#the cycle of aging and dying is something my brain is just NOT okay with | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

saintbehemoth · 1 year ago

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Okay, okay, late with this ask, but I wanna unpack the sentiment that Daemon may have been preyed upon by an adult in his family as a child which led to his strange view of ‘sparing’ Rhaenyra from what would have been a consensual relationship with him.

So, who are our potential suspects?

In terms of family they had a lot at the time of Daemon’s childhood, but steadily lost more as time went on.

In no particular order:

Alyssa: the likelihood of Alyssa preying on her child in such a way, given what the book established about her love for her sons, seems very unlikely.

Baelon: if we’re framing daemon’s potential exploitation as a result of Alyssa dying Baelon potentially trying to “cope” 🤢 with her absence. Out of both of their children I picture Daemon physically resembling Alyssa the most (see: big ears). With this in mind, I’m not sure how likely or unlikely this would be. Baelon didn’t seem like the most present father, though both of his sons seem to remember him fondly.

Aemon: this one is a bit strange in the sense that daemon could have also become a coping device for the loss of alyssa. It could also attribute to some of the unnamed tension between rhaenys and daemon. Maybe she saw her father and her cousin acting strangely?Additionally, if it was Aemon that makes daemon’s taming of Caraxes that much more interesting. Claiming a piece of the uncle that tarnished him. That being said, Aemon was consistently described as being a protector within the family, so 🤷‍♀️.

Dishonorable mention: not family, but Otto. Just saying…

Let’s just say this interpretation of daemon (perpetuating a cycle of abuse) is making my abl brain light up

thrilled to talk about it!! always happy to. cycle of abuse goes crazy

edit: read this through and supposed i should add trigger warnings 😬 incest. childhood sexual abuse. grooming. dd:dne

i agree it’s not alyssa, who also died when daemon was about 3. she definitely haunts him for the rest of his life though - apparently being her favourite despite not being able to remember her, looking like her, both wilful + bold…..

yeah, i think baelon was a fine guy, but not a particularly good father. preferred making children to actually having them yk. i do think he was weird wrt family dynamics, in a targaryen way. way too close/familiar/intimate with (also dependant on) his siblings. currently playing with the idea that baelon was the one to get gael pregnant, because he ‘needed’ a new sisterwife…

ooohhh, i hadn’t thought of aemon. i always attributed the rhaenys daemon tension to him claiming her dead dad’s dragon. i always pictured it a bit like a cycle of vengeance, like rhaenys claimed daemon’s dead mother’s dragon p much right after her death, so daemon did the same and stole caraxes as a memory of aemon from right under her nose. and then of course that daemon raised an army for/supported viserys during the inheritance council and not her. brothers before cousins i guess

speaking of viserys….. can you guess who my number one suspect is…. 🤗🤗

yeeees, i think it was viserys. my friend worked out the age difference in the show and i think it’s something like 11 years ??! all guesstimation of course. in f&b the difference is 4 years. i like to place them 7 years apart. anyway the point is viserys is much older and in a position of power over his younger brother, both by placement of birth and then he becomes the heir…

some things that i think come into play here:

1. the targaryen obsession with having a daughter to match a son. see alysanne’s comment that alyssa “is for” baelon. the second child ‘ought’ to be a daughter, so technically daemon was supposed to be a girl anyway and thus viserys’ wife :/// also i think viserys would, perhaps subconsciously, blame daemon for not being a girl and causing him problems with finding a wife and eventually having to marry his not-sister aemma arryn, so that blame would manifest in… evil ways. ALSO what you said about daemon resembling alyssa - he’s basically a girl anyway, right? 🤔

2. daemon’s sudden not-banishment from court aged 16, to marry rhea royce. coincidentally the year of rhaenyras birth. how he and rhea never consummated. daemon’s subsequent back and forth in viserys’ court - one minute he is favoured, the next cast out. his complication relationship with his brother, clearly resenting him and his weakness but still crawling back like a dog every time, no matter how furious viserys was when he sent him away…… the complicated love/hate towards a once-beloved abuser…

and so, daemons sad attempt at ending the cycle. my brother badtouched me → i will badtouch his daughter. i think there’s smth to be said about daemon having two motives in the brothel scene at first, firstly he does love and desire rhaenyra but secondly he wants to ‘get back’ at his brother, but then of course realises that he doesn’t want to use rhaenyra as a pawn in that sense at all. crazy that years later he claims it was a sparing but at the time we know he asked viserys for rhaenyra’s hand… in his mind to be spared is from a rough reputation-ruining fuck, not from publicly recognised and supported incest…. can’t remember where i was going with this ^-^ something about secret/private vs public

okay last suspect. personally i think a combination of this one + viserys is [static sounds] x_x : corlys. daemon fought in the first stepstone war at about 16, corlys was velaryon commander and much, much older. perhaps the source of that tension between daemon and rhaenys you mentioned….. how to reconcile your husband with the solider who took advantage of your younger cousin on the battlefield. can see the excuse of ‘war’/‘all men do this during fighting times’ being used on daemon. older respected man in a position of power vs young second son desperate to prove himself….. what a combo

SLSMAJHD OTTO. i am a believer in otto ‘groomer’ hightower, but i think daemon wouldn’t stand for it from a non-family member…. like with otto he can complain to the king, but what can he do when the king is the one molesting him…

hope this made sense i wrote it in two sittings so it might be a bit garbled ;_; ty for asking ❤️‍🔥

#asks #🗣 mutuals!!#hotd #daemon targaryen #daemon

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cavalierious-whim · 1 year ago

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Childe is away at work, Zhongli is in heat and Ekaterina gives him the strap to ease the pain until his husband comes home.

Happy Kinktober! Day one is Pegging, and I couldn't resist. Please mind the tags. Don't forget you can read the fic here on AO3, and you can follow me both on Twitter and Blusky!

“Katya.”

Ekaterina blinks. Stills slightly as she tilts her head. Zhongli answered his door with a flushed face and strangely dressed down in nothing but loose trousers and a silk robe, open at the chest. Sweat slicks his brow as if fevered. His posture is bent, unsteady, as if drunk. Warning bells went off the moment he poked his head through the door, hair mussed and askew, but it wasn’t until he spoke that it became clear: something is amiss.

It is always Miss Ekaterina. Thank you, Miss Ekaterina. Good to see you, Miss Ekaterina. Please send my regards to Ajax, Miss Ekaterina. Childe is the one who calls her Katya and while he doesn’t throw it around randomly in public, he does call her such around Zhongli. A testament to their trust.

But.

“Mr. Zhongli,” she starts, “are you alright?”

“I…” Zhongli flounders. “Yes. I’m okay. I am—” Tongue-tied and hoarse. Ekaterina’s gaze narrows as her expression cools. Zhongli swallows thickly. “That is to say, I will be fine.”

Ekaterina blinks again. “I promised him I’d keep an eye on you.”

“Miss Ekaterina—”

“Oh so now it’s Miss Ekaterina? Not Katya?” Ekaterina is not unkind as she retorts. Her tone is pinched with concern, just like the space between her brows. “I stopped by Wanmin to pick up lunch only for Xiangling to tell me you hadn’t shown up for two days. She was concerned, and now I am.”

“I—”

“Don’t take that tone with me. I’m no fool. I know who you are but you forget that my job is to babysit a Harbinger. An old, retired Archon is no different.” She huffs. “Now, what is wrong? Are you sick?”

Zhongli does something she’s never seen him do before—he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. Then he shudders as if he’s in pain, breath hitched. A soft whine. “It is—”

“If you say nothing I will send a missive to His Lordship right now.”

Zhongli’s back straightens. His expression is wide-eyed and eager. A small pout quirks his mouth. “Would you?”

Ekaterina’s gaze narrows. He knows that she has direct contact with Childe and that he can be back within a day at most—he’s off doing work but he isn’t so far away as to be unreachable. At first, she thought that perhaps Zhongli was merely under the weather. He often mopes when Childe must travel, but this… is very different.

“Zhongli, you aren’t dying are you?”

Zhongli laughs at that, a barking sort of sound that nearly makes her jump. “Ah.” Suddenly, he is quieter. Weary, worn-thin, and exhausted. “No, it is nothing like that. I will confess, though, Ajax’s presence is the best option for a speedy recovery.”

“The reason being?”

Zhongli takes too long to answer. Ekaterina watches his throat bob as he stalls. Why is he so embarrassed? Zhongli rubs his chin, considering exactly how to respond. “Miss Ekaterina,” he finally says, “I apologize for putting this bluntly but I’ve gone into heat.”

Every thought in her brain thuds to a halt. He’s what now?

“With Ajax as my mate my cycle has—” Oh gods, she doesn’t want to hear this. But Ekaterina listens with supreme, morbid curiosity as Zhongli paints out the situation in horrific detail. “—I miscalculated,” he then murmurs. “Or perhaps it is my age. I am not so surprised that such things are no longer… regular. Regardless, with Ajax currently working out of town, I am left sick, bereft, and with the overwhelming need to be filled and bred—”

“Okay, okay, that’s enough,” cuts in Ekaterina. “I get the picture.”

“So if you could kindly reach out to Ajax and request that he come home early, I would appreciate it.”

A beat of silence passes between them. Ekaterina has never felt so awkward or out of her depth. “And you?”

“And me?”

“Will you be…” She gestures vaguely.

Zhongli’s resulting laughter is dry. “I do think that I can manage until he finds his way back home. It is uncomfortable but it will not kill me. I’ll do my best to sleep it off.”

“What if I fuck you?” Ekaterina says it before she can stop herself. Godsdamn intrusive thoughts. She didn’t mean to say it aloud, and in a rare moment of losing her cool, she slaps a hand over her mouth. Oh, Celestia above. “I… well, I just meant like… to take… the edge… off?” It gets worse the more she speaks but she’s dug her grave. She may as well lay in it.

Zhongli, though, to his credit doesn’t even bat an eye. Instead, he leans against the door frame, his robe slipping down his shoulder to reveal smooth, pale skin. Ekaterina’s gaze drops. She can’t help it. It’s more of the man than she’s ever seen before.

“Perhaps, not the worst idea,” he says.

For the second time, Ekaterina’s mind reels to a stop. “What?”

Zhongli looks bemused. “You suggested it, Miss Ekaterina. And Ajax has mentioned that you’ve—”

“He’s what?” Ekaterina is not the embarrassed type, and she certainly isn’t bothered by her past exploits or whatever fun she and Childe may have… indulged in previously. Still. She clears her throat and collects herself. “I didn’t realize that he was so candid about his past… conquests.”

“In sordid detail, I assure you.” Zhongli’s mouth twists into a smirk. “Though one could argue that it was your conquest instead of his. Teasing aside, I would accept your offer provided you reach out to Ajax first.”

Ekaterina licks her lips. She can’t believe that she’s considering it and she can’t believe that Zhongli would entertain the idea as well. I’ve fucked a god, said Childe one night to her with lips loosened by Fire Water. It was a religious experience. Consider me now a devout follower on my knees for Rex Lapis at all times.

“Alright, then,” she says, looking Zhongli square in the face. “I’ll send a messenger out, telling Ajax to come home and tend to his husband, and until then, I fuck you.”

“Pristinely stated, Miss Ekaterina. A contract then, set in stone. I’ll leave the door unlocked for you—just be sure to latch it when you come back.”

His eyes glow gold as their agreement settles into place and Ekaterina doesn’t know if the shiver that goes down her spine is lust, or whatever power still lingers in those old bones of his.

Childe’s occasional, last-minute vacations now make sense.

The room is dim aside from one candle that sits on the bedside table, flickering. It smells like sex; sharp and tangy. But something else, too; honeyed and sweet, earthy and intimate. Ekaterina didn’t know she had instincts until she had Zhongli under her hands, melting into the sheets.

She drags her hands down his sides, tracing slim muscle, the lines of his ribs, the sharp jut of his hip bones. Never has a man been so desperate for her touch—not even Childe in the throes of his Abyssal insanity. Zhongli is not just another animal, he is an entire beast laid bare before her, swathed in soft silk sheets.

The bed dips underneath her weight. Zhongli watches her with a narrowed, hazy gaze. “Ajax…”

Oh, what a beautiful sound. Ekaterina doesn’t lean close to placate him but her voice is soft as she says, “He’ll be here soon. He promised me. Until then, I promised him that I’d take good care of you.”

“But—”

“Would you like that, Mr. Zhongli?” It is a careful boundary placed, one that all three of them will be thankful for. At the moment, Zhongli is heat sick, his brain muddled. But he nods nonetheless. “Use your words,” she encourages. “I need to hear it.”

“Yes, Katya.” She smiles at that and lets it slip. Katya suits this moment better than Miss Ekaterina anyhow.

It is perfunctory at best but she cannot help but be aroused. Zhongli is both handsome and beautiful. He sounds divine as he gasps when her hand traces his stomach, just underneath his navel. Her thumb smooths over the taut skin there, dragging in soothing circles. Then it dips down.

“What’s this?” she asks as if she hasn’t already caught a glimpse of the slit between his thighs.

Inhuman. Woefully different from what she’s used to on herself. Zhongli has no clit, no wet and glistening folds, no dick or balls—which the latter, honestly, is what she expected. Childe has mentioned before that though Zhongli can mold himself into whatever he wishes, he prefers a decidedly male form.

This though—he is still Zhongli, still the man she knows just bits and pieces of him are different. His arms are dark, charcoal black against a backdrop of pale sheets. He glitters with Geo, gold markings etched into his skin like latticework. She was surprised he was still soft to the touch, that his skin felt the same. Antlers crown his head, shadowy and half-formed. Claws prick her thighs as he holds her there. Fangs peek from his lips, just barely on display.

Ekaterina thinks of the mark on Childe’s neck. It isn’t hot—no—but it warms her all the same. Childe isn’t just her boss, he’s her brother, almost. They are thicker than blood and as Childe’s mate, Zhongli is her family too.

Affection curls in her chest. “Poor thing,” she coos, settling between his thighs properly. Zhongli widens his legs and she gets a better look. His slit is slick, gleaming, dripping onto the sheets, the insides of his thighs coated. “Can I…?”

“Please.”

Ekaterina drags her thumb across that slit. Zhongli keens, moaning softly as she pets him, her thumb just barely dipping in, testing the waters. Not as pliant as a traditional cunt. Tight and hot around her thumb as she sinks in just the first knuckle. Muscles ripple and—

“Oh,” she murmurs, head tilting as something else slips from just underneath the top of his sheath. Ekaterina practically purrs at the sight, pulling her thumb back out. “So you do have a cock—”

A huff. Even now, Zhongli can find humor in the strange state of his anatomy. “Dragons are—”

“You’re level-headed enough for an anatomy lesson? Later, Mr. Zhongli. For now, just tell me what you want me to do.”

Zhongli groans. “Touch me.” He nearly snaps it, his tone taking on a sharp edge. And then, softer, “Please. Katya.”

She hums softly, watching as his cock slips out. Average length and girth. The spade-shaped tip, though, is a welcome change of pace. “A tight fit?” she teases, tracing the base of the cock with her fingers.

“My vent—”

“Vent,” she repeats, tongue curling around the word. She spreads Zhongli’s slit, tugging at the edges to see exactly where the bits and baubles are. “A cock here and—ah. There.”

Zhongli moans, long and drawn out as her fingers ghost the entrance of his cunt. His cock twitches, dripping from the tip. His legs jerk, trying to force her hand into a position where her fingers will slip right in. “Does it ache, Mr. Zhongli?” She doesn’t ask to be cruel; Ekaterina is walking in blind and though she understands the base mechanics, he will have to guide her.

Still. It’s fun to tease, and Zhongli is a needy thing who begs for her touch. Ekaterina smiles sweetly and dips closer. She is sans her mask, her auburn hair down from its bun, and hanging over her shoulder as she leans over him. “Do you feel empty?”

Zhongli watches her back with glittering, golden eyes. His face is flush. He breathes hard. Claws dig into her skin just this side of painful. His gaze tips down, lingering on the cock strapped between her legs, secured by a thick and steady harness. She didn’t bother to undress fully, but his eyes linger on where the leather tugs at her skin.

Ekaterina reaches out and tilts his chin up, forcing his gaze back onto her face. “Shall I take care of you until Ajax gets here?”

“Ajax—”

“Soon,” promises Ekaterina. “Until then, I can ease the pain with this, hm? Would you like that?”

Zhongli whimpers, arching in the sheets. “Katya.”

“Use your words.”

“Yes. Yes—Mhmn.”

Ekaterina’s fingers slide into his sopping heat with little resistance. Still tighter than expected; Ekaterina can feel Zhongli’s cock nestled at the top of his vent, crowding the space. Underneath it, her fingers sink deep, searching around, figuring out the spots and angles that make Zhongli lose himself.

She curls her fingers upwards and he hisses. “There—oh, that’s—”

Ekaterina smirks. The same spot in all consideration, just this time her fingers ghost that semi-rigid base of his dick. Strange and otherworldly. She’s slick to the wrist, Zhongli’s cunt flooding everything between his thighs.

“I want—”

“What do you want, Mr. Zhongli?”

“I want—” He chokes as her fingers stroke his insides. Ekaterina smiles sweetly, a genuine thing, lacking the teasing edge her words carry. And even then, even though she flirts with the situation, and demands to hear him say it aloud, the point of this is to help, to ease the pain long enough that Zhongli doesn’t go mad with it.

Ekaterina traces the length of his cock with the tip of her finger. She fucks him with her other hand, three fingers nestled into his cunt. Even this is not enough. Zhongli writhes on the bed sheets. “Ajax,” he murmurs, pained. “I—he needs to breed me. He needs to—”

“What a dear thing you are,” she says softly. “A good mate for him, yes? He’ll be here soon to do just that.”

