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skvatnavle · 2 years

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Werewolf Matt Murdock x reader

Warnings: Insecurities, self hate, struggling with the beast within, slightly dark and feral Matt.

Notes: This is a part of "The Moon in May" writing challenge. The first week I was inspired by the word "scent". It's my first werewolf au, so I hope you guys like it.

A huge thank you to @mindidjarin for beta reading and for listening to my ramblings about this. Also thank you to @a-reader-and-a-writer for indulging in my ramblings and helping out ❤️

And header made by the lovely @loverhymeswith 💜

Words: 1452

Beast Within masterlist

Chaos. Overwhelming. Everything too much, too noisy. His senses were already heightened, but now… after the bite… he hears everything. Feels everything. Smells everything.

The world around him filled with sounds and smells, so vivid now that he almost feels like he can see again. He can picture everything around him, clear as day. It’s a strange feeling after years in the darkness. Well, it had never been completely dark, but it was the best way to describe this new sensation. All his senses alert, nothing getting past him.

He can feel the beast within begging to come out. Begging to be let loose. It’s a cold day in Hell’s Kitchen, but his skin is damp with sweat. He is so hot, skin burning. A small voice in his head, the beast, begs for him to tear off his skin and let it loose.

He can feel the pull of the hunt, the bloodthirst. Maybe he could let it loose. Just once. Clear out some of the scum defiling his city. He could easily rip them apart, make sure they would never hurt anyone again.

Matt shakes his head, trying to block out that horrible voice inside. He had to resist, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to forever. Full moon was only a week away. And he knew it would be a bloodbath.

Before he was afraid he had the devil in him, but now he knows there’s truly a monster within.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting on the roof, looking over the city. The rain is falling heavy on him, soaking his clothes and should have chilled him to the bone. But not anymore. Small clouds of steam rise from him, the heat from within keeping the cold at bay.

He feels alone. So alone. Father Paul is gone and Foggy… No, he couldn’t tell him. Foggy had a hard time coming to terms, when he discovered Matt’s nighttime heroics. What would he do, if he knew this? And would he even believe him?

His head snaps up. What was that? His nose turned up against the wind, his nostrils flares as he takes in the exquisite scent. For a moment, the world around him stills, nothing else existing besides that scent, drawing him in. As another wave of the foreign smell washes over him, he crawls further towards the edge, scanning the street below.

Around him, the world is always a blend of scents. The burned stew from the apartment next door. The piles of trash, decomposing. Thousands of people dosed in perfume, sweat and the scent of their lovers. Taxi fumes polluting the air. But it wasn’t all bad. There’s the smell of the heavy rain lingering in air, the wet grass in the park across the street. The various flowers of the rooftop garden on the next building fragrant and sweet, the most fragrant herbs. But none of it compares to this.

He jumps down, landing in a small alley way, creeping towards the street. The smell of apples and lilacs along with something he can’t quite place hangs in the air, washing over him with every small gush of the wind. He tries ignoring it, but it still invades his senses. It surrounds him, haunts him. He’s never felt like this. It’s like he craves it, needs it.

Letting his nose guide him, he walks down the street, manoeuvring elegantly between the other pedestrians, constantly sniffing the air. When he stops, he finds himself outside a bookstore. Going in, he prowls between the shelves, unnoticed. Turning the corner, he stops dead in his tracks.

You’re standing with a book in hand, your fingers delicately running over the pages. You softly tuck a strain of hair behind your ear, your gaze fixed on the pages. New book. The smell he couldn’t place were new books. It’s you he could smell.

Intrigued by you, Matt covers behind the shelves, just observing you for a while. You spend a long time, rummaging around the shop, the stack of books in your arms getting bigger. For every turn you make, he counter moves, always out of your sight. Afraid of getting caught.

He’s always felt he was bad, but now he knew he truly were. Even if every fibre in his body begs him to talk to you, just to hear your voice once, he can’t. When he can even accept himself, then how could you?

“You’re not as sneaky as you think, you know?”

Surprised that you’ve seen him, Matt doesn’t manage to move before you pop your head around the corner, sensing a huge grin on your face.

A normal person probably would have been weirded out by someone following them around a store, but you’ve always been a little quirky. A little different. Where you should be scared, all you felt were curious about the man before you.

The man before you is left speechless, probably wondering if you were a weirdo or not. But who was he to judge after following you, right? So you just step out from behind the shelf, looking at the handsome stranger.

“So… Why were you following me?” you ask softly, genuinely curious what could cause such a beautiful man to follow you. Couldn’t be for your looks, cause a man like that could get any woman he wanted. Book knowledge? Nah, that wasn’t right either.

“Would you believe me if I said I was compelled to?”

You snort, taken aback by his words. What a line. You hate to admit it, but it does intrigue you. There is something unexplainable about him that draws you in. You introduce yourself and after getting his name, you turn back to the shelves, continuing your hunt for books. Matt follows you slowly and you hate to admit it, but his presence is comforting. It’s odd, really.

“What are you looking at?” he gestures towards the book you’ve just pulled from the shelf. A little ashamed of your choice of books, you nervously turn the book to him, so he can read the title.

“I’m blind, so you’ll have to tell me”

He smiles, which only makes him more handsome. But confusion sets in. Blind? You look at him closer. His eyes looks almost empty, his gaze unfocused. But the signature cane you’ve seen blind people with are nowhere to be found. How did he get here? And how has he been following you around without bumping into things?

“I really am blind. Since I was nine, in case you were wondering.”

He smiles softly, tilting his head as his beautiful hazel brown eyes almost meet yours. He gestures towards the book and shifts closer, his movement so fluently, almost like a majestic animal.

Okay, you had to start reading different books. They were starting to get to your head. Flustered, you clear your throat as you look at the cover.

“It’s... Ehm, ‘A Curse so Dark and Lonely’. It’s a about this prince, Rhen, who is cursed. Every fall he turns into a beast and only true love can save him.”

Matt’s face falls, a expression washing over him that you can’t quite place. Sadness? Despair?

“So he’s doomed then. Who could ever love a beast?”

“Well, I bet i could. I mean, Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story. Always saw myself in Belle.” you shake the books softly. Always been kind of an outsider, the oddball. And seriously, who wouldn’t want a library like that? You smile to yourself, before looking at Matt again.

“It’s really not about whether or not he is a beast on the outside, but about who he truly is on the inside. Someone worth loving.”

Matt’s eyes fly to yours, the beautiful hazel brown gone, replaced by something dark. Brows furrowed, his gaze intense, soul piercing. It takes your breath away, makes your heart beat faster.

“What if it’s what’s on the inside that is ugly?”

He comes closer, so close you can almost feel his breath on your skin. The intensity of his gaze sends shivers down your spine. You should be scared, you really should. But every nerve ending in your body ignites, a fire spreading. And something tells you it’s a fire only he can put out.

“Something tells me, Matt Murdock, that what’s inside you is worth loving.”

Smirking, he leans in closer, his lips ghosting your cheek. He inhales sharply, a low growl erupting from his throat. Your heart beats faster, threatening to burst free. Matt’s head tilts down for a second, almost as if he hears your rapid heartbeat, before his lips once again ghosts against your ear.

“I think you’re gonna be disappointed, sweetheart.”

Thank you so much for reading <3

Tagging: @clydesducktape @absurdthirst @mindidjarin @buckypascal @loverhymeswith @a-reader-and-a-writer @freshabogados @lcvenderblues @e-dubbc11 @imgonnaragnorockurshit @fictionalnerdery @lucy-sky @starduststevie

#TheMoonInMay #Matt Murdock werewolf AU #matt murdock x reader #daredevil fanfiction #the moon in may writing challenge #werewolf au #my favorite little devil

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helloliriels · 2 years

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LIRIELS MASTER POST

Headers link to read (*indicates WIP, or may be cont.):

LIRIELS CHAPTERED FICS (5k+)

L.O.V.E. - John Watson wanted a soulmate. His sister ... just wanted this game to be over. Enter Sherlock Holmes. Fate it seems, has it's own plans ... and the game? Is never over! (27k, M, Only You AU, Italy, fortune teller, ouija board)

*(I Love You) Infinitely - With a snap of his fingers, Thanos caused the heartache and loss of half a planet's population ... and Watson of all people, could kiss the glove that did. (19k+, T, Infinity War, Post-TRF)

*Christmas in Honeycutt - John's publisher invites a sailor out to his idyllic estate for a Christmas worthy a hero ... only ... John doesn't have an estate. Or a wife. Or a child. He just writes about them! (25k+, M, WWII, spy, codes)

Give My Love To The Chef - John visits the restaurant after the Fall. They serve him the perfect dishes. Dishes that make him feel homesick and happy. Somehow ... the chef always knows what he wants before he asks ... (18k, M, Post-TRF, Fix-it)

Playing Cupid - What if Sherlock sent Mike out to bring Watson back? What if he was taking no chances on that chance meeting? (ASIP fix-it, canon complicit)

Spin The Bottle - Have you ever played this game before, Sherlock? (8k, M, S1-2ish, Strip Games)

*What If I'm Not? - Maybe in confessing why he's not o.k. ... he is really pushing Sherlock out of his life for good. How could such a disclosure not? (5k+, correspondence fic, fluff collab)

LIRIELS SHORT FICS (up to 5K)

PAYPHONE - (<2k ea., post-TRF alternates)

Keep Us From Falling - (5k, T, Una Stubbs tribute)

*Love Potion No. 9 - (5k, G, HP au, complete as-is)

The Years Keep Returning Me To You - (4k)

*Give Me A Reason - (4k, New Years alt meet)

The Girlfriend Mixup - (3k, angst, fluff)

Bleeding Out - (3k, S3 never happened)

*Hurt For Me - (3k; may become M 15-20k+)

Sherlock Is A Girls Name - (2k, HLV, alt S3)

Next Time - (2k, angst, fluff, first kiss)

*Rarified - (2k, synesthesia, soulmates au)

Kiss Me Now Before You Go - (2k, WWII)

The Limp You Gave Me - (<2k, angst, post-TRF)

I Will Try (To Fix You) - (<2k, steampunk, TRF)

Summer Calling ... - (<1k, teenlock, skinny dipping)

Hope Eternal - (1k, Hobbit inspired, post-TRF fix-it)

The Genius Who Had No Heart In His Chest - (<1k, x reader)

*After All - (<1k, oneshot, idiots in love)

*Without A You - (<1k, without a clue, role rev.)

