#the first year I passed like a months or two without making art for myself and only doing homework

[lucianinsanity]

"Oh, that art class was a lot and my hands hurt, I should get home and do more art to relax"

Me, every day since I started uni

[saintjosie]

i’m not humble bragging when i say im pretty and passing. i’m hot as fuck.

when i brag, i brag with my whole chest, and i don’t do it often. so let me brag for a minute.

i am an excellent photographer and i worked in professional photography and videography for almost a decade and have traveled all around the world to do so. left image taken in milan, right image taken in thailand.

i hold one of the top scores on rush pinball on record. 25th in the world last i checked and i got this score five months after picking up pinball.

i try new hobbies all the time and almost always pick them up at an insane speed. on the left, first time painting since high school on the right, first acrylic pour.

after two weeks learning archery, i shot a regulation 140, better than many hobbyists do after shooting for years. image taken from my first day of shooting and shooting at full range.

i’ve dabbled in makeup art. this was after three weeks of learning how to do eye shadow.

i can sing, play guitar, bass, piano, drums, can improvise on all of them except piano and i write, produce, mix, and master all of my own music. i started learning music production four years ago from online videos and have 100s of thousands of streams and am working on a full album. this was my spotify wrapped for 2023.

other miscellaneous things

i have a masters degree

i learned how to lockpick in seven minutes

i’ve been world top 500 demon hunter in diablo 3 multiple times

i cleared slay the spire on my first run

i have cleared every song on guitar hero 2 and 3 on expert 100% (yes even through the fire and flames), and could clear more than half of them either blindfolded, left-handed, or both. (not anymore tho lol)

i taught myself how to cook, i make up my own recipes frequently, i can improvise recipes using whatever is lying around, i can guess how to make a recipe without looking it up, and many people have told me that my cooking is the best thing they’ve ever eaten.

i took a data science bootcamp and then worked at a fortune 500 tech company for several years and i also turned down job offers from google twice.

strangers regularly come up to me and tell me i’m unrealistically gorgeous and that i have the best skin they’ve ever seen.

i’ve turned down several men in the mainstream music industry who tried to slide into my dms

oh and i can dance at bars, have a good time, AND look sexy while doing it.

so like 🤷‍♀️

[crescencestudio]

๋࣭⭑ Devlog #41 | 5.28.24 ๋࣭⭑

It's hot girl (/gender neutral) summer season

HAPPY MAY!!

Hope you're all doing well <3 We're already getting into summer, which is a little crazy to me. The year is flying by! Before I get into what we actually did this month, it wouldn't be a May devlog without our annual Mermay celebration!

Look at those locks. His Ariel/Rapunzel era fr

Since I already had updated Mermay pieces for the Alaris LIs, I decided to do one for our beloved Van this year ^^ Hope you all like it!

For writing this month, I spent a lot of it catching up on Etza edits. Being totally transparent, I wasn't Completely Happy with their route when their draft was finished. But now that I've started the editing process with Wudgey, I'm really excited to see how their route is shaping up!!! We've been fleshing a lot of little interactions out with their route, and I can already see Etza's character really starting to shine with these edits ^^

I've also been chipping away at Kuna'a's route! While it's nowhere near finished, I'm hopeful that this upcoming month will be the month of Kuna'a now that I don't have a bunch of releases I'm trying to balance. His route is also one of the ones whose outline is more fleshed out (Druk and Etza I would say were the least fleshed out, which might be why they also took a bit longer). So I'd love to see Kuna'a's first draft complete/almost complete by the next devlog!

This month, I had to dust off my art skills tbh LMFAOIJSDF. It's been.... a WHILE since I've made CGs since I've been in the writing and coding dungeon for so long. So most of this month's art updates are me getting tilted from redrawing an ugly sketch over and over.

I DID manage to get the Van Mermay piece out. And I also was able to sketch out Kayn's Tragic End CG; that leaves only one CG that has to be sketched out! Currently, six of their CGs are finished, two need to be rendered, and one needs to be drawn still.

And since Kayn's CGs are mostly done, I've started drawing Fenir's. I was actually able to finish one because I basically Locked In when I made it, so here is a sneak peek!

Kisses his little pink nose

You might notice there's not toooo many updates on this month's devlog. The reason for that is because this month, I spent a lot of it recovering both mentally and physically. April shenanigans and those back-to-back releases took a lot out of me, and after going full speed basically since this year started, I learned I REALLY needed a break. That coupled with the concussion I got made it so that most of this month was focused on recovering and then getting back into the groove of things.

Another thing I tried to focus on this month was finding a balance in my workflow. Going into this month, I felt like I was on the verge of a mental breakdown almost every day, in large part because I have a lot of big things I'm trying to accomplish this year. Between finishing my dissertation, Alaris, and a personal big event that I have to plan, I have a lot on my plate this year, and it's made it easy to get overwhelmed as the months pass by. So I wanted to find a balance between all three that didn't make me feel like I was also falling into insanity. After talking to beloved Wudgey of @herotome fame, I've started adopting a schedule that gives me enough structure and flexibility to feel like I'm making progress without going crazy and getting lost in the sauce.

While it's still early in the process, I'm really happy with the balance I've hit, and I'm feeling much more like myself now compared to a month ago!

I caught up on quite a few things in my backlog this month, which made me happy ^^ I always like to learn from and support other devs, so finally being able to return to that helped with the recovery process <3

I don't have any actual fanart pieces, but there are a couple of games I'd like to highlight!

First of all, of course I must talk about our hot girl (/gender neutral) summer cross-promo. If you haven't checked out these games, I can't recommend them enough!!

Links to each game can be found on the Alaris Game page under the magic and mystery otome section!

Specifically, Save the Villainess, The Good People, and Thorn for the Villain are amazing games if you're into thriller/political games layered with mystery

The Silent Kingdom (which I played recently and is AMAZING) and Dual Chroma (Otojam 2023 ALLY) have added mechanics of RPG for exciting action-adventure fantasy stories

Lost in Limbo, Obscura, and Snow White Ashes are BEAUTIFUL dark fantasy games. I've played all three of these and they have some of the most beautiful writing and visuals... BIG FAN OF ALL OF THEM.

Mask Beyond Lies and Sigh of the Abyss have that epic fantasy adventure appeal to them, in a way that I think is similar to Alaris! And Pearlglow Cafe (another Otojam 2023 ALLY) is a very lighthearted and charming game for those of you who like the comfy vibe that most of my stories have!!

Some other games that I played are Favor (@favorvn) by beloved @concreteparasite which is SOOOOO stylish. If you've played Binary Star Hero by Connie, you can expect that same stylish, dark, sultry vibe from Favor. If you haven't checked out either of those games by Connie, I can't recommend them enough, especially if you like yanderes. There is so much aesthetic and atmosphere to them!

I also played Where Winter Crows Go by @prikarin who is a VERY talented developer (and one I'm sure many are familiar with). I had a lot of fun romancing Crowe and both the MC and him have such strong personalities, it was so fun seeing their dynamic!!!! The CGs were also made by anta, who is the dev behind Thorn for the Villain, and they're BEAUTIFULLLLL. Each one has so much style and rly has a professional look to them. Can't recommend enough if you haven't played already ((heads up that it is another yandere game for those who can't do yandere!))

Okay I've yapped enough. If you've made it this far, you are god's strongest soldier LFMASLDIFJ. See you all next month with hopefully some exciting progress!

[lethesbeastie]

My betta fish, Achilles, passed this morning.

I haven't talked about my fish here much, aside from the occasional shitpost or silly doodle, but they've done a lot for me, especially Achilles.

See, Achilles was the very first fish I bought. I got him back in January of 2023, and as of today I'd had him for almost two years. I know that might not seem like much, but Achilles was a petstore betta— their lives tend to be short due to shitty breeding and terrible keeping in corporate locations. I knew going in that, as hardy as betta can be, there was a chance I'd fuck things up and lose him if I wasn't careful.

I've had a lot of experience losing pets. Like a lot of kids who get into exotic animal keeping, I started with lizards I caught in my backyard as a child and worked my way upwards through various "beginner" pets that I usually took in from family after their care became too burdensome for them. I loved those animals, but I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't fail them more often then not. I had mental health issues and school and grew negligent with cleaning tanks. After I lost my leopard gecko Lillian back in 2020, I decided I wasn't going to keep anything until I had the mental capacity to care for it properly. I didn't have the time to anyway; I was going to college and couldn't exactly keep a pet in the dorms.

I tried other things in the meantime. Threw myself into art even more, got into dnd, tried (and failed) at making terrariums with moss. I got better mentally, then had to live at home after freshman year of college and got worse.

Eventually, I realized I was getting a lot worse, and that I needed something to focus on to drag me out of it. I needed something I could care for, but that I could set up in a way that it would be able to sustain itself if I fell off mentally again. I started getting into terrariums once more, then isopods. I came across Serpadesign on YouTube, fell in love with the notion of building vivariums. And through that, I discovered a newfound desire to keep fish.

