#the bane of everyone who knows english but speaks other languages it seems

[sisterdivinium]

Finally got to sit down to listen to the recent interview with Alba, which was very enjoyable (she's such a mood when it comes to social media, lol). It does make you wonder at what point, exactly, Netflix decided to tank the show if there was even backstage meddling as far as pressure to "make what will sell" goes...

[thanksjro]

Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee ���I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

[kazledazzel]

“Are you ready?” - Kitty (ask from @lucian-evander)

It was Rafael Lightwood Bane’s birthday, and Ty couldn’t understand why he was so nervous. He had done all he could to prepare. He had double checked everything. Nothing could have gone wrong. Tavvy, who was now nine years old and apparently responsible, had been given the task of making sure they remembered the present and card. Dru had written the card, making sure to include all their names (Ty, Dru and Tavvy) and had wrapped the present with coloured wrapping paper. Jules and Emma would be bringing a separate present, as would Helen, Aline, and baby Andrea. Ty was dressed in what seemed to be a suitable outfit; not too casual but no more formal than needed for a seven year olds birthday. Still, the root of his nerves was not something that could be fixed with good preparation. It still didn’t change the fact that he would be there.

Christopher Herondale would always be Kit to Ty Blackthorn. The two had built an unlikely friendship years ago, and for the first time since Ty had tried to raise Livvy and Kit had disappeared to England. The time in between had been like a limbo of going from weeks of not talking to long detailed letters. It took months for them to even send a postcard. It wasn't until Livvy had insisted Ty write Kit that they'd had any form of communication. At the time, Tiberius hadn't even know what he'd say to Kit. "Hello, I know we haven't spoken since I attempted necromancy and you confessed your love for me, but how's England? What's the weather like? Oh, by the way, I think I might love you back, but how are your parents?"

"It will be fine, Ty-Ty," Livvy said reassuringly as the Blackthorns recovered from the rush that came with portal travel and walked up the steps to Magnus and Alec’s loft. Even as a ghost, she could read Ty’s emotions without failure. She walked alongside Ty, though he was the only one that could see her. She seemed to float beside him, looking eerily beautiful in her white dress. She still looked fifteen, though if she hadn’t died she’d be seventeen. Ty would have been taller than her, except ghost Livvy found it funny to float just a few inches taller than him.

Ty didn’t reply to Livvy. The rest of his family couldn’t see her, and he wasn’t in the mood to alarm them. Tavvy skipped up the steps happily between Emma and Julian, looking smug with the present in his hands. Dru held back a little to stay beside Ty. Helen and Aline were still downstairs and in the process of calming their baby girl. Andrea, at nine months old, was not a fan of portal travel.

Magnus opened the door before the family even knocked. He beamed at them, playing the role of the party host very well. Ty hadn’t been surprised to hear that Magnus was throwing a birthday extravaganza for his seven year old. He had once heard a story of Magnus throwing a party for his cat, so one hoped that he loved his son as much.

It seemed he did, because as soon as he greeted the family he turned so that Ty could see the inside of the apartment. It looked as though a toy store had exploded inside of Magnus’ apartment. The ceiling had been magically raised so that a trampoline could fit inside, and Ty could have sworn he saw Isabelle Lightwood helping Max Lightwood Bane onto a pony.

Emma made a beeline for Jem and Mina while Tavvy raced to find the birthday boy.

“Don’t eat all of the chocolate or you’ll be sick!” Julian called, but Ty wasn’t sure if his call was directed at Emma or Tavvy. Dru entered the party and immediately found Kieran and Mark. Ty held back and Julian, being Julian, noticed.

“It’s okay, Ty,” Julian murmured so that none of the party guests would hear. Ty had told Julian about Kit eventually, and Jules had been more understanding that Ty had ever thought. Who knew Julian knew anything about love? “If it makes you feel any better, you don’t have to talk to him. I’m sure he’ll manage to keep occupied,”

“No, it’s okay,” Ty replied, shaking his head. He wanted to talk to Kit, no matter how much it scared him. He needed to talk to him after so long. He needed to know that there was still hope for them to have some sort of relationship, have it be romantic or simply as penpals. He just knew that his life was better with Kit in it. “I want to talk to him,”

Julian smiled. “Are you ready?”

“Yes,”

They entered the party.

It wasn’t like in the mundane movies, when the whole world seemed to go into slow-motion as the two love interests re-united after so long apart. In fact, it took Ty a minute or so to even spot Kit in the crowd of people. When he did, Kit wasn’t even looking at him.

Ty spotted him, standing by the snacks table and talking to Jace. Ty’s mouth went try, and for a moment Ty couldn’t remember a single word in the English language. Kit was laughing, his blue eyes like the pacific ocean. His hair was gold and he had somehow maintained a tan despite living in England. To Ty’s surprise, he was nearly as tall as Jace. He had gotten more muscular too, and there were marks on his arms.

Huh, Ty thought. So Watson decided to become a shadowhunter afterall.

Then they made eye contact, and Ty was pretty sure fireworks went off from inside him.

Jace was looking in between the two. He glanced at Kit, then at Ty, then back and forth a few times as if he were double checking what he was seeing. Then he smirked, whispered soemthing to Kit, and left to talk to his Parabatai. Kit was blushing.

Ty took a deep breath. He was going to be the one to make the first move. He walked over to Kit, overthinking every step, and stopped in front of him.

“Hi,” Ty said, trying to keep his voice from jumping up an octave. That was always a good place to start. Kit was looking at him as if his hair was on fire. Ty wondered if he’d ever say hello back.

“Hey,” Kit replied, and his obvious attempt to be cool could have made Ty laugh. It didn’t help that Livvy was floating behind Kit, giving Ty a grin and a thumbs up.

“Look Ty, I-,”

“You don’t have to apologise, Watson,” Ty interrupted. Then he realised he’d slipped up. He quickly worried that Kit wouldn’t appreciate Ty using his old nickname, or if he’d even remember their inside jokes. Then Kit gave a smile. It was a little weary and a slightly confused smile, but it was still a smile that gave Ty butterflies not in his hands but in his heart.

“I think I need to,” Kit said softly. Ty wasn’t the biggest lover of physical affection, but at that moment he would have loved to have reached out to Kit and put his arms around him. Out of respect for Kit’s comfort and personal space, he controlled himself and stayed put.

“No, Kit, really,” Ty insisted. “I get why you left. Everything with Livvy, and- I think I understand now,”

“That’s not what I need to apologise for,” Kit continued. Ty frowned a little. From behind Kit, Livvy was doing a poor job at pretending she wasn’t listening. “I- I said that I wished I’d never known you. That’s not true-,”

“Kit honestly it’s fine-,”

“No Ty, it’s not,” Kit’s voice was low. It was lower in a serious way, making Ty a little nervous. “Knowing you... I’m glad I know you, Tiberius Blackthorn,”

“Kit..,” Ty started, but the words died in his mouth. The he heard Magnus start to call everyone to gather around for the cake, and he panicked, worrying his chance to talk to Kit would be gone. Kit started to turn away.

Screw it, Ty thought. He took Kit’s wrist and turned him back around. No one would be watching; they would all be too distracted with singing happy birthday to Rafe.

Kit turned around and he and Ty collided. Ty had pulled him back around with the intention of speaking to him, but this was okay too.

There was only an inch or so height difference between them, and Ty was now discovering that this was the perfect height for kissing. They seemed to fit with each other in a way Ty didn’t know possible. He had seen how Helen and Aline were with each other, and Emma and Julian. He saw how in love they were and how the seemed so smitten for one another. He had wondered what that had felt like. He never imagined wanting to kiss someone. It had never been an urge. Not until now.

Luckily, Kit didn’t pull away. He kissed back with just as much power, making Ty shiver. What could have been a millisecond or a decade later, they pulled apart. Kit’s lips were as red as his cheeks.

“Ty-,”

“Does this mean we can still talk?” Ty blurted out, so quickly he was surprised that Kit understood. “I don’t ever want to not be talking again,”

Kit made a noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a breathe of relief.

“Oh, Sherlock,” he said, smirking like a true Herondale. “We are never not talking again,”

[midas-or-khaos]

Spirit, Chapter 3

“...Say what?” She must be joking, Bill was not becoming some glorified pet, no matter how nice Buttercup was. Ekashi’s parents looked to be on the same wavelength, the tattooed shape around his mother’s mouth that resembled a permeant smile managing to match her disappointment. The kids with sour pouts just looked like they ‘wanted one’. Fucking great. Catch 22. Upset the whole family, what a surprise. At least Grandma intervened.

“Daughter, don’t worry yourself, your son will be fine. All of you carry on, enjoy your food, relax, we will deal with this. Aiya, stop pouting, a spirit is not a dog, you can’t ‘have him’.”

Bill appreciated the lack of focus on himself as all went back to what they were doing, if slightly slowly. The gaze of the eager teens still weighing in every now and then, Aiya especially.

“Ekashiba, take a look at the back of your hands. You should have the symbol of the earth.”

Taking a look at the hand holding him, more black strips peaking out from the curved round the blind spot he hadn’t noticed in his observations when looking up. This pensioner wasn’t lying huh? How’d she know all this?

Looking up, poor ol Butters was on the same wavelength as him. Lost.

“Grandma, how do you know all this? I mean, I know you were a priestess in the past at that huge shrine in the mainland, but last I heard, that was when you still practiced shamanism.”

“I know all this because it’s happened to me before when I was young. It’s a rare occurance, but sometimes the Kamuy see the plights of humanity and decides to intervene themselves. It’s why I converted in the first place.”

Non of that made any real sense.New religion, new name, nothing he knew anything about. All except the word Kamuy.

“Oi, wait a minute, what are you talking about? Are we in Japan?”

Both adults looked down.

“What’s kyapan?”

How could they not know the country they lived in? Were names not translating over properly, like when Ekashi couldn’t say buttercup? Or were these some extremely isolated people like the Mormons or something? But even the Mormons knew about modern technology, these people knew nothing. They weren’t a tribe in the middle of Amazon, they were in JAPAN! The most technologically advanced countries in the world!

The patronising slowness couldn’t quite keep out, “Japan as in, the country we’re in, y’now? Tokyo, Nara, Hiroshima? Any of this sound familiar?”

A lacking level of understanding was shared between the equally furrowed brows. Grandma wasn’t impressed though, giving a supreme side eye that could best his own mum’s, that spoke ‘more shit is coming out your mouth than your arse and that isn’t a good thing’. To top it off, she also spoke with the same hint of sass. Oops.

“Is that what you call this land? Then no, we aren’t in ‘Kyapan’, as you say. We’re in Shikotsu.”

Shikotsu? Where the hell was that?! That didn’t sound like any country he knew, was he even on earth!

Grandma was paused for thought, spite trailing out and softening the creases of her wrinkles in favour of curiosity. At the very least he didn’t have to worry about her holding grudges, a small blessing,

“I’m curious. If you don’t speak our language, where are you from?”

“England, Manchester. I just moved down south to learn how to illustrate books.”

Another pause.

“Child, where do you think Shikotsu is?”

She couldn’t possibly be hinting at... could she be right?

“On the continent of Asia? Maybe North America at a real stretch” Ekashi let loose a small gasp. No way.

“Spirit, this is... I think you may have come from another world.”

Breath stopping coming in, the bitterness of carbon dioxide building in his lungs and biting at his throat couldn’t bring his mind to focus. It all felt so clear now, the veil lifted. Somewhere in this haze of madness, his mind had unwittingly tricked him into believing all this was a fever dream he could escape from. That there was an exit. The signs were right there all along but he’d refused to understand. This wasn’t as simple as being in a foreign country. This was another world.

Why... no-

What is this absolute Bullshit?

“ROOSTER!”

“CHRIST!” He couldn't hear.

“Breath, Rooster.”

Rumbled Ekashiba, calloused, warm thumbs rubbed at shaking shoulders. Breathe. He could breathe. All this anxiety was getting on his nerves, he was never like this before, and being needy was the bane of his life.

“I’m sorry, I overreacted. All I seem to be is a panicky, freezing deadweight.” Both hands came round in a living blanket, leathery skin sinking to fit his form in this odd ‘hug’. It should’ve been repulsive, physical touch often being the biggest cause of overstimulation for himself when so riled up, and yet he couldn’t help but relax again like before. This must’ve been a ‘spirit’ thing. It was so wrong, but so right, a nasty juxtaposition messing with his head.

Thankfully Grandma spoke up, “It is to be expected, you have gone beyond what you ever knew possible.”

Plucked up, Bill found himself flopped down on familiarly patterned wool. The hands retreated, and came back with a ladle of some kind of stew. The scent of unfamiliar ingredients sent his mind buzzing with a hunger he’d all but forgotten, helping to sweep aside all negativity. Too much adrenaline in such a short space of time, along with sickness and sleep left the boy all too busy to think of food.

“We can talk later, child. For now, you must eat.”

That was all she had to say.

Eating was a mostly silent affair on his end, with recognisable comments passing over rarely as the family talked about whatever. It was nice to at last be out of sight and able to just be himself In his mind alone. All that staring had been down right creepy and near predatory from some of the youngest. Ekashi wasn’t letting him go just yet, placing the worn out youth in his lap as he too ate and talked overhead. It was like eating on a parachute sized hammock, and honestly the whole fiasco of it was an Olympic sport. So it was no wonder as he finished the last piece of whatever root vegetable that was, that he just collapsed on the stretched fabric and drifted along consciousness.

A prod at his side. Ughhhhhhhh.

“No no, it’s too early to sleep. You slept till noon when you were ill and now you’re better. You must stay awake until the sun comes down or you will not sleep tonight.”

Buttercup, why must you do this? The boy was sure this giant was nice a moment ago.

“Hurry up, sun.” Came the belligerent reply.

A chuckle for his troubles.

“The sun will set when it’s ready. Till then there is more to do. Firstly, getting you some proper clothing while I go tend to the dogs.”

That was about as much fun as doing a french speaking exam with an actual french person. Buttercup’s mum had reluctantly taken to measuring the child, whilst his dad acted as a helping hand, sourcing fabrics from around their expansive fire pit (must've been a general utility room then). Admittedly it started out awkward, but the whole encounter wasn’t wasted being silent, oh no. Grandma and Akiko(who’s name he kept forgetting ) took It upon themselves to take this chance to start teaching some basic words, clothing items finally getting names. Turns out he knew jack shit about textiles (though from his D grade in year 7, it was hardly surprising). The Attush, which was the main robe everyone wore, wasn’t made of wool. It was made of nettles, and lined with deer or bear fur for warmth. Then the sleeveless jacket was called a Jin...baooooriii? Sounded right. Anyway, that was made of cotton. That piece of clothing, and the jewellery wasn’t worn often. Turned out as Bill was told to T-pose and be a mannequin, The story of his discovery from their perspective came up Akiko was happy to tell the story to help get her mind off the fact that she was dealing with him (or that’s what it certainly felt like, though it wasn’t a lie that he wasn’t enjoying being touched by unfamiliar tree trunk fingers, so fairs fair) and let Grandma translate. Turned out that they’d just come back from a festival for the god mentioned earlier when they heard him shouting.

After all this, the least he could do was try and make a good impression to the mum so she’d lessen her upturned lips and the two could finally be manageable around each other.

“Is there anything I can do to help? I feel kind of useless here while everyone is helping out-”

A waving, bony hand silenced him.

“You will help in time, don’t worry. But for this there’s no tools your size, so we will do it. Just carry on learning our language for a start.”

Damn it, there had to be something he could do other than stand there like some wallflower. Couldn’t help, couldn’t sleep, and damn it he hated languages with a fierce passion. It’s hard enough remembering English words half the time, let alone getting them muddled up with something new. Plus it never made sense, any of it. The rules to language are constantly broken, and then the need for female and male pronouns on furniture and other inmate objects? He was a fish and language was a bird flying right the fuck over his head... he never was one for good metaphors.

“Alright, I’ll give it a go.”

“Perfect.”

It was 3 more hours before anything could be put away, and if boy didn’t have arms like Beyonce then this was all for nothing, ‘cause the fatigued ache had made it that he couldn’t even raise a hand. On a brighter note, a small understanding on pronouns was squeezed out.

“Alright, we’re done. Go take your clothes and find Ekashiba.”

“Why am I gonna find Ekashiba?”

“To help show you how to put all of clothes on.”

Oh come on, he’s 19, he knows how to get dressed! It’s a robe, not Fort Knox. Fuck sake.

“...where is he?”

“Just through that passage on your right. Try and stay by the walls, less chance of getting stood on.”

“See you soon.”

Following the walls was nothing new. Any time spent in middle school with 12 year olds who had a cross between Sisyphus’ boulder and a boxer’s right hook for a backpack would teach you how to stick close to solid safety. Bill had spent 5 years in that shithole. Took awhile, wasn’t any need to rush, just follow the sound of dog chuffs and wagging tails thumping the floor. Maybe he could find a nook to get changed in?

A familiar droopy firebrick-red face popped his face round the corner of the wide corridor. Doge was back! Yeah, maybe he could get the dog to hide him.

“Hey boy, come heeeeerrrrreeeeee.”

Trotting over, the lion maned good boy bent down and licked happily at the familiar sight of Bill, and all that licking, whilst gross, was ticklish and friendly.

“Geh! Sssstttooooppppppp ehehehhehe. You’re too much!”

“Well, looks like Poro has taken a liking to you. She must see you as one of her pups.” Buttercup stood at the exit, looking down and smirking impishly while letting Bill get loved on, making no move to stop it.

Doge was a she. Of course he got that wrong; hard to tell who’s what when their body has enough hair to make a rug.

“Oh. well, all the same stop Girl.”

“Poro, come here.”

At last, sweet freedom! Sweet, messy freedom

“Thanks for the impromptu bath Poro.”

Gruff

“I’ll give you a bowl of water to wash.” Ha! Sympathy is a bitch.