Into Battle - (<1k, oneshot, fixing S3 TSOT)

LIRIELS PROMPT FICS (Collection)

Most less than 1k words, oneshots, drabble, etc. prompted by Tumblr posts, asks, events, and challenges.

The Paper Boy (#sherlock challenge)

LOCK DOWN (#FFF155)

CATCH (#sherlock challenge)

H.O.U.N.D. (#FFF120)

S P I C E (#sherlock challenge)

The Cuts That Bleed (#FFF139)

Experiments in Conductivity (#FFF126)

Come Closer

Drowning (And I Thought You Knew)

THIINK TWIICE (#FFF125)

Upside Down (#sherlock challenge)

Speak For Me (#FFF154)

*Do Not Download The Souls (#FFF140)

*You Can See Me

The Highest Compliment

Never Gonna Dance Again

Constellations

RISE AND FALL (#FFF145)

LONG LOST ... (#holmestice)

LOST PUPPY

Paper Heart

Do Bees Kiss? or Just Sting?

Short Poems Are The Best

A Thing (destial news)

Three Little Words (groot & SH talking)

I Will Go Down With This Ship

What To Give The Detective Who Has Everything

The Devil Went Down To London

I Want To Love Him In The Sunlight (Clueda)

He Smiles (haiku, 7PercentSolution)

Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit!

LIRIELS SHERLOCK POETRY (Collection)

Coffee and Then Coffee // A Million Things You Don't Do // RED // Empty Hearse // But I Can't // Welcome to London // The Next Time We Say Goodbye // We'll Go No More A-Sleuthing // Endgame // Invisible Man // Distractions // You Speak and Worlds Awaken // This Ending // 3rd is Last Place // Somebody's Someone // Undo Me // Without a Clue // I Fight the Need // Boxing Day // ... But I Can't Have Him // 2 B 1 // Your Orbit // Moving On // Infinity Smiles

LIRIELS PODFICS (Gifts for)

*Juxtaposition (Clueda)

How To Date Your Flatmate (EchoSilverWolf)

Prompt #49 Take Off Your Shirt (KittenKin)

The Wedding Gift (Calais_Reno)

Queer Eye: Johnlock Edition (fellshish)

I Speak for the Curls (ChrisCalledMeSweetie)

I Have Not Lingered (saintscully)

The Telltale Heart (Calais_Reno)

Tattered (SrebrnaFH)

SHERLOCK IS LIT Sherlocked blackout poems made from classic lit, Including: Alice in Wonderland, Charles Dickens' Bleak House, Sinbad the Sailor, Anne of Green Gables, Oliver Twist, and A Princess of Mars.

ROCK OUT WITH YOUR LOCK OUT Sherlocked rock music album covers, including: MCR, Pink Floyd, Flyleaf, Nirvana, Johnny Cash, Gotye, Breaking Benjamin, Adele, Pet Shop Boys, Marvin Gaye, Simon & Garfunkel, and FFDP.

(NOT SO) FAKE FIC TITLES Over 100+ fake fic titles to browse! From 75+ submitted prompts on Tumblr (thank you!) Intended to be 100% fake (but some I accidentally started ... so *shrug*)! Celebrating 100 works on Ao3! I fell down a Tumblr hole (inventing a new kind of torture) and having too much fun to leave it! A few (*) may yet become real boys ... INBOX OPEN!

LIRIELS SHERLOCK FAN ART Fan art made for the love of Johnlock, in any universe.

@johnlocky @ohlooktheresabee @fluffbyday-smutbynight @inevitably-johnlocked @chinike @rhasima @totallysilvergirl @missdeliadili @luciengenic @topsyturvy-turtely @justanobsessedpan @whatnext2020 @hp-nv-221b-3000 @timberva @gaylilsherlock @loki-lock @marta-bee @i-call-me-clarence @musingsofmyown @john-smiths-jawline @meetinginsamarra @geekinator @sail-on-silver-girl @jabbage @kettykika78 @arwamachine @calaisreno @notasinglesoul1 @peanitbear @glows-n-the-dark @im-erin @detafo @gregorovitchworld @sherlockwatson-holmes @riverwithoutbanks @ephemeraljimin @keirgreeneyes @so-youre-unattached-like-me @hasenkind687 @iamjustreading @discordantwords @raina-at @khorazir @bluebellofbakerstreet

#johnlock fanfic #johnlock podfic #sherlock poetry #johnlock #bbc sherlock #helloliriels #june update #june master post #masterpost

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fencesandfrogs · 4 years

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hi my name is matthew and i have some thoughts about haes

okay disclaimers: i’m a little jumpy around the subject so while i don’t feel i’m being unnecessarily harsh/unfair, if ur firm on haes w no yielding, and you don’t want to argue about it? either skip this or don’t respond. i don’t really care. but i’m putting the body under a read more.

[3k words, 10 minute read. sections headers, some text italicized for emphasis/some readibility. no images/videos, a few links.]

second disclaimer: i’m not planning on going heavy on sources. i will happily provide sources to people who want them, and i haven’t written the actual post yet but it’s unlike me not to cite anything, but doing an in depth well researched and sourced post on this type of subject is not something i’m up for right now.

like i said, i’m jumpy around this subject. and on the off chance someone decides this post is Bad and i must be banished to the Bad Blogs Bin, i’d rather not put a lot of work into it.

third disclaimer: i’m not particularly interested in reading X study that says actually no people who way 700 pounds are healthy and people who weigh less than 200 are going to die early deaths. i know that’s a straw man i needed to a) get it out of the way now and b) i just am tired all the time and don’t have a ton of itme for it. that said, if you do send one to me, i will probably read it at some point, and i may or may not provide my thoughts.

right then. moving on.

with no more waffling, my thesis is as follows: weight stigma is bad, however obesity is killing people and i really would like people to stop pretending it doesn’t.

i. really hate that that’s a controversial opinion. i mean i hold a decent number of somewhat controversial opinions, most of which i keep to myself because i’m a firm believer that what i think about something should not interfere with how other people live their lives. as a noncontroversial example, i think mormons are in a cult. children, being minors, being indoctrinated is a problem, one i myself am not dedicated to solving because i have other issues but as far as adults involved, that’s their business.

(*please note that i’m not expanding on my thoughts because this post is about haes but i do have a more complicated opinion i’m just trying to demonstrate something please don’t at me about cults i know that they’re bad and adults in them also need help getting out that’s not the point of this post & i’m anxious enough so like, please.)

anyway so. obesity. is bad. it is bad for your health. if you are obese, you are not healthy. that said, i am not going to tell you to lose weight. no one should tell you to lose weight except for your doctor and maybe your immediate family, and that should be from a place of “you are not living your best life and i care about you.” i, an internet stranger, along with pretty much everyone you know, does not get to tell you about how terrible your life is and what a horrible person you are for existing, because you are not a bad person for being overweight. you do not deserve discrimination or mistreatment. even if you’re not actively trying to lose weight. it doesn’t matter. you are a human being like any other and i will fight like hell for you.

i’m not planning on going heavy into eating disorders because a) that’s a triggering topic for me and b) it’s going to muddle the point i’m getting, but since it is a large part of the arguments re. haes, it’s certainly going to come up, so i’d like to list the officially recognized eating disorders.

