#the emotional damage i went thru to make this one...

[raplinenthusiasts]

beast mode: ON

[tapioca-puddingg]

Master Eraqus Ain't Shit

So I decided to wake up and choose violence today.

"Oh brother, this guy stinks!"

In Dark Road, we see that Eraqus has always had the same black and white mentality. He’s always believed that only light should exist, and that darkness should be destroyed. Even Xehanort, who was the same age as him, could understand that there needs to be a balance between light and darkness.

And even well into his old age, Eraqus never changed his mindset.

This line of thinking was so pervasive that it stopped him from making Terra a keyblade master. If Terra had never visibly manifested his darkness, it’s possible that both him and Aqua could’ve been made keyblade masters. Not that I’m blaming Terra or anything, I’m just sayin.

Xehanort told Terra in Radiant Garden that he could study under Eraqus for years, and yet he would never make him a master. I think he’s 100% right.

Both Terra and Aqua would end up internalizing this mindset in different ways:

Since he was on the receiving end of the darkness slander, Terra developed a deep insecurity. And some of the villains, especially Xehanort, were able to take advantage of him partially as a result of this insecurity and partially due to his own naivety. His journey was all about finding out how to control it, but bc he wasn’t properly mentored on how to do so, he failed.

Aqua took on this mentality along with Eraqus’s self-righteousness. She was about to prematurely attack or possibly even kill Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, and Drizella if she hadn’t been stopped by Fairy Godmother. And later on, I feel like this mentality contributed to her thinking differently of Terra. But then again, there was a lot of miscommunication between the three of them. And that miscommunication caused a rift in their friendship.

And with Ventus, when Eraqus learned that Xehanort was planning on using him to form the X-blade, his immediate response was to kill him. Albeit, with some remorse.

Like sir, that’s your friend. You decided to let him back into your life after he wrote that sorry ass apology letter to you. You invited him back into your home. That means he manipulated you too. If he’s the one that’s putting your kids in danger, you need to go after him, not Ventus.

Imagine for a second if Terra had arrived too late (or didn’t arrive at all) and Eraqus succeeded in killing Ventus. The amount of emotional damage that would’ve done to him and Aqua is unfathomable. He put both Ven and Terra in so much danger. Yes, in the end, he realized the atrocity that he almost committed, but it was too little too late. He was lucky that the best-case-scenario happened. Well, I guess the best-case-scenario would have been for all of them to survive and jump Xehanort, but it's better that the kids survived.

As a follow up to that, imagine if Terra lost the fight and was killed. Eraqus is a master keyblader after all, so he's no slouch in battle. He whooped my ass many times when I played it recently. But anyways, that could’ve been two bodies on Eraqus’ hands. He is so unfit to be a mentor to anyone.

SPOILERS for Dark Road: now given what Eraqus and Xehanort went thru in DR, it makes sense as to why he would have such an extreme response to darkness. The fact that darkness is what killed their classmates, and the fact that Xehanort had to put down Baldur himself when he got corrupted. That moment would change the both of them forever. And any child would be deeply traumatized in seeing their friends get murdered on by one. But it doesn’t excuse what he attempted to do. Again, he put the lives of two of his three students in danger.

As a rewrite for this scene, maybe he could’ve contacted Aqua and told her to come home immediately once he realized what was happening. Maybe go to Yen Sid’s tower and link up with Mickey, Donald and Goofy, and the six of them plan a coordinated jumping on Xehanort. Sometimes ppl need to be jumped, you know? Like “Hey, Xehanort has gone off the deep end. He nearly used Ven to try to form the X-blade. We need to stop him before he tries this again.”

EDIT: I did really enjoy the reunion scene in KH3. It was nice that the Wayfinder trio at least got to see him one last time.

And in his character file, Terra feels immense guilt and wants Eraqus's forgiveness. I can only imagine the amount of guilt one would feel after an experience like that. There was no way he could predict the consequence of being Xehanort's pawn for 10 years.

But as a childhood trauma survivor, I know as much as the next survivor that you don't owe your parents/parental figures forgiveness. They owe you. Eraqus should've been the one asking for Terra's forgiveness, not the other way around.

I think bc he's presented as one of the "good guys" some folks may have been quick to overlook some of his actions.

But then again, if he did everything perfectly, this wouldn’t be as interesting to talk about.

TDLR: Eraqus fucked around and found out

Thanks for coming to my TED talk

[wereoz]

@cnka i wanted to reply to ur question abt my thoughts on the tsn doc on my actual post but the tags were so insanely long i was like. i need to make an actual post

SO IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

first off, wow im just so astounded by the fervent love that went into making tsn. it was a risk and so unlike other projects fincher and anyone else there had done but w/ their commitment to it it turned out SO amazingly. the fact they sat around a table and argued for hours abt how the lines fit and everyone could make their case is just. WOW!!!! they really made sure everyone understood and loved playing their characters.

erica's and christies actresses werent very common appearances like mark but they really went all in too im in AWE!! NOT TO MENTION MARYLINS WOW!! rooney mara really just. god she went so hard into making sure all of ericas kindness and leniency and frustration were so clear, she was so focused in the behind the scenes footage and obviously having so much fun <33 i love that brenda song was able to relate to christie's jealousy and fear eduardo was cheating. the fact all the actors ARE the characters ages and are as chaotic and fierce and dedicated and ambitious makes it soooo<3333 rashida jones describing marilyn as a greek chorus just watching hit SO hard. the second hand experience of this young man going through this epic tale by just hearing it thru testimony is a crazy thing. the act of listening is so simple but becomes so emotional even as everyone wants to keep it professional

on the twins: i find it so wonderful that the actors armie and josh played both twins. it just WORKS bc twins take the 'know u better than u do' that siblings have and take it to absolutely insane levels. the fact these actors have literally got access to both the twins minds takes the performance to a whole new level like those twins know each other inside and out!!!! its a meta thing that goes truly crazy.

you have already seen me say the bts of the erica and mark breakup truly kills me bc. he is being an asshole and not listening and the fact he doesn’t mean to doesn’t change that he is. she has to leave, but it’s so sad that she does bc… fincher calling him 'damaged goods' implies a universe where whatever makes him like this isnt present. where maybe he’s fine. so. GOD :’(( (i think it’s autism + the bad life experiences that come from that & being queer + the bad life experiences that come from that, heightened by the era)

on a more positive note i love that on set picking out the accessories andrew says ‘i’ when hes speaking as eduardo. he’s really dedicated to the role its great. also that he and jesse had conversations in character like these 20 year olds r crazy truly. love them for that !!

during the whole thing, everyone is so suspicious, and condemning to mark: like, noting that he is driven by ego, jesse jokes mark is okay with the cold because he doesn’t feel anything, and also, there’s a part when sorkin, fincher, andrew, and jesse are sitting around and talking about the scene where mark & eduardo argue abt ads. essentially, they make the argument that mark always says ‘i’ when eduardo says ‘we’ because in his mind, eduardo hasn’t contributed much at all. while mark is up coding for hours straight, eduardo is at some phoenix thing so? what gives?