Despite the cheekiness, Ekashi seems to mean well. He realises more than the others that Bill is more an adult than the family give credit for and leaves the boy to do as he wishes while he grooms the dogs. Given the opportunity, the lukewarm bath sesh dragged out, head resting on the rim of the bowl and a review of the day reeling behind the doors to his mind. He’s tiny, check, he’s never gonna be Bear Grills, check and he’s now in one way or another attached to a giant from another world. Check...shit. Obviously it must’ve been the gods if grandma had seen all this before. Why though? What did a uni student from Manchester have in terms of use? He was tiny, had no skills for survival, fighting or cooking, he didn’t know anything about this world; what use was a painting degree and two A levels in mythology and acting?

It’s an hour later of mulling that the boy actually brings it up.

“Ekashi, what is the festival you went to about?”

The man paused in his workings, but didn’t turn round.

“The festival is meant to celebrate the beginning of the world. When from chaos, the elements of the world came about: earth, water, fire and air. Together they came, and the world was born from their clashing and fighting, which broke them apart into infinite pieces, which became the all that exists in the world. The rivers, the grass, all of it.”

“Your Grandma mentioned the Kamuy sent me.”

Ekashi froze, back tensed. Bill fell silent, feeling he’d hit something he shouldn’t.

“...During the festival, there is a chance for prayer. We give offerings and can ask for assistance of give thanks.”

This was beginning to feel a lot like not his business.

“...what did you ask.”

“I asked for guidance.”

He was dodging the answer. Bill was always so bad at reading people, but this didn’t need facial expressions or tones of voice. This felt... apart of him.

“...And?”

“...And a chance for something new.”

[thebiasrekkers]

No Words - Interlude

Pairing: Taehyung x OC

Type: Interlude [Flashback]

Genre: Idol, Poly, Interracial, Tall Female, Smut, Angst, Fluff [if you squint]

Warning: None.

A/N - Felt the need to roll back before moving forward. So, you’ll get two releases this weekend! This is the first two of 5, Thank you for reading this mess of a story!

Words:  3712

---

2 Years Ago.

Lucky.

You couldn’t have asked for a situation to be luckier.  Her heartbeat could have doubled as a production drum track. One of her classmates, another girl from the inner city, looked bored as they sat in the auditorium. They both wanted to make music, good music - exciting music. They wanted to be at the forefront of technology and techniques for producing. They wanted the keys to the kingdom of hit songs.

The college decided that they could only get that experience - by working with the best of the best. They had invited a range of performers to come and discuss their methodology. Each had a formula that worked for them. Each performer had a story to connect to their songs. It wasn’t about the number one hit, it was about making honest music. About being true to themselves in the best way they can. Especially in an industry, and a country, that didn’t always accept differences.

She had been listening to various music styles, genres, and languages from a young age. It started in Jr. High, taking Spanish in 7th grade. She followed that throughout her High School time. She’s not embarrassed to say that Ricky Martin was apart of her foray into the Latin sounds. She listened to older songs, love songs, the music, and the story enthralled her.

Japanese animation spurred her love for J-Rock and J-Pop. X-Japan dragged her into the world, Dir en Grey kept her attention. She was in love with Visual Kei. Old rock, alternative rock, a smidge of country, and anything with a beat that caused her to lean her head toward it. She was an audiophile, plain, and simple.

Lead by a thin thread of melody until she had to devour the whole discography of an artist. She wanted to know all the ins and outs of the industry. Granted, there were other worthwhile fields to explore, so she was told. There was almost an expectation of finding easy money in business or even medical fields. She wrote poetry and song lyrics as long as she could remember. Music had been apart of the highs and lows of her life. She could associate a song for every pivotal moment of her life. The playlist spanned generations and the globe. It started when someone introduced her to Super Junior. Then it spiraled into 2NE1, Shinhwa, and the list went on and on.

She was so thankful her family didn’t try to limit her. Her parents expected her to be open-minded to the world around her. It was something instilled in her upbringing. That open-minded was the bane of her existence during her high school years, unfortunately. In a place where anything different made you strange or weird. She didn’t care for the urban selections that most of her friends were into.

There were times when her father put on his old school albums that she felt a connection. She wanted the story of music. She wanted the lyrics to strike her heart. That’s what she wanted in her music. She tried to write music, make music like that. All the artists she admired took chances, grew, and came back with something new.

And now?

She was sitting in an auditorium waiting for the most significant thing in music to come speak to their group.

She had a plethora of questions, worries, and fears. Everyone on the planet had heard about BTS at this point. There were a few of them who had managed to jump on the train early. Especially finding that they were working with legends in the rap community. Some watched expecting a spectacle - and to a degree? It was a spectacle.

Some wanted to see the thinking process of pinnacles of music that filled many a block party or high school dance. Let’s not forget backyard BBQs and family gatherings. Songs that whether you cared for the genre or not? Still managed to cause your body to move.

An elbow dug into her side as her friend stared wide-eyed at the line of men entering the auditorium. They were all seated semi-circle on the stage. BTS stood in front as the students clapped.

The boys had soft, quiet, smiles waving as RM straightened with a smooth phrase. It was almost military in precision as they saluted, bowed, and introduced themselves. They each took a moment to say hello in English at that. She tilted her head as they spoke.

It’s always a treat to hear a singer’s speaking voice. Some sharply contrasted their sounds. Others were no different from one to the other. She enjoyed the vocal textures, rich, or light tones as they spoke. Her friend saw her grinning like an idiot as her eyes rolled.

“Girl, get yourself together!” Tasha finally whispered to her. There was a thick swallow as she realized what she’d been doing. The boys were provided seats and microphones. They were treated to an acoustic version of one of their songs. To see the look of shock on the other student’s faces was an absolute treat.

She could only smile as time seemed to zip by. Filled with questions and curiosities. She asked all the questions she could. Always sure to ask for clarification, examples, and advice. RM was ready with a smooth, dimpled smile as he translated.

They all had solos under their belts at this time. So it was interesting to hear their thought processes. They all had one thing in common, though. The need to tell a story and convey emotion. To make sure that those who heard their music heard a message. It had been the most successful tactic thus far.

“So that ends our time. Everyone lets give BTS a round of applause!” The professor stood, the students followed. The boys bowed again and joined in the applause. They all gathered to shake hands, thanking them for taking time out of their grueling schedule.

RM raises his hands, spreading them wide. “Thank you for your time! We’ll see you tonight!” Everyone stared blankly at him, then their professor, who smiled widely. “Oh, I forgot to mention. We have permission to go backstage and watch operations for a tour.” To say that the sound that rose from the sudden silence was almost choral? It echoed off the walls as hands shook vigorously, shoulders were clapped - and the excitement caused tears.

“Alright, let’s get a picture!” The professor tried to get them all to find a spot. She managed to shake hands with most of the boys. Before she got a chance to shake Taehyung’s hand, they were being herded for a photo. She wound up, almost stepping on his foot as she tried to find a comfortable position. She wanted to shrink into nothingness. There was a bit of jostling before they used the bleachers to get them higher. She remembered one of the first words of Korean she’d learned. An apologetic smile as she mumbled an apology. Tae gave that infamous boxy smile with a wave of his hand. Tasha pulled her close as they sat on the bleachers smiling as the picture was taken. “Alright, you guys, meet back here in an hour - we’ll get shuttled to the stadium. Make sure you have your IDs..” The professor went on about etiquette, decorum, and rules. Nobody was listening - there was too much of a buzz about the show. They dispersed, waving the band members off. She bit into the bottom of her lip as they disappeared.

“Oh. My. God!” Tasha grabbed her and spun around. They laughed as she eyed her friend.

“Wait a minute, you were unimpressed just about an hour ago.” Tasha’s brow shot up with a devious grin.

“Girl, we get to go behind the scenes of the hottest tour yet! I may not understand anything - but I’m happy for the opportunity.” Tasha laughed as she tapped the base of a high ponytail. She pursed her lips, swinging its length. “Honey, that RM, though?” Ah, how many times had she heard that?

“Come on, I have to make sure you don’t embarrass me,” Tasha smirked, yanking her by the arm.

“W-what? That’s mean, Tasha!” She frowned slightly as the other woman rolled her eyes.

“It’s the truth.” She quipped as they hurried across the campus to her dorm.

“We’re going backstage, there’s nothing to dress for.” She kept the frown on her face Tasha bouldered into her apartment and pulled her in.

“Hush! Shower, now!” Tasha was taking no excuses as she pointed to the bathroom.

She grunted, rolling her eyes trudging to the bathroom.

Tasha respected her need to stay ‘practical’ about everything. She preferred oversized shirts, nearly formless skirts, and pants. Her friend wasn’t about that tonight. Tasha stuck her in a pair of jeans, a button-down shirt slightly tucked. She wore a pair of ankle boots accented with a silver chain. And by the time Tasha finished with her makeup? She hardly recognized herself.

“T-Tasha, I think you went a little overboard?” Her friend had just finished her own face. The subtle smokey eye with lower-liner really made her eyes pop! Tasha smirked as she grabbed their bags and pushed her out of the door.

“You’re not used to wearing makeup. Of course, you’d think it was too much.” The other woman rolled her eyes as they sprinted back to the meetup spot with minutes to spare. They all clambered on the shuttle.

All of a sudden, they were there. This was real.

They were walked through the various crew hiding spots. The makeshift dressing spaces underneath the stage. Everything was centrally located for the ease of the members.  The head PD was showing the group the setups, the chasers, and they finally arrived in ‘Monitor World.’ The place that was basically production HQ.

Some took notes, some lingered in the back looking around. Not her, no. She wanted to know what buttons did what. She wanted to know how they were sure that the upper-level fans could hear appropriately.

There were a few people with her curious about various other things. They could hear the crowd until they queued the chase pattern for the opening song. The boys rose from a floor lift. The group went wild as they started in on Blood, Sweat & Tears.

Walkie talkies were going off left and right. Every time something could possibly go wrong? It was pointed out, corrected, and communicated. It was a tight run ship. They moved along to the area under the stage, just as the boys were lowered for a set and costume change.

They were breathing heavy, sweating, and peeling their costumes off. There were people on the sides taking them, ushering them into the makeshift spaces. The students stayed back out of the way. The transition was so fast the students couldn’t help but stare wide-eyed. They made it back to the control hub.

As if to make sure they were paying attention? The Head PD asked them to point out what they remembered. Tasha nudged her with a thumbs up. You got this, she mouthed. Everyone shifted on their feet as they fought to not being first.

She straightened her posture as she stepped forward. “I’d like to give it a try.” The Head PD double-blinked as stood next to him. Ah, it was probably her height. She offered a gentle smile and nod, “If that’s ok?”

“Please do. The routine is the same as before.” He smiled with his walkie talkie in hand. She took a deep breath, stepping closer to the operators at the panel. A headset sat on her head as the plethora of voices filled her ear.

The Head PD let them know that a student was making the calls, but he was overseeing. Two more students joined the panel board, the techs looking over their shoulders and pointing out controls.

She counted them down for each new element.

The lights went dark as the chase pattern activated. They could do this - she could do this.

45 very long minutes later?

“Holy fuck, you did it?!” Tasha grabbed her in a frantic hug. “Y-you really fucking did it! I was scared shitless, man!” Her mind was still hazy over what just occurred. Tasha looped their arms together as the concert sailed to a close. They stood in the back eyes trained to the fireworks display above them.

“I thought I was going to vomit.” She admitted quietly. Tasha moved rainbow-colored braids from her face.

“You should be proud of yourself.” They shared a smile as the professor rounded them up again. They followed the road crew as the stage was broken down. The last fans had long gone, and they were all alone again. The trucks, vans, and equipment checked and secured. She had followed the equipment with a few other students. They watched the breakdown and helped to carry pieces to be stored. There were, of course, a few quips of concern as she hauled a miniature subwoofer to the van.

She politely reinforced her ability to contribute and promptly turned with the item in hand. She rolled up her sleeves, forearms contracting as she moved along the corridor. Ah, why did she let Tasha try to doll her up? The familiar burn in her muscles ebbed away as she handed the equipment to the technical director. She was at home when she could tomboy her way through situations.

She offered a bow turning to make her way back to the main group. A moment too long of watching everything around her left her in an area she didn’t recognize. A frown as she spun in a circle taking the next left turn under the created passageways - and she slammed into something.

“Ah!” A voice, male exclaimed as she staggered backward.

She stumbled, and that someone, thankfully, pulled her arm hard to keep her from landing on her rump. She sucked in a breath as her gaze lifted. “Shit! I’m sorry! I wasn’t watching where I was-” A grunt rumbled through the air as her eyes went wide. “Oh.”

Kim Taehyung was plucking the final buttons from his shirt. His gaze lowered to the floor as he fought off exhaustion. They had to get changed to meet up on the stage again. It took him a little longer to get the cramps out of his legs. He barely made out a shadow before his body collided with it.

He saw her bounce from foot to foot before he pulled her arm. He heard the remorse in her voice as she rambled. His brow furrowed as she spoke too quick for him to pick out words. He still had his fingers wrapped around her forearm as she looked up at him.

She smelled … magnificent. His lashes lowered, nostrils flaring, on an inhale. She watched the perfect heart shape of his mouth part softly. She lowered her gaze to the expanse of flesh in her face. He was one button away from a cheesy romance novel cover.

They stood in silence, trading body heat before she glanced at the long fingers burning into her skin. Their gazes locked again, “You should be more careful.” He rumbled softly. Her lip caught between her teeth as she nodded rapidly.

“R-right. I’m sorry. Thank you.” She coughed softly, stepping away from him. His fingers still lingered until they loosened. Her eyes were wide as she turned on her heel, trying to get back out to the main walkway without that hint of desperation in her steps.

Tasha came rounding the corner at that very moment. “Hey! They’re waiting on us on stage for a final picture. Come on! I’m not missing this because of you.” Her friend yanked her along with a stupid grin on her face.

“Tae, Hyung, come on!” Jeongguk showed up as Tae went in the opposite direction. The maknae let him in their makeshift space. He helped Tae peel out of a sweaty costume. “I can’t wait to get some food and a beer.” Tae shrugged on a turtle neck, an oversized sweatshirt, and black slacks.

“That makes two of us.” The visual croaked tiredly. “Come on, then.” Jeongguk gave that bunny-like smile as he dragged Tae toward the stage. Tae sulked, “What are you doing?”

Jeongguk’s brow shot up as they walked into the wings. “We have to take a picture with the class from earlier!” Tae rolled his eyes as he was dragged out. They made it in time for Namjoon to address everyone.

“It’s been an absolute pleasure to meet you all. Good luck in the future. Please wish us well - and maybe? We’ll see you backstage with us someday!” There was a round of applause as everybody tried to find a spot to fit in the picture. Tasha winked as she made her way over to squeeze near Namjoon.

The betrayal of it all! She laughed as Tasha found a sweet spot to brag about later. She, on the other hand, wanted to just kneel down the front. The professor frowned with a wave of her hand, “Come on, you know you’re too tall up here! Stand back there.” There was a grimace on her face as she moved to the back. They were staged in layers again.

“Everybody in!” She felt jostled as arms pulled against her shoulders. Before she had a moment to register anything? Jeongguk squeezed on one side of her, his arm around Taehyung, who squeezed on the other.

Students, Staff, and Band were connected in the joy of a show well done. The camera flashed, and she smiled on autopilot. A few flashes, more applause, and she was quick to escape the trap she found herself in.

Jeongguk had caught a whiff of something pleasant, tilting his head curiously at the tall female. Both he and Tae seemed to find each other’s gaze as they flitted looks at the woman between them.

She turned to shake their hands with a quiet thank you. Both of them seemed to take TOO LONG to let her hand go. She beat feet in Tasha’s direction as soon as she could. Tasha had this dreamy look on her face after speaking to Namjoon for a few minutes.

“Is this what heaven is like?” Tasha’s eyes were glassy and hooded. You’d think the girl finished smoking an exquisite bouquet of the studded sticks.

“It could be, Tash. It could be.” She smiled, turning to look at the empty stadium. The students have all huddled together once again. The professor was talking with the TDs and PDs, even Namjoon was there. There was a look of stern concentration on various faces. A cellphone in the middle of the group seemed to be the main focus.

The chill in the air didn’t phase them as they spoke of their experience. They lamented their mistakes. They reveled in techniques to apply later. They were buzzing with excitement and a renewed appreciation for following their current educational path.

“Ok, everyone, listen up!” Their professor walked back over with a massive smile on her face. Tasha was rambling with her arms wrapped around her frame. She could see the heat of breath wavering in the air. The professor’s excitement was palpable with a gesture back to the team behind her. Suddenly, she could feel her heart thundering against her rib cage. Maybe the others could hear it too? They all got quiet.

They were all staring at each other, then at her. Her mouth was half-open as white noise filled her head. Her brow furrowed deeply as others around her wore looks of shock and disbelief. Then there was more applause.

Tasha grabbed her, jumping up and down, her voice pitched to shrieking. She felt her body shake as she turned the dazed look to her friend.

W-wait, what?

Tasha cupped her face and looked ready to cry. She blinked down into her friend’s face, prepared to be violently sick.

She turned back to the professor, catching the end of her statement as her hearing filtered back in.

“…you passed…” Her eyes went wide. “…intense work-study opportunity…” She was surely going to be sick. “…traveling with the tour…” More applause. “You’ll still need to complete courses, you’ll be provided with online links.” She staggered into Tasha, who laughed even louder.

“We wanted to see how this first run would work, and you surpassed all expectations. Congratulations, you’ll set the tone for the future students of the program.”

You blinked back tears as you engulfed Tasha in a hug. Not only were you all going to be able to get the first-hand experience? You’ll get it with BTS. It all made sense as to why they required a passport as an admission qualification. The professor stepped away to join the technical team while you all rejoiced. Namjoon and the rest of BTS gathered to shake your hands, and offer their congratulations.

Comments expecting good things ahead were traded. She was happy. This was unbelievable - a stroke of luck.

