#the fact that he will firstly blame himself and his issues...

[newergrowup]

ive always felt represented and understood in the pjo books... but that "it wasn't the marshmallows' fault i wasn't paying attention". i will actually eat glass. my guts are turning.

[painted-bees]

There's a question that has been microwaving in my brain for a very long time now, and it won't just let me be. So now I have to try and akwardly ask you about it.

For context: I have adhd and am very forgetful like Margie is. My friends and family have a tendency to take it really personally when my forgetfulness affects them. They treat it like I did it intentionally just to upset them. They're not bad people or anything they just don't seem to realize that I really don't want to forget things and cause problems and that I actually do care it's just hard to remember. None of them have Raf's personality disorder.

So the question I have is: How does Raf avoid taking it personally when Margie forgets things? Especially big things like those concert tickets, which probably cost a lot of money to purchase and a long drive to the venue? Wouldn't his paranoia make him more prone than anyone to assume that her forgetfulness is a deliberate action against him? He handles it better than anyone I know and I want to know his secret!

Aw. Firstly, I am sorry that this is the case between you and your loved ones. I understand how it feels to be punished for something that already punishes you enough, and the lack of understanding or empathy towards the fact that the person who suffers from your forgetfulness--more than anyone else--is you. I hope that understanding arrives to them someday soon and that they learn to exercise patience. Being frustrated and disappointed in a situation is understandable, but accusing you of doing it on purpose and reacting under that assumption is hurtful and unhelpful. I am sorry on their behalf ;;♡

Now, to answer the question at hand! Unlike most people who don't suffer mood or personality disorders, Raf has grown acutely aware that his thoughts, assumptions, and emotional responses are disordered. He knows he has the "takes everything extremely personally, and in extremely bad faith" disorder. And he's aware that this has negatively impacted his life and ruined his relationships in the past. He finally caved to getting help for it years ago because he was tired of blaming everyone and everything but seeing no way to fix it--and thinking, hoping praying that there's gotta be a way to live better than this.

He still doubts his paranoid personality diagnosis. He's done his own research into it. It could just as well be obsessive compulsive personality disorder. It could just be his unique life situation, making him an ideal target for abuse and exploitation. It could be an assortment of things. But an important thing that he's learned--that addresses all of this--is that he can't control other people's behaviour. He can blame them for it all he wants--but the only behaviour he can control is his own. And so--he has been working really hard on that. He's changed his behaviour in a variety of ways just to see how it changes his day to day experiences--and the behaviours that have seen positive results are the behaviours he has maintained and developed further. It doesn't fix his trust issues, it doesn't dispell his suspicions... but it helps give him space and removes a lot of the surface friction in his day-to-day interactions.

One of the harder ones he has forced on himself is to counter every bad assumption in his mind with a good one. It's like pulling teeth a lot of the time. A lot of the time he doesn't want to give fuckers the benefit of the doubt--because he doesn't trust that they deserve it. But he forces himself to consider it anyway. No matter the perceived severity. Another behavioural habit he's worked hard to develop is to not act on a kneejerk reaction nor respond on an impulse. He's had to assume that his first reaction is the -wrong- reaction and to delay his anger until he has had time to appropriately process things and account for all the variables. He can be hit or miss with this... but he really tries.

And so, when it comes to Margie forgetting things, he is uniquely conditioned to discard the feeling of "you did this to me on purpose, because you wanted to take this from me, because its your way of gaining power over me" as quickly as possible--like touching a hot stove. Yeah he feels it, his brain even -begs- him to chew on it. But he's well practised at responding in contradiction to this feeling of being personally slighted. He holds onto these experiences, though, and looks for other, longer-term cues to assess whether or not someone is behaving deliberately against him. He tries to find and identify behavioural patterns in the people he interacts with. He's spent enough time around Margie to recognize and reason with himself that Margie's forgetfulness and disorganization has impacted her just as much--if not more--than it has impacted those around her. If it was really done to spite him, why would she also sabotage herself in this same manner, with things that don't matter to anyone else but her...and with such consistency?

Raf is in his head a lot of the time, and it's over things like this. Assessing other people's behaviour so that he may behave "fairly" in response. Gives him the reputation of being a very quiet, chill guy who keeps to himself and stays out of interpersonal drama haha

If he doesn't spend all his resources actively forcing himself to find neutral-to-positive reasons behind people's behaviour, he'll default to obsessively verifying for himself that they're all bad. There's not really a middle ground for him, here. It's either an active, constant effort towards one...or an easy, destructive, and isolating slide into the other.

[the-fabled-void]

What’s your opinion on Lust Sans? How do you think the creator could have handled hypersexuality better? Because honestly I don’t think it was handled very well -as a hypersexual anon myself.

What’s your opinion on Lust Sans? How do you think the creator could have handled hypersexuality better? Because honestly I don’t think it was handled very well -as a hypersexual anon myself.

I can't really say much about hypersexuality as i have no experience with it, and it's been a while since I read the Underlust comic.

One thing I have to say, I don't think NSFWShamecave probably didn't intent to portray SPECIFICALLY hypersexuality? From my understanding at least it doesn't seem like it.

Despite the way monsters behave being similar to hypersexuality, I believe the creator was trying to portray something that they believed was fictional. (The lore reason being the fact that everyone's injected with an aphrodisiac.)

And that's where a lot of the issues come from.

I will have to say, it was a genuine attempt by someone to make something with serious lore out of an AU with origins that are hard to take seriously. I would blame it on age, but I'm just gonna go on a limb and say someone with the username NSFWShamecave was at least 18 back then.

Regardless, it's not a story that's easy to tell. Even with genuine intentions, their story- you can tell it wasn't made by someone who knows their stuff.

Additionally, it seems like a kind of AU where the creator thought 'designs first, lore after'.

Which isn't a bad thing on it's own! It's interesting to already have a point in the story that the characters are at and think "okay, how did they reach it". But the creator didn't execute it well.

There's also the 'love fixes everything' vibes I remember getting with Papyton with what happened to Mettaton.

The AU itself feels kinda puritan, with Frisk needing to show the monsters true love as if they've never had it before. It feels extremely reminiscent of the internet's culture at the time, especially the Undertale fandom. I remember being very active on Wattpad at the time, and I remember on there... It was treated jokingly, but we did call anything sexual 'sin' and shamed people for being into it (12 year olds like I was SHOULDN'T be into it, but still...)

Not to mention... Chara. Obviously the character who was the fandom's genocide scapegoat, who was seem as evil back then, is gonna be made weirdly lustful. Good thing they aged them up, I'm glad this creator didn't try to dive into child hypersexuality (while it does exist, someone with those views on sexuality would not have handled that very well, and they would have received more scrutiny), but giving them the soul trait of Lust? That was probably not the best way of explaining why everyone is horny.

In short:

The main issues are that the creator was portraying a real issue bad because they didn't know it was real, and that the creator wasn't all that experienced in writing stories (and designed most characters other than Mettaton and Frisk without a story for them in mind).

As for Lust Sans himself, I didn't really answer that question specifically very well, did I?

Firstly, he suffers from what most characters in the story do.

Additionally, as a Sans, I'm gonna have to think about him in the context of the multiverse.

His portrayal is what happens when an already not too well executed idea is brought towards a bunch of kids.

Of course there were older people in the fandom, but I say the majority of us were not the intended demographic for the AU.

And kids, especially in today's day and age, are notorious for wanting to seem mature and therefore portray stuff for adults, but at the end of the day, we weren't and we couldn't.

So Lust, in especially the early fandom's eyes, was reduced to "non-consensual flirt bordering on rapist".

-

I do have my own version of the AU, slightly altered. So far it's just lore from the AU itself instead of individual characters or story. I wasn't really planning on doing much with it, and I made it before voicing my own criticism, so it doesn't really address more than the Chara sexualization. Feel free to read it if you're curious though!

[stinkysarai]

role-swapped: sokka, and either fire sibling

made an account solely for this, but i feel like sokka role swapped with either sibling (either zuko or azula) makes some sort of sense. call me crazy (if anyone is even seeing this to call me crazy at all, then hello) all you want, but i don't know, i feel like it makes sense. though to be fair, i do really um, overanalyze things and might just be making my explanation sound really ooc and weird and too 'he's me i'm giving him my issues'. not sure. just here to be overdramatic i guess. sorta relate to all three of these characters so. take my 'it makes sense!!!11111!!11!!' with a grain of salt. also scared i got the characters all wrong. so. yeah

firstly, the similarities.

sokka and zuko:

sokka and zuko are both insecure fellas who want to prove to someone that they are honorable and worthy people; zuko wants to show his father and his nation that he is a worthy prince that should return to his rightful place for the throne, and sokka wants to show his father and his tribe that he is a strong and manly warrior, that he can protect katara and the tribe. they both have something to prove, something they want to become. they are both overshadowed by their prodigious sister and they both find themselves feeling lesser by it, just in different ways. sokka doesn't feel as useful as he wants to be and zuko feels like a failure compared to azula. they both don't quite like the fact that their skills aren't the best they believe they could be. the two of them both solve an issue between themselves: sokka learns how to overcome obstacles without bending, and zuko learns how to follow his own destiny and stand up for himself. they both have lost their mother, they both have distant fathers (except hakoda isn't distant because he wants to be, nor is he abusive, but that doesn't mean he isn't distant), and these similarities made me write this whole thing. it would be interesting to see how much would change and how much would stay the same, what life would be like for zuko and what life would be like for sokka. would their personalities swap as well? sokka's would change drastically, but i think zuko's would not change extremely.

sokka and azula:

don't get me wrong, sokka is insecure and everything, but he's also much like azula, at least, in my eyes he is. azula and sokka are both crippling perfectionists, excelling at a specific thing: azula's firebending and battle (plus regular) intelligence, and sokka's skillful planning, his own battle (and regular) intelligence, and inventing. they both see their father in a bright light, they both were heavily affected by his actions and again, they both lost their mother. due to their need to succeed and win, they both become irrational and heavily emotional when they do not. sokka blames himself for the loss during the eclipse raid, and azula has a mental breakdown when she loses against katara and zuko during sozin's comet. when they've been defeated, they break down in one way or another. and back to the first sentence, azula is insecure too. she feels unlovable and has major trust issues, and more that if i said, would make this already somewhat long thing even longer.

—

now: onto what i feel like the characters would be with roles swapped. zuko role-swapped with sokka: an insecure sixteen-year-old, angsty boy with a crippling need to be useful for his family. he misses his father dearly and wishes he could have spent more time with his mother, whose face he can't even remember. he looks like a trash bender compared to his younger sister, azula, who has blue fire and a natural, raw talent. he wants to be a warrior like his father, fighting against the monstrous water tribes. he's insecure about his unimpressive bending but learns to improve his skill and find new techniques instead of letting his self-hatred get the best of him. he helps aang, the avatar, defeat the water tribes, and while on adventures with the gaang, he learns to accept himself. he becomes more than just a planning, brooding, awkward guy; instead of making himself feel worse with his less-than-average firebending skills, he focuses more on using double swords, becoming very good at it. he rarely uses his firebending because of it, realizing that he doesn't need to be a good bender to be a good fighter/warrior. sokka role-swapped with zuko: a self-hating fifteen-year-old who misses his tribe and misses his honor. he is worthless, weak, and a failure, horrible at waterbending, unlike his gifted sister, katara. his father gave his left eye frost burn, and he is partially deaf and blind on the left side of his face due to it, but he deserved it; he spoke out of line, disrespected his elder, disrespected Ice (or water) Lord Hakoda, his own dad. ever since he was twelve, he has been looking for the missing avatar to bring back to his tribe to make his father (and tribe) proud and love him again. he travels with his honorary uncle bato, who helps him eventually turn a new leaf. bato helps him learn new skills and new techniques that help him improve his waterbending quickly, being patient with him and supporting him through his darkest moments. he realizes that what he is doing is wrong and he abandons his home and his father to help aang, the avatar whom he had been hunting constantly, learn waterbending. he learns from his mistakes and successfully becomes the Ice / Water Lord, helping aang defeat his father and simultaneously helping azula defeat his maniacal sister, katara. —

sokka role-swapped with azula: either thirteen or fifteen-year-old.(katara as zuko is aged up if sokka is fifteen, sokka as azula is aged down if he is thirteen) he is an extremely impressive waterbender, gifted and prodigious, unlike his poor older sister, katara. if he wants something he gets it, and he will go at any length to win, to defeat, to conquer. he, much like his talented father, never fail, they never fail, and they never will! he doesn't need anyone's trust or love; spirits, he doesn't need anyone. sokka'll use peoples' fear of him to get whatever the hell he wants, no matter what. his mother was right; he is a monster, and he- he takes pride in it! after his so-called 'friends' betrayed him, one for looooove and the other for, well, the one in love. ((can you tell i have no clue who to make his friends? maybe suki and yue?)) he saw her once again, taunting him while he grew furious with his stupid long hair. (stupid wolftails.) he messes his hair up, messes up once again, and throws the scissors in the mirror to try and make his dead, naive, stupid mom go away. but that's not all: even though he's perfect, even though he's supposed to be, he fucks it up. his father was supposed to be the Ocean King, and sokka himself was supposed to be the new Ice/Water Lord, but of course, his stupid sister and her stupid fire-bending friend got in the way of the water tribe's supposed-to-be success and defeated him, humiliated him. and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. he breaks down, crying nonstop and feeling utterly defeated.

azula role-swapped with sokka: she's the genius. she's the one who does the planning, it's azula. not zuko with his amazing firebending, not aang with his... dumb avatar-ness, not toph with her scary earthbending; no, it's sixteen-year old ((aged up to be oldest in the gaang like sokka is, but she can still be fourteen if u want i don't know.)) azula, the bad bender. agni, she's basically a non-bender anyway, with the way her fire can barely light a torch. but her uselessness doesn't stop her from trying to be perfect, of course it doesn't! she's useful, she knows it, she just has to figure out how. she can't strive to be anything less, not when she wants to protect her brother and her friends. not when she wants to be the next chief of the fire nation when this is all over. instead of wallowing in her own self-hatred, she decides to try something new; she decides to try bows and arrows. and agni, she's good. she decides that she doesn't need to be a master bender like zuko, aang, and toph are, because she's a master in her own way and doesn't need her firebending to be useful. she can still protect her friends and brother without relying on her bending. and while azula sometimes wishes that she were as talented as zuko is with firebending, she also understands that she is just as talented as he is without firebending, but with her bow. she accepts herself and her flaws.

—

while i think zuko and sokka's role-swap would make sense and works better, i also think that azula and sokka's role-swap works too, just a little... reachy. i guess. i don't know!!!! i just. sorta been thinking about this for too long. ahaaa i don't think this is gonna be read at ALLLL so hey guys! hey fruity gang! #awesome!

might post art idk? blegh ... SORRY TO WHOEVER READS THIS LIKE THIS IS SERIOUSLY DEF OOC IDK.

[ellievickstar]

Between Two Worlds (Chapter 3) DISCONTINUED

A/N: This is a little short but there is a cute omens with Eris and Azriel in this fic so all of you can enjoy :D

Summary: What happens when your emotions consume you, when the love of two completely different people eat you alive as you are lost and trapped in the decision to choose one or the other?

Request: N/A

Pairing: Azriel x Reader, Eris Vanserra x reader

Warnings: Love Triangle, probably mentions of suicidal thoughts, not that much swearing.

Between Two Worlds / Part 2 / Part 3

~*~*~*~*~

“I need your help.”

That’s all you had to say to the High Lady, Nesta and your cousin before they all swept into your room which Helion had situated himself in, tea on the table and one question on their lips: What happened?