so i was reframing my understanding of mark (which. is very indulgent cus i love him), and trying to get as close to his brain as i could and i was coming up with him generally being pretty… hard on the outside for lack of a better word. he’s not traditionally intimidating (like the script states) but its hard to crack him and you can really see this with jesse’s physicality like he’s so stiff. that’s pretty innocuous but i think this is something he uses to put distance between him and his loved ones- very frustrating. and i think every time i realise how much mark is an asshole i remember so many reasons why they added *trying to be.

when fincher called him damaged goods it’s like. the most in the doc people give him the benefit of the doubt (also sorkin saying he wanted to balance out all of mark’s character). which is pretty good because marks good traits are supposed to be very subtle and hit you when you don’t expect it. that’s very much how i felt when i suddenly remembered ‘sorry. that was mean.’ he truly is just trying to be an asshole. he wants to be nicer than he is but he also wants more power than he does and as someone who felt pretty powerless the rest of his life, that trumps the rest. he really thinks he can have both experiences, power and love, and he just hates that every time he takes a step in one direction it cancels out the other. this actually really fits in well w/ my next point

i also want to say that the fact mark videoing everyone was explained as him wanting to force proof that everything is fine, and they’re happy is making me so :(( MARK!!!! :(( he is so. i mean its two things: its the ‘i won, but did i?’ of it all. mark won the argument but its a hollow victory, being some sillicon valley titan isn’t emotionally fulfilling, it will never be enough. especially not when its costing him a good friend. the way the end is laced throughout the entire movie is so sick to me

re marks bullshit i also love how they mentioned that marks jealousy about the final clubs is more than just wanting to be in eduardo’s position its like - i thought we had some loser solidarity and now its like you’re a whole different person. its less of a horrible feeling when ur at the bottom with someone and mark feels betrayed. ofc mark doesn’t feel safe to express this emotion (bc bullied nerd boy whos probs bi in the 2000s), or doesn’t know that’s what he’s feeling, and decides it’s eduardo’s fault and freezes him out for it.

this is just off the top of my head i certainly have more and will probably talk more abt this lovely doc again :^))

[oetscop]

i found some random rainer lore in my drafts HI ^}^

- both times he went missing, he was in a dissociative fugue and has very little memory of before and during running off. the first time, he came to while digging in a random field. he couldnt find his car and assumed he was still in connecticut but was, in fact, on the coast in rhode island! nobody has seen him since the second time he walked off. anna is realistically sure that hes dead, but jill remains in denial. its not easy losing both your sons.

- he didnt actually die in the Mark's bathroom, but he almost did. it left him with nerve damage and cognitive issues bc he was deprived of oxygen for a short period if time. not that he didnt already have issues with impulse control and shit but his coordination was fucked. he had to relearn how to properly use a computer again. his quality of life plummeted.

- while he can still see stuff up close, he is legally blind. got them thick ass glasses but even with them not everything is clear. when anna would have him babysit care, she got him that bright green key to make it easier to tell it apart from his own house key.

- on that note, he babysat care quite a bit shortly before and after mike passed away.

- hes also really good with kids. youd think he would come off as kinda unsettling just bc of how flat he can be, but he rly doesnt. part of that is due in part to mike being born while he was in his teens, and babysitting care. when the school was still up and running, marvin pushed to have daniels "petscop kids" program set up there. thats where most of his playtesters came from.

- when marvin hit the dog (who ive named jack lol), he was driving drunk with care in her carseat in the back. when he couldnt get ahold of anna, he would show up to the hammond household trying to talk to her thru jill. it had happened three times by then, but this time he hit the dog and got the car (anna's car) stuck in a snow bank directly in front of them. daniel watched it happen but didnt see care until he went outside. he ended up pulling marvin out of the car and verbally attacking him before shoving him onto the driveway. jill had to pull him off, and both care and mike saw the whole thing. its one of the few times he outwardly expressed any emotion, which is pretty scary knowing hes never been a violent person.

- the other time was shortly before christmas 1997. anna got sick of daniel coming to the house just to try to convince her that care is lina reborn, since a lot of those ideas came from marvins own delusions. she didnt really feel safe with him anywhere near care. he broke into the garage and she was having to hold the door shut while hes just. screaming and slamming against the door sobbing bc he put so much into trying to save her. begging for even just a photo of her. refusing to be cut off after everything he put himself thru.

[furiousgoldfish]

Hi, just a little reminder to everyone who has attempted to message me or talk to me, and didn't get a reply or didn't get a reply they wanted.

I often have people messaging me expecting instant friendship and emotional support and talking to me as if we already knew each other. I don't think this is done with ill intent, but I do want to gently remind everyone that we are complete strangers when interacting online, and that I cannot grant anyone instant friendship; to me you are a person I don't know. I will talk to you as a stranger would. Even if you've been reading my words and taking solace and imagining a friend telling them to you, to me you are someone I've never met or known, and I cannot function as an emotional support on a personal level to strangers. It ultimately is not helpful for you to convince yourself that a stranger on the internet is your personal friend, or to push that stranger into trying to act the part; I am unable to fulfill this role. I am not emotionally well myself, and I do not have a support system, so being put in a situation where I'm expected to be one for a stranger feels unhealthy.

Another thing I'd love for everyone to remember is, that I don't have all of the answers. I love to help where I can, but ultimately I am a person in a lot of distress, trying to deal with multiple disorders without any access to therapy or even friends who understand what I'm going thru. I am isolated and posting on this blog is often all I have. If I knew how to get rid of trauma, how to deal with disorders, how to not be sick or in pain, how to evade abuse or how to feel okay, I would use this advice to fix my own life. But I am sadly, lost like the rest of us.

There are times where I am in too much distress to talk to anyone, if you sent me a message and it went unanswered, it is very likely that I was in a state so bad I could not communicate. I will usually recover from it within several weeks, but by that time I feel bad even reminding someone they've sent me a message, it feels asinine to try and reply so late. And it reminds me of the period where I felt bad looking at the message, unable to respond. I'm not ignoring messages on purpose. If you try again some time later, you're likely to get a reply, if I'm in a good state of mind.

However, if you send me a big number of messages at once, start talking about your issues without asking if it's okay first, send several messages without a reply and then keep sending them and demanding a reply, put pressure on me to communicate with you, try to guilt me into giving you an answer you want, or assuming I'm maliciously ignoring you, you've made me uncomfortable and I have to listen to my instincts and stop talking to you.

I am sensitive to anger, aggression, ranting, swearing, slur-use, and doing that in a conversation with me it will make me feel threatened. Because we're strangers, and any stranger acting like I'm an acceptable target to take their anger at is dangerous. We are not friends, and dealing with angry strangers is terrifying. In that situation I have to do what I would advise anyone else to do - leave the conversation.

