#the anime has its problems but im so so glad they have their happy endings

[chocopink]

komahina post game you mean the world to me

[spookberry]

Watching your work recently has been so inspiring. I had a rough few semesters of art school, and while I enjoyed the classes, I was mildly disillusioned by an insistence on what felt like "meaningful" art...

A lot can be meaningful! After being online a bit more, around artists like you who clearly love what you're doing and make art you're passionate about, it kinda made me realize that I'm free! I can make what I want, whatever it is! Art that has historically and occasionally been deemed lesser (e.g. fanart) is not actually so, and art can mean a lot even if it isn't in fancy galleries or art books.

Anyway, what I mean to say is: you're inspiring, and talented. I really love your art for what it is and what it represents to me. I love seeing what you make, and it helps bolster me to make my own art as wild as I want!

This is one of the sweetest asks I've ever gotten and it's really made my, like, year lol.

This is the reason I post fanart!! Other artists represented the same for me when I was younger and it made want to participate and join in and I'm glad I did! I've met some cool people and I've had really interesting conversations and experiences via fandom... even if I can be a bit of a lurker at times haha.

Art School's rough, I definitely have felt similarly. A big problem is that a lot of professors tend to be hyperfocused on their own field and what makes art meaningful To Them. (the amount of times I've walked out of a class grumbling cuz a LA prof only wanted to talk about white box gallery work and didn't even know we HAD an animation department...) Which isn't always bad if you gel with the right ones, but other times it can definitely put a dampener on your work. A good way to look at art sometimes I think is that what's "meaningful" about it can be the smallest stupidest reason ever. And you just gotta stand by that, even if other people think it's lame. Sometimes the meaning was in making it, or getting to share it, sometimes the meaning is drawing your favorite blorbo in a white void because it gave you an outlet and makes you happy. That's meaningful, you just gotta know how to argue for that meaning sometimes. (profs LOVE a good bullshitter)

Turning in things for a grade rather than because you enjoy it is never going to be the best format for art regardless of what kind of art you're making. I've found the more I stuck it out the more things I actually enjoyed became available to me and now I'm kinda (not fully tho, im SO glad to be graduating fyi) regretting all the classes I never got the chance to take. You just gotta take it one day at a time and remember that art school should be there as a place to practice and better both your work and your own understanding of the work you make which can feel tedious and unnecessary at times but its worth it in the end(in my experience).

In the end you're the one paying for it and if you're not getting what you want out of it, it's best to look for other avenues, I did! I'm not graduating from the college I started at and I'm honestly really thankful for that.

Anyways, sorry for rambling lol, and thank you for you kind words. I wish you the best anon, you hang in there!

[creep-u-out]

been doing a lot of self reflection lately, here's some long nonsensical entries from me attempting to articulate and structure my thoughts

i should be getting gratification out of what i do, and other people assure me that im doing good and i'm talented therefore i should theoretically feel like my actions matter. However, i myself dont hold value to them because I don't value myself so how can i value the things i do when i dislike the person doing them? i think this is where my issue lies, i pretend my art is meaningful and built my identity on it for years. but the sad reality is that i dont feel all that fulfilled from drawing, but moving onto a new hobby and LIFE PATH feels like an extreme waste of my time and efforts. i spent years building this for myself, i chose this path on my own accord, i wanted this, so why arent i happy now that i have it? did i ever truly want it? yeah probably, but i dont know if i want this anymore. and this is something that genuinely hurts me to admit, its something i feel a deep sense of guilt and shame for, but i don't think i want to be just an artist anymore.

Point blank, I am not happy. My default emotion for the last month has been sadness and i feel miserable every day like im stuck in some sad time loop of repetitiveness and nothingness. My boyfriend asked me if I ever feel happy, and i said yes, to which he asked me if that happiness came from within me or from external things. And of course I said that it all came from external factors (such as getting validation from teachers, friends, my bf himself, strangers online etc) and he asked me if that was a sustainable way to get happiness. I answered of course not, because evidently it has not been working for me. I explained I can't take happiness from within me because there isn't much left to take from, all my happiness isnt longterm and is stemmed from plain distractions. For me, happiness is whatever keeps me from feeling sad, which is good enough for me because I really feel like I'm out of options here. He told me that the problem here is that i'm taking happiness and not creating it myself.

I'm glad i decided to become an artist and I'm proud of myself for putting in as much effort as I did but when I see myself 10 years from now the image of me sitting at a desk in my room working on some animation project all day in isolation sounds so, so unappealing. which is crazy to say now, it was genuinely my dream for so fucking long and its what ive been working towards. albeit i still want to make cool art but god do i hate the process of creation. i will always hold so much respect for art because its a pursuit that comes with so much pain despite it being seen as an outlet for pain. it's ironic.

but now this is even more daunting. as the end of highschool approaches i feel like im just awaiting the end, i'm tired of having decisions made for me. I liked it at first, i liked it for a long time, but for the first time in my life i want agency. I want to build my life the way i want it, I want to be the reason for my own happiness. I'm tired of waiting for the validation of other people to give me the mere permission to feel happy with myself. Why the fuck do I need other people's approval more than my own? I certainly don't have my own approval I hate almost everything I do but i still try to believe it means something because other people like it I want to be in charge of my own happiness even though currently i don't really have the means to, as i'm still in school. but i'm really, really waiting for it to end. i want to know what it feels like to make my own choices and not do things because an authority figure told me to

this is a really interesting thing to think about because in all honesty? i wouldve never realised all this if i hadnt met my boyfriend. I mean yeah i'd probably realise it eventually but i was losing myself at such a rapid rate that i wouldnt have even stopped to think about if i even enjoyed what i was doing. i wouldve never questioned why i care so much about school and external validation, i always knew it was due to my upbringing and past trauma but i wouldve never actually challenged that like i have now. Which is exactly what i'm doing, im challenging my pre-established beliefs because it was literally killing me. I can't let my self worth get thrown around like that just because my parents were mean to me in the past, my life is not for other people to dictate. i really want to forge my own path, whatever that means, i dont know yet. though, now i just need to wait for school to be over with, it's genuinely the biggest thing holding me back from feeling independently happy and free. is this senioritis? lol

this is NOT ME SAYING THAT IM QUITTING ART!!!! i'm still very much centred in art cuz its literally all i have left in terms of what i bring to the table but i'm thinking moreso for the future, i don't want to just be doing this forever

ultimately, i just want to be happy. no one's going to save me, or fix me, or build my house for me. i have to figure out how to do it on my own even if i don't have the confidence to believe i can do so. I'm grateful for the people in my life that support me and stick with me through everything, it makes the burden a lot easier to carry. I'm so so lucky to have such awesome people around me that i genuinely care about and care about me in return, while i dont fully understand why people like me, im glad they do. i talk about how im a "lost cause" or a broken record but in all honesty i dont think thats entirely true, i have a lot going for me and i have really good things in my life and i have goals and ambitions and thats more than some people could even dream of. yeah sure its counterbalanced with chronic mental illness but i mean hey, i overcame my debilitating social anxiety that i thought would hold me back forever but i'm a lot better now in that regard. so i think that goes to show that i am in fact capable of changing, it's just really difficult and painful and takes a fucking long time but its possible.

[lavenderjewels]

what did you think of the jjk ending? :)

Saw this not long after reading the last chapter! Surprisingly, I actually liked the last one and it ended in a pretty decent place. Putting a muuuuch longer response under “Read More” if anyone’s interested.

Sukuna, Uraume, and Mahito’s appearance was best part and a sweet conclusion to the major villain of the series. It was perfect for Sukuna to embrace a new direction after losing and for his curse to seemingly be broken, now with the final finger as protection.

It left on a hopeful note for the main cast and I’m kinda glad there wasn’t more on what’ll happen to Jujutsu society, instead leaving that to the reader. I wasn’t a fan of chapter 269 (Mei Mei, shadow style, the Yuuta alive explanation, etc) for that reason and being an overload of information at the very end (the only chapter that made me think there could be a spinoff lol).

As a whole, this later part of JJK (Yuki’s death onwards) has been messy and a roller coaster of quality. Everything with Yuuta has unfortunately been a source of. too many of my problems. Im not a big fan of JJK 0 (find it generic) and i dislike his role in killing Kenjaku and taking over Gojos body. I also hate how the women were treated in the series—Nobara, Tsumiki, and Yuki especially deserved more involvement, although I’m still happy Nobara was alive despite the frustration of her barely being in it.

I’ve only briefly glanced at JJK tags and it seems to be overwhelmingly negative lol, which is fair, even if this last chapter put a little bandaid on a lot of my disappointment near the end. I haven’t been as invested in the series lately, so my thoughts could change for the better or worse later on. Negativity aside, I had a lot of fun with this series! Despite its reputation, the chapters after Shibuya arc have been some of the best of the series and there’s so many incredible characters and moments (Perfect Preparation arc, CG fights, more with side characters like Uraume, Kenjaku, Takaba, Yuki, Higuruma, etc.) to come. Looking forward to seeing what the anime does with it!

[darkoceangrp10]

BLOG 6: RIGGING AND ANIMATION

Aya Khoury

Now that the model was finalised there was one last step, rigging the model and animating it. The leviathan appeared two times, in the middle of the animation just swimming around the submarine and at the end when it eats the submarine from above. I’m so glad I tested them out before going into texturing because I would’ve had to redo so many things. 

The rigs worked perfectly, I had no problem with the eyes and the teeth so I started animating. The first animation was the monster swimming around the submarine. For the animation of the body, I used the technique of damped tracks. This technique allows all the bones affected by it to be influenced why the one that comes before. So, rotating one bone will make the ones that come after the move, so instead of animating each bone by itself, I was able to animate just one.

Then, I had to create a bezel circle, make its dimension 9x9, and parent the fish and the armature to the circle to make them follow the path. However, the fish and the armature having 2 different origins, assigning them to follow the same path gave very weird results. So I changed the technique and added an empty object, the plain axe. I placed that plain axe on the neck of the monster and then parented the armature to the plain axe, and made the plain axe follow the path. At that point, the only keyframes I had was the bone that influenced the rest of the body.

The second animation was the end animation, where the monster eats the submarine. I didn’t want to make the animation simple, consisting only of the jaw opening, so I checked for reference from the game to see how the fish acted. Its actions were very sharp and quick, as it opened its jaw to eat its prey the head along with the claw moved diagonally. My first try looked really bad, I believe I tried too hard and added too many keyframes. Additionally, the new blender has a new way of adding keyframes, it doesn’t give the option of adding individual X, Y, and Z keyframes, just all three at once. Not being familiar with the new system I struggled a lot with figuring out how to control them. 

So I opened a new file and started over. I first placed the keyframes of the main actions, without breakdowns, and that was enough. I also learned how to delete a singular or all the keyframes of an individual axis through the item window, which helped me a lot. Afterward, I placed a camera and positioned the monster facing down to send it to my teammates. We opened a call with Muqadass to deal with the problems as the mesh was going crazy, but everything was fixed.

 At last, my part of the work was done. I am happy with the way I worked for this project, I wasn’t behind and I faced the challenges well. Modeling keeps feeling more and more natural and easy, but I keep learning more and more through every project. Im also very satisfied with the final result I didn’t know what was going to happen to go into this project but I pleasantly surprised myself with my abilities. Finally, I met up with Muqadass and Robin to use the PCs in the LRC and stayed overnight to render frames and I was very happy with the end result. 

[secretly-sapphic-confessions]

I have been needing to get this off my chest so Im so happy I found this blog (I have been looking for a wlw confession blog for a long time so I must thank you!) TW: HOMOPHOBIA, CURSING (only a little bit) As someone who Is a closeted lesbian in a homophobic family, I have to hear phrases like "Lesbians are disgusting animals!" or "LGBTQ+ is a sin!" or "These people are pathetic and sad and have no value in life!" every day. It always makes me wonder... what would happen when I come out (if I ever actually.) Would they stop these comments, would they treat me as a human, would they apologize? Or would they do the complete opposite. Will they treat me like the "disgusting animal" that I'm said to be? Will they kick me out? Will the day that I come out also be the day my life is ended? Its so fucking hard. My own family unknowingly call me the most disgusting things. I have to hear everyday that "I'm not normal." and how I am a "Sad pathetic person who has no value." Why am I like this? Why me? I hate being a lesbian, I wish I could like men but I just cant. Its getting way to hard to handle, sitting with my mom at night, wondering "How quick would my life change if I said the 5 words, "Mom, I am a lesbian."

My dear Anon, I’d like to begin with thanking you for your ask! It takes a lot to speak up about your problems, even anonymously, so thank you for trusting me with this! <3 (And I’m so glad you found the blog too! I was looking for one too and couldn’t find one so I’ll just do it myself, I’m here to serve)

I’m very sure I don’t have to tell you that those are harrowing things to hear full-stop, never-mind frequently. And Anon, i assure you that you are absolutely none of them! Never ever! Being part of the rainbow gang can be messy, overly idealised and just downright exhausting, but all through your journey you will never be an example to fit next to their false beliefs. Remember, what they say comes from a place of ignorance and centuries of corruption, it’s neither their fault nor yours, but that doesn’t make it anywhere near okay for you to be exposed to. Keep affirming yourself, you are strong, so so brave and beautiful!

As for you wondering about coming out, sometimes you can never know what the outcome will be until you do, but I will say this-

You may have heard this advice before, but I will always reiterate it as many times as possible to keep my kin safe:

never come out in a potentially hostile environment against your better judgement until you can sustain yourself, or have someone to fall back onto in the worst case scenario. (I must especially stress this if you’re young and still dependent on family for essentials/getting to a stable future). It’s absolutely crushing to think that some of us still have to hide ourselves, especially to the ones that are meant to love us most, and for that I apologise to you endlessly for your struggling, you don’t deserve this anon and it’s not okay. absolutely none of this is your fault. We’re here for you. However, if that wondering does get to you and you feel that you would be safe with your family post coming out, I would say go for it, if it’s something you want to do! (always remember you owe coming out to nobody, though! I personally never came out to my parents lmao, I just brought my then girlfriend home and they didn’t say anything, but I’m lucky that they were accepting.) I also have a few friends where their families who have been previously been horribly homophobic have changed their tune considerably after learning their child/relation is LGBT+! Sometimes homophobia does just come from a place of misinformation and normalisation, so it’s good to give them a chance to do better, nothing is set in stone when you’re willing to learn! And at the end of the day, they should always love you for you first, even if they don’t agree with the way you choose to live your life.

