#the “I've been defining myself by this crush for years and now i have to be someone else”

[grandfangarbagechan]

[iwanthermidnightz]

When I think back on the Speak Now album, I get a lump in my throat. I have a feeling it will always be that way, because this period of time was so vibrantly aglow with the last light of the setting sun of my childhood. I made this album, completely self-written, between the ages of 18 and 20. I've spoken about how I feel like those ages are the most emotionally turbulent ones in a persons life. Maybe when I say that, I'm really just talking about myself.

I think they might just be the most idealistic, hopeful years too. At this point in my life, I had released my second album, Fearless. It became the breakthrough moment I'd always dreamt of, one that catapulted my career to new realms of success. It had brought with it a tidal wave of pressures and pitfalls and growing pains. All the while, I was encountering the milestones and checkpoints of normal teenage growth. I had cataclysmic crushes and brushes with heartache. I moved out of my parents' house and set my bags down in a new apartment. I hung photos on my own walls and decorated the space where I would sob and cackle and shatter and dream. Sometimes I felt like a grown up, but a lot of the time I just wanted to time travel back to my childhood bed, where my mom would read stories to me until I fell asleep.

In my darker moments, I was tormented by the doubt that swirled loudly around my ascent and my merits as an artist. I was trying to create a follow up to the most awarded country album in history, while staring directly into the face of intense criticism. I had been widely and publicly slammed for my singing voice and was first encountering the infuriating question that is unfortunately still lobbed at me to this day: does she really write her songs? Spoiler alert: I really, really do.

In the years since, I've developed a thicker skin about public criticism and the cynicism with which some people approach the music I make. At that time, it leveled me. I had these voices in my head telling me that I had the perfect chance and I blew it. I hadn’t been good enough. I had given it all I had and been found wanting.

I wanted to get better, to challenge myself, and to build on my skills as a writer, an artist, and a performer. I didn't want to just be handed respect and acceptance in my field. I wanted to earn it. To try and confront these demons, I underwent extensive vocal training and made a decision that would completely define this album: I decided I would write it entirely on my own. I figured, they couldn't give all the credit to my cowriters if there weren't any. But that posed a new challenge: It really had to be good. If it wasn't, I would be proving my critics right.

I had no idea how much this pain would shape me. That this was the beginning of my series of creative choices made by reacting to setbacks with defiance. That my stubbornness in the face of doubters and dissenters would become my coping mechanism through my entire career from that point forward. This exact pattern of enacting my own form of rebellion when I feel broken is exactly why you're reading these very words, and I'm re-releasing this album now.

I went through my first worldwide scandal (the mic grab seen around the world). I experienced the weirdness of trying to get to know a boy while a swarm of paparazzi surrounds the car. Media contacting my publicist for an official statement on why two teenagers broke up. These are weird experiences to have at any age, but even more surreal when you're 19.

I had the nagging sense that in the most intense moments of my life, I had frozen. I had said nothing publicly. I still don't know if it was out of instinct, not wanting to seem impolite, or just overwhelming fear. But I made sure to say it all in these songs. I decided to call the album Speak Now. It was a play on the speak now or forever hold your peace' moment in weddings, but for me it symbolized a chance to respond to the chatter and commentary around my own life.

Some of these emotional revelations were surprising to people. Some expected anger and instead got compassion and empathy with 'Innocent'. Some expected a kiss-off breakup song but instead got a hand-on-heart apology, 'Back to December. It was an album that was the most precious to me because of its vast extremes. It was unfiltered and potent. In my mind, the saddest song I've ever written is 'Last Kiss'. My most scathing is 'Dear John' and my most wistfully romantic is 'Enchanted'.

I'll be forever proud of setting a goal and seeing it through. I'lI always feel shivers all over when I remember singing 'Long Live' to close the show every night on tour. The outstretched hands of those bright and beautiful faces of the fans. Their support was like an open palm that reached out and helped me up off the ground when others were, frankly, mean.

These days I make my choices for those people, the ones who thought I had been good enough all along. I try to speak my mind when I feel strongly, in the moment I feel it. I'm still idealistic and earnest about the music I make, but I'm less crushed when people mock me for it. I know now that one of the bravest things a person can do is create something with unblinking sincerity, to put it all on the line. I still sometimes wish I was a little kid again in a tiny bed, before I ever grew up.

I always looked at this album as my album, and the lump in my throat expands to a quivering voice as I say this. Thanks to you, dear reader, it finally will be.

I consider this music to be, along with your faith in me, the best thing that's ever been mine.

Yours,

Taylor

[avelera]

So remember in season 1, Viktor has visions directly given by the Arcane and that's how he comes up with the idea of the Hexcore - and he also says that "the Arcane speaks through mages". So, even back in season 1, the idea that Viktor has been chosen by the Arcane was already alluded to! He was always on his way to becoming a mage, even before the Hexcore and the merge.

Do you think Jayce subconsciously felt it? Jayce, who was always so fascinated by magic that he was ready to commit suicide rather than live without it, who immediately told Viktor how "beautiful" magic was and then used that very word to describe Viktor himself in season 2 - did he realise that his fascination was always with Viktor in particular, do you think?

Oh man, Anon, there's SO many ways to answer this, where do I begin.

1 ) I wish we got more of what magic means to Jayce, because the tastes we get are so tantalizing and btw, I think the show gave us the right amount, it's for us to explore in fic and stuff after, but the implications are SO JUICY.

I absolutely headcanon (with evidence) that Jayce's evolution into wanting to create Hextech went like this:

Jayce as a kid: I want to be the mage who saved us! Look at my drawing of myself as a mage with a magic HAMMER just like my dad has, as the perfect fusion of everything I want to be when I grow up! :D

Jayce as a teen: I'm crushed to learn I have zero innate magical ability BUT I've still got this hammer and an entire upbringing as a member of a family of tool makers. What if there's a tool out there that would let me be a mage in another way? I will call it HEXTECH!! :D

Jayce as an adult: Now I have a degree, and a patron, and I have to be very careful about letting people know about Hextech because I'm from a city that was founded on a hatred of mages, so it needs to be presented to the world as TECHNOLOGY as meant for the BETTERMENT OF OTHERS. I can't be selfish, I have to draw inspiration from the mage who saved me by making magic about helping others. But deep down, part of me will always be that kid who didn't want to have to unlock magic with technology, who always wanted to just be the mage. Magic was secondary, the Mage was always the true first love, the true inspiration that changed my life, and I have been chasing that high ever since.

2 ) But one reason I wish we had gotten to explore this just a little more (cuz I'm an addict not because it would be a better story) is because I think there's a bit of an inherent tragedy to Jayce always wanting to be the mage and, in the process, falling in love with not one but two people who have the Arcane speaking through them?

Then you can also sort of loop it back around to a rather common queer awakening which is, "Do I want this person or do I want to be them?" and for years, Jayce thinking he wants to be the mage but once he's an adult, realizing part of that feeling was love, that he wants to be with the mage.

(And just to be super duper clear, Viktor rescued Jayce and then bounced out of there, immediately, I see Jayce discovering his feelings for the mage as being like a very early-days moment of inspiration that planted itself in his psyche and then years and years later, when he began to think about things like love for the first time, maybe then part of him realized that what he's mistaken as love for magic or Hextech was always love for the mage who saved him, on some level. I just want to be super duper clear that you can have an awakening moment as a child, something that will later define what you want out of life, without it necessarily being romantic at that point in life because I've seen some people be weird about it and I don't think that's what's happening there even if I think it's an element and now I'm rambling OK MOVING ON)

So Jayce has now canonically been in love with two mages and yeah, I think that is very much playing into my take and what we see in canon, he loves magic, but he loves the mage more, and maybe part of what worked as attraction for him was that he could feel the Arcane in them.

But I also wonder if spending so many years trying to find a practical, technological, scientific way to access magic obscured to Jayce the fact that it WAS magic? Like Viktor is right, they're treating magic like a tool, JAYCE is treating magic like a tool, because he comes from a family of TOOL MAKERS. To expand Hextech, they needed to think like mages. And Viktor is the first one to let the Arcane in, to let the Arcane set the course instead of them trying to bend it to their will (which maaaay have been a bad idea, I think the Arcane is way more complicated than that, yin-and-yang, requiring balance and they were actually meddling with forces they couldn't understand, clearly).

So to go back to your question:

1 ) Jayce thought it was the magic that was beautiful but it was ALWAYS about the Mage for him, and he got a fixation on mages after that which even HE isn't fully aware of.

2 ) I don't think Viktor was always destined to be the Mage, but that's a personal preference, I'm not a big fan of "magic genetics" in general and I vastly prefer systems where magic and fate is a choice. So I actually find it MORE BEAUTIFUL that Viktor becomes the Mage because of Jayce's love, because Jayce brought him in on Hextech, in the cycle of Viktor then taking the magic Jayce gave him to go back and save Jayce and inspire him with magic, like that's so tasty for me. But I also think sure, deep down, there was always a subliminal attraction to the Mage which could have played into Jayce's attraction to the person of Viktor, because they're the same person

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hellooo, I have kind of a weird question

You've explained that you always knew you were aroace, but I kind of feel like my part in the whole spectrum isn't mine?

