#thats probably why i had a trauma dream last night also

[aropride]

i have had the nagging feeling that august 20th is supposed to mean something to me since midnight today and i cant figure out what im forgetting

[hecksupremechips]

Ooooooghhhhhhhhh stressed 🥺

[inkdemonapologist]

scribbles from Session 2 of the current Bendy Call of Cthulhu game, where everyone’s having a normal one!!!

After an actually very pleasant evening meal (there was cake!), things got weird fast,

Joey started “talking to himself” in his empty hotel room but got evasive and weird and physically shoved everyone out when the others went to demand an explanation 

Sammy tried to sleepwalk into traffic, completely entranced by Those Weird Symbols which apparently “feel like ink,” and got real Prophety for a bit when the others woke him up

Joey got him to chill out by calling after him in two voices at once (?!?!?)

After Sammy finally came to his sense and we all went back to get a little sleep, Joey finally showed us why he’s been so intent on wearing a hat everywhere lately and explained that hE IS POSSESSED BY BENDY CURRENTLY, so that Bendy could get some help remaining stable and come on the trip with us, WHICH IS, FINE. Just let eldritch horrors possess your mortal form that’s fine. Also Bendy needs a regular supply of ink to remain stable, so Joey’s been drinking ink, which is, also fine,

Anyway here’s some contextless quotes under the readmore:

[Sammy is played by me, Joey is played by Boo (inkyvendingmachine), Henry is played by Maf (inkcryptid), Jack is played by Mochi (whatyouwantedmetosee)and Thren (haunted-hijinxer) is our GM!]

[Sammy] So yeah, if you roll under a 5 on a d100, then Jack has SOMEHOW seen this occult symbol before. [Jack] Y'know, I'm gonna roll, just because it'd be REALLY funny if he succeeded. [Henry] Yeah! You can do it, Jack! [Jack] oH MY GOODNESS [Sammy]....what did you roll, [Jack] I roLLED A FOUR,,, [Sammy] Jack I JUST told you not to look at symbols what are you DOING

[Jack] He just used to have an ex who was really into the occult, it's fine -- [Sammy] (his name is Joey Drew,)

[GM] The location of the body is about 30 feet from the nearest building. [Sammy] Ah. So he fell out of the SKY. [GM] Unless he was a very impressive long jumper!

[Joey] Joey did not get candles because it seemed... a bit unfortunate that Bendy was not able to join us -- [Sammy] Sammy doesn't care. [Joey] -- but we can still celebrate -- [Sammy] He's here for cake.

[GM] Is everybody drinking responsibly this time? [Henry] Well Henry's not stuffing four drinks down himself if that's what you're asking!!

[Sammy] There's gotta be at least ONE nice thing about this trip. [Sammy] And it's this cake. That's it.

[Henry] Henry might try to get that book from Joey -- [Joey] Which book? [Henry] The yellow symbol one. [Joey] Um, Joey's gonna hold onto the one with the weird symbol on the cover, because he hasn't had a chance to cover up the symbol and he wants to do that first, but if Henry wants to look at Alice in Wonderland, he can have that one! [Henry] ...maybe tomorrow. [Joey] Joey seems ofFENDED at this.

[Sammy] That's the best roll I'll ever have in this entire scenario. [Henry] Sammy's listening very hard. [Sammy] Sammy's trying to sleep, therefore he hears Every Noise.

[Joey] It was the first night that Joey took Jack out to a dinner to kind of, y'know, spoil him, [Joey] a Thanks For Not Being Super Weird About Our Occult Stuff And Sorry You Got Dragged Into This dinner,

[Sammy] Sammy's not TRYING to be handsome, he's just accidentally really hot.

[Joey, the lowest physical stats of the whole group] He's going to more desperately try to just like, shove them out the door I guess!!! [Sammy, the highest physical stats of the whole group] Yeah! Give that a shot! SEE HOW THAT GOES

[GM] Henry swears he saw a third hand shoving Sammy out the door. [Henry] *uncertain* ......we know how many hands Joey has, right?

[Sammy] I was going to suggest that he's possessed, but... that's not a symptom I'm familiar with. [Henry] I'm pretty sure I didn't get extra limbs last time. [GM] (He just THOUGHT he did!) [Henry] (Well, he thought he was three whole people.) [Joey] (THATS SO MANY LIMBS!!)

[Sammy] I want an explanation. [Joey] *innocently* For what? [Sammy] The list grows longer!

[Henry] You know what happened last time you hid stuff from us, Joey... please... try to be smart, [Sammy] .............. (we know it's hard for you,)

[Sammy, explaining to Jack] ...I mentioned dying, in Haiti, [Henry] Oh, we're going into this, then, okay-- [Sammy] *muttering* You’re the one who brought up being possessed, [Sammy] Joey and I were possessing Henry for a significant portion of the trip. [Henry] For longer than the trip itself! [Sammy] well i wasn't going to go into THAT, [Henry] Well I-- uh-- I-- ...I should shush.

[Jack] So what do I have to roll to see how well Jack processes this? [Joey] How many nightmares do you have tonight? [GM] *cheerfully opening Weird Dream files* At least one!

[GM] You could make a Brawl check to hold on, if you're trying to make sure Sammy doesn't walk away from you. [Sammy] Brawl Check: Just Deck 'Im. [Henry] Henry will try! [Sammy] ....he's gonna try to deck him????

[GM] I feel like this might apply to the Charm skill, because you're a good... cajoler of Sammies, [Jack] *laughing* I'm actually SLIGHTLY BETTER at Persuade, because I'm down to 69 Charm for the joke!!

[Joey] But Joey's going to say it with two voices at once. [Sammy] HMMMMMMMMMMM,,, [Henry] eXCUSE ME? [Jack] Is Jack the only one here who doesn't have someone else in his head?! [Henry] Well Henry doesn't currently, [Jack] Give him five minutes.

[Joey] I think Joey's actually probably going to crack open that book now. [Jack] I honestly thought you were going to say "a drink" [Jack] Crack open a cold one with the son boy

[Jack] Jack is going to do all of the motions of going to bed except for the one part that's the most important.

[Sammy] The rest of us will go down and meet with Peter. [Sammy] Oh -- no, just realised, Sammy would call him "Pete" because he doesn't know that nicknames aren't transitive.

[Sammy] What IS it with people in masks??? [GM] ..................says Sammy,

[Sammy] All we've learned is that Trenchcoat Guy is super suspicious! Big shocker, I know.

[Jack] Jack is going to respond with a very eloquent, "UHHHHH,,,,"

[GM] You probably would get a Bendy voice popping up at that point saying "Joey's not actually drinking it, I am!" [Henry] Oh, hey Bendy. [GM] He maybe borrows a hand to wave. [Henry] (HOW'S IT FEEL, JOEY!!!!)

[Jack] I also had a hunch about the horns once it became more apparent that Joey was very specifically trying to keep a hat on all the time. [Jack] But very briefly, when he was like "and he takes his hat off to reveal--" my brain was like, what if it isn't horns, what if there's just a very small Lurker, [Sammy] Just pulling on his hair like Ratatouille,

[GM] Jack is pretty sure that whoever wrote this play wrote it to induce paranoia and mental distress. It seems baked in. [Henry] Well it's working on Henry! Henry wants to go home!

[Jack] #JustWorkingAtJDSThings

[GM] Make some sort of persuade-type roll! [Sammy] My... my only one is Intimidate, so that's what I'm using! [Jack] oH BOY [Jack] what do I roll to stop Sammy from whatever he's about to say?!

[Jack] Everyone else better be on their best behaviour! [Joey] Joey puts away his lockpicks for now.

[GM] You do see a microfilm machine, which is quite large at this point in time, [Jack] Not very micro, then,

[Jack] See if his Prophet senses are tingling! [Sammy] THATS THE OTHER GUY

[GM] It's kind of remarkable how little there is that talks about this guy's personal life in his desk! [Joey] There's no, like, locked drawers or anything? [Jack] No copy of his autobiography, talking about how gay he is?

[Jack] He's not going to mess with things. He's a polite boy. [Sammy] The rude boys have left the building. [GM] Only polite boys left!

[GM] It surely would never happen again! [Jack] One-of-a-kind, one-time-only, completely exclusive, if you didn't go you'll never get the fancy new shirt, [Jack] Hashtag I Was At The Cult Police Raid And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt And Put In An Asylum

[Sammy] Well, now we can have some new trauma! We've had time to process this trauma, we're ready for more; that's how it works, right? [GM] That's good, because you need to roll Sanity checks for those dreams!

[simp-for-mha-men]

𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕦𝕔𝕜 𝕓𝕪 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕖𝕝𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕣𝕚𝕔 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 (𝕜𝕒𝕥𝕤𝕦𝕜𝕚 𝕓𝕒𝕜𝕦𝕘𝕠𝕦 𝕩 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕖𝕣)

Request by @number1bakuhoe: can i request one for bakugou? n do yk that tiktok trend where in u kiss ur best friend but instead can it be thats how they reveal their relationship to the rest of the class?? ty💗💗

A/N: This is my dream. I had this thought and disregarded it, but this icon brought it back to my attention! I hope you all enjoy this Bakugou chaos with our favorite U.A. class. My requests are still open, and now my asks are actually working correctly (I didn’t know they weren’t). Enjoy this cuteness!

Genre: established relationship fluff and competition, Tik Tok trends, a little bit of swearing, one weird question from Kaminari, a couple references to different books 💥❤️

Word count: 3.1k

♥*♥*♥*♥*♥*♥*♥*♥*♥*♥*♥*♥*♥*♥

School was never boring at U.A. Whether you were listening to Present Mic drone on in English class or waiting for Mr. Aizawa to stop staring at you during training, it was always a good time. Your classmates also made sure of this, especially one in particular.

You had come to date the most ornery and obnoxious guy in 1-A, Katsuki Bakugou. His temper annoyed your classmates to no end. He never shared his trauma with anyone. It was as if “problem child” was his middle name. However, you had fallen for the spiky blonde-headed boy nonetheless.

How your relationship started was straight out of a movie, and the fact you both had been together now for 6 months made it all the more romantic. He called you one night by accident. He needed Kirishima to come to his dorm room, since he was late for a study group. When you picked up, he was annoyed at first but settled down after you told him you would help your friends. Being ranked number 5 in the class meant something, so he begrudgingly agreed.

“I’ll come,” you said, expecting rejection.

“Ugh,” he groaned.

Of course. Why would Bakugou want you to come help? He was so egocentric that he didn’t want you trying to show him up. They were your friends too, though! If they failed this test, it would make you upset. Sadly, that’s the downfall of being an empathetic person.

“Fine, just hurry your ass over here,” Bakugou ordered, hanging up immediately after.

You were stunned. If he didn’t tell you to hurry over, you might’ve freshened up just a bit. He wasn’t waiting for you, though, and if you were late, he would come to probably demote you from the rank of “extra,” if that was even possible.

The study sessions became a routine thing. Soon enough, each person kept leaving the group until it was only you and Bakugou left. It made you uncomfortable. It made him colder. Both of you were so awkward about it, which definitely didn’t help your situation. One night, you decided you were done playing this strange little game and did something about. The outcome was quite different than you had intended it.

“You know what,” you began, pushing away your binder, “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Huh?” Bakugou questioned, glaring at you.

“You and I both know that this hasn’t been productive. For crying out loud, it’s just filled with tension!”

He huffed in annoyance, clearly done with your shenanigans. This man was going to be the death of you. Why was he so annoyed with you trying to leave? He usually liked to do things alone. If anything, this study group, if you could still call it that, was only a burden to him.

“It’s not you, Bakugou,” you said. “If anything, I feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome. I only feel uncomfortable, and I can tell that you don’t like the vibe we’ve created.”

The man in front of you fell silent. His gaze still pierced through your soul and spoke louder than words. You could tell he didn’t want you to go, but he didn’t know how to articulate it. Despite this, you knew you couldn’t stay. Being in the same room as him wasn’t healthy. Your heart rate always picked up speed. Plus, being so hot caused you to wear a t-shirt with the AC as cold as possible. Maybe you were coming down with something?

You began gathering your supplies as quickly as possible. You were studying a classic literary work: Romeo and Juliet. Was it cheesy? Absolutely. Did you love it? Without a doubt. However, Bakugou was beginning to be as intense as Montague or Capulet. 

“Thank you for these past few weeks,” you blurted. “It’s been really fun, but I don’t want to stay anym--”

Suddenly, your forearm was yanked by your study partner. You landed atop his lap, causing your heart to almost burst out of your chest. Your face felt very hot, and your breath was trapped in your lungs. Bakugou’s hands fell on your waist and slowly rubbed circles into them. He let his gaze change between your lips and eyes.

You didn’t know how to react. Was he just teasing you? Then, he began to lean in slowly. Realizing what he was doing, you moved in and let his lips touch yours. It was your first kiss, but you didn’t feel bad about it. Bakugou was soft and took his time, which is not what you were expecting with his personality. In that moment, you realized why you always felt hot around him. Your pulse quickened because you liked him. You just never wanted to admit it to yourself.

After a few seconds, Bakugou pulled away. Staring into your (e/c) eyes, he took a deep breaths and kissed you again. This time, his heartbeat spoke to you. It matched in rhythm with yours and told you its deepest desires. Bakugou wanted you to be his. He initiated this kiss as a last resort to get you to stay. He needed you to stay with him, not to study but just to hold and kiss.

