#the adhd is strong in this one <- i had my tablet out for an hour and a half before i started drawing.

[ethosiab]

[day 28] he wants to contact you about your car's extended warranty

[what-dat-ritalin-do]

#1 (Originally Recorded 8th November, 2003)

Wednesday, 8th Nov 2023.

9:35 AM

Psychiatric help is expensive

I went for my first psychiatry session today. I was about an hour long and it was mostly evaluative. Dr. J said I might have Asperger's as well (as ADHD). After taking into account Ayd's diagnosed mild autism and Gold's very possible autism, he said I have some mild traits, but not enough for a full-blown diagnosis. Either I've gotten a little better at condensing my Life Story™  or he's just really good at knowing what to ask. Probably the latter.

He set me up with Ritalin

3 x 10 mg tablets

Taken every morning with or after breakfast

For 1 month

He said I might experience some heart palpitations and suppressed appetite, so I'm going to eat a bit before I try it. He also said that it may be addictive. So I'll take it with precaution. He did say he hasn't had any problems yet, though.

He also suggested I let S know we should start doing full CBT in our sessions.

5:43 PM

Because the session was at 8 AM, I'm very hungry, but the food at the place I'm in isn't too nutritionally balanced. So I'll eat enough to stay satisfied, then do some groceries. I'll have a balanced meal at home, and then try it. I will update then.

It has been approximately 3 hours and 25 minutes since I took my first dose of Ritalin.

I went on a grocery store run after my last entry and only reached home in the afternoon. I had lunch consisting of the following:

Rice

Fried chicken

Sambal

Cucumbers

Fried tofu

Fried tempeh

Peanut sauce

Chocolate cake ball

Not the most well-balanced meal, but at least it covers all the bases. I took the medication with water

10 mg Ritalin x 3

The medication started to effect about 5 minutes after taking it. As expected, I was told it would be fast. For about 10 minutes, I felt an intense uptick in blood circulation. I could feel blood circulating in my veins. I could hear blood pumping in my head. It was like getting stuck in an ocean current, swept away by a strong, uncontrollable force.

And all of a sudden, it was quiet.

I can hear the blood in my body

And the "current" came back. And the chest pains started. For the next couple of hours, I experienced, consistently, waves of an intense rush of blood flow followed by an equally brief period of complete lucid control. I will describe the states:

A. "Current"/Flurry State

My hands shake involuntarily

Periodic chest pains (ranging from slight to sharp)

Sharp back pain

Occasionally lose focus in vision

Instability (difficulty getting up), loss of balance

Dizzyness

B. Clear State

Enhanced ability to make decisions.

-> I am not frozen/caught in between wanting to do two things at once. I just pick one thing and do it. I clear things (eg: Rubbish) immediately. I don't need to "reason with myself".

Mental clarity to accept some of my tasks are not feasible.

-> Related to 1(B), I can quickly evaluate the tasks I want to completely and choose which one is easiest to complete. Immediate execution.

It is now 6:46 PM. According to Dr. J, the effects of the medication should be wearing off. He said they would last for about 4 hours. I can feel myself coming down from the rush. I can feel a low, restless hum rising but I think it will pass soon. I will return tomorrow with another log.

My thoughts get faster. I am able to structure my thoughts more easily to the point where I could visualize myself presenting them to an audience. I have not felt this way in years.

-> I spent a whole hour documenting my experience and detailing my mental health journey to my friends in our group chat. For once, it was easy to structure my words. I didn't have to draft them out in my Notes app first to make sure it made sense. My messages were coherent as I was typing them out.

-> It felt like my thoughts moved faster than my body. My handwriting feels messier, more rushed. I'm writing like I'm afraid my thoughts will fly away if I don't capture them right now. Even when trying to speak my thoughts, it feels like my mouth can't enunciate the amount of words that want to come out at the speed I want it to. My breath can't keep up with my phrasing.

[eddiemunsonsmiddlefingers]

Got another long one for ye ADHD friends courtesy of @sapphirecobalt-1

Most of my academic work involves reading and writing papers so my studying/note taking has developed to suit those needs. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of advice to offer when it comes to studying for something like a chemistry exam where specific information needs to be memorized (though I could certainly do some nosing around and offer thoughts on what I think might work).

With that said! Here ya go. Study and note taking thoughts from an adult with ADHD:

Lecture notes:

I handwrite my notes. I used to use notebooks, but now I use 3x5 index cards (blank/lineless, numbered in case I drop them) because they waste less paper, force me to be concise, and are easily replaced/reordered if I want to do that. If I forget my book/cards, I write in the front cover or margins of my textbook, on the back of printed articles, or I borrow paper from a classmate. One time I took notes on my forearm.

I never type my notes; in my experience it is actually better to take no notes at all and then summarize from what I remember later than it is to open my laptop in class for any reason.

My notes are usually just a bullet list of lecture topics and how they relate. If I can get a lecture outline ahead of time to help me visualize the structure it's helpful, but it isn't necessary for success.

I include my own thoughts/interpretations/questions with my lecture notes. In fact, I make a point of doing so, because it helps me process and internalize what I'm learning. However, I draw a box around them so I don't mistake them for lecture material.

Within a day or two of lecture I transcribe my notes, sans personal thoughts, into a Google Doc. I usually offer to take notes for a classmate or two at the beginning of term because it gives me external incentive to a) take notes and b) transcribe them in a timely fashion.

Once I'm done transcribing, I close the Doc and never open it again. (I'm not joking.) I have found that typing them out noticeably reinforces what I learned, but reviewing them in that format does nothing for me.

The thoughts and questions I had during lecture go onto their own notecards (one for each), with a line indicating where and how I had that thought. If they're related to something I've already studied or thought about, I'll put my new card with the existing card it's related to. I'll talk about my indexing system later on.

When I'm reviewing for midterms or lectures, I'll read through my physical cards rather than the Doc. I may or may not add new thought cards as I go.

Studying:

I learned the hard way not to study where I play, which means I don't do homework on my desktop. I don't even do homework in the same ROOM as my desktop. Ideally, I go to the school library and study there, but if that isn't possible I'll sit at my dining room table or on the porch.

Something about trying to read on a computer screen (or even a tablet) completely destroys my ability to pay attention / retain what I'm learning, so I print out assigned articles and rent or buy textbooks. Yes, I am aware this is terrible for the environment; one of the items on my 'to do' list is finding a solution to this problem.

My school has a 10 week term, so I have 10 folders. At the start of term, I put all my week 1 readings in the "week 1" folder, all of week 2 in week 2, etc. This means I only need to carry one folder around, and always know where to find xyz reading when I inevitably need to refer to it later. This doesn't work for classes with textbooks, obviously; for those, I'll include a single sheet with class name + assigned pages so I remember to read them.

At the end of term I take them all out and put them in an indexed binder so I can find them again when I need them (because chances are strong I will, given I'm taking classes super-focused on my specific area of interest), then reuse the folders for the next term.

I use the library to a potentially excessive degree. I study there, I walk through the stacks when I'm bored, I check out and read physical books to support my arguments in my papers, I talk to the librarians about what I'm studying to gain new insight…it's an infinitely useful resource AND it's inherently soothing to be there.

I write and doodle all over the stuff I print out and books that I own / are rented with a 'writing okay' clause. (I ended up purchasing a textbook I'd originally rented because I wrote "FUCK THIS SHIT WITH A BASEBALL BAT" in Sharpie up and down the margins of every page in a specific chapter. They would have accepted the return (no really, I've seen worse in rentals), but I rather treasure that memory, tbh.)

I also abuse the shit out of highlighters. I TRY to focus on the important points, but the thing is, I don't actually expect my highlights to be useful later. That's not why I use them. I do it because it keeps my brain on what I'm reading in the moment that I'm reading it, and saves my fingers from being chewed into oblivion.

I use 3x5 cards to note down the stuff that I do want to reference later, exactly the same as I do for lecture notes. I try to rephrase because again, processing aid, but sometimes I'll just write down exactly what the author said, in quotes. Either way I include the title, author, and page # on every card.

If I have my own thoughts about something I read I'll write all over the reading as I mentioned, but I'll also put them on their own cards, just as I do with my lecture thoughts. I always include the inspiring source, even if what I have to say includes no part of the source material, because I may not remember later and a) I may have misinterpreted what I read and b) plagiarism is bad.

New cards based on written (or video) source material are numbered chronologically. Personal thought cards added in later (from lecture or readings) have the related card's number + a letter. (So existing card 3 may have thought cards labeled 3A, 3B, 3C; if I have an additional thought related to 3C I would label it 3C.1, etc.) This is a fairly clunky adaptation of the zettelkasten method, which I'm hoping to fully adopt as I move into writing my thesis this year. It's like an analog wiki of your own brain and the entire concept fascinates me. Basically I have a rapidly growing collection of interconnected thoughts and resources at my fingertips when I'm writing papers and it's been world-changing.

I love music, but if I'm having trouble concentrating then music makes it worse, not better…even if there are no lyrics. This pisses me off to literally no end! However, it's inarguable that turning my music completely off is the only reason I finished one of my finals by the deadline last term.

A lot of academic writing is incredibly dull to read, and it can require herculean effort to stay on task even when I'm interested in the subject matter. I have had some success with reading only the first sentence of each paragraph in a reading, then going back and reading the whole thing. This sort of…mentally prepares me…for what's ahead in a way that a summary or abstract cannot.

The Pomodoro method also helps with dull readings; 10 minutes on one reading, stop, 10 minutes on another, stop, 10 minutes on a third, stop, 5 minute break, 10 more minutes on the first. Etc. If you do this, I'd recommend setting a bunch of timers ahead of time. Otherwise, every time you go to reset the timer you run the risk of being distracted by app notifications.

If I'm getting antsy and thinking about going home / getting food / checking social media when it isn't a break time, I try simply moving to a different table before I give up entirely. Sometimes I'm just tired of sitting still, so that slight shift is all I really need to get back into it.

I will put my phone in my backpack, zip it up, and put it under my table if I'm struggling to drag myself away from it. I also avoid opening my laptop until/unless I absolutely must.

If I'm really struggling to focus on writing a paper, I'll sign out of all my social media accounts and delete Discord off my laptop. It's easy enough to get back in when I'm done, but not SO easy that they remain an immediate distraction.

In direct contradiction to everything I've said about electronics being distracting: I've found that posting on Tumblr about what I'm up to / need to do / should be doing actually helps me get shit done—as long as I'm not doing that INSTEAD of studying. I suspect it loops back to the same external accountability thing that offering to take notes for my classmates gives me.

Okay. That was a lot. I'm happy to go into more detail about anything y'all have questions about!

[galactichelium]

Talking abt ADHD meds below the cut. Just in case someone can't handle talk of meds, particularly ones like ADHD meds. And it's a LITTLE long but not that long

Man it is so fucking unfortunate that it seems like in the US they give you SUCH strong meds for ADHD right off the bat. I've heard of so many people in the US who try ADHD meds but just cannot seem to find one that doesn't have the negative side effects outweigh the positive. And it seems like a lot of them are also given 12-hour lasting ones as well! This might even be the case in Canada as well going off of 1 person who I know is struggling with this, and another person who is ok with their strong ass meds (but still has more noticeable negative side effects). This is really different to how it is here. Like. My psychiatrist started me off with weak meds, and doesn't seem to be willing to give me stronger ones unless I Absolutely Need It. Like I'm out here taking 3 pills of these just to have a noticeable effect 😭

My meds are dexamphetamine, which seems to be the Australian/UK name for dextroamphetamine. Which is literally only 1 of the 4 components for adderall. They are also instant-release, so they only last 4 hours. This is intended for the purpose of having breakfast before you take them, them wearing off when you need to have lunch, and then taking more to last you the rest of the day. These meds are definitely weak, like again I need to take 3 of them. They are only 5mg tablets. But I can't say I've had any noticeable negative side effects other than loss in appetite, and Very rarely get very mild heart palpitations that at most last like 5 minutes. The former of which barely even being a problem at all because my meds wear off by the time I have lunch, in which my appetite returns.

But yeah it really is so unfortunate because I feel like soooo many more people would benefit from ADHD meds if they were given weaker ones like mine. But I'm not even sure how easy it would be to get anything like my meds in the US, because everyone just gives out the strong ass meds.

[naejigo]

PLEASE REBLOG. PLEASE READ. PLEASE CONSIDER TO HELP.

I've been desperate before but phew, I sure hope you can help me through reblogging and more.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (apparently the worst type of depression) and Anxiety disorder alongside ADHD. I went to my local public hospital for a cheaper price. I went secretly without my parents' knowledge because of a very offensive and ableist response the first time I reached out to them about it. I was a minor then but this year I turned 18 and could authorize for myself with the hospital's authorization.

The secret sessions were getting dangerous for fear my parents might find out. And being 18 in a conservative country where Adult ADHD is a myth, the treatments I was getting was borderline neglecting my needs because of how strong the stereotype about hyperactivity is despite ADHD being predominantly inattentive. So I stopped going.

