#the cynicism that is born from what used to be idealism that was crushed by a society that didn't want change

[mirror-to-the-past]

Owari-Hajimari ENG Lyrical Analysis

Heyo, I just finished TWEWY recently and have been pouring over the soundtrack and turning things over in my head. Thought this song particularly was interesting in terms of the game's themes and whatnot- it seems to be from Joshua's perspective, both in the subject matter and the context in where it first played in the game (pretty sure it was the first battle Neku has alongside Joshua when he first forms the pact with him). So, here's me taking a stab at this whole thing, and digging at potential insight in Joshua's character.

("Happy-go-lucky, yo, here I am

I'm not a yuppie or a puppie, yeah, hear me roar

Jinxes mean nothin' to me they're such a joke

Never can stop me 'cause I'm on my way

Minus and plus, got 'em plugged in the wrong way

And now minor keys are easier to hear

Regression and progression, I start to realize something true")

The speaker wants to be seen as a devil-may-care yet powerful individual, not someone who's a shallow, materialistic young person or a naïve person. They don't pay any mind towards the idea of "bad luck" or spirituality, tossing aside several societal ideas of 'fairness/luck' inherently in the universe; they just want to carve out their own path. They're a cynical person, they see more of the tragedy and sadness in the world than the good and positivity that they think most people ought to appreciate. They look at the world around them and see how society constantly oscillates between growing and advancing, then falling back into old behaviors.

("’How many bottles did you throw into the right bin?’

‘Did you wash them nice and clean?’

Geniuses invent machines and wealthy people invest more funds

My momma used to say start with what you can do today, yeah, not tomorrow

So I list it up, and set this up (listen up!)

My secret plan is based on this truth)

With the first two quotes, the song starts its thematic motifs on recycling which equates towards the idea of looping/being locked in a cycle. The quotes also reflect the procedural and orderly nature of what is required to do a thing that's good for the planet and society, in this case recycling. It takes consistent effort and deliberated action to do what is most beneficial for the world around them- a level of effort and precision that can seem tedious to expend. The speaker also illustrates the taxing nature of this “do-gooder” attitude of compliance and diligence with how the dedication of innovation is often reliant upon the wealthy to promote new products- reflecting how the speaker likely thinks that even with individual diligence and determination in as many places of one’s life as possible, we are strung along to the rhythm of the rich in terms of seeing significant results from our practices. The speaker’s mother, implied to be confronted with the speaker’s feelings of impotence in an unbending society, tells them that if they want things to change, they have to focus on the moment and not become overwhelmed with the bigger picture (“tomorrow”). The “list it up/set it up/secret plan based on this truth” is repeated in the song, demonstrating extreme significance for the development of the speaker’s core values- in response to all of these perceived struggles present in the world and the speaker’s society and an interpretation of the advice of their parent, they internalized a mindset/course of action that may be seen as unacceptable to others, hence the “secret” nature of their “plan.” The speaker copes with their struggles in an analytical and strategic way.

(“It's a small world, it's a small universe. Remember? We used to sing along to the song

Listen to what she says, we are the universe, OWARI-WA HAJIMARI, HAJIMARI-WA OWARI”)

The characterization of assumedly the universe’s “song” as feminine reflects a level of reverence, attachment, feelings of fickleness, or reliance, as is often seen in feminine personifications of inanimate concepts. The speaker then says “we are the universe,” which shows that these are also all traits that they may see in humanity itself. ‘Owari-wa hajimari,” and “Hajimari-wa Owari” translates to “The end is the beginning,” and “The beginning is the end,” respectively, echoing the cyclical viewpoint of the speaker when it comes to the idea of the universe’s progression- any movement is movement, for creation or destruction, but stagnation is what is against the will of the universe itself.

(“An original strategy is what I need. Contradicted world? I've had enough indeed.

Whatsoever, what is forever? I hear them say it, again and again

‘Recycle, reuse, and try to reduce.’ But in the first place, I refuse to confuse!

How many companies want to sell us more services and products? Can't we share?”)

The speaker is at odds with the idea of maintaining the status quo and the level of dissonance that comes from the public at large as a result. “I’ve had enough indeed. Whatsoever, what is forever” flowing thought, in that the ideas bleed together [I’ve had enough indeed, whatsoever/Whatsoever, what is forever?], with the “whatsoever” being the emphasized focal point of the two phrases. This “whatsoever,” meaning “at all,” reflecting an entirety or generalized feeling, or meaning “whatever,” expressing apathy in a longstanding, archaic manner, is the key point here, showing both chronic fatigue at the tug-and-pull/paradoxical system the speaker is in, alongside a presented apathy about it. The speaker is tired of what they view as trivialities born from the idea of individual responsibility for one’s own well-being and the well-being of their society [expressed once again through the recycling metaphor], using double wordplay in response to the recycling metaphor: “recycle, reuse, reduce,” responded to with “refuse” = waste. This shows how the speaker wants to exit the system, highlighted by how they put blame on those behind production and consumerism for pushing the narrative of individual responsibility upon the populace, while they remain the ones primarily in control of the thrum of waste vs. reuse. The speaker wants a collective responsibility to be acknowledged, where no single person is an island to each other, and no person ‘higher on the ladder,’ so to speak, gets to decide the rules of how the common person ought to live their life.

(“How about talking about something different, because all I got is fake, play money

Jigsaw puzzle I can't find the last piece, maybe I swallowed it when I was a kid

My daddy used to say, ‘Keep your eyes on reality and kid don't you forget to enjoy it’

So I list it up and I set this up (listen up!)

My secret plan is based on this truth”)

This verse focuses on trivializing consumerism and asking questions about emotional wholeness with motifs of childishness/childhood, respectively. The speaker feels helpless discussing the inner working of society especially on a class-based critique basis, because they feel the concept of economy and materialism is all illusory anyway, feeling more occupied by how they feel a sort of deep-running gap in themselves and their self-concept that is implied to have persisted since childhood. The ‘jigsaw-puzzle’ in this case symbolizes the speaker, the ‘last piece’ symbolizes the dissatisfaction the speaker has towards society and life in general, and they blame something deep within themselves for this feeling of emptiness, hence the loaded responsibility behind the ‘maybe I swallowed it when I was a kid.’ The speaker’s father must have born witness to these feelings and beliefs, seemingly more in favor of materialism and against internal emotional introspection in comparison to his child. ‘Keep your eyes on reality,’ has the father likely telling the speaker that should care more about things like the aforementioned ‘play money,’ and ‘don’t you forget to enjoy it’ has the father telling the speaker to set their feelings of emotional emptiness to the side, and focus more on the pleasures of life to fill that gap. With the final two lines, the speaker shows that they internalized their father’s words in accordance with their aforementioned strategy on how to approach the dissatisfaction of life.

[white-gold-tower]

Raigho:

-Title: The Vestige

-Alliance: Aldmeri Dominion

-Class: Dragonknight

-Age: 29

-Height: 6’4

Personality:

Nonchalant, level-headed, cocky, and somewhat cynical, Raigho is a very goal oriented individual who is very well aware of the skills he possesses and how to use them most efficiently. He frequently finds himself doing whatever it takes to achieve victory, through noble actions or not.

In addition to his typical demeanor, Raigho does possess a slightly flirtatious side. However, he often finds himself burdened with heavy fears of abandonment.

Backstory:

Raigho was born as the result of an affair between his father, a wealthy exporter in the moon sugar agricultural industry in Elsweyr and his mother an extremely mysterious yet ruthless individual. He lived the early part of his life with his mother, never meeting his father who was aware of his birth but had no contact with him. The circumstances in which he was initially raised were less than ideal as his mother, Kava, never wanted children and often distanced herself to the point of neglect from her son.

This continued until Kava seemingly had enough and brought Raigho to his father in Reaper’s March. While the young Raigho was initially eager and nervous to meet his father the moment quickly soured as his mother simply wanted to discard him on his other parent. When Raigho’s parents saw each other again for the first time in years, his mother was straight to the point and told his father she had no interest in this child and he could either look after him from now own or abandon him as well. She really didn’t care. Raigho’s father was unwilling to simply abandon his child so he agreed to look after him. As Kava walked away Raigho ran to her looking up at her with tears in his eyes and when she looked down all he saw was an expression of distain and without saying a word Raigho’s mother walked away.

In addition to meeting his father for the first time Raigho was also introduced to his step-mother and half-brother, and after that day his new life began and unfortunately it wasn’t a drastic improvement. Raigho’s father was incredibly wealthy and truthfully Raigho had everything he needed provided for him but was ultimately emotionally neglected. Raigho’s father was a business man who lived a rather hedonistic life and did not focus too heavily on his duties as a father. Raigho’s step mother was a rather miserable woman trapped in a loveless marriage with an unfaithful husband and often tried to escape he troubles through excessive drinking. While she was aware of her husbands adultery, the arrival of a child resulting from on of his affairs was a particularly bitter note and she often treated Raigho with contempt.

Despite being the same age and growing up alongside each other Raigho and his half-brother, Qa’ara, were never particularly close not only stemming from their stark contrast in personality but also from that fact that Qa’ara was aware of the disaster his family was and viewed Raigho as a walking symbol of their father’s infidelity and in some ways blamed him for the dysfunction of his family.

Raigho was essentially left to do what ever he wanted as a child and teenager and became a bit of a problem child especially in his teenage years. He often found himself in trouble and even occasionally being brought home by the guards. Fortunately for him his father’s wealth often allowed him to escape any lasting punishment. However his luck didn’t last forever did last forever. Once night Raigho found himself in over his head running from the guards in a situation he knew he couldn’t get out of. While trying to escape he suddenly found himself pulled into an alley way and face to face with Speaker Terenus. Terenus informed him that the dark brotherhood had been watching him for some time and knew that he held remarkable potential and that Raigho had a choice he could choose to come with Terenus and escape a life that brought him no satisfaction and learn what he was truly capable of or he could leave this alley, face the guards chasing him, and hope for the best.

Ultimately, Raigho chose to follow Terenus, leaving what family he had without so much as a goodbye. Raigho and Terenus left Reaper’s March and traveled for several days until they reached the Gold Coast and it was there Raigho became an initiate of the Dark Brotherhood at the age of 16. Raigho’s first night in the sanctuary was something he’d never forget as he lay awake unable to sleep and crushed by a fear of the life and future he had just set for himself. Curiously, he did not think of the friends and family he had left behind in Reaper’s March, all he could think of was his mother.

Raigho’s training began immediately the following morning and the process was harsh. He often found himself training alone under the watch of some other assassin as he was the only initiate in the sanctuary until after several months another initiate arrived. A young Khajiit girl, named Mavari. The two were now expected to train alongside one another, but Mavari was rather timid at first and had difficulty adapting to the training, something Raigho noticed. In an effort to reach out to his new comrade he offered to show her how to hold her sword and from that moment on, the two became close friends.

Raigho and Mavari remained in the dark brotherhood for the next ten years and becoming two of the organizations most proficient assassins. However, despite Raigho’s skill as an assassin he came to find himself doubting his convictions and often felt a strong sense of guilt as he fulfilled his contracts. This feeling was often repressed but his doubts of the organization he served continued.

However, this service was not meant to last as was directed towards a mysterious hooded figure who prepositioned him with a contract. Unexpectedly, Raigho found himself ambushed and incapacitated by several worm cult operatives. Moving in and out of consciousness, Raigho found himself in being dragged along in chains before laying on an altar looking up at a high elf necormancer, Mannimarco. Before he could fully process what was happening Raigho felt the pain of a knife stabbed into his heart and suddenly woke up under an ominous blue sky, Coldharbour.

Raigho was well trained but no amount of training can prepare someone for the horrors that await mortals in Coldharbour. Raigho was skilled enough to occasionally escape whatever facilities held him but he often found himself in shackles or on a tortures rack yet again. Over the course of the next three years, Raigho suffered a seemingly endless amount of torment and each time he suffered yet another mortal wound he prayed for the release of aetherius but found himself revived in Coldharbour.

During the course of his three years in Coldharbour, Raigho met several other damned souls and made several allies but overtime many of them either succumbed to the horrors of oblivion or found themselves transforming into feral soul shriven. However, out of all the temporary allies he made in Oblivion the most notable was none other than Lyris Titanborn, who would eventually helped lead him to his freedom. During the eventual prison break Raigho found himself jumping into a dark anchor mooring and being transported to the coast of Kenarthi’s Roost. Laying down on the sand and letting the waves wash over him, all Raigho could do was look up at the calm blue sky and a warm sun and laugh.

[amateurasstrologer]

BY REQUEST #11 CUSPS

What's the deal with cusps?

Logistics only: it means you were born on or near the transition from one sign to the next.

Seasons change, signs change. Yes, on the 22nd of September it’s nominally Fall, not Summer; around September 24th, we’re out of Virgo and into Libra. But it doesn’t feel like it’s Summer one day and suddenly Fall the next day, and it doesn’t feel like it’s Virgo one day and most definitely Libra the next day. These dates aren’t meant to be rigid, black-and-white boundaries - they all come with a period of transition where you’re getting a little taste of both. Summer is ending and Fall is beginning: the spiders come out, the leave start to change, the days get shorter, but gardens are still growing, the sun is still shining, and activity is still peaking. It’s a transitional period. The same shit goes for the signs - every sign has different dimensions, every degree has a distinct flavor. Cusps are just one of those dimensions - it’s when you’re coming up on a change, and anyone who’s ever experienced a change of any kind knows that shit is a process.

Now: your nature is your nature. If you’re a cusp baby, there’re going to be other things in your chart that support the same information the cusp placement is dishing out. The Sun represents your fuel - it keeps you motivated, it keeps your lights on, it keeps you on your shit, it keeps all this biz pushing. All a Cusp Sun placement means is that you’re getting that sweet sweet jolt of motivation from two places, instead of getting a concentrated dose from one place. Can other planets be on a cusp? Of course.

Listen: being on a cusp is not better than being in the middle of a sign - being in the middle of a sign is not better than being on a cusp. They’re just different. Everyone has different needs, everyone has different placements. Wherever your shit falls, it’s there for a reason and that reason is good, so stop being jealous and relax.

Which degrees are cusp degrees? How close to the edge do I have to be to fulfill my dream of being a cusp baby? Honestly, I don’t know, and I don’t care. Within 3 degrees, within 5 degrees, within 7 degrees? Whatever. You know what you feel to be true about you. It’s different for everyone, roll with it.

Go for Sun, go for Moon, go for any other planet or degree. These are qualities, they don’t change.

PISCES / ARIES The bitch is starting over - you’re not going to find a more intuitive, inner-activity placement than a Pisces / Aries cusp. You add all the “I gotta deal with myself” of Pisces with the “I gotta make a change” of Aries and you get someone who’s ready to tear apart the cycle like it’s scrap paper. Or you’re so self-centered that you can’t get a grip on reality - cycle on, sister.

ARIES / TAURUS The bitch is making it happen - intensity meets practicality in explosive combo of getting shit done. You’re pulling from Aries dank intuition bank and you’re matching it with Taurus’s desire to establish itself and you’re cooking up some seriously self-guided action. Or you’re so scared to fail that you’re living in a basement somewhere - I don’t know, man, it’s your call.

TAURUS / GEMINI The bitch is deconstructing - the transition from Taurus to Gemini has everything to do with understanding your conditioning - knowing your history and figuring out how it’s shaped your character. What’s gotta go, what’s gonna stay, and what’s really you. The potential to understand yourself and effectively utilize your skills is huge. Or you’re justifying some ruthless-ass behavior like it’s your full-time job - crushed it (and also crushed any chance of having healthy relationships).

GEMINI / CANCER The bitch is dealing with her feelings - you have Gemini’s untouchable perspective and Cancer’s self-understanding. Good luck finding a feeling or an experience that you can’t process, not gonna happen. Your identity is deeply felt and flexible - full-on camouflage, espionage, garage (overflowing with old personas). Or you’re acting superficial as shit and the most unaccountable - maybe change that ugly attitude instead?

CANCER / LEO The bitch is a fucking force - dripping energy like a perpetually broken faucet. There’s no turning these babies off, they’re meant to find a way to take their feelings and channel them into productive avenues. Ridiculous creative power. Or you’re just an emotionally underdeveloped hot mess - watch where you step, everyone.

LEO / VIRGO The bitch is also a fucking force but she’s not in your face about it until she is - take Leo’s intensity, cut it with Virgo’s repressed feelings, get an artistic soul. So many feelings, so little ability to communicate them. A never-ending story of ever-improving self-expression. Or you stuff that shit so far down geyser gazers flock from all over to watch you explode on the masses - better find a way to let it out.