After that fateful evening, Bakugou had become your boyfriend unofficially. Both of you knew your relationship should be kept a secret. It wasn’t like you had a choice. Bakugou was supposed to be the number 1 hero, and you were just an “extra.” Plus, the Bakusquad and certain 1-A students would be a pain to deal with if they found out he was soft for someone.

Despite keeping your relationship hidden, you both made sure to make it a competition. Bakugou would always ruffle your hair when others weren’t looking, which would tempt you to plant a kiss on his cheek before you both went your separate ways during lunch. The nights in the dorms were domestically sweet rather than competitive like during school hours. Your loving boyfriend would always make two plates of food and slyly pass one to you. You would always make two cups of tea, making sure to hide one behind your back, and bring them to his room. When you did do this, you slipped in while he was taking his usual shower. He always came out, gave you his sweatshirt, and watched you with love-filled eyes. The tea-filled evenings always ended in cuddles and playing with each others’ hair. You stayed until your boyfriend fell asleep at his early time, and then you would sneak off to your dorm room to get some sleep yourself.

This was your normal with Bakugou. During last Christmas, you both were able to go on an actual date for the first time. However, you saw Kirishima and Kaminari hanging out, and you and Bakugou had to abandon your outing. Sadly, your relationship has never been normal because of how secret it was. You both had to get creative with your relationship, but it was worth it. He was your explosive baby, and you were his sweet angel.

Recently, you’ve been getting quite a few relationship Tik Toks in your feed. Whether it was “the faster you run to me, the more kisses you get” trend or the “oh, you want me to make you some soup” sound, you wanted to recreate them. The Pomeranian you were dating didn’t want this. He thought Tik Tok was a complete waste of time, and you always argued with him about how it was a de-stresser for you. However, he still watched every video you showed him and loved the smile you got when watching his reaction.

One of your favorite Tik Tok trends going around was with the popular song “Electric Love” by BØRNS. Best friends admitting their feelings through a kiss was so romantic, and it reminded you of how your adorable relationship began. After seeing about 1 million of them, when in reality it was only 3, you decided you had to do it with Bakugou. 

Finals were just around the corner, and everyone was stressing out. There was a rumor going around that you would all be facing the teachers again, except this time there would be bigger groups to face 3 teachers at the same time. You coculdn’t believe it and burshed it off. However, the thought still lingered in your mind that the rumor could be true. Kaminari and Kirishima reminded you of this painfully often.

One morning at the dorms before class, Momo and Iida said they were holding a study group for the class that night to prepare for the written exams. They said they didn’t care how many people showed up. They just wanted to extend the offer since they were the top students in the class. Realizing it would be beneficial, you begged your boyfriend to attend it with you. As per usual, he wanted to make your life just a little bit more difficult.

“Please, Katsu,” you begged.

“No way, dumbass,” he said, flicking your forehead. “Why go when you’ve got me?”

“I just want to hear what other people have to say. Besides, Momo is really good at algebra! She could help both of us.”

Bakugou rolled his eyes before turning to walk towards his door. You had to convince him. No matter what it would take, you had to convince him that this was the best possible option to study for the written finals. 

“Wait,” you blurted, gaining his attention. “What can I do that would make you come with me?”

“Don’t even,” he huffed.

“Come on, Katsu. I’ll do anything.”

“Anything?”

“Yes, anything!”

Your boyfriend turned around and met your gaze. His eyes were soft, but his smirk was hard. Oh no...he had something up his sleeve. It could go one or two ways: easy or hard. You figured it was the latter.

“Kiss me,” he stated.

“That’s it?” you asked, cocking your head to the side.

“That’s it.”

Smiling, you skipped over to him and wrapped your arms around his neck. You leaned closer to his lips and met them sweetly. Bakugou wrapped his arms around your waist and melted into the kiss. It was filled with love and passion, causing a fire to erupt in your heart. You had never been happier in your life. He was all yours, and you couldn’t believe it. After pulling away, his smirk was even wider than it had been the first time. Something wasn’t right.

“I probably should’ve finished what I was gonna say,” he said. “You have to kiss me by surprise before class is over.”

Your eyes went wide. He was not asking you to do this. No way. You guys kept your relationship private for a good reason. He was out of his mind.

“Katsuki,” you sighed, “please tell me this is a joke.”

Laughing, he squeezed your cheeks before turning around and opening his door. “No way, dumbass. You said you’d do anything. Just try not to get caught.”

With that, he sauntered out of his room confidently. Never in your relationship had you been able to kiss him by surprise. He always knew what you were trying to do. He watched your fidgeting hands, crinkling nose, and squinting eyes all too much. It was like he could predict your every move. He watched you like a hero watches a villain.

You had to figure out a plan to catch him completely by surprise in only a few minutes. Then, you had only 7 hours to execute and achieve your goal. That sounds like a long time, but it was going to be a race against the clock. How were you going to pull this off? It’s not like some romance movie where the song for the love interests just starts out of nowhere.

Suddenly, you squeaked out loud. That’s it! You finally have the opportunity to do the “kissing your best friend” challenge. Of course, you and Bakugou were already dating, but he was still your best friend. You both told each other everything. Plus, he had never been around when you were watching those Tik Toks. You had your plan. Now, when could you execute it perfectly?

The morning started off like any other. Mr. Aizawa began going over the day’s schedule, causing the daily antics of your class to begin. Mina and Denki began dozing off, Aoyama was just staring off into space, Koda was focused on some birds outside, and Midoriya was already murmuring to himself. Despite all of this, your boyfriend was staring directly at you from across the classroom.

Once you noticed him, you stuck your tongue out at him. Clearly annoyed by your actions, he sighed and rolled his eyes at you. The dynamic was always like this between you two. However, your attack plan was finalized.

Using your skills, you deducted that the best time to initiate the plan was right before lunch. You would say you were showing him a Tik Tok, kiss his cheek like usual, and then strike. It was perfection. Nothing could go wrong.

The morning classes went by slower than ever. Present Mic kept correcting Jirou’s grammar the entire English class, Cementoss took too long to analyze Fahrenheit 451, and Ectoplasm spoke complete gibberish in math. You stayed focused throughout all of this, though, because you knew what was to come.

Finally, the bell rang for lunch. Waiting for the class to leave the room, you slowly packed up your bag. Once Tokoyami and Shoji had left the room, you walked over to your boyfriend, who purposely took just as long to pack.

“Bakugou,” you began, sweetly, “you have to see this Tik Tok I found.”

He groaned, prompting you to lean down and kiss his cheek. Being the tease he was, he quickly turned directly to face you and kissed your lips. You laced your arms around his neck, causing your plan to become even easier. Thankfully, Bakugou was too in the moment to realize the placement of your phone. You had positioned yourself so you were facing the window, allowing your phone to lean against the glass and stand in the window sill.

“You’re gonna have to try harder than that, (y/n),” Bakugou said, pulling away from you with a smirk.

With your arms still around his neck, you returned a sickeningly sweet smile paired with a glare. “Oh, just you wait.”

You hit the record button on your phone, causing the lyrics to begin. Apparently, this gained his attention, and he turned his head to look at your phone.

Baby, you're like lightning in a bottle / I can't let you go now that I got it

“Babe,” he groaned.

“Oh, come on,” you replied, pinching his cheek. “It’s just one Tik Tok.”

He groaned and looked at you through the screen. He was clearly waiting for you to start dancing or something because he never broke your gaze. Internally smirking to yourself, you realized you had caught him hook, line, and sinker.

And all I need is to be struck / By your electric love

Once the word “love” was sung, you turned his head towards you and kissed him the deepest you ever had. He paused for a brief second with wide eyes before chuckling and pulling you into his lap. Your lips met in a fiery passion of love, and you had never felt more alive. This was definitely the best kiss you had ever shared with him.

“Wait, you gotta be kidding me!” you heard someone say.

Both of you stopped, pulled away, and looked at the door. Standing there was Sero and Kaminari with the biggest grins on their faces. Before any words between the four of you could be exchanged, they both bolted off towards the cafeteria.

“Shit,” you sighed.

“You can say that again,” Bakugou agreed.

“If they know what’s good for them, they’ll keep their mouths shut.”

He chuckled at that and picked you up, placing a simple kiss on your forehead. After setting you down, you both went and grabbed your things before heading off to the cafeteria together. Of course, neither of you were aware of the hurricane that pounded the windows or shook the roof, but that would change very soon.

As soon as you walked in, you spotted the Dekusquad and Bakusquad all together. Once the door shut, Asui looked at you with the widest eyes possible. She turned back to the group and gained their attention, causing them all to unanimously charge the both of you.

“When did it start?” Mina asked, beaming.

“Were you always going to keep it a secret?” Uraraka questioned.

“Have you gone past kissing yet?” Kaminari smirked.

“SHUT UP BASTARDS!” Bakugou yelled, partially activating his quirk.

Stepping in front of him, you placed your hand on his cheek and whispered to him to calm down. After repeating that a couple of times, he did and began sulking to avoid confrontation. Turning around, you mustered up all of the courage you had.

“Ok,” you began, “Bakugou and I have been together for 6 months. We had planned to keep it a secret until graduation. Kaminari, I’m not answering your question.”

Kaminari groaned before turning around and walking off. After you answered the first initial questions, more came at you. You responded honestly and kept the conversation going. Bakugou was beside you the hold time, and, at some point, he took your hand in his. You leaned your head on his shoulder before sighing.

“Anything else?” you smiled.

“Yeah,” Asui replied. “When will you guys tell everyone else?”

“Oh, that’s not an issue,” Sero chimed in. “I already told the rest of the class.”

Everyone in the group fell silent. You prayed silently to whatever higher power was out there to protect Sero from major damage before saying, “Get him, baby.”

Bakugou took off after Sero, causing them both to sprint out of the cafeteria. You knew that they would probably get in trouble big time, but you were relieved. Finally, you and your boyfriend didn’t have to keep your relationship a secret. You were free to share as much PDA as you wanted, within school regulations, and were free to go on worry-free dates. It was a huge weight off your shoulders.

“D-do you think K-Kacchan will hurt him?” Midoriya asked, glancing at you.

Chuckling to yourself, you smiled and said, “I have no idea. I’m just proud to say that he’s mine. Sero will get what’s coming to him.”

It’s safe to assume that the both of you decided a night in studying together was better than having the whole class ogle you during the group study session.

[amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines]

Betty//tell me something nice, like flowers and blue skies

Request: Can I request a Reader/Betty with the song I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend by Girl In Red, maybe reader pines over Betty how she pines over Archie

hey! before i ramble trigger warning: i don’t really know how to describe it, so there’s like a nightmare bit and people aren’t really nice about the reader being gay, so if that upsets you don’t read. anyway! it’s loving women hours (when is it not?) as i’m writing this its october, so it’s officially girl in red season! happy holidays gays! 

Betty Cooper, Archie Andrews and Y/n L/l/n. The three musketeers of Riverdale. Wherever one of them went, the other two followed. 

You have lived next door to each other, since before any of you were even born. Your moms went to baby classes together, your dads let you play in the back yard while the three of them enjoyed a beer. There was never a day that at least two of you weren’t together. 

Every birthday party was spent showing presents off and eating far too much cake. And every weekend sleepover was spent giggling way into the night and eating junk food, only to be told off by one of your moms. You would plan countless pranks that Polly would always be on the receiving end of, and then when the three of you were inevitably grounded for ruining another thing of hers, you’d hang out of your bedroom windows to wave at each other. 

As the three of you grew older, your parents thought you would grow apart. All three of you developed new interests and personalities, but despite everything you stuck together. Promising to go through High School by each others side. 

But then disaster struck. Hormones got the better of one of you and suddenly Betty was pining over Archie. Which was bad news for all three of you. 

Because while Archie was all Betty wanted, he wanted everybody but her. He even tried it on with you once, it ended awfully and you both vowed never to speak of it ever again. 

You don’t know how many hours you’ve spent sat on her bed while she watched Archie from her bedroom window, despite you telling her how creepy it is. 

At first it was kind of boring. You just watched her, watch him and then you’d listen to her mope, tell her he’ll realize soon and then go home. But then it stopped being boring and something shifted. You found it more hurtful? 

Like whenever she would talk about him in that lovestruck tone, it felt like your something twisting your lungs. You found yourself stuttering over your words when she talked to you. Your cheeks would heat up whenever she was in close proximity of you, and if she touched you, even if it was just a light graze of her fingers over your own, your mind would go blank and busy all at once. 

You found yourself sneaking glances at her whenever she wasn’t looking, or trying your hardest to make her laugh, even if it meant making yourself look like an idiot. She was the last thing you thought of when you went to sleep, the first thing you thought of when you woke up and she was every other thought in between. 

The littlest of interactions between you had you overthinking. What did that smile mean? Why did she ask just you to hang out and not Archie too? Is she trying to tell you something? Was that goodbye wave just a goodbye wave or was it something else? And that goodnight text? Was there a tone to it? 

It was only when she rang you at 2am to ask you what you thought Archie meant by ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’, did you realize. 

You’d fallen for your very straight best friend. 

fuck

Nobody knew you were into girls. Not even you were aware of it until her. 

