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testudoaubrei-blog · 3 years ago

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Well, it’s not quite a master’s thesis, but this is (the first of) a series of posts on why Catra and Adora are the best love story in the history of kids TV animation and maybe the greatest love story in the history of TV. This may in some ways be faint praise - romance on TV is generally not very good compared with books or movies. Often it’s just some will they/won’t they sexual tension that is defused by getting characters together and re-heightened by breaking them up. TV is full of nearly shark jumping pointless dramas like Sam and Diane (Cheers, holy fuck am I dating myself, though that was technically before my time), Ross and Rachel (Friends, which was no Cheers) etc, but also some less annoying couples like Ben and Leslie (Parks and Rec) or Amy and Jake (Bk99) who are mostly just kind of cute and fun. Other shows, like the X-Files, teased viewers for years with unresolved sexual tension. In kids shows most romances are, appropriate for their target viewers, mild, sweet relationships based more on self-conscious flirting and blushing than on complex and conflicted feelings or deep passions - which is pretty realistic when the characters are young teens or even mid-teens. Some of these relationships are really well done - Finn and Flame Princess, Dipper and Pacifica (yeah I ship them), the early stages of Katara and Aang (before the showrunners imbued this childhood crush with cosmic significance), Steven and Connie, etc. Catra and Adora, though, are different. Their love story is not a side plot or a sub plot, it’s the heart of the show. It isn’t a childhood crush, it’s a very messy and passionate relationship between two young adults. She-Ra is an emotionally complex lesbian romance just as much as it is a thrilling action/adventure show. Everything about their relationship is baked into the show’s plot, its themes, hell even its musical score. The dramatic tension between Catra and Adora is not the result of stretching out a flirtation for ratings, but a coherent dramatic arc that runs through the entire show. As Noelle said, he made Catradora so central that execs couldn’t take it out without ruining the show. And the show is better for it. In this series of posts I’m going to try to show why, as well as showing why She-Ra is such a fantastic love story.

First off, let’s talk about how Catra and Adora’s character arcs are foils for each other, and how they come together and apart through the series. This is actually a post that I’ve been working on for a while but I keep summarizing the show rather than cutting to the chase, so I’m not going to recite many plot points so much as sketch out what’s going on with the dramatic structure at the time. But also, let’s talk about what each character’s arc is saying, and how they are commenting on each other. Spoiler alert: Catra’s arc is a subversion and critique of stories of empowerment through ruthless self-assertion and revenge, while Adora’s arc is a subversion and critique of chosen one narratives and stories of self-denial and self-transcendence.

When the show starts, Adora and Catra are shown as rivals and friends - their first scene starts the recurring motif of them reaching out for each other as one of them dangles above an abyss, as well as establishing their flirtatious banter and easy camaraderie. We quickly learn that these two young women plan to conquer the world together. These scenes and later flashbacks show Catra and Adora as deeply enmeshed in each others lives, to the point where neither of them (but especially Catra) have clear identities outside of one another. There is so much genuine love on both sides before Adora leaves, but also resentment, envy and fear, especially on Catra’s side, as well as a protectiveness on Adora’s side that deprives Catra of her autonomy. They are both being abused by Shadow Weaver - Catra physically and emotionally, Adora emotionally. It wouldn’t be too much to say that Shadow Weaver holds Catra hostage to control Adora (this is why critiques that Adora abandoned Catra to be abused are actually kind of messed up, since they accept Shadow Weaver’s premise that Adora is responsible for what Shadow Weaver does to Catra). In addition, Catra and Adora actually see the world incredibly differently. Adora already sees the world in terms of right, wrong and her destiny to right wrongs - this is why it’s important for her to accept the Horde’s obvious lies - she couldn’t keep living if she didn’t. Catra, on the other hand, sees the world solely in terms of survival and personal loyalty - everything for her is about preserving herself and the person she cares about - Adora.

Then, when Adora finds the sword, she leaves because it’s the right thing to do. Catra doesn’t even have a concept of ‘the right thing to do’ being something she should care about, or perhaps, something she can care about as an irredeemably evil, awful fuck-up. So at Thaymor neither one understands where the other is coming from, and Catra and Adora begin to part. This is the first turning point in their relationship. Adora chooses duty over what she desires, Catra chooses to protect herself (such as she sees it) and nurse her sense of betrayal and abandonment.

Their relationship until Promise is a kind of weird Frenemy thing that is fascinating to watch and sold me on the show. Neither one wants to fully admit to themselves that the other is now their enemy, neither one has given up on changing the other’s mind. Each is furious at the other, and desperate to see her again at the same time. There’s a lot of heartache and just as much sexual tension, especially at Princess Prom. Both of them come alive when they fight each other (more about that in a later post). But they’re already growing apart - Adora embracing her destiny as She-Ra, Catra rising in the ranks for the Horde. Adora now has the purpose she always wanted, plus other friends and a sense of being chosen to do something great, while Catra now has power - the means to protect herself from people like Shadow Weaver as well as the vindication she had always been denied, and even the opportunity to beat Shadow Weaver at her own game.

The next turning point is Promise. Holy fuck, this episode. It’s an episode that is even more heartbreaking after you’ve watched the show because you know just how much worse things are going to get, and yet, it’s a necessary part of both of their character arcs. Even through season 1 Catra and Adora had remained very much enmeshed in each others lives in an increasingly fucked up way as they grew apart but refused to turn away from each other. Even though they aren’t -exactly- a romantic couple (Adora doesn’t recognize and acknowledge her feelings until the last episode of Season 5), Season 1 of She-Ra is one of the worst breakups I have seen on TV. As I said in a couple of previous posts, this is the kind of shit that the Mountain Goats write songs about. Everything that was poisoning their love for each other even before episode 1 bubbles to the surface and combines with them fighting on opposite sides of the war to make a truly fucked up situation. In the end, it’s Catra that makes the choice to turn away from Adora. This isn’t a -good- decision. It’s spiteful, and destructive, and based on an outright deluded understanding of their relationship (inspired by Light Hope’s manipulations and her own issues), but it’s in some ways a necessary decision. Catra has been so wrapped up in Adora for so long that she isn’t going to be able to figure out who -she- is without cutting Adora out of her life. And the same is true of Adora.

But each of them do this in about the worst way possible. Catra embraces destruction, ambition, manipulation and outright cruelty, turning the tactics of her abusers against them and against everyone around her. She first triumphs over Shadow Weaver and manipulates Entrapta into trying to corrupt Etheria itself. Meanwhile Adora ‘lets go’ and commits herself to the self-denying mantle of She-Ra. Over the next several seasons, their respective paths will nearly lead both Catra and Adora to their deaths (in the Season 4 finale).

For the next season (counting season 2 and 3 as one) Catra and Adora are still closely linked, but as enemies. Still, there’s more than enough flirtation between them (that ‘Hey Catra’ in the first episode of Season 2 is something else), and especially on Adora’s side we see her hold back with Catra, and often take responsibility for the harm Catra inflicts, just like she had when they were kids. Yet they still drift apart - after facing off every other episode in Season 1, they spend less and less time on screen together through season 2 and 3. Catra continues her ascent to power and descent into villainy while Adora becomes more of a stressed out mess as she takes the fate of the world and the wellbeing of everyone she cares about on her admittedly broad shoulders. Catra’s one moment of vulnerability is rewarded by Shadow Weaver’s betrayal and her exile, then Catra triumphs in ruthless badass fashion through sheer desperation and aggression. In the Crimson Wastes, we see Catra at her most independent, and she almost seems happy. But once Adora shows up and Catra hears about Shadow Weaver, she’s sucked back into the worst of her resentments, and she makes very clear that being happy is less important to her than making sure Adora is miserable.

This changes everything. Catra completely breaks with reality and tries to kill Adora, herself and the world rather than lose to Adora and Shadow Weaver (I do think it’s important to remember that she does that after Shadow Weaver nearly kills her). Catra betrays everyone around her when she exiles Entrapta, threatens Scopria and lies to Hordak. Then she flips the switch. When Adora tries to fix things, Catra fights to her own death to make sure that the world disintegrates with her. For her part, Adora fights first to understand what is wrong with the world and then to fix it. Finally she tells Catra that destroying the world is her choice and she has to live with it, decks her, and then sees her off with a death glare once the portal is closed. With this, Adora writes Catra off even if, as she says later, she never never hated her. By doing that, Adora casts off the guilt that had dogged her and takes responsibility for her own life rather than someone else’s - this is actually a huge step for her, and one that will become more important in Season 4.

Season 4 is in many ways the nadir of their relationship. They only see each other once during the entire season, in Fluterrina, when Adora tries to blast Catra, much to the latter’s shock. There’s a sense in that scene that Catra is trying to have the same flirtatious enmity she used to have with Adora, and Adora is having none of it. Catra almost seems hurt by this, which is an early hint at how isolated Catra is beginning to feel. Catra spends the rest of the season at her highest and lowest. On the one hand she spends most of 12 episodes winning by every standard she has ever claimed to care about, besting Hordak himself in single combat and making herself co-ruler of the Horde and coming within a day’s march of ending the Rebellion. In many ways it is the ultimate empowerment fantasy - the abused young woman has defeated her abusers, showed up everyone who doubted her and forced everyone to respect her. But I think it’s striking that the show starts with her and Adora dreaming of conquering the world together and in Season 4 Catra nearly succeeds in conquering it alone, almost like she was trying to live out her old shared fantasy while proving she didn’t need her former best friend.

At the same time, Catra is clearly miserable. She’s always been unhappy, but in Season 4 we see her completely isolated and lying to herself and everyone who will listen in a desperate attempt to justify her actions. Turning the tactics of Hordak and Shadow Weaver against them to gain power and then against Scorpia and Entrapta to maintain it haven’t vindicated Catra, they’ve made her more and more alone as Entrapta is exiled and Scorpia drifts away. Meanwhile Catra reaches out to Double Trouble, and her interactions with them reek of a kind of desperate desire to have someone in her life (the feeling of their interaction is of an unhealthy casual relationship where one partner becomes emotionally invested and the other takes advantage of that while denying the other the closeness they desire). As people leave her, one after the other, it becomes clearer and clearer that Catra doesn’t want power at all - she wants connection, friendship, love, and power is a very poor replacement. As I said in my long Catra rant, Season 4 is both her ‘Walter White as a Catgirl’ season and the beginning of her redemption. Everything comes to head when Sparkles destroys everything Catra has tried to achieve, Double Trouble delivers those harsh truths and Horde Prime shows up and makes it all irrelevant, just highlighting how futile all her struggles and sacrifices and crimes have been.

Meanwhile Adora spends Season 4 becoming her own her and her own woman. After telling off Catra, she grows more and more disillusioned with Light Hope and critical of Glimmer (though the latter has more than a shade of her old habit of taking responsibility for others - Adora’s development is not linear). She’s gained the courage and confidence to strike out her own path, not just follow a destiny. At the season’s end she once again breaks with her best friend to do what is right, and discards the destiny that she was being prepared for. But in this case she isn’t chasing one packaged destiny for another, instead she’s making her own choice and literally shattering the thing that she thought gave her life purpose. It’s badass, and heartbreaking, and along with decking Catra and jumping after Catra into the abyss (see below) it’s the perfect Adora moment.

In many ways Season 5 starts with Catra and Adora farther apart than they have ever been. They aren’t even enemies anymore, they’re completely out of each other’s lives. And both Catra and Adora are lost at the beginning of Season 5 - Catra is useless and alone on Prime’s ship, completely defeated despite ostensibly being on the winning side, and she goes through the motions of her normal plotting without any particular conviction and none of her normal flair. Meanwhile Adora is even more miserable and self-destructive than usual, throwing herself at Horde Bots and working herself until she drops of exhaustion. In a very real way they both stay lost until they have a chance to help the other. Catra takes responsibility for what she’s done and what she can do, saves Glimmer (at least partly for Adora’s sake), apologizes to Adora, and sacrifices herself. Adora only seems to come alive when she decides to turn around, face Prime, and save the cat. And when she does, Catra and Adora’s arcs, which had separated so completely in season 4, come crashing back together to end the series.

Adora during Save the Cat is such a contrast with the uncertain, hesitant and self-destructive wreck we’ve seen so far in Season 5. This is possibly her craziest plan in 3 years of mostly cazy plans, but she never wavers or questions herself. Even when Chipped Catra appears and we see Adora’s heart break while we watch, Adora doesn’t back down or relent. She keeps at it even as the tears stream down her face. She fights better trying to save Catra without She-Ra’s powers than she fought at the Battle of Bright Moon with them. Catra’s just about as desperate - we see her cry and plead, and now is probably as good a time to any to point out how amazing a job both VAs did throughout the show, but especially in this episode, and how good a job the board artists did.

Seeing each other for the first time in a year, and only the second time since Catra blew everything up, Catra and Adora are probably the rawest and least restrained we’ve ever seen them. There’s barely any banter, no bravado, and no pretense that they are anything other than two women who desperately need each other (Prime doesn’t help with ‘You broke my heart’.) Then Catra is flung to her death, Adora jumps after her, breaks both her legs in the fall (we see her crawl to Catra, as though she couldn’t walk) and becomes the real She-Ra. It’s such a triumphant and deeply queer moment seeing a woman transformed into a warrior goddess to protect the woman she loves, and it’s the reason that, as dark as it is, Save the Cat is my Comfort Food episode.

Let’s not sleep on Taking Control, though. This episode is like a microcosm of what this show does best, especially the A plot with Catra and Adora. Catra’s reversion to lashing out at everyone and her refusal to be open to Adora shows just how much of a struggle this whole ‘being good and trying to connect to people’ thing is. Catra’s outburst gives Adora a chance to stand up for herself and refuse to be Catra’s punching bag, while also not trying to control her. Adora’s ultimatum gives Catra a chance to reach out to Adora (quite literally), and allow herself to be vulnerable. In this episode, we see just how far Catra and Adora have come since the messed up stew of their relationship in Season 1. Adora lets Catra be responsible for her own actions; Catra lets herself be vulnerable to Adora and takes responsibility for her actions. They’re both better people and better friends and better partners than they were, and the show has shown this in a strikingly nuanced and realistic way.

The important thing to note in the next few episodes of Season 5 isn’t just how much closer Catra and Adora get to each other and how much they flirt (So much. So much, y’all) but just how -happy- they are. We see both of them transformed in the other’s presence. Basically, since they’ve parted, both Catra and Adora have been defined in no small part by how miserable they often are. They have both had their triumphs and their lighter moments, but there’s been a sense of melancholy dogging both Catra and Adora since episode 1. And now that they’re together again, that lifts, somewhat. Catra’s verbal barbs have lost their venom, and she can openly show how much she cares for Adora and even Bow and Glimmer. She’s still herself - snarky, cynical, somewhat devious - but she’s not engaged in a self-destructive zero-sum struggle with everyone around her. Meanwhile Adora has spent 4 seasons being a neurotic and sometimes nearly joyless mess who takes responsibility for everything and often doesn’t let herself enjoy anything other than the odd BFS group hug (exceptions include trying to uh...impress Huntara and reveling with the butterfly ladies of Elberron in Flutterina). Around Catra, though, she’s a cocky, swaggering jock who gives as good as she gets. It’s a side of Adora we’ve only seen hints of before, and one that’s so much more confident and joyful even as the world is ending around her. Apart, Catra had tried to protect and vindicate herself with power and conquest, while Adora had tried to forget herself in duty and sacrifice. Together, they can be themselves again. This dynamic is crucial to the show’s portrayal of Catra and Adora’s romance because it doesn’t just show how much they love each other, but how they’re -good- for each other now that they’ve grown as people, and that they are so much better than they were when they were apart.

Until Shadow Weaver shows up. Their old abuser reintroduces tensions but even then things are different than they were. Now Catra isn’t just resentful of how Shadow Weaver prefers Adora - she’s protective of Adora, which is clearest in Failsafe when she calls Shadow Weaver out for being willing to sacrifice Adora. And while Adora takes the Failsafe, it isn’t to follow her destiny or because she has a death wish - it’s because she loves her friends, and she is the only one who has any hope of doing this and living (though Catra’s suggestion that Shadow Weaver take it is a good one). And finally, when Catra leaves Adora, it isn’t because she hates Adora, nor, despite what she says, is it because she really thinks that Adora chose Shadow Weaver. At least, not exactly. It’s because Catra loves Adora, and can admit that to herself, and can’t stay around and watch the woman she loves sacrifice herself rather than choosing Catra. Before Catra leaves, she asks Adora ‘What do you want?” It’s a question that echoes Shadow Weaver’s speech in Episode 1: ‘isn’t this what you always wanted since you could want anything?’ As much as Adora has grown as a person, and defined herself and stood up for what she thinks is right, she still has never answered that question - it’s never been ‘what do I want’ but ‘what do I have to do?’ and that’s how Adora answers Catra’s question. This is Adora’s last gasp as a self-transcending hero, letting go of what she wants (not that she ever dared articulate what that was) in order to do what must be done. And it nearly kills her and dooms the universe, because Adora can’t be the hero that she needs to be by being anyone less than herself.

But it’s losing Catra that inspires Adora to tell off Shadow Weaver for good (not that she’d ever really warmed to her after season 1). And it’s love for Adora that inspires Catra to stand up to Shadow Weaver and demand that she do the right thing. In both cases, Catra and Adora aren’t just standing up to their abuser, but holding her to account for the harm she’s caused, and it’s the love that they have for each other that inspires them to do this. In Catra’s case in particular her refusal to let Shadow Weaver weasel out of finding Adora is a much greater triumph over Shadow Weaver than beating her up and breaking her mask in Season 1 - it’s proof not so much to Shadow Weaver but to Catra herself that Catra really is better than this and that she deserves better than this. It’s not turning her abuser’s tactics against her, but truly holding her to a moral standard and demanding that she do the right thing.

And then there’s Catra and Adora together at the heart. Catra has already come back for Adora and stayed to the end, choosing to die with her even if she can’t share a life together (not out of some death wish, but because Adora needs her). And Adora, who’s been avoiding answering the question for three fucking years, finally let’s herself want Catra when Catra finally confesses her love (breaking the last of her self-protective shields) and asks Adora to stay -for her-. And by admitting what she wants, Adora can truly be at peace with herself and be the hero she needs to be, lesbianism saves the universe, The End.

So anyway, that’s how Catra and Adora’s stories are woven together and how they compliment and comment on each other. Narrativiely, Adora and Catra start together, come apart, find something of themselves, and truly find themselves and each other when they are reunited. Thematically, they are critiquing seemingly opposing narrative tropes - empowerment narratives and narratives of self sacrifice. But by showing the flaws in both types of story and showing how neither self-seeking empowerment nor self-negating self sacrifice can actually make us happy, She-Ra asks and answers more profound questions than most prestige dramas for adults do. I’ll get into how the show sells the idea that the power of love can bring us happiness (and save the world) in a future post. But next up, I’m going to celebrate just how much Catra and Adora’s relationship revels in ambiguity, complexity and contradiction and so tells a grown up love story in a kid’s show.

#she ra #she ra spoilers #she ra adora #spop #catradora #she ra netflix #she ra and the princesses of power #goat ship #long #meta

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dizzydancingdreamer · 4 years ago

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Bubblegum Princess, Cherry Angel | Kai Parker

Hello my lovelies! 2020 is almost over, can you believe it? I sure as hell can’t! I have no idea what inspired this, I truly don’t, but it seemed only fitting to end this year off with a raunchy round of sex! Because why the fuck not! I hope you all have a safe and wonderful new years, and I can’t wait to see you all in 2021! Please enjoy loves!

Description: He smells her bubblegum lip gloss and then wonders how on earth he managed to convince an angel to let him fuck her into next week, let alone get in his truck.

Pairing: Kai Parker x Female!Reader

Warnings: THIS IS AN 18+ FIC ONLY!! Smut (terribly written smut is more accurate), nothing more than the usual but, like, it is like 7000 words of pure sex so read at your own risk

Word count: 9.2k

Tags: SMUT, FLUFF

The four hours in which it took two people to find magic within each other, all thanks to one tube of drugstore, bubblegum lip gloss.

Hour One

Her bubblegum lip gloss attacks him from all the way across the café, cutting cleanly through the aroma of coffee and donuts and sending his heart racing at the obscenely sweet scent. He should hate it. No, scratch that, he shouldn’t think anything of it at all. It’s not in his nature to enjoy things- or to feel things at all, to be frank- but he can’t help it. The drugstore brand, wildly over-scented balm makes his head fuzzy like nothing else.

Kai watches as she pours over the book in front of her, tilting his head when she scrunches her nose. She murmurs something inaudible, tapping a pen to her lip a couple times. One tap, two taps, three taps. Each time that pen touches her lip he grows more envious, his heart now very much in his throat. Does the pen know her lips taste like candy? Does it at least have the courtesy to enjoy it? He releases a breath when she finally writes something down, leaving her mouth alone.

He forces his eyes away from her and back to his own coffee. Well, the term coffee should only be loosely used here; it’s more sugar and cream than actual coffee. The sweet syrup warms his chest as he takes a sip, lighting his taste buds on fire. Maybe this is what her lips taste like. He shakes his head to clear her face from his mind- a task much more impossible than one might think- before setting the mug down and turning to the device between his fingers. A cell phone.

Kai presses the ‘on’ button, his eyes lighting up with the screen. Damon had handed it- the cell phone- to him a few days ago, muttering something about leaving the 80’s in the past where it belongs, and told him to get used to it. A little apple symbol appears and he scrunches his eyebrows. Is that supposed to be there? It disappears, replaced now by a picture of the forest he took a couple days ago. That’s better. He swipes past the lockscreen, coming to a page of little square pictures. Damon said those are called apps.

He clicks on one with a little bird- Twitter, he thinks it’s called- and opens it, scrolling a little sloppily through the page. He comes across a picture, one with a man holding a guitar, and stops to look at it for a minute. It looks like someone he used to know and he clicks on the picture to check. That looks like the same birthmark and he kind of remembers the guitar-

All of a sudden the picture starts moving and music starts blaring from the phone, filling the quiet café with an obnoxious twang. It startles Kai, his heart jumping and his cheeks much too hot, and he drops the phone on the table, a sharp bang now joining the music. He grabs at his phone frantically, feeling all the stares that are now on him as he blindly searches for the ‘off’ button and sighing in relief when the screen goes black once more. Cell phones are awful, he decides in the moment.