I do not want to prop up stereotypes: fish are not "easy" pets, no matter what petstores tell you. I did not go into fishkeeping because I wanted to put an animal in a bowl. I got into fishkeeping because I saw that it was possible to create a self sustaining ecosystem at an accessible size if I was willing put in the proper work. And god, I was willing to put in the work. I spent months scouring the aquascaping community on YouTube for tutorials and process videos, did research into the best types of fish for small tanks and the most ethical ways to keep them. I had spare tanks from my old reptile keeping days that I could easily repurpose for fishkeeping, and I spent every spare penny from Christmas and birthdays on buying up hardscape and natural decor.

And one day, while browsing my local petsmart, I saw Achilles.

I loved him the second I saw him, the moment I picked up his little cup and was greeted with the most indignant stare. He flared at me, which I'd never seen a betta do in a cup before. I was enamored, decided that I had to take him home.

I bought him on impulse, which wasn't the smartest thing to do. I didn't have a tank set up yet. I just knew I had the supplies and that I could make an early setup safer by dosing beneficial bacteria to jumpstart the nitrogen cycle. My first tank wasn't as naturalistic as I'd hoped, but it was functional, and I knew I could add more plants as time went on and Achilles settled.

Like I said, it's been almost two years. I've gone from keeping an underwhelming five gallon with gravel to several fully furnished naturalistic tanks with riparium plants for additional biological filtration. I still make mistakes now and then, since fishkeeping is a continuous learning process, but I've been able to provide my fish a home that sustains them naturally, and I have aspirations to build more tanks when finances and time allow.

None of this would've happened without Achilles. I would never have had the courage to do this if I hadn't fallen in love with the silly betta I found that day in 2023. He's been a constant friend, a source of joy, and a reason for me to keep going.

I'm going to miss him very, very much. But I can take heart in the fact that he brought me into a hobby I loved. Sparked a passion that will stay with me for life. Feel proud of the fact that I gave him an enjoyable life for the time in which he shared my home.

Achilles inspired one of my favorite creative writing pieces I did last year, so I'll share that here in his honor. It's called Betta Splendens, it's about fish, petstores, and the existential dread of living in late-stage capitalism as a disabled person.

[takaraphoenix]

This is going to be a deeply personal post that I want to share because I hope it can also be somewhat inspirational and motivational for others.

I started a new job a month ago and I deeply love it. I mean, genuinely love it. Love the place, the people, the work. I'm happy going to work and I find joy in what I do and time passes startlingly fast at work because I'm enjoying it. Plus, I make good enough money (sure, it could always be more, but it's already more than my last job which is great).

I honestly didn't think that was a thing. Growing up, I always thought that work is that thing you force yourself through for the sake of money. The requirement. I thought it was crazy when people claimed they liked their work. But damn, I love my work.

When I finished high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Fourteen years ago. And it's been a longwided and bumpy journey, but it brought me to a place where I'm happy and where I can see myself working for the next thirty years.

Not knowing where you want to go, or how you could get there, is incredibly, overwhelmingly frustrating. But sometimes, you just have to keep going and figure it out along the way.

(The more long-winded journey under the cut.)

I had no idea what I wanted to do after high school, partially because my school never really prepared us for what comes after.

Our local university is large, and it intimidated me beyond belief when I was eighteen, there was just no way I could go there.

But there was a small, private art school around where I lived and everyone always kept saying turn your passion into your profession, right? So sure, why not. Let's go to art school.

Four years later, I had a Bachelor's degree in art and had also fully lost my passion for drawing. It had become a chore. So I knew that... that wouldn't work out for me. I needed to find something different.

I've always admired the teachers who could inspire others and make you feel welcome in their classes and I was pretty good at teaching others, so I figured, maybe I could become a teacher?

I first signed up for English and Philosophy (with the goal of teaching ethics). I made friends in the first semester in both classes, but I had to switch out of English after one semester - mostly because the teachers were actually insane. They prided themselves in failing at least 10% of first semesters and made the beginning unnecessarily hard and no... fun. I think learning should be fun.

So I switched from English to German and, ultimately, after five years, got my Bachelor's degree in German philology and Philosophy. During the high-time of Covid. My last two semesters were exclusively spent in remote zoom classes.

The thought of becoming a teacher - of being in a room with thirty students for ninety minutes, before class ends and the next thirty students file in for the next ninety minutes, in an endless circle of hell - absolutely terrified me. Heck, the thought of going back to classes to get my Master's degree to actually become a teacher was already mortifying.

So, once again, I stood there, without a plan, but with a useless BA.

I didn't know what I wanted to do, to be quite frank. I was running out of motivation to find something new, because it started to feel like I was truly just failing one thing after the other. I was 29 and had absolutely nothing to show but two Bachelor's degrees.

I became a temp, after a year of unemployment, working in an office in an insurance company. And I liked it alright. The work more or less, but the feeling. Oh, the feeling of working in a small team in an office absolutely delighted me!

I lost that job at the end of last year and went back to being unemployed for half a year. Until a friend of mine, who was working at our alma mater as a secretary, told me about how happy she was working for our university and how she had also started there because she had no prior work experience and none of the required qualifications. She also told me that our university has its own job hunting website and that they never put their job listings onto foreign sites.

I went looking the same day, applied to a job that I got a job interview for but that didn't entirely fit for me. A week later, I applied to another one - and it fit like a glove. I got a job interview before the application phase even ended, I was invited to spend a day observing the work and was supposed to give a yes/no on whether I want to move forward with the process the next day, which I did. All I expected in return was a thank you and to be told when I might hear back to them after they saw other applicants. Instead, I got the job that very day.

During every single step, I felt like I was failing. After my first Bachelor, that seemed useless. After giving up on getting my Master and having yet another useless Bachelor. When I lost the temp job.

But every single step in my journey was... necessary, to get me to where I am right now.

Because I wasn't ready for our big university when I was 18, I needed the small, private university that eased me into college life to have the courage to apply to our city's big university.

And the friend who told me about the job website? I met her in my one semester of English. Yes, even years later, even though we were only together in one class during that first semester, we are still friends. And if I hadn't attempted my second degree - if I hadn't started out with and failed out of English - I wouldn't have met her.

If I hadn't gone to this university, I wouldn't have been eager or able to find a job there.

And if I hadn't had the temp job, I wouldn't have discovered my passion for office work.

Who knows, maybe there is an alternate life where I get on the "right" track when I'm eighteen and end up happy too, but for the life I have now, things worked out well and they only did because of every single thing I had failed or changed out of.

Sometimes, you do need the failures to learn from them, to draw something from them that will help you find your way later.

[somediyprojects]

Free Palestine designed by Jacob de Graaf of Modern Folk Embroidery.

Today I want to share a pattern with you that uses Tatreez embroidery elements in support of the people of Palestine struggling through one of the most difficult times in their lives. I am aware that this is a highly divisive and contentious issue for a lot of people. Some people might be shocked or hurt by me sharing this design. I do hope on the other hand that by speaking out, others will do the same and will not be afraid of any backlash that might be there.  Sadly, the world has become more and more polarised – you are either this or that, and if you’re pro-this, you must be anti-that. The world is a more complex place and though I might be pro-this, it does not mean that I am anti-something-else. I hope you can see that side of me. We should not be scared to stand up for what is right, and to speak about such things without the fear of polarisation getting the better of us. For now, the text below as it appears in the booklet plus download links for the pattern.. Rotterdam, May 8th 2024 Lately, my great-uncle Jacob de Graaf and his wife Trijntje de Kroon have been on my mind. Three years ago, they were posthumously awarded the Yad Vashem award for bravery displayed during the Second World War by hiding Jewish citizens in their homes and saving them from certain death at the hands of the Nazis. I never got to know them as they passed just before and after my birth, but I admire their bravery in doing what they felt was right at a time when it was not only difficult but potentially life-threatening. They stood up for people they could help. I thought of it again yesterday when I saw a young man (@samih.madhoun on Instagram) playing a borrowed oud and singing songs in the refugee camp in Rafah, lifting the spirits of fellow refugees through his art. As I tearfully watched the video, I got angry at myself for not doing more besides weeping at my phone. For months, I have been shocked into a state of numbness by the genocide playing out on my TV, computer and phone. The annihilation of Palestine by the Israeli army is being broadcast to us live, and for too long, I have been struggling with how to express my fear, my anger, my frustration, and my support for the Palestinian people.We cannot turn a blind eye to what is currently happening. Our political leaders need to take action and speak out against the current genocide. I do not have the bravery of my great-aunt and uncle, but I can design patterns and share them with others—and hopefully inspire folks to speak out, too. My great-uncle did what was right during WWII. Will we do the same for our brothers and sisters in Palestine? ABOUT THE DESIGN This design uses Tatreez motifs found on traditional Palestinian dress. The central motif, called Scissors and Roses (Muqass wa Ward ), comes from Gaza. As the land is torn apart, I split the design into two, placing the question “Are we not their brothers and sisters” between them. On the sides is a rose border found on a dress from Ramallah. The doves at the bottom are found on many Palestinian embroideries. TECHNICAL DETAILS This design uses two colours: Black (2224 crosses) and Red (4226 crosses). It measures 113 crosses in width and 153 crosses in height. It features only full crosses and no specialty stitches. From the second page of the pattern onwards, you will notice a greyed-out area of 3 crosses wide — this indicates an overlap with the previous page to make it easier for you to continue stitching. The graph below gives size- and floss estimates for a wide range of materials. Floss calculations are based on working with 2 strands on 28- to 36-count linen (14- to 16-count aida). Higher counts use a single strand. You are free to stitch with as many strands as you like. The first floss estimate is for black, the 2nd for red. For instance, on 32-count linen, you would require 1.1 skein of black floss (standard 8 metre length skeins such as DMC and Anchor), and 2.1 skein of red floss.