Zhongli’s hips twitch, rising to meet her hand, driving her fingers deeper. “Katya, please, breed me—”

“No.”

“Katya.”

“I’ll fuck you,” she says, pulling her fingers from his cunt. His slit is swollen. Slick drips from it, inviting and delicious, and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t want to taste. Even his cock twitches, hard against his belly, making a mess. What a sight. Truly divine. “Easy does it. I know it aches.” Ekaterina pulls Zhongli closer by the hips.

He whines as her cock rubs against his cunt, hissing softly at the cold material. Meticulously crafted Cor Lapis. Ekaterina showed up with her own dildo and its harness, but Zhongli requested this one be used instead and she’s seen Childe’s dick enough to know it’s a perfect replica.

Ekaterina smiles as she bucks her hips, sliding the length over him until it rests against Zhongli’s cock. “Did you make this?” She curls a hand around both of them.

“I…”

“No need to be embarrassed. It’s sweet. No doubt our dear Ajax likes it.”

Zhongli whines as she thrusts into her hand. His cock is hard and purple at the strange tip. She thumbs over it, delighting in the groan she pulls from his throat.

“Fuck me, Katya.” Zhongli’s eyes are sharp, despite his heat. He rolls his hips, forcing more friction against his cock. “Isn’t that why you’re here? To breed me until my mate comes home? It hurts. You offered this, you—”

“Not where you want it.” Ekaterina lets go of their cocks, her hand slipping back to the opening of his vent. She drags her thumb over the slit, just barely dipping into the wetness there. “I’ll leave such things to Ajax. Here, however—” Her hand drops lower and nudges between his asscheeks. Her fingers brush against his hole, finding it already loose and slick.

That’s a thought, isn’t it? Zhongli fucking his fingers at the thought of being bred. Heat curls in her gut as she imagines it. Ekaterina’s cunt tingles and she presses the palm of her free hand against the front of the harness, grinding it against her clit.

They meet gazes. Zhongli blinks back at her with a half-lidded and ruddy gaze. “I am capable of compromise,” he tells her.

“Oh? Is that what you older folk call it? Compromising?”

“My mate is gone and I’m in heat. Fuck me, Katya.”

Ekaterina’s mouth curls into a smirk. Oh, she could get used to hearing that. “Listen to you, Mr. Zhongli. I never thought you’d beg me, of all people—” Zhongli snorts, mildly affronted, but it melts into a drawn-out moan as she drags her knuckles over the slit of his cunt. His slick is incredibly viscous, thicker than expected, and would make for good lube. What luck.

“I won’t ask for you to assume the position,” she teases.

“I could.”

She blinks. “Do you want to? Or would you rather save that for Ajax?” Zhongli’s mouth parts as he thinks, prompting her to continue. “Imagine it,” she says, her thumb dropping to his ass again. “Him, walking in on me fucking you, but I’m not the one you present yourself for.”

“Katya,” Zhongli murmurs, almost sluggish. His lashes brush his cheeks as he arches at the press of her thumb.

“I’d pull out and you’d roll over, spreading yourself, and then Ajax would breed you properly. Sounds nice, right?”

Zhongli almost trills at her words, a strange sort of purring as he melts into the bed. This is the moment, she supposes. Zhongli is lost in his haze, drunk on the thoughts of his husband instead. She presses the tip of his chosen cock to his hole and sinks in slowly.

His ass gives way so easily. Zhongli moans, hips rising to meet the slow rolls of her hips, and Ekaterina means to keep it gentle and simple, but he will have none of it. Zhongli curls a leg around her waist and pulls her closer with the strength of—well—Ekaterina forgets she is in the bed of a once archon.

“Look at how well you take me,” she says, watching her cock sink right into the root. “Is that better, Mr. Zhongli?”

It must be. He moans, wriggling his hips, begging for more. And who is she to deny him? Ekaterina promised to help. She slides her hands down the length of his thighs, relishing in the ripple of his taut muscles and the way he jerks at the touch.

“More,” he gasps. “Please. Please—” He lets out a strangled cry of her name when she pulls out to the tip of her cock and slams back in.

Ekaterina fucks him earnestly. The bed squeaks underneath them, bumping against the wall. The wet slap of their skin sings through the air, but she thinks that nothing quite compares to the sounds that tumble from Zhongli’s mouth. She is caught as she watches him, lax in the bed, cock twitching against his stomach, the slit of his vent swollen and pink.

His ass swallows her cock greedily. She fucks him hard, with sharp, punctuated thrusts, and Zhongli’s claws just dig into her waist as he keens for more.

Geo swallows the room. That grip that he has on his form slips and Zhongli unwittingly shows off more than he means. A religious experience, said Childe once about fucking Zhongli. Ekaterina sees what he meant. Zhongli is handsome, beautiful, pretty—everything at once underneath her.

“Katya,” he moans, clinging to her, forcing her thrusts deeper. “Katya.”

She leans forward and the angle changes. She grinds into him, deeply, rubbing herself against the front of the harness. A soft groan. The throb of her own cunt. Even Ekaterina isn’t wholly unaffected. There’s something to be said about bringing powerful men to their knees and fucking them, and though Childe is a Harbinger, Zhongli is a god.

“Such a good boy for me,” she says then, her words saccharine sweet. “Just like Ajax.” Another lazy thrust into his ass.

Zhongli’s head tips back leaving his throat bared. Old, bruising marks line his neck and collarbone. His throat bobs as a half-sob flits from his lips. Ekaterina has set boundaries; she won’t press her face into his neck, or kiss, or leave her own marks—but she can dream.

“I’m—I—”

“Shush.” Ekaterina drags a hand down his front, pinching a nipple. “Just let go. Take my cock like the good boy you are and let go.”

She fucks him languidly, now, sweeping thrusts that strike deep and slide in and out with little rhythm. There is little doubt that Zhongli is still frustrated—his slit is swollen and drenched, and his cock is so hard it looks painful. Combined with his nagging need to be filled and bred, she can imagine that this isn’t enough.

“Ajax,” he mutters, eyes fluttering closed and thinking of his mate instead.

“There you go,” she soothes. “Think of him. He loves you, but you know that. You’re so good for him—”

Zhongli cries out as her cock nails his prostate. “There, there—”

Ekaterina holds the angle. She fucks into him, one hand curled around his hip, yanking Zhongli onto her cock. Her other hand sweeps across his body before taking hold of his weeping cock. A choking sound. Zhongli’s eyes are tightly shut, face tilted to the side, mouth parted. A curse—Oh, she’s never heard him curse in such a way before. Not like this.

“Fuck,” he hisses. Those damn claws prick her skin, a delicious pain that settles as heat in her gut. “Gods, fuck, Katya—” And then softer: “Ajax.”

Ekaterina wonders what his need feels like. Is it tight and white-hot? Is it more akin to cramping, low in his core, a deep-seated desperation to fill the emptiness in his gut, that instinctual need to be fucked full and bred until it takes? Her hand presses against the taut muscles of his stomach, just under his navel.

“Would it take?” she muses. Her fingers move to nudge at his slit next, fingers slipping into that sopping, wet heat. “Can Ajax breed you properly? Would you want that?”

Her cock drives deep and Zhongli sobs. At first, Ekaterina thinks it is the heavy grind of her movements but then he says, “Yes. Yes, I want a clutch. I want—”

Oh. Oh, this is—

“Darling boy,” she murmurs. She fucks him on her cock and fingers, watching his rim spread wide around the thick girth of the cock.

Zhongli is a babbling mess, tears leaking from his eyes, hair mussed and wild. His legs lock around her waist. He meets every thrust, driving her cock deeper. “Are you going to come?” she asks. His cunt squeezes her fingers in response. He’s loose-limbed in the sheets, face hidden in the crook of his elbow. So close to his end.

Delicious. Heavenly, even. Zhongli barely holds onto his form, the air in the room thick and earthen.

Ekaterina wonders if Childe knows. Zhongli is heat sick and lost in his passion, but there is no denying the effect his confession had on him. Instinctual or not, he wants a clutch. She curls her fingers inside him again. Thumbs along the base of his cock, where it sits in his slit. Punctuated thrusts that leave her thighs burning, her cunt dripping, and Zhongli sliding across the sheets.

Zhongli comes first, Childe’s name on his lips. Unsurprisingly. But then— “Katya,” he hisses. “Katya, Katya—”

Her thrusts come to a grinding halt. One hand slips into her harness to pet her clit. Ekaterina sighs, sparks zinging up her spine as she rubs herself. She hadn’t expected to get off but Zhongli is too sweet, too beautiful speared on her cock, a wet and ruddy mess.

“The sight of you,” she says. “Just as divine as Ajax said. Gods. Tell me, Mr. Zhongli, do you want more? Are you done? Do you want me to keep fucking you until you can’t think?”

“More,” he rasps. “More—”

Ekaterina presses back his hips and resumes fucking him again. Zhongli jerks in overstimulation. Ekaterina sweeps her fingers through the come on his stomach, palm pressed to the flat space there, teasing. And he knows it, what she’s thinking, what Childe would think if he saw him like this. Zhongli, swollen with a clutch, cunt shining and wet.

She comes grinding against the harness, white-hot and sharp. She can feel the tang of his power on her tongue. Zhongli glows in the bed, his antlers orange-tipped like the sunset. She fucks him through her orgasm, through his, fucks him until he’s a blob in the bed, heavy-limbed and sore.

When they’re done, she tosses the harness to the side, uncaring of the mess. Ekaterina kisses the inside of his thigh, Zhongli’s spent and sloppy cunt, and even the tip of his flagging cock before it settles back inside its sheath. And that is it. Nothing more. She lays beside him and pets his hair, combing back his bangs as his heat settles for the time being.

“I didn’t know you could sweat,” she teases. Zhongli grunts in reply, leaving her to chuckle softly. “Such a sweet boy.”

“Like Ajax,” he mutters.

Ekaterina’s gaze sharpens at that. “We should share a drink another time. You can tell me exactly what it is he’s told you.”

Zhongli manages a small, tired smile. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? There are some things better undiscussed.”

“I was there for it,” she counters. “It’s not as though I don’t already know.”

“Yes, but—”

“But I’ve seen your…” She gestures between them.

Zhongli sniffs. “Hopefully for the last time.”

Yes, actually. Hopefully for the last time. As fun as this was Ekaterina is now wracked with post-nut-clarity and the absurd horror that she’s fucked her boss's husband.

“Rest,” she says. “I’ll clean up. Ajax told me he’d hurry home so I can’t imagine he’ll be much longer.”

Just as Ekaterina is about to slip from the bed, Zhongli grabs her wrist. “Katya,” he mutters, his voice nearly lost in the pillows. “Thank you. I know that you don’t quite understand but please be aware that I don’t let just anyone into my nest like this. I—well—”

“Your trust in me is noted.” Ekaterina taps his nose. “Not that I was concerned. Now rest.”

Zhongli makes a sound as if to protest, but Ekaterina pulls away. She picks up their mess and bathes quickly using the wash basin. Zhongli is dozing when she slips back into the covers. He mutters Childe’s name as he settles against her, tired and sleepy, and Ekaterina sighs as she combs through his hair.

Later, the door opens quietly and Childe’s head pokes through the door. His gaze is frantic, half-wild the moment he feels the charged air. Something about being mated, she assumes. Zhongli still rests, cheek pressed against her breast.

Childe’s gaze softens at the sight of them. “How is he?” he asks as he kicks off his shoes and pads across the room.

“Beat. I didn’t—” Ekaterina sighs softly as she begins to extricate herself from Zhongli’s clinging grasp. “It’s slowed but it hasn't abated, I suppose. I didn’t fuck his…” She makes a crude gesture, unable to say the word. “Though he wanted me to. I talked him into waiting for you.”

Childe looks exhausted but begins to peel off his clothing. “Words cannot describe my thanks, Katya. He talks a big game but when he’s like this…”

“Oh, I saw. Needy thing, isn’t he?” Childe rubs his chin and cracks a grin. “Well then, with you here, I’ll take my leave. I cleaned the equipment he chose and left it in the bathroom to dry.”

“He chose?”

Ekaterina gives him a sly smile. “Bold choice to make a cock designed after yours. Also, speaking of—”

“Katya—”

“I would appreciate it if you kept our past exploits private.”

Childe winces. “It was bedroom talk! And it was…” He swallows. “You know what? No. I won’t apologize.”

Ekaterina expects as much and just chuckles softly. Zhongli stirs in the bed, a soft whimper bubbling from his throat. Ekaterina shoots Childe a look. “And that’s my cue.”

Childe hooks his fingers around her elbow for one last pause. “Really, Katya. Thank you.”

Her gaze shifts into something cool and she smirks. “Intrusive as the thought was, did you think I would say no? No, it was truly a divine experience, as you so eloquently once described. That being said—never again. Now tend to your husband and give him that clutch he’s been begging for.”

“I—what?”

She barely registers his flabbergasted face before slipping through the bedroom door and shutting it behind her. And, as Zhongli earlier requested, she remembers to latch the front on her way out.

#Ekaterina/Zhongli #ZhongChiLi #Childe/Zhongli #Established ZhongChonLi #genshin impact fanfic #genshin impact fanfiction #genshin fanfic #genshin smut

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werewolfpdfs · 3 years ago

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💞 the death anxiety coping mechanisms post 💞

you have a small little animal (yourself) and you must treat it gently etc etc

part one: thoughts I keep in my pocket for when I start spiralling about the concept of nothingness (aka your brain is a liar)

mark twain philosophy: “i had been dead for billions and billions of years before i was born…” - this doesn’t usually help me honestly (too abstract) but it’s something ive been told before by other people that they use!

that’s a problem for another day - my death does not meaningfully exist to me until the moment before it happens. until it exists, it has no authority to dictate my life or emotions. (this is the put that shit off method of denial and any insinuations that it’s unhealthy will be met with an immediate bonk on the head with my rubber mallet)

being afraid doesn’t last forever, actually - do you ever spiral so bad you start spiralling about spiralling? good time to remind yourself that fear of death tends to lessen, rather than increase, as you age <3

says who? - devils advocate toddler your brain into submission method. why are you so convinced by your worst case scenario? is it a rational or anxiety-driven conclusion? if it’s rational, on whose authority? yours? humans have extremely inflated egos of ourselves. you understand nothing about anything, especially death. you’re convinced by your worst case scenario because you’re five steps from being a smooth brained koala and what you think has zero bearing on the mechanisms of the universe. sit down.

dad goes first - i have a dead dad and if he could deal with it (whatever happens after death) so can i. it’s the equivalent of feeling better about cliff diving after your friend does it. it’s like…we are holding hands as we walk into the next stage of our part in the universe, and it’s okay if we don’t have to do it alone <3

matter cannot be created or destroyed - pretty self explanatory but the idea that my life and death follows a natural cycle in which parts of me (if not my consciousness) continue to live on extremely comforting to me. i am become mulch

the fantasy game - your brain is so good at conjuring bad thoughts. time for your best case thoughts. this basically counteracts the catastrophizing part of distorted thoughts caused by anxiety disorders. what’s your ideal after-death scenario? i like to think of being everywhere, not thinking but not not-existing, just being a completely integrated part of the fabric of the universe, and being fully and totally at peace with place in everything :) the goal here isn’t to come up with something “realistic”, it’s to put a few thoughts other than BAD BAD SCARY SCARY SCARY into your brain for once

it means something - i really struggle with the concept of meaninglessness. it helps to remind myself that if my life is meaningful even to myself, in a purely constructed meaning, that’s enough. there doesn’t have to be some grand plan for us all for it to be worth it. it’s enough to just enjoy this 1 in several trillion chance you’ve got at being Alive

we live in a society - i have wished multiple times that humanity was a hivemind for several reasons, but this unfortunately not being the case doesn’t erase the fact that we are a collective group of animals that share a lot of feelings. there are other people just as scared as you. it sounds like total bullshit, but you genuinely are not alone in this. find community in your misery

part 2: practicality (aka for when the brain doesn’t want to listen to you)

skydive - probably not the best choice if your fear is of dying, at least not without a lot of preparing and exposure therapy, but in my totally unprofessional opinion it is scientifically impossible to be afraid of a nebulous concept when flying through the air like a bird in a weird outfit. next question. (in all seriousness, you need to move your body so you don’t forget you exist right now. get up and stretch. take a breath. do a little dance in the rain)

go to sleep - if you’re experiencing this at 2am there is your problem. try your best to get some shut-eye because i guarantee it won’t feel as bad in the morning. I’ve had a meltdown at 3am only to forget how to be scared of something by sunrise too many times

buddy system - sometimes you just need to cry and have someone tell you it’s okay, even if you don’t believe them. for me it’s my mom, for you it could be anyone you trust. often it helps to find someone whose been where you are and has come out on the other side okay

do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive - if you have crippling fomo about the future it can really help to do something you’ve always wanted to. it’s one less thing left to fit into your life, which has about a billion other opportunities out there if you ever run out of ideas

distract yourself - okay, like…ignoring anxiety isn’t good! i get it! but when something has been addressed over and over and keeps standing in your doorway like a sleep paralysis demon of anxious thoughts it has lost its right to an audience. whatever occupies your brain is good. books, crosswords, your favourite show, etc. don’t fuel the thoughts by engaging with them if that doesn’t help you. if im getting overwhelmed, sometimes the best thing i can do for myself is put the problem in a file in my brain for later and go play skyrim (lmao)

that’s all for now but if anyone has anything to add please feel free! this list is incomplete

there are a finite number of sunrises to be seen for everyone, but there are so many. there are enough

#the you im referring to is in fact myself this post is entirely self-motivated #but i do hope it may help anyone who happens to see it with the same sorta thought processes as me lol #death anxiety #thanatophobia #etc etc etc #girl moment #oh yeah here’s that post I mentioned btw haha

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marshmallowprotection · 3 years ago

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I dont know if you've answered this or not, but what do you think saeyoung would have thought about learning saeran wasnt a singlet. I'm not sure he would even really quite understand dissociative disorders other than hearing about them in passing (dispite having one himself along the lines of dp/dr imo) I feel like he'd feel guilty mostly if not a bit confused. I'm sure he would try his best to learn though.