Kai hears soft giggles as his shoulders sag, the same bubblegum fragrance tickling his senses. The musical laughter and the sugary gloss are a lethal combination, one that taunts his senses and consumes him whole. The giggles echo in his ears, invading his head and bouncing around every nerve. He turns towards the sound- he doesn’t have a choice- and his eyes meet the girl, zeroing in on her glossy lips now wrapped around the end of her pen. He takes in her face, every curve and edge, before landing on her eyes and promptly losing his breath. Does she know she’s the prettiest woman he’s ever seen?

He smiles at her and rolls his eyes in what he can only hope is a playful way, holding up the phone and shrugging his shoulders. Her eyes draw over his face and down his arm, trailing fire over him with her very gaze before landing on the estranged device. She giggles again and Kai wishes he could grab the sound out of the air and pocket it. Is that normal? He bites his cheek as she looks back to her book, the pen still between her sweet lips. He doesn’t bother trying to answer the question; he doesn’t care.

He clicks the phone once more, this time simply to check the time. A quarter to five. He glances back at the woman, his eyes widening as she slips her book into the leather bag hanging off her chair. Shit, she’s leaving. He stands quickly, shoving his phone in his pocket and slapping a five dollar bill on the table. When he looks up again she’s at the door, her bubble gum aroma fading as she clears the threshold. He shrugs his jacket on, racing out the door to catch up with her.

The cold air bites his skin as soon as steps onto main street, his eyes scanning for the pretty girl with the worn satchel and voice like a siren. He spots her halfway down the square and doesn’t think for a moment before jogging to meet her, his chest a mess of warmth and butterflies. Her head is down, lost in the sound of her heels against the pavement and quite oblivious to the love struck puppy chasing after her. It seems that only a bark will catch her attention now.

“Hey, wait up,” Kai calls, his heart screaming in his chest, “you forgot something.”

He’s a few feet away from her now and her bubblegum scent has morphed into the sweetest mixture of maraschino cherries and candy and every, little, perfect thing he’s ever experienced. It makes his mouth water and his cheeks flush, two things which are only intensified when she turns around and her eyes light up, a soft smile taking over her supple lips.

She tilts her head at him, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, “I did?”

He almost can’t answer, the cheesy line he had already lined up on his tongue melting away at the sound of her angelic voice. Two words. Two little words and she has him completely wrapped around her perfect finger. He doesn’t understand the feeling in his chest, the way her voice makes him feel like he’s breathing for the first time in his entire life, but he doesn’t care. That’s a recurring theme with this girl.

A grin spreads across his face, his stomach twisting as he finds his words once more, “you did,” he nods, taking half a step towards her. “You forgot to let me buy you dinner.”

Her face lights up even further as she throws a hand over her lips, her giggles once more flooding his body with tingles. She looks like an angel, the way her eyes close slightly when she laughs. She must know what she’s doing to him, how when she throws her head and her neck curves against the setting sun his entire body goes stiff. His fingers squeeze at his sides, wanting nothing more than to trace over her soft skin. What is going on?

“How silly of me,” she murmurs, her pretty eyes- yes that’s all he can think, that they are the most pretty eyes he’s ever seen- dancing over his face, “how could I possibly forget to let a man- whose name I don’t know- ask me to dinner?”

His cheeks flare with heat but he can’t wipe the adoring smile off his lips, “where are my manners? I’m Kai,” her takes her hand, pulling it to his lips and stealing a few more of those delicious giggles from her throat, “and I would really like to buy you dinner.”

She hums appreciatively, a wide smile on her lips. His heart flutters rapidly when she twists her fingers into his, running her thumb over his. Every part of her is soft- gentle- and he would give anything in that moment to be able to pull her into his arms. That isn’t normal, though, he knows that much.

“Kai,” she tests his name on her tongue and his heart stops, his whole being screaming at him to beg her to say it again and again, “I like that. I’m y/n,” she supplies and the name clicks into his chest like a missing puzzle piece as she continues on her little ramble, “Kai.” She tilts her head, her eyes clouded over in thought, “something is missing, though. Is that your full name?”

His eyes widen, his chest flooding with dread at her soft inquiry, “no, actually. It’s Malachai,” he winces slightly as it rolls off his tongue- he always has hated that name- watching her closely for the moment she recoils in disgust, “I know, what were my parents thinking right? I sound like a villain-”

“I like it better,” she interrupts, her eyes catching his and her hand squeezing a tad harder, “it suits you. Malachai.” This time when she says his name he has to swallow the lump in his throat, his stomach tensing, “tell me, Malachai, do you like pizza?”

Hour Two

Her heart pounds hard in her chest as she sits in the booth across from him, his chocolate and honey scent still clinging desperately to her hand. She brushes an invisible strand of hair from her face, using the excuse to breathe him in again. He’s intoxicating, she muses to herself. Does he know he’s the most handsome man she’s ever seen? He smiles at her, his grin tugging at his red lips and sending her heart even further into overdrive. He must know.

“I hope this place has good pizza,” Kai laughs, the sound like heaven to her ears, “I haven’t actually tried it yet. If it’s awful I give you full permission to hate me.

She laughs as well- she can’t help it, she never giggles this much but he around him it’s impossible to not- pressing her hand to her mouth, “you’re lucky then; you chose my favourite restaurant. I always make sure to stop by the grill when I’m home. The pizza here is wonderful.”

That’s what she says. The pizza is wonderful. What she wants to say is that she doesn’t think she could ever hate him. That five minutes under his gaze, listening to his smooth voice and honeyed laugh, is enough to have her completely spellbound. That she’s almost certain by the time an hour passes she’ll forget every other boy she’s ever laid eyes on. What she wants to say is that she thinks he’s wonderful. But that’s not normal- not proper- so she just smiles at him.

He tilts his head, his eyes skimming over her face in a way that makes her cheeks warm, “when you’re home?”

She nods, trying to ignore the way he leans towards her slightly and how it makes her blood pump harder, “I go to school out of town. Not too far away but far enough that I have to live on campus. I actually have to head back tonight,” her heart stings for a moment, thinking about how she only just met him and now she has to leave, “I was only here for a day.”

“So I only have a few hours,” he hums, his smile like a bullet straight to her heart, “I think that’s enough time.”

His fingers slide slowly across the table, his pinky skimming her hand. It’s the simplest of touches- just a brush of his skin against hers- but it’s like she can feel all of him through it. She can feel his hands skimming her body, every inch of it, in intricate detail, as if she’s been in this very moment before and her muscles can recall each of his. It only increases when he grins, no doubt catching the way she sucks in a breath. The sinful twist of his lips strikes something in her. She has felt those lips on her, perhaps not in this life but definitely in another. She can feel it.

She’s breathless, the phantom feeling of his mouth on hers consuming her completely even as she speaks, “enough time for what?”

He slips his fingers between hers and she sighs, the feeling of their hands fitting so perfectly together overwhelming, “enough time to make you fall in love with me, obviously.”

Her mouth falls open and he laughs again, pulling her arm across the table and kissing her knuckles once more. Too late, she wants to scream, you don’t need an hour. She pulls her bottom lip between her lip, artificial bubblegum bursting across her tongue. His lips on her skin is too much; too much and not enough all at the same time. How is that even possible?

She doesn’t need to ask herself the question again. No, this isn’t normal. Nothing about how she feels right now is normal. Not the way she wants to wrap her arms around Kai, not the way she feels like she knows him already, and especially not how she’s dreading leaving this town when normally she wants to run as far away from it as possible. The most not-normal thing about it all, though, is the way she wants to tell him each and every one of those things. She wants to grab his face, run her fingers through his gorgeous hair, and tell him everything she’s feeling right now.

But she can’t so instead she whispers, “what if I make you fall in love first, Malachai?”

Kai squeezes her hand tighter, his legs tangling with hers under the booth. His lips part, his tongue darting out and wetting his lips. Her heart hammers in her chest as she watches, ridiculously jealous at the notion of not getting to taste him in the same way. Her body floods with heat when his eyes twinkle, a response dancing on the very same, traitorous tongue, but before he can answer their waiter arrives, setting down a large pizza and turning to face her. He has blonde hair and an easy smile, one that would send most girls reeling. Matt Donovan. She remembers him from high school; he was a good kid but they never really ran in the same social circles. She doesn’t regret not knowing him, his group is part of the reason she left this town.

“Alright, one pizza. Is there anything else I can get for you,” he smiles at her and her heart doesn’t hammer anymore, it slows.

She tightens her fingers around Kai’s, her voice less melodic than moments ago, “no, this is great thank you.”

Matt nods, stalling a moment and smiling at her. She can feel Kai tense, his legs stilling against her own. Her eyes dart between the two and she catches the way his eyes narrow at the blonde, his head tilting as if calculating what he should do. His chocolate scent increases, if that’s even possible, wrapping around her like a blanket as he sits up straighter. Matt doesn’t even look at him, his eyes focussed on her and her alone.

“You sure I can’t get you anything else?”

She nods but before she can speak Kai answers, his voice clipped but a smile on his lips regardless, “actually,” his eyes lower to the nametag on Matt’s chest, “Matt, we’d love a box.”

Matt’s eyebrows scrunch and she giggles, a tad confused but deeply invested in the cruel twang to Kai’s voice. She meets his eyes, pulling her lip once more between her teeth and swallowing her heart that has crawled it’s way into her throat. Something about the way he’s holding himself- the way he taunts the boy she went to school with only a few years ago- makes her feel alive. Who would have thought that the bubblegum princess would get such a thrill from watching the devil go head to head with the boy next door?

“A box?” she has to stifle another giggle, not wanting to appear rude despite how much joy she’s feeling.

Kai nods, “please, and the check. We really should get going now.”

Her heart thrums, wondering what on earth he’s up to. She doesn’t care. It’s starting to become a recurring theme with this boy; how little she cares about anything but being in his presence. Each second that passes she falls deeper into something she can’t explain. Her heart jumps when Kai’s eyes meet hers, his smile softening from the malicious grin that he had been aiming at Matt. She shakes her head lightly, nudging his foot under the table and rubbing her calf against his.

“Alrighty,” Matt grumbles, “I’ll get that for you right now.”

She watches as he walks away, turning back to the man across from her with a grin on her glossy lips, “how am I supposed to fall in love with you when you don’t even feed me?”

He laughs, tugging her hand to his mouth. She’s starting to think that her hand belongs there, pressed against his lips for eternity. Every time his lips swipe across her knuckles she swoons, sparks tingling up her arm. If his lips feel this good against her hand then they must feel even better- no, nevermind that.

“You can eat in the car,” he suggests, his eyes searching hers as he draws another knuckle to his mouth and nipping lightly with his teeth.

The feeling of his teeth scraping against her skin sends her reeling, a shiver racing up her spine as she registers his words. In the car. She presses her lips together. What does that mean?

“Malachai?”

“Let me drive you back to school.”

Hour Three

Kai watches her steal the last piece of pizza and laughs, tossing the box into the back of his truck and pulling her closer on the bench seat. She tangles her fingers through his free hand and his heart explodes in his chest. His eyes lock on the road again but his thoughts are stuck on the beautiful girl beside him whose hands are wrapped around his arm. She clings to him, her bubblegum and cherry and just plain irresistible scent invading his senses. She leans her head against his shoulder, rubbing her cheek against his jacket, and he forgets that she hasn’t been in his life more than three hours.

They’ve been driving for an hour, laughing and talking as the sun set. She’s told him about her major, about the books she reads and her parents. She’s spouted all the lines of her favourite movies and listed her favourite cities in order even though she’s only been to a couple. He, in turn, has told her about his favourite song. He told her about the time he broke his leg and how he isn’t usually like this. How he’s never like this. She agreed with that, taking the opportunity to tell him how focussed she usually is. He didn’t mind when she spoke over him. Had it been anyone else he would have but he could listen to her talk for ages. She makes hours feel like minutes- like seconds- and every sign they pass he gets more and more desperate. He doesn’t want to leave her. He wants more of the minute-like hours.

“What’s your favourite color,” she mumbles, running her nose over his arm.

He’s never understood why people care about favourite colors. It’s just so trivial, the answer always changing, that it’s never made sense to him. Is it possible to have a favourite color? He doesn’t think so. For some reason though, when she asks him and her voice goes high at the end of the question- as if she’s truly dying to know his favourite color- his heart stammers, not wanting to mess up the answer. He glances at her, his eyes finding her bubblegum cherry lips. Maybe he has a favourite color after all.

“Red,” Kai responds, running his thumb over her wrist and smiling when she shivers against him, “my favourite color is red.”

She hums appreciatively, her voice bouncing around the cab of his truck, “I like red too. It’s not my favourite though.”

Her fingers untangle from his, her hand landing on his thigh, using him for balance as she tucks her legs underneath her. Kai sucks in a breath at her touch, a tingle shooting up his spine. Her innocent eyes peer into his, no doubt still thinking about colors without a care in the world. His mind, on the other hand, couldn’t be further away from the color wheel.

“Why’s that,” he forces out, his voice gravelly, “what’s your favourite color?”

“Black,” she answers and for a moment he doesn’t think about her hand still curled around his thigh, “I think I like the color black.”

He scrunches his eyebrows. Black. He wouldn’t have pegged her for a dark colors kind of girl. Every part of her screams light. Goodness. She seems like the type of girl who likes laying in the sun and eating ice cream on hot days and filling the bath with more bubbles than water. No, she doesn’t seem like she is; he knows she is. He doesn’t have to ask her to know that she is the complete opposite of him.

Kai can’t stop himself from asking, “why the color black?”

She moves her hand back to his arm, wrapping both of her arms around his, and he lets out a sigh of relief. Well, relief mixed with frustration. He didn’t want her hand gone, he wanted it higher. He’ll take her wrapped around him though, it’s just as good. It’s better. He can think of a hundred different ways he would like this woman wrapped around him.

She presses her lips to his shoulder and he wishes the stupid jacket would just burn, “because it suits you. I didn’t think I liked it before today but now I think there’s something beautiful about it.”

Kai’s hand finds her thigh, his heart pounding fiercely, “the color?”

She gasps lightly when he squeezes, a sound that hits him straight in the gut. He does it again, this time harder, and she presses her forehead against his shoulder, her soft moan tumbling against him. His hand tightens on the steering wheel at the sound. He has no idea how he managed to get an angel into his truck. How he convinced her that he was good enough to sit this close to her; good enough to hold her in his hands and hear her pleasure.

“The darkness,” she whispers, her voice hitching when his hand slides higher, “I didn’t think I would like the darkness this much.”

He digs his fingers into her jean-clad skin, reveling in her warmth and the way she squeezes her thighs around his hand. He bites his cheek, barely containing his own moans. She’s not even touching him and yet the sound of her voice alone has him so close. His eyes read the next sign, sucking in a harsh breath. Ten more minutes and she’ll be out of his truck.

Kai looks over at her- perhaps for what will be one of the last times- forcing a sharp smile to his lips, “this darkness is nothing, princess.” His voice is hoarse, his words soft but pained, “it’s just a glimpse. I don’t think you would like the real thing as much.”

He watches as her eyes widen, her mouth falling open a touch. Exactly, he thinks to himself, now you’re starting to get it. He clenches his jaw, going to move his hand from her heavenly thigh when she stops him, her hands closing around his wrist. His shoulders- among other things- tense as she drags his fingers to settle directly between her legs, using her hand to guide his motions and arching into his touch. Holy fucking shit.

“Princess what-” Kai tries to process his thoughts clearly but he can’t; the heat seeping from her and her fingers pushing his to rub against her are much too demanding for him to form a coherent sentence.

The sign for her university comes into focus as he rubs his fingers harder against her. A soundtrack of her moans fills the cab of his truck, her hands wrapping like a vice against his arm as she presses her face once more against his shoulder. He curses, breathing in her sugary aroma, his chest flooding with heat. All he can think about is how he has to park this damn car before he crashes and doesn’t get to experience more of the exquisite creature next to him. She rolls her head back onto the seat, spreading her legs further for him, her hands never leaving his arm.

“Just try me, Malachai.”

Hour Four

She moans as Kai’s hands find the button of her jeans, the tires of his truck screeching as he finally pulls into her dorm’s parking lot. As soon as he shifts the gears into park she’s on him, grabbing the collar of his jacket and pulling his lips to her own. God, she was right, he tastes chocolate and mint gum. He groans into her mouth, one of his hands finding her hip and pulling her onto his lap while the other goes to her neck, pushing her lips against his. She presses against him, rocking against the hard bulge in his jeans and gasping against his mouth.

“Malachai,” she murmurs, her hands sliding through his silky hair, “I need you.”

He wraps his arms around her back, pressing his chest against hers and backing her into the steering wheel. Her heart thunders when his lips meet her jaw, nipping at her skin before sliding back to her lips and pulling her bottom lip between his teeth.

“Fuck,” her body lights up at the throaty tone of his voice, “are you sure, princess?”

She nods, the words lodging in her throat as Kai’s lips trace to her neck, his tongue flattening against her pulse point. She’s sure alright. She’s never been more sure of anything. She wraps her hands around his back, clawing at his shoulders and mewling at his skilled lips. She tugs at his jacket, trying her best to convey her need for the material to disappear. The girl is rarely speechless but right now, when she needs her voice the most, it’s as if it’s nowhere to be seen.

“Off, please get it off,” she finally murmurs against his lips, her hands splayed hard against his jaw as he shrugs the jacket off, “I need to feel you.”

Kai’s fingers curl around the hem of her shirt, sliding underneath and around her back, his fingers digging into her spine deliciously. She rocks higher on his lap, her lips finding his throat and sucking his warm skin into her mouth. She runs her tongue against the hollow of his throat, smiling when he bucks his hips against her. Tingles shoot through her as he brushes against her and she lets loose another moan into his skin.

“More,” she fumbles, seeing stars behind her eyelids, “I need more. I need all of you, right now. Please.”

She doesn’t even know what she’s saying; she just knows if he doesn’t make love to her soon she’s going to literally combust. She slides her hands down Kai’s chest, her fingers slipping beneath his shirt and glimpsing at his hard muscles. Her fingers explore slightly and she reels when he tenses under her, a breathy moan of his own joining hers.

He crushes her against him, his head falling against the seat, “angel, I will do whatever the fuck you want me to but not in my truck.” His hand slides to her ass, squeezing so hard her core clenches, his name slipping from her lips, “I am not about to let just anyone watch me fuck you into next week. That’s mine and mine alone.”

She can hear exactly what he means; you’re mine and mine alone. It sends another wave of heat coursing over her, her core clenching again, harder, and she nods furiously against his neck, “my room. Now!”

He laughs, pulling his keys from the ignition and opening the door. She giggles with him, sliding out of the truck and all but dragging him with her. He kicks the door shut, his arms wrapped around her stomach and his face buried in the side of her neck. She squeals gleefully when he lifts her, her back pressed against his chest as he kisses the side of her neck and spins her around. The cold air nips at her stomach, exposed from where her shirt rides up.

“Malachai,” she whines, her hand sliding behind her and into his hair, tugging a tad harshly, “please hurry, baby.”

“You’re no fun, angel,” he murmurs against her skin but sets her down nonetheless.

She wraps her hands around his arm, tugging him to jog after her, her giggles spilling into the night, no doubt waking up some of the other students as she leads him through the campus. She doesn’t care, she hasn’t felt this free in ages. He laughs with her and the sound of his joy exhilarates her, lighting her whole being up with a dangerous kind of fire. It weighs down her limbs, pooling in her stomach and soaking her jeans. His hand links with hers, his fingers squeezing hers as her body tingles. She’s so close to her dorm she can taste it- taste him and everything he’s going to do to her- and she hurries quicker.

She tugs him around a corner and he stops abruptly. Her heart jumps in her throat, wondering for a moment if he’s changed his mind. When she turns to look at him, though, his dark eyes pour over her, his lip pulled between his teeth. He looks like he wants to take her right here on the stoop of a dorm that isn’t her own. She squeezes her thighs, trying to ignore the part of her that reels at the thought.

“Kai-”

He pushes her against the brick of her dorm building, his mouth slamming against hers, his tongue slipping between her lips, “Malachai, princess. That’s my name. Say it.”

She moans at his soft and stern tone, grinding her hips against his the best she can, “Malachai, I need you.”

He nods against her lips, his hands wrapping around her hips and pulling her up his body. She wraps her legs around him, sighing when he pushes her harder into the wall with his hips, pressing his hard length against her covered core and moaning into her mouth. His scent consumes her, lingering in her chest when he pulls back, his eyes consumed by darkness. Her heart thunders when his nostrils flare, her thighs clenching around him at the sight of his flushed cheeks.

“What room number,” he pants, grinding his hips and sending another relentless wave of heat racing through her.

She presses her mouth against his, her tongue lapping at his minty lips, “I’m in 102.” She tugs his bottom lip, pulling a heated groan from his chest, “it’s just a few doors down. Please, Malachai.”

She kisses down the side of his throat as Kai searches for her room, running her nose along his warm skin and sinking as far into his arms as possible. She tugs the key out of her bag when he slows, leaning away from him to unlock the door before turning the knob and all but falling into her room. She giggles as they stumble, pushing the door shut quickly and throwing her keys to the floor. No need for those anymore.

He tosses her on her bed and she can’t help but giggle at the feeling of her plush blanket, knowing soon it will be brushing her bare back as he slides into her. He makes quick work of her heels, pulling them off and tossing them to the side. She winces when she hears them clunk somewhere in her room- that loud sound better not have been one of them breaking, Kai- but is soon distracted when he kicks his own boots off, kneeling on the bed and crawling towards her. The bed sinks at his knees and her body thrums in anticipation.

As soon as he’s within arms reach she grabs him, her fingers twisting in his t-shirt as she hauls his body over hers. Well, she tells herself that she’s the one who brings him closer. In reality it’s he who complies, letting her command him in whichever way she so pleases. He leans down, finding her mouth and kissing her hard, lowering some of his weight onto her. She moans, pressing back against him and wishing that his clothes would just vanish already, their mutual affinity for jeans starting to become a problem.

“Angel, fuck,” he murmurs as her hands slide once more under his shirt and he grabs her fingers, pulling her wrists above her head, “I need permission right now before we keep going. Yes; I fuck you. No; we cuddle. I am more than fine with both options.” One of his hands slides down her belly and wraps around her hips, fire flaring everywhere he touches, “what’ll it be, princess?”