The last issue is with people attempting to trigger me on purpose, pretending they need help then defending abusers, trying to convince me that all of my resources are harmful and doing nothing but damage, or trying to get me to delete my content, change my posts, advocating for abusers, siding with my abusers, telling me I'm a monster, insisting they're victimized by me unless I personally disprove my smear campaign to them, and generally trying to get me to lash out in order to post it online to claim I should be cancelled. That is the worst thing you could be doing to a traumatized abuse victim. I am a person, of course I sometimes say something wrong and not well thought and put out. That doesn't mean anything I ever do to help others is worthless and should be erased. And you will not convince me that my blog is useless or harmful. It helps me. And I am someone too.

[cicada-circuitry]

I'd like to hear more about "acute problems in life-ruining mentorships / lessons in the advanced physics of self-sabotage" and "trapped-in-a-closet fic" 🥰

hi hi hi hello again!!! thank you so much for indulging me i am having way too much fun being given excuses to ramble about the wip pile

12. acute problems in life-ruining mentorships / lessons in the advanced physics of self-sabotage [placeholding multiple half-formed title variations on that theme] is the absolute dumping ground for every single Aleida / Margo mentorship related thought and emotion i had on second watch thru. suffers from... being a completely disconnected set of thoughts and emotions related to Aleida and Margo's mentorship i had on second watchthru haha. and from being very split in tone between some like, 'people on the outside looking in have gotten the completely objectively hilariously wrong impression about these two's relationship' bits (e.g. the multiple boyfriends who literally come in and out of Aleida's life across seasons 1-3 in direct reverse proportionality to how much she's working with Margo) and some more serious stuff (a la "You got in my head, Margo! Then never! Left! Your voice just... pushing me, telling me how to live up to you then shooting me down the second I was starting to succeed, over and over and over and—" which we'll call an excerpt of this one!)

13. trapped-in-a-closet fic is a margo/molly fic I actually really really want to finish!! the scenario is like right there at the end of S2 ok like it would actually make more sense if the reason that storage room was left open for Aleida to overhear Tracy and Gordo trying to make contact on the old comm was because that closet has a busted lock right??

honestly the only strugg with this one is trapped-in-a-closet is generally not the trope you apply on top of a situation as sad and serious as the end of s2 but listen you can get trapped in a closet for uncomfortably close-quarters grief and anger just as well as Other Things!!

start of the trapped-in-a-closet fic under the cut!

As soon as communication was reestablished with Pathfinder, Margo spotted Molly booking it out of Mission Control. 

Mid-conversation with Bill, she briefly closed her eyes. She knew where Molly was going. Three of her astronauts might be safe now, but two were still unaccounted for. She had to debrief with Ellen, but made her excuses two minutes in, and went after her. 

Sure enough, she found Molly hunched over the shelving, illuminated in outline by that staticky glow. Speaking on repeat: “Stevens? Stevens, do you read me?” 

She said it three times while Margo hovered in the doorway, working up the courage to tell her it was no use. 

When Molly’s voice broke on “Gordo? Tracy?” she stepped inside and closed the door. 

“Hey.” 

Molly’s head whipped around towards her. “Shit.” 

She held up her hands. “Didn’t mean to sneak up. I can see you’re very focused. But, Molly. You saw the timer. Even if they made it back in, the damage they’d’ve taken in almost twenty seconds of hard vacuum? In the Lunar day?” 

Molly glared at her. “I’m not giving them up for dead until someone shows me a damn body, Margo.” She leaned back towards the mic, voice harsh. “Gordo, if you’re ignoring me just to get even after I swapped out your liquor stash, so help me I’ll—” 

It was heartbreaking, how Molly’s voice cracked just then. 

[limpfisted]

So in dnd canon player characters CANT turn into devils. And in fact, if bg3 went by regular rules, wyll would just have been punished by having a few devil features

But the game INSISTS his soul was dragged thru hell and he's a devil now

Tbh this makes no sense bc he doesn't look like any of the many kinds of devils. He just has horns and a tiefling eye

But there are fun ways to play with wyll and being a devil regardless

As well as the fact that his "soul" is owned by a devil

So here's a quick round up of some of my own homebrew wyll is an actual devil now hcs

Wyll is naturally lawful good. As a devil, he is tempted ever more by violence and taking advantage of others, but also "deals." While wyll cannot make a contract himself, he is hungry and greedy for high emotional connection and intimate promises. His own charred, damaged, and sold soul longs to nibble and draw the energy off of others, almost vampirically.

He doesn't act on these feelings. It doesn't mean he doesn't have them. Wyll even before the transformation was a person about control and repression. He thought he could CHOOSE and take advantage of his powers with mizora, the tadpoles, etc. Ironically, it may be his transformation into a devil and the want to make "deals" that helps nudge him in the direction of wanting to deal with mizora more to get out of his contract

Physical symptoms

Devils are hot, devils are smelly. Wyll is not used to his own blood and heat and smell. Its overwhelming. He feels feverish near constantly, he's almost always slightly damp with sweat

The weight of his horns and the new positions he has to sleep in give him headaches, and muscle aches. Hes used to being sore, but this is a new extra level hes not used to

In general I have the hc that bc mizora had a grip on his soul---he felt an icy grip in his chest and stomach all the time that made him feel uncomfortably full all the time, sometimes to the point of nausea

Now he STILL has that, but now he also feels hungry all the time, in a way food can't fill

There's also in general mood swings

Wyll is a very clean person who takes great care of himself and the way he presents himself

As a transmasc person going thru a THIRD puberty of sorts, he is now even more methodical about his skin care routine. He hates how much he sweats and he hates how he smells and he hates that his teeth don't fit in his mouth and he has to practice saying all the pretty things he wants to say even more than he already does in his head

Also its a cop out he turns back into a human, thats boring, these changes are just Forever and he gets used to them

In general I think wyll is growing wings! For a fun treat. Over time, wyll will be able to develop his own powers as a devil. He doesn't have mizora, but also he doesn't need her. He has claws and fangs and can develop his own magic if he practices. He doesn't know how to, so this would be an extremely long process that would probably only take place in his blade of avernus path

Tho he doesn't realize it he is now also functionally immortal except if he is killed in Hell

Why would mizora do this to him, u ask. Give him all this power. Its clearly not just a punishment

Well he wasn't supposed to get out of his contract... it was just a sneak preview of his life when he died and got sent to the blood war. These past 7 years wyll HAS been fighting the blood war as one of zariels minions honestly. I dont think mizora or zariel ever thought he would legimately break his pact. And even if he did. Hes a 26 year old human with a good, good, self sacrificial heart who thinks he can take on any evil and HAS to. Hes easy to manipulate

And furthermore. I think zariel and mizora have been watching "the heart of baldurs gate" all his life just waiting to strike

There are ends for wyll where he's in a pact with a devil, and is a devil, and is the grand Duke of baldurs gate

Even if wyll ISNT the grand Duke of baldurs gate

His father talks about being hellstouched himself now! (A story for another time, he says)

Wylls Origin bio straight up says he's a pawn in a war he doesn't understand

Will we ever know the hells plans for wyll! No! But I doubt even getting out of his pact is as big a wrench in mizora and zariel's plans as we are led to believe. If mizora legit cared that wyll wasn't in a pact anymore. Why is she still fucking here. (Go away no one wants u here wench. But I digress.)