They were endearing like that, always ready to care for you, for some strange reason they saw you as some innocent person that they had to protect at all cost. It annoyed you most of the time, but it also made you feel loved on a very different level.

Letting out a breath, you looked at Mor, “Firstly, I am so sorry. I promise that it was not out of ill intentions or anything against you, and I don’t blame you if you choose to resent me forever for this,” And everything was out in the air, how you had been meeting Eris for centuries, how you had grown closer, how you enjoyed you time together. You sucked in a breath. Waiting for Mor to say something.

“And you’re saying that…he didn’t touch me, all this time, was because he knew that I would be in the same bout as before, but maybe even worse,” Mor repeated. You nodded, guilt seeped in as you revealed Eris’s secret, but it wasn’t right anymore, you were in love with the one person which hurt Mor so much, she nearly died. You had to explain, Eris had agreed that if you felt the need you could tell Mor what really happened from his side of the story, you hadn’t told him why you felt a strong need to. But the letter that had replied your question to explain everything to Mor only said three words: I trust you.

Mor seemed to be completely silent, Nesta looked like for once she didn’t look completely appalled at the thought of Eris, and Feyre, looked at you, it wasn’t anger or sadness, but a vague understanding. You and Eris had bonded over the fact that your fathers were both abusive assholes, she could not blame you for that.

“I…I can’t say I completely forgive Eris for what he’s done, not until he has the guts to come and tell me himself. But, I do now understand why he seemed to be conflicted about helping me. And I know that there was no guarantee that Beron would not have done much worse,” Her eyes were soft as she looks at you, “I do not blame you for falling in love. I just want you to be safe.” Closing your eyes, you sighed in relief. Reasonable. She was being reasonable.

Clearing your throat, you got everyone’s attention as you spoke, “There’s more, I’m also in love with Azriel,” That’s when the simultaneous ‘WHAT’ exploded out of everyone’s mouths. You flinched at how loud it was but smoothed your skirts as you sighed. “Yeah, this is some love triangle shit and the cauldron if screwing with me,” Feyre piped up as she asked, “Well, is there any preference?” You considered for a moment but shook your head. “When I think of Azriel I feel my heart race, I feel my skin burn, I feel free. And when I look at Eris I feel the same. They both make me feel…alive. When I think about them I don’t need to worry about closing my eyes and waking to nightmares. I feel safe, I feel free,” Feyre listened intently. Nest seemed to be deep in thought as Mor started to grin.

“How is it that you hav somehow managed to catch, not one, but TWO brooding males who both have marginal anger issues, don’t like to share, and definitely hate each other? Wow. Good for you!” Clapping her hands together, you could tell that she was plotting, and you didn’t know if you should be terrified or excited.

Soon, it was time to bid goodnight but Nesta lingered even as Feyre and Mor left. “Are you sure about this, being in a love triangle can be tricky,” It was a valid question, one you couldn’t leave unanswered. “I love them both,” You assured. But she shook her head, “That might not be enough.”

~*~*~*~*~

You received a letter the next morning from Eris, a reply to the one you had sent the night earlier after the girls left, detailing the night before without some pieces of information. The letter was, a lot longer than you had expected:

My Dearest Little Flame,

I was definitely upset when you chose to not meet me, but it is understandable since you played guest in a different court. As per usual, my father had a…tantrum, when we returned. Do not worry about me, I know you are, but don’t, I’m safe, I’m well, and I’m definitely not bleeding.

The truth is Little Flame, I missed you, dearly. Yesterday was not fair to you when I attacked your court. I cannot explain why but I need you to know that I am sorry.

On a lighter note, I do hope you decide to wear that pretty little yellow dress again, maybe you could get a red version, and if you can’t I will personally go shopping with you. May I ask, how dare you look so outrageously stunning during that meeting? Absolutely ridiculous, I demand compensation.

Perhaps you could give it to me the next time we meet.

Live Little Flame. Live today and tomorrow. Live for a future for both of us.

With much love,

Eris

You laughed as you read the last of the letter, bringing it to your chest as the words rung in your head like a broken temple bell. My Dearest little Flame. My. Thanking your lucky stars you were alone, you flushed deeply as you placed the letter down to get dressed, this time you wore loose linen pants with a longed sleeved cotton blouse, and layered it with a brown leather jacket. Practical if something happened, and easy to run in. After yesterday, anything could happen.

Greeting the rest of the inner court at the breakfast table, you giggled with Vivian as you caught up in each other’s lives. “Love, how is it that you managed to be so stunning in pants and a loose blouse? I must know!!!” Vivian squealed as she asked you rapid fire questions on how life had been going for you after Under The Mountain.

Below the table you felt someone’s foot nudge yours and as you glanced around the table confused, hazel eyes met yours, mischief shining bright in them. Oh that little- he wanted to play games? Well he better be ready to have his ass kicked.

Maneuvering your foot, you lightly nudged his foot before lifting your heel and lightly storming on his toe. The only indication of his pain was a slight ‘oomph’ that he let out. Holding in your giggle was hard, but you managed, this continued for a bit as you both exchanged light taps and smiling at each other once in a while when your legs got caught in each other occasionally. That was when Nesta, Feyre, and Rhys burst into the room.

“The wall,” Feyre breathed, “He’s bringing the wall down.”

~*~*~*~*~

Next part

A/N: I hope you guys loved it <3 Good night/day loves!!! (I know you are either reading this in class or really late a night)

taglist: @positivewitch@bubybubsters@a-frog-with-a-laptop@artof-aristocracy @azriels-mate123 @sourapplex @forsiriussake @we-were-beautiful

[cielwritings]

! Fat!Ciel Sebaciel Hcs !

my first non-request post… how do i explain this without it sounding fetishy?

i wrote this mainly because i needed reassurance on myself. this isnt a mildly chubby ciel, or a thick thighed slim waist ciel. this is a fat ciel. he has chubby cheeks, a belly, larger arms.

i just felt down and wanted to write ciel with my body. it’s okay if you envision him differently in this. i aim to comfort people with my body type. because im ciel’s height, it’s easier for me to imagine him with my body. i just wanted to comfort myself and perhaps vent a little

sorry for the long rant ^^’ i feel like i should give reason for not doing a request here. i know some people like themselves a bigger ciel as well, so…

warning: body issues

We’ll start off bold. Ciel doesn’t like how he looks. He hates it, in fact. Sebastian knows this, as you can’t hide anything from a demon.

Ciel, despite all of this, doesn’t do much about it. “It isn’t my fault I’m like this. My mother fed me too damn much.” he thinks to himself. He feels guilty blaming her the moment after.

Sebastian is gentle with the topic, unlike how he would with other masters or mistresses. Firstly, this boy is delicate. Secondly, he’s still a child. He’s one of the very few adults responsible for what influences him.

Of course, Sebastian gives healthy meals and servings. Ciel isn’t used to this. His brows used to furrow when he was given steak for dinner— he expected pasta and some other form of carb.

Picky eater, much?

Sebastian didn’t mind helping Ciel warm up to new tastes and textures. He’s had to deal with babies up until their senior years, he can handle a little boy like Ciel.

Ciel grows to not mind. He loses some weight as well, though it isn’t noticeable to him. It was around 11 pounds.

He dreads exiting his household or going to the Queen. It’s shameful for the citizens to stare at him, then wonder if he was actually the earl of the manor…

The Queen doesn’t judge. He judges. “I must look like a glutton to her. I bring shame to the Phantomhive name.”

By the end of a long day, he’s so pissed off with others, he nearly cries. He absolutely never cries. Who’s he to cry over some stupid judgement? Even if he was small, he’d be judged for being the earl. Fashion, age, hair, anything. Why was this upsetting him?

Sebastian was quite surprised when he entered Ciel’s work room to see him on the windowsill. While that’s normal, he didn’t expect his eyepatch to be off, tears in his eyes.

“So that’s why the seal was so bright today.” Sebastian thought to himself, looking at his gloved hand. He’d asked Ciel numerous times that day if anything was wrong, to which Ciel shooed him off.

He walked over to Ciel’s side. “Young master, is everything alright? The seal..”

He squints, focusing on his non-contracted eye. It was red. He refrains from sighing as he got onto one knee, eye-level with the boy.

“I will stay here until you’re alright.” he whispers, taking Ciel’s hand in his two hands. He gives it a squeeze, staring at the dimples on his knuckles adoringly.

“You’re aware I cannot lie, correct?” Sebastian spoke, watching as Ciel nervously looked his way. “What if I told you.. you’re stunning. You’re a sight for sore eyes, and that I’m so proud to be your servant.”

His hand moved some hair sticking to the boy’s wet cheek. “No matter how you look or how you are feeling, you’re my master. You will forever be the earl to the Phantomhive’s in my heart.”

[phanyu]

what are the things you like about phils creative style? and what are some things you dont?

OOOOOO cool question. i mean obviously there are more positives than negatives. firstly im just entranced by the way his mind works like hes truly always in another dimension of his own and i really admire how despite how the years have gone on and his life has changed he's remained a dreamer.

going back to some of his older fiction work like his early vids, something we all take as a given fact for phil is that he's a closed book. but i think it's so wonderful how much his early fiction speaks directly to his thoughts at the time, his ideas, his life, even some subtle messaging exploring his queerness through metaphor. he has a wonderful way of making something on the surface so so entertaining just on the surface level, until all of us 10 years later were looking back and saying damn he was actually spitting. it was such a wonderful and abstract output for someone who was so young. and it's important to note that, i know we stress this a lot, but NO ONE was making videos quite like that at the time 😭 like we really take this for granted in 2025 where everyone and there mother films themselves talking in front of their camera phone in their bedrooms but phil was a pioneer of an entire generation of youtube before this was anywhere near normal. his lack of inhibition in creation is also really moving, looking back, when he had virtually no one to pave the way for him in that regard. he made exactly what he wanted, people went fucking crazy for it, and who knows what kind of ripple effects that had over the online media landscape.

for something i dont like, i guess just the fact that he leant into it less and less? not that thats something i blame him for, i mean we had all the dnp nailed to a cross years, then the pandemic, projects of his being ruined, his health issues, the return of dnp. i know it's not in his personality type for him to do what dan did with his solo projects and say fuck it, despite it all im just gonna fucking get up there and do it, like he just doesnt have that theatre kid sort of gene, and he strikes me as the type of, while still being spontaneous, quite an enjoyer of stability. especially with how controlled his creative output and image have been over the past eighteen (oh my god) years.

a controversial take i have that i think ive given before is......... i think the timeline with the greatest creative output by phil is one where he's behind the scenes as opposed to on a screen himself. a writer, director, something like that. obviously thats not what i would ever personally want because i love seeing sweet philly on my screen, and i think it's that exact quality of his of being NOT a theatre kid/performer type that makes him so refreshing to watch and listen to. but i do think he would have been an absolute powerhouse if he had taken the track of being an Ideas Guy.

[misery-has-no-company-now]

Speaking of torturing blorbos, do have any spare angsty NY and/or Loui hc’s :3

(It’s fine if not-)

Why yes, of course I do! 

So I’ve already said that England was a bitch to New York, right? Well, so were the Netherlands. Good old Holland gave Yorkie his abandonment issues by sending him off to England when he didn’t want to “bear the burden of another overseas territory” (his words not mine, kill him not me <3) so decided to leave him with England. The Netherlands is also responsible for his daddy issues thanks to having given up New York to the English in exchange for the Island of Run in eastern Indonesia because he thought it’ll be “worth more” than New York was (true story, the Dutch gave up NY in return for an island where nutmeg could grow - because that was very rare back then apparently) which made New York think that even his father didn’t want him and would willingly give him away the moment he found a good opportunity to do so. The Netherlands is kind of like those parents who decide to have another child because they clearly don't like the one(s) they have right now.

And what does this leave Yorkie with? Why a bunch of issues, of course? *Slaps him with daddy issues + abandonment issues + attachment issues* He often used to feel very upset over the fact that his dad left him, or rather threw him away; and until he had children of his own (I headcannon the cities as either the children or the siblings of the states) and Father’s Day became a different thing and busier for him, he used to cry over the fact that he didn’t have a father since his didn’t want to keep him around and would sooner give him off to someone looking for more child soldiers to have in his army (Englanddd)

Thanks to all this he’s also always extremely scared that if he “messes up” again, then the people who he loves and cares for won’t like him anymore - and he thinks that they will then realise that he’s too much trouble for him so leave him just like the Netherlands did, or worse, hurt him like England did. He also can’t stand a loved one being mad at him for any reason at all, so this makes him a people-pleaser at times (but only to the ones he loves of course, because you know - the Northeast).

And you know how people have flight or freeze responses? Well, firstly I think he’d be a strong freeze in danger type of person; but depending on what the ‘danger’ is I also guess that he’d be the type to fawn - like you know, if the presumed ‘danger’ is something like a loved one being angry at him; in which case he just tries to appease them and often goes over the top in trying to make them happy again, even if they weren’t that mad in the first place. 

And now, for Loui. Oh Loui. Pauvre ti bête, sha. So while it is true that he does see spirits a lot, he is sometimes unable to see if he is imagining/hallucinating them or if they’re actually real, so he’ll hurt himself in some way to try and see which it is. He uses pain to ground himself, kind of like an unhealthy coping mechanism. Often he takes this to extremes and this results in a lot of bleeding wounds, some which cut deep. Trimming his fingernails and keeping him away from sharp objects and all doesn’t really help because sometimes when he gets too emotional, his magic works on its own and hurts him resulting in injuries he cannot heal properly. 

He also feels guilty very easily, even for things which are not necessarily his fault (like if his people did something terrible that he had no say in, he’d still feel like he was to blame for it because it was his people doing it in the first place) despite all the time he spends playing pranks with Florida. Sometimes he picks on these old wounds of his as a ‘reminder’ to himself of what happens when he does something wrong, or just to punish himself without adding further injuries that could hurt other people. 

*slams him with alcoholism as a coping mechanism* (and once again, it’s unhealthy, of course)

He often feels bad about using his magic, especially since Mass and Maine don’t anymore because of the Witch Trials that happened. He saw Mass get persecuted in one of those (and take the brunt of his accidental use of magic in public) once and he lost most of the joy he used to feel in performing magic. He beats himself up over Mass having gotten hurt because of him too, though both Mass and Maine tell him that it’s not his fault. 

Papa France is an ass and both Maine and Maine are geographically far away, though they do often meet with each other, so he sometimes feels a bit lonely and misses talking to someone older in his family who can give him advice and all that when he needs it. But he hangs out with a lot of people so he doesn’t feel this way that much these days. However, earlier when he barely talked to anyone else, he was rather lonely. 

And this one is courtesy of France too. Loue sometimes also feels terrible for, as France claims, “butchering the French language” with his Cajun French, and these taunts of France make it hard for him to be as proud of his culture as he should be - but his friends and family are helping him work on that.

So um...I've got a lot more of these, but that's all for now because I think I should stop here. Let me know if you want more.

[ravensilversea]

But I with mournful tread

Summary: Fives comes to the sudden realization that he didn't actually survive Fox's shot, but had, in fact, time traveled about a decade into the past, and this Obi-Wan wasn't his Obi-Wan

Tags: Time Travel, Angst, Pining, One-Sided Relationship, Ambiguous/Open Ending

“You don’t remember me…?” Fives’ smile shakes, and he takes a step back. The sounds from the street roar in his ears, even though they’re halfway down an alley. He looks away, closes his eyes, and takes a few deep breaths before looking back at Obi-Wan. “You don’t remember anything?”