He hovers over her, his gray eyes soft on hers. For the first time tonight she can see them clearly and her breath hitches, an unexpected wave of emotion flooding her chest at the way he’s looking at her. All that talk about darkness and he’s anything but. She yanks her arms from his hand, instead loosely hanging them around his neck. She arches her chest as close to him as she can, feeling each layer of clothes between them in agonizing detail.

“As wonderful as cuddles sound,” she tangles her legs around his hips, pulling his hardness back to her heat, “I really need you to fuck me.”

A wicked grin settles over Kai’s face, his lips drawing to her ear and pulling the lobe between his teeth, tugging hard, his words sending shivers through her body, “then I think it’s high time these clothes go, don’t you?”

She nods, her voice choosing once more to vanish at the most inopportune moment. He pulls her onto her knees, his lips brushing her jaw softly as his hands find the hem of her shirt for the last time, dragging it slowly up her stomach and over her chest before finally discarding it next to the bed. His fingertips draw over her skin lightly, his pinkies grazing the valley of her breasts and his thumbs smoothing over her collarbones. Even the slightest touch makes her clench, knowing he’ll soon be putting those fingers to good work.

She thanks the heavens for a moment that she thought to put on a nice bra, her body flushing with heat when Kai sucks in a breath at the blue lace barely concealing her peaked nipples. His hands circle her waist, his thumbs trailing fire over her soft skin. He darts his tongue out again against his bottom lip, watching her breasts rise and fall with her breaths like a starved man. If a look could ever make someone come on the spot it would be this one. She takes a sharp breath, her chest swelling, the cups of her bra stretching, and his eyes darken.

“Fucking hell, you really are an angel, aren’t you?” he slides his hands up her ribcage, over the flimsy material covering her and flicking her hard nipples, his mouth falling open in a half smile at her breathy sounds, “my angel.”

She gasps, her eyes as wide as saucers, and Kai smiles, fully, his eyes flitting to hers as he does it again, watching her face as his fingers lazily sweep back and forth over her buds. Each brush of his fingers sends a jolt of electricity straight to her core, her body tensing at each pinch. Her hands jut out, grabbing onto his shoulders as to not fall over from the sensation. She squeezes her thighs, rubbing her jean clad legs together in her best attempt to quell the raging fire but it’s useless. Only he can put it out and he knows it, chuckling- a sound like ice cream melting on a hot day; slow and sweet- at her sweet agony before finally slipping behind her back, his fingers finding the clasp of her bra.

“Perhaps I should leave this on, hmm?” Kai teases and she whines, arching her back into his hand. “Watch the way you bounce,” he leans down, his mouth capturing one of her nipples through the lace, his tongue hot and wet against her, “the way the lace pulls.” His teeth find the edge of the cup gently, careful not to ruin it as he drags it over her chest. She jolts when his lips graze her nipple directly, a small taste of his electricity, “what do you think angel?”

As soon as her breast is free from the lace she digs her fingers through his hair, desperately pushing his face back to her chest, “please take it off.”

He laughs, his hot breath fanning her bud as his fingers pull at the hooks behind her back, finally releasing her from the suddenly constricting material. She hears it hit the floor but she doesn’t watch where it lands, her eyes locked on Kai’s as he lowers his mouth back to her nipple, his other palm sliding up her ribs to tease her other breast. His hair tickles her skin as he flicks his tongue over her, his fingers imitating the same sensation, twisting and flicking her peaked bud in time to the laps of his mouth. Her stomach twists, her core dripping from the stimulation.

“Malachai,” she pleads, her fingers tugging at his hair, trying to find his eyes desperately, “please more. I need more.”

Kai tugs her nipple between his teeth, biting harshly and pulling a small hum of pleasure from her lips as waves of heat attack her body, “patience, angel.” He runs his tongue over her burning bud, soothing her skin once more, “I want you to feel everything. I want you to remember it- me.” He kisses across her chest, pressing his lips gently against her sternum, “every kiss-” he bites at her breast, sucking her skin roughly into his mouth, sending another jolt through her core, “every bite.” His hands drag down her stomach, lazily drawing circles as he teases the waistband of her jeans, “I want you to think about me in every class, I want my name to be the only thing you can say when you go to answer a question. That will take patience-” he kisses her stomach, his tongue dipping against her bellybutton and his fingers grazing the lace under her jeans, “but I think maybe these can go.”

She moans her agreement, the sound tearing from her throat as she nods, most likely once a coherent thought but now just a mess of want- of need. Kai quickly pops the button of her jeans, his fingers digging into the waistband and yanking, tugging her pants down in a way that very much goes against his wish for slow. She lifts her hips from the bed, helping him as much as she can to get the damn pants off. He chuckles as she writhes, each gentle laugh zeroing in on her now barely covered core and sparking little fires across her clit. The sound of the material finally pooling on her floor is like music to her ears but her eyebrows furrow when she looks at him, still completely clothed.

She sits up on her elbows, biting her lip, “come here,” she coos, her voice breathy and her chest heaving, “please, Malachai. C’mere,” she sighs when he complies, her fingers twisting his shirt when he settles between her thighs, “this should have come off ages ago.”

She clenches her bare thighs around his own jean covered legs, mewling as the rough material scratches deliciously at her skin.

“Of course, angel,” his nose skims over her neck as she pulls the material from his body, his voice low and teasing, her fingers gliding over the hard dips of his abdomen, “where are my manners.”

She hums happily- a kitten purring from some much needed attention- as he pushes her back, his sculpted stomach now fully on display for her viewing pleasure as the soft blanket tickles her bare skin. His attention is now focused on the matching, blue lace that is not even trying to conceal her core. Kai slides off her bed, kneeling beside her, and her mind races, her heart thumping hard in her chest. What are you-

Her thoughts are interrupted when his hands dig into her hips, tugging her so that her legs dangle off the bed. He spreads her thighs, his eyes latched on hers as he leans down, kissing the inside of her thigh much too lightly. Her fingers dig into the comforter as he pulls her legs over his now bare shoulders, his hot skin soothing her aching muscles. He plants another gentle kiss on her other thigh and she almost screams- do something Kai, do anything, please- her breath ragged as she watches his lips crawl closer to the soaked lace. She digs her heels against his back, hoping to spur him closer to her.

He runs his nose along the lace, straight down her clit and she gasps, the sensation like lava flowing through her veins, “Kai!”

He flicks his head up, squeezing her hips harder, “what did I already say about that, angel,” he kisses under her belly button, purposefully avoiding her throbbing nub, “what’s my name?”

His gray eyes are wild, filled with a hunger that makes her clench around her emptiness.

She digs her heels harder against him as his teeth tug at the lace, his name a delicious moan on her tongue, “Malachai.”

“Very good,” he praises, “you’re so good for me, baby.”

She moans again as he strikes gold, no response to the name other than pure lust filling her body. His hands tug at her panties, finally pulling the last article of clothing- if a piece of sheer lace even counts as clothing- from her body, exposing her pulsing clit to the cool air of her room. He sucks in a breath, leaning down to blow warm air against her, spreading her legs even further. She throbs, watching as he finally lowers his mouth, his tongue licking a stripe directly to her core and planting stars behind her eyes.

“Fuck, baby,” he moans, more to himself than her, his muscled arms wrapping around her thighs and crushing her to him, “I was right you taste like fucking candy. So damn sweet.”

He dives back against her, his hot tongue flicking her bud back and forth. Waves of white fire pour through her, compressing together in the pit of her stomach. Her fingers dig into the sheets, tugging at the plush comforter because she knows if she runs her fingers through Kai’s hair she might just rip it out. Her back arches, her breasts greeting the air as Kai’s tongue swipes straight to her core again, dipping into her heat before going back to her clit sucking hard.

He moves one of his hands between her legs, his fingertips lazily circling her entrance as he continues to devour her, “so wet for me, baby. From the moment I first touched you,” he muses, his eyes finding hers over the arch of her sternum and swell of her breasts, “it’s like you knew I was coming.”

“Maybe I did,” she pants, squeezing her thighs around the man buried between her legs, letting out a strangled gasp when he sinks one of his fingers into her, “maybe ever since I locked eyes on you-” another gasp, this time from him pushing a second finger in and curling them both- “I’ve wondered how I’m going to forget you.”

He curls his fingers faster at her words, sucking that much harder on her nub. His eyes stay latched on hers, dark and determined. The ball of fire grows dangerously as his fingers brush over a spot- the spot- and she groans, her hand finding his hair. She doesn’t care anymore, tugging harshly on his silky hair and pushing his face as close to her as she can, grinding against his lips as her whole body starts to tingle. It’s like someone replaced her veins with fluorescents and Kai’s tongue is the outlet.

“Well maybe,” Kai curls his fingers and her body jolts, teetering on the sweet edge of nothingness, “baby,” his voice is just this side of taunting, his tongue finding a tortuous rhythm, “I don’t want you to forget me.”

He curls his fingers one more time and she falls- quite possibly in more than one way- over the edge, an earth shattering orgasm tearing through her entire body, “fuck, Malachai!”

Her body trembles in his arms, his fingers still twisting inside her, his mouth still latched to her, sucking and licking until she comes down from her high. She sinks back into her comforter, entirely spent and limbs heavy, his name still a moan on her lips. Her heat throbs, clenching and unclenching as she watches him stand. Maybe she isn’t so tired after all. She pushes her heels into her bed, crawling back towards her pillows as his hands find his belt, making quick work of the leather. He doesn’t bother pulling it from the loops, he just hooks his fingers in his jeans, his taut muscles heaving as he shoves his clothes off in one steady push.

She moans as her eyes land on everything he’s been keeping from her, her mouth watering at the sight of his thick, hard shaft bouncing slightly against his abs. She sinks back against her pillows, her toes curling at the thought of him- what was it Kai said? Oh, right- fucking her into next week. She stretches her arm out, her eyes lidded in anticipation and her nipples peaking once more, and curls her fingers at him. Come here, she almost screams, come burn yourself into my very being. She’s doing her best to remain composed but her skin is flushed, the feeling of his lips still fresh on her body, and her core aches to be filled with something more than his fingers.

He kneels on the bed once more, his lips tilted and his eyes dark, and he crawls back to her body. He grabs her thighs when he reaches her, pushing her knees to her chest and baring her core him, stretching her muscles deliciously. She grabs his shoulders, digging her fingers into his warm skin and tugging him to hover over her, her legs pressed between them. His shaft presses against her still sensitive clit and she hisses, giggling slightly from the stimulation.

“Angel,” Kai murmurs, his lips pressing against hers as he rocks his hips against her, his tip teasing her entrance, “fuck, just tell me you don’t want to forget me.” He pushes in a few inches and she gasps, cooing at the way he’s already stretching her walls, “tell me you’re mine-” he pushes further, his eyes locking on hers and making her core tighten, her fingers digging harder into his skin. “Tell me you’re mine even if you’re lying.”

He pushes all the way into her, his thighs pressed against hers and his hand shoved into the pillows beside her head, keeping him from falling against her. She feels the most full she’s ever felt, her heat pulsing as he gives her a moment to adjust. She can feel each breath he takes, each slight bump of his hips as he holds himself back, each twitch inside her like he’s a lit match and her body is a temple about to be burned to the ground. She shifts against him and a line of fire zings straight from her bellybutton, a tremor of pleasure shocking her heart. Burn me, please, she chants in her head.

“How could I forget about you?” She breathes, her mouth falling open when he slowly pulls back, only to snap his hips back into hers, driving himself deeper than the first time, “why would I- ah,” Kai presses his chest against her knees, pushing her further into the mattress and leaning on his forearms, circling his hips and stealing the air from her lungs, “I’m yours, Malachai.” She resigns, her train of thought long gone, “all yours.”

“Absolutely right, baby,” he growls, pulling out of her again and slamming back into her as soon as the words are out of her mouth, “mine.”

His hand grabs her knee, pulling her legs apart to wrap around him as he settles into a faster pace. She wraps her arms around his neck, her fingers anchoring in his hair and tugging his lips to hers. She squeezes her thighs around his hips, her toes curling from his bruising pace, whining when he almost pulls all the way out of her once again before thrusting back. She arches her spine, her chest bouncing against his as he circles her arm around her back, pulling her flush against him.

She drags a hand down Kai’s back, her nails digging against his skin and drawing a sinful moan from him. His lips latch on to her jaw as he thrusts harder into her, his arm sliding behind her neck and holding her closer, “fuck, you’re so tight-”

He lifts to his knees, bringing her with him and shifting the angle of his thrusts, his shaft brushing the same spot from before. She lets go of his shoulders, falling back into her pillows to grip her fuzzy sheets for dear life. She can feel the fire from before start building again, only this time hotter, and she rocks back against him, doing her best to match his pace but it’s impossible. He has her legs around his waist still, her bottom half clean off the mattress as he pounds her top half into the pillows; there is nothing for her to do but let the pleasure wash over her.

Kai pulls her leg further up his chest, hanging it from his shoulder as he smirks, tugging his lip between his teeth, “if only you could see how pretty you look princess, all stretched out for me.” She clenches at his words, the ball of fire pulsing dangerously, and he tightens his hand on her thigh, his eyes going dark, “do you like it when I praise you baby?” His voice is throaty and she can feel him twitch, just as close to coming undone as she is, and her walls clamp around him harder this time, “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“More,” she begs, screwing her eyes shut and letting the sound of his voice push her closer to the cliff, “tell me more. Please!”

He sucks in a sharp breath, his hips slamming impossibly harder against hers, brushing that magical spot relentlessly. His fingers slide down her leg, dragging through her folds to find her throbbing nub, circling his fingers lightly and drawing a strangled scream from her lips.

“And what should I tell you, hmm?” He presses harder against her clit, his fingers picking up the pace to keep time with his increasingly sloppier thrusts, “should I tell you that you look exquisite wrapped around my cock?” She moans, his words making white flash behind her eyes, her core squeezing and sending the first taste of her second orgasm spiraling through her, “that I can’t wait to flip you over in a minute and make you cum again,” her legs jerk, the second wave so much more intense than the first, so much more earth shattering, “and again,” he pushes into her one last time, throwing them both over the edge, “and again, angel.”

Her whole body splinters when he empties himself into her, meeting her release with his with a shuddered breath. She can’t even scream his name- god, she certainly tries though- the white, hot pleasure coursing through her veins, stirring a new life into her bones, only allows her to whisper it. Mouth it over and over again as he collapses against her sticky chest. Fuck, Malachai. He pulls out of her and she hisses, swallowing the last wave of electricity as she stretches her bones, delighting in the careful pop of her joints.

“Fuck,” Kai rolls onto his back, his eyes shut and his mouth wide open, “that was-” he props himself up on his elbow, his eyes now open and swimming over her face, “that was just wow, baby. Fucking wow.”

She giggles breathlessly, her legs jelly as she turns to him, reaching her arms out. Her body still craves him, her skin aching to press against his in a way she’s never experienced. He wastes no time scooping her up, wrapping an arm behind her knees and pooling her on his chest. His other hand glides up her spine, his fingers pressing hungrily into her flesh. Her thighs slip around his hips as she sinks against his chest, her face finding the crook of his neck. His hands work at the kinks in her shoulders and she shivers, her body starting to light up again.

“Fucking wow,” she agrees as she presses her lips against his throat, squeezing her thighs as his fingers draw lower again, swiping over the dip at the base of her spine as she murmurs a soft, “you don’t have to leave yet, do you?”

Kai’s body tenses under hers and her heart stutters, her chest stinging- oh, maybe he does.

“If you do though that’s okay,” she rushes out quickly, pushing her hands against his chest to put some distance between the two of them, “I don’t want to keep you if you, uh, have places to be, I guess-”

He tightens his arms around hers, sitting up quickly, keeping her in his arms as he does so, “I have nowhere to be but here.” He presses his lips against hers and she sighs, reveling in his slightly salty taste, “nowhere I want to be but here, princess”

She nods, brushing her nose against his, “okay.”

Her fingers tangle through his matted hair and he sighs, leaning down to brush her back. Okay. It’s not what she wants to say- something more along the lines of please never leave- but she can settle for it for now. She shifts to straddle his thighs better, pressing her chest against him and sighing at the growing electricity. Round three it is. When she kisses him back she can swear she tastes a hint of her bubblegum gloss on his lips.

“Okay,” he agrees.

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felixnation · 4 years ago

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THE TOP 10 WORST KPOP SONGS OF 2020

(WARNING: I DON’T LIKE THESE SONGS AND WILL BE MEAN AT THEM. I DO NOT HAVE ANY PERSONAL BEEF WITH ANY OF THESE GROUPS OR ARTISTS SO DON’T COME FOR ME IF YOUR FAVE MADE A STINKER TRACK THIS YEAR.)

Ah, 2020. The year where disco came back, the 80s came back, and everyone was titling their songs after nonsense words. It was a good year for k-pop overall, with a lot of new trends entering the game towards the end of summer. However, there were some real clunkers that refused to get out of my head this quarantine and pissed me off to varying degrees each time I heard them. This list is an attempt to chronicle all of those.

So without further ado, let’s get this shit done.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

NCT 127 - PUNCH This isn't actually a bad song, hence it only making it to the honorable mentions section. In fact, I think this could've easily made the best list had it not been for one thing, and that's the presence of NCT 127, namely their rap line. The instrumental on this thing is absolutely killer and one of the best productions to come out of SM in a long time. The entire thing is bizarrely structured and incredibly gutsy, and therefore I think it's a travesty that an instrumental this incredible was drowned in ASMR-esque whispers and EYYYY WE BALLINs. There are a few salvageable sections, namely the first post-chorus, and we see glimmers of NCT 127's true potential, should they choose to explore this sound further.

CIGNATURE - NUN NU NAN NA Similar to Punch, I admire the production choices here - there are a few sections that blast you with 100gecs-esque womps, and that's always something I enjoy. The vast majority of the song rarely dips below decent territory, but since the entire thing hinges on the titular hook, it ends up falling apart right when it needs to bring the hype the most. I mean, building a hook around those notes was...an interesting choice, I guess. It reminds me a lot of fromis_9's FUN!, which also constructed the entire song around a terrible set of notes. Listen to them yell that hook at you and tell me it doesn't sound off. Most frustrating song of 2020.

ONG SEONG WU - GRAVITY Have you ever heard a drop this weak? I sure haven't. I hate the way he says DIVING INTO YOUR LOVE, the over-enunciation kills me and there's one syllable too many. Also, thanks Ong Seong Wu for giving CRAVITY the promo they deserve.

BTS - FLY TO MY ROOM I can't relax while listening to this, the beat is so sparse and has this nauseous sway to it that really makes me feel like I'm reliving these past 9 months of quarantine all over again. And just like quarantine, it really feels like this goddamn thing never ends. That final set of choruses is really a chore to get through, and I'm not the only one who thinks so - shout out to Taehyung for serving taste and I'm sorry Jimin convinced you to sing out of your natural range yet again.

TREASURE - MMM Ew.

I*ZONE - FIESTA It's a pretty standard girl group song up until that chorus hits and oh my god, who on earth produced this? Are they actively trying to trigger my psychosis? There are so many sounds happening that it feels like three or four demo tracks laid on top of each other, it makes me confused even trying to figure out what's going on here. And that post-chorus drop is horrendous, it's like the instrumental is literally screaming into my ear STREAM BLOOM*IZ!!! STREAM BLOOM*IZ YOU DUMB CUCK!!! YOU LOVE IT!!!

NOW FOR THE REAL LIST.

#10: TAEYEON - HAPPY

I do not like this. Taeyeon has one of the most powerful voices in the industry and instead of putting it to good use, she decided to put out the musical equivalent of eating a stick of butter. Bland, horrible texture, seems to go on forever and ever, you know you shouldn't be consuming it and you don't know why you're doing this to yourself, etc.

The MV contributed to my dislike, with Taeyeon whitewashed all the way into uncanny valley as she lounges around her beautiful apartment. Well of course you'd be happy if you lived in a place like that, I know I would. The sad thing is that there's some really nice vocal work here and there, but for the majority of the song, Taeyeon decides to serenade us in the most nasal tone that she can muster. I know she can sing better than this, and I'm disappointed in her for creating this and unleashing it on the world.

#9: WEKI MEKI - OOPSY

Whereas Picky Picky was annoying in the best way possible, Oopsy is annoying in the worst way possible. The instrumental legitimately sounds cheap, the drums sound so tinny and artificial that it's hard on the ears. Not to mention the hook, wherein the girls force their voices as high as they can go as they proclaim OOPSY!

I'm a huge fan of cute concepts, but when it comes to putting out a high-energy sugary track like this, you're walking a fine line between adorable and irritating. Weki Meki didn't even try to walk the line, they just dove headfirst into irritating territory without a care in the world. It literally feels like the audio equivalent of having to hold a whiny toddler and then it pisses itself and the mom is just cooing about how her little darling made an oopsy.

#8: VICTON - MAYDAY

It feels like for most of the year, the vast majority of boy groups were stuck in a rut, knee-deep in sludgy EDM and leather harnesses. You know the songs I'm talking about, and I could've put any one of them here, but I chose this one purely because that chorus makes me feel like I have a concussion. I don't like this song nor the trend it's representative of - I spent most of quarantine having the same dark BG concepts thrown at me over and over and I'm glad things are starting to take a bit of a turn.

The bridge on this is actually pretty great, and the guys in VICTON do know how to sing, as can be seen in the final post-chorus. But man, there's just nothing fresh being brought to the table here, just the same stale trends in their worst form yet. The hook is so slow and drowsy, the same few notes just repeated over and over. I have not seen the MV because I feel like I can picture it well enough in my head just by listening. Are there harnesses? Don't forget those, boys.

#7: MCND - SPRING

Only Pentagon are allowed to do these concepts.

#6: HYO, LOOPY, SOYEON - DESSERT

This is genuinely unlistenable as soon as the drop hits, with a vocal stitching job that might be a horn synth, I'm not sure. That's how annoying it is. The producer is clearly incompetent and the performers are oozing with personality, though not the pleasant sort. The hook is bratty and the raps here are beyond generic. After the halfway point, there are a couple interesting sounds thrown into the mix, but it's not enough to save things.

Soyeon in particular sounds awful here, with her iconic nasally tone morphing into something genuinely irritating and borderline spiteful. Age up the toddler from the Oopsy comparison to around 7 or 8 and that's basically what you've got here. All I can hope is that this song is not influential in any way, shape or form, because I just had a vision of Blackpink imitating this production style and I felt a shiver run down my spine.

#5: SECRET NUMBER - WHO DIS?

I'm not sure how many Secret Number fans are out there, but I'm about to make all of em real mad at me right about now. However, it must be said.

