#the apartments/houses in which i grew up dont exist anymore

[magnoliamyrrh]

i want to go home

i dont even know what that means anymore. where is home. the apartment i grew up in had to be renovated. it is no longer my home. not my home with the persian carpets with the old wooden floors with the soviet style kitchen with white flowered tiles stained yellow from years of cooking and smoking the little window i would climb up on to smoke. the apartment where the heating and electricity and water would always go out, the one with the old furniture brought over from before the communist period, with the balcony with the glass edges cracked and broken. there is a school outside of the window where a park used to be, a park where i learned how to bike, where wed jump the fence to sneak into. but now theres no park, and the old trees have been cut to make room for the school, and my childhood friends are married and i havent seen them in years. that apartment is not my home anymore, but the streets still smell the same, have the same graffiti everchanging, all the same gangs of street cats. but its not my home anymore is it? its not my home

and maybe dobrogea isnt either, maybe ive become too foreign and strange for its streets. or maybe not. maybe not, maybe thats where i want to return, to my grandparents little apartment, to the black sea, to the tatar women with their sweets and foods and little stores teaching me how to make jewerly, to my grand grandmothers house and to the graves of my grand grandparents, to dry grass fields. even if now the houses have changed, even if now the fruits and vegetables dont taste the same

but perhaps ive become too foreign and strange. perhaps i dont belong anywhere anymore. perhaps nowhere is home anymore. here its not. perhaps its in the mojave, in the dry desert heat, with the tumbleweed down in the plato under the mountains gaze, with clouds like pantings and the smell of sweet hot sand. maybe thats where i long for, a foreigner in a pitstop to nowhere, maybe thats where my heart has been most settled. but i dont belong there either

home is not here, not in this house and not in this bed, and its not there, and its not there, and its not there

i want to go home. i want to go home all the time. i dont understand what that means anymore

its like im looking for some place which only exists in the hazy eyes of a childhood which didnt exist

i just. want to go home

[smute]

i really wish i had a home... a geographical home. a place with family or even just distant relatives or childhood friends, a place that feels familiar, a place to return to. but i dont

[arthurflecksgirl]

Imagine arguing with Arthur but you are in the same house ... silence all over the place bc you are both angry with each other but then... one of the two of you broke the silence ...

Hey Anon. Thank you so much for your request. I had to find out how Arthur would react to a situation like that and what reason he might have to get upset with you. I really hope you like the result.

The silence that filled apartment 8J was getting hard to bear.

There are different kind of silences.

This one wasnt the sweet kind when Arthur rested his head upon your lap right before he fell into a peaceful sleep.

It was a scary one that weighted on your shoulders and filled the room with sorrow. There was pain in every unspoken word between the two of you. In every breath that escpaed his lips. You couldnt hear him breathe in and out through the closed bedroom door. Which worried you. You got used to hear him breathe. Night and day. Arthur never left your side. Unless he was at work or used the bathroom. Ever since you were together he was with you. Arthur wasnt the type to lock a door behind him to shut you out.

"Arthur? Please! I`m worried about you. Are you okay?" you stood on the wrong side of the door, putting your ear against it, hoping to hear something. That aweful silence crawled under your skin, sending cold shivers down your spine. Why would he do that to you? How could he? He knew that you started to worry about him. Why wouldnt he answer?

"Arthur. Why aren`t you talking to me? This is not a joke anymore okay?"

You finally heard him move. It sounded like he was re arranging the bedsheets.

"Why would you lock the door? Why are you doing this to me?"

You couldnt help but imagin him passed out on the bedroom floor. What if he hurt himself? He had a history of self harm in the past.  Maybe you should just break that door open.

"Listen. I`m going to brak that door open if you dont talk to me, Arthur."

You heard him turning in bed again.

Nothing.

You got back to the living room with so much anger in your heart. Arthur`s silence hurt more than any word could.  He was aware how much it hurt to be ignored. Especially by the one you love the most. He knew how you felt right now but he just doesnt seemed to care. You never experienced him like that before and you didnt even knew why. If only you could understand why he locked himself up in the bedroom without saying a word. He was in there for the last two hours.

Your eyes focused on the tv screen as you sat down on the couch. The Murray Franklin show aired live and he didnt even left the bedroom.

"The Murray Franklin show is on" you yelled through the apartment but nothing could make him come up to you. A tear fell from your eyelids as Murray made his first joke. Arthur would have loved this one. And he just missed it. Because he didnt wanted to sit down beside you. He prefered to be alone.

ALONE.

Being alone was his worsed nightmare and he prefered it over being with you on the couch right now.

Just thinking of that made your heart hurt in your chest. What happened?

You hugged his old pillow which was soaked with tears after five minutes of pressing it against your face. It smelled like him. But you didnt only wanted to smell his pillow. You wanted to smell the crook of his neck. His curls. Arthur was just some feets away from you, but with that closed door and that aweful silence it felt like lightyears away.

That was it. You coudnt stand it anymore. You got up and knocked at the bedroom door. No reaction. You tried to think of something that would make him laugh. Maybe that was a way to get through to him. Humor usually broke the ice. Especially with him.

"Knock, knock" you said, waiting for an answer.

"Yeah right. " he broke the silence "Make a damn joke out of me. "

His words hit you like a gunshot.

"Arthur....what?"

"You heard me. You always do. You always listen, right? Always observing". His voice sounded different. Hurt. Cold even.

"Arthur....what are you taking about?"

"Its okay" he yelled at the door "I`m used to be the clown. Or the freak. Its old news".

You wiped another tear away, looking at the door that seperated you from him.

"Darling, please. Please open that door for me. I dont know what you are talking about? I really need to see if you are okay. Maybe you are having another episode...Let me be there for you, please!"

Suddenly the door swang open. Arthur immeditely turned around without even looking at you, grabbed a cig and got back on the bed. His eyes focused on the ceiling while he started smoking.

You entered the room and took a look around. There was nothing suspicious. Just him in his underwear, lying on his back, taking a deep drag of his cigarette.

But there was something that was different. The look on his face. Like he lost hope. Like he stopped beliving.

You wanted to get up to him but your body froze.  There was something so hurtful in the air. So unfamilar. It cut you like a knife.

"Arthur?"

He closed his eyes and continued smoking.

"You are not a freak. "

He finally looked at you but not in the way you hoped for "Oh yeah? How else would you call a man who isnt able to tell whats real or not?" He threw something to your feet. Your diary. He read your diary.

"You stole my diary?"

Arthur chuckled. It wasnt an amused kind of chuckle. It was one out of desperation "Right. I stole it. Because thats what poor guys do. They all end up thieves. "

"You know what I mean!"

"Sure"

"So you read my diary?"

"Damn right I did" his shaky voice echoed through your veins.

"Thats not okay"

"Its not like you havent read my journal,too. "

"Yeah but with your permission!"

Arthur lit himself another cig "So you read my journal but you wont give me permission to read yours?..."

"No....thats....now what I meant...." you didnt even knew what to say anymore. It seemed like he got every word wrong.

Arthur shook his head "Why havent you told me?" all of the sudden his voice softened again.

