#the actors put so much personality into their body language it’s so good.

[azurem00n]

watched yorha boys and had to draw them.. their poses and costumes are so fun to me

[misserabella]

two geniuses (playing love)

masterlist!

synopsis; feelings flourish in between the two of you as you’re forced to act as a couple. could a kiss finally let the two of you understand what was really going on underneath your supposedly hatred? you’re scared to find out.

cw; +18 content! minors dni!!, guns, shots being fired, girls being bitches, bickering, lots of teasing, so much flufffffff, spencer and reader being confused, pining, neck kisses, making out (their first kiss!!), violence, guns, shots being fired, spencer gets flustered a lot, also gets a boner… (so much more that i probably can’t remember)…

“so what do we know about this unsub?” hotch asked, all of you were sitting on the police station around the table, trying to understand this killers motive.

“well, we know his killings evolve around y/n.” morgan stated the obvious, to what you sighed.

“stalkers may exhibit a range of psychological issues, including personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and delusional disorders like erotomania. stalking behaviors can also be influenced by insecure attachment styles rooted in childhood experiences.” spencer added, and you nodded.

“erotomania is a delusional disorder that makes a person believe the person of their infatuation hace reciprocated feelings or love and affection, when they don’t. it may even be a person they’ve never met. they might even be famous, like a politician or an actor. people with this disorder can be so sure of this love that they think they’re in a relationship with this person. they may not be able to accept facts that prove otherwise. it is also called de clérambault syndrome, and it’s rare. it can happen on its own. but it’s usually linked to another mental health condition, like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. it can last for weeks or years.” you recited as if you were reading it off of a book.

“you two are like an encyclopedia.” emily smiled, chuckling.

“so this killer will go to the extreme of killing for you if needed.” jj nodded.

“seems like it.” you answered.

“he also seems pretty possessive and protective of you. he seems to have noticed spencer too.” morgan pointed out.

“you think he might think we’re dating?” you inquired with disbelief.

“it would play to our favor. if our profile around him is right, he might not be able to control the need to stay quiet about it and take action.” gideon said, what made you scoff.

“so what now? we should hold hands and act like a happy couple? fuck no.”

“y/n.” hotch scolded you.

“i’m sorry but that’s not gonna work. if none of you have noticed, spencer and i don’t really get along.”

“shocker!” emily sarcastically said, to what you squinted your eyes at her.

“come on guys… i can’t be the only one who doesn’t see this working out.” you tried to make up their minds and spencer pitched in.

“yeah. and to be honest i don’t want to become the unsub’s new target.” spencer pointed out.

jj stepped in. “it's true that your relationship has been strained, but you're both intelligent individuals. i’m sure you can put aside your differences to sell this lie. it's not about whether or not you like each other; it's about stopping this unsub at all costs." you listened to her words, groaning. she was right. you needed to stop acting like children and work together to catch this unsub.

you looked at spencer, who was already looking at you, communicating with a nod.

“you’re right.” you sighed at jj. “i guess it’s the only way, huh?” you gave in.

hotch stepped in, a flicker of relief crossing his face. "good. now, let's think through the details. we need to create a plausible backstory for your relationship, make sure your body language and interactions are believable, and be prepared for any curveballs the unsub might throw at us. this isn't going to be easy, but I have faith in both of you, and I know you can make this work." you pinched the bridge of your nose.

“how should we… how should we act around each other?” you inquired, cringing internally.

rossi answered “for your relationship to appear authentic, you'll need to display a certain level of intimacy and affection.”

“holding hands, touching each other frequently, being in close proximity… you can't come across as distant or awkward, as that would immediately raise suspicions.”emily added.

“you need to convince the unsub that you're truly in love with each other." jj finished and you scoffed.

“well that’s gonna be easy…” you sarcastically said, bracing yourself for what’s about to come.

-

his hand is warm, big engulfing your own. and clammy. spencer is nervous, awkward, you can feel it as you two walk through the beach, the light breeze hitting your skin, the salt engulfing your lungs.

you two have not said one word since you’ve left the headquarters, not on the way back to the hotel, or when you moved your things into his room, or on the way to the beach…

silence. total and absolute silence.

this was your new reality. to play fantasy with the person you hated the most. to act as if only love was what stood between the two of you and not this immense hatred that gnawed at your insides.

“did you know that by the amount of germs a hand holds it’s actually safer to kiss?” he asks, and his voice sounds hoarse by the silence he has buried himself in.

you hummed. “does that mean you’d prefer me to kiss you instead or hold your hand?” you asked, and he choked.

“what? no! no, what i meant is… i just…” you chuckled.

“relax, reid. it was a joke. i want to kiss you as much as you want to kiss me.” you rolled your eyes. “you’re so tense that whoever saw you would think im holding you hostage and making you hold my hand.” he scoffs.

“sorry. it’s just… awkward.”

“tell me about it…” you sighed, leaving your beach bag down onto the sand. “i think this might be a good spot.”

“for what?” he inquired, letting go of your hand.

“we’re supposed to be on a date, reid. doing things a couple does. you know… watch the sunset, spend time together… all of that.”

“oh.” he muttered. “yeah. that makes sense.” he nodded, watching you take out a couple of towels to spread them across the sand.

“gonna help me or stand there watching?” you chuckled, and he quickly moved to help you, muttering a ‘right, sorry’ that made you laugh internally. who’d know spencer could act like this? embarrassed and coy in front of you?

then he sat, book in hand. of course. “seriously? you’re gonna read right now?” you inquired him and he looked up at you.

“why not? the beach is one of the most relaxing places to read.” he shrugged, and you shook your head, pulling from your beach dress to get it off, leaving yourself on a blue bikini.

his eyes trailed down your sun kissed skin, the sun was setting, giving you a golden hue that made you shine.

“come with me.” your words took him out of his mind, his eyebrows raising as you offered him your hand. “come on.” he seemed suspicious, but again, he had to trust you if this lie was gonna be bought. and so he took your hand and got up. he tried not to think about the fact that your body was mostly exposed, and about the feeling of your soft smaller hand on his bigger one.

you let him go once he was up on his feet, and he took off his shirt, leaving him on his swimwear.

“so i wasn’t actually hallucinating it the last time… where were you hiding that?” you teased him, looking at his soft but toned body. he rolled his eyes.

“stop looking at me.”

“why? does it make you nervous?” you rose your eyebrows. “do i make you nervous, spencer?” you leaned in and he took a step back.

“no. i just don’t like it.” his nose scrunched up and you hummed.

“yeah, right.” you rolled your eyes, giving him your back to start walking towards the shore.

“no. really.” he followed you with a frown, feet fast behind you.

“it’s okay, spencer. your little crush on me it’s cute.”

his eyes widened. “what?! i don’t have a crush on you!”

your feet met the water and you walked in. you heard his splashes behind you as the water met your knees. it was just the perfect temperature.

“you’re dumb.” you said while facing him once again. and he gave you an incredulous look.

“i’m not dumb! why would i be dumb?”

“because of this.” and with a quick movement you were maneuvering him into the water, leaving him splashing your thighs and tummy. you laughed at his glare and shocked expression, his pretty hair now mildly soaked. “god. reid. it’s the second time this happens to you. you don’t learn!”

“you think this is funny, do you?” he asks you, looking up at you.

“definitely.” you nodded, still chuckling, your chest heaving up and down with ragged breathing.

“yeah?”

“yea-“ but before you could finish he was grabbing your hand and pulling you down into the water with him. you froze as you fell on his lap, water splashing around the two of you.

“well, check who’s in the water now, huh?” he was laughing at your shocked expression and damp face before he noticed the position in which the two of you were in, his laughter dying quickly enough.

his eyes met your body, wet in droplets that slid down your chest and navel towards your hips submerged in the water and on top of his. he swallowed at the feeling of your soft weight on him, the swell of your chest right in front of his face, centimeters away from his lips. the curve of your neck… your hair falling over it and down your collarbones… the warmth of your hands on his shoulders, the softness of the skin of your hip under his unconscious grip.

you looked down at him. at his messy hair that had started curling due to the salt, at his thin yet toned build, his heaving chest, his sharp jaw, his hazel puppy eyes, his long lashes… the way he was now looking at you…

“uhm…” he cleared his throat. and the spell in between the two of you broke. you shook your head.

“i should probably…” you pointed at your back, trying to gesture that you should get up, and he nodded, pulling his hands away from your body.

“yeah. yeah.” he nodded, and you used him for leverage to get back on your feet. it was awkward. the tension in between the two of you as he too got back on his feet, neither of you looking at each other. the sun was setting.

“i think i’m gonna… go read.” you nodded.

“yeah. okay. i’ll… i’ll meet you there.” he copied the shaking of your head, and after a couple of seconds in silence he staggered in turning around and getting out of the water. you only went in deeper, submerging your head under the waves, where there was no noise, and no thoughts clouding your head. no doubts. although you could still feel the vivid heartbeat of your heart, crashing harshly against your ribs.

spencer tried to focus on his book, but as much as he’d like to not admit it, his eyes were zeroed on you.

-

“okay…” you hummed. “ursa minor.” you pointed at the sky.

the sun was long gone, and yet, spencer and you still were on the beach, lying on your towels, admiring the map of stars above your heads.

spencer took his turn, pointing just a little bit far away from your constellation. “ursa mayor.”

“now that’s and easy one.” you rolled your eyes teasing him, and he couldn’t help but copy you.

“okay. what about… camelopardalis?” he pointed it out in the sky and you hummed.

“now you’re just showing off.” he groaned.

“oh, so now i’m showing off?” he smirked and you nodded.

“yeah, come on. you could have just pointed out draco. instead you chose camelopardalis? you’re a show off.” he chuckled.

“okay. maybe i just wanted to shut you up.” he shrugged and you laughed.

“now, that’s not easy.”

“tell me about it.” he mumbled. “hey look. it’s saturn.” he pointed it out, it shining more than a normal star.

“and mars.” you said, pointing it out as well.

“and dwarf planet 1 ceres.” he added and you looked at him with your eyebrows raising.

“you’re bluffing.”

“i’m not!”

“yes you are, reid. that planet can only be seen with binoculars. you wear glasses!”

“how do you know that?” you laughed.

“caught you!” he rolled his eyes.

“okay. maybe i memorized tonight’s sky map, so what?” you chuckled at his response.

“you’re a nerd.”

“yeah? well so are you. what’s your iq, 170?”

“177.” his eyes widened. “what?”

“i mean. i knew you were intelligent. but we almost share the same iq. that’s… that’s impressive.”

“was that a compliment, doctor reid?” you smirked.

he shook his head with a smile, scoffing. “no.”

“it was though.”

“it wasn’t.”

“it totally was.” your bickering caused him to laugh.

“you’re insufferable.” he groaned, and you smiled.

“i know.” you two rested in silence, looking at the sky. “this isn’t so bad…” he looked at you. “i mean, sure. i don’t like you. and acting as your girlfriend totally sucks, believe me. but i thought it would be worse.” he hummed.

“you have a way of complimenting someone and at the same time insulting them that is fascinating.” he said, and you chuckled. “by the way… what time is it?” you took your phone.

“almost one am.” you answered his question.

“we should probably get going.” he muttered and you rose your eyebrows.

“you want me back into your bed so soon, reid?” he scoffed.

“you really like to assume those kinds of things. in the end i’m gonna start thinking you’re the one who wants me in your bed.” your eyes widened.

“fuck no!” you said while getting up from the towel, and he smirked up at you.

“you sure?”

“of course i am.”

“then why are you avoiding my eyes?” he got up to stand beside you, a smirk on his face. you wanted to punch it out of him.

“i’m not.” you scoffed.

“but you are.” your skin rose in goosebumps as he stepped closer, your breath hitching when he took your chin and made you look up at him into his hazel eyes. the moonlight made them shine. and for a moment you forgot that he was teasing you, playing with you.

“i don’t want you in my bed.” you said, straight into his eyes, pushing away his touch. he smiled.

“okay. i’ll believe you.” you looked away from him as he started gathering his things and put on back his shirt. you wondered why your cheeks were burning. why your heart was racing.

he put your beach bag over his shoulder. “let’s go.” and even though your body jolted underneath his touch as he took your hand to guide you down the shore back to the hotel —and you reminded yourself that this was all part of the lie you were playing—, you let him.

-

“how are our lovebirds?” garcia asked through the phone and you rolled your eyes.

“would be better if you’d catch this guy now…” you said, and heard snickers from the other part of the line.

“he’s behaving, isn’t he?” morgan inquired and spencer frowned.

“what?! what do you mean behave?” you shushed him.

“he’s not being so bad… usual reid.” morgan laughed. “any news on the unsub?”

“actually, yeah.” jj said. “we caught him lurking on the beach you guys visited, but he was far from our reach. seemed pretty angry.”

“so he’s getting closer…” you nodded.

“he seemed to buy into the lie of the relationship.” spencer hummed and you nodded.

“you guys need to keep it up. if our profile is right he will not stand still and watch, he’ll confront the two of you soon.” hotch said.

“alright. we will.” you promised.

“we’ll keep in touch.” emily said before the line went dead and the two of you looked at each other.

“what should we do now?” he inquired.

“go to the pool.” you smiled and he groaned. “come on. he needs to see us.” you said while getting a bikini and entering the bathroom to get changed. once done you got out and found him with a pair of red trunks. “now that’s the spirit.” you smiled and he rolled his eyes. “come on, reid. the sun is up and shining for us. time to sunbathe!” he took some of his books and his sunglasses, following after you out of your room and though the hallways of the hotel until you two were met by happy squealing and laughter from the children enjoying their time in the pool, splashing each other.

you two took a sun lounge each, his umbrella staying open while yours stood shut as you applied tanning oil to your skin after getting rid of your shorts. spencer kept his summer sheer shirt, laying sat up straight in the sun lounge as he quickly went through the pages, reading 20.000 words per minute. you laid on your own, bathing in the warmth of the sun as it prickled your skin.

you were enjoying the tranquility until some shadows took over your sun. you peeked your eyes open to see three girls standing over the two of you, sweet smiles on their faces as they stared at your right. more like… at spencer.

“hey.” one of them caught his attention, and his hazel eyes pulled away from his book towards the blonde.

“what are you reading?” a brunette asked him next, and he stuttered just the slightest before answering.

“uhmm… anna karenina. it’s from leo tolstoy from 1878. it deals with themes of betrayal, faith, family, marriage, imperial russia, society, desire, and the differences between rural and urban life. it’s actually my second time reading it. this time in the original russian.” he spat out, babbling as the three girls listening. more like ate him up with their eyes.

“you’re cute.” the third and last girl, another blonde smiled, and spencer’s eyes widened.

“could i get your number?” the brunette inquired him and you sat up straight, slightly clearing your throat, what made them look at you. “and you are…?”

you smiled. “his girlfriend.” spencer looked at you scandalized, what almost made you laugh. “i mean i get you guys…” you said with a smirk, leaning over him, your chest pressing against his as your arms circled his neck. his breath hitched as you hummed, looking at him before looking back at the three girls that now stunned looked at you. “he’s just too cute, isn’t he?” you took his face with one of your hands, making his lips pout out. he looked at you with furrowed eyebrows and widened eyes. you smiled at him, his cheeks flushing at your words and the way your body just pushed closer against his. “but he’s mine.” you crooked your head towards the girls. “so if you don’t mind…”

“actually i do mind.” the brunette said. and your eyebrows rose. “i don’t see your name branded on him.” you slowly pulled away from spencer, getting on your feet.

you smiled softly at her. spencer didn’t like it one bit. you never smiled. not like that. “what’s your name?”

“ashley.” she answered, and you saw spencer getting up get beside your from the side of your eyes as you gave her a once over, your eyes landing on her pool heels. he was cautious, he knew something was wrong. sweet intelligent spencer…

“i like your shoes.” you started, simple, and she looked confused at you. “you gonna… be able to run in those?” you inquired.

“what?” and before she knew what was happening you were launching yourself towards her. good timing spencer was fast enough to catch you in between his arms as her friends pulled her away, running from you with ‘let’s go!’s.

“yeah, that’s more like it. see you, ashley!!!” you said while fighting spencer’s tight hold on you. “bitch…” you murmured when they got lost into the hotel. he let you go when you had seemingly calmed down and stared at you.

“what was that?”

“what? she was being a bitch.” you shrugged and got back to your sun lounge.

“no. i mean. what was that?”

“reid. i’m supposed to be your girlfriend… don’t you think that’s how a girlfriend would act?” you inquired him, and he looked around, scratching his nape.

“i mean, yeah but…” you cut him off.