Tasha managed to steal a hug from Namjoon, crying almost harder when she turned around. A firm hand landed on her own, leaving her with a beaming Jeongguk. A half bow, a smile, a nod of thanks as he lingered. Taehyung all but moved the maknae aside to get her hand in his again.

He had that arrogant tilt to his head. The tip of his tongue caught between his teeth as he lifted her hand. The light caught the dark chocolate of his gaze as he let his breath ghost across her knuckles.

He eased up, flashing a boxy smile before grabbing Tasha, doing the same. She shook off the strangeness of it all, turning to her friend with open arms.

“We did it!”

Their arms looped as they finally made their way off stage. The shuttle was waiting to get them to a small celebration. She still couldn’t help looking over her shoulder. For just a moment, she felt something staring a hole into her shoulder from the shadows.

Her brow furrowed as Tasha pulled her attention forward.

…just missing the two silhouettes lingering in the wings.

[darknytemare]

No Words  -Interlude-

[A/N - felt the need to roll back before moving forward. So, you’ll get two releases this weekend! This is the first of two, maybe 3? Then we’ll get back to the present next week! Thank you for reading this mess of a story!]

BTS - V Imagine - Tall Girl - Interracial - Interlude [Flashback]

2 Years Ago.

Lucky.

You couldn’t have asked for a situation to be luckier.  Her heartbeat could have doubled as a production drum track. One of her classmates, another girl from the inner city, looked bored as they sat in the auditorium. They both wanted to make music, good music - interesting music. They wanted to be at the forefront of technology and techniques for producing. They wanted the keys to the kingdom of hit songs. 

The college decided that they could only get that experience - by working with the best of the best. They had invited a range of performers to come and discuss their methodology. Each had a formula that worked for them. Each performer had a story to connect to their songs. It wasn’t about the number one hit, it was about making honest music. About being true to themselves in the best way they can. Especially in an industry, and a country, that didn’t always accept differences. 

She had been listening to various music styles, genres, and languages from a young age. It started in Jr. High, taking Spanish in 7th grade. She followed that throughout her High School time. She’s not embarrassed to say that Ricky Martin was apart of her foray into the Latin sounds. She listened to older songs, love songs, the music, and the story enthralled her. Japanese animation spurred her love for J-Rock and J-Pop. X-Japan dragged her into the world, Dir en Grey kept her attention. She was in love with Visual Kei. Old rock, alternative rock, a smidge of country, and anything with a beat that caused her to lean her head toward it. She was an audiophile, plain, and simple. 

Lead by a thin thread of melody until she had to devour the whole discography of an artist. She wanted to know all the ins and outs of the industry. Granted, there were other worthwhile fields to explore, so she was told. There was almost an expectation of finding easy money in business or even medical fields. She wrote poetry and song lyrics as long as she could remember. Music had been apart of the highs and lows of her life. She could associate a song for every pivotal moment of her life. The playlist spanned generations and the globe. It started when someone introduced her to Super Junior. Then it spiraled into 2NE1, Shinhwa, and the list went on and on. 

She was so thankful her family didn’t try to limit her. Her parents expected her to be open-minded to the world around her. It was something instilled in her upbringing. That open-minded was the bane of her existence during her high school years, unfortunately. In a place where anything different made you strange or weird. She didn’t care for the urban selections that most of her friends were into. 

There were times when her father put on his old school albums that she felt a connection. She wanted the story of music. She wanted the lyrics to strike her heart. That’s what she wanted in her music. She tried to write music, make music like that. All the artists she admired took chances, grew, and came back with something new. 

And now?

She was sitting in an auditorium waiting for the most significant thing in music to come speak to their group. 

She had a plethora of questions, worries, and fears. Everyone on the planet had heard about BTS at this point. There were a few of them who had managed to jump on the train early. Especially finding that they were working with legends in the rap community. Some watched expecting a spectacle - and to a degree? It was a spectacle.

Some wanted to see the thinking process of pinnacles of music that filled many a block party or high school dance. Let’s not forget backyard BBQs and family gatherings. Songs that whether you cared for the genre or not? Still managed to cause your body to move.

An elbow dug into her side as her friend stared wide-eyed at the line of men entering the auditorium. They were all seated semi-circle on the stage. BTS stood in front as the students clapped.

The boys had soft, quiet, smiles waving as RM straightened with a soft phrase. It was almost military in precision as they saluted, bowed, and introduced themselves. They each took a moment to say hello in English at that. She tilted her head as they spoke. 

It’s always a treat to hear a singer’s speaking voice. Some sharply contrasted their sounds. Others were no different from one to the other. She enjoyed the vocal textures, rich, or light tones as they spoke. Her friend saw her grinning like an idiot as her eyes rolled.

“Girl, get yourself together!” Tasha finally whispered to her. There was a thick swallow as she realized what she’d been doing. The boys were provided seats and microphones. They were treated to an acoustic version of one of their songs. To see the look of shock on the other student’s faces was an absolute treat. 

She could only smile as time seemed to zip by. Filled with questions and curiosities. She asked all the questions she could. Always sure to ask for clarification, examples, and advice. RM was ready with a smooth, dimpled smile as he translated. 

They all had solos under their belts at this time. So it was interesting to hear their thought processes. They all had one thing in common, though. The need to tell a story and convey emotion. To make sure that those who heard their music heard a message. It had been the most successful tactic thus far.

“So that ends our time. Everyone lets give BTS a round of applause!” The professor stood, the students followed. The boys bowed again and joined in the applause. They all gathered to shake hands, thanking them for taking time out of their grueling schedule. 

RM raises his hands, spreading them wide. “Thank you for your time! We’ll see you tonight!” Everyone stared blankly at him, then their professor, who smiled widely. “Oh, I forgot to mention. We have permission to go backstage and watch operations for a tour.” To say that the sound that rose from the sudden silence was almost choral? It echoed off the walls as hands shook vigorously, shoulders were clapped - and the excitement caused tears. 

“Alright, let’s get a picture!” The professor tried to get them all to find a spot. She managed to shake hands with most of the boys. Before she got a chance to shake Taehyung’s hand, they were being herded for a photo. She wound up, almost stepping on his foot as she tried to find a comfortable position. She wanted to shrink into nothingness. There was a bit of jostling before they used the bleachers to get them higher. She remembered one of the first words of Korean she’d learned. An apologetic smile as she mumbled an apology. Tae gave that infamous boxy smile with a wave of his hand. Tasha pulled her close as they sat on the bleachers smiling as the picture was taken. “Alright, you guys, meet back here in an hour - we’ll get shuttled to the stadium. Make sure you have your IDs..” The professor went on about etiquette, decorum, and rules. Nobody was listening - there was too much of a buzz about the show. They dispersed, waving the band members off. She bit into the bottom of her lip as they disappeared. 

“Oh. My. God!” Tasha grabbed her and spun around. They laughed as she eyed her friend. 

“Wait a minute, you were unimpressed just about an hour ago.” Tasha’s brow shot up with a devious grin. 

“Girl, we get to go behind the scenes of the hottest tour yet! I may not understand anything - but I’m happy for the opportunity.” Tasha laughed as she tapped the base of a high ponytail. She pursed her lips, swinging its length. “Honey, that RM, though?” Ah, how many times had she heard that?

“Come on, I have to make sure you don’t embarrass me,” Tasha smirked, yanking her by the arm.

“W-what? That’s mean, Tasha!” She frowned slightly as the other woman rolled her eyes. 

“It’s the truth.” She quipped as they hurried across the campus to her dorm. 

“We’re going backstage, there’s nothing to dress for.” She kept the frown on her face Tasha bouldered into her apartment and pulled her in. 

“Hush! Shower, now!” Tasha was taking no excuses as she pointed to the bathroom. 

She grunted, rolling her eyes trudging to the bathroom. 

Tasha respected her need to stay ‘practical’ about everything. She preferred oversized shirts, nearly formless skirts, and pants. Her friend wasn’t about that tonight. Tasha stuck her in a pair of jeans, a button-down shirt slightly tucked. She wore a pair of ankle boots accented with a silver chain. And by the time Tasha finished with her makeup? She hardly recognized herself. 

“T-Tasha, I think you went a little overboard?” Her friend had just finished her own face. The subtle smokey eye with lower-liner really made her eyes pop! Tasha smirked as she grabbed their bags and pushed her out of the door. 

“You’re not used to wearing makeup. Of course, you’d think it was too much.” The other woman rolled her eyes as they sprinted back to the meetup spot with minutes to spare. They all clambered on the shuttle. 

All of a sudden, they were there. This was real. 

They were walked through the various crew hiding spots. The makeshift dressing spaces underneath the stage. Everything was centrally located for the ease of the members.  The head PD was showing the group the setups, the chasers, and they finally arrived in ‘Monitor World.’ The place that was basically production HQ.

Some took notes, some lingered in the back looking around. Not her, no. She wanted to know what buttons did what. She wanted to know how they were sure that the upper-level fans could hear appropriately.

There were a few people with her curious about various other things. They could hear the crowd until they queued the chase pattern for the opening song. The boys rose from a floor lift. The group went wild as they started in on Blood, Sweat & Tears. 

Walkie talkies were going off left and right. Every time something could possibly go wrong? It was pointed out, corrected, and communicated. It was a tight run ship. They moved along to the area under the stage, just as the boys were lowered for a set and costume change. 

They were breathing heavy, sweating, and peeling their costumes off. There were people on the sides taking them, ushering them into the makeshift spaces. The students stayed back out of the way. The transition was so fast the students couldn’t help but stare wide-eyed. They made it back to the control hub. 

As if to make sure they were paying attention? The Head PD asked them to point out what they remembered. Tasha nudged her with a thumbs up. You got this, she mouthed. Everyone shifted on their feet as they fought to not being first. 

She straightened her posture as she stepped forward. “I’d like to give it a try.” The Head PD double-blinked as stood next to him. Ah, it was probably her height. She offered a gentle smile and nod, “If that’s ok?” 

“Please do. The routine is the same as before.” He smiled with his walkie talkie in hand. She took a deep breath, stepping closer to the operators at the panel. A headset sat on her head as the plethora of voices filled her ear.

The Head PD let them know that a student was making the calls, but he was overseeing. Two more students joined the panel board, the techs looking over their shoulders and pointing out controls.

She counted them down for each new element. 

The lights went dark as the chase pattern activated. They could do this - she could do this.

45 very long minutes later?

“Holy fuck, you did it?!” Tasha grabbed her in a frantic hug. “Y-you really fucking did it! I was scared shitless, man!” Her mind was still hazy over what just occurred. Tasha looped their arms together as the concert sailed to a close. They stood in the back eyes trained to the fireworks display above them.

“I thought I was going to vomit.” She admitted quietly. Tasha moved rainbow-colored braids from her face. 

“You should be proud of yourself.” They shared a smile as the professor rounded them up again. They followed the road crew as the stage was broken down. The last fans had long gone, and they were all alone again. The trucks, vans, and equipment checked and secured. She had followed the equipment with a few other students. They watched the breakdown and helped to carry pieces to be stored. There were, of course, a few quips of concern as she hauled a miniature subwoofer to the van. 

She politely reinforced her ability to contribute and promptly turned with the item in hand. She rolled up her sleeves, forearms contracting as she moved along the corridor. Ah, why did she let Tasha try to doll her up? The familiar burn in her muscles ebbed away as she handed the equipment to the technical director. She was at home when she could tomboy her way through situations.

She offered a bow turning to make her way back to the main group. A moment too long of watching everything around her left her in an area she didn’t recognize. A frown as she spun in a circle taking the next left turn under the created passageways - and she slammed into something.

“Ah!” A voice, male exclaimed as she staggered backward. 

She stumbled, and that someone, thankfully, pulled her arm hard to keep her from landing on her rump. She sucked in a breath as her gaze lifted. “Shit! I’m sorry! I wasn’t watching where I was-” A grunt rumbled through the air as her eyes went wide. “Oh.” 

Kim Taehyung was plucking the final buttons from his shirt. His gaze lowered to the floor as he fought off exhaustion. They had to get changed to meet up on the stage again. It took him a little longer to get the cramps out of his legs. He barely made out a shadow before his body collided with it. 

He saw her bounce from foot to foot before he pulled her arm. He heard the remorse in her voice as she rambled. His brow furrowed as she spoke too quick for him to pick out words. He still had his fingers wrapped around her forearm as she looked up at him. 

She smelled ... magnificent. His lashes lowered, nostrils flaring, on an inhale. She watched the perfect heart shape of his mouth part softly. She lowered her gaze to the expanse of flesh in her face. He was one button away from a cheesy romance novel cover. 

They stood in silence, trading body heat before she glanced at the long fingers burning into her skin. Their gazes locked again, “You should be more careful.” He rumbled softly. Her lip caught between her teeth as she nodded rapidly.

“R-right. I’m sorry. Thank you.” She coughed softly, stepping away from him. His fingers still lingered until they loosened. Her eyes were wide as she turned on her heel, trying to get back out to the main walkway without that hint of desperation in her steps.

Tasha came rounding the corner at that very moment. “Hey! They’re waiting on us on stage for a final picture. Come on! I’m not missing this because of you.” Her friend yanked her along with a stupid grin on her face. 

“Tae, Hyung, come on!” Jeongguk showed up as Tae went in the opposite direction. The maknae let him in their makeshift space. He helped Tae peel out of a sweaty costume. “I can’t wait to get some food and a beer.” Tae shrugged on a turtle neck, an oversized sweatshirt, and black slacks. 

“That makes two of us.” The visual croaked tiredly. “Come on, then.” Jeongguk gave that bunny-like smile as he dragged Tae toward the stage. Tae sulked, “What are you doing?”

Jeongguk’s brow shot up as they walked into the wings. “We have to take a picture with the class from earlier!” Tae rolled his eyes as he was dragged out. They made it in time for Namjoon to address everyone.

“It’s been an absolute pleasure to meet you all. Good luck in the future. Please wish us well - and maybe? We’ll see you backstage with us someday!” There was a round of applause as everybody tried to find a spot to fit in the picture. Tasha winked as she made her way over to squeeze near Namjoon.

The betrayal of it all! She laughed as Tasha found a sweet spot to brag about later. She, on the other hand, wanted to just kneel down the front. The professor frowned with a wave of her hand, “Come on, you know you’re too tall up here! Stand back there.” There was a grimace on her face as she moved to the back. They were staged in layers again. 

“Everybody in!” She felt jostled as arms pulled against her shoulders. Before she had a moment to register anything? Jeongguk squeezed on one side of her, his arm around Taehyung, who squeezed on the other. 

Students, Staff, and Band, were connected in the joy of a show well done. The camera flashed, and she smiled on autopilot. A few flashes, more applause, and she was quick to escape the trap she found herself in. 

Jeongguk had caught a whiff of something pleasant, tilting his head curiously at the tall female. Both he and Tae seemed to find each other’s gaze as they flitted looks at the woman between them. 

She turned to shake their hands with a quiet thank you. Both of them seemed to take TOO LONG to let her hand go. She beat feet in Tasha’s direction as soon as she could. Tasha had this dreamy look on her face after speaking to Namjoon for a few minutes.

“Is this what heaven is like?” Tasha’s eyes were glassy and hooded. You’d think the girl finished smoking an exquisite bouquet of thc studded sticks. 

“It could be, Tash. It could be.” She smiled, turning to look at the empty stadium. The students have all huddled together once again. The professor was talking with the TDs and PDs, even Namjoon was there. There was a look of stern concentration on various faces. A cellphone in the middle of the group seemed to be the main focus. 

The chill in the air didn’t phase them as they spoke of their experience. They lamented their mistakes. They reveled in techniques to apply later. They were buzzing with excitement and a renewed appreciation for following their current educational path.

“Ok, everyone, listen up!” Their professor walked back over with a massive smile on her face. Tasha was rambling with her arms wrapped around her frame. She could see the heat of breath wavering in the air. The professor’s excitement was palpable with a gesture back to the team behind her. Suddenly, she could feel her heart thundering against her rib cage. Maybe the others could hear it too? They all got quiet.

They were all staring at each other, then at her. Her mouth was half-open as white noise filled her head. Her brow furrowed deeply as others around her wore looks of shock and disbelief. Then there was more applause.

Tasha grabbed her, jumping up and down, her voice pitched to shrieking. She felt her body shake as she turned the dazed look to her friend. 

W-wait, what?

Tasha cupped her face and looked ready to cry. She blinked down into her friend’s face, prepared to be violently sick.

She turned back to the professor, catching the end of her statement as her hearing filtered back in.

“...you passed…” Her eyes went wide. “...intense work-study opportunity…” She was surely going to be sick. “...traveling with the tour…” More applause. “You’ll still need to complete courses, you'll be provided with online links.” She staggered into Tasha, who laughed even louder.

“We wanted to see how this first run would work, and you surpassed all expectations. Congratulations, you’ll set the tone for the future students of the program.”

You blinked back tears as you engulfed Tasha in a hug. Not only were you all going to be able to get the first-hand experience? You’ll get it with BTS. It all made sense as to why they required a passport as an admission qualification. The professor stepped away to join the technical team while you all rejoiced. Namjoon and the rest of BTS gathered to shake your hands, and offer their congratulations.

Comments expecting good things ahead were traded. She was happy. This was unbelievable - a stroke of luck. 

Tasha managed to steal a hug from Namjoon, crying almost harder when she turned around. A firm hand landed on her own, leaving her with a beaming Jeongguk. A half bow, a smile, a nod of thanks as he lingered. Taehyung all but moved the maknae aside to get her hand in his again. 

He had that arrogant tilt to his head. The tip of his tongue caught between his teeth as he lifted her hand. The light caught the dark chocolate of his gaze as he let his breath ghost across her knuckles. 

He eased up, flashing a boxy smile before grabbing Tasha, doing the same. She shook off the strangeness of it all, turning to her friend with open arms. 

“We did it!” 