I enrolled into the cheapest pre-university program a few months ago so I am not struggling with school money. Exam fee is quite expensive but my parents are covering that.

However the real problem is obviously my mental health. Here's the thing. My ADHD is severe. I need medication and proper treatments, I've reached out to a few other government hospitals and clinics but the results have been disappointing and some treatments were ableist and very troublesome. I also decided to tell my father about my diagnosis, he was the safer option than my mom. It was bad. He spoke to me as if I'm delusional. He said no genetic of his has ever had a mental illness. Told me to forget about it, but promised not to tell my mom, who 2 years ago reacted to me reaching out to see a therapist for anxiety by telling me I'm just distant from God. It's bad.

I'm only 18, and I can't get a part-time job, because 1) I've tried but my mom didn't allow me to 2) my pre-uni is a 1 ½ duration program with 5-6 special assignment that takes up all one entire semester, I have 3 semesters and 2 of it will be fitted with those assignments 3) my father wants me to help him full time with cabinets making, the thing is I can't do it often cuz of my chronic back pain so I can't get a job cuz of that too.

So. Phew. I'm fighting everyone to go to a private hospital instead to get treatments. However, my allowance can't cover even half the payment. I receive my allowance for about 50MYR a month, supposedly, although it's very indecisively given nowadays, maybe once every 2-3 months. I avoid eating in school to save up as much money as I could. I don't generally spend much for myself, mostly for my digital arts (new tablet, pencils, case, and keypad, simultaneously for school assignments too) because I'm investing to earn money through my arts.

To conclude, I am openly accepting as many commissions as I can get for the next three months until my 1st-semester finish before focusing on the special assignments and national exams.

I need around 400$-600$ (USD) to be able to get proper treatments, at least until I can self-organize my own medicine intake. And around 100$ to pay for a separate Language Exam that I'd rather my parents don't cover for reasons. I have severe parental trauma, it's gotten worse with how my parents have been lately, I'd rather be able to afford to be half financially capable for a while.

If you are able and willingly want to commission me, do message me, I will send my Term of Services and we can discuss your order.

My pieces ranges from 15$-55$ ONLY. I am begging you to help reblog this and help me in other ways you can. 🙏

Here are my recent, improved arts for reference!

You can also tip me on Ko-fi! Thank you for helping in anyway, thank you for reblogging.

[disconnected-dragon]

So I watched Eternals. Finally got around to typing my thoughts up.

The instant I saw Ikaris I thought "oh, knockoff Homelander from The Boys!" Because they can both fly and shoot lasers out of their eyes and have super strength and my untreated ADHD is weird about connections like that.....so when he turned out to actually be knockoff Homelander from The Boys, I was not shocked in the slightest. Go fly into the sun you bizarro creep.

Ezra Miller was good. Liked him. His costumes were mmm gender perfection. I didn't like how he basically made Jonestown over 20 generations and then just abandoned those people, leaving them with no survival skills or knowledge of the outside world at all, so they were probably picked off by wild animals or hunger or thirst. But I'm probably just thinking too hard abt this. Though I do wish tumblr would stop filling the tag with him a bit. I wanna talk about other characters, like--

Sprite wasn't robbed, they were mugged in broad daylight on a crowded intersection. They were a prime they/them transmasculine icon and they just make them evil and she/her them? And then try to be all like "ohhh I just wanna grow up" because "ahahaha, Peter Pan!" after comparing them to Tinker Bell, breaking the fucking metaphor BEFORE THEY EVEN MADE IT EXPLICIT?! And shoehorn this creepy age gap love relationship with Ikaris in when they're clearly sapphic coded-- I mean what else could could expect from Marvel, but still! C'mon! I can't have one nice thing in a movie unless it's named Dune and directed by Denis Villenuve, can't I?

Sirci was ok. I still don't know how to spell her name tho. It was nice to see an Asian American actress leading the movie, but-- tbh she was kinda bland. Her pushed romance with Ikaris sort of irked me, and she didn't seem to really be defined beyond her romances? Like she had Kit Harrington or knockoff Homelander from The Boys and she killed a god somewhere in between with her poorly defined powers. She fucking killed a god and I can't say anything about her. Great. Love that journey for us.

Mekkari my beloved. My HOH beloved. She's such a massive dork, with her collection of antiques and amulents and so many cute fangirl shit I love her. I wish we'd seen how she got that Jade Tablet instead of Ikaris and Sirci time. (Her relationship with Druig actually had more chemistry then Sirci/Ikaris but that's besides the point....) Also, she wasn't seen as a burden or lesser then because she was deaf, and the others signing to her-- ok this might be me misremembering, since I did watch this movie a few days ago, but I think the characters also made an effort to look her in the face and make eye contact with her. IDK I thought that was nice.

I like how Thena and Gilga's relationship wasn't explicitly romantic love. There were some undertones of romance, but it could be read as queerplatonic or parental. Gliga took care of Thena because he loved her like a friend, and she loved him like a friend. And then that platonic love was what motivated Thena to retake her mind and slay the Deviant. I like that. That was really cool. Speaking of the Deviant--

I wish we'd seen more of it. Why'd it get like that? Who made it like that? Was it the Red Guy God playing like 4D chess to test his Eternals, was it because humans' thinky energy had gotten so strong it warped it? Why did it look human, how was it able to mimic Mom Eternals'/Gilga's voice? Should I just read the zillionth run of comics? What's the point here?

Overall, it was a ehhhhh Marvel movie. I liked the characters, but it was sort of-- rushed? I think it would've worked better as a miniseries instead of a two hour movie, since it was trying to juggle all these things at once. The director seems like a nice lady, but she just tried to do a bit too much at one time I think.

The end credits scene with Harry Styles was a....trip tho.

So, just, TL;DR: Sprite deserved better. #LetSpriteUseThey/ThemPronouns.

[jakey-beefed-it]

Today was... almost completely unproductive, even for me, due to various mental Crises that arose in the like... Venn diagram overlap of my sundry issues. Mental health talk below the cut so you can avoid it if you’ve got your own shit to deal with/might be triggered by that kind of thing.

Kinda did almost a checklist of disorders being problems. ADHD brain? Represented. Autism? Probably! Depression? You betcha. Anxiety? Hoo boy and then some. Mania? Maybe! Self-loathing? Energy levels off the charts, cap’n. Basically my brain was the equivalent of blaring alarms from all quarters and spinning out of control.

Anyhow I eventually managed to... not be doing that ...and in the process kinda realized that maaaaybe I haven’t been Handling My Shit as well as I thought. Like I’m medicated... for depression. Which is good! I haven’t thought seriously about literally killing myself for several years now. That’s a big improvement! Not to be sneezed at. But it’s hardly a panacea for the rest of my bullshit.

Anyhow anyhow I’ve internalized a loooot of really horrible shit I’m always speaking out against as an anti-capitalist pro-mutual-aid aspiring feminist; basing my self-worth on lots of unattainable things that I don’t even believe in but that somehow equate to me being a Failure as a Man(TM) for being a hot mess disability soup. Some of it is also no doubt related to the whole ‘Gifted’ Kid Burnout phenomenon as well. I was ‘a pleasure to have in class’ and always sought approval and validation because I had anxiety, not because I was gifted, sheesh. Whole childhood equating my value with being ‘smart’ and then having my entire ego collapse under the inevitable weight of not being able to hack it in my first attempt at college because my brain was actively trying to kill me with self-hatred that only got worse the more I failed to live up to my ‘potential’.

I’m much less of an elitist shitbag these days regarding myself as no different from any other h. sapiens sapiens in that we are all fundamentally dumb, panicky apes who sometimes need a minute to remember the whole tool-use or reason things. But while I’m really good at not holding it against other people for being dumb panicky apes, even though I don’t regard myself as better than anyone (far from it) I still somehow hold myself to these standards I long since dismissed as unreasonable to expect of anyone, much less a guy with a grab-bag of mental illnesses that makes his spongy thinkmeat even less effective than biology normally dictates. And inevitably fail to live up to them, of course. And then feel worse about myself. Forever. Well, ok, not forever, even if I do continue to manage the no-self-murder streak (which seems likely) I’m still definitely going to kick off at some point. But for my whole damn existence, which sucks plenty.

Anyhow anyhow anyhow here goes the first of hopefully many simple admissions of imperfections and forgiveness of that.

I am not a digital artist. I could spend lots of time and effort to develop those skills, but frankly I don’t... wanna. Instead of feeling guilty at having abandoned pursuit of the lovely art tablet my family got me many years ago that they ‘wasted’ their gift, I can just admit that I’d much rather continue drawing in pencil, inking in pigment liners, and scanning into a digital format for sharing on the internet. I like tactile hobbies; it’s why I get so much out of painting miniatures. And digital art is still tactile in that you’re holding a stylus and/or tablet, but it’s not the same, and I prefer physical art on physical paper. And that’s okay.

I am not a fantastic dungeon master. I’m aight. I am, in the words of the best mug ever (a gift from my sister), the “World’s Okayest Dungeon Master.” I can put together a campaign, it will mostly hang together, my combat encounters will vary from ‘pretty good’ to ‘super boring’ but my plots are generally interesting and my players keep coming back so I must be doing something right.

This one’s kind of cheating because I’ve acknowledged it before both publicly and internally for like... fifteen years ...but I am not, and never will be, a world-class miniature painter. I don’t have the manual dexterity, the patience for producing and executing many many layers of very fine glazes, or a strong enough desire to devote more effort to improvement than befits a hobby I mostly do to relax. And that’s okay. I paint pretty good, and I slowly get better. Sometimes I’m the best painter in my local store! And that’s good the hell enough to satisfy my external competitiveness, while my internal competitiveness of striving to do better than I myself have done before gets all the real attention. I do want to improve! And so I do, but at a steady pace that doesn’t stress me out.

I’m not a diligent writer at all. I like writing, and I love coming up with plots and characters, but I’m terrible at sticking to a daily writing habit. I’d like to get better at that, and I can, with effort. Honestly giving myself permission to write more fannish bullshit (Warhammer stories, SW:tOR stories, D&D stories) might help clear some of the roadblock. I don’t shit on other fan writers; I long ago admitted that it’s valid and cool when other people do it, but to this day I have still only written a handful of Warhammer bullshit and one (1) Mass Effect fanfic. All the while my idea for a novel has grown and evolved and never really gotten past a very rough first draft that is now almost completely useless due to rethinking everything because I’m not in the habit of actually writing. I can do something about that!

I desperately want everyone to like me and think well of me and never be mad at me but you know what, that’s not... remotely achievable much less healthy. I have various tendencies toward ‘people pleasing’ that tend to end up with my own boundaries trodden upon and far more people taking advantage than real friends. I am very fortunate in that I DO have some real friends, many of them online, but yeah. It’s okay if not everyone likes me. Even if they somehow did, it wouldn’t make up for the all-consuming singularity-like wound of self-loathing that the people-pleasing urge is probably trying to fill.

I can be unreliable due to my many, many issues. Most of them are mental, but some of them are physical. I can’t always do things that should be ‘easy’, whether it’s my brain saying no, or my body. Instead of making too many promises for fear of ‘looking’ disabled and/or trying to make everyone happy... sometimes I need to admit that there are things I do not have the capacity for. Preferably ahead of time, rather than bailing at the last minute or just.... not showing up. This probably would’ve been good to know about myself before I nearly failed out of college in my first attempt but hey, hindsight and all that.

I might be about as cis and straight as a guy can get, but I am not and will never be anything remotely like an Idealized Man due to my weight, disabilities, general body type (even at my thinnest I had a belly pooch and flabby chest), shit, right down to my hair but that’s got some big overlap with the Idealized Man being a straight-haired white boy when I’m merely a wavy/curly-haired white-passing boy. And shit, if I had some gender fuckery that’d be a whole other animal, but even though I kinda got assigned male and went ‘Yeah that’s about right’ I still deserve to not have to live up to some unattainable ideal.

There’s... a lot more, obviously (hoo boy is there a lot more) but that’ll do for a start.

[cosmonaughtt]

how I'd rewrite Danny Phantom

forever salty that elmer glue ruined such a good concept so it’s my territory now

Ghosts are dead, 100%. The science behind it is very paranormal investigation-y but the Fenton family is ten thousand times better than the other “ghost hunters” of their time.

Also, there are some ghosts that come from metaphorical deaths. I.E. Pandora, she technically didn’t exist but when the Ancient Greek culture died out, so did the gods and goddesses. They’re not technically ghosts but they are ectoplasm-based, so they get lumped in with them.  

The Fenton family has been a bit dysfunctional for the past four years (10-14 for Danny, 12-16 for Jazz) because it took four years for Jack and Maddie to build the ghost portal. Jazz took over and learned how to really clean the house, while Danny learned how to cook. He’s not the best, but Danny can definitely make some good Ramen from scratch.

Maddie and Jack realized a bit later that the portal had overtaken their life and feel really bad for abandoning their kids, and when it didn’t work they tried to rekindle those relationships. Even with it working, they still do.

