#its this chronic impermanence... im always just passing through
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i really wish i had a home... a geographical home. a place with family or even just distant relatives or childhood friends, a place that feels familiar, a place to return to. but i dont
#my parents live in different parts of the country#the apartments/houses in which i grew up dont exist anymore#or they dont belong to us anymore#i spent my early childhood in frankfurt so i call it my hometown but that feels so distant now#i spent my early teenage years in one place.. then the rest in another#went to 5 different schools in 3 different states#i moved away for uni spent some time abroad then moved again#now im starting grad school in yet another location#my grandparents are dead and i dont have much of an extended family left#the few friends i have from uni have moved away as well and we're not that close anymore#in fact we havent spoken in months#im not too close with my dads family#and my mom is an only child#as am i#i just feel so disconnected from everything#initially i thought it provided a sense of freedom but#its like i could move to new zealand tomorrow and nothing would change.... it would be ...just fine#its the opposite of freedom#its disorienting and isolating and i think its keeping me from making deeper connections with people#its like in the back of my mind i know ill just leave again eventually so why bother#im just like some extra in the background of a movie scene#i could be anytbing... anyone... anywhere.. and it wouldnt make a differebce#its this chronic impermanence... im always just passing through#and i dont know what to do about it#like how can you teach yourself to grow roots#and how do i know where to grow them#??#personal#tbd#my words
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