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Jupiter

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I've been spending far too much of my time trying to learn medieval illumination techniques

one of my first semi-successful attempts at fore edge painting! done on an old paperback of aesop's fables.

+ some glamour shots:

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Wise Words

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila!You finish off as an orgasm !

~ 𝘞𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘈𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯

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"I'm a writer" ok how often do you write

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Highly considering a pen name

I feel this in my soul

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This is how I have felt as of late. Everything is just spinning inside my head, and each time i try to reach out and grab for something, its like my hands energy is pushing the subject away.

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Art Prints

Ivy Alive on Etsy

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Stress is the color Orange.

You going about you day, week, month. Everything fine and dandy, looking absolutely UP. Then out of no where, your bank account is negative. And all you can see is that it will continue to get deeper and deeper into the negative for the next, at least, month! You can see all the numbers; every bill that is essential. You start checking your cupboards to make sure you can make enough meals for at least the next week, you start trying to cancel subscriptions just to possibly save you that 10 extra dollars that Disney Plus is pending to take out. But for some reason canceling the subscription isn't as easy said and done because there's a millions extra steps, that your technology just cant seem to make work right now, for some ungodly reason! Frustration overwhelms you. You remind yourself that it isn't the end of the world, but in this moment you swear you can feel the meteor hurling towards Earth! Just awaiting an untimely demise.

You envision everything you've worked so hard for laying around you in the gray embers. you start to shovel them all into the wheelbarrow and figure out someway to mold them back into what they once were.

Little do you know its all a mirage. Nothing is broken around you, everything is still intact. No meteor. No explosion. Everything is going to fine. Now to just make sure it stays that way..

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I’m made an onlyfans to help conquer my body image issues and it’s truly helped!

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American Medicine: Hoax or Foreign Affairs agreement?

Everyone who takes medication for mental illness knows that most times you have to take said medication for at least a month before you see any actual changes in behavior. 

I have been taking prescriptions for:  ADD, ADHD, and Bipolar tendencies, since I was 5 years old. February 1st of 2021 I was informed that I have BPD which rules out the ADD and gives light to the “ bipolar tendencies”. Never have I ever taken any of my medications as a child for the amount of time needed to see change. I quit taking medications all together from the age of 17 to 23. I really didn’t see any issues. But then again I was out “living the life” so what was there to worry about except parties right?

Now I am 25 years old with a child and over the years I've noticed my span for noise is lower than ever. My ability to be present was lacking. My feelings got heavier and heavier every day I woke up. Something was wrong, so I went to get answers. As hard as it was to admit it, I needed help and I needed to do it not only for myself but for my family as well. 

THE FIRST DOCTOR (before BPD diagnosis)

He sounded fresh out of grad school. Asked me all the usual questions such as what I was diagnosed with as a child. I gave him the answers so he just rolled with that ( I would have too if I was in his spot). Prescribed medication to help with focus and a medicine to help with my depression. Which was explained to me as a bipolar medication. Me still refusing to believe I’m bipolar I went to shut that option right down! But after I did he “assured” me that yes it's a bipolar med but it has been known to help with just depression and anxiety. So my mouth agreed, but having a very strong personality tends to be a curse more than a blessing at moments like this. So for a month I decided to just take my ADD medication. My body, my choice right? Through the span of 4 months i would rarely take the “depression” pill. Then around October I realized I had gone down 4 pants sizes in 4 months. If you didn't know that SUPER unhealthy. But I figured I just needed a lower dose. Got that all squared away to getting weaned off of the ADD medication. By the time it was time to go completely off of it I was assigned a new medication doctor.

 The Second Doctor

This time he asked what I had been diagnosed with as a child and what medications I had been prescribed and if any had worked. I filled him in adding in the fact that all of the medical information I received was from my narcissistic mother who never allowed me to speak up during appointments and that from the ages of 5-17 I had been on at least 60 medications (pills, patches, chewable tablets) and that was just a guess. He asked which ones had worked for me. NONE! He let me in on some news about parents that have issues they refuse to deal with so they project it onto their child(ren) but when you tell the parent that if they changed THEIR behavior the child(ren) would change theirs. Then the parent denies having issues and points out that the child(ren) is/are the patient not them. That having a strong personality can also factor into why none of my meds had worked, because my mind says it doesn't want to act this way so we won't allow it. He explained that he believed I had been misdiagnosed, which is common and diagnosed me with BPD and tells me to call and schedule a psychological evaluation.