VIRGO / LIBRA The bitch is ch-ch-ch-changing - this is an extremely emotional placement. There’s a lot of hidden shit and emotional activity going on here (thanks, Virgo). Better buy some Benadryl because these sweet babies are ready to shed - beliefs, values, identities, whatever - they’re here to nail down the best approach to life (thanks, Libra), and they’re ready to wipe out to figure it out. Or they’re victimizing themselves into a crusty shell of endless confusion and superficiality - nice.

LIBRA / SCORPIO The bitch is seeing how it’s all connected - Relational Queens, Scorpio is seeing the invisible strings that connect us with emotional x-ray vision and Libra is keeping those findings relevant and relatable. There’s no better placement for social and emotional understanding. Or they’re sipping on a crazy, almost disturbing mix of manipulation meets emotional doormat - just say it and stop fucking acting.

SCORPIO / SAG The bitch is looking to mind-meld - no one wants to share more than a bitch on the Scorpio / Sag cusp. Scorpio feelings with Sag sensibilities? Please - all they want is to get wrapped up in that blanket of acceptance so tight they can’t see themselves. Deep feeling, deep thinking, refreshing the missed connections page. Or they’re passive to the point of no return, turned side-stepping responsibility into an Olympic sport - hot.

SAG / CAPRICORN The bitch is dying to make it real - you take Sag’s ideologies and you throw in Capricorn’s reality hard on, and you get someone who is ready to lock that philosophy in and live it. Whatever goals they’ve decided to set, they’re achieving them. Showing you how it’s done every day of the week. Or they chose a whack-ass set of values and they’re locking in some shit ideals, shit relationships, a shit self-image - maybe reflect before you fire up the kiln and burn us all to death?

CAPRICORN / AQUARIUS The bitch is influencing you - socially minded collective guides. With Capricorn’s unadulterated power and Aquarius’s brilliance, these bitches are leading the trends, they’re that perfect blend of real and strange, endearing and influential. They got the goods, literally. Or they’re cynical, hateful-ass bitches with zero awareness of how their presence effects others - get over your inferiority complex and just run this shit.

AQUARIUS / PISCES The bitch is a true visionary - Critical, conceptual thinking meets technical skills meets collective needs meets subjective feeling and understanding. They’re dreaming up effective, creative solutions to societal problems. Or they’re saying, “Critical thinking? Reality? Effectiveness? Hm. Nah, let’s cut that bit completely aaand yes we’re a go for living in a conspiracy theory terror dream” - relax, nobody asked for all that.

Happy charting, you cuspy-ass bitches.

XO BULLSHIT FREE ASTROLOGY

[thebluelemontree]

Is it wrong to say that Sansa uses an out of sight out of mind coping mechanism? I noticed it because it's what I do a lot. I know some ppl say she rewrites traumatic memories to make the memories bearable but it doesn't make sense. If that was how she coped, wouldn't she have been telling herself lies about Joffrey still in acok? Or found a way to erase/rewrite Marillion's attempt to rape her?

Yes and no. She does that except all the times she doesn’t. ;) I think that characterization is extremely reductionist (and ignores character complexity and  growth) when it’s applied that broadly to every situation Sansa has been in. You have to take these things instance by instance because they aren’t all the same. Sometimes that labeling doesn’t fit at all. In many cases, it feels more like the fandom pathologizing the act of romanticizing or trying to push aside or reframe something unpleasant or even traumatic when that’s just something most human beings do now and then. Some do it more than others, but its all within the realm of typical coping behavior and being older or more educated or more “logical” doesn’t make one immune to it. So I hope you don’t let those interpretations make you feel abnormal or more fallible for identifying with Sansa in that way. Romanticizing doesn’t even have to be about coping at all, but simply expressing desire through daydreams. People imagine being in idealized scenarios with crushes all the time.  

You also hit the nail on the head. Sansa just doesn’t go around making up false narratives about every objectively awful thing that happens to her. In fact, her actual responses to those moments can be a useful basis for comparison when we’re analyzing the unkiss, for example. Misunderstanding the unkiss is usually where a lot of these assumptions stem from. That’s a whole other can of worms in itself. The unkiss is just too long of a discussion to put here, so I just recommend this post as to the reasons why it isn’t about trauma and take a browse through my unkiss tag. It does bear repeating that Sansa factually remembers every scary thing that happened during the Blackwater and why it happened, indicating she has processed it honestly and critically, before any incarnation of the unkiss happens. The unkiss is a mismemory added on to the facts, which began as her being the actor that kissed him first. It’s not a lie to deny the facts or to excuse his behavior. It’s regrettable to her that Sandor was not able to be the person she could rely on to get her out of KL at that time. Nonetheless, this repressed desire is just so strong in her that it manifested in a kiss so real she could remember how it felt after the reality of his leaving KL for good sank in. 

Early AGOT Sansa tended to want to move past unpleasantness rather quickly. Just sweep those red flags under the rug so everything can go back to blissful harmony. Sansa is naturally averse to conflict and just wants her present with the royal family to be smooth sailing into a bright future. Ned had a very similar tendency when it came to concerns over Robert’s true character. He saw things that disturbed him, but he hoped and clung to his idea of Robert anyway. For Sansa, this resulted in some misplaced blame and rewriting events so she could deal with the aftermath. This is mostly seen in her processing the Mycah incident after Lady’s death and how her perception of all the characters involved shifted in varying ways. This is after she knew perfectly well what really happened, because Ned says Sansa had already told him the truth of what Joffrey did while Arya was still missing. However, it would also be unfair to completely chalk this up to Sansa’s idiosyncrasies. We have to put her flip-flopping in the context of the situation as well. She’s also experienced a gutting loss with Lady’s death and the fact that the first blow to her innocence was her father volunteering to put Lady down. She doesn’t have Catelyn to go to with her confusion and hurt, and Ned has largely been silent. She’s also still engaged to Joffrey through all this, this is still a patriarchy, there are political ramifications to speaking against a crown prince, and she doesn’t know how to deal with seeing such cruelty and vindictiveness in her future husband. Especially when he responded to her tender concern and wanting to help him with venom and hate. 

I mean, jeez, she’s 11. I don’t expect an 11 year old to understand how to identify the signs of emotional manipulation or see how this situation can escalate into domestic violence. Just because Sansa can’t articulate what is happening within her relationship with Joffrey, doesn’t mean she has blocked out any notion that Joffrey can turn his anger on her. Part of the reason she misplaces blame on Arya (and rewrites what happened) is because Joffrey turns scornful of Sansa for being a witness to his emasculating shame. He punishes her with the cold shoulder because she didn’t immediately take his side and pretended not to see instead. He regains power through making Sansa feel small and fearful of his moods. 

“He had not spoken a word to her since the awful thing had happened, and she had not dared to speak to him.” -- Sansa II, AGOT.

Sansa looked at him and trembled, afraid that he might ignore her or, worse, turn hateful again and send her weeping from the table. -- Sansa II, AGOT.

This is coming from someone who is supposed to love her and someone she will spend the rest of her life with. To fix things, she must be unequivocally on Joffrey’s side going forward or suffer the consequences, which we can see happening as her story completely flips over breakfast sometime later. This is not saying Sansa is fully exonerated from not supporting her sister when she needed her, but that it’s understandable how she arrived at this point. Even when things start to get really bad after Ned’s arrest, Sansa still holds out some hope that she can appeal to Joffrey’s (and Cersei’s) love for her to get him to be merciful. Is it really her fault she believed a part of Joffrey really loved her (and thus was reachable by her pleas) if he also heavily love bombed her and treated her like she was the most special girl in the world? Love bombing is a classic feature of the seduction phase leading up to abuse.  

So we can see Sansa does ignore truths and rewrite events sometimes and her personality is a factor; however, the context surrounding it matters a lot. Post Ned’s execution, Sansa does a full 180 regarding Joffrey and Cersei.

Sansa stared at him, seeing him for the first time. He was wearing a padded crimson doublet patterned with lions and a cloth-of-gold cape with a high collar that framed his face. She wondered how she could ever have thought him handsome. His lips were as soft and red as the worms you found after a rain, and his eyes were vain and cruel. "I hate you," she whispered. -- Sansa VI, AGOT.

Once she had loved Prince Joffrey with all her heart, and admired and trusted his mother, the queen. They had repaid that love and trust with her father's head. Sansa would never make that mistake again. -- Sansa I, ACOK. 

"A monster," she whispered, so tremulously she could scarcely hear her own voice. "Joffrey is a monster. He lied about the butcher's boy and made Father kill my wolf. When I displease him, he has the Kingsguard beat me. He's evil and cruel, my lady, it's so. And the queen as well." -- Sansa I, ASOS. 

There’s also her conscious efforts to push away thoughts of her dead family and Jeyne Poole, but she states why she does that. It’s traumatic, the tears start flowing uncontrollably, and she is desperately trying to avoid falling into another suicidal depression. Her survival in KL depends on her holding it together and appearing loyal and obedient to Joffrey. Mourning her loved ones would imply to Joffrey she is plotting treason. Besides, she knows that even if she did ask Cersei or LF about Jeyne, she has no reason to believe they’d do anything but lie to her face in a patronizing way. There’s no point being plagued with wondering what the truth might be when she can’t do anything about it. Still, she prayed for Jeyne wherever she might be. She genuinely thought Arya had made it to WF on the ship and was safe at least until she got word of her brothers’ deaths and her home being sacked by the Iron Born, though there was initially a touch of projection and fantasizing about Arya being free while she remains captured. As of Feast, she believes she is the last Stark left alive and she has no one but Littlefinger to help her. So while she is suppressing her grief, it’s done with good reason, and it’s not being replaced with any false narratives to cope. 

We also cannot ignore that her relationship to Sandor Clegane has instilled in her an appreciation for the un-sugarcoated truth now that she has experienced betrayal and injustice first hand. In his own way, he’s encouraged her to listen to her own inner bullshit detector. The rose-tinted glasses have become a lot more clear compared to where she started. This is a newly learned skill though, and her self-confidence has been wrecked by internalized verbal abuse. She’s also been left on her own to figure out people’s intentions by herself, which runs parallel to her mounting desperation to get out of KL as Joffrey’s violence escalates. Developing a touch more of a jaded, skeptical side does sometimes clash with her enduring idealism and faith in other people (like with the Tyrells). This struggle is not a bad thing. The goal isn’t to become as cynical as the Hound, but to arrive at an earned optimism that has been tempered by wisdom and practical experience.

Her situation with Littlefinger is much more challenging than anything she faced in KL. He moves her where he wants her to go with complex web of lies, manipulation, grooming, isolation, coercion, dependence, guilt and shame. Her safety and desire to go home are tightly bound to being complicit in his lies and criminal activities. She feels indebted to him for getting her out of KL, even though his methods push her past her boundaries and force her to compromise her moral integrity. The thing is, there are things Sansa does know about LF, but she doesn’t seem to be ready to try and put the puzzle pieces together. She’s not daring to ask probing questions about Lysa’s reference to the “tears” and Jon Arryn or about the possible dangers of Maester Colemon prescribing sweetsleep for Robert’s convulsions. While the subject of Jeyne’s fate is still one she doesn’t want to revisit, somewhere in her mind she does know LF took custody of her friend. If it feels like this is somewhat of a regression back to her early AGOT self, there’s probably some truth to that; however, it’s perfectly okay for positive character arcs to be an imperfect progress. There can be relapses, regressions, setbacks, missteps, and misguided actions. All that growth isn’t lost. Everything she knows is just stored in the back of her mind, not forgotten completely. The general trend line moves her toward successfully confronting Littlefinger with the truth when GRRM is ready to pull the trigger. She’s definitely aware of Littlefinger lying to her more than she lets on and she knows his help is not out of the kindness of his heart, but motivated by what he wants her to be to him. But it’s not like she has the option to go anywhere else, does she? She’s a wanted criminal with a bounty on her head and has no other friend or ally in the Vale she can trust with the truth of her identity. Confronting LF without any means of neutralizing his power over her isn’t the smartest thing to do when he’s shown her he can literally get away with multiple murders. Again, it’s not just her personality that makes her hesitant to pull back the veil and face the horrible truth head on. The outside forces pressuring her perceptions and behavior cannot be discounted either.    

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I hope you're doing great, so this is going to be long because I’m really in need for help. I’m an INFJ, raised by an abusive passive aggressive father and an INFJ mother who was mistreated and abused a lot, my Fe was very underdeveloped and I used to be a funny guy without having self-care for my image, now after having a crush and seeing my blind spots I see that my reputation isn’t the best and people take advantage of me, I have good friends but none I chose deliberately, I also used to be bullied at middle school and this is where my Se Grip I guess, my Fe is being developed and I’m reading about emotional intelligence but I’m still naïve and ignore subtle signs that other people are using me, and I always fall for the same trap although I have set goals, but I don’t know how to respect myself, I dwell in my mistakes, I can’t respect time and can’t take life seriously. 

I guess it is somewhat of trauma response like Chandler from friends, I try to be funny even when people disrespect me, my crush had a boyfriend who treated me passive aggressively and bullied me, at that time I wanted to give a response but I couldn’t, in each situation I felt trapped, I felt unable to react, I felt under threat, my heart is weak and I get these small anxiety attacks, I’m anxious about getting out in the world, each time I’m overwhelmed with tasks I feel guilty and not being able to finish them, to give more context, I became responsible of my family two years ago, and this feels like a burden, and suddenly Fe started developing, I have religious background and was part of a religious group but now I’m no longer that person and I don’t feel belonging anywhere, I tried to fit In different groups but none felt real, my friends don’t have the time for me and I became very cynical of death and my experiences to the point that I share everything about myself, I’m too clingy, and I overshare everything as a defense mechanism which started after developing feeling towards my crush and telling a friend about it. I need a friend to walk properly on the streets, my self confidence is no longer part of myself because I’m having an identity crisis, I feel guilty and see all my mistakes and each time something triggers one of those mistakes I feel even more anxious, I’m trying to get out more but with no use. 

I’m trying to rebuild myself by focusing on my goals, but its not enough, I guess I need hibernating time in my home to build better work skills and focus on my job more. My friends do not see what I see, except for an INTP, but he is unreliable for social situations but sometimes gives advice that I disagree with and I follow because I respect him a lot, he is like a brother, but his social tips led me to disastrous things, I’m not complaining, but I’m seeking to understand my own behavior. I have shared some of my experiences on social media, and then deleted them, some people used that to mock me and cyber bully me, I don’t know how to get over feeling exposed, I want to live, but not that interested, yet I’m not suicidal, in fact I’m rational and have some basic understanding of myself, but I want to move on from that, and I keep making social mistakes

___________________________

To summarize: You are lost because you have not been able to respect yourself and balance your own needs with your obligations to the world - a sign of Fe overindulgence. Lack of proper self-care has produced unhappiness, but you have not chosen the right paths to remedying the unhappiness, which only makes it worse. Then you got trapped in Ti loop rumination, trying to "make sense" of your feelings from a distance, exacerbating emotional dysfunction. All you have now is a head full of negative and anxious intrusive thoughts that worsen as your emotions are left to escalate unresolved. When you lose connection to Ni, you lose the ability for nuanced thinking, so your thoughts become more and more extreme, as Se grip sets in. Is that about right?

You shouldn't blame yourself for other people's bad behavior. Trust is required for healthy relationships. It is not your fault for trusting people, rather, it is their fault for betraying your trust. No one should take advantage of your kindness and vulnerability. It is not a crime to love and you should not feel ashamed about having emotional needs. If you are ashamed of needing love, then you may have a self-worth problem. Do you believe that you are deserving of love? 

Ni development is meant to help you fulfill your personal potential, such that you have something to feel proud of and something to contribute. The dominant function is the ideal route to self-respect. When you don't have yourself and your life in order via healthy Ni development, you won't be able to have healthy relationships for developing Fe. When you approach relationships from a place of desperation, you not only end up using people as a means to fill your deficits, you also make it too easy for people to take advantage of you.

It’s not your fault when people mistreat you, but it is your responsibility to put in place some reasonable protections from exploitation and abuse, which goes back to the vital point of practicing proper self-care. This requires learning how to set healthy boundaries when you're navigating relationships or putting yourself out there in society. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. You have to know how to spot callous people and avoid them. And you have to learn to be a better judge of the right time and place to express yourself honestly.