Obi-Wan shakes his head, and it shouldn’t hurt as much as it does. They hadn’t named their relationship- Obi-Wan had in fact asked that they not pursue any kind of relationship until after the war for a variety of reasons- but Fives had still held the possibility of serving the Republic alongside Obi-Wan close to his chest. Or at least being able to call each other ‘home’ after the war.

“I am sorry,” Obi-Wan says slowly, “but I really do think you have the wrong person or, at least, we haven’t had the chance to meet in person.” He shrugs and offers a sheepish smile that is unobscured by a beard for the first time ever for Fives. “Perhaps you’ve heard of me from someone else?”

Fives shakes his head. His back hits the wall behind him, and he slides down to the ground, his face in his hands. “Oh dear, are you alright?” A familiar grip grasps his shoulders, and Fives can’t help but take his hand and hold the back of Obi-Wan’s.

He frowns, looks up, and stares at Obi-Wan’s hand. Running his thumb over the smooth skin, Fives whispers, “How the hell?”

“Something wrong?”

Besides the fact I’m not dead and my not-partner doesn’t seem to know me? Fives wants to say, but he restrains himself. It’s unlikely to be Obi-Wan’s fault this is happening, especially since… “You had a scar on this hand,” he looks directly into Obi-Wan’s eyes, and the sinking feeling in his gut increases when he finally notices the lack of smile lines at the corners. “I know you did. It needed stitches, which the medics threw the biggest bitch fit over because everything was wet and muddy-“ Fives can’t help but smile at the memory- “and you popped the stitches at least twice during the campaign.”

Obi-Wan’s brow furrows more and more with every word Fives says. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly, “but I haven’t been in a war zone like that in years.”

“I’m not crazy.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

Obi-Wan, kindly, lets Fives put his thoughts in order in silence. Firstly, Fives should be dead. He definitely remembers Fox shooting him and everything going painfully dark. Secondly, Obi-Wan is missing scars, wrinkles, a beard, and- Fives ducks his head to look up into Obi-Wan’s hood- most of his hair. Thirdly, he can’t deny that Coruscant just sounds different than he remembers. People are far more relaxed and casual on the street, and he passed at least one street fair full of hawking merchants and buskers. 

Fives takes a deep breath. “Obi-Wan.”

“Yes?” 

Considering Obi-Wan doesn’t seem to even know Fives’ name, he’s taking it rather well that Fives knows his and is familiar enough to use his given name. Fives takes another deep breath and shelves that issue for later. He has much, much bigger concerns at the moment.

“What year is it? And who is the Chancellor?”

Obi-Wan takes his hands off Fives’ shoulders and sits back. “969 ARR, and Chancellor Palpatine of Naboo. Why? What are you thinking?”

Well shit. “I’m thinking I’m twelve years too early,” Fives says. The words fall into the space between them like cruiser debris falling through atmosphere. Obi-Wan pulls back, and Fives immediately lets go.

However, Obi-Wan doesn’t go far- though Fives wouldn’t have blamed him if he had run straight across the planet until he was as far away from Fives as he could get. He simply settles himself against the opposite wall of the alley they’re sitting in and pulls his cloak closed over his raised knees. It’s so familiar, Fives can almost pretend they’re back on campaign somewhere and leaning against trees or rocks or makeshift shelters. The sounds of speeders and the smell of spiced food still filter through the air instead of the sounds of his brothers and the smell of bacta from the medkits.

He doesn’t dare say anything else lest he disturb the fragile peace between them.

Obi-Wan’s hands fold into his cloak sleeves instead of rubbing his chin, which is jarring. “I must say,” he says lightly. “I don’t believe I’ve heard that one before.”

Fives’ lips twitch upwards in the faintest hint of a smirk. “I do try to be creative. Helps me stand out a bit considering how many of us there are and all.” Except Obi-Wan doesn’t know how many of Fives’ brothers there are. Fives doesn’t even know how many brothers he has at the moment.

Underneath the shadow of Obi-Wan’s hood, Fives thinks he can just make out a raised eyebrow. “Sounds like you have quite a story to tell,” he simply says. There’s a slight hesitation at the end of the sentence, as if Obi-Wan wanted to say something else but decided against it.

Or simply didn’t know! Force! Fives still hasn’t introduced himself has he?

Pulling himself up onto his knees, Fives holds out a hand. “Name’s Fives,” he says after a short second of considering going by something else but he couldn’t do that. He’s just… Fives. It’s his name and the name his brothers know him by, even if they don’t know him yet.

“Obi-Wan Kenobi, but I suppose you already knew that,” Obi-Wan quips and takes his hand. His handshake is firm without being crushing, and Fives yearns for those rare moments when Obi-Wan would take his hand in private and simply hold it in that same firm hold as now.

The handshake ends far too quickly in Fives’ opinion.

Obi-Wan stands, looks down at Fives as he slowly pulls himself to his feet as well. “Do you have some place to go?” he asks. “An idea of what to do given you’re…”

“Twelve years in the past?” They share a strained smile across the alley. 

“Yes. That.”

Fives shrugs. Out of habit, he folds his arms back into parade rest. “Suppose I should change a few things. Not sure where to start though. There’s a lot of things that don’t quite make sense to me.”

Obi-Wan nods. He looks off in the direction of what Fives assumes is the Jedi Temple based on his admittedly poor understanding of Coruscant’s city planning. “You could come back to the Temple with me,” he looks back at Fives. His hood tilted back just enough for Fives to glimpse concerned blue-gray eyes shining almost crystalline in the light. “You could get some food, any medical attention you may need, a bed to sleep in…”

But Fives is already shaking his head. Whatever situation he’s found himself in this time won’t be made better by following Obi-Wan back to the Jedi Temple like a stray tookah and as lovesick as a leech. No, best to save the Jedi Temple for when he’s managed to separate the Obi-Wan he loved from the Obi-Wan in front of him now. 

“I appreciate the offer, but I think what I want most right now is a stiff drink and some time to sort out my thoughts. Unravel my time knot if you will.”

Fives tries to go for his classic lopsided smirk, but Obi-Wan doesn’t seem to buy it. It’s also painfully familiar, but equally painfully not because there’s none of the amusement he usually sees in those eyes no matter the level of concern.

He thinks he might see pity. He refuses to see it if so.

“In that case,” Obi-Wan says slowly, “I have some contacts who live close enough to here who wouldn’t mind having an extra hand or two around.” He reaches into one of the hidden pouches in his belt- the one Fives knows has several copies of his ‘Would be Happy to Help Pathetic Lifeforms’ list for just this purpose in it- and pulls out a datastick. Handing it over to Fives, who takes it almost gingerly, still unsure he really wants it, Obi-Wan suggests he try Dex’s for that drink and a bite to eat, pointing Southeast and giving some basic directions towards the diner.

Fives thinks he thanks him. Obi-Wan stands there just looking at him for a moment longer before bowing. “May the Force be with you, Fives,” he says.

“You as well, sir,” Fives says automatically.

Obi-Wan’s face furrows, visible for a moment before he pulls his hood further down. Then, he silently turns and walks away. Fives watches him go until he can no longer see the distinctive brown cloak of a Jedi in the crowds.

A sharp turn on his heel. Step off with his left foot. Data stick clenched tight by his side. A mission on his mind, and grief in his heart. Fives’ familiar with this. He knows what he has to do now.

[averyangrytissuebox]

The issues with Vecna: Eye of Ruin are foundational because they got Vecna himself wrong

If you either didn't know about this book or only vaguely looked at it because it is part of the content run that Wotc is pumping out before dnd 6e comes out soon, I can't blame you. A brief scan of *shudders* reddit shows that the it wasn't very well recieved by the die hard fans of r/dndnext and I've seen very little buzz about it in the general dnd zeitgheist. While I have lots to say about why this is probably due to lack of trust in Wotc after the OGL, official adventures being underwhelming and the community being fractured as all fuck, but I want to focus on one very specific thing to show what is wrong with the adventure: Vecna's statblock himself.

Here it is. If you downloaded the Vecna dossier a couple of years back, this will look very familiar and it isn't abundantly obvious where this goes wrong so I want to break it down.

The first is a flavour fail. Vecna in the lore is the archlich supreme, formerly a king and lich who ascended to godhood. Once considered one of the strongest liches to dwell in the Greyhawks setting, he has grown to be a scourge of the whole multiverse. An unmatched sorcerer and epic BBEG worthy foe (just ask Matt Mercer). Iconic to his appearance are four things: His eye and hand which were all that is left after he was betrayed by Kas, his right hand man. Just as synonymous to his appearance is the sword of Kas itself, the only blade capable of permanently destroying the hand and eye. Finally, Vecna created the most profane tome of them all, the book of Vile Darkness.

With all that established, there are some immediate flavour issues with this. Firstly, Vecna is not particularly intelligent as far as high level villains go. At 22, he is dumber than Auril (24), Zariel (26), Acererak (27), the demon lords and Manshoon (23), the guy who is well known for being paranoid enough that he created clones that turned on him. Notable wise guy. He isn't even the most intelligent character in his own book because Kas and Tasha are intelligence 23. Truly a bizarre decision for one of the greatest liches of all time.

Secondly, he isn't actually that good of a spellcaster. He is an innate caster and not a wizard for ease of use I assume but as far as spellcasters concern, he is lacking a lot of fire power that a CR 26 god should have. He doesn't have any 9th level spells, making him an inferior wizard to both Acererak and the humble CR 12 archmage. He doesn't have counterspell, instead having a non spell version (But I will come back to this later) and he doesn't have shield. He is not so sturdy that he shouldn't have it and there is no in lore reason why he doesn't have basic spell casting.

Finally, there is no mention of his eye or hand in the campaign itself. The blade of Kas gets an honorary "However, if the characters wish to find it and use it against the warlord, you might place the artifact somewhere in this adventure for them to find" in the introduction and can be acquired at the very end on an extremely high roll. The book of Vile Darkness is buried in his chest which is very cool though, I will admit.

The second and arguably bigger issue with the statblock is that it is bad to fight and lies to the DM because it is the wrong CR. Actual CR is calculated by averaging defensive CR (which is effective hit points and armour class) and offensive CR (damage dealt per round). So lets fact check those CRs to confirm the maths. [A quick side note before we continue, the closest approximation of Flight of the Damned is a dragon's breath weapon which assumes it hits two targets for offensive CR].

Offensive CR = 2(7+9+9) [From two attacks with afterthought] + 96 [Rotten Fate] + 10 + 10 + 10 [For all three reactions] + 10 [Vile teleport used offensively] = 186 dpr.

A very impressive but decidedly not CR 26. In fact, his offensive CR is only 23. Vecna's attack bonuses are higher than average which can increase CR by 1 but not that much. Also he never wants to cast a spell unless he has to because it is a massive damage loss on Vecna

Calculating Defensive CR is trickier. Effective health is calculated by taking his actual health 272 and multiplying it by 1.25 because he has immunities to poison and non magical bludgeoning piercing and slashing damage. Then we add 30 to that total for each legendary resistence. (272 x 1.25) + 150 = 490 which is CR 22. Averaging both of them gives you 22.5

The issue with this is twofold: It means the DM doesn't actually know how strong Vecna is and if they take it at face value, they might nerf them or pull punches when they shouldn't making the fight feel cheap. The second and much bigger one is that Vecna's defensive tools allow him to dispatch a party of spellcasters with ease because of 5 legendary resistance, impressive saves and dread counterspell which cannot be countered but he gets easily overwhelmed by any martial. This is further compounded by the fact that players win the encounter by reducing him to 50hp or less so two fairly optimised martials (e.g. took the relevant combat feat and have maxed out their main stat) can kill him on the first turn, ignoring magical weapons which this adventure has a lot of. This makes the fight swingy and not fun because the martials get to party like there is no tomorrow but if you are a full caster, you do not get to participate.

Overall, the stat block is a failure of flavour and balance, feeling like it was thrown together after the fact because they needed Vecna here. Ultimately, Vecna: Eye of Ruin is less about Vecna and more about going through the most iconic places in d&d's history to get the rod of seven parts, which is perfectly fine but then why put Vecna on the cover when he isn't even the main villain. It feels like they shoved Vecna into this book because recognisability from stranger things and Vox Machina rather than him being an integral part of the adventure and that is reflected in the stat block.

I have a lot more to say about d&d balance, official adventure design and homebrew fixes including how to make a Vecna that doesn't suck but this post is long enough as is so maybe another time

[goneseriesanalysis]

Peter Ellison

So, finally, here is my Little Pete analysis. This one was particularly hard to write because his characterisation (or should I say lack of) really really upsets me. This is now a Peter Ellison fan account because he just deserves all the love I can give him forever. That being said, I want to give a few disclaimers before I actually get into this analysis.

Firstly, I wanted to keep this analysis solely focused on Little Pete, with as little focus on other characters as possible. I’m going to be talking about the poor care that Little Pete received in this book (alongside the r-slur scene) and how this will have affected him. But, I am in no way blaming Astrid for this. Astrid was a child who loved Little Pete and who was doing her absolute best to take care of him. However, her effort does not negate the fact that Little Pete’s care was less than ideal and that this would have affected him severely. Because of this, it may seem like I’m blaming Astrid or making her out to be a bad person, but I promise I’m not. I just don’t want to be defending her every other line when I should be focusing on Little Pete. I will however be going into more detail on her side of things in a later post about their relationship.

Secondly, this analysis will not be as in-depth as my previous ones. There are two reasons for this. One being that I simply do not have the time and two being that I am not entirely sure that it is my place to do such an analysis on this character. I know that a lot of people have issues with MG’s portrayal of Little Pete and I do not want to take away from people’s concerns. That being said, I do not think that it was his intention to be ableist or to hurt anyone when he was writing this character. But intent doesn’t cancel out what he actually wrote. 

Now, onto the analysis.

Old Opinion: Honestly, I didn’t really have an opinion on Little Pete. He seemed more like a plot point to me than a character and so that’s really just how I viewed him.

New Opinion: After re-reading the first book, I unfortunately still cannot seem to care for Little Pete. I wish MG had gone into more depth and written him as an actual character. There is just so much wasted potential.

How Little Pete is Viewed by Other Characters in The Text and in The Text Itself

This is a title that I haven’t done before in any of my analyses, but I thought it was important to do this for Little Pete as a lot of the issues that people have with his character stem from how he is treated by others, and how their actions seemed to be excused by the text. This will be a much shorter analysis than any other that I have done. One because there is not as much to analyse, and two because I feel like it is not my place to do a deep dive on a character who’s experiences I do not understand.

Something that I did notice quite a lot during my re-read of Gone (and my re-read of my re-read) is that MG seems to have done a pretty good job at researching the technical aspects of autism (trigger phrases, types of therapy, possible modifications needed), but he seems to neglect the actual thoughts, feelings, and emotions of autistic people. It almost seems as if Little Pete is a walking NHS page, instead of, you know, a person. But let’s first talk about the technical aspects.

The first introduction that we get to Little Pete, is through his environment rather than through any mention or meeting of the character himself. This occurs on page 17: “But everything was put away. There was nothing out that could be broken. The tables had little plastic cushions on the corners. The electrical sockets had childproof covers. In the kitchen the knives were in a glass-front cupboard with a childproof lock on the handle. There were child proof knobs on the stove.” Now while we don’t get confirmation until a few sentences later, we can already assume that these precautions have not been made for Astrid. However, my first assumption would not be that they are for a quiet, often unresponsive child – which is who Little Pete seems to be. Rather, I would assume the opposite – that this was for an unruly and destructive child, one who likes to grab and touch and move things. Little Pete is shown to do none of those things, in fact the only time that he is seen to be destructive when using his powers, and even then, he is only destructive in very stressful situations. So, to me, it seems odd that these measures are taken for Little Pete. They don’t seem to fit with his personality at all, making it seem like this choice was made based off of stereotypes, rather than made with the character of Little Pete in mind.