Unfortunately I’m someone who has also gone through hating my sexuality, so trust me, I know how it feels. But I’m primarily here to tell you that you can come out the other side of it! It may take time, and it’s going to be hard, especially around people who think differently, but being a lesbian is BEAUTIFUL! You are absolutely STUNNING anon! For just being you! And I say that with the backing of my whole heart! God choose you to be gay because you’re one of his favourite designs, you’re too good for men, trust me! ^_−☆

I sincerely hope that you’re doing okay, and that this resonates with you even a little. This isn’t just your weight to carry! My asks, submissions and even DMs (if they work) are always open for you if you’re in need (or even if you’re not, don’t be shy!) I hope my blog can come to be a safe space for you and many other likeminded individuals. (I promise there will be more content soon haha, Its a lot to work on as a new blog)

Always remember there’s a whole community behind you, and an even more loving and devoted sub-community of Wlw and Sapphics who have gone through similar things, and we’re always here to support you!

My best wishes for you going forward, I know you’ve got this!!

it will get better

~ sappho

[simp4fictionalguys]

Loving the new hype that the JJK anime is bringing!! Can I ask for Yuji x strong fem reader? How would he react to her getting hurt and how would he want to be comforted?? I adore your writing. Keep up the good work ✨

Hey! A Itadori request 🤧 best boy for sure haha. I loved today’s episode! Thank you so much for the compliment! I’m glad that you like my writing, I was a little nervous to start this without knowing if my writing was good enough and not mediocre but comments like this makes my day better and excited to keep writing!

Fushiguro and Y/n were the ones assigned to search for the Sukuna finger. That’s the moment when they met Itadori.

It was a weird meeting if you think about it. However, after that, Y/n and Itadori had been attached to the hip.

The two of them got along almost immediately. They relationship based in playful fighting and teasing. Y/n trying to make Itadori blush without avail (the boy was too oblivious for his own good).

The two of them usually trained together. When they first started their training, Itadori was nervous to do it. What if he hits her too hard? Or if she ends up with a nasty injure?

However, while overthinking, Y/n had already take him down.

Their training sessions consisted in Y/n betting Itadori up. He hasn’t been able to win against her, not even once.

Without realizing it, the two of them had caught feelings. In a pretty Itadori way, he had purred his feelings in one of their training sessions without knowing it. It made Y/n blush and unable to focus at the start, however, Itadori didn’t realize his opportunity and just walked over to her and kissed her lips.

Their friends had laugh and tease them at how Itadori had confessed. Y/n didn’t mind really. She was happy with Itadori now.

From then on, the two of them haven’t had to worry about the other. The two of them being sent to missions together with the other two first years.

Today was the same. The four of them had been sent on a mission together.

“Here’s where the Sukuna finger is suppose to be?” Fushiguro turned to look at Itadori who had his arm in Y/n shoulder while walking. He deadpanned.

“You’re our radar. You should know already.”

Y/n stifle a giggle from her friend remark. Her boyfriend turned to look at her with a fake glare.

They keep walking in the area. They were walking around an hospital, the area was surrounded by trees though. Something weird for an hospital to be.

It didn’t take long for the curses to began acknowledging their presence. The four first years decided to separate in pairs. Itadori and Y/n, while Fushiguro went with Kugisaki.

“Yuuji.” Y/n called at her boyfriend while following the curse running away from them.

Itadori glazed at her showing he was listening to her.

“Don’t let Sukuna out...”

Before the mission, Gojo had pulled Y/n out and talked to her privately.

“I need to ask for a favor Y/n-Chan!”

Y/n crossed her arms at her teacher childish tone. He just smiled at her.

It surprised her how serious he got a second after smiling.

“Don’t let Sukuna take control over Itadori’s body.”

“Huh? Why? I mean, haven’t he taken over before?”

“Yeah, but we don’t have to get used to his strength.”

Itadori hummed at her. His attention was in the curse in front of them. Her words weren’t something he retained in his head.

After her intermission, she put all her attention on the curse. The two of them had to be able to exorcise it without problem but the thing was too fast.

The chasing kept going for a long time. Neither of the two paying attention to their surroundings at the moment. The curse had been able to attract them just the way it wanted.

It took her a while to understand what was this weak curse doing. It had lead them to the boss. The curse that had the Sukuna finger.

It was too late though. The bigger and stronger curse got out of her hiding spot. It had a humanoid body but one could tell that the thing wasn’t human.

The first thing Y/n noticed was how the former curse they were chasing joined the bigger curse’s body

‘So it was part of it... Gross.’

Itadori had run from the left while Y/n went from the right. They strategy was simple. Land fast hits while dodging their attacks.

It worked at the start. However, the longer they hit it, the bigger it got.

“Why aren’t we dealing damage?!”

“Maybe because we’re attacking with cursed energy...”

Itadori turned to look at his girlfriend with a bewildered look.

“How else are we suppose to attack?!”

Y/n straighten her posture. She closed her fist in front of her. In a fats movement she had hit the curse with her pure raw strength. The curse hit back but she was able to dodge and go back to Itadori’s side.

“Why did you do that!” Itadori got close to her checking to see if she was injured or some fatal wound. Y/n smiled at him taking his hands off of her telling him that she was fine.

“Sorry, but look.” She pointed to the curse. Itadori turned around to see that Y/n’s punch had made some damage to it.

“I hit it without curse energy...” She got in position again. The enemy had began charging towards them.

Itadori got in fighting stance too.

‘So no curse energy...’ His fist had no longer curse energy. ‘I’ll have to hit it with just my strength!’

Just like their former strategy, they began landing several hits to the curse, this time without cursed energy.

It worked. The pair had manage to weaken the curse. However, in a moment of distraction, the curse had been able to land a hit.

Y/n saw the curse directing its hit in Itadori’s way. Her mind erase anything not related to her boyfriend, her body moving on its own.

Itadori saw everything in slow motion. One moment he was seeing his enemy fist directing to his face and a second later he saw Y/n take the hit for him.

Y/n feel her body making it’s way to the ground. Itadori’s reflexes saved her from the fall. Now in his arms he retreated a few steps from the curse in a frantic state to check on Y/n.

“Y/n! Hey!” He shook her body a little. “Y/n! Answer me!”

The girl opened her eyes a little. Her head turning to Itadori.

“Yuuji... Im fine...” Y/n tried to stand up but her body gave up against her will.

Yuuji bit his lip at his girlfriend state. He was mad at himself. He should have seen the attack coming his way! If he had he could have dodge and the two of them could have exorcised the curse already!

The descontrol in his emotions had given Sukuna a chance to take over his body without Itadori realizing it.

“Yuuji...! No!” It frustrate her how her voice sound so small. Sadly, she couldn’t do much since her body had run out of energy, her consciousness slowly fading away.

“You care too much about her, brat! Your emotions leaded to my freedom!”

Sukuna had easily defeated the curse. It caught his attention how Itadori hadn’t made an attempt to go back to his body.

Sukuna’s loud and wicked laugher filled the area.

Kugisaki and Fushiguro arrived at the scene. It took them a minute to let the imagen sick in their brain. Fushiguro sprinted to Y/n’s body while Kugisaki followed suit.

Fushiguro had taken Y/n’s body, Kugisaki was in position if Sukuna tried to do something.

“Itadori! Y/n is fine!” Fushiguro yelled for Itadori to come back. Y/n didn’t need Sukuna right now. She needed Itadori Yuuji, her boyfriend !

“Don’t let Sukuna take all the control!” Kugisaki joined Fushiguro trying to get Itadori to come back.

“She ne-“

“Yuuji...! Please!” With her last strength, Y/n was able to call for him.

Sukuna tsked. Itadori had taken control again. The first thing his brain had commanded was to run to Y/n and take her to Jujutsu High to take treatment as soon as possible.

Y/n had woke up in her bed. After the treatment, they had let her rest in her room. She groaned at the pain all over her body. She tried to moved to get out of bed but there was an additional weight in her. Taking a better look at herself she saw her boyfriend cuddling in her side.

Y/n smiled at how cute Itadori looked cuddle beside her like a cat. She run her fingers in his hair gently. Itadori began to stir from his sleep. His movements still affected by his sleepy mode, his eyes landed in his girlfriend’s smiling face.

Y/n was amused at his reaction. His sleepiness had faded faster that lighting, now being replace by an excited Itadori.

“You woke up!” He had throw himself in her without realizing it. Y/n groaned again at the force.

Itadori let go in a hurry, it was funny how fast his body moved trying to check for any more injuries or wounds in her body.

“Yuuji...” She tried to stop him but Itadori didn’t listen to her. “Yuuji! I’m fine!”

Y/n stopped his frantic moves taking his face in her hands. She tried to make eye contact but Itadori kept avoiding her eyes.

“Yuuji... Look at me please...”

Slowly and with trembling eyes, Itadori had focus her eyes on hers.

“I’m sorry... I was so scared when I saw you laying in my arms...!”

Y/n offered a gentle smile trying to ease his stress but Itadori kept getting worked up.

“And I could do anything! And Sukuna ha-“

Itadori was unable to kept talking with his girlfriend lips on his. He corresponded almost instantly. Trying to drown his worries, making sure that she was alive, beside him.

When the need for oxygen had presented, they separate from each other. Y/n got ride of the little tears escaping from his eyes gently with her thumb, he hadn’t realized they were there.

“Why don’t we cuddle?” Itadori nodded at her words, laying gently beside her.

“It wasn’t your fault Yuuji. I chose to protect you. And I’ll happily do it again.”

Itadori hugged her tighter at her words.

“Thank you...”

She stroked his hair gently. Itadori relaxed at the sweet action.

“You know...”

Itadori turned to look at her from his spot. Y/n avoided his eyes with a red face.

“You look kinda hot when Sukuna takes over your body...”

Itadori looked at her with a deadpanned expression.

“Gross Y/n.”

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[twstwonderlandstuff]

Maid Café w/ First Years! (Ace)

I’ve gone and fucked it up mate Fem! Reader Warnings: A little ‘hehehe’ with the descriptions but not really

It's the end of the month and you spent all your money on basic necessities, and when payday- or I suppose, allowance day- came, Crowley forgot to give you the bloody money to continue living, so you had to scrounge up some money. And hey hey hey, there was a spot open in Monstro Lounge, so you took it. Azul, ever the businessman, took an opportunity on your gender (fem!) and dressed you in a typical maid skirt, ones you'd find in your café anime. 

You've dreamed of wearing one, to be honest; the short skirt, the frills, the open neckline that showed off your collarbone, the white ruffles on the top portion, the cute buttons, black tights that stop just below the skirt, the headband, the tie around your neck, everything. It was everything you wanted and more, really. Well, you didn't HAVE you wear it... but Azul promised a fine, a much finer pay then what you'd usually get if you wear it, and you're desperate for the cash, so...

You began pulling your skirt down. "Senpai, um..." "You can always go back if you want, but..." Azul shot back, an evil smirk placate on his face. He knew what you wanted, and he's going to take advantage of it. "Tch..." You sigh, sitting on the couch, your skirt draping flawlessly. Now the only problem was that there was Maid and Butler Day (yes, that's an official holiday in this world, and you don't question this world's oddities) and according to custom, maids and butlers must give out a Special Treatment consisting of lap pillow, an ear clean out and feeding, which is... hmmm, it’s interesting... no you’re not interested bullshit that’s BULLSHIT Yes, alright, yes, you SO SO want to do it- you crave the attention and WANT IT- but seriously, you thought you'd have a bit of practice first! You're pretty grateful that your friends decide to spare you some of the harassments that'll eventually come.

*Ace* "Hey, prefect." Ace greets coolly, already snickering. "Nice getup." You acknowledge him with a nod and start your act- or was it just an act?  "Welcome, master." You smile at him, grinning cheekily. "What can I get you?" You hand him the menu, your eyes looking directly at him. "Um..." Ace swallows his dry throat, taken aback at your appeal. "I-I'll get the A3." "Of course, master. Please wait a minute." You stand up, taking the menu with it and tugging down your skirt. Ace sits down on the coach and swears. "Fuck." He looks up at your figure, the image completely plastered in his mind. 'Oh god...' - You return, plate in hand. "I'm back, master." You sit back down gently, making sure the plate doesn't fall. "A3, just as you ordered." Ace mutters a thanks, taking the food from you, but you resist his hold. "Master, please let me feed you." You say. He has the gal to laugh, then say: "What, like couples? Aww, I didn't know you wanted me THAT bad, Y/N~" A light blush colors your cheeks, but you answer back: "Well, you know now, master. Now come," You take a scoop of the food and lift it to chin-height. "Say ah~" Now it's Ace's turn to blush, not expecting that. "A-ah..." He swallows the food, temporarily forgetting the situation. "Is good!" "Monstro Lounge serves good food." You agree, breaking character just a bit. Ace seems to collect his nerves, because the next thing he does surprises you. He openly gazes your form, from top to bottom, stopping at certain parts to admire it more. You blush at the sudden attention, but don't say anything- you love it, after all.

- He finishes the meal and sighs in glee. "Mhm, its good." You nod in agreement, a smirk making its way on your lips. It's time for the lap pillow- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Calm yourself, good god! You softly pat your lap, like an invitation. "Master, I bet you're feeling a little sleepy. Please feel free to use me as a pillow." Ace knows what you're going for and hey, since you're going so far as to say that, why not use the opportunity? "Sure." He simply says, crawling up to you. His warm fingers meet your warm thighs, making you slightly shift. "Hey, don't move." He grumbles, positioning himself so that he faces inwards, your stomach in front of his eyes. Ahh, you're so warm... he wonders if he can ask for this again sometime in the future... "R-right..." You let a stutter slip. You're adorable, he thinks. Yeah, he's totally going to ask for another lap pillow when this is done- that is if the other first years don't get to it. Ace 'tsk' just thinking about it, jealously flaring up in his heart. Seriously, you're not even his (yet), how can you make him feel this way?! He slowly falls asleep under you, these thoughts swirling in his head. You notice Ace's breathing slow, feeling the cold breeze hit your lower abdomen. You look down at him, happy that he finds your lap satisfying, but you haven't even gotten to the ear cleaning yet, but... You glance back at him, his chest exhaling and inhaling slowly. Maybe you'll let this one slide... after all, what maid disturbs her master when he's asleep?

Ahh, you’re so glad you spend all your times back in your world watching the blue-light screen instead of getting proper sleep- you wouldn’t get to experience THIS gem!