This is basically Your Turn by Kaachi again.

I don't think I need to explain that hot take, just listen to the song. It's surprisingly amateurish, to the point where I feel like the vocals aren't in sync and they just used the first take they got from each girl. The raps in particular are awful, and I swear they even sound like they go off-key a couple of times. How this blew up in any aspect is bizarre to me. Anyways, stream Photo Magic and stan Kaachi.

#4: BAEKHYUN - CANDY

Did you want a k-pop version of Yummy by Justin Bieber? No? Well, Baekhyun decided to make it anyways! At least Yummy was sort of funny in how bad it is, this is just...a somber affair. Inexplicably, he manages to oversing the final third of the song, which I don't get the point of, but okay. Lazy, underproduced and overproduced at the same time, bland, boring, annoying...

Wait, did he just say...

Okay, I changed my mind, this is hysterical. Like Pop rocks, strawberry, bubble gum...

#3: (G)-IDLE - DUMDI DUMDI

I'm so sick of this group's 'ethnic' schtick, it's like they never learn. They just don't give a fuck - after a string of genuinely great tracks like Hann, Lion, and Oh My God, they just decide to put out this shit and expect me to listen to it? They're a group with a lot of potential, with some brilliant vocalists and the talent that is Soyeon (who really loves being on this list, apparently) but if they continue down the path of using different cultures as concepts I can't support them any further.

The song itself has salvageable parts, a recurring theme on this list, but the over-the-top tribal influences are so obvious and tropey that even listening to it feels gross. (G)-Idle have more creative control than most groups, and the fact that they're capable of creating works of art like Lion is what makes me harsh on them. Instead of moving forward, they continue to regress into their comfort zone of cultural appropriation.

#2 YOOA - BON VOYAGE

Speaking of cultural appropriation...are we gonna address this? Nah? Okay.

Oh My Girl, YooA's parent group, has a history of blatant cultural appropriation (and arguably some legit racist moments depending on how you look at it) and they seem like they're not changing anytime soon. That's why this particular song stings even more than it probably should. If you thought Dumdi Dumdi's tribal influences were a little too on the nose, take a listen to this chorus.

YooA has a bad voice, is wearing tribal face paint, and is running around the wilderness whitewashed into oblivion while a choir of nameless voices chant vaguely tribal things behind her. Even in an industry like k-pop, this sticks out as something in bafflingly poor taste, and I can't see how she got away with this in 2020.

#1 BLACKPINK & SELENA GOMEZ - ICE CREAM

Well, this is a predictable pick.

I don't know why or how Blackpink thought they could get away with drip-feeding blinks content for 4 goddamn years in the lead-up to their first album, only to drop this big fat clunker on them. I honestly felt insulted by the song, from its cheap, tinny production to the god-awful lyrics. I don't know how anyone could find any value in a piece of music this soulless and hollow.

Lisa's raps are by far the worst part of it, with FIRE BARS such as "you're the one been chosen, play the part like moses" and "mona lisa kinda lisa". Unfortunately, these raps take up a good portion of the song, and there's nothing going on in the instrumental to distract you from them, save for that little ice cream truck jingle. (or at least I think that's what the producer was going for)

Selena is a non-presence and essentially blends in with the girls, who WAIL that awful hook like their lives depend on it. Also, there's some really cheesy innuendos here that're sung with all the sex appeal of the actual ice cream truck driver from literally your neighborhood.

I loathe what this song represents - the only good thing about it is that the girls look stunning in the MV. And that's exactly the thing - this song represents the exact moment in time wherein Blackpink admitted to their audience that music is no longer their main focus. This is the peak of their influencer-ization, and only time will tell if they'll redeem themselves. (Spoiler: They sort of did, goddammit.)

#kpop #worst kpop #kpop review #review #yooa bon voyage #blackpink ice cream #mcnd spring #dumdi dumdi #baekhyun candy #victon mayday #secret number #taeyeon happy #weki meki

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minerva--mcgee · 5 years ago

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McGonagall With The Marauders #6

Sequel to McGonagall With The Marauders #4

Minerva waited in her office next to the fireplace. She was growing impatient, shifting her weight back from one foot to the other, eventually pacing the room. It was something of a sight - she was wearing one of her best sets of robes, and she had her hair in a looser bun than usual. She reached over and straightened a photograph on the mantle as the fireplace roared to life with green flames.

She stepped back to let her husband come through the flames, and he threw his arms around her when he emerged. “Minnie.”

“Phin,” she said, pulling back to plant a kiss on his lips.

It wasn’t often that he could come up to Hogwarts to visit her. He was so busy at the Ministry that he was usually working well into the night, and she had plenty to keep her occupied here at Hogwarts. A few names came immediately to mind. But right now, she could spend a day with him. A beautiful day it was, too - one of the first warm days of spring, the sun was shining, students were roaming the grounds of the castle.

“It’s great to see you,” she said to him, holding him tight. They sat in this position for a few moments before separating. She lead him to her living room, where they sat close together on the couch and chatted over tea about Phin’s work, when a knock came from the door. Minerva gave him a confused look.

“Are you expecting anyone?” said Phin.

“Just you,” she went over and answered the door, coming face-to-face with a red-headed fourth year.

“Miss Evans,” she said, surprised, “What brings you here on a Saturday? Is everything alright?”

“Oh, yes, Professor, I’m terribly sorry to bother you on a weekend,” Lily was speaking fast, not wanting to use too much of her professor’s time, but taken aback by the looser hair that she was sporting, “I’ve just been thinking about this one question on the Transfiguration homework since you assigned it and I was hoping that you could help me with it - oh, hello!”

Minerva turned around to see her husband had stood up and was now only a few inches behind her, looking down at Lily. “Hello there.”

“Miss Evans, this is my husband, Elphinstone Urquart. Phin, Lily Evans.”

“Oh, yes! Lily Evans!” he exclaimed gleefully, “I’ve heard great things about you!”

“You have?” Lily asked, closing her mouth. She hadn’t realized it had been hanging open. “I didn’t even know you were married, Professor!”

“That seems to be a recurring theme here,” Phin teased. Minerva gave him a smirk and elbowed him in the ribs, to which he feigned pain.

“Well, I’m sorry to have bothered you, Professor McGonagall, I wouldn’t have if I’d have known you had company. I can come back another time, or we can discuss it in class.”

“Oh, nonsense!” said Phin, stepping aside, “don’t let me get in the way of Minnie’s work. Besides, I know quite a bit about Transfiguration, myself.”

A few minutes later, Lily left her Head of House’s private living quarters with her parchment in her hand and tea in her stomach. She was thoroughly confused at the events that transpired.

She made her way back to her common room, still a little dazed and lost in thought. James and Sirius were arguing about the Quidditch match next week, but James interrupted Sirius when he saw Lily enter. “Are you okay?”

“Did you know McGonagall was married?”

They were surprised. “We knew that ... how did you know that?”

“I - I just had tea with her and her husband. He’s great. She really seemed happy.”

James and Sirius exchanged a look of disbelief, and didn’t speak for a moment. It was Sirius that recovered first. “Phin is here,” he said, trying to confirm that he was hearing everything correctly.

Lily nodded. The two boys sprung into action at the same time, calling up the stairs for Remus and Peter, and that it was urgent.

The four boys were nudging each other nervously, trying to make one of the others knock on the painting. Eventually, it was decided that Sirius would knock, and he did. He knocked multiple times, and no answer came to the door. They stared up at the painting.

“She’s not here,” said the painting of a woman eating grapes, looking rather bored. “She left about a half hour ago.”

“Where did she go?” asked Sirius.

The painting simply laughed at them and continued to eat her grapes, before the four boys huffed away.

“What now?” asked Remus.

James looked out of the window next to them in the corridor and saw a few figures moving outside on the grounds. He smiled. “Outside!” he proclaimed, running down the hallway as his friends scrambled behind him.

“Min, I know you think the Magpies are going to win the cup, and I’m sorry that I have to be the one to tell you that you’re wrong.”

“Yes, it’s obviously going to the Kestrels this year!” chimed in Poppy Pomfrey, which received laughs from the group.

Minerva and Elphinstone had found their way outside, and were now standing in a circle with Albus Dumbledore and Poppy Pomfrey next to the lake. They were enjoying the nice weather, and the breeze felt good.

“No, no, no,” said Phin in mock anger, “No. I will not accept these subpar Quidditch opinions. The Ballycastle Bats is the only decent answer to this question!”

Albus, with his back to the lake and facing the castle, tilted his head slightly to look past Minerva at a certain set of Gryffindor boys charging toward them. “Oh, this will be fun,” he said with a lightness in his voice.

Minerva quirked her eyebrows at him, before turning to see what the rest had already noticed.

“So, we meet again, Elphinstone!” Sirius Black announced loudly, turning heads of the few students within earshot.

“Oh, sweet Merlin,” Minerva rubbed her temple.

Phin, amused, turned to look at them. “I suppose we do, Sirius Black!”

Sirius stopped walking for a moment, shocked that he had remembered his name from their previous encounter, but soon began walking again, until he was only a few feet in front of him. The rest caught up, filing into a straight line in front of him.

“They’ve all drawn their wands,” Poppy whispered to Albus behind her hand. They shared a giggle at the scene in front of them.

“Anyone married to our dear, sweet Minnie must be put to the test!” James shouted, holding his head high and crossing his wand over his chest.

“You four are so - !” Minerva started, only to be cut off by Phin.

“No, no, they are absolutely correct, Minnie.”

That left all of the boys and Minerva shocked. “We are?”

“They are?”

“They are! I mean, I must fight for your honor, my darling!”

“That is exactly right!” said Remus. “We wouldn’t let our favourite professor see just anyone, you know. No offense, Professor Dumbledore.”

Albus raised his hands, gesturing none taken.

“We are prepared to duel you, Sir Urquart!” said Sirius. “Right here, right now.”

Minerva walked over to hide behind Poppy, who would simply move out of the way so that she must be exposed to what was happening. She sighed and buried her face in her hands, wondering how in the world she didn’t expect this to happen. She just wanted one day with her husband on school grounds.

The three staff members watched as Phin took his stance against the four boys, ready to face off. “Uh, Professor Dumbledore, sir? Could you officiate?” said James.

“Absolutely, my boy!” Minerva groaned loudly and tried to face the lake, but Poppy grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around.

“Alright, everyone,” he said, looking between the Marauders and Phin, “I want a clean fight. First to disarm their opponent wins. On my mark!”

He backed out of the way, and dropped his hand, signaling the start of the duel.

By now, many students had gathered around to watch the spectacle, and were laughing. The boys were firing hexes at Phin, who was dodging them one after the other. His wife knew that he was just letting them get a couple of spells in before -

Suddenly, Phin waved his wand in a series of patterns so fast that few could process what was happening before it was done. He was holding four wands and the four boys to match them were laying on the ground in a leg-locker jinx.

“The winner is - Elphinstone!”

The crowd of students cheered for him as he ran over to his wife and planted a kiss on her cheeks. She was less than thrilled.

“Oh, come on, darling, now we don’t have to be apart! I’ve won your honor!”

“You win this time, Urquart!” Sirius sweared from his spot on the lawn, “But you haven’t seen the last of us!”

Minerva walked over to them and deducted fifteen house points each and announced that they would lay there until either the spell wore off or someone took pity on them to undo it. She marched up to the castle, only a few catching the tint of red that was creeping on her cheeks. Phin followed her in, but stopped next to James. “Well, I think we’ve made her mad. Perhaps it’s for the best that you stay here.”

#minerva mcgonagall #elphinstone urquart #minerva mcgonagall x elphinstone urquart #minerva x elphinstone #maruaders #sirius black #james potter #remus lupin #peter pettigrew #albus dumbledore #poppy pomfrey

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bellatrixobsessed1 · 4 years ago

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Kissing Dead Pearls ( Part 18)

There are many rumors surrounding Sea Candle Lighthouse; hauntings, sirens, and beasts that come on the gales to name a few. Azula has even heard that the ghosts have been there before the lighthouse was constructed. She has lived there her whole life and she hasn’t seen one phantom.

But she and Zuko made a game of it. They earned social points with peers by inviting them to their ‘creepy’ lighthouse during softly stormy nights. Nights when the sea howls and throws tempestuous fits.

It was on such a night that she’d truly gotten to know Chan and Ruon-Jian. Their parents had a date night at a rather upscale restaurant across town, a date night that was extended until the storm could pass. And then extended once more when the roads closed at the hands of flooding. The storm itself hadn’t been notably bad, so she and Zuko invited company to spend the night. Nevermind the scoldings that they would get later.

Within the hour ten people had turned up; Mai, TyLee, Sokka, Katara, Aang, Toph, Jet, Chan, Ruon, and Chan’s older sister. And a half an hour after that, several more people turned up, neither she nor Zuko knew them. Azula recognized three of them from her first hour class and Zuko said he’d seen the other two in the cafeteria. They were nice enough company but Azula wishes that Chan would have asked before prattling to others about a small get together.

Of course nearly everyone in their school had been fighting for a chance to spend the night inside the haunted lighthouse. She vividly recalls a rather solid month of her freshman year being interrogated over rumors that she’d been posesseed. She isn’t sure that they have quite let go of that of that one. She also vividly recalls complaining to Mai about it and having the girl shrug and say, “welcome to the club, Azula.”

So it was that five fortunate strangers assembled on the floor playing card and board games with them. Azula can’t remember their names. One of them might have been Jin, maybe Jing?

It was Mai who swapped the tiresome monopoly board for an ouija board. Azula cracked a smile. Mai was always essential to the atmosphere of the Sea Candle sleepovers. Azula and Zuko wrote the stories and Mai expertly narrated them under the flickering orange glow of candlelight. On this occasion the storm hadn’t gotten around to knocking out the power so she and Zuko had to do the honors.

The rain continued to pour down ceaselessly as Mai began the story. It was a story from before the lighthouse had been constructed, a tale of a man and his wife. “There was a man and his wife. The wife always wore a pearl pendant on a silver chain.” She had begun as a rumble of thunder rattled the lighthouse and died away. “The couple had made a habit of climbing up to the very highest point of the cliff and watching the ships pass by. They didn’t like to go in the daytime though because there were too many people and the husband was a shy man.”

Toph had yawned.

“One night they went walking. It was raining.”

“Of course it was storming, it’s always storming.” Toph muttered.

“Shut up Toph, I’m trying to listen!” Sokka shushed.

Unperturbed by their bickering, Mai had continued. “It wasn’t storming. It was a light misty rain. But there was fog and a lot of it. By the time they reached the top of the cliffs, the fog thickened until you could barely see in front of you. They stayed there a while even though there were no ships to watch, sometimes they just liked to enjoy a night alone on the cliffs. The sound of the rain on the water was nice enough.” She paused before continuing in her droning monotone. A monotone that was truly made for ghost stories, if Azula must say. “But they did see a ship after all. It was worn down and beaten like it just rose up from the bottom of a trench. Its sails didn’t move in the breeze. As the couple stared at at a voice called out, ‘mama, papa, I can’t find my way home.’ The couple looked at one another. It was the voice of their son. Their long lost son. ‘Mama, papa, I can’t see, it’s too dark’. And so, upon these cliffs, they built a light. One that can be seen for miles in hopes that their lost son would make his way home. That is the first ghost to haunt the Sea Candle lighthouse.”

The story was as cheesy as any, but it had their classmates talking for weeks after a night of Chan, Ruon, and her other unfamiliar classmates swearing up and down that they could hear the boy crying for his parents between rolls of thunder.

She, Zuzu, Mai, and TyLee spent the night snickering as Toph and Sokka fervently tried to debunk the claims of Chan and his posse. Katara and Jet had nothing to do with it at all, declaring that to have a sleepover you should make sleep one of the activities.

It was all in good fun.

Only once could Azula swear that she’d seen a spirit. Only once when she looked out the window to see her mother wandering home as she would on an ordinary day. Only once and never again.

.oOo.

The storm broke suddenly. Suddenly and much earlier than anticipated. Such seems to be a recurring theme in her life. She wishes that, for once, a storm would arrive behind schedule as opposed to ahead of it.

Azula rubs her eyes and hustles on deck to see Ozai and Zuko struggling with a sail that had broken loose. Lord, they couldn’t afford to lose a sail. But, she notes with building horror, they couldn’t afford to leave the wheel unattended. Her stomach pangs as adrenaline cuts through her sleep deprived mind. She makes a beeline for the wheel, leaping over a table that has been upturned and rolled by the perilous rocking of the ship.

She catches sight of Katara as she wraps her hands around the wheel’s spokes. Azula runs through the details in her sailing manuals. She truly hopes that she is remembering correctly as she points the bow of her ship towards the waves.

Ozai catches her eyes and his own seem to fill with relief in seeing that the wheel is now attended.

“Zuko, I am going to open the storm sails!” He calls over the roaring wind and spraying waves. “I need you to keep control over the broken sail.”

She can’t hear Zuko’s reply.

The rain is beating brutally against her face, each drop giving her the feeling of being pelted with pebbles. She fights against a wheel that would rather do anything but keep the boat facing the waves. She finds herself constantly blowing streams of rainwater out of her mouth, but more comes to fill it almost immediately. And her hair, she wishes that she had chopped it off or at least tied it back before embarking. For it now whips about and obscures her vision until rainwater plasters it uncomfortably to her cheeks and forehead.

She finds herself breathless and surprised at just how much exertion it is taking just to hold the wheel steady, much less push it in the opposite direction when a particularly powerful wave knocks it out of place.

“Shit!” Jet hollars, finally emerging. He runs up to her and she waves him off.

“Zuzu…” she huffs. “Go help...Zuzu.” She nods her head in his direction. The flapping sail is fighting him with more vigor than the wheel is fighting her.

Jet nods and rushes to the sail. Azula’s heart seizes, she can’t see her father. The ship, as far as former pirate ships go, isn’t large. She should see him scaling the mast. Her attention is pulled to a sharp cry. The ship jolts and Katara is knocked off of her feet. She and Zuko both. With Zuko on the floor and sliding, the sail snaps and blows away completely. Jet lets go just on time to avoid going with it.

Azula has no time to be relieved over that. “Jet!” She hollers. As soon as he makes it to the wheel she passes it off to him with hurried instructions. This leaves her with no time to answer, “where are you going? What are you doing?”

She nearly slips down the stairs, and finds herself thankful for the balance that her years of surfing have afforded her. Her lungs burn the effort and her eyes sting with sea salt. She will be dreadfully sore if she makes it to the next morning.

Katara is hollering quite loudly as she fights to cling onto the rails. Zuko is more silent in his distress, exerting all energy into clinging to the rails next to her. They are both loosing grip quickly.

Blood beats behind her ears as her heartbeat picks up. It is the same thing. The same thing all over again. Her mother and Zuzu, she could only save one. She can see blood on the sea foam. She shakes her head, she is wasting time.

As she cautiously but speedily nears the both of them she can see it in Katara’s eyes, the absolute horror. The acknowledgment that she is a second priority. Azula feels sick. At least her mother had been out before the sea had claimed her, Katara was aware. She knew…

It might not matter anyhow, Zuzu is heavier than she and she finds that he is pulling her closer to the edge rather than she pulling him back from it. She is losing her footing and the grip that she has on a decorative post.

As her fingers slip, a strong arm wraps around her torso. It takes the wind out of her as it pushes into her stomach. But it keeps her from going over the edge, she and Zuko both. They are safely away from the rails but Katara is not. She springs forward before Ozai can keep her from it. She hears the man let out a string of curses.

Azula grabs Katara by the wrist just as she lets go of the railing. The sudden increase in gravity takes the both of them over the edge. She manages to grab the railing, her arm twisting painfully. She doesn’t let go of Katara and thanks every power that Katara is light enough to hold.

Thunder roars and the waves below surge up. Katara is frightened beyond screaming. She and Azula both. It seems like forever that they are suspended there. Azula looks up and in a flash of lightning she sees them. Those same phantom sails.

It must be the sail that Zuko has lost hold of. But she swears… Another flash. She swears that she can make out the haul of the Pearl Racer.

For a moment she forgets her predicament. She squints against the rain. But only for a moment before she is suddenly wrenched up. She gives a sharp cry as her shoulder pops, but she and Katara are laying on the boat instead of in the churning waters.

She sits up and scans the water. The sails are gone. They had never been there.

.oOo.

By noon, the storm has lessened into light rain and then a drizzle. Azula is still shaking. She hears Zuko speaking into the radio, they aren’t terribly far from a mass of land.

“Do you want me to pop it back into place or do you want to wait until we can get you to a hospital.”

She has been avoiding looking at her arm, she is nauseated by the way her skin bulges. “J-just do it.”

Ozai nods. He hands her a balled cloth. “Bite down on this.” She takes a deep breath and obliges. “Ready?” She is anything but, though she nods regardless. She squeezes her and and screams into the cloth as Ozai pops her shoulder back into place.

Her eyes sting with tears and her trembling doubles. She can see Katara cringing from afar. Ozai takes her into his arms and rubs her head, “that’s my girl. You always have been a fighter.”

She wishes that she didn’t have to.

“Get her some ice, boy!”

“Yes sir.” Jet half grumbles.

With him gone Ozai inquires, “why did you do it? You should have let me.”

She shakes her head. She is faster than he. He wouldn’t have made it. And even if it weren’t so, she had to do it. “Because I couldn’t save mother…”

Ozai’s brows furrow. “You couldn’t have, you were…”

“I chose Zuzu.” She cuts him off. “I couldn’t save them both. I chose Zuzu.”

He nods, understanding. He squeezes her more tightly. “She would have wanted you to save him. She always was fussy and protective over him.” He forces a chuckle. “She would have scolded you if you hadn’t picked him.”

The tears finally come. Tears that are years overdue.

“Does he know?”

Azula shakes her head.

“It is probably better if he doesn’t.” Ozai pauses. “You’re a strong girl. I raised you well.” His soft voice hardens some, “but don’t you do that again, you understand me?”

She nods. She doesn’t think that he has ever held her so tightly.

#Avatar The Last Airbender #Azula #Zuko #Ozai #Katara #Sokkla #Jetzula #Zutara #Sokka #Jet #Fanfiction

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elceeu2morrow · 5 years ago

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Mike Nied @mikeynied | February 3, 2020 12:31 pm

The lead up to the release of Louis Tomlinson’s Walls has been quite the journey. And it started four years ago when One Direction – one of the biggest bands of all time – went on an indefinite hiatus. After dropping their final album in 2016, the guys each had to learn what it meant to create on their own. In the process they tried on a variety of sounds before landing on one that worked for them. That’s especially the case for Louis, who experimented quite a bit with a string of buzz tracks. He also went through a multitude of life changes in the time and now emerges with a distinct sound and an even clearer message on his debut solo album.