I charted this in black and red, but feel free to choose your own colours. If you stitch on white, you could add some green to the design for instance to reflect the colours of the Palestinian flag. Thank you so much for downloading this free pattern and showing your support for Palestine. If you can, please make a donation to organisations who are actually doing amazing work in physically helping the Palestinian people. Two organisations that I have donated to are unwra.org and pcrf.net – but there are many bigger and smaller initiatives worthy of your support. Click on one of the links below to download your pattern. Feel free to share, print, and redistribute this design. When you do, I would ask not to change the booklet itself. Free Palestine – A4 format Free Palestine – Letter format With love, Jacob de Graaf

[s1lly-astronaut]

I'm actually in love with Felix, it's not a joke, I do love him.

I know he's not real, but I cannot stop thinking about how the sun's rays passed through his hair in the scenes where you had to admire him, I couldn't help but get lost in his dark gaze every time he smiled at the camera, or notice the lines of the muscles that were marked in certain positions, body carved by a Greek god, a divine demigod representation of the sun, the son of Apollo and Dionysus come to earth to bring joy to mortals who rot in misery, an object of desire, an unattainable goal for me or anyone else.

Every time I think of him makes me understand why people make music or write poetry, Felix makes me create art cause I want to show the world with my doodles how my heart is his and no one else.

I can't help but understand Oliver's obsession over him, cause I can't understand the people who don't fall in love immediately at the moment he is shown to us for the first time; I always believed that you cannot understand Oliver's character if you're not in love with felix too.

I don't think we know him well, his interest, his dreams, part of him is hidden and kidnapped for Oliver, cause he was selfish since the beginning, giving us just crumbs of what Felix really was, just brushstrokes of what he was and how he thought.

Naive kindness and selfish actions, Felix was so complex to my eyes.

I cannot express with words how much I loved him since the first time, how I cried when he died, how part of me hated Oliver for taking Felix's life before he could even grow to be better or worse.

I just know that his existence infested my thoughts in a cruel manner, I just had him for two hours and I resent his loss like I was knowing all my life, I'm still asking myself how Oliver could live years without him after having him for months.

How can a person live without the light of the sun?

That's why I love writing with his perspective, because even with my conflicted emotions I can find a way to adore Felix with his mind.

I'm crying and desiring someone that never was real and that I barely know. And this is embarrassing so I will stop.

Oh dear Felix my heart is yours, squeeze it and make me bleed, i don't care, it's yours and yours alone.

With love and always yours, El⨳⨳⨳⨳⨳⨳ M⨳⨳⨳⨳⨳⨳

[archivalofsins]

I'm about to complain about something that's been bugging me more since I started writing theories, and it's gonna be phrased harshly. People hate the art of storytelling. They hate the act of reading words on a screen with no visual stimulus.

They can say I love reading all they want but most of the time, it comes with bells and whistles attached. It always does. I've been writing since I was a kid. Since I was in the fourth grade honestly and the only time my writing has been genuinely enjoyed or appreciated by others was back then writing horror stories for school assignments having classmates pass it around and point out what part they liked and say why.

It wasn't a matter of the stories being good or more fun to write than what I write now. I always enjoy myself writing. No it wad.the fact that I had an audience that took my art for what it was. When they passed it around there weren't comments like oh this would ve so cool to seen drawn our, animated, or dramatically read aloud. It was just taking for the art form it was.

I went to an arts high school the only schools in the city I grew up in while I was a kid were technical high schools. If you wanted to go to a school and you were born in the city and didn't magically spawn into existence at high school age well fuck you- You've now got to lie about your address and go to a charter school a town over and hope they don't find out or the staff was cool about it.

All the high schools were mostly for people who lived outside of the city and wanted a place that looked good on college applications. My first choice wasn't an art school either. I put writing to the side going into high school. I actually went through the entrance exam of a technical high school with a focus on robotics because I had an interest in robotics with a focus on its medical applications. But through multiple things out of my control I ended up in an arts high-school going to three selerate high schools throughout my high school years and graduation from this one.

I majored in graphic design there a subsection of the visual arts department. That consisted of traditional arts, radio and television, and graphic design. I learned later that they had a writing program there was a journalism major but ya know that's nit art anymore so by the tine I got there guess where that was exactly where traditional art is now it was cut. The only remnant of a writing program being the radio and television major, the main focus of the major was mostly on directing and editing but it went over script writing as well.

Where'd traditional art go probably integrated into the graphic design major given how tech heavy making art is now a days. They deemed it too old-fashioned, and by the time my junior graduated, our art teacher (the only one who hadn't quitl was teaching history. The majors were pretty conjoined anyway graphic design majors did have traditional art classes as well. Not many took it seriously to some graphic design majors tradition art was very much beneath them and they didn't want to be lumped into the same department as those weird traditional artists with their comics and manga scripts. The major was underfunded and you were expected to buy your own supplies to build a portfolio and restock on them when needed.

There wasn't paint or easels or all that good stuff one year an old hot glue gun literally caught the classroom on fire and we had to do art classes from the science room for two months. While also fundraising fir repairs to the art room. You'd think students that at the bottom of the barrel would probably have more respect for overlooked art forms. But not really I wrote rough drafts of novels in high school and when speaking about without fail,

"Huh you think someone's actually going to read all that in this age comics and manga are the onky things that can sell."

This was in 2010. I honestly don't expect anyone to read all this. Because I haven't put in some large words, or pictures or made an obligatory meme like

Art school students be like

Can another person even imagine the hoops I have to jump through to keep writing engaging for an audience- Oh wait you don't have to you can literally see the evolution of it through the posts I made here. Every time I mention writing their are so many people who either draw or don't who will say things like that'd be cool to see drawn or in any other medium than the one you're doing it in. That doesn't seem like a love of storytelling to me. That doesn't seem like an appreciation of writing to me.

I've entered writing competitions the first step explain all this in threw sentences, one, if you had to describe it in three words what would they be, alright give me the elevator pitch. Make it shorter, so I know if it's worth reading, we have a lot of applicants if the description isn't engaging enough I'll just skim it write some feedback and move on, if you can't even do this much are you even a writer. To even get a book selling we writers basically have to be social media influencers or their own marketing team now a days.

The people judging writing don't even seem to enjoy reading. I make the fact that I don't like drawing in any capacity it doesn't fill me with enjoyment very clear. I would shout from the tables rooftop with the largest megaphone,

"I HATE DRAWING I DON'T WANT TO DO IT EVER IT FILLS ME WITH NO JOY I THINK DOING IT SUCKS!"

If could so tell me why someone despite me telling them this upon seeing my ocgram went,

"I know you don't like drawing but minigrams for this would be so cool."

This was someone who actually enjoys drawing by the way. Like, man, I wonder what would make that possible outside of suggesting I pick up a pen and do something you admit to knowing I don't like. You think I haven't heard this before- you think I haven't been told a billion times that my art form would be better if it just wasn't my art form. If I just phrased things a little better or coddled readers more. You think this feedback is unique this is a Tuesday for me. You wouldn't tell a visual artist they should open up word and write a summary on every piece they draw to go alongside it. Hell, most don't even put image description for the visually impaired to make it accessible when they post their art most of the time but others do it for them.

That's the difference in expectation between writers and visual artists that's the gap. If a writer wants to write they're told to draw if an artist wants to dabble in writing, though they're so cool actually and can do no wrong it's just for fun and the arts great as usual. Because writing is just appetizers that people pretend in the entree now. No one even cares to talk about the plot of anything.

It's not like writing matters, and if it goes against viewers' expectations, they're more likely to dismiss it and say it was written wrong. That's how little value it holds to the modern consumer, and I have every right to be pissed about it. Because it's fucking annoying.

[gracexthoughts]

of violent delights chapter 3

a tea party

31 October 1995- 15 years after the sacrifice of James and Lily Potter 

Euphemia's POV

The first two months of term have passed mostly with ease. My schedule has been packed with classes, Quidditch practices and the dreaded prefect rounds. Riddle and I perform our rounds as quickly and with as little communication as possible. Since our argument the first night, we barely speak to each other. Riddle seems to be saving his antagonism for outside of prefect duties, preferring to make snide comments in the halls and classrooms rather than while on duty. 

Quidditch has been another trial all together. It's our captain's, Oliver Wood, last year and he is desperate to win the Quidditch cup. We are playing the first match of the year next weekend against Slytherin, our biggest rival, and if we don't win I fear Oliver may never recover. He's had us on the most rigorous training regime for the last month and I wake up most mornings more sore than ever. 