I haven't actually gone into this in extreme detail on the blog. However, I can say that it's definitely something that I've written about! I’ve explored what it would be like in the Secret Endings if Ray and Suit Saeran were around, because I think I made it clear I don’t see Unknown and Suit as the same person, haha. That’s a thing interlocked with my CMC, though, so not a lot of people glance at that, but I can build from that to talk about this.

Oh, and if you’ve read my VAE story, then you know how I’ve covered what it’s like for VAE Ray and Saeran to interact with Saeyoung and the other members of the RFA.

Now, yes, Saeyoung is going to feel like it’s his fault that his brother suffered so much. But, something that he has to learn is that he wasn’t the one that hurt his twin. He was always trying to protect him. Childhood trauma is such a complex and layered issue to deal with and those boys did the best that they could at the time to survive in a waking nightmare.

Saeyoung, upon realizing what happened, is going to have to process quite a lot. He blames himself because the excess trauma that Saeran suffered while he was alone makes him feel like he should’ve taken his brother and run, hell to his father and the chance of dying. Even if you sit him down and explain how these processes in the brain develop, he’d still internally blame himself.

DID develops before you brain is capable of making a cohesive personality, so extreme duress and trauma before and around the ages of one to ten, is what causes these fractures. There was no way that Saeyoung could’ve stopped what was happening to them, he was also a child. So, honestly, whenever he is able to learn about what Saeran went through, there’s always this cycle.

This cycle of blaming himself that he needs to work through to deal with what he has to do.

You can experience Dissociation, Depersonalization, Derealization, and things of that nature with other mental illness. It’s not the same as DID but you can feel a lot of disconnection.

I personally deal with these things and I’m just a singlet, too. Saeyoung likely would struggles with depersonalization and derealization just from his PTSD and anxiety. He’s not got DID, but he is dealing with other dissociative elements with his own complex trauma.

He can understand what it feels like for the world to become fake, wrong, and disconnected. He can understand what it feels like to be numb and detached from your body. That, he can understand, but he’s not going to know exactly what it feels like to have DID. He may be a little lost when it comes to what Saeran is actually going through.

But, that doesn’t mean that he’s not going to learn. He wants to learn so that he can be a good brother. In the context of the VAE story here, Ray is the host in the After Ending. He isn’t Saeran. But, Saeyoung is still his brother and he holds onto a lot of memories with him and he cares for him. But, he’s never formally introduced himself to Saeyoung or tried to be... Ray.

He was always Saeran, back then.

So, as he got ready to see his brother again, he was overwhelmed and cried because he was so scared that Saeyoung would reject him for not being Saeran Choi. He’s Ray Choi.

But, Saeyoung is a man that adapts fast and hard, even as he’s trying to learn how to do things the right way. Ray broke down in tears in front of his twin and admitted everything to him and he insisted, “It’s okay if you don’t want to interact with me, I know I’m not Saeran.”

But, Saeyoung embraced him without warning and wept alongside him. “It doesn’t matter to me if you’re Saeran or not, you’re my brother, right?”

And Ray would quietly nod.

Which in turn would make Saeyoung hold him tighter and breathe in deeply, “I may not understand everything that you and Saeran went through. I may need to learn and study hard, but I know one thing, whether you’re Saeran or Ray, you are my brother and I love you forever. I would never send you away. I’m just so happy that you’re both safe.”

Now, in my Secret Ending story, that’s a different circumstance because Ray and Suit Saeran (He is called Grave here) wake up after Saeran has started therapy and he’s not coping well. They come out of dormancy and Ray is the first one to wake up. He realizes that Saeran needs help to maintain his life, despite the fact he woke up in a world that doesn’t know him. He’s been erased from life.

When he starts to interact with everyone, he’s wary of Saeyoung and tries to avoid him mostly. He isn’t sure if he can trust him, he doesn’t know anyone in the bunker. But, Saeyoung reaches out a hand and quietly tries to do the right thing by Ray and start learning for him. Saeyoung makes mistakes but he tries his best for Ray.

Grave, on the other hand, lashes out because Saeran is repressing his anger and upsetting himself more. He blames Saeyoung and tries to hurt him, but Saeyoung stops him and is able to talk him through his crisis as he realizes that his anger is going to mend or fix his fears. In a similar fashion to when SE Saeran and Saeyoung fight, this is a process of trial and error as they learn how to co-exist with all this trauma.

In every circumstance where Saeyoung has found out about it, he has tried his damnedest to be a good brother. He may make mistakes, he may assume the wrong things, but he is working so hard to ensure that Ray and Suit Saeran, and SE Saeran or VAE Saeran or VAE Ray feel safe and wanted. Yeah, he’s not sure how this all happened, but that’s his brother through and through.

That’s all he needs to know.

He’s more angry at their mother than he’s ever been in his entire life and that is saying something. But, that’s something that he needs to process. You don’t need to worry about Saeyoung in this circumstance. He’s always going to do what he can to understand his brother, and he’s always to make sure that every single member of the system feels cherished.

That’s his job as a big brother.

#mod kait #mystic messenger #mysme #saeran choi #anon #ask #choi saeran #saeyoung choi #choi Saeyoung #se saeran #ge saeran #saeray #secret ending #character analysis #masterpost #masterlist

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redeemed-wren · 4 years ago

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What up lads new Philza Lore dropped

Been thinking about this since it's been revealed that c!Phil is immortal, or at least centuries old. I like analysing things, and my brain has been chugging away analysing c!Phil since this new revelation and I finally found time to sit down and get my thoughts out.

Unless specified, I'll be talking about the character Philza from now on! Let's get into it. Putting a cut in because it gets long. Also most of this is gonna be from memory because it's getting late and I'm not digging through 4+ months of vods!

remind me to never use the new Beta posting layout it gave me a word limit and then yeeted like 800 words i hate it here lets see if i can remember what I wrote

I’ve moved a lot in my life. I think on average about one new city every four years. This has meant a lot of goodbyes, a lot of meeting new people and breaking into new circles. When this new information was revealed, I instantly felt things click - I could relate to Phil suddenly.

Being centuries-old would create similar emotions, I think. Constantly being around people you know you will outlive, constantly finding yourself in new circles and groups. It takes a toll.

Being centuries old effects how Phil views relationships, people and countries.

Because I’ve moved a lot, I’ve noticed that I’m starting to get the attitude of ‘I can’t be bothered.’ I can’t be bothered going out of my way to meet new people, to make new friends I’m likely to move away from in a few years.

I’d imagine Phil would feel much the same way. Making close connections to people is impossible for him, really. He knows he’s going to outlive those around him and so the effort to put into growing relationships seems pointless.

I think this is most seen in his and Wilbur’s relationship. Wilbur clearly wants his attention - his pride - and clearly hasn’t gotten it to the extent he wants. (“I wonder if Phil would be proud of me” comes to mind. Plus I’m sure there’s something there with his relationship with Fundy and that cycle of bad parenting. And yes, it likely contributed to his spiral into madness, but this post is about Phil, not Wilbur.) But from Phil’s perspective, he knows Wilbur isn’t going to live as long as he is.

It explains why he’s so quick to kill Wilbur as well. Wilbur is too far gone, and Phil makes the decision to kill him before he does more harm. He’s long ago accepted the fact that his son will die before him, and so he is able to kill him.

Likewise, his relationship with Tommy reflects this. He doesn’t reach out to Tommy because there’s no point in making a new bond with someone who he will outlive. (especially with Wilbur’s death so fresh). However, he does make it clear that if Tommy reached out to him, he would have answered - more on that later.

His age also means he’s always looking at the big picture. He’s likely seen countless countries and empires and kingdoms rise and fall and he knows that they’re all temporary. He doesn’t see the importance in them like those who live and die within the lifespan of a nation.

He doesn’t see the small details. He doesn’t understand why Ghostbur is so upset about a simple sheep’s death - one with unlimited lives as well. In his mind, it’s just an animal. In Ghostbur’s mind, Friend is a friend, an important small thing. Phil is so used to moving on from things, he doesn’t understand the importance of pets and nations and a home.

This is all temporary in his mind, and lives are more important to him than a country. L’manberg was corrupting people (Tubbo, quite possible Wilbur in his mind) and thus it didn’t serve its purpose and needed to go before it hurt more people. (plus I wonder if there were some underlying anger and frustration towards L’manberg for the loss of his wings. It’s basically canon now (everyone say thank you Sadist!) that Phil’s wings were damaged during the explosion, and I would imagine for someone so old, losing limbs like wings and being grounded would be a shock and some of that may have been projected onto L’manberg)

(I also want to talk briefly about his and Techno’s relationship. While we haven’t had any canon confirmation, I don’t think Techno is fully mortal and it makes sense for Phil to gravitate towards other ancient beings. Plus my friend pointed out another theory in that Phil could be a patron of some kind for Techno, something Blood God related, I don’t know we need more information Techno please give us character lore I beg of you)

OKAY! I rewrote what I already had sometimes I hate Tumblr anyway onward let’s write this out before I pass out I’m tired.

Phil is willing to create relationships - but on his terms.

I said Phil is distant and hesitate to create bonds with people but this isn’t necessarily true. I want to point out Fundy and Ranboo and talk about his interactions with them and then talk about Tommy.

At the start of season two, Fundy, Ghostbur and Phil were really driving the lore. Phil seemed to be trying to bond with Fundy, and I think a lot of that likely had to do with guilt from what happened to Wilbur but there’s something deeper to it. He makes an effort to be there for Fundy and to help him.

Likewise, he went out of his way to save Ranboo from lava (though the overlap for in character and ooc is large there, I think it still applies), and brought him home after Doomsday, saving him from his own mind.

Phil seems himself as a benevolent being. He sees himself as right, and part of that is being there for his grandson, or helping out a hybrid in trouble.

However, it’s important to note - this is on his terms. He’s lived so long, he doesn’t want to put energy into relationships that won’t give him back something. For Fundy, I think a lot of it was making up for what happened with Wilbur and family responsibility, but he enjoyed spending time with Fundy (it’s been a while I need to rewatch some of those vods I think).

With Ranboo, again I feel like there’s a small part in fulfilling some need of Phil’s to feel like he’s being ‘good’ and plucking this kid out of a warzone makes him feel good. But at the same time, Ranboo is polite, quiet, generous - the perfect kind of person to put energy into building a relationship with. Plus, I would not be surprised if Ranboo reminds him of Techno.

If a relationship takes too much, or isn’t worth it - Phil drops it and doesn’t bother trying to fix what is broken. Why would he? He’s just going to outlive whatever the problem is. He lived in L’manberg, but he was never a part of it. He dismissed Tubbo so quickly when he saw Tubbo was being corrupted by his power and position. He didn’t follow up on Fundy or check that he was okay or make any effort to reach out to him when things started to go down.

And that brings us to Tommy. We’re all upset at how Phil reacted to Tommy’s exile and the following, but I think it makes so much sense. Like I said before, he doesn’t put the effort into reaching out to Tommy, but he would have gone to the Beach Party if Tommy had reached out to him. He was happy to see Tommy at Techno’s place, he was willing to create that relationship and bond.

But from Phil’s pov, Tommy was thrown aside by his home, found shelter with Techno, and then betrayed Techno by siding with the people who threw him aside. (and Techno is loyal to the few he trusts, so a betrayal like that will hit hard and Phil can see that). It makes sense that Phil decides that isn’t a relationship he wants to put energy into fixing.

(Also to clarify, I’m not saying Tommy was wrong to side with L’manberg and Tubbo, or that Techno was right in lashing out like he did. I’m just saying it’s a complex issue, and seeing all sides of it is important - they were both betrayed that day).

Living so long means Phil only cares to put effort and energy into relationships that benefit him, in whatever way. If someone is too difficult or needs too much effort, then in Phil’s mind there’s no reason to pursue that relationship.

Being so old makes Phil overly confident in himself.

Philza is always in the right. Full stop. End of story.

He’s lived so long and has so much more experience than anyone else that he thinks he is in the right all the time. His fatal flaw is his pride and - much like Techno - he refuses to see anything from anyone else’s point of view.

He saw L’manberg’s corruption, saw that it as a nation was hurting people and made the decision that it was doing more hurt than good so of course he joined Techno and Dream in destroying it.

He sees the big picture and so of course Friend’s death doesn’t matter, Friend was just an animal. Ghostbur is too naive and foolish to understand that now.

Unless he learns to listen and see someone else’s point of view - which will be very hard, because he’s so old and connecting with people is hard for him - he’s going to continue to think he’s always in the right.

Conclusion

There’s a few things I want to see/think might happen with Phil’s character, one more likely than the other.

First off - Karl.

If anyone knows how to look at the big picture, if anyone knows how insignificant the simple things are and how pointless it can be sometimes it’s the server’s resident time traveller. But where Karl differs from Phil is that he cares.

Karl goes out of his way to help, risks his memory and sanity to make things better for his friends. Pours time and effort and energy into relationships that may be onesided or temporary - heck, have you seen how much effort he goes to to be liked by everyone? Sometimes too much.

I’d love to see some Karl and Phil interaction. Maybe in a Tales episode (young Phil? Backstory? Maybe?) or even in regular canon. It’s unlikely probably, but I think it could be an interesting discussion. Someone write a fic.

Secondly - death.

CC!Phil has made it no secret that his character is probably going to die at some point (if only for ghost WINGSSSS). Honestly? I think it could be a great direction to take the character.

If Phil could find something worth dying for, could find the joys in the small things, could focus on the little details enough to realize - ‘oh. This does matter’ I honestly think that would be cool. A sacrificial death, maybe even for something as ‘insignificant’ as a pet (although pets can be important on this server). I’m not sure, but I think making peace with death would be a great way to take an immortal character’s arc.

There’s more I could talk about - for instance, I haven’t even mentioned the ‘not as painful as what I inflicted on their enemies’ comment and Phil’s whole ‘angel of death’ vibe, or the fact that he’s always only had one life. But it’s getting late and I’ve been writing this for like an hour and a half and I’m really tired. Feel free to add on!

#dream smp #dsmp #mcyt #philza #philza minecraft #this was fun #please reblog i put a lot of effort into this and i'd love people to see it!#let me know what you think ^-^#i'm going to have to find some songs and write something at some point probably #anyway sleep time #this is nearly 2000 words guys #im putting my highschool english essay skills to very good use

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seven-oomen · 4 years ago

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If You Are Going Through Hell, Keep Going

These are the words that Marin Morrell – Druid, Emissary, Guidance Counselor – says to Stiles Stilinski in “Battlefield�� (02x11) And I think they suit his character just perfectly, because Stiles has been going through Hell all his life.

The Teen Wolf Fandom don’t talk nearly enough about Stiles’ traumas, so I’ll try my best to do it myself *I won’t even remotely touch on the Void Stiles, Dark Stiles, Donovan and the Nogitsune trauma though, because it’s extremely complex and deserves its own Meta*

It’s Canon that Noah was an alcoholic (as Rafael pointed out to Stiles in 03x11 Alpha Pact), that he neglected and lashed out at his own child (Stiles’ memory in 02x09 Party Guessed), and that Stiles was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by his mentally ill mother, Claudia, throughout his childhood (there’s a whole magnificently acted, heart wrenching scene about it with flashbacks and all in 05x06 Required Reading.) It’s Canon that Stiles had to take care of himself and of his father before AND after Claudia’s death. And it’s Canon that Stiles – who was only an eight years old child at the time – was at the hospital with his mother when she died, nobody else:

[Teen Wolf Season 3 Episode 11, Alpha Pact]

CHRIS: You knew… I remember meeting you once, before you were Sheriff. You questioned me about a body. You knew something was up. You just weren’t ready to believe it.

NOAH: You’re right. There was a night eight years ago… the night my wife died. I was at the end of a shift, and a call came in. There had been a pile-up, and a young woman… she was a teenager, actually. She was trapped under an overturned car. We had to wait for the paramedics. We were never getting her out, but I was able to hold her hand. She knew she was gonna die. But I just kept telling her “No, no, listen. The paramedics are on their way.” And then I remember her hand suddenly gripped mine so tightly that I literally thought she was gonna break the bones. And she looked me in the eyes, and she said “If you wanna be with her, go now.” And I knew she was talking about my wife… But then that other part of my brain — the part that looks for clues, for fingerprints, for logical connections… that part told me that there is no way that this girl could possibly know about Claudia. And so I stayed. I stayed until the paramedics pulled her out. Until her heart stopped beating and they declared her dead.

NOAH: When I finally got to the hospital, I saw Stiles sitting in the waiting room with his head in his hands… He was with Claudia when she died.

NOAH: But I wasn’t. I wasn’t with her because I didn’t believe… I just did not believe.

It’s also Canon that Derek Hale is a rape victim and that the hunters slaughtered Derek, Cora and Peter’s entire pack/family (including humans and children.) And it’s Canon that Stiles immediately sides with the Hales and openly confronts Chris about what Kate had done to the Hales in 01x12, Code Breaker:

CHRIS: Let me ask you a question, Stiles. Have you ever seen a rabid dog?