Arriving January 31, it was well-worth the wait. The 12-song collection introduces us to Louis in a way that we haven’t seen him before. How so? It gives us an opportunity to engage with him directly as a solo star instead of one voice within many. He uses the opportunity and his powerful pen to to share a strong message of resilience. That comes across on every track from “Two Of Us” to “Fearless.” The end result is a compelling collection that boldly defies current trends and simultaneously proves he has more to say now than ever before. That alone is enough to chalk the project up as a serious win that will keep us coming back for more.

Score: 4/5

[full review under the cut - stunt free and very good]

1. “Kill My Mind”

And you won’t let go of your hold on me.

Walls opens with the song that signified a sonic rebirth for Louis. Of course, that would be “Kill My Mind.” After dabbling in everything from heartfelt floor-fillers to emo-pop, the crooner struck gold by throwing it back to the ’90s on the indie-rock inspired track. Laying his voice over a production courtesy of Jamie Hartman, he finds himself dangerously enchanted by a partner. And those feelings build up to a concussive and satisfying release on the chorus. Unsurprisingly, this lays out the groundwork for what is to follow.

2. “Don’t Let It Break Your Heart”

Whatever tears you apart, don’t let it break your heart.

After dropping “Kill My Mind,” Louis had no problem continuing his hot streak with a string of guitar-led buzz tracks. One of the best of those is “Don’t Let It Break Your Heart.” Produced by Stuart Crichton, this is a decidedly uplifting moment that reminds listeners to never give up hope no matter what obstacles get in their way. Expertly performed and very, very radio friendly, it deserved to be a much bigger hit for the solo star.

3. “Two Of Us”

I will keep you, day and night, here until the day I die.

No other song on the tracklist hits quite the same way as “Two Of Us.” The heart aching ballad is dedicated to Louis’ late mother and finds him swearing to live life to the fullest in her honor. There’s no denying the passion in his voice or the power of the lyrics, which manage to capture his true emotions without coming off as remotely saccharine. Instead, what he delivers is a raw moment that encapsulates the feeling of loss and that is bound to resonate with anyone who faced a similar tragedy.

4. “We Made It”

Never coming down with your hand in mine.

The influence of Oasis (one of Louis’ favorite bands) is abundantly evident on the retro-leaning “We Made It.” Here the former boy bander again revisits the sonics of “Kill My Mind.” Only this time there’s a certain sense of longing to the lyrics. The chorus especially is an anthemic sing-along that is going to be particularly effective in a live setting.

5. “Too Young”

We were too young to know we had everything.

Next up is “Too Young,” which strips back some of the stadium-ready production that defined “We Made It.” Instead, Louis earnestly shares a cautionary tale about the trials and tribulations of young love over sparse strings. This emerges as a personal favorite and feels like it wouldn’t be out of place on former bandmate Niall Horan’s debut album Flicker. In a good way, obviously. If life is fair, it will get a moment to shine at some point during the era.

6. “Walls”

These high walls never broke my soul.

During our interview, Louis told me the title track is his favorite song on Walls. And it’s easy to see why after even a passing listen. Another production of Hartman’s, the soulful mid-tempo provides a fitting follow-up to “Too Young.” In that it highlights the maturity with which he now approaches relationships. Opening at the apparent close of one, it is pleasantly surprising to learn that the song is actually about overcoming whatever barriers may have been in the way. The end result is a beautiful tribute to resilience and the ways we can grow alongside the ones we love.

7. “Habit”

You’re the habit that I can’t break.

There’s a thematic shift moving into “Habit.” Here Louis picks up the pieces after a failed relationship. But he has a hard time letting go of his partner. That’s evidenced by the simple but effective chorus. Even better are the intricately layered verses. Speaking of, fans are bound to have a good time attempting to unravel some of the clever hints layered within the lyrics. One of those is a mention to an apartment the hitmaker lived in after X-Factor and provides something of a timeline for the relationship in question.

8. “Always You”

I’m wasting my time when it was always you.

The closest Louis comes to giving us a One Direction-esque pop moment is on the sugary “Always You.” Produced by BURNS, the breezy anthem captures the moment he realizes that he’s found The One. Of course, he learns the lesson after traveling the world solo and having a couple adventures on his own. Held together by a vibrant chorus, it feels a little out of place when compared to “Kill My Mind.” However, there’s something so relentlessly upbeat and catchy about it.

9. “Fearless”

Tell me, do you still remember feeling young?

It’s a commonly accepted adage that with age comes wisdom. But sometimes we can overlook the benefits of being young. Chief amongst those is a childlike sense of bravery. This is a trait Louis celebrates and urges fans to continue embracing on the thoughtfully penned “Fearless.” The track features one of the more lush productions on the LP and also has the distinction of being my favorite song.

10. “Perfect Now”

If you knew what you were to me you would never try to hide away.

Louis delivers what could be considered a sequel to “What Makes You Beautiful” on “Perfect Now.” In that it is another achingly sweet love song that encourages a partner to recognize their beauty and self-worth. That comparison only highlights how much his songwriting and vocal skills have evolved over the years, though. The former will forever be a classic, but the newer iteration exists as a more reserved moment that perfectly captures what it’s like to be your loved one’s biggest cheerleader.

11. “Defenceless”

You keep on building up your fences, but I’ve never been so defenceless.

A recurring theme on Walls is Louis’s tendency to bare his feelings without consideration of the consequences. That’s exactly what he does on “Defenceless.” Here he strips back the armor from around his heart in order to give a partner everything they need. Joe Janiak’s production swells and recedes epically across the track. And this is another moment that only gets better the more you listen to it.

12. “Only The Brave”

It’s a solo song, and it’s only for the brave.

Clocking in at under two minutes, “Only The Brave” is the shortest song on the album. However the brief closer certainly doesn’t lack in personality. Defined by a rougher instrumental, it is easily the most stripped-back on the collection. This is a direction that I’d be interested in seeing Louis explore more in the future and that finishes his debut with what is hopefully a hint of more to come in the future.

Score: 4/5

#walls review #2.3.20 #idolator #walls track by track #walls promo #lt news #so good

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love-ya-tommo-row · 4 years ago

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Thoughts on Heartbreak Weather as one continuous narrative

Heartbreak Weather, Black and White, and Dear Patience are a perfect little three act play, open the album and set the tone wonderfully, and they are extremely relatable. Heartbreak Weather SOUNDS like the sky opening up and the clouds parting, and is a great I’M IN LOVE song. It and Black and White capture the intense madness of “love at first sight” perfectly- I am definitely the sort of person who meets someone new, clicks with them, and IMMEDIATELY feels like They’re The One and desperately wanting more and mentally imagining what it would be like to marry them and naming our imaginary babies. And then I have the Dear Patience moment where I have to tell myself to SLOW my roll, don’t be a lunatic, don’t come on too strong, and having to wait for them.

What’s interesting about HBW as a story album is that, immediately after the “love at first sight” songs and the “give them space don’t come on too strong” songs, we go DIRECTLY into jealousy and cheating. Niall has said that there’s not one narrator for the album, and some songs are different POVs of the same relationship, which opens up some interesting interpretations of these songs.

(Smol disclaimer: when I talk about “the narrator” I mean the artistic POV of the song not Niall the Real Person so in talking about the events and story of HBW I am not intending to treat the album as a Blind Item and am not implying anything specific about Niall the Real Person’s Real Relationships. So when I say there are cheating songs on the album or the narrator is a cheater, I just mean that’s the perspective the song is portraying and am not judging any Real People.)

ANYHOW! Bend the Rules has some of the strongest country influences on the album, and it’s a classic country cheating song. But while it’s deliberately ambiguous as to whether or not there’s actual infidelity happening, Small Talk is unambiguously about impulsively cheating via a hookup (“She’s not my baby”). So are they from the same perspective? The narrator feels jealous and hurt by their partner “bending the rules” and feels justified going out and getting caught up in the thrill of a new relationship? Or from two perspectives, one of the person who suspects their partner is cheating and the actual cheater?

Complicating this further is Nice To Meet Ya, which also contrasts perfectly with Small Talk. They’re both about hooking up and one night stand but while Small Talk is just straight up about skipping the pleasantries and getting straight to business, Nice To Meet Ya is all about the chat up, and trying to get a deeper connection with someone who’s only passing through (“Cause when the morning comes I know you won’t be there/every time I turn around you disappear”)

Another interesting choice is, that although this is a break up album, we don’t really get a straight forward break up song. Put A Little Love On Me and Arms of a Stranger again pair really nicely, and contrast with ST and NTMY well. It ST and NTMY are about going out, hitting the town, and hooking up, PALLOM and AOAS are morning after “when the heartbreak hits” songs. PALLOM imagines how sad and lonely the narrator’s partner must be after leaving and longing for their partner, having “so much love” to give them, while AOAS has been “left with nothing”, they “chase an old love just to feel love but it gave me nothing that was real”. This is again interesting to consider- is the same person singing both songs, or are their two perspectives? AOAS is also interesting because while most of the songs have been about meeting someone new, the partner AOAS sings to is “an old love”.

I feel like Everywhere and Cross Your Mind are DEFINITELY two perspectives of the same theme. Everywhere is about someone trying to get over an old serous relationship but being unable to, Cross Your Mind is about being in a long term relationship with someone who constantly cheats but always comes back and being unable to get over them.

New Angel is kind of interesting because it appears to basically be the same theme as Everywhere and AOAS, but Niall has explicitly said there’s a “deeper secret meaning” to this song and I haven’t a clue what it could be, haha. It is interesting that this song is literally about starting a new rebound relationship while No Judgment is about a well established relationship. Niall has said he imagined No Judgment to be about a couple who’s been together for so long they don’t care about impressing each other anymore, or about little children, but the lyrics sound very much like the perspective of CYM, if someone who has a partner who comes and goes and blows hot and cold but the narrator always takes them back and accepts the time they have together.

(There’s also interesting recurring imagery in this album about darkness and light, being hidden vs being exposed, “I never thought that I would find out we were just lovers in the dark” vs “Too many feelings in the light” vs “I was holding you close in the dark” vs “I’ll make you breakfast in the morning (have a real relationship) or you can slip out in the night (keep it a secret)” vs “Sun shining your the one I wanna wake up to (have a real relationship), lights fading, I’m changing, overthinking I don’t know what to do (backing off and keeping it a secret)”)

And that brings us finally to San Francisco and Still. They’re both about longing to have a relationship back- San Francisco about longing for the good ol’ days and wanting to make amends but mostly just drunkenly crying and pleading into an ex’s voicemail, while Still is about wanting your ex to want you back, wanting to have a relationship, but not knowing how to show you still love them. They are a great pair of songs, but while some songs I think are clearly opposing view points, I think this could be the same person at different emotional points- SF is the histrionic devastation, wailing that the relationship is over and never could’ve lasted, Still is slightly dissociated and lowkey, reassuring that “we’ll be alright.” I also feel like Still’s “a thousand miles away from the day that we started” pairs nicely with San Francisco’s amalgamating time and location.

Also Dress and Nothing have RIGHTS, I LOVE Dress. The fiddle!! I die for the Dress fiddle! Dress is about resigning yourself to getting over a relationship, while Nothing is almost about steeling yourself to fight for it, and Nothing PERFECTLY mirrors the imagery of HBW, which makes the album flow perfectly on repeats. Repeating imagery: “What moves me like a lightning bolt” vs “I swear it was lightning coming from your eyes”, “What sends my tears up in flames?” vs “Starting a fire in the hotel room”, “What do I really want in this stormy life?” vs “All of my life it’s been heartbreak weather”, I could go on. The point is Dress goes great with San Francisco and Still, as a conclusion to that longing- I want the happy days back but I have to give the love I took from you back, I have to close the book and put those reminders away and move on and stop pining, “even if I don’t want to”, and then Nothing perfectly tees up HBW and the cycle repeats- because I do think HBW as an album is fundamentally about being stuck repeating unhealthy relationship patterns, about the tension between old and new, fixing things vs a fresh start. It’s a great, GREAT album, and I love it!!!

#heartbreak weather #niall horan #long post

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darlingrutherford · 5 years ago

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Hey! Heard you were looking for fluff prompts, so maybe Alistair and Lana just hanging out in their tent together during origins, staying up late into the night and having a conversation/playing a game? Just something to maybe spark your interest.

“I'm not sure I'm catching on,” Lana said with a furrowed brow at the five cards in her hand. “I want them to match?”

“Matching is good.” Alistair nodded as his hand slid over the neat stack of cards in front of them. Dim magelight lit the tent, illuminating their cards as Lana shuffled hers around. Bryn, her mabari, lay curled at the side of the tent on his blanket, fast asleep and highly uninterested in their game. “The higher the suit matching the better.”

“I thought you said we were only supposed to take one card?” Lana tilted her head slightly as she regarded the cards in Alistair's hand. He cleared his throat as his ears reddened, giving her a smile as he put one back. Lana's eyes narrowed as he shifted on the bedroll. “Are you cheating?”

“It isn't called Wicked Grace for nothing,” he chuckled as he picked a card from his hand and discarded it into the second pile. When he met her eyes again, he couldn't help but laugh at the look of disbelief she was giving him. “It's part of the game! Everyone cheats at it. You're supposed to try to catch people cheating, while cheating yourself. It's how you squander them out of their money.”

“Seems fairly dishonest.”

“Well, I mean… If everyone is doing it…” Alistair trailed off, pausing as Lana continued staring at him with scrutiny. He could hear the chirping of crickets in the field outside their tent at the late hour, the pounding of blood in his ears as they held each other's gaze. Then, she began laughing, and Alistair sighed in relief. “Maker's breath, I thought… You are trouble, do you know that?”

“I'm already keeping you awake. I might as well entertain you a little bit,” she said with a small smile.

“I don't mind. The ‘keeping me awake’ bit. Or the entertaining, for that matter. I know those dreams can be unsettling.” Alistair watched Lana as she simply nodded with her eyes on her cards. The dream had been jarring, more so than usual. Whenever Lana awoke with such a fright, Alistair assumed it to be her recurring nightmare from her childhood. That a dream of the archdemon had frightened Lana to the point of not wanting to sleep had been extremely unusual for her, and Alistair had immediately broken out a deck of cards to occupy her mind. Lana set her cards face down in front of her with a sigh as she ended her turn.

“Have you ever… Had a dream like that? I mean… I know you've seen the archdemon before in your sleep, but… Has it ever…”

“A couple nights before you first saw it in your sleep, I saw it in mine. That first time especially was a bit unnerving…” Alistair picked a card from the pile and brought it to his hand, shuffling it around with the others as he decided which to discard. As he opened his mouth to continue, he froze when his eyes lifted to look at Lana. She had untied the ribbon she always used to finish her braid and was running her fingers through her hair as she unbraided strand by strand. He had only seen her with her hair down once before, that time at the river when he had accidentally came upon her. Small waves from the braid pressed throughout her long hair as she fluffed it with her fingertips as if shaking the memory of the dream from her mind. Maker, but… Sitting across from him in his much too large for her shirt with her copper hair almost to her waist, he was sure she was the epitome of perfection.

“Did you finish your move?” Lana asked. Her cheeks had begun to redden, all too aware of how he was staring.

“No. No, there's just one more thing…” Alistair hastily discarded a card into the pile before setting his cards face down as he leaned forward. He brought his hand to rest at the nape of her neck, gently encouraging her towards him until they met in the middle. Lana brought her hands to rest on the bedroll between them as she smiled against Alistair's lips. She couldn't help but sigh through her nose as he deepened the kiss. His kisses were always so passionate, so purposeful, as if she were the only thing he had ever wanted in the world. As he ended the kiss she gently pulled her hands back, laughing as he pecked the tip of her nose before straightening his back. Lana cleared her throat as she picked up her cards and shuffled them, biting her lip as her cheeks flushed while Alistair continued to gaze lovingly at her.

“I, um… I suppose I should…” She pulled a card from the deck, holding it out for Alistair to see. “That means the game's over, right?”

“Correct. I knew I found a smart one,” he teased with a wiggle of his brows. He picked up his five cards in front of him with a triumphant look on his face. “Now, just because I am about to destroy you with this hand doesn't mean you should be discouraged from…”

Alistair's voice trailed off, the smug look falling from his face in favor of a very confused brow as he looked at the cards in his hand, none of which he recognized from moments ago.

“Is this a good hand?” Lana asked as she presented her cards. She fanned them out on the blanket, and Alistair's eyes narrowed. Three angels and two serpents. His two serpents which had been in his hand only moments before, which had been replaced with two songs of two different themes. As he looked back at Lana accusingly, her brows lifted and lip pouted ever so slightly to tempt his mercy.

“A fine hand… For a cheater!” He kept his voice low to spare the others in their separate tents, but the accusation rang clear in his voice and his pointing finger. Lana's mouth gaped at him as she fought a growing urge to smirk.

“Me?” She repeated innocently as she held a hand to her chest.

“Fitting you chose serpents. Just like a sneaky snake, slithering them from my hand.”

“How could I have taken them from your hand without you noticing?” Lana asked. Alistair paused in contemplation, then shock grew on his face as realization set in.

“The kiss!” He gasped.

“The one that you initiated?”

“Yes, but, you… You put your hair down!”

“Thank goodness for my sentient hair. I would never steal anything without its help,” Lana teased.

“I know you switched them somehow… Using your womanly ways to distract me, for shame. Fine. Victory is yours, this time. Mark my words, though! I shall have my revenge!”

“Neither of us will live to see your revenge if you wake Leliana,” Lana laughed. “Best three out of four?”

“We should probably try to get some sleep,” Alistair chuckled. He began collecting the cards, his eyes occasionally flickering up to look at Lana as she quietly tugged at her hair. “Is it still bothering you?”

“It's just… I know I've seen the archdemon in my sleep before. I've felt its gaze on me, that's nothing new.”

“It doesn't mean it gets easier. It's okay if it hasn't,” Alistair said. He packed the cards away, shifting to the side to make room as Lana slid to sit beside him. Alistair waited patiently as Lana tried to find the words while she hugged her knees. He knew there must have been more to it. For her to have woken up screaming like that...

“It wasn't only the archdemon. I… I was dreaming about… About my mother, and… When I hid beneath my bed, this time, as she approached… I thought she was gone, and then it was there, in my face, terrible and surrounded by flames, and…”

“It intersected your nightmare,” Alistair said quietly. Lana nodded quickly before burying her face against her knees. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to lean against him. Alistair kissed the top of her head before running his fingers through her hair.

“It feels like it knows me now… But, that sounds silly…”

“It's not silly,” Alistair mumbled. He paused for a moment before grinning as he pulled her back. “I know how to fix it.”

“What? How?” Lana looked at him curiously, raising her brow in confusion as he encouraged her onto her back.

“Ready? I need you to be ready for this, because, if we want it to work, like, really work, you have to be ready.”

“Okaaay…” Lana trailed off. She watched Alistair in interest as he stretched his arms overhead, weaving his fingers before bringing them in front of him and outstretching his arms until his knuckles cracked. He wiggled his arms loose, clearing his throat as he moved his neck side to side and began humming. It was the strangest tune, not one Lana had ever heard before. It was more along the lines of a two note hum one may have done while meditating, occasionally evolving into higher and lower pitches as he moved his fingers in abstract shapes in the air. Lana tried her best to keep up her gaze with his movements, when suddenly his left hand fell to his side as the index finger of his right hand began spiraling towards her and, with an echoing pop from his mouth, booped her on the tip of her nose. As if the curtain had obviously fallen on his act, Alistair slid under the blanket, wrapping his arms around Lana and pulling her close as usual.

“What was that?” Lana laughed as Alistair buried his face against her neck.

“I fixed it,” he said simply while yawning against her skin.

“That easily?” She teased, hints of laughter still in her voice.

“I know. I'm amazing. Don't go telling everyone, though. I'll never be able to sleep if everyone starts coming to me going, fix our sleep, Alistair! Soon, all of Ferelden will want their dreams fixed and I will be exhausted.”

“I wouldn't want that,” Lana hummed in agreement. She turned to her side to shift her arm beneath Alistair's neck, making it easier for him to cuddle up against her. She knew it would have been an interesting sight, her and her not even five foot self cradling him and his over six foot broad frame, but, Maker, it felt wonderful holding him, knowing that he felt just as safe in her arms as she felt in his. As she closed her eyes, the magelight dimmed in time, and she smiled. “Good night, Alistair.”

“Good night, cheater.”

#thank you so much for this cute prompt!!!#alistair Theirin #lana surana #Alistair x warden #alistair x surana #Suranistair #lanistair #dragon age #dragon age origins #fanfiction #my ocs #my work

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aggressivehasana · 6 years ago

Text

Starry Night

Fandom: Aggretsuko/Aggressive Retsuko

Characters: Haida, Retsuko, Fenneko, Ookami, Tsunoda, Ton, Resasuke

Relationship: Haida/Ookami

Summary: AU where Retsuko didn’t break up with Resasuke and Haida is dealing with that.

Warnings: None

- - -

CHAPTER 09

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Words: 2,073

Betaed by: @pomp-adourable

A/N: –

As they were cruising the halls of the building, Haida couldn’t help but wonder if there really was something he was supposed to help Ookami with, but he merely forgot. The truth was that ever since the incident, they had been talking a lot more than usual, but he didn’t believe they had spoken to each other at all on that day in particular.

His hand was finally released when they reached the elevator and he saw the maned wolf press the button to go up.

“That was close,” the young wolf said, turning to offer him a smile while they waited.

“Yeah, I guess it was,” Haida responded, gazing down at his cup of coffee for a moment before looking back up to him. “So, about that thing you asked me to help you with…”

Ookami laughed.

“It was just an excuse to take you away from there,” he said, just a moment before the elevator greeted them with a ‘ding’ and both males stepped inside. “However I could use some help with the invoices I’m filing...” he continued as he reached out to press the ‘R’ button. “But we’ll worry about that later.”

As they were moving up, Haida had to glance a couple of times at the red halo glowing around the ‘R’ button to convince himself that they weren’t going to the Accounting Department; they were heading to the roof. He swallowed quietly and lowered his eyes to his own reflection on the polished floor. He wasn’t sure he was happy about it. Perhaps math and numbers would’ve helped distract him from what had just happened.