“then it’s settled.” you said before closing your eyes and getting back with your sun.

he stared at you, still in shock and with flushed cheeks. his mind got filled with images and moments from the last days; you in the pool the night you’d thrown him in, how you had teased him, how your lips had almost touched his, last night at the beach when you had fallen on top of him… and now… seeing you that way, had done… things to him. things he didn’t want to accept. his whole body was tense, his heart was stuttering, his eyes whole face was red, and his stomach was feeling bubbly and… well. okay. no. enough.

he cleared his throat and sat down beside you, retrieving his book, trying to dismiss the knot in his throat. he looked at you. at your slowly tanning skin, the shine it had due to the oil you had bathed yourself in, your beautiful curves accentuated by the white bikini you’d gone for today, your soft features, your long lashes, your plump lips, your soft jaw, the soft skin of your neck, your…

when his eyes dropped too low he looked away, clearing his throat.

he tried to go back to the russian, but he was flustered. after minutes of trying to get back in focus, he gave up, getting up and pulling his shirt off, what caught your attention.

“where are you going?” you inquired.

“i was gonna go for a swim.” he pointed to the pool, and you sprung up.

“i’ll join you.” you smiled, and his heart stuttered at the recurring memories of that night in the pool. let it go, spencer.

following him into the water, you sigh at the fresh feeling of it engulfing you and making your overheated skin find solace.

spencer dampens his hair, pushing it backwards in a slick manner that exposes his strong cheek bones. but it’s when you finally stop staring at him that you notice it.

his breath hitched when your arms surrounded his neck, pulling him closer, your chest pressed against his as you spun in the water.

“what are you doing?” he inquired you, his hands subconsciously grabbing your hips. to push you away? to pull you closer? who knew…

“your twelve o’ clock. i think it’s our guy.” you muttered in his ear swiftly, smiling at him as if you were absolutely smitten, playing with his hair. spencer looked just for a moment. it was a white male, in his late thirties, wearing glasses and a cap, staring straight at the two of you with clenched fists.

“he surely doesn’t look happy.” he muttered to you, pulling you closer. “looks like it might be him.” you hummed. “what should we do?”

“well you should definitely act like you love me.” you smiled, cupping his cheek. “like this…” you looked straight into his eyes, and his breath hitched. if he didn’t knew better you’d have fooled him, ‘cause you were looking at him as if you craved nothing else, no one else but him.

you almost chocked when one of his hands found your hair, his breath pressing against your neck just before his lips did. “does this work?” he inquired you, pressing another chaste kiss on the sensitive skin.

you had to come and get back your trail of thought, ‘cause he had stolen it away just that easy. it was unnerving.

“you tell me. you’re the one facing him.” you whispered, and he hummed against your skin. you had to pretend as if it y didn’t send shivers down your spine.

“he’s just staring.” he stated.

“he wouldn’t dare do something with this much people around.” you figured.

“or maybe he just doesn’t want to taint his image before you. he wants to meet you in the perfect way, perfect place, perfect time.”

“what a romantic…” you rolled your eyes.

“he’s moving.” spencer announced.

“leaving?” you inquired and he nodded, his soft stubble scratching your neck and making you shudder in his arms.

“seems like it.” once out of sight he let you go, and you looked away from his eyes, the imprint of his hold on your hips still lingering on your skin, his kisses still burning your neck.

“he won’t be able to hold on for much longer...”

you nodded, fidgeting. “i’ll… i’ll go tell the team.”

“yeah. okay.” spencer copies your shake of head, and you got out of the pool, his eyes training on your back and down your body before he caught himself staring, quickly looking away and pushing his hair back anxiously. he could still feel the softness of your skin, smell the coconut tanning oil you’d lathered yourself in, remember how right you’d feel in between his arms, taking whatever he gave you…

he sighed. get it together reid.

but he had to spend a while in the water to properly calm down before making his way back to you. this was gonna end badly.

-

dinner with spencer was easy. it was a warm night. and he looked good. with a blue button up shirt and white pants along with his brown shoes. it was easy to talk to him, even easier to let him pay and let him walk you by his hand through the hotel and into the gardens of it. it was so easy to live this lovers lie that it terrified you. the moon and stars were shining bright above your heads, and the silence that filled the distance in between the two of you was as comfortable as it could get.

that was until he was breaking it to stutter about theories of the universe. theories you already knew. but for once you decided to keep quiet and listen to his rambling, enjoying the way his eyes sparkled with knowledge, the way his lips curled into a smile with every little fact that spilled from them…your heart was hammering inside your chest. it has been since the time in the pool. you were scared he could feel your heartbeat by how tight he was holding your hand. you’d come to understand that he wasn’t that bad. sure, he sometimes could get under your skin and make you lose your temper, but spencer reid could be as soft as a feather when he wanted to, and that made it all even worse. you were used to his narcissism, to his hatred, not to his ‘love’. was this how he really was or just another lie? just another façade? you were haunted by the feelings that this side of him flourished in your body.

“there’s someone following you.” since the spotting in the pool, the team had made sure to give you an earpiece each to communicate with you in case of emergency. jj’s voice made spencer’s waver, but to play along he just pulled you closer and continued with his theories. “seems like the man you told us about, y/n.”

you two slowly stopped walking, looking at each other as he kept talking, waiting for orders.

“he stopped. he’s just… watching.” emily announced and you inquired spencer and the team.

“what should we do? he’s not gonna come to us that easily…”

“reid, kiss her.” hotch ordered and his eyes widened, breath hitching and his hold on your hand hardening.

“what? no! i’m not going to kiss her!” he whispered-yelled, completely astonished.

“the physical contact will drive him to approach you both. we’ll be right there.” morgan chirped in, trying to convince his friend, soothe his anxiety. but spencer wasn’t scared of the unsub. he was scared of you. terrified. terrified by how good it felt to have you this close, to hold your hand, to see your smile, to share time with you… he wondered if this last thing would make him crack. would make him understand that it wasn’t hatred all along. he wasn’t sure he was ready to know the truth.

“there must be another way, i-“ he tried, but you groaned at his hesitation, taking the matter into your own hands.

“for the love of god, reid.” you grabbed at his curly hair, and in a tug, you pulled him down against your mouth. he froze at first, surprised, in shock at the soft feeling of your lips against his, at the feeling of your chest tightly pressed against him. but then it all completely changes, he can’t get enough. he cupped yor face in between his warm hands and pulled you closer, until there was no space between you two, something he must hate, but only finds himself enjoying. you gasp into his mouth and he takes the opportunity to push his tongue inside, pushing you against the wall of the hotel, devouring you as if he had been waiting years for this moment. you were air. and he was drowning.

“slow down…” you breathily moan against his lips, and he groans.

“i can’t.” he confessed.

the kiss that follows is just as desperate and harsh, your tongues dancing around the other as he kisses you like you’re everything he’s ever craved. you feel him press against you, and the feeling of a bulge on his crotch surprises you.

“you seem to be enjoying this a little bit too much, reid.” you said with a smirk as you felt his growing erection pushing against your thigh to find solace, some friction, anything to make him feel better. he’s losing control, he knows. but he looks into your dazed eyes and he knows you are falling just as hard. he hopes the fall doesn’t hurt as bad as his heart right now.

“i hate you.” he muttered against your lips.

“say it like you mean it.” and before he could kiss you again, the sound of a gun being loaded sounded.

“get away from her.” a male voice filled your ears and spencer stepped away from you, leaving you cold, confused and in need of more you thought you’d never crave. “get away!” he repeated pointing at him with the gun.

“okay, okay… calm down…” he softly said, taking a couple of steps away from you.

“how do you dare touch her?!” he screamed. he seemed scattered. “nobody should touch her. she’s mine!”

“no, she’s not.” spencer said just as morgan knocked the unsub to the ground, a shot being fired, the bulled burying itself inches away from you on the wall. he was quick to reach out for you as you looked down at yourself. “are you okay?” he inquired, taking your face, inspecting it.

“don’t touch her!” the man screamed again as you nodded.

“easy!” morgan yelled as he cuffed him up.

“yeah… i’m alright.” you muttered and spencer nodded, looking right into your eyes. you could still see his flushed cheeks, and his swollen wet lips, could see traces of you left behind. you wanted to taste him again. and again. and again. until the only thing you could remember was him and his lips, and the feeling of his body pressing against you.

that night. something changes. and it scares not only your bones, but your soul as well.

-

[3d-wifey]

NSFT Alphabet: MK1 Johnny Cage Edition

A/N: Wrote this to hold you Johnny girls (gender neutral) over until I finish that smut 😙 Plus, I find writing these Alphabets for a character in preparation to write full-fledged smut for them is very helpful in capturing accurate characterization. It's almost like a writing exercise. I've written three different ones so far and I tried to keep them in character, if that makes sense. Like, I tried putting their personality and language in it. Okay, enjoy.

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Talking. So much talking. But, honestly, did you expect anything else? As he’s pulling out, as he’s carrying you to the shower, as you’re washing his hair. And when it inevitably leads to shower sex, he’s talking then too. You’ll never meet a man who loves the sound of his own voice more than Johnny Cage.

B = Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partners)

Uh, how ‘bout the artillery canons strapped to his arms? C’mon, I mean, who wouldn’t want a ticket to the gun show? 

Face. Is saying your face too cliche? Hear him out! You want specifics? He can do specifics! He likes the dimples that pop in your cheeks when he finally gets you to laugh at one of his jokes, the little crease you get between your eyebrows when he’s pissed you off, the adorable way your nose scrunches up when he does that one thing with his tongue that drives you crazy. See? Specifics!

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum, basically)

Pull out game…very weak. Embarrassingly weak, actually. He swears he’s never had this problem before. His ability to pull out in the nick of time has always been something he’s prided himself on. However, he vastly underestimated just how good you’d feel. He’s clean, you’re clean, and, hey! You both prefer the feeling of hitting it raw, the way nature intended it. However, your pussy’s like wet kryptonite. And he’s only a man. A very awesome man, but a man nonetheless. So birth control it is! Or, if you’re turned off by all the side effects, he can be talked into a vasectomy. It’s either that or give up the sweet, sweet embrace of your walls when he’s balls deep. 

On second thought, that vasectomy sounds pretty tempting. It is reversible, right?

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Johnny would leak his own sex tape. Plain and simple. He’d leak it from a burner account and watch the chaos ensue. There’s no shame in his game. Hey, it’s ranked the Number 1 Celebrity sex tape for a reason.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Is this even a question? Actors, singers, models, directors, producers. He’s THE Johnny Cage, Hollywood royalty. He’s fucked actual royalty. You’re in good hands—as long as he cares about you. If you’re a random hookup, then he’s not really working for your pleasure here. You’ll definitely cum, but it’s mainly a pit stop on his way to the finish line. 

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying)

Reverse cowgirl. Johnny’s an ass man, through and through. He loves fucking up into you and watching your ass ripple with both of your movements. And he loves holding onto you. Big hands grabbing your waist, hips, thighs, and especially your ass. He also loves seeing you both in action. So reverse cowgirl + some artfully placed full-length mirrors = Him wrapping his arms around your stomach, rubbing at your clit, and forcing you to watch yourself as you desperately grind against him, AKA Heaven. 

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc.)

Oh, c’mon. It isn’t like him to be serious in any situation. He’s gotta slip a joke in every now and then. Get it? Slip a joke in?

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Wax on, wax off, baby. Smoother than a seal. Or, uh, some other sexy, hairless animal. You mourn when he waxes his happy trail. 

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment? The romantic aspect.)

You’ll be surprised by how charming he can be. It’s not all jokes and great orgasms. It’s also loving touches, reverent compliments, and amazing orgasms.

J = Jack off (Masturbation Headcanon)

He’s got a healthy libido and a pretty stacked schedule, so sometimes a quick introduction between his hand and mini Johnny can’t be helped. But he’s also got a smoking hot girlfriend (you), so jerking off by himself is a rare occurrence. 

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Exhibitionism. What can he say? He’s a performer at heart and he loves an audience. But nothing crazy, just your average celebrity having sex on a yacht that’s in full view of the paparazzi. Or the occasional jerking off with you telling him how fast or slow to go. Oh, and you can’t forget about the sex tapes. Man, with the amount of videos he has of the two of you going at it, he could start an archive. You two have definitely ended up on the cover of TMZ and the front page of Twitter.

Voyeurism. But only for you. He’s enthralled by anything you do, including how many of your much smaller fingers will you stuff inside yourself to replicate the feeling of him stretching you wide. It usually leads to you begging for him to touch you, something else he’s in love with. Nothing wrong with a little hands-on audience participation.

Dirty talk. Normally, dirty talk is kind of basic to any old romp in the hay, but Johnny, being Johnny, puts his own Cage flair on it. Those corny oneliners somehow translate to the perfect thing to say to get you hot. He’s like Shakespear, if Shakespear was good-looking and not a virgin. You know what they say: everything sounds better when you’re horny. Who says that? Uh…

Fighting/Sparing which always leads to blood play. Winning a match gets Johnny’s blood pumping. The adrenaline of escaping death and the crowd hyping him up. And the crux of it all is you who happens to get especially wet when he comes to you covered in blood, grinning with a glint in his eyes that’s poorly hidden behind his blood-speckled sunglasses (a glint that many may describe as mania). And it certainly goes the other way. Watching you kick ass makes him harder than a diamond. Sparing together is a no-brainer that leads to fucking on his gym floor, or, honestly, wherever you two fall. Lui Kang must regret making you two his champions in this timeline with how often he’s walked in on you two. Offering to let him join probably doesn’t soften the blow, but, hey, it’s only polite.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

In his mansion. In one of his lavish beds, or pressed up against the wall-length windows. In his Bentley or in the back of his limo. He’s a big fan of fingering you under the table at an award show and then fucking you in a bathroom at said award show when he should definitely be on stage presenting. For whatever reason, walking the red carpet always gets him worked up. And going to the club together always ends with you riding him in the VIP section.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Such a complex question for a man with complex taste. I’m joking, Johnny is so easy. It’s actually ridiculous how easily you turn him on. Laugh at his joke, hard. Complement his acting or fighting, hard. Running your fingers through his hair/scratching his scalp, hard. Feel him up/tease him in any context, hard. You’re covered in blood after a win, hard, hard, rock hard.

“Are you King Midas? Cuz you make me hard with just one touch.”

“That one was actually kinda clever.” 

N = No (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Nothing too gross. He’s all for sloppy, messy sex, but he has to draw the line somewhere. There’s nasty 👁🫦👁 and there’s n a s t y 👁👄👁. 

He likes to tease/do the opposite of what you say, but if you’re not 100% on board with what he’s doing, then he’s stopping it then and there. Remember: there’s nothing sexier than explicit consent!

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Preferred to receive before he started dating you, and only ever had the urge to go down on someone if he had been drinking before. After you started dating, he definitely loved it whenever you gave him head, but he didn’t realize how much pleasure he could get from giving you pleasure. 

He loves sloppy head, giving and receiving, so if you weren’t wet before, you definitely will be after he gets his mouth on you. 

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Depends on when and where you’re doing it. And if you two are “allowed” to be doing it in said place.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Big fan of the guy who came up with the idea of quickies, enough said. 

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc.)

C’mon. He’s the leading source of your sex tapes getting leaked. I mean, how do you think the paps keep finding you in compromising positions? A little tip-off to them while you take his tip, ha!

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?)

It’s like he runs off horsepower, good God. If you’re trying to go until he’s tired out, it’s gonna be a couple of rounds until then.

T = Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He’s a fan of dildos. Specifically, watching you fuck yourself with one. “Go ahead, baby. Show me how bad you want me.” And show him, you do. God, you know how to put on a show. But you shouldn’t have to settle for some random dildo. You’re with the Cage man, and he would get a mold of his dick made for you. And they say he’s not romantic. 

Strap-on. That’s it. And he takes it well ;).

Remote-controlled vibrators, for you and him. Hell, let’s make a game out of it. See who can last the longest in public, there are no losers! 

U = Unfair (How much they like to tease)

His version of teasing is doing the opposite of what you said to do. You want him to speed up? He’s slowing down and making sure you feel every inch inside you. Oh, keep his hands above his head? You gonna make him? He’s a total brat, but you knew what you were getting yourself into when you agreed to date him.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Heh, yeahhh. He’s real loud. Moans, groans, screams, whimpers. You name it, he’s doing it. It’s the performer in him. And because he knows you like how he sounds.

W = Wild Card (A random headcanon for the character)

Tattoos? Sexy as hell. If you were to ever get his name tattooed on you (preferably a tramp stamp), then you might as well start planning what flowers you want in your bouquet. I could see him getting your name tattooed on him too. Probably on his pelvis, in the middle of his v-line. In case anyone ever needs a reminder of who his dick belongs to.  

Type of guy to dedicate a Mortal Kombat match to you, and then lose. Ah, I’m joking. He’d beat his opponent’s ass all because you promised him victory sex if he won and he doesn’t take victory sex lightly.

X = X-ray (Let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

He’s got an 8.5–8.9 inch hog, shower not a grower. Little Johnny isn’t so little. There’s a reason he’s alright with doing full-frontal nudity if the scene calls for it. They’ve had to CG out his bulge in post-production in every Ninja Mime movie. It’s not his fault spandex happens to be the clingiest material known to man.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Higher than Mount Fuji. He’s a stallion in his prime with a gorgeous girlfriend. His spare time is filled with filling you. And you both tend to feed off of each other, so all it takes is for one of you to be the tiniest bit turned on, and then, boom! You’re both desperately grinding against each other in a supply closet. Ain’t that just the way?

