#the “I've been defining myself by this crush for years and now i have to be someone else”

[grandfangarbagechan]

[iwanthermidnightz]

When I think back on the Speak Now album, I get a lump in my throat. I have a feeling it will always be that way, because this period of time was so vibrantly aglow with the last light of the setting sun of my childhood. I made this album, completely self-written, between the ages of 18 and 20. I've spoken about how I feel like those ages are the most emotionally turbulent ones in a persons life. Maybe when I say that, I'm really just talking about myself.

I think they might just be the most idealistic, hopeful years too. At this point in my life, I had released my second album, Fearless. It became the breakthrough moment I'd always dreamt of, one that catapulted my career to new realms of success. It had brought with it a tidal wave of pressures and pitfalls and growing pains. All the while, I was encountering the milestones and checkpoints of normal teenage growth. I had cataclysmic crushes and brushes with heartache. I moved out of my parents' house and set my bags down in a new apartment. I hung photos on my own walls and decorated the space where I would sob and cackle and shatter and dream. Sometimes I felt like a grown up, but a lot of the time I just wanted to time travel back to my childhood bed, where my mom would read stories to me until I fell asleep.

In my darker moments, I was tormented by the doubt that swirled loudly around my ascent and my merits as an artist. I was trying to create a follow up to the most awarded country album in history, while staring directly into the face of intense criticism. I had been widely and publicly slammed for my singing voice and was first encountering the infuriating question that is unfortunately still lobbed at me to this day: does she really write her songs? Spoiler alert: I really, really do.

In the years since, I've developed a thicker skin about public criticism and the cynicism with which some people approach the music I make. At that time, it leveled me. I had these voices in my head telling me that I had the perfect chance and I blew it. I hadn’t been good enough. I had given it all I had and been found wanting.

I wanted to get better, to challenge myself, and to build on my skills as a writer, an artist, and a performer. I didn't want to just be handed respect and acceptance in my field. I wanted to earn it. To try and confront these demons, I underwent extensive vocal training and made a decision that would completely define this album: I decided I would write it entirely on my own. I figured, they couldn't give all the credit to my cowriters if there weren't any. But that posed a new challenge: It really had to be good. If it wasn't, I would be proving my critics right.

I had no idea how much this pain would shape me. That this was the beginning of my series of creative choices made by reacting to setbacks with defiance. That my stubbornness in the face of doubters and dissenters would become my coping mechanism through my entire career from that point forward. This exact pattern of enacting my own form of rebellion when I feel broken is exactly why you're reading these very words, and I'm re-releasing this album now.

I went through my first worldwide scandal (the mic grab seen around the world). I experienced the weirdness of trying to get to know a boy while a swarm of paparazzi surrounds the car. Media contacting my publicist for an official statement on why two teenagers broke up. These are weird experiences to have at any age, but even more surreal when you're 19.

I had the nagging sense that in the most intense moments of my life, I had frozen. I had said nothing publicly. I still don't know if it was out of instinct, not wanting to seem impolite, or just overwhelming fear. But I made sure to say it all in these songs. I decided to call the album Speak Now. It was a play on the speak now or forever hold your peace' moment in weddings, but for me it symbolized a chance to respond to the chatter and commentary around my own life.

Some of these emotional revelations were surprising to people. Some expected anger and instead got compassion and empathy with 'Innocent'. Some expected a kiss-off breakup song but instead got a hand-on-heart apology, 'Back to December. It was an album that was the most precious to me because of its vast extremes. It was unfiltered and potent. In my mind, the saddest song I've ever written is 'Last Kiss'. My most scathing is 'Dear John' and my most wistfully romantic is 'Enchanted'.

I'll be forever proud of setting a goal and seeing it through. I'lI always feel shivers all over when I remember singing 'Long Live' to close the show every night on tour. The outstretched hands of those bright and beautiful faces of the fans. Their support was like an open palm that reached out and helped me up off the ground when others were, frankly, mean.

These days I make my choices for those people, the ones who thought I had been good enough all along. I try to speak my mind when I feel strongly, in the moment I feel it. I'm still idealistic and earnest about the music I make, but I'm less crushed when people mock me for it. I know now that one of the bravest things a person can do is create something with unblinking sincerity, to put it all on the line. I still sometimes wish I was a little kid again in a tiny bed, before I ever grew up.

I always looked at this album as my album, and the lump in my throat expands to a quivering voice as I say this. Thanks to you, dear reader, it finally will be.

I consider this music to be, along with your faith in me, the best thing that's ever been mine.

Yours,

Taylor

[avelera]

So remember in season 1, Viktor has visions directly given by the Arcane and that's how he comes up with the idea of the Hexcore - and he also says that "the Arcane speaks through mages". So, even back in season 1, the idea that Viktor has been chosen by the Arcane was already alluded to! He was always on his way to becoming a mage, even before the Hexcore and the merge.

Do you think Jayce subconsciously felt it? Jayce, who was always so fascinated by magic that he was ready to commit suicide rather than live without it, who immediately told Viktor how "beautiful" magic was and then used that very word to describe Viktor himself in season 2 - did he realise that his fascination was always with Viktor in particular, do you think?

Oh man, Anon, there's SO many ways to answer this, where do I begin.

1 ) I wish we got more of what magic means to Jayce, because the tastes we get are so tantalizing and btw, I think the show gave us the right amount, it's for us to explore in fic and stuff after, but the implications are SO JUICY.

I absolutely headcanon (with evidence) that Jayce's evolution into wanting to create Hextech went like this:

Jayce as a kid: I want to be the mage who saved us! Look at my drawing of myself as a mage with a magic HAMMER just like my dad has, as the perfect fusion of everything I want to be when I grow up! :D

Jayce as a teen: I'm crushed to learn I have zero innate magical ability BUT I've still got this hammer and an entire upbringing as a member of a family of tool makers. What if there's a tool out there that would let me be a mage in another way? I will call it HEXTECH!! :D

Jayce as an adult: Now I have a degree, and a patron, and I have to be very careful about letting people know about Hextech because I'm from a city that was founded on a hatred of mages, so it needs to be presented to the world as TECHNOLOGY as meant for the BETTERMENT OF OTHERS. I can't be selfish, I have to draw inspiration from the mage who saved me by making magic about helping others. But deep down, part of me will always be that kid who didn't want to have to unlock magic with technology, who always wanted to just be the mage. Magic was secondary, the Mage was always the true first love, the true inspiration that changed my life, and I have been chasing that high ever since.

2 ) But one reason I wish we had gotten to explore this just a little more (cuz I'm an addict not because it would be a better story) is because I think there's a bit of an inherent tragedy to Jayce always wanting to be the mage and, in the process, falling in love with not one but two people who have the Arcane speaking through them?

Then you can also sort of loop it back around to a rather common queer awakening which is, "Do I want this person or do I want to be them?" and for years, Jayce thinking he wants to be the mage but once he's an adult, realizing part of that feeling was love, that he wants to be with the mage.

(And just to be super duper clear, Viktor rescued Jayce and then bounced out of there, immediately, I see Jayce discovering his feelings for the mage as being like a very early-days moment of inspiration that planted itself in his psyche and then years and years later, when he began to think about things like love for the first time, maybe then part of him realized that what he's mistaken as love for magic or Hextech was always love for the mage who saved him, on some level. I just want to be super duper clear that you can have an awakening moment as a child, something that will later define what you want out of life, without it necessarily being romantic at that point in life because I've seen some people be weird about it and I don't think that's what's happening there even if I think it's an element and now I'm rambling OK MOVING ON)

So Jayce has now canonically been in love with two mages and yeah, I think that is very much playing into my take and what we see in canon, he loves magic, but he loves the mage more, and maybe part of what worked as attraction for him was that he could feel the Arcane in them.

But I also wonder if spending so many years trying to find a practical, technological, scientific way to access magic obscured to Jayce the fact that it WAS magic? Like Viktor is right, they're treating magic like a tool, JAYCE is treating magic like a tool, because he comes from a family of TOOL MAKERS. To expand Hextech, they needed to think like mages. And Viktor is the first one to let the Arcane in, to let the Arcane set the course instead of them trying to bend it to their will (which maaaay have been a bad idea, I think the Arcane is way more complicated than that, yin-and-yang, requiring balance and they were actually meddling with forces they couldn't understand, clearly).

So to go back to your question:

1 ) Jayce thought it was the magic that was beautiful but it was ALWAYS about the Mage for him, and he got a fixation on mages after that which even HE isn't fully aware of.

2 ) I don't think Viktor was always destined to be the Mage, but that's a personal preference, I'm not a big fan of "magic genetics" in general and I vastly prefer systems where magic and fate is a choice. So I actually find it MORE BEAUTIFUL that Viktor becomes the Mage because of Jayce's love, because Jayce brought him in on Hextech, in the cycle of Viktor then taking the magic Jayce gave him to go back and save Jayce and inspire him with magic, like that's so tasty for me. But I also think sure, deep down, there was always a subliminal attraction to the Mage which could have played into Jayce's attraction to the person of Viktor, because they're the same person

[ohwaitimthewriter]

The Memory Keeper

Chapter 6: Cruise

Pairing: Noa x human!reader

Warnings: None!