STILES: No. I could put it on my to-do list, if you just let me go.

CHRIS: Well, I have. And the only thing I’ve ever been able to compare it to is seeing a friend of mine turn on a full moon. Do you wanna know what happened?

STILES: Not really. No offense to your storytelling skills.

CHRIS: He tried to kill me, and I was forced to put a bullet in his head. The whole while that he lay there dying, he was still trying to claw his way toward me, still trying to kill me, like it was the most important thing he could do with his last breath. Can you imagine that?

STILES: No. And it sounds like you need to be a little bit more select—

CHRIS: Did Scott try to kill you on the full moon? Did you have to lock him up?

STILES: Yeah, I did. I had to handcuff him to a radiator. Why? Would you prefer I locked him in the basement and burned the whole house down around him?

CHRIS: I hate to dispel a popular rumor, Stiles, but we never did that.

STILES: Oh, right. Derek said you guys had a code. I guess no one ever breaks it.

CHRIS: Never!

STILES: What if someone does?

CHRIS: Someone like who?

STILES: Your sister.

Unlike self-proclaimed hero and ruler of Beacon Hills Scott McCall, who immediately sides with the Argents and tells Derek Hale that his family deserved to be burnt alive by the hunters in front of his comatose uncle………..

-----

I feel like there is a lot to unpack on Stiles’s trauma. And I will go over these moments one by one, why they’re damaging, what I think the context of the scene is supposed to represent ft how people might take it. And what my personal thoughts are regarding Stiles’s trauma.

First of, I would like to say that the following words are my take on this. I am a 29 year old trans man of caucasian descend who is an domestic violence and abuse survivor. I am diagnosed with ADHD since 12 and diagnosed with CPTSD since this year. I understand trauma and I understand what it does to people. But I am not a professional. I am a fan, who’s responding to the submission of another, anonymous, fan.

You are completely free to have your own takes on this matter and your own headcanons. That’s what fandom is for.

That said, I would love to have a discussion if you can have it peacefully.

Stiles is a character who was (Unwillingly) neglected, emotionally traumatized and both emotionally and verbally abused by both of his parents. There is even evidence of physical abuse by his mother.

I think it does need to be said, that neither of his parents intended for this to happen. What happened in the Stilinski family was by and large a very traumatic event for everyone involved.

Noah is an alcoholic, as Stiles also confirms in the episode that Noah never really stopped drinking. His alcoholism is a result of his own traumas and possible ND mind and an unhealthy coping mechanism.

As a result of this, Noah most likely was verbally and emotionally abusive during his drunken tirades.

I personally think that before Claudia was diagnosed and got sick Stiles had a good childhood. His parents tried their best to be good parents for him and laid a good foundation for him. This is evidenced in the bond Stiles seems to have with his father in general. He’s not afraid of his father, he’s nervous about consequences. But he never gives off a vibe to me that truly says; I fear this man and I have to stay in line to stay alive.

Unlike Isaac and his father.

This also tells me, that unlike Elias Stilinski, Noah never lashed out physically at Stiles. He was trying to break a cycle of abuse but more than likely still fell victim to it himself when he could no longer cope with trauma and his neurodivergency and started drinking.

That doesn’t mean that he’s not guilty of abusing his own son. We know Noah can be neglectful and dismissive towards Stiles (even though he tries his best not to be) and has a tendency to low key insult Stiles from time to time. Whether or not he truly means to or not is up for debate, I personally think he doesn’t mean to do it, but Stiles is clearly heartbroken every time Noah accidentally lashes out.

As evidenced by sentences: “I’ve never believed a word he said since he was born.” “Thank you, son I should have had.” (To Scott)

Stiles already has a deep founded fear that he’s not enough, that he killed his own mother, that he’s not believed by the people around him, and that people don’t want to take him seriously.

This is clear in every interaction he has with the people around him.

Which also brings me to what happened in 2x09. Now based on the context clues of that scene, I actually don’t believe Stiles saw a play-by-play memory. But rather, Stiles saw his greatest fear play out in a hallucination.

Why do I believe that?

Because in the same scene, Allison has a hallucination about becoming her own worst nightmare (a huntress like Kate) and Scott sees a hallucination of Allison and Jackson making out. (Aka, losing Allison.)

I think the scene both has fabrications and truths in it. The truth is that more than likely, Stiles saw his father getting drunk at his mother’s funeral and lashing out at people around him in his drunken stupor. (Which on one hand, one can understand if you take the pain and trauma into account, but it’s not a healthy or an okay thing to do, obviously. This is definitely where Noah fell apart.)

I also like to think one of the other adults put a stop to Noah’s behavior before he could get out of hand. But we never really see her funeral play out, so that is speculation.

The fabrication is the scene that follows. We know that Claudia was the one that actually said the words to Stiles. “You’re killing me, he’s killing me.”

And that Noah was the voice of reason in that scene. “No, he’s not. You’re sick, let’s go back inside.” (Or something along those lines. I can’t remember the exact words.)

What I think is more than likely is that Stiles’s greatest fear is that his father actually believes he killed his mother. As that is what his mother said to him before she died. And so that’s what he hallucinated under the influence of the wolfsbane.

Stiles’s greatest fear is losing both of his parents, no matter in what way that is. He also fears that he failed as a son, and failed to take care of his father. All of this is fueled by losing his mother and watching her die at a very young age.

And that is where Stiles’s trauma truly lies. He watched his mother die (at the age of 10) slowly while she lost her mind to a terrible illness.

His father couldn’t handle losing his wife and not being able to help her and the previous traumas he endured in his own childhood. And Stiles had to step up to take care of him. That changes a child and leaves a mark. A mark that Stiles can’t shake.

We know Noah neglected Stiles by not being able to care for him as he should have, we know Noah tends to think Stiles has wild conspiracy theories and tends not to believe him.

Which traumatized Stiles even though Noah didn’t intend for that to happen. That doesn’t mean that Stiles’s trauma isn’t real though. It’s very real. This is also the reason why he immediately chooses Derek’s side in 1x12.

For Stiles, not being believed is a daily reality and he doesn’t want anyone else to go through that as well. Which is why he chooses Derek’s side. Because Stiles, due to his own trauma, is hard-wired to believe the victim and tends to defend them.

Now I think a lot of people take a lot of Stiles’s scenes literal because they identify with what’s happening on screen. Because Stiles isn’t being believed by the other characters, the audience tends to take his perspective at face value. Even in situations where it’s made clear that Stiles, like other characters, is hallucinating at the time.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I do think it’s something to consider.

Tagging a few people who might want to add a thought or two to this.

@mostly-vo1d @artemisa97 @msmischief101

#stiles stilinski #teen wolf #teen wolf meta #trauma #ptsd discussion #submission

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kittyprincessofcats · 4 years ago

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RWBY Volume 6

So, I pretty much binge-watched this one in a few days because I really needed to know how things go on after Volume 5 and it was just so good! Lots of messy thoughts to come!

[There will be spoilers for RWBY up to Volume 6 in this post (duh). Please don’t leave any spoilers for anything after Volume 6 on this post, or I will block you.]

Thoughts under the cut because this ended up getting a little long.

- The character short for Adam was really cool! It was cool to see how the White Fang began, to see Sienna, Ghira, Ilia and Adam in action, to see the irony of Sienna being a mentor to Adam and encouraging his ways when you know he’ll end up killing her, and to see a glimpse into Adam and Blake’s past relationship (and how the stuff he said to her was textbook emotional abuse). However, I do have one criticism, and it’s something that really bothers me: There’s a continuity mistake with Ilia’s age. Let’s think about this: Ilia was always implied to be the same age (or around the same age) as Blake. In the part of this short where Ghira was still leader of the White Fang, Ilia appears and doesn’t look younger than in canon. But we know Ghira stepped down at least a few years ago. If Blake is meant to be a teenager in volume 1… there’s just no way Ilia could have been there and already been an adult. She’s supposed to have still been a kid when Ghira was leader, unless she’s at least a few years older than Blake – which I don’t think she’s meant to be? Yeah sorry, this kind of stuff just bothers me. I get that timelines can be hard to keep track off, but that was a really obvious mistake and it ruins my immersion a bit.

- I loved the whole opening fight on the train and just seeing team RWBY fighting together again.

- I’ve got to say, I do feel bad for Weiss: After everything she went through to leave Atlas, she now suddenly has to go back there. I mean, that must suck.

- I’m a bit sad they just but Ilia on a bus, but I get that her main conflict is pretty much over and they had to go back to focusing on the main characters’ quest. I still wish we’d have at least gotten a scene of her interacting with the other members of team RWBY, though.

- I really liked Ilia and Blake’s goodbye at the train station, though. (And the whole “wrong tree” moment with Neptune really made me laugh 😂)

- Also just wanted to say I love Ilia’s new outfit (and the fact that she has spots on her belly – this is really important information, okay?)

- There’s a certain irony in the Faunus becoming more accepted because they STOPPED Adam’s attack on Haven.

- I think Jinn and the whole concept of how asking her questions works is super cool.

- I totally get why everyone’s pissed at Ozpin both before, during and after Jinn revealed his and Salem’s backstory. He has been hiding an awful lot from everyone, even after promising not to anymore, and he actively tried to stop the team from finding out the truth. Plus, the whole fact that he doesn’t have a plan for defeating Salem and is potentially risking everyone’s lives for nothing. (That said, can they not take it out on poor Oscar, please? None of this is his fault.)

- Oscar fighting Ozpin from within and telling them how to summon Jinn was a really badass scene. And I feel super bad for Oscar overall. Not only is he kind of at war with someone who lives in his brain now, but he also just found out that he’ll eventually only become a part of Ozma. And on top of that, people are punching and blaming him for stuff that’s not his fault. That’s super harsh.

- I’m kind of glad Cinder’s alive, because as I said, I was hoping they’d develop her more and make her a more interesting villain… but I don’t feel like this volume did that. Right now, she’s still pretty superficial, unfortunately.

- And now, time to get into one of the highlights of this volume for me: Salem’s backstory! Because holy shit, that was one hell of a backstory! When I said back in my post about volume 5 that I hope Cinder’s alive because I would like to see them make her a more interesting villain, I didn’t expect them to do just that, but for Salem. I love villains that are interesting, but I didn’t expect Salem, the literal big bad of the show, to be the interesting one here! I am pleasantly surprised by this, though! (And just to be clear, because some people love to misunderstand this: When I say “interesting”, I don’t mean “She has a sad backstory, this excuses everything she’s doing”, I mean “She has a sad backstory, this makes her more compelling as a villain”.)

- So, about that backstory: Do we all agree that the gods are major jerks, or what? I mean, initially not bringing Ozma back to life was fair, death is a part of life, they can’t upset the balance, I get that – but making him repeatedly disintegrate in Salem’s arms after she just thought she’d gotten him back? And then making her immortal just to make sure she couldn’t be with him? And then killing ALL of humanity just because of the actions of a few? But still not letting Salem die? And then bringing Ozma back after all (because now it suddenly doesn’t ‘disrupt the balance’ or what?) and kind of tricking him into that whole relics task because he wanted to be with Salem? The god are jerks, I rest my case - and I’m not sure if bringing them back is a good idea.

- Also… I get that she’s like… evil and all… but am I the only one who thought Salem got way sexier after jumping into the pools of grimm? Is that just me? Because damn… I’m kinda into that version of her. (Come on, she’s a sexy goth witch and I’m a simple lesbian, what do you expect?)

- So yeah… in an unexpected turn of events, Salem might be one of my favourite characters now? Oops? (*insert obligatory ‘this does not mean I condone her actions in any way’ disclaimer here*)

- I feel super bad for Salem and Ozma’s kids, though. I hate kids getting hurt in media in general. (I imagine the grief over them stayed with Ozma forever. And I like the theory that he gave the original four maidens their powers because they reminded him of his daughters. In general, I don’t consider him to be the bad guy in this backstory at any point. His only mistake is not being honest with the people who are helping and protecting him in the present.)

- I am now convinced that this entire show has to end with Salem and Ozma dying. That’s the only way all of this can end. Salem will have to either be killed somehow or learn the lesson the gods tried to teach her and die. Ozma will have to fulfill his task and die as well – either through Oscar dying with him (😢), through only Ozma dying but Oscar getting to live without him, or through the reincarnation cycle ending and Ozma/Ozpin recognizing that Oscar is going to be his last life. Something like that would be my prediction.

- Speaking of interesting villains: This volume also did a great job with Emerald and Mercury! With those two, I’m actually hoping for a redemption now. (And Hazel is a great guy as well. The fact that he was willing to take the blame for their failure at Haven to protect Emerald and Mercury is something I really respect.)

- I also I want to say I find Tyrion super entertaining.

- It was great to see Neo again! (I’ve gotten so used to Chibi!Neo it was almost weird to see regular Neo again.) Her fight with Cinder was EPIC.

- (I basically feel like this volume did a great job on all villains except for Cinder. But hey, maybe that’ll still happen.)

- This was an interesting volume for Qrow. On the one hand, I get why hearing Oz’s backstory drove him into a sort-of depression and made his drinking habit worse and I feel bad for him, but from the point-of-view of Ruby and the others, it must have also been super frustrating that the one proper adult in the group couldn’t keep it together and everyone else had to keep doing the hard work.

- Maria is a super cool and epic character! I really hope she sticks around with the team for Volume 7 because she’s amazing and I love her. She was super badass in her backstory (that moment where she lost her eyes was painful just to watch), I love the fact that she was Qrow’s hero growing up (and that he based his weapon on hers!), that we finally met another character who has (well, had) silver eyes, and that she’s that funny, cranky, but also wise old lady now who mentors Ruby and is just super funny all around. Good stuff, I hope we see more of her!

- The Apathy are the creepiest grim yet. The whole concept of them draining you of your will to live without you even noticing is just SO scary – I love it, but I’m also low-key terrified. The crew’s trip to that farm estate could have easily gone very wrong. Pretty much nothing but Ruby’s silver eyes even worked on them. I like how those episodes set the whole thing up – Team RWBY having emotional conversations while they were in the house, everyone having doubts (which makes sense at that point in the story, so you don’t really question it at first), and then the sneaking realization of what’s going on. Also, the guy who sealed in those Apathy grim in in the first place was just so dumb. How could you think that was a good idea? Good job getting everyone killed, dude.

- I’m glad this volume gave us more on Ruby’s silver eyes! I like that she finally got to use them before the season finale (though I loved that joke on RWBY Chibi), and I also like that she first used them to protect Blake. (I don’t ship them as much as Bumbleby, but I feel like Ruby and Blake’s ship/friendship is super underrated.) It was also nice to learn more about how the Silver eyes work in general and how they came to be. (If they came from the god of light, I’m assuming all the people with silver eyes are the descendants of Ozma’s past lives? TV Tropes kind of helped me out here: Apparently if you freeze the picture where you see one of his past lives with his kids, you can see the kids have silver eyes.) People with silver eyes being hunted also comes as no surprise to me, that’s kind of what I was assuming already. (Which raises the question: Just how did Summer Rose die?) Also, interesting fact that they only work on the Grimm...

- That moment where they reunite with JNR in Argus was really sweet. I also loved the design of Argus as a whole.

- I LOVE Saphron, Terra, and their son!!! I love that we got to meet one of Jaune’s sisters, I love that we got some more LGBT+ representation, and their baby is adorable!! (I loved that scene of everyone cooing over the baby. Also, that moment where Ruby realized Jaune and Saphron were siblings. Also, that moment where the baby helped them distract the guards by crying.) Basically, I just love the Cotta-Arcs. (Also, I just want to say that Saphron is super pretty.)

- Cordovin and her two goons are hilarious. I mean, I also hate them because they’re overly patriotic Atlas-people and Cordovin was racist to Blake – but they’re also super freaking hilarious. Every little line of Maria and Cordovin’s beef with each other had my dying with laughter 🤣 (mainly it was Maria’s lines that had me dying with laughter).

- That whole scene with the statue of Pyrrha was such a tearjerker 😢. First the leaf, then the sad music, then Jaune talking to that red-haired lady (I’m guessing she’s either Pyrrha’s mom or sister?), and then Ren and Nora joining and giving Jaune a pep-talk 😭 😭. I think this was a really important moment for Jaune, not just to get closure, but also to stop blaming himself and putting himself down. I’m glad Ren and Nora told him they don’t want to lose him too, and that the red-haired lady said she’s “glad Pyrrha was surrounded by such amazing people”. Gosh, now I’m tearing up again writing this 😭. I miss Pyrrha 😭 😭.

- I love Oscar’s new outfit. It was time for him to finally drop the farm boy look.

- I love how Jaune is so down for crime that his plan is just “They only let Atlas airships though, so we steal an Atlas airship.” I mean, makes sense.

- I think their whole plan to steal the airship was super cool and although I get why things can’t be that easy in shows like this (and I love that we got the showdown with Adam), I still kind of wish it had worked just because it was a really cool plan and everyone had their part to play in it. Heck, even the baby got to help (and it was awesome)! But yeah, Adam just had to ruin everything, nothing new there.

- So, about Adam: First of all, he’s a major creep for victim-blaming Blake (again) and stalking her. I like how creepy his behaviour is from a story-telling perspective (and from an angst-loving “I like seeing my faves suffer” perspective), but his story was getting a little old, so I’m not too sad they killed him off now. It was a good point in the story to do it. (That said, holy shit is he a creep! “I wouldn’t have to be doing this if you just behaved”? Wow. I get that he’s meant to be abusive and controlling; that’s the point of his character (and like I said, I’m here for the angst), but… yikes, poor Blake.)