Today, however, the castle is serene and calm as most of the student body is off in Hogsmeade and celebrating the holiday. Harry has been despondent most of the day. Since Uncle Vernon neglected to sign the permission slip for Harry before we blew up Aunt Marge and ran away, he has to stay in the castle while all his friends are out shopping and having a great Halloween. I offered to sign it myself but according to McGonagall I am "not yet Harry's guardian" and therefore ineligible. I tried the "I have been taking care of him more than out Aunt and Uncle ever have" approach but she wouldn't hear it since I'm not even 18 yet. So Harry is stuck at Hogwarts. 

Hoping to make Harry feel better, I stayed in the castle with him; although, I know studying in the library on a Saturday really was the last thing he wanted to do. I watch him as he sits across from me, his divination textbook open but untouched in front of him. "Hey, you know what? Screw studying. Lets go grab our brooms and run some drills outside on the pitch," I say, closing the textbook in front of me. Harry turns his gaze from staring out the window to me, slightly more interested than before. 

"Really? I thought you have an essay to finish," he says, skeptically. 

I shrug, pushing books into my bag and standing. "Its not due for a few more days. Besides, we have to crush Slytherin next weekend, don't we?" I ask, walking backwards away from the table, my best mischievous smirk on my face. "Come on! Chop chop!" Harry smiles and stands, pushing is books sloppily into his bag and following me out the door, both of us laughing. As we walk through the halls, Harry and I talk about Quidditch and what drills he wants to run until a voice calls out, "Harry? Euphemia?" I take a few steps back to see Professor Lupin walking through his classroom towards us. "What are the two of you up to? No Hogsmeade today?"

"No sir, we're just leaving the library," I say casually, assuming a teacher would try to stop us going to the pitch without supervision. Harry's expression sours again and he looks down at his feet. 

"Ah, well why don't you come in? Harry, I've just gotten a grindylow for next lesson," Lupin says kindly, stepping back and walking through the classroom towards his office at the back of the room. 

"A what?" Harry questions, following Lupin, his interest in Defense Against the Dark Arts distracting him momentarily. I set my bag on one of the desks and follow after them. 

"It's a water demon," I say, "There's some in the Black Lake, isn't there?" I ask as Harry eyes the horned, green creature contained in a tank in the corner. 

"Quite possible, although I had this one shipped in. You learned about them already?" I nod. 

"Yeah, we did those third year as well. Although Professor Quirrell didn't actually bring one in," I chuckle. 

"Would you two like a cup of tea?" Lupin asks, as he looks around, presumably for a kettle. 

"Sure." 

"All right," Harry and I speak at the same time. He looks at me, wondering how long I think this will take and I shrug. We can go to the pitch later still. Harry and I take a seat at the chairs Lupin has across from his desk as Lupin taps his wand on the kettle, filling it instantly with hot water. 

"I only have tea bags currently, although I daresay you're quite tired of tea leaves," Lupin says, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes, eliciting a smile from me as he hands me a chipped tea cup. 

"How'd you know about that?" Harry asks, taking his own cup from the professor. 

"Professor McGonagall told me. Are you concerned about it?" 

"No," Harry responds quickly, telling me he's lying.  "Professor, can I ask you something?" 

"Of course, you can ask me anything," Lupin says, sitting in his desk chair. 

I watch Harry as he considered Lupin for a moment before speaking up, "Why did you stop me from facing the bogart?" Harry had told me about that first Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson, where a bogart had turned into a dementor in front of Harry, but I hadn't realized it had been bothering him so much. 

Lupin raises his eyebrows, leaning forward on his desk. "Well, I would have assumed that obvious; I assumed it would take the shape of Lord Voldemort." I watch Lupin, surprised not really by his answer but that he actually said Voldemort's name. Almost no one dared to say his name, even 15 years after his death. It was always "You Know Who" and "He Who Must Not Be Named." 

"Well, I guess I thought of him first but, then I remembered the train and I..." Harry sets his tea down on the desk, watching it as if he fears its going to run away. 

"I'm impressed, Harry. That suggests that what you fear the most is fear itself. Quiet wise of you." I smile at Harry who looks quite stunned by the professor's comments. 

"I-is it normal? For people to faint?" Harry asks hesitantly, glancing at me, "Or to... hear things?" 

"Well, dementors force us to relive our worst memories. Pain becomes their power," Lupin answers carefully. 

"We heard our mum," I say, "both of us. Just before..." Lupin studies me for a long moment, his eyes sad and heavy. 

"Mia, do you- do you remember what happened that night?" He asks very slowly, carefully. 

"No... at least, I don't know if what I remember is what happened or what my brain has made up from my dreams and from what we've been told," I shift in my seat, looking down at the cup in my hands. I've had the same nightmare for as long as I can remember, being woken up and taken into a nursey. Placed in the crib with a baby with dark hair and green eyes, our mum looking down at us, and then screaming as a green light covers everything. "Godric, I just realized today is the anniversary," I blurt out, feeling guilty for not remembering sooner. My fingers find the ring on my left pointer finger, twisting it around with my thumb. The ring was left with us when we were given to out Aunt and Uncle, along with a wristwatch and a letter to the Dursleys. Harry and I always assumed they had belonged to our parents but we've never known for sure. The office is silent for a heavy moment and I start to fear that I said too much, admitted too much to this near stranger.

"You know, the very first time I saw the two of you, I recognized you immediately. Not by your scars. You are the near spitting image of your parents, the pair of you. And you both have Lily's eyes." Harry's and my heads both shoot up at the man. People often spoke of our parents, how brave they were and how wonderful their sacrifice was but very few ever really claim to have known them. "Yes. Oh yes, I knew your parents," Lupin speaks gravely, a strange pain and mourning in his voice, "Your mother was there for me at a time no one else was. She was  a singularly gifted witch, and always unfailingly kind. She could often see the beauty in others even when they could not see it themselves. James, your father on the other hand, he had a certain talent for trouble, we'll say," Lupin chuckles slightly, mindlessly tracing one of the scars on his hand. 

"Yeah, I've heard that about him," I chuckle. 

"Rumor has it he passed that particular talent onto both of you," which causes all of us to laugh, "You're more alike them than you know, and that is a very good thing," Lupin says, gently, a small but warm smile on his face. Harry opens his mouth to say something but before he can there is a knock at the door. "Come in," Lupin calls. Snape steps into the room carrying a goblet of something that is smoking, and narrows his eyes at Harry and I. 

"We'll leave you, professors. Thank you for the tea," I say, setting my cup down and pulling Harry up. Lupin smiles at us before we leave. Snape follows us to the door, closing it sharply behind us. Once we are back in the hallway, I look at Harry with a mischievous smirk. "Race you to the pitch?" 

"You're on!" 

✦                                                                              ✦                                                                                                     ✦

 "Its going to be great! We picked up some Butterbeer and Firewhiskey today and some Ravenclaw is going to DJ!" Fred says, rapid fire catching me up on the plans for the party tonight. Fred and George like to fancy themselves the party planners for the school and always, always throw a party on Halloween. 

"Freddie, that sounds great," I chuckle, as we walk back from the Halloween feast to the Gryffindor Dorms. 

"Party of a lifetime, Mia," Fred chuckles, throwing his arm around my shoulders and pulling him into me, causing me to laugh. 

"Oh I have no doubt," I chuckle as we round the corner to the entrance to Gryffindor Tower. Fred and I slow our pace, eyes falling on a crowd gathered around the entrance. "The hell?" 

"Mate, what's going on?" Fred asks Oliver who is standing towards the back of the pack. Oliver shrugs, trying to look through the crowd. I untangle myself from Fred and push my way through the crowd, towards the front. Finally I step to the front and my blood runs cold. The portrait where The Fat Lady normally presides over the entrance to Gryffindor Common Rooms is completely shredded. The magic portrait is still for the first time that I've ever seen, leaving the dorm inaccessible. I step towards the portrait, examining the tears in the canvas, trying to figure out what could have done this. Did a creature get into the castle? It's certainly not the first time something has gotten in where they shouldn't be. But there is no damage anywhere else. When a troll was let into the castle a few years ago it destroyed nearly everything it encountered.  A realization hits me and my stomach twists. I turn sharply, startling the students behind me. "Go find Dumbledore," I say to a younger student before I push my way back through the crowd. 

"Mia! What's going on?" George asks, having joined Fred and Oliver at the back of the group along with Alicia, Angelina, and Lee. 

"Someone attacked the Fat Lady. Have you seen Harry?" I ask quickly, scanning the corridor for my brother.

"What? Who would do that?" Angelina says, craning to look around the crowd. 

"I have to find Harry," I say starting to move down the hall before a hand wraps around my arm pulling me back. 

"Mia, slow down. What's going on? Why do you need Harry?" Fred says, holding me to prevent me from leaving on my own. 

"I don't know but something is in the castle and they targeted the entrance to Gryffindor Tower!" I say trying to pull my arm from Fred's grasp. 

"No, if there's something in the castle, I'm not letting you go off alone. It's not safe." 

"Fred, stop! I need to find him," I say, getting frustrated. I finally pull myself from Fred grasp and turn to see Harry, Ron and Hermione walking towards us down the corridor. "Harry!" I yell, rushing towards him, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he says, clearly weirded out by my concern.

"Mia, what's going on?" Hermione asks, eyeing the crowd in the corridor. 

"Nothing good," I mutter. Just then, Dumbledore appears followed by Lupin, McGonagall and Snape and Flitch, the crowd parting around them. 