Z = Zzz (How quickly they fall asleep afterward)

Depends. He’s kind of like a dog that needs to tire himself out before he can sleep. 

Click for a Johnny Cage-shaped surprise👀👀

[actuallyjustabiscuit]

So as someone who is very fond of the Latin American dub of certain Disney movies, I wanted to check out TADC in Spanish…

…and found some interesting dialogue changes.

Now changes in translation is not unheard of when dubbing something that was written in a different language, of course. This is usually done to help make the lip movements look more natural, but also because some jokes or expressions can hit different depending on the language.

And I think that’s really neat

So I wanna share some of these differences that I spotted from episode 3 🙂

“And Zooble returns to normal.”

“I’m already nor[mal]…”

So the original joke Jax makes in English is “And Zooble turns straight.” which Zooble then clarifies that their limbs just straighten out when they hold their breath.

But I think the change to Zooble getting defensive over their appearance (or just taking offense at the implication that they’re abnormal) makes the fact that they hate their body hit a lot harder.

“Bubble has those?”

This is referring to Bubble having feelings, which is certainly a good question.

It’s sounds like an insult, but I’d find it funnier if Zooble’s curiosity was sincere.

“Excuse me, could you repeat that? I don’t speak Lovecraftian.”

C’mon, we were all thinking this angel looked a little too much like an eldritch abomination.

“And Pomni, every time she comes back from one we lose a little more of her”

…this…really puts Pomni’s experience in the Circus into perspective.

It also makes me wonder how much Zooble is projecting here.

“Please, stay dead.”

Not much different from the original but I love that she says “porfis” instead of “por favor” because using the abbreviated version makes her sound cuter.

“Congratulations, my honey mariachi rockers (?)”

…I don’t even know…

My personal favorite dialogue change because Caine is basically saying “And that’s the end!” but instead of referring to a story (which is usually the context for which this phrase is used) he’s referring to his adventures.

I just thinks it’s fun how they essentially made Caine rhyme like a Dr. Suess character.

So…this…

I’m gonna try to explain why this scene hit me so much harder in Spanish. Again, it’s not that different from the original where Kinger says “In this world, the worst thing you can do is make someone think they’re not wanted or loved”

But here, it sounds almost...poetic? Melodic? My point is that he’s rhyming here, and I’m almost certain that it was intentional.

Like…directly translating this into English would not do this subtle change justice. Or vice versa! Directly translating the English version to Spanish would not hold the same aesthetically pleasing delivery.

And that’s another thing!

I want to give a quick shout out to the amazing voice actors that lent their talent for the Spanish dub of TADC.

Especially, Rodo Balderas (Caine), Maureen Herman (Zooble) and Elliot Leguizamo (Kinger), because WOW their performances in this episode was peak.

Elliot make Kinger so goofy. Like really goofy. Then when we get to the point where he talks about Queenie his voice gets so soft. You can feel how much he loves and misses her. Seriously, the range on this man!

Anyway, yeah, watching the show in Spanish definitely gives another enjoyable experience.

[lilac-den]

Ok. So... You know that the fandom exist an au call Actor AU right? If the TSR ROs are all actors, how would they be?

A...Actor AU...? 😶 I'm not gonna lie, I am so clueless on this part. But from what I looked up, it tells of characters actually being actors who play in a movie, series, etc...?

So if u mean how the ROs are like if they were actors of TSR... 🤔 I'll answer, but I can imagine the casts all becoming pretty good friends cuz of how well the chemistry is.

Maverick: Still pretty stone-faced/hard to read but by then, his fellow cast members (mainly Rydigan, Ittania, Enid and MC) would have catch hints of how to read him. His parents r still horrible, but in the Actor AU, they're probably separated and he has already cut ties from them.

In his romance tho, he would probably stare at MC a lot, side-eying and taking glances. The crew would probs comment how Maverick is a lot more intense and focused when its scenes between just him and MC...

Rydigan: Even off screen, he's the life of the party and the one who remembers each and every crew members' names. If it isn't his charming smile people fawn for, it's his cheery personality. Wouldn't surprise me if he got the acting gig cuz he was scouted randomly on the street. He's also the one who would probs suggest hanging out together, cementing the bond between the little group.

In his romance, he would try to chat with MC and the crew would note how Rydigan just instinctively knew which direction MC comes from or when MC would arrive on set.

Ittania: She's the one most excited about the role - it's her first big role, but she has done a lot of voice acting and cameo/background roles. Lots of people sees her as a cool, big sister type while others can't help but notice her due to the energy she radiates. Some of the crew and her agency are a little protective tho, given her naive and oblivious nature.

In her romance, she'd be the first one putting an arm around MC's shoulder and greeting her really casually and closely. She'd want to hang out with MC and even ask them if they're down to practice their lines together to better prepare the scenes they have together. Might ask MC if they want to do some voice acting with her too, like a collab.

Enid: She's a very high-demand actress. The crew are surprised the directors and producers even managed to get her to accept the role offer. She's very diligent and doesn't like to make mistakes. She's a bit tough to befriend, but Maverick, Rydigan and Ittania got through her icy exterior. With MC, she'd thought MC might just be a newbie who got lucky until she had a scene with them or she saw how they acted out the scene of the Prologue (the one with the apartment). She's impressed by how much anguish MC managed to act and thus, her opinion of them improved (she refuses to admit that this was the moment she started being their fan).

In her romance, she'd be pretty tough on MC but not out of malice. She has seen how rough the acting world can be and while the gang provides helpful advice, she brings out the harsher criticism. Like how MC's body language isn't portraying right or how they're too casual instead of awkward for a scene about discomfort, little stuff like that. But on rough days, like if MC mess up big time, she'd stay near them and just be that comforting presence before passing a coffee can to MC, a silent way of cheering them up.

Bonus

Sylphina: MC's manager who got roped into the role because the director saw how she behaves with MC and just went "You'll do!" She didn't want to at first, but ended up relenting at MC's request.

Ben: One of the most well-known actors in the industry, a very A-list actor. Is probably the one who dragged recruited MC into the acting business, especially having them join the same agency as zim.

Thank you for the ask, anon!

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - The Sign is Slaying

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top. Happy new year, BLabies!

Jan 2024 Wk 2

Ongoing Series - Thai

The Sign (Sat YT) ep 8 of 12 - Tharn in Phaya’s too big clothing is the cutest thing in the world.

I gotta to say something about Babe's acting really quickly. I love the way he’s inhabiting the personality of his naga character with reptilian eye and body movements and (I don’t know how to put this) a certain reserved, elegant, slithering- ness. He's very good this new boy of ours. (He come from something physical like dance?)

I adored them doing the walk of shame and being teased.

ALSO I enjoyed the way they handled Tharn’s gender in the past with his costume (the pha chung hang is gender neutral but that green top is a kinda combo m+f) and pronouns et al.

Language corner:

They are using ancient pronouns. I *think* I heard: daow (3rd), khun/jao/tan (2nd), kaa (Ist) - all pronouns in use are gender neutral - to the best of my understanding.

Last Twilight (Fri YT) ep 10 of 12 - Ooo. Day comes out to fam. Also his maa legit took his phone away and said

“I don’t mind you being gay but you can’t date a poor.”

Still, these 2 do kind of make the best secret boyfriends ever.

Also I begin to love Night: “that’s my baby” indeed. You special ain’t ya?

For Him (Thurs iQIYI) ep 7 of 12 -  I’m starting to find this pretty boring at this juncture. Bummer, because for a while I was enjoying it.

Twins the series (Fri GaGa) ep 11 of 12 - The stuff with the spy on the team is super boring. I’m not wild about the side characters either. So most of this episode was a bust for me. I did like First’s ex. 

Pit Babe (Fri iQIYI) ep 9 of 14 - Charlie & Babe = honeymoon phase. Jeff & Kim = forgotten. Pete & Way = riddles wrapped in alphas but actually enigmas. Everyone else = gang bang phase…. Apparently. Trash watch happening here.

Cooking Crush (Sun YT) ep 6 of 12 - Loved that this was a mutual kiss. (Also how comfortable are OffGunn kissing now? Babies!) I’ve moved from indifference to absolute loathing of the side couple tho.

Oddball LIES from the script = the gayest bridge in Bangkok isn’t lit up after 9pm.

Meanwhile, very important kicky kicky feet and Doc is a dork about flirting now that he’s all in. Looks like we get the official boyfriend ep next week.  

You and My Stars YT 2of 2(?) - Couldn’t find it. Not fussed. 

Time the series (Thai Gaga) ep 1 of 10 - Okay so there’s a gang and someone named Chris is killed and his boyfriend, actor Foam, is jumped back in time to save him? NO SINGING. Between Chris’s death and that time-slip there’s some kind of accidental murder, a pink pocket watch, Chris being alive again but also a different person, and a make out scene. Are you also confused? Actually, the real question is: Do we continue watching? Remember we (the collective BLorg) do not trust MFlow. 

My Universe (Sun iQIYI) ep 21 of 24 - The acting has been pretty terrible all along with this series, but this one is the worst. I just can’t. I may tune in for the last installment but this one is a DNF for me. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Although I Love You and You AKA Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yaro ka (Japan Gaga) ep 1 of 10 - It’s utterly adorable. Very manga, but so far not grating on my nerves. They so cute! You know I adore a hyung romance. Add a v gay sauna scene and an OUT gay boy and just... YES. All the married breeder regulars being overly invested in their pretty cook’s queer drama queening, it's so good.

AND THEN a confession in the first episode? Japan sure loves to mess with the pacing of plots drops.

Also, how much do I want to eat every single piece  of food in this darn show? 

Sahara-sensei to Toki-kun (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 5 of 8 - Man I wish this were better I enjoyed this more. Sigh. I do LOVE the stepbrother sides. Of course I do. But how can this feature 2 of my favorite relationship types (age gap, stepbrothers) and not be my favorite BL airing? Japan, how do you ALWAYS do this to me? 

VIP Only (Taiwan Fri Gaga) ep 9 of 10 - I don’t know. I just wish this were better. Also shorter.

I really miss KBL right now.

It's done I Need to Catch up

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps - will binge when I have a spare day.

The Servant and the Young Master - from Veitnam so I assume it's on YouTube. I never even noticed. Anyone?

After Sundown - aired on Netflix Thailand. No word on inter release.

It's Airing But...

[INTERNATIONAL] Cherry Magic (Sat YouTube) ep 3 of 12 - yeah Japan put the smack down on our boys. Sadness. You can use a VPN if you like. Read all about it here.

Ossans Love Season 2 (Japan Gaga) - 5 years later, will anything have changed? This is Japan so… probubly not. I won't be watching this. I disliked Season one and actively hated the follow ups. No thank you.

Playboyy (Thurs Gaga) 14 eps - Dear Playboyy, it's not you, it’s me… I hate you. You’re about as deep (and as palatable) as a shot glass of cum. While I'm sure you’re someone’s kink, you're my weakest link. Goodbye. I DNFed this at ep 5. Frankly I'm impressed with myself for getting that far.

Night Dream (Sat YT) 6 eps - It’s a pain to track down and I really didn’t like the first episode so… DNF  

The Whisperer (Sun ????) 10 eps - Thai horror BL that ALSO involves cheating (what joy is mine). I don't think even the perfect single dimple can motivate me to watch. Word is... it's terrible.

7 Days Before Valentine (Weds WeTV) 10 eps - Giving me Luminous Solution vibes. I'm waiting to binge if safe.

Dead Friend Forever (Thai Sat iQIYI) - horror, meh, tell me if it's worth my time?

In Case You Missed it

All my year-end round ups:

TOP 10 BL Trends of 2023

Top 10 BL Secondary Pairs of 2023

2023 BLs Best Trope Execution Awards! TOP 10

BL 2023's Best:

Back Hugs Thailand & Elsewhere

Cute Bits of Domesticity

Boys Feeding Boys

BOOP!

Best Cuddles

Heads in Laps

Touching Head Touches

Thailand Put His Head on Your Shoulder

Put Your Head on My Shoulder (not Thailand)

BEST KISSES (not Thailand)

BEST KISSES FROM THAILAND

All the BLs Announced for 2023 that didn't happen

Next Week Looks Like This

More Coming Jan 2024

Beside You (Thai YouTube)

1/24 Love For Love's Sake (Korea Gaga)- based on the Manhwa ‘Love Supremacy Zone’ by Hwacha. A young man is dropped into a game based off a novel he loves. His mission is to make another player, YeoWoon happy. But then the game starts unfolding completely different from the novel.

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Why are the oversized flappy flappy sleeves so adorable? (The Sign)

Pit Babe

Frankly 2024 is starting on a whimper... mostly from Babe.

(Last week)

[tathrin]

Gonna rant a bit, feel free to skip. I just have to say this to someone, even if it's just the empty void of the internet lol.

So, Rings of Power Season Two. I'm quite enjoying their Annatar, and the way they've wrought his influences on Eregion's people (even if it is all very truncated and consequently without any real subtlety haha), and the Celebrimbor-pulls-a-Maedhros moment was utterly fantastic. 10/10 screaming on the couch, no notes.

But ughhh I wish Celebrimbor looked like Celebrimbor.

By which I mean, I wish he looked at least a little bit like Fëanor.

Instead he looks more like Bilbo than anything else. I look at this dude and I don't see somebody who seems like they're on the brink of getting caught-up in a massive forging project or about to start spouting some epic song he learned in the First Age; I see someone who looks like he wants to pour me a cup of tea and settle down by the fireside to tell me a pleasant little story.

Which is a lovely vibe, but not very Celebrimbor-ish imo.

(Actually the lack of elves-being-elf-like overall is one of my biggest irritants with this show. And yes I will forever be irritated over the stupid hair, but right now I'm talking mainly body language. Some of them are doing it—Galadriel, Arondir, Gil-galad, etc—but for the most part, the elves just move and act like people. Normal, everyday, ordinary human people. Having Sauron around being Annatar instead of doing his Halbrand thing highlights this even more in the second season, because he's acting so delightfully not-human with the way he moves and stands and emotes that their basic total-human-ness is all the more glaring in contrast.)

Where is your vaguely-ethereal grace, your strangely light posture, your ancient-being aura? When you stand still do it like you've got a presence! When you walk give me some spring, or some glide, or something! Put your shoulders back, raise your toes, hold your arms with some deliberation! Do something. Orlando Bloom didn't put all that work into [cat] body-language to have y'all turn around and just move like normal folks.

But I digress.

Back to Celebrimbor! This guy is supposed to evoke the memory of Fëanor, an elf driven by so much fire and passion that he spat in Morgoth's face and nearly set the whole world to ruins in his wrath. And instead they designed his look and attitude to be "friendly non-threatening uncle" I guess? What were they thinking?

I know we don't know much about Celebrimbor as a person, and lots of different interpretations are valid; but come on. They could have given us SOME sort of fire to him, surely!

Where is the Celebrimbor who is always chaffing for more, to prove himself worthy of his lineage? Where is the Celebrimbor who has spent centuries swallowing shame over the blood on his family's hands? Where is the Celebrimbor who refuses to be ashamed, and instead flaunts the Star of his House proudly right there on Durin's Door? Where is the Celebrimbor so passionate about his craft that he'll walk through the distrust of Doriath to befriend dwarves again? Where is the Celebrimbor who is afraid of his own power and passion, having seen where those things led his forebears? Where is the Celebrimbor determined to prove himself equal to Fëanor and Curufin; or even their better? Where is the Celebrimbor who wants, so badly, to make the world better that he ends up falling headfirst into Annatar's schemes like a silmaril scorching the hand of a kinslayer?

Where is the Celebrimbor who burns so brightly that he'll go to his death with his last secret unspilled?

I think the actor is a good actor, don't get me wrong. And I think he's doing a very good job of playing the character he's been given. (I think Charles Edwards would do a good job playing an elf, too, if this show had bothered to have all their elves be elves, and not just the few whose actors I guess decided to play it that way on their own or something???) I just wish the character they'd given him had been a little bit more Celebrimbor, scion of the House of Fëanor. Both in looks and in attitude.

Seriously why was Benjamin Walker the only male elf in the whole damn first season they managed to put some damn elf-hair on? Why does Celebrimbor have Hobbit curls? I was genuinely so confused when he walked on screen because he looks like a Hobbit! That is Hobbit-styling going on there, you have established that as Hobbit styling, what are you doing costumers???

When I look at Annatar, or Galadriel, or Arondir, etc, I feel like I'm looking at the character. I buy it! I'm on board! I'm invested. When I look at Celebrimbor, I just feel like I'm looking at an actor.

A good one, mind you! His emotional journey has been magnificent. But I still feel like I'm watching an actor perform a role, rather than seeing the actor as the character.

And I really wish it was otherwise.

Because this has been such a delightful surprise of a season, the Eregion bits especially. (Which is not to discount the dwarves, who are my other favorite storyline, but not really on-topic for discussions of elves and elvish-smiths haha.) But whenever I see guy-playing-Celebrimbor, the illusion breaks.