Summarize: A woman, allowed to live as long as the virus keeps running through her body, living on autopilot for 260 years, is going to see her life takes a new turn, finding hope in something that might come to put an end to her wandering.

Words: 3k+

A/N: Hi there! After all this time, I've decided to post the first part of this chapter. So it's not complete in what I wanted to tell entirely about this chapter. However, I find myself with a rather significant lack of inspiration and motivation, which has been going on for over a month now. I hope that working in this way will enable me to start the rest of this chapter under better conditions.

In the meantime, I hope you'll like this first part!

Enjoy your reading 😊

The Memory Keeper Masterlist / Planet of the apes Masterlist

Gifs credit (1) & (2)

Your brain was about to collapse. Its cogs were running at full speed in an engine flooded by years of letting yourself sink. Reaching the bottom of the ocean and letting yourself be carried along by the sea currents, getting used to seeing nothing but the crushing blackness of the abyss. Getting the engine running again made the rusty nuts creak, and no matter how many times you jabbed the storm-shaken screws with a screwdriver, it felt as if every turn sheared through your temples.

And everything was suddenly too heavy. The weight of your head ended up in the palm of your hands as your fingers desperately tried to cling to the hairline that defined your forehead.

Your cogs floundered in the muddy sand of the seabed that had become your brain. A flooded, clogged and slimy wading pool that struggled to rid itself of the stagnant seaweed that had accumulated until it filtered out the slightest particle of emotion that dared to try and find its way back to the surface. Drowning in your own wading pool. In your own brain, so as not to see the immeasurable extent of the damage inflicted by the tidal wave that had left you shipwrecked.

Shipwrecked. Today, it was difficult to remember when the boat had capsized. Had it happened gradually? As each crew member fell overboard? One after the other. And despite the lifebuoys, despite the rafts, all you could do was watch them sink, helpless as the ocean slowly took what had always belonged to it.

Shipwrecked on a wandering ship, meant to stay afloat despite the shattered hull and torn sails. Sometimes you still wondered why the ocean had chosen never to come and get you. The one that decided to toss you around like a lost buoy in the middle of the blue vastness, the one that made you swallow water at will, knowing full well that salt water couldn't carry you off. The one that dragged you to the open sea with no promise of ever seeing the end of it. Now the ocean was offering you the chance to wash ashore on a white sandbank.

But how do you dock without a captain at the helm?

A broad hand came to rest on your shoulder, engulfing half your shoulder blade, and a few comforting taps pressed against your shoulder.

“How do you know his words?”

Raka. He seemed to have a better grasp of the concept of empathy than did his friend. But you couldn't blame Noa. Even you didn't know how to steer your boat. So to ask a near-stranger to trust you to navigate between waves and sea rocks and reach that sandbank…

And how could you dock without a captain at the helm?

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The world was changing.

And the more you watched it burn away, the more you realized there was no one left. There was no one to tell the story. Radio, TV news, newspapers, books… no one would run them or write them. The human ability to convey an event around the world as we would slip a letter into a mailbox had gone to ashes when the virus had set humanity ablaze.

You no longer knew what the world was becoming, and only its progress could be observed directly through the lens of the camera you'd found in the ruins of a crumbling city center.

There was no one left to hold on to a lost humanity… except you. These history books, these tales of the years that modern society had never had the pleasure of exploring in its own lifetime, but only through the remnants that others recounted - in those historic eras of the birth of societies - were going to be the last. And the world you knew would eventually die in the memories of the few humans who would in turn die out without being able to ensure an offspring.

Only you would be left to remember this humanity. And if you dared to hope that the memories of the apes around you would be passed down through the generations, there was little hope that humans would live on in their memories and the tales you imagined would come to life around the rise of simian societies.

Perhaps that's what prompted you to bring back that camera. A Polaroid you knew would only last a year, or as long as you could find enough to keep it going between the batteries and photo paper it consumed with every click to capture an event, a group of apes fishing, or the sometimes gigantic wooden constructions rising several meters above your head.

Those pictures that were instantly printed would stay. They would tell the story. They would remember the time when humanity had been turned upside down and could not turn back. They would remember the new world that was being built under your admiring gaze. And they wouldn't forget. They wouldn't forget what the world had been, what humans had done and what the world was about to become.

It was important. You couldn't fully imagine how significant it was, but you'd been steeped in history classes and there was something comforting about knowing about a past you'd never witnessed. Perhaps because it was proof… the only proof of the existence of the past.

And if you'd been willing to give up the humanity you'd lived in, you weren't yet ready to forget its existence.

Through the lens, you could see the symbol made from pieces of wood hanging at the entrance to the village. A circle containing the shape of a four-pointed star. The symbol of Caesar, his words and the ideology he embodied. It was the kind of memory one shouldn't forget.

“Why… symbol?”

A sudden jolt.

Your finger pressed the button, completely out of focus on the image you'd just tried to center, and the click was followed by the distinctive sound of a photo printing. Your eyes turned for a second to the owner of the baritone voice as an amused sigh escaped your lips when you saw the blurred picture emerge from the polaroid.

“Because it's important.” You answered casually, a small smile on your face.

Caesar puffed through his nostrils, lips pursed in a brief upward movement as he tried to grasp the interest you had behind every picture you took. He'd seen it all before, thanks to Will. He knew humans liked that sort of thing even if it made no sense to him.

“It's important to remember.”

You went on, again looking into the lens to adjust the image of the symbol. This time, the photo came out clearly and the four-pointed star stood proudly in the center, the angle of the picture making it even more imposing than it was.

Caesar remained silent, his face eternally scowling, but you had a well-trained eye, you spotted a certain curiosity well hidden in the corner of his solemn gaze and you handed him the picture with a big smile.

“Long from now, the apes will be able to remember, thanks to this photo.” You carried on, lowering the camera to observe with your own eyes the life of the apes displayed in front of you.

Caesar listened carefully, and the ridge of his eyes hardened, puzzled by your words.

“Why… keep… the past?”

A very human notion, certainly. What's the point of remembering what yesterday was when today brings everything you need? And you seemed to be asking yourself the same question. Caesar didn't often see you with your eyebrows furrowed, your facial features slightly tense as your eyes sought a suitable answer to give him. Your hand went to the back of your neck to try and soothe the tension in your muscles, and he knew from this simple gesture that you were going to need time to build up a thought that you probably hadn't even considered yet.

You kept this attitude only in those moments when a simple question made you question again everything you were sure of, and Caesar took a certain pride in it. An ape making a human doubt. There was something exhilarating behind this feat. Even if you'd never seemed narrow-minded in your ideas, it was pleasant to see you reflect on a notion that seemed so obvious to you.

Humans were always like that. Sure of themselves and their beliefs. Confident that their values were the best, without questioning for a second their credibility or the nuances that might exist.

Why remember the past? What was the point of knowing about the advent of human societies? The horrors and destructive wars? The great names of men and women who have left their mark on history in one way or another? The great dates, whether of atrocity or freedom?

And beyond human history, and in the more mundane events of everyday life, what was the point of remembering our childhood home? Or that old aunt telling of her travels to the other side of the world? Or that birthday when nobody came?

Your fingers traveled to your wristband, tracing the outlines of the polished bone pieces under Caesar's gaze. If not for this wristband, or this lame hip, what would drive you to remember why Caesar and his kind had taken you under their wings? There was nothing else. Your body had forgotten the torture and pain. There was nothing tangible to prove the existence of abuse apart from that wristband and that hip. The brain was quick enough to forget what was of no use to it or what was too painful to remain in living memory. And if the brain forgot, if there was nothing to remind it to remember, how could one prove the existence of what had been?

And… why should one prove it?

“Because it existed… and… if we forget, how could we do any better?”

Caesar snorted, and you watched his eyes widen dubiously. Had humans done better? He wasn't very knowledgeable about humanity's past, and on second thought, maybe he wasn't interested enough: whatever had been, good or bad today, that's what was important.

“Humans… have they done better?”

Caesar was skeptical, and had every reason to be. On second glance, perhaps humans were doing worse today. The lesson was never learned, and the human was diving headfirst back into his bad habits, making sure to choke on them. This made you smile. His skepticism was right in spite of you, and you even suspected that he knew more about the human species than you did.

“No,” you answered with a giggle. “But apes might.”

There was a glimmer of hope in your eyes. The human cause was lost, and had been for a long time. Even before the virus had spread, humanity had already begun to dig its own grave. Beyond the wars and hatred, the Earth itself was rotting from the inside out under the impact of the human hand. It had only ever been a matter of time before humanity came to the end of its reign.

You weren't even sorry to see your species die out. You were only sorry that it was taking everything else with it.

There was a form of supplication in your eyes. Let the apes do better. Better than wars, better than hatred, better than the destruction of nature, better than the aggressive ambition of some men, better than… the human species in all its consequences.

Caesar raised his head proudly. He was sure of one thing: apes were, in all their consequences, better than humans.

“Apes… don't need… to remember… to do better.”