Until she made you look forward to going to school because that meant you’d get to see her. Until she made you feel like the most important girl in the world when she smiled at you. Until she made butterflies swarm in your stomach whenever she so much as looked at you. 

But she always talked to Archie before you first thing in the morning. She always smiled brighter at Archie, and she always looked away far too soon. 

Even if had beed years since she’s first fallen for him and she’s dated Jughead in between. You could tell there was still something there between them. 

Just look at me the same

Riverdale is a small town, people talk and people judge. So for now, you’ll stay in the very comfy closet your in. 

You’re graduating soon so you just have to keep in a secret for another four months. That’s totally do-able. 

But then again you and Betty have applied for the same college’s so who knows what going to happen then. Maybe you’ll find a girl there that you’ll fall for. 

But there’s nobody like Betty Cooper.  

There never was and there never will be. 

She’s the only good thing to come out of this place. Even after everything she’s been through, they’re usually things you’ve also been dragged into by either her or Archie, but she always comes out the other side stronger. 

She’s a force to be reckoned with. 

She’s wonderful. 

If you tell people that you were into woman, then there’s a chance that Betty might find out you like her and you definitely don’t want that. 

So you’ll continue secretly pining and looking way too much into things. 

You’ll continue to listen to her talk about Archie or Jughead or whoever she likes this week, in exactly the same way you think about her. 

You’ll lie next to her at Friday night sleepovers and try to keep your breathing normal as she cuddles into the side of you. You’ll stop yourself brushing hair from her face, from stroking her arm gently and from pressing gentle kisses to her head. 

You stop yourself from doing all of those things and just lie there. Letting the darkness envelop you as she snores softly beside you. And when you eventually fall asleep she’s there too, but something’s off. 

She’s looking at you all wrong. Everybody is. They’re looking at you like you’ve done something wrong. Archie and Betty stand hand in hand, and they glare at you. The world around you twists and warps, you try and get closer to them, to ask whats wrong but they just keep jumping further and further away. And then she tells you, she knows. She knows everything, about the way you feel, how you think of her and she’s looking at you like you’re a stranger. They all are and the world becomes tighter around you and its getting harder and harder to breath an-

“Y/n?!” 

You eyes snap open and you sit upright, gasping for breath.

Betty stares at you, eyes full of panic as she moves to sit in front of you. She flicks the lamp on as she moves and the room is flooded in a soft orange glow. The duvet bunches around you and she moves it down to allow you to breathe and cool down.

“Breathe. You’re okay. It’s okay. I’m here.” She says, her voice firm but soothing. Her hands rest on your shoulders and you force yourself to nod, and slowly start to breathe properly. “Are you okay?” She asks, her voice now a lot less panicked and a wave of embarrassment rolls over you. 

“Yeah.” You shrug. “Just a bad dream.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” She lies back down and you follow apprehensively. 

“No thanks.” You mumble and move your pillow. 

In times like this its good that you have shared trauma. It means if you get bad dreams about your best friend finding out you like her, thats not the first thing she assumes. 

She probably thinks its got to do with the Gargoyle King, or that night you were hunted through the woods. Or when you went to Lodge’s Lodge and got robbed. Veronica had insisted that it was couple’s only but Betty had fought for you to come. Saying that if her and Archie were both away you’d be alone. Plus, the three of you come as package. You want one, you get all of them. 

You shuffle backwards towards the wall, trying to put as much space between the two of you as you possibly can. She doesn’t seem to get your hint and just moves closer to you, slinging her arm over your waist and you feel goosebumps rise over your skin. 

Your eyes flutter shut but the dark and distorted world you were previously trapped in plays behind your eyes like a really bad horror movie and so they snap open again. 

You hold in a gasp once you notice how close she is to your, your foreheads barely touching, her blonde hair sprawled out on the pillow and the ends tickle your face. 

“You okay?” She mumbles and opens an eyelid to look at you. 

“I just don’t think I can sleep right now.” You reply causing her to frown and look at you properly. She props her head up with her head and her hair falls around her face as she angles her head to look at you properly. 

You want to kiss her. 

She’s right there so you could. She’s lying in front of you and she’s giving you a look you’ve never seen directed at you before. 

You could just lean up and kiss her. You wonder if it will feel like how you’ve imagined. If her lips are as soft as they look and if you’ll still be able to feel them long after you’ve stopped. If the feeling will engrain itself into your memory, becoming impossible to forget. If her hands will hold your own or if they’ll settle on your cheek or in your hair. Will she be cautious as she kisses you or will it be the most sure she’s ever felt about something? 

You want to kiss her until you lose your breath. 

You want to get lost in her and for her to get lost in you. Until this is the only thing either of you know. 

“Tell me something nice.” 

“Like Archie’s hair today. Because it was really nice. I think he spent a little longer on it today but it was worth it. It looked very soft...very ginger.” 

“No.” You laugh. 

She’s gone back to Archie for this week and even if it does hurt, its a little comforting. It reminds you of when she first went on like this, you were unaware of your feelings then. You were just hanging out with your friend while she pined for your other one. There was no feelings to mess it up, at least not on your end.

Now you’re almost three years into this and there’s been more complicated emotions and plot twists than a teen drama. More moping than a Smiths song. 

The internet is obsessed with the mutual pining trope, it’s romanticized beyond belief. And in a way you’re in one, the only problem is she’s pining for the wrong person, maybe so are you. 

“Like flowers and blue skies.” You add after a few seconds of silence and a soft smile settles on her face. 

“Okay. Come here.” She stretches her arms out towards you and you reluctantly shuffle towards her. 

She squeezes you tightly before lying back down properly, her arms are wrapped around you and her chin rests on your head. You feel the steady beat of her heart and you hope she can’t feel your erratic one. 

“Can you remember last Christmas?” She asks and you hum in agreement. “It was Christmas day, me, you and Archie got together in Archie’s backyard to do our annual present swap. It was freezing, but the sky was the bluest it had been for months. There wasn’t a cloud in sight and the sun was brighter than the previous summers.” 

“It had been snowing.” You reply. “And we threw snowballs at Archie.” 

“Yeah.” She laughs. “Archie threw one back, but it was more ice than snow and it hit me right on the nose.” 

“I thought he’d broken your nose with the amount of blood.” You laugh. 

“You took me home and made sure I was okay.”

“Of course I did.” You mumble, your voice sleepy. “I’d do anything for you.” You add, your voice muffled by a yawn. 

“What?” She asks but you shake your head. 

“Nothing.” You reply. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen your mom so confused.” 

“So would you be if your kid and her friend were stood on the porch, one of them with blood pouring out of their nose and the other with blue lips almost the same shade as the sky.” 

“Fair enough.” You laugh. “Hey, what are you getting for Archie for Christmas this year?” 

“I dunno.” She shrugs. “What about you?” 

“I dunno, thats why I was asking you.” You reply and the two of you giggle quietly. “What do you want for Christmas?” 

“A boyfriend.” 

“Gross.” You mumble and she looks at you annoyed. 

“What do you mean gross?” 

“I mean...gross.” 

“Shut up. You’ll understand when you get a boyfriend.” 

“I highly doubt thats gonna happen.” You mutter making her frown and move to look at you. 

“Don’t think like that.” She cups your cheeks in her hands and you feel your face heating up under the intensity of her stare. “You are so pretty. You’re the prettiest girl I know. Any boy would be lucky to have you.” 

“Yeah, okay.” You snort and she sends you a look but decides not to say anything. 

“Do you like anybody at the minute?” She asks, her chin resting back on your head and your breath hitches as you try and figure out the best way around this. It’s too late though, she heard you and now she’s staring at you wide-eyed with a bright grin on her face. “Oh my God. You do. You so like someone.” 

“No, I er. No I don’-” 

“Who is it. You have to tell me. I tell you everybody that I like.” 

“I know.” You mumble making her glare at you. 

“Please. I won’t tell anyone. I promise. Do I know them?” 

“No.” You shake your head. 

“Okay, So I know them.” 

“But I just said you didn’t.”

“I know. But I can tell when you’re lying. We’ve been friends for 18 years, I know all your tells.” She says. 

A lump sits in your throat and you try your hardest to swallow it. 

fuck

“So I know them?” 

“No.” You sigh and lie down properly. “There’s no point in trying to guess because I’m not gonna tell you.” 

“Why not?” She pouts and flops beside you, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Because. Plus, there’s no point in telling anyone because they don’t like me back.” 

“How do you know? Have you asked them?” 

“No, bu-” 

“So how do you know?” 

“Because I’m really not their type.” You say. It’s more to yourself than to her but neither of you seem to get the hint. 

“You never know.” She argues. 

“Believe me I do. So can we just drop this and go to sleep.” You snap. 

Her happy expression disappears as she looks at her hands and you feel your chest tighten. 

“Yeah sorry.” She whispers. 

“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped.” 

“Its fine.” She shakes her head and turns to look at you.“I shouldn’t have pushed it. But before I drop it forever, for the record, whoever it is is an idiot for not liking you.” She says sincerely and you send her a small smile. 

The two of you stare at each other for a few seconds, and your sure her gaze drops to your lips for a split second. But then you hear a bang on the bedroom door followed by her mom telling you to go to sleep and the moment, whatever it was, is gone. She drops your gaze and turns around, pulling the blanket all the way up to her chin. 

You watch her turn, continuing to stare at her back before you sigh and face the other way. 

You’re both stuck in the same place but you want to follow different paths. 

You both know what its like to be a friend but want something more. The different is that she’s more likely to get what she wants. A boy can start to like his best friend, but you can’t turn a straight girl gay.

That knowledge weighs you down over the weekend. You, Betty, Archie, Jughead and Veronica hang out at Pops on Saturday. And even though you and Betty were the first one’s there, you somehow end up stuck on the end, forced to borrow a chair from someone else’s table. 

Betty and Archie sit next to each other and laugh over inside jokes and their shared dislike of one of the new kids. Veronica and Jughead sit beside each other in an awkward silence. Every ten minutes one of them will try and desperately think of something that have in common but it never works. 

And you?

You sit on the end with nothing to do and no one to talk to. So you leave early, muttering a small goodbye before rushing out of the diner. Veronica and Jughead mumble a small goodbye, and an hour later they come up with an excuse as to why they also need to leave. 

But Betty and Archie don’t notice. They don’t notice you’ve gone until Jughead says goodbye an hour later. 

They stay for a bit longer talking about stories from when they were younger, their plans for the rest of the weekend and whether they’ve done the homework for Miss Fireworth. 

But something is missing. They both feel it, Betty more than Archie. 

It settles in her bones, a feeling of loneliness. It’s only when Archie starts talking about if she thinks if Veronica would give him another chance does she realize it. 

Of course! How could she have not seen it before It’s obvious. It was right in front of her this whole time and she’s only not just realized. 

“Archie, I’ve got to go.” She says quickly, grabbing her bag and shuffling past him. 

She feels terrible, all of these years you’ve been feeling like this and she’s been so oblivious. So inconsiderate. She’s the worst. But she’s going to make it right, she’s going to try her best to anyway. 

“Okay.” He calls after her, she’s already out of the door by the time he replies and he watches her walk quickly out of the parking lot. 

It takes her ten minutes to walk to your house and as soon as she runs up the steps of the porch she’s knocking loudly on the door. She moves from foot to foot, the excitement rising as she waits for you to answer the door. 

The door swings open and your brows furrow once you see who it is. But before you have the chance to ask why she’s here, she’s already speaking. 

“You like Archie?”

“What? No!” You exclaim and she raises an eyebrow. 

“Its okay if you do. I actually think you guys would be really cute together.” She reassures you and you stop yourself from rolling your eyes. 

“I don’t like Archie.” You repeat but she’s having none of it, waving her arm around before continuing to talk. 

“But you do though. I understand now. All of these years I’ve been pining over him and you also liked him. And you listened to me and comforted me like the great friend you are and I just let you. I didn’t even think that you could like him. But it makes so much sense now.” 

“Does it?” 

“Yes.” She huffs. “I’m sorry I was an idiot.” 

“Its okay?” 

“So you do like him? How long for?” She wonders, shrugging her jacket off as she walks past you. 

You know you shouldn’t. You know this is going to end badly for everyone involved, but you do it anyway. You play along, at least if she thinks you like Archie, she won’t suspect herself. 

“About three years.” You shrug and she stares at you in shock. 

“That long?” She says. 

“Yep.”

“How do you know you aren’t his type?” She wonders, remembering the conversation you had last night. 

“I just do. I mean, look at his track record, and then look at me. Nothing alike.” 

“Thats good though!” She replies. “Nobody wants to date someone exactly the same as their ex.” 

You are very different to her ex’s, that is true. 

“Not this different though.” You shrug. “Its fine though. I’m used to it. Now, do you want to watch a movie tonight?” You ask, sitting down on the sofa. 

“Yeah, sure.” She replies, not really sure what to do. She sits beside you and looks around the living room, hoping the right words to say will find her. There’s something else to this, she knows there is. She just can’t quite figure out what it is. “Y/n?” She asks and reaches out to hold your hand. Her touch is gentle, almost cautious and you’re dreading whatever is going to come out of her mouth next. “Are you sure thats it?” 

“What do you mean?” You ask, dropping her hand. Hurt flashes through her eyes and she pulls her hand back, placing it on her thigh. 