[consumed-by-fandom]

Every time I try to explain anything about my interpretation of DIDude it gets too long so here it is in a nutshell (put it under a cut because it’s still kind of long):

P1 is the first dude, went thru a lot of trauma and is the most mentally ill. Is the host of the system until he becomes too unwell and a danger to society (Postal 1) which he then goes dormant. Half because he thinks his work is done and half because he’s absolutely fucking disgusted by what he’s done. Doesn’t come back until like 6 years later when P2’s general incompetence forces him to be a protector of sorts. Get blown back into dormancy by P2 shooting himself, doesn’t come back until 12 ish years later. Trauma holder, can be a bit of a persecutor when pushed.

P2 forms in P1’s childhood and is seen by P1 as a “demon” due to heavy religious trauma, eventually just straight up tells P1 he’s just some guy not a demon. Emotionally detached from everything P1 went through, okay with violence, has an issue with addiction and relationships, and takes over as host when P1 goes dormant. Basically just the “main” Dude. Mellows out over the years and realises violence doesn’t always have to be the answer. Acts as a protector when he isn’t the host.

Alt forms during P2’s radiation coma, he’s pretty much what’s seen in Paradise Lost, snarky, smartass, and takes P2’s trauma as a memory holder. Even more emotionally detached than P2 and feels emotions as shadow and fleeting. Surprisingly good with people but can’t mask for shit due to his accent and the way he acts around others. Can use his brain to get out of situations without resorting to violence. In my timeline I make him return to P2 instead of wandering off just because otherwise it would present a massive issue for Dude (severe amnesia and general hijinks with a double). Technically the only one with a source (Postal 3 being the coma dream)

The Dude in Brain Damaged is what happens when P1, P2 and P3 eventually fuse after years of working out their issues. Just a more solid Dude who actively sorts out his problems and tries to be a bit better with his anger issues and violent tendencies. Other Dude is those violent tendencies and symptoms, along with repressed trauma and all that put into an alter. He’s a persecutor who builds an inner world to force Dude to confront his flaws and past. Very misguided - he wants to help Dude overcome his problems, but thinks beating some sense into him is the best way. (He tries to get Dude to understand he will always be a part of him, so rather trying to fight him he has to accept him)

When Dude finally does that and spends some quality time not blowing OD’s head off, they reconcile and after a few more years of working together they eventually fuse to become P4 Dude. P4 is like the ultimate Dude with a lot more self control and is finally maturing a little. Still is the Dude so he still does dumb shit like pissing on people and violence, but he’s got a much better outlook on the world and people and he has a lot more patience with them now.

[xivu-arath]

in the "So my problem with most ‘get to know your character’ questioneers " questioneer, 1 thru 5 for oni and omen whenever u want!! i am Always thinking about your exos they just exist in my brain now in the background doing their thing

been sitting on this for ages for a spare moment... thanks eux!

(ask meme)

oni-42

1) What is the character’s go-to drink order? (this one gets into how do they like to be publicly perceived, because there is always some level of theatricality to ordering drinks at a bar/resturant)

bright and energizing, but not weird (though she likes to request monstrosities of drinks when in a good mood). cocktails with a bit of a kick and bellinis

2. What is their grooming routine? (how do they treat themselves in private)

oni is finicky about how she looks, so she has a whole, very polished maintenance routine! she finetunes her systems, checks over for any dents or scratches, touches up her paint. she even has little toolsets for back when she did patrols, or now if she needs to fix something up while running errands for eva

generally the only thing she feels she has exact control over is her appearance, so she's... exacting about that. it's reassuring

3. What was their most expensive purchase/where does their disposable income go? (Gets you thinking about socio-economic class, values, and how they spend their leisure time)

fashion!! honestly she can't prevent herself from putting off big purchases and making sure she has funds to fall back on just in case, but she will shell out for fancy shaders or aesthetic body mods

4. Do they have any scars or tattoos? (good way to get into literal backstory) 

no, oni is actually very scrupulous on cleaning up and filling in any kind of scarring damage. the idea of looking at it and not remembering what it came from terrifies her. tattoo-wise she'll mess around with temporary designs, but never keeps any for long

5. What was the last time they cried, and under what circumstances? (Good way to get some *emotional* backstory in.)

during the red war, when the light returned and she started picking up on vanguard transmissions about ghaul's defeat. she doesn't like to talk about it, and still isn't sure just what she was feeling more, relief or guilt or anger... it was just a Lot. most of her emotional reactions skip right over crying, so this was a big deal for her

omen-5 

1) What is the character’s go-to drink order? (this one gets into how do they like to be publicly perceived, because there is always some level of theatricality to ordering drinks at a bar/resturant)

...water? not that xe can usually be found in restaurants to begin with, but this would be xyr go-to if xe went

2. What is their grooming routine? (how do they treat themselves in private)

omen does not have one! at most xe will get rid of bits of dirt and debris, and wash off any obvious stains (mostly because boon would rather xe did this)

3. What was their most expensive purchase/where does their disposable income go? (Gets you thinking about socio-economic class, values, and how they spend their leisure time)

entirely literally, the only thing omen tends to buy is mixed birdseed in bulk to scatter for the flocks near xyr home in winter. xe also does not have much income to speak of (courier and retrieval requests are usually more barters than anything else, though xe keeps track of how much glimmer xe needs for the birdseed and will specifically get as much for that reason)

4. Do they have any scars or tattoos? (good way to get into literal backstory) 

does the tree arm count as a scar?? otherwise no, omen has been through a lot but it's all been repaired

5. What was the last time they cried, and under what circumstances? (Good way to get some *emotional* backstory in.) 

good question! I don't think omen has ever cried (probably the simulated feeling of doing so is still in there somewhere). not that xe doesn't feel emotions that would warrant crying, but expressing them has always been something that doesn't come easily to xem