I’ll do the other first years later but now Ace brain rot

I’m a fucking sinner and if my parents find out I wrote this I’d like to d i e thanks

it’s a day after Christmas and I’m here just-

oh god maybe i do want to visit a maid cafe

i’m so fucked im dying that’s it bye

edit: 16/1/2021 why are you like this self my god this is the most ‘ohhh wow it’s steamy but not rlly’ thing I've ever written disgusting

I'm going to to edit some parts i can’t bear to look at this anymore

ace was just simply dominating my brain

there

‘not steamy but like kinda suggestive???’ scenes BEGONE

[spookybreadstick]

hi, im new :) Dont worry abt what u write its rly good and ily💗 i came 2 stay and hope ur doing well!

I was hoping if i could get some fluffy™ headcanons or a scenario -whatever ur choice is- with a female reader and L.J? The reader has a strong sense of justice but is extremely compassiomate, wise, quiet/shy and like touch starved🥺🥺👉🏻👈🏻 sorry if im crinGe i need more content of him on this site-- Im not sure what else to add 2 help u w this since i just woke up lolol but yeah thank u sm in advance, i wish u all the best💌💛💋

hello newbie! thank you for stopping by and i’m glad you want to stay! i am doing pretty well (i took down my x-mas decorations today and there are a lot of them bc decorating is fun, so i had mini chocolate santas as a reward lol) i hope you are well, also! and thank you so much for the writing compliment, it means a lot to me!!

🍬 LJ x Reader (compassionate, wise, quiet/shy, touch-starved, strong sense of justice, female) Relationship HCs 🍬

💖💞💖💞💖💞

🍬 LJ thinks you’re the cutest girl in the whole world!!

🍬 He adores your compassionate nature, it makes him feel very happy to have such a caring girlfriend 

🍬 He also likes that you are wise. It makes him feel very proud to have such a smart girlfriend. 

🍬 You will have to step in to keep him out of trouble, and he'll listen to you.

🍬 If you tell him that telling that joke at the dinner table is a bad idea, or that you shouldn't trap a bunch of bees to launch at Jeff's head because he won't find it too funny, then he won't do it. 

🍬 Which is saying something, because LJ usually just does what he wants despite other people's opinions because he thinks his bad jokes/pranks are funny. 

🍬 But also, if you'd like to have some fun with him, you could tell him literally anything in a serious tone and he'd believe it 100%. 

🍬 He trusts whatever you say because you are wise (especially compared to him lol, he's the opposite of wise) 

🍬 If you have a strong sense of justice, that can mean a couple of different things: 

Situation One: You're really into criminal justice and the law. This can be sort of a problem because, you know, LJ's "line of work". But LJ is totally justified in his actions IMO (remember, he 'deals with' those who have hurt children) so hopefully you understand. It's his personal way of dishing out justice, and if you get behind him on that, it'll make him feel even better about what he does. He'll be sure to keep you away from people like Jeff though, who don't dish out justice. 

Situation Two: You're really into justice as in people being fair and treating others well, with those who don't getting what's coming to them in the end (like karma). LJ would love this, as he believes that being nice and making others happy is the key to your own happiness. Again, he would keep you away from Jeff who is kind of believes the opposite.

Situation Three: You're really into social justice (LGBTQ+ rights, equality, racial diversity, etc) which LJ adores about you. You correct him on his outdated language (he was created in the 1800s, and obviously times have changed since then). He would never want to offend anybody, but he often genuinely doesn't know because society has progressed past when people considered certain things appropriate in the 1800s. So if he says something outdated, please gently correct him, he wants to know and he'll refrain from using that word/phrase in the future. LJ also finds social justice topics very interesting, he could listen to you talk about them for hours.

🍬 LJ is easily excited by the small things. 

🍬 "LOOK, LOOK!" 

"What is it, LJ!?" 

"THERE'S A CLOWN ON TV!!!"

 "T-that's it? Why are you shouting then?"

 "He's like me :)" 

🍬 Honestly, he finds joy in little things like that. Seeing a fellow clown on TV. Judging by the way he talks though, you would have thought that something incredible was going on. 

🍬 LJ's also very loud in everything he does. 

🍬 This fool has no concept of "using your indoor voice". 

🍬 He's also extremely outgoing and extroverted, and he loves talking to people about anything and everything. 

🍬 Ah, but you're quiet/shy? 

🍬 That's okay, he'll do the talking for the both of you :) 

🍬 He'll also try to take the spotlight from you if you're uncomfortable with being the center of attention. LJ adores being the center of attention, so it's the opposite of a problem for him. 

🍬 Everyone kind of thinks you make a funny couple; the sweet, quiet girl and the obnoxiously loud clown. 

🍬 But those kinds of pairings can be the best ones. Opposites do attract, after all.

🍬 Also. You're touch-starved? Well.... 

🍬 This is literally what happens. (I made this meme myself because I had a stroke of inspiration lmao) 

🍬 Girl, he was trapped in a BOX for YEARS.

🍬 OF COURSE HE'S TOUCH-STARVED!!

🍬 Also like, he's spent many decades without any romantic partners, so now that he's got a girlfriend he's eager to be all touchy-feely 

🍬 He really likes that you are touch-starved as well, so you won’t mind his abundance of affection. 

🍬 LJ loves to give hugs <3 He gives surprisingly great hugs with his noodle-y arms

🍬 Loves to cuddle as well. Major cuddle-bug. You are small compared to him, (no matter how tall you are, he is taller) so you're like a lil stuffed animal for him to snuggle up to. 

🍬 All in all, LJ loves you and you would make a perfect couple <3 

also, don’t worry about being cringe/self-indulgent! that’s what this blog is for, essentially!

- breadstick 🥖

[wonderlustlucas]

mistletoe? oh no! - im jaebeom

⇢ prompt Why do we kiss under a mistletoe when it’s a parasitic plant that steals nutrients from its host tree? ⇢ pairing jaebeom x female reader ⇢ word count 6.9k ⇢ genre fluff ⇢ warnings swearing. alcohol. suggestive make out at the end :D ⇢ summary Six months ago, you drunkenly kissed Im Jaebeom on a beach trip with your friends. Afterward, the awkward tension kept the two of you from ever having the ‘What are we?’ talk and eventually, too much time had passed for anything to ever happen. Luckily, Pollyanna and a stupidly placed mistletoe have brought your feelings to the boiling point.—friends to lovers!au ⇢ a/n happy new year’s my loves! as one last hurrah for 2019 & as part of @kwritersworld‘s holiday writing event, here is yet another idiots to lovers, christmas/nye au! here’s to a lovely new year, & new decade. i hope you all have a blessed, joyous, & prosperous year. i love you! ♥︎

You once thought that you were an introvert.

You know— someone deemed shy, with a preference to keep to themselves rather than going out of their way to interact with others. Introvert. Opposite of extrovert.

It wasn’t until you were a senior in high school did you learn new definitions for these personality categories. An introvert—according to your philosophy teacher and a TED Talk speaker shown on the projector during class—is someone who, simply put, thinks of how they feel before speaking. Extroverts, on the other hand, only identify their true feelings on a topic after they have begun discussing it.

The lesson stuck with you. Albeit your perpetual reservation from others, you were always one to argue. Smart, excellent report card over the years— but found yourself blurting your opinion out at the first chance before fully thinking it through. Now, you concluded, I suppose I’m an extrovert if that truly is what it means. This knowledge, for some strange reason, gave you a token for change. If I’m an extrovert, you thought, I must start acting one.

Now, having just been accepted into law school, you think you have hit the nail on the head when it comes to meeting both definitions of an extrovert. Park Jinyoung, on the other hand, has his doubts.

“Are you sure you want to do this? Have you really thought about what this is gonna do to your life?” Despite the genuine concern laced in his tone, Jinyoung’s words make you wince. How he manages to suck the life out of a celebratory night out for drinks truly is beyond you.

“Yes, Jinyoung,” you groan, taking a desperate sip of your coquito like it’s really going to help against his insufferableness, “I’ve only been working for this for a few years, let me change my mind now.”

“You didn’t answer the question,” he counters, leaning in close enough for you to taste his Jo Malone fragrance on your tongue. You raise a skeptical brow at him. “Have you thought about what becoming a lawyer is going to make of your life?” His words are clipped and emphasized like he is speaking to a child, trying desperately to get his point across.

“I appreciate you looking out for me and my future, Jinyoung,” you sigh, reclining back in your bar stool because sitting that close to Jinyoung for that long makes your head dizzy, “but I promise you, I have thought about this. I know I have a lot of hard work ahead of me, but it’s what I want to do. I promise.”

Jinyoung huffs, defeated, before tipping his wine glass back and chugging what is left like some sort of animal. Very not Jinyoung-like. “Well, then I guess there’s no reason to not celebrate with you,” he grins. Then, not even a beat later, “When are you gonna make time to marry Jaebeom and have a bunch of sexy little babies?”

“Aw, for crying out loud!” You howl, slapping a hand to your forehead before turning to him with a pointed glare and a pointed finger. “Okay, first of all, the fact that you used sexy and babies in the same sentence concerns me. And second, stop saying me and Jaebeom are going to get married! He doesn’t even look at me, how do you equate marriage out of that?”

“You mean, you don’t look at him. You guys had a great time when we went to the beach not even six months ago, saw each other half naked, shared a drunken kiss before bed, and then dropped all communication! What the hell is up with that?” Jinyoung has a habit of lecturing you like it’s his full-time job and it drives you absolutely insane because he’s always right.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” you mumble, bringing your glass to your lips and taking a lengthy sip just to buy some time. “Come on, ___. My boy is out here drowning in unrequited love while you’re just all ‘Teehee! I’m a lawyer! Don’t talk to me when I’m doing lawyer tings!’ Cut the bullshit and let him take you on a date and blow your back out for Christ’s sake!”

You are physically unable to suppress your laughter, hand flying to cover your mouth and head thrown back at his comical outburst. He’s lucky you love him or else he would seriously regret that outrageously inaccurate imitation of your voice. He’s lucky you are tipsy enough to lose yourself in laughter and he’s especially lucky that he is correct, once again.

“Jinyoung,” you wheeze, letting out one more breathless giggle before flipping on the serious mode switch, “I would love to not only go out on a date with Jaebeom, but to date him. But things got awkward and so much time as passed that suddenly starting things up again would be weird. Don’t you think?”

“No!” Jinyoung yells. Half the people at the bar jump at the noise and turn to glare. You do just the same before shooting an older gentleman beside Jinyoung an apologetic look. “I just don’t think you’re drinking enough.”

“Yes,” then, a pause to ask the bartender for the check now that Jinyoung’s lectures are starting to put a downer on you, “that’s exactly it. I’m afraid to get drunk off my ass when Jaebeom’s around because I’ll do something stupid and either scare him off or bring him home and both are terrible options!”

“You’re no fun,” Jinyoung scoffs, “my two best friends, both pining after one another, but pulling the sixteen-year-old card and not talking to each other. Great! Just great.”

You laugh, hopping down from your seat and patting his knee once you have slipped on your coat. “Buy a mistletoe for the Christmas party and maybe something can be arranged.”

Jinyoung doesn’t find it funny.

For the past six years, it has been tradition for you and your friends to have a belated Christmas slash New Year’s party where Pollyanna gifts are exchanged and an excessive amount of alcohol is consumed because, well, your friends are fun. For the past three, however, you have been holding said party at Youngjae’s house, because he is the only one who has a house and houses are infinitely better for parties than apartments. Plus, Youngjae is a gracious man who welcomes the company year after year. Can’t understand why he wants nine psychopaths in his lovely little abode, but that’s not your problem.

What is your problem is the fact that there actually is a mistletoe hanging from the ceiling fan in the kitchen. You’re going to kill Jinyoung.

You once thought Choi Youngjae was the coolest person to bless the planet. Now, you’re not so sure.

It’s the first thing your eye goes to upon entering Youngjae’s outrageously beautiful row home. Usually, you need a solid ten minutes to accept the fact that you will never become a model and have as many zeroes at the end of your savings as Youngjae, spending way too much time swooning over his grey vinyl wood floors and brick fireplace and white marble countertops. This time, however, while Jinyoung and Yugyeom do the whole bro hug greeting after wiping the snow from their shoes, you stand pressed up awkwardly against the front door, crockpot of buffalo chicken dip in hand, glaring at the stupid thing from two rooms over. Before you can turn an accusing finger to Jinyoung, Youngjae has turned to welcome you.

“You made it!” He cheers, flashing that thousand-watt smile of his and easing some of the tension that has begun to build up in your nerves like plaque. “Somehow, someway,” you return, relaxing into his embrace when he curves around the precious chicken dip to offer a half hug. “You need a drink,” Youngjae decides after having evaluated the lack of excitement in your response. Following after Jinyoung and Yugyeom, he leads you into the kitchen with a lively bounce to his step. “Bambam just finished making hot toddies, or you could be the first to take from our jell-o shot Christmas tree.”

He gestures to said “tree” on his dining table, a neatly stacked pile of green, red, and blue jell-o shots and you feel awfully terrible at having to ruin its perfected assembly. “It’s beautiful,” you muse, setting the crockpot on the counter and plugging its cord into an outlet, “it would be my honor to have the first one.”

“___!” Hollers Jackson as he slides open the door from the back patio and enters the kitchen, Maggie filing in after him. He must have joined her for a smoke outside. He proceeds to do a little dance shimmy as he makes his way over to you. “Jackson, my love,” you grin, squeezing him into a tight hug after he slaps a messy kiss to your cheek. “How are you, Miss I-Got-Accepted-Into-Law-School?”

That is going to be the topic of discussion for the night, it seems, and the heat of an embarrassed blush works its way up your neck at the realization. “I’m good. Really good, actually,” you say, directing your attention to Maggie who slips around Jackson to tuck into your side, “definitely not as stressed as I was. The holidays are a nice break from everything.”

“We’re all so proud of you,” Maggie hums, leaning her head on your shoulder.

“Seriously, congratulations, again. You deserve it,” Jackson praises, reaching to squeeze your cheek. You swat his hand away in fear he will mess up the foundation you spent way too much time applying.

“Thank you, guys. I’m glad someone is happy for me,” you grumble, directing a cold glare to Jinyoung who, somehow, has already managed to fire Yugyeom up.

“What?” Bambam interjects, jumping into the conversation now that he has made his way into the room. “Didn’t you guys go out when you got accepted?”

“Yeah,” you sigh, smiling to the very expensive looking boy, “but he’s more worried than excited. Thinks I’m not considering how becoming a lawyer is going to affect my future, the stress of it, having a family, but…”

Maggie scoffs. “God, he sounds like your dad.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Ugh! Everyone, shoo! Why are we all in the kitchen? Go sit in the living room,” Youngjae hisses, grabbing Bambam by the shoulders and shoving him out of the room. Bambam makes a sound of protest, gesturing dramatically to all the food and the pot of hot toddy still on the stove.