We all know what happened when the portal finished; it didn’t work. Because Jack put a switch on the inside that should’ve been on the outside, not the “on-off” button. The switch was loose and when Danny knocked into it, the portal turned on, because it was just waiting for a little spark-- like how when a cord is not totally plugged in. 

This was the beginning of summer, around the end of May, and a month after it was technically done. Danny (no stranger to the hospital, he’d been in a few times when he was younger because he was born two weeks premature) was in the hospital until August, a few weeks before school started. He was exempt from his eighth-grade exams and passed all of his classes, so the district let him slide.

Danny doesn’t have an ice core. As cool as it is (pun intended) it makes no sense in the narrative. Like, he was electrocuted, and he’s got the “ghost-stinger” ability, why would he have ICE POWERS? He’s got an electricity core instead (slightly inspired by the electric undead oops). 

His ghost sense is less of a mist and more of a gut feeling, and he literally becomes a static electricity magnet.

Danny’s character is a bit closer to the show.

He's quiet around strangers, but open with his friends. Trust thing.

Still made fun of for being the kid of two weird parents, but he’s honestly used to it by high school. He’s also bullied for his autism and ADHD, but he’s been bullied for them for about ten years so he’s used to it.

Still wants to be an astronaut-- science is his best subject, second to math. History is his third-best, he hates English and Gym class.

He’s tiny and scrawny, like a toothpick. It comes from being a sick child, though after the accident he’s able to lean out and gain a bit of “muscle”. 

After the accident, he gets a bit paler than he was before and doesn’t tan. There’s also a Lichtenberg scar covering about half of the right side of his body from the accident, going from his fingertips, up his arm and over his chest, neck, about down to his knee. 

He’s incredibly self-conscious about it but it doesn’t hurt, weirdly enough. For the “first season” he covers up and wears a lot of sweaters and long-sleeves. 

His pulse and body temperature are much below normal. The hospital was concerned with this after the accident, but after a few days of him seeming fine, they had to drop it. Danny can also hold his breath about five times longer than a normal human.

Is he half-dead? Yes, technically. Does he not try and think about his mortality? Yes.

He enjoys puns and jokes still, though he makes them more as Phantom.

Speaking of Phantom, no, he doesn’t go by “Danny Phantom”. Just Phantom. He is trying to avoid dissection from his parents, you know. 

Phantom has no scars from the accident, the only thing that he has in common with his human half is the mole on his cheek, but it’s green now (because yes, both halves have freckles!) because of his ectoplasm. He’s much more floaty, and if you don’t focus on him  he looks like he’s made of television static. He also has little fangs.

You can see his details better up close, and the longer you spend with Phantom, the more details you can see. All ghosts are like that, their energy is on the fritz all the time and human eyes need to adjust to it to understand certain features. The only reason Sam  and Tucker know him right away is because they watched him, y’know...

Danny is asexual, only realizing the identity in the middle of freshman year when Sam literally had to explain that yes, Danny, sexual attraction is a thing and not made up. (Based on my own experience.)

Sam and Tucker are both different in this story, but they still remain Danny’s only friends. They have other friends, though.

Sam is still goth.

She wears all black and even dyed her ginger hair black. There aren’t many surviving photos of Sam with her natural hair, she made sure of it. 

Sam is like... punk-goth? Punk-goth-grunge? She identifies as goth, but her clothes can fit all three categories, really. 

100% bisexual, has bi pins all over her bag. Out to her parents, who are slowly trying to understand. She doesn’t mind they/them pronouns, either, and her gender identity is just a shrug with middle fingers.

She knows a lot of the LGBT students at school and is the vice-president of the GSA she helped found. 

Both Sam and Danny had a mutual crush on each other through half of freshman year and all of eighth grade, Sam decided that she’d rather be friends and Danny realized it was mostly him wanting to be friends. 

Sam is vegan. She isn’t as pushy about it as she is in the show (I feel like it was extreme and really made fun of vegans/vegetarians, I know it’s a kids show but still) and all of her family is vegan, too. She’s big on animal rights, but recognizes the line to not cross.

Her family is also Jewish, like in canon.

Though she did campaign and successfully get the school  cafeteria to have a “Tofu Tuesday” every other week, so that’s something, at least!  (And where Mystery Meat would start)

Still mourns My Chemical Romance, into all music like that. 

Tucker is still a “nerd”, but he doesn’t get picked on by the jocks for being a nerd. 

He’s pretty hipster, too. His red beret is now a red beanie, and he has naturally curly hair poking out. He loves his natural hair, he just  loves the beanie.

His “nerd”  seems from his technological abilities. He has the latest smartphone a month after it comes out, and always has a “tablet”/iPad knockoff in his bag. He knows how to take things apart and sell them for money, and is also pretty good at programming.

Tucker DEFINITELY has a gaming channel. He only has about 3,000 subscribers, but that’s still pretty good. His most-popular video is him talking about the Indie game industry. He might try and program some of his own games (ahemPhantomfangameahem)

He loves meat, just like in the show. He jokes about it a lot with Sam, and Sam jokes back. Sometimes they can lead into fights if neither are in the mood, but both of them are pretty good-natured about it.

Tucker is a ladies-man, and a man’s-man, and a nonbinary’s-man-- he’s pansexual. Doesn’t figure out that’s a thing until he stays behind school one day to help Sam with the GSA, but once he does he’s out and proud. Still flirts terribly, though, but now no one is immune from his terrible flirts.

Scared of doctors and needles-- had a bad experience as a child, projects it on everything medicine-related. Tries to avoid taking medicine at all cost, unless it’s really severe. Hates flu season, can be a bit of a hypochondriac/germaphobe. Has one of those Bath and Body Works  hand sanitizer things on his bag.

Out of the trio, he’s more terrified of the ghosts, though after a while he gets used to them.

The A-Listers and school remain mostly the same.

Wes Weston is 100% a thing.

The A-Listers are more preppy than before, and definitely try and get away with what they can with modern fashion-- at least, Paulina and Star will. Dash and Kwan are a bit fashion-deaf (Kwan. Owns. Crocs.)

They’re still jerks and Dash still picks on Danny a lot, but the teachers are more competent and he can’t get away with more physical stuff unless no one is looking. Dash is probably a victim of his own domestic abuse at home and takes it out on people-- totally wrong and not moral, but he doesn’t think there’s much of an option. Only Kwan and Paulina know about his situation.

Kwan is pretty smart and strong, but he dresses like a disaster. He mostly sticks to wearing his letterman jacket and a black t-shirt and jeans, but if he ever has to “dress-up” or wears something else, it’s awful. Cargo shorts galore. Crocs. Someone get the Fab 5 to help  him, please.

Paulina is pretty prissy, and doesn’t like getting dirty often. She’s a cheerleader and she’s good at it, but she’s only second-in-command of the squad, or however that works. She doesn’t mind, less work for her to do, and the person in charge enjoys it a lot. Paulina tends to make fun of Sam and Tucker’s clothes often, and like the rest of the A-Listers, everything listed above for Danny (sans the Phantom thing). Once Phantom becomes big, she gets a huge celebrity crush on him, probably has ten different Stan accounts for him.

Star is the head cheerleader, and enjoys every moment of it. She also enjoys math, and she’s really good at  that too. Of the canon characters, only Danny can keep up. She isn’t good at much else academia-wise, though she does enjoy a bit of biology and forensics. Much smarter than most people think-- it will astound you.  

Valerie is a part of their squad at first, only because she, Paulina and Star live in the same neighborhood. After Valerie moves to an apartment, their friendship falls apart after a big fight-- this is entirely not ghost-related, by the way. Vlad only contacts her after learning that her dad was hurt in a ghost attack and Phantom wasn’t there to help, and emotionally manipulates her. She becomes the Red Huntress and hunts Danny, and they do date for a few months before calling it quits. I’m not big on shipping, per say, but if there has to be a canon endgame, it’ll be these two.  

Wes Weston. He’s technically canon? I guess? But also fanon? Either way, having a character like Wesley Weston trying to expose Danny as Phantom and always failing is hilarious, but can also introduce other things into the series as well. How does Wes know? Is he like, psychic, or something...? 

 Oh, and Vlad.

He’s much more emotionally manipulative. Danny was really considering having him train him in ghost-powers and stuff until Vlad made an off-comment about Jack, and Danny saw through the act.

They’re very much enemies. Not frenemies, but enemies. Danny is terrified of Vlad, but doesn’t want him to hurt his family.

Vlad, above all, wants a family. He missed out on those years being in and out of the hospital because of his own, botched accident, and he has scars all over his face from the “ecto-acne” that he hides with makeup.

He’s equivalent to Elon Musk, but less of a weeabo. DALV Corporations has a lot more stock in experimental sciences, though, including paranormal investigation. When he learns that Jack and Maddie had successfully created the Ghost Portal, he puts a lot more funding into their projects and reconnects. 

Still got the creepy Maddie-crush. Does get a cat named Matti, though (no connection or correlation, shut up, Daniel). Hates Jack because of his own accident, and begins to despise him even more for not noticing the scars left on Danny’s accident, too.

Less of a vampire in ghost form. He has a fire core, which makes a lot of his ectoplasm heat-based. Probably has laser eyes that Danny desperately tries to emulate but alas, cannot. The only reason he has a leg up on Danny is experience, not strength. He was only blasted in the face, not the whole body, after all.

At some point there’s probably an argument with Vlad and the Fentons and he decides “screw it” and makes an offset of DALV that focuses on ghost-hunting.

No Mayor thing, but he does move away from Wisconsin to live  in Amity Park.

Amity Park is... Well, it’s something.

It was already a pretty creepy town before the ghosts get involved.

It was already a pretty creepy town before the ghosts get involved. 

There’s always been unexplained murders, disappearances, and strange lights in the sky that no one could identify—a lot of hints towards something other-than-ghosts existing, which makes sense. 

Amity Park is much weirder after the ghost portal opens. Not because of the ghost attacks and their ghostly superhero, but because the veil was torn a bit, and it was felt throughout the town. 

On the moment of Danny’s accident, there was a massive power outage, and they become a bit more frequent to everyone’s dismay.  Much of the older residents of the town are against ghosts—if excepting Phantom, on occasion. The younger residents are more open to the undead spectres, though, and are much less afraid of them. 

Phantom becomes a youth icon, and his twitter account that started off small and as a joke gets him national popularity. 

Tucker, naturally, rides this wave and gets a giant boost in YouTube subscribers, especially after he posted a few videos with Phantom. No one questions this except the A-Listers, who just want to know howhe did this. 

Okay that’s enough of an info-dump I don’t want to spoil everything. I’ll probably post this stuff on my ao3—calling this story “Hero Complex” for now, still working on the title.

[kyidyl]

Can we talk about art for a second?

I’m pretty sure none of you are following me for art content because that’s just not what I do normally, but I’ve been working on some stuff and I just wanted to share. Here’s my current WIP:

I’m using sketchbook on my iPad Pro, and...can we just talk about process for a second? I’m gonna put this behind a cut just in case it gets long and because this isn’t my normal content. 

So I’ve been drawing almost my entire life, but I didn’t really start teaching myself anything good until around 9th grade (which is like...14 years old.). I started by copying Disney characters and then I was introduced to comic books and I copied those. I was in college when digital art start making its way into the art world. People would color their pencil drawings (this was shortly before tablets, so...with a mouse.). I grew into an artist around the time people like Aimee Major and Stephanie Lostimolo were really starting to stand out. And I don’t know about other fandoms, but I was in the gargoyles fandom and from what I can tell...a LOT of modern digital art has its genesis in that fandom. Anyway, what I’m trying to say here is that I started using photoshop with version 3.0 and I’ve had a Wacom tablet almost since the day they came out (gen one graphire tablet represent!).

I’ve never, in all that time, gotten the hang of digital painting. I have a hard time with tablets because you can’t tilt them like you can tilt a paper and it takes a weird sort of hand-eye-screen coordination that I just never mastered. But digital art is so beautiful that I’ve always WANTED to be able to do it. I can make graphics and edit photos but I have a hard time with painting. I have seen the million myriad ways of doing it, and most of them start with the same idea: lay down flats and then lighten or darken as necessary. And this never worked for me because a, the airbrush tool isn’t painterly enough for me and b, it takes for goddamned EVER. For. Ever. And I’m a fast artist! I can spit out a whole line drawing in like a half hour-45 mins with traditional media. But I have adhd, and so finishing long term large scale detailed projects is often not in the cards for me. So dumping like 48 hours of work time into a painting isn’t going to work for me.

But recently I’ve gotten back into art again and I’ve been watching the sky artist of the year and I decided I was curious about oil painting and, well, one hyperfixation later, here we are. I don’t have the money or space for actual oil painting, so I went to sketchbook to see if there was an alternative, and there is! So because I wanted to learn how to oil paint I finally figured out how to digitally paint and I’m gonna share that with you in case you, like me, struggle with the time input and focus required to do digital art.

