#the best of both worlds jonas come on now

[etapereine]

.

[outsideratheart]

Healing (Alexia Putellas x reader)

A/N: This took me a lot longer to finish than I hoped but it’s done. Grab a drink and get comfy because it’s a long one, in fact I think it’s my longest fic to date.

The world had its questions and you were well aware of the headlines.

Y/N Y/L/N quits football.

Where is Y/N Y/L/N? Here's what we know.

The best in the world has vanished.

If you find Y/N tell her Sarina is looking for her.

The last twelve months had been the hardest in your life. You thought you could prepare for it, that it would easier because you knew it was coming but that wasn't the case. The day it happened was the day your heart broke and as you buried her you knew you were burying part of yourself too.

You left the world speculating as to why you didn't extend your contract with Lyon, why you never signed for another club and more importantly people were wondering where you had disappeared to.

Both your club and country team mates knew about your personal life and the tragedy that happened shortly after the euros. 

You missed football, of course you did, but you also needed to take time away to process what had happened. A return date was never set but then the world cup happened. You watched your team mates cry after losing to Spain and you couldn't help but feel partially responsible. The game might have ended differently if you had played.

A decision had been made. It was time to return to the pitch. You had offers before and after the euros. The only question is what teams would still want you? 

The sun was setting in Barcelona as the team finished up a late training session. Most of the players stayed behind to take advantage of the free food given they knew once they got home they wouldn't have the energy to cook themselves.

“Lucy your phone is ringing” Ona shouts over to where the English defender is filling her plate. 

“Who is it?” Lucy replies. 

Ona’s face floods with guilt. Almost as if she shouldn’t be looking at the phone. This sparks interest of those around her but no one more than Keira who sees the name on the screen. 

“Y/N” Lucy all but ran back to table after hearing Keira say your name “is everything ok? Where are you? Yes I’m with Lucy. Before I hand you over promise me that you’re ok? Good” 

Keira hands over the phone and watches Lucy’s face as she tries to figure out why you called and what you are talking about. 

“Yes there are people around me. Ok, I’ll ask” 

When you hang up the phone Lucy does as you ask or at least she makes the first step. 

“Alexia” Lucy walks around to where the captain is sat with Mapi and Ingrid “Who would I talk about signing a new player?”

“It’s not our job to recruit players but if you know something that might help the club then tell me and I will ask” Alexia wasn’t stupid. She heard your name and now Lucy was asking this. It wasn’t a coincidence. 

“I can’t. This is a sensitive subject” 

“Vale. Talk to Jona and if he thinks the player is right for the club then he can set up a meeting” 

Alexia left the training facility that night thinking of you. You were at the peak of your career, many people considered you the best in the world and if she is being honest she thought you would win the Balon d’Or, not her. That night Alexia watched your highlights for hours, even the ones in the games against her. You really were a once in a generation player which makes it that much harder for Alexia to understand why you walked off the pitch at Wembley and hadn’t been seen on one since. 

The next day at training the energy felt different. Lucy and Keira had a sense of happiness that their team mates hadn’t seen before. They would gather around Lucy’s phone but then hide it when somebody came close to them. 

Jona came walking into the gym with Xavi Puig right behind him and called over both Keira and Lucy. A couple of players watch the conversation unfold and tried their hardest to read their lips.

“Ingrid, what are they saying?” Mapi nudges her girlfriend.

“They’re talking about Y/N Y/L/N” Alexia was stretching on the floor playing no part in the eavesdropping.

“How do you know?” Ingrid asks her.

“She called Lucy yesterday and then Lucy talked to me about the club signing a new player. I can’t know for sure but that’s what I think is going on”

A couple of days later you landed in Barcelona, greeted by the warm weather and your two England team mates who kept a low key appearance in the arrivals hall. You stop when you are a meter away them. You didn’t know what to do, you hadn’t seen them in almost a year. 

“Come here” Lucy throws her arms around you followed by Keira.

“We’re so happy to see you Y/N. We really have missed you” 

You remain quiet as you walk to the car. Both of them fill you in on what the team is like and you make sure to remind them that you haven’t officially signed yet.

“Jona mentioned that. You want a trial training session?”

“It’s the right thing to do” you didn’t want any special treatment. You wanted to earn the right to play for the club and not just be handed the contract.

“You could have not played football for 5 years and still run rings round all of us” Lucy knows you the most having played with her at both club and country. You were too humble in her eyes so she took it upon herself to remind you of your greatness from time to time.

“I never said I haven’t played football. That has been the thing to get me through the past 10 months” you didn’t mean to be a downer, in fact you didn’t know what you were saying until it was too late.

“How are you doing?” Keira asks from the front seat and you see Lucy eyeing you up in rear view mirror.

“Some days are harder than others and no day has been easy. She would be happy that I’m here though. She always said that if I didn’t go back to England then she’d want us to come here”

You couldn’t bring yourself to say her name. 

“She always did hate the french winters” Lucy laughs at the memories she shared with your wife.

Your mind goes back to just a couple of years ago. Lyon were playing at home and the weather was awful. You saw Natalia in the crowd shivering but still she cheered you on, she always was your biggest fan. Come rain or shine, your girl was in the audience. You hated the thought of playing without her being in the crowd but you also knew she wouldn’t want to give up your career.

“Y/N” Keira gently nudged your knee. It was obvious that you were taking a trip down memory lane and she didn’t want to scare you.

“Huh” you quickly wiped away a tear “Oh we’re here” you grabbed your backpack and jumped out of the car leaving them in the front not knowing what to do.

“Let’s leave her be. She knows we are here and will come to us when she’s ready”

You were in awe as you walked the halls of Joan Camper. The things the team has achieved were that of greatness. It was a club that created legacys and you found yourself feeling something that you hadn’t in a long time; excitement.

Lucy and Keira lead you to the locker room just as they were instructed to. The rest of the team were already out of the field which was part of the plan. There hanging in a corner locker was a training kit for you. You didn’t expect it and you definitely didn’t expect to have been given your number.

“You did this?” You ask the pair.

“Salma did. The team knows you called Lucy and when Salma heard to locker room rumours of you joining she insisted. Between us she is a big fan of yours, bigger than Luce”

“Not possible” the defender joked.

The boots were fastened and you were ready, well almost ready. There was one thing you wasn’t prepared for. You looked down at your necklace. It was a simple gold chain that held two rings: yours and Talia’s.

“I can’t do it” you slumped down in defeat and bury your face in your hands.

“Hey” Lucy crouches down in front of you “they let us wear jewellery for training, you can keep them on”

You walked out onto the field and all eyes fell on you. You felt like a spectacle and you hated the attention. They didn’t know the current version of you, they had only met the old Y/N so you channel her and introduce yourself to them during the next drinks break.

“I know some of us have met as opponents but this is different. I’m Y/N, it’s a pleasure to meet you all, I hope I can keep up” you make a joke hoping to avoid the elephant in the room.

“We’ll see about that. I’m Alexia” She is the first person to you.

“Lovely to meet you Alexia” 

It’s hard to explain the feeling when you’re playing football. It’s as if you mind switches off whilst also been completely focused. It take a few attempts to get into the rhythm that is Barcelona football but you catch on quickly. It comes as no shock to the rest of the team that you play in complete sync with Lucy and Keira. The two of them even stay back at the end to work with you on some movements that you weren’t pleased with.

Some players go shower but a few stay behind, albeit out of sight, and watch you. 

“She has a gift” Alexia says to nobody in particular.

“Nobody has seen her in over a year and this is how she is playing. Look, she is running rings around them. How is that possible?” Patri adds.

“Does anybody know where she was?” Pina asks the small group.

“No but I could ask Ingrid or Caro to ask Ada. They are best friends and surely you would tell your best friend where you are going” Mapi forms a plan in her head, one that she will soon find out to be a bad idea.

“Do it” Alexia tells the defender “We are a family here and if she joins us then we have a right to know where she has been”

When Barcelona posted a photo of you signing a contract on their socials the world went crazy. The media were relentless and the fans were quick to show their support for you even though some were skeptical about your sudden reappearance and new team. 

You ignored them for the most part as they had no idea what had happened. You fit into the team almost right away and was enjoying every game with Barcelona. You scored on your debut and had been involved in a goal every game since. Months had passed and much to your surprise you had only been asked about the missing year once or twice. 

Caro refused to ask Ada about you and Ingrid only did when her girlfriend became obsessed with finding out the truth. Ada’s answer was simple ‘I won’t tell you and if she doesn’t want you to know then you should respect her wishes’.

You remained a mystery though and for the most part the team seemed to forget about your missing year. 

When the second international window came that is when things changed and you felt like you made a friend. Mapi still wasn’t representing her country so she reached out and asked if you wanted to meet up for a coffee. 

Anybody could easily be intimidated by the blonde but you liked her. She had this energy that made you know accepting her invite was a no brainer. That and you had questions of your own. 

“How did you know?”

Mapi places down a a small coffee in a glass; a cortado. 

“I asked Keira what you ordered”

A comfortable silence took over as the two of you sipped on your coffees. You found it funny the way Mapi looked at you then her coffee and back to you again. You recognised the signs; you were making her nervous. Why though you had no idea.

You decide to make the first move and you get straight to the point much to the defender’s surprise.

“I spoke with Ada”

This got her attention. You had your suspicions but the look on her face confirmed it. Still, she played along.

“That’s nice. You’re very close, no?” Mapi tried her best to look innocent but you weren’t having any of it and the look on your face told her that.

“She had an interesting conversation with Ingrid. Do you happen to know anything about this?”

She did. You know she did. 

“No” you got a sheepish look from Mapi and you wondered if she knew how unconvincing she was being.

“I think you did. I think you got Ingrid to ask Ada about me”

“Lo siento”

“Here’s the thing I don’t understand. I know you all want to know, you’ve been whispering about me for months yet not one of you has come to me and asked me directly. You have been going behind my back trying to dig up information about a time that I clearly don’t want to talk about”

Mapi dips her head. She truly thought that her and the team were been careful but obviously not. 

“Maria, I want you to put yourself in my shoes. Would you want to talk about it with strangers when you barely talk to your best friends about it?”

The defender thinks about it for a moment. You had barely left Lucy and Keira’s side but she hadn’t really heard you talking, you were always listening to what they were saying and replying when necessary.

“It was bad wasn’t it?” She asks. 

“The worse year of my life” you confess and you can your throat close at the thought of the months in question.

“We are in jail?” 

You cannot help but chuckle at her words.

“No, I was not in jail”

“Did you kill somebody?”

“No, I did not kill anybody”

“So no crimes were committed?”

“Is that what you have all come up with? That I broke the law?” 

“Most of us, yes. Aitana think’s you were in the hospital because you were sick”

Her response came at the worst time possible. You spit your coffee out when you hear the midfielder’s suspicion. 

Technically she was right. You were in the hospital but you weren’t in the hospital.

“I wasn’t sick” 

“Clearly. Look at you, you’re huge. I mean you are big. No, you are strong”

“Calm down Mapi, I know what you mean. Thank you” 

The two of you stay in the cafe for another hour. You take this time just the two of you getting to know one another. You ask Mapi about her tattoos and she learn’s you have a few of your own which are hidden on your back. When she asks for their meaning you promise you will tell her the stories another time. 

You both walk to the metro station and by coincidence you end up of the same train. You get off before her and just before the door opens, Mapi grabs your hand.

“I’ll get them to stop. You don’t owe us an explanation, Y/N” 

“Thank you Maria” 

You’re not sure what the tattooed defender said but the whispers stopped or so you thought. They stopped whispering in front of you but little did you know the speculations were still going on behind your back. It is early in December when things come to a head and you snapped. 

“What do you mean she is staying Spain?” Alexia asked Salma. 

“That she is staying her in Barcelona. She said she might go to Valencia for a few days but that’s it” the forward wasn’t sure what to say or if she should have said anything at all.

“And you don’t think that is strange? This is woman who used to love England. The fans called her Queen of England, por dios. How can she be apart of this team if we know nothing about her. She is lying to us” Alexia ranted on and who knew how much longer she would have continued if not for Lucy interrupting her.

“Alexia, that is enough!” Lucy slams her fist on the locker before turning to her captain “She has come to this team and done nothing but good. She plays well for us and gives it her all on the pitch. Off it she makes the effort and yes sometimes she says no to things but isn’t that her right? You stand there as our captain but look at you, you’re nothing but a bully. I am ashamed to say i’m your team mate right now. That girl has been through hell these past couple of years and since coming here all you keep doing is reminding her of what has happened. You are obsessed with her. Look around, no one else is digging for information. No one is making her uncomfortable on a daily basis”

“She is lying to us. She won’t tell us where she was for over a year. She is hiding something and that isn’t fair on us” Alexia tried to defend her actions.

“Isn’t fair? Are you really that self centred? You have no right to talk about what is and is not fair. I don’t care if you are my captain, I won’t stand by you while you treat my best friend like she has done something wrong. You, Alexia, are a —“

“Lucy” The whole locker room turns upon hearing your voice “I have given up on Alexia, it’s time you do too”

“No! I won’t let her talk about you that way. You don’t deserve this”

“No I don’t but —“

“Y/N” Lucy begs you to let her fight you case.

“Walk away Lucy” 

A stare down takes place between you and Lucy. A few seconds later the defender grabs her stuff and leaves the room. To everyone else you are calm and collected but Keira recognises the look in your eye, you are furious.

“I want everyone to listen to me and listen good. My past is none of your business. To those who have let the obsession go, thank you. To those that haven’t” you look Alexia dead in the eye “I want nothing to do with you. I will remain civil on the pitch. Other than that I ask you to stay away from me. That’s if you can respect my wishes. I know it has been hard so far”

You quietly gather your things and try to ignore the multiple sets of eyes on you. With each second you can feel your chest getting tighter and you know it is only a matter second before you will no longer be able to control your breathing. You just needed to get out of there, away from prying eyes.

The hallway is the furthest you get. Your mind was filled of flashbacks, the moments that you tried so hard to bury. The past was not a pretty place, not the last year, but you know that it was only a matter of time before it came crashing down on you. 

“Y/N, are you ok?” Mapi and Ingrid are by your side, clearly the couple had left just after you.

“Natalia, she, she” 

Ingrid and Mapi shared a look, who was Natalia? They had never heard you mention a Natalia before. Both of them didn’t know what to do. Whilst you had become friends with the pair, they didn’t know you well enough to cope with this moment. 

Luckily for them Keira appears out of nowhere. The English woman clearly equipped with what to do.

“Get Lucy, now!” She whisper shouted and Ingrid goes running hoping to catch the defender before she leaves.

“Keira—Natalia”

“I know, I know. We can talk about her later if you want. Right now, I need to focus on me. Can you do that?” 

You nod your head as tears flow down your cheeks. 

“What happened?” Lucy rushes over to you.

“We found her on the floor. She kept talking about Natalia” 

“She told you?” Lucy asks shocked. She knew you wasn’t ready to tell them team but in a state of panic you might be let it slip.

“No. She only said her name” Mapi says. She couldn’t take her eyes off you. This wasn’t a panic attack, no she had seen one of those before. This was something much more intense.

A few minutes pass and Keira manages to keep your breathing under control but you’re still not ready to move. Lucy, Mapi and Ingrid stay close making sure to tell anyone who passes to keep moving.

“What is going on?” Alexia asks with concern, a concern that doesn’t reach Lucy in fact her asking is the worst thing she could have done.

“Get away from her” Lucy is up on her feet and pushing Alexia backwards. She would has fallen to the floor if not for the wall behind her “This is all your fault. You see this, you see her, this is what you have done to her”

“Lucy” you reach up and take her hand. The defender used her strength to pull you up. 

You, Lucy, Keira, Mapi and Ingrid walk towards the exit of the stadium.

“Y/N” Alexia’s voice is soft and it is only now that she realises she might have taken things too far.

You turn around to face the Catalonian. For the first time since arriving you make no effort to hide the pain you have felt on a daily basis.

“I want nothing to do with you Alexia”

A week had passed and Alexia started to worry about you more so than she wanted to let on. Lucy and Keira were visibly worried about you and kept an eye on you at all times. She was confused at how things got this bad. Yes, she knew that maybe things had been taken too far but you didn’t show rage, your energy radiated nothing. You were numb. The Barcelona captain had no idea how to make things right with you.

You wore a smile on your face in front of the cameras and fans but behind closed doors it’s liked you switched your emotions off. Alexia asked Mapi about you but it seemed that even her closest friend was on your side. The zaragozian and her girlfriend had become close with you since the incident and Alexia didn’t understand why.

One night she found herself knocking on Mapi’s door hoping to find out how things got so bad.

When the captain was let in there is an evident scowl on Ingrid’s face which Alexia did not expect. The Norwegian excuses herself stating that she needed to go to the supermarket.

“Mentiroso” Alexia says to herself.

“Watch it Alexia. She has her reasons” Mapi jumped to her girlfriend’s defence.

Mapi leads Alexia over to the kitchen table and gets a glass of water for the two of them.

“You’re here about Y/N, aren’t you?” her captain nods “I don’t know what to tell you. What happened in the locker room was bad Ale. We didn’t leave the stadium when you thought we did. Y/N used everything in her to make sure Lucy didn’t do something she would regret. I don’t know what happened during those months but whatever we think it is, it’s so much worse. I shouldn’t be telling you this but she kept mentioning Natalia, I don’t know who that is but I think something happened to her”

Alexia thought she felt guilty about the way things went down with the two of you but that failed in comparison to how she was feeling now. To think that you were grieving someone and her questions were it worse for you, well it made her feel ashamed. 

She knew that she hadn’t been the most welcoming. Yes, you and her got a long on the pitch and yes, you were ok at training but she hadn’t made the effort she should have to make you feel at home in Barcelona.

“I don’t know how to fix it Mapi. You know I like her, I think she is amazing—“

“You were her biggest fan” the blonde teased

“But what if I’ve ruined any chance for being friends with her? What if what I’ve done is undoable?” Alexia ignores Mapi comment seen as though she knows she cannot deny it.

Mapi was at a loss for words. She always has had her friend’s back but there was something about you which made her want to protect you and Alexia was someone that you needed protection from.

“You need to give her space Alexia. This week alone I have seen you walk towards her then walk away at least 6 times. Y/N even asked me why you were doing it. You’re making the girl feel uncomfortable” 

Alexia mentally scolded herself for her behaviour which in her defence she did not think anyone noticed. 

“So space?” Alexia asks.

“Space” Mapi confirmed.

Alexia found it hard at first because she wanted nothing more than to make things right with you but she did as suggested, she gave you space. She saw you start to come out of your shell a bit more as December rolled on. The day game before the Christmas break you were playing in Madrid and that is when Alexia heard you discussing your winter plans with Keira.

“Keira, that’s a sweet offer but I’m sure. I’m going to stay in Barcelona, it is my home now”

The Catalonian took a little comfort in knowing you had grown the love her city despite the hostile behaviour.

“Y/N, it’s Christmas. She would want you to be home for that” your friend asked.

“I don’t know if I can handle going back for Christmas. It would hurt too much”

It felt wrong for Alexia to eavesdrop on your conversation so she leaves out of respect.

“She wouldn’t want you to avoid England. The two of you spent years in France and both of you said coming home to England was your favourite thing to do”

“Keira, stop. It was our favourite thing. There is no more our, no us. It’s just me”

Keira could see your hands shaking. This is the first sign of your panic attack so she drops the subject. She does suggest you going away with them for new years and you said you would as long as it isn’t in the UK or France. 

The team had one last recovery session before the winter break and it’s safe to say when it was done everyone was more than happy to go home. You wished everyone a Merry Christmas and without knowing it, Alexia is included.

“Feliz Navidad Alexia, por tu y tu familia” 

“Gracias Y/N” 

To Alexia this was a gift in itself. Maybe you were opening up to idea of forgiving her. After that you quickly grab your stuff and run off to where Ingrid was waiting for you.

After that interaction, Alexia couldn’t stop thinking about you. She also thought she was hallucinating when she saw your name appear on her phone screen. In the rush of leaving the training facility you picked up the wrong bag, only realising when got home a few hours later and your shirt had an 11 on instead of a 7. You texted Alexia asking if you could meet up to get your stuff back. Alexia, at that point was already at her mother’s house so she sent you that address and told her mum that you were coming over.

You tried to ease your nervous as you drove to your captain’s mother’s house. It was going to be awkward, this much you knew but regardless of the place you and Alexia were in, you wanted to make a good impression on her family. 

The knock was gentle as you stop on the door step.

“Y/N, hola. Adelante”

You didn’t know that word meant but you put two and two together and guessing in meant come in so that is what you did. Eli leads you to the living room after telling Alba to go get her sister. Eli headed back into the kitchen and left you in the living room. You didn’t want to take a seat, it wasn’t that kind of visit so you looked around and a wall of photos gains your attention.

Alexia couldn’t have been more than 7 years old. She was adorable. Next to her stood her younger sister and behind her, her parents. You didn’t recognise the man so you assume Alexia’s father works away a lot as you have never seen him at a game.