A relationship is a two-way street. It should be mutually satisfying and mutual beneficial. This means that self-disclosure should occur at a gradual and mutually respectful pace. Only by opening up bit by bit can a relationship grow in an organic and healthy manner. A great way to protect yourself from harm is to allow enough time for people to show you who they really are. The way that you behave, often in extremes, is not conducive to gradual relationship growth. And you are often in (Se grip) extremes because your emotional life is out of control.

You didn't grow up in an environment that taught you how to have healthy relationships. That’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility to make up those lessons, as an adult who wants to live a better life than you had as a child. People aren’t born with knowledge, just like you're not born knowing how to do math. You have to learn through proper attention and study. You’ve spent how many years learning math that you may not even use? And how long have you spent learning to take care of your mental state? Few people can teach themselves math from scratch and psychology is no different. There’s a lot of knowledge and expertise required to address the psychological problems that you are describing. A big reason that psychological problems get worse over time is that people are not equipped to deal with them alone with no objective input or expert guidance to rely on.

I am but a stranger on the internet. The most I can ever do is help clarify/identify the problem and point you toward a possible solution. I can’t carry out the solution for you or with you. In order to get yourself and your life in order, you have to be more honest with yourself about how you feel, and address your feelings and emotional needs in a more compassionate and timely manner. It’s hard to care well for others when you’re not even able to care well for yourself. If you don't have anyone to lean on, then lean on professional help as a start. A cognitive-behavioral therapist can teach you how to stabilize your intrusive thoughts and messy emotional life, and from there, you will have a better time dealing with other aspects of life. A therapist can also teach you better social skills for dealing with relationship and boundary issues. If you can’t see a therapist for whatever reason, I have provided books about these topics on the resources page.

[mythgirlimagines]

It may be a little late, but here is this week’s talentswap! Consider this a Talentswap Thursday (Hey, the alliteration is still there!). Introducing Myth, the Former Ultimate Cosplayer!

——————————————————-

BACKSTORY AND TALENT 

Because she was wracked with scoliosis as a kid, Myth only had anime and the manga her parents bought as modes of entertainment. Luckily, with many operations, Myth managed to get on her feet and out into the real world. But because of her past, Myth only has anime characters (particularly shoujo heroines) to model her behavior around. Myth eventually became famous around school for her skill in textile work, and eventually she started getting commissions from her classmates. But perhaps what she is best known for is her uncannily-accurate and self-made cosplay. If there is an anime convention going on somewhere, you can always count on Myth being there with a brand new cosplay. Myth is now currently making a living as a professional cosplayer and model, but she’s currently taking some time off to chaperone this year’s Ultimates and Jr. Ultimates.

——————————————————-

RELATIONSHIPS

Wyre Anon, Former Ultimate Magician

When Myth first entered Hope’s Peak, the first person to catch her eye happened to be a charming magician in a tuxedo, the ideal mysterious and male shoujo lead. Even after figuring out that this seemingly charming guy just happens to be a loud and rough-and-tumble girl, Myth’s admiration and slight crush on Wyre didn’t fade in the slightest, and they are only the best of friends, even in their adult years. Myth loves to be Wyre’s adorable assistant in her magic shows, and Myth usually lets Wyre model her crossplays (in which Wyre looks damn stunning in them). If someone messes with Myth, Wyre hexes them for life.

Outfit: A black top hat with a ragged red rose on the top, black eyeshadow, a black coat over a white dress shirt with a popped collar, black dress pants and matching shoes and cape.

Anon Scar, Ultimate Astronaut

Despite only being a teenager, Scar managed to ace both the physical and academic exams that the prestigious astronomical institute hands out to her, and is on her way to become a full-fledged astronaut. The intelligence and caring/maternal nature of Scar are unconvincingly covered up by the self-created facade of being an evil alien overlord, being sent down by her superiors to conquer the entire galaxy, starting with Earth. Myth loves Scar’s dark aesthetic and lets Scar model her dark and elaborate dresses and suits. Scar secretly keeps the edgy cosplay Myth created, for they make her feel “powerful”.

Outfit: A black scarf with star badges, a black and white jumpsuit, black boots with yellow soles, makeup from original design.

Fusion Anon, Ultimate Detective

Originally working at his grandfather’s detective agency, Fusion was exposed to crime and investigation, ever since he was little. Originally handling simple cases, such as lost pet and infidelity cases, Fusion stumbled upon and eventually solved an elaborate homicide that eluded even his grandfather, earning him his status as the Ultimate Detective. With Fusion’s wild hair, enormous appetite, and cheerful, yet protective (and almost paternal) attitude, Myth thinks that Fusion wouldn’t be out of place in a shonen anime. Fusion happens to also be a massive anime nerd, which lead to the cosplayer and detective bonding easily.

Outfit: An oversized grey overcoat, a blue vest over a white dress shirt and a red necktie, blue pants, and black loafers, glasses from original design.

Fusion Anon II, Ultimate Adventurer

Sightings of a mysterious girl with a flowing dress and a sunhat cropping up all over the world made international headlines, with many people making theories on the true identity of this mysterious girl, especially since she responds to all questions directed towards her with either memes or sarcastic remarks. That mysterious girl eventually became known as Fusion II, who was eventually given a place to stay at Hope’s Peak, and was given the title of the Ultimate Adventurer, for the sheer scope of her globetrotting. Much to the dismay of the globetrotter, Myth figured out about Fusion II’s nerdy side, and wouldn’t stop bringing it up.

Outfit: A white sun hat with a red ribbon, a red pashmina scarf, a white parka with light blue fluff on the inside, a flowing blue skirt and grey hiking boots, sunglasses from original design.

Just Anon, Ultimate Entomologist

Being regarded as a prodigy when it comes to studies of animals and nature, Janon specializes in and is a pioneer in the study of insects, having discovered several new and previously-undiscovered species of insects, thanks to his fool-proof method of insect capturing: sleeping in the middle of the forest and letting the bugs crawl all over him. Myth is rather afraid of insects and she regularly turns to the lazy, cynical and foul-mouthed insect expert if she encounters a creepy-crawly, much to the annoyance of the helmeted scientist, who just wants to go to sleep with his insect friends surrounding him.

Outfit: A helmet that resembles a rhinoceros beetle, a camo-colored hoodie and matching pants, dirt-stained boots, face mask from original design.

Sparkle Anon, Former Ultimate Anthropologist

As a devout lover of foreign cultures, Sparkle wrote books detailing both her experiences traveling and the philosophies and mysteries of the charming foreign places that she visits. Sparkle also happens to be a devout lover of anime, particularly magical girl anime, and Myth’s cosplay of the leading lady of Sparkle‘s personal favorite magical girl anime. When Sparkle heard that the famous cosplayer would be chaperoning the Kibo-Con trip alongside her, Sparkle fangirled, to put it lightly. Myth and Sparkle love to roleplay as the two leads of Sparkle’s favorite magical girl anime and pretend their fighting the monster of the week.

Outfit: A brown overcoat draped over her shoulders Yasuhiro-style, a smaller brown jacket, dark blue gloves, a red-and-cream plaid skirt, black leggings, brown boots, glasses from original design.

Egg Anon, Former Ultimate Inventor, and Wet Sock Anon, Former Ultimate Pianist/Assassin

Despite the seemingly innocuous talents of the twins, Egg and Wet Sock are quite the devious duo, to put it extremely lightly. Wet Sock uses the alluring piano music that they play to shank people while they are in a trance and Egg invents the various weapons that are used in their twin’s assassinations. And that is ignoring the cursed comments that the two both sprout on a daily basis, that basically alienates them from practically all of their peers. While the cursed comments shatter the image of the “androgynous gentlemen” Myth thought they have, Myth simply adores the steampunk/mustache-twirling aesthetic that they both have.   Egg’s Outfit: Black and brown goggles, a short-sleeved white shirt, black suspenders, short brown pants with a black tool belt, black and brown rocket boots.

Wet Sock’s Outfit: A black jacket over a white dress shirt and a red tie with a gold treble clef on the front, black pants, black shoes, glasses from original design.

Curious Anon, Jr. Ultimate Tennis Pro

As a student of one of the most prestigious schools in all of the country, Curious truly has it all: being cool-headed, helpful, rich, athletic, and just so darn adorable. Curious has a massive fanclub at their private school for precisely all of those things. Curious is famous all around the country, for both their affluential family and his unparalleled skill in tennis, despite both their age and their height. In her anime-inspired journey, Myth managed to find both the kind athlete and the oujo trope all in one. Curious is all too eager to help Myth model both her male and female cosplays, and Myth agrees with Curious’s fanclub on their looks.

Outfit: Hair tied back into a small ponytail with a green and yellow striped headband, a white tanktop, a green cardigan tied over their shoulders, green and red shorts, knee-high white socks, green and white tennis shoes.

Anon Nerd, Former Ultimate Child Caregiver

Having been born and raised in an orphanage, Nerd was accustomed to taking care of children, being prepared for just about any scenario that a child could find themselves in. But despite his prowess at taking care of children, Nerd’s personality isn’t exactly child-friendly, for he is foul-mouthed, foul-tempered, and despite caring for children 24-7, claims to hate children. Upon noticing the contrast between Nerd’s temperament and talent, Myth figured out that Nerd was the token tsundere love interest within seconds of meeting him. It helps that even the kids at Nerd‘s orphanage have taken quite the liking to having Myth as a mom.

Outfit: Tan cargo pants with child care supplies in each pocket, black, red, and white sneakers, dress shirt and tie from original design.

Eldritch Anon, Ultimate Aikido Master

Having been both born and raised at an isolated temple, with only his master to keep him company, Eldritch’s master taught Eldritch to never let his guard down against anybody, for they can and will take advantage of his small and weak build. This life-long message, along with Eldritch’s constant aikido training, resulted in a short but strong boy, who beats anything he sees as a threat into a bloody and bruised pulp, and to Eldritch, anything and anyone could be a threat, so he punches everybody just to be safe. Not even the adorable and innocent is safe from Eldritch’s paranoia-fueled pummeling, much to the wrath of Wyre.

Outfit: Hair in a long ponytail with a white Nippon Ichi headband, a black gakuran top over a white tank top, black pants, white socks, brown geta sandals that boost his height.

Dream Anon, Ultimate Artist

Because Dream was extremely creative but hyperactive and impulsive as a kid, Dream’s parents gave her a large canvas that she could draw on, and within 15 minutes, Dream made an indisputable masterpiece, much to the shock and amazement of her mom and dad. Dream eventually signed up for several art programs and became a master in practically all art forms, with sculpting and coloring being her two favorite mediums. Because of their similar talents and attitudes, Dream was basically the shonen answer to Myth’s shoujo persona, being hyper and boyish, in contrast to the bouncy and girly vibes Myth gave off.

Outfit: A black beret on her head, a pink and white striped sweater, blue paint-covered overalls, a tool belt with art supplies, pink slippers.

Iris Anon, Jr. Ultimate Maid

Despite her less-than-stellar past being raised on the streets, she was eventually found, cleaned up, and was adopted into an influential family as their maid. Iris delivers all service with a smile, whether that’d be cooking, cleaning, or simply entertaining guests and business partners of the influential family, making even the most stoic and ice-cold business magnates leave the estate with a giddy and amused smile on their face. Myth loved a girl who can pull off a classic French maid, and definitely tried sticking an eyepatch or a dragon tail and horns on Iris, when she wasn’t looking, but Iris was all too happy to model for her.

Outfit: A standard black and white French maid dress and black stockings with red Mary Janes being the only splash of color.

PURPL-3 (aka. Purple), Ultimate Robot

Having been created by only the greatest masterminds of robotic engineering, Purple was created to be a literate robot who could read and recite books for blind kids. Because of her very purpose, Purple has a massively large vocabulary and uses very old-fashioned and archaic terms in her daily speech. When Myth heard that she’d be chaperoning an actual robot, Myth thought she was having some sort of fever dream, but lo and behold, Purple arrived in all of her robotic and extremely timid glory. Myth internally thought that the world is becoming more and more like science fiction everyday, upon being aware of Purple‘s very existence. 

Outfit: A black beret with a satellite antenna on top, pale metallic skin, purple helmet-like hair, and black armor-like plating.

This series centers around Myth, dazzling everyone with her skills as a cosplayer, and perhaps finding love with someone.

——————————————————-

PERSONALITY

Basically, after recovering from her scoliosis, Cosplayer!Myth decided to reinvent her previous shut-in personality, to be more appealing to others (which succeeded by the way). She chose to model her new personality after shoujo heroines. Despite being (seemingly) ditzy and a massive klutz, she compensates for that by being very kind-hearted and being like an emotional rock for her classmates and conmates. She’s very hardworking on her commissions, often sacrificing sleep to work on her costumes (she hides the eyebags with makeup). Just like with regular Myth, Cosplayer!Myth thinks a lot like a romance novel, often trying to woo her prospective love interest with shoujo tropes.

————————————————-——

APPEARANCE

Cosplayer!Myth has her naturally brown hair dyed purple and tied into two massive pigtails with two red bows with stars in the center. She wears contact lenses, and her outfit is a simple seira fuku with a white dress shirt, a light blue ribbon, a darker blue skirt, tall white socks, and black Mary Janes.

————-——————————————

Once again, I’d like to apologize for being late. But, I hope you like the talentswap anyways! Let me know what you think of this swap in your reblogs!

[oikawas-bae]

Uwu can I request another? If u can, how about an Oikawa x reader soulmate au where they can only see the red string but their soulmate can’t. reader can see the red string but is too scared to tell Oikawa about it because he’s had so much girls lie to him about being his soulmate fluff pls 🥺💕💕💕💕💕

Me @fluff: I don’t know who this man is 🤔

WC: 1.4k

Finding the person at the other end of this piece of string can make me completely content… The comforting sentiment crossed your mind again and again. It was something you thought of fairly often; you’d been born with a red string tied around the highest cusp of your pointer finger. As soon as you reached an age where what others said didn’t sound like irrelevant nonsense, your mother explained to you what it meant. You and your soulmate were bound by a single piece of thread and nothing could sever it, only kissing your soulmate would make it disappear. You tried biting, it went right through your teeth. Scissors dulled at an attempt of cutting the thread. Tearing it with your hands was impossible and just gave you callouses.

It’s not that you didn’t want it there. Its mere existence told you there was someone perfect out there for you but that prospect was incredibly daunting because there was only one ideal partner out there for you. And they could be anyone, from anywhere. The fear only exacerbated when you laid eyes on the boy who had the other end of your string neatly tied around his finger, he was oblivious about it but the link put you into a stupefied paralysis: Oikawa Tooru was your soulmate.

The athletically talented Oikawa. Oikawa, the center of attention in every room he walked into. The irrefutably gorgeous Oikawa. His name rang in your head over and over. It was almost a comical coincidence; you usually stayed out of his way and he didn’t know a thing about you. This string was a game changer, you now knew you were meant to be. He was your end game and knowing that had you feeling incredibly powerful. But you wouldn’t tell him now. If you did...that immature, feeble-minded, middle school Oikawa might be too stupid to be in a relationship so you took action to become only his friend and get to know him as a friend alone. in the future, you’d verify the validity of this bond you and him supposedly shared by telling him about it. It was just a myth after all…but it was worth a try.

_____

It was the morning of just any other day at Aoba Johsai and you’d arrived an hour early at the school so you sat under the shade of the trees by the cafeteria while you scrolled mindlessly through your phone.

“(Y/n) , help me! My heart’s been broken again!” Oikawa stumbles over himself dramatically, waving at you from a short distance.

“Eighth one this month, huh? How’s that been?” At this point, you’d become accustomed to hearing about Oikawa’s breakup stories, most of them had something to do with the girl lying to him that they were soulmates and they would swear to the moon and back that Oikawa was the one they were connected to. It was actually stupidly unfortunate that there was no way to know on his end whether they were lying or not.

“Seventh! And my heart hurts (y/n)! I just want somebody to love me for real and not just for fake reasons. This girl wanted me for my money. She used me to get me to buy her some expensive dress she said we’d go dancing with...then she just bailed! So not cool!-“ that wasn’t even the beginning of it. He’d go off for another two hours on a loop of indignation if you didn’t stop him. But he needed to be listened to, at least for a few minutes. You eventually averted your sleepy eyes from Oikawa to the string on your finger. It was a reminder of the painfully obvious truth. Oikawa was right in front of you and the powers of the universe had indicated that he was yours to have. Yours to live happily ever after with.