Their arms looped as they finally made their way off stage. The shuttle was waiting to get them to a small celebration. She still couldn’t help looking over her shoulder. For just a moment, she felt something staring a hole into her shoulder from the shadows.

Her brow furrowed as Tasha pulled her attention forward. 

...just missing the two silhouettes lingering in the wings.

[morphoportiswrites]

Riots. - Chapter Two: Please...

Summary: After finding Bane wounded and dying in Gotham City Hall, you have to make a decision. Your friends or him?

Pairing: Bane (TDKR) x Reader

Word Count: 2022

Warnings: Lots of swearing

Author’s Note: So here it is, the second chapter! I hope it’s not too boring? I really know how to drag things on, don’t I? Hahaha! (Also tumblrs formating is pissing me off. XD) And again: English is not my first language.

(Y/NN = Your nickname) (Found the gif on giphy!)

Chapter Two: Please...

Bane's grip was awfully tight around your neck and you were a 100% sure, even in his weakened state, this man was able to break it with one simple and swift move. For a split second you thought about ways to free yourself from his hand but another thing you were pretty sure about was, that he'd catch you by your hair.

“Seriously? I'm just trying to help you, man”, your mouth complained before your brain could actually rate the words coming out of it as a teensy bit inept. Nice. Way to get yourself out of this mess. To be honest, you had never been someone to shut their pie hole when situations required it.

Bane's eyes practically shot daggers at you. Stare still. Somewhat furious... but there was something else in them. Something you couldn't quite place. Fear? Pain? Confusion?

Bane was confused. What initially had triggered his reflex to defend himself, that no one could be trusted and everyone was just out to get him... there  was nothing of it in your eyes. Assessing your motives, something told him, you meant every word you said. It was odd and frankly he was surprised by himself when he felt the muscles in his arm and hand shift.

You felt his fingers loosen and were able to pull away. Not trying to panic, you breathed in and out. In and out. While rubbing your neck. You could still feel the pressure of his fingers on your skin. If there was one feeling you hated, it was that of being physically restrained or downright inferior. Honestly, you had assumed this was the last time of you being cheeky in a situation like this. He could have hurt you so easily.

Now it was your turn to look somewhat confused and you were about to speak when you heard footsteps moving quickly down the stairs in the large hallway of the entrance. One pair halted in the door frame of the room you recently occupied and you turned your head around to see who it was. “You were right, Y/NN. An absolute waste of time and energy. Maybe a couple of pieces of furniture but too big and heavy to actually keep this a short time visit”, Cable, who's given name was actually Greg, admitted.

Told you so, crossed your mind for a moment but being sassy was not the major priority right now. “Look what I found though...”, you uttered and nodded into the direction of the almost lifeless body laying in front of you. Cable not being able to see what you meant, came closer.

“Shit! Is that... Bane?”

“Yes, and-”

“Fuck!”, he crossed the rest of the room and came to a halt next to you. “Wow, someone beat him up well”, a bemused snicker escaped Cable's lips.

“I need your help.” Another confused look.

“With what?”

“We need to get him out of here”, matter of factly.

“Excuse me?!... No, this... nah”, Cable pulled a face and lifted his hands in a defensive motion.

“He needs help or he'll die, Greg!”

“Sorry doll, but this is too risky for me... getting caught with him... and to be honest... he already looks fucking dead.” In any other situation you would have not let his degrading nickname for you slip past.

“That's because he's dying, you stupid fuck!”, you felt your face getting heated.

Cable put on his helmet and shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe it's better that way”, it seemed like he thought that now was his turn to sound matter of factly, as he put on his motorcycle gloves.

There it was. Your breaking point. The anger rushing from your head through your whole body, had you up in no time, when you both heard a voice yelling his name. It sounded urgent. Maybe someone from the group had turned on police radio and they weren't far.

In just one or two seconds more, a whole lot of things happened. Inside your head at least. In milliseconds your mind raced through your memories and replayed moment after moment you had spent together with the group. Things had been nice at the beginning. Nice and simple. You all had had the same goal. Or so you had thought it seemed. Sure, none of you was a saint in all of this but was this group still what you initially had joined it for? Were you all still on the same page? Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor? The last couple of heists had ended pretty violently and you had done nothing to prevent or stop it. You were as guilty as them.

Was that still you? What had happened to the girl calling people out on their bullshit? Even physically fighting for people who needed help? Fighting school yard bullies, mobsters, men who couldn't keep their hands to themselves?

So much more rushed through your mind. Situation after situation that had you made feel more and more alienated and cut off from the others. Had you overthink and doubt everything you were doing. Into all of this you felt fury pouring in. Was that guy in front of you still that chill dude you'd hooked up with a few times? Right now he was a bit too chill for your taste. If you thought about it, you had never gotten to know any of them, really. Who was to say Greg hadn't been a complete ass before, already? But refusing to help someone who was dying? This was it.

“Piss off.”

“What?”

“You heard me right, Greg. Piss off”, you almost spit in his face. Another cold shrug of his shoulders and he was gone out the door. A couple of moments later, the sound of engines could be heard and every other second if faded away gradually.

Your eyes fell back to Bane's face. Okay... you knew where to get him, you only needed a plan to get him out of here. Preferably as fast as possible. The sirens of police cars could be heard far in the distance of the city. Turning your gaze from the man's eyes, yours scanned the room yet again. This time for something that could be of use but nothing seemed obviously helpful in your endeavours or trigger an idea.

Quickly your feet carried you out of the room, the building and to your motorcycle. Without thinking twice, your hands opened the hatch at the back of the small trailer that was connected to your bike and emptied all the stolen valuables on to the street. So, now you knew how to transport the masked man. Just not how to get him down here. His injury was probably way too severe for him to waste too much strength on carrying his own weight.

“Think, think, think!”, you said out loud and gave your forehead a few good pats. Again your feet started moving. It had always been like that since you had been a child. Either your feet knew where to lead you or walking helped you to get your brain into motion as well, ideas flooding in. This time they made you pace up and down next to your bike. And you were about to give up on their stimulating support this time and go back inside, when your feet made you trip over something and fall hands first down on the pavement. Looking back at what had caught your two fellas attention, your eyes spotted a rolled up rug. You knew you could always count on them.

This morning you had taken the rug from the house of a guy who had the walls of his home plastered with photos of himself. The only face you found was a movie poster from The Big Lebowski right above a cosy sofa with a rug in front of it that tied the room together. You had to take this thing with you just to simply fuck with this wannabe playboy. It had been more of a meta joke to take it but you never thought the sight of a rug could've made you feel inspiration, excitement and relieve. You quickly got up on your feet again.

Bane hadn't expected to see your face ever again when you had left, so he did what this cruel world had made him exceptionally good at. Surviving. He knew his chances were small, certainly non-existent, but if he'd be able to block out the pain, as his mask partly did for him and as he was trained to do in greater detail and intensity all his life, he might could get a few blocks away from here. There he would die in the darkness, hidden from the world, he was sure. Anything was better than being in the hands of the police. Getting thrown in a cage again.

As he was about to slip into some kind of trance, to disassociate himself from the pain in his body, he felt something from the outside pulling him back. A physical impulse. And a voice. Muffled. The voice started sounding clearer as he shifted his mind back to reality again, clinging to the pain to guide him back. “Bane!”, he opened his eyes to the sound of his name. And there it was again. The face of that girl.

And there he was again. You exhaled deeply with more than some relieve. The moment you had seen him with his eye lids closed, you had feared the worst. Feared? What kind of thought was that? And what was he to you anyway? A terrorist? Scratch that. Someone who was about to die infront of your eyes and you couldn't let that happen, could you? No matter who he was.

“I'm really sorry about this...”, you apologised in advance for the increase of pain he was going to feel from what you had in mind. You rolled out the rug next to him, fuzzy side down. This way it would function as a poor excuse of a stretcher you could drag across the sleek marble floor and thus be able to get someone his weight out of here. “You've got to help me a bit to get you onto this thing”, you explained. For a moment you could see the hesitation in his tense body, the suspicion in his eyes. The sirens of the police cars cut through the silence between the two of you. Definitely closer than before. You held out your hand to grab. “Please...”, a whisper. Almost pleading.

Heavy breathing grew heavier as Bane's hand grabbed yours. Luckily you weren't opposed to work heavy physically and nature had you made with a bit of counterweight anyway, so you weren't pulled down by his. Together you managed to get him on the rug, his agitated breathing was the only sign of pain you could read off of him, and you wasted no time to pull on it. It wasn't as easy as you had wished it to be, with all the rubble specking the way out. Tomorrow you'd definitely have sore muscles but that was a ridiculous price you were willing to pay to get both of you out of all of this. Alive.

The stairs were the short way but no option, so you played it safe and dragged him down the long wheelchair ramp at the outside. As soon as you reached the back of the trailer and hold out your hand another time, Bane's already held on to it. Either way he had realised how close the cops were now or... no, don't you think like that, Y/N! You scolded yourself while you helped the man who was easily a head taller than you and built like a brick wall into the vehicle. With a few quick movements you fastened the top cover to hide Bane from eventual encounters with the officials and other folk, and hopped onto your bike. A good and precise kick to the starter and you fled the scene.

______________________________________________

Taglist: @markusstraya

[spnfanficpond]

April 2019 Pond LiveChat Recap

We had a great time chatting with @deanscarlett today! Thank you so much, Scar, for joining us!!

We had a bunch of non-native English-speakers in the room today, and we all discussed the challenges of writing in a language that is not your first. A rundown of the chat, as well as general Pond news, is below the cut!

People attending: @deanscarlett @katehuntington @emilyshurley @focusonspn @mrswhozeewhatsis 

Q: What is everyone’s first language?

Scar: Spanish Kate: Dutch Emily: Hindi Sol: Spanish

Q: You all are so fluent, did you grow up speaking English?

Scar: My mom sent me to learn English when I was 6 or 7. I’m almost 41 lol Emily: I did, grand dad is a retired professor of English so like almost the second language kinda thing Kate: My mom grew up on Australia and she thought it was important for me to learn English from a very early age. 

Q: What do you guys think is the hardest part of English?

Emily: Grammar. I can speak fluently, but for me, it’s grammar and punctuation. Speaking is easier because I grew up talking to my dad in English on occasions. Scar: The listening and pronunciation part. Grammar comes easy to me because of the way it was taught to me. Spanish has waaaay too many verb tenses that makes English a joke in that sense. Kate: I personally sometimes struggle when I wanna use a Dutch way of saying things. I translate too literally.

We then discussed how even English is very different depending on what country you’re from. US vs. UK vs. Australian, for example. The same words mean different hings, different countries have different words. Sometimes, the differences can seem like it’s a whole different language.

Q: Is there anything about English that constantly trips you up, even though you know better?

Kate: Times. I mean, tenses. Scar: I got it, tenses in Spanish are called “tiempos”, which in EN is “times” 😀 For me, phrasal verbs, certain rules when it comes to prepositions. Those are my bane. Emily: Tenses. I mess those up a lot. Michelle: Well, it’s not like there’s not 2983625 tenses or anything. Native speakers screw them up, too. Apparently, we’re all REALLY invested in knowing exactly when things happened!

Q: Which brings up a side thought. I know that language informs thought. Like, some languages have no words for things, or special words for things. How often do you run into that?

Kate: A lot. I’ve looked so long for a translation to the word ‘gezellig’. It doesn’t exist. Scar. Yup. We don’t have a word for toes, for example. Kate & Michelle: Toes? How can you not have a word for toes??? Scar: Yup, it’s “fingers of the foot/feet”. There isn’t a word for it. Emily: Same. Michelle: I was thinking about those cultures that don't have words for stealing because they believe everything belongs to everyone, and here Scar is telling me the South Americans don't have toes!

Emily then turned us onto a discussion about how English steals from other languages.

Emily: Speaking of word stealing "jungle" is a Hindi word. Michelle: Oh, English is a great thief. English steals from EVERYONE indiscriminately. Kate: Oh now I wanna know what they stole from the Dutch. Emily: *cough* colonialism *cough* Kate: We were just as bad. England owned half and the Dutch the other half. Scar: Spanish stole terms, too, but they evolved in time. Emily: Jungle is straight up Hindi word with same meaning. The only English words we use in Hindi are for the things British introduced to India. Even then we came up with word for them eventually. Michelle: Quick Google search for English words with Dutch origin: Coleslaw (from the Dutch word meaning cabbage salad), boss (from baas, which means master), stove (from the Dutch word for heated room), and booze (from a Dutch word "busen" meaning to drink in excess). Kate: Koolsla! Haha! Of course we inspired a word for alcohol. Busen is old old Dutch, though. Stoven is a Dutch word for cooking. But what the English speakers call a stove, we call a gasfornuis, now. Language is weird, man.

Q: One of the facets of English that I don't know if other languages do, is how it constantly changes. I took a history of the English language course in college, and if you read Old English, like Chaucer's Canterbury Tales was originally written in, it's a completely different language. For example, the verb to starve, came from a word steorfan (not the correct spelling), which simply meant to die. Over the centuries, the meaning changed to die specifically from hunger.

Emily: Most languages evolve with time.  Scar: Latin American Spanish and Spaniard Spanish have different tenses for 2nd person plural. Even a different pronoun.

Q: Someone once told me that English is more malleable than other languages. What do you think of that?

Scar: It’s true. Spanish is hard to evolve.You cannot transform a word in a verb as easily as with EN. Emily: I’ll speak for Hindi. It’s a constantly evolving language that’s super malleable.

Q: When you look for a beta, do you look for someone who speaks your first language, or just for a native English speaker? If you don't look for someone who speaks your language, do you think finding a beta who did would make things easier or harder?

Scar: Always a native speaker. For one, not many Spanish speakers around, and 2nd, they are bound to make the same mistakes I do. Emily: It’s hard finding Indian betas, so mostly they are native English speakers. Kate: I look for a native English speaker in a beta, at least one of them (I usually get my stories checked by 2 or 3 betas). Scar: Though I notice that EN speakers tend to not notice stuff like they’re/there/their and the like. I don’t have issues with those when I write, but I notice it a lot in other writers (native EN) who were betaed by other native EN, and you see tons of those mistakes.

Q: Is there anything that has tripped up your betas in the past, or anything that you wish betas would focus on more often?

Kate: Repeating a certain word. I use a certain verb or emotion too much. Synonym would be better, not everyone picks up on that Scar: I tend to go a little too happy with passive voice. I usually do 10 reads before giving it to the beta. Usually they find wrong prepositions.  Emily: For me, it's common English saying and day to day slang. A beta once said my dialogue sounds formal. Michelle: I can understand the formal thing. One ESL writer I beta for never uses contractions. Emily: That's because I learnt the "proper" way of speaking English in school. Scar: That’s another issue, too. I was taught the posh English, so when I went to England last year, it was hard af to understand the cockney English. Emily:  Then there is the whole cultural divide situation. For example, I have a really difficult time writing anything remotely NSFW because sex and PDA are kinda taboo in India. Any advice? Michelle: Only write what you're comfortable writing. If you REALLY feel that your story needs something you don't feel comfortable writing, then collaborate with someone. Scar: Don’t force yourself to write something you are not comfortable with. Because in some cases, you don’t enjoy it and in the end that shows in the writing. Emily: It isn't that I'm not comfortable, I don't have an issue I just have no idea what I'm doing. Michelle: Whenever you're writing something that you don't know much about, find someone who writes that or knows about that, and work with them. For example, @manawhaat is my weapons expert. When I wrote a fic about Dean and the First Blade, comparing it to his other weapons, I practically had her on speed dial. I wrote what I was thinking, and asked her if any of it sounded plausible, and she corrected what I had wrong, and gave suggestions for things I didn't know about. Another suggestions is to read TONS of other fics that have what you want to write. Kate: But if you wanna learn, read and practice, though. You don’t even have to publish it.  Emily: That makes sense but I'm to scared to reach out to people. I follow some people who are really amazing, but when they post stuff like, “No, I won't read your fics unless I offer myself,” I get scared thinking I'm bothering others as well. Michelle: That’s when the Pond’s Beta list comes in handy! Sol: I'm too scared to bother someone for beta my work. Michelle: That’s what the list is there for. These are people who want to beta read. If they’re busy, they’ll tell you. But they want to be on the list and welcome people asking them.

We ended with some advice on picking a beta, and complaints about Tumblr eating asks. REMINDER: IF YOU SEND AN ASK TO THE POND AND DON’T GET A RESPONSE IN TWO DAYS, SEND A MESSAGE TO ONE OF OUR ADMINS!!

Great talk, guys! Can’t wait for next month!!

General Pond Updates and Reminders

Angel Fish Award nominations are accepted all month long! No need to wait to tell us how much you liked a fellow Fish’s work!  IF YOU HAVE SENT IN A NOMINATION, BUT HAVE NOT RECEIVED A PRIVATE MESSAGE CONFIRMING WE RECEIVED IT, WE DIDN’T GET IT. Be sure to use Submit instead of Ask!

Don’t forget to submit your stories to be posted to the blog! When your stories are on the blog, then they are easier to nominate for Angel Fish Awards!

SPNFanFicPond Season 14 Weekly Episode Challenge - Now that the season is over, we will be reposting each prompt list through the summer months! Remember, there’s no deadline for submissions! 

Say hi to April’s New Members!

Check the Pond CALENDAR to see when Big Fish will be in the chat room and other Pond and SPN events are happening! Know of something that’s not on the calendar, send us an ask or submission with the deets info details!  The calendar offers a lot of features, such as showing you when things are in your own timezone! Since we’re an international group, that’s a definite plus!!

We don’t have a topic or speaker set up for May’s event, yet, so if there’s something you want to talk about, or someone you want to talk to, LET US KNOW!

[magic-and-moonlit-wings]

Chapter 36: Burning Riddles

Becoming The Mask

It was weird, seeing Mr Strickler in Trollmarket.