First, I started practicing poses by drawing an outline over any image that caught my fancy. I have a good understanding of human anatomy because of my science background, but my poses aren’t creative and I especially struggle with perspective and multiple figures in an image. So I started to do line drawings over an image. Here’s the stock image I used for the WIP:

Look at all that fabric! Look at the movement! I love it. So I traced it:

Yes, TRACED, because tracing is a tool like anything else.

Then I choose colors. I pick 5: a midtone (the color you want the thing to be perceived as. In my case, you can see it in the WIP at the top.), a slight dark, a slight light, a blackened tone for deep shadow, and a very light tone for highlights. I always default to white light when choosing these colors, and I’ll get to my reasoning further down. The palette for the robe looks like this:

(Ignore the tan and blue, they’re for another project)

Then you start to lay down flats. Now, I do this with the synthetic oil brush in sketchbook because I like the texture (this image though I’d laid down the flats with the airbrush months ago and didn’t want to redo it, hence the lack of texture and the 100% opacity.), and as with oils, my approach to digital now is to layer rather than cover. Staying in the lines isn’t important. In fact, you should go outside of the lines because it will help you get shadows and highlights along the edges later. What IS important is putting everything on different layers. When in doubt, new layer. I work from back to front, which means that the base layer is the background. In front of that is the skin, in front of that is the robe, in front of that is the teal inside of the robe, in front of that is accessories. Hair varies depending on what’s going on with the image. Here I’ll probably put it between the skin and robe. Ask yourself: what is this covered by? And the use that to decide layer placement. Special effects are a whole other thing, as are highlights. I’ll get to that in a second tho.

The next step is to create an oversketch. This serves much the same function as an undersketch in oil painting, only in reverse because your reference photo is under - and covered - by your work. I started doing it because as I was painting I was flicking the layer on and off, making it transparent, whatever just to see where the shadows are on the reference image. It was a real pain in the rear. So I started making the blobs and borders of the highlights and shadows with an oversketch. You don’t need a method for telling which boundaries are for shadows and which are highlights because for that you can just turn the layer on and off. Just mark where the General shapes are. Here’s the oversketch for this drawing:

See? Blobs of General Area. When you’re painting, use them to lay down color and then turn them off when you’re blending because they’re not part of the final image and you don’t want to end up with gaps that were covered by the over sketch. To do this, I use the 9b pencil tool and black, but tbh just se whatever you like. That’s just my preference.

Now, for the shading. I started by trying a bunch of different natural media brushes but I eventually ended up sticking on a kind of weird choice: the fan brush. I keep the flow around 20%, which gives me these nice textured marks to lay down color, but then if I don’t lift the pencil up it stops laying down color and instead starts to blend. This means a, I can make it as smooth or painterly as I like with one tool and b, I can paint and blend with the same tool. No more muddying up my drawings by over-blending with the smudge. No losing the texture while blending because it blends with the texture. And the shape of the fan brush allows me to be smudgy with I like, but also will do hard edges. Plus the blending thins out the colors so I can get neat effects by laying down colors on top of each other because it stays a little transparent. You end up needing to lay down a lot of “paint” to get opacity but that’s ok because it allows you to make more complex colors. That’s good, because things like skin aren’t a color. They’re chemical: they’re melanin in cells over blood vessels and muscle and skin is transparent. Even very dark skinned people have undertones. So when you build up paint this way you can capture undertones without ruining your painting. Which, I’m pretty sure, is how it works in oils. But it translates well to digital.

So at this point, painting your image is basically a calming adult coloring book. You lay down color, blend, check your reference, repeat. But a few things to keep in mind:

- Take note of the darkest and lightest areas of the image. Nothing should be lighter or darker than these areas. Nothing in the drawing above will be darker than her back because that’s the darkest area of the painting.

- See the trees and the forest. Sometimes a detail doesn’t make any sense until you’ve seen it in context. Trust your guide and your photo reference. But also make sure that you don’t get so stuck in the details that you can’t relate one area to another. A fold that goes through two areas should be consistent across those two areas, even if you painted them separately. An area might seem dark in comparison to what’s next to it, but it isn’t as dark as the darkest area of the image so don’t go whole hog. Keep it in context.

- Folds in clothing aren’t nonsensical. They are a result of the movement and weight of the fabric. Ergo, the shadows and highlights that create them should also make sense.

- If you’re having a hard time figuring out where the highlights and shadows are, make a copy of the reference image layer and desaturate in, then turn off the colored reference layer.

Lastly, I’m finding it helpful to keep the highlights from colored light on its own layer. I didn’t used to do this, I used to use the colored light as one of my highlight colors. But the truth is that most objects are shaded by more than one light source, and so I’ve decided to do all the shading as white light and then the green (which will eventually be from some kind of green magic.) is on a different layer. My reasoning for this is that it helps keep the integrity of the shading and it prevents the colors from bending too much and getting muddy. So if I add a green highlight and I don’t like it then it’s easy to remove. I don’t have a highlight and shading that’s now ruined by green because I’ve been using light flow brushes. So colored light on its own layer. How much of a highlight you give it entirely depends on how strong your light sources is and whatnot. So far I’m satisfied with just hitting the high points, but I may change that later on.

When you’re done painting the area, go ahead and erase all of the excess paint around the edges of it and clean it up. I like to leave the black outline as part of the image, but if you don’t want to do that you should turn it on and off as necessary while painting so you can make sure to fill in gaps and get clean lines between the areas of color.

So if you made it all the way down here, thanks for reading my ramble. :)

[squirrel-the-adhd-mom]

Chapter five- Ugh Colorado

9/30/2022

I am up early this morning. I was worried about my little boob buddy. Last night I set up a little bed with a heating pad underneath it so I wouldn’t accidentally smoosh it in my sleep. Little thing made it through the night and is now safely back in my bra to begin the day. Time to try and get Tommi to feed it. She gets a little mad at me but ultimately she lets it happen. I am happy this little thing is doing alright.

Usually I don’t want to get up. When I am up willingly before my alarm it’s a good sign. Maybe some motivation this morning instead of the typical get me away from this house feeling. We will see how the rest of the morning presents it’s self.

Rest of the morning went well not the greatest but I could’ve been worse. Right? Theo wasn’t wanting to do much of anything on anyone else’s terms but his own. Spit in his sisters face because she was doing something he didn’t like. His excuse was he was just “talking.” I was going to flick him in the tongue but after constant crying and getting his coffee stop taken away I think the fear of the flicking did the job. So the day went on. Sometimes with our brains like I’ve mentioned we beat out selves up more than anyone else possibly could. So the hysterics proved that he knew he messed up.

I think it’s time I start learning a little Spanish. Why? Well because 98% of the time I pull up onto a location there is an entire crew of Mexicans and not one speaks a lick of English. Or maybe the pretend not to… I really have no idea. So if I learn just enough Spanish to understand them a little and to say “I have a load of trusses or floors for you, where do you want them?” Maybe just maybe the won’t look at me like the crazy white girl that just pulled in in an 18 wheeler. Although the still might. Who knows. I don’t. Regardless they are usually very nice and try to understand me and that what counts. So maybe I should do my part. As if my brain doesn’t have enough shit going through it already let’s add learning another language.

Three loads in Colorado today. Insert eye roll here. The people in Colorado treat us semi drivers like we are a dead bird in the road. My brain: “Excuse me sir but if I was an ass hole I could just run you over.” Not to mention their stupidly small streets and ROUND ABOUTS. Man, fuck round abouts. When did people forget how to do a four way stop? Insert another eye roll. I might’ve taken out a street sign today I am not sure, oops.

Theo, we’ll get had a rough day at school. Change is hard for him and he had a substitute the last two days. He had to be taken to a different classroom to do his work because he was not being the greatest for the sub. He also proceeded to assist in breaking his best friends, little brothers tablet by throwing it and then running it over with their bikes. This is the impulsive side of ADHD that I’ve touched on. At the moment it’s fun, funny or exciting, but we do not take into account the consequences that are going to follow. What’s done is done but a lesson to be learned.

The booby baby is still holding strong. I have faith in this little thing. I have named it. Even though I won’t know the sex for a while (I hope it’s a boy) it’s name is Meatloaf. Another legend in the world of hair bands. It’s late I’m exhausted and I need to have motivation to clean tomorrow wish me luck. Peace out Girl Scout! Boy Scout! Whatever. Goodnight.

[mentalhealthsessionswithmarc]

One Pill Gone, Two More To Go: A Quick Update.

Hey guys! Just wanting to give you an update on my progress thus far. It’s been a while since I entered anything on my journey with mental illness. As I mentioned in my last article, after my doctor’s appointment last week, my psychiatrist said it was time to start reducing my medications. The medications I had been taking thus far are Seroquel (200 mg), Wellbutrin (450 mg), and BuSpar (15 mg, 3x a day), and I was taking 36 mg Concerta for my ADHD. A few months ago I took myself off of Concerta because it had started working against me in a really bad way. The lifestyle changes I had made were more effective in handling my symptoms than my medications were. I also had unintentionally started cutting back on my BuSpar. I just kept forgetting to take them because I hadn’t had any anxiety symptoms in so long I didn’t remember to take them. I was supposed to be taking three pills a day, but was only taking my first pill with breakfast, because that was the only one I remembered to take. I take all my other pills first thing in the morning with breakfast, with the exception of my Seroquel (that’s at bedtime). So in a few months time I went from taking 45 mg of BuSpar a day to only 15 mg, and still had no issues with anxiety. At 15 mg a day, my psychiatrist said it was pretty much not taking the medicine at all. And thus the beginning of my detox has begun. 

As of today it has been exactly a week since I took my last dose of BuSpar.  I have definitely noticed some differences. As with any psych med reduction, it takes about a month before the drug is effectively out of your system. Even though, I was only taking a minimal amount of the drug, the absence of it in my system has kind of hit me as a shock. The biggest difference I have noticed since I haven’t been taking it is how tired I stay. I have noticed a lethargy setting in since about day two or three and it has not left. And I have noticed some anxiety coming back. It comes through in waves. I spend most of the day without an issue, but when anxiety comes crashing in it is so strong at times I want to go grab my bottle of BuSpar and swallow a pill quickly. It lasts about an hour or two. There is no particular time it strikes, it just checks in whenever it wants to and then leaves. However towards the end of the week, like around day five, I have noticed the anxiety starting to taper off. It has definitely reduced in strength and longevity. My guess is this will continue until my body adjusts to being on its own. As far as the lethargy is concerned, I may start back working out again, or maybe I’ll just grab a second cup of coffee in the morning. Haven’t decided yet. 

The doctor also told me once I start to become comfortable with the lack of anxiety medication I can start playing with my antidepressants. If not, he will start dosing me off when I see him again in November. My hope is I will be fully adjusted by sometime next month and will start slowly reducing my Wellbutrin. I have a 300 mg tablet and a 150. My goal is to slowly start leaving out the 150 mg pill and see how things go. I haven’t had any depression symptoms pretty much the entire year thus far. As always, if I don’t feel ready, I won’t rush the process. The last thing I want is cave into a total relapse and reverse all the good I have done. Lifestyle changes have been the biggest key to my recovery and I am committed to keeping everything I have changed and fought for. 

There is definitely a sizable amount of risk involved in the reduction and removal of psych meds. My doctor forewarned me before we proceeded with the plan to reduce anything. About fifty percent of all patients who are on psychological medications experience a full episodic relapse of all symptoms. My doctor’s biggest fear, as well as mine, was me going into an episode and having to spend another week in the hospital to rehabilitate me. Why is that? Why is it so hard to resume the “normal life” we had before we were put on medications? I remember not having any medications and handling my life normally. The truth of the matter is these medications change the chemical makeup of our brains. It changes how everything works. Some of these medications stabilize certain chemicals and electrical responses and others gather chemicals from different parts of the body and restores the lack of chemical in the brain. It also doesn’t help that you have to be on these medications without relapse for an entire year. That’s a year of the brain and body adapting and functioning in a brand new way. So once you remove the pills, the body’s current cycle breaks and is scrambling to find a new way of coping and functioning. The sad truth is a lot of people can’t live without their medications after being on them. Once the chemical makeup of your brain has been changed, it sometimes can’t go back to the way it was. My hope is I am not one of the unfortunate fifty percent. Most of my symptoms were completely situational and the lifestyle changes I have pursued and created have been the catalyst to my stability and recovery.

As always I will keep track of my recovery and share it with you all when I get a chance to. Hope everyone has a great week and stays committed to their recovery. 

Sincerely,

Marc

[gingersnapped17]

American Medicine: Hoax or Foreign Affairs agreement?

Everyone who takes medication for mental illness knows that most times you have to take said medication for at least a month before you see any actual changes in behavior. 

I have been taking prescriptions for:  ADD, ADHD, and Bipolar tendencies, since I was 5 years old. February 1st of 2021 I was informed that I have BPD which rules out the ADD and gives light to the “ bipolar tendencies”. Never have I ever taken any of my medications as a child for the amount of time needed to see change. I quit taking medications all together from the age of 17 to 23. I really didn’t see any issues. But then again I was out “living the life” so what was there to worry about except parties right?