What I mean is that I am Demisexual and greyromantic, and I've supposed this since a kid, and it seriously confused me and made me think thay I was weird for not having crushes or 'thristing' after any actor. I just kind of am through life until it hits, and that's how I live through life. But I only ever assimilated it this year, and it doesn't feel like I'm living through it. Don't misunderstand me, I know this is how I feel and go along my sexuality, but I kind of judge myself as if I were someone else. "No one is going to understand", "It's just not believeable", "you are aroace, even if you feel romantic and sexual attraction". I catch myself thinking this and then being "but it does happen, it's a spectrum after all", but it still feels like I'm getting judged. Only oh so few people know about this (like, two), and they have been very supportive, but I still feel anxious over being judged, and figures I'm the only one doing it.

What do I do? I can't seem to relax about it, even if I try. Am I abnormal? I know asexuality and aromatic are spectrums, but I'm exhausted by now. I've crazed myself like this my whole life.

It DOES happen, it IS a spectrum, and you're completely fine the way you are!

The thing is, because the world is how it is, yes, there's definitely a large amount of people who won't understand, who will call it "not believable", and you WILL be judged for sure.

I guess the trick would be to still know, for yourself, and repeat to yourself as much as you need, that their thoughts don't matter much as long as YOU know what you are for yourself.

I know it's easier said than done and it's a very lonely process. I've thought several times that maybe it's because I was bullied as a kid and my brain has been broken to an "everyone hates me to a degree anyway" level from a young age, that I still feel so certain of my own identity and will talk about it to anyone who will hear whether they like it or not, even if they'll judge me or not believe a thing like me exists. Either way... I'm here and I'm the way I am, so, too bad, guess I exist? And heck, there are words to define who you are, so if words exist for it, that means you exist too, right?

I know it gets tough. Especially because there aren't many ways to protect oneself against judgement in a world we live in, and especially because your situation is so nuanced, and I'll recognize that my very clear-cut orientations are probably still that tiny bit easier to grasp in a world that loves to put stuff in boxes. But even so. You're completely valid and have a right to be the way you are, because that's just who you are. It should be obvious and I'm sorry the world is working so hard to make it feel like it's not.

I'm glad you've found at least a couple of people who can offer you support and confidence, and I hope you find more. That's definitely been the case for me over the years and it's changed my life for the better. I really wish you the best, and all the courage, cus you'll need it.

[ohwaitimthewriter]

The Memory Keeper

Chapter 6: Cruise

Pairing: Noa x human!reader

Warnings: None!

Summarize: A woman, allowed to live as long as the virus keeps running through her body, living on autopilot for 260 years, is going to see her life takes a new turn, finding hope in something that might come to put an end to her wandering.

Words: 3k+

A/N: Hi there! After all this time, I've decided to post the first part of this chapter. So it's not complete in what I wanted to tell entirely about this chapter. However, I find myself with a rather significant lack of inspiration and motivation, which has been going on for over a month now. I hope that working in this way will enable me to start the rest of this chapter under better conditions.

In the meantime, I hope you'll like this first part!

Enjoy your reading 😊

The Memory Keeper Masterlist / Planet of the apes Masterlist

Gifs credit (1) & (2)

Your brain was about to collapse. Its cogs were running at full speed in an engine flooded by years of letting yourself sink. Reaching the bottom of the ocean and letting yourself be carried along by the sea currents, getting used to seeing nothing but the crushing blackness of the abyss. Getting the engine running again made the rusty nuts creak, and no matter how many times you jabbed the storm-shaken screws with a screwdriver, it felt as if every turn sheared through your temples.

And everything was suddenly too heavy. The weight of your head ended up in the palm of your hands as your fingers desperately tried to cling to the hairline that defined your forehead.

Your cogs floundered in the muddy sand of the seabed that had become your brain. A flooded, clogged and slimy wading pool that struggled to rid itself of the stagnant seaweed that had accumulated until it filtered out the slightest particle of emotion that dared to try and find its way back to the surface. Drowning in your own wading pool. In your own brain, so as not to see the immeasurable extent of the damage inflicted by the tidal wave that had left you shipwrecked.

Shipwrecked. Today, it was difficult to remember when the boat had capsized. Had it happened gradually? As each crew member fell overboard? One after the other. And despite the lifebuoys, despite the rafts, all you could do was watch them sink, helpless as the ocean slowly took what had always belonged to it.

Shipwrecked on a wandering ship, meant to stay afloat despite the shattered hull and torn sails. Sometimes you still wondered why the ocean had chosen never to come and get you. The one that decided to toss you around like a lost buoy in the middle of the blue vastness, the one that made you swallow water at will, knowing full well that salt water couldn't carry you off. The one that dragged you to the open sea with no promise of ever seeing the end of it. Now the ocean was offering you the chance to wash ashore on a white sandbank.

But how do you dock without a captain at the helm?

A broad hand came to rest on your shoulder, engulfing half your shoulder blade, and a few comforting taps pressed against your shoulder.

“How do you know his words?”

Raka. He seemed to have a better grasp of the concept of empathy than did his friend. But you couldn't blame Noa. Even you didn't know how to steer your boat. So to ask a near-stranger to trust you to navigate between waves and sea rocks and reach that sandbank…

And how could you dock without a captain at the helm?

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

The world was changing.

And the more you watched it burn away, the more you realized there was no one left. There was no one to tell the story. Radio, TV news, newspapers, books… no one would run them or write them. The human ability to convey an event around the world as we would slip a letter into a mailbox had gone to ashes when the virus had set humanity ablaze.

You no longer knew what the world was becoming, and only its progress could be observed directly through the lens of the camera you'd found in the ruins of a crumbling city center.

There was no one left to hold on to a lost humanity… except you. These history books, these tales of the years that modern society had never had the pleasure of exploring in its own lifetime, but only through the remnants that others recounted - in those historic eras of the birth of societies - were going to be the last. And the world you knew would eventually die in the memories of the few humans who would in turn die out without being able to ensure an offspring.

Only you would be left to remember this humanity. And if you dared to hope that the memories of the apes around you would be passed down through the generations, there was little hope that humans would live on in their memories and the tales you imagined would come to life around the rise of simian societies.

Perhaps that's what prompted you to bring back that camera. A Polaroid you knew would only last a year, or as long as you could find enough to keep it going between the batteries and photo paper it consumed with every click to capture an event, a group of apes fishing, or the sometimes gigantic wooden constructions rising several meters above your head.

Those pictures that were instantly printed would stay. They would tell the story. They would remember the time when humanity had been turned upside down and could not turn back. They would remember the new world that was being built under your admiring gaze. And they wouldn't forget. They wouldn't forget what the world had been, what humans had done and what the world was about to become.

It was important. You couldn't fully imagine how significant it was, but you'd been steeped in history classes and there was something comforting about knowing about a past you'd never witnessed. Perhaps because it was proof… the only proof of the existence of the past.

And if you'd been willing to give up the humanity you'd lived in, you weren't yet ready to forget its existence.

Through the lens, you could see the symbol made from pieces of wood hanging at the entrance to the village. A circle containing the shape of a four-pointed star. The symbol of Caesar, his words and the ideology he embodied. It was the kind of memory one shouldn't forget.

“Why… symbol?”

A sudden jolt.

Your finger pressed the button, completely out of focus on the image you'd just tried to center, and the click was followed by the distinctive sound of a photo printing. Your eyes turned for a second to the owner of the baritone voice as an amused sigh escaped your lips when you saw the blurred picture emerge from the polaroid.

“Because it's important.” You answered casually, a small smile on your face.

Caesar puffed through his nostrils, lips pursed in a brief upward movement as he tried to grasp the interest you had behind every picture you took. He'd seen it all before, thanks to Will. He knew humans liked that sort of thing even if it made no sense to him.

“It's important to remember.”

You went on, again looking into the lens to adjust the image of the symbol. This time, the photo came out clearly and the four-pointed star stood proudly in the center, the angle of the picture making it even more imposing than it was.

Caesar remained silent, his face eternally scowling, but you had a well-trained eye, you spotted a certain curiosity well hidden in the corner of his solemn gaze and you handed him the picture with a big smile.

“Long from now, the apes will be able to remember, thanks to this photo.” You carried on, lowering the camera to observe with your own eyes the life of the apes displayed in front of you.

Caesar listened carefully, and the ridge of his eyes hardened, puzzled by your words.

“Why… keep… the past?”

A very human notion, certainly. What's the point of remembering what yesterday was when today brings everything you need? And you seemed to be asking yourself the same question. Caesar didn't often see you with your eyebrows furrowed, your facial features slightly tense as your eyes sought a suitable answer to give him. Your hand went to the back of your neck to try and soothe the tension in your muscles, and he knew from this simple gesture that you were going to need time to build up a thought that you probably hadn't even considered yet.

You kept this attitude only in those moments when a simple question made you question again everything you were sure of, and Caesar took a certain pride in it. An ape making a human doubt. There was something exhilarating behind this feat. Even if you'd never seemed narrow-minded in your ideas, it was pleasant to see you reflect on a notion that seemed so obvious to you.

Humans were always like that. Sure of themselves and their beliefs. Confident that their values were the best, without questioning for a second their credibility or the nuances that might exist.

Why remember the past? What was the point of knowing about the advent of human societies? The horrors and destructive wars? The great names of men and women who have left their mark on history in one way or another? The great dates, whether of atrocity or freedom?

And beyond human history, and in the more mundane events of everyday life, what was the point of remembering our childhood home? Or that old aunt telling of her travels to the other side of the world? Or that birthday when nobody came?