But admitting the truth of the thread seemed fruitless now. He wouldn’t believe you, not after all these girls had claimed to be his soulmate and he believed them so naively everytime. If you told him, you knew that would shatter the friendship you had now, you would become just like every other girl in his eyes. He’d think you were after something too, which you weren’t.

Oikawa caught your attention captured by your outstretched fingers. “You never told me who you think your soulmate might be, I could be your wingman!” He cooed, poking your sides playfully.

You wrapped your arms around your sides to block his hands from making you contort so awkwardly and you mumbled, “dunno...It’s probably some guy halfway across the world.”

Oh how it hurt to say that. To lie to him just as the other girls did. It was a lose-lose situation; you either told him about the string and he’d never see you the same or you didn’t and you fell deeper into a pit of misery as you try to desperately escape something you wanted with all your being.

“That really stinks!” He patted your back, pulling you into a side hug, “we’ll find your international husband someday. I’ll be an important part of your wedding right?”

You mentally slapped yourself for not telling him about the string before all these girls could hurt him.

“It would’ve been way easier if you were my soulmate, huh Tooru?” You threw the idea into the air just to see what he’d say.

He didn’t respond as you expected. You imagined he’d laugh hysterically, “nice one, (y/n)!” And move on. But he didn’t. He looked at the floor and then at his long fingers, “I think I’d like that, actually.”

You were taken aback to say the least. He didn’t mind? Did this mean you had a chance? You waited for the punchline but it never came. “You serious, Tooru?”

He nodded, now turning to face you with confidence. He scooted closer and took your hands into his, “of course, I think I might love you but it’s hard to say if it’s real because of that ribbon myth...A lot of people vouch for it so I can’t help but believe it. And if that means that you have someone perfect for you somewhere and my perfect girl is out there then I guess this is just a temporary crush, right? So I shouldn’t pursue it.”

Your hands were now shaking in his, eyes tearing up from the overwhelming urge to give away these feelings that you and for him. But you blinked the moisture away without his notice.

Oikawa continued to think out loud, “You know...I can’t stop thinking about you most of the time...Whenever we part ways on our walk back home, I’m already yearning to see you again tomorrow. Sometimes I think about the day you won’t be in my life for whatever reason and I almost can’t breathe, it hurts to think I won’t get to see your smile or hear your voice or watch you get angry at me. But i’ll get over it right? When I find the one? The real one.” He cynically referred to the countless girls who had played him.

“What if I told you I was tied to you by some weird string that can’t be cut and i've been hiding this from you because I was waiting for the right time to tell you but now it seems too late because I doubt you’ll believe me?” You strung the words together quickly and he was barely able to catch what you said at the speed that you said it. But he managed. And he was confused.

“... I’d believe you. Whether it was the truth or not, I’d accept it because it’s you and I’d just hope it was the truth because I can’t shake you out of my head and my heart.”

“Poetic moron, you took that from somewhere.”

“I mean it.” And he did. It didn’t take much convincing on your end either. You wanted to believe that he believed you.

You didn’t realize it until it was already happening but Oikawa’s lips were on yours, grazing yours with reluctant passion. You couldn’t think in the moment but this felt so natural and right. The stuffy air around you dropped and you felt the best you ever had. You eyes darted to your finger and the string had faded. Hoping that Oikawa would say something romantic after your moment, you were sorely disappointed.

“Okay but did you ever get jealous when I had a girlfriend?” The grin on his face was almost cruel. This was Oikawa Tooru, ladies and gentlemen, your soulmate.

[cb-conceptlibrary]

CW: Rich lifestyle, High school antics, School cliques, Sexual harassment, Drinking, Partying, Mention of drug use, Robbery, Interest in homosexual people, Romantic interest in former step-sibling, Cheating, Mention of yandere/obsession themes

Welcome to the Librarian’s Suggestions!

Today’s Theme: Clueless (Film and TV show)

Plot: Loosely inspired by Jane Austen’s book Emma, Clueless tells the story of a rich high school girl who is part of the popular clique at school. She discovers her grades are less than ideal and gets the idea to play matchmaker with two single teachers. The teachers begin dating and their grading system relaxes, resulting in better grades for everyone. The girl becomes inspired to do more “good deeds” and takes in a new girl, giving her a makeover and making her part of the in-crowd. She makes the mistake of trying to pair off the new girl with the most popular boy in school, only to misread his interest, which is on the former. Things begin to fall apart for the rich girl when she tries to win the affection of another boy, only to discover he is gay. From failing her driver’s test to fighting growing feelings toward her former step-brother, the rich girl comes to the conclusion that’s utterly and completely clueless.

Characters

Cher Horowitz: The main character. She was born and raised in Beverly Hills, CA to a successful defense lawyer who charges $500/hr. Despite being from the upper class, she has a good heart and tries to do things with good intentions, like fixing up single people with others that seem to have chemistry. She lives with her father and occasionally runs into her former step-brother.

Dionne: Cher’s best friend who is equally popular and rich. She has an on-and-off relationship with her boyfriend. Always ready with a sharp, witty remark, she can hold her own.

Tai: The new girl at school who dresses in loose clothing and lightly dabbles in drugs on occasion. Cher and Dionne take her on and give her a makeover, inviting her into their popular clique. She secretly has a crush on a skateboarding slacker named Travis in their class.

Josh: Cher’s former step-brother who is in college. His mother and Cher’s father divorced recently, but Cher’s father insists on treating Josh like family. Smart, sarcastic, and cynical, he calls out Cher on her ulterior motives behind some of her “so-called good deeds”. Eventually, he and Cher realize that they care about each other and may have romantic feelings for each other.

Amber: Another rich, popular girl who is a frenemy of Cher and Dionne’s. She tries to one-up Cher, but always fails. Snarky and condescending, she lives up to the stereotypical mean girl trope, but occasionally has her moments.

Mel Horowitz: Cher’s father, who is a tough and successful defense lawyer. Gruff with a hard exterior, he cares deeply about his daughter and has shown a softer side.

Christian: A student who attends the same school as Cher and comes from a broken home. He splits his time with his mom and dad, leading him to change schools part way through the year and meeting Cher in homeroom. Cher becomes smitten with him and tries to flirt with him, only to be informed that he is gay and sees her as a friend only.

Murray: Dionne’s boyfriend who argues with her often. He treats her like a side chick at times and Dionne calls him out on it. When he’s not acting like an indifferent goofball, he has shown moments where he cares about his girlfriend and his friends.

Mr. Hall: Cher’s speech and debate teacher. He is a tough grader and runs his class with a no-nonsense attitude. Eventually Cher sets him up with Ms. Geist and the teachers begin a relationship. In the end, they get married.

Ms. Geist: A sweet, caring teacher who often tries to bring awareness to disasters to her disinterested students, always trying to organize committees to help with donations or relief for the disasters. Cher pairs her off with Mr. Hall in an effort to get both of them to relax their grading rubrics. The pair do fall in love and marry.

Possible Plots

Your muse is one of the characters and lives out their life trying to balance school, social life, and drama, all while fitting shopping and social gatherings into your busy life.

Your muse runs in a clique outside of the popular one that Cher and Dionne is in. During homeroom, you are assigned a partner project with one of them to your shock/dismay. While working together, you realize that they aren’t as bad as you think.

Your muse is instructed to find something to do beyond their normal activities, like volunteering or doing charity work. Eventually they join a restoration project, only to discover how far out of their element they are. While their friends quit, your muse is determined to finish what they started and feel inspired to keep including this kind of behavior into their lives.

Notes

Good for girl groups or solo girl idols who evoke a rich girl vibe.

Could be used for multimuse accounts as well.

Setting could be in high school or college.

Could overlay yandere/obsession themes, as some of the characters do have an underlying tendency to maintain their social status and will take subtle or drastic measures to push competition out of the way.

While the series and film was set in the 1990s in Beverly Hills, CA, this could be reinterpreted in any time period in a high traffic, fashion-forward city.

@yanlee (OG) @detectivexsicheng @lawyer-mingyu @mafia-chae @hanjisung-bot @softboijisung @lixielee-chatbot @mafiafelixlee @your-seunghun @vampiremomo @yoursjennie @movie-itz-twice @leemafia @sydney-oc @seleneminnie @dandyboyseungminie @nvrendngstry @doll-seungmin @doll-hyunjin @doll-soobin @doll-jeongin @parisian-doyeon @scholar-lia @subbyhyunjinchatbot @yandere-bc @soft-hyunjin-chatbot @domyukhei @dungeonhybrids @yourgirl-cb @guitar-sihyeon @street-racer-hyunjin @softiehyunjinie @darkfaeskz @fairy-yeji @blue-chaeyoung @tattooistchannie @alexandersss @playgirljennie @skz-cb @eboyfelixbot @yourdaddychan

[honmakurara]

Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru: extensive manga review

Tormented and explicit, sharp and sophisticated: what Mizushiro Setona's masterpiece really is.

Warning: minor spoilers ahead. "I want to read something erotic and violent": this is what Mizushiro Setona's editor asked her, echoing the request of their chief editor when assigning to the mangaka a story for the supplement of the Josei magazine Judy, meant to be read by an adult female target: "I don't expect you to write a nice story. You have other skills you can count on. You can narrate about gay people, for instance, or about sadomasochism."

Starting from the first casual incursion of Mizushiro-sensei into the world of Boys' Love, between the years 2004 and 2006 Kyūso wa Cheese no Yume o Miru (窮鼠はチーズの夢を見 - The cornered mouse dreams of cheese) was born and defined; it is one of the most beautiful and intense stories ever written about such a genre and beyond, which did even receive excellent notes from the well acclaimed Takemiya Keiko-sensei of the renowned Group 24. Starting with these premises, one can already understand how Mizushiro-sensei, who was not a master of Boys' Love back then, has nonetheless been able to offer an excellent tale that transcends the borders of genres and ranges over way beyond what it had been asked her: the story had been initially conceived as a few chapters later compiled in one tankobon, but it eventually came back on the pages of Judy with a new series of chapters. These ones have also been later published, three years later, in a sequel tankobon titled Sōjo no Koi wa Nido Haneru (俎上の鯉は二度跳ねる - The carp on the chopping block jumps twice). After the renewed interest offered to Otomo and to the cunning Imagase's story, that the live action movie announcement awakened, the new manga chapter Hummingbird Rhapsody has been added to the whole franchise, which is included in the recently revised Japanese edition of the manga.

"Imagase... I'm scared of you...!"

"And I'm... scared of you, too."   There's however not only violence and eroticism in this intricate story, and such a definition would actually mean to simplify way too much what it portrays, not to mention it would not fit exactly what the author was actually able to convey into it; other than the most obvious themes and elements, many others way more implicit and elaborate ones can be found there. We can even have a hint of that by peeking at the cover illustration of the volume, where a languid surface does not betray the contradiction of the soul. We can see an elegant portrait of the two main characters, who both hide all but dignified emotions inside them; a very accurate mirror of such a picture, which graphically reminds us of the previous editions of the manga, is the mind of the thirty years old Otomo Kyoichi after his encounter with Imagase. Otomo is a married adult man, leading an apparently impeccable life: he has good looks, polite manners and a nice job. He is gentle and esteemed by his colleagues and is able to make the many women crossing his path sigh from expectation. He cannot resist women either, that is why his life is an endless sequence of cheating on his wife. He reckons they are of no importance, at least until his wife hires the private eye Imagase Wataru to investigate upon his possible infidelities. Imagase is no new man in Otomos' life, being a kohai within the tennis club at university: he proposes to Otomo to be silent with his wife, in exchange for the heated make-out session that he never dared asking before, despite his being a unprejudiced homosexual guy having a crush on Otomo since forever. After the end of Otomo's wedding, though, the intimate encounters between the two men do not stop at all; they are pushed towards a fierce depth instead, symbols of a spiral of lust and psychological turmoil from which Otomo cannot willingly go back any more. "I am no good one."

"I know this. Bad natured men like you are the worst. Do you think that everyone is looking for that perfect person? You can't fall in love with anyone but that one person?"

"Someday, you'll find true love, too. The time will come when you can't help the feelings that well up inside you and you'll be carried away."

The themes and the premises are taken from various undoubtedly not new Boys' Love clichés; Mizushiro-sensei makes skillfully use of them to plumb the human soul as she does in many other works of her, making the story evolve quickly into something way different and way wider than what the numerous and explicit sex scenes might make us think at first. It takes a doting and obsessive homosexual guy into the life of some apparently happy man like Otomo in order to make the latter understand that his marriage is merely an empty shell, built with no true nor deep feelings to live an ordinary life. The encounter with Imagase, though, forces Otomo to think back deeply about his own actions and the meaning to give to his own life, until he gets to understand that despite his true gentleness, he has never cared for other people's feelings at all.

The relationship with Imagase makes his worst side come to the surface: jealous impulses, selfishness and possessiveness, unsuspected masochistic and yet dominating preferences, obscure compulsions and a never missing inclination towards all sorts of temptations. Otomo is no role model nor someone to praise and yet, he's neither a man whose submissive personality can be easily blamed. Such a personality is a spectrum of a lid hiding a lot of things, a reflection of our own fearful and insecure behaviour, our own incapability of getting to call ourselves into question until the moments, those surprising and unexpected moments, that are to change life for real. That these two lovers embody a strong universal value is further suggested by the choice of the Japanese kanjis with which their names are written: Mizushiro-sensei identifies Otomo Kyoichi (大伴恭一) with the definition of 'partner' itself, a potential alter ego of each of us; she entrusts Imagase Wataru (今ヶ瀬渉, from the kanjis of 'quickness', 'crossing', 'involvement' and 'human relations') with the importance of getting to catch the 'carpe diem', the fleeting moment. Should we were to play with the language a little bit, we would find out that the union of the two main characters would lead us to the meaning of a 'relationship with a partner', the play of the cat with its little mouse happening here and now, the moment that we are to live in every single instant.

"You're kidding?! I cannot believe it… You can't decide?! Between a woman... or a man?!” - Natsuki -

"Maybe Imagase is right... maybe I still have to know what true love it. Next month, I’ll turn 30."

Otomo meets a long series of women, each of whom is identified by a definite face and a marked, strong personality. Each of them leaves a vivid notch into Otomo's life; and yet, no one of these figures is able to open a gash into his soul. The true Otomo is unfathomable to anyone, himself included, just like he himself can finally understand after the new encounter with Imagase breaks the quiet surface of his existence. The desirable man that Otomo is in his colleagues' eyes, through Imagase's cynical and revealing gaze he proves to be none other than a failed seducer, a man devoid of lash and decisiveness, a figure suddenly insecure even about what the true and intense physical pleasure is and how to gain it. It is Imagase who makes the miracle, intercepting his senpai's emotional black hole, and the latter finally manages to find out where the borders of his own self lay and how to humbly face his own limitations and inner being. This does not happen thanks to a man, nor thanks to a good guy, but rather because of a tempting snake who exploits Otomo's weaknesses with a cheeky and direct attitude towards him; by acting like so, Imagase takes a vengeance towards his own young self, first of all, the one who had been unable to face with sincerity the object of his adoration, back then. "No matter how sweet he might be, he is war away, like the moon."

His impetuous whims and his sensual attentions take the lid off Otomo's soul in the deep and they produce the most unexpected of effects, by reversing the parts of this play: Otomo, the one who never even thought he would were to find himself one day on the verge of turning 30 years old by asking himself about the true nature of love, becomes fond of the weird daily life established with Imagase, and he adapts himself to such cohabitation with surprising rapidity. He becomes more and more aware of a homosexual relationship in which he, however not knowing how to move, goes on with the cautiousness, the tenderness and the care he had never reserved to any other person before, in his whole life. He even gets to question himself what it is that truly determines the happiness of a couple, both in the short and medium-long term. As for Imagase, he teaches his senpai how to increase the physical pleasure in a more and more intense way, making him find out what offering someone unconditional love means. Someone who is clearly an imperfect one in all his weaknesses, but at the same time someone who is loved for the one he is, and not just because he embodies the ideal of an unattainable perfect man.

As the relationship with Otomo evolves, though, it is Imagase slowly losing the control he had on the whole situation, as he lavishes his spasmodic need for affection -also made up of a sometimes exasperating and childish attitude-  on a story born out of a youthful crush later evolved in true and heartbreaking love, against every possible prevision.  

"I'm just eating away your current existence. I can't make you happy."

"I'll decide whether or not I'm happy. We're both so selfish."

