the volume of his voice. It came out as barely more than a whisper. “It was him. He—I—” Looking confused and desperately upset, Monty turned his head away, swiping the sleeve of his shirt over his face. “I guess I just never knew what that was. Why it hurt so bad. It’s been on my mind a lot.”

— 

Something old. The answer he dreaded, yet he couldn’t feel himself being one bit surprised here. Alan completely ignored entire sections of the man’s life. Sure enough, Monty didn’t know everything about the realtor’s life, but it would have been easy to draw some sort of timeline of his time on Earth. He always had something to say, even if he wasn’t one for chit chat. This time, however, he decided to fall silent, and just listen. 

“...” He nodded, of course he remembered, down to the mention of someone special. Alan told himself, there was always that someone. She must have been special, for Monty to still think about her, so many years later. Two lifetimes. But there wasn’t a happy end to that story, he already knew that. Shot by the one you loved. 

It was him. Oh Alan, you absolute idiot. Another thing he perfectly remembered from that night was Monty completely rejecting his attempts to flirt, which had led Alan to think, quite simply, that his friend was straight. The size of his ego. The fucking size of it. Huge, enormous. Jupiterian. “Oh my,” he paused. Was this the first time he ever spoke of it to anyone? Alan remembered when he realized he liked men. He had a girlfriend there. He was on the football team, of course he had a girlfriend : she was a pretty girl then, and a beautiful woman nowadays, but Alan’s eyes only grew soft when he set his eyes on one of his teammates. Becoming friends with him made him worse, they’d lost sight of one another after high school. Much later, many years later, he managed to muster the courage to tell his parents. 

“I’m so sorry, I…” Alan switched to Spanish, there were some things that were meant to be said in Spanish. “That took a lot from you, and I'm glad you trusted me with this, I’m…” At loss of words, he reached for his glass, raising it to take a sip from it. It might not have helped him see clearer, but it sure took off the edge. “Shit,” he reached up for his cheek. Warm, and wet, as a single tear rolled down onto his lips. “Well good job man,” he breathed heavily. “Does it help at all, knowing what it is? What it was?” 

— 

Monty had made a lot of progress with his anxiety since he and Alan had met, but this particular discussion seemed to be dragging all of it right back to the surface. As Alan digested what he’d said and responded, Monty couldn’t help but feel like a moron. Why did he even bring this up? Why did he so desperately need validation from his friend? He didn’t even know if this was what Alan seemed to think. He didn’t know if he was gay, or… or anything else under the sun, because he’d never—since Hector, he’d never even—

Mirroring the other and responding in Spanish, Monty found that using his first language wasn’t as helpful as it usually was when it came to better expressing himself, probably because he didn’t know what he was trying to even say. “I don’t know,” he responded honestly, shifting again in the chair and trying to distract himself with a sip of his whiskey. “I feel like it should, but I don’t know. I’m not even certain that I… that I do know what that was. It sounds like it, but… that was so long ago. I could be remembering it wrong.” He wasn’t. He thought about saying that perhaps he was simply compensating for his loneliness, but this wasn’t supposed to be a pity party. He’d just wanted to know what that kind love was supposed to feel like. And that had been answered, more or less, so… 

“Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t change now, anyway.” Didn’t change the fact that he’d sworn off everything like that since then, consciously or not, distancing himself from everyone he knew so he wouldn’t ever have to endure that pain again, refusing to let himself think about anyone in the same capacity he let himself remember Hector in. He’d been rotting in his own self-pity for the better part of a century and a half, and showed no signs of stopping. 

—

“Time has a way to either dim out or amplify memories, but it doesn’t do that for feelings,” there was one emotion that stood out for each person Alan knew. “You must have a pretty precise idea of how you feel about other people,” he didn’t feel like he was assuming anything here. Some experiences had to be universal. “If it feels like it, then don’t overthink it. It was it, and he must have been pretty damn amazing,” with a light smile, he leaned forward again, to put his hand on the zombie’s shoulder. “Do you want to tell me about him?” He offered. Even if it hurt to speak about it, keeping it all bottled up inside was worse. Feelings and memories were tricky like that. They were so personal, but if you kept them in, they tended to ferment, rot, or even die. 

“Nothing matters,” he countered. Sure, Alan had made sure he would live comfortably, but what did it matter on a global scale? He wouldn’t be remembered for centuries, he would never accomplish something worthy of a history book. Even the local archives would most likely forget about him. “So you might as well focus on what makes you happy, while you can,” with a pat to his cheek, he leaned back, standing up to his feet to go poke at the fire pit. “Is ‘now’  really as bad as you make it seem?” 

—

All Monty could do in the face of Alan’s advice was nod in defeat, looking very much like he didn’t want to hear that answer, but knew it to be true. Scrubbing a hand over his eyes, he kept them closed even after dropping it back to his lap. He was focused, perhaps a bit too intensely, on the weight of Alan’s hand as it came to rest over the zombie’s shoulder. 

Light grazes were something he couldn’t feet anymore, but the pressure of another person’s weight, should they provide enough, still cut through. And he craved it, desperately, from anyone. Yet he recoiled when anyone but Alan tried to provide it. It was a painful place to be stuck in. 

Did he want to talk about him? Not really, but at the same time, yes. It was all he wanted. Monty had never lived a day in his life that wasn’t full of contradictions, so this was nothing new. He wrestled with it for a few moments, looking uncertain on the surface, before finally deciding. Okay. Okay, if there was anyone who ought to hear about it, it was Alan. And he was asking. Finally opening his eyes as he felt the other man pulling away, prepared to ask him to stay, Monty was instead shocked by the hand now finding a home on his face. He stammered, barely hearing what was being said, being asked, even after Alan had moved away fully. 

“Ah… no. Lo siento, it isn’t bad, I didn’t mean—” Cutting himself off with a quick rise from the chair to help, Monty went and grabbed another log for the fire, passing it to his friend before settling into a numb, thoughtful stance in front of the pit. 

“He—Hector, he was…” Not a good person, not by any stretch of the imagination, but, “I guess he saw something in me that I never had. When we met, I mean—he and his gang were raiding the ranch I worked at.” A soft chuckle. “Rustling the cattle to sell off, stealing horses for their own, ransacking all the cabins and the main house for any valuables. I should have run, but I didn’t. Held a gun in his face instead, and he just laughed.” He was brave. Iron-willed. Not like Monty. “The one moment in my life where I didn’t act like a coward, and he saw fit to take me in.” 

His attention had, until this point, been fully trained on the open flames. Now, he managed to glance up and catch Alan’s gaze, appearing hurt. “He was everything I wanted to be, hermano,” the zombie explained breathlessly. Speaking the words out loud took a visible toll, making his whole body tremble like a dead, dried out leaf in the breeze. “And he was kind to me. Taught me how to take care of myself, of others, how to be… useful to a family.” His eyes darted away again, this time to the arm he was unconsciously grasping with the opposite hand. “I gave him everything I had. I died to protect him. But it was never—you know. I don’t think he ever felt the same way. He cared for me, sure, in the same way he cared for the rest of the people he looked after. But after seventeen years, I—” That was enough. Enough for now. His throat was closing around the words, refusing to let any more pour forth. With a shake of his head, Monty let the unfinished statement die in the air between them. 

—

“I know you didn’t say that,” Alan pointed out. Monty seemed to never speak one word louder than the next, and could have given lessons on keeping your composure to many people in town. How many seemed to get upset over nothing? 

The name Hector was greeted with a light smile. So that was the man tormenting his friend ? “Something that you never had, or that you never knew you had?” He drew a line over his lips with his joined fingers, as if to zip them up and let him finish. His eyes animated with respectful curiosity, he listened to the other as he told him stories from another century. Laughing in the face of a gun, huh? Sounded like someone who knew he would most likely die young. Alan wondered what would have happened, if the other had cowered and hidden. Would he have died that day? He had trouble imagining his friend armed and ready to put up a fight against bandits. 

As he met the other’s gaze, the corner of his eyes wrinkled with one his smiles, encouraging, supportive. From what Monty told him, it would have been easy to mistake it all for a story of someone who deeply admired his mentor, and wanted to step in his shoes, stand where he stood. The more he went on, the thread of codependency threatened to taint a story Alan knew to be about unrequited love. “Seventeen years?!” If he’d managed to remain silent so far, the number made his eyes go round, not quite in worry but in absolute shock. Seventeen years of longing for someone, that didn’t seem right. He liked to believe that even with peer pressure, with society being the way it was, love could have found a way in here. Alan refused to break it to Monty that the guy was most likely straight, as it seemed all too cruel, and all too useless, especially when he looked on the verge of completely breaking down in tears. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” with a fond look in his eyes, he reached out again, to give him a pat to the arm at first, then realizing how fragile he seemed to be, reaching out with the other hand to hold onto both forearms, if only to ground him a little. “It’s okay, Monty. That… I’m grateful you trusted me with that,” another smile, and a sigh. “It might have not been in the way you wanted, but I can tell that he cared from what you said. He did all he could to protect you, in the ways that were his ways,” a bittersweet victory, for certain, but he didn’t want to dwell on the aspects that didn’t sit right with him. 