His gruff voice was adamant, and despite his assurance, a twinge of anxiety settled in the pit of your stomach. How could one do better if no one remembered what had been? You looked up at him, and couldn't help admiring the self-assured features Caesar wore on his face. Broad-shouldered and imposing, his chest puffed out in defiance of anyone who wished to argue with him, what would become of simian society if he were no longer present in the minds of the apes?

You saw it every day. All you had to do was say his name and the apes would bend their backs without batting an eyelid. But none were afraid of him. Caesar had earned the respect of his people because they knew how, thanks to him, they had won their freedom. They respected him and his words, because they remembered.

“In 300 years, don't you want to become the legend of Grumpy Caesar?”

Your gently teasing laugh was greeted by a grumble, probably offended by the nickname you kept harping into his ears, but for the benevolent smile that followed every time, Caesar could never take it the wrong way. It was you, and he'd learned that your words of affection sometimes resembled those teasing words. Those words always followed by a slight, playful shove of the back of your hand against his biceps as your lips stretched happily. He'd also noticed that this was the only time you dared to touch him. And that made him smile.

To become a legend, there was no such thing in the minds of the apes. When his body had breathed the last breath of oxygen that life would grant him, and the sun had decided to stop shining on him, the apes would find another sturdy branch on which to stand. This was how it was meant to be, and his name would become nothing more than the caress of the wind, forgotten once it had gone by.

“Too faraway, apes will forget.”

Caesar preferred to sign these words. Sign language always seemed to have a deeper meaning. When audible words didn't speak loud enough to resonate emotions swallowed up far beneath the ribcage, signs spoke with more truth. A truth that seemed very heavy to you.

The apes will forget. Perhaps that was the truest and saddest thing of all. His name will crumble in the memory of the apes like wood devoured by growing flames. And once the wood has shattered, it will simply lie in a pile of ashes, waiting for the breeze to carry it away and scatter it as it pleases until there's nothing left.

It was his truth. At least, if there was nothing to remind them of him. Your eyes fell on the camera hanging around your neck before settling back on Caesar. He was looking at his people the way he looked at his sons, and if that's all it took to save his name, whether he understood it or not, you'd immortalize the little stones that were building his empire as many times as he'd let you.

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An empire shaped like a ship to endure the years, and when it was the captain's turn to walk the plank to fulfill the ocean's call, the rudder had slipped into your hands. And you accepted it. You knew that sailing against wind and tide would be an arduous task. You knew it. And it seemed to you that you had fought well. Sails wide open to catch as much wind as possible and the remaining crew paddling hard against the pull of fallen anchors. The endeavor had been going on for a long time.

For so long.

For too long.

Every crew member was an anchor desperately dragged along by the ship you were trying to keep afloat until the mainsail gave way. The increasing weight and the fading wind had worn away the fabric until only the tatters floated scattered in the wind. And the boat that had sailed at full speed for so long found itself slowing down… more and more, until the natural swell of the blue vastness became its only driving force.

No matter whether you wanted to go to port or starboard, the ocean pushed the boat in the direction it thought best without ever consulting you, sometimes leading it into storms where the sea grew high above the masts. You often watched helplessly as the huge waves crashed over the deck, washing away the rubble that an earlier storm had caused, and soon, shipwreck would be bound to occur.

How long had you been at the helm before you let go? A rudder that had let you down long before you gave up. And how long had you just watched that rudder go from left to right at the mercy of the ocean without doing anything about it?

You weren’t sure how to act upon it. As natural as it had been in the past, navigating Caesar’s memory again across this ocean had become a mystery.

If time hadn’t run its best sprint, perhaps there would have been a time when explaining would have been easy.

But today…

Today, the sand bank on the horizon might just become a mere illusion.

Your glassy gaze fell on Raka as he watched your fingers run over the frame and brush against Caesar's image. Such a simple question demanded an equally simple answer. But was it really? Telling them that you'd known him would most certainly trigger a cataclysm that would turn your dilapidated ship upside down, and you were already lacking strength at the mere thought of having to put it back afloat. Swimming to the end of an endless journey was not in your plans, even if the countdown to impact was already ticking away in front of your eyes.

Raka's green eyes eventually found yours, and a series of soft hootings encouraged you to speak as you could only swallow as you spoke anxiously.

“ What about you… how do you know them?”

You watched his gaze slide from your eyes to Noa's, who was listening to your conversation with great interest. His curious stare dropped like a domino to the gauntlet on his left hand, and with a precise gesture, Noa pulled out a pendant crafted from what looked like white wood.

A pendant in the shape of…

“The order of Caesar, naturally!” Raka exclaimed as if it was an obvious fact.

A four-pointed star.

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[rahuratna]

Womanhood; Loss

TW: mentions of serious illness and surgery.

Today is Women's Day in my country. Yes, it's a celebration of women. It's also a day for us to pause and reflect on the rampant gender-based violence that plagues our society. It's a day to highlight the achievements of women, but also a day to remember what we achieved in spite of the challenges we face.

It's a day for us to receive colourful and creative cards and messages, maybe even flowers, but also a day for us to wonder whether today will be free of violence, of having to justify our most basic wishes and desires, of having to explain, for the hundredth time, our choices to people who refuse to understand them.

Will I catch a break today? I hope I do.

What makes me a woman? I've thought about that a lot too. I've lost my breasts due to a double mastectomy (with subsequent reconstruction). I've probably lost my ability to have children due to chemotherapy. Many tell me that those things are simply symbolic of being a woman, and they're right. These things don't define my identity. They don't define who I am.

So why? Why was it still so hard for me to deal with losing them? Why did I actually feel like less of a woman when I did not have them? Why was it depressing, soul crushing, even, to lose two mounds flesh and the ability to procreate (which I wasn't that keen on in the first place).

I'd like to step back from the torrent of emotions I felt at that stage, to paddle myself to the safe bank of detachment and watch things unfold from there. I could nod sagely to myself and say, well this is a product of society's conditioning. The media and centuries of literature and art are responsible for the way I feel right now, as if I've been robbed of something, when really, I haven't.

But I can't paddle myself to safety. I can't reach that safe area. I have to stand in the strongest part of the current, feel myself battered, torn, flung in one direction, then the next. I can't run away from the loss and pain I feel.

I began to recognise, after a while, what it was I was truly mourning. I was mourning my loss of choice. My loss of agency. Why had I lost this basic autonomy, to choose to have a child if I wanted to, to choose to pillow a lover's head against the real flesh of my breasts, to go to sleep at night with a feeling of peace, as I once did, without the spectre of my illness hanging over me, something that could return at any time and rob me of even more?

And I'm not alone. There are countless people who feel the same.

I am a woman. I am a human being. I have been lost, many, many times. I have dragged myself out of a darkness that threatens to consume everything I was, everything I am. I will continue to do so. I will scream it to the world, through the clothes I choose to wear, the food I choose to eat, the way I choose to wear my hair, the way I choose to work and support myself, the way I choose to create and disseminate my ideas to the world.

I am still able to write and express my thoughts.

Maybe next, I'll write an ode to my breasts, those small, pliant growths that budded so beautifully during my teenage years, that brought me so many awakenings, and betrayed me with a genetic defect they had no control over. I cut them away, so readily, but I can think of them fondly now. This too, is my choice.

I am still me. I have had much taken away, but I am still here, and I will leave my mark on the world.

[our-oriented-aroace-experience]

I know I'm definitely 100% ace, but I'm not so sure about the aro part. I feel like I can see myself in a fulfilling romantic relationship, but, at the same time, I think I'd be good without one too. and I know that sounds pretty normal, but, I'm disconnected from the idea of romance itself too. what even is romantic attraction? I mean, I know what it is, but, how would you define it the same way you can define sexuality, and differentiate aces from allosexuals? I know I've felt it before, which means, if anything, I'm arospec, but, I'm not entirely sure when it started yk. I've never felt romantic attraction before becoming really good friends with the person, but, that's probably on everyone I know being either annoying or an asshole. I think I'm capable of developing crushes without knowing the person that well, so, probably not demiromantic. but maybe im recipromantic? I do remember the feelings getting considerably stronger after they were reciprocated. but, that could also be my attachment/abandonment issues. it wouldn't be a huge part of my identity either way, so, I'm not really freaking out about it- but I'd like to understand myself better. I know it's stupid asking a stranger for help regarding something only I can figure out, but, what do you think? am I arospec, an allo with issues, or is this related to being ace? should I just step aside and let time do its thing? do you know anyone who's gone through this sorta thing before who could maybe help? that's all, sorry for the rant; I just really needed to get it off my chest seeing as I've been suppressing these thoughts for a good two years now due to being a hopeless romantic as well. it's one thing being ace and trans, but a whole other thing also being arospec. I think I'm scared someone will find out and just assume I'm incapable of feeling romantic attraction. I'm not. I crave it, a little. I just don't actively seek it for a multitude of reasons. god, I hope I'm not actually as unlovable as I feel. anywho, have a good one <3

Am I arospec, an allo with issues, or is this related to being ace? Should I just step aside and let time do its thing?

I'm not sure. From what you wrote in your ask, it sounds like you're romance-indifferent. You may be arospec, or you may not be. Romance indifference is related to aromanticism, but is still its own thing.