Now I am 25 years old with a child and over the years I've noticed my span for noise is lower than ever. My ability to be present was lacking. My feelings got heavier and heavier every day I woke up. Something was wrong, so I went to get answers. As hard as it was to admit it, I needed help and I needed to do it not only for myself but for my family as well. 

THE FIRST DOCTOR (before BPD diagnosis)

He sounded fresh out of grad school. Asked me all the usual questions such as what I was diagnosed with as a child. I gave him the answers so he just rolled with that ( I would have too if I was in his spot). Prescribed medication to help with focus and a medicine to help with my depression. Which was explained to me as a bipolar medication. Me still refusing to believe I’m bipolar I went to shut that option right down! But after I did he “assured” me that yes it's a bipolar med but it has been known to help with just depression and anxiety. So my mouth agreed, but having a very strong personality tends to be a curse more than a blessing at moments like this. So for a month I decided to just take my ADD medication. My body, my choice right? Through the span of 4 months i would rarely take the “depression” pill. Then around October I realized I had gone down 4 pants sizes in 4 months. If you didn't know that SUPER unhealthy. But I figured I just needed a lower dose. Got that all squared away to getting weaned off of the ADD medication. By the time it was time to go completely off of it I was assigned a new medication doctor.

 The Second Doctor

This time he asked what I had been diagnosed with as a child and what medications I had been prescribed and if any had worked. I filled him in adding in the fact that all of the medical information I received was from my narcissistic mother who never allowed me to speak up during appointments and that from the ages of 5-17 I had been on at least 60 medications (pills, patches, chewable tablets) and that was just a guess. He asked which ones had worked for me. NONE! He let me in on some news about parents that have issues they refuse to deal with so they project it onto their child(ren) but when you tell the parent that if they changed THEIR behavior the child(ren) would change theirs. Then the parent denies having issues and points out that the child(ren) is/are the patient not them. That having a strong personality can also factor into why none of my meds had worked, because my mind says it doesn't want to act this way so we won't allow it. He explained that he believed I had been misdiagnosed, which is common and diagnosed me with BPD and tells me to call and schedule a psychological evaluation.

That was it! It makes so much sense now! I felt it click, and felt the voices scurry with fear. Now I am invested, I will do anything to shut them up and to stop making my feelings a million times stronger than they have to be.

He prescribes me different medicine and I take it religiously. Everyday twice a day Cycle completed. 

Med review: ups dosage on helpful medicine. Insurance screws up have to call my step dad to go get it. Takes his sweet time so the prescription gets sent back. That's ok, no big deal. I still had refills on the lower dosage. I would  just take a second one twice a day to keep the dosage he wants now. 

Didn't think it through too well, 2 days until my next review and I have 3 pills left. 

Med review: Asks me how I feel, I explain the mishap but my past months strategy, but assure him I enjoy the way the medicine has made me feel. He says he can get me a script and I explain that the evaluation was never done because they never called me back. He seems to think I can just be persistent, and asks if I think I should have called back after not getting a call. No, I assume every one is doing their job. It's really not this chill the tension is very high. He tells me he will send an email out to get it figured out. I say thank you feeling relieved and ready to get on with the meeting, “ Ok, bye” Click.

That call lasted a total of 12 minutes. I’m in shock. 

nOe: I’m obviously feeling off because of the dosage issues.

Two: I've already been kicking myself in the ass for now 3 days

Three: WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR HANGS UP ON A MENTAL HEALTH PATIENT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

American medicine is and will always be about money, excuse me while I google crystal healing.

[my-attempt]

just came across this post, and thought I'd add some of my own tips for when I don't have the time or energy to do things (or feel overwhelmed and hopeless, or deal with a lot of sensory issues, etc)

if you need to take meds, keep them by your bed with something to drink like @lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks said, and if you need to eat something with it: muesli bars are great, but so are applesauce and those squeeze packages of very sweet fruit mush. not sure what the correct name for that would be in english, but in dutch they're often called "knijpfruit" (litt. "squeeze fruit"). they go down easily, and require little to no dishes afterwards. if you have to choose between eat something very sweet or not eat at all, eat the sweet stuff. especially if you need to eat to take your meds. they will probably help you go about the rest of your day.

in that regard, if you can, eat something a bit more sustaining after you've had your meds. don't forget, if you don't eat enough, you will have less energy throughout the day, and might start to feel a bit trembly, dizzy, or nauseous. pretty sure it can also cause brain fog and lack of concentration, so if you take meds for adhd, not eating will make your meds less effective. I often forget to have lunch (or even prepare it if I'm going to be out and about that day). my psychiatrist gave me the tip to try and always carry a pack of crackers/buiscuits/muesli bars with me, or even a package of dextro energy. if you forget to eat, your blood sugar can go down a bunch, and eating a tablet of dextro is supposed to help get it to a bit more of a normal level with minimal effort in a pinch.

if you struggle drinking enough throughout the day, get yourself a water bottle (can be a fancy one or a reused plastic bottle). you can take it with you when you leave the door, or put it on your desk/next to your bed or the couch. if it's in sight, it's easier not to forget, and if it's in reach, it's less of a big step to actually get yourself something to drink instead of getting stuck on thinking "I should drink something" without being able to get up and do it. a carafe, large measuring cup, reused soda bottle, pot of tea (or maybe even an electric kettle) work wonders as well for in the house.

onto the bathroom stuff! if you went through the checklist above about stomach issues and you reckon it's just anxiety, there's a bunch of tips that could help. apparently, pooping gets easier when your feet are a bit higher up than the ground, so if you've got a difficult toilet day, a stepping stool might help a bit. if you're an eternal wiper, you might want to consider wet wipes, cause they're a bit more easy on the skin.

if you struggle with bathroom tasks because of sensory issues (like having an overactive gag reflex in regards to things that smell), you can put on a face mask while either eating a mint or putting on something like strong smelling chapstick. make sure to go for non-flowery/sweet smells if you can, otherwise it just smells horrid with a hint of flowers/fruit. citrus, eucalyptus and pine (probably) work better in this regard.

this point gets a bit more troublesome if you struggle brushing your teeth due to sensory issues (incl an overactive gag reflex). I found it helps to find a toothpaste that doesn't taste overly minty, some people even swear by those fun flavoured kids' toothpastes (in the netherlands we only have bubblegum flavour afaik though, which does not work for me personally). if that doesn't work, try to find a mouth wash. I've had little succes with mouthwashes due to them burning, but I think that may be due to the mouthwashes I have containing alcohol or something. should be advice on the internet somewhere on mouthwashes for sensitive mouths.

another tip I have is getting an alarm that makes you scan a qr code to turn it off. I've put a qr code on my toothbrush stand. I set a warning alarm without qr scanner, signalling my bedtime is coming up and I should round off (esp important when I'm gaming in the evening), then set an alarm 10-15 minutes later for which i have to get up, walk to my toothbrush and scan the qr code there. since I'm already there, I might as well brush my teeth. once I've brushed my teeth, I might as well head to bed, because if I don't, I might get hungry before I actually go to bed, and that'd be a shame since I've just brushed my teeth!

if you struggle taking showers, you can distract yourself by putting on an audiobook or something similar on your phone, and take the phone with you in a zip lock bag (make sure it's zipped up well though)! if that doesn't do it, but you do feel kinda gross and sweaty/oily, pick up a washcloth or some wipes and clean yourself up a bit that way. if you've got the energy, you can also run some warm water through the tap, get your shampoo out there, and just wash your hair in the sink. towel on your waist makes sure your clothes don't get wait, keep an extra towel to actually dry your hair. it doesn't have to be perfect, as lucifer (the bag of dicks one, not satan) said, anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. it might just help you feel a little more okay

if you're cursed with a menstrual cycle, I know it can be the extra step to changing into fresh underwear. I'm very irregular, so I wear pads more often than not, and it kinda stops me in my tracks when I want to change my underwear in the morning (I usually go to bed with a clean pad, and if it hardly seems used in the morning, it seems useless to chuck it out already). keyword: in the morning. who said you'd have to change your underwear in the morning? what kind of silly made up rule is that? just change your underwear next time you change your pads (or even just skip to getting into clean underwear at night if you tend to put on a clean pad at night). also trying to figure out if it helps to use those washable pads (clicks on and off easier than the sticky messes that are disposable pads), might keep you updated if I remember to

I can't stress enough how much rinsing your dishes will help you in the long run. I've also gotten the tip to wear rubber gloves when doing dishes if you hate the feeling of water or wet food (or have sensitive skin). if the gloves feel like shit too, you can actually wear thin cloth gloves inside of them too! you might be able to find those at your drug store, they're often used when you have to put salve on your hands overnight I think. there's even lined gloves for sale (or so I've heard), which might be a better option if you'd need to buy new (rubber or cloth) gloves anyway.

on the topic of dishes, if you tend to drink a lot of coffee, tea, or make loads of red or oily sauces: sponges work way better at removing discoloration or oily residue than dishwashing brushes do. if you can't stand molding, but won't be able to do (or rinse) the dishes within a few days, make sure to leave as little water on the surfaces as possible, and do not close off containers (if they smell really bad and opening them is not an option, you might want to consider leaving them closed off, but in the fridge until you can wash them). dried in stuff is a bitch as well, but if you leave them to soak for a little while before actually doing the dishes, it's doable still. more doable than rinsing mold off for me due to sensory issues

whatever your situation, keep your head up. you can do this, one step at a time, with whatever step you can take. progress is progress, even if it's less than you had hoped. find ways that work for you

seeing as I'm doing a bit of burnout recovery, I'm gonna take a moment to share some helpful mental health tips about looking after yourself during hard times

they're just small simple things but they can make a bit of a difference, especially in regards to food and hygiene

feel free to add your own little tricks and tips if you have any, not everything works for everyone so the more variety the better ~

keep your morning medication and a bottle of water next to your bed, if you can't make yourself get up, at least you can have your pills on time

if you're struggling to eat, any food is good food, if you can only eat half a muesli bar, that's a win, the ones with nuts are especially good because they're full of good fats, I like the chocolate/peanut ones ~

nutrient drinks like Up&Gos or any kind of breakfast drink are great, some of them don't need to be refrigerated so you can keep them by your bed if you need to eat or drink something with your morning pills (this may depend on what is/isn't available in your local shops)

lunchbox foods, small packaged things you'd send a kid to school with, fruit cups last a long time in the fridge compared to fresh fruit, and kids squeezy pouches of yogurt are easier to eat than the little tubs

if your anxiety is so bad you can't keep any solids down, try baby food, it's more nutritious and the servings are tiny, eat it slowly with a small spoon

keep in mind that eating 'unhealthy' is better than not eating at all, if your options are 'get takeaway' or 'skip a meal' you're better off with the takeaway, being malnourished is a whole lot more dangerous than gaining weight, and this is coming from my actual dietitian

also is your stomach always acting up? feeling nauseous? you gotta run to the toilet all the time? anxiety can play havoc with your guts REAL bad, if you can't link your tummy upsets to anything you're eating and your doctor can't find anything physically wrong, it could be anxiety, try to eat more fibre if you can (bread, fruit, oats etc) and drink lots of water

actually just do that anyway, drink lots of water, keep a bottle nearby and try to drink from it whenever you think about it, dehydration makes everything feel worse

if you struggle to shower regularly and feel really gross, MOOD, but also keep baby wipes nearby when you use the toilet, give your face, your pits and your bits a wipe down before you go to bed, your arms and legs too if you feel up to it, and change your underwear while you're at it, I stg you'll feel fresh as hell

also use roll on deodorant, spray on can build up a waxy residue after a while if you aren't showering (and it takes a heap of scrubbing to clear up)

if you struggle to brush your teeth, a mouthwash rinse before bed or even just swishing some water around your mouth after eating is better than nothing

don't make yourself do all the dishes in one go, you are allowed to clean just one thing at a time as you need it, but if you give everything a quick rinse before you leave it in the sink, it'll make it easier to clean later

turn big tasks into little tasks, whole room is a pile of clothes? you keep telling yourself you need to clean it all but you get overwhelmed immediately? you don't have to clean it all in one go

set yourself a smaller task like 'I'm gonna get the clothes off the floor', maybe a bunch of them end up on your chair or your desk, but some of them could end up in the laundry or put away, and some is better than none! (also being able to see your floor again feels so good omg)

forcing yourself to do a big job is just gonna make you put it off and off and off, doing just a little bit of it is better than doing none of it

and there's this awesome little thing called Body Doubling, where just having someone be present with you while you do a task makes the task easier to do, even if they aren't helping, I've found it works even over an online call

if you have a friend who also needs to get a chore done, set up a digital body double date and do your chores together while on a call, and then you get to show off your progress to your friend and you can jazz each other up as you go! I've cleaned my room the last three times this way

we get taught that you have to do things in a certain way when really we don't, we don't have to do a good job at everything all the time, we can do just enough little jobs to survive, your house doesn't have to be picture perfect, your kitchen and bathrooms don't have to be spotless, the goal shouldn't be perfection, it just has to be enough

Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly

this is like, my favourite fucking quote and I tell it to myself constantly

not all of this will help everyone, but some of it might help someone, it's always worth a try, don't keep forcing yourself to do things in a way that never works, think outside the box, tailor your environment to fit you in whatever way you can

the world is an ocean of bullshit sometimes and it's okay if you can't swim to shore, as long as you can tread water and keep your head afloat, that's all you should ask of yourself

[hayleybaaaby-blog]

because I really haven't taken a survey in years - I miss MySpace bulletin board or whatever, lmao.