Darci got that he was secretly a troll as well, like Jim or Not Enrique. But she was so used to only seeing him at school, and so used to not seeing other (supposed) humans in Trollmarket, that this felt like that time in second grade when she'd first seen a teacher at the grocery store. Or like seeing a lifeguard wearing clothes instead of a swimsuit.

"The Triumbric Stones," he said, unknowingly reiterating what Blinky had told them before Strickler arrived, "refer to three stones magically intertwined with Gunmar's life force. They can supposedly be forged together into the only weapon capable of slaying him. A troll scholar by the name of Bodus –"

"The Dishonorable Bodus," Blinky corrected. Strickler gave him the same look he gave students who interrupted him in class. Blinky, to whom Strickler could not assign detention, seemed unphased.

"The Dishonorable Bodus, then, discovered where these stones had been hidden. Naturally Gunmar's forces hunted down Bodus and his pupils and destroyed any copies we could find of his work. But here is where the scholar proved himself to be particularly clever. Rather than writing down the path to the Triumbric Stones directly, or even in cipher, he magically concealed a message within his Final Testament … a message which reveals itself when the book is burned."

Blinky and Jim both gasped, with very different facial expressions.

"Like how The Book of Ga-Huel can update itself?" Jim asked.

"Not quite. The Final Testament of Bodus is completely destroyed in the process, not merely altered. The message embeds itself into whichever surface on which the burning occurs."

"And how do you know this?" demanded Blinky, clutching a book to his chest with all four hands. "You stood idly by and allowed knowledge to be desecrated?"

"Obviously I was the one ordered to destroy the books. Only a deeply foolish Changeling would risk accusations of treason by reporting to a superior that they'd seen a way to destroy Gunmar."

Strickler and Jim both looked at the petrified severed head Toby had been poking at earlier. Darci wasn't sure if Strickler shuddered or he was just shaking himself to get back on topic.

"Defiler!" Blinky roard. Even AAARRRGGHH's gentle hug – oh, he was lifting Blinky right into the air, maybe he was actually holding him back from attacking – didn't calm him down. "Book burner! You – this is a grave injustice! A loss perhaps on par with the Library of Alexandria!"

It was not an appropriate moment to laugh. Darci, Mary, Claire, Toby, and Jim all made sounds of amusement anyway. Mr Strickler drew himself up and began the same speech he'd given them at the start of their unit on the Crusades.

"The loss of a centralized bastion of knowledge such as Alexandria was considerable. It was not as extreme as popularly portrayed. The majority of collected volumes were copies of books that existed elsewhere. The libraries of Islamic nations were vital in preserving ancient knowledge over the centuries –"

Jim cleared his throat. Blinky had settled, and AAARRRGGHH had set the smaller troll back on his feet. Strickler deflated.

"I took no pleasure in it, I assure you. Fortunately, the method of concealment meant it was not a security risk to transcribe the text into an unenchanted volume before destroying the originals."

"And the secret message?" said Mary. "I'm guessing that would've been a security risk to keep around."

"Indeed. But as it was thoughtfully composed in rhyme, it was a simple matter to memorize it." Strickler and Jim held weirdly-significant-feeling eye contact. "Entirely as a precaution. In the event that someone else found another copy, we would need to know what they learned."

"Of course," his fellow Changeling agreed.

"So what's the rhyme?" pressed Claire.

"In darkest tide, when daylight darest wane," Strickler recited, "the Myrddin Wylt obscured a shadow's bane. Three forces elemental thou must seek, in marshland, caverns deep, and mountain's peak. Where worthy perish, ye'll prevail in night, and eclipse all who quarry with thy might."

"Okay, I have several questions," said Toby. "One, after all that, it's still a riddle? Two, what's a medi-fred wench? Three, anyone else a little freaked out by this 'evil parish' we're forming?"

"That's not what he said, Tobes."

"Myrddin was one of the earlier recorded names of Merlin," said Strickler. "There has since been some speculation as to whether it was in fact a title, akin to, say, Archbishop, raising the possibility that the legends actually refer to several different men. After the Norman conquest of Britain in 1066, the nobility spoke French, and Merlin was renamed after the species of falcon. It was presumably difficult to take seriously a figure whose name was a false cognate of the invective merde."

Darci would not call herself fluent in French, but before and during her family's trip to Paris, she had learned enough of the language to laugh now. She hastily muffled it behind her hand, so all that got out was "Pffthmmhm!"

"Daylight probably refers to Jim's sword," said Claire. "Or, well, the Trollhunter's sword. You said that couldn't hurt him," speaking half to Jim, half to Blinky.

"Using fading sunlight symbolise loss of hope is more of a human thing," Jim agreed.

"And the next couplet, that's where the stones are hidden." Claire was starting to grin. "In marshland, caverns deep, and mountain's peak."

"So we just need to find out which marsh, cave and mountain these stones are in?" Darci hated to rain on Claire's parade, but … "Simple enough. That's only, oh, about a third of the world to search."

"We already have one, which means we can skip the caverns." Mr Strickler took his favourite pen out of his jacket and toyed with it. "The Janus Order … recovered Gunmar's Eye, some centuries ago."

For some reason he was looking over Blinky's shoulder at AAARRRGGHH. Was he scared of him? AAARRRGGHH could be intimidating if you didn't know what a sweetie he was. But Strickler hadn't seemed at all concerned when AAARRRGGHH escorted him into the library, and they'd been alone together then. Plus, AAARRRGGHH has been the one to hold Blinky back when Blinky was yelling at Strickler.

"We haven't been able to retrieve the Killstone or Birthstone, but I'm reasonably confident that the marshland Bodus refers to is the swamps of the Quagawumps. Gunmar unintentionally created the Killstone when he shattered their beloved Wumpa King – a sorcerer of great power."

"Like how Voldemort accidentally gave Harry the power to defeat him!" gasped Toby.

"This sounds more like a revenge curse," said Jim. "That explains a little. I mean, it's the one Triumbric Stone that was never physically part of him. Unless Gunmar ate the body and, uh, I'm gonna stop talking now."

Everyone grimaced.

"We should talk to Glug," said Mary. "She's a Quagawump, and she has family visit from the swamp sometimes. She might know if they have it. Or if she doesn't, she might know who to ask."

"I'm all for getting an insider crash-course in swamp troll etiquette before we actually go there," said Darci.

"The Quagawumps are indeed reputed to be unfriendly to outsiders," Blinky agreed. "An insider might be our best chance of getting in and out alive."

That was like a splash of ice water. Darci shivered.

"… If I frame it as avenging their Shattered King," said Jim, paging through the book on the Triumbric Stones that had been left open on the table, "and promise to give it back once Gunmar's dead, they'll probably agree to lend me the Killstone without making any other demands."

"You're gonna build a super-weapon and give part of it back?" Toby shook his head and clicked his tongue. "Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo."

"It's an artifact of historical, cultural, and possibly religious significance to the Quagawumps, and it's a body part from a possibly-vengeful dead sorcerer. Yes, I'm going to give it back."

Previous Chapter (The ‘Quest for Triumbric Stones’ storyline begins)

Table of Contents

Next Chapter (Jim and Barbara meet again)

Blinky learns most of what he knows about other troll cultures from the books in his library rather than talking to other trolls around the market. This is my justification for why Glug, Trollmarket's resident Quagawump, was not introduced until Season Three when she would've been really useful to have around in that one episode of Season Two. Luckily, in this timeline, the kids are in the habit of wandering Trollmarket and gossiping with the locals.

I know Toby actually asks if the others are also "a little freaked out by this 'evil perish' poem", but I misheard him saying "evil parish we're forming" the first time I watched it and decided to throw it into the fic.

Darci mentions in Season Three that her family has been to Paris.

A cognate is a word that sounds similar enough in multiple languages (usually because it traces back to a common root) that it can be understood by a person who only speaks one of the languages; like how 'idiot' in English and 'idiota' in Spanish are very obviously the same word. A false cognate is a word that sounds like something completely different in another language; like how 'embarazada' in Spanish sounds like it should translate to 'embarrassed' in English, but actually translates to 'pregnant'.

'Merde' is French for 'crap/shit'.

Horrible Histories – a series of books intended to get kids interested in history by presenting data in easily-read, entertaining format, and leaving in some of the gross parts – has a volume on Arthurian legends, which was where I got the bit about Merlin's name being speculated to have actually been a title held by a few different guys, and that the French were the ones to change it.

The book actually said the change was made by medieval French troubadours, who were also the ones to add in the Lancelot/Guinevere thing, but I decided that Strickler, as a history teacher, needed to date-drop the bit about William the Conqueror and the influence that using Norman French at court had on the English language.

It's got a lot of other cool stuff, like there being nine sisters who co-rule Avalon (Morgan and possibly Nimuë among them, other seven names unrecorded); and how Morgan le Fay got conflated with Morgause, the youngest of Arthur's three half-sisters; or the possibility that Guinevere marrying Arthur was actually what let him have the crown, due to how Celtic politics worked, and the scandal later in their marriage (Lancelot wasn't invented yet, but the Queen had other lovers) was because Arthur refused to step down for a younger, stronger warrior when Guinevere decided to pick a new king (as was her right), which got hushed up in Medieval times because it didn't fit the Catholic church's view of how marriage worked; or that the scabbard that came with Exalibur, when the Lady of the Lake gave it to Arthur, was enchanted so its wearer would never bleed, but the scabbard was later stolen.

[harbingerofdebauchery]

@yourlovingspy​:

Alec took the water when Magnus pressed it into his hand and, smiling because he was blushing, blushing because Magnus was speaking to him with that special tone, that soft tone, he looked down at the cup. Drunk or sober, there was something incredible about Magnus Bane’s voice, and Alec knew he could happily listen to it for the rest of his life – but would Magnus want to hear that? From him?

He drank the water, listening to him continue, and when he looked back up, Alec met Magnus’s eyes. He smiled, and even though the world was a little fuzzy for him right now, that smile was real. Unaffected, unguarded, and wholly, happily, for Magnus.

“I should probably go home,” he said, even though he didn’t really want to. He could walk home, and doing so would probably help him sober up, but he liked being here too much. Being around Magnus, listening to him, looking at him, seeing the world how Magnus Bane wanted it to be: beautiful, simple, the pursuit of pleasure without guilt, joy without shame. Those thoughts, though, those feelings, were beyond him to express right now, at least aloud. Despite being unable to speak it, though, the truth was there in Alec’s eyes; he looked at Magnus like the warlock was sunlight itself.

“But if you really don’t mind me staying,” he hesitated, wondering if that sentence had made sense, frustrated with himself for being confused to begin with, but then made himself push on, “then maybe you’ll let me help you clean up when we get out of bed. Not that we would be in bed together. Your spare bed. Room. Spare bed room. Obviously, we’ll sleep in th– you, I. I would sleep in – Magnus,” he said, realizing that he had very much steered himself straight towards a collapse of the English language, “I would love to stay here. Thank you. And in the morning – or the um, later-than-now morning, I can help you clean up from the party?”

I really hope I’m making sense. He couldn’t tell, though, so he held almost statue still, watching Magnus, entirely focused on him, practically holding his breath.

The hint of colour that tinted Alec's cheeks hadn't gone unnoticed and if anything it had him smiling even more so. He'd known the other was still figuring himself out, but moments like these were ones he enjoyed. Though, he was thinking that offering him alcohol was something he would have to keep to a minimum. The last thing he wanted was to end up with a very drunk shadowhunter and his parabatai at his door. While he didn't mind those from the Institute coming to him for help, he'd rather not have them showing up looking for one of their own who'd ended up having a bit too much to drink. It was something he'd been hoping to avoid since he'd met Alexander Lightwood.

At least he was able to get the other something to drink. Water would keep him hydrated and would help flush the alcohol from his system. It wouldn't be a quick process but hopefully it would allow him to rest without the fear of dealing with a hangover he next morning. Magnus just needed to keep the other there in his loft. If he let the boy leave he was certain the moment he left the loft he would be a target for those who wandered the city. And he would end up getting hurt worse. He wasn't certain how to get him to stay other than to make it impossible for him to leave.

"You should, but not until you've sobered up a bit," he pointed out, ready to magically lock his loft if he made a move for the door. Alexander could hate him for it but at least he'd be safe. And it was quite easy for him to make up a room for the night. Most everyone who came to one of his parties tended to stay the night and he'd learned to have plenty of rooms available for them. But Alexander had drank while they were together and while he had a few rooms ready, he wasn't certain the other would take too kindly to being forced to stay there. But what other choice did he have? Magnus wasn't about to let Alexander leave knowing he could get attacked and hurt Or worse. Maybe it was time to call his parabatai to make certain he made it to the Institute in one piece. At least then he'd be able to rest in peace.

"Alexander, if I had a problem with you staying I wouldn't have offered in the first place," he pointed out, offering the other a smile. So much confusion with the other and in all honesty it was quite amusing. Most people alcohol loosened their tongues. Alexander? It seemed to confuse him more than he already was and while it was something that amused him, it wasn't something he would do on a regular basis. "I have a spare room that you're more than welcome to use and clean up won't take that long with magic." One of the many reasons Magnus never minded throwing such large parties. Magic made clean up simple with a snap of his fingers. Though, he could admit that he appreciated the fact that Alexander would actually help clean up come morning. It had him wondering just what else the other would do. He didn't want to just assume things and instead he waved his arm towards the hall that contained the spare rooms.

"You can have your choice of rooms down that hall. All of them are empty and should be quite comfortable."

[skammovistarplus]

Culture and Translation - S01 E10

After the cut, lots of thoughts of bullying and betrayals. Also, me trying to get through these quick before season 2 starts dropping. 

CLIP 1: And now, for a lot of thoughts on bullying

¿Con las clases empezadas? (“Mid-term?”): Nora asks Eva something like, “with school having started?” I reworked it as it sounds awkward.

Es que no me entra nada (“I have no appetite”): Eva says something like, “I can’t get anything inside.” Again, no one says this in English.

Okay, so when this clip dropped, there were some discussions on twitter. Firstly, as someone who has attended high school in the US and Spain, I don’t believe Nora would be nicknamed Joan of Arc at an American high school. I don’t think Joan of Arc is that well-known of a figure that side of the Atlantic. Joan of Arc is a fairly recognizable figure in Spain because she is a Roman Catholic saint, and Spanish culture is highly influenced by Catholicism. In my opinion, a person like Nora, living in Wisconsin, would be called a SJW or a snowflake or something along those lines. The issue is, Spanish people don’t understand what those nicknames would mean. They would, however, understand the nuances of getting called Joan of Arc.

Then there is another issue. Nora says, “I swear that, in the US, being a freak is a lot worse than here.” That raises some questions, because the kind of bullying Eva is victim to, is actually really serious. I believe she has it the worst out of all the Evas. To recap: She has been abandoned by all her friends except for Nora. People are talking about her and pointing at her. People throw notes at her, and she is the victim of 24/7 cyberbullying, which involves a picture of the Eva/Cristian kiss and defacing the pictures posted to her ig. This has been going on for around a week. Tyler Clementi, to name a notable victim of cyberbullying, suffered under similar circumstances.  

So, since Nora is speaking from personal experience, how severe was the bullying she suffered in Madison, the bullying that makes her say that, “in the US, being a freak, is a lot worse” than what Eva is experiencing. Some viewers felt that Nora was minimizing the bullying Eva was going through, as Nora only mentions namecalling, being nicknamed Joan of Arc. Spanish teen viewers (the target audience) felt that Nora was exaggerating what “being a freak” is like at an American high school. That is because Spanish teens’ knowledge of American high school comes from, you guessed it, TV shows and movies. In particular, a movie that was brought up in the comments to the clip was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. When this movie was dubbed for Spaniards, the title was translated as “Las ventajas de ser un marginado” (Perks of being marginalized). Now, you will agree that being marginalized is a lot stronger than being a wallflower, and so that led to the impression from certain viewers that being bullied in the US is a glamorous affair where your best friends are Ezra Miller and Emma Watson, you eat cannabis brownies, drive through tunnels for the aesthetics and go to school dances.

In short, this clip attempted to broach the topic of bullying in the US as compared to bullying in Spain, to an audience who has no real references of what American high school culture is like, outside of American popular culture. And to do so, they gave an unrealistic example (American students using Joan of Arc as a demeaning nickname), failed to explain why Nora would feel that bullying at US schools is “a lot worse” than what Eva is experiencing (which barely holds up as an argument, as what Eva is going through has led students in the US to grievous harm), and led more educated viewers to wonder about the extent of the bullying Nora went through. And while bullying at American high schools is an important topic, should that be a topic that Skam ESPAÑA deals with? Is it relevant to the average Spanish teen’s experience? Personally, I feel like the writers may have bitten off more than the show can possibly chew, with this narrative choice, which informs Nora’s character as it is her backstory.

On a lighter note, Nora compares Eva to a dog, which should imply her stance on dogs isn’t so hard-line. The word she uses, “galletitas,” can mean a number of different things in Spanish. Generally speaking, “galletas” are cookies, but they may also be biscuits, salty crackers, or yes, dog food. I went with “kibble” to keep to the dog-related teasing.

Again, the characters suggest that Eva talks to her mom, but she doesn’t. As I mentioned, this is generally true of Spanish teens (we aren’t a hivemind after all), and more specifically, of bullying victims. One of the biggest issues about bullying in Spain is that victims take up to a year to tell their parents.  

CLIP 2: Learn English with Skam España

Okay, so this is definitely more about the effects on bullying than culture or translation anymore. Is everyone in that library talking about Eva? At this point, it no longer matters for either Eva or the viewer. The bullying she has gone through so far has made it so that both Eva and the viewer now feel paranoid that everyone is talking shit about Eva while Eva is present. Maybe those guys are just checking 9gag! But since they took out their phones at the same time Eva got an IG notification, it feels like they are definitely mocking Eva. I thought Eva’s actress was great through the entire bullying arc, and I liked that Skam España expanded on the bullying sl from the og, so that we could get a fuller portrait of the effects of bullying on their victims.