- And then we had Blake and Yang’s rematch with Adam. EPIC STUFF. First of all, I like that Blake was able to hold her own against him for a bit (and same for Yang later). I also love the whole dramatic setting by the waterfall and the fact that Blake lost her coat (this is important, okay? it symbolizes vulnerability – and also it just looks cool), the scar on Blake’s belly (from their fight at Beacon, right?), the face reveal of Adam – I just love how all of this was set up in such an epic, dramatic way. But the most epic moment, at least from the start of the fight, has got to be Yang just jumping down there with her motorcycle hitting Adam and that amazing music. I’ve said before that Yang is just too cool for words and I will stand by that. The fight itself was epic too, though I was so stressed the whole time I couldn’t completely pay attention. Blake and Yang fighting Adam together was definitely the best part, though. And I loved the irony of Yang’s metal arm saving her. In general, I like that Yang and Blake got to fight and defeat (and kill) Adam together because he’s been a demon for both of them, and I like that they clarified they’re doing it as equal partners. “We’re protecting each other” was a nice callback to earlier when Blake tried to reassure Yang she’d protect her, and to even earlier when Yang was protecting Blake at Beacon.

- Let’s talk about my other highlight of the volume: Bumbleby! Because sorry not sorry, there’s no way you can deny their romantic subtext anymore at this point. Early in the volume, there’s the conflict of things being weird between them, and Blake not knowing how to deal with her guilt and thinking she needs to protect Yang (and do stuff like getting her bag down for her) – while Yang feels insulted by this and thinks that Blake sees her as being incapable of doing anything now that she lost an arm. Then, when Blake first leaves to disable the comms, they give each other those really sweet, loving looks. And of course, it all leads up to them confronting their nightmare together, holding hands, and declaring that they’re protecting each other. Add Adam’s jealousy to that (He was making comparisons between himself and Yang and asking “What does she even see in you?” – that’s not a sentence you just say to your ex’s friend) and you’d have to be willfully ignorant to not see the subtext. And those soft moments after the fight just killed me: Blake breaking down crying, Yang immediately running to hug and comfort her, Blake’s promise not to leave, Yang reassuring her and wiping away her tears – I LOVE hurt/comfort stuff and I’m so soft for these two! They love each other so much!

(Pretty much the only downside of all this is that a few major parts were spoiled for me in advance. Look, it’s pretty impossible to follow lots of blogs that post wlw ships and not see that picture of Bumbleby holding hands, or the one of them hugging (or the one of them killing Adam) at some point. So yeah… I’d seen all three of those pictures before and knew this would happen. But it was still really nice to see it all come together and see how we got there!)

- The fight against Cordovin and her giant mecha was also pretty cool! It reminded me a bit of the Legend of Korra finale. Ruby going inside the arm canon was an especially epic moment. And I also liked that small moment when they were flying on the Queen Lancer and Ruby had her arms around Weiss’ waist (a bit of White Rose, yay!).

- I like that moment when the Grimm attack and the team first realizes they just destroyed the only thing capable of stopping them – but to be honest, that was mostly Cordovin’s fault. She brought out that mecha for something it wasn’t meant for and started the fight that attracted the Grimm in the first place. Also, how exactly did she think the people of Atlas would take it if she had actually hurt Weiss? So yeah, most of that mess was on her, tbh. I’m glad she at least came though to help in the end, though.

- Back to Bumbleby: Honestly, the strongest romantic undertones weren’t even in the fight with Adam or directly afterwards for me, but in the last episode when they’re all on the ship together. So, Blake is blaming herself for the plan going wrong, and Yang has an arm around, her, still half holding her and reassuring her. And then – and this one really gets me – Ruby hugs Blake and gives Yang that knowing look over her shoulder while Yang suddenly looks away shyly. They’re communicating without words and Ruby totally knows what’s up. She’s basically saying “So you and Blake, huh?” and suddenly Yang – YANG – is feeling shy. This isn’t subtle. And then later Bumbleby hold hands again and look at each other like that… they’re in love, I don’t make the rules.

- And finally, we of course have Ruby’s epic silver-eyed moment in the finale, which was AMAZING. I loved all the flashbacks and how they’re drawn pictures and not just stills from the episodes, I love how the memories of her friends motivate her, I love how much of Penny there was in there (bit of Nuts and Dolts, yay!), I loved seeing adorable little!Yang, and of course the first look at Summer Rose! (I still want a Team STRQ backstory episode at some point.) Also, the music during that scene was so good!

Gosh, now I’ve talked for way too long again, but there was just so much to say about this volume! Long story short: Loved it, can’t wait to continue! (I know exactly 1 major spoiler for volume 7 because it was unavoidable on social media, but that’s it. And it’s a spoiler I really didn’t mind knowing, so…)

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mistergrass · 4 years ago

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a dump of podcast thoughts/recs

I have been listening to a whole lot of podcasts in the last month, and so I thought I’d just lay out what I’ve listened to so far and my general thoughts (but I’m not gonna tag any of them because I might get too honest - which means REALLY no one is gonna care about this lmao)

I would also love some recs for both fiction and non-fiction if anyone’s got any!

Fiction:

The Magnus Archives - This is, unsurprisingly, my top top recommendation for podcasts. The story being told is so intricate and well thought-out. I love pieces of media where I can turn my brain off and trust that the creators know exactly what they’re doing. And I love anything that knows its intent from episode 1. I think I could go on for ages praising this podcast, but tldr;

HIGHLY RECOMMEND

The Penumbra Podcast (Junoverse) - I am not a fan of high fantasy, which is the main reason I haven’t listened to Second Citadel (other than the one-off eps in s1), so I’ll just focus on the Juno Steel stories. But I listened to this after catching up with TMA because so many people seemed to recommend it. Because of that, I think I might have gone into it with slightly higher-than-necessary expectations....

Here are things I like about it: the environment is well sound-scaped (especially in later eps), the universe is really cool and fun to learn about, and the romantic subplot between Juno and Peter really is a great time.

That being said, I can get a little frustrated with the writing at times. Story beats are sometimes paced oddly, and at other times the narration can over-explain what’s going on -- especially wrt character emotions. S2 I think is the biggest culprit of this “tell don’t show” method, and it can expand to hurt the individual mysteries and the set-up of the metaplot, too. Overall, S2 was a real dredge to get through. (But credit where credit is due, Juno Steel and The Monster’s Reflection were incredibly crafted episodes of that season).

But it was worth it to me for S3, which is a fun vibe and shifts from focusing on individual mysteries to character explorations in a found-family dynamic. The real strength of this podcast are the unique and engaging characters and their dynamics (which is why when Juno isolates himself in S2, it gets kind of dull). It’s not perfect, but it’s definitely been a very entertaining season.

Uhhhh, kind of recommend? Maybe only if you’re really into the noir/sci-fi/detective genre.

Death by Dying - The worst thing about this podcast is that there’s only five episodes. Oh my GOD what a gem of a show. The deadpan, absurdist humor in this show is so insanely up my alley and so well-written. But one thing I love about this podcast is that even in five episodes with a format that is mostly obituary-of-the-week, the emotional arcs of the characters are really well-maintained. Charolette, in particular, is a tragic character to follow through the MC’s eyes, but in a way that makes total sense considering the situation. This show is so clever, so fun, and finds ways to be really poignant at times, too.

HIGHLY RECOMMEND

Two Princes - I know I said I don’t like high fantasy, but I’m also gay and sometimes that just beats out. Who doesn’t like a light, fluffy story about two princes falling in love in some perilous magic forest? It’s a gas. Also, it’s just really well-produced and an easy listen. You very much get what’s on the tin, and that tin is some high-quality and very tasty cheese.

RECOMMEND

Limetown - God, I’m so upset about this one.

The first season is a masterpiece. WONDERFULLY produced, beautifully sound-scaped, insanely intriguing and engaging, along with a wonderful MC who is far from perfect in her endeavor for forbidden knowledge. I don’t think I can recommend it enough.

The second season... is fine! You still want to know what’s going on, so it’s easy to keep listening. But, tbh, it takes a bit of an odd turn. I don’t want to spoil it too much, but I would’ve been okay with the shift in direction if it was leading somewhere satisfying. But the S2 finale is... well. Choices were made, I guess. I’ll just say that I was really cheated out of an emotional pay-off.

If there was a promise of a 3rd season that would explain these things in more depth, I might let it off. But it looks like the production team is shifting its focus to the TV series being made out of this. I might watch it -- but I am worried now that they won’t know how to land the plane no matter how smooth the take-off is.

Despite everything, RECOMMEND

Archive 81 - (I have only finished through S2)

My feelings on this show is that I do not have the auditory processing skills required to keep up, lmao. But I don’t think I can really hold that against this podcast. This show doesn’t hold the audience’s hands, which is something I actually really like (even if I do get lost sometimes in what’s happening, lmao). This is obviously another case of the creators knowing EXACTLY where they’re going in the story, too. I also don’t think I’ve heard any other podcast with sound-scaping at this level. The biggest themes of this show are sound and ritual, and itreally follows through on that wrt how the sound is edited. The vibe of it is so mysterious and unique, it does such a good job of making you feel like you’re in a totally different world.

RECOMMEND

Wooden Overcoats - (I have only finished through S1)

This show definitely has a Fawlty Towers feel to it, and the humor is very fast-paced and British in that very specific UK-sitcom way. Because of that the humor is very dry, but definitely fun to listen to. And the characters are a real hysterical bunch.

My biggest critique, however, is that sometimes the episodes end in a way that feels like a big bummer. British sitcoms of this nature usually hinge upon an incompetent/anti-hero MC who tends to deserve the different comical misfortunes that fall upon them. Usually they get up afterwards, having learned nothing, and the cycle continues in a harmless way. But sometimes that vibe doesn’t really hit, and a few episodes will end with these big tonal shifts where the schadenfreude ends up drying out. You sort of just end up feeling bad for everyone involved instead lol. It’s what has me hesitating going into the next season, but I’ll definitely start it up eventually. It’s well produced, and honestly the characters are just too fun to keep away from (Antigone in particular is my favorite).

If you like British sitcoms, I’d recommend. Or if you’re looking for a cynical laugh.

Other podcasts I’ve started are EOS 10, and Dreamboy. I really didn’t like the first episode of Dreamboy, but I’m gonna give it another try since it’s so short. EOS 10 seems well-produced, but not really up my personal alley.

Non-Fiction

I’m not gonna give these ones as long of blurbs, just know I recommend them all highly.

You Must Remember This - Old Hollywood history that is wonderfully researched, and focuses a lot on women of the time. The recounting of these histories feels very honest and she really doesn’t pull any punches when giving detailed and accurate accounts. A truly wonderful show.

Welcome to Your Fantasy - A deep dive on the history of Chippendales that is WILDLY entertaining. I sort of can’t believe I got as sucked in as I did. The host has a wonderful humor about her, but is still great at getting to the heart of some of the heavier issues at hand.

Last Podcast on the Left - My favorite true crime/conspiracy podcast by a long mile. It’s equally hilarious and well-researched. I know a lot of people are kind of anti-true crime lately which is very understandable, but I do appreciate each of the host’s personal philosophies on the matter, which I think comes through in a lot of their episodes.

#I really hope this doesn't end up in any of the tags somehow lmao #I just wanted to vomit my thoughts out a little #and despite anything I say I love all of these creators and am very appreciative for the effort they put into their shows

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softlass27 · 4 years ago

Text

Flufftober Day 2 – Comfort

AO3 link here

Over the years, Aaron has gotten used to sharing a bed with a restless sleeper. Whether it’s sharp kicks to the legs, rough tossing and turning, or nonsensical muttering, he mostly manages to remain unconscious through Robert’s many troublesome nighttime habits.

Except for the sleep paralysis.

Aaron doesn’t know how he always senses it whenever it comes, why he always wakes up just in time to catch it. Maybe it’s good luck, maybe it’s his body instinctively reacting to Robert’s becoming unnaturally rigid next to it, maybe it’s just husband’s intuition. Whatever the reason, he’s bloody glad that he does.

He opens his eyes in the darkness of their bedroom, blindly reaching out to flick on the bedside lamp, and turns to his left. Robert’s entire body is stiff as a board, hands clenched into tight fists at his sides. His laboured breathing and wide-open eyes give away how panicked he is.

“Hey,” Aaron lays a gentle hand on Robert’s shoulder, only getting a small whine in reply. Robert’s lips are tightly sealed shut, so that’s the most he’ll get out of him until this is over. “It’s okay, your brain just need a minute to catch up. You’re alright.”

Another small noise and a few quick blinks. Aaron keeps stroking Robert’s shoulder, sitting up with him while they wait for it to pass. It always does.

The first time Aaron had witnessed Robert’s sleep paralysis firsthand was just a few weeks after they’d gotten together properly. He’d had no idea what the fuck was going on; he'd never even heard of the condition, let alone seen someone experience it.

So when he'd awoken to see Robert lying unnaturally still on his side of the bed, fingers twitching and eyes darting around the room, clearly awake but unable to respond to Aaron’s increasingly confused questions… Aaron had been scared out of his mind. He’d been literally seconds away from ringing for an ambulance, half-convinced his boyfriend was having some kind of stroke, before Robert had snapped out of it and begun moving again, letting out a shuddering breath as he grabbed Aaron’s hand to make him put down the phone.

Despite having been the one who’d actually just experienced the waking nightmare, Robert had ended up being the one needing to calm Aaron down.

“It was just sleep paralysis, I’m fine,” he insisted, running a shaky hand through his hair.

“Sleep… what?”

“Oh, er – okay, it’s kind of hard to explain.”

Robert had described the condition as best he could, mumbling things about the brain and sleep cycles that Aaron couldn’t really follow at 3 o’clock in the morning.

“Sometimes I see or hear things, sometimes I just can’t move for a few minutes or it feels like there’s a weight on my chest. There’s not much I can do about it, it’s mostly just down to stress or being overtired, I think,” he’d eventually finished, offering Aaron a sheepish half-smile. “Suppose I should’ve warned you about it. Sorry if I scared you, I know it’s a bit weird.”

“Don’t be daft… m’just glad you weren’t dying,” Aaron had smiled back tentatively, his heart rate slowly returning to normal as he realised that there wasn't something seriously wrong. “How long’ve you had it?”

“Since I was 14, on and off,” Robert had said quietly, fiddling with the drawstrings of his pyjama bottoms. Aaron knew what event had cast a dark shadow over Robert’s life at that age, and didn’t question him any further.

“It’d mostly faded by the time I reached my twenties but, uh… ” Robert hesitated, pressing his lips together with discomfort. “It’s come back since last autumn.”

Since I got shot.

He didn’t say it, but Aaron had heard the words anyway.

Several years and a couple of weddings later, Aaron no longer panics like he did the first time. He’s done enough online research and witnessed Robert go through it enough times to keep calm. It’s hell to watch, but there isn’t much he can do except remind Robert that he’s there and try to make him feel as safe as he possibly can.

Robert had once told him that the few times Chrissie had woken up while it was happening, she’d scarpered to the spare bedroom and left him to it, too freaked out to stay any longer than she had to. The next time Aaron had seen Robert’s ex-wife in the pub, he’d glared at her so hard she’d ended up nervously moving to sit further away from him.

Staying by his husband’s side feels like the least Aaron can do.

Robert’s eyes suddenly fly towards the corner of the room and he makes a faint noise of distress. His shallow breathing speeds up rapidly, short bursts of air coming from his nostrils. Shit, this must be a bad one.

Aaron darts out of bed to switch the bright ceiling light on, before quickly returning to Robert’s side.

“Oi, look at me,” he cups a hand around Robert’s tightly clenched jaw, forcing his gaze to shift towards him. “Whatever you’re seeing, I promise you it’s not real, it can’t hurt you. There’s nothing there, it’s just you and me.”

Robert makes another pained sound, eyes darting back and forth between Aaron and the corner.

“You’re okay, it’ll be over soon. Just breathe, Rob, I’m right here.”

A few agonising seconds later, Robert twitches, gasps, and his entire body comes to life. He springs up into sitting position, scrambling back until he’s pressed against the headboard, gulping desperately for air.

It’s over.

Aaron wraps an arm across his shoulders and pulls him in, holding him until his breathing eventually slows.

“Not had one that bad in a while.” He presses a kiss to Robert’s head, running gentle fingers up and down his goose-bumped arm. “Wanna talk about it?”

Robert shakes his head against Aaron’s shoulder, sagging down to let him take his weight. “No,” he eventually croaks. “Thought I saw… doesn’t matter, it was just creepy shit.”

“The worst kind of shit,” Aaron tries to get a smile out of him, mentally sighing with relief when he succeeds.

“Sorry I woke you.” He says it every time, and Aaron always says the same thing back with an exasperated shake of his head.

“Don’t be daft, you know I'd rather be up with you. D'you need anything? Tea, glass of water?”

“Can we just stay like this for a bit?”

Aaron pulls the duvet up to cover their shoulders, cocooning them in its warmth. “Course we can.”

#sleep-paralysis is a bitch yo #and with all robert's canon sleeping issues #of course he'd have it #you cannot convince me otherwise #robron #my writing #flufftober2020

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braincoins · 4 years ago

Note

For the Prompt: shallura and ryoumelle, double date, festival

((y’know for someone who claims to prefer Gen, here you are with TWO SHIPS!! ‘course you also know it’ll mean Twinganes fun. I’M ONTO YOU!))