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?
• I'm not sure, honestly. I was in a severely abusive relationship for well over 4 years, ending in January when he was incarcerated for brutally beating me, raping me, & attacking me, all with our two children present. Our 5 year anniversary would be in a few days, the 28th. 😐 Truthfully, I don't know if I'm stronger, but I definitely know that I'll never tolerate anything like that again. Never. 2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?
• being abused over & over again, physically, emotionally, sexually. All in front of my children. I feel pathetic, weak, & disgusted with myself to have kept taking him back.. 3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?
• uh, well. I don't know. I feel trapped in the house I live in with my parents & 2 kids, but that's because of what Luis did to me in my very bedroom - on my bed - and in my kitchen + living room. I feel HAPPIEST at the park or library with the kiddos. Or outside in general. 4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?
• outside with my kids, walking up the dirt driveway. 🌞 5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?
• my kids' father. He's made me the MESS I am today.. 6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
• I can't just name one thing. I hate my mental health issues (severe anxiety, depression, & ADHD), dealing with constant migraines, the fact that I don't have a car, & the way I'm constantly beating myself up about everything. 7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?
• hmm. Take my kiddos to an amusement park or somewhere fun for kiddos. 🌸 8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?
• none. 😂 they're all awful tbh. The only one I kinda like is the 1980's. 9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?
• my children, of course 👩‍👧‍👦 I birthed them, ya know 🤰🏼 But aside from my kiddos, I guess my mother. We butt heads a lot, but she's a very strong & motivated person. My sis & I used to be close.... it hurts. 10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?
• no one, shit I hardly know myself. 🙅🏼 11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?
• how they grew inside of me, came from my body, love me unconditionally, & NEVER want to leave my side. 💘 if y'all can't tell who I'm talking about, that'd be my 2 darling babies. 💜💙💗 12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?
• as a youngin', I wanted to be a teacher. Then as I got a lil older, I desired to be a Psychologist. But then I fell pregnant with Miranda & only took one semester in college.. 13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?
• honestly not sure. 14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?
• oh, who doesn't love compliments. They're brighten your spirit. Especially seeing as I suffered years of being told that I'm bad looking 🙄 but I'm also extremely self-conscious & awkward when I receive a compliment, so 🙈 tis the anxiety. 15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?
• I guess non-physical? I like how understanding and caring I am. I tend to care too much, tho. 16. What is your favorite attribute about yourself?
• I'm caring. 17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?
• I've literally just said that 😂😂 18. Do you believe in love at first sight?
• I used to believe that anything was possible, until I met a monster who destroyed all my positivity. 19. Do you believe in soul mates?
• don't think so. 20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?
• I don't really check them lol. 21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?
• true, blindly, awful love: once. Puppy love: twice. 22. What makes you fall in love with someone?
• everything.... 💔 23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?
• vulnerability just perfectly describe me currently. I'm fairly low in my emotions, so yeah. My kids' dad is who always made me feel that way. Also heartbreak, being betrayed, & embarrassment make me feel like that. 24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?
• ain't nothing to scary to ask a man 🤔😬 25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?
• nothing lol I have no desire to be a man. 😳 26. What do you find most attractive about each sex? * men would be probably their eyes, smile, hands, arms, build. women would be their hair, eyes, smile, passion, body. 27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?
• psychology. 28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?
• take my kids to the beach. 🌊☀️🏊🏼‍♀️🚣🏽‍♀️ I've been before, a handful of times in my childhood & teenager years, but not since I was 17 with my mother, my ex (their dad), & a few other people. I would be so incredibly happy to take my babies to the beach, lie out in the sand & tan while we build sand castles & then take off running to the water to swim 💙🙌🖤 Another thing I'd love to do is go on a cruise. I want to travel the world someday, also. I want to rock climb. Attempt to surf or ski. 🏄🏼‍♀️⛸⛷ Even like to try to ride a horse. 🏇🏼 I want to take self-defense classes 🥋🥊🤼‍♀️ that'll protect me & my kids once my ex does get released. I ALWAYS wanted to learn how to play the piano or keyboard 🎹 I wanted to learn to ACTUALLY dance, take dance lessons & also I'm OBSESSED with gymnastics. But since I'm in my twenties, I'll settle for asking my babygirl to join gymnastics 🤸🏽‍♀️ & just maybe, she'll become an Olympian 🥇🎖🏅 hehe. I played softball for 7 years. I hope so much that my kiddos are athletic 😄😅 29. Why haven’t you done it yet?
• because that's A LOT of stuff, & I don't have the 💵💰💸 for all that. Kids are expensive lil creatures, ya know. 🤑 but so worth it. 🙌💕 30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?
• I definitely would love to go into Photography. 🖤📸🎥📱 honestly, I want to be a Psychologist & earn my PhD, but that's so many years in school. With two kids, that's going to be fairly difficult when my main focus & top priority is them. I dunno. I have even considered nursing because it's only 2 years in school, fair pair, good insurance, & different hours. 31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?
• I don't have a job currently. Just a stay-at-home mama. It's 7:35am. I've done nothing but stay up all night, lying on the couch, playing on my phone or tablet. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ I'll regret it later 🤦🏼‍♀️😅 32. What was the last thing that made you cry?
• some dude. Talking about how I need to get over what Luis did to me because it's "in the past" && how I'm not a perfect mother basically. Here's this: Eff You 🤔🖕 33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
• my son. 💙 his smile & laughter are contagious 👶🏽 34. What is your favorite memory?
• the first time I held each of my child, most definitely. 💓 also, the first time I ever breastfed them, kissed them, & pretty much all of the good memories with them. 😍😭 35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?
• I'm VERY easily embarrassed, like it's terrible. So, there's no telling. Everything literally bothers or embarrasses me. #anxietyproblems 36. What is your biggest fear?
• losing my children. death. my ex. 37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?
• yes, I have 2 very big ones. The first regret I have is taking Luis back AFTER I left him for around 2.5 months. I was newly pregnant with Leonardo, like maybe 3 months pregnant but had only just found out a few weeks before. He attacked me, and I called my dad. Left him & only took Miranda to see him during daytime in broad daylight, never was alone with him for too long, & did not spend the night. The second regret I have is letting him come in my window the morning he intended on killing me.. 38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?
• of course I have. I've been arrested before 🤦🏼‍♀️🙅🏼 All to protect my piece of shit ex because HE ditched my car while drunk. It taught me a valuable lesson, though. I didn't drink after that & still don't. He, on the other hand, didn't learn anything. I ended up with obstruction of justice charges & underaged possession 🙎🏼 I had 100 hours of fucking community service!!! Had to even take an AA class & driving class EVEN after they found out I wasn't driving. Oh, & the magistrate wanted to lock me up for 10 days to "teach" me a lesson about lying to authority 😭 39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done? * stay with my ex. 40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?
• sure would. would give me anxiety, but some people need their day brightened. 41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)? * yup sure would. 42. What’s your favorite joke? * I'm not sure . 43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?
• can I be both & neither 😂 I love animals, but all of my babies have passed away. I used to have a ferret, who passed in December. She was my girl 🌝🌚 miss my Loca Luna. 🐾 44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
• a cat 🐱 45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?
• Jerry Springer & Maury 🙈🙊 46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?
• like Angelica from the Rugrats 👧🏼 47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?
• when I was like 18 & pregnant. Everything was so new & exciting. I loved my ex with all of my heart, too. So blind. 48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?
• that women have the right to their own bodies. & that borders are imaginary lines that were only created after this country was stolen from the indigenous people.. 49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?
• I'm a single mommy who's been through hell & back but am surviving && thriving 💋 50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?
• a vehicle ..

[welcometophu]

Revelations 1

Twinned Book 1: Commit to the Kick

Revelations 1

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Alaric is wary when Pawel pulls into the driveway of a small farmhouse. They left PHU on Sunday afternoon, right after his second game of the weekend, and they’ve been on the road in Vermont for several hours. The last shopping area Alaric spotted was at least twenty minutes back and when he’d commented on how remote they were, Rory pointed out that the similarities between hippies and Clan were strong. Conor snickered.

They all climb out of the car, and Pawel stands with his hand on Conor’s shoulder, while Alaric stands behind them.

“You don’t need to be afraid of anyone here,” Rory says, and heads straight up the stairs onto the porch, then pauses only long enough to knock once on the door. He pushes it open, calls out, “We’re here, Gram!” He motions for the others to follow, then he steps inside.

Alaric lingers as long as he can, only following after Pawel and Conor both go up the stairs. He can smell magic in this place. Not just the ozone-bright scent that filled the car with Pawel and Conor both there, but a more subtle scent like clean, fresh cotton. It’s pervasive, and it makes him want to sneeze.

He steps inside cautiously, nostrils flared. He expects to smell wariness and concern; instead he’s enveloped in a hug from a short woman who hugs as hard as any Clan and smells like bright outdoors and calm.

She presses her cheek to his, then draws back, both hands on his shoulders. “Don’t be nervous,” she says. “Everyone’s welcome here, no matter the Talent. And we’ve heard about you already. You’re as good as family.”

Alaric looks to Rory, who holds his hands out and shrugs. “This is Gram,” Rory says. “Allison Baker; she’s Dad’s mom, and when you meet Nana later, that’s Dad’s other mom.”

“We’ve never been a traditional family.” Gram pats his cheeks, then finally steps away, leaving Alaric awash in that fresh, sweet, outdoor scent. “From what I know of your folk, we’re probably more like that.”

“You don’t have one big house at the center,” Alaric says slowly.

“No one’s above anyone else here,” Gram responds. “Although most of us have our specialties. This happens to be the library house—our family’s always had a thing for books, and Susan’s downright obsessive.”

“So are you,” Rory bends down to kiss her cheek. “Mind if I take Pawel downstairs? We’re only here tonight and tomorrow morning, and I want to get started. Ric, Gram will show you and Conor to rooms—Pawel and Conor are going to have to share, and I figured I’d share with you.”

Conor looks up at Alaric, his gaze narrowing, and Alaric just looks back. He’s not babysitting. He didn’t plan on babysitting, and he doesn’t know this kid particularly well. Conor’s head tilts, expression sharpening before he smirks slightly.

Gram shows them to the rooms, then Conor helps Alaric haul their overnight bags upstairs. Conor bounces on the bed in his room, says, “You’re not planning on just leaving me here, are you?”

“Do you need watching?”

“Not really, but Dad’d say I do. I’m pretty smart. Talented, too. I make sparks, especially with Alan.” Conor has a tablet in his hands, and despite the conversation, he’s playing some kind of a game at the same time.

“Who’s Alan?” Alaric gets the feeling he’s being suckered into a conversation with a purpose, and when Conor peeks at him, he’s even more positive. He smells of curiosity and just a hint of amusement.

“My husband,” Conor tells him, chin lifting slightly.

“You’re too young to be married,” Alaric says firmly.

Conor smiles then, his scent bright and happy, like Alaric passed some kind of a test. “I know. But we got married at recess and that’s cool, because someday we’ll get married for real. He’s my best friend. Are you going to marry Rory? You hold hands.”

“I’m Clan, we touch a lot.” Alaric sinks onto the bed; he’s obviously not going anywhere at this point. He might not want to babysit, but this kid’s not Clan and he’s probably too young to just be let alone. Besides… Alaric doesn’t want to piss off Pawel. “And Rory’s… you saw Gram.”

“She hugs,” Conor says sagely. “And she smells like sunshine, which is weird. I wasn’t expecting that.”

“You can smell her?”

Conor tilts his head, puts his tablet aside. “Not exactly. I smell magic sometimes. Like Alan smells like lightning and smoke, but only when I’m around. And Dad smells like the edge of a candle flame, which does have a smell, kind of waxy and hot and it tickles my nose. Rory smells like nothing, which is really weird.”

“Do I smell?” It’s a strange conversation to have; Alaric’s never thought about this from the other side. “You smell like lightning, like a storm’s about to strike.”

“That’s because I have too much magic.” Conor shrugs. “You smell like old smoke, like something burned a long time ago but never got washed out. It gave me a headache in the car. That’s why I kept trying to open the window, except Dad yelled at me.”

Alaric had thought Conor was playing with the window as it slid up and down until Pawel locked it closed. Huh. “Never met a Mage who smelled magic,” Alaric says.

“You’ve never met a Mage like me.” Conor hops off the bed. “And I’m bored. Did she say we could explore? Because I want to go do something, and Dad’s going to be reading all night. He really likes books.”

“Hang on.” Alaric pulls his phone out, taps out a text to Rory. Should I be helping? Conor’s bored. I could take him outside or something.