Your fingers traveled to your wristband, tracing the outlines of the polished bone pieces under Caesar's gaze. If not for this wristband, or this lame hip, what would drive you to remember why Caesar and his kind had taken you under their wings? There was nothing else. Your body had forgotten the torture and pain. There was nothing tangible to prove the existence of abuse apart from that wristband and that hip. The brain was quick enough to forget what was of no use to it or what was too painful to remain in living memory. And if the brain forgot, if there was nothing to remind it to remember, how could one prove the existence of what had been?

And… why should one prove it?

“Because it existed… and… if we forget, how could we do any better?”

Caesar snorted, and you watched his eyes widen dubiously. Had humans done better? He wasn't very knowledgeable about humanity's past, and on second thought, maybe he wasn't interested enough: whatever had been, good or bad today, that's what was important.

“Humans… have they done better?”

Caesar was skeptical, and had every reason to be. On second glance, perhaps humans were doing worse today. The lesson was never learned, and the human was diving headfirst back into his bad habits, making sure to choke on them. This made you smile. His skepticism was right in spite of you, and you even suspected that he knew more about the human species than you did.

“No,” you answered with a giggle. “But apes might.”

There was a glimmer of hope in your eyes. The human cause was lost, and had been for a long time. Even before the virus had spread, humanity had already begun to dig its own grave. Beyond the wars and hatred, the Earth itself was rotting from the inside out under the impact of the human hand. It had only ever been a matter of time before humanity came to the end of its reign.

You weren't even sorry to see your species die out. You were only sorry that it was taking everything else with it.

There was a form of supplication in your eyes. Let the apes do better. Better than wars, better than hatred, better than the destruction of nature, better than the aggressive ambition of some men, better than… the human species in all its consequences.

Caesar raised his head proudly. He was sure of one thing: apes were, in all their consequences, better than humans.

“Apes… don't need… to remember… to do better.”

His gruff voice was adamant, and despite his assurance, a twinge of anxiety settled in the pit of your stomach. How could one do better if no one remembered what had been? You looked up at him, and couldn't help admiring the self-assured features Caesar wore on his face. Broad-shouldered and imposing, his chest puffed out in defiance of anyone who wished to argue with him, what would become of simian society if he were no longer present in the minds of the apes?

You saw it every day. All you had to do was say his name and the apes would bend their backs without batting an eyelid. But none were afraid of him. Caesar had earned the respect of his people because they knew how, thanks to him, they had won their freedom. They respected him and his words, because they remembered.

“In 300 years, don't you want to become the legend of Grumpy Caesar?”

Your gently teasing laugh was greeted by a grumble, probably offended by the nickname you kept harping into his ears, but for the benevolent smile that followed every time, Caesar could never take it the wrong way. It was you, and he'd learned that your words of affection sometimes resembled those teasing words. Those words always followed by a slight, playful shove of the back of your hand against his biceps as your lips stretched happily. He'd also noticed that this was the only time you dared to touch him. And that made him smile.

To become a legend, there was no such thing in the minds of the apes. When his body had breathed the last breath of oxygen that life would grant him, and the sun had decided to stop shining on him, the apes would find another sturdy branch on which to stand. This was how it was meant to be, and his name would become nothing more than the caress of the wind, forgotten once it had gone by.

“Too faraway, apes will forget.”

Caesar preferred to sign these words. Sign language always seemed to have a deeper meaning. When audible words didn't speak loud enough to resonate emotions swallowed up far beneath the ribcage, signs spoke with more truth. A truth that seemed very heavy to you.

The apes will forget. Perhaps that was the truest and saddest thing of all. His name will crumble in the memory of the apes like wood devoured by growing flames. And once the wood has shattered, it will simply lie in a pile of ashes, waiting for the breeze to carry it away and scatter it as it pleases until there's nothing left.

It was his truth. At least, if there was nothing to remind them of him. Your eyes fell on the camera hanging around your neck before settling back on Caesar. He was looking at his people the way he looked at his sons, and if that's all it took to save his name, whether he understood it or not, you'd immortalize the little stones that were building his empire as many times as he'd let you.

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An empire shaped like a ship to endure the years, and when it was the captain's turn to walk the plank to fulfill the ocean's call, the rudder had slipped into your hands. And you accepted it. You knew that sailing against wind and tide would be an arduous task. You knew it. And it seemed to you that you had fought well. Sails wide open to catch as much wind as possible and the remaining crew paddling hard against the pull of fallen anchors. The endeavor had been going on for a long time.

For so long.

For too long.

Every crew member was an anchor desperately dragged along by the ship you were trying to keep afloat until the mainsail gave way. The increasing weight and the fading wind had worn away the fabric until only the tatters floated scattered in the wind. And the boat that had sailed at full speed for so long found itself slowing down… more and more, until the natural swell of the blue vastness became its only driving force.

No matter whether you wanted to go to port or starboard, the ocean pushed the boat in the direction it thought best without ever consulting you, sometimes leading it into storms where the sea grew high above the masts. You often watched helplessly as the huge waves crashed over the deck, washing away the rubble that an earlier storm had caused, and soon, shipwreck would be bound to occur.

How long had you been at the helm before you let go? A rudder that had let you down long before you gave up. And how long had you just watched that rudder go from left to right at the mercy of the ocean without doing anything about it?

You weren’t sure how to act upon it. As natural as it had been in the past, navigating Caesar’s memory again across this ocean had become a mystery.

If time hadn’t run its best sprint, perhaps there would have been a time when explaining would have been easy.

But today…

Today, the sand bank on the horizon might just become a mere illusion.

Your glassy gaze fell on Raka as he watched your fingers run over the frame and brush against Caesar's image. Such a simple question demanded an equally simple answer. But was it really? Telling them that you'd known him would most certainly trigger a cataclysm that would turn your dilapidated ship upside down, and you were already lacking strength at the mere thought of having to put it back afloat. Swimming to the end of an endless journey was not in your plans, even if the countdown to impact was already ticking away in front of your eyes.

Raka's green eyes eventually found yours, and a series of soft hootings encouraged you to speak as you could only swallow as you spoke anxiously.

“ What about you… how do you know them?”

You watched his gaze slide from your eyes to Noa's, who was listening to your conversation with great interest. His curious stare dropped like a domino to the gauntlet on his left hand, and with a precise gesture, Noa pulled out a pendant crafted from what looked like white wood.

A pendant in the shape of…

“The order of Caesar, naturally!” Raka exclaimed as if it was an obvious fact.

A four-pointed star.

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[divinecrashingcourse]

1, 2, 3, 15... 16?

Mohg! 😋

Wowz it's been a long while mor…

Remember like, months ago I was like hey maybe I could and should? be more sociable etc.? Well no. Truthfully in the past trillion years I simply couldn't bring myself anywhere social without uh breaking down and that includes the web and I sort of needed to ration that energy for work if that makes sense at all.

Thank you very much for asking though, I really, really appreciate it. I had lots of fun writing up the answers so hope you have a fun read too and a beautiful day. Sorry for the delay and the long ass wall of text -

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

Cos even just appearing to be reasonable but romantic to the core would make a character shine like a bloody unicorn in the night sky in this heartless world that doesn't make any sense…? 

…and for so many other reasons but I have finally decided on…one of the main ones, lol. I really like that the lord of blood wasn’t an outcome of practising his biological ancestors’ belief and culture but his choice, his own identity unrelated to his familial relations assigned to him at birth. He was what he was, because he decided that way. A path defying the obvious consequences of his birth as well as Marika’s ultimate rights of ownership and control over him. 

A recurring theme it seems, within and outside of the lands between. Parents give children life. Children belong to parents for they owe the ultimate debt of life. Parents play God, acting as the highest authority and source of influence, the holy trinity of lawmaker, judge and executioner. Children have no voice, fearing the consequence of disobedience, hypnotising themselves into submission. False morals arise, to ease the sheer terror of being born. 

Then there's Mohg, who chose his own mother by merit, thus ditching the parental hierarchy sanctified by births and their power to define him and his kinships. Now for once, it was the child’s choice to be (re)born. It was the child’s wish to have a (new) life. A child who dared to forge a new identity, shape his own cultural and religious practice, and live by his truth. 

I think the implication from the great runes was he too rejected his rightful place in Leyndell and an opportunity to receive grace for he loved his mother in truth, just like Morgott who rejected his rights in ‘accursed’ blood and the formless mother's blessing out of his love for his mother in fact. Neither would be objectively better, but what would it have even taken, turning his back on the respect he deserved but stripped from him, the restoration he used to yearn for, the dreams from his younger years on the brink of coming true? So much pride. Such a fool, but so wise. 

Blood and bloodlines were and are universally used as tools of division but he didn't think of it, for his pride didn't stem from his lineage or his omen body. His kins were chosen, bound to him not by births of their flesh shells but by oaths. In a blood god’s temple, he was perhaps the most faithless priest, and the most faithful rationalist.

In this bizarre day and age, I've taken many moments in the soul crushing cope games in real life™ to think about him. He had a grasp on the core of existence that most failed to even start to comprehend. We are not goods, we are not trees. I think he knew.

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

His cutscene probably. The silent seconds he stood in front of the cocoon before he spoke. The way he reached up and said his final words (Ansbach had foreseen and accepted the risk of seeking lordship, he must have too. I like to think he's always prepared to die in a challenge someday, and ‘you must abide alone awhile’ was his goodbye to Miquella). So much emotion, displayed in such a controlled, dignified way.