—

Yeah. Seventeen long, terrible, beautiful years. He was happy, if not fully satisfied with their relationship. But he didn't think to consider what else it could have been, at the time. "I suppose so," the zombie answered, his voice strained. "I never… tried to talk to him about how incomplete I felt because I… I didn't think anything of it at the time. Or I thought it was normal. I don't know." He sucked in a ragged breath, shaking his head again, feeling his walls crumbling around him. "I don't know, Alan, I don't know why this thing from so long ago is still eating at me." Yes, he did. He knew full well that it was because he was starting to feel those those things again, and that terrified him. And he had just wanted to be told that it was nothing. But that wasn't the answer he'd gotten, and now he had to sit with that. Probably for another one hundred years. A bitterness rose in him and he laughed without humor in his voice, sharp and full of self-loathing. "It's no wonder I've been alone all this time, is it? I'm… Dios mío, I'm a piece of work." The heaviness in his chest felt like it was going to drag him to the ground, and his fingers curled into the material of Alan’s sweater. "Sorry," was all he could say for being such a nuisance. "Sorry."

—

“You can’t beat yourself up for being confused about who you were, and how you felt, a century and a half ago,” because it happened to everyone, didn’t it? Being confused (not being a century and a half old). Alan certainly wondered many times why he made some choices, why he took decisions he came to regret later. Having regrets was easy, owning up to what you had done took time and it never was pleasant. This was why he hated seeing him like this, pulling out of the dirt buried regrets. How much would it cost him to be at peace with his past ? Could he afford it at all? 

“I don’t know, but perhaps you want to be at peace with yourself?” He suggested. Seeking solace was normal, but it was a rocky road. 

Though, of course, Monty was having a much worse time now, Alan ached to see him in such a state. Though it wasn’t perceptible, he felt as though he had something stuck in his throat, a ball of nerve where he contained all of the sorrow he felt for him then. Had he been alone all those years, because he felt regrets for the things he never did? Was he clinging so ardently to his past that he had renounced to make his life anything other than simply surviving? He remembered when the other revealed he had gone a few years without food. He had gone a few years without seeing a soul, hadn’t he? What sacrifices had he made to punish himself for his mistakes? “You have to let go of that,” a pause, “not of the memories, and the feelings. They’ll always be there, but… this guilt? How can you live like that?” Letting go of his arms to properly wrap his arms around his shoulders, Alan fell silent again, feeling as though he was talking too much. Maybe he didn’t even want a solution. Maybe he just wanted someone who listened. When his friend tried to apologize, he remained silent, but didn’t let go. 

When Alan divorced, again, a few years ago, from a husband he had grown to detest, he could always count on Monty. When his husband tried to make things complicated, when Alan was getting in the mood for petty retaliation, inevitably falling for Jake’s dirty little tricks, who had been there to help him to think a bit more? 

—

Alan made some good points, but Monty was too far gone tonight to consider them rationally. Tomorrow, maybe. You have to let go of that… How can you live like that? He didn’t know, he just always had. And he didn’t know how to just… change his personality on a whim. Because that’s what it had become, by this point. It wasn’t just regret, it’s what made him who he was. 

When his friend’s arms moved to pull him into a hug, he made an odd sound, not unlike the ones Alan had heard early on in their friendship, whenever contact was made. It was just one of those things that made Monty, well, Monty. But he didn’t jerk away from Alan like he would have with someone he didn’t know as well. Quite the opposite, actually. He snaked his own arms around the other’s torso, clinging to him like a drowning man would cling to a life preserver. That’s what Alan was, on days like this. His preserver. Pressing his face into the soft collar of the werewolf’s sweater, Monty held on tight, revealing just how touch-starved he’d been. 

“I don’t want to let go,” he admitted—but was he talking about his metaphorical baggage, or was he talking about Alan? There was a beat of silence, and then as if he was trying to alleviate the anxiety that was still clawing its way up his throat, he added, “But… you got kidnapped by mobsters not that long ago, so whatever the heck I have going on seems pretty stupid by comparison.”

—

“I know,” one hundred and fifty years and he hadn’t managed to do so. Today wouldn’t be the day either, although Alan liked to believe that talking about it was progress already. While he let his friend linger in his arms, the werewolf picked up the scent of smoke stuck in his hair, mixing with something he very broadly referred to as the farm. It wasn’t unpleasant, not when it belonged to him. 

The mention of his kidnapping made him laugh, which was perhaps not the most appropriate reaction, given context. “I ate a bunch of mobsters,” now what would his neighbors have thought if they had overheard him in the distance? 

With another chortle, his shoulders shook a bit. “No, no, you don’t get to call the saddest thing I’ve ever heard stupid,” sure enough, he ended up with a broken nose, but it was nothing a full moon couldn’t help with. He wasn’t sure he’d even have a small bump on his profile once it fully healed. There went his chances at looking like a mysterious brooding man. Maybe this meant, however, that it was time for a change of mood. Less mopping, and more digging into some details, with a chance of friendly teasing. “I’m just.. When you said you have been alone all this time… You haven’t had anyone… since the 19th century?” Couldn’t be that he’d never been with anyone ever, though Alan supposed you couldn’t miss what you never had. Neither option made sense. Releasing his hold on his shoulders, the wolf cleared his throat. “While you decide on whether you want to murder me for asking this, I’ll go make us some coffee. You want coffee?”

—

“Tomato, tomahto…” Monty muttered, glad that the slight shift in mood hadn’t immediately pulled Alan away from him. He let out a soft sigh, feeling… a bit better than he had when this conversation just got started. But there was a very good chance that that was mostly from the embrace doing a world of good for an old, festering wound. 

Saddest thing he’d ever heard? Jeez, nothing like a pick-me-up. Before Monty could protest, Alan was asking something else. Something mortifying. 

“Alan,” he balked, looking horrified as the other man leaned back and looked at him, releasing his grip. If he could still blush, he knew his face and neck would be on fire. “That’s—shut up,” he grumbled with wide eyes, looking down at the ground between them. He didn’t even respond to the coffee question, instead shrugging his shoulders in an exasperated way before following Alan back into the house. 

“You’re such a jerk,” he added with a quiet laugh once they’d settled back in the kitchen. The question had been left unanswered, and he certainly wasn’t going to just drop that information cold-turkey. “And why should I tell you, huh? What do you care?”

—

Was it the look of horror on Monty's face, perhaps the few glasses he'd been drinking earlier finally kicking in, or even the tension dropping all thanks to his bullshit, that made the realtor burst out with genuine laughter? Maybe it was all three. "I love you, you coy ass motherfucker," with a smile spreading on his face, he headed back inside. 

Mortified as Monty might have been now, Alan knew that wouldn't last long. Soon enough, they'd be chatting normally again, about anything and everything yet with the belief that tonight's conversation had made their friendship stronger yet. 

Covering the coffee grinder with a dishtowel, one of his many attempts to dim out noises in the household, Alan tended to the espresso maker quietly, respecting the other's wish that he just shut up. 

Finally, it seemed the timidity had been overcome. "A jerk? Me?" Maybe. Putting down two coffee cups on the kitchen table, he sat against it, nursing it in his hands while the other asked a question, which he supposed, was meant to make him take a U-turn. "Don't you UNO reverse card me." Had been a while since they last played with Alan's siblings… "I don't know. Can't I be concerned about your potential century old… lack of activity? I feel like I have a right to be concerned." Not that it really mattered, per say, but he didn't like the idea of depriving oneself of something solely for the sake of someone else.

—

Even if he was embarrassed and it was at his expense, it was nice hearing Alan laugh. 

“Yeah, a jerk!” came his huffy retort, eyes narrowed at Alan as the man walked toward him with the coffee. He took it black these days, because then he could just taste the bitterness on the back of his tongue. Rolling his eyes at the attempt to get out of answering (which seemed to be the game of the night), Monty settled into silence as he contemplated telling Alan the truth. He’d already poured his heart out to his only friend tonight, what harm could a cherry on top of the disaster sundae do? 

Phrasing. 