“That’s Jaume, Alexia and Alba’s father” Your cheeks flush in embarrassment at being caught stooping.

“And your husband” you turn to face the woman “I haven’t seen him around, does he work in a different city?”

“Jaume passed away a little over ten years ago” 

She is a widow, like you. That is the first thing you thought. In that moment you had so many questions for her but this is a woman you had only just met. It’s not exactly the small talk she would be expecting. The two of you go quiet and you guess she is thinking about her lost love, just as you are thinking about yours.

Alexia comes downstairs, your bag in hand but stops at the door was upon seeing you in conversation with her mother. Alba nudges her forward but she doesn’t move. The two of them watch you.

“Does it ever get easier?” The question was out of your mouth before you could stop it.

The two sisters share a look. They had no idea what you were talking about and by their mother’s response, she didn’t either.

“Que?” As expected, the question catches Eli off guard.

“Living without the person who promised you forever” you turn to face the older woman with tears falling down your cheek.

“Oh Querida, come here” 

You feel comfort in her arms and for a brief few seconds you forget that she is a stranger. In this moment she is someone who understands your pain and that is more than enough for you. When you pull away you see Alexia and Alba, you feel extremely exposed.

“Hi. You must be Alba” you wipe the last of your tears and extend your hand towards the younger Putellas.

She swats away your hand and pulls you into a hug.

“So formal” Alba laughs “you’re even hotter in person” 

“Alba!” Both Eli and Alexia scold her.

“What? I’m being honest” 

“Thank you, I think. Is that mine?” You point the bad Alexia is holding.

“Yes. Sorry for the mix up” 

“No, no. It was my fault. I was running late for dinner with Ingrid. I left yours in the hall as I wasn’t sure where to put it”

Alexia stared at you almost as if frozen in place.

“Was I not suppose to do that? I can go get it for you”

“This is the most you’ve spoken to me since joining” Alexia was honest with what she was thinking.

“It must be the Christmas air” you laugh a little “speaking of, you three clearly have plans so I will leave you be” 

Eli tries to get you to stay but you can’t. The woman knew too much and even though shared the same pain, you knew it was only a matter of time before the pity eyes came. You also didn’t know how much the two sisters had heard.

Alexia asked and asked what the you and her mother were talking about but the woman refused to tell. The only answer Alexia got was to be careful with you and that not all is as it seems. It seemed to be enough for Alexia but she wasn’t giving up on you, not just yet.

She kept an eye on you over the Christmas break and just as you said you stayed in Barcelona. Alexia all but stalked your Instagram and even went as far as texting you some recommendations. You felt something towards the midfielder and it made you think that you might have been a little harsh on her. You made a mental reminder to speak to her once the break was over.

The first game back was away to Bilbao and it brought you the perfect opportunity to speak to Alexia as the two of you were roomed together. It was late by the time you got there so everyone went straight to their room. 

“Oh Y/N I don’t know what happened” Alexia says as she swiped the room key. 

“What are you — oh I see” 

There was only one bed, albeit a large double bed. 

You hadn’t shared a bed in almost a year and you wasn’t sure if you were ready for it. Now you had to find  a way to explain this to Alexia.

“I’ll sleep on the floor” Alexia suggests and even though you weren’t ready, you also knew you wasn’t going to let her do that.

“Alexia you are one of the most important players on the team. I cannot let you sleep on the floor. Take the bed, I’ll take the floor”

“Y/N, you are important too. You are our highest goal scorer. I am taking the floor, don’t argue with your captain”

She refused to take no for an answer and you hated it. When you came out the shower Alexia was on the floor and it looked awful. It was almost funny and you couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Don’t say anything. Bed” Alexia laughed along with you.

The room was dark except from the street lights then peaked through the curtains. Sleep wasn’t coming easy to you and by the sounds of tossing and turning, Alexia was struggling too. 

“Alexia, come sleep in the bed” The thought of having someone sleep next to you wasn’t something you necessarily wanted but Alexia sleeping on the floor wasn’t fair.

“I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable” 

There was something in her tone. She wasn’t talking about sharing the bed with a team mate, she was talking about sharing a bed in general. 

“She told you” Eli had to have told alexia about your conversation. 

“Who?” Alexia asked even though she knew you were talking about her mother. 

“Your mother. She told you about what I said”

“I asked but she didn’t tell me anything. I’m sorry that something happened to your friend” 

You sat up upon hearing her condolences. 

“My friend. What are you talking about?” 

Alexia, now sat up too, looked at you as if saying you know what I’m talking about.

“Natalia?” 

She said her name. Nobody had said her name. They knew it would cause too much pain. 

In that moment you are brought back to the last time someone said her name. It was the 5 November 2023 in a hospice not to far from your shared home in London. Natalia was the strongest woman you knew and no one would ever come close to her in your eyes. Yet just after Euros she told you that her time was coming, that the cancer was starting to win. You begged her to fight, you weren’t ready to lose her but you knew that you had been on borrowed time for many many years. The last person to say her name was a nurse as your wife took her final breath before she was called home.

“She was my wife” you could feel your nose twitch as a ball of emotion built in your throat. You knew the day was coming when you talked about her but you didn’t think it would come in Bilbao with Alexia now sitting at the foot of your bed.

The Catalonian knew she heard you correctly but she still sat in disbelief. She had no idea you were dating anyone let alone you were married. Alexia could do nothing but watch as you bury your head in your hand as your body racks with sobs. She wants to hug you, to hold you and to tell you to let it out but you weren’t that close. 

When you aggressively wipe your eyes you notice Alexia looking prettified and you cannot help but burst of into a fit of giggles.

“I’m going to go get Lucy or Keira or anyone else who isn’t me” your captain panics and makes a bee line for the door. She is stopped in her tracks as your hand grabs her wrist.

“You don’t have to”

She didn’t believe you and that was made obvious as her eyes dart back and forward between you and the door. 

“Isn’t this what you have been wanting? To know why I walked away” you pat the side of the bed next to you.

You saw the hesitation is Alexia’s eyes. In that moment she wanted to respect your boundaries and you appreciated that but for the first time in a while the thought of talking about Natalia didn’t make you feel like you would break. 

Once she sat down you turn to face you and you saw the look many people had given you. She felt sorry for you. 

“I didn’t know you were married” 

“Not many people did. We never hid anything. If you look you’ll see her in a lot of photos, she always supported me” you get comfy knowing that this is going to be a long conversation “I’m a private person and all I ever wanted to do was protect her” 

In that moment Alexia understood for she too was a private person. She knew that she was in the limelight but she still kept herself to herself off the pitch. 

“How did she—“ Alexia stopped talking as soon as she realised what she was about to ask “sorry, I shouldn’t have said that” 

“Leukemia” you closed your eyes, took a deep breath and counted to three “she first got it when she was six. We used to take the day off school to go to the hospital. She would call me her emotional support friend” you laugh as you remember the way she made you wear a badge “she won the battle only for it to come back when she was 16 then again at 28. The third battle was the hardest for her and it was the one she lost” 

Alexia caught the way you couldn’t look at her whilst you talked about the hardest times of your wife’s life. 

“She sounds like a strong woman” 

“Oh she was the strongest. She went through so much yet you never would have known it. Natalia had this heart that was big enough to like up the whole world. I wouldn’t be where I am today without her. She supported me in the youths teams, was in the stands when I made my Arsenal debut and moved to France with me when I signed for Lyon. She said she’s followed me everywhere because she knew I’d be lost with her” 

When Alexia sees you laughing, she joins in too. 

“Things got bad just before the euros. I was so close to withdrawing but she begged me to go. She wanted to see me lift that trophy and I did, I did it for her. I didn’t know how bad it was until afterwards and I made the decision to be by her side. We did all the things on her bucket list. A couple of months later she couldn’t fight it anymore. Her strength was gone and the light was barely there. I was able to be by her side as she took her last breath” 

Alexia didn’t stop you as you got off the bed and made your way towards the window. She could tell by the way your hand went straight to your face that you were crying. 

“You wanted to know why I walked about?” You turned to face her and in that moment, knowing what she did, Alexia felt guilty. Guilty for reminding you of the loss you had suffered. 

“I walked away because I didn’t feel like I had a purpose. For so many years I played for her. I scored to see a smile on her face and I won my trophies so that I can give her my medals. I couldn’t return to Lyon without her and it felt wrong being in England” 

“Y/N I’m —“

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry. You didn’t kill her, the cancer did” 

You hated it when people told you they were sorry for your loss. Why? Why are they sorry? You heard it so many times that it made you numb. 

Alexia could tell that you were feeling a lot right now. She wanted to be there if you wanted to talk more about Natalia but she also knew the importance of changing the subject when it’s needed. 

“Can I ask you a question?” She looked at you with a sincere gaze.

“You can. Is it about Na—“ 

Alexia shakes her head.

“Why Barcelona?” 

It is a question that she had been desperate to know. You have now told her why you weren’t ready to go back to Lyon but plenty of teams would have offered you a contract if you announced your return.

“I said it wasn’t about her but turns out it was. Talia loved Spain and Barcelona was her favourite place. I honestly thought I would retire at Lyon but she always said that if she could pick a team I play for them she would choose Barcelona. When I decided to come back, it felt right to sign for Barcelona. Also, Lucy and Keira are here. As you have seen, I have depended on them quite a bit and I knew that it wouldn’t be easy so having someone who knew made everything easier”

You could see Alexia processing what you had told her. 

“I’m happy you don’t play for Lyon anymore”

“Yeah, you might be able to beat them now”

Alexia stared you down and you wondered what her next move would be. Turns out you didn’t have to wait long because a pillow soon smacked you in the face.

You both burst into laughter when the pillow fight turns competitive.

“We really should be getting some sleep” Alexia says as she stands.

You took a second to think. 

“You can sleep in the bed Alexia. I won’t freak out you know”

“Y/N I can’t. Not now”

“Oh stop. I’m not some fragile little doll that will break if she shares a bed with someone. Now get in bed” 

You pull the duvet back and pat the bed. It is only when Alexia gets in that you realise she is on your side and you are on Talia’s.

“You know this is my side of the bed” Alexia says as she gets comfy.

You had your reasons for sleeping on that side. You want to be closest to the door in case someone broke in. You wonder if Alexia has a reason.

“Got to make sure no one comes in and kidnaps you. Buenas noches Y/N” 

You fall asleep that night with ease. You no longer feel the weight of keeping your emotions at bay and having Alexia knowing the truth makes you feel at ease around her for the first time since you joined the club.

From that day on things were different between you and Alexia. You found yourself spending more time with her than you did with Lucy and Keira. The two of them found it strange but didn’t question it. Whilst the defender was still very much protective over you, she did see a change in her captain which lead to her giving her the benefit of the doubt. 

Life in Barcelona was finally what you imagined. Even in January the sun was shining and the sky was blue, unlike the weather you have been used to. The pain in your heart was still there but for the first time in a long whilst you felt happy or at least the closest thing to it that you could feel. Alexia has invited you to family dinner which happened after every other home game. Her mother and sister made you feel welcome. You had become rather close with Eli as she would often reach out to talk to you and check in with you. She didn’t need to say much, the fact that she could understand was more than enough. 

Alba was quite the character and there was never a dull moment with her. She would relentless tease her sister and it had you holding stomach with laughter.

You had received some calls that made you think about a few things. You thought about talking to Lucy and Keira about it but you knew their decision would be biased so you confided in Alexia one night as the two of you walked Nala along Barceloneta.  She helped you work though the feelings that the question brought up and by the the time you arrived back to your apartment, which you learnt was in the building opposite to hers, you knew what your decision would be. 

During the game against Atleti there was a certain Dutchwoman in attendance. It was the second to last game before the Nations league semi final, a game that England has got to by the skin of their teeth. Barcelona came away with a 2-0 win and a lot of the players stayed out on the pitch afterwards to greet the fans that came to support them.

Sarina stood near the locker room and praised the team as they entered. 

“Are you here for Lucy and Keira?” Aitana asked as she walked down the hall.

Behind her walked the two English women, along with Alexia. The latter knew to expect her, it made sense for her to come see you in person. The other two clearly had no idea that their national team coach was coming.

“She isn’t here for them” 

Alexia’s words cause Lucy and Keira’s heads to turn in surprise. 

“Y/N’s still out on the pitch. She is playing with Irene’s son Matteo, shall I go get her?”

“No, I can wait” 

Just as three of them were about to enter they hear your voice followed by a child’s laughter. You walked down the tunnel with Irene and her little boy. Sarina saw just how happy you were and for a brief moment she regretted coming. She questioned whether or not this is what is best for you.

“Gaffa” you saw the look on your team mates faces and chuckled. Surely they knew it was only a matter of time before Sarina came knocking “Let me get showered quickly and we will go” 

“But we’re going out tonight. It’s team night” Aitana sulked.

“I’ll meet you guys there” 

Alexia and you shared a look. She knew what this conversation was going to be about and she was pretty sure she knew what the outcome would be and she was worried. You squeezed her shoulder and smiled before going into the locker room.

It was over 3 hours later that you finally enter the restaurant that the team were eating at. 

All heads turned to you as you walked through the door. The seat reserved for you happened to be next to Alexia which you don’t think was an accident. Lucy and Keira were sat opposite you and you see the look of suspense in their eyes. They hadn’t officially been told what you and Sarina were talking about but they had very good guesses. 

The rest of the team were having their own conversations and you didn’t want to make a scene so you nodded your head and that was enough confirmation for them.

“Yes!!” Lucy stood up suddenly and slammed her hands on the table.

“Holy fuck. Lucia, sit down”  

Lucy does as her told.

“Our captain is back” Keira said to herself. 

You tried your best to include yourself in the conversations around you but your mind kept wandering. You found yourself staring off into the distance. It is only when you feel a gentle hand on your thigh do you realise just how spaced out you were.

“Is everything ok? Did your coach say something because if she did then—“

“Stand down Ale” Alexia’s eye soften at the nickname. It wasn’t a new one for her but you had only just started calling her it and she loved it “I’m just thinking is all. What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t have a place in that team anymore?” You lean into her and whisper.

“Y/N, they are your team. Yes you took some time away but you lead them for a long time and you told me they knew your reasons. It might take some time to get back into things but you will soon be back to how you were before. Besides if things go well for both of us then we will have a World Cup rematch on our hands and I want to see what might have happened if you played in the summer” 

Oh you didn’t think about that. You hadn’t given your upcoming opponents a second thought. Alexia was right. If England beat France then they will face Spain in the national league final. 

You thought there might be some awkwardness when you walked through the doors at the England camp but you couldn’t have been more wrong. Each player welcomed you with open arms and the players that you didn’t know as much treated you like everyone else did.

There were a few moments when you got pulled aside by Sarina for what she called her mental health checks. She promised that nothing said between you would be told to anyone else and you chose to believe her. You were honest about how heavy the shirt felt when it had the England badge on and you told her of the nerves you were feeling about playing for your country again.

Alexia had kept texting you to check in and for the most part you told her the truth. It was the day before the match when you got overwhelmed and instead of lying, you chose to ignore her. You knew it wasn’t fair but wanted to stay focused. You could bury your feelings for 24 hours. Alexia on the other had wasn’t going to give up on you.

“Alexia” Jenni nudged her friends leg “Earth to Alexia” 

The woman in question had her eyes glued to the her phone as you sent you yet another message.

“What do you want!” Alexia snaps.

“Hey, don’t snap at me. Who you texting? Is it a girl?” Jenni peaked over her shoulder.

“No” Alexia pulled her phone closer to her chest “It’s Y/N”

“Y/N Y/L/N is a girl last time I checked” Jenni couldn’t help but tease.

“She but I don’t like her like that, well I do. Wait! I don’t” Alexia slumps down in her seat  “Oh Jenni, I don’t know how I feel”

Jenni hasn’t seen her friend like this in a long while. Normally Alexia knows what wants and isn’t afraid to go for it. This though is different. It’s almost like she knows what she wants but she is hesitating and Alexia doesn’t hesitate.

“It’s ok not to know but something is clearly bothering you. What is it?” 

“She is ignoring me”

“Last time I saw you you told me she didn’t want anything to do with you”

So much had changed since then and she didn’t know how to explain it. In the end she told her everything she could without going into the finer details. Alexia confesses her feelings and explains that she cannot get a hold of you and that none on your team mates were answering either.

“Alexia, I may not know why she stopped playing football but I saw the way she played, she loves the sport. Her playing for England again is a big deal. Everyone is talking about her press conference she did this morning, it’s all over social media” 

Alexia wasn’t aware of a press conference. She never goes on social media the day before a match because it is quite often a distraction. Jenni picks up on her friend’s obliviousness and gives alexia her phone so she can see what is being said.

Jenni was right. You are everywhere. 

Y/N Y/L/N makes her return but what does it mean? Why now?

Sarina Weigman confirm Y/N is the captain of this team despite turning her back on them.

Beth Mead ruled out for Semi final, should be back for final if England are successful.

World Cup rematch? Y/N says that Spain wouldn’t have won if she was playing.

Alexia read headline after headline, article after article. She was beginning to feel overwhelmed so she couldn’t imagine what you must have been feeling. The last headline made the Catalonian laugh because she too had thought about what the outcome might have been if you were playing.

“I think the last one is a stretch” Jenni mumbles.

“We will never know” Alexia is ever more determined to get a hold of you. Just as she was about to call you again, a message comes through.

Hi. Sorry I haven’t been around, it’s been a lot. Thank you for checking in on me Alexia, I promise you I’m ok. Good luck in your match tomorrow.

“She’s ok” Alexia tells Jenni as if the forward was the one who was worried about you.

The next day you wake up and are ridden with nerves. It’s not a familiar feeling and you know that you need to calm down before the game or things will end badly. 

Despite protests from your team mates, you will start the game on the bench. It’s the right decision and you make sure to tell Sarina just that. Whilst the team’s recent performances have been spotty to say the least, you refuse to walk back in like nothing had changed. You know you need to earn your place on the pitch with the lionesses.

Spain’s game has an early kick off and finishes just after yours starts. The team get back to the hotel and have organised to watch it the hotel bar. Much to Alexia’s dismay she is called for Media seen as though Spain won and have qualified for the Olympics. 

When she finally joins the team she knows that the first half is over but that’s it.

“What’s the score?” She asks anyone who is listening.

“2–0” Ona says.

“That’s—“ Alexia is cut off before she can finish her sentence.

“To Germany” Jenni knows that Alexia would have wanted England to win if for no other reason than you “Y/N is going on for Toone” 

She cannot help the smile that tugs at her lips as your number goes on the subs board. 

The world watches as Mary runs over to you and gives you the band.

“Welcome back skipper” Mary pushes the band up your arm before you can stop her because she know’s that is what you’ll do. She was there in the captain’s meeting when you told Sarina that you didn’t deserve the captaincy.

“Game on, Maz” 

It felt right being on the pitch and wearing the three lions crest. You allow yourself to take in your return but only for a couple of seconds before you turn your attention to the game and the challenge that you face. 3 goals was a lot to ask for when Germany are playing as good as they are. It wouldn’t be easy and it would take everything you had but you never shied away from a challenge and you wasn’t about to start now.

After about ten minutes you found your rhythm and England were playing the type of football they are known for. It doesn’t take long for LJ to make a run and dance around the opposition. You have faith in her but follow her anyways in case she loses the ball. She doesn’t but Frohms does save her shot, she doesn’t save your rebound though.

“Get the ball” You shout to the Chelsea player. 

When the match restarts, the lionesses are on the hunt. Shot after shot is taken but somehow the ball stays out the net. England get a corner in the 80 minute and you’re lurking on the edge of the box, ready to make your run. Popp is the one marking you because she has studied you new way of play since joining Barcelona. Chloe’s corner is pin point and no amount of research in the world could stop you from getting the second goal and tying the game.

Alexia finds herself up on her feet with Ona and a couple of your team mates when you get your brace.

“Vamos Y/N” she says.

“You do realise that we will face them if they win” Misa reminds her.

“Right now, I don’t care. She deserves this and I’m celebrating my team mate” Alexia didn’t care if she might face you in the final.

“She told you” Aitana whispers as she pulls her captain down to the sofa “That is why she doesn’t hate you anymore and why you’ve stopped interrogating her”

Alexia does nothing but nod. Her fellow midfielder didn’t need to know anything else and she doesn’t ask for it either. She accepts that the reason must be valid if Alexia has dropped her questions.

There are 4 minutes announced of stoppage time. 

When you look up the the score board and see the number you get flashbacks on the euros final. You have been in this position before and came out victorious. Today was going to be no different. 

It was huge mistake by Germany when Gwinn takes down Hemp about a meter outside the box.

In the past you have found yourself stood over the ball with Beth but this game it’s Alex who stands beside you.

With her hand over her mouth she gives you strict instructions.

“You’re taking it” 

It’s not a question and you don’t argue.

“You have saved us tonight, now get your hattrick”

The amount of faith Alex had in you did wonders but it didn’t settle every nerve running through your body. Free kicks were your specialty, this wasn’t nothing new and the pressure was a familiar feeling. 