This does not necessarily mean, however, that the fault is with the writing. In fact, I quite like the idea that the reason the Ellison’s are making precautions that do not seem to align with Little Pete’s needs is because they themselves are ignorant to his needs. While the plot does not allow us to see Pete’s parents interact with Little Pete, we are given the impressions that they treat him as a nuisance more than anything else and this, paired with the time within which the book is set, makes it easy for me to believe that they have little interest in their son. This impression is also given when Astrid first makes reference to Little Pete’s powers, “He seems able to do a lot of things. Mostly we’re good, the two of us. Mostly he doesn’t really notice me. But once, I was doing his therapy, working with this picture book we work on sometimes. I show him a picture and try to get him to say the word and, I don’t know, I guess I was in a bad mood that day. I guess I was too rough taking his hand and putting his finger on the picture like you’re supposed to do. He got mad. And then, I wasn’t there anymore. Once second, I was in his room, and then all of a sudden, I was in my room.” (Page 133)  

Why is Astrid doing these activities and not his parents? It seems like the parentification of Astrid began long before the FAYZ, and Little Pete’s neglect seems to be a huge part of his character. This, coupled with the fact that he himself is unable to communicate with the characters in any way that they understand, means that we unfortunately do not get as much of an in- depth characterisation as we do with others. This, of course, is something that Michael Grant had been criticised for many times. However, while it is not my place to tell people that they cannot be upset by this representation (because of course you can) I feel like I am able to bring about another perspective: that the reason Little Pete is written in this way is because this is how other characters see him. Seen as we can only see this world through their eyes, it makes sense that the impression we get of Little Pete is not one that is ideal.

Little Pete and His Importance to the Plot:

Now, to say that Little Pete is a character who is neglected so much, he is one of the main plot points within the novel. In fact, I would argue that especially in the first book, he is more plot point than actual character and here is why:

One – Little Pete is the driving force behind Sam and Astrid’s relationship, Edilio’s joining of the group and Sam and Quinn’s falling out.

Two – Little Pete is the reason that Sam won.

Three – Little Pete is the reason for the FAYZ in the first place.

If you ask me, those are three pretty major plot points that all come to be because of one character, especially a character who does not get a pov (only talking about the first book here). I’m not going into how all of these things happened due to Little Pete because that would be less and analysis of the text and more me explaining the book to you, which I am sure nobody wants. But my main point by including this section is that Little Pete is an intrinsic part of the text and so is the way he is written. If Little Pete is able to freely communicate with a people in a way that they understand then the book would have ended very differently, or maybe it would not have even started at all.

Essentially what MG has done here has used Little Pete as a structural device, giving his character the means to completely change the outcome of the story without giving him almost any say in what he does. While I understand how this can be upsetting to some people, I also think that this use of character is fascinating and adds an element of mystery to the story the likes of which I haven’t really seen before. Little Pete both controls the story and is barely present in it, and while I definitely whish that we could have learnt more about him as a person, I understand that with the way this story is written, that would have resulted in changes within the book that would have changed the story completely.

 As always thank you for reading the ramblings that I have offered up to you. I am sorry that this analysis is so short, but I felt like I just needed to say what I wanted to say and not embellish. As I said before, I feel like it is not quite my place to give my full thoughts on this character, but I hope that what I have given has been enjoyable in it’s own way.

[rcsetorn]

📧 Funky Fella in the Inbox Hours

It would have been nothing beyond an ordinary “day off,” leisurely strolling the streets of Alexandria before nightfall... however, as he rounded the corner, he was met by a familiar and ever auspicious sight. Recognizing those distinct brunette curls and, well, everything else about the lovely lady who now strode ahead of him, deep doe eyes dazzled - unrealistically so.

Lorien smiled to himself like a hopeless fool. Oh, but what could he say to her? Just another little hello? What manner of excuse did he have to catch up to her this time? He was going to have to think fast, her walk already seemed somewhat brisk. In fact, it was as if she was specifically keen on losing a pursuer… huh.

Maybe it was only his imagination. Even so, it got the better of him. Briefly, he glanced about the area to see if he could spot the possible culprit. If there was one... (He doesn’t know.)

╼ ༺ :||          Spotting that violinist along the path spurred a little detour as to avoid an irritant fawning session and ultimately spare him whatever harsh words that would eventually fall from her tongue. This wasn't an evening for sour dealings.

It was to be a night of calm solace by the docks for gentle waves against the harbor and the distinct scent of sea salt wafting through the air...

Firstly, she had to get through this patrol without hinderance. Personally seeing unto the townspeople concerning any harassment issues of outsiders was the evening's sole objective. Or rather... had been. Upon a avian whistle reverberating across decorative stonework, it was distinct enough through calculative scrutiny that her pacing slowed. And were it not for an out of season bird, she may have ran blindly into whatever trap lay ahead.

Beatrix made use of the admiring citizens spotting their famous General, smiling fondly at them with reverent bow one of her standing might offer in service- as if this was something she meant to do all along. For them, she would not give altercation. This may have been her beloved city, filled with devotees of every size and species, but with the final touching of rebuilding drawing to a close, there were still those visiting from beyond Alexandrian territory which held a more personal grudge for their destroyer kingdom. Namely its hailed champion, the merciless killer ...not that she could blame them. It was for the city's sake she not stain its reputation further with any retribution liken unto her past self would exact.

Lingering within reflection gave the golden child plenty of time to close the distance previously made.

While she wasn't entirely thrilled, no time was wasted grabbing Lorien's arm when he finally did waltz up that Beatrix promptly began dragging the musician back the way they previous came. Heel turning with retreating footfalls, the wide-eyed townspeople said nothing where they knew it was better than raise question. Thankfully, too, for a dusk painted face void of emotion refused to presently elaborate this sudden action.

Tsk.

It merely pained her to flee. But as if a gentle reminder, Save the Queen weighed heavy at her waist, begging draw.

[ultfreakme]

I feel like we're just going to fundamentally disagree on a lot of things, but there are plenty of stuff here that I agree with as well. Regardless we've both interpreted the story differently but.....I think there's some, factual errors here? I am not going to make you change your mind or anything consider this just me explaining my perspective on things.

I agree that:

Jiang Cheng was a victim of child abuse

Jiang Cheng was brought up in a manner where he was constantly told Wei Wuxian should be lower than him

Wei Wuxian was her tool for projection of her own issues with her marriage

Pretty much every single character made the system go on and did nothing to change things

But I disagree, and can kinda prove wrong a lot of things here:

JGS & WRH aren't involved in WWX's downfall Firstly, I didn't want to make it seem like they were the reason WWX suffered. I brought them and the old gen up because they ALL uphold the hierarchy. We have a very direct example of JGS messing with JC and thereby WWX actually:

Exiled Rebel Translation; Chapter 73

JGS called on this meeting for two big reasons; his hatred for WWX and to turn JC against him. At this point in time, JC doesn't know WWX's motivations because WWX hasn't been communicating with him(this SPECIFICALLY, this lack of communication, is what led to 99% of their interpersonal issues). JC also has the least amount of power during the flashbacks, and JGS is not afraid to lord that power over him. This transition neatly into the next point-

2. Jiang Cheng benefited from being a sect leader/ young master

JC during the flashbacks didn't do anything, not because he was adhering to the system, but because he genuinely had no choice. If Gusu Lan or Lanling Jin decided they were going to host the Wen remnants, no one really could've done anything but YMJ, as the main sect, was just JC & JYL as opposed to the remaining sects which had most of their members and infrastructure. Yes he had the privilege of "sect leader" and the name but it is utterly useless when even WWX himself was comparing the Lanling Jin's power-hoarding to be similar to the Wens.

JC's power was meager. More than WWX, sure, but nearly enough. The power gap here is genuinely vast considering that YMJ was annihilated. WWX acknowledged this, hence the mutually agreed defection.

3. JC did not kick WWX out, this was a mutual decision initiated by WWX

And there just is no point in the story when JC is showing off how rich he is on his own, verbally. He is wealthy after the time-skip, he can spoil Jin Ling, but there have been zero instances of him being specifically proud of his wealth? Like that's never a point that comes up. It happens with JGS and the Wen but that's about it. YMJ and Qinghe Nie are never shown to put too much emphasis on wealth.

4. Jiang Yanli sacrificed herself

She did not. She went into the battlefield to search for WWX. We never know why she did it, but her getting herself killed would've done nothing and she didn't intend to die that day.

We see that it was an accident, and the text itself says she wouldn't be able to say something like "I forgive you" or "it's okay" because it is false.

JC has every right to be mad at WWX for JYL's death because, he, unlike the reader, doesn't know what happened. Even if WWX directed WN in self-defense, it doesn't change the fact that he fucked up and killed JC's brother-in-law and his sister. WWX himself never tries to justify it. Now, were there other causes like his mental state and being shot and and the chaos of the situations making him lose control? Yes.

Does JC know this? No. Because all he knows is that WWX wants nothing to do with him, he's sided with the Wen, they've already staged a public falling-out so he can't just waltz in and ask, and the remaining cultivator sects are the ones informing him. Rgardless of this, he still maintains the right to blame WWX for it because WWX cannot dictate how anyone reacts to what are ultimately his actions. JC was under the impression that WWX was in full-control both during JZX and JYL's deaths.

Would WWX saying to, say, JYL, "I didn't meant it, I was just trying to protect myself" really make her grieve her husband less or completely absolve WWX in her eyes of any blame? Not really?

JC told him to stop the WN revival thing- WN killed JZX. Even WQ and WWX admit that there's just no excuse on this one, regardless of WWX's turmoil.

Jiang Yanli wanted to see WWX and wanted him to stop but she herself couldn't deny that WWX was to blame for her husband's death. Again this wasn't a sacrifice, no one in canon sees it as such.

Here comes my interpretation of the text now:

Comparing cultivation sects to billionaires is just, wrong tbh. I think you're taking a very western approach to all of this. Cultivation sects are in fact, rich, but that is not the only thing giving them power. Legacy and centuries of history, their cultivation techniques, and their individual customs and cultures upheld for years is what gives them this power.

The best comparison here would be like.....monarchy? Royal family? Even then it isn't particularly correct because each sect is community of its own through having members with familial relations and trained outer disciples. Money doesn't define sects, though it is a matter of importance for people like JGS and WRH.

Dismantling the sect system would mean dismantling communities. It would mean a removal of culture(they all have their own sword techniques, individualistic rituals like forehead ribbons, clarity bells and sabres, they have their own value systems they live by, texts and craft, etc). That's why no character wants to get rid of this.

Yes the Gusu Lan are restrictive, the Qinghe Nie's sabres are destructive, etc etc but it is still a cultures. These artefacts mean something to each sect and is unfortunately tied to certain backward rules.

Jin Guangyao is the one character who tried to use his powers to make things better- he is the son of a sex worker, he knows what it is like to be underprivileged and during his time as chief cultivator did a lot of good). The watchtowers are the biggest example. Here is a good example of how these sects can repurpose their wealth to better the community.

It is a possible route, one which hopefully the newer gen will pick up as time goes on. It does suck no one else tried it but calling the sects and their leaders wealth hoarders or comparing them to billionaires strips this situation of its nuance. Especially with JC because it's only been a decade since his entire community was annihilated and so his priority would be reviving the culture of YMJ.

It's a valid critique, the sects are classisst and should do better but it's a complicated issue where to better things, potential parts of culture needs to be given up, and they have to work to find compromises and places of adjustment. It's a long process.

I'd also like to say......yeah WWX is technically lower than JC since he isn't a sect heir but he is the son of two highly famous cultivators and the first disciple of a Great Five(now Four) Sect? He is lower on the totem pole than JC, but technically so are a bunch of other people(LWJ is because he isn't a sect heir). But that is a bit disingenuous, WWX is lower. But JC has never held his background against him.

We can argue about this till the cows come home. In fact, every JC stan vs WWX stan war is fueled by this. I can bring up text, you can bring up text, then we can get lost in the meaning of the words and subtext and yada yada and I don't want to do that.

All I'll say, for my interpretation of their relationship, is that JC was fine with dying for WWX when he distracted the Wens, he begged and pleaded with his mom to spare WWX multiple times, he's made excuses for him and gone along with a lot of his plans from harmless pranks to staging a fallout, and the opening of the novel noted that JC was very sentimental about WWX to a point people sneered at JC for having that affection for him and not taking any action sooner.

Additionally WWX isn't like championing the poor or anything???? That has never, ever been his thing??? The Wen remnants are all upper class, and if the attack hadn't happened, would've been pretty high up on the hierarchy. This was WQ and WN's faction- aka the cousins, nephews, nieces, uncles, aunts of the main Wen family. They aren't poor foot soldiers- technically none of them would be because everyone in a sect is somewhat privileged merely by being in a sect and by being a cultivator.

He was fighting for them because it was unfair that a group of people who did nothing against the four sects are suffering for the contemporaries' crimes. It wasn't like, specifically a class thing, it was moreso on the idea of what is "right" and what is "wrong", morality, and there were lots of other factors discussed aside from money, like the possession of cultivation artifacts, infidelity, sect mottos, etc. I won't deny money, social position and family name played a huge part but it wasn't exactly that WWX was...fighting against like he never expressed he wanted to dismantle anything.

No one really does. MDZS isn't a story about class struggle or a commentary on dismantling that structure. WWX didn't set out on his work for that, it was a lesson he learned along the way and it's more of WWX's personal journey to recovery and learning to rely on others while examining the power of rumors and false information.

You can certainly see it as a commentary on class, especially in JGY but it's not.....really any character's motive. Not even WWX. When he says he'll walk the crooked path alone, he's not declaring the end of...fuedalism(? idk i doubt that's the right word for the sect system but it conveys the basic gist of it). He's doing it because he's morally correct in defending innocent people. Not impoverished or infleunced by a lack of money, but innocent.

I'd argue MDZS is actually more about casteism but eh po-tay-toe- po-tah-toe.

Anyways, I think wrt how we view the influence of the system on characters, we have a fundamental disagreement which I'm fine with having because I can't dictate how you view the novel. This is just my take. It's not to change your mind or anything, I just like yapping and seeing how things contrast.

Anyways~~ bye~~ this was fun

It pains me to re-read MDZS because every other line out of Jiang Cheng's mouth about Wei Wuxian is a prophecy that comes tru. "playing hero will get you killed wwx" "your reliance on your strength will doom you" "you can't take the world on alone, it'll always end bad"/ He does it for other characters too and like this man has been forseeing 20 years ahead since day one and absolutely no one believes him.

Wei Wuxian: Silly Jiang Cheng! Of course I won't die!