"Told you what, Arthur?"

"That you don`t love me anymore?"

His words hurt more than anythign you`ve ever felt before. How could he even say that out loud?

"Wait...what? Artie? What?"

Arthur put the half smoked cig in his pink ashtray, his eyes filled with sorrow as you got up to him and placed your diary on the bed.

"How could you ever think I dont love you anmore? I love you more than anything in this fucked up world!"

Arthur took your diary and searched through the pages. His muscles twitched as he stopped at a certain page. He pointed his fingers to one sentence and read it out loud "Sometimes he looks at me like I am one of his hallucination..." he closed the diary and threw it on the floor.

You felt your eyes watering again. Thats whay he wasnt talking to you for hours.

"You wrote this, right?"

"Arthur...."

"So thats it. You dont love me anymore. I am just a crazy man to you. Just like I am for anyone else. "

Your hand touched his cheek, but he turned his face away. This hurt so deeply.

"You are not a crazy man to me. You are my life. My world. I love you to death, Arthur. You got this sentence totally wrong. I didnt meant that in a bad way. "

Arthur avoided to look at you "You think I cant tell reality and dreams apart? Okay.....sometimes I cant...but....how could you ever think that I dont know that you are real? You are the realest person ever to me. The only realness I have ever had in my fucking life. The only thing I have to hold on to. The only one I trust in. The only person that made me feel real. You made me real. I felt how real I am through your love. I finally knew I existed. And you just go and tell your diary that I am looking at you like you were a damn hallucination of mine. This hurt. Do you have any idea how much you hurt me with that?"

Arthur pulled the blanket up his chin, trying to disappear from your sight as you noticed a tear running down his sad eyed face.

You cried,too. Harder now. You coudlnt even see him clerly through the tears as you pulled him close to you, hugging the blanket in which he was wrapped up in.

"Darling. I am so sorry you felt this way about what I wrote in my diary. I dont know what to say....I am so shocked that you got this the wrong way. I never wanted to hurt you. I never thought of you as crazy. I never thought you think I am not real. I love you. God, I love you so damn much it hurts."

Arthur swallowed hard "But why did you wrote that?"

You got up to get the diary "Have you read any further? "

He shook his head "I stopped at that point. It hurt too much".

You searched for the page and handed it to him "Please continue reading, so you understand what I wanted to say".

Arthur sat up and looked at you. You have never seen him sadder ever before. The dark rings under his eyes grew any minute.

"Sometimes he looks at me like I am one of his hallucinations. ....

Like I am the girl he always dreamed about, he always longed for.

His dream that became true.

And this is how I feel when he touches me.

Like I am all he needs.

And this alone fulfills me.

This alone makes me feel like I found my place in the world.

In his arms.

If only he knew he was my dream all along, too.

I just didnt knew it before I met him."

Arthur pressed the diray close to his chest.

There was silence again.

None of you said a single word.

There was no need for it.

There was only your arms that opened up for him to crawl into.

And this other kind of silence.

The sweet kind.

The one where he puts his head in your lap, right before he falls into a peaceful sleep.

[night-shadowblood-writes2]

The forgotten sibling

Edited: changed name of character and fixed some grammer

Mc is already a person i like to think its short for someones name like Marie Claire or Mason Conner even though i know it means main character (or it could be the reader)☺

Mari is Latina (im hispanic) and she human but i felt like making her an angel here the idea wouldn't get out mah head 😢

If there is errors im sorry its really late here and im tired but i hope you like Part 1 of the forgotten sibling!

I didnt want to go there but was asked specifically by Michael to check on Simeon and Luke's well being as well as gift Diavolo Prince of the Devilmon a wine dated back from the time he once visited the Celestial realm as a gift to show our appreciation and willingness to comply and make the three realms close once again. But he and I both knew what he was doing. Ever since the beginning of the exchange program hes been trying to get me to see my brothers but I refuse to do so so in exchange Luke was sent with Simeon hopefully the little one doesnt cause poor Simeon too much trouble.

They started a war and they fell from grace so I see no reason the be anywhere near them. I lost my older sister Lilith beautiful Lilith i remember her short pink wavy hair and baby blue eyes and her beautiful skin darker than my own but lighter than big brother Mammon's she was a gem of the women but even her beauty was no match for big brother Asmodeus the jewel of the heavens... But orders are order and so I followed though begrudgingly. 'You owe me big Michael' I thought, on the way down I was careful to stap on the cloak that would cover my wings as to not cause uproar or bother the demons there as I was entering their domain. The other two angel also had similar cloaks demons were so easily offended it was sad honestly but it'd save me time and I'd return to kick Michaels butt. And no im not getting a picture of Lucifer if you wanted one come down here yourself feather for brains.

I wait patiently before being called in the bottle of wine fitting snug in a basket with a simple cotten blanket to cover it. If i was known for anything it was my woven basket with thewhite cotton cloth being able to pull anything from existence from it gifting those I favored and helping the poor when the Celestial realm was close to the human realm. When I walk into the room I see all the exchange students as well as the prince and his seven lords all seated. Barbatos moved to offer me a seat but i kinfly refused I wont be here long. The look of suprise on my brothers faces was pure satisfaction especially when I ignored them in favor of tge prince. "Hello Prince Diavolo I am here to check up on the two angel here as agreed upon as well as the well being of the two humans." That part was for myself though the Celestial realm and Human realm were apart my love for humans stemmed from my creator but grew because of my sister and big brother Belphegor.

"Yes hello you must be Mari Michael said you'd be coming my you've grown since I last saw you those thousands of years ago." The prince smiles taking a quick look at the brothers to which I nod my head. "Of course its only natural. I had to grow up quite quickly." I say before pulling out a celestial wine and presenting it to him " A gift for taking good care of our angels as well as the humans. Michael couldn't make it but sends his best regards for the program and hopefully its success." He took it examining it a smile at the date while I turned away to the two I came to see.

"Hello boys" I smile warmly "Mari!" Luke launched at me arms wrapped around my waist as I pet his hair "Hello dear I missed having you around my little angel the house no longer smells of baked goods anymore" I tell the boy I felt was like a son to me having raised him myself.

"Hello Mari its good to see you" Simeon smiles approaching us two. "Its great to see you too Simeon" I reply back just as warmly a hand creaseing his cheek "How has the Devildom treating you two? Has my little angel been doing have you taken care of him well?" I ask. As they recap how things have been as of late. I felt eyes in me and not just demon eyes.

The angel talking to the two celestial exchage students was pretty with hair similar to Mammon that fell midthigh and skin lighter than his own beautiful color. She had sea foam grean eyes and thick lashes she looked to be 5'1 and curvy more so on her hips thighs and butt than her chest.

Her outfit was white the dress flowed to her ankles two slits from her hips down with and a couple of x strings laced where her hips where stoping before midthigh and golden heels that laced around the ankles the top half was low cut and wrapped around her neck. Her back was a low cut leaving her back bare though no one could see it. It was for her large wings that touched the ground and was nearly as white as her snow colored hair.