As soon as you strike the ball you know it’s going in. It’s a hard feeling to describe but many call it shooters instinct, it had never been wrong and it wasn’t now. The ball floated over the wall and went in the further part of the top corner. The shot was unsaveable. You ran over to the bench, more specifically to Sarina, to celebrate with the woman who gave you space and welcomed you back with open arms. 

“It’s like you never left”

Her words caught you off guard. For a brief moment you agreed with her but you got hit by the feeling of grief, you looked towards the family section and there was no one supporting you. Maybe some things hadn’t changed but a lot certainly has. When the full time whistle was blown your team mates ran towards you, all of the congratulating you on your performance and your first game back.

It was a weird kind of celebrations that night. The team was split, half wanted to celebrate getting through the final and the other half knew the job wasn’t done, they knew that the biggest task was yet to be faced. Spain had beaten them before and on the greatest stage, the UEFA national league final could either repeat history and England could rewrite it.

The team travelled to Madrid that night, only hours after the game. Upon arrival almost everyone went to their rooms but not you. You knew sleep wouldn’t come easy so you decided to wander the streets of Madrid. It had become a habit of yours, you would walk around and people watch. Every human had their own story to tell and it made you forget about yours.

You had no destination planned yet you found yourself stopping outside a hotel, the one you know from your text messages with Alexia, was the one the Spain team was staying at. 

A lot of feelings were running through you and you saw this as the universe’s sign that maybe you should talk about them. You have confided in Alexia since Sarina first reached out to you, she knew more than anyone how you really felt about returning and you talked about this very moment, the hours after your first game when the past is very much present in your mind. You remember the words she told you ‘when that happens you call me’ so that is what you do or at least that is what you go to do.

“Y/N” you hear a familiar voice say. You turn to see Jenni, Irene, Laia and Misa walking towards you.

“Hi guys” your voice is quiet, shy almost and you cannot help the way your eyes scan for Alexia knowing full well that these are the people she spends the most time with.

“What are you doing here?” Misa asks you. The two of you hadn’t formally been introduced but you had scored a brace against her in the El Classico.

“I’m—“ 

“Here for Alexia” Jenni says with a knowing look and you cannot help but feel like she knows something you don’t.

You can only nod. Apart from Irene, you didn’t know these girls very well and the version of yourself that you show to strangers is very different to the one that your friends see.

‘I can take you to her. We are roommates” Jenni seems sincere with her words but you feel a pang of jealousy. Everybody knew that the two of them used to date, it shouldn’t bother you, you had no right to be jealous yet that is exactly what you were feeling.

You think about it and Jenni can tell you are thinking about it.

“She hasn’t stopped talking about you and I know she will want to see you. She was your biggest fan when we watched the game” Jenni added hoping to create some sense of comfortability.

“She watched my game?” You asked in disbelief. You thought you had no one but maybe you did, maybe Alexia was the someone that was cheering you on but instead of the family area she was cheering you on from the hotel you were currently standing outside of.

“She did. I think she forgot she was Spanish for a minute” Irene says which causes you to laugh.

“I doubt that but I appreciate the support. You know I shouldn’t be talking to you, you guys are the enemy now” 

“Yet you came here for our captain, she will be your enemy too. Come on, I’ll take you to her. We wouldn’t want you to be spotted outside our hotel, just think of the optics” Jenni once again says.

“Ok” you nod your head a few times to solidify your answer.

The girls lead you through the hotel but only Jenni and Irene stay with you, Misa and Laia walk ahead. The longer you walk the more you begin wondering if this was a good idea. What if you are overstepping your boundaries. You had no right to be here and could easily be turned away at any point.

You enter the lounge area of the hotel which holds the majority of the Spanish national team yet your eyes search for only one. She see’s you before you see her and is walking over to you with a worried look on her face.

“Estas bien? What are you doing here?” Alexia’s arm rests on your shoulder.

“It was an accident. I was out for a walk and I ended up here” you explained.

“She was asking for you” Jenni says even though technically it wasn’t true. In her eyes she wanted to play matchmaker after it was made evidently clear that Alexia was hesitant to peruse things with you even though she had feelings for you.

“Is this true?” Alexia asks and you nod.

“We won, I returned, I scored, wore the armband and I didn’t have anyone is stands” you whispered so only she could hear you.

The look in your eyes changed. For the first time that night you showed your true emotions. Alexia didn’t need to hear anything else. She grabbed your hand and escorted you to the outdoor seating area. She sat down whilst your paced the patio.

“Y/N, come sit down” Alexia pats the seat next to her and you comply “Are you ok, really? What made you come here to me?”

“I’m not ok but I’m more ok than I thought I would be. It’s been quite a day, that game was —“

“Incredible. You changed the entire play” 

“It felt right. I belong on the pitch with the girls, I should never have left” You didn’t register that you felt guilty about your absence until you said the words out loud to Alexia.

“You needed to. You had to process your loss and you returned when you were ready”

Alexia was very understanding, you had to give her that. 

“That answers my first question but the second” the Catalonian didn’t want to push but there had to be a reason and until she heard the truth she was filled with worry. You had been walking the streets of Madrid, alone, at almost midnight.

“Why am I here?” You repeated it. Maybe you hoped that hearing the question again would help you figure out an answer, it did “I wanted to celebrate…….with you. I was surrounded by my team, people I consider family yet you were the one I wanted to call and tell about the game”

You dipped your head when you felt yourself getting emotional. You were suppose to be happy but with everything you were feeling you were overwhelmed. On top of what you were feeling you couldn’t ignore the way your heart beat twice as fast because Alexia was sat opposite you with her hand now resting on your thigh. 

When you looked up Alexia noticed the the tears in your eyes and was quick to wipe away one when it fell.

“I shouldn’t be feeling this way Alexia, it is wrong” you met her eye as you made your version of a confession.

“You can be happy about playing football again Y/N. Natalia would have wanted you to be”

“Don’t say her name, not now” you shook your head and Alexia’s hand fell back to its prior place on your thigh.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep. I can give you space if that what you need” the blonde stands, ready to leave you be but you grab her hand and pull her back down.

“I don’t want space and that is the problem. I wasn’t talking about the game Alexia. I shouldn’t be feeling this way about you” you shook your head in disbelief. You were sure that your shot of happiness died with your wife but you have developed feelings for Alexia and could no longer deny it.

“Y/N” Alexia cupped your face so that you would look at her but when you did, her hand didn’t move.

“Ale” you melted into her touch. That very touch gave you butterflies and you enjoyed the act of intimacy.

The two of you went silent but each of your thoughts were very loud. Alexia glanced at your lips, you knew what she was about to do and you didn’t stop her. Maybe you should have, maybe you should have pulled away but you didn’t. You didn’t move when her lips hovered centimetres from your own, you let her kiss you. You froze in the moment, like a deer in headlights. It was only when you closed your eyes did you realise what was happening. The kiss felt like you were cheating, it felt wrong yet felt so right.

“You shouldn’t have done that. We can’t do this. It was wrong” you pushed Alexia away and stood up hastily.

You stormed away before Alexia had the chance to speak. All eyes were on you as you walked through the sea of Spanish players. Their eyes went from you and then to Alexia who was running through, trying to catch up to you. She was hot on your heels until you turned to face her. She waited a couple of seconds before taking steps towards you.

“Stop” you say but she doesn’t “No!” you held you arm out to further imply your seriousness.

After that she can do nothing else but watch you walk away from her. Her hazel eyes stayed on you until you were out the lobby doors and onto the streets of the Spanish capital.

Alexia was frozen in place. She has ruined everything by rushing but she felt something when she touched you, she felt a spark and that wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t feel the same thing she did. You told her that had feelings for her, you came all this way to see her. Those things meant something but maybe she had read it wrong, maybe it had all been in her head.

“Alexia, are you ok? You’re crying” Irene appeared in front of her. The woman in question was quick to wipe her eyes in hope that no one else would see her tears.

“I’m fine. It’s getting late, everyone should go to their rooms. We have a final to prepare for and we need to be at our best” Alexia walked away.

The two of you were very quiet in the upcoming days and were laser focused on the task at hand. Beat the opposing team and being the first even UEFA Nations League champions. Both of your team mates could tell something was wrong but they didn’t know what to do. Your team mates wasn’t aware of your late night adventures until Aitana texted Keira to ask if you were ok and told her that Alexia wasn’t after you showed up at their hotel. The English midfielder kept this to herself given that Lucy has only just got started talking to Alexia and there were a few players on the team who’s protectiveness could rival the defenders.

By the time the day of the final came around there was plenty of reason for concern but both teams knew that this is what you had been working towards. Yes, a trophy was on the line but it was the previous trophy that was the topic of conversation. 

The first time Alexia saw you was when they arrived for the pitch inspection. You were near the goal with LJ, it has become a new pre match routine for the two of you. Well you did it the game a couple of days ago and you won that so the two of you gravitated towards the goal today. 

Alexia wanted to go to you and that is what she was going to do until she felt a hand grab her wrist.

“Alexia” 

She turned to face Keira.

“Leave her be”

“I didn’t mean to upset her. We were talking about feelings and then I kissed her, I couldn’t help it. It felt right in the moment” Alexia couldn’t stop talking. It’s like was making a confession and Keira would be the one deciding whether or not it was a sin.

Meanwhile the English midfielder couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Sure she had suspected something was going on between the two of you but she also had a strong sense that you wasn’t ready for anything knew. In her eyes you were still healing.

“You kissed her?” Keira whispered as not to bring attention to their conversation.

Alexia was about to explain further but Keira stopped her as she sure her other team mate coming towards them.

“Lucy is coming. I will talk to you about this later” 

It was as if Keira flipped a switch. Her look of concern was replaced with a smile and she even put on a fake laugh so Lucy wouldn’t arrive to an awkward silence. Soon enough it was a gathering of Barcelona players yet Alexia could stay focused on what her friends were saying for you were beginning to walk towards her.

In your eyes you wanted to talk to Alexia and you knew you needed to. The other night was a lot for you to process but you did owe her an explanation for leaving, that much you did know. She looked good as you watched her enter the pitch. You let your eyes linger in the most discreet way possible. 

“You and Putellas?” LJ asked you. She wasn’t aware of what happened, nor did she know you were married. In her eyes, you were hiding something and she wasn’t wrong.

“We are friends…..I think. It’s complicated” you admitted knowing that Lauren wouldn’t push you further.

“Uncomplicate it” she suggested.

“If only it was that easy. Let’s head in and get ready”

You felt the change in heartbeat again as you got closer to where Alexia was standing. Your head might have been all over the place but you heart was being very clear in what it wanted only you weren’t ready to admit it.

“Y/N” Alexia shouted to you as you walked past her.

“Hi” for whatever reason, you pulled her into a hug “Good luck today, you’re going to need it” 

You both started laughing at the quick change of energy.

“I don’t think it’s us that need luck. We beat you in the summer” Alexia was cocky but she wasn’t confident.

“You didn’t beat me though” you couldn’t help but smile at her.

Your smile was genuine and that is something Alexia took great hope in seeing. Maybe you weren’t mad at her, maybe you just needed a little space.

What you said next doubled that hope.

“Come find me after the game”

Then just as quick as the hope was there, it wasn’t.

“We need to talk”

Those 4 words struck fear in Alexia but she didn’t have the chance to say anything because you were already down the tunnel by the time she came to her senses.

Your was brought up several times in the Spanish locker room and each time all eyes fell to Alexia for she is the one that knew you most. She had learnt how you think, what plays you are going to make before you make them. In her team’s eyes she knew how to stop you. Only it wasn’t that easy. Alexia did knew how you play but that style changes when you are hungry, like you have a point to prove and this game brought both of those things.

“Stop focusing on Y/N! If you focus on how to stop her then you’ve already lost. Focus on stopping her from getting the ball” That is the last thing she said before heading out into the tunnel. 

The lionesses were waiting for her, she expected it. It was an intimidation tactic. You weren’t there and that was a surprise, she would have bet good money that you would be in the starting 11. Mary stood opposite her and smirked when she saw the look of bewilderment on the opposing players face. 

Alexia wanted to say something, she kept looking back at the team. If she was paying attention she would notice that there was only 10 players on the England side of the tunnel. With her eyes now facing forward she didn’t see you walking towards the front of the line. The sound of your cleats fell on deaf ears.

Her head shot to the side when she caught a glimpse of you standing next to her with the pendent in your hand.

“Capital Y/L/N, nice to see you back where you belong” Alexia covered her mouth, her being well aware that there were cameras on her.

You shake your head at her greeting.

“Captain Putellas. You’re going to wish I wasn’t” you had one last attempt to get in her head.

“No I won’t. Win or lose today, this is something the world, myself included, has been waiting for” 

You thought you would get a smart remark not a reply that was genuine.

“Alexia” 

“Y/N” 

Those were the last words spoken except from a good look after the coin toss.

You called a huddle before everyone got into place. This game was important, not only because of the trophy on the line but it was the lionesses chance at redemption. To prove that it was only one game.

“I want you all to do something for me. Play for right now, not for the past. You cannot change what happened in the summer, no matter how hard you try. Winning today won’t get you the star on the shirt but it can be the reset you guys have been wanting. That loss has been haunting you, I can see it by the look on your faces and I promise you here today that if you play with revenge in your hearts then you will fail. Yes, this is Spain but we are England. We don’t stay down, we get up and fight. We stand together as a team, a pride. We go out there and leave everything on the pitch” 

Each player is hooked on every word as you give Mary the signal. 

“England on three” 

You all come together one more time before getting in position.

Alexia tries to do the same by most of the team is watching you.

“She is going to make it hard” Olga tells her captain.

“She is going to make our lives hell for the next 90 minutes but that’s not to say we can’t give it back. Look at that star on your shirt, we got that by beating this team. Yes, Y/N wasn’t playing but she is one player. As good as she may be, we are better. You’ve seen what everyone is saying, they are calling our World Cup win a fluke, that we didn’t win but England lost. We may have qualified for the Olympics but our job is not done. We have a trophy to win. Vamos Espana” 

Just like England did, Spain come together before readying themselves for the game.

The game which starts in the worst possible way for the away team. It seems the your players might be a bit more nervous that they are letting on. Inside the first 15 minutes Salma gets through on goal and sends Spain up 1-0. It wasn’t ideal but it didn’t mean the game was over either. You were playing safe, as a way to get the most out of the team around you. When the first half is done with you haven’t take a single shot on goal. 

Spain entered the tunnel happy and England entered it less so.

The atmosphere was eerie in the locker room and you could see the self doubt radiating off your team mates.

Sarina takes the floor and explains all sorts of strategies but nobody is listening. They are in their own head.

“Do you mind?” You walk up to Sarina hoping to have a talk with your team. The coach happily steps aside.

“How many of you are thinking about the World Cup? Raise your hand” nobody does and you decide to call bullshit “You’re lying and I won’t have that. You are telling me none of you are out there thinking of the summer? the picture of them lifting the trophy that should have been yours?” 

One by one players begin lifting their hands.

“I can stand here and say I haven’t been good enough. I need to be better and I will be better. In 45 minutes we will be crowned champions. The question is are we going to do it in style or are we going to make it harder for ourselves? We know what we need to do and we will do it” 

You leave the locker room and go back out onto the pitch. You are the first one out there and you take a minute to look at the score board. 1-0. You hated to lose but more than that, you hated to let people down. You made the decision to come back and you didn’t do that to come second.  You returned to be a champion and to make Natalia proud, you wasn’t doing to let her down. You had spent the past couple of days trying not to think about her and maybe that was the problem. She was your greatest strength, your biggest supporter and she may be no longer with you, you may be beginning to move on but that doesn’t mean you have to forget about her. No, you need to play for her just as you always did.

The first ten minutes of the second half it was like a different team was on the pitch. England were pushing and pressing and Spain were struggling. In the 67 minute was when the game was made even once again. You and hempo were tiring out the defence and it made them vulnerable. On one counter attack they couldn’t keep up. Irene was the only player standing between you and Cata but she could see Hempo running up beside you. She found herself in a lose lose situation so she stuck with you in hopes that the pressure would work, it didn’t. You pull her in just enough to give hempo enough space. At the last minute you passed to your left and she fired the ball into the back of the net.

Game on.

Spain were beginning to tire and the one touch football that was known around the world began to work in favour of England. They were unable to play out from the back because you, Alessia, Hempo and LJ was pressing the defence. It was mind play and it was working. 

It was during a corner where things got interesting.

“Keep going!” You clapped your hands to rally the team “we are in their heads, now we end it” 

“You’re not in our heads” Alexia says as she chooses to mark you. It was a tactic they hadn’t done yet, so far Jenni had marked you.

“Just you saying that is proof that we are but feel free to prove me wrong” you had a minute to talk as the ref walk talking to Lucy and Irene.

“I will. Let’s make it interesting. You score right now and I’ll buy you a drink later”

“So that means I’ll be taking the trophy and your money? Oh you’re on” 

Alexia followed you are you walked around the box as you got into position. You would end up in one or two places; front post or in the middle. Never did she think you would make a run for the back post and swap positions will Lucy. The change caught Alexia out and when the ball hit the back of the neck she shook her head in defeat. 

She had played right into your hands. You had pulled her in with your words and left her hanging when you celebrated what would go on to be the winning goal of the game.

You had to take a moment when the game was over. Everyone was celebrating but you and Lucy made the effort to congratulate your club team mates of a game well played.

“Ay, Capi. You’re predictable you know that?” Lucy threw her arms around the Catalonian.

“Lucy!” You slapped her on the back of the head “What she meant to say is you guys played a good game and that we will see you in Paris”

“We’ll see them in Barcelona” Lucy tried to correct you.

“I mean on the pitch as opponents, idiot”  

Alexia was to focused on what the defender said first to hear the bickering that was now taking place between the two of you.

“What did she mean?” Alexia asked you.

Lucy gave you a look before leaving the two of you be.

“You once told me that in order to see yourself as the best, you had to beat the best. Tonight you wanted to beat me”

“No, I —“ 

“You did and that’s ok. I wanted to beat you too. It’s our competitive nature. That need you had allowed us a way in. I didn’t know it would come from a corner, only that in at least one part of the game you will stick to me just so you could say you got the upper hand”

“I should have dropped you off, let Irene pick you up and followed Lucy” Alexia understands the error she made.

“You should have but don’t beat yourself up about it. That wasn’t our first plan or second. Our plan was for Hempo to tire Ona out and for Lucy to get inside Olga’s head. Without those two things happening, we wouldn’t have got the corner in the way we did”

Alexia didn’t know whether to be pissed off or impressed that you read her and her team so well.

“You deserve the win today. Go celebrate with your team” 

“I will but remember you owe me a drink. I’ll text you the address of wherever we go. Invite the girls too”

Alexia watched you walk away but there was one more thing she wanted to tell you only she feared it would do more damage than good. In the end she bite the bullet and ran to you.

“Y/N” 

“Hi again” you laughed “Do you want another explanation of our strategy? We can always watch the game back when we in home in Barcelona” 

Home in Barcelona. There is something about the way you said it that made alexia feel warm and fuzzy inside.  She quickly shook her head to rid herself of those thoughts and the overthinking that came with them.

“I just want to say that Natalia would have been proud of you today. Not just today but the other game too. I know it’s not my place to say that because I didn’t know her but you should know that. You—“ Alexia began rambling.

“Breathe. Thank you for saying that. I know she is looking down on me right now with a huge smile on her face and truth is if I think about her too much then I think I might cry so I don’t want to go into that right now. Thank you though” 

Alexia couldn’t help but feel like she shouldn’t have said that.

The ceremony went by in the blind of an eye. One minute you are waiting for Spain to collect their medals, the next you are raising the trophy with Mary. Back in the locker room you find yourself staring at the medal on your neck. Never in your professional career had one stayed on your neck for this long and never has the gold felt so heavy. It felt like it was weighing you down so you take it off and stuff it into your back. You would talk about that means with your therapist if you had one. 

Later on in the night you found yourself at the hotel bar with the rest of the team celebrating. You tried your best to be happy and part of you truly was but you life off the field was becoming more complicated and hard to ignore.

“Excuse me” you tell the group that included Leah, Georgia, Keira and Lucy. 

“Should we be concerned?” Georgia asks.

“Yes but let her have a moment. These past ten days have been a lot for her” Lucy tells her friend.

They watched as you paced back and forth on the balcony. To the English it was warm outside but there was still a chill in the air and you weren’t wearing a jacket. Keira kept looking at her watch asking herself how long is long enough before she goes out to you. 

Some of the Spanish team arrive about an hour after the lionesses. Some of them go to the bar, some go to friend but Alexia, well she only had one interest and she couldn’t it or more specifically couldn’t find you. Her eyes scanned the room one, twice and third time. She had her phone out ready to call just as she sees you. 

Leah catches her walking towards you and wants to stop her.

“What is she doing” The blonde asks defensively “Y/N doesn’t want anything to do with her”

The Arsenal player has heard about you bust up when Keira visiting England over Christmas. 

“Things are different now but I’m not sure this is the right thing to do. Alexia!” Keira shouts her club captain over.