The feeling of her hand went from light to heavy awfully quickly, and you want to touch her, but not like this. Not in this situation. She’s looking at you. 

When she looks at you usually, it’s gives you a feeling you can’t describe. But the way she’s looking at you now makes you want to shrink. 

“Do you like Archie?” She repeats.

“No.” You breathe and she sighs. 

You can see her trying to figure it out. Trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together and you know she’s going to work it out. You stare at her with bated breath and watches as she stares at the blank television. 

“I er, I’ve got a few things to do so, I’ll see you later.” You try but she just continues to look ahead. 

The walls close in on you, it’s only a matter of time. She’s going to figure it out and she’s going to hate you and everything is going to be ruined. 

“I’m sorry.” You cry quietly and she looks at you confused. 

She’s beside you in an instant, wrapping her arms around you and your bury your head in her chest. 

“I’m really, really sorry. I didn’t meant to and I wasn’t gonna tell you. I didn’t want to ruin anything between us because you’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you.” 

“Do you like me?” She asks, her voice remaining calm as she moves away to look at you. 

“Yeah.” You mumble and stare at the grey fabric of the sofa. “I’m sorry.” Your force yourself to look at her. 

She wipes the palms of her hands on her jeans, takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. You stare at her in confusion, wondering what she’s doing and why she hasn’t shouted at you and left yet. But then her hands cup your cheeks and she leans in, kissing you softly. 

It’s slow at first, both of you unsure of what’s happening. But it doesn’t make any less perfect. It doesn’t stop your cheeks from heating up, or your heartbeat from going haywire and it doesn’t stop all cohesive thoughts from falling out of your head. 

She pulls away quickly, and both of you looked at each other shocked. 

“I’m sorry.” She says quickly and stands. 

“No, no. It’s fine.” You reply, copying her movements. You follow her to the door, despite your entire body screaming at you to not let her leave. You don’t think you can handle watching her walk away. 

You’ve wanted that kiss for three years. You’d built it up in your head so much, but now its happened and she’s running away and this is nothing like you thought it would be. 

The kiss was perfect. 

This is a nightmare. 

“Y/n. I’m sorry.” She says, finally looking at you. 

She’s holding on to her bag so tightly her knuckles have turned white, she glances at the door behind her and points awkwardly at it. 

“I’ve got to go.” 

“Yeah, okay.” She turns around and you will yourself not to cry. She can’t see you cry, not over her anyway.

“Bye.” She says quickly and walks through the front door. 

“Bye.” You reply, closing the door before she even has a chance to turn around. 

A shaky breath escapes your lips and you can’t stop the tears anymore. They keep coming, running down your face like sad little waterfalls. Your hands shake, your head hurts and your chest tightens. 

You’ve just watched your best friend and the woman you’re in love with run away after kissing you. 

Nothing is going to fix this. 

Well one thing will. 

“Y/n.” Betty is shouting outside, banging on the door louder than she ever has and you quickly swing the door open, revealing her tear stained face. “I’m so sorry.” She apologizes. 

Within seconds she’s stepped over the threshold, her arms hold you waist and pulls you tight to her. She kisses you desperately and messily, with teeth clashing and tears mixing together.  

But she doesn’t want it any other way. 

And neither do you. 

“Y/n?” She asks between kisses and you nod in reply. “I don’t want to be your friend.” 

“Okay.” You pull away to look at her. 

Her hands are still wrapped around you, but yours drops from from her cheeks, now worried that all of this has been some sort of trick.

“I wanna be your girlfriend.”

[k0dzukwen]

ʚ 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐞 ɞ

- ”I would’ve never thought I would have to say goodbye to my paradise so soon...”

pairing: tendou x gn!reader

genre: angst, tragedy

word count: 1.7k

song inspo: mr. loverman by ricky montgomery mixed with as the world caves in by matt maltese

warnings: major character death, mentions of eating disorder, mild cussing, hospitals, 

pre a/n: if you wanna blame someone for this idea blame rex orange county, jjk newest ep, and my bestfriend ANKNKA ok but fr...i was thinking of who to do for this for about like..30 mins, it was between tendou, kita, and atsumu. i’ll try to do atsumu tonight because i have a AMAZING prompt for him ok? anyways enjoy this :))

“I can show you everything”

You wanted to be shown everything once, you were so eager to go everywhere and memorize every detail. And there was one person who you wanted to travel everywhere with

Satori Tendou

You were captivated by him, thoughts of him fogged your mind daily and you could barely focus. You knew he was the one for you that day you first started as a manager and he offered you candy, along with asking if you read manga. His smile when you said yes and accepted his snack made you melt on the inside, you practically started floating when he sat next to you and started talking about character complexes and powers. You listened to him for hours that day, you secretly wished he had invited you over so he could talk to you more. You went to sleep that night reminiscing over every word, every sentence, every laugh you both shared. 

Were you really that head over heels after one day?

As the days went by you and Tendou grew closer, becoming best friends within weeks. Yet the sparkle in your eyes when he smiled and laughed never faded, the warm feeling from being with him remained with you only growing stronger. You always fell too easily which left you vulnerable to getting hurt, yet with him you wanted to open yourself up completely hoping he would do the same. Months turned into years and before you knew it, You guys were graduating. Everything went by so fast you would believe you blinked and suddenly became a third year, now you were laying in the grass behind the dorms stargazing with your bestfriend who you had unironically fallen in love with. Have you told him how you felt? Nope

“Do you know what paradise is?”, Tendou stared up at the sky the slight light from the lights nearby illuminating his face and causing his eyes to sparkle

“Something or someone you find comfort in, Something you’re so addicted to just doing it or being around it brings you unimaginable joy. You can’t and won’t imagine ever leaving it or stopping it voluntarily” You sighed and looked over at him, gazing into his red eyes, “Why do you ask?”

He laughed and closed his eyes, breathing deeply “This is my paradise...I don’t think I’m ready to leave..” He opened his eyes and smiled, “But you know, This is a part of growing up right?”

“Ugh..” You huff and sit up, “What the hell is growing up anyways?”

Tendou sat up and shifted closer, leaning in so his nose could almost touch yours, “You aren’t old enough to understand”

Your face flushed a deep pink, he was so close to your face if you accidentally moved closer your lips would meet. You smiled at him and burst out laughing, laughing so hard you had to lay back down and hold your stomach. He laughed too, laying next to you and continuing to point out constellations like nothing had happened. What did he even mean “You aren’t old enough to understand”, he was only one year older than you so what did he mean?

Did you really want to know?

You never really understood the term “growing up”, deep down you wanted to stay a a kid forever. You knew that growing up brought unwanted pain and stress and even trauma, if you weren’t stressed with college enough you also had to deal with paying for bills on your studio apartment and making money from the cafe you worked at. And to make it all worse your best friend, the guy you were lovesick for was moving across the country to pursue his dreams

In Paris

You always asked why Paris, didn’t he want to go pro in volleyball? Wasn’t that his paradise? You knew you wanted the best for him but deep down you didn’t want the love of your life to move across the country, you knew you would both lose communication with eachother, you knew he would forget about you and you didn’t want to bear that pain. Yet he didn’t want to listen, he left to paris and exactly what you predicted happened. You started off calling him every day along with texting him, sending him pictures of what you did in everyday life. You didn’t have many friends so you often found yourself waiting for his reply, you knew his job was time consuming but impatience still got the best of you. Hours without a reply turned into days, the realization that you had lost your love ate at your soul. You found yourself skipping meals, and slacking off in school. You knew it was unhealthy and that you needed to stay strong but you couldn’t, his laugh and smile lingered in your dreams. You missed him dearly, but still couldn’t get the confidence to dial his number. One day you couldn’t take it and booked a flight out to Paris, you thought at the moment it would be the best option.

You never even left the hotel

You paced around the room, the TV playing in the background. You knew the chocolate shop he worked at and had a way of transportation but couldn’t bring yourself to go, what if he didn’t remember you? What if he had someone else? You tried to talk yourself up, motivating yourself to press the button

“God damn Y/N just-” You were cut off by a breaking news report, Your gaze switched from your hands to the TV. You squinted at the screen as it showed a report of a young male involved in a car collision, you didn’t even know what the instinct was but you ran out your hotel room down to the lobby, you busted through the entrance and started to run to the hospital the news report specified, tears welled up in your eyes as you ran praying that it was just a mistake. You prayed that the male in critical condition wasn’t who you thought it was, you stumbled and bumped into people as you ran saying a quick “I’m sorry” and keeping your pace. You arrived at the hospital and bust through the doors, running up to the desk

“Please miss, Who was the man involved in the car collision? The one in critical condition?” Tears pricked at your eyes as you stared at the woman in front of you expectantly

“Oh, at first we labeled him a John Doe but after further inspection we have confirmed the mans name is...Satori Tendou, We really shouldn’t give out this info but you seem like a family member or-”

The nurse continued on but you couldn’t hear, everything went silent as if you had just became deaf, Your knees felt weak and threatened to give out. It couldn’t be him, You shook your head and covered your ears despite the fact you couldn’t hear anything, everything started to swirl together like a fever dream. Thats right, it was just a dream, This wasn’t happening. You were gonna wake up from this crazy situation and go see your bestfriend, You were gonna finally see your best friend and he was going to be alive and healthy. Everything was going to be just fine, This was just a sick nightmare thats it

“Excuse me, this is his room. I’m sorry but he has about 20 mins left to live, he can hear but can’t move or respond to anything...I’m sorry”

The doctor patted your back and left the room, gently closing the door to avoid startling you. You hadn’t spoken a word since the news was given to you and of course, you didn’t take it well. You broke down completely, the nurses had to escort you to a room and try to calm you down

But even now you felt nothing but numbness

You stared at Tendous body blankly, gazing at all the tubes coming out of him, the beeping of the heart monitor and pumping of the life support machine kept the room from being completely silent. You felt tears well up into your eyes again and this time you didn’t fight them, you slowly walked towards his bed and gently touched his face. You could feel his face flinch and heard a wimper escape from his body, you let out a quiet sob and placed your hand over your mouth. You remembered how the doctor said he could hear you and feel everything

Feel Everything

He could probably feel the tubes and they were probably painful, He probably didn’t think that life was worth so much pain. 

“Tendou...” Your voice cracked and you sniffed, “I’m so sorry...I should have been there..for you” You sighed and sat down in a chair, leaning on the bed “Did I ever tell you about my paradise? Well unlike you...My paradise was a person, They were super funny and their smile could brighten anyones day” You smiled at the last part, unknowingly laying your head on the bed, “They had am amazing laugh too...It was so contagious I learned to memorize it, whenever I was around them...I felt like I was complete. I felt like I had a life worth living when they were around, I loved them..letting them go was the hardest thing, but at least they were safe and happy...” You started to choke up, tears streaming down your face, “You’re my paradise Tendou...I’m in love with you and I want to stay here forever if It means I’ll be with you”. You looked up at the monitor noticing how it was slowing down, You didn’t know much about medicine and medical things but you knew that wasn’t a good sign. You gently grabbed his cold hand and squeezed it, you blinked through tears and opened your mouth. You didn’t know what to say until the monitor started to rapidly beep, fear shot through your body causing your tears to flow faster and your body to shake. You broke your gaze from the monitor and looked at Tendou, his skin was pale and you could barely see his face through all the tubes

“I would have never thought...I would have to say goodbye to my paradise so soon. I love you Satori, I’m sorry I was too late” 

↳𝐞𝐧𝐝 

post a/n: currently sitting here crying, i’m not even attached to Tendou like that and i’m HURT why do i do these things to myself i’m sorry to whovever reads this </3

[flecks-of-stardust]

Intro post tag thingy

i decided to start a new chain because the old one was so long skdhdksh thanks ash for tagging me though! @melanc-hex

name: ngl i purposefully did not include my preferred name in my bio because i was curious about what people would call me based on my username. i frankly dont care too much, so do as you will here

gender: no <3

star sign: leo

height: 5’ lol

time currently: help i just flew to california and jetlag is kicking my ass. thats all i will say

birthday: id rather not share this, but ill keep the bullet point in for other folks

favorite bands: im terrible at picking favorites uhh. i guess I Prevail counts, and Against the Current. i listen to a few other bands but my music taste is all over the place even if i mostly listen to rock/metal

song stuck in my head: this remix of hive knight’s theme, from the symphony of hallownest remix. go bee boy go

last movie i watched: its technically half of the movie Gravity, but i clicked out of it because i got bored of its writing. the last movie i watched in full would be Free Guy

last show i binged: good question! idk. cant remember. i think it would technically be owl house or avatar: the last airbender, but i was more watching with my friends than bingeing

last thing i googled: … cornifer’s wiki page, i guess? hfkshhkvhd

do you get asks: havent gotten a single one since i started this blog akchfksdh im kind of hoping some will pop up once i get dreamless posted (which is soon; im waiting on finishing ch3 before i put up ch1) but like. eh. im not too bothered about it

why the url: its pretty. and i like space

how many followers: like 11 or 13 last i checked, but i only made this account aug 30th or something so it tracks (edit: its 19, somehow)

average hours of sleep: varies wildly but i try to force myself to get at least 8 per night

lucky numbers: idk how people even pick these but im very hung on the number 6 for some reason so take that one

instruments you play: well i can play the piano (im waiting for the moment i can play hollow knight songs in public. watch me play the white palace theme in some random area) but i havent had classes since i was about 13. so im very rusty with what i can do, but i know how to read a piano score at the bare minimum

currently wearing: my equivalent of pajamas. its too early for me to be up but what can you do about jetlag

dream job: idk can i go be a slug in the woods instead

dream trip: i have too much anxiety about traveling now to have a good answer for this, f

favorite food: this is more of a comfort food, but probably instant ramen. easy to make, tastes good, gets my sodium content up, and its familiar. also noodles are delicious

favorite song: this changes so often its pointless for me to pick one, so heres the symphony of hallownest, heres a metal cover of the grimm theme, heres a good cover of goodbye sengen by will stetson, heres a pale king animatic i keep going back to for that section of music, and heres a playlist of an album i like that isnt hollow knight related, its called trauma and its from i prevail

three fictional universes you’d like to be in: *looks at the media ive consumed* like, none of them please im disabled and tired all the time

im too shy to tag anyone and i know ash already tagged jungl and finch so weh. if you see this and want to do it tag me i cant be assed to stress over who to tag alchhkchd