And that's a fucking bummer.

[alwaysmicado]

It's always been you

3.3k words | NSFW 18+ | Dieter Bravo x f!reader

Warnings: angst, age gap (unspecified), swearing, brief mention of p in v sex, brief mention of disordered eating and suicide, mention of black eye, toxic relationship, drug use, reader's coping mechanisms are unhealthy Summary: After a year of dating Dieter Bravo, you are forced to face reality. All good things must come to an end, right? A/N: Nothing is more painful than realizing the person you love is not good for you.

Enjoy the hurt and let me know what you think! I'd love to hear from you! 🖤

“Baby, please just listen to me,” Dieter implores. You huff and shake your head, avoiding his pleading eyes. “It didn’t mean anything. It really didn’t, okay? I- I don’t want her,” you can hear the desperation in his voice. He’s a good actor, you gotta give him that.

“Baby?” He takes a step towards you but knows better than to touch you right know. Even if that’s all he wants to do. Wrapping his strong arms around you, feeling your heartbeat against his chest, inhaling your scent. He says your name softly, his voice laden with anguish. You turn your head a little and your eyes find his. Dieter’s beautiful brown eyes. The eyes you've been losing yourself in for the past year.

“Please just tell me what I can do to fix this and I’ll do it. Anything. Please,” he takes another step towards you and whispers, “I can’t lose you.” Arrogant asshole. The illusion is gone.

You furrow your brow and tilt your head, studying the man in front of you. Dressed in his favorite pair of gray sweatpants, a loose white shirt that accentuates his tan skin, perfectly disheveled hair just screaming to be played with, sad puppy eyes. He looks like always - irritatingly handsome.

Something's off though. His body language, usually relaxed and confident, is teeming with insecurity. You smirk at that thought. Dieter Bravo, enigmatic celebrity and notorious playboy, insecure because of you. What a joke.

“You really think I'm fucking stupid, don't you?” Your voice is steady, every word filled with venom. “Just some silly girl you can use to get your dick wet and feed your ego.” He winces at that. Good. “I know you're used to people bending over backwards for you, blowing smoke up your ass and never saying no to you. But guess what, they don't give a shit about you.” Your face is heating up and you can feel your restraint slipping.

“I'm sure she made you feel really good, Dieter. Like a real star.” You snort sardonically and smirk, “Did you give her the same speech you gave me when we met? How you're this misunderstood guy just trying to get by and find real love?” You look around, shrugging your shoulders mockingly. “Either you're losing your charm or she's just a lot smarter than I am. Would've made everything so much easier if I'd left that first night, too, huh?” 

Dieter huffs, averting his gaze and rubbing the nape of his neck. Your eyes follow the motion of his ringed hand, now clearly seeing the fresh hickey adorning his neck. Mother. Fucker. What the actual fuck is wrong with this man? And what the hell is wrong with you for putting up with his shit for so long? Seriously.

You’re actually very well aware of what's wrong with you, but that doesn’t really help you. Never has, if you’re being honest with yourself.

The hurt inside you becomes unbearable. Your lips start to tremble and you bite back a sob. You’re surprised at the feeling of wet tears running down your hot cheeks. What’s happening with you? You never cry in front of other people - especially not Dieter.

He hates it. Seeing you cry hurts him more than anything you could ever say to him. Unable to see you like this, he starts pacing around the living room, feverishly running his hands through his hair.

“Don’t you dare look away,” you spit out, making him turn around with an exasperated sigh, lifting his gaze to meet yours slowly. He cringes at what he sees in your wet eyes. The harm he's done. The spark in your eyes he loves so much, gone. 

“You ripped my fucking heart out, Dieter,” you sob, tears streaming down your neck. You press both of your hands over your racing heart and claw at your shirt, nails digging into your flesh so hard it hurts.

Dieter reaches out to you, eyes wide, “Baby, I know I fucked up. I'm so-” “Fuck. You,” you shout at him, startling the both of you alike. You've never raised your voice at Dieter, no matter what bullshit he put you through. But you can’t take it anymore. Fuck always being the bigger person. Not like it ever got you anything. 

And did he really just try and say he's fucking sorry?

“You ripped my beating heart out with your bare hands, felt my bleeding flesh in your palms and now you seriously have the fucking audacity to tell me it didn’t mean anything? That you're sorry?” You laugh mirthlessly and wipe your wet cheeks. Dieter swallows hard, Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He has no response. 

Your head hurts and you feel weak despite the adrenaline coursing through your veins. Crying is exhausting. Having your heart stomped on is exhausting. Realizing the man you love will never be good for you is killing you. 

You sit down on the sofa, close your eyes and inhale deeply. Dieter approaches you slowly and sits down on the far end, turning his body towards you, but giving you space.

Eyes closed, head resting on the backrest, you press the heels of your palms onto your eyes. You can hear Dieter's breathing, can smell his cologne. A birthday present from you he's used every day since unwrapping it. You remember that day well.

After the extravagant party with all of Dieter's fake Hollywood friends was finally over, you two went skinny-dipping in his pool. You started splashing water at each other, laughing without a care in the world. At some point, Dieter caught you in his arms, pulling you towards him, hooking your feet behind his back. He looked so happy, his beautiful features illuminated by moonlight. He kissed you slowly, passionately, savoring the taste of your lips. “I love you, you know,”  he murmured, nudging your nose with his. “You're the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. Gonna do it right with you.” And you believed him. How foolish of you.

“It's easier for you like this, isn't it” you note quietly, turning your head to look at Dieter. “What do you mean?” His voice is raspy, brow furrowed in confusion. “Being the bad guy,” you scoff like it's the most obvious thing in the world. “You've convinced yourself that you're a bad person who can never be good and that's why you act the way you do. Makes it easier. You can just point to your shitty behavior and tell yourself that's why people leave you.”

You furrow your brow and shake your head. “Don't you see? It’s you, Dieter. It’s always been you. It’s not the drugs, or the people you fuck, or the shit that happened in your childhood. You're the problem. It’s you.”

You huff and make for the door, in desperate need of fresh air and space.

“You think it's so fucking easy being me. Got it all figured out, huh?” Dieter's agitated voice yanks you back. “You have no fucking idea how it is. Everyone wants a piece of me and as soon as they got what they wanted - drugs, sex, fame - they fucking leave me.” He gets up and closes the distance between you two in a few strides. You don't back away. 

You’ve never needed to be close to him more than right now and it positively kills you that you can’t. You can’t wrap your hands around his waist, press your face into his chest, hold him tight until your heartbeats synchronize. You can’t. Not anymore.  

“You're the only good thing I got and I know I fucked up. I know I'm an asshole and I don't deserve you, but please,” he takes your hands in his, squeezing them gently, “please stay. I was high off my ass and I couldn't tell you her name or what she looked like if you asked me. Please let me fix this.” 

Dieter leans in, leaving barely any room between your bodies. You can feel his breath on your face, feel the heat radiating off his body. His big sad eyes are piercing your soul, pleading with you, desperately seeking to convince you. Nice try. You know this will happen again. Dieter Bravo won't change. Not for you, not for anyone.

You take a deep breath, maintaining eye contact. “I’m not leaving you because you fucked someone else in our bed last night, Dieter. I’m leaving you because you're so convinced you're bad that you won't even try to be better. Not even for me.” 

Hot tears are starting to make their way down your cheeks again. Dieter gives you a sad smile, gently cupping your face with his hands, wiping away the evidence of your sadness with his thumbs. “Please don't cry, baby,” he murmurs. His voice is strained, the corners of his mouth twitching.

You put your trembling hands around his wrists and slowly lower them from your face. “I'm done being just another person who got caught up in the whirlwind that is you and got lost on the way. I can't do it anymore.” 

Before Dieter can say something, you interrupt him by softly pressing your right hand to his chest. His heart is racing. “It felt like you killed me last night,” you deadpan and Dieter’s breath hitches, his eyes going even wider. “I'm so so-” “But you know what?” you look into his eyes intently and shrug, “I’m still here, so I guess I’m not dead.”

“I’ll go on without you,” you nod, a wistful smile playing on your lips. “I’m done, Dee. Finally done.” 

----------

You lean against the front door of Dieter’s mansion, chest heaving, trying to steady your breathing. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Slowly. Over and over. The dull pain in your head gets worse and you suddenly have the overwhelming urge to throw up. You turn around to face the concrete wall and empty your stomach contents onto the ground, trying as much as you can to not get it on your clothes.

Your throat burns, tears are streaming down your face and the throbbing pain in your head is all-consuming. Your vision starts to get blurry and you can hear your blood rushing in your ears - louder and louder - until everything is quiet. Peaceful. 

----------

I’m sorry. I want you to be happy. 

Dieter’s note on the nightstand does nothing to you. Your heart feels numb. 

You see the glass of water and the Advil next to the note. You’re wearing a clean shirt, not the one you were crying and throwing up on a few hours ago. Dieter must have changed you into one of his. Your pants are neatly folded on a lounge chair standing in the corner. Light is flooding the bedroom you've woken up in every morning for the past year. Weird to think it's the last time today.

You sit up too fast and your head pounds violently, so you try and move as slowly and carefully as possible. The pill doesn’t go down easily. Your throat burns and even the tiny gulp of water you need to swallow it feels like someone’s dragging hot knives from your tongue all the way down to your bleeding heart.

Why do you keep doing this to yourself? You know Dieter, you know what to expect from him and you also know yourself. Still, you let yourself believe. Believe that you could be loved. Believe that someone could know you - really know you - and still love you. But it’s always the same. To know you is to love you less.

It’s your fault. Dieter showed you who he was from the beginning and you still let yourself fall for him. You knew better than to open up your bruised heart to him and yet, you did. That was your decision, not his. And the most fucked up thing? You’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Loving Dieter hurt. Badly. But for a brief moment in your life, he showed you that you were capable of loving someone and being loved.

You know he was telling the truth about that. He did love you. Maybe still does. It doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve had your taste of pure happiness and that’s more than most people will ever experience in their life. It’s okay. It was always going to end this way. 

----------

Three months later

It’s hot outside. Too hot. So you usually just stay inside your new apartment after you come home from work. Shutters closed, AC blasting until the sun goes down and you can finally open the windows to let the cool night air inside. 

You’re on your balcony, finishing up your nightly bottle of white wine. You can smell the summer night, hear the hum of cars driving by, people eating and laughing, crickets chirping peacefully. When you close your eyes, you feel a comfortable buzz. This is okay. You’re still here, haven’t jumped off your balcony or slit your wrists. Too final, you think.

You don’t actually want to die, you just want to be as numb as possible. Numb the pain that is simply too unbearable to face fully present. So you drink and you pop Xanax bars and you either don’t eat or stuff yourself so full you throw it all back up.

And you fuck Ben from work.

Turns out he'd had his eyes on you for some time before you went into his office with the goal to get bent over his desk.

Swaying your hips, batting your eyelashes, tracing his arms and shoulders with your fingertips, purring into his ear how you need him to take care of you did the trick. Two minutes after entering the office, Ben was already balls deep inside you. He made you cum on his cock, spilled his seed on your ass and drove you home after. You fucked him again in the parking lot of your apartment complex, riding him until you both were a sticky mess. He didn't ask if he could come upstairs and you didn't offer. “What did I do to deserve you, hm?” he asked when you were both laying in his bed a few days later. You lifted your head from his chest to look at him. He was beaming at you with undisguised admiration. You pressed a soft kiss to his lips and buried your face in his neck. Ben was kind and attentive and handsome - he was everything you could wish for. What a sane person would wish for, anyway. But that wasn't you. And he wasn't Dieter.

You're alone tonight, sitting on your sofa, a glass of wine in your hand. You stare at your phone, index finger hovering over the Instagram icon. You shouldn't be doing this. Really shouldn't. 'Cause every time you do it, you end up crying yourself to sleep despite the alcohol and pills.

Fuck it. You open the app and are greeted with Dieter's face laughing into the camera. He's not alone, as usual. A pretty girl is hugging him and pressing her plump lips to his left cheek. You want to vomit.

He stopped texting and calling you a few weeks ago. Probably got tired of you never replying, you assume. And it's not like there aren't thousands of women out there just waiting to take your place by his side and in his bed. Why would he waste his time on a woman who broke up with him?

You're sure that Ms What's-her-face from his Instagram doesn't nag him about doing too much coke or fucking other women or meeting her parents or starting a fam- You throw your phone across the room and start sobbing violently. Three shots of Whiskey and too many Xanax bars later, you pass out on the sofa.

You stop stalking Dieter's Instagram after that night. You need to get your shit together before you do (even more) irreparable harm to your body and psyche. No more social media, no more alcohol, no more pills, no more Ben. He doesn't make a scene, letting you know that he'd like to stay friends. You know you don't deserve his kindness.

A few quiet weeks go by and you start to feel a bit better, now that you're not treating yourself like complete garbage. You eat well, take walks when the weather's nice and you've started dating a guy you met in the small coffeeshop near your apartment. Life is fine at the moment. You're fine.

----------

Loud knocking on your front door rips you out of deep sleep. You open your eyes in confusion and check your phone. It's 2:26 am. Probably someone coming home drunk and knocking on the wrong door. You wrap yourself in your blanket tightly and close your eyes again.

Another loud knock, now accompanied by a voice saying your name. You grunt and reluctantly get up, wrapping the blanket around your shoulders. You look through the peephole and your heart skips a beat.

“I'm sorry for waking you, babe. Thanks for letting me in, I-” Dieter looks down at his feet, fidgeting with his rings, “I didn't know where else to go.” You hand him a cup of chamomile tea, sitting down beside him on the sofa. “It's okay,” you nod, looking at his face intently. He's wearing his signature sunglasses. You assume it's because he wants to hide the evidence of his excessive drug use.

You both sit in silence for a few minutes before he lifts his head to look at you. He puts his right hand on the cushion between you two, wordlessly communicating his need for your touch. You gently place your left hand over his and move to intertwine your fingers. Dieter's breathing becomes heavier.

“What happened, Dee?” you ask quietly. When he doesn't answer, you move your right hand towards his sunglasses, watching carefully for any signs that he wants you to stop. You take the glasses off slowly and gasp when you see what he was hiding. It wasn't dilated pupils, it was a massive black eye.

You trace the swollen skin under his left eye with your thumb, causing him to wince. “I guess her husband found out?“ you ask with a wry smile, trying to lighten the mood. Dieter chuckles, shaking his head. “I'm sorry,” he says, lifting his gaze to meet yours. You shrug your shoulders, “I already said it's okay you came he-” “That's not what I mean,” he interjects. “I'm sorry for everything, for hurting you. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness and you're better off without me, but I want you to know that I really am sorry.”

And just like that, the heart you've worked so hard on fixing over the past few months breaks all over again.

Tears are silently falling from your cheeks as you lie down on your bed. You're on your side, eyes closed, tears pooling on the pillow when you feel the mattress sink under Dieter's weight. He's removed his jacket and pants, now lying on his side, mirroring you, in his boxers and shirt.

He caresses your cheek and murmurs, “C'mere”. You lay your head on his chest, your right hand resting above his heart. He wraps his arms around you, pulling you closer, kissing the top of your head.

“I do love you, you know,” he murmurs.

“I know.”

[moremaybank]

THIS LOVE (IV) — j.m

pairing actor!jj maybank x actress!reader

chapter summary you're set to turn down your management team's proposal, but a familiar face pops up and changes your decision. the plan is set in motion, and jj begins to move into your house. upon his arrival, you two share a moment that quickly turns sour and drives you away from him further.

warnings luke maybank (bleh), a trip and fall, an almost-kiss, language. let me know if i've missed any! [4.5k]

recommended listening daddy issues by the neighbourhood, nights like this by kehlani

this love — the complete playlist ;; the masterlist ;; the tag list

❝ CHAPTER FOUR ❞

Y/N

You press the lock button on your car keys, hearing the doors click. You make your way through the parking lot of Floyd Management. You’re about to tell Josh and Andrea that you’re saying no. You just can’t imagine having to embark on this journey with someone who left you with so much pain that it drowns out all the good times.

Contrary to what everyone may believe, this was not a rash decision. You chewed on it, going back and forth for days about whether or not you should just suck it up and agree to this fake relationship nonsense for the sake of the movie and the opportunities it might bring you. But then you thought about having to spend most of your time by the side of the man who broke your heart, kissing him and acting as if you’re in love with him. Re-connecting with JJ made your wounds feel so fresh again, and jumping on board with this plan would only add salt. 

And it’d sting.

You’re halfway to the entrance when you hear the voice of someone you never thought you’d have to deal with ever again. 

“Hey, there, sweetheart. You sure have done well for yourself.”

The hairs on the back of your neck rise, and you instantly grow cold. You shut your eyes and take a deep breath, bracing yourself for whatever is about to come.

“What are you doing here, Luke? Shouldn’t you be in prison?” 