That is why within the play of the cunning black cat with his naive mouse, it is no obvious at all who the real prey or the predator are; quite on the contrary, the roles are repeatedly overturned, both on a psychological and on a sexual level, in a turn-up which is mostly unprecedented as for what Boys' Love works are concerned: as the pages become more daring, there's a parallel growth of the sexual purse power that each of these main characters can use towards one another. A strong and undermining power. Playing tag, letting go, keeping on running after each other once again: all of those are demonstration of a love both childish and adult-like in its elements, a overwhelming love taken to the limit of the obsession, a deep affection that while looking straight into reality, forces both men to ask themselves how much they are willing to leave back of their own selfishness in exchange for an improper relationship, and yet a fulfilling and indispensable one. That is why it is equally truly fitting, the choice of borrowing the name of animals for the titles of the chapters, and these very same animals appears as 'guest-stars' inside the story itself: from a frame hanging at a restaurant to a lighter herald of jealousies, there is no similarity more proper than fish, cats, snakes, owls and butterflies to suggest us behaviours that are to recall the most primeval and animal-like instincts of the human beings. Weaving traps and spider webs: those mean, sleazy and petty acts that people also do when they're in love. "The obstacle is you. And so am I." The frame of this symbolism closes with a gaze looking up at the cover illustration, where the portraits of animals silently stand out in the background behind the main characters. At the same time, such a gaze looks suggestively up at the moon: the Romeo and Juliet described by Shakespeare invoked the moon for an eternal oath, while the Japanese writer Natsume Soseki in his famous 'Tsuki ga kirei, desu ne?' (the moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it?) metaphorically used the moon for a declaration of love. Mizushiro-sensei entrusts the white satellite with Otomo and Imagase's most unspeakable thoughts, for which the moon so becomes a silent leitmotif, as if it was a sensual tokonoma opening inside the story for all those people who can see beyond it: a sort of a story in the story, like a delicate, deep, subtle and intimate alcove. It goes beyond saying that every single dialogue of Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is either enigmatic and cheeky and equally provoking and misleading: what we do reckon we understand about Otomo and Imagase, through their own words, gets later regularly denied by other facts. With thick lines and dialogues that are to tell us the very contrary of what they actually intend to convey, we cannot help but rely then on the inner voices of the many Otomos in his mind, in order to understand the nude truth: the white Otomo, the black and the grey one can maybe remind us of the concept behind the Pixar movie Inside Out, but Kyuso's one is by far forerunner of the latter. Mizushiro-sensei will make excellent use of such theme again by exploring it fully, and not without a subtle humour, in her following Nōnai Poison Berry manga; at the same time, the intricate juxtaposition of human beings and animals comes back to life in the well appreciated Shoujo manga Afterschool Nightmare, while the ultimate aim to attribute to ourselves and to love becomes the core of the romantic comedy Shitsuren Chocolatier, winner of the 36th Kodansha Manga Award - Shojo/Josei and also nominated for the Tezuka Award in 2014. Other than a fully substantial work per se, Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru can be also seen as a sort of effective experimental testing ground for the mangaka herself and her various best works.

"You think that's acceptable?!"

"Acceptable to whom?"

"To society!"

"You're overly self-conscious, as usual... society doesn't care about your sex life."

Mizushiro-sensei's style distinguishes itself for a modern and state-of-the-art graphic, an elegant and refined one, and Kyuso makes no exception: the peculiar design, so clean without any trace of deburring, gets softened as time and years passing by, as we can see by comparing the drawings made for the first chapters of the story with those from the Melancholy Butterfly onwards, and until the recent Hummingbird Rhapsody. Here the lines are so delicate and thin that they almost suggest us they could literally flake off under the piercing gaze of the reader. By leafing through the tankobon, all we can see are tidy pages, sometimes with no balloons at all, thus resulting in a huge expressive performance. The design is sharp and essential as for what details are concerned, but it is no minimalistic one; it is accurate in the depiction of bodies in every detail and characterized by a certain subtle sensuality, this latter marking not only the most rated scenes but also able to permeate the whole work instead. As used as she is in narrating with extraordinary ability about twisted and askew themes and exploring the human psyche with related sexual and gender identity issues, Mizushiro Setona offers us pages with highly aesthetic value, thrilling and bold ones, not without a sort of a certain aesthete voyeurism when depicting lovemaking scenes, however never vulgar at all. They manage to effectively evoke with a surprising visual impact, instead, the devastating passions from which both the characters and the readers end up being shaken and overwhelmed from. The violence this manga is impregnated with is mostly about its psychological insight, rather than the physical one, sex being however undoubtedly an inescapable element of the complicated events binding Otomo to Imagase: it is a key of the story but no ultimate reason of it. That is why we cannot help but follow, almost in a state of trance, how this couple is eventually able to get to intimately know each other by starting from a kiss born out of a blackmail, and thenquickly slackening every inhibition under the sheets through reversal of positions, seme/uke roles and sadomasochistic implications.

"Do you love me? Or after you got a taste of being loved so passionately are you pretending to be my lover as compensation for my feelings?"

How such a sentimental-psychological tangle can be outlined into a story constantly in balance between drama and comedy, keeping a perfect balance between each of its many faces always, without ever falling nor losing a thing, the reader can find it one page after another, surprising himself together with Otomo and Imagase in a thick and tormented love story, terribly authentic as much as its complicated and complex characters are. The pressing storyboard does now allow any rest nor break nor peace: accusations and skirmishes rebound from one man to the other in a never-ending evolution and involution of the personalities of the characters, that is until the unsettling ending; when the time of the games finishes and infantilism stops, another moment inevitably comes. The moment when the face of the adult we want to show to other people outside, goes finally and fully matching the inner essence of us as human beings. That very moment when one can take responsibility towards its own self.

"Poking holes in happiness makes you unhappy.

Nobody understands what I'm going through.

No one knows about the happiness I got to feel despite navigating into an ocean of doubts."

Otomo' sexism, while appreciating what Imagase offers him despite never intimately accepting it’s a man providing him with such a pleasure, vanishes in the very moment he gives his lover a vintage Château Pétrus bottle: it is one of the finest French wines in the whole world, thus suggesting his precious man the implicit idea of being an equally unique and irreplaceable one. Carrying on with a relationship where people can look at each other's eye and discuss, offering our whole self not in order to give back something we received but rather to go beyond our own self, it is then something quite different from seeking the pleasure of a night without any involvement: it is not the same indecisive man he was before, the one for whom appearances in society stops being an excuse, the man suddenly questioning himself how it might be wooing a man rather than a woman, or whether the relationship between two homosexual guys might even be more complete and deep than the one a heterosexual man might start with someone belonging to a ‘different’ universe from his own one.

What is love, then, if not the innate strength that allows us to see beyond our stiff self-esteem and pride, in order to overcome our limitations and arrive and reach the most intimate recesses of the one soul we naturally tend? And it is not only the Boys' Love theme per se to be central in this story, quite rather something that transcends every gender limitation to virtually embrace every kind of love, regardless of any possible colour or legitimacy. And that is because a different way of loving is no inadequate love nor a "less" love. However merely brushing LGBTQ+ themes, however never aspiring to become a gender manifesto, the Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is able to outline some of these aspects with great perspicacity; there's then the excellent portrait offered to the weaknesses of the human being, slave of a need for affection as much hidden as obscure and here translated into the relentlessness of a physical and lacerating love. It does confirm to us how much the social and psychological themes are here treated with crude realism and keen sensibility. In a perfect synthesis of the Yin and Yang elements, Otomo and Imagase's greedy, mean and liar characters are flecked in a sometimes merciless way, not to mention the moment they mean to hurt other people but end up cleaving their own self instead first: it is a couple of uncomfortable characters the one we have here, someone with whom it is definitely not a pleasure to identify ourselves with, someone we wish never to meet, if any. Someone that nonetheless chooses never to give up when in front of human frailty, and that is why these characters end up being unusually authentic, charming and unforgettable ones. " I was hoping, someday, that by sharing my way of loving with you, you would have done the same to me one day." - Imagase -

 "Ugh... I don't lose my temper like this with women." - Otomo -

The new revised All in One Edition reunites the two original volumes into one, which comes with a few color pages in the introduction and the brand new extra Hummingbird Rhapsody chapter. As for what the censorship is concerned, the original pages have actually been partially edited in a very few graphic details: it has been Mizushiro-sensei herself to provide them at the request of the Japanese publisher for the revised edition, which is meant to remove every explicit content starting from 28th January 2020. That happens in order to make the manga available also to a younger target, as the live action movie received a R15+ rating. Censorship involves however only the depiction of male genitals in a few specific, small and delimited portions of the pages, mainly in the first chapters of the story, and does not apply anywhere else. Female nipples and breasts, naked bodies and rated love making are left totally untouched, and so are the original dialogues, the true quintessence of this manga. Even the revised edition presents the harsh and explicit tones of the original pages and there is none of the messages conveyed by the manga that has been damaged or watered down by the re-print. "Love is divine punishment."

Carrying a perfect balance between seduction and feelings, the Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru manga is a challenging, demanding and intense reading. It is a mature story filled with issues, a complex and provoking one; it is compulsory to get near this story with the utmost attention, receiving though a crescendo of emotions that the reader will feel entangled with until the very last page. The Italian poet Giacomo Leopardi would have probably defined it a "matto e disperatissimo" love, a 'mad and utterly desperate' one. Like a river in flood sweeping everything away, the need for getting to know how to slacken control of ourselves and how to gain it back: educating the passion in a relationship is complicated to the point of seeming almost unmanageable.

Love in daily life is quite a different issue from the feelings of a romance novel, an engagement that forces people to swallow bitter bites sometimes, an endless tension towards the other and towards ourselves. In this story that happens to painfully disturbs the deepest part of the heart, we do not know who is the one leading the game; both characters here overthrow the typical Boys' Love canons, an audacious, cocky and authentic couple ready to question itself always.

A story that cannot be missed for all the lovers of the Boys' Love genre, Kyuso wa cheese no yume wo miru is also quite appropriate for all those one searching for an atypical love story, a strong and nonetheless sensual one, sublimated by a masterful introspection and a very welcome hint of subtle and stinging humour. It is a work dealing with many interesting and complicated issues, though never boasting about none of its many qualities.

A story that knows no limitation and no borders. One of those volumes to keep on the shelf of our own personal bookcase with the utmost care, to take up every now and then in our hands and find new shades of meaning after every new re-reading.

**

Originally written and posted in Italian @ Animeclick

[rikkang]

Here is my doctor who oc. Missy/Master's companion.

This is her profile.

Commission of @queen_2cha/@highas_cms on twitter.

" I love you"

Name: Isabelle Grace

"Do what you want, Missy. But that doesn't mean you're everything in my life."

Title: Witch's pet

Age: 27

Born in Hampsihre, UK. (Living in London because of work.)

Job: Research Engineer (Doctor who series 8, working in 3W)

Birth: December 10th

Physical

176cm, 60kg.

Not skinny, but look slim because of her height. Arms and legs are stretched out so there is no fat, but there is a moderate amount of flesh in areas such as he waist and chest.

Blood type B.

Appearance

If you look at Isabelle Grace, the first thing you see would be her hair. Does it resembel the graceful moonlight of full moon, or the pale beauty of dawn? The smooth silvery gray hair pouring down from the edge of the wing porridge was so attractive that Selene, the God of the moonn and the owner of the silver carriage, was admirable and fall in love. It reflects light under the sun, like a light blue-silver shroud, and it has a faint sparkle in the dark.

However, Isabelle was not the type to stand tall in the crowd. As if she were pursuing an extremely ordinary life. As she claims, her bangs are neatly arranged and eyebrows were covered, and the clothes on her body were a formal look of a clean modern man. As mentioned earlier, arms and legs stretched out coolly and formed a thin and orphaned line. A thin, straight-cut eyebrow, dropping eyes. The edge of her eyelid which hides her shrap intellect, was wrapped in a red-light make-up that made her look sharper and clearer. The pale pink lips were expressionless, so they were shut up and deported so that her opponent could not read her thoughts. Isabelle Grace was not essentially a predator, nor was a herbivore.

Her long eyelashes would tremble at the rare moment when the grain of emotion was shaken by a single stream of wind. Breathing and sweeping hair behind her ears was Isabelle's small habit and way to express her feelings. Then her opponent's gaze was usually dragged away by her flawless milky back of her hand, her thin, long fingers, and short-rounded nails. It couldn't have been better to hide the slowly fading peach-colored cheeks.

Along with her appearancce, Isabelle's speech was also clear and orderly. She used to go directly to the main point without having to attach a word of desperation, and even though she talked down to her opponent, it was only an extremely exceptional situation, and basically he used honorifics to everyone.

If there is a time when Isabellle Grace is wandering about in confusion, not knowing what to say, it would be the same as when her cheeks are red. Right in fron of her Mistress. A brooch decorated with white patches, a token Missy given for her, was always with Isabelle. There are times when you put it on a ribbon and hang it on a choker, but the fact hat you always carry it with you was an immutable truth.

There is a mole under the right eye.

Personality

KEYWORD: Boredom, Rational, Cynical, Quick-witted, Persistent, Careful

The family grew up in peace. The companionship was smooth, and the livelihood was stble. She was, but everything in the world was boring.

The extremely gorgeous bouquets of flowers, the glitter of long-cut jewels, all sorts of delicies, wealth and honour also do not shake Isabelle Grace's heart. It is not because she is a man wihout desire, but she is tempted with something more baluable than he sum of it all.

While persistent enough to desire Missy, an object that can never be reached, she is prudent enough not to cross the line set by Missy. Missy, who thinks she'll kill Isabelle if she goes against the beat at all the time. Isabelle, who smiles shyly even though the dance with her gradually speeds up. Neither side would be normal. Our lovely cat, Missy called Isabelle that in her affectionate voice. The tile was a mixture of compliments for being quick and cute and ridicule for being tough.

Privacy

Hobby: Visiting exhibitions or fairs, Watching movies with her face tilted against Missy's shoulder.

Personal belongings: Smart phones, Cigarettes and Zippo-lighters, Handkerchiefs with initials, A handful of candy and chocolate.

+ Missy device (after series 10)

Favorites: The moment get to know something new, Sweets, Roughly all the time spend with Missy.

Hates: Something boring, The Doctor.

Ideal man: One who makes herself not boring, A new kind of person.

Family composition: Mother, eldest of one son and two daughters.

Relationships

Missy(short for Mistress)

"See that couple over there? You're the puppy."

Thinking of her Mistress, Isabelle Grace thinks. she may be her beloved pet, but she can never be her beloved pet but she can never be more than that. The moment she was confirmed to have guessed, she became miserable. However, it would be an act of crossing t he promised line to show the crushed the promised line to show the crushed inside. So Isabelle made up her mind. Let's just have a moment of her. When she is satisfied with staying in his memory for a while, she draws a line by reminding herself of her resignation. What kind of pet would beg for its owner''s' love? Reminding herself endlessly.

"Say something nice, dear."

"...I love you."

"I didn't expect it. Right, now say something nice, and new?"

For Missy, Isabelle Grace was another fun opponent, as if she were on the palm of her hand. If it wasn't fun, she wouldn't have kept that insignificant human. Because of that, she allowed her occasional skinship for teasing. Like Isabelle hesitating and just hold a finger of Missy, she holding hands tightly and appreciate Isabelle's face turning as fresh as a teenage girl.

Isabelle devoted, obedient, and sometimes grumbles. Missy accepts that grunt, shows generosity and adores it, but does not allow affection.

Is this love? It wouldn't. There is no way to express their complicated hands with flat words like love.

Master(John Simm)

"I'm the Master."

The moment she first met the master, Isabelle Grace notices. Isabelle didn't have much to like, but one fact that she would never, no mater what, like this Time Lord.

He was Missy's past, but she is nowhere to be founded.

Isabelle's lovee for life and death was only the face of Missy and freindly voice, the past or future (not the present) was not in her own domain. Unlike when she heard about "regeneration" from Missy, Isabelle was once again grateful that Missy, who was a completely different person, has become what she is.

Sometimes watching Missy fit the Master too well, she hid her wistful look reminding that two Time Lords are same person, but that was all.

The master was unwelcome. As Miss did, it was he same that one day suddenly appeared in her life, but Isabelle felt completely different. If there is one talent for her past which look stupid and round (Missy called him this way) it would be that grumble and annoying Isabelle endlessly.

But one should never forget that the opponen is as threatening as the wolf in front of the rabbit.

"The future self of me have given you too much hope. You must have had a lot of fun playing with, huh? What should I do with you..."