I don't know if you already figured it out by the time I post this, but I personally let time do its thing when I was figuring out I was aromantic. Things happened and one day, it just clicked for me. (You're your own person though - do what you think will work best for you.)

Do you know anyone who's gone through this sorta thing before who could maybe help?

I don't know anyone who's gone through this, but if any of my followers want to chime in, then feel free to!

(I don't have much else to add)

[nucleo-bang-tan]

ITS BEEN HECTICCC

In the meantime, I got into college, moved to a dorm, moved back home (it's not really that far from my college), cut off and lost some toxic friends.

I have been struggling, not gonna lie. New people, new places, a small town girl trying to act like the rich city girls. It's been 5 months since I started college, and I haven't found a friend yet. Everyone probably thinks I'm lame and idk poor?

But their thoughts don't define me, right? Right?

It's been really bad but I'm glad I got 2 friends to talk to. We barely even meet, but hey, we still are close af.

I know I'm still a kid, but I've been lonely for so long, I'm tired. Living at my house (not a home) isn't peaceful or comforting, it's just chaotic and triggering. They try to act like it's alright, nothing ever happened... but the 9-year old me still remembers it. My inner child claws at my insides to be freed, to be happy.

I remember the days I was called gifted, a prodigy and what not. I remember how lonely I was even back then. I was never allowed to leave my house or even have friends. I remember, I was 10 or 11, and I asked my parents for a bike, I wouldn't ride it outside, maybe just in the yard. They refused because they thought I'd run away with someone.

I remember I was taken out for a walk in the yard like I was a dog. Mom never let me out of her sight, fearing I'd run away. Which is valid because all throughout my childhood and even now, I feel like running away.

My parents were paranoid, not in a way that's appropriate for a child. I remember the accusations, the slut shaming, the everything. And for what? For wearing shorts INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE? For simply talking to my male music teacher and being his favourite? For talking to my male cousins? FOR BEING CLOSE TO MY BROTHER?

I don't feel safe in my own home, I don't feel safe in my own skin. It hurts to just be.

My parents were paranoid, not in a way that's appropriate for a child. I remember the accusations, the slut shaming, the everything. And for what? For wearing shorts INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE? For simply talking to my male music teacher and being his favourite? For talking to my male cousins? FOR BEING CLOSE TO MY BROTHER?

I don't feel safe in my own home, I don't feel safe in my own skin. It hurts to just be.

Maybe that's why I stopped trying. I was never appreciated. Heck, I won national level awards and was never even congratulated by my own parents, they wanted more. They cared, yes. But they cared too much.

I was never ever good enough to be their child. They had issues with the way I talked, walked, slept, sat, stood, every fucking thing. It's so shitty to not be able to cry without being called a sympathy/attention seeker by your dad.

This rant was just a grain of sand in the sandbox of reasons I don't wanna live in my home.

There's ed, addictions, physical and mental health issues & abuse, sa, infidelity, sh and just borderline psych ward worthy acts in this family, but I still find myself trying to prove myself for them.

Why am I writing this? For my future self. For others who can relate to me.

But you got yourself, right? The only person you'll ever need? You got your delusional boyfriend, your anime crushes and that one celebrity you're way too obsessed with are there as your coping mechanisms.

Man, being lonely sucks ass

Like fuck, I do care about what you think, I do let it define me, I do change myself to fit into your visions.

But maybe someday, you'll find your own little paradise in a guy or a girl. They'll be your everything, your soul, your breath.

Maybe you'll find happiness. So I'd keep living. Not for myself, no. I don't have enough self esteem or respect for that. But maybe to prove them wrong? AND to someday find that someone who makes me want to be alive.

You're worth everything. You're not leaving, not yet. So big WOMP that you don't wanna live, shut it.

It was not your fault!

It was not your fault!!

It was not your fault!!!

It was not your fault!!!!

It was not your fucking fault!!!!!

[eryiss]

[Fraxus] Multifaceted- Part 4

Or: The 5 Times Laxus Learned of a New Skill Freed Possessed, & The 1 Time He Fell Victim To Them

Summary: For the rest of the world, it had been seven years. For the members of Fairy Tail it had all been in the blink of an eye. But, for Laxus, that was more than enough time for his closest friend to seem like an entirely new person. This self assured, competent Freed was something new to Laxus, and he found himself enjoying it. Perhaps a little too much… Note: Laxus' feelings have started to grow, so it’s horny time. This has some sexual content, so only read if you want it. Links: Ao3, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

4: DIY

Freed had his shirt off, and he was sweating. Wonderful.

Laxus' growing attraction to Freed had been a slow and steady thing. Freed, since Laxus had returned to the guild, had proven himself to be more open with himself, less willing to hide his emotions and smother his smiles. His openness had allowed him to be more himself than he ever had been before, which was why Laxus had been privy to the slew of talents Freed apparently had.

That had all been fine. He'd always had a competency kink - not his preferred phrasing, but it was true nonetheless - and Freed was showing himself to be more and more competent by the day. And yes, he was handsome, but that wasn't new. This weird little crush Laxus had been harbouring was going to die away eventually.

Except Freed was shirtless and sweating, and in their bed.

What the hell was Laxus meant to do with that? Intellectually, he was aware Freed had a good body. His job required athleticism, and if his dancing abilities were anything to go by, he was incredibly fit. But knowing something and seeing something first hand was entirely different.

The damn man was shredded. He had abs that looked to be cut from steel, yet not with the same bulk that Laxus had. Freed's muscles were well defined, but housed in a perfectly slight body; like he wasn't intending to have a killer six pack, and yet he'd ended up with one anyway. His pecs were firm, yet not overly pronounced, and his nipples small yet demanding of attention. His hip bones were sharp and led temptingly downwards.

For a moment - one mad, ridiculous, lousy moment - Laxus considered dropping to his knees. Just for a second. Just to see what happened. Just to look up at Freed as he unbuttoned his fly and pulled out his-

The asshole was drinking, too. Cold looking water that dripped down his jaw and down his throat. Because, evidently, he wanted to kill Laxus.

"Hey," Laxus found himself saying. It was for the best, better than being found staring anyway. "You working out here now or something?"

Freed lowered his water bottle, frowning for a moment. Then he looked down himself and chuckled. "I've decided to be somewhat more proactive about our living situation."

Laxus wanted to say that if shirtless Freed was staying around, their living situation had been improved considerably, but he didn't. Instead, he said "By covering the sheets in your sweat?"

"It's my turn with the bed, and I'll wash them before you use them," Freed dismissed, standing up and walking past Laxus. He glowed in the light, and Laxus watched him go. Dear god, his back was perfect. There was a lack of scratches, but Laxus would amend that if given the chance. He shook the thought away, adjusted the slightly growing bulge between his legs, and followed Freed as he started up talking again. "I'm sick of the radiator not turning off, so I decided I would fix it myself. Once that was done, I was in the mind to fix other things, so I've spent the afternoon working around the house."

Laxus glanced around. He should have noticed before, really, but there were many little differences. The table and chairs were all now even legged, there were shelves screwed into the wall over the kitchen counters, and the door had opened easier and without a squeak.

Another thing Freed was good at, then. Wonderful. Another thing for Laxus to digest and obsess over when his mind wondered. He certainly had been lacking in that for the past few months of living with him…

"Wow," Laxus mused, then frowned. "If you fixed the radiator, why's it so hot in here?"

"Oh, after I fixed it, it got considerably worse. Hence, this," he gestured to his sweating, rippling torso. Was he flexing, or did his abs just look like that? "Turns out, I'm not too good with radiators. I'm terribly good at handling wood, though, so it balances out."

He must have known the innuendo he just said. He must have!

"So we live in a sauna now?"

"No. I've contacted the landlord."

"That didn't work before."

"Yes, well, this time I threatened him. He's coming tomorrow."

"You threatened him?"

"With castration."

"Freed!"

"Blunt force, using a hammer, to be specific," Freed hefted a hammer and ran his finger against the nail removing end. His grin was twisted, and Laxus gaped at him. "Calm down. I almost definitely wouldn't do anything."

"I'm not liking the almost there," Laxus grumbled.

Freed laughed, and Laxus all but groaned. There must have been something wrong with him, because finding a man threatening another man with brutal castration should not have been anything close to a turn on. Yet, for the second time, Laxus found himself shifting his stance so there was nothing conspicuous happening below the belt.

He watched as Freed crouched down, fiddling with a mess of wood which, upon further inspection looked to be a half built coffee table, upturned and unvarnished. Laxus had been complaining about not having anywhere to place his mugs and rest his feet. Now, Freed was making one for him.

The urge came back. Not to kneel, this time, but to haul him up and push him against a wall.

God fucking dammit. This was ridiculous.

But not ridiculous enough, apparently, because as Laxus found himself unable to look away from Freed - who had picked up a saw now, which made his shoulder blades shift and his biceps flex unfairly - Cana walked in. How she had even found out where they were living, Laxus didn't know.

"Hey man, your grandpa said he wants to-" she cut herself off, watching the room for a moment, then turning to Laxus, then bursting into laughter.