"Hello little humans my name is Mari I'm an angel from the Celestial realm. If prince Diavolo allows it I can deliver a letter to your family's about how your doing and such if you desire. I'm sure they're worried about your well being." I say with a smile. The two humans after getting a nod were given a pen and paper to write. How cute

I again wait patiently but i could tell even if i was trying to ignore them my brothers were watching me. I suspect one would explode and start asking questions. And i didnt have to wait long because i sense one was approaching. Which one I wonder..

"Mari?" I turn to see Lucifer the look of shock on his face. "Hello Lucifer is there something I can help you with?" I smile but I'm sure anyone in the room can see I didnt want to talk to him. "Little sister.. your here?" He reached with a gloved hand but I step out of reach. I refused to let him touch me. Displeasure clearly on my face I was told my face gave me away.

"Im sorry but please dont touch me so casually. I dont allow strangers to touch me as it is improper." His brow furrowed "Stranger? I am your brother" this caught everyones attention more so one of the humans "No you were my brother as in past tense. I have no brothers after they caused a war and fell and left me alone." My words like ice pierced them each but I didnt stay to see more of their reaction I wanted to go home. "I'm here for business not pleasure so please if its not pertaining to the well being of these four dont approach me." Frustration clear in his eyes the other brothers closely behind him.

"Who taught you to be disrespectful?" He seethed "Clearly not you." I responded taking slight amusement in upsetting him.

I turned and saw both humans not writing and warmth filled my voice once more " Are you finished?" They nod, such adorable little things they have such short lives but they live it to their fullest . As an angel I have watched many of them and though they are ignorant and weak they are strong and smart taking what they have and making the best of it I truly adore them.

I took each one letter carefully like a little baby placing it in my basket and give one last smile maybe I'll see one of them again one day. But I had a feeling they weren't the only ones I'd be seeing as I felt the eyes of my former brothers on my back. Burning into me and with a final goodbye I leave the Devildom.

[altcvnningham]

1, 3, 5, 15, 18 and 20 😳😳😳😳

thank you for the ask!!! (also superior url omg 👁👄👁🤲🏻)

also my answers here are suuuuper long, because i’m a rambling idiot who’s way too involved in my OC’s. so uhhhh sorry in advance,,,,,

1. what radio station(s) do you listen to?

Vana’s a Samurai stan. She wishes she wasn’t. But, y’know, Morro Rock it is. Once upon a time when she was an even angrier teen, though, she’d listen to shit just like Ritual FM.

(My music taste is all over the place, and though blues is technically my fav bc i love old music, i never listen to it in 2077. So I switch between Body Heat, the Dirge, Vexelstrom for like 2 songs, and ofc, Morro Rock. But of all stations, there’s at least one song that i HATE so I can never stick to one for a whole ride sknsksjsjs)

i think i got the names right?? Idk yall i dont have it in front of me ndndndndhjs

3. how did you feel about Johnny that first night in the apartment, and how does it differ from what you feel now after everything?

so i’m gonna cut a read-more here because i decided to just lore dump Vana x Johnny here so uhhhhhh rip also //SPOILERS//

Vana is an extremely, seriously private, guarded person. Before Johnny, Panam, Kerry- Jackie was the only person she’d ever truly let near her, to get to know her. So obviously waking up to someone else living inside her fucking head was one of the worst things that’s ever happened to her. Her past is also something she’s not particularly proud of, so Johnny getting to witness all that is traumatising. Getting Johnny out of her head was priority number one, even if digging the chip out would kill her.

But after getting fucked over by the VBs, and both of them thinking she was gonna die, Johnny takes her to that abandoned hotel in Pacifica- it’s the first time he’s given her even a sliver of kindness, and the first time she’s ever openly expressed her fears to him, even if he could already sense them before. Oaths and promises are something she holds to incredibly high importance, so obviously when Johnny gives her his dog-tags, ‘proof of my promise’, she never, ever lets them go, never takes them off. (she still doesn’t. they keep her grounded. holding them to calm herself has become a reflex, for whatever reason.)

Everything just seemed to slowly change after that. For two people who hate vulnerability, it’s the only thing that helped them actually see each other. As the Relic continues to take over, they both understand each other more, feel each other more- and eventually it becomes hard to discern where Vana ends and Johnny begins. In cliché Johnny x V fashion like yeah duh it goes further,,,, cockwhore!Vana,,,,,, but with that they also start to become extremely possessive and jealous over one another- Johnny immediately on the defensive about whoever comes close to her, Vana selfishly hiding and keeping Johnny’s existence to herself, even if it slows the hunt for a remedy to the chip- to the point of seriously toxic co-dependency. It’s full of volatile ups-and-downs, fights and make-ups, and Vana almost comes to like the fact that she never has to explain nor hide what thoughts and feelings pass through her mind, no matter how dark or vulnerable. She prefers most things to remain unsaid, but values the fact that they both have a clear, transparent understanding of each other regardless.

But there's also... softer moments. When Johnny puts aside his ego for once, he learns to like the quiet that Vana does, brief as it can be sometimes. He'll sort of just... stay around the room, even if just to procrastinate retreating back into her head, because they realise they like each other's silent, wordless company. He'll wake her up from nightmares, hold her neck and kiss her back to sleep, or until the sun comes up, if she can't. It's all tender things they often pretend doesn't even happen, out of pride, I think, but they both know deep down that those are really the best parts.

Comes to a place where she suddenly hits a wall, and realises, I don’t want him to leave.

She’s never the same again after Mikoshi.

(But uhh anyway fuck V I’m horny on main for Keanu so i was here for the whole riiiiiide yeeeeeee)

5. how do your loved ones (LI, found family, etc) feel about you being a merc? or if you’ve given up the life now that everything’s finished, what was their reaction?

Vana grew up in a rich corp family, and after all the shit she’s endured just to appease her father, don’t think anyone could hate corps more than she does (some details of her past here!!) So when Arasaka kicks her out and Jackie finally convinces her to start merc work, it’s amazing how quickly she slips into the role, almost like she was made for it- an anonymous face within the city, free to roam and drift as she wants, relying on herself and herself only.

Vana works quickly and quietly enough (though not at all with clean hands), relying on stealth and netrunning, so she doesn’t cause too much of a noise that’d have her loved ones (rare as they are) all too concerned. Judy isn’t scared Vana’d be caught in gunfire, because when Vana works, her targets rarely know she’s even there. She’s smart, cunning. Panam appreciates that these skills have helped her out, so she can’t complain. River- who is unfortunately more fond of Vana than she is of him, given that she’s not too comfortable at accepting affection- isn’t too happy about the life she leads, but hey, it’s her skills as a merc and as one of NC’s most adept netrunners that he even stood a chance of finding Randy as quick as he did, so he feels indebted to her for that. Kerry thinks it’s fuckin awesome that she gets to do as she wants and provides for herself, bestieeees

Given she isn’t all that close with many people- keeping her distance and all- the only people who seriously worry about her are folks like Vik, Misty, and Mama Welles, especially the latter two, who knew how much Jackie meant to her, and how easily she cracks under the weight of grief. The only thing, really, that concerns everybody around her, is how insatiable her bloodlust becomes, and how much she'd throw away just to try and quell it.