“You can come back when there isn’t an entire crowd in here,” Youngjae counters, slapping a handful of jell-o shots into his hands, “I made Yugyeom promise to not eat all of ___’s dip, you don’t need to worry.” Bambam grumbles in response, stumbling after the others and you follow suit with a laugh.

Pausing just before the living room, Bambam stops to pass everyone a shot. “Here’s to Christmas and getting Jaebeom and ___ to kiss under the mistletoe.”

“Stop!” You whine, just as the rest ‘clink’ their cups and shout, “Cheers!” Nevertheless, down the hatch the jell-o goes and you glare at them all once they are done.

“Oh, speak of the Devil,” Yugyeom snickers just as you have ran ahead to crash down on the sofa, stretching your legs out across the chaise. Rolling over off your stomach, you turn to watch Mark, Jaebeom, and Shelby arrive, one too many gift bags and bottles of wine in hand. “Oh,” Maggie whispers from beside you, elbow nudging into your side, “look at your man.”

Funny thing is, you already are. To give you the benefit of the doubt— you were already watching the trio stumble into the room anyway, but it just so happened you stopped at Jaebeom. Before things between you got complicated, when you were just friends, he always had a way of stealing the oxygen from your lungs. Now is no different.

Dressed in black slacks, a white tee tucked in and a baby blue blazer to top it all off, Jaebeom looks nothing short of marvelous. He’s been growing his hair out, too, the black waves curling down to brush his cheekbones, screaming to be combed through with your fingers. And oh Christ, you can’t even begin to talk about the nose piercing. In the midst of your swooning, Jaebeom looks up after having deemed his sneakers clean enough to walk through Youngjae’s home, scanning the room before conveniently landing on you. The blush on both of your faces is instantaneous, hardly a second of maintaining eye contact before the embarrassment burns too hot and you turn away. Still, you can’t fight your smile.

Neither can he.

“Now the party’s started!” Mark hoots, swinging two bottles in the air like he’s asking for disaster. “Hurry and put everything down so we can play something,” Yugyeom whines from his seat across the room, pushing Jaebeom’s butt to move faster. “Patience is a virtue, Yugyeom,” Jinyoung comments, throwing a Hershey Kiss wrapper at him.

“Absolute children,” Maggie mutters. You hum in agreement.

“Do you wanna play the alphabet game?” Bambam proposes, earning a groan from Jackson. He hates the game, despite how often you all play it, claiming it takes too much brain power for a party.

“Yes! I’m down,” Shelby shouts anyway, having returned in time to hear Bambam’s question. To Jackson’s misery, you all agree as well.

“Youngjae!” Bambam shouts, waiting for him to yell back. “Grab the peppermint vodka when you come in! We’re playing the alphabet game!”

The way you all play most likely has deviated from the original rules of the game, but it works and it’s fun. Sitting in a circle, you go through the alphabet, naming something in a certain category that begins with whatever letter you’re on. For example, if you were doing fruits and were on the letter W, you could say watermelon. But, the person to your right is counting to ten, and once that time is up, you have to take a shot and the letter moves on to the next person until someone gets a word. Sounds easy, until you’re three shots in and not even halfway through the alphabet.

With Shelby collapsing down between Yugyeom and Jackson on the love seat, Youngjae on the armchair by the fireplace, and Mark on the bean bag brought down from upstairs, you realize with a rising sense of panic that the only possible seating for Jaebeom is by—

“Hey,” he says, tapping your outstretched legs, “can I sit here? You can keep your legs stretched. I don’t mind.”

“Oh, sure, sure!” You squeak, jerking to sit up and to pull your legs to your chest. However, just as he sits, he grabs your ankles to tug them back. Hesitantly, and with an appreciative smile sent his way, you hesitantly lay your legs over his lap, his arms comfortably rested over them. Oh, fuck.

Swallowing hard and trying to ignore the way your heart flutters in her chest, you turn back to your friends where the game is just starting.

“Okay, I’ll start since I’m in the middle,” Mark announces, readjusting himself in the bean bag to sit closer to the coffee table, “Yugyeom, you count. Actually, you don’t need to, I already have my word. A, as in artificial tree.”

“One word, idiot,” Youngjae scoffs, smacking the back of Mark’s head, “take a shot. Yugyeom, you go.”

The younger boy pales, panicking when Mark does as he is told. Then, he blurts, “A as in angel!”

“B as in bells!” Shelby shouts.

“C as in… Christmas,” Jackson says with a wink.

“D as in December,” Jinyoung hums nonchalantly.

“E as in eggnog!” Bambam cheers.

“F as in…” Maggie pales, trailing off. In your head, you start to count, while simultaneously trying to think of a holiday word that starts with F. “Festive!” She shouts suddenly. “Oh, shit, um… G as in… gingerbread?” You huff, relieved.

“H as in holiday,” Jaebeom says with a soft smile. All eyes are on Youngjae as he stares hopelessly at the ceiling. “I, as in…”

In your head, you count alongside Mark. “What the fuck starts with I?” Youngjae hisses, slapping his knees anxiously. The silence is deafening until Mark shouts with a sadistic grin, “TEN!” Youngjae hangs his head low before reaching for the bottle. Ironic, because Mark can’t think of a word, and neither can Yugyeom, Shelby, or Jackson. Jinyoung grins at their expense until it’s his turn. “Icicle,” he says without a beat.

“That’s not Christmas-y!” Yugyeom whines, hands thrown up dramatically. “Can you think of anything better, stupid?” Jinyoung fires back, evidently shutting him up. Poor Yugyeom, he can never win.

“J as in Jesus,” Bambam says with a laugh.

“K? Bruh, you gotta be joking,” Maggie sighs, throwing her head back against the sofa, trying to concentrate. “Ten,” you sigh sadly even though you counted to fifteen, patting her knee and Youngjae passes her the bottle. “Um, K as in…” Christ, you can’t think of anything either. Kris Kringle? No, two words, fuck.

“Ten!” Jaebeom chuckles, squeezing your calf and you quickly take a swig with a wince. The round goes all the way to Shelby, who happily yells, “Kings!”

The game drags on, keeping you all at the edge of your seats by the time U and V come around. When it comes to W, everyone has had one too many shots to be able to think quickly enough to come up with wreath. Except for Jinyoung, of course. You give up on Z, deciding there is no such word and you all let out a relieved breath at the game’s conclusion. “Does this mean we can eat now?” Jackson mumbles, far too gone for a party that has only started hardly an hour ago.

“Yes! I’m ravenous,” Bambam groans, helping his friend stand. Together, they’re the first to make way into the kitchen and you’re surprised Youngjae doesn’t chase after them to make sure they don’t knock anything over.

“Well,” Jaebeom yawns and you are suddenly mortified to realize that your legs are still casually stretched out over his lap. “That was fun.” Swinging your legs away and moving to sit up, you nod in agreement. “Very fun. Love watching you and Jinyoung outsmart us every time.”

“Hey,” he frowns, elbowing your arm now that you’re sitting upright beside him, “nobody could think of tree for T, but you did, so shush.” You turn to give him an unamused look. “That’s because Jinyoung was overthinking, and Maggie and Bam drank too much,” you laugh, standing with a stretch. Jaebeom raises an eyebrow. “What?” You ask, unsure of what that look means.

“Why does your snowman have a cape? Oh—” he starts, lifting the fabric attached to the winking snowman on your ugly sweater to find a carrot penis below the three buttons. Jaebeom breaks out into laughter, face scrunched up and head thrown back and it consequently makes you laugh, too. Well, if there was any person that was going to ask first, you’re glad it was him. “Was not expecting that,” he chuckles, wiping the tears that have accumulated at his eyes before rising to stand and oh, suddenly you feel so small with him standing so close to you like that. God, he’s beautiful, you admire. Without thinking, you brush away a tuft of hair that has fallen over his eye, just to see your favorite pair of moles. It isn’t until rosiness blooms across his cheekbones do you realize what you just did.

“Sorry,” you rush breathlessly, taking a step back and turning to make sure nobody saw that. Luckily, only Shelby and Yugyeom remain, too busy cozying up to one another to notice. “___!” Maggie shouts from the kitchen like some godsent angel whose purpose is to save you from awkward moments. “You have to come see this!”

You shoot Jaebeom an awkward smile before swinging around him and making a beeline for the kitchen. Idiot, you scold yourself before taking a deep breath and bringing a smile to your face. “What?” You hum, leaning your head on Maggie’s shoulder. All it is is a SnapChat story of someone you went to university with, a picture of an engagement ring, but you are beyond grateful she called you in. After she stops to take a selfie with you, you navigate around your friends to start a pile of food on your plate, everything from dim sum (thanks, Jackson), grilled pork belly, kimbap, bulgogi sandwiches, spaghetti (thanks, Jackson, part two), and, of course, tortilla chips with your buffalo chicken dip. Big plate for big brain.

Despite the crowdedness, thankfully you are able to avoid standing anywhere close to the mistletoe once Jaebeom enters the room only a few moments later. Finally making your way to the dining table, you let out a sigh of relief now that you don’t have to worry about anything looming above. Of course, your friends have a different idea.

“___,” Maggie purrs just as you have set your plate down, gazing at you expectantly and fluttering her lashes.

“What do you want?”

“Could you get a water for me? There’s bottles in the fridge. Pleeeaaase?” She sings. You wave her off, having already turned around. Can’t be mad at her, honestly; you forgot to grab something for yourself to drink, anyway. Pulling two bottles off the shelves and nudging the refrigerator door closed, you’re just trying to grab a potato chip from the bowl on the counter when Mark rounds the corner and trips over his own feet, coincidentally falling towards you but when you step back to avoid the red wine sloshing in his glass, Jinyoung has suddenly appeared behind you and you stumble over his foot.

It’s a good plan, you think, expecting Jaebeom to catch you like some fucking knight of shining armor and steady you just below the mistletoe, but unfortunately for them, you’re quick to reach for the counter and Jaebeom has literally just turned around in his search for silverware. Regaining your balance against the cabinets, you do not miss the group’s combined groan of disappointment and can’t help but triumphantly grin. “You okay, Mark?” You ask, spinning around and suppressing a laugh at the ‘please don’t kill me’ look in the older boy’s eyes. “Yep,” he coughs, stepping to the side as you brush past.

Dinner is tense, to say the least. Maybe it’s just you. You’re annoyed, beyond so, at your friends’ lack of maturity. Relatively speaking, yes, they are trying to help push you and Jaebeom in the right direction, but their ways of operation lack any beneficial qualities. This is your problem, and you have to deal with it yourself.

You stay quiet, for the most part, occupying your thoughts simply on eating and the approaching excitement of Pollyanna. When you all picked out of a hat a little over a month ago, you initially panicked at Bambam’s name looking back at you on the folded piece of paper. As it turned out, buying gifts for him ended up working out; first, you found matching sweaters for him and his cats, then a travel set for his Bleu de Chanel cologne, a mermaid blanket he had found an Instagram ad for and wouldn’t shut up about, and finally a gift card to his favorite Thai restaurant. What’s more exciting is finding out who has your gifts. Plus, everyone did incredibly well keeping quiet this year, managing to make it all the way without slipping who had who.

Unfortunately, your irritable emotions aren’t done for the night. After finishing your much needed, sobering meal, your goblin friends are prepared to have you and Jaebeom beneath that mistletoe if it’s the last thing they will ever do. Trying to clean up before everyone really gets trashed is an absolute nightmare, everyone taking part in the scheme of leaving just the two of you in the room, nudging him your way, asking you to help Jaebeom do this, help Jaebeom do that. It only gets worse once he realizes what they’re trying to do, curving around you like you have the plague and each time you make eye contact, you contemplate fleeing to the bathroom just to scream.

After what feels like ages spent in the stifling kitchen, you migrate back to the living room to finally, finally open gifts. Good riddance, mistletoe. At everyone’s look of general disappointment, you let out your umpteenth relieved sigh of the night and collapse back into your precious spot at the sofa. You know you’re getting old when you have only been out for two and a half hours and you’re already exhausted.

To make matters worse—or better, you can’t really tell at this point—Jaebeom also sits back down beside you. You can tell he’s anxious; he’s gone back and forth between picking at his nails and a scab on his jaw for a while now and you almost want to say something until you remember how deliberately he dodged you in the kitchen. Maybe, just maybe, a part of you had hoped he would have taken the opportunity and kissed you himself. Why would things ever be so simple?

“Alrighty, friends,” settling into his chair, Youngjae beams. “Let’s get this party started. We’ll go in the same circle as before.”

In turn, Mark flashes that boyish smile of his and leans across the table to pass a bag and small box to Jinyoung. “Ooh,” the younger boy hums excitedly, “thanks, Mark.” Next, Yugyeom hands Jackson a bag, Shelby slides a big box to Youngjae, and, breaking into a fit of laughter, Jackson ends up giving a bag right back to Yugyeom. Jinyoung passes Maggie her gift, and when Bambam rises to hand Jaebeom a hefty bag, you can’t help but miss the way he glances sadly to you before smiling gratefully at his friend and engulfing him into a hug. Suddenly, it dawns on you that there are only three other people left, and watch with an impending sense of dread as Maggie walks across the room to give Shelby her gift. Two left.

Grinning excitedly, you lean over to pass Bambam his gift bag, earning a smile in return bright enough to put the Sun out of business. Now, the moment you all have been waiting for.

Sucking in a deep breath, you turn to Jaebeom, sending all prayers to God that he will rise to hand Mark the bag in his hands.

The universe laughs.

“Ugh,” Jaebeom groans, grinning like a Cheshire cat, “you’re so far.” He places the gift bag, which, is surprisingly heavier than expected, on your lap. “Thanks, Jae,” you manage, smiling fondly at him. Behind him, Youngjae drops a box by Mark’s feet, but by now everything around you has faded into the background, leaving only you and Jaebeom floating in the midst of it all. Even though he has turned away, you can’t stop staring at him. Why’d it have to be him? What are the chances? God, something tells you you’re going to fall in love by the time the night is over.

It isn’t until the tearing of wrapping paper registers in your mind do you snap out of it, coming back to reality and quickly redirecting your attention to opening your gift.

There’s a lot to unfold here, you think with a racing heart, removing the tissue paper and finding three separate items inside. You go for the small box first. It’s a jewelry box, no doubt, but this doesn’t keep the butterflies in your stomach at bay once you lift the beige lid to reveal a rose gold bracelet, diamonds in the pattern of a constellation. There’s a small card attached to the lid, too, and flipping that over you read that it is the constellation for your zodiac sign. “Jae,” you whimper, lips curling into a pout and he laughs at your touched expression. “This is beautiful.”