Luke rounds your body so he can speak to you face to face. He raises a hand to toy with a strand of your hair but you flinch, backing away immediately and keeping your distance. All he does is laugh softly.

“You’ve definitely grown up. Interested in taking the original Maybank for a spin? Promise I’ll make it worth your while.” His voice drops an octave and it makes your skin crawl.

“You’re disgusting. Get out of my way before I call the cops.”

“What are you gonna tell ‘em, darlin’? That I spoke to you?”

You stay silent, knowing that he’s right. He technically hasn’t done anything, and you’d simply look foolish.

“Why are you here?”

“I’m here for you. I have a proposition for you, actually,” he says. 

“Oh, yeah?” You ask. “And what’s that?”

“I want you to help me take JJ down.”

You scoff. “I’m not helping you with anything.”

“You will if you don’t want me to release that sex tape of his and put an end to his career.”

You want to be surprised, but you aren’t. Luke Maybank has never been one to change or reflect on the mistakes of his past. He usually chooses the route of making more, and they’re always worse. And your sentiments weren’t just based on hearsay. You watched JJ go through all the misery caused by Luke. Had cleaned up the cuts and iced the bruises. Taken him to the hospital when his injuries were more than you could handle. You’d cook meals for him, bring an extra bag of lunch to school. Let him stay at your house when they’d shut off the power, water, and anything else they could thanks to Luke not paying the bills. He was an awful person, through and through, and though you were more than upset at JJ for how he scorned you, it’d never be enough to work with his father. 

“You know, all you ever did was make JJ feel small. You dedicated your life to drugs, alcohol and jail time, and you know what JJ got out of it? A mother who abandoned him thanks to your oh-so charming ways, and a father who did him more harm than good by sticking around. I wouldn’t help you if you were dying on the street,” you spit, shoving past him and trying to enter the building. 

“Then you can kiss your little costar goodbye.”

“Are you coked out right now? Or just delusional? I’m not going to let you do this to him. End of discussion,” you respond. 

“Well, you’d better hope JJ pays me and those girls that hush money. ‘Cause you know I’ll come to collect.”

-

JJ hurt you. The damage he’d done to you was once considered irreparable. It’d taken you years to work through that anger and betrayal and you still weren’t even a hundred percent there. But working with Luke? That was simply a line you’d never cross.

You ride the elevator to Josh’s floor, and once you reach it, you make a dash for the waiting area outside of his office. You spot the blonde you’re desperately in pursuit of instantly.

“I need to talk to you,” you blurt rather loudly. You don’t realize how booming your voice actually is until you realize that everyone else in the room is staring you down with confusion and shock written all over their faces.

JJ gets up from his seat and pulls you gently into a secluded area.“You didn’t need to come all the way down here to turn Josh and Andrea’s proposal down. I get that you don’t want to help me. I mean, why would you after what I did?”

“JJ—”

“No, it’s okay. Seriously, I did it to myself, and—”

You can’t wait any longer. “I saw Luke.”

JJ goes quiet immediately upon hearing those words. He’s so in shock that he doesn’t answer you right away.

“Did— Did you know that he was here?” You question, though you know the answer. You doubt he knew, because if he did, he wouldn’t be as quiet as he is at this moment.

He shakes his head slowly, “Nah…Nah, I didn’t.” He visibly chews on his words before hesitantly speaking again. “Did he…hurt you?”

“No, no. I’m fine. Just in shock.”

He nods. “He say what he wanted?”

You moisten your lips, and your eyes abandon his. “He wants me to work with him…help him destroy your career.”

“Right,” he nods, crossing his arms. “Of course he does.” 

You watch him pace down the hallway, but not too far, holding his head in his hands. 

“Goddamn it!” He bites out. The JJ you used to know would’ve punched through the wall in front of him by now, and you can tell that the current JJ wants to, but he holds himself back. Once he calms himself down a tad, he turns back to you. His steps are large, helping him make his way to you quickly. “Where is he? I’m gonna kill him for going near you, and then I’m gonna kill him again for trying to fuck with my life.”

“JJ, don’t. He’s not worth the energy,” you say, trying to talk him down from the ledge he’s on.

His hands come to rest on your shoulders. “Y/N, he approached you. He could’ve hurt you. And I wasn’t even there to…” he pauses, taking a breath, “to protect you.”

Your eyes dart away from his once again as your body tenses at his touch. He senses your discomfort, and pulls away from you immediately. “Uh,” he clears his throat, “Sorry.”

You shake your head, “No, it’s— it’s fine. You’re shaken up. And understandably so.”

Your eyes cautiously find his again once you find the courage, and you can see that he’s trying not to crumble. You know hearing his name alone is terrorizing, and now that he has to deal with Luke trying to rip away everything he’s ever worked for…your heart hurts.

“I wanna help you.”

JJ’s head instantly shakes, notifying you of his disapproval. “No. I don’t want your pity. I’ll be okay, I’ll figure this shit out. It’s my own fault that I’m in this mess anyway.”

“It’s not pity, JJ. I might not be thrilled to work with you or about what you did, but…I’d never knowingly let Luke hurt you.”

“You…you don’t have to do this.”

“I know I don’t,” you tell him. “I want to. But I need you to understand that this doesn’t make things okay. It’s just about work. Business. It can’t be anything more than that.”

“Well,” he says, proceeding with an immense amount of caution. “Will you at least let me tell you what actually happened that day? It’s tearing me apart, Y/N/N.”

For the first time since you’d seen him again, your heart warms at his use of your childhood nickname. You missed it terribly, and you partially wanted to slap yourself and bring yourself back to reality. You’re scared. He’s starting to make the walls you’ve spent so long putting up crack just by speaking to you and having that ache in those damn blue eyes.

“I’m not…I’m not ready, and I definitely don’t want to rehash everything right before we do this. Let’s just go into this meeting, tell everyone that we’re on board and take things one step at a time.”

“But, Y/N—”

“JJ, please don’t make this any harder for me.”

JJ looks into your eyes, and you hate it, but you both know you’re on the verge of falling apart. “Yeah. All right.”

-

“You know, if you weren’t paying us to do damage control, JJ, I’d say that you were trying to kill me.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Not that I’m his biggest fan, but this isn’t his fault. It’s on Luke. He’s always been selfish like this,” you add, trying to ease the prominent frown lines on Josh’s forehead.

Josh nods, “Yeah, I know. But I just don’t know how we go about this now. I mean, if we pay the hush money, there’s still a ninety-nine percent chance that Luke leaks the tape.”

“Then maybe we release it ourselves, like you and Andrea said,” you suggest. “That way, we can control how the public views it, and Luke won’t be able to hang it over our heads anymore. He’ll have nothing.” 

“Great,” JJ huffs, running both hands through his hair. “Now everyone’s gonna know I’m an ass.”

“Some of us already know that.” You earn a laugh from Josh, and a small smile from JJ to which you return. The both of you know that you’re half-joking, so nothing is taken too seriously. “For real, though. We explain to the media how Luke orchestrated the whole thing. It’s not the perfect solution, but it’s better than them getting to the public first.”

“All right, well, I have to talk to Andrea and get everything sorted out, but we need to get a head start on moving you two in together. My guess is that you’re going to need a few days to get used to being in each other’s lives again, especially if we want the public to believe that you two are in love. Oh, and we need to get a press conference planned so we can release your porno.”

“Can we not call it a porno?” JJ asks, half-heartedly glaring at him.

“It’s funnier that way.” JJ rolls his eyes, and you can’t help but snort. “Andrea and I will ensure that you know what you’re going to say about it.” 

“Nah. I got this. I’ll run it by you guys, but I know what I’m gonna say.” 

While they’re speaking about their upcoming plans, your heart is about to burst right out of your chest, and not in a good or exciting way. Pretending to love someone is one thing, but pretending to be in love with someone who you were enamoured with for over a decade after getting your heart stomped on by them…let’s just say it’s a completely different ball game. Yes, you’d convinced yourself that helping JJ was the right thing to do, mostly because you feared what Luke would do to him if you didn’t. But it’s now dawning on you that this is no longer just about filming a movie. Now you two are going to be watched constantly, even more so if everyone believes that you’re in a relationship. And not only that, but the tabloids will be inserting themselves into it constantly, which will more than likely complicate things. That was proven when JJ made his declaration to the world.

JJ notices the worry flash over your face as your mind wanders. “Hey, are you sure we need to move in together, like, right now? Isn’t it a little soon?” 

“Well it’s not like we can spring you forth into the public when you can barely hold eye contact for a minute. They’ll never believe that you two are together. So, yeah. I’m sure.”

“So…when will this all be happening?” You ask. You aren’t even sure if they can hear you, because you can’t hear yourself. The only thing your ears are picking up on is a high pitched ring brought on by your nerves.

“As soon as possible. I’m thinking by the end of the week. But it all depends on which one of you is fine with moving the other one in.”

Your eyes widen at the possibility of having to move into JJ’s house. You’re sure he has a nice place. It’s not even about that. The thing is, you’re already forcing yourself to go along with this ploy. And now you’re facing the chance of losing the comfort of your home and happy place? 

“We can…we can use mine,” you voice out timidly. 

“No, I can’t let you do that. I’m already dragging you into my mess,” JJ argues, albeit lightly. “I won’t put you out like that.”

“Well, I don’t want to be ripped away from my house and everything I know, JJ. This is already a lot.”

He extends his hand out, like he wants to grab yours and hold it in his they way he used to when he was stressed, but it stutters and falls back into his lap. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” you confirm. “Besides, I have a million rooms in there that I never go into anyway. I’m sure you’ll make good use of them.”

He smiles slightly, “You got a game room?”

You know what he’s referring to, and you can’t help but sport your own tiny grin as well. “Of course I do.”

Flashback - Age 15

Y/N

“So, when you get outta here, and you become a superstar and buy an enormous mansion — which better have a bedroom reserved for me, by the way — what kinda rooms are you gonna put in it?”

You snorted a laugh. “What do you mean?”

He sat up from his place on your couch and rotated his body so that his head fell on your lap. He kicked his feet up on the other side, and looked up at you.

“Like, if I got my own mansion, the first thing I’d put in there is a game room. I’m talkin’ a pool table, a dart board, some arcade-style games like Pac-Man. A PlayStation. I dunno, the possibilities are endless. Oh! And I’d have a chess board for sure.”

You gave him a look, trying not to laugh. “You don’t know how to play chess, J.” 

“Hell nah, I don’t know how to play chess. It’ll make me look smart though.”

You hummed in agreement, letting your fingers run through his hair. You watched his eyes close as he relaxed into your touch. He let out an obnoxious moan when you started to scratch at his scalp lightly, and you smacked his chest with your other hand.

“Weirdo,” you mutter.

JJ simply laughs, before grabbing the same hand you’d whacked him with, holding it in his own. “Have you thought about it yet?”

“Thought about what?”

“What kind of rooms you’re gonna put in your house, dummy.”

You think for a moment. Different ideas float around, but then you land on one that you know you’ll make happen for sure. “Probably an entertainment room. Kinda like yours, but it’ll definitely have a big ass screen and comfy reclining seats like at the movies so I can feel like I’m in a theatre while crying my eyes out over my one millionth rewatch of One Tree Hill. It’ll have a mock concession stand, and a popcorn maker. And a Slurpee machine for good measure.” 

“Nice! I’m totally stealing that idea, just, without the whole crying over One Tree Hill part. ‘M not gonna waste my screen on that snooze-fest.”

“Oh, please. You were practically sobbing when Haley left Nathan to go on tour with Chris,” you mock. 

His eyes shoot open and his teasing smirk drops. “I thought we agreed that we’d never speak of that. I was high.”

“High on Naley, that is.” 

“Whatever.”

End of Flashback

“Then it’s settled,” Josh speaks, cutting you out of your daydream. “JJ, provided that Andrea and Y/N’s team are on-board, you’ll move into her house by Friday.”

Damn. Shit just got real.

JJ

It’s Friday, and JJ is now on his way over to your house in a U-Haul truck. He taps along to the rhythm of what he’s listening to on the radio, some Dua Lipa song that he’s certain is in the Barbie movie (and everyone should refrain from asking him how he knows that). The tapping is more mindless as he tries to settle the anxiety he has over this move. He knows that you’re already stretching yourself thin by agreeing to help him. But offering to let him move in to your house? Between this and his past mistakes, the guilt is starting to boil over.

Once he makes it to your gate, he hesitates for a moment before pressing the buzzer. 

“Who is it?” Your voice questions through the speaker.

“It’s J— ” he stammers, before correcting himself. “JJ.” 

So much for playing it cool. He couldn’t even say his name to you anymore.

“Oh, uh, hold on a sec. I’ll let you in. Just pull into the driveway, my security guy will come and help you.”

“Cool.” 

JJ hears a chime, and instantly, the gates begin to open. He drives through them, slowly pressing on the gas as he takes in the front view of your home. It’s fancy, but modest. A testament to you and your personality. 

Then, a tall man with a rather large build emerges from your front door and signals JJ to pull up to him. 

“You JJ?” He asks.

“Yes, sir.”

“I’m Y/N’s security guard, Dave,” the man speaks, introducing himself. He’s handsome — not that JJ noticed — and definitely more on the quiet side. “Throw the truck in park. I’ll get it unloaded it for you.”

JJ shakes his head. “Nah, man. At least let me give you a hand.”

“It’s all right. It’s easier this way. Go on inside, I’m sure Y/N will give you the grand tour.”

JJ gives Dave a nod, and approaches your doorway. This is it, he thinks. He enters your home, stepping into the foyer and taking a look around from where he’s standing. His eyes immediately land on two grand staircases parallel to each other, with a luxurious chandelier hanging right in the middle of them. It isn’t on, but thanks to the sunshine bleeding through the ceiling-high windows, it sparkles and casts a magical glow into your home. There was art hanging on the walls, sculptures on the front tables, and flowers that add a pop of colour into the monochromatic room. 

But something JJ can’t ignore is the smell wafting in from your kitchen. The unforgettable fragrance of your signature cinnamon rolls fill his nostrils and instantly take him back to much simpler times. He can practically see you now, with your hair clipped back and your World’s Best Baker apron secured behind your neck and your back. You undoubtedly have flour on your face, and your tongue poking out as you concentrate. 

You’d always been so domestic, a feeling that JJ longed to be around when he was younger. It’s nice to re-experience it now, even in his older age. Especially in his older age. He’s been coming home to an empty and quiet house for years now, and he hates it. It’s hard not to let the loneliness get to him.

As if you’re reading his thoughts, you yourself come through the entrance, just like he envisioned. Hair pulled back from your face, your same old apron attached to you (though it had worn a bit over the years), and a swipe of flour on your cheek. When you come directly in front of him, JJ’s tempted to reach out and wipe your cheek for you. Every time he did so when you were younger, the action never failed to pull a shy smile and heated cheeks from you. But now, he fears that you’ll back away and avoid him like the plague if he acts on his internal desires. So he doesn’t.

“Hey, have you been waiting here for long?”

“Nah. Not at all,” JJ assures you. He motions to your cheek, “You got a ‘lil something there.”

He watches you retrieve your phone from your back pocket and swipe to open your camera. Your mesmerizing eyes widen, threatening to pop out of your head as you scramble to scrub the powdery ingredient off of your face.

“Right,” you clear your throat, putting your phone back into your pocket. “So, uh, why don’t I give you a tour. Show you where you’ll be staying?”

“Sure,” JJ agrees.

“Okay, well, follow me.”

You turn around and begin to walk through the foyer. JJ, slightly distracted (okay, more than slightly) by your figure, stalls for a moment before his brain reminds him that he’s supposed to be trailing you. He takes large strides, catching up to you and praying that you didn’t notice. The two of you make your way around the main level, visiting the kitchen, dining room, living area. You show him the backyard, your pool complete with a swim-up bar and a hot tub. He notices that you have a few surfboards lined up against the wall of the change room and he smiles, happy memories of the two of you cruising the waves together back home flooding his mind. And last but not least, you made it to the room he’d been waiting for. Your rec room. 

It’s just as you described when you thought it out all those years ago. A huge screen for movies and TV. Rows of theatre-like reclining chairs. A snack bar with a Slurpee Machine. 

Next, you two focus on the gaming section. A colourful glow casts over the room thanks to the arcade machines, and it evokes a sense of nostalgia for JJ. His eyes light up as they trail over Pacman, Street Fighter 2, Super Mario Bros, Sonic the Hedge Hog, and Mario Kart. But the twinkle in his eyes lights up further when he sees Dance Dance Revolution in the far corner. 

“Hey, remember how we used to dominate at DDR back home? We massacred John B and Pope every time.”

You nod, the recollection of those times pulling at your heart strings. Still, you’re afraid of thinking too deeply on them. “Yeah, well, that was a long time ago. And they aren’t here, so, I doubt it’d be as fun without them.”

JJ gives you an earnest look. “I get it, things are different now. But we live together now, Y/N. I want us to be able to get along. I don’t want us to feel like we have to avoid each other all the time, and I’m also not planning on spending the next couple months arguing with you every day. Maybe…maybe we could have fun. Make this whole arrangement bearable.” 