Johnny’s just in it for the ride. Rather she work for herself than a filthy corp, anyway.

After Mikoshi, losing Johnny, making it to the major leagues, she fuckin... just doesn't care anymore. She hates the big glass house that was practically forced onto her (reminds her too much of her stifling corp childhood), she hates that she has 20 cars that clog up her garage and not just her trusty red Yaiba Kusanagi, hates that folks keep giving her all this shiny golden shit that she doesn't want, like any of it's worth a damn. Since then she's hardly in one place- never at home if she can help it, and either wanders aimlessly around the streets and crashes over at Kerry's to sleep through grief. It isn't the merc life she wants to leave, but major leagues turned out to be a glittering pile of dogshit she wants no part in. She only really stays there because Jackie would've wanted it.

(i’m a lazy bitch like i don’t wanna be a merc. i wanna be one of those cute npc’s with the glowy earrings and bunny backpacks and skimpy plastic skirts, who picks up noodles on the way home to go watch watson whore. in my ideal life i am NOT the main character snnsmsnsks)

15. which NPC is your bff?

Kerry. Kerry is Vana’s ride or die. No fucking questions asked. Kerry’s the only person (besides Johnny, i guess) as close to her as Jackie was. He’s really the only person that ever gets her to smile, like really, stupidly, goofily smile, and despite being almost complete opposites, they just understand each other so well. Whenever they need something, they're the first person they'll call. Happens so often that just as Vana sifts through her contacts to find his, Kerry's already calling for her first. They're practically joint at the hip.

They both live loud, fast lives, but also know how to make time for silence and introspection, something they both need to stay grounded. Vana doesn't buy into his zen-wellness-yoga crap, but sure, she tries copying a couple moves while he's doing it on a lazy afternoon, before scoffing how this is fuckin' dumb and retreats back to the couch. Also, as much as she hates being reminded of the wealth that came with her corpo upbringing, she loves using up all his expensive products, and tends to klep a bottle of his shampoo when she runs out. Cute how she thinks he doesn't notice.

After what happened in Mikoshi, she practically lives at Kerry's place, just dozing away miserably as he lounges by the pool, or curl up on the couch to mindlessly watch his old Samurai tapes (he doesn't like it much, but if it helps her through whatever shit she's going through, he's not gonna take that away from her). On better days, when she actually pulls herself out of bed, he teaches her to play guitar, slipping in a couple tricks Johnny taught him. Funnily enough, the whole thing helps him find some closure too.

( me,, I need a girl like Panam in my life to endorse all of my stupid ideas )

18. what’s your dream cyberware (either something that was shown in lore that wasn’t available in game or mental creation of your own)?

I don’t have access to the tabletop lore stuff rn so i’m gonna pull this out my ass jsjsns

Anything that helps Vana become more deadly at stealth and netrunning. The most eddies she’s ever blown are on increasingly powerful cyberdecks, cooling systems, netrunning gear she can comfortably slip on under a jacket and boots- she likes convenience and functionality, but she needs it to be comfortable, too. She’d fucking kill for anything that lets her scale silently up walls and across ceilings, though- like a spider- and anything that lets her get her hands reeeeal bloody, but quietly. Guess that’s just called a knife, though.

(Me?? Fuck uhhh man i just want synth-skin that looks normal but also shimmers all pink n cute. Literally wanna be an edward cullen sparkly lookin mf. Also, i’m sorry but scanning shit w Kiroshi’s are so dope that’s literally all i want?? Idk i’m boring and mantis blades freak me out uhh)

20. is there anyone you’re crushing on that’s unavailable? (yes this is the “what romance option(s) are you foaming at the mouth for” question)

Answered here :)

(And i’ll say it again, PLACIIIIIIIDE,)

[megalony]

Broken heart- Part 2

This is the second part to my imagine which has gained lovely feedback so thank you all for that, I hope you like it.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @luvborhap @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @hi-i-dont-know

Part 1

Enjoy.

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The bottled water in her hand was crushed between her fingers with such fury it should have disintegrated on the spot. But instead, the plastic bottle was set free, launched at the far wall of the small, cherry blossom red room that seemed to be taunting all four of them. John took a shaking step forward so he was out of the firing line, his shoulders hunching upwards as he heard the bottle cracking and splintering. The cap flying off to unleash the contents of the bottle, water splattering around the wall and floor and up John's back and neck as if it were a murder scene.

When Brian's hand tried to hold her shoulder, (Y/n) turned rigid, her body propelling away from his hold on weakened legs that were barely managing to keep her upright.

"I don't want fucking water! I want Roger." She seemed to scream the first sentence but sound so broken, so weak and scared like a frightened kitten when she spoke the last sentence. Her shoulders trembled like they were suffering an earthquake as her head bowed so her chin was resting on her chest. Water wasn't going to help, it wasn't going to make her feel better or take away the feeling of her heart crumbling to ash in her chest.

(Y/n) wanted the one thing she now couldn't have, and that was her husband. No one was able to stop the tears from pouring from their eyes as the news seemed to be sinking further into their hearts that the drummer had died. Roger was a pillar in all of their lives, take that away and the foundations of their worlds would begin to crumble like it was now. They couldn't live without him, they weren't told how they were meant to do that.

The doctors had ushered the four of them into this small family room that was used for grieving souls such as them as soon as (Y/n) had come back around and was declared fine except for her broken heart.

No one knew what they were meant to do or what they were meant to say except for (Y/n). She wanted to scream, to sob and throw everything she could find until someone brought her drummer back to her. She needed Roger in her life, she didn't know how she was meant to program without him. She had known him for fifteen years, since he was twenty-four and she was twenty. How was she meant to go from fifteen years with Roger in her life to living the rest of her existence without him? Was there even a life that could handle that?

"I- I can't... how do I tell the kids..." (Y/n) pressed a trembling hand to her stomach as if that would somehow make her feel anchored to herself or to the world but it wasn't doing anything but make the sorrow inside her grow rapidly.

How would she explain to Daisy that Roger wasn't coming back home? She was four, she wouldn't understand the concept of death or why Roger was never going to come back. She would simply think he had left and abandoned them. How would she tell Charlie? He had been shellshocked when he'd watched the paramedics rush Roger out of the house, he had been convinced at that moment that his dad wasn't coming back and now it seemed he was right. Charlie didn't know a life where Roger wasn't around, Roger was always a phone call away until now.

How was (Y/n) meant to bring up another child on her own?

She wouldn't have Roger by her side through labour this time like he had been before. He wouldn't be there to sit with her and hold her hand or hum a calming tune to get her through it. He wouldn't be sitting beside her with tears streaming down his face at the new life they had created. She would have to do all that on her own and raise another life where they wouldn't know who their father was. Daisy was four, her memories of Roger would fade as she grew older and Charlie's memories were going to be limited but the baby wouldn't have any. They had now been stripped from any knowledge or memories of their father because he was gone.

Moving forward, Brian wrapped his arms around (Y/n)'s frame as if he was trying to hold all of her broken pieces together so she didn't fall apart. But Brian couldn't hold her together forever, the moment he let her go everything would break around her and no one would ever be able to glue every piece back together again.