[osangue]

i don't think i've ever felt so hopeless in being unlovable. i'm so ashamed of how i look that i've spent four years hiding from everyone. everyone in my collective took a polaroid together at the park armory where we had a film screen and the hugs and smiles made me feel like a ghost. the pandemic turned me agoraphobic and i kept myself alive thru emotional eating. i've became a sponge for everyone's suffering in my family and i'm tired of carrying and soaking it up. it's made me so depressed. for the first time i feel like it's not worth being creative and i've never lost that light in particular, that match has never gone out. i don't feel i have anything worthy of saying in the middle of the times i feel like i've wasted my life and i'm too deep in the hole to ever crawl out of it. i keep making breakfast and thinking of these lives you hear about where the persons are shut ins like in japan and it's like yeah maybe no one will see me in person ever again except my dog. i feel so damaged and fucked up and ugly. i think if anyone wanted to touch me i would auto feel like so disgusted by it but wow my timeline has been nothing but BL gifs of men kissing passionately and it just feels like that's past for me. i finally applied for healthcare after being without for like 5 years just because i want the fucking ozempic idc anymore. my sister n her gf are skinny now because of it and i just will begin exhausting myself at the gym while im in san salvador idk hate that gay men are fascists about bodies but it just doesn't feel like i have another choice but to make that deal with the devil. the last time i got a massage i like quietly cried face down because it had been so long since someone touched me. i've felt like such a ghost that it completely felt crazy to have someone's warmth like that. it fucked me up. i saw photos of myself in peak eating dis0rder as a teen and wow idk if my brain will ever get over that upbringing n the immense self hatred. sayr3 went to see the film expecting to run into me. the place paid my flight n hotel n gave me a stipend n i chose not to go because i just don't want to be seen. i feel like my appearance is an afront to others. it feels like that. im dreading living with kenia now that it's closer like what if my mental illness swallows the shared house. idk i guess i invited her to colive because otherwise i probably would ooooofff myself if i had the house ONLY to myself. i think i just need to cry the entire first week i get there. am i meant to just suffer like if men aren't assaulting me, it's them fetishizing me or never asking me for my needs in bed idk sex is so disgusting to me now. it just seems like violence n like someone using me idk i keep joking its femcel fall but it's just adjacent like im just too traumatized for connection at this point. way too traumatized. the fka twigs album is going to destroy me, but it's not much hope. i just cna't be body positive about own self. it's just impossible. i actually get angry when ppl preach that shit to me like it seems so delusional and stupid.

[lovelovex]

no x posts no announcements, kind rude p don’t you think cutting such a big amount of people who CARE about you guys is too much??? it is hard to keep up with all your updates via fucking RUMORS of all things for fucks sake

oh we’re right off w the accusations ok ok ok sometimes i hate being the spokesperson, P the diplomat, but here we go

i’m gonna use this post for the whole rant bc it’s all p much the same in my inbox:

if ‘rumors’ have been your only source of information for the past i dont rly rmbr how many months honey that’s intentional

sometime in july, before i made that post ab the healing process, we sat down and went thru every email subscribed to our mailing list, every account in every gc we used to have, decided fuck it and created all the new ones, rmbr when we had like 500+ members in one of them? well that’s not happening ever again, outsiders aren’t allowed anymore

did it hurt your feelings being left out?

well it hurt my feelings to find out how many of you were actually involved in the case behind my back, how many of you knew exactly what was happening in those two years and stayed silent or worse – chose to side w the person who wanted to take everything he could away from me

not just me, my friends, my family, the ppl i love more than anything else in this world, have suffered enormously bc of His actions and bc of Your support of those actions

i know exactly who you all are, i have a list of names i dont want to hear ever again in my life

the damage you’ve done is irreparable, and it’s beyond my imagination how any of you still feel entitled to anything, did you rly think i’d never find out? i thought it was common knowledge i always find out one way or another

we’re all grown up ppl, and it’s not my place to tell you who you can or cannot talk to, you’ve made your choices and we’ve made ours, and if you ended up on the outside of the circle, welcome to consequences 101, your actions actually do have an impact, what a concept

the case played a big part in the whole thing, but we’re way past that now, and the thing is – the real reason behind ‘cutting out such a big amount of ppl’ is we’re tired, the better part of our lives was dedicated solely to creating a safe space, and we did, only to realize we’re our own safe space, it’s the ppl, so the shows are still happening, the karaoke nights and the acoustic sessions, i say my thank yous from the stage and in emotional voice msgs at 3am bc my god do i love our space, my little sanity oasis, that part hasn’t and will never change

what changed is that we don’t have to subject ourselves to scrutiny, to any form of judgement anymore rly, what they dont know they can’t ruin i rmbr a post like this somewhere on this blog, i dont have to read your thoughts on every single detail of every single move we make, i only hear opinions from those ppl i actually want to listen to, and no, i dont only surround myself w yes men now, if i do smth wrong i still get called out, rightfully so

what i’m mostly tired of is those half-assed friendships, of ppl who only wanted me smiling and shiny, who would disappear the second things got a bit depressing, i dont know who hurt you, but it wasn’t me, or maybe it was, in that case that’s on you if you never had the guts to open your mouth and actually say smth

yk i’ve had to say so many goodbyes in the last two years, i’ll say some more if it comes to this, i’m getting better at letting ppl come and go, but i could never tolerate indifference or betrayal, and i’ve had enough of both of these things

you can still go off in my inbox, let it all out, i can’t rly stop you, just know it doesn’t make any difference to me

[subir-astrologer]

ONLY FAKE ASTROLOGER CAN BRING EX BACK IN A FEW HOURS

The thing one must know about Vedic astrologer is that they are reader of one’s destiny thru Vedic astrology.

Like in very olden days there were letter reader outside the post office in villages where maximum people were illiterate, the letter reader read what ever is written in the letter. ( Astrologers please don’t feel bad, its only an example to explain very easily, mind you I am also as astrologer ha ha ha . . . . you got it . . .ha ha )

The letter reader does not add or delete any expression of the letter, just a flat reading whatever is written.

In the same way an astrologer is also a destiny reader thru horoscope and other means but can not create or damage someone’s destiny.

An astrologer is not a black magician. He is a simple reader who learned the art of reading horoscope.

SO, NO ASTROLOGER CAN CLAIM THAT THEY CAN BRING BACK EX IN FEW HOURS.

It may happen that a client went to an astrologer to know about his / her ex and fortunately the destiny showed the return very soon in hours and it happens so, doesn’t mean that the astrologer has some power to pull back someone’s ex.

It can be understood in another way that people leave their home due to fight or difference of opinions in fury of their anger and the relative goes to the astrologer to know when the native is going to come back.

Some time it happens that the native who left home come back with in few hours after meeting with the astrologer as he said.

It is not credit of the astrologer because the native who left home was destined to return at that particular period only and coincidently the astrologer after analysis also said the same.

It is not the power of the astrologer but prediction of astrology.

If astrologer term the prediction as his power to make / create certain event then one should be very watchful from such people as they are not true astrologer but a big fake.

The job of an astrologer is only to guide a person towards a better path, to assist them in fulfilling their desires, and how and where to channel their emotional - psychological - physical energies.