[fandom-blackhole]

For the long asks: 5, 9, and 17

5. Whats your relationship with your parents like?

Not bad, all things considering. I mean I definitely don't see eye to eye with them, and I do have some resentment for having to raise their kids for them (haha eldest daughter syndrome 🙃), but I shouldn't complain because it could definitely be worse. I know now as I slowly get older that I in no way had or have a stable home/relationship with my parents, and I have had to completely reinvent myself these past few years because of all the brainwashing that comes from living in the Bible Belt and deep red of Kansas. I don't really talk with my dad much because we can't go five minutes without him trying to pull me into a political conversation (literally Saturday night I was taking my dog out and he managed to say that genocide in the middle east was ok with him and I had to just grab my dog and go inside bc the man just lets everything I say go in one ear and out the other). My mom I do talk about things with, and she's more accepting of like what I identify as and joking around about being Bi, but she still is very far right in her ideals so that barrier will always be there. Idk, my I don't hate my parents, but I definitely walk on egg shells around them, and definitely have lasting trauma from things they have said or had me do. But you know what, this isn't therapy, and I know none of you want my not-so-sob story lol

9. Talk about your favourite historical period

See this is a loaded question for me because I used to be a history major, so I love a bunch of different time periods. But I am also very much gay, so I absolutely had an obsession with Ancient Greece and Rome growing up. Thanks Rick Riordan/catholic religious trauma :)! Idk, I just think times back then were something else, the art, the philosophy, the religion, the way society worked. I always tend to lean more towards Greece and even then more Athenian history. I don't know what it is, I just think its neat lmao.

17. Whats your favourite city and why?

I dont have one! Well I don't think so anyway? I'm from fuck all Kansas, the biggest city i have been too was probably Nashville and that was two weeks(?) ago, and I hated it. First off, I'm a huge introvert so cities just aren't my thing, too many people, too much going on. Second, while its nice having most things in walking distance or having actual public transport is nice, again I like my own space so cities are just too crowded. While I don't plan to stay in Kansas by any means, no matter how many people say "oh you'll miss it once you leave" I just dont see myself wanting to come back to bum fuck cracked out nowhere, and I wish I could live my cottage one dream out in the country alone with a bunch of animals, I know for a fact that I will have to get used to big cities because thats where my career of choice is gonna lead me. This was more of a rant sorry, but I just honestly have been nowhere and dont really have the experience to give a good answer.

Long Answer Asks

[the-rawr-ster]

Words for Proheroes, UA staff, and All For One

Warning: lots of cursing, minor spoilers, mentions of abuse, harsh words, and lots of yelling, and also mentions of suicide, depression, ptsd, ect.

Any of the characters I mention, I say I hate but I don’t and understand they’re human so they make mistakes. I also know they already know that I’m right and probably feel super shitty. I still want to put my two sense in.

So I made a post and some comments on tik tok about hero society in MHA. I didn’t get everything I wanted to say so here’s just a ranting dump about several characters and groups.

The only heroes actually can respect are Miruko Hawks. Let me explain why. Hawks literally called out the heros on their BS speeches. Which I really admire. He’s blunt, which is an extremely respectable trait to me in most cases. And he’s very passionate about the work he does. He cares about people but unfortunately because of how he was brought up (manga spoilers here stop before you spoil it for yourselves). Just like many of 1-A, but also very different, he was quite literally raised to be a tool used by the military for their bullshit. And I think this might have changed based on who saved him. As many of you might know, Hawks grew up in an extremely toxic environment, I won’t get into the nitty gritty deets. The one that got him out of that was Endeavor, his favorite hero. He was his favorite hero growing up. But that only goes so far. Hawks respect for Endeavor (like many of his fans) was because he wasn’t fake, he didn’t pretend to like people, he didn’t pretend to smile. Endeavor was very different from many of the other heroes (horrible father and husband though (an okay hero though, which I think is part of why Stain hadn’t killed Endeavor even though he had plenty of opportunities)). Now we haven’t seen much of Miruko as far as I know, but just from her couple of minutes on screen in the anime, we can already guess that she respected Hawks. She likes how Hawks rolls. He’s confident, laid back, and he’s not a bullshitter. And just for that I can respect her. I also think Bakugō should be the number one hero but that’s a story for another time. I also have respect for Sir Night Eye and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you why because you can figure it out.

Now let’s get down to why I fucking hate hero society. Let’s just start off with the fact that it’s almost identical to how it would be if superpowers existed. There would be quirk discrimination, there would be people that abused their powers, ect. Ect. But most of all, heros get away with anything (much like cops irl). They use violence to stop violence, which goes completely against what heroes say. And we see this with All might a lot. Heros with flashy powers get noticed more than others. YOU SENT CHILDREN TO WAR!!!! THAT IS IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM OKAY!!! THOSE CHILDREN ARE FOREVER GOING TO BE TRAUMATIZED BY THAT SHIT! And I understand that at some point they’d have experienced something, but when they chose to be heroes it was a time of piece, but then for whatever reason everything went south. Regardless, these kids brains are still developing, idk how but this will definitely change the way their brain develops. Honestly I’d be surprised if none of them ended up commiting. I don’t want them to but in their mental state they’d at least be thinking about it. I actually wrote a fic about a pro-hero commiting. I could write an essay on why heroes suck balls, but that’ll be done another time).

As much as I’d like to talk about each individual hero, I really want to talk about UA students and Staff, and why the staff sucks potato juice.

Let’s start with the obvious one, Nezu. HOW DO DOZENS OF VILLAINS INFILTRATE ONE OF THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS SCHOOLS? THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE, obviously your security system fucking sucks. NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOU ONLY HIRED ALL MIGHT BECAUSE OF HIS STATUS AS A HERO!!!! HES A HORRIBLE TEACHER!!!! AND NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOU ALLOWED ALL OF YOUR STUDENTS TO BE PUT ON BLAST FOR MILLIONS TO SEE, talkin bout some “We HaVe SoMe Of ThE bEsT heRoeS.” THATS bullshit because y’all lost an entire child to a lizard, a magician that puts people in marbles, and a musty old man with blue flames. If y’all produce the best heroes, y’all wouldn’t have lost Bakugō in the first place. AND WHY DO YOU LET MIDNIGHT WALK AROUND WITH SEX TOYS????! And you put all of your students in one place for all the LoV to have access to them. Yes there’s security, BUT SERIOUSLY? WILL YOU EVER LEARN?????

Next, is Present Mike, I love you man but HOW DID YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE TELLING EVERYBODY AND THEY MAMA THE NAMES AND QUIRKS OF THE STUDENTS???!!!! Like Nezu may have enabled it but you could have chosen to not do it.

Aizawa, OH SIR DO I HAVE WORDS FOR YOU. I’m sure you might already know this, but you should know I know. You’re one of the worst teachers, coming to a close second to last place on my list of horrible UA staff. First of all, you hardly taught your students proper combat training. That’s one of the most basic skills every hero needs. You’re slacking dawg (sorry for the disrespect Hound dog). Secondly, HOW DO YOU CONSISTENTLY LOSE YOUR STUDENTS? HOW DO THEY ALWAYS END UP OUT OF YOUR SIGHT? Like you’re really good at hero’s stuff but you’re slacking as a teacher. And why? Why haven’t you punished Mineta yet? It’s literally as clear as a sunny day that he’s a pervert. He is consistently making inappropriate comments and sexually harassed/assaulted several of your other students, and this is outside the LoV attacks, while you were on duty. Oh and let’s not forget about you emotionally manipulating your students!!! YOUR STUDENTS!!!!!! Needless to say I have a hate love relationship because I know he cares for his students and is not prone to favoring, unlike some *cough cough* all might.

MIDNIGHT, I respect your drip and your feminism. I just hate how you were written. YOU LITERALLY WALK AROUND WITH SEX TOYS!!! What do you even do? Like what’s your job at UA? I see you so often but like, what is your purpose? I love you though, and I wish you’d step on me.

ALL MIGHT, OMG I HATE YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS I HATE ENDEAVOR!! FAVORITISM FAVORITISM FAVORITISM!!!! OMG IT IS SO PREVELANT IN YOUR “teaching.” You treat Deku so differently from the way you treat Bakugō. And I understand that they’re different so they have to be taught differently, by HOLY HELL! You borderline cheered for Deku when he fought with Bakugō. AND YOURE A SHITTY HERO FOR THE WAY YOU TALKED TO DEKU WHEN YOU FIRST MET HIM!! What if he didn’t grab onto you? What if he did what Bakugō said and jumped? You’d be responsible for that in a sense, because you made him feel worse than he already did. I respect you for being upfront with him, and that’s not what the issue here is. Deku was clearly emotionally unstable!!! You didn’t even teach him how to use his quirk, HES BARELY EVEN 16, how does that make sense to you? Anyways moving on to my biggest pet peeve with you, YOU PUT MY BOY IN CHAINS AND A MUZZLE KNOWING DAMN WELL THAT HE WAS FUCKING TRAUMATIZE, WAY TO GOT MR.NO.1 HERO!!! WAY TO FUCKING GO!!! AND THEN EVERYONE JUST SAT THERE AND WATCHED!!!! YOU COULD HAVE HANDLED THE SITUATION BETTER!!!!! HE WAS CLEARLY NOT OKAY WITH IT!!!! DO BETTER! YOU HUMILIATED HIM IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF VIEWERS!!! THE LoV treated him better and they didn’t even know about his trauma!!!! I have so much to say about all might, and some of them are positive too but I’ll probably do a post on that next Wednesday, but for now we’ll be critiquing. HOW DID YOU EVEN BECOME A TEACHER? I feel like there should be more qualifications than being a good hero. BUT ANYWAYS, YAK my whole deal with this man.

Those are all the UA staff I really have beef with, but I also love their characters and how they were written. Now onto my beef with some of these parents.

Mistuki: You’re really the only parent I hate. I understand Bakugō tried to hit you, but where the fuck do you think he got it from? He didn’t become violent and aggressive out of the blue. He got that shit from you. And will you please get your son some hearing aides, my ears bleed every time I have to listen to him scream. And you should’ve been more reluctant to let Bakugō stay in the dorms. And your yelling is not helping Bakugō. Ask yourself why he hates being around you? I understand that you care about him, but punishing your child by hitting them is not okay, period, wether it’s just a slap or not.

I ko: I LOVE YOU TO PIECES! I can’t hate you. I have so much respect for you, but you shouldn’t have let Deku stay in the dorms. I know you wanted him to be able to experience his dreams, and that you felt so guilty about him growing up without a quirk, but Inko, it’s not worth losing your baby over. You were right to be upset with All Might, PERIOD.

ALL FOR ONE!! I HATE YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING!!!! YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF SHIGIRAKI IN A VULNERABLY STATE AND GROOMED HIM TO BE A VILLAIN!!! AND YOU KILLED HIS GRANDMA!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!! HE WAS A CHILD!!! HE WAS GRIEVING!!!! HE WAS UNSTABLE AND YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THAT!!! YOU DISGUST ME!!!!

And a big Fuck you to hero society for turning children into soldiers. A big fuck you for letting these children experience traum on that scale! A big fuck you for not saving Shigiraki! A big fuck you for being so full of shit!!!! A big fuck you for making people feel less than for being without a quirk! A big fuck your for being an overall piece of shit society!!

If you’ve made it this far, I apologize for yelling and cursing. Thank you for reading.