No one had to ask what thought was suddenly dancing across (Y/n)'s mind when she looked down to her stomach before sobbing which sounded more like a broken howl. (Y/n) would never wish that she wasn't pregnant or that she didn't have a third child but she didn't want to do this alone. She wanted Roger there but he had gone.

Gently moving over, Brian tugged (Y/n) with him so he could get her to sit down. She didn't look well at all, especially after having passed out only half an hour ago. He didn't want her to faint again or to feel worse or make herself ill. Nor did he want her in such distress that it caused any problems with the baby. She had been through enough today, no more disasters were needed. He sat down beside her as John started to slowly walk up and down the length of the rather small room, not knowing what else to do with himself. Freddie, on the other hand, was curled up in the armchair near to the door, saying nothing as silent tears fell from his eyes.

"I- I t...tried s-so hard..." (Y/n) hiccuped before she buried her face in Brian's chest, her body tensing as she clenched and unclenched her hands into fists. She had done CPR right until the paramedics turned up and took over from her. She watched them continue to do it as they took him into the ambulance where she went with them. No one had stopped trying because they wanted to save Roger but it had done no good. She had tried to do her very best to keep him alive but he had already gone.

"I know... I know." Brian hushed, not bothered anymore by the tears that were clouding his vision. He wanted to comfort her, to tell her everything would be alright but it wouldn't.

Roger had been so afraid and they had not been able to do anything to comfort him or find out what was wrong. They weren't even sure that there was anything wrong with him until it was too late. The band were going to do everything they could to stick by (Y/n) and make sure she was helped and watched over because Roger wasn't there to do that but it was never going to be enough. They couldn't fill the void Roger had left behind.

"I w-want to see him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Leaning over the back of the chair, John slowly rubbed his hands over (Y/n)'s shoulders as he tried to contain his sniffs and small bubbles of sobs from passing through his lips. He didn't want to breakdown into a fit of cries but he couldn't seem to stop himself.

Roger was only two years older than John, he was the closest to John in terms of age and they had always gotten along like a house on fire. Roger was like an elder brother to John, he helped him when he felt nervous or shy and he always made him laugh. But this was not funny, this was horrifying and John wondered why on Earth he had agreed to this so quickly.

(Y/n) didn't want to go into the room and see Roger on her own, she couldn't face it because she hadn't gotten to say goodbye. She had begged him to wake up but she never said goodbye because she thought they would revive him. She didn't want to sit alone in case she broke down or took one step into the room and lost her bottle and left again. Freddie couldn't see Roger now. He couldn't go in and see his friend lying there motionless, it was too much. Brian had also been off about the idea, it was traumatising to see someone like that and he wasn't sure if he could.

John didn't think it would be as bad as this, he thought he could handle seeing Roger look peaceful. To simply imagine that he was sleeping like John had seen him do so many times whilst on tour. But it was horrifying.

Seeing one of his closest friends laid motionless like that, with his shirt open to reveal the markings on his chest from the defibrillator that tried to revive him and the marks from hands trying to compress his chest. Seeing the machines all turned off because Roger was now deemed as a lost cause. The heartbeat monitor still clipped to his finger but the machine turned off. His eyes were closed but he was unnaturally pale, his chest unmoving as he was laid like a statue.

Roger never laid on his back when he slept, for some reason he just couldn't get to sleep like that. Nor did he sleep with his arms plastered to his sides as if he could only just fit on the bed and moving would cause him to fall out. This wasn't right.

(Y/n) bowed her head as she pressed Roger's knuckles to her lips, her eyes snapping closed to see if that would make this any easier. She tried to focus on the feeling of John's comforting hold on her shoulders, trying to keep her grounded but she kept coming back to the feeling of Roger's still warm hand in hers. How his hand was unmoving and rigid in hers, his fingers no longer instantly curling around her own like she was desperate for them to.

Tilting his head down to look at (Y/n), John frowned in confusion when a sudden, shuddering breath left her lips. Her head snapping up as she seemed to reel back in the chair but keep tight hold of Roger's hand.

"I- I'm... I'm going mad." She whispered the words so quietly, so calmly and delicately that John was sure he either misheard her or simply imagined the words to pass through her lips. But when she turned her head to look at him, he realised he had heard her correctly. "I can feel a pulse." (Y/n)'s lower lip wobbled as she held Roger's hand out to John, her eyes pleading for him to either realise she was right or to tell her that she was going insane with grief.

John took a shallow breath before he gently wrapped his fingers around Roger's wrist, pushing his index and middle finger against the base of Roger's wrist to feel the pressure point. His fingers unravelling so quickly that Roger's arm dropped to the bed with a thump when he felt the small pushing of a vein against his fingertips. The bassist said nothing as he stumbled out of the room, crying for a nurse or doctor to tell him he was insane because he knew that he had just felt Roger's pulse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You said he had died!" Brian shouted the words with such venom that the doctor had to take a precautionary step backwards. The guitarist was never the one to light his temper like this, he always managed to stay calm and level headed but today was not one of those days.

It was ten o'clock in the evening and everyone was to the point where they felt like passing out because they had no more energy reserves left to go through. They had mourned Roger for hours today, they had thought every possibility for the future and found it bleak and unmeaningful, they found the future was one that they did not want to go through anymore. All of them had gone through the tide of emotions because they had been told that Roger had passed away but he now miraculously had a pulse.

They had been told he died.

Roger could have been taken to the morgue whilst he was still alive, they could have cut him open or left him for days in there whilst everyone mourned him and had to start thinking of the future and a funeral but he was still with them.

"His heartbeat dropped so low that the machines didn't pick it up. The signals going to the nerves in his heart which make it beat aren't working correctly which momentarily stopped his heart when he was found at home. We've got him on medication but he needs to have scans as soon as possible to find out why this happened. You can see him now before we take him for the scans."

(Y/n) looked to each of the boys as her eyes overflowed with tears, silently asking who was going with her to see Roger or if they were all coming with her but they all shook their heads. Roger was alive, they had time to see him after he had the scans which they knew needed to happen now before anything else happened. But after thinking he had died, they didn't know what else could happen or if there was anything left that could be worse than that. Reaching his hand out, Freddie squeezed her shoulder before nodding for her to go ahead. She needed to see Roger more than they did right now.

(Y/n) couldn't stop the trembling in her system as she slowly pushed the door open, afraid of what she would find on the other side of the door. Wondering if Roger would be awake or asleep, if he would be sitting up or lying down. If he would be talking or too weak, maybe he wouldn't have any energy or maybe he would. Maybe he would look and feel fine or maybe he would still look as if he were about to die- again.

When she walked into the room just as a nurse walked out, all of the air left her lungs as she locked eyes on Roger. Sitting up in the hospital bed, wires puncturing his veins at his hands and elbows, monitoring clips stuck to his finger and his chest and an oxygen tube under his nose and around his ears. His skin was unearthly pale and his eyes were glassy, their colour drained as he looked like he needed sleep.