“Hola. Congratulations again. You guys sure know how to party” she tried to be polite even though she had no interest in a conversation with anyone who wasn’t you.

“Thank you” Leah seems genuine “Were you going to see Y/N?” 

Alexia nods.

“That might not be the best idea right now. I think she needs a minute to herself. It’s been quite the day for her”

“I know. That’s why I want to talk to her” Alexia knew that you might be been struggling but to her that was all the more reason for her to talk to you.

“She won’t even wear her medal” Georgia adds earning her a shove. As far as the English players are aware, Alexia didn’t know anything.

“That isn’t surprising. Every tournament until this one she has given her medal to Natalia” Alexia says as if it is the most obvious thing but your friends didn’t put two and two together.

“Wait” Lucy says “She told you about her?” Again, Alexia nods.

“When? She hasn’t talked about her since she passed” the defender added.

“After Christmas” Alexia explains but goes no further.

“That’s why she went to you the other night but then you—“

“Keira, I won’t talk about that right now. I just want make sure she is ok and I can’t do that if I am being interrogated by you” 

With that Alexia leaves your friends speechless and makes her way towards the balcony.

As quietly as possible, Alexia slides the door open and closes it behind her. She didn’t want to startle you so she watched from a distance. Your face wasn’t puffy so you hadn’t been crying but your posture was stiff so you were stressed.

“They’ve spent the past hour burning holes in the back of my head from their staring yet you have come straight out” you turn to see Alexia resting against the door. 

“I owe you a drink and —” 

“And yet your hands are empty” you point to Alexia’s hand which as you stated aren’t holding a drink “You can come closer you know. I’m not going to blow”

“I know it’s just that—“

“The last time we were along I ran away crying” you laugh as you think back to that night. Things were going really well until they wasn’t.

“Are you going to let me finish a sentence or are you going to keep talking for me?”

You mumble an apology and signal for her to continue.

“Your friends know I know and I accidentally told keira we kissed” 

“Figures. She has been hovering” 

The two of you go quiet. It’s not awkward, it’s comfortable but even then it’s not what either of you wanted.

“You said we needed to talk” Alexia didn’t want to push things and you had told her this before the game.

“We do. What happened the other night it—“

“Shouldn’t have happened”

“Who is finishing the other’s sentences now” 

“Lo siento”

“As I was saying” you send her smirk so she knows she isn’t in trouble “The other night was very overwhelming for me, not because I didn’t like what happened but because I did. I told you that I had feelings and those feelings are for you Alexia. You make me feel things that I thought I’d never feel again. I promised my heart and love to her Alexia and to feel these things for someone else is like an act of betrayal. It feels wrong but I don’t want those feelings to stop. You kissed me and I knew it was going to happen yet I didn’t to stop it. I shouldn’t have ran away like that”

“It was a lot for you, I understand that” Alexia tried to reassure you that it was ok.

“It was but I should have stayed. You wanted to talk to me and I didn’t give you the opportunity. Just because I lost someone doesn’t mean that it’s only my feelings that matter. I’m sorry Alexia” 

Alexia couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Since you said the words ‘we need to talk’ she has been trying to think of all the things you could have said, an apology was not one of them.

“Can I say what I would have that night?” Alexia asks and you nods your head whilst closing the distance between you.

“Those feelings you talked about, I feel them too. Things changed between us after you told me and I couldn’t ignore it, trust me I tried. I was also aware of your loss and that this might not be something you are ready for so I talked to my mum one night. She is the only other person I know who has experienced the same loss you have. I told her that I had fallen for you and that I wanted to act on my feelings. You know what she told me? She told me that time heals all wounds but no amount of time is the same. If I wanted to prove to you that I truly liked you then I would need to take it slow so that is what I am willing to do. If you want to pursue this then we will take it slow, as slow as you need. You said it feels like an act of betrayal and I respect that. I won’t push you into anything you’re not ready for”

Alexia reached out for you and noticed once again tears were falling down your face.

“I have made you cry again. I shouldn’t have said anything. Y/N I am so sorry”

“Alexia, these aren’t sad tears” you reach for her hand  “I can’t promise you that this will be easy. When Natalia died she took a lot of my heart with her and I don’t know how much is left but I want to share what I have left with you. Please be patient with me Alexia because I don’t know how to do this again. For most of my life it has been her and I but now I get the chance at happiness again, with you. We can take this slow?”

“We will go as slow are you want. I have nothing but time for you Y/N”

Alexia knew what to say and for the first time in a long time you found yourself leaning forward. Just as you were about to kiss her she moves and kisses your cheek.

“Slowly Y/N” Alexia winked causing you to chuckle “How about we go for dinner when we return to Barcelona?“

“I would really like that”

“Me too. Now if I remember correctly I owe you a drink” Alexia holds the door open so that you both can rejoin the party.

“That does seem to be the case. Make it a double. It’s not every day you pull one over on La Reina to score the winning goal” you shoved her playfully.

[meazalykov]

Good Game, Sal

Salma Paralluelo x Barca!Reader

summary: are they enemies, or lovers?

Salma Paralluelo and I, both rising stars of Barcelona's Femeni team, shared more than just a common jersey; we shared a rivalry that burned hotter than the Catalan sun on a July afternoon.

Salma, with her quick footwork and innate goal-scoring abilities, was a product of La Masia, Barcelona's renowned youth academy. Her journey to the top seemed paved with gold, crowned by her recent triumph in the World Cup with the Spanish national team. Me, on the other hand, hailed from a humbled path, I considered my talent raw and untamed, molded through sheer determination and grit.

Growing up in the United States, I’ve played through many unknown summer leagues, clubs mainly filled with boys, school teams, and futsal in the winter months before I put the pen on paper with Washington Spirit at the age of 15. 

After four great years with building my talent, creating new friendships, and enjoying my life in the United States Capital, my contract was expiring. 

Washington Spirit offered me a renewal, but Barcelona contacted my agent with a proposal that sent my jaw dropping to the floor. The Catalan Club was my dream club while growing up. I’ve admired Alexia Putellas, Ronaldinho, Messi, and Xavi for years. So I followed my heart and denied another four years in Washington DC, so I can accomplish my dream. 

However, I had to put in hard work when I arrived in Barcelona. This challenge was needed, since the challenge to score on the pitch fuels my passion. However, I didn’t expect a rivalry to happen WITHIN the club rather than the opponents I’ve played against.

First, it was a constant competition for playing time. Overtime, I’ve thought that I harbored a deep-seated resentment towards Salma, envying her success, her effortless grace on the pitch. 

Against Madrid CFF, my debut game in September, I scored a brace that drove the club to win 4-0. Afterwards, I’ve held a record for scoring at least once in a game I’ve had minutes in. 

However, Salma seemed to have the upper hand when it came to having a start. I had to swallow my pride every time I had to be her 67th minute substitute. She always hugged me when she would come off, but my body would tense up everytime. Nobody noticed the small resentment for her, except for Salma herself. She started to piece small things together. 

“You did great today Niña, I'm impressed by your dribbling and speed in training.” Alexia, or my captain Ale, patted me on the back as we headed into the locker rooms after training. A few days ago, we won the Champions League semi-final against Chelsea. Thanks to a goal from Aitana, Fridolina, and I. 

Alexia was a huge advocate for me which made my heart melt. I’ve admired her as a fan but now I am her teammate, so I express my gratitude to her whenever its possible. 

“Thank you. I learn from the best people surrounding me.” I smirked and Alexia breathed out a chuckle. Something the girls noticed when I came to the club is how much I’ll compliment or support people on their skills. Aitana said that I've been a light in the dressing room when it comes to boosting morale. This is a reason why people don’t notice a small resentment I held for a-certain-someone on the team. 

“Well, Don’t get your hopes up when I say this— but Jona might consider you as a starter for the final— Don’t take that as a guarantee, but your speed will be needed against Lyon's defense” Alexia’s Spanish accent poked through as she held onto my shoulder. The Spanish are very affectionate. 

“I won’t get my hopes up— I do take that as a compliment though.” I said. 

“Good. We’ve been looking between you and Salma as the third forward in the finale. Since Frido and Caro will have the left and right wing.” Alexia spoke. I felt my stomach turn at her name. Aware that I will have to work harder in training to start in the final, I know Salma will do the same thing. 

A week later, my “animosity” towards Salma only intensified when I discovered that Salma will start in the final over me as a striker. Back at my apartment, I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve worked hard in training. My tears represented the fear that nobody is seeing the skills and potential I have. 

“Hey Y/n” As I walked out the locker room after training one morning, I turned around and saw Salma approaching me. My eyes widened and I turned to walk away in a hurry. 

“Hi.” I said quickly as Salma continued to walk beside me. What did she want? 

“We should go watch The Challengers movie with Esmee on our day off Sunday. I know you both used to play tennis and such, it looks like a great movie.” Salma hesitantly spoke. My eyebrows knitted together at what she said. I did play tennis for a few years in middle school back in America, but as a hobby not a sport. Esmee told me that she could’ve gone professional at tennis in the Netherlands but chose football instead. The Dutch girl is the only person that knew about my old tennis hobby, so she had to have told Salma about it. 

“Um–” I say as we both pushed the glass doors outside into the parking lot. As much as I wanted to say no, express to Salma how much I've resented her, and drive home.. I couldn’t. I felt my heart ache as I looked at the girl who had a shy smile. Wait– huh? Why am I doing that?

“I–I can go with you guys–Just have Esmee text me the details when you guys decide the time.” I said before walking away to my black SUV, my emotions not handling what Salma might’ve said or reacted to my acceptance. 

The last few days before Sunday came along. I’ve talked to my best friend, Isla, about everything. She doesn’t live in Spain, since she plays football for Gotham FC, but she had a clear understanding about the community.

After my rant which lasted an hour, Isla said something which made my heart stop for a quick second. 

“Are you sure that you hate Salma?” Isla asked over the facetime call. 

“Well-No! I don’t hate anybody, I just hate how big of an advantage she has over me.” 

“Oh– because it sounds like you’re in love with her–” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Well the way you’ve talked about Salma reminds me of how I started off with Esther here at Gotham. However it was the other way around. She was in love with me but refused to accept it– so she found reasons to try and hate me instead before she was forced to confront the truth.” 

That part of the conversation replayed in my mind for the last few days. Throughout training, throughout the game against Granada that won us the league, it replayed non-stop. It didn’t distract me but I couldn’t look at Salma without questioning if I am in love with her. A subtle shift began to take place within my heart, even if I didn’t want it to happen.

Salma started noticing the small things too. After the Granada game which granted us Liga F champions, she noticed when I wrapped my arm around her and Esmee as we jumped around in the red-colored locker rooms. I’ve noticed that as I started to slowly accept my possible feelings for her, my “resentment” faded away with it. 

“Good game, Sal.” I whispered in her ear as everyone posed for a group picture in our “Liga F Champions” shirts. She looked at me with widened eyes before smiling softly.

I found herself drawn to the challenge Salma posed as the Champions League final was coming up. Salma always craved the intensity of their encounters, the adrenaline rush of chasing victory side by side with her rival, just like I did.

By Sunday, the day where Salma Esmee and I will go to the movie theaters, I've accepted it—I finally realized the truth that had been staring me in the face all along. Due to past heartbreak, I didn’t want to fall in love again but here I am in Spain. As I stood in the mirror, looking at the nice casual outfit I've put on (imagine what outfit you want, reader <3) I knew with absolute certainty that what I’ve felt went beyond rivalry with Salma, beyond competition.

It was love.

In that moment of clarity, my resentment melted away. I knew that I couldn't keep denying her feelings any longer, but a fear started to grow inside of my heart. What if it's too late? 

Salma did notice my resentment towards her. There were times where I’ve blown her off because of that. I couldn’t blame her if she started to hate me for what I've done to her. 

Four hours later, The Challengers movie ended. I’ve sat in-between Esmee (on my left) and Salma (on my right) in the movie theater. The movie was good but I had the urge to look at Salma at times. Once, I looked down at her hand that wasn’t too far from mine. As much as I wanted to reach to hold her soft hands, I couldn’t do it. What if she pulled away? What if things would’ve been awkward between us? I didn’t risk it. 

When we hugged Esmee as she left the theater, it was Salma and I in the parking lot. I could’ve said bye and left too, but Salma wanted to say something to me. Esmee and her gave each other an unknowing glance, so I believe Esmee might know what Salma is feeling. 

“Y/n, Why do you hate me?” Salma frowned. My heart broke as I bit my lip in nervousness.

“I don’t.” I said I looked at her with a sad smile. 

“Yes you do. Every time I wanted to talk to you at practice, you always ran away to talk to someone else. I’ve noticed that you’re the only person that never congratulated me separately after a goal. I’ve seen the way you’ve brightened up people’s days with your compliments, love, and hugs. Why can I not have that Y/n? Did I do something to you for you to hate me? Just tell me because I don’t want to start off next season knowing that you might hate me for something I might’ve done.” Salma took my left hand and held it with both of her soft, moisturized hands as she looked me in the eyes.

A tear fell out of my left eye as I felt guilty. I’ve fucked up. I’ve hurt Salma and she doesn’t know why— I need to tell her how I feel. 

“Salma, I don’t hate you at all. I am so sorry for what I've done to you. All you did—really—was be great on the pitch. When I came to Spain, I noticed how loved you were by everyone. You had the minutes, skills, awards, and recognition that I could dream of having. However— I’ve admired you more than everyone else at the same time. I know that's hard to accept due to what I've done to you, but I felt like you were too good for me. I look at you more than everyone else. I wanted to hug you and congratulate your success with you but the vulnerability scared me. I’ve been hurt before so in order to protect my feelings, I’ve covered it up with resentment— Salma, I am in love with you.” By the time I told her that I love her, tears poured down my cheeks and Salma held me in a hug, tightly, as she cried too. 

“Y/n, I am in love with you too. That's why it hurt me when I believed that you might’ve hated me.” Salma said through her tears.

“I am so sorry–seriously. I don't hate you. I love you. I will never hurt you like that again, I swear.”  I said. 

After that night, we started over and became lovers. Our undeniable bond blossomed between us. The team adored our relationship and were happy for us. I did keep my promise, I never hurt her again. I’ve found love in giving my love to her without the fear of getting hurt. After the debut game in the 24/25 season, we walked off the pitch hand in hand, my heart fluttered as I know this is the beginning of our longtime relationship. 

<3

[wileys-russo]

toilet paper party II a.russo x reader

some tooth rotting gf lessi fluff to try and cure all of our post game depression, with a dash of supportive best friend and arsenal icon lotte wubben-moy ofc

toilet paper party II a.russo x reader

"-she's going to blame herself again, it's like the world cup all over again." you sighed quietly to lotte who was sat beside you on the bench, both of you wincing as the ball was smacked away and saved as alessia kicked it, and unfortunately it of course had to be the deciding penalty.

"but she doesn't need to, she kept us in the game she-" lotte tried to justify but with a look from you she fell silent, nodding in agreement. the two of you knew alessia well enough to know that though she shouldn't blame herself, she already would be.

"come on, time to start damage control." lotte sighed tiredly, slinging an arm over your shoulder as the two of you joined the team for the thank you lap and clap.

as much as you wanted to rush right to your girlfriends side to comfort her, crushing defeat already plastered on her face, you knew she needed some time and space. you also knew that you needed to give the rest of the team the opportunity to build up their own relationships with the blonde, and consoling her after a loss though never pleasant was a way for bonds to strengthen.

sure enough katie and lia were quickly plastered tightly to alessia's sides, lia squeezing her shoulder comfortingly as katie was gripping onto the younger girls hands tightly as she talked at her.

you weren't close enough to hear what was being said but you'd known the irishwoman long enough to know she would be doing her very best to remind alessia of all that she achieved this game rather than the one thing she missed.

it made your heart soar to see one half of your life mold with the other so successfully.

both you and alessia had been incredibly nervous for how the team would take the two of you dating when she was signed, with only a handful of them you were the closest to knowing about it prior to the announcement of her signing.

however besides the relentless teasing and jokes about how obviously smitten you were with one another, it had been smooth sailing and your favorite blonde had been welcomed into the team with hugs, grins and open arms.

you'd both of course made a pact about how you'd interact and communicate with one another around the team in professional environments, this was your job and a workplace after all. though as said you were smitten with one another, so some days you were a little less strict about this than others.

it wasn't until you were all in the change rooms after the loss that you finally had the chance to be with alessia, a lot of the team and coaching staff having pulled her aside to try and build her back up. affirming she had nothing to feel bad over, keeping you feeling grateful that your second family had her best interests at heart.

even jonas had taken her one on one and provided some well intended feedback about ways she could approach things a little different next time, and reminded her firmly that penalties were the worst way to decide a game, she had nothing to be sorry or beat herself up for.

after all the majority of the girls, yourself and your girlfriend included, had played in the world cup just over a month ago. and without a pre season there was still a lot of work to be put in before you'd all be up and running as one cohesive unit, and now at least you had the time to focus on that if you had to draw one positive from all of this.

however the break of time in between the final whistle and the team huddle to now the change room debrief had given you and lotte some valuable time to brainstorm ways you could try to cheer the blonde up, and you almost had a plan in motion.

half the girls had already filed out of the room and headed for the bus, or were spending a little time talking to the dwindling group of fans waiting eagerly by the exit, you all had around forty minutes until you were scheduled to depart.

you didn't say anything as you sat beside your girlfriend on the bench by her locker, the striker clearly lost in her own thoughts as she jumped slightly when she felt your warm hand land gently on her knee.

still nothing needed to be said as your eyes softened and hers conveyed utter defeat and exhaustion, long blonde hair slightly damp from the quick shower she'd taken in an attempt to wash away the immense guilt wracking her body.

your lips curled into a half smile seeing she'd tugged on your travel hoodie, having stolen it out of your kit bag as you were side tracked whispering away in the halls outside with lotte.

your smile only widened when your girlfriend wordlessly dropped her travel shirt and hoodie in your lap for you to put on later, the blondes head coming to slump on your shoulder as her long arms wrapped lazily around your torso.

you grabbed one of her hands with yours, intertwining your fingers and lovingly brushing your thumb against her knuckles. your other hand rubbed circles into the small of her back and you felt her body heave a long and tired exhale as she crumpled into you.

"i'm really proud of you lessi, i hope you know that." you whispered to her quietly, sharing a small smile with katie and jen as they walked past the two of you, the older girls looking on somewhat proudly seeing your girlfriend curled into your side as you were obviously trying to comfort her.

though it also must have looked quite awkward given the striker was a good foot or two taller than you, and you knew if she stayed in this position for too long she'd be rewarded with a stiff neck and back tomorrow.

"my golden goal scoring girl." you mumbled sincerely, the blonde squeezing your intertwined hands in a silent thank you before pulling herself up. "have a quick shower and i'll meet you on the bus tesoro." the italian nodded behind her to the showers before pressing a short but sweet kiss to your lips, grabbing her belongings and heading out of the change room with lotte.

~

showered and changed you felt an immediate and immense sense of calm settle over you as you clutched at the red material and inhaled deeply, senses drowned in the comforting aroma of your girlfriend.

sweet notes of lavender and bergamont from her favorite body mist that was used every game day, as well as the more subtle hints of green apple and roses from her shampoo. due to your height difference your body was swallowed in your girls shirt and hoodie, but you never minded.

given that for the majority of your relationship you'd been doing distance in some way with playing for different clubs, only really having proper quality time in the off season or during national camps. the ease and comfort of stealing one anothers clothes had become tradition, and it felt like a warm hug from the taller girl anytime you wore something that you knew was hers.

noticing you were one of the last to leave you hurried to collect and pack your belongings, tripping over caitlin's boots she'd left behind you grabbed them with a roll of your eyes and headed out of the stadium.

you took a few quick pictures and flashed a pearly white smile with a soft thank you to the last few fans hanging around before ascending the steps of the bus.

you couldn't help but laugh quietly at the scenes before you. beth was as usual on her karaoke machine, clearly trying to up everyone's moods by belting out an incredibly tone deaf version of river deep mountain high as she danced her way up and down the aisles.

some of the team were clapping along in encouragement while others had headphones on and were tucked away in their own world, clearly reflecting on the match that had been and what it now meant for you all as a team.

though beth seemed to respect this and only engaged with those who seemed willing participants of her chaos.

"you'd forget your head if it wasn't attached to your body foordy." you teased the australian as you offered up her boots, the girls eyes widening as katie cackled beside her and she elbowed the irish woman before accepting the boots, stating over and over that she owed you one which you playfully affirmed you'd not forget.

the smile remained on your face as you spotted alessia halfway down the bus, sat in front of lotte and across from viccy and cloe. the striker was chatting away to the small group with a much more relaxed demeanor, small smile on her face as she seemed in decent spirits.

her features brightened as she noticed you making your way toward her, of course wearing her hoodie.

"i didn't know we were allowed to change our numbers y/l/n? 23 now are you?" viccy teased, instantly noticing you were wearing your girlfriends clothes as you flipped her off, shuffling past alessia and dropping down into the vacant window seat beside her.