“Are you ok, Senpai?” the maned wolf’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts, startling him a bit.

Haida looked up at him, seeing him standing to his right with his hands behind his back and his eyes fixed on the changing numbers above the door. However, he could tell his attention was on him, by the way his left ear was slightly turned his way.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he replied, returning his gaze to his feet.

“Are you sure?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Ookami peeking at him, and he remembered the maned wolf didn’t like being lied to, so he limited himself to just sigh and remain quiet. Lucky for him, with another ‘ding’ the elevator announced their arrival to the desired level, and Ookami allowed him to walk outside first.

Past the glass doors that were keeping the elevator safe from the outer conditions, Haida’s face was immediately greeted by the wind of mid autumn. Even if it was only a few hours past noon, one could feel how much the temperature had dropped, as they were slowly approaching winter. He shivered a bit, since it was definitely warmer inside the building, but with the sun still high in the sky, he didn’t remain too distracted by the weather.

“Oh!” he exclaimed, his eyes opening wide as he couldn’t resist walking all the way to the other side of the roof, stopping at the rail. “Man, look at this view!”

“Heh, yeah, quite impressive, huh?” he heard Ookami reply, feeling the presence of the maned wolf settling next to him. “You don’t come to the roof very often, Senpai?”

“Not really,” he admitted while contemplating every building, every car, and every person walking by. “I’m usually too busy for that. I think I’ve only been up here like once or twice since I started working for this company.”

It had to be more than once, but he could only remember the time he checked the roof in a hurry to make sure Retsuko was not about to jump off one of the rails. He’d been a little too worried about her to bother admiring the scenery around him.

Ookami hummed in understanding, and it kept Haida from dwelling too much in the memories of that day, and his feelings for Retsuko.

“I come here a lot,” Ookami revealed calmly. “Especially to smoke, or when I need a moment alone.”

Haida’s ears twitched as a certain word broke his concentration, and he finally ripped his eyes off the panorama to give a severe look to the young wolf.

“You smoke?” he questioned, knitting his brows together with a frown.

“Sometimes, yeah,” Ookami admitted. He was resting his elbows on the rail and his chin on his hand. Noticing the hyena had turned to him, he did the same, folding his ears backwards, as his superior didn’t seem too happy. “Don’t you?”

Haida stared at him for a beat, deepening his frown, but then he sighed defeated and closed his eyes, turning back to the railing.

“Sometimes… I try not to, though,” he admitted himself, pausing for a few seconds while imitating the wolf’s motion to rest his elbows on the rail, and holding his cup of coffee with both hands to make sure he wouldn’t accidentally drop it. “You shouldn’t smoke. You’re too young for that,” he admonished, returning his eyes to the younger male who chuckled in response.

“What am I? Like 3 years younger than you?” Ookami asked mockingly, scooting closer to give Haida a playful push with his shoulder. “Don’t talk like an old man, Senpai. We’re both young! We should enjoy the little things in life!”

The bright blush that took over the older male’s face made Ookami want to laugh, but he held back as best he could.

“Thank you for worrying about me, though,” he expressed instead, hesitatingly reaching out to place a hand on the hyena’s arm.

The gesture wasn’t overlooked, and with a thump in his chest, Haida felt that familiar warmth crawling up his neck again. He looked down at Ookami’s hand before peering back up at his face, and noticed how the determination in his emerald eyes slowly clouded with fear. After a breath, the younger broke eye contact, lowering his gaze, and he withdrew his hand as he backed away to the place he’d been standing before.

Haida felt bad. Even though the closeness caught him off guard, he didn’t mean to make things awkward for his co-worker. Somehow he really didn’t…mind. But now he was having a hard time trying to figure out what to say, and it seemed to be the same for Ookami, as silence stretched between them, and Haida was starting to tap at the carton of his cup impatiently.

“Oh! So… how did you know?” He found it, the perfect way to break the silence. It was something he had stuck in his head anyway, so he thought it was the ideal time to ask away.

“Huh?” Ookami asked confused, and, thankfully, he glanced back up at him.

“You weren’t in the Dining Area while everything was happening… How did you know I was in trouble?” Haida tried to sound as gentle as possible, even offering the maned wolf a shy little smile, and it seemed to work, for Ookami stood straight again, his ears perking with interest and his tail swinging.

“Oh! I was on my way back to Accounting when I saw Retsuko-Senpai and the other guy walking by! I was curious as to what they were up to, so I started following them. That’s when I saw them reach you and Fenneko-Senpai, and I, well… I thought I had to do something.” As he told his tale, Ookami’s voice gradually lost excitement, like he had been so proud of himself in the beginning, but then realized that what he was saying was probably a touchy subject for the hyena. He finished off with a shrug, and lowered his gaze a little bit.

“You saved me. Again.” Haida chuckled, and Ookami looked back up to him, responding in the same manner.

“Yeah, seems to be a recurring thing between us.”

Both males exchanged smiles, and for some time there was nothing but the sound of the cool wind blowing between them.

“Senpai…” After a while, it was the maned wolf who spoke first, but Haida interrupted him.

“I’ll be ok, Ookami,” he assured with a gentle yet firm voice, lowering his eyes to the rail for a moment before returning them to the wolf and offering him a cheeky smile. “Thank you for worrying about me, though.”

Now it was Ookami’s face that lit up with a bright blush, but he giggled playfully and slowly approached the other again, not standing as close as he had been before, but with only a few inches apart.

“I really hope so, Senpai. You don’t deserve to go through all this shit.”

And just like that, the smile disappeared from the hyena’s face. He sighed deeply, turning back to the railing and setting his attention on the cup in his hands.

“Sadly, I do. I delayed too long to tell Retsuko how I feel,” he explained, raising the cup to his lips to take a sip, and he growled softly, as the liquid had already run cold. “It’s what I get for being so scared of my own feelings.”

For once, Ookami didn’t know what to say. He stared at his superior in silence, feeling his heart slowly increasing it’s pace, until Haida turned to look at him and their eyes connected.

“Have you ever been in love, Ookami?” Haida asked, and the maned wolf felt his insides jump.

“I… I don’t know. I think I was, a couple of years ago,” he answered as calmly as possible, but he felt the need to focus the sudden rush of adrenaline on something to keep it from getting to his nerves. He held unto the rail with both hands and leaned backwards, allowing the task of not letting himself fall to cloud up his mind.

“And?” he heard the older male insist.

“Well, it didn’t work out. I mean, we did date for a while, but…” he paused for a bit, feeling his arms starting to tremble. “I guess I just wasn’t good enough for him.”

The hyena stared at him for a moment, and then he shifted his vision forward, back to the horizon.

“Him,” he repeated mindlessly.

That seemed to be a recurring theme, lately. Between Ookami and Fenneko assuring him that there were guys interested in him, and Fenneko even revealing the identity of one of them, he couldn’t help but start wondering about his co-workers’ sexual orientations.

“I’m bisexual,” he heard Ookami explain, and he felt his face burn because it was almost as if he had read his mind.

“A-Ah! Is that so?” he asked nervously, turning to look at the other and noticing, as the maned wolf pulled himself back on his feet, that he wasn’t looking too happy.

“Does that bother you?” Ookami asked calmly, however, and Haida immediately shook his head.

“No, no, not at all! It just caught me a little off guard, I guess. You’re well known around for being quite the lady-killer, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you flirting with a guy.” Ookami snorted quietly at that, but the hyena seemed to be a little too worked up to notice. “If anything, I’ve seen you flirt with Ms. Tsubone the most, so I thought you were into mature ladies…”

It almost seemed like he had delivered the best joke in history, because Ookami’s face turned as red as an apple and he burst out laughing.

“Oh, no, no! With Ms. Tsubone is a different story!” the maned wolf clarified once he was able to talk again, taking a hand to loosen his tie a bit. “She’s quite the flirt, in case you haven’t noticed. So I just use that to my advantage. She flirts with me, I flirt with her back, and that earns some benefits, like better treatment, or the chance to hand her my work so I can leave early, or even money.” He smirked and winked, seeming so proud of himself. “It’s quite convenient, actually.”

“I see,” Haida said smiling awkwardly.

However, after everything had been said and done, Ookami dropped the cocky attitude. He sighed softly, setting his gaze down to the ground as he turned around to lay his back against the rail.

“But no, I’m not really interested in her. Or… anyone, really. I don’t…” He paused, seeming hesitant to continue, but he took a deep breath, and closed his eyes as he pressed himself on to talk. “I don’t do relationships for now.”

#aggressive retsuko #aggretsuko #haida #ookami #haida x ookami #haikami #starry night fic #hasana fic

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obscurelistening · 6 years ago

Text

2017, a (rather late) year review (chapter 2 of 3.)

‘Are you going to kiss me then?’ - Reece

Boy. Dating. Again? Men? Damn. For the past few years (basically since being at uni), there has always been this strange sort of feeling around Valentines day. I remember back in 2015, being almost infuriated walking down one long road and seeing about 8 or 9 couples holding hands, the date of course being in February, so not so long after I’d just finished with my first boyfriend Josh.

Come the next year, that feeling was just pure sadness. 2016, was a bad year for dating, but boy, 2017 was even worse. Or so I thought. In February I didn’t care about having someone, I just wanted to never see another person ever again. Never have I been that close to booking a flight to a spontaneous European destination, and not telling anyone where I was going.

But, come summertime, the degree was over, and I was more receptive to dating other guys. Really I think I always am, but it just so happened that it coincided conveniently at that point in the year.

Skip forward to June. I’ve just got back from my holiday with my housemates, they’re gone, and I’ve been chatting to this fairly chatty and attractive guy called Owen, he seems nice, and within a couple of weeks, we agree to go for a date. Seems nice enough, I was actually quite excited. Though I did have my reservations, this guy seems pretty damn good looking, where’s he been for the past year?

There I was, stood outside of my local pub, when a few moments later, he turns up, sheepish, not a lot to say, and part of me wondering if he has a learning difficulty? Not in a horrible way, but it was just the way that he made that initial contact, something didn’t seem quite right.

Anyway I dismissed it as shyness, and despite the awkward failed attempt at a hug on my part, and the fact that I was trying to be enthusiastically open, and chatty, (him very much the opposite), we went to get food.

Food was okay, enough for me to invite him to go for a walk to the park with me. That, I actually quite enjoyed. What we lacked in conversation and the ability to find common interests, we made up for by making out with each other through basically ever twist and turn. It was enough, I thought, after the kissing, to go on another date. Perhaps he’d be more chatty. Yes he seemed disorganised as hell, and clearly lacking in some social skills (who gets to June and still hasn’t got confirmation from his ‘friends’ if they’re all living together?), but I was willing to give it a go.

So, a week or so later we went for drinks. I, as per usual was running late. Which meant he’d been sat in this local hipstery bar for at least half an hour. He’d had a couple of drinks, but thank the lord he couldn’t seem to care less. He was content enough to see me.

The date continued, through extremely stifled yawns - when I say extremely I mean, we’re talking one every few minutes (yes the conversation was that dry), and through his musk which said ‘I haven’t washed my clothes in about 2 months’ (yes I smelt it the first time, but assumed the damp weather and the fact he was moving house... you know what, I don’t know, I just gave him the benefit of the doubt. It’s not like he smelt bad, he just smelt stale...) - I was able to just about survive. Except, when the muffled yawns became too much, and I was drunk enough, that I invited him back to my place.

Looking back I’m not sure why I did it. I would’ve been much happier simply to just go back home and enjoy the bed to myself. Hell, failing that if I needed some company, that’s what grindr is for right? Just get someone over for a cuddle...

But no, I was stupid enough to do that. So we popped back to his place, to get some things, his friend was there, and far more talkative than Owen himself. Then it was to mine. Clothes came off, and after some touching we fell asleep. Ah bliss, I can have a cuddle and not have to try and make the most strenuous conversation with a lad that smells like damp swimming trunks. The next morning, he’s rushing to my bathroom to throw up. ‘Hmmm I think to myself’ ‘Smells, throws up profusely after a few drinks, can’t hold a conversation, and from what I felt last night, has a small cock’, and on that note, he accepted my offer to walk him home. And with that, my first, and first awful date of the year.

The perfect guy?

Honestly, I don’t think dating someone can get much worse than that. Maybe if he’d thrown up over me / my bed, and didn’t have a penis at all, was mute maybe? Then sure. But he did pretty well to let it go that astronomically. With that in mind, and the fact I went home for the summer, dates didn’t really happen for a while. London Fetish Week was coming up, I had a wedding to play for, my 21st birthday, and then a family holiday. I was never really in one place for longer than a week. And to be honest, what’s the point in going on dates with boys at home? We’ve done that once, and look how well that one turned out...

So roll on September meant rolling on some new guys. And that’s where Reece appeared. It was a similar fashion to before. Chatting to a guy I found fairly attractive on grindr. Okay good, I’ve sent more than the only pic that makes me look acceptable and he’s still talking. Oh look he want’s to go on a date. Great, let’s do it, he seems nice, chatty, and I find him attractive.

Meeting inside the same pub this time, and wow what a difference. This guy was fairly attractive, smiled when I came up to him, and within minutes we were talking and laughing smoothly. It was great! He had a slightly camp voice which detracted from his overall masculine demeanour, at least that’s how he’d appeared on photos, but who cared? I was having a great time with him. Before I knew it, we were off to get food together.

Again, the conversation flowed nicely, and we were getting on like a house on fire. More drinks continued to flow and we continued to get pissed. Great, we ended up in a drag bar, I was drunker, and apparently, a lot camper, and we were holding hands, much to the amusement of a mocking drag queen. But where do we go from here? I’m really enjoying this date and the company, oh wait no he just said it ‘so when are you going to kiss me?’ ‘Well, right now I guess?’, in my head I was thinking I wasn’t ready, I’d wanted to hold his gaze for a good few seconds before proceeding with that, but then again, maybe my lazy eye had been holding his gaze the entire time and I’d just not known. Either way, we kissed, and to be honest that kiss felt good, really good actually. Really damn good.

Boy, I want to see him again. But that wasn’t a problem, because little did I know, he hadn’t booked a hostel ( he was commuting to uni), and so I invited him to stay at mine, and like with Owen, this time at my request, we simply cuddled. Great. He left the next day and we’d already arranged our next date. It was only a few days before our next date, and we went for lunch. Nice enough so I thought, and after a brief lunch and a kiss on the lips, he went to uni, and I went home to do fuck all, as one does when they’ve graduated and are unemployed.

Well, we had a couple of more lunch dates, and they were nice. His company was nice enough, but it wasn’t progressing. It had been four dates by this point, but I felt I knew him less deeply now, than I did after date one. It was time to up the ante, and I did so by asking him out on another evening date. Lunch dates were always rushed, and with him, it felt so adult, that it didn’t feel like we should be having in-depth life discussions during such dates. So we went on an evening date, him booked into a hotel, and me, making sure he wasn’t going to end up back at mine this time. And again, that was going nicely enough. Food, and then some drinks in some gay bars, it was all going well. And with the alcohol, I pushed for more depth. I would have loved to know what drove him, the deepnees inside of him. Has he ever been in love? Has he had a relationship, been heartbroken? What’s his family situation like? And I pushed for those things, and largely I got answers. But with it, I got no depth, he’d not opened up in a way that allowed for any deeper understanding. And in a way, that would have been okay, absolutely fine. Clearly I would’ve had to have worked harder for the answers. But, I didn’t feel there was actually much more depth for him to give. Little more information for him to divulge, while at the same time, I wasn’t feeling telling him my life story either. For the lovely, talkative and chatty guy that he was on the surface, I quickly began to realise that beyond that layer, we actually had very little in common. Even his views on gay sex were what I’d called archaic, I’m more muscly and less camp than he so I must be a ‘top’, and that’s not ‘fluid or every susceptible’ to change, sex happens in a certain way etc etc. Well no it doesn’t, and there we are, I’ve found out more about you, and I just don’t think we work. This coupled with the fact that in-between dates, there has been no in-depth chatting or conversation, texting, or anything of that ilk, then the solution is simple. You’re a lovely guy Reece, but you’re not for me. And with that, we have the dates of 2017.

‘I wish I could give you a hug right now, and tell you just how much I loved you’ - me

If I look at one thing that has shifted dramatically, it’s my relationship with Dan. I don’t think I ever imagined it would get to the place that it would get to, or the place it would be in now. As far as I knew, the bad stuff was mostly over, by January we were fine again, the stuff off the old, September 2016 had been dealt with, and we were able to continue being friends. Or so, as I have often naively thought, was the case. The thing is, with Dan, it has never been simple, and unfortunately I feel that that is often a recurring theme of our relationship.

After all the shit that had happened, between the summer of 2016, and October that year, things were finally in a good place. We were getting on and enjoying spending time with each other. Come December that year, another leaf of openness was turned, as I revealed how much of a sexual deviant I was. Not only was I open with him sexually, asking him opinions and for advice on what I was going to wear to the fetish New Years party, but I felt like we were extremely close for the first time in a long time. It felt like first year again, 2015. None of that buillshit of second year of not speaking, for once, everything in our relationship was actually perfect, almost. There were underlying difficulties though. He’d revealed to me just how much he still thought about and cared for Tom, and this was far before January had even began to fully unfold. But whatever, it wasn’t so much of a big deal I thought, it wasn’t going to affect our friendship. A more mounting concern was over his heart condition, which was pretty scary to me. Not knowing what could be causing a supposed perfectly healthy 21 year old to have a heart rate the pace of a squirrel was concerning, especially when healthcare professionals were weighing up if there could be serious implications.

Either way, come the start of January 2017, we were back in Cardiff, and it was business. We were talking openly about the situation with Tom, for both of us, the prior academic year. It had been mad for me, accusations that I was going around and hurting him, and things just being miserable for me, for Dan, him dating him and connecting with him in ways he’d not experienced with others before.

That was all well and good, but out of that drew a sadness for me. Which we discussed at length. One night at a party, I remember texting Dan to say how emotional the situation was making me, and we told each other how much we cared for each other. With that, after I’d come back from the party, he came over. We did some sexual stuff. Nothing more than we’d done before. To me, it wasn’t some part of a sexual awakening or renewed or invigorated sexual episode leading to more escapades. Purely at that moment, there was a lot of emotion flying around, and us being together at that time felt like the only way it could be expressed. That’s how I see it anyway. Purely a way of expressing those emotions at that one distinct time.

It was probably one of the most emotional, intimate moments I’d ever had with him, anyone. Not only was there kissing, we were literally telling each other how much we loved each other. There was a sexual element too, but this wasn’t the main focus. He’d tell me how much he loved me, and I him, and then we’d embrace and hold each other and kiss each other.

And I knew a moment like that was rare, or more likely, not going to happen / come around ever again / so I tried to enjoy it. However, in the back of my mind, I knew that I had to not let myself fall into the previous traps of first year and the prior months. Looking back, I don’t think that moment made any of those things happen, as in, it didn’t change my feelings towards him or have a newfound perception that there was going to be this new intimacy, not only had I securely reaffirmed in my mind that, despite this one night, this wasn’t to be a frequent thing, that’s not what he wanted, I knew, deep down, that there were upcoming challenges for us.

The landscape was clearly changing. He was still clearly holding strong feelings for Tom, and I think I cared about Dan more dearly at that point than I had in a long time, maybe at any other point.

The Second Year Footnote It’s important to look at the climate of our relationship at that point. Just a few months ago, I’d been wrecked with annoyance. The summer of 2016, saw our friendship crumble. Year 2 had been a bad year for us anyway, and that was largely reconciled at the end of the year during pub golf. Just a few nights before we all went away for the summer, I had an outing with my soon to be housemates and Dan’s friends. While it was a long time ago, I distinctly remember it being awkward, me being in a weird pissy mood with him. By the end of the night though, we were reconciling in Live-Lounge, I was the most drunk I’d been in a long time, and I let him have it. Considering when I’m normally that drunk I remember very little, I’m still surprised that I remember telling him exactly how I felt. How I hate how he’d treated me, and that I’d had feelings for him, but him being a dick throughout second year and us failing to speak, had eventually helped me clear my mind and get over him.

What happened between me saying all of that, to him ending up in my bed is quite a bit more hazy. At the end of the day, little did I know was that I still contained an STI I’d received after Poland. Me believing it had been treated, turned out not to be the case. While giving someone an STI is complicated enough, it’s even more complicated when he has to tell the guy that he has massive feelings for and has just ended things with (largely because of you) that you might have given it to them.

And largely with that, the awkwardness drawn out of that situation, was enough to spell a period where we weren’t really talking again.

Second Year Awkwardness Spills into Third Year

Suddenly third year started off a bit odd. I had Dan, coming into my house all of the time. Playing video games, seeing his other mates, and largely leaving space between us. I remember the first time he came round, the day I happened to move in, in September 2016 to the new place, and his friend Josh had also moved in that day. With my door propped wide open, even though I had a mate in there with me. I just saw him flash past the corner of my eye. Not even a hello, or anything, and he was gone.

‘Oh right okay’ was the first thing that came to my mind. That’s how the atmosphere is gonna be like for this year is it? This kinda thing continued. He’d be often over, not that I’d be aware or informed, see his other mate/s then be gone. Or be round for pres and drinking, and the next thing I knew he’d be out. When he wasn’t here, Josh would often bring him up to their other home mate. He’d mention things, and I’d normally hear about what he was doing just by overhearing. I’m pretty sure it was how I’d heard that he was a growing concerned about his heart.

Things looked largely set to continue, until one evening when he was finally a bit drunk, and came into my room with Josh, who’d come in to ask me something - He kissed me on the head and told me how he’d missed me. But it just didn’t feel right or okay, not with how things were being. So I gave him the cold shoulder. He soon got the message, as he messaged me and we addressed it. After that, things were sorted, and it was no longer awkward. We were finally starting to mend our friendship, so by the time January 2017 came around, not only had we been sharing new and differing aspects of our lives, we were distinctly close compared to prior periods. Great Right?

Back to January 2017

In some sort of strange way, January 2017 seemed like some sort of Romeo & Juliet, Tristan and Isolde moment. The brief time of perfection where we were closer then we had ever been, was short lived. In relation to our timeline, there was this moment where we’d felt so close, and there was nothing getting in the way of us being very close. There was no difficult situation to deal with, no elephant in the room that needed addressing immediately.