Both Laxus and Freed turned to her. Laxus had so much venom in his gaze that anyone with any sense of self preservation would run for the hills, but Cana didn't seem even remotely affected. Freed, in turn, had narrowed his eyes slightly and was staring her down.

"Is that at my expense?" He asked, calm but threatening.

"Nah man, it's at the blonde's."

"Very well, continue," Freed hummed, then turned back to his work.

Cana beamed, looked back to Laxus, then burst out laughing again. Laxus grabbed her by the arm, yanked her out of the apartment, and slammed the door closed behind them. Cana's laughter got even louder, and seemed never ending. Eventually Laxus got sick of hearing it, and sent a small shock into her elbow, which cut off her laughter and she glared at him.

"Was that necessary?"

"Was the laughing necessary?"

"Oh yeah, totally," She grinned, nudging him. "Come on, you'd laugh if it weren't happening to you."

"Oh shut up," He snapped.

Of course, this was his own fault. Everyone knew you didn't drink to the same levels as Cana and get away unscathed. Laxus had been feeling cocky and matched her drink for drink, and ended up spilling everything that was going on with his weird growing feelings towards Freed. During the conversation, he realised he'd found Freed hot for the last few years, but hadn't let himself come to terms with it. He stupidly voiced that, and Cana hadn't let it go.

To her credit, she hadn't told a soul. Previously that had gotten her a lot of respect in Laxus' mind, but all of that went away when she spoke again. "You literally walked into a porno situation with the guy you wanna fuck! That's funny!"

"No it's not."

"Trust me, it is," she laughed. "You gonna do it? Get his sword in your scabbard?"

"Tell me what you want and then leave."

"Oh, you wanna fill your scabbard without waiting then," she cackled at her own joke. Lightning flickered off Laxus' skin. "Fine. Your grandad wants to see you tomorrow, something about mission logs. I didn't really listen."

"Great. Leave."

"Sure," She shrugged, then patted him on the shoulder. "Enjoy the cold shower, dude."

"Get out," Laxus growled. Cana did as she was told.

Laxus faced the door to his apartment for a moment, then opened it and forced himself to go in. Cana was an ass, but she was right about one thing. A cold shower was the right thing to do. He made sure not to look in Freed's direction - who knew what he would be doing now - and flippantly said that he was going to take a shower while it was vacant. He almost got through it unscathed, if it weren't for the words that followed.

"Okay, I'll have one after you."

Of course, a torrent of images struck Laxus' suddenly overactive imagination. Freed, naked and lathering himself up under the spray of the shower they shared. Would his cock plump up? Would he tug and rub at it? Would he brace himself against the tiles the same way Laxus did?

His hand hovered over the temperature dial of the shower. He should turn it all the way down, freeze off the horny daze and have done with it. That was the right thing to do.

He didn't. He left it at the steaming temperature, stripped off, grabbed his hard, hefty cock and switched on the shower. Indulging in a fantasy where Freed joined him, controlling and strong and wonderful, he start to pump his cock, eyes flittering shut with pleasure as arousal flooded him,

Fuck, this was a step too far, but as he imagined Freed on his knees, he didn't care.

[fifteensjukebox]

tagged-ish by dani @elizabeth-mitchells

favorite movie: i truly got stuck on my late middle school favourite of scott pilgrim? like i haven't been able to define a different favourite movie since and i fear if i try i'll end up listing soooo many

favorite tv show: person of interest or leverage probably... also doctor who at the insistence of late middle school me but also present-day me

favorite musical artist: biiiig question.... probably metric followed by the kills and paramore? (slash their lead singers' other/solo projects <3)

favorite color: mint/turquoise or purple

favorite season: spring!! i hate hot weather but i hate being cold or carrying a big coat more so sweata weatha is the one for me

favorite book: to quote lizzie olsen i don't read benedict. no but seriously i need to read more books/audiobooks instead of just podcasts and fic... the last book i loved (even better in audio form w the author's beautiful irish accent) is out of love by hazel hayes. her new book is out but not on audio on the library so i need to convince myself to buy it

do you have any funko pops? no but i have been tempted they are very cute

do you play any instruments? played piano as a kid but it didn't really stick, played recorder and clarinet in school and i probably still could if i wanted to? started guitar after and definitely still could if i wanted to but im almost exclusively a chords girl. also i never learned to read music i got by for 3 years of middle school band (even made it to second chair clarinet for a bit) playing by ear...... i think so often about my high school guitar class when i had to ask my group (including cooper who ive mentioned had a crush on me) to tell me what chords the sheet music said for our performance near the end of the year... and now im thinking about the time i drove a group of our friends to the park after an exam and i had to have cooper fill up my car at the gas station bc i had been a licensed driver for a month but it had never come up somehow fjsksksj truly insane considering my parents' car tht i was driving then is Not fuel efficient

do you have any pets? no i've always wanted a cat but i fear i don't want a chaotic little guy in my house there's enough chaos in and around me :(

do you read or write fan fiction? i read so much and i haven't written but technically i do have three wild ideas all of which i've mentioned in tags and am interested lately it's hard to even read fic with my constant headaches so.... open to being encouraged to try though i do love my silly little ideas...

what songs have you had on repeat recently? divorce by housewife (and that whole ep), who's afraid of little old me by taylor swift (ginger's wicked fic inspired me yesterday), and popular from wicked (movie version) but i haven't ended to actually play it because it's just in my head 24/7

tagging whoever wants to do this plus the wonderful ginger @redheadedbrunette

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

Recently I've been reevaluating my queerness and what it means for me, and it's a really weird and kind of uncomfortable experience.

Everyone always says labels don't define you, they describe you--when your experience changes, the way you "identify" also can change to reflect that. But it's scary to think, "hey, the way I've understood myself and my experience is fundamentally shifting," and losing the sense of stability that comes with having a familiar word to reference.

Over the summer, I dated (!) a guy (!!!!!), which I never had seriously believed would happen--and I actually had romantic feelings for him. I'm pretty sure I felt that way before we were officially together, so I've also now had a crush. Can I describe the difference between that and what I've felt before? Not really, which is also confusing.

But a huge part of the way I've seen myself over the years has been as aromantic as well as asexual. I have an aro ring that I wear every day, along with my ace ring. Knowing what I could and couldn't experience helped me set realistic expectations for what I would be like in a relationship, and was an important part of how I saw my relationship with my QPP.

And now I'm like, well, can I develop romantic feelings for other people? Was this a one-time thing? Was my ability to do that contingent on the fact that it turned out he wasn't actually attracted to women (oh the irony) and therefore I felt utterly unthreatened by him? If I want to date other people, because I would like to be married someday, what am I supposed to tell them about how I function and what they can expect? What can I even expect?

It's overwhelming and so I haven't thought about it much. If I try to frame it positively, I can take some benefit from thinking romantic connection might be easier for me than I'd thought (as in, it turns out to be possible); but without that intentional shift in my thinking, I'm just left with a giant question mark as to what my future relationships will look like--which is bad, because if I don't know what I'm comfortable with in a relationship, I can't establish healthy boundaries. Maybe part of a relationship is experiencing those new things together and working it out as you go...but I also have trust issues and can't imagine conventionally dating someone (e.g. not establishing a strong friendship first) and being able to trust that they won't take advantage of me in some way.

And now even my familiar words don't feel quite right. I still think of myself as associated with aromanticism, but I no longer describe myself that way to other people--I'll generally say I'm queer and then explain a little more without using specific terms. And I know I'm ace, but it's less important to me than it used to be.

I thought feeling more "normal" would be a good thing; it actually just makes me feel weirder.

I'm just hoping that as I continue learning more about myself, I can accept whatever I find out. I want to embrace the uncertainty along the way. It's just hard. Ya know?

[deadbeandrop]

This is campy-mccampface, I just don’t feel like asking from my main lol.

Any ships?

ok actually let me go over the stuff i've been interested in exploring in general here...

i'm going to classify all of this in two different ways: the level of relevancy to the "canon" storyline i'm working on, and the interest i have in things in my own little side zone where i am smushing dolls together like everyone else for fun

i also don't feel like getting into all the appeals of things rn but i might come back and add/update that here in the future

within the boundaries of the actual "canon" i'm trying to build, i think i want to stay away from too much explicit romance, just as a preference and because my brain works in a very specific picky-and-choosey way, and that's what feels correct in the plan to me right now... of course, there are still teases and hints of romance that i have planned, but i'm still working out the details on how they'll actually come across, as i am also a big fan of vaguely defined and non-traditional relationship presentations. so, when i say i ship something here, it's definitely notable for me to say that might not always look the same way or be about established Dating relationships, just tyat there is Something going on there and i'm explorimg it. sometimes i think it's more fun even for me to just do a little wink and a spin and let everyone else take what they want from it, as you would when actually writing a show. so, there are also things that do capture my interest even though i know i couldn't really "fit" them into what i'm doing, and occasionally my brain will sort of play tug-of-war with that, because even if i'm not adhereing fully to canon canon, i usually still stick hard to some kind of internal rules for myself and i can get a little caught up in that. alas, i wish to play...!

so...