Wei Wuxian, 3 days later, the spirits tearing into him: I-I can't let him know he got that one right

[sweetmage]

I was talking to my friend about DAI's treatment of Anders the other day and how it drives me INSANE. This game is SO cruel and uncharitable to him! Firstly, the only time we EVER see his manifesto in canon (as far as I know) is in the house of a crazed murderer with a pile of bodies in his basement. Every single mention is placing the blame firmly on his shoulders. I know some people subscribe to the "Varric is distancing himself from their actions for his/their safety" which I subscribe to as well simply for my own sanity, but it does sometimes become hard to swallow when it's been revealed that (assuming you romanced him) he knew where Hawke and Anders were the entire time yet he continues to let others trash Anders while he chimes, etc. And I DO understand and sympathize with Varric in a way, Kirkwall was his home and when the war broke out there was mass death and destruction and he had to leave. Anders did play a role in that, but he only sped up the process, he was not the root cause and they were heading that direction anyway. Also, he saw Meritdith's red lyrium nonsense firsthand, he saw the cruelty that preceded it, and everything she did aligned with what Anders was so concerned about. The Thedas-wide fighting is not "blondie's mess". I originally had my imported Hawke set to "supported Anders" but I had to change it to "didn't support Anders" in my next playthrough because the supportive Hawke straight up calls him a "monster" so I found the alternative to somehow be the lesser of two evils. In the end, I guess that's more accurate to my Hawke anyway because he was upset that Anders went behind his back and didn't tell him first, he would have liked the time to prepare for the aftermath and all that. But yeah, the "I don't know if there ever was an Anders" from a conflicted but still loyal Hawke is easier for me to roll my eyes and ignore than "he wasn't a hero or a monster, maybe he was both" from a supportive Hawke. But ugh, I digress... As for the other main characters, I do understand that none of them knew Anders personally, they only know him from the big action he took with the chantry and nothing more. So I think it makes sense that they don't necessarily have a favorable view of him, some of them seem rather confused if anything. Not to mention a lot of them did not personally endure the circumstances that led Anders to do what he did. But I really would have loved for there to be more NPCs that supported him, especially when DA2 introduced "The Resolutionists" who seem to align pretty damn well with Anders.

And we got a character that supported Loghain which is a 10+ year old topic but not a single one that supported Anders who seems to be a hot-button issue atm? At the very least, I wish there were at least some people that questioned the whole "Anders did this, this is all his fault" narrative (especially once DAI itself revealed that the war did not, in fact, start because of Anders) or at least SOME differing opinions on him?? As far as I can tell, the only person who has been remotely charitable to him is Solas in this conversation (the thing my friend sent me that got me talking about it):

And the only other mention I could find of people that may have supported him is in the Annexing Kirkwall wartable mission where Sebastian mentions "Anders's associates" who he believes might know where he is. But then again, this is coming from the man who wants to march on a city of innocents for to find a man who probably isn't even there so should be taken with a huge grain of salt.

FWIW I now play with the mod that makes Aiding Kirkwall trigger every time because it better aligns with my HCs for Seb and I will never in my life kill Anders so... I actually like Sebastian even though I don't agree with him most of the time. I get his immediate hurt and betrayal at the end of DA2 because he effectively lost his family again, but I'd like to after 3 whole years of being prince he'd have cooled down enough to uhhh... not march on a bunch of innocents??? Which seems very antithetical to his character and development in DA2?? Annexing Kirkwall is silly, so I do not see it. But I digress, this is an Anders post!!

Anyway, I know I am not saying anything that hasn't been said to death by this point. I love each and every DA companion in their own way, regardless of whether or not I agree with them. But I feel like this is less an issue with them and more an issue with how the writers chose to frame the narrative. I do have to wonder if the fact that so many people hated and were averse to Anders made them think that this is what the people wanted. I have quite a few issues with Anders's writing and handling in DA2 as well, don't get me wrong, but at the very least I enjoyed the ability to support him all the way through.

[starlightandsouls]

Yours To Keep And Cherish.II

Word Count: 13k

Warnings: Considering how the last chapter had completely undiluted fluff, ya'll should have known this chapter would have some angst. My body can't physically digest all that fluff without some angst. So there's some insecurity and self doubt in this chapter.

Part 1

Azriel POV..

The cold breeze and the clouds were a welcome relief as he flew through Velaris back to his nightingale. To say that dinner had been chaotic would be a huge understatement. And now, as he flew with the clouds and the stars, his mind was in turmoil. Part of him was relieved that his family had found out. It had definitely not gone as expected but at least now he wouldn’t have to go through the painful process of telling them about his lover. Rhysand and Cassian, being the enormous drama queens that they are, would have gotten mad about the fact that he hadn’t told them sooner. And to be honest he wouldn’t have blamed them. They were his brothers, the only people he could call family in this world, other than his mother of course. So their anger would be justified. However that was not to say that he still wouldn’t have to face a thorough scolding and interrogation whenever he saw his brothers next. He just hoped Nesta would be able to quell their anger to some extent.

On the other hand, deep down some small part of him was also nervous about you all meeting. Firstly because he knew you would be too. Despite how confident you seemed, and how incredibly proud he was of you for that, he knew you harboured some insecurities as well. Time and time again he had reassured you how perfectly beautiful you were, had begged you to direct that endless kindness you had for others towards yourself. But he knew that in matters like this others can only do so much, having struggled with issues like this all his life. One needs to deal with this by themselves, they need that core belief that reminds them everyday that they are enough. His entire life had been a cycle of hate and anger and self loathing. You had come into his life like an angel from the Mother. You brought such happiness in his life, happiness that he had never thought himself worthy of. The fact that he had such a beautiful, gentle and kind woman as his lover reminded him everyday that maybe, just maybe for once... he was enough.

He just prayed he could make you feel the same way. Azriel did not possess his brothers’ flirtatious and boisterous personalities. Even the thought of it made him anxious. He may never be able to give a huge speech in public proclaiming his love like Cassian might or flirt with you in front of everyone like Rhysand. But he tried to make up for it with little things, he really did. Leaving small affectionate notes whenever he had to leave, giving random kisses when they were alone, always making sure your house and shop were fully stocked with your favourite flowers and treats, buying you dresses he thought you would like. It was all he could do to assure you that he did love you, with all his heart.

This was another reason that was making him nervous about you meeting his family. What if you realised that you wanted more, more than he could offer? While he loved his brothers more than life and would gladly die for them a thousand times over, he has always felt inadequate compared to them. Azriel didn’t have their looks, their confidence, or anything really. Or at least nothing that you couldn’t get from anyone else. And that scared him more than anything else, it had kept him up many nights when his thoughts wandered too far. He loved you so damn much. You were his light, his little nightingale. After five centuries alone he had finally found someone who saw him, truly saw him and accepted him for who he was. He couldn’t lose you, he just couldn’t.

God, this is what happens when he ponders his doubts too much. He gets entangled in this web of apprehension and fear that only does him more harm. No he wouldn’t think like this anymore. He had you now and you were here to stay, as you told him time and time again.

Shaking those ridiculous thoughts out of his head, he made his way over to your shop. Many of the shops in the Rainbow had already closed down since it was getting so late. The bustling shops and music and people were replaced by a resting silence. Your shop was one of the few that remained open. Walking in he was met by even more silence. Strange. Even without any customers, you would always be rushing around the shop, always consumed with your endless tasks and chores. You were here, he knew that much, because the door was unlocked and the lights were on. He sent his shadows out to look for you before making his way through the shop in hopes of finding you.

And when he finally did, the sight before him melted his heart. You sat on the floor with dozens of books and boxes around you. Your head was resting on one such pile of books and you were fast asleep. The chocolate coloured hair that usually fell in gorgeous waves all the way to your waist was now wrapped up in a messy bun.

Even from afar he could tell that your position could not be one that was comfortable to sleep in. Cauldron knows how long you’ve been sitting like this. Your muscles must be all cramped up by now.

As if sensing his presence, you roused slowly. Rubbing your eyes you took in your surroundings as if you had forgotten where you were.

“Someone is very tired today it seems,” he joked, amused by your current state and reaction. Still groggy from sleep, you turned to him as if just realising he was here,

“Oh, Az. When did you get here?”

“Just right now. Why are you sleeping on the floor my love?” he asked while also laughing at your still confused expressions.

“I was putting away all these books. They’ve been sitting around for ages. God, I was only resting my head for a minute. I must have fallen asleep then. What time is it?” you inquired.

“Late enough that you should be home by now, darling.” He then walked over to help you up. People normally shied away from his hands, too uncomfortable and disturbed by the scars they bore. Seeing you take his hand without any hesitation or fear filled him with more happiness than he could tell.

“Oh, but I still need to clean up here. All these books are making such a mess,” you whined half heartedly. Despite your complaints he could see it in your eyes that you had no energy left to put everything away. The way your shoulders drooped and how hollow your eyes looked were enough to tell him that you needed some well deserved rest.

“You can do it all tomorrow love. Plus isn’t it a Sunday tomorrow? Why don’t you keep the shop closed and take the day off? You can come in late in the evening and do whatever you need to,” he offered.

You, in turn, gave him a stern look. A look that wasn’t all that firm with your kind eyes and gentle features.

“You know Shadowsinger, if I stay with you a little while longer you’re going to run me out of the business. You’re always telling me to take time off and close the shop.”

“That’s because I know that you work too hard, love. You’re gonna burn yourself out if you don’t take any breaks. And someone has to remind you to get some rest in.”

“You’re one to talk Shadowsinger,” you snorted out before continuing, “Well I’m actually glad you’re here because I have no energy whatsoever to walk home right now.”

He waited outside while you locked up. Then when you walked out, coat and bag in hand, he grabbed you and without any warning took off to the sky.

The shriek that you let out suggested you probably would have appreciated one. Your hands were wrapped tightly around him and your face was hidden in his neck.

“You know you’re missing out on a gorgeous view here,” he remarked.

You only shook your head and clung even closer to him, if that was even possible. Your fear of heights was one that he tried to help you overcome on many occasions. Although he hadn’t quite succeeded yet. Oh well, he will one day.

“It’s not going to kill you to look. I promise not to drop you love.”

As response, you moved your leg up and kicked him in the gut. While it didn’t hurt him one bit, it did take him by surprise. Just to mess with you he loosened his grip on you just a bit so that you almost slipped. The scream that you let out almost deafened him.

“You asshole!”

He only laughed and tightened his grip, continuing their journey home. That was not to say their flight was completely eventless. Time and time again he would dive or make sharp turns just to scare you. All of Velaris could hear your cursing and his laughs.

However, despite what you claimed, the two of you made it back to your place in one piece. As soon as they landed, you pulled away from him and hit him on the chest.

“Don’t you dare do that again! You scared the shit out of me!” you yelled.

“Come on, I was just having some fun!” he offered as his defence.

“Fun?! That was fun?”

“I was just messing around, love. You know I would rather die than let you fall.”

And you did. He had made sure that you knew your importance in his life, how precious you were to him. You knew he would do anything to protect you. Which is why he also knew that right now you weren’t truly angry at him. No, this was just one of their routines. He would tease you, you would pretend to be mad and then he would make it up to you in many different ways, none of which included any clothes by chance.

Walking over, he grabbed your face with both hands and kissed you with all the passion and love he could muster. In an instant your arms were around his neck as you kissed him back. There. All was forgiven.

Pulling away, he asked,

“Was that apology acceptable? Or does my lady require more persuasion?”

The glint in your eyes told that you did not miss what he was suggesting.

“On any another occasion you would not be forgiven so easily Shadowsinger. But tonight I am tired, so your apology is accepted,” you answered.

He gave you one more kiss before the two of you walked into the house, hand in hand.

Moments later he lay in your bed, awaiting your arrival. He had already changed out of his dinner clothes into some pyjamas he kept at your place. They came handy given his frequent visits. Now he lay shirtless in some blue trousers reading a random book from your shelf.

You walked out of the bathroom rid of the clothes you were wearing. Instead you now wore one of his shirts, that fell all the way to your knees, and some loose shorts. However instead of coming to bed, you walked over to your vanity. You stood with an exhausted expression and glared at the vanity as if it had somehow wronged you.

“Everything okay, love?” he asked.

“No. I’m just...I’m so tired but I need to brush and braid my hair or else it’ll be really knotted in the morning. And my arms feel like jelly,” you replied, words drawn out slowly, indicating just how sleepy you really were.

“Do you want me to do it?”

You turned to him with an amused look,

“You want to brush my hair?,” you inquired.

“Why not? I can’t imagine it’ll be that hard,” he shrugged. It was only hair and you looked too tired to do it by yourself.

“Well okay then,” you said as you walked over after grabbing your brush. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, giving you plenty of space to sit comfortably in. Although he was caught by surprise once again when you instead moved to sit on the floor.

“Love, you can sit up here...”

“No I’m fine down here. Don’t worry,” was all you said before handing him the brush.

He gently took your hair out of the bun and watched it fall all the way down. He loved your hair, loved the way it felt between his fingers, loved the colour that reminded him of the sweetest chocolate deserts.

Starting from the bottom, he started brushing out all the knots, which were a lot actually. He tried to be as gentle as possible, not wanting to cause you any pain or discomfort. The entire time you sat quietly at his feet, humming occasionally. Another thing he loved about their relationship; the silence between them was never uncomfortable or awkward. The two of you could sit together without saying a word, simply basking in the others presence. He never had to force himself to make small talk, you understand him without having to say anything.

When he was done brushing out the knots thoroughly, he started braiding your hair. The intricate process of wearing your silk like hair together cleared his mind and gave him time to think. He still hadn’t told you that his entire family had found out about them and that they wanted to meet you. As he neared the end of the braid, he decided he would tell you tomorrow. The last thing you needed right now was any stress or tension because he knew it would drive away any chances of you falling asleep, being an insomniac like himself. So he would tell you tomorrow. He wouldn’t ruin the serenity that has settled over your house right now.

Before he knew it, he was done with the braid. You kissed his right knee before getting up and walking over to the mirror and that small smile was all he needed to know that you were happy with it.

“Oh wow. Well done Shadowsinger,” you praised, still admiring the braid in your mirror.

“What? Were you expecting me to mess up? You underestimate my abilities, nightingale,” he remarked at you, faking offense.

“I do not underestimate your abilities my love. I just didn’t expect braiding hair to be one of them,” you explained.

“Well, what can I say? I am a man of many talents.”

“Exactly how much practice have you had, huh? Do you often go around braiding women’s hair?” you taunted mockingly.

“Oh yeah. I make it a point to braid their hair after I sleep with them. It shows my affection and care. It would be rude of me to just do it for you and pick favourites. Doesn’t make for a good reputation amongst women no?” he joked, playing along with your taunt.

Despite not wanting to he couldn’t help but laugh at your expression. Your eyes were wide and your jaw dropped low. However that was his only warning as you chucked your hairbrush at him. He missed the flying brush by an inch, had he moved a second later, he probably would have had a gigantic bruise on his forehead tomorrow.

“So violent, woman.”

You only rolled your eyes and made over to bed. Finally shuffling into the sheets, you came to lay in his open arms. He kissed the top of your head and stayed there for a second with his eyes closed, breathing in your soothing scent. For several minutes, they lay in silence, resting their tired minds and bodies after a long day. This silence was broken when you asked,

“Seriously though Az. Where did you learn to braid hair so well? It’s even better than what I make.”

He laughed at your inquisitiveness. Once you set your mind on something you wouldn’t rest until you knew the answer.

“I’ve watched my mother make hers a million times by now. I probably picked it up from her,” he said.

The soft, sleepy smile that made its way on your face was more beautiful than anything else he had ever seen.

“So no other girls?” you joked.

“No other girls. You’re the only one for me, my nightingale.”

........................................................................................................

He stayed with you all day next day, as promised. You didn’t go to work either. The morning was filled with greedy touches and breathless sounds. After which the two of you had a huge breakfast including everything the two of you loved.

He was putting away dishes while you wiped the counter clean, when he decided to tell you about his family. God, he was nervous. What if you weren’t ready to meet them all? What if you felt overwhelmed or pushed into something you didn’t want yet? He didn’t want to upset you, he didn’t know what he would do if he did. Clearing his throat, he started,

“Love. You know how I told you about that family dinner yesterday?”