“Shh! Open everything first,” he hushes, waving you off and returning to his own gift.

Sucking in a deep breath, you do as you’re told and reach for the much larger box. Tearing open the wrapping paper and lifting the lid, you find a glass dome atop a wooden base, and inside is a beautiful red and gold rose with little fairy lights surrounding it. A Beauty and the Beast replicate, without a doubt, and it is so stunning you wish you could lift the glass and feel the fake rose for yourself. A man of taste, without a doubt.

Last but not least, you grab the envelope and excitedly tear it open, because envelopes mean one of three things: 1) a card 2) tickets 3) money, all unlikely options when it comes to Pollyanna.

Well, maybe not, because inside are two passes for the art museum up in the city. “Dude,” you kick Jaebeom’s ankle and stammer out, “how did you? When did you?”

He laughs. “You mentioned wanting to go a few months ago, and I didn’t think you ever got a chance. You haven’t, right?” He sounds worried. “No, I never got to go,” swallowing past the desert dryness of your throat, “thank you, Jaebeom. Everything is so beautiful.”

��Of course, ___,” he smiles, reaching for your hand and even though it’s only a gentle squeeze he gives you, it has your heart doing somersaults. “Anything for you.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. You are going through some serious torture here and still won’t make a move!

Everyone is extraordinarily jovial after opening gifts. With Christmas music filling the room with cheer and one too many drinks being mixed, holiday charades and pin the nose on Rudolph are played with high spirits and excessive competitiveness. The night is fun, without a doubt, and you try to ignore the way your friends are still trying to get you and Jaebeom under the mistletoe no matter how annoying it may be. Why can’t they do it to Yugyeom and Shelby? Sure, everyone knows they fuck but neither of them have the balls to officially ask the other out, so why are you the one targeted? Jaebeom didn’t ask for this, either.

“Fuck!” Youngjae groans when Maggie makes her shot into their cup for jingle bell beer pong. Since freshman year, you and Maggie have fought back and forth for the champion's title against Youngjae and Jackson. With this being the second win against them for the night, you get to wear the label proud until next time. “Oh, yeah, baby!” She shouts, doing a funky celebratory dance before jumping to give you a hug.

“I’m a disgrace to the Chinese community,” Jackson cries—literally—before squatting to bury his face in his knees.

“HA!” You laugh mercilessly, jumping along with Maggie in triumph. “You guys are so mean,” Mark chuckles, walking away from their own losers’ championship to see what all the commotion is about. “Just to Youngjae and Jackson,” Maggie defends, gesturing to the pair having a drunken meltdown together. You hum in agreement.

“Yugyeom and Jaebeom are playing Jinyoung and Bambam. It’s pretty intense,” Mark explains, blatantly sarcastic when you glance curiously to the other table. “They’re all so drunk, they’re literally just throwing bells at each other.” He holds up one such bell that must have strayed away from the game. You laugh, hugging your jacket closer and watching Yugyeom begin to twerk when he finally makes a shot.

“My God,” Maggie snickers, shielding her eyes and turning away from the scene to comfort the still depressed Jackson.

“So,” Mark starts, “you and Jaebeom, huh?”

You groan. “Me and Jaebeom, what?”

“I mean, those gifts he gave you were pretty cute. What’s it gonna take for you to ask him to go to the museum with you, hm?” He purrs with a rise of his dark brows. Shit, he does have a point. Why else would Jaebeom give you two passes? To bring one of your other, definitely less artsy friends to go with you?”

Mark simpers at your speechless self, knowing he’s trumped you.

Sucking in a deep breath, you hold the cold air in long enough to gather your scrambling thoughts before releasing a heavy exhale with absolutely no change to how you feel. “I’ll try,” you grumble, “why can’t he make the first move?”

Mark lets out a dry laugh. “___, are you serious?”

“Huh? What—”

“He’s been making the first move for months,” he interrupts, shaking his head at your textbook definition denseness, “you’ve just been curving him the entire time. I know you’ve been busy with law school stuff the past few months, but come on, now. You have to grab him before someone else does.”

If it weren’t for the chill of the air keeping your cheeks and the tip of your nose cold and ruddy, you know the color would have drained from your face. Embarrassed and in desperate need for some space, you quickly turn away to look in the direction of the house, where Coco scratches at the backdoor.

“I, um, I’ll be right back,” you say, voice small. Heart hammering in your chest as you jog up the steps and across the small deck, it isn’t until you have slid open the door to let Coco out and closed it behind you do you let out a shaky sigh. “Jesus Christ,” you hiss, shaking off your jacket and slinging it over a chair before moving to cower in the corner. Reaching for what little tortilla chips are left, you anxiously take the lid off your chicken dip and begin shoveling mouthfuls into your mouth. Is it true? Have you really been the one dodging Jaebeom all this time? Sure, everyone always says it, especially Jinyoung, but it has seemed like Jaebeom has been curving you, too.

Maybe he has just been giving up.

This makes your head hurt, you think, bending down to rest your forehead against the counter. The fucking gifts, man. Mark is right—the bracelet, the rose lamp, the museum tickets. How did he remember that small detail you mentioned… when did you even mention it? You can’t remember, yet he did! Jesus, all this time you’ve wasted being an absolute clown over this. You’ll have to do something about it. Tonight, you decide, looking to the clock above the stove. 11:12 PM. Forty-eight minutes until New Year’s. You’ll kiss him, and that’s when you will—

“Ahem.” Behind you, someone clears their throat and it quite literally feels as if you have jumped out of your skin. “Jesus Christ!” You jump, spinning around with a heart thumping in your chest. Your heartbeat only mildly slows once you realize it’s only Jaebeom. OnlyJaebeom, yeah. “I didn’t even hear you come in.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says, chuckling awkwardly. “Did I interrupt something?”

You wince, beyond humiliated he caught you mid-pep talk slash breakdown. “No, no. You’re fine, I was just, um…”

“Catching a breath?” He finishes when you trail off. Maybe he’s not so drunk, after all.

“Yeah,” you whisper, looking to your feet.

After a long moment of silence, Jaebeom clears his throat. “Listen, ___, I… I’ve been meaning to talk to you, and—”

“Wait!” You interrupt before your brain has even caught up. His eyes widen in surprise at your sudden excitement. “I need to tell you something, first.”

“Ohhh ‘kay,” he laughs nervously, stepping closer to lean against the counter beside you and his proximity suddenly makes it very hard to breathe, let alone figure out what you want to say.

“I don’t know where to start. Okay, um, first, I guess. The gifts you gave me? Amazing. Probably one of the best I’ve ever gotten. So thank you, really,” you start, rushed and out of breath. Jaebeom hums, lips tilting into an amused smirk. You don’t miss how he leans just barely closer. “Second. Mark was just talking to me, and he said something that just… fucked me up. Apparently, I’m good at school but not at catching when someone actually, truly likes me.”

At this, Jaebeom’s curiosity has peaked and his heartbeat starts to mirror your own. “I don’t know how this happened. I know we kissed over the summer, and you have been my friend for years but all of a sudden, I realized that I like you. You’re like, one of my favorite people in the world. But then things got crazy busy and I told myself I needed to concentrate, but for fuck’s sake, I’m still head over heels for you after all this time. And Mark said that if I don’t stop curving you, soon you are going to find someone else and, Jesus, I don’t think I can live with myself if I let you slip by.”

Somewhere in the middle of your ramble, Jaebeom has pressed himself to you and curled a finger through a belt loop in your jeans to keep you there against him. Even up close, he is so unbearably handsome, nose still beet red from the cold, lips cracked and face left unshaven. “So,” he whispers, raising his free hand to cup your face, “are you ready to finally stop running from me?” You offer a tiny nod, nuzzling into his hand before, “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Can you kiss me?” Jaebeom doesn’t waste any time bothering to answer, tipping your chin up to meet his lips. Jaebeom’s kiss is soft, just a drawn-out peck but it’s enough to drop kick your sanity right out the door. “Tastes like buffalo chicken,” he whispers with a smile, just barely pulling back. Just as soon as he has stopped, you are fisting your hands into his jacket and tugging him back, greedily opening his mouth with yours and whimpering against him once he has caught the hint and slackened his jaw to deepen the kiss. Maybe it’s the alcohol, but kissing Jaebeom leaves you breathless, limbs weak kind of drunk on his taste and leaving you desperate for more.

“Jaebeom,” you sigh dreamily, arching into him when he drags a hand down your spine. “Fuck,” he whispers, pushing you further against the cabinets and mindlessly gyrating his hips with yours. Hands brushing past your ass to grip the back of your thighs, he orders, “Jump.” You do as he says, allowing him to help you onto the counter and you distantly pray someone doesn’t walk in on you, especially Youngjae. He’ll murder you if you knock something down.

“Can’t believe you’ve kept me waiting all this time when you kiss like that,” Jaebeom mutters, kissing along the length of your neck and groaning against your skin when your hands brush along the waistband of his pants. “Never met someone who wears an ugly sweater and still manages to be the hottest one in the room.”

Your breath hitches when his hand slips beneath your sweater, fingers brushing just over your bra and leaving fire in their wake. “Impossible,” you huff, wrapping your legs around him to pull him impossibly closer, his involuntary thrusts brushing deliciously against you, “when I say the same thing about you.” Jaebeom chuckles, returning to your mouth and cradling your jaw to meet him. You could do this forever, you think, nails digging into his arms when his hand cards through your hair and he kisses like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do.

“God, I can’t do this when I’m not sober,” he sighs, leaning his forehead against yours and you can’t help but smile at the soft gesture. “Me too,” you admit, reaching to play with the soft hair at the back of his neck, “we can do this whenever now, though.” Jaebeom chuckles, leaning back to admire you before placing a much softer kiss on your lips. “Does that mean you’ll go out on a date with me?”

“Well, yes, of course,” you grin, sliding off the counter and cupping his face, “I meant what I said. I can’t bear the thought of not giving us a chance.”

“It’s about damn time,” Jaebeom teases, earning a light punch to his arm. “Hey! I’ve been stressed out of my mind. I was blind when it came to seeing you flirt with me.”

“I’m kidding, ___,” he chuckles, “I’m glad it took us until now. It’s a good way to start off the year, knowing I’ll meet my New Year’s Resolution and be able to bone you sooner than later.”

Your eyes widen at his words, warmth instantly blooming its way up your neck when you glance to the growing tent in his slacks and he lets out a triumphant laugh. In the midst of your embarrassed flush, the back-door slides open and none other than Jinyoung starts shouting, “Where the fuck have y’all been? Oh— shit! What happened?”

Then, not a heartbeat later, “Kiss! KIIIISSSSSSS!”

“KISS!” Maggie screams, bouncing behind Jinyoung and it isn’t until you look up do you understand. Of fucking course— the stupid mistletoe.

“Shall we, m’lady?” Jaebeom asks, voice laced with amusement. You quirk a brow at him, grabbing him by the collar and yanking him closer.

“We shall.”

·

·

·

Not even three hours into the new decade, Jaebeom has already met his New Year’s Resolution.

[creepy-bi-day]

I'm here to cherish your great writing and ask for a match-up 😆😊

My appearance: I'm about 5'4 and im pear shaped, I have hazel eyes, and strawberry/ blond/brown hair (I dye it a lot the last color I had was red and when I was going back to my normal color it left a pinkish red undertone to it), I'm ghostly pale, I have slight bit of freckles on my cheeks, I'm a tad bit chubby but oh well that just make me soft to hug, you'll usually catch me in a tye dye jacket with peace signs on it

My personality: I'm known to be subtly chaotic, I make jokes at the worst times and sometimes they can be mean without me meaning to be mean, I lack a filter so I can sometimes be to straightforward, im imaginative I express things through either music writing or art, i love animals more the people most of the time, im very stubborn, I can either be the mom friend or the friend that's feral, im not the best with words I usually show my feelings through actions

My likes: I love tarot, I'm into astrology (im a libra/scorpio cusp), I love animals I have a pet hedgehog, I enjoy doing art, I love music (est 40s through 90s music), I like musicals, I enjoy dancing with a partner (I only really know how to waltz but I like it), i love naps especially when its raining, I like neck kisses, I enjoy cuddling, im a theater kid so I also love acting

My dislikes: i hate being ignored, drunks, my anxiety disorder, a lot of food I have a sensory problem so a lot of different foods freak me out, out of nowhere calls, when someone tests me

Sexuality: im pansexual but I lean more towards men and I'm open minded so im not opposed to polyamorous relationships as long as its close-knit (as in we all love each other not just us loving one person)

Extra: my dream date is being at a gas station at 2 AM in the morning sitting in the corner drinking slushies and having deep discussions. I have ADD, generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I'm a bit obsessive and possesvie due to being from a divorced family (dad cheated on mom ect.). Im definitely a switch in bed. I'm not energetic but I enjoy energetic peoples company. I'm known to have a bit of a hipster aesthetic.

Cusp buddies!! I’m a Sagittarius/Capricorn cusp!! Sun Sag, Moon Capricorn, and my Rising is Scorpio— Oop.

I ship you with:

Tim/Masky!

SFW:

Heads up: Masky and Tim are different people

Tim loves how light you are, in personality

You’re so different from him, and its why he calls you sunshine and his sweetheart

You’re a bit much for him sometimes, but hes just glad it brings him out of his comfort zone, which he really appreciates.

He plays guitar, so like. He’ll sing to you and write songs, usually strumming while he watches you draw

Teach him how to dance plz, hes super awkward.

Likes touching you but is awkward at first and needs an excuse

He loves cuddling. So much. He likes to cuddle with his arms draped around your side while he cuddles you close from behind

Big fan of spooning cause somft

Will probably telll you everything you need to figure out his birth chart just to see you excited.

Loves late night dates, especially just random walks around town

He loves seeing you smile, and constantly brings back little things he finds at gas stations that he thinks you’ll like

Masky, on the other hand

Is possessive and grabby

He likes cuddling forcibly, and will hold you borderline hostage while laying down because he wants to be near you

V blunt. Doesn’t care. He will tell you what hes thinking so, like, you never need to worry about that.