It was clear by the look on his face when he saw her that he had already been informed of what had happened and the fact that they thought he had passed away. A small cry bubbled up in his throat and parted through his chapped lips as he stretched his arms out for (Y/n), needing her in his arms to convince himself that he was alive and okay. His heartbeat and his thoughts were simply not enough to tell him he was here and he was okay, he needed (Y/n) in his arms as proof. He wrapped an arm extremely tightly around her waist to anchor her to his chest, his other hand knotting in her hair at the back of her head to keep her there. Closing his eyes as he inhaled her scent, calming down his erratic thoughts as he knew; he was alive.

(Y/n) buried her head in the crook of his neck as he ran his hand up and down her back, slowly swaying them side to side to comfort both of them.

"I... I thought you..." (Y/n) pulled back just enough so that she could cup his face in her hands, her thumb brushing over his jaw before tracing his lips. Needing to feel the harsh pushes of air passing through his lips to tell her that he was breathing and that his heart was still beating.

"I'm here, sweetheart. I'm here."

For not having been awake for very long, Roger kissed her with such fever and energy it was as if he had simply gone out for a few hours before returning again instead of being unconscious and presumed dead. He traced her cheekbones before running his fingertip over the line of her jaw. Brushing away her tears with the pad of his thumb. He pressed his lips back to her again, needing to savour the touch he had felt a thousand times before just for that extra reassurance. Before he moved his arms so they were wrapped a little more loosely around her waist so he could lean down and rest his head against her stomach. Kissing her stomach over the fabric of her shirt because he needed that contact he could have missed out on.

He could have missed this. He could have missed seeing their baby being born, he could have missed their first word or steps or seeing them grow up. He might not have seen them the first moment they were born but he wasn't going to miss out on anything. Roger was here and he was going to make sure that he didn't leave again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Dad!" Charlie let the tears fall rapidly from his eyes, blinking them away so he could manage to see enough to launch himself onto the hospital bed Roger was lying on. Scuttling up enough so he could wrap his arms as tight as he could around Roger's neck to the point he was almost choking him. His face burying in his father's neck as he let out a small sob.

He felt himself crying harder when Roger's arms wrapped like vines around his back in a hug that he thought he would never feel again. He felt Roger's hand brushing up and down his back before his other hand tangled in Charlie's matching scruffy blond hair.

Roger ignored the burning feeling in his chest from his broken ribs he sustained a week ago from the car accident. That was a minor pinprick compared to the bursting of love Roger felt in his heart that was picking up speed from the feeling of his boy in his arms again. He kissed the side of Charlie's head, letting his own tears fall as Charlie practically laid on top of him to get as close as he could.

"Hey, shh it's alright buddy. I've got you, I'm here." Roger hushed, his voice no more than a whisper in the wind as Charlie let out a small sob. Feeling as if he were a small boy again who had scraped his knee and had gone straight to Roger about it. He knew Roger didn't have favourites, far from it but Charlie always liked to think he was Roger's favourite or that he was special to the drummer because he was the firstborn. When it was just him he loved that feeling when Roger came back from the studio or a tour and he went straight to Charlie and hugged him just like this.

It was the kind of hug that told Charlie everything was going to be alright, it was the hug that showed Roger was there. He had never not been there and Charlie didn't have to worry about him leaving anytime soon.

"I s-saw mum do CPR a-and I thought-"

"Sshh. It's all okay, I promise. My heart's fine now, I got it fixed and I'm gonna be just fine. I'll be home in a few days, it won't happen again." Roger kissed Charlie's forehead longingly, running his fingers through his son's shorter strands of hair to calm them both down as he felt Charlie calming down. "I promise." He whispered again just so Charlie could be certain that nothing was wrong anymore before the door sounded again. Both their heads turning in time to see (Y/n) walking in with Daisy trotting at her side.

It turned out that Roger's heart was the problem but not actually the cause. All these years Roger had been so sure there was some sort of malfunction with his heart or that the doctors had missed something so vital that could kill him just like it had his dad and grandad. But it hadn't been his heart, all the tests that showed his heart was fine had not been wrong.

Roger had an aneurysm in his brain that was like a blockage or a buildup and it had slowly been pressing onto the nerve that controlled the impulses to the heart. It had gotten too big and temporarily stopped some signals to his heart which made it seem like he had suffered a heart attack or heart failure. They cut the aneurysm out and Roger was going to be fine, it was what had caused his father and grandfather's deaths too but had looked like heart failure. If they weren't looking for it they wouldn't find it.

Roger dared not tell Charlie just yet that he would need the same operation he had just had to get rid of the aneurysm because there was a high chance Charlie had gotten it as well. That would be a conversation for later.

"Daisychain, come here princess." Roger cooed, smiling at his little girl as (Y/n) helped her to scramble onto the bed on Roger's other side. Charlie shuffled over so he was laying on Roger's right side, tucked firmly under Roger's arm instead of laying on his chest so Daisy could cuddle into his other side.

Her head perched on his chest as she leaned to kiss Roger's cheek, wrapping her arms around his chest as he kept his arm secured around her so she was laying against him.

Glancing his eyes over to (Y/n) when she sat down on the chair next to the bed, Roger felt his heart bursting as he couldn't help his smile widening at having his family around him. For years, Roger had been terrified, scared and had often cried in wonder that he was going to pass away at forty or thereabouts. He just knew something had been wrong and he had been so sure it was his heart. He even had doubts about having children in case he passed away or passed whatever it was onto them. But he didn't have to worry anymore.

Charlie shuffled up so he could lay his head on Roger's shoulder as Daisy itched up so she was more on Roger's chest. Closing her eyes with a smile when she felt Roger kissing the top of her head before he did the same to Charlie. Hugging both of them closer to his chest where he wanted to keep them forever.

For the first time since he was nineteen, Roger had no worries that there was a clock counting down in the back of his head. He knew he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, he didn't have to worry about leaving any of his children or his wife. He knew he was staying right here with them where he belonged.

[syinisuga]

☆Forbiden Fantasy☆

NamJoonxReader

Warewolf x CEO'sDaughter AU

Genre: Angst→smut→fluff

Word Count: alot of words

Warning: there is angst present in this story so prepare your heartue. The smut in this is kinda extreme rated 21+ and the fluff part is well.... fluff.. lol im sorry i'm not good with the warnings

A/N: so this one was requested by my babygirl and i love her so much!💕 this one is specially for you so hope you and everyone else enjoy this one! Thank you all so so soooo much for all your love and support for my fanfics im so happy!😊

SyiniSuga originals

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"HELP!! aaaahhhhhhhh!! Pllleeasseeee!! Daddyy help me!!!" I was screaming as i ran through a dark forest away from pale skinned, dark red eyed, sharpe fanged and crazy blood hungry zombified vampires known as HellVamps. My five year old legs could only carry me at a certain speed but thanks to my tiny body i was able to squeeze into the gap in between a tree, hiding in it desperately trying to get away from those monsters. They came closer to where i was hiding and it had seemed that they found where i was hiding. I crouched down in the tight gap hugging myself thightly, shutting my eyes as i heard their footsteps creep closer and closer, every sound of twigs and dry leaves cracking and snapping getting louder as they step closer.