You nodded and went to sit on the chairs lining the kitchen island as he continued,

“ So you know how Nesta found out and wanted to meet you? Well... I was telling her about the weekend plan and she got kind of excited and... also got too loud. So then every body went quiet for some reason and now... everybody knows.”

He honestly felt like hitting himself right now. Really? That’s how he told you? No explanation, no apology. Just throwing it all out there. Great work, Azriel. Really well done. Imbecile.

His apprehension increased ten fold when you didn’t say anything. Several moments passed. That blissful, serene silence from last night was now filed with anxiety and fear.

“So...everybody knows?” you questioned. He nodded.

“Even the High Lord and Lady,” your voice was not above a whisper now. He nodded again.

“Oh. So... now what?”

“Well they said they wanted to meet you. Cassian and Rhysand especially. Those two bone heads were angry I didn’t tell them sooner. They practically demanded I bring you over last night,” he spilled out, fully rambling now, trying but failing to combat the rising nervousness in him. He moved over to sit by your side and took your hands in his. Bringing them up he kissed both before he continued,

“Love. I am so so sorry. I know its not what we planned and that it’s all too much. It’s all my fault. I was reckless and careless. I should have told Nesta somewhere in private. But darling, you don’t have to meet them now if you don’t want to. I’ll deal with them myself...”

You stopped him before he could ramble anymore,

“Az, Az. Its okay. I was just shocked. And I mean... it’s not the end of the world is it? I mean its just your family right? They were going to find out one day.”

“Exactly. God, I was so worried...”

“But I mean it’s another thing that they’re also the High Lord and Lady so... I mean... like... like how do I just go and meet them like..” you interrupted once again, doubt clearly starting to claw its way into you.

“Hey, don’t worry about that. My family’s not at all what you’re expecting. Okay trust me. They’re all huge idiots, especially Rhysand. You’re probably smarter than half of them.”

The rest of the evening was spent with him trying to fight off any doubt or fear you may have. Multiple times he offered once again to stall his family but you insisted on not refusing their invitation. At the same time you were so nervous about meeting them for some reason. Gods, he wondered what you would be like when you would meet his mother. Speaking of which, he hasn’t visited her in some time and was really starting to miss her. So when you left for the shop to arrange all the new books, he decided to go meet his mother. The two of you decided that he would take you over to meet his family on the weekend, the same day he had decided for you and Nesta to meet. It gave you three whole days to prepare. This time you were the one reassuring him that you were fine as he dropped you off at your shop, not wanting to leave you alone in any discomfort. After being satisfied that you were truly fine, he took off to his mother’s house, not before borrowing some pen and paper from your shop. With it he wrote a message to Rhysand,

“I’ve talked to her and will bring her over to meet you all on the weekend. Don’t get too excited and do too much, you’ll freak her out. Please try to act normal and make sure the others do as well. I’m going over to my mother’s and will stay there for a few days I’ll come over on Friday. Don’t bother me until then.

Azriel.”

He then sent his shadows to deliver the note to the High Lord and took to the skies to make his way to his mother’s house.

..............................................................................................

His mother’s home was the most beautiful house in Velaris. At least to him. And it wasn’t just because of how the estate was physically built, but rather how his mom kept it. The overflowing flowers and fruit trees, the open windows and dozen lights lining the exterior as well as interior of the house. It felt like home and looked like one as well. He had bought this estate for his mother centuries ago when he had rescued her from the merciless cruelties of the Illyrian camps and had bought her to Velaris, far from the ones who had made her life hell. Azriel had made sure that no one or nothing would bother his mother ever again. She had been through enough hardships to last a lifetime. Now he made sure she had everything she could ever need, that she would never want for anything.

Walking into the house, he was instantly hit by the delicious aromas that usually spread across his mother’s home. Baking and cooking were his mother’s favourite hobbies, followed soon by painting and gardening. Speaking of which, he should take her to see Feyre some day. He was sure she would love the High Lady’s intricate paintings. Her entire life, his mother had survived on the scraps his so called father would bestow upon her, had been too busy trying to survive to ever truly live. Now he always ensured his mother had the resources to try whatever she wanted. Whether that was discovering new things within Velaris or traveling to other courts, Azriel made it happen before she could even say it out loud. It was the least he could do as her son.

“You know you can feed an entire army with the food you make mom,” he expressed.

“Azriel!!” his mother cried out before rushing over to him. She threw her arms around him and he was home. Just like that. They stayed like that for Cauldron knows how long. When they pulled apart, his mother took him in hurriedly, as if trying to assess whether he was fine or not. She always worried about him, despite his constant reprimands not to.

“Ooh I missed you my darling! You came at the perfect time, dinner’s almost ready. Come sit!” his mother said in her cheery, song like voice.

“What do you even do with all the food you make Mum?”

“Well eat it of course! What else am I supposed to do with it? I made some of your favourites as well. You’ve become so skinny Az. You haven’t been eating properly have you?” she reprimanded.

“I have Mom. Why do you worry so much?”

“Because you give me reasons to worry. All grown up but still need someone to remind you to eat. One would think you would be a bit more responsible but no, you still have to give your old mother a heart attack,” she added.

This was why Azriel never stopped his mother from taking care of him and even if he did, it was always half heartedly. He knew that she would do it no matter how many times he refused. Because she hadn’t had the chance to do so when he was a child. They hadn’t had any time together; he had been in the cold, dark cell at his father’s mercy and she had been slaving away at the camp. Only an hour would be granted to them. He still remembered to this day how he would rush to his mother’s arms, begging her to take him with her, how silent tears would make their way down her face as she promised that it would all be okay one day, that she would get him out of there.

He had never blamed his mother for the atrocities he had been through in that cell. Not then and not now. She had been as helpless as Azriel. However it was clear that his mother still carried that guilt of not protecting her son. He saw it in how she always cooked all his favourite meals for him whenever he visited, how she would hug him longer when he had to leave, how she would always kiss his hands when he lay with his head in her lap.

Overcome with emotion all of a sudden, he walked over to his mother and hugged her. She was caught by surprise as she was setting the table but didn’t hesitate to hug him back. Her grip was strong and firm, just like her love for her son.

“I love you mom,” he murmured into her hair.

“I love you too Azriel,” she said right back.

After pulling away, she asked,

“Where did this come from all of a sudden?”

“What? I can’t hug my own mother now?” he shot right back.

“Of course you can. You just don’t it so often, that too out of the blue.”

“Cauldron. So now you’re accusing me of not showing you enough affection? What has this world come to?” he joked, the rare mirth and joy shining in his eyes.

“Don’t be such a tease. Go get freshened up. Dinner will be ready in just a minute.”

He kissed the top of her head before heading up to go get changed. Throughout dinner, the two joked and laughed together. Azriel had forgotten just how much fun he had whenever he visited his mother.

Now he was just finishing up his dinner when he looked up and saw his mother gazing at him instead of eating. There was certain happiness and content in her eyes that he couldn’t really put his finger on.

“What?” he asked nervously after a second of silence.

“Nothing.”

“It is something, don’t lie. What?” he continued.

“It’s just... you just look so happy and I.. its good to see you like this my boy,” his mother answered with tears in her eyes.

“Mom, come on. Don’t start crying now. Cauldron, why are you women so emotional?” he joked, hoping to make her laugh again. He succeeded as a second later the same gentle smile made its way on her face as she said,

“Every mother in the world wants to see her child happy, Azriel. It’s nothing new. Although...I would very much like to know the reason behind this sudden change?”

He rolled his eyes and before he could come up with some snarky retort, she beat him to the chase by adding,

“It’s that girl you told me about isn’t it? The one who works at the bookstore? And don’t bother lying! You may be the Spymaster but I am your mother young man. You can’t get any lies past me.”

Knowing there was no point in arguing with or lying to her, he agreed,

“Yes, it’s her. We’ve been seeing each other for some time now and we’ve gotten a lot closer.”

His mother then got up from her chair and walked over to him. Before he could stand as well, she hugged him once again. There was no point in trying to move now so Azriel simply wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her back. She then kissed the top of his head as he had done with her and murmured,

“I’m so happy for you, my darling. I can’t even tell you how glad I am!”

For the second time this evening, the stoic Shadowsinger felt his grip on his emotions loosen as tears welled up in his eyes. Although the same could be said for his mom as well as she quickly moved away and stood so she was turned away from him. Her quite sniffles told him she was crying as well. Quickly standing, he rushed over to her and took her in his arms so that her face was pressed into his chest. She still wouldn’t look him in the eye.

“Mom c’mon! Why are you crying? I thought you were happy!”

She only cried harder at that so he said,

“I’m serious, please stop crying. You know I can’t bear it.”

At that she wiped her tears and smiled once again.

“Alright I won’t cry anymore.”

The rest of the evening he spent by telling his mother all about you. As night rolled his mother moved to her bedroom and he lay with his head in her lap as she sat against the headboard. He told her every single detail about you that he could think of: how you looked, what you were like, what your house was like. He felt like a love struck teenager. But he was okay with it. He was happy, that was all that mattered. Who cares what others might think of him?

That night he fell asleep with his head in his mother’s lap. And the rest was more peaceful and fulfilling than he had had in a long, long time. The last thing he remembered was his mother’s silky hands through his hair and her words that were whispered like some sacred secret,

“I love you my precious son. More than you could ever imagine.”

..............................................................................................

Reader's POV..

You had been apprehensive about meeting Azriel’s family ever since the two of you had gotten together. It was because of traditional reasons as well. Meeting your boyfriend’s family was an important step in any relationship. It signified a type of development, a more permanent commitment. Now you weren’t concerned about the commitment part. Oh no. You were completely and utterly devoted to Azriel and couldn’t fathom a single reason that would ever make you leave him.

No, it was the meeting the family part that was bothering you. That alone was terrifying. But when your boyfriend’s family were the High Lord and Lady, along with the most powerful and important people in the Court, well, then no one could really blame you for being anxious. It was Saturday now, three whole days had passed since you last saw Azriel. He had spent the last few days at his mother’s house and had told her he would stop by today late afternoon. And at night, they would go to the High Lord’s estate together. Cauldron! Even the thought sent shivers down your spine.

You had gone to the store today, hoping to get some work done and had grumbled your way through all the customers. If anyone noticed the change in your usually cheery demeanour, they didn’t say anything. And you were grateful for it. Today you just weren’t in the mood to deal with anyone so you went back home. Your head felt heavy with all the anxiety and whenever you got anxious, you became really quiet. It was something you had struggled with ever since you were a child. The company of others suddenly a burden, their comforts drowned out by the sharp noise in your head telling you all sorts of things to worry about. The world becomes blurred and slow, too hazy to try and process.

Now you were laying in your bed, as you had been for the last two hours, muscles feeling too heavy to carry you all the way to the bathroom to start getting ready.

It was almost half past four when you dragged yourself out of bed to get washed and clean. Even though the dinner was at 8, you wanted as much time as you could get to make yourself look presentable. You had thoroughly scrubbed every inch of your skin to wash away all the dirt and grime. After washing and conditioning your hair, you put it up in a towel while also putting on a bathrobe.

That was how you stood, with your clothes strewn all across your bed. When Azriel had told you about the dinner, you had stayed calm for his sake. Because you knew he was nervous and didn’t want him to feel uncared for by you.

However that was not to say that you hadn’t panicked as soon as he had left. You had grabbed Lexie and gone on a day long shopping spree, claiming you had nothing to wear. That, obviously, wasn’t true as Lexie had pointed out but you had gotten loads of new dresses anyways.

You loved shopping as much as you loved working. You weren’t one to prefer living a grand lifestyle. You didn’t have any major expenses. Having your own house and shop helped as well as it meant you did not have to pay any rent. That left a huge chunk of your income to be spent on things you loved.

As soon as you had stepped into the boutique your eyes had been caught by the hundreds of dresses being displayed on the mannequins, you had become a ten year old girl enamoured by the bright colours and designs. You had ended up buying around nine to ten gowns, one of which included a floor length pastel pink ball gown which you had no idea where you were going to wear it to. But the intricate floral work and soft tulle had instantly caught your heart. You weren’t planning to wear that tonight though. It was a bit too formal, or at least you thought. This is why you had asked Azriel to come early so he could help you decide what to wear. He was supposed to drop by his brother’s house first so you hoped he would get some idea as to what the rest of the females were wearing.

It was getting late and Azriel still wasn’t here. You were done with your hair and some basic makeup, the rest you would do based on what you decided to wear. Right now you were sitting on your vanity chair, still wearing your bathrobe, staring at the pile of dresses you had bought.

Your expression must be particularly morose as Azriel stopped dead in his tracks as he walked into your room.

“Everything okay?” he asked tentatively, clearly choosing his words carefully, which made you even more irritated. You hated that he had to walk on eggshells even around you.

“No. Nothing is okay, Azriel. I can’t decide what to wear! I got all this stuff with Lexie but now I don’t know what to pick. I don’t even know if any of it looks good!”

Azriel then slowly turned to the heaps of clothes piled on your bed, disbelief evident in his eyes.

“You bought all of this... for tonight?”

“Yeah,” you replied.

“Uhhh.. why?” Azriel

“Because I was confused okay? I went shopping with Lexie but then I remembered you hadn’t told me what kind of dinner it was going to be exactly. Like is it formal? Semi formal? There were so many dresses there and I couldn’t really decide. And it was getting late and Lexie had to go somewhere so I just bought all the ones I liked. But now I can’t pick one. And half of them don’t even look that good now,” you let out while pacing your room, becoming more exasperated and panicked by the second.

Sensing your worry, Azriel got up and stopped your pacing by grabbing you by the shoulders. He then sat you down on the sofa near your bed, still holding and rubbing your hands in an attempt to calm you down,

“Baby, first of all take a breath okay? If I knew you were this panicked I wouldn’t have left. You said you were fine with it, that’s why I said yes to the dinner in the first place. You’re stressing yourself out for no reason, darling. Those idiots are the most laid back people ever. Trust me it’s really not that big of a deal what you wear.”

“I know, I know. But still... it would help to have some sort of idea as to what everyone else is wearing, just so that I don’t stick out like a sore thumb. Come one Azriel. You said you were going to visit there first. Don’t you know what everyone there is wearing. Like is like more of a dress event or like jeans or something?”

Realising you weren’t going to relax without knowing, Azriel let out an exasperated laugh and dropped his head for a second before replying,

“You’re taking this all way too seriously, love. But still if you want to know, I don’t know about everyone else but Mor and Nesta will definitely wear some dresses or gowns, Amren too for that matter.”

Happy that you had some semblance of a theme, you quickly got up and grabbed two of the dresses you liked particularly.

“Well then I was thinking and I narrowed it down to these two but I couldn’t decide which one looked best. Which one do you like Az? Or do you think I should pick something else?”

You held out the dresses in front of you so he could see them properly. Both were some almost down to your calves when put on, so it wasn’t as casual as a traditional knee length dress might have been and also wasn’t as formal as a floor length gown. However you were particularly disappointed with Azriel’s answer,

“Darling they’re both the same.”

“What... How... how do they look the same to you? This one is in pink and this one is in black.”

“The color is different but other than they’re exactly the same. Wear either one of them,” he argued back.

“In what world do these look the same to you Azriel? My darling I love you but now I know you really are a blind bat!”

Azriel’s expression was priceless. Eyes wide and mouth gasping and blabbering like a fish.

“Don’t look at me like that. You have to be blind to think these dresses look the same. The pink one has sequins all over and has open shoulders, and it has more lace work. The black one only has sequins on the top and has sheer sleeves. Cauldron! Just... leave it Azriel. You’re obviously not going to be any help,” you murmured softly.