“No need for concern, mister nosey. I didn’t become celibate because of Hector.” He paused, tapping his fingers against the mug in his hands. “I… never had time for things like that before I started running with the gang. And after, I just…” He shrugged, filling the silence with a sip. “Most people lose their virginity at, what, sixteen? Seventeen, these days? Is one-hundred and sixty so bad?” A year more than he was old, which was his very unsubtle way of saying that he hadn’t lost it yet. How could he have, when he was so adamantly against letting anyone in? Alan was the first in such a long time, he’d all but forgotten what it was like to feel fond of someone that wasn’t a horse. Raising his brows, he pointed an accusatory finger at the werewolf. “And no, me admitting this does not give you permission to start trying to set me up with people again, thankyouverymuch.” 

—

He always played a part, when he was working. Alan heard it was normal. You couldn’t be the same person in a private or professional setting, and though that spoke amount on how fake the corporate world was, Alan considered a crafted personality was how you could get places. The army was a lot stricter, and it all seemed quite easy compared to that sort of pressure. Yet, in the presence of a few folks, he got to be himself. “Me? I’m a jerk?” Alan repeated, a cocky smile replacing the faux-offended air he had been sporting. 

Breathing a laugh through his nose, he shook his head and took a sip of coffee, dangling his feet on the edge of the table while he listened. His legs stilled, after a bit, and though Alan stayed quiet, his eyebrows were furrowed in a way that spoke louder than a what the fuck. Why? Well, now he’d have to really up his ‘set up game’, wouldn’t he? 

Right on clockwork, as those thoughts crossed his mind, as if the other had finally been granted a chance to peek inside his brain (god help us, no), Monty decided to voice out the fact that he was still forbidden from organizing such events. The timing caught Alan by surprise, and all he could produce was a cough and choked up laughter. “What? I would never do that? I’ve never done that before,” there might have been a single cousin here, or a newly divorced friend there, but it was all coincidental. 

—

Looking amused but still suspicious of the other, Monty shook his head. “That’s bullcrap, and you know it,” he asserted, remembering very distinctly the handful of times he’d been introduced to women Alan knew that were also conveniently romantically available. It’d been innocuous at first, but after the third time, the zombie had grown quite suspect of the eagerness with which his dear friend encouraged Monty to ‘spend time’ with these women. 

Him doing the same thing but with men now didn’t feel any more appealing. “I mean it. I’m not interested in strangers. They—” He bit back the phrase, wondering if it would be offensive to the parties unable to defend themselves, then continued anyway, “—freak me out. Everyone always wants to move so fast.” Besides that, he still wasn’t even sure what he wanted. The only way to know was to try, but Monty had never been good at trying new things. That much was evident in the way he was still working at a farm all these years later. The only new thing he’d ever tried was being an outlaw, and look what that had earned him.

“I’m fine with things as they are. Don’t need anyone else.” A lie. Well, in part. Probably obvious to Alan based on the way it made Monty shift uncomfortably in his seat. “I have Habanero, and you, and that’s enough.”

—

Alan pursed his lips then. He didn’t have much of a right to pout about it, but he couldn’t understand the other’s unwillingness to meet new people. Yes, he was an undead man who ate brains to survive. What were the odds that this was a deal breaker in the contemporary dating scene? Close to 100% ? Alan sighed. Whatever reasons his friend had, they must have been valid, but… “You do know I don’t mean anything other than I want my good friend to have someone special who listens to him, and cares and just makes him smile ?” It didn’t have to be more than that, just a companion for life, none of that : they’ll make you whole bullshit. You didn’t need to be made whole. 

Maybe now wasn’t a good time, however. Alan would have to accept that. “You’re not fine with things as they are, but maybe that’s normal?” With what he had just unpacked tonight, how could he be? He had spent over a hundred years hurting himself over the fact that he never told his someone how he felt. It would take him a while to let that heal. The wound had now been exposed to the air, maybe it would finally do that. Heal. 

It was when the other said those sorts of absolutely adorable things that Alan was glad he helped him out that night. For all he tried to build himself an air of importance, putting his name on his business’ front, dressing the way he did, driving the cars he did, there wasn’t much to gain for him here. It was all painting and fabric.Someone naming him as one of the only things that mattered to him : that made him feel as though his heart had been poked with a thorn, in the best of ways. What was it in those words that made his heart grow weak like that? 

—

“I know. I know you don’t.” Monty sighed, gesturing lazily at Alan. “Anyway… you do all of that, so why bother trying to get it out of someone else, too? Seems like a wasted effort, amigo.” The follow up statement was kind of a crappy thing to think about, but once again, Alan was right. Monty had always been accepting of the fact that he just wasn’t okay. That there was always something he lacked, be it external or internal. He was used to it. It was a comfortable chair to sit in by this point, even if it was covered in thorns. The pain was dull until one of them dug too close to his heart, like it had tonight.

“Fine, yeah, it’s normal for me. I want normal. Change is stressful.” A smile tugged at his lips, followed quickly by a huff of breathless laughter. He was thinking of the farm, of the family he’d managed to curate there, even if he did keep all of them at arm’s length. Getting that business set up had probably been the single-most stressful thing he’d done in the last hundred years, but thankfully he’d had Alan there to help, and not just with the purchase of the land. His friend had been an invaluable source of support throughout the entire process, which was why he had returned the favor as Alan went through his divorce. 

As the night wore on, Monty stayed to help Alan clean up after the two of them, and by the time he was thinking he ought to be getting back, they’d already moved on into the wee hours of the next morning. Though he didn’t need to sleep, tiredness still clung to his features—it had been an emotionally draining evening, if nothing else. “Gotta go feed the animals soon,” he said as he shrugged on the jacket he’d carried there with him. He was never done working, not really, and these weekly trips to Alan’s were practically the only time he spent away from the farm. “Thanks for, um…” He glanced awkwardly away from his friend, blindly patting his pocket to make sure he still had his keys. “... putting up with me tonight.” He chuckled then, shrugging his shoulders and fishing the keys free, their jingling cutting through the early-morning quiet. “Get some sleep, eh cariño?” He’d kept the other man awake long enough.

—

"I suppose I already do all that." A pause. A smile. Smug, insufferable. "There should be awards for friends like myself. I'm top shelf, high quality content," except he was tactless and clumsy. Clearly setting up a gay man with a woman would not go in his autobiography. 

Yet for all he liked to make jokes, and try to cheer the other up, when the time called for comfort, he tried to deliver.

"For what it's worth, I think you're doing a good job at normalcy," a mundane quiet life on the farm, just him and his horse. He made a living, he had a roof over his head, he had made a friend, and he wasn't one of those brooding undead folks that gave Alan the ick. "You're doing a lot better than you can see," hopping off the table, Alan picked up their coffee mugs and filled up the dishwasher. 

Time passed rapidly, in the company of friends, and by the time Monty told him it was time to go, Alan looked at his wristwatch with raised eyebrows : "Oh man, tomorrow morning is gonna be fun," with a defeated look on his face, as he began to embrace the pain of an alarm clock that would ring too soon, he led the way back to the front door. "And thank you for telling me about him," Alan felt he owed more to him than the other way around tonight. How much had this cost Monty ? "Some sleep and heh, nothing coffee can't solve," he gave him a short hug, and a pat in the back. "Take care, amigo." Alan stayed a few moments more on the porch, until the other's silhouette was a shadow in the distance. His eyes staring at that spot in the dark, the werewolf told himself that sometimes a detail or just dumb luck brought out the best out of life. How blessed it was that they were brought together.

[s-------i-------g]

4/16/23-4/22/23

Resident Evil 3

If you’re a regular reader of this column (you are not), you’ll recall how I just finished the Resident Evil 2 remake with the $5 cheater mode. Unfortunately, there was no way to obtain a rocket launcher with infinite ammo without working for it, so I played through the entirety of this game entirely legitimately. So, how was this type of game now that I had to deal with inventory management?

I fucking loved it.

Look, I know. I’m going to get so much shit for saying that this is my favorite Resident Evil game, but so far it is. There is a chance that RE4 tops it at some point. But it’s not likely, considering I don’t have the remake and that I found the control scheme so weird and fucked up, that I gave up after dying in the village in the original game (the “original” being the HD version they ported to PC as played on a Steam Deck).

What I really like about RE3make is that it is blatantly dumb. They’ve thrown most of the horror in the trash and now it’s just an action movie about Millia Jovovich Jill Valentine kicking ass, escaping the zombie apocalypse, and getting revenge on those bastards at Umbrella. Sure, there are still some puzzles, and inventory management can still be a pain in the ass, but when Nemesis showed up every now and then, I was less panicked than I would be when Mr. X showed up; instead I was more annoyed than anything else. Although it is funny that hard shell supply cases just sort of fly out of him every now and then.

Capcom went all in on making this game more fun than anything else. I never felt like I didn’t have the tools to deal with whatever it was that was coming at me, but I had a damn blast handling the situation. If Resident Evil 2 is Alien, Resident Evil 3 feels like Aliens. And that works a lot better in a game than a movie, let me tell you.