A major victory, and well worth celebrating! The Castle of Lions headed back to Oriande, the safest place in all the universe to have what Lance called “an absolute blowout” of a party, and the Diaspora (under the supervision of Coran and Lance) had put together a hell of a celebratory festival: games, rides, music, tons of food... everyone was having a great time.

So it was strange for Romelle and Ryou to look over and see the Princess and the Black Paladin looking a little... restrained. They looked at them, then looked to each other, and a decision was made in that moment: divide and conquer. But instead of going to her cousin, Romelle grabbed hold of Shiro and hauled him away. Before Allura could protest, Ryou swooped in. The two pairs couldn’t know it, but their conversations started out... oddly identical.

“What are you doing?” This from both Allura and Shiro.

“We need to talk,” Ryou and Romelle declared. Romelle pulled Shiro aside into a quieter location, away from her boyfriend and his girlfriend.

“Is something wrong?” All business, all (possibly-hideous) ears. At least they were listening.

“I should ask you that. Everyone else is having fun!”

“I’m having fun,” came the defensive reply.

“Yeah, you sure look like it,” was the sarcastic response. Ryou wouldn’t have dreamed of being sarcastic to Allura before, but they’d spent some time together and, besides, he figured it would be a surprise, and therefore throw her off her game.

“I am! It’s just...”

“Just what?”

And here the individual chats began to diverge.

“There’s so much more yet to do,” Allura confessed, looking down at her hands. “This was an important victory, yes, but it isn’t the end of the fight. And I can’t help thinking... a-about those who aren’t freed from the Empire yet. They’re out there being oppressed, possibly tortured and killed, and we’re having a party.”

“You okayed having it, right?” Ryou asked her.

“Yes, because it’s good for morale, and the paladins were so insistent, but... well, I just can’t help it.” She fidgeted uncharacteristically, glanced around as if her brief moment of uncertainty was surely the center of attention.

-----------

“We won a battle, not the war,” Shiro said with a sigh. “And, truth be told, I don’t know what our next step is. When this is over, people are going to be looking to us to lead again, and... I don’t know where to lead them to.”

“I bet the Empire is in the same boat,” Romelle pointed out. “They probably don’t know what next strike to make against us, either.”

“That just means that it’ll be a surprise when it comes, and even though the Coalition is huge and the Castle’s almost full now, we’re still a much smaller force compared to the galaxy-spanning Galra Empire. We can’t afford surprises.” He glanced around, to make sure his negative statements hadn’t been overheard.

-----------

“Look, I don’t know how Alteans work,” Ryou admitted, “but for humans, we need down time. Sleep and rest are when our brains take all the information we’ve learned and sort it out, slot it all into its proper places.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but he could guess where she was headed.

“And before you say it, yes, this counts as rest. It’s a break from the stress. When you have something you’re worried about, sometimes you stop trying to find a solution and just tell yourself ‘think, dammit! Think of something!’ And that doesn’t help! But after you step away from it for a bit, sometimes you can come back and see things clearer.”

“What you’re saying,” she summarized, “is that this is better in the long term.”

“Exactly.”

“Even if lives are lost in the meantime?”

He sighed heavily. “Lives are lost every day, Allura. A lot of those are just... just normal deaths. Old age, a sickness, a bad injury. You can’t prevent those. And if you fight every single moment of every single day, you’ll burn yourself out, become an easier target. And then the Galra Empire wins, and wins forever.

“You can’t know who’s dying of what, and you can’t save everyone. But you can make the decision that saves more lives - including yours and Takashi’s.”

“I know.” She was nodding sort of absently. “I know you’re right, but it’s hard sometimes...”

“Hey,” he said, changing tack abruptly to snap her out of it. “stepping back and thinking on it helped get Takashi his first date.”

She whipped around to face him. “REALLY?!” she asked, eyes wide with hopeful expectation at yet another “Younger Shiro” story.

Ryou grinned. Works every time.

-----------

“Well, who says the next step has to be an immediately offensive one?” Romelle asked, with the confidence born of being on the colony’s ruling council. Sure, she was the youngest member, but she’d still been helping to lead her people for the last few years.

“What do you mean?”

“Training!” she declared. “Split the paladins up into groups. Let Keith teach hand-to-hand fighting, have Lance run sniper drills, get Hunk to show off improvised building skills, and Pidge to improve your hackers’... hacking.” She was still getting used to the human terms and how to use them. “Separate your crew into either skills they already have that they need to improve or skills they need to learn, cycle them through the various ‘classes’ taught by the paladins. And while they’re doing all that...”

“...Allura and I can be looking at what our next objective can be,” he finished for her, nodding along.

“Exactly!” She beamed. “And everyone will be better trained when you’ve decided! You can do all that here, just outside of town, near the Castle.”

He smiled. “Thank you, Romelle. Having some idea of what to do next helps me focus on today.”

“Good!” She grabbed his arm again and hauled him back towards where they’d left their significant others.

-----------

“Shiro!” Allura said brightly as she saw her cousin pulling him in their direction. “Did you really ask the girl you liked if she wanted to ‘visit your planet’ while wearing silver ping pong ball antennas on your head?”

“What?!” He snapped his gaze to Ryou and his twin brother’s shit-eating grin. “WHY would you tell her that?”

“I was using an anecdote to illustrate a point,” he replied evenly (though still grinning widely).

“Answer the question!” Romelle piped up. “I wanna know now, too!”

Takashi sighed. “Technically, no. I wore old-fashioned ‘alien’ antennas from an old Halloween costume and asked two people if they wanted to visit my planet, because I had a crush on both Amaia and her cousin, Jonan. She rolled her eyes at me and he just laughed.”

“But you still got a date with Jonan,” Ryou pointed out.

“Did this ‘Jonan’ want to know about romantic compatibility with an alien species?” Allura asked, barely able to contain her mirth.

“No, that’s a Takashi line, through and through,” he declared as Shiro turned red all the way to his ears.

Romelle snorted. “I distinctly remember you asking me about...”

It was Ryou’s turn to go crimson. “Hey, uhh... look at that game! With the... uh...”

“Laser versions of Galra power rifles,” Shiro said. “Yeah, let’s go play. Pretty sure Allura can’t accidentally pick up the wrong end of a gun that’s stuck in place.”

“Ha ha,” she said dryly, but they all laughed and she was arm in arm with Shiro, smiling, as they went over to the booth.

“You’re pretty good at this,” Romelle whispered to Ryou as she took his hand.

“I learned from the best,” he replied, kissing her cheek quickly.

#Socks writes Voltron fanfic #VLD #Shallura #Ryoumelle #with Breezy's Romelle #and my Twinganes #AU #great now I have to add this to the master list #OH WELL xD #void-tiger

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wolfpawn · 4 years ago

Text

I Hate You, I Love You, Chspter 147

Chapter Summary - Tom talks to Ben and Danielle before a call from Danielle that concerns him

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long. This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @wolfsmom1 @black-ninja-blade

'So, how did she take it?’ Ben asked Tom as they went on the last part of their press tour for the movie. 'She seemed to be okay meeting everyone and the photographers were obsessed with her.’

'I am in the proverbial doghouse.’

'For which part?’

'Not warning her.’

'You didn't warn her beforehand?’ Ben asked, slightly shocked.

'I told her that there was literally deaths to come. She gathered that meant Loki too, but she was angered that one, I died so early into it after all the promotion work I have been in and two, how particularly graphic it was. Apparently, that deserved a warning. I argued it was Loki, not me, she argued that since Loki had my face, her brain did not see it that way.’

'Completely understandable.’ Tim looked at his friend. ‘No, really. Sophie saw me disintegrate but I was not the first one to do so, so she was prepared.’

'I think Holland was more heartbreaking for Elle than anyone else.’

'I think that was the point of keeping it in, to break everyone's heart. He was actually half excited to meet her.’

'I think she half adopted him as a younger brother.’ Tom chuckled. 'As soon as he said he was half Irish and showed her pictures of Tessa, they were talking for ages.’

'She seemed to get on with Olsen too.’ Ben watched Tom's reaction to his words, bit Tom merely nodded. 'Is that not a little weird, since you two...what was the story there?’

'Nothing serious is was happened.’ Tom state firmly. 'Elle could get on with anyone and yes, she and Elizabeth were very amiable to one another. Elle has this thing where before her is none of her concern and all she is bothered by is us as we are. As long as it is in the past, whatever happened is fine.’ He explained.

'You realise, if you ever do anything to mess this up, you'll be the biggest fool to ever exist, you know that?’

'No, I am never risking Elle, if it were up to me…I think it will be my biggest regret.’

'What?’

'Not allowing myself to love her sooner.’

'You have her now. Appreciate that.’ Ben commented, handing Tom his coffee. Tom nodded. 'So, no post-premiere fun for you last night then?’

'Stop bragging.’ Tom growled, remembering Danielle's less than impressed face as she walked into the house after more than once glaring at him at reference to Loki's demise.

Ben chuckled. 'How did the media take it?’

'According to Luke, fine. A few people attacking.’

‘Nothing new there.’

'And more seeing how beautiful she is and happy we are.’

'Did she choose green on purpose?’

'Yes, apparently she thought it apt.’ Tom smirked. 'She seemed to enjoy it for the most part. I mean, she was slightly terrified, I could feel her anxiety but she took it well.’

‘I think she looked well beside you.’ Ben smiled. 'She would look even better with a ring on her finger though.’ He licked his teeth as he teased Tom, who glared at him. 'You know, the more you show that bothers you, the more everyone, myself included, will tease you about it.’

'Hey.’ Danielle was out of breath on the other end of the phone. 'Sorry, long session.’

Tom frowned. Of late, Danielle had decreased her training. He rang her over an hour and a half ago and the way she was panting told him she was literally just finished. 'Hey, how are you?’

'Fucking bolloxed. How are things there? Did the interview go well?’

'Yes. It did.’ He smiled at Ben who sat beside him to text Sophie. 'What was the session?’

‘Swimming, so much fucking swimming. Then a ten k after, why the ever loving fuck did I agree to it?’

'Who convinced you to do that?’

'Mark, from work. I was just talking yesterday and he mentioned his wife was a swimmer and how he was trying to get her to do Tri's with him and we got talking and I was talking about how I need to improve my swimming, I told you how I wasn't happy with it.’

'The technique, wasn't it?’ Tom recalled.

'Exactly, well she does lessons too, she was really big in long-distance swimming for ages and I said we should work together on a few things if she is keen on doing some Tri, so here I am with them and putting myself through hell.’ She explained. 'I am dying. I am after getting so unfit.’

‘You have not.’

'Oh, I have. My muscles are not trying to save my feelings, they are telling me in no uncertain terms that I am.’ She laughed.

Tom chuckled. 'I am back in two days, we can see if you are recovered by then.’

'I have another swim and run session then, so I doubt it. I also have to go to Suffolk soon, do you want me to hold off or go tomorrow?’

'Leave it until I get back. What are you going for?’

'My bike, the one you got. I need to bring it to London.’

'Elle, are you training again?’ Tom asked curiously, having asked before about Danielle's triathlon training only to be told she ceased it due to work.

'I am.’

'That's good. Right?’

'Yes.’ There was uncertainty in her voice.

'Elle?’

'I did something stupid.’

'What did you do?’ Tom was unsure what the response would be. 'Elle?’

'Mark and Hannah were talking about it and in a rush of blood to the head I did it too.’

'Did what?’

'I signed up to a race.’

'Surely that's a good thing, right?’

'After a year plus off, I don't know.’

'When is it?’

'September.’

'Well, there is plenty of time to train yourself up again after the time off, that's months. What's the issue?’

'It's the Tenby Ironman.’

'Iron...you mean...?’

'Yes.’

'A full one?’

‘A 2.4-mile swim, then a 112-mile cycle and a marathon-length run to boot.’ She recited.

'Is she fucking insane?’ Ben, who had, by being so close to Tom, been half listening to the conversation, could not stop his reaction. 'Why would anyone do that?’

Tom was still processing the sheer distances. 'Elle, are you...why?’

'I always wanted to do one, now I feel I can.’ She explained.

Tim could hear something in her voice, he was uncertain if Danielle even knew it was there, but there was a slight hint of something that made him think something was not entirely right. 'Well, we better get your bike sorted.’ He made sure his tone was light and jovial. 'How will you juggle it with work?’

‘I wanted to talk to you about that. I am going to be taking less work for the next few months. I mean, I'll still be in charge of the office, I will still be the boss, but I...I have been asked to take time to do something else too.’

Tom frowned at the phone. 'Elle? What's going on?’

'I got made an offer. I want to take it.’

'What is it?’

'Remember when I assisted Waters with the whole thing after my course work?’

'Yes, I was the one to tell you your results last year.’

'I am being asked to be the foreperson for the new way it is done, they want me to take the time to do it, I have six months to write it. I want to take it.’

Tom didn't know what to say. 'Will you have to travel?’

'Only for the meetings in Safeguard. I will have to go to the office twice a week also, but I can work from wherever in the world I want. We can do the summer by the coast we were talking about.’

Tom's brows rose at that. He wanted them to get to Southampton for part of the summer because he had work there and he had wanted Danielle to come with him but she was concerned about work. 'That's incredible.’ He chuckled. 'Really, that's….that's incredible.’

'You approve?’

'Fuck yes, I approve. That's great.’

'I was worried you wouldn't.’ There was relief in her voice.

'No Elle, that's brilliant.’

‘The situation with the new guidelines?’

'Yes?’

'Tom, it's worth a small fortune, I... I cannot believe this. I'll be published for this. I will be cited material.’

Tom felt a surge of pride in his chest. ‘I can think of no one better, Elle. Between this and the Ironman, you'll be incredibly busy.’

'That's sort of the plan.’ That caused Tom's brows to furrow. 'I better let you get back to work, Love. Say hello to Ben for me. I better go home and get fed and changed here. I have to get some shopping in too, so I will talk to you before bed tonight okay?’

'Okay, Darling. I'll talk to you then.’ Tom stated.

'Love you.’ With that, and without waiting for a response, she hung up.

Tom took his phone from his ear and looked at it in time to see the words “call ended” on the screen.

'What's up?’

'I am not sure. There's something going on with Danielle.’

'In what way?’

‘I’m not entirely sure but there is something in her voice. For someone who is moving up at work and supposedly wants to do an Ironman, she does not seem overly enthused.’ He declared.

'You are probably reading way too much into it.’ Ben commented. 'If someone said I had to do a marathon after all that other stuff, I wouldn't be overly enthusiastic either.’

Tom did not respond, instead he looked at his phone.

Back in London, the smile that Danielle had forced on her face to talk to Tom fell off and she felt herself become consumed by her feelings once more. Starting the engine on her car, she considered what she could do to wear her out even more for the evening so she would collapse into bed and fall asleep rather than be awake with her thoughts. As "Human" by Christina Perri came on the radio, she swallowed as she focused on the words, barely able to stop her eyes welling up

#i hate you i love you #wolfpawn #chapter 147 #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fic

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cutiegrumpycerym · 5 years ago

Photo

New boy ! You know what that means ? New comic ! The comic will be very short, it will just tell his full story. Here is now a full reference for him !

Name : Aion

Age : ?

AU : He comes from a dead AU, but its name was Aiontale.

Role : Gardian of Time in the multiverse. His role is to protect timelines and worldlines of the AUs, preventing useless resets done by the humans, and restoring corrupted timelines when he can.

He is NEUTRAL, so he doesn’t save anybody from they fatality. He is also not interested in making people happy. He just does his job, and wants to “pass time” by finding entertainments for himself. So he is more exactly CHAOTIC NEUTRAL.

His role is also to help the Creators to find the time they need to create AUs. And the time they need to rest, because it’s also important. His point of view on this will be explained in the comic.

Backstory : For some reasons that will be explained in the comic, his AU died, consumed. Every inhabitants was “falling down” one by one. To avoid this fatality, Aion had to destroy his own SOUL before it consumed by itself, letting him “fall down” too to die. It also erased him from the existence of every timeline and worldline possible, separating his Fate from the Fate of his world. Also, everyone would have forgot him, like he never existed. They wouldn’t even see him, as it was like if he was non-existent. He lost his ability to feel, and his memories. When he woke up, his world was just gone.

The first person he met in the multiverse was Error, who obviously tried to erase him from existence. But he couldn’t do what was already done in a certain way, so he simply tried to kill him. But Aion abilities made his magic useless, so Error gave up, upset. But the fight exhausted Aion and drained all his magic which couldn’t re-new.

Ink found him after a time, inconscious. He was interested by his story which looked similar to his own. For this only reason, he helped Aion to leanr many things like his abilities, how the multiverse worked, and the role he should have. Only because Ink was curious and fascinated.

Fresh was the third person Aion met, but they didn’t talked for a long time. But Aion has a better feeling with Fresh, because he is more similar to him than Ink is.

He also met Lust and found him particularly interesting, but I’ll keep this story for later~

Abilities :

- Two swords swordsmen. His swords are clockwise. The minute-hand, Kairos, can “slash time”. The hour-hand, Chronos, can “block time”. The second-hand, Aion, is not a weapon but a tool which allows him to “rewrite time”. He can change the past, the future and even the Fate of a person or a timeline. But as he is neutral and is not able to care about people, he just uses it to restore damaged timelines. He also doesn’t sees the point in fighting, especially with Error. So he never fights seriously.

- He can see Past, and all Futures possible of any living creatures thanks to the red belt around his coat. The problem is he can’t predict which future can occur. The only future he can see with perfection are only the next few seconds or minutes. He also oftenly confuses Past and Future with the Present time he is actually in, so he can say very confusing things to people.