Lumpus x Slinkman ▪︎ Involved in Canon / I ship it

everyone should know how i feel about this one by now...! obviously, they are my favorite ever, but they didn't always have a semblance of a happy ending planned out!

at first, i actually used to be quite adamant about not "shipping" them (as in, describing that as what i was doing) or wanting them to end up together in the end, partially due to early story ideas i was messing around with, and partially because I was worried it was Problematic in some way to do so. however, when you really get into it and look at what I'm doing here, i really don't think that's the case in the slightest. i was just, like, 15 years old. or whatever. still, they are for sure a complicated pair, but i have a lot planned out for them to show how much they mean to me ^_^

in terms of "canon", the majority of it comes from early implications and an absolutely insane batch of emotions on lumpus' end, as well as a lot of casual domestic stuff that very purposefully but also humorously evokes the feeling of "old married couple". they already live together, y'know. ultimately, i have them down as life partners, with some kind of a romantic friendship situation, but there's a good chance they will practically end up "together". my post-finale plans are essentially a "a break up, one party is about to be kicked the hell out, and now they have to win their partner back" plot! the thing is just that i'll probably spend a lot of time not "saying" anything out loud, but plenty of things will speak for themselves, really

Lazlo x Edward ▪︎ Potential to be Implied/Teased in Canon / I ship it

absolutely classic dynamic. i simply can't go wrong with it, honestly. i enjoy their relationship either way, and depending on how things go plan-wise, there may be some moments between them, at least. (you're going to hear that a lot on this post)

Patsy x Lazlo ▪︎ Involved in Canon / Sure!

a one-sided crush i am definitely keeping, if only for how much i like patsy!

for this pairing, it's still on the table for me to have a few different paths to it, and it's another case of mostly just finding their relationship in general interesting rather than being super invested in the fact that it's romantic. and i'll definitely be exploring lazlo's feelings on patsy's intensity and such, to the point of writing patsy with control issues there. the crush won't be reciprocated during the main summer plots, but i can imagine myself playing around with them post-finale in middle school or in high school for an amount of time, since that's something i've decided to probably have arranged. i'll see!

the thing is, i am one of those people who can't for the life of me decide how i feel on lazlo's sexuality, because i like pretty much every option! so that could always play into it too, who knows...!

Lumpus x Jane ▪︎ Involved in Canon / I don't ship it

of course i couldn't be throwing this one away either. regardless of anything else, i am always down for watching lumpus be a dumbass about jane, it's always fun and endearing to me.

however, as i've said on here, i really don't see a world where they work out that also isn't personally agonizing for me. or boring. or that doesn't feel borderline misogynistic. with how i envision things, it would either crash and burn immediately, or they would enable the worst in each other. it's almost inherently kind of depressing with how i view both of their characters, even if their dynamic in general to me is interesting! and of course, i do always have room to explore stuff like that, but i think not having it work out will always be for the best here.

i especially want to take the wedding plot in canon and do it justice, primarily for jane, because it's really unfair for her. it'll still have a similar premise of jane and lumpus getting engaged, but things will go wrong enough to put a stop to it before it all happens, and jane will actually be able to swing back from it all here.

Jane x Ms. Mucus ▪︎ Not Exactly Involved in Canon / TBA

i've gotta think about this one more, but i have already drawn them before a few years ago. ms. mucus in general i sort of need to reserve some time for myself to think about in-depth. still, they've already fit snugly into the Paralells zone, i feel like one-sided feelings from ms. mucus are totally believable, and for the aforementioned lumpus and jane wedding, it'll be ms. mucus who crashes it, which is inherently a little 🤨

Chef McMuesli x Slinkman ▪︎ Potential to be Implied/Teased in Canon / IDK!

i've just got a lot of thoughts about jane's sexuality, too, and by the end of things i think she really needs a break from any sort of romance...

ah, how far we've come...

as i mentioned, it took me a bit to come around to lumpus and slinkman, and this is what i was doing in the meantime. originally, it was these two who i was going to try and write something about and to have slinkman end up with, but, a lot of things have changed since then...!

i've also realized that since i was building this from scratch, i also don't really have a great foundation for it at the moment. i do absolutely still think they have the potential to be cute, but i'd have to sit and think about it again with more of a focus on the "whys" there, because, as it stands, lumpus and slinkman will ultimately be more fun and interesting to me and that's why they inevitably took over my entire brain

even so, in current plans, mcmuesli does still play a bit of a part between lumpus and slinkman, so depending on how things work out, there may still be a bit of a "tease" for them as well, just because of the parts of all those original plans i think i should keep. i do also have some old art of them i'll post eventually

Lumpus x The Bear Waiter from Beef Lumberjacks (I STILL WANNA CALL HIM TARSON) (I NEED TO MAKE A POST ABOUT THAT LATER) ▪︎ Potential to be Implied/Teased in Canon / I ship it

i won't lie i have been thinking about this something awful LOL

in the post-finale plans, one of the highlights there is lumpus actually branching out a bit and trying to make some kind of new friends because he's pushing middle-age and has barely had any in his entire miserable life — so this guy ends up being one of them ^_^ of course, the early-series encounter of hostility at beef lumberjacks comes first, and i can imagine him being involved in another thing or two with lumpus before the finale as well

(frankly, i just think the character is fun and i want more of him, and this is an extremely convenient way to do so)

and unfortunately i have become an absolute sucker for lumpus experiencing the most insane mix of emotions of his life in the presence of this guy, who's like twice his size, relatively unpredictable, and also has really taken a liking to him. and he's a real Guy friend, y'know, they're going fishing and hunting and watching football and stuff together and for once lumpus is not providing even half of the energy here, he's often the one getting dragged around. and it's unlocking stuff in lumpus he didn't even know he could feel, cus i sure love when lumpus is pathetic and reduced to a blubbering mess 😁

and once again the rest of the thoughts on this situation not, in fact, allowed to go on this blog— (SWIFTLY DODGES THE FALLING ANVIL ABOVE MY HEAD

Ms. Lawson (Scoutmaster's Assistant in the 80's) X Sheri (Lumpus' Mother) ▪︎ Implied/Teased in Canon / I ship it

when i post my little paragraphs and stuff on the era, it'll make a bit more sense in context of what's going on here. basically, at a certain point in time, ms. lawson is having to make phone calls home about lumpus, and she accidentally ends up in long-winded conversations with his mother, who is lonely and also has too much time on her hands. over the summer they end up chatting about other things, and she actually ends up calling regularly, and there's a sense of connection there that both gives ms. lawson a different insight on lumpus' situation and distracts her from what all the kids are actually up to out there LOL. they're sort of a "not meant to be" thing, at least at the moment, but it's really funny to make affair jokes about them as emotionally that's almost what it becomes when the idea started to begin with as a romantic-coded dynamic. and there's a few paralells as well between lawson-sheri-howard and slinkman-lumpus...!

Slinkman's College Girlfriend ▪︎ Involved in Canon / TBA

i'm kind of planning on throwing college-era slinkman briefly into like a roger/jessica thing and giving him a girlfriend for a little bit, for a few reasons, including that i think it's kind of funny and i have ideas for how that can play out with, y'know, lumpus being around,

the details on this one are still in the larva stage though. i also have a post about my many thoughts on slinkman's sexuality that have evolved over the years in my drafts

Edward x Nina / ???

once again still thinking about this, from nina to edward. i feel like it could be fun for an episode if i absolutely had to write another crush across the camps. i think it would be interesting for her to be weirdly and accidentally charmed by his "tough" demeanor that is also obviously demonstrated to be a cover-up. idk!

Slinkman's Parents ▪︎ Involved in Canon / I ship it

as well as other obviously established couples. they are honestly relevant enough in things and i enjoy them together enough that i can say i guess i "ship" them as well LOL i hope everyone enjoys them too when i finally share them, i think they are so very cute

ok that's about it i think. for now. i would joke about my self insert x lumpus and slinkman, but i'm not actually too big on self shipping in like an actual relationship or anything. i am in the cuck chair and i am alright in the cuck chair ❤️

[itsadragonaesthetic]

Below is a post about all of the things I've noticed at 4 months on testosterone. Making this for myself and also anyone who is thinking about starting testosterone. This does get personal and talks about private and sexual stuff, as a warning. I would have loved for people to openly talk about it more when I was still deciding, so I choose to talk about it.

Facial hair grew my peach fuzz 5 times longer and stopped. It makes it easy and natural looking to put mascara or rubbing eyebrow pencil stuff on it tho. No true facial hair as of yet.

My voice FINALLY started to properly drop after 4 actual months of torture. I have had so much mucus in my throat ever since I hit one month but only recently does my voice sound much different. It's genuinely harder to talk higher.

My bumpy skin thing came back after years. As a teen, I had that skin condition that causes excess keratin in the hair follicles on some parts of your body but it went away when I was around 19 or so. Now it's back.

My acne is very much there but it's not too bad. Not nearly as bad as before i started all my meds, I must say. Considering I dropped nearly all of my acne meds shortly before starting T, this isn't that bad. Started as teeny zits and now I get maybe a cyst every week or so.

My skin is extremely oily but not much more than it was before I started taking meds for my original hormone and health problems. I'm just a naturally oily person. Again, my acne is much less than it used to be despite this.