To Master, Isabelle would not be a pleasant human being neither. A pet man whom his future self adores. A man possessed by Missy, quick-witted but surely insane. A rude person who does not hide her displeasure completely, with his head gently bent before him, even if she hides her lips by squeezing them.

However, it would be a pleasure ot see the reaction of a vulnerable person who can be held in had at any time.

Master(Sacha Dhawan)

"Yes! It's me, Darling. Miss me?"

After Missy died, Isabelle Grace returned to her former normal, free life. She will never forget Missy for the rest of her life, but she kept her life as if nothing had gappened. Pushing he emotions and memories that sometimes swell up on the other side.

The Master always appeared in front of her without notice.

The day she first met Missy in the forest of Marronnier, where the sun was shining, and the day she put the exiled Master from Galifrey into the Tardis.

And even this moment when she faced the Master again in a goddamn purple suit, Isabelle didn't expect it.

The Master in front of me is not Missy. Just as the former master did when he was regenerated to Misst, so was this one. But she couldn't say he wasn't completely Missy. He had memories of when Missy was with Isabelle, and there was her feelings. Although modified and buried deep, it didn't mean much.

So he can take those feelings to hostage and mock Isabelle. That was why she couldn' deny it completely, knowing he wasn't Missy. It was the reason she hated herself. She knows she's in his grasp, but Isabelle can't let go Master because he had Missy's memories.

Funnily, the Master himself also wasn't completely free from that emotions.

Isabelle Grace was a useful thing for the master. A mere human being who was once valued, but is now nothing. It was a lot of fun to see Isabelle who was distressed when he showed his meaningless memories and past emoions. It was one of Master's many specialties to hold and shake human in his hand.

If there's one thing the Master can't bear, that's Isabelle forgets him and moves on. She had to be tied to him, and she shouldn't have grown up. By all means.

Even if her Mistress died, pity cute Isabelle should always remain his pet.

[choisungg]

is that [CHOI SEUNG HYUN]? no, that’s just [Choi Sung]. [HE/HIM] is [TWENTY-EIGHT] years old and is song writer. rumor has it they’ve been in town for [TWENTY YEARS]. on a good day, they’re [TRUSTWORTHY & WITTY]. but watch out! they can also be [CONTROLLING & CYNICAL]. [THE WEEKND-HEARTLESS] plays in my head whenever i think of them. can’t wait to see them around springhill! [lh, 20, gmt, she/her]

Hey, guys I am Lu and I play this handsome man Sung. You can learn more about him under the read more /tw: bulling, depression; drug use, alcohol/ I’d love to plot with all of you so please like this and i’ll come to you.

@shstarters

NAME: Choi Sung

AGE:28

OCCUPATION: Song-writer

POSITIVE TRAITS: Brave, smart, witty

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Cynical, controling, disloyal

• Born in Seoul-Korea

• Both of his parents are Korean

• Sung’s family moved out in New Jersey when he was only 8 years old, because of his father’s job. He don’t have any friends there and everybody in his school was mean and cruel to him because he was chubby.

• One day in the schoolyard he was sitting alone eating his lunch when the bullies from his class come. They was mocking him with stupid mean phrases. One of the boys thrown the trash can on his head. Everybody laughed at him. The only one who didn’t-was the girl from the other class-Kim Sunhee his all time crush and her big brother Kim Jiyoung who was 2 years older than them and trained boxing.

• After the accident he became closer to the siblings. Kim Jiyoung became his best friend and the only one who he trusted, which made harder for him to confess his feeling to Sunhee. So he kept his feelings to himself. With each day she stayed more and more beautiful and а lot of boys flirted with her. She didn’t seem interested in them but that didn’t made him calm either. What was the chance a girl like her to like the chubby wallflower kid. On the other hand he didn’t had the chance to try and ask her out because of Jiyoung-who was overprottecting her. Sung didn’t want to loose his only friend and if she eventually  rejected him he is going to loose both.

• These five past years he started to idolise her -she was his ideal type. He didn’t imagine himself with other beside her. They were together all day- he was teaching hee tricks with cards and she sang him songs with hee beautiful voice. When John- one of the moat popular boys in schooll started to took interest in her his suffering these past year made him complex, anxious and angry, because this guy actually had chance eith hee because he played on a guitar in trashy band.

• One day Jiyoung asked him what’s wrong with him. Sung told him that he likes one girl very much but he can’t be with her. Jiyoung then told him if he can’t be with her then he need to move on because, they are too young for serious comitment. But  he was already built this perfect image of Sunhee and can’t think of anything else. He decided to try his shot and ask her to go with him on the spring ball. He waited the class to end and go to her classroom when he find this stypid boy John kissing her. Then he immediately run away in tears. On the next day in the morning he sat alone in the schoolyard when Sunhee and Jiyoung come to see what he was doing. Sunhee asked with who he is going to go on the ball. In anger he started shouting at her and called her stupid girl with ugly face and clothes. Sunhee started to cry, which broke his heart and Jiyoung in anger hit him in the face and they started fighting. Of course Jiyoung trained boxing so he beat him up. When he go home his mother with a big smile asked him from the kitchen did Sunhee said yes. When she saw his swollen face with dryed blood her smile dropped and asked him what’s going on. He started shouting cynic word again and locked in his room and crying for hours.

• The days past and he was so alone. The bulliing was worse than ever and his heart hurted everytime he saw Jiyoung and Sunhee with that jerk. But that was for the best. On the ball day he stayed at his home listening sad song.

•On the last day in school Sunhee comes closer to him and he started shouting cynic word again wanting her away from him. She just passed him a letter and said goodbye to him. He opened the letter in his room and started reading. In the letter she was describing how good was the time they were together and how much she liked his chubby cheecks, his beautiful eyes and his witty sense of humour. That she waited him to asked her out but he never did. A little bit before the ball John started kissing her and asking her to go out. She refused because of her feelings toward Sung, so decided to ask her brother permission to go out with Sung. Jiyoung was so happy because he knows how much he liked his sister. But unfortunately on the other day he started insulting her without any reason. And the last sentence hit him hard-she was saying goodbye to him, because her family was moving to China. Her father received a high salary with a good place for them to live and one of the best school for them to study. So his only love loved him back and he fucked up.

• Realised he really lost her forever he fels deep into depresion. The only way he could see her again was with some illigal substances. Because of them he started to loose weight, then the girls who made fun of him started to noticing him. So he dicided to trained more and more. After a year he had the perfect body and every girl wanted him, but his heart was only for one.

• With his parents money he started buying himself expensive clothes, shoes and watches. He started smoking everyday and surrounded himself with toxic people who only using him. On every party he was with different girl. He never stay with one girl for more than a week. But the only cure for his soul was songwriting. In his songs he pour out all of his pain and desperarion. Then he sold them to local famous singers and that eventually became his occupation. The payment was good because his songs made people famous.

Here I listed some wanted connections, if you’re interested.

[stormyreadingsxx]

The WHO and the WHAT

Giving understanding your chart a chance:

Planetary Alignments

Taurus, Pisces.... Even knowing your sun is a Cancer and your rising in Aries is all good and well. But planets add a whole other layer over the way you may function in a sign (or a house but that’s for another post I guess). It’s easy to remember traits about zodiac signs (like fiery elements and the differences between cardinal and fixed) but do you know what sign a given planet is in? If it is in strength or at a weakness? These observations can turn a non-believer of astrology into an advocate.

My Venus is in Virgo (also my sun and moon sign and of course in fall or working against it’s placement) meaning for ME, finding someone who has the capacity to understand my love language or not take advantage of my mutable big three has been hard. I notice a trend of retreating inward without knowing it (when my emotional needs aren’t met), and others need to see and hear things to know... And there is the disconnect. 

Mercury: ☿ The Messenger ~ The clear ruler of communication (and why the retrograde is so fantastically catastrophic, but more on that later), how we take in, let out, and process information is important. Your sun, moon, & rising should be taken into account separately from this. A sun in Scorpio may mean you’re mysterious, emotional (even if you hide it), and a bit brooding but a Mercury in Leo could mean you explain and express yourself with unexpected flair. Understanding this aspect in your chart can help you be a better listener, talker, or find out what kind of people you want to interact with in the long run. 

*I used my Leo Mercury as an example. I go through introverted, critical, and anxious bouts as an overthinking earth sign, but I’ve always had a knack for telling stories and only recently have I discovered this connection. Using humor to cope is comforting to most people, I guess. lol

Venus: ♀︎ The Lover ~ I will admit to using Sailor Senshi to remember my planetary themes, but yes this one is known emphatically as The Lover. In addition to your sun, moon, and Mercury this can give you insight to how you love, your own love language, and how best someone might receive you. My Virgo Venus has doubled down on the earthy acts of service as mine. I’ve always wanted to make sure the people I love and care about are fed (finishing my food if I cannot) and their lives easier (tidying a room, folding laundry etc...). Somewhere along the way, this became easier than words. 

That’s nice and all, but my criticalness and Mercury-ruled energy (A sharp Virgo way with words that can be weaponized and unfocused Gemini-ness that at best is spacey) it’s hard for me to get through to people at times. Understanding yours (or someone else’s) Venus is their approach to romance (so how much more emotionally intelligent do you feel understanding how you communicate and how you approach love ?). 

Mars: ♂︎ The Warrior ~ If Venus is our feminine ~love~ energy, then Mars is obviously the opposite (at least in symbol). What grinds your gears? Turns thoughts and ideas into action? Mars is about expressing (our anger) and how we get what we desire. What is that cost?

Our drives and our passions.... Mine happens to be in Gemini. I love my ability to go with the flow and appeal to all sorts of people, professions, and hobbies. But this energy (even with my earthiness) is unfocused. Lots of thought and brain action (and typing at 3 am asfcgsd) but harnessing it is not always an easy thing for me. If we can be honest here, it never has. 

I can be easily bored (although I will say I’m crushing boredom in quarantine for the most part) and my mercurial ass is actually exhausted and borderline in distress when I’m bored. My mind races and it becomes anxiety. Even hyper-vigilant criticisms of myself. I’ve turned to bottles, pills, and risky behavior to avoid it! Now that I see and understand this cloying longing to feel like I belong everywhere and the way chaos manifests in my space if I’m not well, I begin to understand and fix that. 

I must find balance in the doing and the not doing but I can’t let my mind get bored. I’ve always been a fidgety person and talked with my hands (my massaged cat and friends can attest to both). And I often take on many projects and only the strong survive.... I used to not understand my Gemini rising but the more I talk, the more it make sense (since it is ruled by the Mercury communicator and the area of the hands).

Jupiter: ♃ The Sage ~ Now here’s something maybe everyone can get into. Luck. Jupiter has to do with a lot of luck in our charts, how we improve our lives and show generosity throughout it. For me, though my Jupiter comes in the same sign as my sun and moon (New Moon babies unite), its is actually at it’s detriment or not working as strongly as it could be (a trend I’m noticing with my Virgo placements lmfao).

Investigation will show that I’ve always been good at being persuasive and using warm graces to win someone over. That’s why from customer service to [REDACTED] (rhymes with.... h*x w*rk), I make a good front of house. My need to see a tangible result of progress (in video games, typing things like this out, or reorganizing all my things, creating art) can be attributed to this. For a day dreamer, I have a very grounded chart. 

Saturn: ♄ The Taskmaster ~ Saturn, Saturn, Saturn.... Known of course by the infamous return, the one denoting when different clusters of generations ‘grow up’ (and I’m pretty sure I’m about due for AND going right through mine but I deleted co__star lmao), some associate with death. The end. Saturn is associated with restriction and limitation. Boundaries. This all sounds negative, but Saturn brings with it structure and meaning. A good relationship and understanding yields great things for life!

“Saturn is often associated with our fathers or father/authority figures. In childhood, the discipline, rules, and regulations imposed on us by our authority figures–from parents, teachers, and the like–were not always pleasant, but they actually helped us to understand the world around us. Similarly, Saturn’s lessons actually help us to grow.”

Ouch.

I will try to let this speak for itself and not project TOO much of my own chart as if you care, but I’ve only recently seen so deeply into what makes up who I am astrologically. I’ve always had a bit of a struggle with boundaries. Initiating them. Holding my space and comfort over others.

I was born during a New Moon and at LEAST one retrograde. 

Saturn.

I can condemn myself for that or I can keep going, deeper and see why and how going forward I don’t fall into the same pitfalls (or maybe give myself a little compassion seeing that others have struggled my struggle). It does kind of feel like the whole world is on it’s Saturn return right now, though. 

Uranus: ⛢ The Revolutionary ~ My Uranus was also in retrograde during my birth. I do feel conflict at this time of riots, protests, and rampant and unrepentant police brutality. People who look just like me die in the streets, in police custody, somewhere in strange circumstances. Vulnerable to covid and staying to help my parents, my place isn't at protests even if it feels like my heart is. I do my part to speak my mind and perspective, donate and raise awareness. Support my allies on the lines in the ways I can. 

I cannot lie and say the present doesn’t scare me. Or being tear-gassed, detained indefinitely, thrown in jail or court, or disappeared. All of it. 

“Uranus is quite at home in the eighth house of resurrections. You are naturally open and support change. “Change is good,” is your constant motto. Re-inventing yourself from time to time sounds like a good idea to you. You couldn���t possibly have it otherwise. Life would be boring without change. Your style and pace of bringing about change though may leave others dazed and breathless. The style of change that you prefer can be destructive to those around you. Your good intentions are never at doubt though. It’s just that you are addicted to your ideas and you sometimes overlook human emotions. Your natural impatience with status quo drives you to move fast leaving the staid behind.”

Maybe I jump ahead getting to houses, but I wanted to switch it up. Though Uranus was essentially moving backwards when I was born (and that seems to not bode well), the house (which can speak to a best way to reach the potential of your placements) seems to have kept me from losing all discernment and ability to adapt. 

On the topic of revolution among other things, I feel conflicted. Helpless. Futile. I’m finding my way through that, but it is almost awe-inspiring to see a struggle mapped out in the charts while I go through it. 

Neptune: ♆ The Dreamer ~ Didn’t I say earlier I’m a bit grounded for a daydreamer? A lot of my daydreams (and borderline escapism lol) are rooted and threaded in reality (especially since covid and damn near martial law have changed everyone’s perceptions of such). I have some far out dreams, but the content in my head could be shockingly close to reality sometimes. I love playing Animal Crossing and other general life simulations and always have.

Your vision of an ideal world may center around respect for rules, order, responsibility, and morality. You need to believe in the realizability of your dreams, and this means that your fantasies usually have a very realistic thread to them. There is a conservative, possibly somewhat cynical element to your nature. Because general optimism/faith does not typically carry or motivate you, energy levels may not be high when you don’t believe in what you’re doing, and inspiration is not easy to find in the first place. However, you can turn a dream into reality more easily than most. Your vision is practical but also doable.

I really am this optimistic-pragmatic-realistic but hardworking ???? person. My Neptune was also in retrogrograde during my birth. It has not hindered my creativity but even that is met with rigid expectations and an expected method for madness. I could stand to be dreamier and I work to inspire a calming, soothing, dreamy atmosphere (essential oils, Virgo 4th house things). But this may be why I always have my brain never too far in the clouds. Not without stimuli. 

Pluto: ♇ The Transformer ~ Ah, Pluto is the Ruler of Scorpio. A deep cut in my chart but I have always had a bad habit of falling deep, deep into the well of a watery Scorpio even though I should know better. Renew and Rebirth hits my experience with them on the head. At it’s worst, these planetary placements can promote a hedonistic greediness. ‘Everyone is bad so I must be too’ and a real commitment to harming those before you can get smited (because we’ve all been smited). 

I don’t have a lot of water in my chart personally, but this can help account for my intensity in search of connections (and why unlike a lot of my peers I pull away for long periods and go all in again, almost cyclical in a place where everyone’s always booed up).

Pluto in Scorpio may try to remain positive so strongly that they find themselves in denial, finding out when it is too late about all that was happening right under their noses.

Bingo.

Being strong and able to deal comes with a certain detachedness, a wall others cannot or will not try to breach. Understanding this will help me bring some of it down, right?

Are you interested in hunting down your birth time now? Try paring some of these tidbits or do your own planet research and pair it with the rest of your chart. You might start getting answers. 