The Full Monty

I don’t know on this one. It’s a little too goofy for its own good, and despite touching on depression (social and economic), it really doesn’t feel like it has much to say about… well, just about anything. Maybe body positivity? It’s not a bad movie, but with a plot hinging on a strip show where men strip down to the buff, the fact that they don’t show the movie-watching audience the dick is a travesty. They have that one hot guy who is supposed to have a giant dick, but they don’t show it? Cowards.

Contact

I can’t help but be a fan of anything sort of science fiction that focuses almost entirely on the minutiae of a niche discipline. I’ve been wanting to see this movie for a while (while also confusing for Cocoon, weirdly), and I find SETI and the Very Large Array to be an inherently interesting subject.

Robert Zemeckis is always an uncertain factor in basically any movie he’s attached to, but he remains grounded for most of the movie, with CGI used more sparingly than you might find his later animated abominations.

Jodie Foster does a great job as a capable woman who’s determined to reach her goal and is constantly underestimated by the men around her, just not in the same oppressive a way as they were in Silence of the Lambs. Matthew McCounaghy is around and serves to give the movie and extremely tiresome theme of where faith factors in when it comes toe world of science. The theme itself isn’t inherently bad, but it’s just done in such an overt way that I feel like it takes away from the ending the film which is all about faith.

The real star of the show is John Hurt who shows up a few times as the reclusive and enigmatic billionaire who funds Jodie Foster’s project. His presence often seems otherworldly and the fact that he always shows up to provide hope and keys to the secrets of the aliens paints him in a more extraterrestrial role. Unfortunately real space-faring billionaires are not nearly as interesting, humanistic, nor helpful.

What strikes me though, is that the ending feels hopeful in a way that seems genuine and sincere. Sincerity is hard to capture, and more often than not a message of hope feels jammed into a work to please an audience more than expressing a genuine thought. Good on ya, Bobby Z, you deserve to be forgiven for Forrest Gump.

Also, if there are any Jake Busey fans out there, watch out for this one, because your man has an outsized role in the film.

SOUNDTRAXXX

Mummification and Prayer by Prurient

History of Aids by Prurient

Fossil by Prurient

Pleasure Ground by Prurient

The Golden Chamber by Prurient

Colonialist Nature and Misanthropy by Prurient

The Black Post Society by Prurient

And Still, Wanting by Prurient

Cocaine Death by Prurient

Annihilationist by Prurient

Oxidation by Prurient

Worship Is the Cleansing of the Imagination by JK Flesh and Prurient

Of the Memories of Friends by Prurient

Through the Window by Prurient

Rainbow Mirror by Prurient

Garden of the Mutilated Paratroopers by Prurient

Black Crows Cyborg by Merzbow and Prurient

As is likely extremely obvious, I’ve been listening to almost the entirety of Prurient’s back catalog, spurred on by the excellent album Creationist. I really don’t know what to make of it, thought. Some of these albums are beautiful, challenging, and far too interesting for their own good and I like track after track, but others are grating, annoying, and full of whiny scream-o vocals. If there was a distinct trajectory that Prurient was following it would be easy to say whether I definitively like his music or not, but he’s definitely one of the more interesting artists I’ve come across in recent memory.

Profound Mysteries III by Röyksopp

I liked this a lot more than PMII, so I don’t know what to make of that.

WRAITH by Teeth of the Sea

I was testing out a new pair of headphones, and this was the first TOTS album I listened to, so I found myself going back to it. I still love it. It’s weird, dark, ethereal. Something like a cyberpunk noir soundtrack, with some wonderful trumpet solos peppering some great ambient work. Good stuff!

Dubnobasswithmyheadman (20th Anniversary Edition) by Underworld

Again, I was testing headphones, and I figured I’d throw this on. Still fucking great. Almost wall-to-wall bangers, and definitely one of the most important electronic albums ever.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #674

Top Ten Movie Insults

You fight like a dairy farmer!

Sadly that’s not from a film, otherwise – of course – it would be number one. But cinema has long had a fascination with invective; words as weapons, wielded to wound. Basically, people insulting each other is pretty funny, and it’s been used a lot in all sorts of fiction.

Despite the world being, well, the world (gestures at everything), it wasn’t current affairs that prompted this particular listicle. It’s actually been gestating for a few months, after I rewatched a particular film and was reminded of how much I loved this one particular insult. Yes, it’s on the list, and it features quite highly. You’ll see for yourself before too long. Anyway, that got me thinking about my favourite cinematic insults. Because some of them are belters.

Some of them, also, are very rude. I’ve tried to avoid incessant swearing. But sometimes it can’t be avoided. As a result, this is probably the filthiest list I’ve ever done. It shall be hidden under the fold, as it were; placed in a metaphorical brown paper bag like a naughty magazine or a copy of the Daily Star. Those of a nervous disposition are directed to one of my other Top Tens, like this delightful one about the Muppets that’s still probably the closest this stupid blog has ever come to going viral.

And that’s about it, really. There follows a list of some people being mean to each other and calling each other naughty names. There are probably some big ones missing – I never got round to watching Blade: Trinity, because everyone said it was shit, so Ryan Reynolds’ famous line does not make this list on technical grounds. But there are definitely some classics here, from the sublime to the ridiculous to, well, ones that just blow the bloody doors off. There is, I think you’ll find, an insult for every occasion; all of them from the movies.

How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

No disrespect, but you’re a cunt. (Brendan Gleeson, In Bruges, 2008): straight in with the filth. But it’s not the no-no words that make this funny; it’s the repetition, the sheer weight of cursing that Brendan Gleeson inflicts upon Ralph Fiennes. And more than that it’s the matter-of-fact delivery, which Fiennes takes with quiet, simmering anger. There's a sadness and a banality to it which speaks to the tone of the film as a whole, and it’s a beautiful, sensitive performance from Gleeson.

Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick. (Bill Murray, Ghostbusters, 1984): really a punchline to a wonderful setup from Dan Aykroyd (“dickless here shut off the power.” “Is this true?”) but it’s a terrific punchline; a playground insult delivered at the best (worst?) possible time. Even funnier is that in the melee that follows, when William Atherton lunges at Murray, you hear the latter try to defend himself with “well that’s what I heard!”.

I bet you’re the kind of guy who would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. (R. Lee Emmry, Full Metal Jacket, 1987): to be honest, Emmry’s entire speech to his squad of recruits is fantastic and full of outrageously offensive insults. On the one hand, this is such over-the-top invective as to be utterly hilarious; on the other, it speaks to his characters horrendous and overbearing nature that (spoiler alert) leads to two deaths. This incredible, evocative, imaginative insult is the icing on the whole filthy cake.

You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! (Mike Myers, Shrek, 2001): this was, in fact, the insult that inspired me to write this whole list. It's such a benign, slight thing really; it washes off Donkey’s back when Shrek spits it at him. But the structure of it, the layering of adjectives, and the use of “beast of burden”, makes it both funny and memorable. My favourite line in the film.

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries! (John Cleese, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 1975): a line that was quoted ad nauseum when I was at school and every third boy suddenly discovered Python. The group was successful with humour both highbrow and old school, and this was positively playground; Cleese’s French knight is so supremely childish as to be hilarious. “I fart in your general direction”; legitimately classic.

It was nothing like that, penis-breath! (Henry Thomas, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982): Spielberg and writer Melissa Mathison really had a handle on the performance and language of the kids in this film, and Elliott’s frustration and anger and not being believed, and being patronised by his big brother, boils over in supremely realistic fashion. It's the sort of thing a kid would say, spat out almost nonsensically, and Dee Wallace’s reaction – spontaneous laughter followed by telling him off – is spot-on.

You stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder! (Carrie Fisher, The Empire Strikes Back, 1980): this is partly the script – the escalating series of increasingly-silly adjectives – but mostly Carrie Fisher’s expert performance; searching for the most cutting and incisive insult possible, trying to maintain composure despite obvious fury. The way she spits “nerf-herder”! what even is a nerf-herder? And, of course, it’s capped by Harrison Ford’s wounded “who’s scruffy-lookin’?”

Look up “idiot” in the dictionary, you know what you’ll find? (Val Kilmer, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, 2005): a film made up almost entirely of fantastic one-liners, hilarious dialogue, and cutting insults; this one is simple but also ingenious. A furious Val Kilmer barks the question at a pathetic Robert Downey Jr, who knows how the joke ends – “a picture of me?” – only for Kilmer to give it an inventive and, well, really bloody funny little twist.