That’d be a big help. Pawel said he’s got ADHD and he gets bored easily. Keep him entertained. There are other kids around, too. He might like them.

More kids. Perfect.

It’s not that Alaric doesn’t like kids. There are plenty of them at home, some of them related, some not. Half of them aren’t human when he sees them, and that’s fine. It’s all so much easier when they’re the same ones who’ve been around since he was small. And Clan kids are independent from a young age.

Whereas these are kids who might never have seen someone who’s Clan. Alaric is wary.

“Now you smell like dog,” Conor grumbles. “Wet dog. It’s pretty gross.”

“Rory says there are plenty of other kids around. Let’s go find them.” And if Alaric smells like a dog, then fine, he’ll be a dog. He lets the hound take his place and pads on four feet out of the room and down the stairs, whuffing when Conor doesn’t follow immediately.

Heavy thuds behind him and a thunk at the bottom herald Conor’s arrival as he runs down the stairs and leaps off the bottom few steps. “Okay, that? Is awesome. I can’t do that. I mean, I can make sparks and lightning and I may have broken every light bulb in the room once—don’t tell my dad, okay?—but I can’t do anything like being an actual dog. Can you smell me? Can you track me? Do you think I could track you? Do you smell different now?” Conor gets down on his hands and knees and throws his arms around Alaric’s neck, pressing his face against his ear. “Now you just really smell like dog. All over dog, nothing but dog. I mean, if I didn’t know better, I’d think that you were just totally a dog.”

Alaric puts his paws up against the door and pushes, looks back at Conor.

“Oh, right, door. You can’t really do that with paws, can you?” Conor yanks the door open and Alaric lopes through and down the stairs. He can smell curiosity in the air, a rising scent, and a moment later there’s a shout. Several shouts. Rory wasn’t kidding about the kids.

There are a half dozen of them in a group, an older teen trailing behind them, and from the way they look around, Alaric’s pretty sure this is just the tip of the iceberg. Alaric guesses that the youngest girl is maybe four, her thumb in her mouth and dark hair curling across her face as she peers out through the tangles. The eldest of the children is still a tween, with that mutinous expression and crossed arms that seems to herald the onset of teenage years. He stands with his feet set and brows furrowed. Standing behind the children, the older teen is maybe a year or two younger than Alaric himself. He has a phone in one hand, typing with one thumb, while his other hand reaches out, fingers splayed.

One of the children—a five or six year old boy—rushes forward and runs headlong into some kind of a barrier. The child whines, and Alaric whuffs.

“Ask before you pet the dog,” the teenager drawls, not looking at them. “I mean it, Caleb. You know better. Never touch a strange dog.”

The smallest girl takes her thumb from her mouth, lisps, “Annette got bit.”

“Exactly. See, listen to Miranda. She knows what’s going on.” The teenager finally looks over at them, tilts his head. “I’m Shawn. You’re the guests Gram said was coming?”

“Is she your Gram too, or do you just call her that?” Conor asks. “Does everyone call her that? She’s Rory’s Gram, but that’s how he introduced her to us. I’m Conor, and we’re just visiting. This is Alaric.” He puts his hand on Alaric’s ruff, pulling it away when Alaric bares his teeth. “I’m not afraid of you,” Conor says quietly. “I know you won’t bite me.”

Pawel would probably fail Alaric if he bit Conor, so yeah, Alaric won’t bite him. If he keeps poking though, he might be tempted.

Shawn points to each of the children in turn, reeling off names. “Miranda, Camden, Caleb, Barbie, Jeff, and Simon.” He keeps his hand out; Alaric can smell the ozone in front of him, can almost see the barrier that Caleb keeps pressing against. “Is that a shapeshifter?”

Conor’s eyebrows go wide. “He is Clan and yes, he’s Alaric.” He nudges Alaric with his foot. “Maybe you should be a boy for this.”

Alaric shakes his head, whuffs as strong a negative as he can. If he’s about to be overrun by kids, he is not going to be human for the experience. Instead, he lies down, puts his head on the ground, then carefully rolls over and bares his belly.

It’s humiliating to go belly up for this pack of young Mages, but he doesn’t have any other way to say he won’t bite.

Shawn lowers his hand, and Caleb barrels forward, skidding to a stop on his knees next to Alaric. He bends down, presses his face to Alaric’s ruff. “Good doggie.”

There’s a tug on his ear, and Alaric rolls his head to see Miranda there, petting him. “Soft,” she lisps, and he snorts.

“Shawn.” At the sound of Gram’s voice, the children all roll away from Alaric, and Shawn pauses mid-crouch, straightening up.

“Yeah?”

“Take Conor with you and make sure he gets fed. I suspect his father will be occupied straight through dinner tonight. Conor,” she turns her attention to him. “Shawn will give you the rules, but  this place is a magic safe zone, as long as the magic you do is safe. Please do not do magic without someone else there, and no rituals. Only your own intrinsic magic during playtime. Do no harm.”

Conor’s eyes are wide, and he raises his hands, fingertips spread. Sparks dance along the tips, and he shows them to her; the air is awash in the scent of ozone. “This is okay.” It’s not a question, more a bewildered statement.

Gram nods, smiling gently. “It’s okay, Conor. We’re all Mages here, or families of Mages. Magic is fine. Ask questions. You may think you know a lot, but if there is anything you want to learn, take advantage of being with children like yourself.”

“Sorry Alaric, they’re more interesting.” Conor slips away from Alaric’s side and steps into the group of children. Miranda grabs his hands, pulls them down and immediately shoves one finger into her mouth, making a face as the sparks continue. Conor snickers.

Alaric rolls back to his feet, hunches his back and pushes himself into humanity. Caleb watches him, wide-eyed, as he stands, then runs to join Shawn when he calls.

Gram’s hand falls on Alaric’s shoulder as the children rush off. “I didn’t think you’d want to babysit,” she says quietly. “Shawn’s more than capable, and he’s only one of the teens here. He can call in plenty of reinforcements if he feels he needs to. They’ll be fine.” She tugs slightly, motions for him to follow her around the back of the house. “On the other hand, Conor is right. His father and my grandson will likely be busy for hours. Is there anything you need while you’re here?”

“You’re not afraid of me?” The side of the house is lined with a garden of late-blooming flowers. The scent is bright and fresh, mixing with the sunshine that Gram seems to exude. Alaric rubs at his nose, tries to tamp down the sensitivity to smell.

“Did you think we would be?” Gram leads him to the back where camp chairs ring a fire pit. She gestures, and the pit lights with a bright bonfire. As she sinks slowly into one of the chairs, she looks back at where he stands warily, arms crossed. “You did,” she answers her own question.

“Clan and Mage,” Alaric says. He takes one of the other chairs, leaving space between them.

“Clan and Mage,” she echoes. “It’s a poisonous thing to perpetuate, don’t you think?” She sits back, her hands clasped. “On the other hand, separatism is dangerous, and here we are, more like Clan than other Mages, I know. We like our space, we like having the ability to be ourselves. We don’t feel the need to engage in everything that modern society offers, but we also don’t want to divorce ourselves entirely.”

“Rory says you’re hippies.”

She laughs softly. “He’s not wrong. This commune was started when I was seventeen and first in love with my wife. It wasn’t entirely new. We were typical Mages, with our own neighborhoods within towns nearby. Ten of us banded together—my parents, myself and Susan, and six of our friends—to buy this land and create our own space. We’ve grown since then. There are easily a few hundred of us living here, and we believe in communal family. It takes a village to raise a child. Don’t raise your eyebrows at me—Clan aren’t the only ones who believe in free range children.”

“It’s not what I expected,” Alaric admits.

Gram leans forward, tucks her hair behind her ear. “You’re not what I expected either,” she says softly. “I’ve met Clan who are more beast than anything else. I’ve met Clan who can’t handle the smell of magic. But you’re settled here, and you have a tangible connection to my grandson.” She gets a hand up before Alaric can say anything. “I’m not saying you’re romantically involved, and I’m not asking.”

“He’s like a brother,” Alaric says, and that makes Gram snort.

“That only defines the connection in your mind,” Gram says. “My point is, you’re not locked in the ways of your Clan. You’re not our enemy, and we aren’t yours. And if there is anything we can do to support you, we will. If you’re Rory’s family, then you’re ours as well.”

Alaric licks his lips, inhales the warmth of her scent. “I appreciate the offer,” he says slowly. “Thank you. We just buried Orson last Saturday and right now, the thing I need most is a chance to be quiet. To just be.”

Gram gestures at the fire. “All I have planned for the evening—aside from dinner—is sitting by the fire with a book or possibly knitting. You’re welcome to keep me company.”

“Do you keep your own sheep?” Alaric asks, and Gram lifts an eyebrow. “If you do, I’d like to see them. See your process, if you card and spin. I dye. And knit. And weave.” The words spill out, his hands clenched as he says them, expecting derision.

Gram pushes to her feet, motions for him to follow. “You seem like you won’t mind a walk, but I’m going to take the golf cart,” she says, heading for a building. “If you’re interested in textiles, then we have quite a lot to talk about. And I’ve got someone for you to meet.” She glances over her shoulder, raises an eyebrow. “Maybe we can talk about doing some trading eventually. It’s always good to meet another community that does its own fiber arts.”

Alaric’s fingers itch with the need to do something, and this is so familiar in such a different place. It’s strangely perfect, so he hurries after her. This is something he can offer, something he has experience with. And it’s comfortable. Comforting. Which is just what he needs.

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[anxiety-naturalsolutions]

Self Help for Anxiety & Depression

According to MIND one in four of us will experience a mental health problem during our lifetime and each year over 4,000 people experience enough distress to take their own lives, so we can all benefit from changes in lifestyle to support our mental health.

I have lived with anxiety and depression for over 30 years which has taken me on a journey through the various complementary and standard treatment options.  It took me a long time to realise that way I had got used to feeling wasn’t right but I have never given up in my search for an alternative to anti-depressants.  After ten years of researching I found out that I am hypothyroid - I have an underactive thyroid which is the most commonly under-diagnosed medical condition in the West and this was the cause of my anxiety, low mood, and debilitating lack of energy.

I have had the conventional medical treatments of psychotherapy, CBT, and SSRIs all of which have been helpful to an extent, but no GP or psychiatrist has ever mentioned the importance of nutrition and the role it plays in good mental health.  This is something I have had to find out for myself and I am sharing the information now in the hope that others also find it helpful.

Always go to your GP for diagnosis and ask for psychotherapy and CBT.  Most surgeries have a long waiting list for these treatments so it is important to get on the list as soon as possible.  If your illness is so debilitating that it is having a negative impact on your life so that you are unable to work or look after your children etc then SSRIs can be an effective short term solution to get you back on your feet.  It is important to start doing as much as you can to help yourself so that you don’t become dependant on the drugs starting with daily meditation, diet, and supplements.

Dietary changes and supplements can take three to six months to be effective so they should be started before you try to come off any medication.  When you do come off go very slowly, much slower than the doctor recommends. I got a large emery board and filed across the tablet with one long stroke.  I increased by one stroke every day to shave off a small amount to prevent withdrawal.

I have been on and off anti-depressants (SSRIs or Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors) five times during a period of fifteen years.  I was told by my GP that I should remain on them for the rest of my life, but I refused to accept that.  The diagnosis of depression and anxiety is entirely subjective and the knee-jerk reaction is to prescribe anti-depressants.  There shouldn’t be any stigma to taking medication for those who need it, but it really is only a short-term solution.  

In my opinion the medical profession should be spending more time finding out the underlying cause of the depression and anxiety because they are a symptoms of an underlying condition.  This could be: iodine deficiency, underactive thyroid, low vitamin B12, copper imbalance, or a lack of good fats in the diet.

1. Nutrition

There isn’t much point spending any money on therapies or supplements until you have made changes to the lifestyle choices that could be contributing to poor nutrition.

Eat three meals a day with protein at every meal.

Cut out all sugar, caffeine, gluten, processed foods, refined carbohydrates, alcohol, vegetable oils, and margarine.

Sugar is an anti-nutrient that strips essential minerals from your reserves as your body attempts to break it down.  Depleted levels of calcium, chromium, magnesium, and zinc leave your body in chaos.

Coffee inhibits iron absorption, affects B-vitamins, and raises cortisol.  

Refined carbohydrates, such as baked goods made from white flour, have very little nutritional value and cause your blood sugar to spike.  Reduce carbs and eat as advised by Weton A Price http://www.westonaprice.org/health-topics/be-kind-to-your-grains-and-your-grains-will-be-kind-to-you/.

Alcohol damages the gut lining, causing it to become permeable and ‘leaky’.  It also breaks down B-vitamins and antioxidants such as vitamin C.

Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) is a processed food additive. It is an extremely dangerous neurotoxin (excitotoxin) that shrivels and kills brain cells in the hypothalamus and has been linked to migraines, seizures, ADD/ADHD, heart palpitations, tremors, and MANY other symptoms.