[wanderingsoul]

questions to ask yourself before the new year except its february and we’re in a pandemic

what is one small way you can become a better person? for others? for yourself?

i can become a better person by addressing the trauma that i carry, and addressing it, and learning to cope with it better. i can be a better friend, parter, daughter and sister by leaning into the parts of myself that are broken and taking the time to pursue healing in meaningful ways. i can become a better person by taking responsibility for my growth and healing and actively work towards a more healed, wholesome version of myself. 

what are you holding onto currently that is no longer serving you? why are you holding on? what’s one small step you can take towards releasing it?

i am holding on to the idea that i can fix those around me. being in a partnership/friendship with someone that openly expresses brokenness pulls on the need inside of me to fix things, and fix her. except thats not how people work, and thats not how healthy relationships work. i am holding on to this because for a long time, and sometimes i think to this day, i have been the glue for so many people. i am the common denominator, i am the steady, i am the savior. and being with alexa is a challenge because i have to be fully present, and wanting to support, with the very present knowledge that i can do absolutely nothing to make her feel better, and i might get my feelings hurt if i try. 

goal for the new year that excites me? goal that scares me?

the goal that excites me the most this year is buying a house. it feels like another piece in the puzzle of the ever-elusive “perfect life”. having a house, two cats and a garden is a dream that i am so desperately hoping becomes a reality this year. 

a goal that scares me is getting a therapist. i put it on my new years goals and here we are, almost march and i am no closer to reaching that goal. there are lots of things about therapy that are scary, being vulnerable mostly. and also the fear that i am going to open a can of worms that i can’t put back. and at the same time, i am afraid i am going to do the same thing i did last time - convince my therapist i was completely healed and didn’t need her help anymore to make her feel like she did a good job. probably one of the most toxic people pleasing i have ever done.... yikes. so this year, i want to be vulnerable and open with a therapist- and truly learn from them. 

what do you want to be a student of in the new year?

i want to be the student of self-love this year. i feel like i have so much to learn from her, and truly so much to gain. as i am on this journey of ~weight loss~ healthy living i want to learn how to truly love myself- in all the forms that i take. one of the childhood and teen traumas that i carry around is self-loathing for my physical body, and extreme uncomfortableness i feel inside of her. my body was different than i thought it should be, and i never felt thin or pretty enough. even though looking back i could not have been any thinner without blowing away. as i try and lose some weight to get back to a healthy range, its so tempting to chase that skinniness that seems closer than ever now. i don’t ever want to think about my body in a good or bad way again, the same with food. i want it all to be neutral and purposeful. i don’t want body positivity, i just want body neutrality. i want to be comfortable and unbothered. i want to take pictures and look for the joy and not be hyperfocused on the rolls. 

a quote that i am taking with me on this journey - 

“what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written, or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your things were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juice creative life of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? it’s going to break your heart. don’t let this happen.” - author unknown

who in your life deserves the biggest thank you for this year?

i am thankful for karl because of his understanding of me. i am thankful for mikaela for being a rock in my life and a cheerleader. i am thankful for silka because she offers more love than i know what to do with. i am thankful for alexa because she pushes me to be a better person. i am thankful for my mom, and her patience with me as i grow. i am thankful for my dad, and the hands-off role he has taken in my life. i am thankful for the friends that were patient and kind with me this year as i stayed away from most of them. 

what can you thank yourself for this year?

i am thankful for the resiliency and grit it took to get through this year. feeling extremely burnt-out, from the pandemic, from social work and from life. managed to get a new job which is furthering my career in the healthcare field, managing to save a little money to buy a house. making it through the panic attacks and crying in the car at the thought of the losses in my life. thankfulness for the home that i have in myself, and the peace and safety i offer myself to be who i am and to encourage growth. 

what have you outgrown this year?

i have outgrown pointless complaining. life is what you make it (to some degree) and i am choosing joy where i can and peace towards things i cannot affect. 

what is an important boundary to set in the new year?

it is important to me this year to set emotional boundaries this year and create language to protect myself when i find myself trying to fix my partner and getting into old negative habits. 

what’s a memory from this past year that makes you smile just thinking about it?

now this one’s a bit challenging because of the pandemic and social tension of this year, but i am choosing to focus on the personal good that happened in my life. 

january- three way kiss with mariah and alexa. iceskating in CVS field with dalton. getting naked in the woods at taylors falls. 

february - tall heights concert. drinks at cowboys with emily, alexa, sarah and meghan. raincloud and strawberry tattoos. 

march - up/down bar with jaden and silka-getting mexican at 3am. cuddles on the couch with hippo while everyone was gone over spring break. drinking wine and looking at art at bethel. christian living on our couch- hiking afton. our neighbor mark gets his dog ella. 

april- doordashing with knute- danny davito picture. staying with karl and mikaela for 3 weeks. getting drunk with jimu // garage door beer challenge. getting to ride on todd’s motorcycle. 

may- seeing juneau for the first time. knute’s “just friends” instagram post. biking along st. croix with john. fishing with jaden at rapidan dam. lilac bushes blooming at the ranch. alexa’s graduation surprise. rollerblading... canoeing lake iduhapi with callie, sam, alexa and knute and smearing ourselves in charcoal. eating chinese and drinking wine for alexa’s birthday. 

june- watching the dad’s try and fit our couch into the house. GFS- nightwatches, curfews. birthday bagels on the balcony. celebration at camp iduhapi. biking in northfield with jen. adopting juneau! bringing her everywhere with me. fathers day with john eating tacos. breonna taylor march. getting drenched walking around bdemakaska. 

july- bee’s knees tattoo. cabin trip to barnum lake with alexa and jen. celebrating anthony’s birthday with alexa and erin (moving the gravestone). duluth trip with sam, knute and lea - jumping into lake superior. trip to padre island with john-getting way too burnt to function. chic fil a drivethrough with juneau. 

august- camping trip with mikaela -attempt to get into canada and immediatly denied. murder mystery at emily’s house. rain on the patio for emily’s birthday. golden retriever puppies. dinner date with emma downtown minneapolis. annual brule trip- flipped the canoe. 

september - alexa and i take a fake trip to ny. celebrating john’s birthday. visiting jeff’s farm. celebrating jen’s birthday in northfield. shooting pumpkins with jen. another trip up to barnum lake with karl, mikaela and seth. minnehaha trip with emma. jack’s apple farm trip. 

october- camp trip, reffing football. making apple crisp. murder mystery night for sarah’s birthday. thrifting outdoor outlet with emma and lea. hanging with ozzy the cat. photoshoot with alexa and hippo. halloween party at caitlin’s house- being velma and daphne with alexa. 

november - start working at bluestone. dinner at pub in minneapolis with jen where we die laughing. winning monopoly with callie and tyler. hiawatha hike with alexa. thanksgiving at silka’s. 

december - giving the cats a bath. accidentally breaking into a cemetery with alexa. muffin’s christmas photoshoot. christmas at jens. sea world with molly, kody and kids, seth, john, k&m -forcing ourselves to watch blackfish the next day. tattoos! hammocking by the river. almost running into the elementary school on jimu’s dirtbike. 

[mapleborealis]

D&D ASK, UM ALL OF THEM??? All the 5s??? Tell me about Simon!!

5. do they follow a higher power? what are their thoughts on divinity?

well he’s a cleric, so yes. but apparently, his approach to things is...very jewish? like, sure, dian cecht is his patron so thats why hes allowed to cast spells but like. it was under duress (an invading party to simons home) and he didn't take it back when he went awol! you gave it to him! he can do what he wants with it now! while also being terrified that one day someone he cares about will need to be healed and dian cecht will finally say “i’ve had enough of this kid” and pull the plug on his magic. 

its..... hard to explain, but its why he doesnt pray a lot. he wants to do good in this material world in his life but also fears caring too much bc of Past Trauma and doesnt find dian cecht to be the be-all/end-all of like... judgment? simon’s not good at orthodoxy and dian cecht being classified as a cult since theres so few followers i feel also impacts his approach to things. there are no grand temples he has to live up to, or priests to tell him to clean up his act. 

15. do they trust their party? why or why not? 

YES trauma bonding guys!! he really tried not to but living in a house with them and !! kept getting dragged into their problems they wanted to help that he knew he should help too but like Emotions Are Bad!!! CHUCKLE BROTHERS SIMON AND MISCHA AND MISCHAS PARENTS ADOPTING HIM AND YEAH HES READY TO RIDE OR DIE FOR THESE PEOPLE

altho sometimes he’s sus of jynarra’s ideas because way too many of them have resulted in her almost dying and Shes Not Allowed To Die, but when they’re good they’re really good

25. what stories do they like to tell? what stories do they like to hear?

he’s not much of a storyteller tbh - too vulnerable. usually what you get out of him are things like ‘oh yeah when i was a kid (dumb childhood story here)’ or ‘yeah i knew a person who (some wild story with frat-boy vibes probably)’. just short things you might swap at a bar. he likes listening to those too, although not the overly exaggerated ones - people who tell those just want free drinks for how Cool and Awesome they are - but real stories of how you jerry-rigged a broken plow for planting season or on your wedding night your best man got so drunk he did a backflip off a second-story roof and still managed to land unharmed

35. which party member do they worry for?

he’s definitely closest to mischa (she understands the nuances of just having a quiet pint together) so when she gets hurt it’s like he has another little sister and ppl who hurt her are Not Allowed To Do That.

altho jynarra’s habit of eating strange plants with extreme repercussions has also nearly given him several heart attacks. his views on amaris have become much more positive, but she’s always seemed to be able to punch her way out of any issues that arise so she’s fine. 

45. how do they hug people?

it depends on closeness - acquaintances might get a one-armed dude-bro side hug if they press, but high-level friends and family always get a solid squeeze whether it's a quick hug or a long bear hug. maybe he’s just a good hugger, maybe he’s reminding himself that you’re really there. 

55. whose hand do they reach out for?

well as of the spooky ghost battle - mischa. must protecc her. petting the rats is also a good source of reassurance. 

in his dreams (nightmares?) though, it’s dave. 

65. what is holding them back?

(points at last sentence above) Take A Wild Fucking Guess. what tiefling haunts his dreams and his bottle? that he endangered his friends and gave up a piece of his lung for? 

regret - guilt - shame: he’s... working through it. and he’s made good strides with his party’s help! but i don't think getting his lighter back was good for his recovery, at least in the short term. 

[amethyst-noir]

i enjoyed the inclusion of tony sort of... whoring himself in that last fic. would it be possible to write an au more centered around that subject? maybe stephen had to sell himself to get through medical school and sometimes it wasn't consensual? if thats too much i understand! just figured it might help some people who deal with that

[Sunday is now officially my post-it-if-you-have-something-day. People send me prompts, so they obviously want to read the result. Thanks for that; I feel honored.]

Uh, that’s a hard one but it caught my imagination. I won’t write non-con;the aftermath of it is bad enough. (I like sex scenes to be sweet and romanticand/or kinky as hell but always consensual and I’m bad at writing them.) So,this happened. The Stephen/Tony here is “just” friendship (aka themost important foundation for any relationship). There is the potential for itto maybe become more in the far-off future but right now? No. There are other,more important, things to do first.

And if the prompt itself and my note up there don’t make it clear enough: TWfor rape/non-con. It’s not described at all and not spoken about in detailbut it’s there because… well, look above.

Find a Way(to break the fall)

Stephen didn’tthink about it anymore. It had been buried deep beneath all the other shit he’dhad to live through in the last couple of years and it didn’t impact his day today life in any way whatsoever. His nightmares were of dying in a myriad ofways, one more painful than the other, not reliving the ancient past.

It wasn’t as if hewas looking for someone or that someone to be another man; he was too busyliving, learning and protecting.

So it was anunpleasant surprise for both of them when one day Tony grabbed him by the hipsto move him out of the way and Stephen flinched. Hard. He froze on thespot a second after and Tony put up his arms and backed away as if afraid of anattack. Only then he’d noticed that he’d put up his hands in a classicdefensive position, his magic tingling in his fingers to fight off the threat.

“Stephen?”Tony asked, more confused than afraid but a hint of fear lurked in his eyes andvoice. He still had trouble with magic, especially the offensive kind. And tohave a friend threatening him…

Shit. Stephen knew almost immediately why he’d reacted like that, of course. Hestill felt Tony’s hands on his hips, even though it had only lasted for a momentand his grip had been gentle. But suddenly he could feel bruises on his skin,beneath the layers of clothes he wore, and it was as if it had happenedyesterday. All his carefully constructed barriers - broken down in an instantby an innocent touch.

“Sorry, I’msorry. I’ve just…” He didn’t even try to explain further, just turnedaround and vanished as soon as the portal had formed.

*

The same night hisnightmares gained a new flavor - old and new elements mixing together to form anew kind of torment that was worse than ever before. Worse than the dreamsabout the accident; far more devastating than the dreams about dying in thedark dimension or the ones about his fight against Thanos. There he had beenable to do something, to fight, be active, resist, despite his handsbeing almost useless. He hadn’t been a victim by choice without any power.Helpless and desperate. The only thing that came close was the sensation oflosing himself and fading away into nothing.

Now, all thecombined trauma gave him a whole new appreciation of the term “nightterror” that went so far that he started to research ways for forgoingsleep altogether. Unfortunately, escaping into his astral form while his bodyrested wasn’t a long-term solution. Okay for a couple of days - or even weeksif necessary - but it put too much stress on his body and the toll would onlyget higher and higher the longer he used this escape.

Plus, there wasTony. The man who had backed off considerably since Stephen’s flight and whosepresence was sorely missed. Tony, who could be an emotional idiot but was morethan perceptive enough to see that something was off and by now was probablyworried sick that he had done something wrong.

Their friendshiphad started off strong and had only gotten stronger in the months since Thanos’defeat. Playful banter had become more, the flirting too and… oh. There it was,the reason for his reaction to Tony’s innocent touch.