Anorexia Nervosa (AN)

Bulimia Nervosa (BN)

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder (OSFED)

Pica

Rumination Disorder

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)

Unspecified Feeding or Eating Disorder (UFED)

Other (aka “we are considering making this its own category but for matthew’s purposes it fits into AFRID or UFED well enough because the details aren’t important”)

so yeah. we’ll circle back to this.

section one: haes

haes initially stood for heatlh at every size. that doesn’t really matter anymore because people say healthy at every size now, however, the distinction is important. because.

okay. when i say being obese makes you inherently unhealthy, i am not saying you are having health problems for being overweight. i am saying you have a chronic illness. i have asthma. that makes me inherently unhealthy. i don’t necessarily have an health problems because i am asthmatic, but i have a chronic illness and it certainly would, say, make me more likely to die from covid. that is a fact. saying healthy at every lung functionality would not change that.

but you know, i can still be active and like smell plants and interact in the world like anyone else. i just try to keep my inhaler near by.

so similarly, if you are overweight/obese (i’ve been saying only obese because its less letters so i’m sticking with that), you can, like, live ur best life and take care of your health. you can feel good about your body and eat good food and move and again, i really don’t want anyone reading this to feel that i think everyone who’s obese needs to lose that weight because adults can do whatever they want.

what i’m angry about is that a good thing (encouraging people to make good choices no matter what so they can feel good in their bodies) got turned into a bad thing (telling people they don’t need to change what they’re doing because they’re perfectly healthy).

section two: but what about...?

see my third disclaimer. but as a fast rundown of things i probably won’t talk about in detail later:

the obesity paradox is a specific thing about a specific type of illness in the elderly. it’s also not about obesity, it’s about being slightly overweight. it’s a complicated thing, but it’s not true most of the time

sumo wrestlers have major health problems as soon as they stop exercising like crazy.

did you know there are countries where girls are force fed to become overweight? diet culture goes both ways

if you want to say healthy at every size, you have to mean that every. that means you are not allowed to say shit about underweight people. i’m sorry, is someone you care about wasting away? are they 5′10 and weigh 90 pounds and their hair is falling out because they aren’t eating? i’m sorry, you said people are healthy at every size. you can’t make fun of skinny people. you have to suck it up because you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

section three: self care

a hypothetical that is blindingly obvious to where i’m going: if a small child wants to play with a knife, are you caring for them by giving into it? what if they want to drink some vodka? what if they want to run away from home to live with a stranger in a white van?

i really really hope all those answers are “no, you’re neglecting that child, and also possibly actively harming it.”

so my point is pretty obvious: giving yourself something because you want it does not mean you are caring for yourself.

you know what i want to do all the time? sleep and rewatch twilight every day. but that makes me feel worse. so even though it’s terrible and i hate it, i have to take care of myself (because there is only one of me that i ever get) and go outside and talk to people and eat something that isn’t popcorn because you need protein to live.

(sorry i tried to keep nutrition out of that but i have to actively seek out sufficient salt and protein due to my campus doing a lot of low sodium food, which is bad when u actually need to eat a good amount of salt to keep ur body working, and also i’m vegetarian. so i’m constantly making myself seek it out.)

that doesn’t mean self care is always supposed to be work, but i mean. i’ve always not really gotten into it. i think because i’m hella depressed and i’ve been depressed long enough i can recognize it as this separate entity when it comes to a lot of the mental stuff. like, why do i feel like everything is meaningless? that’s just the depression.

but i digress, this isn’t about me. [proceeds to talk about me again]

one phrase i like a lot for myself is “bad food makes me feel bad.” now, i’m not a fan of putting moral judgements to food. but this works for me, personally. sure, eating a bunch of ice cream right now is good, but it’s going to suck when my stomach flips the fuck out because of all the sugar. and so it seems quite obvious to me that eating that ice cream is not, in fact, caring for my body.

and i think we’d collectively be a bit better served if we could learn to distinguish between self-care and self-kindness. ask anyone who does caregiving (childcare, nurses, etc): it is hard, often thankless (at least for children they’re devils who don’t realize that their toys will get wrecked if they don’t pick them up) work. you care for them not by doing what they want, but what is best for them.

section four: diet culture

as i’ve already played my hand up above with underweight vs haes, i think it’s kind of obvious that i have strong feelings about underweight not being healthy also. so i just want to take stock of what is and isn’t diet culture, and what i think about it. this is probably the most subjective part of this essay.

things i think are diet culture

people trying ridiculous diets. obviously diet culture in the purest sense. it’s real dumb. you need all the food groups to live. sometimes it’s okay, like cutting out sugar, but i’d say its a net negative

not trying to do lifestyle changes. that’s the sustainable way to lose weight. so. yeah.

weight cycling. actually still up for debate if this is bad. this paper says no, along with a lot of others, but i’m not sitting down and reading through all of them, and all of the ones that say its bad, to offer my opinion. i’m leaning towards “it’s better than nothing,” but we’ll see

a lot of other stuff i’m doing this off the top of my head and trying to avoid issues w eating disorders so.

things i think aren’t diet culture

women being pressured to look a certain way. that’s been going on for a long time. being skinny used to be bad. it’s a fact of the patriarchy.

most things? idk i have this impression that like, anyone exercising or eating healthy is a part of diet culture, when in reality, people just have different lifestyles. (also, again, if you’re going with haes, as in HealthyAES (hyaes?) you can’t call it unhealthy or you’re not respecting that damn E)

in conclusion: diet culture has issues, but the correct response to them is not “fuck you, i’m eating fourteen pounds of sugar.” eat fourteen pounds of sugar because you want to. (also it should be fat because if you really want to stick it to the man you should be eating fat, big sugar is responsible for a huge amount of todays dietary problems, both on the under/overweight side)

section five: discrimination

yeah no fuck people who discriminate about fat people. that’s all i’m just moving along to a transition since i was drifting away from my point about health.

section six: weight stigma

...is not responsible for your health issues. being obese is. accept the consequences of your lifestyle.

well. okay. that’s a little unfair. accept the consequences of not treating your chronic illness. and i feel i’ve probably lost people for calling obesity an illness but that’s the whole point of my post.

just like carrying externally heavy objects hurts your joints, so does carrying a lot of weight inside. fat does not cushion your organs, it kills them. getting rid of weight stigma will not make these issues go away.

the treatment for obesity is eating the number of calories you need to sustain a healthy weight at your current exercise levels. (*please consult with your doctor this is more complicated when you have to lose a lot of weight.)

section seven: cico. or, why your metabolism is fine

your body does not break the laws of thermodynamics. it cannot magically create more energy out of a given amount of calories.

there are issues with calorie counting, yes. i think it’s usually done in an unsustainable way that isn’t teaching people to make decisions, just to do math. it can be hard to get an accurate count.

but you are not a miracle of science. you have not discovered how to create and destroy energy. i’m sorry to be the one to break if to you.

if you don’t believe me, if you’re really sure your metabolism is different, go on and get it tested. tell your doctors. because it’s a major problem if it’s not working right.

similarly, i’m sorry, but if someone is the same height as you and a (very, like, +- 50 pounds) different weight, and neither of you have exisitng health conditions, you are not eating the same things/doing the same exercise. you have not broken the laws of physics.

possibly, one of you have untreated celiacs or something of the ilk meaning your body is actually malfunctioning. but if that’s true, i excluded you already, so shoo. get out of here and play in the sun with the other kids.

if you don’t believe this, there’s not much i can do to convince you. but i encourage you to count your calories for a month. find some tdee calculators. weigh yourself. make sure you count everything, it all goes down. check the math. (you can do any amount of time but a month is what you need for weight to be meaningful imo otherwise you’re just proving weight fluctuates a lot).

section eight: cico. or, why counting calories is not disordered eating

it can sure be a symptom of disordered eating, and it can certainly make disordered eating worse, but it isn’t an eating disorder.

also, assuming you’re not trying to verify the laws of thermodynamics, i don’t think counting every calorie is necessary. i have approximate values (500/meal, and around 300 in snacks), which i try not to go over or under.

yeah. i actually use calorie counting to make sure i’m eating enough in one sitting. some of my medication screws with my apetite and then i only eat like 300 calories and suddenly its like 11 and i need to go to bed but i’m hungry but eating before bed makes me feel terrible and it sucks.

but hey, according to some people, avoiding that is unhealthy.

okay i’m moving on before i get salty because the next section is touchy

section nine: eating disorders.

the three main eating disorders are listed way up there. they’re the first three. AN, BN, BED.

oh, yeah, binge eating? that’s actually disordered eating too. it’s not normal.

i’m not going to elaborate on the point because i absolutely know i can’t do it without getting really fucking angry that people call calorie counting disordered eating, like i haven’t watched a fifth grader eat one meal a day because she’s scared she’s overweight. like i haven’t watched a sixth grader cram food into his mouth until he’s sick because he’s worried he’s not bulky enough for sports. like i haven’t watched an eleventh grader tell me he hasn’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday, but it’s fine, he doesn’t want his mac and cheese anyway, since he needs to lose weight.

you think someone keeping track of some numbers is an eating disorder? then either you’re lucky enough to never have to deal with eating disorders on a personal level, and i’m very happy for you, or you have, and you should maybe reevaluate that.

alright i’m cutting myself off now whoop.

section ten: intuitive eating

you know, much like haes, i want to like this. it fits in with my bad-food-makes-me-feel-bad mentality. i’m angry and tired and hungry because i ate like, a late breakfast/early lunch and now i need to eat again because if i don’t eat every six to eight hours i have a medical condition that makes me feel like shit (an aside: unless you’ve been told by a doctor, you don’t need to eat every 2-3 hours. unless you’re a child or have an applicable medical condition, you can probably eat one meal a day and be firne.)

but much like haes, it now has a meaning i can’t in good consience endorse. i can’t stand for a movement that tells people who acknowledge weight makes their joints hurt that they just need to keep eating until they feel better.

section eleven: conclusion

i have a lot more thoughts but again i’m hungry. i meant to talk more about IE and my problems with it but maybe that will be its own post.

i won’t say i’m happy to talk about this because i can’t promise i am (see: eating disorder issues.), but i will most likely respond to constructive discussion if someone sees this and wants to. i can also provide sources. i hate going, “sources available on request” but i tried to provide some stuff for some of the heavily disputed/i already had a source for it and didn’t have to dig through google scholar to find information that’s been peer reviewed.

and i do sincerely wish everyone, at any size, that they fracture the disconnect between them and their bodies (oop didn’t talk about that either another time then) & that they find peace with who they are, and that they get to live happy & fulfilling lives.