¿Con qué estás? (“What are you studying?”): The literal translation would be, “What are you with?” I.e. What subject are you working on right now.

When did Amira take that Bio test? She’s supposed to be in Eva’s group (we saw her in the third clip and she’s also on the Science track), but of course, that test was all about Eva and Lucas’ friendship angst.

Phrasal verbs are the bane of every ESL student’s existence, Cris included.

No seas plasta (“don’t be a pain in the ass”): “Plasta” is a synonym of “pesado/pesada,” which I already covered in an earlier post. It literally means “flattened mass.”

Me cago en la puta (“shit on a whore”): More pooping! Now we’re pooping right on top of prostitutes! But yeah, that’s the literal translation and, you know, sometimes you want to find the closer English equivalent, and other times, you just want to make sure people understand who or what we’re pooping on this time. Cris is really frustrated with her English skills, so she uses one of the stronger pooping variations.

This was one of the clips that were most fun to translate, for the challenge of translating an English quiz to English.

CLIP 3: Mess

Es que ya hay que tener mala hostia (“You really gotta be a fucking asshole”): “Tener mala hostia” is the stronger versión of “tener mala leche” (literally, to have bad milk). A person with “mala leche” is someone who acts in bad faith, a malicious or a bad-tempered person. The idiom comes from the idea that a mother’s breastfeeding milk can have an impact on her person’s temper or personality. “Hostia,” as we’ve covered, is the sacramental bread used for the ritual of the Eucharist, but it’s used more commonly to mean a smack across the face.

Cris makes a point of singling out the person who first uploaded the pic to instagram. When I link Skam España to people, I point out that they should also follow the social media posts, and here’s the reason. If you follow the social media posts, you already know who first uploaded the picture to instagram. It was Inés. The hate ig took it from her stories, cropped it, and posted the first meme. The sequence of events is clear if you followed the show in real time. However, if you bingewatch the episodes and don’t follow social media, you get the impression that, at this point, how the Eva/Cristian picture made it to the hate ig is a mystery. And also, that whoever uploaded it first (who we know to be Inés) is the one with beef against Eva. And, well, there’s beef of the level of “I uploaded a compromising pic to my stories to be a dick” and beef on the level of “I’ve vandalized all your pictures, turned you into a meme and covertly filmed you at school.”

This confrontation is so odd when you consider that, unlike the og girl squad who didn’t know about the letter written in period blood, the Spanish girl squad suspects the second years of being behind the hate ig. In fact, they know the girls have pulled similar shit before. And, best of all, Cris actually hooked up with one of them, so you’d think Cris’ presence might help matters?

The second year girls have a different Maths teacher. This one is a guy. The girl squad’s Maths teacher is a woman.

I find it funny that Rubén was suspended for three days for fighting with ALEJANDRO, but ALEJANDRO was not punished himself.

I just noticed that there should be an “into” in the sentence, “People are huge assholes and anything can turn INTO a joke to laugh your ass off.” Oops.

CLIP 4: Failing grade in Biology and in Friendship

As noted in the subs, in Spain we’re graded on a 0-10 scale. 5 is the passing grade. Lucas got an 8, which is considered a “notable” grade, but not “outstanding” (those are grades over 9). Eva got a 3, which is well below 5. Much like Isak, Lucas is good enough in Biology that he does well in surprise exams. He seems to be resentful of what this grade might do to his GPA though, lol.

Lucas says that his mom was hysterical after his dad left, but the language he uses doesn’t make it explicit that his mom is mentally ill. The writers may or may not keep this part of Isak’s background. Thought I’d mention that since we know at this point that they have no issues giving the Skam España characters entirely different backgrounds. So far, it’s clear that Lucas’ parents fight a lot and that his home life is massively impacting Lucas’ mood and life, but we don’t know what the fights are about.

¿Para esto vienes de buenas a hablar conmigo? (“Is this why you talked to me like nothing happened?”): “de buenas” is kind of tricky to translate. You can come at someone “de buenas” (good) or “de malas” (bad). If you come at someone “de malas,” it means you’re already on a bad mood when you start a conversation, or you’re angling for a fight. On the other hand, if you come at someone “de buenas,” it means you’re in a conciliatory mood, or trying to avoid a fight.

CLIP 5: Hi privileges

Comiéndoos la boca (“Sucking face”): Inés actually says that Jorge and Eva were eating each other’s mouths. This is a common Spanish idiom, by the way!

El insta es muy jodido (“Insta is a mindfuck”): Eva says that Insta is “really fucked up,” as in, it does a number on one’s mental health. I went with “mindfuck” to get to the point of what Eva means, but keeping the swear word.

Eva asks Inés why she stayed friends with Jorge, but not her. I saw some commentary to the tune of, “why did they add that bit of dialogue? It adds nothing to the conversation, we already know this.” Personally, I think it’s good that they added it, because it’s a good starting point for a discussion, and particularly when it comes to the s2 storyline. Skam has gotten massive kudos for promoting sorority and friendship between girls. However, the s2 storyline is about Noora being forced to choose between her friend and a boyfriend. Vilde never dated William, but the storyline shares some of the same elements: Eva is torn between a guy she likes who likes her back, and her friend who is in love with that guy. So is Noora. Skam offers two outcomes to that scenario. Eva’s decision results in her expulsion from her friend group, while ultimately the girl squad friendship is stronger after Noora’s season.

Inés says she assumed that boyfriends come and go, but that she thought she’d stay friends with Eva forever. Was Eva Mohn right in choosing a boyfriend over her best friend? Was Eva Vázquez (since, thanks to the bonus clip, we know more of how Eva and Jorge got together)? Was Inés right to hold a grudge against Eva? And if she was right to do so, was she right to not hold a grudge against Jorge?  Is it ever okay to choose a boyfriend over your friends?

Again, if you haven’t kept up with the social media, Inés’ apology may seem confusing. It seems like she admits to being the person behind the hate ig, but then why would she not take credit for the meme? The first profile to make a meme out of the Eva/Cristian pic was eva_la_z0rra (or eva_the_s1ut). That’s because Inés is not behind the hate ig. She just uploaded the pic to her stories. I have noticed that people who didn’t keep up with the social media posts assume Inés took responsibility for the hate ig, which is interesting. You could watch og Skam without the social media posts and the story would be exactly the same than if you’d watched it with the social media posts. Social media added characterization details. When it comes to Skam España, you come away with two very different conclusions as to who ran the hate ig, depending on your level of investment (reading and watching everything vs just watching the episodes).

Retirar el saludo (“to snub someone”): This idiom doesn’t come up in the clip itself, but it gives cultural context to Eva and Inés’ conversation. In the course of a day, we say hi to everyone we know that we come across. We don’t necessarily stop and have a conversation, but we acknowledge them with a “hi” or a “how are you doing.” In Spain, we have a specific idiom for when someone’s fucked up and has lost their “hi” privileges. This is “retirar el saludo” (literally, “to remove the greeting”). Through the conversation, Eva seeks to get her “hi” privileges back, and eventually Inés agrees she will say “hi” to Eva when they see each other at school/around the neighborhood/at parties or botellones. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll stop to talk and catch up, but Eva now gets to be told “hi.”  

Social media: 

Cris turned 16 this week! I love that the writers specifically picked her birthdate so that it would fall on a day where the girl squad was still broken up. Needless to say, people were very salty in the comments, heh.

I’ve liked the way Skam España has referenced the og with similar social media pics, Kose Club, and song choices. Referencing songs from the og on insta is actually clever as it helps them circumvent music license issues, lol. That said, I think naming the Spanish girl squad after the og girl squad name Las Losers would be far too much. I hope they leave it at that, just a reference on a text update.

[morphoportis]

Riots. - Chapter Two: Please...

Summary: After finding Bane wounded and dying in Gotham City Hall, you have to make a decision. Your friends or him?

Pairing: Bane (TDKR) x Reader

Word Count: 2022

AO3: Riots. - One / Two

tumblr: Riots. - One / Two

Warnings: Lots of swearing

Author’s Note: So here it is, the second chapter! I hope it’s not too boring? I really know how to drag things on, don’t I? Hahaha! (Also tumblrs formating is pissing me off. XD) And again: English is not my first language.

(Y/NN = Your nickname) (Found the gif on giphy!)

Chapter Two: Please...

Bane's grip was awfully tight around your neck and you were a 100% sure, even in his weakened state, this man was able to break it with one simple and swift move. For a split second you thought about ways to free yourself from his hand but another thing you were pretty sure about was, that he'd catch you by your hair.

“Seriously? I'm just trying to help you, man”, your mouth complained before your brain could actually rate the words coming out of it as a teensy bit inept. Nice. Way to get yourself out of this mess. To be honest, you had never been someone to shut their pie hole when situations required it.

Bane's eyes practically shot daggers at you. Stare still. Somewhat furious... but there was something else in them. Something you couldn't quite place. Fear? Pain? Confusion?

Bane was confused. What initially had triggered his reflex to defend himself, that no one could be trusted and everyone was just out to get him... there  was nothing of it in your eyes. Assessing your motives, something told him, you meant every word you said. It was odd and frankly he was surprised by himself when he felt the muscles in his arm and hand shift.

You felt his fingers loosen and were able to pull away. Not trying to panic, you breathed in and out. In and out. While rubbing your neck. You could still feel the pressure of his fingers on your skin. If there was one feeling you hated, it was that of being physically restrained or downright inferior. Honestly, you had assumed this was the last time of you being cheeky in a situation like this. He could have hurt you so easily.

Now it was your turn to look somewhat confused and you were about to speak when you heard footsteps moving quickly down the stairs in the large hallway of the entrance. One pair halted in the door frame of the room you recently occupied and you turned your head around to see who it was. “You were right, Y/NN. An absolute waste of time and energy. Maybe a couple of pieces of furniture but too big and heavy to actually keep this a short time visit”, Cable, who's given name was actually Greg, admitted.

Told you so, crossed your mind for a moment but being sassy was not the major priority right now. “Look what I found though...”, you uttered and nodded into the direction of the almost lifeless body laying in front of you. Cable not being able to see what you meant, came closer.

“Shit! Is that... Bane?”

“Yes, and-”

“Fuck!”, he crossed the rest of the room and came to a halt next to you. “Wow, someone beat him up well”, a bemused snicker escaped Cable's lips.

“I need your help.” Another confused look.

“With what?”

“We need to get him out of here”, matter of factly.

“Excuse me?!... No, this... nah”, Cable pulled a face and lifted his hands in a defensive motion.

“He needs help or he'll die, Greg!”

“Sorry doll, but this is too risky for me... getting caught with him... and to be honest... he already looks fucking dead.” In any other situation you would have not let his degrading nickname for you slip past.

“That's because he's dying, you stupid fuck!”, you felt your face getting heated.

Cable put on his helmet and shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe it's better that way”, it seemed like he thought that now was his turn to sound matter of factly, as he put on his motorcycle gloves.

There it was. Your breaking point. The anger rushing from your head through your whole body, had you up in no time, when you both heard a voice yelling his name. It sounded urgent. Maybe someone from the group had turned on police radio and they weren't far.

In just one or two seconds more, a whole lot of things happened. Inside your head at least. In milliseconds your mind raced through your memories and replayed moment after moment you had spent together with the group. Things had been nice at the beginning. Nice and simple. You all had had the same goal. Or so you had thought it seemed. Sure, none of you was a saint in all of this but was this group still what you initially had joined it for? Were you all still on the same page? Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor? The last couple of heists had ended pretty violently and you had done nothing to prevent or stop it. You were as guilty as them.

Was that still you? What had happened to the girl calling people out on their bullshit? Even physically fighting for people who needed help? Fighting school yard bullies, mobsters, men who couldn't keep their hands to themselves?

So much more rushed through your mind. Situation after situation that had you made feel more and more alienated and cut off from the others. Had you overthink and doubt everything you were doing. Into all of this you felt fury pouring in. Was that guy in front of you still that chill dude you'd hooked up with a few times? Right now he was a bit too chill for your taste. If you thought about it, you had never gotten to know any of them, really. Who was to say Greg hadn't been a complete ass before, already? But refusing to help someone who was dying? This was it.

“Piss off.”

“What?”

“You heard me right, Greg. Piss off”, you almost spit in his face. Another cold shrug of his shoulders and he was gone out the door. A couple of moments later, the sound of engines could be heard and every other second if faded away gradually.

Your eyes fell back to Bane's face. Okay... you knew where to get him, you only needed a plan to get him out of here. Preferably as fast as possible. The sirens of police cars could be heard far in the distance of the city. Turning your gaze from the man's eyes, yours scanned the room yet again. This time for something that could be of use but nothing seemed obviously helpful in your endeavours or trigger an idea.

Quickly your feet carried you out of the room, the building and to your motorcycle. Without thinking twice, your hands opened the hatch at the back of the small trailer that was connected to your bike and emptied all the stolen valuables on to the street. So, now you knew how to transport the masked man. Just not how to get him down here. His injury was probably way too severe for him to waste too much strength on carrying his own weight.

“Think, think, think!”, you said out loud and gave your forehead a few good pats. Again your feet started moving. It had always been like that since you had been a child. Either your feet knew where to lead you or walking helped you to get your brain into motion as well, ideas flooding in. This time they made you pace up and down next to your bike. And you were about to give up on their stimulating support this time and go back inside, when your feet made you trip over something and fall hands first down on the pavement. Looking back at what had caught your two fellas attention, your eyes spotted a rolled up rug. You knew you could always count on them.

This morning you had taken the rug from the house of a guy who had the walls of his home plastered with photos of himself. The only face you found was a movie poster from The Big Lebowski right above a cosy sofa with a rug in front of it that tied the room together. You had to take this thing with you just to simply fuck with this wanna be playboy. It had been more of a meta joke to take it but you never thought the sight of a rug could've made you feel inspiration, excitement and relieve. You quickly got up on your feet again.

Bane hadn't expected to see your face ever again when you had left, so he did what this cruel world had made him exceptionally good at. Surviving. He knew his chances were small, certainly non-existent, but if he'd be able to block out the pain, as his mask partly did for him and as he was trained to do in greater detail and intensity all his life, he might could get a few blocks away from here. There he would die in the darkness, hidden from the world, he was sure. Anything was better than being in the hands of the police. Getting thrown in a cage again.

As he was about to slip into some kind of trance, to disassociate himself from the pain in his body, he felt something from the outside pulling him back. A physical impulse. And a voice. Muffled. The voice started sounding clearer as he shifted his mind back to reality again, clinging to the pain to guide him back. “Bane!”, he opened his eyes to the sound of his name. And there it was again. The face of that girl.

And there he was again. You exhaled deeply with more than some relieve. The moment you had seen him with his eye lids closed, you had feared the worst. Feared? What kind of thought was that? And what was he to you anyway? A terrorist? Scratch that. Someone who was about to die infront of your eyes and you couldn't let that happen, could you? No matter who he was.

“I'm really sorry about this...”, you apologised in advance for the increase of pain he was going to feel from what you had in mind. You rolled out the rug next to him, fuzzy side down. This way it would function as a poor excuse of a stretcher you could drag across the sleek marble floor and thus be able to get someone his weight out of here. “You've got to help me a bit to get you onto this thing”, you explained. For a moment you could see the hesitation in his tense body, the suspicion in his eyes. The sirens of the police cars cut through the silence between the two of you. Definitely closer than before. You held out your hand to grab. “Please...”, a whisper. Almost pleading.

Heavy breathing grew heavier as Bane's hand grabbed yours. Luckily you weren't opposed to work heavy physically and nature had you made with a bit of counterweight anyway, so you weren't pulled down by his. Together you managed to get him on the rug, his agitated breathing was the only sign of pain you could read off of him, and you wasted no time to pull on it. It wasn't as easy as you had wished it to be, with all the rubble specking the way out. Tomorrow you'd definitely have sore muscles but that was a ridiculous price you were willing to pay to get both of you out of all of this. Alive.

The stairs were the short way but no option, so you played it safe and dragged him down the long wheelchair ramp at the outside. As soon as you reached the back of the trailer and hold out your hand another time, Bane's already held on to it. Either way he had realised how close the cops were now or... no, don't you think like that, Y/N! You scolded yourself while you helped the man who was easily a head taller than you and built like a brick wall into the vehicle. With a few quick movements you fastened the top cover to hide Bane from eventual encounters with the officials and other folk, and hopped onto your bike. A good and precise kick to the starter and you fled the scene.

______________________________________________

Taglist: @markusstraya

[reyridinghood]

How about 2, Royal AU, & 53, Mutual pining, for Reylo? :)

The Royal Treatment, Part II

No warnings apply! Ao3 Link

Rey adjusted her hat to shield her from the bright Alderaanian sun that was beating down on the bright green fields, the picturesque mountains framing the bright green grass of the polo field as the cluster of horses sped past the tents. Prince Ben - as she now knew him - was deep in concentration as he whacked the ball away from Prince Armitage of Arkanis and to Lord Dameron for a goal that tied up the two teams. Both princes were brilliant strategists and it was a thrilling battle of wits to watch the leaders square off in a game that had been neck and neck the entire time. The match was nearing its end now, and most people’s eyes were glued to the action. Rey’s eyes, however, wouldn’t leave Prince Ben.

He was a fine specimen of a man, finer than she had ever known. Wisps of raven hair peeked out from under his helmet, and the blue and gold colors of the Alderaan Royal House complimented him unbelievably well. She adored watching him play, though she herself had always been more of a show jumper. In addition to the handsome scowl it brought to his face, the way he twisted and turned and commanded his horse showed off every taught muscle in his body - but especially those of his thighs, their thickness and strength only accentuated by the high boots and tight white breeches.

Oh no. She thought to herself. Not staring at him. Not again.