- He is also aware of every alternate realities that exists thanks to Creators. So he knows about Sanscest, Fontcest, ship childs, and even fusions like AccidentVerse. But he can’t access them. He can just have a glimpse during his “dreaming sessions”.

- As a SOULLESS being, he can’t dream. He actually sees Past, Futures and Alternate Realities during his sleeps. It just confuses him a lot because he can’t distinguish what’s real or which “time” it corresponds to.

- He can feel. He actually knows two spells.

- “Chrono Stasis” allows him to “kill the time”. Basically, he can stop time. But he can do it only on living beings. Not on an entire timeline. That kinda useful in fights !

- “Chrono Anastasis” is the reversed spell, which means “Resurrection of Time”. This spell allows him to do a lot of things like healing people or cancel magic attacks, but it especially allows him to “steal and consume time” of living beings or timelines to “go back in time” for himself, bringing him back the feelings he had when he still had a SOUL. But the thing is that he’ll remain soulless, so he doesn’t know HOW to feel. Nor when, nor why. It’s just kinda confusing to him.

- This spell also allows him to re-new his lost magic. It’s the only way for him to use magic.

- This spell basically converts the time of other living things to Aion’s own benefit. But it has its risks. Each universe and person has its own resistance. Its own limit of time before being destroyed. If Aion passes this limit of time for a timeline, it will shatter and disappear like it didn’t existed. That’s why each time he enters a universe or see someone he want to use “Chrono Anastasis” on, his internal clock (located in his left eye) tells him how much time he can use it.

- If for example he uses “Chrono Anastasis” during 6 hours on a timeline, he will hace to restore those 6 hours to the timeline, losing his ability to feel and re-new his magic, and he will have to wait 6 hours before using it again, repeating the cycle. Everything’s proportional !

- His internal clock indicates him what time it is in each AU he enters, as notion of time is messed up in the multiverse.

Trivia :

- If he is too much disturbed and loses his focus, he will lose track of time and his internal clock won’t be able to update again. That’s why to prevent that, he also thinks to put his watches on the right hour. But if he forgot, and lost track of time, he will have a huge panic attack.

- When he looses track of time, his left eye will show a red hourglass instead of a green clock.

- When he is thinking, the hourglass will also show up !

- The color of the clock / hourglass depends on his “emotions”. Green if he feels okay, red if he doesn’t.

- He has a huge phobia of not being able to know the time and measure it. So he basically hates voids because time doesn’t exist there, so his internal clock can’t do anything for him.

- When he doesn’t feel, he quickly loses track of time in an AU as he is not able to “feel the time” anymore. So he will rely on his watches. If he forgot to put them on the right hour, he will just stay immobile until he compketely blacks-out, like a broken clock.

- He hates to wait.

- He hates wastes of time.

- He has also a huge phobia of “being inexistant”, or just not living. That’s why he entertains himself in any ways possible to feel alive. That’s why he feels so alike with Fresh.

- He met many people, outcodes like Paper Crane, and even Template and Pale. He likes Pale a lot while he can’t understand Template.

- He really likes most of the Floweys.

- He developped sadistic tendancies, so he will purposely say scary things to people just to see how they will react.

- Or mainly because he can’t realize when he does something bad. Heh. He can’t feel. That’s pretty hard for him to figure this out, or understand others or even feel empathy for them !

- He can purposely act annoying. Just for fun. He is the kind of guy to SLUUUURP intensely what he is drinking right next to somebody just to watch they reaction. Cuz dat’s funny lol.

- He finds Lust very fascinating. Because he doesn’t understand him and is curious. And because WOW. “HIS DIFFERENT PASTS, FUTURES AND EVEN SELFS IN ALTERNATE REALITIES ARE COMPLETELY WACC ! GOOD JOB CREATORS !”

- Laughs at everything.

- Doesn’t understand metaphors. And many things about people.

- Tells time-related puns. Of course.

- HE LOVES ALL OBJECTS RELATED TO TIME. OH MY. WATCHES AND HOURGLASSES ARE SO GOOD.

- His favorite food are niku-pan. Also called bobuns (I believe ?) You know ? Those soft breads with meat inside ? Delicious~ “He could kill for it~”

- He enjoys to do scary smiles like Flowey, just to scare people. That’s funny too.

- When he feels, his emotions are very random unlike Ink. This spell is based on his Memories. And the freshest and most traumatizing memory he has is the feeling of terror and despair he felt as the idea of dying while seeing his own world shatter.

- So yes. When he feels, he is very anguished. Most of the time. That why he does anything to feel better and amused.

- He anguishes a lot when someone points out his bad or inappropriate behaviors whereas he can’t even understand what he did wrong. Then he will feel frustrated of not being able to understand.

- He can’t give a proper definition to feelings. He knows what are basic emotions such as joy, sadness, anger or fear. But that’s all. He doesn’t even know what Disgust or Disappointment are.

- He acts like a jerk without knowing it. And when he knows, he doesn’t care. He is Neutral !

- When he doesn’t feel, he can feel fear in very critical or dangerous moments, because our brains are programmed to create a reaction similar to this feeling that doesn’t depend on SOULs. Like with Flowey. That’s called “Survival Instinct”. Something very present within Aion.

- Aion is the metaphysical time. The time we can’t measure, such as generations, age, fate, ETERNITY. This is one of the three types of time with Chronos and Kairos.

- No one knows if he can use magic in the same way as other Sanses, like bones or Gaster Blasters. Even him. He haven’t found yet any memory about magic from his world.

- “To find the Time, we need a lot of Patience, and Perseverance !”

“Well, see you in the comic, Creators !”

————– Aion!Sans and Aiontale by me Art by me

PLEASE DON’T REPOST, COPY, TRACE NOR USE MY ART ! REBLOGS ARE HIGHLY APPRECIATED ! ^^

(Click for better resolution !)

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rational-mastermind · 5 years ago

Text

It Doesn’t Hurt

5/5, the finale. Yay! Now we can be done with this. XD;; To anyone who’s actually read all five chapters, thank you. I hope you liked it.

We got in our cars and drove home and by the time I had reached my apartment, I felt drained. The events of the day had taken their toll on me and I was more than happy to just sit on my couch and try to not muster up any more emotion than necessary.

“Long day, huh?” Siobhan asked.

“It happens.”

She sat down with me. I rubbed tiredly at my eyes.

“You look exhausted.”

“I have achieved a new metaphysical, dare I say, even spiritual level of exhaustion.”

She chuckled, which made me smile a little. But it was weak and forced. I was honestly too groggy to put in that much effort.

“I know those days.” she said, smiling back at me with sympathy.

“No… No I don’t think you do.” I mumbled, looking up at the ceiling.

“Well how bad is it?” she asked sympathetically.

“I mean, I’m not just tired, like, physically. It’s not just physical exhaustion. I’m... Mentally exhausted. I’m spiritually exhausted.”

“Maybe you just need to go to bed early?”

“Sleep won’t help.” I replied, deadpanned. “Sleep never helps it just makes things worse.”

“Trilby?”

“Which is worse? The nightmares or the stress? The days or nights? The endless cycle of pain that is our existence..” I sat up more and rubbed at the headache that I had been fighting all day.

“Trilby, what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong is that I am… broken.” I stated, starting to grow slightly irritated, and more depressed. “I’m just.. Broken. Down to my core. I can’t.. I shouldn’t..”

“Trilby??” Siobhan was genuinely confused as I shook my head, trying to figure out how to phrase things.

“I don’t know why you bother to stay so close to me.. I’m no good. I should’ve already died.”

“..Trilby, please don’t say that.”

“It’s true.. Siobhan, I did die. I died at that hotel. The thief was thrown down, Siobhan, and he knew the name of the King. I know I died.”

“That’s… not funny, Trilby. You didn’t die... I brought you back. You didn’t die…” She started to sound scared.

I found I couldn’t care at the time.

I stared fixedly at the floor, a part of me fighting to make sure I saw the floor instead of my blood pooling on the stump.

“I remember dying.” I finally said. “And I don’t think I’ve been right ever since. Everything was black. Everything was calm and peaceful. I thought I was finally free.”

“Free?”

“I thought I could finally escape the hell of existence only to find my time wasn’t finished. I don’t know why. I don’t know how.” I could feel myself growing angrier. “Lenkmann said I was a man who died on my terms, so why haven’t I died?!”

Things became blurry. I could remember the stump. I remembered Lenkmann.

I remembered The Prince standing over me.

The Prince.

“Is that why I hadn’t died?”

“Why haven’t you killed me too, you skinny bastard?!” my past echoed out to me.

“DAMMIT IS THAT WHY I’M NOT DEAD?!” I realized only dimly that I was screaming. I think I recall pulling at my hair. “Was this the Prince’s doing?!”

“Trilby, what the hell are you on about?!”

I could feel my mind spin and everything began to swam in my vision.

“It’s because I challenged him, isn’t it? He didn’t kill me because he can’t kill me cause I’m the Guide! So if he can’t kill me, he’ll simply torture me! It’s an endless cycle of torture, just as the King would want. Now it all makes sense, this is all that’s left for me. I never left! I’m still there, stuck in endless pain. I’m nothing but a plaything for Chzo!”

Suddenly I felt my body being shook violently and my mind was pulled back to the present.

I was back in my apartment and Siobhan was yelling at me.

Tears were freely spilling down my cheeks. Reality settled back into place.

I was shaking all over.

“Trilby, what the hell?!”

I blinked. A few times. Shook my head to remove the last of the fog in it and looked back at Siobhan.

“...S...sorry..” I apologized. “I.. Oh Siobhan, I’m sorry.”

I rubbed away the tears and tried to take a calming breath, albeit it shaky and stuttering.

“I didn’t mean to… go off like that.. Siobhan, I’m sorry.” I apologized again.

“Does this happen often??”

“Sometimes.. Some days...are much worse than others..” I sighed and carefully took her hands off my shoulders. “I’m sorry.. This is usually why I like to stay away from people.”

“Trilby I think this is every reason why you NEED someone with you!” Siobhan argued, scared and concerned. I felt horrible looking back at her worried face. “Actually I think what you really need...is a break.. From everything.”

I sighed.

“I don’t get too many of those…”

“Well then it sounds like now’s a good a time as any to start.”

“How would that work?”

“Well.. Like..” Siobhan thought for a moment and then took my hands and guided me to the couch. I didn’t even realize I had been standing, but sitting back down, only then did I realize my legs ached a little. I must’ve been pacing during my small breakdown. “Start with this. And.. Hang on.”

She got back up and went to the kitchen. After a moment she came back and sat down beside me.

“Okay, I’ve got water on for tea.”

“Siobhan what-?”

“Na na na na na.. No. You don’t ask questions. Let me ask the questions. You need a break from this. All that. Work, Chzo, the whole thing. You need a break.”

“No, Siobhan, I think I just need-”

“Trilby, you. Need. A. Break.” She said firmly, placing a hand on my shoulder. “You need to think about something else for a little while.”

I looked at her a moment, a serious expression of determination on her face. I sighed and surrendered. I didn’t have it in me to argue anymore. Whatever was left in me was now spent and I simply sat back and did as she told.

“Okay, let’s… Talk about something else.” Siobhan began. “Um… What’s… Your favorite color?”

“My favorite-?”

“Yeah.”

“Ummm..” I searched my brain for an answer. I honestly don't give it much thought. I shrugged. “Uh, black? Blue’s... kinda nice.”

Siobhan smiled and relaxed with me.

“Cool. I like purple myself.” she grinned.

“Siobhan, what the hell is the point of such a silly question?”

“Just to get you thinking about something else.” she shrugged. “Abed… used to need help grounding too. He would get so forgetful and thoughtless. So just talking about things would help.”

I decided to just go with it.

“Well.. What else would you like to know?” “Hmm..” she thought for a moment and then snapped her fingers as the idea came to her. “Okay, what’s your favorite movie?” I couldn’t help a chuckle and shook my head.

“Siobhan.. I’m sorry to inform you that I’m one of the most boring men you’ll ever meet.” was my answer. “I don’t watch a lot of movies.. I hardly watch any television, period.”

“Oh my gosh, come on, really? Not even the classics?”

“Like what?”

“Like.. Like Robin Hood? Mask of Zorro?”

“Well as far as Robin Hood goes, the book was admittedly better than the movie, and I never heard of Zorro.”

“Holy shit, now I’ve gotta show you Zorro. You’d love it!”

I chuckled more.

“What? What’s so funny?” she asked.

“I don’t know.. It’s just..all so silly. This is silly.”

“That’s the point!” she playfully nudged me.

We talked for a bit longer after that. She got us tea and after that she fixed dinner. She refused my help, so I was left to sit at the dining room table while she worked.

“So you’ve always wanted to be a thief?”

“Surprisingly, no. I used to be into engineering. It’s how I made my grolly.”

“Ahh.. Weird. Wait, that’s really weird. You? Engineering? Isn’t that kinda nerdy?”

We laughed and talked. Siobhan strayed away from any topic I was reluctant to answer. Silly things, serious things. It was nice. It felt nice to finally just share whatever’s been on my mind. We talked through dinner and well after. I was starting to feel better, as strange as it was.

“And that’s how the newspaper coined my nickname, Trilby.” I was explaining at one point, showing her a small trinket I kept from the Valentine’s Day Heist. “So, as an alias, it sufficed.”

“So then what’s your real name?” “Nice try, but I’m going to have to be a lot more drunk to give that one away, and I don’t drink.”

“Geez, you’re boring.” she teased.

I didn’t pay close enough attention, but I ended up talking about things that bothered me as well.

“Doesn’t everyone do that? Wear a mask?” she asked.

“Not like an emotional one. I’ve been doing that for so long. Every time you think of some composed gentleman thief named after a hat, that’s my facade. No, I mean literally.. This face… it doesn’t quite feel like mine.. This body doesn’t feel like mine.. I feel like I’m just looking through windows out someone else’s head.” I looked down at my hands.

Siobhan gently took one and began to trace it with her fingers. The feeling brought a slight distraction, making it easier to talk without losing myself in my thoughts.

“What do you think you should feel like then? What’s supposed to be different?”

“I don’t know.. Some days I feel like everything’s normal. Others.. It’s like I look in the mirror and I feel like I was supposed to be older looking.”

“Isn’t that a good thing that you’re not?”

“I’m sure it’s supposed to be. But it just feels like a disgusting lie. And then I feel worn and tired again. Not physical exhaustion. Like I’ve already lived two lifetimes but was cheated out of death both times.”

“Cheated?”

“I’ll admit, I was pretty suicidal before we met.” I confessed. Siobhan looked worried and I couldn’t offer any consolation other than a shrug. “It’s not...so bad now. Sometimes I can ignore it. The depersonalization. But some days… It all piles up. The exhaustion. The suicide. The age. The stress. The trauma. And I can’t...”

“Like earlier?”

“...Yes.”

It was late into the night and I wasn’t paying much attention to anything anymore. Siobhan and I were curled up on one end of the couch. Her head rested on my chest, I had an arm wrapped around her. A blanket I normally kept on the back of my couch was haphazardly wrapped around us. My body felt like lead. My eyelids were heavy.

“Don’ lemme fall asleep.” Siobhan hummed, rubbing her face against me.

“Mmm.. Maybe you should fall asleep.”

“Noooo…” she whined and frowned. “I.. can’.. No’ till you do.”

“Heh. Siobhan… You…” I had to pause to yawn. “Terribly sorry.. You underestimate my ability to… function without sleep.”

“No.. Sleep…” she groggily demanded.

I smiled and simply shook my head.

She was already falling asleep quickly on me. I sighed and carefully slipped out from underneath her, leaving her to rest her head on the back of the couch, while I quietly turned out the lights in the apartment and got the bed ready for her.

I came back and gently helped coaxed her awake.

“Siobhan.. Come on.. Time for bed.”

“Mmm.. No…” she groaned, curling up tighter on the couch.

I smiled and gently pulled her arms away from her head.

“Up.” I commanded quietly.

She eventually gave in, sitting up. Her eyes barely open. I chuckled and helped her get to her feet. She blinked, looked up at me, gave me a quick kiss, and started stumbling to the bed. I gently lead her, helping her to keep her balance, until finally she sat on the bed.

“Alright. Good night, Siobhan.”

“Mm.” she whined and then, very much like a child, held out her arms to me.

I looked at her confused and leaned down.

“What?”

Without warning she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me down onto the bed with her.

“Wh-?? Siobhan. I-” I tried to pull away gently.

“You need sleep too.” was her only means of reasoning.

“I’ll sleep on the couch.” I tried to reassure her.

“Noooo.” she whined and hugged tighter. “Nightmares…”

I was too tired to do more than chuckle at her reaction. Any more sane and I likely would’ve been annoyed. Instead I shook my head and gently pulled at her arms.

“At least let me change into some pajamas?” “Fine..” she released me from her grasp. “Better come back though.”

“Alright, alright.”

I didn’t have it in me to argue. I simply changed my clothes and came back as promised. She still laid there, eyes barely managing to stay open. I slipped in beside her and was instantly greeted with arms around my middle and a face buried into my shoulder.

“Satisfied?” I asked.

“Yes.” she chuckled.

I shook my head and turned out the light. We got comfortable together. I didn’t care if this didn’t seem proper or appropriate. It was nice, sleeping in my bed again. Even nicer that there was something soft and warm curled up next to me.

I could see Siobhan’s face in the dim light of the room. It looked so peaceful and relaxed. I felt so grateful for talking with her, and was a little surprised to feel how much of a difference it really made. I leaned closer and gently kissed her. Her lips barely responded, in a sleepy attempt to kiss back. I pulled away and she was smiling.