"Oh my," Hermione mutters behind me as the portrait comes into view. 

"Mr. Flitch, round up the ghosts and start searching all the paintings for the Fat Lady," Dumbledore orders. 

"Oh you could try!" Cackles Peeves, the pranking poltergeist, from above; looking very pleased with the chaos below him. 

"What do you mean?" Dumbledore asks calmly, almost daring the ghost to taunt him. 

"She's a horrible mess, you see.  Running around on the third floor blubbering horribly," Peeves says, his voice oily in the absence of his cackle. 

"Did she say who is to blame?" 

"Oh yes, Sirius Black. Nasty temper on that one, Professorship." 

Harry and I exchange a tense look and a ripple of fear passes through the rest of the crowd. Maybe Mr. Weasley was right after all...

A/N: These scenes are kind of a mix of what happened in the book and the movie but I hope it still makes sense. I really wanted to have the moment talking about James and Lily from the movie as its always been one of my favorites so I hope I did it justice. Also, I just couldn't cut out Peeves. 

[majintails]

1 YEAR

Although I didn't start using this blog as a kin blog until later in the month, on this day (July 16) exactly one year has passed since I discovered I'm Fictionkin! You all are very kind and welcoming people and I was in for a pleasant surprise when I joined this community.

In fact, the whole revelation was a bit of a shock - you'd be surprised the me from 2020-2022, maybe even earlier 2023 is the same person as me from July 16, 2023 onward. It's something I would not of even considered at that time let alone viewed myself as, but in doing so, I have opened myself up to new things and experiences, reconsidered things, and improved my life in ways even past this identity - I'm even a nicer person for it now (though still have some ways to go obviously). It actually triggered a broader spiritual awakening since I'm spiritual fictionkin and for the longest time I've been rather materialistic, with changes in this regard only coming very slowly in the earlier parts of the 2020s and honestly not a substantial change.

Funny thing is that in Early 2021, I did discover two Systems on DeviantArt. Said systems recently joined the site and they were actually posting art of what they looked like insys, and they were fictives / mobians. I only vaguely understood it ("So...they ARE that thing?" - me prolly, 2021) but my reaction was without hostility; it was actually intrigue and acceptance, despite the fact I was trying to act like kind of a hard ass back then for no reason other then I thought it made me look cool when in reality it was just obnoxious and also because I had the wrong takeaway / idea from a former friend group. Stumbling across those Systems did make me research into these types of things and even if I didn't find what I was or should of been looking for, that itself was indeed worthwhile. Worth clarifying I didn't directly ask them anything or talk to them, and pretty much never saw anything else of this sort throughout the rest of that year.

In 2022 though it started getting interesting since I was moving away from how I was at the start of the decade and more to how I am now (the awakening essentially accelerated it / came to the natural conclusion faster). Around that time I was mainly looking for a place / community to settle on the internet and alternatives to the sites I was already using, especially for fandom spaces (my Tumblr was originally made in this capacity but it obviously was not useful under the pretenses of what I was looking for). In a few games and websites (ironically not Tumblr), I kept seeing people who were kin and stating so on their bios, using pfps, in-game avatar being their kin, so on and so fourth. Good chance a few were systems as well. Once again I had a vague understanding of it but of course didn't talk to them about it and this time didn't bother to look into it before dismissing it - both cases I had a "ah well" attitude and moved on it seems. But the term, Kin, it stuck with me. Obviously this is because...something felt familiar about it, like some part of me correlates to it.

Come 2023, I stopped seeing any of this stuff. But on July 16, a few days after my birthday, the term randomly came to my mind again. "So what DOES Kin mean anyway" I thought, so I looked it up and well...that's when it happened. It all came back to me, all the canon memories I've had since I was like 11 to 12 that I was - as mentioned before here, not really suppressing but definitely disregarding since I didn't know what it was or what to do, or really could do anything with it (what could a like 12 Year Old do about this tbh) but it was harmless so I kept it in the back of my mind - they flooded in and I finally paid attention to them. I pretty much connected the dots immediately, and the ensuing homesickness I felt, the shock of the revelation, understanding who I was? it brought me to tears.

I didn't know what to do at first and mostly kept to myself for a few days, before joining an adult only Sonickin server. I wasn't very active there but said server is small I kind of had to be eased into it, eventually joining another, larger server and becoming much more active there. Then I started posting canon mems and my experiences on Tumblr around the end of the month. I must say, I think it happening right as I became an adult was for the best - feels more responsible that way. As mentioned before, even outside of spirituality and kinning, it made me rethink a number of things. Over time I still had to get comfortable and not be so timid and shying away from things like I was initially, but it was made evident it was a welcoming community.

And of course I saw it was of no harm and that I'd be accepted, which was...well, that was probably the main thing I was worried about. But obviously there was nothing to worry about, and I'm glad I gave it a chance. Some of the best people I've met on the internet have been through here. Ever since 2018, I didn't feel like myself if that makes any sense, like I was just there and happened to exist with no sense of identity or self whatsoever, and when this awakening occurred, I gained it back. In a way I felt whole again.

If anyone is wondering, yes I'm still doing those two ROM Hacks about my Tails canon though as of late I've been kind of a lazy bum regarding them specifically and also recently I've been occupied with yet another, similar thing about said canon (I'll get back on this later). At this point I should probably enter the next stage of those hacks though, there's not much left to do with regards to the side of things I've clearly just been dragging my feet on and stalling.

Thank you all for reading and for the wonderful time I've had this past year with everyone!

[postcreditscene]

Summer Post-Depression

It’s remarkably lonely coming out of such a crushing depression. Especially on the brink of change like this. Leaving the blanket of suicidal thoughts and the pillows of my prolonged girlhood is utterly terrifying. I, a girl who honestly did not plan to make it past the notable yet small age of thirteen, now have to pick universities, do my a-levels, wait patiently for exam results to know if my school will let me keep studying with them. My whole life is a painful and dreadful limbo now.

Summer holidays are always an end of an era in my life as my fall forsaken birthday comes closer yet again. This summer is decidedly my last as a girl and my first as a woman. Why? Because I finally don’t want to kill myself so badly that I need to make something of myself instead of just making sure the self survived. It clearly did as this is not a post mortem (although I may do one on my birthday, for the girl that will surely wither away for my more adult self). The past six months have been full of this, cramming the half of my classes I missed between gym sessions and fucking valorant matches has kept my mind occupied. Until now. Now I am sitting in the polish countryside, typing this on a sun warmed chair swing enjoying the last hours of silence before my aunt, her ape-ish husband and their rotund son come back. Nothing against my art of course, and every day I wonder what she did so wrong to be cursed with sons instead of daughters.

Either way, the peace will be over within the hour as my mother and her new boyfriend come back from their run. I’ve never met a man more loudly and confidently stupid. He is obtrusive. That is the only way I can describe him without being downright nasty and I’m really trying to stop doing that. Sadly after this holiday ad the following one in Paris with my father and his empty headed racist bimbo small-minded small-chested rotten in the soul wife I will be forced to live with my mother and her boyfriend in some sad new build house with his untrained poorly vaccinated dog and the fucking outdoor cat that I will be undoubtedly violently allergic to. Maybe I am a bit of a mean person. For context, my father’s wife forced me out of my own house (after having plunged me into living with her for a year, the attempts made during that year and the memories from that time are long forgotten) and my mother acts like a complete fucking retard as soon as her boyfriend is involved (for example, forgetting I exist, fucking off for two weeks at a time after my beloved childhood dog passed away, and most insultingly letting him call me ‘scary’). I had planned for this blog to be profound and not just a rant.

Circling back to the end of my girlhood and my subsequent rebirth as a woman (or just a teenage girl, god knows what kind of metamorphosis I will commit to). To simplify the goals of this transformation for myself, I’ve made a simply list.

• Get a boyfriend

• Go to school for at least 4/5 days of the week (I only did one full week of school last year about halfway through the spring)

• Fuck previously stated boyfriend (I might be scared of sex but I’ll totally get over that if he’s hot enough)

• Maybe get a girlfriend instead because dick is gross

• Go to the gym three times a week at least

• Plot some kind of cosmic level revenge on my sister who went fucking crazy and refused to do my hair before my school dance.

A very achievable list of goals for the summer and the following year of my life.

Back to the summer. I’m attending a wedding where there is apparently a very rich young man a year or two older than me that’s just finished studying at a boarding school in Switzerland who I’m supposed to be meeting. And he’s supposed to be handsome on top of that. What a catch (I’ll update you to weather he’s actually handsome or not). Perhaps a decent candidate to lose my ‘hold hands romantically’ virginity to. It is very hard being old and an ex-ugly still kind of strange neurodivergent woman. And now I sound like a social justice warrior.

Anyways, unbothered silence is over as is my writing session this fine morning. So I hope this serves as a half- decent introduction to my summer and my blog. Sorry that this is all over the place, I’m not good with introductions.