I like that he emerged from the pool of blood as if he's being summoned. Then you could hear the neat little metallic sounds from the gold pieces on his armour when he moved, like wind chimes in a breeze, as if he’s in chains. 

I think it's pretty clear from his cutscene that he wasn’t desperate. This was someone who had been standing guard and fully determined to do so for another thousand years like no other, despite not having received any communications back. Look at how Thiollier behaved when he didn't hear from Trina. Whining and crying on the floor would’ve been very okay and adorable, but I do like that Mohg could deal with a devastating rejection calmly. 

So I'm actually glad they cut the why did you abandon me line, sorry! I just don't think it’s his style.

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

There isn't one so…not enough outfit changes to showcase his phd in fashion?? Like the omen illusion wouldn't be wearing the same attire as the lord of blood I don't think. Give that man some sorcerer’s robes, he had a secret identity.

Wouldn't it be so cool if he wore different clothes based on when you invaded his house?

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

Quite obviously Mohgmiq (Mohg/Miq-Trina?)...

Haha! I dread saying it out loud cos they seem to be everyone's least favourite ship nowadays. I'm weirdly super okay with that but I just can’t be arsed to defend my thesis again. Nonetheless it's actually quite important to me that they wanted each other (not saying it's necessarily (the cowardly, longevity-centered type of) ‘love’ by modern lawful salarymen standards hey), just like it's important to me that Miq and Trina were the same person, and it makes far more sense to me than other takes out there…fteuxiqgabk sorry if it's not okay. Sorry for my idiocy I can't help it. 

In a way Mohg was set up to be almost an inspiration? for Miquella, a pretty little taxidermied butterfly pinned down in their golden ancestry and flesh by…everyone, dreaming of rebirth. And you know, most special of those were all killed as soon as they emerged to preserve their unsullied appearance…or, 'nascent'…or, 'cursed to be forever young'... 

If there's one person aside from Malenia who could see past this form and love the monster laid beneath and understand their fever dreams of transcendence, it’s Mohg. Miq may oppose (not saying they must’ve) some of Mohg’s ways but no way they wouldn't have fallen for him. 

Pre-sote only saw Mohg’s side to this mess where he acted in a somewhat possessive way (as per popular belief, although i think it's very debatable whether ‘wanting your lover to be yours and yours alone’ is truly so condemnable instead of just, a fair sentiment? but I digress) and Miq’s side was, entirely missing. In sote we had a glimpse of Miq’s feeling towards Mohg, and hey wasn't it just equally bad if not…way worse? Enchanting him and refusing to let go even after being cleaved open by his *very reasonable and disciplined leader of knights who wouldn't have done this unless it was truly 10 steps too far*? Still not letting go after he has died? Preserving his dead body as a container for future consort’s soul, keeping it by their side forever and ever? Literally pushing the embodiment of their love/themselves down a cliff on their way through this stupid ass plan that was very disrespectful to him and would only become a constant reminder of their loss? 

It’s funny though if we took Mohg out of this story Miquella would’ve had much less fault. Ansbach was the biggest consequence of their actions coming back to bite them. They acted so selfishly and carelessly when it came to Mohg, so different from the person they tried to be for everyone else…you know, that's just what people do. People hurt the ones they feel safest around even if they are incapable of hurting anyone else, for they do believe they will be forgiven. People Always hurt their loved ones first. 

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Nah all ships for Mohg are good, even though I don't personally ship him with anyone else I'm happy to see him around in all sorts of scenarios. 

Given the chance I’d like and subscribe to Mohg/Miyazaki. And bless my gorgeous dynastic polycules with love!

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - June 1 (Happy Pride!)

rainbow hearts anon, chesh anon, midnights anon, willpower anon, friend crush anon

rainbow hearts anon

I'm doing pretty mediocre lately. Schools almost over so I'm excited for the summer of doing absolutely nothing because now all the state parks require id and reservations that my family cannot give so yay thank you american government. Honestly school hasn't been that bad just annoying and stressful lately but I had my last concert last week and I did better than expected and I just had fun like I didn't think of anything I just played the music and had a good time playing and my brothers gf even got me my favorite flowers and went with me and my family to chipotle so that was really fun. Good news: I talked to my mom about some of my problems with religion and she didn't push or like judge me or get mad or anything like that and it felt really good and lightening to relieve some of that hurt. I'm in this like weird state where I'm scared but ready and it's like I've prepared for the jump scare but at the end of the day it's still a jump scare yk. I'm really ready for hs and all the things I'll be able to have like new friends and more freedom to express myself. Also more good news, I've been feeling pretty good with not really sticking a label on me like before it felt like I needed that label to define me and my feelings but now I just feel like the labels only there to help me find other people who relate instead of being this thing that just pushes me down. I'm scared for lots of things rn but I feel like the last episode of season 1 of derry girls. Anyways yeah nice update and thank you for the advice for purple hair I will make sure to keep that in mind. 💚💛🤎🤍🩵💜🧡💙🩷🩶🖤❤️

Hi!

It sounds like a lot of things are changing for you right now and that can be scary and stressful. Remember though that as scary as change can be, it can end up being good! It's terrifying to try to embrace that unknown, but trust me when I say that high school is better than middle school (and college is even better than that). I'm here whenever you need to talk about this nervous feeling though, it's so valid!

___

chesh anon

Hi hon <3

My heart breaks for you right now, because I know you can't see it, but there are people out there who will love you just for YOU. Not a skinnier version of you, not a non-autistic version of you, but YOU. EXACTLY as you are. You deserve love as the person you are, because you are PERFECT as you are.

I am sending you all the virtual hugs I can. Have you been able to talk to anyone about needing help? You also deserve help, because you deserve happiness and love and support.

Sending love <3

___

midnights anon

Hi! Midnights anon here

And thank you so much for the answer to my last ask,

And also please don’t feel stressed about the 5 year plan thing! I’ll explain it again, dw 🫶

So, I was trying to get my life together so I figured I could do a 5 year plan every 5 years and this first year of highschool was just to survive and take care of myself mentally, and then build upon that for the rest of the 5 years, like Mazlovs hierarchy of needs and all that jazz

Year 2 was personal style and confidence in my body

Year 3 was interpersonal relationships

Year 4 and 5 I can’t remember off the top of my head but yeah that’s the general gist

But I through the year (year one) I’ve learned about some beliefs that I’ve held about myself that haven’t been very good, and after some self reflection, I think I put friendships and interpersonal relationships at years 3 because I still valued myself being “like a book/fanfic character”, who angsty and pushed away friendship… but I don’t want to be a 2 dimensional person anymore. And I think developing a good support system for me in real life is important.

My family and parents violate my boundaries all the time

And I feel awkward and stuff with my friends at school. I love them but I want to make friends outside of school, so I know that there’s someone out there, in the real big wide world that exists outside of the vacuum of day to day living (school, home, homework, sleep) who’s on my side.

I still think I’m definitely not ready for dating anyone but, I think it’d be a good idea to look for friends outside of school this summer

Thank you for listening! <3

(Btw tomorrow is my last day of school before exams and I am SPOOKED

Also ur amazing byeeeeeeee)

Hi!

Okay yes I'm caught up.

Yes, you're right, a support system is hugely important, and I think finding good friends is a great idea! The thing with building confidence is it doesn't always happen in a vacuum- you NEED that support system to do so. So yes, absolutely, making friends outside of school (as long as you're being safe) is a great idea!

Good luck on exams! I believe in you!

___

willpower anon

Hi <3

I hope you're doing okay now? It's okay to inbox me with this, even if you just need to vent or you need encouragement. I don't mind that at all! You're welcome to inbox me anytime, and you're NOT a bother <3

Have you been able to ask for help with this at all? I'm not mad if you haven't, I'm just curious.

___

friend crush anon

Hi Cas! Friend crush anon here!

I just wanted to give you an update on the situation: I told my friend I needed some time to think, and after A LOT of thinking I realised I’m probably aromantic. I’m not 100% sure tho cause I’m young and I might fall in love later but honestly the idea of being in love feels weird to me. Anyway I told them that and we’re still friends :)

Hi! I'm so glad you took time to really think about your feelings and be honest with your friend! And I'm SO glad it turned out okay! Great job being thoughtful!

[rahuratna]

Womanhood; Loss

TW: mentions of serious illness and surgery.

Today is Women's Day in my country. Yes, it's a celebration of women. It's also a day for us to pause and reflect on the rampant gender-based violence that plagues our society. It's a day to highlight the achievements of women, but also a day to remember what we achieved in spite of the challenges we face.

It's a day for us to receive colourful and creative cards and messages, maybe even flowers, but also a day for us to wonder whether today will be free of violence, of having to justify our most basic wishes and desires, of having to explain, for the hundredth time, our choices to people who refuse to understand them.

Will I catch a break today? I hope I do.

What makes me a woman? I've thought about that a lot too. I've lost my breasts due to a double mastectomy (with subsequent reconstruction). I've probably lost my ability to have children due to chemotherapy. Many tell me that those things are simply symbolic of being a woman, and they're right. These things don't define my identity. They don't define who I am.

So why? Why was it still so hard for me to deal with losing them? Why did I actually feel like less of a woman when I did not have them? Why was it depressing, soul crushing, even, to lose two mounds flesh and the ability to procreate (which I wasn't that keen on in the first place).