#fatphobia #anti haes #obesity #health #haes #i don't know how to tag this lmao sorry if i have a bad tag #q #mine #txt #7th #February #2021 #February 7th 2021 #essay #long post

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incarnateirony · 4 years

Photo

So here we are, The Great Supernatural Rewatch, 01.01 Pilot. If unfamiliar with this rewatch, please check my Objectives and Bracketing post [x], and then my Methodology Notes [x]; Also, reminder that I’m not the only person doing this, though each in their own ways. My Objectives and Methodology are my own.

I’m trying to get a little ahead of the official Jan 3 start date, since I know I will... inevitably fall behind, and this episode was ripe for the initial pick-through for the inevitability of a thousand call backs.

That said, with level 1. SYNCHRONIC: As it reads, unto itself, as best divorced from future knowledge of the story, it’s difficult to do much actual “meta” as much as review and commentary since literally it’s all character and story introductions. There’s some to be had, but beyond things like lighting, the Level 1 viewing tier is not going to lend towards much beyond basic archetypes, and a lot of mythology breakdown. This post will be heaving Level 2 weighted as a result. Most tier-1 posting is going to be an early build of key words, phrases and signs to assemble throughout the season watching (and tap back on later for tier 2 by tagging.)

Also a few unannounced side projects; I’m about to start a “Combat Counter” and “Marksmanship Counter”, to see how Sam and Dean handle both in physical battles/scraps over time compared to each other, and who has the better overall aim in the long term.

Some things saved in this post will seem random and arbitrary, but are potential flags I intend to keep, mostly for later level 2, DIACHRONIC study.

Now to get to the meat:

STUDY: REWATCH/REVIEW STAGE

Allow me to lead with: this episode even unto itself is a fine spectacle of just how much the genre shifted over time. I am a huge fan of David Nutter’s directing; many would know him from, say, Game of Thrones. He didn’t stay long--just Pilot and Wendigo--before moving on. But some of his touches stayed with the show for a few years. The entire ambiance is a giant testiment to survival-horror, a grimness to it, even if the CW itself could never truly capitalize on it. The mood and ambiance was successfully played on. The entire episode is rife with cloudy lighting beaming between bars and through windows, bold silhouette shots, and more that gives an air of mystery even after some characters are established. Dynamic shots are plenty.

Your early reading here isn’t going to tell you much you don’t already know, but is for filing, review, and even reminder/refresher purposes. As the season unfolds, there’s going to be more to interconnect, obviously. If you would like to read more observations on actual parallels, scroll to the DIACHRONIC STUDY header. If I’ve taken a screenshot, even in Synchronic, it’s because it’s a flag I do expect to come back up in diachronic study later and need to catalogue for future parallels and address.

So, imagining it’s 2005, we’re watching Supernatural for the first time. We’re in a very different world, Both in the show, and in the real world. A standard, haunting discord rattles the minds of the audience as a tree moves like a hand towards the window of a suburban home.

We see a classic, nuclear family in this standard home, saying their charming goodnights to an infant. But within moments, we’re told in every classic way that everything is wrong. The infant’s mobile turns on its own accord; the clock stops.

It’s 8:12pm when the world goes haywire. The decorative moon in the room flickers, growing dim. The mother wakes to the sound of a distressed infant on the baby monitor. She rises from bed in her gown.

This is a point I’m left to negotiate cursed knowledge: to all visual cues, the mother’s attire appears to be white. The audience perceived it as white. But we know it, and Jess’ gown later, was actually pink; the film stock failed to capture it. Both short term and much louder in the long term, these two colors can deliver two very different meanings. But for us, a viewer consuming a digital medium with no knowledge beyond what they published, I’m left to decide that the text seems to determine her in a white gown.

The wife sees a stark silhouette, asking if the child was hungry, assuming it was her husband that quieted her. She turns away, tapping on a flickering light over an old marriage portrait that one can only assume was a previous family generation. She descends the stairs.

Here she finds her husband is sleeping. Panic takes her, bringing her to the room. Quickly, chaos erupts. As does she, once seen bleeding down onto the hand of the father from above the crib. We see her, sunken eyes, already dying, screaming without a sound. Silent. Unable to make a noise.

The camera details the desperation of the father rushing his infant to his older child. “Take your brother outside as fast as you can, don’t look back. Now Dean, GO.”

I’m unclear what John thinks he’s going to achieve running back in for Mary as fire takes the home. But soon, he finds young Dean, 4, outside, holding an infant, “I've got you Sammy.” John erupts out of the house as the windows begin to blow, sweeping in to carry Dean, who carries Sam.

As the fire department arrives, the first cords of a song we would later come to recognize as Americana haunt through otherwise chilling music that climbs actively to punch out through our first cold open.

The Winchesters are our first cold open.

We find ourselves in modern day with the rick of a rock cord, and a young woman in a white nurse outfit adjusting her earings while framed by an image of John and Mary--the mother and father--in a picture frame. Though she calls for Sam, we see nothing of Dean--not even a picture. The image on the counter tells of a life Sam(my) was too young to even know, but perhaps is in his blonde-haired woman who teases him about halloween while standing in front of a mirror.

Sam is clearly in his young prime, celebrating his LSAT with a 174 score much to his chagrin with friends dressed up in all styles of wardrobe. Behind Sam a neon black cat sign may just jinx his future in warm but dull lighting; ghostly drapes hide behind Jess in a blue, sharper light.

Sam’s friends perceive he must be the Golden Boy of the family. Jess is proud of him. “What would I do without you?” “Crash and burn.”

Night onsets. Dim lighting feels dusty despite the otherwise hopeful environment. Heavy creaking, groaning, footsteps; Sam rises on instinct, spying an open door and catching haunting noises--sounds. An intruder. And one fateful fight. The choreography spares little.

In actual combat, the intruder--quickly identified as Dean--comes out on top. (Combat ticker: Sam vs Dean: Dean 1) Easy there, tiger. As Dean haunts, revealing his roguish personality quickly, he’s then gotten the better of (this is not going to be considered a combat ticker, it’s not actual combat, but aftermath).

Sam challenges why Dean broke in, but Dean knew Sam would have never picked up without him. They’re interrupted from their silhouetting by the light flicking on, and Dean further displays his roguish charm, enjoying her smurfs, not dreaming of her getting dressed; but soon, it’s down to business--Dean says it’s private family matters. Sam, a unit in the doorframe with Jess, says it can be said in front of her. Until the fateful line: “Dad’s on a hunting trip, and he hasn’t been home in a few days.” The camera zooms on Sam’s set jaw to tell the audience how much weight is in that line as the audio itself drags a raw cord of suspense.

The dizzying stairs are a descent into a world Sam seems to have left behind, with the audience viewing from below. Quickly, we’re introduced to ideas: the Poltergeist in Amherst, the Devil’s Gate in Clifton, “always missing and always fine.” Sam’s bitterness is thick: rather than telling him not to be afraid of the dark, “dad gave me a .45″, though Dean challenges what he should have done. They soon stand in a cage of sharply lit bars, arguing if this was what their mother would have wanted--to be raised like warriors.

Dean challenges if Sam would want a normal apple pie life; Sam slaps back: not normal, safe. “And that’s why you ran away.”--But John told him to stay gone. Regardless, Dean doesn’t want to do it alone. Sam asks what he was hunting, and why Dean wasn’t there; Dean was working a voodoo thing in New Orleans.

Dean reveals Jericho, California--10 men over to years on the same 5 mile stretch of road.

The “Ran it through A Goldwave” is a funny side comment but I’m not gonna get into why beyond LOL “through a goldwave”, that’s-- whatever. But we hear, in EVP, “I can never go home.”

The average viewer, at this point, isn’t going to be deeply instructing the story parallels--and in the scheme of it, Sam’s fear of going home barely scratches the meta surface. We do know John has been missing for three weeks. And find out Sam has a Monday deadline for his entry to lawschool, “whole future on a plate.” Jess worries over disappearing with his family, reminding of the deadline, but he promises to be back in time.

A sharp cut to JERICHO, CALIFORNIA. The driver shares similar concerns to Sam, “if I miss it, dad’s gonna have my ass,” he tells his girlfriend on the phone. A woman in white appears down the road as the car clock fries at 10:17, asking to be taken home. “Take me home?” “She lives at the end of breckenridge road.” “A girl like you shouldn’t really be alone out here.” She hikes her skirt. “I’m with you. Do you think I’m pretty? Will you come home with me?” hell yeah.

They arrive at a dillapidated home. “I can never go home.” No one even lives here. He steps out, turns around, and she’s gone. An eerie handprint appears on the window.

He decides to leave, clearly feeling the offsettling vibes, but isn’t alone. She steams with animosity in the backseat.

He looks into his mirror.

And wipes out.

After a violent death, we cut back to our boys and another exposition: credit card scams (jesus, could sam have yelled it any louder?), breakfast in a gas station bag, you gotta update your casette tape collection--why? because for one, they’re casette tapes. Black Sabbath, Motorhead, Metallica--it’s the greatest hits of mullet rock. “House rules Sammy, Driver picks the music, rider shuts his cakehole.” “Sammy is a chubby 12 year old.” “What, can’t hear you.”