Brings back random shit h e finds from missions and gifts them to you

Once brought you a pretty constellation necklace, it ended up being the Libra constellation and he got to see you super happy

Doesn’t talk much, but when he does please listen

You’re one of the few people he doesn’t get tired of hearing vent or rant, but please dont ignore him. He won’t ignore you, but he’ll listen quietly

NSFW

Tim is def a switch

He’s shy and submissive when hes awkward

Tends to bottom the first couple times yall have sex

Totally a service sub. Just use him please

When hes domming???

He’s a brat tamer and takes a SHIT ton of joy in making you cry for him and making you whine

Aww, his little prinx wants to cum? Beg him more for it.

Loves choking, both giving and receiving

Likes fucking you in front of people to make sure they know you’re his

He is a MASTER with his tongue

Masky is NOT a switch

He’s a very very primal dom

Doesn’t talk much normally, but during sex hes even less verbal, mostly just grunting and groaning your name in your ear

Like Tim, hes very into choking, just don’t choke him plz. He will bite.

Speaking of biting, he loves to leave marks all over your body, making sure you can see them no matter what you’re wearing.

Very possessive, and will NOT have sex where people can see.

You’re his, and only his. Only person he’s sharing with is Tim, and they share a body so its fine.

Makes sure to lock the door, and knows how to roll his hips just right to brush against that spot that has you screaming-

Overall: Both good boys

[a-deadly-serenade]

overall this season was pretty decent. i have some thots whats new so im gonna share them below the cut if anyone’s interested :)

so!! first off i’ll say that there were a lot of things i did really enjoy from season 4!

the action was super fun as always!! i loved all the crazy enemies and callbacks! the skeleton fight and all those little goblins they kept killing throughout were a nice touch ;) sypha’s use of her powers is INSANE her ice-chainsaw?? her WALL of fire?? electric balls?? come on. and the animation was NICE. i really wanna know who did most of the fight scenes bcuz the style is so different and it just POPS but in a really good way? 

my favorite fight has to be ofc when everyone is REUNITED yes im basic. but the THEME song going off and well, im a whore for sotn references and i CAME when i saw the leap stone ref w the winged cape or when alucard turned into a hoard of batss AND THEN HIS WOLF FORM OOOOHH BABY!!! actually episode 9 is just a straight banger.

STRIGAAA. STRIGA. oh mama i was sweating during that fight. mad kudos to her va for them growlsss

carmilla vs isaac was a lot of fun and i loved the visuals but my hype was instantly ruined when i saw her kill herself 😭but thats smth i’ll complain about later.

not all the lines were bangers, some of sypha’s swearing seemed even a bit too much at times, and it was especially jarring to be having a face-to-face death-math with literal Death and hes acting like a naughty little 5 year old thats just learnt to swear. maybe cut back on the fuck-isms? just a bit? BUT when they hit they did GOOD. “the fuck what now?” yes

ISAAC. you weren’t in this season as much but man do u still shine through. i loved his introduction back in the town where he has his night creatures digging graves and rebuilding the city 😭 and then the conversation he shares w his flyman?? obsessed.

Hector chopping his finger off and giving lenore and carmilla a good ol FUCK YOU!! as he helps isaac. we love to see it

Trevor and Sypha’s “I love you!” “I know.” <3

DEATHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

oh! alucard actually having a story & purpose in the plot? :) luv it love to see it. that being said... the Plot. 

its... ok? it’s kind of split up into 3/4 parts, as the story progresses, one eventually merges with several of the others kind of? cohesively? while leaving the other to sort itself out.

now, i didnt have too many qualms with it, it was pretty straight forward. dracula is going to be resurrected and we have sypha and trevor looking in on it, while alucard helps the nearby village and hector and isaac go on about bringing on their inevitable showdown. however, the way the story was paced and some of the decisions they made... werent so great.

st. germain for example, brought the ENTIRE momentum from the last few episodes to a halt. you have sypha and trevor fighting through heaps and heaps of monsters only to find themselves back in Targoviste where they meet the mysterious Zamfir!! and Alucard!! he’s been asked to help save this village!! all jam-packed with crazy action and animation that leaves you fired up!! and then episode 5 comes to a screeching halt and we spend nearly the entire thing on st. germain’s backstory and explaining his motives for the rest of the season

like. imma be real with you chief: he didnt need to be here lol. you could have just left varney as the main vamp in charge of bringing back big daddy drac and he could reveal to his.. idk henchmen or something that he’s death. but u gotta fill them ten 20 minute slots somehow!! he just fell so flat and unfortunately, a lot of the side-characters suffer from this this season.

i enjoyed great and zamfir, i love their desgins esp, but they really could have been fleshed out more. zamfir is shown as nothing but a spoiled brat the majority of the time she’s on screen but they wait till she’s about to die to try and turn her character around? huh? greta is given a bit more screentime but this sudden confession of feelings in the last episode felt so... huh?? why couldnt she just be dedicated to her people and show that u can love someone w/out necessarily being their partnr? i thot that was her whole thing; taking care of her people. it’s like. where did this come from. they cant have known each other more than a week at most dog 😭

it sucks they dedicated to much time to scenes that didnt really need to be there where we could have gotten this proper development, like maybe have a scene zamfir and sypha connect over struggles they’ve dealt with in the past and that has her open up about how traumatizing dracula’s attack on her city was. u could have expanded upon her role in the court and WHY she worshipped the monarchy so much instead of making it a throwaway gag about her being “crazy”. but why have that when we could instead spend the first 5 minutes of said episode watching a monotonous back-and-forth b/w varney and that big burly russian vampire who’s name im sure mor than 98% of the audience cant even remember? 

just a lot of fat that needed to be trimmed so that the actual MEAT of the story could be slow cooked to perfection. people really arent kidding when they say less is more. 

another big problem i had was there... i dont even know what to call it, re-humanization? redemption? of Lenore. like lmk if im wrong but she manipulated hector, yeah? coerced sex to slip on that ring that binds him to her?? orr whatever weird shit warren’s into. but the way they interacted, ESPECIALLY in their first major scene together was sooo uncomfortable to watch lol at first i thought perhaps hector was only playing along because well. hes enslaved to do her and carmilla’s bidding. but no, he actually LIKES her. he spares her when isaac comes around, he says that he wants to keep her as his own. and in the meantime, lenore finds time to complain to a man that’s been beaten and enslaved how upset it makes her that carmilla got angry at her 😭 or says thats she tired of isaac keeping tabs on her and wants to escape this ‘cage’. to  aman thats literally been imprisoned since youve known him 😭her death is seen as peaceful, calm, they even try and tug at ur heartstrings by swelling this sad, dramatic music as the sun rises. really? LENORE?

and carmilla’s death happened WAYY too early imo. she was the villain for practically 3 seasons and this is how she goes? isaac couldnt get more than a stab at her? his night creatures couldnt take a nibble? HECTOR couldnt even be given a chance to do somethng like come on

the resolution was... strange? it was cute!! and happy!! but i dunno if they really needed to have lisa and vlad coming back, but, like i said; it was cute! definitely not the ending i was expecting. 

i’m glad that they put their focus back on what made the show so much fun and that was the FIGHTS. they definitely helped add some much needed spice to things when scenes started to drag, but im a gal that really luvs a good story and even though reviews were raving that this season helped closed the lid on all the themes theyd been exploring, i just didnt really see that. which isnt necessarily a BAD thing, i knew i wasnt gonna find some deep introspective themes in this hack n slash horror-fantasy, its just what can turn somethng like this from an ok show to a GREAT one. 

in the end, im glad they stopped at this one and im curious to see if they really DO go ahead on making spin-offs. bcuz unfortunately, i will always be down for som new castlevania content

[solomonish]

oh please don't feel bad!!! (ŏ̥̥̥̥ A ŏ̥̥̥̥ ) I'm really happy to hear that you've been thriving in real life and enjoying recent interests tbh! I just wanted to make sure I hadn't pulled a serious stupid or worse, a serious stupid that had negative effects on you is all, and am really, really glad to read that no such thing has occurred. I also really appreciate the further explanation on everything, as it has definitely put some worries to rest regarding the ask itself {and also regarding the situation which led to the initial "hey please respect my boundaries" post to be honest. not gonna lie my first reaction to catching wind of the whole debacle was just instant (ง'̀-‘́)ง }. anywho! genshin sure is something huh? the multidimensional gameplay is really fascinating to toy with, and the animation style is also?? so pretty?? I die, tech is so cool sometimes. and the concepts! the concepts. the abyss alone is really intriguing, and I've gotta admit that I am really curious to see if any other goetic demons make their appearance as "archons" or the like later on. {ah yes, complexities on complexities on complexities and problems caused on purpose for exactly no reason at all. gnosticism at its finest}. personally my money's on signora herself having a secret identity to such effect too, and if such a theory is indulged by the devs, her connection to the fatui and also general disposition lends itself to belial being a strong contender. maaaybe also naberius given the whole "cryo = likely connected Khaenri'ah" thing that seems to be a trend, tho that one might be a bit niche for marketing purposes 🤔. oh! also! what's your favorite vision type/weapon class btw if you don't mind me asking? :D — Return of PB

Haha, well its all over now so no need to get upset about it. But thank u for double checking and im glad we could figure it out!!

Listen my friends pulled me in sometime in November I think? But I stopped playing for a few months because I couldn't play it on my phone or laptop but once they implemented cross save i FELL IN LOVE AGAIN!! And then today with the livestream -- I am in the group of people who were so excited to see a certain hat-having character again <3

Ahhh i gotta be honest I'm not too familiar with demons (despite my position in the obey me fandom lol) and don't have any theories regarding future names lol? But those are super interesting! I personally want more Scara screen time, not just because he's hot my favorite bastard but I also really, really wanna know what the fuck he meant at the end of Unreconciled Stars. My man's just said "the stars are a lie" "what?" "I don't have to explain myself to you" and then LEFT FOR ALMOST A YEAR. WILL WE EVER KNOW???? HELLO???

Obey Me is easy and fun to make theories off of because yes queen give us nothing 🤩 there's not a lot to go off of so I can just kinda go crazy? But with genshin there's a lot of established lore and its a lot for me to keep track of so I'm more of a theory listener than theory creator in that regard lol

Anyway! My fave element to play with is definitely anemo bc swirl reactions work with pretty much anything except geo. And I love polearms!! Very speedy and stronk. This works out because I'm a Xiao main LOL

Although Amber is the best girl and I'm going to build tf out of her at some point. She's gonna be so fuckin buff. Idk how but she will be. God I love her so much.

[the-awkward-outlaw]

hi, i never asked for a fic before but could you do one about female reader getting kidnapped by micah and she gets tourtured, arthur and the gang go save her. idk it sounds silly im not good at giving fic ideas lol

Well, Anon, I’m glad to pop your request cherry! This was a good request, don’t sell yourself short! 

Masterlist

Read on AO3

You stand at Pearson’s wagon, preparing tonight’s stew yet again. The cook is too drunk to do it himself yet again, poor man. Not that you blame him. You spend half the time here in Beaver Hollow wishing you were too drunk to be coherent. You’ve never been in a more foul place and the entire gang seems to sense it. What used to be a strong-knit family only a few weeks ago is now more feral than a pack of starving wolves, eager to rip each other’s throats out. 

As you cut up some venison, you look up and see Micah walking through camp, taunting Karen, Mary-Beth and Uncle as he passes them. Out of everyone here, Micah seems to be the one settling in the best, and he’s the only one who seems happy about the predicament of the gang. His behavior has begun to make you suspicious. 

Just as he reaches the horses and mounts up on his black and white steed, Arthur and John pull in. They must have finished with the Bacchus bridge then. You hear Arthur ask Micah what he’s doing, but Micah waves him off. 

“Nothing you need to worry about, cowpoke. Just going to go scouting to see what might be the next best move now that you two finally got a move on that bridge.” 

Micah twitches his reins and begins walking down the path, whistling as he goes. You don’t like his answer, too vague. Tilly walks past, so you ask her to finish supper so you can go and talk to Arthur since you haven’t seen him in a few days. She agrees, though grudgingly. You know the only reason she did so was because Arthur is your husband. 

You walk up to him and quickly say you’re off to do a ride and do some hunting of your own. 

“What? No hello?” he says seriously. 

“I’m sorry, Arthur, it’s just this place. It sets my teeth on edge.” You lean in and whisper, “I want to know what Micah is up to. Don’t tell anyone.” 

He nods understandingly and quickly gives you a kiss. “Okay, sweetheart, but be safe out there. Murphrees are still about. And always keep both eyes on Micah.” 

He continues walking into the gang with John and you mount your horse and quickly trot down the trail, trying to make up for lost time. Once you get to the end of the trail, you have to take a minute to figure out which direction Micah went. It rained a few hours ago, so the mud is still drying, allowing you to see which tracks are the freshest. You identify  the tracks leaving the trail you’re on, seeing their headed east towards Annesburg. 

After cantering down a ways, you find Micah up ahead on the trail, going at a leisurely trot. You slow your horse down and stay a good ways back from him so he won’t hear you. You hope you’re just being paranoid and that he really is just on a reconnaissance journey, but something in your gut tells you otherwise. 

Nearly half an hour passes and Micah finally turns off the main trail and goes up into the trees. Up ahead, you see a small house peaking through the trunks. You leave your horse near the main trail and run through the foliage, always keeping Micah in sight. As the house gets closer, you can see it looks like it’s been empty for years. Half the roof is caved in and most of the windows are smashed. What is Micah doing here?

Your answer comes as soon as you ask it. The door to the cabin opens and you take shelter behind a large oak. As you peak through a willow bush to see Micah dismounting, a man steps out from the house. You recognize him immediately: Agent Milton, the Pinkerton. What the fuck is Micah doing with this piece of shit?

“Ah, Mr. Bell, we were growing worried,” Milton says as Micah walks up to the porch. You don’t like this, not at all. Micah hasn’t even drawn his gun yet.

“No need to worry about me, Pinkerton. I been busy.” 

“Yes I realize that. Stealing the dynamite as it was passing through Van Horn and I just received word that the Bacchus Bridge has been destroyed. I can’t imagine you had anything to do with that.” 

Micah gives him a nasty smile. “That was one of Dutch’s fine ideas. He figures, we blow up the only railroad that connects to Fort Wallace and soon the army will be making their way up to fix it, bringing tons of money as payroll with them.” 

“That’s what he thinks, does he?” Milton says in an almost bored fashion. 

“That’s exactly what he thinks. I helped him reach that conclusion myself. He figures by making enough noise, you folks won’t think it was us. He’s using the Indians up here to take his blame.” 