I'd like to step back from the torrent of emotions I felt at that stage, to paddle myself to the safe bank of detachment and watch things unfold from there. I could nod sagely to myself and say, well this is a product of society's conditioning. The media and centuries of literature and art are responsible for the way I feel right now, as if I've been robbed of something, when really, I haven't.

But I can't paddle myself to safety. I can't reach that safe area. I have to stand in the strongest part of the current, feel myself battered, torn, flung in one direction, then the next. I can't run away from the loss and pain I feel.

I began to recognise, after a while, what it was I was truly mourning. I was mourning my loss of choice. My loss of agency. Why had I lost this basic autonomy, to choose to have a child if I wanted to, to choose to pillow a lover's head against the real flesh of my breasts, to go to sleep at night with a feeling of peace, as I once did, without the spectre of my illness hanging over me, something that could return at any time and rob me of even more?

And I'm not alone. There are countless people who feel the same.

I am a woman. I am a human being. I have been lost, many, many times. I have dragged myself out of a darkness that threatens to consume everything I was, everything I am. I will continue to do so. I will scream it to the world, through the clothes I choose to wear, the food I choose to eat, the way I choose to wear my hair, the way I choose to work and support myself, the way I choose to create and disseminate my ideas to the world.

I am still able to write and express my thoughts.

Maybe next, I'll write an ode to my breasts, those small, pliant growths that budded so beautifully during my teenage years, that brought me so many awakenings, and betrayed me with a genetic defect they had no control over. I cut them away, so readily, but I can think of them fondly now. This too, is my choice.

I am still me. I have had much taken away, but I am still here, and I will leave my mark on the world.

[mangionebabymama]

AYYYYY i saw your comment on my ask to vershuacte (i am typing that from memory bc I’m on my phone so I’m sorry to my girl if I misspelled her url 😭) bro sometimes I feel soooo alone and behind because I’m 23 and have never had a bf. but also i know that having a bf is not necessary to a good life and i am very happy with all my platonic loves!!!! also i was a latchkey kid lmfao so I’m highly independent and just so used to being on my own and doing things on my own. So much so that it has lead to me being overly picky in romance bc if I don’t like everything about a man then I see no need for him in my life bc I’ve obviously been fine alone until now and I know I’ll continue to be fine. Anyways just sharing this in case you have any similar sentiments <3 or to see what your experience is (if you want to talk about it, that is, no pressure!) because sometimes it’s hard to find someone who understands the struggle

Hey twin!!!!

I'd love to talk about my experience here, and fair warning, I'm going to expand on a lot here, as I usually express myself in greater detail. However, if it helps someone who struggles to find others who also understand the struggle, it's all right here for you. Maybe even learn a brand new perspective from someone who has an entirely different experience than you. I'll add the "Keep reading" break so I don't clog up the timeline as people scroll through.

So yeah, I am also 23, soon to turn 24 in July, and like you, I have never had a boyfriend. I've never even been kissed, so all of the other "firsts" stipulations? Totally nonexistent and out the window for me, lol, and believe me, for years, I've always received the same shocked reactions and responses from people.

"omg you've never dated anybody??????"

"But you're so hot/gorgeous/beautiful/pretty!!!!!"

"What do you mean it just hasn't happened to you??????"

I understand that this is coming out of a place of good intentions, as people who tell me this mean generally well in saying that it is surprising for them, at least that I have no dating and romantic experiences because I have qualities in their opinions, that would be suitable and redeemable for someone looking for that in a potential partner, and there would I be there, waiting for them.

Yet, I have thought about posing this question: if you were to come across people that, perhaps, don't align with your idea of beauty standards and ideal of attractability and standards of personality and character, and they tell you that they have had dating experience, would you say it to their face that you wouldn't believe it's happened to them, because how your perception of them does not align with their actual experiences?

You probably wouldn't, because one, it's rude, lol. Second, we always focus on the things that haven't happened and seem lackluster and more important to achieve instead of the things that have actually happened, filled the gaps between, and more often than not, matter more and are the most important to ourselves over anything else.

Growing up, I never had actual instances of crushes on people - not "little innocent ones" on my friends in class, not even celebrities then. My first experience of a crush, to define one in my experience, was when I became a fangirl at the age of 12, and my first celebrity crush/infatuation was Eminem; looking back, I still find it funny how the first person I would ever feel such feelings would be someone who was entirely out of my age range and was the age of a parent (it's the foreshadowing of the daddy issues, but we'll get there).

Even in middle school, I didn't have crushes on people, which also went into high school. Nonetheless, it also probably didn't help when I was the only biracial girl in my grade and, therefore, one of the few only Black girls out of my predominantly small white rural school. I have also been overweight/plus-size/thicker/bigger/more muscular in size and built the majority of my life, and that also didn't help my case when the rest of my friend group were conventionally smaller and thinner than me. Even if my half-Whiteness brings me closer to proximity to white desirability, I am not the prime example of what some people think of what they think of mixed people, you know, the "exotic" fetishized look, but also, if you have a bit of any Black in you among a sea of European beauty standards? Nobody, especially little white boys, and teenagers is gonna look my way; to tell the truth, they didn't. Despite being a star athlete, an honor student, and a commonly well-known person in my community, I was the only one in my social group who went without having my first kiss, crush, boyfriend, and all during my high school experience. If I had a date to a school dance, it was either me going with a group of girlfriends, me going without a date among a group of friends that did, or going with my gay guy best friends as my date. It's also quite funny because, throughout my time at my high school, I was notoriously known to make the dances fun because I loved to dance and could dance well and was the life of the party—so, honestly, who wouldn't want me as their date? Y'all mfs missed out.

Now, do I wish I had that, looking back years later? God, no, because the guys at my high school? I'm good, luv, LOL. I remember then, my family would remind me, "You're intimidating, you're headstrong, boys don't know how to handle that." I get that, but what about people's point about how guys supposedly like confident, not-so-shy girls? Also, looking back, telling how a mixed Black girl is intimidating, assumingly strong, and too tough for guys to handle, specifically white guys? That's kind of a putdown, in a way, because it feeds into the "strong Black woman" trope, where it masculates Black girls and women, making them unapproachable to the opposite sex and defiant of the opposite gender. But typically, isn't it mostly during high school when those experiences start happening to you, as that's how it happens to everyone else in your life, in the movies and shows and in music? But with that, it taught me to live a life without male attention of any form, that I don't need it, and therefore don't want it. I learned how life can be a fulfilling time without garnering an iota of attention and affection from guys - and this is something that I am proud of obtaining because the process of unlearning the importance of male attention is psychologically tricky, especially in the realm of societal expectations and if, during your formative years, you had a bad experience with men of any kind.

So, college rolls around. I am still in college now, as I am going for my second Bachelor's, but this is when I was going for my first one, so this was my actual four-year college experience. I graduated high school in 2019, but I decided to take a gap year after graduating, as I became very ill with mononucleosis and battled the virus all my senior year. I officially started college in 2020; however, it wasn't much of a college experience since it was the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, and college was all online, depriving me of meeting new people and gathering new experiences in real life.

But that next year, when I moved to Arizona, 1400 miles away from home, being the one in my graduating class who went to school the farthest away from our hometown and attended one of the biggest college institutions in the nation by enrollment? I thrived. I made many friends and lifelong connections and found many social spaces and communities that I considered a new sense of home. I even joined multicultural Greek life and thrived even more on a greater level than before, which was more incredible than I could have imagined, in short.

And I did all that, along with other outstanding accomplishments and adventures, without ever meeting someone, having a crush, falling in love, or messing around with someone; meanwhile, this happened to mostly everyone else surrounding me unless these experiences had already happened to them.

So, is it just me that I don't prioritize romantic love, or could I be possibly aromantic or asexual—which I have been questioning for some time every so often since I graduated high school. I didn't know that there were such identities and that they existed on the LGBTQ+ spectrum until I started researching about them and reading about how a person may identify as such. I'll never forget the confirmation and the visibility I felt reading about how others felt not, hardly ever experiencing romantic attraction, let alone thinking and having the propensity to want to be in love and be desired by others and finding themselves crushing on people. Yet, I do experience attraction to people; I love admiring people, not solely for their looks, but for their aura and spirit. My beauty standards, I guess you could call them, are expansive and broad. I find beauty and the aesthetic in a lot of things. I do fantasize and think about sex, so this is where I often wonder if I am on the ace/aro spectrum or not. But also, this is where I still wonder: I may not regularly crush on people in real life, but I have my roster of dream men—my celebrity crushes, and you'll find me simping over them for the life of me, and how I'd do anything and everything to have them put me through a headboard. You get it. But also, if these celebrity crushes were actual people in real life that were attainable for me to talk to and pursue? I honestly doubt that I would even try and shoot my shot with them LMAO.

But in the same breath, I believe it's fuck men and fuck the patriarchy. I don't want male attention and validation. I know that, for a fact, that doesn't define me, and even if I captured it, it still harms me. I don't exist for the male gaze. In the last few years, I have learned to become more confident in myself and my body. I am not afraid to show love for myself - I'm not scared to post my body on my social media, and I like to express my confidence in any kind of clothing and be proud of my assets to encourage others to feel the same way. And when I do this, I do it for the girls, gays, they, and bad bitches—not men in any way. I hope that they don't come across me. And if I do, I'm heading the fuck out the other way.