“Trilby?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“...I love you too, Siobhan.”

I quickly lost consciousness after that. And for the first time in so long, it was a deep and restful, peaceful sleep. It took me much longer to finally wake up enough to crack open my eyes. I instantly squeezed them shut again at the bright light of the new morning with a groan as sharp pain pierced my brain.

“Good morning...”

“Hmmmm?”

I tried opening my eyes again and sleepily blinked until I could see Siobhan’s gentle smiling face.

“Good morning, Siobhan…” I replied, my voice groggy and slightly hoarse with sleep. I weakly smiled back.

“How you feeling?”

“Better.”

“Good.” she kissed my cheek.

I grinned a bit more as she cuddled up closer and sighed lazily. I wanted to stay like this forever.

That is, until I remembered we had work to do today. I sighed defeatedly and rubbed at my eyes.

“We should get up.” I grumbled.

“Ugh, do we have to?” she groaned and buried her face further into me. “It’s warm and cozy here.”

“Siobhan, to be fair, this is a touch inappropriate, isn’t it?”

“Nope.”

Siobhan seemed content to stay there for the remainder of the day, until she finally started waking up more.

“Wait.. When did I get into bed?”

“I all but dragged you to bed after you fell asleep on me last night.” I chuckled.

She looked up at me, utterly bewildered.

“..Seriously? I don’t remember that..”

I shook my head and Siobhan looked at the situation with a newly awoken perspective before looking back at me again. She paused, and then her grin became sly.

“Well Mr. Trilby, this is rather ungentlemanly of you.” she said coyly, obviously teasing.

I chuckled and seeing an opportunity, I played along.

“It wasn’t my fault you couldn’t keep your hands off me.” I teased, earning a small laugh. My hand gently traced her jawline only to cup her chin and bring her face closer to mine. “You made such a scene, practically begging me to join you, it would’ve only been rude to ignore you.”

“Holy crap, Trilby..” she chuckled, turning pink in the face. She was quickly becoming flustered and shy. It was adorable.

I grinned more and my hand slowly roamed down her side, reaching her waist and gently pulling her closer to me.

“But I swear, I didn’t take advantage of you last night...” I purred. “That is not what a gentleman does.”

Siobhan’s blush darkened to a deep crimson red and she bit her lip. She squirmed slightly.

“You.. could’ve.. I… w-wouldn’t have minded..” she stammered, meekly.

“Oh but that would be horribly improper.” I gently scolded.

“And now..?”

She looked so hopeful. So eager.

My cue to pull away entirely.

“And now that I’m awake, time to get up and get to work.”

The effect was perfect, leaving Siobhan in a flustered mess for once. She stammered and yelled at me. I grinned back.

We laughed and finally got up, took turns getting dressed, and ate breakfast. Before leaving, I grabbed my grolly, hat, gloves, mask, momentarily reminding myself of old habits, and we headed for the shop. Naturally, morning traffic made it take a while, but for once, I didn’t mind wasting a little extra time.

“Hey, Trilby?” Siobhan said during a small bout of silence. “I think… we should talk.. About...us?”

I was puzzled, to say the least, at first, but remembering how we didn’t really address anything yesterday, despite my weak hesitation... I’m only surprised I didn’t bring it up myself.

“...I agree.” I said, becoming more serious. “I did mean to ask you about that.”

We sat in silence a bit longer, not really sure how to start. Siobhan sighed and, as usual, broke the silence.

“Okay, lemme just put this out there.” she rolled her eyes. “Are we ever gonna see each other after this?”

“Well I mean..” I knew my answer, but still, saying it aloud was… unusual. “...I’d like to.”

“..I’d like that too.”

“But..” I sighed. “Our schedules…”

“Well how bad is yours?”

“They usually have me running errands every other weekend..” I sighed with a tired and satirical smile before frowning in seriousness again. “And.. Well some missions can take days.. Weeks.. Months..”

“I could wait for you…”

“They’re kind of dangerous… I may come back more broken than before.”

“If you’d let me… I’d like to help fix you..”

“Is this really something you’d want?” I asked, a little nervous for the answer. “..I’ll be honest, Siobhan.. I would.. I do want… whatever we can make of this. I don’t want it to just be… another casual fling. I don’t want it to only be a fling.”

“I don’t want that, either, Trilby. For the first time in my life… I actually want something a little more… serious.” Siobhan sighed a little. “I mean it.. You’re.. actually the only man I could ever want to wait for.. I know it’d be difficult, but.. I mean.. Whenever we get the time.. We could make room for each other.”

“What about the shop?”

“You could visit me after hours.. During hours. Any time, really.” she chuckled. “I’ll leave the second story window unlocked, if it helps. And you could come and sleep on the couch until I wake up.”

“Well I’m sorry to say it wouldn’t be a first time I’m invited to break into someone’s house.” I chuckled, and she laughed in return. “But.. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad…”

“We could make it work.” she encouraged.

“... I would like to.” I confessed. “I’ll be honest, being around you… I don’t feel… as insane.”

“Same.”

“...It doesn’t hurt.”

“...It doesn’t.”

We smiled at each other and were happy. Within time we arrived at the shop. Claire arrived shortly after and she and I began working on the banishing ritual.

“I thought it was just...normal chalk?” I asked as Claire offered me a colorful kit.

“They were all out of the boring stuff so this was all I could find.”

I rolled my eyes and picked out a blue and purple.

Claire picked out a pink and orange.

“Anything I can do?” Siobhan offered.

“Do you have lots of salt?” Claire asked.

“Yeah?”

“We’re gonna need that circle made before we get started, so we know what to work around.

Using my grolly I made quick work of the ceiling. While it was certainly enough effort to keep the blood from rushing to my head too much, I couldn’t help over hear the other two as well.

“So… Does he….?” Siobhan asked.

“If you’re gonna date him, get used to this.” Claire simply said.

“...Have you dated him before?”

“Oh hell no. He’s just… Like this. Sometimes.”

“...I still think it’s cute.”

“You two sound like a good pair.”

After getting the circles etched out, I returned to the floor, swinging off the rafter with my grolly and managing to get a flip in before I land, feet perfectly held together. I give a sweeping bow.

“And he sticks the landing.” I say, unable to help the grin.

When I look up I see Claire sneering at me.

“If you’re looking to show off, Siobhan’s in the other room.”

I frowned and rolled my eyes.

“What? I can’t have a bit of selfish fun on this job?” I looked around. “Claire, have you seen my hat? I thought I sat it on the counter.”

Siobhan came back in just then, having put the salt away, wearing my hat. We looked at each other for a good minute before she simply grinned.

“So….? Do I get to wear the hat?” She asked.

“Absolutely not.” I smiled and took it off her head.

“Aw, come on!”

“No.” I sat it back in its proper place. “Besides, it’s not your style.”

Claire chuckled. “Yeah.. I mean, to be fair, you’re more of a uh.. Straw hat type.”

Siobhan shrugged.

“Maybe a bowler hat?”

“Ew, no.” I shook my head.

“Ooh! How about he wears a trilby, and you wear a fedora?” Claire grinned.

“Yes!” Siobhan smiled excitedly.

“Siobhan..” I gave her a patient smile. “If you dare so much as pick one up, I’m breaking up with you.”

Siobhan and Claire laughed. Siobhan started.

“You going to be okay with this?” Claire asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be? Ghosts can’t even make other things affect a salt ring.” I shrugged.

“I know you’ll be safe, but to be fair, no one’s really done it like this before.” Claire said cautiously.

“I seem to be the first to a lot of things, don’t I?” I returned. “Actually.. I should’ve probably brought a camera. Yarrow would’ve loved to see this.” “If the ghosts didn’t mess it up first.”

“Granted.”

“Look, it’s just.. I know it’s no secret how you feel about this job..” Claire sighed. “..Just wouldn’t want to file a report, y’know?”

I smiled easily.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Kay.”

“You ready?”

I nodded and stepped over into the circle, mindful not to knock the salt over.

“Oh yeah, feel free to lay it on kinda thick?” Claire offered. “I mean, from what you guys say, it seems like the worse the crime, the more ghosts there are.”

“The worse the punishment.” I nodded. “There’s poetic justice for you.”

“I… Um.. Don’t think he’d really have to exaggerate too much, y’know?” Siobhan chimed in.

“Hm? What do you- Ohhhhh. Oh, yeah, actually, that’s true. I mean you’ve-”

“OKAY.” I quickly clapped a hand over Claire’s mouth. “We get it… Claire.”

It finally dawned on her what she was about to say and she bit her lip before carefully replying.

“....I’m gonna head out now.”

“You do that.”

Claire quickly headed out. Siobhan looked back at me.

“...you sure you’re gonna be okay?” she asked, nervously.

“I’ve done salt rings a few times now.. It’s perfectly safe.” I reassured her. “Go on. You should wait outside with Claire until this is over.”

Siobhan nodded and headed out. I sighed and looked around the empty shop. It’s funny. Without all the merchandise, it felt so large and empty, you wouldn’t have been able to tell if there was some paranormal threat.

But now it was time to summon them regardless.

I took a deep breath and braced myself.

“I’m a thief.”

The shop began to shake. Ghosts began to swarm as semi-translucent masses. A few of them came to try to attack, but were kept at bay by the salt.

“I am held responsible for the death of Dr. Abed Chahal.”

The room quickly began to fill with the wailing of ghosts. Many others have begun circling around me, as they did the other day, looking to kill me.

“I am a suspect for the death of Simone Taylor.”

The wailing of the ghosts became louder, and I had to start yelling to be heard among them. I could see Brutus’ strong and darker, more distinguished, ethereal form stand above the others. He began making his way toward me, obviously unhappy with a man with two murders to his name so far.

“I murdered Philp Harty!”

I was surprised to find myself tense. As if I needed to work to keep myself standing there, confessing what I’ve done as Brutus’ large form stood over me, banging on the barrier between us, but unable to break it. Despite Siobhan’s better effort, the circle still felt almost too small.

“I KILLED AGENT ANDREW JARVIS, A MEMBER OF THE MINISTRY OF OCCULTISM.”

Of all the screams and wails, Brutus’ roar deafened the others and possibly shook the store to its very foundations.

“YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES, MURDERER!”

“IT WASN’T MY FAULT!” I screamed back.

The store quaked and the roaring winds whipped around me. I held my ground and began to holler the incantation at the top of my lungs.

The ghosts began to scream at ear-piercing volumes as the runes began to glow, all around the store. They wavered and writhed and contorted into inhuman forms as they were being torn away from this plane. Brutus’ bellow of anguish caused the store to shake more and I was nearly knocked to my feet.

I managed to catch myself in time, but realized I was now closer to the edge of the circle. I looked up at the swirling madness and mash of colors, shrieks, and death.

And I realized how close to death I really was.

It would’ve been easy. All I would’ve had to do was… stick my neck out a little further.

It would be quick.

I would finally be done.

I would finally be free.

It wouldn’t have to hurt.

“You still have work to do.” said something far back in my mind.

‘I’m tired of work..’

“You’re not done yet.”

But rather than wanting to argue, or get angry at being denied, I knew it was right. I’m not done yet. I still had reason to live.

I pulled back.

And stood up.

“I’m not done yet.” I told myself. “I still have reason to live.”

I donned my mask to protect my skin, and a pair of specially made glasses and pulled my hat over my eyes for good measure as the shop was suddenly lit up to blinding proportions.

A bright flash and a puff of pinks and purples and that was it.

I pulled off my mask and heard the shop door open. I looked up to see Claire and Siobhan walking in.

“Yeah you’re gonna wanna let this air out.” Claire was saying.

“Trilby!” Siobhan hurried over and hugged me. “Are you alright? Did they hurt you? Why are you wearing shades??”

“I’m fine, Siobhan.” I smiled reassuringly and took off the glasses. “Everything’s alright.”

She smiled and leaned up to kiss me. I could hear Claire chuckling behind her, but didn’t care.

After that it was a matter of cleaning up the shop. It was annoying, honestly, how the most time spent on these missions were just driving, cleaning, or preparing something. Necessary, for obvious reasons, but annoying.

“Claire, thank you again so much for your help with this.” I said as we moved a few of the shelves back upstairs..

“Aw, it’s nothing.” she shrugged off.

“Really, I mean it. Let me make it up to you. Tea? Coffee?”

Claire paused and smiled back at me.

“...I’d like that. Thanks.”

When everything was said and done, Claire left for home. Siobhan and I were left standing in the shop, taking a minute to ourselves.

“...So I guess I’ll see you...whenever?” Siobhan asked.

There was a pause for thought, and something occurred to me.

“You know.. Your backpack is still at my apartment.” I lied.

Siobhan looked at me surprised. But then smiled in understanding.

“...Well I guess I better come back and get it, huh?”

“But it’s a while away… It’d be horribly late by the time we get there.” I smiled back.

“Then.. Perhaps you’d let me stay one more night?”

I kissed her gently before answering, “I would love it if you would.”

The End

#chzo mythos #trilby somerset #Siobhan O'Malley #trilbhan #rational writing #my writing #open for any reviews or critiques #holy shit how long has it been since I finally finished something I liked?#n_n

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borderlineteacher · 4 years ago

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Could you go into more detail, please, about what you're doing with WW?(If you want to, ofc) Like what do you do for meals, exercise, how many points? I currently have a similar body type as you did in 2018 and likewise have never been able to succeed with any diet plans for long. I'd love to know what you're doing because it is clearly working really well for you and maybe it would work for me too ! Thanks in advance!

Okay, this has taken me forever to get to and I apologize for that! I will try to answer as best as I can...possible TW for people who don’t appreciate weight talk. This is going to be long, and maybe it won’t answer your question exactly. But it’s something I’ve actually wanted to write about so thank you for this opportunity.

I’ve been on and off of WW since 2014. Weight has always been such a big issue for me, even if I held myself well and didn’t “look like I weighed so much”. When I began the journey I got caught in such a cycle: I would lose a minimal amount of weight across a few months (maybe 4 or 5 pounds?) and get very discouraged and therefore drop the whole program. Other people were doing better than me, I sucked at it, I’d be “fat” forever, etc. Nothing could ever fix me. I was stuck in that all or nothing mindset, either it worked or it didn’t, either I succeeded or failed. And I kept feeling like such a failure. When I would say screw it I would binge and gain back whatever little I’d lost and then some. It was always the same: on and off, lose some then gain a whole lot, feel confident then defeated, etc. For six years.

I knew the program worked. People have been so successful on WW and I knew it worked. Something in my brain was stopping me though from throwing myself into it, committing to it 100%. It was strange to me, because losing weight is something I’ve always wanted, both for vanity reasons as well as health related reasons. My various WW leaders saw me break down, some literally held me while I cried into their arms because I felt so hopeless. I kept thinking...Rivka you want this, you need this, what the hell is wrong with you? Why can’t you just follow the damn program?

This year I had a lot of health concerns come up. I was experiencing constant severe fatigue and overall body pain, I’d get out of breath just by walking up a few stairs, I was always tired and lethargic. Of course many things could contribute to that like depression and a busy schedule. But my primary doctor was concerned because of abnormal blood work and just the severity of it all. I went to a hematologist/oncologist, literally thought I was at risk for some sort of blood cancer. A lot of inconclusive tests, it was a seemingly dead end because no one knew what was wrong with me. Was it weight related? Maybe. I was in the medically obese category, my cholesterol was shit, I started blood pressure meds at age 25. I was just not in a healthy place overall, whether it had to do with the number on the scale or not.

Towards the end of February it just got to be too much for me. I had to put my foot down finally. My overall physical health was knocking me down. I often thought about dying because anything would be better than being in that much physical pain and discomfort. So I decided to recommit. I told myself that even when it felt impossible to control my binging and unhealthy ways, I had no choice but to keep at it because I honestly thought I would end up dead otherwise. I know that sounds dramatic but it is true.

So here I am, three and a half months later and 24 pounds thinner. I have a long way to go, I am nowhere near my goal weight. But I have not been at my current weight since before I initially started WW so I am thrilled with what I’ve done so far. I have never done this. Never lost this weight before and I know that something is different this time around. Something changed in my brain. Something told me that I wanted to be healthy, I had to be healthy, for my own wellbeing. Sounds obvious, I know. But my thoughts were so distorted beforehand.

It has all become second nature to me at this point. I do not eat mindlessly, I always put careful thought into what I choose to put into my body. I do not restrict food, although I must admit in the first few weeks I had that problem. Now I eat healthy foods and don’t see WW as a “diet”. I can eat whatever I want, it’s a matter of making the right choices for myself, asking myself if I am actually hungry and if I am, what is something that will satiate me right now? If I’m not actually hungry but find myself searching for a snack, I stop myself and try to figure out what is really going on.

It is a lot. But I’ve chosen to not see it as something I’m being forced to do. That is what makes it become a battle. I am doing this for myself, not because someone is forcing me to and making it unpleasant. It can actually be fun -- I’ve been cooking a lot and getting creative with different foods.

I must admit, I do not get much exercise in. When I was working and commuting I did a lot of walking, but now not so much. It is partially because of the weakness I have in my lower body due to my ankle surgery from last summer and partially because I am always busy at home. I do physical therapy twice a week through zoom which is really giving me a workout though, and strengthening the muscles that have become very weak. So that’s good. You should try to incorporate activity into your day but the bottom line is it mainly comes down to what you eat. Your body is a special thing and should be treated in a healthy and respectful way honestly.

Wow. I just rambled a lot and I apologize. I hope this at least somewhat answered your question?? Please feel free to ask follow up questions, I am more than happy to respond.

#weight watchers #weight loss #health

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