"my favorite 23." alessia turned her head and murmured quietly with a smile, kissing your cheek fondly as she tugged your legs to drape over hers.

"whose wearing my missing shoes too it would seem." she shot you a knowing look as admittedly you might have previously lied about not knowing the whereabouts to the adidas trainers, which were a favorite pair of the blonde.

"good news, i found them!" you smiled innocently, head thumping back gently against the window as you turned your body more to the side to get comfortable.

a few more minutes of chatter among you all and everyone had boarded, beth finally ceasing her verbal abuse to your ears in the form of her singing, instead joining lia, gio, frida and lina in a heated game of blackjack.

the engine roaring to life the bus was to take you back to the hotel where you'd all pack and have dinner together before heading off to germany tonight on a late night flight.

"can i ask a stupid question?" you asked your girlfriend quietly once everyone else had settled and she nodded, her attention now focused back solely on you as she absentmindedly traced shapes on your bare legs which laid in her lap, goosebumps arising along your tanned skin at her gentle touch.

"how are you feeling baby?" you asked somewhat cautiously, knowing it was stupid considering the loss you'd all just taken. "can i get back to you on that a little bit later love?" alessia replied with a somewhat pained smile as you nodded reassuringly, a comfortable silence falling between the two of you as she offered you one of her airpods.

you both busied yourself making a shared playlist for the flight later tonight, already having chosen to sit next to one another as you'd opted to sit with other team mates on the flight to sweden, and given the late time of night you both knew you'd likely want to sleep during the journey.

you glanced down to your phone in your lap as lotte sent you an influx of messages, confirming everything seemed to be moving along well for your little plan to lift alessia's spirits even more.

you poked your head over the top of your seat and gave her a thumbs up when your girlfriend wasn't looking, and before you knew it the bus had pulled into the hotel.

you both took your time getting off, allowing those who were in a rush to hurry forth as you dawdled, chatting with lia as the older girl dropped down into the seat in front of the two of you.

but once you were finally all off and had grabbed your belongings, the plan begun to come into affect.

"hey russo! come play a few rounds of cards in our room." katie called from a few feet away once you strode into the hotel lobby, an offer which though was sincere, was also set up by you and lotte to give the two of you a little alone time.

"come on, i heard the united girls had some sort of a poker cult going. let's see what you're made of then!" the irish woman grinned teasingly at the striker who hesitated and glanced toward you by her side.

"go on baby, she needs the humbling." you encouraged softly, poking her sides as she nodded with a soft smile, kissing your cheek and hurrying off after katie who subtly gave you a thumbs up behind the strikers back before disappearing into the elevator.

"we'll do it in my room in case she comes to yours looking for you, katie just said she'll try to keep her occupied for about a half hour or so. then we have a few hours till dinner!" lotte recounted as you nodded along and the two of you headed up toward her and alessia's shared room.

again with it being both of your first away games you and your girlfriend had opted not to room with one another, again giving her the chance to bond a little more with the team and not flaunt your shared relationship in everyone's face.

"okay, operation toilet paper party is a go." "lots that is not the name we agreed upon." "maybe, but you have to admit operation cheer up lessi just doesn't have the same catchy ring to it." "whatever you say wubben-moy."

~

it was down to the wire but the two of you just managed to pull it off, giving a satisfied nod at your efforts as katie messaged to say alessia was on her way back to her room as you'd planned, jen informing her that you were doing some media before dinner to assure she didn't head to yours looking for you.

"ready?" lotte mouthed and you nodded as you both watched the light click from red to green as alessia swiped her card in the door, pushing it open.

"congratulations lessi!" you and lotte both yelled loudly with a cheer, alessia jumping and clutching at her chest in shock from the sudden unexpected fright.

though once the messy hastily cut up homemade confetti came raining down upon her, her face morphed into a slightly confused smile, which only widened seeing the rushed half hazard toilet paper hung around the room as makeshift streamers.

"what is all this?" alessia asked with a small laugh of surprise.

"it's a toil-" lotte started as you elbowed her sharply with a firm look. "it's for you. a congratulations you scored your first goal for arsenal and are currently the leading goal scorer of the team with two epic goals that kept us in the game party!" you rambled out in one breath.

"i tried telling her the name was too long, but we both know how stubborn she is." lotte sighed dramatically with an eye roll making alessia laugh. "hey!" you frowned in offence, shoving the taller bruntte lightly.

"but regardless, congratulations!" you and lotte gave another cheer, throwing your other handfuls of confetti though with yours was done with poor aim as it landed in the blondes face.

"sorry." you whispered with an apologetic wince, taking a step forward and plucking off a few stray pieces of confetti which had stuck to mouth.

"guys." alessia breathed out, biting her bottom lip as a few tears welled up in her bright baby blue eyes. "hey don't cry! this is a happy moment, something to celebrate. that second goal was a worldie less." lotte assured with a soft smile.

"yeah baby you crushed it. and its only our second game! the droughts been broken and the flood gates are open and you're going to be a goal scoring machine." you affirmed, lotte nodding along in eager agreement.

"a force to be reckoned with!" "the italian stallion." "the russonator!" "the golden boot goddess." "taking names and kicking goals!"

your girlfriend let out a half sob half laugh at the assortment of nicknames, reaching out to the both of you for a hug which you both gladly allowed her to pull you into, lotte rubbing her back as you kissed her cheek.

"you're both the best. thank you!" alessia smiled, clearly overwhelmed with emotion as you reached up to tenderly wipe away her tears with the sleeve of your hoodie, making lotte aww as you rolled your eyes.

"oh and we have snacks! because what toilet paper party doesn't have snacks." lotte remembered, gesturing to the somewhat strange assortment of food laid out on the coffee table.

"lotte that is not the name we agreed on!" you huffed with a frown at her words, alessia tugging you into her and kissing the side of your head affectionately with a quiet laugh, mumbling how much she loved you in your ear.

"we don't technically know what most of it is. stina sort of went door to door collecting for us from everyones mini bar, and she said they all taste good!" lotte shrugged, rubbing the back of her neck as you all surveyed the swedish treats in front of you.

"we have a couple hours before dinner to snack, we have pitch perfect loaded and we grabbed extra pillows from reception so we can be extra comfy." you explained, alessia crumbling internally at how much obvious thought and care had been put into this.

"correction she stole some extra pillows from reception." lotte teased as you stuck your tongue out and the girl excused herself to use the bathroom, encouraging you both settle in and begin the movie.

"well hi." you mumbled against alessia's lips with a laugh as the striker pulled you into a searing kiss the moment lotte closed the bathroom door. "babe!" you laughed again as she easily picked you up, wrapping your legs around her waist as she bear hugged you as tight as she possibly could.

"i love you so very much lessi baby, you're amazing. you know that right?" you cupped her face and pressed your forehead to hers, reaching out to gently swipe away a loose tear which carved its way down her cheek.

"i can't-baby i don't know what to say." alessia managed to stammer out, still overcome with a waterfall of emotions. "you don't have to say anything, i just want you to feel supported and appreciated. without you coming on and changing the game we wouldn't have even stood a chance yeah? you alessia mia teresa russo are brilliant."

"god i'm so fucking in love with you." the blonde breathed out, eyes burning with a loving passion, the taller girl admiring you as if it was the first time she'd ever laid eyes on you.

"aw i love you both too!" lotte clapped sarcastically, throwing a pillow at the two of you with a groan and collapsing onto the bed as alessia placed you back down on your feet.

the two of you soon joined her, opening some of the swedish snacks as lotte clicked play on the movie.

"cheers to a successful toilet paper party!" "lotte for the one hundreth time that is not what we agreed on calling it!" "hey i don't know amore mio it is the first toilet paper party i've ever been to but it seems successful." "alessia! don't encourage her, whose side are you on?" "best toilet paper party ever!" "i simply cannot stand either of you."

[samkerrworshipper]

pain, sweet, pain | leah williamson x arsenal team

leah’s return from her acl injury is nothing like what she wanted nor expected, but her team are there to help her up when she’s down.

content: hurt/comfort, angst, sadness, pain.

Leah’s never been a good loser.

Whether it was U8s playing with the boys, or playing for Arsenal, or playing for England.

She knows this, it’s both her biggest strength and weakness. She likes to think that it makes her a better player and person, because she experiences the highs and lows like nobody else, but realistically she knows that's just the part of her that hates that she feels so inherently deeply worthless when she team loses and it feels she's somewhat at fault.

Captain Leah would never in her wildest dreams blame a loss on anyone, because she plays an eleven person game, a team game, one person cannot take the sole blame for a whole 90 minutes plus stoppage time.

Leah, 26 year old Leah, who's just coming back from an ACL injury and feels like her world is ending, can’t do anything but blame herself.

Never in her life has Leah felt so worthless, so scared for the future.

She’s worked so hard, worked every single day of recovery, for her knee and for her mind.

She’d thought she was ready, and physically she is, but mentally absolutely nothing prepares you for the moment when you step back on the field for your first game as a starter and you play like absolute shite.

Leah’s worked for over a year, tirelessly, to get to this point, she’d dreamt about it her whole recovery, dreaming of a pinnacle, a perfect moment at the end of the treacherous path, it had seemed perfect.

Realistically, Leah knows that it was never going to look exactly like that, but she’d hoped for something more, happiness, joy, a good game, fulfilment above all else.

Yet, she’s left feeling the complete opposite.

Leah didn’t wait around on the pitch, she was inconsolable, and she knew it, she didn’t need fans seeing her vulnerable, she didn’t need Sarina who had travelled all this way to see Leah play look at Leah with that look of disappointment that you could always catch in the corner of her eye. Leah just couldn’t do it, she couldn’t ever bear to look at Kim, her captain who cared so deeply at her, she couldn’t face that, couldn’t face a woman who was the person who was supposed to keep her accountable but also pick her up when she’s down.

So Leah slips away, slips into the tunnel before she gets stuck in some stupid surface conversation with Alex or Jill, even though she’s desperate to catch up with them, she just can’t do it right now. Drawing with Man City feels like a loss, Arsenal are second on the ladder, the only team they should be drawing or losing to is Chelsea, or at least that’s what Leah’s brain is telling her.

She slips into the bathroom, going unnoticed by anybody in the tunnel and keeping her eyes on her cleats as she makes her way into the away team lockers.

Leah doesn’t sit down, she moves straight to the bathroom, stepping into the first stall and locking the door behind her before she slides down onto the floor, bringing her knees to her chest and her head down onto her kneecaps.

Leah can’t breathe, Leah can’t think, all Leah can do is sit on the floor, contemplating whether it was all really worth it, whether the fucking months of blood, sweat and tears amounted to this. She doesn’t think so, Leah’s telling herself that all of that time, all the wishful thinking, all of the bullshit that she put up with is pointless.

She is Leah Williamson, England Captain, European champion.

Yet she had never felt more like an imposter in her own body.

Alex and Beth had told her about how playing her first full game would be the best moment of her life, especially after sitting out for a whole year.

It was a big step, sure, she’d been getting on the pitch, but being on for ten minutes of stoppage time hardly counted as playing, when Jonas had told her that he planned to have her start the Man City match Leah was excited, ecstatic even, in hindsight it was false confidence.

“Le, honey, are you in there?”

Leah realises that there are tears rolling down her cheeks, subconscious tears of anguish that she hurries to swipe away with the hem of her jersey.

Leah tries to silence herself, for long enough that Lia will leave her be, but she inevitably knows that even though Lia phrased it as a question, she knows Leah is hiding in the stall.

Leah and Lia are…. confusing.

Especially for Leah.

It’s this weird friends with benefits arrangement that somehow started after Caitlin and Lia broke up, it wasn’t very long after Leah and Jordan had broken up and one drunken celebratory night they fell into eachothers bedsheets.

It was blurred lines, sex and emotions that neither of them were ready to face.

Leah loved Lia, in so many ways, but she couldn’t do this, she couldn’t be vulnerable in front of a person that she had frequent casual sex with.

The sex was a confidence booster, for both of them, it made them both feel better, stronger, and Leah was fairly certain that Lia seeing her like this would wreck that.

“Le, baby, open up for me?”

Leah knows that she’s shaking, it’s the middle of fucking winter in London and she’s sitting in a tiled, cold bathroom in nothing more than her uniform. She doesn’t care though, she doesn’t care about anything, the only thing she is thinking about is how the fuck she is going to return to the locker rooms without looking like a complete fucking wreck.

“Leave me alone Lia, I’m fine.”

It’s a blatant lie, both women know it. The breakage and croakiness in Leah’s voice is enough of a sign.

“Don’t be like this Le, whatevers up, we can sort it out together, just open up the door.”

Leah can feel the sickness rising up in her throat, can feel the pain and anxiety coursing through her bloodstream.

“Lia I told you to fuck off, get the fuck out, I’m fine.”

Leah only just manages to get the expletives out before reaching for the bowl of the toilet, the sound of gagging filling the silent bathroom.

Leah hates the acidic flavour that rises up from her throat and directly out of her mouth into the bowl, the clear white being tarnished with the slightly orange tinged bile, Leah supposed it was probably from the gatorade that had been handed out at half time.

“Le, honey, you can open the door for me, I won’t judge you.”

Leah knows that Lia is just trying to be nice, that the Swiss woman really does have a heart of gold and would never judge Leah, not even at her darkest moment. But her mind is betraying her, everything she believes in seems false.

“Lia get the fuck out.”

It’s almost a scream, definitely a yell.

The overwhelming silence that comes after it is deafening.

Then Leah’s ears are blessed with the sound of cleats slowly trailing away from her, it’s the first time since the whistle blew at the start of the game that she feels just a smidge of peace.

Leah tries to pick herself up from the floor, at least the toilet bowl, but it’s a losing battle, the uneasiness in her stomach suddenly forcing more bile up her throat.

Leah hadn’t eaten this morning, so most of it was just bile and liquids that she’d had before the game and at halftime, it burned her throat, making the already abundant ache so much more prominent.

It’s just as Leah is finally pulling her head out, swiping her long blonde ponytail out of the way that she hears the sound of a loud and deft knock against the stall door.

“Leah Williamson, open up, right now.”

Leah’s body shivers more than it was before, whatever gods are up there, she just prays that Kim didn’t hear her vomiting, or crying, or anything.

“I’m fine Kim, leave me alone.”

Leah sounds even more of a mess than she did a few minutes ago when she was trying to convince Lia of the same thing.

“I didn’t ask if you were fine, I told you to open the door.”

Kim’s Scottish accent is so deep, so enunciated in the way it always seems to be when she’s using her stern captain's voice.

“Kim, please just leave.”

Leah is pleading, something that she hates to do, but if Kim asks her once more with that voice she knows she’s not going to resist. So she’s not necessarily pleading to be left alone, but she is pleading for Kim to not push, to not force her to do something she doesn’t want to.

“Leah Cathrine, open the door now, if I have to ask again I will exercise other options to get to you.”

Leah hates how responsive she is to Kim’s voice, she doesn’t manage to get herself up from the bowl, but she does manage to reach one of her long and gangly arms up to the lock and flip it to the side, leaving the door unlocked.

It takes Kim a total of a second to fling the door open.

She doesn’t waste time in the doorframe looking Leah up and down, she steps into the stall, locking the door behind her immediately and sitting down against the door, where Leah had previously been sat.

Kim doesn’t say anything, pretends that she doesn’t notice the tear tracks and snot all over Leah’s face. Instead she extends a windbreaker out towards Leah. Leah shakes her head and Kim just shakes her head, still holding her arm out.

“Leah take the fucking jacket, I won’t be the one to tell your mother that you got hypothermia because you refused to put a jacket on after a game.”

Then it hits Leah, there are people here, at the game, for her.

Her mother, grandmother, father, brother.

Keira even managed to make the trip down just for this game, and yet Leah is crumpled over in a loo, having a fucking breakdown.

Kim shoves the jacket at Leah, and Leah just gives in, pulling it around her shoulders but leaving her arms out so she doesn’t have to remove them from the toilet seat, out of fear that whatever is left contained in her stomach will arise.

Leah and Kim stay that way for a while, Kim just sitting and watching Leah carefully, whilst Leah clutches onto the toilet seat.

She vomits once again, but this time it’s just stomach acid, it burns but it makes her stomach rest a little bit easier, easy enough for Leah to push herself up from the toilet bowl and rest against the wall beside her, so she’s diagonal from Kim.

“Don’t you have teammates to pep up?”

Kim just furrowed her eyebrows at Leah.

“Yes, you.”

Leah grimaces at that answer, she isn’t normally the consoled, normally the consoler, taking up the same job that Kim is right now.

“There are people who have bigger problems right now than I do.”

Kim nods, which throws Leah off a little bit.

“Yes, there are, but I think you’ve been needing this a lot longer than you’d care to admit.”

Leah can’t look at Kim’s eyes, can’t bear the amount of concern that is being directed at her, so she keeps her eyes on her cleats.

They’re muddy, and sopping wet, and Leah’s feet are shivering like crazy, her toes numb from the cold.

“Needing what?”

The question hangs in the air, empty but yet also so full with wonder.

“Needing attention, comfort, vulnerability, needing to not be the invincible Leah Williamson for a minute.”

Leah can’t disagree with Kim, even if she wanted to, it’s just a lie that Kim would catch her out on, and she’s dealt with enough disappointment today.

“I should be happy, on cloud nine, it’s my first game back.”

Leah’s voice betrays her, betrays every single thing that she’s wishing she was feeling.

“There isn’t anything you should be, there are things you can want to feel, but there’s no exact way that you should be feeling right now. Remember Viv’s comeback? Recovery isn’t linear Leah, you know that.”

Kim’s scolding her a little bit, she knows how to get through to Leah, she needs tough love, none of the soft pity bullshit.

“I played like shit, you should be yelling at me not sitting on the bathroom floor with me looking at me like I’m a kicked puppy.”

Kim cocks her head, this is how she works her way in, she doesn’t even have to ask the questions, she just slowly works the answers out, she can play the long game.

“You missed a few passes and intercepts, it's not the end of the world, so did everyone. Do you think I should be yelling at them? We had a bad game Leah, it happens.”

Kim’s words are strong, passionate, but Leah knows there is a lingering question hanging beneath them.

“Leah, how are you doing?”

It’s such a bleak question, so simple but yet so impossible to answer.

“I’m fine, I’m good, I’m back on the pitch, I’m happy.”

It’s all lies, Leah is fairly certain that she hasn’t felt fine or good in a few weeks now, and definitely not happy. She doesn’t think she deserves to feel happy, especially not when she’s been playing how she has.

“You know that you don’t have to sugar coat things with me, you don’t need to lie to me for the sake of trying to get me to leave you alone, it won’t work.”

Kim is probably the most stubborn and selfless person Leah knows, it’s normally the thing she admires most about the Scot, but right now she couldn’t detest it more.

“Leah, you do know it’s okay to be upset, or annoyed, you're coming back from a major injury, I’d be concerned if you weren’t feeling some of those things.”

Kim’s words are reassurances, she’s trying to send Leah into a false sense of comfort, enough comfort that she’ll start to open up to Kim, that she’ll finally let all of her walls and mental barricades down.

“Kim, seriously, I’m fine.”

Kim exhales, deeply, she’s letting go of her lenient side, breathing it out and expelling the soft part of her that was dancing circles around Leah’s mental state, hoping that she’d open up on her own, but it was crystal clear that was Leah was not going to be volunteering that information.

“Leah, have you been struggling?”

It’s a blunt question, and as Leah looks up at Kim with complete shock and fear on her face she can’t find anything besides concern and questioning in her eyes.

“What does that matter?”

It’s a deflection, a weak one, an attempt at trying to pivot Kim, Leah knows subconsciously though that it’s not going to work, Kim sees through it.

“I’m worried about you, I know a lot of the team is. I know you’re struggling Leah, whether you want to admit it or not.”

Leah forces herself to take a deep breath, the unwavering depth in her Captain’s eyes is unmissable, tormenting her from a metre away.

“Leah for the last month you’ve looked like you’re on the cusp of a nervous breakdown, and that’s okay, there is nothing wrong with that. But feeling that way for a whole month isn’t normal.”

Leah knows Kim is right, the older Scot is hardly ever wrong, she’s only seven years older than Leah, but sometimes Kim seems wiser than her mother, sometimes she treats Leah like her daughter, this moment is one of those moments.

“Kim, please just leave me alone.”

Leah is pleading, begging, praying that Kim will just leave her be, stop trying to make her feel things that she doesn’t want to.

“I’ll shut up but I’m not leaving you alone, not when you feel like this.”

Leah feels like Kim knows what she’s feeling better than Leah does, and that’s a weird feeling, knowing that Kim knows exactly what swirly weird thoughts are happening in Leah’s confusing brain.

“Leah, you’re obviously not doing very well.”

Leah cuts Kim off before she can say much more, because she’s honestly sick of hearing Kim’s half lecturing half concerned voice in her ear.

“Thanks for stating the obvious Kim, no, I’m not doing fucking well, I’m pretty sure a blind man could figure it out, so please, for gods sakes, leave me the fuck alone.”