[thecorteztwins]

🖊🖊🖊

Okay so last time I told you about ASHTI, MARAT, TENZIN, RANI, KWANG, DIONNE, AND AVERY... This time..Jael

Cut for length which I should have done with Ashti lol

JAEL DENNIS ISHAQ FC: Inanna Sarkis

Anglo American Presbyterian father, Assyrian American Chaldean Catholic mother. Her full name is Jael Dennis Ishaq. Her parents are married but her mother insisted on keeping her own surname and passing it to her daughter, due to the history of Assyrians having their surnames forcibly changed in attempts by dominant groups to wipe them out, so it's a big deal for her to hang on to and pass down. Her father's surname is her middle name. She has two younger sisters Ayelet (25, secretary at an upscale fashion photography company) and Zibiah (sales agent in a large retail company, 23), and, an older brother Sargon (28, commercial architect, 28), an older sister Damaris (30, bakery assistant, married with three small boys). Jael is not close with any of them, middle child syndrome I guess. Despite emotional closeness to her family she keeps them at arm's length because she likes her independence Degree is in chemistry with a psychology minor, but she's an astrologist currently, also does Tarot. She's attracted to mystery and figuring things out, as well as attracted to the mystical. She likes working out what makes things tick, finding reason in the universe and in people. This is why she pursued both psychology and chemistry. psychology obvious, but chemistry less so. There was just something about the way it challenged her and how most reactions are very much like a puzzle. Her always deep-seated passion to understand the world around her channeled very well into it, since so much of everything can be broken down and explained via chemistry in some way. So a chemistry major helped satisfy her craving for understanding of the external world, psychology for the internal workings of people. She chose chemistry as the major over psychology as it seemed to have more job opportunities, and ones that would pay better more immediately. She doesn't think believing in the reality of hard sciences like chemistry means one has to dismiss the more soft, fluid ones like psychology, or even mystical "superstition" like astrology. It's just all different systems of making sense out of things. She's enthusiastic to test them all. Jael has a confident, forceful personality, rarely suffering insecurity or hesitation. She is dedicated to things she values, dismissive of that which she does not. Jael likes meaningful conversation at an emotional arm’s length. Difficultly accepting others, like things she finds strange or stupid or annoying, even if it’s harmless Jael likes things that set her apart from others, whether it’s her unusual heritage or her pursuit of magic. She likes feeling unique, special, and distinct from the herd. But she’ll also never fake it and get into something just for the sake of being different; she must truly have a passion for it. In the case of magic, she likes the challenge, the puzzle, and the power. Jael has a strong sense of empathy, often able to perceive and piece out the parts of themselves that others are keeping hidden. But it doesn’t make her kind or compassionate towards them, since she’s often disgusted by the flaws she finds.  This has made her cynical and skeptical of others, and of relationships in general, and contributed to her high standards for the latter. She wants to riddle everything out about everyone, but she bristles at being out under a microscope herself. Thirsts for both autonomy and commitment, to both be totally independent yet also wishes to be totally united with someone in partnership as her ideal romance. Her standards for this are high maintenance and uncompromising, making romance difficult for her despite her charm, allure, and active sex life. Physical beauty and personality are both important to her. Jael thinks of herself as straightforward and that she doesn’t like games, but actually she does. It’s her base nature to scheme, seduce, and manipulate, to get her way or just for fun, though she’d be disgusted to face that about herself. She feels little compassion towards victims, but great anger towards perpetrators, and has a ruthless “eye for an eye” sense of justice. Jael values intelligence in others more than kindness. She also thinks she values others being straightforward but actually she gets mad at them sometimes when they are and she doesn’t like what’s said. But she believes she’d rather an ugly truth than a pretty lie. Once heard shouting in dorm, saw a guy choking a girl, calmly got her scissors and told him to leave or die. He left. She’s a lesbian, she flirts a lot and has had a lot of first dates, but sleeps with someone only after the third date, and has only had three serious partners to date in the last decade. She's always been very comfortable with death. She was completely calm at her great grandmother's funeral when she was six and didn't understand the fuss. She also never made a big deal over the passing of pets that she had loved dearly. The rest of her family worried she was a cold little girl but it wasn't that she didn't care about their loss, it was that she accepted it. She was born with the sort of understanding that it's just a natural part of life that takes most people decades, if ever, to come to terms with. She's an intensely loyal friend but expects the same loyalty in return, and will drop a person entirely and permanently if she feels she has been betrayed. She craved drama bad in high school, and was a bit manipulative and malicious about it, maybe might have encouraged someone to literally stalk their crush outside the pizza parlor where they worked just to see what would happen. Was always right on top of it if she smelled trouble, popcorn in hand. But was ridiculously helpful to her friends too, whether it was keeping them rigorously on track in a study session or getting a carefully calculated vengeance on someone who had dared treat them like...like, well, like how she treated a lot of people, honestly. Hobbies: - Previously competitive swimming - Qigong and Yijin Jing, got into them as stretching exercises when she was swimming and has kept them up for health and relaxation - Collects perfumes Likes: - Curry, red sauces, and creamy textures (ex: yogurt, fettuccine alfredo) - Lilith in astrology (hers is in Libra) - Art featuring white marble, gold leaf, and nude women with horns. - Dark, intense, moody, passionate music - Maroon velvet - The color red, especially with black - Studying conspiracy theories and figuring out why people believe them Dislikes: - People asking her to tell their future or compatibility with a partner just from their sun sign alone - Media using the Death card to mean literal death - People claiming Lilith-the-myth is scriptural fact rather than oral myth - Bland food, like boiled chicken with no seasoning - People who stand in inconvenient places like hallways

[mwolf0epsilon]

Out of curiosity, what are your favorite companions out of all of the Fallout games, and why?

Fallout

The Original Dogmeat (After looking into it, it feels like this ornery dog had a lot more personality than the available human companions, enough so that he made a comeback in FO2.)

Fallout 2

Goris (A sentient and intelligent albino deathclaw scholar that wears a robe to hide his appearence from trigger happy assholes. What's not to like? Goris is an interesting character and I hope there will be another deathclaw companion in a future game!)

K-9 the Cyberdog (Cyberdogs are cool. Talking Cyberdogs with good moral compasses? Even better! Super pissed the NCR ended up destroying him to gather Intel on the Enclave. That's something I'd expect from the BoS instead, and it's left a bitter taste in my mouth. Rest in peace you poor pup.)

Fallout 3

Butch Deloria (He was an asshole and a bully during his and the Lone Wanderer's childhood, but you can't deny he isn't loyal to a fault. He's still a bit of an asshole with an unobtainable greaser teen dream, but honestly he's not that bad considering he was neglected as a child thanks to his mother's alcoholism. If you scratch his back he'll definitly scratch yours, even if he pretends he's not a goody-two-shoes like you. Plus he can give you a haircut, who wouldn't want a personal barber out in the Wastes?)

Charon (His situation is an uncomfortable moral conundrum since he's basically a brainwashed slave by anything but name. Oxhorn put it best in his video on Charon's situation, and I agree that the only good thing you can do for him is buying his contract and doing good out in the Capital Wasteland with him as your companion, as a form of atonement for any past shady/cruel actions his former employers have had him perform.)

Fawkes (A super mutant who may or may not have been a man named Shelton Delacroix, Fawkes is unfortunate in the sense that he was alienated by his fellow vault-tec security officers for having a conscience, and then alienated by his super mutant kin for being uniquely intelligent and kind. To add to these tragedies, Shelton was apparently married so Fawkes has a wife he can't recall who is either dead or a mindless super mutant herself.)

Dogmeat the Second (A loyal heterochromatic cattle dog who would fight to the death if just to avenge his fallen master. Dogmeat is a scruffy scavenger and definitly man's best friend. You have to wonder if he might be a descendant of the Original Dogmeat with just how strong his personality comes off. Some dogs in the wasteland are definitely smarter than others.)

Fallout: New Vegas

Arcade Ganoon (A gay mess of a doctor with social anxiety and a lot of personal demons related to his origins. Arcade is an intelligent and interesting character in the sense that he has a deep-seated desire to help everyone, but knows the consequences of one's ideals outgrowing the needs of others. He's grateful to the Enclave Remnants's loyalty to him and his mother, after his father passed away, and he definitly considers them his family. That in itself is an issue because the Enclave's sins will follow and haunt him for the rest of his life, even if he was just born into that life and not one of the people commiting atrocities.)

Craig Boone (His story is the typical wasteland hardened ex-soldier. He committed atrocities that left him mentally scarred and suffering from PTSD, lost his wife who was the only good thing in his life, his need to avenge her has left him dangling between cold-blooded killer and decent human being, and on top of that he's a bit of a cynical asshole. Still a pretty cool companion to have around, and honestly it feels nice to have him around doing some good for the Mojave wasteland instead of stewing in his depression and self-hatred. His sniping skills could help a lot of people with the Courier's encouragement.)

Lily Bowen (She's a super mutant elite spy soldier. She's also a sweet old granny with schizophrenia and a murderous imaginary friend. Lily is another tragic character who's story pulls at your heartstrings, and the three choices regarding her meds are another moral conundrum. Again I'd recommend Oxhorn's video on her story, since I wholly agree with his assessment on what choice is actually the best for her.)

Rex the Cyberdog (His background before he joined the Kings is shrouded in mystery, with the Legion's faded mark painted on his armour platting. Rex is a loyal pup with a hate for rats, hats and people who wear hats. His greatest ire is probably reserved for rats with hats. His recruitment story arc is also pretty interesting and it definitely affects his personality and endings. If you have Old World Blues and construct Roxie the Cyberdog he even becomes a father of a litter of "Boston terrifiers"!)

ED-E (Honestly it's my love for robots that make this little damaged travel companion so appealing. His mission is interesting, and the cashe of Enclave Intel he holds can be benefitial, but most of his endings point to ED-E continuing his journey eventually so there's a sadness with letting this little guy go if you get attached.)

Fallout 4

Preston Garvey (All Preston has ever wanted to do was help make the Commonwealth a better place for people to live in. He's a selfless man who joined a militia at age 17 to do some good, and it honestly breaks my heart that the Minutemen collapsed as hard as it did. Preston had to watch as the ideals of the Minutemen were crushed underfoot by a bunch of selfish assholes, along with an entire settlement of innocent people. He did everything in his power to keep the only four survivors safe and alive, and he's clearly traumatized, depressed and suicidally throwing himself at danger because he'd rather die fighting the good fight than caring for his own safety. He puts everyone else above himself and it infuriates me that people are so hellbent in painting him off as a bland character or a pest. Oxhorn puts it best in his profile of Preston.)

X8-88 (The Institute's top of the line Courser, the closest the Commonwealth will ever get to the Terminator, and livable despite his cynical remarks and persistence that he's incapable of emotions or attachment. It saddens me that X6 is only obtainable if you follow the Institute. It also pains me that if you do manage to befriend him and destroy the Institute, you're destroying this loyal synth's only home. You're basically stripping away everything he knows and believes in, inherently doing what the Institute has done to the Sole Survivor: Taking their life away from them. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth...)

Nick Valentine (Moral conundrums are painful. Ethical conundrums are just as bad. Nick didn't deserve anything that happened to him, and it's obvious he struggles with his identity and purpose but chooses to follow in the Original Nick's footsteps to do some good, rather than hide away and mope. He's a good person overall, even if he's a bit of a smartass sometimes. He's the perfect robodad for anyone in need of a fatherly figure in the Commonwealth.)

John Hancock (This man has a lot of emotional baggage and has made a LOT of bad choices, but if there's anyone you can trust to be loyal and helpful out in the wastes, it's definitly Hancock! His crude humour and liberal use of drugs and knives to deal with his problems can be a bit off-putting, but Hancock will defend you no matter what. Heck, he would even defend Danse from the BoS and the guy's a racist dickbag to him from the very moment they meet. That says a lot about his character.)

Codsworth (He waited for the Sole Survivor to return. For 200 fucking years. Please be kind to him, he's probably one of the nicest companions and also one of the most lovable too! He is the friend you'd wish you had if you ever found yourself in the same situation as the Sole Survivor. Cherish Codsworth, he's all you have left, and he'll protect you to the best of his ability.)

Dogmeat the Third (A brilliant genius dog that is very likely a synth. Dogmeat, like Codsworth, is a lovable guy and should definitely be cherished. I'd recommend getting the "Everyone's Best Friend" Mod so that you can have him travel with you and another companion. It's almost like FO2!)

Deacon (He's intelligent. He's sneaky. He's a pathological liar with good intentions. Deacon is mysterious and charming, and definitly a little fucked in the head. I'd like to meet his plastic surgeon if they can make him flawlessly look like a woman and a ghoul, no questions asked. Oxhorn has a pretty interesting video that explores Deacon's character and intentions, if you're interested!)

Paladin Danse (I'll admit I wasn't all that impressed with Danse when I got my first impression of him. He's rude, he's impatient, he's condescending, and worst of all he is an asshole to anyone just a bit different from him. Still, the plot-twist left space for this racist Buzz Lightyear knockoff to go through some personal growth. The years of militaristic indoctrination will probably take a while to be resolved, but Danse IS redeemable if given time. He's not inherently evil, just in dire need of a tolerance lesson.)

[dontenchantme]

the cynical fourth-born

Rated T, Satan x MC

he reminded her of a cat that didn't want to be picked up. she was stupid enough to pick him up anyway.

fics masterlist

She enjoyed watching him read. There was something strangely peaceful about his face when he was absorbed in a new book. For once, he looked almost open.

“I can feel you staring at me, you know,” he suddenly said without looking up from his book. “It’s distracting.”

She jumped. “Sorry,” she mumbled, averting her gaze, her cheeks warming. She heard a chuckle, then the blond demon put his book down and looked up at her with a faint smile on his face. She could feel butterflies in the pit of her stomach.

“No need to apologise,” he answered, and his brilliant green eyes made her forget what she was thinking about. “I’m just surprised you’re not with Mammon today.”

“I’ve been hanging out with Mammon the whole week,” she said. It wasn’t really a complaint – Mammon was a bit of an idiot sometimes, but he was sweet, and he treated her well. Just that as a result, she couldn’t spend as much time as she'd like with the other brothers, and she found herself missing one of them in particular.

There was just something about Satan that calmed her down. Maybe it was because he seemed the most normal out of the seven demon brothers. While she enjoyed the many surprises the Devildom regularly threw at her, sometimes normal was nice.

Besides, Satan was the one who always suggested activities that were right up her alley. Visiting cat cafes, going to a museum or a bookstore, watching shows together – she enjoyed these kinds of things. Though she knew he only invited her to accompany him as a friend, she still liked these quiet moments they spent together, neither of them feeling the need to fill the silence with chatter.

“Then you decided to look for me instead?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “I’m not sure how I feel about being the second option…” But the amusement in his voice took the edge off his words, and she sighed, turning to face him.

He was lounging in bed while she sat cross-legged at his desk. Her breath caught as she looked at him like this, his eyelids slightly lowered, a relaxed smile on his face. His blond hair was messy, probably from him running his hand through it to keep his fringe up while he read. She knew how much Satan valued his personal space, how he felt like his room was the only place where he could let his guard down and be himself, and she felt honoured that he would allow her into a space so sacred.

“You know you’re not a second option,” she answered. Satan raised an eyebrow, getting up from his bed – she continued to watch him as he walked over to her.

It was so difficult to meet his gaze. He had the most beautiful eyes. “And how do I know that?” he asked, stopping right in front of her. He was so much taller than her, and she found herself tipping her head back just so she could look at him.

“Satan, you’re my favourite person to spend time with. You’re the only one who likes cats as much as I do,” she raised one finger, “and also, you can listen to me rambling about shows and books without wanting to fall asleep.” She raised a second finger. “Why would you not be my first choice?”

“Mammon was your first, though,” Satan said, and she could hear the humour in his words. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

“You know full well what he meant!” she rebutted, and Satan laughed, leaning against the desk. His nearness was making it a little hard to focus, but she tried not to let that show on her face. “Anyway. I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

Not really. But she blurted that out in an attempt to pull her thoughts together, and Satan’s eyes widened a fraction – he straightened back up, watching her. “Sure. Ask away.”

Her mind went blank. She hesitated, and he continued staring at her, tilting his head while he waited. “Um…I’ve been thinking. What’s your type?” she finally asked, her face probably red by this point, and she couldn’t believe she had the guts to say this.

Granted, she had been curious for a while now. She figured he had lots of admirers – all of the brothers did, being as powerful as they were – but she had never seen him show interest in anyone, and it made her wonder. But she always thought she’d be too embarrassed to ask something so personal. Satan blinked, looking surprised.

“Why the sudden question?” Of course, he never made things easy for her.

“Just curious.” She shrugged, though she was now painfully aware of his every word – she lowered her gaze, looking at his chest, his shoulders, noticing every breath he took. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” she added when the silence stretched on for too long and it began making her uncomfortable.