I’ll always see this very short lived moment in our relationship as something quite beautiful. Looking back in more recent months, it’s not something that I ever often think about. Because Dan is still a part of my life today, I see our current relationship as news of the day, and that’s something I’m content with in different ways. While it’s far less intense, it’s also far less fulfilling, but it’s something I fully accept, and am more than comfortable with.

That previous moment certainly wasn’t a continuum. Yes, the heart thing was a growing concern, but Tom, this ‘Tom thing’ was growing to become a far bigger deal. That was consuming everything our relationship was worth, not simply a small aspect to how he or I were feeling, but something far bigger, it threatened to swallow the relationship whole - everything we were or had, whole.

The brief context behind Tom, was that Dan had been on a number of dates with ‘the pastors son’, a part French / Flemish guy from a religious family background, who did the same course as I, in the year below us. Before Dan even knew who he was, I’d met him. We’d been on one date, but had chatted continually before that. It got to crunch time and after one short lived kiss, things got out of hand. He started to tell others that we were dating, and shortly after, that I was abusing him. I became distraught, reported it (nothing happened), and I worked to move on with my life. Meanwhile, Dan and I weren’t really properly talking anyway during second year (he had bigger fish to fry), and by the time I’d reconciled with him months later, he’d been dating this guy.

When I told Dan of the back story between Tom and I, things went a little mad, and Dan broke it off. But there was one thing to break it off with someone. There’s another to still be head over heels for them, and be unable to shake intense feelings of yearning and longing for someone.

Enter End of January 2017.

There were small hints that this Tom thing was becoming a growing concern affecting Dan’s happiness. At a course mates Halloween Party that I brought him along to, a girl that I was friends with recognised Dan and made remarks, Dan became very awkward. But there were other moments like these, that when I questioned him, were less to do with these people judging and making small remarks, but more about how Tom was very much, still the topic of the day.

Once he had fully opened up, it became clear how extensive this was. Reading the messages nightly before bed, thinking about him continually, and comparing seeing every other person he’d meet to being with him. He told me that if a mate went for drinks with him, he would leave wishing it was Tom he could be with.

At the end of the day, I thought I knew where I stood. I was never going to fulfil this role, but I still cared and continue to care for him, and wanted what was best for him. So I encouraged him to, situation permitting, push for more contact with Tom.

He may have ceased contact summer prior because of me, but if he felt about him with this much intensity, still, months later, what was the point in punishing himself, especially if he truly felt that he loved this guy.

Come late January / early feb, we had a house party for my housemate (I believe it was his birthday, and Rob and I invited a load of course people, you know to make it bit more fun and less shit. Well that was all well and good, and plenty of people turned up. But so too did Tom, and well it being a house party for Dan’s close mate at the time, so did Dan.

Their level of contact amounted to a couple of gazes across a kitchen table. Well I say gazes, it was more like one of those awkward glances you give someone you hooked up with while they're shopping with their parents. Those brief moments of eye contact left Dan panicking, resulting in him locking himself away, hidden in my room, where I spent much of my time with him that night. Safety?

But after that night, everything changed. This issue, if you could call it that, of how Dan was feeling towards Tom, was growing, and Dan was becoming more and more soul-stirred by this entire thing.

That was it. Something had to give. But let’s not forget how I was feeling. At this point, the growing issue over Dan’s heart health was giving me more and more cause for concern. The level of stress was going through the roof. On one night out, I walked out balling my eyes out having to talk to a friend on the phone because I was that concerned. Yes I was pissed out of my mind, but I’d had no one to discuss with just how worried I was feeling when I was sober, and it all built up when I was drunk. That fear, the fact there was this glimpse, a glimmer that he might not exist, or be around, made me incredibly sad. In fact, just writing this, brings a small tear to the eye. This is well over a year later, with much of that negated.

His heart was my main concern, we were showing more of an emotional connection for each other, and then him coming in loving Tom was suddenly appearing. It was like something out of a film. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t / couldn’t be happening.

So what was to come next? The only thing that could happen, the thing that I pushed him toward. He got in touch with Tom, and for the next month or so, the rest was absolutely fucking history.

The level of contact slowly increased, at least as far as I was made aware, a couple of messages, grew to the point where they were sending strings of messages and conversing continually, and I found myself slowly ignored. I allowed myself to become a little obsessed. So much so in-fact that I could tell if they were messaging each other based on when they both went on and offline on whatsapp in tandem push-pull-push. I’d stare watching for a few minutes then realise I was going fucking mad, and needed to stop.

Not a few days passed, when I received a message. The message.

‘He says we can meet’

///

‘I just saw him, that was really sad, but it is clear now.’

Things couldn’t have been less clear. They met. And we talked about it, I tried to offer him words of reassurance, but within a day or two it became even clearer. The feelings had intensified once more. He was properly holding feels for Tom now.

‘The way we look at each other and stuff’ ‘It’s not just friends’ ‘I can’t see it changing’

We would then discuss at length the future for him and if that future involved a Tom. The answer was simple apprehension. No one knew. There was no clarity, we were just talking and mulling for the sake of mulling and nourishing in this issue. There was no resolution. But with the sun now shining over Dan’s love for Tom, the clouds were forming above and around me. My feelings were becoming muddied, juxtaposed with the confusion and panic over the continuing heart problems. Let’s run an echo test here, ECG there.

It was heartbreaking but as time went on, I’d only work harder to give Dan the answer I was happy for him to hear no matter how much it was going to crush my soul ‘But did you share the emotional connection with Jon that you share with Tom?’ No, the answer was no. Tom was always stronger.

We then discussed love, what is love, what is the difference between loving someone and being in love? I guess the simple answer, reading back through those messages was that I simply was in love with Dan? Was I? If I wasn’t in love, its the closet thing to being in love that I’ve ever experienced.

‘But I can’t deny how it feels good when I get to hug you or hold you.’ If that’s not me being in love then I don’t know what is.

Everything was becoming too much. He was still talking to him every day. And me being me, had to produce a little soliloquy, like some sort of fucking poet.

‘Do you want to know what I propose?’

‘That we take a break. 5 days to a week. Obviously you might be round or something and I’ll be civil. But I think you need some time to get your head together a bit more. I honestly don’t feel like the current state is helming either of us tbh, and I don’t want you be feeling guilty al the time. Take 5 days to a week. We’ll talk then, and see if it’s allowed you to do some thinking, and see how you feel. Obviously, don’t let that change how you do / act about anything else. Just to give yourself some time to actually properly think about things. I don’t think I’m helping.

After some deliberation, it was agreed.

I barely managed 24 hours. Why? Because I’d seen that Tom had posted he was with him on Snapchat. That was it, everything came crashing down, again. That was it, madness looking back on it.

Breaking point.

Of course, I didn’t mention that in-between these events, when I said breaking point I meant it. I was avoiding making contact with other people. I was starting to turn off my phone or leaving it at home when I went about my day to avoid having to respond to people and see messages come up. But most importantly, I didn’t want to see or be reminded of Dan.

So the next best thing was to go to a counsellor. I went to a drop in session, so close to despair. I blurted it all out ‘I’m in love with someone, that loves somebody else, and they could be dying. They’re probably not dying but there’s talk of this irregular heart rhythm, being related to something not right in the brain and I don’t know what the hell is going on arghh oh my god’. The latter part of that sentence, closer to how my mini ‘describe whats wrong’ speech was actually formed. But words to that effect came out.

‘Okay, we can probably get you some counselling for all of that.’ In the mean time, ‘drink plenty of fluids and get exercise.’ Wait I’m sorry, I went to see someone about my mental health not about me trying to loose my beer gut. okay then…

Life continued, I self medicated. I would ring my best friend from home daily, sometimes two or three times, and just tell him everything. My mental state was so bad that, in the days leading up to my election campaign I was inches from catching a train home to stay back with my parents and confessing everything to them. And when I say everything, I don’t know where the start, and where the end of those confessions would have happened. I didn’t go home. Waking my housemate up at 3 in the morning to go for a 2 hour long walk solved things luckily. What a time to be alive. Back to day to day life:

More soliloquy’s pursued.

It had all been ��building up’ to this moment. If that were quite possible. It was the ‘final time’ he was going to see Tom. Talk things through with him, and maybe resolve to never see him again. Somehow I’d managed to work up and conjure thoughts in my head. The craziness had well and truly kicked in again by this point. I was so desperate to see what it was that he loved about him so much. What was it, that he had, that I didn’t. What could he provide that I never could, why did he love him so much.

I walked out the door. I walked around, taking a break at a particular spot to see if I would see them. But nope, nothing. That was pointless, I’d worked myself up for nothing, desperation to see them together, see how they could interact, only sent my mind swirling. Especially with the knowledge that he was going back to his that night.

Back at home, barely tucked in, thumbs were busy at work…

Closing thoughts: I want you to really think this next couple of weeks about how you really feel about Tom. I bet you're spending the night with him tonight.

The pain for me right now generally is unfathomable. It feels like a betrayal to tell me you love me then rush to see him so quickly. But. I can and will get through this. It's going to take a long time though. You have to know this is something you just cannot be here with me for. You know. I find this weird because to most people, they wouldn't even consider doing what you're doing by seeing someone who had caused someone they cared about so much pain. They'd be like fuck that shit and not want to take things further.

Which says to me, that he must be really so very special for the fact that you are having great difficulty in ending things with him and that you would even go as far as you have done in terms of seeing him. I don't think you want to hurt me, and I'd like to think that losing the relationship that we have must be a high enough stake to pay if you're willing to still consider seeing him.

For us, I think honestly think the fact you've gone this far has to spell the end of what we have together. It simply cannot be and cannot work in this way. Spend the next couple of weeks to really think properly about how you feel about him. I don't want you to think about me. Because honestly mate, I think we are past this point. I just don't see how we can ever get past this point. As I've said before we've always been doomed 😂.

I'll always love and care about you. And that's what makes this so tough. But I can't allow you to hurt me anymore. And I know you don't want to. So I'm doing what's best for the both of us, and saying that I think this is it for us man. We have hit the end. This is that brick road. That one thing we can't overcome together. And I really wish it never had to be like this. Words cannot describe how much happiness and joy I wish your life to have. And I hope I've given you a fraction of that and that you've enjoyed my company. I just don't see how we can go back from this I really don't. I'd love to hear what you think. But I know your head isn't clear right now, and I know you probably feel guilty for hurting me.

But I'm putting a stop to all of this hurt, so no one is going to be getting hurt anymore okay.

Talk to me in a couple of weeks properly. I hope you'll have the respect to, for once, actually give me a proper idea through how you've been feeling, what's been going through your head, and how you'll be proceeding things with Tom. I know you'll find that extremely difficult. But I've always been open with how i felt. I feel like you can return this favour as a last hurrah to me at least.

This is all I have to say for now. But I hope the next two weeks is therapeutic for the both of us. I just wish to put a stop to all of this pain and suffering. This cannot continue any longer. I can't take it, it's not healthy and I'm becoming ill because of it.

So as I said. No more pain. No more suffering. I'm just going to try and mend things for myself for the next couple of weeks, and I hope you can figure out exactly how you actually feel.

I love you. But goodbye for now.

How fucking dramatic. And you know what, we’re not even halfway through yet.

So the next day that was it.

On a mere few hours sleep.

We’d agreed to meet.

Not in some warm house like normal people or on a bed. But I was sat at a park, just there, contemplating. There wasn’t a lot to contemplate, there wasn’t a lot to think, anything else to process.

I’d been sat there for quite some time in the rain before he arrived. I was ‘gathering my thoughts’. School children wandered through the park, and a women walking her dog to and fro smiled at me a few times as she kept looping back and forth.

Then he appeared. He sat down. It was that moment that I looked at his face, and how he couldn’t look me in the eye. The face I’m sure I pulled when I found out Aidan had died. Complete withdrawal, everything is up there, in your mind, yet nothing at the same time. Nothing to be said, nothing to be done.

Yet we both spoke, then stopped. There was some hand holding. Very slow sentences were exchanged, the words few and far between. When the words did finally begin to flow, that was it, no turning back.

‘So you’ll never ever want to be with me?’ ‘I have asked myself why but I just don’t’

‘What do you actually think of me?’ I don’t really remember the answer this question.

The rest of the questions I asked or anything else. It was just noise, a blur, hard horrible calming words.

All I remember is the hysterical crying on my part. The rain beginning to fill the atmosphere, the hand holding, and a strange sort of closeness that could be borne only out a disaster. While it felt like a strangely horrifying moment, it was closure. This really was the end. The end to all of this pain. The end to how it was going to be between me and him, and how I finally had to accept, that no matter what I did, he was never going to love me. Not in that way. But that moment strangely also gave me hope.

Why, I’m really not sure, but I remember the way we chatted, it seemed to go some way to us resolving that we could still have a relationship together like before, and there was no reason this couldn’t continue. Which in many extents was correct, but as of today, has begged to show otherwise.

So I guess the question was, going by all of the shit that happened in second year, spending months to heal enter a meditative state and recover, why was I still in love with him? What had driven me to this crazy mental state where I was unable to use my phone without watching a two people ping-pong in conversation, or me feel sick enough to have to and seek counselling.

I guess you could break it down. Firstly in second year when I was forced to recover, I was over him in the sense that I didn’t think Dan was a good person, a proper friend that I would want to have a relationship with (a romantic one). That feeling had gone. Second year had been a lot about anger, and ‘rage’ well not quite rage, but more annoyance and distaste for how he treated me, as a character. That was not to say I didn’t still love him. Because obviously deep down I still did.

Then there was the fact that, even though I had fulfilled a lot of healing, his liking Tom brought back a lot of feelings of the past (not about Dan, but about a time of pain and suffering), and with those feelings came in mixed feelings of love for Dan.

Of course, I can’t forget the heart. When I believed he could be critically ill, it just made me worry and panic so much. How could someone that I’d shared what I felt to be a uniquely close relationship with, be potentially so ill that my head was contemplating stories of their ceasing existence.

But finally, the fact is simple. I still was in love with Dan. I think it’s hard to fall out of love with someone no matter how much they hurt you. And you always forget, just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you can be with them. Me not being with him, didn’t mean I didn’t love him.

So why did those final moments with him in the park, and the subsequent wetherspoons give me hope?

It was simple really. Everything was fine and dandy before, and it could be fine and dandy again. There was no reason that we couldn’t return to normal and be proper friends. And I did truly believe that. For a while that was the case, but 2018 has shown me, that nothing in this world is consistent or ever stays the same. Especially not, my relationship with Dan.

Finally actually healing.

No sooner had the eruption happened, was the emotional fallout being cleared. It might have been a nuclear blast, but it came without the fallout. It’s crazy to think just how quickly I actually medicated and began to get over things after it all that time.

I guess I’d had my moment. Like when you’re having sex and you’re desperate to cum. You cum. You’ve done your bit. That’s it, you’re happy, you’re content, you don’t need to cum again. The park was that moment. I had to hear certain things being said that one final time. So I could sleep, and sleep with a smile on my face, because I knew I had the answers my heart, not my head needed to hear (my head already knew all of those things).

I can’t deny something else didn’t help. The way Dan described other guys falling for him. One or two dates and they’d be falling at their feet, desperate to date him. ‘Look at all of these guys falling for me’ it just stank of, ‘look how easy it is to get guys to fall for me, and then I’m gonna abuse that’. He didn’t say those things, but that’s what my mind was telling me he was basically saying.

It made me feel a fool. I was just another one of those worthless guys, that didn’t mean much to him, that had fallen for him and then gotten rejected. I asked him if he was going to talk about the other guys feelings once ‘nah probably just fuck him, and get take out’. How lovely. Has the past 3 months, 6 months, year, yearsss, not taught you anything at all?

I get that you’re hurting in-turn yourself, but how could you think I would see you in a good light for saying those things and acting in that way?

It made me feel a complete idiot, a numpty, how could I be so stupid, clearly I’d misread him and how he actually felt and just allowed my attraction to take me this far. Clearly I’d mistaken all of that closeness.

Obviously it wasn’t that extreme, but that’s how it felt in my head at the time. And it really was a string of guys. Chiron, Miguel, Ben. They’d all fallen for him. And i’m not saying that our relationship was that frivolous, and hearing him say that I knew him ‘more deeply’ than anyone else in the world was obviously an achievement and showed how close we were. But in my head, well clearly someone (you, Seb) got a bit too carried away here, you fucking idiot.

Reflection.

There is little that can be done to reflect on the situation now, other than the more recent months of 2018. That point in my life is truly behind me. What I really think looking back on it all is, I wonder how it will affect future relationships. I know that my tolerance towards people has actually decreased massively. I found myself clearing out conversations with old guys and people I used to chat with. The old me would be readily saving those, ready to read whenever the extremely rare occasion amounted that I’d like to go over them. So in my head things have changed.

I can’t say I’m not glad that I’m over Dan. Finally, after all of this time. But as Owain said about Pete, there will always be a part of me that just feels like it belongs to him. And that, will probably never change. He is a birthmark, a tattoo, etched into me forever.

End of Chapter 2.

The final - chapter 3 next - a twink, and the months beyond 2017.

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dergonageloser · 7 years ago

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okay I know there’s already a few Inquisitor!Fenris fics out there but I’m just gonna slide my own in somewhere. this is a quick draft of the first chapter/snippet/whatever, i doubt i’ll actually be able to write a whole story but w/e

Hawke’s heart pounded in her chest, echoing the rumbling blast that shook the earth below her feet. The trees around her shuddered, cracked, some limbs and leaves crumbled and fell about her. Snow slid of their banks and branches and stones, powdered by the disturbance.

She stared in the direction of the Conclave, eyes wide and stinging, mouth ajar, body strung tight like a bow ready to fire. A single breath passed her lips in a faint cloud, her grip on her staff white, tight, and both frozen and burning at the same time. A step forward, a tremble through her knee. Another step forward, then another more quickly, and then she was running, running towards the black pillar of fire and death where the Temple of Sacred Ashes had stood.

Branches struck her face and body as Hawke plowed through the forest, kicking up snow and stones, disregarding her earlier stealth for the urgent need to find her husband.

Fenris. He’d been there, observing (spying), taking note of anyone interested in the Champion’s whereabouts. He’d also been there to get a feel for the situation at hand, of how the tentative talk between the warring mages and templars would go. The life and wellbeing of his wife, a mage, kind of depended on it.

Something warm trickled down her cheeks, chilling instantly and irritating the skin. Hawke scrubbed at her eyes, irritably, frustration and fear building in her chest, warring cold and heat pooling there like a vicious maelstrom. She skirted around a cluster of trees, jumping down a small cliff jutting off the side of the sloping mountain.

Hawke had told him not to go. He was too recognizable, and his safety was worth more than hers. But he wouldn’t be dissuaded, as he was at least as stubborn as she was, if not more.

I won’t be there long, he’d assured her.

It doesn’t take long at all to be shredded apart in devastating explosion, as her personal experience told her.

My fault, my fault my fault my fault—

There was nothing to be done for the familiar mantra chanting in her head, beating against her chest with icy claws. She pressed on, ignoring the aching chill in her feet and her hands. Her face was wet with tears, sweat, and the condensation from her quick, hot breath.

Not soon enough, she caught sight of a village. Haven. Varric should be there, if his recent notes were any indication. The notes were few, now that he was in the custody of one of the Seekers, but he was a clever man and he found a way.

There were screams drifting from the village, wails of fear and horror as a chaos of movement bustled through the village. The shockwaves from the blast had rattled the wooden cottages and huts, bits of debris floated in the air, ash drifted down like snow. The gates drew closer with each grating breath, each shaky step, but it wasn’t fast enough.

Hawke rushed past the scrambled guards, through the gate and into the village. It was a mess. A guard or two tried to grab her, an obvious intruder, but she easily shook them off—perhaps punched one, she wasn’t really paying attention— and lost them in the mayhem. She frantically scanned the crowd for a crossbow, a hairy chest, anything to indicate her best friend.

There, arguing fiercely with a tall, armored woman. His cheeks were pink with cold, but under that he was pale with fear and stress and worry, his brow pinched in frustration. The woman, the Seeker, was arguing back, her face a painting of shock and grief and rage it was a wonder she didn’t combust.

“Varric!” Hawke cried, sprinting towards him.

He looked up, eyes widening at the sight of her. He pushed past the Seeker, who whirled around in fury but froze when she saw who Varric was turning to.

“Hawke!” Varric responded, pushing through the crowd. “What in Andraste’s flaming knickers—!”

“Fenris was at the Temple!” Hawke all but screamed. She stopped short of him, her chest heaving—nearly sobbing—and it was all she could do not to fall to her knees. “He was there—he was—Varric—”

Varric paled, sucked in a harsh breath. He reached out and gripped her elbows, holding her shaking body still—as still as it could be anyway. His eyes bored into hers, searching for something, a lie perhaps, a chance that she wasn’t in the right of mind.

When he found nothing but desperate fear, he opened his mouth—

“Champion!” a woman’s voice interrupted.

Hawke whipped her head up to see the Seeker marching towards her, a righteous fury blazing in her eyes and bleeding from her pinched brow and the tight-lipped grimace of her lips. A burst of defiant anger bubbled in Hawke’s chest, but now wasn’t the time, there wasn’t time.

When the Seeker was close, she hissed, “Varric, you lying scheming bastard of a—!”

“Yes, we covered that bit,” Varric replied, impatiently waving his hand at her. “There are at least a couple more pressing things right now, Seeker.”

The Seeker turned her fury to Hawke. “Did you have a hand in this?” she demanded, hand gripping the hilt of her sword.

Hawke could have laughed at the hilarity of the statement. After all, it wasn’t the first time she was involved in the destruction of a holy establishment, and it seemed to be something of a recurring theme. But all she could feel was anger, stemming from the multitudes of emotions that whirled inside her at that moment.

“Contrary to popular belief, I actually don’t enjoy blowing up churches,” Hawke snapped. Her hand still held her staff, fingers tightening around it in response to the Seeker’s implied threat. “Particularly if my husband was inside one.”

That gave the Seeker pause, but it was a small thing.

“Why, then, was he there?” she asked, her tone biting.

“Oh for bloody—this really isn’t the time for that!” Hawke slashed her free hand in the air. “I’m going to find him, and I’m taking Varric with me, thank you very much.”

Heat flared in the Seeker’s cheeks, but from anger. She jutted her chin out and lifted her head in a commanding fashion.

“You’ll do no such thing,” she spoke, with the tone of an officer. “I cannot allow you two outside of Haven.”

“The fuck you will—!”