ENTER, JERICHO

Internal impala shots galore will end up being a major vibe of our next few years. A spunky guitar theme plays that we will eventually come to know. Dean pulls out a cigar box full of fake badges ranging from FBI to Bureau of Tobacco from the glove box, quickly showing us how deep this path goes for them already.

The cops review the mystery: no fingerprints, spotless; we find out that the victim was dating the cop’s daughter, who was posting missing flyers downtown. The boys introduce themselves as federal agents, are challenged for being too young, and Dean sasses his way through, “that’s very kind of you.” -- while gathering basic intel, we quickly find Dean’s tongue getting ahead of him, calling their lack of ability to find a connection beyond them all being male victims, calling it crack police work. The brothers’ dual personas exit the crime scene with a cuff upside the head from Sam to Dean, a bickering match, and Dean leaving a Mulder and Scully crack on the cops.

They quickly find Amy, the girlfriend, and lie to claim that were Troy’s relatives and had heard about her, and move to a diner to talk about events.

No major unusual things to warrant events; Sam compliments her necklace. She jokes that Troy got it for her to freak out her parents for “devil stuff”, but Sam quickly educates her on the pentagram meaning the opposite, a symbol of protection.

But there are weird rumors in town--people talk. In-sync, “what do they talk about”; a local legend. She tells them of a girl murdered on centennial where anyone who picks her up disapears forever. The brothers quickly move on to a library with a clunky monitor, fully dating us; not just the lack of good cell phones and wifi, but the equipment and the appearance of the search engine alone. Right, we’re watching this in 2005.

The brothers slapfight again, but Sam shows that even away from the life he never lost his prowess. He asks, “Angry spirits are born out of violent death, right?” and searches for suicide. 1981, 24 years prior. “Our babies were gone and Constance couldn’t bear it.”

So they go to see where Constance took the swan dive.

The brothers begin to fight.

SAM Dean, I told you, I've gotta get back by Monday—

DEAN turns around.

DEAN Monday. Right. The interview.

SAM Yeah.

DEAN Yeah, I forgot. You're really serious about this, aren't you? You think you're just going to become some lawyer? Marry your girl?

SAM Maybe. Why not?

DEAN Does Jessica know the truth about you? I mean, does she know about the things you've done?

SAM steps closer.

SAM No, and she's not ever going to know.

DEAN Well, that's healthy. You can pretend all you want, Sammy. But sooner or later you're going to have to face up to who you really are.

DEAN turns around and keeps walking. SAM follows.

SAM And who's that?

DEAN You're one of us.

SAM hurries to get in front of DEAN.

SAM No. I'm not like you. This is not going to be my life.

DEAN You have a responsibility to—

SAM To Dad? And his crusade? If it weren't for pictures I wouldn't even know what Mom looks like. And what difference would it make? Even if we do find the thing that killed her, Mom's gone. And she isn't coming back.

DEAN grabs SAM by the collar and shoves him up against the railing of the bridge. A long pause.

DEAN Don't talk about her like that.

They’re interrupted as Constance appears, diving off the cliff, and immediately taking control of the Impala.

“Dude, who’s driving your car?” Dean holds up his keys.

They flee, over the bridge, and share another movement. One more fake card later, they find themselves in John’s room, room 10, in a motel. Sam remarks that the place is covered in Salt, and Cat’s Eye Shells. The entire room is covered in case work and lore.

I’ll break down the lore of these in a later mythos reblog, though the Asmodeus one really catches my eye for reasons outside of this episode.

Sam finds a photo-- a distinctly different family than the one on his college dresser. There, it’s John and Mary as an ideal image that framed Jessica. Here, it’s the life he walked away from. But while Dean heads out, he’s spotted by police, and their old coded dialect pops out, “Five Oh, take off.” Federal marshalls confront him: They’re looking for his partner (cue Wincest fans trying to make meta that’s about to be shot down one scene later, in the distance), fake US Marshalls, fake credit cards, is there anything about you that’s Real. My boobs.

Just putting a flag in the name Sheriff Pierce, we’ll figure out if that’s ever valid to anything later. But he tells Dean of the trouble he’s in with a room full of missing people and devil worship, for Dean to snap back he was 3 when they went missing. But they knew he had more than one partner. An older man. John’s journal is thrown out (Wincest meta dies a terrible death beyond previous scene)

Again, I’ll translate the FUTHARK in a follow up post, this is already taking a lot of time as it is.

Meanwhile, Sam is investigating the leads they and John both found. Previously spoken intents to burn her has him ask about her being buried at an old plot by Breckenridge at their old place.

SAM And why did you move?

JOSEPH I'm not gonna live in the house where my children died.

SAM stops walking. JOSEPH stops too.

SAM Mr. Welch, did you ever marry again?

JOSEPH No way. Constance, she was the love of my life. Prettiest woman I ever known.

SAM So you had a happy marriage?

JOSEPH hesitates.

Putting a flag in this for later.

But Sam decides to call the man out.

SAM A woman in white. Or sometimes weeping woman?

JOSEPH just looks.

SAM It's a ghost story. Well, it's more of a phenomenon, really.

SAM starts back toward JOSEPH.

SAM Um, they're spirits. They've been sighted for hundreds of years, dozens of places, in Hawaii, Mexico, lately in Arizona, Indiana. All these are different women.

SAM stops in front of JOSEPH.

SAM You understand. But all share the same story.

JOSEPH Boy, I don't care much for nonsense.

JOSEPH walks away. SAM follows.

SAM See, when they were alive, their husbands were unfaithful to them.

JOSEPH stops.

SAM And these women, basically suffering from temporary insanity, murdered their children.

JOSEPH turns around.

SAM Then once they realized what they had done, they took their own lives. So now their spirits are cursed, walking back roads, waterways. And if they find an unfaithful man, they kill him. And that man is never seen again.

JOSEPH You think...you think that has something to do with...Constance? You smartass!

SAM You tell me.

JOSEPH I mean, maybe...maybe I made some mistakes. But no matter what I did, Constance, she never would have killed her own children. Now, you get the hell out of here! And you don't come back!

Sam is flushed out, and makes a fake 911 call to break Dean out, pointing out that the husband had been unfaithful. More dramatic silhouette shots really capture the early spirit of the piece, with Dean using a phone booth in lieu of other options. Hell, Dean was able to find a phone booth, let that take you back. They determine that John left Jericho, and establish his ex-marine habits with the coordinates, 35-111 that Dean had lied through to the cop. But while on the phone, the woman in white appears in front of Sam on the road, non-crashing.

She controls the car again, and forces him to drive to a broken home, repeating, “I can never go home.” Sam recognizes: “You’re scared to go home.” And that’s when the creepy ghost rapey vibes start, mounting him, demanding he hold her, she’s cold. “You can’t kill me, I’m not unfaithful.” He argues. You will be. Just hold me.

As she goes to rip out his heart, she flickers with the beat of his.

Dean breaks into the scene, unloading 12 shots into the ghost with iron bullets to disrupt her manifestation, giving Sam time to sit up and say, “I’m taking you home.”, where he drives through the house. Dean helps Sam out of the car, only to be telekinetically pinned by a dresser to be disabled.

The lights flicker again. Children manifest, water runs down the stairs, looking eerily like the light could be the Winchester’s old home

Here, she falls when reunited with her children. Sam clarifies--she could never go home, she was too afraid to face her kids (while not viable for the synchronic study, for my own sanity I’m going to note this season, Home will be all but mandatory to touch back here.) Dean says Sam found her weak spot.

They drive down the road with a blown headlight, Sam using an old map and ruler to locate the coordinates. But it’s realized Sam isn’t going with Dean to blackwater ridge, colorado 600 miles away. His interview was in ten hours. Dean declares, “I’ll take you home.”

There’s banter over meeting up later, and being a good team, but Sam goes inside and calls for Jess. “You home?” He finds a plate full of cookies with a note “missed you, love you” and relaxes in bed with the distant sound of a running shower.

And of course.

And so it began.

SYNCHRONIC STUDY: IN-EPISODE PARALLELS

In a first episode, there’s only so much to address. While we may question how much the Woman in White being in White may have been intentional with Jess and Mary, who wore pink (a diachronic full text body note later), in the initial review, it’s worth mentioning for the reasons in part 1 I’ve decided to air towards white in the final text product. Resultingly, the tie between Constance->Mary->Jess seems tangible. But it isn’t really so simple.

“Home.” Home is a huge keyword.

"I can never go home." within the episode unto itself, Sam is struggling to well, get back home. And frankly, returning home is the key of it. (hears distant uppity Wincest stans) The difference here is, this isn't a direct parallel, of course, as much as a general ambient mood that will haunt is forward through the show, even if current viewers just watching episode 1 don't recognize it yet. Sam going home kills Jess, essentially; or at least witnesses her death. At the same time, Sam fears returning to the hunter life, or more doesn't think he can because John told him not to come back. But now that Jess is dead, well, Sam can never go home to the life he was building. He has no choice but TO go back to the other home--the hunter life. Even if he’s certain it’s not what Mary would have wanted for them.

DIACHRONIC STUDY: IN-SEASON PARALLELS, LOOKING FORWARD

There’s no way I’ll have them all in mind, these are just what are flagging me along the way.