In some strange way, it’s like music to Kim’s ear, hearing Leah openly admit her problems, because it means that Kim is slowly easing her up, slowly getting her to hone in on her emotions.

“Leah, talk to me, what’s up?”

All of a sudden Leah’s face contorts into one of genuine pain, and Kim feels her gut drop for a second.

“Kim I need you to just leave me the fuck alone like I’ve already fucking asked you too.”

Kim likes to think that she’s fairly lenient, she knows how much her girls, her teammates, can take. She knows how to handle most situations, and to an outsider, in this situation they’d probably say that Kim should leave Leah alone.

Kim knows Leah, just like she knows everybody else on the team. She knows that Leah, in all of her stubbornness and masking, often needs someone there for her, although she’d never admit it.

“Leah Cathrine, you can be as angry as you’d like, but you won’t talk to me or anybody like that, especially someone who is just trying to look out for you. Now, I’ll ask you once again, and give you the opportunity to answer me honestly before I haul your ass out of here and onto the bus. Leah, you know that I would never judge you, nobody on this team will ever judge you, and if they do they’ll have me to deal with. We all love you so much, you’re our Leah, our baby girl, and we all just want the best for you.”

Leah forces herself to take a breath, she feels more tears falling down her face as Kim’s words truly start to impact her.

“Sarina’s here, and I played like shit. My knee fucking kills, the olympics are in two months and I’m playing like shit. I’ve never had anxiety, never had a panic attack besides the euro finals, and all of a sudden, I’m a emotional fucking wreck and can’t get my shit together, I need to be better.”

Kim takes a good look at Leah’s franticness, it’s so unlike her, but also not unexpected.

“Leah, take some deep breaths for me honey, use your diaphragm.”

Kim’s voice has dropped a few octaves, and it’s lost all of the tension that was previously in it.

“Everyone on the team thinks I’m weak, stupid and weak, fucking useless.”

Kim stops Leah’s ramble before she takes it too far.

“Leah, listen to me. You are not weak, or stupid, or useless, or anything that your brain is telling you. You are recovering from a devastating injury. You are not perfect. You are doing your best.”

Leah looks up at Kim, with big doe eyes full of tears, she looks so helpless, like a young child.

“You are Sarina’s captain Leah, she’s going to pick you for the olympics. She’d be crazy not too, and if she doesn’t, which isn’t going to happen but with the off chance, then we can go watch them, or we can stay in London and work on your recovery. There will be people around, friends, family. You will not be alone.”

Leah doubts Kim, even though her captain sounds so sure she can’t help but feel a little bit insecure. Millie’s been doing her job for almost a year now, and she’s been doing a bloody good job of it, it makes Leah wonder if Sarina is even going to want her back, especially when her and Millie play the same position on the pitch.

“Leah, honey, I say this as someone who loves you and cares about you more than you’ll ever know. If your knee is hurting, then you should be telling the trainers, and not pushing it. You know your body, and if it’s hurting you need to rest. I know that you want to be playing, and you're finally allowed to so it’s this big deal, but you need to listen to your body and not hurt yourself further. I don’t want to have to tell Jonas and the trainers that you are playing through pain, so I need you to do it, before I bench you for endangering yourself.”

Kim hates how broken Leah looks, and if she could she’d pick Leah up and give her a big hug and say sorry for everything that she’s going through, and she’ll get to that, but right now, Leah is the most impressionable, and this is Kim’s chance to get through to her.

“Leah, every single person on this team loves you, no matter what. This team, this family, all of the love is completely unconditional, you don’t have to put on a brave face for them, I can guarantee you that if we walked into that locker room right now all they would want to do is make sure that you are okay. Nobody is here to condemn you, or make you feel like shit. We all care about you Leah, we’re all worried about you, not mad or angry.”

Leah looks up at Kim, her wobbling bottom lip between her teeth and tears, she looks so gutted, so much smaller than she really is.

“I failed them.”

It’s the first words that have left Leah’s mouth in a while, and it sends a sob barrelling directly from her lips.

This sob, this breakage, this sign of outward weakness speaks volumes to Kim, and it has her scooching over so she’s sitting beside Leah, their shoulders brushing up against each other. When Leah leans into the contact Kim raises one of her arms, putting it across the back of Leah’s shoulder blades and bringing the younger defender into her body.

Kim leans down, pressing her lips to Leah’s forehead, letting them linger for a little bit.

“Leah, honey, no matter what, you could never fail any of us, even if you had ten own goals in a final, none of us could care less, your our Le, our super star. You could never fail us.”

Leah forces herself to take a deep breath, to compose herself, Leah Williamson does not cry.

Except today, today she does, for so many different reasons, and yet absolutely no reason.

“I just don’t want to disappoint anybody, everyone needs me to be good, everyone expects me to be good.”

It’s like a mantra to Leah, a reminder, it’s her bible.

Leah Williamson does not lose, Leah Williamson does not disappoint, Leah Williamson cannot be a failure.

Yet today, it feels like she’s done all of those things, and it’s too much for her, too much for her heart to handle.

“Leah, I’m not wanting to rush you, we can sit here for as long as we have to for you to feel better, but the bus is waiting for us, and I know the girls really want to see you. Plus, my old lady knees are starting to cramp up in here.”

It’s lighthearted, but Leah feels the pressure fall down on her chest like a stack of heavy bricks.

Kim sees the change, and she does exactly what Leah needs, she brings her into her lap for a bone breaking hug.

“They’re going to be mad.”

Leah’s voice is a murmur, low and so quiet that Kim almost misses it.

“Leah I can promise you nobody in that room is going to be mad at you, proud, happy, overjoyed, yes. But one hundred percent not mad. We’ll go out there, get you changed out of these freezing clothes, you can talk to whoever you’d like to. We’ll leave the changerooms, there will probably be people there to talk to you, maybe Sarina, maybe so people from the press, probably your mum. Talk to whoever you want to, then we’ll hop on the bus and get back to the hotel. Okay? I just need you to be brave for me and do it, because I know you can, all of us girls know you can, okay?”

It takes Leah a little bit to nod in agreement with Kim, but eventually she does, her head lifting from its spot buried in Kim’s windbreaker.

“C’mon then, let’s get you up.”

Kim uses all of her strength to lift herself up off the floor, the pre match soreness has settled into her bones and muscles and she makes an internal joke about the old age really starting to get to her.

Once she’s stood up properly she reaches to pull Leah up, even if her back is aching and her knees are sore.

Leah’s unsteady on her legs, like a baby with sealegs, or a newborn baby horse. Kim has to quite literally manhandle Leah into leaning onto her, her arms wrapped around Kim’s much smaller form.

It’s uncomfortable, but Kim makes do, unlocking the stall and dragging Leah over to the sink.

“Wash your face off honey.”

Leah takes one look at herself in the mirror and is instantly shocked, her eyes are thoroughly red rimmed, puffy and altogether Leah just looks like a complete mess.

She leans down to the sink, turning the faucet and washing some of the ice cold water over her face. It doesn’t do much, it doesn’t really do anything besides wipe the tear stains from her face and make a little bit of the redness subside. Not enough to make it look like she hasn’t been crying herself sick, and definitely not enough to make it look like she has her shit together.

She wants to tell Kim to go ahead without her, but one look at the Scottish captain through the mirror tells Leah that anything she says is going to be useless.

So she swallows and spits a little bit of water to clean the acid taste from her mouth and then she stands herself up, righting her uniform and leaning herself back onto Kim, her legs and stomach feeling as uneasy as her current metal state.

When Kim makes it to the door of the bathroom, Leah feels her stomach drop, plummeting to her feet. Kim doesn’t hesitate, even with Leah draping her studs down against the concrete.

Leah keeps her head down, completely ashamed and unable to look at the faces of any of her teammates.

Kim leads her over to her cubby, sitting her down on the seat gently before sitting herself down in front of Leah, pulling off her soaked cleats and leaving them on the floor for later.

“Leah, honey, look at me please.”

Leah struggles to take her eyes from her lap, where her hands are sitting, fiddling aimlessly with the skin around her nail beds.

She eventually does though, keeping her eyes solely focused on Kim’s face, not letting her eyes travel to any of her teammates.

“You need to get changed, but my knees are really sore so I don’t think I can hold you up by myself, I need to go see one of the trainers. Who would you like to help you?”

No one.

That’s the answer that bounces around Leah’s head.

“I can do it myself.”

Leah’s words come from a stubborn mindset, the mindset that is making her feel even sicker for being so openly vulnerable.

“How about Viv and Beth, or Katie, or Jen?”

Leah hates all of the options, because they all include her having to be vulnerable with more people.

“I can do it myself.”

Kim rolls her eyes, her face still as stern and set as ever.

“It’s not up for argument Leah, I’m going to go get Viv, okay?”

If Leah had to make a choice, it would have been either Beth or Viv, because both of them have been through what she has, but Viv is the better option, because she won’t try and make jokes with Leah.

So Leah allows Kim to get up from the floor in front of her, and wander off to wherever she has too, to find Viv.

It’s about thirty seconds later that a pair of white nike shoes show up beside Leah’s sock covered feet.

“Leah, liefje, kom voor mij op?” Leah, love, stand up for me?

Leah’s not fluent in Dutch, she can’t speak a word of the language besides some simple conversation and basic terms of endearment, but for whatever reason she understands Viv perfectly.

Using the wall of her cubby as a crutch, she stands herself up, looking at Viv with a lot of questioning in her eyes.

Viv doesn’t wait for permission, she just reaches for the bottom of Leah’s jersey, lifting it up until Leah’s forced to put her arms up so Viv can pull it over her head.

Before leah’s left shivering, Viv’s helping her pull a long sleeve top and hoodie over her body, making her once freezing body a little bit warmer.

Once Viv has the hoodie pulled around Leah tightly she moves to her shorts, once again not waiting for permissions and tugging them as well as her compression shorts down.

Before she tugs the sweatpants on though, she secures a knee brace and ice pack to Leah’s knee.

Leah’s almost embarrassed about the fact that she nearly moans when the ice makes contact with her knee, the cold contrast feeling so incredible on her inflamed and sore skin.

Viv then moves onto the sweatpants, pulling Leah’s feet through the bottoms of them and then pulling them up and over her knees gently before securing the pants loosely around Leah’s hips.

Once her clothes are on, and Leah is feeling a little bit happier and spacey from the welcome warmth, Viv sits her back down on the bench.

She pulls Leah’s socks off, dutch simplicity leaving her lips as she gently applies, newer and softer socks to Leah’s feet, Viv’s warm hands gently rubbing over Leah’s feet as she pulls the socks over her toes and ankle, before pulling out a pair of ugg boots that Leah has never seen before and tugging them onto her feet.

Normally, Leah would revolt against the break of uniform, but she’s too tired, too vulnerable, too broken to care.

Viv can apparently tell, because in a few seconds time there is a group of girls flanking her, all with the same soft, calm expressions on their faces.

Katie, Beth, Viv, Jen and Lia.

“Hey baby girl, time to get you to the bus hey?”

It’s Beth’s gentle voice, quiet and soft.

“M’ sorry.”

It’s the only thing going through Leah’s brain, endlessly repeating like a record that keeps replaying.

“Hey, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for and we’ll talk about it on the bus, but we just need to get you there, okay? So Viv and Jen are going to help you, Katie will grab your things and I’ll make sure that any press stragglers stay away, okay?”

Leah feels defeated, and broken, but she nods anyway.

Jen and Viv reach down to pull her up, Beth leading the way out of the change rooms and back into the tunnel. Luckily, there are no stragglers, and the trip is fairly easy, Kim joining the group somewhere along the way with ice packs secured to both of her knees but she looks as if she's in good enough spirits.

They manage to manhandle Leah onto the bus and into a seat, cocooned between Kim and a window.

Kim whispers sweet nothings in her ear the whole ride home, reassurances that Leah doesn’t really hear with her ringing ears.

It’s actually Viv who brings Leah out of her trance, pulling Kim out of her seat beside her so Viv can sit down.

Leah, liefde, listen to me for a second please.”

Leah takes a deep breath.

“You did everything you could have, we all did everything we could have, this is not your fault nor your burden to take. None of us will accept you taking the burden for this. You can’t allow yourself to, because this,” Viv’s hand falls on Leah’s puffed up knee, covered with an ice pack, butLeah understands what she means.

“Is not going to get better if you don’t allow yourself to heal mentally. We’re all here for you, we’re all going to carry you when you are down, please Leah, for me, for your mum, for anybody, just let yourself rest. We’ll review, and as a team we will get better, but we need you beside us getting better as well, we need you out here leading the team, like we all know you can. Take a night, reflect and then come back tomorrow with the mindset that you have something to prove, to us, to Jonas, to Sarina, yes?”

Leah looks at Viv, looks at how genuine she is, how she definitely knows exactly what Leah is feeling.

The words linger for a few seconds, before a mass of Arsenal hoodies are piling on top of Leah and Viv, a struggle of arms and hands securing themselves around Leah.

It’s warm, happy and loving.

It’s everything that Leah has been working to create in this environment for years, not for herself, for everyone around her. But having it come back to her, it hits her like a freight train, and suddenly, or not so suddenly, Leah realises that she’s not doing everything by herself, she doesn’t have to when this is her team.

[maxwell-grant]

(VENTURE BROS FINALE SPOILERS)

There's this thing I keep thinking back to in The Venture Bros, that is the way everyone talks about Jonas Venture. The early myth of Jonas Venture, the great man and hero beloved by everyone who has been succeeded by a less-than-great failure of a son, is eventually twisted around with the gradual reveal of Jonas as a horrible man who did horrible things to his son that made him the way he is, and with every subsequent appearence unveiling more and more about the depths of depravity Jonas was actively capable of. We get to see how much Jonas is responsible for many of the issues all the characters find themselves envolved in, how much can be traced back to him, and we see things he's done that even appalled the rest of the old Team Venture who seemed mostly fine with all the other things he was doing. Rusty even gets a couple of moments of catharsis where he's shown to be making progress in having moved past his dad.

But the way people talk about Jonas Venture never changes. There is no reckoning for anyone other than maybe Rusty. Jonas Venture is the biggest and most successful and influential character even after his death, and his perception at large never remotely changes. He is the biggest monster, and so he has the best public image out of everyone. All the little monsters are just playing in his pool, and even all the other not-monsters will cover for him and praise him no matter what he did, no matter how many people he killed, no matter how many children's lives he ruined or how much destruction he left everywhere he went.

When we're introduced to Professor Victor von Helping, the kindest and most helpful person Dean's ever had in his life, he expresses open admiration for Jonas as an inspiration for getting into science, something he will explain to Dean was what saved him and allowed him to take control of his life from his horrible father, and this is directly after the Morpho saga that had shown us Jonas at his absolute worst. And the thing is, we're not meant to think less of Von Helping for it. He is not malicious, he doesn't worship science or Jonas for any nefarious or ignorant reason, he just knows what everyone does: that Jonas Venture was a great scientist who changed the world and has been succeeded by a not very impressive son.

Ben, who personally assisted Jonas in the cloning process and who knows what else and now lives in a graveyard of hundreds of people whose deaths he directly attributes to both Rusty and Jonas, is still about as benevolent as a super scientist can really be in the setting, and in the movie he helps cap off the show with a message to Hank Venture that he delivers based on what Jonas passed onto him. He attributes "Blood doesn't make a family; love does", a closing statement on the show, as heartfelt wisdom from Hank's granddad. It's not played for irony. We can debate whether it's meant to have some or the degree to which that statement can be read as malicious coming from Jonas or someone who was that closely affiliated with him, but none of that even really matters in that moment of Hank's closure and Ben being able to provide some with what he claims to be Jonas' teachings.

None of this takes away from all the horrible things Jonas did. None of this is meant to be any kind of redemption for him or his legacy. His legacy may be complicated, but Jonas Venture was not a complicated man. Complications and moral dillemmas are things he invented for the little people around him to deal with, whether they fought for the Guild or the OSI, or they are little Ventures scurrying in his shadow. Moral greyness was just a thing for chumps to be concerned about while Jonas ruled the world unimpeded from doing whatever he wanted to whoever he wanted.

Usually when shows have this big, massive force behind so many unfolding events and characters and traumas, there's a degree to which their comeuppance involves some kind of larger reckoning. They get exposed for who they are, their legacy crumbles, their great deeds are rendered lesser, they are given ignoble fates or some kind of retributive punishment, society can rest easier with the great evil exposed and defeated, and the audience can rest easier knowing that, if some great evil like this was made public and exposed, we'd do something about it. We'd so something about it on a scale that matters and stops it from happening again.

We need to believe that's what happens because we can't, and maybe we must never, accept that it doesn't work that way, that all around us are monuments and reminders that celebrate the monstrosities of our forefathers and their grip on our current lives, even when everything they've done and continue doing is public record, even when you tell someone about it and they still keep doing it, and everyone around you gives them a pass to do it so long as it (and by "it", they mean you) doesn't bother them.

And it's not like none of those things happened with Jonas, he did get a deserving comeuppance of sorts in the Morpho trilogy. But nobody really cared. Nobody that mattered cared. Only Rusty cares, and Rusty doesn't matter. Certainly not as much as his dad matters. Jonas gets the approval of the world and all the accolades and statues that follow, and he gets to crush his children forever under the weight of his legacy because of that. All they can do is try and survive past him, and even that is enough of a struggle.

But even with all of that, even with Ben's gentle and comforting parting words being another reminder that history exonerates Jonas for everything he's done while looking down on those he victimized, I find myself thinking of the fact that the last we ever see of Jonas' image is that accursed statue finally being toppled off it's pedestal, and the entire cast banding together to rescue The Monarch, his other son and victim, from it. They may not even like him (and for good reasons), but they don't let the invincible grip of his father take him to the grave. It takes them all to push back Jonas, but they push him back nonetheless, and Monarch lives another day.

It's not what the movie ends on, it's more of a funny moment than anything. It's just I was going to end this ramble pessimistically, until I remembered this frame. The true final word on him.

May we all survive the Jonas Ventures of our lives and push those fuckers back into the trash where they belong.

[repulsiveliquidation]

they could never be mad at you.

Little! Leah Williamson x Caretaker! Reader

8AM, North London.

Leah just had to pick the loudest, most obnoxious alarm in the world. Of course, to make it worse, she slept through it while it scared you half to death every morning. You reach over and turn it off, seeing her still snuggled into the sheets on her stomach with soft snores leaving her lips. She was lucky she was so cute, you just shook your head and kissed her head softly and rubbed her back.

“Leah? Time to wake up darling, training is in half an hour.”

“Five more minutes.”

“We’ll be late by then. Come on, up you get.”

“You’re mean.”

“And your wretched alarm gave me a heart attack, I think we’re even.”

This made her chuckle, sitting up in bed and rubbing her eyes. You leaned in and kissed her, her hands pulling you closer and groping naughtily. “Okay, okay, I know what you’re doing. Go make a pot of coffee, I’ll change really quick.” You push her away, climbing out of bed ignoring her protests and accusations of “I wasn’t doing anything, you’re the dirty minded one!”

Both now dressed and kit bags in the back, you headed to training. She let you drive this time, it probably explained the sudden rain that started when you left the house. Hand on her thigh, she hummed softly along to the radio, rubbing your forearm lightly.

You both got to training just in time, walking into the changing room with Katie and Beth. Laughter filled the room when Katie walked through the door and straight into the plastic wrap they put there, chasing the prankster Alessia all the way out to the pitch. You ducked through into the room, stomach hurting from the laughter. You didn’t see Leah’s face suddenly drop, head very slowly becoming fuzzier. She knew this feeling but shook it off, putting some music on to try to get her out of the headspace.

Training went smoothly, you were just about done with drills and were setting up the pitch for a 5-a-side scrimmage. Leah was on the opposing team to yours, pulling on her yellow bib and you your blue one. She smiled cheekily, mouthing “You’re losing today,” you laughed and answered “You wish, Williamson.”

Lotte passed a beautiful ball to you, giving you space to dribble past McCabe and Leah before she caught up and swiped the ball away from you and straight to Kim. She helps you up, a wide grin on her face. “Not gonna make this easy are ya?” you tell her, to which she responds by sticking her tongue out. “You’re childish, you are!” That word. Childish. It set something off in her, as she stood in place and her head immediately feeling fuzzier by the minute. No one noticed thankfully and she managed to shake it off again and get back into the game. In that time, you had scored; the cheering not helping her get her head on straight. Alessia noticed her spaced out look, checking on before being waived off with a gruffy “I’m alright.”

She tried her best get back into it but it was just too difficult. She couldn’t figure out what set her off today, she had slipped earlier in the week with you; she usually was satiated for the week and didn’t need to more than once. Today was different; she was slipping hard and fast which was not her favorite way to slip. Thankfully, Jonas blows the whistle and she half-runs to the benches to chug water. She wants to give in so hard but training ends in an hour and she knows she’s been able to hold out that long before. The last time she had to, she almost didn’t. The press conference was going on way too long and she didn’t have you beside her to keep her calm. A couple words slipped out of her but she kept her cool and managed to avert disaster. You were watching, taking note of all the signs of her dropping. Sarina called the press conference and she practically ran to you, tears almost falling down her cheeks as you helped her to the bus and put her down for a much-needed nap without the rest of the girls noticing her strange behavior.