I very much smell different. When I sweat a lot, it's more of a nice musty smell and not so much of that sharp onion smell. My pee smells VERY different. I'm not sure how to describe it.

My discharge is different, but not abnormal. Interestingly, it's more acidic. I thought it would get less acidic but nope it's staining my underwear.

The natural lubricant discharge has not gone away whatsoever. No vaginal atrophy to speak of.

Similarly, i haven't felt any cramping after orgasms. Maybe a teeny bit, but I think it's actually my intestines and this was always a thing before I started T.

I got some proper tummy hairs! I don't think I've gotten hairs anywhere else except my tummy.

My shoulders and back have skyrocketed in size. My muscles aren't more defined but they are bigger.

I haven't gained or lost any weight really.

Appetite has been pretty alright. I occasionally get sudden cravings but they go away once I get some protein in me.

Bottom growth has been slow and steady. I don't really feel it at all like I did in the first two months but it's a teeny bit bigger pretty much every week.

Sexual stuff has changed a surprising amount. Certain kinds of stimulation have totally vanished, and lots of fantasies of mine have become totally uninteresting. It's been like being a little teen again; just making random shit up and trying to find what grinds your gears.

Attraction hasn't changed much. It's perhaps slightly more intense. I get a small crush on at least one girl in every social space I end up in.

My hair is impossible to keep clean and seems thinner. Not in a balding sort of way, more in a general hair quality and volume sort of way. My hair is so oily that it just sits flat on my head. It's honestly only nice for a few hours after showering. And NO I don't wash it every day my hair habits have not changed in years.

I'm more gassy? I'm lactose intolerant and anti depressants mess with ur digestion but it's more noticeable now.

My chest is decently smaller. My chest was SUPER puffy beforehand. Rock solid all the time. Almost constantly in some pain from the swelling. My chest is still more solid than the average tit, but the fact that they're not just overripe grapefruits on my chest and they just feel like fat bags is CRAZY.

This has interestingly not made binding a lot easier. Binding, especially with tape, has always been a challenge for my super titanium tits despite them not being that big. I can't achieve a flatter chest, but it's slightly easier to shape my chest and just make it look like I got decent pecs with some chest fat.

I might add more if I think of it!

My unibrow is now even more unibrow. I would shave it but my hatred of the white patriarchy burns hot within me.

I don't really get cold anymore. I'm slightly tubbier now I guess but I was tubby sometimes as a kid and teen and I hated the cold. I keep thinking about how mild this winter has been but then I check the temperature and it's like 38 degrees F outside with a 35 degree wind chill and I'm like.......... huh...

My family says I've gotten stronger. There's been multiple instances where there will be a bin full of groceries or I have to carry a dog across a street back to his house and someone I know will be like "how did you do that?" I've been conditioned to never question my strength and just do whatever is possible so I don't notice it.

[azapofinspiration]

Fanfic Writer Interview

Thanks to @bunnys-tales for tagging me! Seems like this should be pretty fun!

How many works do you have on AO3?

I have... 245 fics on there. Wow, I remember when I hit the 200 mark, like, a couple years ago. To be fair, I've been writing and posting fanfics (originally on FF.Net but I've posted and mostly backdated all of my fics onto AO3 as well) for almost 13 years now.

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

I was a bit surprised when I checked because the one that's been number 1 for years now has finally been usurped.

I generally don't necessarily go by kudos (especially since I know that there are re-readers out there like me), but I do appreciate every single one.

So here are my top 5 kudo'd fics!

1. Rite of Passage (BSD fanfic) - Basically, the ADA and PM go drinking together and try to figure out what sort of traditions (or rites of passage) they go through to truly be deemed members of their organization. And it turns out everyone has basically had at least a bit of a crush on Chuuya. Can't blame them.

2. Hell in High Heels (VLD fanfic) - This was basically my top kudo'd fic ever since I posted it in 2018. I'm surprised I have something that's finally surpassed it since every fic I've written that I thought might never did quite as well (though it has had time to accumulate). In it, for a mission, Lance crossdresses and it turns out he can pass pretty well (and work it in heels). I had ideas for some sequels but never really got motivation to try them, though it was basically more shenanigans and Klance moments.

3. With Flying Colors (VLD fanfic) - Forever salty about how the show treated Lance and the Blue Lion. I never got over the Blue Lion never being given a defining trait like the others were at the beginning (except later she was implied to be the easiest or most easy-going which is why she easily accepted another paladin - which wtf), so given the nature of water, I gave her and Lance the trait of versatility and how Lance portrayed at different times all the traits that the other Lions looked for as well.

4. Maid of Steel (BSD fanfic) - I'm sensing a pattern, but in this fic, Chuuya has to crossdress in a maid cafe (to Dazai's delight and Atsushi and Kunikida's bewilderment) to try to investigate a case that's been affecting the PM as well. And then he kicks some butt. Just a fun time here.

5. In the Shadow of Death (Gravity Falls fanfic) - Originally inspired by some fan art (and then inspiring some in turn, Grunkle Stan manages to adopt/befriend multiple death omens over the years of him living in Gravity Falls and they love him so much, they won't let him die. Mostly written when I had free time during substitute teaching.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I certainly try to respond. Sometimes I get in the habit for a decent stretch but then I get busy and forget and then it feels like it's much too late as it's for something I've moved on from or I don't want to bother them and it's just.

I do try to respond as I'm able.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Hmm. Okay, I'm gonna be honest. I don't actually remember half the stuff I've written. Sometimes I have to remind myself of what exactly my own fics are when they get kudos or comments if it's one of my older fics. And I do write a lot of angst (as much as I write hurt/comfort), but a lot of the time, it's angst with happy ending so does that really count?

And it's really a matter of what kind of angst you're talking about. Same Song, Different Verse revels in the parallels of Vanitas and Louis and how both wished for Noé to kill them (which - I wrote this before the Amusement Park arc ended with Vanitas actually saying he wanted Noé to kill him). In Can't Turn Back I basically tortured Castiel for half the fic and had him deal with the consequences in the other half. Watch Your Back addresses both Stan's sordid past and his current memory issues. Adora realized that Catra had been lost as well atop of everything else in season 4 in Gone. I have multiple fics where characters die or seem to die (and may come back at the end or in a sequel fic).

So really, this is up for debate. I'm not sure what would be considered the angstiest ending, because even if things are better, the root issue may be one that can happen again.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Like I said, I love my angst with a happy ending so...

Maybe one of my sweeter fics like Reciprocated Affection (BSD), Knot Matching (Trickier Than It Seams) (VNC), Girls Become Lovers (Who Turn Into Mothers) (She-Ra), or The Scrapbook (Gravity Falls and ends a series of fics taking place in the finale)? All of them have different flavors of happy endings but it does have good and caring vibes at the end.

Do you write crossovers?

It might appear like I've written more but that's because Case Study of Vanitas has tags for both the anime and manga separately. So when I wrote something that applied to both, I marked both.

In actuality, I've written exactly 2 crossovers since I'm not really interested usually in exploring those possibilities. One is a fanfic shipping Belle from Beauty and the Beast and Cinderella (Disney Animated versions) that I wrote for Valentines' Day challenge in my college anime club (but it turned out to be really good so I shared it) and the other is a Stanchez fic that I wrote for a mini-bang event since I thought they'd make an interesting ship and it was a whole thing for a while.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I think I've gotten a few comments before, but the only thing that really comes to mind isn't necessarily hate. Like, back on FF.Net, for a Stony fic that I had clearly marked as Stony, I had someone constantly commenting for several chapters about why it had to have a romantic flavored ship especially of Steve and Tony. Since that site doesn't let you respond to reviews/comments, I addressed them in an author's note in the fic (pointing out that I had marked it and I could do what I want so why were they here if they didn't like it) and the anon immediately became apologetic and then asked if I was mad/forgave them multiple times for the next few chapters. It was more weird than anything.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

No.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes. My fic What Is Love? for VNC was stolen, terribly translated into Spanish, and then posted as the first two chapters of a fic of what I presume were even more stolen stories translated into Spanish to avoided being found out for stealing on Wattpad. I never gave permission for a translation and they didn't even link to the original or say it wasn't theirs. Luckily, someone let me know, since I don't use Wattpad, and I went through the steps on Wattpad to let the admin know and it got taken down by showing I'd posted mine first and all my fics on AO3 for years have been tagged not to be copied to other sites.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes. Back on FF.Net, someone asked to translate a couple of my SPN fanfics into Russian and they linked back to my original so it was okay.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Kinda. A person here on Tumblr and I went back and forth, writing and responding on a post that helped build a story until they couldn't go on. But I don't remember who it was, where those posts are (must not have tagged it as fic as it was kinda a write and response that we unintentionally started), and I can't remember what we were even doing. It was fun though, even though it's lost in the Tumblr slurry.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Uh... It changes. Probably between SKK or Vanoé just due to how recent those are, though I still love both Lumity and Raeda and I will probably never recover from Klance or Kagome/Inuyasha.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I have a YGO fic lurking at the bottom of my Google Docs that I probably will never touch again. I also have whole lists of fic ideas for fandoms I've moved on from.