Here, I think this is where it confuses people the most with how I mention that I've never dated because I possess enough evident sexual confidence and energy about myself as a woman that you would think that someone else would love that about me and that it would entice someone enough to pursue me. I would allow them to do that. But that doesn't always mean something automatically.

Like you, I am also very independent and self-sufficient. I am ambitious and fearless. I love being around people, but I also value my alone time, and I know how to keep myself occupied and entertained. I spend most of my time alone, and I do things alone, too, and I enjoy solitude. As I write this, let this be clear: I love the life I have created myself, the life that I imagine for myself, and I love what I have done in my life and cannot wait for more—all of this without ever being in love. I wish someone would tell me I haven't lived a life worth living because I haven't experienced romance yet. After all, that's far from the truth. And, of course, I have been gratified by many other fantastic forms of love that aren't romantic, and I love the feelings associated with those kinds of love. I am a Cancer, and I am passionate about the many things in my life that I care most about. If I love something, I will show you how hard I love it.

I'll be completely okay If I don't ever experience romance in my lifetime. I joke a lot about how I'll die as the Black Virgin Mary (but absolutely no kids for me, either!) For as long as I can remember, I haven't ever wanted to get married. I don't know if this partially stems from my parents not ever being married, having a problematic relationship, and not having a healthy relationship with my own dad. Still, it also doesn't seem like the prize for me. There are other things at the top of my list. It's not the end of the world if I never have romantic love because, at this rate if I keep living the life I have had so far without an ounce of it? I only hope that it continues for me. Let this fun live on. Yet, it's nagging how society keeps nagging me in my ear about being in love as typical and expected, and that because I haven't shown much interest or pursuit into it, I'm weird for not reaching there. It's alienating and gaslighting to tell me to live the life I want to live but also tell me I haven't lived it yet by doing certain things deemed the most important.

As you said, it can feel lonely and lacking. I don't mind being alone or going my own way. I wish I was not the only one living my truth in solitude and individuality, where it's frowned upon and shameful when it shouldn't be. Living a life reserved for yourself should be celebrated.

This was written in honor of this anon, so if you come across this, I hope this gave you the hug and assurance you deserved to know and feel. For me, this was honestly liberating and therapeutic to write. And anybody who reads all of this, thank you, you're welcome; you know all a big part of my personal life on the Internet LMAOOO (including the feds if they come across this and point to me for supporting an alleged ~terr0rist~).

But all in all, you're not as alone as you think you are. It's okay. Ultimately, it's about you, yourself, and all of you. That's the only person who matters the most. Love that person the most, above all.

[elimoskowitzs-wife]

if possible could you do like a friends-to-enemies-to-lovers for Eli/Hawk that would be dope🫶🏻 luv your writing btw

Hello this may be a bad one because I lost the book I write it in but you've been waiting for ages

Hawk x fem reader

Warnings-kissing, swearing, mentions of broken bones, crying, angst

Me eli and Demitri was best friends we always hung out then a new boy Miguel joined demitri was being his usual sarcastic self

A few days later Miguel got into a fight with the bully who bullied me eli and Demitri for years we never dared stand up to kyler

That night we went to the karate dojo Miguel gose too but the teacher sensei whatever he is made eli run out crying I went to his house and he wasn't there

The next day I gave the dojo another shot when eli walks in he had a mohawk

'eli what' I ask him confused and he spoke like a normal person not quiet 'I flipped the script what you like it' he was flirting in a way

A few months later after the all valley eli dyed his hair red with black roots and it did suit him but this wasn't the eli I knew

He turned into a bully I never expected that from eli sweet eli but he started being a jerk and he was bullying demitri

Eli was bullied why is he now being the bully? it won't make him better

Then I find out eli breaks demitris arm demitri called me crying I answered and whilst the people in the fight are at the hospital I see eli or hawk whatever he gose by it's a fucking joke

'eli what the fuck you broke demitris arm what is wrong with you he's your best friend this dojo is changing you what the fuck!' I shout at him

'he's a fucking nerd and so are you and it's hawk' he shouted at me

'You was fucking scared of me a few months back your being such a douche and I don't care if it's hawk your eli moskowitz not hawk your stupid haircut dosent define you' I shout

'yeah right and it dose I'm bad ass better than I've ever been and that's thanks to cobra kai if you stayed you'd be the same but your a pussy like demitri plus our little friendship is over' he snaps back

I take the necklace he gave me off for my birthday last year and i throw it at him walking off

I was at the larusso house with Sam demitri bert Chris mitch and Miguel. When there was a meow outside Bert thought there was a cat outside and he went to get it

The next thing we know berts been launched through the window. Hawk kyler and a few other cobra kais walk in then tory walks in

'heard you was throwing a party hope you don't mind we crash it' tory said

Everyone got in fighting stances anf a fight starts

Kyler got Miguel to a wall and whilst he was punching Miguel in the back where he had just started walking again from being paralysed hawk saved demitri I didn't know and I kicked kyler off Miguel

We all rush outside to the old pool house hawk comes with

'what are you following us for' I snap and Demitri explains he's on our side

A bit later hawks being nice I still don't buy it till we go to a party and I get drunk he takes me to his house

I woke up in his bed and he was laid on the ground a pillow and a blanket I tell him to lay in his bed and I'll sit on the ground and the second he laid down he was fast asleep as I went to move his arm flung around my waist

I got immediate butterflies... Am I starting to have feelings for him?

I don't belive myself but then I go home after a while and all I can think about is eli

After a while I accept that I have a crush on him and him and moon broke up so I ask him out

[our-oriented-aroace-experience]

I know I'm definitely 100% ace, but I'm not so sure about the aro part. I feel like I can see myself in a fulfilling romantic relationship, but, at the same time, I think I'd be good without one too. and I know that sounds pretty normal, but, I'm disconnected from the idea of romance itself too. what even is romantic attraction? I mean, I know what it is, but, how would you define it the same way you can define sexuality, and differentiate aces from allosexuals? I know I've felt it before, which means, if anything, I'm arospec, but, I'm not entirely sure when it started yk. I've never felt romantic attraction before becoming really good friends with the person, but, that's probably on everyone I know being either annoying or an asshole. I think I'm capable of developing crushes without knowing the person that well, so, probably not demiromantic. but maybe im recipromantic? I do remember the feelings getting considerably stronger after they were reciprocated. but, that could also be my attachment/abandonment issues. it wouldn't be a huge part of my identity either way, so, I'm not really freaking out about it- but I'd like to understand myself better. I know it's stupid asking a stranger for help regarding something only I can figure out, but, what do you think? am I arospec, an allo with issues, or is this related to being ace? should I just step aside and let time do its thing? do you know anyone who's gone through this sorta thing before who could maybe help? that's all, sorry for the rant; I just really needed to get it off my chest seeing as I've been suppressing these thoughts for a good two years now due to being a hopeless romantic as well. it's one thing being ace and trans, but a whole other thing also being arospec. I think I'm scared someone will find out and just assume I'm incapable of feeling romantic attraction. I'm not. I crave it, a little. I just don't actively seek it for a multitude of reasons. god, I hope I'm not actually as unlovable as I feel. anywho, have a good one <3

Am I arospec, an allo with issues, or is this related to being ace? Should I just step aside and let time do its thing?

I'm not sure. From what you wrote in your ask, it sounds like you're romance-indifferent. You may be arospec, or you may not be. Romance indifference is related to aromanticism, but is still its own thing.

I don't know if you already figured it out by the time I post this, but I personally let time do its thing when I was figuring out I was aromantic. Things happened and one day, it just clicked for me. (You're your own person though - do what you think will work best for you.)

Do you know anyone who's gone through this sorta thing before who could maybe help?

I don't know anyone who's gone through this, but if any of my followers want to chime in, then feel free to!

(I don't have much else to add)

[nucleo-bang-tan]

ITS BEEN HECTICCC

In the meantime, I got into college, moved to a dorm, moved back home (it's not really that far from my college), cut off and lost some toxic friends.

I have been struggling, not gonna lie. New people, new places, a small town girl trying to act like the rich city girls. It's been 5 months since I started college, and I haven't found a friend yet. Everyone probably thinks I'm lame and idk poor?

But their thoughts don't define me, right? Right?

It's been really bad but I'm glad I got 2 friends to talk to. We barely even meet, but hey, we still are close af.

I know I'm still a kid, but I've been lonely for so long, I'm tired. Living at my house (not a home) isn't peaceful or comforting, it's just chaotic and triggering. They try to act like it's alright, nothing ever happened... but the 9-year old me still remembers it. My inner child claws at my insides to be freed, to be happy.

I remember the days I was called gifted, a prodigy and what not. I remember how lonely I was even back then. I was never allowed to leave my house or even have friends. I remember, I was 10 or 11, and I asked my parents for a bike, I wouldn't ride it outside, maybe just in the yard. They refused because they thought I'd run away with someone.

I remember I was taken out for a walk in the yard like I was a dog. Mom never let me out of her sight, fearing I'd run away. Which is valid because all throughout my childhood and even now, I feel like running away.

My parents were paranoid, not in a way that's appropriate for a child. I remember the accusations, the slut shaming, the everything. And for what? For wearing shorts INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE? For simply talking to my male music teacher and being his favourite? For talking to my male cousins? FOR BEING CLOSE TO MY BROTHER?

I don't feel safe in my own home, I don't feel safe in my own skin. It hurts to just be.

Maybe that's why I stopped trying. I was never appreciated. Heck, I won national level awards and was never even congratulated by my own parents, they wanted more. They cared, yes. But they cared too much.