“Enough, you two!” Varric stepped in between them, looking from one to the other. “We’re losing daylight and we won’t find Fenris by fighting!”

Hawke bit her lip and breathed heavily through her nose, turning away. With a glance around, she realized her rather loud conversation with the Seeker had attracted onlookers, with varied expressions of confusion and horror. Villagers and soldiers alike, murmuring to each other in worried voices. The air was thick with tension, tasted and smelled like nauseating fear.

A voice rose above the crowd, firm and solid, “Troops! Rally to me!”

Cullen. Of course, of course he was here.

The Seeker nodded in his direction as soldiers rushed past them and gathered where Cullen likely was. “The Commander will organize the troops to rally the defenses. Leliana will assist by sending out search parties for survivors. Everything is being handled, and you are not leaving my sight.”

Hawke, in that moment, had an internal debate. She’d sparred with Aveline before, and while she couldn’t match for strength, she could with speed and magic. This Seeker, intimidating as she was, had nothing on Aveline’s sheer force of existence. The question, however, was whether or not it was a good idea to strike down the person holding Varric in custody and likely commanding a troop or two.

No, it wouldn’t be a good idea, but since when has that stopped her?

Varric, as though sensing her aura of bad life decisions, turned to her and took her hand.

“Hawke, I know you’re scared—,” he paused, blinked, then shook his head. “Damn, you’d think a writer could come up with better. Look, everything’s on fire up there.” He gestured to the Temple, where pillars of billowing smoke stood out against the snowy peaks like a fly in milk, or, rather, a hundred flies in milk. “If you go up there, there’s a hell of a chance you’ll get hurt too. Besides, by the time we even got there, the search parties will have already done their thing.”

Hawke narrowed her eyes. “So I’m just supposed to sit here while Fenris might be—no, I need to find him.”

“We’ll just get in the way,” Varric reasoned. “All of this sucks and it goes against everything you are, I know, but the best we can do right now is deal with what’s happening here.”

“Oh? And what’s happening here?”

The Seeker pointed to the sky. “That.”

Hawke looked up, and her jaw dropped.

A great, gaping chasm, ripping through the sky, as though a giant claw tore through blue fabric. It glowed with a sickly green light, unnatural, unreal. Then, as she stared, it pulsed with energy, spreading in a wave across the sky and over the mountains. The pulse, the energy, hummed with a sort of magic that she’d never felt before. It was sick, nauseating, like smoke sticking to her lungs.

“We think there may be more, smaller ones scattered across the countryside,” the Seeker continued. “Demons are appearing around the village already, and we do not know why.” She turned her gaze to Hawke, harsh and firm. “That is why we need you here.”

“I’m not your soldier,” Hawke retorted stubbornly.

“No, but you’re a Champion of the people, and these people need you.”

“Fenris needs me.”

The Seeker’s gaze softened, just a little, but she gritted her teeth. “He may already be dead.”

“Don’t you even—”

A hand on her arm. “Hawke,” Varric spoke. “We don’t have time. If Fenris is alive then he’s being brought here as we speak, and this place needs to be clear of demons before he gets here. Let’s do what we can, alright?”

Hawke glowered, her grip on her staff tightening and loosening and tightening again. Then, she deflated.

“Fine,” she gritted out, then turned away without another word.

#fenris #hawke #fenhawke #f!hawke #inquisitor!fenris #dragon age #dragon age 2 #dragon age: inquisition #da:i #au #tink's writing

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comprosedreviews-blog · 7 years ago

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Wednesday with Colleen!

Eyyyyoooooo! It’s Wednesday which means REVIEW TIME! Yay!

Today’s Review: Wild Space by Karen Miller

Genre: Science Fiction/ Star Wars

(Yes another Star Wars book because Star Wars is ridiculous sometimes all the time and I can talk about it for hours)

My Rating: 4.5/10 Goodreads Rating: 3.8/5

Okay okay so right off the bat I’m going to tell you I have a love/hate relationship with this book. This is going to be a completely honest and no-holds-barred review. I love it because half of it is good and the other half is complete trash. There I said it.

This book takes place right smack dab in the middle of the Clone Wars. Here’s the backcover summary:

“The Separatists have launched a sneak attack on Coruscant. Obi-Wan Kenobi, wounded in battle, insists that Anakin Skywalker and his rookie Padawan Ahsoka leave on a risky mission against General Grievous. But when Senator Bail Organa reveals explosive intelligence that could turn the tide of war in the Republic’s favour, the Jedi Master agrees to accompany him to an obscure planet on the Outer Rim to verify the facts. What Obi-Wan and Bail don’t realize is that they’re walking into a deadly trap concocted by Palpatine... and that escape may not be an option.”

Summary courtesy of Disney Lucasfilm Press

Because who doesn’t love a winking, tea-drinking Obi-Wan?

Why I love this novel:

Alright alright, let’s start with the good stuff. A little confession: I am a complete sucker for Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi stuff (fanfiction included. Judge me if you must but I don’t care). This book is literally ALL hurt Obi-Wan. From start to finish, our poor Obi-Wan is thrown into the meat mincer both physically and emotionally. Also, the character development between Obi-Wan and Bail is amazing. Bail is such an underdeveloped character in the films/other novels. In this book he has motivation, emotional appeals, honest conversation, and humour. He is strong, smart, talented, and badass.

—————————— Spoilers Below

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Bail literally hauls Obi-Wan’s injured arse halfway across a planet. That takes dedication. He also sees the incredible duress the Jedi are under and acknowledges that they are peacekeepers not warmongers. They were just thrown into a conflict they had no desire to be a part of and expected to take command. That would be like me being forced to take over Monica’s presidency on her mock trial team with no experience. It was would disastrous for both of us but somehow the Jedi are managing pretty well in their corner of the galaxy. And I do concede, Bail was kind of an idiot but going with Obi-Wan to Zigoola (which on a completely unrelated note, totally has to win for the greatest planet name everrrrr). I mean it’s a freaking Sith planet, WHAT WERE EITHER OF THEM THINKING???? But also, Bail was incredibly brave for volunteering to go on that mission because he’s a senator. He literally works a desk job (and again the recurring theme of badass senatorial workers presents itself). Obi-Wan is quite literally put through hell in this book and continues to be overly Extra™ about it. Anyone who can’t see where Anakin got his Extra™ from needs to reread/watch everything because it’s so obvious.

Here’s one little hint if you can’t figure it out:

Obi-Wan and Bail also squabble like an old married couple for half the book which makes the book’s insufferable scenes just a little bit better knowing that’s there. For example:

“..I want your word you won’t try any of your Jedi mind tricks on me.

Kenobi’s eyes chilled. “I beg your pardon?”

“Please. Don’t insult my meager, privileged intelligence. I have access to certain... classified material. When it’s convenient, or expedient, you Jedi... influence... people.” Bail let his urbane, polished mask slip then. Let Kenobi cfatch the merest glimpse of what he kept hidden. “But I give you fair warning: attempt to influence me against my will and I’ll show you what exploiting privilege looks like.”

Kenobi nodded. “Senator.” No reluctant respect now. They were back to hauteur.

Arrogant man. Insufferable Jedi.

“So do I have your word?” He persisted. “No funny business?”

Kenobi nodded. “You have it.”

(Miller 227)

Oh yes, you read that right. BAIL DUG UP DIRT ON THE JEDI JUST SO HE COULD FIRE BACK AT OBI-WAN. THIS MAN IS A GOD.

Why I don’t like this book:

Ha. There’s so many reasons why. Let’s start with the big one. THIS BOOK READS A LOT LIKE A POORLY WRITTEN FANFICTION. Anakin and Padme are written pretty terribly. I mean they literally are the most un-subtle (is that even a word?) people in the galaxy in this book. Anakin is about as clever as a doorknob in this. He is super rude to Ahsoka, his padawan who is just trying to learn about life while BEING IN A WAR. Anakin is love-crazed and Obi-Wan obsessed in this. He literally questions Obi-Wan so much that it causes Obi-Wan to have a RELAPSE OF HIS INJURIES. LIKE WTF ANAKIN THAT’S TOO FAR??? HE’S YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOU JUST EFFING CAUSED HIM TO HAVE LIKE A SEIZURE?????? THAT DEFINITELY DOES NOT SEEM LIKE FRIENDSHIP TO ME???????? AND PADME???? DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HER? SHE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OVERLY DRAMATIC.

CHILL OUT PADME YOU’RE NOT GOING FOR A DAYTIME EMMY HERE YOU’RE JUST TALKING TO OBI-WAN. Obi-Wan tells her that she’s not allowed to see Anakin and she just cannot accept that. She gets all huffy and gives Obi-Wan the cold shoulder. Like Padme, he’s just following the rules. Calm down. You’re not allowed to see Anakin, idk because YOU’RE NOT HIS FAMILY MEMBER?????

Padme and Obi-Wan get into this hissy fit worthy of an episode of a soap opera:

“So,” she said, her heart pounding. “You blame Anakin for what happened.”

Obi-Wan stood and half turned away from her. “I did not come here to rehash the events on Geonosis. That is Jedi business, not yours.”

“Then get to the point or return to the Temple, Obi-Wan,” she retorted. “I didn’t invite you here. And I’ve permitted you to stay as a courtesy, no more.”

Slowly he turned back to her. His face was pale, his clear blue eyes darkened with difficult emotions. “The point is there can be no hope for anything but a civil cordiality between you and Anakin, Senator. He has made a commitment to the Jedi Order. His life is with us. To dream otherwise is folly.”

She felt a shimmer of rage in her blood, like heat haze dancing on the Tatooine desert. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t take me for a fool, Padme!” he snapped. “Of course you do. He has feelings for you. Strong feelings that cloud his judgment and make him disobedient to the Order. Are you going to pretend you don’t have similar feelings for him?”

“My feelings are my own affair!”

“Not when they involve a Jedi!”

Breathing harshly, they glared at each other. If she could see pain in him, surely he could see it in her too.

...

Again Obi-Wan stood, and this time he walked away. “If I did not... love... him,” he said, his voice unsteady, his back turned, “I would not be here now.”

She leapt to her feet. “Then I think you and I define love very differently. I will never do anything to hurt Anakin. Can you say the same, Obi-Wan?”

He swung around, his eyes blazing. “That’s a stupid, childish thing to say!”

(Miller 29-31)

When I read this part for the first time, I sighed super loudly and had to set the book down because I could not handle the melodrama. And that’s just in the first THIRTY PAGES. There are 311 more pages of that kind of melodrama. It’s laid on thick and murky. Normally I can read a book of this size in a day. It took me a whole week to read this one because I could only read it in little chunks without getting overwhelmed by the bad drama. I guarantee this book would be about 100 pages if they cut out half of the melodrama. The only reason I was able to actually finish reading it is because of the scenes on Zigoola. That’s it. I couldn’t handle any of the scenes on Coruscant because it was just drama, drama, drama.

This book needs to have a subtitle:

Also, if you haven’t read the Snark Wars post(s) that @forcearama made for this book, you are seriously missing out. Like I’m not even joking, she deserves to work at Lucasfilm making sure that the writers actually think about what they’re writing before they write it. All of her posts amazing and Wild Space parts one through four are found here.

This concludes today’s review, enjoy reading!

Helping you navigate through the oceans of books in the world, this is Colleen, signing off.

(Here’s a bonus gif of Obi-Wan because you can never have too much Obi-Wan)

#star wars #wild space #karen miller #obi-wan kenobi #anakin skywalker #bail organa #padme amidala #ahsoka tano #the clone wars #star wars the clone wars #tcw #book review #bookblogger #books #book reader #read #science fiction #book reviewer #comPROSEdreviews

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clockworkopera · 8 years ago

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LORD OF SHADOWS THEORY: PART 5: WHY JEMMA DOESN’T REMEMBER JESSA’S WEDDING

Disclaimer: My theories are built not just on the Dark Artifices, but from all the previous books as a whole, and will contain SPOILERS if you haven’t read them. These ideas are based solely on book canon.

(edit: This was written before the release of LoS. Some ideas may be a little out of date, but still interesting!)

ON THE NAME CORDELIA

I have seen this theory out there—I was glad someone else had it too. All the girls in my family have at least one name dedicated to a favorite grandmother, aunt or other female relative. Emma Cordelia and Cordelia Carstairs. The family trees are said to be either incomplete or a bit misleading, and I was thinking James and Cordelia had a daughter that was never listed, and Emma is a descendent of Tessa on a matriarchal side. Emma’s mother’s name was Cordelia too. That would mean she would have as much demon blood as the Blackthorns and Jace.

And everyone is comparing her to Jace. (I hope that Cassandra Clare puts in a scene where the two practice together—I’d really like to see who would be better!) This will come into play in a bit.

OH, MY GLITTERY MAGNUS ONE:

He’s up to his feline eyeballs in all of this. He’s the Clave approved warlock to call when you want someone to forget something…

Ever since CC told us ‘the wedding’ Magnus has been referring to, (which Emma and Julian have no recollection of) was Jem and Tessa’s I’ve been cobbling clues (LM pg157). I’ve organized the following:

--We know Magnus performed memory magic on Clary; more than just forgetting a simple memory, but a complex continuing spell of forgetting.

--We know he asked Emma and Jules about the wedding—almost as if it were a test to see if his magic was still holding. And if this memory is gone, how many others!?

***But, here was the big question for me: Was this something Magnus did on his own, or did Jem and Tessa know? And of course, WHY?

I felt a bit like Ty going back and reconstructing a time line. During The Fiery Trial, Simon refers to Jem and his wife Tessa and they’d taught at the Academy as husband and wife in earlier stories. Ergo: Jem and Tessa’s wedding happened BEFORE Julian and Emma’s Parabatai ceremony, yet Jem introduced himself for the first time to Emma there.

***Whatever Magnus did, Jem knew about it—they had to have been in on it together or Jem wouldn’t have felt the need to reintroduce himself at the Parabatai ceremony. And the spell of forgetting happened before the Parabatai ceremony***

Theory: Some event happened that needed a magical cover up by Magnus. It wasn’t until I reread The Fiery Trial that I saw a possibility. Simon and Clary’s first parabatai test was the test of WATER: “The nature of the test requires that you have no knowledge of the test,” and I wonder with Emma’s terror of the ocean coupled with the hallucinogenic water from Lake Lyn (if that was part of their trial too), if something BIG happened during this magically induced rite of passage. Something like when James Herondale ‘accidently’ turned into a Shadow for the first time. This theory could work if Emma is a descendent, and even if she’s not, Julian is. And who knows what could have happened to Julian as he tried to help her. Jem might have then come to their aid. This might be why the book covers are in themes of water and drowning—and Emma’s recurring nightmare!

When Simon describes Emma and Julian’s Fiery Trial, he says that, “the room was occupied by a ring of Silent Brothers, maybe twenty in all…” Plus Jem. It is true that this is the first Parabatai ceremony we’ve seen and it may be standard to have that many Silent Brothers attend each ceremony, but the number seemed just a bit excessive to me. That is unless they were worried about the chance of another ‘incident’ happening.

But, why a cover up?

***Possible reasons why Magnus, Jem and Tessa did this: Julian and Emma had so much of their childhood lost to them, and Tessa having been James and Lucie’s mother knew the toll and responsibility an unusual warlock talent in a Shadowhunter could be for someone so young—especially taking into account the prejudices within the Clave for a family that is already under suspicion because of Mark and Helen’s fey blood. (This would also be a good dovetail as to why CC decided to go back and do a Lost Hours book before she finished The Dark Artifices—James difficulty with his talent I think will be front and center in that series)

Like Clary, maybe an agreement was made to shield them from this knowledge until they became adults: at that point any ancestry with Tessa could be revealed—and anything that may have held hints to the truth was ‘forgotten’. Until then, Jem and Tessa keep their distance not wanting to provoke unintended memories. (It’s always bothered me that they live in L.A. right by the Blackthorns, but have never dropped off for tea or just to say hi—five years and Emma had only met Jem once? And didn’t even know how to contact him? That made no sense to me and I actually found myself disliking Jem and Tessa for it. This explanation would redeem them a bit in my eyes.)

And I wonder if that was why Jem sent Emma the gifts of sea glass that made up Julian’s bracelet—some sort of talisman to anchor Magnus’ magic? There is something about the glass…

And now:

(LM pg311) Cristina: “I heard about you. Everyone said you would be the next Jace Herondale. The next greatest Shadowhunter warrior.”

“I’m not going to be that,” said Emma. Her own voice sounded calm and small and distant in her ears. She couldn’t believe she was saying what she was saying. The words seemed to be coming out without her thoughts forming them first, as if they were creating their own reality by being spoken. “I’m not special, Cristina. I don’t have extra Angel blood or special powers. I’m an ordinary Shadowhunter.”

--If she were descended from Tessa could those words create a ‘façade’ of that belief shown to the world—like she was shape changing into the guise of normalness? Where did those words come from? It sounds like a subliminal hypnosis thing…from Magnus?

There is also this:

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(LM pg43-44) Emma took a deep breath. She remembered Julian telling her once that when things got to be too much, he imagined locking certain situations and emotions away in box. Shut them away, he’d said, and they won’t bother you. They’re gone.

(And she does, but not without consequence) … She imagined placing the box somewhere she could get to it easily, somewhere she could find it and open it again. “Emma?” Cristina said anxiously. “Are you all right? You look a little as if you might throw up.”

Click went the lock on the box. In her mind, Emma set it aside; back in the world, she smiled at Cristina. “Ice cream and bad movies sound great,” she said. “Let’s go.”

-------------------------

Thinking of Arthur’s Greek influence, it sounds a bit like Pandora’s box.

But, it’s not just Emma, there is Julian too: Julian’s talent is probably more along the lines of persuasion and politics (we still don’t know what Lucie’s talent was). His masks come from his ability to lie; like how he’s managed to convince the Clave that the LA Institute is running fine: (LM pg631) Julian: “How he didn’t know who he was sometimes, how he was capable of doing the things he did, and yet how he couldn’t not do them.” I really hope CC writes more about that in LoS too—that we get to see more from Julian’s POV.

An unintended consequence of this ‘shielding’ is that there are entire aspects of themselves they have learned to hide not just from themselves, but from each other. From the time of their Parabatai ceremony, in my opinion, they have always been in love. Magnus’ work may have hidden it, just out of reach from each other, because they both needed to be normal. It’s also might be what is hiding their growing parabatai magic from the Clave.

(LM pg619): “He hadn’t been a boy in a long, long time. It had been that boy that Emma had thought could be her parabatai. She would never have fallen in love with that Julian. But she had fallen in love with this one, without knowing it, because how could you fall in love with someone you only half-guessed existed.”

AND:

Their night on the beach: (LM pg428): Julian: “We never said we loved each other,” he said. “Not once.”

That couldn’t be true. Emma searched her memories, as if she were rummaging desperately through her pockets for a lost key. She’d thought it. Julian Blackthorn, I love you more than starlight. She’d thought it but she hadn’t said it. And neither had he. We’re bound together, he’d said. But not: I love you.

But, it also makes me wonder who Emma would be if she let her masks fall. And if Magnus’ magic wears off sooner than expected and they begin doing strange things, would Emma believe it was a symptom of parabatai madness? Would they even get back any of their lost memories or are they mostly gone like Clary’s? And if Julian and Emma find out they’ve been magically interfered with how will that effect their relationships with Magnus, Jem and Tessa? Would they feel betrayed, not feel very trusting when it comes to asking for help in really important matters like figuring out the Parabatai curse? Remember how furious Clary was with Jocelyn.

Simon suspects the truth about Julian’s feelings, although he never spoke of it to Clary in TotSA. I can’t imagine it has never come up since. As for everybody else (Magnus, Jem and Tessa)—I think as long as Emma and Julian keep repeating Magnus’ mantra they won’t see it either.

I wonder if Tavvy knows though. Julian stormed off that night to save Emma when she nearly drowned and I don’t think he took the time to lock his secret door behind him. If Tavvy came looking for him or had a nightmare he might have seen Julian’s artwork of Emma—and how many times has Julian fallen asleep with the Law book opened to the Parabatai page. He’s a smart kid who put together who Lady Midnight was and is probably reading about Silas Pangborn and Eloisa Ravenscar in his copy of A Treasury of Tales for Nephilim. I think he’s observed a lot more between Julian and Emma than anyone thinks. I wonder if that is one of the roots for his nightmares—if he’s afraid he’ll lose his family.

Cristina also knows the truth, and I think she saw hints before she even knew: (LM pg80) “The room was full of bright light, and it cast an odd halo over Emma and Julian blurring out their features.” And Jem says in the Fiery Trial, “When a parabatai bond is true, when friendship runs deep and honest, it can be…transcendent.”

***Also, consider all the Blackthorn kids could have a latent talent of some kind. They might be hiding that knowledge from all of them, not just Emma and Julian.

***And if Parabatai aren’t meant to be magicians is that still true with the ones with a warlock flair?

I know these theories are long. Thanks to everyone that’s hung in there. I have two more parts to go:

Part 6: Predictions on who Dies and Forecast of Final Ships (I think that box of Emma’s, and all Magnus’ protective magic will get smashed if a Blackthorn dies)

Part 7: Miscellaneous Characters throughout the Series Spectrum

Let me know what you think!

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P.S. Treasure hunting in CC’s books is so cool. After I wrote this draft I had a question on TMI Source about Clary using a resurrection rune to raise a Shadowhunter. I completely blanked on it, so I went back and it was in the apropos chapter title of CoFA Wake the Dead. I read through it again and Brother Zachariah/Jem was there :)

But I also found a quote! (In case you haven’t figured it out yet I like quotes)

(pg127) “Valentine had killed nearly all of them (Silent Brothers) while searching for the Mortal Sword, leaving alive only the few who had not been in the Silent City at the time. New members had been added to their order since then, but Clary doubted there were more than ten or fifteen Silent Brothers left in the World.”

Emma and Julian’s ceremony was only two years later—Even if the Silent Brothers managed to double their ranks in that time and Simon was right about 20 being there, then that could mean almost the entire Silent Brother contingent was at Emma and Julian’s ceremony. Again, is that number normal, or overkill?

Huh, things you didn’t know:)

And again, where might the Silent Brothers find new recruits? Go back to Theories Part 1

#Lord of Shadows Theories #The Dark Artifices #Cassandra Clare #Lord of Shadows #Magnus Bane #Jessa's wedding #Emma Carstairs #Julian Blackthorn #Cordelia #Magical cover up #locked boxes #The Fiery Trial #theories #original post

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