[attic-zine]

on jeff buckley and music

an interview with jomana

On a particularly chilly evening in the early fall of 2022, I heard my dad blasting a concert from the living room. Curious to know who he was listening to, I walked into my living room and stood by the TV as a guy wearing a light blue blouse and a guitar around his waist was belting in a falsetto on the screen. “Have you ever heard of Jeff Buckley?” my dad asked me. His name immediately sounded familiar to me and for some reason, I remembered my dad telling me he had passed from years prior to that. I told him I hadn’t listened to him but that I knew of him. In that moment, I went back to my room and looked for him on Spotify. I then found ‘Grace’ and skimmed through the album in a haste (trust me, I’m still kicking myself for it...). Despite the quick and inattentive skimming, however, I ended up finding two songs I really liked — ‘Lover, You Should’ve Come Over’ which was the song my dad had told me was his favorite, and ‘Forget Her’, which, to my surprise, I later found out that Jeff himself had hated. I listened to these two songs on repeat during the following months of fall, but that was about it.

Then, as New Year’s Eve all of a sudden rolled around, I came across a short clip of Jeff reciting his poem ‘New Year’s Prayer’ and something happened to me... I was completely mesmerized by this poem he was reading out loud to a small audience in a coffeehouse, his choice of words and the way he carried himself all put me in a trance. My first reaction was ‘of course he wrote all of these beautiful songs...’. The following day, I was watching and reading every interview, listening to every song, and just trying to keep myself from going insane. From out of the blue, I had found the most incredibly compelling artist to ever grace the Earth. Everything he said, everything he sang, it all just made perfect sense to me. There was something so intriguing about him that stood out from the long line of masterminds behind my other favorite albums and songs. I loved how there was no filter to him, and how he would always speak his mind so eloquently. I loved the way he wrote in his journals and the way he chose to express himself through words and music. Everything about him was just so real.

I knew right from the beginning that it was more than just an obsession with a musician. Thanks to him, I was able to discover a whole different world of music. Without even realizing it, I was listening to everything with a whole new mindset. What excited me even more was that every single one of my favorite artists who I had been listening to prior to Jeff were also his favorites, or even friends of his — Nina Simone, Cocteau Twins, The Stone Roses, The Smiths, Led Zeppelin, Billie Holiday, and Björk, to name a few... This alone made me feel like I was meant to find him, to discover Jeff and his art in order to not only make better sense of myself, but also the music I was listening to. He has definitely helped me re-realize my love for music, and has inspired me immensely with my own. It was all just a matter of time.

Thanks to Jeff, I have also been lucky enough to find these beautiful people who view music the same way I do, one of them being Jomana. Because he is practically the basis of our friendship, I have decided to compose an interview in regards to Jeff and his music, to talk to her about what makes him such a special, one-of-a-kind artist, and why she is so captivated by him and his art.

I know that we could spend hours and hours talking about Jeff and music, but I want to start easy with you... What was the first song by him that you fell in love with?

It’s not really a song by him, but a song that made me realize that he was actually incredible was his cover of ‘I Know It’s Over’ since my sister was a huge fan of the Smiths, and I listened to Jeff’s cover instead of the original thinking that it was his song. But the first song by him that I loved was ‘I Want Someone Badly’. I think the reason why I loved it so much was because of how powerful his voice was. The first three seconds or so had already done it for me the first time I listened because of how incredible he sounded. It was unlike anything I’d ever heard before. I was shocked.

When it comes to Jeff’s music, what is it that resonates with you the most about it?

There’s so much I could say oh my God… But if I had to pick one thing it would probably be how authentic and real his songs feel, what with his honest lyrics and raw vocals. It’s like every song is a different emotional experience and it just makes them sooo special. Especially with some of his more quiet songs that haven’t been properly produced in a studio and all. It doesn’t feel like he’s just singing for his job, it’s so obvious how passionate he is about his music, and it sometimes almost feels like he’s singing for you, if you know what I’m trying to say… His songs feel so pure and not heavily commercialized in any sense, and I just love that so much.

What are your favorite Jeff lyrics?

That question is almost impossible to answer... But at the moment, I think my favorite lyric is “I love your voice and your dance insane” from ‘Dream Brother’ because it’s just such a beautiful way of wording what he was trying to say. I’m not sure how to explain, but he made a sentence that could’ve been so simple into something so hauntingly beautiful, especially the “dance insane” part. Also, the way he sings it in the song is beautiful and always gives me chills. My favorite Jeff lyrics are personally his most simple because they may seem super on the nose and not too deep when read, but with his delivery it gives those so-called ‘simple words’ such a unique and almost significant sound. It’s just incredible.

What is one song by Jeff you wish you could see him perform live?

Again, almost impossible to answer… But the first one that comes to mind is instantly ‘Mojo Pin’. No performance of that song is the same and he truly put so much heart and passion into every single live performance of that song. It is so beautiful and almost rewarding to hear — it actually feels like a privilege to hear and see how he makes the song truly come to life onstage. If I saw it live I genuinely think I’d pass out…

What is the most common set of emotions that you tend to feel when listening to Jeff’s music? Or is it different every time?

I’d say different every time in terms of super specific emotions that I feel, like I definitely don’t feel the same when I listen to like ‘Yard of Blonde Girls’ and ‘Lover, You Should’ve Come Over’… But I’d say that I always feel almost hypnotized by whatever song I’m listening to by him, it’s like his songs actually put me in a trance or something, and all I can focus on when I listen to them is the music. I can’t ever play his music as background noise because I’ll end up getting distracted from whatever I’m doing and I’ll just be completely focused on the music.

If you could go back in time and hear one of Jeff’s songs for the first time again, which one would you choose?

I’d say ‘So Real’. It was definitely the song that made me become super into Jeff. I had — obviously — previously realized that he was amazing through his other songs but ‘So Real’ is what made me realize that I needed to listen to ‘Grace’. It was completely unlike anything else I’d ever heard before, but not in like a weird way, more in like a “I didn’t know songs could actually be this good” way. I remember being in literal shock after I heard it. I had no clue what I was expecting but it definitely wasn’t something that incredible, and I’m so grateful that I ran out of skips that day so I had to listen to it…

If Jeff was still alive, what would you tell him if you got to meet him?

I would ramble on a lot, mostly about how incredible he is and how much his music means to me. Something specific I’d tell him is probably how impactful his music is for so many different people, all because of his vulnerability in his songs and records. I’d definitely tell him to keep being honest and real because that’s what makes people feel that strong connection to the music, and I would thank him a ton for how much his music and honesty has impacted me in so many different ways!

Finally, what is the most ideal way to listen to Jeff?

Personally, I’d say on any form of physical media — preferably vinyl because everything sounds better on vinyl — and with ‘Grace’ specifically, listening to it on vinyl with the lights off, and incense and candles lit is the most perfect way to fully experience the album in the way I believe it was intended to be listened to. Also no distractions! The music is too good and needs to be fully focused on to be truly understood and enjoyed. But honestly, anything that works is great, I mostly listen to his music on vinyl and CD, but as long as the music is being enjoyed it’s all good!

And Jomana is very much right about that last part, so don’t forget to take notes. There is nothing that could compare to the lingering scent of nag champa incense filling the room as Jeff’s fervent vocals and wailing guitar break through the smoke, causing your body, soul and mind to float into what seems like an alternate universe... To explain it in subtle terms, it is an otherwordly experience. I highly recommend!

photography by guido harari, 1995

[whatevertheweather]

Thank you @you-remind-me-of-the-babe and @aristocratic-otter for the tags!

Not to say this every time I do a tag game, but I’m super late to this party. In fact so late that I wasn’t going to do it, but then I kept thinking about it, so hi everyone, here’s a throwback to when all of you did this a million years ago.

Rules: list your top 10 most kudos’d fics on AO3, followed by your own personal top 10.

AO3 Top 10:

1. Bite Me (M; 27.6k)

2. A Restless Mind (T; 21k)

3. Keep It Down (E; 5k; co-written with @fatalfangirl)

4. The Space In Between (M; 101k)

5. Caprine Attire (T; 18.4k)

6. For The Turtles (T; 17.9k)

7. Just A Prank (T; 5k)

8. The Definition of Platonic (T; 5.7k)

9. Archery 101 (M; 13k; co-written with @you-remind-me-of-the-babe)

10. Raining Cats and Dogs (Without the Cats) - (T; 4.9k)

My my. This is all going to get rather rearranged.

My Top 10:

1. The Space In Between: Surprising absolutely no one, TSIB is still my number one favorite thing I’ve written, and it will always be terribly dear to me. I cannot overstate the impact it had on my writing and my...overall joy. I’ve made an edited and formatted version to put on my Kindle and I reread it more than I should.

2. Bite Me: Okay we can all agree on this one apparently. There are several fics I’m struggling to pick between for spots 2 through 4, but this one earns this place for the amount of fun I had writing it. And posting it. The enthusiasm it received was wonderful and it made me feel wonderful.

3. Brazen (M; 10.9k): My least popular fic! I love it so. I also understand that it’s not for everyone, and that’s valid. I have in fact had a couple moments myself of, “Wow I. I really did write that huh.” But listen, over the past few months I have consumed no less than four separate pieces of (fairly popular) fiction that have all equally inspired me to say, “Yeah that’s fucked up. Brazen really ain’t shit huh.” So. Anyway, it’s so much fun to write them being feral, an excellent pastime, can’t recommend it enough. That’s why I’m writing more of it.