She wanted to run to you the same way she did that day. Whine and cry for you, suck her thumb and have you sing to her. But she couldn’t. The rest of the girls didn’t know she indulged herself this way, only trusting you after a year into your relationship to tell you. She needed to know that you wouldn’t ridicule her, make fun of her or demean her for needing this release sometimes. You were the opposite and she was mad at herself for not telling you sooner. You were the perfect caregiver, so attentive to her needs and knew what she needed before she could tell you. It made her indulgence so much easier to have someone else do the thinking for her, thinking was hard.

And thinking right now really was hard. She whined softly at herself. She really really needed you right now and you couldn’t see it. Katie walked over to her, seeing her in a little distress. “You good there, Leah? What’s upsetting ya now?”

“No, go ‘way! Leave Lee ‘lone!” She yelled, rushing off to the changing room with tears running down her face. You heard her, heard the higher pitched voice she normally had when she was feeling little. Your face shot up at the sound she made, eyes filled with concern. Katie’s face held the same expression, full of bewilderment at the way her captain reacted to a question she asked Leah all the time along with the words she said. “Lone? Why did she call herself Lee?” You didn’t hear her, already running over to where Leah disappeared to.

“Baby? Where are you sweetheart?” You called out, searching the locker rooms and not finding her there. You looked in the gym and the physiotherapist’s room too and didn’t see the blonde anywhere. “Leah? Where are you hiding baby, I’m getting worried now!” “Mama, ‘elp…” you heard coming from the showers, you walked inside and saw her curled up on the floor and crying. “Oh babygirl, what’s happened?” You immediately picked her up and cradled her in your arms. She cried even harder, clutching your training jersey and letting out louder sobs. “Lee messed up Mama, ‘ewryone know now!” She choked out, snot running down her nose and fat tears rolling down her cheeks. Your heart hurt seeing her like this, using your hands to wipe away her tears.

“Shh, angel. It’s okay, why didn’t you tell me you were feeling little baby? Mama would’ve spoken to Jonas for you.” “t-thought could be big…” she whined, sniffling softly, tears still wetting her face. “Honey, we talked about this. When you feel the need to, even just a little you come and talk to me okay? You could really hurt yourself, angel; Mama doesn’t want that to happen.”

“Otay…” she said in a soft voice, tears no longer flowing. “Now, about the girls finding out about your little secret. Why are you still afraid baby? You know they wouldn’t judge you. I certainly wouldn’t let them.” “Lee scawed they mad at me…” “They could never be mad at you, pretty girl. Never. Do you want to try to explain this to them? Mama knows you really made Katie scared she hurt you earlier. I think you owe her an explanation, hm?” You picked her up and held her close, walking to the changing room with her head resting on your shoulder stuffed into your neck.

The girls were all waiting in the locker room when you walked in, looks of concern on everyone’s faces. You had quickly texted Alessia to have them meet there and to be quiet so as to not scare your little one. She was sucking her thumb, feeling safe in your arms as you sat in your cubby and the girls came to sit around you. You moved Leah into your lap, rubbing her back softly and slipping her pacifier into her mouth. You saw the looks the girls gave her, looks of adoration filled the room and it soothed all your worries about the mean things a part of you was scared you would hear were out the window.

“Are you okay, Leah? You really made us all worried.” Beth spoke up, Katie and the rest of them nodding softly. She buried her face further into your shirt, shaking her head a little.

“Well, it's out there now but I think you all deserve an explanation. When Leah feels stressed out or overwhelmed, she finds the need to regress to a younger age to cope with the stress. When she does she will seem like a child and needs to be taken care of. That’s where I come in, I’m her caregiver and take care of her when she needs it. I know that it’s a lot to take in but she’s been scared of telling you all because she thought you would be mad at her. I think that being the captain of this team has made her think that she needs to be this strong, level-headed, responsible one but when she’s at home with me she lets go and likes being coddled and given many many kisses, don’t you, gorgeous girl?”

Leah was smiling at this point and not hiding anymore when she heard all the girls cooing at her and saying nice things about her. She didn’t feel scared anymore, she had all these new aunts to play with! “Angel, don’t you have something to say to Aunt Katie?” You asked her in a whisper, her eyes shyly looking over at the Irishwoman. “Sowwy I scawed you Aunty Katie, Lee didn’t mean to, promise!” She said firmly, the girls all simultaneously melting at your girl. "That's alright darlin'. C'mere eh? Give Aunty Katie a good cuddle now." She was safe now, there was nothing every single one of these girls wouldn’t do to protect their precious captain.

You let her sit on the training floor, Viv already in front of her and taking her boots off while Beth brought her slippers over. Lotte was taking pictures of Leah playing with Katie while Alessia sat beside you as you rested your head on her shoulder.

“She feels safe with you. I hope you’ll let us be a safe place for her too.”

“I think she’d love nothing more, Less.”

[babygirlspurgeon]

aka welcome to the minnesota wild as shania twain songs! this is a many months long passion project @alshaverpressbox and i have been pecking away at but here on the eve of a fresh season we are ready to share! 

daemon hunt - man! i feel like a woman!

i bet you’re wondering how this all started….. mr hunt mentioned this was his karaoke song and well, it spiraled into the rest of this. we thank you for your service sir 🫡

wild fans - you’re still the one, i’m holdin’ on to love (to save my life)

love is stored in wildblr ❤️

jon merrill - i ain’t no quitter

is he the best at hockey? no but he is for mullets & gays <3

jake middleton - you win my love, party for two

there's no speed limit/just go faster, faster, don't be slow/rev it up, rev it up 'til your engine blows (please watch this music video with him in mind i beg)

brock faber - rock this country, no one needs to know

i just know he also screams the minnesota mention in rock this country. also was sad to realize months too late how good of a brock for calder song it is

matt boldy - the woman in me (needs the man in you)

i'm not always strong/and sometimes i'm even wrong/but i win when i choose/and i can't stand to lose

joel eriksson ek - honey, i’m home, gonna getcha good, giddy up

most persecuted girl in the world who deserves a good foot rub and a lil snack

marcus foligno - i’m not in the mood (to say no), party for two

ain’t no need to plan it, jump right in and jam it also yes party for two is for both middsy and moose and they’re singing it to spurge. they're cool fun guys who bring the party what more is there to say?

marat khusnutdinov - ain’t no particular way 

welcome to minnesota get loved bitch

marco rossi - up!, i’m jealous 

nice young man who’s persevered with mild antics for his goalie that he’s totally normal about

zach bogosian - you lay a whole lotta love on me

beefcake..... i can feel your body tuggin' gently on my mind/stirring up a feeling i thought i'd never find

jonas brodin - love gets me every time, don't be stupid (you know i love you)

really need to hear “i gol’ darn gone and done it” come out of this man’s mouth Right Now

liam ohgren - wanna get to know you (that good)

don't wanna miss a minute/wanna be right in it/do everything you're doing/go everywhere you're going

marc-andre fleury - legends never die, when you kiss me 

feel very normal about our record setting goalie really really liking us

jesper wallstedt - thank you baby (for makin’ someday come so soon)

he's here........

filip gustavsson - what a way to wanna be!

giving "android in the group chat" giving nobody’s perfect by hannah montana

mats zuccarello - you've got a way

when your hockey soulmate shows up and your career revitalizes.....

ryan hartman - whatever you do! don’t!

hartzy is soooo normal about kirill as we all know

jared spurgeon - any man of mine, from this moment, come on over

i do indeed give my hand you with all my heart.....

declan chisholm - white claw

so when he calls/say fuck it all

freddy gaudreau - i won’t leave you lonely 

soft song..... soft man....

marcus johansson - c’est la vie

hold tight, it comes right eventually

jakub lauko - (if you’re not in it for love) i’m outta here

passing this vibe check with flying colors btw

kirill kaprizov - she’s not just a pretty face, that don’t impress me much

she's got everything it takes, and yeah she thinks you're alright but that won't keep her warm in the middle of the night.... he is That Bitch

nordy - juanita 

nordy save us, save us nordy

billy g - whose bed have your boots been under?

you never know with that bitch...

gone but never forgotten (affectionate and derogatory)

mason shaw - forever and for always

and there ain't no way/i'm letting you go now

charlie coyle and jason zucker - when

zoyle will be reuninted one day right? right????

brandon duhaime and connor dewar - in my car (I’ll be the driver), if it don’t take two

if i'm not with you/no it ain't worth goin' through/if it don't take two

matt dumba - it only hurts when i’m breathing

do i think about dumbs talking about how he and jimmy wanted to be around til the reds came back all the time? perhaps

dean evason - i ain’t going down

her smile got me through the years/dried away the tears/it filled me with hope

pat maroon - is there life after love?

answer: there is not life after love. at least not for patty "chicago" maroon

kevin fiala - nah!

yeah, that's it (that's all), we had fun (we had a ball)/it was good while it lasted, but now i'm past it

parise and suter - ka-ching

dig deeper in your pocket, come on, i know you’ve got it <- them to chuck fletcher

[celuloideycarbono]

Cancellara statements in Vélo d'or award ceremony, about Tadej Pogacar (in Vélo magazine):

"Winning with 2, 3, or 5 minutes is cool once, but it’s not cool when it becomes repetitive. It helps no one, neither him, nor his rivals, nor cycling in general. Winning six stages in the Giro or the Tour is fine; it generates pride, greatness, resonance, and prestige—it goes in that direction, but it can also go the other way. The Vuelta, for example, was much more interesting to follow without him. In the Giro, our daily briefings were based on the idea that the breakaway would make it to the finish. And in the end, it didn’t. Pogacar even immediately reacted one day to an attack from our rider Michael Storer, as if he represented a threat to him. Managing a Grand Tour is about losing as little time as possible, but he operates in the opposite logic. That’s his way of doing things, well...

You don’t need to have friends in the peloton. He is, in a way, the "voice" of the peloton due to his status. But he’s not really in the peloton; he stands out, as if he lives on its margins. He lacks generosity. I come from a cycling world that followed different rules, where winning was important but so was leaving something for others, even if only out of self-interest."

Bardet statements in Vélo d'or award ceremony, about Tadej Pogacar (in Vélo magazine):

"As much as I have numerous exchanges with Remco Evenepoel and Jonas Vingegaard, Tadej Pogacar lives in his own bubble. He is polite, kind—that’s not the issue—but he’s in his own world. With Jonas, we’re both fathers, and he has a discretion similar to mine; we enjoy talking about various things. But I don’t have that kind of relationship with Pogacar because he’s always caught up in the day-to-day dynamic, relishing what he’s doing. Everything seems to roll off him; I’ve never seen him get upset. When we have to race in bad conditions, we complain a bit among ourselves, but it’s as if none of that affects him.

I stand by what I’ve said, but there’s no need to read between the lines. I judge based on my own trajectory, and I’m not casting blame. I will leave this world without bitterness, without resentment, but with the feeling that I’m no longer in tune with it. I reached my peak around the age of 28, and I believe young riders now have a five-year head start on that timeline. My performance levels are the same as in my best years, but I’ve moved down the hierarchy: it’s just that the baseline has become more competitive."

Pogacar statements:

"As a team, we can win even more races, but we’re not looking to take everything; we’re not desperate. Yes, as you said, we need friends in the peloton, but if a whole group is fully committed to you and victory is possible, then it’s your duty to go for it. I’m playful on the bike, but we’re paid to perform, not to add fun to the game. I have to win just like you have to write your article—otherwise, neither of us deserves our salary. Wouldn’t you agree?

I prefer the idea of being a classics rider who wins Grand Tours, even if I started with a victory in the Tour. It’s certainly the stage races that have helped me become who I am in one-day races. I love the classics—they’re pure adrenaline, a one-day shock that has nothing to do with the suffering spread over three weeks. You have to be physically and mentally ready to fight for six hours, often in bad weather, on roads that are always the same and that everyone knows by heart. The decisive move can happen anywhere; you need to be the strongest, the luckiest, the most inspired—everything has to align, and there are no second chances. Since everything is decided in just one day, the emotion of victory is incomparable."

[sicksadlit]

An author stole my book idea

What do you do when someone else publishes your book?

I was scrolling on my phone, browsing a selection of soon-to-be-released books when one in particular caught my eye.

I read the blurb and let out an audible gasp. 

The author stole my book idea. 

This man who I’ve never met, somehow managed to reach inside my brain, pluck out my story idea, write the book I am writing right now, and turn it into a fully fledged novel. He beat me to print, and now the novel I’ve been working on for the last few months is headed for the trash because how can I continue to write a story that has already been written?

It feels like my “life's work” has been stolen, cruelly whipped away from me overnight. The story that has been building and percolating inside me for years, preparing itself to arrive in my brain and out onto the page.

An accurate depiction of me discovering someone else is publishing the book I’m writing

Although, it’s possible that he didn’t actually steal my idea. It’s probable even because he couldn’t have. I don’t even know the guy. The far more likely scenario is that it is just an astonishing coincidence. He happened to have the exact same book idea at the same time as me, but the difference is: he’s a well known, successful, professional crime writer who actually managed to finish the story (and probably did a fantastic job), and I am an unpublished novice writer, who punches out a few hundred words here and there when inspiration strikes.

The best theory as to what has happened is that I have become the victim of a phenomena known as “simultaneous invention”.

Simultaneous invention is the concept that inventions and ideas are conceived independently by different creators, but at the same time.

“Rather than being the products of the individual mind, multiples (aka - simultaneous discoveries) are said to prove that creative ideas are the effects of the zeitgeist, or spirit of the times. At a specific instant in the history of a domain, the time becomes ripe for a given idea. The idea is “in the air” for anyone to pick, making its inception inevitable.” - Dean Keith Simonton, creativity researcher

There are mind-boggling cases of simultaneous invention documented throughout history. Here are some of the most famous instances:

1600s: Isaac Newton and Gottfried Leibniz both discover calculus.

1770s: Carl Wilhelm Scheele and Joseph Priestley discover oxygen.

1800s: Charles Darwin and Alfred Russel Wallace both describe natural selection.

1839: Louis Daguerre and Henry Fox Talbot invent the first photographic methods.

1869: Louis Ducos du Hauron and Charles Cros present the earliest workable methods of colour photography on the same day.

1876: Elisha Gray and Alexander Graham Bell independently, on the same day, filed patents for invention of the telephone.

1879: British physicist-chemist Joseph Swan independently developed an incandescent light bulb at the same time as American inventor Thomas Edison was independently working on his incandescent light bulb.

1950s: Jonas Salk and Albert Bruce Sabin invent the polio vaccine.

2015: Takaaki Kajita and Arthur B. McDonald are jointly awarded the Nobel prize for finding that neutrinos have mass.

It sounds like something from a Blake Crouch novel. The idea that two complete strangers, anywhere in the world could come up with the exact idea at the same time. It would be written off as pure science fiction if it weren’t so thoroughly documented. 

It came for Charles Darwin, it came for Alexander Bell, and now, it has come for me.

Since I’ve had a solid 48 hours to walk around the house moaning in despair, I figure it’s probably time to put my big girl pants on and think about what to do next.

What does one do when someone else publishes the book you were going to write?

If there’s one thing this sad experience has taught me, it’s this: Do not sleep on that creative idea.

I thought I had all the time in the world to write my story. Donna Tartt took 9 years to write The Secret History, after all. Maybe I could take 9 years to write my debut novel too. But modern life and our shared experience may lead to someone else coming to the same conclusions – or ideas – as you have, somewhere in the world. 

This doesn’t just apply to writing. It can happen in any field where creativity and imagination are at play. 

Where does this leave me and my manuscript? I think I’ll hold onto it a little longer before sending it to my computer’s trash bin forever. Even though the original premise and core of the story is no longer viable, perhaps there’s something there worth saving. Maybe a shift in perspective or narrative voice. Could it be a white collar crime thriller instead of a murder? Could I set it in a different era? Could I change the genre? Who knows. Maybe this whole saga is a good thing and will force me to pivot. Now, I’m compelled to look at how I can better improve upon what the story was set to become. 

One of the people in my writer's group said that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If his book sells well, publishers will be frothing to produce more of the same. That said, I’m not sure how I feel about being the runner-up for the prize of cool and interesting story ideas. 

So what’s the solution to this confounding mystery of the human mind? How can you ensure your work remains true and original to you when at any point in time, some random person out in the world might be working on the exact same thing? 

Maybe the answer is to simply try and be the first to launch, and to do your best not to let perfectionism hold you back from getting started. Maybe done is better than perfect. Or, if you instead find yourself in the same boat as me, is there room to move and change your approach? Could you see it as an opportunity to pivot and find a fresh, unexpected angle?

The truth is, I was stuck in a bit of a rut anyway. I fell out of love with the story idea a few weeks back. When I started writing months ago, I kicked off with a hiss and a roar, smashing my daily word count goal and picking up steam until I hit a wall. I didn’t like the characters and writing became a slog. Instead of feeling inspired and excited by the story, I felt bored and disillusioned. It became something I thought I simply had to finish to avoid the “sunk cost fallacy”.

This uncanny coincidence has forced me to open doors to new possibilities with the story that I hadn’t allowed myself to consider before. Now that the original plan has gone out the window, the idea of returning to the old draft feels strangely exciting again. Like anything is possible and the book could go in any direction. 

But I guess you’ll just have to wait and see… Maybe I’ve already said too much.

[b-skarsgard]

Bill Skarsgård in a big interview with MovieZine: "Horror is always best at the cinema"

"Nosferatu" current actor in great interview with Alexander Kardelo - about finding Orlok's look and voice, love for Robert Eggers and a busy 2025.

It is a great pleasure to follow Bill Skarsgård's career, which moves from one exciting collaboration to another. Now the Swede is very current in the title role in "Nosferatu", the hottest thriller of the winter. But the risk is that you won't recognize Bill, who has turned into a 350-year-old vampire count with a taste for blood.

MovieZine exclusively tells us that Daniel Day-Lewis could have played Orlok, and that he himself was initially considered for a completely different role in the film. But years of delays led to something good, and Robert Egger's "Nosferatu" is now ready for release.

We also talk about Bill's other intense roles, from last year's "The Crow" to the upcoming "Lords of War" where he meets Nicolas Cage.

read at the link above or below the cut

translated through google

Last time we talked about you being in "The Northman" but choosing "Clark" instead. But you got to work with Robert Eggers in the end, fun! What was it like stepping into his dark world?

- It has been fantastic. It's a long damn journey. I met him at a meeting in New York right after he had done The Witch. I saw it and thought "who the hell is this, I have to work with this man".

- Our meeting only confirmed even more how much I wanted to work with him. I felt that he speaks to all my interests. He inspires. He is so chill in his integrity, in his creative expression. I felt wow , this guy makes no compromises.

- I was cast in "Nosferatu" when it was to be his second film. I read the script and auditioned, first for the role of Harding, played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson, and then for the role of Thomas Hutter, who is the male romantic lead, played by Nick (Hoult). I got it, and I was so incredibly excited and tickled!

The idea was that Bill Skarsgård and Anya Taylor-Joy would have played the love couple at the center of "Nosferatu". But the project fell apart - Eggers refused to compromise his vision, and made "The Lighthouse" (2019) instead. Skarsgård got a minor role in Egger's third feature film "The Northman" but instead chose to jump on the Swedish miniseries "Clark".

- I felt that I love Robert, but that role could not be compared to the challenge in "Clark". I produced "Clark", it was mine and Jonas (Åkerlund's) baby. I didn't know if Robert would be easily offended and write me off forever... Then "Nosferatu" was going to be his next movie and I heard he chose Nick Hoult for the role that was promised to me - that bastard...!

- But the Harding role then? I think I can do it well. No, he wanted Aaron Taylor-Johnson for it. Both of those actors are really my peers, I've been losing roles to them for a hundred years. They are my competitors. I thought Eggers will never want to work with me again. Thanks and bye, I will survive. But out of nowhere he came to me and offered me Orlok.

It is not the most expected choice. Orlok is a 350 year old, stinking, living dead count. Maybe you're not the first person who comes to mind for the role?

- No, I didn't think so either. I know he was talking about Daniel Day-Lewis, and for a while it was Willem Dafoe who was going to play him, and Mads Mikkelsen... When he came to me years later, it was a shock at first, but then I was very flattered. He can have whoever the hell he wants. Giants, big names... What does Robert see in me that I might not see myself?

- But I know he's a perfectionist, and would never ever cast that role with someone he doesn't think can do it. Because the film is so personal to him. My trial filming process was 10 days back and forth, where he shared his research, as he is known for doing. I got a big folder with details, clothes, what Orlok looks like... I would watch some movies for references. Then we started dating: "What do you think of such and such inspiration?"

Bill Skarsgård is really unrecognizable under layers of all the makeup. It took six hours in the makeup chair, every day, to make him hideous and mysterious. But the biggest challenge was finding Orlok's voice:

- How can I make my voice almost so supernaturally dark? And breathing was damn important. I started recording clips and sending them to him. "Should I go more for Bela Lugosi? Or find someone more nuanced?" It was an intense 10 days of express development for the character. But that led to camera tests, which led to me booking the role.