1.09 Home As the “Home” rewatch is not that far away, I’m going to save this as a placeholder with general notes about “Mary apologizing to Sam,” even if frankly, she should have to Dean too. But even if, at the time, the exact details of the deal may or may not have been established or hashed out by the authors--we’re not picking at arguing if the authors intended it or not here. Here, Mary apologizes for her deal. Here, Mary apologizes--for drowning her children. For magnetizing this poltergeist to this place that she demands let her sons go, where she forces the spook to let go of Sam. She couldn’t really go home in the truest sense until that passed. (I’ll have deeper chain-link connections on this looking-forward once actually at the episode.

DIACHRONIC STUDY: IN-ERA PARALLELS, LOOKING FORWARD

They’re here, but not pinging me at 1 AM beyond vagueblogging about Lucifer showing up as Jess to haunt Sam and the inevitable time travel episodes about Mary, so placeholder for later updates.

DIACHRONIC STUDY: BEYOND-ERA PARALLELS, LOOKING FORWARD

Obviously compare to above-dropped screenshots.

11.04: Mistakes were made.

Listen, Dean’s grimace seat has been in discussion lately, don’t blame me for thinking of Joseph’s mistakes right after the season as Dean-mirror Pastor Joseph. Funny how Sam’s get shown and Dean’s don’t.

11.23/12.01: Mary’s return in the (white or pink, I’m rolling with white as-above) gown, and all extending details.

12.22: Mary's dreamspace.

12.23: Dean, Castiel's death, Sam removing Dean

15.01: Woman In White, We've got work to do

I feel like the Woman in White is the most interesting of these that hasn’t been as talked to death as, say, the 12.23 elements with the Destiel parallel. After all, the Woman in White largely focused on Sam. It was his fear of home. It was him being faithful to Jess (and being unfaithful can be more than sex, really; after all, he made a promise to come back.) But in season 15, it’s Dean that the ghost of the jilted lover approaches, shortly after Dean nearly killed Jack in his pain. Was Dean the weeping woman? Or was Castiel? Who held the animosity in the back seat?

Or is this a shared path? As Dean puts the Equalizer away under the Cigar Box, he has his own haunting issues in the mirror.

Those will be addressed more deeply when we get to that episode in like half a year. But for now, I’m just putting a pin in it. With a side scribble of “Cas got his Secrets/Mary, Sam got his serial killer and clowns and Dean got... the woman in white with Belphegor.”

15.02: Road Closed

15.03: If one insists Mary and Jess’ dress are pink, Rowena’s dress upon wedding and unbirthing to death (and queendom)

15.04: I still think about Jess (shortly before Eileen’s return.)

15.13: If one insists Mary and Jess’ dress are pink, atop the eventually-addressed meaning of lighting (death and transformation) vs the Empress symbolism (fertility, rebirth), Castiel in pink light.

15.15: If one insists Mary and Jess’ dress are pink. Amara’s trenchcoat.

15.20: Beyond the obvious quotes, and the (IMO failed) attempt at nostalgia, there’s honestly very little callback to the original episode.

That’s it on first glance, I’m sure more will rattle out as we go forward. Well, mostly. Keys to the Legacy from Mint Condition is flagging me alongside control mechanisms like Castiel losing control of his vessel. But those are thoughts to put pins in for now and develop later.

COMBAT COUNTER:

DEAN VICTORIES: 1 (sam vs Dean)

MARKSMANSHIP COUNTER:

DEAN SHOTS: 12 shots, 12 hits.

(hits for any individual will be considered accurate even if targets teleport/flicker out as long as it should have hit the body)

The mythology pasted all around John’s Room is worth a second trip, but off the top of my head I see the Bell Witch and Asmodeus from the Lesser Key of Solomon (near the motel door).

I’ll reblog later to add commentary on that.

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juvian · 4 years

Text

A turn of events - Chapter 11

Header cr.

Summary : Korimi Lockser always been one of the best students, but one day when her crush decide to come visit his friends more often, including her sister. She decide do to the dumbest thing she’s done in her life… fake being stupid to get is attention.

Disclaimer : A lot of swear words and Fairy tail belong to Hiro Mashima !

Characters : Korimi Lockser (Oc), Minerva Orlando, Yukino Aguria, Rogue Cheney, Sting Eucliffe, Rufus Lore, Orga Nanagear, Sorano (Angel) Aguria, Juvia Lockser, Umi Lockser (Oc), Yukito Lockser (Oc).

Shipping(s) : Oc x Rogue Cheney.

Genre : High school au, modern au, romance and humour.

Words : 3534

Chapters : Masterlist // Chapter 10 // Epilogue

Chapter 11

So let’s rewind a bit and let me clarify this. I spent 3 years loving the same boy, I spent 3 weeks lying about the fact that I am not good at math to get close to him and yesterday I discovered that in reality I am not in love with Lyon … And I just realised I may have been in love with my best friend for a while… In what mess did I get myself into?

Did I know it or I just refused to acknowledge it? I am so confused right now and I don’t know how to react. What am I going to do? Prom is in a couple of hours, I don’t know if I am ready to face him? Do I want to speak to Rogue about it or will I just lie and never tell him? I am good at lying apparently so I could just lie, nobody will know it. But Now that I think about it, that’s probably why our friends were so annoying about the fact that we should be a couple…Oh god, so lying is out of the question. I was going to continue thinking about my problems when I heard a knock on my door.

“Yeah?”

“It’s Juvia? Can I come in?”

“Umm Yeah.”

My sister came in and sat on my bed, looking at me with a smile on her face. She seemed a bit worried, but happy that I don’t look like a mess.

“How is Kori-Chan doing today?”

“Good, I feel better, still confused, but better.”

“What happened yesterday, you can tell Juvia anything you know?”

“I know, but I am a bit shy, you know…” I said, embarrassed. “You know that I had a crush on Lyon right…?”

“Juvia thinks everybody knows it to be honest.”

I let out a growl, good everybody can read me like an open book, except the one I had a crush on.

“You also know that I had this stupid plan to make me fall in love with him? Well it failed.

“Oh no, did Gray-Sama tell him!” My sister exclaimed, worried. “Juvia told him to not say anything, he was so confused by your behaviour and it was hard to convince him to not tell Lyon.”

“No, that’s not it, but I still hope this idiot didn’t tell him anything! Especially since it’s not true anymore…”

“You just lost Juvia now… What happened?”

“What to do Juvia when you discover after 3 years that you’re not in love with the person you thought you were?”

“Oh Juvia see… You don’t have a crush on Lyon anymore and you feel weird about it.”

“Yes.” I said, looking down. “I saw him with a girl yesterday and it didn’t even bother me, so I thought it was weird, so I questioned myself a lot and…”

“Juvia thinks you were just in love at first and you were confused when the feelings started to fade so you convince yourself that it didn’t…”

“Maybe also to convince myself that I wasn’t in love with my best friend…?”

“You mean…?”

“I think? I am not sure, but for a while I’ve been feeling weird around him and when…”

Before I could continue what I was going to say my sisters started squealing like crazy and took me in her arms. I was really confused now, why is she acting like this?

“Juvia is so happy to hear that!”

“Why?! Why are you so happy to know that I may be in love with Rogue?!”

“To be honest Juvia always thought you'd make a great couple! And Juvia also knows that Lyon has a crush on someone…But she didn’t want to make you sad so she didn’t say anything!”

Oh…My sister knew that I didn’t have a chance, but didn’t tell me because she hates seeing me sad , she’ll do anything for me to be happy. I should be mad, but I can’t.

“Oh….”

“I hope you are not mad at Juvia, Lyon was making you happy I didn’t want to tell you and…”

“I know Ju, I’m not mad, it’s okay.” I smiled. “Sure, if I knew I wouldn’t have done this, but you didn’t want to make me sad, you are a good sister I can’t say nothing against that.”

My sister smiled at me, came to lay with me on my bed and took my hand to reassure me.

“So what is Kori-Chan going to do now?”

“I am not sure if I should tell him, if I am not 100% sure, he is my best friend. I don’t want to screw this up if I am wrong.”

“You are not wrong, Juvia knows it.” She smiled at me. “And she is sure that even if in the end you are wrong, that Rogue will still be there no matter what.”

“You are right but still…”

“No but, now you have to get up off this bed, your friend will probably come soon to get ready for prom and I am sure you don’t want them to question you to death if they see you like this.” Juvia laughed, getting up and offering me her hand.

I took it and at the same moment my feet touched the ground we heard the bell ringing. Probably the girls.

“Speaking of the devil, here they come.” Juvia said, laughing. “Now come we have to get you ready for the best night of your life!”

I smiled at her and followed her to the first floor. Now I will really have to decide what I am going to do, confess tonight or not.

***

“Go! Go! Go! We got work to do, girls!” Minerva said, pushing me towards the stairs, immediately after I opened the door.

“Are you just going to push me and order me around in my own house?!”

“Yes, I will.”

I groaned and let Minerva push me towards the stairs. I went to my room, my friends following me, where we would prepare ourselves for prom. My sister followed too, she will never let the girls dress me up without her. Sorano also insisted on being there for Yukino. So we were 5 girls in a room, it was a bit of a mess.

“Korimi, now come sit here!” Minerva yelled, in front of the mirror.

“Why am I first?” I groaned.

“Because I decided you would, now come sit here.”