“JJ, it’s not that simple,” you say. 

He leans in, his voice soft. “I know it won’t magically fix everything, but we can try, right? For both of us?”

You gaze into his eyes, seeing a glimmer of sincerity. Sighing, you reluctantly give in. “Fine, but don’t expect me to go easy on you.”

He smiles triumphantly. “Wouldn’t dream of it, princess.”

The two of you step onto the dance pad, and JJ chooses a song. Slide by Calvin Harris pulsates through the room. Your movements synchronize as you dance, and soon, laughter is spilling out of your mouths and mixing in with the song. JJ can’t help but look at you for a moment, all smiley and happy in his company for the first time in weeks. It’s nice to see you letting loose around him, finally. Unfortunately, things quickly go south when his foot falters, and he stumbles, pulling you down with him. You crash onto the floor in a tangle of limbs, and JJ lands on top of you. 

Your faces are mere inches apart, your breaths mingling. For a fleeting moment, time stands still, and it feels like before. It’s like he’s been transported back to your adolescent years, still best friends and teetering back and forth on the line between best friends and something more. And just when he inches closer, debating on closing the gap between you, you scramble to get up, gently rolling him off of you and making a beeline for the door. 

“Y/N, wait!” He calls after you. He practically has to chase you down the hallway. He reaches out, fingers gently circling your wrist and stopping you from getting any further. “I…I thought we were having fun?”

“Fun?” You ask, your tone seeped with indignation. “JJ, you tried to kiss me! I should’ve known this was all some ploy of yours to get into my pants again. God, I should’ve known better.”

“Wait, what? Y/N, that’s not what this was,” JJ defends. “That whole game thing…I was trying to reconnect with you. I never meant to bring up the past for you and hurt you again.”

Your eyes avoid his, and he knows you’re too scared to look into them. He’d reach out and hold your head in his hands the way he used to, gently force your gaze onto him so you can see his vulnerability, but this isn’t the past. You don’t trust him the way you did before. Hell, you don’t trust him at all. So his hands remain at his sides.  

“I’m willing to try. I’m willing to earn back your trust, to show you that I’ve changed. But you gotta give me a chance. Please, Y/N, just give me a chance.”

You ignore his declaration, and his plea. “I’ll have Dave show you to your room. The bed’s all made up, so you shouldn’t have to do much.” 

JJ watches you walk down the hallway. “Where are you going?”

“Out. I have to get out of here.”

JJ wipes a hand over his face, letting out a sigh of frustration. He was finally getting somewhere with you. Things were looking up. But in a flash, they all went downhill, and now, he’s slowly losing faith. 

Good thing that isn’t going to stop him from fighting.

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[wen-kexing-apologist]

Mommy Dearest

Moonlight Chicken, Ep. 7 is all about parent/child relationships. And I for one could not be more grateful to P'Aof and the other writers, cast, and crew involved in highlighting that. As I've gotten older my appreciation for slice of life style stories has continued to grow, and I think that stems from finding comfort and catharsis in seeing other people portray my reality. Especially when it is treated with empathy and understanding.

Which is why I was so happy to see Li Ming's interactions with his mother this episode. Cause the second they meet face to face, I knew I would be relating hard to Li Ming's feelings towards his mother.

It is vitally, vitally important to me that Jam is introduced in this way. That she is always being shown throughout this entire episode to be kind. She is nice, she is expressing interest in her son, she is cooking for him, she is asking him to come home. Even when she is expressing her thoughts on Li Ming being gay to Jim, ones that are harmful, she is not doing so maliciously. She is allowed to be seen as not inherently evil, and Li Ming is still allowed to feel no love for her.

And this is very important to me specifically because it the way she engages with Li Ming is nearly identical to the way my father is currently trying to engage with me. He's started calling me more, started asking me more questions about my life, started inviting me over for dinner when I'm in town. And the reason why I'm so invested in this scene is because, I recognize the deadness in Li Ming's eyes, we know from later on in the episode that Li Ming isn't sure that he loves his mother, and as a result we have a colder, more stand-offish, and unusually quiet Li Ming. He is not capable of engaging with his mother in a loving way, and it radiates out of him. Before we've had more than ten seconds of a conversation between them, we can already tell that Li Ming is incapable of buying in to her pleasantries.

Even worse for Li Ming, this is a surprise. He did not know she was coming, and now she is here, giving him no time to emotionally or mentally prepare to interact with her.

And this statement speaks volumes to me, probably does to Li Ming too. She didn't come here to see Li Ming, she didn't come here because she missed Li Ming, she came here because her boyfriend was coming here, she just happened to be in town. It's understandable if the expense to travel is a burden, but we know pretty soon after she says this line that she is currently living comfortably.

Crucially, Jam doesn't say this to be cruel, she is not trying to hurt Li Ming. She's just telling him information, but if my father said this to me after an extended time apart, I know I certainly would be thinking of course. of course you only come when it's convenient for you.

Love this line. Because it establishes a fact. Li Ming and Jam do not talk to each other. Li Ming has no idea who Uncle Tong is in relation to his mother.

Li Ming's entire character centers around connection and disconnection. And if his body language wasn't a neon sign in and of itself to the disconnect he has between himself and his mother, everything she has said and continues to say puts further distance between them. "That uncle who took you fishing when you were small," when you were small. She hasn't seen Li Ming in years, she has no idea who he is as a person now, no idea what memories he's made since living in Pattaya. Li Ming is her child, so he will always be a child, and his current likes and interests and memories must surely still be tied to his childhood. Because she only knows Li Ming has he was, before she lost left him

Ok, I know I say this every time, but Fourth is such a good actor, there is so much more darkness and anger in Li Ming than in Gun and I always have to remind myself he's playing both characters. And right here, I want to ask Fourth what Li Ming is feeling. Is he lying or is he telling the truth? Is he scared of what is coming next? He knows what will happen, he knows what is coming. Does he lie about not remembering P'Tong to try to drive the knife in a little? Or does he genuinely not remember and it's a good indication that Jam will have to work very very hard to brighten up the relationship between her and her son?

We love the incredibly human characters that are in this show. Li Ming's mother does actually care about her son's opinion here. She wants him to know that she is thinking of marrying P'Tong. I do genuinely believe that, that she is seeking permission here from Li Ming, regardless of whether P'Tong was the one who suggested it or not.

Zero tolerance for bullshit.

I know Li Ming as a character is very willing and able to call out the injustices he sees, anywhere, anytime, with anyone in any position of power. But God, (sorry this is getting too personal) it feels so satisfying some times to deliver a cut like this to a parent.

Li Ming is still not buying in to it, so Jam is being more intentional about what she is feeling. Jam wants Li Ming's opinion, or...she wants Li Ming to absolve her of some of her guilt and her hesitations and her worries.

ZERO! TOLERANCE! FOR! BULLSHIT!

God. His face in this whole scene is great, so detached from everything, he is giving her as few emotions as possible. It's cold, it's distant, his physicality bears the emotional distance between them. It is so so different from his confrontations with Jim. Someone he is also very clearly willing and able to talk back to. To get punchy with.

When Li Ming is mad at Jim he gets close, as close to him as possible, right up in to his face.

When Jim gives him a command "don't raise your voice at me," "I said stop." it does take a few attempts but Li Ming does listen. Does calm down. Does apologize. And even after his uncle has constantly, sometimes unintentionally, and sometimes for safety, over-stepped Li Ming's boundaries and autonomy, Li Ming still often checks in with Jim. In the confrontation with Heart's parents when Heart runs upstairs, Li Ming looks to Jim (in my mind seeking permission) before he runs up after him.

But crucially, Li Ming trusts Jim, Li Ming loves Jim, Li Ming knows Jim cares about him and as a result, he gives Jim his whole self. He calms himself down when Jim tells him he's crossed the line, he goes to Jim's birthday party, he apologizes to Jim. He tells Jim what is bothering him, and while that often ends in an argument, Li Ming is fully willing to be honest with him.

"If you want me to say it's okay, just say it,"

Jam does not get the same honesty. Whatever he can do to just finish this conversation sooner, he will do. Whatever Jam wants him to say so she can feel better and he can get more distance between them, he will say.

Oh. I can see how easy it would be for Li Ming to fully believe it was P'Tong who actually decided to consider Li Ming's feelings. Not hers.

Straight to the point. Just say what you mean, just tell me what you want, stop dragging this conversation out.

He looks...absolutely the same. No emotion. Closed off. There is no excitement, no hope, no joy. This is not good news to him. This does not change anything between them. This does not make him love his mother more, or make him feel more loved by his mother in return.

"My life is more comfortable now, you know? You're about to graduate from high school. Maybe we can be together again." Now, we all know that Li Ming is not interested in going to college, he wants to leave, to do work and travel. But his mother doesn't know that, we'll get to the sentence immediately following this one in a second but I just...I can't help thinking about whether or not Li Ming would even live at home if he did go to college. How much parenting would she really have to do. How much of a time commitment would she really be putting in?

We know Li Ming has desperately been seeking freedom and understanding. He has found understanding by way of Heart. But the freedom from poverty? He now has that if he goes to live with his Mom. She's living a comfortable life. But he doesn't want it. Because fundamentally, more than anything else, Li Ming wants freedom to make his own choices.

And see, here is the thing. "IF YOU WANT to continue your studies," she's giving him a choice here...technically. But Jim and Li Ming have had this conversation already. Jim and Li Ming have already had this fight. Going back with his mother would not solve any of his problems, and in fact creates more because it separates him from the community he has here.

"Why do you all decide for me? Nobody bothers to ask me first."

Now, in the first place we know there is no way in Hell Li Ming is going back with his mother. There is not a second in this entire interaction that Li Ming even entertains the idea. He does not love his mother, he does not want to live with his mother, his mother has no clue who he even is as a person at this point.

And in the second place, he would be facing the same exact problem he has right now. People aren't asking him what he wants. They aren't treating him like an adult. And yes, as you get older, you realize that people were doing their best, and as you get older you realize that it's difficult to successfully balance when you need to protect or guide young adults and when you need to let them make their own decisions. In the conversation Li Ming has with Jim at the end of Episode 5 after they return home. Jim asks "What if something more serious occurs to [Heart]?" and Li Ming replies with "I never think it would happen," and that is what Jim is trying to shield Li Ming from. And all Li Ming is asking for is to be allowed to learn from those moments.

Okay, tangent over, back to Li Ming and Jam. Where we have seen Li Ming be cold, near dissociative, and definitely detached through most of the conversation with his mother. But this, the lack of autonomy he is constantly facing by his family, is Li Ming's biggest sore spot. And he has been bravely trudging along through a conversation he does not want to be in, where he is being met with just so much kindness that lacks so much understanding of him, that he is ready to be done.

But this is not the reaction his mother is expecting of Li Ming, again, because she hasn't been here for this. We have. Jim has. We know that this is a sore spot, and we know that Li Ming has already been in a very emotionally charged argument about this with his uncle before, and I doubt he really wants to do it again.

"Isn't it good to have options?" because she is confused. Because she doesn't know that Li Ming has chosen his option already. That his choice is to leave. And this question is double edged, though I don't think Jam realizes it. Isn't is good to have options? To have college as a back up if you decide you want to go. To have me as a backup if you are tired of living with Uncle Jim. If you are tired of living here in poverty, in a community that accepts you, in a place where you have friends and you have love and you have connection. You can come back with me to live in a comfortable home, with a man that I don't really want to marry but will anyway, away from all your friends, away from the man that raised you, away from your community.

No wonder Li Ming hits her back immediately with "What do you want me to be happy about first?"

The face of a man who is very much not happy about any of this. "About your breakup with Uncle Sith, about your new boyfriend, or about you being well-off and having a comfortable life, and wanting to take me back with you?"

If anyone can remind me of the timeline with Beam, I would really love to know, because I want to know if Li Ming knew Beam, if Li Ming met Beam. How many people has he lost? How often is his mother breaking up with people? How out of the loop does Li Ming feel?

Babes, you didn't come here for Li Ming at all. The list of reasons you gave for coming to Pattaya, in order:

"P'Tong was in town running errands"

"P'Tong wanted me to ask you if it was okay if he married me,"

"I want to be with you,"

The reason you actually came to Pattaya:

Jim called and asked for a title, and you want to use it to get him to try to help you get your son to move back with you.

The face of a man who is absolutely done compromising his own feelings for his mother's.

And God, okay it is time to talk about Li Ming and eye contact. Because we know he is so so capable of keeping eye contact. When he fights with Jim his eyes are always always right on him. When he's with Heart, he's making as much eye contact as possible.

When he is with Jam, it is completely reversed, he makes eye contact with his mother as little as possible. Physically turning himself away from her at the end here. And she tries to be physically affectionate with him, to show her love for him, but Li Ming does not love his mother, and so he just sits there unable to reciprocate.

Lmao, me when my Dad tries to hug me.

Okay, so I started this whole thing by saying that I was incredibly grateful to this show for making Li Ming's mother kind, and for allowing Li Ming to treat her this way anyway, and for that to be okay. Warning, personal story ahead...when I was sixteen, in a fit of anger, my father said he could live perfectly happily without me, and it did irreparable harm to our already extremely tenuous relationship. The thing that even made me tolerate him was going to college and getting thousands of miles between us. And by the end of college our relationship broke down further, and then even distance couldn't save it. But, my father is incredibly charming and charismatic to the outside world. I do not love my father. And that is something I have never said out loud. Because I feel guilty about it. But, I do not love my father, and unfortunately, that's clear to anyone that sees us interact. Because I am Li Ming in my own situation. I am detached, emotionless, giving the shortest possible replies with no extra information. When my father ends his phone calls with "I love you" I do not say it back, because I can't and because I don't believe him. When my father hugs me, I do not hug him back. When my father invites me to dinner, and his girlfriend is there, I can't shake the feeling that it was her who suggested we all get together in the first place. Or if it wasn't, that he's just trying to show himself off as a good father to impress her.

And from the outside looking in, to strangers who do not know the history that has come between us, the history that has gotten us to that point, I look like the asshole. And it is something that I am painfully aware of. So this scene means a lot to me, because I have not seen this type of relationship between a parent and a child in any media before. Either the parents are great, or the parents are abusive, or the parents have been cut off because they are asking too much of their kids. I haven't seen my relationship to my parent accurately represented, and humanely represented. I do not think that Li Ming is being unfair here, I do not think that he is being cruel. And that brings me such relief.

[smytherines]

Hey, I saw that you were bored, and I am also bored, so have an ask! Your Owen headcanons are great, so I was wondering if you have any about Owen's interest in acting/theatre?

It's one of the things that's really interesting to me about his character, even though it only gets a brief mention in canon.

Sorry if you've answered something like this already!

Ooooooooo this is such a good ask

It's weird, because despite being a hardcore theatre kid myself (I spent ages 8-18 in a community theatre program doing 2 plays and a musical every year), I always tend to see Owen's interest in acting in relation to my autistic Owen headcanon, as allegorical instead of literal acting/theatre.

Although in my experience, masked autistic people make excellent actors because it's what we do all the time anyways- every social interaction is a performance. We finesse ways to deliver lines, body language, tone of voice. I have to physically stop myself from rocking or swaying. I say combinations of words I've memorized from TV, delivered in the style of whatever actor's delivery is most appealing to me. Before I was diagnosed I used to joke that I built my public personality around Lauren Graham's line deliveries in Gilmore Girls. (I also routinely quote that show in social interactions)

It's exhausting, but I can more or less be at a social event for a few hours and seem ~normal~ and then come home and fall apart. The only time I feel like I can really unmask is when I'm totally alone, and the more time I spend with others (even people I love and adore!) The more irritated I get, the more quickly I melt down, the less I'm able to keep up the "I'm totally normal" facade I've constructed.

Obviously I'm 1000% projecting onto this character, but that's kinda how I see Owen and how I write him. I mean he literally is masked for most of the show, the acting, the way he speaks and his body language changing based on who he's around and what he's doing, him putting on personas and playing characters, the specific way he speaks with his hands, the way he seems to fixate on certain interests and ideas and ideological positions, the way they emphasize his interest in details, just so much of that feels familiar to me.

I do think he probably would've enjoyed acting. It saved my life. I wouldn't have survived without learning how to be someone else, someone other people don't immediately reject. For a second I thought maybe he could've been involved in vaudeville as a teenager, like Cary Grant, but vaudeville was on its way out by the early 30s so that doesn't seem likely. He'd be too young for it.

But I imagine he really liked to read plays, even if he didn't necessarily have a way to act or to see theatre as a kid/young adult. I think in the chwm epilogue I wrote about him buying a used copy of Pygmalion (unless I deleted that in editing, I can't remember). I think he probably read a lot and listened to radio plays and listened to BBC News to perfect his respectable posh accent.