Stephen felt sostupid he could have hit himself. Instead, he forced himself to look away from hisbook and at his resting body. In sleep it looked innocent, only the stillshaking hands betraying that something was not quite right with it. It hadbrought him some much pain and misery over the years but it still didn’tdeserve the treatment he put it through now. He deserved better. He puthis book aside with very slow and precise movements, took a deep breath and triedto force away the images from his youth that wanted to destroy his hard-wonpeace. He pushed away the memories of strangers with cruel hands and too muchstrength and tried to imagine what he wanted instead.

Himself, curled upin bed, Tony behind him, holding him loosely, both of them relaxed in theirsleep. No nightmares, just peace. For both of them.

I want this.

With a sickfeeling in his stomach he went back into his body, knowing that this littlefantasy would probably never play out. Others would.

The nightmare of athousand needles piercing his flesh everywhere, while Ebony Maw had his waywith him woke him a short while later.

He awoke in tears,his hands on fire, and with the knowledge that he owed it to himself to dosomething, anything to make it stop.

*

He tried themystic arts and the other Masters, of course. Made his farewells to a disappointedand wondering Tony and vanished to Kamar-Taj. Tried to lose himself in researchand training but also visited the healers. Meditated, tried to find peace withhis choices back then. Told himself over and over again that it wasn’t hisfault, that it was time to move on. It did help, a little, but not enough.

You need therapy. The voice of Doctor Strange, MD, became louder with every passing day.Stephen knew it was the truth, but still he resisted. He was stronger thanthat. He’d gotten over it on his own before, he could do it again. Andyou’ve it done so well the first time, his inner doctor mocked him. Stephenbegan to hate the logical, rational part of himself but finally concededdefeat.

*

“Stephen!You’re back!” Tony came nearer, his hands spread out wide. “Greetingsfrom this earthly realm, oh Master of the Mystic Arts! Welcome back on thisplane of existence!”

Stephen just hadto smile at the sheer joy in Tony’s voice and roll his eyes at the words, butthe smile dropped when Tony came to a standstill before they could embrace. Hisarms were still open. He’s waiting for me to make the next step, Stephenrealized and suddenly wanted to cry. Instead, he forced the smile back onto hisface and stepped into the embrace of his friend. Tony obviously suspected whathad set him off weeks ago because while he held Stephen in a tight embrace hewas very careful to keep his hands high up on Stephen’s back.

After a moment ofinternal fight Stephen just gave up and let himself collapse into the hold,trusting Tony to catch him.

Tony, of course,did, without a word. Except a soft: “I’ve missed you.”

*

“How did youknow?”, he asked about an hour later. He held a hot cup of tea in hishands to keep them as steady as possible and force his mind to be in thepresent.

Tony gave him alook as if he was earth’s biggest idiot. “I touch you on the hips and yourfirst instinct is to raise a defensive shield? I might not get people, as I’mreminded over and over again, but know that kind of reaction.” He lookedaway and played with his own cup of coffee. “I’m sorry. I’ve never saidthat, didn’t I? You never did give any indication that my touch wouldn’t bewelcome or I would never have…”

Why? How? Didsomebody hurt you or was it someone you love? Every protectiveinstinct he possessed reared up and demanded to know the answers, to extractrevenge. “I didn’t,” he said instead. “It didn’t occur to mesince it’s not something I’ve thought about… in a long time. It happened when Iwas a student, barely in my twenties. Practically three lifetimes away. It tookme as much by surprise as you.”

“Stephen.”Tony put his coffee down and focused all of his attention on him. It was likebeing in the focus of the sun itself, wonderful and terrifying in equalmeasures. “You don’t have to explain anything.”

“But what ifI want to?” The words had slipped out before he thought about theconsequences. He had played with the idea after he’d concluded that therapymight work for him but he couldn’t imagine talking to a stranger. He neededsomeone he already trusted, who already knew about his crazy life and hisexperiences in the last few years. He had thought about approaching Wong but asclose as their friendship was he just couldn’t imagine talking about… thatwith him. Or any of the other masters. The thought of speaking about this toChristine, the only other friend he hadn’t managed to alienate, was just asunappealing. Surprisingly, or maybe not, he could imagine to do so with TonyStark. Most people might not believe it but the man could be a great listenerwho had brilliant insights. “Forget it,” he said a moment later.There was no way he was putting even more pressure on Tony, he had already morethan enough demons of his own.

“Forgetit?” Tony echoed. “Seriously? You listened to me rave and rant aboutpretty much everything under the sun and then you want to deny me the chance ofdoing the same for you?” He suddenly looked a lot more vulnerable, as ifremembering something unpleasant. As always when he was uncomfortable withsomething he was rubbing his left shoulder. “I’m here, I’m free for thenext, oh, four to five days, longer if necessary.” He leaned back on thecouch, folded his hands into his lap and stared at Stephen. “You talking,me talking, just staring at each other thinking about how pretty we are… it’syour choice.”

Not everything waslost when Tony was still low-key flirting with him and it served as a reminderthat Tony didn’t suddenly see him in a completely different light. Stephenclosed his eyes, relieved. He carefully put his tea aside and stared at hisshaking hands.

“Whatevergruesome scenario you might have conjured up it wasn’t like that,” hebegan and grimaced immediately. “It wasn’t some brutal assault orsomething. It was by my own choice.”

“It was yourchoice that you were raped? Bullshit!” Tony sat up and startedpacing the room. Stephen got dizzy by just watching him. Then the full extentof the words hit him and the shook his head.

“It wasn’trape”, he said very quietly. “Coercion at worst. It was my choice. Ineeded the money and it was the quickest and easiest way.” He swallowed,feeling sick again. He forced himself to summon his tea just to have somethingin his hands again. He didn’t drink. “My choice,” he repeated.

Tony just lookedat him. If that’s what you need to tell yourself to get through this so beit, he seemed to think. “Easy is something else. If it really had beenyour choice you wouldn’t have flinched when I touched you.” Suddenly Tonywas kneeling before him and looking up. “But this is me, being pushyagain. Sorry. Backing down now.” He leaned back a little, presentinghimself to Stephen as if to say I’m not a threat, just look at me, beinghere. Surprisingly it worked. He was able to take a deep breath again andcould feel the oncoming panic attack recede a little bit. “Thank you fortelling me. I’ll be more careful in the future when I touch you.”

When, not if. Noteverything was irrevocably changed, Tony wasn’t disgusted and there was stillhope. One day he would ask Tony when and where he’d gone to therapy. He was fartoo good in getting people to get to calm down and knew when to back off -there was no way in hell the world-famous weapons dealer from eleven years agobecame the man he was today without some serious help. Professional, highlypaid, help from whose work Stephen now profited by proxy. He didn’t feel badabout it. He probably couldn’t even afford the help he really needed and thisreasons for not seeking it out still stood.

Tony was stillwaiting for an answer. Stephen stared at his hands and refused to look up.“I would like that,” he finally admitted, pushing against the wave offear that tried to claw its way up to the surface. He was safe now and morethan capable of defending himself should somebody try to take advantage of himever again. On the edge of his vision he could see Tony come nearer.

“Likethis?” he asked as he took the cup away from him. Instead he put hissteady hands over Stephen’s shaking ones as if he could still their tremblingby touch alone. The only feeling it caused was one of safety and warmth. “I’mhere, Stephen. Anytime you need to talk, just call me.”

Stephen smiled,touched by the gesture. “Thank you.”

It was a start. A rathergood one, considering everything. The rest would come in time.

=/\=

[galoismyhimbo]

1-97 for Emily! Do them all.

akdjsasdas I wont back down from this, anon.

SO BUCKLE UP KIDDOS THIS GONNA BE A LONG ASS REPLY

1. What is their favourite food?

Probably, pancakes. Just plain ol’ pancakes with syrup, its simple and thats why she loves it.

2. Do they have a fear of an animal? If so, what animal?

Emily has a HUGE phobia of spiders. She see’s one across the room, she’s already setting the place on fire to kill it.

3. What do they wear to bed?

In the summer, just some shorts and a baggy shirt. In the winter, a star wars onsie.

4. Do they like cuddling?

yES! She is a slut for cuddling

5. Do they have a secret handshake with anyone?

Nope. At least not yet.

6. What do they look like?

Long, dark brown hair. Light brown eyes, pale skin, scarred face and body. Buff af, shoulders are bit wider than her hips. Wish i had a full body reference lmao.

7. Do they like chocolate?

Yep!

8. What are their good and bad traits?

Good: Loyal, lowkey softy, brave, perseverance, and has a strong will to protect the innocent.

Bad: impulsive, big ego, holds in her anger till she explodes, and reckless

9. Do they have any artistic talent?

Yeah, shes drawn in her free time and has gotten pretty good.

10. What is their favourite room to be in, in the house they live in?

Her bedroom. Just laying in bed, watching tv or something. She likes the quiet and seclusion. 

11. Do they believe in luck?

Ye

12. Can they do magic?

Nope

13. Do they believe in dragons?

No, but there’s always the child in her that does.

14. What is a pet peeve of theirs?

When people chew loudly or talk with their mouth full.

15. What was the last thing they cried about?

umm… depends on where she is in her life. If I stick to the events of FC5, then after she woke up in the bunker with Joseph.

16. What is their sexuality?

Birom Ace 

17. Do they have a best friend? If so, who, and what makes them their best friend?

Sharky is her best friend. She loved his dumbassery, cause shes a dumbass too at heart. So they would just run around causing havoc for the cult.

Her other best friend is @deputydonewithyall​‘s Hope. They are really gay for each other and are REALLY close. Emily really is dating her best friend. :^)

18. Have they ever been in a romantic relationship?

Yep, with Hope Pillar. And they still are. Cause you know what brings people together? Shared trauma.

19. What does their relationship with their family look like? Are they close? Distant? Ect.

She used to be close to her family and relatives. But over time she drifted away, especially after her father died. When he did, she left to Montana after her brother was able to live on his own. She’s only seen them on some holidays.

20. Do they have a pet?

Fangs for hire basically.

21. Do they have a familiar?

No. But if she picked one it would be a leopard lmao

22. Are they a supernatural being?

Nope.

23. How do they usually wear their hair?

Usually down, but she also wears it in a ponytail. She looks great in one.

24. Can they play an instrument? If so, what instrument and what can they play?

Nope.

25. What type a high schooler are/were they?

Average. She did well in school, but she wasn’t in any clubs. She just wanted out.

26. Have they ever been in a physical fight before? If so, with who? Who won?

Yep. With many during the fight with the cult lmao.

27. What is their favourite holiday?

Christmas, she LOVES it

28. If they could have one wish, what would they wish for?

For everything to be normal again, no more cult, no more pain. Just her old life back. :^)

29. Do they wants kids? If they already have kids, do they want more?

She’s not opposed to having kids. And she gets one eventually. But she doesn’t want it :^) my bunker story explains that LMAO

30. Do they have a job?

Deputy

31. Do they know how to drive?

Ye, she’s a great driver

32. Do they get stressed out easily?

Nope, not really

33. Did they ever dye their hair before? If so, to what colour? Did they like it?

Nope.

34.Have they ever broken the law?

Before the cult? No. Well she’s gone over the speed limit but thats it lmao

35. Do they own a plant?

Who got time for that

36. Have they ever rode a horse before?

No but she wants to so badly.

37. What is their favorite gif?

38. Do they get along with others easily?

Not really, but she tries her hardest

39. Do they have any tattoos?

Nah, but she’s not opposed to it

40. If I wanted to draw them, what would be distinct physical features that I would have to know to draw them correctly?

She has a pretty strong jawline, her gaze is sharp. She just has strong facial features in general i think; plus the scar on her left eyebrow and the one going across the right side of her face makes her badass.

41. What is their favourite breed of dog?

Bernese Mountain dog

42. Do they live with anyone? If so, who?

Not currently, but in the future she lives with Hope

43. Where is their dream vacation?

Going to anywhere in Europe in the winter honestly

44. Do they know more than one language?

Nope.

45. Are they a quick learner?

Yeah, she can adapt quickly.

46. Have they ever won a contest before? If so, what for? What did they win?

Emily won a drawing contest in like 3rd grade. She got a badge and everything, she was so proud of herself.

47. If the world were to end in 24 hours, where would they be and who would they be with?

They would go up onto a mountain with Hope, Sharky, and Boomer. And they’d just hang out till the last moment. Those three are the most important to her, and she would spend her last moments with them over anything else. 

48. What does their room look like?

Her floor is clean, but any desk in her room is covered in things. She lowkey a mess

49. If they could have an extinct animal for a pet, what would they have?

A Tasmanian Tiger

50. If they got called out by someone, what would they do?

Throw hands. Only if it was really bad lmao

51. Have they ever shot a gun before?

Ye, many times before

52. Have they ever been axe throwing?

No. But take her on a date to one and she’ll be all yours 

53. What is something that they want but can’t have?

Her sanity back :^) shit goes down in my story

54. Do they know how to fish?

Yeah, she’s actually pretty good. And she finds it relaxing

55. What is something they always wanted to do but too scared?

Go on roller coasters. She fears them but man, they look like fun to her and she feels like she’s missing out.

56. Do they own their own baby pictures?

Actually yeah, she keeps photos back at her apartment. She also has a photo of her, her siblings, and her dad years before he died in her pocket.

57. What makes them standout among others?

In all honesty, her brute force. She is a buff gal, and could handle herself in a fight, even playing dirty. If given the chance, she could fight Jacob. It would be a tough one but she’d have a chance.