I sat on the chair like Minerva told me to and I prepared for the worst, but my sister came to save me.

“Minerva would you mind I take care of Korimi?”

“No, go ahead, I’ll just watch to be sure you’re doing it correctly.”

My sister laughed and thanked her. She started brushing my hair and I started to relax, but sadly it didn’t last long.

“So Kori, what happened with Lyon did you confess?” Minerva asked, looking through her makeup bag.

“No I didn’t.”

“And what’s your excuse now?”

“I just realise that I was stupid and prefered to have him as a friend.” I said half lying and rolling my eyes.

“He was with a girl weren’t he?”

“Yeah, but for real I realised that I wasn’t in love like a thought.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Yukino asked, with an apologetic smile.

“No it’s okay thank you, I don’t really want to think about it, for now.”

To my surprise Minerva didn’t continue the conversation and continued to observe my sister work with my hair.

“So Korimi what do you want Juvia to do with your hair?”

“I don’t want it curly, but I want it wavy!”

Juvia executed herself and after some time we heard Minerva’s phone ring and she groaned.

“What does he fucking want.” She murmured to herself before answering. “I told you to not fucking call me idiot, how do you want me to tell you this time? With my foot up your ass?!”

Just the way she’s talking, I am guessing Sting is the one calling her right now.

“Sting… No! You can’t see the girls until tonight, stop calling me!”

What was I saying, only Sting can be answered with violence like this. I saw Minerva close her eyes and groaned again before pressing a button on her phone.

“I did it, are you happy now?”

“Yes! Hi girls!”

“Oh, hi Sting!” We said in unison.

“I’m with the guys right now, I wanted to video chat with you, but Minerva won’t let me, so let’s talk like this.”

“Why thought? We are occupied, Sting.” I said, and heard him fake crying.

“But I want to talk to you, it’s that too much to ask?”

“Yes it is!” I said, in unison with Minerva.”

“But!”

“Sting, leave them alone, they have better things to do than talking to you.” I heard Rogue say and I felt the blood reaching my cheeks, I hope nobody saw it.

“Listen to your brother Sting, we gotta be pretty for tonight, bye.” Minerva, said while hanging up on him.

Poor Sting we’re worse than bullies. Juvia continued to style my hair and when she finished it was makeup time. I asked her to go as less makeup as possible, I was not into makeup that much. When she was finished it was time for Yukino to get torture by her sister, who was trying to convince her to do a sexy look, when Yukino only want to look cute like always. Yukino won in the end because Minerva threatened Sorano to take her place if she didn't want to do what our friend wanted. When the older girl finished, me and Yukino took care of Minerva, our friend opted for a dark makeup look with red lipstick, she straightened her hair and did space buns on her head like she usually does.

“Now the dress!” Minerva looked at us with a serious face. “Now the real torture begin.”

***

It was now the moment I was afraid of. The Boys would be here in any minutes for prom and I was stressing out. I still didn’t know how to react to Rogue and I was going to see him soon. I know, I should just act like I always do, I mean nothing changed, so why am I so afraid?

The bell rang and my mom went to get it while we were finishing the important details of our dresses and everything.

“You are such handsome boys, look at yourself! Yukito come see them!” I heard my mom say.

“We should get down now, the boys are here.”

“We can take our time girls, I am honestly not excited to see Sting.”

“Stop being so mean to my date Minerva.” Yukino said, laughing.

We laugh and leave my room followed by Juvia and Sorano. When we appeared on the top of the stairs it didn’t take long for the guys to see us and they started shouting excitedly, except for Rogue who just smiled. My mom was right, they were really handsome in suits.

“The girls are here!” Sting shouteed, excited. “My friends are the prettiest girls in the world, look at them!” He continued and gained a glare from my dad.

“Yeah for once you don’t look like shit Sting.”

“Why do you hate me so much Minerva! What did I ever do to you!”

“Existing.”

Sting fake cried again, while everybody laughed. Yukino joined him and gave him a hug, for which Sting looked at Minerva smirking. He’s dead later that’s for sure.

“You’re beautiful Korimi.” I heard Rogue say.

I almost forgot about him. I looked at him and blushed. How was I supposed to survive the night if my best friend looked that hot?! God help me.

“Y-you are handsome too Rogue, thank you.”

He smiled and gave me his hand and I took it with pleasure. We watched Minerva and Sting fighting. My parents and the girls were laughing. I let go of Rogue’s hand and went to see my parents.

“Oh Korimi, you are so beautiful darling.” My mom told me, smiling. I could see her eyes sparkle, because tears were threatening to fall, same for my dad.

“Your mom’s right Korimi, you are really beautiful.” He said. “I rented a limousine for you and your friends since there’s too much of you for my car, it’s waiting outside.”

“Thank you dad, you should’t have.” I said, laughing and hugging them.

I looked at Juvia, who were waiting for me with her arms wide open. I went to her immediately and hugged her with all I had.

“I hope Kori-Chan and her friend will have fun tonight.” She said. “And good luck with Rogue.”

“Thank you Ju, I love you.” I said, smiling.

“Juvia loves you too.”

“Are you coming Kori? We’re going!” Orga yelled, everyone waiting by the door.

“Yeah I’m coming! Thank you Ju, mom and dad!”

“Thank you, Miss and Mister Lockser!”

***

When we arrived the music was really loud, tables were placed a bit everywhere and in the center, they keep a big space for everybody to dance like they wanted, it’s prom after all we are here to dance. We sat at a table and waited until it was time to eat. The food was delicious, the principal did a great job finding the chef, even if I believe it was Mister Yajima… Anyway. We stayed a bit and soon after Minerva insisted that we get up and dance. Rufus and Orga followed her immediately, Sting convinced Yukino to follow too. For me, I didn’t feel like going yet, I was still nervous. Rogue looked at me, I knew he didn’t want to dance, but he probably found it weird that I was still at the table and not trying to convince him to dance.

“You’re not trying to make dance Kori? You really want to wait until Minerva forces you?” He said, laughing.

“I want to sit a bit longer, I feel weird.”

“Are you okay? Is it Lyon again or what you ate?” He asked, worried.

“Neither of those, I am just sad it’s already prom, I would say, time flies.”

Rogue gave me a reassuring smile and stood up. He gave me his hand and I looked at it confused.

“Come here, If we don’t get up Minerva will find a way to make us.” He said, smirking. “And if you are sad about school ending, better enjoy this night to its fullest.”

I smiled at him, took his hand and followed him to the dance floor. We joined our friends who had disappeared in the middle of the dance floor. Yukino tried to follow Sting, who was actually a good dancer, Minerva was dancing with Rufus and Orga. Our tall friend also tried singing, but Minerva hit him, nobody wanted to hear Orga sing to be honest… After a couple of seconds Yukino noticed us and told the others we were there.

“Finally you are! I was starting to think I had to drag you here myself.”

“Sorry Mimi, I wanted to sit a bit more, but we are here now!”

“Now the party can start for real! Orga yelled putting his fist in the air and the others followed.

***

We danced for a couple of hours before someone came to make an announcement. She took the mic on the stage and asked us to stay quiet for a moment, so everybody went to their table and sit so we could listen to her.

“Hi everybody! Are you having fun?” She asked and everybody shouted. “Good! I want to take a minute of your attention to make the announcement everybody has been waiting for, the prom queen and king!”

Everybody became excited and you could hear everybody chatting and make predictions about who would be the prom queen and king. I heard a couple of my friend's names here and there and even my own, which I didn’t understand, because I don’t think anyone will name me queen of anything. The girl asked us to keep quiet again and start her announcement.

“So with the student’s votes the prom king is…Rogue Cheney! Come take your crown.”

We all looked at Rogue with confusion on our face especially me. But I saw in the corner of my eyes Minerva smirking, oh no she didn’t….

Sting was laughing so hard he almost fell while Rogue got up off his seat looking at me with shock and confusion on his face and went in front to get the crown. I am pretty sure Minerva walked around school and paid people to vote for me and Rogue, I hate her. Please don’t call my name! But if I am not named Queen that means another girl will have to slow dance with Rogue…. Okay no! Please call my name!

“And our prom queen is… Korimi Lockser! Congratulations to you two!”

My friends shouted and Orga pushed me gently out of my chair when he saw I was too shocked to get up. I saw Minerva laughing and I glared at her.

“Don’t look so shocked sweetie go get your crown!”

“Minerva Orlando, I will kill you.”

“I will be happy to see you try, now go join your king!”

I glared at her one last time and went to the front too. I looked at Rogue with a blush on my face before accepting my crown and let the girl put it on my head. When it was done, I took my place beside Rogue and the girl took the mic for the last time.

“Now the prom queen and king will open the slow dance for us and we will join them a bit after the start of the song, thank you so much for being here, I hope you have fun and congratulations again to them !”

Rogue took my hand and made me follow him to the center of the room. The attention on us was making me even more nervous than I already was and all I wanted was to hide somewhere nobody would see me. The song started playing and we started dancing, since Rogue was not really a good dancer, I had to take the lead which made it worse. After a moment, people started to join us and I started to relax a bit.

“You’re tense, you should relax.”

“I know but it feels weird being the center of attention like this.”

“It’s Minerva’s fault isn’t it? Probably Sting too.”

“Yeah… I saw her smirking, everybody looked shocked when they heard your name except her, she probably organised all this.”