- Then the film fell apart again. And it took two years before we actually started filming. Then the real work began, Bill remembers.

- I worked with an opera singer to get the technique, to activate the voice and get it as deep as I could. Then followed hundreds of hours of recording yourself, listening, recording yourself... From that I found my method - I knew when the voice was at its best. When I was most relaxed. Then I started to build up my routine. I had a 20-minute vocal warm-up process before every damn take.

It's absolutely incredible, you don't see and you don't hear that it's you.

- I have 600 hours of voice recordings that prove it's my voice, haha.

How did you find the look itself?

- The look was based on: what did a Transylvanian nobleman look like in the 16th century, and what would he look like if he had been dead for 300 years? I read the script for the first time almost 10 years ago. Not much has changed. He has marinated on this film for so long. As you know, he always goes to research and to authenticity, to historical clues, for his creation. That's how it always is. He strives to be as historically authentic as possible.

- I asked Robert at some point: "Will you ever make a contemporary film?" "Never," he said. He will never make a film that is not set in the past.

Did you guys use the old "Nosferatu" as a reference?

- I had already seen the old "Nosferatu" many times before. And Herzog's too, to some extent. But there was absolutely nothing I watched before this one. I think it can be harmful to study what people have done before. Even subconsciously, you can start stealing.

You choose courageous roles and exciting film projects. In 2024 you've released 'Boy Kills World', 'The Crow' and 'Nosferatu', all of which are quite dark and brutal in different ways. Just a coincidence, or are you attracted to such roles?

- For me, it is that the characters attract you, and you yourself attract characters. And then you meet in the middle. For some unfathomable reason, I'm drawn to these characters and they seem to be drawn to me. That year was a little too intense and a little too dark, to make the three films back to back. But I think all three of them deserve it. And if you look at the three films, you see that "Bill does different types of characters anyway", haha.

- I am a completely different person than when I was 16 or 18 years old. But what is it that has always been consistent? Playing as many different roles as possible is something that has been true for me ever since I was young.

"Boy Kills World" went under the radar a bit. And "The Crow" was already criticized in advance. Are you affected by that, how the films are received?

- I notice how "Boy Kills World" has grown on streaming. There were a lot of different reasons: it was an independent film, the marketing didn't have that high of a budget, so that film wasn't launched to do best in theaters in today's climate. Then these films can live on-demand. A bit suspicious, I think. How much have these movies made from home rentals? It is nothing that becomes public. I can almost wonder, because I should have a piece of that cake too…

- But "Boy Kills World" is growing and finding its audience, which is fun. I think that film has its place, says Bill.

- With "The Crow" there was just a wave of negativity already in front. I think that film was a little undeservedly harshly judged without that negativity. The film is not for everyone, and I have a lot of opinions about the result as well. But I see that it runs well on-demand. And I meet fans who say "that movie is really important to me". That movie resonates with people. It is not for everyone. But if you meet someone who says "I loved The Crow", then that's enough for me.

After these three dark roles, what's next for you in 2025?

- It's starting to clear up more and more. Looks like it's going to be a pretty busy year... and a bit dark too, haha.

Is "Lords of War" with Nicolas Cage one of your upcoming projects?

- I'm looking forward to it. It looks like it will be released later in 2025. It is a dark comedy. The character is a bit like Clark... A real self-centered sociopath who is an asshole but also quite fun.

- But next I will work with Gus van Sant. We will start recording in January. It is a very demanding and intensive role. It's something I seem to have stuck with, that the roles become demanding. I'm like that. If it's a tight uphill, then I get motivated to start climbing up. When I feel scared, "I can't do this" - I do it! I don't know how wise it is for my well-being, but there is something masochistic about it that motivates me.

But blockbusters don't seem to attract you, do they? On the other hand, you have appeared in two Marvel movies with "Eternals" and "Deadpool 2"... How is it - were you considered for the role of Lex Luthor in "Superman"?

- No, no one contacted me. It was just media rumours. But just because it's a Hollywood blockbuster... that's not enough to get me going on it. But if I feel that I see a challenge, that I can do something that feels good or that I believe in the project - then it suddenly becomes relevant. If you make a big film, you want to make a Gus van Sant film after that. It's fun to switch tracks like that.

- I hope that "Nosferatu" can become a blockbuster. I think it has the potential to be. It is art house. Extremely artistic, very scary, but it's also very conventional. It's the Dracula story. We know this story. It sits in our spine. It's horror. It's a big release. So in that way, I hope and believe that the film can really find a large audience.

- And horror is always best at the cinema. Not enough of that. It's also one heck of a craft. It's the kind of movie that can't be made anymore. Almost everything is practical effects. It is filmed on film. Every single picture looks like a painting. This is filmmaking of the highest order, and should be seen on the largest screen possible.

[yellow-dejavu]

MARek TannHAus = MARTHA nielsen

SONJA tannhaus = JONAS kahnwald

There is this interpretation that i really like that says that Jonas and Martha are like a reflection of Marek and Sonja. Jonas and Martha only exist because of Marek and Sonja. Even their names create them, Martha can be formed with Marek's full name and Jonas is basically an anagram of Sonja.

I like to think of it as the origin world splitting what was already there and mixing in the pain and vision of the creator (H.G. Tannhaus) to create this anomaly. It's like an exaggeration. It made two worlds that depend on each other to ever happen and erase itself in just a moment of time.

Nielsen Siblings and Marek Tannhaus

The three Nielsen siblings start with an M because of Ulrich's brother (Mads). However, I think that each of them can represent a way in which H.G. Tannhaus saw his son.

Magnus: Something I always noticed about Magnus in season 1 is how protective he is of his mother. He is constantly trying to help her with everything that is going on and trying to be on her side. We get to see that side of Magnus again in Season 3 when we see a different version of the characters at the beginning of the chaos for them. When Ulrich comes to visit, he doesn't want him there the moment Katharina gets home. He also thought Martha was talking nonsense about the end of the world, and he just didn't wanted her bothering their mother with it. When we meet Marek, one of the things he says to his father is, "No wonder Mom couldn't stand it here." Marek is someone who understands his mother's point of view and seems to be on her side most of the time. Just like Magnus.

Martha: I think Martha represents the most misunderstood side. Something we see about Martha is that she stands up for herself when she thinks her parents are being unfair. She usually does this when her parents are too focused on their things and don't pay attention to her wants and needs as their child. In one way or another, it can be seen in both worlds as her father abandoning the family. We also see her more than once having problems with Katharina because she feels ignored by her. It is the same with Marek when he says that his father never saw him. Still, we see that their parents really want to try to connect with them, even if they don't know how. I think the best way to describe it is something Katharina said to Martha in 3x06: "I'm sure i'm the last person you want to talk to, but If you do I'm here. Your dad and I… A lot of things might be different now. But that's not necessarily all bad."

Mikkel: He is the little boy. That's how his parents would always remember him, and they would do anything for him. No matter how much time passes, they would still try to save him even if they can't save themselves. It doesn't matter if they lose their freedom or their lives. Even damning the whole world is an option. Ulrich tried to kill someone and got locked up because he thought he could find his son. Katharina fought until her last breath to reunite her family, while in other world she died holding Mikkel during the apocalypse. Tannhaus split the world in two because he couldn't let go the pain of losing Marek, Sonja and Charlotte. He couldn't accept a world without his family. Like Ulrich and Katharina, Tannhaus also did everything he could to bring his little boy back.

[jerriemofos]

Since its the January transfer window, i'll be talking about players that i would love to see at Arsenal!

Obviously, with the registered players being at the max, it's not realistic for new signings to come in this window. So these are players that i think will massively improve our squad in the summer especially if we do want to make it far in the uwcl and win the wsl!

Also, i would like to make another post about players that i will not be opposed to leaving in the summer to get better players in 🤔 but idt yall are ready for that conversation yet

1) Maëlle Lakrar

Amazing young defender, very attacking minded, fits in the playstyle of how jonas wants our defenders to be

Hard worker, loves to get interceptions in, 1v1 duels to win the ball back (i love defenders like this)

Tactically intelligent, able to get into good positions to intercept players and loves to progress the ball forward to quickly transition into attack

At 170cm, she handles aerial duels well and can be used as a threat in set pieces

Quite pacey and can handle speedy forwards when in transition

A lot of big clubs have already started enquiring about her as her contract ends in 2024, would be a shame if Arsenal lose her to a big rival.

2) Sakina Karchaoui

One of the best left-footed fullbacks in the world right now, very attacking minded defender, which again is how jonas loves our defenders to be

Only 160cm but what she lacks in height, she makes up for in work ethic, loves to be higher up the pitch to get involved in attacks but tracks back well to defend when caught in transition

Loves to get interceptions in, 1v1 duels to win the ball back, often both having a high rate of success

Same as Maëlle, her contract ends in 2024 and the opportunity to get a worldclass fullback on a free should not be missed. She will be a massive upgrade on Arsenal's left-back position.

3) Chiamaka Nnadozie

Goalkeepers are a harder one to judge because you cannot rely on stats, so this analysis is based on eye tests

At 23 years old, one of the best young goalkeepers in the world right now

180cm, an excellent height for a gk

Had an amazing WWC23 run as a starter for Nigeria

Currently, also having an amazing uwcl run with Paris FC

Very impressive aerial abilities for a young keeper (imo can be considered worldclass)

Great outside the box, able to play out from the back effectively

Although at times her decision making can be better, but with the right coaching, she's on her way to be a worldclass gk

Amazing gk for both Paric FC and Nigeria at only 23 years old, why not snatch her up? (if you can't beat her, buy her)

4) Angel Mukasa

21 years old, still needs more experience but at her age, shes phenomenal

No data on her height but from eye tests, probably around 170-180cm

Excellent shot-stopping

Great positioning, never caught out of focus

Her distribution is a stand out trait, amazing at her age

Great composure, doesn't make rash decisions in stress

In the uwcl against barca femení, if it weren't for her, FC Rosengård would've conceded more than 7 goals, she was phenomenal in that game

Not my choice for a starting keeper but would be an excellent 2nd keeper until she gains enough experience to be 1st choice

5) Kerolin Nicoli

NWSL MVP 2023, NWSL Best XI First Team 2023, Runner up for NWSL Golden Boot 2023 (what more can i say 🤷🏽‍♀️ she's a baller)

Lethal in the attacking third, loves 1v1 duels, excellent dribbling

Unselfish player, will pass to a teammate if needed but also loves taking shots at goal too

Right-footed player but is excellent at the left

Versatile player, can play on the left and right (as a winger or midfielder), up top but also as a CM

Not much else to say except that she will be lethal in Arsenal's left hand side. Just imagine Karchaoui, McCabe and Kerolin on our left 😮‍💨

Other players that i will love at Arsenal but too unrealistic:

Naomi Girma

Merle Frohms

Misa Rodriguez

Stina Johannes

Antônia Silva

Jule Brand

Morgan Weaver

Ary Borges

Anyways, if you've actually read the whole thing, thanks! I'm quite disappointed with the lack of movements in this window so i've decided to write it here.

Do you agree with this list? Any other players that you will like to see at Arsenal as well? Lemme know i would love to here you thoughts! (pls refrain from hateful words, if you don't like this list at all. criticism is fine but keep it civil)

[ghost-of-you]

Ima hop in talking to throw my two sense about this major break that’s coming up for 5sos, anonymously as someone who runs a anonymous 5sos confessions blog.

There’s a lot of new people in this fandom who’ve never experienced a 5sos break, and still have trauma from either 1D or other bands who took a break and then disbanded before the reunion. Or are fans of bands who are also in a limbo and are worried about what’s going to happen. (Looking at 1975 fans, I wish the best for yall)

And I’m a mixture of both! I was here for the first break, but drifted into other music genres during it, and kinda forgot about 5sos for a while, but came back within the last 3 years.

Plus for those who were here for the first break - there’s a lot of different factors that add into the uncertainty this time, like Michael becoming a dad!

There’s a lot of feelings being thrown around in the music industry of what happens before/during breaks that adds to what a break means now vs when the first break happened. It’s just… a lot.

Okay, look, I'm nice and I'm understanding but right now I'm gonna sound like a bitch and I don't care. Whatever experience anyone has with any other band doesn't matter. What happened with one direction is different from what is happening with the 1975, that's different from what happened with big time rush, that's different from what happened to why don't we, that's different from what happened to the Jonas brothers, I can keep going but you catch my drift. They are different bands, formed by different people, in different ways, with different believes and way to make music. No one thought backstreet boys were ever gonna come back and they just did a world tour, NSYNC was seen together just last month for the first time in YEARS, bands can take breaks and reform and regroup and move on if they want. I think this expectation that you're owed content all of the time is crazy. Album cycles shouldn't be just month long things. They should be allowed to work on something for longer. They should be allowed to not tour every 6 months. 5sos released 5 album in 10 years. An album every 2 years is a fucking good number. But even if it takes them another 2, 3, 5 years, it's their right as humans to take as much space as they want. I understand why people might be scared, but no one has the right to demand anything from anyone. Maybe Luke and Ashton will release more solo music, maybe they'll go on a tour, maybe Calum will drop a poetry book, maybe we won't see them for 5 years and then they'll announce the announcement of a new song. They can do whatever they want. You can't honestly expect to have access or content or tour at all times. They are grown men with lives and families who worked hard to learn how to exist outside a band they started when they were teenagers.

And yes, Michael is gonna be a father, but one, he's not the first musician ever to have a kid so that doesn't mean anything, but you also can't expect him to not be there for his daughter. Baby girl Clifford should be his priority but in nowhere is stated that you can't be a father and a musician.

And to compare 5sos to one direction is not a fair comparison, one direction was formed in a reality show by people who only wanted to explore them. 5sos were friends first and they are still friends first. Maybe they won't drop an album every year anymore. Maybe they won't make a tour with 101 concerts in less than 8 months. But that doesn't make them any less of a band, it they are doing shorter tours and longer album cycles.

Also, if they break up, they broke up, we can't force them to stay a band.

But I stand by the fact that these men went through quarantine, lost a whole record with calm due to an internal error, dropped their label, their management, both Ashton and Luke released solo albums, with Luke signing a 3 record deal if I'm not mistaken , Michael got signed as a dj and a producer, and they still released a whole album independently that was made the way they wanted. If they were gonna stop being a band they would've done in it in 2020. They're allowed whatever breaks they want or need. They are real humans. And they are not one direction.

But this break they are taking is something that they planned around it, or do you think it's an accident the tour ended just in time for Michael to be back home for the birth of his daughter? This tour wasn't scheduled, they could've not done it. But they chose to do it. But to look at them and accuse of being about to breakup and lying about it because they are taking a break for a very specific and unbelievably valid reason is bullshit.

I don't care about whatever trauma you may have about other bands. What happened to other bands happened to other bands. You can't make a different situation about them because it's never gonna be the same because there's different people involved.

Is their life. Their choice. We're just along for the ride. It's a hell of a good one so far and if this is it so be it. It's their choice.

And honestly, if you're actually this affected by one direction breaking up and this is not just some exaggeration for the bit or a joke, get help.

[psychicreadsgirl]

Hello can you do an ask question for Taehyungs dating life currently? Thank you <3

I'm pretty sure I did his yearly reading generally. You'll have to go through my tags. I did some reading on Jennie, which connects to him too. (This is not for the light hearted so if you can't accept readings that aren't sugar coated then skip this answer)

Generally speaking Taehyung's love life is always pretty dynamic and constantly changing. He's a very busy man with a short attention span. You shouldn't be surprised if he has more than 1 relationship going on; he's not into that forever love commitment stuff. He will put on the perfect partner image for the crowd. (The more perfect and/or publicized a celebrity couple is the more they will break up. Too many cases prove this (re: Hugh Jackman and Deborra-lee, Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner and other famous Youtuber/IG couples). When people exploit or publicize their relationships too much, the relationships become very business like and the love fizzles out. When your relationship becomes the core identity of your brand/business, it will eventually die. You also don't see what happens behind the scenes - you just see happy celeb couple images on IG or tiktok etc.)

I'm still surprised no one has come out to say anything yet about his dating style/stuff but TH is a charmer and is more powerful than others so...

He cares a lot about his image and his wealth so his partner that he shows to the public will definitely be someone that can be shown to the world. Look at Jennie in this case - she is known to be beautiful, doing well in her career, etc. He'll always have that front person that he presents to the outside world and then behind the scenes there are more people that he is casually dating/connecting with. He dates mostly for a purpose, whether it be for fun/inspiration/career advances/money/fame/power/etc. He doesn't date just because he's in love. There's always a motive behind his dating. (The same goes with his friendships. He will not befriend someone because he simply thinks they are interesting. He believes that connection will lead him somewhere or there is something to gain from that connection.)

In love, once that partner's use is over with, then the relationship is over. He is pretty good at ending relationships or letting them fade away. He'll tell them that he is too busy or charm his way through. For partners that are not serious about having a long term relationship then this sort of relationship works well. He likes to tell the partners who are more serious that he will definitely marry them but he is now a top celeb so things have to be kept under the spotlight. He'll also tell them that Jennie is just PR and that they are his true love; if Jennie weren't PR then they wouldn't even have been so public with their relationship.

The best sort of relationship for Taehyung and any partner of his is where they keep the relationship open. If we apply this to Jenni's case let's say, the ideal situation for Taehyung would be that Jennie gets to have the image of being his celeb gf and he gets to have the image of being her celeb bf, they are both free to see others but none of these other partners will ever be known to the public/be made the official partner.

[ill-skillsgard]

What’s your favorite movie/show from a each of the Skarsgards?

Ouuu, well some of these might be obvious, but I'll try not to write a novel about how much I love the Skarsgards in almost everything! Let us start with the king. Our beautiful, perfect, hilarious and talented Bill... AKA the man of my dreams. AKA Horror Daddy. AKA the most gorgeous man who has or ever will exist. This is such a hard choice, but I have to credit his role as Pennywise as what introduced him to me, or rather, what got me HOOKED. Bill cemented himself in the horror genre as a God with this role. Not only that, but both chapters of the film are some of the best horror that has ever been done, period. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for IT. Honorable mentions goes to Villains because Mickey was sooo devastatingly charming and Bill was made for the role. I'd say Castle Rock too but then I might as well list everything he has ever done both big and small because I just love him in everything, always.

Now, onto my sweet baby Valter. Historically, I have rejected anyone's negative opinions about my BEAUTIFUL BOY and will continue to do so until the day I die. Okay, he's a bit of a brat, he's not as well-known as his father or brothers, but he is my 2nd favourite Skarsgard (sometimes in my brain he is number 1.) Valter Odd Skarsgard has this voice that narrates my fantasies, and lips I dream of often. So tall, mmph. So gorgeous! That smile, oh my GOD. My underrated man.

Valter dropped a nuke on me with his role as Faust in Lords of Chaos. This movie means more to me than the fact that Valter is in it. The story itself and the period of metal music in Scandinavia has always been on my radar, and then Valter shows up as my ACTUAL type and ruins me. Do I think Faust is a good guy? No. Do I think that Valter with long black hair, a leather jacket and a bullet belt is the most attractive thing on the face of the earth? Yes. Great film, directed by the legendary Jonas Akerlund... What could be better?

Now, when it comes to Gustaf Skarsgard, I feel like I cannot choose between Merlin and Floki. Both have such chaotic energy. Both were so well-played. Then there's the short film he did with his father, directed by Bill and Landon Liboiron. HE IS A SHAPESHIFTER. So talented. So handsome. Ugh, just ridiculously gifted in the art of acting. But I have to give it to Merlin because I have never wanted to be on an alcoholic wizard before. Would I rewatch Cursed over Vikings? I don't know. Would I watch a standalone series of Merlin? YES. Would I watch a standalone series about Floki? ALSO YEAH. Tough decisions here. Ahhh, give me that silly wizard man. I want him! Cursed was great and they were wrong to cancel it!

Then of course, there's Alexander. A Golden God. As talented as he is attractive. This one is very hard because he's been in a lot of really good shows and films that I love. I wanted to pick his role in Zoolander because I think it's one of the best comedy bits I have ever seen (ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINOS) but I can't do him like that. I think I would have to go with Randall Flagg in The Stand, not only because it's another Stephen King adaptation with another Skarsgard, but because he annhilated that role and looked so damn good doing it. And also BEARD (idc if it's fake, he looks great.)

Now, Papa Skars is a TOUGH one to pick, but I have to go with Dune. Idk if it's because of Stellan that his boys can play evil pricks so well, but the Baron is like next level shit. He is so talented. I went over half my life not even realizing he's been in so many movies I've watched. But in recent times, since the Skarsgards have been on my radar, Dune knocked it outtttt and Stellan was a huge part of that. Thank you Papa Skars, for helping create your beautiful sons and unleashing them upon the world.

This could have been a lot shorter but oh well. My mens deserve all the shout outs. Thanks for asking! ❤️