58. Do they like to show off?

YEP. She has an ego.

59. What is their favourite song?

If I go, I’m going - Gregory Alan Isakov

60. What would be their dream vehicle?

A motorcycle

61. What is their favourite book?

She doesn’t have one.

62. Who, in their opinion, makes the best food?

Pratt. Only because one year he made something for a Christmas party for their department and it was hella good. Though someone else probably could’ve made it.

63. Are they approachable?

Not really? She a tall, very buff looking woman with a scarred resting bitch face. But if you do approach her she’ll open up.

64. Did they ever change their appearance?

Nah.

65. What makes them smile?

Memes. lmao jk, just little moments of peace with friends and loved ones.

66. Do they like glowsticks?

Hells yeah

67. What is something that is simple, but always makes them smile?

Someone giving her a little gift and saying it reminded them of her. OR someone leaving little love notes around for her.

68. Are they a day or night person?

Night.

69. Are they allergic to anything?

Nope.

70. What do you, the creator of this OC, like most about them?

Her bravery. Which is also connected to her recklessness; she will risk her life to save an innocent or someone she cares about.   

71. Who is their ride or die?

Sharky and Hope. These three are an iconic trio

72. Do they currently have a significant other? If not, are they going to get one later one?

YEP. Hope.

73. What attracts them to another person?

Honesty, loyalty, and gentleness

74. Who is one person that can always make them laugh?

Sharky or Hope. 

75. Have they ever partied too hard and their friends had to take them home?

Emily doesn’t like alcohol so no, she hasn’t.

76. Who would be their cuddle buddy?

H O P E. And Boomer lmao

77. Who would cheer them up after a long day?

Sharky, Boomer, and Hope. And actually Joey before the cult stuff.

78. If they had a nightmare, who would they run to?

Hope. But that can change sometimes.

79. What object to the care for the most?

Her necklace.

80. Do they like other people’s children?

Depends. With baby Rye, she adores her. But other kids she may not be the biggest fan of.

81. How would they react if someone broke into their home?

”…You got to be kidding me.”

82. Does anyone make them have butterflies in their stomach?

HOPE MAKES EMILY A HUGE SOFTY, YALL DONT UNDERSTAND. Sorry i got excited

83. What is something that they are good at?

Archery.

84. What is their neutral expression?

Resting Bitch Face.

85. Do they like to cook?

No, she wishes things just appeared in front of her to eat

86. What is something they can’t leave home without?

The necklace her father got her years ago

87. Who is someone that they rely on?

👀👀 Hope.

88. Do they liked to be tickled?

No, and she’ll punch you if you try

89. Have they ever been a sword fight before?

No. But she’d be down to at any moment

90. What is a joke that they would find funny?

Basically memes and stuff lmao

91. Do they have a place that can go and turn off their brain?

In Hope county, Emily liked to go to the church in Fall’s End to just relax. She was close to Jerome as well so they would just talk when things were calm.

92. What was their childhood like?

It was actually pretty normal for the most part. After her mother died on duty, her father raised her and her two siblings for a long time before he eventually died. She knew her relatives and stuff, had big family dinners, get togethers. She remembers her mom getting up really early every Christmas to make a large breakfast for the family and relatives. She loved waking to the smell of bacon.

93. What are they like as an adult?

She has her life together, but she’s also a wreck. Like, eating ramen for 4 days straight cause she doesn’t want to go grocery shopping.

94. Do they take criticism well?

Yeah, she knows its to improve on something. But she’s annoyed on the inside.

95. Have they ever jumped out of a plane?

Only ones that have been crashing LOL

96. Who do they like to make jokes with?

Anyone of her friends. She loved pulling pranks on the other deputies before the cult issue.

97. Have you ever drawn them before? If you are comfortable with it, would you post a picture?

Hell yeah. Though none are actually finished so here’s a WIP

[dodosinsane]

Cheer up Florence Nightingale

Pt 1

Dared. As in the past. Daring. I was never afraid.

Night. I run , all sweaty. Footsteps. Somebody reeking of alcohol . A corner. Black corner.

I always wake up to the same dream. Panting. Sweating. But always stuck in the same place. Not daring. Not moving. Stiff.

I always wake up to the same dream, or how to put it .. nightmare. Or maybe not. A bad reality.

"Cheer up Florence Nightingale"

And so i get up. I am Flor , a twenty year old girl , Flor. I have a disorder. A few.

First: i am very repetitive. I like to call this a mental disorder so i can justify myself for always doing the same things.

Second : i am forgetful. I called this a trauma of something i dont really remember, you know , forgetful.

I have no memory of some past events. I dont remember half of my senior year of highschool.

Third: I dream of situations that never happened. In a repetitive way.

Fourth: i have no talents. Zero.

So i say , cheer up Florence Nightingale. Who is she and why i call myself that way? She was a war nurse in 17-th century. She was also called The lady with the lamp. When i was little and when my father used to came from the war , he would always try to do things for our home late at nights , like fix a chair , the grass outside , the roof. So sometimes at night i would flash a light and try to help him , so i was the lady with the lamp. He would tuck me to bed and tell me that Florence used to stay up all night long and try to heal the wounded solders , that she was daring and capable of everything. Just like me.

"How do you know"-i used to ask "How do you know she was daring , you never met her ? "

He would just laugh it off , but then again he would be so trusting and innocent back then, he also thought i was capable of anything. He never met me now , 20 years old , a loser.

I didnt get to become a nurse. I didnt get to become anything. I filled out tons of applications, jobs , trainings , everything.

Name: Flor Davison

Gender: Female

College : None

Other languages: None

Computer skills : average

Special talents: none

Dreams: a lot , but not that you would be interested in.

I get up to do the same things i did yesterday. Eat , watch tv , go search for jobs, eat, have basic interactions with my mother, text one single friend i got that studies abroad, sleep.

I did the same today.

I got up and went to buy a newspaper. I saw something on the yellow pages , an assistant at a first aid center. They didnt have an email address just a phone number , so i called them.

They didnt ask for much except height , weight , gender and age.

-1.67, 54, female, 20.

-Your parameters fill the criteria , so you can come tomorrow for the final screening.

That was a first. So i patiently waited for tomorrow.

I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair, put on clothes and went.

-hello im Flor , we spoke on the phone?

-Yes, im Grace yes, so you were the first to call and we were sort of in a hurry so we didnt have time for an official screening an interviews. You were lucky ,i guess..

She had short hair and big glasses , round and thick , like the ones you would have made fun of if you were in highschool. Small and a little chubby . Her face showed a few wrinkles ,she was 35 maybe? She looked unfocused and easily frightened , a nerd.

-So umm this is the room , the supplies are all here , if something is broken you have to report it . You dont have troubles with watching blood huh? I hope not ,the last girl was troublesome honestly, too weak at heart.

-Unm, Its an assistant right ? I will keep notes and timetables?

She looked confused.

-No its more like a -she paused and went to the desk to take a newspaper. -That idiot Jersey. I clearly told him not to do that anymore. There we go wasting time again.

She looked at me like she was doomed .

-Sweetie look, you are supposed to help the teacher on giving lectures , you see he gets easily distracted and has tons of other things to do . So there are different classes . First aid, blood sampling , medicines , how to treat a wound. You know. But since i said the professor is easily distracted , he cant talk while performing , he can only do one thing at a time , and thats what your job is . He talks you act , he acts you talk. But no pressure , if you want to leave its okay we are used to it , no biggies.

-Its not that, its more that i dont know what to do or say, im have 0 information.

-Oh yeah sure, stupid of me. Here. -she disappeared and came back after a few minutes with a handbook and two Cd-s

-So you can read these and watch the videos here. Its a recorded class. Its what you are going to do today. So the salary has 4 zeros just in case you were wondering.

Four zeros was a big thing for me , a first thing actually. Would i die to try it out. Whatever. Of course i would say yes.

I took everything in my hands. She smiled and said that my first class was at 2 pm. It gave me 4 hours to prepare. It would be a blood collecting and processing . How hard can it be? I went home and played the videos. There was a young man , more than a professor explaining. He looked cheerful but concentrated. Black hair. I couldnt see his face because he was performing but i saw the girl . She had red hair and blue eyes. Such a pretty combination. I memorized a few words. Three ways of collecting blood , needle , skin , pinch. Great , i got this.

When i arrived the professor was already there. He didnt even look at me but said to bring him the tools.

I went to the supply shelf to get them but they weren't there.

-whats taking you so long ? -he asked with a not so patient kind of voice.

-They arent here.

-what?

-They arent here , they should be in the supply room.

I ran there and searched for the tools but they weren't there. Grace wasnt in her office . Instead i find a note that said "back at four". Great .

I went to class to let the professor know.

-Are you dense? -he shouted

-Excuse me?

-The first thing they tell you when you come here is to report if something is missing and you cant even do that.

-Um im sorry but im new here and umm...

-and ? I should cut you some slack ?

The damned ignorant was getting on my nerves.

-no its my first day and probably the things went missing when the last girl was here , how was i supposed to know. As i said im new.

-You have been saying that you are new for the past week.

He still didnt turn his head to look at me.

-well if you would look at me you would know that its my first day .

He turned his head and his brown eyes stared at me. Confused and dreamy.

-Who are you?

-I am Flor , the new girl.

-Well Flor todays class is canceled .

-Umm what should i do now?

-call the students , what else?

He turned his head and started writing his notebook. I didnt have his attention anymore so i went to Graces office and started to make calls. She came at exactly four pm and by the look of it she already knew the class was off. She handed me a list of a few things i should do and sat in her chair ignoring me.

Clean. Rooms , supplies , print sheets , prepare for the next class which was tomorrow at 11. The building wasnt small, but it looked dead. Not a lot of people. It was two floors and white painted. It looked like a school but it smelled like a hospital. After seven i started seeing people and hearing noises amd Grace would lead them to a door that i didnt have access to. Not that i cared.

I didnt see the professor anymore. Come to think of it , he looked so young , maybe 26 but he had a tired and pale skin and not so strong arms.

Grace told me my shift ended at 10 but if i had finished i could leave a little early. So i left at 9 and went home.

I told the news to mom. I told her i was an assistant. She didnt ask anything else but she seemed pleased.

I texted Brianne. I feel asleep

Cheer up Florence Nightingale.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

exhaustion at its finest luvs

so um....ive basically been living day to day like.....completely disconnected from everything, both mentally and physically. like haha, mirrors are bad, and so are moments of connecting my mental state to my physical state. because i remember that i live in this body, and i make it do things. and ive literally spent my entire summer without a routine (which kills me) but i’ve been so tired from not having a routine to go by that i physically CANT MAKE ONE, like i dont have the energy. i really......im very tired.

 but i have a new hyperfixation on a band so that’s about the only thing going for me (until it runs out).

also i cant figure out if my reactions are RSD or me just overreacting and being sensitive......bc im not diagnosed with ADHD.....yes that’s another dilemma im having to deal with. am i just a weird neurotypical, or is there something actually going on (i dont know brain, why dont you give me some fucking answers)......anyways um.......im suffering besties.

also accidentally offending people is one of the things that fucking sends me into another plane of anxiety and thats been haunting me. and i know i’m probably reading too much into it (like i always do *sad hair flip*) but it could also be directed STRAIGHT at me. i’ve cried over that shit at a point, like i think it’s due to my awful past with toxic friendships (with me being emotionally unstable and lashing out, and the other person microaggressing me every now and then)

my emotions are also a struggling point. like, i recognize them most times, and deal with them, but i NEVER open up about them until it’s too late and im sobbing. i go from oversharing and having too many emotions to hiding everything and bottling things up. and i feel like the pandemic has made me bottle things up more. i feel like everyone’s already having a hard time, and they don’t need my whining about trivial things on top of that. venting helps, but i also feel bad trauma-dumping, and all that shit. like it’s not acceptable to just pour your emotions out there and be like “but im fine” because A........i feel like a burden. and B. nobody needs to hear my bullshit while they have other real world problems. like thats not normal?? and now im understanding and looking back on the amount of times that i just plainly overshared, or said too much and it’s like........damn. (also oversharing is a symptom of trauma, but for me it’s mostly anxiety, and not realizing when to shut the fuck up_

i realized today that im still at the point of grieving over a friendship (its been a year) that i cant say the person’s name, or bring them up without feeling like at least mildly choked up. i feel like that’s a bit rough, huh. i know shit hurts, but i didnt expect my feelings to be that attached.

another thing is that (idk if it’s PTSD or not, maybe it is, maybe it isnt) i dont do well with bad weather. and it’s been sunny, sure, but bugs and shit have been outside, and it’s been raining like.....a good amount of the week. and last night i had a dream about ANOTHER tornado (except it wasnt lucid, so i suffered through the whole thing like it was happening again) and that’s kinda fucked me up. like, i realize that it’s not real, but there’s no other fear that i’ve experienced than that one. whenever there’s chances for severe weather, i cant sleep right, im anxious the whole day. like??? and it was so vivid. like i could hear everything that was going on. i literally cant hear semi trucks going by outside without thinking “haha tornado, lets hide in the tub”. that’s terrifying to deal with. anyways, im sure that thats not normal. but if it is, then i am not only A fool, but i am THE fool, please i need a hug.