I was never ever good enough to be their child. They had issues with the way I talked, walked, slept, sat, stood, every fucking thing. It's so shitty to not be able to cry without being called a sympathy/attention seeker by your dad.

This rant was just a grain of sand in the sandbox of reasons I don't wanna live in my home.

There's ed, addictions, physical and mental health issues & abuse, sa, infidelity, sh and just borderline psych ward worthy acts in this family, but I still find myself trying to prove myself for them.

Why am I writing this? For my future self. For others who can relate to me.

But you got yourself, right? The only person you'll ever need? You got your delusional boyfriend, your anime crushes and that one celebrity you're way too obsessed with are there as your coping mechanisms.

Man, being lonely sucks ass

Like fuck, I do care about what you think, I do let it define me, I do change myself to fit into your visions.

But maybe someday, you'll find your own little paradise in a guy or a girl. They'll be your everything, your soul, your breath.

Maybe you'll find happiness. So I'd keep living. Not for myself, no. I don't have enough self esteem or respect for that. But maybe to prove them wrong? AND to someday find that someone who makes me want to be alive.

You're worth everything. You're not leaving, not yet. So big WOMP that you don't wanna live, shut it.

It was not your fault!

It was not your fault!!

It was not your fault!!!

It was not your fault!!!!

It was not your fucking fault!!!!!

[eryiss]

[Fraxus] Multifaceted- Part 4

Or: The 5 Times Laxus Learned of a New Skill Freed Possessed, & The 1 Time He Fell Victim To Them

Summary: For the rest of the world, it had been seven years. For the members of Fairy Tail it had all been in the blink of an eye. But, for Laxus, that was more than enough time for his closest friend to seem like an entirely new person. This self assured, competent Freed was something new to Laxus, and he found himself enjoying it. Perhaps a little too much… Note: Laxus' feelings have started to grow, so it’s horny time. This has some sexual content, so only read if you want it. Links: Ao3, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

4: DIY

Freed had his shirt off, and he was sweating. Wonderful.

Laxus' growing attraction to Freed had been a slow and steady thing. Freed, since Laxus had returned to the guild, had proven himself to be more open with himself, less willing to hide his emotions and smother his smiles. His openness had allowed him to be more himself than he ever had been before, which was why Laxus had been privy to the slew of talents Freed apparently had.

That had all been fine. He'd always had a competency kink - not his preferred phrasing, but it was true nonetheless - and Freed was showing himself to be more and more competent by the day. And yes, he was handsome, but that wasn't new. This weird little crush Laxus had been harbouring was going to die away eventually.

Except Freed was shirtless and sweating, and in their bed.

What the hell was Laxus meant to do with that? Intellectually, he was aware Freed had a good body. His job required athleticism, and if his dancing abilities were anything to go by, he was incredibly fit. But knowing something and seeing something first hand was entirely different.

The damn man was shredded. He had abs that looked to be cut from steel, yet not with the same bulk that Laxus had. Freed's muscles were well defined, but housed in a perfectly slight body; like he wasn't intending to have a killer six pack, and yet he'd ended up with one anyway. His pecs were firm, yet not overly pronounced, and his nipples small yet demanding of attention. His hip bones were sharp and led temptingly downwards.

For a moment - one mad, ridiculous, lousy moment - Laxus considered dropping to his knees. Just for a second. Just to see what happened. Just to look up at Freed as he unbuttoned his fly and pulled out his-

The asshole was drinking, too. Cold looking water that dripped down his jaw and down his throat. Because, evidently, he wanted to kill Laxus.

"Hey," Laxus found himself saying. It was for the best, better than being found staring anyway. "You working out here now or something?"

Freed lowered his water bottle, frowning for a moment. Then he looked down himself and chuckled. "I've decided to be somewhat more proactive about our living situation."

Laxus wanted to say that if shirtless Freed was staying around, their living situation had been improved considerably, but he didn't. Instead, he said "By covering the sheets in your sweat?"

"It's my turn with the bed, and I'll wash them before you use them," Freed dismissed, standing up and walking past Laxus. He glowed in the light, and Laxus watched him go. Dear god, his back was perfect. There was a lack of scratches, but Laxus would amend that if given the chance. He shook the thought away, adjusted the slightly growing bulge between his legs, and followed Freed as he started up talking again. "I'm sick of the radiator not turning off, so I decided I would fix it myself. Once that was done, I was in the mind to fix other things, so I've spent the afternoon working around the house."

Laxus glanced around. He should have noticed before, really, but there were many little differences. The table and chairs were all now even legged, there were shelves screwed into the wall over the kitchen counters, and the door had opened easier and without a squeak.

Another thing Freed was good at, then. Wonderful. Another thing for Laxus to digest and obsess over when his mind wondered. He certainly had been lacking in that for the past few months of living with him…

"Wow," Laxus mused, then frowned. "If you fixed the radiator, why's it so hot in here?"

"Oh, after I fixed it, it got considerably worse. Hence, this," he gestured to his sweating, rippling torso. Was he flexing, or did his abs just look like that? "Turns out, I'm not too good with radiators. I'm terribly good at handling wood, though, so it balances out."

He must have known the innuendo he just said. He must have!

"So we live in a sauna now?"

"No. I've contacted the landlord."

"That didn't work before."

"Yes, well, this time I threatened him. He's coming tomorrow."

"You threatened him?"

"With castration."

"Freed!"

"Blunt force, using a hammer, to be specific," Freed hefted a hammer and ran his finger against the nail removing end. His grin was twisted, and Laxus gaped at him. "Calm down. I almost definitely wouldn't do anything."

"I'm not liking the almost there," Laxus grumbled.

Freed laughed, and Laxus all but groaned. There must have been something wrong with him, because finding a man threatening another man with brutal castration should not have been anything close to a turn on. Yet, for the second time, Laxus found himself shifting his stance so there was nothing conspicuous happening below the belt.

He watched as Freed crouched down, fiddling with a mess of wood which, upon further inspection looked to be a half built coffee table, upturned and unvarnished. Laxus had been complaining about not having anywhere to place his mugs and rest his feet. Now, Freed was making one for him.

The urge came back. Not to kneel, this time, but to haul him up and push him against a wall.

God fucking dammit. This was ridiculous.

But not ridiculous enough, apparently, because as Laxus found himself unable to look away from Freed - who had picked up a saw now, which made his shoulder blades shift and his biceps flex unfairly - Cana walked in. How she had even found out where they were living, Laxus didn't know.

"Hey man, your grandpa said he wants to-" she cut herself off, watching the room for a moment, then turning to Laxus, then bursting into laughter.

Both Laxus and Freed turned to her. Laxus had so much venom in his gaze that anyone with any sense of self preservation would run for the hills, but Cana didn't seem even remotely affected. Freed, in turn, had narrowed his eyes slightly and was staring her down.

"Is that at my expense?" He asked, calm but threatening.

"Nah man, it's at the blonde's."

"Very well, continue," Freed hummed, then turned back to his work.

Cana beamed, looked back to Laxus, then burst out laughing again. Laxus grabbed her by the arm, yanked her out of the apartment, and slammed the door closed behind them. Cana's laughter got even louder, and seemed never ending. Eventually Laxus got sick of hearing it, and sent a small shock into her elbow, which cut off her laughter and she glared at him.

"Was that necessary?"

"Was the laughing necessary?"

"Oh yeah, totally," She grinned, nudging him. "Come on, you'd laugh if it weren't happening to you."

"Oh shut up," He snapped.

Of course, this was his own fault. Everyone knew you didn't drink to the same levels as Cana and get away unscathed. Laxus had been feeling cocky and matched her drink for drink, and ended up spilling everything that was going on with his weird growing feelings towards Freed. During the conversation, he realised he'd found Freed hot for the last few years, but hadn't let himself come to terms with it. He stupidly voiced that, and Cana hadn't let it go.

To her credit, she hadn't told a soul. Previously that had gotten her a lot of respect in Laxus' mind, but all of that went away when she spoke again. "You literally walked into a porno situation with the guy you wanna fuck! That's funny!"

"No it's not."

"Trust me, it is," she laughed. "You gonna do it? Get his sword in your scabbard?"

"Tell me what you want and then leave."

"Oh, you wanna fill your scabbard without waiting then," she cackled at her own joke. Lightning flickered off Laxus' skin. "Fine. Your grandad wants to see you tomorrow, something about mission logs. I didn't really listen."

"Great. Leave."

"Sure," She shrugged, then patted him on the shoulder. "Enjoy the cold shower, dude."

"Get out," Laxus growled. Cana did as she was told.

Laxus faced the door to his apartment for a moment, then opened it and forced himself to go in. Cana was an ass, but she was right about one thing. A cold shower was the right thing to do. He made sure not to look in Freed's direction - who knew what he would be doing now - and flippantly said that he was going to take a shower while it was vacant. He almost got through it unscathed, if it weren't for the words that followed.

"Okay, I'll have one after you."

Of course, a torrent of images struck Laxus' suddenly overactive imagination. Freed, naked and lathering himself up under the spray of the shower they shared. Would his cock plump up? Would he tug and rub at it? Would he brace himself against the tiles the same way Laxus did?

His hand hovered over the temperature dial of the shower. He should turn it all the way down, freeze off the horny daze and have done with it. That was the right thing to do.