4. The Smokescreen (T; 18k): Surprising absolutely everyone, myself most of all, I’m actually putting my third least popular fic in fourth place! The surprise there is that not so long ago, this was number one for my least favorite of my fics. Now, to be fair to the fic (and Selkie, who did the wonderful art and gave the prompt for CORB), my problem with it was very much me and the state of my brain when I was working on it. Point being that by the time I posted, I was so sick of writing it that I never wanted to read it again. But many months passed, and I thought, “Fine, I’ll give it a try,” and I actually didn’t hate it. In fact I liked it. In fact I’m a little proud of it. In fact I think of it semi-regularly in a fond way. (It also gets bonus points for the tag “Antagonistic Flirting,” because that is Baz at his best.)

5. A Restless Mind: This one still makes me feel soft and warm because it’s soft and warm and also the first fic I ever wrote. I have a very vivid memory of pulling my laptop out one night, opening a blank document, typing “I,” and then saying “nope, nope, can’t do it” and closing everything. Several months after that, I was still thinking about it and decided I could do it if I went with third person. And I did. And now my Ao3 word count is 280,836. Whoops.

6. For The Turtles: This one makes me soft and fuzzy in a similar but slightly different way, because it’s silly and fun and it was the first fic I ever posted. Which also means it’s the first time I ever experienced the straight shot of endorphins that comes with reading a beta’s comments of laughter and positivity in a document I was super nervous about sharing. So thank you again, Jess.

7. Caprine Attire: Again with the nostalgic and happy elements of the two fics above this. This is a sequel to For The Turtles that was never meant to exist, but it insisted on existing before I even decided to post FTF. I had a lot of fun with it, it still makes me laugh, and I remember very clearly the moment I wrote “Simon (1:12 pm): is it tyrannus basilton grimm pitch the fifth? or tyrannus the fifth basilton grimm pitch?? tyrannus five: the empire strikes backilton grimm pitch???”, cackling, and then saying, “Oh fuck, I have to post the first one now.”

8: Just A Prank: Another I had good fun with. I wrote it in a night, so it’s bite-sized and full of pranks and uni boys being stupid and also kissing. Just a good time.

9. The Definition of Platonic: Sweet, fluff, domesticity, friends-to-lovers, it’s cozy and feel-good. I depleted my stores of cutesy romantic feelings for this, but they’re refilled now, so all is well and I can reread it without huffing.

10. Raining Cats and Dogs (Without the Cats): Again, I just had a lot of fun writing this, and it’s nice and sweet and carries a lot of fond memories for me of my dog and rain and all that good stuff. Also I will always stan liar!Simon.

Please note that the exclusion of co-written fics is not a reflection of my affection for them, but is rather, of course, for the fact that I didn’t write them alone <3

I’m pretty sure literally everyone has done this by now, but I don’t know who for sure so I’m tossing out some tags for @artsyunderstudy @martsonmars @bookish-bogwitch @urban-sith anyway and seeing what bites.

[astrabear]

15 questions, 15 tags

tagged by @ongreenergrasses. Not gonna tag 15 people, that's like 30% of all the people I follow.

Are you named after anyone? I have the name that my mother would have had, if my grandmother hadn't changed her mind at the last minute and given her a popular name instead. My mother always resented being one of many [name]s in her classes at school and was determined that if she had a daughter, she'd use this name.

When was the last time you cried? Man, I don't fuckin know. My dad died a year and a half ago, my stepfather died a few months ago, I've been unemployed and looking for work since December (just accepted an offer the other day, so that's cool), I visit my mom regularly and she's having a really hard time, and there was an ice storm a couple of weeks ago that left us without power for 36 hours and brought up a bunch of trauma from a debilitating storm two years ago. Also I have depression and anxiety. I can't be bothered to keep track of when or how often I cry, is what I'm saying. Sometime in the past week, probably.

Do you have kids? nope

Do you use sarcasm a lot? When joking with my roommate, yes. As part of general communication, I use it but I think not a lot?

What's the first thing you notice about people? Doesn't this depend on what's noticeable? Like if someone has blue hair, I'm gonna notice the blue hair first. Anything that stands out or seems unexpected - unusual hair color, tattoos, certain hair styles, size/height/other features that are at either end of the bell curve, dramatic clothes or accessories.

What's your eye color? Dark brown

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings, definitely.

Any special talents? I notice and remember stuff about people, and I connect pieces of information. Someone once described it as my superpower. This makes me very good at giving gifts. Sometimes I have to keep it to myself in order to not sound creepy (because people aren't necessarily prepared for you to remember something they said in passing a year ago, and then connect it to something that someone else mentioned last week, and use that to infer something they had not yet told you.) I'm also bizarrely good at finding specific Old Guard fanfics.

Where were you born? Houston, Texas

What are your hobbies? I have had so many hobbies that I no longer currently practice. I want to get back into cooking and baking (as hobbies rather than just necessity). I write. I play the Sims. For a while I was using the Sims to make fanvids, but that's fallen away as the writing has picked up. I'd like to start drawing again. It's going to take some time to get back in shape enough to do it, but I'd love to one day take up weightlifting again.

Do you have any pets? I have two cats, Truffle and Tristan. They will be turning 4 in a couple of months. I adopted them in 2019 and I can't imagine getting through lockdown without them. I made up these song lyrics about them, back when "Bad Guy" was still a thing: So he's a buff guy Not got lots of fluff guy Likes to play real rough guy Tail always so puffed guy She's that smart type Take my things apart type Face a work of art type Got a loving heart type They are good cats Duh

What sports do you play/have you played? None. The only physical endeavor that I've ever been serious about was weightlifting, but never competitively.

How tall are you? 5'3, 160cm. I'm basically a hobbit.

Favorite subject in school? In high school, English. In college, probably history.

Dream job? Alas, there is no job out there that would include doing complex work in spreadsheets and databases, and coaching/mentoring other people, and doing some kind of problem solving/information and referral work that gives people immediate assistance. When I did social service type jobs, I felt like I wasn't getting enough mental stimulation, and now that I'm working more analytical jobs I miss the satisfaction of helping people. Oh well.

Like I said, I'm not going to tag 15 people. But I will tag @lazaefair, because you're my most recent follow so I know you the least well.

For cat pics, see below

Truffle, my perfect angel baby:

And Tristan, my little goblin boy:

[leam1983]

Here's what I allow myself to use AI for, and what I don't...

What I Do:

Make a first pass at a new topic, aware that I'll need to fine-comb ChatGPT's output with actual research of my own. I don't need to be too focused on this, inaccuracies will surface on their own with the human-focused second and third passes. The actual use of the first pass is to provide me with a synthesis that makes it easier for me to unpack and assimilate, even if correction is required.

Test out speech patterns for new characters for D&D campaigns, fanfics or personal works of fiction. I've found that if a bot can maintain a character's "color" for a few screens' length, then I'm on to something.

Test out visual designs. Not being a visual person, I have a hard time synthesizing things like character appearances in descriptive text blocks. Starting with AI imagery of something I've prompted makes it easier to find design elements that work well enough for me.

Personal-use world-building. I've dabbled with Suno to generate theme songs or lead-in tracks for characters and situations, with lyrics of my own. Having always had trouble with metrics, I know I've got it right if the song feels like it fits the character, and if the song's lyrics fit the BPM and pacing. I then listen to some of these tracks while writing segments that correspond to specific moods or situations.

Prototyping designs at work. Professionally, I'm a Sysadmin for a small Automotive Marketing company. As we're tiny, everyone knows everyone else, and we're free to pitch in ideas with other departments. I've sometimes used Midjourney to use a client's hazy description for a Web page design and flesh it out into something more cogent I can append to any meeting notes with our actual Web Designers. The idea is Midjourney's render serves as a kind of loose first pass, and the Graphic Design guys can do whatever they want with it. Typically, the only things left of the AI render by the end of the process are some colour swatch suggestions.

Figure out code I didn't write. Our Call Manager was written by a different team that's long since disbanded, and they left us without archived copies of their work. Being under pressure at the time, I used ChatGPT to figure out the Call Manager's code faster than I would have if I'd given myself a good month to sit down and review it line by line. The bot made plenty of mistakes in its optimization suggestions, yes, but the idea was that getting it to bring code segments under scrutiny then helps human eyes focus on the right blocks faster. A month of monastic work turned into two intensive weeks, and we were set. All more intensive customization and optimization efforts were done by hand.

What I Don't Do:

Use AI renders directly: I don't want to take our Graphic Design team out of the equation, and I appreciate having artists to commission for private pieces. I treat AI as a stepping stone to human art, not as a showpiece that should be exhibited on its own.

Use AI as an excuse to not have to issue proper attributions. Even when I give a render to our Graphic Design guys, I list any artists referenced, along with examples of their actual works that can be freely found online. Going back to traceable references is always handy for designers, seeing as it drastically cuts down on research and experimentation. If I can focus on Creative Commons material, I gladly do do.

Ignore the environmental cost of AI. We're actually on the fast track to reaching temperature increases of more than 1.5 degrees Celcius per year for the first time in recorded history, and that is possibly the saddest record we could ever set. AI in its current form is non-sustainable. The same could be said of crypto. We absolutely need a better cooling solution for our hardware that won't rely on shunting their heat someplace else. If that means rethinking the way we approach CPU and GPU designs, I'm all for it.