That was it! It makes so much sense now! I felt it click, and felt the voices scurry with fear. Now I am invested, I will do anything to shut them up and to stop making my feelings a million times stronger than they have to be.

He prescribes me different medicine and I take it religiously. Everyday twice a day Cycle completed. 

Med review: ups dosage on helpful medicine. Insurance screws up have to call my step dad to go get it. Takes his sweet time so the prescription gets sent back. That's ok, no big deal. I still had refills on the lower dosage. I would  just take a second one twice a day to keep the dosage he wants now. 

Didn't think it through too well, 2 days until my next review and I have 3 pills left. 

Med review: Asks me how I feel, I explain the mishap but my past months strategy, but assure him I enjoy the way the medicine has made me feel. He says he can get me a script and I explain that the evaluation was never done because they never called me back. He seems to think I can just be persistent, and asks if I think I should have called back after not getting a call. No, I assume every one is doing their job. It's really not this chill the tension is very high. He tells me he will send an email out to get it figured out. I say thank you feeling relieved and ready to get on with the meeting, “ Ok, bye” Click.

That call lasted a total of 12 minutes. I’m in shock. 

nOe: I’m obviously feeling off because of the dosage issues.

Two: I've already been kicking myself in the ass for now 3 days

Three: WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR HANGS UP ON A MENTAL HEALTH PATIENT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

American medicine is and will always be about money, excuse me while I google crystal healing.

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My heaven will be filled with wall to wall FULL bookshelves !

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bro shutup im making up scenarios in my head that will never happen

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(Credit: steadyandflight.com)

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I lied and said I was busy. I was busy; but not in a way most people understand. I was busy taking deeper breaths. I was busy silencing irrational thoughts. I was busy calming a racing heart. I was busy telling myself I am okay. Sometimes, this is my busy - and I will not apologize for it.”

Brittin Oakman

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*insert excuse here*

It’s happened, whether we want to admit it or not, you’ve canceled plans. To a Neurotypical person, it seems so simple.

Step one: Cancel plans.

Boom, done. No internal thoughts of guilt. No remorse for someone being upset about your absence. Just enjoying their open schedule.

For a Neurodivergent person, it comes with many more obstacles to overcome before they can enjoy their open and cobweb covered schedule. 

Step one: Feel the weight of guilt for even thinking of canceling these plans. Self made scenarios of everything that could go wrong.

Step three: Conjure a believable excuse to not attend.

Step four: * insert excuse here*

Step five: Agonize what the host(s) are going to say about your cancelation, since this isn’t your first time canceling.

Step six: You’re reminded that your many cancelations are the reason no one invites you anywhere.

Step seven: Kicking yourself in the ASS for always complaining about your loneliness, but never venturing out.

Step eight: Contemplate canceling your cancelation. Even if you did, you most likely will cancel again and don’t want to burden anyone with your indecisiveness.

Step nine:  Every time you check the clock, which you’re unknowingly doing more frequently today, and anticipate the planned time of the event. Once you see that it has already started, you can’t help but think of all the fun they are having without you.   

Step ten:  Become engulfed in your depression and loneliness.

You’re so deep in your darkness, you fail to realize that canceling could just be your body's way of telling you, you’re not quite ready to venture out just yet. Listening to your intuition is a magnificent tool in managing your disorder. The goal is to not allow it to stop you forever. Find ways to venture out, without having so much anxiety, doubts and exaggerated scenarios of what if’s. 

Do you have a person? That one human who listens to your problems and doesn’t allow your most horrid thoughts cloud their opinion of you. Who pushes you even when you don’t have the ability to push yourself to do the slightest thing. Have them venture out with you. Take baby steps. Listen to your intuition while you're out. Pay attention to your surroundings. If you feel you are done, allow yourself to accept that, because at least you got out of your comfort zone at all. Take time to reboot and try again, but this time for longer. Any progress made is one step closer to a more accountable you.