That fake old tough guy! (Joe Pesci, Goodfellas, 1990): this one might be less popular, although the scene is certainly iconic. Pesci’s Tommy DeVito is belittled by Frank Vincent’s Billy Batts, and turns homicidal. Pesci’s performance throughout the film is a livewire one, at turns boisterously comedic and terrifyingly vicious; here, though, clearly rankled, there’s none of the menace or charisma, just a primal rage. Tommy is almost reduced to a childhood tantrum, and as such his insult is pathetic, small, but darkly funny.

This is my bargain, you mewling quim! (Tom Hiddleston, The Avengers, 2012): a line so famous that it very briefly became something of an unofficial catchphrase for Hiddleston. On one level it’s just a biting, sneery insult, reeking of misogyny, spat by a rage-filled Loki at Black Widow; but then there’s the fact that, well, how on Earth did they get the word “quim” by Disney? I can only assume that a lot of people didn’t know what the word meant. It’s fitting, really, to circle back to gynaecology here at the end of the list; a somewhat more palatable version of the insult from In Bruges. And yes, I instantly regret the use of the word palatable in this context.

EDITED TO ADD!!! As a rule I don't edit my lists after publication, so this ranking will stand. But I've only just remembered one of my favourite - and simplest! - movie insults: Withnail to Uncle Monty. You know the one. In fact, I'm shocked and ashamed that I forgot Withnail altogether: "A coward you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls you are not!" is also great. Sorry everyone!

[dannyboytheevil]

🎧 HELLO! (manipulatively) 📓

WEEEELLLLCOME to my thing!

I go by any form of Daniel (Danny, Dan, etc.) and I use he/him pronouns❗❗❗

I'm part of the LGBTQ+ community and a minor, fyi!

I do mostly fanart, request some stuff if you want me to draw something specific! If I don't do your request, there probably is a reason but I probably won't explain.

I'm in a locker-full of fandoms, here's some of 'em! (in no particular order)

Arcane (yes my hair was blue at one point and yes I have a sister who had pink/reddish hair its like a dhar man type of coincidence except legit nothing else is similar 💜)

TWF (The Walten Files)

NNSG (Nyan~ Neko Sugar Girls)

Mouthwashing

MLP

Popee the Performer

Sally face

Adventure Time

Trolls

Harry Potter

Spooky Month

Gravity Falls

The Hunger Games

Tattletails

BATIM (Bendy)

Invader Zim

iCarly

Sam and Cat

Undertale

Deltarune

Regretevator

Beetlejuice

Inside Out/Inside Out 2

Skeleanimals

FNaF

Raggedy Ann and Andy

Corpse Bride

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Star vs. the Forces of Evil

A Goofy Movie

An Extremely Goofy Movie

Sweet Tooth

Resident Alien

TAWoG

Bob's Burgers

etc.

I have VERY broken humor.

Some of my fav music artists

Tyler, the Creator

ABBA ABBA ABBA I LOVE YOU

Cavetown (top 0.5% of listeners 2024❗❗❗)

Mitski

DEVO

Will Wood

Sir Mix-A-Lot

Lay Bankz

Brozone (yes I know they're a fictional boy band but let me wear my brozone shirt and know all the lyrics to every song ☹️)

Billie Eilish

Toby Fox (he counts as a music artist trust me)

etc.

My fav characters are:

Finnick Odair (THG)

Susan Woodings (TWF)

Gene (Bob's Burgers)

Marshmallow (also Bob's Burgers)

Mahito (JJK)

Gojo (this one is obvious. U know this one)

Momo Yaoyorozu (please tell me I spelled her name right) (MHA)

Armin Arlert (AoT)

The girl with her bangs clipped back out of her face (K-On!)

Veneer (TBT)

Gus (Sweet Tooth)

Daisuke (MW)

Swansea (also MW)

Monty Gator (FNaF)

Chica (the og not any of the other ones) (also FNaF)

Alex (sdv)

Applejack (MLP)

Bobby (𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂) (a(n) (extremely) goofy movie)

Hitoshi-san ("nya~ rawr~") (NNSG)

etc.

I don't know what else to tell you

FAVORITE SONG BOMB❗❗❗🤑🤑🤑🤑🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🎧🎧🎧🎧🎧🎧🎧🎧🎧🎧🎧🎧🎧🎧

when my hair was blue I looked at myself in the mirror every morning and said 'blue hair and pronouns' 💜

okay bye

[survey--s]

463.

by brelee

Do you know what the most common bird is in your area? Seagulls, blackbirds, robins, sparrows.

What last made you feel ecstatic? When I realised next week was half-term so it’ll be quiet plus I have a full weekend off next week too lol.

What would make you feel happiest right now? Uhh, nothing really? I have to leave to feed Monty and Charley in half an hour so I’m just killing time until then.

How many teeth have you had extracted? Just two - both my upper wisdom teeth. My bottom ones need doing too but because of how impacted they are I’ll need surgery so my dentist just said to leave them unless they start causing me any bother.

Do you ever read magazines? Not anymore, no.

What is something you've been reflecting on? I have a new dog starting with me next week - which is fine but he used to go with another walker, they’ve just stopped her because he keeps coming back injured and I feel like it’s going to be really awkward when I start posting him on my page, lol.

What's something you like and dislike about the town you live in? I love the location - we’re right by the sea and we have so many amazing walks and views within ten minutes of the house. But I dislike how isolated we are - we have no chains or fast food places, or even a cinema.

What's a Halloween movie that you enjoy? The Addams Family.

Would you say you're more confident now than you were 5 years ago? Yes, most definitely. My life is SO much better nowadays.

Have you ever or would you try carrot bacon? I assume that’s some weird veggie bacon? I’d probably try it but I wouldn’t expect to like it or anything lol.

What's the last thing you purchased that was frozen? Chicken nuggets.

Would you ever walk a runway if given the opportunity? If I was being paid, sure.

When did you last do something that scared you? I had to cancel two days of work at the beginning of the week as I had a really awful virus and I felt SO bad messaging people. Everyone was so nice about it but I was still shitting myself hah.

What is something that you're curious about? Why criminals/serial killers do the things they do.

What time do you usually eat breakfast? About 30 minutes after I get up, which could be anytime between half seven and half ten depending on the day of the week.

What is something you done as a child that you would never do now? Call a teacher “mum”.

What's been your favorite memory of 2022? Galloping down the beach in the September sunshine.

When were you last inside a tall building? Uhh, years ago probably.

Is it currently quiet in the room you're in? No - the TV is on and Archie and Purrlock are both snoring.

Is there someone you can honestly say you hate or have hated? No.

What's currently on your mind? I gotta pee.

Would you consider yourself to be a messy person? No - I’m the total opposite as a rule.

Would those closest to you say you talk too much or not much at all? Not much at all.

Do you have a song you cannot listen to anymore due to a bad memory? Nope.

Have you ever had a candlelit dinner? Yeah, they’re pretty overrated IMO.

Do you need to apologize for something or are you waiting on an apology? Nope, neither of those apply to me right now. What's something you strongly believe in? Religion is dangerous and does more bad than good.

Do you have a dream that is close to being accomplished? Hmm, not close exactly, but it’s definitely something I’m working towards.

Would you say you're in a good place mentally? Yeah, absolutely. My mental health has improved SO much over the last few years. When did you first start feeling more grown up? When I moved out and went off to university.

What kind of chapstick do you use? Vaseline or Burts Bees.

How many pillows do you prefer to sleep with? Lately two regular pillows and like, a small cushion on top.

What is something you've kept bottled up for a long time that you now have released? Nothing comes to mind.

Have you ever broken a cell phone charger? I feel like I’m always breaking phone chargers lol.

[fernweh-writes]

Hey, it’s me again :3

My birthday is soon(next week on the Friday)

So I wondered if you could write headcanons for the Slasher with an Birthday S/O.

Like what would they give her, what would they do on her birthday. You probably get what I mean.

But only if it’s alright and you got time, if not it’s also fine^^

I already say thank you :3💕💕(btw I really love your writing <3)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE, I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! I did see the other little tidbit you sent in and yes, ofc, anything for you. Especially since it’s your birthday and you asked so nicely<3

(Going ahead and posting this a lil early… i think? I can’t remember when you sent this in sorry :/)

-Fern🌿

Slashers on their S/O’s Birthday

Warnings: NSFW content, 18+

Michael Myers

Michael has always been pretty indifferent towards birthdays. So what, you’re getting older big whoop. He doesn’t see them as important and doesn’t understand the point of celebrating them.

However, as you keep mentioning to him that your birthday is coming up, he gets the hint. Michael isn’t stupid and he knows you well enough to be able to tell what you want.

Still, Michael isn’t going to throw you a party or decorate or anything like that. Instead he makes a statement just by spending the entire day with you.