I've had a headcanon for awhile now that Curt and Owen used to have sneaky little late night movie dates, because they just both love movies so much. Curt loves the action and the fantasy, the heroics of 1950s cinema, probably westerns, war films, musicals. Owen likes noir, and sci-fi, and british kitchen sink social dramas (those might be a *bit* late for him but the precursors for that), and is fascinated with the mechanics of acting, picking things apart, like he almost sees it as research for their jobs.

That's mostly just because I love classic films from the 30s-60s and now any time I watch something that came out during their time period I find myself wondering how those characters would react to it.

To me, in my little headcanon, Owen Carvour meticulously built this image of the perfect dashing confident charming British spy. And eventually he meets Curt and he trusts Curt, he sees that they have these similar rough edges that they hide with arrogance and vanity, that they are both playing a role. Curt is the first person who more or less experiences the world the way Owen does- filtering out the unacceptable parts of themselves to get by.

Curt is the only person he ever feels safe even partially letting the act drop with. Not all the way, they could never be 100% vulnerable with each other like that. But enough that Owen feels... safe with Curt. Not just about their secret (although yes also that), but Curt is the only person Owen allows to see any vulnerability, any trace of who he really is. It's part of why what Curt does feels like such a betrayal, why Owen can't move past it. Because he had a relative safe harbor, one person on earth he trusted, and it nearly got him killed.

[dilfscvm]

Distracted by Pedro Pascal

Be aware that this One-Shot is not suitable for minor audience, please leave this story if you're below 18+, this fic consists heavy smut, and usage of vulgar language.

The reader is female, and a lot younger than Pedro Pascal.

The picture below is edited by me:>>

༻◊◈◊༺

There's a trending app that you've been wanting to try, since you've heard that your husband-Pedro Pascal-were well known in that app, so you became curious on how and why he's viral.

That was a month where you tried and fulfill your curiosity. You downloaded the app and learned how to do it. Since you're not as famous as your husband, of course at first you didn't have much followers. Let's just say, no one yet knows about you, since pedro wants his relationship for himself.

But of course, he does want to show you off, bring you to public dates, and do more in public. The problem is, you're the only one special person he has that was not exposed in publicity. Everything about him were known by a lot of people, specially fans. They know every detail of pedro has, he doesn't have issues with sharing stuffs about him, however you're the only one whom he doesn't share with.

He rather have you all to himself, than get asked uncomfortable questions by reporters, get your personal space invade by paparazzi's, and most of all got physically and emotionally attack by a fan.

He doesn't mind sharing, but he knows how the people of the world will react when they'd know that he's married. Maybe some will be happy for him, or otherwise, some will bash his beautiful and amazing wife, he doesn't want that to happen.

Today you filmed yet another video, which is you lip sync a song by thee one and only Arctic Monkeys 'I wanna be yours' one of your favorites actually.

Let's just say you're a lot younger than your husband, twenty-eight actually, but still 'looking young and fresh' as pedro compliments you. You act like a teenager, while you think mature. Of course you can be a lot.

The thing is, before you posted a video you show it to your husband, to get approval if you could post it. Well he doesn't mind though, he always tell you that. But you want for him to see it, because you know he won't download the app and watch you.

"Cariño, ven aquí." Baby, come here. You heard pedro calls from the living room. You're at the kitchen, getting some snacks because you two will watch 'scandal' together.

"Paciencia, guapo, the popcorn's almost done." Patience, handsome, the popcorn's almost done. You answered, as you place a two cans of soda in a tray along with the chips as you waited for the popcorn to finish.

"Be quick, cariño, I want to cuddle." it almost sounded like a whine, he's rather touchy and cuddly today. Well you can't blame him, it's raining outside and he doesn't have a work. All's looking perfect.

"Okay, okay coming!" you giggle while putting the popcorn in a bowl. You placed it beside the soda and chip. You carried it both to the living room, where your husband's impatiently waiting for you.

"Here you go, baby." you give him the tray of foods, he set it on the table beside him, as he was about to pull you in, you walk off leaving him pouting at you.

"Heeeeyyy! Dije ven aquí." I said come here. he grunts reaching you. You giggle and get your phone before you come back to him.

"You're being so touchy tonight, what's up, baby?" you sat down beside him a'd he didn't waste anymore time to pull you closer to his chest. Making you more curious about him being attention seeker all day. You look at him, and sees his eyes close. He shook his head 'no'.

"Nothin', just wanna spend all of my free time to be close to you." he said, you only smiled at him and let your body relax against his.

This is what you want. What you longed for. Pedro, just staying with you at your home, while you take care of him. Just to have a simple life. But of course, he's an actor who's very famous and sexy. You can't blame him, he's really good at what he's doing.

"Me gusta mucho esta serie, cariño." I really like this series, honey. Pedro broke the silence as you two focused on the TV series you were watching. You hum in agreement, also nodding your head.

"I agree, Me encanta, Kerry Washington, tanto. Es una buena actriz, debo decir." I love, Kerry Washington, so much. She's a good actress I must say. You agreed. You felt him move making you look at him and he's already looking at you.

"Cariño, mi mano está fría. ¿Puedo ponerlo en tu pecho?" Honey, my hand is cold. Can I put it on your chest? he asks so gentlemanly, yet teasingly. You giggle and nodded at him. He circled his right arm around your waist, before he put his hand inside your shirt to cup your bare breast. You let out a rather shaky breath, feeling his cold fingers gently grip your right breast. "Dios mío, tu pecho se siente tan cálido, mi amor." Oh my God, your breast feels so warm, my love. His breath heaved.

"Eyes on the TV, señor" you smiled at him, and he just chuckle, pretending his friend's not stirring awake.

"Okay, hun." he smiled and leaned down to kiss your lips. You hum against it and return your attention back to the TV. But his hand were working on its on, squeezing your breast softly, while he will gradually play with your nipple in between his pointer finger and thumb, rolling it wetween them. You're actually okay with it, for so long that you've been with him, you become used to it. But still, sometimes you will gasp and sigh when he will tug it a little hard.

A few minutes later you heard your phone pings, means you've got a notification. You grab it to look at the notification. It's your tiktok. Pedro averted his eyes to your phone.

"You're quite popular there, baby. The last time I checked you only have like two-thousand plus followers." he said placing a kiss on your head that were well rested on his shoulder. You chuckled at him shaking your head.

"Yeah, I've gained a lot recently and I don't know why I did." you laugh, checking some comments on your recent upload. "Wow, eleven thousand likes, that's.. A lot." you gasp, can't believe at what you're witnessing.

"Well that is because you're a beautiful woman, exquisite, lovely, attractive, sexy woman." he whisper lowly at you. You look at him with raised eyebrows.

"Sé lo que está haciendo, Sr. Pascal." I know what you're doing, Mr. Pascal. You said with a knowing tone. He chuckle at you, brightening the mood with wide smile that you loved so much.

"No estoy haciendo nada, cariño." I'm not doing anything, baby. He giggles making you giggle also.

"You need to behave, yeah?" you whisper at him, his eyes slowly went to your lips, his smile were fading, you can see his eyes getting much darker.

"¿Qué harías si no me comporte, cariño?" What would you do if I wouldn't behave, baby? He whisper, rather lustful. You shook your head and put a finger on his mouth.

"I want to enjoy the show, babe.." you said.

"I want to enjoy you." he squeezed your breast a little harder making you whimper, your hand went to his handful hand that's squeezing your breast and try to take it off. "Don't try." he warned. You sigh in give up and turn your eyes back at the television, not giving him what he wants. And soon he gave up but kept his hand on your breast, still enjoying your warmth.

Soon after, you started another episode and pedro seems to behaved himself while fondling your breast like a child, but you let him do it anyways. Another ping was heard on your phone and you went to check it. Well you just reached twenty thousand likes!

"Babe, would you like if we record a video together? Promise I won't show your face. People won't notice anyways."

"I need thousand bucks for that, cariño." he teasingly said.

"Hm'kay, if that's what you like." you agreed, pedro laughed and shook his head.

"Solo bromeo, mami, solo quiero que tu apretado coño envuelva mi polla." Just joking, mommy, I only want your tight cunt wrap around my dick. Need laced his voice, you almost let out a whimper at his arousing dirty talks.

"Podemos grabarnos mientras estamos en eso, papi." We can record ourselves while on it, daddy. You know to yourself that you're joking, but it seems like pedro is not in the mood for jokes. List engulfed him.

"With pleasure, Conejita." Bunny. and with that, you're now straddling his lap as he push your panties aside and removes himself from his confines, he aligned your cunt with the tip of his cock before sinking you down on it with a erotic grunt. "Tan jodidamente apretada... ugh shit!" So fucking tight. He moans when you clenched around him, the sounds he's generating making it more harder for you to keep your voice down also. Meanwhile, pedro doesn't care about anyone who might hear him. He moans like a slut, and you fucking loved it.

"Dios mio, por favor, papi! Make me cum with that enormous cock." Oh God, please, daddy! you moaned against his ear, he sucks hard on your collarbone, biting on it as he moans aloud.

"Yeah? Y'like that hm? I know you fucking do, bounce! Bounce on my. DICK!" He yells through his gritted teeth, He can't keep his mouth shut.

"Papi, Y-you need to minimise your voice. The n-neighbours..." you tried to reason but he quickly grab on to your waist and help you fuck him relentlessly.

"'Don't fuckin' care, darling. te arruinaré." I will ruin you. Your eyes rolled back through your closed eyelids as you bounce on his cock. Pedro keeps chanting your name like a spell. He even smiles and tell you how lucky he is to have you bounce on him like his personal whore. Everything he says makes you more and more wet.

"Fuck, baby, I'm gonna cum!" he moans as he threw his head back, you announced that you're as close as he is, and not even a second you're now below him as he pounds on you, rough.

"Shit, fuck AHHH!" and with another thrust you come on his cock, he keeps thrusting until he pumps his milk inside you. Painting your walls with his semen. "Hmfuck.." you smirk while pinching your nipples, watching pedro breathe heavily as his tired eyes look down at you. He slaps your hands aways from your breast before diving in one of them, sucking and nipping it before moving to the other one.

"Gracias mi encantadora, me haces tan jodidamente feliz" Thank you, my lovely, you make me so fucking happy. He murmurs-almost unbearable to hear-between your breast.

"Gracias también, mi amor, te quiero mucho." Thank you too, my love, I love you so much. You smiled down at him, he looks up at you with that cute smile that always drives you crazy. He then leans upwards to give your lips a loving kiss.

"Open your phone, we're too lost pleasuring ourselves that I forgot my promise to you. Go on, I'll just Bury my big head between this sweet neck of yours and No te preocupes, no voy a mostrar mi cara. Y por favor, no expongas demasiada piel tuya. Esto es solo para mi vista. Understood?" Don't worry, I won't show my face. And please don't expose too much skin of yours. This is for my eye sight only. He naughtily smirked at you, which makes you giggle and shook your head.

After choosing a music, you started recording. It's a lipsync video with the music "Can't Remember To Forget You" by Shakira. Only a little part of it though, starting to the 'I rob and I'll kill to...' sentence. And as he said, he only buried his face at your neck while listening to the audio that was playing. He would randomly place kisses on your neck, grunting softly because of your hold on his hair. Ruffling and combing it with your fingers.

"Thank you, love." you kiss his forehead, he smiles weakly, feeling his exhausted eyes getting much heavier as it tries to close.

"You're always welcome, mi amor. I love you." he whispers against your neck, slowly drifting to sleep. You whispered back at him, telling him to sleep. And before you knew it, both of you were deep in slumber.

𝐝𝐢𝐥𝐟𝐬𝐜𝐯𝐦

༻◊◈◊༺

[girl4music]

DomKat’s physical and emotional chemistry: That quick sexy Lift thing that Nicole does with Waverly

This is Part 2 in a meta series in observing how DomKat portray physical and emotional intimacy as WayHaught

These physically intimate bodily responses from the Season 2 episode 'Shed Your Skin' and the Season 4 episode 'Crazy' are likely more improvised on the spot by Kat than choreographed by anyone. Kat portrays Nicole lifting Dom portraying Waverly onto her waist in a playfully dominant action to engage in physical intimacy with her. Not only does this require great chemistry between them but also immense trust as, because it's likely improvised on the spot, there would be no indication to Dom that Kat was going to do that. Having that established trust between them throughout all their intimate scenes would provide them freedom to slip into improvisation where bodily responses are much more immediate and quick than they would be if they were choreographed and have to be remembered. It absolutely still requires acting talent because improvisation is still a performance and all of the best actors always include improvisation in their performances. Especially when performing physical intimacy. 

Lucy Lawless, for example, is very adept at this and this is why I liken Waverly and Nicole to Xena and Gabrielle when it comes to their physical and emotional intimacy. A lot of body language is used to communicate and convey their intentions and emotions in scenes. What it shows most of all to me when Kat does this quick sexy Lift thing is that these two actors are very comfortable with being in each other's personal space. Most probably because their friendship off-screen is just as comfortable and natural and they can play off of each other seamlessly without any kind of direction or choreography. Their body language is at a level where they do not need words to communicate with each other, nor any scripted action or behaviour which is just how it also is with Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor. 

But nevertheless - friendship, no friendship - it still requires talent because improvisation performing is not something just anyone can do. You can ask any dancer or athlete the same and they will tell you what it takes to be able put their mind aside to achieve these feats. Kat Barrell may not be either but she's very good at physical acting and even something as small and simple as this action proves it. Dom's ability to anticipate Kat's bodily response with their own response in that they react to Kat's by immediately jumping into her arms just displays immense trust in their connection as their on-screen characters as well as their off-screen connection as friends. It's really something and likely couldn't be done with anyone else. These two actors share a very special camaraderie with each other that allows them the ease to just go with the flow in their intimate scenes and observing and examining it as closely as I am right now only makes me love their physical and emotional chemistry all the more because I can see how natural and organic it is between them. I have watched so many other physically intimate scenes between other actors where that's not the case at all and it looks incredibly contrived and awkward and you feel like the characters are violating each other’s personal space because they don’t look comfortable at all. The energy between them is off-putting to watch. I never feel that way with either Xena and Gabrielle or Waverly and Nicole because I just see how right it is for them to be together. In actual fact what I'm witnessing is the organic, natural, real chemistry between the actors when performing intimacy in their scenes. While it's true that Lucy and Renee had very little of the physical to portray compared to Kat and Dom, I can still tell that had they been allowed to portray that same level of physical intimacy as their characters, it would be as seamless because of their friendship combined with their talents in improvisation and physical acting.

In other words - I COULD very much see Waverly and Nicole do justice to Xena and Gabrielle cosplay and vice versa because the level of chemistry between Lucy and Renee and Kat and Dom is similar, as is their level of acting talent and ability together as well as individually. I always say there will never be any other WLW ship like Xena and Gabrielle BUT partially the reason why I say that is because of the unique way in which they provided queer representation with them. It had to be carefully written and performed as to appease studio censors prohibiting their physical intimacy as a WLW couple - hence why their emotional intimacy was amped up to the max. That will always be what makes them really stand out as a WLW ship compared to any other ever. But the level of chemistry between Lucy and Renee has been officially achieved in my opinion with Kat and Dom. I see and feel just as much chemistry between Kat and Dom as I do with Lucy and Renee to the point where if they were to be put on a panel together in competition discussing their characters and the intimacy that they portrayed for them, I'd hear much the same answers back from both duos. If anything DomKat would win with actually remembering their scenes because Lucy and Renee have never been the greatest with remembering, and that's fair enough since their show ended a longer time ago and they don't watch and rewatch as fans themselves which DomKat have spoken about doing several times in panels. So, yes, there is a lot of difference but there is a lot of similarity as well. They are both honestly the best representation I've ever seen in portraying very natural and organic intimate WLW ships where it is as real and authentic as it possibly could be in TV art/entertainment at the time.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: It is like Xena and Gabrielle walked so Waverly and Nicole could fly. This is great progression for WLW and queer representation and I will talk more about the similarities between these WLW ships when I move on to the parts of this meta series addressing emotional intimacy because there is really distinctive parallels there that need to be acknowledged on this subject.

[mychlapci]

Episode 6 - Masters & Students

Looking at TFP Starscream is so funny to me because he’s got those big fuck off eyebrows that look literally glued onto his face. I like to think they’re attached via magnetics because that’s the only explanation I have for how silly they look. 

OH BOY I SURE DO LOVE THE FACT THAT THE VEHICONS ARE SHOWN TO BE CAPABLE OF TALKING, ASKING QUESTIONS, AND GENERALLY SHOWING SIGNS OF SENTIENCE. IT SURE DOES FEEL GREAT KNOWING THAT THE AUTOBOTS ARE GOING TO BE KILLING AND RIPPING THEM TO PIECES ON THE REGULAR WHILE SPOUTING OFF ABOUT HOW THEY’RE THE GOOD GUYS. [Obviously these are implications drawn from the fact that the show runners probably weren’t thinking about the vehicons as anything more than canon fodder. But ough, I do not like those implications.]

Also it’s really funny that the show wants me to believe that Starscream is a worse leader when he successfully lead the Decepticons for three years without the Autobots realising that he had several mining operations on Earth. Starscream should’ve been leader for the rest of the series, send tweet. 