I hugged myself tighter burrying my head in my knees in attempt to muffle my terrified cries. The image of my mother being murdered and ripped apart by those monster before my eyes kept replaying in my head. The words; "Run! Get as far away as you can little one!!"

Were the last words my mother let out before being devoured by them. My thoughts were interrupted and extreme fear washed over me when one of them spoke;

"Come out come out you little abomination, we just want to drink all your blood and eat your heart.. trust us it will be over as soon as it starts. We know you're hiding, so you better come out before it gets worse.."

The tone in his voice and his words made my  heart beat so fast and intensified my cries. All of a sudden i heard the sound of loud thuds and bones breaking.I covered my ears and squeezed my eyes shut as i screamed out loud in fear at the horryfiying and grousome sounds coming from outside the three trunk where i was hiding. 

After a while i could a hear a voice calling out my name and my body was being shaken, the voice all too familiar as i was shook awake.

"Y/N-ah wake up! Stop you're not there anymore! Wake up you're safe. Wake up!"

I shoot up awake on my bed, face messed up with tears and breathing heavily. I take a minute to compose myself before turning to the direction the voice was coming from.

"Hey you okay?" His voice spoke a little low and raspy, one hand rested on my shoulder for reassurance.

"Yeah Joonie i'm fine.. just...you know.."i spoke softly and looked at him with weak eyes thinking of the incident that day.

"If you hadn't passed by that part of the forest and saved me that day... i... would've... been..."

"Sshh~ it's okay Y/N.. dont keep thinking about it.. the important thing is 12 year old me saved your sorry 5 year old ass"

He made a harmless joke in attempt to make you laugh a little and of course it worked. You laughed and hit his hand playfully before shooting back it him.

"Watch your mouth WereWolf Boy, you work for my dad now, not only that you're my bodyguard. Which means i can fire you anytime"

"Woah okay sorry ma'am" he playfully raised his arm up in defeat as you both sat there laughing with each other.

Kim NamJoon. A Hybrid Werewolf. Tall, tanned skin, body well built and muscular, eyes a beautiful dark brown full of light, lips pink and full, hair jet black and smooth and the best part is he has a dimpled smile. Oh how i melt at that gorgeous smile. He was the one who saved me from the HellVamps, eventhough he was only 12 years old at the time he had incredible strenght and speed. He was immedietly taken in by my CEO father, yes a very famous and respected CEO of the City Protection Agency. He trained alot of WereWolves in order to protect the city and all its livings from the dreadfull HellVamps. 

Namjoon was trained under the agency seeing that he had an incredible skill and natural born traits. Namjoon and i often spent alot of time with each other during his trainy days. We used play with each other alot, go out to eat, watch a movie at my house, play video games and all that. Joonie and i became really close as we grew up and it became permanant after he finished his training and was appointed as my personal bodyguard by my father.

Joonie became my bestest friend and we've grown up together. But as i grew up to become a little more mature now, i can't help but feel that i have developed feelings for him. Not the kind of feelings you feel when you see your best friend but something more. I loved him. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, i wanted to be what you call his mate for life. But as always, there was a problem. Though we co exist in a world with other mythical beings, it was considered an abomination if us mortals and mythicals came together in life. Not because of the relationship itself, but because of the fruit that will be produced in the future. That's right, if a baby was born between a mythical and mortal, it was told to be a great disaster, but no one would tell me why. But of course me being me, i will find a way to make him mine.

Everything was going great,i was happy hanging out with Joonie as asual. Our everdays seemed beautiful as always. But it all changed after that one day after a weekly meeting with my father.

"Hey Joonie wanna go out for ice cream?" I asked excitedly

"No y/n, i can't. I have work to do" to my suprise his answer was cold and blunt. And he used the word miss?

"Huh? Really? Oh.. well okay then.."

I thought it was just that one day, but he proceeded to behave that way. Always ignoring me and behaving really blunt, cold and stern towards me, he would'nt even reply my texts.

Finally i lost it, i could'nt take it anymore. I saw Namjoon walking back to his quaters and it was raining heavily tonight. I ran towards him in the rain, getting soaked completely as i reached him and grabbed his arm from behind causing him to turn around in suprise.

"Miss what are you doing out in the rain you better go inside before you catch a cold" he spoke still sounding blunt but with a hint of concern in his voice.

"Cut the miss bullshit please? Since when do you call me like that, huh? And why are you ignoring me? Why have'nt you replied to any of my texts?" I asked him, maybe sounding a little rude but mostly annoyed.

"Simply because i dont want to" he answered bluntly with a straight face.

My heart started to ache a little at his sharp words.

"W-what do you mean you don't want to?"

"I work for your father y/n, he's my boss and you're his daughter. I'm your bodyguard and that's that. I have to maintain my place and that place is proffesionally" he spoke ever so clearly which made you feel even more hurt.

"W-what?! Did my dad say anything to you about this,huh?" My voice now sounding a little pissed.

"He didn't have to say anything. It's what it's supposed to be. And we shouldn't be like how we were. It's for your own safety" he finished simply.

I couldn't take it anymore, i needed to tell him, i need to let him know now before it's too late.

"Joonie no. I wont allow that. I miss hanging out with you. I miss playing games and being silly with you. I miss making fun of everything and being happy with you. I felt hurt when you started ignoring me, i felt empty, alone, depressed and i started to hate myself. I felt all these things when you started to be cold towards me because i...... i love you Joonie.." i finally got out everything i wanted to say and stood there in the pouring rain, standing in front of him looking at him and awaiting his reply.

"No y/n we can't be like that. You know it's wrong. Its utterly imposible and crazy. Its dangerous not only for you but for others as well. You know that. Just... forget this ever happened go get yourself warm y/n" he sounded so cold,so blunt as he started to walk of. But that didnt stop me, i ran back after him.

"Joonie wait! Please listen to me. We can work something out,  i love you i really do... i can't think of anyone else that would take care of me like you do.. please Joonie you mean alot to me and-"

"Don't you hear me?! I will never love you! We can never be together, i don't want to be with you! I see you as my bosse's daughter and nothing more you hear me?!" He yells out and walks away taking huge steps towards his quaters.

I can't believe what just happend.. he just... i couldn't keep myself together anymore. I broke down crying on my knees, rain pouring down on my drenching me completly. I could feel the aching pain spread all throughout my heart and the warm tears flow down my face despite the cold rain. I cried out loud, my cries being muffled slightly by the rain as i pour out all the pain that had been inflicted on my heart by the one guy i loved. Father had warned me long before, he had warned me that should i ever fall for a mythical being it will bring me great pain, almost unbareble.

My thoughts were flying all over the place but was soon interrupted when i felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up thinking it was my father or one of the other Werewolf guards, but to my extreme horror i could only wish it was someone i knew.

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To be continued....

Part 1|Part 2|Part 3|Part 4|Part 5|Part 6

[gldnfng]

Excerpts from Wind-Up Bird

“I am me and / He is him: / Autumn eve. But you dont’ belong to that world, sonny. The world you belong to is above that or below that.

Which is better? I asked, out of simple curiosity. Above or below?