During your time spent together you find out Michael did actually buy a cake for you. Although it was also partially for his own benefit as well seeing as he has a major sweet tooth. He even got “Happy Birthday y/n” written on the top in your favorite color. When you bite into it, you realize that it’s also your favorite flavor.

After the cake, Michael brings you a small box with a horribly tied ribbon wrapped around it. Don’t look at him funny, he tried okay. So what the gift inside was most likely stolen from a victims, you got a present that you loved. Isn’t that all that really matters?

Michael isn’t much of a giver in bed, he prefers to take. He mainly focuses on achieving his own end and whatever pleasure you get during that is what you get. But tonight he’ll make a point of not only making you finish first once, but numerous times throughout the night. Today is about you after all, why not try and set a new record in bed to mark the start of a new age.

Bo Sinclair

Morning sex, congratulations, this morning you become breakfast for Bo. No need to get up early to cook for him when he can simply devour you.

Surprise! He won’t be an ass to anyone for one whole day. Just for you darlin’. If some people happen to stumble into town, Bo won’t let anyone ruin your day, and quickly has Vincent take care of them. Even Lester will help out if need be, even though Les hates participating in the “family company”.

Sneaks away in the middle of the night to decorate the house. Luckily, Vincent pitches in and helps him make everything look nice. Bo goes all out with streamers, balloons, banners, he even got you a cake!

He’s more than eager to give you your presents as well. Of course he had to buy you a lingerie set, it’s a surprise that’ll help the two of you later that night…

Bo is a simple man, he just wants everyone to know that you belong to him. So he also got you a dainty little necklace of his name. Sure it may be cute to you, but secretly he’s laying his claim to you.

Usually he’s busy with keeping up the town but just this once he spends the entire day with you. Bo spending so much quality time with you doing whatever you want really says a lot.

He may even take you to the next town over for a nice dinner. After all, no one should have to cook on their own birthday and it’ll make good use of the cute little sundress he got you and gives you the opportunity to dress up. You better wear the lingerie he got you under it though. Good luck making it to the bedroom when the two of you get back from the restaurant.

Vincent Sinclair

You’re not sure who is more excited, him or you. Vincent makes sure that you have the best time ever and makes the whole day about you. It’s the perfect chance for him to spend the whole day with you and show you how much he loves you.

When you wake up he’ll be missing. He woke up early to make you your favorite breakfast. He had hoped to bring it to you in bed but sadly you’ve always been the early riser. Luckily for you, unlike Bo, Vincent is a good cook. How do you think the three boys survived before you showed up?

Vincent has always been a more private person so while there’s not any decorations all over the house and he can’t take you out to a fancy dinner you can still expect plenty of sweet surprises. He made you a bouquet of wildflowers that he picked, got you the new books you had been telling him you wanted, managed to snag one of the vinyls for the new album your favorite artist had recently released, and even got you some new outfits that he thought would look cute on you.

Vincent would be the one to put on music and dance around the living room with you. He enjoys personal time with you and uses the day to really express to you just how much he cares for you.

At the end of the day he runs you a hot bath. While you soak in the tub he throws around the rose petals and gets the ribbons and candles ready. Before you have time to get dressed Vincent will be scooping you up, tossing you on the bed, and tying you up. Be ready for a long night!

Thomas Hewitt

There’s not really much he can do for you seeing as the town is running low on supplies. Still, he’ll do his best to still make your birthday special for you. Mainly he’s just going to kick Hoyt and Monty out for the day so that you can have one peaceful day together. Luda gets to stay seeing as she’s also happy to celebrate with you.

Thomas lets Luda Mae know he wants to surprise you with something. So while he works on the surprise she’ll make sure to keep you occupied. Luda Mae will fix your hair for you and go ahead and give you the gift that she had made you, a sundress made from floral print fabric. She’s so happy her son found someone, especially someone as beautiful as you.

Thomas will have handmade you a small necklace. Since you didn’t tell him about your birthday until shortly before the day, you left him with little time to make it. He’s lucky that your comfortable with Luda Mae and he can get her to keep you distracted,

When Tommy sees you with the dress his momma made you and your hair fixed up he almost forgets about the small piece of jewelry in his pocket.

After hearing you squeal with delight when you open his gift he’s ecstatic! He loves nothing more than making you happy. when you eagerly get him to help you put it on he thinks he’s going to spontaneously combust with his love for you.

Luda Mae will bake you a cake. You’re basically her daughter in law at this point and she’s going to make sure that you have a good day. She enjoys having another woman in the house and enjoys seeing you and Thomas happy together. You’ve given her the complete family that she’s always wanted.

Brahms Heelshire

Brahms is very good at being sneaky. At this point, Malcolm already knows that Brahms is a real person. So Brahms has no issue with getting Malcolm to bring him everything he needs and giving him the extra money for the week. He makes sure to cover all the bases, he got you presents, a small cake, and of course stuff to decorate the living room.

The decorations in the living room aren’t necessarily the best. Brahms hasn’t been responsible for doing anything like this in his whole life. But he still does his best to try and impress you and make you happy. Just don’t expect for his best to be very good. After all, it is the thought that counts.

Honestly Brahms not being self centered for once should be enough of a surprise. It’s your birthday so he’ll make sure to be on his best behavior just for you! No tantrums or arguing, he promises! He even makes sure to hide the schedule for the day to make sure you know that today you get to relax.

Of course, you’ll still have to cook since Brahms is only capable of making sandwiches. His peanut butter to jelly ratio may be perfect but that’s not exactly the type of meal he thinks you would want on your birthday. So he does make sure to get the ingredients for all of your favorite foods!

Your presents include expensive jewelry, pretty clothes, and of course lingerie although that’s more of a gift for Brahms than it is for you. He’ll have you model all of the dresses and clothes that he got you. The big finale is the lace bra and underwear that you won’t be wearing for much longer.

Brahms is a switch and usually ends up being the more submissive one in bed. Tonight however, he’ll co for a change of pace and be more dominant. For once, he was the one spoiling you instead of the other way around and that brings out the more mature and dominant side of him. Expect o be sore the next day though, Brahms isn’t exactly good with holding back.

Billy Loomis

Billy has a tendency to be narcissistic and obviously an ass. But he can also be great at hiding those traits. On your birthday he makes sure to do exactly that, really playing up the bad boy/boy next door front he’s capable of. Tatum did believe that he was practically perfect, and on your special day, he’ll do his best to do exactly that.

He may not have the same money as Stu, but he still manages to spoil you. You’ll have his full attention for the day and he let you decide almost everything. Billy even lets you pick out the movies that you watch together on your birthday, which is something he’s never allowed to happen before.

Seeing you be happy gives him a funny feeling that he’s not used to which can cause him to act a little awkward. You throw him off a little bit. He didn’t expect to care so much about someone until you fell into his lap. He’s a simp for you and he knows it. If he wasn’t then he wouldn’t be making reservations for that fancy restaurant you loved and buying you a new outfit just for said reservation. Yeah he’s down bad.

Makes sure that you order whatever you want, today cost doesn’t matter. But if he knows your favorite, he orders for you in an attempt to impress you. See, he remembers your favorite food, isn’t he just the best. Also gets your favorite over priced dessert even if you have to take it to go. He can’t bake and he knows that store bought cake just doesn’t compare to the fancy restaurants.

He bought you lingerie for under that cute little outfit and he expects to see it by the end of night. Expect to pinned against the front door before either of you has the chance to unlock it. Billy has been imagining you in nothing but your birthday suit all night and he simply cannot wait any longer.

There’s nothing he enjoys more than seeing you fall apart underneath him. He loves seeing you look absolutely cock drunk with your makeup smeared on your face. Your moans and begs eventually begin to melt together and you just become and incoherent mess as he makes you cum again and again. It’s still not enough for him though, he’s going to make you scream.

Stu Macher

He is very determined to make you have the best day over. Expect breakfast in bed! It may not be great but eat it anyways, Stu is not a morning person and he managed to drag his ass out of bed early just for you. So even if the scrambled eggs have the occasional crunch to them it’s best to just grin and bear it.

Is very determined to take you shopping. Expect for him to buy you anything that you touch or pick up. Like the amazing boyfriend he is he will also carry the many bags that you end up with. You’ll have a brand new wardrobe by the end of the day. Of course he made you pick out a few lingerie sets. He even pointed out the ones he liked and made you find your size.

Of course, Stu will still take you out to a fancy restaurant and do the whole traditional night out thing. After dinner though the two of you will end up on the roof of his house that he made sure to help you out on. Stu is secretly a hopeless romantic deep down and will spend time looking at the stars with you because he thinks it’s something that you would like. Will listen to you as you ramble on about planets and watch as you point out constellations if that’s something you do.