[fruti2flutie]

extra notes (potential spoilers ahead!!!):

written for seungchan fest 🐺🐶

the title taken from "you'll never know" from the shape of water (2017) soundtrack, sung by renée fleming

i literally Did Not rewatch this movie. i wrote it using my memory of watching it several years ago, the wiki synopsis, and Summer Vibes. also, the power of seungchan 🩷

the multimedia format was inadvertently inspired by one last stop by casey mcquinston. i didn't realize that's where i got the idea from until i cracked open the book (which i have not finished yet asdfghj) and saw that the beginning of every chapter has some sort of headline or text media!! i have horrible memory lol i think using different formats like pics or headlines is just a fun way to tell a story that's not the actual writing, if that makes sense?? it's another way of setting up exposition that isn't just Text hehe

my first fest fic...!! i get very worried at deadlines so i tend to stay away from fests bc i don't think i'll write in a timely manner. but out of curiosity i glimpsed thru the prompts & this one caught my attention 😳 i went back to it like... five times before making the decision to apply, and then hit the ground running 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

I HAD NO IDEA HOW LONG IT WOULD GET!!!! i outlined pretty much all the scenes, debated between a chapter format vs oneshot, figured out the media interludes... what i ended up with (30k oneshot) felt right in the end, and pretty on brand (i.e. i only know how to write long fics 😔)

i feel like i see a lot of chan being a creature in fics, so i wanted to flip the script & make seungmin the non-human entity. a fish? an alien?? who knows what he is!!!! he's very interested in bang chan, maybe to the point of imprinting??? it's an intellectual & emotional connection that just... happens. love 🩷

after LMB got announced & the ties to zionism got exposed, i was very very very hesitant to continue working on this fic. i might've been 3/4 done with it at that point? it was pretty disheartening as a fan, and writing felt.... bad for a while. i did my best to avoid any & all content regarding the collab, and i'm doing my best to stay informed. a free palestine is more important than kpop & streams!!!!

the time period of the original movie is set in 1960s, and since i'm never too into researching for fics i tried to make a setting that was more comfortable for me to write. i chose modern day! more specifically, the vague pacific northwest lol some references are for real places (e.g. tiger sugar, the puget sound, etc.) while others aren't (e.g. bayleigh's bayou, gangnam grub, etc.).

elisa, the main character of the movie, is mute with damaged vocal chords. she doesn't communicate with The Creature verbally at all. in contrast, i wrote HoH!chan to pay homage to her with telepathic!seungmin so i could write their dialogue more smoothly. chan's rambling is so important to me, and i don't think i would be able to write him unable to speak his mind.

seungmin's "dick compartment" legitimately was what convinced me to bump this fic from Mature to Explicit 😳 i had to explain it 😳

the climax of the story may have been inspired by a werewolf boy (2012). it damaged my young heart & i can't tell u how much i cried watching it,, hopefully i was able to recreate an ounce of that pain??

making up seungmin's youtube history was one of my fav parts!!! the shu and tree dog grooming youtube channel is sooooo comforting to watch, i'm glad i found it 🥹

i didn't mean to include all the skz in this fic tbh... like, hyunjin was gonna be an even lesser side character!!! but i loved writing him into a bigger role, and it really can't be a fic by me unless all of them have an appearance 🥲

speaking of: minho is the kind of significant other that makes sure changbin always smells like clean linens 🥰

while making the media interludes made a Significant Mistake that i have no idea how to fix & therefore will live in this fic forever. if anyone catches it, i'll audibly cry to them. truly. for reals.

moonlight & memories

summary: Chan discovers– Well, no. He finds– That isn't exactly right either. Maybe the moon goes full, the stars align just right, and he feels an impossible, otherworldly connection. He meets Seungmin, and falls into the deep.

pairing: seungchan (seungmin/bang chan), minor background relationships

rating: NC-17

posted: june 1, 2024

———-

Something is there. Undeniably, something is there, in the tall grass. The movement is too irregular to just be from the fan's wind. Closer to the light is a shadow. An indiscernible figure. Something.

(read on ao3)

[furiousgoldfish]

Learning more about trauma recovery, I realized that even if we all have similar cptsd symptoms (emotional flashbacks, inner shame and guilt, abandonment issues, fear of other's negative reactions to us, fight/flight/freeze/fawn response, highly anxious behaviour, perfectionism, catastrophizing, chronic exhaustion and pain, panic attacks, struggle expressing anger, dissociation, grief, negative thinking, fear of the future, hopelessness, suicidal ideation) it's usually one or two of them that are specifically strong and tako a hold of someone's entire personality. For instance, someone will try to find a way out of fear by constantly doing more and more and try to always be perfect, another one will freeze and do nothing in a stressful situation; some will avoid people altogether, some will run from one painful relationship to another. Some might find their inner critic so powerful they get unable to do anything due to the constant shame and berating from inside of their head, and some will sink into dissociation and numbness in order to withstand being alive.

For me, it was the inner catastrophizer that was so loud, overbearing, and impossible to fight; I hadn't recognized it as a trauma symptom because I believed every bit of it was true. My imagined catastrophe was dying from lack of resources, or being tortured to death. Both felt like a very likely scenarios to happen because I do live in poverty, with minimal resources, and I've already experienced torture so it seemed like it's highly possible for it to happen again. I couldn't see that I've survived years on my own, without any help, and that I've became more resourceful than most people, or that I had saved myself from torture and kept myself safe. Every single time a minor stress would appear, I would spiral into wild scenarios of myself homeless, dying, or in unbearable pain. It would trigger a nervous breakdown, lots of flashbacks, panic attacks, and bring me to such highly anxious state I wouldn't be able to move for days. I didn't see a way out of this, I believed I was brainwashed to experience this over and over again, and panicked severely when it started getting worse.

It was only when I found out about other survivors having the exact same imagined catastrophy, I was able to see it was fake. People with jobs, friends, family, loved ones, resources and safety, were having the exact same fear of dying homeless. Circumstances don't matter to the catastrophizer, it will find a path to your worst, most painful scenario even if it's next to impossible for it to happen.

Reading the 'Complex PTSD' book, I learned that these catastrophic thoughts can and should be de-escalated and stopped in their tracks by a stream of logical, factual thoughts that challenge the unlikeliness and fakeness of the imaginary disaster. I trained my mind to do it immediately, unspeakably relieved to know it's something I can do on my own, it's do-able, it's progress I can make just by arguing with my own thoughts!

Ever since that day, I haven't allowed myself to spiral into a catastrophic thoughts once, and it's done wonders for my recovery. It was like dragging myself from the bottom of the pit to a place where I could breathe again. I only now acknowledge how extremely damaging it was on my body to be broken down like that regularly, how impossible it was to live always followed by that terror, how unreasonable it was to expect from myself to endure it. I still break down a lot, but from grief, which is healthy for me to break down about, and it doesn't throw me into a paralyzing pit of terror.

I also need to acknowledge that this is not something I'd be able to do at the beginning of the recovery; at the start I had every single symptom screaming in my face, it was all I could do to stay alive thru it all. Over the course of several years, a lot of the symptoms quieted down on their own, just because I was getting used to life in a non-abusive environment. The catastrophizer was one that kept getting bigger and more stressful as others got smaller and more manageable.