“Well, I don’t know about the wisdom behind these actions, Mr. Bell, but rest assured it will be delt with. Now, I have another plan for you. We want Van der Linde captured quickly with as little casualties as possible, so I have something-” 

Suddenly you’re grabbed from behind and your arms are wrenched behind you in a full nelson grip. You try to fight the person off without alerting Milton and Micah to your presence, but the person is too strong for you and he shuffles you out from behind the tree and into full view. 

“Mr. Milton! Think you have an uninvited guest to your meeting.” 

Milton and Micah look at you. Micah bares his teeth and glares while Milton looks mildly surprised. 

“A friend of yours, Mr. Bell? Forgive my saying, but she looks like one of your lot.” 

“That’s Morgan’s whore of a wife. What you doin’ here, Y/N?” 

Rage pounds through your body and you’d like nothing more than to go and beat Micah to a pulp, but the agent behind you still holds you too tight. 

“I had a feeling you were up to no good, Micah. Now here’s my proof.” 

“You ain’t got no proof, little girl.” 

“Oh yeah? Who’s Dutch gonna believe? Me, married to his right hand man and been with the gang ten years, or the rat he’s known six months?”

To your surprise, Micah begins laughing. “Come on, Y/N, he’s already filled Hosea’s spot with me. Think I can convince him easily enough.” 

“And when I tell Dutch you helped get Hosea and Lenny killed? What then, Micah?! You never liked Hosea, I bet you were looking for a way to get him out of your way for a long time! Dutch might be a fool, but he ain’t stupid.” 

Micah laughs again but then Milton calls his attention. “Mrs. Morgan has us in a difficult position, Mr. Bell. You were instructed to never be followed to our secret meetings. She needs to be delt with.” 

Milton pulls out his gun and aims it at you, but Micah stops him. You think he’s doing it out of mercy until he speaks. “You kill Morgan’s girl, Milton, we’re gonna have a bigger problem on our hands. Morgan might be dumb, but he’s a good fighter. One of the best I ever known. If he finds out his girl’s been shot, he’ll slaughter everyone he comes across.” 

Your memory flicks back to one time when an O’Driscoll had shot you in the leg during an ambush. Micah had been there too, so had Bill. Arthur was downright terrifying though when you’d been shot. There’d been two to one with the O’Driscolls having the upper hand, but Arthur killed them all and it had been so quick, Bill and Micah barely had time to help. 

“Then what do you recommend we do with her then, Mr. Bell?” Milton says. “We cannot let her return to your little gang.” 

Micah ponders for a moment, then he looks around. “We can’t kill her, but we can’t let her go either. But Morgan will come looking for her the moment he suspects she’s in trouble. This is Murphree country, ain’t it? I suggest you let me take care of her, I’ll make it seem like they got hold of her. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she can’t talk.” 

Micah walks down the steps and towards you. Panic courses through you and you try to fight your captor off again, but with no more luck than your previous attempts. When Micah’s close, he pulls out his pistol and hits you hard in the head, knocking you unconscious. 

*****************************************

Some time later, you begin to stir awake. Your head pounds from where Micah hit you, but you somehow manage to push the pain aside in order to assess your situation. When your vision grows accustomed to the darkness, you see you’re in a cave. Not the one at Beaver Hollow. It’s a rather short cave, in fact you can easily see the opening. A river gurgles happily just outside and across the way are thick trees. In front of you sits the shredded form of what must have been a small shelter, though it looks like it’s been here years. Around the cool cave, bones of animals are scattered around and you smell the fresh stink of wild dogs. 

You try to move but find you’re incapable of doing so. You’re forced down on your knees, your arms tied behind your head to a post so that your elbows are even with the top of your head. It’s hard to say how long you’ve been here, though the sunlight outside suggests a couple of hours. Your arms hurt from being tied up, but you can’t work the binds loose. 

You grunt as you try to escape from your bonds and out of the shelter walks Micah, who slides his big knife back into its sheath. 

“Bout time you woke up,” he says with a slight snarl. 

“You piece of shit, Micah. You sold us out.” 

“I told you a long time ago, Y/N, I’m a survivor. Anyone who’s spent an inkling of time with Dutch can see he’s circling the drain. Now I hate the Pinkertons as much as the rest of you, but I ain’t so stupid as to go down with the ship.” 

“You coulda just left!” you roar. “Dutch ain’t runnin’ a prison camp!” 

“And be left with nothing but the fond memories I hold?” Micah sneers. “Nah, that ain’t good enough. I want money just as much as Dutch does, but there’s no way to get it with him no more. Hosea’s death broke him, I just managed to get into his head enough and then once the Pinkertons have what they want, I get what I want.” 

“You fucking rat, Micah. We shoulda shot you months ago!” 

Micah responds by punching you hard in the face and you feel your lip split. It doesn’t stop you from glaring up at him. 

“Why couldn’t you have just minded your own business, hmm? It didn’t have to come down to this, you know. You coulda just stayed there, cuddled with Morgan like a good girl and lay in his bed while I take care of what needs to be done. But you just had to interfere. It’s a shame really.” Micah’s begun to pace around you and he kneels behind you so he can whisper in your ear. “Y’know, I always kinda liked you. Ya got fire in you that I have to admire. Mm, the things I wouldn’t have minded doing with you, but Morgan has you tied around his finger.” 

“Don’t flatter yourself, Micah. Even if I weren’t married, I’d slit your throat long before I let you put a finger on me.” 

He chuckles and stands up, walking up in front of you again. “See? That’s what I like about you. You don’t take shit, you fight back. I can see why Morgan married ya. It doesn’t make it any easier for me to do what I have to though. Just remember this,” he bends down to look you in the eye again, “your curiosity is what got you here. If it weren’t for your own actions, you wouldn’t be about to suffer like this.” 

Before you can say anything, Micah takes a bandana and ties it around your head, stuffing a good portion of it into your mouth. Then, he takes out his knife again and he begins carving into your body, making you scream into the bandana. You try to resolve yourself to not give him the satisfaction of your pain, but you don’t last very long. Tears leak from your eyes as he moves from your arms down to your abdomen. Soon it all becomes too much and you black out again. 

*********************************

Night falls and you’re brought sharply back to reality by cold water splashing your face. You gasp and blink, getting a sense of what’s going on. You’re still tied up to the post in the cave. You look down at your body and see that Micah must have stopped slicing you up when you passed out. He’s standing in front of you again, an empty bucket in hand. 

“Had a good rest, hmm? Well, I figure you’ve had long enough. Now, I want to remind you that I hate doin’ this to ya, hate doin’ this to your pretty body,” he runs a finger down your from your neck to your navel, making you shiver. “But I know you too well. There’s nothin’ I can do to prevent you from tellin’ Dutch what you saw.” 

He straightens up again. “Maybe we can come to an agreement. I’m gonna ask you a question and if I don’t like your answer, you get punished, deal?” 

As if you can answer, you’re still gagged. You tell him the answer with your eyes, hoping he can hear you saying to go fuck himself. He smacks his lips a bit and pulls out his gun, counting the bullets. Then, he grabs your gag and pulls it out, letting it hang beneath your chin. You take in a deep breath, finally able to breathe properly. 

Before you can do anything else, Micah points the gun at you. “Do you promise not to tell anyone what you saw me doin’ with the Pinkertons?” His voice is soft, threatening. 

Despite your fear and knowledge that he will shoot you, you shake your head. “I’m gonna tell every man, woman and child I see,” you spit. 

Micah sighs and pulls the trigger. The bullet slams into your thigh, making you cry out in pain. You grip the ropes binding your hands, wishing they would break. Micah pulls back the hammer again and points it at your other leg. 

“Do you promise not to tell anyone what you saw me doin’ with the Pinkertons?” 

“You can shoot me a thousand times, Micah,” you hiss with a small whimper, “and you can rip out my guts. My answer ain’t ever gonna be different.” 

Micah pulls the trigger again, shooting your other thigh and making you scream out again, sobs wrenching out from between your teeth. He sighs and puts the gun away, knowing he can only shoot you so many times before you die. It’s the last thing he wants because, despite things he’s said in the past, Micah is truly scared of what Arthur would do if he killed you. 

He stands for a few seconds in front of you, seeming to ponder something as you gasp from the pain. Your lip trembles as you try to swallow it and glare up at him. He stomps away suddenly, muttering something beneath his breath. This leaves you alone with nothing but your pain as company. There isn’t a place on your body that doesn’t hurt anymore. You can only hope that Arthur will soon grow suspicious and go looking for you, but even if he does, how will he find you? You don’t even know where you are.

Your thoughts begin to spiral from here, growing darker. Tears of both pain and fear leak from your eyes. Dread fills you at the thought that you’ll be left in Micah’s clutches until you finally die, whenever he lets you. 

***************************

Luckily for you, Micah has left to return to camp. He has to make an appearance in order to not arouse suspicions. Unfortunately for him, this immediately sets Arthur on edge as he knew you were following Micah, yet you’re nowhere to be found. 

 “Micah,” Arthur says, walking up to him. 

“What is it, cowpoke?” 

“You seen Y/N anywhere? She left about the same time you did, but she ain’t come back.” 

“You know how she is. Out for days on end, always coming back covered in mud and hauling in a mountain of skins. She's fine, Morgan.” 

Arthur didn’t like the way Micah’s eyes darted around when he’d spoken of you, and he also noticed small specks of blood on Micah’s knuckles. Of course, Micah’s known for getting into fistfights even in the middle of nowhere, but Arthur doesn’t like how things are stacking up. He’s worried, but he decides to play it cool for a bit. Maybe you will be back shortly dripping in animal furs. 

By the next afternoon though, Arthur is thoroughly worried. He’d gone out in the morning to look for you with no success. He found your horse by a cabin, but not you. All your weapons were on your horse as well, so where were you? By the cabin, he found your gunbelt. It wasn’t cut off, so for some reason, either you or someone else removed it. He packed it back up on your horse and went back to camp. Something about the whole thing felt off. 

Micah’s been lingering around camp all day, trying to play things cool. He’d snuck out while Arthur was out looking for you in order to give you some food and water, not wanting you to die on him. He needed to keep you alive long enough until he figured out what to do about Arthur. You’d refused the food of course, telling Micah a plethora of things to do to himself. 

The sun’s beginning to set and Arthur is growing desperate. He’s sitting in his tent when he hears Micah talking to Javier and Bill. 

“If we’re not more careful, we’re gonna lose more folks like poor Hosea, Lenny and Sean. I have a nagging suspicion that things are only going to get worse, and that someone else is gonna disappear. After all, someone’s been doing things behind Dutch’s back. Look at Morgan, goin’ to the Indians while Du-” 

He’s cut off suddenly by Arthur grabbing him by his collar and shaking him a little. “Where is she, you little shit?” 

“Let go of me!” 

“WHERE IS SHE?!” 

Micah claws at Arthur’s hands. “Why the hell would I know? I ain’t seen your damn wife since yesterday!” 

“Oh really? Because she followed you out of camp. Next thing I know, she’s nowhere to be found but her horse was abandoned by a cabin along with her gunbelt. Where the hell is she?!” 

Dutch marches over and he and Bill grab Arthur and force him off of Micah. 

“Arthur! What is going on here?” Dutch demands. 

“My wife, Dutch! My wife is missing and this maggot knows where she is!” 

“That’s a damn lie! I have no more idea where she is more than anyone else here! For all we know, she’s the one feeding information to the Pinkertons.” 

“Really?” Sadie says, holding a repeater in her hands. “Because she told me that if anyone’s a rat, it’s you.” 

“That’s exactly what someone who is double crossing us would say!” Micah says, smiling to everyone else. “The fingers are pointing at me because I’ve been here the shortest amount of time.”

“I’ve been here less time,” Charles says defiantly, “and I’m not being accused, nor is anyone else. Of course, I haven’t been the one sneaking off at odd times every few days.” 

“You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about,” Micah hisses. “For all we know, she’s talking to the law right now, telling them right where we are!” 

Arthur bares his teeth, still being held back by Bill, but before he can say anything, Uncle steps forward. “That girl’s been here ten years, and she’s married to Arthur. Why would she sell out her own family?”

“Don’t ask me to try and make sense of the traitor’s mind, old man, there ain’t no logic in there. Dutch,” Micah turns to him, almost begging for him to side with him. “I reckon she’ll saunter in here later tonight. The moment she does, we should question her.” 

Dutch is narrowing his eyes, thinking. Arthur grabs his attention. 

“Dutch, why would she betray us? What does she have to gain from doin’ that?” 

“Maybe a sackload of money, cowpoke. I reckon for the right price, she’d leave your bed,” Micah growls. 

That does it and Arthur yanks himself free, launching himself onto Micah. “You son of a bitch! You slimy snake!” He starts punching and hitting Micah, but Charles, Bill and John have to work together to pull him off again. Micah spits out a gob of blood. 

“He’s crazy, Dutch. See? I bet he’s in league with her!” 

“Shut up, Micah!” John snarls. “If anyone’s got a price to betray us, it’s you! You were the one who put us onto the Blackwater heist, and them Pinkertons have been onto us since you got back from Guarma.” 

“Why would I sell you out?” Micah snaps. 

“Because you have the most to gain from us all dyin’,” Sadie snarls, pointing her repeater at Micah. 

“Enough!” Dutch says. “Micah, do you or do you not know where Y/N is?” 

“Of course not, Dutch. Last time I saw her was here in camp yesterday.” 

“I saw you leaving camp early this morning,” Charles says. “Where’d you go?”

“I was scouting.” 

“Again? But you did that yesterday,” John points out. 

Dutch furrows his brow. “Micah, why would you be scouting? We’re not looking to leave here yet until we have more money. There’s still been no word on the army’s train to fix the bridge, so why are you scouting?” 

“Because we will need to be leaving eventually, Dutch, why not learn the best route now?” 

“Because there’s no point to it until we have a way out of here,” Dutch says. Micah can tell Dutch is starting to see through his lie. 

“Look, I can prove to you I’m not the rat. I’ll go hunt Y/N now, once I find her I’ll bring her right back and you can all question her yourselves.” 

Dutch sighs but nods once. “You have six hours, Micah. Find her, bring her straight back here.” 

Arthur throws Bill, Charles and John off him. “I’m goin’ too.” 

“I ain’t takin’ you, cowpoke.” 

“I don’t wanna go with you, Micah!” Arthur roars. “But she’s my wife, I’m gonna go look for her!” 

Before anyone else can say anything, Arthur mounts up. To his surprise, Charles and John mount up as well. 

“We’re coming with you, Morgan,” John says. “We don’t know what kind of trouble she might be in.” 

Arthur nods and they all set out. Micah heads in the other direction, opposite of where your cave lies in case someone tries to follow him again. 