Stu is very clingy at all times so he will be hanging over you all day. That’s nothing really out of the ordinary though. But usually those touches include grabbing your boobs, smacking your ass, and rubbing your hips. On your birthday the touches turn more gentle. Expect him to gently tuck your hair behind your ear so he can see your face, gently caressing your cheek, rubbing your knuckles while he holds your hand, all soft and sweet gestures to convey he truly does care.

He’s usually very fast paced with everything including talking, movements, and of course that includes in bed. But tonight he’ll be slow and gentle, drawing everything out. Also makes sure to focus on your pleasure instead of his own for once.

Asa Emory

Asa never thought he would celebrate anyone’s birthday. He certainly never celebrated his own and doesn’t see the point in doing so. To him, birthdays are just another day and there’s no point in celebrating ageing. So he went about most of his life ignoring birthdays, until you came along.

Asa adored you and your enthusiasm for life and all the good things in the world. You were a bright person, especially when compared to him, and he loved the innocence about it. So when you began to mention your birthday coming up with excitement in your voice he knew that you had expectations for your special day.

He may not be a person who celebrates but he’ll be damned if he disappoints. You’re the one good thing life has given him and he’s not letting you get away from him. If that means getting you a small cupcake and sticking a candle in it and a present then so be it. He can manage doing a little something for you.

When he’s not in his collector persona he is much more awkward and an absolute dork in your eyes. So when he takes you out for a nice dinner you’ll notice his slightly off behavior. Asa doesn’t like crowded public spaces and you’ll be able to pick up on his fidgeting. Luckily your good at carrying the conversation for him.

Asa appreciates that you understand it’s hard for him. So when you begin to do most of the talking and don’t pressure him to contribute much to the conversation besides the occasional nod he’s able to relax.

On the way home he gets nervous once more. What if you hate the present he got for you or expected more. He had only gotten you one thing and it wasn’t much. But when you finally open it and you light up like a kid on Christmas morning he lets out a heavy sigh and finally relaxes. It was only a simple necklace but you acted like he had just handed you the stars.

Asa will be surprisingly gentle with you for one night. Of course, he’ll still tie you up and absolutely wreck you but he makes sure to leave out the cutting and biting out for once. The only bruises you have will be on your hips from his harsh grip. It’s the closest thing you’re going to get to love making from him, but you know him well enough to get the meaning behind it.

Jesse Cromeans

Anything you want and it’s yours, he can make anything happen for you. He makes sure to tie up any loose ends with his business well before your birthday so that nothing can interrupt his time spent with you. Of course he makes sure to spoil you even more than he normally does.

Would love to take you on some fancy vacation and stay in one of the finest hotels there. Go ahead, pick any place you want to travel to and he’ll make the arrangements. He makes sure that anywhere he takes you is more private and remote rather than tourist-y though. Both so that he feels more comfortable and so that you can feel special and not have to deal with crowds.

Does the whole flower petals on the bed, candles, flowers, ice bucket with champagne kind of ordeal back at the hotel. Did you really expect him not to though? He has the money to so why not and he knows that even though you claim it’s cheesy that you absolutely love it. Th blush on your face and look in your eyes give away your love of cheesy things and he pays attention to every little thing you do.

Of course you get new jewelry, designer clothes, and lingerie but you get other gifts as well. Pretty much anything you’ve mentioned to him recently he makes sure to get you. Rambling on about that new book your favorite author just released? It’s yours! Been needing new materials for any of your hobbies? You got them!

Expect rough sex. Jesse rarely does gentle and with how much smaller you are than him he can sometimes accidentally hurt you. Your just so small and fragile compared to him kitten, he can’t help it. Of course he always makes sure to take care of you afterwards with a hot bath and will gently massage the knots out of your muscles. Jesse always makes sure that you’re taken care of.

[twistedtummies2]

The Devils I Know - Number 26

Welcome to “The Devils I Know!” For this spooky time of year, from now till Halloween, I’ll be counting down My Top 31 Depictions of the Devil, from movies, television, video games, and more! Today’s Devil likes his town with a little drop of poison. Bua ha ha. Number 26 is…Tom Waits, from The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.

This surreal fantasy film by Monty Python alumni Terry Gilliam sort of slipped under the cracks for me for a long time. I finally got a chance to watch it, and it’s a pretty intriguing and spellbinding story. It’s also chock-full of celebrity talent: Christopher Plummer, Andrew Garfield, Paloma Faith, Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell, Jude Law, and Heath Ledger in his final film posthumous film role, just to name a few. The movie focuses on an old magician, the leader of a traveling troupe, called Doctor Paranassus, played by Plummer. Parnassus has access to a device called “The Imaginarium,” which can send people into a dreamworld where all their desires can be theirs…potentially. This is where things get interesting: once inside the dreamland, the ones exploring are given a choice of difficult self-fulfillment, or blind and easy ignorance.

This choice serves a purpose, as it’s revealed that Parnassus, many years ago, made a deal with the Devil, here referred to as “Mr. Nick.” Nick’s bargain was that he would give Parnassus eternal life…but he forgot to ask for eternal youth. Later, Parnassus tried to make a deal for the latter, and Nick accepted…for a price, naturally. In return, Parnassus would have to put a certain number of people through the Imaginarium. If enough people choose the path of self-fulfillment, then Parnassus will have nothing to fear; otherwise, when his precious daughter, Valentina, turns 16, her body and soul will become the property of the Devil himself. When a lad named Tony – a handsome but dangerous con-man – becomes involved with the troupe, Parnassus hopes he can use the young man to fulfill his debt and save his daughter. Tom Waits, of all people, was cast to play Mr. Nick in this film. While primarily known for his musical talents, Waits has actually done some acting in his lifetime; a personal favorite example of mine was when he played Renfield in Francis Ford Coppola’s version of “Dracula.” His performance as the Devil is very, VERY clearly influenced by an earlier portrayal (which we’ll get to later in the countdown), that being Walter Huston’s much-lauded performance in “The Devil and Daniel Webster” from 1941. Waits’ Devil is essentially a sleazy trickster, somehow equal parts suave and shabby, with an impish sense of humor and spirit to his performance. He feels more like Rumpelstiltskin than the Lord of Darkness, and I think that’s the point. This is a fairy-tale Devil, a wicked little old man out of something like “Never Bet the Devil Your Head” or other classic tales. He’s a lot of fun to watch, and Waits is clearly having a blast snaking his way through every shot. In a movie filled with so much talent, it’s telling that Mr. Nick steals just about every scene he has.

Tomorrow, the countdown continues with Number 25! HINT: He’s a Marvel to behold.

[she-who-the-river-could-not-hold]

Crackling Fires 2021 | October Fic Challenge

"I Know"

hosted by: @crackling-fires | prompt(s): day 07 – antique shops | ship(s): Murven | wc: 899 Raven needs some last minute costume pieces for the Halloween party that Jasper and Monty are throwing and Murphy tags along. Somehow they accidentally decide on a couple's costume at the antique shop and Raven has to figure out what that means. 

The same universe as the pumpkin patch fic.

“You seriously don’t have a costume already? I thought you were a planner––the party is in five days.”

Raven rolled her eyes as she shifted through her stack of homework. “Fuck off Murphy, I’ll be fine. Are you telling me you don’t have one?”

The bane of her existence, and unfortunate star of her current romantic fantasies, sighed and slouched back in his chair. Murphy had come to bother her at the library before they all met up for dinner at the dining hall. She both hated and appreciated his presence because his habit of making her tongue-tied went from non-existent to almost consistent since the piggy back ride at the pumpkin patch.

“Of course I don’t yet,” Murphy replied exasperatedly, tipping his chair back into a precarious angle, “but that’s my brand. I’m never prepared. You probably came out of the womb correcting the doctor on how to properly be prepared or whatever.”

She couldn’t help but feel a smile tug at her lips at the strange compliment. 

“Well what do you propose we do about it then?” Raven snapped her notebook closed and arched an eyebrow at him. Grinning now that he had her full attention, Murphy let the chair slide back into its correct position and leaned over the table towards her. Raven fought against the blush threatening to bloom on her cheeks as he stared intently at her.

“That antique store on Polis Drive. The owner is one of Clarke’s old flings, Niylah. There’s gotta be some cool shit there and I know you don’t ever want to blend in, even at Halloween.”

***

The antique shop was, indeed, filled with “cool shit” as per Murphy’s description.

Niylah, a striking tall blonde woman, let them in and pointed out the different sections of it all. Apparently it had all started from her father’s collection and grew over time as she sought to save items from ruin in neighborhood garage sales and collectors who needed new homes as they moved on. There was only one other person in the shop, giving them essentially the run of it as they hunted through the racks of tightly packed clothes.