This was a trap she fell into often since commencing a friendship with the Prince of Alderaan. After narrowly avoiding a media circus being brought to her small town of Niima, Ben had wrote to her to thank her for the book and allow him to make it up to her. He had more than done so, inviting her to stay as a guest of the royal family and attend teas, galas, and various other social events. She’d stare at him no matter what he was doing, no matter what he was wearing, no matter who he was with. He was just so handsome, and kind, and generous with people, despite the enormous amount of pressure he was under and the emotional toll it could take on him. Rey would console him through his personal ups and downs, and that made them grow close. Closer than Rey cared to admit.

Ben was her friend. She couldn’t take advantage of him like that. Even if a small kingdom on the French and German border that he was destined to be in charge of wasn’t part of the equation.

She pulled her eyes to Lord Dameron, working hard at trying to score, and Sir Finn, who was an excellent defensive. Yet her eyes kept drifting towards the prince, looking tall and regal and staring right at her as their eyes met. He flashed a smile at her, with a slight nod of the head, and she returned it with a feverish blush that she prayed he couldn’t see from that distance.

It was at that moment that Prince Armitage swooped in and stole the ball away from Ben, whacking it towards Lord Mitaka, who fumbled a bit. The two princes were now engaged in a battle to see who could claim the ball first as the clock ran out, but Ben’s horse wasn’t quite fast enough, allowing his rival to once again pass the ball to Mitaka. Arkanis had scored the winning goal, and Rey and Ben’s moment had just cost Alderaan the match.

She wanted to run and hide knowing her staring had distracted him, that the other nobles would consider her the bane of their existence, that they would shun her from court and convince the prince that she wasn’t worthy of being friends with. But no one seemed to notice as the press and courtiers flooded the field in a jolly manner to have their time of notoriety with His Royal Highness. He seemed to be scanning the crowd, using his height to his advantage as he ignored the groups of people, but what he was searching for, Rey couldn’t tell.

She elected to stay behind under the shadows of the tents in solitude while the disappointment of the loss passed. Her plan would have worked had it not been for one very eager friend of hers seeking her out.

“You should tell him.” Miss Rose Tico, her right-hand woman back on the Tuanal Manor Estate said, with her arms impatiently crossed.

Rey’s expression was blank, but the shakiness of her breath betrayed her true emotion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh come on. ” Rose rolled her eyes. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. Everyone has seen the way he looks at you. I’m surprised there isn’t more gossip about you two in the papers. I know Lord Dameron has a betting pool on when you two will get engaged.”

Rey scoffed. “His Royal Highness isn’t busy wooing the Hapan Chumeda or the Princess of Naboo or the Grand Duchess of Mandalore?”

“Are you daft, Rey?” Rose said, utterly gobsmacked. “Everyone knows those meetings were absolute disasters because the eligible bachelorettes knew about his affection for you.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Your moment ten minutes ago wasn’t seeing it enough for you?”

Rey could feel the flush returning again and veered the subject away from that. “I don’t have what they could offer him.”

“Do you forget you have a title?”

“Vicountess of Jakku is a British title. And besides, I don’t have money to go along with that title.”

“Neither do either of them if their country’s treasury doesn’t approve their spending. And they aren’t Alderaanian so you’re even.”

“I don’t speak German.”

“You could always learn? Always? Plenty of time for that? You have French and English down marvelously, two out of three of the official languages is a good place to start.“

“Well then I’m just not-”

“Enough?” Rose threw her hands up in the air. “Don’t start with that talk, My Lady. Just because you haven’t lived a traditionally royal lifestyle that doesn’t mean you aren’t clever or sophisticated or exceptionally beautiful. I’m sure His Highness thinks you’re refreshing. We all do, but him especially. He cares about you, Rey, and even if he doesn’t have feelings for you, you still should tell him to clear the air - although trust me, he reciprocates.”

Rey loathed to admit it, but Rose was right. She had to tell him, but she could see him be absolutely mobbed by the crowds.

“Rose, how do you think I should go about getting him alone?”

Rey couldn’t help but fidget as she waited in the Royal Stables, pacing back and forth, smoothing the ends of her skirt as she went over what she was going to say in her head over and over again.

“Lady Rey?” A deep baritone inquired as the very object of her affection came up behind her, the clip clop of his horse’s hooves accompanying them.

Alright, maybe they wouldn’t be completely alone, but at least there would be no other humans around.

“I missed you after the match today.” He said with a soft smile, wisps of his dark hair curling down over his forehead and framing his gorgeous golden brown eyes. “Let me just put D’Artagnan in his stall and we can chat, alright?”

She nodded, still unable to find her voice somehow. All she could do was watch as Ben pulled the chocolate brown steed into his quarters, gingerly patting him for a job well done and leaving some fresh treats in his trough before locking up for the night.

“Now, what was it you wanted to discuss?” He leaned on the stable wall to meet her height a little more, but the fact that he still towered over here made Rey want to melt on the spot.

“I-I wanted to apologize for distracting you during the match today. I’m afraid I cost us the win.”

“What?” He chuckled. “No, no. Please don’t worry. It was a charity match, the only winners are those in need who benefit from the proceedings. Though Armitage would tell you otherwise. He is insufferable when he loses, so I would say it worked out the best way possible for everyone.”

Rey giggled at that, and he continued speaking. “Though you are quite the distracting presence…”

His eyes locked with hers, and once again she felt herself entranced by their whiskey brown color. It was hard to decide if the minutes they passed drinking in the sight of each other were agonizing or pleasurable, but Rey had to break the silence all the same.

“I should tell you something.” They said, nearly at the same time, before the Prince deferred to her in a gentlemanly fashion.

She stood up a little straighter. “You’ve been so kind to me in these past few months, Your Highness.”

“Ben.” He corrected. “It’s always Ben to you, My Lady.”

“Right…Ben.” She hadn’t truly called him that since they first met while he was incognito, but she liked the sound of it and how it felt on her tongue, how it sounded in her own voice. “I have come to greatly enjoy our camaraderie, and your hospitality at the palace has been unparalleled to any I’ve known. But I find myself…thinking of you. All the time. Wherever I go, whatever I do. And I can’t stop myself.”

“Really?” He replied. “Do that many things remind you of me?”

“Yes. No. Possibly? I have enjoyed myself immensely in your company, Ben. Yet I can’t help wonder what it would be like if we were to…become…involved… romantically. You see, I’ve developed - mmm!”

She could do nothing but let out a little squeal as Ben’s one hand cradled the back of her neck, the other her waist as he pulled her towards him, sealing their lips in a kiss. One that made her head spin, left her in a dreamlike state with its soft and gentle nature. It was chaste, but comforting and caressing all at the same time.

“I’m sorry.” He said, bashful as he pulled back. “That was um…”

“Perfect.” She finished. “Don’t apologize for giving me what I was hoping for.”

He chuckled. “Good, good. Because this brings me to what I was about to ask you. Lady Rey, you seem to be aware of all that goes with this life, but despite all the trappings and trials of royal life, would you be willing to acknowledge your feelings for me and enter into a courtship?”

She was still a bit breathless from the kiss, but even more so from this proposal. “Of course.” She breathed.

“Excellent. I’ve been wanting to ask you since I first laid eyes on you in the bookshop but…I had no idea if you returned my feelings. Or wanted any of this lifestyle, I know it’s a lot to handle.”

“I don’t care about the lifestyle.” Rey responded, cradling his cheek. “I only want you. And whatever that brings with it I’m willing to brave.”

He gently took her hand off his face and brought it to his lips, kissing it reverently before entwining their fingers together. “Thank you. You’re the strongest person I know, Rey. I wouldn’t be the ruler-to-be I am today were it not for you.”

She snuggled into his side as they began walking. “You’re plenty strong on your own, Solo. Or is it Skywalker? Or Organa? You have so many middle and last names it’s hard to keep track.”

He chuckled. “You can choose whatever combination of names you want. But just know that Benjamin Lucas Anakin Organa Solo, of House Skywalker, is yours completely.”

[kaeppsong-your-life]

Shadowhunters 2x18 review/thoughts/feelings

I don't do these publicly at all, and I have no friends to talk about it so I just threw all I felt here. It came out horribly long but I needed to let it out. I’m no expert by the way, and english isn’t my first language so go easy on me. Let me know what you guys think! Maybe I’ll do another for the next episode if I feel like it. 

I applaud Amanda Row and Jamie Gorenberg for executing an episode so wonderfully, first and foremost. The amount of attention of detail and overall “groundness” is phenomenal. The lighting was perfect in almost all the scenes (something that I undeniably had an issue with in 2a but has gotten so much better in 2b), not only because you could actually see the people in the screen but because it added to the emotion of the scenes. The music selection was just great and the editing was smooth. These are things that people don’t realize really affects viewing experience. Lighting, music and editing play a large roll on the emotions the creator wants viewers to feel and it was so well executed so THANK YOU for that, really. 

There were many things happening in this episode so I’ll go one by one, not really in chronological order. 

We have Maia and Simon dealing with a mundane-turning-werewolf. A very interesting topic because it adds more knowledge on how this world works, hence expanding it in my opinion. The only people we’ve seen experiencing such a physical change has been Simon. Clary as well, but she kinda upgrades into something that is revered. I absolutely love that they didn’t leave it at that and they used this opportunity to delve more into Maia’s character. Alisha performance was on the nose in her monologue, and it’s this scene that makes Maia a regular in the show. I saw some people who haven’t read the books asking why she is to become so and I believe this will shone light as to why.  Her past (hopefully) makes viewers understand why she is the way she is, why she seemed to see the worst immediately in the people around her and why she cares and respects Luke and the pack. She isn’t just a character there to push the plot anymore, the plot will not be able move without her eventually and this was a great way to start bringing her in. I loved it. (Also, Jordan can choke....for now)

While on the topic of werewolves we have Luke proving his alpha status when he is challenged (to the death) for the position. Did anyone doubt he wouldn’t come through? I didn’t, but it was so needed to see on screen. Luke is known to be wise and maure (expect when it comes to keeping certain important meetings in places where they should be held- a more hidden place, maybe? One that no random mundanes can stroll into?) and it showed how he is a great leaders for the wolves. I just truly hope in season three we explore why is that, because I stand by my belief that it has a lot to do with the fact that he was a shadowhunter before a downworlder. His character is so complex and needs to be addressed more, please and thank you. 

In the Institute things are tense. Since the show’s main plot  is about the mortal instruments, I’m so so so glad we finally got to it. We’ve been running in circles for long enough in my opinion and wow, did they not disappoint. Let’s be real, the whole mortal instruments and Valentine’s schemes are very complicated and not easy to unfold so I was worried, but it was great. I actually really liked that they went with the ruse of the compact mirror because it added a bit of humor (all of this for a compact mirror, really?) and throwing off us book readers for a bit.

Oh, Jonathan. It was lovely to see you actually panic, even if it was just a little while. Will’s acting is so good, wow! I can’t believe the way he just grabs your attention and makes you feel pity, disgust and rage all the same time. He is taking on a massively complex character and puling it off magnifically. I have no idea how he does it but he makes viewers experience Jonathan, not just watch him. We are not physically in the story but I bet I’m not the only one that feels like he makes me feel like I’m with him. He is terrifying and you feel it to your bones when he is on screen, I love it. 

What I don’t love is how he hurts our youngest (possibly smartest) Lightwood. In true @abnormallyadam​ fashion, “don’t fuck with the Lightwoods.” (A motto that I feel would be the focus of the next episodes). Max ends in critical condition and the tension can be felt strongly. I feel like Jonathan got too cocky (serves him) when he thought he would die on his own, and our baby is alright. I personally don’t know how I feel about this per se yet. I’m very torn, as a person with a heart I’m glad an innocent kid gets to live, but I also truly belief that the Lightwood’s need his death to develop more, especially Isabelle. We’ve explored the cheating and the horrible way of raising and caring their children. Besides dealing with the clave against their morals, there isn’t mush else to get into right now, a sense of revenge and guilt and strength at full scale would be great. However the show’s not done, he might still die...or maybe he doesn't and their sense of family is so deep that just this injury and close call is enough to propel them into the path I want them to take.

IMPORTANT: I’m aware Jace got the least screentime and it’s easy to gloss over the little scenes he had but I love the way he reacted to this situation. We’ve spent this whole season with him dealing with his identity and the way he was just as affected by Max’s situation as the rest of the family speaks volumes. Dom has said this but this really shows how no matter the last name, Jace is a Lightwood. This is his family, he cares for them and would do anything for them. His character plays off the bad boy and cocky part well but deep down he is just this kid that was abused as a child by the person he believed was his father, only to be given away. These people took him in and gave him everything and he doesn’t give a damn about no mortal instrument when his family comes to harm. 

Clary is smart, I’ve always known this. She was great in this episode, not annoying but smart and actually productive (wow). I’m so pleased with the way she handled her brother. I was afraid she would continue with the whole redemption thing but holy shit the girl didn’t hesitate!!! I’m so proud of her. Clary is a character that has so much potential, but past writing has made her come off and annoying and jarringly in the way. Hope this rationally and smart lady stays around. 

And now, to the shit that actually made me sit down and write this: Magnus (Not malec per se, sorry).

I’m a huge malec shipper, everyone knows that. It is undeniable how good they are together, this isn’t up for discussion. However, I love Magnus Bane more (that says a lot). 

As a character he is so interesting to me because despite being arguably the most magical in the show, he is so human. He feels and feels and feels. He is so compassionate and good despite having centuries worth of experiences and reasons to be bad, and I feel like this episode put this in the spotlight (finally). Magnus is a leader and as one he has duties to fulfill. Duties that I feel, he has been neglecting. 

Now, I do believe you can have a balance between duty and love, Alec being a perfect example. The guy obviously loves Magnus, but hasn’t turn back from his duty. I feel like Magnus has come to realize he needs to do the same. Through the situation they’re in, Magnus has learned that he can’t focus on love only and I believe that in a future situation that he can’t focus on duty only either. He is smart, he will probably get that balance is key, I just don’t know fast. 

A separation is the least we want for these two but it is time for Magnus to show how human he is. I read somewhere how someone was annoyed at the fact that he walked away because they didn’t believe there wasn’t that big of a reason to do so, and it felt like he was running away cowardly. While I don’t agree with everything in that statement (a conflicting nature of race and ways of living is a big reason to put a relationship on hold) , I do believe there is a part of Magnus that is running away. He is so scared. He loves this shadowhunter so much, more than he expected or has before, and he’s afraid of the power Alec has over him (whether he knows it or not). In other words: CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!! Also, they parting so reluctantly and maturely speaks volumes of the health of this relationship and I'm so glad they didn’t go for a petty route for it. 

The flashbacks were so perfect and needed. Up until now, we’ve all loved malec because we know they are more than a kiss on a wedding or representation on a show and we finally got all that more on screen. Seeing, how much they love each other or better yet, feeling how much they love each other is so needed. I got tears in eyes because of these flashbacks. I got tears, not only because of happiness because of their happiness but because the world now gets to see how a lgbtq+ couple is just two people falling in love, fears and all, not unlike your typical straight couples out there. 

The details in these flashbacks captivated me! I’m so glad I’m not the only one that noticed the way they used a rose, a charm, or just hands to transition seemingly into these beautiful scenes. In them, we see first two people confused on why they trust each other and feel things for a person they are well aware they shouldn’t feel such things for. The long awaited first time, showing how innocently giddy they were to explore each other in a way they hadn’t before. This wasn’t just about having sex, it was about wanting to be as close as possible to a person, the fear with that want, and acceptance. In a way, these flashbacks let us peek into their vulnerability and that is powerful. 

I seriously give it up for Matt and Harry for the phenomenal work they did in this episode. It isn’t easy to have to portray so many drastically different parts of their characters in one episode. Going from sorrowful, conflicted, reluctant and resigned, to guarded and confused; from giddy, happy, and hopeful, to fearful, ashamed, and accepting. Just wow. It was so amazing how you can tell how much they care for this characters and I appreciate that a lot.

I layed in bed yesterday thinking and thinking about this episode and as I write this I’m teary. I am not part of the community, but knowing that people of the lgbtq+ community will look to their screens and finally be able to see themselves in it in a positive light just moves me to tears. I feel a weight in my chest of all the emotion because there are people out there that feel like they are alone and that what they feel is wrong. This episode is for all of you. Here’s to more equality in this show, please, shadowhunters. 

[karenhikari]

Family Life-11 We Have a Plan

Hi! Yes, I know I'm two days late for this update, but there's a reason for it. You see, on Saturday, when I was supposed to be transcribing, my family said "Hell no, we're celebrating New Year's Day" and then I became sick (I still am, a bit, but I had to get this out),

This chapter is very special to me because a) It's little Rafe's first appearence in this story, b) It includes a lot of my personal headcanons about the Lightwood-Bane family, c) It's full of love and fluff.

I have to thank JelloDVDs for the idea for this chapter because it wasn't until I read her story "Saving Catarina" (you should totally go and check it out) that I remembered Catarina is originally from Spain and, therefore, speaks Spain, just like Rafe, and just like me. You should already know I have a soft spot for languages, more so when it comes to my mother language, and since I haven't read a story with a similar theme I decided to write it myself.

Also, a big shoutout for xx ShamiksXa xx, who kindly beta read this one-shot and is a wonderful person.

Magnus and Alec were no strangers to introducing new members to their ever-growing family.

For starters, it had been scarcely two years since Max had been taken into the family, and after that ―well, maybe probably even because of that― they'd also had to add Lily, Maia, and Catarina into the mix.

Until then, it had all worked wonderfully. Sure, Robert still had a few sore spots with Lily, but he managed to be decent around her and while they surely had to work with his relationship with vampires, he had affection to Catarina. Maia was alright, too, as long as there were no transformations in the living room. Overall, they were just fine.

Both Magnus and Alec knew that it might have seemed peculiar, silly even that they allowed ―and had obliged― their second son to call those downworlders "aunts", but they sincerely didn't mind.

In all justice, theirs was a family that consisted of people that had been carelessly tossed away and then picked up to be put back together by a loving hand. It had been like that from the beginning and, as far as they were concerned, those were their children's aunt as much as Isabelle and Clary were.