You then walked over to the edge of the bed and dropped your head into your hands, trying to take a calming breath. You were more frustrated than you should be and when you got irritated, you cried. And crying was not an option right now. It would not only ruin your makeup but also your mood for the rest of the night. Azriel then silently came to the bed and sat behind you, running him hands up and down your shoulders, kissing them as he went.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

You turned away but he only tightened his grip on you, hugging you from behind now. Resisting was futile as you slowly released a shuddering breath and melted into his touch. His scent and touch soothing your frayed nerves. You only leaned further into his touch and closed your eyes, taking the moment to ground yourself.

“It’s okay, Az. It’s not your fault. I’m the one who’s acting crazy,” you said while wringing your hands, not even looking him in the eye.

“You’re not crazy, darling, just a little worried. Now if you ask me, my nightingale will look stunning in anything she wears. But if you really need an answer.. I think the black one looks really good,” Azriel said.

“Really?”

Azriel only nodded. Your eyes lit up at his answer, happy that you finally knew what to wear now. You then kicked Azriel out of the room, much to his displeasure. You wanted to get ready in peace and surprise him. Plus he had to go get changed himself anyways.

It was almost seven by the time you got ready. Now you sat finishing up your make up, wearing the decided black dress and heels. It was nothing heavy or too over the top. Just some blush, shadow liner and some highlighter to alleviate the look. Oh and some of Azriel’s favourite peach lip stick and gloss. As for your hair, you had left it open with some loose waves. Also you had put on two of your gold bracelets in your left wrist. They were thin and intricate but looked beautiful nonetheless. Overall the look was pretty clean yet elegant at the same time.

But no matter how much you tried to convince yourself, that small voice in your head just wouldn’t quiet down. It gnawed at your heart, whispering cruel words and creating an endless cycle of self loathing in your mind. You didn’t want to bother Azriel after the whole dress dilemma. This was what you had always done. You would put on a mask of confidence so strong that no one would ever get a hint of the insecurities tearing away at your soul.

Lost in your mind, you sat staring at yourself in the mirror. All of a sudden your makeup looked too badly done, your hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed in weeks. The dress you had so fondly worn at Azriel’s persistence suddenly resembled a garbage bag. However your brutal mind didn’t stop at your accessories. Suddenly your face was too fat or your nose too big, your eyes were becoming increasingly disproportionate as your ears hung way too low to be normal for fae kind.

The room around you faded, the voices muffled as your mind pulled you in deeper, creating new problems in you every second. God you were ugly, and pathetic. What the hell were you thinking? Dating the Shadowsinger? As if you would ever be worthy of him. He was the Night Court’s Spymaster, the High Lord and General’s brother. Why would he love a lowly woman like yourself when he could have someone better? A noble man’s daughter perhaps. Someone beautiful enough to be considered his equal. What were you compared to them? Nothing.

You were so busy drowning in your thoughts that you didn’t notice Azriel walk in. He, however, did notice as you stared blankly at your reflection. Your expression revealed nothing but he wasn’t the Spymaster for nothing. He saw the storm brewing in your eyes, the hate pulling you in deeper. His panic increased even more when he called your name and you didn’t reply. Once. Twice. And then he was walking over to you.

Putting his hands on your shoulder, he tried to shake you out of your reverie while he kneeled in front of you.

“Hey, hey. What’s wrong?”

You didn’t say anything. Instead you stared right back at him, eyes so sad all of a sudden. Azriel was confused and scared. He didn’t know what had brought his nightingale to this state. She was fine almost an hour ago when she had kicked him out of the room, smiling and teasing that she needed privacy to get ready. He wracked his brain for what might have happened. Had he said something? Had he done something to upset her? He was ready to beg for forgiveness, if only he could figure out what he had done.

“Darling, you’re scaring me. Are you okay? Do you need something?” he tried again.

“What if they don’t like me Azriel?” you let out after a second, voice so low that he almost didn’t hear you.

“Who, darling?”

“Your family, Az. What if they don’t like me? What if they think I’m not good enough for you? What if they don’t approve of our relationship? Not that I’d blame them. I mean you’re the High Lord’s brother. You’re the Night Court’s Spymaster. I’m just a nobody. But I... I can’t lose you Azriel, I can’t. I love you so much and now after everything, I can’t picture my life without you. And I don’t want to,” you cried out. It was a miracle how you hadn’t started bawling by now.

The look on Azriel’s face had you flinching back. It held such anger and pain, every bit the fierce Shadowsinger. His grip on your hands became impossibly tighter.

“Darling, where is this coming from? Did someone say something to you?” he asked slowly, as if interrogating you. The slow, cinched words were a sign of his restraint, of just how angry Azriel really was.

“No, no one said anything...”

“Then where did all this come from? You were fine an hour ago?” Az interrupted.

“No one has to say anything, Azriel. It’s the truth. I... I”

“I swear to God if you say I don’t deserve you, I’m going to...” It was a testament to the fact of how furious Azriel was that he didn’t even finish his sentence. Instead he dropped your hand and moved away, facing the other side of the room as he took deep breaths. Dread coursed through you. There. You had done it. You had upset him.

“Are you...are you angry with me?” you asked after a second, unable to bear the excruciating silence.

At your words Azriel whipped around and rushed over to you. He put his hands on both sides of your face and said,

“Of course not, my darling. Why would I be mad at you? You haven’t done anything wrong. I’m just... I’m just upset at what you were thinking. How can you say something like that? You’re my beautiful nightingale, my light. How can you think you’re not enough? Everyday I thank the Mother for giving me the chance to be with an angel like you. But I know that even if I pray and thank the Mother for a thousand years, it’ll never be enough. You’re so beautiful and kind and caring. If anything, someone as tainted like myself is not worthy of you...”

“Azriel, don’t..” you interrupted.

“If you can’t hear me say that, how do you expect me to bear all the things you said about yourself? My family is going to love you. I know them and I know you. They’re going to adore you just as much as I do. And even if they don’t approve, which they will, my feelings for you will not change. This is my life and I get to decide who I love, not them. And I chose you. Now and always. For as long you’ll have me, I’m going to stay by your side.”

“Even if I cry and complain a lot?” you joked, laughing through the tears. Azriel laughed as well before replying,

“Even then. Don’t ever even think of saying that I deserve someone else. You’re all I want, all I’ve ever wanted.”

He then took your hand and placed it on his heart. The steady beat of it a welcome comfort as you felt it thump below your fingers.

“For as long as my heart beats, I am yours my nightingale. Only yours.”

“And I am yours. Only yours. Now and Always,” you replied.

.....................................................................................

The two of you were just about to leave for the High Lord’s estate. After your little melt down, you needed to refresh your makeup. Azriel was waiting for you downstairs as you added some finishing touches.

You grabbed your purse and sprayed on some more perfume before finally leaving your room. Azriel turned just as you were walking down the stairs. The look of awe on his face made you blush like a rose. It also helped boost your confidence, reassuring you that you really did look fine. Azriel continued gawking at you as you descended the stairs and walked over to him.

“What?” you asked nervously, fidgeting your hands.

“Nothing...you just look so beautiful. Which is weird considering I just saw you ten minutes ago. But you.. you.. you look perfect, nightingale.”

If you were blushing before, you were sure you were red as a beetroot now. Smiling shyly, you looked away.

“Oh, I almost forgot.”

Azriel said as he pulled out a thin black box. Opening it, you saw the most beautiful necklace you had ever seen. It was gold, matching the jewellery you wore, but with small diamonds embedded around the circular pendant. There was some intricate carving in the middle of all the diamonds. It was small and you had to be really close to read it. Sensing your confusion, Azriel explained,

“It’s in Illyrian. It says my nightingale. I had it made for your birthday but thought I might as well give it now.”

You threw your arms around him.

“Azriel it’s amazing. But you didn’t have to get me anything. Plus it looks expensive as well.”

“Nonsense. Anything for my beautiful, beautiful girlfriend,” he argued.

He helped you put it on and then the two of you winnowed to the High Lord’s estate.

.......................................................................................

Before you knew it, you were standing at the River House as Azriel had called it. It was fitting considering it was so close to the Sidra but not really that creative. The same could not be said for the architecture though. It was brilliantly designed, grandeur built into every brick, truly a house fitting for the High Lord.

“Ready?” Azriel asked.

“Nope,” you scoffed.

“You know if it makes you feel any better, they’re just as nervous to meet you. And I’m sure if I tell them about your little melt down, they’ll be even more sympathetic.”

“You do that and I’ll dump you in front of your entire family Shadowsinger. Then you can go find a new girlfriend to bring home,” you threw back at him. Azriel’s expression was truly laugh worthy. In his place, you then asked,

“Shall we?”

He only rolled his eyes, took your arm in his and walked into the house. You could do this. It was just his family, it wasn’t the end of the world. So what if they were the High Lord and Lady? You were Azriel’s girlfriend. You were here as his partner, as his equal. If he could be normal with them, so could you. Azriel’s words at your house had instilled a new confidence in you. You deserved to be here. Azriel had chosen you. He wanted no other just as you only wanted him. So with that new found assurance, you held your head up high and walked into the house with him.

As soon as you walked in you were hit by abundance of lights and the mouth watering aromas wafting through the house. The huge fireplace cast a warm, amber light all over the house. The bustling and yelling of people presumably getting ready could be heard even at the entrance. Even as you walked further in you could hear a female yelling at someone about her shoes. The house was filled with life, it almost radiated it. It was a home that looked and sounded well lived in, just like any other in the city. Maybe they weren’t that different after all. Maybe you had been stressing for nothing.

Just as you reached the sitting area, a blonde female wearing a stunning red dress rounded the corner, yelling at someone upstairs,

“For fuck’ sake Cassian! You had one job to do you complete imbecile!”

She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the two of you. At first she made to turn and go back but decided against it considering the two of you had already seen her. She then rushed over to you with a huge smile and hugged you before you could say hello. You had to give it to her, her grip was a lot firmer than you expected given her size.

“Oohhh you must be this idiot's girlfriend! I’m so happy you’re finally here! We’ve been waiting all week!”

She was practically yelling in your ear but you didn’t mind. Her friendly manner was all you needed to relax. You hugged her back, knowing it would be rude not to. But Azriel, thankfully, had mercy on your ear buds and pulled the two of you apart,

“Well done, Morrigan. A class welcome. Really well done.”

“Oh hush you. I’m Morrigan. But you can call me Mor. Only this idiot calls me Morrigan. And Nesta.”

“Hello! I’m Y/N. It’s so nice to meet you,” you chimed back.

Turning to Azriel she whispered,

“She’s a lot prettier than you told me, Az.”

As if you weren’t standing right there. You felt heat rush to your cheeks as Azriel slapped his hand against his head. Mor them grabbed your hand and pulled you along, as if the two of you had been friends for years.

“Go get the others will you. Rhysand’s in his study and Cassian’s in his room,” she said to Azriel before pulling you along. Azriel shot you an apologetic look but you just smiled back, happy to have made at least one friend here.

As Azriel went to greet the rest of his family, Mor took you to what you assumed was the living room. Lined with unrealistically soft sofas and tables, the walls were graced by some of the most beautiful paintings you had ever seen. As you sat down, Mor moved to pour the two of you a drink. Now you didn’t drink that often but tonight was a special occasion. So why not?

“Honestly though, all jokes aside. You’re really beautiful. And that dress of yours is just impeccable. I love a woman with good taste,” Mor said as she handed you your drink.

“Thank you..I..,” you stuttered, not used to all the praise you were receiving this evening, first from Azriel and now his family.

“Cauldron you’re just as bad as Az. He can’t take a compliment either. You know one time, I don’t remember exactly who it was, but someone told him he looked really pretty. The poor boy didn’t know how to act. He was gawking like a fish out of water. He even spilled his red wine all over his shirt!”

You burst out laughing at that and Mor joined in as well. For some reason you could perfectly picture Az sputtering like a fish at a compliment. The two of you continued like that for several minutes. Mor told you embarrassing stories of your beloved boyfriend and provided you with what she called “priceless black mail material”. By the end of it the two of you were red in the face, hunched over laughing as she told you one of his exploits in the Summer Court.

That was how Azriel found the two of you, lounging on the sofas, wine in hand, laughing hysterically. However he wasn’t alone this time. Behind him was another man, dressed in a perfectly tailored suit with glimmering violet eyes.

“This is exactly why I wanted to get ready early. So that Mor here couldn’t get her hands on your girlfriend first and scare her away,” he said to Azriel, voice smooth and suave.

Walking over to her, he shook her hand and introduced himself,

“You must be Y/N. I’m Rhysand. Pleasure to meet you. Hope my darling cousin wasn’t bothering you too much. She can get a bit excited sometimes.”

You tried not to laugh considering Mor was standing right next to you and you didn’t want to upset your new friend, so all you said was,

“It’s a pleasure meeting you as well Rhysand. And I think she’s been absolutely amazing.”

You addressed him just as he had you. Rhysand held himself with pride but no ego could be seen in his demeanour. There was no arrogance. He had introduced himself by his name, no title, nothing. So that was how you addressed him as well, without any titles or formalities.

“You’re too kind. But five centuries together have taught us all that she can be prone to random bouts of insanity so I would watch out if I were you.”

Mor looked like she wanted to throw her shoe at Rhysand. Azriel and you only laughed.

Soon the rest of his family started filtering in. First you met the High Lady, Feyre, and with her their son as well. Nyx had to be the cutest baby you had ever seen and you said as much which earned you a smile from both Feyre and Rhysand. You had asked to hold the baby and were playing with him in your arms when Azriel’s other brother, Cassian, and his mate, Nesta, arrived.

You had to hand Nyx back to Feyre as Cassian pulled you in for a bone crushing hug. That seemed to be everyone’s preferred method of greeting around here. You were lifted off the ground as he hugged you. While extremely endearing, you were minuscule compared to the giant man. You let out a yelp as the hug got a little too tight. Nesta then moved over to meet you as Rhysand pulled Cassian away, not before smacking him on the head, a gesture that made you smile. Nesta, thankfully, was much gentler than her mate.

“So you’re the one who couldn’t keep a secret huh?” you joked, finally feeling comfortable enough with everyone.

Cassian burst out laughing as Nesta’s eyes went wide. Furious, she turned to Azriel and smacked him across the chest,

“You know you can keep some things to yourself. You don’t have to report everything to her.”

“You’re just going to let her do that to your boyfriend in front of you?” Az asked incredulously. You only shrugged and said,

“Not my fight. You must choose your battles wisely. I thought you of all people would know that Azriel.”

“Cauldron, I do not need the two of you teaming up,” Azriel groaned.

“Payback’s a bitch brother. Maybe now you’ll have some sympathy for me for all the times you and Nesta ganged up on me.”

You were all about to sit down for dinner when a shorter female walked in. She wore a steel coloured dress and had short hair, with really intense features. Something about her exuded sharp elegance. As she walked over you extended a hand as you had to everyone else,

“Hello. I’m Y/N.”

The woman looked at you like you had grown a second head. The way she considered your hand made you think she was just shocked at your forwardness. Maybe you had been too presumptuous. Just as your resolve began to falter and you were about to embarrassingly pull your hand back, the woman extended hers. You felt Azriel and Rhysand release a sigh of relief at that, like they were expecting her to turn you down. That was strange. She was a bit more reserved than the others but she couldn’t be that bad could she?

“I’m Amren. So you’re the one this lot has been gossiping about all week.”

The rest of them broke out in protests and denials but you were just shocked they were actually that interested in you. As everyone sat down and started dinner, Amren said,

“I like her, Azriel. She has more balls than any of you. And better fashion sense as well.”