************************************

You stare at the tin mug of water Micah left behind. You’re desperately thirsty, but you’ve no way to get it and take a drink as you’re still tied up. The binds around your wrists are beginning to rub you raw and your legs are still bleeding, along with the many cuts across your body. You’ve never experienced this much pain in your life. 

Outside, you can see the sun is setting again. You haven’t seen Micah since this morning, but you haven’t seen anyone else either. You tried screaming in order to get the attention of a potential passerby, but you screamed yourself hoarse before anyone heard you. What little hope you have left has long since left your body. 

Micah marches into the cave, looking furious, his face purpling with bruises. 

“Who beat you up, Micah? I wanna send them a thank-you note,” you spit, though your voice is raw. 

“Was your good ol’ husband, but I got a little gift for him myself.” Micah slips his knife out. “Change of plans, girl. I was intending to keep you here a long time, but your damn husband is starting to suspect me. Man’s smarter than I give him credit for.” 

Micah suddenly grabs your jaw and starts trying to reach in your mouth for your tongue. You thrash around and end up sinking your teeth into his finger, making him cry out. When he pulls out his finger, you see blood. 

“Damn it!” he grunts. He wants to make sure you can’t talk, but you’re still putting up quite a fight. He can tell he has to wear you down even more. Putting his knife away, he gives you a disgusted look and then he begins pounding his fist into your face, arms and ribs. After a few moments, he tries wrestling your tongue out again, but you spit blood into his face. 

“You little bitch!” he snarls and he pulls his knife out again. He plunges it into the very edge of your abdomen in a place he knows he won’t kill you, but it hurts like hell. You scream out in pain and he yanks the knife out, causing you to sob again. 

“Do I have to skin you, bitch?” he growls, trying to wrestle you so he can take your tongue yet again. Still though, you try with all your might to fight him off, biting whatever part of his hand you can reach. 

“You think I’m not willing to do the worst to you?” he says. He takes his knife and suddenly grips your face harder than he’s done before. He tilts your head back and holds the point of his knife above your left eye. 

You’re just about to beg Micah not to when he suddenly shoots back and up. He flips over and lands with a loud thud, revealing Arthur. 

“Get your hands off my wife, you sack of shit,” he growls. He takes one look at you and his face immediately goes from his terrifying scowl to a worried expression. He gestures for John to take his place on pinning Micah down and he comes over to you, slipping his knife out and cutting your bonds off. 

“Arthur,” you groan. 

“Shh, shh. I got ya, darlin’.” 

The moment your arms are free, your body slinks down and he catches you. Once you’re in his arms, he shrugs his coat off and drapes it around you. “I got ya, I got ya.” He looks back at Charles and John. “Get that sack of shit tied up and out of here. I’ll take care of her.” 

They nod and do just that. Arthur picks you up gently as he can and brings you outside of the cave and then lays you down on your back beside the river. You try to cry, feeling relieved and finally safe, but you can’t seem to produce any tears. 

“Easy, sweetheart. That bastard did a number on you. Gonna get you cleaned up.” 

“Arthur,” you whine again, just wanting him to hold you. 

“Shh, shh, I know, darlin’, I know. I’ll be gentle as I can.” He unbuttons the bottom of your shirt so he can bandage the big cut, stating Grimshaw can stitch it up. He then inspects your legs. “Shit, bullets are still in there. Darlin’, I’m real sorry about this. But we gotta get you home like this, I can’t get ‘em out.” 

You nod stiffly and he lifts you up easily, though painfully. He apologizes profusely, but somehow he manages to get you onto his horse. Although he tries to make the ride gentle, it’s incredibly painful. Each step the horse takes jerks your body. You bury the back of your head into Arthur’s chest, who is still apologizing. 

After what feels like an eternity, you see Beaver Hollow come into view. Arthur pats your shoulder gently. “Told you I’d get ya home, sweetheart. You’re gonna be okay. Just hang on, okay? We’re gonna skin that bastard.” 

The moment Arthur stops his horse, you slump almost lifeless against him. Dutch, Javier and the girls come running over. 

“Y/N!” Dutch calls out. “Y/N, what happened?” 

“I fucking told you, Dutch! We caught Micah doin’ his best to carve her up! Where is that little shit?” 

“He’s tied up near the cave,” Grimshaw says, coming over to the horse. “Come on, let’s get her to bed.” 

Javier and Dutch help lift you down, but it’s even more painful than the entire ride back to Beaver Hollow. You let out a cry of pain and they both apologize. Dutch tries picking you up bridal style, but Arthur pushes him out of the way and picks you up, which you prefer. You’ve been mistrustful of Dutch for some time now. 

As Arthur carries you, you hear John talking to Micah. “We’re gonna kill you for what you done to her.” 

You have a horrible suspicion that none of them know that Micah’s the traitor. “Arthur… Arthur stop. We can’t kill him.” 

“What you talking about, darlin’? If anyone’s earned a bullet in their head, he has.” 

“I’m not saying we won’t, but not yet,” you say between gritted teeth. “Just not yet.” 

Arthur sighs and stops. “Let’s get you to bed first, then you can tell Dutch what you know.” 

You don’t have the energy to tell him otherwise, so you let him take you to your tent and lay you down into the cot. Grimshaw comes over, barking orders at the other girls to get supplies to start patching you up. She tries pushing Arthur out, but he refuses to leave so she lets him. Just as she starts trying to get down to work, you stop her with what strength you have left. 

“Dutch. Get Dutch,” you say. 

Grimshaw rolls her eyes, but complies. Dutch comes over, looking worried. 

“Micah…” you say. “Micah’s the rat, Dutch. I saw him talking to Milton. He told them about your plan for the bridge.” 

“You say you saw this?” Dutch says. He looks at you hard for a moment. “I want to believe you, Y/N, but I have a problem: Micah says he saw you talking to Pinkertons.” 

“Then why’d he torture her?” Arthur demands. “If he’s the innocent one, then why didn’t he bring her here for us to deal with her? Y/N told me last time she was in camp that she was gonna follow him. Next thing we know, she’s tied up in some cave with Micah trying to pull her eyes out.”

“Micah says he did that as payback for her betraying us.” 

“The Pinkertons busted me,” you say. “They wanted me dead, but Micah knew… knew if I died, you’d kill him right away, Arthur. Knew his cover would be blown the moment my death was discovered. But he knew he needed to silence me. That’s why he shot my legs, Dutch. Was tryin’ to get me to promise to not say a word.” 

“Dutch,” Arthur says, “if she’s the traitor, it wouldn’t make sense for her bein’ the one all tore up like this.”

“I say we do to him what he’s done to her,” Grimshaw snarls. You feel a surge of warmth towards her. Sure, she might have her flaws, but she’s always been protective of you and the other girls. “We’ll get him to talk if he’s the one lying.” 

Dutch sighs, but then he nods. “Take him into the cave, get him tied up. Let Charles have at him for a while, then I’ll talk to him.” 

With that settled, Grimshaw and the other girls get down to work. They start rooting around in your legs for the bullets, which is so painful that you pass out again, which Arthur is grateful for as he holds your hand. It breaks his heart to see you like this, but at least now you don’t have to be present for the pain.

****************************

Two days have passed and you still haven’t woken. Arthur’s more worried about you than he’s ever been, and he’s more angry. He wanted to be the one to beat Micah senseless, but Dutch pleaded him not to. Dutch wasn’t entirely convinced you were the one telling the truth as Micah had spun his web very well. He figured the others should be the one to question Micah as Arthur was too involved. 

Arthur has stayed by your side the entire time you were being worked on, and then long after the girls were done patching you up. Nothing has shaken his anger, but as he sits by your cot holding your hand, Sadie walks up to him. 

“Bastard’s dead,” she growled. “He didn’t even get half the shit he did to her before spilling the beans. He’s been talkin’ to them Pinkertons sometime now, he was the one who told them about Saint Dennis.” 

Arthur feels a further tightening in his gut. “So Hosea…” 

“He’s the one who got Hosea killed, not Molly,” Sadie says, sitting down at the foot of your bed. “Dutch heard the whole thing. He’s the one who shot Micah.” 

Arthur sighs, feeling conflicted. While he’s grateful that Micah’s dead, he’s livid that he was the one responsible for Hosea, Lenny and so much trouble. 

“Stay strong, Arthur,” Sadie says. “Y/N needs you to be for her. There ain’t nothin’ you can do anyways. It’s over.” 

“It ain’t over, Sadie. Dutch might know the truth now, but he’s still crazy. I doubt this will clear his head.” 

“Maybe not. I guess all we can do is wait.” 

A few more hours pass and the sun sets before you begin to stir. Pain comes slamming back into your body, making you whimper, but Arthur hasn’t moved. He clutches your hand the second he hears you and he begins comforting you. 

When you’ve woken up a little more, he tells you everything that’s happened since your return. You feel a surge of relief, and maybe even a little pride that you took a far worse beating than Micah and didn’t break. However, due to the pain and even shock of what could have happened, you’re shaken. 

Arthur must be able to see you trembling. Gently as he can, he shifts you so that he can sit right beside you and hold you against his chest. The warmth of his body is a welcome relief as you’re chilled, but it’s the sound of his heart that brings the best form of comfort. As he brushes your hair, you look up at him. 

“Thank you for finding me, Arthur. You saved my life.” 

He smiles and kisses your head. “Well, you’ve saved me plenty. I still owe you more.” 

[fipindustries]

advice for my younger self

listening to that playlist i shared earlier today really got me in the mindframe of me back in my first years of college when i was barely starting to learn what it was to be an adult. and thinking about that i thought of some thing i would ike to say to that person, some bits of basic wisdom that without getting too specific or too monumental would have made a big difference. things that i know i wouldnt have figured out on my own until it was too late.

 this is not about specific mistakes i made but more general attitudes that i should have carried with me back then. most of this is going to be very particular and make sense only to me but if you are interested keep reading.

1) you dont have to complete your carrer in five years, you can take six or seven or ten years to do it, your parents would have assisted you all the same

1.a) as for studying, for christ sake dont just read the textbooks, if you are giving a big test and specifically if its a big oral lesson, write it down before hand, prepare a speech, write a monologue, practisce it, memorize it. prepare specifically what you are going to say when you are in front of the teachers, dont try to just “learn” it and hope that you’ll be able to recall it during the test

1.b) you dont have to take every single course in the semester, you can pick two or three you are really interested in, let the others by the wayside, pick them up later, use the free time to really study properly or get a simple part time job if you can, i know its sounds scary and like its a lot of responsability and like it diverges wildly from the plan you have for your life but trust me, its a lot easier than it sounds

2) dont be afraid of mental illness. is not as scary as it looks form the outside in. you are not gonna go insane, you are not going to get lost in a false world of delusion where you can never know what is real and what isnt. reality asserts itself, things calm down, it goes away. you get through it and you realize is not that bad from the other side. mental illness is a lot more common than you think, a lot more widespread than you think and a lot more manageable that you think. is not the end of the world and is not the end of your world either.

2.a) dont be afraid of the therapist, you will actually enjoy it a lot. it doesnt mean there is something terribly wrong or broken with you. its not shameful. they are smart and trained and they are glad to hear you talk. they are not going to force you into anything you dont want, they are not going to turn you into someone else, they are not going to send you to a mad house. their primary goal is that you be comfortable and at peace with yourself. go to a therapist.

3) keep your eyes open for any boardgame clubs. ask around, i know for a fact there is at least one in every city you’ve lived, maybe not yet at the time of you reading this but there will be. if you find them, join. they are the best thing that has ever happened to you.

4) if you happen to have sexual partners (and im not saying you definetly will) make sure they have a good time. ask what they want and do it for them. make sure they cum, seriously. stay with them. spend time together. cuddle in bed. they are having sex with you so the least you can do is have sex with them as well.

4.a) and by that same token, if you are in a relationship dont doubt to ask for sex too! be open about that, be forthcomming, but do be respectful. and if they say no or that they dont like to do that you should probably end the relationship, you are not going to be happy with them.

4.b) dont be afraid to try on womens clothes, you have my blessing, explore your femmenine side, try on make up. try on the fake boobies. do silly frilly pinky femmenine stuff. i know it’s just a weird fetish for you but if you have a partner be open with them about this and if they are supportive or want to help you explore this take full advantage. and dont worry, its not some dirty disgusting terrible secret that must be hidden from everyone. your friends and family are going to be ok with it if it ever comes out but dont feel is some dark secret that you must confess either, its your bussiness and for you to figure out at your own pace (also, hey, weird tip, i know it will sound absolutely nonesensical to you but did you know there are a lot of trans women who are trans without expiriencing dysphoria, just a fun fact i wanted to share with you :) )

5) dont be afraid of SJWs, they are not going to take away your games, they are not going to ruin cartoons or art or books or movies. masterpieces will still come out, well written, well drawn, well programmed and well animated masterpieces that you will love. you will be amazed at how easy is to ignore those people and how irrelevant they actually are once you stop following them on tumblr and once you stop going to twitter. 

5.a) if you think politics is stupid or cancerous now, wait until 2016, ok?

5.b) learn to apologize and own up to your mistakes. if a friend or an acquaintance is telling you that you are being an asshole online dont get defensive, just drop it and move on. dont make a huge deal out of it and dont engage in long protracted discussions online. just dont, you will embitter yourself, this is particularly salient because to this day you are having problems with this one, though not as frequently as you used to.

6) this one is more superficial i think because overall you did well on your own without advice from the future but... trust in your art. you will will amaze yourself with the things you will create. you ARE going to get a LOT better at what you do and you will learn a lot of things you never thought you would be able to master. you are going to become an amazing artist (that doesnt necesarily mean a financially succesful one or  a widely known one but you will be good at it and, trust me, that is what matters)

7) i know you’ve heard this one a million times but this one is cheating because i am from the future and i know this for a fact, you will be ok. things will work out, you will, time and again, find the way to fall on your feet, your family and friends will be there to catch you. you have a safety net, you are very lucky in that regard, dont take it for granted but it is there. you are not gonna end up homeless in the streets or raped in a dark alley or expelled on in prison or in a mental hospital, so relax and stop being so scared. you have ten very weird years ahead of you so good luck with that.

ps: you are going to meet a girl named zoe, she’s great, she’s the best. dont go live to hear apartment if you dont have a stable job and able to pay your own rent. and if you do make sure you moved out of it by february of 2020. if fact if at all possible, try not to be in cordoba by 2020. you are going to be fine as long as you are careful, you are not gonna die, i repeat YOU ARE NOT GONNA DIE. but do be extremely careful. thats it, godspeed.