I believe most of my symptoms died down because I was allowing myself to seek out a comfort zone; giving myself a place to feel safe and not triggered by whatever, gave me a lot of peace, a refuge to hide in. After finding a little peace of the world I was safe in, this world began to expand, until I saw a way to have a life in it. It has its limits, of course, and if I try doing certain things I will absolutely get triggered and my well-being will be obliterated. But I'm not looking for a life where I can do everything. Only to stay alive, and to not be in terror. It's a humble yet very complicated desire for a traumatized person to have.

I no longer have to actively stop my catastrophic thoughts; my brain now does it for me. If I start spiraling, a voice in my head will go 'Wait a minute, that doesn't sounds realistic, isn't it more likely x will happen and it will be okay? Come on, you don't have to be terrified about this, because it's not real. It will be okay, and here's every single instance where a similar event went well for you. You will pull thru this one, and even if you don't, the consequence won't be death, or torture, or everyone alive hating you. At worst you will feel slightly bad, so it's okay to feel good now. You've done a lot to get this far. All will be well.'

And that is a very pleasant inner voice to have, and I am grateful for it. I wish so badly that I had this earlier in life, but I guess looking at my parents, there was no way.

What is your worst reoccurring symptom that stops you from progressing in your recovery? If you feel like you're at the stage where you can recognize it and talk about it, it would be beneficial for everyone recovering to read more experiences.

[timetravelassasin]

You're Home~

A/N: Hey guys here is another one for you. I have been sick lately and usually when I'm sick I get rather emotional. This one doesn't have a summary due to me not being able to come up with one. I hope you guys like it.

~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

" It's not you it's me,"

" You are too emotional"

" Why can't you be like your Sister"

" You are being childish"

" When are you ever going to grow up"

" You are too much for me"

Those were the same responses you would get from your family and from every guy you ever dated. Every relationship you had would start great only for it to end in tears. You tried everything from changing your sense of style to your personality. At one point you just couldn't take it. You went back to being yourself. You started new animes and even read some pretty amazing mangas. Your family was not happy with the outcome.

" Why do you watch those cartoons? You are an adult you need to grow up," your mom said, walking into your room.

" You don't understand mom," you whispered as she walked out of your room.

You found comfort in some of the characters. They motivated you and even helped you get thru a tough day. There were days when your family would come over and they would give your younger cousins your figures and mangas to play with. It was hard for you to speakup. You were afraid they would kick you out and adandon you if you were to speakout. Your heart would break when they would return your stuff damaged. You had worked so hard for them only to tear them apart.

" They are toys Y/N they are nothing to be crying about," your mom would say when handing you the damaged items.

Your father never said anything but would always be there to comfort you and even help you repair the damages done.

"It's ok sweetheart. I will help you repair as much as I can,"your dad would say.

He would spend hours with you. Sometimes he would ask you questions on which character had certain traits and their backstory. Sometimes he would tell you who he ships who with and try to make you laugh.

" You're the best dad," You would always tell him.

That was the usual routine. You would get home from work and find your stuff damaged. You would tell your dad and he would spend hours with you trying to fix things and comfort you. It was like that until one day you came home and it was the last straw. Your mom had gotten rid of all your figures. All your mangas weregone. Sketchbooks you had drawn in were gone. All your art stuff gone. Your room was empty besides your bed, desk and computer. Your heart shattered.

" Ah, you're home. I got rid of all these toys and books you had. It is about time you grow up. I have set you up on a blind date for tommorrow. Don't embarass me he is from a very prestigious family. You need to grow up and get married. Your sister is married and already has two kids. You have not dated in years it is about time you get settled. Your father and I cannot be taking care of you for the rest of our lives," Your mom said, standing at your door.

The thing was your mom did not understand. They were not supporting you. You had let them live in your home that you had paid for on your own. They had no bills or anything to worry about. You paid for everything they needed. You ignored your mom and shut your door on her. She was angry that you had shut the door on her and even locked it. She called you ungrateful and uslesses from behind the door. You had enough after a quick shower in the bathroom connected to your room you got in your bed. The lights were off, door locked and the alc in the perfect setting.

"Please, let this be a dream. Please, when I wake up let this all be a dream and I wake up in a happy life," you whispered before going to sleep.

Whenyou wokeup you had tears running down your face and someone calling your name. You turned to the person only to see none other than Kemma Kozume. He was lying next to you a hand on your cheek. He was rubbing the tears away with his thumb and hada worried look on his face.

"Hey Y/N, it's ok. Pudding what's wrong,” he asked, worried.

"It's nothing it's just a bad dream. I'm just glad to be here with you. I'm home," you said, whispering the last part.

[thecitythatdoesntsleep]

I’m the same anon who requested that collar whump and 🙌 it was so good!!!! if you want to go more whumpy I encourage it!!! The only limit I have is please no explicit smut. I’m fine with implied/referenced just not explicit. Otherwise you can go wild!!! I’d totally love to see it!!! thank you so much!! 💞💞💞

Awwh! I'm so super happy that you liked it, that pleases me greatly to know that it was enjoyable! I insist, for your kind words let me treat you to something extra whumpy!

Limits understood! Let's crank up the whump button and keep that 'too familiar' with Whumpee going. Mind if I add a pinch of obsession into that intimate whumper? You know, as a treat because you deserve it anon! Rewinding time a bit, this is before the first post.

(Tags/TW: Collar whump, Intimate Male Whumper, Female Whumpee, Kidnapping, Stalking, Obsession whump, Choking, Hanging, Swinging by neck, Neck whump, Broken bones, Noncon touching, referenced/implied noncon, Hot/Cold Whumper, Hair pulling, Drugging, Cursing/strong language, Vampire whump. )

"You were too naive, you know that?" Whumper stated, hand gripping a flawless face and watching pretty, gemstone eyes roll in their sockets. "You never saw me, all this time, watching you from afar."

"I hoped you'd notice, I really did. I was so messy a couple of times, I ran right into you and somehow you never even saw me." It almost sounded pained, the way Whumper said it. Thick with emotion as his grip on her jaw became more violent and drew her out of the haze.

"I don't know if I should be insulted... Or happy you're so oblivious to the world around you."

As soon as Whumpee made it through the fog, her features pinched in a grimace and the sight before her wasn't one she'd expected. She recognized him but couldn't place him anywhere, her mind telling her she'd definitely seen him before.

"But you're here now... and you're going to be my pet now. No one will ever know I didn't buy you, I made sure of it." The more he rambled, the more infatuated he became with touching her. First her shoulder, now he was holding her hand, bringing it to his lips for a clammy, tacky kiss.

"Y-You're all mine," He was frantic, panicked as if he was both excited and terrified for what he was actually doing. Having kidnapped and tranquilized her thus far.

"Like.. hell I am.." She rasped, watching him fight off a chuckle and lose almost instantly.