Following a low carb diet such as Weston A Price Foundation (WAPF) for a nutrient dense eating plan that doesn’t remove any food groups.  Read Sally Fallon’s Nourishing Traditions.

WAPF also promotes the use of good fats such as lard, goose, and coconut for frying and roasting instead of vegetable oils which are too high in omega 6. Omega 6 imbalance causes inflammation in the body so we all need to increase our intake of Omega 3s.  Extra Virgin Olive Oil should never be heated, reserve it for pouring on salads etc.

Read: Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon more information at https://www.westonaprice.org/.

2. Testing

B12

Low B12 has been linked with depression and anxiety.  This can be tested by your GP.  Ask for a print out of your results and check them yourself.  On a range of 180-900 a healthy level appears to be 800 or higher. In the 500-800 range, you can benefit from supplementation.  

You can increase your levels with B12 injections, by sucking B12 lozenges, or using a spray - sublingual B12, specifically Methylcobalamin, is a better form of delivery than swallowing capsules because the digestive process can inhibit uptake.  

Take B12 alongside a good B Vitamin Complex supplement such as Doctors Best which contains the active forms in the correct ratio.  People with MTHFR gene mutation cannot process synthetic B vitamins.  B vitamins are water-soluble which means the excess is excreted through urine.

Take B supplements in a split dose at breakfast and lunch to give you energy throughout the day - do not take at night as they can keep you awake.

Keep a diary and note down when you started the supplement and how you feel.  

Can be tested via finger-prick test with Medichecks https://www.medichecks.com/tests/vitamin-b12-active-folate

MTHFR  

Diagnosis is via the 23andMe genetic saliva test. If you feel too overwhelmed at this stage to do this test you can just take the methylated B complex and see if that helps.

Vitamin D

Vitamin D isn’t a vitamin it is an essential hormone and chronic deficiency can contribute to depression and low immunity so it is important to ask your GP for a Vitamin D test. 

Unless you are getting 20mins of sun exposure (without sunscreen) daily throughout the year it is likely that you will need to supplement with Cod Liver Oil and Rosita is the best quality.  Raw organic milk is also a good source of vitamin D.

Morley Robbins advises against D3 supplements and increaseing magnesium instead.  For more information on the Root Cause Protocol go here: http://gotmag.org/vitamin-d-deficiency-mg-deficiency-period/

Ferritin

Ferritin is a blood test that measures your levels of storage iron.  The best test is the iron panel which can be done via finger-prick with Medichecks: https://www.medichecks.com/tests/iron-status-check Ensure you stop iron supplements 5 days before testing.

Stop The Thyroid Madness recommendations on interpreting results:

Iron/Total Iron: 23 is optimal

TIBC: optimal 1/4 above the bottom number in the range

Transferrin Saturation: optimal at 25-45% or close to 35%

Ferritin: optimal between 70 and 90 ug/L

Low ferritin can occur with high iron due to the MTHFR gene mutation impairing the ability to break it down.

Morley Robbins advises against taking iron supplements because the oxidise in the liver.  Her recommends eating beef liver or taking Perfect Health Beef Liver capsules.  http://gotmag.org/category/iron-toxicity/

Cortisol

Abnormal adrenal function can alter the ability of cells to produce energy for the activities of daily life. People who have a hard time rising in the morning, or who suffer from low energy throughout the day, often have abnormal adrenal rhythms and poor blood sugar regulation.

High dose Iodine supplementation above 100mg daily support an antioxidant effect which supports the adrenals and reduces cortisol levels by opposing the strong toxic effects of mercury - Iodine pushes mercury out of the body.

Cortisol levels can be measured by a saliva collection test.  This test is recommended by STTM in the UK and I did it myself.  I found it very easy to do: https://www.medichecks.com/cortisol-tests/cortisol-saliva-tests-4 .

https://stopthethyroidmadness.com/adrenal-info/faq/

Thyroid

The NHS will usually only test for TSH and Free T4.  It is essential to also test for Free T3, Reverse T3, and Thyroid Antibodies.  

Ask for a print out of your results which include the lab reference range. Optimal is FT4 mid range with FT3 high. Any lower and you are hypothyroid which causes depression, anxiety, brain fog, and low energy.

If you want to check yourself a cheap way of doing it is a home finger prick test.  Medichecks https://www.medichecks.com/ do a range of thyroid tests depending on what you want tested, most of which can be done as a home finger prick test.  Reverse T3 needs to be done by blood draw.

https://stopthethyroidmadness.com/recommended-labwork/

If you are hypothyroid the FaceBook group FTPO - UK & Europe can help with interpretation of results.

The best remedy for hypothyroidism is high dose Iodine (50mg for 6 months) and then once you have reached 90-95% saturation, if required, Natural Desiccated Thyroid - NDT.  I recommend reading Dr David Brownstein's books - Iodine Why You Need It and Overcoming Thyroid Disorders. Those books have changed my life. And you are welcome to join my group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/NaturalThyroidHealth which has further information about iodine supplementation, the Root Cause Protocol, and Stop the Thyroid Madness.

3. Heal Your Gut

There isn’t much point taking supplements if you aren’t digesting the foods you eat properly.  Before spending money on supplements, healing your gut is essential so that you body can successfully absorb nutrients.  If you drink alcohol or have taken antibiotics your gut flora will be damaged.  

Include fermented foods: kefir, sauerkraut etc.

Make your own bone broth and drink a cup per day.

Increase good fats: use animal fats such as ghee, lard, goose fat, or coconut oil for frying, baking, and roasting.  Use Extra Virgin Olive Oil for pouring on salads and other cold foods - do not heat EVOO.

Cut out refined sugar and refined carbs.  Take Oregano Oil capsules to kill off the bad bacteria.

Read: Gut & Psychology Syndrome by Natasha Campbell-McBride.

http://www.doctor-natasha.com/.

4. Nutritional Supplements

Iodine: should be the first supplement to start as it is an essential micronutrient which nourishes every cell in the body.  It is difficult to get enough from Western diets as we do not eat enough shellfish or seaweed.  Not only does it detox the body of heavy metals and other toxins, it flushes out halides such as fluoride, chlorine, and bromine which block iodine receptors and prevent absorption causing chronic deficiency.  Follow the guidelines detailed in the posts on Iodine.

Read: Iodine: Why You Need It by Dr David Brownstein.

Join my group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/NaturalThyroidHealth/ 

Fish Oil: take a fish oil supplement that is high in EPA.  I take Rosita Cod Liver Oil.  EPA has been found to be effective in high doses in treating depression.  It also contains Vitamin D which is a hormone not a vitamin and plays an essential role in the way the body functions.  In the UK we don’t get the 20 mins per day sun exposure required to keep the levels normal all year round so supplementing is a requirement.  The use of sunscreen prevents natural absorbtion so it is essential to get tested.

Amino Acid Complex: I take Biocare Broad Spectrum Amino Acids, one capsule after breakfast and lunch. It provides the essential building blocks for the brain to regulate chemical production.

Curcumin/Turmeric: reduces inflammation which can be a cause of depression.  It acts like a MAOI antidepressant, but without the side effects, by inhibiting the monoamine oxidase enzyme modulating the release of serotonin and dopamine.  It should therefore not be taken when you are on SSRI medication.  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2929771

Magnesium Oil: lots of people are magnesium deficient due to soil depletion.  I use 20 sprays of Better You Magnesium Spray before bed.

Probiotics: BioKult which is recommended by GAPs practitioners.

Tulsi (Holy Basil): reduces cortisol levels - the stress hormone.  This should be for short-term use only while the underlying cause is being addressed e.g. removing the cause of the stress.  http://www.livestrong.com/article/432475-holy-basil-for-anxiety-insomnia

5HTP: acts like a natural anti-depressant but should be for short term use only while the underlying cause of the problem is being addressed.

5. CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

After ten sessions of this therapy you will learn how to change your thinking to prevent your own self-talk from making you feel bad about yourself.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr David Burns.  This was recommended to me by a psychiatrist and I found it to be a useful self-help manual.

6. Psychotherapy / Counselling

If there are people or life situations that are causing you to feel emotionally stressed through bullying, control, or manipulation then talk-therapies can help you to explore your feelings in a safe environment.  This will enable you to gain insight into your own behaviour and that of others.

You can get 12 sessions on the NHS and there are organisations that provide low-cost services according to income.

7. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) / Tapping

There are lots of clips on YouTube that can help you to learn EFT which uses the tapping of acupressure points with the fingers to release negative feelings.

8. Exercise

Daily exercise for at least 30 minutes, preferably in the sunshine for vitamin D and light.  It is important for the exercise to be strenuous enough to cause breathlessness to get the blood pumping.  The only exception to this would be if you have chronic fatigue and adrenal issues - exercise will make you feel exhausted.

9. Mindfulness

It is clinically proven that daily meditation reduces anxiety and depression.  Find a beginners meditation CD and do some every day.

It is free, you can do it anywhere, and you don’t need a group, teacher, or special equipment.  Daily meditation for between 10 and 60 minutes, depending on what your body needs, is the best thing any of us can do for ourselves to overcome stress, anxiety, and depression.  

Decided on a time each day for your practice.  I find after lunch is best when I put my children down for a nap or sit them in front of the TV for a DVD that lasts at least an hour.  Switch off your phone and sit in a chair in a quiet room on your own.  Bring your attention to your breath.  If your mind wanders, you start thinking, etc calmly send the thought away without judgement and bring your attention back to the breath. When a thought comes don’t see it as a failure but as a sign that you are growing in awareness.  You are observing your mind and environment without judgement.  You should eventually feel a sense of total calm and peace like you have never felt before.  This feeling will come more quickly and easily the more you meditate.  You will notice you are calmer and better able to deal with problem solving and you will become more efficient at your work.

The Mindful Way Through Depression - Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness by Williams, Teasdale, Segal, and Kobat-Zinn.  This was recommended to me by a CBT therapist.

Sane New World by Ruby Wax.

10. Reiki

This is a hands-on healing technique performed by a trained professional which delivers universal healing energy via the healers hands.  You lay clothes on a couch while the practitioner gradually works around key points on your body. The treatment takes around 50 minutes.  You may feel very tired afterwards.  It heals on a physical and emotional level and can help to remove deep emotional trauma which is causing anxiety or depression.  

I trained as a Reiki Level 1 so that I can treat myself every night in bed.  I spend 10 minutes working on the back of my head to calm my brain and then I fall asleep with my hands on my heart to open up my heart.

11. Acupuncture

Acupuncture works to relieve anxiety, depression, and insomnia.  Start weekly before gradually working towards monthly top-ups to unblock the energy pathways in the body bringing it into balance.

12. EMFs

As much as you can try to avoid exposure to Electro Magnetic Fields (EMFs) which causes damage to our cells creating artificial stress responses which can adversely affect sleep and the production of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine which affect mood.  

Put your mobile phone on airplane mode when it is in your pocket or in a bag that you are carrying.  When you are at home put it on change in a place away from where you or others are sitting.  Turn off the Bluetooth and Wi-Fi signals.

Don’t use Bluetooth accessories for your computer or mobile phone.

Turn off the Wi-Fi signal on your router and use a wired connection for your computer.

Buy a corded landline phone and get rid of any wireless (DECT) phones.

Buy an earthing sheet from The Healthy House so that your body can repair itself during sleep.

Avoid using a microwave by heating things up in pans or in the oven.

Buy a salt lamp for every room in the house.

Put orgonite on electrical devices in the home.

More information about EMFs at http://www.powerwatch.org.uk/.

13. Managing Your Life

If you are fed-up of being bullied or controlled by others take and assertiveness training course and learn how to confidently take control of situations.  Learn to avoid such people to make life even easier!  Confidently say no with a smile on your face.

14. Detox Heavy Metals

Detoxing is only a good idea once your mood is stabilised

Lemon Juice Cleanse: two tablespoons of organic, preferably freshly squeezed, lemon juice in a glass of filtered tap water daily for three weeks.  Then two teaspoons on alternate days.

Apple Cider Vinegar Cleanse: two tablespoons of organic apple cider vinegar with the mother (Biona do a good one) in a glass of filtered tap water daily for three weeks.  Then two teaspoons on alternate days.

Take a super greens supplement containing Chlorella to chelate mercury particularly if you have amalgam fillings or if you have had vaccines. http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2013/01/28/chlorella-for-mercury-poisoning.aspx.

Use only stainless steel, pyrex, or ceramic cookware.  Remove all aluminium pots and pans.

Avoid all vaccinations because they contain either mercury or aluminium.

Consult a homeopath or naturopath for chelation therapy to remove heavy metals from the body.

Filter your tap water and buy mineral water in glass bottles.  Buy reusable stainless steel bottles to take out with you.

Iodine also pushes mercury out of the body.

15. Journaling

Write three pages in an A5 notebook on waking.  This should be a stream of consciousness exercise to allow ideas and feelings to freely come up from the subconscious before the thinking and doing side of the train takes over during the day.

Read: The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.

16. Hormones

If you are a woman visit my hormones blog at https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ovulationsyndrome

Read: A Mind of Your Own by Kelly Brogen MD.