That being said, I would like to shove him into a trash compactor. 

God I want to kiss however the hell rigged Starscream’s face, he’s so damn expressive. 

Ratchet is like ‘Babe 🥺aren’t you happy that your former friend is finally dead’ while Optimus is fucking sulking. 

Wwwhuat. I hope Ratchet’s voice actor got paid well. 

“You’re a human Jack, can you build me a small intestine.” Arcee is allowed to be funny, as a treat. 

I love how you can see Bulkhead raising his finger to argue with Ratchet before he puts his hand down and shakes his head in defeat. 

GOD SOUNDWAVE LOOKS SO FUCKING SILLY WITH THAT LITTLE ANTENNAE THING STICKING OUT OF HIS BACK. 

Okay I’m back on my tfp Soundwave hating arc. This time I think I’ve pinpointed why I don’t really enjoy him [design not withstanding] it’s because he has no body language to even remotely influence his personality. He is literally standing there in 99% of his scenes. There’s no movement from him, no indication of what he’s thinking, feeling, or wanting to do. Starscream literally says “What do you mean you can’t pinpoint his signal?!” Which implies that Soundwave is actively communicating with him. But if you look at his model he’s just standing there. There’s no movement of his tentacles, hell his screen doesn’t even flash red to indicate that he hasn’t found Skyquake’s signal. I think with a few bits of body language acting, Soundwave could’ve been a really interesting character. I don’t need him to talk verbally, fuck I don’t even want him to have a noise indicating he’s talking like Bumblebee, I just want him to express literally anything. 

Fuck Optimus is so goddamn big. 

“Unfortunately Megatron’s legacy will live on as others rise to take his place.” You can just say it’s Starscream Optimus, there’s literally nobody else. We see nobody else trying to be leader, it’s just Starscream. [Actually that would’ve been an interesting plot point or story.]

RHRUGH Grandpa Ratchet wants nothing to do with the battlefield, he’s helping them with their science homework. 

AAAAH I DON’T LIKE SOUNDWAVE’S SPINDLY FUCKING FINGERS. PUT THOSE THANGS AWAY MAN

Lord Skyquake is a crusty old man. Yeah I see why Maggot likes him so much. His colour palette is actually really nice, besides Knockout, we don’t see many Decepticons with colours ranging outside of blue, purple, or grey. It’s a good decision to make him so differently coloured from the rest of the cons. Also I think it’s interesting that Optimus says that he hasn’t obtained an altmode yet but we clearly see him with cockpit and wing kibble. Obviously the logical explanation is that the animators really didn’t need an entirely separate model with just the cockpit and wings removed but it is very funny to think about. Also lord he is large. 

Starscream’s inability to gauge which people he should order around continues to astound me. I love him for that. Get fucked you stupid pigeon. 

LMFAO THE WAY HE JUST RUNS ARMS OUTSTRETCHED TOWARDS OPTIMUS. IS HE STUPID?!

I said it in DMS, but I’ll say it here. The real tragedy of knowing that Skyquake is going to get canned is the fact that he has a really interesting and unique colour palette and weapon [machine gun] that distinguishes him from the other cons and they just kill him. What a waste. 

God they have to let Ratchet be in charge, he’s been so cooped up. 

“Soundwave, why aren’t you tracking them?” Maybe he is, though I can’t blame him for not knowing considering Soundwave is just standing there, a-posing. 

Starscream is so dramatic. 

SEE THIS IS WHAT I’M FUCKING TALKING ABOUT. Soundwave repeats Starscream’s voiceline and then releases Laserbeak, that’s a genuine little bit of character driven story telling that Soundwave doesn’t actually trust Starscream. :[ Why couldn’t we get more of that.

They should let Optimus run more people over in his altmode. It’s funny. 

OLD MAN DOWN

The laser eye beams is so funny. Like obviously they have to make sure you know he’s scanning an altmode but it’s so fucking funny. 

Starscream should’ve taken Megatron’s body and then- [The rest of this post has been removed for violating Tumblr’s terms and conditions.]

RIP Skyquake, your colour palette and cool gun were of too much interest for TFP, you had to die. 

Episode 7 - Scrapheap

Slight nitpick that doesn’t matter but oh that opening dialogue from Ratchet is so expositiony. Like yes Bulkhead, who has been alive for several million years, you do not know that exposure to lower temperatures can fuck up your systems. This literally doesn’t matter but I think it’s funny. Obviously it sounds good because it’s Ratchet saying it. 

Ah the bugs. Scraplets are a fun concept I think. Tiny metal eating critters that can terrify even the biggest Cybertronians. 

Ratchet is the biggest hater and I love him for that. He continues to be the best. 

Awwww Optimus saying he’ll bring Raf back a snowball is very cute. 

As someone who lives in the ye old midwest where we regularly get temperatures in the freezing during half of the year, the kids being really excited about the snow always seemed silly to me. Like, it’s just snow lmfao. But I do get it. Though the idea that Raf just spacebridging himself to the arctic circle for a few minutes is something I’ve thought about. Honestly I think we should’ve got more things involving the ability to transport oneself to anywhere in the world. Like Miko going home for a few days. 

The scraplets are just little guys. Small fucking beast. 

Bulkhead’s actor is so fucking good in this episode. 

Also the heat maps that the scraplets see in confuse me sooo much. You’ve got most of the cybertronians heat being centred around their shoulders, legs, and feet. Ratchet’s chassis is almost entirely blue while his upper thigh is red which makes no sense because his engine should be putting out some kind of heat right? Bulkhead’s chin is green while the top of his helm is red and the inside of Bumblebee’s thigh is blue while the top is red. What the fuck is going on with them?

Bulkhead’s war trauma of watching a scraplet eat someone he knows should’ve been touched upon more. 

“Typically I find your fleshiness to be your least engaging quality.” This just in, Ratchet does not find flesh attractive, robofuckers move on, grandpa does not want you. 

Once again Bulkhead’s VA does a fantastic job!

They’re eating him alive. Tragic and terrible day for Grandpa. 

It’s still so fucking funny that they picked the b-plot to be Optimus and Arcee freezing to death. Like it provides for some really sweet moments, particularly when Optimus goes to hold Arcee’s hand but it’s still really funny. Like yeah Ratchet, Bumblebee, and Bulkhead are all getting eaten alive and meanwhile Optimus fucking Prime is freezing his tits off. 

OUGH SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO WAS EXPECTING THESE!!! my cat died and i had so much school work and my life has been a mess. but yeahg, have some tfp reviews :] also maggot you are following my main if you ever wanna yap about skyquake to me! if you say yes i'll come off anon and dm you via tumblr.

-burnt ice anon

oh god, sorry for your cat, and good luck with school! it's okay, now we're here and it's time to talk about tfp.

to be honest, you're the first and only tfp Soundwave hated i've ever met (or seen) and even though i have no beef with tfp Soundwave you have actually have a very refreshing point of view. i mean, i always thought that him just standing there is just what he does but now that i think about it i'm like YEAH he should've been a bit more expressive. like, when he uses snippets of Starscream's voice, or that scene where they want to pull the plug on Megs and he just bluntly points to the screen tracing his brain waves, i think since he's a silent character, more stiff and creepy movements would have done him some justice.

once again, happy that Skyquake has been received in a positive way. The way he runs out at Optimus with his arms out flailing is so funny. No thought, he's just fucking mad. And you know, I never realized, but it's kind of odd they don't have any alt-modes until they scan an earth vehicle. like, why wouldn't they? maybe they had to deactivate their tcog for the stasis? i guess that's some scifi bullshit that could explain it.

Also if you wish to discuss Starscream doing anything at all to Megatron's corpse, anything at all, i have some thoughts. i've got thoughts. and a fanfic link i discovered recently.

anyways, the heat maps in the scraplet episode are So funny to me now that you pointed it out. they make no sense at all. it's a really funny episode overall. despite the fact that it's about bots getting eaten alive.

[shelaghdette]

theory: trixie franklin is a lesbian

alright, this one may prove slightly controversial, but please bear with me! i've always taken the view that trixie is bi, but thinking about it more, i've come to a different conclusion.

glossary -

wlw - woman loving women, a blanket term for any woman who is attracted to women.

sapphic - another blanket term for femmes who are attracted to femmes, arguably more inclusive than wlw - here used interchangeably with the above.

lesbian - a woman or femme who is exclusively attracted to other women or femmes.

bisexual - a person who is attracted to two or more genders.

a note on compulsory heterosexuality -

before you read this, if you don't already, it's probably best to understand the concept of compulsory heterosexuality, or comphet.

this is when societies (like most in the world, even in the modern day) enforce the normalisation of heterosexual love and relationships, to the point that lgbt people feel pushed towards straight-passing relationships when they may be happier in a queer relationship.

comphet applies to all genders and queer sexualities, but today i'm going to be discussing it specifically in the context that it impacts lesbian women.

relationships with women -

full disclosure - i am a trixadette shipper (i think i might've even invented the ship). i have analysed quite a number of scenes from the first two seasons where trixie and sister bernadette interact, and there doesn't appear to be much in the way of heterosexual explanation for their behaviour towards each other. that in itself deserves its own post, and will get one in due course.

my theory that trixie is attracted to women mostly stems from her interactions with sister bernadette, and later shelagh. there are a few longing looks, some flirtatious body language and just a general air of gals who are a bit more than pals.

however, aside from this, trixie never appears happier than when she interacts with other women. she seems to gain the most fulfilment from her relationships with her female friends, far more than she does with the men in her life. barbara and valerie are prime examples of this.

prior to realisation of being sapphic, it's very common for wlw to experience intense attachment and deep love for female friends. this can truly be just platonic, or it can be a crush that is so repressed that it presents as overwhelming platonic love.

"attraction" to men -

ever since the first season, trixie has been presented as the "boy crazy" girl. she often talks about men, but if you actually watch her behaviour, she rarely pursues any particular man. additionally, closeted queer people may often overcompensate for their insecure identities by putting forward a highly straight image.

it's extremely common for lesbians who are experiencing comphet to fantasise about an abstract concept of a relationship with a man, but not have much idea of WHO that man might be. in the early seasons, when she DOES pursue a man, it is with an ulterior motive (getting that actor to be a judge for the baby show) and it ends disastrously for her.

when she does eventually get into relationships with men, it is because they pursue her. it happened with all three of her relationships we've seen on the show - tom, christopher and matthew. i do not personally think trixie showed any interest in them prior to them showing interest in her, but YMMV.

image consciousness

it's very telling that, during her AA meetings, trixie speaks at length about her ability to put on a show to please others around her. obviously, she talks about this in the context of placating her mentally ill and alcoholic father, but this skill from childhood has been highly transferable to her adult life too.

trixie is extremely good at putting on a front and looking well put together, even during her worst moments. when she was relapsing, she hid it well until her secret was unwittingly revealed to phyllis by a patient. the girl can lie and lie, but it's all a defense mechanism.

trixie clearly struggles with a view that she must be seen as perfect at all times. it's easy to see how, if she was a lesbian, this would not fit into the image she tries to display to others. i believe that part of her striving for perfection includes wanting a relationship with a man. this leads me into my next point.

cultural context

it probably goes without saying, but the 1960s was not an easy time to be a sapphic woman, especially if you weren't attracted to men. we just need to look at the story of patsy and delia to see how the show acknowledges this. comphet is still a problem we face today, in the year of our lord 2024, but it was absolutely rampant in those days. female lgbt behaviour was never criminalised like male homosexual acts, but it was harshly viewed. wlw faced a lot of the same challenges as mlm, as well as their own unique struggles when homophobia is coupled with misogyny.

marriage to a man and child-bearing were still considered the most important things a woman could do in that era. and by the time trixie gets into a relationship with matthew, she is approaching her mid-30s. in that time, trixie would have already been considered "on the shelf." the show really implies this by her becoming a lot more focused on her search for a husband in later series, like when she joins the marriage bureau.

relationships with men

i won't say much about tom, but trixie makes no bones about it when she told him he and barbara are much better suited. there's a real notion that trixie feels out of place in her relationship with tom, and ultimately she breaks it off when she realises she couldn't be happy with him in the long term.

this continues into her relationship with christopher. i really like christopher, and i think trixie does too. by far, he is the person who treats her the nicest out of the three men she has had major relationships with. however, even then, she doesn't seem entirely comfortable, and breaks it off when she fears how intimate the relationship has become. i think the situation with alexandra is mostly an excuse for her fear of commitment to a man.

i also want to talk about sex (minors, cover your ears) when i mention christopher. he's the first man she is ever implied to have slept with, and she agonised over it for a very long time before she makes the decision to do it. some people read this as her being asexual (which she still could be, even as a lesbian!), or just "proper" for the era, but opinions vary. i view it as her having no sexual attraction to MEN.

finally, matthew. oh, matthew. he makes me so very angry.

matthew and trixie essentially traumabonded over the death of his first wife, and she is a good supportive presence to him raising his son in her capacity as a midwife. i think the convenience of him showing interest in her, coupled with her recent anxiety about find a partner, created the situation where they eventually married.

and she still isn't happy. when the new pupil midwives arrive and trixie hears them having fun with nancy, she looks really sad and lost, and my heart just breaks for her. it's a sign that she regrets leaving the lifestyle she loves for a life of domestic "bliss".

when they had their argument about trixie's work, it's very telling that her immediate response was to retreat back to her safe place of nonnatus house for half the week. trixie feels the most secure when she is among women, this is shown time and time again.

this was super long winded and possibly a ramble, but these are my thoughts on her. if you made it to the end, here's my favourite happy video edit of trixie and shelagh. i'll probably make a whole post about why i ship them next.

[agent-calivide]

🎙️ and ✈️ for the ask game!!

✈️ Give a shout out to a fan artist / fic writer / etc. in the fandom that you appreciate!

Oh boy, get ready for a list.

@/lunacornfan2k24 has their AMAZING Celebrity Crush series that actually kicked off fanfic writing for the IEYTD fandom as a whole and holds up as one of my favorite fanfics I've ever read! All of the OC's are so fun, so real, and feel like they'd just be IEYTD characters in game!

@/rojaceartandgaming is the creator of Jackson "Agent Phoenix" Winters and has such a fun story going with his Out of the Ashes and Into the Flames fics! He's got such a strong personality and his rivalry with Juniper because they're both actors is such a fun twist! And that's not even touching on his other OC's, I Want To Punt Them! /pos

@/lavalampstealer has a super unique, silhouette style that I absolutely live for! They were a major art inspiration of mine and I get so excited whenever they're back in the fandom! I may or may not have stolen their idea of Kinesium making the agents glow (if I recall right?) and all around Cyan showing up on my dash always delights me!

@/neurotonic has such a strong artstyle with sharp shapes and bright colors and HOW ARE YOU SO CREATIVE??? Every art piece that comes from her is so neat, the body language, the expressions, I could ramble forever about how cool his art alone is, and then the OC's??? God tier, wanna be friends Black Mamba but I know they'd probs kill me.

@/an-asexual-idiot is another really cool artist that I'm always excited to see from! She's making the jump from Insta to Tumblr, so her blog's a bit empty, but her work is always so polished and detailed and I love seeing Gibson getting the attention he deserves. I am amazed by her backgrounds and would commit crimes to draw Juniper half as well as she does.

@/definitelyunhingedagentphoenix has hilarious incorrect quotes compilations that are always just the right amount of feral and is always feeding back into the fandom whenever I see their posts! It's a delight to see a string of them RPing out Phoenix getting into a problem or needing a loving family based on one meme post!

@/wyvchard is an awesome writer who does some pretty fun, pretty painful works! I'm living for their interpretation of Radio Host Phoenix, and their angst just hits different ngl- I've also gotten some of my favorite comments on Ao3 from them, they always put so much thought into them and make my work feel so appreciated in such a genuine way!

@/purplebehittindifferent AGH her COMICS. They're so pretty, they always melt my heart, and I am just thrilled to see them on my dash! The found family, the gremlin-y Phoenix, mom and dad Prism and Crane, the hurt comfort I LOVE them!!! They're so pretty and silly and sad and it's always neat seeing her work!

I could go on, this whole fandom is so gaddamn talented and we'd be here all night-

🎙️ What’s your favourite (used or unused) voice line in the games?

That's a hard one- honestly there's a few.

Again, obvious answer is obvious, "Oh, don't get any ideas, you're not going anywhere. As a matter of faaact~, you and I are gonna have a little chat" Is beautiful work from both voice actors and still gives me chills to this day!

But I also really like basically all of Zor's dialogue in KBOOM. "Ah, the creator and her creation working together..." "So you fooled Prism into believing in you... Well, even the great Phoenix will one day burn out..." "A bit late for that. And it seems Prism didn't die in the explosion at her factory either..."

Zor just scares me and I love them for it. The slightly patronizing edge, the condescension, the amusement. Zor feels so in control the whole time, and when they lose that control their mask only ever so slightly slips.

"Believe me when I say there's nothing worth saving at the agency... I would know.

IT'S SO GOOD