"Hah- You're not going to have a choice. I'm your Master and pets obey their masters." Whumper insisted, reaching for a collar that had been already chained up to a pipe in the basement ceiling. "I'm going to teach you how to behave down here first, then w-wh-when you're broken in, yeah? Then.. Then I'll let you upstairs like a real pet."

He grabbed her up by the hair and she flew into fight or flight as soon as she was lifted off the ground. He was big, she'd give him that. Tall, probably 6'4 and he definitely worked out and enjoyed his carbs at the same time.

She was on the shorter side, but she knew how to use her weight and no matter the tension on her hair; she wormed her whole body to wrench away from him. The force was messy, her system still getting used to the hazy, limpness in her limbs.

"Bad!" He growled in resonating anger, using the grip on her scalp to slam her head into the wall. The first obviously dazed her and the second left her stilling. "You're gonna wear your fucking collar! L-Like a good pet!"

She looked at him with stars in her vision and pain seeping from the back of her head, features cracking with lines of hatred. She could smell it, her skin had split open on the poorly constructed brick wall and it stung when it started fusing back together from her healing speed.

She couldn't let him know just how her body worked or she feared the worst of his wrath. He really seemed like a horror movie villain at this point, the way he stuttered and looked at her with such blatant, scrutinizing attention.

"T-Thats too high, take it down and I'll wear it." She tried to reason, feeling one of his hands grab around the front of her neck while the other repositioned in her hair.

"It's not training if it's not painful.. what would you learn from just wearing a collar?" He questioned, tone acidic like she was a moron for even thinking of suggesting such a thing.

Those damned drugs did her in, if only she'd been at full strength when he tried again to wrestle her over and up to the collar he had waiting on her. She could have thrown him across the room, easily, if he hadn't somehow managed to subdue her. Now it was a struggle to keep herself on the ground as the muscular human kept taking her footing away from her.

She kicked and kicked and even when she landed contact with his legs, she knew it wasn't strong enough to even pull a reaction from him. He eventually won, hoisting her up and latching the thick, chain collar around her neck to entrap her with her own weight. It was just in distance to let the tips of her outstretched toes barely brush the ground.

"There, now you can squirm all you want, you'll just go swinging." He mused, giving her a push by her hips and watching her uselessly grip above her in the swing.

She felt like at any moment, her neck would snap, a grinding sound in her bones giving a warning creak when she reached the highest point. Her vocal chords were ruthlessly crushed against the curvature of the chain and she couldn't stop the faux spasms she felt in long-deadened lungs. It felt like she was a human again, drowning or being smothered, only she hadn't needed real air in decades.

Choking gurgles of begging barely registered past how hard he'd started laughing. She was like a chandelier in a living room that a mischievous housemate knocked into. Swinging in whatever pattern or direction gravity took her until she learned that she'd only stop if she went still.

Finally whumper stopped her and grabbed her backside to lift her up against him, holding her face to face with a devious smile across his face. "You're l-like a piñata. It's kind of cute."

Her hands flew up and in a sound clap, cupped his ears in a deafening impact. Immediately his head started to ring and he dropped her with such force she nearly slammed into him again on the downswing.

Whumper covered his ears and shoved fingers in them, anxiously feeling for blood and unable to hear anything but an ambient whine. He was furious and the stunning pain left him staggering back a few paces to let her endure the remaining momentum. The faintest of garbled blubbering could be heard and it was his only hope that he hadn't been completely deafened.

"You stupid bitch.." He roared, louder than he'd realized in his current state. "Y-You just lost your fucking hands!"

A vicious latch onto one of her arms and his opposite hand grabbed her wrist, twisting and wrenching it beyond it's natural pivot. She grabbed onto his wrists, nails dug in but couldn't stop the force he'd held her with.

The crack was agonizing, it popped so many times and she would have vomited if not for the noose around her neck. The limb instantly radiated pain and fell limp, unable to hold upright on the destroyed joint. Muffled cries were distant to him and even though he was looking her in the face, she sounded soft.

She'd stopped swinging when he grabbed her second arm and gave the faintest of tugs back from his menacing grip. Begging, pleading without shaking her head or making a single noise.

He ignored it. Snapping the second joint in a long twist and the satisfaction that he had with the feeling of breaking a bone was maddening. He savored it, giving an extra roll this time and really feeling the damage he'd done inside her skin.

"I bet you'll behave for me now, wont you?" He picked her up once more, this time leaving space between their upper halves in hesitation. When she left her hands at her sides, he was pleased with the progress they'd already made.

"God, even when you're in pain and have spit all down your face, you're still pretty." Whumper praised, taking his hold on her a bit easier now, lifting her up by the backs of her thighs and encouraging them to wrap around his waist for reprieve.

They did, as disgusting as it felt it relieved the tension on her neck and she was almost grateful in just that short time alone.

He pet her head fondly now, pushing down the strands he'd frizzed and upset and he pulled his sleeve over his hand to wipe her mouth. Her lips hung open like she was panting but no breath escaped her, throat desperately trying to clear with small growls and hacks.

"I've never seen you blush until now, I feel special." Whumper pushed her bangs back and returned down her face with a loving sweep while holding her; thumb tracing her lower lip.

"I can't believe you're finally all mine. I get to keep you forever and ever and... You can't escape me anymore." As if his mind was looping through all the times he'd thought about her or thought about kidnapping her, he stared into her eyes blankly.

Even if she didn't remember, he certainly did. Every encounter, every time he'd sent her a drink at the bar and been to shy to say something. When she flat out rejected him for a dance. The time she'd gotten in a taxi with him and he didn't say anything to her. The week he'd paid for her coffee in the drive thru, strategically, every day getting ahead of her in line.

It had all been worth it.

"You can't reject me anymore. You can't hide.. or brush me off or ignore the gifts I get you." The more he rambled, he less he was looking at her and the more he was looking through her. He framed her body, wrapped along her curves with a curious hand. He abandoned the hold and let her support herself when he couldn't handle not touching her with both of them.

"Now.. I can finally love you how you deserve.."

-

Sorry it took me so long to get to this anon! I hope this is respectful of your wishes and not too much towards the descriptive side. I also tried to go with the same tropes you'd requested but just make it more miserable. ; ^ ;

I know there is a very thin border to intimate whump and it can transition beyond the boundaries very easily. So if you have any critiquing or things to avoid that could help in the future, I'd love to know so I can gain some more versatility. I would (ideally) love to be able to cater to all requests in all forms and insight will only help me with that goal.

Another apology for the wait. Had some personal life stuff come up and wasn't in the feelings to write much. But I'm back on the rise and I'm hoping to get to everyone's messages and requests within the next few days.

I will not be doing first come first serve, I'm just doing whatever inspires me with this batch. Sorry if anyone thinks that's unfair, it's just how it is for me as a writer. This is 1 out of 7 asks and I don't even remember which ones came first because I immediately convert them into drafts. : ( But thank you so much for the req! Hope you enjoyed. <3