Silence spread through the room. Rhysand and Mor actually dropped the cutlery they were holding.

“Well Y/N, you are officially part of the family now that you have Amren’s stamp of approval. You should know that is the nicest thing she has said like... ever,” Cassian remarked.

“Yeah she doesn’t like a lot of people. It took her like five centuries for her to like us,” Mor added.

“Who said I like any of you? I like Nesta and Azriel well enough, that too because they know how to mind their own business, and his girlfriend’s fine too. The rest of you can rot in hell for all I care,” Amren snapped.

Once again everyone else started shouting at each other. Yelling out denials and obscenities. It was loud and crazy, just like a family should be.

Right now you sat at the dinner table with Mor and Nesta on either sides of you, and Azriel right in front of you. You gossiped with the two of them like you had known them for years, the barriers of formalities and strangeness long demolished.

You learned that Mor shared a love for fashion just like you. Discussing the latest dresses you had seen in boutiques and the best type of fabric for summer gowns. She showered you with endless compliments on your dress. And to think you had deemed it inadequate for tonight. Thank God you had listened to Azriel.

“Well actually Azriel picked my dress,” you told Mor.

“Damn. Azriel you never told me you were such a fashion diva,” Mor acknowledged. Rolling his eyes Azriel answered,

“I just helped her decide. She went and bought like twenty dresses and then couldn’t choose what to wear.”

“You bought twenty dresses? Why? Like I love shopping as much as the next girl but that seems a bit excessive for one dinner, no?” Mor inquired.

“Okay first of all you did not need to add that last part Azriel. And for your information there were ten dresses not twenty. Don’t over exaggerate!”

Then turning to Mor you continued,

“I really couldn’t decide what to wear tonight. And all the dresses I picked were so beautiful, it was hard to just pick one. And on top of that my friend Lexie, who I went shopping with, she had to go somewhere so I didn’t have that much time to decide in the store.”

“Well from now on, whenever you need go shopping you just ask me okay? I, for one, never get tired of browsing through stores,” Mor offered.

“By the way, I love your necklace. Where did you get it from?” she added.

“Oh, thank you! I didn’t get it. It was actually a gift from Azriel. He gave it to me just today,” you answered.

“Well well well. Look who turned out to be such a romantic!” Nesta commented.

In turn Cassian as well started teasing Azriel and patted him on the back, congratulating him on being such a “sappy asshole”, as Cassian put it.

Nesta then inquired about your bookshop and before you knew it, the two of you were deep in a conversation about your favourite books and authors, completely ignoring everyone else around you. Finally you had someone who shared your devotion to romance books. Lexie had never been a reader so you never had the chance to go rant to her about the latest book you had read. Much to your delight, Nesta was as much a fan of smutty romances as you. Cassian and Azriel, however, groaned at the revelation as they now had to bear the two of you squealing about the steamiest scenes between your favourite heroes and heroines. Nesta complained how she hadn’t been able to find the latest part in Sellyn Drake’s new romance trilogy.

“You know what, I think I have it at the shop. I just got a new order in of books and I’m sure the latest part was in it as well,” you pointed out.

“You’re kidding,” Nesta added breathlessly.

“No, I seriously think I have it,” you said.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been looking for that part. They didn’t even have it at the library. And that brutal cliff-hanger has been killing me!” Nesta whined.

“Trust me I know. I haven’t had the time to read it either. I’ll have Azriel bring you a copy.”

“Why? I’ll stop by the shop myself. Who doesn’t love a good trip to the bookstore. I’ll grab some for Em and Gwyn as well. The two will hog my book if they find out I got it before them,” Nesta explained. You hadn’t heard of those two so you asked Nesta about them,

“Those two are my friends, the closest ones I have really. They both stay at the Library with the priestesses. Honestly if you think I love Sellyn Drake, you should hear Gwyn rant about his writing. I’m sure she idolizes him,’ she explained. You laughed and replied,

“They sound amazing. I’d love to meet them some day.”

“Of course! You know what.. first I’ll drop by your bookstore and get all the books those two dummies want and then we can go visit them together!” Nesta exclaimed.

“That sounds lovely!”

Then turning to Azriel, Nesta ordered,

“Az, you have to bring your girlfriend to the library, I’ll take her to meet Gwyn and Emerie as well.”

Unable to argue, Azriel only nodded. The two of you then continued ranting about books before Rhysand had everyone move to the terrace for some wine. The terrace was lined with numerous chairs and lounges, glimmering lights glowed on the walls and the stars above provided a magnificent view.

You sat with Nesta once again, watching Azriel laugh along with Cassian and Mor. You heart swelled seeing him so happy. It was so rare for him to smile, and him laughing openly like this was even more rare. You basked in every smile, taking it all in and hiding it in your heart. The sound of his laugh was sweeter than anything else you had ever heard. You were so immersed in taking in your glorious boyfriend that you didn’t notice the High Lord take a seat next to you. It was only when he spoke up that you turned to him,

“It’s good seeing him happy like this. I assume we have you to thank for that.”

Your cheeks heated by the praise.

“Well I appreciate your kind words Rhysand, but I’m sure it’s not just me. He’s just happy to be with his family, that’s all,” you stammered out.

“Please call me Rhys. And as for Azriel... well he’s been with his family for almost five centuries now. But I have never seen him like this. So carefree, so relaxed and so.. so openly happy. Its like he can’t hide his exuberance.”

“Now you’re just flattering me Rhys. But I do agree with you. I’m honoured that I get to see him so happy, that too with me,” you expressed, hoping he would understand that you truly were grateful.

“It’s nothing you don’t deserve. I just wish this idiot had told us before so we could have met you earlier.”

“Well it’s not entirely Azriel’s fault. I wanted to wait as well before telling anyone. I didn’t even tell my best friend, Lexie, and she’s like the only family I have. I guess we just wanted some time to figure things out by ourselves, see where this relationship went. I mean there was no point in telling everyone if we just broke up in the end,” you rambled, realising you had maybe become a bit too frank with the High Lord. But Rhys eased all you worries by saying,

“That’s certainly not going to happen. It doesn’t take a genius to see how completely in love he is. You know, Azriel has never been one to wear his heart on his sleeve. But with you... it’s so obviously clear that he’s devoted to you. You can see it in his eyes, his smile. So I guess what I’m trying to say is... thank you for making my brother so happy. And you are a part of our family now, I hope you know that.”

“Ok that’s it. Stop it or I’m going to cry. And if you ruin my makeup I’m never talking to any of you again,” you let out while wiping your eyes, trying to stop the inevitable tears. God you were such a baby.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Rhysand laughed.

.........................................................................................

Before you knew it, it was midnight and you were saying goodbye to everyone, which included bear hugs from everyone once again. While Amren didn’t hug you, she did ask Azriel to bring you around again, saying she wanted to see more of your gorgeous clothes. Her compliment once again shocked everyone else but you only beamed at the praise, happy that even someone as stoic as her liked you. But then again you were dating the Shadowsinger. Maybe you had a knack for making closed off people like you.

Nesta and Mor gave equally long hugs. Nesta once again ordered to be brought to your shop by Azriel. You insisted on this as well, eager to have someone you could go crazy about books with. Then lastly Cassian gave you another bone crushing hug which was intercepted by Azriel this time. After which you finally moved to bid goodbye to the High Lord and Lady.

Feyre insisted you drop by again as soon as possible.

“These assholes kept you all to themselves tonight. We barely had any time to talk. Do stop by again, maybe when all these idiots are not around,” Feyre cajoled, much to everyone else’s displeasure. You went to give Rhysand a warm hug goodbye, one which he returned with as much joy. To think you had been so nervous to meet him. He really wasn’t what you had expected. Instead his love for Azriel and his family made you admire him even more. His hearty welcome into their family was all you needed to rest your doubtful heart.

You walked out of the house with Azriel after bidding everyone farewell. Once again without any warning, Azriel grabbed you and shot up into the sky. You shrieked at his suddenness yet again,

“AZRIEL! You know I hate it when you do that!!”

“I know. That’s why I do it,” the asshole bellowed.

“So.. how was tonight?” Azriel asked nervously.

“It was great! They were all so nice and welcoming. I have no idea why I was so worried. They were nothing like what I was expecting.”

“Told you so,” he remarked.

“Yeah, yeah. You can brag later asshole,” you shot back at him.

In response, Azriel only tightened his grip and dived sharply before shooting up to the sky again. And you screamed again in the poor man’s ear. How he wasn’t deaf yet was beyond you.

However this time when he flew the two of you back up to the clouds, you didn’t hide or close your eyes. No, instead you took in the beauty of Velaris below. The glowing lights of the bustling city below, busy with people heading home for the day. The stars above gazed down at us like silver asters, glinting and shimmering. They danced with the clouds in an ethereal, ancient song, happy in their solar isolation. The iridescent light of the moon made them glow even brighter.

But all that was nothing compared to the beauty in your arms; Azriel. The epitome of every beautiful thing in this world. Someone who had gone through unimaginable pain but still loved so fiercely. He had tore down the barriers around his heart and laid it bare for you to take. You now understood the meaning behind Rhysand’s words when he had told you of his brother’ love and when he had thanked you for it. The unsaid meaning now clear as you flew through the stars,

‘Hold him gently in your hands. He has been cracked enough as it is, and his heart his more shattered then he let’s on. So love him, and do not leave him.

You wouldn’t, you never would leave him. As you watched yourself fall even deeper for him, you had a sudden realisation. Azriel was one of those rare people in this world who, despite attempting to appear strong and unbreakable( which he was no doubt ), were soft enough to feel every terrible thing that happens to them so deeply and are still brave enough to remain constant and suffer for those who need them the most. Even the stars blink in awe of the gleam of their souls, just like you.

This amazing, strong, blessing of a man was yours. All yours. What good deed had you done to be deserve an angel like him? You may never know, but you would always be grateful.

“I love you Azriel, so much.”

Azriel turned to look at you at your sudden confession. A slow smile making it’s way to his face, eyes glistening with unshed tears. Azriel had never needed words to express himself to you. His eyes had always been a window to his soul. And right now, the devotion and admiration evident in them would have made you fall to your knees had you been standing.

He then whispered, the stars the only witnesses to his confession,

“I love you too, my nightingale. Now and Always,”

“Now and Always.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: So the awaited part 2 is finally here! It's a lot different from part 1 and i had a lot of fun with it. It's not exactly what I had planned but i like how it turned out. I literally stayed up till 6 am last night finishing this so ya'll better show it some love. Seriously tho if you have any thoughts on the writing, story, characters or whatever, do leave a comment! Any and all constructive criticism helps and considering this is my first time writing reader fics, it will help even more. So please please like and leave a comment. It makes my day. And like always: if you can read you can reblog.

Taglist: @mooncleaver @bibliophilelife124 @cheshmetkoshgele @elegantranchcowboytree @certainpiratebear @meher-sumedha @famousbasementpainter @cynicalpotato95 @b7717

[babygurleddiediaz]

hey so i cannot stress enough how (stupidly) high my expectations were going into the finale. i was flying high on the back of 817 and the thirst tweets video and then immediately dedicated myself to a social media ban until i watched the episode the following evening so i didn’t get spoiled and in that time well YES! i did manage to convince myself i was about to get everything i had ever dreamed for the conclusion of this season 🙂‍↕️

ANYWAY i’m seeing lots of valid criticism for this episode and i have a list of issues as long as my arm, THIS POST is ONLY about how i think maybe we shouldn’t be crashing out over “i put in for a transfer… [the 118 is] just a number” and “it was never really my home” because actually this is in character for buck

put it under a cut because this got a bit longer than i expected lol

(firstly, quick note to say i do think the press this past week or so was more about upfronts and s9 than the finale but that wasn’t clear and we’re not to be blamed for sky high expectations after that. anyway, i am of the belief we’re on our way to buddie canon so the buddie focus makes sense)

imho these two statements are not at all ooc for buck and upon reflection they actually make sense with where he’s at rn.

first i think we need to have a quick talk re. 817. buck confesses that he feels lost and unable to bring the 118 together, we have the incredible kitchen fight and then the wonderful buckley-diaz family scene. the crux of buck’s (and eddie’s, but this is about buck and i have to ignore my princess somewhat) issues is never actually resolved or addressed. eddie recognises how lonely and unmoored buck feels and he acknowledges that he was mean in their fight and brings chris and pepa to remind buck he does have a family which is lovely but they never actually talk through the actual problems they have with one another. it’s also entirely separate to the 118. we don’t see anything actually change there, THEY aren’t coming together to eat a meal, ya know?

so yeah, there’s the issue that eddie left and came back, left and came back (with chris and pepa) but he’s still going to leave again. so buck’s main issues in 817 re the 118 are unresolved, he had a temporary reprieve with eddie, chris and pepa, and then we open 818 and it’s eddie’s LEAVING party. i know WE all know that eddie bringing chris back for buck was him once again giving buck his heart and showing buck that THIS is is family but buck doesn’t asdfghjkl. nothing, especially the kitchen fight, was really resolved in 817 imo because the pair of them are still making assumptions about each other instead of actually saying, in plain english, what they mean, want and feel.

all this considered, plus the fact that buck blowing up and isolating himself from the 118 has been established as a trauma response previously (lawsuit era), the transfer comment makes sense. ultimately, the transfer is more about what buck perceives as his own failings and feelings (“they’re going to need you” but he thinks they don’t, he feels useless that he can’t help, he feels they aren’t the 118 without bobby and eddie).

now let’s think about the “it was never really my home anyway” comment because when buck says this, he’s actually in the same place emotionally! eddie and chris are coming home (!!) but not for/because of him (FROM HIS POV - also need to note here that i do think buck always wanted this to be CHRISTOPHER’S decision and this whole time he had been pushing for and supporting eddie to get them to this place) - chim asked and eddie decided to come back (now this i am crashing out over). also, chim brought the 118 back together with his (brilliant, wow Kenny) speech.

i think he still feels insecure with eddie and chris and that’s why he’s said this. subconsciously he knows what the diaz home is to him and it’s why he’s looking for a replica but he’s still unsure of his place with chris and eddie. he was allowed to live in their home while they were gone, like a placeholder, to keep it warm for them, but they’re back now and he doesn’t know how he fits. yes we had “this is eddie’s house, i’m not really a guest” but to me, this isn’t buck asserting it as his home - not really guest but he can’t identify what he is because he needs to be told explicitly.

OKAY STAY WITH ME BECAUSE ALL OF THIS MEANS WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT ✨THE WILL✨

sorry i need to talk about eddie for a bit now, my pookie 🩷🩷

to eddie, adding buck to his will as chris’s legal guardian in the event of his death was an act of profound trust and devotion. to him, he’s tying buck to his little family, literally giving him his heart and notarising what buck means to them in the eyes of the law (because of course he can’t marry buck to make this happen, my sweet closeted angel). “you think you’re expendable, but you’re wrong.” eddie is telling buck just how precious he is to him and chris. because he cannot/will not recognise that what he feels for buck goes beyond friendship, this is the best he can do (when what he really wants to do is marry him lmao)

unfortunately, i do think buck is hearing “you’re not expendable, look - you’re needed in the event that i’m gone” and once again, buck is a placeholder.

we need the will conversation to happen again, for eddie to explicitly explain he was tying buck to them FOR LIFE not only in the event of death. we need these assumptions to be acknowledged and debunked and this is how we get feelings realisation and confession truuuust 🙂‍↕️

anyway, congrats if you made it this far/sorry??? i don’t know how much sense this actually makes

gonna be very brave for a second and say that sometimes you have to put aside “he wouldn’t say that” and ask “why would he say that”