Besides, Max loved the attention and had no shame whatsoever showing it, which basically meant that the young warlock was a believer that, of course, the more, the merrier.

Rafael, though… Rafael was another story.

The elder boy certainly had a different opinion on the matter, and while both Alec and Magnus wanted to confirm that from the moment they had welcomed him into their house there was nothing he had to fear, much less the introduction to the unquestionable members of his new family, they couldn't blame him.

Thus they had gone slowly, taking baby steps, making pauses when they were necessary and being patient when it came to their eldest son.

That was why they had waited so long before finally starting to introduce Rafael to his aunts and uncles and, of course, Rafael's first appearance into the family had been nothing like Max's, so noisy, so boisterous.

No, far from that Rafael had seen things that Max hadn't, things that, in all honesty, he shouldn't have seen, and he reacted quite differently to crowded places and unknown faces when compared to the young warlock.

For starters, when they had first found him, Rafael had ran from them, first fleeing from Alec's attempts to catch him when he caught glimpse of the boy in the streets of Buenos Aires and then hiding behind the shadowhunter's legs a couple of days later when he met Magnus, too terrified by the newcomer, not only because he was unknown, but mostly because of the amber glimmer of his eyes because, no matter how gentle his voice was, no matter the fact that he actually understood his words as he spoke in Spanish there was something in him, something that set off his alarms.

The nightmares were, too, an issue. It was hard to teach a child trust when all he had known were fear and loneliness.

It had taken three months to make Rafael understand that when someone touched him it didn't have to be accompanied by pain and to get him to stop flinching when one of them offered him their hand. That did not mean that he wasn't scared by sudden movements or that, when he entered a room, the first thing he did was to search for an exit, if given any reason to escape.

As if that wasn't enough, Rafael had a major speech delay, which was not to come in as a surprise, since he had been living on his own since the age of two. Now, of course he didn't speak English, the real problem was… he didn't speak much Spanish either.

And then, naturally, there was the malnourishment and the panic attacks and the tantrums and the screams and–it was getting better, yes it was.

Right then, they could go as much as a week with no incidents of Rafael waking up in screams; right then they had managed to gain enough trust from the child for him to actually slip his small hand into one of his father's when he got nervous.

Rafael had also been gaining weight, and though he was still some pounds under what he should be, they were getting there. And last but not least, the young boy had gone a very long way when it came to speaking, which was probably his greatest achievement then.

Quite honestly, Magnus had a theory that Rafael, either consciously or unconsciously, paid more attention to the grammar of the words he was saying and to their correct pronunciation in favor to push away the fear of how new everything still was, and while that thought was heart-breaking, Magnus couldn't help the pride that blossomed in his chest when he heard Rafael actually speak, with his sweet, whispered voice.

Things were getting better, that much was true,

And, on happier news, if there was one thing that always managed to bring back hope to Alec and Magnus after a troublesome night, that was the fact that, from the very beginning, Rafael had taken a special liking to Max.

It was more than a bit surprising, to say the least, that upon seeing Max's smiley blue face Rafael didn't start screaming, but the sight had been so sweet that Alec and Magnus decided not to think too much about it.

Honestly, they deserved that warming relief after nearly three weeks of worrying because, though they wanted to spare their youngest the feeling of rejection, they couldn't continue traveling back and forth from Buenos Aires to New York leaving Max with Maryse or Izzy or Catarina. The children needed to meet each other.

Magnus and Alec were prepared for fire, for explosions, for screams and tantrums―it was to be expected, after all, Rafael had been terrified of Magnus, whose only visible demon trait consisted in a vertical line for a pupil instead of a circle while Max's was… a little harder to ignore, with the deep blue color of his skin and the horns that had just started to grow out, making him a tad clumsy and forcing him to turn his head all too suddenly, unaccustomed to the weight.

Surprisingly, none of that happened.

It would never cease to amaze them, the couple had decided a long time in the past, that the first time Rafael and Max met, under the very worried eyes of their parents, Max carefully put down by Magnus while Rafael hid behind Alec's legs―that the first time they'd met, when Max, boisterous and trusting as he was immediately jumped from Magnus' grip and wrapped his arms around the terrified shadowhunter… Rafael didn't jerk away or jump in fright.

It had taken Alec a solid half an hour to get Rafael to stop screaming when he'd met Magnus, Magnus, who spoke his language, who had a normal skin color, let alone let the warlock touch him. The couple had expected way worse when it came to Max―it hadn't been so.

For the first three seconds, Alec speculated that perhaps Rafael was too shocked to push Max away, but when by the fifteenth second Rafael's arms, ever so slowly, wrapped around the warlock's shoulders, both Magnus and Alec exhaled sighs of relief.

It had been like that ever since―for some reason that Magnus and Alec neither knew nor questioned, Rafael trusted Max blindly, and the warlock adored his brother. So, when it had finally felt right to start introducing Rafael to other things, trying new foods, taking him out and into crowds more often now that he trusted them not to leave him behind and, overall, the rest of the family, their little blueberry had taken it upon his shoulders to be Rafael's guide.

Of course Magnus and Alec hadn't been able to keep the new addition to the Lightwood-Bane family secret for too long ―with people like Isabelle Lightwood around nothing was easy to hide―, but after they had explained their reasons to keep Rafe away from them for a little longer their relatives had agreed that it was the wisest thing to do.

That, however, hadn't withheld them from asking for pictures and videos so, basically, everyone knew about Rafe and knew him―he just had no idea of who they were.

They had taken baby steps when it came to the family, as they had with everything else.

After six months with them, when they considered Rafael was comfortable and stable enough around them, they had first introduced him to Isabelle and Jace ―mainly because if she was not the first one introduced to the boy, Isabelle was probably going to go berserk on them, and also because I'm your parabatai, Alec, I need to be there―, after two weeks it had come Robert and Maryse's turn, then Clary and Simon's. And then they had run out of shadowhunters.

It was the downworlders' turn now.

They had decided to introduce Rafael to Catarina first, on her own, and then to Lily and Maia.

To say the least, they were worried. It didn't matter that the blue skin had proved not to be an issue in the past, it didn't matter that until then those family meetings had gone perfectly fine―they both could feel their breath stuck in their throats.

Magnus had started pacing in the living room when the doorbell finally rang.

Peering his head from his spot on the couch, Rafael slowly stood up and went to hide behind Alec's legs, who had come out of the kitchen and was now about to open the door of the apartment.

"She's here, aren't you excited?" Alec asked to no one in particular before sighing and, finally, opening the door.

They had warned Rafael that the aunt he was to meet that day was very special and that she was a warlock, with blue skin just like Max's, but there was still no telling to how Rafael would react.

"Rafael, this is Catarina Loss" Magnus explained, placing his right hand on Catarina's shoulder, just to let Rafael know that it was okay to touch her. "She's a very dear friend of―"

"Aunt Cat, aunt Cat, aunt Cat!" Max declared, coming out of the room he shared with Rafael now that he knew the female warlock had arrived.

"Max, thanks for your interruption" Magnus satirized, coming out ignored by everyone but Alexander, who choked down a laugh.

"Ha-ha, I think someone here knows my name" Catarina laughed, kneeling down to hug Max when the toddler wrapped his arms around her legs.

"I do, I do!" Max nodded, before stepping back to take Rafael's hand from behind Alec. "Aunt Cat, this is Rafe" he declared

"Rafe?" Catarina asked gently, her only answer Rafael's shy raise of his eyes.

"Rafe, this is aunt Cat" Max continued, all but dragging his brother away from their father with a small yelp of the shadowhunter. "She has blue skin just like me and she makes the best chocolate cookies―just don't tell that to aunt Izzy."

"Hi," Catarina greeted as Rafael eyed her shyly.

"You are blue" Rafael pointed out as if he didn't yet believe it. "But not like Max, it's… it's más*… just… different" he said, unable to remember the word he wanted to say in English.

"Yeah, my skin is a little lighter, isn't it?" she said, smiling, to what Rafael nodded curtly. "Y también hablo español*" she offered gently, deciding that, perhaps, what Rafael needed to listen to were kind words in his mother language.

As soon as the first word left her lips, Rafael raised his gaze, believing for a second that he had heard her wrong. On her side, she simply winked him an eye.

"¿Español?*" he asked, giving a couple of shy steps towards her.

"I was born in Spain" Catarina explained, to what Rafael nodded once more. "That's where I met your papa."

"She's amazing" Max declared cheerily, causing the female warlock to laugh heartedly.

"Well, that certainly means something coming from the most handsome warlock in here, sweetheart" she chuckled as she tried to reach Max to tickle him, although Max, knowing the trick, shrieked in excitement and jumped out of her grasp.

Turning back to Rafael, Catrina sent him a smile.

"Extrañas el español, ¿no es cierto?*" she asked gently. "You miss Spanish, don't you?"

"Yeah," the shadowhunter nodded. "Papa has tried to teach dad Spanish but he… no aprende nada*" he whispered as if telling her a secret.

"He's a little hopeless, isn't he?" Catarina said, causing the boy to nod vigorously. "I hear you're Max's brother, ah? That makes me your aunt too, did you know?" she continued gently, brushing dark bangs away from his eyes.

Feeling a knot tie itself in her chest as she saw the surprised sparkle that immediately lit in the eyes of the young boy ―as if he hadn't believed it, as if he hadn't stopped to consider that, since she was a part of Max's family, she was part of his family too―, Catarina continued.

"¿Puedo abrazarte?*" she asked, waiting for Rafael to gesture his approval before tenderly wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "I'm so glad to finally meet you" she whispered, pressing a kiss to Rafael's temple before standing up.

"It's nice to see you" Alec welcomed her, now that he had her attention at last.

"It's always nice that you invite me" she replied, already following the Lightwood to the kitchen.

"It's not our fault that you're so busy at the hospital" Alec laughed. "You know you're welcomed to come whenever you want."

"Of course" she nodded. "I promise I'll try to come more often, I-" she stopped, feeling Rafael coyly slip his tiny hand into hers. She smiled down at him to let know it was alright before continuing. "I'm free next Sunday, why don't you all come over to my place?"

"Sounds like a plan to me" Magnus piped in from behind them, Max clapping excitedly in his arms.

"What do you say then, Rafe? Would you like that?" Cat inquired.

"Sí*" he nodded, before switching back to English. "I'd like it very much… aunt Cat."

"Then next Sunday it is. We have a plan, gentlemen" the female warlock laughed.

And they did, didn't they? After all the trials and tribulations, the unexpected appearances and confessions… they had a plan, a plan, and a family.

I seriously love Catarina, just saying.

Anyways, here go my translations. All of the are, of course, Spanish.

*1 más, more. *2 y también hablo español, and I also speak Spanish. *3 ¿español?, Spanish *4 Extrañas el español, ¿no es cierto?, you miss Spanish, don't you? *5 No aprende nada, He doesn't learn anything. *6 ¿Puedo abrazarte?, can I hug you? *7 Sí, yes.

That's all for now, beautiful people, please let me know in the comments if you liked this chapter as much as I did and... read you soon!

[pynchmalecx-blog]

This Love, Chapter 2 - malec

Magnus was passing between the tables delivering the tests of the students. When he got close to mine he handed me my test, brushing our fingers lightly. A light, delicate touch, one of the only types of touch we stole from each other. Magnus was a man of character, he respected me. He did not touch me any more than was right, even if I wanted him to. He was gentle and calm, had never raised his voice to me, had never tried anything without my consent. He was the perfect guy, the kind of guy I dreamed my whole life to meet. And now he was here, and it seemed so stupid that I could not have him.

I looked at my test. I got an A. It was not a privilege, Magnus would not do that. I really liked the language and actually got and A and I did not even study. He smiled at me.

"Congratulations, Alexander," he said, looking down. I lifted my eyes and looked at him smiling.

"Thank you, Mag... Mr. Bane," I say, almost making the same mistake again, calling him by his first name or nickname. He smiled gently and continued to hand over the tests. The rest of the class was normal, we did homework and read texts. Magnus and I exchanged glances when the other students were concentrating on their books. I looked into his beautiful eyes and he smiled so intensely that my heart almost came out of my chest.

The bell rang, telling everyone to go home. I packed up my things and got up but Magnus's voice called me out.

"Mr. Lightwood, may I speak to you for a moment?" He said without taking his eyes off his notebook. I looked at the students around me and waited for them to leave until I went to Magnus's desk.

“Yes?” I asked, pulling up a chair and sitting beside him, instead of sitting in front of him.

“Are you alright?” He asked and I looked at him confused. "You did not answer my text”

I narrowed my eyes and picked up my phone. I opened my messages and I saw that I had a new one from Magnus, it was a simple text like all the others we send. It was a picture of Magnus's dinner, half burnt and half cooked. The caption was "If we get married one day you're the one who's going to make food" and then I giggled. When I stopped laughing I looked at him and saw that he was staring at me, a shy smile on his lips and eyes shining.

”I haven't seen it, I was with my siblings” I told the truth, still laughing at the photo. "You're so bad in the kitchen."

He smiled and closed the books he had on his desk, I noticed his hands and muscles because of the tight shirt. He looked back at me and I rolled my eyes at some other place.

"I know how to do some little things," he said at last, laughing. The sound of his laughter soothed my heart.

We're strangers, I knew. We did not touch each other so much. Sometimes we would nibble at each other's hands, but we were always talking, by message, by phone, and in person. Our relationship was all about communication. I think it's a healthy start. Even if it annoys me sometimes because I just want to hug him.

"You know how to do basic things, you'd be sick of the same things," I said, still laughing. I did not notice as I automatically sat closer to him, pulling up my chair and stopping by his side. Our shoulders touched and I felt the adrenaline of that little touch run through my body, I felt that little scratch on my heart as if our hearts were touching and not just the shoulders. He was also nervous and I felt very happy to know that he feels the same as me. I can see what he feels.

"That's why I intend to marry you," he said, laughing. I laughed too, but I felt my heart burn to hear him say he wanted to marry me. He is so perfect that I think it can not be real.

"You intend to marry me just to make me your culinary slave?" I asked laughing and he laughed too.

"Basically," he replied and I laughed again, I love the way he makes me laugh and the way he makes me happy. I love the way he always respects me and takes care of me. I love the way he sends me affectionate messages and love the way he says things no one has ever told me before. I love the way he's gentle and polite, the way he's smart and calm.

We were silent again, my throat seemed to ache. We were not like that. This silence bothers me, and I'm sure it bothers him. I can see that his feelings remain the same, and he can see mine as well. Sighing, I surprised him as I pulled his hand to mine and laced our fingers together. He looked at me in surprise and I shrugged, holding him tight. My whole body was grateful for that little touch, my soul too. Touching him, the least of it, was incredible. He smiled and lifted our hands together and kissed the palm of my hand. My heart broke. It felt so good to feel his soft lips on my skin, the warm breath coming from his lips touching my hand. I smiled, totally in love, and let my body relax in the chair, just feeling the presence of him and feeling his perfume. We were silent for a while, until we had to leave. We did not want but we were obliged. I walked home thinking about him. I wanted a future with him so much. A future where we are more than student and teacher, a future where he would not be arrested if they knew about us. I wanted him to be my future. I also knew he wanted me in his future. But we had a year ahead of us and there was a little space between us. He was not big but it bothered him. I wanted to know why this is going on. Why did we not talk more like we used to? It is not lack of passion, I know it's not. Maybe we're losing hope, maybe we're tired. But I did not want to get tired of him.

While I was taking the bus home I was listening to music, however, I was not even paying attention. I was remembering how it all began, how Magnus and I met. I drew him by his intelligence and calm image the moment I saw him, but to him I was just another student. I gradually gained him. I thanked him every day for having him in my life. Even if it is hidden and no one knows about this strange relationship I have with my teacher, I was happy to have him. With him, I could talk about anything.

“Come on Alec” Isabelle screamed as I descended the stairs at the speed of a slug. “You start high school today!”

I rolled my eyes, do not blame me I was a teenager at puberty and could not control my emotions. We went to school. I was dying for the shame of meeting people but I ignored them and entered my new class room. All the students seemed normal and all classes with the teachers seemed normal too. At recess I was alone. My brothers were all younger and did not study in the same school as me. I sighed lonely, I was not hungry and then I went into an empty room, put on my headphones and started listening to music. Minutes later the door is opened and a tall, dark man passes by. I felt my heart race. He had beautiful green eyes and little drawers, wore a black suit and held some English books. He looked at me startled and I laughed a little.

"Sorry," I said. "I wanted to be alone and I went into this room. Is there a problem if I stay here?”

He looked at me and smiled sympathetically. I was sitting in the first chair and he sat in the teacher's chair, still smiling. His smile was beautiful, I stared at him for long seconds and when he noticed I was staring at him, I lowered my face, feeling my cheeks warm.

"No problem unless you leave at the time of class or be a student in this class," he said, opening his backpack and taking another book from it along with a notebook and a case. I watched the way his muscles moved against the suit.

“ Is it English?” I asked, looking at his books. He just shook his head in agreement, I looked at my schedule and he said it was English. “ Yeah, it's my next class”.

"You're new, aren't you?" He asked quietly. This college was not just for high school so I understood his question. I nodded my head. "My name is Magnus Bane, I'm the English teacher, and you are?"

"A-Alexander Lightwood" Of course I stuttered.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Alexander." He smiled without malice and I smiled back.

"Everyone calls me just Alec," I said, shrugging my shoulders and avoiding looking into his beautiful eyes.

"I prefer Alexander, if you do not mind," he said, taking a piece of paper from a folder.

"All right," I said softly.

We did not say anything other than that, he just stood there doing his work while I just read my book. His presence was comforting, calm. We both started doing that every day, in the same room. We would always go to the same room in the same place, we would say little things and then we would just be silent while each one did what he had to do. And it was only with that that I fell in love with him, just being every day in his presence, without speaking, without flirting, just being close and seeing his smile, feeling his perfume. That was all it took for me to fall in love with Magnus Bane.