“And I am happy she did honestly.” He said and I saw the serious look on his face. “It’s giving me the courage I didn’t really have.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“What I am trying to say is that…I like you Korimi.”

Oh. My. God. Did me… Did I hear this right? Did he just say that he liked me?! I could see that he was getting nervous, probably because of my shocked face right now. I was probably scaring him more than I should.

“You…You say what?”

“You heard it right, I like you.” He repeated, himself nervously. “In fact I’ve liked you since I met you, but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, so I preferred to stay friends, better than not be with you at all.” He took a breath before continuing. “And there was Lyon, you liked him so I didn’t know what to do. Before you ask, no, the fact that you don’t like him anymore didn’t make me take this decision, in fact I decided months ago to confess to you tonight, Lyon or not. Time flies and I was scared I wouldn’t have another occasion to tell you this so. So yeah, I like you, no I love you Korimi and I mean it.”

I honestly I didn’t know how to react, my best friend just confessed to me that he was in love with me for years and since I was stupid I never noticed. I was so shocked that I stopped moving, which worried him, I could see it and I felt bad. I didn’t know what to say so I did the best thing I could do right now… I kissed him. Yeah... I kissed him... It didn’t take long for him to kiss back and honestly it felt so right. All my worries disappeared in an instant, it felt like all my life I was destined to be there. Why did it took me so long to see it? We broke the kiss after a while and looked at each other's eyes.

“I don’t know what to say…”

“It’s okay, I think the kiss was enough for me to understand.” He said, laughing at me and I looked at the floor, embarrassed. “Well I hope, it meant something.”

“Yes! You looked scared, I didn’t want you to think I didn’t feel the same, because I do.” I said. “I realised it yesterday, but I still do.”

Rogue laughed and kissed me again. I had nothing to be scared about in the end, everything worked perfectly.

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maryellencarter · 4 years

Text

Queer asks copied from @corelliaxdreaming :

1. Is your family accepting? -- Hah. No. My bio-family is not accepting at allllll, so I went and got myself an internet family instead.

2. What is your sexuality? -- Weird. The strongest part of my identity is Aromantic. I seem to be pretty much allosexual, maybe bisexual; most of the people I find myself attracted to are men within a fairly specific category (physically fit to muscular, at least as competent as me, kind, and often a bit dorky; I also have a weakness for clever hands and sexy voices), but the women I'm attracted to cover a much broader range of appearances and personalities. I fall pretty much in the category of the one Tumblr post that said something like "Being bisexual means you're attracted to three specific fictional men and all women", even though the attraction to men... feels... more attraction-y? I'm still really struggling to figure that difference out.

3. What is your gender identity? -- Sort of genderfluid, sort of genderqueer, sort of maybe agnostically agender? I used to ID really strongly as a trans man, and then after a year or so of being accepted, I found myself turning female. I bounced back and forth for a lot of years but seem to have settled down at a point where it doesn't especially matter to me most of the time. Which is a lot more comfortable than hurtling around to different points on the gender spectrum without warning.

4. Favorite color? -- Blue. Royal blue, mostly. That really deep sky blue you get sometimes during the fall. A bunch of really bright colors.

5. When did you find out your sexuality? -- Oh, it's been a process. For a long time I identified as asexual. It took me years to figure out I was actually romance-repulsed, and more years to figure out I had any attraction to women. I'm still sort of confused by that part. Like I mostly just want to look at them being pretty, but I also definitely want to look at their boobs? Maybe touch some boobs? I'm honestly not sure.

6. What do you wish you could tell your past self? -- Oh lord. Sexuality and gender wise? I'm not sure young me could have been hurried along the process of self discovery. I'd really like to tell her she was being abused and gaslighted and that she needed to take her great-aunt's offer of a free ride and major in geology *before* she broke her health, and maybe also tell her she needed a CPAP machine, but she might just think I was a temptation of the Devil. Also I'm not sure if the CPAP machine was an option before Obamacare. Or the psych meds she needed, either.

7. Have you changed labels since realizing you were queer? -- Oh yeah, all over the place. Asexual, trans, genderqueer, biromantic (for about a week), aromantic allosexual bisexual maybe pansexual... some people apparently even count PCOS as an intersex condition, since I have a lot more beard and chest hair than is normal for perisex women, to the point that I always have to explain to a new doctor that I'm not in fact on testosterone, my body just does that. I've never quite felt right claiming the intersex label, but I've tried on a lot of others. I think my header may still say "queer on every conceivable axis".

8. How was your day? -- Um. I got stuck wandering Cracked.com for most of it. Then I drove up to check out my pulmonologist's office, which doesn't *say* they're closed for the pandemic, so I guess I'll go up again on Thursday and poke them about whether my appointment still exists. Then I went and wandered around a very large very dead mall on that side of town, hatched a bunch of pokeymans, then came home and ate some split pea soup.

9. Do you have any queer friends irl? -- I don't have *any* friends irl, and it's kicking my ass. I have like one or two coworkers I could hypothetically hang out with outside of work if we weren't so all-fired busy. But if we're talking "friends I have seen irl at some point", I'm pretty sure they're all queer. They might also be limited to @tigerkat24 and one other person who doesn't use Tumblr, I'm not sure.

10. What's your favorite hobby? -- Probably knitting. It's soft and squishy and brightly colored, and it can be as brainless or as complex as I could possibly want.

11. Who's the best queer icon in your opinion? -- I honestly don't have an opinion. I've always been too far outside the community to figure out whomst the options were.

12. Which pride flags do you like the most design / color wise? -- Pansexual. I'd probably have a lot more pride merch if I IDed as pan, but it just never feels like it fits quite right.

13. Do you wish you could change any pride flags? -- YES. The aro flag is the exact same colors as the agender flag, just in a different arrangement, and it pisses me off because you can't distinguish aro merch from agender merch unless it's specifically flag shaped / has the stripe arrangement. I liked the yellow/orange/green/black aro flag, I found it much more cheerful, but apparently it was too similar to something Rastafarian. But you can't find alloaro flag merch at *all*, even though it has the green and yellow, which I like.

14. Are you openly out? -- Can't really help it, since I legally changed my name to a distinctively masculine one back in the day, and I do not remotely pass as male. So anybody who both sees or hears me and knows my legal name, knows there's *something* queerish going on. (I go by a gender neutral name these days, but haven't yet been arsed to change it legally because it's an entire hassle and a half.)

15. Are you comfortable with yourself? -- Mneh. I'm not *un*comfortable with my gender and sexuality, particularly. Sometimes I wish I could pass as male, sometimes I wish I could have cute cleavage. Sometimes I tie myself in knots with my feelings about women.

16. Do you experience dysphoria? -- I used to, very strongly. It hasn't been very aggressive lately.

17. Bottom, top, or verse? -- *shrugs* I guess I'd be a switch or "verse" because I'm down for whatever.

18. Are you femme, butch, or neither? -- I swing wildly between wishing to present Extremely Butch in a lumberjack style, which is impractical in the Southwest, or wishing to present Extremely Femme but being unable to do so, and tying myself in knots over the inability. (I can't wear femmey shoes due to my stupid feet, I can't have pierced ears as they get infected and the one pair of nice lightweight handcrafted earrings I paid $50 for is gone with the rest of my shit, I'm too lorge to find any nice dresses or be able to like try on prom dresses and stuff, I have a tendency to break jewelry as I'm extremely rough on my possessions... etc.) In practice my gender presentation is Fat Slob. :P

19. Do you bind? -- Not technically, but I do wear cheap sports bras which tend to flatten rather than lift or shape.

20. Do you shave? -- Only by necessity. I shave my face when I remember, because my beard looks extremely douchey and rather like pubes. Occasionally I shave my cleavage if I'm trying to present femmey. I pretty much never shave anything else unless the hair is getting Smelly.

21. If you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be? -- Um. Good question. The thing is, I am fairly strongly romance-repulsed, but I do want and enjoy queerplatonic relationships, so I would draw a distinction here between "dating" someone and being "in a relationship" with them.

22. Are you in a relationship? -- Yes, in fact.

23. Describe your partner. -- @camshaft22 . Um. She's very much the Hobbie to my Wes. She's very snarky and dies a lot and I love her very much.

24. Have you ever dated anyone of the same gender? -- Given that we're both genderfluid, I would say I'm in a relationship with someone of the same gender, yes.

25. Dated anyone of another gender? -- I've never dated or been in a relationship with anyone else, so I guess the answer is no.

26. Tell me a random fact about yourself! -- I always use this one, but I once lived in four different states (mostly non-contiguous) within a calendar month.

27. Do you own any pride flags / merch? -- No. I used to have a whole-ass collection that I added to every Pride, and then I lost all my damn shit and haven't had the heart to start looking again. Well, I have a rainbow necklace Kat sent me which is pretty nice. Can't wear it till my damn sunburn heals, though. :P

28. Have you ever been to a pride parade? -- Yes, when I lived in Bisbee. They have quite an excellent Pride which draws people from as far off as Denver.

29. Any advice to someone who isn't out or is exploring themselves? -- Take your time. It's okay if things change. You don't have to solve yourself all at once. It's more important to find people who will accept whoever you turn out to be.

30. Pineapple on pizza? -- I've honestly never tried it. Part of me feels like I should, in order to develop an opinion, and part of me feels like I'm just as happy being outside of that particular debate.

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