It was strange because she usually didn’t mind staying quiet, but this was different – there was a sudden tension between the two of them that she had never felt before.

She heard him sigh and she lifted her gaze. “You know, I never really thought about having a type before,” he mused. “I don’t think any of us have one. Taking lovers isn’t something we focus on…unless you’re Asmo,” he added.

She inhaled. “Yeah, that makes sense,” she answered, trying to keep her tone light. She hadn't been expecting anything, but she still felt a little disappointed.

She wasn’t even sure when she first developed feelings for him. She just woke up one morning, looking forward to seeing Satan at breakfast with that sunny smile he reserved especially for her, and realisation suddenly rammed into her like a truck.

“You don’t look too pleased,” Satan said, and his voice broke into her thoughts, making her blink. He was studying her, and she wanted to answer but she didn’t know what to say. She could tell him that she liked him. And then what?

She wasn’t sure how he felt about her. They were friends, but that was the only thing she could say with any confidence. She had heard him complain one too many times about witches trying to flirt with him, and that made her nervous. If she decided to admit her feelings, then how was she any different from those women? She guessed he would let her down easy because they were friends, but she didn't want things to turn awkward between them.

“No, I’m fine,” she replied. “I was just hoping to find out. After all, knowledge is power!” She forced herself to smile, but Satan looked far from amused.

“There’s a difference between knowledge and idle gossip.” He shook his head. “And anyway, I can see that something is bothering you. Why don’t you tell me?”

When he looked at her that way it became very difficult to think. It was unfair that his eyes were so pretty. And she thought he was the closest anyone would ever come to her ideal guy – an animal lover who liked to read, who appreciated art, who liked to come up with theories for his favourite shows, who preferred to stay in rather than go out, who would sometimes look at her with the softest smile on his face when there was no one besides the two of them –

She wasn’t idealistic. Satan was far from sweetness and sunshine. He had issues of his own, and she had been on the receiving end of his rage before. She knew perfectly well how terrifying he could be when he was genuinely angry.

But at the same time, he worked so hard to channel that anger into other things. He cultivated interests, he pursued knowledge, he did everything he could so that he wouldn’t simply be wrath personified, always hurting, always destroying. The fact that most people wouldn’t even associate him with his sin was a testament to his efforts. She thought the way he kept trying to improve himself was inspiring.

“It’s nothing, really,” she whispered. His eyes narrowed at her, and something dark flickered in their green depths – his hand grabbed her wrist and she yelped, startled by the sudden contact. Her heart was in her throat.

“Look, we both know it’s not nothing. I don’t like seeing you upset, so just tell me what’s on your mind before I get annoyed,” he stated. “Did one of my brothers do something again?”

She shook her head, a sigh escaping her lips. “I’ve just been thinking a lot lately,” she started. “About…well, you know how you told me about that witch who was flirting with you?” Satan nodded, and she inhaled. “I was just wondering if you...you know. Don’t like people in general.” She didn’t make sense, did she?

“No, I just didn’t like her.” Satan frowned. His hand was still on her wrist, though his grip had loosened somewhat – she could pull away if she wanted to, but the feeling of his fingers on her skin made her heart flutter. “You know the seven of us are the most powerful demons in the Devildom – if you don’t count Diavolo, of course. That’s what most people know me as. The Avatar of Wrath. I don’t like it when they try to get into my good graces knowing nothing but that. It’s disrespectful.”

For all of Satan’s complaints about Lucifer, the two of them were remarkably alike. She could imagine Lucifer saying the exact same thing. “So, you might not turn someone away if they got to know you first?” she asked, her heart thudding.

He blinked. “Perhaps.” After a moment, he abruptly let go of her wrist, as though he had only just realised that he was still holding on to her. “Why the sudden curiosity though?” He looked at her expectantly, but she had the feeling that he already knew what she wanted to say. He was smart and he was a good detective – if Satan hadn’t figured out her crush on him by now, she’d be truly surprised.

But that was the thing. She was fairly confident he was aware of her feelings – she blushed way too much around him – so it was strange that he never brought it up before. “I think.” She had to stop and draw a breath. “I think I might like you.”

She was met with silence. Satan didn’t react for a while, then suddenly he sighed and turned away – she felt her heart sink, but then he sat on the edge of his bed and looked at her. “Come here,” he said, patting the spot beside him, and she bit her lip, confused. No matter how many times she came to visit his room, she never sat on his bed. It was an unspoken rule, an invisible boundary between them.

Hesitantly she joined him, and when she sat, she realised just how close they were – if either of them moved just a little bit their hands would touch. “I always knew you had feelings for me,” Satan spoke first, staring at the wall. “I just hoped you might grow out of them, because…well, do you remember the time I offered to make a pact with you so I could spite Lucifer, and you turned me down?”

She nodded. That wasn’t something she would forget anytime soon. It was the first time she saw what Satan was like when he got angry. “That’s what I’m really like, you know. Deep down. I’m not as pleasant as you think I am.” He glanced at her. “And sometimes I’m afraid I might lose control again and hurt you. Or worse.”

She frowned. “That’s stupid. You’re not going to do that.” He exhaled, but she cut in before he could say anything. “Satan, I’m well aware of how dangerous you are. But your brothers are dangerous too. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with them.” She paused and noticed Satan watching her carefully, his expression unreadable. “That incident was some time ago. We didn’t know each other well back then. Things are different now. We’re friends, aren’t we? I don’t think you’d want to hurt me.”

“Just because I don’t want to hurt you doesn’t mean I won’t,” he answered. “Yes, we’re friends – but you don’t know how it feels like. The anger, I mean.” He placed his hand on his chest, inhaling. “It’s always there. Right on the edge of my consciousness. As though it could bleed out and consume me at any moment. The things I enjoy doing keep it at bay, but it’s still a part of me and it simply won’t leave.”

“I don’t want it to leave.” He stiffened, and she knew she had to tread carefully here – she took her time choosing her words, not wanting to say the wrong thing. “Satan, as you said, your anger is a part of who you are. I’m not saying that's a good thing, nor does it mean you should force yourself to be happy if you're not. It’s more of…” she hesitated. “It’s more that this anger is what birthed you, and even if you move on and you keep it concealed, you can’t forget your origin. I don’t think you should forget it, either.”

His lips quirked up. “I couldn’t forget it even if I tried,” he said. Then his voice quietened. “As a human, are you aware of how breakable you are? We wouldn’t even need to change to our demon forms to hurt you, to maim you. To kill you. And yet you live and laugh with us, as though we are…people. I don’t mean it in a bad way,” he added when she met his gaze, her lips turning down. “It just amazes me that you aren’t more afraid.”

“Well.” She exhaled. “I’ve lived here for a few months now. I think you all tend to underestimate how adaptable we humans are.”

“I could hurt you,” he repeated, but she felt his hand cover hers and she swallowed. Her heart was racing. It was funny how listening to him warn her about the danger he posed didn’t fluster her in the slightest, yet a simple touch made her breathless.

“Lucifer would be the first to get mad about that, not me,” she said. He laughed.

“That’s fair.” He paused. “You might regret your decision.”

“Let me come to that conclusion on my own.” She met his gaze, feeling surprisingly bold, and his eyes softened – he reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear.

“You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into,” he whispered, leaning a little closer to her. She bit her lip, his nearness making her giddy.

“And that’s why I want to find out,” she answered just as quietly. He didn’t hesitate – the moment she was done speaking his lips were on hers, and she felt his hand on the back of her head, his fingers twining in her hair, pressing her closer.

She kissed him back, her eyelids fluttering shut. His lips were so soft, and it was exactly like how she imagined kissing him would feel. No, this was better. He whispered her name against her mouth and her heart sang.

Before she came to the Devildom she would never have imagined herself falling for a demon, but people changed, and she realised that the demons she met weren’t anything like the ones she saw in books and movies. His kisses were getting more forceful now, and she placed her hands on his shoulders, steadying herself as he leant into her, his weight pushing her down onto the mattress. He was warm and solid, and she liked feeling him on top of her like this.

“Satan,” she murmured his name as she parted from him, one of her hands fisting his blond hair – he responded by shifting down to her neck, her jaw, pressing gentle butterfly kisses along her throat. She shuddered as his tongue ran over a particularly sensitive spot, right where her pulse thrummed. She could lose herself in this – she could lose herself in him. Satan seemed to instinctively know where to kiss, where to touch so that she jolted beneath him, unable to withstand the sensations pulsing through her.

He was surprisingly gentle, given that he was the Avatar of Wrath – but whenever she managed to open her eyes, breaking free from the daze he lured her into, she saw the heat in his eyes and the way his fingers clenched his bedsheet and she realised that he was holding back, making sure that his touches were slow and soft. At some point he had slipped one hand up her shirt and she wasn’t complaining about that, but he left his hand resting on her torso and she did want him to start reaching a little higher.

“Satan. Just let go.” She caught his face between her hands and forced him to look at her. She heard his breath catch. “I want this. And I want you.”

“Moving a little fast, aren’t we?” he murmured, a teasing lilt in his voice, and she huffed, pulling him down towards her. She kissed him again and he sighed against her parted lips – his hand gripped her bare waist and she shivered, yearning to feel more of his touch. One of her hands reached up to brush his hair away from his eyes.

“I’ve waited long enough,” she told him, and he chuckled, catching her hand in his. He planted gentle kisses on each fingertip and she never knew it was possible to want someone so badly. She wanted it all – his smile, his gentleness, even the glimpses of something dark she could see whenever she touched him a certain way and he inhaled, his eyes narrowing at her.

“Another time, maybe.” Satan got off her and she groaned – he had wound her up and she was needy now. He was being unfair. But he smiled at her frustration and tugged on her hand, forcing her to sit up. “It’ll be dinnertime soon, and if we don’t show up the others are going to wonder what we’re doing,” he said.

“But I – fine.” She sighed. He was right. The last thing they wanted was all six of the brothers barging into Satan’s room, looking for them. “I want to say though, this is horrible timing.” She combed her fingers through her hair, knowing it was probably messy.

Satan reached up to push her fringe away from her face, and he kept his hand there for a moment, staring into her eyes. She fidgeted, unable to focus with him looking at her like that. Then he smiled and leant forward, bumping his nose against hers.

“We could always continue after dinner,” he said, so casually that for a moment she thought he was inviting her to watch shows in his room – then the realisation sank in and she blushed, averting her gaze. He laughed when she nodded, still refusing to look at him.

When she first arrived here as an exchange student, she would never have imagined that she’d end up dating one of the demon brothers, much less Satan. But here they were now, and if this didn’t prove that dreams could come true, she didn’t know what did.

[banchoaniki]

Multiples of 4 then ☠

4: Talk show host: Imma be real w you I havent watched a talk show since attack of the show on g4 and that got cancelled years ago 8: Yankee candle scent: Fresh Balsam Fir. Smells like christmas and being cozy. Pine scents in general are god tier 12: Thing to cook: Anything that puts a smile on the face of those who eat it. Or Steak, Mashed Potatoes and Asparagus. Its easy, nutritious, and delicious. (That’d make a good dating profile header) 16: Book: Hard question. I’d have to go with Colorless Tsukuru and His Years of Pilgrimage by Haruki Murakami. 20: Holiday: Thanksgiving! I was born on it, so I have to like it. Other than that, toss up between Halloween and Christmas. 24: Movie: Uhhhhhhh, for live action, its a toss up between A Clockwork Orange and Apocalypse Now. For animated, Mind Game 28: Band: I dont follow a ton of bands, so Death Grips I guess. Its not like I dont listen to other music, but its mostly individual songs as opposed to deep diving into their discography 32: Athlete: I dont follow sports dude. Maybe like Usain Bolt cause he also has a pet tortoise like me.  36: Vehicle: Triump Bonneville T-100 40: Last person I got mad at: Uhh my former friend who’s girlfriend left him for being a piece of shit basically 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: I’m not missing anyone a whole ton rn. Wish we could meet tho jaz! 48: Ever been in love: Of course, its great and terrible 52: My room is: Fairly messy rn but I’ll clean up soon.  56: Favorite web site: Certainly not tumblr dot com. Idk dude probably like youtube cause I spend a lot of time watching videos or listening to podcasts.  60: I lose all respect for people who: Treat their partners like crap 64: My friends are: Great people! Things have been getting better for a lot of people in my circle of friends recently, and they really deserve it! 68: The worst sound in the world: Nails on chalkboard.  72: Today: Pretty ok day. Need to get a few things under control and still need to work out a bit, but studied hard and met up w a classmate to work on a project together! 76: Right now I am talking to: No one in particular, but ive been talking to friends throughout the day 80: The first person i talked to today was: Probably my dad when he woke me up 84: People call me: a lot of things im sure. Depends on who you ask.  88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Connection to where I live. My family’s owned my house for almost 100 years now, living elsewhere lacks that certain je ne sais quoi 92: Got a peircing: Never! maybe in the future tho... 96: Changed a diaper: also never! didn’t have any siblings or a close connected family growing up so I never had to. When I’m a dad, I’m sure I will though 100: Cried in front of someone: Oh jeez, not really sure. Maybe a few months ago, but I can’t recall what for 104: The future: Its filled with infinite possibilities, I just have to work for a future I want. I’m not too worried about stability, but you never know. Always try to have contingency plans for your contingency plans.  108: Designer Clothes: Generally overpriced trash. I’d rather buy from a local artisan that makes clothes specifically for me. Not like I don’t shop for clothes or like looking good, but theres a lot of issues in the fashion industry that I take umbrage with and like to look for alternatives.  112: Facebook: Boomerbook is convenient website that I use on occasion but I find to be fairly toxic, like most social media, so i rarely post on it. I just use the messenger app to talk with friends. 116: Reality TV: Utter trash! There are a billion other ways to spend your time that are more productive and beneficial to yourself and others that getting caught up in some fake drama with celebrities.  120: Gay Marriage: I don’t believe any kind of marriage should be regulated by the government, as its a religious sacrament. If churches want to allow it, that’s their prerogative that I won’t infringe on, but that’s in an ideal world. As it stands, I don’t have any strong feels for or against it, insofar that I think most marriages are fairly toxic.  124: Disney or Six Flags: Didney Worl 128: Manicure or Pedicure: I’ll take both, thanks 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Whomst’d’ve?  136: Hillary or Obama: Both are genuinely terrible people like most, if not all, government officials in Washington.  140: Mac or PC: I built my own PC but iPads do be kinda fresh tho I can see why people who don’t have the same hobbies or interests prefer macs, their visual design blows most PCs out of the water, and they’re functional for work and video editing. They’re obviously overpriced for the performance, but you’re buying it for the label and the well designed UI (generally, theres obviously some UI designs that are/were less than great by apple) 144: Oranges or Apples: While I like oranges, I FUCKING LOVE apples. So yeah, apples, particularly Fuji apples.  148: Summer or winter: Winter. I live in Los Angeles. Our winters are mild and maybe drizzley. Our summers are hellish. Easy choice. 152: Phone or Online: Uh I mean I like talking on the phone but texting or instant messaging is super convenient and, really, a very different form of communication that I engage in more.  156: Orbs: Do i believe in orbs? What kind of orbs? idk dude this is very nondescript and im too lazy to research this. Orbs as a geometric object do exist yes. Jury is still out on whatever the fuck this is asking tho 160: Soul mates: A distinct possibility that I’d love to be true 164: Heaven: I’m catholic, pretty sure I have to believe in it.  168: Luck: Yeah, I believe in it, but I also believe we make our own luck most times. 172: Are you taller than your mom? yeah shes like 5′2  176: Last YouTube video watched: Sure hope you like smooth japanese jazz fusion  https://youtu.be/6GEI3PpXEAo 180: Marriage is: A great responsibility I hope to be ready for one day. It can be incredible and life-affirming or it can be soul crushing if you rush into things or just have a bad partner. I don’t mean to be cynical, I genuinely believe its a beautiful thing, but so many marriages today end up horribly, so I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of it at the same time.  184: Xbox or ps3: Whichever game console can give me a better user experience with better games and services. Right now that’s playstation, but I sincerely hope microsoft steps up to the plate next gen.  188: My bed is: A queen. Kinda messy rn.  192: I am allergic to: Nothing in particular 196: My eye color is: Green! I’m actually pretty proud of them, its the rarest eye color in the world, so its part of what makes me who I am.  200: My crush’s name is:  Jaz (no homo)  But also I’m not single so I don’t necessarily have any rn

PS: I sincerely apologize for this wall of text y’all