He didn't. He left it at the steaming temperature, stripped off, grabbed his hard, hefty cock and switched on the shower. Indulging in a fantasy where Freed joined him, controlling and strong and wonderful, he start to pump his cock, eyes flittering shut with pleasure as arousal flooded him,

Fuck, this was a step too far, but as he imagined Freed on his knees, he didn't care.

[fifteensjukebox]

tagged-ish by dani @elizabeth-mitchells

favorite movie: i truly got stuck on my late middle school favourite of scott pilgrim? like i haven't been able to define a different favourite movie since and i fear if i try i'll end up listing soooo many

favorite tv show: person of interest or leverage probably... also doctor who at the insistence of late middle school me but also present-day me

favorite musical artist: biiiig question.... probably metric followed by the kills and paramore? (slash their lead singers' other/solo projects <3)

favorite color: mint/turquoise or purple

favorite season: spring!! i hate hot weather but i hate being cold or carrying a big coat more so sweata weatha is the one for me

favorite book: to quote lizzie olsen i don't read benedict. no but seriously i need to read more books/audiobooks instead of just podcasts and fic... the last book i loved (even better in audio form w the author's beautiful irish accent) is out of love by hazel hayes. her new book is out but not on audio on the library so i need to convince myself to buy it

do you have any funko pops? no but i have been tempted they are very cute

do you play any instruments? played piano as a kid but it didn't really stick, played recorder and clarinet in school and i probably still could if i wanted to? started guitar after and definitely still could if i wanted to but im almost exclusively a chords girl. also i never learned to read music i got by for 3 years of middle school band (even made it to second chair clarinet for a bit) playing by ear...... i think so often about my high school guitar class when i had to ask my group (including cooper who ive mentioned had a crush on me) to tell me what chords the sheet music said for our performance near the end of the year... and now im thinking about the time i drove a group of our friends to the park after an exam and i had to have cooper fill up my car at the gas station bc i had been a licensed driver for a month but it had never come up somehow fjsksksj truly insane considering my parents' car tht i was driving then is Not fuel efficient

do you have any pets? no i've always wanted a cat but i fear i don't want a chaotic little guy in my house there's enough chaos in and around me :(

do you read or write fan fiction? i read so much and i haven't written but technically i do have three wild ideas all of which i've mentioned in tags and am interested lately it's hard to even read fic with my constant headaches so.... open to being encouraged to try though i do love my silly little ideas...

what songs have you had on repeat recently? divorce by housewife (and that whole ep), who's afraid of little old me by taylor swift (ginger's wicked fic inspired me yesterday), and popular from wicked (movie version) but i haven't ended to actually play it because it's just in my head 24/7

tagging whoever wants to do this plus the wonderful ginger @redheadedbrunette

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

Recently I've been reevaluating my queerness and what it means for me, and it's a really weird and kind of uncomfortable experience.

Everyone always says labels don't define you, they describe you--when your experience changes, the way you "identify" also can change to reflect that. But it's scary to think, "hey, the way I've understood myself and my experience is fundamentally shifting," and losing the sense of stability that comes with having a familiar word to reference.

Over the summer, I dated (!) a guy (!!!!!), which I never had seriously believed would happen--and I actually had romantic feelings for him. I'm pretty sure I felt that way before we were officially together, so I've also now had a crush. Can I describe the difference between that and what I've felt before? Not really, which is also confusing.

But a huge part of the way I've seen myself over the years has been as aromantic as well as asexual. I have an aro ring that I wear every day, along with my ace ring. Knowing what I could and couldn't experience helped me set realistic expectations for what I would be like in a relationship, and was an important part of how I saw my relationship with my QPP.

And now I'm like, well, can I develop romantic feelings for other people? Was this a one-time thing? Was my ability to do that contingent on the fact that it turned out he wasn't actually attracted to women (oh the irony) and therefore I felt utterly unthreatened by him? If I want to date other people, because I would like to be married someday, what am I supposed to tell them about how I function and what they can expect? What can I even expect?

It's overwhelming and so I haven't thought about it much. If I try to frame it positively, I can take some benefit from thinking romantic connection might be easier for me than I'd thought (as in, it turns out to be possible); but without that intentional shift in my thinking, I'm just left with a giant question mark as to what my future relationships will look like--which is bad, because if I don't know what I'm comfortable with in a relationship, I can't establish healthy boundaries. Maybe part of a relationship is experiencing those new things together and working it out as you go...but I also have trust issues and can't imagine conventionally dating someone (e.g. not establishing a strong friendship first) and being able to trust that they won't take advantage of me in some way.

And now even my familiar words don't feel quite right. I still think of myself as associated with aromanticism, but I no longer describe myself that way to other people--I'll generally say I'm queer and then explain a little more without using specific terms. And I know I'm ace, but it's less important to me than it used to be.

I thought feeling more "normal" would be a good thing; it actually just makes me feel weirder.

I'm just hoping that as I continue learning more about myself, I can accept whatever I find out. I want to embrace the uncertainty along the way. It's just hard. Ya know?

[ikusayu-no-hana]

chougiwame (includes delusions//

good-natured smiling??? on god???? how did he learn to use his facial muscles like that

he only has one garter thing now (booo!)

this part reminds me of kasens armour and just fits w the dynamics i have for them, namely that kasen is chougi's object of admiration/respect/maybe-crush (ty jiden) and so on some level he wants to emulate him and his elegance. its cute they sorta match now

are these irises? im shit at flower names

letters!

'You ended up sending me out, so I guess I've got no choice. I could take the occasion and kill a mountain crone. What do you think?'

it was presumed that manba's epithet came from yamanbagiri chougi bc duh. but: the tokugawa museum solely labels his blade as 本作長義, and the name registered under the Important Cultural Property is the inscription on his tang - the same inscription that kunihiro made later on. its so ironic that chougi's remembrance is all thanks to the smith whose sword would go on to outshine the original. chougi represents the odyssey of reconciling historical and personal dissonance.

hence this sarcastic, self-deprecating letter. to doubly baptize himself as yamanbagiri in order to set the record straight, even though it's impossible this late, even though the tableau of manba and chougi revolves around the dilemma of the original being defined by the replica, is so typically chougi. who really killed the yamanba first? maybe it really was him. maybe it was manba, who later lost his memories in the kanto earthquake. manba has made it obvious he doesnt care ("the legends told by men are always ambiguous"), and chougi must decide whether he does.

also, no greeting. feels like a text.

I feel I can't get the recognition I deserve no matter where I go. ...No, I suppose there is one person I do have in mind.

this is what truly interests me in chougi as a character. and he finally admits it in his own words - he's starved for recognition. this, despite his designation as an important cultural property (iirc manba and chougi are the only instance of a sword and its replica both being designated imp cultural properties). i don't think he'll ever get over that defining shock of his life where manba manifested before him, because that's impacted his own standards of performance, has made him a perfectionst. and so because everyone, even the government and saniwa, has seen and cherished manba first, there is only one place he can truly return to for recognition. ive read some fusetters that think it might be akinaga or ujimasa but i think it's his creator, nagayoshi. i think that and only that could truly and finally comfort him.

The peerless masterpiece smithed by Chougi, that's me. First came the masterpiece sword, then there were humans whose hearts went out to it, and copied that masterpiece. That's all there is to it. Since I came to the Citadel, I've been observing your movements. I asked myself whether you, as protector of history, as someone who wields Touken Danshi, were a human worthy of being such. My inspection has finished. To Master, I have one request I want to make of you. If I ever fall low enough to grow dull, break me right away. After all, the sword who will give you everything has to be me.

it is easier to be kind to the visibly wounded person who strives to rouse his self-worth, but chougi had to quietly grapple with that idea of being a less-than-ideal victim of his own complex, and come to his own conclusion - thankfully the same as that of manba's. his name is only part of who he is.

I like the theory that chougi observing the saniwa was a directive given by the government, rather than mere personal curiosity. six long years of inspection. it isnt really that outlandish i think bc hakusan pretty much confirms they keep a keen eye on the saniwa, his fox being one method of doing so.

and a random theory i have that ties in to the one above: since it's the first ever time chougi addresses the saniwa as 主, i think it has some significance beyond his acceptance of the saniwa. since his previous letters are sent without a greeting i think he knew that the government would be able to take a look at what he was writing, and so theyre all sarcastic and distant and irreverent. his last letter (before the greeting) is just about his inspection. but (and this is unfounded) i think the simple fact that at the end of his third letter he Does address the saniwa, means in some way its only meant for the saniwa's eyes, and not to keep up the ruse for the government. simply because its the most passionate thing he has expressed in relation to the saniwa. maybe swords manifested at the government arent meant to develop strong attachments to the saniwa at all. and so maybe he added some sort of secret panel to the letter before sending it that the government couldnt detect, but the saniwa could. maybe 'to the master' is a sort of magic enchantment itself.

anyway. just my interpretation. the time government can be a little sinister as a treat.

he's more comfortable being sarcastic w the saniwa now i like this i really like this. i wish theyd have given us a recollection w kiwame manba too tho.

btw kiwame manba responds the same way as kiwame chougi on being appointed as team captain. okayyyyy blowjob brothers.

I am disappointed that there was no mention of chougi's shortening from a tachi/ootachi. he used to be something else. maybe he remembers that existence and feels strange in the presence of the longer swords. maybe hes forgotten it but in that case i wouldve liked a mention of his disorientation with that part of his legend (like manba had in his journey). oh well i guess canon cant address all the legends.