It’s not that either one is better, he said. After a brief coughing fit, he spat a glob of phlegm onto a tissue and studied it closely before crumpling the tissue and throwing it into a wastebasket. It’s not a question of better or worse. The point is, not to resist the flow. You go up when you’re supposed to go up and down when you’re supposed to go down. When you’re supposed to go up, find the highest tower and climb to the top. When you’re supposed to go down, find the deepest well and go down to the bottom. When there’s no flow, stay still. If you resist the flow, everything dries up. If everything dries up, the world is darkness. I am he and / He is me: / Spring nightfall. Abandon the self, and there you are.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

What she did then was shut herself off from the outside world. She closed her eyes. She closed her ears. She shut down her mind. She put an end to any form of thinking or hoping. The next several months were a blank. She had no memory of anything that happened in that time. When she came out of it, she found herself in a new home. It was the home where she should have been all along. Her parents were there, her brother and her sister. But it was not her home. It was simply a new environment.

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“In the family, it was only toward her sister that she began, with difficulty, to open up. Her parents despaired of ever breaking through to her; her brother hardly knew she existed. But her sister understood the confusion and loneliness that lay behind her stubborn moods. ”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“For a while, Kumiko lay there, thinking. Seven-thirty Sunday morning: a time when everything sounds soft and hollow. I listened to the pigeons shuffling across my apartment roof, to someone calling a dog in the distance. Kumiko stared at a single spot on the ceiling for the longest time.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

But you’re not a kid anymore. You have the right to choose your own life. You can start again.

These special powers of hers grew stronger as she grew older, but she did not know how to use or nurture them, and this caused her a great deal of anguish. There was no one she could go to for advice, no one she could look up to for guidance. This made her a very lonely teenager. She had to solve everything on her own. She had to find all the answers herself. In our home, she was unhappy. There was never a time when she could find peace in her heart. She had to suppress her own powers and keep them hidden. It was like growing a large, powerful plant in a little pot. It was unnatural. It was wrong. All she knew was that she had to get out of there as soon as possible. She believed that somewhere there was a world that was right for her, a way of life that was right for her. Until she graduated from high school, though, she had to keep herself in check.

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“Just beyond the edges of our little circle of sunshine, a ferocious war was going on.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.  

“Feelings need to be let out sometimes. Otherwise, the flow can stagnate inside. I’m sure you feel better now that you have said what you wanted to say.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“Memories and thoughts age, just as people do. But certain thoughts can never age, and certain memories can never fade.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“I began to understand the world as Kumiko saw it.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“I was a vacant room. Inside, the music produced only a dry, hollow echo.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“Have you ever had that feeling-that you’d like to go to a whole different place and become a whole different self?”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“Hmm. What do they call it? House physiognomy?”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“I don’t know if there is anything I can give you. It seems to me that I don’t have anything to give at this point in time. I am quite literally empty. I am just getting started, putting some contents into this empty container little by little. I can give you myself, Mr. Okada, if you say that is good enough for you. I believe we can help each other.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

She took my hand and touched it to the wound beside her eye. I caressed the half-inch scar. As I did so, the waves of her consciousness pulsed through my fingertips and into me-a delicate resonance of longing.

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“I realize full well how hard it must be to go on living alone in a place from which someone has left you, but there is nothing so cruel in this world as the desolation of having nothing to hope for.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“I close my eyes and separate from this flesh of mine, with its filthy tennis shoes, its weird goggles, its clumsy erection. Separating from the flesh is not so difficult. It can put me far more at ease, allow me to cast off the discomfort I feel. I am a weed-choked garden, a flightless stone bird, a dry well. I know that a woman is inside this vacant house that is myself. I cannot see her, but it doesn’t bother me anymore. If she is looking for something inside here, I might as well give it to her.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“I don’t know, I still can’t really get a clear sense of all kinds of things. It’s as if they’re out there, far away, lined up like dolls in a shooting gallery, and all these transparent curtains are hanging down between me and the dolls.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“Anyhow, even though I might go out on a date with a boy, emotionally I just wouldn’t be able to concentrate. I’d be smiling and chatting away, and my mind would be floating around somewhere else, like a balloon with a broken string. I’d be thinking about one unrelated thing after another. I don’t know, I guess finally I want to be alone a little while longer. And I want to let my thoughts wander freely. In that sense, I guess, I’m probably still on the road to recovery.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“She did not offer any explanations, and I did not ask for them. I simply did as I was told. This reminded me of several so-called art films I had seen in college. Movies like that never explained what was going on. Explanations were rejected as some kind of evil that could only destroy the films reality.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

my reality was having trouble locating me, it seemed

“They just disappeared somewhere,” I added feebly. “Like the dew on a summer morning. Or like a star at daybreak.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“In the two increasingly intermingled darknesses, I concentrate on my mark and think about the room. I try to separate from myself, just as I do whenever I am with the women. I try to get out of this clumsy flesh of mine, which is crouching down here in the dark. Now I am nothing but a vacant house, an abandoned well. I try to go outside, to change vehicles, to leap from one reality to another, which moves at a different speed, and I keep a firm grip on the bat all the while.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“How wonderful it would be, he thought, if I could find the cool shade of a tree somewhere, to stretch out and sleep, if only for a little while-to stop thinking, to sink into the silent darkness of unconsciousness.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

Maybe the world was like a revolving door, it occurred to him as his consciousness was fading away. And which section you ended up in was just a matter of where your foot happened to fall.

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“Reality spilled out into the alley like water from an overfilled bowl-as sound, as smell, as image, as plea, as response.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

I opened my eyes, then closed them again. The darknesses inside and out began to blend, and I began to move outside of my self, the container that held me.

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“I am now just a part of the work I do. I don’t feel the least bit alienated from my life. If anything, I sometimes feel that by concentrating on my work like this, with all the mindless determination of an ant, I’m getting closer to the real me. I don’t know how to put it, but its kind of like by not thinking about myself I can get closer to the core of my self. That’s what I mean by kind of weird.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“Its a really nice feeling to know, though, that someone out there in the world is wearing the wig I made on his head. It sort of gives me a sense of, I don’t know, connectedness.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“Sometimes her sense of powerlessness would be deep and terrible, and she would feel like an empty shell.”

She would open herself to her quiet son, and Cinnamon would nod as he listened intently to his mothers words. He never said anything, but speaking to him like this enabled her to attain an odd kind of peace. She was not entirely alone, she felt, and not entirely powerless.

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“So then one disconnected thing led to another disconnected thing, and that’s how all kinds of stuff happened.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

find the place where I belong

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“That had been her original world, a world that, in many senses, had been lost forever.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“We looked out at the rain now and then, as if it were our longtime mutual friend.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“From his youngest days, he had had a weirdly lucid awareness that I, as an individual, am living under the control of some outside force.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“He was engaged in a serious search for the meaning of his own existence.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“My heart froze like a frightened cat. ”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.

“But anyhow, I’ll stay for now. I need more time to think. About what I want to do, where I want to go. I want to take time and think about those things.

I nodded. Maybe that’s what you really ought to do, I said.”

Excerpt From: Haruki Murakami. “The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.” iBooks.