Of my recent stuff, I don't know if I'll ever finish my VNC Anatasia AU that I started writing. I am trying to finish my other VNC WIP about hanahaki right now though!

What are your writing strengths?

I've been told multiple times across fandoms that I have very strong characterization. I think dialogue plays a huge role in that and I always try to get the spirit of the characters down.

My plots are also pretty good as well because people seem to be able to follow and enjoy the threads I weave.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I am also bad at getting to the point. Like, I have to have decent set-up which usually takes up pages before I get to whichever scenario the fanfic is actually about.

I'm also terrible at symbolism (it's something I struggled with in school - very much a "why can't the curtains just be blue" type of person back then) and as a result I'm not sure if the themes I want to get across are being properly conveyed. But I worry about my themes getting across even without symbolism that I'm trying to incorporate.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I mean, I have done this. I've written Lance speaking in Spanish and characters in VNC may get a sprinkling of French (though I'm more familiar with Spanish since I at least took a few years of that in high school though it's been years).

Though I think I've usually put in translations somewhere to help readers who don't want to try to translate it themselves.

I think it can be interesting.

Wait, does sign language count? Because usually I just indicate that's what they're speaking in when I've had characters use that.

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

At the moment? None that I can think of. I'll probably only know once my attention shifts.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Ah, I can't pick just one, because again, there's usually something in each fandom I've written for that I'm particularly proud of. But I'll try to narrow it down to 3.

Words is a RWBY White Rose fanfic, one of the first ones I did for that fandom, for the ship week. It's probably also my only blatant soulmates fic that uses those tropes.

Archiviste is a VNC Vanoe fic that explores Noé not only losing Vanitas, but also beoming a cursebearer due to it. And all of his worst traits are elevated as he does everything he can to get Vanitas back. I liked exploring his darker side and also evil Noé is hot.

Finally, one of my most recent fics is this super long one shot On My Knees (Looking for an Answer) for BSD (that includes SKK). As my friends pointed out, it's basically a Chuuya character study from everyone else's point of view and I really loved writing it despite how long it took.

Tagging: Anyone who wants to do this but specifically I encourage @theroadtosomewhere @neontoad @blindblossom @xlillyle

[our-aplatonic-experience]

I am questioning if I'm on the apple spectrum. I got interested in it, because I realized I don't exactly understand what platonic love is.

I have friends and family. But whenever I say "I love you" to them... it's not exactly honest. When I was a kid, I would say I loved my mom not because I felt it, but because I believed "Well, you're supposed to love your parents. Rude if you say you don't". She is not abusive... we've had our little bumps in the relationship, and I think she's become a very accepting and nice person now, but I still do not feel that love.

Perhaps I understand platonic attraction. If I define it correctly. I think some people are cool and I would like to communicate with them, perhaps on a more regular basis. I've felt I need to find friends, to make connections. I've wanted more friends.

But there have been moments when I think I don't care enough. I don't miss a lot of people I know. Sometimes I don't respond to messages soon enough and end up accidentally ghosting people. Sometimes these relationships feel more like a chore.

I wonder if there's a difference between enjoying communication and enjoyig a friendship. Do I like it because I'm not aplatonic? Or do I like it because I get attention? Humans are social creatures after all. I feel like I don't care about the other person enough sometimes.

I wonder if there's a difference of wanting to be closer to someone because they're cool and awesome and platonic attraction.

Whenever I get closer to someone, a little worm of a thought squiggles into my head. I think I develop crushes really easily. Just spend time with me, treat me well and I'm already imagining a scenario of us being together. It's not serious, just a passing image, but I wonder if it has to do with this whole platonic attraction thing. Or maybe I'm just lonely and want a relationship, as I've been telling myself for years.

I know that platonic relationships tend to be underappreciated in media, that friendship being "lesser" than romantic/sexual relationships is not really true... except I myself do feel it that way. I understand where this comes from, but my enjoyment of sex and romance is definitely greater than friendship. I wonder if that's just like that for most people and I'm not special here.

Whatever connection I have to family and friends... it is not as strong as how I can imagine a romantical relationship to be. I can feel all self sacrificial for a SO, but doing stuff for friends and family often feels like an obligation because of the tie between us.

I feel good spending time with them... but it doesn't feel strong enough to call it love.

that does sound quite like how it is to be aplatonic actually

I’ll leave it up to you to figure it out ofc but it does sound like my experience quite a bit

[ms-all-sunday]

personal experience time for prosperity, so i've mentioned that one piece is the reason I'm okay with the fact I'm bisexual now, which i thought it was self evident why that was but I'll explain because i feel like it gives perspective on why im so pro-sexualized/the narrative seeing this character as attractive (when appropriate obviously and i think op does a good job of doing that for the most part) for nami/robin (mainly talking about my experience with nami)

so previously ive had issues with never being attracted to female fictional characters, (I've been attracted to real human women very briefly throughout my life. i just dont hang out with a lot of people and the majority of them arent girls) and that was a problem even though i knew I was able to be attracted to girls I didn't feel like i was able to identify with that part of myself, (as a trans man, I've always felt very pushed into wlw spaces which I think isn't good and even though I have alters that identify as women we've never as a whole ever thought we were wlw) the problem was, when youre asked to be attracted to fictional women 99% of that is either objectification or look this character is hot! and then her actual character is nonexistent. which is a problem for me, because in my experience strong attraction comes from both how much i relate to someone and how much I admire them, so if I'm at large completely unable to relate to female characters, it puts me in a really fucking tough spot and i end up never being able to explore attraction like that in a fictional space. you see, you could point out to me that there's wlw characters and experiences that could've helped me? which, I'll point you to the fact I'm a man and secondly, I tried that. but I'm a man and unfortunately while I can appreciate gay girls in fiction i don't connect with them like that.

where this changed for me was a year ago when I watched one piece and then immediately was blasted by girls who were very obviously seen as attractive but were some of the best written female characters i had ever fucking seen since having that crush on that original character,

and there were men in the context of the fiction that were attracted to nami for the exact same reasons I was ??? (sanji/zoro in arlong park) and these men were being defined by having a crush on or being attracted to nami, and she was the one in control (another reason I couldnt connect with m/f couples: i wanted to be held by a girl and taken care of by a girl not the other way around)

and she struggled with mental health like i did so of course i could relate to her! and i was being encouraged by nami herself to see her as attractive so i didn't feel creepy like i did all of the other times (being a man and being attracted to women and inherently feeling creepy was a huge issue for me) and she was seen as a whole person, a whole entire beautiful person. the fact she was so complicated and detailed made her more attractive, and the fact i could connect and relate to her and have loving her mean that I love aspects of myself i couldnt expect?? I just loved her and i was attracted to her and I couldn't control it so it had me let go of my fear without me even realizing it was happening.

i literally havent felt creepy expressing my attraction to women since.

i simply needed to figure out how to be attracted to women- nami- because i was attracted to her so immediately and so intensely that being attracted to her meant i immediately became more articulate about it because i loved her so much it burst out of me.

the fact people saw nami as attractive was both good for me, someone who finds her attractive and struggled with expressing my attraction to women and was only attracted to fictional women who were entire people!, but also allowed me to feel loved myself as a person with mental health issues similar to hers.

basically, TLDR, i think viewing female fictional characters as attractive is fine as long as they're entire people who aren't reduced to their relationship to men, and is really fucking good actually both on the level that people get to see themselves as attractive and that it rightfully sends the message that women are more attractive when they are understood as whole people with lives and flaws (that can exist outside of traditional heterosexuality).

[sovaghoul]

Why I Identify as ABCD Omnisexual

Beginning in my college years (two decades ago), I identified as bisexual. For a time over the last year, I identified as sapphic bi, prioritizing my attraction to women/woman-aligned/-presenting/-adjacent people.

ABCD stands for "Anyone But Cis Dudes." To be clear, I do feel attraction to cis men. But due to my past, I no longer wish to have a romantic/sexual relationship with another cis man. Too many times, I ended up as essentially their caregiver. I was the one working while also sharing in the upkeep of the household, though at times that responsibility wasn't shared; at times it fell primarily to me. Or entirely. That wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted, ever, really, and so I found them unfulfilling, at best.

And then I met @goore-ghoul. If you weren't here for it, he admitted to having a crush on me, we started DMing, and today marks 3 months together. In another 3 months, he's coming to visit me. The other important thing to know here, is that he is a trans man, a fact that is very important to him.

I could have gone back to using the simple bi label, as I define it as experiencing attraction to genders both like and unlike mine. But as I've started exploring my own gender identity, that didn't quite feel right anymore. Due to personal reasons, I am uncomfortable with applying the pansexual label to myself. Omnisexual seems the best fit for now, but with the preference specification against cis men.

But this is a long-winded lead-up to saying,

🏳️‍⚧️ MY BOYFRIEND IS A TRANS MAN AND I AM PROUD OF HIM. 🏳️‍⚧️

I am not and could never be ashamed. I want to celebrate his transness with him always. I want to tell everyone that I'm in love with a trans man. And that he is literally the best man I've ever known. The most handsomest, sexiest, lovingest, bestest man to ever live. He is a REAL fucking man, more than any cis man has ever been to me. And I can't believe he's mine.