“You own white pants, right?” Murphy’s voice floated over, muffled from the distance and the towering faux-marble statue between them.

Raven had to think for a second before she remembered her own wardrobe. She did have white pants––she’d bought them when Harper had dragged everyone with her back when she was trying to figure out what sorority to join. But somehow it had been a year since then and Raven hadn’t gotten rid of the pants. But less startling than that (she didn’t trust herself to wear the color often), was that Murphy remembered.

“Yeah…” she confirmed cautiously, “why?”

He appeared beside one of the racks and excitedly held up a top. It was some type of vintage top, probably from the sixties, and was white and long sleeved that belled out around the wrist. When Raven didn’t respond right away, Murphy gave the hanger a wiggle.

“Picture it: a retro inspired Princess Leia in A New Hope. We just need to find a silver belt or something that you could wear. Then with the white pants, skirt, or whatever, throw your hair in a bun, boom.” 

Raven couldn’t find the grin tugging at her lips.

“That’s actually a pretty good idea, Murphy. Well done.”

A hint of bashfulness overcame him but he quickly shrugged it off with a wave. “Movies were a big thing when I was a kid. I’ve got all of those costumes burned into my brain.”

Raven immediately became intrigued at the visual, thinking of her own lack of movie knowledge as well. There probably wasn’t a subtle way of doing it, but she’d have to figure out how to ask him about doing a movie night sometime.

“What about you?” She walked up and took the shirt from him, inspecting it as she did. It was in good condition thankfully and she definitely could imagine what he was describing. Maybe she wasn’t a huge movie person, but she most certainly knew about Star Wars; it had been her first introduction to space and the obsession that she’d carry in her heart ever since.Murphy pointed down at the basket in hand. A heavy, brownish gray leather vest was nestled inside.

“Han Solo.” His eyes shot up to meet hers. “If you’re cool with it, obviously.”

He didn’t say the words but they were clearly underlying his statement.

A couples costume.

Raven hoped her nervousness didn’t come through at all as she assured him that of course it was fine. But butterflies were erupting in her stomach and heart pounded. Did she look ridiculous right now? Murphy didn’t seem to be acting differently but she was pretty damn sure she had a comically large, goofy grin on her face as she trailed after him to find the rest of the pieces.       

But in between the aisles of trinkets, memorabilia and clothes, she thought she caught a glimpse of a privately proud smile on his face. So when he insisted on paying for the costumes, Raven let him. And as they drove back and talked about the movie franchise (it turned out they both agreed about the prequels being underrated), she became even more confident about her new Halloween plans:

Tell Murphy about her feelings for him.

[forthegothicheroine]

Top five dumbass characters (affectionate)

Aww, I love this question!

1. The Pirate King from Pirates of Penzance. Really, I could nominate anyone in the operetta (Frederick is dumber in some ways, and Mabel's whole appeal is singing sweetly while saying incredibly dippy things) but I have to respect for someone whose whole (great) sex appeal comes from being an idiot. He's a parody of villains with honor, in that his honor prevents him from successfully being a pirate and his piracy prevents him from successfully being honorable. Kevin Kline as the Pirate King was my first ever movie crush.

2. Murasaki from The Hero Yoshihiko. This zero-budget Japanese tv show is kind of in the same vein as Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where a heroic youth sets out to defeat a demon king with his ragtag adventuring party, several of whom are openly trying to kill him. Murasaki is one of those people, setting out to avenge her father's death based on a picture of the killer, which is scrawled in childish stick figure and could be literally anyone. She's not the dumbest member of the party, but the fact that they can't even trust her with a real weapon yet still keep her in the adventuring party warms my heart.

3. Nadja from What We Do in the Shadows. Again, she's in a cast full of dumbasses and hardly the dumbest one there, but the concept of Gomez and Morticia But They Suck was wonderful and Nadja is the far more endearing partner. Her handling of the Bram Stoker's Dracula plotline with her reincarnated lost love, such that she ends up ruining his life, was an absolutely wonderful deconstruction, beautiful in her failure. I want to dress like her and blame witches for literally everything that happens in my life and turn bullied nerd girls into vampires on a whim and misunderstand the concept of a superbowl party.

4. Wayne and Garth from Wayne's World. I'm a simple woman who laughs at simple jokes. These dumb metalheads have a public access tv show that's basically a forerunner of Jenny Nicholson-style youtubers, where they ramble about whatever is in their head at the moment and showcase random dumb stuff, and the main draw is just their goofy personalities. Wayne/Cassandra is one of the only times I've really bought the 'schlubby guy and super hot girl' pairing because Wayne seems like he'd be a genuinely fun guy to be with (maybe this comes from having a female director.) The gang of friends are all well meaning and sometimes intentionally funny, but very easy to trick and very immature in their humor. Plus Wayne and Garth have meta-narrative powers which they only ever use at the very end of their movies at the last second.

5. Nick Bottom from A Midsummer Night's Dream. I think that many actors identify with this guy, and I certainly do. Who doesn't know the desire to perform literally every part in a play with performances melodramatic to the point of hilarity? Once again, Kevin Kline imbues this dumbass with sex appeal and heart. His speech about the fairy dream is poignant exactly because he's expressing such beautiful visions but is just not as eloquent as he thinks he is. Once again, I can relate.

[stalinqrad]

Tell me about your favorite film!

This ask made me realise how much I am Not a movie person. My instinctual response to "what's your favourite film" would be "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" which is sort of like being invited to a gastronomy conference and loudly announcing your favourite food is sausage pizza.

In any case, I will talk about a Selection of four movies I've liked, Monty Python included. (long-ish rant ahead)

1. Sense and Sensibility (1995):

Starting with Sense and Sensibility as it is my favourite Austen adaptation! It happens to star many of my favourite actors so I am biased in my judgement but I find it to be so marvelously entertaining. I like that it doesn't feel too sprawling and grand, it has this sort of restrained yet delicate feel to it. Like an old chest filled with handmade lace tablecloths. I enjoyed how the differences between Elinor and Marianne were accentuated yet both of them were treated with the outmost love by the narrative. I enjoyed their dynamic a lot!

2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975): I won’t offer any analysis on this but I will simply express how much I love it. I will also say that I am so glad (almost) everyone likes this movie because it deserves all the appreciation in the universe. It will Never be overrated. Even if every single person in the world watches it ten times a day and quotes it from morning to night, it won’t be over-appreciated. I think it’s such a classic silly movie, a comedy staple! The acting is, of course, excellent (especially my beloved Graham Chapman), the gags, the costumes, the music, the concept!! Everything is a colourful, hilarious bombastic Arthuriana parody and it’s simply perfection. It has influenced so many other movies and shows and it will always be one of my top comfort movies ever.

3. A Man with a Movie Camera (1928): OKAY SO, this one has been on my favourite film list ever since I had a constructivist phase like a year and a half ago. It technically doesn’t have a plot but I find it very interesting how it shows a progressive narrative, sort of like the “life cycle” of the cities it depicts. It portrays the city sort of like a living organism, being born and waking up, breathing, moving, dying etc. It doesn’t use any actors just actual footage from various cities and the director used so many cool and creative and very new techniques for his time (which I find very interesting). I also like seeing industrialism being explored in art in general (so it was definitely relevant to my interests).

4. Little Women (1994): I watched this rather recently and I was blown away! The actors did a marvelous job at portraying family relations so full of tenderness and love, especially Winona Ryder and Trini Alvarado. The performances had this incredible authentic feel to them and the atmosphere of the movie was that of a Christmas feast and a cozy living room. Having watched the 2019 little women movie, I believe that this one truly managed to explore in depth Jo and Meg as characters (Florence’s Amy will always be my favourite though). Winona’s performance encapsulated this, raucous and fearful pain of adolescence and the overwhelming chaos in the face of all the unknown possibilities, alongside intense determination fuelled by love and the desire to live as widely as possible. Loved this version of Jo March she was great!

Bonus - so-bad-it's-good movie: Bonnie Prince Charlie (1948)

Do you like hammy acting? Bad costumes? Drawn-out plots? Obviously fake scenery? Idealised portrayals of historical figures? If your answer to the above is “yes”, then Bonnie Prince Charlie is the movie for you! A dramatised depiction of the 1745 Jacobite Rebellion, it’s objectively Baaaaaad at being a serious historical drama. However, if you forget it’s meant to be serious and just watch it as a comedy it suddenly becomes so entertaining. It does have a lot of comedic elements, see: the washerwoman disguise, and ~zee obnoxiously fake German accents of George II und zee Duke of Cumberland~ but other than that it is a pretty entertaining movie in general. The lead actor absolutely despised filming it, and it’s rather obvious which makes it even funnier. It does have some pretty good scenes but trust me, if I ever recommend it, it’s not for its quality.