I, most importantly, think we can't just ban the use of AI from any particular field. The genie's out of its lamp, so to speak, and even if several countries wrote historic laws that restrict or ban the use of generative tools, there's always someone else who's going to figure out how to recompile a dataset, re-train a model and illicitly offer generative services. The tech needs to be structured so it doesn't become the sole province of scammers, bad-faith actors or get-rich-quick schemers. That implies oversight - not elimination.

Okay. It's time for an AI rant.

My nephew is 13 years old. Whenever he writes a paper for school, I check it over and fix all of his mistakes for him. He said to me, "Maybe I'll proofread your paper for you in exchange," meaning one of the scholarly articles I write for work. I said, "Cool," and gave him the file. And he said, "Well, this is full of errors! See, you always say you have a lot to correct on my stuff, and look at all the stuff you got wrong!" And I said, surprised, "What? Where?" Because I'm sure there are typos in the draft I sent him, but not, like, that many.

And then he pointed to the screen and said, "Look at all the blue and red lines you have."

And I said, "Yeah, but those are wrong. Like, those are blue and red lines I'm ignoring because the computer is wrong." And then I paused and added, "You know you can't proofread a paper by just looking at the red and blue lines, right?" And he gave me the blankest look, because that clearly is EXACTLY what he thinks. And it became even clearer suddenly why, whenever I correct something on his paper, his immediate reaction is, "It didn't have a blue or red line."

There's a very good reason for that: THAT'S BECAUSE THE COMPUTER ISN'T SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT IT WAS WRONG.

I am so tired of being sold the idea that computers are better than humans and so we should just outsource everything to them, which is clearly the lesson my nephew is absorbing in U.S. middle school. COMPUTERS ARE NOT BETTER THAN HUMANS. Like, maybe they are better at humans at crawling through rubble to find people trapped inside. They are also better at preserving things in a searchable format. Things like that. Very limited circumstances.

I don't want to sound alarmist but everything I hear about people using generative AI freaks me out. It's not just that I'm freaked out by people being like, "I use it to write novels!" (Although I don't see how they do, I have tried to have it write fiction for me and the output was truly terrible.) But I recognize my bias around creative writing and so no one needs to credit my views on artificial writing. But! Other things are alarming, too! "I use it to brainstorm x, y, or z." But...why? Why not just...use your own brain...to...brain...storm? The computer doesn't even have a brain to brainstorm with! And you might be like, "But it comes up with things that my brain would never think of!" So would other people! You could also brainstorm with other people! Or even through Google to see what other people have thought before you (not AI). Please don't belittle the wonder of thinking.

I just feel like the marketing around generative AI boils down to "Wouldn't it be easier not to use your own brain to think about things?" Everyone. No. It would not be. Please just trust me on this. I'm not just an old person who is out of touch with technology or something. I promise. USE YOUR BRAINS. IT WILL BE OKAY.

[yumitsukiyoru]

The Journey of a Novice Weed Grower: From Seeds to Harvest

Exploring the World of Home Cannabis Cultivation

What if I told you that it’s no longer necessary to suffer from “anxiety” or “migraines.” That you can dispense with finding innocuous emojis to help launder those quarterly $60 Venmo payments to your “friend” from college. That the days of relying on the charity of an elderly in-law undergoing cancer treatment have passed.

While the City of Fredericksburg will hold Earth Day festivities on Saturday, for many of us April 20 has always signified a different — if not wholly unrelated — holiday.

As of July 2021, the Virginia General Assembly passed into law 4.1-1101, making it legal for a person over the age of 21 to cultivate up to four marijuana plants “for personal use.”

A year later, I decided to take our fine legislators at their word.

The Journey Begins

It started with a white envelope, no larger than a business card, with the words “Banana OG” scrawled on the front in red pen. Inside were approximately 20 seeds, generously gifted by a fellow teacher at my wife’s former school.

My dad always likes to proclaim that the internet is “the seat of all knowledge,” and when it came to growing weed, he was absolutely correct. The first stop on my informational journey was r/microgrowery, a subreddit dedicated to the small-scale cultivation of cannabis. Inside the community’s sidebar, you’ll find a “beginner’s guide.”

At this point, I find it necessary to make a few disclosures. I’m not exactly a novice when it comes to growing things.

Each summer, the small strip between my driveway and fence line teems with tomatoes, peppers, and — when the pollination gods gaze favorably upon me — zucchini and other assorted squashes (including an accidental pumpkin patch whose harvest coincided nicely with this past Halloween!). My herb garden stands as a testament to the potency of Fredericksburg’s feral cat colonies as fertilizer (wish I were joking).

I largely understand sunlight, water, airflow and soil as a growing medium.

So, in March 2022, I asked myself: “How different could weed be?” The next six months would hold the answer to my folly.

The Germination Process

Back to the white envelope.

I plunked a few seeds into a mason jar filled with tap water, having first allowed the water to sit undisturbed for a day to allow any chlorine to dissipate. The idea here is to soften the seed’s outer shell to expedite the germination process.

After approximately 48 hours, I saw one of the seeds start to… do something. A taproot had emerged. From there, I followed the advice on r/microgrowery of putting the primed seed in a disposable cup with a small amount of potting soil and placing it under a cheap plant light.

These nascent stages of life took root in my wood-paneled “three-season porch,” a room so thickly layered with tobacco as to resemble the age rings of a tree trunk. It felt like the right place for the seedy task at hand.

If you glean nothing else from this column, remember this: marijuana plants have two stages.

Vegetative stage begins when seeds sprout. Fan leaves develop and the plant, well, grows. It needs at least 18 hours per day of continuous light (up to as many as 24 hours) during this stage.

Each time the plant outgrows its container, you simply transplant it to a larger one.

The second stage is flowering. This can be triggered in one of two ways. If you’re growing indoors (usually in a reflective tent with a dedicated lighting setup), you switch to a 12/12 cycle, with 12 hours of light and 12 hours of total darkness.

By contrast, I didn’t have the space to grow indoors. Actually, I’m lying. As I’m wont to do when acquiring a new hobby, I “invested,” purchasing a cheap grow tent and lighting rig off Amazon.

As I write this, the box has sat unopened for three years.

The Art of Stealth Growing

Virginia’s law states that a home grower must “ensure that no marijuana plant is visible from a public way without the use of aircraft, binoculars, or other optical aids.”

In June I parked my plant, which had grown to occupy a five-gallon planter by this point, on the concrete slab next to the shed in my backyard. The denizens of Stuart Street were none the wiser as to my operation. To be clear, it’s one plant we’re talking about here.

Like Fight Club, the first rule of growing weed is you do not talk about growing weed. Silence is theft prevention at its finest. (Side note: it also aids your cause when every adjacent neighbor is 4/20 friendly, and, in one case, doing their own parallel grow).

Your weed plant needs training to be a good girl. And she must be a girl; at the first detection of male pollen sacs — which are a bit too on the nose as a gender identifier — the plant becomes instant trash. Training can consist of tying branches down or topping, a process that involves cutting off the top of a stalk to split it into two new ones.

I knew none of this during my maiden voyage.

Instead of a sturdy, bushy, plant tailored to maximize yield, I grew a marijuana tree. Seriously, by the time the changing of the seasons triggered flowering, it stood more than three feet tall and required a creative scaffolding of string and tomato cages to prevent it from collapsing under its own weight.

The Harvest

Fast forward a few months. An early November frost has turned my plant’s fan leaves from army green to a pleasing shade of purple. It’s time to chop.

I know this because, for weeks, I’d been using a jeweler’s loupe (basically a pocket magnifying glass) to check the trichomes on my plant’s buds. Trichomes look like dew drops; they’re very pretty. During the flowering stage, they change color from clear to cloudy to amber.

Depending on the desired effect, you chop between cloudy and amber. My harvest was closer to the cloudy end of the spectrum, as I was worried about powdery mildew due to fluctuating humidity levels and figured better-safe-than-shortness-of-breath.

I’d arrayed newspaper broadsheets (and we had no shortage of it due to my employer at the time) on our picnic table and had at the ready a standard-issue pair of Fiskars scissors. A third accessory that came in handy was a pair of gardening gloves — sticky icky is a rather crude but apt description for the not-yet-finished product.

The process as I elected to go about it is referred to as a “wet trim,” since it’s done before the buds are dried. I started with the large fan leaves, placing them in a bowl as I went. If you’re into hemp products, this is the material used to make goods.

The racks of a food dehydrator work nicely for drying the buds, a process that takes anywhere from one to two weeks with a fan running constantly for ventilation. This stage and the subsequent cure took place in my home’s second novelty space, a poorly retrofitted darkroom my wife and I refer to as the “murder room.”

And let me tell you, I killed it on my first try. After curing the dried buds in Mason jars for an additional two weeks (good things come to those who wait), my first harvest came in at a whopping *redacted for legal reasons* grams.

It’s been nearly two years, and the conception and subsequent writing of this column has served to reawaken my holiday spirit.

Who knows, maybe in a damp paper towel somewhere, seeds of future inspiration lie in wait.

Happy 420.